#i dont know why i thought of that memory but it came REALLY VIVIDLY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pesterloglog · 4 months

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Jade Harley, Calliope

Act 6, page 7059-7097

JADE: im starting to remember the things she told me so vividly now

JADE: its amazing what a creative project can do to get your mind turning

CALLIOPE: ^u^

CALLIOPE: what shall i draw first?

JADE: the land of wind and shade!

JADE: that is where the story starts

CALLIOPE: i see.

CALLIOPE: which story, exactly?

CALLIOPE: her story, or yoUrs?

JADE: hmmm

JADE: both, as a matter of fact

JADE: my story began with a tragedy on lowas, which led to meeting her in the first place

JADE: and then, she used my memory of that tragedy as a starting point for her story, which turned out to be related

CALLIOPE: ooh, fascinating!

CALLIOPE: (i love stories)

JADE: (i know)

JADE: ill start with mine, since that will make everything else make sense

JADE: so go ahead and start drawing

CALLIOPE: what?

JADE: lowas!!

CALLIOPE: right!

CALLIOPE: how's this?

JADE: looks good!

JADE: dont forget to put a really tall house poking out of the top

CALLIOPE: oh yes, of coUrse.

CALLIOPE: so yoU say yoUr story begins with a tragedy?

CALLIOPE: what shall i draw next to depict this tragedy?

JADE: nothing yet... ill get to that!

JADE: but yes, the tragedy is why i was alone on the golden ship

JADE: it was not long after our three year journey began

JADE: i was relaxing in our makeshift livingroom, giving john and davesprite some space to themselves for a while so they could catch up

JADE: john wanted to visit his home again

JADE: so i happily obliged and shrunk them both down so they could hang out in his tiny tall house

JADE: it seemed like the nice thing to do...

JADE: but i came to regret that decision more than any ive ever made

JADE: i was minding my own business when out of nowhere...

JADE: lowas exploded!!!

JADE: i couldnt believe it

JADE: it was totally inexplicable

JADE: there was no trace of them at all... they were both dead

JADE: i supposed it must have meant johns death was heroic... but i couldnt for the life of me imagine how

JADE: to me it was as pointless and arbitrary as a death could be

JADE: i looked within myself as hard as i could to see if there was some power i had, in all my omnipotence, to bring them back

JADE: but i couldnt

JADE: they were gone

JADE: i would spend the next three years on that ship without my two best friends

JADE: sure, there were still consorts and chess guys to keep me company

JADE: but the loss was too much for me to bear

JADE: i felt so alone

JADE: weeks and months went by...

JADE: i didnt have the slightest sense of how quickly or slowly time was passing

JADE: any sense of purpose to reaching the destination had vanished, and delicious though it was, no amount of nannas cake would bring me comfort

JADE: toward the end of the journey, when i feeling particularly despondent...

JADE: i fell asleep and had a dream

JADE: and that is when i met a very powerful, strangely charismatic creature...

JADE: her name was calliope ;)

JADE: as i said, she was somewhat like you, and yet so unalike

JADE: her presence was so serious and grave

JADE: her hollow eyes were piercing... but not hostile

JADE: but the prevailing sense i got from her was one of loneliness

JADE: before she even said a word, i could feel it somehow, that this was a deeply lonely soul

JADE: until i met her, i thought i was the loneliest person in the universe

JADE: but a feeling told me she had been here by herself for a long long time

JADE: i felt sorry for her

JADE: and relating to her plight helped me overcome the feelings of intimidation

JADE: so we began to talk

JADE: we traded stories about ourselves

JADE: she spoke of the brother she killed

JADE: i spoke of the brother i lost

JADE: and when i mentioned johns death

JADE: that is when she became very serious again

JADE: she began to recount how john had died, repeating to me the same story i just told you

JADE: she described the spontaneous destruction of lowas which left me alone for years

JADE: i wondered why she was recounting this tragedy that happened to me, and for that matter how she knew of it herself

JADE: she went on to say that lowas was destroyed because johns denizen had suddenly woken up

JADE: typheus, a great monster of truly terrifying power

JADE: she said he had destroyed his land and slayed his own heir of breath not out of malice, but to make a slight correction

JADE: i asked her...

JADE: what do you mean, "correction"?

JADE: she said that the john from my reality, and his entire planet, needed to be erased

JADE: and that the slumbering denizen in all his mysterious wisdom knew this

JADE: she told me that the dreams of a denizen draw from the same well of potential from which every conceivable possibility arises

JADE: the same place skaia gets its power from

JADE: so if an agreement with a denizen is reached in one reality, that same denizen in another reality could become aware of it, and respond accordingly

JADE: it seems that john, somewhere, in some other plane of existence, had made just such an agreement

JADE: she said that the john i knew, like herself, was only one version of a person

JADE: there was a different version of john from another reality poised to play a more significant role

JADE: you see, the john from that reality in an act of desperation had gone to see typheus, and struck a bargain with him

JADE: she would go on to explain the nature of that bargain in the next part of her story

JADE: but from my perspective, the consequence of this bargain was to lose my friends, and to live with that for years without understanding why

JADE: losing them still hurt, but i was so relieved to at least understand the reason, and to realize their senseless deaths were actually serving a bigger purpose

JADE: i thanked her for letting me know

JADE: she told me she was not human, and had no frame of reference for empathizing with my feelings

JADE: but if there was one thing she could relate to, it was the feeling of being alone

JADE: the feeling of waiting for what seems like eternity by yourself, until finally your purpose presents itself

CALLIOPE: ...

JADE: ....

CALLIOPE: i feel sorry for her.

CALLIOPE: er, for myself, i suppose. but then again, that feeling is nothing new.

JADE: heh

CALLIOPE: it's an odd statement she made, thoUgh.

JADE: what?

CALLIOPE: not having the frame of reference for empathizing with hUman feelings.

CALLIOPE: if yoU asked me, i woUld say i have the vantage to relate to both hUmans and cherUbs, so when yoU describe yoUr feelings of sadness over losing friends, i'd have more than enoUgh groUnds for commiseration.

CALLIOPE: do you think that this version of me never...

JADE: never what?

CALLIOPE: never had hUman friends like i did?

JADE: i have no idea

CALLIOPE: what a strange thoUght.

CALLIOPE: to grow Up with only my brother for "company"...

CALLIOPE: and not even have my hUman friends to get me by.

CALLIOPE: what a dreadfUl fate. the poor thing.

CALLIOPE: maybe that was the difference?

CALLIOPE: what let her predominate over her brother, whereas i was too, erm...

CALLIOPE: "hUmanly socialized" to sUcceed in my cherUbic rite of passage?

JADE: could be!

JADE: i dont know enough about cherub rites of passage to say either way

JADE: human rites of passage either, for that matter

CALLIOPE: so then what happened!

JADE: right! anyway...

JADE: thats when she began her story in earnest

JADE: the one she summoned me in my dreams to tell me

JADE: the story of the other john who made a deal with typheus

JADE: it began with the same place mine did

JADE: lowas

JADE: ...

JADE: so, go on

CALLIOPE: what?

JADE: draw lowas again!

CALLIOPE: oh!!

CALLIOPE: wait.

CALLIOPE: all over again?

JADE: ummmmmm

JADE: no, you can just copy the first one you did :)

CALLIOPE: what a lovely idea.

CALLIOPE: i'd hate to hold Up the pace of yoUr exciting tale with a bUnch of sUperflUoUs doodling.

CALLIOPE: good enoUgh?

JADE: yes, but...

JADE: there are also supposed to be glitches around

CALLIOPE: glitches?

CALLIOPE: what do yoU mean by glitches?

JADE: like computery glitches i think

CALLIOPE: that soUnds hard to draw.

JADE: ok why dont we not worry about showing the glitches for this story

JADE: they would just make it harder to see whats going on...

JADE: which is probably the point now that i think about it?

CALLIOPE: the point?

CALLIOPE: of what?

JADE: i never thought much about it

JADE: it just seemed like a weird detail she mentioned

JADE: but i guess it was some strange form of corruption in their session that made everything harder to understand

CALLIOPE: where did the corrUption come from?

JADE: no idea!

JADE: i guess it was just one more way everything got messed up for them

JADE: like, just another surreal obstacle for a hero to overcome?

JADE: oh, that reminds me

JADE: you need to draw john there as well!

CALLIOPE: right-o.

CALLIOPE: there yoU go.

CALLIOPE: one hero.

CALLIOPE: sans sUrreal obstacles!

JADE: :)

JADE: when she mentioned that i didnt give it a second thought

JADE: but now that i am trying to reconstruct everything and tell you what to draw...

JADE: hmm

CALLIOPE: hm?

JADE: i guess when youre trying to tell a story it forces you to think a lot more about everything than when youre just listening to one

CALLIOPE: tis qUite trUe.

CALLIOPE: perhaps yoU shoUld start writing?

CALLIOPE: how did she begin?

JADE: let me think...

JADE: hmm, maybe we should pause before i go on?

CALLIOPE: paUse??

JADE: like

JADE: some sort of intermission

JADE: so i can collect my thoughts a bit, and to give the audience a little breather between two significant arcs

JADE: we were at it for a pretty good while there, after all

CALLIOPE: what... aUdience?

JADE: well, that would be you in this case

JADE: ooh i know!

JADE: i can doodle a quick story about the antics of the silly consorts on the golden ship before moving on

CALLIOPE: >:U

JADE: one of the things i did to pass the time on the ship was give them funny names

JADE: lets meet our cast of characters for this intermission shall we?

CALLIOPE: ...

JADE: lets see, there waaaas

JADE: bubbleupagus

JADE: thips ahoy

JADE: nak be nimble

JADE: slowpoke malone

CALLIOPE: jade.

JADE: detective glubsbudget

JADE: fidgety herbert

JADE: doctor snausages

JADE: yiffyiff

CALLIOPE: JADE!

JADE: huh?

CALLIOPE: I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!

CALLIOPE: YOUR CONSORT FRIENDS ARE SO VERY CUTE AND THEIR NAMES ARE SILLY AND I LOVE THEM ALL BUT I WANT TO HEAR THE REST OF THE STORY!

CALLIOPE: PLEASE LET'S GO BACK TO ILLUSTRATING HER STORY, I'M SO CURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

CALLIOPE: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

JADE: wow, ok sorry!!!!!

JADE: yes youre right this is a stupid diversion... lets continue

JADE: um callie...

JADE: your hand :o

CALLIOPE: oops. :u

CALLIOPE: ahem. pay no attention to that.

CALLIOPE: do carry on.

JADE: so... anyway

JADE: like i said, she just finished telling me that she was able to beat her brother in this reality

JADE: but apparently, that wasnt supposed to happen?

JADE: so she lived out the rest of her life in a doomed timeline and eventually died

JADE: she didnt mention how

JADE: and then...

JADE: and then she did this kinda fancy transition

JADE: darn, i dont think ill do it justice

JADE: a transition to a story about MY brother... who was stuck in a doomed timeline too

JADE: i think ill mess it up if i try to match what she said word for word

JADE: she had a really fanciful way of putting things

CALLIOPE: there's no need to try to recite what she said.

CALLIOPE: jUst tell the story in yoUr own voice, as yoU have already been doing!

CALLIOPE: it will be more fUn that way.

JADE: ok

JADE: so the bottom line was

JADE: almost all our friends had died

JADE: and johns only hope was to return to his planet, and attempt to complete his personal quest

JADE: as you know, we all have personal quests that are unique to our planets

JADE: the nature of the quest is never easy to understand at first

JADE: they are presented to us through enigmatic riddles conveyed through the lore of the land

JADE: for john it was to journey to the place where "constellations danced beneath the clouds"

JADE: it was said the heir of breath was to free the stars from the shade and release them into heaven

JADE: this was just a mysterious way of saying what he REALLY had to do

JADE: the stars were actually fireflies

JADE: theyd been flying around trapped beneath the overcast sky ever since john first brought lowas into existence by his arrival

JADE: and paradoxically, theyd been imprisoned there for ages even before that

JADE: such is the way of our lands

JADE: they are newly born the day we arrive...

JADE: and yet they always were

JADE: to free the fireflies john would have to play a special song

JADE: it had to be played just right to summon the breeze through the pipes

JADE: but there was a problem...

JADE: the pipes were all clogged with oil!

JADE: the first day john came to his land, oil began oozing up from the core, flooding the pipes and filling the oceans

JADE: to play the song, first he would need to clean up the oil

JADE: and to do that, he would need to face the slumbering one himself

JADE: he would need to face typheus

JADE: but as he wandered through the catacombs down to the planets core

JADE: he wasnt thinking about freeing fireflies or cleaning up oil

JADE: he was seeking the help of his denizen to master a power he couldnt control

JADE: luckily for him, denizens always seem to understand what you want

JADE: and more importantly, what you need, whether you know it or not

JADE: ...

JADE: is something wrong callie?

CALLIOPE: hm?

JADE: go ahead and draw typheus!

CALLIOPE: oh...

CALLIOPE: yes, Um...

JADE: you do know what he looks like dont you?

CALLIOPE: i believe i do.

JADE: it doesnt have to be perfect

JADE: just draw a big green snake monster!

CALLIOPE: a big green snake monster yoU say...

CALLIOPE: :u

JADE: yes

JADE: a snake monster with the most unspeakably hideous face you can imagine

JADE: but you dont have to be too literal about that

JADE: feel free to draw something a little more representational :)

CALLIOPE: hrm.

CALLIOPE: i am not sUre if...

CALLIOPE: i am particUlarly comfortable rendering sUch imagery.

