#i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

#mlp #yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia. #yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show #but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!! #i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse #in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character #personal #delete later #unless you like this analysis stuff #i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did #cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her #mother and father as a teenager #i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased #but i'll put some in the tags #involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity #anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention #(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff #long post #regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at #a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up

[mirageofadesert]

Give me more morally gray characters ...

Let me interrupt my regular program for a brief rant about Downton Abbey and Thomas Barrow… well, not really regular as I've been too busy to watch anything with subtitles for the past few weeks. Instead, I passively binged on Downton Abbey while working.

I love morally gray characters, be it Tantai Jin from TTEOTM or Spike from Buffy. One of my favorite characters is Thomas Barrow from Downton Abbey. (Spoiler Alert, TW // suicide, homophobia, conversion therapy)

Thomas is everything I need in a character ... unhinged, angsty and gay.

I loved him from the first rude line to the last. He starts out as a delightful troublemaker with a cruel streak born of fear, hurt and the desire to be respected, fit in and belong. He is, as Baxter understands so well, his own worst enemy, having perfected self-sabotage over the years.

A supporting character for most of the show, the footman-turned-butler's story is usually prioritized over his character development - meaning the writers know where they want him to end up each season, even if it contradicts previous characterizations. This leaves the audience with a character who can be hard to follow at times.

The writing really got on my nerves at times. From conveniently forgetting his medical training when they want him to despair during his job hunt, to pulling any kind of cunning out of him when they want him to appear changed (and depressed), Thomas is always what the showrunners need him to be, but not necessary what would make sense for his character. I'm still annoyed that they made him go through medical torture in the form of conversion therapy and a suicide attempt, and then glossed over these traumatic incidents in favor of boring other storylines. Or how they portrayed his war injury as an act of cowardice rather than desperation.

What I love about him is that he was still a coherent character who remained a morally gray character (the last film aside, because they sort of forgot to give him any of his character traits back). Thomas would still lash out when he was angry or hurt, would still manipulate others for his own gain, and would still feel wronged by the world. Once the world has brought him to his knees, he understands that he has only himself to blame, and he tries to do better - which has its ups and downs. The Thomas we see in the final and in the films still wants to belong, is still a desperate romantic, but he is also so incredibly insecure in a rather endearing way.

Younger Thomas was rather stiff but dignified, trying to appear immaculate, trying to hide the fact that he felt he was anything but. Once the mask comes off, he goes from being a reluctant cat to being full of nervous puppy energy. As a neurodivergent person who has recently struggled with not being able to masks well, I can relate a little too much to this version of Thomas.

Most characters, that start out as villains, either change completely (like Tantai Jin), their behavior will be excused (like Mo Ran or Spike) or they sacrifice themselves for the greater good to redeem themselves (like Spike). Thomas stays more on less morally gray. We understand the reasons better, why he would lash out at others, and we can feel sorry for him. He had a harder life than most, but that still does not undo the harm he has done to others.

All in all, the last film was a bit of a disappointment for me, mainly because a lot of the characters felt a bit off. I had to watch the film twice to get behind the romance with Guy Dexter. What Guy meets is Thomas desire to be respected as a person, to be seen as worthwhile, to escape the life as decorative wallpaper and to finally have a romantic relationship with someone that is rather enthusiastic about him. A lot of their relationships seems to have developed off-screen, based on Guy knowing who Carson was during his proposal and understanding how uncertain Thomas still feels about his role in the household. I wish them well - but not at the expense of Thomas being excluded from the rumoured 3rd film. I hope it takes place in the USA and we get to see him again!

I really wish we would see more morally gray characters like this, even through a quick look into the fandom of Downton Abbey shows me, that not everybody can handle it.

#downton abbey #thomas barrow

[sharpth1ng]

What do you think is mentally wrong with billy and stu other then being “insane”

I don't actually think they're insane, tbh. I'm going to give a long explanation of this but I just want to say I'm not judging you or the question. Terms like this get miss-used a lot in pop media (including in Scream) so it's easy to get the wrong idea.

"Insane" is a legal category, not a medical diagnosis. Legally, insanity refers to someone being in a state where they are so out of touch with reality that they can't be considered responsible for their actions. The way this works is complicated, but simply put if the crime was violent then it needs to be proven that the accused person didn't actually know what they were doing.

Successful insanity pleas are very very rare, both because the burden of proof is super high and because people with disorders that involve a break from reality don't commit violent crime that often at all. It's actually pretty rare.

So yeah, by that definition these two are not insane at all. They know exactly what they are doing and they intend to do it. They call themselves "psychotic" but that's also a miss-use of the term. They very clearly don't have psychosis, and aside from that people with psychosis are less likely to act violently than people who don't have it (this is a statistical fact).

On that note I just want to point out that the way media connects violence with psychotic disorders is a real problem. It stigmatizes and isolates the real people who struggle with this stuff. It causes others to judge and fear them, it makes them fear themselves, and it makes it harder for them to access treatment and care. So yeah the psychotic line in Scream is a real pet-peeve of mine, that's why I changed it in my writing.

Getting back to Billy and Stu I really don't think their issues and behaviours can be boiled down to any mental health issues. To be clear I don't think anyones bad behaviour can be boiled down to mental health issues. In some cases mental health issues can help us understand where behaviour is coming from, but they're never the only cause. So I'll talk about the way I write them in terms of the issues they deal with, but just keep in mind that these things not the cause of their actions.

I write Billy autistic partly because I am (but also because of the canonical horror movie special interest and third act meltdown) and I'd say my portrayal of Stu also indicates some type of neurodivergence- probably something like ADHD but I don't have any specific diagnosis in mind. Billy also has some attachment and trust issues- these aren't diagnosis or disorders but they are definitely things he struggles with. For his part Stu is dealing with parental neglect and struggles with loneliness as well as under-stimulation.

All of this stuff informs the way they behave with each other, the walls they put up, and the types of relationships they have with other people. For example Billy isn't emotionally open to Sidney at any point. Even if he wasn't gay there was never a possibility for their relationship to work out because he's completely closed off to her. He doesn't trust her.

In terms of what I think is truly wrong with these two it's the misogyny, the slut shaming and the self-centeredness. That's the kind of stuff that I think explains their behaviour for real, and none of it is related to their mental health issues or insecurities.

Stu is a rich white boy living in suburban California and the way I write him, so is Billy. They have shitty values and the kind of privileged upbringing that teaches men to see themselves as the main character. Billy literally has one of those scary tiktok boy moms, like when we see Nancy in Scream 2 she fully excuses all of his behaviour. He's been brought up not having to take accountability or consider the real effects of his actions. Neither of them have.

