#i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zsuuv139 · 7 months

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rare original content time! and its gonna be me venting

cw: weight "management", weight loss and gain, gynecological issues, doctors, the rona

so either this story starts in my childhood: i've always been a fat girl and have recently discovered that it was basically eating for attention, positive or negative, since i also was a glass child.

or this story starts 3 years ago, with the pandemic. where i gained even more weight. but i also met this guy and he and another friend somewhat motivated me to lose a lot of weight (that i was really happy with and i felt better in my body, happier overall due to exercise). and then last february (2022) not only did i hook up with a guy, i also got myself a nice little BV out of it. and ofc the rona. after the rona cleared up, i went to a gyno who also did an ultrasound and found a cyst. i felt my life implode - i had only heard bad stuff about ovarian cysts.

they told me to not do intense workouts and put me on hormonal birth control. i could barely stand on my 2 legs. and i was depressed as hell. gained a lot of it back. got off the birth control because suddenly the cyst was not on my ovary anymore but somehow adjacent to it and hormones dont help anymore. still couldn't work out.

am also supposed to get an mri that either has a 6 month waitlist or a 100+ usd cost - my monthly pay is about 1k usd so i kinda cant afford it.

i recently took steps toward getting the mri - another gyno visit. now i also have a polycystic ovary (just one of the 2. hormone levels still ok - not pcos).

im also currently getting fired/ laid off and at the time of that appointment, i had just found out and was already exhausted because of multiple failed applications. i was certain that the layoff would happen and was looking and interviewing but got no offers.

when i tried to explain my health situation to my doctor, i ended up crying. she was patient, gave me some paper towels to wipe my face and explained how the procedures were gonna go. i liked the experience overall.

i also gained all the weight i had lost back.

docs want to investigate possible insulin resistance - i got my blood drawn and since then i have a bruise where i was stuck. this has not happened ever before, and i did used to get blood tests for a thyroid issue. im now wondering if this is bc im fat.

went to an endocrinologist - thyroid levels not optimal, and potential insulin resistance that i was hoping they could advise me on.

she calls my name. "how's it going with the weight loss?" i remark that not well.

"do you have endometriosis?"

"im not sure. afaik it needs surgery to be diagnosed and i havent had any surgery in that area. but my periods do hurt like hell and get kinda plentiful, so it wouldnt be a shock."

first few questions go normal, i know my meds, doses, diagnoses. she starts talking about weight loss. i just take it in an "ok im not coming back to her" way. then she starts asking about the cyst. i tell her what i know. she asks "but what does the mri say?" "dunno, they have a 6 month waitlist" "and youre not willing to pay for an emergency?"

now, in her pov, this random fat woman starts crying.

in my pov, all my job hunt stress and worries bubble up - im crying as im typing this ffs, and i do have a job offer currently! i recall how, if i qwere to go on unemployment, i would be eligible for 120 usd a month - i couldn't even pay rent with that! i recall how our transfer within the company was treated - we were told there would be opportunities and we will have to apply, then we applied, got little feedback, and as the other project's start date approached, they started pressuring us (most specifically, me) to do our tests asap and i was literally given 20 minutes on the end of a workweek to decide if i wanted to start on the other project on monday. did not go well.

so i just ended up crying - and angry at myself, since earlier i would just be angry if anything happens, and i was used to working with anger, but i dont know how to deal with crying.

she may have acknowledged that i was crying, saying she knows this situation is not easy but i should do everything to get out of it (no shit).

then, sobbing, i explained that the gyno did not say the mri would be urgent, and she did acknowledge the long waitlist.

doctor goes back to weight loss / eating habits. do i eat dairy? dairy is like fertilizer for the cysts, she says. "i don't drink cows milk. i do like yogurts and cheeses tho." "no, you cannot eat cheese".

what the actual fuck is happening?

she asks me to lay down for an ultrasound of my thyroid (to make sure its all good). i explain that its left side was taken out and on the right, there seems to be just a tiny little lump, and im kinda curious if it grew. should i take off my shirt? nah, just pull the neckline apart.

i would have rather taken it off but k.

she acknowledges that the left lobe is indeed not there, and goes to town with the ultrasound ot see whats up on the remaining right half. kinda hurts but whatever. lets just get this over with.

"how much do ypu weigh?"

"honestly, too much rn"

"100 kg?"

"uhm... [i am above that so i say 5 kg less]"

...

"why did they leave the right lobe?"

fuck knows, lady, it was 10 years ago and im not a doctor. i was an entire child, do you think anyone cared to explain the medical decisions? do you think i understood?

"the theory was that they were hoping it would work at least on its own or that it would make up for the left part"

"well that isnt happening"

"i have noticed. but idk if taking it out now would do any good."

"nah"

tells me i can wipe off the gel and calls me back to her desk while she writes up her report.

tells me that i need a nutritionist for the insulin resistance and refers me to a colleague. then gets back on weight loss.

"the small blob on your thyroid would go away if you managed to lose the weight"

"also don't eat bread. don't have more than 2 slices a day" "i already don't eat bread" "then stop eating pasta."

gurl idk how to tell you but pasta and cheese are the only joy left in my life.

"but you have to go to a specialist. no one can do this alone"

idk how to tell you but im not _paying_ for someone to yell at me to lose weight... i know a lot about diets, nutrition, how a meal should look like, calories, intermittent fasting (btw, have you ever had an endocrinologist recommend intermittent fasting? i heard it was bad for your hormones lol), and i don't want to give like 70 usd for a "specialist" to potentially tell me nothing new. is this arrogant? yes. but again im not rich.

is it cheaper than whatever i would need to do if my body continues to deteriorate? idk. i would have to put it on my goddamn credit card tho.

and then i look on the paper she gave me.

she wrote "emotionally-pshychologically unstable" as a symptom. fuck off the entire way.

i left her office. i cried. i cried some more. i complained to my friends. almost lost it when i couldn't attach a lid on an iced coffee and it spilled on me. i didn't tell my parents because i do not trust them with questions regarding my mental health.

and i read her note about our meet again.

she wrote

"antecedent: right lobectomy.

currently right lobe micronodule"

so that's how doctors listen to fat people.

