#i like dysphoria even though it makes me feel really really terrible because at least it means im telling the truth? but recently ive been

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[sugirandom]

tw: mention of cold, low self-esteem, dysphoria I guess?, chronic pain, just generally not being a happy post again.

I've been sick since my birthday and it's still lingering and now Poppy's gotten sick so IDK if I'll even be able to fully get better and I'm just really pissed off right now and kinda want to stop being me because last year was terrible and I just wanted a break. I felt that way in Italy with how much pain I was in, that I just really really want a vacation from my own body even though i know that's not something I can have the luxury to do.

I think that's one of the reasons I liked body switch episodes, aside from really liking it from a psychological perspective, I just really desire heavily to be in a body that isn't in pain all the time and getting sick just makes that feeling feel amplified because I don't sleep well 'healthy' and much less when I'm sick so...yeah...just feeling sorry for myself again and wish I knew how to remedy this feeling.

It's much better post transition, like at least I feel my gender is correct (other than getting misgendered a lot which isn't my fault per say) but it seems like age isn't kind to my chronic pain cause why would it be? And I'm just really exhausted.

#Sugi rants

[montied]

3, 7, 8, 12, 13, 22, 27, 30, 34, 35, 37, 43, 48, 49, 53, 59, 63, 66

for the music ask game

sorry not sorry for the amount of questions lol

that is A Lot uh okay

3. Do you listen to more oldies or more current stuff?

honestly its probably mostly a fairly even mix, i like both old and more modern music

7. Would you wear a t-shirt of a band you're not into?

probably not? mostly because i'd rather have a shirt of a band i do like (PINKSHIFT i've wanted a pinkshift shirt for so long) and don't want to like. waste the shirt??? if that makes sense

8. Is there an artist or song that you like, despite being of a genre you don't usually like?

i don't think so?

12. Who’s the most obscure artist you listen to?

most obscure? uhhh at the moment most of what i'm listening to is pretty popular tbh but that honestly just depends on what i can find. for my answer i'll say blussh though (uh fun fact at the end of one of their songs they go "X-O X-O, Blussh" and that is why i tag my posts #xoxo.monty)

13. Who’s the most popular/mainstream artist you listen to?

fall out boy almost definitely

22. What’s your favorite song or album from the year you were born?

(i am sticking to my principle of Not Sharing My Age Online so i'm gonna go with an album that was released in any january instead )

transgender dysphoria blues <33

27. Do you enjoy making playlists? If so, are there any you’re proud of and would like to share?

oh i love making playlists i have one for each month and many other playlists too its very fun uhhh as for ones im especially proud of .... uh none that i can think of but you can have my july 2023 playlist though i like that one

30. Songs you love to sing along to:

basically anything by mcr or pinkshift or fob and a large portion of songs by against me!

34. Your favorite song in your native language (if it isn’t English) OR in your second language (if English is your first):

oh god im terrible for this. i mean i dont really have a second language but im learning french in school so i'll count that. anyway yes pretty much everything i listen to is in english but i'll be very basic and just say alors on danse

35. A song you like in a language you don’t speak:

aaaag fuck i cant think of anything. do i get a pass

37. If you could travel in time and go to a concert of an artist who’s no longer alive or a band that’s no longer together, who would you choose?

queen probably

43. Do you enjoy musicals? If so, what’s your favorite?

i've never seen one irl but heathers? maybe?

48. Who’s an artist you think it’s criminally underrated and deserves more recognition?

pinkshift is fairly popular already i think but. they should be More So

49. Is there a cover you like more than the original version?

oh heaps but uh probably the teenage joans' cover of call me maybe

53. Is there a song you hated the first time you listened to but then loved after listening to it more times?

no? i don't think so at least?

59. Do you listen to music when it's raining or do you stop to hear the sound of the rain?

depends how i'm feeling tbh.

63. Do you prefer live recordings or studio recordings?

studio recordings

thanks for the ask moon <33

#asks #moon!

[cantbelieveyouregone]

Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.

#my posts #gic #gender identity clinic #ftm progress #gender dysphoria #trans #afab #ftm #transition #three-t #transgender #top surgery #testosterone #hrt #anxiety #depression #eating #i can't remember all the tags i used to do #god my memory sucks #which ironically i forgot to mention in the post #will say one thing i hate is that the weight I've gained went to my hips #absolutely fucking despise that #choose literally anywhere else next time body

[multigenderswag]

hi! you seem pretty cool and i'm not sure where else to find multigender communities so i'm sorry if this isn't the kind of ask you like to receive, and feel free to ignore or direct me elsewhere, but— i'm pretty sure i'm multigender (male & xenogender(s??)) but i know basically nothing about multigender besides the obvious "multiple genders" part. i tried searching "multigender" into tumblr's search function to learn more but it was mostly discourse posts at the time and i got too scared to try again. i see a lot of multigender posts and i relate to them a lot, except a lot of them are about men who are also women and i'm only half binary (i tend to just say i'm a "non-binary man" because i have non-binary gender(s) and i'm a man and i like the "contradiction").

multigender still feels pretty right for me though and i would like to know more about like... multigender 101 basics essentially? because i don't even know what the multigender flag is (i've seen a few bigender ones but i assume that's different...?)....

i saw on your pinned post that you like to talk about being multigender so if you have anything you want to say or multigender history to bring up, i would love to hear!! anything would help since i'm basically completely new to the concept of the multigender umbrella (?) and would love to have more words to describe my experiences!

either way i hope you have a nice day!!

All asks are asks I like to receive! (Unless they're unfunny hate asks, I don't like those.)

Congrats on the cool gender! Male + xenogender is a very fun combination. Sorry about the discourse when you tried to look into it, though, tumblr is a terrible place.

A majority of multigender content is about male + female multigender identities, and it sucks that other ways of being multigender don't get more visibility, but I'm doing my best & hopefully soon we get more diverse multigender content.

Multigender 101!

At least in my experience, being multigender has largely meant for me that I hate being confined to a single gender, even if I like being that gender. As much as I like being male, I don't want to be solely male. Another big thing for me is that I get dysphoria from one or both of my genders being ignored, even if it's done to validate another one of my genders. I despise being called a "non man," even if it's said in the process of acknowledging me as a genderqueer butch.

On the euphoria side of things, I really like using labels and terms that are seemingly contradictory. "Boygirl" is one of my favorites. I like being two different genders, even if it doesn't make sense to other people. Especially if it doesn't make sense to other people. The more confusing and queer, the better.

