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coolprettyleo · 2 months

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know its for the better - begin again au ☆

wc: 1.8k

tw: drinking. angst. family angst. kinda fluff. slut shaming. I think I got them all

ryan leonard x hughes sister au

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

ryan and frankie walked down one of the busiest streets in boston; frankie hoping to find inspiration and ryan trying the make sure she doesn't kill her self doing so.

he couldn't understand why she was so reckless with her life? she was very loved and important to so many people. i mean he knew he loved her when he first met her. why couldn't she see how amazing she was?

"I have my fake with me, plus the bouncer adores me so i think i can so get you in" she says acting annoyed but secretly happy. even though she wanted to act like ryan coming along with her was a drag, it wasn't. she liked having him here. it made her feel seen.

"frankie, i still dont think this is the way to solve things" he says to her as they get in line to go into frankies favorite bar.

"not everything has to be solved it just has to be dealt with, and this is how im dealing with it" she said with an eye roll.

ryan opened his mouth to say something but stopped when her phone when off. he sees her screen light up with a Group FaceTime call; her brothers. but to his surprise she declines?

"spam call" she waves him off after she sees ryan eye her skeptically.

"you didn't tell them yet?" he said after a moment.

ryan knew her too well.

"nope" she says popping the 'p'. "and I dont plan on it anytime soon" she adds.

"so you just plan to lie to them for the rest of your life?"

"its not lying, its avoiding. I dont lie" she said not looking at him.

"I think you’re scared to tell them because you know once you tell them. It’ll be real" he says looking at her with a challenging look.

"ryan. this is real life right now, your not dreaming" she says sarcastically, wiggling her fingers in his face.

she was so cute. even if she was being a pain in the ass.

they got to the front of the line, where the bouncer was and frankie was quick to whisper something into the bouncers ear. the bouncer eyes running up and down ryan, before ultimately deciding to lift the rope and letting them through.

"I dont think I want to know what you told him" he said to her as she pulled him by his shirt collar. something that he found to drive him crazy.

"dont be dirty, I just told him you were my gay friend. so dont get with any girls tonight please. he'll know im lying"

your the only girl I want.

"im here to watch you, not to get with girls and party" he says seriously as she orders them drinks.

"no. if im going to let you follow me around like a puppy tonight your going to party with me mr. leonard." she says handing him the drink throwing him these eyes. eyes that have gotten her everything she's ever wanted. those eyes. eyes that made ryan want to complete every wish she's ever wished.

"if I take this shot with you, you have to listen to me, tonight. I know you like to run away. so dont"

"okay! yay!" she says as she pinky promises him.

frankies hallway filled with giggles as ryan said another dad joke. she kept her promise and didn’t run away. it was one a.m. and it had honestly been the earliest she came back from a night out. and to her surprise she was only tipsy. ryan had actually kept her good company all night.

"did you hear the rumor about butter" he says while leaning against the wall as she looks for her keys in her purse.

"ryan shutup please" she said laughing.

"okay. I wouldn't want to spread it anyways!"

"oh god" she said as she looked at him with so much adoration. she didn’t realize how much she needed someone to care and to show they cared. the way ryan did.

“thank you ryan” she said seriously. and a thought couldn’t help but bloom over her mood as she realized what was most likely going to happen.

“anytime pretty” he said as starred into the eyes that make him want to do flips off rooftops.

“I know drew is your teammate and everything, but like please dont be a stranger”

“im sorry?” ryan was confused to what she was trying to say.

is she drunk?

“like im saying since i won’t be around as much anymore and you guys are probably going to wanna be respectful to drew and stuff, just dont be a stranger. so please if you, will, and gabe ever see me just dont be afraid to talk to me. i’ll always be nice.”

ryan couldn’t belive his ears. she thought they were all just going to stop talking to her?

“franks. just because my teammate is an asshole doesn’t mean we dont care about you. you are a person who is easy to love and unbelievably smart. and im sorry drew couldn’t see that. you dont deserve that at all” he said looking into her eyes as Frankie’s eyes couldn’t help but water.

this was the nicest thing a guy has ever told her.

“you really think so” she whispered just realizing how close they were standing next to one another. he smelt like what frankie would call a comfort smell. and as she looked at him she just wanted to trace every one of his freckles while he told her everything that’s ever happened to him.

“I do” he said. luckily for ryan. this wouldn’t be the only time in years to come he would say this to frankie. they both leaned in as frankie stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. a kiss that made her stomach do flips. a kiss that made his stomach do flips.

ryan couldn’t help but wrap his arms around her waist as she wrapped her arms around her shoulders and bring him closer. the kiss felt like they’ve searched for one another their whole lives. it felt right. time stood still.

ryan pulled away first as he realized they were both tipsy and she was probably more tipsy then him. the insecurity of she was going to act like nothing happened tomorrow creeped up on him.

“what’s wrong” she said with a hand on his cheek. her heart dropping when he pulled away.

“im sorry, i shouldn’t. we shouldn’t. we’ll talk tomorrow, go inside frankie” he said stepping away from her.

“did I do something?” she said feeling her heart drop.

“no- its just- i don’t want you to wake up tmrw and regret this, i want it to actually mean something and I dont want to be just another guy to add to your roster” he says not knowing that made frankie feel like shit.

I mean she knows herself she's the type of person to have a good time. but the fact he just thought she was going to play him? is that what drew thought when she was getting with him.

maybe thats the reason he never opened up to me

“dont worry your far from it now ryan!. have a good life” she said opening her door.

“frankie i didn’t mean it like that-“

he couldn’t even explain himself because the door had already slammed in his face.

frankie didn’t know why ryan saying that hurt her so much but it did. he basically just called her a whore in her mind and she wanted to run into her room and scream into pillow. but of course her life never went her way.

standing inside were two out of her three brothers looking like they wanted to strangle her.

“where the hell have you been” luke yelled. as jack got off the phone with whoever he was talking to. mumbling something about how frankie just walked in.

frankie was actually speechless. she never thought her brothers would make the trip to boston to see why the hell she was ignoring them.

“out of all the irresponsible things you’ve done in your life , this has to be the worst. mom was so close to calling the cops. she’s on her way with dad. we thought you were dead!” jack scolds her as she takes off her coat.

"thats a little dramatic"

"no! it isn't. we gave you space but then imagine our surprise when your coach calls and says you quit!" luke counters back. "if your having a manic episode or whatever they call it, tell us. we'll help you" Luke adds in a gentler tone.

frankie wanted to do nothing but run away as she just starred at them. the fear she had been running away since she quit was standing in her living room and they were standing their angry.

"does mom and dad know" she said after a long silence.

"yes. we all have. we've been waiting for you to own up to it and tell us though" jack answered.

"is everyone mad at me" she said as her eyes filled up with tears.

"im mad that you've had us worried sick. I mean I had to resort to asking rutger and gavin to ask their world jrs teammates if they've seen my own sister" Luke said with a scolding look. one that looked scarily similar to her mothers.

"dont listen to him, I dont know why you were s scared to just tell us. its not going to change anything between us" jack said as he walked over to his little sister and gave her a hug.

frankie didn't like hugs. she felt so awkward with them but in that moment she wanted nothing but to sob into her older brothers arms like she once did when the other girls at school were making fun of her because she played hockey and didn't do dance or cheer like the rest of them. she needed her family.

"cmon Luke" she said opening her arm out to her brother who stood of to the side. Luke accepting because he could never stay mad at his little sister.

"just dont ever do this again. if you want attention go find yourself a lover or something" Luke said laughing as they pulled away.

"hey! none of that" jack said not thinking anyone was ever going to be good enough for his sister.

"dont worry jack, I need a break from boys" she said with a sigh as she remembered what happened with ryan about ten minutes ago.

"dont talk to us about your boy problems thats why you have Quinn" jack said gagging.

"quinn also wants you to call him" jack said as he started walking to her guest bedroom.

"you good?" Luke said as he started settling into her couch and noticed her sister looked as if her mind was far else where.

how do I tell him I ruined my reputation. everyone thinks im a slut.

"I dont know"

#nhl imagine #ryan leonard #frankie x ryan #gabe perreault #will smith hockey #nhl imagines #bc hockey #hockey fic #hockey imagine #gabe perreault x reader #jack hughes #luke hughes #quinn hughes #hughes sister

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pacifymebby · 1 year

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may I please request ‘the peaky blinders taking care of you when you’re sick’? <33

woke up sick today and wish one of them would take care of me :,)

thanks in advance <3

As someone who is always sick (and totally pathetic about it too) i love this request. But i dont love that you're sick!! That sucks so hard. I hope you're feeling better soon and i hope this cheers you up a little bit.

Tommy

🌿 Is the kind of person who, when he's sick, or when his brothers are sick, he doesn't take it seriously at all, he powers through and expects others to power on through too. After all the men of this country have been through much worse than a sore head and a few sniffles

🌿 When it comes to you however everything is different. He worries too much, he worries much more than is necessary considering you've only really got a cold.

🌿 When you first start complaining that you're not feeling too good he frowns, checks your temperature with the back of his hand and tries not to show you how worried he is.

🌿 "Alright love why don't you stop with that and rest a little while eh? I'll get a bath drawn for you and you can stop worrying about all this..." he'll say it like its a suggestion but really its an instruction. He won't let you lift a finger whilst you're not well.

🌿 He will change his plans so that he can stay home - he will not let you know he's done this! - and then he'll hover around you for the rest of the day, trying to be subtle about his concern.

🌿 Its almost like he's shy about caring for you in this way, he knows you only have a cold but he can't help how much he worries about you, and besides, youre so precious to him, youre like this source of light in his life, one of the only truly good people he knows in the world and the idea that you could be suffering in anyway distresses him

🌿 He'll send for the doctor the moment you start to show signs of a fever. He'll have you on bed rest and he'll give the staff strict instructions not to let you get up for anything.

🌿 He'll spoil you, making sure that your favourite meals are prepared, he'll have them brought to your bed, even if you say you're well enough to eat in the dining room he won't allow it.

🌿 Roaring fires burning at all times. He wants to make sure you're cosy and comfy.

🌿 When you get worse and you really do start to feel terrible, and terribly sorry for yourself as a result, he will sit with you in your bed and hold you for as long as you want. He'll even sing you to sleep if you ask him nicely.

🌿 Will still give you kisses even when you tell him not to. "You'll get sick!" "Don't worry about me angel I'll be fine..." "Little cold isn't gonna stop me kissing my girl, come here..."

