#i'll just start forcing myself to draw everyday again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaoau · 5 months

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Strike Back

Everyday, Properly warnings — none. word count — 975

prev.

It's their third and last year of high-school, still in the same class and still filling the same roles. The 100 of his class and the average of 90's. He remains turning in his assignments in time, while only last week she handed in a math test blank because she doesn't like drawing graphs.

They decide to share another cup of tea in a breezy afternoon. Where they usually divert their paths, Kita follows her left and to her house. Much like the first time, she forces him to wait at the table as she boils the water and soaks porcelain in flavor.

He had been surprised on his first visit, shortly after the spontaneous offer that leaped off his tongue. [Name] never cared to do anything adequately, taking all credit both when they failed or somehow succeeded. The weight of indifference vanished from her body as she carefully prepared two cups, hands gentle and fingers dancing with softness.

Tea had never tasted so powerful; his tongue could pick apart every single spice mixed in a package.

She settles across from him, white porcelain knocking twice on wood. The inevitable topic of the future pops up before his second sip. "What're yer plans after graduation?" he asks someone that doesn't know what they'll eat for dinner in a few hours.

[Name] sets her cup down. Elbow beside it, cheek in her palm. "Physics," she replies with a shrug—she always shrugs—as if it were a matter of fact. "What 'bout you?"

"I'll take over my family's rice farm."

"Sounds like somethin' Kita Shinsuke can pull off. I know I can't." She puffs her cheeks and blows out air.

"S'all 'bout doin' it properly. Everyday, properly."

"As admirable as that is, there're things I don't care enough 'bout ta do 'em properly."

"Things like what?"

"Geography, makin' friends, payin' attention during economy, bein' alive."

He brings his cup up only for it to freeze before it reaches his lips. His eyes find hers. "You don't care 'bout bein' alive?" He forgets the beverage in his hand.

"I ain't really good at it, so I stopped carin' 'bout doin' it properly. Same with the other things. Hats off to ya for bein' so diligent, though."

"Ya still properly brew tea an' properly ace yer math tests."

"Yeah, I ain't sayin' I don't care 'bout anything. I ain't good at livin', but I don't wanna die. So I play with numbers ta pass the time."

"What's livin' life properly for ya?"

"I dunno." Her shoulders lift longer than usual. "Not wastin' my time and actually doin' all the things I wanna do. Maybe, I dunno."

"I think repetition, perseverance, and diligence just feel good. That's a life properly lived."

"Don't think I could do that. I only see things through if they matter. I agree, diligence's good, but I can't go above seventy percent of myself."

"I'll take it ya'll see yer physics career through, then."

"Long as it matters to me."

"Ya should try puttin' in more than seventy."

"Ya keep doin' you, Kita—"

"You'll survive."

They finish the last bits of their teas. Mentalities unchangeable and thoughts standing on parallel; face to face, endlessly, never overlapping. They don't need to agree, they just have to talk.

Spring carried mist over the mountains, Summer followed close behind. Fall creeped by until Winter seeped in. Repetition just feels good. Spring comes back before anyone can blink to start the cycle again.

It's time to graduate and leave behind years worth of useless knowledge and unnecessary all-nighters. They hold diplomas between fingers that hooked around twin teacups. Words they shared still taste fresh on their tongues, like the first bag full of spice she ever soaked in steaming water.

Mr. No Gaps Kita Shinsuke graduated at the top of his class; Ms. Well Whatever [Surname] [Name] shrugged her way out of high-school. He did things properly and she survived.

The crows cry out their song to the sinking sun, sky a flaming red hue. An unsightly envy simmers in [Name]'s chest as she walks next to Kita for the umpteenth and last time in her life. Wasted high-school years replay in her mind and his words relentless beat down upon her.

He makes her want to live a proper life.

They cross the school gates. She finds his eyes reflecting a bright future. A lazy smile crawls onto her lips.

Orange fades into a palette of cool pastel colors. "S'most likely we won't meet again. I'll probably forget 'bout ya."

"Seems like ya still prefer bein' alone."

"S'always better to be alone than in bad company."

"Ya sayin' I'm bad company?"

"D'ya see me tryna leave this conversation?"

There are carefree notes of laughter mixing with the flapping of feathers into the horizon. There's no space for silence as they stop to face each other.

"I wanna forget my high-school years," [Name] lets her criminal thoughts billow to the Spring clouds. She swings her diploma like a fallen tree branch. "Whatever ya set out to do, do it properly. Though you don't need me to tell ya that."

"I'd say the same to ya. Bye, [Surname]."

She throws a bored wave behind an uninterested shoulder. "Goodbye, Kita." Slipping off her tongue, is a farewell building up over three years.

As the night swallows her in blue, Kita is another friend not properly made, lost to the sunset in the distance. She holds her diploma in one hand and tightens her fingers around Kita's words. Truths too bitter to drink down, but too precious to let go of.

