#i dont think im ready for a change or ready to accept help again but my view of myself is so horribly distorted | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gyuvision · 4 months

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strawberry soju -> [back to masterlist?]

pairing : exes to ?? hong seunghan x fem reader

contains -> : drinking, mention of alcohol/being drunk

wc : 0.9k

preview ! - your drunken ex boyfriend calls you up out of nowhere, leaving him under your care for the night when he doesnt want you to go.

continue? ⬇️

you groaned at the sound of your phone buzzing once again. after all, it really does get annoying when its been 3 minutes and 7 missed calls.

“who could be calling so late? 10pm on a friday..”

setting down the ramen cup and pausing your favorite show, you swipe to accept the call, holding the phone up to your ear without checking the caller id. “hello? whos this?”

“y/nniee? that you?” the person slurred.

you knew that voice all too well, you didn’t even have to look at the contact name. “seunghan.” you sighed.

“you finally answered.” he exclaimed. you could practically hear his stupid smile.

“been drinking again?” you said, already knowing by his tone of voice.

“just.. a little tipsy..”

“are you-” you were cut off by someone elses voice.

“sorry y/n. he had a lot to drink.” eunseok joined in. “you mind getting seunghan? i know its.. awkward still. but my parents are supposed to go out soon, and i don’t want to leave my brother by himself.”

“hes sooo drunk that he seems to think you’re still together. he’s been asking for you all night!” sungchan snickered somewhere in the background.

“uh.. send me your location then? i guess its fine just this once. he wont even remember it in the morning.”

so you found yourself driving to a well known local restaurant to pick up your ex boyfriend. even though it was your choice, you couldnt help but wonder why you were doing this.

and you also couldn’t help but feel bad at the thought of seunghan being so drunk to the point he still thinks you’re dating.

“y/n, over here!” sungchan called out to you as you entered the building.

“wheres eunseok?”

“you just missed him. he had to go because he’s too worried about his brother.”

“my y/n! you’re here!” seunghan squealed going to pull you into a tight hug.

you awkwardly pat his head in return instead of hugging back. though you couldn’t say that you didn’t miss his touch.

sungchan helped you both to the car before he took off as well.

“god you smell like.. like, strawberry soju?” you exclaimed. “you really reek of alcohol. how much did you drink?”

seunghan replied by holding up 9 fingers, a lazy smile across his face and his eyes closed, with his cheeks a bright pink. “9 shots?” you scoffed as you set course for seunghans house.

“babyy.” seunghan whined. “im not your baby.” “you’ll always be my baby.” he teased back.

you sighed as you rubbed your forehead in frustration. “what do you want?”

“aircon please. i feel hot.” he mumbled as he tugged at the collar of his shirt.

you sank into your seat after turning on the air conditioning, putting up with how cold you were so he could feel better. after all, he was a bit of a liability right now though.

you walked up to seunghans apartment with him leaning into your shoulder while he had one arm around you for support.

“whats your code?” you asked, opening his keypad as you assumed he changed the password after your break up.

“same as always. your birthday. i would never change it.”

you’d be lying if you said your heart didn’t soften even in the slightest.

after changing seunghans shirt for him then getting him tucked into the sheets, you went to get up to get ready and go home before he pulled you back into the bed with him.

“please dont go.” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around you, burying his head into your neck with a small whine.

“but didn’t you think that we..” “nah. just wanted to believe that we were. feel more confident when i’m that drunk.”

“im sorry.”

“why did you leave me?”

though seunghan had said some crazy things that night, nothing would’ve prepared you for that.

“seunghan..”

“i dont care about it anymore then. just dont leave me again. even if its only for today.”

you turned around in his grasp to press a light kiss into his forehead. “promise.”

you decided, maybe it wouldnt be so bad to spend the night. you realize you wouldnt mind being happy with seunghan again even if it meant that he wouldnt remember any of it.

‘but might as well, cause i cant help myself.’ [1:36]

‘i dont ever wanna know how it feels to not have you, my strawberry soju.’ [1:51]

#gyuvision #gyuvision - riize #riize x reader #riize smut #seunghan x reader #seunghan smut #riize fluff #seunghan imagines #seunghan fluff #riize imagines

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katiifaetarot · 3 months

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Hello friends, beings, and starlights! this is my second tarot reading here on tumblr! Im new to the tarot community (at least on this specific platform) and would like to help guide, give honest/TRUTHFUL advice, and be a safe space for anyone + everyone who feels safe here! 🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

My goals/intentions are always to help others through my experience, to teach/guide them to work on themselves, and encourage them to find the strength, courage, discipline, and honest wisdom within themselves, without looking for outside validation! ♡♡♡

** I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

___________________________________________

This second reading is just an easy, breezy, maybe a bit HEAVY for some; what you need to hear // whatever else comes through while I channel! ( again ) ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

There are 4 piles and you will be picking through angel #'s that are right below this text! Feel free to look at the specific photos for each pile if you feel called too!

___________________________________________

✨️🧚🏽‍♀️please choose your pile and may your intuition and inner knowing guide you to the pile with the energy most suited for you and most suited to help you along your path at this current point in time, no matter what that looks like🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

PILE 1- 555

PILE 2- 666

PILE 3- 777

PILE 4- 888

** sometimes ( most of the time ) i will pick up on multiple energies that need attention or want to be expressed during the reading so i ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS DURING MY READINGS:

** depending on how the reader (YOU) chooses to look at the situation or however the situation resonates for the reader (YOU) and because this is a general reading;

⚠️you HAVE to be able to use your better discernment + better judgement skills to fully absorb the message and be able to do the necessary work to keep you on track for the future you WANT for yourself⚠️

🧿im not a fortune teller,

i am an energy reader.🧿

___________________________________________

OKAY PILE 1:

You're definitely going through some sort of gnarly OR fitting + VERY much needed rebirth; and depending on how the reader is choosing to look at this new beginning, its either a solid effort on accepting this reality and accepting you dont know everything OR you're wallowing and taking the stance of the victim. both are valid. but the 2nd perspective must change at some point......when you're ready.

This rebirth is happening inside and outside of yourself, and its causing disharmony, chaos, painful changes, and no BullSht; EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!! but also.....its creating new ideas, new inspiration, new LIFE!! figuratively OR literally(👀).