🌿 So many forehead/temple kisses.

🌿 Finds it comforting when you fall asleep in his arms because it means he can keep you nice and close where he's able to sense even the slightest change in you. He'll lie back with you asleep in hid arms, your head resting on his chest, and he'll stroke his fingers through your hair, listening to you breathing. Its peaceful and he feels almost relaxed.

🌿 Anything you need he will make sure you get it, he'll dote on you. He might start to feel sick himself if he catches it from you but he will ignore it and he certainly won't let you know. He'll keep it to himself and won't let it get in the way of caring for you.

🌿When you're better and he's still sick he'll get so grumpy and irritable if you try to care for him the way he did you. "Its patronising love, i hate sympathy!"

Arthur

🍂 He'll tease you about it at first, he won't take you seriously. "Women are so dramatic about these things..." at first you'll laugh along, tease him for being a sexist but then

🍂 When you actually do start to think maybe you really are sick, his dismissals won't be so amusing and you'll not laugh at his jokes anymore. Instead you'll pout and get this wounded look in your eyes and he'll realise he's said the wrong thing...

🍂 "What now? Youre not really feelin sick now are you?" "Why would you care I'm probably just being dramatic..." "Oh darlin come on now dont be like that eh, you know i was only jokin with you... Come on come here..."

🍂 Suddenly he's all sympathy and cuddles, opening his arms out for you, hugging you and placing a big kiss on your forehead. He'd hold the back of your head in his palm and check your temperature by placing his cheek to your cheek. When he realises youre burning up he'd change his attitude aboit your sickness completely.

🍂 He'd be really reassuring, telling you he's going to send for a doctor, that he'll look after you, get you all the medicine you need to have you on the mend again.

🍂 "You just let your Arthur take care of you sweetheart, have you feelin right as rain alright?"

🍂 Firm believer in hot toddies. The first thing he'll do is get you wrapped up in blankets by the fire and make you a hot toddy to drink. He'll tell you its better than any medicine and in many ways he's right.

🍂 His family and the peakys will take the piss out of him no end because when you're sick he'll drop everything to fuss over you. He's gotten himself into trouble with Tommy before phoning him to tell him he can't come with him to a meeting because "well y/n's ill tommy, need to look after her..." "Theres maids who can look after her Arthur I need you..." "No, no that won't do, won't leave my y/n to be looked after by maids when she's sick, I need to be here Tom... You'd be the same..."

🍂 He will let the maids care for you, to an extent... He just won't leave you alone, at all, it would be annoying if it wasn't so endearing.

🍂 Asking you how you're feeling every ten minutes.

🍂 Falling asleep with you in his arms even though he's trying to stay up to keep an eye on you.

🍂 When he inevitably catches the cold from you he is 10x more dramatic than you ever were and though you do say "I told you so" once or twice, you don't have the heart to tease him too much because it is a rotten cold and he caught it because he was so devoted to taking care of you.

🍂 When you're better you tell everyone its all thanks to "nurse arthur" which really winds him up and gets you into no end of trouble.

Alfie

🐻 You always bring out Alfie's gentle and caring side but when you're ill he's even more tender and nurturing with you than usual.

🐻 He can sense that you're coming down with something before you do and so he quietly prepares for it. You've been stressed out a lot lately, you've worn yourself out... When he catches you sniffling he knows what you're in for.

🐻 He'll be being extra careful with you before you've even started to feel rough, putting his arm around you when you're out walking instead of just holding your hand. Hovering round you more than usual. He'll have you sit in his lap instead of in your own chair and he'll want to just hold you and encourage you to relax and rest.

🐻 So by the time you get sick he's already half way to making you feel better. "It's a like you saw this coming, you're always one step ahead i don't understand..." "I just know you very well don't I zieskiet, thats all, just know you inside and out..."

🐻 He'd draw a hot steamy bath with lavander to relax you. When you pout and tell him you don't want to be left on your own he'll give in and join you... Well, he won't take much convincing at all actually. He'll have you lie back against his chest in the hot water and he'll massage your shoulders, yoir back and your thighs until you're lulled and peaceful.

🐻 He'll let his hands wander too, a sensual massage to distract you from how rotten you're feeling...

🐻 He'll bundle you up in blankets and tuck you into bed. He'll leave Cyril to keep at eye on you and give you cuddles whilst he goes to prepare a hearty dinner for you. You'll be able to smell bread baking in the kitchen and thats how you know he's really spoiling you.

🐻 He will want to call for a doctor if you dont start to feel better the next day, you'll tell him not to fuss but he'll dismiss your protests, "Now now zieskiet, remember, I'm the oldest yeah, so i know best... You should remember that eh..." "But Alf..." "Ah-ah y/n, poppet, am I or am I not much much older than you?" He'll give you that stern, raised eyebrow look which tells you not to try and argue with him anymore. And you know that really he's right so you sigh, "yes Alfie..." "Right, that's right, thank you y/n, now... Don't that mean that I know best? I'll give you a clue poppet the answer to this question yeah, it's exactly the same as the answer to my last question..." "Yes Alfie..."

🐻 He can get quite stern when it comes to your health, he won't let you do anything he deems to be reckless... Which could just mean choosing not to phone for the doctor when you're sick. He'll make sure you see a doctor and he'll listen very carefully to what they have to say. Then he'll make sure you follow the doctors advice to the letter.

🐻 He'll take charge of things like your medicine so that you don't have to worry about anything.

🐻 "Now the only thing you need to worry about zieskiet, the only thing I want you to worry about poppet, is getting yourself some rest, all this is cause you don't take proper care of yourself yeah... All your rushin around, causin trouble, all thats wearing you out yeah... So what I want you to do, that's me, your old man yeah, what I'm telling you to do.. Is take your medicine and go to sleep..."

🐻 Ultimately though he's a huge teddy bear, he just wants to cuddle you and keep you close until you're feeling better. He'll hold you in his big arms night and day. Lots of hair and neck kisses.

John

🌼 Similar to Arthur, he'll be so immature at first. He'll probably make a cheeky comment about how you look. Might do a theatrical wince when he sees you, "Shit love you look terrible..." "Charming John, I feel fuckin terrible so I don't care..."

🌼 Hearing your miserable, sarcastic tone is enough to let him know he fucked up and he'll imediately try to compensate even though at first he'll dig himself another hole.

🌼"Well stay away from me then I don't wanna catch it off you..." him teasing you with a smile on his face, going into kiss you anyway.

🌼 But then when you wind up all teary eyed and sad looking he realises he isn't being as funny as he thinks he is and he changes his tactics.

🌼 "Aw come here flower I was just bein daft.. You know what I'm like never know when to be serious thats what you always say ain't it?"

🌼 Him wrapping his arms around you, holding you close to his body and stroking his hand over your hair. Holding your head to his chest and bowing his head to kiss your head.

🌼 Has quite strong fatherly instincts because of the kids, but he'd be lying if he said he really knew what to do. You're the one who looks after him and the kids when they're sick.. So he's a little bit lost but he really wants to get everything right

🌼 Tries really really hard. Will leave the house to get you your medicine and anything else you need no matter what time it is or what the weathers doing.

🌼 Him coming back, soaked to the bone because its raining so hard, but hes smiling and acting like he isnt bothered because he's got you your medicine so you'll be feeling better soon.

🌼 He will kiss you even though you tell him not to. He'll want to give you lots of cuddles. He'll try to tell you jokes or be daft and silly to cheer you up and keep you smiling.

🌼 Will try to cook for you, it doesnt go as horribly as you're expecting it to but your heart jumps every time you hear a crash come from the kitchen.

🌼 Will probably try to be careful and quiet so that you can sleep but its difficult, he likes talking to you!

🌼 Will tease you "ugh look at you youre all snotty and ill, get away from me plague girl," but he will litterally be trapping you in a hug at the same time and kissing you anyway.

🌼 Will get sick, will be a baby about it, "there we go everythings back to normal" when youre taking care of him.

Bonnie

🍀 Thinks its probably his fault you've gotten sick because you probably caught it off someone in the crowd at one of his fights. He firmly believes that the people from the city are dirty and carry germs. So he'll feel guilty.

🍀 Will want to be the one that cares for you even if he has other work he should be doing because you're his girl and he has a very strong caring instinct. He'll want to be responsible for you.

🍀 If you think youre going anywhere or doing anything you're mistaken, he'll have you shut up in the vardo, warm and cosy, wrapped in blankets.

🍀Brings you tea and herbal remedies to help you feel better. Though he mostly believes that what you really need is rest, sleep and good hearty food.

🍀 So he'll go out hunting to catch something really good to cook for you, he'll make you nourishing soup.

🍀 Will actually feed you the soup until you start laughing because you feel so silly

🍀 He won't stray too far from the camp for any other reason, just in case you need him. He'll make sure theres someone else around for you when he's gone.

🍀Him having to explain to the wee kids that you can't play with them today because youre not feeling well and when they sulk and say "its not fair" him grinning and saying "not fair on you, howd you think i feel?"

🍀 You really dont want to get him sick, he needs to be fighting fit for work and you dont want to make him ill. "Bon this shouldn't be you doing this for me, you need to stay away so you don't get..." "I won't get sick little dove, don't worry about me am a big strong lad..." he's really stubborn about this so don't try and argue.

🍀 He will give you all the cuddles he thinks you need. If youre a particularly tearful sick person he will absolutely dote on you, kissing you wherever you say it hurts, kissing your cheeks and eyes and wiping your tears away with his thumbs.

🍀 "Shh dont cry little dove youre alright, gonna get you feeling better soon yeah?"

🍀 Will tell you stories to make you laugh and to keep you from getting bored.

🍀 Putting a blanket out somewhere in the sunlight and sitting with you in his lap, telling you the sunlight will be good for you. Giving you his jacket and jumpers to keep you cosy even though its spring and the suns out.

🍀 Will be the sweetest boy and wont listen to anyone who tries to take the piss out of him for being too soft.

🍀 Won't get ill?! You don't know how he manages to avoid it but somehow he just doesn't catch the cold. Immune system of the gods. How is it possible. You're glad you didnt get him sick but Come On?!

Isaiah

🐀Will jokingly hold his fingers up in the sign of the cross when you sneeze. Will pretend he doesnt want you anywhere near him whilst youre sick.

