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#idk what terms we’re using for it but. god
swordbeliever · 2 months
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tried to vent in a trans space about how, as a trans man who’s been on T for a long time (over 7 years now), i have noticed that the more i pass as a man, the less welcomed i am in queer spaces unless i go out of my way to feminize myself. and how that sucks! and it’s isolating!!! and it feels horrible to see ppl who used to like you and be close to you drift further and further the more masculine (& therefore more comfortable in urself) u become…
only to get ppl replying to me and saying “well if you dressed more fem then ppl wouldn’t be intimidated by you. you signed up for this”
i’m sorry but i didnt sign up for social isolation when i transitioned, i signed up for gender euphoria and comfort in myself and my life. and i had hoped that the ppl in my life would be able to see how much joy that brings me and continue to love me.
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midnightsslut · 9 months
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the way taylor singlehandedly repaired my relationship with my high school best friend
#(I gave her a code for the eras tour and now we’re going to the same show next year possibly together)#anyway she’s leaving for college tonight apparently and texted me and like#eh#god#I’m so emo#that was such a huge hole in my life and like no it hasn’t been filled obviously we’re just on better terms but#idk I have relative closure now considering I was crying to the tour version of seven this time last month#anyway I don’t normally use tumblr as my pwsonal diary but whatever#really wish I’d had the balls to say ‘let’s meet up’ when we were in the same city but I swear I thought she’d be leaving later#not that it would’ve changed much#but maybe we could’ve idk talked about it#don’t even know how I feel#like what happened? she’s horrible at communicating so I don’t even know#but it’s so wild like this person I probably knew better than anyone and like I still feel like I know her#but sometimes I doubt myself like do I know her anymore?#do I?#there’s just so much#it feels like I’m haunted by the ghost of who that person was to me#and I just. wanted us to be close again so fucking bad. and I don’t know if she did or not I honestly have no idea#but sometimes it just doesn’t happen? she isn’t who she was back then#and neither am I#or maybe she just isn’t showing me that version of herself anymore#like she put up a wall#ehh#it was the most intense connection of my life#anyway now that I’ve laid it all bare in the notes the post no longer makes sens#hope she thinks of me sometimes#and I know she does but I also don’t bc she’s Different now#hope she remembers me fondly#maybe we’ll finally discuss it all next summe
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tailsz · 9 months
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Bungo Stray dogs Boyfriend headcannons!
NSFW INCLUDED‼️‼️
Tumblr media
Includes: Atsuhi, Dazai, Kunikida, Ranpo, Akutagawa, Chuuya, Fydor, Sigma, Nikolai.
A/N: we are going to ignore the fact that i haven’t updated in a month…
ANYWAYS ILL SEE WHAT FANDOM IS NEXT 😝😝
—————————————————————————————————————
Atsuhi!🐯
Oh he was definitely panicking when he came to terms that he liked you😓
If you so much as grazed any of your body parts onto him he will actually die
AND NGL HE WOULD AVOID YOU??? you were left dumbfounded 😒
Dazai had to be the one spilling the tea that atsuhi likes you because atsuhi REFUSED to confess (Dazai thought teasing him would help. IT DID NOT HELP.)
Oh my god and when y’all start dating he’s even more on edge for like the first couple of weeks, it honestly concerned you
BUT ONCE HE CALMED DOWN
he is the whole package of ‘Perfect Boyfriend!’ 💐
he will literally break his BACK for you, he wants to make sure you’re happy for the rest of your life<3
So if you’re a fellow member of the ADA, he would like discreetly HINT to the others and the president that he wants to take as many missions w/ u as possible (it was BARELY discreet but it worked 😍‼️)
Y’all have matching PJ’S 😋( it’s a white and orange tiger onesies 🤭)
he made you one of those friendship bracelets with each-others initials (he has yours, and you have his<:)
The first time he tried to make you breakfast in bed, he dropped it all on you and the bed ☠️
(HE IS SO CLUMSY LIKE DUDE???)
he always comes to you when he feels one of his PTSD attacks coming
(you cuddle him for like 1-2 hours)
you can never guarantee your safety anywhere, but with you, he feel safe 24/7 <3
HE ABSOLUTELY LOVES BINGING SAPPY ROMANCE SHOWS WITH U. ESPECIALLY LOVE TRIANGLES
Y’all always fighting with who the main girl is gonna end 😒 HE IS MOSTLY ALWAYS RIGHT TOO
y’all split paper work up! WHICH MAKES YALL SUPER PRODUCTIVE (y’all come in second to kunikida that man does NOT play 😓)
he loves holding your wrist insted of ur hand when walking (he’s autistic idk man)
NSFW!!
Oh boy he is a submissive top😓
Like he’s always trying to pleasure you sexually or not
BUT WHAT GETS HIM HELLA TURNED ON.
is when you dominated him and order him around while he’s doing so 👏
i want to say he’s pretty vanilla BUT HE IS NOT AGAINST USING TOYS.
this one time you convinced him to wear a toy in public 🤭
it actually gave him a heart attack when anyone would talk to him bc you would turn it out and let me tell u rn. HE IS LOUD.
while nobody else noticed.. DAZAI DID .N HE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IT DOWN.
dazai always brings THAT up when atsuhi refuses to do his paperwork 😓
he likes it when you sit on his face 🤭 he doesn’t need oxygen wdym
HE LOVES REVERSE COWGIRL
MY GOD DOES HE LOVE THIGH HIGHS‼️‼️
god the moment he sees you wearing them he’s BEGGING you to let him touch n taste you 🗣️
HE LEAVES SO MANY BITE MARKS ON YOUR THIGHS 🙏🙏🙏
he is absolutely into overstimulation
he TRIES to hide his kinks but like. HE IS SUCH A CLUTS AND A BAD LIAR 🔥
his aftercare is the best ! he brings u some sweets, cleans u up, and puts on a trashy movie to watch !
HE IS A THIGH MAN ‼️
—————————————————————————————————————
DAZAI‼️❤️‍🩹
oh jesus christ okay um.
for you to enter a relationship with osamu in his ADA era. YOU WOULDVE TO HAVE KNOWN HIS SINCE HIS DARK ERA.
We all know osamu is. a womanizer so THATS PART OF THE REASON
the main reason is because you 2 are traumatized teenagers who found comfort in eachother 😓
but anyways he asked u out in the most . RANDOM-EST WAYS EVER??
HE ASKED U OUT WHEN YALL GOT INTO THE ADA 😓
he asked u out in morse code. U WERE SCARED AT FIRST BC YOU THOUGHT YALL WE’RE BEING FOLLOWED (he grabbed ur hand and squeezed out morse code to clarify)
so u asked him to repeat it again and
you just stopped walking, and in morse code asked if he was being serious HE WAS‼️‼️
honestly. YALL ARE THAT COUPLE THAT CHECK PPL OUT?? YK WHAT I MEAN
like y’all could be walking and this fine ass man walks past y’all AND YOU BOTH TURN YOUR NECK TO LOOK
YALL GET SO SILLY WHEN YOU DO
a couple should never shame the fact that people are hot 😓
ERM U GOT HIM INTO SKIN CARE
well actually he just likes it bc he makes u do it for him 😒
U GUYS PLAY FIGHT A LOT , AS IN INSULTS NOT PHYSICALLY (y’all have to calm down the office bc they think y’all r being fr 😓)
oh em gee , date nights for y’all is just. Buying like 2 bottles of whiskey or vodka and drink it ALLL in your shared apartment ‼️
U CANNOT KEEP A SECRET FROM HIM ITS SO ANNOYING
u TRIED to make him a surprise birthday party BUT NOOOOO (asshole smh 😒)
after a certain point, he lets u help him change his bandages <3 for once in his life, he can put trust in someone like this :D
… YALL LISTEN TO THE WEEKEND RELIGIOUSLY ‼️‼️‼️‼️
NSFW!!
HE IS A DOMINANT SWITCH ‼️‼️
it doesn’t matter if he’s being the top it bottom. HE IS GOING TO BE IN CHARGE NO MATTER WHAT
he is SO MEAN
oh he will 100% humiliate and mock u during the whole thing
he has. LONG AND I MEAN LONGGGG ASS FINGERS. ( he likes to finger you before fucking you 🤭🤭)
CERTIFIED ORGASM DENIER⁉️
he will deny your orgasm because he can. NO REASON WHATSOEVER HE IS A JACKASS
HE LIKES MISSIONARY . he LOVES to see your fucked out face 😓
he is very much into public sex/ teasing
this one time when he actually came into a meeting, you being the genius you are.. started to rub his dick with your shoe under the table 😍🙏
you were so smug about the fact that after the meeting you left him alone
yea you weren’t so smug when he dragged you to a bathroom and fucked your brains out 😓
HE LIKES IT WHEN U PULL HIS HAIR
he isn’t that loud little grunts here in there but. HE WILL DO IT IN YOUR EAR🙏🙏
oh he leaves SO MANY HICKEYS ON UR NECK⁉️ u don’t have enough time to cover them so u just . HAVE TO SUCK IT UP N GO TO WORK LIKE THAT☹️
yosano gave u the side eye with a wink 😚
his aftercare is kinda. shit..
U HAVE TO DO IT 😓😓 but that’s ok ig knowing him this long, it’s not that surprising (he appreciates u doing it <3)
kunikida 👨‍🏫
ERM SO YOU LIKED HIM FIRST RIGHT
But the things is , you barely met his standards in his notebook HE DIDNT TELL U THAT BUT HE WAS A LITTLE CONFLICTED ON WHAT TO DO.
so he went to dazai …… DAZAI SET YALL UP ON A DATE BC HES THE BEST WINGMAN 💪
he honestly had a wonderful time on the date and said SCREW my notebook (for the first time in his life 😓)
he can and will switch from boyfriend to parent at you ☹️
like let’s say your life isn’t rlly great
HE WILL SWITCH IT UP FOR U SO ??? EFFECTIVELY???
he lets u braid his hair SOMETIMES 😒
you asked him one time if y’all could match nail colors (not acrylics they’re not the best for the job)
YALL ROCKED THAT PRETTY OCEAN BLUE NAIL COLOR FOR A MONTH ‼️‼️ 💅
after u taught him the basics of makeup, HE LOVES DOING YOURS
(he actually got better than u… ur a little salty..)
he liked it when u give him forehead kisses :D
he shames u for watching trashy TV BUT THE SECOND HE SEES 90 day marriage he BINGES IT WITH U (i forgot the actual name)
NSFW!!
ok let’s be for real.
this man is a dominant top 🙏
like in the battle feild, he likes being in control, when your on his bed, he likes being in control
when u act like a brat insted of punishing u by fucking u in whatever way (edging or spanking)
HE WILL REFUSED TO TOUCH U
like he’ll get u all hot (and wet) JUST for him not to touch u
him being taunted by a man child at work (dazai) he very much knows how to deal with them
he likes it when u pull on his pony tail 🤭🤭
he’s not THAT kinky however he does have a red rope under his bedddddd..
HE LOVES TITS MAN LIKE 😓😓
no matter how big, he will leave so many bite marks on them 🤭
he likes bending you over a desk/bed when he fucks you 😓
he is very sweet when fucking you, showering you in praises ‼️‼️
however he can last a very LONG time so get ready for that overstimulation !!
His aftercare is pretty standard! he runs a shower for the 2 of u so y’all can be all cute and sentimental <3
HE IS A TITS GUY (duh)‼️‼️‼️
—————————————————————
Ranpo🍩 (if ykyk)
OK SO YALLS CASE IS
you fell first, but he feel harder <3
Because cmon. U cannot keep a secret from this man for the life of you😒
like he deducted that you had feelings for him
and that got him thinking, but this thinking lasted for a while so HE KEPT ON THINKING ABOUT YOU
and at some point yosano asked if he was ok , and he was like “no… i’m in LOVE??? YUCK”
you feel in love with a man child 😓😓
he confessed to u… IN THE MIDDLE OF A MURDER CASE YALL WERE WORKING ON….
NOW ONTO THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP
you guys are so unserious YALL ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE 😓😓 (y’all know when u need to be serious tho dw !)
u guys pull daily pranks of the agency NOT ON DAZAI THAT WHORE KNOWS 😒😒
he doodles on your hand when he’s hella bored 🤭
speaking of which !
you guys have a LOT of drawing contest 😋
DAWG YALL HIT UP THE CANDY STORE LIKE EVERY FRIDAY (you’re on ur way to be diabetic 😓😓)
HE IS A BLANKET HOGGER.
not only that he moves a lot while asleep WHICH U DO TOO
It’s a gamble to see who’ll wake up on the floor 🤷🏽‍♀️
shit talking is a must EVERY time y’all go out to eat ‼️‼️
YOU GUYS HAVE MATCHING BEANIES or whatever his hat is called (it was his idea 😋) u guys r so silly
SPEAKING OF SILLY…
y’all play roblox… U GUYS BULLY N SCAM LIL KIDS 😓😓 (ONLY UR ACC GOT BANNED BTW AND NOT HIS??? u were pissed 😒)
u gotta strap him down to drink water and eat at LEAST of fruits bc oh my god???
bro does not have the most healthiest diet but yk what thats ok be REAL
NSFW!!
he’s a dominant switch leaning more to bottoming..⁉️
and we ALL know why
U NEED TO PLEASE THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN THE WORLD DUH 🙏
he makes u please him FIRST before he even THINKS on laying a finger on you
oh but he knows what buttons to push to fluster you, get you in the mood, and how to get you even more hot and bothered 🤭
he has collar for u <3
MIRROR SEX 😓 he wants to make sure YOU see how stupid u get 💅
oh y’all 100% have sex in public, not for the thrill because he knows y’all won’t get caught
NO BECAUSE THIS GUY IS CLINGY AND NEEDY AS HELL😓
his sex drive is pretty high so YOURE IN FOR IT ALL (well he’s in you 🏃🏽‍♀️)
he is. SO. GOOD WITH HIS TOUNGE.
he eats you out like 4 times a week AND WHEN HE DOES
He can AND WILL make u come more than 1 time
HE WILL HUMILIATE U <33
100% overstimulates you by making YOU pleasure him (giving head , riding etc)
y’all split aftercare because god forbid he pampers you 😒 (he will if he knows it bothers you <33)
yall have a bath bubble bath after with rubber duckies 😋
50/50 chance yall fuck again 😓
HE IS A THIGH MAN.
Akutagawa🌑
ok so..😦
you guys met around the same time when u both got recruited by dark era dazai 😓😓
meaning well, dazai also trained you 🧍🏽‍♀️
it took him a while to trust you bc well having a horrid childhood PLUS having a very psychotic man training u in the mafia does something to u!
u would take care of each others wounds when needed too..<3
he confessed a little after dazai left the mafia
he wrote u a very straight forward note to meet up somewhere because he’s taking u out 🤗
(ik sounds hella delulu but if aku rlly does loves u, i feel like he would have a soft spot for u and would have no shame to show it to u and ONLY u :D)
y’all stargazed that night and swore to have each others back (that’s his way of saying ily <3)
onto the actual relationship!
he would absolutely rather DIE than do PDA
y’all train together and he does NOT go easy on you 😓
regardless on how he asked u out, that does not mean he changed his personality
he can and WILL be a dick to u , but that’s ok bc u fight back that’s kinda y’all’s thing 💅
you guys get up really early in the morning so, before work, y’all go to the same breakfast place every single day :D
u got along with Gin, and that was something he was hoping for u
when u guys are alone walking to a destination of a mission, we will hold ur pinkie <3
y’all talk in morse code a lot, whether y’all blink or tap ! (it’s mostly to make sure the other is ok)
it’s painfully obvious that he cannot express his feelings when he’s feeling like shit , so he does lash at you
you however, manage the situation perfectly , you do not blame him because you and him KNOW what he’s been through
however you tell him every time that u are not at fault to the reason he’s upset.
he grumbles an apology, while u smile warmly:D
as an apology he’s, a LESSER pain in the ass <3
No nsfw for aku, i HC that he is asexual !
—————————————————————
CHUUYA🎃
ok ok so 🏃🏽‍♀️
when chuuya got recruited into the mafia, you were already a subordinate to Kouyou
(you had recently joined too!)
You wielded a katana that supported your ability to the max which is why u we’re out under kouyou!
when you first lay eyes on him , you were infatuated (he is so pretty..)
though he barely trusted the mafia at the time, so it took him a while to fully trust you
and boy when he did
he never left your side<3
as you guys went up the ranks, Mori thought it would be best to have u as chuuyas right hand woman when he became executive (after dazai left anyway)
meaning.. YALL SPENT HELLA TIME TOGETHER….
he honestly was in denial about his feelings towards because the thought of another potential betrayal, especially from you?
so it took a while to confess, to the point where kouyou noticed and they had MANY talks abt it
enough to get him confidence and or reassurance
he asked u out in the most romantic way possible ‼️‼️‼️
he first of all took u out to dinner (which was a regular occurrence so u thought nothing of it)
HE PULL OUT A BIG ASS BOQUET OF FLOWERS WHILE U WERE CHEWING ON UR FOOD N ASKED 😦😦
ANYWAYS MOVING ONTO THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP
he is so??? fucking amazing???
his love language is buying you EXPENSIVE SHIT😨😨 (u don’t complain)
he wont do PDA bc like.. he doesn’t wants y’all business be shown to everyone
HOWEVER HE WILL BE ALLLL OVER U IF HES JELOUS ☠️ (this applies when osamu was still in the mafia, he would get hella touchy w/ u to piss chuuya off)
u make him carry u using his ability ‼️‼️
MATCHING WATCHES 🤭
y’all have arguments every now and then bc y’all have a very short temper ☠️
(y’all still apologize to eachother tho 😋 UNLESS THE FIGHT GETS YALL HELLA PETTY ☠️☠️)
every single time y’all fight and his and your subordinates witness it all ??
they all think “This again?”
u like sleeping LITERALLY on top of him HE DOESNT REALLY APPRECIATE NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE 😍😍
he lets u do his hair a lot 🙏🙏
SELF CARE NIGHTS R A MUST
if u don’t do it , he WILL get u into it
NSFW!!
he is a dominant switch babes..
no matter if he’s the one receiving or giving? he is the one ordering you around
he is so into BDSM
ik this is like stereotypical of him BUT.
the idea of red wine lingerie on you will make him bust on the spot.