My experience obviously isn't universal, but that's how being multigender feels for me, and you might be multigender if you relate.

The multigender flag looks like this:

It's not very commonly used, and I think people tend to go with the flag for their more specific multigender identity (bigender, polygender, pangender, etc), but you wanted to know, so that is the flag.

Transmultiphobia is the word for multigender-specific transphobia, which is unfortunately something I mention a lot on this blog. If you want to learn more about multigender issues without finding hate in the tag, searching transmultiphobia on tumblr might help- to my knowledge, transmultiphobes aren't really aware of the word yet.

As far as multigender history, I'm doing some research on that! It's going kind of slowly, and most of it tends to be very bigender (male/female) focused, but I've posted some of what I've found on this blog under the tag "history," if you want to look through that.

In conclusion, being multigender is incredibly cool and sexy, and your genders can coexist without invalidating each other, and it's fully justified to punch anyone who says differently. Thank you for your time.

I hope you have a nice day too!

#asks #multigender #multigender 101 #non male/female multigender identities

[uremogurl-dani]

trans masc teen here who isnt out to his parents who are not supportive, very little friends, go to public high school, and only have one family member who is supportive and they live 2 hours away.

alot of the time at school i feel like i am being put on display like an animal or some kind of a freak show in my classes, even though i am relatively quiet , because the way people treat me because of my transness. it makes me wish i were invisible, and im wondering if anyone has any advice on how to calm this or at least cope with it.

next is that my dysphoria has been really terrible lately, and all of the usual life savers arent working. any advice on how to chill out really bad dysphoria? or as a last resort, how to be comfortable with just being a girl. or maybe not even comfortable, really just how to tough it out and deal with it. bc honestly id do anything to be cis in either direction, because dysphoria is so painful.

it just seems to really suck lately.

thanks :)

#trans #transmasc #trans male #ftm dysphoria #trans advice #help lol

[itssyukii]

Ok but seriously I don’t want to explain it any other way than I have myself, but I also wanna finally say something because idk it doesn’t seem like I’m just trying to fit in now? Brain diff I know, so anyway

Heyyy guysss :3 In your guys’ terms, I’m perhaps not so cisgender as you think. In fact, I wouldn’t know where to start explaining it in a way you’d understand. I guess a good place to start is I had gender dysphoria growing up. I won’t go into why and all the reasons, that’s a topic for another day but I did. Long story short, I didn’t ‘grow out of it’ so to say, but I came to realise at least to me it doesn’t really matter.

The way I feel about things a lot comes down to it doesn’t really matter too much. I believe that i’m me, whatever that is and whatever makes that up and it’s as simple as that. People can view me how they want, and people can say what they want, but how I feel is i’m just me (like my insta bio says, “I’m me, yes me, its just me 😴” lmao).

So basically I feel certain ways for both sides of the coin, but i’ve never been really sure what the tipping point is I guess. I don’t want to go out and say that i’m non binary or something, I don’t believe in myself explaining it in ways like that, but I have always felt as though I don’t fully resonate with one side entirely, because I have this whole bunch of other traits and feelings and reasons that I haven’t ever talked about or told anyone, or even really shown since I have a terribly not open family that I have never expressed anything not even average things too 💀 so i’m good at acting. But in the end as I said I believe i’m just me and everything that comes with it, so I don’t really need answers for that contempt. It’s kinda influenced from my psychology side come to mention it, but anyway yeah that’s the latest with me.

Perhaps you won’t even consider what i’m saying as the same thing you, and that’s totally fine. I’m not aiming to insult or anything like that on anything you believe in. This is just my thoughts and how I’ve felt for a very long time, and how I’ve come to understand it. But also this is how I feel so in the end it’s how I feel so thats that. Im not specifically labelling myself or such, i’m just saying I have mixed feelings and thats about it lmao

Was a good time to talk about it too, since the new Valorant agent is coming out soon and is revealed tmr. Across all games ive always ‘mained’ characters that I feel express a part of me. As someone whos created characters, creating characters that resonate with people is the exact point!! So most people do this, be it different ones. But for instance, Jett has the cocky sarcasm that I use all the time. Sometimes I dont even play them necessarily for the actual gameplay, I just like the character design. But yeah Jett has my cocky sarcasm, Yone has the older brother and endless work to be done, Genji was the anime moment and so on… So yeah with the coming release of a this [presumably basically confirmed] non binary character, it just surfaced those thoughts and that part of me.

OK RAMBLE OVER ITS 4AM

#Yukiii <3 #never told anyone before

[sunriseverse]

consider: hypersexual xue yang vs. sex-averse song lan. both of their relationships with sex are horrible. song lan’s tried multiple times and he just can’t. he’s embarrassed about it. it makes him feel bad. in his mind he’s an adult and this is something he should able to do because that’s what he’s always been told. right? right? xue yang thinks song lan can’t possibly like him if he won’t even touch him. all of his previous relationships were primarily about the sex. in his mind relationships = having sex. he’s just used to having a lot of sex in general because it’s his body and he can have a lot of sex if he wants to. he likes sex! so what? (he does not want to think about any other possible reasons he might be so obsessed with sex.) this is the source of A LOT of fighting. xue yang is so in the wrong here but he literally just can’t comprehend it and it hurts him so bad. he already can’t shake the feeling that song lan thinks he’s disgusting (even though it’s just song lan’s ocd and he cannot help it) and now this. song lan also ends up feeling like shit because shouldn’t be able to give his partner that? and what about xiao xingchen? does he feel that way? does he think it and not say it?

and then xxc comes in like, have you heard of exhibitionism? just because he doesn’t like participating doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to watch. but it sort of turns out that xue yang doesn’t like being watched, at least not when it’s phrased like that, and also xiao xingchen’s getting tired of being the peacekeeper here.