🐀But he won't leave you alone, will want to kiss you and cuddle you better, he'll tuck you into bed nice and cosy and then lie on top of the covers beside you keeping you company and stroking your hair.

🐀He will run out to the shops to bring you medicine and anything else he thinks you might need. But he's more likely to prioritise buying you treats and comfort foods than he is healthy foods that might actually help.

🐀Like Arthur he believes whiskey cures all. Will bring a bottle of it up to the bedroom and pour you a glass.

🐀 Whilst you're really ill he'll stay nearby, checking your temperature, being very attentive, making sure you don't get anymore ill, he'll probably try to get you to sleep it off and he'll try to keep the house quiet, make sure no one disturbs you..

🐀If theres kids playing out in the street making a racket he will go out there barking orders at them to shut up or play somewhere else cause his girls trying to sleep.

🐀 Then when you're beginning to feel a little better he knows all sorts of ways to make you feel much better... "can't kiss you on the lips darlin but there's nothin stopping me kissin you anywhere else is there..."

🐀 The peaky lads inviting him out down the pub that night and then taking the piss out of him when he refuses, he'll just take the piss straight back, "aye just because i know how to look after my woman John..."

🐀The first few days when youre feeling better he'll still be kind of cautious, keeping a close eye on you, not wanting you to do anything that might make you ill again, "here you sit down love I'll get that for you..."

🐀Lowkey not capable of cooking you dinner and the peaky boys know it, so Ada or Pol will probably send John or Michael round with soups for you and Isaiah will get really defensive because he doesn't like people thinking he can't look after you.

🐀When youre better he'll get you to teach him so that next time he doesnt need anyones help looking after you.

🐀 He will catch your sickness off you but he won't suffer anywhere near as badly as you and he won't let you look after him. If you try so much as to suggest running a bath for him he'll scowl at you and tell you not to patronise him.

Michael

☘️ Does not want to get sick, does not want yo avoid you either so is pretty torn about what to do.

☘️ In the end he settles for kissing your forehead/cheek but not your lips. He'll hold your hands/stroke your hair but if you sneeze or cough he'll totally flinch or shift away.

☘️ He will make sure the maids get you everything you need whenever you need it. He'll have everyone under strict instructions to look after you and you'll become everyone's prioroty.

☘️ Polly will be lowkey pleased because now that youre sick Michael is refusing to do peaky work. He doesnt want to leave you on your own for too long.

☘️ He spoils you, and tells you youre spoilt, but youre his precious girl and he thinks you should be happy all the time, getting whatever you want whenever, and now youre sick and you look so sad his need to keep you happy and look after you is doubled.

☘️ He'll have the house staff bake you cakes snd make all your favourite foods, will feed you the cake and it will feel ridiculous and you will both laugh so much.

☘️He'll sit and read to you, reading you to sleep and reading to you to comfort you when you have a fever.

☘️ He will definitely catch the cold. He will be so so grumpy about catching the cold. You'll both end up tucked up in bed beside one another with the cold feeling rotten but cuddling eachother through it.

☘️When you start feeling better he'll try to pretend hes better too because he finds you trying to take care of him imasculating. He'll end up making himself more ill until he's forced to stay in bed and let you feed him soup and admit that sometimes it's okay to let your woman look after you for a change.

#bonnie gold x reader #peaky blinders imagines #tommy shelby x reader #arthur shelby x reader #john shelby x reader #peaky blinders headcanon #alfie solomons x reader #peaky blinders imagine #michael gray x reader #isaiah jesus x reader

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medusa12346 · 1 year

Text

Placements who can get stalkers:

All are personal observations and information and logic, please don't take it as a literal or factual thing.

1.Lilith-Pluto, Pluto-Ascendant, Pluto-venus: OFC! This placement can get intense stalkers and so many of them! Literally, y’all can walk and people would be running after you?? Especially if you have some sort of fame, holy- people would kill for you seriously. Also, people would get obsessed with you when you’re acting crazy or dominant, and others when you’re being bratty and childish. Whatever you do, its wanted.

2.Pluto-mars: This one has a lot to do with passion and anger. People like to see you get angry and are obsessed with that. You get stalked if someone sees you wear red. People get obsessed with you based on that! You get very possessive and dominant stalkers ( i mean all of them are but)

3.Neptune in 12th, Neptune touching pluto, Neptune in 8th with Pisces degree, Neptune in 12th with Scorpio degree, Neptune in 8th, Neptune in 12th: Idealism with intenseness? This.All of yous stalkers are obsessed with the version you can be, not you. They are not into your looks specifically, more into how mutable you are and how THEY can change and control you. Or what you could be. This could lead them to daydreaming and possible that could develop into maladaptive daydreaming, which is scary.

4.Neptune and mars: This is like aggressive idealism. Someone to actually think of taking you or possibly even k!dnapping you.(Remember that actions done by someone doesn't=placement) This can actually get you into serious danger.

5.Neptune and venus: The reason why I put Venus and Mars separate is because, venus is not scary. This placement in general wouldn't make it scary. It would actually be pretty cute if its less, if not then it can escalate, but not really. Its like puppy love so I dont know if its okay to put this here, but, yes.

6.Ascendant-Venus: OKAY HEAR ME OUT, this is again puppy love but based on looks. Like they’ll be so captured by your beauty and cuteness AWW its cute! They’ll be obsessed. Not toxic.

7.Degrees with stalker placements:

The 12th degree: Dreamy obsession. Projection of fantasies

8th: Lustful eyes. Intense obsession.

24th degree: Starry eyes. For a long time.

29:Never ending. Many obsessors

#astrology #astrology notes #astro notes #astro observations #astrology observations #astroo #astroblr #astro posts

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sister-lucifer · 1 year

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what’s wrong with you based on your favorite batman villain

(don’t take these too seriously)

(sequel to this post)

The Riddler: Holy shit shut the fuck up for two seconds PLEASE. i know you have a touch of the tism and crave to derail every conversation to talk about your special interest but no one else is having fun. this is why you don’t have any friends. You also have a very niche and the second most expensive taste in clothing so you only have like 3 outfits to mix and match. You either dress like you’re going to the Met Gala or like a dad on vacation, no in between

The Penguin: STOP FUCKING IMPULSE BUYING!!! YOU HAVE TOO MANY TRINKETS!!! YOU DONT NEED IT JUST BECAUSE ITS PRETTY!!!! You have the most expensive taste in clothing, especially victorian undergarments, and spend an embarrassing amount of money to dress like a vampire. And stop being so hard on your body. It might not always be the perfect image of what you want, but it’s doing its best, even if you have to help it out a bit.

Harley Quinn: Sweetheart, I promise you are more than just your sex appeal. I know you grew up around misogyny and were raised to be a housewife but you’re free now!! Well…you would be if you stopped picking the shittiest men. A relationship does not define you, stop settling for assholes because you feel ashamed for being single. Have you tried dating a woman? No, seriously, try it. You deserve it

The Joker: Stop using your humor to deflect from your trauma, i bet your back hurts from carrying the weight of being the funniest person in your friend group. You’re a big time maximalist who spends an hour picking out a hundred accessories to wear and wind up being late because you couldn’t choose which kandi bracelets were best for the occasion. You’re still holding on to the last shreds of your teenage edgelord phase. Also clean your damn room and throw away those old drink cans, nasty ass

Catwoman: How does it feel to be the sexiest person in the room at any given time? Not good, I bet, since you struggle to make friends because of how often they wind up to only be after your body. Sorry you can’t catch a break. You’re probably still carrying money saving habits you got from your parents when you were a kid even though you don’t need to now. Also please try wearing a color besides black, it’s almost summer, you’re gonna die of heatstroke. Nice eyeliner though

Poison Ivy: Dude, so many people are crushing on you rn, how do you not see this?! You’re so hot but soooo emotionally unavailable, christ. A boy in middle school said something uncomfortable to you once which was then reinforced by the misogynistic micro aggressions you were subject to as a teenager and it’s kinda tainted your entire view of the male gender, which is fair but also kinda sucks.

The Scarecrow: Daddy issues, daddy issues everywhere. He was scary as fuck, wasn’t he? Your fear was valid. You really love to analyze people which wouldn’t be an issue if you could actually be subtle about it. Stop staring, you creep. Also, that flannel doesn’t look as good as you think it does, you look like a depressed lumberjack. Like please just buy a cardigan. Halloween is your favorite holiday and you get really annoying about it around mid august. And remember to brush your fuckin hair for gods sake

The Mad Hatter: You get like…reeeeaaaally weird about your crushes, man. Like whatever you’re doing it’s not normal. You can just talk to them, you know. You have the weirdest sexual interests but they’re more so hyper specific and niche than gross or unsettling. That��s better, I guess? You gotta leave your headspace and live in reality for a bit, man. I know it kinda sucks, but there are real people here! Also you’re short. Gross

#batman #batman rogues #the riddler #edward nygma #the penguin #oswald cobblepot #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #the joker #the scarecrow #jonathan crane #mad hatter #jervis tetch #poison ivy #pamela isley #catwoman #selina kyle

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offbrandkyoya · 11 months

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45 angel from heaven

previous | masterlist | next

Luck is on your side since that photo has been taken down. You’ve heard a few people talk about it but when asked for proof, there’s no proof to show. You let out a sigh of relief and laid your head down on your desk. You took out your phone and played around on it.

You frowned, staring at Scaramouche’s contact. Your conversation felt short and sweet but you still wanted to talk to him. You love him so much it’s crazy. Though, you didn’t know what to say. You sat up, opened your notebook, and started to sketch your boyfriend. That reminds you that you have that art contest to work on. The lecture started and everyone takes out their laptops, including you. Though, you worked on your project instead of paying attention.

You know what you want to do but you still searched for some inspiration. Something that can help amp your vision. You went back to your sketchbook once more and began a rough draft. The draft is due in a few days but you wanted to submit early since you probably won’t have time to paint. Painting takes a while, for you at least. You want this to be perfect.

The lesson ends and everyone goes to leave. You stare at your draft and smile proudly. It’s messy but you can see what you were thinking. You put your stuff away and pop in your earbuds. You begin to head out and go to the cafe since it’s break. However, you feel someone tap your shoulder, causing you to stop. You turn around and was surprised to see Thoma. You put away your earbuds and had your full attention on him.

