#i don’t even know why i don’t want to. i’m just anxious. and hate myself a lot and being ace is only of the only things i like about myself

[imjustexistingtbh]

.

#sometimes i hate myself for throwing away my last piece of glass #i know it’s for the better long term #but it helps so much in the moment i just want. i need that right now #but i have absolutely nothing to do it with #i hate myself right now #i hate myself so much #i hate how i can’t be normal without taking medicine #i hate how anxious i always am #i hate my brain #i hate that i can’t understand social things #i hate that i’m weird and the outcast with maybe three real friends #i hate that i’m just the weird autistic nerd #i hate that i can’t go a week without hating myself #and even when i have bad days i crash soon after #i hate that i want to hurt myself. i hate that i don’t want to hurt myself. #i hate myself so much. #it’s been 81 days since my last relapse #and i feel so incredibly awful #WHY do i feel this way SO MUCH #i don’t WANT to feel this way #but maybe i do #it’s more comfortable. #but i don’t know if i like it #vent #tw self harm #just jupiter

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

#autism acceptance day #actually autistic

[samuraisharkie]

undoing all my hard voice training work tonight by being forced to sing as a woman at my parents’s choir practice 🙃 o forgot how much anxiety and dysphoria this gave me

#i was too tired to care for a whil but it has been replaced with anxiety #I’m not out to them like w anything they don’t even know I’m anti-Christian so they have no idea why I’m upset #and they call me ‘brave’ and ‘strong’ and dote all over me for not dissapointing then and making them happy even seeing how upset I get #I was trying to just dissociate my way through it bc if I miss too many they start investigating and interfering #but this is too much I’m already overwhelmed and irritated and anxious they haven’t gotten through one song #I hate every choir practice ever I’ve never been able to escape it once #I’ve never even spent one year outside of a Christian choir my entire life and none of it has been my choice #they make me go after pushing myself at work and hearing nothing but discordant loud noise all day #and then expect me to go to a different place with different discordant complicated loud noise and this time participate #I want my voice to go LOWER. singing normally makes it go back up. i want to rip my throat out. #I spent enough time in the bathroom that I escaped before a full meltdown thank fuck #it felt like I was slowly getting squished between two needle covered walls #’but you used to be able to do it’ I wasn’t an adult with less and less spoons more disability and still an egg then #I had more energy I had more spoons I was able to pretend and ignore better and wasn’t so constantly paranoid

[hxney-lemcn]

Melting — Connor x gn! reader

summery: Reader and Connor are two lovesick fools who bond over being touch starved.

tw: descriptions of anxiety

a/n: Should I make another part? Or like a series of one shots with these two? I'm tempted if anyone is interested.

wc: 1.8k

Master List

“You comin old man?” I teased Hank as I stood beside his desk, Connor sitting across from him. I was going on break and I thought we’d all head out for lunch together like we normally did. 

“Nah, not today,” Hank waved me off. “Got more work than I know what to do with.” I frowned, glancing at Connor and assuming that meant he wouldn’t be able to join either. 

Having resigned myself to eating alone, I tapped Hank’s desk in acknowledgement, “Alright, I’ll be on my way then.” I smiled at the two and Connor seemed a bit conflicted, eyes darting between Hank and I. Deciding to ignore the odd mannerism, I went to turn away.

“Connor, why don’t you go with them,” Hank offered. “I’ll hold down the fort, but don’t forget to get me something.”

“Are you-” Connor was going to ask, eyebrows furrowed, but was quickly cut off.

“Yes!” Hank exclaimed. “Go before I change my mind.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Connor thanked, a warm smile blessing his face. Whoever made him so handsome needed a raise. Well, Cyberlife is now controlled by androids but y’know what I mean. Connor’s warm gaze fell onto me and I swear my heart skipped a beat. I averted my eyes, his stare too intense for my poor heart. 

“C’mon,” I motioned him to follow me. He was out of his chair in less than a second, walking next to me and matching my pace. 

My nerves felt alight, not normally alone with the android. I tried to calm down my racing mind, scolding myself for not only thinking of my friend, but my coworker as such. I fiddled with the ring I wore, scolding myself for my inappropriate thoughts. But was it really so wrong to want to hold his hand? 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked, and I turned to face him, not realizing that he had just scanned me. “You are showing signs of anxiety.” His furrowed brow and concerned look never failed to make me melt. 

Having a topic to speak on, I felt myself calm slightly and nudged Connor lightly with my elbow, smiling lightly, “You know I’m an anxious person. But I’m good.”

His frown worsened, the hair that always fell out of place falling just a tad bit farther with the tilt of his head, “Is there anything I can do to help prevent it from happening?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know, I’m so used to it that I don’t even notice it much. That’s unless it gets really bad, but I’ve been getting better.” Connor pursed his lips, his concerned gaze swirled with frustration. “I mean being with people I know helps comfort me. And when it gets really bad, it helps if I can…kinda cling to them?” I finished in more of a questioning tone, hating the vulnerability it made me feel to admit that. I stared at the concrete as we continued to walk to the nearest fast food restaurant. 

“You can hold my hand if that would make you feel more comfortable,” Connor offered, and when I looked at him in shock, he had his hand extended out to me. My heart pounded faster. Immediately my mind started to romanticize the situation and I couldn’t stop it, even though I knew this had to be strictly platonic. There’s no way it wasn’t…

The kind smile he had turned to a frown, “Your anxiety is increasing…”

“Sorry,” I apologized for no reason really, I suppose for making him think I hate him? I suppose my anxiety really is increasing. “I’m just…I…I don’t mind, I haven’t really held hands with someone in a long time, or hugged, or…I’m rambling, sorry.”

His frown turned into an awkward smile, “You don’t have to apologize. I haven’t held anyone's hand before, so this is a new experience for me as well.” 

Squeezing my hands, I rubbed my right hand on my pants before reaching my hand out. Connor met my hand halfway and I hoped he ignored the sweat gathering on my palms once more. His hand was surprisingly warm, although I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, not to mention soft. Finally reaching the restaurant, Connor opened the door for me and I thanked him. 

He followed me as I went straight to the self-serve kiosk. It was busier than I was used to, and I didn’t even realize that I moved closer to the brown haired man that was also very handsome and very much holding my hand. We both ordered, and waited in line for our numbers to be called. I glanced over to Connor, only to find him already staring at me. 

“Are you scanning me again?” I joked lightly. 

“Even though we are in a crowded place, which seems to usually trigger your anxiety, your stress levels are surprisingly low,” Connor stated, confusion laced in his warm gaze.

“I’ve got you with me,” I replied without even thinking of the implications. Instead I just grinned at him, unaware of how he was becoming increasingly flustered. I glanced at the screen that showed off the order numbers, and noticed ours both were getting closer. 

“Excuse me,” Someone grunted, pushing past me. Which in turn caused me to press closer to Connor. 

Connor ran a diagnostic scan, wondering why he felt like his internal fans were going to explode. It came up all good, which led him to thinking about what Hank brought up earlier. 

“You haven’t noticed them touching you more lately?” Hank asked, raising an eyebrow.

Connor had noticed it, quite a bit actually. The small touches to his arm, the nudges, or even when they tried to rest their arm on his shoulder jokingly. He always looked at that last example fondly, especially when he was 6’ compared to their shorter height. 

“All their affection reads as platonic, does it not?” Connor asked, curious as ever. 

“You don’t see them hiding their laughter into my shoulder, do you?” Hank asked rhetorically. 

“No,” Connor replied anyway, led blinking yellow in thought. “So you’re saying they may have a romantic interest in me?”

Hank shrugged, clearly losing interest in the subject the more questions Connor asked obliviously, “I don’t know kid, why don’t you ask them yourself?”

Connor blinked back into reality as I called his name, his thirium pump seeming to beat faster as his name tumbled from my lips.

“Your number was called,” I said as I finally seemed to grab his attention, pushing him towards the counter. 

“R-right,” Connor stuttered lightly, embarrassed he was caught in such a daze. 

“Let’s get out of here,” I grumbled as we both got the food we ordered. 

“Of course,” Connor nodded, guiding me out of the crowded restaurant. Arm protectively wrapped around my shoulder. I didn’t mind being pressed into his side once more. My hand clung to his jacket as we continued to squeeze past people. Once we finally got outside, I let out a relieved breath, glad to be out of that packed room. 

“Would you like to eat outside?” Connor asked. It was a nice day, the warm sun beating down on the cool spring air. People bustled about, enjoying the nice turn of the weather.

“I don’t want Hank’s food to get cold,” I frowned, drawing away slightly from Connor’s side as his arm dropped to his side once more.

“I’m sure he would understand,” He replied.

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Is this the same Hank we’re talking about?”

Connor joined in on my laughter, “How about we drop it off first, to be safe.” I agreed, the walk back to the precinct much lighter than the earlier tension. Was it tension or just my anxiety? Who knows. 

I took in a deep breath as a small breeze blew past. I ate a fry, watching the flowers dance in the wind to a song only they could hear. The sounds of birds chirping, people talking, and Connor flipping a coin filled the air. 

“Is the food to your liking?” Connor asked, breaking the silence. 

I looked over to him, the coin firmly held between two fingers, and shrugged, “It’s alright. What you’d expect from fast food.” 

I loved watching Connor do his little coin tricks, it became a habit to soothe his nerves. It was interesting watching him gain his own habits, becoming his own person. I remember asking why he knew how to do coin tricks, only for him to explain it was to help him calibrate his software.

As I finished my lunch, I watched as the coin rolled over the back of his fingers. Flicking it to his other hand, only to roll it between his fingers. His movement was so smooth, fluid. I can only imagine the million ways I’d fumble and lose the quarter. 

“Do you want to try?” Connor asked, offering the coin to me. I broke out of my spaced out state and stared at him like an idiot. 

“If I tried I’d find a way to accidentally fling it into the ocean,” I joked with a bright smile. 

“The probability of you…oh, that was a joke,” Connor fumbled, and I noticed that his cheeks turned a light blue. Oh my god I didn’t know androids could blush! That’s actually really cool, and I wonder how that even works. 

I laughed lightly at his fumble, “It’s okay, Connor. Besides, I leave the coin tricks for the professionals.” I winked, and then immediately panicked. Why the hell did I wink? God I must’ve looked so lame, but…why was his blue blush more prominent? And why is it so pretty? 

Blue was a good color on him. I thought that when he wore his old outfit that cyberlife fitted him with, and I still think it now. I glanced at my watch, noticing our break was almost over. I let out a dramatic sigh and flopped onto his side, causing him to hold his arm out in confusion before placing it around me gently.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I don’t mean to  make you uncomfortable.” I was so comfortable with him that I didn’t even realize how this may be uncomfortable for him. It was so weird, because one minute I’d be overthinking our interactions, and then the next I wouldn’t be thinking at all. 

Before I could get up or continue to overthink, Connor spoke hurriedly, “It’s alright, you can lean on me if you’d like.” 

“We should probably get back to work,” I grumbled, leaning my head back on his shoulder. I tried to ignore the warmth that spread through my body at his warm touch. It was such a nice feeling, I was scared to grow used to it because I wasn’t sure if it’d always be available to me. 

“We have a few more minutes,” Connor murmured back, hearing his voice so close to my ear, slightly startling me. 

Calming a bit from the slight scare, I let out a soft hum, closing my eyes. Such a peaceful moment. If only it could last forever.

#connor dbh x reader #dbh connor x reader #dbh x reader #rk800 x reader #detroit become human x reader #detroit become human #dbh connor #connor dbh #x reader

[undreaming-fanfiction]

For A Handful of Bandaids

This is my entry for SpicySixWinterFanworksChallenge organized by the lovely @thefreakandthehair.

“Hey Steve, do you know where we’ve got some bandaids?”

In hindsight, Eddie should have known that a simple question like that would never prompt a simple response from his boyfriend. Steve was many things - brave, loyal, a great cook, wonderful in bed, but most of all - he tool Eddie’s well-being very seriously. He was a raging bull whose red flag was anything related to health, injury, sickness or danger, no matter how small.

Well. Not really raging. More like anxious, caring and always ready to whip out half of a pharmacy.

So of course, the answer wasn’t “they’re in the second drawer,” nope.

Instead, Steve stood up, grabbed Eddie by his shoulders and started checking him for injuries. “Eddie, are you hurt? Did someone in town attack you again? Shit, I thought things’ve calmed down, did you recognize them?”

It would have been hilarious if Eddie hadn’t hated making Steve worried.

He reached for Steve’s hands, still on his shoulders, and put on his most persuasive voice. “Steve, baby, I swear I’m fine! No attacks, no black eyes, no broken bones. I’m completely fine!” He even grabbed his collar and moved it to the side so Steve could check. “See? No strangulation marks. Uh...no new strangulation marks, post-bat.”