JADE: why not?

CALLIOPE: it strikes me as...

CALLIOPE: rather indecent.

CALLIOPE: for reasons i woUld be too embarrassed to explain. u_u;

JADE: thats ok

JADE: why dont i draw it?

CALLIOPE: very well.

CALLIOPE: bUt yoU mUst excUse me if i giggle.

JADE: ok but i dont see whats so indecent about a big old snake!

CALLIOPE: tee hee!

JADE: lol

JADE: when john got to the core he arrived to find typheus awake and ready for him

CALLIOPE: (giggle.)

JADE: he was then presented with the choice

CALLIOPE: (snicker.)

JADE: stop, youre gonna make me crack up too!

JADE: this part is serious!!

CALLIOPE: i apologize. please...

CALLIOPE: (snort.)

CALLIOPE: go on.

JADE: his choice was presented as a kind of riddle

JADE: spoken in a language only he could understand, spelling out the conditions he must accept

JADE: but speaking from experience, once a player is given the choice between two courses of action, it will hardly feel like a choice at all

JADE: if the heart is in the right place then the right thing to do always seems obvious

JADE: so john accepted his denizens terms

JADE: and with that...

JADE: typheus opened valves to the core

JADE: and flooded it with oil!

JADE: there was no way out

JADE: he could not transform into wind because he was completely submerged!

JADE: so he was faced with two possibilities

JADE: either he could figure out how to make himself disappear completely, using the ability he hoped to master

JADE: or he could drown in the oil

JADE: drowning obviously would have been bad :p

JADE: but disappearing wouldnt be much better!

JADE: he would appear somewhere else, having made no progress on his personal quest

JADE: his planet would still be polluted and he would be no closer to playing his song

JADE: somehow he understood the only way was to conceive of a third option

JADE: an idea beyond the simple binary set of outcomes before him

JADE: and interestingly

JADE: it was coming to this understanding which gave him the first glimpse of how to control the power

JADE: he realized it wasnt himself that he needed to make disappear...

JADE: it was the oil!

JADE: he dispersed every drop throughout existence

JADE: leaving a little mark for anyone who might notice, signifying his final mastery over his confining reality

JADE: but more importantly...

JADE: leaving his planet clean

JADE: and the pipes clear

JADE: finally they were ready to let the breeze flow

JADE: so he could play his song

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elinaline · 3 years

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I don't know why but this evening I'm having flashbacks of me in highschool, physically ill with anxiety every morning, and picking a perfume with scents of vanilla and orange because it's fragrances that evokes a happy morning and I'd noticed the people I cared about were grumpy in the morning and I wanted them to have a reason to smile at the start of their day. They were so brave that kid, folded in two in pain every single day while desperately forcing themself to listen in class and be the best possible, and thinking of the well-being of people they could already see abandoning them.

#highschool was not always great and i was also healing of the hell that was middle school #and i was really annoying and opinionated and overbearing but fuck i just remembered making that decision #lile having a friend tell me that me smiling when i saw them in the morning brightened their day so i made the conscious decision to Be Here #even though at the same time i could see my friends' grouo get bored of me #i dont want to forget this kid ok. they were struggling but they were trying so hard and im so happy they did because im here now #ive become a person and i would never have liked the person ive become if they hadnt been tryong ten years ago #rambling #i dont know why i thought of that memory but it came REALLY VIVIDLY

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amazingphilza · 3 years

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maniac :: cc!tommy x reader

angst (?) , platonic (?) , gender neutral ! ib: conan gray’s maniac

this is satire & note that i write the reader to be a few months younger than tommy (besides that, i think it is fully inclusive !)

synopsis : you put all your hard work towards a useless crush. with no expectation for reciprocated feelings in the first place, it still all ends in a bittersweet slap to reality.

you grew up with minecraft and it was an understatement to say it was part of your childhood

even years later, you still maintained interested in the game

it wasn’t just a simple video game, the community inspired you to do many things

you aspired to be like the creators you watched at a young age like sky, dantdm, cupquake, stampy, and many more

making people happy and entertained was a dream

and when minecraft slowly began trending again in 2019, you started making your own content whenever you felt like it out of fun

you never got much views but it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless

but it wasn’t until the first minecraft monday you decided to push a bit more with your hobbies and worked hard to make it somewhere

however balancing your passions with school wasn’t the easiest

given, you were still only around 15 and your content wasn’t even that good

with not much of a goal or plan with your youtube channel, you fell out of interest eventually

you loved minecraft but you always a rocky relationship with it; getting back into it for a few months then pretending it never really existed for another few

besides the occasional videos you watched in your pass time, you didn’t stay that updated

then lockdown happened

it changed everything and even got you regressing back to old interests

soon enough you were back to minecraft

there was so much to catch up on

hermitcraft season 7 just started, there was minecraft championships, and smp earth and smp live, and so much more to look forward to watching

you were a bit late on both of the smps but your interest peaked specially towards smp earth and it didn’t stop you from watching the past videos

you first gravitated towards a certain youtuber’s videos first since you remember stumbling onto his videos before from your recommended page; wilbur soot

besides recognizing him from his you laugh you lose series and making parody-type of songs, you didn’t know much

however with a few clicks, you had binge watched his smp earth series effortlessly

you found yourself falling down the endless hole, finding more creators to watch through wilbur

one in particular caught your eye in an interesting way

tommyinnit

my god, how can someone be so annoying and pushy in these videos? like shut up already

and to find out he was barely months older than you frustrated you

you just wanted to be better in some way

if someone like him could be popular, why can’t you? yelling at others and causing problems didn’t seem that hard

and so you went back to working hard on your previously failed youtube channel but this time with a goal; be better than tommyinnit

it was a weird aspiration in your head but it worked

he was your age and successful, why need a better motivator?

tommy wasn’t the sole reason why you strive to make content since you truly did want to create videos to entertain people like the youtubers you originally grew up watching

and with the amount of free time you had, you thoroughly analyzed his content; what was the most popular, how he streamed, edited his videos, everything

you just completely studied the algorithm in general

along the way, tommy’s personality grew on you

tommy was undoubtedly a very loud and energetic person but you became fond of his ambitions

you understood why he was popular at such a young age; he was a natural entertainer

your spite towards the boy turned into a hope

a hope to be at par with him someday and even be mutuals

and it was like your dreams were suddenly manifested into existence

you gained a large following in the early months of lockdown and even was recognized to be apart of minecraft championships

it felt like yesterday that you were just watching your favorite youtubers livestream the same competition

and now you were situation in a team to play yourself for the first time instead of being a viewer for once

not to mention, with tommyinnit as a teammate

how did you manage to get so lucky?

under the excitement, you felt beyond never nervous waiting in the empty discord call for your team to join you to practice the mini-games

in the middle of gathering your thoughts together, you heard a sound from discord signaling someone joined the call

“uh, hello?”

you heard the familiar british accent you spent hours listening to from countless streams and videos

“h-hi! i’m y/n, how are you?”

you hoped tommy couldn’t hear the strain in your voice due to fighting your nerves, but you quietly celebrated that you didn’t freeze up altogether

“oh i’m good, thank you. and i’m tommy by the way, this is the first time we’re speaking, yeah?”

“yep! it’s nice to meet you”

“yeah, i’ve seen your name around the timeline a few times, you seem cool”

oh my god what?

“thanks! um i actually really enjoy your content not gonna lie”

“oh wow, good shit!”

and the conversation smoothly went on, bouncing back and forth between you two before your other two teammates joined the call

once everyone was situated, you decided to start streaming since it was your first mcc and you wanted a vod of you practicing to look at later on as a memory

your chat immediately noticed how much you were enjoying yourself, especially after all the short stories of talking about who inspired you in the past

the smile plastered on your face never left

after stream and your other teammates went offline, it was you and tommy left in the call once together again

“it was nice talking to you tommy! and the practice was really fun, i cant wait for the actual competition!”

“yeah definitely, we’ll for sure place high”

“hopefully. it’s my first time and i hope i don’t cost us the dub”

“nah, you think so? i mean rt and plumbella are also our team mates so you know, it’s all for fun in the end”

you knew tommy was implying the teamwork wasn’t going to be the best compared to the other teams but at least in the end you’ve both made a new friend

“yeah you’re right!”

“anyway it’s getting late imma hop off”

“okay tommy, talk to you soon?”

“yep!”

“alright byee”

“bye!”

the moment he left the call, you felt a sense of relief before a small wave of sadness took over

you wanted to continue talking to tommy but you knew you had other responsibilities to tend to

for the rest of the day, you couldn’t stop thinking of the call and mcc practice

the funny jokes, singing random songs, screaming for no reason, everything

it even kept you awake until the early morning

you buried your head in a pillow and screamed into it after realization hit

y/n no

no no no no no no no

you tried to recall anything that remotely related your other teammates which you remembered that didn’t include tommy

even if it was a few hours ago, you couldn’t pin point something specific

i must just be forgetful, right?

what the hell did rt and plumbella even say that whole call?

you vividly remembered everything with tommy and it was clear to you why

surely not

with putting a hand on your chest above your heart, you confirmed that you couldn’t lie to yourself based on the rapid speed

you liked tommy for a good while but it hadn’t clicked to you until now

eventually you fell asleep due to exhaustion but that’s to say you didn’t do so without imagining spending more time with tommy

ever since that day, time went by in a flash

your team didn’t do the best in mcc but it had been a while since then to have that as a concern

sadly you and tommy didn’t talk as often as you hoped but that didn’t make you have less feelings for him

on some days you felt bad since you thought you didn’t know enough about him to even be allowed to crush on him

it was a bit unprofessional but you were nearly 16, it’s normal to have these little crushes right?

eventually time came to rescue when tommy asked you if you wanted to accompany him in the dream smp

undoubtedly, you said yes

and for the few months during summer, it was where you two became even closer than before

however, once both of you two had to go back and attend school, it was harder to catch up with each other

even on calls together off stream, the occasional snapchat notification going off irked you in a way you couldn’t explain

only winter break was the small pause on your disappointment

but even then, it was a slow but steady hill of repressed sadness and frustration until early spring of the following year

you had hoped 2021 would be better than last year but after scrolling through twitter one day and seeing stans making rumors about how tommy had a crush on one of his classmates gave you the same pain you felt when school started last fall

you dreaded to look over at tommy’s most recent story time stream vod where all the gossip arose from; it was him stumbling over his words with the mention of a girl during a certain part

jealousy wasn’t the right word to describe the way you felt

you would never go out of your way to make tommy reciprocate the feelings you had for him

and if he liked someone else the way you saw him, you wouldn’t mind

having a crush is ecstatic, and if he has someone like that too, you should be happy

right?

you tried

what finally broke you was seeing a tiktok a few weeks later of tommy in college with eryn and another girl talking

you didn’t know how she looked like or anything but you wanted to sob

good for him

she didn’t even say much in the video and you dont know enough about tommy’s personal life to jump to conclusions like this

you knew you were acting irrational and you couldn’t be upset at tommy for something he couldn’t control

if anything, you never directly showed interest in him

you didn’t want to in the first place

it was a bad idea from the start

you looked back at the past year and all your intentions

what kind of sick fanfiction did you think you were living?

becoming a content creator, hoping to blow up, just to talk to a big youtuber you had a crush on?

oh my god

y/n what is wrong with you?

listen to yourself, y/n

you need to get some help

whether tommy was dating or even just had interest someone was none of your business

you had to move on no matter what it was and be good and supportive friend

it was dreadful to get over a stupid crush like this but after so much work you put in, you gave some sympathy for yourself

in a friend perspective, you were happy with whatever tommy did and was satisfied your friendship together, but you hadn’t realized how much you gambled from the beginning

and just for a crush?

you couldn’t comprehend how far you gone because you fancied someone

it wasn’t like anyone could get famous and become a popular content creator either

and now with you being on the dream smp along with a successful youtube channel at 16? you were grateful something pushed you enough to work this hard

but you’d never forget the fact everything that lead up to this point was a crush on no other than tommyinnit which first spurred from complete spite

“who’s the one better off now?” your thoughts mocked you from the complete irony

sigh

y/n, you maniac

#idk whether to actually call this platonic but it’s not exactly romance so #tommyinnit x reader #tommyinnit x y/n #tommyinnit x you #tommyinnit fanfic #tommyinnit imagine #mcyt x reader #mcyt x y/n #mcyt x you #mcyt fanfic #mcyt imagine

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imma-fucking-nerd · 4 years

Text

Coming Home

(Connor x Anderson!Reader)

A/N: just got this idea literally now and i dont really have all the details down so sorry if it sucks :p

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It had been..... You don't even remember how long it's been since you've been in Detroit. But once you hear about everything that was going down with the androids you packed everything you needed, got into your car, and drove. Why were you so determined to go back? To go home? Well there was one reason.

Hank Anderson.

Your father.

When you left you changed your number and never brought his so you had no way of contacting him. No way of knowing if he was even still there or not with the whole evacuation. But you had a feeling his stubborn ass was still there, and if not you'd ask his captain where he went off to.

You nervously tapped your fingers against the steering wheel as you grew closer and closer to your childhood home. It'd felt like a whole other lifetime since you've seen it. You wondered if Sumo was still alive and kicking. You hoped so. You also hoped the same could be said about your father. Hoped he wasn't stupid enough to fight the androids who wanted freedom. You knew how much he hated the things.

Suddenly memories of the night you left started coming back to you. How he came home drunk once again, seemingly ignoring your existence. How you felt like you had enough. All the awful, hurtful things you screamed in a fit of anger and pain.

