#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she

[munamania]

ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc

#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this #i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space #together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her #i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she #s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked #each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks #and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically #falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her #and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways #literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are #and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk #but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward #it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible #i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn #sorry for this. #film girl saga

[crossdressingdeath]

"Boys will be boys" logic is interesting since WWX himself basically uses that exact excuse in the book when he tells LWJ not to take JC's homophobic rant/assault seriously in the ancestral hall bc that's just how JC is, as if WWX himself wasn't furious when JC targeted LWJ in that scene. A lot of WWX's famed unreliable narration is rationalizing the crazy shit JC does but sometimes people tend to take it at face value.

Yes, exactly! That is such a huge thing. WWX spends so much time telling himself (and through himself the audience) that oh, it can’t be helped when JC mistreats him, JC is just like that, it’s totally fine, he doesn’t mind, and we see how that viewpoint was encouraged and strengthened by the people around him, especially JYL (sorry Shijie but it’s true). Hell, you could argue that this particular aspect of his character was entirely her doing, given YZY just thinks he should be subordinate to JC in all things and JFM mostly ignores JC’s behaviour; it’s just JYL going for the “oh boys will be boys, you’re strong and always smiling, you can take it” angle.

...Actually, let’s go into that a bit more because it very much gets buried under the “best sister” shit; I am prepared to argue that JYL consistently taking JC’s side did serious damage to WWX. Like, she was the only Jiang who consistently showed him affection and support and he convinced himself that it was unconditional! But the “unconditional” aspect was an illusion entirely based on his ability to consistently and convincingly pretend that JC wasn’t hurting him. WWX isn’t stupid, I don’t doubt for a second that he knew JYL would take JC’s side if it came down to it. She always takes JC’s side from day one. Literally; she hears WWX say he’ll take the blame for JC chasing him out of Lotus Pier and getting WWX’s leg broken while all JC did was come out looking for WWX personally (instead of doing the smart and more helpful thing and getting adults to help) because he was scared he’d get in trouble and he got a little scrape because he was running through the woods like an idiot because, again, he was too scared of getting in trouble to GET ACTUAL HELP THAT WASN’T A CHILD and she’s like “Yeah, that sounds reasonable and fair and not like a really, really bad precedent to set with a kid whose safety relies on my family liking him”. ...There’s also an aspect of “Sure, it can’t hurt to let the kid my mother very clearly hates take responsibility for something that he could be punished for by someone with a motive to take everything possible as a wrongdoing on WWX’s part”, but to be fair at this point she doesn’t know YZY will whip WWX for literally anything she can even slightly suggest is any sort of wrongdoing on WWX’s part. And let’s not pretend WWX wasn’t punished for JC getting hurt; come on, it’s YZY, she punishes him for sunbathing.

This is a running thing going forward in their dynamic, too! JC does something horrible, JYL immediately starts in on the “Oh, boys will be boys, A-Cheng might get upset if you call him out on his shit” shtick if WWX shows the slightest trace of dissatisfaction with being treated like garbage, WWX smiles and forgives JC for whatever he did without question, there’s a period of calm, the cycle repeats. JYL very much teaches WWX that he cannot EVER show any unhappiness with JC’s threats and insults. If he ever shows so much as a shred of anger or sadness or generally being upset at the way JC mistreats him JYL takes JC’s side. At most she’ll tell JC that maybe he should back off a little while basically telling WWX to grin and bear it because JC might be slightly upset if anyone ever calls him out on being horrible to literally everyone. And don’t even get me started on the whole “Oh you’re always smiling” bullshit, talk about teaching a mistreated orphan that he has literally no right to look sad about anything ever. Like, let me put it this way: WWX doesn’t even feel he can go to JYL about JC TRYING TO KILL HIM. That’s a lot? It’s a lot? And it never really gets discussed in any way? WWX doesn’t feel like he can tell his supposed sister who supposedly loves him unconditionally that her brother tried to murder him like three times and when the third time comes up JYL takes JC’s side because JC’s arm got broken in the process of the staged fight where JC stabbed WWX in the gut and that’s fine and healthy apparently. Stan WQ, the actual best sister (god I love WQ).

Anyway, now that I’m done enraging the fandom with my tangent about how much JYL sucks as a sister to WWX... Yeah, WWX insists that JC’s attitude can’t be helped because JC’s just like that even when he very clearly doesn’t buy that? He’s obviously pissed when JC goes after LWJ to the point of genuinely going after JC for it... but when they get away from JC he goes into the “Oh, he can’t help it, don’t get mad at him”. And in this particular case part of it is him panicking because JC’s homophobic ranting (and LWJ’s clear anger at it) left him questioning his and LWJ’s feelings and the mutuality thereof, but it also... really does throw every other time he insists JC’s behaviour is fine into question. Like, we know he’s not buying his own line in this scene! He was furious at JC! He’s still furious and upset! But he feels the need to cover for JC. Even after he’s realized that JC’s behaviour wasn’t okay, he still feels like he has to protect him from anyone else getting angry at him. WWX knows JC’s behaviour isn’t okay and that it’s not fair that JC treats him the way he does and I’d argue (especially at this point in the story) that he deserves better than JC’s treatment... but he still insists that JC is just like that and it’s fine.

That throws every single time WWX smiles through JC’s mistreatment into question, I’d say; we know he’ll react this way even when he knows that JC’s behaviour isn’t okay, so who’s to say he ever isn’t aware that JC’s behaviour isn’t okay? In CQL XZ does an excellent job of showing that at least in that continuity he is extremely done with JC’s shit even from when they’re fifteen; the novel is as far as I remember a little less clear, but it’s still pretty obvious that he’s not enjoying the way JC treats him. He knows that the way JC treats him is hurtful and upsetting and sometimes even frightening (think of the times JC threatens him with dogs and he’s clearly scared, which is a whole other thing because either he’s so scared of dogs that even the threat terrifies him or he has zero doubt that JC for sure would set dogs on him, which is a big thing either way and also I’m still not over how CQL JYL laughs when JC threatens WWX with dogs even though WWX is clearly scared and she totally would’ve laughed if that happened in the novel too but showing it so blatantly and then never actually getting into how messed up it is is just unnecessary), but he feels like he has to smile through it and cover for JC, just like when they were nine.

Anyway yeah, for a fandom so obsessed with WWX being an unreliable narrator the MDZS/CQL fandom sure does miss a lot of times where WWX is actually being unreliable, huh.

#mdzs #grapehate #wei wuxian #lotus sister #...got a bit off-track there whoops #anyway the jiangs ALL suck and FUCK jyl for enabling jc's horrible behaviour #anon #asks

[lesbianrobin]

What do you think are the good and bad aspects of each season of ST?

ok 1. thank u for this question omg and 2. this answer may or may not be a mess, but either way it’s long (almost 7k words lmao) bc i’m insane, which is why it’s under a cut. it’s still by no means an exhaustive list but these are the things that just kinda came to mind.

also i realize you asked “good and bad” and i wrote this whole post as “strengths and weaknesses” which um. is not Exactly what you asked. but close enough <3 i also ended up including a lot of au ideas ksjdckmn bc like i personally hate when people say a certain plot or whatever was bad without suggesting anything that could have improved it yknow so whenever possible i tried to provide Some idea for fixing the issues i had with the show!!

season 1

strengths (this is probably gonna be the longest section but that’s because a lot of these strengths also apply to s2/s3 by default)

nostalgia and authenticity

this one’s pretty simple, but i think that season one did a good job of blending classic eighties media homages (such as the many many e.t./el parallels) with explicit pop culture references (such as mike’s yoda impression, mentions of the x-men, etc) to create a show that’s essentially dripping in early eighties nostalgia without it feeling too forced. before st, i think the most popular depiction of the eighties in mainstream media was that overly exaggerated neon scrunchie aesthetic from the mid to late eighties, and it was usually done in a comedic sense first and foremost. st took a different approach, instead focusing on the early eighties, a time that’s often ignored in favor of going either Full Seventies or Full Eighties, and i think that this choice likely resonated with adults who lived through the eighties and hadn’t yet seen something that felt quite so accurate to their own adolescence. a lot of young people who watched st were totally unfamiliar with this period of time, unfamiliar with books/movies like “stand by me” that st borrows from heavily, and i think st lent more seriousness to the eighties than most young people had experienced so far, and this was refreshing and interesting!

the use of dnd in the show is also quite genius in a way i’m not sure i can articulate?? it isn’t something Everyone would have played at the time, but it’s something that existed within a different context back in the eighties than it does today, and it really lent a sort of authenticity to the naming of the show’s sci-fi elements. like, of course these kids would name parallel dimensions and monsters and superpowers after these similar things in their favorite game! it just feels so real and it grounds st in our reality moreso than you might expect from the typical sci-fi or horror universe.

utilization of existing tropes

almost every single character in st clearly originates from some popular trope. the plot itself is riddled with classic eighties movie tropes. almost every single element of stranger things can be clearly traced back to some iconic eighties film or just to, like, overused horror/sci-fi/mystery/coming-of-age movie tropes in general. this might sound like a bad thing, but it really works in st’s favor! starting off with familiar tropes gives st the ability to easily create a lot of complexity and make a big impact by selectively deviating from those familiar, comfortable tropes!! while el’s whole plot, hopper’s character, etc, are all examples of this in action, i think the steve/nancy/jonathan plot is the greatest example. even from the start, the fact that good girl barb dies while nancy is off having sex with her asshole boyfriend is an incredibly thorough inversion of the most well-known horror movie trope in the book. how often do girls in horror movies have sex for the first time, walk home alone in the dark of night, and live to tell the tale? nancy and jonathan’s dynamic at first glance is a sort of classic “good girl meets boy from the wrong side of the tracks, discovers he’s actually got a heart of gold” thing, but instead of following this well-trodden path, st diverged. nancy is brash, impulsive, and at times downright insensitive. jonathan is angry, bitter, and actually a bit of a creep at first. while they have the capacity to emotionally connect and support one another, they can also bring out each other’s darker side, which is not what we’ve come to expect from that initial tropey dynamic.

in addition, steve, the popular rich asshole boyfriend, is actually... a human being! unlike the cartoonishly evil jocks that we’ve come to expect (especially from eighties movies), steve has complexity. despite his initial immaturity and selfishness, he’s also kind to barb, he backs off when nancy says no, he’s gentle and sweet when they sleep together, his first big Dick Move of the season is in defense of nancy, he realizes the error of his ways after the fight and does what he can to fix it, he’s worried about nancy when he sees that she’s hurt at jonathan’s house, and to top it all off, he ends up saving both nancy and jonathan’s lives when he could have just walked away, and the three of them all work together to fight the demogorgon. like... steve began as the most stereotypical character of all time, and by the end of the season, he had one of the most compelling and unique arcs among the whole cast!

finally, at the very end of the season, instead of dumping steve for jonathan as expected, nancy ends up getting back together with steve, and they’re both on friendly terms with jonathan. i realize that i just kinda. summarized s1. but my POINT is that i don’t think the dynamics between the monster hunting trio would be nearly as fun and interesting had the characters of nancy, steve, and jonathan not been set up to follow certain paths that we already had charted in our own heads. like, within the first couple episodes of s1, it’s pretty obvious that nancy and steve are gonna break up, nancy will get with jonathan, and steve will either die or go full evil or just never be seen again. like, duh! you’ve seen this story a million times! you know that’s how it’s gonna go! so, when the story DOESN’T go that way, the impact of each character’s arc and the relationship dynamics become stronger due to their unexpected complexity and authenticity. 

distinct plotlines separated by age group

this one’s rather obvious, but the way that the adults in s1 were essentially in a conspiracy thriller while the teens were in a horror flick and the kids were in a sci fi power-of-friendship story and all three converged at the end... wow. brilliant showstopping etc. not only was it just really well done and unique, it also gave stranger things near-universal appeal. like, there’s genuinely something for pretty much everyone in season one!

casting

obviously this applies to every season sorta by default, but when i think about what made season one So successful, i always think about the cast, and not just winona ryder. yes, she’s absolutely amazing in the show and it’s very doubtful that st would be as big as it is today without her name being attached to it from the start!! however, i think the greatest determining factor in st’s success is the casting of the kids, particularly millie bobby brown. like... el is just absolutely incredible. she’s amazing. this has all been said many times before so i won’t harp on it, but millie and the other kids are all So talented and charismatic and i think their casting has been instrumental to the show’s success.

strong visuals

the way that multicolored christmas lights which have been around for decades are now kinda like. a Stranger Things thing. jesus christ. those lights are probably the biggest stroke of stylistic genius on the show.

atmosphere and setting

this is probably like. the least important one here for me sdjncdsc because i think s2 and s3 both had like Even Better atmospheres and shit but s1 was good too and it laid the groundwork!! i know a lot of people would have preferred st be set somewhere more Spooky with lots of fog or giant forests or whatnot, and while i do enjoy thinking about alternate st settings and how they might alter the vibe, i think hawkins indiana was a good choice. as the duffers have said, placing stranger things in a fictional town allows them more flexibility than if they’d gone with their original plan of using montauk, new york. besides that, i think the plainness and like... flatness... of small-town indiana just Works. like, the fact that hawkins is never really scary on the surface is a big part of the horror in the lab’s actions and their impact. hawkins isn’t somewhere that people just disappear all the time. it isn’t somewhere known for strange occurrences (prior to s1, that is). it isn’t somewhere shrouded in mist and secrecy. hawkins on its surface seems like the sort of place with no secrets and nothing to fear, and that’s the point! the lab is out in the open! it’s right there! everything is so close to the surface, yet so far out of the public eye, and i think that really works.

the byers family’s whole deal (specifically the joyce/jonathan dynamic)

this is going here bc i miss it so bad in s2 and s3. i’m not one of those people who believe The Byers Are The Whole Point of the show, because st is and always has been an ensemble, and el, hopper, and the wheelers are just as instrumental to the plot as the byers, but ANYWAY, i do think the byers were one of the most interesting aspects of s1. joyce’s difficulties with supporting her sons as a poor and (implied mentally ill) single mother, jonathan’s stress as a result of having to earn money, care for his brother, and keep the house in order when his mother is unable to do so, and the resulting tension between them when will’s disappearance and supposed “death” brings the situation to a tipping point? holy shit! it’s so good! that argument after they see will’s “body” is just incredible and gut-wrenching. their relationship feels so real and messy and i think it’s just... good. also winona ryder REALLY acted her heart out and she carried a lot of s1 which i think people often forget to mention so i’m saying it here.

weaknesses

pacing/timing

ok so pacing is probably going to go in each season’s weaknesses, to be honest, because i think they all had a blend of some good and some bad pacing. good pacing is invisible pacing, though, so i probably won’t be putting it in any of the strengths sections and will only be focusing on it in the weaknesses. i’m also probably not going to talk about weird day/night cycle things, just because i don’t want to get nitpicky on timelines because that would require going back and rewatching things to double check timing which i don’t wanna do at the moment lmao. anyway, when i think of bad pacing in season one, i primarily think of two things: nancy’s little trip into the upside down and subsequent sleepover with jonathan, and the sort of staggered nature of the climax in the final episode. the latter is simple so i’ll explain it first: while i understand that each group’s respective climax is like part of a chain reaction and that’s why each big moment happens separately and at different times, i think that st is strongest when the whole group is together, and i think that makes the stakes feel higher too, so i’m not In Love with the way s1 separated everyone and gave each group their own climax. 

okay, now on to the nancy/upside down thing! idk if i’ve ever talked about it before, but i think the worst decision made in s1 by far is the inclusion of nancy’s brief trip into the upside down, wherein she dives headfirst into another dimension with absolutely no backup, watches the demogorgon chow down, freaks out and runs around for a minute, and then leaves. like... what the fuck? even putting aside what an idiotic decision this was (because i do think nancy’s tendency to rush into things headfirst is an intentional and consistent character trait), it just kind of destroys any remaining suspense surrounding the demogorgon and the upside down, and it accomplishes basically nothing besides scaring nancy enough to have jonathan sleep over, which is lame. i will break it down.

like, first of all, nancy just getting to waltz in and out of the upside down and get a good, long look at the demogorgon makes the entire thing far less mysterious, and by extension far less scary. like... before this scene, we the audience haven’t got a good look at the demogorgon. we’ve seen its silhouette briefly and we’ve seen a blurry picture of it, but nothing more, and i think that is far more effective at building fear than this jaunt nancy goes on which gives us a full view of the thing and makes it into less of a horrifying nightmare and into more of a humanoid animal. like, maybe this is just me, but i found the demogorgon far less intimidating after that scene than before. it also lets nancy and jonathan know For Sure that they’re right without providing any crucial information that they need to fight the demogorgon (aka it’s unnecessary to the plot), which removes a very compelling story element (the faith nancy and jonathan need to have in order to keep going against a vague and poorly understood enemy, the doubt they might have about each other and their own sanity, the possibility that they might be wrong, the trust they need to have in each other) a bit earlier in the plot than i believe is ideal. at the end of episode 5, nancy goes into the upside down and jonathan doesn’t know where she is and it’s intense!!! you’re thinking like, oh fuck, not only is nancy missing and fighting for her life now too, jonathan might be implicated in her disappearance!! some people already think he’s the one who killed will and people know that he took creepy pictures of barb and nancy before they both disappeared, maybe this is gonna cause some serious problems for him!! maybe nancy will find will in the upside down and she’ll help him survive!! fuck, maybe she’ll actually die!! this is huge!! and then episode 6 starts and they’re immediately like oh nevermind jonathan found the tree and got nancy out and she’s fine. my point with all of this is that nancy entering the upside down could have done A Lot in the grand scheme of the plot, but all it did was just... get jonathan to sleep over so he and nancy could have some awkward romance moments and steve could see them together and pick a fight. which could have honestly happened at Any point while nancy and jonathan were working together to hunt down the demogorgon, without ruining the demogorgon’s and the upside down’s mystique. so yeah <3

weird behavior and dumbass decisions that make no sense (aka the whole camera thing)

gonna go off about the teen plot again sorry but: why was nancy so unbothered and quick to forgive jonathan for taking those pictures? girl what the fuck are you doing? why wasn’t that a bigger deal? why was jonathan’s motivation for doing it so weak and why did they just kind of forget about the whole thing? why did nancy TRACK HIM DOWN AT THE FUNERAL HOME while he was PICKING OUT HIS BABY BROTHER’S CASKET to be like hey can you tell me what’s in this creepshot you took? it’s insane. it’s so insane. i mean i think the funeral home thing is hilarious and i don’t mind it being in the show necessarily but like my point here is that i think a lot of character decisions in s1 just kind of.. happened because they Needed to happen for the plot. like, they wrote this plot that required jonathan to be secretly taking pictures of the party and required him and nancy to work together after seeing something odd in the pictures, but they didn’t like... really consider what that event would mean for their characterization and relationship. the whole thing was sort of just dropped with minimal discussion and i think it did both nancy and jonathan’s characters a disservice and was really mishandled.