(in this particular scenario, i imagine they’re boyfriends but kind of mad about it. but they actually do like each other. they smile and laugh and joke and make each other feel nice. but also really bad sometimes. but they want xxc to be happy. and they’re already around each other so much, it’s kind of hard to avoid being relationship-y sometimes)

literally. okay. taking a moment to press my face into my hands and scream silently. how do you once again. know EXACTLY what vague thoughts have been percolating in my head. what witchcraft. what sorcery.

yeahhhhhh yeah yeah like. they both have. fucking terrible relationships with sex but they Refuse to Think About It in like. opposite directions. xy is like im normal this is normal everything is totally normal and fine! (its. so very very not. sobs quietly.) and sl is like clearly i am wrong and broken and i need to Try Harder even if it makes me feel Fucking Miserable And Bad (also wrong. so wrong. oh zichen please let me cradle you like a beloved ccat and whisper endearments and press little kisses to the top of your head.) and so they wind up in this situation where like. they’re both trying to do what they think they Should Do even when like. it makes them both feel Bad (in similar but differing flavours). and like. xy’s rejection sensitive dysphoria plus literally every other fucking thing he’s got going on that makes him prone to and paranoid about sl hating him just going fucking BONKERS every time sl withdraws and turns in on himself. and sl grappling with this horrible conviction that maybe they both kind of secretly hate him because he can’t do this ONE fucking Normal Thing. delicious. i’m chewing on it.

and you’re right xxc IS tired and like. he doesn��t deserve to constantly play mediator!!!!! that’s not a fair role to him or anyone else involved here!!!!!!!!! what they NEED is to sit down and talk shit out and come prepared with prewritten lists of their concerns and wants and dislikes and so forth. bangs my gavel on the table RELATIONSHIP NEGOTIATION!!!!!! NEOW!!!!!!!!!!!

(and yes that’s literally the perfect thing i think like. they’re not exactly together in the “normal” way but also like they’re not NOT together. but they make each other happy!!!! and also sad and hurt and angry!!!!! and safe!!!!!!! and they live together and they’re dating the same person so tjeyre like. doing couple things. and it’s nice!!!!!!!! they’re just also both trying Really Hard to not think about it because that way lies madness.)

#ask #okay. is this coherent. i’m trying to put all my thoughts into words #but they keep jumbling up #anyway. love this. love your mind. thank you for ever and ever. #c.txt #yi city anon

[dex-starr]

In needless shit that I have to somehow deal with now -- I know I’ve mentioned my ex literally started ‘dating’ a friend of mine. What I left out is that person was going through relationship issues as well. They gave me the rationale of trying to help her out (after trying to help me out because literally this girl would not understand what I was trying to tell her) since I just got demoralized and shut the fuck up and shut down completely.

Well it gets a little more complicated than that you see, it turns out this started happening during the weird phase of breaking up but not officially broken up yet and telling each other that we still love each other. So why can’t we just try to make this work? That I’ll work on myself etc etc and we’ll reach our goals together to just give me patience bc I was having it real rough. So yeah that goes on a few months until late November -- she did confess she liked this person but loved me still. We’re still sending each other pictures of various levels of spicyness to just normal stuff, turns out she was also sending this other person those same pictures and other ones while telling me that the “love of her life” could turn out to be such a piece of shit, which yeah I can understand and agree with some of it still. The other parts I was called out on I have a far better understanding of why I did it. All the while we’re still doing the “I love you” dance, “but it didn’t work”. Telling me things that relationships aren’t for her and shit like that, all the while the situation with this friend was happening. I know I said after her, there’s nobody I would want. I’ve stuck to that, I tried a date on the advice of my therapist and my friend -- I was so uninterested and I realized that what I said then was true and not just me embellishing it. I don’t really want anyone, maybe it’ll change but before I dated her I didn’t want anyone either. She was just special to me and someone I felt the desire to love and protect.

 I never cheated on her, never sought another girl to give me what I want because my ex was too far from me, didn’t get personally attracted to other women, my heart never strayed from her. I just had severe mental health issues when it came to planning the move and getting it done -- executive dysfunction and rejection sensitive dysphoria working hand in hand to fuck me up on this basically. When my usage of social media became a problem, I stopped cold turkey completely to give her a peace of mind, I tried doing the best that I could for her. The worst thing I did was that I was not there for her when she needed me, 2021 was a terrible year overall even though we just saw each other in October and November of 2020. I was about to get my shit together to move because I had money for it and god did I fucking love the time with her even though there were some things that happened and some misunderstandings. I spent every moment not wanting to have to fly back to SoCal in the back of my head. If not moving I was planning to at least visit in May for her birthday and stay for a little while longer again and work on my grad app for MSU there since she kept me motivated, I can’t do that on my own that well unfortunately. Things didn’t work this way. I got sick with COVID around late January and I suffered through it -- it was a strong variant. I knew I had asthma still and my breathing was just completely screwed up -- my body was beaten up by stress I just thought. I wasn’t doing well after it hit when recovering

She was a big person on words of affirmation, I tried to change that about myself and do that more. I like to make my partner feel special, but I do it differently. The thing is now I understand why I “said the same things” or why it came off as disinterested -- that was the furthest thing I was. I wanted to live with this girl, I was just scared on getting it done. It’s a bigger move for me because I wanted to be on my feet and have our own place. I wanted to make sure I could contribute to that, or at least contribute to her folks’ bills since I’d be staying there with them and her.

Through this, I’m still fighting to get her to give me that chance because I know I messed up bad, but I also know that this phase wasn’t something normal for me and that my issues stemmed much deeper. I was just scared at the time to face them, especially since she’s on the other side of the country and that would make it so moving would get delayed -- but I had to do it. My argument was time isn’t as long as you think it is when we’re planning for what is a lifetime together. So things start to get more sour, I get called a lot of things. Reason being, I didn’t just move for her and her thinking I only do things for my mom and my dog and put them before her. I don’t -- I arranged my days around being with her. The errands I had to do were unavoidable or literally required shit like getting food mind you, but this was an issue. I told my friends that we had maybe 15-18 hour days together just talking, mostly on voice chat when I wasn’t visiting. Everyone has told me this was absurd, I didn’t see an issue with this because I enjoyed her company even though we could be doing different things in the same room. Even though I felt this way and reiterated so much of it, I kept on getting cut down because I still wanted her in my life, if she can’t occupy the same space she had or didn’t want to I was fine because I didn’t want to make this girl sad or hurt, I just wanted her happy. But she was beyond hurt still, so she kept on saying things that hurt deep while doing something that reminded me of the abusive relationship I was in before her. 