Steve seemed to be calming down, good. Fantastic. “So...” he said slowly, “...you don’t need them for yourself? Did one one of the kids get hurt? Wayne?”

Eddie really wanted to punch himself in the face now. Why hadn’t he spent those five extra minutes looking for the bandaids himself?!

“No. Look, Steve. I need them for myself, but for something small. Something very very VERY tiny. I just made a not-so-ideal decision and now I want to treat the consequences.”

Steve’s eyes narrowed and his stare traveled directly into Eddie’s soul. “Eddie. What. Did. You. Do?”

“...I think it would be easier to show you.”

---

In another hindsight, it would have been easier to tell Steve. If Eddie thought seeing the crime scene would calm his boyfriend down, he was dead wrong.

Steve’s eyes traveled over the destruction. Eddie’s books, neatly arranged on bookshelves that morning, were now lying everywhere. The books from the bookcase didn’t fare any better - except the bookcase was now lying on them, over their bed. Speaking of the bed, the plant that they saved from a local dumpster and nurtured back to health? That plant was now depotted over Eddie’s pillow.

He sucked in a breath through his front teeth. “Did someone break in?”

Eddie shook his head so fast his hair became a tangled mess. “No. Nono. Steve. No one invaded our wonderful home. No one damaged our property. I mean, someone did, but it was...very much deserved.”

“Eddie. Explain. Now.”

“Oh yeah. Sure. Will do. Um...how long a version do you want?”

“Concise.”

“Right. In short - Ozzy did this.” Noticing Steve’s disbelieving stare, Eddie quickly added: “But I deserved it. Totally.”

Steve sat down onto the single clean and empty spot on their bed. “Are you telling me that our cat knocked over a full bookcase?”

Eddie had the decency to look guilty. “Oh no, that was me.”

“I take back the “concise” request. Tell me everything. Step by step.”

“Right.” Eddie’s eyes darted between each aspect of the crime scene, trying to put together a reasonable explanation. “So. I was sitting on the bed with Ozzy. He didn’t like something I did and decided to run away, but I was...sort of connected to him.”

“Sort of connected...?”

Eddie waved his hand. “I’ll explain. But as he was escaping, I had to go after him, because you know...connected. And he really didn’t like that. So he jumped up that bookcase and we were still-”

“-connected?” Steve didn’t seem to understand or believe any of it, but he was certainly entertained.

“Yep. So I tried to climb the bookcase and get him down.”

Steve’s palm connected with his forehead with a resounding slap. “Eddie. Do you know how physics work?”

Snorting, Eddie shook his head. “Of course I don’t, Steve. Failed high school twice, remember? But I also know your grades and because of that I dare to say - neither do you. Not that physics would have gotten Ozzy down.”

“That part is true.” Steve was grinning back at him, imagining the chaos. “So, you climbed the bookcase and it fell on you. What next?”

Eddie pointed at the sad remains of Steve’s plant. “I knew how much you love that plant, so I decided to save it. Since it was on that bookshelf. I heroically leapt from the bookcase and towards the plant, but I have miscalculated my daring rescue.”

Steve’s eyebrows did that adorable confused scrunch. “You what?”

“I jumped too fast and it fell on my head.”

“Oh.”

Eddie nodded, touching a sore spot on his nape. “Yeah. And my head gave it that extra bounce to land on the pillow. Wrong side up, I’m afraid.”

Steve reached out to the plant and picked it up, examining its leaves. “I think she’ll live. She’s a strong girl. Continue.”

“Not much more to tell,” Eddie shrugged. “Ozzy used the commotion to disconnect himself from me and darted outside. I got soil out of my hair and went to ask you for bandaids.

Steve was stroking the plant’s leaves, checking for damage. “The one thing I don’t understand is this. How didn’t I hear it happening?”

“Oh, it was much faster than it sounds. And I believe you were washing the dishes.”

“That explains it,” Steve nodded and set the plant into its miraculously unharmed flower pot. “One more question then. How were you connected?”

Eddie started chewing on his hair and looking at the ground instead of Steve. “You know...it’s almost Christmas, right?” he asked in a quiet voice. “And you love Christmas. Everyone knows you love Christmas, so...”

“Eddie. How were you connected?” he repeated slowly, carefully.

He smiled sheepishly, pulling something colorful from his pocket. “Do you know how they say that fate connects you with a red string? Something like that. The rest shall be revealed when we find Ozzy. I think he’s hiding under the sink again.”

Steve stood up and sighed the deepest sigh Eddie had heard in ages. “I have no clue where this is going,”

---

Ozzy was, as Eddie had predicted, hiding under the sink. He was hiding really well, 10/10 would not find the cat, except for the red wool that led from the corridor directly to the bathroom. And when they finally got the unhappy cat out with promises of treats and even more treats, Steve finally saw it and laughed.

“Really, this is what you did?” he asked and reached out to free Ozzy.

Despite his prompt escape, Ozzy still bore wounds from his brave fight against Eddie. Except those weren’t wounds, it was a half-unraveled red Christmas sweater. Steve thought he recognized Claudia Henderson’s work. No matter who knitted it, Ozzy obviously hated the idea.

Eddie was, just like the sweater, bright red. “See, it was nearly finished and I promised to try it on him, just to see if it fits. And when he decided he didn’t like it, which was pretty much immediately, I think one of the loose threads got caught on my rings. So...yeah.”

 Steve pulled him into a kiss and scratched Ozzy’s back, now free from the wooly prison.

“You really thought you could get that sweater on our cat? You’re adorable. I’ll get those bandaids.”

#SpicySixWinterFanworksChallenge #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie fanfiction

[taerple]

JOHN PRICE - HIDE AND SEEK

— warning: in no way this is meant to sexualize anyone, this is all entertainment purposes only. thanks for reading.

- stalking. obsessive behavior. harsh language. mention of killing. knife play and smut scenes.

It’s pathetic, I’m pathetic. Knowing that I feel safe and peaceful when my deranged fucking stalker is around everywhere that I am? I do, it makes me sick to even admit it. The safer his presence makes me feel around him, I get terrified of him twice as much. It’s horrifying to know that I could lose my life any day now, not that he wants to kill me, quite the opposite actually.

He wouldn’t— but he could if he wanted to, and I can’t win against him. He loves to see the terrified look etched on my face every time he’s outside of my house, vulnerable and anxious. He wants me to be scared of him.

He loves seeing me cover in the safety of my own house, unable to do anything more than watch as his face contorts with glee whenever he sees me. I hate myself for not being able to fight back, I stand no chance. This man knows me inside out— he can probably predict what I’d do in any and every situation.

I can’t let him get the satisfaction of seeing me tremble within my skin. I can’t let him win every single time he decides to scare me by roaming outside my house, trying to instill a sense of dread inside me. I can’t even talk to anyone without making sure they don’t lose their lives— especially guys.

I know that if a guy even wishes to talk to me, he’s probably going to sew their vocals chords shut. No, he’s definitely going to. No amount of security can confine this man. Nothing. Everything I’ve tried has failed. He always finds some way to maneuver around the system. But that’s okay, because this time I’ll show him that I’m not scared of him. Even if I am, like every night, he’ll stop by— he’ll roam around my house like always, sometimes would send me a text message, and then he’ll leave.

But this time I’ll find the perfect moment, just a small crack in his plan and I’ll flee away from here. He’ll be here soon…

Just the thought of him makes my hair stand. I focused on my breathing, listening intently to outside noises. My head whips towards the noise of a branch cracking outside. He’s here.

I grab a knife just in case things don’t go accordingly— and tiptoe towards a window in my living room. I peeked through the tiny opening while looking at his hooded figure, my breath hitches. He halts in his steps, taking out his phone, seeing his fingers rapidly pressing on the screen.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket before slowly taking it out…

I must be looking good today, seeing how hard you’re staring at me.

Furrowing my brows, I look away from the screen and back at him just to see him looking right directly at me. Shit…

He begins walking west from my front door, starting to roam around my house like usual. I wait for a minute, knowing that he’ll be on the opposite side from my front door, and then I rush towards the door. But I immediately freeze hearing keys jingle. Wait a damn minute, why is he here? He’s supposed to be on the other side.

I hear him inserting the key in the lock. My legs develop a mind of their own as I dashed to the nearest wall and hid behind it. The door cracks open, revealing a tall hooded figure as he starts to walk around. Few minutes later, I hear his footsteps going upstairs. Now’s my chance.

I charge for the door when suddenly I stopped dead in my track. “Going somewhere, my love?” I gulped and slowly turned around and there he was, walking downstairs. I feel the liquid adrenaline pumping through my body. I just froze, I couldn’t even move an inch. His deep British accent voice rings inside my skull.

“You’re too scared to run, aren’t you?” I whimper involuntarily. He’s right. My knees begin to tremble while he grin widens, knowing he got under my skin. I come back to my senses before holding my knife up— my hands slightly shaking violently.

“Stay the fuck away from me.” I muttered out, my voice slightly cracking.

“Do you like games, sweetheart?” He questions challengingly, his words drenched in cockiness. I shake my head slowly. He slightly smirks before continuing.

“How about a game called Hide and Seek? If you can hide for ten minutes without being caught, then I’ll leave, forever.” He raises his eyebrows, studying my face. For someone who has been infatuated with me for almost three months, disappearing altogether in ten minutes doesn’t sound promising. Either way, I don’t care. I’ll do whatever it takes— and if ten minutes is all it takes, then so be it.

“Start counting.” He commands, before he exits out of the front door and circling my house— making sure I don’t try to officially run away in the process. There are absolutely no hiding spots in my fucking house. I managed to find a compact space in my closet, just enough for my body to squeeze in.

A few minutes later, I hear the front door close— and his heavy boots clanking on the floor. I count the minutes in my head. Approximately seven minutes later, I realize that I don’t hear him.

I quietly crawl out, making sure I don’t creak my floors— which ends up taking some time to reach. He’s nowhere. I have about fourteen seconds, and it’s over. I swiftly moved— being cautions of my surroundings as I make my way to the front door. Counting down the seconds in my head, I reached for the doorknob, twisting it and flipping the door opened on the last few seconds.

Before I could dashed out, someone grabs me by my waist and pushed me on the hard cold floor— my back colliding harshly with it. “Gotcha. Did you think you can really outsmart me? You have no fucking idea who I am. You can’t get past me even if you wanted to. I hope what I’m going to do next answers your previous questions, yeah?” He hisses before hovering above me— his hands are on my throat, slightly knocking the air out of my lungs.

I struggled, attempting to shove him away but my efforts are futile. Suddenly, he leans down close to me and presses his lips onto mines— this shouldn’t feel good— I shouldn’t like this. The way his lips mould with mine, leaving no space between us. How is tongue explores my mouth greedily, licking into me. How he touches me everywhere. I don’t have a damn choice— I managed to roughly push him off of me, gasping for air. My chest was slightly burning while my heart was racing rapidly.

One of his hands is around my throat while the other grabs the knife is my hand that I had long forgotten about. “What should I do with you, hm?” I struggle against him, but his strong hold is tight. He waves the knife around my cheek, my shaking body risking getting sliced. “Or maybe I should cut that pretty tongue of yours.” He slightly scoffs, the tip of the knife slightly pushing onto my bottom lip, making a tiny cut as blood tickles down my chin.

“Open your mouth.” He orders, and I comply, feeling his grip on my throat slowly loosen. I opened my mouth which was slightly twitching and trembling in fear before he slowly inserts the knife, the flat blunt surface of the cold metal on my tongue— being careful not to cut the inside of my mouth. “Or maybe I should…” his sentence trails off as his eyes set on my throbbing cunt. He slowly leads the tip of the knife between my legs, only a centimeter away from my core. “Take it off.” He demands, gently gazing against my clit through my shorts.

“Come on sweetheart, take ‘em off.” His tone sounds so reassuring but his actions are the complete opposite. My fingers move and hook around the hem of my shorts, pulling them off roughly. I can feel the pool of my arousal painting my thighs and soaking my panties.

His orbs instantly latch down there. “Does this excite you? How fucking adorable.” His smokey laugh pinches my ears, and I feel the humiliation swell my skin. The knife slips under the hem and cuts off the string on both sides.

I gasped— completely bottomless, and aching. He turns his knife around so he grips the sharp metal, the tight grip making his palm start to bleed. The handle stops at my opening— then I feel it slowly pushing inside, causing me to moan slightly. “Come on baby, let it out.” He commanding voice booms out while he thrusts deeper— his thumb circling on my clit roughly.

The pleasure builds more and more until it explodes inside of me, flooding my system with immense pleasure. My eyes flutter shut and my mouth hangs open as my entire body tenses— it’s almost unbearable. He moves my hair aside, pressing his warm lips on my neck and placing featherlight kisses there.

“Good girl.” He praises, before embracing me in his strong arms. “No matter where you go or what you do, you’ll always be my prey— and I’ll always hunt you down.”