lighting and saturation/color grading

i am literally begging horror/sci-fi shows to let me see shit. i GET IT okay i understand that when you’re doing cgi effects it helps to keep the lights down and i’m not mad at any of the lighting in the demogorgon/upside down scenes!! i’m really not i think the demogorgon scenes in s1 all look sick!! but like... dude. the colors. where are they. why does everyone look like a vampire. i know blah blah this was probably an intentional stylistic choice intended to mimic film at the time blah blah but dude a lot of old movies are very colorful!! please just let people have color in their faces so everyone doesn’t look like a sheet of paper!!! also i’m white and not a professional lighting designer so yknow grain of salt but i think lucas was kinda poorly served by the lighting sometimes in s1. not Hugely so, not to the degree that i’ve seen poc be poorly served by lighting in other shows, but there were some times where it felt kinda like the lighting setup was just not designed with darker skin in mind. 

horror

i just personally don’t find s1 very scary like... ever. i don’t think they were really Trying to be extremely scary yknow so i’m not counting this as a big deal, but i do think that each season has improved on the horror aspects. i think s1′s horror lies more in the mystery and the unknown than in what’s seen onscreen, and as i’ve said already, i think s1 kind of fumbled that suspense ball.

season 2

strengths

the possession plot

i’ll warn u rn this whole s2 strengths section is probably gonna be really short bc idk like. how much there is to really say i feel like it’s all so self-explanatory skjncmn. anyway yeah the possession plot!! eerie as fuck, and noah OWNED. so did winona tbh and finn and sean etc but like. noah. wow! i think the possession plot helped the show maintain a good amount of tension and suspense throughout the season, and a lot of scenes with possessed!will are flatout disturbing to watch. in a good way. i think the mindflayer and will’s possession were far more genuinely frightening than s1′s demogorgon, and it provided a new layer of depth and intrigue to the antagonist besides just “bad monster want eat people.”

tone and aesthetics

halloween season... literally halloween season. halloween season. that is all.

actually i will elaborate a bit and just say that i think s2 did a good job of having the sort of foreboding vibe that s1 was often going for, but without the annoying darkness and desaturation. so points for that.

also st2 is like one of the best Autumn pieces of media ever like it just. like steve and dustin on those train tracks with the fallen leaves all around them.... god. god the vibes are unparalleled. all of the halloween stuff also really contributes to the nostalgia st runs on yknow it makes you think about childhood and trick-or-treating and you kind of get transported like damn... i remember going to the rich neighborhoods to score the good candy..... idk i just think the whole thing is incredibly effective. 

“babysitter” steve

by sending nancy and jonathan off together, the show created a problem: what to do with steve? this problem pushed them to create the unconventional and unexpected duo of steve and dustin, and the world is so much brighter for it. seriously though we all know steve and dustin are great i don’t need to argue that point. all i’ll add is that i think allowing steve to grow in this way, serving as a mentor figure and becoming genuine friends with someone so unexpected, really took the originality of his character to the next level. no longer content just to defy his archetype, in s2 steve begins branching out in ways that never would have been considered in s1, creating an incredibly complex and interesting person from the sort of character that most shows would have simply written out or killed off for convenience’s sake. and it works and steve and dustin are such a joy to watch and i love them. <3

the lucas/max plot

so first of all max mayfield is the most perfect baby girl on god’s green earth and idk what i would do without her but anyway. i think lumax is the best romantic relationship in the show and not just because they’re the only ones with like an age-appropriate approach to the whole thing. it’s also because their relationship accomplishes more than just putting the two of them in a relationship!! lucas and max spending time together motivates billy to do his evil shit, providing more conflict in the narrative, and it also helps establish max as part of the group in a relatively natural way while giving both her and lucas a great subplot. lucas (and dustin) has a crush on the new girl, they start spending some time together, and lucas ends up needing to decide whether he’ll keep the secret of the upside down and lose her, or risk both of their lives by telling her the truth. that’s a pretty big, character-defining decision that he gets to make!! max has to choose whether to trust this boy she barely knows and endanger herself, or to walk away and stay safe, yet another great character-defining choice that also contributes to the sense we get as an audience of max as somebody who’s incredibly lonely and desperate for love and connection. this post is way too long already and i have a ton more to say so i’ll stop now but yeah i think lumax really Works in the show without ever distracting or detracting from the overall plot and narrative in the way that some other ships (coughjancycough) often do.

balance between the normal and abnormal

s2 i think did a pretty solid job of melding daily life with more fantastical sci-fi horror elements. i enjoyed seeing so much of the kids at school in the first few episodes!! you really get a strong sense of where they’re at in life, what their daily lives are like, and you get a sort of gradual shift into madness that makes everything feel more grounded than i think it would if they had just leapt straight into the horror shit, yknow? 

the el and hopper dynamic

go back and rewatch s2 and tell me that’s not one of the most moving portrayals of parenthood and trauma and growing up that you’ve ever seen. you can’t. or well you can but i won’t listen. i really can’t imagine stranger things without el and hopper’s relationship, and it’s my absolute favorite part of s2. their whole dynamic is so beautiful and complex, and gives them each amazing personal arcs in addition! the black hole scene is literally one of the show’s greatest moments of all time. any given scene between the two of them in s2 is just guaranteed to be heartwarming as well as heartbreaking, and i think that makes for an incredible show.

weaknesses

flashbacks

okay this applies to Every season they All have too many flashbacks but in s2 specifically... please stop showing me shit from season one. i watched it. i know what happened. you don’t need to spoon feed everything to me!! flashbacks can be a really helpful way of delivering information to an audience, but st has a bad habit of not only being kinda demeaning in how often they flash back to shit that the audience already knows, but they also have a bad habit of using flashbacks almost as a crutch to avoid having to deliver information subtly and naturally. 

you know i gotta say it... the lost sister

this is so sad. the lost sister really is like a great concept for an st episode, and i’m not mad about the idea of st taking a break from the normal action to focus on one story for a full episode, but the execution of it was just dreadful. kali and her crew feel very over-the-top and stereotypical, and its placement in the season totally kills the tension and excitement that was built in “the spy.” 

i think the lost sister honestly could have gone over far better, even with the stereotypical fake-feeling gang kali has, if they had just swapped it with “the spy” like... ok, the end of episode five has el setting off to find kali and will collapsing on the ground seizing. right? imagine if, instead of immediately following will to the lab, we’d followed el. we don’t know what’s happening with will, but it’s a very simple cliffhanger that leaves us on edge without making us feel cheated by the show cutting away. we follow el on her little journey, everything happens much the same as canon, and then at the end, el sees hopper in scrubs. she sees mike, screaming, sees that they’re both in danger. holy shit!!! what the fuck!!! what’s happened since we left will seizing on the ground??? we feel el’s fear and confusion. she decides to go home. and then... boom. “the lost sister” is over. now, we rewind, right back to will seizing on the ground, and “the spy” commences. we learn how they got into the danger that el saw in the end of “the lost sister,” and we sit on the edge of our seats all through “the spy” and “the mind flayer,” KNOWING that el is on her way back to save them but not knowing when she’ll arrive!! idk i don’t think that would have necessarily saved lost sister but i think it may have alleviated some of the issues that i and many others have with it, timing-wise.

the nancy/jonathan sidequest

once again, the idea of nancy going off on her own little mission to find justice for barb after s1 is like. amazing. genuinely i love that plot for her and i can’t imagine anything better for her to have focused on in s2. unfortunately though i think her and jonathan’s little trip to see murray was just kind of... lame. the whole thing just felt like an excuse to get the two of them alone together, yknow? which is fine i guess people contrive all sorts of situations to get characters alone together for romance reasons but in this case i think it just really doesn’t work for me because of what it’s juxtaposed with. like, will is POSSESSED, and jonathan is just off on a mini road trip and sleeping with his bestie, and jonathan never seems to communicate to joyce/will that he left town, and joyce never like... thinks to tell him that will is like sick and fucked up and they’re looking at him in the lab??? like it’s so weird i know joyce always forgets about jonathan when shit’s happening with will but jfc you’d think at some point in that like... 72-ish-hour period where jonathan was out of town she would have thought about him. like at least once. maybe i’m forgetting something and she mentioned him sometime and i missed it but even still, i hate the juxtaposition of nancy and jonathan just like cheers-ing at murray’s place and sleeping together and whatnot while everyone else is dealing with possession or trying to hunt down dart yknow? it feels really boring in comparison and i think it could have been done far better. like it was SO insanely easy for them to get into the lab and get an admission of guilt and escape with it!! i think it might have been a lot more engaging if maybe someone from the lab tailed them to murray’s place and they had to like lose the tail and race to get the recording out to as many news outlets as possible before they got caught, or something like that. the tension in their plotline is completely resolved in episode four!! episodes five and six are just them screwing around and addressing envelopes. while there were a lot of strong ideas in this plotline (i really enjoy nancy going out of her way to get justice, and the fact that they have to water down the story to make it believable), i just think the focus on nancy and jonathan getting together hindered it a lot without adding a ton to the plot or their individual characters.

season 3

strengths

starcourt mall as a setting

while i don’t think the mall was utilized quite to its full potential (something i could make a separate post about if anyone’s interested), i do think that starcourt was a genius addition to the series. i’ve said this before, but building a new mall is a literal Perfect in-universe justification for a significant leap forward in fashion and aesthetics, and it provides a great location for characters to just... be characters. idk how else to articulate this i just think that the mall is a great setting to let people interact with each other and to bring people together who may not have been otherwise (i.e. scoops troop). not to mention how sick it was to see the mall get wrecked toward the end kdjncdkm like they were able to do so much more with the mall in terms of like The Finale than they could with just the byers house or the cabin or the school or even the lab. i love all the back tunnels they run through it’s such a fun like acknowledgement of how this glitzy eighties mall is just a real place where employees get shipments and take out the trash and shit idk it’s all about the perfect facade and what’s hidden what’s underneath what’s hiding in plain sight etc etc i’m just saying words now. anyway. 

willingness to experiment and go against expectations

gay robin. neon aesthetics. giant fucking meat monster. i know some people hate both the neon and the meat monster but i personally think they were kind of amazing and like. yknow regardless of personal tastes i think it’s impossible to deny that s3 had a lot of incredible visuals, and they’re all visuals that just wouldn’t have been possible if the show were too afraid to stray from its s1 aesthetic. robin being canonically gay (and her resulting friendship with steve) and the season’s striking visuals are two things that most everyone (besides like homophobes skjncdknm) can agree were great, right? and they were both departures from where the show began and what we all expected!! so yeah i think while some of the experimentation in s3 wasn’t ideal it was also that experimentation that allowed for some of the season’s strongest elements to come about.

the hospital sequence (and the season’s action/horror scenes in general)

this one is fairly self-explanatory. while they may have underutilized the “body snatching” element of the season, the hospital sequence with nancy and jonathan fighting off their possessed bosses did an amazing job of building tension and creating a genuine sense of really intense and personal danger.

in general i think that s3 melded action and horror rather well, particularly in the sauna test, the hospital, and when the mindflayer busts through the roof of hop’s cabin. horror can come from many things, and in this case, st elicited horror largely from the feeling of helplessness, and it was really effective for me personally. i think it worked better for me than s1′s brand of horror because it doesn’t rely so much on a lack of knowledge or a sense of suspense that inevitable disappears upon a second viewing.

the body horror we got in s3 was also really fun! that’s it i just think all the blood and guts and slime were fun and i would like more of them. once again, the impacts of body horror are less dependent upon the viewer being in the dark or unsure as to what’s happening, and as such i think it tends to be a little more effective at eliciting reaction in the long term.

timing and mechanics of the battle of starcourt/finale

i think the battle of starcourt is just fucking awesome, and beyond that personal opinion, i think it’s the most high-stakes and intense finale of all three seasons, and this is for two main reasons! 1. el is out of commission, and 2. (almost) everyone is in the same cental location. this means that (almost) everyone is in danger all at once, and they are all working together at the same time to fight the same threat. s1/s2 have their groups more fragmented for the finales, and while i understand why in each case and i wouldn’t call either season’s finale necessarily weak, i do think the centralized nature of the s3 finale just Works on another level. in s1 and s2, large segments of the cast are already perfectly safe by the time el dispatches the primary threat. in s3, however, everybody save for dustin and erica is still in danger up until the last moment, and el is seemingly (you can def debate how much power she still had in her when she peeked into billy’s mind and whether the memory broke the mindflayer’s hold on him or if she was actually controlling him to some degree) completely vulnerable. this increases the tension and raises the stakes, making the finale a real crescendo to fortissimo as opposed to a series of little mezzo forte moments. i hope everyone reading this knows music idk how else to phrase that my brain is stupid.

emphasis on friendship and adolescence (but in a different way than s1/2)

this is definitely a controversial one but i think that s3 really did like... show a side of friendship that had been more or less unexplored thus far in the show. el and max were amazing, and i think it’s really nice that we got an opportunity to see the kids have some growing pains as well as see them support each other through Normal Adolescent Stuff like boyfriends and breakups instead of just like. death and trauma. this is maybe just a personal preference, but i think it can be really enlightening and provide a lot of depth when you get to see how characters respond to normal everyday conflict and not just how they respond to giant world-ending conflict!! letting el use her powers for goofy teenage shit like spying on boys and messing with mean girls at the mall is not only fun for her and the audience, but it also really emphasizes just how much those powers are a part of el, making it that much more devastating when she loses them at the end of the season. 

weaknesses

tonal dissonance

so this is like. obvious. but it must still be said! i won’t go on and on about it since we all know this so i’ll try to like talk about it from an angle people don’t usually? anyway. it seems to me like they were maybe a little worried about s3 being too dark. while the choice to really lean into humor was definitely driven by the sorts of eighties teen films from which s3 drew inspiration (like fast times at ridgemont high), i think it was also done in an attempt to alleviate the more troubling implications of some events in the season, particularly the russian bunker plot. like, yeah, st can be incredibly dark, but if they’d played the whole “children being stuck inside of a foreign military base, tied up, tortured, and drugged” thing completely straight without the humorous elements that exist in canon, it had the potential to be like... disturbing on a new level. steve and robin don’t have powers like el yknow their kidnapping/torture doesn’t have any sci-fi elements to sorta soften the blow. they’re just innocent teenagers being brutalized and traumatized by grown men. so anyway yeah i think maybe the writers were concerned about this storyline coming off as too dark and they wanted it to be a little more whimsical but they ended up pushing way too hard in that direction and creating extreme dissonance at times. this goes for joyce/hopper/murray/alexei too, but to a lesser extent. i think the ridiculousness in that group felt a lot more like... realistic. but still. 

newspaper plot

once again i feel like i don’t even need to say this skjdncmn we all know it was insane how the show basically ended up delivering the message “while misogyny is a serious problem poverty and classism are not” and i’ve said it on this blog a million times so i don’t need to repeat myself. i’ll focus on another weak point of this plot: the fact that it completely separates nancy and jonathan from everyone else. once again, the show’s preoccupation with j/ancy held them back! like... can you imagine a version of s3 where nancy and jonathan both worked in the mall? i have a lot of ideas about this possible au and like how the plot could play out differently if they worked in the mall but first of all it’s just more realistic, second of all it further utilizes the mall as a central setting, and third of all, it would bring everyone together. as it is in canon, nancy and jonathan were unnecessarily isolated from the rest of the group, and this isolation was detrimental to both of their characters. like, they only ever get to interact with each other! if they’d gotten summer jobs in the mall, they could have had more interactions with the kids/steve/robin, and they absolutely still could have had a similar argument! maybe in this case, nancy notices the rat thing (or something else odd) herself when taking out the trash behind the mall, and she wants jonathan to ditch work with her to check it out bc she thinks it may be related to the lab. jonathan doesn’t want to ditch work because he needs his job, nancy argues that they’re working shitty mall jobs anyway and who cares if they get fired, and we get more or less the same thing as s3 without the cartoonishly over-the-top misogyny. i mean honestly i think the rat shit could have been cut entirely it didn’t rly... accomplish much of anything. in my opinion. like imagine s3 without the rat plot you literally would not be missing anything except it would be more surprising when the dudes melted into goo at the hospital. so yeah i think it would have been better if nancy and jonathan had jobs at the mall, weren’t isolated from everybody else, and were maybe absorbed into the party’s plot or the scoops troop’s plot from very early on, allowing them to interact with more characters and have a less... dumb.... plot. like god splitting up nancy and jonathan between the party/scoops troop would have been So Much better i just. sdkjcnksdmn anyway yeah.

briefness of group reunion/separation of groups

remember in s2 at the beginning of “the gate,” where mike and hopper had a confrontation and max and el met for the first time and el hugged everyone and steve and nancy had their sad little moment together outside... where’s that energy? obviously the s2 reunion wasn’t that long either, but it made space for some significant emotional moments to take place. s3′s reunion had some hopper/el/mike resolution, but besides that... there was nothing, really. i just think that the whole group getting together in s3 was SO exciting and powerful the way they did it (with both the scoops troop and the adults having their own Big Moment reconnecting with team griswold family), but the emotional potential was more or less squandered. 

i also think in s3 at times they were really stretching to keep everybody separated even though it made no sense. and like... in s1 the separation worked bc nobody else knew that (x group) was experiencing weird shit too, and beyond that, each group (as i mentioned in the s1 section) was sort of operating within their own genre and bringing something unique to the season. they’ve stopped doing that though! now, the groups aren’t separate bc each plot is tonally/structurally different, the groups are just separate bc... they need to be, because it’s a big ensemble cast and you can’t just have them all be together for a whole season or it would be way too difficult to coordinate things and keep the show dynamic. all this is to say that i’m excited for s4 because the location differences make it so there’s a Reason for each plot to be separate at the beginning, and i think that’ll work better.

general ridiculousness

i dont mean like i think it’s bad that they made jokes this is just me lumping in all the dumb shit like hopper not worrying about el and not wanting to check on the kids, him and joyce bickering long after they both know they and their children are in danger, max seemingly forgetting that billy is a racist abuser, etc etc. i think many of these are just a symptom of the show 1. trying desperately to keep the groups split up a certain way even though it may not make any sense, and 2. trying to fit into a certain genre/trope mold when their actual characters are more complex than the tropes they’re imitating. this is so fucking long already i am not gonna elaborate further rn but i trust u all know what i mean.

soooo... yeah, that’s about all! i mean it’s not all there are definitely many more things i could talk about and i know i focused sorta disproportionately on the teens which is my bad :/ but i’m done for now. thank you for asking, and apologies for the delay in responding!! i’m sure some people reading (if anyone read this far) will disagree with some of what i’ve said and that’s alright like i’m not The Authority on st or anything i’m just trying to talk about like my own thoughts yknow? so yeah luv u all i hope someone enjoyed reading this!!

