#i'm also gay and yearning i get you anon

[plumadot]

not to be gay and yearning but. more soft scarian would be so cute... maybe them cuddling specifically... if u want...

it's only blood; i have plenty left

#ask #tw blood #tw injury #plume art #scarian #trafficshipping #i'm also gay and yearning i get you anon #sorry i went sad with this heheh #continuing my radical face agenda #his music is so good ok

[eemamminy-art]

not obligated to answer this but if you have anymore thoughts about alex sdv (or stardew valley at all) please share. i am obsessed with alex

Oh hell yeah anon you've activated my current hyperfixation 😁 I have a google doc where I'm dropping my headcanons and a bulleted timeline for a Alex/m!farmer longfic I've been writing in my head that's up to about 13 pages now ahaha so here's a few things!!

When he first moved to Pelican Town he was actually really quiet and reserved because he was still grieving heavily, so he never really got close to the other kids. He talks about how he played gridball with his mom so I think once he got the chance to play that in school (in another town no doubt) I think he came out of his shell then and made some friends, but all those friends lived far enough away that after graduating high school he's been pretty lonely and never could connect with the other people his own age in town.

He never goes into the saloon to my knowledge prior to the 10-heart event dinner scene, so I headcanon that it's because he doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't want the temptation to try it. I don't remember if it's said explicitly but I got the impression his dad's abuse stemmed from being drunk so I imagine Alex refuses to touch the stuff out of both principle and fear of becoming like his father one day.

I said it in another post but I headcanon him as gay and suffering comphet. He's built himself up as this cool popular guy, so he tries to emulate the sexist straight guys he's seen in movies but there's absolutely nothing behind it. He says something rude to a girl and then is like uhhh (shit what now) bye! 😅 I want to think that in getting to know the farmer he not only does away with that facade but also gets more comfortable in his sexuality!!

and on a sidenote to the above: I hc most of the town as gay or bi and I am toying with the idea of Abby being transfem! Sam/Seb is a given, and maaaybe they're in a poly relationship with Abby but I'm still undecided!! I like Maru/Penny as a concept but need to marinate on that a bit more, I see them always sitting together and it makes me happy but I need to think more on how they met and what their relationship would be like. I don't have anything solid yet in terms of other characters' gender or sexuality headcanons exactly, other than Caroline and Jodi being bi and desperately yearning to run away together 🥰

But back to Alex!! With how his storyline goes of trying to impress others with his jock persona, then trying to switch gears and be super booksmart, I headcanon that he gets close to the farmer via the farmer tutoring him so he can take a community college placement test. :3 My thought for why he's in the rut he's in is that he wanted to play college gridball but his grades in high school were so bad he has done nothing with himself since graduation and has just been stagnating and becoming more and more bitter (which only amps up his shitty attitude when the player first meets him). So trying to get educated is doubly good for him because he can work toward his sports dream (in a way) and try to impress the farmer. Though of course, the thing that brings them closer is Alex learning to be true to himself 😊

This is getting long, so last thing: he's actually a really well-rounded homemaker but does not even think about it really. George has been disabled for a long time, so all of the handy work around the house has to be handled by Alex, and he's so eager to help out his grands. :3 They put a roof over his head so of course he'll climb up onto it to fix the leaks when it rains! Evelyn is always cooking and baking and Alex is so soft for his granny he has been in the kitchen helping her for as long as he's lived with them, so he's actually got a real talent for cooking and baking too! One of the first things he learned after moving in with them was the proper way to set a table, and the best way to wash dishes efficiently. He's spent enough time at Haley's house having no chemistry with the poor girl, but found Emily's whole sewing setup really fascinating and she taught him to mend the holes in his letterman jacket when he asked so he knows how to hand sew! These are all skills that he has but doesn't recognize as skills, he just inherently has this desire to help the people in his life so he picks up this and that to make it easier!

Anyway! Thank you for letting me ramble 😄 Alex is really sweet and soft underneath the mask he wears, and he's been rotating in my head for the last few months hehe

I had bought sdv when it came out but barely touched it, and started it up again on a whim earlier this year and I'm so glad I did!! I really adore the game and it's bringing me a lot of joy currently 🥺

#sdv #stardew valley #sdv alex #alex mullner #headcanons #replies #anonymous

[kaepop-trash]

not sure if you’re still taking requests for chance encounters but i just read the whole thing in one sitting and love it sm!!! i love your more angsty drabbles so i was wondering if you’d do one where yn and johnny are on a “break” 🥹

Give Up, Give In

There were a lot of requests for going back to the club so I'm just adding some of my favourites:

Anon: I'm just a girl standing here asking for more Johnny (CE) yearning. Make him suffer ma'am 🙏🏻 [Yes ma'am🫡]

Anon: The club is your Chekhov's Gun and it's still lying unfired on the table. [This is the best ask I've ever gotten since this account started]

Anon: Just. More. Dom. OC. [Short and sweet. How can I refuse?]

Mini Masterlist

_

I was in quite the headspace when I was writing this and you can tell. In contrast to most other things I've published, I edited this painstakingly. Somewhere in the middle I watched Casablanca again and you can actually tell where.

This is just very intense. Idk what came over me, I think the characters came back to me like past lovers do in a dream. I wrote this in a daze. I also surprisingly like this. I'm posting it with love instead of just shrugging responsibility of it. Enjoy!

Warnings: Angst, Angst, Angst; A lot of references to a movie older than the Czech Republic; (There are just a lot of sexual warnings in this one girls) Smut, Voyeurism, Friction play, Light BDSM, Handcuffs and Whipping (not the main characters), Dom! OC/Sub! Johnny, Dom! Johnny/Sub! OC (They are switches in the most literal sense of the term), ribbon play (male receiving) [is that even real?], Abs riding, grinding, Dirty Talk, Degradation; Intense, INTENSE; So much angst like what was I thinking; Johnny's a bit of a babygirl in this lol idk how else to explain it; Pussy-whipped Johnny you are my #1; OC is mean, but Johnny actually likes it (He told me); A lot of misplaced anger and resentment (in a sexy way); Alcohol; Johnny has the kind of sadness in him that you only see in east european gay porn; There is some homosexual themes in this, don't forget that in this world everybody is bisexual (except Tenmin, they are full fruit loops); Bisexuality(?).

WC: 18.6 k (Honestly this can and should be read as a standalone.)

_

Her focus came in and out of the moment, mostly being drawn back by the occasional whimper or hiss that echoed loud against the cement walls.

It was a mistake coming here tonight. she knew it the moment Hyuck bought it up.

"You look lethal." Yuta crossed his arms the moment she walked into his house, equally confused and somehow proud. Beside him, Hyuck whistled. Both of them eyed her top to bottom, taking in the very nice dress she bought herself this week.

“Absolutely deadly.” Hyuck agreed, crossing his arms in front of him, “So where are we going?” He looked between the both of them.

“For dinner. A bar maybe, judging by how our friend is dressed.” Yuta mused, turning to (Y/N) for confirmation of the plan she laid out.

“What’s wrong with how I’m dressed?” She frowned. 

“What?” Hyuck looked between both of them, confused, “We aren’t going to your club?”

Yuta chuckled, “No (Y/N) is staying away from the hallowed grounds.”

“Why?” Hyuck turned to her, looking offended. “I shaved my balls for this.”

Both Yuta and her turned to the boy, incredibly confused and horrified by the information he willingly volunteered

She cleared her throat, deciding it best to ignore it outright, “That’s none of your business, Lee Donghyuck.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“I just told you I shaved my genitals and you’re bringing up personal businesses?”

“You volunteered that information.” She grimaced, wondering why she didn’t see this coming. “You can’t just go to there on a whim. There’s a list that’s fixed a week in advance.”

“Aren’t you literally friends with the owner?” Hyuck mirrored her arms.

“The owner's friends gets benefits." Yuta shrugged, "You're roped in by extension, it seems.”

The very mention of the person who was not to be named made her spine straighten, “We are not going to the club. I don’t want him to think I am in his space, I don’t want him to think I need to. It’s a horribly petty thing to do.”

“He might not be there at all.” Yuta offered.

“We are not going.” She repeated herself, looking at the both of them with a sense of finality.

They ended up at the club less than two hours later. After dinner, entering a “normal” club reminded her exactly why she stopped doing this after undergrad. She wanted to just go home but Hyuck and Yuta were both slick menaces. And now she was here.

One of the men in front of her cursed, bringing her attention back to the present. 

Her original reasoning to slip into the basement the moment she entered the club was to mitigate even the most remote possibility of being confronted by Johnny. Another part of her was overcome with intrigue once the idea materialised.

The basement was one place she hadn’t had a chance to explore. Initially, Johnny would tease her with the idea of it, but he never lived up to his own promise in that department. A couple of months in, their visits to the club reduced considerably as work got harder and their apartments got more comfortable. Then the matter was never brought up again.

Sitting in it now, she tried to imagine what Yuta meant when he compared it to the few dungeons he frequented in Amsterdam. A few with Ten even— back when he was still single of course.

The place was a lot more elegant than the floors above, divided into confined rooms that felt larger than they were owing to the incredibly tall ceilings. Unlike the rooms on the second floor though, there was no pretence. Instead of looking like hotel rooms, each room was mostly minimal. Despite the baroque display of velvets and satins, each only had one tall bench and a few chairs. The lighting was also much brighter than the intimate dimmed ones above. The lights here were yellow and brazen, nothing hid under them. The most apparent of which were the contraptions and tools displayed audaciously on the walls, ranging from curious to downright frightening. 

Despite all that attention, the rooms were also open: no door, not even a curtain to lend privacy to the inhabitants. If she was clueless about what the requirements on this floor were, taking a walk down the length of the corridor gave her the clarity she needed. 

Pain of this magnitude wasn’t something she was ready to give or receive from a stranger. But she did gather that spectatorship was a part of the experience on this floor. The chairs in most rooms had at least one person seated, watching as other people made use of the various instruments available.

That is how she ended up here.

One of the rooms seemed to be void of any onlookers. Two men occupied the bench inside, looking at each other with tender trust. She stopped at the entrance, deciding that this was the palatable option. She might even learn a thing or two, she wagered.

At first, they seemed unaffected by her presence. She pulled a chair and sat down at a considerable distance, still feeling trepidation about the intrusion. She watched as they got comfortable with each other, imagining that they met here for the first time today. They decided to trust each other despite, was what she decided. 

Sometimes she wished that was how her initial visit to the club went.

“What should we use?” One of the men asked the other, the yellow sleeves of his shirt brushing over the man's cheek. The other looked to be the one calling the shots, so she was waiting to know as well. But he surprised her, turning to look at (Y/N) instead.

Her eyes went wide for a moment, not sure why she was being acknowledged.

“Well? You’re wearing silver aren’t you?” The man asked, his hooded eyes impatient.

Oh.

Her hand went to touch the chain that Yuta had so creatively woven into her hairpin. It was supposed to be half a joke. 

Owing to the spontaneous visit, they were unaware that there was a theme tonight. It was classic movies night and none of the three were dressed for the occasion. So they decided to keep the spirit, deciding on pursuing otherwise uncustomary situations. Hyuck said he'd do anything the first person he met told him. Yuta claimed that today would be the day he pursued his favourite bartender. And she put on the silver chain and walked into the basement. A decision taken for the interesting stories it would birth. Much like this one, she relented.

She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to think of what she could possibly say.

“I don’t think–” Yellow shirt began to speak, probably sensing her panic.

“Did I ask you?” The other was quick to interject, keeping his eyes on her.

She looked at the two men carefully, the more compliant one much taller than the one clearly in charge.

“Take your shirts off.” She said first, “You’ve been rubbing against each other like kids at church. It’s pathetic.” Hooded eyes smirked, pleased to get what he was looking for.

“You heard her little boy.” He turned back to his partner, reaching out.

“You’re own clothes. Not each other’s.” She clicked her tongue, expressing her disapproval through her tone.

And that was how it began. They were excellent at following her instructions and slowly she began to take more liberties.

People came and went behind them. The first hint of another presence had surprised her. After that she started ignoring the sound of occasional shuffling. 

Except one that spoke with a voice she could not ignore. A familiar one.

__

Johnny was comfortable in his corner, pretending to listen to Ten explain the theme again.

“I was watching this movie with a friend while she was recovering from a broken leg. And it came to me!” He told yet another person, “Unfortunately, she isn’t here today.”

“What are you talking about?” One of Ten’s friends sat up at that, “I saw (Y/N) an hour ago.” She looked at Johnny for confirmation.

Johnny looked up, at least two pairs of eyes already on him. He shrugged, trying to play off his nonchalance by taking another sip of his drink.

“Babe,” The woman continued, poking the man beside her. “You remember seeing (Y/N) downstairs, right?”

Johnny snorted, “You must be confusing her with someone else.” He said with utter confidence. She would not be anywhere near him if she had the choice. Not after what he said.

“She’s in a white dress today, right?” He asked his partner, who nodded.

“Yeah, she’s downstairs. Martin told me when I went for a cocktail. I wasn't looking or anything.” He added quickly. “Don’t glare at me man.”

Johnny looked away, not realising he was. His mumbled apology wasn’t even trying to be genuine.

“There’s Yuta,” Ten raised his arm to call the man. “Let’s ask him.”

“There is no need.” Johnny groaned, but Ten ignored him with ease.

“What?” Yuta came up, looking thoroughly annoyed. No doubt being interrupted in the middle of something.

“Is (Y/N) here with you?” Ten asked.

Instead of answering, Yuta turned to Johnny. The cautious look he gave him gave him the answer he was looking for.

“Yeah.” He turned back to Ten.

“Where is she? It’s her theme tonight!” Like most other people, Yuta too did not care about Ten’s theme.

“You would not guess.” He said with a grin, sitting down with a conspiratorial chuckle.

And that's how Johnny ended up in the basement for the first time in a year. He walked past each room, looking in to find what he was looking for.

Johnny wasn’t sure what he’d even do when he found it. Would he stop her? Would he watch? Or would he leave her alone like he had himself wanted?

Johnny slowed his steps, only for a moment. Why did she have to come to the basement now? If she wanted to, why didn't she mention it to him? He thought she wouldn't like it. Or maybe he wasn't the one she wanted to share that with. That last thought was alone to add a spring to his step.

His thoughts only spurred him on as he passed more rooms without her in it. Almost crossing one, he stopped to take a few steps back. He had to be sure that the back that was facing him was the one he was seeking.

She was in white like Ten's friend had stated, a dress he never had the privilege of seeing before tonight. Head rested on her hand, she was watching someone else. He relaxed, walking further into the room. Once her side came into view, the relief that came over him seemed to piss him off. Any thought of leaving her alone evaporated with it. This was supposed to be what he wanted.

“I had to see it for myself.” He scoffed, the novelty of the situation only just coming to him. (Y/N) turned in her chair, looking up at him with surprise in her eyes. “Trying new things? You could have told me if you wanted to come down here. At least I know what your limits are. You were never the best communicator.”

“I would assume that I know my own limits best.” She turned away from him, back to the two men in front of her. Not a hint of kindness in her eyes.

He really must have said too much that night. 

One of the men sat quietly on the large wooden bench every room had, yellow shirt hanging over his shoulders, in place because his hands were cuffed behind him. The other man stood over him, a flog in his hands. His white pants matched her dress.

“Has he stopped asking for more?” She questioned the one standing. Both the men were watching her, waiting.

“Then why did you stop?” She questioned, voice impatient. “Does the little boy want something stronger?” Yellow shirt nodded like he was waiting for the question.

(Y/N) chuckled, getting up to walk to the small chest of cupboards. She leaned over, making Johnny finally notice the length of her dress— high above her knee. Pure instinct made him turn to the other people in the room, watching her with undoubtedly the same thought on their minds.

“Someone isn’t on theme.” Johnny clicked his tongue. It made the guys turn to look at him, then between the two of them.

Suddenly Johnny felt like they were the spectators, and he was the one on display with her.

“I didn’t plan on coming here tonight, so I didn’t receive the memo.” She didn’t even look at him, standing up with a thick whip in her hand.

“Eyes on me boys.” She turned to the boys, “Do you want this?” She questioned and the one meant to be on the receiving end nodded eagerly. 

She chuckled, walking over to them and handing the tool over. 

“Such an obedient boy, aren’t you?” She cooed, hand on his chin. Yellow shirt nodded enthusiastically. Giving in to her so easily that it nauseated Johnny. That would get them nowhere.

Keeping her eyes on his face and her fingers stroking his cheek, she handed the whip to the other guy.

“Start slow. You’re being too hostile.” She turned to the man with a warning.

“He likes it.” He defended, her hooded gaze remained bemused.

“I’m the one who’s calling the shots, am I not?” She raised a brow. The man swallowed, giving her a quick nod. As complaint as his companion.

This was no fun.

Johnny scoffed rather loudly, but she ignored him and as a consequence, the boys ignored him as well.

“What will you tell me you'd do?” She continued, focused on the man.

“I will listen and follow instructions.”

“Like a what?”

“Like the slut I like to pretend I’m not.” 

She smiled, letting the one in yellow go to run a hand through this one’s hair. He closed his hooded eyes to enjoy the feeling.

“Good. Now do what you’re told.” He nodded and she let go, turning around to walk back to where she was.

Her eyes met Johnny’s finally.

“Can I help you?” She asked him, the tyrannical tone bleeding into the question. Johnny’s cock twitched for the first time that evening.

“You can start by reminding yourself who you’re speaking to, pet. Or do you need assistance?” Johnny tongued his cheek, shoving his restless fingers into his pocket.

She looked at him with disbelief for a moment. When she rolled her eyes, he was sure she was taunting him.

“You can keep your reminders to yourself.” She rubbed her hands together, “I didn’t come here to play with you.”

“Why are you here at all?” Johnny raised a brow, unable to hide the vexation in his voice. Why didn't she tell him she wanted to come to the basement?

It earned him the first flash of anger in her, so far, apathetic gaze. “I didn’t realise you were marking territory? Am I barred from coming here now?”

“I was asking a question.” He took in a cautious breath, realising that she thought he meant the club. Perhaps, the alternative made him look less bothered. 

