#i dont think I'll be able to stop hating it because i dont enjoy a single thing the movie does | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lifmera · 2 months

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Hello! I saw you do matchups so I wanted to request one!! I'd like to request a Hazbin Matchup. If you can't get to me that's quite all right, take you're time!

I'm 18, my pronouns are She/Her, and I'm Pansexual. My favorite color is yellow. My zodiac is Saggitarius (December 21st). I'm 5'3" (short/average).

I am an actor (mainly a stage actor). I love to sing, paint (abstract cause its more forgiving), and cosplay (a lot).

I talk a lot. Some say too much and I was often bullied for it. I curse like a sailor. My teachers are sick and tired of my foul moth they don't even say anything anymore lol. Im very social and like making friends, though i dont have many. But i still try and be a friendly presence and someone people can feel confortable around. I have anxiety as well. I'm super clumsy its actually ridiculous. My family gets nervous everytime I'm near stairs, and I have a scar next to my eye from being so clumsy (I tripped and fell into the corner of a coffee table and bashed my face next to my eye. After my stitches were taken out and it healed, I tripped and fell again, bashing my face into a doorknob in the exact same place 🙃). I'm a danger to society from just how much I fall :) but I'm getting better at catching myself.

I like anime and video games (mainly indie horror [Batim, DDLC (is DDLC indie??), Poppy Playtime, Fnaf, and others.]), and D&D.

I also love musical theatre :)

I'm kinda sensitive as well so please be nice to me. I have an insane fear of Needles and Dogs (which Is super unfortunate). I like fruity flavors over chocolate when it comes to candy.

I hope this is enough info to help you figure out who to match me with :) if not you could just respond and say it's not enough and I'll give more :)

Thank you so much :)

Hey Hun!!

You might hate me, or love me.. BUT..

I’ve paired you with.. ADAM!

Dont hate me.. i love him..

He would definitely force you to act for him. He’d enjoy it so much. And honestly he’d want to play with you!!

He loves your paintings, at first he didn’t really understand why… but when he saw the final product, he loved it!

He’d also force you to cosplay for him.

He’d be like .. “could you cosplay a cute cat girl..? Please? 🥹” (you could kick him in the balls its ok.)

He would bully you, AT FIRST. I think if you confided in Adam he genuinely would stop. He already lost two wives, it probably took him a lot to even bag someone.

Adam seems like a dick head but he would do anything for his s/o.

He would love that you curse like a sailor. You guys would cuss other people out like its a job.

He loves that you are friendly with other people, but holy shit this guy would be POSSESSIVE.

Especially after how clumsy you can be??

This guy is by ur side 24/7. On ur ass like its his LIFE MISSION

Hes definitely a clingy man.

You can talk to him about anything, but just as long as you are able to listen to him too. He just talks ssooo much.

Although like i said, hes pretty much an asshole, he’d get better for you.

He will change for his s/o, because if anything, if he loses another one? Thats just… 😅