#asks #em talks #lesbianrobin.canon #stranger things #if u actually read all this i love u and im sorry #these r just my opinions!! and im sure i misremembered some shit my brain is swiss cheese #i did my best tho

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

[aragima]

hannibal questions! 🍖🔪

@nietzscheantrout @horrorlesbians and @hanniba1 wanted me to answer these hannibal questions and i wrote too much but oh well! thanks to all 3 of you ilu!!!

favorite episode and why: oh we’re just goin straight to the hard questions huh um OKAY so i think i can only do an ep a season - s1: SORBET SUPREMACY! you get to see the exact moment will looks at hannibal and thinks “.........shit. it’s him isn’t it. he’s The One. SHIT.” and that is so important to me - s2: this one is really hard maybe naka-choko? it’s so fucking gay and sexy. but tome-wan... but mizumono............ yeah idk - s3: torn between digestivo and the wrath of the lamb cuz they both hurt SOOO good much; i love will breaking up with hannibal and hannibal manipulating the situation so will can’t leave asldkjansk it’s so toxic we have to stan..... and for twotl i mean do i really have to give a reason every scene LIVES in my mind and it contains my favorite shot in the whole show:

that is LOVE baby! that is DESIRE! that is being ENTHRALLED!!!!

least favorite episode and why: i feel like they’re all so necessary that it’s kind of impossible to say but probably antipasto. i get sick of hannibal and bedelia’s shenanigans really quickly and as much as i hate to admit it... i miss will. i also think it was an extremely weak season opener and i blame it for getting the show canceled sjshshsgsg the resentment...

favorite side character: chiyoh or jimmy or actually wait— RANDALL TIER 🖤

if you could bring back one character who died, who would it be?: RANDALL FUCKING TIER. i want there to be a weird thing with him and hannibal and will going on. but also i love what his death did for will so idfk, other than him it’s gotta be beverly

dish prepared in the show that you would like to try eating/making: i was supposed to make hannibal’s osso bucco recipe like 3 weeks ago but it completely slipped my mind so i guess i’ll get on that my next grocery trip  

which side character would you kill off?: chilton just because for god’s sake just let the man DIE ALREADY poor guy <- i’m taking ava’s answer because YEAH

was there any scene that you didn’t like to look at?: nah. the skin ripping scenes at the beginning of either kaiseki or sakizuki (idk i don’t remember, i hardly watch s2a) are particularly brutal but i tough it out

biggest ship: i mean do i even have to say

why did you start watching hannibal?: my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and her dad were watching it as it was airing and i was like “oh cool hannibal lecter origin story” but due to inconsistent access to the episodes i would just watch it randomly and that is... not the way to watch hannibal. i gave up around the end of s2 but knew hannigram was It regardless. i decided to watch s3 for the first time earlier this year just to have finished it and was like HOLD UP and did an immediate rewatch that left me... well, how i am now

favorite hannibal fic if you’ve read any?:

oh boy. yall ready for this? all of these can be found on ao3 obviously (i’m so sorry this is so long but i guess i’ve been asked to put together a fic rec anyway)

as soft, as wide as air by blackknightsatellite, the ladders series by emungere, blackbird by emungere, consenting to dream series by emungere, taken for rubies by emungere, at first meeting by emungere, protect me from what i want by @alienfuckeronmain, god of the cold, cold wars by highermagic, the abyss smiled back by highermagic, pomegranate seeds by highermagic, absolute zero by highermagic, in the truly gruesome do we trust by sidnihoudini, TKO by sidnihoudini, oh dear by lunarwench, each according to its kind by chapparral_crown, a flood in our hearts by nanoochka, let me sinful be by darlingred, uncomplicated by stratumgermanitivum & youaremydesign, good bones by @damnslippyplanet​, like they do in babylon by @damnslippyplanet​, your obedient servant by kareliasweet, past our satellites by shotgunsinlace, only the tender meat by isagel, the shape of me will always be you by missdisoriental, a white-walled room by rodabonor, spleen et idéal by rodabonor, the paper doll series by rodabonor, a common point of interest by rodabonor [i do NOT like a/b/o stuff but if i did... it’s this fic], just thought you should know by earthsickwithoutyou, the sacrificial lamb by princesskay, transcendent suffering by itsbeautiful, not something polite by moistdrippings, leave your message after the tone by onewhositswithturtles, holes in the floor of the mind by feverdreamblood, crossing caina by feverdreamblood, the archipelago series by melusine10, but seas between us braid hae roar’d by kareliasweet

have you watched any of the hannibal films?: yeah all of them except manhunter! i grew up watching silence of the lambs because my mom loved it and i went thru a big edward norton phase as a teen so i’ve seen red dragon like 10 times

have you read the thomas harris books?: no and i’m not going to lmao #fakefan

favorite murder tableau: if we’re talking just hannibal’s- the judge. if we’re talking Murder Bad But Kinda Pretty like in general probably the mushroom people or the totem

favorite blood spill: will imagining hannibal while he beats randall to death or The Gutting of Will Graham

what’re some of your headcanons?: - will is good at shibari (backed up in canon: his fishing knots, the firefly man’s full body hishi karada harness) - hannibal rarely listens to modern, non-classical music but he’s a björk fan and he saw one of her chapel performances during the vespertine era and was Moved - will listens to classic rock (zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd) with some classic country (patsy, merle, johnny) and blues (billie, muddy, bessie) thrown in. he’s also a sucker for early/mid-90s college rock/alternative/grunge - will plays the piano (because of the piano in his living room) and the harmonica (because he’s country white trash); he’s kind of shit tho - hannibal fell for will somewhere between “my thoughts are often not tasty” and “you won’t like me when i’m psychoanalyzed” (love at first sight! at last sight! at ever and ever sight!!!) - will’s circumcised, hannibal isn’t 🤪 - hannibal’s a gemini!!!! adaptable, creative, intelligent, outgoing, impulsive, etc - will’s an aquarius!!!!! analytical, a loner, temperamental, unique, compassionate, etc - will’s mom was jewish go read my fic about it https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774326 - hannibal is an agender man (tbh i think of this as canon, it’s just unstated/undefined) - hannibal can speak russian, spanish, and a teensy bit of portuguese in addition to the other languages we know he speaks (lithuanian, english, french, italian, japanese) - will speaks limited amounts of french; he learned it as a kid in louisiana - ED TW will sometimes has a Difficult relationship with food due to food instability by the way of poverty as a kid and goes through periods where it’s hard to keep himself fed, but hannibal is so good for him in that way because he keeps him from going hungry 😓 (yes this is me projecting but also it makes SENSE) - hannibal typically bottoms but THEY DEFINITELY ARE BOTH VERS and will never stops being surprised by how much he loves catching a dick. every time is like religious experience. okay? okay - they’re also both very kinky and switches but tbh.... will was made to Dom hannibal like that’s the reason he exists he could drag that old bitch around by a leash and hannibal would be in heaven HANNIBAL WOULD CALL HIM SIR - the first time they have sex hannibal comes like immediately but he isn’t embarrassed because he’s hannibal fucking lecter and hannibal lecter doesn’t get embarrassed - i have a hc for their favorite sex positions but i’m not gonna put that here because i don’t want yall calling me crazy any more than you probably already do but if you wanna know just DM me all i do is think about them fucking it’s a curse - okay no more dirty stuff abigail called hannibal “dad” on more than one occasion and it was half-joking but it also felt comfortable to her; she never thought to call will “dad” because he’s a weirdo and never knew her as much as he knew his idea of her - hannibal taught her to play piano at the cliff house - beverly is pansexual!!! - brian and jimmy kissed one time when they were drunk and they NEVER talk about it EVER - chiyoh is straight probably. i know, i know, everyone says she’s a lesbian and if she’s a lesbian to you that’s awesome! she’s a lesbian! but idk i just think she’s SO fucking straight and tbh i mourn bc that’s my wife. she could MAYBE be bicurious... - chiyoh is non-monogamous and doesn’t do serious relationships, she doesn’t like the idea of being tied to one person ever since she left the lecter castle - she helped hannibal and will escape after The Fall; she told hannibal she would continue to watch over him and i think she did, she got them a boat and got them the fuck out of there - MOLLY IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT WILL. SHE’S SO GLAD SHE GOT OUT OF THAT WHEN SHE DID. she has a good, long talk with alana and finds out all the shit about him and hannibal that will never told her (and it was a lot), gets drunk and burns all his shit, and then washes her hands of the whole thing; moves to a different state, gets a girlfriend, and never thinks about will again

okay i’m capping it there or i’m never gonna stop!! i’m not tagging anyone cuz i think everyone has done this by now lmao but if you’re a mutual who hasn’t and you want to just do it and say i tagged you!! mwah!!!!

#blood #long post #hannigram fic rec #hc

[asterekmess]

S3A - E4

Alrighty, here we go. Maybe I’ll get a little less fired up this time.

Be Kind, Read More’s (I’m bad at puns or jokes.)

Thoughts:

So, I get that they’re trying to amp up Scott becoming an Alpha or whatever, but I just really hate the concept of dogs needing to know “who the alpha is.” It’s a really harmful myth that leads to a lot of frustration for owners and a lot of fear for their dogs. I actually recommend anyone with a dog, or thinking of getting a dog to look at this video to understand how huge a myth that whole Dominance thing is. He explains it better than I ever could. That also doesn’t work in the show, since we know that all werewolves have sway over dogs. Derek does it like a fucking pro in S1 (Yeah, he scares the dogs, but it’s entirely controlled. The dog didn’t freak until he wanted it to.)

Woooow, Scott actually working at his job? That’s new!

Deaton, mistletoe is poisonous to anyone. Wtf are you on about “to the dog, and you too.” literally everyone is poisoned by mistletoe.

Is this a reference to a movie or something? IT’s so fucking creepy and gross, him sticking his hand under the dumpster and getting bit. And what’s with the whispering??? JENNIFER did you bite someone? WTF? Also, he literally can’t get any closer, dumbass. He’s on his knees right up against the dumpster.

I hate this woman. This show I think has a lot of issues with actual foreshadowing and making villains appear earlier in the show. Like, they knew Jennifer was going to be the villain. So what was all this extra shit? All the random clips of her grading papers and getting spooked walking down the halls of the school. She’s literally committing murder every single night and is far scarier than even werewolves, even without the extra powers. Showing us this stuff directly contradicts her being the villain. I can’t tell if they thought we as an audience were too smart and we’d figure out she was the villain, so they had to cover their tracks extra hard bc we all know that plot twists should only ever happen when it makes no sense, or if they thought we were too dumb to notice that they didn’t put any effort into her character until she starts being actively creepy.

I hate this. I hate all of it. I’m disgusted and nauseous just fucking watching this, knowing that Derek isn’t fucking choosing to do any of this. He’s literally under a spell that’s making him worry about her, because she wants an Alpha guard dog.

I’m also gonna point out that since the show hadn’t told us that Derek was being controlled yet, they were trying to show Derek being interested in Jennifer and trying to make Jennifer someone Derek would be interested in. In order to do that, they made her jumpy, suspicious, anxious, and over-talkative. And crazy smart. With brown hair. Just saying.

The Crucible? Dude, you started the class on The Heart of Darkness literally last Wednesday. Chapters 1-3 weren’t due till last Friday. Why can’t this show fucking make up its mind?

Aannnnd here we go. Love watching Scott laugh about something that he knows Stiles is absolutely terrified by, seeing as Heather DIED. God, if you want Scott to look funny, can you not make him make jokes about something that’s getting people killed and traumatizing his best friend? Jesus.

I...I feel the need to point out that Stiles jumped exactly the same way Jennifer did like two seconds ago....just saying.

Honestly, I like that this Danny did this, not just to fuck with Stiles (in a non-sexy way) but also to try and subtly point out that he can hear them talking about virgin sacrifices. Maybe keep it down boys?

As much as I hate this shaky camera, slow-mo to fast-mo stuff, it’s still so much better than the CGI/Green Screen. Just, so much.

Boys, stop sticking your tongues out while running, you’re gonna bite them off and that shit doesn’t grow back. Also, I wanna give Isaac props here for managing to keep up with Alphas. Speedy Boi. AND, did you notice the look on his face before he ran after them? TOTALLY different from the look on his face before he attacked Cora in the woods. Not play time, kill time.

Those are...those are also not wolf sounds. At least I know Cora wasn’t a sexist thing? Seriously, wolves sound terrifying enough on their own, no need to add in the lion--wait didn’t I read that they don’t use lions roars most of the time, they use tigers instead? Whatever. NO need for the cat noises. I get it for the actual roaring stuff, but the snarls can be wolfy, can’t they?

How long did they have to stand there waiting for the cops to arrive? THe whole class is just standing around in a crowd? You know, I’d believe it, honestly I don’t think Finstock would think to make them go back to the school. He’s not great at the adulting thing.

How--How did Kyle’s girlfriend know? She’s not on the track team, is she?

I hate this whole “He’s got a point” thing. Stiles admitted that he agreed the Alphas were connected somehow but his reasoning is perfectly sound. Are you seriously telling me that Scott didn’t talk to Deaton about this? We can assume he did, because it’s Scott and he tells Deaton Everything. But that means Deaton DIDN’T tell him what he knew, openly lying to him. And none of that should matter anyway, because Stiles is Scott’s best friend. It is not too much to ask for him to just believe Stiles. In fact, it’s pretty fucking basic friendship stuff.

ALSO I hate that Isaac appears to give zero fucks about Erica. “They killed that kid, they killed the girl that saved me” But no mention of Erica? Or of how they imprisoned erica and boyd for four months? No mention of his own pack members? Seriously?

Hi cora. Hi derek. I really really wish you were going to be a reprieve from the bullshit of the rest of the episode so far, but instead you’re going to break my heart by refusing to give me even the slightest hint at Derek and Cora giving any kind of fucks about each other and finding out that the sibling they thought was dead is not dead. Nothing. We get absolutely Nothing. I don’t even get to see where the FUCK Cora got the exercise clothes from? Did they go shopping? did they go find her bag of clothes that got left in a building somewhere when she was taken? Huh? SOMETHING?

I’m just so...disappointed, and it’s definitely not directed at Derek.

Also, Derek, your alarm sucks ass if it only tells you that someone’s at your place once they’re outside the door.

I’m gonna be honest, Derek does need to work on his ranged combat. He’s all about the up close and personal, our boy needs a quarterstaff or something. Maybe a bat?

Sup duke? I hate your guts.

Sup Harris? I hate your guts too.

I don’t--I don’t even wanna talk about this scene with the twins. I just...what the absolute fuck? Those kids need so much therapy. I just feel ill. Also stop with the making werewolves masochists for some reason! Stop it! It’s boring and dumb!

I literally refuse to believe any of that had plot relevance. I think the twins are just being assholes for the fun of it. That is so convoluted in so many ways.

Other than the really really overdone British villain trope thing, I literally have nothing to say about this scene. Other than, you know, the part where Derek outright refuses to kill his pack even with a fucking PIPE through his CHEST, yet somehow we’re meant to believe that he wanted to kill them on the full moon even when he had no proof that they’d hurt anyone? Love that logic. Yah. Uh huh. Side note: why do I even like this show? Side Side note: It’s cus’ Derek and Stiles and Cora and Isaac and Boyd and Erica and Lydia are all fucking awesome. Honestly, Allison too. And Danny. And Jackson. And Kira when she comes in. Even Malia has potential

Isaac, honey, you have claustrophobia and that’s a legitimate medical concern that Harris would need to make adjustments for.

HI BOYD. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD. Thanks for stabbing me in the heart with that friend comment. My everything hurts now. I love you. Also, bye, cus’ you don’t come back for the entire rest of the episode. awesome.

Is it even remotely okay for the school to make students handle chemicals and fuck with the janitor’s stuff/do custodial work? Like, detention is detention and the school/Harris has no business using the students for free labor.

Fucking pathetic. I hate this stupid Alpha command thing. I hate this whole plotline and no I’m NOT going to stop complaining about it any time soon. It’s stupid as fuck.

Stiles how do you expect Lydia to know about this shit when no one fucking talks to her except you??? SEE? YOU SEE? THAT is how you use humor in a tense situation!

Lydia, Stiles is human.

Please stop with the sexual tension, it’s pissing me off. Allison fired over a dozen arrows into Erica and Boyd, then help her grandfather kidnap and torture them and sliced Isaac to ribbons. I’m not done being mad at her, and Isaac Damn Well shouldn’t be either.

Okay WHAT? Since when is English the last class of the day? It was their first class an episode ago! What the fuck are you talking about? and WHY are you writing “Great Expectations” on the board!!???? Even if The Crucible was for a different class you’re STILL ON HEART OF DARKNESS.

I just-I get that they’re teenagers, but that’s seriously the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen and even though Allison’s still pretty high on my shit list at the mo, she’s way too smart not to know that this is stupid as fuck. Just because the Alphas are being stupid doesn’t mean you PISS THEM OFF. Nothing you just did HELPED at ALL. You didn’t Hinder them or Weaken them or ANYTHING. You just played a stupid ass prank???

So...Stiles has a free period in the last period of the day? When no one else does? Yet somehow he’s in all their classes AND we SAW him AND LYDIA in Scott and Allison’s English class? ALSO the twins are Miraculously now in the English class as well, even though they weren’t there on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL??? WHat the FUCK This is a show about HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS and you can’t be fucked to actually get their stupid fucking Schedule right? The same with the full moon. The two things that should always be consistent are the FULL MOONS for the WEREWOLVES and the SCHOOL SCHEDULE for the STUDENTS. You spend hours of episode planning time on making outfits and references to horror movies, but you can’t get A SIMPLE FUCKING TIMELINE right?

I know Stiles hasn’t talked to Deaton all that much so far in the show, but this is a really weirdly long introduction to him asking Deaton for info, when I honestly expected him to just push in and say, “HEY, so how about those human sacrifices, huh? You keeping something from us again?”

I hate them cutting up these scenes so much. Derek’s effectively been pinned to the ground for an entire school day at this point.