“Thoma, hi! Whats up?” He smiled, “I called for you but it seems you didn’t hear me.” You scratched your head. “Sorry.” “It’s okay. I was wondering if you wanted to eat together?” You blink, surprised. “Me?” He nodded. “Just you and me. You seem cool so I want to get to know you.” You blushed at that then nodded. “Sounds good.”

You guys make your way to the lunch hall and ordered what you wanted. “I’ll pay.” Thoma says and you shake your head. “N-No, I’ll do it.” He laughs, “It’s fine, seriously.” You let out a sigh and let him pay for the meal. You guys sit down somewhere at the back. You never ate at the lunch hall since you didn’t have many friends. Thoma seems nice so you hoped you guys can be friends. The guys always encouraged you to make some outside the friend group. They worry that when they’re somewhere, you’d be all alone. You tell them that’s nonsense.

“If it’s okay to ask, why can’t you tell people your actual boyfriend?” Thoma speaks up. You froze and looked down warily. This caused him to panic. “S-Sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable! Forget what I said!” You wave your hands and look at him. “N-No, it’s alright.” You cleared your throat. “Well, it’s cause he’s pretty famous.” Your cheeks turn red at how crazy you sound.

“P-Please don’t tell anyone this but the guy I’m dating is Scaramouche…” You whispered and awaited a crazy gasp or scream. Instead, Thoma didn’t have a wild reaction. He stares at you for a while before tilting his head with an apologetic smile. “Sorry but I don’t know who that is.” Your eyes widen. “Wait, for real?” He nods. “He’s from 5WIRL. You know, the new member?” Thoma shook his head. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Huh.” You crossed your arms. “Do you at least know who 5WIRL are?” He shook his head again. “Damn.” You took out your phone and showed him a picture of scaramouche. “Him.” Thoma squinted, trying to think but nothing. “Sorry, I don’t know.” You’re shocked by this. Putting your phone away, you lean towards him, trying not to get your clothes dirty. “Wow, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t know 5WIRL.” He blushed, feeling embarrassed.

“I know. I’m pretty much living under a rock. I dont even use my social media that much.” You gasped. “Holy shit!” Thoma’s face turned red causing you to giggle. “It’s okay, Thoma. You just made things easier for me.” “I did?” You nod, “Dont worry. Hopefully you don’t have to pretend to be my boyfriend for a long time.” He chuckled. “Right.”

You continued to eat until Thoma asked, “Can I see him again?” You perked up. “Hm?” “Ah, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” “No, it’s okay.” You take out your phone again and showed him Scaramouche once more. He stared at him longer than before. “His face,” He starts. “It’s familiar.” You look at Scaramouche. “Does it?” He nods. “Yeah. For some reason, he reminds me of someone.” He sighs, “Unfortunately, I don’t remember who.” “Huh.”

It was your turn to stare. ‘I wonder who he’s talking about.’ Scaramouche has a slight feminine feature but it’s hardly noticeable at first. Then, you thought about the conversation you guys had on your last date. His mom was a singer. Perhaps that’s who Thoma is thinking about. You shake your head. ‘That’s dumb. Maybe it’s someone else.’

You put your phone away again. “Do you at least know who DCKZ are?” Thoma froze. “DCKZ?” “Yeah, they’re like really popular now.” Thoma shifted in his seat. “Oh, really?” “Yeah, it’s pretty crazy since 5WIRL were the popular ones before.” “I-I never knew that.” Thoma’s voice cracked and you noticed his face turn red. “Thoma, are you okay?” You asked, worryingly. “I’m fine. Sorry, you can continue.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure.” You were hesitant but obliged, “I’m not really close to them but Scaramouche is friends with them.” “Oh wow.” Thoma relaxed a little.

“Yeah but that’s cause he’s friends with Childe.” You laughed to yourself. “Actually, Childe was the one who sent me your picture. I wonder why he had you.” Thoma drank his water as he laughed nervously, “I wonder too…” You didn’t want to be nosy. Childe told you it was private and that made you curious. You sigh, resisting the urge to ask. You notice people getting up and realized it’s time to go. “I’ll see you later then Thoma.” You said with a smile.

Thoma smiled too. “See you, Yn.” You guys were about to head in different directions but someone interfered, “Shouldn’t you guys be walking to class together?” You two stopped dead in your tracks and looked at each other in a panic. “Uh, Thoma and I have different classes.” “Still.” They started to hover around you. “At least do a goodbye kiss!” Thoma spoke up, “I’m not comfortable with public affection.”

They started questioning you both and it was getting on your nerves. You have to stand up for yourself. Suddenly, you placed your hands on your hips, saying, “If you guys aren’t convinced then that’s not our problem. I don’t know what you guys want us to do. If we say we’re a couple then we are! Our relationship is not some drama show you guys can watch!” You took a step forward and that made the rest take a step back. “Thoma is clearly uncomfortable with certain things and I don’t mind it. What matters is that we’re in love so go leech on another couple instead of us!”

You grabbed Thomas arm and pushed yourselves into the crowd to leave. You ignored the looks and whispers. You were just proud that you finally stood up for yourself from those dorks. Once at a good distance, you let go, and bowed in front of Thoma. “I’m so sorry about that.” “N-No, it’s okay! Please don’t blame yourself.” He forces you to face him. “Thank you for getting us out of there.” You laughed, “Hey, I couldn’t take them any longer.”

You smiled at each other. “I’m just glad I didn’t have to kiss you.” You say but then covered your mouth. “Not that I don’t think you’re a bad kisser! It’s because i have a boyfriend and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea plus it’s wrong to do either way and-“ He bursts out laughing causing you to shut up.

“It’s okay, I understand.” Thoma pats your shoulder. “A kiss should be reserved for your one true love” You blushed. “Thanks. Talking about this is making nervous.” He tilts his head, “How come? Kissing him makes you anxious still?” You shake your head as you turn fifty shades redder. “N-No, it’s because…” You began to whisper, “We haven’t had our first kiss yet…” Its Thoma turn to become red in the face. “Oh!”

You covered your face in embarrassment. “I know! I mean, it makes sense because we just started dating and stuff but imagining it makes my heart explode!” You cling onto Thomas arm. “THOMA WHAT IF IM A BAD KISSER?!” He panics, “I’m sure you’re not!” You let go and slap yourself causing Thoma to jump. “Yn!” “If it turns out he hates it then I’ll give up on everything.” “PLEASE DONT SAY THAT!”

You face him with curiosity, “Actually, Thoma, have you ever had your first kiss?” Thoma freezes up and you notice his whole body turn red. You gasp, “You have?! With who?!” He stutters, “U-Um, with a friend.” “Omg!” He nods and covers his face. “Please, let’s not talk about it.” You smile pitifully. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He slowly uncovers his face. “It’s fine. It was so long ago. I didn’t even remember it till now.” You hummed. “Are you guys still friends?”

Thoma frowned and you decided to stop there. “Sorry.” He smiles warmly. “It’s alright. You didn’t mean any harm.” You smiled too. “You know, Thoma, you’re a really good person. I’m sure you’ll find someone.” He chuckled. “Thank you, yn.” You then pat his arm. “It’s their loss they had to miss out on a hunk like you.” Thoma turns red. “P-Please. I’m not that good looking.” “Uh, yes, you are. You’re the embodiment of a perfect man.” He turned his back to you. “Enough, I think I’m on fire.” You laugh. “I’m sorry!”

You pat his back, “Now I have to go. See you later, Thoma.” He faces you with a smile. “See you, Yn.” As you headed to class, you were happy that you finally made a friend.

- i 🩷 thoma

- such a shame i have to ruin his life

- i think thomas the type to get get flustered easily so sorry if he’s ooc

🏷️ @sakiimeo @coquettemaiden @rmiyuki @kur44pika @theblueblub @jxxji0309 @dreamsofminnie @ohmyfinggod @redactedhimbo @kunisbeloved @akagism2 @sketcheeee @thefandomcrow @beriiov @thenightsflower @yukiipc @scaraapologist @scarletttcroww @samyayaya @crucnhice @monaypo1 @feiherp @myaaones @warcelia @hangecanweholdhands @yuminako @valiryyz @screechingxiaolover @tiddieshakeshownu @ilovechuuyaa @d4y-dr3am3r @dazaisfavgf @swivy123 @ganyusbrideee @sagegreenthinks @the-left-glove @wonderland-fan @kylexzz @kaoyamamegami @whycantscarabereal @rvoulte @eunchaeluvr @lxkeeeee @silvermah @baby-bread-in @yelleloww @magica-ren

#scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche smau #genshin impact scaramouche #genshin impact xiao #genshin impact venti #genshin impact #genshin thoma #thoma #tartagalia genshin impact #genshin impact smau #genshin x reader #genshin impact wanderer #genshin impact thoma

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hell-raven · 8 months

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absurdly long tangent/analysis

EDIT FROM THE FUTURE: this isn't to dissuade anyone from interpreting the canon as they want i just wanted to share my personal opinions based on the preexisting canon that may or may not be very passionate, please just have fun do whatever you want none of this is fact

i really hate how utsuho is flanderized to death and constantly boiled down to "the dumb bird girl" because if you actually sit down and Read her dialogue instead of relying on secondhand information you learn quite a few things about her (when i say this is absurdly long i mean it so keep reading at your own risk)

extrapolating from her own dialogue:

she actually wanted to blow everything up in th11 for real and it wasnt just a "hehe whoops" kind of thing. she was bestowed an extremely powerful ability and deliberately wanted to use it to cause destruction/take over gensokyo

she is extremely knowledgeable about her ability and job (anything related to nuclear power and regulating the flames of blazing hell, or just things about former hell itself)

she takes her job very seriously and supposedly does it very well

but there are a few things that get people: she has poor memory, other characters refer to her as "birdbrained" or "empty-headed, and there are a select few instances of dialogue from hisouten/gouyoku ibun that catch peoples attention. its one of those things where because other characters (and people) say shes stupid, it influences everyone else! in my opinion, i think her own actions straight from the source are much more indicative of who she is rather than the quick judgements of other characters.