He would totally feed you sweets and fruits though, he loves them too!

~~~~

PLEASE DONT HATE ME 🥲🥲🥲

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starseverance · 5 months

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sorry i hope you dont mind that i rant for a moment, i try not to complain about antis too much because i feel like id be no better than them to do so. be the bigger person, as they say.

but. i cant lie that it is so annoying at the amount ive seen lately, and is it just me or are they extremely dramatic? one of my favorite artists that i look up to made a post about how they found out one of their friends wer proship, and word for word said "it made me feel nauseous, my heart stopped and i was sent into tears." like maybe its just me but that is so overdramatic, it made me lose some respect for them.

another example was this silly drawing of killugon (two fictional children, literal lines on a screen) and someone said they were terrified. that "seeing such sickening pedophilic content being so readily available online makes me want to throw up." like they?? were just under mistletoe in the pic??

i dunno ive just. its become hard to enjoy anything on the internet anymore because it seems like theres more and more people like that coming out to say nonsensical, empty-minded, overreactive things.

sorry for ranting in your inbox, i just dont have any friends im able to talk to about this hgfhg,, if this kind of ask isnt wanted just let me know. i hope youre doing well!

Hi hi Anon! I don't mind you ranting at all, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to complain about things like this.

I think that the reaction of that artist to their friend being proship speaks to the anti mentality. I'm not the person to go all into how cult-like antis are, but I'll say that it's really awful how these (misguided) beliefs end up mattering more than friendships.

The part that really gets me is the need to be performative about it, the need to loudly declare "I am disgusted by this bad thing! This thing is bad and must be destroyed! I am a good person!" Sometimes this need to assert moral superiority is personal, sometimes it's because they don't want to be ostracized by their group; but either way, I agree that it gets annoying.

I'm sorry that this is making it harder for you to enjoy being online. It's a shame that the loudest people tend to be the most hateful ones. I can only hope that some of these people eventually mature enough to (at the very least) let other people enjoy things.

#sev's thoughts #asks #ask answers #discourse

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dennisboobs · 6 months

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i know peace bc ive never used twitter it seems like ur torturing urself a bit

yeah. but honestly if i can make like. one person stop fucking harassing glenn i'll take it. idgaf about these idiots qrting me trying to make fun of me, i don't want them anywhere near my twt (free blocklist) and they'll forget about it in an hour anyway. but some people have seemingly genuinely thought about it and agreed after a little pushback. it's mostly a bunch of teens who want to be edgy or think glenn has no feelings because he's a C list celebrity with a nice house. i don't think many people bother trying to push back against the accepted culture over there and most of them seemingly don't even think about it. i don't know why but twitter culture just. expects you to be incredibly fucking rude to celebrities on principle even if you like them. and this is. encouraged. and applauded. i think its disgusting, and ive been on the receiving end of parasocial relationships that had people getting overly invested in me and my friend, completely fucking obliterated any boundaries and speculated about our genders/sexuality/relationship so its. kind of personal. i hate to see it and i can empathize with glenn to a degree. especially when like. you compare other clips of him at cons or even on the podcast where he's WAY more reserved talking too deeply abt queer shit vs those encounters with fans, the guy was having the time of his fucking life with a bunch of superfans who let him know how much they care about his work. i really, really wish that we were on our best behaviour and a bunch of fucking 15 yr olds who have never been called a slur a day in their life and don't know the weight of their words weren't creating a hostile space for both sunnytwt and for glenn. why do you, as a fan, not want to be able to interact respectfully with someone you admire? why do you not want to treat him as a human being? like there's a difference between deifying a celeb vs being fucking respectful. it's not like this is elon musk it's fuckin. glenn. like he is so. just a guy. treat him like one. i can't help but feel bad when 90% of what he sees from fans are people in the comments of his posts bullying him. like why would you not want this man to know how insane he makes you on a daily basis. why are you so afraid of expressing genuine emotion that you have to harass him. bc its cringe to say you like sunny? that's the extent of his fucking interactions with fans. of course he's stoked to talk to fans who have actual love for the show. he probably never fucking sees it. and you know. its frustrating to see people who were THERE. interacting with him in person. now doing this shit. my own mutuals were doing that shit. i follow like 6 people on sunnytwt. its just. accepted. idk. i don't know how to phrase this in a way that makes sense but if you enjoy glenn's interactions with the fandom so much maybe dont fucking push him away. if there are a bunch of ppl qrting his old tweets with what seems like actual literal hate. idk. id start deleting if i were him. like there are just zero fucking boundaries and it makes me mad. why would you do this shit when you could take advantage of him being accessible and tell him how much sunny + dennis means to you instead.

#ask ada

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not-souleaterpost · 11 days

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ENTP CRONA DUMP

Not going back on my word, just forgot to post a dump of "ENTP Crona" stuff I planed to just post all at once in a year, but after trying to stop doing stuff like that, I just thought I post what I had and be done with it.

, the thing even I don't really find funny, but I think I have to do it to get it out and book end it. A lot of it isn't really funny, some of it may sound a bit edgy or abrasive, but it's just in good fun, still putting it under the "keep reading thing" because of the amount and shittyness of the "content" Enjoy or yeah...sorry

ENTP Crona experiencing a soul rejection, screaming in agony because of not being able to deal with figuring out if "video games are art" or "video games aren't art" is the more contrarian oppinion at the moment

ENTP Crona reading shizophrenia symptoms on google "Wow, he is literally me"

ENTP Crona fleeing into the desert, going down a hole to cry

Ragnarok "Wait, the cow already killed Medusa a year ago, why we doing this bitch shit again?"

ENTP Crona "I posted a deliberately controversial and edgy meme into the group chat again, when they all see it, I wont be able to deal with how angry everyone will be..."

Soul: "You cant just nonstop spam shit on the internet, people will think you don't have a life"

ENTP Crona: "But I kinda don't..."

Soul: "Still writting on every single subject for 10 hours straight must be tiring and exhaustive, take a break"

ENTP Crona: "But I wrote everything in the last 5 minutes

Soul: "Heh, dont like partys either? Guess reading the room can be stressful even for somebody as cool as me sometimes-"

ENTP Crona "No, I can read it just fine, just then choose to say the thing that sets the roof on fire and regret it five seconds later.

ENTP Crona trying to figure out if Maka subscribes to the theory that Holden is a child abuser himself in "The Catcher in the Rye", only if yes, to arguee that not even the creep teacher was one and it is a misreading, and its actually about idk, read it in school so cant even come up with an explantion.

ENTP Crona trying to cheer up a crying Maka, after she got made fun of for liking bad music by Soul

"No, I like Speeding bullet 2 heaven too! Well except the Beavis and Butthead skits, even I am not that contrarian"

ENTP Crona curled up in the corner of the dark dungeon, not able to face the world, cause liking Ringo Star is to mainstream now but changing to hating him is just too painful...

ENTP Crona after everyone gets confronted with their lives just being fiction

"Well actually I prefere the anime ending"

But after mostly everyone agrees

"But, actually the manga works in a certain way afterall-"

ENTP Crona during the anime only scene where Maka and Crona talk about Maka's mom - its the same scene lol, remember those 4th wall breaking snide comments Crona barely managed to not blabber out loud lol

ENTP Crona "Marvel movies were allways bad"

Marie "Oh you aren't dumb and incompetent!"

ENTP Crona "Why did it took me 8 hours to put together the IKEA table?"

Marie "Oh dont be to hard on yourself, screwing in the table legs upside down could happen to anybody!"

Maka confronting Medusa: I'm here to save ENTP Crona and Mary!

Medusa: Nah, they both are still stuck in the maze going in circles

ENTP Crona after a tourist asks for directions in Death City: "I'll be honest, even though I am living here for years now, I myself cant deal finding my home without google maps"

ENTP Crona "I'm the Joker, baby! (Jared Leto version)"

ENTP Crona "-oh so a glorbo, or smol bean, cinamon bun is a charachter like Paulie from the Sopranos!"