MIRROR SEX🏃🏽‍♀️‼️
he loves calling you his little slut 😝
HAIR PULLING
and HELLA BITTING 🤯 (get it cuz he’s a vampire ha ha ha!!! /j)
contrary to popular belief, i think he’s into the risk of public sex
this. ONE. TIME. he was fingering you while yall were in a meeting..
GOD KNOWS HOW MORI DIDNT NOTICE BECAUSE IF HE DID.☠️
but you know who did? KOUYOU. she gave y’all the nastiest side eye and was left flabbergasted (HER TWO KIDS ARE DOING SUCH INDECENT SHIT???)
he absolutely loves it when you initiate the foreplay
he will ALSO make you deep throat him 😣
… gun kink..? 😞
he likes licking you ??? he’s cat i swear
THIGH MAN OH MY GOD
he CANNOT keep his hands off them..
he does the thing where he’s driving and his free hand is on your thigh
that’s like how 99.9% car sex happenes btw!
AFTER CARE 10/10
he runs you a bath
HE DRESSES YOU UP
he SETTELES YOU IN BED?
treats you like a god damn princess ‼️‼️
—————————————————————
FYDOR 🐀
erm ok so first
you gotta be a little delusional ok
because i have a feeling that if it were cannon him.. he would only be with you for his own entertainment so…
WE ARE GOING TO BE DELUSIONAL AND PRETEND THATS NOT THE CASE 😍‼️‼️
ok so…
you got recruited to the DOA by nikolai because he just found you loosing control of your ability??? (real y/n moment ‼️‼️)
he thought you were silly enough SO HE DRAGGED U ALONG
He did get a scolding by fydor for bringing a random stranger to their HQ? (what even is their building called ☠️)
he thought since you were already there… to get a good read at you and found you fascinating to say the least
He saw a TINT of innocence with.. rage?? he absolutely loved it
but then.. the more he “hung out” with you.. he started feeling this weird thing in his chest every time you popped into his mind..
he immediately knew what it is was and
he started avoiding you
because love isn’t something he needs right now
bros trying to take over the world and purify it not.. this.
the more he thought about it , his mind came up with the excuse that .. maybe your love can empower him..
AND HE BAUGHT IT
he asked you out so straight forward???
like y’all were in the middle of drinking tea and he just said “Would you like to take my hand in a relationship?”
and you spat out your tea and he did NOT repeat himself 😒
ONTO THE ACTUAL BF HC…
just because he loves and would set the world on fire for you… he still has high standards for you as a member of the DOA
he also likes to challenge you intellectually so you could (not rlly BUT STILL) keep up with him!
it actually has helped you tho! 
you guys have this little tradition of writting silly poems for eachother
it’s impossible to trick this man so.. you make him look for YOUR poems 😋 (the effort is there!)
he actually knows how to do makeup so he does yours on a regular basis! (it’s like between a casual goth look)
if you don’t have the same beliefs as him, he still appreciates the thought of you helping and supporting him
in one of his battles with the ADA, you were his trump card, dazai was left flabbergasted tbh
though he’s not high maintenance, he loves LOVES holding ur hand :D
y’all own a black kitty his name is Nova!
HES THE BEST CUDDLIER
oh my god he cannot stand when you give someone else attention
like he won’t say it outloud but like..
it lowkey pisses him off when you do
he can be a peace of shit to you
the thing that he likes tho is that u don’t let him walk over you ‼️
NSFW!!
2 words.
Dominant
bottom (maybe he’ll top u like once a month..)
HE AN ANEMIC MAN HE BARELY HAS THE ENERGY TO SURVIVE THE DAY.
but oh boy his personality…
erm! reverse cowgirl is his go to position..
HE MAKES U SUCK HIM OFF BEFORE ANYTHING THO..
honestly you have no problem with this
the sight of him whimpering under your touch MY GODDD 😝😝
he will absolutely never outright admit that you make him feel good 😒
THE ONCE IN A LIFETIMES WHERE HE TOPS YOU
it’s wild.
he doesn’t need to go rough on you because he has your body memorized like the back of his hand
he KNOWS what spots to abuse 😓
i honestly think he’s a tit guy
he knows that he loves the thought of you fucking him up BUT HE WANTS U TO TAKE INITIATIVE🤨
pick up context clues babes
his aftercare is actually pretty great but it doesn’t invole you getting out of bed just tons of cuddles and praises <3
—————————————————————
Nikolai 🤡
he would 100% prefer a high-maintenance partner to keep up with his silly doings yk?
so in this case.. sigma “recruited” you to the DOA (with fydors approval in advance)
YALL WERE IN SYNC ASAP⁉️⁉️
you guys play pranks on everyone except fydor bc he SUCKS smh…😒
HE JUMPSCARES U A LOT WITH HIS COAT☠️
at the start of y’all’s friendship he said “oh who said a guy and a girl can’t be the best of buds and nothing more!”
well..! that didn’t age well
y’all are the “You fell first but he feel harder”
i would like to say niko was oblivious to your feelings because everything you guys do are jokes…
he never thought anything you 2 did was serious
so.. apologies for the delay!
honestly it was fydor who told him
though he does not care of y’all’s love life.. niko was pushing his buttons that day and Fedya thought that was the best way to shut him up
and it worked
he was a lil flabbergasted 😦
when he REALLLYYY thought about it… he enjoyed the thought of you 2 being something more..
SO HE ASKED YOU OUT IN THE MOST NIKOLAI WAY :D
he gave you 2 bouquets of flowers 💐!!
though one was poisoned and you had to figure out which one wasn’t by a time limit… (YOU GOT IT LIKE A MINUTE BEFORE THO‼️)
and then he confessed and y’all lived happily ever after :D
…..
the day that fedya told niko that you liked him.. WAS THE REASON WHY FEDYA WANTS TO KHS.
if he thought that the 2 of u were annoying before?
JESUS CHRIST MULTIPLY IT BY 10☠️
he cannot go a day without physically holding you
whether it’s your hand , arm , leg thighs anything (he’s touch starved)
MATCHING OUTFITS R A MUST
he whines to fydor when he doesn’t pair y’all up for a mission
while fedya and dazai were in prison yall procrastinated on your current mission… YALL GOT IT DONE LAST MINUTE THO😓😓
Dawg leaves you no room in the bed he spreads out to much AND he’s a blanket hogger🤨
neither of you can cook
SO U MAKE SIGMA COOK FOR YOU😍‼️‼️
very rarely gets emotional with you, but when he does?
those are the moments you 2 are thankful you found eachother <3
NSFW!!
he’s very high maintenance so…
he’s a dominant top ‼️
public sex is something the 2 of you do on a daily basis
very VERY high sex drive
y’all’s first time you told him to go slow because you’ve never done anything like this b4 and he did..!
the second you told him to go a little faster..
DAWG HE WENT ALL OUT (at the time it lowkey hurt BUT I FELT SO GOOD??)
fedya gives y’all the nastiest look when y’all come out of the bathroom…
he loves sending you videos of his print 👏👏👏
he knows you love his hands so he fingers you a lot
speaking of which.. HE EDGES YOU ALOT
he does it for no reason what so ever like at all..
he thinks it’s funny ☹️
HE LIKES IT WHEN YOU ACT LIKE A BRAT 😍‼️‼️
like sex is a silly game between y’all
(he knows it’s game you can’t win)
honestly he has a size kink 🤷🏽‍♀️
AND AND wax play‼️‼️
he likes teasing you and then just leaving u alone for the rest of the day 😒😒
HE LOVES GRIPPING YOUR WAIST WHILE FUCKING U FROM BEHIND
erm his aftercare is average he cleans you up and bring you water and y’all fall asleep pretty quickly
honestly i think he’s a tit guy!
—————————————————————
SIGMA 🎶
erm ok so nikolai also recruited u here! (im so original!!)
for starters he already liked you sense of fashion
like a victorian era type 😜
he noticed how you always had your headphones in.. but when he talked to you.. you took them off
maybe he was reading too much into it but it made his heart flutter
you spent most of your time in his casino, so you give had tons of time to bond
he honestly enjoyed the times where you’d share headphones (he LOVESS your playlist)
honestly niko kept teasing him abt you and no matter how many times he tried to confess he couldn’t
well face to face anyway.. he wrote u a cute silly poem >w•
both of y’all’s love language is quality time
honestly fydor doesn’t exactly hate y’all together so that’s something!
late night walks is a daily routine yall do almost every day
he loves doing your makeup AND hair ‼️‼️‼️🫶
yall do eachothers nails all the time😋
OO EVERY FRIDAY IS A MOVIE NIGHT
every other day y’all go to this little coffee shop in the morning b4 dealing with a chaotic day
you are a night owl while she’s an early morning person
y’all take baths together all the time <33
y’all have the ENTIRE lego flower collection ‼️‼️
that’s literally the main reason nikolai is not allowed NEAR your shared appointment 😓😓
NSFW!!
cmon..
this man. WITH HIS SLUTTY WAIST.
is a submissive bottom 🤷🏽‍♀️
originally he thought “ofc im going to take the role of being on top because-“
the moment you practically pinned him .. you awoken something in him😨
HE LOVES LOVES LOVESSS being dominated so bad it’s concerning
he doesn’t HATE it when you take things slow.. but jesus christ when you go rough on him?
he nuts in the spot 🤷🏽‍♀️
he likes it when you pull on his hair ‼️
he’s into BDSM (it’s always the quiet ones)
he has a smile sex drive so honestly it’s up to you! he doesn’t mind tbh 🗣️
he loves it when you play music while y’all have sex 🎶🎶
erm nikolai can’t KNOCK A FUCKING DOOR SO HE JUST WALKED INTO YOUR HOME AND SAW YOU RIDING SIGMA.
he never ever let him live it down
this one time you made him wear a toy on his dick and though he will deny it..
it was one of the best days of his ENTIRE LIFE🤭🤭
he also likes the excitement of being blindfolded
his favorite place to have sex in is the living room IDK WHY🤨
mostly it’s you doing the aftercare which he rates a 5 stars! 🫶🫶
———————————
OKAY THATS IT!! again ik it’s been a month.. ILL TRY TO POST MORE FREQUENT!
2K notes · View notes
dearlyjun · 1 month
Text
10:47 PM ☆ k. mingyu
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☆ PAIRING: nonidol!boyf!mingyu x f!reader (could potentially be considered afab as no gendered terms are used)
☆ GENRE: SMUT (18+ only please or get blocked)
☆ SUMMARY: you and your boyfriend plan to take a shower together and well, things change.
☆ WORD COUNT: 1.5k
☆ WARNINGS: making out, necklace pulling, nipple play, teeth scraping, marking, fingering, clitoral stimulation, bulge/size kink if you squint, eye contact, foul language, multiple orgasms, spitting, lots of praise from mingyu, cumming inside. mentions of aftercare!!
☆ AUTHORS NOTE: ohhhhh boy buckle up. my first svt work! idk what made mingyu my member of choice but here we are! as always be nice, feedback is always appreciated. lmk your thoughtssss.
TAGLIST LINKED IN PINNED POST!
and a big thank you to lia @miupow and ari @silvergyus for allowing me to share this with them first and tell me if it sucks! <3
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“we’re wasting water, you know.” you slightly joked, tangling your fingers into mingyu’s hair as he pressed light kisses to your jaw.
the two of you had planned to take a shower together, but decided to turn on the water for it to warm up. one thing led to another and now here you were; half undressed and making out on the bathroom counter.
“that’s your fault.” mingyu spoke lowly, his face in the crook of your neck. the room was getting hot and steamy by the second as the water was still running.
His hands slipped underneath the large t shirt that you were wearing, and you let out a whimper when he started to toy with your nipples that hardened under his touch.
“mingyu.” You softly spoke his name. like a quiet plea for something, and mingyu knew exactly what it was.
He quickly pulled the shirt off of your body, and you pulled him closer to you by his necklace.
“pulling on me.” He mumbled against your mouth before kissing you deeply, his body now slotted perfectly between your legs. You ran your fingers through his hair with one hand as he kissed below your jaw; his teeth scraping you every so often.
You hummed, leaning your head back to expose your entire neck to him.
His hands were roaming, and your mind was too in a haze to follow them. Mingyu pulled the fabric of your underwear away from your cunt, immediately slipping two of his fingers inside of you.
You immediately let out a whine as Mingyu muttered ‘fuck’ under his breath. He was fucking into you with his fingers hard, practically going to his knuckles each time.
Having to hold onto his upper body with one hand; you were afraid you’d fall, but knew you couldn’t possibly hurt Mingyu no matter how hard you gripped onto him.
You happened to look down at mingyu’s fingers disappearing in and out of you; your underwear completely ruined from your arousal. with his free hand, he lifted your chin to kiss him. The kiss was soft in comparison to the way his fingers were pummeling you.
“I’m gonna take these off, okay?” His face was close to yours as he pulled his fingers out of you, moving to pull down and take off your underwear all of the way.
You hummed, allowing him to move your legs further apart even more; whimpering when his fingers were inside of you again. This time you could tell that he had three inside of you.
“Gyu….fuck. Oh my god.” You were practically seeing stars and he wasn’t even using his cock.
“I know baby, I know.” Mingyu was sort of leaning over you, his breathing heavy. “Look at me.”
You looked up at him, and he almost lost it.
“Fuck. You look so pretty.” He kissed you. “God I want to ruin you. Fuck.” He kissed you again, this time it was sloppy, his teeth hitting yours.
“I’m gonna cum, gyu. Fuck.” You whimpered; legs already starting to shake.
“I know, I know.” Mingyu was watching the way his fingers disappeared inside of you. “I can feel you clenching me; I got you.”
It crashed into you; blindsiding you. because all of a sudden you were trembling, whining Mingyu’s name over and over again. You thought you might have slipped on the counter because Mingyu suddenly put his hand against the mirror behind your head to stop you from hitting it.
“Are you okay?” Mingyu had a stupid grin on his face having rocked your world with just his fingers.
You nodded, but breathing hard. “Yeah, yeah. Want you to fuck me, gyu. Please.”
“Yeah, you can take me?” Mingyu kissed you, one of his hands sneaking down to press down onto your now over sensitive clit; making you whine.
“Yes, I always do.” You reached for his underwear, hooking your fingers underneath the waistband and maneuvering them down.
Mingyu watched your every move, hips bucking forwards when you wrapped your hand around his length; pressing your thumb against the tip that was leaking with precum.
Mingyu’s hand quickly replaced yours. “Hold your legs for me?”
You put your hands behind both of your knees, doing as mingyu said. He hummed in approval as you felt like you were nearly bent in half.
Mingyu tapped the head of his cock against your clit, then subtly sliding between your folds. Surely he was making a mess out of you. Unexpectedly, he leaned down, letting a glob of spit fall directly onto where your clit and his cock met.
A moan slipped right out of your mouth, making mingyu lock eyes with you.
“Yeah, you like that?” His voice was low as he lifted your chin up.
You hummed in response, sort of unable to form the words. Just nodding as Mingyu leaned in to kiss you.
At the same time, he pushed his cock inside of you; going slow on purpose so that you could feel every inch of him.
“Hghh…fuck.” You whined as you couldn’t even kiss him back. Your legs were shaking again as he was inside of you all of the way.
“Already shaking….” Mingyu muttered under his breath, watching where your bodies connected; he replaced your hands with his and held your legs apart.
You couldn’t protest, because he was right. He was probably going to make you cum soon.
“Mingyu. Please.” You barely finished the sentence, fighting back a moan to speak.
“Yeah, say my name.” His voice was breathy, almost slightly unsteady. “Let me hear you.”
You were desperately grabbing onto him; probably leaving marks in the path of your fingernails. It was egging him on, grunting as he was slamming into you now;knowing you enjoyed it.
“Fuck.” Tears were brimming at the corners of your eyes. Mingyu must have noticed because he made you look at him again.
“Look so pretty…” He let out a slight whimper, making your cunt clench. Mingyu looked down, watching his cock move in and out of you. You followed his gaze, letting out a high pitched moan when you saw what he was looking at. “Fuck, can you feel me right there?” He pressed two fingers to your lower stomach.
You frantically nodded to appease him because he would ask again. “Yes!” You squeezed your eyes shut; not sure if your eyes were burning from sweat or tears.