I was starting to lose steam completely, I stopped talking to her because my rejection sensitive dysphoria just told me I was a bother to her. She didn’t want to talk to me -- and I knew she was using my friend as a filler to fill the space I was in her life. This continues for a while but I know part of it is she’s just very hurt things fell apart. I am too. On Thanksgiving we talk about how she missed me and I missed her. We told each other we still loved each other, had a heart to heart. But we couldn’t figure out what to do, she was scared things would just go back to the status-quo which I get. I wasn’t on ADHD meds yet, my brain was still a mess. I was on a waitlist to be seen by my psychiatrist to get properly assessed. Despite all the things we felt, I can see why she had her doubts. 

We still talk and continue the heart to heart and the conversation just ends abruptly. We don’t talk for a few days until she sends me a meme which I thought was normal -- we do that all the time, sometimes they aren’t the nicest things because I can joke about whats wrong with me, it gives me power over it. So I send one back kind of leaning into the other one the ol’ “they don’t call it trash can’t because trash can!” classic. After a few minutes I think it through and ask if I say those things for real still kind of joking but half into a rejection sensitive dysphoria bout. It bugs me to the point where I dwell and think on it a lot because we had that deep conversation and not even a few days later I get this. I ask upfront if it was meant as a joke or as something else meant to dig at me. Said that I took it matter-of-factly, said I wasn’t upset I just didn’t know what it meant and if it was a dig then maybe we’re at a different place in our respective minds about each other. Told her upfront I talked about this in therapy and with my friends, with the implication that I got hurt by it. Clarified I wasn’t trying to confront her on things, because I felt I had no right to. Told her I still missed her and cared about her “and all that” with the implication that yeah dude I still love you. Fuck dude I even said sorry for bugging about how I was feeling. The only thing I get is that “you gotta admit it’s pretty funnily accurate”. (I got the context that it was in order to be hurtful later on by someone else who was there when she talked about sending it to me). 

 This is where I broke completely. My last words for a month are saying “If you say so” so then I just talk to her on Christmas because obviously I’m thinking of her. How could I not? Send her a message on New Years, to nothing. I found out why a few months later, she moved on from my friend to someone else apparently. I mean her choices and if she’s happy and all that. I just thought it would’ve been me with her during New Years last year again, I thought things could get fixed. So yeah it did make me sad -- does still make me sad. She claims she just started dating him, but there are a lot of things people have told me that I didn’t even ask to know because I cut her out and didn’t message her even though I wanted to.  I just couldn’t do it anymore though, I got suicidal during these months even with therapy, I wasn’t on meds yet that were helping. I was talking about a lot of heavy things and how bad this relationship ending made me feel. I just felt like shit, I could’ve been better so we don’t fall apart I told myself. I stopped eating, I started abusing alcohol and pain pills on top of just being on a massive amount of weed too. I needed to get better, unfortunately she was making me worse. Which is ironic, because she used to say this often but she wasn’t doing that then.

 I’m a lot better now, but I’ve been stuck in a constant state of grieving. Grieving for the relationship I’d have done anything for, but also for myself because of dealing with ADHD and just knowing how severe I have it. How it impacts every part of my life, understanding what it was I was going through mentally. It all sucks. It’s funny thought, that friend came back into my life because I cut them out too, thing is the at least had the heart to tell me what was said about me and what was done in the time we were falling apart to the inevitable end. She claims to this person otherwise, but you see the timeline doesn’t add up and this man is petty on a level that I am not. Plus, he doesn’t love you and barely even likes you as a friend and even less as person -- they just won’t tell you that because they like to hold onto things like that to “drop the hammer” so-to-speak. But yeah the timeline being different than what was said makes me hurt more, I know I shouldn’t. I really loved this girl though, still do. I shouldn’t, but my brain is stuck. The saddest part about this to me is this dude literally would release nudes to “teach someone a lesson” and ideologically they’re completely against what me and my ex stood for. But I’ve heard that her ideals became a contradiction too. All these things I heard just make me wonder what is real now and I never did that before. I took everything as being real, as it being from the heart. The seeds of doubt are disgusting when they finally do sprout. Hell I still love this girl, I really shouldn’t. I accepted her flaws and all when we were together -- would still do so but there would have to be a lot of talking about things. Doubt that’ll happen as she is now saying that everything said during these times was only platonic and I misunderstood. Receipts don’t lie and intention doesn’t lie, I don’t see a reason to lie about that. We gave each other four years and expected a lifetime. Why lie to that person in order to make you come out good? That just puts so many questions into my head. Just because maybe you did love me then doesn’t necessarily mean that this person would be hurt by that. Hell, it doesn’t give me any power if you admit it. You said it, you can say what you want to. I can say it right now, I love you. Unfortunately, things are very complicated and that fact does not change things that happened; only talking about it would do something. But you make your choices and I’ll make my choices, like I’ve always said I am here if you want to reach out. If you don’t, well then you don’t want to and that is okay too.

good ol’ ADHD making me make something I intended to make short a fucking essay. god I hate my brain lol.

#shut up pls dex #long post #i didnt intend to write this much

[streetlightsunrise]

Fuck hunting and building things, cross-stitch is the hobby of a Real Man

#hey look trick’s trying to justify his feminine hobbies again #i might have to rant here sorry #tw dysphoria in the tags #i just feel like im faking it #you know? like logically i know that wearing skirts sometimes and liking cross-stitch/sewing/cooking doesn’t invalidate my gender because #those things have only been gendered by society but it’s still hard breaking that thought pattern and i’m still constantly thinking that im #not actually a guy because i like those things and im just faking it to get attention #like my mum said she thought i was probably just a butch lesbian with internalised homophobia so i thought i had to be a guy #i know it’s just because she’s not well-informed and not out of any malice or transphobia but it still got to me and im terrified that that’ #what i am and ive been faking it this whole time #i like dysphoria even though it makes me feel really really terrible because at least it means im telling the truth? but recently ive been #happier in my presentation and i haven’t felt dysphoria in a while and it’s making me think that it was just a phase #am i still trans if all im getting is gender euphoria? am i actually just happy about looking like a lesbian rahter than being happy about #looking almost cis-passing masc? #and ive been finding a lot more male role models who wear nail polish and talking about feelings and basically breaking down toxic masculine #stereotypes and im kind of trying to emulate them to feel better about myself #(this is a fancy way of saying im a patty walters/kellin quinn/maxx danziger kinnie yes) #but like they’re naturally masculine as they were born and i have to work for it so it doesn’t seem right #idk its all very confusing and im very upset about it and i wish i had someone to talk to about it but none of my friends deal with stuff #like that and im too scared to start a conversation with anyone new on tumblr about it #ocd adhd and anxiety? how fun #sorry for ranting so much #trick n’ gender