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kwonhoshi0 · 3 years

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𝐛𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐠𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 | h.c

navigation | requests : closed | 12th march 2021

pairing : bakugou x poc!reader

genre : fluff, comfort angst

warnings : eating, insecurity, skinny shaming

request : can I request a Bakugou x poc!reader where he’s comforting the reader who is insecure about being skinny because like everyone expects poc to be thicc (which is really annoying) and she’s constantly being told to eat more and stuff like that -🥥

note : i like being able to write about these things because so many people expect us to have bubble bums and be busty asf but that isnt the case, what makes me insecure is when people point it out as if im meant to be upset ab it.

[ bakugou ]

> first of all this man has never once throughout liking you or dating you thought about your body in a malicious way

> it didn’t even cross his mind that you’d be insecure about it since he thinks you’re literally beautiful??;28

> he loves your body and he wants you to love it as well

> hes never put you in an uncomfortable situation or made you eat more than you wanted to

> if you ever asked him why he doesnt ask he’d say ‘because if its enough for you its enough for me’

> he knew that how much you ate isnt the issue, you just dont gain weight sometimes and that cant be controlled so he understood your frustration when people told you to eat more

-> scenario

> you have a couple friends outside of UA and they arent really the greatest of friends but you felt as though you owed them since theyve stuck with you through your childhood to now

> you were slowly realising how much happier the bakusquad made you

> you invited your two friends to the dorms for the day

> your friends were excited to meet them and you hadn’t seen them in a while since you felt them drifting away

> it didnt bother you much until they texted you making you feel guilty ‘you’re dumping us for your weird friends y/n?’

> it pissed you off how they called your friends weird but you thought maybe they’re better now, bakugou used to bully midoriya and he’s much better now right?

> they came over and you all sat down and you immediately felt horrible

> you could see them judging you and the bakusquad

> they were sat with your friends and constantly whispered, denki didnt even want to flirt with them he noticed how off they are

> you decided to go to the kitchen to make some tea and they decided to follow you which made bakugou get suspicious and so he eavesdropped outside

> denki kirishima and mina also felt mischievous

> but your ‘friends’ weren’t exactly being pleasant to you

> as soon as they got into the kitchen they started degrading your body

> ‘hi guys, how do you like my friends?’

> ‘weird as hell’... ‘oh?’

> ‘y/n have you eaten anything in the past week’ she joked eyeing your body as she turned to your other friend as they both laughed

> ‘you’re not being fucking serious?’

> they didn’t really expect you speak up since you usually let it pass but this was about your body so they had crossed a line

> ‘well can you blame us’

> just as you were about to chew them out bakugou kirishima mina and denki walked in and mina quite literally burnt off some of their hair with her acid

> ‘Don’t talk to her or fucking anybody like that alright extras? if not ill blow the rest of your hair off’ bakugou was being scary as fuck bc this man wasnt yelling he was calm as fuck with a murderous smirk

> after you all scared them out bakugou immediately took you to his dorms and you watched a movie

> you turned over because you were a little tired and he started rubbing your arm pulling you closer to him and pressed small kisses along your jaw

> ‘dont listen to those stupid fuckin extras, if they’re gonna stoop to degrading your body then they dont deserve shit nevermind your friendship’

> ‘dont change how much you eat because of them, or feel bad about yourself.. you’re fuckin beautiful’

> whether you said anything or not didnt matter he traced shapes along your waist and had his face buried in your neck praising you until you fell asleep and napped together

> he knows when to give you affection and praise when you need it

taglist :

@todoroki-shoto-is-life @blazedbakugou @luluwiie @blue-gold-demigod-clouds @gazelle-des-pres

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sevicia · 2 years

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tw weight (numbers), ed, sex. harassment (m), and everything related to the first two themes. im just thinking out loud here, pls dont worry if you do read

nearly every person i know has gained weight during quarantine but for me its been especially hard.... since i barely ate during the entirety of 2018 and i dropped to 105 from like... 158 (lbs) and i suddenly had to cold turkey that lifestyle due to my family and my mental health, so i ended up gaining a bunch of weight (olanzapine did Not help) and then quarantine hit and i gained even MORE. i ended up weighing around 205 lbs last year and i felt so terrible about myself, and i dont know how but ive been losing tiny amounts of weight here and there so not im at like ... 182 ? lbs but i still feel terrible, even though i DO see a very huge difference (on my face specifically, my eyes were barely there before bc chubby cheeks). Its just heartbreaking to me that im about 80 pounds heavier than my lowest weight while in teenhood (which i am still in) (i havent grown any taller), and i think to myself how did you let me get this big ? why do you need to eat ? cant you just starve like you used to ? and i never have any answer.

plus theres the fact that even though i was a skinny kid i always, always got called fat and huge because of my wide hips that only seem to get wider. so i grew up thinking i was fat while i was definitely not, and i think that messed me up even further. when i first gained SOME weight and got a belly bump after having a flat belly for years and years, i was almost happy. i thought to myself "oh this is cute! i like it." i didnt mind that i was heavier, i really didnt. i started caring when my sister got sick to her stomach and couldnt eat much and dropped a significant amt of weight, and people started giving her even more compliments and ignored me further.

so i began to not eat because all ive ever wanted was to be paid positive attention to. i never did get it, not even at 105. all people would tell me is that i looked like i was dying, when i really didnt. i looked like my sister when she was skinny. nobody told HER those mean things, and i still cant understand why. in the end i gained it all back and now people tell me i look like i need help again. the few times i was an avg weight i either got called fat or sexually harassed, all because of my body's weight distribution. i just cant win, ever.

and then theres the fact that its just so hard to find a good nutritionist around here in cerro navia. the medical attention is really not ideal, and i have to go all the way to another commune in order to get therapy. so i havent been able to find someone thatll give me a meal plan made for ME and not for the average 18 yr old afab person....

and im angry about so many things, too. like how i used to be the type of person who'd eat anything he liked and never gain weight, how i never worried about calories or scales or my belly, or my face. ive always known i was ugly, but i was forced to start caring at around 10.

anyways, im not feeling like i did last night or anything. i just feel, again, like life is really, really unfair. Which might be loser mentality or whatevr people call it but its the one i got so.... im just thinking out loud. ily all. i wish my apple pen was working, i rly feel like drawing.