Its helping you adapt to lifes twists, turns, and all the windy messes in between. This isnt supposed to be a comforting message.....but its also not meant to scare you either. This message is about acceptance.

Accept and celebrate how far you've come but accept and acknowledge your mistakes and missteps, identifying how to move better or correctly for next time. Accept things as they are now but accept the emotional turmoil that may come along with that. Accept the missed opportunities but PLEASE also accept that there is better for you, out there, somewhere, I PROMISE!!

This specific rebirth is happening in your life, at this specific time because its trying to get you to SHED all the outgrown aspects of your life so you are more able to see the life that you deserve and go after your dreams/plans/goals in a more confident, conscious, considerate, aware, authentic, healthy, and ((all that good stuff)) , WAY!!!

It'll take some time, some tears, hardwork, determination, mental fortitude, faith, and trust....but YOU believe in YOU, and I believe in YOU!! so start living again, in ways that make sense to you. Feel right to you.

think of yourself as emerging from the womb again: make up your life however you want without fear, this will lead you down a path of self discovery and hearty lessons to help you grow and change, but stay steady in who you are no matter what!

powerful stuff pile 1, but to encounter new growth, better situations, and more understanding within yourselves; you need to prepare yourself to let go of rotted wood, garbage, or dead weight in your current foundations or perspectives.

abandon the old schemes and everything that no longer belongs to you and overcome the challenges of transformation and rebirth.

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•realizing // focusing on the repeating cycles,patterns,lessons, etc currently in your life.

•facing your shadows and calling judgement upon yourself + sitting in the uncomfortableness that comes along with life.

•not being afraid or affected by outside noise or other peoples perceptions of you anymore.

•take risks again! try and make yourself smile, widen your world view, stop and appreciate whats around you, something new is coming, expect the best and it will happen!

•pluto,mushrooms,scorpio energy,rebirth,healing,TRANSFORMATION,finding your voice, change your old ways.

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OKAY PILE 2:

HEAVY @ s$ energy. and im sorry for any betrayal felt on your part from this ending im CLEARLY picking up on. I hope you know how possible it is to move on, let go, release whatever or whoever, and just BREATHE AGAIN. I feel sick to my stomach but relieved, hurt but okay, numb but faintly hopeful for my future.....its very faint, but the emotion is there.

You've been through it and im sorry pile 2, i hope you know the more you keep pushing and getting over this percieved setback and/or tough loss that has occurred, the stronger you'll be because of it. You're going to learn such a valuabe lesson from this or you might of already learned that lesson, but either way you deserve better.....and frankly, MORE!

SO DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK // GIVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT AND KNOW YOU DESERVE!! NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BURDEN OR LIKE YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH TO GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT// NEED FOR YOURSELF!! AND IF THEY DO, THEN CUT THEM OFFFFFFFF!!!

The big message here is to let that which must fall away, ACTUALLY FALL AWAY, and find balance between your desires and the people around you.

dont get so caught up in the what ifs, just do what feels right and speaks to your heart + listen and make decisions that your higher self would be proud of, prove your worth to yourself, NOT some else.

pile2, this is a tough message but straight-forward too. Let go, move on, heal, grow, learn,change + this process looks and feels different to everyone so whatever works 4u, lean into that!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•review your life by asking YOURSELF questions that might trigger a heartfelt response from you!!

•reclaim your power, meditate, learn about yourself, reparent yourself, help yourself and save yourself, no ones coming to help OR save you.

• "people come to see us for a reason, or sometimes just a season", focus on yourself for awhile.

• dont underrate yourself, build your confidence up, air sign sun, capricorn energy, Jupiter influence in chart, looking into the age of aquarius recently, air sign energy, astrologer or HIGHLY interested in astrology.

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OKAY PILE 3:

pile 3, you might hate hearing this but YOU GUYS ARE STRONG, RESILIENT, DETERMINED, STUBBORN, AND A HUGE ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF AND THATS HONESTLY SO INSPIRING AND ADMIRABLE!!!

which is why I must also say; you have to start taking responsibility for your own life and your own choices!! You're doing just fine standing in your power, but sometimes impulsiveness gets the better of you. And theres nothing wrong with that!!! But be careful, and ask for help when needed! Everything in moderation is always good. and that is very sound, safe, + solid advice.

life can feel like a confusing but interconnected web at times, but eventually you'll meet other people with similar expirences + ideas so even if it feels empty or lonely or confusing now, you're on the right path to find that support and stability you crave + the assistance and advice or guidance needed to help keep you straight! do not fear or worry, you're doing just fine.

ultimately the message is: when you finally realize, accept, and integrate the belief or truth that you are the engineer of your own life, you'll start to see better results and start moving your @ s$ to make better choices for your future + yourself. dont be inactive too long or you might risk losing a few good opportunities, that doesnt mean leap before you're ready, but that DOES mean doing the work NOW so you catch the good, stable, solid opportunities when they come sooner!

only you have the answers to what it is you truly want so start being honest with yourself and LAYING THE PROPER FOUNDATIONS FOR YOUR FUTURE!!!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•libra energy, venus placements, balancing of situations, the unseen is working behind the scenes, protect your ideas + your desires, be hopeful but stay realistic, logic vs emotion, listen to your heart, ignore your fears

•pray if you trust in something bigger than you!

•your gaining a sense of YOUR reality and its giving you a sense of responsibility so act on this accordingly and take this as an opportunity to learn + grow

___________________________________________

OKAY PILE 4:

daammn your message came out quick and fast : there's highs AND lows in life, dont get caught up in either extreme. This reality of life is a fact, nothing you can change, so you must change your response to this reality of life.

There's sunshine+rainbows and There's darkness+shadows. There's beautiful duality everywhere. There's clear vision and There's confused outlook. What perspective do you see right now? Either is okay and Either is tremendously valid.

Believing in yourself and your dreams is hard when nobody is paying attention to your efforts or maybe commending you for your little and big wins through the process. BUT when the results do come....when the fruit is finally ready to be picked.....it feels that much more rewarding when you can look back and say " I did it. "

Stay committed towards your dreams and move forward with confidence, IN SPITE of the negativity and other things being thrown your way. Stay hopeful and optimistic. Even if its hard! Stay grateful too!! Find the light at the end of tunnel to make things easier for yourself!