—あごす (agosu) • 2020

#Everyday Properly #Haikyuu #Kita Shinsuke #Kita Shinsuke x Reader #Kita x Reader #Haikyuu x Reader

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theendofuno · 10 months

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okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

#daily-uno

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moustacheshe · 3 years

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Yandere! Aoi Todo x Reader

(Click for better quality)

Warnings: drugging, kidnapping

"Todo look... I know you are concerned about me but you really have to go now. Don't you need to go to school or something?" You are trying to get your best friend out of your apartment. He was invading your home for the last two days. "Come on y/n just one night. I promise I'll leave tomorrow." You sight as you sit at the table with him. "You promised me the exact same thing yesterday...and the day before." He's acting weird lately. Always warning you about the outside world or the world in general. How you could get hurt by going out or staying alone. "I know but I need to-" You let out a loud groan. "Yeah, yeah you need to protect me. I really appreciate your concern but I'm fine on my own. I always was. I always am. And I always will be. What happened to you? Why are you acting like this? Is it because of this Yuji guy?" Now your annoyance slowly turns into concern. "What? No! Yuji's nothing to do with this. It's more like the things I see everyday and..." He shakes his head. You don't need to know about curses and what they are. You already have enough to worry about.

"I actually wanted to ask you if you want to move into my apartment." He quickly changes the subject and smiles at you. You look at him confused. He's lying to you and you know it. "Todo..." You lean across the table and take his hand. "...if there is something wrong you can tell me. We always talk about our problems. Please just...tell me." He sights and stands up from the table. Todo crosses his arms as he seems to think about something. He sights and walks beside you. You turn around to face him as he kneels down to your level. He takes your hands in his huge ones. "Y/n I know we're just friends but... I was hoping that maybe we could be more." You look at him lost for words. "Besides if we are together you can move into my place and we can do all sorts of things together. I'll do everything for you: cooking,-"

"Todo..."

"shopping,-"

"Todo!"

"cleaning-"

"TODO!" You scream at him to stop his speach. He looks a little bit shocked and he clenches your hands. "I... I don't know what to say about that." You look down at your hands resting in his. Everything to avoid eye contact. "I always saw you as my best friend... I never wanted this to happen. I always thought you like tall women with a big ass." Your lips move into a little smile as you remember the time he told you about his taste in women. "No... I mean yes but that was just to...you know... Say something when somebody is asking for your type. It doesn't matter now! I want you to be with me." He takes your face in his hands and forces you to look at him. You can see his eyes are glassy. He's about to cry. "Listen Todo..." You grab his hands and put them down again. "...I really appreciate that you want to protect me but... I can and I want to live on my own. I can handle myself you know. And you are my best friend I... I don't want to lose you as a friend because of some relationship." Now tears start streaming down his cheeks. The sight of this big chunk of a man crying is really to much for you. You can barely hold back your own tears. He never cried in front of you...well except the one time he couldn't meet his Takada-chan and you had to comfort him.

He now clenches your hands even tighter. "Ah, Todo you're hurting me!" You let out a surprised yell. He never hurt you before. He snaps out of his trance and looked at you with widened eyes. "So..." His grip gets weak. "...you don't want to live with me and let me protect you." Now a few tears stream down your face too. "No I'm sorry..." You always were afraid that this would happen.

"Okay y/n I'll leave..." He wipes away his tears and stands up. "...but let me get us some water first. Crying dehydrates your body." You just sit there and give him a little nod. He finally understands it. But something still seems odd.

He comes back with two glasses of water. Todo puts both of them on the table and sits down on his chair again. You take your glass and start drinking. "You know y/n, I really didn't want it to go this way." He takes a gulp from his glass avoiding eye contact. "Yeah me neither. I really hope you understand my point. I don't want to depent on someone else." You ask yourself if it was wrong to say it like this. "You really have no idea don't you?" He sounds bitter. "What do you mean?" You say getting a little frustrated. He just won't stop. You're getting dizzy. "The curses they're everywhere. They are strong and they only bring destruction and death." You have trouble to concentrate on his words. "Wh-What are you talking about?" You don't know what he meant by curses. Your vision gets blurry and you shut your eyes tight. "I'm talking about the constant danger you're living in. That's why I've decided to take you home with me." You hold your head to stop the feeling of the world spinning around you. His words are nothing more than a faint voice far away from you. "What's wrong y/n? Are you okay?" He asks you. The concern in his voice obviously faked. "Wh-What did you do?" You hiss trying to get up. Todo stands up from his seat and walks over to you. "GET...away..." You stand up from your seat to get away but your legs give in. Todo catches you in his arms pressing your body to his chest. "You didn't listen to me. It's okay y/n I'll protect you and take care of everything you need." He strokes your head to calm you down. His embrace is tight as if you could run away any second. "N-No...I don't..." Your voice slowly fades together with your consciousness. "Everything will be fine. Just let it happen. Once you are with me, I'll be the happiest man in the world." Your heavy eyelids fall shut and you completely give in to the drug he gave you. You fall in to a heavy sleep.