[littlebless]

Hai der, I decided to vent (?) a lil since I don't really talk much about myself here (or in any social media platform :p)

I was just thinking about how big of a ride this year has been. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and dysphoria (among other stuff) for almost as long as I can remember and I just feel like this was the first year in my life that I've felt different... truly happy 😌

💁‍♀️ It was this year that the effects of HRT started becoming more noticeable and I started feeling more comfortable in my body (my 1st HRT anniversary was in March!) 🙆‍♀️

🎓 It was this year that I became sure that I'm in the right course. I'm a 2nd year college student and am studying psychology. All of it just makes so much sense, it is reaaally interesting, more than I thought it would be after my boring first year hehehe 👩‍🎓

👨‍👧 It was this year that I met daddy irl. He has been a huge source of support, be it physically, emotionally or bloggigally hehe I love him so so much, I really couldn't ask for a better one. Also shoutout to my mommy, whom I also love a lot and is also a huge source of support for me, even though we can't be together irl👩‍👧

📸 It was this year that I started this blog, something I've dreamed of doing for a long time. As if that wasn't enough, it blew up pretty quickly, to my surprise, since I was still pretty insecure about my body. It has helped A LOT with that! I have also met plenty of wonderful people who are now my friends 🤗 even though I didn't really use any social media before (not much, at least), I don't regret any of this in the slightest, even if it can get a lil overwhelming at times 😅 thank you so much for being a part of it ❤🍼

🚀 It was this year that I started making paid content. I have to admit that it is harder than I imagined, to the point where I was feeling pressured to wear diapers more often than I felt comfortable, just so I could post a ton of pics all the time... it can be tiring to turn something you do in order to relax into something you HAVE to do and that was making wearing diapies less enjoyable :( which is why I cut down the subscription price and am now updating less often c:

On the other hand, it is only because of this that I've been able to afford diapies at all (special thanks to @james23slipknot for getting my first 3 packs after starting this blog ❤). I can only be in college because I have a full scholarship (which I'll lose if I get a job), my mum earns the minimum wage and my dad refuses to support me in any way, so I've always worried a lot about money and avoided spending it in things like diapies. It is thanks to my subscribers that I'm able to get them without feeling guilty 😌 I've been avoiding talking about this because I don't wanna be misunderstood, I'm not in a terrible situation, I have enough money to survive, I just can't spend much on things for myself. All of this to say that that is why I really can't thank my subscribers enough 🥰🥰 when I say that it is thanks to them that I'm able to make content at all, I mean it. Without them, you'd only be getting updates here once in a blue moon :p 💫

🌈 It was this year that I started feeling actually happy with my life for the first time. I was still deeply depressed during January, February and maybe March, but then all of this started happening. I have definitely grown A LOT and also feel a lot more active, productive, motivated and that I can actually have a future I'm happy with. This year has a been a wild ride and I have a feeling 2022 will be another one 😊

Thank you so much for accompanying me on this journey 🥰 I hope you'll still be here with me next year 😁💫

🎊

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year

🎉🎅❤

#rewind

[comicaurora]

Waaaaiiit you grew up an undiagnosed neurodivergent? I feel like I should have a tom of questions because I've recently begun to wonder if I'm neurodivergent too, but I can't articulate my questions at all. So I guess what I'm asking is, what was that like? How were you diagnosed? What's the story behind that? Are you comfortable sharing your experiences with growing up "undiagnosed neurodivergent?"

Big, big caveat that I have not been diagnosed with anything. Smaller caveat that it's looking about 98% likely that I'm very ADHD, which would certainly help explain

"she's very bright, if she would just focus more in class and be less disruptive she'd be perfect" on every single report card I ever got

I'm listening, I promise, I'm just not looking at you, and if you make me look at you I won't be able to keep listening

if I cannot doodle in class I will Die

did I miss the day where they passed out a handbook of social rules

nah coffee doesn't wake me up or disrupt my sleep schedule at all, if anything it makes it easier for me to focus, guess I'm just weird that way

I've finally finished the thing I was working on and I just realized I've been sitting cross-legged for six hours without moving, I'm hungry, everything hurts and I really need to pee

why do I feel so weird and bad AH yes I have forgotten to eat

didn't I make tea sometime in the last four hours

hey wanna hear me talk about the media that's been consuming my every waking thought yea you do here goes

there's a car a block and a half away whose brakes are squeaking so I didn't hear anything you just said

I tried doing the assignment you asked for but it was so boring I wanted to melt so I did this cooler thing instead can I still get a good grade

I already know how to play this music, this is boring, I'm going to play it twice as fast so I'll be done quicker and wait for the rest of the band to catch up, because that is how music works

"oh yea that person hated you for years for some reason, they talked about it all the time, you really didn't know?" no but thanks for letting me know I guess

what do you mean I have to put both my feet on the floor when I sit in a chair, do you want me to die

hey wanna hear some cool space facts yea you do here goes

I'm ten years old in a class of less than twenty people and I don't understand why a solid dozen of those people won't stop making fun of everything I do and say but I've at least figured out I have no way to make them stop so I'm going to try leaning into being proud of being weird even though I'm not really proud I just feel dumb and confused and alone but I can at least pretend I have some control over this situation because I'm receiving zero support because the school administration doesn't know how to address bullying that doesn't involve physical violence and I can't work up the nerve to even be angry at most of these guys even though anger would make things so much easier to emotionally handle because when they're not making fun of me they're friendly and fun to be around and that's really all I want from them and I don't want to push them away when they're being friendly to me because then they might start just being terrible and I'll be even more isolated and I don't even realize I'm scraping along emotional rock bottom for years until

I'm fourteen years old in a new school where I don't know anybody but nobody thinks of me as the designated bullying magnet and people actually act like they like me and think I'm new and interesting and fun to talk to and invite me into friend groups and social gatherings and the things that made me weird and hurt before are what's making me interesting and fun here and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does so

I'm seventeen years old at a high school class retreat and I'm clumsily trying to explain to the rest of my grade how much they've done for me just by being kind and I had a plan for what I wanted to say but the minute I got up on the podium it all turned into a blur and I still have no idea what I actually said to them but I hope they got the message

I'm eighteen years old with a close-knit friend group I still can't quite believe is real and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to them how much they've done for me and I'm really worried we're going to splinter when we split up for college but we don't because sometimes people really do care about each other