“You’re so close. Clenching me so fucking good.” Mingyu’s voice had a slight whine to it; like he was going to cum almost any second.
“Feels so good, yeah.” You moaned, eyes drifting shut as Mingyu was pounding himself into you.
You moved your hand in between your legs to rub slow circles onto your clit; making your walls clench and you nearly yelped.
Mingyu grunted, watching you make yourself fall apart. Finally he pulled your hand away, replacing your fingers with his and finally you broke.
“Mingyu!” Your moan sounded more like a sob, and if Mingyu couldn’t see your face he’d think that you were crying. Your nails dug into his arms only to scrape down his biceps, making him suck a breath in through his teeth. surely he’d deal with any marks at another time.
You felt like the room was closing in on you; probably chanting Mingyu’s name over and over.
“Yeah, take it. Take it.” Mingyu grunted, watching how your body shook; shut tightly.
He grabbed your jaw, making you look at him. Mingyu kissed you softly, but moaned against your mouth before biting onto your bottom lip.
“Cum in me…” you spoke, locking eye contact with him. You knew that was his ultimate weakness.
“Yeah?” Mingyu answered, moaning loudly when you reached your hand to twirl your fingers around his chain necklace.
“Mhm.” A whine slipped out of your mouth as Mingyu seemed to be fucking into you harder than before. “Please.” You were pulling on his necklace again.
“Fuck!” Mingyu swore, slamming his cock fully inside of your cunt before cumming inside of you.
You bit down onto your bottom lip, and you were afraid to move because of how much of a mess he just made of you. When he pulled out, you winced at the feeling of him dripping out of you.
Mingyu was already looking, feeling quite satisfied himself. “Look so pretty like that; me dripping out of you.”
He used two of his fingers to try and push it back inside of you, making you let out an audible cry.
“Too much. You ruined me….im exhausted.”
“Exhausted?” Mingyu asked, brushing a few stray pieces of hair out of your face. “Now we really have to take a shower.”
“I know…but I don’t want to…wanna go to sleep.” You had a pout on your face that usually Mingyu could never say no to; this time he wasn’t backing down.
“No, no we’re going to. I’ll help you wash up, you can just stand there in the water. Then, we can turn on the tv, get into our pajamas, and watch a show in our nice warm bed.” He was kissing you in between sentences. “I can even make you a late night snack. Sound good?”
You sighed, after all you could never say no to mingyu.
“Yes, help me down okay?”
609 notes · View notes
wonysugar · 5 months
Text
fuck you stupid | ning yizhuo
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synopsis : you thought you’d seen it all with her, but no, she somehow managed to surprise you even further.
pairing : bimbo!ningning x fem!reader
genre : bffs to... fwb?? idk they just fuck,, so obviously smut too! xx
tags : yall got lost help, fingering, degradation, belittling, dumbification, car sex, she's so stupid but she fucks you good so it's okay, very slight cunnilingus, she slaps you like once so impact play!
warnings : none!
word count : 1.6k
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you, y/n l/n, weren’t exactly smart, but you also weren’t exactly stupid. like yeah, you weren’t a genius per se, but it’s not like you were brain dead either. average was the term you always used to describe your intelligence.
you unfortunately couldn’t say the same about ning yizhuo, your best friend. 
you loved her, like that’s your bitch, of course you love her! however, you’d be lying if you said that she was intellectually capable, because she just wasn’t. god, she was just so, so painfully stupid?? clumsy??? careless???? all of the above applied when it came to this woman. not even to be mean or anything of the sorts, just, yknow… natural selection at its finest.
she was aware of that, though, and even thrived in being the self proclaimed bimbo everyone knew and loved. (to which you wholeheartedly agree with, by the way) and honestly? you just couldn’t stop teasing her about it whenever you two hung out. things similar to “stupid hoe” and “dumbass” always escaping your mouth as you two laughed, probably moments after she bumped onto something on the sidewalk whilst spilling all the tea to you. 
in summary, she’s done stupid shit before, but nothing, nothing could ever top what she had done that day.
the day she got the both of you lost in some random parking lot at like, 2 am.
“ning, we’re fucking lost.” you told her, eyebrows furrowed in frustration as you watched her giggle nervously.
she grabbed her cellphone and hovered her finger over the power button, “oh come on y/n don’t be like that, i can just go on google maps and we’ll be out of here in no ti-“
a black screen.
she cleared her throat hesitantly, sighed, then pressed the button again.
nothing.
she kept doing that, giving longer presses to the side of her phone in hopes of a miracle . your patience was running thin and you were quite frankly not far from panicking.
after the 27th-ish try, you finally snapped at her.
“fucking hell ning do you not charge your damn phone??” 
“sorry that i forgot to?” 
oh she had to be joking. 
“girl oh my god what the fuck?? we’ll stay stuck here for only god knows how long and it’s all gonna be because ‘ning yizhuo forgot to charge her phone beforehand’ for fuck’s sake.” you closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose in exasperation. trying to calm down, you ignored ning’s gaze.
her stupid annoying yapping wasn’t helping at all. like, at all.
“oh so we’re once again blaming me, got it. y/n you didn’t even bring your own phone, how do you have the audacity to put the blame on me.” she said back, her eyebrow raised up as she threw her phone down on her skirt, sighing exasperatedly. 
“because someone told me it was her turn to get the aux.”
“where in that sentence did i ever tell you not to bring your phone??”
“god, ning just- just stay quiet. okay? just- please shut up, i’m trying to think. we can’t rely on you for anything.” you told her, exasperated.
in response, she scoffed, “no?? no i won’t, actually. you’re always putting the blame on me and it’s seriously starting to piss me the fuck off. yeah i’m a bimbo, whatever, but does that mean that you have to talk to me like i only have two barely functioning brain cells??” 
“oh please, saying you have two functioning brain cells would be wayy too generous. you’re always doing the stupidest shit out of the two of us. i mean fuck, you literally drove us here, in the middle of nowhere. you’re not a bimbo, you’re just fucking dumb, ning.”
when you looked back at her, she seemed hurt. like, 
a wave of guilt quickly washed over you upon seeing her pained, pained expression. she looked into your eyes, frustration and sadness clearly showing into her own. yeah, she looked pissed. you wanted to apologize almost immediately, and you were going to, 
if she didn’t suddenly press her lips onto yours before you could even get a word out. 
-
how do best friends make up after a fight?
usually, they talk it out, they go out, hug it out then get milkshakes or whatever, hell, sometimes they just go a day or two without talking then eventually forget about it.
this? this was none of that.
since she planted a kiss on your lips, you, instead of doing anything stated above, were fucking.
like, yeahh you were still lost, but at least you were getting your pussy ravaged. the situation could be handled later; when you weren’t drenched.
throwing your head back as you moaned out ning’s name, you were straddling her in the backseat of her car, feeling her two fingers deep inside you and stretching you out. she looked up at you with lustfully hooded eyes as she kissed and left very visible marks all over your neck, all the way down to your collarbone, her free hand fondling your tits, lazily playing with the nipple. 
“f-fuck ning keep going i’m sososo close- fuckfuckfuck..” feeling yourself getting pushed closer to the edge by the friction you felt, you bucked your hips faster onto her digits. the knot tying in your stomach felt like it would’ve snapped any second now, that is,
until she stopped moving her fingers altogether.
frustrated, you whined loudly, “ninggg please let me cum pleaseplease-” 
“oh yeah? so now you wanna rely on me for something, and it’s to make you cum?” she laughed. “fucking slut. i’ll make you cum whenever i want to, got it, bitch?” she added, pressing her thumb on your swollen throbbing clit, smirking condescendingly and watching how pretty you looked when pleasure contorted your face.
you unintentionally clenched at her words, nodding shamefully. it was embarrassing enough having your best friend knuckles deep inside of you, having her call you names and whatnot, but the real embarrassing part? 
enjoying it thoroughly.
she knew this, she knew she had you wrapped around her finger at that moment and oh was it such a power trip for her. seeing you be so needy for her touch, you almost started riding her fingers yourself, too. she was always the one being treated like a dumb bitch, it was nice being on the other side of things, for a change. 
she kept twisting and pulling on your nipple with her free hand as she slowly started to slide her fingers up and down your walls again, giggling and paying close attention to how your body shook and twitched at each and every one of her slow movements. what a sight to see. 
“you like being fucked stupid hm?”
and that’s what she did,
seconds,
minutes,
what felt likes hours,
you were sloppily bouncing and grinding on her fingers, speed ranging from a painful slowness to an overwhelming rapidity. 
you gripped her arms tightly, as if you would fall into some sort of void if you didn’t hold onto her for dear life. resting your head on her shoulder, you whined, losing yourself onto her. her fingers were still pumping in and out of you at that moment, faster than they were before, by the way, so it took you all of your body strength to not just cum right then and there, but you managed to hold back. for her, you held back and took all of it. every minute passing, every single motion feeling like it was threatening to make you go insane. 
“ning pleaseplease let me cum i wanna cum so badly fuck- pleasepleasepleasepleaseee-” you begged, looking down at her with pleading teary eyes.
“fuck, look at you. calling me a dumb bitch all the time, yet here you are, acting oh so stupid for my fingers. such a brainless needy little whore for me, hm? does my idiotic, pretty girl wanna cum?” 
you nodded eagerly as you whined, tears actively running down both of your cheeks, so desperate for release that you quite honestly didn’t care for how ridiculous you looked to her at that moment. you just wanted to cum, so, so, so badly, and you were ready to give up your dignity for it.
the sound of her hand slapping your cheek resonated in the car.
“say it. you know damn well i don’t accept pathetic sounds for an answer.”
“fuck— your idiotic pretty girl wants to cum pleaseee let her–”
she hummed, smirking at your response. incredibly amused by your behavior, she took her fingers out of you, picked you up by placing her hands on your thighs, then gently put you on the empty seat that was next to the one she occupied. upon seeing you sat comfortably, she proceeded to kneel down on the empty space between the front seats and the backseats. y’know,
the ones a grown woman couldn’t possibly fit in?
it’s okay though, like, yeah she would most definitely complain about back pain later, but right now?
she needed to feel you cum all over her tongue.
and that’s exactly what she worked towards, her tongue driven by the scent of your arousal to roam all over your folds and clit, kissing and sucking on every inch of your core as she attentively listened to all the sweet noises that came out of you. it really did not take long before your moans reached octaves you didn’t even know you could achieve before, an overwhelming wave of relief hitting you like a truck. you were 100% sure you would pass out afterwards.
at the end of the day, yeah, you both were still stranded in the middle of some unknown parking lot, but at least, the stress of it all evaporated in the air.
while you were trying to catch your breath, you made a mental note;
never underestimate ning’s intelligence when she was in a bad mood! or, do. depending on if you wanna get fucked stupid that day or not.
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1K notes · View notes
epiicaricacy-arts · 4 months
Text
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oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention
this was super experimental so i will talk about my process (+ clearer version) under the cut
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i’ve been looking at a lot of “messier” or more textured painting styles recently and an artist that stuck out to me is clariondeluna ! they posted a self-portrait recently that i really liked and i was super interested in the brushwork seen in their work. i love all the textures and how the shapes feel so loose yet everything is so detailed.
that’s not a method for me at all!!!! i cannot paint like that at all and the stuff i like to paint is very different to theirs. which is okay!!!! i had no intention to copy this artists style so closely like with what i tried to do in my raiden painting, i just wanted to try this style out :^)
it’s been a goal of mine to avoid over-rendering like i tend to do a lot, and i think i’ve been doing good with that recently! the mindset i’ve got going on right now is that if i find myself staring at it too hard for too long, i have to leave it and move on. if there’s still something wrong with it, i can fix it later once ive got a fresh view!
i’ve been trying a lot of things with my art this year. i always try to challenge myself with each piece, and to end the year off i wanted to be as uncomfortable as i possibly could be with this painting. i let myself draw whatever i wanted because i still wanted to enjoy it, but everything i did in this process was new, including parts of the subject matter.
i’ve never drawn a head at an angle like this, and i struggle with drawing mouths open. i don’t do bold lighting like this, and if i do, it’s not fire. i’ve never drawn fire! i also rarely work with warm colours and i hate using green, so i combined those to be my colour palette. i like working cleanly so instead of having a dozen different layers for one section, each section only had 1-2 layers for rendering. instead of clipping masks i would simply paint over things loosely and clean it up later. i never like having limbs cut off in a drawing so i had his other arm go GOD knows where. i don’t like weird patterned backgrounds so i made myself figure out how to like it!
IS THIS MY FAVOURITE PIECE OF ALL TIME. no. absolutely not. but i’m very proud of how this came out with all the challenges i put on myself. i WANTED to get better at these things and be more broad with my art, both in terms of the styles and subjects i portray.
okay let’s talk about wtf this drawing is
for those who don’t know, the design in this painting is my fatui/“Father” lyney fan design (read the design post here). the concept isnt super complicated and i don’t really have much explanation for it, but i wanted to combine the story of how lyney wanted a delusion before getting his vision, fire eating circus acts and how olympic medalists will bite their medal to prove it’s real??? don’t quote me on that i’m like 75% sure that’s a thing that happens. i don’t watch sports though so im just believing someone i heard on the internet ages ago.
anyways. i think fire eating acts are cool. and i think the fact that lyney wanted a delusion is very interesting to me. scratches my brain in the right places. and yk as a magician lyneys character revolves a lot around fooling people and creating illusions so i guess what im saying here is that lyney is trying to prove to himself that this power he’s been bestowed is real. bc his whole life his only constant has been lynette so he is trying to see if he can trust this new power. cause i guess this is an alternate universe where lyney does eventually become “Father” but he never got his vision ??? idk im not making lore for this i just wanted to dress up this funny little guy.
ok i’m done
thanks for reading
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here’s my dog
395 notes · View notes
valsarchives · 1 year
Text
my girl - t.c (part 2)
warning: google translate used french and spanish, sorry if it’s wrong!
part one
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yourusername
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liked by tchalamet, zayn, zendaya and 10,859,276 others
yourusername felt like a dream! thanks again for being there for me y’all!
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zayn 🖤
yourusername 🖤
kissmeyn ok but when are you guys gonna release the song??? we’re still waiting 👀
hero_ft you were amazing
yourusername thank you!!
ynmybaby GUYS I WAS THERE AND SHE DID AMAZING!! IT WAS LITERALLY A DREAM COME TRUE SHE WAS SO SWEET!! SHE STAYED A LITTLE LONGER AFTER IT WAS OVER SO SHE CAN MEET HER FANS!!! 🥹🥹💖
ynsbabygirl she’s such an angel 🥺♥️
timmytimmy did Timothèe showed up???? 👀
ynmybaby tbh I was so focused on Y/n I didn’t even look around me from the moment she was on stage lol
timmytimmy i got you girl 😮‍💨
chalamtfan guys I don’t think he was there. I mean someone would see him but there’s no pictures of him so idk 🤷🏼‍♀️
ynfan2 breathtaking ❤️‍🔥
username49 Timmy liked again!
randomuser i wish timmy was there tho
yourusername ok so usually I don’t like talk about this stuff, but as you can see, it’s my account that you’re commenting on and i was having a good time with you guys but everytime i see comment like this i feel like that’s all I’m worthy of and it makes me uncomfortable. So please be more respectful about this stuff. Take care <3
randomuser you’re right i’m sorry. I won’t bring it up again
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enews
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5,594,279 likes
enews Timothèe Chalamet showed up at Coachella watching his ex girlfriend Y/n L/n’s performance. We are wondering what will “sources” say about this.
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timmytimmy I KNEW IT!!
chalamalabingbong OFC HE WAS THERE FOR HIS GIRL
ynfan2 he was so sweet to fan but he was hiding and he never took his eyes off of Y/n 🥺
username49384 well it explains everything right???
callmebyyourpeach i wonder if she knows he was there
ynmybaby E! News is on team Y/n&Timothèe everyone!!!!!
tchalafann i mean they’re not wrong 👀
timmychalamt Guys! I was there and I saw him. He watched her perform and sometimes he sang along with her. He took pictures of her everytime she got close to his side. And I’m not too sure about that but when she started singing “holding on” there was tears in his eyes.
ynmybaby it was their song 🥺
timotea0 this made me cry 🤧
sweettimmy wait really????? 😭
timtim24 I’m actually crying I feel so sad for him. He loses the girl he loves, everyone is making fun of him for something that isn’t even true and now deuxmoi claims that he was dating Taylor and he cheated on her with Kylie.
sweetteaa what?💀
timotheefan15 istg that girl is crazy . Leave him alone!!
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tchalametdaily
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1,848,276 likes
tchalametdaily after all this, they’re still claiming that him and Kylie are officially dating?? Now that’s what I call crazy.
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yourfan8 I’m done 💀
timmyfan04 HE LITERALLY SAID HE WASNT DATING THAT GIRL OH GOD
randomuser93 i love & support them!
timmytim wtf
ynynyn9 they’re not even dating 🤡
timmytimmy leave him alone for god’s sake!
randomuser look, idk the details of this whole situation but didn’t he literally showed up at his ex’s performance? There is a video of him looking at her with tears in his eyes and they’re still talking about that plastic bitch? I wonder how much kris payed them.
ynmybaby Y/n claims that they ended their relationship on good terms but i think there is something else going on. She was asked about timmy this morning and she looked so uncomfortable. I really wonder what’s going on but I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable.
username953 what if he really cheated on her?
randomuser no way he would do that to her but i think the rumors are part of the reason they broke up.
randomuser97 “devil works hard, kris works harder.”