As you slowly wake up you are laying on something soft. You let out a loud groan and try to move your arms. You notice that you can't move your arms because there're hold together by something. Then it hit you. 'He kidnapped me!' You quickly open your eyes and look around. The room is dark. It's night outside. You still feel weak and a little dizzy nevertheless you try to struggle against your restraints. Your wrists and ankles are tied to the bed you're laying in. "HELP! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" You scream, hoping that someone would hear you. You're confused and scared. The person you trusted the most just drugged and kidnapped you. Tears begin to stream down your cheeks. "PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP!"

Suddenly the door to the room opens and some light illuminates the darkness of the room. You can tell it's Todo entering. He presses a light switch and a lamp next to your bed turns on. The sudden light makes you squint and turn your head away. Todo closes the door and walks in your direction. He is holding a tray with a cup and a bowl. "Oh! You're awake, darling. I made you something to eat and your favorite tea." He says smiling at you like nothing ever happened. "Todo, what's gotten into you?! What is wrong with you?! Let me go, now!" You say trying to get your wrists and ankles free. "Nothing is wrong sweetheart. On the contrary I'm the happiest man in the world. But I'm glad that you ask." He sets the tray on the beside table and sits down on the bed. "Todo listen! You need to let me go! NOW! TODO PLEASE!" You begin to cry and struggle again. Todo doesn't look at you he just stares at the tray. He seems to be lost in his thoughts. "Todo listen, if you let me go now I'll pretend like nothing happened. Everything will be back to normal and I won't tell anyone. Please we can-" "HUSH!" You feel like his voice makes the earth shake underneath you. You look at him frightened for what he's capable of. He sees the fear in your eyes and his expression changes back to a worried face. "Oh I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to scare you. It's just..." He sights and lays down beside you. You try to push yourself away from him but he pulls you back into his arms. "Remember that one time we kissed for the first time." That never happened. "Or that day we had our first date." Never happened. "Todo what are you talking about? That never happened. Please you need to let me go!" He doesn't pay you much attention he's busy drawing circles on your belly with his finger. "It's okay that you don't remember. The most important thing is that we are together. Here and now." He is completely delusional. He images scenarios that never happened. But you don't need to worry about not remembering any of it. You have him and he has you. That's all that matters.~

#jujutsu kaisen #aoi todo #aoi toudou #yandere #yandere aoi todo #yandere aoi todo x Reader #art #drawing #artists #jujutsu kaisen aoi todo

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lilred8220 · 3 years

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Well, yet another fic no one asked for😃

I wanted to write this because some time go, I was watching the fireworks when this song started to play↓↓↓

And I just thought how romantic it would be if I wasn't forever alone 🙃 so, I build a story around that. I hope you enjoy it!

P.s. This is a F!MC

I had been so excited for this day! In the human realm, my hometown this time of year had a huge festival ending with a huge firework show. I had asked to go a week in advance but due to being in the Devildom for the exchange program, I couldn't go. It definitely was a disappointment. However Diavolo, seeing me upset and now curious about the tradition, asked all about it and he thought it sounded fun. Thanks to him always wanting to do anything new, he immediately decided to do the same here in the Devildom.

So through the long week, he asked about everything we would do at the event to make it much more fun and quickly get everything ready to make this last second festival. It somehow all came together and it feels almost exactly like the festival from the human realm. The food, sweets and all! Now it was the time to enjoy the festival!

The brothers couldn't understand why I was so excited for this. Though we all went to festivals and saw fireworks, It was just something that I would always look forward to this time of the year and it's just more special this time around. It kinda feels as if I'm sharing something that I love with everyone I care about in a place where I like to call my new home. Hopefully they'll come to enjoy this as much as I do.

"So, this is called an Elephant ear?“ Beel asked, drooling at the large fried sweet in front of him.

I laugh, as I grab a piece before he can scarf the treat whole, "Yeah, it's just fried dough with powdered sugar on it. They usually sell these at any carnival or festival." I pop the elephant ear in my mouth, savoring the amazing taste.

The brothers each had something to eat as we took a break from all the festival games littered around. We all take two picnic benches for the 8 of us, well, us and Beel's giant pile of food he got. Everyone had won something from the games…well everyone but me and Mammon. Mammon was determined to win a game, yet his luck seemed to be the worse for wear today and all the games we'd gone to all ended up with one of the other brothers winning the game. My luck honestly wasn't any better due to playing the same games that the others had won.

"I'm telling ya! Those games are rigged! The people runnin 'em are just a bunch of con artists!“ Mammon yells, clearly frustrated that he hasn't gotten anything.

"Or maybe you just suck lol" Levi says, holding a Ruri-chan plush to his chest.

"Honestly, you really shouldn't be surprised, you were pretty terrible at all those games since you had no choice but to play fair." Satan adds on, which all the brothers nod in agreement.