=======================

the first major point before i get into the specific dialogue in the fighting games: "kanako needed an empty-headed hell raven, and utsuho fit the bill"

what exactly is meant by "empty-headed"? this is going to be more of an abstraction, so definitely take it with a grain of salt. we dont know much about utsuho before she gained her powers, just that she worked as a lowly hell raven that helped around the palace of the earth spirits/hell. to me, it sounds like an incredibly mind-numbing job that really doesnt require much thinking to begin with, so of course you wouldn't expect some kind of supergenius from it. im also going to go out on a limb and say that utsuho was a candidate for kanako's plan because she's also considered a pet. many unfortunately conclude that pets can't be intelligent, and even the title of "pet" carries the connotation of inferiority. even if she was truly empty-headed as previously suggested, this doesn't mean that she stayed as such with no change at all. when i first played th11, i would have never guessed that she would be "the stupid one".

small note: ZUN's comment on her theme ("even a fool that possesses great power can't cause too much harm")

the problem i have with this is that she really would have caused a lot of harm if the protagonists hadn't stopped her. you could say shes a fool for letting the power get to her head, but objectively i cant exactly point to anything in th11's dialogue/scenarios that suggests she's foolish unless you really want to count bad memory-retention as such. not gonna argue this too hard, but it seems like "fool" is a word thrown around very freely with little thought to how you can actually apply it to a situation.

=======================

IN HISOUTEN: sanae beats her up and afterwards says "youre trying to help me, actually" to which utsuho is like "Oh Ok". you could argue this is probably her dumbest moment, but would you really not follow or listen to the person who defeated you in battle? its not the most defensible point, but she didnt even seem completely oblivious either when she was asking sanae about the incident. my personal interpretation is that she has a bit of a short temper related to how important her job is. there are plenty of other 2hus who are generally sillier than this, it doesnt make much sense why utsuho is the only one who gets this treatment.

IN GOUYOKU IBUN: utsuho doesnt notice reimu before she starts blasting her to bits, which to be fair reimu wears all red in Hell (her fault honestly) + correct me if im wrong but is the power of nuclear fusion not extremely blinding? supporting this, in the events of GI its also implied that shes being overworked due to the oil incident, and we already established that she takes her job very seriously, so to me it makes sense that her first thought is to "remove the contaminant" and to use a lot of her energy in the process. a lot of people in general sometimes get wrapped up in their own work to the point of hyperfocusing, i say the bird can do it too

i also havent brought up the fact that we dont exactly know wtf eating a god does to your brain, whos to say it didnt fuck with you a little bit?

past all of this though i still think utsuho is funny as hell with her particularly bold and uncaring personality, its just that people seem to think that a couple of goofy moments make up her whole character and its just mildly annoying to me.. subterranean animism will probably be my favorite portrayal of utsuho because of how seriously they all treat her (mostly) but overall i wish more touhou fans would actually indulge in the source material and think a bit deeper about this neat little piece of fiction that i am WAY too passionate about (also its just way more fun to look at characters from a complex perspective)

#raven.txt #touhou #long post sorry #i realize how funny this looks from tumblr user Hell Raven i promise im not mad i just have many thoughts

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thefanboyhub · 2 months

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Bronte headcanons?!??!

(Sorry if I've already asked you that)

Do you want to give Bronte a kiss on the forehead and cuddles???

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I LOVE HIM MORE THI OBVI ALSO YESSSSSSS I DO AND YES I WILL GIVE YOU MY HEADCANNONS

He started the whole vampire shit with humans. He was so emo and brooding and all that silly stuff when humans were around and it made the myth/legend of vampires.

He actually loves his curly hair but refuses to be taken as a joke so he keeps his hair buzzed. (Too many people said he looked soft with his curly hair long)

If he were to step down from the council it would be to adopt a child. DONT ASK ME WHY I JUST HAVE A FEELING HE WOULD OK.

Use to be reckless and wild until he accident hurt people he cares about which set him down the path to becoming what he is today.

Is more up to date with the times than any other ancient elf. He is actually surprisingly patient and loves to learn the new stuff no matter how hard he tries to bullshit it and say he doesn't care and all that emo bs.

If he cares about you he's very attentive and does a lot of silent acts of service; like making food and having it sent to you and all that jazz. But it's hard for anyone to get in his heart, mostly because he takes his job seriously.

Definitely not straight. His sassy ass is most definitely bisexual but also not really into anyone. He just thinks everyone is hot and doesn't think much farther than that.

The OG emo/goth but when he was younger he was the OG punk/scene kid. Don't ask, I just know it ok.

When not sober he's literally the softest and silliest guy ever: one time he flirted with Emery while drunk (he made an excuse the next day saying he thought Emery was a women while drunk. It was a lie. He knew.)

Switches from the parent of the council to the bratty child who doesn't like complying with the group.

Very close with Oralie, even before Sophie. He was one of the few people to support her and actively gossips with her. They are besties your honor.

He used to be much sillier and laid back when he first joined the council but after the thousands of years and all that he's seen he learned to become cold and do what has to do.

Out of all the council he would be the least likely to have his mind shatter from guilt: especially if the guilt would be murder of any kind. He's seen a lot and he's desensitized to it in a sense. He wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt if it was to protect the helpless.

He is very against hurting helpless people in any kind. He was only aggressive with Sophie because he knew she wasn't helpless and that she was probably dangerous; He never wished her to be harmed in the way she was. Even when inflicting he went easy on her.

I also think he only basically bullied Sophie to push her to be better to prove him wrong. He did not want her to be evil, so he was the bad that pushed her to do good ifykwim.

Likes to nap any chance he gets. He just likes how comfy his bed is tbh.

Not fond of land animals unless they're fluffy as all hell and adores sea creatures.

Use to hate change when he was younger and now he's so used to change that he handles it the best out of anyone on the council.

Mourns his old friends as if they were dead because he cannot connect with anyone due to his job. Secretly thinks of Oralie and Emery as his friends but never tell him. (They know and they also don't say anything.)

Emery and Him have kissed. I just know it.

Disassociates a lot. Dawg is traumatized, like he's been alive for how long? Ain't no way he ain't traumatized.

Anyways

That's all <3

(I could make this man smile I swear I could. Like I could make him happy. Once chance Bronte PLEASE. AGE IS JUST A NUMBER 😭/J)

#thefanboyhub #thefanboy #thefanboyhub rambles #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc #kotlc fandom #kotlc thoughts #kotlc bronte #ask #answering asks #I LOVE HIM HES MY BBG #also im dissociated a little so if the post is funky i apologize #byeeeeee

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amysubmits · 9 months

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I dont know what to realistically expect when its time for me and my Daddy to have our first intercourse. Lately in our sexting and having playtime over text and calls, as we are currently in a ldr, its been all about him.. I am worried that it will be like that as well when its time. it will be my first time having sex, and me reading alot of erotica and romance and intimacy in fiction books and novels doesn't help that I want it to be as perfect as I read about, but I know its unrealistic.. I have asked him multiple times in the many months we have dated what's it gonna be like or what are we gonna do when its time for sex and he always said that he will take good care of me and we will do it all depending on me and how I am feeling and that its different when we are sexting and playing over the phone and how it will really be, that sometimes he gets rougher just to get things going and exciting over the phone but when its time it wont be like that because he knows that I am a virgin and that I am inexperienced.. I hope you understand how I feel and please advice me..

Hey Anon :)

I don't mean to suggest that I assume most people lose their virginity as minors because that certainly isn't the case. I was an adult myself, actually. At the same time, because it's not uncommon for people to experience this as minors, when I get anonymous messages referencing virginity I always feel the need to say that I am hoping and assuming you are at least 18, and if not you shouldn't be on my blog.

With that out of the way...

I think your worries are really understandable to me given how you're facing the unknown, and given the nature of your sexting themes. It's awesome that you've raised those questions/concerns to your Daddy multiple times! Communicating things like that are so important but can be so easy to shy away from doing as a new sub so I'm so glad to hear that you did that! And it sounds like he tried to reassure you that he won't push for anything that is too much for you or you aren't enjoying in the moment, which, in my opinion, is exactly what should be the case.

I think the #1 priority should be making this an enjoyable, non-scary experience for you. I can imagine being in your shoes and wanting to be this "perfect sub" based on your understanding of the 'perfect sub' from erotica and stuff, as well as wanting to make some of your sexting experiences a reality. I can understand the instinct to put that pressure on yourself. However, I'd really encourage you to try to be aware of you putting that pressure only ourself, and trying to resist it. Honestly, I think a lot of subs if they were to write out what "perfect sub" or "ideal sub" would be like...their description would not be the healthiest view of what a sub is. Many of us, even when we logically know otherwise, still hold onto some parts of your brains that think that we'd be a "better sub" if we had the least amount of limits possible, or if we needed as little as possible from our doms and were able to make everything about their pleasure. But those are really toxic ideas if taken seriously so it's really important to resist those - at any/every phase of D/s in my opinion, but especially when you're new to sex. Even as a sub with a few years of experience, I still find myself needing to be more vocal about how things feel, or do more guiding when I am trying something new to me. I think it's healthiest for me to do that, though - so we try to prioritize being healthy over being as subbie as possible.

Right now, your partner can't possibly know what feels good to your body during sex because you have no experience with that yourself, so you don't really know your own body in that way...so he can't either. And with that being the case, the best way to explore your body and learn what does and doesn't feel good to you, is to let you do a lot of guiding the situation in your early experiences. How fast, how deep, what position or angle, etc should all be based on what feels best to you, in my opinion. So that will likely look like starting really slow, and then you letting him know if you want deeper or faster or slower or if the angle is uncomfortable or painful at all, etc.

Frankly, it may not feel super submissive if you find that you feel the most submissive when you're in a passive role. You'll be leading the situation somewhat....but submitting isn't all about being passive. Cautiously exploring your body together while giving him information about how it's feeling for you, is going to give him lots of great information that he can someday use to lead your sexual interactions more himself. So, I think you could still very much see the experience as an act of submission as you'd be serving your Daddy and your relationship really well by doing that. To me, this route would be the most ideal.

At minimum though, I'd suggest trying to come up with specific boundaries that you have for this first experience. I assume that part of your fear of not knowing what to expect comes from fears that X, Y or Z will happen. Based on what your ask said, I'd think some of your fears might be that the interact would be too focused on his pleasure and not enough on your own, and another might be that you'd worry he'll be really rough like he's been in your sexting. If those assumptions are accurate, I'd share those specific concerns with him and set roughness as a limit. With PIV being the goal, he may need some time focused on him as far as a handjob or blowjob to get him hard. But if that is the case, you could still agree to something like...the situation will be as focused on you as reasonably possible, and agreeing to some sort of check-in related to whether you've had enough time specifically focused on you. And if you have any other specific concerns or fears, should be set as limits if at all possible. I say 'if at all possible' because if your fear is something like...being afraid that you won't be able to orgasm, then that isn't necessarily something you can set as a hard limit as your body just may not cooperate. But if your fears are things like...you're worried about being tied down during sex, or you're worried about a certain position or something, those are things you can (and in my opinion should) set as limits for your first experience.