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ynlndaily
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3,593,275 likes
ynlndaily Timothée at Y/n’s performance last year vs now :/
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ynsbabygirl does it ever drive you crazy…
ynmybaby just how fast the night changes…
timmytimmy I still remember when he hyped his girl every chance he got and after she finished her song he said “that’s my girl” and the fans went crazy :((
sweettimmy BRING THEM BACK 😭
kissmeyn God pls let Timmy and Y/n get back together
username491 I don’t think they’ll get back together
chalametfann he was so excited for his girl (he was literally jumping the moment she got to the stage😭) and after the performance him and Y/n met with fans and had so much fun together I MISS THAT SO MUCH
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enews
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enews Timothée Chalamet and Y/n L/n spotted together, seemingly arguing about something.
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kissmeyn wait wait
ynmylove I saw the other pics, they were not arguing!
timotheefan8 pls get back together pls plsss
ynmybaby no arguing my babies just hug each other and forget everything
ynsbabygirl I saw the other pictures. She was laughing in one pic. And his hands was on her waist on another 👀
timmytimmy omg is it really happening???
timotheefan15 yesyesyes
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timmyandynupdates
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timmyandynupdates GUYS ITS HAPPENING!!
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ynmybaby damn, they were arguing last week now here we are. I’m so happy tho!!
ynsbabygirl they can’t resist each other anymore
timmytimmy OMGOMGOMG
tchalafann I was waiting for this one!!!
timotheefan15 they look happy 🥺
randomuser isn’t that kylie’s new boy toy?
timotea0 no, that’s Y/n L/n’s boyfriend Timothèe Chalamet.
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yourusername
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yourusername Tu me manques depuis le moment où tu m'as quitté, he said.
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tchalamet Empecé a extrañarte tan pronto como nos despedimos, she said.
*liked by yourusername
ynsbabygirl SOMEONE TRANSLATE THIS PLS
ynmybaby OK OK!! The caption is “I’ve been missing you since the moment you left me” in French and Timmy’s comment says “I started to miss you as soon as we said goodbye.” in Spanish.
timmytimmy I love when they talk to each other with their first language 🥺
chalametfann SO THEY’RE BACK TOGETHER?? 😭
kissmeyn YESS!! They’ve been spotted kissing yesterday!!! 🥹🥹🥹
timmytim THANK GOD!
tchalamet’s story
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@iloveneilperry @miawastakens
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artists-ally · 7 months
Text
{Flatline} Harvey Specter x OFC {Pt. 1}
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I got the title from this song called Flatline by Jared Benjamin. I added it to this playlist of very Harvey Specter vibes if you'd like to listen. There will be multiple parts, around three so be sure to stick around for those. As always comment and tell me what you think, or pop by in my asks. Anyhoo enjoy my loves!
Word count ~ 10,619 (it is a very fast paced read I promise)
Warnings ~ Age gap, smut (18+), handjob, no real BDSM but Dom/Sub concepts, language, alcohol, anxiety/anxious thoughts, probably really inaccurate lawyer terms idk man.
Summary: Harvey has taken notice of the hardest working first year associate, Claudia Martin. Despite being petrified of the infamous closer, she tried her hardest to not let it get the best of her. Harvey has a few ideas on how to increase her confidence.
Tagging : @maxdamax @ashcosmo @rosedpetal (This is basically just dedicated to you three so I hope you enjoy it the most!)
~~~~~
“Alright, everybody stop,” Harvey announced. I put down my file and sat ramrod straight in my seat, eyes darting at the other associates as they put theirs away too. “We have been working on this case now for four hours and no one has brought me a single thing that I can use as evidence. Now, if someone doesn’t put a file in my hand in the next ten minutes, we’re going to lose. And those of you who don’t want to get stuck doing whatever bullshit Louis is going to punish you with, you better come up with something fast.”
I looked at the blue file in my hands, heart hammering in my chest as I saw Harvey leave out of the corner of my eye. With a deep breath, I pushed up out of my chair and followed after him. 
Circling around the office a few times, I made up reasons and excuses not to go see him. It was stupid, I knew that, but I didn’t want to bring him something and then immediately be called an idiot for bringing him shit he already knew.
I saw how he treated Mike. And Louis. Even Donna from time to time.
There were two things you did in this world: die, and respect Harvey Specter. As a first year associate in this god awful firm, you didn’t dare break his trust or waste his time. 
“Is Mr. Specter available for a moment?” I asked Donna. I hadn’t talked to her much, but I’ve heard her speak to Harvey a few times around the office. She was someone I wished I knew better, someone I wished I could ask for help, but I didn’t want to bother her either. 
“Yeah, he’s in his office going over the statements from the mock trial,” Donna smiled, pointing over her shoulder. I nodded, willing my feet to move in the direction of his office. I knocked before pushing the glass door opening, keeping my head down. 
“Claudia, now is really not a good-” “I have something for you,” we spoke at the same time. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I can come back and-” “Is that for the mock trial?” He asked, and I nodded. “Hand it over.”
I placed the file in his outstretched hand as he came around to sit on the corner of the desk. My hands were trembling with dread as his eyes raked over the words on the page. The lines in his forehead creased, eyes narrowing.
“Claudia, this is brilliant,” he had a very confused expression when his eyes met mine. “Where did you find this?”
“Well, I figured if Mrs. Thompson said that she didn’t pay her rent that month, because there wasn't money in her account, then there had to be some kind of a trail. Some clue. There was, but it was only an amount, and it didn’t say which account it came from. When I did some digging, I found out that she uses Capital One banking and when I looked at her bank statement-
“There was a draw for the exact amount that Mr. Saros used to bet on that game,” Harvey finished before I could get the words out of my mouth. “Claudia, this is genius. Come on, we’ve got a case to win.”
____
“...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this compelling evidence reveals that Mr. Saros was in fact fraudulent and used his ex- wife’s funds to continue gambling. Thank you.” Harvey closed the argument, taking a seat besides Donna, who represented the client. Jessica looked to the opposing counsel as if to say ‘do you have anything?’. Louis had nothing. Not a sliver of hope. 
“Then it is decided, Mr. Saros will be charged with a misdemeanor and face a prison sentence of one year in county jail.”
With a crack of the gavel, the case was over, and applause rang through the office for Harvey and his team. I had a tiny smile on my face as I left the conference room to go back to the bullpen. There was an endless stack of reports to run, motions to file… it never ended when it came to Louis. And now that I was on the winning team I’m sure that-
“Claudia, where are you going?” Harvey called out. 
“Oh, I was just going back to my desk. Why, is there something that you need?” God I hope he didn’t need anything. I was sweating bullets by just standing next to him. 
“I just wanted to congratulate you on your first win,” he gave a small smirk. His brown eyes were sharp, but not as intense as they usually were. 
I flushed, “Well, it’s not really a real case.”
“No, it’s not. But seeing what you did today, how would you like one of your own?” He extended a blue file back to me, a stack of papers covered inside. I could feel the gaze of the other associates on me as I hesitantly took the file. 
“Mr. Spector, I’m honored, but I’m not-”
“Yes you are,” he cut me off. I bit my tongue. “You are a lawyer, Claudia. And you clearly have an outside the box approach to your tactics which we don’t see very often. I haven’t seen someone able to compile and order evidence like you since Mike came to work for me a decade ago. I’ll be supervising your case, you report to me with any questions you might have, but otherwise this is all you.”
My first case… given to me by Harvey Specter himself.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. I flipped through the file, seeing that this wasn’t just some pro-bono case. This was against a big time client and the SEC. The SEC meant Sean Cayhill, who, from my understanding, was already on the rocks with this firm and has been for a very long time. 
“You can thank me when you win it,” he extended his hand, and I shook it, hoping that they weren’t sweaty. “Look over the file tonight and come ready to swing tomorrow morning.”
Harvey’s hand was warm, and significantly larger than mine. Everything about him was bigger than I was, especially his ego. And his personality. Lord help me…
My nod was the only confirmation that I would meet him there. As he walked out, I met some of the eyes of the associates and they scowled at me. At the file in my hand. At the fact that I hadn’t said a word the whole meeting today and then came up with the winning piece of evidence. And now I was working alongside Harvey. 
The infamous closer at Pearson-Specter-Litt. 
____
“Claudia, what’s wrong?” Donna startled me so bad I dropped my coffee on the floor with a shout. “Something’s really wrong.”
“Oh, it’s just you Donna,” I sighed in relief. I could feel the coffee seeping into my shirt and chilling against my skin. “Great.”
“What has you so skittish?” She asked, worry gracing her features. 
I didn’t want to admit that it was because of Harvey and the fact that I had to work alongside him on this case. I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night because I was up thinking about him, wondering how he’d handle this case himself. What he would do, how he would do it. Sure, I admired the guy, how could I not? He was a perfectionist and always found a way. I wish I had half the confidence he did. 
“It’s Harvey, isn’t it?”
“How did you know that? Nevermind, you’re Donna. But… Yes it’s because of Harvey.”
“Did he say something to you yesterday after you guys won the mock trial? I saw he handed you a case file, what was it all about?” “That's precisely what’s wrong,” I groaned, bending over and picking up the dropped paper cup. “He gave me a case of my own as a 'thank you' for finding the evidence that won the trial yesterday. I’m terrified of him, Donna. I-I don’t know how to act around someone with that kind of personality. He is so abrasive and forward and harsh and-”
“A total jackass?” She finished for me. 
I chuckled nervously, “I’m afraid to even think of that word in association with his name. I mean, how am I supposed to work alongside someone that intense? Plus, I’m a first year associate, how am I supposed to compete with what he as to offer and-”
“Hey, it’s okay. No need to get yourself all worked up, Claudia. Harvey is a lot of bark, and only some bite.” “That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“What I’m trying to say is that there is some heart inside that cold dead chest of his,” she smiled, a genuine, friendly smile. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen him give someone a case after a mock trial. Not even Mike. Up until yesterday I’m not even sure he knew you existed.” “Wish it was still that way,” I rolled my eyes, folding my arms against my chest.
“Claudia, listen to me. Yes, Harvey can be rude and obnoxious, but he is the best damn attorney in the state of New York. He didn’t get to the top by being nice and sweet. He was impressed with your willingness to bring him the evidence yourself. Now he knows he can count on you to get things done in a pinch when he needs them.” “I had that evidence for an hour,” I emphasized. “I was trying to build up the courage to give it to him long before he came and ripped us to shreds for not having anything. I just didn’t want him to think that it was a stupid idea or to be in a bad mood and turn me away because I definitely wouldn’t have done it at all after that. I don’t know how to deal with someone like him, Donna. What am I supposed to do? I should just give the case to Griffin or Thomas-”
“No no no. You are definitely not going to do that. That will only show Harvey that you aren’t serious about becoming a lawyer.”
“I am serious about becoming a lawyer.” I was mildly offended that she’d even say that to me. “Of course I want to be a lawyer, it's all I’ve ever wanted.”
“And Harvey will only know that if you work on this case with him.”
I inhaled and exhaled, leaning my head back and looking at the ceiling. “Fine.” “That’s my girl,” she grinned. “Now, come on. I have an extra dress you can borrow because I am sure as hell not letting you walk around covered in coffee stains.”
“I appreciate it, but I don’t think what you have will fit me.” Donna jerked her head over her shoulder and I followed to a closet in the back of the file room. When she opened it, it was like a full blown wardrobe. There were dresses and shoes and purses and hair supplies lining the walls. “Woah…” “Don’t ever underestimate the power of Donna,” she winked before rummaging through the office closet. 
After searching for a few moments, she pulled out a lovely royal blue dress that was, as she hinted at, a perfect size for me. How she knew that it would fit, I’ll never know. But I did know that I wouldn’t ever underestimate the power of Donna ever again. She’s magical. 
“Now, what do you say?”
“Thanks, Donna,” I smiled sweetly. 
“Actually I was looking for ‘you are an ethereal goddess who makes all my dreams and wishes come true’ but that works too,” I knew she was teasing, and I gave her a small shove of her shoulder. “Go get dressed, come back here and let me do your hair.”
“What’s wrong with the way it is?” I turned to look in the mirror on the back of the door and grimaced. “Oh…” My messy curls from yesterday looked more like a rat wrapped around a bunch of fishing line.
“Hurry up, Harvey will be back soon and I want you in that office, file in hand, ready to go when he gets here.”
I quickly shuffled to the bathroom and changed into the form fitting, very Donna-style dress. It didn’t look half bad, and I actually somewhat tolerated the dress. Normally I’d find a pants suit far more flattering and business appropriate than a dress, strictly because of the over sexualized nature of women's business clothing. 
I hate the corporate world. 
I did one more glance in the mirror before heading back to the break room to grab the file. I must’ve set it on the counter while I was pouring my coffee. Hopefully it wasn’t ruined. 
There was no blue file on the counter. Or the table. Or on top of the microwave or the fridge. I even checked inside the microwave. Nothing. It was nowhere. Oh shit.
“Do you want curls or for me to straighten-” “It’s gone,” there was a clear panic in my voice. “The file, it’s not in the break room, Donna. It’s gone.”
“How can it be gone?” 
“I-I don’t- I don’t know I thought I set it on the counter while I was getting coffee and it’s not there.” I felt a cold sweat break out onto my skin. My forehead was damp to the touch. 
“Okay, take a deep breath. Let’s go look again and then check your desk. Maybe someone found it and put it there, or maybe left it with me or Gretchen. It didn’t grow a pair of legs and walk away, we’ll find it.”
“I’m gonna get fired,” my voice was almost a silent whisper, tears building behind my eyes, prickling my nose. “Donna, Harvey is going to kill me.”
“Worst comes to worst we get a new file, Harvey will never know.”
“No no no he will because he had notes of his own on the papers in there.” “Shit,” she swore. “Let’s just go look.”
We speed walked through the bullpen, earning some odd looks as we practically sprinted through the office. She checked the break room for me again, and I went to my cubicle. Nothing, not a blue folder anywhere to be seen. 
Donna came up empty handed in the break room, checking with Gretchen on her way by Louis’s office. We met at her desk. Nothing. 
“Fuck fuck fuck this is bad.” My hands were shaking, heart thundering against my ribs. I felt faint, like I could’ve fallen to the floor at any moment. “Donna, what am I gonna do?”
“Maybe somebody mistook it as their own file,” Donna blurted out after a moment of silence. She took off towards the bullpen and I followed after her, right on her heels. She marched through there, unapologetic as she invaded the other associates' work spaces. 
Still nothing. No blue file labeled ‘Devlyn Inc. Vs. Fulton Dynamics’. 
“Where the hell could it be?” She murmured to herself. 
“What are you guys looking for?” An associate, Benson, asked. 
“Oh, you know, a leprechaun pissing pieces of gold,” Donna’s voice was full of sarcasm. “Claudia set down a file in the break room for three minutes and forty-two seconds and now it’s mysteriously disappeared. Know anything about it?”
“No,” he pressed his lips together. “Not really.” “Not really?”
“There are a million case files floating around this office, you really expect me to pay attention to every single one and where it’s going?” “As an associate of this firm, yes, actually. I do. Now I want to know if you know who took her file and I want to know right now. You have one chance to tell the truth, otherwise the bottom of my stiletto and your ass are gonna be great friends.”
Benson swallowed, “I truly don’t know. I’m sorry, I can keep an eye out for it. Is it the one Harvey gave Claudia yesterday?”
“Yes, and he needs it in twenty minutes,” Donna said, an undeniable urgency in her voice. “If you find it, do the right thing and give it back or so help me god you will find yourself jobless faster than you can get down on your knees and beg me to let you keep it.”
Donna beckoned me for her to follow and I did, my heart sinking and sinking into my stomach. It had to be around here somewhere. It had to be. 
I did another lap around, rummaging through all the drawers in the desk and thensome. Still nowhere. How could I be so stupid? So irresponsible? This is exactly why I didn’t want to take this case in the first place.
Despite all Harvey and Donna said the other day, I’m not ready to be a lawyer. Not really, anyway. I know I have my license and I’ve passed the Bar. I’ve done all the hard work, but this was… this was hell. A living nightmare. Not only was this firm constantly on the verge of collapsing, but it seemed like I made new enemies every other week by simply doing my job quickly, quietly, and efficiently. 
I don’t know how or why I piss everyone off all the time. I just do my work, I quite literally don’t bother another soul in this building unless I have to. Occasionally I’d ask Donna a question that she could ask Harvey or Mike to see what they thought about it. I’d never speak to them directly, just through her which didn’t make me feel good, either. 
I’d eat by myself, working through my meal. It took me two months of being here to finally use the break room because I was too nervous about taking the last tea bag or power bar from the cabinet. I just took a disposable coffee cup and filled it with tap water. And then kept that cup because I didn’t want to take the others because I figured other people needed them for coffee and I didn’t want them to be all gone-
“Claudia,” Donna interrupted my mild panic. “Harvey wants to see you.”