Asmo laughs, "Well, what do you expect from a scumbag?"

I start to get annoyed as the brothers all start to bash on Mammon. He seems fine on the surface but I've been around him long enough, with him basically living in my room and all, to see all his little ticks. Like when he's excited, his hand gestures are more dramatic, to emphasize his point or how his eyes light up when something catches his attention, like something to make a quick buck. However, right now, with the way his mouth slightly twitches and his hand shoved into his pockets, he's upset. He really only does this when the brothers throw insult after insult at him, like right now.

I sigh as they continue their assault on him. But an idea comes to mind and it'll be easy enough to pull off.

"Does...that all that stuff apply to me too? Since I didn't win anything either, after all..." I say, putting on my best pouting face and looking down at the ground.

Immediately, the brothers started to panic, trying to reassure me that it wasn't true, successfully drawing their attention away from Mammon. I slightly looked up, passed the frantic brothers to lock eyes with Mammon. He stood there for a moment, a bit confused by my sudden comment. I flash him a quick smirk before looking up at the brothers, accepting their apologies. The brothers seemed to relax and drop the topic after that, returning to the food they have. Mammon, who had seemingly understood what my intentions really were, looked at me, with his face slightly flushed, then stared down at his food.

In Mammon's mind, he honestly doesn't know what force sent Y/N here but, she is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to him. At first, he hated the idea of being her guardian due to all of the extra work he was given. But, as days turned to weeks, her treatment towards him was nothing but sweet and loving. It honestly was a huge adjustment for him, since everyone treated him like scum or useless, having her place so much faith in him, even defending him and doing little gestures like this, it makes his head spin. He honestly couldn't pinpoint when it happened, but, his feelings for her drastically changed, he couldn't deny it now, how he longed for her, wanted her all to himself. How he loved her unconditionally.

I smile, quickly finish eating my food then stand up, "Ok! Time to get back to the games!“ I say, excitedly.

"Y/N, I'm glad you are excited but some of us still need to eat." Lucifer says, glancing at Beel and his mountain of food.

"Awww, come on Lucifer, I wanna try to win something before the fireworks start." I plop down again, putting my chin in my hands.

"Well, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time." Lucifer tries to cheer me up, eating some fries.

Mammon looks up at Y/N, upon seeing her upset. He honestly hated seeing Y/N upset, even if for something so small as to wait for everyone to finish eating. He wanted nothing more than to see her smile everyday, it honestly was one of his favorite parts of the day to see her smile so sweetly. He'll do anything to make her happy. He sits up and scarfs down his food before standing up. "Ok, how 'bout this,' ' Mammon gets up and walks over to me, ' ' since I haven't won anythin', I'm gonna go play some more games and I'll meet ya guys later. Y/N, ya can come if ya want to." Mammon starts to walk away, at a slower pace than he usually would.

"Yeah! Ok!" Before any of the other brothers could protest, I quickly got up and hurried over to Mammon. I can hear the brothers stumbling to get up to follow us.

"Hey! Mammon is stealing Y/N!"

"That's not fair!“

"That scumbag..."

I hear some of the things they're saying as they seem to be trying to catch up.

I grab Mammon's hand and start to make a run for it. "Come on!" I glanced back at Mammon, who seemed shocked. He looks back to see the brothers in hot pursuit of us. Getting the hint, Mammon picks up the pace. We high tail it out of there, laughing like a bunch of kids all the while.

Me and Mammon finally stop and I flop on the floor, trying to catch my breath as Mammon puts his hands on his knees.

"I…I think we lost 'em" Mammon pants, out of breath from running around.

"I…I think so…jeez, how…how do you always do this when you get in trouble?“ I wheeze out, my human body not used to running as much as a demon. Especially if that demon is Mammon.

Mammon straightens up, finally catching his breath, "Well, I'm not usually running from ALL of my brothers, just Lucifer mostly."

Mammon reaches his hand to me and after a moment, I let him help me up. He helps me to my feet and when I look up, his face is very close to mine. We stare at each other for a moment before both of our faces turn more flushed than we already were.

His bright blue eyes that have a hint of that golden yellow has me in a trance. When I first met Mammon, it was the first thing that drew my attention, it's honestly something that I always find myself staring at all of the time. They are very beautiful to me and never fail to make me feel relaxed when I see them. But not only that, he is a very handsome man. His rich caramel skin with his pure white hair makes his face stand out even more. He is just so captivating to look at, however his personality is what truly makes him shine. Even if he tries, and fails, to hide his true feelings, he always has his heart on his sleeve, rather if he realizes that or not. He tries so hard to help me or to even make my day brighter when I'm not feeling my best. He even tries to protect his brothers and is always there for them. He honestly is the most caring person I've ever met and I can't help but fall for him because of that.