You have the ability to see what others tend to miss so use this to sniff out people who are NOT on your side or maybe using you in some way!! Dont let yourself lose integrity over something stupid, walk-away when you must, to avoid any conflicts later!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•4, stability, 444, strong foundations being built, cancer, leo, sun or moon placements, nurturing your mind, body, spirit.

•go steady and at a comfortable pace, ignore outside negativity, take in constructive advice, learn to control your reactions.

•you are a human with needs, wants, desires....dont be afraid to go after them!___________________________________________

I sincerely hope you received what you needed and released what you don't !! See you again soon!! Take it easyyy and just breathe and fllooowwww!!! you got this! byyeee~🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

**please let me know how I'm doing in any way you can! that is the easiest way to support me and also a good way to signal to me that I should keep going + any helpful advice from the community would be welcomed and appreciated 🥺 🥹 🙏🏼

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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

**ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

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thebisexualdogdad · 1 year

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hi! love your writting, super glad you're keeping the male reader tag alive- there's so few of those out here.

prompts:

39. tell me something i dont know about you

+ "when im with you i feel like myself. i feel like every side of me is present and accepted. and i feel good about it- i feel good about who i am when im with you"

with Stiles x ftm reader?

fluffy & a little hurt comfort-y, with Stiles letting the reader know that despite dysphoria, he sees him exactly the way he wants to be seen.

thanks!

Stiles Stilinski x FTM!reader

You and Stiles had been friends since you were in diapers, your dads worked together so when they found out they were both expecting kids around the same time it was basically fate that brought you two together.

You finally started dating your freshman year of high school, Stiles had been crushing on you since kindergarten after all and Scott was the one who talked him into actually telling you how he felt but two years later when you were ready to come out as trans he was who you were most terrified of telling.

You're laying in his bed, just cuddling and listening to music, weeks have gone by and you still haven't found the right words to tell him the truth.

"Have you ever thought about how crazy it is that we've literally known each other our entire lives?" Stiles states.

"No one knows me better than you do," you reply despite knowing you have a huge secret you're keeping from him.

"There has to be something left to learn still, come on Y/N tell me something I don't know about you," he chuckles.

You're silent for a moment, Stiles believing you're just thinking really hard to find some weird obscure fact about yourself but finally you reply with, "when I'm with you I feel like myself. I feel like every side of me is present and accepted and I feel good about it- I feel good about who I am when I'm with you."

"Woah that was unexpectedly deep, where did that come from?" Stiles laughs.

You sit up, Stiles suddenly getting concerned at the change of energy in the room.

"There's something I've been trying to tell you for a while now and I don't know how you're gonna take it," you say nervously.

"Hey, you know you can tell me anything," he says rubbing your arm to try to comfort you.

"Stiles… I'm trans," you blurt out.

Stiles looks at you for a moment trying to process what you said, "okay… can you tell me what that means exactly for you?"

"I uh… never really felt like a girl you know even as a kid but it wasn't until about a year ago when I realized that what I was feeling was gender dysphoria."

"So you're a guy?" He asks.

"Yeah I am," you say looking away from him assuming he wouldn't want to be with you anymore.

Stiles puts his hands on your cheek and gently tilts your face to look at him again, softly kissing you.

"You aren't mad at me?" You question.

"Of course not," he assures you, "I love you, I have since we were five years old and nothing will ever change that. I see you for exactly who you are and if you say you're a guy then that's awesome, no matter what I will always love you."

You just smile and kiss him again, feeling the love radiating off of him.

"Have you told anyone else?" He asks.

"No you're the first person I wanted to tell."

"Do you want me to be there when you tell people cause I will fight anyone who doesn't support my boyfriend," he says.

"I like when you call me that," you chuckle.

"You mean my boyfriend? Better get to used it cause I'm going to be telling everyone that I have the coolest boyfriend in the world," he smiles, pulling you in close and laying you guys back in the bed to cuddle again.

Of course it took him some time to adjust but he really was the rock in your support system and even spent an entire week pulling all nighters researching how to be the best ally and partner to you.

He was there for you when you told your parents and your friends, he helped you picked out a new name and was always the first to correct anyone who used your dead name or the wrong pronouns.

You couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend.

#teen wolf imagine #stiles stilinksi imagine #stiles stilinksi x reader #x ftm reader #x male reader #x trans reader #fic

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bambirosedoll · 8 months

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@bambi-disciple wrote a really good post on BS and if it really works (which ill link to at the bottom of this post), and while i have been on a sort BS hiatus for a little while, i wanted to write a little about some of what i have noticed for me?

At the time when id first run across it, the bimbo and hypno scene were still very cis, het, and essentialist. Most bimbofication material out there was heavily cishet. some the point of being actively transphobic. Hell, tbh a lot of it still feel pretty antitrans... but anyway...

I started listening to BS in April of 2021. I had heard of it before, and might have even listen to the initial release once or twice a few years before but had been a little reluctant to really dive into it. Id played with hypno before (ok, like lots), but BS seemed like it might want to be more extreme than i was ready for and very cis woman centric.

Skip forward a few years, and it wasnt until i started seeing some of the bimbofication and stepfordization creators making more gender inclusive content that instarted feeling a little more comfortable dipping my toe back in.

I am a trans woman. I went on hormones and socially transitioned almost two decades ago and in the kink scene for over three. I knew how to do my makeup and be cute and all those things, but like, i wasnt keeping up with them.

I was needing that internal drive and encouragement to be prettier. To push myself further. So for me it was less about self acceptance as a girl or submissive and more about wanting to be a better good girl. And i figured i might want to check out if BS could help.

Im one of those folks who would check all three of the boxes described by @bambi-disciple - wanting it to happen, beleiving it could happen, ans being aroused by the idea. Even with those they doesnt always mean automatic success. My mind often "stays awake" in trance, i am very reluctant to give up control (even when i think i want to and even to myself), and just a host of other issues which keep me from.being consistent or internal resistance to asepcts to the file. There have been some changes ive noticed tho:

* im much more open with my partners. Im still reclutant or shy to talk about my stuff, because i dont want them to be uncomfortable. But that might be more me projecting on them.