I wish it was you instead

That was the sentence you remember vividly saying the most. The sentence you regretted the most. You knew he was hurting, you were hurting too. But in the heat of the moment you needed to make him hurt more. Why? Now that you thought back on it no reason justified it. But you were just a kid who lost their brother and needed their father. A father who was so grief struck that he ended up neglecting his other child. At least thats how you saw it.

You didn't know why you didn't come home sooner. Maybe you thought if you built another life for yourself you could forget where you came from. But that wasn't how it worked. And you just hoped that it wasn't too late to make up for a young persons mistakes.

You were so lost in your thoughts you almost didn't realize you were right infront of your childhood home. It hurt to look at. However the dim lights that could be seen through the window gave you some hope that the pieces of a broken past could be mended.

Parking your car on the street you sat there for a moment. Then two. Then three. For some reason you just sat there, staring at the house. As if as soon as you got out it would disappear. Or maybe it was because your gut was twisting in anxiety of what was to come.

Sucking in a deep breath, you opened the car door and hopped out, stuffing your hands in your pockets after closing the door. You took slow steps towards the entrance, anxiety building up and twisting into knots in your stomach with each step. It wasn't too late to just turn around and leave. It wasn't too late to just forget again. But you knew you couldn't. Because one day it would be too late to get any sort of closure, and that was a thought you couldn't bare.

Your feet stopped once you reached the door and slowly you took out a hand from your pocked, raising it to knock on the door. To be honest they were pathetic attempts at knocking, as if you didn't want to be heard but at least you could yell yourself you tried. However it must have been loud enough because not too long after the door could be heard unlocking. Your heart was pounding in your chest and ears as you stared at the door.

Once it opened you expected to see the face of your father, shocked to see you there. However your heart dropped when you were faced with a young looking man with well kept dark chestnut hair and curious chocolatey brown eyes. But the thing that stood out to you the most was the LED on his right temple. He was an android. That couldn't be right.

"Can I help you?" The sound of his soft voice broke you out of your thoughts.

"I uh- I'm sorry I thought... I thought Hank Anderson lived here but I uh- I guess I was mistaken I'm sorry," you spoke as evenly as you could and tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to build.

He was gone. You were too late.

But just before you were about to turn around and quickly leave, the android spoke up.

"No you were correct, he still resides here. But I'm afraid he's a bit.... Indisposed at the moment," he spoke with a small awkward smile, looking back into the house for a second when he paused.

You gave a small sigh of relief. He wasn't dead. But then you just became confused. He lived with an android? What the hell happened when you were gone.

"May I ask who you are?" the android inquired politely, tilting his head slightly.

Jesus dad must hate this guy.

"I uh- I'm.... I'm..." you stumbled over your words as you tried to explain just who you were.

You noticed the androids once pale blue turn yellow and his gaze on you grow a little more intense. What was he doing? Before you could even open you mouth to speak again his eyes suddenly widened.

"You're his daughter/son," he spoke softly, barely above a whisper.

Now it was your eyes turn to widen. How did he know that? Did he scan you or something? All you could do was give a small nod in return. The android's LED shifted from yellow back to it's passive blue.

"My apologies Ms/Mr Anderson, would you like to come in?" He opened the door wider for you as he spoke, offering another awkward smile.

"Y-Yeah. Thanks, and please just call me (Y/n)," you said, giving him a small smile in return as you too a step inside.

"Of course, Ms/Mr- I mean, (Y/n). My name is Connor, by the way," he spoke as he closed the door behind you and locked it.

Your small, somewhat forced smile immediately grew once your eyes landed on the old st bernard padding over to you, his tail wagging excitedly. You wasted no time crouching down and giving your old friend a hug, meanwhile he gave you lots of slobbery kisses.

"Hey Sumo, it's good to see you too," you said with a grin.

When you lifted your gaze up you immediately recognized the figure sprawled out on the couch, and your smile dropped. Not necessarily because you weren't happy to see him, but because it seemed as though he never changed. Slowly you stood back up, and Connor immediately noticed the small frown on your face, and the cause of it.

"Would you like me to wake and sober him up?" Connor asked quietly, making his way over to Hanks unconscious form.

"No! Uh no, no that's okay. I'll just, wait until he wakes up in the morning. It's fine," Connor stopped at the sound of your voice and nodded.

"I should put him to bed then," was all he said before he started to drag your drunken father from the couch.

You could hear him grumbling and cursing under his breath as Connor dragged him along to the his bedroom. Despite knowing he probably wouldn't even know you were there, anxiety built in your heart of the possibility of hearing him say your name again. You hoped to god you wouldn't hear that. You didn't want your first meeting with him after years to be when he's too drunk to even see straight.

Luckily Connor was quick to putting him to bed, completely ignoring his ramblings because as soon as his face hit the pillow he was out like a light one more. Once your father was gone you sunk onto the couch with a heavy sigh, your eyes cast downwards. You really did not think this was how this night was going to go. But you supposed it could be worse. You father could have been dead. At least he had someone looking after him.

Looking up you saw Connor awkwardly standing infront of you. He was staring at you, his LED blinking yellow once again. It honestly made you a little bit uncomfortable and you awkwardly shifted on the spot you were sitting on. Thankfully Sumo was there to shift your focus as he hopped up next you you and rested his head on your lap. Just like old times. A small smile graced your lips as you pet the hounds head.

"Do you have anywhere to stay?" Connor suddenly asked, breaking the silence.

That question made you realize that you in fact, did not have a plan of where you were going to go if things went south.

"Uhhh no. Not really. But I could get a motel or something," you answered, looking up at him sheepishly.

"Nonsense," he shook his head, "I doubt the Lieutenant would have any problems with you staying here. As long as you don't mind the couch, that is."

You rose a brow slightly at the use of the title your father earned.

"I'm his partner," he quickly added as he noticed your confused face.

"Ah, that makes sense. Bet he was thrilled when he got that news," you chuckled softly.

"He was not. But I like to think I've grown on him," Connor smiled, your sarcasm completely going over his head.

You opened your mouth to say something but shut it, a small smile spreading across your lips. You knew for a fact that Connor must have driven your father nuts just from that alone. But in all honesty you thought it was kind of endearing.

"Anyways, I think I will stay. But where will you go?" you asked without really thinking.

"Androids don't require sleep," he answered simply.

"Right," you responded quietly, your cheeks growing warm in embarrassment.

Suddenly Connor turned on his heel and went into the linen closet for a moment before coming back with a spare blanket and pillow.

"Here you go, I hope these will suffice," he said as he handed them over to you.

"Yeah these will be fine, thanks," you smiled up at him as you took them from his hands.

You tossed the pillow to the other side of the couch and gave Sumo one last pet before shooing him off the couch.

"I uh hope you don't mind if I go to sleep now," you said as you unfolded the blanket and layed it out for yourself.

"Of course, I completely understand. You must be very tired, I'll be sitting in the kitchen if you need me," he spoke with a soft smile before turning to the kitchen.

It wasn't that far but it was the best he could do to give you some privacy. But before he left your small voice stopped him.

"Hey Connor?"

"Yes, (Y/n)?" he inquired, looking back at you and tilting his head slightly.

"Can you please wake me up before my dad gets up? I don't really want to be asleep when he first see's me," you almost pleaded, your gaze shifting away from him during the last sentence.

"Of course, (Y/n)," he nodded, making sure to keep note to not bee in sleepmode for too long.

"Thanks," you smiled up at him as you took off your jacket, letting it drop to the floor unceremoniously.

"It's no problem. Goodnight, (Y/n). It was a pleasure meeting you," he said with surprising sincerity, picking up your jacket and folding it neatly as he spoke.

"Thanks Connor, it was nice meeting you too," and that was the last thing you said before you laid your head on the pillow and drifted off to sleep.

It must have been the morning already because you woke up to Connor softly shaking you and calling out your name.

"My apologies (Y/n) but you asked that I wake you up before your father saw you, and I'm quite sure he'll be awake any moment," he spoke softly and slowly so your waking brain would understand what was going on.

Immediately any tiredness in you left as Connors words sunk in. This was it. It was finally time. You sat up and went to stand, maybe a little too fast because you suddenly felt dizzy and accidentally stumbled into Connor. Before you could mumble out an apology the android spoke.

"Are you alright?" His voice was laced with concern and you couldn't help feel heat rise up to your cheeks.

"Uh y-yeah, I'm fine. Just stood up too fast, sorry," you mumbled quickly and before any of you could say anything else a new, but all too familiar voice spoke up.

"Connor, who the fuck is-" Hank stopped mid sentence once he saw your face and his expression immediately softened and any hangover symptoms he was going to bitch about suddenly didn't matter.

"(Y/n)?"

"Hi Dad."

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A/N: holy shit i feel like i really started to fuck up during the end there ugh im sorry. Also sorry there's not much (y/n) and Hank interaction. Maybe I'll do a part 2 if y'all want idk. Anyways hope y'all enjoyed!

#dbh #dbh x reader #dbh connor #dbh rk800 #detroid become human #detroit #connor rk800 x reader #connor rk800 #connor x reader #hank anderson

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thatspookyfrogboy · 3 years

Text

Bakugo x my OC (name is Yuri, male)

This is pure angst. An idea ive had in my head that i need to write out.

My OC has a plant quirk, can create any plant from anywhere on his body.

WARNINGS: ⚠️death, mentions of blood⚠️

(The "best friend" in this is also my OC)

The white of the hospital room was blinding, and for a split second, Yuri thought he had died and gone to Heaven. But that couldn't be possible.

No way he would go to Heaven.

The room became less blurry, the disgusting hospital smell he always hated burning at his nose. His body ached, his limbs heavy and burning. He could feel the IV drip in his arm. His head felt like it was full of TV static, as he struggled to remember what was going on.

He sat up, dispite every inch of his body protesting. His eyes burned, a familiar sting, due to the blood that poured out of them when he overused his quirk. He was struggling to remember anything, but he heard a familiar, muffled voice from outside the room.

"Oi, get the fuck out of my way!"

Katsuki.

"Bakugou, you're not supposed to be moving around! You're really injured." He heard another voice.

"I dont care! Do 'ya think I'm weak or somethin'!?" Katsuki spat.

The voices felt so far away, Yuri's head filled with fog. He looked down at his hands.

They were blood stained.

Memories came crashing into him, clearing the fog. The battle, the blood, the screaming. He could have vomited, right then and there, if not for the fact that he hadn't eaten anything in a long time.

Kaname.

His very bones shuddered at the memory. His best friend. The person that always made him laugh. He remembered it so vividly, the friend he admired so much, dead in his arms.

Suddenly, his body was completley numb. Yuri ripped the IV out of his arm and stood. He was covered in bandages, but this wasn't the worst he'd ever been injured. He couldn't even hear Katsuki's yelling anymore, all he could hear was the buzzing in his head. He clenched his fists, fingernails digging into his palms.

His best friend was dead, and all he got were scrapes and fucking bruises?

Yuri's blood boiled, thorns poking out of his skin. His breathing became heavy, as he remembered his friend's smile.

Remember me, okay?

"Fuck!!" Yuri screamed. He began tearing the room apart, punching holes in the walls, knocking over the moniter, throwing the small green vase of flowers at the door. His quirk went off left and right, thorny vines and poisonous plants shooting out around him as he continued his tantrum.

The door swung open. Katsuki looked in horror as Yuri continued to tear the room apart. He was usually so calm, so level-headed. Usually it was the other way around, Yuri having to calm down Katsuki during one of his outbursts. He'd seen Yuri upset before, but nothing like this.

"Yuri, the fuck are you doing!?" Katsuki yelled, grabbing the smaller boy by the wrist.

"Let go of me!" Yuri screamed, voice cracking. Thorns grew at his wrist, piercing Katsuki's hand, forcing him to let go.

"Stop it! You're gonna hurt yourself!" Katsuki yelled again, not touching Yuri this time. He was at a loss, had no idea what to do. Yuri continued punching, throwing, not caring that his hands were being cut by glass.

"Why the fuck won't you listen to me!?" Katsuki reached out to Yuri again, but he smacked the hand away.

"Go fuck yourself! I dont have to listen to anyone!" Yuri screamed back, louder. His voice was raspy and broken. Thorns grew bigger, as did the mess.

In an act of desperation, Katsuki said,

"Is this what Kaname would have wanted?"

Yuri froze, jaw clenched.

"He would have wanted you to smile. To let yourself rest." Katsuki continued, stepping closer to the thorn-covered boy.

"The hell do you know? You didn't even like him." Yuri said, almost whispering..

"I know that he loved you. I know he would've hated to see you like this." Katsuki said, softening his tone.

"Yeah? Well he can't see me like this. He's dead." Yuri said, voice cold and harsh. He flinched at his own words. He knew Kaname was dead, but saying it out loud made it all too real.

"Oh my god, Katsuki." His voice broke, lip trembling. "He's dead."

Never, in all his time knowing him, had Katsuki seen Yuri cry. But right now, right in front of him, the small boy broke down sobbing. He was shaking, thorns growing bigger.

"He's dead. I couldn't protect him, and now he's dead 'cos of m-me." Yuri stuttered and sobbed.

Katsuki bit his lip, holding back his own tears. No, he didn't really like Kaname. But he didn't deserve to die. And seeing Yuri like this, the only person Katsuki has ever truly loved, broke him to pieces. There was nothing he could do, or say, that would make him feel better.

He took a step towards Yuri, who had fallen to his knees. Dispite the thorns, dispite the protests, Katsuki embraced him. The thorns hurt, of course, but he didn't care. Yuri needed him, needed to be held, needed to know that he was safe. So he said nothing, and let Yuri sob and prick him with thorns.