Mammon looked down at her face, he honestly couldn't help but stare. In his mind, she was more beautiful than anyone he's ever seen. Her beauty not only stopped at her looks but the person she was. She was a true wonder to him, too good to be true yet, here she was, defying all logic. All he wanted to do was look at every detail of her face, her eyes as they shine, her soft skin as the blush covers her face, her parted lips as her breath finally slows down. Mammon was the first to turn away, catching himself now staring at nothing but her lips.

He clears his throat. "W-Well since we're here, let's get to some games!" Mammon says, his fangs flash with his grin.

We made our way to the nearest game booth, both of us looking at the various prizes. The booth in question is a simple ring toss, the bottles are organized by colors which show what size prize you can get. There are the ridiculously large stuffed bears that are taller than me to the very small animal plushies. Scanning all the prizes, one catches my attention, a black plush crow with a yellow tag on it. It was big enough to hold in your arms, it's wings dangled at its sides. It had its beak opened slightly to look like a smile. I glance over at Mammon, who is currently eyeing a plushie of a grimm, that also has a yellow tag hanging off of it. I laugh, thinking of how that plush crow reminded me of him.

Mammon looks at me, slightly confused, "What are ya laughing at?"

"Oh nothing, though I know what prize I want." I smile, looking back at the crow plush.

Mammon follows my eyes over to the plush, he tilts his head at my choice, "Ya sure that's what ya want? There are plenty of things better than that ol' crow."

I nod enthusiastically, "Yeah, I think it's cute, like someone else I know." I playfully push him.

His ears turn a dark red but he laughs, "Well, I know what I want so, let's go and win some prizes!“

We pay the demon running the game and start trying to make the rings reach its mark. However, as in most carnaval games, the rings in question are only slightly bigger than the top of the bottles, making it much harder to win. Not to mention the bottles for the better prizes are further back, making it much harder. As we try a couple times, we don't get much luck and we're running out of grimms to play. However as we reach our last game, even though I end up with nothing, Mammon manages to sink a ring on a yellow bottle.

"We have a winner!“ the demon behind the booth says, walking over to grab the ring.

"Yeah! This was nothin' for the Great Mammon!" Mammon threw his hands in the air, and I cheered with him, "You did it! You won!“

The demon walks back over to us, "Alrighty, you can pick a prize with a yellow tag. Which will it be?"

Mammon's eyes flick to the plush he was eyeing earlier and he goes to speak, but an announcement rings through the speakers all around the festival, "The firework show will be starting in 15 minutes, marking the end of the festival! So hurry and grab a seat to enjoy the show!“ a cheery voice says before the music from before starts to play again. Mammon looks down at me for a moment before a small smile appears on his face.

Mammon looks at the demon and points at the plush crow, "I'll take that one."

I look up at Mammon, "But, I thought you wanted-“ I get cut off by the demon swift return, "Here you go." The demon hands him the crow plush.

Mammon takes the plush from the demon with his usual bright smile and starts walking off, I quickly follow, still confused. Once I catch up, he looks at me with a blush on his face and holds out the crow to me.

"W-well, there wasn't really anythin' I wanted, so I figured I'd get this ol' crow since ya seemed to want it so bad." He says with his usual bravado, yet it was a bit more shy than normal.

"But, you said…" I start to say as I take the plush but, cut my thought short.

Even though I know he wanted something, that much he's been saying all day, he still got me this crow plush. Knowing how he struggles to do these things and becoming a stuttering mess when it's pointed out, I choose to not question him. Yet, I can't help but love him even more, him knowing that I wanted something as well and that he'll be going back home later with nothing. I'll have to repay him later but for now, I'll just enjoy the rest of the festival with him.

I shake my head and give him a smile, one that shows how much I truly appreciate and love him, "Thank you so much, Mammon." I hold the crow close to myself.

Mammon feels all the air in his lungs escape him. Y/N's smile, the sparkle of joy and something more…intimate in her eyes. Honestly, for a split second, he found himself jealous of that crow, seeing Y/N holding it so lovingly. He wanted, no, needed to show her how much he loves her. If not tonight, it'll drive him insane.

After looking a bit, me and Mammon found a perfect spot to watch the fireworks. We sat on a hill that was a bit further away from the festival and luckily, we could still hear the music playing from one of the speakers nearby. We sat in a comfortable silence, waiting for the fireworks to begin. Which based on the amount of time it took to find this isolated spot, it should start at any moment.

Mammon is resting his arms on his knees as I sit with my legs crossed, the plush crow close to my chest. I watch all the demons in the distance hurrying to find a spot to watch the show as well. Thankfully, none of them seem to look in this direction. So right now, it's just us, alone.

After a few moments, Mammon looks over at me and shyly starts to speak, "H-hey, Y/N?"

I look back at Mammon, noticing his face slowly forming a blush, "Yes?"

"I…I wanted to tell ya-" Mammon gets cut off by the first firework going off.

We slightly jump, but my eyes widen as the firework show starts, "It's starting!"

