#i think I’m going to try bumble bff just too try and make some friends | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aal-archaeology · 3 years

Text

Summary of my first term of my Ph.D. at Stanford during a global pandemic and an extremely controversial election year (Anthropology, yr. 1, she/they, 25y/o) with some toggl data analysis

Well this year was a doozy if I don’t say so myself. But we survived it, and its okay if that’s all you were able to do this year because that’s enough. As an offical 18th grader, I feel like I can speak pretty well to the toxicity of the academic environment. There is always a pressure to be working all of the time, people compete with each other with how few hours of sleep they got, every conversation with fellow students is just listing off all of the different assignemnts you have to do by the end of the week. On top of all of this, this is 2020. So, I decided that this year I’m going to give myself some mental slack.

I decided that this is the year that I’m not going to try to impress anyone. I’m just going to survive and do what I have to do to move onto the next term. I think I did a pretty good job at that for the first term, so I’ll share a bit about what I observed in myself and those in my cohort. Coming into term one having to choose classes, many of my peers were packing their schedules full of 5 Unit seminars. For those who don’t know, theoretically, a 5 Unit course is supposed to take about 5-6 hours of work outside of class hours. For Stanford Anthropology, most PhD students take as close as they can to 18 credits, and anything over that you have to pay extra for the courses. Taking more courses doesn’t really put you any further ahead in terms of completing your degree, and you’re expected to complete about 45 Units each year for the first two years of the program.

I decided to take 2 seminars (typical), a language course, and a couple filler credits that we are given the option to use if we need 1-3 units to hit 18 total. I, fortunately, tracked every hour spent outside of the classroom working on each course using toggl (i highly reccomend):

In a typical week, I spent about 5-6 hours/week outside of class on my Anthro seminars, and about 6-7 hours on Japanese. Japanese was a “for-fun” class so I would usually study more of that when I didn’t feel like reading dense archaeological theory.

Toggl was a really cool way to see where I was spending too much, or not enough, time on my classwork. If it was taking me more than 1.5 hours to get through a single article, I knew I was probably spending too much time on it and should move on to the next thing. My goal for the term was to stay true to the 5 Unit idea of 5-6 hours, and not over-work myself.

Toggl was also useful in tracking my mental health throughout the term, as it is very obvious to see when I just was not physically capable of ingesting 400 pages of reading. For example, election week:

Election week was really hard for me, and everyone else in the world honestly. I had various family things I was dealing with, typical existential dread, plus it was week 8-ish of the term when everything was already on fire in terms of workload. For one of my seminars (purple), we had to read a book for the following week which I was able to do the sundar after election day. However, for the days leading up to and surrounding the 4th, the only thing I could mentally handle was mindless Japanese vocab studying. One of my seminars really sufferend this week, and I straight up just didnt show up to the smaller Anth 310G class because I had only read the title of the pdf. Fortunately, I emailed my professor of my Theory class and was like “yo dude I cannot” and he replied that he understood and wouldnt call on me during that day of class.

I didn’t do a whole lot of journalling at all this term, but for this week I just wrote “pain” on most days and then YAY BIDEN at the end of it.

Weekly Schedule

Above is what a typical week looked like, some were a lot lot lot more dense, others not so much, but this was pretty average. Not all things on the calendar are work related, some are extra lectures from visiting professors that sounded interesting, or “Free Boba & Snacks Pick Up” put on by my residence. Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday were my big work days last term, where I didn’t have a whole lot of classes so I would do most of my reading then. On Tues and Thurs I had one 3-hour seminar, and M-F I had a 50 min Japanese class.

I woke up every day around 7am-ish, made a green tea, and sat at the computer to work, filter through emails, etc. On particularily open days I would go grocery shopping, go for bike rides/walks around campus, go buy food/boba.

On class-heavy days, I wouldn’t leave my computer for 8-12 hours, which is extremely ridiculous but that’s the new norm in school in 2020. This kind of stunk because all of the socializing was also on the computer, so even if I wasn’t working I was doing screen related things.

EVERY day I stopped working at 6pm. Rarely did I do readings past 6pm unless I was really slacking somewhere. From 6pm onwards I would do things like play Among Us or League of Legends with my discord friends, eat, watch movies with my partner, etc. And then most nights I would try to be in bed by 12am at the latest.

Social Life

Despite the online nature of things this term, I was suprisingly able to meet a lot of great people on campus. We were all being tested at least once a week, which made in person gatherings with 1-4 people a little less scary, especially when half of the people lived together in one household.

In the first week of school, some of the grad programs put on a “speed friending” zoom event, where I was able to connect with two people really well. We ended up doing a “slow-friending” zoom event afterwards and then created a FB group chat and added all of the people we had met into it. The group ended up being about 15 people, and we would message the group for park hangouts, going to get food, or going on walks on campus. We also had a huge get together in a park for Mid-Autumn Festival, where we sat in a socially distanced circle, chatted, and ate mooncakes.

Most of my socializing came from my online friends, and amongus was a huge savior to my mental health this term wher emy group would play literally every night. I also made a really good friend off of Bumble BFF this term, who I’ve hung out with a good amount for plant shopping and board games.

I’m very fortunate to be in a situation where I can get tested for COVID on a days notice, and very grateful that I could use that to stay a little sane. My Biggest Accomplishment this term, was not school related. but instead I hit my 365 DAY STREAK on duolingo. This was celebrated with cake. This streak has lived through literal hell and for that I am very proud.

Overall reflection:

This term was super rough, there were a lot of days where I just napped through it and a lot of days where I couldn’t bring myself to do any work. However, I think the courseload that I took was very manageable and I’m going to continue to go light on myself in that regard.

I really liked the boundaries that I set for myself this term, not working after 6pm and making time to do some fun things in the midst of chaos. I never felt like I was too far behind on work, or that I wasn’t doing enough, because I had a literal reminder in front of me that I had already put x amount of hours into something with toggl.

Sometimes in class I would feel like I didn’t know how to productively contribute to conversation, but I think thats a skill that will get better over time and not being so great at it should especially be expected in the first term of a program.

Socially I met a lot of wonderful people who also made me feel more comfortable will myself. I started using She/They pronouns which feel really comforting to me. I made a lot of little origami cranes every time I was feeling sad. I drank a lot of boba. Watched a lot of She Ra. Played a lot of games. It all ended up being okay despite the weight of everything around me.

I’m proud of all of you for making it through this year, I know it was really difficult for a lot of people in more ways than it was for me, but we’re still here! Sometimes all you can do it make it to the next day and thats such a big accomplishment on its own. Please feel free to reach out with any questions about time-management, toggl, phd stuff in general, archaeology, etc! Always happy to help out. :’) Thanks for reading! Lyss

45 notes · View notes

apptg554 · 3 years

Text

Friends First Dating App

Bumble is a dating app that allows you to make new connections, whether you’re looking for a partner, to make new friends, or to expand your professional network. Making the first move on Bumble could change your life! DISCOVER OUR AMAZING FEATURES. Top Filters: Find your right date or next BFF and get an unforgettable first online encounter. Nov 18, 2020 The female-centric Bumble dating app burst onto the scene in 2014. Since then, the founder has launched the buzzy BFF mode as a way for women to meet women simply wanting friends. And though the swipe-happy app is a hit with younger millennials, there are success stories belonging to those born before the early ‘80s.

Friends First Approach To Dating

Is Bumble For Friends Or Dating

Dating is fun and all, but group dates are in again these days, too, especially with all the group dating apps out there. Not only do group dates take away from the pressure of one-on-one dates, but they’re also fun. Several brains are better than one, right? You may think you know all the local hot spots, but once you start a group chat in an app, you’ll soon realize the possibilities are endless. Plus, plenty can be social and not date-y, if that’s more your thing.

And, no two social/group dating apps are quite the same. After all, in general, there seem to be dating apps catered to everyone — adventure-seekers and travelers (like MeetMeOutside), ones where heterosexual women need to make the first move (like Bumble), and even ones for beard-lovers (like Bristlr), to name a few — and such is the case when it comes to group social outings, too.

Some only give you a limited amount of time, like 24 hours, to make plans while others coordinate the date for you — all you need to do is show up. Simple enough, huh? And others even include your first round of drinks. Sign. Me. Up.

Here are some social/group dating apps you need to try — so you can no longer make excuses that there’s no one around to go out with.

Check out Bustle's 'Save The Date' and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

1. Tinder Social

Now, you can go on group dates and outings via Tinder Social. Looking for a fun night out? Just create a group (which looks a lot like a group text) and an activity to do, like hitting up that new bar in Midtown. Even though you can only be in one group at a time, it’s NBD — your group expires at noon the next day anyway.

It’s perfect for making last-minute plans tonight. Plus, you can go back and forth in your settings between being on Tinder solely to date, one-on-one, and Tinder Social. Or, if you’re like me and are already coupled up, you and your bae can go on Tinder just for the social aspect.

2. Squad

With Squad, you pick up to five Facebook friends to be part of your “squad,” which you can switch up anytime. Plus, you can also have multiple squads. You create a group name and tagline, the latter meaning your goal — going to such-and-such bar tonight or a Mets game this weekend. Then, check out other squads and let the swiping left or right begin. Once you match with another squad, you have 24 hours to message and make plans. Oh, and instead of a bio, you describe yourself via three emojis (and you can still write a bio if you so choose) — which is awesome and so 2016.

3. Grouper

With Grouper, you anonymously pick out friends-of-friends to meet IRL. If you mutually match, the app plans a “Grouper” for you — drinks between their friends and your friends. Plus, there is no messaging when you use Grouper. None! The app does all the work for you: time, place, and coordinating with everyone involved. The best part? It’s about friends meeting up with friends. “Dating” does not even have to be part of it, though if you do find you have a love connection with a friend-of-a-friend, it’s pretty great (like having a letter of recommendation, of sorts).

4. CLIQ

Let’s say you and a couple friends want to meet some new people IRL. Just log onto CLIQ and then you can match with another group of friends. First, you’ll choose some topics you’re interested in. Then, the app will take it from there and send you “Goodies” based on your interests and suggest places for you to check out. Via “Huddle,” you can also chat with members of your CLIQ privately. With the app, CLIQs can also choose not to be private and post status updates, pics, videos, and location posts, so followers can see what you have going on and where.

5. Entourage

First, choose one or two friends and start a group with them. Then, the app suggests nearby groups to you and you can “like” or “pass.” When you and another group match, you can start up a group chat. Then, let the planning-to-meet-IRL begin. The only downside? Currently, Entourage is only available in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and San Francisco, but let’s be optimistic that it’ll expand to more cities soon enough.

6. Cheers

Cheers, formerly known as Who’s That, is a social app that connects you to people at over 30 Boston-area bars. The company recently rebranded and also formed a partnership with Absolut Elyx, Absolut’s new luxury vodka — and continues to have a partnership with Fireball Whiskey, as well. With the app, you create a group with friends and swipe through other groups going out in your city. When you see people you want to get drinks with, tap “Cheers.” Like other swiping apps, you get a match when there’s mutual interest. Then, “Pick a Place” in the conversation to meet for drinks. Your concierge will make a reservation and you’ll get the first round of drinks free. Yep, free. So easy. (Though I hope it expands to other cities, too.)