Eventually, the thorns went away. But the sobbing didn't. Yuri was now clutching on to Katsuki, crying heavily into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Yuri said softly.

"I know." Katsuki replied in a hushed tone, softly stroking the other's head. He was never this gentle, but Yuri needed it.

Eventually, the both fell asleep there, on the hospital floor, surrounded by shattered glass and tears.

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consciouschunkofmoss · 2 years

Note

TFYESFBUHDINJXMOK

"i'm not that smart!" *proceeds to give me a college-level lesson about my own consciousness and reasoning*

but seriously, you're very smart so don't even try to pretend you aren't because you are >:(

anyway-

i loved reading that it was amazing to see you break all that down into such a complex answer, i was honestly just expecting you to think it was cool and move on ERYTHDFBSNKJL

but seriously that was very nice of you and i'd very much enjoy having complex and theological conversations with you more often :))

i also thought it was very interesting, given that i'm not a particularly religious person? although i grew up in the lutheran church, so yes, i suppose your comment about extensive knowledge about religion would be true, since i've been learning about it for 17 years lol

but the religious imagery and metaphors presented in the phrase came as a surprise once i was lucid enough to really process it so. i guess you do have a point.

but i'm not usually able to conjure up such detailed images once i've even slightly awoken, so being able to so vividly remember nearly every detail of the situation was also very shocking. yet i think it's impressive and probably means something? i'm trying to figure out who the people could have been but. i'm coming to a dead end at this point. honestly my only idea is that maybe the bottom person could have been a representation of myself? i mean i'm extremely pale, and i've got this weird thing on my skin by my shoulder that thinking back on it i might've just caught sight of? but the person on top is completely unknown. perhaps it was just my desire to be loved and held that was being incarnated in. whatever that was.

anyway this got out of hand ugefhsidjk ily <3

way to call me out smh /j

but really tho sxjsnxjsbs i just. dont really consider myself as smart as like. you or my other friends :")

also was that really at "college-level" ???

either way. yeah !! i absolutely love concepts like this, and to think over such matters really makes me excited and very much eager to write a whole essay about it if i could haha

your thoughts as amazing as well, so it was quite easy to simply add onto what you had already written about. and given that i hardly like to leave a conversation without at least a more complex explanation over my own opinions as well, i definitely had to reply to you in a way that would try and touch on most of the subjects present ^^

and yess i would absolutely love to have conversations like this more often !! i have always enjoyed hearing from you and reading into the complexity of the very own consciousness of certain characters into your writing pieces, so i do agree with that talking to you regarding such things more often would be great 💕💕

oh and i think that makes sense as well haha but, really, i was just giving a certain example on matters that like. one comes to know about and therefore implements into their unconscious thoughts though, yes i believe that the whole astonishment part is a reality when it comes to meanings that we dont really process as much as our brain does as well lol

and i know !! this usually, from what ive seen and experienced myself, tends to happen in a more deep stage of sleep, rather than when you have just woken up and is already adjusting to our surroundings. so, thats why i was so amazed as well ! maybe it really came to mean something more profound to you, or the way in which you felt about it seems to have an affect far more great on that moment enough for the memory of such a scene to carry on even after what happened.

also, imo it really does make sense that one would project a form that they know very well, or that is important and memorable to them. so yeah, maybe it really was a projection of you or what your brain would have come to construct as some kind of version of yourself ?? though at this point im really just losing my thread of thoughts here :")

and regarding that other person, it could have been as you said more of a manifestation of some specific thought/idea or desire, but also considering the detailing from such a figure, the suggestion that maybe it is a real person or a kind of construction made by your brain from real references and perspectives could also def be a possibility

but im no expert in dreams lol much in the psychology hidden behind the things that resurge through dreams and vision like this-

but yeah, sometimes certain visions/imaginary scenarios may come to you in a way that seems quite complex and too nuanced to understand properly or at all. but im sure that if you try and take in all the details as much as possible, sometimes even the most simple option may come to light and respond to what you have been trying to piece together ! and if nothing seems to work, maybe just letting it marinate for a while could lead to an even more rich answer, too.

oh and its ok sxjnsjxhjs i love you too <3

hope you find the answers to this soon btw ! ^^

#long post

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 46

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.4k // 4.7k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: sex was vanilla but i liked it idk lol! i know the Horan & Rose event was in may i just changed it a bit for the story and pushed it to july. this goes downhill from here, sorry :X

PLEASE, i would love to know what you think about Louis and Olivia’s relationship/friendship or what you want to happen or expect to happen to them. he’ll be a LOT more present in the next few chapters so i really need to know.

requests for this chapter! (i suggest you dont read them if you dont want spoilers for this chapter)

Chapter 46 : His chapter

NIALL

After the evening at karaoke, we jumped in my car and drove away. I kept glancing at her, enjoying the large smile on her face and somehow, it made me happy just to see her happy. I watched her hair dance around her face from the wind coming from her window and she moved her purple and pink heart-shaped sunglasses down on her nose, making me smile more.

"No one wear those unironically, by the way." I pointed out just to tease her.

"I do!"

"And it's dark outside." I added, raising my eyebrows.

"I wear them for the style."

She turned to me and sent me a huge smile, making me chuckle and shake my head. I had a hard time to admit it to myself but i was happy with her and I wanted to spend every single minute of my free time with her. The fact that it was mostly what I used to do before we started dating hit me and It made me think of what Louis had said when we met at the bar right after Liv told me how she felt. The only things that really changed was holding hands and having sex... and everything else.

"So where are you taking me?" she asked, moving the window up as we got on the highway.

"You'll see."

"More or less romantic than the gift you gave me this morning?"

I laughed again and licked my lips, glancing at her.

"Cheesier than romantic." I let out after a while.

"Am I gonna like it?"

"Definitely."

The rest of the ride was short enough and when I parked, she started laughing before turning to me again. I loved the way her eyes shined and realizing that I wanted to spend the night cuddling her more than spending it shagging it proved me that I was in it very very deep. I held my breath at the thought and swallowed. She didn't notice and just chuckled before getting out of the car to reach the door. I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the scary thoughts running in my head, and finally followed her, my eyes roaming on the lodge Harry had rented a few months ago. She stopped in front of the door and stared at me as I unlocked the door and finally pushed on it. Instead to walk in, she waited until I turned to look at her and sent me a fond smile.

"Why did you bring me here, Niall?" she asked in a low tone, tilting her head slightly on the side.

"I know we had fun here, thought it'd be cool to rent it again, spend a few days, just you and I this time." I shrugged as I watched her raise her eyebrows.

I sighed and raised my nose up before shaking my head.

"I just thought we had a few weird memories together here and maybe I want to change them. Maybe I want to make love to you in every damn room and watch the fucking stars all night laying outside in the backyard. With food and wine and a stupid fire." I stared at her a few seconds and sighed again. "I love you, I just want to make you happy."

Her lips curled more and she moved closer to me quickly, getting on her tiptoes and cupping my face. I closed my eyes when her lips pressed against mine and felt one of her hands slip in my hair. I remained motionless until she got back down on her feet but she didn't say a word. She walked inside and I just followed her, closing the door behind us.

I watched her as she took her sunglasses off and put them on the kitchen's table as a bunch of memories rushed to my brain. It was only a few months ago but it felt like it's been forever and watching her in this kitchen again made something in my stomach twist. I got out of my thoughts when I realized she had taken her shirt off and was doing the same thing with her pants but I decided not to move to just enjoy the view.

"The first thing we did when we got here was to jump in the pool in our underwear." she pointed out, taking a step my way and leaving her clothes on the floor. "I had kept my shirt but not today. You were only in your boxers though."

"Oh you remember that?"

"Clearly and vividly." she added, making me smirk. "I remember masturbating to that sight."

The memory of catching her masturbating came to my mind and I felt my whole body throb. I tried to push it away but the next memory that came to my mind was when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Harry and her completely naked and wet on the side of that same pool and it made me hold my breath. I didn't want to tell her I saw them simply because I didn't want to talk about the relationship she had with him. All I wanted was to spend time with her. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her here, maybe it was a bad idea and maybe i'd spend my time remembering her with Harry but I would try not to.

It was not like me to think about that kind of things or be jealous about ex lovers but when it came to Olivia, I barely recognized myself and it wasn't new. All the weird reactions I had had here when we spent the weekend with our friends were the proofs that even before we started dating, I had reactions that really didn't fit with my personality.

"Come on." she added with a head movement. "Let's go."

I noticed she had placed her arms around herself, hiding her stomach and I wanted to tell her not to do that but she left too quickly and I watched her get in the pool slowly before taking my shirt and pants off too and leaving my shoes and socks by the door.

Instead to walk down the stairs to join her, I decided to just throw myself in the water. When I came out, I smiled at her as she pushed her wet hair away from her face.

"You think you're funny mm?" she asked as I tried to move closer to her.

"I'm hilarious." I let out, making her chuckle.

"Admit it." she started as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer. "The cheesy thing you had planned was to watch the stars."

"Oh congrats, such a clever girl, pretty sure I mentioned that only a few minutes ago." I joked, rolling my eyes with a smile.

"The lodge was just an excuse. You could as well have brought me camping."

This time I grimaced and her laughter came to my ears in a sweet melody. I didn't want to stress about the future, I was a man of the moment and that's all I wanted to focus on. I knew these doubts and questions would come back eventually, they always seem to, but not today.

"I almost did, I admit." I finally said. "Because i do want to watch the stars with you until morning. But i'm not against a good and warm shower tomorrow."

She laughed and my amused smile turned into a fond one and she smiled back before to move her chin up. The sky was dark and when I glanced up too, I noticed the incredible amount of stars shining from the sky. Her lips curled more and I licked my lips as she was staring up.

"I just want you to have a perfect birthday."

It took her a few seconds but slowly, she looked back down and her eyes found mine.

"It is, Niall." she whispered, bringing both her hands on my cheeks. "It's perfect."

---

I knew that only using a blanket wouldn't be comfortable so I brought a small mattress and a few cushions outside, near the campfire. It took me a bit too long to actually start a fire but when I finally succeeded, I sat with my knees up and my legs spread and it only took a second for her to move between them. I wrapped my arms around her and she leaned her head back on my shoulder, her gaze once again turned up to the sky. Her hair was still damp and a shiver crossed her body as she shook against mine. It only made me hold her tighter and she sighed again, a cute smile gracing her face.

"I just want this forever." she let out in a low tone as I felt her hand on one of my thighs. "You and me together and nothing else."

I remained silent but held my breath without really realizing it. I could feel the warmth of her body on mine, I could feel her hair tickling gently my neck, I could smell her shampoo, the mix of honey and vanilla invading me... and I wanted to tell her that it's what I had planned, too. I wanted to tell her that spending my life with her was not scaring me, that it was exciting me, making me impatient and overjoyed... but I remained silent. I didn't know how it make me feel other than fear and some bad stomach twisting.

"Do you remember how we always used to get on top of my roof and watch the stars?" she finally wondered in a sweet tone.

I felt her hand squeeze my arm gently and I smiled at the memories.

"I do."

"And sometimes you'd bring your guitar and play for me." she added quickly.

"I brought it." I let out, staring at the flames of the fire near us. "And there's a song I want to sing to you."

She moved in my arms and turned slightly to look at me better. After a while, I gave in and looked at her, my eyes roaming on her face. I hadn't really planned to play her my new song, I thought i'd wait until it was finished, but at that exact moment, I really wanted her to hear it. I wanted to bring her into the process of my writing and my music and I was not sure why.

"Go get your guitar!" she urged me with a smile, her eyebrows raised.

I chuckled and quickly got up, running to the car to get it and grabbed the sweater I left on the backseat at the same time. When I came back, she was laying down, her arms under her head staring up at the stars. I stayed motionless a few seconds just looking at her and when she noticed me, her lips curled more and she sat up, turning my way. I handed her my sweater as I sat in front of her and she thanked me before putting it on. I had this fascination with her wearing my clothes and I bit my bottom lip for a few seconds before clearing my throat and letting my fingers run on the strings.

"Okay tell me everything." she asked, moving her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees. "What's the song about? Are you thinking about a solo career?"

"Maybe." I asked, raising my eyebrows, a bit unsure of her reaction. "What would you say?"

"I'd say you're the most talented person I've ever met and that you should totally go for it."

I chuckled, raising my nose up. "You're a bit biased."

"I'm not." she shrugged, leaning her chin on one of her knees. "I can recognize talent when I see it. You just also happen to be my best friend and the love of my life."

She shrugged again and I smiled more before nodding.

"The song is about you, but also not really." I tried to explain as she frowned. "It's a concept song, but I also wrote it thinking about you and how... i'd feel without you."

She stared at me a few minutes and tilted her head, squinting a bit before licking her lips. I knew she was curious and I knew my words didn't really make sense but after a while, she pressed her lips together and nodded.

"You know, you don't have to write about me." she pointed out in a low tine. "I don't want you to feel like you have to write songs about me if you don't feel like it."

I felt my heart melt a bit at her words and bent closer to her, raising my eyebrows.

"I want to." I let out just as low. "I have to. I can't help it."

She ended up nodding again after a while and I tried to focus on my fingers as I started singing.

"Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air It's hard

Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round It's funny how things never change in this old town So far From the stars

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmmm

I saw that you moved on with someone new In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you It's so hard So hard

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong That I can't move on But there's something 'bout you

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmm Everything comes back to you Mmmm"

When I ended the song, all I could hear was the thumping of my heart against my chest. I looked at her and she looked back at me in a way I couldn't decipher. I hadn't realized before this exact moment how desperate I was for her approval and how much her opinion meant to me. She let go of her knees and crossed her legs. Her hands were hidden in the sleeves of my sweater that she was wearing and she glanced down before quickly looking up in my eyes, licking her lips.