Actually, this little speech of Duke’s is where I got a huge headcanon for the show about how truly monstrous Duke and the rest of the Alphas are. He says he didn’t know that killing your own Beta adds their power to yours. But, shouldn’t that be like a really well known thing in this werewolf world of horrific murders and “Rite of passage, into his pack” mentality that the show seems insistent on showing us? Instead, I think that Duke is actually like he says he is. The Demon Wolf. He’s a fucking demon and all werewolves know it, because he and his pack are disgusting and twisted enough to kill their own pack. I firmly believe, beyond all reason because fuck this show, that Alphas have a biological imperative to protect their pack, to keep them safe and happy and provide for them. That the reason no Alphas really knew about what happens when you kill your own Beta is because no one ever would. It’s the most taboo, horrific thing a werewolf can do, harming their own pack. Their own family.

STOP TOUCHING PEOPLE’s FACES. ESPECIALLY DEREK’S.

I love Derek’s line so much. “You’re a fanatic.” Like. Yes. Completely shutting him down. That was so good.

Also, Duke. you literally just said “You’ll get to know me.” and now you’re mad because “Know me? You’ve never seen anything like me.” I wish someone would just pick him up by the scruff and toss him out a window.

What’s with the sudden lightning? and why is the thunder happening at the same time?

I have literally had the fifteen minute rule held over my head so many times. We once got locked outside our orchestra room for fifteen-minutes and one of the secretaries from the front office had to let us in, and then they had to send us a sub teacher because ours was sick but even though she called in, they’d hadn’t bothered to call the sub yet. the fifteen minute rule doesn’t exist, and I wish so fucking badly that it did. PLUS. I thought School was OVER????

Stiles, you should know better. The Celts were accused of human sacrifice by the Romans, who were trying to demonize them and take over their land. (which is pointless, since the Romans participated in tons of human sacrifice, even if they didn’t explicitly call it that. Anybody heard of the fucking Colosseum?) Plus, there isn’t any actual evidence that isn’t from extremely biased Latin texts that indicates the Celts performing human sacrifices as religious rites. You’re right though, cus’ the show does pull a lot from the concept of Celtic Druids. It just does it horrifically badly and completely misconstrues them by using the modern myth of the druids rather than the historical reality of them. I was a classics major, with an obsession on Druidic practices. Fight me about it.

Thank you Stiles, for calling Deaton out. Also, what does Deaton mean ten years? He was the Hale emissary six years ago. Jesus christ, this isn’t hard.

I hate to say it, but that is correct, Deaton. Druids were philosphers and scholars. That’s because Druid was a SOCIAL CLASS not a JOB. They didn’t believe they were “keeping the world in balance’ but they believed the world was MADE UP of balances. The Celts didn’t believe in letting people die for the sake of “maintaining the balance.” Their social structure was based on equality between the sexes and community ownership (a bit like socialism, it’s actually why the Romans hated them so much, they represented the exact opposite of Roman Ideals of hierarchy and private ownership with the male head of family in charge) But I digress. My bad.

Cue the dropbox ad

So what’s with the chanting? There wasn’t chanting when Heather was taken? Or Emily? Is the method of abduction supposed to be different for every group?

Ooooh, Dell school computers. Did they lose their Mac contract?

Oh Look! It’s the consequences of your actions!

They have so much time to react and do something to keep the boys from merging while they’re busy taking their dumb shirts off.

For the record, Druid is not the gaelic word for “wise oak”. It’s generally accepted to mean “oaken knowledge” or, less literally, “the one whose knowledge is great” (since oak was considered to signify greatness). But those are just semantics and I’m not as bothered by it. I’m MORE bothered by the use of the word “Darach” which does NOT mean Dark oak. “ach” is an Irish suffix meaning “Belonging to” and Darach is an NAME, as in like Emily or Janice, it’s a Name not a title. One that means “belonging to the oak” (actually, it’s masculine, so it would mean “Son of oak”). Scottish Gaelic and Irish are still real languages and you mistranslating things and taking words from their already incredibly oppressed and abused culture is really fucking annoying. So, uh. yeah. Listen, this is one of my few areas where I know anything so I had to complain about it. I get that it’s just a show. I really do. But it’s my post, so meh. Also, you bet your ass I have opinions on the concept of a Nemeton as well. But that’s not for now.

I find it kinda hilarious that none of the names on those papers had last names. Tom. Terry. Tim P. almost has a last name.

and now we break my fucking heart. Actually, first I wanna give this show some props for once. The music they use for this season is very drum based, very repetitive, and it really helps with the ritualistic vibe they seem to be going for. The chanting, etc. I worry about what they pulled that stuff from, cus’ if it’s from actual religions that’s fucking dicey, but the atmosphere is good.

NOW we break my fucking heart. Fucking fuck. It hurts, especially knowing that Isaac already had one flashback today. And then they have to go and add anger to my turmoil by having him go to SCOTT. Fuck scott. I fucking hate this.

Bye Harris. No, wait, I have questions. So Harris helped Jennifer somehow. By...what, helping her fake her identity? Was he her reference for getting the job at the school? Or did he help her with the killings, by finding her students/teachers who fit the bill? When he says “They’ll figure you out” is he talking about the cops or the wolves? Does he know about the supernatural? If he does, does that mean that he knew who Kate was when she found him in that bar? Bye Harris.

Last Thoughts: I’ll give this episode props. It had sunlight in it. Uh...I honestly can’t think of anything else I enjoyed. This shit, this shit is why people write fanfiction. These mistakes with the timeline and the schedule and the character’s whose personalities flip back and forth at random? The refusal to acknowledge trauma and deal with it appropriately? I honestly don’t even know how to feel about the show selling this Derek/Jennifer romance to us and then revealing at the end that he was under a literal spell the whole time. That he had sex with her while under the influence of her magic. That these oh so brief moments where we actually get to see Derek smiling and joking and see a hint at his personality and his intelligence and maybe even his past, they’re all forced on him. It’s all a trick. He has sex with her while he’s incapable of giving consent. It’s fucking rape, shown on-screen. And the show portrayed this as romantic, for the sake of their stupid fucking plot twist. We were encouraged to like this relationship because we didn’t know he was being Controlled. Ugh. Bleh. Plus there’s the whole thing where once again Stiles is being ignored and Lydia has no clue what’s going on, and Deaton is hiding things from everyone and Boyd is barely a character. And Allison’s behavior is never dealt with, and Scott is just...Scott. This is why I make changes.

#personal #rape: tw #anti-scott mccall #TeenWolf-Rewatch

[bscully]

I see a lot of people praise caska for being an amazing female character but I kinda feel like she’s written like a bad joke about women (looses battle because period, too emotional, told her role is to comfort guts, etc...) she doesn’t get much time to really shine as a fighter either bc she’s constantly being saved of course I love her and will always defend her but do u think she’s actually written well as a girl? I feel like I’d be lying if I praised her for it

Hello and thanks for the ask!

No offense but I mean…

Let’s put it into perspective. There is a reason why Casca during the Golden Age was written the way she was, and I don’t think it’s necessarily bad writing. Some (questionable) views about women were expressed that way, but I’d like to think that’s more because of the time the Golden Age was written in, rather than because of malicious intent.

During the Black Swordsman Arc we were shown how Guts handled those who were weak: He absolutely detested them.

During the Golden Age we were shown how he dealt with other’s weakness (Casca’s) and also *why* he hated the weak during his Black Swordsman Arc days: During the Eclipse, the Hawks all died because they were weak, and Casca was violated and lost her mind because she could not defend herself either. (The irony of this is that both of these things all happened because of his best efforts to save Griffith, boyo was too distracted)

Black Swordsman Arc

Guts generally was very contempt towards those he considered weak, and also especially towards other men, e.g. Vargas whom he just let die. Another time someone weaker than him died, it was the priests’ daughter, who was slaughtered by evil spirits. He also felt remorse killing her possessed body, even then and also vomits later on (he always vomits when he hurts a child or girl, see Adonis, see killing the fire children in the lost children chapters). In the page below, bottom panel, you can see white sprinkles which I believe are tears.

He then goes on to say how he cannot bother to crush ants below his feet when he walks. That was his way of dealing with the sadness, getting someone who is weaker than him killed because of him. His love-hate relationship to weaker people was also shown to us by his interactions with Theresia: in some way, he did save her here from falling off the ruins. But she had to hold onto a sharp blade so she wouldn’t fall.

Guts was hurting someone who he would love to protect, and he also hated himself for it. He made Theresia go down the very same path like he did because revenge is the only way to give her something to hold onto after losing everything.

It reminded of his own suffering, losing the Hawks and Casca. At least, this is the conclusion I made when I read the Golden Age and then look back to the Black Swordsman arc.

Golden Age

When Casca was later introduced during the Golden age, IMO Kentaro Miura wanted to show us how Guts usually treated people. As it turns out, Guts does want to protect and make sure people are safe. He also listens to them trying his best to meet their expectations. In other words, he was not always an asshole. In regards to other people’s weaknesses, his treatment of Casca was still rough in the beginning, but at the very least imo, well-intentioned.

Now you can critique Miura for his display of Casca’s womanhood. I am personally not particularly bothered by it, especially if this situation is a set up for romance in the first place. Of course the protagonist is going to take note of another character’s feminity if the author plans to hook them up. Guts was confronted with Casca’s female problems (periods) and what we were shown is that Guts, while he may have had his preconceptions about women too, still is understanding of their struggles AND their weakness.

Like… he first gets upset at Casca, but then acknowledges that she doesn’t have it easy, dealing with her own problems and emotions at times (Casca is a VERY emotional personality, too, but usually she has more self-control than this).

If anything, this bit right here displays Guts’ willingness to change his mind, his capacity to understand others and also help them in the process. Empathy, compassion, y’know? Something he lacked during the Black Swordsman Arc (this here happens right before Vargas is being beheaded):

That being said, I don’t think Miura actually thought that women being emotional is a negative thing when he wrote this, but he may have been affected by negative (cultural?) bias.

In the face of that weakness, Guts tries to help Casca out where he can and be supportive of her, e.g. by protecting her from Adon and his men - the 100 Man slayer scene was basically Guts protecting Casca’s womanhood from thirsty mercenaries, while she COULD NOT defend herself as effective because of her state (and he does that DESPITE of Casca throwing a knife at him earlier). This theme also repeats during the Eclipse, however, here he could do nothing but watch in his own helplessness.

Also let it be said that Miura’s potrayal of Casca’s period isn’t too far off, because periods CAN knock you the fuck out like that. My last one was absolutely devastating and I wouldn’t have survived without taking pain meds. So can periods affect your capacity to fight? Yes, they definitely can. You also gotta consider that Miura is male, and males *usually* do not know the effects of periods in detail unless they confronted themselves with it; also consider the Golden Age was written in the 90s, so that topic wasn’t prevalent for men at all.

Contrast & Comparison as writing tool

Miura also set up a nice contrast by adding in a particularly sexist character: of course I’m talking about Adon.

Adon calls Guts a fool for protecting someone at the cost of his own well-being, and the way he talks it’s like saving multiple women and exploit them is normal and acceptable.

But: Guts is literally taking multiple arrow shots for Casca and does not ask for anything in return. (It’s also interesting to note that through Adon’s mockery Casca realizes what Guts is doing for her) Now, you could argue that Guts is still a sexist asshole, however, at least in comparison to Adon, Guts still appears like the good guy  You can critique the ideas about women, how their prejudices and problems they struggle with are depicted, yes, and imo it is valid critique, too. But creating comparisons by showing how differently the characters act or think in the same scene is still an effective way of story-telling.

What Miura later did with other female characters, like Farnese or Schierke, was to “mature up” his writing. His tools however, stayed the same.

More examples comes to mind:

Guts leaving the Hawks

When Guts leaves the hawks, Griffith, Guts, Casca and Judeau all hold monologues, depicting how differently they think. While Casca and Rickert view  the Hawks as family, Judeau still considers them a mercenary band, and Griffith treats his subordinate Guts like a possession and has no inhibition to kill him if it meant he would either not leave or not join another faction and potentially become his enemy. I wrote about this in more detail here on my website

Conviction Arc Farnese

The contrasting happens again when Miura makes Guts meet Farnese for the first time. He was captured by the Holy Iron Chain Knights.

Farnese treated Guts pretty badly: she whipped him out in a desperate attempt to assure dominance, then threw him outside into the cold so he would eventually freeze to death.

When Guts takes HER hostage, they switch roles. Surely, he is being rough to her, but at the same time, is saving her multiple times, e.g. from falling to death or evil spirits.

This is the same writing tool used, just filled with different ideas. Miura’s writing itself hasn’t changed.

Casca is not powerless

Also Casca indeed is capable of defending herself. She is NOT always being saved. Even when being pursued after escaping from the 100 Man Slayer Scene, she gave the pursuing mercenaries a hard time, e.g. ramming a branch into one of the merc’s eyes. In that scene, it didn’t look like Casca was losing, she just got herself out of a dangerous situation and leaps to grab her sword! Only THEN we see how a volley of arrows interrupts the fight.  Does this look like a Casca to you that is about to lose? It doesn’t to me. She could have easily defeated the other two pursuers all by herself.

Casca, NOT GUTS, later defeated Adon all by herself and she was at a disadvantage too (think the poison dart).

Even during the Eclipse she dealt the final blow to take down the apostle that killed Judeau. She is not being depicted as powerless at all. She always seems at a disadvantage, struggling against all odds, and *still* is victorious. Guts acknowledges the strength it takes for her to do what she does, and that’s why Guts is helping her as much as he can.

Now you could STILL say “omg but that’s still sexist”, but eh. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging someone else’s struggle, celebrating them for pulling through despite of all the obstacles, and also willing to help out, but I’ll keep that politics stuff for another post. Stuff like this can go wrong yes, but in either case and as far as I am concerned, Guts is not trying to be patronizing or strip her off her independence in any way.

However, Casca’s strength does have limits and her full strength was not shown to us either, but I’d like to think that’s mostly because she is more a side-character and didn’t have much chance to shine during the Golden Age. I really really hope that will change with future chapters.

TL;DR Just because an author expresses outdated ideas or ideas you disagree with, does not mean it’s bad writing.

#berserk #casca #guts #golden age #ask #analysis #Anonymous

[ziracona]

What has been your favorite ilm chapter to write? Your least favorite? Do you have any interesting fun facts that were in cut pieces? I love this fic and the research put in is astounding. You put so much love into this. I'm glad to have been a reader :)

Thank you so much for asking this, and I’m really happy you have liked it! : ) Researching all kinds of wild stuff has been one of the most fun parts. (I’m holding the start of the answer to each question you asked, bc I talked about the first one for a while lol).

I do have a favourite chapter! I think to read, it would be a lot harder question, and there’d be a bunch of chapters tied, but as an author, my favourite chapter is most definitely Speak for the Dead. I have a lot of favourite moments and chapters, but that’s the one I’m most proud of. There’s a really rare thing in writing I call “script perfection,” which is not like, a perfect script in comparison to other scripts, it just means the version of the script that got shot/published was the best version of that particular script there ever could have been. It’s incredibly rare, and very hard to do. Even with films and shows I love, usually there will be seconds, sometimes minutes, off and on, that are the best version of those seconds there could have ever been. And the rest of it is great! It’s maybe the second or third or eighth-best it could have been, and that’s still super impressive--like man--eigth-best is still so close to 1st, eigth best is freaking phenomenal. It’s something to be really proud of. But that’s as high as it almost ever gets. For anything. Only extremely rarely is an entire script at 96% or above on script perfection. (I would say for reference that Galaxy Quest and The Incredibles are two such films).

It isn’t the most important part of a script or a story at all. Not by a huge amount. The quality of the story itself is. I have plenty of films that never hit 90% or above script perfection that I still prefer over films that did (like, Galaxy Quest is an amazing film, and I’m in awe that it hit that level of refinement, but I still like The Two Towers, which definitely did not, better. Because Sam’s speech at the end of it is enough to power me for a whole year). But it’s still such a rare thing. And god, it’s hard. Any kind of media is done on some kind of budget (be it financial or energy or both), and time constraint, and also it’s just not easy to do. Again, true-final-draft achievement (which is probably a better name for this bc it’s less confusing) is far from the most important or valuable aspect of a film, or play, or book, and it’s not necessary to make a story amazing. But it’s still always /so/ cool to see. It’s cool to see a nine minute continuous stretch of it even, on screen. And out of all the chapters I’ve written, the only one I think hit true-final-draft at least 96% or above, was Speak for the Dead. And that’s not embarrassing or anything. It’s wild. And I’m super proud of that. I’m proud I got even one. Because a lot of even my favourite books don’t. They just have perfected scenes, and a lot of them, but are not the best draft they could have been. Which does absolutely nothing to negate their worth as phenomenal books, but. I’m really, really proud of Speak for the Dead, and very happy with myself for having been able to do that at least once. I kind of treasure that.

It’s also a special chapter to me, because I had it only very loosely outlined/planned for at all, and it kind of came together on its own, and everything just came together and fell into place just right, and this chapter I had been really unsure of before starting turned into my favourite one in the entire fic. I like what I write, and I enjoy reading it myself, but there’s a line in Speak for the Dead where Tapp is trying to explain everything to Meg, about himself and his past and his family, and he’s been going through this like, awful mass of confusion and trauma and guilt and regret that’s all come to a head in this one day, and he’s found out who Amanda is and can’t deal with that and the person he knew, and the way Sing died, the choices she went on to make, and there’s so much even he doesn’t understand about how the world is falling apart around him, but somehow he figures it out enough to say it to Meg. And he has a line: “You’re supposed to stay late and work the extra eight hours overnight to catch the killer so somebody doesn’t die; you’re not supposed to go home to your family and give your kid a hug. It’s not as important, in an equation. It was my responsibility. And I didn’t get that the other job had its own set of rules. That the cop’s supposed to let the bus with his partner fall, but the dad’s supposed to let the fifteen people go and save his kid—he’s supposed to go running through crowded subway tunnels chased by gunmen, consequences be damned, to get them away from where his kid’s hiding. I didn’t get it. I don’t know why. I loved him right, but I didn’t act like it, because I thought I was doing the right thing. But if everybody’s just numbers, you lose anything that matters, no matter how high the numbers go up. And you don’t realize until it’s way too late that you do just as much good really helping one person you signed on to protect as you could have ever done bouncing off the lives of a hundred people who go on to be the next Jigsaw.”

And like. I fucking love that line. God. It’s such a hard thing to articulate, what he’s going through in that moment, and I try, but I think I often don’t do as good a job. But every time I read that last line it’s like a gut punch. And I really love it. How the fuck could you possibly feel after going through the experience he’s just had? It’s such a specific, indescribable kind of big, whole-world-view devestating.