Images: Fotolia, Tinder, Squad, Grouper, CLIQ, Entourage, Cheers

Whether you’re looking for true love or a quick hookup, dating apps have become the go-to for finding what you’re craving. But what about friends? After using Tinder and OKCupid for dating, I was actually more interested in finding new pals and I figured I could keep using the same tools but with a different purpose.

I’m open to love but not looking for it. I’m taking a very chill approach to new relationships these days, preferring to let the right connection come to me rather than chasing it. That said, I’ve always found dating apps really interesting and I love dating, so even though I’m not looking for romance, I still enjoy that aspect of it. Why not keep the parts of dating I enjoy and use the same approach to simply find cool people to hang with?

I’m upfront about it. I state in my profile that I’m looking for friendship so it’s clear to anyone perusing my stats what I’m open to. I also make sure to talk about it explicitly before I meet anyone in person. A dating site isn’t the typical place for people to find platonic connections, so I make sure I’m upfront about it. I have no interest in leading people on.

Friendship is more important to me than partnership. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in a relationship, but the older I get, the more I realize that a solid network of good friends is much more important. I want to have a community of amazing people around me more than I want to find “The One.” I’ve spent way too much time giving up my friendships for the sake of whichever relationship I was in at the time. Now it’s time to start putting friendship first.

An online connection doesn’t mean a real-life romance. Even if I meet someone online who I think could be an incredible partner, you never know until you’ve actually met them. I’ve met a few guys who, on paper and from our messages, seemed like real keepers, only to find there was no chemistry in real life. In those situations, I was open to keeping them as friends rather than scrapping all that potential because the spark of romance wasn’t there.

Friends First Approach To Dating

Not everyone has the same idea. Unfortunately, some people aren’t into it. Some of those dudes just dropped off the face of the earth when they realized I wasn’t interested romantically. I get it, they were looking for something specific and I just wasn’t on board. To me though, it just seems like a shame to shut off the possibility of platonic connection just because I wasn’t DTF.

It’s hit and miss. Just like searching for real-life romance through a screen doesn’t guarantee a connection, neither does looking for friends. I love dating because it’s an opportunity to meet an entirely new human being and friendship dating is no different. That said, some people just do not fit together and there’s a lot of time spent awkwardly sipping coffee over a forced conversation, calculating how many minutes until I can politely exit the interaction.

I’ve had some weird dates come out of it. Even if I say on my profile that I’m looking for friends, and even if that’s explicitly stated before we meet, there are still some people who equate dating apps with, well, dating. On the one hand, that’s totally fair enough. On the other hand, we’re all adults here and we (hopefully) all understand the concept of consent. When one of us is looking for friendship and the other is only interested in hooking up, nobody wins.

If we can use apps for romance, why not for friendship? We’re living in a world that is steadily becoming more and more digitized and if we can use technology to find our soulmates, why can’t we do the same to find friends? There’s an app for that, right? The social stigma around online dating has pretty much disappeared, but when I tell people I find friends online, I still get some funny looks.

Is Bumble For Friends Or Dating

The tech world is catching on. For a hot minute, Tinder launched a version of the app created for exactly this purpose. Unfortunately, the idea tanked, probably because as a hook-up app, it’s not particularly geared towards meaningful connections. Nevertheless, there are a bunch of other apps that are designed for exactly that market if, like me, you’re not opposed to finding cool people through the power of the internet.

“Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome gecoach o”n text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

1 note · View note

wildshub · 3 years

Photo

WHO: The Fearless Fifteen + Jillian Golding (NPC) WHAT: Jillian’s Death and the girls’ reaction to it. WHEN: Day 1, Evening NOTE: Just posting for record and so it’s easier to refer back to.

Jillian "Can you guys get your shit together? Jesus. I need to piss. You all better not still be bitching at each other when I get back.” Jillian barely gets five feet away from the group before she clutches her side and falls to the sand. The pain she had assumed was nothing was anything but.

Shane shane rolled her eyes as jillian barked orders at them again. it's not like she and jocelyn didn't do most of the work setting up camp or anything. "getting real sick of this bitch," she muttered to no one in particular, not even realizing that as she said it, the girl collapsed to the ground.

Divya Hearing a noise behind her, Divya turned to look over her shoulder, wondering what the thud was. “Um– shit.” Divya stared at Jillian’s body in horror before calling out to get the rest of the group’s attention. “Guys!” She stood up and went over.

Reyna reyna only glanced over briefly when shane spoke. having to actually pay attention when divya spoke was but a mild inconvenience. she got to her feet and stared, mouth hanging open slightly. "well fuck, did you hex her or something?"

Oona Oona followed Divya’s gaze but felt frozen where she sat, even as Divya got to her feet. “Jillian?” She called out shakily, struck frantic and unhelpful by the sight of Jillian’s body in a heap on the sand.

Divya "Hex her?” Divya repeated incredulously. Like witchcraft? Divya thought as she came up to Jillian’s body. “Jill?” She asked. “Mate?” She knelt down to the sand and patted her on the back. No reaction. “Jillian?”

Shane shane's head spun around at everyone's commotion. "shit, i wasn't serious!" she jumped up and followed everyone over to where jillian fell. "is she breathing?"

Reyna reyna had been kidding, mostly because she thought jillian was just being annoying. apparently not. she got up slowly and walked over to the fallen body. she knelt down to check her pulse. her expression said enough.

Oona Oona's fingers curled around her knees, squeezing hard. She could just make out the expressions of those kneeling around Jillian and her heart jolted. "What's wrong with her?" She called out, finally getting to her feet. "Someone... Hold your hand in front of her mouth. Can you feel her breath?"

Joss Still relatively desperate for the cheerleader's approval, Jocelyn kept an eye on Jill, even after the other's had largely started to ignore her, after she'd dismissed them so rudely. "Oh fuckin' hell" Joss cursed, pulling the collar of her sweatshirt up over her nose as she stood around uselessly, in a panic. She watched the other girls gather to aid their fallen comrade while Joss shifted her feet, stepping no more than a couple of feet in any direction doing nothing. "Did anyone else drink that bloody strawberry shit?" she finally spat out, lowering her sweatshirt from her mouth, ready to come to terms with the fact that she may have accidentally poisoned her new BFF.

Reyna with only some hesitation, she shoved jillian's body over so she was properly lying flat on her back. was no one willing to say it out loud? she didn't want to be the one to do it, so she checked again, pressing two fingers to the girl's neck and then to her wrist. "she's dead." in her shock, she didn't even think of doing cpr. reyna moved back, getting back to her feet. the only thing she could thing about was the fact she'd touched a corpse. "you seriously think you killed her?" she asked jocelyn flatly.

Divya Dead? Divya gulped. Her throat felt tight. Even after Reyna had rolled her over, she looked down at Jillian’s immobile body hoping this was just a massive prank. “Jill..?” She whispered and gave the blonde’s shoulder a small push with the tips of her fingers hoping that would finally get a reaction but it didn’t. No... She thought she’d give Oona’s instruction a go. Hesitantly, she reached over and brought her shaky palm to Jill’s lips. “Uhhh... what is not breathing supposed to feel like?” She asked out loud.

Joss "Oi, what the fuck?" Jocelyn practically squeaked at Reyna's line of questioning, feeling like she was already being accused of something terrible. Instinctively, she threw her hands in the air, palms open in surrender, "Of course I didn't fuckin' kill her- We were friends," she hesitated a moment, "Are friends" she corrected herself, a sick feeling rising in her stomach. "Yeah, fuck this," she spat out a moment, later, lowering her hands from their raised position and walking away from the group to catch her breath while Divya and Oona performed a seemingly useless vitals check.

Shane shane stood, watching all the girls frantically figure out what to do before joss snapped at reyna and went off. "joss, calm down, where are you going?" she called out to her. seeing the others seemingly giving up on her literally seconds after she dropped, shane went over and got down on her knees. "move over, don't you guys know cpr?" she asked no on in particular before she started doing chest compression. but the only time shane had done this was on a dummy a few years ago, she wasn't even sure if she was pressing hard enough. as much as she hated jillian, she didn't want her to die in this place.

Oona Oona’s mouth opened then closed uselessly as she fell on her knees beside Divya. Not breathing felt a lot like what it sounded like, and she didn’t know how to say that without giving in and accepting what had already been announced: Jillian was dead. Don’t you guys know CPR? Technically speaking, Oona had been taught CPR in health class but every step seemed too puff out of her brain when faced with a real emergency. She inhaled sharply as Shane started the compressions. “I—” She was useless. She turned to Joss' retreating back. “Joss? Take a deep breaths.”

Reyna once upon a time reyna had wanted to be a doctor, but now she was staring at her hands with nothing but disgust. not feeling a pulse, knowing jillian was just a body - or had been, or was. she looked up when shane positioned herself over the body. "you have to-" her voice stuck in her throat. "you have to move your compressions up or you'll break her ribs." she didn't care about what was going on with jocelyn. she wasn't dying.

Joss Jocelyn had barely moved a few feet away before she was drawn back to the group by the sound of her own name from Shane and Clogs. "I'm not gonna stand around and-" she was cut off by the sound of Reyna's voice, her warning. Her ribs. Jill had been clutching her side, just like Cloggy had been except Jill's hadn't gone away, it was more than just a temporary stich. "Hang on, hang on," she insisted quickly, dropping to her knees beside Shane and lifting Jillian's shirt, revealing an unsightly palette of blues, yellows and purples on her skin. She gulped at the sight of the injury. It was clear to her that broken ribs was perhaps the least of Jillian's worries.

Shane shane looked up when reyna pointed out that she needed to move her hands up more. she was probably right, shane hadn't done this in a while. pausing for a second, shane shifted her hands up jillian's chest more before continuing. which was when jocelyn rejoined the group and pulled up her shirt. her compression slowed for a second before finally stopping all together. "wait- was she... bleeding internally all day?" she looked up at divya, wondering if she noticed anything strange about her. well, stranger than her mega bitch attitude.

Divya Divya bumbled to her feet and moved away when Shane stepped in, backing slowly with shaky breaths and unstill hands as she watched the other perform CPR on the blonde. Shit, shit, shit. This all felt like way too much. Instead of do something remotely useful like try and see what was going on with Joss like Oona had or start chest compressions like Shane, she was just standing there like a bloody idiot. She couldn’t even answer promptly when Shane asked her a question. A slightly delay before she answered, “I– I don’t know,” she sputtered. She recalled all of the times throughout the day she asked Jillian if she was alright. She usually got a curt fine and other times was just brushed off. The last time she asked, Jill had snapped and said I swear to God if you ask one more time. "She said she was fine..."