I construct a youtube channel specifically designed to let me infodump all my directionless media enthusiasm into carefully-crafted serotonin machines so I can stop boring my friends to tears with them and start inflicting the infodumps on willing audiences that actually seek them out

I very gradually start processing that the fact that my life kinda sucked for several years had nothing to do with my worth as a human being and everything to do with the fact that I was stuck in a bad situation with a lot of other unhappy people, and that things being good now isn't some temporary fluke doomed to fail

I'm twenty years old and I see someone online mention "rejection sensitive dysphoria" for the first time and a whole lot of things about me start making more sense

Everything gets better and I'm happy, well-rested, and not alone

#asks #not aurora

[hypoallergenicpunx]

i know this is probably an unpopular opinion but i get bi/pan (ftm) trans vibes from Vi.

hear me out.

the way Vi looks at Caitlyn is absolutely gay as all fuck.

but honestly so is the way they wink at Jayce (think about it).

i've seen peeps saying Vi is strictly a lesbian but i get the vibe they'd be bi/pan or even use them interchangeably (i think undercity would probably think pan is a dumb term because they've already established the understanding that bi is gnc af, pan is a topside thing that younger undercity generation will use too for safety reasons but also if they feel the term suits them better. i also feel older folk topside would think of it as pretty taboo to be bi so like peeps like Elora are also kind of bitter about pan because she feels like bi is being swept under the rug but will tolerate (begrudgingly) those who identify with it though she will absolutely criticize it openly.

so that whole dynamic considered, i feel like gender wasn't a huge deal for Vi until their chest started developing and maybe they identified as male while in prison or found out they got some sense of gender euphoria from binding to keep themself from being hyper-sexualized or sexually assaulted. overall i really think they would identify as a demiboy, not really feeling like they would need surgery but if the opportunity presented itself would go for at least partial reduction. i feel like Caitlyn would gladly pay for it or somehow make it seem like the opportunity came to Vi organically by some stroke of luck (idt Vi takes well to charity) - mostly because when she found out they bind (usually for much longer periods of time than they're supposed to) she's so worried about them hurting themself and insists. if Vi found out she was behind it would get upset that it wasn't fair for the other undercity trans folks & thus the concept of a clinic funded by Caitlyn topside with the proceeds going to the same clinic but un the undercity to help those without the money to transition (if they wish). that said i feel like maybe Vi would have taken testosterone for a period of time but in small doses, not to grow facial hair or anything but so their voice would drop some and then after that decided it wasn't necessary to continue.

i feel like Vi wouldn't necessarily have bottom dysphoria but would find the suggestion of them being able to get pregnant kind of cripplingly dysphoric and would have gone back alley to get their tubes tied. that said kids are on the table, just Caitlyn would either have to be the "mother"/pregnant one or they would adopt. (tbh i see Vi and Caitlyn as a longterm thing even if they eventually split or got divorced,

as an extension of that i feel like they would prefer being called 'Mod'/'Maddy'/'Per' (idk why but Mod sounds really natural to me) and say if Jayce and Vi or whatever became an item he would ask about if it bothers them not to be called dad and they'd be like no because that's not me and he'd have respect for that.

aside from that idt Vi would have a problem with pronouns, going by pm any but secretly getting a little boost of gender euphoria when masc or neutral was assumed. does get a bit dysphoric if called fem pronouns too much because most do assume they are a girl and will also stir up scared feelings from being in prison and stuff that would end up with them drinking to forget/beating the shit out of something and then either or having a good cry that takes the load off and makes it all better.

i think Vi would still very much like being referred to as a lesbian despite the way they identify and while i personally don't understand it i do respect it (tbh feeling like Vi would do that is really something weird for me as a concept because i solely identify as male and have been called a lesbian and found that terribly dysphoric but from the experiences i've observed of other people i think this would be true in their case.

if Vi got like super bad dysphoria for some reason that manifested as anger Jayce would absolutely take it from a strap and tell them how big and hot it is actually calling them sir to really drive the point home - if really sad would praise Vi as his 'baby boy' or his 'prince', calling their clit a tdick or a cock to reassure their own doubts of their masculinity/androgyny.

honestly the more i write about it the more affirmed i am that it's very true to character, i really thought about it and i think it would make a lot of sense without necessarily denouncing them as a lesbian icon or straight up denying that it's within the realm of possibility? idk. i just, it's been eating away at me since i first started watching arcane & i know the only way i'm gonna be able to pick back up on it is if i voice my thoughts.

i hope this doesn't offend anyone (even though it probably will).

#arcane #fanon #tw nsft #trans nsft #me #demi #demiboy #lesbian #Vi #vi arcane #league of legends #vi lol #caitlyn lol #caitlyn arcane #jayce lol #jayce arcane #bi #pan #headcanon #ftm #nb #ftnb #trans masc #trans neutral #i'm gonna go try not to have a panic attack about posting this

[goldenchan-fx2thepeacock]

Quick AU where Danny stays in town during Girls Night Out

Yeah, random thoughts spring into brain. Danny is trans. I think that's enough background info. Also, Tumblr got a new post editor, so I'm betaing it right now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny was supposed to go fishing with his dad. But something came up. AKA, Vlad wanted him to go visit him without Danny. So Danny was in Amity Park when he was supposed to be having dad bonding time. What could he say? His dad got that dumb book and everything. It was gonna be epic. Except stupid Vlad had to go and ruin everything. Whatever. Dad said they would go next weekend.

The first big issue was when Tucker disappeared. And he didn't. Might've been a dumb ghost thing. So he and Sam went to find stuff out. Except all the men in town were gone. It was glaring. "I-I'm sure it's nothing Danny!" Sam said nervously. "Yeah. It's gotta have been a stupid mistake. Maybe I'm immune cause I'm half ghost," Except there weren't any male ghosts either. "Yeah, that's gotta be it!" That when they heard Ember. "OH YEAH! NO MORE PESKY GUYS! IT'S A GIRL'S NIGHT OUT!" "Yes. You know, I'm surprised that worked. I was afraid it might've been a ghost only thing," Spectra drawled. "Of course it worked. The superior gender always prevails," Kitty replied. "And that's obviously female," Every vein in his body was pounding. "I think you might've confused sex for gender ladies," Sam said patiently. "We're not having sex!" Ember laughed. "You do realize how invalidating this can feel for trans people?!" Sam shrieked back. "If they're still here, that means it's a she," Spectra grinned. That was the last straw. He ran. As fast as he could. And for a half ghost that was fast. Once he got home, he slammed the door.