“Can't you see?” she pointed at the two boys, “I'm simply minding my own business. Why have you come down here? Looking for me?” She leaned against the head of the chair she was seated in before, waiting for his response.

Johnny let out a humourless laugh, “Who said I was looking for you?”

“I haven’t known you to come to the basement before.” She pointed.

“Just because I haven’t come here with you, doesn’t mean I’m a stranger to the place."

The words did what they were intended to do, her anger flared with an inhale she tried to play off. Johnny had to bite down his smile.

“Okay, be on your way then.” She flicked her hand towards the exit, dismissing him. "There are other rooms."

Johnny took a step towards her instead, “I stopped at this one because I could not believe you could be a watcher. I wanted to see for myself."

“She told you to leave man, why are you ruining our night?” The boy in yellow whined, making Jaehyun turn to find both men watching the exchange. The other one kept his eyes on Johnny.

She turned to meet his gaze, “Did I say you can speak?” She questioned. The boy gulped, shaking his head. “If you’re that impatient then get on with it. I didn’t say you can stop.” He nodded, turning back to the man in white pants with a demand, his eyes still watching Johnny. He looked familiar.

Johnny whistled and hissed, bringing her attention back to him. “Look at you. Even I almost believe that look on your face. What’s wrong, baby? You sound mad.” He cooed, mocking her.

“What’s wrong is that you’ve sauntered in here to ruin my night.” She failed to hide her frown.

"Ruin?" Johnny's voice raised in taunt. "I'm sorry to disturb your little pageant. You must have been enjoying just how easy this was before I walked in. They're eating up your every word, you must be elated."

Her jaw flexed and Johnny had to resist the urge to close the gaping distance between them.

"If you're done with your tantrum. You can leave now." She aimed her gaze at the door, a single and final order. It was Johnny's turn to flex his jaw. Tantrum.

"If you think this is a tantrum then what should we call your fucking fits?" He clamped his jaw the moment he heard the edge in his voice.

"We don't have to call them anything." Her volume rose, taking a step forward, daring him to continue.

"There it is." He smiled victoriously, "Why don't you stomp your foot while you're at it. Let's show everybody what you're really like under this act."

He could see the way she got blinded by her rage. For him he realised, that was something only he was capable of pulling out of her.

He should have backed off but Johnny stayed pinned in place, momentarily consumed by his sick desires to always get a rise out of her. He knew she wanted it too, her breathing hitched but eyes stayed glued on him. It was deranged but this is what he has signed up for with her.

“Fine," She said after a well contemplated silence. Johnny's lips quirked, knowing he was right as usual. Finally she was going to give in to him. For once. "Take off your chain and I’ll give you what you want.”

His smile faltered, brows furrowing. He regained himself quickly, reminding himself that he was being foolish to believe it would be that easy. Not after he was the one who told her they'd be taking a break. Not after the unnecessary things he'd said.

It was a silly thing that he regretted the moment he proposed it. But the tone she had ignored him for no reason still made his blood boil. At least he had the decency to lay down his intentions in front of her. She had absolutely no right to be angry. And yet, she was furious at him. It was evident in how she refused to so much as look at him since he had made the proposition, acting like he wasn't even there. Refusing to share an elevator, refusing to bring papers to his office.

He wanted to be civil but she went to great lengths to stay out of his path. Even reminding him that he wanted this when he asked her why she was sending interns with tasks that were done easier without the middleman.

It was infuriating and it only offended Johnny further. Even now, he was the one to come here with his pride between his legs. He told himself that he would not give in till she relented first. 

“And what is it that I want, Kitten?”

“What you always want.” She turned to walk back to her chair, pulling the object closer to him, letting it grate against the cement floor harshly. “Me.”

Johnny's teeth against each other. Taking his hands out of his pocket, he folded his arms. No, it was her turn to give in.

“I will give you what you want if you take that chain off.” He pointed at her head.

“What I want is for you to leave. If you can’t do that, I will have to abandon my new friends.” She pointed behind her.

They reached a stalemate with her words, silently sizing each other up. In the back, the boys had forgotten about the commotion all together. The sound of clicking locks signalled the introduction of the bondage frame. The next sound was the clean crack of a whip, followed by a harsh inhale once it touched skin. Johnny took in a sharp inhale himself, the sounds tempting him.

“What good will taking mine off do?” Johnny spoke through raspy breathing, “You give up too soon anyway. You don’t know how to be in charge.” Another slash echoed against the walls, this time Johnny exhaled slow. “You only know how to be a brat.”

Despite his words, she smiled, watching him shift on his feet. “Two weeks without being inside me and you’re already forgetting things.”

“Has it been that long already? I didn’t even notice.”

“Sure. The last time you went this long, you were throwing tantrums like this.”

It was Johnny’s time to be racked with anger, his exhale slow, dangerous.

The whips increased in frequency and moans filled the large roam, bouncing across the walls with urgency.

“Go slow.” She lashed, turning her attention back to the couple.

“Sorry." Both of them said together, the one whipping dropped his arm. The other opened his glazed eyes.

Johnny should have brought (Y/N) to the basement himself.

“Sorry what?”

“Sorry, miss.” They said in tandem.

Johnny scoffed, “I never realised what a good teacher I was.”

“What do you fucking want?” She turned back to him, lips twisted with irritation. “You wanted a break, didn't you? What was it that you said?” She finally sat down, leaning back and crossing her legs. “That’s right. “You wanted a change. What happened, are you bored already?"

"No," Johnny shrugged, unclasping his arms from his chest to walk towards her. "I just wanted to see what you were doing with your free time. It's such a pity to see you waste it. The only person bored here is you apparently." This time he did smile, enjoying the way she averted her gaze, "So I came to offer you a game just for tonight."

"Not interested. You need to come up with better excuses."

Johnny hummed like he didn't believe her, shadow falling over his entire form as he came closer. Her brows knit, gearing up to defend the truth. He cut her off before she could even speak.

"Stand up." He ordered, stopping his stride only when his knee touched the chair.

She blinked, practically rendered silent by his audacity. What pissed her off more was how she almost did it, the chair audibly screeching back before she could reign her instincts in.

(Y/N) crossed her arms, mirroring his stance from earlier as she sat back to play off the slip, pretending she was just trying to sit back.

She knew it didn't work when Johnny smirked. She was busy preparing herself for when he asked again, to stand her ground with more conviction. Instead, he leaned down, kneeling in front of her. The act was in sharp contrast to his previous words, giving her whiplash and leaving her out of depth.

His fingers brushed her dress, staring at her lap in a way that made her think he would rest his head against it. It was a thought that had no place in the given circumstances. Slowly he looked up with a tender gaze that was equally out of place.

"What game do you have in mind?" She asked, mostly to distract herself from the way her heart leapt when she met his eyes. After all this time, he still had the ability to make her feel so excruciatingly timid.

"It's movie night." His voice was soft, "Let's pretend to be different people." He ran his tongue over his cheek.

She wasn't sure what to make of the statement. After all this time he never stopped being an enigma.

"Who are you dressed as?" She looked down at his white shirt, making a note of the undone bowtie, "Roger Moore as James Bond?"

"I prefer Sean Connery."

She took the bowtie between her fingers, "You don't have his raw sexual magnetism."

Johnny's lips twitched and she couldn't help the way her own mirrored it.

"If we're going to be playing parts," She sighed, not entirely sure how he'd managed to lure her in. Then again, she was always too ready to give in to him, "Let's play ones different from who we really are. Something to keep this night out of our," She failed to hide the sliver of indignation in her deep inhale, "Current situation."

Johnny licked his lips, looking somewhere between amused and rattled. Yet again, she was stunned by his audacity.

"In that case, I have the perfect thing." He took her hand in hers, bringing it up to kiss her palm. This time her indignated inhale came before a pained exhale.

He came closer instead of finishing his thought, leaning till their noses touched. 

"Let's pretend we're in love."

Her eyes froze over in an instant, a foreign gasp making her turn back to the people who were now spectators to her vulnerability. Both of them watched with bated breaths, their own preoccupations long forgotten. They watched her, waiting for her response.

She pushed Johnny without looking at him. Predictably, he did not budge. When it happened the third time she did turn back, liquid rage dripping from her glare. Her mind mulled over a response multiple times, the sort of words that would express her outrage without hinting at her agony. It fell short, not finding the right ones to express how deeply unkind his words were. Not without betraying her closely guarded secret.

He was still close to her, close enough to let her count the lashes that framed his amber eyes, to see the stray one that fell on his cheek. This close it was easy to see that he was the most beautiful man on earth, easy to forget everything and just fall an inch closer. It was easy to want nothing more than to press her lips against his, to forget they were meant to be apart. This close she didn't need to pretend to be in love.

"Oh god." She heard Yuta's voice, cutting through the haze of lust that began to overcast her decisions. "(Y/N)." He marched up to them.

Only when she heard his footsteps stop beside did she turn from Johnny.

"Let's go, babe." He pointed his thumb at the door, whistling to play off the urgency.

She turned back to Johnny, who had moved back a few inches now. Miles, as far as their usual proximity was concerned.

She sighed, pushing her chair back.

"What do you need (Y/N) for?" Johnny asked casually.

"I need to keep her away from you." Yuta clicked his tongue, laughing awkwardly when Johnny turned to frown at him. "Nothing personal, buddy. She made me promise I would." He pointed at her.

Johnny turned to her, raising a brow. Waiting for confirmation.

"Don't bother. My instructions are to take her away whether she likes it or not. You know how crazy our (Y/N) is." Yuta chuckled like he was making small talk. She got out of her chair with a loud screech.

"Let's go." She grabbed Yuta's arm to turn him around, "I need a fat drink."

"You need a fat something." He scoffed, knowing himself that he deserved the smack she landed on his arm

"At least try to think before you speak sometimes." She groaned.

"Just tell her man." One of the boys spoke up, reminding Johnny of their presence. It was the one in yellow, his brows furrowed in deep thought. His companion scoffed, shaking his head.

"Did anybody say you can stop whipping?" Johnny raised a brow at the guy with the object in his hand. "Did you tell him to stop?" He asked the one tied up. Both shook their heads.

"In that case, you need to focus on your own endeavours." Johnny stood up from the floor, brushing the dirt of the knees of his good pants. "Enjoy your night."

As he turned to walk away, the sound of a whip cracked through the silence.

__

(Y/N) seemed to find more than a few merits in the basement. On top of being less crowded, the basement bar also housed some interesting liquor choices. A tequila bottle with a worm and some Baiju with an entire snake sat side by side on the shelf at eye level. While she would not be trying them, she could respect Ten's sense of humour.

Yuta also swore that this was the bar with the best cocktails. Martin, the bartender, was a legend on the premises if her best friend's claims were true. Patrons would sometimes grace the floor to only stop for a drink. She was sufficiently intrigued.

Nails tapped against the stone surface of the bar as they waited for the cocktails in question. She also waited for Yuta to speak, getting impatient and agitated from his stare.

"I just don't understand why you keep doing this." He huffed. Never one to express any overt opinion on the matter, she was caught off guard by his frustration. "If you really want to stay out of his way then do it."

"I'm trying. He came to me."

“You and I both know that you can enforce a boundary when you want to.” He groaned, looking away like the whole thing was making him uncomfortable. “Look, I don’t want to sit here and act like I can give you any real advice. I just want to ask you if you’re sure about what you’re doing.”

She could never lie to Yuta, not in a convincing way at least. She stopped tapping her nails, rubbing her fingers together and watching the bright lights above reflect on her nails.

“I know what I'm supposed to be doing. What it’s supposed to be like.” She mumbled the confession, spotting a chip in her nail enamel. “But it’s confusing with him. Everything is confusing with him.” Teeth ground against teeth as she let the words wash over her. She needed a manicure. She needed to stop doing this to herself.

"This has started to feel self-inflicted to me." Yuta assessed with accuracy.

"It needs to end." She spoke, the words rattling her to the core.

It was the only way left now.

"Then do it? What exactly are you waiting for?" Yuta raised a brow, making it blatant that he was baiting her.

Her lips parted, answer ready on her lips. She bit her tongue the next moment, putting the thought away.

"How do you just expect him to notice that you're this in love with him when you put so much effort into hiding it?"

She looked up at him fast, "I’m not–"

"Spare me, (Y/N)." He cut her off, "The only person who can't tell is the man himself. And that’s only because he’s too busy being in love with you.”

“Stop.” She shook her head, “That just isn’t true.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Fuck off, Yuta. You don’t know all of it. You’ve seen him be nice, you’ve seen him take me to the orthopaedic’s, seen him get me drinks. But you don’t know how he is. If Johnny loved me, he would say it.”

“Like you say it?” His brows furrowed, looking angry. She had never seen Yuta angry at her.

“It’s not the same.” She took a deep breath, her lungs fracturing from the force. A sound of wood cracking filled the air, followed by the laughs of multiple people. She turned back to see the cause of the commotion. Someone shouted that a bench broke, followed by a reassurance that everybody was fine.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Yuta spoke after, “You keep torturing the guy because you don't know what to do about how you feel. And you torture yourself because you don't want to make a decision." Yuta paused, giving a sympathetic sigh. "I love you, but it's not fair, you know that. He drops everything for you, I can’t believe you don’t see how he lets you toy with him. He’s always at the mercy of your whims and he doesn’t even mind it. Do you want to be the kind of person who does that to someone? He’s a decent guy."

She knew he was right. But he also didn't know all of it. 

"I don't want to torture him." She admitted, keeping her eyes fixed on the white bar top, “He's always trying to get a rise out of me and I just,” She paused to sigh, yet again feeling confronted by her own state. These were things she’d never said before. “So I give him what he wants, a fair fight. I don't know how this ended up being the kind of thing where we keep pushing to see how far it can go.”

Yuta frowned, visibly bothered by the notion. She couldn't blame him. It seemed to be like this all the time now. Both of them looked for reasons to fight lately, like they were testing to see who would get up and call it off first. Loving him made her angry and picking fights made it easier to pin that anger on the right target. He had begun to find her frustrating as a result.

"Why not just talk it out? It can't be worse than it is now?" Yuta questioned.

About this, he would be wrong. She knew Johnny too well by now. He would try to play it off, say that they can give it a shot without meaning it. Johnny was used to being admired, he would never understand its intensity. He would take it as easy as he took most things and it would ruin her.

"I think," She paused, looking up at the ceiling with a groan. "I'm not afraid of rejection. If he said no it would hurt, but I'd move on." She looked back down at her friend with a heavier heart. "What I'm afraid of is that he would say yes without meaning it. He's okay with everything. If I asked him for a relationship he'd say okay, if I ask him I never want to see him again he'd say okay too. If I asked him for the real thing I'd want it to work. But I don't know what he wants." 

She sighed, thinking about how complacent he was about everything. When she decided to ignore him on a whim he left it alone, when she decided to spend the last week of her recovery at Yuta's he was okay with it. He was okay with her sleeping with Doyoung and when she told him they don't anymore he was okay with that too.

"Johnny is just always okay with everything." She spat the words, before she sighed again. "I know that's not fair I just–" She paused again, entirely lost on what she even wanted. "If he loves me, he does a terrible job showing it."

“Oh,” Yuta said. To his credit, she could tell that he was trying to understand. “That does sounds complicated.”

That was what finally made her laugh. Complicated was exactly what she’d spend her entire life avoiding. It was why she spent her weekends with her friends and why she was insistent on keeping things casual with Johnny.

She nodded in agreement, a pitiful smile lifting her lips. "I'm ready to take all of it too. That's how afraid I am to be without him. I keep playing his games and I keep making new ones. Hoping it will keep him interested. Hoping that for once he'd say more than okay. Even if it was a no." She groaned, once again angry at herself.

"What happened to you?" Both of them laughed, her face scrunching.

"I don't know, man. I've tried so many times to figure out how I let a person rattle the peace I’ve spent my entire life protecting. A man who could replace me without any effort."

"No one can replace you." He sounded offended.

She scoffed, mostly finding his reassurance touching.

"I get that you're moping, but you make no sense." Yuta's brows furrowed, "He's wrapped around your fingers."

"That's just because I keep him on his toes." She shrugged, "To overthrow predictability is to strive for more compelling experiences." She repeated the words Johnny had said to get once, the words leaving her tongue bitter. 

Yuta tapped his knuckles on the bar with a frustrated groan, pointing an accusatory finger at her. " I told you to not play fuck monopoly. You've gone and turned it into a tournament." Yuta groaned, knocking his shoulder against hers.

"I should have listened to you.” She admitted, lips twitching when Yuta looked surprised at the confession. “Sometimes I wish it wasn't so combative. If I wasn't so afraid of losing him every second he's with me, then maybe I'd love him without fighting it all the time."

The words left her heavier than she imagined, wishing she really could do it. When she wasn't so busy fighting it with all her might, she knew that loving him was worth all of the things it came with.

"You can just love him." Yuta's words made her close her eyes in denial, "Everybody is at the risk of being lost, no? Nobody comes with a guarantee, why should he? I could have a heart attack tonight while having the best sex of my life and you will never see me again. You don't fight our friendship? Why fight this?"

She looked up a little at loss, unnerved by the wisdom Yuta suddenly imparted.

"What?" He asked.

"I can't believe you just live, laugh, loved this." She snorted. Despite everything, she felt more grateful for Yuta now than she ever had before. "I appreciate this. Really, you are my ride or die." She gave his hand a squeeze.

"Aw, you're so sentimental. Do you still want me to keep you away from Johnny?"

"Yes."

Yuta sighed, "I guess I was also being too optimistic expecting you to change overnight. Think this through when you can."

"I will." She promised.

"That's good enough for me."

_

Leaning against the bar, head resting on her palm, she took in another deep sigh. (Y/N) had lost count of how many it had been. A deep melancholy had settled in her bones and it could neither be shaken off nor be cured.

"What can I get you?" The bartender came up to her.

Her order came to the tip of her tongue like it was second nature, a glass of whatever red was the best. But she stopped herself when she realised that it was Johnny's second choice, not hers. Then she thought to ask for a whiskey but immediately realised that it was Johnny's first. Maybe making a simple decision shouldn't be so complicated.