There’s also a lot of really sweet moments with Meg, and Adam drugged and injured but trying really hard to help, and it’s a super understated chapter in a lot of the moments? Tapp’s one of my favourites to write, because of the way he thinks. He tries so hard to be lawful good in a world where there’s just no law at all anymore. And he’s older by far than anyone else, and thinks about the world that way. Honestly, it’s one of the most serious chapters. It’s less graphic than say Proven or The End of the Line, but it deals with some very not remotely fantastic and not pretty themes. It’s heavy. But I like the way it tells itself. I enjoy working in references when they make things fun, or better, or more meaningful, and I got to do that a lot. Plus, it gave Ace and Tapp a bunch of one-on-one time they didn’t really get on-screen as much in any of the rest of the fic, but I really loved it. The way they try to look after the people they care for, and how they understand each other. I just really fucking loved that chapter. Also, Tapp beat someone to death with a reverse bear trap that was still attached to his head so he could save Meg from dying in a way that would be super lastingly traumatic, and if that’s not the most metal thing I’ve ever heard? I really love Tapp. And I love that he sticks to the things he does. Meg never learns what Amanda was going to do to her, not in fic, not after. And Tapp does change how he does things are talking to Meg at the end of that chapter. Tapp’s the one who immediately says they can’t go public with any information on Rin until she’s passed on, even though it could really help them prove their case and hypothetically better protect the world, because he’s not willing to see a kid forced to revert to being violent and feral against her will in self-defense, or locked up in a government black site to get that. He did good. Life has not been kind to this poor man, but thankfully, Meg Thomas has.

Least favourite? Way harder. Hmmm. Always whichever one I wrote most recently 😂

In complete seriousness, I don’t think I have one? I have like 6 I consider “slightly-less-interesting” than the rest, but I don’t have one I hate period, or just dislike a lot. Uhhhh. If I had to pick one right now, I’d say Core Essentials, because I haven’t read it in over a year and don’t remember it as well as many others, and of the small number of chapters in the “Damn, been a hot minute, huh?” group, it’s the one I remember the least. This rating may change next time I actually read it, lol.

Hmmm. Interesting fun facts in cut segments. In the original draft for Shrouded, Claudette went into Philip’s basement and got a really good look at the other side of the wall, through one of the cracks, and saw the Entity and almost gave herself a panic attack. The other side of the basement wall was described as looking like the sun, like just looking at light, but only at first, and then there was movement like a snake coiling or some huge creatuer deep underwater sliding across your vision, too big to see, but alive in there in the middle of the light, and moving around, and it horrified her. It was extremely creepy but pretty cool.

The original draft for The Wraith included Philip experiencing fragmented audio memories from Signifying Nothing/his time with Vigo & co. while he was mostly unconscious. It was really cool and I forgot because I haven’t read it in forever, but it hinted at /way/ more of the plot to those past events. I really liked the draft, but ended up changing it into what was published because I’d never done anything with his memories before, and I didn’t want to disorient the reader too much (probably a good call, but it was still a neat scene in the OG form).

It’s not in the fic, but canonically, after leaving the survivors camp at the end of The Wraith, Philip came up with his plan to leave himself a message in the bell, and then called the Entity. Trying to talk his way out immediately failed, and it was shitty to him and pissed him off, and Philip had considered what might work on something like the Entity before calling it, and knew he was dead either way, so he tried to fight it. More to see if it would work than anything. He knew he would forget it even if he did, but sometimes impulses lingered, and it was possible if it worked, it would help him think of it again. He used his blood and drew a protective symbol against demons on his palm without it noticing, then rushed it, and it wasn’t scared of him so it didn’t give a fuck, but he smacked it with the charm and that actually succeeded in burning its talon (very little, but enough to cause it actual pain) and it flipped out and got extremely angry, and immediately stabbed him through the skull, which is why he returned with that chunk of his mask gone and has a scar on his forehead now. Originally, I was considering writing some of the events between The Wraith and Dawn from Philip’s POV, but decided it was much better sticking with the survivors and their uncertainty completely. Got to live in the anxiety baybeeee.

I’m sure there’s more but you activated my trap card asking about Speak for the Dead - a special interest- and I already made this long, so I should stop for now. Thank you again so much for asking! I hope my answers made sense are we’re at least kinda enjoyable to read. 💙💙💙

#ask #anonymous #in living memory #in living memory (fic) #writing #ilm spoilers #this was so fun and im glad i had an excuse to go writing meta haha. the one part of college i miss :’-) #thanks! 💙 it was really sweet. and fun to answer! #long post

[kittenshift-17]

that whole is ‘i love you’ ‘you don’t but thanks for saying it anyway’ UGH I HATED THAT. GOD it was just so patronizing! like thx for sacrificing urself! could’ve given this to my ex but i chose you! bc ur in love with me and will do anything for me! like that was just a slap in the face. she clearly never saw him as an equal even with a soul. with angel she would’ve given him a million chances even if he killed more people she loved but spike was just a punching bag. (4/multi)

Actually, for my own thinking (which I confess has been wildly influenced by the amount of Spuffy fanfic I’ve devoured) I do think Buffy meant it when she said she loved him. I think that SMG did a really bad job delivering that line, but I do think she loved him. Maybe not like we would hope, but she realised when she was about to lose him that she loved him and liked having him in her life. We see that in the way she says “I’m not ready for your to not be here” and we see it depicted through the eyes of the others, like Giles, “There’s a connection. He relies on you. You rely on him.”

There’s no denying that they do feel something for each other. I think it’s just that Buffy spent so long fighting it - so long being determined to hate him, and to want nothing to do with him even when she lusted after him, that even then - even when he’s about to die after proving once and for all that he IS the good guy, despite a lifetime as the Big Bad - it’s hard for Buffy to accept, and harder for her to admit. The human animal is conditioned to believe that we’re never wrong, and to feel shame and anger when it’s proved that we are, in fact, incorrect about something. Buffy is stubborn and prideful and self-righteous and to have been so wrong about Spike, and to have made him suffer for it - to have made herself suffer for it by resisting him when she could’ve been loving him - had to be a bitter pill to swallow.

Spike’s evil. There is no doubt about that. He’s without conscience for the majority of the series, and he proves time and again that he’s in it for himself first, and everyone else as an afterthought. Even when he admits that’s he’s a Grey Hat, or even part of the Scooby Gang, he is begrudging and childish and immature about it. You spend a century being evil and ruthless and a killer, having been trained in it from when he first rose at Angel’s knee, and it’s a hard habit to break. He plays Kitten Poker, don’t forget. He eats kittens. He eats babies and little children. When he first comes to Sunnydale, he kills a man who he claims is too old, because he prefers lamb to mutton. He’s not going to eat him. He just kills him for kicks. Like... Spike is a bad guy. He’s a Big Bad and he’s proud of it because in the world he’s come to know, that’s the thing to be. The demonic underworld is where the biggest and baddest are the best off and the most popular and Spike covets that and acts in whatever way necessary to be that and maintain that for a long time. He pitted his will against Buffy. Stalked her. Studied her. Learned everything he could about her in an effort to kill her - and he didn’t have any good reason for wanting to kill her, other than to improve his reputation as the Slayer of Slaryers and an extra oomph for his Big Bad image. He didn’t need her blood. He didn’t need her soul. He didn’t need to kill her. He just wanted to. Okay, yes, so did Angel, but at least with Angel it was because he claimed she made him feel human and without his soul, being/feeling human is a despicable weakness. Humans today kill people for that very reason. Spike just wanted to kill her because he thought it would be fun, and because he wanted the thrill of the fight and the rush of tasting her blood. 

So, yeah. I do understand Buffy being a bitch to him all that time, and I understand Buffy hating herself and beating herself up for wanting him even despite knowing what a bad guy he was, had been, is, and could return to being. Don’t forget that when Spike came back to Sunnydale and got chipped in the first place, he came back with the Gem of Amara, intending to kill Buffy. He still tried to kill her and to hurt her friends several times even after he was chipped. He wasn’t all sunshine and puppies. That said, neither was Buffy, and the older and more mature she gets, the more we see of that.

The show did a fabulous job of depicting the hard knocks that come amid the transititon from idealistic teenager into cynnical young adult and I commend all of the writers for the way they portrayed that. Buffy grows steadily more bitter with age, not just after being ripped out of heaven, but right from the beginning. We see the idealism and hope of first love, and the crushing pain when it’s dashed. We see the fear and despair of learning someone we love has betrayed us and wants to hurt us. We see the betrayal of a father figure turning on us for the sake of doing his job, and the misjudgements our parents make. We see the transition from high school into the real world, and the way it can warp and twist friendships we’d relied so heavily upon into something that becomes a chore. We see the way friendships change as we grow apart, and the way the choices our friends make impact not just their lives, but ours too. We see the way it feels to want someone you know is bad for you; someone who is bad, period. We see the trials of losing a parent, and takcling motherhood, and the tribulations of needing to find work to have money, and the wretched disappointment when the good things we were all promised don’t pan out that way. Watching those scenes as an adult, having lived a number of them myself, those things are bang on, man.

There are definitely things about the show that I hate; that “I love you” “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it” scene among them, but there is so much richness there, that how can you not love it? Even in that scene, those words from Spike scream so much. They show that he’s been pushed away one too many times. That he doesn’t trust easily anymore, not even himself, and especially not Buffy. I truly think in those moments, when Buffy says she loves him, she can barely beleive it herself, and she doesn’t want to say it at all, but she says it anyway because she knows this is her last chance to do so - her only chance to do so - and we also see how Spike’s been bitten once too often to beleive her. He wanted so long for her to love him, and she spurned him every time. Never said it. Refused to feel it, even, perhaps, when she did feel it just the same way she felt lust for him. He doesn’t believe her because he’s spent a lifetime, it seems, listening to her tell him what a monster he is and how she could never love something like him. He refuses the words because he thinks she’s only saying them out of pity. And in a way, she kind of is. Were he not about to save the world by sacrificing himself, she likely never would’ve fully, truly beleived it herself that she loved him, and even if she did, she would never say it. She only says it because he is dying, and so he thinks she is only saying it to make him happy in his final moments. But there’s too much pain and too much bad blood and bad feelings and hurt and anger and betrayal there for it to feel like more than a platitiude to Spike. 

As a fangirl, as a viewer, a reader and a writer, the whole scene is a kick in the gut and not the HEA we all so desperately wanted for the two of them. But as an adult, as a person with understanding of everything Joss was trying to portray - everything that is so much bigger than fanciful romance - I do completely understand the purpose and maybe even the necessity of that scene playing out exactly as it was written. No matter how painful and ugly and disappointing. That’s life, after all....

[chrysolina]

Clinging to you

Asks - Hiii! How’re u? I was wondering if you could do an imagine where the reader is dating cevans, and over hears I’m saying that she’s too clingy and he might break up with her? Then she avoids him for days. And the reason she’s clingy is bc she thinks she’s going to lose him? But chris didn’t know that and realizes how much he misses and loves her? Love ur page btw seriously - anon

Hiii! Can you do a fic with cevans x girl reader. She overheard him saying that she’s too clingy and sometimes he just wants to be alone and is thinking abt breaking up w her and so she ignores him for days but he doesn’t know why but they get into a fight about it after ? Basically angst to fluff? -

Thank you both for this amazing ask!! Here it is, hope you enjoy 💕

Summary - Chris is getting tired - tired of your clinginess to him. So much so, he wants to end your five year relationship - but how can you with a massive obstacle soon to be in the way?

Word count - 2.6k

Warnings - angst, swearing, fluff, mention of sex

M A S T E R L I S T

Photoshoots, Chris hated them. As much as he was a kind soul and wasn’t one to complain, he wasn’t having any of it today. A humid, gripping air hung around LA the whole day and the studio was no different, the air-con was trying it’s best to cool everyone but with the recent heatwave that had just passed, it just wasn’t enough.

Ever since he was a baby, Chris never liked the heat - period - it still made him as cranky, snappy and generally frustrated at the most mundane or innocent of things even now, thirty six years later.

Through all the hair styling, outfit changes, prop swapping, flashes and clicks of the camera, he was continuously keeping his cool - until you, literally, stepped through the door of the studio. He didn’t understand why but as of late, you had been rather clingy with him - far too clingy, if Chris had further words for it.

He hadn’t dared to say it to you yet but your incessant clinginess only made him want to tear away from you and call it quits. He was a lone spirit, an independent one at that and he just couldn’t stand the cramped feeling you gave him whilst you were around him.

You smiled, waved and said hi to him whilst the hairdressers were sorting his hair, like most would, you expected him to smile back and either tell you to come see him or say hey back but no, Chris just glared daggers into you, making your happy go-lucky smile drop in an instant. You didn’t digress too much over it however, you shrugged it off and went off to the lunchtime buffet that had just opened on the other side of the studio.

After a while, things weren’t adding up. The head photographer had called it time for lunch just over twenty minutes ago and Chris hadn’t showed up. With a huff, you asked his and your manager if he knew where he went, to which he replied ‘I think he went to his dressing room darling’, you thanked him and paced quickly to Chris’ room.

Halfway through your walk, a god-awful gut feeling stabbed your insides like a katana ‘what if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he’s mad at me?’ You shrugged off the thoughts, clenched your now incredibly valuable handbag closer to you and kept walking.

The dressing rooms were deadly silent bar your heeled sandals clicking on the tiled floor, a cool air whipped past your neck and made you hold your body whilst it shivered. Although it was from afar, you could hear Chris’ voice bellow through his dressing room and seep out of the flimsy door and its gaps, making you puzzle at the anger in his voice.

You didn’t want to knock the door and ask how he was, as bad as it was you wanted to listen to what on Earth had got him so riled up and moreover, who he was talking to.

As best as you could, you stayed pressed against the wall next to his door and steadied your breathing so you could hear what he had to say. “You have no clue how fucking ridiculous she’s being right now man,” who was he on about? “She’s driving me fucking insane with her constant fucking neediness!” He wasn’t talking about you..was he?

“Chris I’m sure it’s just a phase,” you knew who’s voice that was on the speakerphone, Scott. “Y/N’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Believe me when I say that bro,” wait...was Chris venting about you? Neediness? Your head began to spin with all the accusations.

“More like the worst thing to happen to me.” You could almost visualise Chris’ face when he said that about you. Unbeknownst to you, tears began to cascade down your cheeks freely at the painful words that Chris kept spewing out about you. “She really does make me want to run to the fucking hills Scott.”

“You don’t mean that Chris.”

“The fuck I do, Y/N’s just become too much for me and I can’t stick it anymore...how much will mom and dad hate me if I came back home without Y/N?” No, he wasn’t thinking about this now, of all the times right now he was choosing to do this now?

Before you actually let out a sob, you bolted straight out of there and straight to the ladies toilets to basically bawl your eyes out. You sat on the toilet seat and looked at the pristine photo that sat in your bag, waiting to be shown to the world and more importantly, to Chris; you couldn’t bare to look at the image after hearing what he had to say about you - his fiancée, his supposed ‘rock’, his ‘everything’ - was it all a lie?

After a twenty minute cry alone in the full toilets, you cleaned yourself up, refreshed your makeup and wandered out to an awaiting Chris and your manager. To your disgust, Chris smiled at you like as if you had come back to life from the grave and went to go and hug you but you ducked away from him with a coldness you never thought you’d have.

“Right then Y/N, are you ready?” Your manger asked you kindly, you were to feature in the magazine shoot alongside Chris - due to your own stardom - in some very pleasing photos.

“Actually, can I reschedule it for another day?” You smiled sadly at him and watched out the corner of eye Chris’ brows furrowing in question.

“I think I must’ve eaten something disagreeable and I kinda threw up in the toilet just now,” you partly lied clean through your teeth and smiled weakly at your manager, your colourless parlour catching his eye.

He was the first to know about your recent stomach bug that had lingered in you for the longest while now and was quick to understand your position right now, being sick in this heat must be awful.

“Of course, how about I bargain for this Friday? It’ll give a bit of time then,” he smiled and ignored Chris head moving from you to his manager a flurried way. Three days to get well again and do the appropriate precautions, a squeeze but perfect.

“Wonderful, thank you so so much Charles.” You sighed, waved your goodbyes to everyone bar Chris and paced off to your car in the parking lot.

Without notice, a large hand caught your forearm and pulled you back a step of two. “Where’re you going Y/N/N?” Chris partially snapped at you and tried to look you deep in the eye but the facade you put on prevented him from doing so.

“I’m going home Chris,” You snapped and yanked your hand out of his vice-like grip with such a strength, it made him look twice. Chris panicked, he needed to talk to you and ask you where you were going.

As quick as he could, his hand caught yours and held you still. “Why? Y/N what’s going on?” Chris whined and pleaded to you like a child who wanted his favourite candy. You clicked your teeth and yanked your hand away again, this time taking a step away for precautions sake and kept your handbag close to you.

“Nothing that’d concerns you.” You snapped furiously and steamed away to your car around the back of the studio, your hand holding the side of your stomach protectively.

What a mess the supposed best day of your life had turned out to be.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Instead of holing yourself up for the rest of the afternoon and evening, you chose to be as productive as possible with your free time before Chris came back home to your shared LA home.

You out all your clothes in suit protectors int he wardrobe and kept everything neatly together in case the worst came to be tonight, you cleaned the house, baked a chocolate cake for all times sake, took Dodger for a walk around the local trail and emptied your valuables from your shared safe in your dresser.

By the time the photo shoot was finished and they were packing away, you were all set for the worst and was calmly watching the evening lights flicker in the distance, your feet dangling peacefully in the pool, Dodger laying next to you and your phone.

Like the devil’s calling, you could hear the said actor’s car pulling into the driveway, the engine stop and the door slam shut with a loud slam that jolted Dodger out of his dazed slumber. Before Dodger could get up and run to see Chris, he had already come through the door and likewise, slammed it shut with a fury that made you sick to stomach.

“Y’know you can sometimes be a real bitch Y/N Y/L/N!” Chris yelled and echoed through the entire house, his footing more like stomps as he neared your form by the pool. Dodger jumped out of the way and paced back in the house, as if he already knew to leave his parents alone.

“It’s part of my speciality.” You deadpanned and kept your head forward, refusing to look at Chris who stood beside you.

“Sixteen times Y/N, sixteen times I called and you never answered. Lord knows how many times I text you.” Chris ranted and raved and paced back and forth behind you. You didn’t budge though, you just stared off into the distance holding your tongue from saying something real bad.

“Look who’s being the clingy one now, Christopher.” You chided with a dead-like face and smiled internally once the pacing stopped and you could feel Chris’ eyes on your head. Chris’ heart dropped mike and miles at your words and immediately thought back to the heated conversation he had with Scott earlier.