Oh no… no no no not yet god please not yet. I swallowed, or tried to at least; there was no moisture in my mouth whatsoever. I stood, knees trembling as I smoothed out the skirt of my dress.
Before I went on, she ran a brush through my hair, taking out the knots. It lay sleek and flat against my shoulders, a major difference from the low bun I always kept it in. My hair always made me so hot; I never understood how anyone could get anything done with it swaying in their face all day.
I could see him in his office, eyes staring us down as we rounded the corner. His gaze was locked on me and I felt my body tighten and constrict around a breath. Harvey was sitting on the corner of his desk, fingers toying with the cufflink on his left wrist.. 
“Hey, look at me,” Donna spoke softly, hands coming to my shoulders. “Give Harvey the truth, and nothing but. He will understand, if not, I will make him.”
I nodded.
When I pushed open his glass door, tension was thick in the air. My palms were clammy, still shaking. My mind was going a million miles a second. 
“What can I do for you, Mr. Specter?” I asked, trying to keep my cool despite almost throwing up. 
“Please tell me you have some good news about the case that I gave you,” he sighed, pushing off the desk and standing in front of me. 
Welp… here goes my career. 
“Actually, Mr. Specter there is something I need to-”
“You were looking for me, Harvey?” I whipped my head over my shoulder, seeing Griffin knocking on the door. 
“Yes, Griffin come on please, shut the door as well.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I can come back and we can discuss the details of-”
“No, Claudia. Stay for a moment,” Harvey gave a firm nod, full attention slipping from me to my fellow associate. “Griffin, I see you have something for me.”
“Yes,” Griffin threw a wicked grin at me before handing over a blue file. I could feel the sick rise in my throat. That was my blue file. “I would just like to go over the details of my case with you to get your input.”
“Your case?” Harvey questioned, sharing a glance between me and Griffin. “Where did you get this? Who the hell gave you a case?”
“That’s not important. I was hoping we could actually-”
“No,” Harvey cut him off. “It’s very important, actually. Because I can recall that just last night this exact file, with my handwriting, was in Claudia’s hands. So whatever act you’re putting on, I suggest you cut the bullshit right now.” “Okay I found it in the breakroom,” Griffin rolled his eyes. “Maybe if she were a little more responsible, which she clearly isn’t because she left her documents in a public space, then she’d be more equipped to handle a real case. Like a real lawyer should.”
I could see the muscle in Harvey’s jaw clench and contract several times. 
“Claudia, care to explain how our case got in this thief’s hands?” “Thief?” “I had spilled coffee,” I started, taking a deep breath when Griffin cut me a gaze so threatening I almost crumbled to my knees. “I spilled coffee and Donna offered a change of clothes for me. I didn’t even notice I left it. When I came back it was gone.”
“Well, I think that about settles it. How about you get out of here before you cause yourself a real problem. And If I ever catch wind of you stealing another one of Claudia’s files, or anyones for that matter, I will personally make your life a living hell. Do you understand me?”
“Yes,” he ground his teeth, refusing to look at either of us. 
“Now get your ass back to your desk and pray to whoever you believe in that I don’t have you fired and disbarred for the shit you pulled today. Get the hell out of my sight.”
Griffin was out of there far faster than he walked in, head down, hands shoved in his pockets. I let out a shaky breath. 
“Are you okay?” Harvey asked me. “I’m so sorry,” I completely ignored his question. “Griffin was right, I was extremely irresponsible and shouldn’t have let that file out of my sight. If you want to give it to another associate I completely understand. Again, I am so sorry and understand that there are consequences to my actions for letting such important information go missing-”
“Claudia, slow down,” he eased. “It’s okay, you are not the one I am pissed at.”
“You’re not?” I didn’t understand why. “But- but I completely misplaced a case.”
“No,” Harvey shook his head. “No Griffin is the only one to blame. You spilled coffee, went to go get cleaned up, and he stole it. He should know better. And seeing that he clearly doesn’t, I know I’m right in my decision on who to bring onto this case with me.”
I could feel my blush creep up my neck. “I appreciate that, Mr. Specter.”
“Of course, Claudia. And please, call me Harvey.”
I just gave a subtle nod, taking the file from his hand. I followed his gaze from my face to my hair where he took a strand between his fingers, letting the end curl around his digit.
“I’ve never seen your hair so long,” He added, dropping it from his grip. My breath was caught in my throat. Words were vacant shadows in my mind as he surveyed the dress I was wearing. “I bet that’s Donna’s, isn’t it.”
I had to clear my throat before I could speak. “She wouldn’t let me walk around with coffee stains all day.”
“It looks good on you,” He complimented. Harvey’s eyes, again, went from my head to my toes. There was nothing I could do but fall victim to his… I didn’t know what to think of how he looked at me. Couldn’t decide if it was good or bad. 
“Time for the case then?” I needed to get his attention off of me. Now. I was flushed and losing my mind. Harvey didn’t really seem to acknowledge my words at all. 
“Sure.” Was all he gave me.
____
I barely escaped with the skin on my teeth after our consultation. No, he didn’t rip me to shreds, but he would not take his eyes off of me for even one second. It was so… so potent I couldn’t focus. It was almost lunch when Donna came in and saved my ass. 
I couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough.
“So, how did it go?” Donna asked as I sat in my cubicle. When she came around, or maybe she just followed me, I didn’t know. 
I put my face in my hands. “It was a disaster, Donna. I was a stuttering mess and I kept forgetting everything I was going to say because he would not stop staring at me. Like, he would not stop.” “Well, you aren’t exactly ugly, Claudia,” she snickered. 
“Donna, this isn’t funny,” I groaned. “I’m being completely frank with you.”
“How can I be expected to work alongside him when I can’t stand being in an enclosed space with him for more than four minutes without turning into a bumbling idiot? It’s like he enjoys watching me get flustered.”
“Claudia, I think you are making this a bigger deal in your head than it actually is.” Donna came around and sat on my desk, crossing a knee over the other. “And besides, Harvey understands what it’s like to be a new associate. It can be nerve wracking, especially when you have Louis breathing down your neck.”
I chuckled gravely, “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“You’ll figure it out.” “Why can’t you just tell me?” I whined as she stood up. 
“Because I am the Yoda to your Luke Skywalker. Wise you are, patience you must have, my young Padawan.”
“I am not a Jedi who is going on a self discovery journey to start using the Force,” I countered. “I am a nervous wreck who can’t handle being alone with Harvey Specter.”
“Then you need to get over it because Harvey is not going to berate you on your first case!” She argued.
“Did you not hear what he said to Griffin? Or-or to Thomas when he suggested that we consider taking the deal that Mr. Saros had offered during the mock trial? He cracked them wide open and left them to bleed. What about with Mike? How many times has he almost sent him to the curb for not being able to find what Harvey needs?”
“Mike is different and you know it,” Donna lowered her voice. “Plus he always says shit like that to light a fire under his ass. Harvey can see that you are nervous to work with him. He isn’t going to hang you out to dry, I promise. He stood up for you, Claudia, in a way I’ve only seen him do with me and Mike. You know how much he cares about us.”
“Well, yeah of course. But you’ve worked for him for fifteen years and Mike almost seven now. You have a relationship with him and established trust. How am I supposed to have that with him when I can’t even look him in the eye?” “It comes with time, Claudia,” she rubbed my shoulder. “But if there is anything I can say to get you to trust the process, Harvey is loyal, almost to a fault sometimes. He will stop at nothing to make sure the people he cares about are taken care of. I can see that he wants that for you because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have given a shit if Griffin stole the file or not.”
Donna walked away after smoothing down some of the hair on my head, disappearing behind the corner. I let out a huff. She was right, I was being a little over dramatic.
Harvey had a reputation, though. How was I supposed to know if- no. This is unrelated to anything going on. Sort of. I just need to focus on the case. 
I pulled out the files and looked over them again, compiling all the notes into one space for easy recall. As I was looking through it, I found a loophole in one of the contracts that unbound our client from having to give up half of her company.
____
I paced up and down Harvey’s office, tapping my file in my hand as I went through all my key points in my head for today’s trial. I needed to lure, or bait rather, the witnesses into my questions to get them to admit to trespassing on our clients property. We had everything we needed; security footage, witnesses to testify on our behalf… Everything was all lined up. I just needed to blow it. 
I could do this, right? I had only spent all night doing a fake run of how today would go in my mirror, but then again anything could happen when I got into that courtroom today. Maybe they had another leg on us, maybe there was another witness they had to testify against us.
God dammit, if I screwed up today I wouldn’t get another case. Probably not ever again unless I packed up all my shit and moved to Iowa. 
Having Harvey there didn’t make me feel better. I thought it would, but as we worked together I realized he only made me more nervous. I couldn’t help it, he just looked at me this way I couldn't describe. It was incredibly annoying, I don’t know how Mike does it. Or Donna. Or Jessica or Louis or-
Jesus focus, Claudia. I rubbed my eyes with my thumbs. Just focus focus focus. I’ve been over it a million times. I could do this. I didn’t have a choice, court was in less than half an hour. 
“Claudia,” Harvey ripped me from my concentration, making me jump. “Sorry to startle you. Are you ready for today?” “Not really,” I admitted. “I am kind of freaking out, to be honest.”
“It’s okay,” he eased me to sit next to him. “What are you so nervous for?”
I chuckled, “Everything.” “Okay,” he gave a half-hearted laugh. “What specifically? Just name one thing that you are worried about.”
“I don’t know- forgetting cross examination questions? Screwing up the order so it doesn’t lead him into our trap? A billion things could go wrong and I’m not sure what to do if I freeze or stutter. What if the jury or the opposing counsel laughs at me?”
“That is not gonna happen, Claudia,” Harvey reassured. “You have prepared some amazing questions, you’ve got this in the bag.” “You know, I much prefer to stay in the background and do research. I don’t think I’m cut out to handle court stuff this is-”
“Hey,” he said so softly I almost didn’t hear him. He grabbed my trembling hand and held it between his own. My body went completely rigid, chest puffing in and out with heavy breaths. “You are going to do great today, I know it, Claudia. You are prepared, capable, and even more prepared. This is always what you’ve wanted to do, isn’t it?” I just nodded. Over the past week and a half of working together, I had told him what made me want to be a lawyer in the first place. About how I saw my best friends’ parents' business completely ruined by a group of robbers and their insurance did nothing to help them.
It made me so sad for them, made me feel so sick that I knew I had to do something to help them. I did my research and then brought it to them. They brought it to their lawyer and ended up getting a settlement for far more than they were ever gonna get. All because of me and my discovery that I made on my computer when I was thirteen.
“Okay. Think back to teenage Claudia for a moment. I bet she dreamed of being in this exact position. Where she can help people and give the sorry bastards who put them there a taste of their own medicine. Well, Claudia, here you are. Your very first case. Your very first helping hand. Your very first entrance into the world of the law. And you are going to absolutely shake up those witnesses, blindside them so hard they won’t have a choice but to tell the truth. This is your moment, Claudia’s moment. Don’t let fear take it from you, okay?” Again, all I could do was nod. And think about how warm his hand was in mine. We stood and he let go, leading me out of the office and down to his car waiting for him in front of the building. Ray, his driver, greeted me sweetly as I settled into the back seat with Harvey.
I flipped through my cards over and over and over on our way to the court house. Harvey snatched them from me. “Hey!” “You know the material,” he gave me a pointed look, sliding them in the breast pocket of his jacket. 
“I know but-” “There is no but,” he shrugged. “Have just one ounce of confidence, Claudia. Trust yourself.”
All of whatever I had been reading was swept from my mind as he placed his palm on my knee. I hadn’t realized it was bouncing up and down until he pressed against it to stop its movements. I tried to sit still, but I just started picking at my nails instead. 
“Claudia,” he said in a stern, commanding voice. I stopped my fidgeting, laying my hands flat in my lap. “Good, just relax. Everything will be alright.”
Highly doubtful. He was playing a dangerous game, and we both knew it. But neither of us said anything as he left his hand there the entire car ride. 
____
“After the conclusion of today’s trial, the jury here finds Fulton Dynamic guilty of trespassing and breaking and entering with intent to steal inside information.”
I felt the tension deflate from my body, eyes fluttering shut as the judges whacked the wooden disk on his stand. He said something, but I couldn’t even hear over the roar in my ear. Holy shit we won…
“Claudia,” Harvey shook my shoulder. I snapped my eyes to him. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice. 
I rested my head back against the seat, eyes focused on the window outside so I wouldn’t throw up. Man did I hate getting car sick every time I looked at my phone when in a car. The city lights were bright and fierce, unrelenting all hours of the day. Why on god's green earth did I decide to move to New York? Out of all the places I could’ve gone to work as an associate in this state, why did I choose the city? I hate the city. I’ve always hated the-
“Yoo-hoo,” I heard from my side. I lifted my exhausted head and gave Harvey a look. “Did you hear anything I said?”
‘Oh… n-no I’m sorry,” I stiffened, giving him my full attention. “What were you talking about?”
“I was just saying that you did a great job today, Claudia. You kicked ass in there,” he smiled.
“Thanks, Mr. Specter.” I just let out a sigh.
“You don’t think so?”
“Not really.” Anxiety swirled in my chest. Tears pricked my eyes and nose. 
“Why not? Claudia, you gave one of the best cross examinations I think I’ve ever seen. And the way you handled Cayhill? Defended Devlyn from those accusations? It was masterful.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
Silence hung between us. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “You did great today.”
“I was a complete idiot when I was defending Devlyn. I was way too animated and let my emotions get the best of me. For Christ's sake Judge Peterson gave me a warning.”
“I want you to take a guess at how many warnings judges give me when I’m the one in there leading the case.”
“You’re Harvey Specter, of course you… get a lot.”
“You right, I do get a lot. But that isn’t a bad thing. And I’ve been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you-” “That’s the problem,” I snapped. “You have been doing this for seventeen years and I’ve been doing it for ten days. I’ve barely got my toe in the water and I’ve already shown other lawyers and firms that I can’t keep my cool.”
“Claudia, you are passionate. I don’t see that as a huge problem in the courtroom. There needs to be a level of pushback from attorneys because if you, of all people on someone’s legal team, aren’t going to fight back, then you might as well be fired. Because you are the only person some people have hope for. You have to be aggressive and assertive sometimes to get the job done.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“I am going to teach you,” Harvey’s words completely short circuited my brain. 
“What do you mean?”
“Claudia, I think you’re going to be a great lawyer, even without my help. I know you struggle with confidence and that is all I want to help you with. To get some leverage over these other associates so you can climb that ladder.”
“I can’t just magically pull a wagon load of confidence out of my ass overnight,” I shook my head, folding my hands tightly together. “I don’t see how you can help me.”
The car pulled up outside the building and Harvey let out a sigh. Great. Now I’ve pissed him off, too. That’s exactly what I needed to do was piss off Harvey Specter after a great win. In all honesty, it had been a good day. I didn’t fumble the ball like I was going to, but this was completely taking away from them.
My door opened. Harvey looked down at me from outside and extended his hand. When did he get out of the car? I hesitantly took it, getting out and shutting the door behind me.
“Claudia,” Harvey started. “You need to learn to let go. To put the bad moments behind you.” “I can’t.” “Which is why you and I are going to go back up there and have a drink. Get to know each other a little bit so we can start building that trust. I know I intimidate you, and I try like hell to be as calm as I can around you, but one day Louis or Jessica or Donna is going to come into my office and give me some bad news. You might be there and see how I handle it. You might not, but I don’t want you to be afraid of that happening to you.”
“And how can I be sure that if I come up with a plan one day, and it falls through and goes to shit, you won’t flip out on me or fire me or-or-”
“Because I won’t. I give you my word. But I need yours as well.”
“Need my word, why?” “I need to know that you won’t think I’m a monster if you’re in the room and I lose my cool.”
I’ve never thought Harvey was a monster to begin with. I’ve always admired his ability to shut off his feelings and get the dirty work done. Of course I’ve seen that side of him a time or two, but never catastrophic like some of the stories I’ve heard from the third and fourth years.
“You have my word.”
The elevator chime brought me out of my spiraling momentarily to walk to Harvey’s office. The firm was empty, not even Jessica was here. He led me to his office and got to work on the drinks. My eyes wandered from him to the view through the window. This was the only part of the city I might’ve let myself enjoy from time to time. 
“Donna was right, you do have a lot of music,” I noted, taking in the wall filled with vinyl records. She mentioned it when I was caught with my head buried in a book in the library, some random Beatles song blasting so loud she could hear it down the hall. 
“You’re just now noticing that?” “Well, I haven’t exactly been in your office for anything other than to work on this case so… no I guess I never really noticed.”
“You can pick something to listen to, if you’d like.” He was gonna let me touch his records? This place was like a museum; autographed basketballs and baseballs, art hanging on the wall. “Or you can just stare at it.”
I flushed, picking up a record at random and handing it to him. In exchange, he handed me a glass a third full of whisky. I smelled it, it kind of made me scrunch my nose. I didn’t drink often; most of the time I was too tired to even feed myself let alone consume alcohol.
When I took a sip, I actually didn’t mind the taste. It was smooth, simple in flavor and didn’t burn too bad. Quite nice, for all it’s worth. 