Sam saw Danny run off and knew how this was looking for him. "Isn't this rich? The ghost boy is really a girl," Kitty grinned. "I'm surprised I didn't notice sooner," Spectra laughed. Ember stayed oddly quiet for someone who was normally boisterously loud.

Danny curled in on himself. Herself. NO! Don't second guess yourself. It change the fact that it hurt. "All the men in town are gone!" He heard Jazz yell. "I realize that Jazz. Thank goodness your father is out of town," Mom sighed. "Wait, but Danny isn't! I really hope..." She was standing in his doorway. "FUCKING GHOSTS!" Jazz didn't swear. She never swore. "What is it Jazz? Oh. Danny, I'm so sorry," Mom pulled him into a hug. "I'll be fine," He grumbled. "Do you know which ghosts?" Jazz decided to change the conversation. "Spectra, Kitty and Ember," "Great. Spectra is going to use this horribly," Jazz grumbled quiet enough that only Danny could hear. "Listen, we have to get the guys back first," "Wait, if you're, that means any trans women in Amity are stuck there," Mom said. "Can we not talk about that? I'm seriously not in the mood," "At least pesky Phantom won't be here to get in the way," Jazz and Danny exchanged a look. Sam came bursting in. "Danny! Okay, I am going to make them even deader than before," Sam cracked her knuckles. "I'm fine Sam. Let's just find a way to fix this," "I have an idea!" Jazz said. "No," Danny, Sam and Mom said in unison. "Oh come on. Don't be like that. Not all my plans are bad," Jazz protested. "Speaking from experience (of being trapped in a thermos way too much for one night), that is completely untrue," "What was that about thermoses Danny?" Mom said. "Jazz put soup in my Fenton Thermos!" "I couldn't tell them apart! We really need to label things," "Like with a massive sticker that say Fenton?" "All our stuff has those!" "Fair enough," Danny conceded. It was the plan if anyone caught them talking about getting trapped in thermoses. It made sense because it actually happened. "Well, since Jazz's plan is out, I opt that we figure out how this whole thing happened," Mom said. "It's a combo between Kitty and Ember. Kitty has this thing that makes men disappear into another dimension. And Ember must've used her guitar to make it cover all of Amity. If we don't get them out in twelve hours, they'll be stuck there forever," "And I will have to resign to a life of raging dysphoria," "You were gonna have that anyways," "Times ten. This won't help anyways, but it won't be all bad," "Let's stop talking about you being trans. Danny, you're staying here," Jazz winked. He knew what that meant. They would get all the men back and Danny would keep the ghosts at bay. "Okay. So, from what they were blabbing, all we have to do is get them to do it again," Sam said. Once they had a plan in place, all they had to do was implement it. They left and Danny quickly transformed. Praying that Spectra wouldn't find a way to use this against him, he sped off. "Hey! Poo faces! I'm not gone, and it semi pisses me off!" He screamed. "Oh now sweety. Why would you want to leave behind the superior gender?" Spectra said. "Because it makes me feel horrible and like I was born wrong," "You were, weren't you," Don't let Spectra sink her claws in Fenturd! "Yeah, maybe I was, but if I work hard enough I can fix it," "How is Danny Phantom still here?" He heard Paulina say. Nope, not listening. "They're all going to know. You can't do anything about that," Spectra laughed evilly. "Now girls, follow the recipe! You too now," "I'm. NOT A GIRL!" The wail was probably ill planned, but Danny wasn't thinking straight. Shit, humans. He cut himself off. "Oh come on now. No matter how many times you tell yourself that, you still have to cover parts of yourself. Don't tell me you don't wake up every morning and wish you were a real boy?" "I am. I am a real boy. I just have to take a few extra steps to get there," "Oh come on now. Stop lying to yourself. Maddie, how can you possibly call these eggs? They're green," Okay, maybe dealing with Spectra first was a bad idea. But she was also taunting his mom. Deal with Ember. She must be better than this.

So he flew to a stage. Ember was rocking out with a bunch of girls. Sam was in the background. This was probably one of the less dangerous problems. "Listen, if you're going to taunt me for the fact that I'm still here, do it already," "Hey, listen kid. I'm not actually going to taunt you. Kitty and Spectra are being complete jerks, but I'm not going to judge you for being trans," "Y-you're not?" "Heck no! I'm doing this because I wanted to have a fun night without guys. You included. I'll just have to take a few extra steps to get rid of you!" Danny dodged the guitar strum easily. "Are you planning on bringing them back at the end of the night?" "That's really up to Kitty," "I guess," Sam could deal with Ember.

Next up was Kitty. Oh great, makeup. (I honestly forget what Kitty was doing, so makeup works) "Now girls. All you gotta do is apply the bronzer like so!" "Kitty! How would Johnny feel if he knew you were doing this?" "Oh come on now Ghost girl, you can't be serious. Johnny is having a guys night in all due time," "HEY! Don't you dare. Transphobia doesn't help anyone," Jazz yelled. "Oh stop complaining. She knows she doesn't belong with the guys. From the looks of it, Spectra's already gotten to you. This'll make this so much easier,"

The plan backfired immensely. Danny and Mom were a mess, Sam didn't manage to get the guitar, and Jazz just got in a debate with Kitty. Danny, having to keep up a facade, came downstairs. "How'd it go?" "Terribly. Though, I did learn the Ghost Boy is trans," Mom said. "Fascinating," "It's, well it's oddly human. Why would a ghost even bother?" "Turns out gender dysphoria comes to the grave," "Danny, this is no time for one of your morbid jokes," Yeah, maybe it was morbid, but it wasn't a joke. "Whatever. I guess we get to use Jazz's plan," "All we gotta do is convince them that a cis guy is still in town. Like wandered in after the disappearing act," "Great plan. Sam can't pretend to be me though," "How did you know I was going to do that?" "Lucky guess,"

So that's how Jazz ended up wearing a baseball cap and a pair of men's jeans into Ember's concert. "Did we really have to use a pair of dad's jeans? These barely fit," "You know, the fact that they fit at all should be surprising. Dad was skinny at one point in his life. Which means that one of us could be on his end of the gene pool," "It's probably you," "Don't make me think about that. Hiding what little chest I have is hard enough. If I got dad's genes, I'd honestly be terrified," "We haven't seen the women on his side of the family. And besides, you got the blue eyes black hair thing," "You are honestly scaring me. Now, I gotta scram before someone sees me talking to you. Mom or the ghosts," "Fair,"

And thus, the plan worked. Kitty, adamant that no men be left in Amity, blew another kiss. Ember amplified it. The men came back. The three got thermosed. Jazz laughed at their faces when they honestly though she was from out of town. Danny once again didn't get taken, even in ghost form.