* wearing making up much more constantly again. Almost every day or at least when going out.

* pink. A lot more pink. And much more comfortable wearing pink. Previously it was all mostly black.

* eating healther. I now eat a lot more healthier. Salad are much more common for me. As well dried fruits and the like.

* much more casual in my writing. More willing to make typos and let them slide. More willing to just use txt speak and abbrevations and such.

* more comfort with posting myself on the interent, including a brief stint of doing porn sadly the latest stunt feom my stalker (hi stalker) wrecked the relationship with the studeo i was working with + i simply dont have the time with having to go into work and taking care of the family and home. Still it was super fun.

Those are the biggest changes ive noticed over the past couple years. I havent listen to BS for a few months rn. Im not really sure what my future plans are with it. I will prob stsrt up again at some point, but like i have a lot of upcoming things whjch require a lot of focus. It's like i have this desire to relapse but im holding back? Idk.

As promised, the post link. I didnt repost because it is really long and not under a cut and i wanted to be nice to my followers feeds. Sry. And if u have read this far you should check it out

#bambi sleep #personal experience #reply

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werewolfsonpage211 · 10 months

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trans and autistic

this is just my personal account of how i feel being autistic has effected my transition. these experiences are in no way exclusive to being autistic and trans. i havent seen a post like this so i thought why not make it. cw gender dysphoria.

change. i dont like change.* unfortunately its kinda what transitioning is all about. when i first realised i was trans i thought i would never tell anyone. when i realised i wanted top surgery i cried. i kept questioning for years if top surgery was right for me because the idea of purposefully changing my body like that was so foreign to me. and yet i wanted it. it felt wrong to want it. it took long to get over my own bias that plastic surgery is unnatural or selfish and to accept why i myself wanted and needed it. after all that soul searching it was comparatively easier to realise i also wanted hrt. hrt means many small changes happening gradually, which made it easier for me to get comfortable with the idea. the fact that you can microdose it and that you can stop the treatment whenever you want to absolutely helped. it also helped to "try out" some of the effects. do i want a lower voice? i could feel it out by lowering my voice and doing voice training exercises (ofc not the same result as hrt but you get it). do i want more body hair? i reflected on how i felt about the sparse but present body hair i already have, and how it felt to find new hairs (euphoria!!) also ngl the tiktok beard filters helped. *thats a simplification, but many forms of change make me feel uncomfortable.

communication. i felt i needed to be absolutely 100% sure about my identity before coming out to Anyone. i struggle with unclear communication/instructions so i tend to assume other people also prefer more details rather than less details + i fear that other people will missunderstand me if im not clear enough. and in order to be clear i felt like i needed to Know beyond a doubt my gender, pronous and name. this lead to me being in the closet longer + seeking care later than i probably would have otherwise.

emotions. i struggle with anticipating other peoples reactions to stuff. i feared how my parents might react - would they cry? would they argue with me? would they think i was weird? and theyve literally been so chill about it. i would say my bar was on the floor but there really was no bar, i had no expectations at all because i couldnt even guess.

change again! asking people to use new pronouns and a new name. i first came out with using all pronouns. i now use he/they. saying i used all pronous felt easier because it meant no correcting people. turns out it wasnt right for me, and i kinda already knew that when i came out. but i felt i had to take it in small steps. i was never the one to cannonball into the water from the diving tower. i walk in slowly, one step at a time, rather putting my body through every small shock of cold against my skin than that one big shift. to some it might seem like self torture but to me it is the more comfortable choice. i wanted to come out but i wasnt ready to ask people to stop using she/her. so "all pronouns" became a stepping stone, one i am very grateful for. some people want nothing to do with their old name. im changing mine to the masculine coded version of my old name. calling it a new name is rich seeing as im just removing a few letters. i want the change to be as undramatic as possible, for both me AND for everyone else. other people being uncomfortable makes me feel Super uncomfortable. with the small change im making its easy to cover up if the worng name slips out. to me, my old and new names dont even have to be regarded as different names, just variations of the same name. yeah, i prefer the masc version, but tbh i will answer to anything that sounds remotely like my name. i just want it to be uncomplicated. in the same vein, my prefered pronouns are he/they, but im not going to correct everyone who calls me she/her. when and on whom i use that energy will be highly circumstantial.

special interests. ive done a lot of research. ive read a lot about gender affirming care, what it can (and cant) do, where and how you can get it, what people who have gotten it have to say. ive watched a lot of trans youtubers video essays and commentary, a lot of top surgery vlogs, and several videos made by medical professionals documenting the surgical procedure of detitification itself. ive joined several internet communities on facebook, discord and reddit to take part in other trans peoples knowledge, experiences and thoughts. ive prepared and held presentations on being trans on tdov. and i tend to forget that not every trans person ...does all that. (which is not a critique, i know its a lot.) (which is not a brag, i know im weird.)

societal norms. gender roles are weird right? and the whole concept of gender? thinking about it can give me a headache. i think autistic people are slightly more likely than allistic people to question the gender binary, simply because were more likely to not conform to social/societal norms. i initially identified only as non-binary. now i identify as a non-binary trans man. i do still wonder why i identify as a man - what makes me a man, what makes anyone a man, what makes me feel like a man. and i hate to say it, but i havent come up with a satisfactory answer. i just do. it doesnt completely make sense to me, but it makes more sense than anything else. at this point ive just accepted that some things give me gender euphoria, some things give me gender dysphoria, and all in all i think "man" describes me fairly well. i also think if id been amab i wouldve still identified as non-binary, just not had as much dysphoria nor required as much gender affirming care. i could go into further detail on my exact gender identity, but i also dont feel the need to be super open about it. not everyone needs to know every part of my identity. most people only need my name and pronouns. and as i said, i like it uncomplicated.

hey share your own experiences of being trans and autistic if you like? in tags/just add on to the post! i probably will if i think of more

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beautifulpersonpeach · 1 year