I watch as the firework starts to make the usual dark Devildom sky shine bright with many different colors. All the while, a familiar song starts to play on the speakers, making this a moment that I want to treasure always. It was a song from the human realm and it was a song that made this moment feel more intimate. I honestly couldn't ask for a better day, I got to go to the festival with all my favorite people and I even had, dare I say it, a wonderful date with Mammon. The thought of going on a date with Mammon makes my cheeks burn but I truly wish that this day would never end.

Mammon's heart starts to pound in his chest, his gaze never leaving Y/N. He watches as her eyes glow with wonder, watching the fireworks as if it were the first time. She never looked more beautiful, more perfect than right now. If he was ever gonna make his move, it had to be now. Mammon opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't find it in himself to break her trance. However, his greed for her attention, her voice, her touch, for nothing but her, was growing. So, he closes his mouth and takes a deep breath. He leans closer to her as his shaky hand gently touches her cheek to turn her face towards him.

When I suddenly feel a light touch on my face, I snap back to reality. Before I can react, I feel my face being turned and suddenly, Mammon leans in, his eyes close and gently presses his lips on mine, like he's afraid that I'll break. My eyes widen, taking a moment to realize what is happening. Mammon, feeling me not move, starts to move away, most likely worried he did something wrong. But, not wanting to lose the moment, I quickly filled in the space he left, pressing my lips a bit harder than he did. Mammon tenses at my sudden movement but quickly melts into the kiss, holding my face with his hands. I place the plush to the side, momentarily forgotten, I place my hands on his chest for support.

The air stills, the world around us starts to disappear. The only thing to keep us from forgetting the world completely is the sound of fireworks and the song playing so sweetly.

I snake my arms around Mammon's neck, then he takes the chance to pull me in closer by my waist, closing the gap between us. Even though he was nervous at first, he seems to have relaxed, even nips at my bottom lip, causing me to gasp. He swiftly slips his tongue in my mouth, tangling it with mine, deepening the kiss. We held each other close, like we were afraid that the other would vanish.

Needing to breathe, we lean away slightly. I'm not sure when it happened, but I managed to end up on Mammon's lap. Mammon seems to also realize the position we're in and his breath hitches.

His hand comes up and holds my face, "I love ya, Y/N."

My heart flutters and I lean into his touch, "I love you too, Mammon. I…I always have."

"Y/N, I care about ya so much and I…I don't want anyone else trying to steal my most precious treasure from me. The thought of it kills me, because I'm yer first man." Mammon stops, becoming more shy, "I w-want ya to be mine and…I'll be yers…if ya want me."

I feel as though all of the butterflies in my stomach would explode out of me. I can't stop the big smile that appears on my face, "Mammon," I hold his face in my hands, "no one could ever take me away. And not only that but…" I bite my lip, feeling a bit bashful, "You already have me. Now and forever."

If Mammon could, his eyes would have hearts in them. He looked at me with such lovestruck eyes, his face is probably the most peaceful expression I've ever seen. I look back at him in awe, honestly have never seen him so happy, like he's on cloud nine.

A smile is plastered on his face, "I promise that I will be with ya till the end of time. I gotta be the luckiest demon in the whole festival, no, the Devildom. But, I guess I did win something at the festival after all." His smile suddenly turns into a smirk, "What do ya say we go somewhere more private and we can continue…this?"

My face turns red, but I nod. We stand up, I grab my plushie so that we can leave when I suddenly hear someone, or rather, some people, running this way.

"MAMMON!"

We spin around, both of us knowing too well who that voice belongs to. Lucifer and the rest of the brothers are running at full sprint in our direction.

"Oh shit!" Mammon yells out, quickly sweeping me off my feet, making a run for it.

Startled, I grabbed on to Mammon's jacket, making sure to not drop my crow plush, "Ah! M-Mammon!“

He looks down at me, " Well, I might get strung up later, but I'm yer man now. I want ya all to myself and I don't know about ya, but I'm not ready for tonight to end." He flashes his signature smile.

I can't help but laugh, as we make yet another escape from the brothers. This is truly the best day I could have asked for.

#obey me #obey me mammon #obey me mc #Spotify

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justinhubbell · 3 years

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Time to come clean: I'm complicated.

You might recall some time ago I was regularly posting "Nonbinary Ensembles." Initially both the process and the response I got filled me with joy. Filled others with joy too so it seemed. These posts quickly amassed the most engagement/comments (and other buzz words) of anything I had done in 2021.

To that end—yes—I will eventually be resuming the practice after I've acquired the equipment needed for a totally white background. I enjoyed expressing myself with apparel, and pose. I liked providing examples of the many (endless, actually) ways one could express a Nonbinary identity. It all felt very healthy.

...but I have low self-esteem problems, ya'll. What started as an act of self love spiraled into unhappy thoughts such as:

• Well... I guess I have to do this everyday now.

• Is this all they want? Is this all I'm good for?