Tucker and Sam found him curled up in his bed. "Hey man. I know this has gotta be tough for you," Tucker said. "Spectra had no right!" Sam continued. "Thanks guys. But I think I'm gonna take a few days off school," The trio heard Dash's voice outside. "Hey mom. I know what happened was scary. And I know it must've felt really bad, but I still see you as my mom," "Thanks Dash. I can always count on you to make me feel better," A woman's voice rang out. Danny looked over the window sill. "See Danny. It's not horribly weird. Just a few transphobic ghosts," Tucker laughed. "A couple," "What?" Sam and Tucker said in unison. "Ember isn't," "How do you know that?" "I talked to her," "Hey Fenturd! Don't you dare tell anyone about my mom! And don't be mean to her! I'm sure you wouldn't get it," "You'd be surprised Dash!" He grabbed his trans flag and hung it out the window. "I get it more than you seem to think!" Dash's mom smiled at him. "Y-you're trans? I thought you were just a loser!" "Yeah, and I had to talk to the transphobic ghosts. So I won't invalidate your mom!" Dash stared up at him. "Holy shit,"

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Praying that this uploads, cause I've got shoddy internet rn. And I'm working on my Gravity Falls crossover fic. I just had this pop into my mind. Prolly just gonna be a oneshot. I might make another fic about Jack's side of the family later, that's connected to this one.

#danny phantom #danny fenton #sam manson #tucker foley #dash baxter #trans!danny #trans!dash's mom #maddie fenton #kitty (ghosts) #ember mclain #phic #penelope spectra #tw:transphobia #tw: gender dysphoria #jazz fenton

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class. 

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening. 

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling. 

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took. 

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally. 

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there. 

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with  feeling their pain. 

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it. 

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

#adhd #adhd life #executive dysfunction #positive affimation #but it's only the begining ig #i might delete positive affirmations #idk #pros and cons #pros and cons of my adhd #nuerodivergent #nuerodivergent friends are the best #i will elaborate at some point #I've been on tumblr too long

[dog-teeth]

Did you experience any emotional changes when you started T? How was it

yeah, a whole bunch! i guess ill start with anger. pre-T, my anger often skipped over the part where i was angry and went straight into feeling frustrated, helpless, sad, or worthless. i think part of this is biological and part of it is because of how women are conditioned to not feel or express anger. when i got really angry pre-T, i would just cry. i remember feeling white-hot rage, so so fucking angry, and i would just be weeping, and whoever i was angry at would be like aww are you okay / not take me seriously bc i was crying which just made me More Angry which just made me cry more!!!! it was one of my least favorite feelings ever.

now on T i get angry more quickly, i’m more prone to being snappy with people and reacting with anger before realizing i don’t want to react that way or don’t feel that way at all. anger is a response i go to more quickly and more often now. however, it also goes away faster, and leaves less residue behind. i used to never be able to fully let go of my anger, i would seethe and fester because it just wouldnt go away bc i had no outlet to let it out. when i did have anger breakdowns even then it was just bc i had reached a snapping point and it didn’t do much in terms of catharsis. i wanted to burn alive. i wanted to burn the whole world, but i couldn’t, i felt helpless and small, and the feeling of frustration never went away. but now i can actually let go of my anger, it comes and goes faster and doesnt leave behind that terrible deep frustration. i get angry, i want to run really fast or hit or break something, i let it out in a healthy way (usually sprinting) or an unhealthy way (snapping at someone) and then it goes away.

and then, basically the opposite is true with sadness. i used to just cry and release my sadness and then feel better (though underlying deep depression-type sadness was still there and still is). but its harder for me to cry now. sadness lives deep in my heart in a way that is slightly more suffocating now when it gets strong. its not quite as prevalent as the anger thing bc i can still have catharsis for my sadness without crying, crying just helps a lot. also, and this was true pre-T as well, i cry much much i more over media than i do over my real life.

i think it has to do with my hyperempathy because of adhd/autism. not sure why, but media i feel strongly about can make me cry INSTANTLY whereas i rarely cry over the very real grief and sadness i experience in my own life. in general tho i am less sad.

next on the list is sex and romance! (slight nsfw warning) idk how deep i wanna go into it but i will say that my sex drive increased and the things i wanted out of my sexual and romantic life changed a lot, in terms of things like what gender i was attracted to, what dynamic i wanted to have during sex (top/bottom, dom/sub, what activities i wanted to do, etc). who i wanted to be in a relationship and in bed both changed. the way i experience desire and attraction is different, both romantically and sexually.

and now i’m much more confident! now that i’m not nearly as dysphoric, i have no problem meeting new people bc im content with how they will perceive me physically. i used to hate talking because i hated my voice, i didn’t even really see it completely as dysphoria, like yeah i wished it was lower but i thought i just hated my voice for no real reason. but all thats gone now! i love talking to people, i love meeting people, i love being around people (until my introvert instincts kick in then i love being alone at home but its not bc of gender lol)

i didnt even realize how dysphoric i was until i stopped being dysphoric and i realized how prevalent and crushing it was in my life. i’m also more confident because i can be more myself. since im physically more androgynous, i can do things that are seen as feminine without feeling dysphoric or getting instantly misgendered. to be androgynous i used to have to put all my effort toward being masculine to balance out my body’s perceived femininity. i used to only be able to wear out ‘masculine’ clothes and even then i would still get misgendered and be dysphoric.

now i’m growing my hair out, i can wear dresses and skirts and eyeshadow and have much more fun with my gender presentation. im much more confident and happy with myself! i had no idea how much it would improve my life.

its been really strange experiencing basic fundamental emotions like anger and desire and social connection in a different way! but i’m 100% happy with all of it!!

#ez answers #drawreplies #hrt #t #testosterone #nonbinary #transgender #genderfluid #genderqueer #autobio comics #comics #about the ezra #Anonymous