He couldn’t articulate any words and only looked at you stunned. “No words now, hm? You seemed to have plenty earlier, didn’t you Christopher?” This time your urned to look him dead in the eye with a glare that could easily freeze over hell and its counterparts.

Slowly, you rose to your feet and stood only a few inches away from Chris’ sullen form, eyeing him up as of you were going to murder him.

‘How did you hear...” Chris trailed off and let his mouth go slack at the sight of you, red eyed and pale as a dead person - he did this to you, he knew it.

You scoffed at the Bostonian as if he had said something utterly ridiculous. “C’mon Chris, anyone at leat ten foot away could hear you slagging me off!” You snapped and pushed past him back into the house, your feet getting especially wet.

“I wasn’t slagging you off!” Chris suddenly shouted from the patio doors, making you stop dead in your tracks.

“Weren’t you? Cause it sure fucking sounded like that Chris.” You snapped him off again and began to walk to the staircase.

“I had every right to do so Y/N!” Chris’ voice echoed around the house and made you stop again, this time with tears rolling down your cheeks.

“You’ve been so clingy and up in my business lately, it’s driving me fucking insane. ‘Oh Chris help me here. Chris can I come with you here. Can I come with you there. Can you tell me this, that and the other. Come with me here Chris. Do this Chris. Do that Chris.’ Do you get what I’m saying Y/N?” Chris yelled at you shaking form and didn’t let up, not like he saw your shaking anyways.

“You’re clingy Y/N, admit you did wrong and apologise.” Chris demanded and it made your blood boil in rage. Apologise? Apologise for being unwell? Apologise for being pregnant with his child? Your stubbornness wouldn’t allow it.

Instead of doing the usuals yell at each other gimmick, you turned around and sulked towards him as if you were sorry, as if you had a lot to apologise for. Chris’ cold glare never left you whilst you stood before him, your eyes plastered to the floor. “Tomorrow is coming Y/N. Anything would do.”

Without any second thought, you stood straight and slapped him straight across the face, sending him stumbling back a step or two. “Give me a fucking break Evans! Five years we’ve been together and you were willing to throw it all under the bus and run away just because I’ve been a little clingy lately?” You screeched at him, not daring to hold back.

“I hope you’ve got a big heart because I’ve fucking over this bullshit. You wanna throw away us, fine but just remember, you’ll also be throwing away a possible son or daughter too.” Your voice broke into a sob near the end of your speech. You couldn’t stand it anymore, to stand here in his presence was making you feel light on your feet in the worst possible way.

You didn’t bother to look back at Chris and bolted for the stairs, cradling your small bump and holding your head in the process. Your ran to your once-shared bedroom and shut the door tight, your legs giving away and crumbling from beneath you once your back hit the thick wood.

It could’ve been minutes or hours later, you felt yourself being hoisted off the floor bridal style and placed gently on your bed. Your eyes fluttered at the sudden feeling of wet salty lips on your own, you didn’t know what to do; reciprocate the kiss or leave it?

Reciprocate or leave?

No matter how cumbersome his words were on your mind, Chris was your one love, your fiancé, your everything and you couldn’t imagine anyone else filling that role; ever.

Just before he was going to pull away, your smaller hands flew to his bearded cheeks and pulled him back down to kiss you like never before. It was a kiss that neither of you had ever shared before, it was so powerful, so loving and so apologetic you couldn’t help but allow Chris’ frame to slide in between your legs and his arms circle around you like a warm blanket.

Once you opened your eyes, you were met with the face of a scared, broken and elated Chris who looked like he had been slapped square in the face with - oh wait, he had.

You tentatively touched the bright red area and watched him wince at the touch, much to your horror. “What did I do to you..” you mumbled in a breath and rubbed his other cold, wet cheek with your thumb.

“No baby, what did I do to you?” Chris’ forehead leant against yours lovingly and stared into you Y/E/C eyes longingly.

“Where shall I start?” You tried to lighten the mood with your joke but it seemed to be taken the other way once Chris’ lips met yours again in a steamy, passionate kiss.

“Let me make it up to you Y/N...” Chris sighed into your mouth, hooked one of your legs around his hips and ground his forming erection softly against your core, giving you the precise idea he had.

“So long as you don’t go a-wall on us again, then yes. Love me, Chris.” You sighed at the motion down below and slowly under the belt of Chris’ jeans.

Tags - @patzammit

A/N: if anyone’s up for it, I’m thinking of doing a small smut following this watery ass ending lol. If anyone’s interested ofc * (:

*A/N: since school stuff has got mega crazy all of a sudden I may put a future smut off until I can get around to it!! So sorry everyone!! )):

#chris evans #steve rogers #captain america #marvel #steve rogers x reader #chris evans x reader #chris evans headcanon #chris evans fluff #chris evans x you #chris evans imagine #chris evans smut #chris evans x pregnant!reader #imagine steve rogers

[awed-frog]

in which caesar doesn’t do anything much and all the women are named julia

[Hi, this is me stanning Adrian Goldsworthy’s biography of Caesar. I studied Classics, but not this period, so all I can contribute here are squeals of delight, a few mistakes and the occasional witty comment. If you’d like to know more, please buy the book - it’s really good and a fun read.]

PART 2

The thing is - there’s a lot of boring relevant political stuff going on in this chapter, but I’m mostly fascinated by the glimpses we get into the world of Roman women. 

As I said, this is not really my area, so I know random, unconnected facts about how life was like for them; also it doesn’t make much sense to talk about ‘Roman women’, because, as a reminder, ‘Rome’ stretches from the 14th century BC to the 14th century AD, came to include dozens of very different regions, and obviously was home to an incredibly diverse population. And if we’re talking about the late Republican / imperial aristocracy, there’s a sharp divide anyway: on the one hand, the ‘ideal woman’ is the same old model we’re all used to and heard about (silent, obedient, virtuous, chaste, a perfect mother and so on), but on the other, Roman noblewomen had a lot more freedom than, say, their Greek counterparts, so there was usually some political scheming going on - something that in Greece was reserved to a handful of very well-placed courtesans. 

(In this sense, think about the contrast between Lucretia, the mythological wife of Collatinus, whose fridging created the Republic, and Agrippina, mother of Nero, empress and all-round badass bitch.)

Anyway, this chapter made me think about women because it starts with Caesar being born and getting his name - it’s sort of an urban legend, btw, that every single Roman had three names: that was just for the Moste Noblest - and how Goldsworthy casually mentions that, unlike men, women of noble birth would just take their family surname as first name. In Caesar’s family, for instance, all the women were named Julia.

(As a reminder: his given name was Caius, then ‘Julius’ identified the tribe, and finally ‘Caesar’ was a nickname that was possibly given to his grandfather for something elephant-related. 

People whose grandfathers did not do elephant-related stuff generally never enjoyed the prestige of a funny nickname passed down through the generations.)

So it’s bad enough that twins might be named ‘Peter and Not-Peter’ or ‘Peter and Twin’, but imagine going to the park with your buggy and meeting your old friend Oldest She-Jones (daughter of Ferdinand Jones), now married to George David Taylor, and her five kids - Louis David Taylor, She-Taylor, She-Taylor the Second, She-Taylor the Third and She-Taylor Born on Christmas. So damn cute, and also the reason why the Romans never developed smartphones or social media - how the hell are you supposed to find someone on Vultocodex when every single cousin and aunt has the exact same name?

Poor management, that is.

But anyway - as I said, there’s a dissonance here because women being treated like garbage (like, not given normal names and married off at fourteen) also led to the very peculiar phenomenon: generations of (male) politicians and VIPs being raised by very forceful, strong, and ambitious (widowed) mothers. Because if you count old age, wars, trampolining injuries (let’s be honest, men have always been obsessed with attempting dangerous stunts just for the fun of it) and the general risks of Roman politics, it was very usual for a noble kid to not even remember his father at all.

(Nero is a good example of how weird and all-consuming this boy-mother relationship could become - there’s entire books about it, but I’d point 16-and-over readers to Suetonius’ Life of Nero for details.

Keep in mind 95% of it is propaganda because Suetonius hated Nero, but still. HBO-worthy stuff in there.)

All this to say - we know that Caesar had a very close relationship with his mom (named ‘Aurelia’ because - you guessed it - she came from the Aurelii family), who was a near perfect figure of virtue, intelligence, beauty and common sense. Very powerful in her own right, Aurelia raised Caesar basically on her own, because her (much older) husband was either away at war or dead for most of their marriage.

Aside from drinking in Aurelia’s wisdom, Caesar’s education also included the normal lessons noble Roman boys were required to learn: self-worth, narcissism, delusional manias, rhetoric, martial arts, horse-riding, and writing really bad fanfiction based on Greek myths.

And now for the MEANWHILE part.

(I have no idea why this gif was tagged ‘meanwhile’, but I’m not enough of an idiot to let it go to waste, so.)

Meanwhile, all sort of messes were going on.

As I’m sure you remember, at some point the consul was Marius - Caesar’s uncle and a military genius, but not much of a politician. His negotiation tactic of choice was secretly inviting groups of unconnected people to his house on the same night, serving them dinner in two separate rooms so they wouldn’t see one another and try to work out some kind of agreement between them. Whenever a new point came up, Marius would say he had diarrhoea, pretend to run to the bathroom and instead sit down with the second group and see what they thought about the first group’s proposal.

(Isn’t ancient Rome magnificent?)

A big problem Marius had to deal with was how to grant citizenship to the allied tribes in Italy without pissing off current citizens. Basically no one wanted these other guys to be given new rights, but since they supplied more than half the soldiers of the Roman army and got nothing in return, their patience was running a bit thin. At some point, Roman bureaucrats started to erase foreign-born citizens from their lists claiming they were not actual citizens (something so openly dishonest NO OTHER GOVERNMENT would EVER attempt it again), and next yet another tribune working on a citizenship reform was stabbed to death in the street. 

So the allies went to war. 

(This war, confusingly, is known as the Social War, because ‘socius’ means ‘ally’ in Latin.)

As you can imagine, it was a disaster. Most of the allied communities had been part of the Roman republic for I don’t want to check but let’s say decades, they lived side by side with Roman families and fought in the same wars, so it was more of a civil war than anything else. Some tribes chose to remain faithful to Rome, others didn’t. Lots of people died.

Caesar was too young to be a soldier, but this was Cicero’s first taste of war (bet you never thought of that weaselly weasel as a soldier, uh? appearances can be deceiving, folks!). Marius was also involved, but since he was old as shit and had famously weak and leaky guts (hahahhaha), he mostly stayed out of active combat, which wasn’t all that normal for a Roman general. In the end, the whole of Italy, down to defeated tribes, cows, dogs and random patches of mossy rocks, was granted citizenship and everyone went home. Their votes, however, were inserted in the system in such a way that they didn’t count much. 

On the whole, the one winner of this war was Lucius Cornelius Sulla, one of the military commanders, who became a consul soon after.

Another war, because this is Rome and Romans were dicks, but! this one was in the East, which means every single soldier would get super rich and also! wars in the East were considered easy because *insert racist trope here* and! Sulla had been promised that, as the big winner of the Social War, he could go there with his legions and basically enjoy this Disneyland of golden cups and ultraviolence but! at the last moment, Marius, who never liked Sulla much, managed to snatch the commandership from him, which! was completely legal but also *insert outraged emoji* and wait for it! instead of going gentle into the good night, Sulla made a fiery speech to his soldiers all like GUESS WHAT FOLKS WE’RE STUCK HERE SCRATCHING OUR TESTICULI AND THOSE IDIOTS FROM THE 25TH ARE TAKING YOUR GOLD AND YOUR UNWILLING WOMEN and! Sulla’s entire army marched! on! the! city! of! Rome!

It was the first time a Roman army had ever invaded Rome. Nobody was expecting it, and people panicked. Sulla’s men won easily, burned down some buildings, killed some people, generally had a great time; and then Sulla announced a bounty for anyone who’d disembowel his political enemies (including Marius) because he didn’t have time to go to Braavos and learn how to do it himself (remember, he still had his war waiting for him in the East).

(This turned out to be a success, btw. One guy was even killed by his slave - Sulla gave him the promised reward, then shoved him off a mountain because duh, slave and “When I said ‘anyone’, I meant people, not IKEA furniture” and “Honestly”.)

As nobody could have imagined and/or predicted, as soon as Sulla left for Greece Weak Guts Marius came back with an army and took back the city, beheading his way to the Senate and leaving a trail of blood wherever he passed. As soon as he got there, however, he dropped dead - heart attack, trampolining, diarrhoea, who can tell - and the city was taken over by his second-in-command, Lucius Cornelius Cinna.

(Man, what a ride.)

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to know what Caesar was doing during this time.

Personally, I like to imagine him in Rome - a well-dressed, grey-eyed 15-year-old, freshly orphaned, horrified and exhilarated by the violence exploding all around him - I see him running down the streets, stopping to watch the corpses float in the dark waters of the Tiber, daring his friends to go and touch the severed heads nailed to the doors of the Senate; recognizing many of those heads as friends and colleagues of his father and uncle (passing a hesitant finger on the cold flesh, remembering how they’d once laughed and frowned and spoken about boring matters from the dais). 

The truth is, Caesar was just a kid. He was supposed to learn about the Republic, and his own role in making it great, by watching his elders. 

God knows what he actually learned, and what he thought, as he was passing through Rome’s paved streets, now shimmering with blood. 

PREVIOUS — NEXT

#julius caesar #ancient rome #history #classics #antiquity #adrian goldsworthy #book rec #history crack #sort of #elephant boy #problematic fave

[valntinemorgenstern]

4,10,28,37,44,49

4 - Is there a book that you think needs a bigger fandom?? - my gut response was the raven cycle but then i rememebered that, actually, trc already has a fairly sizeableish fandom, and they are….terrible, so in lieu of that…the scorpio races! that is an absolutely amazing book that i love. oh, the wicked king! by holly black. i know it has a fandom but it’s still fairly small, and i adore that series. oh oh! and circe by madeline miller. everyone on here loves tsoa, but no one ever mentions circe, and that is legit 100 x times better, objectively speaking. 

10 - What would you like to change/see more of in the community??: for ppl to grasp some of the most basic concepts in literature lol ie that character development is often predicated on characters being flawed/making mistakes; no ‘progressive shipping’ or hating on ppl because they do/do not like a certain pairing; less fervour around the idea that representation is the be-all and end-all of whether or not a book is considered good; no hating on authors for anything they have/have not done in their books. TL;DR less over-moralisation, more respect, more thoughtful criticism, less hate. 

28 - First book that comes to mind, tell us about it. Rant: haha well i recently read this book called the sealwoman’s gift and it was set in the 1600′s and is about an icelandic woman (and all her fellow icelanders) being taken as slaves to algiers, morocco. and the ending was just ridiculous. the main plot of the whole book centers around this woman’s romance with (essentially her captor/the man who bought her) over a number of years and then by the end of he wants to marry her and free her etc. and she – equally in love with him – is just like, nope, i wanna go back to iceland with my aged, boring white husband there. which is what she does. so she goes back, realises she is absolutely fucking miserable, and regrets everything. her husband dies; she goes to this random guy for comfort, feels better and then it ends. what an absolutely fucking pointless storyline. i just can’t believe that that was a satisfying conclusion to write at all. that is patently the worst possible way to round off a character’s development.

37 - Is there a book that you think everyone should read?? oh DEAR haha well to be honest i’m not sure? if m degree taught me anything, it taught me that literature should never be didactic, and there is no such thing as a book that should be exalted above all others. what i definitely do believe is that everyone should read, period. it makes me incredibly sad that we live in a culture where reading is often the preserve of well-educated, middle-class (and often overly female) audiences. we need to go back to the days where reading, and to be seen reading, and being considered well-read was an aspiration of all members of society, regardless of background or gender. but in many ways…reading is now something of a niche pursuit? which is really, really sad. 

44 - Favourite book quote, go.: GOD i’m just gonna say one thats comes to the top of my head bc i really have so many. ofc it’s from wuthering heights. 

‘I’ve dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they’ve gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.’ i couldn’t honestly tell you what the hell catherine earnshaw is actually going on about here lol but for some reason (aside from the fact that it is definitely one of the most poetic bits of prose in the whole book), it really resonates with me. something about the approximation of what she’s saying about introspection, and how some thoughts, or thought processes, you have stay with you and totally change you as you as a person, really rings true. 

49 - Worse book you’ve ever read??: wow there are lot of those….but i’m struggling to pin one down haha so i’m just gonna say catcher in the rye haha it’s absolutely god-awful 

#about me

[threemoonsareshining]

i read through all the 'get to know me uncomfortably well' questions and honestly i couldn't pick because i'd love your answers to any of them so idk just answer the ones you feel like answering? is that allowed in these ask games? idk i'm making it allowed (also have a great day!) xx

Hi!!!!!! Oh my god you’re blessing my night with this message because let’s say... I haven't had the best day today, and I’m sure that’s allowed in these ask things, i mean are there even rules? I do’t know how many i’ll be able to answer but I’m going all in so let’s go

2. How old are you? 19 such an ugly age let me tell you

4. What is your zodiac sign? taurus and i’m not really into astrology and stuff so i don’t know if i can relate to my sign or not

5. What is your favorite color? i really like earthy tones, and i’ve always loved dark colors but i’m trying to broaden my horizons in terms of colors, unsuccessfully this far

6. What's your lucky number? i’m not sure if it brings me luck but i’ve always loved the number 5, maybe bc it’s my birthday, i think it’s really nice overall

7. Do you have any pets? yes!! i have 2 cats, i love them so much even though they’re not the friendliest cats in the world you know. I used to have fish but they kept dying not matter how hard i tried! It makes me a little sad but in the end it was just too much work and if i wasn’t able to take care of them properly i’d rather have no fish honestly

8. Where are you from? i don’t like to say these things but i think it’s pretty obvious if you pay a little attention to what i post every once in a while

9. How tall are you?i’m 1.64 or so, which is like… 5.3-5.4??? I’d like to be a little taller tho

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t own many, this year i bought some winter shoes but i just realised all my summer ones are either a little too used or i just don’t like their style anymore so yeah i should do some shopping (if only i had time to do that hah!)