"A gin and tonic for the lady, Martin. The one you make with the lavender gin." Johnny spoke as he took the seat in front of her. "Since she walked into my gin joint of all places."

The words made her finally realise what he meant to dress as, a humorous smile tugging at her lips. 

It had been a while since she'd seen him properly. Johnny had spent most of the past few weeks on a work trip, spending the remainder of his time on the recording floor. The rest, she took the effort of being out of his way, taking his need for a break to heart. A break from her, he meant. It was the least she could do.

Right now, in the depths of her despair and with two glasses of two different liquors in her, she allowed herself a good look.

To her misfortune, he looked as he always did. As breathtaking as the first day she walked into this club. He was different behind these walls too; always at ease, not exhausted, not burdened by the condition of his position. In here Johnny was always just a man.

She seemed to understand then. He wanted a break to get back to this, to be carefree and fun. Without the predictability and bitterness that had settled into what they had. Her fingers squeezed the edge of the bar.

Johnny ran his index finger over the rim of his glass, mixing the sound with the tapping of his shoe— making some unknown melody. The action brought her attention to the flicker on his wrist, from where hung a single gold chain. Her eyes wandered to his collar, where the silver chain from earlier was missing.

"What brings you here, Miss?" He sat back in his chair, his eyes sparkling under the sparse lights.

She took a moment, taking his words in. His question was an open ended request. She could be anybody she wished right now, say whatever she wished. She could be carefree and fun, be as unpredictable as she liked. 

She could make him stay.

"A miscalculation. I thought it would be an enjoyable night. Yet I'm stuck making boring small talk with a man who thinks he can order drinks for me." She couldn't help the words, the anger from before still remaining. If he wanted time away from her then why did he keep coming in her way? Why did he make it hard for her to walk away from him?

She could be anybody at that moment. Yet, (Y/N) chose to be herself.

Johnny's eyes danced with embers, tongue darting out to lick his eager lips. He chose to be himself too.

"My apologies, Miss." He tipped his head, not meaning it in the slightest.

"You seem to know my tastes." She picked the drink up once Martin placed it in front of her, giving him a quick smile.

"I am a man of many talents." Johnny answered.

"I was talking to the bartender, Sir." She turned to him, nose raised high. Martin chuckled, apologising to Johnny almost immediately after he could. The title was meant to mock the one he used for her. Yet the very formation of the word on her tongue reminded her that it was a word between people they were trying to run away from at the moment.

Johnny's lips twitched and she couldn't tell what it implied, what he was reacting to.

"What brings you here?" She asked, humouring him at last.

"To this place?"

"To me."

Johnny chewed his bottom lip, clearly a little frustrated at her adamant need to be difficult. In truth, she couldn't be sure why she was being like this either. But Johnny liked when he was cornered, rendered retortless. And the distress marked so clearly across his face made the depths of her belly twist in a way it hadn't in weeks.

"Do you gamble?" She asked him, once again steering the conversation away from the dead ends she sent them into herself.

"I did once, lost everything I had."

"That must have been hard. My condolences to you."

"It doesn't matter to me. At least we'll always have Paris." He gave her a smile that was uncharacteristically warm. It pulled her out of the act, reminding her of what she was missing.

(Y/N) remembered making Ten and Johnny watch the movie. One of her all time favourites, she had warned him when he complained about the cliché premise. She knew that was why he was doing this. She just couldn't tell if it was out of spite or affection.

"My husband is waiting for me upstairs. I must go to him." She stood up, breath catching in her throat when he caught her wrist.

"Your husband is gambling."

"My husband doesn't gamble."

"We all gamble, my love."

She jerked her hand out of his hold, the words stinging her like a live wire. Sucking in her teeth she couldn't help the way her face twisted, seething.

"You will be back." Johnny sat back, face neutral.

"Why would I?" She tapped her hand on the bar, lifting her drink into her free hand.

"Because we all have something at stake." He let her hand go, eyes shifting with sorrow. She wondered if he'd always been such a good actor.

__

Johnny played her face over in his mind so many times that he hoped it would dull the pang in his chest. Could it really be that bad? Did she hate the idea that much? Was being in love with him that unpleasant a thought to her?

He groaned, sitting up on the sofa. The sound earned his friends attention, Ten turning to him with a particularly impatient gaze. He looked ready to say something.

"Can you just–" He began, his husband's hand coming up to stop him.

"Johnny needs another drink." Taemin gave Ten a warning look, turning to Johnny after. "There's a good Japanese whiskey out today." He offered with a smile, pitying him.

Johnny wanted to scoff, but he was aware that he had successfully over wrung everybody's patience. So he nodded and got up to leave.

He realised that he had become the reason he avoided the fancies of things as tedious as love, sitting here by himself drowning his aching sorrows in alcohol too expensive to be drunk so copiously. Just like the movie he had made fun of, Johnny was yet again a cliché.

"This needs to stop." He mumbled to himself, not remotely drunk enough to pull half the antics he did tonight.

Johnny had always believed that he’d find love when the time was right. He never sought it out because he believed that these things happened on their own. The fact that he spent the entirety of his twenties building his company was something he was proud of. He didn’t believe he had wasted the time.

In truth, Johnny had spent his entire life working towards something. Too occupied to ever feel loneliness in the way it was perhaps meant to be experienced. Which was probably why he wasn’t prepared for it. Love had finally found him and Johnny was plunged headfirst into wanting something that he failed to work towards. There was nowhere to go. What he wanted was right in front of him. He just didn’t have the courage to grab it.

He heard the hesitant intake of breath he’d recognise anywhere. The sound dragging him out of his musings.

"You were right." Her words pierced through his thoughts.

Johnny halted the urge to whip his head immediately at the sound.

"Are you here to finally gamble?" He spoke to his glass. She came around to stand in front of him, shaking her head.

Her hand reached out, moving the few stray strands off his face, When he flinched at the touch, she retreated her fingers quickly. 

"You aren't the only one to have lost everything in Paris." She spoke carefully.

He sighed, the sound more like the wince of hot sand when it finally rained. Looking up, his eyes met her vulnerable ones, the ones he’d keep making the same stupid mistakes for. The ones he'd happily run into a million dead ends for.

Johnny put his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She didn't fight it and he was sure that his relief was written across his face as he rested his forehead against hers.

“Who are you really?” He sighed.

“We said no questions.” She sighed along with him; caressing his hair, playing his game.

"We have to stop doing this to each other. To ourselves." He let the liquor speak for him, soaking up the courage it came with. Johnny took a breath, telling himself to take the leap; to say what he needed to say, to ask for what he yearned to have.

Her hand landed on his arm, squeezing. “Johnny.” Her whisper trembled past her lips.

“Hmm?” He said with incredible caution, squeezing her tighter and bringing her closer. Slowly he opened his eyes, waiting for her to speak.

“Let me go. I don't like this game anymore.” She tried to get away from his hold.

Johnny’s brows furrowed, “What?” He breathed out, not expecting that. He was being serious, he needed to speak before he lost his nerve.

“Just,” She huffed. “Move. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” She hit his shoulder when he didn’t listen.

“You came to me.” He reminded her.

“Yes, and now I want to go.” She grit her teeth. “Please.” She pleaded, practically whimpered in pain, and his hands relaxed the very next moment, letting her go.

“Whatever, (Y/N). I’m tired of this.” He turned away from her.

Despite her earlier insistence, she faltered. He could see her watching him from the corner of her sight, hesitating. Just as he turned to call her out on it, or to finally ask (he wasn't sure), a voice called his name. Both of them turned.

“Hey Johnny,” It was Jessica, the model. “Can you come with me for a moment?”

Johnny turned his gaze to look at (Y/N), finding her jaw gritted and eyes fixed on the girl. His lips quirked despite himself, tongue sliding over his lower lip as it lifted.

“Sure.” He sat up, “I was done here anyways.” He stood up from his seat.

_

“What?” Johnny stopped in front of Ten. If the way he snapped didn’t betray his irritation, he hoped his face did. “Why did you send Jessica to call me?”

Ten turned to Johnny, taking in the apparent displeasure with a frown of his own.

“Yuta mentioned that he’s meant to keep the two of you apart. I thought I would add to the effort.” Ten shrugged.

Johnny ran her hands through his hair, “Okay.” He groaned, sounding anything but. “But why did you send Jessica?”

“She was passing by and she knows you.”

“Yeah but now (Y/N) thinks–” He paused, exhaling in a way that sounded like another groan. “Nevermind. Did you even want anything?”

“Not really.” Ten smacked his lips, “If I avoided all the people you’ve slept with in my club then I would have had to go call you myself.”

“You should have since you’re so passionate about this. (Y/N) can make her own decisions, just leave it alone.” He flicked a pillow from behind Ten, making the guy fall back into the sofa.

Ten turned around, eyes laced with intention.

“You’re a coward Johnny.”

“Ten.” Taemin cautioned but his conviction did not falter.

“You need to grow up and have a real conversation with the girl you love.” He continued, giving his best friend a pertinent look. “You’re just punishing yourself and that girl for no reason.” His face softened for a moment, looking like he was pitying Johnny. “Sometimes we ruin things beyond repair by letting it be.”

“You need to,” Johnny took a step closer, “Leave it alone.” It was a plea, partially because he knew Ten was right.

“He’s right.” Taemin interjected, “You can’t meddle in his matters.”

"I'm not meddling." Ten hissed at his husband, "I'm tired of watching my best friend wallow in a misery of his own making." He looked at Johnny, "It won't go away if you ignore it. And it won't change till you do something about it. So why?" He asked.

Johnny rubbed his hand over his face, not in his right mind or place to have this conversation. “You don’t get it.” He said with a lost voice.

“You have to do something, Johnny. Do you expect to live in limbo?” Ten added.

He expected her to deal the death blow. Something he would not say out loud. This entire time he had expected— practically hoped— that she would be the one who would have left by now. He would have accepted it, he would have swallowed it as an inevitable, and he would have taken solace in having been right from the start. That she would get bored of him.

He had been so sure of it that he wasn't prepared for this. He hadn't accounted for ever making it this far.

Johnny nodded to Ten, a silent promise. His friend was right, no matter how much it pissed him off. Johnny knew he would at least have to make a decision soon.

__

(Y/N) walked away from Johnny with cold hands. This was it, her steps faltered. She walked as far away as she could. All the preparation she had done for that exact moment had evaporated with his words. She couldn’t believe that she ran away like she did, only delaying the inevitable.

He was ready to do it, she could feel it in her bones. She could read it all over his face.

I’m tired of this.

That was the exact indifference to the matter she had feared most of all.

Whatever.

It was like being stabbed by a rusted knife— messy and unnecessary in its cruelty.

Whatever, (Y/N).

Her head hurt, she pushed through to get deeper into the club. To somewhere she could not be found. She needed to prepare herself better for this. She was afraid she’d beg him to say, afraid she’d cry. This wasn't the place or the state of mind she needed to be in for this.

Whatever.

She took a deep breath. No, she needed to prepare herself better.

She couldn’t believe that he would do it here. And he would have. Her exhale came out irate, he would have held her in place and told her he was tired of her.

He would have finished the thought had it not been for the model. Miss belly button herself. Her next breath came out utterly furious.

She was tired of this too, she coaxed herself. Tired of being stuck in limbo with the most elusive man she could have possibly laid hands on. She was tired of loving him too, she lied to herself.

She stopped, realising that she was in the emerald alcove. Yuta’s favourite corner. It was a cosy spot lined by arches that circled the area, littered with chairs that were closer together. Each arch had large and thick curtains that were never drawn, but nonetheless served as a visual policy that added to the sense of seclusion it was meant to emulate.

It was also the part of the club where Johnny had fucked his blonde companion on that night. 

(Y/N) shoved the thought out of her head as fast as it emerged. The first order of business would be to stop thinking about him all the damn time.

She picked up her drink from the bar, a sweet and potent cocktail this time, her kind of drink. Looking around to find a corner to sit in, her eyes landed on a man at the bar. One she recognised. One of the guys from the basement. The rough one with hooded eyes.

"The glasses really change your face." She sat down on the bar stool beside the one he occupied. The man looked up, surprised to see her.

"Usually people tell me how used to my glasses they are, that my face feels empty without them," He smiled to himself. "But I suppose we met under extraordinary circumstances." He tapped his glass, still giving her an odd look.

"You look disconcerted by the memory." She pursed a smile.

"Not particularly, I just didn't think I'd see you again. I'm a little surprised in all honesty." He commented.

"It's a small world." She shrugged.

"It's an even smaller guest list."

This time she did smile.

"I do finally understand why new faces are such a sensation around here." She continued into a new territory, enjoying the confusion on his face.

"Isn't it so?" He snapped back into a casual retort almost immediately. "It gets awkward really fast when everybody is a friend of a friend."

"Speaking of, where's your friend?" She looked around, wondering if he was close.

The guy smiled, almost like he was expecting it. "Why? Would you prefer his company to mine?"

She looked back, "I'm just curious." Her shrug was noncommittal.

"He must be around here somewhere." The man shrugged back, equally evasive. "We aren't friends, we just fuck sometimes. These big, important men and their secret need to be in the palm of someone's hand." He told her like she somehow knew what he was talking about.

She gave him a puzzled look that made him chuckle. 

"I thought Johnny Suh used to wear copper as a joke." This time he steered the conversation into new waters, "But you, I always knew were the silver type." He pointed a finger at her, more victorious than accusatory.

"Nonsense." She laughed.

"You're a natural. I knew it on the day the man spent the entire evening on the floor with your foot in his lap."

"I," She paused, stunned at the mention of the day. From the perspective of a virtual stranger nonetheless. "I can't believe you saw that." She blushed, the memory coming back. It was a joke, something they did to see how their friends would react. It never occurred to her before now how it might look to an onlooker.

"Small pool." He shrugged, "When I first started coming here, I had my eyes on him. But it's easy to tell that he's not the surrendering type. So when I saw that, I couldn't help but have my eyes on you."

She was surprised by the easy confession, an effortless breeze .

"Did I live up to your expectations or was it disappointing?" She questioned, playing her surprise off as flirtation.

"Yes and no." The man smiled, pushing his specs higher up. "On one hand I've finally solved the mystery that is Johnny Suh."

"Oh.” She stopped to wonder if she should ask him to elaborate, thinking against it immediately after. “And on the other?" She asked instead.

"I really wish you did more than just watch."

Her mouth opened with evident surprise, the words so easily said. An absolute and uncomplicated request. The man laughed, clearly enjoying the surprise on her face. It made her snap back.

"Maybe in a few months, we can get back to this." She half joked.

"Months?" He winced, "Are you going on a trip?" He sniggered.

She smiled, not willing to elaborate any further.

"Something to look forward to nonetheless." He raised a glass, "I think your usual is waiting for you." He pointed over her shoulder, making her turn.

Her usual was sitting on one of the sofas, at a considerable distance. She wouldn't even have noticed him without the prompt.

"Well, your glasses work for sure." She squinted. "Trying to get rid of me?" She asked while trying to gauge Johnny's expression. She was unfortunately not wearing her own glasses.

The man laughed, "No, I just believe that some things are best left unbreached." His voice was careful.

She turned back, "And here I thought you were flirting with me."

"Oh I absolutely am. I just have different tastes. Also best left unencroached." He licked his lips.

Her eyes fell on the movement, "I have ears and an open mind." She looked up deliberately slow.

"I don't know, will you just using me to make a point?" He teased, eyes darting behind her.

"You don't seem to mind being used."

His cheeks turned red and it made her lips twitch. She had been denying herself the extent of what the club had to offer, (Y/N) realised.

The man's eyes went behind her again just as she heard shuffling. She rolled her eyes to the heaven's themselves. Eventually, she'd tire of Johnny's predictable antics. Maybe then she'd tire of her own too.

"Is she bothering you again?" Johnny put a hand on her waist, effortless and clear in its intention.

"We were just getting to know each other." The man smiled.

She realised that she hadn't caught his name yet.

"Are you finally socialising?" The question was blatantly aimed at her. But she pretended not to understand, turning to call the bartender over instead.

"A repeat?" The server pointed to her glass but she shook her head.

"Water."

"Time for us to go home, babe?" Johnny leaned down, his breathy question warning her neck. The heat from his hand burned her through her dress as well. The assumption in his words burning her pride.

"You're intruding." The words slipped from her tongue. She didn't look at Johnny but the other man looked up at him with a glint in his eyes.

Johnny laughed again, this time a little more nervous. Good, she thought. She was done pretending to take him in stride.

"(Y/N)–" Johnny began, his words careful.

"Go home, Johnny." She interrupted. "Didn't you say you were tired?" She turned to look at him. Johnny looked down at her with a heavy frown. She braced herself for some dreaded response. But he said nothing, just watching her for a fleeting moment in a way that gave her hope. Hope that immediately soured when he looked away.

"I'm actually tired." She said simply. "You might have to go look for belly button again. What was her name, again?"

"You never asked her name."

"Right. It's for the best, I suppose." She grit her teeth, hands tightening around her glass. "It would be a long day if I tried to keep up with them all."

His eyes glimmered with ill intention as he leaned closer to her face. Pride made her stand her ground, not look away.

"I've done it to you too. If you want me to do it again just ask." He licked his lips, a heated reminder of a few months ago when things were so very different. Every inch of her skin flushed.

"Fuck you." She spat, the implied consolation in the words enraging her from head to toe. Especially when he didn't sound consolatory at all. 

She turned when she heard the chair beside her move.

"Leaving so soon?" She asked the man. He shrugged, adjusting his glasses and giving her a nod.

"Come on." Johnny nudged her, "We're done."

"No, I'm just getting started." She met his gaze from the corner of her eyes, You can go back to whatever cunt you crawled out of." She eyed Johnny's unruly hair, ruined by god knows what, truly at the tail end of her patience and pretence.

She turned back to give the man a smile, "I'm sorry, please just ignore him."

He gave an uneasy laugh, looking up at Johnny before back at her. Before the man could get another word in, she felt Johnny close in again. This time his fingers slid down her arms. 