"Which parts are about me?"

I hadn't expected this question and instead to enumerate all the parts of the song that I wrote thinking about her, I let out the only thing that felt completely true to me.

"'Everything comes back to you,'"

Her traits softened and she sent me a small smile, blinking a few times.

"I'll never leave you, I hope you know that. I'll never find someone new. It was always you, Niall, and it will always be you."

-----

Most of july had been quite warm and now that it was almost over, I tried to enjoy it as much as I could. I was about to get into recording a few songs, working on an album and promoting it. Still, I had wanted to work on the Horan and Rose event even if I knew I was about to be very busy. For the very first time, I had brought Olivia as my official date, which was not something very usual for me or for her, but I had insisted a bit and she had given in.

It was late when we got back and maybe we had drank a bit more than intended but still not enough to be drunk, just to be slightly tipsy. She laughed at all my jokes and for some reason, it made me feel good.

"Although very beautiful, that dress is fuckin' uncomfortable." she admitted as we stepped foot inside. "And the shoes are even worse."

It had taken her an eternity to pick a dress even if I thought she looked amazing in every single one she tried on.

"You're such a softie." I joked with a laugh.

"A girl has the right to enjoy her sweatpants, can't she?"

"Such a hypocrite!" I laughed again. "You love when I wear a suit!"

She smirked and turned to me, taking a few steps my way as she nibbled on her bottom lip.

"I do. And when you wear sweatpants too. Oh, and golf pants, they help showing how incredible your ass is."

I laughed again and bent down to press my lips against hers.

"I'll remember that." I winked, making her chuckle.

"As if you didn't already know that!"

I watched her get upstairs and quickly followed her. My hands found her waist as soon as I reached her and I bent down slightly to kiss her neck. I would rarely see her with her hair up but she looked pretty and I smiled when a few tiny hairs coming out of her ponytail tickled my nose.

"Niall James Horan, are you trying to get in my pants?"

I laughed and shook my head, making her tilt hers on the side. I let my lips run on her skin again and I could swear I heard her whimper.

"More like under your dress."

She laughed lightly and turned around in my arms. Seeing her smile made mine grow and I moved forward, obliging her to take a few steps back as my hands reached for the zipper of her dress. I slowly moved it down and she smiled more.

"Are you gonna keep your suit on?" she asked, her cute smile turning into a smirk.

"Not all night, no." I smiled too.

"No I meant, are you gonna keep your suit on while I ride you?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I knew she could see all the lust I felt in the way I was looking at her. She took a step back and I kept silent as she pulled on her dress. She stood in front of me in her underwear and even if I knew she felt self-conscious, I couldn't help but let my eyes travel on her body slowly, catching every curve. I ended up smiling more and decided to sit on my bench, smirking when I remembered there was a mirror right on front of it.

She licked her lips again and reached for the tie in her hair, sliding it down her ponytail gently. Her hair fell in a cascade over her shoulders and the pink on her cheeks made me want to be rough with her.

"Come here." I let out. "And get on your knees, petal."

Slowly, she did what I asked and when I felt her hand wrap around my cock, I breathed through my teeth. I looked at her back in the mirror and reached around her to unclasp her bra. Her mouth on my growing cock felt incredible and her pace didn't falter at all when I gripped her hair to help her head move up and down. The way her tongue and lips moved on me made me want to thrust deeper in her mouth until I came and I felt one of my legs shake at how close I already was.

"Get up and straddle me."

I let go on the air I was holding when she stopped touching me and I watched her get up and take her panties off. She was naked and I was still completely dressed, making her look suddenly more vulnerable than I thought was possible. Slowly, she put her knees on each side of me and sat on my lap. Her lips reached mine and I quickly deepened the kiss to taste her.

"Get up on your knees, pet." I whispered. "I want to touch you."

Keeping her lips against mine, she did what I asked and I quickly slipped one of my hands between her legs. She twitched when it rubbed gently on her clit and I smiled more. I slid two fingers inside her, making her moan in my mouth, but remained motionless for a few seconds.

"Fuck yourself on my fingers. Do it like it's my cock."

She didn't make me tell her twice and started bouncing on my fingers, coating them quickly and making me groan low. Her moans were getting louder and she shook her head to push her hair behind her shoulders. Watching her all fucked like that made me even harder and without thinking, I took my fingers away and grabbed her waist, pushing her down on me. Her skin was burning on my palms and I pressed my fingers more against her skin, hoping it would leave an imprint on her.

"Jesus christ." I let out when I was completely inside her, "Fuck me petal, do it."

She quivered lightly but just started moving over me again as I let go of her to give her full control. I felt my cock slip in and out of her fast and hard and every single time I was balls deep inside her, I could feel her clench around me. I tried to keep my hands to myself, just watching her breasts move right in front of my face but after a while, I couldn't resist.

"You feel so fucking good." I let out with a short moan, bringing my hand to her chest. "I love when you do exactly what I ask you."

Swiftly, I slapped one of her breasts, making her moan and shake over me.

"Don't stop," I ordered, spanking her hard before slapping her breast again. "Keep riding me."

Seeing her ride me was incredible but the pleasure was multiplied whenever I would glance at the mirror, watching her also from behind, her body bouncing and shaking at the same time. I moved closer and ran my lips on her shoulder as she kept fucking herself on me. I sucked a few spots as I ran my hands on her waist and breasts and when I felt her fingers slip in my hair to grip it tight, I let out a moan.

"Niall, I'm gonna cum." her voice came to me in a mix of a whisper and a whimper and when her body started jerking over mine, I felt her clench hard around me, making me reach my orgasm too.

I grabbed her waist and pushed her hard against me as I moved my hips up to feel myself as deep as possible inside her. I let out a few curse words and when my name escaped her lips again in a moan, I felt myself get dizzy from the feeling. We were both a panting mess and she brought her parted lips to mine. We kissed very slowly as I let my fingertips run on her burning skin until we both came down from out high.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight." she said shyly after pulling away, nibbling on her bottom lip. "I know you had to insist a lot, but i'm glad you did."

"T'was my pleasure."

She sent me a fond smile and finally got off of me before staring at me and tilting her head. I tucked my cock back in my boxers and ran my fingers through my now messy hair.

"How hot was it to be dressed while I was completely naked?" she asked, making me laugh.

"The truth? Very hot." She grimaced and I laughed more. "Come on, go get those damn sweatpants."

She laughed as she left the room and I decided to go back downstairs to grab water bottles for both of us. I saw the tags of her dress we had left on the counter since we were in a hurry and threw them in the bin but what I saw made me stop all movements. I bent down to grab the box laying there and I could swear my heart stopped beating. It was impossible, we had been cautious, right? She was on the contraceptive pills, wasn't she? Then why did she felt the need to get a pregnancy test without even telling me. In an impulse, I searched through the bin to find the white stick that would tell me the result and when I realized my search was useless, I just ran back upstairs.

"I decided on your oldest pair of sweatpants, I hope it's okay." she let out as she turned around, probably hearing me rush in the room.

Her face immediately changed when she noticed what i was holding and her lips parted. I could read fear in her eyes and she shook her head slightly.

"It's not what you think..."

"You're pregnant?"

I barely even realized that these words came out of my mouth and as soon as I let them out, time seemed to stop. My whole body was throbbing with fear and so many thoughts rushed to my brain that I could barely think.

"No!"

I thought that i'd feel relieved when I would hear that word but my body was still tensed, my hand gripping the box so tight it started hurting.

"No, Niall, of course not!" she took a step my way. "I would have told you."

"Really? Because you didn't tell me you thought you could be."

Her face changed and she frowned, looking down. I knew she felt guilty but I couldn't seem to feel bad for her at that exact moment.

"I woke up one day, realized I was late, bought a test and did it. It was negative so I thought hey, no big deal." she explained with a shrug before looking back up in my eyes. "It's not like I waited weeks or anything, it was all in the span of a few hours and you were out."

Realizing I had kept my air in, I exhaled slowly, trying to relax my body and finally closed my eyes before rubbing them. I didn't want to be mad at her and if I wanted to be honest, it was a bit wrong of me to be mad anyway. I knew she just wanted to spare me the stress, I just wasn't sure I liked that we kept things from each other.

"If this happens again, I want to know, even if it's negative."

She nodded and I sighed again, walking up to her and taking her in my arms. We hugged for a few seconds and I finally moved back.

"Let's just sleep."

I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth before getting undressed and throwing my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. When I came back, the lights were off and she was already laying down in bed. I walked up to her and sat on the mattress,noticing the frame on the bedside table with our young faces on it. I smiled despite myself, not being able to read the little card placed in the corner but knowing exactly what was written on it.

"I love you, Olivia."

I felt her move behind me and closed my eyes when I felt her chest press against my bare back. She leaned her chin on my shoulder and I felt a shiver cross my back.

"I love you too, Niall." she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #my fanfic #amc #enjoy this moment of happiness #you really should #trust me #PLEASE READ THE NOTES? I NEED YOUR OPINION THANK YOU

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superhero-daugthers11 · 3 years

Text

Love Will Find a Way

Steve headed to the SSR gym for his daily work out. He had returned the Infinty Stones and now on a mission to reunite with his past love. He had landed himself a job with SSR, knowing that she had worked here durring her younger days. He was sure if he were to find her they could pick up where they left off...well at least thats what he told himself. In reality, he wasnt sure if she would have moved onto another man yet, it had been almost a year since his crash. He knew she eventually settled down but he wasnt sure when. If he were too be complete honest with himslef he would feel the odds of her still loving him were probably slim but just to know her again...yet to be her friend would be more than enough.

He made his way to the treadmill and turned the dial to its highest setting. He began to run hoping it would clear his head. Yet his eyes couldn't resist watching the woman. She has the same walk, the same stance, and fighting moves. She even had the same beautiful dark brown eyes and red lips......She looks even more beautiful then I remembered. He sighed and took a deep breathe. He moved to a slightly slower pace and tried to play out the logic of the situation in his head.

He turned off the treadmill and walked over to the stranger slowly. “Peggy?” He spoke in a cautious manner. “Is that you?”

she came to work out her frustration on the punching bag at their gym. It was a relief to stretch her muscles in such a familiar way. She was completely lost in her thoughts when she heard a familiar voice beside her.

She froze.

Don’t get your hopes up, Peggy. She thought to herself. There’s no way. He went down in that plane, he’s gone and he can’t come back. But she turned to be polite and her breath was taken away.

It was him. Steve. She reached for him without thought.

“Steve.” She whispered his name as her hand extended towards him. “How…how are you here?” She asked, not wanting to believe her eyes in case she was being deceived and made to look like a fool. He hadn’t aged a day. And really…neither had she since the last time they had seen each other.

“It’s me. It’s Peggy.” She sighed with a soft smile.

He smiled as she spoke, hearing her voice again and seeing her here was such a dream come true. His heart beat faster than it ever did before, he felt as if his heart would burst from its chest. Yet his fear and doubt melted away momentarily and his only focus was her. He moved closer and put a hand on her cheek, he looked into her eyes and felt captivated. He then smiled again and hugged her tight. “Peg, I have missed you so much! You dont even know, I have thought about you every day since I crashed.” Tears welled up in his eyes as he had her in his arms again.

He stepped back, releasing her from his hug, the smile still not leaving his face. He looked down and took a breathe trying to regain some form of composer. He didnt want to scare her off, but he also had waited for this day for so long. “Anyways to answer your question..” He spoke rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “Umm its kind of a crazy story and i`m not sure you will believe me…but just trust me on this one. So, when I crashed the plane back in 1940…I got frozen in a block of ice and about 50 years later i was unfroze me. They say it was my powers that kept me alive in the ice.” He told her and then he went into his gym bag and pulled out a newspaper from that year with the article about finding him. “That was in 2010, like 20 years later there was a war and a friend of mine created time travel to help us win. After the war was done I decided to come back here and find you.” He pulled out another newspaper article and handed that to her.

His smile was so genuine and when he hugged her, everything felt right with the world again. It was like the hole in her heart was finally filled and she could not hold back a few tears as he embraced her.

“Steve…I….I have missed you more than words can even say. I thought….I thought we had lost you forever.” She listened to his story about how he had survived the crash and as crazy as it sounded, she had heard crazier. Seen crazier before too.

“Literally frozen in a block of ice?” She asked incredulously. “What kind of luck is that? How did they even find you? You were in the middle of nowhere. We weren’t even sure where to find the wreckage.” Peggy explained, not willing to stop touching him to make sure he was real, she kept hold of his hand even as he stepped back from her.

He laughed at her remark, a loud bellowing laugh. “Oh yeah literally frozen in ice, its like something out of the Twilight Zone. They had like ten guys trying to get me out of the damn thing and then I didnt wake up until some days later. I remember reading the file about the rescue and saying to myself how all this couldn’t be real, but it was. I think they found me in Antarctica, im not too sure were I landed initially or how I got where I did.. to me it felt like hours and hours of just water, not even any planes or boats or people…then i was just sort of waiting for whatever happened next. There wasn’t anything I could really do to save myself.”