Cora It's too late. CPR isn't normally even effective unless you get ambulance help quickly... Cora stared, more still and silent than she'd been since they'd washed up on this godforsaken island. She's dead. She's dead. It's too late. She won't wake up. Everyone else seemed to be doing something. But all Cora could do right now was stare. She felt sick, and for once she didn't think it was anything to do with the dizzying injury on her head. No, it had far more to do with the memories she couldn't get rid of, the ones that threatened to overwhelm her. She stared and though she was looking at Jillian and the girls trying to save her, she saw another body. Saw herself, begging in vain, crying. Pushing her sister from the room before she could see. Cora knew what death looked like. "It's too late. She's dead." Her voice wasn't loud, her tone was flat. But she was certain. "Her injuries. They're too bad, we can't save her. She's dead."

Reyna "idiots," reyna grumbled under her breath. she couldn't exactly justify the holier-than-thou attitude she had adopted since she had been mentally checked out and unhelpful for the better part of the day, but it was still there. she still stood a few feet from the body, not daring to go near it again. she didn't have it in her to mourn, faced with death she was closed off and angry. why did bad things have to happen to her? why did death follow her around? i already said that. no one cared, she thought ruefully. "so... what are we supposed to do?" she asked. "bury her? throw her in the ocean?" something more gruesome came to mind and she felt like she might through up. her eyes turned skyward — would they be saved?

Joss The blonde inhaled sharply before turning over her shoulder to address Reyna directly, "You reckon you could shut the fuck up for like, two seconds?" she asked rhetorically, her words dripping with venom as they left her lips. The way Reyna had spoken to Joss earlier was one thing, the way she was speaking about a girl who had just died right in front of them was another and she had no patience for it whatsoever. She looked back at Jillian then, gently lowering her shirt out of respect, unsure of what else she could do to aid the poor girl.

Cora In the back of her mind, Cora was half impressed at Wesley's tone. But despite her callousness, Reyna was right. "Bury her. We don't know what is on the island with us. If there's predators... It'll bring them here." She sounded cold, heartless. But it was true. Cora finally looked up, looking at Wesley. Her panic, her anger, her loss of what to do. It was all too familiar. "Besides, we can't just leave her here either."

Oona Oona’s dad hunted, so she’d seen shot-down deer and their empty, dark eyes, and while it made her sick to her stomach she could stomach it. But a human body was something different. She knew this human’s name. She was called Jillian and she pulled Oona out of the ocean. Until now, everyone’s survival had seemed like the best of omens. If they could survive that—all of them—then they could survive what came next until rescue. She tried to drown out the mutterings and arguments of the other girls, and tried to swallow this new reality, and as Joss lowered Jillian’s shirt back down, Oona reached out and closed her eyes. It made it look she might’ve been sleeping. "I agree with Cora," she said, though the logic of it all almost seemed inhumane and her heart clenched as she looked down at Jillian's face. But they did have to be logical about it. "Not too close to the ocean. The waves might... wash away the sand and unbury her or something, right?"

Reyna reyna was fully aware that she sounded harsh, but she also knew she was right. a glare at joss was sufficient enough for the time being. she did, however, shut the fuck up for all of thirty seconds. "maybe the top of the beach," she suggested. "anyone have something hard we can shovel with?"

Divya “So, we need to– to move her is what you’re saying?” A redundant question but one she just felt like she had to ask. Maybe saying it out loud would help her come to terms with the reality. Divya blinked, tears rolling down her eyes as she did so. She sniffled, bringing a hand up to wipe the wetness on her cheek away. “How are we going to do this?”

Cora "Yes. We need to move her. We don't know how high the tide is here." There would be signs, but Cora couldn't remember them right now. Her head was spinning faster and faster. "We might just have to dig with our hands." Really turning the childhood games of digging massive holes--even burying yourself in them--into things she did not want to think about. Again. "But further up is better."

Joss Joss glanced at Shane briefly; she had done a lot of inflating and flexing in an effort to claim her stake as the alpha soccer captain in the group. She realised that all it has really done now was advertise that she and her athletic counterpart were perhaps the best for the job of lugging Jillian down the beach.

Reyna there was some guilt, but mostly reyna was just trying to be practical. it had yet to sink in that jill was actually a person and not just now, for want of a better description, dead weight. couldn't she have dropped down somewhere more convenient- closer to the jungle perhaps? reluctantly she suggested, "a gravediggers team and a moving team?"

Shane shane ran her hand through her hair as everyone started trying to make a plan for what to do with jillian's body. she finally just up from where she was kneeling next to her and took a step backwards, sucking in a shaky breath. "further up is the best idea," she agreed with cora. looking over at joss, she knew that they were probably the strongest out of the group and would be able to carry most of her weight. "yeah, i can help move."

Oona Oona sat back and felt her eyes sting. She cleared her throat and finally drew her gaze away from Jillian’s motionless face. “Okay, yeah, that makes sense,” she said shakily, for lack of anything else to really say. “I can... help dig?" Her suggestion was hesitant because neither option was particularly attractive, but she'd do anything to feel less useless.

Joss ”Can we just not call it a gravediggers team please like- fuck,” she was crude, she had a foul mouth but she was genuinely perturbed by the choice of words. She pressed her lips together then, nodding her head in agreement with Shane, “I can help move,” she echoed, without realising she had repeated the other girl verbatim.

Jenny It’s not like they’ve never seen a dead body before, but it was the very fact that they had that kept Jenny frozen as everything unfolded. Through the efforts to figure out what was wrong, through the CPR, through the decision Jill was dead and the decision of what to do with her body. Totally frozen in place. But then deciding on /teams/. What a crude way to decide what needed to be done. “I can dig” they announced, forcing themselves to move forward. There was no fucking way they were volunteering to touch the body.

Divya “I’ll help... dig too,” Divya spoke up. The moment she said it, she felt sick to her stomach. She couldn’t believe this is what they were talking about right now. She stared at Jillian’s lifeless body and clenched her jaw, hands curling into fists at her sides. This felt wrong. This felt so, so wrong.

Reyna reyna swallowed nervously before making the executive decision to walk up the beach to find the perfect gravesite. god, it was so morbid. but someone had to do something. what happened when it finally got dark? she wasn't sharing a plot where she would have to touch jill again. she had involuntarily made herself the leader of the gravediggers. or rather - not gravediggers upon joss' request. she walked until she found somewhere that the tide probably wouldn't touch. she didn't ask permission as she sank to her knees and dug her hands into the earth.

Shane was it really going to be the two soccer captains being the only two able and willing to move jillian? she understood though, this was a dead body after all, no one in their right might would be too keen on touching her. with a sigh, shane walked over to jocelyn. “how the fuck are we supposed to do this?” one take her arms other legs? shane was strong but all her strength was in her legs, not so much her arms.

Joss Jocelyn's mouth twisted as a pensive expression consumed her features. She adjusted her ponytail, tightening the bind around it before she planted her hands on her hips, her eyes glued to Jill. She was torn from her racing thoughts when Shane spoke up and she was admittedly glad to have a question to answer, rather than the hundreds of unanswered questions swirling around in her head. "Yep," she confirmed with a nod, "Best way to do it," she agreed. She was no stranger to this, oddly enough, she'd help haul plenty of her drunk ass friends into bed once they'd passed out drunk on somebody's couch or floor or even their lawn. "I'll go under the arms," she decided, for no reason reason at all. Perhaps it was because she'd rather stare at Shane than spend even a second of their journey glancing at Jill's lifeless face.

Shane shane nodded when jocelyn made her pick, almost a little jealous that she didn’t pick that first. now she was going to have to look at jill’s face the whole way to wherever reyna went off to. walking around to jillian’s legs, she squatted down in between them and wrap her arms around her tights. “not exactly how i imagined i’d be getting in between someone’s legs at the retreat,” she muttered under her breath sarcastically. bad timing, but shane never did have a filter even in normal situations. “ready?” she asked louder to joss.

Joss Joss looked over to where Reyna had started digging and though she'd told her to shut the fuck up just minutes beforehand, she was admittedly impressed by the other girl's effort and progress. She looked back at Shane when she spoke, her eyebrows lifting with surprise at the openness of the comment. "That's one way to interpret female bonding," she uttered. Was she shocked that the soccer jock with the oversize shirt and Adidas sweats was into girls? No. Was she shocked that she was so chill about it? Hell yeah. She was pretty sure there were girls on her team that would rather drop out of school forever than be caught eyeing up another girl in the locker room. Damn. With her words tied up in her throat somewhere she hummed her agreement instead of saying it as she couched to get her arms under Jill's and hoist her up. "On three? One...two..."

Shane she couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out at joss’ comment. it was such an inappropriate time to be making jokes but it almost made this all a little easier to handle. it helped her from panicking about the fact that they were about to move a literal dead body. one of a girl that just a few hours ago, shane wanted to punch. focus shane, she thought to herself, looking at jocelyn with determination. “okay,” shane nodded, making sure she had a good grip on her legs and on three, the two of them lifted jillian off the ground. harder than lifting someone who was passed out, but not impossible. “i’ll direct you where to go, okay?”

Jenny Jenny followed Reyna's lead, thankful to have a few moments of not having to look directly at Jillian's body and rather dig her a grave. They pushed the sleeves of their hoodie up to their elbows as they dropped to their knees opposite Reyna, alongside the other diggers. They couldn't dig a deep grave, rescue was coming, and someone would just have to dig her up again. But it had to be deep enough that the tide or an animal couldn't pull her free. Jenny assumed someone would tell them when they should stop, just like someone had told them that they had to deal with the body. And so they simply dug, and would do– while trying desperately not to think about Jillian and everything about this situation, until someone told them otherwise

Cora Cora didn't want to touch Jillian's body more than necessary. So she followed Reyna too, kneeling beside her to start pulling sandy dirt up, focusing entirely on that task instead of everything else going on. As much as one could when literally digging a shallow grave. And when the thought of would this be the last grave kept creeping in. She kept her face neutral, not looking at anyone else as she dug. Cora might not like these girls--or even know them--but she didn't want them to die. The list of people she actively wished ill on was short, and no one on this island was included.

Divya I can’t believe we’re doing this. I can’t believe she’s dead. The two sentences fought of space at the forefront of Divya’s mind as she knelt with the girls and created a place for Jillian’s body to rest in. She tried hard not to think about what she was doing, hoping soon that she would just zone out and move mindlessly until someone told her to stop. She dug and dug, waited and waited for the moment for come, but it just didn’t and she had to break the silence herself. “Is this–” She sniffed, wiping her sleeve against her itchy nose. “–deep enough? How deep is the–” She couldn’t bring herself to say ‘grave’. “–this supposed to go?”

Reyna reyna dug in silence for a long time. her fingers ached from pulling at clumps of sand that no one had probably ever touched. she would have kept digging forever if divya hadn't spoken and broken the unsettling silence. she glanced over to the others who were carrying the body and then looked back down at the hole. she nodded. "i think is is." she moved out of the way, moving from her knees so she was sitting properly a few inches away from the freshly dug grave. they just had to hope it didn't become a graveyard. it only just then hit her that they would actually have to bury her. as in put all of the sand back on top of her. she felt sick at the thought. but what had to be done had to be done.