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kingsephir · 3 years

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I’m having a dilemma.

So my inlaws are back (we are living with them until I leave for Japan) and I am hungry. They’re really nice people and not mean at all but I’m still super anxious… I want to order some food, but like my MIL commented on how much weight I’ve gained. Which she doesn’t do out of malice, and she doesn’t know I have an ED and I’m certainly not going to ever tell her. Pretty sure my husband doesn’t belive I have an ED. But whatever. So I feel like she’ll judge me, but I know she won’t. She’s so kind but I feel so embarrassed about myself and my body lately and on top of that I get super nervous and anxious when people I don’t know well are in the place i’m living. And I guess I know them actually really well but I’m just constantly totally embarrassed by my own existence. I’m so hungry but I don’t want to bother them with them saying oh, xyz is in the fridge etc. Like I just want to eat something in peace. But also like i’ve gotten so chubby and I want to loose weight bc I’m so uncomfortable and I don’t fit into my clothes and I’m NOT buying new clothes bc mine are special and also some are expensive and I’m just so hungry…. But it’s also really late at night and I shouldn’t be eating this late and I told my husband i’m so tired of overeating so he’s probably not gonna get me food and if he does he’ll be like, disappointed in me and honestly that’s the worst to me.

And on top of that I wasn’t able to help my friend who needed my help today and no body else is helping her and I just can’t- I don’t have the energy to help move. But like, honestly why is she relying on just me? She needed to lock in some other people to help her. I told her time and time again I probably would be able to help her but i’m not sure so why can’t she plan ahead? And I feel bad bc moving is stressful but also im like fuck her for making me feel this way and putting all this weight on my shoulders. Like bro, I’m not ur mover and you knew I was on antibiotics etc. like she hasn’t said anything negative and I’m almost positive she isn’t that mad and she understands but like bro. I’m so fucking stressed rn and so hungry and I’m having such a bad time rn and I’m crying like 5x a day at least lately and I’m gonna have to go help her tomorrow bc I can’t just leave her like this but also idk how I’m gonna do it???????!!!! And IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY AND NOW IM FUCKING CRYING AGAIN SO I CANT GO UPSTAIRS TO GET FOOD AND ITS TOO LATE TO BE EATING ANYWAYS AND WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????

WHY AM I HAVING SO MANY BREAKDOWNS WHEN EVERYTHING IS PERFECT FOR ME??? ITS JUST ME MAKING IT BAD ITS ALWAYS JUST ME JUST FINDING SOMETHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING IS FINE AND GOING REALLY WELL SO WHY DID I GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BAD FRIEND AND WHY DO I EVEN CARE IF IM A BAD FRIEND IVE NEBER CARED BEFORE BUT I FUCKING CARE NOW AND IM JUST SO UPSET ALL THE TIME FOR WHAT??? FOR WHAT!!!!???? NOTHING!!!!!!! ITS ALL IN MY FUCKING HEAD.

AND IM STILL HUNGRY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#preytell #praytell

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dawniebb · 4 years

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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swamp-ghoul-blog · 6 years

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12:10 PM

so just a recap since i’ve been in “recovery” i haven’t gained much this time but im not at my lw anymore rip. got a gym membership and im gonna start doing classes with my mom (i don’t live with my parents so i’m excited to get to hang out with her and work out)

my mom started doing this hcg diet where she’s supposed to only eat 500 cal a day and talking to her abt that was super triggering, along with talking to my bf about his weight loss (he’s lost 20lbs in the past couple months while barely cutting down on anything)

my shitty roommate is gone and now it’s just me and my bf, and our new roommate starts moving in this week. he’s a total health freak and i know having that kind of presence is gonna help motivate me to stay focused on my goal (not to mention i’ll be too anxious to binge around him lol hi i can’t eat in front of people im not comfortable with espECIALLY skinny guys)

since ive been maintaining with such a high intake im gonna try to only restrict to 1200 at least for a week or so and only drop when my metabolism starts slowing down. i’ve set myself up for failure in the past by restricting to 500 right off the bat when i relapse and i lose like 10lbs in a week but cant keep it off and i feel so guilty and su*c*dal and have to try and recover again but maybe eating a little more than im comfortable with will put me in a middle spot without “i’m eating to much” guilt or “i’m killing myself” guilt

ultimately my BDD is what’s pushing me to do this again. it’s gotten to the point where i can visually see my self warping and bloating and shifting when i look in the mirror. it’s like an acid trip, my skin and my body is “breathing” and moving and i know it’s not actually but i can fucking see it!!! ive never hallucinated before but im pretty sure thats whats happening now and im terrified bc i dont want to ever go IP and im too scared to get help bc i think if i told someone like a professional whats going on they’d send me away and i’d lose my job, and probably my apartment, and maybe even my boyfriend would leave me and i cant lose my entire life over getting “help” like thats not gonna help me at all i would fucking kill myself and really do it this time

#that got dark im sorry #i havent talked to anyone about this for months im EXPLOADING with food anxiety #p

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themeed · 3 years

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back from my trip! surprisingly enough nobody questioned me eating a small bowl of cereal, 2 or 3 homemade cookies, and a teacup plate of dinner. ig its considered normal in the house of academia? i dont have an exact count but my highest day i had like. 6 takeout dumplings, 3 cookies, and half a biscuit sandwich for dinner. so like. all other days should be well under 1000. and it shows!! im down to 174.2 :D a whole three and a half pounds from my last weigh in! which was on the 17th, still on my period, at 177.8.