#captain john price #captain price x reader #cod mw3 #cod x reader #john price #john price smut #john price x reader #captain price smut #barry sloane #stalker #obsession #stalking fantasy #all fake #barry paul sloane #captain john price x reader #call of duty #taerple

[insidefernweh]

Well, hello.

A couple months ago one silly woman (me) decided that it’s time for creativity to take a hold of her and let something cool into this world.

And that’s how I decided to give birth to…a The Amazing Devil blanket. Or I might have dreamed it whilst being feverish. Who knows.

It’s been three months of stitching, embroidering, sewing, unmaking the mistakes, cursing, saying ‘waahheeey’ at the end of the complete step, cursing again and enjoying the hell out of the process of something being made into the realness. 

It is literally the embodiment of me. I love it and hate it equally. It has got my favourite quotes from the songs. Yes, that’s me — your favourite girl with maelstrom of lyrics instead of a brain. It also has got some of my blood somewhere along the stitches (did i do it on purpose to please the fae gods aka Joey and Madeleine? you’ll never know. hashtag blood magic.) I wanted to get it done for the Ruin Appreciation Week (though it contains lyrics from all albums) so that was me last week because it was very FAR from being done:

I’m posting the bigger picture + close ups of smaller details and songs’ lyrics. Please feel free to reach out if you want to see a better close up or just to pat me on the head.

I’m posting a video too. It’s silly so enjoey. (ha! see what I did here. that was a typing accident. it’s 1am now. forgive me my jokes.)

warning: the video include some probably offensive actions to the professional seamstresses. i’m only a humble ignorant person who decided to sew for the first time in her life. i do hope you’ll like it.

references used:

the central embroidery: TAD’s old picture from some posters back in the love run era + some sage and forget-me-nots

top right and left bottom corners: pictures of joey and madeleine

songs: secret worlds, the calling, inkpot gods, drinking song for the socially anxious, chords, farewell wanderlust, not yet/love run (reprise), that unwanted animal, battle cries, elsa’s song, wild blue yonder

UPD: A few of you have been asking about the quotes I used on my blanket/quilt and why I chose them so here I am:

If you ask me for my fire, just watch me burn — you know what, I recently started to interpret this line in a positive way? It was a recent thing I understood about myself. I always thought I was good at working/doing things well in the long run, when you have to do it patiently and for years but in my journey of self-discovery I realized that in reality I’m much better as a sprinter — someone who does an incredible job while being under the vast amount of pressure and when you need to do it in a restricted period of time; I will give all of myself to this project/work, every bit of passion I have, every bit of patience. So yeah. If you ask me for my fire — just watch me burn. But then I’ll hibernate for a month. 

Can’t you hear it howling? — OKAY HANDS DOWN PROBABLY MY FAVOURITE LYRICS/MELODY SECTION FROM THE WHOLE RUIN ALBUM. Even not the part that is sung by Madeleine, but the back voices Joey’s harmonies sing in the final chorus at 4:28 and till the end. OOOOH WHY SO GOOD.

If I don’t make it back from where i’ve gone just know I loved you all along — this is such a beautiful closing of the song. also such a tormenting thought. i love it.

Such endless blue — I’ve always been drawn to the dark blue colours, especially when I paint. I always run out of the blue watercolour because contrary to this song, it’s not endless :D I’m manifesting an abyss of blue watercolour for myself here lol

You say the words so often but I barely know the meaning — okay so Elsa’ Song is primarily pretty heartbreaking right? The more heartbreaking part being that it is sung as a lullaby. Who didn’t have that moment when the meaning of the words you’re saying slips through your fingers just because you said them too often? Who didn’t have that sad awakening moment of losing trust in a person just because they always promised something and never did it?

After summers of fasting I feel hunger at last — I’ve been thinking about tattooing this quote for quite a while now. It reminds me of my depressive state which very often returned to me in summer and every time it slowly creeped away, I felt the hunger for life in the early autumn.  Every time felt like an eternity. 

Is nought but fumble-falls and guns and tumbleweeds, love, run — my favourite quote from the superior use of the English language that is that section in Love Run. I am in love with it. All the phonetic twirls makes me shiver sometimes.

Well, hello my hollow Holofernes — ALLITERATION SUPREMACY!!  

I’ll sing silence and ask my glass of wine for guidance — i love to sit at home alone and stare into my glass. it doesn’t answer though. what about it. and again — to sing silence? OXYMORONS GIVE ME THEM

Go tell me how we fucked you up and oh my god, it’s so unfair — ah. the hardship of parenting/teaching. I was there, I remember it all too well. 

Let’s us waltz for the dead — the oxymoronic style of this line IS JUST A CHEF’S KISS. WALTZ? VERY SOPHISTICATED THING? FOR THE DEAD? NOT THAT PLEASANT TYPE OF A THING? mister batey let me boop you affectionately on the nose you are so clever.

#the amazing devil #joey batey #madeleine hyland #embroidery #ruinanniversary2022

[twyftwyt]

here’s a short Noah imagine i scrabbled in my notes app while rotting in bed, i’m wondering if i should write more.

…you have more pieces of me than the desert has sand

and i have less pieces of you than i can hold in my hand…

I knew we weren’t dating. I knew we were never gonna be together officially, so what was the point of fighting over it? What was the point of this whole thing, actually? I wasn’t his to claim and he, for sure, was not mine to call. He was gone almost 300 days of the year. He had gigs, festivals, signings, award shows, record meetings. And I had a 9 to 5 job. I went home, cooked, cleaned, went on vacation sometimes but my routine was way different from his.

So why were we sitting in his car, at 2 in the morning, fighting over “labels”?

“I’m not about to argue with a man who doesn’t even know what he wants.”

“Do you hear yourself? I don’t know what I want? Me? Is that how we’re turning the narrative now?”

“No, Noah. The narrative’s been the same this whole time. Just admit that you don’t want a relationship and we can call it a day and I can finally go home and sleep, cause I have work tomorrow.”

My eyes were burning and so were my cheeks. I was flushed with anger and I could already feel the tears coming.

“I never, NOT ONCE, said that I do not want a relationship. I am INCAPABLE of maintaining one. You wanna miss me for a month straight, see me for a weekend, travel the whole world to spend a day, maximum two with me in between shows? You want me calling you in the middle of the night, waking you up just because where I’m at it’s midday and it’s the only possible time for me to call you? You want to put us in a position where my trust will be questioned all the time? And you’ll be anxious if you see me with another woman just because I HAVE to work with her? You wanna go through all of this?”

“Seems like you don’t want to, so what’s the point of having this conversation? Please, just take me home.”

I couldn’t contain myself anymore and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I was starting to shake but I didn’t want to make a bigger scene than what this conversation had already turned to. I was spent. And hurt and tired. And he was just sitting in the driver seat, looking at me, not knowing what to do. He looked so pathetic, it was insane how much I allowed myself to fall in love with him. He was just. a. stupid. man. He never knew how to react properly and most of the time it was funny watching him struggle to pick the right words, but he was always big on physical contact, so he’d just pull me in his arms until I stop crying. He didn’t do that now though. He was just staring at me, blankly. I turned to face the window and put my legs up on the seat, curling into a little ball.

I heard the engine start and the radio came back to life with the most gut wrenching song Spotify could pick. God, I hate that shared playlist. And I hate myself for falling for him.

#noah sebastian #bad omens #bad omens cult #noah sebastian fic #Spotify

[archiveikemen]

『 Tamed By The Villain in The Dark 』 Story Sale

Liam Evans

Content Warning: unprotected sex, anal sex?? depends on how you want to interpret it because it's very vague as usual

This is a fan-made translation solely for entertainment purposes with no guaranteed perfection. I do not own any of the original content. Please support CYBIRD by buying their stories and playing their games. Reblogs appreciated.

Warnings and FAQ

Kate: Shall we try it blindfolded?

Liam: … Huh?

It was a quiet night where I could spend time with my beloved, without worrying about missions or being busy.

Liam was surprised by the idea I mustered the courage to bring up— the look on his face changed.

Liam: Did anyone… did Al put strange ideas into your head?

While I wasn't exactly chaste around Liam, I was rarely ever that bold either.

It seemed that Liam thought it was someone else who influenced me to suddenly suggest doing it blindfolded.

Kate: That’s not true. I thought of this on my own accord.

Liam: You did? But why… all of a sudden…

Liam: … Am I no longer enough for you?

All hints of emotion on his face instantly vanished and he firmly grabbed my shoulders.

Kate: Not at all! I’ve never thought that you’re not enough for me.

Liam: … Really? Then why?

Kate: Whenever we’re making love, whenever we kiss… whenever we touch, I’m always on the receiving end.

Kate: Sometimes, out of curiosity, I feel like I want to try something different on my end.

Liam: And that's why… you suggested doing it blindfolded?

Kate: Yes, because it’s painless and doesn’t require any special tools.

Liam: I- I see…

Liam finally relaxed his grip on my shoulders.

Kate: Let me ask again… what do you think? Shall we try playing with blindfolds?

Liam always treated me with extreme kindness, accepting every one of my wishes.

However, I didn't want him to agree to my suggestion just because I said it, but because he wanted it himself…

I took a peek at his facial expression, making sure I wasn't making him feel too pressured.

Liam: Since you suggested it, of course I’m all for it! Fufu… I’m a really lucky man.

Liam: Before I met you, I resorted to risky ways to satisfy my curiosity.

Liam: Now, it's you who satisfies me and keeps me alive. I’m very happy about that.

Liam: … I’ll always be grateful to you.

Liam whispered those words of gratitude and gently kissed me on the lips.

Liam: … So, who will be the blindfolded one?

Kate: I don’t mind either. Let’s go with whichever you want, Liam.

Liam: Hmm, I think I’d enjoy both, but…

Liam: Wouldn't you feel lost if I’m blindfolded?

Kate: That’s… that’s true.

It was easy to imagine my embarrassment getting in the way and spoiling the mood.

Liam: Then it’s settled! I’ll take the lead.

…

Liam: Is this too tight?

Kate: Nope, it’s fine.

We moved onto the bed and Liam blindfolded me with a handkerchief, securing it behind my head.

(The room isn't well lit at night, so being blindfolded really makes it look pitch black…)

Although I knew that Liam was close by, I felt a little anxious and reached my hand out searching for him.

Liam: I’m right here.

Liam’s soothing voice melted my anxiety away as he pulled my hand closer to him, and I felt a familiar smooth surface at my fingertips.

(This is… Liam’s face.)

Liam chuckled when I moved my fingers across his cheek like I was stroking a cat.

(... I wish I could see the look on his face right now.)

Even though I couldn't see, I could imagine his smile, but it just wasn't the same as seeing it.

We were only at the blindfolding stage, and yet I was already yearning for him. I inwardly laughed at myself.

Liam: Oh, right… I’m not going to do anything mean, but we should still decide on a safe word just in case.

Kate: A safe word…?

Liam: A word you can use to let me know if you don’t feel good or don't want me to do something.

(Right… he can’t read my facial expression as usual when I’m blindfolded.)

Kate: Then… let’s go with “hate”. It's a word I’ll never use with you, unless it’s something severe.

Liam: Okay. I’ll stop immediately if you say it.

Liam: … Although I might get so shocked, my heart stops beating.

Liam jokingly said with a smile, but I knew those words reflected his true feelings.

A single word from me was enough to end his life.

The weight of my words to him alone told me everything about how much he loved me.

(... But it’s mutual.)

A single word from him can end my life.

That was how I knew the depth of my love for him.

If I was to lose Liam, my world would lose its brightest star and fall into pitch darkness, just like being blindfolded.

Kate: — Liam.

Liam: Yeah, Kate?

In the darkness where I couldn't see, Liam’s voice sounded much more precious than ever.

Kate: … Please always be by my side.

Liam: Of course. I’m not going anywhere while you’re blindfolded.

My request wasn't only for the present moment, but also for the future. Liam was unaware of that.

It was enough for me that Liam, who once held no hope for the future, could make that promise.

Liam: Have you adjusted to being blindfolded? I’m going to lay you down now.

Liam placed on hand on my back for support as he gently lowered me onto the bed.

I felt glad he treated me with more tenderness than usual because I couldn’t see through the blindfold.

(I can never… trust anyone else with my body in the dark.)

I realised another thing I could only do with Liam, the man I loved and trusted more than anyone else.

The bed creaked as Liam got on top of me while slipping his hand underneath my clothes.

Kate: Ah…

Being unable to see meant that I wouldn't know when he was going to touch me, so even the slightest touch made me moan.

Liam: … Are you okay?

Kate: Y-Yes… just surprised.

Liam: Heh…

Liam responded with a mischievous chuckle and went on to slowly massage my breasts.

A burning feeling of frustration was bubbling inside my body.

Liam: Your nipples are getting pointy… still surprised?

Liam teasingly traced his fingers around my nipples without touching them.