ENTP Crona after trying to read "Finnegans Wake" "Damn, thats how high I still have to climb..."

ENTP Crona watching X:RA "Wow, I actually get 90 percent of the wordplay! This show is great!"

MGMT Patty : "Time to pretend..."

*ENTP Crona visualising all the different ways to take out and kill the people around*

Ragnarok "And I thought I was the psychopath! We aren't even eating souls anymore, whats guipi wrong with you?

ENTP "Grocery shopping is boring and I thought about the 3 different storys I'll never write down enough for one hour..."

ENTP Crona "-and that's why the metodology that is used to diagnose diseases by only relying on a checklist of data points that may have many different origin points is flawed

Stein "I am the doctor with 10 years experience, take your antibiotics prescription and get out!"

Stein, litting a cigarete after ENTP Crona goes out after apologising "Damn, the kid may be right, shit..."

ENTP Crona be like "Actually, I think Epstein is still alive"

ENTP Crona "Yeah Myerrs brigs and Horrorscopes are the same... Because they both actually are describing something and aren't completly wrong, if you know you know...

ENTP Crona actually getting a tatoo even though it is a stupid thing to do in general, because thats the only way to remember Maka's birthday. Cause aint nobody remembering more than 4 digits...

ENTP Crona using all experience and time to reflect, to start a dramatic uplifting speech that leads into Maka defeating the Kishin with a punch- Ah wait thats just what happened in the anime again lol

ENTP Crona: "I wore a dress for most of my life, yet that is not as embarassing as riding on an electric scooter"

ENTP Crona "Oh ofcourse I'm to scatterbrained and lazy to actually finish a webcomic, that's why I included an in universe callout by a charachter, so I will stay motivated out of spite and want of being better than those, proving the mean pixels wrong!"

ENTP Crona: -the setting being the aftermath of a nuclear testing site is a brilliant synedoche of our society pre and post world war 2, how the atomic age is nearly unrecognisable, being both so much more advanced that previous incarnations do not even look human in retrospect, while exagerating ourselfs into cartoon versions of ourselfs do to paranoia and stereotypes, shared faster and faster, that we soak up like Sponges, being the perfect worker and consumer in one - in a way thats Rock Bottom, the breakdown of communication, only restored by recognising the humanity of the other, even if they look at us with even more potent disgust than we already do.

Maka: Wait, I thought these iceberg videos were just supposed to list of fun facts and triva about Spongebob

ENTP Crona: What gave you that idea, Maka?

TERF Maka: I STILL hate J K Rowling

EC: "Borat is racist-"

M: "No the joke is that he exposes the prejudices of the common american person-"

EC "against Kazakhstanis"

M: "No no- wait... you are right..."

EC: "If MF Ghost was with the culture, it would have used Phonk instead of Eurobeat"

EC: "Where the fuck is Marioh Judah?"

*EC annoys excalibur into quitting*

EC :"Im like prince, everybody thinks In gay but actually im homophobic-"

EC: "Non-cellular phones actually had their purpose - like if somebody called them, you would either know nobody is home, or the person who answered could either inform you where the one you are calling is if you didnt reach the person or just find them - also the fact it was in the same spot ment nobody lost it and could allways find it when needed and it never ran out of battery, also-"

M: "If you don't like the phonecase I gifted you just say so...

R: "Dude, dont we still use mirrors for comunication"

EC "Think Im constrained by the limitations of canons?"

TRAD Tsubaki "Well they didn't make a sign of the cross in the church, so they kinda deserved being slayn by Ragnarok..."

M "Hey you are looking down, everything ok?

EC "Thanks for caring, but the thing is, to explain it all, all the connections and reasons and evidence would make me just look more weird and whiny, and this all, including the fact that I cant even say why I cant say without being whiny and long winged is part of it...

EC "I used trouble not descending into negative loops of self pity and disgust with myself and the world... But then I just developed a hyperfixation on not-having-hyperfixations"

???? Death: IDK

EC *reading the bible* "It even predicted people obssesing over lolcows with the whole golden calf story, damn...

EC: Rip Kissinger

EC: Slouching? No, I'm just posture-divergent

EC: I do love myself - one has to love even their biggest enemy...

EC in the future:

M: Are you really ready for children?

EC: I accidentally watched a trailer for despicable me 4, and after hearing all the pandering 80s song and repetitive family hinjix humor I just thought "Oh, how cozy would this be to watch with my Kids and Wife!"

So yeah, I CAN deal with it

#ENTP Crona #Crona #Soul Eater #Au #Soul Eater Au #worst thing I ever came up with #this is it #besides iceberg uploads and links #also by the end I abriviate entp crona to ec #includes a few bonus four letter modifiers for other charachters....

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corvidcall · 8 months

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the way people act like the people youre sexually attracted to is some sort of praxis is really annoying for a lot of reasons! because like, yeah, when people say that a whole marginalized group isnt hot, its usually informed by some sort of bigotry, either implicit or explicit. are black women not hot, or have you just decided that every black woman looks and acts the same, and that anything outside of eurocentric beauty standards is "ugly"? would you actually hate dating a fat man, or have you just made a lot of assumptions about what kind of person they must be because of their body, and decided that was at odds with your own interests? you say you wouldnt date a trans woman because you "dont like men" and you're "not interested in penises", but youre just assuming that every trans woman is just a cis man in a dress, which is absolutely not true! OBVIOUSLY prejudice influences peoples attraction

but also like... you cant frame it as a direct expression of someones morals. some parts of what you're attracted to will change throughout your life, but a lot of it is baked in and cant really be changed, even if you might want it to! i mean, thats why conversion therapy demonstrably doesnt work. if youre a person who is really into. idk. vore or bdsm or redheads. even if you decide that actually thats immoral to be into, you're not really gonna be able to stop being attracted to it because sexual attraction isn't really something you get to sit down and CHOOSE. if youre not into anthro animals, theres no amount of sitting down and working on yourself that will convince you to start getting a boner at furry porn.

and then theres the obvious other problem, that being attracted to certain qualities or traits or demographics doesnt even mean that you actually have their best intetests at heart? racists date POC. fatphobes date fat people. misogynists date women all the fucking time!!!!!

i think your tastes are heavily influenced by your environment and your values, obviously, but you cant act like its a pure expression of your values. personally, as a fat person, i dont like people saying that not being attracted to my body is solely because of prejudice you need to unlearn. being attracted to my body isn't homework! it's not vegetables! it's not a thing you need to start doing because its Good For You whether or not you enjoy it! if you dont like my body, thats fine. the thing thats fatphobic is if you TELL ME that you think all fat people are unattractive, even though nobody asked what you thought, and we were talking about me specifically and not all fat people en masse. you can find me unattractive without being a fatphobe. the problem lies in using your lack of attraction to me as an explanation for why youre a fatphobe, or using it as a criticism of me personally. like you not being attracted to me is something i need to change about myself

anyway the actual point i wanted to make was that the worst part of this kind of rhetoric is that it makes it really hard to hornypost without people acting like im advocating for specific actions people MUST take about their own bodies :/ I'll be like "i think transfems with deep voices and who dont really pass well are incredibly sexy" and people will crawl out of the woodwork to be like "oh you think its WRONG for transfems to pass?? you think it's IMMORAL for them to do voice training? you think none of them should EVER get FFS or laser hair removal?????" like... no! i never said any of that shit! just because i think something is hot doesnt mean i think its wrong and bad to not do it. not everyone should make all their decisions based on what i think is hot. no one should, in fact. just because i think its cute when people have crooked teeth doesn't mean i want to criminalize braces. doesnt even mean that i dont think people who have straight teeth are hot. please just let me be horny in peace 😭😭😭

#anime life #people shouldnt make decisions based on what i think is hot because that would be weird #and that would be giving me way too much power and influence over your lives #just because i think mildred thoughtslime is a 10/10 babe

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grimescum · 4 months

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ok fine (i say to nobody because nobody asked me for this)

HEADS UP i speak about some of these as if im like. dissecting the actual meaning of the song... thats not true idk why i decided to phrase it like that. i meant that this is how the songs relate to him in my head but. i dont feel like fixing it