Joss Jocelyn nodded her head before she could find her voice. A moment or so passed before she could utter a simple “Got it,” in response to Shane’s question, though it was likely rhetorical. With her back to the direction they were headed, Joss focused on the shoreline and then on Shane, finding it easier to watch the microscopic changes in the other girl’s expression, rather than think about what was happening or what they were doing. Jill was heavier than Joss expected, not impossible to shift but more difficult that she had anticipated. Dead weight, they called it. Now, Joss was starting to understand the term in a more literal sense.

Cora It was surprisingly quick work with all of them doing it. Or maybe Cora just wasn't that aware of time right now. When Reyna said it was deep enough, she stopped, sitting back on her heels with her hands in her lap. It took her a couple more seconds to realise she ought to get out of Wesley and Shane's way. Make a path to the grave. She scrambled to her feet and backed up a couple steps. It was then, glancing back at the body being lugged towards them, that the memories became overwhelming. People always did say that simply pushing everything down wasn't healthy. Nausea swelled in her. She couldn't be sick right here. Cora walked as quickly as she could away, but she only got about twenty metres before she fell to her knees, emptying the contents of her stomach onto the sand. That bloody pink drink, she thought to herself, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. If anyone asked, she'd blame her head injury. She wasn't even 100% sure it hadn't been the cause. Or, at least, part of it.

#wilds.thread #wilds.event #???#idk jill's death was kind of an event akdghjs #also this is old and just for reference bc i'm gonna delete the channel on discord soon to clear up space for ~future things

3 notes · View notes

mego42 · 4 years

Text

1x10 discussion questions

one season down, two to go!!! this has been so much fun y’all. i've watched s1 all by my onesies a totally normal amount of times but watching with all of you is it’s own kind of delight. your jokes and your takes are a+++. truly enhance the experience. and i know i say it every week but a sincere thank you to @pynkhues for organizing and all the work you put into it.

ANYWAY enough of the gross emo stuff.

1. What was your favourite scene of the episode? Tell us why!

this is a question with an objectively correct answer and it’s when dean gets hit by a car. the last scene is p good too i guess.

2. Was there any scene that missed the mark for you? And if so, how?

the line dancing scene chills me to my core but that says more about my feelings about line dancing than the scene itself. it’s not so much that it misses the mark as much as i consider it a personal attack on part with repeatedly saying sauce arms and making me remember the bandaid.

3. Let’s start from the top! That scene with Rio and Turner! This is our first ever Rio POV scene, and a lot of crucial information is delivered in it – from what Rio’s like as a crime boss to the situation with Eddie. What do you make of this scene? And do you think Rio ever saw Turner as a real threat?

rio saw turner as a whole ass snack and he was right

4. It’s Beth and Dean’s twentieth anniversary! Beth warms to him again over the course of this episode before the cancer lie is revealed. What do you think the trajectory of Beth and Dean’s relationship would’ve looked like if the lie hadn’t been revealed?

eventually beth would’ve taken out the trash. i don’t think there’s a version of the two of them that would work long term as long as beth is coming more and more into herself through crime and dean is, you know, dean. would’ve totally derailed the brio pacing though so someone get that doctor a medal.

5. Annnnd on a related note, do you think the cancer lie is lost to us forever, or that the show might still throw it back on the table at some point?

i have deep seated tv-related trust issues so i’ve convinced myself that no we won’t so i can’t be any more disappointed than i already am

6. Ben has his first few days at St. Anne’s, and it goes well, despite Annie’s reservations. Do you think Greg was right to change Ben’s schooling? Do you think Annie was right in having her reservations? Or is it some combination of both?

as a product of a catholic school elementary environment i feel extremely qualified to say that catholic school kids will fuck you up and annie was absolutely justified in her reservations. that said, clearly the public school kids were also fucking ben up so greg was in the right too. the moral of the story is kids are assholes.

7. What do you think the show might be saying with the fact that Annie’s son finds safety at a school called St. Anne’s?

you know i never connected those dots before. it’s a little on the nose but it makes me go awwwww so i’ll allow it.

8. What do you think of the Fine & Frugal job overall? Do you think it was a good idea to set Rio up in the way that they did? Do you think it was a good way to get the money for Sara’s transplant?

the (second!! second!!!!) fine & frugal job was, to put it mildly, extremely stupid. just the fact that they robbed it for the second time is enough but oh my GOD the rio portion of the plan tips it over the edge. it’s too many levels of stupid i can’t list them all. it’s the girls at their most short sighted and it makes me want to bang my head against the nearest flat surface.

THAT SAID one thing that i’ve always really loved about the show is the girls are like, truly awful at crime in many ways and fairly consistently reap the consequences of that. i love that they’re sort of bumbling their way to success with their individual talents and determination but not being like, smooth criminals or whatever. i’ve watched the version of this show where that happens (*stares in weeds*) and it’s infuriating.

9. What do you think of the scene with Tyler at the end and how he let the girls off the hook in exchange for getting to be the hero? What do you think this tells us about the overall themes of the show?

i love the hell out of tyler that pure hearted himbo. i know there are deeper thoughts here around male entitlement and how it’s seen through characters like boomer and dean and turner and rio but it’s late and my brain is there. i do like how it’s mmmmmm underscored? subverted? by tyler basically asking annie to make it seem like he’s someone to be taken seriously. it reminds me of a little kid asking for help playing dress up or make believe. idk idk idk pretend i said something smart.

10. Mary Pat discovers Boomer’s been spying on her! It leads to one of my favourite fights of the entire series between Mary Pat and Boomer! What do you think that fight told us about Mary Pat and Boomer’s relationship so far, and who each of them are as people?

mary-pat was deeply wronged and in a different ‘verse is bffs with the girls. JUSTICE FOR MARY-PAT

11. On a related note, what did you think of Mary Pat going to Beth with the news?

i love it, for as much as mary-pat tries to walk tall and carry a big stick or whatever, as soon as stuff starts falling apart her first instinct is to run to her crime mom for help. THEY SHOULD BE FRIENDS DAMMIT.

12. Beth throws down a pretty big bluff with Annie and Ruby about going to Canada to take over Rio’s business. Do you think she actually intended to go through with it? Or do you think she was just joking? Or was it something in between?

you know how sometimes people tell jokes that are so funny hahahaha but also omg you guys what if we really did it? it’s one of those.

13. In 100 words or less, please describe your emotional journey in watching Stan find out what Ruby had done for the money to save Sara.

N O

14. Annie and Greg have a pivotal moment together as co-parents at the end of this episode. Do you think this is a satisfying culmination to their arc across this season? And do you see any sort of future for them as a couple overall?

probs not any time soon bc i think zach gilford got another job but i hope so bc i love them lEaVE mE aLoNE

15. That! Final! Scene! Between! Beth! Rio! And! Dean! So much emotion! Give us all your thoughts, comments, feelings! And pretend you were yet to see s2 - what would you predict the outcome would be?

i love literally (like, actually literally) every single thing about this scene. truly god tier and we haven’t even gotten to the dean gets shot/face-touching/E L I Z A B E T H stuff. i’m trying to remember what i thought when i first watched this but honestly i think i was just mashing the next episode button over and over like some kind of psychotic chimpanzee on meth bc netflix wasn’t loading fast enough.

#gg rewatch #gg 1x10

11 notes · View notes

mentalillnessmouse · 5 years

Note

(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me.

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon,

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life.

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs

looking for courses you can join

thinking about possible job options

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all.

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games.

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible.

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen.

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications.

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here.

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy.

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings.

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

#ask MIM #seeking help #online jobs #online courses #agoraphobia #self harm #mod Bee #Anonymous

183 notes · View notes

igottheissue · 5 years

Text

This Time Around 3

A strange woman Bucky is sure he knows but can’t fully recognize, picks him up after the fall of SHIELD. She claims to be friends with Steve and that she is here to help him. He can’t help but keep wondering where he knows her from; it’s definitely not through Steve Rogers. Can she help him be the man he wants to be or will the all too familiar struggles of being a super human overcome him?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X OC Rowan O’Connor Word Count:4,154 Rating: M Masterlist Chapter 2 Chapter 4

Taglist: @xmarveled @spidey-the-killer-queen

Rowan and Bucky had stayed one more night in the cozy Chicago apartment. Not much conversation filled the studio flat. Some awkward mumbles from Bucky asking Rowan how to work the shower was about it.

Rowan was dressed in green leggings and a pink tank top; a black oversized beanie covering up her auburn hair. She opted out of hiking boots, unlike Bucky, and sported a pair of comfortable running shoes instead. To any passersby, they looked like a young couple heading out to go camping for the weekend.

Rowan pressed a four digit code into a blue garage door and ushered Bucky inside. She grabbed a set of keys off a hook by the door. Bucky’s eyes scanned the low clearance ceiling, wondering which vehicle Rowan would choose. Bucky raised his eyebrows a bit at the car that Rowan led him to.

She had planned to find a clothing store on the outskirts of the city for Bucky. The raglan shirt and jeans she had given him were a bit too small. Luckily the boots were on the perfect side of snug for him.

Bucky wasn’t sure how, the information must have been hidden in a part of his mind from working for HYDRA, but he recognized the car. A blue Camaro. An older style with some rust. Had he driven one while on a mission?

“Where’d you get this?” His eyes wandered over the black leather interior as Rowan fished a cell phone out of a purple duffle bag and crushed it in her palm before letting the pieces fall to the ground.

“Souvenir from a mission.” Nothing more was said as Rowan and Bucky fastened their seatbelts and pulled out of the garage. Bucky stayed silent as Rowan shifted gears and slowly pulled out of the garage into the bumbling suburb streets. By the sun, he figured they were heading west.

-TTA-

A small neighborhood hugging the Kennedy Expressway in Chicago. Steve’s eyes roamed the different camera angles when finally, they landed on two figures walking casually to a garage down a narrow alleyway off of West Webster Avenue.

The man was over six foot, wearing a baseball hat with brown hair sticking out the back. His stride was large and his stature was rigid. His head never moved much, but to trained eyes, one could tell he was skillfully scanning the area.

“Are you sure Nat? I’m not going to be running around on a wild goose chase every time we see a couple and the guy has long brown hair. The man bun thing is in now you know. We can’t even see their faces right now. And that woman’s hair could be any color. Hell we can’t even see it under the beanie she has on.” Nat blew a warm breathe of air out her nose in slight annoyance, or maybe it was scolding, Steve couldn’t really tell most of the time, but he knew an explanation of why she was right was on its way.

“It healed most of the way. If you know what to look for you can see that her right leg from the knee down swings out just a few degrees wider than her left leg as she puts her foot down, almost like she’s bow-legged.” Natasha rewound the footage of the couple walking from a brick apartment building to a garage a few meters down the gravel alley. Steve looked closely this time. His eyes widened for a moment before narrowing in frustration.