There was a couch along the wall of records that I fixed myself on, Harvey taking the time to remove his tie and lay it across his desk before sitting across from me on one of the chairs. I toed off my pumps and set them on the floor beside the table. God damn did my feet hurt. 
“Do you do this with all the new associates?”
“What do you mean?” He asked, taking a seat in one of the chairs while I took up the couch. 
“I mean, when you think they’re ready, do you give them a case and help them get their foot in the door?”
“No, no I don’t,” Harvey admitted. “Louis is in charge of the associates. You know that.”
“Yes,” I nodded. “But I just thought that there was some deal between you guys: you have a mock trial with the new associates, whichever team wins gets to give a case to the best performing associate.”
Harvey laughed. I didn’t even know he knew how to do that. “Oh, Claudia, you really are that innocent, aren’t you?” My throat collapsed on itself. What did I say?
“Relax,” he set his glass down, swallowing his sip. “Yes, we do a fake trial every year for the first years, but we don’t just give them cases when they win. No one in their right mind would give a first year associate, fresh out of law school, the time of day. Normally they have to prove themself down the line, after years and years of loyalty to this firm to get their first case. And it’s usually pretty easy pro-bono shit.” I had to stop and think for a moment before I could speak. “You keep saying normally, usually… What are you saying?”
“What I’m saying, Claudia, is that in my decade plus of working here, I’ve never seen an associate who busts their ass quite like you. Who takes every ounce of bullshit from Louis and turns it into the Mona Lisa.”
“I think that everyone does tha-”
“No,” he cut me off. A stern look in his eyes, lips in that crooked line. “No they don’t. Not like you. You put your head down, get into it, and don't come up until you’ve found what you were looking for and thensome. You go above and beyond every time. You don’t go to Louis begging for more work, he brings it to you, and only you, because he knows he can count on you. Which means I know I can count on you, too.”
I honestly didn’t know what to say. I kind of just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. To make me evaporate and never see the light of day again. 
“Thank you, Mr. Specter. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but I am not very good in the spotlight. I don’t do well with… all of this.”
“I know, but I’m glad that you are trying anyway,” his smile was very charming. In a way that made his eyes crinkle. “So, besides giving a hell of a cross examination, what else do you like to do for ‘fun’?” 
“Well, for starters, your definition of fun, and mine, are going to be very different. I am a very solitary person, I don’t need to be around people to have a good time. Most of the time I prefer to go do things by myself because I find when I ask, people already have plans, or they’re faking having plans so they don’t have to hang out with me. I can’t tell what is the truth and what isn’t so I stopped asking… that was totally not what you asked. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble.”
“Go ahead, talk about whatever you want. I won’t judge you.”
A small part of me believed that he wouldn’t. A tiny, microscopic part. 
“There is nothing like the feeling of getting lost in a good book. I’m a complete sucker for a cliche rom-com where the bad guy gets the good girl.”
Harvey let out a dramatic puff of air, laughing into the space around us. 
“You said you wouldn’t judge!” I chuckled. 
“I’m not, it’s just lame. Come on, what do you really like to do for fun?”
“That is what I really like to do for fun,” I let my hand fall to the cushion beside me. “I told you, I am not a very interesting person. I don’t have time for a whole lot of anything other than working here so… Most of my hobbies have been put on the back burner through grad school and working nonstop.”
“If you could be any type of sea creature, what would you be?” 
“What does that literally have anything to do with anything we were just talking about?”
“It doesn’t,” Harvey smiled. “I’m just curious.”
“I don’t know, a jellyfish?”
“Really?” He questioned, one brow rising higher than the other. “I’d be a great white shark.”
“Of course you would,” I snickered. “Harvey Specter, the Great White of New York. If you wanted to be a real predator that no one fucks with, you should be an Orca.” “A whale?” “The killer whale,” I corrected. “They put sharks in the obituary for fun, you know. They sink yachts for fun, too. If you really want to be on top, be an Orca. No one in their right minds fucks with an Orca. They’re intelligent and not afraid of anything.”
“Aww, you think I’m intelligent and not afraid of anything?” Harvey mewled. 
“Well, duh you’re Harvey Specter.” Everyone knew it. Harvey was the baddest cat in the sky, you didn’t approach him without giving him your respect. Cause if you didn’t, a whole boat load of shit will be coming your way. 
Harvey rolled his eyes. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is more to Harvey Specter than the title my name comes with.”
“Of course,” I agreed. “Harvey Specter, badass attorney and the best closer New York has ever seen, killer whale of the corporate world.” Harvey couldn’t keep his laugh inside, sending the rumbling noise into the office. I made Harvey laugh, and I have for the past however many minutes. 
“You left out the part where I’m devastatingly attractive and charming,” his smirk was nothing short of either of those things. Devastating and charming. It cut through me like a hot knife. I knew I blushed because his eyes went to my cheeks and that spot at the base of my throat that always gives it away. 
My fingers tapped away anxiously at the glass in my hands, fingernails rattling against its crystal surface. 
“It’s late I should… I should go.” Great, now I’m flustered and stuttering. As quickly as I could, I threw my heels back on and reached for my coat. 
“Claudia-”
“Thank you for the drink, and for all your help on the case,” I hurried out, trying to not let my voice break and give away all the things I wanted to say. “Have a good night, Mr. Specter.”
“Claudia.” His voice commanded, stopping my movements. I held still on the couch, drinking in his stare. “Stay.”
“Mr. Specter I really should-”
“Harvey,” he bit out a little harshly. “Stop calling me Mr. Specter.”
“I’m sorry. Harvey, it’s late.” He just nodded, taking a sip from his glass. “And?”
“It’s been a long day and I think we should both go and get some much deserved rest,” I spoke quietly, resuming my nail picking from earlier. 
“Do you really want to leave?” 
It was such a loaded question. Yes, absolutely I wanted to fucking leave. But there was something deep in his eyes, deep in his voice that made me want to stay and explore. My heart was hammering in my chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, no matter how much I wanted to look away. It was impossible. 
“I don’t think you do,” he answered for me. “I told you I was going to help build your confidence.”
You never told me how, jackass, I thought. I swallowed, nothing going down, but I did it anyway. Harvey threw back what was left of his whisky and sat back, knees far apart, fingers drawing patterns on the arm rests of the chair. 
“Come here, Claudia.” What? “You heard me.”
Shit, I must’ve said it out loud. If I thought my heart was racing before, it sure as hell was halfway around the world now. Legs trembling, I rose. Why the fuck did I stand up? It wasn’t too late to make a beeline for the door and pray he didn’t catch up. Then again, it wasn’t like I could escape him, we worked in the same fucking building. On the same floor. 
When I came to a halt, a few feet in front of him, he held out his hand, palm up. As I put my fingers in his grasp, there was nothing I could do. Harvey yanked me to him, other hand catching my hip as I collapsed into him with a yelp. 
“Straddle my thigh,” he ordered. Something about the way his voice went down my spine made me obey. With extreme hesitance, I moved one leg on each side of his, lowering myself. I didn’t dare put all of my weight down. And he knew it because his hands came up to my hips and forced me all the way. 
“Sir, what are you-”
“Do not call me Sir unless you are ready to deal with those consequences.” His fingers dug into the exposed skin on my thigh, eyes full of his pupils. 
“Harvey, what are you doing? We shouldn’t be doing… whatever this is,” I tried to defuse the situation as best I could, but there was such a seriousness written in his features I wasn’t sure I could sway him. Maybe I didn’t want to, either. 
“How does it feel?” He asked.
I blinked, “H-How does what feel, Harvey?”
He smiled at the use of his name on my tongue. I hadn’t really ever called him by his first name.
“To have one of the most powerful men in the city underneath you, bent to your will?”
When I did look away from his face, to where I was seated on his lap, I felt my stomach start to twist and mold into something new. I did have Harvey Specter underneath me. Granted, at his own command, but still…
“And before you even think about it, no. I don’t do this with all the other associates.”
“Then why me?” My voice was a barely there whisper, gaze averted from his until his thumb caught my chin and made me look into his eyes. 
“Because I see something else in you that I don’t think anyone realizes. And I know the world will never see it unless you start believing in yourself and take control of the cards you’ve been dealt.”
I took a moment to steady my breath, and my uncontrollable thoughts. “And you think that whatever this is… you think this is going to help with that?”
Harvey shrugged, “I am in no way forcing you to be here, am I?”
My blush came creeping back. Of course he wasn’t forcing me to be here. I shook my head, my face just inches from his. I felt oddly relaxed under his touch.
“And I am not stopping you from getting up and leaving right now. It’s your choice, Claudia, but I think you want to be here, on my lap. Because if you didn’t, you would’ve already left.”
God dammit I hated this cocky son of a bitch. Was he right? Yes. Of fucking course he was. But the way his mouth curled up was dangerous. This was dangerous, and utterly a horrible idea. Was I really about to sit here, on one of my bosses thighs? He did look pretty good under me, shirt unbuttoned the top three, cologne wafting into the air every time he moved his head. 
Harvey’s hands came back to my hips as he leaned up.
“So, are you going to get up and leave? Or, are you going to ride my thigh while I tell you how pretty you look?” His breath tickled my ear, his lips trailing the space just below. I couldn’t help the shudder that went through my whole body, and I knew Harvey felt it because he cooed.
As I adjusted myself, I couldn’t help the movement, his breath on my skin was making me flutter, Harvey moved my hips back and forth. I felt the air take from my throat. The material of his pants against my core wracked through me. So unexpectedly I found myself pressing closer to him so I wouldn’t fall off. 
“That’s it, Claudia…” His voice was sickly sweet with praise. Harvey moved to fiddle with the front of his pants, and when I went to look, he caught my chin. “Eyes up here, sweetheart.”
“Harvey this… this isn’t the best idea,” I kept trying to reason. Not necessarily with him, but with myself. Obviously he wanted it, so why was I trying to convince myself to go?
“So?”
“This could have some serious implications if we don’t-”
He laughed against my neck, placing a few kisses right over where I always blushed. “Claudia, Claudia, Claudia. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You are wound far too tightly with concern. You need to let go, need to be out of control with something in your life.”
“Let me guess, that something is going to be you?”
“Only if you want it to be,” he said. “Look Claudia, I know we don’t exactly always see eye to eye on things, and we sure as hell haven’t really worked together, but that doesn’t make me less sure about this. About you. If you are having doubts, and this isn’t what you want, then walk away and we never have to talk about it ever again. But I think there is a part of you that really likes seeing me under you. That likes knowing you can make me this way.”
“And what if I do?” Harvey was right. God dammit he was right and he knew it. I looked and saw just what I had been doing to him. 
“Then just let yourself enjoy it because I know I want to.”
Man, he was quite the smooth talker. My resolve crumbled and I gave in. No, I didn’t give in, I made the choice to let this happen. Harvey wanted this too, for some reason known only to the great mother and beyond. This was not going to end well, I don’t know why I thought so, but I just know this is going to cause a problem down the road. Maybe it’ll be a good one, maybe it won’t– Jesus I need to get out of my head before I start thinking into oblivion. 
Harvey rolled his eyes, hand cupping the side of my face before his lips met mine. The gasp I let out… I could feel his smile. He guided my hand into the front of his pants, but did nothing else. Just left it there. 
When I tried to pull away, he bit my lip and pulled me right back in. Finger pressing into the front of my throat. In a commanding, possessive way that made my stomach burn with desire. 
I slowly traced around the outline of him. My fingers were trembling so fiercely that I wasn’t sure they were moving at all. As best I could control them, I made my way up to the waistband of his briefs, just… testing the waters. 
“You’re so close to where I need you,” Harvey purred, eyes looking at my surly swollen lips. “Go on, sweetheart, don’t be shy.”
I guess there really was no turning back. As my hand ventured further, I ducked down and swept my tongue into his mouth. He approved very enthusiastically. Harvey continued to guide my hips back and forth and back and forth across his thigh. All too gently, all too slowly. One of his hands kept working my hip, the other camp up around my throat.
How could he know that was one of my weakest sides? It didn’t prevent any air, but it was a firm reminder. 
His breath broke our searing lips when I moved my thumb over the tip of his cock. Harvey’s grip tightened on my throat and a noise slipped through my mouth. There was little I could do to keep my eyes from lulling back, head going with it. He made an effort to weave his fingers between my locks and pulled. A lot harder than I think he actually meant to. 
“Sorry, sweetheart,” he murmured against my ear, sending goosebumps down my neck and arms. “I can’t help myself when you make such pretty noises. I’ll be gentle.”
I huffed out a laugh, as best I could with the straight against my neck. “I don’t mind.”
“Those are dangerous words, Claudia,” he warned, bringing my head back up. His eyes were dark in a way I couldn’t process in that moment. His lips were red and his hair was a mess from my fingers. 
I tugged at him as emphasis for my earlier words. “I don’t mind you being rough with me.”
His eyes closed, and his jaw clenched. I continued my motions, slow and long, drawing divine noises from him. Even with his hands away from my hips, I still moved them, picking up pace with my hand. I took the liberty to occupy his mouth with my own, hopefully filling him with euphoria. It was fast, and quite messy. My hair was sticking to the back of my neck with sweat, and I could taste it on his skin when I couldn’t help but trail my tongue up his throat. 
Harvey murmured my name, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t now, not with the constant moans and praise from his tongue. ‘Just like that sweetheart’, ‘I know that pretty mouth of yours will feel so much better wrapped around my cock’, ‘Can’t wait to take you apart’.
With his release, warm and wet over the back of my hand, he stilled my hips. Fingers digging in. At some point my skirt rode up, or he tugged it over my ass, and his nails left long lines of scratches. I hissed, and Harvey was breathing deep.
Harvey’s grin was nothing short of animalistic as he looked at where my hand still connected us. “Look at that, sweetheart. Look how well you’ve done.”
I could do nothing to keep my blood from rushing to my face. When I moved my hand– not entirely sure if I should get up and clean it off– Harvey snatched my wrist. 
“Open.”
I was going to question him, but I watched his eyes flick over my surely swollen lips. I flushed deeper. And deeper again as he moved them into my mouth. Bitter, but not in a bad way. And If I had been thoroughly fucked, I’d undoubtably find it irresistible. 
“Good girl, Claudia.”
There would be no way to recover from hearing that. I shuddered, so hard I clamped his thigh between my own, and whimpered. Like I had never before. And his stare… the way his eyes watched my tongue circle over my fingers. As they watched me swallow him down. 
“I bet you didn’t even realize,” he tilted his head, tucking hair behind my ear, flopping it behind my shoulder. 
“Realize…what?”
“How you took control. How confident you were with your hand… with that wicked tongue of yours. It was like it was second nature for you, wasn’t it? I didn’t even have to tell you to keep moving your hips. You just did it.”
I didn’t even know I was doing most of it… It all just happened. At some point or another. 
“I wouldn’t say that I was confi-”
“Yes,” he interrupted. “You were. And that feeling, of being in control, is what you need to feel when you are in the courtroom. You were able to do it here, with me, to me. It was the most powerful and direct I’ve ever seen you.”
“Sex and being a lawyer aren’t exactly the same thing.”
“No, but you were able to feel safe and let yourself go. To release all that potential and work miracles.”
“You’d consider me giving you an orgasm a miracle?”
He chuckled, leaning so his lips brushed against mine. “Your hands do miraculous things to me, Claudia. I don’t normally give myself to someone the way I did with you. I didn’t have any second thoughts about it because I knew how willing you’d be to please me. And god damn do I love watching you pleasure yourself for me.”
In the minutes that followed, Harvey stood me up and straightened out my skirt. He did give me some hand sanitizer until I could go to the bathroom. I watched as he tucked in his shirt, buttoning his pants and rolling the sleeves back up his arms. 
“Harvey?”
“Yes, Claudia?” His voice was much more mellow. 
“How often is this… you know. Gonna happen?”
He smirked, “Why, already picturing yourself on your knees for me?”
I wasn’t, but I sure as hell was now. One thing that I needed to learn to do was control my facial reactions because judging by the way his stepped closer, he could see that I was, in fact, picturing his hand in my hair while he forced me to take it down my-
“Oh sweet sweet Claudia,” he chuckled, tilting up my chin. “You really are that eager to please me.”
“I was just wondering when you were going to return the favor.”
Harvey seized my throat, tighter than he had before. “Don’t you worry, sweetheart. I will have my name dripping from your tongue for so long you will forget it completely and beg for mercy. And when you beg for it, just know that you won’t get it until I say you do.”
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p3ndeja6 · 9 months
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Kyle b. x Latina! y/n
AGED UP
SUMMARY: kyle was good at every subject, algebra to physics; but there was one class he cannot seem to be good at, no matter how much he stayed after school or missed lunch to study. Spanish was just really hard for him. You on the other hand we’re fluent, born and raised. So Spanish was very easy for you.
warnings: smut! teasing, public sex, handjobs, praising!, degradation! (if you squint perhaps, idk lemme know), dirty talking! sub! kyle? dom! y/n?
(not proof read,, my bad)
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“dude you are really failing Spanish?” Stan questioned, “yeah dude, i don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m good at everything!” Kyle said frustrated. Kyle was worried about his grade in Spanish and it didn’t help that midterm report cards are coming in the mail tomorrow. “Dude what am I going to do!, I cannot fail Spanish and it shows on transcript” Stan and the rest of the boys were thinking. Until butters popped out of nowhere saying, “you can ask y/n! She has an A in Spanish and she’s Latina” he said wiggling his eyebrows.