12. What was your last dream about? i don’t remember very well but i think i saw my economics teacher riding a bike with no pants after i’d been fined by the police for having a water balloon war in the middle of the street, I wasn’t happy about that. I’ve had many dreams i was able to remember these last days, but they were more like nightmares i’d say, many of them about being kidnaped, other studies-related (i failed my math test again, i had to retake my college-access test… just terrible), and other were with people i actually know, which wasn’t the best thing ever honestly

15. Favorite song? Plant life by owl city, i’m going to paste the answer i wrote to explain why it’s my favorite (Plant Life by Owl City, that song just describes my soul at a spiritual level, like I could choose 1564 other songs by Owl City that describe me as well but this one is the one that I can relate to when i’m going through the worst times, but also gives me the hope that things will get better idk. And it’s funny because I still loved it before I had the level of English to understand the lyrics, and then I found out what they meant and i was like “woah this actually speaks to me in a way i can’t explain” it was a really weird feeling idk, that song is just me)

16. Favorite movie? billy elliot, actually it’s been a really long time since i last saw it. I remember i watched it like 7 times in a row in one week when i first saw it, i just loved it so much

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Just… someone that i’m 100% comfortable with, which should be a given, but apparently that isn’t that easy to find. Idk i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately basically because some of my coming decisions are going to be based on who i want as a partner, obviously not in a serious-for-life way, but in a way that i deserve right now. I’d like to have someone that doesn’t make me feel inadequate like almost everyone does, that doesn’t make me feel like a temporary asset in their life until they get want they want for me and just don’t care anymore. I don’t know, recent experiences have made me realise I need to figure out what I want and fight for it, not settle for someone just because it’s convenient, or because i don’t want to be alone... because in the end, if someone is making you feel like shit for being who you are and it’s acting like you are not important, even though they’re willing to be with you (even if it’s just for the physical part) that clearly makes you feel even more lonely

18. Do you want children? I’d say my #1 fear in life is getting accidentally pregnant (i know that shouldn’t worry me that much if i use protection and stuff), i meant a good reason i’m so wary of having sex is because i’d go crazy just considering the possibility that the condom failed or something. I think this answers the question, i really don’t want children, idk if i’d be able to take care of a kid, and above all, i don’t want to. Every time i see a kid in the street or in the public transport i pray he/she doesn’t interact with me because i just find it so so so difficult to be nice to them, basically because i don’t know how . Then i also look at their parents, their tired look, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they love their kids and all but I don’t think everyone can find happiness in having kids, and I don’t think I’m one of those people that won’t feel complete until they have kids or stuff. Furthermore, I’m not willing to sacrifice my body and to suffer the pain of giving birth, that doesn’t even cross my mind. So if I consider the possibility in the future i think I’d adopt.

20. Are you religious? I already answered this so I’ll just paste it I’m sorry this is so lazy (i was raised catholic and as a child i was really really devote, i truly believed in god. But you know, as years go by, then you find out you don’t agree with a lot of things the Church preaches (being in a catholic school doesn’t help, i will never forget the day i heard a priest telling literal 7-year-old girls that their only duty in life was to have children). My environment was really really conservative and I was lucky to somehow realise how fucking wrong some of the stuff they were teaching us was, sadly, i still see a lot of kids in my school being brainwashed… it’s crazy to see the way some families think. Anyways, that contributed to me getting distanced from everything religious-related. Now i could say i’m somewhere between agnostic and non-practicing. I still pray every once in a while but i’m not sure if i truly believe it or it’s just out of custom, i just feel too hopeless and detached from everything to believe there’s something greater than us… this question is too hard!)

24. Baths or showers? I used to hate taking showers just because I didn’t have the strength to go through all the process of taking a shower but I’ve been trying to fix this mainly because 1) Personal Hygiene and stuff 2) Even though i don’t have the willpower to do it, i always try to think about how nice it feels to be clean after a shower, or how relaxed you are (even if it’s for a short period of time) after taking a bath. So yeah I don’t like either of them but they’re obviously necessary

26. Have you ever been famous? I haven’t been famous but I’ve been mistaken for a famous people more than once. The first time i was very young and a man asked me if i was that girl (idk who) that was on tv and I said no, and the other was more recent, last year, when someone mistook me for a youtuber

28. What type of music do you like? I love instrumental music, specially orchestral but i also adore celtic themes. And i hate to admit it but i love electro pop, the owl city - type, even though many people (aka my dad) may think it’s not the Best Quality, but i mean who cares at least I enjoy it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m a mess so most of the time I have a coffee so I don’t die of tiredness throughout the day and if i have time i eat some fruit and cookies, not a lot honestly, which isn’t the most healthy thing to do but hey idc

34. Have you ever fired a gun? No. I really, really hate guns.

37. Favorite swear word? I never swear in public, just when I’m alone, I don’t think I can choose any word!

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? Maybe 24 hours, the thing is that i sleep very, very little, but i always end up sleeping anyway

41. Are you a good liar? Even when I’m actually telling the truth there are people who don’t believe me so yeah hah not really

42. Are you a good judge of character? i’m really good at getting the vibes of people, sometimes i think i’m just overreading everything but a high percentage of the time i end up being right, so yeah not only regarding people but also with other aspects of my life… i like to trust my gut. However, i don’t always say it bc i’m afraid i might be wrong, but when my suspicions are proven, I’m like yeah i was right how weird hahahahhhhhhhhh, i amaze myself in this aspect honestly

46. What is your personality type? i think i’m intj, but i remember retaking the test a few months later and getting another result but yeah i can relate to the architect type, introvert, cautelous, focused on analysing rather than acting blah blah all that stuff (i love this stuff)

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie 4 life, because I’ve tried to force myself to be more outie and let me tell you that didn’t go well

50. Left or right handed? left!!!

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m really scared of them but i also cry every time i kill one bc i feel sorry for her (but it’s either my life or hers i’m sorry) although most of the time when i see i spider i face my fear and i put in in a box or something to release it outside

52. Favorite food? i’d eat ice cream every day of my life for every meal all the time just give me all the ice cream

58. Do you have much of an ego? My ego is so tiny sometimes i forget it exists and let people step on it like it’s nothing

61. Do you sing to yourself? I perform to myself, i love singing alone in my room. I used to care about my neighbour hearing me but you only live once right

62. Are you a good singer? i wouldn't say i’m a bad singer, nor a good one bc the problem is that my voice is not very strong, so it’s very hard to hear me. But yeah, i’ve been complimented for my singing in some occasions, and i really enjoy doing it on my own (i still don’y know how i was able to sing in public the only time i have done it)

63. Biggest Fear? that i’ll keep missing stuff due to my anxiety, oh that and having unwanted kids obviously

64. Are you a gossip? it’s always interesting to hear stuff and be aware of what happens around you but i‘ve always said that things would be better if everyone just… minded their own business a little bit more, you can’t get mad at someone if they don’t want to tell you something, it’s their life and they don’t owe you all the explanations after all

66. Do you like long or short hair? i have really long hair and i’d love it if it wasn’t so so so hard to maintain… i’m pretty tired of it honestly and i know i said i’d be cutting and donating it this year but… it’s such a part of my identity (which is so silly but it’s true, i’m introduced to some people as “the girl with really long hair”) and… i don’t know i think i’ve enough changes this year, so i’ll keep it for a little longer

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? i’m so scared of the sea i think i’d die

71. What makes you nervous? sadly, even the most insignificant stuff makes me nervous, and apparently, ignoring them doesn’t mae them disapear! so yeah i’m basically suffering at all times due to stupid stuff, i’ve just learned to ignore it enough so it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life (most of the time it works but it’s mentally draining now that i think about it)

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’m one of those people that can say that never drank alcohol until it was legal for me to do it, I didn’t do it even when my mom offered me something at family gatherings… yeah i think that’s the reason i drink so much now

80. How many piercings do you have? I don’t like piercings for myself (i obviously don’t have a problem with other people having them) but i just think it’s an unnecessary way of mutilating yourself (i hate needles)

86. What are you allergic to? Ironically, I’m allergic to cats, even though i have 2. It comes and goes, and it’s not serious, i sneeze a lot, my eyes itch a little sometimes, but i’m willing to pay that price for my cats honestly

87. Do you keep a journal? I do, but it’s been months since i last wrote mainly because i always feel like shit after writing, so now i can’t bring myself to do it, that’s why i post so much about my personal life in here, because i’m not able to journal but i also don’t want to forget about what happens in my life

90. What makes you angry? Anger is a weird concept for me. I get angry very often, but I’m angry in general, not at anyone in particular, I just find myself unable to get mad at someone, the anger instantaneously turns into sadness, so I don’t know what’s worse. If I’m being mean to someone (most of the time my parents are the victims) it’s not because of them, I’m just angry for no reason and I just can’t keep being nice.

Hey congratualtions if you made it till the end, i was really bored so i answered a lot. Thanks for the message again 🐱🐱🐱🌳🌳🌳

#ask #mutuals #suspended-in-gaffa #long post #i'm so sorry these are all over the place #but ot was nice

[mandivsman-blog]

So, I came to the end of a situationship about a month ago with a man I realized I didn’t know at all. We were seeing each other for about 3 months and I would consider it long distance. Now, he did the classic “love bomb” (telling me he loved me right away, selling me all type of extravagant dreams, calling and leaving messages multiple times a day) a love avoidant technique and towards the end I found out he was deeply troubled, didn’t think he was, and was probably not going to change. He actually turned me OFF at first. I found him clingy but was simultaneously intrigued because I thought he was successful, well traveled, and thought we were looking for the same things word for word. Now, I’m not excusing my part in this. He was not my usual type and at the first sign of trouble I should have left. He was 40 years old, hundreds of sexual partners, never lived with someone, moved all over the country, single for multiple years, never had a long term relationship (2+), never stayed in one place for very long, had no sense of normalcy or routine, was very emotional but lacked empathy for others, and I got a sense he thought people were disposable. And, through all of those things, he was still just being who he was. Not good, not bad. Just him.

Why did I hang around? Well, what is the #1 thing that makes us attracted to another person?

Whether THEY’RE attracted to US. Yes, that’s right, if they like you, that’s half the attraction right there. He was a Casanova right away. Spoke beautifully, like a poem. He supposedly noticed and loved things in about me that I love about myself. He was externally successful, intellegent, funny, clever. We connected deeply on a sexual level as well. It was easy to open up about things I wanted and rarely shared. We had similar goals about the future.

See, it’s easy for a man to give me attention. I glamour/alternative model, sex positive, and extremely open but they don’t know me. They don’t know my past or my fears. Men tell me things all day, everyday. It’s easy for me to simply overlook because it’s the same words over and over. A man can look 10/10, be wealthy and fit and I will feel no sense of attraction. I have to hear the right words.

Words are meaningful but they lose their value if the actions aren’t parallel. This is where it sticky because the words vs. actions is a perception and thus subjective. One person may feel like their words match their actions perfectly yet the other person feels like they are doing they exact opposite. Is there really any objective truth?

Patterns. If it weren’t for recognizing patterns in science we wouldn’t have centuries of information that’s saved millions of lives and responsible for almost every innovation we have. There’s truth in patterns. He told me multiple stories and I noticed patterns. But, what is the truth? Was it my history of being scared of men and not trusting him that made me notice these patterns? Did they matter? And who should I ask for answers?

I choose not to be in a relationship for a long time. I was in a multiple year, live-in, serious relationship for most of my twenties with the only person I ever loved. The split was, in laymen’s terms, because I didn’t want to move forward and take our relationship seriously enough. This still haunts me some days, some days I think it was a blessing. I felt like a kid most of that relationship but I still remember how freeing and how fufilling full trust and endless love and affection was.

He loves me. He would never hurt me. He cares if I have a headache or a bad day. He makes me a priority. He wants to make me happy. He protects me.

And, In turn, I did the same plus more.

That relationship had been outgrown, unfortunately, and there was nothing him or I could do to stop it. He was air headed and light. Surface level. I am intense, quirky, horny, intense, highly-intelligent, inquisitive, complex. I take up space. I crave learning, doing, seeing, questioning. He liked watching TV.

After our split, I had a rough several years. I needed time to heal and figure things out. This time was the first time I truly spent time alone instead of jumping back in a relationship or dating. This is the best thing that I have ever done.

When a person goes from relationship to relationship, fuck to fuck, person to person, they just wind up mirroring their current partners personality instead of cultivating their own. Chamaeleon like. You need consist, heart wrenching, gut churning time alone. A person needs time to let their heartbreak, disappointed heal to change the essence of their character. This is growth. Jumping from one person to another is a distraction. It chips away. Now, I’m not talking about taking interest in your partners interests. I actually love that part of relationships because I love learning from my partners. I’m talking about melding your life with theirs and basically becoming your partner. 

Anyway, I kept on trying to break it off with this person. He was saying beautiful words but I could never feel comfortable with him. He was had no schedule and his stories didn’t match up. I would bring up inconsistencies but he would shrug them off.

Doubt began to built.

When we began seeing each other he did tell me there was some overlapping but about a month in I decided I didn’t want to see someone with that kind of baggage and tried to break it off. He told me, “I have no one else.” Now, it was just “I have no one else.” It was paragraph after paragraph. Phone call after phone call cementing the fact that there was no one else and he wanted me, was pursuing me, and saw a future with me.

But, that wasn’t the case.

He was still boo loving and fucking that girl. I asked him again and he finally told me the truth. A 24 year old girl (he’s 40), with severe co-dependent issues. He told me her current boyfriend (they’re in an open relationship)was older than him and basically controlled her whole life and didn’t treat her well. I felt for that, no one deserves that but hearing that he was OK with entering the life of that person who was extremely sick, and fucking her changed the way I looked at him. If he wanted to help her without the benefit of sex, that would be one thing. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could tell me the things he had said to me and blantantly lie to me.

Still I tried to make things work because I felt like we could have a great future together...and I just couldn’t fucking let that go...

He told me he would break it off. I asked “in person?” And he said “My therapist and I will decide.” This puzzled me and hurt me. After this situation caused so much drama between us, why add more strife? Remember how he thought she deserved a break up person when I tell you how he disrespectfully ended things with me...

And, I just want to add, if things hadn’t moved lightening fast between us, I would not have felt this way. I’ve been through similar situations with men I’ve cared for and have never been in as much pain as that betrayal made me feel. When clearing out my phone of anything regarding him, I deleted over 20 voicemails from him.

He told me “I don’t want to lose you. I’ve never met anybody like you and I’m scared I won’t again.”

Sounds like bullshit, I know, but everybody secretly wants to hear that from their partner. It felt so good. It felt like I found a friend and lover who had plenty of experience but out of all those women he picked me. We all want to believe that. We all play the fool sometimes.

Anyway, I was in rare form. Since the quarantine I had stopped taking my ADHD med bc of insurance issues which I really need for multiple things including mood, and focus, my mental health was declining, I was drinking a lot, I had little direction, and here this man comes along to swipe me off my feet. He had some extravagant baggage which, when I first heard, I was like “this is not my guy but fun for now”, but I grew to want to walk with him through his problems, grow with him, and nurture him. That’s who i am. The problem was, I couldn’t trust or forgive him. So, he wasn’t doing the actions needed to help restore trust. The second he hurt me and I started reacting, I could feel him start pulling away. He had multiple, heavy things going on and whether he wanted to build trust but couldn’t bc he was busy or he didn’t care to, I will never know.

I also was trying to connect with my absent father at the time which did not go well. I should have known better. Every time my father tries to reconnect with me, my life and psych gets flipped on it’s head because, he’s still the same man who abandoned my mother and I when I was a child. See, it would be different if he had done therapy or actually attempted to be a better human but he hasn’t. He just shows up periodically and says “forgive me.” And I’m not, “no, you selfish mother fucker, show me you’ve changed.” He can’t. He’s 50 years old and is who he is. He disturbs my life subconsciously and consciously. He is to me. I was having a this battle with my father and trying to make things work with my love interest...

But I couldn’t stop being angry with him. I couldn’t stop feeling stupid for trying to believe what he was trying me. I kept trying to break off the relationship like once a week. At the time, I really didn’t want to be with him. I felt disgusted with his character but breaking down the root of that action, I just wanted to manipulate him into comforting me.

How pathetic is that?

Such a hard pill to swallow for me. I didn’t have the tools to regulate my emotions and communicate what I needed. I didn’t have the balls to firmly let go of the relationship. I was miserable running in circles.

Now, this was the absolute wrong thing to do and definitely is emotional blackmail. I hated that I was doing it. It hurt me and weighed me down. The person I cared for was walking on eggshells. I was hurting the person I cared for and he was also hurting me.

When I would drink, I would have meltdowns. They weren’t funny or cute. They were hurtful and designed to cause pain. If we’re talking in self-help terms..every time I would feel triggered, my “pain body” or “shadow” would be stimulated and their main function is the cause damage and posing as a faux coping mechanism.

Painbody-“It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

I remember painbody being described in Eckort Tolle’s “The Power of Now” as “A lizard eating it’s own tail.” A pain that causes you to hurt people and that also hurts you to hurt people. I hadn’t been triggered like this is years. My mind forgot how to protect itself in a healthy way. I was just doing the best I could.

I met his parents and brother in Denver. This meant a lot to me because, for me, I would never introduce my mother to someone I wasn’t sure about. To me, that’s unfair to my mother to constantly bring man after man over for him to meet.

At this point, communication is declining, he’s trying to do the books for several businesses, meet up with friends, travel, and work...yet is trying to build a connection with me? It wasn’t the right time. I needed to feel like the person who supposedly “loved” me actually cared about integrating me into their life. We had nothing planned to see each other, he always made plans last minute. This was another big reason I couldn’t feel comfortable with him. He expected me to be completely on his schedule. Every time he would tell me, 5-7 ahead of the time he was free and I’d have to completely change my schedule for him. I would have to change plans with friends, family. I’d have to move shifts around at work and lose money. Also, he used to call me in the middle of the night and I would wake up and answer. During his all night shifts sometimes he would sometimes call me multiple times. I was so discombobulated. I was trying to be there for him. I wanted to be with him.

Last time I saw him I flew to Seattle. It was going fine until i asked whether he was still talking to that young girl. He said he had. He also acted like she had a family emergency and I was some monster for being upset about him talking to her. At that moment, I knew it wasn’t over between them. He was also showing me something on his phone and I held it a little closer to my face and he snatched the phone out of my hand. Both situations he convinced me I was wrong and should believe him despite his sneaky, withdrawn behavior. I had so much anxiety. I drank the rest of the weekend to try and calm down which had the opposite affect.

After I came home, We barely spoke. I tried to break it off with him twice. He send me a picture of him crying. I was sick. I couldn’t feel better. It had been so long since a man made me feel so small, so insignificant. Everything he said and did contradicted each other. What was the truth?

I began to not tell me friends anything because I was so embarrassed that I still stuck around. I don’t know why but I believed he was good. I believe he cared for me. I believed we could make it.

I went to a therapy appointment and laid everything out in a brutal 2 hour session. I was transparent because I knew I couldn’t figure this out without complete honesty. I called him crying, telling him I missed him and wanted to make this work. At this point, he seemed nonchalant. I think he probably was already seeing the girl again at this point bc he was completely different. That week he was working and barely spoke to me. He answered me hours later. He cared nothing for me. He was tired of my reactions and thought he was absent of responsibility for my behavior.