“She lied. God dammit why did she lie to us Natasha?”

“Language Capsicle. Princess Leia probably has a reason to keep your BFF to herself.” Tony strolled in casually, bag of blueberries in his hand. He popped one in and looked at a smaller computer screen sitting on the desk nearest to him. It had a small blinking red light on it, text zipping quickly across the screen.

“You know she hates when you call her that. And Tony is right Steve, like I told you earlier, there’s probably a legitimate reason for her not coming in with him.”

“No reason is good enough for him not to come back! Don’t you get that? He’s been gone for years and he needs someone he knows and trusts! I can help him through this; I know I can. I owe him that much.”

“You sure about that Cap? Because it seems like you wanting to find him has more to do with your inner demons than you think. You don’t owe him anything; what happened to him wasn’t your fault. He’s a soldier, he knew the risks when he signed up. ”

“He didn’t sign-“

“Not the point I’m trying to make here Steve.” Tony closed his eyes for a long moment before putting the blueberries on the computer desk and walking up to stand next to Steve and Natasha. His posture was no longer casual, but a bit pinched at the shoulders.

“After Afghanistan, hell even after New York, I had a lot of problems. You guys know how hard it was for me to be around everyone. Sometimes it takes being around a stranger, someone who’s been through what you have but doesn’t really know too much about you personally to really be able to get to the bottom of the issue and work it out. I know that’s what helped me, going to the Vet meetings at the church.” And talking with Rowan till all hours of the night at the top of Stark Tower. Though Tony left that part out. Rowan was adamant she “wanted to keep her badass black soul reputation fresh.”

Natasha kept reading the computer screens, typing fervently trying to get a better angle on the suspected Bucky and Rowan. She understood where Tony was coming from, and figured he might be able to get it through the super soldiers thick head about why Bucky might not come running home. Steve looked down at his boots guiltily. Tony grabbed his blueberries and started for the door.

“And you both know how much I hate going to church. Oh and better get a glimpse of them while you can. JARVIS shows that the scrambler Rowan has on her car is about to finish calibrating.” Tony turned, posture casual once again, and walked out the metal framed door. Natasha slammed her fist on the desk as all the camera angles turned to black screens. Steve fell into a chair and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars.

-TTA-

“How do you know we’re out of sight? We’re still pretty close to the city. There’s camera’s everywhere.” Bucky tried to remain casual in the passenger seat as Rowan struggled to find a parking spot outside of a Kohl’s on the southwest side of Chicago. It was busy for a Monday morning but Bucky needed new clothes and she’d rather get everything before they start their road trip than have to stop halfway through.

“All of my vehicles are equipped with Stark scrambling technology. Tony is aware but he won’t let Nat and Steve know about it. We had a little chat last night.” Bucky pursed his lips and gave a short nod as Rowan parked and turned off the car.

As they walked into Kohl’s, Rowan clicked a button on her key fob to lock the Camaro. As Bucky heard the car beep to signal its lock, all the store lights went out for a few seconds before turning back on. Bucky looked around cautiously as the employees mumbled about the systems rebooting.

“There’s a scrambler in my key fob too. Stark really likes me.” Rowan had a cheeky grin on her face as she grabbed a cart and strolled to the men’s section, grabbing Bucky’s arm along the way.

About an hour later they had checked out and were on I-80 heading west. Old school rock drifted quietly out of the speakers. It wasn’t necessarily an uncomfortable silence, but Bucky hated it. He found himself wanting to speak. About something, anything. He didn’t really care.

“So, uh Rowan, where exactly are we headed?” He kept his gaze shifted out the window, watching the gargantuan white windmills as their propellers gently lulled through the air, creating energy for who knows how many homes out here.

“We’ll have to figure out the rest of the plan from there. It’s the third of April. I figure by the end of this month we should be touching down in Japan. That should be enough time for them to already do a big sweep overseas.” Bucky was impressed by how in depth Rowan had already planned their travel. He still had a few concerns though.

“Won’t they be searching everywhere until they find us? If Steve is still the same as I remember, he won’t stop.”

“You’re right Mr. Barnes, Steve isn’t gonna stop, and as much as Nat loves me I doubt she’ll actively try to stop him from finding us. Tony is pretty complacent for me to work with so if I need him to throw them off our trail I’ll call him. But it’ll be fun to see how long that’ll take.”

His brain was still itching every time he tried to think too hard about how familiar Rowan was. He was getting better at ignoring the alarm going off in his head when he saw her face, though he still wasn’t confident that was the best thing to do.

It was a pleasant sound Bucky decided; not like some of the other women’s voices he recalled from his time in HYDRA. The thicker accent and her playful banter lightened his mood. Rowan eyed him. From this view she could see the edges of his eyes crinkling up ever so slightly; a tell-tale sign that he was about to let out a smile.

“Letting you drive is enough trust testing I can handle for any twenty four hour period.” Bucky rubbed his chin with his flesh hand. The crinkles moved from his eyes to his forehead.

She kept reminding herself this wasn’t technically a mission or a job. She was helping someone. When her emerald eyes met the downcast face of Bucky she turned off the radio. He was glaring at his left hand, rubbing his fingers from his right hand over the silver palm.

“I can’t tell if I can really feel anything with it, or if it’s just my brain playing tricks on me since I know what my other hand is doing.” Rowan could hear the disparity in the man’s voice. She hopped over a couple lanes to catch the visitor’s stop just in time, narrowly missing getting clipped by a semi. Bucky sat rigid in his seat.

“Come on, out we go.” The tall woman held Bucky’s door open expectantly waiting for him to emerge. She grabbed his flesh hand and led him down the dirt path into a small cluster of trees, hitting her key fob as they went. She slowed as they passed the cluster of young birch trees and turned, grabbing Bucky’s left hand.

“Close your eyes. Go on, we haven’t got all day you spoon.” Bucky raised a thick eyebrow at the odd insult before closing his eyes slowly.

It was a little sticky with sweat. He grasped it and ran his thumb over her palm; softly at first, then a bit harder. He could almost feel the creases in her hands. He felt where the ridges from the plates caught on Rowan’s callouses running along her palm and fingers, hard from years of action, like his remaining flesh hand.

She took his arm and led him to a patch of day lilies. He outstretched his hand carefully. He could feel how delicate they were. He lightly brushed his hand through the patch of flowers and the edges of his eyes creased in an almost smile at the feather light sensation. They were cool to the touch. He was sure he could tell they were supposed to be velvety smooth. But again, he just wasn’t quite convinced.

Her eyes were bright in the mid-morning sun. Her auburn hair fell over the right side of her face, she brushed it back and outstretched her hand to Bucky’s own. He took it with his left, the urge to try to feel everything with it stronger now. Rowan pulled Bucky up swiftly from his kneeling position and let go as he brushed dirt off his knees.

She seemed like she had good intentions, and she claimed to be a friend of Steve’s. Something he wasn’t entirely sure of, Steve and Rowan didn’t seem compatible. Steve was a straight-laced guy. Rowan seemed a little… off the deep end on some matters. But people changed. Last time he remembers interacting with Steve he was a bit edgier.

How simple their lives must be compared to his. He wondered how that would feel; worrying about mundane things like how much it would be to fix the car, what to make for supper, how much the next doctor’s office trip would run him. He also heard a low male voice coming from their twelve o’clock. It seemed Rowan caught it a few moments after him.

Rowan looked towards Bucky, semi-alarm running along her features. There was no way any cameras pinged their location. No way would she or Bucky not have noticed someone following them.

And while she was sure every agent of SHIELD, HYDRA, FBI, CIA, or any other flavor of government agency had been alerted to Bucky’s status, she doubted they’d have people actively driving cross country looking for them. The only person besides herself and Bucky who knew about the Camaro was Tony Stark. He’d helped her rebuild the engine a few years ago on a slow weekend.

Bucky assumed the black Jeep Cherokee idling in park next to the Camaro was what they pulled in on. The two men, who looked to be in their late twenties, wore dark hoodies, with beanies pulled tight over their heads. One had a handgun tucked into the back waistband on his jeans and the other had one on the side of his right hip, tucked into a holster, hoodie doing a poor job of concealing it.

Rowan laid a firm hand on his forearm, effectively stopping him from charging the two men. She put a slender finger to her lips before she motioned for them to keep listening and watch them. Bucky took a deep breath and let it out quietly through his lips. He tried to stop the shaking throughout his hands.

“You sure it’s just been sitting here? No one has been here?”

“No dude, this chick and her boyfriend headed out to the woods like twenty minutes ago. Probably just fuckin’ around. Let’s get it and go before they come back.” The guy turned towards the woods, keeping an eye out for anyone walking back. Rowan and Bucky ducked behind the thick brush by the opening of the trail.

The day was young. Rowan pulled her fob out of the small pocket from the inside waistband of her leggings and hit a button. A loud, shrill alarm went off. Both men threw their hands over their ears and turned around quickly. Rowan stopped Bucky from coming out of the woods.

One Bucky hadn’t seen her press yet. A light blue surge of energy exploded from the undercarriage of the Camaro, knocking both men to their feet. Rowan turned slightly and motioned for Bucky to come forward. As he drew nearer he made the assumption that both men were unconscious.

Producing two sets of handcuffs from a hidden compartment in the truck, Rowan tossed a set to Bucky. He followed Rowan’s actions and pulled the man into the back seat of the Jeep. He cuffed one arm before looping the short metal chain through the ‘oh shit’ handle and securing the man’s other arm. Rowan produced a cell phone from somewhere Bucky didn’t want to focus too hard on and dialed a number she knew by heart.

“Hey Tobey. Yeah I got a couple of guys out your way who were trying to car jack me. No not the Impala. It’s still safely tucked away in New York. My Camaro. Yeah that one. No I’m not getting his autograph for you. I just need to make sure the cops get them but I don’t have time to wipe my prints and such. I’ll take care of everything else for you. Great! Thanks Tobes. Yeah I’ll get with you soon. Bye.” Rowan hung up and tucked the phone away.

Bucky stood with his back to the Jeep, facing the woods. He was still trying to subdue the shaking in his hands. He almost jumped when Rowan sidled up beside him. She kept her gaze forward.

“Ya know if I didn’t know any better I’d say we need to get your blood sugar up some. My hands get shaky when I don’t eat often enough. There’s a McDonald’s at the next exit. Sound good?” Bucky knew his blood pressure wasn’t low, and he knew Rowan knew that too. But he still appreciated the gesture.

He was ashamed of himself. He wasn’t on the battle field, this wasn’t a professionally trained operative coming to kill him. This was an every-day petty crime event. Childs play compared to some of the things he was used to being around.

He took a small step towards the Camaro before he staggered a bit, a dull throb encasing his head. A dim memory made its way to the forefront of his brain. A little brown-haired boy, with a smaller brown-haired girl next to him, sat in a well-lit living room. Bucky felt himself stretch and pop his neck as he kept his eyes on the children. They were playing checkers.