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bpp i’m not sure if this will be an controversial ask so i just won’t expect an answer to it if your not comfortable w it😅

i have noticed two instances already of bts being… i dunno what the right term is… maybe shoved aside?… for awards and achievements in favor of another group. its been embarrassingly obvious too… i think you alluded to them in your recent grammy post… but ofc im not sure if they’re the same one you were talking about lol… and now that group has been given entertainer of the year in spite of other artists objectively having a better year…

in your grammy post i think you said that another kpop group’s label is working hard through their networks to get a nom (pls corret me if im remembering wrong) and since grammy works thrugh connections i dont doubt it.. so now im thinking with this development that label will be working overtime now that bts isnt there to be overwhelmingly successful so itll be easier to mediaplay…

Hi Anon,

I was actually not referring to Blackpink (if they renew their contracts in 2023 then maybe they'd make sense for 2024, but they're not the group I had in mind for the upcoming awards). But you're right that the media appears overzealous to highlight the next new thing, and the slip ups with the VMAs and Spotify Wrapped this year are so sloppy, I can't help but wonder why they didn't make more of an effort. It's like the Moonlight gaffe but you know, 이 모든 건 우연이 아냐. - RM

The next three years are going to be such a trip oh goodness. I can hardly wait. In 2023, 2024, and 2025, there will be so much change, so many upsets, so many reality checks... we'll see exactly what the last six years of BTS 'paving the way' has done for the industry, and I think some people might have to accept that not all the changes to the space have been good. K-pop companies/groups/idols have always wanted to break into the West but none of them dreamed of dominating it until BTS, and now that BTS has shown in good detail how exactly to do so, it's only natural that k-pop agencies try their luck again now that they have a blueprint. And for the Western music industry, k-pop fandoms represent a modern-day jackpot - the gift that truly keeps on giving, and they will of course try to engage as many lucrative fandoms as possible. Y'all already know my nonexistent expectations for the 2023 Grammys, but 2024 and 2025 are very much in play for a handful of groups/soloists (if the Maknae Line send in submissions). I doubt the BTS fandom is ready for this but that remissness also makes things interesting.

#bts #kpop #kpop fandom #bts army #bts fandom #army fandom

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rogue-of-heart-classpecting · 2 years

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So how would a session go with a Witch of time (she/her) Heir of space (they/them) rogue of heart (all pronouns) Knight of void (he/him) a thief of mind (she/her) and a mage of light?

Im the rogue of heart and my sister is the Thief of mind and the relationship is a bit rocky and I’m friends with them all but my sister isn’t really close with any of them if that helps any

I’ve been pushed down the homestuck path again and i don’t think i can escape.

Thanks :))

Let's see.

Space and time players - check.

Even number of players - check (although.. I don't know if that really matters! That's just what we've seen in our 4 examples.)

No overlapping classes or aspects - check.

Let's go over the players' "jobs."

Attack - Witch of Time, Thief of Mind.

Defense - Knight of Void.

Guide - Mage of Light.

Support - Rogue of Heart.

Healer - No healing classes or Life players... I suppose the Witch of Time could definitely pop around making sure everyone is safe using her re-do powers.

The Witch of Time and Heir of Space are on frog and possibly Scratch duty. The Witch kind of has her hands full in this situation. I think the Heir and Rogue could help her out on the side.

The Witch of Time would be able to change the way time works, using time in ways you wouldn't usually think of, bending and breaking the rules of time's normal flow. Her challenge might be to keep control over herself when faced with two very powerful and active class/aspects. She might also be able to See Space at the beginning of the game, like Jade did with seeing through Time in the clouds on Prospit.

The Heir of Space would be easygoing, positive, bubbly, maybe try to get everyone to work together and have fun. They would maybe be able to shift space easily and even unexpectedly. By the end of the game, they will have done something to connect in a way fully with the concept and aspect of Space. This might look like how Bec teleports by BECOMING space and then manifesting back down to his small size by letting go of being all of space at once. Trippy.

The Rogue of Heart is really here to make sure everyone stays calm and collected, making sure emotions dont boil over and, alternatively, keeping everyone (especially the Thief) from becoming too cold and unfeeling or callous. Having a Thief of the opposite aspect is kind of a problem in this session, and, I'm guessing, really ANY session. The Rogue's job is to make sure the Heart levels are equally balanced among the players and the environment around them. The Thief's job is to steal all of the Mind from the session for herself, leaving an absence of it in anyone but her. This would kind of force the Rogue through their arc, maybe even before they're ready. The Rogue has to learn to accept their aspect for themselves. By having the Mind (absence of Heart) stolen from them, they could become overly emotional and unstable. Rogues are already uncomfortable with their aspect within themselves. Getting a ton of it by force shoved on them would be very uncomfortable. I could see the Rogue and the Thief getting into a big fight over it. It might end up like a game of Heart hot potato? Trying to give all of this emotion and impulse back and forth because neither of them want it. The Rogue sees all this Mind in one place and has all this Heart to give and so repels it like a magnet. The Thief just got RID of their Heart and doesn't want it back! Hopefully the other players, maybe the Knight, could keep them apart.

The Knight would protect Void. This means there is a lack of Void in the session. There's probably too much going on, there's no time for quiet reflection, collecting yourself, being calm, destimulating, etc. The Knight could cultivate this area where things are less hectic, like Calliope's spiral space. This Knight would also be good at banishing monsters to the shadow realm. However, that would prevent you from gaining XP or grist from killing them. I think this Knight would disappear for long periods of time. I hope he doesn't void out for too long. I think players and enemies in this session will sometimes need to go in the Void time-out for calm down time.

The Thief of Mind. Let's see. This classpect would be the accumulating of all surrounding decision, logic, thought, justice, pathways, etc. from everyone else in the session. This player would have justice and fairness always happen to them and never to anyone else. Other players will be treated unfairly by the game and fate itself, whether that be to their advantage or disadvantage. Other players would have a hard time thinking rationally for themselves, being unable to choose their next step, acting mostly on impulse and on what they FEEL would be the right thing to do, instead of the safest or smartest thing to do. There would be a lot of tension and hostility from everyone's emotions being raw and exposed. Thieves can make good leaders, especially if they steal an aspect that is a valuable tool for command. The Thief would try (and maybe fail) to get everyone to follow their rational plans. They would say, "I'm the one with all the brains/plans/decision making, everyone has to do what I say!" I doubt a bunch of players with an overload of Heart would appreciate that and one or more of them might try to overthrow her.