and ive got crazy brain fog here we fucking go

baba yaga - nilfruits is, in retrospect, a pretty loose fit considering its actual meaning, which i didn't figure out until AFTER i associated it with walter. so. :P blehh

the MV shows a young girl, easily impressionable and desperate for validation, being lured into a building with compliments and promises of being something great. she's then continually groomed (into dancing, presumably for free or next to nothing, as well as murder??) using that same validation

... or somehign idk POINT IS i know generally what its hinting at and it doesn't fit w how i see walter

brutus - the buttress reminds me of what walter might've thought about alucard right before his betrayal as well as everything that came afterwards. verse 1-3 is from the perspective of old walter,

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wishing / For untimely death or demise / Or am I just wishing I could be like you?

envy is a feeling very familiar to me. even with the people i love most, if they're more liked or better off than me in any regard, i might have moments of extreme hatred towards them. it always passes, but in the past i've acted on those feelings impulsively or in a moment of lapsed judgment..

all of that was to explain how i see his betrayal, basically. him reacting in shock when seras tells him she enjoyed his presence was def the "oh i fucked everything up" moment, and him continuing on regardless could've been apathy that i also tend to feel after I've also fucked up; i think he's mentally protecting himself against the trauma of losing basically all he had in the moment. also just. yk. he probably thought since he went this far he might as well. but 1. he still could've just stopped 2. shhhh

verse 4 is from the perspective of dark! walter,

Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy / I too have a destiny / This death will be art / The people will speak of this day from near and afar

This event will be history / And I'll be great too / I don't want what you have / I wanna be you

and the outro would be during walter's defeat, though that's usually when my daydream stops since the lyrics don't match up well enough ell oh ell

scapegoat - ghost and pals mostly for the chorus.

Now do you hate me? / Are you afraid of me? / Are you able to feel culpability? / Come forth and kill me / Bow down and worship me / Take your time, all we have is eternity

Now with a new start / Broken and torn apart / Nothing in me resembles a human heart / My name is unknown / Something I've never told / On my own, I declare / "I don't wanna go home"

i see this from the perspective of dark! walter, with some lines being both literal and metaphorical. i see "all we have is eternity" and "now with a new start" to be literal in the sense of his turning. "my name is unknown, something i've never told" is metaphorical, representing him lying about his true thoughts and feelings, maybe not even having a good idea himself. also a nod to lack of identity issues in bpd. "Nothing in me resembles a human heart" is both literal and metaphorical since he's no longer human, but he's also lost the ability to care for those around him now that his plan is already in motion.

appetite of a people pleaser - ghost and pals is pretty self-explanatory but I'll point out some lyrics i think fit well anyway,

Give me your dire expectations, and I’ll consume perfection

Now that I’ve become a full-course identity / Take a bite of me / I hope that I’ve become a favorable delicacy / That I’m worth something

I’ll eat ‘em all, the thoughts of anyone I’ll ever meet / Just to make them happy / Wondering why I’m a burden, or so it seems / Aren’t I everything?

These flavors of personality are / Hindering my likeability / My impulsive desire, my appetite has / Spoiled my urge to satisfy / Everyone will like me more without it

copycat - circusP hardly even counts here but i'll add it anyway. listening to this song gave me the headcanon that whenever he realized he subconsciously picked up a behavior or habit from alucard, seras or integra, he'd feel an intense guilt for it. thats also bpd related btw i used to do that and still do to a lesser extent

ok im bored that's it

#flea talks #walter c dornez #hellsing #my eyebal itch

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timothylawrence · 2 months

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OK P4 thoughts.... now that it's been like 18 hours...

overall... solid 8.5/10. i loveee murder mysteries

the dynamic between the characters carried the game more than anything

multiple moments where I laughed out loud so s/o to the writers

AND despite guessing the big twist from day one, I was pleasantly surprised by various other twists and turns in the story so yay :)

never before has a silent protagonist literally swayed my heart in such a way Yu Narukami you are my angelll

ok spoiler-y review below :)

okay. serious review time but keep in mind im fasting so like these are the rambles from that. i'll start with the positives :)

did not believe jordan when she said i would be adopting these children by the end yet here i am. every single character you met had such a sweet and profound relationship and dynamic with one another... it was so so sweet. truly the high point of the game is how the characters interact. Yukiko and Chie, Rise and Naoto, Rise and Yu, Teddie and Yosuke, Naoto and Kanji... even Yosuke and Yu..... like they were all so so so wonderfully crafted with one another... AND RISE WAS THE SHINING STARRRRR

Dojima and Nanako.... the way i thought they wouldn't have such a big role and then by the end i was crying . yeah. big bro . i love u .

I KNEW IT WAS ADACHI!!!! I LITERALLY CALLED IT FROM DAY ONE!!! DAY ONE!!!! I just couldnt stick why he was choosing the teenagers,.... hence why the twist with Namatane was so fucking good. S/O to Jordan and Fil who had to listen to me scream about how he was the killer without being able to shut me up.

Okay but in all seriousness Teddie becoming human was like the wildest part of the game like did no one else go ??

The soundtrack bangs. to be expected.

Yosuke's SL was my favorite... i dont know how teary eyed i got but whew. it was teary. the ending scene on the grass... yea... yea...

man. the icon. the star. Yu Narukami. I NEVER thought I would like the protagonist, at least not more than "he's cool", and yet by the end I was more sad than anything to say goodbye to him!!! i had so much joy playing as him, he was so funny, so loyal, his dialogue options we're just phenomenal. He felt like a real character in his own world despite never even talking. I think I'll miss him the most/

ok time for the bad stuff:

okay like atlus why do you do this thing where you create such a good amazing storyline about humanity and what makes you you only to drop the ball and opt to make things creepy or some form of phobic !!! like WHY!!!!!!!

Kanji's treatment was actually vileeeee . I hate how they chickened out in the last moment because instead of having a whole discussion abt homophobia internalized and otherwise you've just created a homophobic ass arc in the game that serves no purpose. like UGH. just go the full mile!!! go !!! let him understand there's nothing wrong wit him being gay!!! stop backing out!! You quite literally would've had a near perfect arc if you just went that extra mile and didn't make things weird !!!

also naoto........ don't even wanna trudge into the discourse here but he/him Naoto is where I stand idk. his story kinda felt really similar to my own when i was in my teens but... again...Atlus...

hey atlus can you make ONE game where there isn't 10 scenes of teenage boys being creeps or has some form of teenage fan service. please.

rlly sucks that i cant reccommend this game without caveats because atlus is.... ugh. but yes. i did enjoy it. it has some moments that are genuinely uncomfortable and made me go :///. but i can fix things as is my will as a writer etc etc.

yeah i think thats what i have for now. i loved playing this game but i think i'll love thinking abt it and plotting even more..... <33333

#ewbie.txt #ewbie p4 liveblog #if anyone has more questions or comments... hmu... i havent stopped thinking abt this game man

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mariam246810 · 1 year

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i believe in genshin and klint friendship supremacy (as shown in numerous amounts of your art) i also just love your art so much! its so much good content with representation of these underrated characters, (along with others like yuujin, jigoku, etc) you should tag the character names in your posts so its easier to find your art! it'll help your art get more recognition

anyways gushing aside, how do you suppose klint and genshin react to kazuma and ryunosuke being friends during the whole events of Resolve? and all friendship, angst, all the fun stuff

Thank you very much , glad you enjoied my art and depiction of these charecters.

I used to tag characters' names before but I stopped because my art kept appearing at the beginning of google searches which I hated (though that was before the game was localized so maybe since more English-speaking fans are here now my art won't appear as much. Maybe I'll try to add their names in the next few posts and see what happens )

(i can't say that I've ever really thought so deeply about Ryuu's and Kazuma's friendship so sorry if this was surface level)

So before I start talking about klimt's and genshin's reaction to the two I want to make a few things in the timeline of my ghost klimt and genshin au clear.