“Haide, soldat, nu avem toata noaptea. Acesta este jocul copiilor. Finalizati-le.” The harsh Romanian voice cut through the earpiece, like gravel sliding across glass it ended the silence that had been surrounding him. He lifted his sniper rifle, eye piece easing into place a few inches away from his alert blue eyes.

He shook his head, trying to rid himself of that memory, and moved to open the car door as a white hot pain travelled from behind his eyes down his spine. Lighting up every nerve ending as if they were being electrocuted individually. He opened his eyes wide and frantically searched for Rowan over the top of the blue car.

“Rowan, I… something’s wr-“ He tried to finish his sentence but everything went black.

2 notes · View notes

2ptonpt · 6 years

Text

This Time Around Ch. 3

A strange woman Bucky is sure he knows but can't fully recognize, picks him up after the fall of SHIELD. She claims to be friends with Steve and that she is here to help him. He can't help but keep wondering where he knows her from; it's definitely not through Steve Rogers.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/ OC(Rowan O'Connor)

Word Count: 4,154

Rating: M

Masterlist

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

The next morning, they headed out the back door of the three story building. Bucky had his shoulder length brown hair mostly hidden under a Family Business Brewing Co. baseball cap, with the remainder of it sticking out the back in a small bun. He had shaved his face, giving him more of a five o’clock shadow rather than a bordering-on-homeless look. Rowan was dressed in green leggings and a pink tank top; a black oversized beanie covering up her auburn hair. She opted out of hiking boots, unlike Bucky, and sported a pair of comfortable running shoes instead. To any passersby, they looked like a young couple heading out to go camping for the weekend.

“Don’t judge me, I know its cliché. It’s not my normal choice but it’s the only one that has fuel in it right now. We don’t have time to stop for any until we get out of the city. I’m pretty sure by now Nat will have figured out which home I was talking about last night.” Rowan filled the back seat up with the few duffel bags she had carried downstairs, along with some empty ones. She had planned to find a clothing store on the outskirts of the city for Bucky. The raglan shirt and jeans she had given him were a bit too small. Luckily the boots were on the perfect side of snug for him.

-TTA-

“Got her.” Steve’s head snapped up, blue eyes following Natasha’s voice over to a group of large screens decorating the south wall of the room. They currently showed different angles of a back alleys and brick buildings. The location at the bottom right of the screen read “BUCKTOWN”. A small neighborhood hugging the Kennedy Expressway in Chicago. Steve’s eyes roamed the different camera angles when finally, they landed on two figures walking casually to a garage down a narrow alleyway off of West Webster Avenue.

To anyone else, the couple appeared casually dressed, like they were running errands or going on a trip somewhere, if the duffel bags were any indication. The woman was tall, nearly six foot it looked like, even in running shoes. She had a black, oversized beanie covering her hair. The man was over six foot, wearing a baseball hat with brown hair sticking out the back. His stride was large and his stature was rigid. His head never moved much, but to trained eyes, one could tell he was skillfully scanning the area.

“When Rowan was in the Sector she was on a mission to eradicate a biochemical warfare research facility in Chechnya. The building exploded and her right leg was crushed at the knee. They almost had to replace it with an enhanced prosthetic. It healed most of the way. If you know what to look for you can see that her right leg from the knee down swings out just a few degrees wider than her left leg as she puts her foot down, almost like she’s bow-legged.” Natasha rewound the footage of the couple walking from a brick apartment building to a garage a few meters down the gravel alley. Steve looked closely this time. His eyes widened for a moment before narrowing in frustration.

“She lied. God dammit why did she lie to us Natasha?”

“You know she hates when you call her that. And Tony is right Steve, like I told you earlier, there’s probably a legitimate reason for her not coming in with him.”

“He didn’t sign-“

"And you both know how much I hate going to church. Oh and better get a glimpse of them while you can. JARVIS shows that the scrambler Rowan has on her car is about to finish calibrating.” Tony turned, posture casual once again, and walked out the metal framed door. Natasha slammed her fist on the desk as all the camera angles turned to black screens. Steve fell into a chair and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars.

-TTA-

“Faith, South Dakota. After we load up on supplies we’ll head out to the Cheyenne River Reservation. I figure we camp out there for a couple weeks then head up to Vancouver. I’ve got a safe house up there no one knows about. We can grab my other passports and have some made for you. Then Juneau to a charter plane that will take us to St. Lawrence Island and last but not least I’ve got a friend who owes me a favor. He said he can get us as far west as Japan. We’ll have to figure out the rest of the plan from there. It’s the third of April. I figure by the end of this month we should be touching down in Japan. That should be enough time for them to already do a big sweep overseas.” Bucky was impressed by how in depth Rowan had already planned their travel. He still had a few concerns though.

“Won’t they be searching everywhere until they find us? If Steve is still the same as I remember, he won’t stop.”

“Why are we camping out in South Dakota for half the month? Why don’t we just get out now while we have them scrambled?” Bucky figured she was going to answer the same way his own thought process was heading, but he just wanted to see how aligned their thinking was. His brain was still itching every time he tried to think too hard about how familiar Rowan was. He was getting better at ignoring the alarm going off in his head when he saw her face, though he still wasn’t confident that was the best thing to do.

“Barnes, seriously? I know you know why I’m doing this. Is this some sort of trust test? Wouldn’t it be more entertaining to do some trust fall exercises instead? I promise I won’t drop you.” The teasing in her voice deepened her accent. It was a pleasant sound Bucky decided; not like some of the other women’s voices he recalled from his time in HYDRA. The thicker accent and her playful banter lightened his mood. Rowan eyed him. From this view she could see the edges of his eyes crinkling up ever so slightly; a tell-tale sign that he was about to let out a smile.

“Letting you drive is enough trust testing I can handle for any twenty four hour period.” Bucky rubbed his chin with his flesh hand. The crinkles moved from his eyes to his forehead.

“Hey! I’m an excellent driver.” Rowan took her eyes completely off the road when Bucky didn’t have a response. She had been trying to come off as less edgy than she was accused of being in the past. Sometimes she got too into the mission on hand. She kept reminding herself this wasn’t technically a mission or a job. She was helping someone. When her emerald eyes met the downcast face of Bucky she turned off the radio. He was glaring at his left hand, rubbing his fingers from his right hand over the silver palm.

“Close your eyes. Go on, we haven’t got all day you spoon.” Bucky raised a thick eyebrow at the odd insult before closing his eyes slowly.

“Take a deep breath. There you go. Just relax.” She released his right hand from hers and it dropped softly to his side. She only held his left hand. It was a weird sensation. He could feel her hand, the warmth. It was a little sticky with sweat. He grasped it and ran his thumb over her palm; softly at first, then a bit harder. He could almost feel the creases in her hands. He felt where the ridges from the plates caught on Rowan’s callouses running along her palm and fingers, hard from years of action, like his remaining flesh hand.

“See, you can feel. It’s not your mind playing tricks on you. I reviewed all your files. They connected your nerves to different parts of the arm. It’s pretty much your own, just a different color... And material I suppose, but that’s all semantics. Personally I think you pull off silver over gold any day.” Bucky looked up at Rowan’s teasing voice. Her eyes were bright in the mid-morning sun. Her auburn hair fell over the right side of her face, she brushed it back and outstretched her hand to Bucky’s own. He took it with his left, the urge to try to feel everything with it stronger now. Rowan pulled Bucky up swiftly from his kneeling position and let go as he brushed dirt off his knees.

They walked silently back through the small wooded patch in a content silence. Rowan was staring ahead, in deep thought it seemed. Bucky wondered what she could be thinking about. Did she still not know if going all over the world with him until he regained his memories was the best idea? If she didn’t, he couldn’t argue with her. He didn’t even think it was a good idea. He was still on the fence about it himself. She seemed like she had good intentions, and she claimed to be a friend of Steve’s. Something he wasn’t entirely sure of, Steve and Rowan didn’t seem compatible. Steve was a straight-laced guy. Rowan seemed a little… off the deep end on some matters. But people changed. Last time he remembers interacting with Steve he was a bit edgier.

Bucky shook his head. He was starting to get a headache from all this thinking. He closed his eyes briefly as he walked, the warmth radiating off Rowan half guiding him through the small trees. He heard birds chirping, Rowan’s leggings making a soft swooshing sound as her thighs brushed against each other as she took otherwise silent steps next to him; a little further off he could hear the droning of the cars and trucks zooming down the interstate. How simple their lives must be compared to his. He wondered how that would feel; worrying about mundane things like how much it would be to fix the car, what to make for supper, how much the next doctor’s office trip would run him. He also heard a low male voice coming from their twelve o’clock. It seemed Rowan caught it a few moments after him.

Rowan looked towards Bucky, semi-alarm running along her features. There was no way any cameras pinged their location. No way would she or Bucky not have noticed someone following them. And while she was sure every agent of SHIELD, HYDRA, FBI, CIA, or any other flavor of government agency had been alerted to Bucky’s status, she doubted they’d have people actively driving cross country looking for them. The only person besides herself and Bucky who knew about the Camaro was Tony Stark. He’d helped her rebuild the engine a few years ago on a slow weekend.

Bucky rounded the corner first, putting himself in front of Rowan. Instinct he supposed, though he didn’t think it was from his Winter Soldier days. Rowan poked her head around Bucky’s shoulder, not having to reach much at all, already being almost his height already. They saw two men walking around the Camaro, trying to nonchalantly peek inside. Bucky assumed the black Jeep Cherokee idling in park next to the Camaro was what they pulled in on. The two men, who looked to be in their late twenties, wore dark hoodies, with beanies pulled tight over their heads. One had a handgun tucked into the back waistband on his jeans and the other had one on the side of his right hip, tucked into a holster, hoodie doing a poor job of concealing it.

Bucky rolled his shoulders and grabbed for the glock he had secured under the waistband of his pants. Gripping the gun with his right hand, the gears of his left arm whirred lowly as it calibrated, something he figured happened when he told his arm to flex when he was preparing for a fight. Rowan laid a firm hand on his forearm, effectively stopping him from charging the two men. She put a slender finger to her lips before she motioned for them to keep listening and watch them. Bucky took a deep breath and let it out quietly through his lips. He tried to stop the shaking throughout his hands.

“You sure it’s just been sitting here? No one has been here?”

“Shit, okay let’s hurry then.” Rowan and Bucky exchanged a relieved look. Weight seemed to be lifted from both their shoulders as they realized the two men were merely low life car-jackers. No special agents from either side of the law coming to get them, yet at least. The day was young. Rowan pulled her fob out of the small pocket from the inside waistband of her leggings and hit a button. A loud, shrill alarm went off. Both men threw their hands over their ears and turned around quickly. Rowan stopped Bucky from coming out of the woods.

“Your face is all over social media and the news. I can handle these guys. I won’t even need your gun.” She winked his way then stepped out, conveying the posture of a scared woman. The men grabbed their guns when they noticed Rowan all alone. She didn’t even give them a chance to put their fingers on the trigger before she pressed the fourth button on the key fob. One Bucky hadn’t seen her press yet. A light blue surge of energy exploded from the undercarriage of the Camaro, knocking both men to their feet. Rowan turned slightly and motioned for Bucky to come forward. As he drew nearer he made the assumption that both men were unconscious.