The drive back was extra stressful and my bills are due this week, so I'm probably not gonna track overly much? I'll still be doing general weigh ins and watching how much i eat but im short on cash anyway so ill be eating like. mozzarella on homemade bread, peanut butter and crackers, and mashed potatoes. for the next week. maybe tuna salad one day for extra protein, and a portion of frozen fruit for Vitamins and shit.

i told my dad i was losing weight and he was proud of me! i told him i was doing 1300 a day or so tho so he doesnt worry 😂 he gave the general 1200 or below is Dangerous but i already know more than he does on caloric body requirements? considering he only knows what my serial dieter mom does.

cant WAIT to see him in april on his birthday! i should be another 20 pounds down by then at least!! then again on my birthday at my goal weight! ooooooh and making my mom jealous maybe. i want her to see me becoming successful AFTER being free from her and make that connection. its vindictive and ugly and mean. but i want her to realize that she was wrong. and made mistakes. and is overly controlling. and needs to give my brother more freedom.

huh. those vindictive feelings definitely stem from a place of hurt. im still hurting and i want her to hurt and UNDERSTAND. and i know shes not likely to and that hurts more.

gods im still grieving for this relationship and hoping that shell change. but like. our relationship isnt. going to heal itself. and she wont admit shes wrong where i need her to for this to work. and its still too fresh. and im not willing or able to confront her in my current state.

maybe being smol will help.

nah, stronk will help more. and maybe having a gun bc i know she has one too.

that said got another repressed memory! mom threatened me with a knife once. and i know she MEANT it to come off as a joke. but shes joked about that before and this time her body language was Matched To Her Words. why do i still vaguely hope to repair my relationship with her?

because we had some good times and i KNOW i dont owe her anything but. hm. i miss how simple things once appeared to be. i know they werent great and i am in fact MUCH less stressed now, or at least in different ways that i can handle.

fucking. emotions are hard. i dont want to be missing her anymore. i feel bad about how things ended because it SUCKED and i didnt get to say what i wanted to. and i feel like... im hoping that she

nope sc says to stop ill come back to this when im more emotionally ready.

anyway im very happy to have lost 3 pounds over the trip when i expected to gain!!

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flowerhyunjins-blog · 6 years

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popular!chan x writer!reader

here’s my first thread! lets go!!

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇

youre,,,really fuckin weird and loud

so like you own 6 notebooks you never finish

and you write a lot of stories

chan's part of the soccer team

friends with those kids

so like you lowkey hate him

but at the same time he’s pretty nice and his smile melts you so,,,,

you have a tiny crush on him but you keep pushing it down but OOPS MISTAKE IT MADE THEM STRONGER

so like at one point you guys are lab partners

and chan’s excited bc he’s gonna get to know a new person for 3 months!!

but you’re on the verge of tears because god,,,,,fuck no

so you’re complaining about this to your friends when he walks into class

“it’s so fucking annoying! i’m partnered with an asshole?”

you don’t know he’s behind you until your friends tell you and you turn around

and he’s there

and he’s looking at you

but he doesnt say anything

he just smiled at you, sadder this time, and put his bag on his table and just,,,,sat there

and you feel so fucking terrible and you cant stop looking at him from across the room

what used to be stares that lasted a second too long turned into nothing

a little after that incident

you had to go to malaysia to get your check up

you didnt know it but chan was so worried ???

he kept asking your friends how you were

and they were just like “dude she’s fine shut up”

but he’s so terrified you’re not well

but you come back and you missed 2 days but you’re okay

and hes like “thank god“ internally but he doesn’t show it

in phys ed you don’t do shit with your friends

you sit around and talk while he plays soccer or some shit with his friends

and that one friend of yours keeps noticing the glances chan gave you but you never caught because your back is to him

its like he’s internally yelling “hey!! i just did that!! did you see it!?!?”

and you don’t but he isn’t giving up

yeah he keeps doing things to get your attention

jesus chan

when a lab experiment comes it’s chemistry and you’re shit at it

and remembering what you said before about chan you’re like SO PRESSURED FCJJJFJF

but he comes in and he smiles his cute dimpled smile and goes like “hi! let’s do well today!!”

and you’re gonna break down but you just smile at him too and nod

and you’re good because you brought the materials and the workbook is easy for you to complete it’s just the notes that bother you

and chan sees you trying to get reference from your notebook to answer the question but getting nothing

so he offers you his notes and you…slowly…take it

and you did it!! with chan!!!!

well it was mostly you answering and him copying but

he asked for explanations so he learned something too

your friends are,,,,across the room,,,,,,gushing about how fucking cute the interaction was

and since that day science was last period chan comes to you after school and went like “listen…i don’t know what made you hate me, but i’m sorry for whatever i did. ill try to fix it.”

you’re suddenly so guilty and you tell him you don’t actually hate him because?? that hate was so irrational???

and he just smiles. again. and you’re about to cry inside.

“i’m glad to hear that. lets be friends from now on, okay?”

and you’re like fucking ecstatic he really just-

HE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND

AND YOURE YELLING ABOUT THIS IN THE GC AT HOME AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST LIKE

“mmhm cool.”