This made me feel desperate. Desperate for an answer, desperate for a reason. Desperate for the truth. I felt the pull of abandonment on my chest. I called him, he wouldn’t answer. I called again, he wouldn’t answer. This bothered him. When I would speak to him he would act annoyed with me like I was bothering him. Remember though, this man would call me 5-7 times a day, leave multiple messages, send pictures and videos all day long, and a week before this, send a picture of his ass crying. I have NEVER had such a piece of emotional manipulation sent to me IN MY LIFE. And just like that, he snatched all that back. It meant nothing.

I reached out one more time. I spilled my heart out. I said we could start over again. I had meant what I said. He sounded reluctant the whole time but eventually agreed. I promised that I was working daily on forgiving him and working to feel safe in my own body as to not project on him. It didn’t feel right. After this conversation I felt uneasy. I really thought “this is my person and I’m gonna have cute little, smart babies with him”, but at this point he made it seem like it was a competition. I knew there was other women, possibly multiple, I would knew I would never be happy not being the queen. I wouldn’t be able to respect him or look up to him. I knew he had no sense of loyalty and yet I still wanted to make it work. Him not having loyalty perplexed me because his parents are good people his and been together for years and years.

My phone rings at 2:30, I thought he was attempting to make more contact with me (bc that was one of the things I had said would make me feel comfortable) but he sounded weird. I asked “Why did you call me?” And, I don’t really remember what he said but, it was along the lines of “this is the way it is and I don’t wanna deal with it. This is not for me.” He broke things off with me. Then, to add insult to injury, he added “The man you end up with is going to be the happiest man in the world.” Man, stfu. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, never fucking do that. It’s just so shitty and pretentious. This is a pattern of his. He did it to someone else with me. But he felt the other woman deserved in person and I deserved a 2 minute fuck you phone call at 2:30 am. That being said, my guess is he tried to break it off with her but a. It was never completely broke off bc he’s not capable of making a firm decision and B. She’s young and naive so it’s easier not to be held accountable and she’ll be less likely to enforce her needs c. She’ll let him fuck who he wants bc she’s nonmonagomous. D. It’s a trauma bond. E. They lived in the same state. It was just so fucking obvious and I tried to force myself to ignore it.

Anyway, I said goodbye.....and went right the fuck back to sleep. I am not kidding when I say, the weight had been lifted right then and there. Sure, I was mad I was disrespected, lied to, and maltreated but the limbo and that weird feeling in my tummy was torturing me. I spent a week boohooing. I liked him, I missed him but, all in all it wasn’t that deep. I didn’t love him, I was ATTACHED to him. I wouldn’t have been attached to him if he didn’t sell me a dream.

I had screenshots of some of grandiose things he’s said to me and honestly, I just had to laugh. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe what people are capable of.

But, I’m giving myself a break. Since quarantine I’ve been through some changes. After the quarantine started, my yoga studio closed which I went to 5 days a week. I was also meditating at least 5 days a week.I feel like I was really happy and grounded. The difference between my psych then and now is profound. When I lost my job I couldn’t afford my ADHD med this summer so I had to abruptly stop it (Stratera) which definitely left me kind of out of sorts. I wasn’t working, I was alone, I was worried about money, I moved, my (absent) father was trying to come back into my life all while trying to take care of anyone and everyone I could because that’s just what I do. Also, I have a pattern of Rocky starts in relationships. I try to be who I am from the beginning, work things out, and then have a great rest of the relationship without waiting until 2 years in for you to find out that I’m awful. I’ve had good and bads experiences with this. 🤷🏼���♀️

I was stupid. I can’t even say I wont act stupid in another relationship again. I probably will because sometimes I suck and that’s okay.

To be continued and edited...

[wellsjahasghost]

JADE IDK IF YOU'RE STILL DOING THESE BUT I'd love bellarke + break-up but they have to pretend to be together at an event bc clarke hasn't told abby or whoever you want about it yet

so i’m not entirely sure this one makes a whole lot of sense BUT you asked for something angsty and i can assure you, there’s that (of the unresolved nature).

Bellamy’s standing by the bar at the wedding reception, lost in thought, when he feels a hand curl around his bicep.

He glances to the side, startled, only to see none other than his ex-girlfriend Clarke Griffin standing there, batting her big blue eyes at him. And his first reaction, despite the fact that they’ve been estranged for two years, is overwhelming fondness.

Outwardly, he raises his eyebrows at her flirtatious hand on his arm and without preamble says, “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

Her smile becomes razor sharp, but doesn’t drop. “My mom’s watching us.” Bellamy looks over her head. “To your nine o’clock.” He casually surveys the room and indeed, he spots the bride of the day approaching them in her resplendent green dress.

Bellamy looks back at Clarke. “You still haven’t told her we broke up?”

“No,” she hisses at his tone. “You know she likes you, for some reason.”

He ignores the barb. “Aren’t you dating someone right now?”

Abby Griffin gets within earshot before she can answer. “Bellamy,” she says warmly. “I’m so glad you could take the time off work to come for the wedding.”

He tries to make his returning smile genuine. Abby had taken years to warm up to him initially when he and Clarke started dating after high school, but once she did, she saw him like a son. However, it still puts him off a bit that she likes him. Especially with the fact that her daughter doesn’t, anymore.

“I couldn’t miss it,” he ends up replying, tugging on his collar. Clarke’s hand tightens on his arm as a warning; she recognizes the action as one of his nervous ticks. He drops his hand. “Besides, I’m here for Kane too.”

“Still.” Abby beams. “It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Clarke hasn’t brought you around since… well…” Her smile falters a bit. They all remember when Abby was on trial for the murder of her own husband; it had been high profile news back in the day, and the media had loved blowing up the drama of two married lawmakers. Luckily, the evidence had been shown to be weak and the charges dropped, but not before much heartache in the Griffin family.

Clarke presses against Bellamy’s side. “He’s here now.” Automatically, Bellamy turns and presses a kiss against Clarke’s hair, quick and chaste.

Abby’s smile returns. “It’s so wonderful to see you two still in love after all these years.” The glint in her eye turns mischievous at her daughter. “Who knows, maybe we’ll all be attending your wedding next.”

“I doubt it,” Bellamy says.

“What?”

“He said he doesn’t doubt it,” Clarke says smoothly, voice light. “I’m just waiting for him to propose.”

“What are you waiting for?” Abby laughs, giving Bellamy a glance.

He wraps his arm around Clarke’s waist. “The opportune moment,” he replies. A pang in his gut at the thought of a moment which will never come. It’s at least half his fault. The other half is Clarke’s boyfriend, the son of another high profile lawmaker.

Who isn’t here. Bellamy wishes he didn’t feel a bit of smugness about that.

“Let’s hope that moment comes soon,” Abby says with a wink, and just then someone taps on her shoulder, and she whirls around to be carried into another conversation. Bellamy settles back against the bar, expecting Clarke to leave. She doesn’t yet. She doesn’t let go of him.

He finds he doesn’t want to let go of her, either. At least right now, with the two of them leaning against the bar people-watching on this warm summer night, he can pretend that things are alright between them.

He takes a moment to side-eye her. She looks beautiful as always, wrapped up in a black dress hugging her curves, and her blonde waves hanging in ringlets framing her face. 

“Your mom looks happy,” he says, when she notices him looking.

Clarke leans against his chest. He can hear the joy in her voice. “I think she is happy. After everything that happened, with dad and the trial and all that… I wasn’t sure she’d be okay again.” Her voice sounds a little unsteady suddenly, and he runs a comforting hand up and down her side. It had been rough for her too. “But… Kane helped her through it. “

“Good.” He clears his throat, offering her a side-glance. “Are you?”

She turns her face up to look at him. “Am I what?”

“Happy.” He sounds gruff even to his own ears.

She stares at him. “My mom’s with me, instead of in prison for a crime she didn’t commit. She’s moved on with someone she loves. Why shouldn’t I be?”

It doesn’t sound like a rhetorical question. Her gaze is far too meaningful. He looks away, swirling the amber liquid in his glass.

Clarke’s not done. “Where’s your plus-one?”

Her way of asking if he’s dating anyone. “Don’t have one.” She seems to relax. He debates asking what he asks next, but oh, to hell with it, he’s curious too. “Where’s your boyfriend? Couldn’t make it, or didn’t invite him?”

Clarke shoots a glare at him and disentangles herself from him to ask for a drink from the bartender. When she returns, he says, “When are you going to tell your mom you’re dating someone new? Or are you just going to invite her to your wedding and say ‘surprise’?”

Clarke’s cheeks flush. “We’re not getting married. We’re barely even dating. Not even his dad knows yet.”

“Well, his dad’s an ass, I’m not surprised no one’s telling him.”

His voice is loud enough to carry; Clarke casts an anxious glance around before continuing.

“And I’m serious.” Something in her voice— it sounds like she’s struggling with words— makes him look at her. “I don’t know what you heard about us, but we’re… not a thing. Not really.”

Bellamy holds her gaze. He understands the shake in Clarke’s husky words. He understands why she grips the stem of her glass a little harder as she says them. Why her lips are parted waiting for his reply. Why she didn’t tell anyone on her side of the family two years ago that she and Bellamy had broken up.

He understands all these things, because he’s loved Clarke Griffin for over eight years. He knows her too well not to see what she’s trying to tell him.

Bellamy returns his studious gaze to his glass and lets a mocking smile twist his lips. “Well, when you two become a thing, be sure to send me an invite to the wedding.”

He hears Clarke’s sharp intake of breath beside him. Then she slams her glass on the counter of the bar.

“You’ll be lucky to get a toothpick in the mail from me,” she hisses.

He smiles, bitter and angry just like her. “I’ll look forward to it.”

She stomps away. He settles back against the bar.

Someone new sidles up to him. Bellamy knows who it is without looking.

“Long time no see, Bellamy Blake,” Cage Wallace says, and the sound of his voice makes his skin crawl. “How’ve you been?”

Bellamy tosses back what remains of his drink and puts it down on the counter right beside Clarke’s. “What do you want?” He turns to look at Cage.

Cage is leaning against the bar, smirking, sinister. Bellamy hates him. Wishes he’d never met him— he remembers that day vividly.

It was when Clarke’s mother was still going to trial for the death of Jake Griffin. At that time, the situation was serious. Abby Griffin was probably going to prison. Bellamy had spent a lot of time with the Griffins during that period, trying to be there for Clarke and her family just like they had always been there for him. It was a week before the trial when there were many people at their household, and he was in the kitchen, filling up a glass of water for Clarke, when he heard Cage Wallace walk in.

All he knew about the man at the time was that he was a Senator, and the father of one of Clarke’s friends. So he didn’t say anything. It was Cage who spoke first, as he rooted around in the fridge.

“Sad, this whole business, isn’t it,” he said. “There’s not enough evidence to support Abby’s alibi.”

Bellamy looked up and nodded. He meant to leave after that. He should’ve. But then Cage spoke again as he straightened, voice casual but soft enough that it didn’t carry.

“I have that evidence.”

Bellamy paused. But Cage was just staring at him, eyes glittering in the kitchen lights.

“Then use it,” Bellamy says slowly.

“I will.” Cage crosses his arms. “But first I need you to do something for me.”

Bellamy had blinked. He didn’t even know this man. Never spoke a word to him in his life. “Me?”

“You,” Cage echoed softly, and pushed off the counter to walk closer. “See, I have a problem. When my mother passed, she left a huge inheritance for my son, to be given to him if he got married before the age of thirty. He’s twenty-six now.”

Bellamy watched the man warily.

“And if he doesn’t get married before he’s thirty, that money goes off to charity. You see my problem here, Bellamy?”

Bellamy didn’t answer. It seemed to have been a rhetorical question anyway, because Cage kept going with hardly a pause. “I’ve tried to introduce him to people. But he’s been enamoured with this one girl for years. And the problem is, this girl doesn’t even see him, because she’s off spreading her legs for you.”

Bellamy moved forward without even thinking, blinded by sudden rage, but Cage held up a hand.

“Ah, ah, ah.”

Bellamy glared. His hands were balled into fists. But as satisfying as it might have been to hit him, that would cause a commotion, and the Griffins had enough to deal with. He settled for gritting out, “Don’t talk about her that way.”

“See, this is great. You care about Clarke,” Cage replied. “You really do. I notice that. That’s why I’m giving you this deal, Bellamy. You make Clarke, ah, available, and I release the evidence that makes her mother a free woman. Abby’s happy, my son’s happy, I’m happy, and you’re happy, because Clarke is happy.”

“You have got to be joking.”

���I’m not.” He smiled then, and the effect was terrifying. “I also have the power to make Abby’s situation worse, you know. The death penalty still exists in this state.”

“You piece of shit,” Bellamy ground out, disbelieving. Cage Wallace had been a mainstay in the Griffins’ social circle for years, and now he was talking about the death penalty without so much as a glint of remorse. Clarke was fragile enough with her father’s sudden death, he couldn’t even imagine her reaction if faced with the possibility of her mother’s too.

Cage just reached out to pat him on the shoulder. “Just think about it, kid. Besides, you and a Senator’s daughter? That’s never going to work out. Might as well cut your losses early.” And then he left the kitchen, whistling a tune under his breath, and leaving Bellamy to stand there for a long time.

—

Presently, Bellamy wants to hurt Cage as much as the man has hurt him. He says, “I wouldn’t hold your breath for your son and Clarke getting married. You’re never getting your hands on that inheritance.”

Cage stiffens slightly. “They’re together.”

Bellamy shrugs. “But apparently your son hasn’t even told you that yet.”

“Well, he doesn’t have to. It’s obvious. There’s still time,” Cage says. “Two years, in fact. That’s more than enough.”

Bellamy doesn’t reply. The thing is, it is enough time. Clarke’s boyfriend, unlike his father Cage here, is a genuinely good man. He’d always been; they’d all known each other since they were kids. And despite Clarke’s words, Bellamy knows she likes him well enough. She’s dating him, after all. 

He can see it all happening, this future unfolding, right in his mind’s eye.

It hurts. He’s bitter on the inside and out. “Can’t wait until the day Clarke finds out what you did.”

Cage gives him a calm look. “She never will, will she?”

“Maybe I’ll let it slip.”

“Then I’d be careful how much you drink, Bellamy. I still have influence around here, remember?”

Bellamy says nothing, though his hands ball up into fists.

Cage’s voice is low as he reminds him, “I can make Clarke’s mother’s court case come back up if I really wanted to. Or have your dear little sister put on the blacklist for every academic institution in this country. Or maybe, if I really feel like you’re showing up too often in Clarke’s life, maybe even on purpose, well, let’s just hope nothing… unfortunate happens to her.”

He’s heard these threats a thousand times, but they still terrify him. “I’m not here for Clarke,” he says tightly. “I was invited by Kane. He would’ve known something was off if I didn’t–”

“I know,” Cage says soothingly. “It’s alright, this time.”

Bellamy hates him so much he can’t breathe. He looks away from the man, only to find Abby watching them from a distant table.

Cage has noticed too, and a friendly smile has returned to his face. Always putting on a good show. He extends a jovial hand for Bellamy to shake.

“I’m glad to hear our deal is still in place.”

Bellamy grips Cage’s hand as hard as he can and smiles with all his teeth. “Go to hell.”

Cage laughs under his breath, and pats his shoulder again. “That’s a good boy.” Then he walks away. Bellamy’s only satisfaction in that moment is watching the other man flex his hand as he strolls off.

The satisfaction wears off when his gaze shifts back to the table Abby’s sitting at. Clarke is there, too, gazing at him, but once he meets her eyes she looks away. Now he just feels tired. Suddenly all he wants is to go home.

His feet take him to Clarke instead.

He knows she can feel him approaching, but she ignores him, at least until he stands beside her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“I have to go now,” he says to her, and Abby looks up from her conversation.

“So soon?”

“I have a flight early tomorrow.” He pauses, looks down at the top of Clarke’s head. This is the part where she would smile and get up to kiss him for her mother’s benefit. This is the part where she, and he, pretend everything is alright. The moment where Bellamy can feel some small drop of undeserved happiness, knowing Cage Wallace is unlikely to get what he wants.

But Clarke doesn’t move from her chair. “Okay,” she says. “Have a safe flight.” She reaches back to pat his arm. Abby’s expression shifts to confusion when Clarke does nothing else, but Clarke ignores it. She’s still as a statue. 

Bellamy suspects she’s close to tears.

A lump grows in his throat. He kneels at the side of Clarke’s chair, keenly aware that the eyes of everyone at the table are on them, and not caring.

“I’ll miss you,” he tells her softly. Her eyes are bright and shiny as she turns towards him. He takes her hand, where it rests in her lap, and with the other, he brushes her hair away from her cheek. Her eyes fall shut at the contact.

He means to say his next words lightly, casually as one partner says it to the other in public, but they tremble instead: “I love you.”

Clarke opens her eyes and searches his for a long moment before replying, “I love you too.”

The people at the table ooh and aww at their exchange. But Bellamy only has eyes for his best friend, the love of his life, the one who he always knew he would give up anything for, and now he’s proving it.

He squeezes her hand before releasing her and standing. “Enjoy the rest of the party.” He throws a smile back at Clarke’s mother.

He starts to walk away, but not before Clarke’s voice rings out.

“Bellamy.”

He turns back. She’s stood up from the table, followed him the few paces that took them away from the table. Her eyes are wide. She’s biting her lip. Then she says, hesitant, “I didn’t mean what I said before. If… down the road…” She swallows and changes tack. “We could always be friends, at least, right?”

The words wouldn’t make sense to the others listening in. But he understands them, from their earlier conversation. 

Bellamy smiles softly and nods; it’s convincing enough, he thinks, that Clarke wouldn’t be able to tell that his heart is shattering. He can feel Cage Wallace watching them. So when Clarke smiles tentatively back, he turns on the heel and really walks away.

Before leaving the reception, he goes to the washroom to splash water on his face. And when he comes out, he searches for Clarke in the crowd one last time, because he’s weak.

She’s still at the table he left her at, cheeks flushed as she laughs with friends mid-conversation. Happy, he thinks, is the word to describe her in this moment. The way he always wanted her to be.

Bellamy turns and melts away into the shadows.

EDIT 06/03/2018: now with a part two! 

#bellarke #the 100 #bellarke fanfiction #drabble #jade writes #my bellarke fic #jades 4k #hope u like it ALICE #youvegotsuchabigheart #answered #also this is highkey unresolved angst just as a warning...