Steve remembered when he crashed so vividly but it wasnt a memory he cared to share with her though, especially not now. He didnt freeze instantly, it took almost two hours and then his brain went into a coma like state. For the first thirty minutes he hoped and silently preyed that someone would find him. He thought about those he was leaving behind, he thought about how much he would miss the Howling Commanders, and especially Peggy. He thought of all the things he could have done differently in life, even ways he could have solved the issue without risking his life. Then in his last hour, he thought about those he would be reunited with in death: his fellow soldiers, his parents, Dr. Erskine (who made him into Captain America), Bucky. That brought him a sense of comfort in his last hour. He was sure at the time that even he wouldn’t live through this.

As she held his hands he smiled at her like a child. He couldnt believe he was so lucky! He couldnt stop smiling, this had to be fate or a blessing. “Its incredible isn’t it? You and I here together again. I mean honestly what are the odds?” He spoke. “I thought I lost you too, but we found each other again.” He hugged her again unable to contain his joy. “Hey why don’t we go somewhere to eat? There is this nice cafe on 23rd. I would love to hear everything you been up to since I last saw you and dont spare any details."

@fauxqueenvictoria

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crimsonbluemoon · 5 years

Note

Sorry my moodboard request is kinda late! Could i ask for a deleted scene with squirrel and ohm interacting? I hope thats specific enough ajskak

Is it possible? Crim got TWO drabbles out in one day? Is this real life? Yes, yes it is. ^.^

Uh so I kinda wrote this starting with Ohm and Squirrel, then tossed in Cartoonz, and made it bro-moments and romantic moments so I hope you dont mind.

Please, enjoy!

“Do it again.” Ohm didn’t let his face show any sympathy when he set himself back onto the ground, wings easing back to rest while waiting for his opponent to rise from the training floor. Being younger did not aid the angel in front of him, Ohm waiting patiently for Squirrel to groan and push himself back to his feet.

“Why do I have to do this again? I’m just a messenger angel!” The fire of the newest addition to their motley crew was evident even when he scowled, showing his dislike of the current predicament with a dramatic roll of his shoulder. Ohm had hardly put any energy into his attacks, meaning that his fellow angel was just trying to play up his protest. Silently, Ryan promised not to let the malleable youngster hang out with Smiity or Mini any longer unsupervised.

“If you plan to continue hanging around strong beings like the Phoenix and Test Your Luck, then you need to be ready for creatures who don’t look at our kind in a positive light. They’ll challenge you, may even try to kill you outside of the bar to make a point. It would be safer for you to not continue staying around here as much as you have.”

“But Nogla’s gonna be coming back from Louisiana tomorrow and he promised me one of those weird fried animals on a stick that humans love.” The excitement on Squirrel's face made Ohm’s frown deepen, taking a step closer while letting his voice lower.

“Has the Council spoken about your closeness to humans yet?” A flicker of fear was barely there, but Ohm honed in on it far faster than his ally could shrug it away. “Squirrel.”

“Probably said something about it last time, but it wasn’t even the Council. Just one of their lapdogs.” Since the battle with Grigori, Squirrel had taken a new perspective on the rule of the angels, which Ohm hated to admit was contributed to by Cartoonz and the others. While he still did his job, and never slacked off in any of his duties, he had found a weird connection with their group that Sat- that other angels never had. Squirrel seemed to enjoy their company, and despite finding humans far inferior, never held that against them. It was a reckless way to think for an angel as young and easily swayed as Squirrel, and Ohm knew the angels would not tolerate the youthful rebellion for long.

“You need to be careful,” Ohm cautioned, trying not to overstep his role in the younger angel’s life.

“Funny, I don't remember adopting another weak scrapper.” But Luke, who dropped an arm around Squirrel’s shoulders and dragged him in for a playful ruffle of his hair, didn’t seem to care about rules and lines not being crossed. “What kind of danger are we pulling this guy out of this time?”

“Aw, not my hair,” Squirrel groused quietly, though didn’t pull back from the arm holding him. Ohm watched the scene unfold quietly, unsure if it was anxiety or something softer making his feathers flutter when Caroonz grinned down at Squirrel.

“Out with it, cupid. Who’s bullying you on the playground now? Those earth elves tripping you in the bar again? The shifters impersonating you? John telling people you wear girl underwear to bed?” The flush on Squirrel’s face proved that he remembered each of the memories vividly, with the last one having… strange results in the bar. Panda nearly set two people on fire by the end of it, though somehow neither had been John. Each time, however, it was either Luke or Ryan that had come to Squirrel’s rescue, though Ohm refused to look into why that was.

“Just the other angels ribbing me about… uh-” The guilt in Squirrel’s eyes turned to Ohm for a moment before his back stiffened, which both Cartoonz and Ohm picked up on.

“About what, kid?” But the tease was gone in Luke’s voice, and Squirrel seemed to know he wasn’t getting out of the bear trap he walked into.

“They’re just saying I’m going to be the next Ohmwrecker.” To his credit, Squirrel tried not to say the name like a slur, or something to be ashamed of. But Ohm knew the truth about how the angels saw him; he was a disgrace to their kind, falling for a demon and letting himself become tainted. It didn’t matter that he’d helped save the world and kept all of them alive. Once the danger of Grigori was gone, their judgment and distaste in him returned. There was no salvation for his title, and he knew that.

But Squirrel was different.

“You need to listen to them.” He knew how intimidating his voice could become when he spoke with his shoulders set and eyes focused, even behind the red cloth. Ignoring the scowl that Cartoonz sent toward him, he poured his attention into Squirrel and continued. “This isn’t up for debate; if the angels are speaking of you that way, there’s only a matter of time before they begin to question your loyalty. You are putting yourself in a position to become compromised by the humans and if your soul becomes blackened or even shaded with their sins-”

“I don’t want to be like them.” The bold claim caught Ohm off guard, Squirrel showing his own form of fortitude when glancing to Luke and giving half a grin. “You two are the bad guys up there, but to me? You’re… kind of my heroes. So if they say I’m like you, I don’t really mind. It’s better than being warped into what the Council tries to make us all be.”

“They’ll kill you if they hear you say that.” Like a band-aid not ready to be ripped off, Ohm’s stomach clenched in pain when Satt’s memory seeped into his head, remembering the consequences of his independent actions. Siding with Grigori was heinous, but the Council’s ability to judge right and wrong when it came to angels always felt harsher than necessary.

“That’s probably true. But at least I’ll be going out happy with myself.” It was sombering to hear Squirrel’s ease at accepting his likely fate, seeming to know his place in the angel’s pecking order far more than angels twice his age. Still, his smile was bright, hiding the hint of tears and fear edging his eyes. “What a human thing to say, right? ”

“Fuck, why are you angels so dramatic?” Luke’s voice was quick to break the moment, his clawed hand dropping on Squirrel’s head again in order to catch both of their attention. His eye only glanced to Ohm for a moment before turning back to Squirrel, serious yet soft in its stare. “If you think I’m going to let the Council of aging up there kill you because you’re turning out to be a little too Ohm-ish for their liking, you can stop that stupid ass thought right now. I happen to like Ohm, if you haven’t noticed, so having more angels like him isn’t a bad thing.”

“Cartoonz,” Ohm spoke softly, but didn’t have much else to say in protest.

“So you keep being you, and let me handle those holier-than-thou chickens up there. If they wanna kill you, I’ll make sure they know they’ve gotta take me out first. You got that?”

“Got it,” Squirrel answered instantly, wings perking up at the wide grin Cartoonz gave before patting his head. It was a softer moment that, a year ago, Ohm would have never been able to predict. Cartoonz was not the demon hellbent on destroying the angel society as he’d been presented for years to Ryan, but the kind Luke he’d fallen for despite his demonic blood. And in moments like these, it was obvious how easily he had fallen from grace to be with Cartoonz.

“Ohm?” Blinking once, he looked up to catch Luke’s arched eyebrow. “You okay?”

“I’m okay.” He answered, surprised with how easily the words came out.

Because for the first time in a decade, he actually meant them.

#Libahunt #Libahunt drabblez #Ohmwrecker #DeadSquirrel #Cartoonz #Ohmtoonz #<3 #BBS #Crimson is on a roll??#fluffy goodness #please enjoy!#percylovesbluefood

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thefandomshavebrokenme · 5 years

Text

A Bruising Date- Bruise/Geodeshipping

Hey, everyone! This is the first Ninjago piece I've written that I've posted, and I'd love to hear what you think! Here we go!

Movie verse

Jay hummed to himself, debating whether or not to wear his scarf. Cole liked his scarf, right? For a moment, panic flared up in Jay. What if Cole hated Jay's scarf? It was a gift from his mom! Quickly, Jay shook off the thought. If Cole really hated your scarf, this would not be the first time you've thought about it, he told himself.

He decided to wear the scarf, thinking he could easily take it off if Cole really didn't like it. With that, Jay made his way to the top deck of the Bounty, exiting onto the dock and beginning the trek through the city to the park.

Jay and the other ninja had been staying aboard the ship for the past week. Master Wu had requested that they stay there in the aftermath of Meowthra.

They were going back to their parents in a couple days, but Cole had wanted to spend a day with his boyfriend before that happened.

Jay was flattered. He wanted to ask Cole out on a date, but he was too shy, the thought of it sending panic throughout him. He had managed to ask Cole out in the "will you be my boyfriend?" way, but vividly remembered how he'd burst into tears when he thought Cole had said no.

Jay shook his head to rid it of the memory. His cheeks flushed with distant embarrassment.

A metallic crash resounded, piercing Jay's thoughts.

Jay's heart began pounding, his head snapping to the source of the noise. He found himself looking into an alleyway - empty save for a couple of trashcans.

For a moment, the desire to investigate overwhelmed him. But I'll be late! Jay thought. He checked his phone. He had plenty of time! He had left the Bounty early so he wouldn't be late, a habit of his.

Jay ventured into the alley, an anxious feeling growing as he walked further back.

"Now!"

Jay yelped when something heavy suddenly landed on his back, forcing him to the ground. He did his best to wriggle out from underneath the weight pressing down on him. He had almost escaped until he looked up and a fist caught him in the face.

Jay cried out again, his face stinging from the blow. So there's two of them, he thought.

"Pick him up." A voice commanded.

The weight from his back disappeared for a moment. Almost immediately, there was a pressure on his right arm, followed by another on his left.

Jay began to fight against the holds on him, flailing wildly as he was lifted up and held in a standing position.

It was when Jay was able to look and see the two hands wrapped around both of his arms that he realized he had miscalculated the number of attackers. Three. There are three of them, Jay thought.

"Give us your money." The one giving the instructions said. His hair was shaggy and dark, framing his stubbled face. He had a knife out, pointing it threateningly at Jay. It was obvious he was the leader.

Jay looked at the man, every inch of him vibrating with panic. "I dont have any money." He said, voice small.

The leader made a tsk noise. "That's a shame. You see, around here it's pay or play." He spoke to his partners now. "I guess it's a play day, boys!"

The two holding Jay cheered. One of the hands holding him disappeared, but quickly found itself holding a knife to Jay's throat.

"So here's how it works. If you can fight us off, you leave. If you can't? Well...we might let you go eventually." The man to Jay's right laughed. "Ready? Go!"

The hands holding Jay were suddenly gone, freeing him. Before he could react however, his legs had been kicked out from beneath him. Jay fell forward, smacking his chin on the concrete.

Quickly, he rolled, grabbing one of the thug's legs and pulling. He went down with a shout, arms windmilling as he fell.

Bad idea.

The man was holding a knife, the weapon burying itself in Jay's arm as the thug fell on top of him.

Jay shouted in pain, smacking the man's arm to get him to release the knife. Eventually, he did, but by that time the other two thugs had made it to Jay.

A kick in the gut had the helpless ninja gasping, rolling onto his side and crying out as the movement forced the knife deeper into his arm.

The thug on top of him made it back to his feet, removing the knife from Jay's arm.

He hauled the teen to his feet, holding him up once again.

Blows were raining down upon Jay, fists connecting with his face, stomach, and anywhere else they could find to hit.

He did his best to break free, but couldn't. The panic and pain filling him prevented him from focusing enough to summon his lightning.

Jay kicked, his foot connecting with one of his attackers. They stumbled backward, but quickly came at him once again. Jay screamed as their knife entered his thigh.

The thug holding Jay let go, allowing him to fall to the ground. They kicked the boy while he was down, and it was then Jay realized how wet his face was from tears.

Jay wasn't sure how much time had passed as he was picked up, dropped, and used as the criminals' punching bag.

"Let's go, boys." The leader announced at last.

And then they were gone, leaving Jay alone on the pavement.

The sun had moved lower in the sky, taunting Jay with the fact he had missed his date with Cole.

Oh, FSM, Cole. Jay pushed himself to his feet, gritting his teeth against the pain. He stumbled, almost collapsing again with a sob. Cole's going to hate me! Jay thought despairingly.

After all, how could Cole not be mad at him? Jay had missed their date, and proven how worthless and weak he was. Cole was strong, he wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't defend himself.

Jay found himself crying again, his sobs making his body ache even more. I'll call Cole! He thought. I can explain everything! Jay reached for his phone. Gone. The thugs had stolen his phone.

Jay couldn't force himself to calm down, sobbing and breath hitching the more he tried.

I have to get back to the Bounty, Jay thought. It was the only coherent thought he could come up with.

So Jay began the trek back to the ninja headquarters. It seemed longer than the walk that had led to this situation, every movement agony. Jay tuned out the gasps of any people he passed, doing his best not to flinch at the sight of alleyways.

It was nearly dark when Jay made it back to the docks. Moving as quickly as he could, Jay limped aboard the Bounty, its deck barren.

When did the world get so spinny? Jay suddenly thought.

He felt himself sway. No! Jay told himself forcefully. I have to get to Cole. I have to explain everything to him.