-after genshin's death both genshin and klimt were in England for like a month.

-when miko and jigoku left,ghost genshin left with them (looking after karuma which was in mikotoba's care for the time being)

-when they arrived to japan genshin started looking after his son and wife -who followed him soon after- while klimt looked after his brother and doughter in England for like the next few years

-kazuma was a social person so ryuu to genshin seemed like any freind of kazuma's until...

- during the 1-2 incident genshin knew kazuma wasn't dead because well, he hadn't become a ghost. He had to decide on whether to look after karuma or his son. He chose kazuma of course and was with him during all that time that he suffered from memory loss .

-on the other hand ,klimt during 1-3 recognized the katana on ryuu's side but neither genshin nor his son was there. he investigated a bit and he was able to put a few pieces together. Genshin's son was a friend of ryuu but he died on the ship.

-it wasn't until vortex introduced the masked disciple to barok that Klimt and genshin met again after almost 10 years. They filled each other in the information the other didn't know. (I drew a comic of their meeting but I think I've never shared it here

(i dont remember wether kazuma intented to harm gregeson or not. Either way, genshin can't read his mind he only sees his actions and hears the words he says, and well to him it seemed like his son was about to commit murder )

-during the final cutscene in 2-3 genshin was happy to see his son regain his memories back. But that also meant that he now remembers his mission

- during the last cutscene where kazuma and ryuu crossed their swords

#Thank you anon for the question !#dgs2 spoilers #dgs 2 spoilers #tgaa2 spoilers

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kingofpolynya · 6 months

Text

Burnout or love?

Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..

Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.

The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.

However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?

I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.

Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.

I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?

I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.

#updates #burnout #tw disordered eating

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certified-anakinfucker · 1 year

Note

Hee hoo 13 and MIZ

(send me a spotty wap number + char and i'll do a drabble abt it)

13 - Kaisarion | HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME EXPERIENCE EMOTION and hi welcome to me and my bullshit writing style

It is the sound of another deadline Whistling past your ears It is the sight of a million regrets Mounting over years It is the words that were never spoken That echoes through the times It is the smell of the burning temples Swept away by rhymes

words under the cut bc i dont know how long this will be. this is definitely not a drabble actually :] fox + griffin + nocte belong to @purgetrooperfox fuck you hes leos oc now howler belongs to @friedennic finch + sphynx belong to @flutenoises miz + fault + briller + matchmaker are mine, unfortunately serval and coffee belong to @keys-to-the-stars

It is the sound of another deadline Whistling past your ears

Deadlines.

Those were known well, he'd like to think.

When he stood there, watching the sea of people converge and boil, hearing the cries for change turn to screams of outrage. It was always like this, and maybe if he'd had remembered when that paperwork was supposed to be done..

He wouldn't be looking at these natborns standing in a narrow walkway, waving their pushback. What sort of deadline was he thinking about, anyway? The sort that restrain him to his office, hold him back and back and back and put words in his brain that aren't his but demand his agreement?

Or are these deadlines the sort -

Someone fired a blaster. Miz, who stood ever still, only watched the golden line of energy whiz past his head and impact a pipe some meters away. Would that wake him up? Convince him?

These were the kind of deadlines that arose when he crossed a boundary that no one warned him of until he took his first steps on Coruscant. Being hated for being made with their money, and them not being able to say they wished you were never created. No, not born. Created. And their only way of rectifying that, was to do it themselves.

When they took up arms and murdered anyone who looked the same, looked the same in Miz's way, and they gloated. It was hard to find anyone who was remorseful for what they'd done because in the end the punishment was nothing more than a slap on the back of the hand and a disappointed look. Being told that they were costing the Republic money. Yes, both parties get reprimanded. One for killing and the other for being stupid enough to get killed. What's the point in trying to enjoy having a moment away from the war when people bring war to the bars, to the streets, to doorsteps out of the way.

They'd been quite successful this month.

It is the sight of a million regrets Mounting over years

Poor Fox, with what he had to go through. There was an ounce of regret when Miz hit 'send' on his datapad. It didn't bode well with the doom that rushed over him.

It took hours for him to come back from that. He didn't know how long he'd been out of it then, only that the first thing he felt after coming down from his screams was .. strangled. He felt like he still couldn't breathe, couldn't go, couldn't stop. He can't, can he? Oh - but poor Fox. Fox who knew nothing, and was still being punished for it. Miz was being cruel, he knew, he knew this wasn't necessary. But wasn't it?

Fox couldn't sleep, he saw the bags under his eyes, his words that dripped with caf and obligation and no control but he's in charge. A contingency rule that goes nowhere. Fox wasn't eating either, he looked too gaunt in his armor and he sounded far away when he spoke.

Behind him came Howler. Towering over them in stature but it seemed she was just as debilitated. Silent. Watching. Cold. Protective. Ultimately, she'd been powerless, right? What happened to her? She had been taken with .. Finch, was his name now. Howler and Finch. Howler didn't seem to like Miz being around all that much - and well, now he was out of their way. Miz was no longer Coruscant Guard, NCIS was no longer Coruscant Guard.

But Finch was NCIS, and now he's separated them. He wasn't thinking about that. Fuck's sake he didn't even know Finch was Finch until he resurfaced just before the incident and now it too far in motion to offer him an out. Maybe during the restructuring, maybe.. maybe he could do something to make Howler hate him less and. He didn't know what Finch was thinking, only that he was.. he was. That's all. That is all he had the stomach to see in his requisition files. A man marked outside of the GAR and that's all.

Calls began rolling in once the restructuring began. He needed more troopers, more fodder for the cannons. That's all anyone ever saw it as. A familiar face for all the wrong reasons came to his holo. Long, pale blond hair pulled back into a ponytail, hard eyes and a scowl. Talks of being inconsiderate, of being indescribably stupid. Fuckin' intelligent. Miz tuned out most of what his batchmate was saying. Too used to the scathing remarks and the jabs and all of the insults under the Kaminoan storm that the limited holonet allowed them to find. It didn't matter.

Fault said yes in the end, to being part of an auxiliary branch that would provide Coruscant's services on the front lines, as it was obvious that this same behavior was not unique to Triple Zero. It was just condensed here. Miz began to wonder if his trust in his younger batchmate was still founded, but he knew no one better at detective work and sleuthing. It was what Fault was best at. Always had been.

When things were set into motion it really did make Miz proud. He swears there is pride tightening his chest and not mind-numbing .. there wasn't a word for what he felt. But he called it pride as two more recruits came in from Kamino, a sort of "rush order" that was filled anonymously. He didn't know the numbers of the clones that stepped off of the ship and stared blankly, angrily, in fear.

When he stood in the doorway to watch Serval perform their physicals.

Oh.

They had brand marks. Of course they did, they had the one that mirrored his own. In horrible places but. Those marks, those of Researcher Teano Na. They were malnourished and skittish and Miz blocked out the rest of the details because Miz vaguely remembers reading about this behavior in a datasave. Withdrawal, but worse than he could have imagined for any gods-forsaken reason and of course it was happening to them. He didn't even know their names. They didn't have names last time he saw them. And they were still strangers to him. Matchmaker watched from the other end, and Briller was trying his best to keep Miz standing upright because he began a dangerous slouch.

A soft call sounded behind Miz.

Coffee. Coff'ika.

The only person here who didn't seem to either fear Miz or hate him or want nothing to do with him. So Miz gathered him into his arms and held him tight. He hoped he could think about the next move soon, because time was ticking down from an unknown timepiece.

It is the words that were never spoken That echoes through the times

Yet it seemed to Miz that everyone else was getting fed up with how things were being run.

Soon after the split, Miz wasn't sure who he'd become. It was blurry, horribly bleak, but people told him he threatened. He yelled, he openly cried, he hid himself away for days and came back worse. Disheveled and hungry, not having slept enough.