He did it so deliberately slow, so expertly, that apart from breaking into goosebumps, she also visibly shivered. His lips part against the shell of her ear, the sound rattling her spine.

"The only cunt I'm crawling in or out of is yours. I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure that out by now." He kissed the skin under her ear, making her shut her eyes. The words and the action did exactly what he intended. She melted against him, heart soaring at the confession. 

The chair beside her slid back further, making her eyes open. "Never a boring day in this club." The man chuckled to himself, walking away after giving her a last wave and Johnny an amiable nod.

"I hate you." She spat at Johnny once he was gone. 

"Okay." Johnny said, not even pretending to take her seriously. "Come, I want to fuck you." He brushed his fingers over her knuckles. The words made her stomach twist and clench. "I even wore your favourite little chain."  He took her hand in his, the gold chain hanging from the wrist.

Her lungs slammed her heart, no doubt exhausted by its flightless fancies. He was giving her what she wanted. It was all she would have. Johnny was giving in to her for once.

Fuck. She cursed in her head. Just this once.

She still didn't turn to look at him, "Will you honour it?" The words came out easier than she would have liked. Johnny hummed against her ears, lifting her hand to his lips.

"Anything you want." He kissed the tips of her fingers one by one.

"Are you still playing your game?" Doubt made her ask the question, finally daring to turn just enough to see his face. She wanted him to say no. He looked up and remained silent instead.

Her ensuing exhale was one of surrender, "Fine, let's play."

A game was all it was, she supposed.

_

Johnny lay back in bed with a kind of cocky smirk that looked like he had already won. She couldn’t fathom what he was so proud about. But then again, he had no clue what was to come.

“How will you have me?” He asked, undeterred by the weight of any consequences. He put his arms behind his head, relaxing further into the bed. She didn’t answer him, turning her back to him to peek through the amenities drawer. After rummaging through all the intriguing objects, she settled on a long satin cloth. Running it between her fingers she closed her eyes to feel it, deciding that this would have to do.

When she turned, his eyes were waiting, taking the object in.

“Are you going to blindfold me to deprive me of your pretty face? Or will you do it to yourself to pretend I’m someone else. The man from earlier, perhaps?” He raised a brow.

She said nothing, keeping her eyes roaming and on anything but him. Gently, she put the cloth down at the very foot of the bed before walking into the washroom.

When she returned, Johnny’s brows were furrowed. He tried to smooth it out when she came into view, but the subconscious frown on his lips remained. It made her purse a smile.

For all his menacing ways, Johnny was a generous lover. His intention was to push her beyond the edges of her flimsy patience, going a little further each time till she was surprised at her own limits. 

But he was also kind in a way that he didn’t realise. Johnny would take his time, but the man always gave in before he intended. True to his personality, he went with the flow and stayed starkly aware of his partner. She could always trust that he would never push her beyond a limit she could not handle.

She however was not the same. Not as seasoned as he was, she was driven solely by her need to stake a claim on his bottomless patience. 

Her need to control him was unique to him only. (Y/N) had never desired to conquer a man like she wanted to conquer Johnny Suh. It made her petty and it made her unpredictable. He had known how to push her buttons from the first day she walked into this place. Even before that, Johnny always knew how to push her professionally. He drove her to blinding rage that left her vulnerable.

It made her mean in retaliation. Her method was to distress him in an effort to shatter his usual easygoing resolve. She liked to watch him beg as much as he did her, but more than that she liked to watch him as he let her get away with it all. 

She was always at his fingertips. But he was also wrapped around her fingers. And she'd take every opportunity she had left to remind him of that.

He turned to look at her, trying to hide his growing impatience. She untied her hair, letting it fall over her shoulders with a sigh.

She stopped at the edge of the bed, eyes going over his entire form. Her eyes halted at his legs, returning to his waiting gaze with a silent instruction. Johnny decided to play dumb, raising both his brows in clueless question.

She didn't move, watching him with such impassive patience that a part of her was impressed by her own restraint. There was a silent stare off that she promised to win on account of the indignation she'd been holding at bay for two weeks.

Johnny smiled, a thought sparking his eyes.

"You do it." He stared at her, "Please?" His voice dripped with his taunt.

She turned away from him, walking back to the foot to pick up the sash she left. His eyes followed her as she came back. Sitting beside him, she placed her hand across his torso. Tilting her head to her shoulder she watched him for a second, eyes storming with contemplation.

"Come here." She finally said, fingers brushing over the buttons of his pants. He moved so fast that he almost threw them both off the bed. Her lips twitched and she had to look away to bite it back.

"We don't know each other." She said softly, fingers flicking the button off. When she looked up, Johnny's brows were furrowed in confusion. "We're strangers who met here today. That's the people we can pretend to be."

Johnny chewed on his bottom lip, looking like he wanted to say something.

"It's my turn. That's the part I want to play." She reinforced her idea, taking his silence as agreement. 

Johnny nodded, confused but intrigued by where this was going. She was angry, it was plain to see. Johnny had never really seen how her fury looked when it boiled over. But he hadn't expected it to be this silent. He tried to push down the fear it brewed deep within his bones. With all his pushing, Johnny also knew how to pull back. So he allowed himself to go along with the game, hoping he hadn't pushed her too far.

When she did pull his pants down, Johnny's dick stood up like it was peering to catch a glance. As usual, a traitor. She unclenched her fingers, the sash falling on his legs. Still unsure of its purpose, he extended his hands to her, wrists held together.

She looked up at him with cold amusement, "Do you want to be restrained that bad?"

"What else could it be for?" He asked, voice betraying his impatience.

"You don't need to be tied, Johnny. You never do. It's not like something so flimsy would hold you anyway." He watched her toy with the object, gingerly wrapping one end of the cloth around her palm a few times. The other end still resting against his thigh.

"Then?"

"What? Don't trust me?" She raised an expectant brow.

"Right now, I'm not sure what you're going to do." He gave her a cautious gaze, yet again failing to gauge her state of mind.

"Just lie back."

So he did, he listened to her and relaxed back against the pillows.

She raised her hand flicking the sash up, the material brushed against his dick, making it twitch again. She did it again, moving it back and forth against his tip till he was clenching his thighs.

"What are you doing?" He asked between rapid breaths.

"Don't like it?" She questioned, meeting his gaze. When she moved it again, the smooth cloth brushed over the underside of his cock, grazing the vein that was now bulging. Johnny's hips lifted off the bed. "You seem to like it." She hummed.

She looked back down, spinning the sash around this time. The thing wrapped around his cock in hypnotising circles, covering the length with feather light brushes. When it brushed over his tip, Johnny had to close his eyes.

He had been so on edge all evening, so excruciatingly hard, that his dick was beyond sensitive. It made the delicate friction shoot liquid electricity up his legs, fresh blood pumping into his already stiff dick.

Then she tugged the ribbon with one harsh pull, the entire thing tightening around his length in one exquisite clench.

"Fuck." He groaned, hips bucking up again. "That's–" He began, but the material was already coming loose, making his eyes shoot open just as she let it fall slack. 

Before words could form in his mind, before Johnny even tried, she was moving it back and forth again.

"What are you trying to do?" He asked, feeling as confused as he did aroused.

"I'm going to get you off. That's what you want, right?" She blinked up at his face, giving him an innocent look.

He wanted her to touch him. But that felt like a confession of subjugation.

"I'm not going to get off like this." He said instead. Her lips twitched, the glint in her eyes telling him that he'd said the wrong thing.

"Are you assuming, or is that a promise?" She questioned.

Johnny didn't respond, knowing well when he'd walked into one of her traps. She knew it too, returning to the task at hand with a chuckle.

"I'll take that as a promise then." She spoke softly, words as gentle as the satin that brushed against his dick over and over.

With each stroke, he felt the skin get more sensitive than he thought possible. His hips squirmed more frequently, eyes fluttering shut, the fabric edging him to insanity. The precum that was beading at his tip began to make each brush a little harsher. 

It wasn't enough to even pretend to search for the beginnings of a build up. Yet it made his cock twitch a little more with each brush, just enough to feel good in what it was denying him. Johnny's lips parted when she wrapped the ribbon around his dick again, brows creasing as she tugged the thing tight around his length. He would have laughed at his state had he not felt so incredibly turned on.

"You love this." She seemed to choke on her own realisation, just as he felt the cloth begin to wrap around his dick again. Knowing what was coming, he braced himself. "Look at you, Whore." She clicked her tongue, "Your fingers are going to tear the sheets."

Heat spread from his forehead down his chest, suddenly too aware of the effect this was having on him.

"I'm trying not to grab your hair and put your mouth where it belongs." He opened his eyes, just in time for her to pull the sash taut again. A moan slipped past his open mouth.

"Where does my mouth belong?" She goaded him, "On your cock?" A dismissive hum slipped past her lips. "Looking at you now, I think my mouth is too good for you."

With that, Johnny could agree. Her mouth was too good for anyone. He wasn't sure that he wouldn't come the moment she so much as brushed her lips against it.

"You've kept me hard and waiting all night. There's only so much a man can take." His thighs unclenched as the ribbon released his length, falling around the base in circles.

"I told you to go bury your busy cock in some other hole."

"And I told you I only want to bury myself in you." He raised a brow, annoyed that she refused to believe him.

He saw the shift in her gaze and the red that tinted her cheeks.

"Let me feel how wet you are." The words rushed out with desperation, taking the liberty the moment gave him. Slowly, he dragged his hands closer to her. Despite the caution she was menacing, tightening the cloth against his base with a swift jerk. The friction made him wince, his hips lifting off the mattress again.

"Take your time with your game. I just want to see how much your pussy missed me."

Her breath came in and out in sharp waves, never too far to not be affected by the right words. Words he knew best.

"Behave." She warned him.

"No." He sat up, enjoying the uneven rise and fall of her chest.

"Alright." She said, letting the sash go entirely. 

Johnny raised his head, a little surprised by her agreement. He also couldn’t believe the pang of disappointment that racked through him at the loss of the touch.

"Take your shirt off." She pointed her chin to his chest.

Experience told Johnny that there was a catch, but it also told him to do what he was told. He took off his buttons rapidly, afraid she'd change her mind.

“You’re very eager.”

“I’ve had a long night.”

She got off the bed, bending over to pull her panties off. Johnny licked his lips before he could truly understand and control the urge. She caught the sight, lips cocking in an arrogant smirk. Both of them turned to catch his dick twitch.

She stood up once the garment was off, walking back towards him while Johnny curbed the urge to demand she take her dress off too.

Slowly, she got on the bed. Resting either knee over his waist, Johnny put his arms behind his head to watch her straddle him. Feeling cocky himself, he let a smirk light his lips. When she caught it, her own smirk looked to pity him.

“You’re also very presumptuous.” She started moving forwards. His tip brushed against her clit as she moved, both of their breaths seizing in tandem.

To his surprise, she got a hold of herself before he did, lifting herself higher to avoid a repeat.

Having already lost the upper hand in the situation, Johnny parted his lips. “Do it again.” He asked shamelessly.

She ignored the words, not even refusing or reminding him of his current station. When she sat down, it was on his abdomen. For a moment, his senses blurred. 

Johnny could feel the smooth glide of her wet slit, practically slipping.

“Fuck Kitten, You’re so wet.” He hissed, stomach clenching tight along with his fist as he resisted the desire to grab her waist.

“I’ve always wanted to do this.” She breathed out, the shake in her voice betraying the intensity of the sentiment.

“Just listen to your sopping pussy squelch for me.” He groaned, head falling back as he heard the sound of her pressing against him. “You just love using me, don’t you?”

��How can you tell? Are you used to being used?” She questioned.

Johnny thought it was a joke, lifting his head with humour in his eyes. But upon meeting her gaze, he saw it bore into him, looking displeased.

Right.

He forgot they were strangers.

“I know the type.” He answered after several moments.

“Oh? A lot of experience in the area?”

“Mmhm.” He hummed.

Both her hands pressed against his chest, “Eager and presumptuous men should be used once in a while. Keeps you grounded, don’t you agree?” Her hips slid forward, head falling over almost immediately.

She bit back a moan. Johnny smiled.

“I’m not sure I do.”

“No?” Her next glide came as Johnny flexed his stomach, pulling a hiss from her. “You need a change in perspective.”

“Is that what you’re here to do? Enlighten me?” He raised a brow.

She nodded, eyes fluttering closed. With each glide of her hips, it got harder for her to hold still. Soon, her legs were tightening around his waist. They still shook, despite the tight grip.

“Your legs will be sore tomorrow.” Johnny warned.

"You should be more concerned about yourself right now."

"I think I'm doing good." He sighed, lips lifting in a relaxed smile.

"That's unfortunate. We can't have that." Her breath stuttered as Johnny flexed his stomach in retaliation.

Johnny scoffed, "You just love to make it harder for yourself, don't you? Just wait till later."

"Later?" She hummed, hips coming to a halt. "Do you think you'll see me again?"

Johnny chewed on the inside of his cheek. That was not funny to him at all. It leeched what little enjoyment he had and he had to close his eyes to take in a furious breath as she began humping into him again.

(Y/N) couldn't tell why he had gone quiet all of a sudden. She wasn't supposed to care, she wasn't going to. He was doing what she had intended to do. She told herself that his silence was also a tactic. That is why she felt bothered. Her hands pressed against his chest with more urgency, the movement of her hips getting faster.

"Enjoying yourself?" He asked after so long that she gasped at the sudden sound. She nodded, her pace increasing as she felt the knot in her stomach tie itself tighter.

She looked up at his eyes, this close the building pleasure in her core muffled her brain further. (Y/N) leaned in, eyes fixed on his lips. Everything aside, she always missed kissing him the most.

She didn't expect his hand to move at all, nonetheless to grab her chin. He squeezed her cheeks harshly, lifting her face to meet his gaze as he sat up.

"I don't kiss strangers." He reminded her, making her crumble inside. "Understood?" He raised an irate brow. She nodded and he let go as fast as he had grabbed her, bringing his hands back to his sides and relaxing again.

Her pace slowed down a little despite herself. She felt rattled by the words.

Right.

She forgot that he could be cruel too when he wanted to be. At least in these cases, they were true equals.

After losing her rhythm, the tightness in her belly slipped away. No matter how fast she moved her hips, what angle or pattern she tried, she felt frustratingly far away from the build up that never came.

"You don't seem to be doing too good. Need help?" His words were a taunt. She thought it best to ignore it, moving down to sit atop his length. Johnny's head fell back as a sigh left her.

"I think I can manage." She muttered, too distracted by her own frustrations.

"I don't think you can." He spoke through a tight jaw, "Ever used a man before, honey? I don't think you know how to do this." He continued to provoke her.

"And you do?" She asked, sliding over his length. Both of them gasped when his tip nudged her clit, leaving his length wet from her leaking insides. "You look too busy being pussy drunk."

"I'm nothing if not a multi-tasker." He groaned, hips bucking once before he pressed it back down with the sheer force of his will.

She smiled, "That's a lot of promises."

"Give me a chance and I'll show you."

She thought about the first time he was at her mercy like that, the time feeling like it was years ago instead of just one. His every overconfident claim drove her mad, even more so when he lived up to each claim and more.

She thought about her first night here, not even strangers back then. She thought about the first time she had met him. About how she knew him as the man who had built himself a monolith. 

In truth, Johnny had never been a stranger to her. She walked into her interview the same way she had walked into the room much like this one a year ago.

Absolutely enamoured by him.

She stopped moving entirely, "Fine."

Johnny lifted his head to look at her, "What?"

She thought about the little things that could have been different the first time around. Whether they would have produced a different outcome.

"Show me." She lifted her arms, surrendering to him.

His hands came to her back in a flash, lifting her and dropping her down in a heartbeat. Her head fell on the very edge of the bed, knocking the air out of her.

"Are you sure?" He asked, eyes boring into hers.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, "Have you known me to offer anything if I wasn't?"

He raised a brow, forehead gathering. "I thought we didn't know each other."

"Your turn." She told him.

The words made him chew on his bottom lip, his free arm tracing up and down her leg and driving her wild.

"Alright. Sit up." He nodded, pulling back.

Confused, she regardless did what he asked. As she sat up, his hands came to her waist, keeping her on his lap.

Her nose knocked into his, the proximity to his stormy eyes making her dizzy.

"First thing," He whispered, hand coming to her hair. "We don't need these." He unclasped the pin that held the chain in her hair, taking the one on his wrist off right after. 

She gave him a confused look but didn't question it.

"We play my parts now." His breath hitched, "There are no winners. I don't want to fight, I don't want to win. I don't want to be strangers." She heard the small clink of the two chains being placed on the table, his eyes coming back to hers right after, "I want to make love to you." He kissed her eyelid.

Her chest crumbled at the words, caving in and grinding itself into pieces. Helplessly, she nodded.

He shifted, gently placing her head on the pillows.

"Wrap your legs around my waist." He whispered, words as delicate as his actions. She did what she was told.

"Why are you doing this?" She couldn't help but ask, needing an answer.

"You said you wanted to be furthest from who we are. We're already strangers, (Y/N). Despite everything, I still don't know you."

"You could just ask." She whispered, brushing her knuckles over his chin. "I'd tell you anything you want. All you have to do is ask."

Johnny's eyes steeled over at the words and she bit down on her lips hard, cursing herself for letting her sentiments get ahead of her.

"You were truly born to drive me crazy." He groaned, leaning down to kiss her jaw. She froze, expecting him to kiss her. But his lips moved lower instead, hands coming up to the ends of her bunched dress.

"Taking this off." He mumbled against her skin. She nodded.

He pulled back to do the task, watching her with intoxicating intensity as she lifted her hips off the bed.

"So beautiful." He sighed, "I don't understand how you're mine." He breathed out, making the growing cavity in her chest swarm with butterflies. The lines between pretence and reality blurred long before they even existed.

"The same way you're mine." She dared to say, the thought itself as devastating as it was euphoric.

Johnny groaned with approval, hands slipped between them to pull her panties off, "Should I ease you into it?" He asked, finger brushing over her entrance.

Despite seeing white spots in her vision at the touch, she shook her head. "No, I'm good."