In a nutshell, I think it'd be really tough for this first experience to be "too selfish" on your side. I'd encourage you to see being vocal about your preferences, goals, fears, dislikes, etc so that you guys can customize this as closely as possible to making it go as well as possible for you. If you want to someday submit to his wishes and preferences in bed, that's awesome, but I don't think the first few times you have sex should be about that. You have to learn your body first and understand your body a little bit yourself before you can really give control of your body over to anyone else.

I'll also add that while it's understandable to hope your first time is amazing, I'd try to adjust that expectation a little bit. I'm not at all saying it's not possible that your first time will be great, because for some people it absolutely is. And I don't think you should have too much fear that it'll go terribly, because as long as you both respect each other and communicate (as it sounds like you guys do!), it shouldn't go terribly. But, there is a lot of gray area between 'great' and 'awful'. My guess is that most people's first time is more in the neutral or slightly positive area. But when you think about your first time doing anything else...it's kinda understood that the first time won't be your best experience ever with most things. The first time with most things is a learning experience and if that's what your first time with sex primarily is...that's still a really good thing that can lead you to the "fireworks and rainbows" feeling sexual experiences you want to have later on.

I hope something in here helped. Sorry this is so long. Best of luck to you.

#asks #d/s

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seaweedbrain3 · 1 month

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i had to get on my laptop for this because i didnt know if i was gonna get a little upset and start angry typing cus angry typing is uncomftorable on my phone BUT ANYWAY ENOUGH WAFFLING

i dont like how unreasonably joshua is, i dont care if you dont like him for like no good reason cus i hate characters for no reason but THE REASONS PEOPLE HATE HIM ARE NOT ACTUALLY GOOD!! i think im very upset about this because when i read over the transcripts with him i relate to him on some level, like his alpha male thing is just him using metaphors to help explain his points which is how i see it, and people think its weird or him being some alpha man, which he isnt, he was explaining how he doesnt want to be replaced just in a way that makes him seem like some alpha male, and it alos angers me how in that session he wasnt being taken very seriously, is his way of explaining things weird?? yea it kinda is but thats not excuse to not take him seriously or dislike him, he had a valid reason to be upset, and yea his solutions were not good at all, but tbh if i were him i would also want juniper out of the cabin, and by the end he understood that his solutions weren't good and he just came to terms that juniper will just be there for one more day, he also showed genuine concern for what it being taught to the kids, he wants them to learn life lessons and be responsible, not little shit stains who run around with no remorse for anyone, which isnt bad at all, he wants the kids to be good people when they grow up, does it cause him to be a little up tight?? yea, but theres always that one person everywhere, wether it be school or camp or again everywhere, persnally if i was there i would understand him completly, hes also like me in the sense that he cannot express his feelings well, so he tends to make up excuses to avoid actually stating his feelings, yea sure its annoying but its not something to hate someone for, also that whole mediation session is just joshua explaining how hes upset that his routine was broken and how it got taken over and he was replaced, which i would be upset over too, and what is this a trait of?? both adhd and autism, which goes into my point that joshua is neurodivergent, is that one of the only traits i found?? yea, and why is he still neurodivergent?? because hes literally me, (please do not take my word for it, i just see a few neurodivergent traits in a character that fit me and i make them neurodivergent) i also think sydney's hateful attidute towards joshua made some people feel the same which goes into my previous argument that i said in a past post about how syd is an unreliable narrator, and also, his reasons like the life lessons thing and stuff they may hjave been excuses but they're still reasons, and his main thing was being jeaslous but HE STILL HAD SOME GOOD POINTS

please take this post with a grain of salt, im very bad at explaining things and i dont know if i explained everything the way i wanted to, i might reedit it at a further date when i actually find the words to explain everything correctly and i might be wrong about some things so again TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

(also i swear tumblr hates me cus i've been posting shit for a while and after many hours they still have 0 notes)

#camp here and there #chnt #joshua #joshua macheath #LEAVE HIM ALONE HE DID NOTHING WRONG

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welcometoteyvat · 1 month

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zhongli kaeya chongyun? — @apologems

word vomit ahead!!

kaeya: not super invested in him SFJKDSGHSKDJF. he has narrative appeal (dead country + multiple allegiances + betrayal(s) + potential diaspora = multiple identity conflicts carefully hidden behind masks and acts) but I don't really think about him much. he's also complicated enough that i dont feel confident actually stating anything about his character without rereading the tons of supporting material about him (still haven't finished the genshin manga). i think the obsession with his relationship with diluc is rather unfortunate; yes the period of time they were living together was extremely important for both of their stories, but also neither of their lives stopped after the fallout—they can interact with other people, outside of each other?? yeah the fallout would affect their perspectives but i feel like all i ever really see is ragbros or kaeluckae with some rare kaeya and albedo/venti/jean/amber or other people. give the guy some other supports brother. honestly what i'd most like to see is kaeya and traveler that would be v invigorating. back to the actual topic, I think he should go a bit crazy, even if we only get to see that in endgame or something. oh also ive seen enough complaints about how fans portray him that there are 100% too many bad takes of fanon kaeya

zhongli: honestly there's not much to say about him; I think his canon arc is satisfactory already so i'm like :) zhongli :) my husband... if we saw more archon war snippets that would be cool but generally i'm like chill with how he's been developed. that being said, if people are still making "zhongli is a cruel god" "zhongli was a brute/all brawn no brain" "zhongli is a macho god of war" headcanons: i never want to see you all again lol. do you know what happens in wars? you kill people. zhongli was in a war ≠ zhongli is a bloodthirsty cruel god, even with whatever might've gone down in khaenri'ah

chongyun: my little guy....... generally i (neurotypical) agree/can see the plausibility of the autism headcanon that's pretty popular (?) but god i NEED him to go insane at some point. I need it viscerally. even the small amount of pushback he exhibited in waterborne poetry was good. more please. i need the chili jokes to die. I need genshin canon itself to stop treating yang imbalance as a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (probably impossible but that's just a daily struggle) i need xingqiu's malicious teasing to be taken fucking seriously by the fandom. I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE HIM TO INAZUMA AND HAVE HIM TRY THEIR COLD DISHES. i need so much potential character development from him, and most of all I need fandom and canon to stop treating him as a xingqiu attachment. I need the interpretation that he's a polite doormat to die, I need something major to happen to him/traumatize him so we get to see his inner workings, I need the jokes to stop, I generally want the storyline to be more invested in his character. waterborne poetry save me. falls down the stairs and dies.

#i should've turned down the opacity on the colors but well. too late lol. should still be readable #thanks for sending this in :-)#kaeya is in the same category of character as scara furina and bedo tbh. ka.veh too- narratively tasty i just dont think about them #chongyun #zhongli #kaeya #genshin impact #teyvat thoughts #?#asks #apologems #undescribed

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kiwibirb1 · 11 days

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hhh still not sure on names but whatever greying wings introduction to meetup au (it does not go great) (remember party refers to the entire group bc d&d is built into my soul) (name ref here) (Also, GW!girls are referred to as their nicknames from the get go here but they dont actually get or use them until later)

uh this got long so theres a break now

*The entire party is chilling in a clearing, when suddenly loud wingbeats sound overhead. Everyone immediately stands up, grabbing whatever weapons they have, expecting herons to descend upon them. Instead, something falls out of the sky, a whirlwind of black feathers crashing down with a shout. Everyone looks at each other in confusion, attention returning to the creature as it groans and stands up, black wings stretching out to their full capacity. It brushes itself off, looking up to the sky, seemingly unaware of the people surrounding it. More wingbeats sound, and it smiles up at something it sees, waving and calling out.*

Black(GW!Marcy): Sorry guys, I tripped on something! *Faint shouts come from the sky, something along the lines of "How do you trip while flying!?", and it laughs, finally taking in it's surroundings. It makes eye contact with Psych, and freezes, wings immediately drawing inwards, becoming nearly invisible in the blink of an eye.* Black: O-oh. Sorry. I didn't see you. U-um, don't worry, I'm with a pure- Vagabond: Another one!? Seriously!? How many alternate universes are there? WV!Marcy: Even the core doesn't know that. Black: Uh, am I interrupting something or- *Their [Black] gaze travels to WV!Marcy, and they suddenly breaks off in speech.* You look just like me! But you don't have wings, I didn't think that was possi- *Their speech gets cut off once again, but this time it is by flurry of white and grey feathers, which fall away to reveal two girls, looking to be around 15, just like the first, standing protectively over the black-haired one.* Grey(GW!Sasha): They're with us. Wait- who the fuck are you and why do you look exactly like Anne? *She points her newly drawn sword at Sapphire, eyes narrowed in a glare. White(GW!Anne), places a hand on her shoulder, but her eyes are hardened as well, widening as she looks around the camp.* White: You all look like us. But some of you are old. And none of you have wings. *Heron steps forward, and Grey and White step back, wings spreading as if to hide Black, who's head peeks out curiously, but seems comfortable hidden behind them. Heron: Am sure yer all confused, we all were at firs'. Te start off, Am going to assume yer names are Sasha, Anne, and Marcy? *Grey nods slowly, sword point lowering slightly.* Wonderful. So are we. That damned cat- Domino: Heron your supposed to call it the Guardian, only the other Annes know it's a cat. Heron: Yeah yeah whatever the weird deity thing decided to throw us all together for shits and giggles and Ah guess yer the most recent additions. Black: Why are you Scottish? Heron: WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT?? ToaF!Anne: Yeah yeah we know Heron's Scottish it's weird anyway more importantly you guys got wings? That's cool as shit! How'd you get them? And why are they different colors? *At this comment, Black seems to draw her wings even closer to herself, ducking back down.* White: Uh, everyone has wings? Grey: None of your business. *The clearing goes quiet at the opposing answers, while Grey and White glare at each other.* White: Do you want to get darker? Grey: Oh yeah let's not talk about how grey you were before it reset you huh? *They start to bicker, and Black hesitantly moves away from them, still standing at a distance from the rest of the group. CF!Marcy waves at them, dragging her own girls over as well. Black steps to the side slightly, wings somehow pulling in even smaller, but they doesn't outright leave.* CF!Marcy: Hi, I'm [GIVE ME NAME SUGGESTIONS PLEASE], this is Mouse and [CF!Sasha]. Your's fight a lot too, huh? Black: U-uh yeah, they do, even though we're not really supposed to. They always forgive each other.. afterwards though... *They trail off, eyes locked on the other's wings* CF!Sasha: Okay since neither of them answered, why are your guy's wings different colors? Just like a normal wing-person thing? *Black winces, but sighs, answering.* Black: First, we're angels, not "wing-people". And when you sin, your feathers grey, but it can be undone if you're forgiven. That's why Sasha's are so dark. Anne got reset by the Guardian, which is why she's nearly pure white. Mouse: Okay, but why are you black? Black: ...I was getting to that. When you commit an unforgivable sin, or at least one that is perceived as so, you fall. Black wings are the mark of a fallen angel. CF!Sasha: Damn, what did- *CF!Marcy cuts her off, as Black folds her wings inwards, over her head.* CF!Marcy: I want you to think long and hard about the common factor. CF!Sasha: Oh. Sorry. Black: It... It's fine, I'm used to it. This is actually the uh best reaction I've gotten so...