“Yeah, sounds good to me.” Truth was, he was itching for a fight. His body was shaking slightly, his head on fire. It was almost as if he could physically feel the painful urge to end those men’s lives. He was ashamed of himself. He wasn’t on the battle field, this wasn’t a professionally trained operative coming to kill him. This was an every-day petty crime event. Childs play compared to some of the things he was used to being around.

“Rowan, I… something’s wr-“ He tried to finish his sentence but everything went black.

#marvel #Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes x oc #Bucky Barnes oc #The Winter Soldier #James Buchanan Barnes #2ptonpt #This Time Around #Bucky Barnes fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #avengers #Captain America #James Barnes #SHIELD #Rowan OConnor #Chapter 3 #Civil War

10 notes · View notes

littlemissmeggie · 5 years

Note

2018 asks- 1, 3, 8, 9, 11, 15, 20

oh yay! someone sent me these!

1. favourite memory from 2018: ok, the entire time i was in dover at firefly music festival. it was so amazing. i had the greatest time, even better than i imagined i would. if i was forced to pick a favourite memory from firefly, i’d have to say standing at the back of the crowd of 70,000+ people at eminem’s set was it. that was one of the craziest, most surreal experiences of my life.

3. did 2018 live up to your expectations?: yes, i had a pretty great 2018. firefly was definitely a major highlight. (i was so excited to go back for firefly 2019 but the lineup is just... disappointing and i’m not spending that much money and driving that far when i could just as easily see the few artists i’m interested in seeing somewhere closer and end up spending a total that’ll probably be less than the cost of the firefly pass. rant over.)

8. favourite film you saw in 2018: this is not an excellent question for me because i don’t really watch movies? other than the three christmas movies i watched, i can only think of seven other movies i watched this year. only two of them were new (the new fantastic beasts movie and the mr rogers movie) and the others were all at least probably three years old. so if we’re talking new film, i’d have to say won’t you be my neighbor? if we’re counting everything, then christmas vacation.

9. favourite book you read in 2018: god, another not excellent question. this answer will make me look like a total moron but i don’t think i read a single book from start to finish this year. i’ve been writing too much to actually read. i did reread part of kitchen confidential back in june after tony died. 😢

11. did you make any new friends this year? tell us about them!: i am totally and completely socially inept and have proven time and time again that i am incapable of making friends. i tried to use bumble bff to meet people but i apparently don’t share interests with many women my age (no, i don’t like hikes or yoga or brunch—hideous, as anthony bourdain once described it—or mimosas, etc.) and i gave up after a few months.

15. did you surprise yourself in 2018? if so, how?: yes, i did! i was very nervous about driving to dover for firefly. it’s about a six-hour drive through new york city and new jersey on major highways and i do not like highways; even little old route 8—a two-lane highway near me—scares me. i was terrified. i was convinced i was going to get lost or get in an accident. i even considered finding a flight to and from delaware so i wouldn’t have to drive any more than necessary. (they’re way too expensive for the distance of the flight and i would have needed to rent a car and drive to the campgrounds anyway.) but i drove and didn’t take a single wrong turn or get lost or anything! i didn’t even really get that nervous. i actually had a great time! similarly, i was a bit nervous about going to see marilyn manson and rob zombie back in august because i thought i would stick out like a sore thumb (which i probably did) and was just nervous about what the crowd might be like but everyone near me was friendly and i actually talked with some people a bit.

20. what’s your new years resolution?: i don’t really make new year’s resolutions. i set goals for myself (and i usually do it at my birthday). i’d really like to finish redecorating and cleaning up my apartment, getting rid of all the junk i have and don’t need. i am planning to start exercising again and am planning to cut a lot of carbs out of my diet because i’ve found it helps with neurological stuff for me. i also want to continue writing and possibly try to get a novel finished and (maybe) sent to potential publishers. (my boyfriend has been researching lgbt+ publishers and suggested i write a not-fanfiction story and see about getting it published.) i also think starting an etsy shop to sell handmade candies and sweets and speciality sugar decorations for cakes would be fun too. those are sort of the big ones.

thanks for the questions! sorry for the long, rambling answers!

#meggie talks #2018 asks #Anonymous

1 note · View note

annieintheaair · 3 years

Text

Love & Valentine’s Day

The last time it really snowed in Texas, that I remember, was in 2015 when I was in flight attendant training. I was scheduled to do a work flight that weekend and the snow came down instead, canceling flights, and keeping us indoors.

Everyone I talked to told me that in Texas, when it snows, you just stay home. Being from the northeast, that just seemed weird to me because life carries on when it snows.

I don’t know if someday I’ll wake up and re-download dating apps or miraculously meet someone while out and about but for the time being, I’m focusing on myself and doing my best to find new hobbies and make new friends.

Since it has been cold and snowy, I’ve been binge watching Firefly Lane on Netflix this weekend and I was watching an episode today where after Tully gets married, she flips out on her husband and makes him leave. He doesn’t want to leave at first but she screams at him that he has to go and as soon as he gives in and does, she falls to the floor in regret.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever asked someone to leave but deep down, you were testing them to see if they’d choose to stay anyway? This scene brought me flashbacks to November. I remember flipping out on James and telling him to leave. I thought he would go and I ended up falling asleep that night, only to wake up in the morning and find that he hadn’t left. At that point, I felt like I couldn’t change my mind. He packed up his things and in a more calm way (but not without tears) that morning, we said goodbye.

Without going into detail, we did patch things up a few days later but looking back, I think that was our breaking point. I should have been glad that he stayed that night on my couch and in the morning, I should have apologized and told him to stay. I think sometimes we just can’t let go of our pride.

In Firefly Lane, Tully finally gets up the courage to apologize but at that point, Max has decided that he wants a divorce. She tells him anyway that she wants a fresh start and if he wants one too, she will be at the spot in the park where they got married, the following day. Max basically explains to her that she wasn’t there when he needed her to be and that she wouldn’t talk when he wanted to talk with her. He doesn’t show up the next day and she’s heartbroken.

This story line tugged at my heartstrings really badly. I’ve been the girl crying on the floor and later trying to apologize and fix things to only be turned down. I’ve felt that pain of feeling like it was all my fault and feeling rejected and like there was nothing that I could do or say to fix everything.

It has been almost two months now since it ended and it was two months yesterday since I last saw him. My heart still hurts. I keep wishing he would show up and we’d figure it out. There are so many days that go by that I keep wishing we could have a fresh start. I feel like Tully, standing at the park, waiting for him.

The thing is, you can’t make yourself important to anyone. They have to choose you, each and every day. They have to want it as badly as you do and they have to be willing to work things out. I’ve learned that love isn’t easy. Love doesn’t mean that everything goes smoothly all of the time but that you work through things. Just like Tully realized, sometimes it’s better to hold on and keep pushing to work things out instead of running away but you both need to run in the same direction together.

I think about Valentine’s Day last year. The pandemic hadn’t really started yet, life was normal, and I went to Phoenix for work where I went on a first date with Kris, who I had met on Match.com. It was a great first date but for many reasons, it didn’t go anywhere beyond that day really. We became friends and that was about it.

A lot has happened in the last year. To think that after that day, I proceeded to go on more dates and have my heart broken twice, it’s no wonder that I’m feeling down about love and not at all interested in getting back out there to meet someone new.

I remember a couple of years ago after having been taking anti-depressants for a while, my therapist told me that she felt like maybe my dosage was too high. At the time, I thought that she was just saying that because she was afraid that I’d stop seeing her every week if I felt so numb that I didn’t need her help. There have been days, like in early January, when I felt like my dosage wasn’t high enough but lately, I feel like maybe she was right and maybe it really is too high.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to really put my feelings into words and the more I try to tell myself that I’m ok, the less I really believe it. Have I become so good at convincing everyone else that I can no longer convince myself? Am I ok or am I not ok? Has my medication made me too numb?

These days, I feel like I’ve run out of words, which is weird for me. It’s like deep down, I have so much to say, but the words don’t come out. I feel like I’m no longer heard so it’s no use to even try to get the words out.

With only a few weeks left until I return to work and my old life, I’ve decided to refocus all of my efforts. Instead of getting back on Bumble for dating, I’ve pursued new friendships. It’s incredible to me the new people that God has brought into my life. These new friends that I clicked with immediately have made me wonder where they’ve been my whole life and have filled me with excitement for what’s to come. I feel like we’re all going through similar things and while some people I’ve talked to are in relationships or married, those I��ve met in person so far are living the single life. At 31, it feels so good to finally have some single girl friends.

I’ve also been going to the gym frequently and trying new exercise classes, as well as cooking healthier meals at home to get myself back on track. I’ve been going back out for walks with my dogs (not 10 mile walks like I did in the spring but every bit helps!). All of this has made me realize that I think James and I made a huge mistake.

While I don’t think our relationship was a mistake, I think it was complicated because we jumped into it so fast and began spending nearly every minute of everyday together. I forgot about my own life and stopped trying to make new friends. Even when I was in Wyoming in December, I had plans to meet up with a girl from Bumble BFF but then didn’t for many reasons but mainly because I didn’t want to tell James that I wanted to go out without him when I was there visiting him.

Being with James had me giving up on my own life. I guess I lost my sense of self in our relationship. I stopped going out for walks or bike rides unless he wanted to go with me. I had even made friends with a girl named Emma but stopped hanging out with her because I always chose James over her. At the time, I thought that was a good choice but looking back, I realize that we probably needed to maintain our own lives in order to have a strong and stable life together.

I always hated the girls who gave up on their friends when they were in relationships and there I was, that girl, and I didn’t even realize it. Where did Annie go?

I know that James looks at my Instagram stories and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Does he wonder where the girl he dated disappeared to since we broke up? Does he miss the old Annie or does he wish he was with the new Annie?

The other day I rushed to the hair salon because I swore I saw some white strands in my hair. White, yes, white, not grey. I’m pretty sure it was caused by stress and even though my mom tried to suggest that maybe it was a white blonde, I was still in a panic. I thought the girl would do my base color as blonde but something clearly went wrong and left my hair with a reddish tint. At home, I told myself that red (or anything) was better than white and maybe I just need to embrace this new version of myself. I never would have gone and asked for her to dye my hair red but maybe red is just the change that I needed. Maybe red is the beginning of the new Annie.

I’m tossing this back and forth-- am I the new Annie or the old Annie, before James and all of the heartbreak? Maybe I’m a mixture of both. I’m reclaiming parts of my old life before James but I’m also embracing this new version of myself.

Being alone has given me more time back since I’ve been working my part-time job right now and not flying. When I’m out and about, I don’t feel like I need to rush home to James because he’s not there but I stay out around town and I get things done. I love spending my evenings (and some mornings) at exercise classes, bible study, and serving with the students at church. I’m enjoying making dinner plans with new friends and even had brunch today (on Valentine’s Day) with a new friend.