His head lifted, eyes coating with tenderness, something she didn't realise she had been yearning for, "Still, it's been a while."

She tugged at the edge of his shirt, bringing him closer, "Your dick is inside me more than it's outside it." She wiggled under him, her impatience already fighting with her need to cherish this moment, "I promise you, I can take it." She huffed.

"What a filthy mouth," He curled his smiling lips, leaning forward till their foreheads touched. She held her breath, again expecting him to kiss her, but he just brushed his lips over the corner of her mouth. "Did you miss my cock?"

"Johnny," She whined, "Please. I need you."

"Answer me, (Y/N)." He asked and she nodded.

Her eyes screwed shut, "I–Fuck." Her words jumbled, when she felt him nudge against her writhing hole.

"Did you?" He asked with a wispy voice, stuttering.

More than anything else, she missed him. All of him. The confession at the very tip of her lips, threatening to flow.

They were playing a part she reminded herself. For a few moments, she was safe behind it.

She forced her eyes open, "It was you I missed. God I miss you so much I might just go mad."

Johnny forsake his control, slowly beginning to ease himself into her. Every muscle in her body went stuff, endless mutters leaving her lips.

"Really?” He asked through his teeth.

"Every goddamn day." She responded with the same gritted jaw.

He hummed, sounding infuriatingly unconvinced. "Why didn't you come to me then?" He stopped after only a few inches, pulling back out again.

"You told me you wanted a break. From me. What was I supposed to do? You weren't even here. You did everything you can to avoid me."

"You did it to me too." He muttered. To her surprise he pouted, the gesture giving her whiplash as he entered her again a little further this time. "You're so wet, baby. So tight." He groaned, eyes shutting for a moment like he was taking it in.

Baby. It was something he had never called her before. Her insides clenched around him in the same way her heart squeezed around those words— holding the moment as tight as she could. He'd used an array of words to refer to her, to call her, to praise her and degrade her. Yet nothing ever felt like this one. As unassuming as it was. Maybe she was actually mad.

"I can't come and just demand your attention. I'm not like you, I just can't do it." She huffed, frustrated and relieved at the same time.

"You're always demanding my attention."

"That's untrue."

"Is it?"

It wasn't. She did always make an effort to be at the forefront of her mind. Of course like many other things, she'd assumed she was good at keeping it covert. In actuality, like most other things, he was just letting her get away with it.

But this was different. This wasn't about teasing him or toying with his need for excitement. This was him wanting a change. She knew that because he told her as much. It hurt her beyond consolation and she couldn't be in front of him with that. 

It had been a year and she had probably become stale to him.

"Why are you fighting with me?" She said instead of acknowledging those things, "I thought you wanted to be in love?"

"This is how love feels like," He looked over her face. "So I'm told." He marched the words with the slow retreat of his length.

On this, she could agree with him. Of all the things people had to say about love, no one warned her how gut wrenching it could also be. She'd hate it if the good parts hadn't made up for it and more.

Her overwhelmed mind made the next question spill, "What does it feel like to you?" She asked him, not sure what she was expecting.

"Like this." He sighed, beginning to push so slightly back inside her. "Like being inside you."

The words made her clench around him yet again. She wanted nothing more than for him to mean those words. Moments like this made her wonder just how she had managed to mask her real feelings for so long. Especially now, when every inch of her seemed to be bursting with it.

"Kiss me, Johnny." Her eyes fluttered open, swallowing whatever remained of her pride to ask for what he already denied her. “Show me just how much you love me."

Johnny’s eyes softened like they melted— glistening despite being in the shadow.

Then his lips pressed against hers and she felt like her entire being lit up with the brunt of her relief. Her hands came to his neck, his to her hips, holding each other like it was the only thing they knew.

She sighed into his mouth without meaning to, the faintest moisture collecting in the corner of her eyes. She had truly missed kissing him. He had ruined the act of it. He had given her the privilege of kissing her, and now she considered it a privilege outright.

It would also be the thing she would miss the most. That and his smile, the sound of his voice when he laughed, the way he said her name. (Y/N) wondered if she'd ever truly be able to kiss another person again.

Johnny's lips moulded over hers like they were completing a puzzle. His hand stroked her thigh gently as her head tilted up to deepen the kiss. He kissed her slow and he kissed her fast, taking his time to navigate each familiar crevice. His sigh was touching, one of relief and comfort. She could get lost in that alone, locking the sound away in her memories.

She'd miss him so much when he was gone that she missed him already. Her arms pressed him closer to her, with more urgency. When he trailed his kisses down her neck, she used the opportunity to wipe her eyes against her shirt, still hanging on his shoulder.

Now Johnny entered her completely, and it took her breath away. Her arm squeezed his neck, his shoulder muffling her moan.

"Good?" He questioned, more as a gauge of her state than to fish for compliments.

"The best." She couldn't help herself if she tried. When he probed the thicker part of her walls she moaned his name so loud that she was sure it could be heard all the way to the basement.

"Yes right there." She added once the stars in her vision dulled.

"Yes, I know." He chuckled, peppering kisses all over her neck and cheek. "I know." He reassured.

"Don't stop." She whined, the pleasure mixing with the flurry of emotions to drive her mad. "Johnny, please."

"I won't." The words accompanied a tender hush. "I've got you." He promised.

"Johnny, I'm so—" He cut her off by grabbing her chin, lifting himself higher and making her look into his eyes.

"I love you. You." He tripped over his words. "I love you so much. More than life itself." He groaned, brows furrowing. "Fuck, you were just made for me and I spend all my time thinking about just that." His thrusts started to get sloppy, only spurred on by her tight grip around him. "That and just how much I fucking love you."

Her lips parted on their own accord, "Johnny, I–" But the words were cut off by a moan as he came with a sudden shiver. The feeling of his come shooting inside her sending her into her own orgasm as he kept up his ridiculous pace.

(Y/N) had never felt hollow the way she felt when he pulled out of her after what felt like hours of just laying there. She couldn't even feel the relief of his weight lifting off her chest. 

He was staring at her from the side, she could feel his eyes looking her over, analysing each movement on her face. When he took in a breath— to say something, she got out of bed. Once again fear grabbed at her, mind filling with every possible explanation he would have to dismiss everything that had just happened.

"I should get cleaned up." She mumbled to the floor, not even bothering to gather any of her clothes. She just went into the bathroom and stayed in the tub. Long enough to be sure he was asleep. 

Or gone.

_

(Y/N) woke up to the feel of Johnny’s hand sliding up her legs, resting on her hip. She smiled, pulling her head back to look at him through her slitted gaze.

“Morning.” Johnny’s voice, as deep as it was on most mornings, was too cautious. Her brows knit, confused for a moment. Then the previous night came back to her, reminding her that this wasn’t most mornings.

She hummed in response, “Where did you get pajamas?” She asked, eyeing the dark green t-shirt and pants that she was certain weren’t from his closet.

“The bottom drawers in the dresser always have a pair or two.” He informed her, the first she heard of this.

“Why didn’t I get one?” Her brows gathered. Johnny just gave her a cheeky grin.

“We haven’t spent a night here before, have we?” He questioned her.

“I haven’t.” She mumbled, shifting to bury her face further in his neck then she found it when she woke. But the reminder had ruined the harmless mood.

Pulling away felt too awkward to pull off so she just tried to shift again. Johnny must have read her mind because his arm came back to her leg, pulling it up on his own and leaving a chaste kiss on her forehead. A sigh left her lips, finding comfort in the familiar situation despite the circumstances. The air in the room was, nonetheless, tense. She told herself she'd take away these moments as relics.

None of them spoke to fill the silence. In truth, there was nothing to say. Only when it got too hot did she pull back from him. 

Silently, (Y/N) slipped out of bed, looking around to spot her clothes. A knock on the door made her rise, grabbing one of the robes that always hung from the bathroom door.

She opened it to find Charlie, one of the servers, standing with her things in his hand.

“Mr. Nakamoto sent your things.” He reached his hands out with her bag, “I took the liberty of bringing Mr. Suh’s things as well.” He handed her the paper bag as well.

“Thank you, Charlie.” She smiled, “I heard that you’re getting married?” She beamed and the man blushed in response, giving her a shy nod.

The overnight bag she had packed for Yuta’s house was heavy and made it difficult to open it with both hands full. She reached into the packet in which Charlie handed over Johnny’s belongings, taking his wallet out to pick out a note to hand to the man for his efforts.

“Next time you’re manning the bar, I want to know how you met your partner.” She smiled at him and he thanked her for the tip. Once she closed the door, she could put the bags down. Sighing from the release of the burden, she opened her bag to fish her own wallet out, replacing the money she took from Johnny.

“You didn’t have to do that.” His voice came from behind. She turned, finding him leaning against the wall and watching her carefully, arms crossed in front of his chest. She just shrugged in return, coming up to hand him his things before walking into the bathroom.

When she emerged, she was dressed for the day. Johnny was laying in bed with his feet on the floor, looking up from his phone when she walked into his line of vision.

“Where are you going?” He asked, brows furrowed like he was somehow expecting her to stay.

“Yuta and I are supposed to have brunch today. Hyuck too.” She spoke while clasping her watch.

“The breakfast here is pretty good. You can just eat downstairs.” Johnny sat up, phone dropping on his chest and then on the bed.

She looked up at him, lost. Breakfast was another thing she did not know the club provided.

Johnny seemed to catch on, eyes lighting up with amusement. "Really, it's like a hotel if you can ignore the large bowls of condoms everywhere."

She laughed under her breath, “Ten’s more entrepreneurial than you are.”

“I’ll have you know that it was my idea.” He said defensively, smiling nonetheless.

“Oh.” She chuckled, “My apologies. The condoms or the breakfast?" Picking up her shoes, (Y/N) sat down at the edge of the bed.

"The breakfast. The condoms are more of a legal failsafe. Your department more than mine."

Both of them laughed.

The next several moments were silent till she finished putting on her shoes, his hand coming to her waist as she started getting up.

He snaked the arm around her to halt her efforts, “Stay.” It was a single word packed with a heavy request. She could feel his eyes on her in the mirror in front of them, keeping her own gaze fixed on the floor.

“I can’t.” It was an equally simple response, laced with a heavy implication. She looked up at the mirror, meeting his gaze. “We have reservations.” It was a flimsy excuse that seemed to get a rise out of him. 

His soft eyes hardened, “You came prepared to stay the night, it seems.” His eyes drifted to her large bag.

It was a petty thing to say and for a moment she wondered if she should lie, give him the shot of provocation that he was seeking when he said the words. But the antagonism that filled the previous night had weighed down on her. She was tired.

"My original plan was to go for dinner and crash at Yuta's. It was Hyuck who insisted on coming here.” 

Johnny hummed, the sound heavy with the words he held back, unconvinced. It made her turn to him, “I have no reason to lie to you.” The words were the simple truth and she could tell that it did the very thing she was trying to avoid.

Her eyes wandered over his face, taking in the way he was trying to hide his outrage. She wondered if it was his ego or if she wanted to delude herself into thinking he actually cared. “All this time and I still don’t understand you.” She bit the corner of her mouth, regretting the words for the argument it would spur.

“It’s not like you ever ask.” He slid closer, nose knocking against hers. His eyes looked up from her lips expectantly. 

She wondered if he wanted a question or a kiss.

Her phone rang while she debated and she told herself it was divine intervention. Except it was just her best friend.

“Ask Johnny if he wants to go for brunch with us.” Yuta skipped the greetings to land the poignant jab. Of course he already knew who she was with. There was never going to be anybody else.

“No.” She got up from the bed, gathering her things. 

Despite every ounce of sense telling her otherwise, she turned to look at him, meeting his gaze to give him a silent farewell. There was the brimming fear of this being the last time, afterall.

The thought made her still. She had to shake her head and look away.

“Meet me downstairs. Did you find Hyuck?” She asked, walking out of the room.

__

Another week passed and (Y/N) had begun the process of mourning. Taking the last two days of the work week off, she had holed herself up in the safety of her apartment for three days now. The time had been spent consuming enough sugar to remind herself that she never had a sweet tooth, before shifting to the store of sour candy that was seemingly endless. Putting the first one in her mouth made her eyes well. 

Finally, she started looking for a different job, her constantly blurring eyes making the task take much longer than intended. 

That Saturday night, she fell asleep trying to imagine how she would hand in her resignation to him. What could she even say? How would she avoid explaining to him that she couldn’t be around him. 

She simply was not as aloof as she wanted both of them to believe.

The building phone never rang. The day doorman never had to see people come to her apartment unless they were with her or he knew them as her regular guests. The one on the night shift was new. 

Her first thought was the most obvious one. It was Johnny, it had to be. But she reminded herself that she had other people in her life. It could be Yuta with some ridiculous situation that only he could have. It could be Doyoung since she had let it slip that her non-relationship with her boss was beginning to sizzle off.

“Hello?” She finally answered the phone.

“I’m sorry Miss, there’s a man here that refuses to give his name. He says you know who it is. I told him that you don’t take visitors this late.”

She huffed. That reduced her guesses to two of the three. Nonetheless, she was grateful for the man’s caution.

“I’ll be down in a moment.” She sighed.

The elevator dinged and she clenched her hands inside the pocket of her hoodie. The one that was not hers. Despite her reasonings, she of course knew who was the moment the phone rang.

Johnny stood in the lobby with his hands on his hips, a frown set deeply on his face. His hair glistened under the lights and her eyes drifted to the doors behind him. 

It was raining.

“Your new place is definitely high on safety.” He remarked, lips still downturned. "Your doorman thinks I'm a thief who'd walk through the front door." He pointed behind him, a small grunt leaving his frustrated lips.

She loved him, she realised for the millionth time. This time with a sudden jolt. Despite every rational thought begging her to do otherwise. She loved him so dearly and so hopelessly that she didn't know what to do with it at all.

Johnny looked restless, his feet tapping against the floor. She could understand and she could forgive it. That was how much she loved him.

She loved him. A sigh of relief left her, like the crashing of waves on a rocky shore after it finally met land. It was useless to pretend otherwise. She loved him and she'd let him in anytime he showed up.

He was in a suit, the rain ruining the fabric permanently. She wondered why he was in one on a Saturday at midnight.

His hands dropped to his side, “You haven’t been coming to work.” He said as the gap between them began to close with each stride. “I was preparing for the quarterly distributor meeting and Kun’s notes made no sense. He’s on a work trip too. I had to call the entire legal team into work today because all of the copyright issues seem to be funnelled through you.” 

She stopped a few metres short of being in his personal space. “I’m entitled to my leaves.”

“Then you should brief the team properly so work doesn’t stop when you aren’t around.”

He was right, she gave him a nod to affirm it as well.

“Did you get what you needed?” She asked, flexing her fists in the safety of the deep pockets of the hoodie.

“Yes. The intern, Hendery, had a decent idea. I hired him tonight.”

“Good. He’s good enough to replace me with enough training.”

Johnny’s frown went from expressing discontent to a confused one. She'd put the hint in his mind now. 

“HR said you’re sick.” Johnny mumbled after a moment of silence, shuffling.

“It’s a cold. I just needed the time off to feel better.” 

Johnny nodded, hands coming back to his hips. He kept nodding, deep in thought.

“Is that the reason you came all the way here? I was sleeping.” She finally huffed, feeling the brunt of her own indignation suddenly.

His brows knit, arm coming up so he could glance at his watch.

“Oh.” His face smoothened in one go, “I didn’t realise it was this late. I was just driving around to clear my head.” He slowly put his hand down, biting down on his bottom lip.

She finally took her own hands out of her pockets, only to cross her arms in front of her chest. She knew why he was here, but she wanted him to admit it. She needed him to confirm so she could act like she wasn't giving in without a fight. Her dignity was the one thing she wanted to walk away with.

“I’m sorry!” He finally huffed, following with a groan that came from somewhere deep inside him. She blinked, incredibly surprised. “Is that what you want me to say?” He huffed again.

The last part ticked her off, “I don’t want you to say anything. What are you sorry for? Is it for waking me up because that is fair, but it’s not the first time you’ve done it.” The words were deliberately cautious.

Johnny groaned, running a hand over his face. “You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be.”

“What are you sorry for?” She asked, raising her chin and burying her brimming hope.

He gave her a look of furious disbelief.

“For once,” He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose like he was second guessing himself.

“What?” She asked with more anger bubbling in her words, taking two steps closer. He took notice, his own two steps closing their gap. Now they were in each other’s personal space.

“For once, can’t you give in to me?” There was a desperation that made the edge of his words blunt.

She stared at him with disbelief. "From the moment I met you I've only ever given into you."

"I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about work, or bed. I mean your pride. Put it aside for once. Tell me you want me. Give in to me." He took just another step closer.

Remembering the place, she turned to the doorman, “You can let him in next time.” She raised her voice enough to be heard by the man. 

Her gaze softened when it came back to Johnny and she prayed to god that he couldn’t see the glisten in them. Finding a real touch too scathing to execute, she settled for hooking her finger through one of his belt loops.

"You wouldn't be here if you believed I don't."

"I'm here because I'm giving up. I'm done. I don't want a change, I want you."

The confession washed her in a flood of relief. She would love him as long as he'd let her.

"And I came down here because I'm giving in. I don't want a break. Either leave me once and for all or never say that to me again."

Johnny chewed on his bottom lip, taking in the tempest in her eyes.

“Take me upstairs.” He asked like that wasn’t exactly where she was taking him. Like it wasn’t the inevitable outcome he had in mind when he walked into the lobby. For all his claims, he knew how quick she gave into him. “You can sleep, you look so tired. I don't want anything, I just want to be here.”

“You will sleep too.” She announced, turning away to pull him towards the elevator.

Once on the elevator, a thought made her freeze, “The place is a mess.” She warned him, remembering the cave she had turned the place into in the past week. 

He gave her a cautious look, “(Y/N). Baby.” He laughed, her gut kicking up an assault at his tender tone. “Your place is always a mess.”

 She frowned, taking her hand out of his to smack his chest. 

“Hey!” She huffed.

Johnny groaned, a grin tugging at his lips after.