#yeah black is not having a good time as a fallen angel.#kiwi's au meetup #greying wings au #only those two bc its their intro thing #i have been writing this all night i am beat phew

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definitelynotshouting · 7 months

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Okay so I know I just reblogged your post but your newest Hunger AU chapter has me buzzing and I have many thoughts so I hope it's okay if I ask a few questions? Apologies if they've already been answered, I might have missed a post or two.

Firstly, what's your boundaries on people working on their own ideas based off of your worldbuilding/ideas? I mentioned it in my reblog, but I've had an AU of your AU cooking in my head for a while - are you cool if I talk about it on my blog? I don't think I'm going to write about it anytime soon, but I thought I would ask. (I know you've have fics based off your AU published - amazing works btw - but I'm referring to just using the lore for a different storyline). All credits and links would be given, of course.

Secondly (and more lore-related), you've mentioned in a few posts that Martyn is "fused" with a Listener. Do you have an idea of how it happened and when? Is Martyn aware of this? Is Jimmy a Listener or is it just Martyn?

Its always okay to ask me questions!! :D i enjoy talking to people and interacting with folks a lot, so your questions are more than welcome here❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am more than fine with people coming up with aus of hunger au, as well as posting them, talking about them, etc etc. Go crazy go wild i find it deeply flattering to have inspired someone enough to take on my worldbuilding as their own :] like you said, about the only thing i ask for is a shoutout for the og idea/inspiration (and a tag if you want me to see it!!! seriously people please tag me in stuff it makes my day i love it so much /gen)

Martyn is indeed fused with a Listener!! Here are my posts about Listener lore, as well as one that delves into their ecological niche, in case you missed them (SUPER easy to do, the hunger au tag is teeming these days LOL). Due to the nature of what Listeners are, he isn't fully aware at all, and as for how and when it happened, i dont have any specific ideas yet (beyond prior to the life games), but its likely how i imagine most Players get infected-- by entering a deep dark biome and encountering a sculk vein thats actually hiding Listener spores in it.

I havent made a post fully explaining the sculk-Listener connection just yet, but i'll probably do that next, because its something ive been meaning to talk about but havent gotten the chance to do so until now :] as for Jimmy, he is currently just a Player!!! But it's very likely he'll eventually become a Listener at some point in time, since Listeners are the universe's newest way of bottlenecking where Players go and for how long they stay in one place.

#shouting speaks #asks #hunger au #compliments #fun fact!!! cub is actually a listener; as is bigb!!!#its admittedly a little funny that everyone AROUND jimmy is turning into a listener but not jimmy himself /silly #thats unintentional but its making me laugh REALLY hard rn #anyway im putting that listener post on my to-do list now heehoo #txt

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bigmack2go · 3 months

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Since i made tjis tag i thought i might as well add onto it already so uh yeah… again: feel free to use this to explain the internet to ur parents

Emoji guide!!

💀: is like a way to laugh. Specially like a „bruh“ or „no she/he/they/you did not“, „i cant believe he/she/they/you did this“ or „there is no way they/you/she/he did this!“. Do not use this if someone died please!

😭: also a laugh. Dont ask. People use it differently but many people use it specifically when they are jokingly complaining or whining about something. Also when something is unbelievable and/or like a wheezing „what?!“ or „seriously?!“

🥺: we usually mock ppl w this saying they’re pick me (fishing for compliments)

🤠: i hate my life right now

😃😀: those are like a frozen smile and show that u highly dislike smt

🙂: im about to strangle someone and beat the shit out of them. When you need to take a deeo breath to keep cool

🙃: either mocking pedoph!les lt trying to creep someone out or saying that someone is creepy

😆: hAHa YoUrE So FuNnY (hint: youre not funny)

😁: ironically saying „look what I’ve accomplished“

🥹: is the version of „🥺“ that we actually use

🥲: can be „beautiful“ *wipes tear from eye* or like the office glance at the camera.

😇: i do not in fact have very good intentions

☺️: im gonna kill u. Kind of a „you did what now?!“ when u try to keep calm

😊: im so not okay right now and i hate my life or being proud in a bragging way

😉: make fun of pedoph!les

😌: uh-huh thats right. Im great (and u suck). OR „good girl“ yk?? Or being proud

😗: also a frozen smile kinda thing

😋: hehe mischievous

😝: mocking old ppl

🤪: ironic way of mocking pick me girls (aka girls that are fishing for compliments)

🤨: „thats what she said…“

🧐: „do you realise what youre saying??“

🤓: making a mocking voice

😎: mikedrop

🥸: are you aware that u sound like an idiot rn

🤩: IM GONNA BE A DOCTOR OR LAWYER OR SMT (i didn’t fail my maths exam for once)

😣😖: u gonna cry?/ go cry about it

😫: our generation is weird and has to make everything moaning. Sry but this is moaning.

😩: „OH COME ON!“

🤯: are you telling me you didn’t know this yet?

🥵: moking hot situations or saying „that was close“

🥶: „YOU GOT ROASTED“

😶‍🌫️: wasn me

😱: are you telling me u didn’t know this?

🤗: im so happy for u (i hate you and i don’t think u deserve shit and it’s not fair that i have smt i want. Fuck u)

🤭: you think im frightened of u?

🤔: ironic way to say „i wonder why“

🤫: i did smt haha

🤥: i did smt not-so-haha

🫠: „that was so embarrassing“ discompfot or blush or a way of showing a crush. Some people use it as that thing where j get rly angry and try to cover it up and then your eye starts twitching

🤥: haha wasn me (it totally was me and we all know it)

🫥: no ones laughing

😐😑: i cant w u

🫨: more ironic version of „🥶“

🤤: i want that

🙄😴: waiting

😮‍💨: why r u such an idiot? And why did god choose me to handle it?

😵- oh— (swallowing a laugh)

🥴: w h a t

🤢: exxeragating way to make fun of ppl

🤑: gimme gimme

🤡: u/i sound like an idiot. Also way to mock creeps

👹👺: when u make your voice all bellowish and/or come of creepy and weord

👽: he/she/they sounds like an idiot. Are they dumb? Or „girl—?“

👾: stop talking. Ur annoying and also no ones buying ur shit

✌️: often used ironically

🤌🏼: *cheffkiss*

🫰🏼🤏🏻: teeny weeny

🫴🏻: y tho

☝🏼: mhm (pretending to be an authority figure, usually in a lightly mocking way)

🖐️: oft used in combo w „😭“ to say „can i live??“

👁️👄👁️: heh

✍️: noted OR im writing u in my death note

🦶: stfu or what ur saying makes no sense

🫦: mockingly sexual

👣: ur onto smt

👀: „woOHP“ *swallows a laugh*, he said what?, offensive sideeye, looking forward to smt OR i may or me not be plning smt (im absolutely planning smt) aka what i says has double meaning

🗣️: no one wants to hear your bullshit

👼: opposite as 😇

💆: this isnt a massage. This is me desperatly holding my demples and taking deep breaths so i dont kill anyone

💅: fab. Its also kind of slang/ hidden way to say „gay“ and do the handflick thingy. At least it used to be idk

🧑‍🦯: ur not making any sense

🧍‍♀️: someone spunds like an idiot or idk what to do w myself/ this sotuation

🕴️: you are about to break into dancing

🕺💃: vibing w music

🎩/🎓: used to be like „ha look how smart i am because of tjis one thing i got right“ in a nonserious way but no one rly uses it anymore

💍: marry me (obv) but like in an easy way. You had a good idea and im flashed by it so im exerragating your genious so much i want to marry u. Thats just an example obv

👑: u dropped this

🦄: delulu

✨: to make a word fancy like precenting a banner u put one of these at the beginning and end of the word/phrase/sentence. This can br sarcastic or serious. In quarantine many people used this as general quote unquote marks

🌚🌝: hehe

🔥: pften used by bro-pal-guy-jocks to push a post by comenting

#parebt guides tag #leave my typos alone please!!

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rat-rosemary · 9 months

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Hi! This may seem strange but I would like to see your side of things, as someone who has not kept up with mcyt in like. A year at this point. I thought dream had groomed people? Was that a rumor or am I confusing him with someone else? And what do you mean about quackity? I'm coming into all of this very very very late lol

I dont blame you at all for not knowing what going on. I'll try to explain quickly but those are multiple complicated situations, so the post will probably get a bit long,sorry

Ok, so starting with the first one. There was a girl, called Amanda, who claimed that she was groomed by Dream. That was a lie, most of her claims being debunked either by herself, by people who knew her irl or by her ex-online friends. What we found out from those online friends is that Amanda was actually the one doing shady stuff, and you can find all about it on the doc her victim (mascara) put together

BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LOOK AT THE TW AND TAKE THOSE SERIOUSLY, THERE ARE GRAPHIC PICTURES IN THE DOC

https://twitter.com/Mascarahhhh/status/1679238021814550528?s=20

(And i think someone just recently came with even more things forward about Amanda, but that was recent and I hadn't had the chance to read it)

(Just went and read trought the stuff the other person posted and holy shit! Amanda fucking SA'd someone! Fully r4p3d them! The exclamation marks are of pure shock and disgust!)