WHILE YOU’RE BEHIND THE SCREEN AND YOU’RE WRITING IN YOUR NOTEBOOK AND YOU’RE WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS

BUT YOURE BASING THEM ON YOU AND CHAN

bc it’s the only way you con cope with the unrequited feelings

but hohoho little do you know this australian immigrant is so fucking whipped for you

the next lab experiment that happens required a lemon and detergent.

you brought the lemon and chan brought the detergent.

so like chan is a dumbass and he tried eating the detergent, making you smack him

but then when it came to the lemons you both were dumbasses and ended up eating the lemons

BUT OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU LIKE LEMONS

SO WHEN YOU DRAIN THE WHOLE SLICE CHAN’S LOOKING AT YOU WITH A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE

BECAUSE YOU FLINCHED ONLY O N C E

and he’s just there like…”how????”

but like anyway during the experiment you had to test pH levels using litmus paper

so he took the blue one and you took the red one

and youre placing them on the white tablet already

but he has trouble tearing them off

he keeps tearing off too little and he ends up getting the pieces too small or too big

dumb shit

so you teach him BUT YOUR HANDS HAVE TO TOUCH

SO THEY DO AND YOURE GUIDING THEM AND HIS HAND IS SO SOFT AND WARM AND HIS FINGERS ARE SO PRETTILY DEFINED LIKE

HELLO YOUR HEART IS GOING BOOM BOOM RIGHT NOW

so after you teach him you’re whole face is red so you just,,,,,go back to your own thing

but the whole time he’s looking at you with such admiration and he has this cute smile on his face

and oh my god guess who’s about to cry again

“so what do you write about?“

fuck you cant tell him you write about gay men

“fiction…i guess. angst mostly.”

“damn, that’s some real talent right there.“

and you’re really crying because you’ve never really felt like you were talented

and chan was the one to tell you that

HOW COULD YOU NOT SOB?

and he’s like “oh shit did i say something wrong? i’m so so sorry. what did i do? are you okay? wait here let me-”

“no it’s okay!! i just never felt like i was talented before…”

and his jaw drops and he’s like “dude! are you kidding me!! i read your stuff in english while passing papers out and that’s the best i’ve read in such a long time!!! what do you mean you’re not talented?!?!?!?!”

and you give him a smile and thank him because…oh my god…

and like he hugs you from behind and rests his chin on your head as you go back to the initial experiment

“i’ve always thought you were talented. please don’t say that again.”

and you freeze for a moment because hes hugging you. in class. but everyone’s distracted and no ones looking

and it stays like that. the whole period.

this time you don’t even tell your friends because it was such…a special…interaction

the next day in class he takes your best friend’s seat with her permission

and you’re just like…what??

and you don’t say anything, but the whole period his cheek is in his hands and he’s just staring at you

and you’re…gonna cry again

“chan, stop staring at her and get to work.“

and this boy flinched and almost fell off his chair when the teacher called him out

but he does as told and you’re smiling to yourself

so he’s done. in a flash. and there are like, 10 minutes left ???

you know what this little shit does

he holds your hand under the desks

your heart is going 10 miles a second right now and HOLY SHIT-

“do you wanna write about us?”

lmfao BITCH YOU ALREADY DO JSJFDJF

“w-what?”

“about us, you know. our relationship.”

boy our w h a t

“…”

“you already do, don’t you?”

f u c k

“here’s something to continue the events”

and this piece of shit, oh my god

he takes a letter out of his bag and gives it to you and you’re like, gonna really sob again

the bell rings and he tells you to read it later

and you do as break goes on and your friends are talking to each other

they think you wrote the letter as a new story concept but NUH UH GIRLS

and the letter is so fucking cheesy but it all boiled down to a little shy, extended “will you go out with me?”

and you’re literally gonna slap him because he asked you out by doing what you loved most; writing

so when classes start again he’s there first

and his friend was gonna sit next to him but you took it first

and you looked him dead in the eye and said “yes”.

HE DOESN’T PROCESS THINGS EASILY

so you have chan sitting there with a blank look on his face before a smile slowly comes on his face when he realizes. and in the end his dimples are showing again and you’re gonna melt because he’s so happy

“really?”

“you think i’m kidding?“

“oh my god!!”

and he stands up and he turns to one of your friends and yelled “it worked!!” while jumping up and down

turns out those two were working together all along

and you were gonna, smack these two bitches

but from there the relationship started

and you have complete opposites together but they’re happy and it’s adorable

because chan will put flowercrowns on your head while you put headbands on him

and you’re gonna scream because he’s so fUCKING CUTE

BUT HE’S GONNA SCREAM TOO BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING ETHEREAL JDSFKJA

he learns a side of you that will literally apologize for the smallest things

like you’ll apologize over and over again

and he’s just like “what the fuck?? what for???“

and you told him because he was dating you and you’re really weird because you have your nose constantly buried in a notebook

and you’re,,,,,,so sorry because being with you must be so embarrassing and-

“y/n, shut the fuck up.”

and you do and you’re just “…”

he yells over text over how you’re not weird and about how people are just curious about you

you literally start crying because?? chan??? is an amazing boyfriend????

and after that you’re not really afraid of chan anymore you’re…finally fully comfortable with him

and praise the lord because my god you finally agree to go hang out with him out of school

and people can tell you’re dating but also that you’re complete opposites

and so they’re just like “oh my god that’s beautiful”

and chan probably gets you a shit ton of stationary for you and you’re,,,,,,yes

because they’re fucking a e s t h e t i c a l l y p l e a s i n g and you’re dying

and you’re so lost because YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM TOO-

but he keeps telling you to just buy him some food and he’d be thrilled

and chan i s thrilled

you brought him fried noodles once and he SCREAMED

cue his mom yelling at him

also he eats so well like YOU WERE SURPRISED

“how…do you not gain weight?”

“???”

“nevermind.”

and so its a cycle of stationary and food

you guys are compatible, surprisingly.

honestly there’s a fine line between absolutely hating each other and ending up together

you’re very glad you took the right path and got to know each other well :”)

#stray kids #stray kids reactions #bang chan #kim woojin #lee minho #lee know #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #stray kids han #lee felix #felix stray kids #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #stray kids prompts #stray kids threads #stray kids imagines

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stuntchica · 7 years

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i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy

#yellow.txt #.txt #long post --#hospital --#food m --#calories m --#ed m --#doctors m --#ask to tag --#ableism ? --#medical abuse ? --#hospital tag

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anachronisticanagram · 4 years

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Log Infancy Thru HS

I want to keep a log of my thoughts but anonymous because I need to get this off my chest without actually telling anyone. I’ve been thinking about the food problems I had growing up and, these are the things that (while I personally am always invalidating the illness I suffered from) show that it really has been a real issue all my life. I know my parents will try to convince me I’m crazy like they usually do, but I need to keep a log somewhere other than my notes app so I know I’m not.