Jay stumbled down the stairs to the lower decks. He could hear voices coming from the kitchen.

"Do you think he went to the wrong park?" It was Kai speaking. Jay almost sobbed in relief, never in his life so happy to hear his voice.

"There's only other park in Ninjago City, Kai. And we've both agreed to never go there again after the last time." Cole refuted.

Cole. FSM, how Jay missed him. Pushing through the overwhelming pain and black spots that had suddenly began to dance in his vision, Jay stumbled to the doorway of the kitchen.

"I just don't know why he would do that, Kai." Cole admitted, his voice aching with hurt.

Jay forced himself into the kitchen, the world tilting violently before his eyes. "Cole." He gasped.

Two heads snapped in Jay's direction, both morphing their expressions from one of surprise to one of horror in seconds.

"Jay!" Cole shouted, his voice panicked.

The world went dark.

~~~

Jay was in the hospital.

Cole stared at his boyfriend's unconscious figure in the hospital cot, his eyes lingering on the bandages wrapped around his arm.

The nurses had removed his IV a little while ago, reassuring Cole that Jay would wake soon and begin to recover nicely. Cole merely nodded, his mind still in shock.

Some strange form of guilt consumed him, gripping his heart and twisting it. When Jay had missed their date, Cole hadn't even considered it could be because he was hurt. Instead, he assumed Jay had forgotten or bailed or was sick of him. Not this. Cole never wanted it to be this.

Sadness began to wash away the guilt. Jay looked so small in the bed, his face developing bruises where he had quite obviously been punched. Cole wondered how his ribs were doing. The doctor had informed him that his attackers had broken some.

Cole reached forward, lacing his fingers through Jay's limp ones. He took a deep breath, trying to slow his racing thoughts. Cole couldn't suppress the memory of Jay stumbling through the door, his face beaten, his clothes torn and dark with blood from the stab wounds. It played on repeat, Jay's voice echoing in Cole's head.

"Cole." Jay had sounded so desperate, so full of pain saying his name. "Cole." Jay was falling to the floor, his eyes rolling back as he collapsed.

"Cole?"

Cole snapped out of his thoughts, feeling a squeeze on his hand. "Jay!"

Jay stared up at Cole, his eyes beginning to fill with tears. "Cole, I'm so sorry."

Cole was confused by what Jay meant, but it was pushed aside by his concern. "Jay, don't be sorry. You're in the hospital. You're going to be okay."

Tears slipped from Jay's eyes as he nodded. "I-I missed our date." He stated simply. Cole could hear the unspoken "do you hate me?" Knowing the thought was eating at Jay.

Cole did his best to reassure him. "That's okay. The park was super busy today, anyway. We wouldn't have had fun."

Jay started to cry harder. "I made you wait for me." He tried to move his injured arm to wipe away his tears. Jay flinched violently, pain crossing his features.

Cole made a shushing noise, moving his unoccupied hand to wipe away Jay's tears for him. "I'll always wait for you, Jay. I'm just glad you're okay. Nothing else matters right now."

Jay leaned into Cole's touch, sniffling. "Okay." He breathed.

A nurse entered the room then. "Mr. Walker? You're awake, good!"

Jay nodded, his breath hitching as he breathed in deeply. Cole and Jay unwound their fingers from each other's, allowing the nurse (Jessica Peters, Cole read) to do her job.

"Everything looks good!" She informed happily. The nurse frowned a little. "Are you willing to tell me what happened? It could be very beneficial to your recovery."

Jay nodded again, trying to push himself into a sitting position. He couldn't stop the little yelp of pain that escaped when he put pressure on his injured arm. Regardless, he sat up, reassuring Cole that he was fine.

"There were...these guys." Jay started, his voice shaky. "They jumped me in an alleyway, and they just...went to town. That's really the only way to put it."

Jessica nodded. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Mr. Walker. But you should be able to be released in a few hours, and then you can recover from home. That sounds nice, yeah?"

"Yeah."

~~~

Back on the Bounty, Jay dozed, his head leaning on Cole's shoulder as he sat in his lap. Cole ran his fingers through Jay's hair slowly, careful not to pull on the boy's tangled curls.

As he did so, Cole noticed Jay's breathing begin to increase, and a soft whimper escaped the smaller boy.

"Don't. Don't hurt me, please. Let me go!" Jay mumbled, terror in his voice.

Eyes widening, Cole shook Jay as gently as he could, trying not to touch his injured arm.

With a gasp, Jay woke up. When he realized where he was, he relaxed, turning to bury his face in Cole's neck.

"It's okay." Cole assured, resting his head on top of Jay's.

Jay sniffled in response, breath hitching.

"It's okay." Cole repeated firmly. "You're okay now. Everything's okay."

Jay nodded, listening to Cole's soothing words. "Thank you." He said at last.

Cole didn't bother responding with words, instead placing a kiss on the top of Jay's head. "I love you, Jay."

Jay flushed, still not used to hearing the words. "I love you too, Cole."

All was well.

#ninjago #ninjago jay #jay walker #ninjago cole #cole brookstone #bruiseshipping #geodeshipping #the lego ninjago movie #lego ninjago #my works

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thistle-system · 5 years

Text

"Characters Speaking" vs. DID

This is mostly just a personal post to get all my words about how I've been feeling lately out.

Recently I've been wondering if I'm just making everything up and I just have really close lucid characters I can feel the emotions and thoughts of and who get restless and have opinions about my real life situations as well as their own memories that I don't have, and occasionally feel like they're taking over my brain/body and piloting when I was stressed or couldn't handle specific tasks or even just because their favourite thing came up.

And then I say that stuff out to myself and the other day I felt Dallon go 'okay. Repeat that one more time and let me know where you kept thinking that any of that was fucking normal.'

But the thing is I thought it was at one point. I thought it was normal to be able to hear and see your characters vividly, to not be able to control them and for them to have certain jobs or emotions they might take over for you. It wasnt until I got closer to someone and started talking about how 'oh the one day I saw X thing and felt like Sils for the rest of the day' or 'man I wish Zair was here he's a lot better at writing papers/stories than I am' that they were like "...hey um you might wanna get that checked out."

And the thing is it wasnt all my characters right? I have some I can control, some that i came up with myself and created the appearance of myself and all that fun stuff. They dont speak to me and I can control what they say/their reactions.

Which is why I just thought the others were closer to me, they appeared to me or just showed up looking the way they did and sounding how they did with the memories or pseudomemories they did and that I could just have actual conversations/argument with them and I didnt even question it. It was all a big blurry line for me.

This doesnt really have a point other than getting my words out there, trying to understand. It's just...it's been a time solidifying communication, being dx'd and figuring out where it all split apart. And this doesnt even go into all my other symptoms that were probably red flags.

Bluh.

-M

#m text #personal text #did/osdd #woop woop

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artificialqueens · 6 years

Text

i just wanted to give you your coat back (ex-farrentina) - akita

A/N: thats a long title and i am sorry. this is very loosely based around helen oh helen by flatsound. i dont know if its farrentina or varrah for the shipname but i liked the sound of the former. this is a post break up fic and is technically also farraja. this fic gave me hell when i was writing it.

Valentina finds Farrah’s coat when she’s tidying up.

As the spring was coming to life, Valentina thought that a clear out was an apt use of her time. Cleaning her room, throwing out every sentimental possession that reminded her of the people she’d left behind, she stumbled upon something that she couldn’t distract herself from. It was a pastel pink, fluffy coat, one that had clearly been left and forgotten about. When she lifted it up, the mawkish cotton candy scent that clung to it hit her senses hard, despite it having begun to dwindle in its abandonment. Her fingers sunk deep into the cottony fur and left her awash with memory. This was Farrah’s jacket.

Her grip on it was grew so tight that her knuckles were whiting. She could feel the tears pricking in the corners of her eyes, and she tried desperately to blink them back. Farrah left this here the night of the breakup; she hadn’t thought to pick it up. In the three months since, she hadn’t called for it, and Valentina had hardly even noticed that it was there, having piled other things on top of it over time. There was no surprise that it went forgotten about. It was far from a peaceful split - they ended on shouting and crying, brought on by threats and accusations. The latter were largely from the suspicious brunette, whose doubts had been consuming her in the final weeks.

Out of all the things in life that she regretted, this was the one that gnawed at her unrelentingly. Sweet, whiny Farrah brought her so much happiness. She was loving and funny, and ironically, unrelentingly loyal. Yes, she had her moments where she flirted and toyed around with other girls, but that was all it was. And even when she made those accusations, Valentina knew that was the case. Consciously, rationally, Valentina knew that Farrah wasn’t cheating, and that she wasn’t the cheating type. However, jealousy was an ugly emotion. Her unfortunate possessiveness was what caused their clash, and ultimately, caused the break up.

Moving over to the edge of her bed, she slumped down, clutching the soft fabric of the coat to her chest and losing her fingers in the fur. The first time Farrah wore this was the first time she stayed here. All the intricacies of that night came to life in Valentina’s head, from the soft crumpling of the cotton quilt to the low rumble of cars on the road outside. Her girlfriend was afflicted with the tail end of a cold, and her breath had been falling in quiet rasps. They’d planned the night for so long that she was determined to show up, even if she was a little under the weather.

Blanketed only by dim moonlight that spilled through the curtains, Farrah had been drifting in and out of sleep, and her honeyed voice was limited to whispers by the pain in her throat. Her body was pressed flush against Valentina, her head on her chest, and she was kept close by an arm around her back. Her body was warm, and in the proximity, she could feel the rise and fall of her ribcage with every breath. The fingers of the arm around her gently kneaded the pink fuzz of the jacket, massaging into her side until the brunette could feel Farrah’s body melting into her own. She marvelled at the delicate sigh left her lips.

4am brought mumbles about the clouds they watched out of the open curtains, rolling against the black of the sky. She remembered vividly Farrah asking if she reckoned the clouds ever got lonely - she told her that they couldn’t, because the sun was always near. The giggle she got in response had made her heart skip then, and did so again as it echoed in her mind. Drowsiness played at the pair, and in the daze induced by the threat of sleep, their lips met for the first time, brushing softly and lazily over each other. Valentina swore she could feel the heat in her stomach from that night pooling there again in reminiscing.

The tears that threatened her were now rolling down her cheeks. She was sobbing as she buried her face into the garment, ignoring the irritation of the fibers as they clung to the damp of her face. With each heaved breath, the perfume that possessed the object lunged into her, the familiarity of the scent tearing deeper into the reopened wound. It felt like the claws of thought were coated in salt. In this moment, reminiscing desperately over her lost love and own mistakes, she wished she could have her back. If only she’d bit her tongue, then maybe things could have worked out.

Rekindling things wasn’t an option; Farrah was taken again already. In the wake of things falling apart, she took her quick uptake into a relationship as confirmation of her fears. It was Aja who she’d been scared of, who she’d been convinced Farrah seeing behind her back, who she was certain she was going to leave her for. And, only 2 weeks after the relationship ended, they got together. For that reason, Valentina was certain that she hated Aja. She didn’t really like them to begin with. They’d butted heads many times, but when the fear of them taking her girlfriend emerged, that set the loathing in stone.

Did she hate them now? No. But that didn’t mean she felt good towards them. All that anger had simmered down to exasperation at most. She’d seen online, and she’d heard in person, in the unfortunate situation that she was confronted with the happy couple, that Farrah loved them. They’d been together for only two months now, how could she call that love? That was hypocritical, and she knew it. Only a week in was she convinced she loved her, why should the standard be any different for Farrah? The whole train of thought worsened the sting.

She’d not spoken to her in a while now. They’d bumped into each other at odd times, when they were both out shopping or in passing while the other was at work. Conversation had been limited to uncomfortable hellos. Only once had she seen her with Aja, and when she did, they shot her a glare so harsh that she could feel the hairs on her arms stand up. It made her stomach flip when Farrah laughed about it, a sound once so sweet to her ears that was now coated in malice. After that, she’d done her best to avoid seeing either of them.

The garment in her hands was something that, though sentimental, she wanted rid of. In her mind, keeping a hold of an ex-girlfriend’s jacket was a little creepy, especially when she wouldn’t even keep it to wear. But throwing it out didn’t seem like an option. At one point, Farrah described it as her favourite thing. There would be no surprises if it was too tarnished with foul memories for her to think the same about it now. Reaching over for her phone, Valentina anxiously considered an idea that came to mind.

She still had her number - she still had all the texts. A sense of paranoia and self preservation mixed with a self destructive sentiment made her hang onto them. Maybe she would need receipts; maybe she would need a good cry, wine drunk at 4am on a Wednesday. The last thing Farrah sent was a ‘we need to talk.’ from the day that things finished. Absentmindedly thumbing the home button, she tried to decide if this was worth it. The worst thing that could happen would be that she was just told she didn’t want it. V: i found your coat. do you want it back? After what felt like the longest minute, she got a text in response. F: pink fluffy coat? V: yeah. F: sure. can you bring it now? V: of course. see you soon. x F: thanks.

Valentina was angry with herself for putting a kiss, but it was on autopilot. She hoped desperately that there wouldn’t be any assumptions made, but when she really thought about it, she doubted that would be the case. Farrah wouldn’t care about it - she didn’t need to. Tidying herself up a little, making sure she was ready to leave, she went on the short walk towards her ex’s house.

She knew the way like the back of her hand. If you asked her to, Valentina could probably draw a map of the streets, of every signpost, every bush, every tree. She never let Farrah walk home alone; she was too frightened of what could happen to her. It wasn’t like she herself would be particularly off putting to an attacker, but it still made her feel better. In the free hand that hung by her side, she felt the ghosting of another in it, but when she closed her fist, it was empty.