Y/n… Kyle thought, he did notice you in his 8th Spanish period. He always thought you were cute and funny as well. He blushed on the thought on asking you for tutoring… usually he is the tutor. “Yeah dude, ask y/n she can really help you” Stan agreed. “I don’t know dude, do you think she would want to?” “Are you a fucking idiot? kyel I’m even smarter then that” cartman finally joined the conversation after eating his big ass BLT with just the B. Kyle couldn’t even talk back because he was right, just ask her for help. ‘I need at least a B+ in this upcoming test, fine I’ll ask her later today”
Kyle all day was wondering how would he approach you, ‘ hey can you tutor me?’ no no.. ‘uh hey ! is it cool if you can tutor me?’ nope ‘yo! tutor me’ god no!
8th period rolled around and he entered Ms. Vazquez class, he searched the room for your bright presence. He saw you in the back talking to Wendy, laughing and being pretty. He started walking back to you, “uh hey.. y/n can I ask you something?” “uhh.. yeah sure what’s up Kyle?” He was nervous, why was he nervous around you? “I wanted to ask you if you can tutor me on Spanish? It’s just I’m failing and you’re the only one I know who’s good at spanish and at teaching. So if you wouldn’t mind, I could pay you if you want-” “kyle!” He looked at you shocked “it’s okay! I’ll tutor you. Don’t worry about paying me” you said all sweet
“o-okay! um do you want to meet in the library?” “Yeah sure, If you get there before me pick the table in the back by the window!” “alright-” “atención niños, ya sonó el timbre por favor busquen sus asientos!” Ms. Vazquez exclaimed and class has already started
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kyle hurried to the library, ready to learn. He brought his notes, highlighters and laptop, he was determined to get an A on this test for Spanish. He sat in the table you clearly instructed him to sit at earlier today. He waited there patiently for your arrival. kids were leaving the building and buses were starting to leave. He heard the door open and there you were with your pink backpack holding your keys and your metal water bottle together making them clank around the quiet library. “ahh! There you are, this was exactly the table I was talking about, such a good listener!” She said. The way y/n said it made Kyle shiver a bit.
“okay Kyle let’s start on the last worksheet señorita Vazquez gave us” “oh yeah worksheet 3.5, I have that one!” “Great let’s start on that one to see how much help you need… okay so you basically need to fill in the blanks on the correct Spanish term, the first one is El supermercado esta or estas muy lejos?” “uhh estas?” “no kyle eso no fue correcto, that was not correct” you said now getting visibly closer. “Cmon kyle I know you know this” you said seductively. Your hand now reached his thigh, softly massaging it closer to his crotch. His breath hitched, he started to breath rapidly. Twitching in your touch.
“uhh I- I- I think it’s.. esta?” He stuttered, “si! muy bien!, such a good boy Kyle” you whispered the last part “did you know good boys get rewarded?” You were now softly clutching his dick, feeling it get harder in his tight pants. Kyle started to whimper in your touch. “Next one Kyle, el jarrón está or estaba lleno de agua?” kyle was trying so hard to concentrate on the question, you started to unzip his pants and put your hand on top of his clothed dick, feeling it get big and twitch in your hands. Giving the clothed tip a slight squeeze. “Cmon mi vida, what’s the answer?” You teased him. “Uhh it’s esta” he kept losing focus but if he answered correctly you’d give his cock the attention he desperately wanted. “You’re such a smart boy” you kept rubbing on his now sensitive dick, you finally took him out of his suffocating boxers. Making his hard cock spring up, all red and precum leaking from the cherry red tip. “Now be a good boy for me Kyle and don’t make any noise, because we do not want to get caught.. do we?” You teased, kyle was shaking over how overstimulated he was being, all he did was nod because if he opened his mouth, loud moans and whimpers would escape. “ah uh I need you to use your words querida” using Spanish pet names were really getting him all riled up, all he could muster up was “y-yes” “okay! next question” he looked at you confused and frustrated, “what? I’m here to tutor you Kyle” you smiled innocently leaning over the table on your elbow and now started to stroke Kyle’s big dick
“en el cielo se puede/puedo ver júpiter desde aquí?” you started to increase the stroking speed a bit, he couldn’t focus all he could focus on was the pleasure he was receiving, “kyle what’s the answer?” you started to slow down again, he noticed the slowed friction, “it’s uh puedo” “no that’s incorrect” you took your hand off his dick. “no! please- more- please” he begged in such a slutty matter, your pussy started to throb and soak over his sweet whimpers you caused him,rubbing your legs together trying to ease the the throb in your panties. “you didn’t get it correct, so I’m not going to touch you until you get this next one correct” kyle whimpered, trying to focus on the questions “this one is now different, en que año se independizo finalmente mexico?, I hope you know dates” he knew this one, it was so easy. “1821!” You started stroking him again, “good! Such a smart boy, how would my smart boy like to get rewarded?” You stroked him painfully slow “y-yes please- please touch me” he embarrassingly said. you loved the way you powered over him and complied for his request “ok mi niño, I’ll touch you, only because you’ve been so good for me” You started to stroke his hard cock, rubbing the tip to get him even more harder then what he already is.
Kyle started grilling the table trying so hard not to make any noise, “you like that huh? All tense over my soft hand on your beautiful cock” “what I would do to have your dick in my pretty ,small mouth” you seductively said in his ear. He let one moan escape over the way you’re talking to him. “f-fuck y/n please-” I want you to ask me in Spanish” his brain is all mush “por favor y/n dame mas” “que lindo te vez asi, hecho bolas en mis manos” you pumped him faster, squeezing his tight balls. you felt his dick twitch, you knew he was about to cum. “Y/n I’m about to cum-" “yeah? I want you to cum, fill my hands with your babies” that did it for him, he bite his lip so hard trying not to make any noise, tasting the copper from all the bitting he has been doing. He leaned his head back; feeling the sweat beads and his curly hair stick to his forehead, softly swearing profanities under his breath. “I’m cumming!” He softly spoke, kyle let his load off on your pretty manicured hands. “Fuck baby, had all that cum in there for me huh?” Kyle was too fucked out, head fell on the table trying to catch his breath. He started feeling light-headed, you licked off majority of his cum off your hands, wiping the rest with a make-up remover you had in your backpack.
“I think you will pass the Spanish test, pretty good at it. Don’t know why you’re failing” you teased while collecting your things. You got up and bent behind Kyle. “Next time let’s study in my room, we can do more than handjobs.” You butterfly kissed his neck, kyle leaning to give you access. You giggled and stood straight. “I’ll see you later Kyle”
You left Kyle still strung out on his orgasm he just had in the public library. You walked to the other isle and saw Bebe and Wendy with wide eyes. “that’s how you do it, see you later cabronas” you laughed off to go jerk off to kyles moans you had forever engraved in your brain.
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340 notes · View notes
kissagii · 1 year
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Yo! I have a doozy of a request >:)
Okay mha, aizawa, with an adult son/daughter (idk the gender neutral term. Child?? I think it's child?) Who is a hero overseas and one day DIES.
Aizawa hears it some how, goes into grieving, and then...
Reader just shows up... in his house... raiding his fridge (but make it funny)
It turns out reader had to fake their death to go undercover to kick some villans butt and they needed to lay low for a while so they came back home.
Comfort angst-turned Crack!
got it! i loved this concept, it's so amazing <3 <3 <3
i don't think i went crazy enough with the comedy because for some reason i felt like a more wholesome route would work better
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safe and sound
aizawa x child!reader ; wc. 0.9k
cw: cursing, reader is presumed dead, it's a lil graphic, not proofread
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There were times when Aizawa Shota regretted becoming a father. This was one of them. He knew that his profession put his child in danger of losing a parent at any moment, but he promised himself every day that he would return home safely for their sake. It was what kept him going. But what he had never expected was that he would be the one to lose someone so dear to his heart in a hero mission.
Aizawa was in the middle of a nap when Kaminari shouted the news. “OH MY GOD, THE X-TEAM VANISHED!”
Aizawa knew that team all too well: it was your team.
“Give me that,” He muttered, taking Kaminari’s phone from his hand and skimming through the article. 
X-Team… heroes sent abroad… villain ambush… notorious killers… location unknown… heroes vanished… presumed dead. He reread those last few words. “All heroes presumed dead.” It couldn’t be - it just couldn’t. You had to be alive… you had to.
In that moment, as he sobbed on the floor of his classroom, Aizawa Shota wished he had never encouraged you to be a hero, never let you join the agency known for taking on the most brutal internatonal missions, never taken in a child with such immense potential only for that potential to be cut short in such a terrible accident.
Weeks of searching were to no avail. Try as they might, international heroes could find nothing regarding the X-Team’s location, not a piece of clothing, or a message, or a villain that might spill. Until they found the bodies. Three of them, young adults, disfigured beyond identifiability. But one of them lined up with you - same height, build, gender, age… and clearly the victim of the villains you were chasing. For all Aizawa knew, it was you.
Aizawa Shota is a tired man. He always has been. But weeks of sleepless nights, long days of worrying, and the nightmares… it took a toll on him. He was barely functioning as a teacher and as a hero. Only pure exhaustion would make him sleep, and what little rest he got would never last. So it was no surprise when he, having not slept in days, hallucinated a person in his house.
Illuminated only by the light of the fridge (which, he noticed, had been largely emptied of its contents), the imaginary person turned to him and waved, mouth full of food.
“‘Ello!” They said, grinning. Aizawa knew that voice. That was your voice.
“Oh god… I’m losing it,” He muttered to himself, “I’m fucking hallucinating.”
“But you’re not though? Waittt are there two of me? Or a shadow demon in the corner? HI SHADOW DEMON!!” 
Perhaps it really was you - his child, the little creature he raised from nothing, his reason for living and the most amazing person in his life. 
“Ah, shit, you probably think I’m dead, don’t you? Long story short it was a whole scheme, our cover got blown so we had to hide for a while, the villains wanted to make it look like they killed us, we got in undercover with some reinforcements and they took forever to get to us, then all of a sudden we get out of our hidey hole and everyone thinks we’re dead? I dunno, it was pretty wild though. Sorry for spookin’ you… but we got the job done so it’s fine, right?”
Your father collapsed into your arms. Your very solid, very real, very alive arms. For weeks it had seemed hopeless, like he’d truly lost you. But all that time… all that time you were working diligently, making the best of your situation, the dedicated child he loved so much. Home at last, safe.
“Dad? Daaaaad. There’s really no need to cry, I’m fine! Yeah it was messy, but hey, it all turned out fine! It always does, doesn’t it?” Though you complained, you missed your father. Two months away from home, one of which was spent cut off from most of the world, took a toll on you too.
“Kiddo… you can’t just scare me like that,” Whatever strength he had left was put entirely into the rib-cracking embrace he gave you, tears soaking into your shirt, “I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you.”
“Hey dad, do you remember what you told me when I was little?” He nodded. “How I wasn’t allowed to worry about you when you went on missions because you’d always find a way back to me? Well, now that I’ve gone pro, I think it’s time that bargain went both ways. Because our silly little family - Auntie Kamaya, Uncle Yamada, those other kids you adopted from UA, you, and me - we’ll stick together.”
Aizawa let go of you, placing his hands firmly on your shoulders and looking into your eyes, “Yeah… I’ll try not to worry. Now I’m going to sleep… and you’d better have the fridge reorganized by the time I wake up.”
“Reorganized, restocked, and breakfast on the table. For all the stress I caused you,” You promised as he trudged to his room. Now, there was only one issue between you and seet, sweet sleep - how the hell were you going to get groceries to make breakfast if the whole country thought you were dead???
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©king-of-dreamers 2022
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hinaaspanda · 1 year
Text
shall we dance? | l.jy
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pairing: hiphop dancer! lee juyeon x ballerina! fem reader
warnings: 18+ content, swearing, mentions of alcohol and falling asleep after getting too drunk lmao 
genre: rivals(ish) to lovers, fluff, angst if you squint, smut: fingering, breast worship (idk what it’s actually called, he just kinda spends his time on that area hnagdja), cowgirl, praise
wc: 9,381
Lee Juyeon was never someone you considered as a teammate. Sure, you were in the same dance team, but your minds and personalities were worlds apart from each other. He was stubborn and childish, while you strived for perfection; it was a match made in hell. So imagine your reaction when your dance instructor appoints the two of you to work together at the school’s annual dance fesitval! Will the two of you survive?
a/n; hi again! I’m back with my first ever fic for the boyz! i had to write abt my bae juyeon omg fhkdufhusgf. it’s just in time for juyeon month too! anyways, enjoy!
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God was testing you, that was for certain.
“Do either of you have any questions?” Your dance instructor gazed at you with doe eyes, genuine curiosity plaguing her features. You, meanwhile, were fighting every urge to scoff right in her face. As a matter of fact, you did have just one question. 
What the hell was going on?
“We’ll be fine, Mrs. Kim. We won’t let you down!!” A second voice peaked through your ears. A voice that irked you beyond belief. That voice in question? None other than the personified headache on two legs—Lee Juyeon. The man you’d be trapped with for the next week, choreographing a dance in a genre you knew nothing about. Hesitance lining your frame, you nod to your instructor before she concludes the meeting and escapes the dance practice room. On the outside, you appeared calm and collected, hardly disheveled by the current news. Inside, however? You were screaming and panicking. 
To fully relish in the horror of the situation, you have to understand how much of a nuisance Lee Juyeon really was. The two of you could not have been further from each other. You see, Juyeon was not one to care for perfection—to say he was tardy would be an understatement. The hip hop major would show up to team practices on his own terms, which usually meant about 20 minutes past the actual start time, complete with an iced coffee from the convenience store down the street. He would never fail to spend the rest of your joint practice time fooling around with his little goons, cracking jokes that deserved an eye roll—if not more. You, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than perfection. You worked your ass off for a seamless, perfect performance every time, and Juyeon would do nothing but taint that. 
You and Lee Juyeon. A ballerina and a hip hop dancer. There was no doubt you two were worlds apart. So, how the hell were you two supposed to work together?
A groan spilt from your lips as you pivoted, turning away from your so-called dance partner. This was all just some sick, torturous dream. None of this was real. Soon, you’d wake up in your comfy bed; in a reality that didn’t involve this duet of nightmares. 
“y/n! Wait up!” His voice peaked in your ears again—nails to a chalkboard. “Where are you going?”
“Where do you think? I’m going home!” You spat, pivoting back to face him. “Do you really believe we’re gonna be able to work together? We’re complete opposites, Juyeon. Knowing us, there’s no way we’d be able to co-operate. And don’t even get me started on that insane deadline! How are we supposed to get anything done in 5 days?” 
Juyeon inches closer to your figure, his hand clinging onto the nape of his neck. “Look, I’m not too stoked for this, either, but it wouldn’t hurt to try and work together.”
You choke, expecting anything but that response. Since when was Juyeon so willing to cooperate? “Are you serious?”
Juyeon nipped at his lips, pausing. His eyes bore through you—there wasn’t a joke in sight. “Almost everyone in our team gets along—except us. It’ll improve our overall teamwork.”
You gulp. Juyeon’s caught you tongue tied. Were you even listening to the same man you knew 5 minutes ago? You look up at the dancer, finally granting him the light of day. His eyes, however, were already on you, practically piercing through your skin. 
“I promise, y/n, I won’t let you down.”
His words; they were weird. He’s said that exact phrase already—to your dance instructor after she bore the two of you the bad news. Nevertheless, this time felt different. They felt more genuine. Could you really trust him?
You gulp once more. “Fine.”
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As you sat on the bus ride home that night, you gaze at your phone. Your digital calendar was littered with timestamps and reminders; the chaotic schedule you and Lee Juyeon had planned for this god forsaken performance. It was funny, the conception of this small schedule was already enough to spark an argument between the two of you, with him deeming it to be completely useless. May it be the first argument of many.  
Your chest, meanwhile, began to tighten at the thought of him. Today alone, it was as if he’d changed over night, flipping on his head like an airplane in turbulence. In the three years you’ve known him, you’ve never seen him so considerate, so thoughtful. It made you queasy, sick to the stomach. 
Would you even be able to survive?
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Juyeon’s car was stuck in the parking lot. 
It wasn’t because of poor weather conditions or a case of bad traffic, however. On the outside, everything was fine. Completely normal. And yet, Lee Juyeon couldn’t be bothered to set his car in reverse and drive out of his cramped parking spot. The reason?
Lee Juyeon was stuck on the thought of you. 
He wasn’t really sure why, if he was being completely honest. In his mind, you were worlds apart—aside from dance, there was absolutely nothing tethering you two together. The y/n he was familiar with was the definition of uptight and cranky, rarely uttering a word to the people she was supposed to regard as teammates, apart from maybe one person. It was as if the concept of ‘fun’ or ‘relaxation’ were unavailable in your robot itinerary. Your only hobbies consisted of endless practice—hell, you practically lived in the studio—and scowling at Juyeon every time he called you by his nickname. 
It was weird. Despite all of that—your reputation and bitter attitude—Juyeon found a burning sensation creeping in his chest every time he thought about you. Every time he walked by the studio well after practice was finished for the day, only to see the cheap lights still flickered on, with your figure still on the dance floor; it was as if motivation burned through his chest. When it came to you, Lee Juyeon didn’t feel the urge to slack off, to skip practice for the day. 