#johnny #nct johnny #johnny x reader #johnny scenarios #johnny smut #johnny drabbles #nct scenarios #nct smut #nct drabbles #johnny suh #nct au #ceo au #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #wayv #miscellenous #chance encounter #angst

[chaifootsteps]

Hello! Just wanted to say I stumbled across your Stolas project, specifically your take of Look My Way. I don't watch Vivzie's work for a variety of reasons, namely for the people she's hurt as well as feeling personally hurt by the way she treats SA as an SA victim. This is to say I have literally never heard the song before -

...And you make it sound gorgeous. I'm terrified to listen to the original, because that octave just sounds so right for the song. Your Stolas project just makes him sound right in general. You really helped sell it as the beautiful song and the beautiful sequence it was supposed to be. I was stunned. Well done!

It also made me think - in a vacuum, Look My Way is a shockingly romantic song? It portrays Stolas and Blitzo as this sort of forbidden gay yearning, more like an operatic romantic tragedy than the inconsistent, initially 'haha sexual abuse funny and also it's okay because stolas is good-hearted right? Also fuck women!' mess it actually is. If I wasn't aware of what their dynamic actually is, I would be wowed by the romanticism and nuance of it all. You really made me think!

So as thanks for your beautiful song remix and the thoughts on what could've been, here's one for you - listen to Spare Hearts by Exit Mouse. Good song all around, but how do you think it sounds for a 'If Blitzo and Stolas were written properly, with a relationship that's actually like how Look My Way makes them appear'?

Oh my lord, Anon, you have no idea how this makes my day! The Stolas Project is one of those little things that exists mostly for myself and even people who are critical of HH/HB tend not to get it, so anytime anyone likes it, I'm over the moon.

(I do think Stolas lost a lot of what made him an appealing character when he lost that deep, rich, velvet voice, and not just because I prefer it. I think he needed to be an older character, but failing that, to at least hold on to that power, that regal authority.)

Thank you again, and I gave Spare Hearts a listen. Definitely going on my playlist of songs that make me think of Instagram!Stolas/Blitz, a ship I miss constantly.

#Anonymous #The Stolas Project #Look my Way #actual blog post #viv stuff

[asherlockstudy]

Ask answers and thoughts on the latest EB "Why do people think we're gay"

It has been a pretty busy week and I could not get into it and to people's asks earlier. Anyway, I will come clean and say that before watching, I thought people were overreacting. As I started watching I started thinking that I could see why people overreacted and by the middle of it, I genuinely thought this episode must have been some kind of a joke.

BUT. I don't want to see it that way. I would hate to be the type of person who shuts her ears and whistles. I don't want to be considered as someone who WANTS them to be together no matter what rather than the person that landed on this conclusion based on simple observation. I don't want to be perceived as someone who projects through them (simply because I am not).

It feels bad for me to hold a stance like "that's all very well but I don't believe you" because this would make me feel like an obnoxious, obtuse person and at the same time like I attempt to invalidate their feelings and identities. I actively dislike this. At the same time, I feel that if I accept everything stated in this episode without a moment's hesitation, I then invalidate my brain. And that is even bigger of a problem for me personally. You might think "well asherlockstudy maybe your brain doesn't work all that well after all" and...fair enough, I guess. Perhaps I am perceiving things wrongly! But apparently many people do, right? Since when they were in high school and even earlier, like they said, right? Up to this very day, right?

The episode seemed candid, Link looked candid, which is what confused me more than anything else. But let's start with the asks I received and see where that leads us.

Long post is LONG and also people who don't want to read second thoughts on Rhett and Link's very clear statements perhaps wouldn't be interested in this, so I have the rest under the cut. If you have sent me an ask about their "Why people think we're gay" podcast episode, it is here below:

Anon #1 said:

That seemed like one of the very few consistent with their typical behaviour things they said in this episode. But I will argue that this is something that can be said by lifelong best friends. Besides, there are also people that value friendship higher than romance and I am not saying it is certainly their case but it might be. Link, for one, does not like the Rolling Stones very much, except for one song of theirs, "Waiting On A Friend".

Watching girls go passing by It ain't the latest thing I'm just standing in a doorway I'm just trying to make some sense Out of these girls passing by The tales they tell of men I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on friend A smile relieves a heart that grieves Remember what I said I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on a friend Don't need a whore, I don't need no booze Don't need a virgin priest But I need someone I can cry to I need someone to protect Making love and breaking hearts It is a game for youth But I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on a friend

Let me tell you, as a 17 years long Stones fan myself, to only like this song a lot is a choice. This song, you like it for its lyrics, not its music. So for Link to like that song, it is a very conscious choice.

Link to me is one of these people that values the friendly companionship more than anything. But I see this through his dynamic with Rhett, not through how he talks about his other friends. At times however he has also spoken about how relationship-oriented he is, he wouldn't like to be single one bit. He at times has seemed unable to understand how people can be single by choice, for example. Then as a teen, he had written in Rhett's yearbook "yeah finally it's summer we won't have to deal with all these girls anymore".... Whether he calls it friendship or romance, Link yearns for camaraderie and commitment. However, had it not been for this EB's Link, I would be pretty doubtful Link can genuinely experience this in such a depth with a woman.

They did not talk about touching and hugging. They did not talk about many things. All the studies they found were one-sided, presenting male friendships as repressed and shallow and women's friendships as deep and mature. I guess they didn't find any of these studies about male friendships being quieter but much more enduring and women's friendship being vulnerable to competition, gossip or romances (they brushed through something like that 1 minute before the end). Of course all these are generalizations and thus inherently questionable but my point is that they seemed to pick carefully those studies that could back whatever message they wanted to push on that day. Which was... that apparently their friendship conforms to the pattern of male friendships being expressionless, repressed, standard, shallow appearing??? That's what I got from them. Because they did not say "people are thinking we are gay because we shit on all the male stereotypes". They said they do many things that are exactly stereotypical and proven in these studies. Their friendship was presented as strong yet stereotypical. So... this brings us to the first question again. Why do people think they are gay? If they don't even speak tenderly to each other? If they don't call or meet unless it's for the work or some hobby?

But there's another question. Weren't they calling each other every morning on the way to work at least? Link was perhaps right about saying "I love you" to Rhett for the first time in GMM (when he mixed his words and then defended himself against the viewers by saying he is not gonna apologize for it) but haven't they relentlessly done it other times too? Hasn't Rhett said "I'd die for you" when Link was hurt by his gorilla joke?

And, lastly, wasn't Link complaining for ages around the years 2018-2019 that Rhett doesn't open up about his feelings and his thoughts to him? But this EB's Link was very much like Rhett. Link can't say the L word. He can't show emotionality. Link. Okay. The only consistent thing is in The Lost Causes of Bleak Creek.

As an unspoken corollary of this vow, Leif had made sure nothing in his behavior gave even the slightest hint of his crush. At times, he’d swung too far in the other direction, harping endlessly on Alicia’s minimal flaws (such as her inability to be punctual), seeming like he actually despised her. But he preferred that to revealing the truth, which would surely alter their trio’s dynamic forever. Besides, the odds seemed good that Alicia didn’t feel the same way, so what was the point of baring his soul for no reason?

Leif, Link's alter ego in the book, does not want to show emotionality at all but it is a case of romance. Of course, with a girl. But a girl who was his best friend, come crush.

They also didn't speak about that weird agreement they had for a while 4-5 years ago to stop seeing each other outside work. Yes, this is true. They had an agreement to dedicate more time to their families and less to themselves. They explicitly said in an old EB that once they returned to NC for Christmas, if they accidentally met up in some supermarket corridor, not only they shouldn't talk to each other, they should also avoid eye contact! I think it was in the same EB, when they said that in an effort to regulate their "friendship" nothing they did should get out of the norm at all. And the example they offered - not so wisely - was: "Oh you're helping me with my seatbelt? Alarms go off. You don't usually help me put my seat belt". And again this is not 20 year old paranoid Rhett and Link. We are talking 4-5 years ago. And it was a new arrangement between them, for some reason. Mysteriously enough, about a year later they said job was draining their friendship and actively tried to find more time for them as friends.

There, you see. Unfortunately this time they did not explain how all this conforms to a typical close laconic male friendship. However they like to call what they have, it is not typical.

Anon #2 said:

He said it was negative in the past. They were taught to hate being gay or other gay people growing up and this must have been very hard to get rid of as adults. To be honest, no matter how many rainbows and proud Mythicality t-shirts they wear, I feel they always struggle a bit inside with this. They want to change but childhood teachings get the tightest grip on you. Let alone they were apparently getting the gay "accusation" since they were very young and because of this they must have lived in fear and uncertainty.

Let's consider this: non-confrontational Rhett was more mad at the guy who was making jokes that Link and he are gay than he was about a friend of his and his girlfriend cheating on him. Wow. The TONS we could unpack in this.

The stuff we could unpack in Rhett saying he went peacefully to that boy spreading the rumour but then somehow the boy ended up in the principal's office all the same.

The stuff we could unpack in them reasoning that it was weird they were considered gay even though they were dating the two sexiest girls in school. (Whispers: the attractiveness doesn't really have anything to do with evidence of your straightness, on the contrary the straightest you are, the more women you are going to be attracted to without being overly nitpicky). Or as if it hasn't been long established that Link just sat there doing nothing while he had girls throwing themselves to him.

The stuff we could unpack in Rhett immediately breaking up with the cheating girlfriend but seeing the friend with whom she cheated on him the next day and being like "heeey man lol haha". a) The misogyny involved, I mean, even Link was like "I am not gonna partake in this", because apparently the girlfriend was a promiscuous woman, the friend was the pal who did what men do, b) he clearly was not in love with the girl, Link confirmed Rhett was hurt but not mad, yes he was hurt because his pride was wounded otherwise he clearly did not care a bit about her besides finding her sexually attractive and clearly he would not sacrifice even a standard random friend for her sake, c) he wanted to act cool, not like a sentimental weak boy who ends friendships for... a girl and whine-cries to another guy. Such a macho man, right? He doesn't even care another bro used his girl! *the disgust I feel right now tho*

And this is not a one time thing, Rhett has said how he was totally obsessed with girls all the time and then the moment he got in a relationship with somebody, the relationship fizzled out quickly. I assume he could not channel his sexual needs due to his spiritual beliefs and therefore he soon lost interest because he did not form an emotional bond with his girlfriends. Equally, the girls had neither the emotional nor their sexual needs met and that's why they would lose interest in him quickly too.

Rhett reasoned that that boy called them gay because he was friendzoned by their girlfriends and was jealous. He did not tell us his perspective on what his friends thought about him doing such a bad thing to their boyfriends! Whose side did the girlfriends take and how much did they care? Or were there concerns the girls were voicing to their friends that gave their friend the opportunity to crack a big joke at Rhett and Link's expense?

No it's not that the society doesn't like male closeness so that it explains it as romantic - it's that the society fears constantly that two males may be romantic so it condemns their closeness in advance. That's what they were saying. Again, the episode was a conundrum because they implied they felt burdened by the constant social presumptions yet at the same time they described their friendship as very common, stereotypically male and not based on expessions of care and appreciation. So... honestly I have no idea. It's like you were listening to 34 year old Rhett and Link talk.

Anon #3 said:

Yes, Anon, I agree with you, except for the theory that they are not aware of their feelings for each other. No, they are no five year olds. And they have been together too long to not have realised what they feel. Let alone that I think they acted on it years ago but again apparently I am wrong in everything XD

But, they do have serious daddy issues. Link had an absent father and Rhett had a never pleased father for whose splinters of appreciation he struggled constantly. Their daddy issues have shaped their personalities a great deal and one would think their sexualities as well, had they not explicitly denied that in the latest EB. So.. I dunno what to say. But given this episode, I don't expect a coming out any time soon, if ever. It's weird, I can't reconcile this podcast with all their latest R&L videos, and all Link's "I want to jump out of the plane", "I want to celebrate who I really am" and tearing up, like, what the heck is all this? This thing had such a different energy. As a result, yes they also sounded emotionally stunted and although I already thought there was room for improvement in this department anyway, this time it was uncharacteristically worse.

It's also how they said that they base their friendship on shared interests and not on connection and Rhett said he asks Link about his life but it's not the priority over a shared hobby or creating for the job. Again, it comes in such a contrast with them knowing every single thing about each other and when they forget some minor detail, the other is about to snatch their head off. Aren't all these things...true? Am I making this stuff up? For real. It seemed to me like they made their friendship a great disservice and it's not even about the romance at this point.

I also loathed that...um... hopefully joke about how Link is gonna deal once Rhett and Christy are gone. Especially about Christy. Saying that once she dies, supposedly in old age, 85 year old Link would jump on dating immediately and would take aiding pills for his dick to work. I know it was a joke but it was so, so cheap. So apparently new Link is so straight and horny, he's gonna be the new Mick Jagger or Al Pacino. And is he gonna be dating other 85 year olds down for sex or is he gonna go play in the younger field? And of course not a single word for grievance for the wife of 65 years! Again, I realise it was a joke and I am taking this too seriously but after all this emotional stuntedness, like you also observed, this was for me the cherry on top and it really put me off big time.

The interesting thing is that in all this unpleasant emotional obtuseness, there were still a few intriguing moments. Most were by Link. The first was how Link emphasised mostly on the fear of losing Rhett rather than Christy and he said that he is making a lot of friends so that, if he loses Rhett, they can keep him "above ground". VERY interesting choice of words and very very strong. Could he ever mean that literally?!

Another classic Link moment we had was when Rhett said that he had finally formed an emotional bond with his wife after all these years of freaking living together and Link could not stop himself from asking "Is this really enough?" First of all, well, Link, it is near enough. If the emotional bond is not the strongest thing to a relationship, what is? Of course physical intimacy is very significant but the need for it varies from person to person. However, I have never heard of a person entering a longterm committed relationship without at least emotional bonding as the absolute prerequisite. So what was this? Maybe Link's typical quickness to belittle Rhett's relationship with his wife, even in this episode in which he was certainly not supposed to. Besides, it was totally out of place since the whole point in this episode was how even men secretly yearn for emotional intimacy. So Link should be happy Rhett found this in his wife, not question it and downplay its importance.

He also scoffed when Rhett referred to Jessie as "my beautiful wife", as is also typical of him.

Lastly, another weird ass moment was when Link explained he initially was sad he is the one to initiate their meetings but he grew to appreciate that Rhett does not initiate but he is always up for his suggestions. Rhett did not object to that. Excuse me, don't we know the exact opposite to be the case? Isn't it always Rhett the one to come up with ideas about what to do, how to connect, where to go out and Link either accepts or dismisses his ideas? And then Rhett works with what Link accepts? Isn't this the very foundation of their dynamic??? It's like I am going crazy??? LMAO

It was honestly a different Rhett and Link. Or I had different ears. I don't know. But you can message me anytime!!!

Anon #4 said:

Well that EB episode was a very good start.

To be clear, it can't easily make me unthink everything I have thought all these years but it can make me change my mind about their future, what they want from it and how their relationship will evolve. Their future dynamics also have to be consistent in order for this EB to be proven to be sincere, because it certainly isn't consistent with their past dynamics on screen for all the reasons I already discussed. Again, I don't want to be that person but I explained this in detail, many statements there come in contrast with older statements. I will however stress again that they did look honest. So, there's that.

It will be interesting to see what their next main channel videos are going to be like. Have they uploaded the risky video yet after all? Was it the 1984? And if yes, what exactly made it the riskiest since they made a whole episode about them having trouble enjoyring their repressed male friendship out of fear of being mistaken as gay, even though even the 1984 video wasn't enough for any serious number of people to consider it had any homosexual undertones? Is it gonna be the next one, the supposed fourth? And if so, how? How and why risky? And if it is risky this way, how will they justify this EB episode then? Subversing expectations like in Game of Thrones? This is reality here. It can't be that. And as we are at it, what was so self-expressing in the Digging A Hole video? Because I thought it fitted very well as an allegory of a secret sexual relationship but apparently that wasn't the case. So how was it a deep project of expression? Only Rhett and Link know. I frankly still think I make more sense in my wild theories than they do in their own podcast. But it is not a very good thing for me to say.

Link had said in the first EB discussing the new videos, that there was an important question they had, waiting to be answered by the reception of one of the videos and once they knew, this would inform their next steps. Is this about the work? Is this about what they create? Or is it about something more personal?

Could it be that they saw something in these videos' reception, like maybe, a stubborn refusal from the fans to view them as allegories, which made them conclude that this is not the way to communicate with the people or that the people consciously or subconsciously do not want to receive that particular message? So they went plan B? Like Anon # 3 suggested, to make the people believe a certain thing for good so they can go on living their truth undisturbed for good?

I don't know. Just one more wild theory in a sea of apparently wild theories.

#rhink #rhett and link #randl #r&l #ear biscuits #eb #mythical #anon #ask

[swashbucklery]

I didn't want to ask something you've already answered before, so I searched your blog but only found one brief mention about why you didn't watch it. Cool :) But i'm just curious, have you seen some of the avatrice gifs from Warrior Nun? Do they seem like a ship that might appeal to you if you had been able to finish the show? I had resisted them for awhile but finally decided to check out some of their scenes and yea, i definitely understand it now

Anon, trust me when I say I have been made fully aware of a) the existence of Warrior Nun, b) the existence of Avatrice, and c) the fact that it is full of Complicated Pseudoreligious Gay Yearning and d) that there are gifs.

I have lots of mutuals that are having a really nice time liking Warrior Nun, and I wish them all the best? It is just super not my thing, for no real reason that I can pinpoint, it's just - blah to me.

(Actually this is not true, I have a hair trigger for fake gore and there is a shot early in the pilot where like a magic thing just fucking shreds through someone's torso in visceral CGI blood spraying everywhere detail and to be honest no lesbians are worth that to me.)

I'm not sure if I'd like them outside of the context of the show, because for me those are the same thing. I don't ever get into ships just through cut scenes, I have to dive into the world those characters are in to connect.

I am still deep in the Willow hole (wocka, wocka) and will be for quite a while, because the writer's strike isn't getting any overer and it ticks literally every one of my narrative boxes as though a five year old mashed all the buttons on the elevator to my heart.