1. I had binge eating problems as a baby (eating 8 ounces of formula to compete with my brother when I should have only been eating 3 and therefore not being able to keep anything down because of overeating).

2. Formative years (just past infancy until middle school) I used to sneak candy and food out of the cupboards, but not in a very normal way. I was terrified someone would find me but I physically felt I couldn’t resist chocolate.

3. Ballet class-- thighs were bigger than all the other girls and I didnt understand why so I felt hideous in the leotard.

4. I was 7, my mom was watching daytime ads. For some reason my mom started telling me about how some people would put their fingers in their throat and purge. From that day (until I actually learned how at 14) I was obsessed with the idea and I wanted to learn so bad.

5. This is my first solid memory of When I was 7-10 my best friend and I used to “make” clothes together-- she had a tiny waist (I did too but she was longer waisted which I interpreted to be skinnier) I was too uncomfortable wearing things that showed my stomach. I told her (when I was 8) “I have a fat person’s body.” She looked me up and down and said “oh.” I didn’t really understand it at the time but all I wanted was for her to say that I wasn’t, and when she didn’t, I looked in the mirror and suddenly hated my body so much. I remember wishing all the time and praying that I could look like and be as skinny as her.

6. Dance studio, I was 11-- I loved Hell Week during shows because it meant I could avoid eating easier-- Maggie used to comment constantly on how “healthy” I was because all I would eat every day were Cliff Bars and celery because when I was at the pharmacy with my mother I saw a program on TV that said celery had negative calories so it would make you lose more weight. I ate like this for weeks on end. I would hide food in my socks to avoid eating it, slip it up my long sleeve shirts/jackets, hide it in pockets. Talk a lot so that I could avoid eating until everyone left the dinner table so I could hide it.

7. Throughout my whole life, my mother has made comments about my weight. Jokingly calling me a pig hurt a lot more than she realized but she still does it (even after knowing I had a problem.) Comparing me to my aunt saying that I ate like her (a 300-400lb old woman), telling me I took after the women in my dad’s side of the family so I needed to watch my weight more carefully than most people. Recently even telling me when I got back from school that I looked so much better with the weight lost (which I lost because I pretended to need to keep my video on for class so I could throw the food away she brought into my room instead of eating with the family. Completely forgot I did that until now.) “Your limbs were starting to look like stuffed sausages in your clothes.” That one is stupid but still makes me want to cry, I’ve always had overly strong feelings to things my mother says and her opinions about me.

8. “As they grow older, girls eat less and less and boys eat more and more.” My mother also said things like this a lot, bragging about how in middle school she went on a 200 calorie diet over summer of only mustard and pickles on tortillas and lost all the weight she had gained. Constantly commenting on how her weight is, how fat she is (when she weighed less than me.) Saying how her mom kept her figure looking good by barely eating anything during the week so that she could eat a bowl of ice cream every friday night.

9. I was obsessed (age 7-12) America’s Next Top Model only because of how their bodies looked. Only ever liked the skinniest ones and thought the ones who actually had more than just bones and skin were fat.

10. When I was 14 was when everything exploded. I had already made habits of hiding food for years but now I joined pro-ana mia sites online. I had a calorie counting journal, three different food diaries, and I was constantly weighing myself. Everyone except my dad was leaving town for a few weeks, and I was ecstatic. I could not eat without anyone noticing. Got into a habit of leaving dishes everywhere with traces of food on them (if my family ever sees this, that’s why for so many years I left un-rinsed dishes everywhere (that and ADD lol)). My dad left for coffee and when he was gone I purged for the first time. This led to months of binging and purging where I would “practice singing” in the garage. I couldn’t just throw the barf bags in the trash so I found an old dresser of mine and filled the whole thing up with the bags (awful i know but I never got caught.) When my parents read my texts and found out, I was so ashamed. They shamed me for it instead of trying to help me and acted like I did it all for attention (which, I think I would have actually TOLD someone if that was the case. I was throwing up my stomach lining and still wouldnt tell anyone.) I wasnt allowed to be alone after that and to this day cant have my door closed. It was genuinely one of the most awful years of my life.

11. When I was 15 I got down to 117.5 lbs which was the lowest I ever actually recorded. I didn’t eat for a full two weeks and passed out on a bench my first time at Disneyland. To this day everyone thinks I just fell asleep. Oddly enough the lowest weight I got to (after not eating during the Disney day) was 125.4 (odd because now I’m a few inches taller, 5 years older, and weigh closer to 120 without much issue) and I was so proud of that I started eating again (binging). Guessing it was so difficult because I was still growing.

12. At this point I started having what I call “the cycle.” Every month I’d go back and forth from eating everything to eating nothing at all and I never really saw an issue with it. I thought i was being healthy when I wasn’t eating but I never really noticed it past 16 because I thought it was normal. At 17 when I had my first bf I ate more normally because we would go out all the time. But my mentality was still not healthy.

13. 17, during the summer I gained about 15 pounds (barely obvious i see now but it felt like a lot.) I drank two sodas every day and ate three big bowls of buttered popcorn or nachos every single day and didn’t get off the couch all summer watching TV. I was super depressed bc my parents reaction to my first real crush was on a girl at school.

14. End of high school, I considered myself a recoveree-- didn’t think about my weight much but I was eating 3 meals a day and snacking in between all meals. Again. the monthly cycle of binging to suddenly being paranoid about my weight continued. There’s more past high school but this is just the general summary of specific moments that I remember growing up that affected me.

I think all of this is proof of why I have a heart condition now.