Kate: Ah… nng… ahhh! P-Please touch me…

I was usually more reserved in bed, but having my eyes covered made me feel bold.

I begged Liam to release me from the frustration building up in me.

Liam: Fufu… alright. I’ll touch wherever you want me to, Kate.

He pinched my nipples between his fingers, stimulating them.

Kate: Nngh… ohh…

Liam: … Your face is red. Feeling good?

Liam: I haven't touched you here yet…

His fingers poked at their sensitive peaks.

Kate: Ahh… t-this is strange… I’m more sensitive than usual… ggh

(I thought being blindfolded wouldn't make much difference…)

(His feeling of his hands against my skin feels hotter and more pleasurable than usual…)

Liam: Strange? Not at all. Your other senses are heightened because you can’t see. Like this…

Kate: Nn…!

The mere feeling of his breath against my ear made me shiver.

Liam: Ahaha, you’re a cutie. … I’m going to love you even more.

Liam nibbled on my ear, flicking the auricle with the tip of his tongue while continuing to stimulate the peaks of my breasts.

Liam: … Ah, you’re turning red here too.

Kate: That’s because you're touching me.. ahh…!

I twisted my body away, feeling embarrassed being the only one seen.

But Liam pinned me down by the shoulders, not allowing me to escape.

Liam: It’s okay, don’t be shy. Let me see more.

I wondered when my clothes got removed as Liam repeatedly dropped kisses on my bare chest.

Liam: … Ahh, you look so delicious. I can't help but get excited at the sight of your reddened skin.

Liam slid his fingers across my chest, tracing the kiss marks he left.

Even that slight touch brought me immense pleasure, causing a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach.

Liam: … I’ll pleasure you with my hands until I’m all you can think of.

In that split second I felt relieved when his hand moved away from my chest—

He pulled my panties off, exposing the lower half of my body to the chilly air.

Liam: They're already this ruined… you’re so lovely, Kate.

Kate: Wha—.... ahh!

Liam stimulated the wet spot at the apex of my legs with his fingers.

Liam: … Hear these wet sounds? The sound of you getting wet for me…

Liam’s fingers were covered in my love juices as he rubbed my sensitive spot.

Kate: Ahh… nnn…!

Liam: Did you cum already…? You came faster than usual. Could it be because you’re blindfolded?

Kate: Haah… L-Liam… wait…

I rolled over and got onto all fours to catch my breath.

(Since I’m blindfolded, this should be a safe position…)

Liam: … You tell me to wait, but your position says otherwise.

Kate: Huh…?

Not giving me even a tiny bit of time to rest, Liam roughly grabbed my hips.

Liam: Here too, it’s twitching like it’s hungry for something… is it feeling lonely? Let me fill it up then…

Kate: … AHH!

He lifted my butt and penetrated deep inside me from behind like a wild beast.

Liam: Fufu… we’re really… like cats…

Kate: Eek…! Ahh, ahhh…!

Every time my body shook, cries of pleasure escaped my open mouth.

Kate: L-Liam… stop…

Liam: Haah… the word is “hate” if you really want me to stop…

Liam: It’s okay if you want to say the word.

Liam’s sweet whisper oozed into my ears and to my head, melting my entire body all the way down to my hips.

(I don't want to say “hate”... because I… actually…)

Kate: …

Kate: Liam… I want… more…

Liam: … I can’t go easy on you if you say that.

We made love over and over again in that neverending darkness—

…

By the time we were done, my sense of time was already completely messed up.

(Is it morning already…? I can’t tell with the blindfold on.)

(I still think I was the only one feeling good…)

(What about Liam? Did he feel even the slightest bit of pleasure…?)

Kate: Liam, are you awake?

Liam: Of course. I’ve been watching you.

Kate: I want to see your face, Liam.

Liam: …

Kate: … Liam?

Liam: Ah… sorry, let me remove it for you right away.

The blindfold was finally removed, and I saw the morning sun rising in the distance.

Liam, whose face I’ve been longing to see, wore a complicated expression. It looked like a mix of fulfilment and distress.

Kate: … Is something wrong?

Liam: I just got the thought that if you can’t see, I’ll be the only one in your world; and that would make me insanely happy.

Liam: Then I realised that if that's the case, our eyes wouldn't get to meet like this. So I think it’s still better if you remain able to see.

(That’s why he hesitated to remove the blindfold…)

Kate: … You’re right. It’s better if I can see… because I want to look at you.

Liam: Yeah… I’ll always be in your beautiful eyes.

I want us to forever be in each other’s worlds, until the very moment the lights fade from these eyes.

We exchanged a gentle kiss and sank back into the bed again.

#held onto this story for very long and decided to finally post it to thank yall for 900 followers mwehehe #ikemen villains #ikemen series #cybird ikemen #otome #cybird otome #ikevil story sale #liam evans

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🦐 to recognize my post

Am I the asshole for asking my grandmother if I can move in with her?

This’ll be one of your classic reddit-style family dramas, I think. Back in late 2019 just before COVID, I (freshly 18 at the time) had run away from home with my mom and moved in with my best friend (R, 17 in 2019) and her (60s, deeply depressed) dad. Her dad and I were on good terms for a long time, but respectfully, he has a tendency to repress any issues he has with someone until they build into a bigger issue. Near toward November of 2020, he kicked me out on account of ‘not keeping a job and not doing anything around the house’ (I washed stagnant dishes often, took care of their several animals, and took out trash whenever I could, R and I think he was projecting his shitty roommates from when he was 20 onto me), so I needed a new place to move.

My own beloved father lives ten hours away, and offered for me to live with him. For months, I was preparing to pick up my entire life from the hometown I had lived in since I was 2 years old to move to a new state, and in the last month, I got cold feet and said I couldn’t make such a large change like that. My dad completely understood, and I went to look for a new place to stay, still living with R and her dad at this time.

During this period, I was getting closer with my grandmother on my mom’s side again. She was one of the few family members I felt comfortable with, and we often went to Panera for lunch dates to catch up on things. I won’t go super deep into why I’m so anxious about the rest of the family, because that would require an entire several page google document to explain (especially now that we’re actively banned from holidays).

It was around this time I asked my grandmother if I could move into one of her five or six spare rooms upstairs. My grandfather had died in the last couple of months, and I was confident that if she needed any help (she’s in her mid eighties) moving things upstairs or cleaning the house, I would be beyond glad to do it for her. She then hesitated and said it may be a better idea for me to move in with my dad after all (which was odd, because she hates my dad’s guts, as does the rest of my family), and I let it go after that. I didn’t push, I would just need to find a new place. 

Well, word got around, and she told my aunts and older cousins in passing. I don’t remember if I got sent anything in specific, but one of my aunts (mother’s older sister who I'm genuinely terrified of) absolutely fucking exploded on my (54 at the time) mom, giving her a several paragraph long shitstorm of a message saying she was a terrible mother for letting me take advantage of my grandmother, calling her horrible things, slurs, and insulting her wife, and it got back to me somehow. I was fucking shredded apart emotionally.

Since then, I have moved back in with my mother out of necessity and we have totally reconciled our relationship in the three or so years I’ve been home, and my entire mother’s side of the family- aside from my grandmother- has completely cut contact and don’t invite us to holidays anymore, for significantly more ridiculous reasons than me asking my grandmother what I did.

My mother’s side of the family ostracized her, myself, and my sister since my mother first married my dad 25ish years ago, and has just never treated her the same since, which explains some of the hostility (I want to specify, I’m confident that my mother did nothing outright wrong for this, my family is extremely far-right and EXTREMELY judgemental, and my mom bore unnecessary vitrol for everything she went through), but I need to know if I was actually the asshole for asking to move in with my grandmother, who even now still cares about me as family and lives alone. I could give less of a shit what my aunt thinks now (she lives an entire day’s drive away, in a different state as well), but I can’t help but shake the fear that I was actually taking advantage of her kindness or something of the sort. Was this a wrong thing to ask? Was this actually too much, and should I not have bothered?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[lumizwrld]

ＰＲＯＦＥＳＳＩＯＮＡＬ✯

"I love, you love. This love, we're professional..."

➢ !Dom¡ Ryohei Arisu ♥︎ Afro-Latina Reader

☕︎ word count ・3.2k (This late ass lil Valentine's Day smut, I'm so mad bc I wanted to post this on valentines Day but I ended up changing some things around.♥︎)

⚠︎NSFW WARNING⚠︎

cw ✐ outside the borderland universe, valentines day sex, shy arisu turning into dom, sensual, passionate, roughness, dirty talking, teasing, arisu eating reader out, cowgirl, missionary, reverse cowgirl, swallowing, submissive reader, moaning, whimpering, groaning, arisu being a good boyfriend, only Arisu Ryohei's perspective

✍︎ Summary = Not only had it been Valentine's Day, but it was also the day that Arisu showed his all to you. Being your boyfriend of just 1 year, he wanted to end this Valentine's Day off with a banger. As you're met with his surprise, you also find him hiding away from you (knowing his cowardness). After met, you encountered with his aggression, his frustration with himself, handing it all out to you in the most sinful way. ✧

It felt like she was never going to walk through that door, time unexpectedly reached a standstill lingering for her urgently to open that door and die from the death-defining adornment of all my love scattered through the apartment loft.

Anxious, I spent hours trying to find the best-looking outfit I could find and made sure it was her favorite color. Midori, the creation of yellow and blue. A green dress suit that complimented black pants and a pair of dress shoes embodied on me. I only desired perfection yet, she wouldn't want it any different. She would be happy even if I wore black sweats and a white t-shirt. From what I can recall earlier, she preached, “Please don’t go overboard about today, when I come back home, let's just smoke and lay in each other's arms? That could be our lil Valentine's Day right there." however, I feel like sometimes she doesn’t know how tenacious I can be when I listen to her.

Call it crazy, I was never the type to do anything so grand as this. Granted, I’m best with my hands yet I’d never expected to create an outbreak of devotion to her. Petals of roses scattered all over the floor, the flame of the candles shining so bright like an August day, inhaling the air of romance in the atmosphere, and centering the stage with her favorite songs faintly singing their way throughout the place….

God, she's gonna kill me…

“Shit Y/N, stop making me panic like crazy just hurry please…” I prayed in my head, disregarding the fact that the more I kept my eyes on the door the more I’d be tempted to faint. “C’mon baby, make it home quick.”

Pacing, fidgeting of fingers as I tried to ignore how nervous I was. “Shit.” I groaned to myself, placing my arms behind my head. For a moment, I thought I heard keys fidgeting at the door. Anxiety rushed all over me again, striding toward the door and then taking a slight step back.

“Fuck,” I groaned, “I-I can’t do this…” I uttered in my head.

“Baby I’m home-“ She spoke before being astounded at the place. I could sense her soft footsteps kissing the floor, loving every moment of this affection. Nonetheless, I hid in the master bathroom. Heart pulsating out my chest, I had no clue why I felt terrified to meet her.

She drives me crazy, I hate the way I get with her…

I hate that she tenses me up without doing absolutely anything to me…

Her gentle voice sang out my name yet I refused. It was guilt, agitation, and love fighting in my body right now. I couldn’t regulate to move.

“Ryohei? Where are you amor come out,” She questioned, sauntering up the stairs to the bedroom. “Baby you don’t understand how in love I am with the place. You didn’t have to do this.”

“G-Give me a second hani, I-I’m in the bathroom.” I notified her, head thrown into my palms as I elongated a groan.

“Hey…” She expressed, embracing her body against the bathroom door. “Don’t hide from me. Don’t be nervous baby, I love what you did. Thank you for that.”

A weak giggle flew from my lips, “Hani I’m fine I swear. I just had to use the bathroom that’s all. You love it huh?”

I could hear her voice pitch up scarcely, chuckling while battling to open the door for me. “Ryohei c’mon, I wanna see you.”

Hesitated, my hands trembling as if the temperature plunged in the room. I held my breath for an instant, my hand reaching out for the knob. A slight turn for the lock, gradually opening the door was all I needed to do before her eyes lit with a thousand stars.

“Hi…” I spoke, shoving my hands in my pockets as her eyes scrutinized my frame.

“You went all out for me,” She confessed, creeping closer to me with her hands elevated towards my chest. “You look so handsome cariño, oh my god…” She adored, inclining her head against my neck.

“I’m sorry for-“

“I know it’s okay, you went all out for me I know this probably overwhelmed you.”

“I just feel like I made this awkward now. I hid away from you and it’s like…I’ve been waiting for you all day you don’t understand mama I-

How swiftly, her lips shut my doubts up. Her fingers, locked themselves up behind my waist. Her tongue, communicating with mine. She made me melt in her embrace, I didn’t know where to position my hands. It was so bad how this kiss instantly made me desperate for her.