The Mage of Light would probably be frustrated with this setup. They would see what's actually going on over the whole game, and they would see where everyone's getting hung up over trivial things, and they would hate it. Since they're a Mage, they would have to find by trial and error the best way to make everyone pay attention to them before being able to instruct the team as a guide. Their method of seeing through the game's future would probably be manually thinking through every possibility for future paths and seeing which ones are dead ends, backtracking, and retracing a new path from where the old one went wrong. It would take longer for them to find the right choice this way, but the Mage's powers would grow stronger through experience. By the end of the game the Mage will know exactly what to do and when. And since they're a Light player, they would be able to get everyone's attention, unlike Sollux.

#session analysis #homestuck #classpect #classpecting

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offmychest-official · 1 month

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in a week itll be a year. i should be over it by now i should be over it. when all of this went down i was so ready and willing to accept your judgement when you passed it, so used to being the one in the wrong, the abandoned. but everything you said was in the vaguest terms. i couldnt figure out what i did, and my lack of memories didnt help. you didnt tell me what i did. you made me disappear. i cut myself down as small as possible so i would never cross your mind, never show up in your life again. you did not afford me the same sensibility. i spent the better part of a year terrified of social situations cos i didnt know what i did wrong, didn't know what to stop doing, didn't know what signs to look for or what thinking to change. i spent the better part of a year seeing people do unimaginably worse than what i felt i did + still loved + still cared for + still helped, though i can't be sure, cos i dont remember. maybe i did do something even worse? maybe i am the monster? after all, i'm "sickening". im "fucked in the head and stupid for it". i spent the better part of a year walking into narratives about second chances + forgiveness, completely + utterly convinced i was too monstrous to be given the grace of either. but the more i try to grasp at the memories i do have + the memories of what you said. hypocrite. you all called me a hypocrite. you called me a hypocrite for not communicating. all i can remember is trying my best to communicate. trying my best to clear things up. actually going to people with my misconceptions was a huge fucking step for me, + every time i was wrong i apologized. but you. you never came to me. you never came to me with a single thing, not even once. you never said anything i did hurt you. i kept asking, if i do something wrong you'll tell me right? you'll tell me? you always went of course i would. you never did. i had to find out after the fact that you didn't. that you kept lying and lying and lying and lying. i remember clearly, a diamond of an intact memory, asking you, "you'll be honest with me, right?" you responding "of course i'll be honest." you lied and lied and lied and lied to me. you were, in fact, hurt, by things i did or said, + just never brought it up to me. ever. that you held grudges for two years before exploding on me that day when i couldn't communicate anything cos id been raped and was on benzos barely comprehending it or anything happening to me. that day i didnt kill myself cos i stepped back and thought, wait, i want to keep talking to these people more than i want to die - these people who threw me to the wolves the moment i tried to come back to their doorstep, looking for any kind of comfort from the delusion, from the relentless abuse. now i hear youre saying how you 'survived' me. youre telling everyone how terrible i was. you keep going on and on about how youre such a good friend, a good person, compassionate. i remember how i suffered while you watched uncaring. how never once did you ever message me at all without prompting, never once asked me if i was ok, never once asked about my day or why i was acting a certain way, never once asked for clarification if you misunderstood, just held a grudge. sure, you mightve asked me if i was okay once, when id gotten to the point where i could not function + was experiencing category errors + acting erratic, but the moment i deflected - wounded, finding it hard to trust, convinced you'd already made it clear earlier you didn't care - its out of your hands, can't be helped! you never once lifted a finger to help, while i was always trying to help you + see if you were alright, you hypocritical fuck and you're crying about how youre so loyal and hold onto things so hard when i know for a fact i held onto my rapist harder than you held on to me. you were all too eager to let me go! just like my rapist told me you would be. you're a fair weather friend and you don't even fucking know it

the family i come from is a toxic, caustic cesspool. i know that. i knew that. maybe i didn't realize what seemed level headed to me came off as aggressive + lashing out to other people. but you could have told me. you could have acted like a human. you could have acted like EYE was a human. but no, its so much easier to shoot the bleeding dog when it shows up on your doorstep and call it a wolf to your friends, isn't it? after all, beaten dogs don't get loving homes. they get put down. they're a danger! i want to be over this. but it hurts it hurts it hurts every time it comes back into my head i feelfeverish i feel nauseous and faint head going in circles. i am being skinned to the bone while alive i am being vivisected. i will never know what i did wrong and you will never know what happened with me. we have to live like this. closure is a myth people tell themselves exists to feel better.

#off your chest #rape #drugs #abuse #I'm not sure if this is part of the last ask or not so it's going into the queue like it's a seperate ask #sorry if it is

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mourningwithmagicians · 7 months

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questions i wish i could ask you

how are you truly, genuinely. answer it but dont tell me

do you want me to wish you a happy birthday? would that help or hurt? it'll hurt to me to reach out to you in any type of way. can i wish you a happy birthday spirtually? i dont want to ever speak to you again and i dont want to ever hear from you again. can you consider me dead and mourn me that way? aug 12 was the worst day because you texted me and it ruined my night knowing my bubble of pretending we never existed was burst.

how is your family? please give me thorough updates. i feel like you don't get this but i was ready to accept them. no question. i really hope you knew it but i meant it. truly would've done it. and would've been okay with it. i don't really know what point it got to be too much. maybe i just outgrew it when i realized nothing was changing but even then im not too sure

are you okay? please be and if you're not just lie to me

are you dating? does it fucking suck? i hope not and i hope you've found the love of your life. sorry for wasting so much of your 20s btw

do you know how incredible and loveable and a gem you are?

do you know that you can just run away/you dont owe anything to anybody? run away please.

Hey. I don't think you read these and god forbid you do. I wonder if there are regrets. I genuinely think we both gave it our all, right? But do you think that jesus fucking christ, sometimes it feels like you'll never truly love or be loved again? the way i loved and touched you? the way you touched me and knew me? how is it going to feel to be known again? i can't imagine. i wish you had picked me. i knew you couldn't have but i wish you did. im so so sos oso sososososo fucking sorry your circumstances. there was literally nothing you could've done. but i couldn't make myself a martyr.

sometimes i wish i had. a lot of time times i wish i had. i'll never be loved again the way you loved me. and i chose solitude over hardship that we would've had. i would've been there with you for it all, i know i would have. i know i deserve peace, but with you, i didn't want it. i was okay to not be your priority. i was okay to just be with you .

the love for you comes in waves. moments where i realize your birthday is inching closer. this time last year was you, our sex, watching house of dragon. how funny it all is now. all faded to oblivion. none of it matters.

and here are the tears. i knew they were here. lost within questions i'll never get to ask.