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brokenhayatim · 4 years

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tw: food

i’ve wanted to write this for so long but i couldn’t really find time and i think i felt too ashamed to write it. idk how to even write it.

in the beginning of the year, and some of last, there were days when i didn’t eat well. i’m normally not a breakfast person - more dinner and desert. i didn’t feel lie coming out of my room so i usually just peeped out for dinner. it made me superr dehydrated and so early this year i tried to rectify that and just come out to get water. it was kind of a start but not. when i was at uni, i would just take water and a small granola bar bc i didn’t want to overeat, and i walked a lot for uni between classes. before quarantine, i told my psychiatrist i felt like i wanted to binge eat all the time, food was always on my mind even when i was eating, i would want something more. it was honestly distracted, everything i did had my mind coming back to it. i’m normally the type that loves food and never shies away from eating a whole ice cream cake. but i knew there was just something off and i couldn’t really tell how bc my mood is normally crap anyways and i don’t socialize with anyone to even sense the effect or them to see. it was really only post dinner i would feel this as i didn’t actually eat anything throughout the day like i mentioned. it seems really strange and may seem normal but it wasn’t for me. quarantine started and i was super insecure about gaining a flibillion pounds and then ramadan came and i was like maybe i’ll lose some?? i mentioned to my sisters lightly that i really never ate break/lunch and they were like why didn’t you just fast and get the blessings? i hadn’t thought of that honestly. but i remembered a few years ago where i actually lost sum pounds in ramadan when i did nothing really so i was like maybe this time. when i wok up for suhoor i drank just water (which isn’t sunnah yeah) or i ate a few dates. i don’t really remember nor do i think i would say i binge ate during ramadan, my dinners were normal and my desserts were common. but i just felt like i was constantly gaining weight. i went walking everyday and the biggest reason was to try and lose weight i thought i gained in quarantine. i hadn’t known my weight or what i lost for about 2/3 months. i knew my weight months before when i went to see my psychiatrist right before quarantine. you know those people that stare in the mirror and sort of pull all the skin and fat like it’s stretchy elastic, i became that and i still am. i was and am so hyper focused on it it seems now. when i went to my friends house, i messaged her weeks before if she has a scale and she was like yeah i think so but i’d have to find it. i went to their house and i ate so much and knew i ate so much (like two meals and two snack ok). it was like i couldn’t stop at night too. and i hated it, i knew i would regret it. very cooly the next morning i asked to see it. i stepped on the scale and from when quarantine started to a few months after, i had lost about 6/7 pounds. i felt so happy like genuinely surprised but also really happy. i shouldn’t have stepped on it because i’m actually worse. when i came back to my place i felt like i needed to get rid of every single weight i gained then, bc surely i did, and did the same as i always did. but now with this new sense of accomplishment, i couldn’t really bother waking up at 7 am alot so i started looking up how many calories i should eat everyday w my bmi or whatever. and i ate under it. i wasn’t calorie counting per se, i was just aware and checked. i then searched up how many calories less that would produce weight lose and stuck to that. i didn’t see it as starving or under-eating bc i ate dinner and desert. it was like addicting to stay like that. i went to the grocery store after i came back from her house and i used this huge scale by the bathroom and it said i gained back about 4/5 pounds and i was like oh my god and that’s how this all really began progressing. i also did the eating routine along with walking my usual 2 1/2 miles sometimes. i had to make it like that again. i started classifying water and ice as a meal like breakfast. i still do. i did a lot of ab workouts for a few weeks. i asked my sister to bring a scale for suitcases when i was moving and she says the most accurate way to weight it is if you subtract the weight of you holding with your weight. i was afraid to step on the scale, for them to guess how much i weight bc i felt like it was too much larger than what i wanted. i stepped it on for a second days later and was proud that i did good. i’m home now and i’m still the same. same behavior. same mindset. more walking bc the house is way bigger than my apartment. there’s a scale by the kitchen, i assume to be packed up for the move, or thrown out, idk. but i was like yess when i saw it and weight myself. i was about the same weight i was at the start of this - 6/7 pounds less than pre-quarantine. it’s so bad now that i find every time i enter or are near the kitchen i weight myself. my sister noticed my habit and went “do you ever eat??” as she always usually asks me what i had for breakfast and lunch and i either say nothing or i lie. my only meal should be dinner, i can survive till then. i searched about intermittent fasting and maybe i can do that all the time. i don’t really know when this will end bc i’m afraid. i cant seem to see the weight gone, especially from my face so i try harder. she made me 3 pancakes once and it was really good but i felt like i had to have less dinner now. or i needed to make it up that gain the next day. i went to my sister’s house where her and her friend cook meals and had the same thoughts of either ‘i want it all i cant stop’ then ‘i’m gonna have to do something tomorrow to get rid of this weight’. even though it was all super healthy. i’m better at hydrating and i’ve tried to be really hard since i don’t normally enter the kitchen(s) until dinner so the intake is typically super low. i deleted the reminder app look away. idk why i’m so insecure that it’s embarrassing to even admit. i was at the neurologist and the paper said how is your diet? fair or poor? i shifted between the two for so long and i checked fair bc i know i don’t have an eating disorder you know? i just eat differently. it’s like fasting. though some tiny part of me knows it’s wrong. but even when i’m not looking in the mirror i’m conscious of all the fat on me and i want it gone. i watch pictures and videos of people closely and exercise my jaw acting like that will make it all more chiseled. i’ve always been !! about my thighs even though they’re always praised too. i look at my stomach a lot, stretch it out, suck it in. i don’t know if it’s something noteworthy to even mention, if it’s such a big problem or it’s normal. if i’ll get over it or keep it up with substitutes. i don’t know.

i’ve lost 11 pounds now since the start and i want to make it 15 so badly.