My head tilted inwards, permitting her hand to crawl up my back to the strands of my hair. She certainly knew for a fact that this was all gonna be in her control yet, I desired things to change for a second. Her free hand seizes my neck as her kisses trailed down my lips to my jawline. I guess this was her turn to show me her devotion to me cause, it had me to a point where it illustrated all over my face how badly I wanted to touch her beautiful body. All her pent from work, relieved from my bare hands. Even though she was always the one to command, I yearned for this to be all about her.

“How was work baby?” I communicated, my hand going for the back of her head as she made love to my neck.

“It was slow, but…All I thought about was you. I couldn't wait to get here.”

“That's…” I spoke before sighing at her gentle bites. “Good to hear baby, I've just been doing this all day.”

“I can tell, you do love me.” She whispered in my ear. Kissing it gradually, she was luring me deeply into her pool of lust.

“C’mon baby, let me take this off you.” I offered, taking her coat off. As she became free from the restriction of her puffer coat, her hands latched onto my entire body. “Baby, it's okay you don't gotta rush.”

“It's not me rushing, you deserve this.”

“I deserve this? All I did was just show you how much you mean to me, you always show me how much you love me. Granted I do, but I wanna do it in a form-”

I could feel her taking the lead, slowly walking back to the bed as she clung to me. “Mi amor, you talk too damn much. Just look pretty and let me do everything okay?”

I giggled, “Alright don't fuck with me like that."

She giggled in unison, “You’re everything to me. I love you, but you need to realize how much you are worth. You're worth everything fucking thing on this planet.”

I guess this was it.

I guess this is where it ends.

All this shyness, is gone.

I guess, this was where I made a mark.

I pushed her onto the bed, leaping on top of her frame. My hands grasping her neck as if she disrespected every inch of me. This went along with a harsh, desperate kiss.

I heard a whimper, yet that didn't cross my mind at all. I could tell she was surprised with every bit of emotion rushing throughout her body in this moment. Mainly, I was focused on one thing.

“Nobody’s ever told me that before until I met you. You love me too damn much, that's one thing I fucking hate about you. I hate how you make me feel this way and don't let me do anything in return.” I spoke right in her ear, her pants in mine as a form of a response.

“Ryohei…” She sighed.

“I want you,” I demanded, finding my way down my belt buckle. “I want you to let me do everything.”

Her hands reached on my belt, supporting me with unbuckling. Crazy, it seemed like I had her wrapped around my finger.

Assertive, her hand went inside my pants.

Heart felt, the way I spoke in her ear.

Temptation, her hands trying not to go any further.

“I won't stop you at all.”

“Y/N…”

“Do it please, I promise I won't stop you.”

Her desperate hands found me in my boxers, exposing myself on her own. Her kisses deprived my lips again, this time with a sense of belonging to be submitted to me.

Her defeat, she wanted this from me all along.

So in my response...

Don't hold this back, let it out….

First, it was me losing myself in between her legs.

Her thighs were gripped with my cold hands as I kissed the lips of her deprived pussy, darting into her eyes while I licked her sensitive clit. She felt the exhilaration instantly, her hands lost in my hair as she whimpered for me to slow down and stop. Still, such a beautiful woman who doesn't know how hard-headed I can be.

"Fuck." She moaned, "Ryohei just like that, lick me like that."

I answered her demands, licking her til she would see stars while I had my free hand teasing the entrance of her hymen. Entreating her right, she kept trying to close her legs yet I retained them open with all my might.

"You're all in my mouth." I teased, "All in my mouth."

She winced, panting at my fingers fucking her, imitating what I had planned for in a moment. Her begs and cries, all in my ear like a siren luring in a sailor. She had me hypnotized.

"I've never been so jealous of fingers in my life." I teased once again, "Mama, why are you holding yourself back?"

"I-I'm not."

"No?"

"Y-Yeah."

"Why are you lying to me?" I spoke, inching myself up to her face. "Don't lie to me."

I then lost myself in her eyes, brushing her hair from her cheeks. Nobody said anything, just a swift grab from her back, switching positions that transitioned this moment.

Her warm skin was positioned on top of me as her hand latched on my chest while straining to place me inside her. Her eyes revealed all her lust, how she begged for me without even saying a word. Gradually, she consumed all of me. Songs in unison, allowing me to thrust deep inside her warmth. It was as if this was the last day we'd be together. Who would have known, I'd be the one in control of this.

“Hold my hands mama, let me help you.” I panted, observing her lustful face as her body fucked with mine. “Nobody can hear you let it out for me baby.”

“Don't say that Ryohei.” She moaned, tossing her head back.

“Why?” I conversed, “The way I'm talking to you, does it bother you?”

“You know exactly what you're doing.” She groaned, vigorously grinding herself to the profound thrusts I provided.

“Tell me then, what am I exactly doing then? Speak to me mama, tell me what I'm doing to you.” Overstimulated, her hands released mine and grasped on my neck. This encouragement I gave was gonna finish with something grand I persisted to myself. However, it seemed like even when this is finished. She's gonna want more.

My cold hands rushed to her nipples, caressing them with gentle squeezes. The evil giggles she made that were intended with lust filled my ears, moaning afterward when I brought her close for me to suck on.

“I want you on top.” She panted faintly.

“What did you say?” I questioned, slowing my strokes.

“Please,” She panted, “Get on top of me.”

My eyes dilated, soon switching positions. She looked so innocent, like a porcelain doll. So fragile if I were to even touch her, she’d break. My arms found themselves beside her head as she held the support placing me inside her again. Silk soft legs, trapping me around my waist as a so-called embrace.

“Is this a trap?”

“What are you gonna do if I say yes?”

Aggressive, I thrusted once. Her gasp left her lips however before getting just a slight exhale, I placed my index finger right inside her needy mouth. Creeping myself closer to her face, she was like a model, a sight of pure beauty to me. This was all mine.

All of her was mine...

All of mines, to ruin...

Sounds of sin, the aroma of sex, the sloppiest of kisses, the sensing of sweaty skin, all at once could be seen as a form of art. My hand went from her lips to fondling her chin as the other maintained my balance, compelling her to look directly into my eyes as I slowly stroked up the pace.

“You want it like this baby?” I moaned, observing her surrender her beautiful body to me. "Tell me your beautiful thoughts I promise it won't hurt to just tell me."

“I-I can’t,” She panted, straining to fuck me in unison. “Control me fuck, I feel like such a whore Ryohei I'm sorry-”

“No no, fuck me like a whore then, don’t be scared baby. Show me how much of whore you can be to me.” I encouraged her, leaving her to snatch my hand and kiss my fingers, slowly suckling them.

“Ruin me, ruin me.” she entreated. First my thumb, then my index finger along with my middle. She replicated what she would do to me, It was to a point where I could die right from how much of a slut I turned her into. Neediness overfilling her eyes as she wished for me to cum...

Was it bad that I faintly felt it?

“Ruin? Did I bother you too much hani? I'm sorry, that's all my fault. Isn't it?” I giggled, moaning afterward.

“Don’t apologize,” she panted, removing my damp hair that began to cover my eyes from the thrusting. “I love everything you’re doing to me.”

“I forgot to tell you how beautiful you looked today. Mama is this what you want from me?" I intended, my lips inches away from hers. "Yes, this is what you want, right? You want me to talk to you like this when I fuck you like this baby? Tell me I know you do." Brown profound eyes, darting right into her soul as she hesitates to choose which action to make, panting or moaning her heart out of the pleasurable feeling of me penetrating her swollen pussy. Her grip was so strong I couldn't help but moan to her embrace on it.

Her eyes were in such worry yet, smiling like a complete slut at my weakness. Her right hand on my neck, resisting herself to combust from me. “Keep talking like that and I swear I’ll cum all on you.”

“Do it, mark all the things that belong to you. Mark your territory baby, cum on my dick.” I intended, deepening my penetration to hit her where it hurts.

Her head was sunken into the pillow and her hand that existed on my neck soon felt her body. Rushing hands, all on her breast. Generously squeezing her nipple to the stimulation, god it was all my fault she acted this way with me. Her luscious lips were soon bitten. I could tell she was starting to feel her climax.

“I…I can’t…Ryohei…” She moaned, arching her back leaving me to slide my hand under. Obtaining her close, I departed subtle kisses on her neck down to her chest.

“Do everything on me. Like I said before, show me how much of a slut I turned you into.” I groaned, maneuvering my head to her deprived breasts, brushing her finger away to allow placement of my tongue on her nipples. Sucking passionately, I offered her soft bites to signify my admiration to her breast instead of just her pussy and her lips. And so, just when I thought this session would last for a while longer, I winced at myself gaining a strong sense of sensitivity. “Tell me where you want me to cum mama, give me what you want.”

She panted, “No, no don’t do it yet, please. I wanna keep going please, don’t stop Ryohei please.”

I awed, “I’m making you feel good, aren’t I? You want more of me huh?”

“S-Shut up.”

“Shut up? Mama think before you speak. You said you love everything I’m doing, right?” I taunted, pulling out of her. “You told me to ruin you, don’t take back anything.”

“R-Ryohei why did you-”

She found herself on top of me again, this time her eyes darting to the ceiling. My grip, so profound, and down on the stands of her hair, her back arched to the tension. Devouring, her needy pussy embracing my dick made my body rush with nerves. God, I’d loved to watch her fuck me if we placed mirrors on the ceiling. Observing her face full of pain from my thrusts, her perky nipples all alone likewise yet the hypnotic bouncing would be such a movie I’d reminisce every single fucking day.

“Lose yourself to me Y/N, let me be the only one to see you like this. I wanna be the only one to make you this filthy.”

The exertion she had was overwhelming mine, I felt depleted to where I lost grasp of her hair. She sensed me discharging, “Amor, please. Don’t stop please, let me help you.” She pleaded, going on all fours. “I need you.”

The minute she slid up, I directly jerked up from the sensation on my tip. Yet, she never left that spot. I worshiped every moment, her pussy fucking my tip knowing damn well she desired for me to cum.

“You want it inside you mama? Advise me.” I demanded, seizing her arms and bearing them back aggressively, gasping on her back. “Let me do it inside you, let me cum inside you.”

“Do it then Ryohei, let it out please.”

“Y/N, I'm starting to...W-Wait I feel it.”

My eyes latched, throwing my head back as I moaned as loud with all the strength I still had.

Yet, this feeling only grew stronger.

Grasping my hair, I couldn’t help to sustain my body from all this pleasure.

But, once I opened my eyes. Her beautiful eyes were met with mine, but her mouth was full of me.

“I thought…I thought I came inside you….” I huffed, wincing at her subtly licking me.

“You really did lose yourself." She giggled, following her tongue down my shaft.

“Fuck,” I huffed, “You're an evil woman y’know?”

“Yeah, you know I love you right?”

“Uh-huh”

Her tongue had found a home on my dick, licking my hardened tip as she motionlessly kept her gaze on me. “Good, I want you to remember that.” She grinned, spitting on it as she watched me jolt up again.

“Y-Y/N!?…” Whines, the pain yet pleasure filled my soul. Seizing her hair, I forcefully fucked myself into her filthy mouth for a moment. “That’s what you wanted huh? All of me in your mouth right like this?”

Her soft giggles flew in the air, “Yeah, it seems like you wanted it more than me.”

I soon hauled her up to my face, kissing her passionately as I released her from my grasp.

Once again, she got on top of me but soon began wrapping the covers on us. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I spoke, caressing her in my arms as I kissed her forehead. “God, you took everything outta me.”

As we snuggled in each other’s arms, it went silent. Taking in this void of quietness, my lips soon parted those soft, heavenly words of...

“Hani, I forgot to tell you once you got home...Happy Valentine’s Day.♥︎"

#aib arisu #alice in borderland #arisu ryohei #imawa no kuni no arisu #lumiz' works #alice in boderland x reader #aib x reader #aib smut #aib x you #smut #imawa no kuni no alice #female reader #aib imagines #kento yamazaki #hiatus #i havent posted in so long #arisu smut #lumizwrld #the weeknd #valentines day

[beansprean]

Nandor and Alexithymia

Ok so this is an attempt to organize a mess of thoughts I’ve been mulling over recently; appreciate anybody who reads the whole thing lol. My “he’s just like me fr” nandor dissertation.