So yeah tldr: They aren't insane, they do have some legit mental health issues the way I write them, but none of that stuff causes their actions in the movie. Their actions are caused by a toxic combination of sexism and main character syndrome, which are not mental health issues.

I hope all that makes sense!

#stuilly #scream #debaser fanfic #tw mental health #ask

[69-toojay]

I used to love BBC Sherlock so fucking much when I was like fourteen or something and it kinda got me into the Sherlock Holmes universe so when I watched the finale I was actually legitimately overjoyed because omigod fucking god they're living together no wives or girlfriends and raising a baby together and the whole finale was about Sherlock rescuing John. I thought everyone perceived it as canon Johnlock but then I found out how violently homophobic the actors and everyone involved in the production of the show were post finale. And how derisive the straight fans were, it was a specific brand of potent hostility I'd never encountered before up until then and have never seen since in such intensity. The thing is I still maintain bbc johnlock was not even queerbait, it was just textbook gaslighting at that point. They made a pair canonically queer then called us every name under the sun for seeing that it was queer. Anyway that was just one facet of it that made the show age badly to me.

I also hate shows with a white male protagonist who uses his " neurodivergent genius intellect" as an excuse to be an absolutely garbage person, because it attracts a specific kind of male demographic that try to emulate this condescend whilst completely missing the irony of the purposeful character flaw.

Despite everything I did love that show with my whole heart as a kid, and I missed it so much, I loved Andrew Scott's camp as fuck Moriarty, Lara Pulvers Irene made me go wELL fuCk If I wasn't Gay BeFoRe. But after everything that particular adaptation has perhaps permanently soured for me. I hoped one day I could go back to it without wincing at the scene where John hits Sherlock because he blames him for Mary's death because I read some sort of meta internalised homophobia into it. But I realised even though I'm grateful to bbc johnlock for making me fall in love with the ship it's just an adaptation. There's millions of better ones out there, bbc doesn't have be an end all be all and I've also only read one acd canon book. So not all is lost and maybe I will go back to Johnlock just not through that door.

#bbc sherlock #Moftiss #tjlc #sherlock fandom #sherlockbbc #mary morstan #jim moriarty #sherlock holmes #john watson #irene adler #acd sherlock holmes

[lordcatwich]

Fintro post!! (please excuse the pun)

HELLO!!! My name is Finn! Or Finny! Or Benji! Or tentatively Phillip! I'm a genderfluid, queer teenage writer! I am also (gasp) NEURODIVERGENT!!! I have diagnosed ADHD and am suspecting that a few other things are bouncing around in my head (mainly autism, which the following statement doesn't apply to I have done research) BUT I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS ON MY PLATE TO RESEARCH THEM!!

FACT TIME!

I go by he/him/they/xe!

I LOVE INDIE MUSIC AND ROCK MUSIC (LEMON DEMON, WILL WOOD, AND BEAR GHOST ARE MY FAVORITE BANDS) (I ALSO FUCKING LOVE CHONNY JASH) (HE IS ALSO A FAVORITE)

I have absolutely no motivation for schoolwork

Currently learning swedish!

Online stuff I love: TADC, Monkey Wrench, Doobus Goobus animations, @littlebookworm69 's theories about Finley (one of my characters), The Mind Electric by Chonny Jash, The Monument Mythos, Wendigoon

I love yo-yos. I play with them in class. In my house. In the yard. The street. The driveway. Standing over someone's bed at night (/j).

Digital Artist and writer!

WIP SECTION!!

I have SO many WIPs you wouldn't BELIEVE

But I only have two main ones. HERE WE GO

Axerim!!

Two people who've practically been best friends since birth find themselves in the clutches of evil, evil people. This story is about the trauma that happens, mainly. But oh, how amazing it is.

Setting- Medieval Fantasy

MCs- Kirix (They/Them, 18) and Barlow (They/Them, 18)

Finleylore!!

@evil-lordcatwich 's traumatic backstory, featuring crazy companies and a rat. A child prodigy decides to persue villainy as a career- what could possibly go wrong?

Setting- Alternate timeline 2029

MCs- Doctor Finley Rose (He/Him/They, 14-21)

Side WIPs

Carlylore- A cyborg cat burglar tries to find her creators/parents before her brain stops working

Arthurquest- Local Eccentric Scientist Meets God, says it's 'Cute'. Silly lil man tries to drive humanity insane

Academia Mermaids- Lesbian Aunts and their nephews try to escape a space zoo, or at least crack its secrets! truly a very gay WIP

If you wanna get to know me or send me asks and stuff FEEL FREE I LOVE GETTING TO KNOW ONLINE PEOPLEEEEE

seeya sooooon :3

#intro #Spotify

[tfemithaqua]

May I propose a new gay / nwlnw flag ?

Pls excuse any poor grammar or spelling. 😭 I am not that good with words nor descriptions.

For starters: I think a lot of gay/nwlnw flags are pretty and not all of them are flawed obviously but some are or have controversy surrounding them for whatever reasons. Some people may not be a big fan of the color palettes in certain flags.. so I decided to make my own flag for people who like the same colors as me or enjoy flags that aren't that eye straining.

I don't expect this to get much attention, but if you are interested then I guess I'll share a bit more of the important parts! ^^ and also why I want to propose this.

(Such as the stripe meanings and why I chose those colors)

Here are the stripe meanings:

(I wanted this to be an inclusive flag for trans and enby gays)

Why those colors? (Warning: very bad at explaining)

- lavender historically has been used by queer activists. It symbolizes empowerment and resistance. (I know in the flag that the shades are not that accurate but that is mainly because the accurate or so shades don't go well with the other colors. I am not good with explaining 😭😭🤦🏽)

- the pink ish stripe was color picked from a rose since roses are also a queer symbol. Specifically gay men in places like Japan. I chose a pink rose because I like pink lol

(The white stripe is just.. there)

- the last three stripes are color picked from the hyacinth and green carnation. Both have been used to historically identify gay men and to symbolize gay men.