• Oh GREAT. People only care about my body. AGAIN. GREAT.

• Swell. Another highly complicated task that doesn't generate any income whatsoever—what the hell am I doing???

Etc etc etc...

I wince a little revealing this but if you look back on a lot of those photos there is a super real reason why I'm not smiling. It's not just that I'm in a bad mood, I'm in physical pain. I am tight as a drum. And—at the time—I was experiencing sleep deprivation.

America runs on sleeplessness. That's why everyone is so stressed. I'm not actually a fan of Frank Zappa (not against him, just unfamiliar) but I completely agree with this sentiment of his.

Honestly it just felt gross. I was forcing myself to do these shoots and feeling increasingly dehumanized by it. That's why—paradoxically—it hurt my feelings that people seemed to enjoy them so much.

I'll state here plainly that this is nobody's fault. Not even mine. A mind with Depression (or in my case Chronic Depression) is so accustomed to assuming the worst (of you, me, "them," everything!) that it's really quite challenging to move past/through feelings of overwhelming negativity.

That's why they talk about "slippery slopes." The more negativity you take in, express, and feel? The more it becomes normalized, part of your everyday experience. It is—in fact—easier to be negative!

Like it or not, Social Media enables Depressive behaviors/choices. It can—and does—isolate you.

Isolation + Depression + Sleep Deprivation is a dangerous cocktail.

I haven't managed to take a photo of myself since whenever it was that I stopped. And—of course—I observed nobody seemed to notice or care when I did. How heartbreaking it was for me to understand that the world didn't revolve around my unmet needs! </3

What happened next?

Unfortunately things got progressively worse. When it rains it pours. But I survived, I stopped, I recovered. I made honest attempts to RELAX.

And the thing is. It's all going to happen again. Yes! I accept this. It's a completely natural thing, and actually impossible to become happy and "stay happy" forever. You don't "cure" depression, its a part of you. You can suffer with it, live with it, thrive with it, even love it. Not saying it's easy, but it's absolutely possible. We kick ourselves for having poor health, when we should practice ••listening•• to ourselves and meeting our needs with kindness, and when possible kindness compassion and love!

Now that I'm better rested I'm dedicating myself rather seriously to building up mental resistance, strength, and flexibility. Doing that physically with yoga as well. I'm reading books. I'm talking to friends and family. I'm drawing again. And I'm actively spending as little time on social media as possible.

[BTW - I love the "Self Control" application for my computer but can't seem to find an equivalent for my iPhone. What gives? What am I missing? How can I temporarily lock myself out of Instagram/Safari?]

My plan moving forward is to do these shoots with my partner.

...And NOT every damn day! What am I? A Capitalist? Hard pass.

In fact I was able to capture moments of pure joy when it was just me by myself (in particular the kilt and blue dress shoots) but with Alex involved there's gonna be joy from start to finish, not just "moments."

This was a long post and thank you for reading. I had to express myself. We can talk and talk until we're blue in the face about how things "should" be but if we don't normalize regular expressions of discomfort how exactly are we supposed to get there?

Love yourself. Love your health. SHARE this wealth! <3

Gonna end this with a book recommendation.

Because this book is rocking my socks:

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thefreshfinds · 4 years

Text

UNDERSTAND M.E: Irate Specialist

By: Natalee Gilbert

These days, New Jersey based rapper Irate Specialist is all-smiles. The science behind his happy-go-lucky attitude stems from being positive and speaking his truth. On average most rappers speak on material goods and degrade women. Specialist, however, puts the pen to pad so he can gain traction from crowds worldwide. Because of this, Specialist overexceeds in creating relatable content. He's simply connecting people by telling his story. His album Understand M.E vouches for this. Describing his genre as positive turn up shit, the 12-tracked project Understand M.E is just that. The project comes with different vibes that caters to different people while still showing others who he is and whats made or broke him. His first album on SoundCloud is titled Don’t Sleep on M.E. For this new project, Specialist wanted it to be personal so people could actually understand him and know who he is. Specialist describes the process for creating Understand M.E like assembling a puzzle. A super fun and loud puzzle. Technicality wise, Specialist wavers in flows but keeps his rhymes enunciated. Aside from this, he throws in incredible punchlines. One being his favorite off one song, "I’m the best if you ask me/ Asshole go rest ‘tween two ass cheeks/ We’re as a whole connected through our energy." Referencing back to Understand M.E, he says "When listening you should expect to get to know me. How see/saw myself, how I see others and how I believe people should see themselves. I believe the best music is honest and vulnerable and I know many people agree. That’s why I love music."