One of the Corrie medics - no, he was their CMO - Nocte had taken the brunt of it. Threatened to keep him nose out from what doesn't add up, or he would be wiped as clean as the Senate floor. It wasn't a threat to be malicious, Miz was probably trying to look out for him. But considering Miz is taller, stronger than most stationed here. Older. More important as a Commander (at the time). It wouldn't come off as caring.

Weeks later, he found himself in a room with his batch. Everyone together for the first time since they were ripped apart.

Howler sitting so close to Finch, as if to shield him. Sphynx and Griffin, who'd apparently caused Miz to black out at one point, sat together. Fault sat alone. He looked angry. He was angry. Fox eyed everyone with the most bleary expression Miz had seen yet. Miz was hesitant to even sit down, but the door's locking mechanism informed him he had no choice. And so did Nocte, who remained in the room.

Nocte said something about having enough. He looked terrified, talking to his superiors like they would reprimand a shiny. When Miz tried to comfort him, there was no more than a useless sigh that left his chest. An apologetic glance that he even had to be involved. It would have been fine. Miz had it under control. He was going to cry.

Moments ticked by in silence only permeated by breathing, sniffling. No one wanted to speak up, because there was so much that each person knew that no one else could fathom.

Except for the one of them who'd gotten off easy: Fault.

And Fault's remarks were aimed at Miz.

And Howler's fist was aimed at Fault.

He was in the middle of his words, standing up and yelling and pointing at a Miz who wasn't even there to hear it, he was lost in himself and he was crying and he could hear it all. He only stopped when a shadow leaned over him, he asked what she wanted. And there was one swift movement punctuated by a sick cracking noise, then Fault was on the floor. And Miz was still crying. Fault held his jaw in terror and abject betrayal but Howler just turned around to grab her chair and move it closer to him.

Fox looked a little vindicated. Like he was adding this to his to-do list, that was steadily growing in his absence.

Because they were all wounded. Beyond compare, and yet that's all Miz could do. Say he was the one who got off easy because Fault said so. Because he was okay, he was fine, he was upright and he was okay and he was fine and he was sane and nothing bad ever happened to him. He was just wallowing in misery, he was miserable over nothing.

He needed to calm down.

It is the smell of the burning temples Swept away by rhymes

I don't know what to put here so pretend I hurt your feelings really bad because Miz.

#clone lieutenant miz #oc tag | [clone 1013]#cheeri is literate #cheeri inquires #cheeri ocs #MASSIVELY HEADBANGING AND SCREAMING ALONG #i love how i cannot make myself write shit for shat #but also #this just happens to be pulled out of my brain #now if only i could write for the fucking zine thatd be great #im sorry cal im sorry leo im sorry bubba im sorry sar im sorry nick #but also im not sorry at all

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finniestoncrane · 1 year

Note

Hi hi Finnie!! Congrats on reaching 1k! I've been going back n forth if i should request this because,,, nervessss, but can I pleasse request no.9 ever fallen in love with someone?

I'm 5'3, have blonde buzzed hair and a curvy, chubby body. I'm afab genderfluid & bi so i joke my gender and sexuality is just everything/everything XD

I LOOOVE making really bad jokes, like dad jokes, puns, dirty jokes, and some of my favourite jokes dont have spoken punchlines so i stare at people with a goofy face until they get it :D I love listening to other people rant about their passions and learning new things, even if i dont fully get it, and enjoy being able to do the same back.

I'm very creative so most of my hobbies are with my hands, from drawing, to sewing, resin and woodwork, i like to try a bit of everything. I really enjoy seeing a finished product that i made on my own! I also like reading and playing dnd so I'm really good at crafting strategies or creative ways around problems in the game (and describing how i get to defeat my enemies, because im squeamish with real blood, but i love some good ol fictional gore.)

I'm very outgoing and bubbly, and i dislike being formal with people. I'd much rather be my casual and crude self, and skip any awkwardness. I am naturally very loud so i can have some issues around quieter people but i try my best to adjust so I'm not cutting them off. I also have a very dirty mind and am a very physically affectionate person, I'm always flirting with, hugging someone, linking arms, or holding hands, whether were platonic or romantic!

Asfghgjfla thank you for letting me ramble and for doing all of these for us!!

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: ok i am bestowing upon you what i consider to be the greatest gift because truly you just suit him so well 💚 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

ok this is my own headcanon but it's practically legit canon in my mind by this point, but thick bodies are his favourite type of body so checkmark there

also, exceptional gender and sexuality choice. i feel like yeah he's a cis bisexual boy, but also i don't think he cares enough to put any sort of label on it, and he has more important things to be concerned about, so he'll identify as whatever the fuck makes you leave him alone and stop questioning him quickest

look i'm not pulling out my files on his dialogue in the games, but trust me when i say that this is the dorkiest dweeb in the universe and his ability to make the dumbest jokes and be so satisfied with himself knows no bounds

good about the listening thing, because you won't be allowed to get a word in edgeways. and besides, he's the best, so he deserves everyone's attention at all times while he talks about whatever the hell he pleases (but he might also let you tell him about something you love if he's too tired to talk)

yeah, stinky boy is down there in his little workshop using his little raccoon paws to get up to all sorts of nonsense so he'd be super pleased to have someone with some capabilities in that kind of area to help him with some projects

and being able to be strategic and creative with problem solving? sounds like someone just got promoted to riddler apprentice and chief "evil plan" coordinator

outgoing and bubbly are probably going to grate on him but god knows he needs someone to be the face of his operation, and it'd be good for him to have a brightness in his life

also it's fine to be loud because you need to be able to cut through either the sound of his welding or yelling or ranting

and truly very much so he needs physical attention and affection, which i'm sure he'd warm to eventually if you just keep at it. relentlessly, even if he's pretending to hate it and it's making him grumpy

#finnie writes #finnie1k

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weirdlyweilder · 2 years

Text

I was going to put a restraining order on my brother

My entire life I have loved singing, humming, tapping to things. Music just coursed through my veins like the softest liquid happiness I could just pour into myself. I genuinely enjoy it, and planned to make a life out of it until recently.

The people in the story, are my mother, my father, my brother, rando police officers and me

I'll admit off the bat I was an annoying child, but my brother took the cake yet somehow I always ended being blamed for it.

Even if I like singing and sing to myself, I have always tried to not bother people. But growing up, I obviously didn't have that kind of concern for bothering people with my singing. Billie Eilish, Jessie Reyes, Eminem when he sings his raps(lol), Layla Blue is my absolute favorite and so far people have said that I do sound like her more than any of the artists I try to sing for.

My brother hated my singing. Flat out, constantly threw it in my face, and it was hard. My mom just used to shrug and say that she was too tired for "this" and that if I didn't want to annoy Harry I would just stop singing all together in the house, permanently. Meanwhile my dad would try to go to his room and talk to him when I got older he stopped. After many years of even just me slightly singing quietly in my own room, Harry would yell through the walls that I'm garbage or "you fucking suck.". And then just silence, until I see him in the hallway or meal times here and there. He only has ever spoken to me when I sang, he doesn't say thank you or excuse me, we don't gift eachother, we don't look or share anything. I have no idea what he even does with his time, I dont hate him but I genuinely can't say I love him enough to care what he's done with his life at this point.

You can imagine my concerts, as a child for me, a crowd did not stop my brother from reminding me that I was bad at the one thing I loved more than just about anything, obv my friends and my boyfriend but it's been really rough in some areas of my life with him around. My parents don't even have to bring him, he'll just show up. My friends have never even payed attention to him, which I think is pretty nice that they like me with a brother as annoying as him.

I have quite abit of awards, and I have participated in a lot of events all throughout my school life. Senior year I planned to move out as quickly as I got accepted into my decided school and all of financial aid was helped by my parents.