(I sort of played with the colors in order to make them more appealing but now you know why I chose those colors)

Now on why I made this flag:

As you can see it's inclusive or at least in my mind I wanted it to be inclusive. I wanted it to acknowledge certain people in the gay community such as trans and disabled / neurodivergent gay men/enbies. I also wanted to acknowledge gnc (gender non-conforming) trans people. I am a transmasc who is very tired of the constant invalidation my fellow gnc transmascs get (as well as enbies). I'm tired of people only validating cis gnc people. Are cis gnc people awesome? In every way possible and I think trans gnc people are equally awesome as well. I think feminine trans men should be able to embrace that side of them without fear of judgement or accusations. I think trans people should be allowed to express themselves however they wish. I think trans people should embrace and be proud of who they are.

(Below are tags and some are simply just for reach)

#lgbtqia #pride flags #gay #nwlnw #mlm #achillean #mogai #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #actually disabled #autistic #cluster b safe #mental heath awareness #beyond mogai #men loving men #nonbinary #gender nonconforming #transmasc #transgender #trans pride #transfem #sapphic #lesbian #my flags #people of color #indigenous pride

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

it's Pride Month, so I have an excuse to talk about my favorite lgbt+ media with you - and today I want to share my favorite Asian gay dramas with you. All of those are available with English subtitles.

Note: these are my personal opinions - taste is subjective. These are all mlm (I guess that's just what I gravitate towards when picking something to watch) but the first one also has a wlw couple!

CW for "Until we meet again" (suicide and death mention).

Bad Buddy (Thai series): My absolute favorite series that I just can't shut up about. Think Romeo and Julia, but in a modern setting and gay. This series manages to be funny and have that comforting rom-com feeling while still having a solid, emotionally stirring plot. It subtly turns a lot of overused tropes in gay movies on their heads and the acting is so good. Also has one of the best kissing scenes ever.

You can watch it on Youtube.

Wish You (Korean movie): A soft and sweet comfort movie (no homophobia, no tragedy, just a love story!). The plot is very simple: A keyboarder and a singer fall in love. But the simplicity is what makes it so incredibly beautiful. The storytelling is subtle and gentle - it really doesn’t need a lot of dialogue or action, their eyes tell you more than words could. This movie just feels like a comforting hug.

You can watch it on Netflix and Rakuten Viki.

2gether (Thai series): Funny, sweet and comforting. This one holds a special place in my heart as it became my safe haven during quarantine. The plot is... well, don't think about the plot too hard. It doesn't really make that much sense. But it has a fake relationship that leads to real feelings and it feels very much like a cheesy fanfic, and sometimes that's exactly what you need.

You can watch it on Youtube.

Until we meet again (Thai series): We are moving away from the funny, sweet ones here. This one also has some light-hearted rom-com moments but it overall has a really heavy, intense feeling. It heavily(!) deals with suicide and death. A gay couple that lives during a homophobic time commits suicide together - and is reborn 30 years later in a more supportive time. (I feel like they were careful to not romanticize or glorify suicide which is very important with a plot like that). I can't remember ever crying this much during a series! It's heartbreaking and at the same time so important. Definitely a strong anti-suicide and anti-homophobia message.

You can watch it on Youtube and Rakuten Viki.

Color Rush (Korean movie): Supernatural mystery romance. It plays in a world where some people can not see colors - unless they meet their one special person. A little bit on the creepy side, especially Part 2, but also sweet and romantic! A good choice if you want something more thrilling than your usual love story. Deals with discrimination in a creative way by not focusing on real-world homophobia and still having messages that apply to the real world.

You can watch it on Rakuten Viki.

Semantic Error (Korean series): I think they never explicitly say that the lead is neurodivergent but this still very much felt like neurodivergent representation. A student exposes his classmate for not putting any effort into a group project and by doing so, messes up his plans to study abroad... It's an "enemies to lovers" and "opposites attract" type of story but never veers into problematic territory. They don't overdo the "enemies" part and the series did a great job on showing consent, especially with a main character who doesn't like (spontaneous) touch.

You can watch this on Rakuten Viki.

Not Me (Thai series): I'm taking a little risk by including this one - I am currently watching this, so I don't know the ending yet! But I already love it so much that I feel justified in already including it in my favorites. A man disguises himself as his twin in order to discover who attacked him and put him in a coma. It's thrilling and fast-paced and a bit more violent than I usually like - but it's so deep and dives into so many important topics. Social justice, anti-capitalism, disability rights, to just name a few. If you feel like most love stories are too superficial and predictable, you'll love this.

You can watch this on Youtube.

Bonus: Until we meet again and 2gether feature lgbt+ actors (not the entire cast), Bad Buddy was directed by a gay man and Not Me by a trans woman!

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

#lgbt #lgbt+

[starry-eyed-fag]

Would unironically love to see a writeup about the anti-rpf movement and how it connects to ableism. Homophobia I can kind of see, people seem to take way more issue with m/m rpf than of f/m from what i've seen, especially in classic rock. But ableism? (Genuine curiosity btw! )

-a curious rpf lover

so i normally don't get into shipcourse, but this is something I actually feel passionate about. RPF writers and readers are attacked for a lot of reasons, some of them fair and a matter of personal opinion, a lot of them very obviously bigoted. (also I will be reblogging this on my discourse blog @political-faggotry, if you want to send me asks in response to this post send them there!)

People take way more issue with m/m and f/f RPF than m/f RPF, as you said. This is because fanfiction and other forms of "shitty literature" have always been associated with queer people. This has been the case since at least the 1960s, when queer authors were forced to write shitty tragic stories that can't really be classified as love stories in order to have their stories told at all. A lot of queer-coded media was like this too, and cishet people caught on.

My informed opinion is that modern-day RPF was created because of an intersection of neurodivergence and queerness. Basically, ND queer people who felt out of place in society came together and formed fandoms around bands, actors, celebs, etc. Due to the increasing popularity of fanfiction in the 2000s, it was only natural that this would eventually bleed into fandoms of bands.

I think that the reason that M/M RPF fic was/is so popular is because of the trans eggs in fandom that 1) liked to project onto male characters and 2) viewed women as competition. Back when I was an egg, this was definitely what drew me to RPF. I did not like reading about Pete Wentz with his actual girlfriend, or with some female OC, I liked reading about him with a man I could project onto and who didn't feel like competition.

Anti-RPF "movements" during the 2000s was very obviously homophobic, misogynistic, and transphobic. Readers & writers would regularly get called homophobic slurs, get misogynist and transandrophobic comments, and otherwise be attacked for being queer and/or perceived female.

In the late 2010s was when the rise of calling things "problematic" because cringe culture died truly happened. Instead of saying "I don't like what you write because you're a faggot", people would say "actually you're problematic for writing that". It was literally the same shit we would get told in the 2000s, replacing words like "faggot" and the r-slur with "problematic".