1. The first track, "97" lets Specialist become a narrator and he uses this role to unveil his backstory. With a daunting piano progression striking fear in the speakers, Specialist begins "97" by saying this: "Birthday on a blizzard/The cold world will work with him/Producing patience and wisdom.Through growing pains and learned lessons/Mental breakdown, deep depression." As the track progresses, the piano chords demand to be heard. This one-liner solely represents why, "A quiet mind, a vibrant mind in society, it silenced him." Afterwards, a short-lived break makes way so the prophetic artist can continue his story. However, everything comes together at the minute mark. As a repetitive blare joins forces with live instuments, "97" transitions to "Hooligans"

2. "Hooligans" comes through the speakers with a knock. After glass shatters, "Hooligans" soundscape sounds more playful. Some can even say it draws from video games. In high school, Specialist was one of the cool kids, but still questioned who he was. He says, "depression on my mind was restin' while I was at school." Deeper in tune, Specialist displays different flows that come with enunciated rhymes. Ultimately, one can tell he had fun with "Hooligans" and they wonder if they're one too. Specialist adds that "Hooligan" is just nostalgia and him reminiscing on high school shenanigans

3. "W.O(ah)" is an ode to West Orange. Starting off, Specialist even says "The oranges gave me that zest, so that I can be the fucking best." Moving forward, Specialist continues to make references towards West Orange. For instance, he raps "The juiciest, stay well-dressed/ And when I'm pressed, stay positive." Likewise, Specialist takes the W after mentioning New Jersey native Samad Savage's event, Best Of Essex. At a certain time, Specialist got well-accquainted with instrumentals. Moving forward, he reminsces on those high-school days where his mind was elsewhere. After a long day, he'd go home and put on Kanye West. In turn, he'd get in his zone. Production-wise, "W.O(ah)" is boom-bap ridden and meshes spacey synths with muffled 808's.

4. On the other hand, "Paradigm" speaks about the importance of energy. Aside from this, "Paradigm" speaks on racism and how, despite our skin color, we are all the same. "Paradigm" also says that not everyone has good intentions over a spacey soundscape.

5. "B.F.G" which stands for black friendly guy, advises listeners to pick up on every word. Specialist says that it's best to be aware and optimistic. In a world of naysayers, be the one who changes their way of thinking. Society says black man equals crime, but B.F.G's are meant to break this stigma. Eventually, Specialist says they'll do their part and be accepted. His saying "why be normal?" is thrown into the mix as well.

6. Afterwards, Specialist's alternative R&B classic, “Goddesses” embraces those with black girl magic. He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't coo-coo for cocoa puffs. His main preference, however is authenticity. Regardless of his love interest's hair type, Specialist is sprung. To send positive affirmations, Specialist calls on Dianne Johnson who sings the chorus in a sweet, airy vocal range "you got it, you got it sis." He's come to learn ultimately that every woman is a goddess and it's shown in how they glow. Time and time again, he's dealt with a severed heart, but music always mended the wounds.

7. In the name of Punjabi, "Glad :D ft. Blind Eyez" begins with a snippet of a woman singing in this style. Then, the base has at it, banging through speakers with aggression. "Glad :D" comes with an intention to call out "these little rappers" that are comfortable doing the bare minimum. Rather than invest, they'd spend it on artificial nonsense like new hats or jewelry. In turn, Specialist concludes what this truly means, "So I guess they're happy that they're trash like the Glad bag." Blind Eyez matches Specialist's energy, stating hand-outs in the Garden State is frowned upon. He even goes so far as to say, "I know some artist that moved away to get more support and help themselves. You can't blame them, classic crabs in a barrel." As the track moves forward, "Glad :D" intensifies its baseline and the hi-hats become sporadic. "Glad :D" just so happens to be Specialist's favorite track. "Blind Eyez and I always are able to catch a vibe when we’re in the studio together." he says "Plus hanging out and recording with DJ Denz gives us the freedom to really let loose and have a fun time."

8. "A Positive" draws from a melodic trap beat and Specialist applauds his positive outlook towards life. Because of this, Specialist has manifested destiny everyday. It's also safe to say his futures looking promising. "A Positive" also speaks on how positivity has gotten him far. He even advises others to do the same in this line, "Push your negative thoughts away, it's the first step you must take. It took me a while to get this way. See the work is worth the wait."

9. Last but not least, "Stop" comes with the intent to motivate others. Over a eerie trap beat, Specialist speaks on how he'll grind until he reaches the top. "Golden thoughts, Midas touch. So you know I'll never stop." His energy, to say the least is transferrable and we, too begin to feel hyped. Besides this Specialist goes in-depth about what hard work can do for you. At this point of time, Specialist says it's gained him only but the finest greenery, acclamations, and melanin goddesses. Yet Specialist gives credit to his positive mindset as well. Once the 2 minute mark hits, his voice gets deeper as he speaks about what else success can do for him. Technicality wise, Specialist uses an oscillating flow with clear-cut rhymes. He says "Stop" is just a hard ass track that he loves. "Honestly its one of my favorite tracks that I’ve made so far."

Understand M.E also comes with comes with short interludes, “Past,” “Present,” and “Future.”

Listen to Understand M.E below and follow Irate Specialist:

1. Understand M.E:

2. Instagram: @irate_specialist

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