And I did, but that for some reason doesn't help. When I moved out my brother moved out too, "coincidentally" said my parents. He had not told them where he was going or that he was even going! And what just bothers my brain all over is that he didn't take any of his stuff with him. I paid it no mind though, I hadn't told him at all where I was moving, I was moving across the town because I'm still in college so I want to be able to commute via bus. And even so in an area which takes 10 minute walk to the nearest bus stop.

I read that if I got a restraining order within the same house as someone that person would have to move out, and while my brother treats me badly I didn't want to that because it's my parents house. Even if I could have prevented him from going to my school, and messing up my life there.

My new apartment is small, it's the smallest yet the cheapest I can find with today's rate, and bonus the bus to my job even passes by here along with one that can take me well closer to the school.

The day after my move I had realized the apartment right next to me got a rug, I found it suddenly odd because the lady that gave me the tour said the people next to me had just moved along with the one of my apartment. I shrugged it off and kept walking to unlock my door to my fresh new apartment. And then there he was, sitting on my floor from inside my locked property. I stared at him baffled. I didn't even get a word out before he just unplugged the TV, which I have no idea when he unpacked it but he had put it on the floor leaning against the wall and he sat criss cross right infront of it. Whatever channel or show he was watching my fear and surprise was too much to even notice.

He got up, and walked towards me, my heart racing as we stared each other in eye. My brother being my brother I wasn't sure if I was even expecting anything to be said by this incident but I think I wish he wouldn't have. I wish he would have came in and left. But what he said to me before walking out of my apartment and down the hall was, "I always know where you are.".

The color drained from my face, the backpack that was so heavy on my shoulder slid off, even after the sound of a door closing I stood in my door way completely in utter terror and shock by what I just saw.

I don't remember who I called first, the police or my parents. I was shaking, the additional dead bolt my dad had installed on my door didn't even seem enough from the inside anymore.

I told the police when they got there before my parents that I wanted a restraining order on him immediately. I sobbed uncontrollably and while I knew he was listening probably through the walls, I didn't care. I had escaped a life without his taunting and he follows me?? I didn't believe it. Truly I couldn't believe at how awful I felt then; but honestly the awful had just begun.

The police had banged on his door, they waited a while, but nothing. They told me that it sounded like he wasn't home. And I said that was impossible it had been in my apartment less than maybe 30 minutes ago and I was listening to him stomp around abit.

The police decided to let my parents handle this since I was hysterical, and they said I could go tomorrow and fill out the paper work. I didn't know why he said that to me, I didn't know why I trusted what he said and most of all I didn't know why I couldn't feel safe even if nothing had happened to me and it was indeed just Harry no one else.

I was very paranoid but none of the things the officer said to me, made me feel safer being next to him.

My mom chose to stay the night and move things around and we slept on the somewhat bed on the floor, and my dad went home for work tomorrow.

It seemed like sleep didn't come to me for a while, I could see the door from my room, and it felt eerie. I was half expecting him to burst in, and half expecting him to already be inside. I think I would have preferred the latter.

When sleep did eventually hit me, it didn't really last long. I started to feel heavy, damp, like as if I was having the worst heat wave but my body seemed cold.

I awoke to something heavy on my chest, and at first I had thought mom had thrown one of my pillows on me so I tried to grab it and fling it off when my hand touched what definitely was not a pillow. It was my brother squatting over my sleeping body. I looked up at him and from what little moonlight came in, I looked into his almost demonic looking face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, poking my mom on what I thought was her butt at the time. According to her, I had stabbed her in the stomach with my finger poke.

She a woke and turned on the light and just like that, he was gone. The weight disappeared but my fear was definitely deeply rooted. As I was telling my mom about what had happened she had told me it was a bad dream and that what I had seen today was the scariest thing I had seen yet. I wasn't sure I even believed her, it felt very real to me. I felt his breathing on my face, the heat from his body, I just couldn't explain to her because logically she was right there was no way he could have gotten in an out without me noticing; unless he never left.

The next day at the police station, I think I wish I would have never went. Out of everything in this story, I sincerely wish I just didn't walk through those doors, or sit down. Nothing. I wish it never happened, somehow my brother made me fear police; or atleast just the one that talked to me that day.

The police man that was taking down whatever I said after his questions seemed very nice, he was sweet and talked to me extra gently for some reason but I didn't really mind. He asked me who I was putting a restraining order on and why, and I said my brother Harry and he was silent for a bit. He asks me if that was his nickname, and I shock my head, "No that's my brothers name, his legal name is Harry _____". Once again the officer looked at me weirdly. He asked me if I was playing a prank on him. The words, 'a prank' hit me in the stomach like a truck. I thought "I knew, they weren't going to take me seriously."

The police officer showed me his computer to which had a black film screen he had slid down for me to see that under my family, there was only my mom and my dad and my name right there. "And wheres Harry? Does he have a different last name or something?"

Once again the police officer looked at me like I was insane and just shook his head quietly. I just couldn't understand why, what was so wrong about what I was telling him and he was telling me. The conversation seemed to be going no where, so I got up and I said I changed my mind and that I was just going home. I got my bag and turned to leave before he put his hand on my arm, grabbing it firmly.

"Ma'am, please have a seat. He'll here shortly." Those words hit my back like pure daggers.

"He?" My mouth trembled as tears already sprang up

"Yes, Harry. Will be coming to get you, and he's coming, and he's coming, and he's here."

The door to the officers room had opened slowly, and since it was fully wood I had no way of knowing what was going to come in through that door.

A small lady officer poked her head in, asking if everything was alright and I had ripped my arm away without turning around and said yes as I walked out the room.

I walked home after that, and I went in through the back side of my apartment building so I would be closer to my door, not having to pass by "his".

Everyone's words repeated in my head over and over. None of it made sense, I felt physically ill.

I realized that I didn't need to be alone, but because things have been so hectic I had forgotten to ask a few friends and my boyfriend to come down to the apartment, so we made plans for the next day. I think that was the only thing normal about everything I had going on in my mind.

I went to shower, and I turned on the shower without opening the shower curtain, as I was undressing and putting my clothes on top of the sink, I was down to my underwear before I pulled back my curtain to reveal a soaking wet Harry standing in my shower.

At that point I was just angry. I was just so angry that I punched him, he didn't even seem to flinch. Almost like in a cool super hero movies, but when it happens right infront of you, it's not a cool superhero movie. Physics just didn't happen, which only crossed my mind later on. He's not a villain he's my brother and he's standing in my shower, wet, fully clothed, with no reaction to a punch to the face.

Tears had already began streaming down my face, no crying just raging tears as I stared at this unflinching man. I didn't even care why anymore I just wanted to live normally.

I looked him in the eyes as I turned off the water, took my clothes, and locked the door from the inside out. I had done backing up slowly like he was some sort of animal, and I was the prey.

When the police and my parents got there, to my demise. Harry was not there. Harry did not leave any wet towels or even a single drop on the floor, it was like the shower was never even on to begin with. The shower was completely dry.

After picking the lock open the police were very unimpressed. They told me I can't make fake calls, they told my parents I could get in deeper trouble if they weren't being so nice.

My parents apologized and looked at me with such a look I couldn't read but it was towards how I had made them look in front of the police. Like I was red riding hood telling the wolf about the wolf and the wolf not believing me that there was a wolf. I just felt so belittled, like I was the crazy one there. When my own brother had now multiple times been in my apartment unannounced.

I didn't understand..The logic of things didn't add up. How he got into my apartment, what the police officer said, what all the officers I have seen in the past couple of days, everything really, it didn't add up at the time.