I'm not saying that all people who call media problematic are like this - far from it. I call some media problematic too! However, media perceived as queer was targeted with accusations of being problematic far more than media without queerness attached, and many people who were already homophobic used this as an excuse to be homophobic while still being seen as "progressive".

I have an entire other rant about how non-MLM "progressives" can be and are homophobic sometimes, but I don't really have the spoons to write all that out right now - I will do it later though!

It would be misleading of me to not also talk about how TEHMs played a big part in the homophobia and transphobia that was directed at the (queer) RPF community. For those unaware, TEHM stands for Trans Exclusionary Homosexual Male. They are basically the TERF lesbians of the MLM gay community. They believe that gay trans men, especially nonbinary trans men and autistic trans men, are straight female fetishizers trying to invade the gay community.

TEHMs often come after transmasculine fans of yaoi anime, queer fanfiction, and yes, RPF. TEHMs will claim that the fact that transmasculine people tend to be in fandoms with a lot of M/M ships somehow "proves" that we are just fetishizing. So. Fucking. Many. Of the most common anti-RPF arguments use TEHM talking points, either intentionally or unintentionally.

TEHMs make use of dogwhistles to spread their messages even to people who are often trans-inclusionary. Claims of fetishizing MLM relationships are more often than not TEHM dogwhistles. A very common claim that I see among people who are VERY anti-RPF (not as in "i do not think RPF is good, but i don't really care all that much", but more as in "if you have ever read RPF in your life you should die") is that RPF is basically sexual assault.

Why would you accuse an entire fandom of young, queer, transmasculine people of sexually assaulting people who are usually 20+ years older than them? This is TEHM rhetoric.

I also want to touch on the ableism a little. Many RPF writers are neurodivergent, as one might expect. The majority of the ones I've interacted with are. The internet loves to get mad at neurodivergent people for having "problematic" interests, and with RPF it is no different.

We are singled out and our interests are seen as inherently disordered, immoral, etc. Those who are very strongly against RPF either do not know this, or they know this and are fine with harassing neurodivergent people over what amounts to a non-issue.

Now, that's the end of my point, but I have a few things to clarify. I am not trying to say that if you personally don't like RPF that you are actually transphobic, homophobic, and/or ableist. You are allowed to dislike anything for any reason and I don't care. My problem is with the people who hate RPF so much that they believe that reading it is a moral failing, or that it is okay to harass those that like it.

It is incredibly important to have boundaries writing RPF, which means not doing it anywhere that it is likely the people you are writing about will see. It is also okay to believe that RPF is inherently breaking a boundary; I disagree, but I see where your (not at anon) opinion is coming from and I respect it. It is not at all bigoted to dislike a thing for those reasons, as they are valid reasons to dislike something.

There is also a larger discussion to be had about the commodification of humans themselves in the music industry, but that is beyond the scope of this post.

I really only have a problem with the people who believe that it is a moral failing, or literal sexual assault, to be in a mostly harmless community that has been historically associated with queerness. That is all.

Please don't bring proship/anti discourse to this post.

#ask and ye shall receive #rpf discourse #shipcourse #discourse #pro rpf #rpf #rpf safe

[nebulousfishgills]

I could just be a dumbass who came to this conclusion after everyone else did and I just don't realize it, but I was mindlessly drafting a one shot and the thought occured to me.

There's a lot of mystery around the Massacre of Hawkins Lab and Henry's past that I think we're all trying to piece together. Weird inconsistencies, time gaps, missing information, and the like. I don't really have a coherent way of saying this cleanly, so I'll just dump it out.

I'm pretty sure that there's a lot of us in the "The Mind Flayer Was Behind It All" camp, but we all end up looking like Pepe Silvia in "It's Always Sunny" because of those missing pieces we're trying to drag together. I'll probably sound the same way, but here we go.

What I think is part of what's going on is that the Creel House is just a location in Hawkins where the barrier between both worlds is extremely weak, like how some haunted locations are more prone to paranormal activity than others. One might argue that Hawkins Lab is another one of these weak spots, but I wanna focus on the Creel House.

The Mind Flayer had always existed as a shadow-y soup of chaos for god knows how many years and as we can see, it's what connects the Hivemind together. It's like Bluetooth, really.

It's an entity on its own and I think it's goal is to control all things, in the Upside-Down and in the Overworld. What I think happened was that it was looking for a vessel to get into the Overworld it's been locked out of. Henry comes along, already disillusioned and dissatisfied with society for probably several reasons that we can't yet confirm nor deny, yet are implied (is he gay, is he neurodivergent, both, who knows).

These things will probably reveal themselves in The First Shadow, one of many reasons it's going to be a very important piece of lore...

The First Shadow... Shadow... Shadow Monster... Mind Flayer.

The Shadow Monster started to invade Henry's mind, stoke his worries and hatred to eventually link itself with him. That's how Henry's powers developed. It's a tired parallel at this point, but it's easy. The Flayer is Emperor Palpatine, Henry is Anakin Skywalker (and El is Luke). "Join me and together we can rule the galaxy/world, here are cool powerups to boot."

Once Henry's taken to Hawkins Lab, he's separated from the weak barrier that his house was, but the Mind Flayer has still infected his mind.

"The particles went inside them" is what Murray said about the Demo-creatures in the Russian prison, and I think somehow the Mind Flayer got particles/its influence/Bluetooth into Henry. He's constantly simmering, just waiting for the day he can escape and take his revenge. Which is where the Massacre comes in.

I can't explain every weird detail or inconsistency, but I can explain two things:

-I don't remember who said it, but I completely agree with it: Henry's monologue makes so much more sense if we look at it like someone possessed by an ancient evil eldrich being.

-Henry *absorbs* his victims. Remember how in Season 3 the Meat Flayer *absorbed* residents in Hawkins to grow stronger? I think the Massacre started as Henry clearing a path so he and Eleven could escape, but eventually the Shadow overtook him, telling him to keep going, keep killing, get him/it stronger by absorbing everyone, all those kids with powers like his.

I think the same thing happened at dinner in 1959.

I don't know what Henry's beef with Alice was or why he killed her, and I don't think he knew either. I think the Shadow Monster clouded his mind and judgement so he would kill everyone unimpeeded. His mother went first, the sticking point. The Flayer promised Henry it would help him deal with her, but once he did that, it was essentially Doctor Faustus signing his soul to Mephistopheles (if you'll excuse the too-appropriate reference). Too much power comes at a price, and that price is Henry's autonomy.