So first things first - alexithymia is a symptom/trait that tends to appear for a lot of neurodivergent people, including myself, as well as those affected by emotional neglect/abuse or other related traumas. It involves "difficulties in identifying, describing, and processing one’s own feelings, often marked by a lack of understanding of the feelings of others, and difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal" (livingautism.com). For me, though I’m decently good at recognizing others’ emotional states when I’m paying attention, I have a lot of trouble categorizing my own. I have to rely on physical cues (am I smiling? Laughing? Crying? Is my heart beating fast?), mimicking others (if this happened to someone else, how would I expect them to feel? How do other people feel about this so I know what I’m feeling?), or past experience (this thing made me feel like this, so I must be feeling this now). The physical cues are less helpful than they sound, as the definition implies, because maybe my heart is pounding because I’m anxious, or excited, or I hate you, or I like you, or I’m afraid, or I just ran up some stairs. Maybe I’m crying because I’m sad. Or frustrated. Or angry. Or hungry? I literally cannot tell what my emotions are telling me most of the time, which makes communication and relationships extremely difficult to navigate. I don’t know if I enjoy talking to you. I don’t know if I enjoy this activity. I don’t know if I have a crush on you. Everything just feels like anxiety or apathy unless it’s already at 100%. One of the specific anxieties that I deal with in social situations as a result of this is not a fear that people won’t like me, but that I won’t like them. A new person approaches! They want to hang out/date! But oh no, I have no idea how I’m feeling about this person at this point. What if I don’t end up having fun? What if I dislike them and I don’t know why? What if they upset me and I don’t know why? How will I navigate breaking up with them? I’m consumed by the future possibility of being unable to interpret my emotional state and being unable to communicate or verbalize well enough to get out of the situation without acting like a jerk and hurting their feelings or ghosting them completely.

But this post isn’t just me ranting about my brokebrain, I wanna talk about NANDOR’S brokebrain. Some of you may be ahead of me.

Obviously we are all aware that Nandor is completely UNAWARE of his feelings a lot of the time; this is not news, I’m just pathologizing it lol. And not only does he have trouble expressing, identifying, and verbalizing his emotions or recognizing them in others, but...he's dead. He can't rely on physical reactions to help him out - his heart doesn't beat, his skin doesn't flush, he doesn't need to breathe, it's unclear if he can even shed tears! The past 700 years must have felt like endless apathy so much of the time - no wonder he gets depressed.

But it definitely makes sense to me that Nandor is affected by fairly severe alexithymia, and he would have trouble choosing between his wives or recalling the feelings he had for them or which one he really loved and what that felt like beyond just how unobtrusive their presence would be for his day to day routine. And at the same time it is clear to us that he wants nothing more than to hang with Guillermo and spend time with Guillermo and ensure he gives reasons for Guillermo to stick around - but he doesn't really recognize that himself. He becomes increasingly anxious and paranoid as his wedding to Marwa approaches, doesn't understand why he is so fixated on everything that could ruin it or stop it from happening, and projects those thoughts on everyone else around him. He assumes that everyone is conspiring to stop the wedding because he unknowingly wants people to give him reasons to back out. Guillermo confronts him with this, and Nandor can only verbalize that this is a big moment that is making him afraid. (Not to mention that he clearly was waiting for an objection from Guillermo which Guillermo consistently refused to give despite seemingly agreeing with Nadja's. And the whole expecting Guillermo to be jealous and confused/disappointed when he wasn't?? Honey.)

Yet, we also know from the "I like what he likes" wish that Nandor DOES want this wedding to happen. He wants to be married, he wants steady companionship, he wants to tie himself to someone and say "look, look, someone loves me! I am never alone!" Yet immediately after the wedding he balks at turning her and making the marriage "eternal". He is already bored of what he has turned her into and confused why he isn't enjoying the company of someone who will stay by his side and never argue or disagree with him or expect an emotional intimacy from him he can't give. Isn't that what he wanted? Why didn't this fix him? Why is everything still so dull?

(slight tangent on the "I like what he likes" wish honestly what a fuckin DREAM I wish I had a second person who could project my emotions/preferences for me so I could recognize them... I wish they had played around with that for a few more episodes, the comedic potential alone has sustained me for so long...)

He sees Guillermo and Freddie, feels Something, but doesn’t understand what. Discomfort? Longing? Anxiety? Lots of options we as an audience can assume or interpret, but I think we can all agree it's more complicated than just Nandor falling in love at first sight as he assumes. Nandor DOES experience passing infatuations fairly frequently - an intense blaze of emotion he interprets as love and obsesses over, pushing quickly for commitment because he believes that tying himself to someone will solidify those feelings forever. He has to act quick before they fade!

So back to Freddie, Nandor is: 1. Confused by Freddie's presence and unusually pushy about following them around and getting details about their relationship, 2. Genuinely charmed by Freddie's loser white boy swag and interest in artefacts from his home country, 3. Kept up all night by thoughts about Freddie, and 4. Able to recognize that outright stealing him would be a bad move because it would probably make Guillermo upset. Round of applause for #4, good job Nandy.

But, like with the wedding, is he just projecting? Assuming? He knows he feels something strong - an intense blaze of emotion and obsession he associates with his past relationships - and he comes to the conclusion that being with Freddie is what will finally make him happy. Might he actually be feeling misplaced jealousy because he's in love with Guillermo? Or because he sees Guillermo happy in a relationship for the first time and wants that feeling for himself? Or subconsciously sees this as another way to tie Guillermo to him and ensure he can't have a life outside of Nandor? All of these are valid. Nandor certainly doesn't know.

The last point I want to make in this messy ramble of a post is this: what if, in addition to worrying that turning Guillermo into a vampire will set him free from any bonds or obligations to Nandor and he will leave, Nandor is worried HE won't like Guillermo anymore if he is a vampire? And then what?? People change when they...change. He did.

#wwdits #nandermo #nandor the relentless #wwdits speculation #wwdits meta #alexithymia #not art

[ecoamerica]

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[ka0ila]

| Smoke Break

warnings - depression, smoking, angst, hurt, argument, sensitive topics, suicide attempt(lmk if theres more)

summary - you and seungmin had a messy argument, you thought you’d just take a small smoke break, but was it just a smoke break?

pairing - roommate!seungmin x depressed!reader

• m.list

© Ka0ila 2023 — all rights reserved. i do not allow translations, or any kind of distribution on other platforms. this is my only account.

i tried. i really, really tried.

i really tried to be better, not for me but for him.

i really tried believing everything will be merry if i just worked hard, i did.

but i’m breaking, breaking down pieces by pieces each day, hurting everyone around me, looking at all the disappointed faces.

i really tried, really tried be someone he’d want.

someone mature, successful, peaceful to be with.

but me? i’m depressed, struggling, and draining to be with.

he left 5 days ago for his business trip to Paris, leaving the house to me. i came back from work the day before he’s gonna arrive and find a messy apartment to myself. i sigh keeping my bag putting my hands on my face huffing.

i need to clean this, i can’t give him more reasons to hate me.

i had really fallen in love, but i know if i ever end up having him, i’ll completely ruin him. i can’t have anyone stay, i have no promises to make, i can’t even promise myself.

i pick up the pair of socks on the ground, followed by my old shirt and slowly steadily started cleaning the place.

i never really smoke at him, i don’t want him to know i smoke, it’s disgusting, but i’m so into it i can’t get out. a small smoke break won’t hurt? right?

i made my way to the balcony, mesmerised by the beauty of the skyscrapers and apartments. i always found myself coming back to new york. always. for some reason i always end up here, and i don’t hate it. i love this city truly, but i hate the memories attached to it. looking at a couple walking down the road i take a puff.

A second one wouldn’t hurt right? second became third, third became fourth, fourth became fifth, there was nothing to stop me, nobody to care for, no fear to get caught, then why stop?

“(y/n)?” i flinched, seungmin? but he wasn’t coming till tomorrow?

i hurriedly throw my cigarette out,

“seungmin? you’re early.” i try to act normal as a puff came out of my mouth.

“you’re smoking?” he frowned, it felt as if he was taunting. i didn’t say anything, words betrayed me, i stood there still.

“do whatever but not in my apartment.” he said scoffing. why was he being so mean? oh so he didn’t care at all? his apartment?

it hurt my ego, and i let it get the best of me.

“your apartment seungmin? where you are rarely in? sure. I will smoke wherever i want seungmin” i mock. he was staring at me, disappointed?

“i have work (y/n) , not like you— fuck why am i even arguing with you? you’re just an useless roommate who can’t keep the apartment clean for 5 fucking days or have the decency to not smoke in the apartment.” he leaves.

i stare, stare and stare blanky. i freeze at his words, but i was really trying, i really was. i stood still, processing.

i felt something on my hand, water? was i crying?

i slowly walk towards my room’s bathroom, a cold shower bath would really help right now.

as i was laying in the bathtub, i go down and down, slowly, and i didn’t protest, i let it happen, i look at the ceiling, did i really want this? to live like this? fake hopes? pain? temporary happiness?

i said alot to her, i couldve handled it differently, fuck. i heard her open her room’s door, i saw her walk into the bathroom through the door creak. i should probably give her some space, fuck i felt guilty. i knew she wasn’t doing good lately and used it against her? thats not who i am i wanted to look upto me, to be safe with me.

time passed, i was growing anxious, was isn’t she coming out? it’s been 45 minutes, it’s worrying me. she always took quick baths, why is she still there. something inside me, an instinct, a voice forced me to go into the bathroom, it told me something’s wrong, i knew it.

“(y/n)? (Y/N)” she was deep inside the water, eyes closed, fuck fuck, hearing my voice she got up gasping for air.

she tried.. drowning herself?

“what the fuck are you doing?” i put my hand on her back to support her get up, she was crying, her eyes were red,

“i swear it wasn’t intentional i couldn’t.. i couldn’t stop it seungmin, i swear please” she was holding my hands, begging, whimpering and crying,

my eyes fall on her dark circles, then her sad eyes, then her dry lips, she lost weight? how did i never notice?

“it’s okay, it’s okay i’m here baby, it’s okay”

i pat her head slowly taking her in my embrace, kissing her forehead time to time, “it’s okay, i’m not mad, i know you didn’t mean it, you’ll be okay”

“let’s get you out of here, hm? let’s get you on the bed”

she looked so tired, so weak.

i pick her up and lay her down on her bed, dressing her up in fresh clothes. I lay beside her, gently caressing her forehead and hair, looking at her sleeping face. i place a small kiss on her nose,

“i love you seungmin” she mumbled in her sleep as she nuzzles into my neck,

“i’ve always loved you (y/n)” i said as i rest my chin on top of her head, soothing her hair.

posted after a while haha, felt like writing, getting it out lol, sort of a rant—? hehe.

likes & reposts are appreciated <33

#skz #skz fanfic #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz chan fluff #skz felix #skz fluff #skz han #skz hyunjin #skz icons #skz angst #skz seungmin #seungmin angst #straykids angst #seungmin x reader #kim seungmin #seungmin comfort #angst #hurt #straykids #straykids seugmin #straykids imagine #straykids scenario #seungmin imagine #cry for help lolol jk #Spotify

[whumpshaped]

tw shitty parent (mom), ableism, lashing out, pet whump, conditioned whumpee, misplaced anger

Whumpee moved without thinking, taking the jar of apricot jam from the shelf to open it for their master. It was nothing but a simple act of mindless servitude, an attempt at making their master’s life as easy as possible — and that innocent intent was the exact reason why the punch felt so out of the blue, and why they made no move to defend themself.

They stumbled back, whimpering like a kicked dog, almost thankful when Whumper snatched the jar from their hands before they could drop it. “Fucking idiot,” Whumper grumbled, and Whumpee ducked their head in shame and fear. “As if I can’t open a fucking jar myself.”

That made a small, almost proud part of their pet brain perk up. That wasn’t even remotely the reason they wanted to do it. Of course Whumper could open a jar. It would’ve been silly to assume otherwise. They just wanted to be a good pet!

“I just wanted to help,” they said timidly as Whumper went to sit down, steadying the jar between their thighs before unscrewing the lid with their intact hand, so forcefully that it almost made Whumpee flinch.

“I don’t need your goddamn help!” they snapped, slamming the lid on the table. This time, Whumpee did flinch. “I can open a fucking jar on my own!”

Whumpee dropped to their knees, terrified of making their owner any angrier. “I understand,” they squeaked. “I know, I understand, I– I understand. Master doesn’t need the stupid pet, Master doesn’t need the stupid pet’s help. I’m grateful for whatever you allow me to do for you, Master. I’m so sorry I overstepped.”

They knelt there, trembling, waiting for a verdict for what seemed like an eternity to their anxious mind. They heard the thump of the full jar being placed on the table, then Whumper’s heavy sigh.

“Whatever,” they said eventually. “Guess I’ve been in a bad mood lately.”

They didn’t move, not wanting to interrupt in case Whumper chose to share more. And they did; within a few seconds, the words just came tumbling out of them.

“Mom keeps pestering me about the ‘new and improved technology’, and how I should give it another go, because this time it’ll work, it’ll be just like I’d always had a ‘nice, healthy arm’. Because that’s so important. Because my arm isn’t nice or healthy now. Fuck, I can’t believe I still try to talk to her on the phone… Every single time I think it won’t be that bad. Maybe this is how she feels about the doctors.”