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apieceofconsciousness · 1 year

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oh my fucking god im 18 in a week

god i was about to write some sappy shit and it just it me and its over im no longer a child ever ever again after this and im crying im fucking sobbing its 2:29 in the morning and i have school tmrw and my jaw is shaking because i cant stop sobbing. this is the end. the final nail in the coffin of childhood. i cant do this im not ready please take me back im so sorry i know i wasnt a good person but also maybe i was 15 for fucks sake im so sorry ive hurt so many people and i cant take it back i cant even do mothers day right for gods sake my mom has to deal with me so much im so so so sorry mom i love you so much and i cant even show it properly god i cant do this i can barely do mondays god im losing myself im losing myself so much. ive been a wreck on legs for a decade and im getting slower i cant do this anymore i cant do anything properly by myself anymore i am so fucking bad at this i had so so so much more i wanted to do by the time i hit this for some reason magic number 18 and god im such a fucking failure. im so so so sorry. why am i so wrong. jackie has to put up with me my friends just deal with me i can see it when they instantly tune out they dont care anymore because ive been too high around them too many times they instantly think i have nothing useful to say or they just dont care and i get it i fucking get it i beg and beg and plead for change but i just cant do it its too much to handle and its too much to do and i cant handle it because im fucking useless. everyone around me is going to these universities and i feel like im losing myself even after having a plan. i dont know what to do. i has supposed to do more things than ive done and im so lazy and useless and shes going to leave me once shes had enough of my bullshit and no matter how much i care i can never show it properly never take the actions to do it properly. why is everyone else always doing it better, why do they seem more put together. i cant do this anymore. what wall am i behind that im missing just how horrible am i at everything god im so fucking bad at this. it took a very long time to understand just how deep the hate for myself goes. im battling myself. im so so tired. i need help and im still never going to ask for it in the way i need, that would be too much out of someone. i cant do this anymore, my body is tired, my mind is tired, i want to wither away. all of my desperate reaches to be noticed, to be a mark on the world is overwhelmed by not wanting to be a burden onto the people around me. i can barely show the right love back to the people who love me, the people who care about me. if im going to be worth nothing, then i shouldnt be taking up this space and time and become nothing. I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT HERE. I TRIED TO END IT 5 TIMES BUT OUT OF PURE SPITE OF DEATH I REMAIN HERE. I LIVE. I LIVE!!! I LIVE AND I LOVE AND I BREATHE. I REMAIN HERE TO LOVE. PLEASE READ THIS. PLEASE REMEMBER ME. PLEASE ASK ME HOW IM DOING AND ASK AGAIN WHEN ITS OBVIOUSLY THE WRONG ANSWER. PLEASE ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM. IM SORRY I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE THE BEST PERSON OR FRIEND OR PARTNER OR SON BUT IM TRYING IM TRYING GODAMMIT WHAT IS THIS FOR IF NOT TO TRY AND TRY AND TRY. I REMEMBER BEING 12 AND THINKING I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT TO 18 BUT IM HERE I FUCKING MADE IT OH MY FUCKING GOD IT TOOK SO MUCH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS AND IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING BECAUSE THE TIME WOULDVE PASSED ANYWAYS BUT WE'RE HERE WE DID IT 15 YEAR OLD ME. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN 18 WASNT EVEN A POSSIBILITY BESIDES IN PROMISES TO PEOPLE WE CANT EVEN TALK TO ANYMORE? IM FUCKING HERE AND IT SUCKS OH MY GOD IT SUCKS SO FUCKING BADLY BUT IM STILL HERE AFTER ALL OF IT. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE GOING THROUGH SHIT RN FOR 6 MONTHS BUT I LOOK BACK AND IVE BEEN SAYING THAT ABOUT SHIT FOR YEARS AND LOOK WE'VE BEEN STAYING MOVING FORWARD. ITS SO HARD TO CONTAIN IM SHAKING AND SOBBING MY EYES OUT BUT WE DID IT WE DID IT IM PROUD OF YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH BUT WE MADE IT HERE. REMEMBER THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. BUT ITS HERE IN SPITE OF IT ALL

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bloodhailmp3 · 1 year

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had this dream last night i wld like 2think of as an acceptance /moving on dream. was once again in a weird grim school setting w ppl who were mean 2 me in school but this time the ppl im currently friends w were there too. and one of the ppl i went to school irl w started laying into me abt stuff im self conscious abt n i was like i cant help that. im autistic. n she was like Oh uhhhh okay.... n i was like is there anything else u want me to change abt myself to make you feel better?? n she started thinking n then i was like actually i dont care. dont bother telling me. n then the group of ppl i am currently friends w started calling me over n i just got up n joined them. n usually a dreamlike that would end in me angry and upset and in tears but this time i just felt content and ready to move on. very on the nose but quite sweet on the part of my subconscious

#mp

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kamil-a · 1 year

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1, 6, 11 for ask meme!

hi, do you remember asking this? ive been keeping it safe! it's fic wip ask meme asks. im looking at the fic in question again. i dont know what to say for 1 or 6, but-

11. what’s going through each character’s head in this moment?

alice is adjusting to castle life and feeling the sort of feeling of "it's too good to be true", waiting for the next wave of depression to take her under.

ace - and im still kind of struggling with why, but i might be fine letting it just be "because that's what the fic is about" - is feeling a slight impulse to be a little less self destructive, and it's expressing itself through him 'coincidentally' finding ways to let external forces take him places- sort of a subconscious expression of, "i am ready to accept help. i am ready to admit that something is wrong with me that i can't fix on my own, but that can be helped by another."

julius senses ace emotionally bending his knees in preparation to do something healthy for once, and on a deep subconscious level he hates it. to his mind, ace is who he can turn to and think At Least I'm Better Off Than- , so the idea that ace could improve his situation, could become happy, is really, really, unthinkably scary to him. and also anger, because his friendship with ace is a large part of what keeps him trapped and held down in these toxic ways of thinking in the first place, so how dare he, but i'd say it's more fear than anything else- like, there'll be nothing between him and rock bottom. but of course that's a very very very very bad thing to express, and in the interest of not looking utterly pathetic it appears to his conscious brain as a: grumpiness b: having a personal depression episode for seemingly no good reason c: disbelief, no way can he actually do what he thinks he can. it'll be fine, you'll see, nothing will change, don't worry so much.