Oh, the Mind Flayer lets Henry shape it into the spider-like creature he'd visualized oh so long ago to let him believe he's the one in control, but he's not. The Shadow keeps poisoning him, his mind. How else do you think Henry decayed so throroughly?

I expect if you were to banish the Mind Flayer from Henry like they did Will in season 2, everything would go back to normal. He'd be human again. Powerless, sure, but he's no longer a pawn with his distaste for humans exacerbated to the point of serial murder. It would take effort, but I think it's possible.

Show Henry that he was loved as a child. Victor loved him, Alice loved him, Virginia... tbd. Eleven showed him kindness in Hawkins Lab, that kindness she showed and those past memories might be the key to ending this...

Oh wait!

Boom.

#i'm spitballing #but it all makes sense to me i might just be bad at explaining it #henry's the pawn who thinks he's the king #the victim who thinks he's the villain #so what i'm saying is that if he dies at the end i'm gonna be so pissed off #stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things 5 #stranger things theories #the first shadow #stranger things the first shadow #henry creel #vecna #001 #the mind flayer

[lunaencantada]

I don't know about you, but I fear the day that we have a canon sexuality for Bruno because whatever it is, some people will be angry.

I see a lot of people with OCs that are ladies, so I suspect that they want Bruno to like girls. Then you have people who watch him and read his story as the gay uncle whose name the family don't speak, so, achillean. And I think the option of aro and/or ace is popular too? And right now everyone is having a great time with their headcanons, everything is valid.

But Jared Bush doesn't want to answer anything about this topic. He is doing that with the things they want to explore in the future. And yeah, I can imagine the grandkids asking why he is single. They'll make a canon story about that. And some people will be disappointed or angry.

My worst fear? I'm ok with everything, but I guess I can't trust Disney (talking about the company, not the people actually making the movie and trying their best).

I would love Bruno being aro/ace. I crave asexual representation. The A spectrum is so big, they can try so many options (I usually think about him like an ace with a tentative interest in romance). But. Can I trust them to do a nice representation? And, can I trust the fandom who see him as alosexual to be ok with it? Because, I don't want to think bad, but I watched so many dramas in other fandoms... I'm not ready to read more shit about us. I can't do that anymore, I'm tired.

Bruno being gay? Amazing. I love the idea. Beloved character being achillean, nice. But we are talking about Disney. Every year we have a new "the first openly gay person in a disney movie!!!" and is always a background character saying one line or kissing their partner really fast, super easy to cut if they need it. I don't know about the situation in other countries, but here in Spain there is a group of people who are trying to boycott Lightyear because Oh No TwO wOmEn KiSsEd. Encanto is SUPER popular. Bruno is very popular. Some people will be so angry if he is gay. Would Disney risk their public opinion for this? Uuuh.

And if he is hetero or at least they show him having interest in women... It's ok! The movie is not about LGBTQ+ experiences, I don't expect Disney to try more representations after using the "latino representation card" (Too much for them, they'll cry). And we’ll have more opportunities with the rest of the family if we are lucky. But if they go with "he wanted but everyone was wary of him, so Bruno couldn't find a girl" ..... I'll die if the incel community find him relatable or something like that 💀 Or... Imagine if they use Bruno being neurodivergent as the excuse of why no woman wanted to marry him, because he is "strange". More 💀💀

So yeah, I don't know. I'm happy right now. Everyone is having fun. You can read/write about any option or ignore the topic completely. But some day...

#encanto #encanto disney #encanto headcanons #bruno madrigal #my thoughts #I have the feeling that with Camilo and Isabela we'll have a similar problem #Isabela aro/ace? lesbian? nice #but she only said that she didn't want to marry one (1) guy #The problem can be Mariano and idk they may introduce Bubo again #We don't know her and I don't think she knows herself either

[amateurletariat]

I recently brought up P2025 to the in-laws, and was met basically with:

"I will rephrase my question and pose it again: "What has actually happened? Not whether some groups disagree with you, or whether they propose legislation you disapprove of, or whether they disseminate views contrary to yours." Surely that is the mark of a free society rather than a tyranny. But no tangible changes have arisen. When 38 states ratify a Constitutional amendment outlawing all but 2 gender identities, let me know. Until then, the expression "a tempest in a teapot" comes to mind."

It frustrated the hell out of me and I definitely got short with them for what part of the rest of the exchange I could handle.

Well today I was finally able to come up with what felt like a decent response, and I'm throwing the rough draft up here.

I was asked "What has actually happened?"

I would like to address that here.

Anti-trans legislation that has passed so far is up to a count of 83. https://translegislation.com/bills/2023/passed

Things that have happened:

Book bans. If we're not allowed to learn about a topic how can we fight for or against it? Intentionally foisting ignorance of the existence of a population is one of the first steps of genocide.

Bills that force trans people to use public bathrooms that match their assigned gender at birth. This would force someone post transition into the wrong bathroom. Think a trans male that looks like the Rock being forced into the women's room.

Drag bans. Claiming drag, or any queer person simply existing, as being inherently sexual is one of many ways to erase us from the public eye. It is also used in the excuse of 'save the children' to prevent any so‐called perversion from being present.

'Don't Say Gay' in FL. Teachers are forbidden from "discussing or instructing" on any kind of sexual orientation or gender identity in the classroom, specifically K-3. Talking about hetero-normativity is not banned, however. This has opened the door to bans on discussion in older groups, as well.

Bills claiming to be about parental rights. These bills claim that school admins must automatilly report if a student expresses interest or asks to be called a different name or gender, forcibly outing them to parents in ways that may be unsafe. If a student doesn't feel comfortable coming out to their parents, that is a very likely indicator that it would be dangerous to do so.

Sports bans. Denying access to people that already have to go through HRT, and an incredible amount of testing to ensure a level playing field, is another way to prevent us from engaging in public life.