The things that are doing it for me for Willow are:

the total lack of a modern setting, so I don't have to figure out how to reconcile the new media trend of pretending all things are set in a COVID Never Happened AU despite the fact that it is the crushing shadow looming behind all of our realities, the cognitive dissonance gives me hives

(do i want dumb tv shows to tackle COVID absolutely not but it's weird that we're just like yeah in this show it's 2023 and the past 3 years were exactly like 2019 was don't uhhh worry about it)

like it's just so fucking weird IT'S SO FUCKING WEIRD and i know some of this is production cycles but we were watching the last movie in the To All The Boys series and she graduates in 2020 and I could not get it out of my head the choice!!! Like that year and date will not be indelibly linked to A Time and yet I also see how you can't change that story to include COVID and also I know how media timelines work but it is so fucked up WHY

::What A Time To Be Alive by Fall Out Boy plays softly in the background::

anyway

uh

SWORDS

the ability to have both a Canon WLW Ship as well as Several Other Fun Non-Canon WLW Ships

not one but three main characters that i have imprinted upon like the most impressionable of baby geese

complex narratives about growth and hope and fighting adversity and the way that all of those struggles are secretly love

balls to the wall dumb fantasy tropes used without a whiff of self-referential irony

the actors touch objects in the world

room to have 80 million intricate textile headcanons and play with frilly bits of worldbuilding like a 19th century dandy constructing ships in bottles

a fandom that hits the sweet spot of large enough to have steady content and community, yet small enough that i can fully curate ship drama out of my habitat

#anyway if you have wlw series recs that are #in space #in the past #in a fantasy world where there are elves and shit #please do let me know #but that is the secret sauce for me right now #night of the living anons #this is also why i have zero desire to write any kind of modern au for willow #kinkverse excepted #it feels bad scoob #etc

[amongfeathers]

supermodel...

“…and my greatest fear was that if I lost control, or did not have control, things would just, you know, be fatal…”

CANON-DIV QUACKITY BLOG! 🌟 part of ctrlverse -> cl!quackity or ct!quackity. run by pity, he/she, 18.

ctrlverse (stylized as CTRLverse, CTRLverse, or ctrlverse) is a roleplay verse based heavily off DSMP. it focuses on the untold stories of some of the characters as private bloggings about the events they experienced. it is not strict to the DSMP canon, and does not follow that timeline to the letter. anything goes in ctrlverse. almost anything, at least.

this blog is the equivalent of the vice president's private social media. open to manburgian citizens, people he follows, and denizens skilled at hacking.

please send in asks and anons! every interaction is appreciated!

art is by the beloved tham n0phis

mask from here

notes on CT!Quackity, a.k.a (big) Q: CURRENT ARC: Manberg, well into the first year of Schlatt's rule. TAGS: under the cut.

he is AFAB transmasc, and currently only uses he/they pronouns. he has (undiagnosed and untreated) BPD. he is on the autism spectrum. Q also has GAD, which can cause anything from severe self doubt to a full-on shutdown. as Schlatt's vice, Quackity reserves the sole right to effect the decisions of Manberg's self-declared emperor, but more often than not finds himself doing paperwork instead, ad nauseam. married originally for tax benefits and public appearance, he takes relationships very seriously, and sometimes chases after the wrong ones. when he's not being eaten alive by work he participates in small games with the citizens– he's an avid gamer, and gambler, a bit of a cheat at cards. loves any chance for distraction. Q is a phoenix hybrid, who has only died once before. instead of being reborn when he does, he simply respawns– depending on the esempi territory, his lives are reset. he is currently down one from four (three respawns left). he often binds his wings at the same time that he binds his chest, and as such has mostly forgotten how to fly.

some posts will be partially or entirely in spanish. mun speaks spanish, but not fluently. please excuse and/or correct any faults. translations will be provided!

“and if it's an illusion, i don't wanna wake up. i'm gonna hang onto it.”

in character tags are below the cut.

OUT OF CHARACTER TAGS 🌱 gen tag - #ctrlverse srs roleplay - #controlverse nsfw content - #tread carefully

other triggering content - #tw (trigger) nsrs roleplay - #featuring: OOC / non-char posts- #ctrlcamping end of roleplay - #20 something

🌱 IN CHARACTER TAGS #promise to be better - my journaling. nothing really important, I just need a place to get it out. #now watching MADtv - for my actually funny posts. #warm enough inside? - gay.. shit. gay stuff. yearning. 😑 #know i'm alive - reposts! silly, um, images I want you to see. yeah. #where are the askers? - this is for asks, suggestions, and submissions, so the joke doesn't really... go. you get the idea. *please* don't ask me to lower the taxes, I can't.

PLAYER TAGS 🌱 #flock together - ( nihachu ) #big tail bigger man - ( tommy ) #fresh as a daisy - ( aimsey ) #black sheep - ( minx ) #goopin & gunkin? - ( slime ) #composer-in-residence - ( wilbur ) #buzzing in your ears - ( tubbo ) #empty - no blog yet. #empty - no blog yet. #empty - no blog yet. #empty - no blog yet.

#ctrlverse #controlverse #ctrlcamping #tread carefully #featuring: #20 something #promise to be better #now watching MADtv #warm enough inside? #know i'm alive #where are the askers? #flock together #big tail bigger man #fresh as a daisy #black sheep #goopin & gunkin? #composer-in-residence #buzzing in your ears

[fangirlsovertoomanythings]

I had read in one of your answers to Anon that you are a person aromantic (sorry if I'm wrong) That way, how would you read Sherlock acd? As an equally aromantic and asexual character?

Well, my views on this aspect of him are somewhat muddy, I would say. I prefer to focus on his relationship with Watson, and to define it as having the sort of love that you do not know where friendship ends and romance starts. The sort of friends that hold hands, the sort of lovers that challenge each other on stupid things, all of that. But when I'm looking at Holmes himself, it's really muddy; I usually go around saying that he's gay/ace in the books because that's easier. I can only define how I see him depending on the exact adaptation I'm dealing with or the sort of story I want to tell.

For example, I see Radio Holmes as a gay man deep in the closet, who's constantly suffering from some form of gay yearning. At the same time, I see RDJ's Holmes as bisexual. Granada and Books Holmes are both into that muddy area where I can't exactly pin it. Gay/ace is my best bet, I'll say again

When I write it, I need to know what I want to achieve. For Bloodhound, it makes sense for Holmes to be in love with Watson, and so in that fanfiction they are discovering how their relationship works while they work in getting away with murder. For other drafts that I have, such as one centered in his early years as an investigator with a great focus on Wiggins, or one where I'm planning on uniting him with Loveday Brooke in a case, it wouldn't add anything to make him feel the same way as he does in Bloodhound, and so he's aroace.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter much to me and I enjoy having some volatility when working around that aspect of him. I can make him just like me, but I also can make him just like my friends. Homeboy is every sexuality known to men

#ask

[sapphos-darlings]

Discovered I was a lesbian recently and it’s been so freeing yet so terrifying. I want a girlfriend or even just a hookup so bad but I’m so afraid of what my family might do if they ever find out. At the very least they’ll hate me for being a ‘sinful homosexual’ and for daring to choose to be like this. But I didn’t choose it. I tried to be straight for years. I tried. They know I did. They met my past boyfriends. They commented how odd I was around them. They know I tried. I wanted to be straight. But I’m gay and I can’t change that. It’s like I stepped out of a cage and am now up against a firing squad if I ever get caught being me. I hope things get better for future gays, because this sucks.

Hello, Anon!

Wow, that sounds like quite a lot. I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled so much with your sexuality over the years, that you have tried so hard to be something else than the real you, and even more sorry for that it might have been necessary.

But you know who you are! Deep within, you have embraced the truth and realized your own true nature. That is worth celebrating. That is worth being proud of. It sounds like you have your work cut out for you though, and unlearning everything you have internalized is a tough job that in many cases takes the rest of our lives. The struggle against prejudices and the weight of what we have learned never really ends. But we are in it together.

I hope you realize that you realizing who you are is a victory already. Even if no one else knows, even if you can't act on it now, you know - and now we through this blog know too. That is valuable. The fact that you want is in itself worthy and amazing, that you want love and romance and sex. Please know that even if now is not the time to pursue any of that, your feelings matter and you vocalizing these desires is possible because you have started to embrace your true self. Don't force yourself to settle or go for sex you don't fully want, that's not going to end well and that's not going to satisfy your yearning. Instead, let yourself simply feel and want. Let yourself be sad too, whenever you need to be. Feeling these feelings now come in so strongly because you have just so recently accepted them. Listening to them and learning to handle them is an important step on your journey.

I'm sorry to hear about your family's attitudes. But know that so many others in our community have struggled too, and you are not alone. There are plenty of resources and advice going around, and our support is with you regardless.

Sometimes people learn and change. It is possible. It is also possible for you to build your own life, away from your family if that's what it takes. Granted, I don't know where in the world you live and just how hard this would be for you, so for now, I'd advice you to protect your online privacy and reach out to your local LGBT groups, or just LGBT organisations in your country, and focusing on making plans for the future.

The fight for our rights goes on. You are not alone. Even if the present is hard, you have a future.

-Lavender

#reply

[gaelic-symphony]

🔥 - your opinion on Jemily (and gay/bi JJ in general)

Hi, nonnie, thanks for stopping by!

My opinion on Jemily may ruffle some feathers, but I only like them/ship them under very specific circumstances. I like the pairing and think they have great chemistry and a wonderful bond, but I don't like them as an actual couple. I actively dislike married Jemily and soft, domestic Jemily and Jemily as moms and all those other OTP situations that wlw shippers in this fandom like to put them in. Jemily must be angsty, messy, and at least a little bit one-sided and/or uneven and/or painful for Emily (and possibly also JJ), or it must be all smut no plot. Otherwise, I want nothing to do with it. I see Jemily as this really beautiful years-long saga of complicated sapphic yearning and wondering what could have been. (If you want to read 6000 words about it, read this fic lol.) I do think they've slept together at least once and blurred the lines between "just friends" and "more than friends" multiple times over the years. They care about each other, they're attracted to each other, and at times, they've both wanted something more than what they had. Maybe they could have been great together if things had been different, but there's always been something standing in their way, keeping them from getting it together and being anything more. My girl Emily Prentiss deserves her great love and her happily ever after, but she's not going to find it with JJ. For that, I 100% believe in Temily. (If you want to know why, send me another ask--or read Caution to the Wind lmao!) I can also see it working with Penemily, but I really prefer Temily because I'm the biggest Tara Lewis simp you will ever meet in your life and also a pretty big Garvez shipper.

As for my opinion on JJ, I'll let you in on a little secret, nonnie: She's really not my favorite. In seasons 1-5, when she's the unit liaison, I love her and appreciate her and think she brings a lot to the team and to the show, but I'm not emotionally attached to her the way I am with Emily or Tara, and seasons 7-15 profiler JJ just kinda rubs me the wrong way. Like I don't hate her, but I don't particularly like her either. That said, I know she's something of a comfort character for a lot of people, and I can see how at various points over the course of the show, she kind of gives off a bit of a queer vibe, maybe, so I think if you like JJ and want to interpret her as gay or bi, that's totally valid! It's maybe a little weird to me that you'd zero in on JJ for your queer headcanons when Emily is right there. Tara is right there. Alex is right there. Penelope is right there. Spencer is right there. Luke is right there. Still, I am generally completely in support of queer people seeing one of their favorite characters do something that gives off a queer vibe and deciding to interpret them as queer because it makes them happy and helps them better engage with and relate to the media they consume (although I do have some legitimate beef with bi Emily truthers--send me another ask if you'd like to know why!). Personally, I see JJ as being not entirely straight, but predominantly into men, and a little too repressed and closeted to fully figure out and come to terms with her feelings for women and actually call herself bisexual. I don't agree with the characterization of her being like, some homophobic small-town soccer mom, but I also can't really see her being out and proud and openly in love with a woman.

Anyway, that got really long and rambly, but those are my thoughts. I hope I answered the question to your satisfaction. Thanks for the ask! I love getting nice anons (and non-anons!) in my ask box, so feel free to come back any time!

#asked and answered #anon #criminal minds #jemily #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #literally any wlw ship is better than every non-wlw ship except garvez and ralvez #lesbian emily rights

[borealopelta]

Hello I am the 💋 kiss anon and I am here to rank the Gloryhammer crew as who gives the best kisses: Ralathor 8/10 gives good kisses just a bit shy, Angus 9/10 giddy when kissed he probs moves around too much, Hoots 100/10 he's probably kissed so many people he's practically a kissing connoseur, Zargothrax 5/10 he's a bit creepy at first but he's trying his best. - 😘

Hi kiss anon!!!! Thank you for your wisdom on this blessed day!!! You're completely right and i have pretty much nothing to add to this (but i will say that im giving zargothrax a 7/10 because of the beard alone)

also....i would 11/10 kiss all of them to conduct a more accurate experiment....big sacrifice but hey everything for science right....

#this ask will be the death of me gshdhdjsk im too gay and too full of yearning to handle this!!!!!!! #also kiss anon if u sent an ask before it got eaten!! #like idk if you did but the introduction gave me ”youre supposed to recognize me” vibes and i just wanna say that if u sent smth before #i didnt get it 😔😔 #I'm just gonna go and think about making out with ralathor now :'D merry christmas to you all #asked and answered #anonymous #💋 anon #gloryhammer

[earthbovndmisfit]

What song do you think fits best jonawagon?

Hi, nonny! In all honesty, I can't pick just one, not even if I had to, so I'm going to be mean and give you all the songs that I can remember that fit them instead >:D Warning: it's gonna be long, but i hope that’s okay!

Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon. This one's a given and I'm convinced Araki drew a lot of inspiration from it to create Robert and the relationship between him and Jonathan.

Side mention to Keep On Lovin' You, also by REO. The song as a whole is not actually a love song but these lines "And I meant Every word I said When I said that I loved you I meant that I loved you forever And I'm gonna keep on lovin' you 'Cause it's the only thing I want to do I don't want to sleep, I just want to keep on lovin' you"? 100000% jonawagon energy. Same can be said about a lot other REO songs btw (hence why I'm convinced that Araki took a lot of inspo for the character and his relationship with Jonathan from this band and their music). Speaking of yet another REO song that fits them so so so good...

All Heaven Broke Loose - REO Speedwagon. "It hit me like a shot right out of the blue All heaven broke loose I was shaken by the power of love Taken by the power of you". There’s a jonawagon fanfic named after this song and my life has never been the same since ;v;

Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Boys Town Gang. Listen to the whole song and tell me it doesn't fit them.

Last Rose Of Summer - Judas Priest. "I give you this, the last rose of summer. A token of my unyielding love. So when the winter's mantle stills the earth And all around seems dead and cold This rose reminds you of a time when all was warm and living". Those lines always make me think of them. The fact that Judas' singer is some gay british gentleman named Robert is just a little bonus lol.

Baby, I love you - Ramones. The Ronettes' original version also works but I feel the "punks in love" touch the Ramones gave it fits Speedwagon better since that's pretty much what he is in PB, lol.

I'm Affected - Ramones. I feel this one fits better from Jonathan's perspective due to the "When I look into your big brown eyes" line.

Safe Home - Anthrax. This song. I have so many jonawagon feels about it. The acoustic version is amazing and fits them like a glove.

Digital Love - Daft Punk. I feel this one fits them during their pining/yearning stage.

Something About Us - Daft Punk. I feel like it hits right in the feels for these two during their pining/yearning stage too but just right when the time to confess their feelings comes. The song leaves it a little open since its not precisely a sad song, so the feelings can be totally requited on both ends. It's that uncertainty and self-consciousness from both sides (bc yeah, after all the abuse and overly difficult life at home Jonathan had to endure, there is no way he doesn't suffer from any side effects to it).

Kiss From A Rose - Seal. An anon brought this one up time ago and yesss. All of the yessssss.

To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens. Another kind anon suggested this one and I feel like it hits right for them

Amor Eterno - Juan Gabriel. This is a song in Spanish. The author/singer of this song was a gay man and there are countless rumours that this song was written and dedicated to a man he was in love with. The man died a tragic death, with the event leaving the singer so affected, because he loved him so much. This is basically the song you rip your entire heart out with when the love of your life has died. So, yeah. 10000% jonawagon feels right there. (i will try to post a translation of the lyrics of this song so y'all get the full image and extent of this). Speaking of Juan Gabriel, there is at least another one of his songs I feel fits the ship:

Te Lo Pido Por Favor - Juan Gabriel. A translated snippet of it goes more or less like: "How can I repay you for everything you do for me, all this happiness, all this immense love? Only with my life. Well, here's my life. I'm giving it to you."

Love Me Like There's No Tomorrow - Freddie Mercury. Lots of feels. So many of them.

Yell! - Amano Yuri. "No matter when, my warm hands should surely heal your wounds." The song comes from Yu Yu Hakusho and is performed by the main character's love interest who, much like Speedwagon, is forced to remain on the sidelines, watching as the man she loves fights for his life.

Laguna Sunrise - Black Sabbath. I feel like the vibe fits them very well.

Planet Caravan - Black Sabbath. Same as the previous one. Also, composer of the song, Geezer Butler, said: "the song is about floating through the universe with one's lover." So, yeah~

Love Talkin' - Tatsuro Yamashita. Just change pronouns accordingly and voilá~

Mr. DejaVu - Naja. "You showed me true kindness for the first time What I withheld cannot be given now; the moonlight frosts me over I couldn't even say goodbye Don't let me be alone Even if there is no eternity I'll believe in the red thread"

Endless Love - Megumi Ogata. "I kiss those eyelids that will never open again. Tonight, you are going on a journey into eternity. It isn’t too cruel, even if you live on a different star, beyond hundreds of billions of hours. Love Forever I’m sure I will find you because I will never forget you. My love for you will last forever. Love Forever"

Turn On Your Light - Judas Priest. The song is so sweet. One of the few ballads Judas has ever done and it hits the mighty jonawagon feels just right~

Sayonara Wa Iwanai - PERSONZ. "Sepia colored memories, decorations that wipe away my tears. Those are words from the bottom of my heart. I won’t see you again. I don’t want to think about that, that’s why I decided not to do it. No matter what, ¡never forget! No matter what, I won’t say goodbye now. Never say goodbye, because we will see each other again one day, smiling."