Whumpee cautiously looked up at them, heartbroken to see the sheer bitterness on Whumper’s face. “But why?” they asked quietly, frowning. “You don’t… want it. The last time– the last time you said it hurt–”

“She wants it.” They held out their hand, and Whumpee quickly crawled closer, immediately soothed by their master’s fingers in their hair as they started petting them. “Guess she just fucking hates looking at me. But she’s shit out of luck, pet. I don’t care anymore. She can shove the miracle prosthesis up her ass.”

“I’m sorry she’s bothering you, Master.”

Whumper sighed again, nowhere near as dramatically as that first time. “What’re you gonna do… I didn’t mean to punch you, by the way. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Whumpee nuzzled against their hand. “Is the pet allowed to make toast for Master, then?”

“Yeah. Maybe the pet is the only one allowed to make toast for Master.”

#asks #whump #whump drabble #lashing out #pet whump #conditioned whumpee #misplaced anger

[piakae]

not disappointed ☆— c. soobin

synopsis ➔ you don’t want to go to a royal party, soobin understands.

pairing ➔ prince!soobin x princess!fem!reader

genre ➔ fluff, comfort, royal!au

word count ➔ tba.

warnings ➔ spelling mistakes ???

i can barely breathe and i am hideous. it’s soobin’s favourite colours, red and gold, but it pales me, and i feel as though i am stuck in a tight box and expected to enjoy it. i try to convince myself that it will be over in a few hours, the party, the talking, and that soobin will be there to comfort me. but it doesn’t work.

i stand in front of the mirror, piercing myself with my own insecure and uncomfortable stare.

he enters my room, closing the door carefully and turning towards me before smiling uncontrollably. it makes me jealous and even sad. his eyes crinkle and he lets out a sigh,

“you are beautiful.”

he has this way of words that make would my stomach curl and twist and bend until it’s misshaped, if it didn’t already feel this way from the tightness of the delicate yet strong corset. i smile nevertheless, making eye-contact with him through the mirror.

soobin looks fantastic. he’s clad with red and gold fabrics with tiny intricate details that only the creative would notice. his figure is intelligently shown off with a juxtaposed regality that only he could hold. his hair is fixed to only show the left side of his forehead, the rest pushed back –except for one stray, which i will push back later.

he approaches me and presses a kiss to my neck, hands laying on my waist careful not to disturb the beautiful dress i’m adorned in. though i wish he did disturb. i wish he ripped it off me, and not for lustful reasons, but for the simple reason of that i was utterly and uncontrollably uncomfortable. the back of the golden buttons dug into my flesh, the gorgeous corset felt as if it was breaking my bottom ribs, and the colour paled me, i looked sick. i did not look beautiful, nor feel it. that’s why i didn’t reply to his compliment, instead turning into his body heat for comfort and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

“are you ready to leave, darling?” he asks, a caring, small smile displayed on his face, before it suddenly disappears. the insecurity has over taken me and i turn from him expecting him to realise my makeup was unsettling, my dress unappealing, or my face weaker. “what’s wrong? you don’t seem like yourself.” soobin asks, following my body with his hands.

i only turn my head, and nearly crumble at the sigh of his obvious concern that’s ruining his perfect visuals. uncertainty pushes my gaze away and causes my fingers to play with a top layer of crimson silk. i look back at myself in the mirror, avoiding soobin‘s stare, and realise it’s not only the dress that’s turning me away from this seemingly enjoyable party. i feel sick, i’m tired and anxious. i have never been the party type, but i faked it to make my parents and friends happy, to make h/n happy. i have never once turned down a ceremony or party.

“you don’t want to go?” he says, lowly. and i cannot lie, so i stay silent. “why didn’t you tell me?”

“i do want to go. i do… it’s just…” i turn to him, shoulders slumped, “i don’t know.”

“do you feel sick?” he asks, coming closer as i shrug. “don’t lie to me, y/n. if you don’t want to attend then we will not. it’s not a big deal.” he grabs my hands and leads me to sit down on my plush vanity chair. “we can lay down and talk, you can get out of the dress you obviously hate,” i give him a look, “yes, i could tell. and we can stay home.” he reassures me with his signature smile and i can’t resist to mirror it. i nod, searching for some kind of disappointment in his eyes. i frown when i find some.

“you are disappointed in me. you do not have to stay home, you can go to the party - i’m perfectly capable to stay home - or i will just go to the party. i truly don’t mind-“

“i’m not disappointed that you don’t want to go to the party. i’m disappointed that you’d lie to me, that you’d sacrifice your own comfortability for my personal enjoyment. don’t get me wrong, you look gorgeous right now, but you obviously don’t feel it.” my eyes well with tears, he continues, “now go take off the makeup and the dress, i’ll go make tea.” soobin smiles, kisses me on the cheek with tenderness and love, and exits the room to leave me in a happy, love sick mess.

tags — @i520cm @raevyng @enhacolor

a/n — royal au’s have my heart

#txt #txt imagine #txt x reader #txt drabble #soobin #choi soobin #soobin x reader #soobin fluff #txt fluff #soobin x y/n #tomorrow by together #kpop #fanfiction #kpop fanfic #fluff #txt fanfiction #txt post #original #royal!au #soobin royal!au #soobin comfort #txt comfort fics

[rizlowwritessortof]

Worth It

This was written for @stusbunker Stu's Sinema Challenge. My Deadly Sin was Envy, quote is in bold in the fic.

Of course Dean doesn't mind if you go hang out with some guy you knew in your civilian life. You know, the kind of life he never had. It's fine.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 4,174

Warnings: Smut, Oral (male & female receiving), swearing - you know, the usual 😊

The air is thick with the smell of sweat, blood and death. You, Sam and Dean are back to back to back in the middle of the room, most of the nest lying scattered around you. Dean lunges forward and slices another vamp across the chest, then swings his machete in a hard downward stroke, taking the monster’s head and sending it rolling across the floor.

He turns as you take on the last one standing. The furious creature hisses, running at you, and Dean watches in admiration as you whirl and slash in a graceful, macabre dance of blade and blood, sending the undead thing to Purgatory. “Fuck me, nice move,” he says, and you turn, wiping a smear of blood from your cheek.

“Thanks!” you answer with a bright smile. Dean’s stare is like a physical touch, and your smile slowly fades, something primitive crackling in the air between you. Then Sam speaks and the spell is broken.

“You got the last one, I guess Dean’s buying!” he laughs, and Dean huffs as he turns to wipe the blade of his machete on a bale of hay.

“I don’t know why I bet with you,” he grumbles, and you laugh.

“Hey, it was your idea, champ.” You grin even wider at his grumpiness, digging a little more. “I’m feeling really thirsty, too.”

His lips twitch as he smothers a smile, reluctant to give in that easily. “Yeah, yeah. I pay my bets. Let’s burn this dump and get outta here. I could use a beer or six myself.”

You hit your room almost running, anxious to get showered and hit the bar, conveniently located right across the two-lane highway from your motel. You feel alive, a buzzing just beneath your skin - adrenaline and something else, something that’s making you feel a little reckless. You push down the memory of Dean’s expression back in the barn, staring at you like he was just as hungry as those vamps. That’s something you don’t allow yourself to think about, so you focus on the night ahead, hoping there will be some pretty local boy in that place who’s in the mood to get lucky. And who hopefully has the skills to make you get lucky.

The three of you walk into the local dive together, eyes adjusting quickly to the dim, cloudy lighting. Dean heads to the bar to grab some beers as you and Sam stake out a table, waiting for the night’s benefactor to return with the reward for your victory.

He’s smiling as he arrives, handing you an icy longneck with an exaggerated bow and holding his out as you all toast together. “Hate to admit it, but that last move of yours – you deserved to win. This time.”

“Awwww… thanks, you big teddy bear, you.”

“All right, all right,” he grumbles, but he’s smiling and you know he likes it when you call him sweet names, even if he’d never admit it.

Sam is staring towards the bar, and you turn to look. “Oh, Sammy – bartender’s kinda cute, and she’s looking at you!” you tease, and he blushes a little, his dimples flashing as he shakes his head with a grin.

“Shut up, half-pint.”

“Want me to introduce you?” Dean jabs at his brother, and Sam rolls his eyes.

“No. Both of you, get drunk and stupid and do what you do, I can take care of my own shit.” He grabs his beer and heads for the bar, taking a seat and striking up a conversation with the cute brunette.

“Kind of dead in here. Wanna shoot some pool? Maybe you can win something tonight!” You head for the back of the room, Dean following you with a smirk.

“Gloat away, smartass – I’d love to teach you a lesson.”

The two of you play a couple of games, exchanging snarky comments and sexual innuendos as usual accompanied by laughter and more beer. Around 9 pm a small group of guys walk in, and you glance up, followed by an ‘Oh, my god… I don’t believe it.”

“What?” Dean asked, taking his shot, standing when he finishes to look towards where your stare is aimed.

“I know those guys. Well, a couple of them.”

“Oh, yeah – you grew up around here somewhere, didn’t you?”

“I went to high school a couple of towns over. Still, never thought I’d see anybody I knew. I’m gonna go over and say hi. You don’t mind, do you?”

Dean shrugs, shaking his head, turning his attention back to the pool table, one eye on you as you approach the group of twenty-somethings. Of course he doesn’t mind, why should he mind? That self-destructive, uncomfortable feeling is kicking up in his gut, the one that whispers that he doesn’t fit in, that he’s a freak who will never have anything those kind of people have and take for granted. He’s lived with it for years, every time Dad moved him and Sam to a new town, a new school. The armor he’s always worn - the snarky, smart-ass attitude, the I-don’t-give-a-shit bad boy persona – that was its origin, developed and thickened like a scar to keep that fucking feeling from overwhelming him. It’s never so bad when he has backup, which is usually you and Sam, but Sam is busy flirting with the bartender and now you’re talking and laughing with the locals. Guys who got to grow up like normal kids, go to high school, take girls out to movies and proms, have family dinners and vacations. And what makes it all worse is that he tells himself, tells Sam, that the kind of life people like that live would drive him crazy – but the truth is, deep down, that’s what he’s always wished for.

Dean watches as Sam catches his eye with a little wave. He’s on his way out with that cute little brunette, and Dean nods in reply. Guess he’ll be sleeping in the car tonight. He thinks about finishing his beer and leaving, too – instead of watching you flirt and laugh with the normals, probably hook up with one. He thinks about taking Baby and going for a drive, parking out in the country somewhere to sleep so he doesn’t have to see who you bring back to your room with you.

Where the hell did that come from? Not like the two of you have ever even thought about hooking up. Ok, that’s a fucking lie, he thinks about it all the time – just has never allowed himself to actually make a move. Besides, he knows how it would end up. Like things always end up for him. But tonight, watching you with those guys – it’s hitting harder than usual.

The sound of your laughter makes him clench his teeth, and he clears the pool table with a series of forceful shots, one right after the other. An older man comes strolling over to challenge him, and Dean accepts, telling him to rack ‘em up as he grabs another drink. He does a shot of whiskey before taking his beer back to the table. Ok, might as well make a little money, pay for the drinks and maybe make a little gas money. It has nothing to do with keeping an eye on you. He ignores the voice inside him that tells him he’s full of shit.

You’re really enjoying yourself, laughing and talking, reminiscing about high school (which is the last time you saw these guys). Kurt, the one you really remember, is looking good, and apparently the feeling is mutual – he keeps touching you, hand on your shoulder, brushing your hair back, occasionally slipping an arm around your waist. You actually dated him a few times, and you’ve had enough beer and tequila shooters that your edges are softening and your walls are a little wobbly. After all, you were kind of looking to blow off some steam tonight, right?

You glance over at Dean when a little pang of guilt digs at you, but he’s focused on beating some guy at a game of pool, so you push it down and turn back to Kurt. His two buddies are restless, no other prospects for them to focus on. They all head for the bathroom in the back, and you order another beer, letting your eyes wander back towards Dean. He’s heading that direction, too, so you lean back on the bar and nurse your drink. Just want enough to keep the buzz going, keep that pleasant, blurry, happy glow.

You watch Dean come back into the bar, his face stormy. He doesn’t even glance your direction, and you wonder what’s going on with him. He’s probably pissed that you ditched him for some local dude, but you’re allowed to have some fun, right? I mean, you guys can hang out anytime.

Kurt comes back, his buddies vaguely mumbling ‘nice to see you’ and ‘catch you later’ as they head out for greener pastures. Kurt’s staying, so you smile, and he leans in to kiss you as he waits for his beer. It’s nice, not earth-shattering, but beggars can’t be choosers, and you’re to the point of settling in for the night. He’s cute, and he’s obviously interested, and it’s better than the vibrator in your bag at the motel, right? You tell him you’re heading for the little girls’ room, and he kisses you again, letting his hand roam a little, down over your hip, a little squeeze. You leave him with a little smirk, walking to the back hall and into the bathroom.

You wash up, check your hair, decide you don’t look bad for being half wasted, and head out. Dean is standing there, one shoulder propped against the wall by the door. “You know he’s a piece of shit, right?”