#asiya's thoughts #probs so many typos i dont wanna proof rn

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chickenstuffedwithmozzarella · 6 years

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Tumblr said so. And in some pics i saw it kind of greenish, but it wasnt really clear. JAJAJAJA. Yes, you may be a bit biased, but it did suit him. Aha. I liked the whole look; the jacket, the jewellery (?) in it and the nail polish. Same, i love him wearing what he wants. He has great taste, i must say. Nop, i havent watched Maestro de la Costura (i dont watch TV) but i saw the pic you posted. Does that counts? I love your mom😂😍 She is so invested

JAJAJAJAJA. Yes, maybe starting with the first one would be a good idea. But, im not in the right to say anything bcs i too have started a saga without reading the first book quite times🤷 Yes yes. If you havent started it yet, wait until next year. Bcs waiting a whole year for it to be released is quite annoying. That way you can enjoy it all in one go. (2)

Yes. Im clingy, but only with a few people. Family and old friends. It takes a lot of time for me to feel comfortable touching people, but when i do, theres no way im stopping. Oh yes. I understand you, my sister is not a fan of touching, and she stands so still and rigid when somebody does that. But you see, you have the cats to give you love, i dont so, i need to resort to human contact😂🤷 [im really sorry to hear about your cousin :(, i hope you are fine ] (3)

JAJAJAJAJA. The things you tell about Honey always make me laugh. How is he even real? He is indeed a mommy cat. (Also, Liam the Cat, im watching you. Do not steal Honey’s food. He needs to grow up). (4. Im betting on you, inbox. Dont eat this one too)

Tattos of cats? Doesnt sound that bad. But i see your point. No, i dont have any. Same reasons. I dont like pain, and they are too permanent. I cant make my mind about what i would like to get tattoo and i dont want to regret it later. Maybe someday i’ll find something so meaningful i wont be scared of changing my mind later and not finding it important enough. (5)

——————————————————————————————————YAAAAYYYY!!!! I GOT ALL YOUR ASKS!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉 (thanks Tumblr for the delivery 😒)Yeah, I got to see some pics were you could say it’s green, but it looks as if it was black reflecting the light and that’s why it seems green. Idk. It looked good on with whether blank or green, jajajaja. And, yeah,I liked the whole look with the pink jacket and the nails and all that, but it reminded me a “torero”,jajajajaja, and I can’t not watch the similarities, 😅.I don’t watch tv that much either, and I was totally a coincidence that we caught the final that day, bc my mom has only watched the reposts on Saturday or Sunday (she doesn’t even know the day they passed it…). But I went a little crazy over the coat,jajaja. And yes, my mom is very invested with the boys. And very patient with me!!! Because I tell her all the gossip in the fandom, and she doesn’t have any idea of what I’m talking about but I only tell her: you just trust me in what I’m saying… 😝 and she’s like: kook, whatever you say. She used to buy me every merch item she’d find when she went shopping, but I told her to please stop. stop giving money to Simon c*well 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And she was like ok ok whatever… jajajaja. (I recently found a packet of 1D clinex…🙄🙄 hiding in one of my drawers, so…). She even told me around mid February to please start playing Harry’s album in the car again, to remember the songs before the concert. And the other day told me the same about Niall’s album, lol. Lol, if there was an award for Most Supportive (and patient) Mom of a 1D fan, it would have to go to her!!!

Lol, I started watching Stranger Things at chapter 7 on Netflix by mistake, jajajajja and I only realized when the next chapter was about to start and I read “Chapter 8”, and I rolled my eyes at myself so much, that I got a headache… 🙄🙄. Is the next season of GoT the last one?? I can remember what my friend has told me. But I’m so bad at waiting for a new season, I prefer to watch the whole thing at once, and then forget it,jajaja. I’ve been disappointed so many times with tv shows, that I don’t trust them anymore, jajaja.

Oh, yes I have my cats so give my love, and to cuddle (and I would change for anything, lol (tell me I don’t sound like a crazy cat lady??)) The only humans I’m clingy with are the cousins I’ve seen “to be born” (the younger than me, not that I went to see my aunts giving birth 😱). Those are the only ones I feel comfortable enough to cuddle and kiss (till they’re old enough to send to eat shit anyway, jajjaja).

My stories about Honey make you laugh??? If you lived with him, it would be another song, jajaja (I love him). He’s so mischievous. If he isn’t sleeping, he’s being naughty, jajaja. There was one time when I thought he was dying (bc that’s my first thought always) or sick or something, bc he would left his food untouched every time I tried to feed him. And I was about to call the vet to get him checked. But then, one day my father found a box we have in the basement full with homemade chorizo open. And it has some bags empty of chorizo and the plastic was scratched. Do you see what the way this is going? YES! Honey had opened the box someway and he had been eating chorizo wrought our knowledge. That’s why he gave me his food to me. HE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. And the thing is that those day he was eating that, when he came to sleep on me, I could smell something like chorizo in his paws, BUT HOW COULD I EVER IMAGINE THAT?!?! Jajajajaa. We had to change the box to another place more than once, because he kept finding it!!! He’s so smart 😻😻. My dad wanted to kill him, but… 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Now, we always joke about it all the time. I, from time to time, smell his paws 🐾 just in case he has found it again. Ayyyyy, this cat… I could be talking about them for hours. I have their paws framed in the living room. And I pic of them. If you come to my home, you can see pics of my sister wedding, my sister’s trip to Paris, some of my cousins, my granny and uncle who already passed, and beside all of that a pic of my cats, jajajajja.

Totally agree about tats. In my family there aren’t so many tats. Like I think only five (bc we are a lot) of my cousins had tattoos, and one of my uncles and that’s that. My mom just yesterday saw someone with a lot of tats and she was horrified, lmao. I’m like Louis: first I didn’t like tattoos; then I started likiing them on other people; and next I guess, will be getting the first,jejje.

Now that you talk about Louis…😜 I MISS HIM!!!! WHERE IS HIM?!!??! WHERE IS HIS ALBUM???? 😭😭😭😭😭 🤣🤣🤣🤣, as you can see I “estoy como una chota de la cabeza!!!!!”😱😅

Quoting my dear Harru: “hope you don’t run from me”. I have so much fun talking to you!!! 😝😝😝 Byeeeee!!

#anon #if I start asking you every time we talk about if you’re mad/bored of me every day please ignore m #me*#I’m that kind of people who always think people are mad at me and I don’t stop doing things till they stop talking to me for good 😩😩😩#so you just ignore me please #and thank you!!

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2centsofsilver · 6 years

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12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”

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