All of these new things in my life are great but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss James. Sometimes I feel like I wish we could have that do-over, just like Tully talked about on Firefly Lane. I wish we could meet up in person and talk about all of this and realize these things together. I wish we could start over and maintain our own lives but be together and go to sleep and wake up together everyday. I wish we could hold onto what worked and fix what didn’t work.

I feel like there is no end to missing him. I feel like I constantly put on this façade that everything is great but deep down, I’m still hurting. If you’d seen what my house looks like these days, you’d understand. I’ve always been the person who tries to keep my house tidy and I even “chop” the pillows on my couch and make my bed everyday. Lately, I don’t do any of those things. My kitchen seems to be an endless mess, my pillows don’t look nice, there’s papers on my kitchen table, my bed isn’t made, and I haven’t even put my suitcase away from my recent travels. The laundry is piling up, once again.

When does this end? Will there come a day when I stop missing him? If I’m not looking to meet someone new right now, how will I move on?

Maybe tomorrow (as I tell myself everyday), I’ll clean my house and get my life back together. Aside from my house, the goal these days has been to get myself back in shape and lose some weight (that I gained while we were dating). It’s not even that I want to look like I did when I met James but I want to look better than that and even better than when I was spending time with Ryan.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to focus on myself right now and even if we never get that do-over or I wake up and it’s April (like in my dream last week), I’ve learned to never let go of my own life. Never stop maintaining your own life for your relationship because you need both your life on your own and your life together in order to have the best kind of relationship. It has to be a good balance of both.

Happy Valentine’s Day! You are never, ever alone.

xoxo

Annie

0 notes

thesassybooskter · 5 years

Text

ROOM TO BREATHE by Liz Talley: Feature, Excerpt & Giveaway

NOW AVAILABLE / MONTLAKE ROMANCE

For a good part of Daphne Witt’s life, she was a supportive wife and dutiful mother. Now that she’s divorced and her daughter, Ellery, is all grown up, Daphne’s celebrating the best part of her life, a successful career, and a flirtation with an attentive hunk fifteen years her junior . . . who happens to be her daughter’s ex-boyfriend.

Ellery is starting over, too. She’s fresh out of college. Her job prospects are dim. And to support her fiancé in med school, she’s returned home as her mother’s new assistant. Ellery never expected her own life plan to take such a detour. With no outlet for her frustration, she lets an online flirtation go a little too far, especially considering her pen pal thinks he’s corresponding with her mother.

As love lives tangle, secrets spill, and indiscretions are betrayed, mother and daughter will have a lot to learn—not only about the mistakes they’ve made but also about the men in their lives and the women they are each hoping to become.

Buy Online: Amazon | Add to Goodreads

From the Author: Starting and Starting Over in Room To Breathe by Liz Talley

Room to Breathe is a story of two southern women at very different stages in their lives who are experiencing the same sense of “starting over.” Daphne Witt is weeks from turning forty, in a career that she never expected, and ready to start dating after a divorce. Her daughter Ellery is essentially untested in the world. Young, beautiful, accustomed to everything going her way, Ellery finds herself with a less than dazzling job, a distracted fiancé and, for the first time ever, doubts about who she is and where she’s going. When the novel begins, we find Daphne dealing with an awakened libido she thought long dead, and Ellery struggling to accept working for her mother and living with a fiancé who has little time for her. Both women redirect their dissatisfaction toward secret desires – Daphne for a much younger contractor, and Ellery for a secret email pal who thinks she’s her mother. Like the vines of a vineyard, things get tangled quickly by decisions that not only threaten the fragile mother-daughter relationship, but each woman’s future.

One thing I really like about Daphne is her self-awareness. She’s been content to stand in the wings while everyone else in her life commandeered the spotlight, but now she’s ready to take her turn on the stage. She’s bumbled into a dream she never knew existed as a children’s author, and she’s really good at what she does and becomes an overnight success. But her family, even her ex-husband, can’t seem to let go of the woman she once was. They want the old Daphne, the one who put everyone else before herself. I intentionally gave Daphne a secret crush on a younger man and had her pay attention to her sexuality. Women of a certain age are often set aside, as if their “ sexiness” has a shelf life. I wanted Daphne awakened to the fact that as a woman entering her forties, she still needed intimacy and affection. I wanted her to struggle with the guilt, be tempted, and have a little fun with someone…young enough to date her daughter.

Ellery is the girl I once was. I remember being invincible, tossing my curls over my shoulder as a flounced around in my cheerleading skirt. The world was about me and what I wanted, what I thought I deserved. I wasn’t a bad person, but I do remember my brother once bringing my requested shoes on a throw pillow, bowing, and saying “your slippers, my lady.” I led a charmed life…until life punched me in the face. It has a tendency to do that in your mid-twenties when you find out (gasp!) the world doesn’t revolve around you. So I wanted to take a princess, toss her in the mud, and see what happened. Ellery isn’t always likable, but she’s authentic. And by the end of the book, she sees her mother as a person and not just her mother. Both Ellery and Daphne have a big growth arc in this book.

Room to Breathe has secrets, twists, bad decisions, surprises, and angst, yet it also has humor, heat, and heart tugs. I love the guys in the book – Clay (the hot contractor), Gage (Ellery’s surprise crush) and Evan (the vineyard owner) and I really like the interactions between Ellery and Daphne. I think readers will recognize themselves most in Daphne, but they’ll also remember how hard it is standing on one’s own two feet as Ellery must do. I’m proud of this book about letting go and taking the lemons that life hands you, tossing them, and pouring a glass of wine. Cheers to all the women who aren’t afraid to start over and create their own new paths!

Excerpt

“What are you trying to say?” Daphne asked. Ellery always tried to get her to go to exercise classes, but Daphne preferred running most days. Organized classes had never appealed to her. Exercise was her escape, a time she could jab in her earbuds and listen to podcasts or a book that didn’t feature poodles and tea parties.

“That you isolate yourself out here. Hanging out with Pop Pop and Tippy Lou isn’t exactly being social. You can make friends in these classes, plus use muscles you never knew you had.” Ellery rose and smoothed the T-shirt swing top she wore over a pair of ripped boyfriend jeans. Several strands of delicate gold chain were layered around her neck. Her daughter somehow managed to look stylish and trendy in sloppy clothes. Daphne always looked . . . well, sloppy in sloppy clothes.

“Maybe,” she conceded, only because her daughter was unfortunately correct. She enjoyed visiting her father and playing dominoes with his friends, even if they were out of her age range. And her neighbor Tippy Lou Carmichael, while delightfully droll and enigmatic to the point of oddness, wasn’t going to go shopping with her or out to drinks. Tippy Lou preferred herbal tea on her front porch while she watched the feral cats she fed every morning chase lizards and laze about in her garden.

Daphne had always been the type of person to have only a few close friends. Though she’d cultivated friendships with many of the other teachers at Saint Peter’s Day School, where she’d worked as a teacher’s aide for fifteen years before staying home to write, she’d never been good at being social. She had church friends, a book club, and knew a few local writers who wrote professionally, but her best friend, Karyn Little, had moved to Idaho with her new husband over a year ago.

In a few short years, she’d lost her husband to self-centeredness and her BFF to the land of potatoes.

“Not maybe. Definitely,” Ellery said, looking over at her.

“Maybe I’ll try it.” Going to the class with Ellery might help their relationship, something that Daphne couldn’t seem to get back on track. She didn’t know what was wrong, how she should act, whether she should have given Ellery a job or not. Daphne had only wanted to make things better for Ellery. That’s what every mother did, right?

But Ellery had grown more and more distant over the past few months. Daphne suspected that it had something to do with something Rex had said, but Ellery wouldn’t open up. Any time Daphne asked her what was bothering her or if she wanted to talk, her daughter would tell her everything was “fine.” She’d begun to hate that word.

“I’m pretty much done for the day. I have to mail these packages. These are a few of the winners from your online party.” Ellery picked up a bag full of colorful pink envelopes, walked out the door and right into Clay.

“Whoa, hey, Elle,” he said, grabbing her elbow and steadying her. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“I saw you last week at Elmo’s,” Ellery said, shrugging off Clay’s hand. “But I guess you were too trashed to remember?”

“Hey, I was celebrating a new contract, but, yeah, I guess I had a few too many.”

“Honestly, Clay, it’s time you grew up,” Ellery said, pushing past him before spinning back. The Tom Ford scent she wore tickled Daphne’s nose.

“Guys never grow up, do we?” Clay joked.

“Some don’t.” Ellery gave him a flat look.

Her daughter had dated several guys in high school but had been tight-lipped when it came to information on what had happened between her and Clay. Daphne vaguely remembered a dustup with the head cheerleader for a rival school. Ellery had been only a sophomore, and Daphne remembered Clay being her daughter’s first heartbreak. Ellery had rebounded quickly with the quarterback for the Riverton Falcons. She had an uncanny ability to hook a new, even cuter guy after each successive breakup through high school and college.

Point in case—Josh was so pretty angels sang when he walked by.

Daphne still didn’t know her soon-to-be son-in-law very well because he was always studying, but he seemed to truly care about her daughter. And that was what mattered most.

“I’m out, y’all.” Ellery disappeared.

Clay turned his pretty blue eyes on Daphne. “Sorry to interrupt. I wanted to get your opinion on the marble. They sent two different samples in your color range. One has a lot of movement, the other is pretty simple.”

“Sure, I’ll take a look,” Daphne said, following him outside her office and into the heat of late morning.

Ellery tossed the bag of packages into the narrow back seat of her sleek new Lexus and gave them an absentminded wave.

“She’s a firecracker,” Clay said with a smile before jogging down the front porch steps. Today he wore a T-shirt. Thank God. The jeans fit him like a second skin, though. So now she had to contend with the butt thing.

Not only had she practically drooled over a shirtless Clay yesterday, but she’d actually rated the bag boy’s backside that morning at the grocery store. Thankfully Steve the bag boy was older than Clay, but she was now convinced her libido had written a memo titled “Take Care of Your Sexuality before You Mount the Bag Boy.” She wondered if something was wrong with her hormones. Or maybe she was ovulating. Something other than going middle-aged crazy.

Wait, was turning forty years old hitting middle age?

Nah. And technically she was still thirty-nine for the next two months.

***

a Rafflecopter giveaway

About Liz Talley

A finalist for both the Romance Writers of America’s prestigious Golden Heart and RITA Awards, Liz Talley has found a home writing heartwarming contemporary romance. Her stories are set in the South, where the tea is sweet, the summers are hot, and the porches are welcoming. She lives in North Louisiana with her childhood sweetheart, two handsome children, three dogs, and a naughty kitty. Readers can visit Liz at www.liztalleybooks.com.

Website | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads

ROOM TO BREATHE by Liz Talley: Feature, Excerpt & Giveaway was originally published on The Sassy Bookster

0 notes