I decided right then and there to prove to my parents and the police he was there. It always worked, he has done it all my life.

So I sang, loudly. I sang a lullaby that my mom and my dad had always sang to me and my brother. But nothing. Nothing for what should have taken seconds, not even after I finished the short song, nothing.

We all stood there quietly after a few moments when I finished, the woman officer awkwardly complimented me, but looked at me bewildered.

My mom began to sob, it's almost like she folded like a broken lawn chair. She sat and cried and the police were even more confused, my father assured them things would be fine and they left not before reminding me about fake calls.

My father sat down and he held her. He replicated her upset. But I simply couldn't put my finger on it.

"Why can't you just let go." My father said finally

"Let go of what my dreams?? Let go of singing because he's so spiteful, why can't I just be left alone!" I screamed at him but the incoming tears that came with that started to muffle my last few words

"Marissa, I just wish you would take your medication-" My fathers words caught off as he got up but my mother continued his sentence, "You won't find peace anywhere you go if you keep blaming yourself, please, let us help you" Her words were wobbly but not as much as I was afterward hearing even more yet confusing words

I didn't understand what they were saying; I didn't know if what they were saying was even real. I didn't even know who I was. I began hyperventilating, and the last thing I remember was being on my mother's lap as she gently stroked my hair.

Just this one last scene before I ended up here, her tears slammed down my face like water bullets. I had opened my eyes and she was just praying as she stroked my hair, there was no way to tell where we were but it was a white walled room, too bare. I couldn't move my body but I didn't fight it; somehow it felt on the brink of light and almost dead. Looking around the room the light was too bright, and there were three chairs, my father sat in on sleeping straight up with his hand on his jaw. Next to me the chair I presume was for my mother, and then the other sat my brother looking at me almost like he hasn't stopped his eyes were red and deep yet looked weary though.

"What's wrong?" I whispered and my mother looked up at me surprised, she stuttered to think of something to say before she realized my gaze.

"I'm just worried about you, you got too sick." He said in the nicest way I have heard in my first 19 years of life.

Yet somehow I didn't acknowledge that, "I'm sick?"

He nodded almost robotically, "Very, because you keep thinking about me."

I wanted to yell at him, I started storing and wanting to move and use whatever energy I didn't have to get up. But my mother had reverted my gaze to her by pushing my cheek towards her

"He..he is not real baby." She whispered but followed it up shushing me gently back to sleep; as she continued to push my already pushed back hair. Her tears still slamming my forehead with their force.

I looked back to my brother, and he smiled sweetly. As he walked towards the bed, I watched him with intensity. He looked at my mom who only looked at me curious about what I was doing. He leaned down and kissed mom on the head, she had no reaction. I twisted my neck to see her, and the put his finger up to his lips. I was utterly confused why he did that. Looking forward and backwards between the two, neither of them seem to react.

"Let go of me."

"How?"

"Find out soon before you waste your life away, let me live through you, not hold you back. Go. Push forward." He put his hand on mine and just like that vanished before my eyes.

"Mom, did you feel him kiss your head?"

My mother looked up and searched the room, her eyes skipped my father and looked behind her and I caught a glimpse of medical equipment on the wall.

"Where? Where? Where is he?" She talked in a wail and she just covered her face crying into them all over again.

Looking back at it.

I think I tortured my mom by being alive. I can see the only child shes ever wanted, and I constantly remind her that I see him and she couldn't. It was for the best. I didn't know how to get over seeing my dead older brother my whole life because I never knew he was dead to begin with. My parents left his room exactly how it was, and there was never a neighbor next door, the mat was moved in front of it by a random person after it was dragged around.

It took me along time in here to realize and learn everything; but there's not much I can do now.

Harry and I do not see each other anymore.

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way2gowillow · 2 years

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It's my birthday today :)

I'm finally 16 sweet 16 y'know I guess some huge life changes will happen soon people say once you turn 16 it's like your life just changes around. It's kinda crazy I'm not to sure what's gonna happen to me now that I'm "so mature" I still feel very childlike, my grandfather took me to build a bear yesterday and I still play with stuffed animals. But that's okay. I also think you'll be happy that I'm here with good news, I'm feeling really good. O feel happy and like fucking alive and things in my life are going pretty great. I, in all honesty, I haven't felt this just... Okay... Is so fucking long, it's like things are making sense now. Things are okay. It's weird I've been getting better this year, I mean I've definitely has my setbacks, but I haven't self harmed since last December, and I passed all my classes, that algebra class I passed with a 68% (64% is fail) my dad's disappointed in me but the teacher was shit and I tried my best so it's whatever honestly, being more carefree has been so much better. I got straight A's in all my other classes! So my GPA's like 3.1? Or smth idk I'm trying. But schools over. Summer is my good months, I hate the hot weather but having a few months without school is amazing, being able to stay away from bullies is incredible that's really the only thing that's so I'll been bothering me nowadays plus, over summer everyone forgets everything so hopefully theirs nothing else to bully me about next year. Maybe this summer I'll have like a glow up or smth? Probably not lol. Though, I have been going to the gym, but I'm not looking to change my body I have enough issues with that as it is. Anyways, it feels so much better to just be okay. My birthday was great and I'm feeling good. We actually celebrated last week because of the court date with my mom so my whole family could be together I got some new Markers, and A PlayStation (🫣in excited) and some new shoes it's been a really great day. I'm really excited we celebrate last week haha because (I'm sure you guessed it) I'm sick again! I'm telling you I never stop being sick it's constant, I have a sinus infection (A FUCKING GAIN) AND STREP so I'm spending my birthday eating my favorite foods (like ice cream, nice on my sore throat) and finishing up these antibiotics, I'm pretty sure the last time I wrote here I was sick then too?? I think? It might have been stomach related I honestly can't fucking remember I'm sick all the time.(along with Juvenile Arthritis, which APPERNLY I HAVE, just another thing to add to the list 🙄) But I don't really mind. I have TV to watch and I'm doing OK.

I know things like this dont last forever but im happy right now and honestly I think I'm okay with just staying for a while how stuff is. Ill have up and downs and my (phisical) health isn't too awesome but I'm doing the best I can to help it

As always you please please take care of YOURSELF. Make sure your drinking, eating, taking your medicine, giving yourself time to breathe. I appreciate you 🤗

-rosy

AWWW! Omg, happy birthday! I'm so so happy to hear that you are doing a little better right now, especially on your birthday. I hope you got all the ice cream you wanted. And that's very sweet that you went to build-a-bear. I've been meaning to go for a while myself once I have the spending money to splurge. I kinda want a K.K slider bear...(dog? Idk about the technicalities with that lol). And it's totally not a bad thing to still be fond of cute stuff like that. What matters is that you like it! And nobody else should have any issue with something as wholesome as being yourself.

I used to really enjoy Summer because of the nice break from school too. And I didn't have many friends, but the few I did have were very fun to be around. I hope you have someone like that in your life. Please enjoy the break, whether you spend it with others or at your own time. I know that algebra class you mentioned was stressing you out hardcore. You passed and you tried your absolute damn best. That's all that matters. (I'm proud of you.)

It sucks you're feeling sick, but I hope that also gets better with time. Coincidentally, I also had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (I was diagnosed at 15) and the biggest tip I can give you is to become aware of and come to terms with your own limits. I had not taken good care of myself when I turned 18 and my RA kinda spiraled out of control, which caused me to develop lupus very soon after. So, you know, take it kind of seriously and be kind to your body. You mentioned you're going to the gym, which is great! Staying active is super good for preventing joint pain. But also don't forget to take breaks. The good news is that these sort of chronic illnesses can go into remission under the right care. <3

It's always nice hearing how you're doing. Happy Birthday again. I'm glad it went well. :D

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