Outright bans on gender affirming care for anyone under 18. We have a plethora of evidence that shows preventing trans people, including trans youth, from accessing gender affirming care increases risks for things like self harm and suicide.

~~~

Trans people have a propensity for mental health issues, but that's primarily caused by anti-trans rhetoric at all levels.

People in congress are trying to push for trans people in the military to be stripped of gender affirming care.

People at the state level are banning trans people from bathrooms and public life.

People at the city level are doing the same.

Groups and individuals regularly target queer people with words and with violence.

Some other queer folx are even against trans rights, with movements like 'LGB drop the T' and similar.

When we are dismissed outright, or invalidated, when we are murdered at higher rates than most, we have dire need of substantial support. This means people educating themelves instead of relying on one or two people close to them. That means listening when we are distressed. That means understanding that just because you aren't aware of something or experiencing it first-hand that it isn't actually happening.

I am part of multiple groups that have been attacked and othered for most of our history.

I am neurodivergent ~ Autism and ADHD among others. I'm sure I don't need to go into detail about how ND folx have been and still are treated. Disability "benefits" are currently made to prevent us from having viable opportunity. Ableism is ingrained in our society.

I am jewish ~ We have been hunted down since the advent of the catholic church. Pogroms have been worldwide for millenia. Antisemitism is ramping up once again. I, and most of the jews I know, are tired and wary and scared.

I am queer ~ The gay panic of the 80s in which the government turned a blind eye to those suffering from AIDS. Gay marriage only began to be legalized less than 2 decades ago, and only became nationwide 8 years ago. My own mother took steps to do what she saw as curbing queer tendencies in me. Homophobia and transphobia are still quite prevalent, and we have much more work to do to ensure equality.

I am mixed race, including native ~ I think we all understand what is implied here. Native land has been regularly stolen for the exploitation of natural resources, to the extreme detriment of inhabitants.

Intersectionality abounds, amirite?

I was brought up not knowing any of that about myself. My education was white-washed and I didn't learn just how bad it has been for minority groups until I started educating myself.

I didn't learn who I truly was because information and experiences that were not pre-approved or considered 'appropriate' weren't allowed.

I was blamed and punished for being 'difficult' rather than anyone understanding I wasn't neurotypical.

My whole life I've been inundated with antisemitism..Learning about how jewish people were segregated from public life has made it more possible to see the parallels in anti-trans legislation today.

I didn't learn that the nazis destroyed *the* gender studies institute, until last year.

I wasn't taught about the trail of tears, except that it happened. A blurb in a textbook.

All this to say that while steps have been made to make things better for more people, there is *significant* pushback to reverse any social equality progress that has been made.

~

When I tried to bring up my concerns before, I felt outright dismissed. Entirely so. As though my concerns were entirely unfounded. That was incredibly invalidating and hurt immensely.

Please do the legwork of educating yourselves on issues that may not affect you. Getting to calmly debate matters of rights and economics is a privelege of those not under legislative assault.

[gugf]

Here's a bunch of my headcanons for the main trio. It's either funny or edgy, no in between. Hope you enjoy!

Duck:

- unironically considers himself "not like other birds"

- his family are literally a bunch of normal ducks living in a pond with whom he constantly quarrels

- has been scammed on every single existing fraud. yes before each of them he said "i know all their tricks! i'm completely sure they won't fool me again!"

- neurodivergent vibes are STRONG

- gay and homophobic

- ignorant as fuck but a proud individual

- curious but at the same time really really stubborn. If he doesn't want to believe in something he completely closes eyes on any evidence until something undeniable (probably traumatic) shatters his perception in the end. this and his arrogace makes him really easy to manipulate

- if Yellow is Red's inner child, and Roy is his inner adult, I'd like to think that Duck is more like "friend he always wanted to have"

- haptophobic, even if he doesn't know about this yet (yes, this hc is entirely based on his and Steak interactions in dhmis 5)

- thinks that Red is the only one who truly understands him, to all creatures prefers to spend time with him. (even if by design)

- surely loves Yellow in his own way. Often tries to teach him, but it's not quite working out. (Fuck, I only now realised that his usual attitude to Yellow could be him mimicking his own family relationships)

- has no clue about how violent the world can be to him... (well soon he'll know, soon he'll know...😢)

- doesn't really like Roy, because he is too touchy

Red:

- his attitude is basically could be described as an adult living in a world created by a child

- at this point doesn't really take Yellow and Duck somewhat seriously, it's more like older brother and his younger siblings dynamic

- depression and a mid life crisis (even if i headcanon him being like 20)

- "yes, guys, like, everyone had that thing that you are constantly being stared at by some weird dude who always ruins the weather and you with your imaginary friends boy and duck need to stay at home again, right guys?" ..."you're fired"

- self esteem problems

- he and that guy from Swim And Sleep Like A Shark could well be the same person. like, both have red hair, like horses and have very similar pattern of speech. btw birthday on the same date. also i like to think about him as being a sort of early prototype of Red's character

- somewhat likes being the smartest person in the whole Clayhill, even if it could be annoying sometimes

- the chillest one because knows for sure that he is not in danger

- gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss

- at this point if he sees Roy anywhere near his house, he'll move to the forest without any warning

Yellow:

- he is definitely the most innocent of the bunch, but this totally doesn't mean that he is incapable of violence

- everyone is so mean to me..... 😞🍑 (but they are)

- animal lover, but the pets he allowed to bring home are usually really small, and die after like, a week. Duck and Red say that "it got homesick so it ran back to the forest". even if it's a fish.

- i like to think that he is sorta idolizes Duck and thinks he is the smartest person in the entire world (he's not)

- spends most of his time with him, because they both are really naive and always get dragged in some traumatic adventure. but unlike Duck he has an age excuse

- has A LOT of scarfs and hats. Duck's hobby is weaving so this things need to go somewhere. to this day no one knows what Yellow does with all of that

- has no pride at all. give him a candy and he will immediately forgive you, even if you violently slaughtered his pet rat in front of his very eyes and laughed about this in his face

- literally has no mother. she never existed in the first place. also he is technically older than his dad, because Roy appeared the last of them all

- very easily excitable. shake keys in front of him, and he will be happy for the whole day

- "where's my dad?"

#dhmis #don't hug me i'm scared #dhmis duck #dhmis red guy #dhmis yellow guy #dhmis headcanons

[paras-doxical]

Hi! I'm Vash, and this is my para blog. I use any neos along with they/it. I am an adult.

I am the creator of the term paraqueer.

I am strictly anti-contact for any paras that would nonconsensual if acted upon. Children and animals can never consent.