The flamingos on the front lawn watched her with spite. It felt like with each step, the lawn lights were glowing brighter and brighter until they felt overwhelming. At one point, this house as like another home, but when she reached the door, it felt sickeningly sterile and disjointed. The pink paint of the door once so vibrant in her eyes appeared to have taken on a greying look. Shaking the coat out, making sure the fur was falling nicely, she held it by the collar in one hand, and knocked the door with the other.

There was a bustling on the other side, the whisper of voices muffled by glass, and then, the door handle rattled. While Valentina hardly came with a speech in mind, her voice was caught in her throat when it wasn’t Farrah at the door. It was Aja. Aja, whose sneering face set her heartbeat into overdrive and made the tips of her fingers shake. They made her nervous 3 months ago, and they left her now with a mixture of fear and anger. Behind her, leaning against a cabinet with an uncharacteristically steely gaze was Farrah.

“The fuck do you want?” Aja took a step forward, and smirked when the girl stepped back. “I wanted to drop this off,” She extended the coat forward, avoiding eye contact. It was swiped from her grip, “She said I could.” “She has a name.” The words were spat chastisingly. “Farrah said I could bring it over. I found it in my room, I thought she’d want it back.” “Well, you’ve given me it, and I’ll give her it. You can go now.”

Valentina hesitated, though she took a half step back as they moved a little closer again. If she were a braver woman, perhaps she would have stood her ground. Perhaps she would have made a statement, demanded to give Farrah the coat back herself, demanded to speak with her and make amends. She wasn’t a woman of no confidence, but in this situation, she was not sure footed enough to execute a decent defense. She didn’t want to be the girl who humiliated herself begging to her ex in her front garden.

From the hallway, the pink haired girl stepped closer, to be near her partner’s side, looking over their shoulder to frown at Valentina. For a moment, she felt a little bit guilty. It had been a while since she’d last seen her, and with the depth of closeness that they’d shared, it wasn’t as if she didn’t think of her from time to time. Things ended horribly, and the accusations made towards her had hurt Farrah so deeply that the sight of the brunette used to turn her stomach. But now, faced with her at her door, empty handed and bleary eyed, she felt an ounce of pity.

That wasn’t enough for her to extend a hand. “Thank you for my coat.” The lacrymose words were chased with the slam of the door. She’d done what she’d came her to do, and now, Valentina headed home.

#akita #farrah x valentina #farraja #lesbian au #angst #sad #valentina #submission #rpdr fanfiction #break up fic #rare pair #s9

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hika-in-wonderland · 7 years

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weird soul journey? sure i guess

the beginning of the promised Many Posts..... if i even get to the rest of them

it’s not really tulpamancy, but i figured i’d bring it up here, cause some people follow my personal that don’t know anything about this and i have to keep up an image of normalcy. i started up meditating again on wednesday night, and for some reason rather than forcing, i went on some weird... soul-journey?

i think it has to do with, like, memories of a past life.

if you think it’s complete malarkey that’s whatever, but it might be fun for me to talk about and think about so if that’s the case i’d prefer you didn’t say anything. if you’re interested, here’s a cut for length that you can read beyond.

i was planning to do some active forcing to help niko out (he’s been shy, and quiet, and a lot of times hika has to repeat words that niko says to me to make him heard. they’ve both been good-natured about it, but i figure it’s my responsibility to give niko all the tools he needs to develop. and hika got plenty of active forcing in his early days.) but when i finally really relaxed and was able to hit the mental state which is really good for active forcing, i was sort of whisked away to somewhere else, almost without my choice.

it was kind of like there was an unseen force that was pulling me toward certain images, and after i saw the first one i was pretty hooked and wanted to see more. it was something that i’d dreamt before, an image of a forest at night, from above, with hundreds of thousands of fireflies slowly rising above the canopy of the trees. in the sky, the moon was full, and there was a constellation beside it: a serpent, jaws wide, trying to eat the moon. i remember that dream vividly, like i just woke up from it, and it was very short but it left me with a feeling of nostalgia and vague sadness. as if i was seeing an old home i hadn’t seen in a long time.

since that dream i’ve come up with a few theories about it, and sure some of them are a skeptic’s thoughts but my views on spirituality leave a lot of room for someone to have past lives, and to remember them. and that’s my favorite explanation, for a lot of reasons that i won’t go into detail about or anything but like...

this meditation session extended that dream-memory to something longer and more concrete. not only did i see what was happening, but i could interact with it. i could sort of move and travel around the area, and i had context. a part of me knew that this happened annually, that the serpent constellation tried to eat the moon every year and that, when he inevitably failed, the fireflies celebrated.

and then i remembered more. i remembered that the serpent was named Vada, and that i had met him once. he was alive, once, stark white and lightning fast, an unmatched hunter with potent venom and unmatched ability. when he died, he came to me. he challenged me to a game for his life, and i felt annoyed and confident (arrogant) and i agreed. i challenged him to hunt the moon, and if he succeeded he would be restored to life. but he only got once chance a year, and if he failed, he would be stuck in the sky for another year.

this was an interesting image, because like... why would i be the one that this hunter challenged after his death? i didn’t get the feeling that i was some sort of reaper or anything at all like that. I wasn’t that connected to death as a concept. i was a keeper of sorts, someone who immortalized or remembered creatures who left a mark on the world. i was also connected to stars, apparently with the power to put something in the sky as a constellation. maybe i was a constellation myself.

the longer i stayed in this image, the more out of sorts i started to feel. physically, i was sitting up straight and my shoulders were relaxed and my head wasn’t even tilted, but i felt like i had extra joints in my neck and like my shoulders were at a sharp diagonal angle. my arms and hands felt like they were stretched out to cup something in them, and it felt like i had extra limbs somewhere. it was honestly very scary, to feel like i was in a different body entirely, one that wasn’t even shaped vaguely human. it was jarring and strange and interesting. either it was an extremely detailed headworld that i summoned with a thought, or it was a dream, or it was some kind of memory, or a combination of some of those. i don’t really know.

there was a little more, but most of it was flashes of extremely intense emotion. finally, something happened that jarred me out of it completely, and i was back in my room, in my human body, everything normal and how it should be. i’ve been a bit wary to go back to meditation in case it happens again, because i got drawn in so quickly that i just... couldn’t leave. i had to see more.

i’ll try it again soon, and when i do i’ll actually get some active forcing done. i tacked on a little at the end, but i was so worked up that i couldn’t focus on it anymore. niko and i just hung out in the same space for awhile, and that was that.

i dont really know what to make of it, but it sure was fun.

- max

#i dont know what kind of tag to use for weird unbidden soul journeys #meditation adventures #that should do it

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smallblanketfort · 7 years

Note

do u feel comfortable talking about being homeless? if so could u talk a little bit about that experience?

i had been living in england and one of my dad’s coworkers did not like my dad. when it came to renew our visas, the coworker sabotaged the paperwork and didn’t tell us until 4 days before we would be illegal. we were couch surfing from september to february, in illinois, michigan, and kansas, and living out of a single suitcase. we had to leave our dogs behind. he sabotaged the papers more than than three times in that period. it was shit. i was in my freshman year of high school, and i was leaving behind everything that came with that, plus i had received a scholarship to do this dance testing and such, and so to miss that was also sucky.

i was never On The Streets, but the four of us would be living in one Really small cold room, wherever we happened to end up. i had so many nasty bug experiences lmao. my dad got a job unloading boxes at khol’s and between that and riding a crappy bike there (we didn’t have a car or anything), he ended up getting really sick. pro tip: dont work outside and ride your bike when it’s a chicago and michigan winter. he was supposed to be hospitalized, but we had no health insurance or money. he would pass out on the stairs in the middle of the night. my sister and i ended up getting it from him.

in a way i feel like depression helped me bc i didn’t have the energy to totally lose my mind. however, i think im still recovering in a lot of ways bc i built up such a wall between myself and my thoughts/feelings. it’s really hard for me to get in touch with that part of me, which makes it difficult to understand why i feel xyz and so it’s hard to talk myself out of things, bc my thoughts are often behind a block.

i remember this one time my aunt called us refugees, and it really rocked me. i’ve never felt that i could embrace that term, that the experience carried that much weight, but i remember it vividly and it impacts the way i view politics. more on that below.

other things that really saved me: nanowrimo. it gave me a distraction, something creative and demanding to do. i felt productive and driven.gratitude. it was a real exercise in needing to find ways in which god was providing for us. im thankful we didn’t end up literally on the streets.the library and starbucks. sounds stupid, but we could walk to this huge library with a starbucks across the street and we’d go to the library every day. my refuge. probably the last good memories i have of my dad and i were the times he’d sneak into starbucks and buy me drinks. we didn’t really have the money, so it was a big deal that he’d do that for me. other people were so generous. i thank those who opened up their homes to us, even if they didnt know us.

i really hate that this happened, but now i have a lot of empathy for refugees and the homeless. i firmly believe that the us of a needs to fulfill its duty of being a safe haven for those who need it, and i will always fight for those voices that aren’t heard. this country was built on refugees, and we cannot make modern refugees victims of our fear.

i actually have an essay over this entire ask that i’m preparing to send off for hopeful publication. who knows.

anyway, ye. if you have any other questions, let me know.

#anon

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withloveishi · 7 years

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Weight Watchers Got Nothing On My Anorexic Approach to Weight Loss

So, #bodypositivity amiright? I know some people know that I was anorexic (like 5 years ago), and very few people know what may story was, so I’m gonna relay that now. DISCLAIMER (kinda): If you think I’m doing this to get likes and pity, I’m not even going to drag you, cause you can go drag yourself. Honestly, fuck you.

In 2011, I was 75 pounds. WHICH doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you’re only 4 feet tall, you look like a walking minion or some shit. I was just living my life as a normal failing middle schooler, but it was around the end of sixth grade where I started to become really conscious of my weight and how i looked. Most of this came from some family verbal abuse of my weight, as well as not knowing how to be positive about my body. So, I began to loose the weight, but like really fast. We’re taking like the Flash being fucking electrocuted fast. During the Summer of 2012, my family did a lot of hiking, so I took advantage of the exercise. My thought process was (and this was when I was not educated in how fucking nutrition works), to burn a lot of calories with a lot of walking, then eat like nothing. To give some perspective, my family and I would start hiking around 10 AM, then come back at around 4 PM, and all I would eat that entire day would be a slice of bread and a bowl of rice. Any sort of hunger pains I had felt, I would just sleep away. Initially, it was really hard to feel that hungry and keep living, but after like a week I got so addicted to how happy I felt to loose so much weight, and to “be less fat”. Even at home, I would limit myself to one bowl of rice a day and like some sort of salad without dressing.

Just like every one of these stories, it doesn’t get better quite yet. After about a month and a half, I had lost about 13 pounds off of my 4 foot body, and I because really addicted to seeing how skinny I had become. I vividly remember measuring how far my stomach caved in under my rib cage. But just because I was addicted to it doesn't mean I was happy with my body. I still hated the way I looked and felt. But I felt like at this point, I was too far in to the process to give up and just start eating again. Also at this point, my parents started to bully me at how awkward I looked now that my “head was way to small for my body”. Instead of realizing that I was probably anorexic, they continued to bully me, just on the flip side.

After about a year of trying to loose weight by being anorexic, my mom took me to go see a nutritionist (I think after about a year she was catching on), who basically confirmed that I was massively underweight. She basically told me to eat more, which I refused to do at first. But then soon go tired of trying to be hungry day in and day out, and slowly began to incorporate more food into my diet.

I realized much later on that, the fuel that kept me going to do this crap every single day to myself was not how fast I was loosing the weight, but what flaws I could find that I had not already corrected. Even after one and a half months, I could not get a thigh gap (why the fuck is this even a thing), and my face wasn’t at 90 degree angles at the jawline.

To this day, I still have times where I just won't eat things because I think I look a little of the fat side. And it takes constant reminding of myself just to eat. The willpower I had to not eat, back when I was anorexic, hasn't left me. When I stoped being anorexic, the mindset and all of the things I felt with never left. Its not like you just stop being anorexic, and you wake up the net day like “OMG old body, new phone who dis”, like thats not how that works. All of the bullshit you dealt with, whether that be emotions or memories, never go away. I think working my way out of my habits started with me first dealing with my emotions and trying to not rememberer the feeling of being hungry.

If you read anything in this post, read this (the actually interesting part of this and not the bullshitty sappy paragraphs). People become anorexic for many different reasons. Mine was because I hated my body and how it looked. And because of that, I thought changing the way my body looked would therefore change how I would feel. I realized that now it was a terrible idea, but also that I didn’t surround myself with people that gave a shit. And i think not being around d those people impacted me both in a positive and negative way. I because stronger and realized what it felt like to overcome something with my own fortitude, but also, I took me a long ass time and feeling shitty about my self to then feel like that. Now more people are spreading the message of being body positive, but even with that, the world can be degrading, even in the most innocent ways possible. Like people who are like 90 pounds with abs are calling themselves fat, and don’t you think thats also a problem (maybe I should write about it i dont know)? But most importantly, if you hate yourself, that’s a much deeper issue than changing the way your body looks. It doesn’t matter how fats you make it happen, or how much money you invest to make it happen. If you hate yourself, you won't ever be happy with yourself until you deal with your emotional bullshit first. It took me a year and a 900 calorie diet to realize that.

TL;DR: It’s so much easier to say “I love myself” then to not eat and oreo.

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