You roll your eyes. “You always think any guy I’m with is a piece of shit, Dean.”

He has his mouth held all tight, those little dimples above the corners of his mouth prominent. “Yeah, well, he really is. You didn’t hear him in the bathroom before telling his douchebag friends how he was gonna be balls deep inside you by midnight.”

You glare back at him, instantly pissed off. At Kurt, for being that guy, and at Dean for pointing it out. “Yeah, well, maybe that’s right where I want him.”

Before you can blink, your back is against the wall and Dean’s lips are crushed to yours, his hands gripping your arms hard enough to leave bruises. Your body betrays you, your brain shuts down, and for a few seconds you respond to his touch, the feel of his hard body pressing you into the wall, his lips at once soft and demanding. When you breathe again, your temper flares and you shove him hard, forcing him a step back as your eyes fire lasers at him. “What the fuck, Dean?”

“He doesn’t even know you. He has no idea what you’ve been through, who you are now. He doesn’t deserve to be with you.”

You are even more pissed off when you feel tears stinging your eyes. “First of all, not planning to marry him and have his children. Second of all – none of your goddamn business.” You turn on your heel and leave him standing there, heading out to the bar, reaching for your beer and draining it in one go. You order another, ignoring Kurt’s questions about what’s wrong. “I’m fine. Where were we?” you say, refusing to watch as Dean drops a wad of bills on the bar to pay the tab and stalks towards the door, which closes with a slam as he leaves.

Kurt tries valiantly to get your mood back to where it was before you left the room, you’ll give him an A for effort. But you finally have enough and turn to face him with a tight smile. “Sorry, Kurt, I’m gonna have to take off. Great to see you again.”

“Awww, don’t go. I was hoping…”

“To be balls deep inside me by midnight? Yeah, I heard.” You pat your hand firmly against his chest. “It’s okay, I’m sure you’re more than capable of taking care of that little problem yourself. You’ve probably had a lot of practice. See ya.” You head for the door and don’t look back to see the look on his face, but you can imagine it clearly. You smother a smile as you leave the bar, but it completely fades when you look across the way and see Dean leaning against the Impala, his head tipped back as he drinks from his flask.

“Oh, well – fuck it,” you mutter, squaring your shoulders and striding across the asphalt to reach the parking lot. Dean looks up as your boots crunch in the gravel, then looks back down, avoiding your eyes.

“Where’s the used-to-be frat boy,” he asks as you stop in front of him.

“Licking his wounds, I imagine.” He looks up, wanting to ask, but keeps his mouth clamped shut. “Come on, we need to talk,” you say as you walk to the door of your room and unlock it.

“About what?”

You turn and glare at him. “Just get your ass in here. Please.”

The frown on his brow would intimidate most people, but you’re used to it. He finally scuffs his feet around a little and reluctantly trudges towards you, shouldering his way through the door and crossing the room. He leans against the wall near the bathroom door, arms folded across his chest and his ankles crossed, those dimples showing the level of his displeasure.

You close the door and lock it, tossing the key card onto the table as you approach him and stop directly in front of him, staring into his defiant eyes. “Well, go ahead. Tear me a new one,” he bites out.

Instead, you step closer, place your palm against his chest and lean up, your head tilting a little to the side as your lips land on his, nibbling and nipping at that tempting bottom lip. You feel his chest tense up, and you draw back a little, meeting his wary gaze. “What… uh… are you doing?”

“You started this… you will forgive me if I finish it,” you manage, your voice raspy with restrained want as you kiss him again. His arms drop to his sides, and for a second or two he is still, as if he’s afraid to move, afraid he’ll make you shy away. When your tongue teases at his lips, he moves so suddenly that your heart trips up in your chest. He scoops you up, hands behind your thighs, perching you at his waist as he turns to hold you against the wall and return your kiss with a quiet desperation that makes you clutch him tight, your arms around his neck.

He kisses you like it’s what keeps him alive, savoring you, every glide of his tongue against yours a languid, thoughtful caress, and his lips are pure heaven, just like you’ve imagined a hundred times. His fingers are kneading rhythmically at your waist, his hips rocking into you slightly, and you adjust your position so his growing erection is hitting just the right spot, forcing a low moan from you both.

You break apart for a moment, both of you panting for air, and he buries his face in your neck, your name a rough whisper in your ear as he nibbles at your soft skin. You buck against him, your need a raging fire, your voice a desperate whine. “Dean, need you…”

“You got me,” he rumbles, kissing you again, fierce and ravenous, then turning to let your feet slide to the floor. You shove impatiently at his t-shirt, and the corner of his mouth quirks up in a little smirk as he complies, pulling it over his head and dropping it to the floor. He reaches for yours, watching your face as he begins to lift it, waiting for your eyes to tell him to continue before he pulls it off. His eyes are hungry as you unclasp your bra, letting it fall before reaching for him, your breasts crushed to his warm chest as your lips crash together again.

You finally push back, your eyes drifting shut for a moment as he brushes his fingers across your nipple. You reach for his jeans, opening the zipper and looking up at him as his jaw tics, his teeth clenched as you touch his heated skin. “Better get those boots off, yeah?” you smile, and he grins.

You both sit on the end of the bed, boots and socks flung out of the way, and before you can stand back up, he pushes you back on the bed and opens your jeans, tugging them down and bending to kiss your belly button, making you giggle. He works them down your legs, then goes after your panties, his tongue darting out over his lips as he finishes removing the last barrier. Your eyes are riveted to the bulge in his boxer briefs, his jeans barely hanging on to his hips, and you literally feel your mouth water and your pussy clench.

He drops to his knees and kisses his way slowly up the length of your legs, finally reaching the apex and dropping a gentle kiss to your mound. “Can I?” he asks, and you hear the want in his voice. You nod with a little whine, your head dropping back as he nuzzles his face between your thighs, rubbing his nose over your clit. The first sweep of his tongue through your folds punches a moan from your throat, and he responds, sending a delicious vibration over your sensitive flesh. He’s nudging and nibbling, driving you insane, finally spearing his tongue deep inside you as he moans again at your flavor.

He explores you thoroughly until you’re squirming beneath the onslaught, and you gasp as he slides a pair of those thick, calloused fingers inside you, stroking, curling. You’re on the edge already, and when he moves up to suck your clit into the warmth of his mouth, you buck up into him and come.

“Fuck, Deeean!” He keeps you at the peak of pleasure until you are begging him to stop, and he finally backs off, gently cleaning you with wide swipes of his tongue. He rubs a hand over his face, looking very satisfied with himself as he begins to stand, and you glare at him playfully, breathing hard. “Pants off, mister, and get your perky ass up here.”

“Perky? Really?” he says a little sarcastically, but he’s smiling.

“It is perky, and I want to see it naked.” He complies, an extra little wiggle as he finishes, and you laugh. “Get up here, Magic Mike.” You’ve moved yourself up to lie on the pillows, your breath catching in your throat for a second as he turns to walk towards the bed. Your imagination doesn’t hold a candle to the reality, and you take a breathless moment to appreciate him as he approaches, his cock proud and bobbing slightly as he moves. “Wait – side pocket of my bag, condoms…” you manage to say, and he turns to where your duffle sits on the chair in the corner.

He digs a little, then turns with a naughty smirk and raised eyebrow, your purple vibrator in his hand. You can’t help but laugh again at his expression, and he grins. “Another time maybe.” He puts it back, finding the original target and tossing the foil packet at you as he climbs onto the bed.

“Lay back – my turn to play,” you say, and move to let him settle himself in the middle of the bed, watching as you move down between his legs, his eyes glowing with anticipation. His stomach muscles jump as you reach for him, your fingers gently petting his erection, hot and hard and soft as velvet beneath your touch. He exhales harshly, his jaw working as he watches, swearing as you lean down to smother his cock with your breasts, your neck bent so you can run your tongue over the head.

“Jesus! Fff-uuuuuuck…” His hands are clawing into the bedding, the sexiest noises you’ve ever heard being punched from his chest as you suck the tip into your mouth, one hand squeezing at the tense, hard muscle of his thigh. You lift your body so you can bend and take him in deeper, pushing yourself to your limit, working him with your tongue and sucking hard as you pull back up. You do it again, and then once more, finally pulling off completely with a tease of your tongue into the slit. His chest is heaving with the effort of holding back, and when you tear open the packet, he reaches for your hand, shaking his head. “No… no, let me, I can’t...”

You hand it to him, watching as he grips the base of his cock, squeezing, his eyes clenched shut as he backs off the urge to come. It’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, and you can barely hold still, your cunt pulsing, impatient to be filled. Finally he blows out a breath, taking the condom out and rolling it over his length. You climb up over him, attacking his lips as he clutches at your breast, and your sigh mingles with his moan as you lick into his mouth hungrily.

You can’t take it any longer, raising up to reach for him, guiding him to your entrance, mouth open in a silent cry as you slowly take him in. There’s fire in his eyes as he watches you, his gaze moving from your face to where you are joined and back again. You whimper as he fills you completely, piercing the deepest part of you, and you bite at your lip as you savor the sensation of your body shifting, molding itself around him.

Dean reaches to run his hands over the soft skin of your thighs, squeezing gently. “C’mere, baby,” he whispers, and you lower yourself back down to kiss him. “You feel so damn good,” he murmurs against your lips, and you hum in response, grinding down against him.

“Mmmmm, so do you.” You begin to move, rocking against him, the delicious friction on your clit making you moan. Soon you want more, and you reluctantly abandon Dean’s lips to raise up so you can ride him for real. His fingers dig into your hips as he helps you move, and each time you drop down to take him deep it forces a muffled cry from you. You fuck him until your legs are burning, right at the edge, almost desperate.

Dean sits up, one hand holding you tight against him as he puts the other down between you to rub at your clit, a low groan in his throat as your pussy clenches around him. “Come for me, and I’ll roll you over and fuck you so hard,” he promises. You’re begging now, ‘please’ and ‘Dean’ and swearing, gritting your teeth, and when he leans close to your ear, growling, “Give it to me,” you do. You barely recognize yourself in the sound that bursts from you as blinding ecstasy floods through you, and Dean grunts as your cunt seizes around him with a vicious squeeze.

You’re still riding the wave of your orgasm when he manhandles you, flipping you to your back and seamlessly driving back inside you. You clamp your legs around him, hips rising to meet every thrust as he hits a fast, furious rhythm, his arms caging your body and his face buried in your neck. You’re shaking, fingers tearing at the bed, shouting as he hits his peak and bites down on the slope of your neck. “Fuck!” You feel his cock pulsing as he comes, and it makes you shudder, your muscles seizing up again for a moment before you go completely limp beneath him.

He relaxes slowly, his body heavy and warm on top of yours, his lips and tongue soothing the bite before he goes motionless. You both lie there, chests heaving together, riding out aftershocks with soft little whimpers and moans. He finally moves, pulling out of you, sending a hard shudder through your body, and he laughs softly, making you smile. He rolls to his back, ridding himself of the condom before turning back to pull you close.

For a while there are slow, lazy kisses and roaming hands, and then he turns to his back again, cradling you against his side, your head tucked into his shoulder. His last thought as he dozes off is that maybe he doesn’t have a normal life. But what he has, right now? Worth it.

Tags for my lovelies:  @saenalife    @deanscarlett    @jensensgotyoudean    @jinkieswouldyoulookatthis    @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog    @geeklibrarian    @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid      @mrswhozeewhatsis    @littlegreenplasticsoldier    @sleep-silent-angel    @darcia22    @winchesterprincessbride    @ellen-reincarnated1967    @eyes-of-a-disney-princess      @deanslittleangel2y5    @melanie451        @spectaculacular-sammy     @bookchic20    @jodyri    @selma-jean-blog           @savingapplepie-eatingthings    @kittenofdoomage    @masked-maiden42    @lean-mean-deanwinchester    @ericuhlorain    @undecided-garden    @ceeceewinchester    @typicalweirdbookworm          @callmesweetheartifyoumeanit    @youtoldalie    @tanithlowisabamf-blog    @deandoesthingstome    @jxackles    @nerdwholikesword    @soivebuiltupaworldofmagic    @kreweofimp  @gabavaldman    @chaos-and-the-calm67-blog    @darkx143    @disassociativedogma    @ioanashalala    @jencharlan    @deansthirstblog     @dorky-and-i-know-it    @mischief-maker1    @winchestersandwordprocessors    @percussiongirl2017    @bringmesomepie56   @akshi8278    @torn-and-frayed    @sandlee44   @wingedcatninja  @evansrogerskitten   @emoryhemsworth  @peaceinourtime82  @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior  @sarcasmqueen74   @maliburenee     @mrsjenniferwinchester   @yeehawbitchs   @emily-winchester  @hobby27

#worth it #stu's sinema challenge #dean fic #dean x reader #dean smut