I have multiple paras, and I am neurodivergent.

My 'DNI'/stances explanation

Pro-contact, contact neutral, or contact complex - children and animals cannot consent.

I consider myself a radinclu and am a mspec gay. If you exclude mspec lesbians/gays or lesboys/turigirls, you probably won't like my account. I also include all aspecs, not limited to: aromantics, asexuals, folks who don't use the split attraction model, loveless folks, aplatonics, alloaros, aroaces, alloaces, oriented and angled aroaces, aspec paras, and any others I may have forgotten.

I am anti harassment. If you harass people for their ships or believe it's okay to do so, you will get blocked.

If you are anti kink or kink critical—why are you interacting with this blog? You can't support paraphiles but not kinksters.

If you are a radqueer, I would feel more comfortable if you didn't interact. Not every radqueer is a bad person, but so many of them are and do not respect boundaries or excuse others who are doing bad things. If you are willing to learn, you may interact with this account.

TransID skeptical—I am willing to talk about TransID alternatives, but please don't bring discourse about TransIDs onto this account.

If you are pro-IRL consang (consensual incest), please do not interact with me for my own comfort

'Narcissistic abuse' does not exist. PwNPD are not secretly abusers and do not have a special way of abusing others that cannot be described in other terms, such as emotional abuse.

#vash.txt #para safe #pro para #paraqueer #anti contact #paraphilia #paraphile #para

[sleepy-gee]

Fluffmas Masterpost (Finished)

i'm aware that im extremely late for christmas but i was swamped with finals for weeks so i wasnt able to start this until just now, my apologies </3 anyways in celebration of christmas, i will be writing as many self insert fics as i can all varying in fandoms n prompts, and will have them listed here for easy access. they will also all get their own respective posts :3 (click read more for the full list and happy holidays! x)

#1 - let it snow: ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: My Chemical Romance Gerard/GN!Reader. Your first Christmas with your husband. Rated G, no warnings. Pure fluff.

#2 - picking up the pieces: ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: The Hunger Games Peeta Mellark/GN! Reader. First Christmas after the rebellion. Rated T. Hurt/comfort. Most winter themed than Christmas.

#3 - sugar, spice, and everything nice: ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: Five Nights at Freddy's Mike Schmidt/GN!Reader. Mike wasn't much of a Christmasy person, you discovered early in your relationship with him. Anytime you brought up holiday plans, he'd give you dry or uninterested responses, patience running thin whenever you would keep bringing it up or pressing it. Established relationship (could be read as gen honestly) with some light angst, borrows some ideas from my au but not connected to it whatsoever.

#4 stay with me: ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: The Hunger Games Finnick Odair/GN!Reader. The Victory Tour being conveniently placed in the holiday season leads to some lonely nights. Thankfully, you're not alone. pre relationship/very beginning of relationship, mostly plotless just hurt/comfort, more winter themed than christmasy but shh, pre-canon

#5 snowed in : ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: My Chemical Romance Gerard Way/GN!Reader A snow storm blows out the power, leaving you trapped in an ATM vestibule with a certain celebrity crush of yours. (Heavily inspired by that one episode of FRIENDS ngl) meet cute, plotless/mostly fluff, celebrity/fan dynamic, takes place in '07

#6 the weather outside is frightful : ao3 / tumblr

Fandom: My Chemical Romance / Danger Days Party Poison/Male!Reader Christmas in the Zones- Who would've thought such a thing existed? It's barely celebrated because of hundreds of reasons- The desert isn't the most Christmas-y climate, everything you find is used for survival, and there aren't any goddamn trees to decorate. Still, that doesn't mean the spirit of it is lost- Renamed 'Giving Day', celebrated through a vigil, you find yourself getting the best, yet most unexpected gift of all. lots of unnecessary world building but my excuse is that im neurodivergent also you can ignore that the reader is male if you want im just gay, lots of pining,

#ficmas #12 days of fluffmas #fluffmas 2023 #multifandom #mcr #rpf #more tags to be added #fanfiction #ao3 #thg fic #peeta mellark #thg peeta #fnaf #fnaf movie #mike schmidt #gerard way #finnick odair #thg finnick #party poison #ttlotfk #danger days

[big-pp-energy-ven]

This is just a miscellaneous post of my inner rants, I expect no one to engage with this other than myself when I find this post in like 5 years from now

Based on the previous reblog where it was poll on what kind of gay I was in high school, I was a choir kid (derogatory)

I say derogatory because,,, I had mix feelings about it.

I got into choir in 7th grade middle school, and was in choir up until 12th grade of high school (excluding the covid year, I was online). That's almost 5 years of choir.

Those first 3 years were alright, I might even say great. I had pretty good directors, I especially liked my 8th grade director- excusing that one time she yelled at me tho and made me cry... (maybe).

Middle school choir was about what you expect, I feel like it wasn't all that serious. No proper techniques, just... singing to the crowd. The only shit that was a constant issue was drama amongst the clique of 11-13 year olds. My 8th grade director was great cuz she gossiped with us and she fr kinda ate... she was a middle aged latina woman who had a new jersey accent... loved how real she was.

Then I get to high school choir, and of course everything is different. The director, who we called "Mama", was the sweetest woman and she made choir the best for me. She was like my 8th grade director but more sassier and a loud mouth (affectionate)

You might be saying- what was so bad about choir?

All I will say, the one thing that Mama would get on our asses about whenever we weren't meeting her expectations was attitude and egos. I've seen how some my classmates acted... she was right in most cases.

Something to admit, right off the bat, being in choir for those 3 years was the 2nd time I had ever felt lonely. I mean, 10th grade concert choir, is when I made friends with people I'm currently friends with now! It's funny because I remember seeing how my buddies interacted and I thought they were weird... but then I gradually warmed up to them and realized that I was just as weird.. (that's on that neurodivergent behavior).

While I did make friends with those weirdos (affectionate), I recognized that I spent most of my time alone. Quiet and just watching the other choir students talk and stuff. Whenever someone did talk to me, I remained friendly and said hi, but it always felt kind of forced. Like I couldn't exactly hold a long-lasting conversation. I think I spent more time listening/watching than actually talking. I did have to force myself to talk to people and be a part of a group, I didn't wanna be completely alone. Even in 12th grade, I tried my best to put myself out there... but there weren't a lot of people I vibed with except maybe like 5 of them (there were at least 50 people, btw).

I was in the beginner choir for 2 years, I was supposed to go to the bella voce (all women's) choir my 11th grade year, but covid happened...

So it was surprising when I was chucked in chamber (advanced) in 12th grade. You had to audition and do an interview to get in, and you would be added according to the schedule. Mama always found a way to get in you in multiple choirs... but I was surprised when I was put in there, cuz I didn't have to do any of it.

Mama always mentioned how she saw the best in us and knew who was hard working. Me, however, didn't see that.