#ask #thoughtful honking

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par-slayyy · 1 year

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How tf do people confess to their friends?? Like genuinely, how does the fear not eat you from the inside at the possibility of fucking it all up. Im literally making a map of best to worst case responses and one of the worst is that he tries to be so nice and considerate about rejecting me but you can tell that something has irrevocably changed and we never have the same comfort with each other and never speak again. My literal nightmare. I dont think i could recover from losing a friend like that. Ironically, he confessed to me years ago when I wasnt ready and now it feels like too much time has passed. What if he doesnt feel the same anymore. What if he's dating someone. What if he does like me back but he cant deal with my mixed messages and he's tired. I want to subtly flirt with him or at least be playful, but what if he doesnt reciprocate. What if it's a drag. I invited him to hang out platonically but what if he only accepted out of politeness. He's too kind to be mean to me and i dont want to come off as taking advantage of that. I dont want to trap him in an uncomfortable situation. I feel like im forcing myself into his life. What if he doesnt even want to be friends anymore because im too confusing to be around anyway.

I want to backtrack and give him an out but i cant think of a phrase that wont make it seem like *i* dont want to hang out or wont make him feel pressured into doubling down his yes to make me feel better or doesnt reek of insecurity (which is what it is).

So if i do go through with hanging out, i at least want to tell him that it's been a while since we really hung out and that we've probably changed. Like we're still the same at the core (he's still silly, helpful, nerdy, smart and considerate. a real dork that i love being around) but he's grown a lot. He physically grew taller, but also grown as a person in small ways. Just like how im still the same at the core, nice and other stuff, but ive changed in small ways too. And i just want to get to know him again. Hopefully he receives it in a positive way. His reaction should give me a clue of whether he's open to it or not. Mid case scenario, i dont confess and i dont fuck it up and we continue at least as close friends. Ideal scenario he feels the same and he would like to be more than friends. We hold hands, kiss to end the day maybe(??) and we start dating from then on and it all works out

#so if anyone has any suggestions let me know 🥲👍#im literally shaking #relationship advice #relationship help #relationship #confession #confession advice #romance advice #romance help #im so down bad for him but i dont want to fuck it up #i can shove aside my feelings if it means keeping him as a friend #i dont want a repeat of last time #how cruel would it be if i confess after all this time and he's moved on and doesnt see me like that anymore #but i wanna kiss him so bad too

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dumbbitchfrommars · 2 years

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who knew i how much i appreciated a chill night in. i am absolutely knackered though last night was fun. i need to learn to handle my liquor, or just not drink at all. its fucking up my skin and mental health and honestly i feel so concerned while i work that ill end up like those addicts. anyway, tomorrow i will eat extra to makeup up for lost time yesterday and today.

so.... i have feelings for my friend. he is sweet and charming and so so kind, and i know he likes me too, he literally has since the day we met. its been, what? two years since we met? that’s crazy. i havent been ready for the longest time. ive known i liked him for ages as well. i kissed him on my birthday. i feel like things happen between us whenever theres some alcohol in our systems. but at the same time, its like it reveals the truth. i have less fear to act on my feelings. the stolen glances and smiles to each other, the way he’d come to me just from a look. like a magnet pulled us together constantly. i wasn’t interested in anyone but him... maybe one girl but its different with her, more flirtacious and no strings attached.

anyway, towards the end of the night i ended up next to him in his bed. i get so nervous with him. but i feel like a little girl. like, just the biggest most wholesome schoolgirl crush. i invited him to dinner and he agreed. so theres my olive branch after two years of mixed messages. my mum likes him, i like him, he has great friends, i like him on an intellectual and physical level. which is crazy, cause for the longest time i didnt want to like him on a physical level.

i think this whole experience, of having these feelings but trying to push them down on account for my physical preference, has taught me alot. its not fair to body shame someone. i have struggled with feeling inadequate for my body when i have no control over it. imagine if id just been accepted as a girl, i wouldve been able to enjoy my stumbling deer days when i was supposed to be lanky and skinny and awkward. so, i want to accept him as he is, and maybe that could help me grow in my own way too.

there’s no denying i feel a little weird about it, but its just so different with him, compared to scorpion, cause i genuinely am attracted to him. hes flirty and assertive and interesting and a darling. i dont want to be afraid of having feelings for someone again. i want to be open and ready. i am ready. ive been seeing 888 999 and 555. change and transcendence. perhaps a transformational relationship. or romantic friendship? i dont want to put any expectations to it. i just want to enjoy the connection we have.

anyway, i mainly wanted to come on here and gush about a certain moment last night. i can barely even remember what happened, or the context of the situation. i just know, he stroked my hair, and it made me feel like i was on fire. my stomach was going crazy and i looked straight into his eyes and ugh it was just magical and so seductive lol. i cant believe im even saying this! and then i instantly told him dont you do that, and smiled in that knowing way. how embarrassing!!!!! but also how sexy!!!!! he definitely wouldve known what i was thinking, and how i was feeling.

i am the worst at hiding my feelings. i wish i could be mysterious and sexy but the reality is im an open book and i am a professional at embarrassing myself. hopefully he doesnt remember. but also... hopefully he does. i like that he has that power/effect over me. i dont think ive felt genuine attraction like this to someone in the longest time. scorpion and my summer fling both made me cringe, they were hopeless and truly gave me the ick. i still dont understand how i managed to convince myself i had feelings for them.

but, this man is a libra, and hes wonderful, and i have feelings for him. i want to be better for him. i want to be there for him. i want him to be happy and to feel cared for... i dont know. i am so glad i got the courage to ask him to dinner. because i honestly have been wanting to for weeks now, but i didnt know how to ask. thank you God for bringing these opportunities into my lap! thank You for the protection you give me and the love i am surrounded by!!! xxxxxxoxoxo

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