So, thats the grooming situation. Dream did not groom anyone and the person who accused him of doing so should 100% be in jail

The Quackity situation, on the most basic level is that Dream and Quackity made similar smps and Quackity started ghosting Dream

At first it was just that. But it started evolving when Q fans started attacking and harassing Dream and his fans more and more, doxxing and stalking Dream and his family. Thats what prompted Dream to write a big text and post it publicly on twt, after spending almost a month trying to contact Quackity privately so they could talk and Quackity could say something to try to slow the hate down.

Quackity said and did nothing, and multiple Dream fans came forward talking about how people showed up to their houses and got arrested because of the Qsmp/Usmp situation.

I can find yoy specific threads talking about it later, but the Smile community actually made a doc with all the kind of hate and threats we got

Found it! But the document cannot be displayed anymore because of what it had in it. The people behind it are working on a solution, their account is https://twitter.com/Burner16610314?s=20

Individual threads \/ \/

https://twitter.com/slaylvs/status/1687573052500881408?s=20

Im finding individual threads so im going to put them here

If you go on twt right now you might have a hard time finding many Dream fans because we're all going on private again because the video Tommy posted made us start getting doxxed again

Thanks for genuinely wanting to understand our side of the entire thing, hope you ahve a lovely day/night

Dont forget to take breaks from social media and to take care of yourself!

#the dog barks #dreamwastaken #discourse #quackity #tommyinnit #quackity situation #tommy situation #the voices #it sure says something that the doc containing the hate Dream stans got was considered too graphic to stay up

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brybryby · 1 year

Text

VERY LONG POST IM SORRY. DONT FEEL OBLIGED TO READ

HI. Alrighty, this has been on my mind for a while (ever since promotional content for Trials started being released).

I have a TON of analyses in the drafts, but I want to make this post before I release them for public viewing.

I know that I like to make goofy, light-hearted little fan animations and fan art of Outlast, but I think I need to start changing how I navigate through the content. After spending so much of my time deep diving and writing up these analyses, my eyes have been opened to just how much the franchise revolves around fucked up historical events. I feel that some of the stuff I've posted is tone deaf, or at least the way I posted about it is. And I think—for the most part—there's an understanding that I don't intend to be harmful, but I fear that the way I go about it **is**. (And obviously, action takes precedence over intent.)

For contextualization, when I initially got into Outlast at the age of 12, I was enthralled by the horror aesthetics and found a lot of the angsty gore to be cathartic. I felt so “taboo” and “scandalous” lol (especially as a developing child trying to understand myself amidst my puberty stage). I was young and—for lack of a better word—braindead in how I navigated the media. I was naive, mindless, ignorant, etc etc… Now that I have a deeper understanding of the narratives and historical implications/influences, I need to do better in how I interact with the franchise.

What am I getting at?

Pretty much, I'm working on being more careful with how I interact with the media. At the same time, I want the analyses that I post to be educational. And most importantly, please message me if I ever say some bullshit. Seriously. All I ever want to do with my life is to be a positive impact. I genuinely get upset if I cause harm to someone else. (One time I literally cried at a high school football game as a freshman because I thought I hurt someone else's feelings. It turned out they were faking it lmao. Then they started feeling bad and then that made me feel bad for crying and yea yea).

Seriously though. I know that my posts can get public outreach, and anything that has public outreach can be influential and have a good or bad impact. So please let me know if I do or say anything harmful or ignorant. I won't be offended. I don’t want to spread harmful stuff. There are many instances in my life where people sit me down to have meaningful conversations about shit I've said or done and how I can improve myself.

That said, I'll be posting more analyses and making my own syntheses of historical events. My next analysis post will be about Waylon's Asian-coding (specifically Korean-coding), how Trials actually supports this (using themes of US immigration), and why it is apparent to many Asian fans (including me, hehe).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's pretty much it. But if you wanna stick around a bit further, I'll tell you my (excruciatingly long) story about how I got into Outlast :) along with how much it has invaded my brain and life :') and maybe get a little ~personal~ hehe

STORYTIME:

So, the game came out in 2013. Nearly 10 years ago. I was 12 at the time of its release. Let me tell you…this game was a HUGE impact in the horror community. HOLY. SHIT. It changed the way I looked at lockers and beds. I remember it being critically acclaimed (and rightfully so). It may have not been the most technical video game, but it certainly was a piece of art.

I remember commercials being shown everywhere. The trailer of beta Miles Upshur running and parkouring through Mount Massive while being chased by the tiny beta model of Chris Walker will forever be canonized as part my childhood. I remember specifically heading to the bathroom from my living room and my dad interrupting me to say “Hey! Check this out!” and then proceeding to play the trailer for my 12-year-old eyes. I was scared shitless.

Couple weeks later, Conan O'Brien featured Outlast in one of his segments of “Clueless Gamer” (yeah, my family and I used to watch Conan lol). I was very familiar with Slender and Amnesia, which were the 2 other games featured in this Halloween special, but this was the first time I REALLY got to check out Outlast.

Now, let me preface that during this time, internet culture was very interesting and even less safe than it is today. I had a ton of bad experiences on the internet during my childhood. But oddly (and embarrassingly), the emo/scene/horror/creepypasta culture was what brought me comfort amongst a sea of awful things you could find on the internet. It was probably unhealthy for my developing brain, but I indulged in a lot of angst that was presented with heavy gore and violence. And to be honest, looking at this kind of stuff at a young age helped me process a lot of my own personal shit that I experienced outside of the internet realm. (To be clear, I don't endorse this type of violence, and I don't endorse exploring the internet in the same way I did as a child—it was probably very unhealthy and I think it caused some early development issues.)

But nothing—and I mean NOTHING—scratched that itch more than the way Outlast did. I watched the finger cutting scene in Conan's “Clueless Gamer” and was fucking mortified. I was scared of the dark for weeks. But I remember spending that night in my bedroom looking at more Outlast content to get that cathartic fix to fill my emotional hole of…I don't know…morbid curiosity? I definitely felt shame at the time. I don't know. In recent years, I've been on this journey to process stuff I experienced during my childhood and I struggle to go about my middle-school/junior-high stage because…I don't know…puberty? Access to the internet? I once got bullied by a forum of adult men for posting fan art LMAO. I was 12 years old—I forgot what the fan art even was. ANYWAYS, yea. That was only one instance of my conglomeration of internet experiences. (Like many other peeps, I had to hide my gender & racial identity to preserve my sanity). Indulging in gore art was therapeutic and helped me release negative emotions in a non-harmful way. Horror-genre communities online have been mostly friendly and welcoming towards me. That's probably why I fell in love with Outlast as an art rather than a video game.

I wasn't in the fandom straight off the bat. I had other hyper fixations at times but I navigated through these other fixations with this personal “Outlast standard” where the art and fiction I consumed needed to be horror-themed, gorey, or angsty. And Outlast isn't solely to blame. I was into gore and angst before the game came out. It just so happened that it came out at such a perfect time in my life. (Horror made my queer self feel accepted)

This whole “Outlast standard” stuck with me throughout high school. Uh… this next bit of information may get a little personal. During my sophomore year, someone really important in my life passed away. Then I had this life-impacting thing happen during my junior year that changed how I perceived things forever (lol, this sounds so dramatic). I turned to art to help me process and yada yada… but y'know what really helped? You know what I turned to when I needed to “scratch the itch”? (I bet you'll never guess)

I finally considered myself a part of the Outlast fandom in 2018-2019. I was a high school junior/senior and I posted the Outlast-Outkast animation that got retweeted by Red Barrels. Had a lot of fun in the fandom during that time and it helped get my mind off of things. Also, I loved the fact that Waylon graduated from Berkeley. I was applying to colleges during this time and it made me romanticize Berkeley, lol. I ended up getting accepted. Had an awesome time. I recently graduated and got my Bachelor's. I'm very privileged and gracious for my experience. I spent a lot of grueling time and energy dedicated towards my education.

During my college years, a lot of the unprocessed shit from my childhood started resurfacing and it was becoming hard to navigate through life. I became really disconnected with people who were close to me. Art started to fall out of my life. Stuff happened. Got in touch with psychiatrists thanks to my college's free health services. I don't mean to downplay or normalize what happened, but I'll bring up that many college students deal with mental illness and depression (and this could be attributed to many things: moving away from family, student-life, financial pressure, pressure to secure jobs/internships, living alone for the first time, maturing into an adult, etc. etc.).

But I remember sitting alone in my studio apartment one weekend and started surfing Tumblr. I came across new Outlast fan art and it sparked my hyper fixation all over again. I re-read the comics and—OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND FUCKING RIDICULOUS—but I started jogging because Miles went on jogs LMAOOAKJDGHJAHKGFL. I finally picked up the pencil and started drawing again (after like…months) and drew Miles and Waylon flipping off Murkoff. And THAT was when I realized what the narratives of Outlast were actually about—FUCKIN' CAPITALISM AAUGGGHHH. MY LITTLE POOPOO BRAIN AT AGE 12 NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. AND NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT—NOW THAT I CAN BLATANTLY SEE MYSELF AND MY PEERS AS VICTIMS/PRODUCTS OF CAPITALISM—CAN FINALLY FIND SO MUCH VALUE AND MEANING IN THIS GAME HHHRHRJGHKSDKFGLAJKDG SAY W H A T IM GONNA *explodes*

Then a year later, I started drawing more and more again. Trials' promotional marketing was becoming more prominent. I started posting my fan art on Tumblr. Then I made the fanimation (thank you Mr. Baichoo, you're so awesome, I will forever be a fan of yours) and now here I am. Still fixated on this silly little game for nearly 10 years. WHEW.

I FEEL LIKE A SHRIMP CHIP. Anyways, thanks. I much needed to get this off my chest.

Also, hey! Just wanted to say thanks for the friendly and welcoming interactions in this space. It feels so much safer and more comforting than previous internet experiences I've had. Since 2013, the fandom has evolved a lot. In my opinion, it has evolved for the better. The resurgence of new fans bring such refreshing perspectives and fields of knowledge that haven't been influenced by some of the harmful internet culture that I grew up in. So truly, many thanks to y'all for making the fandom space a nicer place (especially for such a heavy game). Also, what the heck, everyone in the fandom is seriously so talented and artistic

Uh… fan art time? (old stuff/sketches I haven’t posted)

But seriously if you got this far, thank you

#outlast video essay #brybryby text

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