500 Miles - The Proclaimers. "And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you"

Do You Want To Know A Secret - The Beatles. "Let me whisper in your ear Say the words you long to hear I'm in love with you~"

An Angel Is Missing - Ronnie Dio And The Red Caps. Change pronouns and etc accordingly and it totally fits them~

Hand In Glove - The Smiths. Basically, requited but doomed (gay) love the way only The Smiths can do it. Bittersweet and with that Gay British touch to it.

My Love Life - Morrissey. This would be in Robert's POV. I've said it before, but this song could work great as the prequel to the next one...

I Can Have Both - Morrissey. Which would be about Jonathan finding out that he is in love with both Erina and Speedwagon. Basically, Jonathan coming to terms with being bi and polyam.

Hazme Sentir - Austin TV. Instrumental song. The title translates as "Make me feel". Despite the obvious title, give it a listen and you'll understand why it's here c:

There are a lot more that are escaping me right now along with some others that are 100% pining/yearning material and All Of The Sad Feels, but I decided to leave most of the sad ones out for now because Jonathan and Speedwagon deserve to be happy. Give me a few minutes and I'll put links to all the songs in a reblog of this post for everyone who wants to check any of the songs listed here! can't add external links or tumgle will do The Thing to the post.

Also!! and this goes to everyone reading this: by all means, please feel free to drop more song recs for the ship either here or in my ask box anytime!!

#jjba #speedwagon #jonathan joestar #jonawagon #robert e o speedwagon #jonaspeed #speedjona #speedstar #jojo's bizarre adventure #jojo #phantom blood #long post tw #robert e.o. speedwagon #erijonawagon #jonaeriwagon

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Ever since I started identifying as aro and also found out I might be on an asexual spectrum too, my other labels become less important. I always knew I wasn't straight but never paid much attention to it. At the end of high school I started calling myself bi, but I wasn't very attached to that label and didn't necessarily feel like a part of the community, because while I found people of different genders attractive I didn't want to date nor have sex with them. Then I realised pan label fits me better, I met more LGBTQIAP+ folks and become more engaged and active in the community. I truly felt like I belong and was "GAY AND PROUD" but nowadays... even though I know aro and ace people ARE part of the community, I personally feel like I'm drifting away. I'm still kinda attracted to people, but I don't act on it in any way and can't relate to many "gay" things, like jokes, posts about yearning or whatever. Maybe it's because I'm getting older too. But e.g. I'm active on Twitter in a few kpop and anime fandoms, and fans constantly yell about things being "gay" - I used to act in a similar way, but now I'm just indifferent and even a bit tired of them making everything seem sexual or romantic... maybe it's a generation gap too since most of those people are much younger than me. Like, I'm a bit disconnected I guess? And for some reason it doesn't feel right to call myself gay or queer like I used to do...

I'm not sure why I feel like this and I'm not sure if I'm sad about it or not, but yeah I just wanted to get it off my chest. Sorry for the long rant and sorry if it doesn't make sense...

This is something I've definitely seen happen with other aces and aros. Sometimes the more we get used to being ace/aro, the more other attraction starts to fade or starts to be less important.

And there's a few reasons this could happen, sometimes these shifts just happen naturally as we get older. When we're younger we have a lot more hormones shifting or sometimes we have an orientation that's fluid.

Sometimes the attraction we were feeling was a bit forced, or created a bit from the pressure to experience, and as that pressure eases we just experience it less (or sometimes it disappears entirely).

So I can't tell you where you might fit here, though it may not even matter really which it is. But definitely you're not the only one to be experience, and it's definitely normal. Definitely not something you need to be sad about either, you can feel however you want about it.

All the best, Anon!

[cobble-stone]

hello i'm the little gay man on your phone and i'm here to provide enrichment. not sure if anyone has asked you this before but which los campesinos song do you associate with etho

YES YES. this has provided me proper enrichment thank you

okay this is getting divided into Categories. songs that remind me of ll!etho (mainly ethubs), and songs that give me etho vibes/ songs that i think etho himself would like.

LL!Etho LC songs:

to tundra: it’s THE ethubs angst song. i’m sorry it just is. i’ve gone on a whole rant about it before but basically just. it’s them. ‘take a body to water, take a body to tundra, just take me with you as well,’ fitting with the loyalty that etho has to bdubs, always doing his best to get bdubs a life until he couldn’t. it’s them. it’s literally them.

a slow slow death: ALSO the ethubs song. i made a whole comic about it ages ago but it’s them. it’s them. it’s the perfect amount of gay yearning and death to fit the fact that they’re in a death game- it’s perfect. it’s them.

my year in lists: okay this one i was sent a joke about this being a ll!ethubs song once like months ago but ever since then i can’t help but feel that that anon was RIGHT.

this part especially reminds me of the scene where bdubs was trying to convince etho to join him as red. (“i accept that it’s time for change” reminds me of the fact that etho wanted to join him, “but not in places like this with people like these,” being him declining because he knows that going red with him would be dangerous.)

okay. there’s a couple others (we are beautiful we are doomed, avacado baby, the fall of home) but those are more geared towards third/last life as a whole.

songs that give me etho vibes and/or songs i feel like etho himself would like:

- a lot of we are beautiful we are doomed. i’m thinking ways to make it through the wall and all your kayfabe friends in particular. could not tell you why.

- i just sighed i just sighed: okay this one’s kinda a funny story. yes this is THE trans-est lc song but like. i was very tired one afternoon after waking up from a nap and for some reason my brain like. heard (not actually heard but like- yknow when you imagine someone’s voice and you can imagine it Clearly) etho singing a line from it. and ever since all i’ve wanted was to hear etho sing that whole song.

- avacado, baby: i just feel like etho would enjoy this song honestly- based on what i know about his music taste.

- 2007: the year punk rock broke my heart: same as avacado, baby. actually i feel like etho would like a lot of hold on now youngster. he’d either love it or just Not Like it. i feel like he’d also like the more upbeat songs from no blues and sick scenes

#cobble’s tones #hello mothervvoid hope you’re having a good day :) #this is. Incomprehesible my apologies

[foibles-fables]

Do you have any tips for aspiring people trying to write Aloy and Talanah( more specifically expressing their personalities)?

Oh gosh. First of all, anon, this is such a flattering ask and you've made me feel so very soft on main on this weekend morn. I hope you're proud of yourself and I hope you're having an amazing day!!!! [cryingcat.jpg]

Second of all--this is a super hard question to answer with specific regard to these two fruity-ass yearning-ass sad-ass dumbass machine hunters (equal measures affectionate and derogatory). That said, I'm more than happy to make an attempt at coherently sketching out the way I try to capture character in general. It's one of the coolest and most challenging and most rewarding parts of writing fanfic--and also my personal favorite undertaking when I meet new pals to write about! Here goes.

1. First point's a little tangential (we're off to a great start), but there's a definitely difference between media I consume/enjoy passively and the pieces that really get to me. With the latter, I'm much more likely to get attached to characters than to a specific genre. Hence why my taste is somewhat eclectic! There's a character archetype I find myself most drawn to [weary sidelong glace at Kahlan, Talanah, Beatrice, Asami] and they're the ones most likely to make me sigh deeply and open a Google doc. So for me there's the immediate benefit of knowing exactly who makes my brain go brrr, and using that to both dig into and/or make fun little twists on their canon characterization.

2. I can't say enough for close and repeated consumption of the source material. Eventually their little mannerisms, body language, inflection/cadence, speech structure, vocabulary, general attitude, strengths, weaknesses, false beliefs, hypocrisies, etc. will become ingrained. Once you know 'em, it's easier to embody 'em and extrapolate 'em while being careful not to exaggerate 'em. I've watched Seeker and Warrior Nun in their entirety enough times to scare the average human, and I swear at least a third of the views on the "Talanah (All Cutscenes)" YouTube video are mine. Spend time with your faves. You'll all enjoy it and benefit from it.

3. Canon use of language goes a long way in making the character sound like the character, in both narration and dialogue. Check out the diction used in the source material if ever in doubt. I control-F scripts often for this purpose. Did you know the Carja know and use the word "miasma?!" Who even says that word, ever. What absolute dramatic fools.

4. Related--when putting dialogue together, it super-helps to imagine the actor/voice actor saying the line. The aural cue is a good way to check up on your characterization. If it sounds off, you might need to make adjustments. I also totally ascribe to narrating dialogue out loud as I'm working it out. Ask my cats.

5. Practice, practice, practice. There's not a single person who undertakes any craft and doesn't benefit from repetition and honing. Each iteration is a chance to improve and evaluate yourself. Do it often, do it with abandon.

7. Exude absolute feral gay energy and project all of your problems and demons and weaknesses and insecurities onto your faves Ignore this one please

I hope that was at least somewhat of an answer for you! If anyone else has any advice or thoughts, please reply with them because I was starstruck enough by this ask that I'm sure I missed a lot in my flustered flattery.

#foibles is writing fanfic #writing #oh boy i am not an expert at anything #please don't perceive me #i just go feral for the traumatized competent sunshiney girlboss #they control me like a sentient rat pulling my hair to commandeer my limbs #i'm just a gay chef linguini going 'clack clack clack' on my keyboard everyone

[ouyangzizhensdad]

I'm reading through some of your meta and in the one about WWX possibly weaponizing MXY being gay you mention how MXY being a molester was fabricated. I agree with this but I always thought that this was a personal headcanon and didn't realize that it was supported by canon. If you're up to it, please may you point me to where it might say this?

Hi anon, 

I’m sad to report that there isn’t a scene where JGY admits before a jury that yes, it was I, I fabricated the claims against Mo Xuanyu, who was a hapless victim all along! which would be convenient for winning arguments quickly and easily. But, I promise you, so long as we read between the lines, it is undeniable that we are meant to understand by the end of the novel that the accusations leveled against Mo Xuanyu were baseless and that he was another victim of JGY’s (and NHS’s!) machinations.

Beyond a purely thematic reading of the novel, which would  therefore highlight  that the theme around how public opinion is willing to believe accusations and condemn without material or sensible proof (particularly so when it comes to people who do not hold a lot of power within society, those who are the Other) is one that is repeated across many characters, the narrative reveal of JGY’s true personality and actions indicates that the accusations against MXY were just  another ploy of JGY’s. 

At the very beginning of the novel, when WWX looks through Mo Xuanyu’s things, he’s able to piece out together that Mo Xuanyu’s “lunacy” seemed rooted in a deep and paranoiac fear of.... something. MXY didn’t just get thrown out of the Sect in disgrace--something clearly happened to him, or he clearly witnessed something that scared him out of his senses. 

“after he returned, he seemed to have gone completely mad—although no one could tell what kind of shock he’d suffered. He had good days and bad ones. It was as if he had been scared witless.” [Chapter 1]

Further into the novel, it is revealed that MXY didn’t actually harass his “peers” but actually only one person: Jin Guangyao. Right after this reveal, we also learn that MXY used to treat JGY with the utmost respect and deference. While Jin Ling seems to misunderstand this past deification of JGY as a side-effect of MXY’s presumed feelings for him, as readers we can see how it actually raises doubts into the claims leveraged against MXY, as it would then seem very out of character for MXY to disrespect JGY by harassing him (especially if one considers that the risks of harassing his powerful half-brother definitely would not outweigh the benefits....).

“Don’t listen to [JGY],” said Wei Wuxian. “Let me tell you—when you grow older, you’ll find out that there are more and more people you want to beat up, but you’ll have to force yourself to get along with them nicely. So, since you’re still young, go beat up all the people you want. At such an age, if you don’t have a few proper fights, your life won’t be complete.”

Jin Ling’s face betrayed faint yearning, yet he still sounded contemptuous, “What are you talking about? Shushu’s advice is for my own good.”

After he spoke, he suddenly remembered that the past Mo Xuanyu had always regarded Jin Guangyao as a deity. He definitely would not have disagreed with Jin Guangyao in any way. Yet, now he was saying not to listen to him. Was it that he really did not hold any improper thoughts toward Jin Guangyao anymore?

(we also learn that Zewu-jun never knew about what supposedly happened, or even who MXY was, which again.....fishy.... JGY what are you hiding...... not mentioning someone harassed you to your bff is one thing, but not introducing him to your half-bro?.... )

Then! Almost right after we learn all this new information, it is also revealed through WWX’s paperman adventures and NMJ’s adventures that JGY is not who he has presented himself to be: he is a master manipulator, who has lied and continues to lie to preserve his position and to eliminate people he perceives as threatening the place he carved for himself in sweat and tears and blood. 

At this point, the deal is pretty much sealed: we have an unreliable witness in the man we now know to be able to do incredibly scary and cruel things (a knowledge that will only be reinforced by the end of the novel once NHS’ plan is completed). What actually happened, how MXY went from someone who deified JGY to someone who would need to be sent away in disgrace and scared into silence and compliance, all this is not told to us by the novel. It is possible that JGY might have seen MXY as a potential accomplice to his deeds (like he did his other half-brother, XY) (EDIT: I DREAMED UP THAT XY was one of JGS’s bastard children, please disregard it), or that he might have seen MXY as a potential threat to his position because of they shared a father--honestly, I can see many possibilities here! 

Also, it is important to consider that even the claim of MXY’s “lunacy”  is pretty fraught and ambiguous. The novel ends up setting up the idea that MXY’s erratic behaviour was related to him being scared (as we see in the and frustrated at the injustice he received at the hands of both the Jin Sect and his family (for example, this piece of shino meta)

Finally, it’s a good time to remember that even MXY’s sacrifice was not a decision he made on his own: he was once again the victim of a mastermind with much more power and influence than he could ever dream to have. After all, the novel takes pain to explain to us that NHS’s schemes for revenge depended on MXY sacrificing himself (passage under the cut because this post is getting long!)

“Nie-zongzhu,” Wei Wuxian asked again. “I heard that you often travel between the Gusu Lan sect and the Lanling Jin sect, am I right?”

“That’s right.”

“Then did you really not recognize Mo Xuanyu?”

“Ah?” Nie Huaisang’s face twitched slightly. 

“I remember that the first time I met you after my soul had been offered into his body, you acted as if you did not recognize me, and even asked Hanguang-jun who I was. Mo Xuanyu was then entangled anyhow with Jin Guangyao during that time* and was able to access even his secret collections, and you often went to find Jin-zongzhu to complain. Even if you and Mo Xuanyu were not familiar with each other, did you really not see him before at all?”

Nie Huaisang scratched his head, saying, “Wei-xiong, Jinlintai is so huge, I can’t possibly recognize everyone, even if I’ve seen them, I can’t remember. Moreover…” 

Looking rather awkward, he continued, “You know about Mo Xuanyu’s identity back then, it’s slightly…...the Lanling Jin sect had tried their best to hide it, so it wouldn’t have been surprising if I had never met him before. Even Xichen-ge may not have met him before.”

“Oh, that’s true. Zewu-jun did not know who Mo Xuanyu was either.”

“Right! And what I don’t understand is, even if I had seen Mo Xuanyu before, why would I pretend not to recognize him? Was there such a need?”

Wei Wuxian laughed and replied, “Nothing much, I just thought it strange and was casually asking. 

However, he thought, He was simply trying to see whether the ‘Mo Xuanyu’ he met was the real one.

For someone who was said to have been cowardly and weak, where would have Mo Xuanyu gotten the courage to sacrifice himself and offer his soul?

And as for Chifeng-zun’s left hand, why was it discarded? It could not be that Jin Guangyao would accidentally lose it.

Moreover, why was it that it happened to appear right at the Mo family residence, just when Wei Wuxian had been reincarnated, but not somewhere else? 

If Chifeng-zun’s body had been buried by the QingheNie sect, would Nie Huaisang, who had always respected his older brother, not notice that his body had disappeared all these years?

Wei Wuxian was inclined to believe an alternative situation. 

[...]

As such, [NHS] thought of another person; Mo Xuanyu, who had just been kicked out of the Golden Pavilion. 

Perhaps in order to let Mo Xuanyu listen to him, Nie Huaisang had already spoken to him before and heard from an upset and anguished Mo Xuanyu that he had seen one of Jin Guangyao’s scrolls of forbidden spells recording a certain ancient demonic spell. He then took advantage of the Mo Xuanyu, who was then humiliated and bullied by his clan, to persuade him to perform the spell as revenge**. 

And which fierce corpse would he summon?

Naturally, he would summon the Yiling Patriarch.

Unable to bear the days of humiliation any longer, Mo Xuanyu finally drew the array, and Nie Huaisang also took the chance to throw out the hot potato that was burning his hand: ChiFeng-Zun’s left arm.

From there on, his plan had begun and he no longer had to spend his own time and energy to find Nie Mingjue’s remaining body, leaving the dangerous and troublesome job to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. All he had to do was watch their actions closely. [Chapter 109]

*I changed the translation here, which originally said that “Mo Xuanyu was harassing Jin Guangyao” since I find (at least with my limited linguistic skills lmao) that the original is much more ambivalent. The clause is  莫玄羽当年好歹也纠缠过金光瑶, and the use of  好歹 signals to me toward ambivalence, which is further compounded by the fact that the verb  纠缠 does not necessarily translate to harassment. So I doubt that the original intent was to suggest that WWX was saying to NHS: shouldn’t you have known the dude who was harassing JGY? Anyone who knows Chinese more than I do is free to come and correct me if I am completely wrong in my assessment.

**Okay I changed the translation here again because the translation I was working with made it seem as if MXY was motivated by shame? but the original Chinese says  他便怂恿当时饱受族人欺辱的莫玄羽 which to me clearly points to his treatment by the Mo family/clan and to the fact that it was something being done unto him, not a state of mind he had. 

#anon ask #mdzs meta #mo xuanyu #mxy #jgy #jin guangyao #nhs #nie huaisang #meta post follow-up #Anonymous