I think that's when I started to develop imposter syndrome or at least started to notice it. I felt like I didn't belong in chamber. Everyone in there were great singers and were in theater as well. I know I shouldn't have been comparing myself, but it's kinda hard when you're surrounded by so much talent

I remember we were having a discussing and Mama was asking if we saw ourselves as an ensemble (a person who works collectively with their group) or a soloist (someone who's having a performance of their own... /negative). Most answered ensemble. I answered soloist, and when I explained my own reasoning, I said something like "It's not that I'm intentionally singing alone, I don't feel like I'm apart of the ensemble and I'm my own island." Mama took note of that.

I worked to better my vocals, I sang during karaoke days, and I was considered one of the strongest altos in my section, but I still felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. Senior year had become a weird period where choir became my least favorite class unlike before... I didn't hate it, but it became something I didn't look forward to.

The rehearsals felt monotonous, the drama felt constant, the current state of the world was no longer the same, and I had to worry about passing, so choir wasn't my top priority exactly. I still did what I needed to do during those last 40 minutes of the day, but outside of choir, I was focused on other stuff.

My friends were either in different choirs or were doing dual enrollment, so I was alone for the most part in that class period. Yes, I had friends outside of choir, but I only saw them during lunch. I feel like senior year was lonely... that 1 hour lunchtime didn't seem like enough time.

Now, MPA (basically a choir exam) was coming up, and we have these really advanced pieces we're performing. Mama, love her to death, was working us to the bone. She was harsh. She was critical, but I'd say it was mostly tough love... and this was also when the interpersonal drama started to ramp up, and she had gotten involved to some extent. A lot was happening now (..uh time frame, this was early 2022).

There was one day where the tension was... well tense. And Mama was not having it with us. I was stressed out of my mind at this point, I felt like I wasn't working hard enough, and it felt like I was experiencing the weight of the situation.

The rehearsal went on, and she distinctly told us, "You're gonna close your eyes and sing this right. If you open your eyes, then you aren't taking this seriously, and you don't have the right to be in this choir."

That, for some reason, got me. In the middle of the song, I got choked up and was so ridden with anxiety and sadness that I froze up. I was rubbing my pants' legs and shaking, all with my eyes closed. One of the guest teachers had to touch me to calm me down.

Of course, there was discussion afterward... I was put on the spotlight. I don't even remember what I said, but I spoke out how I felt about the performance. I was mess. I still think about that day because it makes me feel exhausted thinking about it. I remember how much I wanted to quit after that. It's been a year since that happened. I don't know why I felt so burdened during that rehearsal. It might've been due to my own fears of failing, I already had the constant thought of not being good enough and not belonging. I still don't know what set me off to this day.

I find it a little messed up to say that I was happy when I left choir and graduated. I remember seeing my choir mates crying and hugging the seniors. Meanwhile, I was just happy to get out of there. I did say goodbye to one of my favorite underclassmen. I felt no attachments to the choir anymore. The only reason why I cried is because it was due to seeing two of my favorite teachers front row (Mama and my English teacher). That got me, god.

Mama was a great teacher in terms of how she taught and lifted us up. Not only that, she was a good counselor... she was very vulnerable with us, and that, in turn, made us vulnerable with her, and she's the most supportive teacher on campus. I hope she still works there.

The only things I did enjoy from choir were the songs. I can remember a few of them. Also, I'll never forget that I listened to Ubi Caritas for 2 hours straight... I learned it, though. I can't listen to it, thought without feeling sad, as it reminds me of that rehearsal day.

My dad always asks if I'm still singing, and I would say not really... I mean, I do sing on occasion, but I still don't think I'm good. I don't see myself joining the singing career. I still have moments, though, where if/when I listen to someone sing, I listen to techniques and silently correct them. I'm glad I'm more focused on visual arts than performance arts... I was in tech theater though, that was fun.

Sorry for anyone that happened to read this entire mini Bible.. I've had this on my mind for a year.

#ven speaks #ven lore #choir kid (derogatory) #text post #story time #i still love choir music #i bump religious choir songs every so often #especially my old choir recordings... #i be throwing it back to Didnt my Lord.

[tillywhim]

I wasn't going to write about this but...

It's been playing on my mind over and over so I thought what better than to write it down, get other people's opinions and at least, if nothing else, I can stop thinking about it and go to sleep. Hopefully.

Hannah (daughter #1) rings me late this afternoon in floods of tears, when I've calmed her down as best as I can, she's able to tell me what the problem is. Lincoln, my eldest grandson who is 10 years old has been suspended from school for a week starting from Monday. I'm sure most of you know that he has Autism and other Neurodivergent issues which are still being investigated but, when it comes to right or wrong, that's no excuse, he knows which is which.

I ask her what he's done to be excluded. Turns out he has thrown a stone at another child whilst out on the school yard, the stone has hit this child and caused a cut just below their eyebrow. Quite rightly, Lincoln has been punished. He's been punished at home as well, he's lost his privileges which means his gaming system has been taken out of his bedroom and he's no access to the internet or tv. All well and good.

I ask why he's done it. He's not known for lashing out at people, he's never been a bully so there must be some reason for him to do something so out of character. There is and it's bad. It's clench your fists and grit your teeth bad. The child in question had been and this is the head teacher's words "taunting him" during play time. How? By following him around the playground telling him that his Nana is a "dirty Nword", his dad is a "dirty Nword" and he is a "gay, dirty Nword"!

Is it any wonder he reacted as he did? To be honest, I'm surprised he didn't do more to the child. There are words, not just swear words, that should not be used by anybody for any reason at any time. That is one of those words.

Lincoln has a suspension. I asked what is happening about the other child, are they being suspended too? Have school recorded this as an incident of racist bullying because that is what it is, it doesn't matter how Lincoln reacted. No. No action is being taken against the other child even though they instigated the whole situation.

I'm seething. I'm furious. I've spoken with Lincoln's Nana, she's heartbroken, she grew up in the late 60's early 70's being called that vile word and other, equally foul things. She didn't imagine she'd be getting called it by a child who's recently come to the country from eastern Europe in 2022. She didn't imagine she'd be called it by anyone in 2022.

Tomorrow (today looking at the clock), I'm emailing Ofsted to complain, not about Lincoln's punishment, as I said, he reacted badly, but about the school's lack of racial awareness and anti racial bullying policy, Hannah and Lincoln's nana are emailing them as well. Hannah was also ringing the police this evening to report it as a hate crime, no doubt she will let me know what they have to say about it. On Monday, she is going to ring the LEA (local education authority) and raise a complaint with them about it.

#racisim #stop racism in schools