He didn’t want to let you down. 
Juyeon cleared his throat, adjusting himself in the driver's seat. Motivation. Yeah, that’s it. That’s all it was. It explained the sudden urge to even go through with this performance in the first place. It explained the burning sensations in his chest. Pushing his car shift forward, Juyeon backs his car out of the parking spot he’d been loitering at for what felt like an eternity. The lights of his dashboard blinded him, sending his sorry ass back to reality. A reality where he wasn’t constantly thinking of you. The stone cold princess from another world. 
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First practice and Juyeon was already driving you insane. 
The ivory stained fabric crashed onto the ground, but your fingers were too limp to give a damn. 
“You want my number?” You quizzed over your shoulder, too lazy to properly face the boy lacing up his shoes. “What for?” 
“I dunno, so we can, like, plan stuff or something?” Juyeon suggested, too busy admiring his own features to spare you a glance. You watched as he lifted a hand to gently stroke his jaw, a self asserting smirk lining his lips before finally giving you the light of day. “Shouldn’t we be, like, talking more for this thing?” 
Lacing up your hair away from your face, you shot eagle eyes at your reflection. You wanted to ignore Juyeon’s words, how they were beginning to convince you. And yet, for some reason, you were struggling to do just that. Without hesitation, you curl your body into your first stretching warm up of the day. Never in your life did you think Lee Juyeon wasn’t right. He never was.
“I didn’t know you were so keen on communication” You huff, rolling your eyes. You refuse to make eye contact with Juyeon, though it was something you’ve been struggling with lately. 
“Well, I happen to think communication’s key for good teamwork!” the dancer boasted, completing his arm stretches as he sauntered towards you. “What if things change at the last minute, and you have no other way of knowing? Wouldn’t that just make you more stressed?”
Pausing your stretch routine, you nip at the skin of your lips. Only now did you notice a particular figure standing practically flush against you. Your shoulder mere millimeters before his chest. His head dipped close to your cheek, with barely a sliver of space in between your two frames. You barely noticed all of that. And yet, you did almost immediately notice the deep resin of Lee Juyeon’s voice cradling your ear. 
“We wouldn’t want our princess getting stressed, now would we?”
Your heart was racing—unwantedly so. What was with that switch up? And don’t even get started on that very new, very weird nickname. You felt your breath shorten, quickening with each second you spent trapped in Juyeon trance, his territory. You were frozen, only managing to move by small increments as you slowly turned to face him. Gazing at your dance partner, you couldn’t help but notice how fast the skin of your cheeks flared up. How quickly your mind drew to a blank. Where on earth did this new Juyeon even come from? 
And why were you hesitating to run away?
"W-what are you—" you stutter out, your voice a hush.
Suddenly, a wide and devious grin stretches on Juyeon’s face, his eyes turning into full crescent moons. He huffed out a chuckle before quickly bending down to grab a pen from his bag. You were still so frozen, you didn’t even have the willpower to disobey what he said next. 
“Give me your hand,” He requests innocently, a complete 180° from how he was just 5 minutes ago; pure evil. Still not fully out of your trance, you shove your limp hand towards his chest, practically spacing out as he cups your palm in his giant hand. Juyeon scribbles the pen onto your skin, the friction tingling against you—but you didn’t have the resolve to admit you were ticklish. Finally, he lets go of your hand, the lack of warmth lingering in your brain a little longer than you thought it would. Sealing the stationary back up, Juyeon shoots one final grin your way before tossing the pen back in his bag. You glance down at the back of your palm; 10 digits and a poorly drawn heart right beside it. You scowl, though it was really only to hide your rapid heartbeat. 
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“I’m gonna kill Professor Choi, just watch,” Kim Sunwoo grits through his teeth, holding his head in his hands as he continues to drown in the sea of physics homework. You watched as he slowly regressed further into the floor, the layers of worksheets giving him actual, attainable pain. Your own stack of unfinished assignments was nothing to scoff at, either. With your brain too occupied with the dance festival performance, you had just a sliver of time to actually sit down and work on your assignments. 
You watch as Sunwoo trudges upwards, sludging to your kitchen and opening your fridge as if it were his own. He pulls out an emerald can, cracking it open on just one hand. “I’d hate to be in your shoes, though. How do you even balance all this with dancing?”
“Please, don’t even get me started” You leaned back, your arms holding you up as you stretched from your criss-cross position. “That dance festival is more of a pain in the ass than you could ever imagine” 
“Oh yeah, right. How’s that going, anyways?” 
Your best friend's words had the audacity to summon your brain, to reel your thoughts back to the first practice you’ve ever had with Lee Juyeon. The way his figure was mere millimeters away from yours, his breath grazing your cheek. The way his hand practically swallowed yours whole as he wrote his number on your palm—against your better judgment of staying out of touch. The cheeky little smile he shot at you before wisping away, beginning his stretches. It all stained your brain, plagued you with a madness you couldn’t explain. An unfamiliar swirl danced at the pit of your stomach, as graceful as you would during a dance practice accompanied with little to no sleep the night before. Lee Juyeon was making you sick
You gulp, The crescents of Juyeon’s eye smile in particular staying in your mind for longer than you anticipated. Suddenly, the rubbery texture of an eraser crashing into your nose jolts you awake. “Oi, y/n!”
Clearing your throat, you sit up straight. You needed to get those thoughts out of your head. Fast. “Right, yeah-”
“You’re falling for that Juyeon guy already, I see,” Sunwoo smirks, his eyebrows wiggling infuriatingly. Your eyes spill from their sockets, jaw dropping to the floor. 
“What? No! Are you crazy?” You sputter, fidgeting and spazzing like a tree struck by lightning. You chuck your pencil case straight towards his chest; a reflex for his stupidity. Your brows drill to the center of your forehead as you whip your head towards your beloved best friend’s direction. “How do you even know he’s my partner?”
“My lab partner, Jaehyun, rooms with him,” Sunwoo takes a swig of his coke before diving back into his worksheet—or more accurately; his phone. “I guess Juyeon talks about you a lot. I heard he already made his move on the first practice,” Sunwoo said through giggles.
Your chest tightened, that same image of the dancer swimming into your brain. Did he actually talk about you? And why did that even matter?? You steal Sunwoo’s drink, dipping your head back to take in the whole beverage in one fatal swoop. Crashing the can down onto the table, you clear your throat again. “He didn’t make his move okay? He just asked for my number.”
“Well, did you give it to him?” Sunwoo leaned in, curious.
You paused, your breath stuck in your windpipe. You gulped again. “No, are you kidding?”
Almost immediately, you shoot up from your spot on the floor. Stretching your back, you zoom to the kitchen, embarrassment cringing in your chest. You weren’t really sure why you lied. Maybe you were just in denial. Or maybe you just wanted to forget it all. You rummaged through your pantry, diving head first into the snacks you barely even remember purchasing. At least now they served some purpose. You pull out some cheese puffs, obliterating them within seconds. One thing you were completely sure of, is that Sunwoo was anything but right. 
You were not falling for Lee Juyeon. 
Back at the table, moments before Sunwoo contemplates actually trying to get some work done, a ping pops from your phone. Curiosity overtook him, and seeing as though you were busy digging a hole through your pantry, Sunwoo took it upon himself to open your phone. A silver bar falls from the top of your phone screen, the name sending Kim Sunwoo to the heavenly gates of pride. 
Lee Juyeon [7:58 pm]: what time u showing up for practice tmr?
Your best friend was a grinning idiot for the rest of the day. 
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Juyeon wasn’t at all surprised when he heard music playing from the practice room already. He knew exactly who was in there, practicing to perfection. 
He stopped himself just before the practice room doors, his eyes trailing your reflection in the mirror. You were so focused, you couldn’t bother to notice his figure standing right at the door. He leaned against the wall, watching as you moved to the delicate music, your footsteps so nimble they hardly touched the floor. His eyes followed you at every twirl and wide-legged jump you performed, his chest tightening at the sight of you. 
Lee Juyeon was in awe. 
Toying with the velcro strap of his gym bag, Juyeon’s eyes were physically incapable of leaving you. He wanted nothing more than to watch you dance, to thrive on the dance floor. The burning sensation in his chest soon sunk down, fluttering just above his stomach. Without realizing, his heart raced every time you twirled to the music. Juyeon gulped. 
Was he falling for you? 
Slowly, Juyeon took a step into the practice room, chucking his bag into the closest corner he could find. 
He wasn’t so sure anymore.
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Currently, you have about eight days left before the performance. 
And yet, you were distracted as ever. 
The music rummaged through your brain like a gofer to dirt—drilling holes into the parts of your brain that stored its logic and critical thinking.  Sweat beaded from the crown of your head—it was natural, considering you’ve lost count of the times you’ve practiced your routine. You twirled into Juyeon’s embrace, your hand in his as he spun you below his arm. The two of your bodies; a well oiled, factory grade machine as you danced under the starry night of the studio room. Effortlessly, each limb guides one move into another, as your two figures near the end of your performance. 
You two halt your movements, standing still in the center of the wooden tiled floor. This practice was the utmost crucial; it was the first time you and Juyeon would practice the high point of this whole performance, the main event—the lift.
The act in which one dancer, usually the stronger, grabs their partner by the waist and lifts them above the air. It’s an incredible feat that only the most impressive dancers can truly surpass. Nervousness overtook you, your skin freezing to ice. You’ve never dared to do something so rash, so bold in the entirety of your dancing career. 
Could you even do this?
“Are you ready?” A voice chimes in, shocking you awake. Your eyes shoot to the mirror to see Juyeon ghosting your back, his chest flush against your shoulder blades. You gulp, taking extra notice at his hands; most innocently placed at either side of your waist—bare, due to your haphazard ability to get ready in the morning. His fingers felt rough, callous against yours, a metal ring stationed at his middle finger sending more chills down your skin. “y/n?”
A lump jumps out of your throat. For whatever reason, your vocal chords seemed to be sealed shut, no words sliding from your lips in response. Not thinking much of it, your dance partner chuckles at your silence before pulling his hands away from your skin. Something your chest twinges at the loss of his touch, but you chose to ignore it. Juyeon moves to stand right in front of you resting a hand on top of your head as he sends you a smile.  
“Don’t worry, I got you, okay?” Juyeon boasts, curling his bicep in a flexing position worth all of the eye rolls on the world. “I worked out extra just for this, you know.”
You hated how easy his words made your stubborn eyes peek at his figure. Your breath hitched, only now noticing how muscular Lee Juyeon really was. You already knew he towered your stature, but only at this very moment did you realize just how built his shoulders were. Your eyes glided down to his hands, equally—if not more—muscular than the rest of his body. The exact same pair of hands responsible for holding you by the waist, sending your figure soaring through the air. An image of that exact occurrence replayed in your mind like a broken record. 
With your cheeks flushed beyond belief, you snap your head around, concealing your pathetic figure away from the stupid hip hop major. “Shut up, Juyeon.”
One hesitant nod was all it took before Juyeon’s hand latched onto your waist once again. You gulped. It was a perfect fit. With one last glance at you, Juyeon shoots your body into the air, lifting your frame over his head with his arms. You couldn’t believe it; you were soaring amidst the puff of clouds, defying all of the pitiful limits of human nature. You were flying, it was amazing. 
Until it wasn’t.
In about T-minus 10 seconds, reality shook you to your core. You were, in fact, 6 feet in the air, with nothing but a pair of oddly strong hands tethering you to the ground. You were going to die, undoubtedly so. Your body shivered in fear, your hands reaching for Juyeon’s like it was a life source. “Wait—put me down!”
Within seconds, Juyeon listened, propping you back down to the ground. Your body was flush against his, arms knotted around his neck as one of his forearms clung tightly around your waist—never daring to let go. Your heart was jumping out of your chest at the near-death experience. Juyeon’s eyes never pull away from you, worry and fear swelling in each pupil. It was as if all of the immaturity and childishness you associate him with had disappeared from his being, leaving an actually soft, and caring character in its wake. “Oh my god– are you okay!?”
Due to your life literally flashing before your eyes, only at this exact moment did you notice how close you and Juyeon were. Mere millimeters hung between your faces, his raspy breath grazing your skin. Only now did you notice how tight Juyeon kept you against his body as you hung from his neck. An uncomfortable swirl stared at your stomach again, your chest beating rapidly. The two of you stood still; just like that for what felt like ages. The music that accompanied your practice session slowly fading away. It was just you and him. Nothing else in the world surrounded your two frames. 
A part of you, however, didn’t completely mind it. 
You clear your throat, your two figures jumping apart as you did so. What the hell were you thinking? You hated Lee Juyeon. Everything about him; from his work ethic to his stupid eye smile. Your eyes drill to your feet, realizing that you have yet to answer Juyeon’s question. 
“I’m okay.”
You expected the boy to start teasing you. Maybe he’d comment on how ungraceful you were—very unnatural for a ballerina. Or maybe he’d start laughing at you. It was a normal thing to anticipate. But was anything ever normal when it came to Lee Juyeon?
You already knew your answer. 
Cotradictingly, Juyeon’s palm gently patted the crown of your head, lightly ruffling the locks of your hair. He shot you another eye smile—a ray of sunshine you needed to protect yourself from. “That’s good, I’m glad.”
Your eyebrows furrow. “Why do you care so much?”
His eyes never managed to leave your gaze. “Come on, is it so weird that I care about my dance partner?”
You pull your gaze away. “Yes.”
With a soft chuckle, Juyeon flicks your forehead. “Well, too bad. I care about you, dummy.”
You stayed silent. Why was your heart fluttering? 
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Checking the weather app was simply useless, not with the rain droplets crashing into the walls and windows of the campus lobby. 
You looked through the glass, defeat pulling your shoulders further into the tiled floor. Bussing home in this weather would be near to impossible with the harsh showers. And what makes it all worse? A quick check on your bus app only lets you know how late your designated bus is; approximately 20 minutes. 
The jingle of keys creep up from behind you, summoning an eye roll almost immediately. You didn’t even need to turn around to know who the owner of the metal even was—it had Lee Juyeon written all over it. You scowl, hugging your body as you continue to face away from him. He probably was only here to flaunt how unfucked he was, a strong contrast to how fucked you were. 
“How are you getting home?” Juyeon speaks up anyways. Typical. 
“Bus.” You murmur, turning to him. “Look, if you’re here to tease me or something, save it. I’m not feeling it.”
“Woah! Okay, for your information, I wasn’t planning on teasing you.” Juyeon throws up his hands in defense, as if you held him at gunpoint. “In fact, I was gonna ask if you wanted a ride.”
Your eyes lit up for a second. A ride. Protection from the outdoors. It was everything you’ve ever wanted. You clear your throat. No. This was Lee Juyeon. It didn’t matter if he was being considerate, or sweet even. This was anything but what you wanted. You needed to get a grip.
“I’m alright, thanks,” Your voice was soft, hesitant.
“You sure?” He quizzed, your silence overwhelming him with his answer. He huffed a sigh, pausing before unzipping his bag and rummaging through the fabric. “Suite yourself, but you should at least take this.”
Dropping his gym bag, Juyeon inches closer to you. For a split second, his arms wrap around your frame, sending a sharp inhale through your chest, your chest which had already felt tight since he first moved closer to you. His warmth lingered in your mind. The sounds of crashing rain began to fade away—though the skies never cleared up. It was as if you were hallucinating, moments away from losing your mind. After a few seconds, he opens up his arms, draping fabric over your shoulders. It was an instant warmth. 
“What’s this?”
“My jacket—you’ll freeze to death if you go out like this!”
You glance down at your outfit; a cropped sweater made from some cheap fabric, and leggings summoning anything but warmth. Your partner was right, you weren’t prepared in the slightest. “Oh… What about you?”
You gulp. Since when did you care?
“I’ll be fine. I’m driving anyway. Plus, I’m still pretty hot from practice.”
You felt a specific heat creep onto your cheeks, until you realized that Juyeon was only talking about sweating. You idiot. You hide behind the fabric, eyes trailing the ground. “Uh, thanks.”
He pulls your—or, more rightfully, his— hood over your head, patting the crown gently. Meanwhile, you couldn’t help but feel this weird swirl at the pit of your stomach. “Take care, y/n!”
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Currently, Juyeon’s friends were congregating on his couch. The objective of this meeting? Planning the house party that was set for this weekend, the last thing on the list being who they were going to invite. Though Juyeon had his own, more personal objective; to stop thinking about the most recent practice with you—it’s been plaguing his mind all afternoon. And he was failing. Pathetically. 
“What about y/n? Should we invite her?” Juyeon heard his own voice through his confused ears. His mind—all proper reasoning—was clearly lacking behind; he could tell from the confused stares that were plastered on all of his friend’s faces. Clearly, Juyeon missed the memo on “close friends only” being this party’s apparent theme. Could anyone really blame him, though? In his very weak defense, he was too caught up on the thought of you to listen.
“Park y/n? Your dance partner for that festival thing, right?” Lee Jaehyun, his roommate and best friend, cocks an eyebrow; perplexed beyond belief. “You sure? I heard she's a little weird.”
Juyeon grew the slightest bit bitter at his roommate’s words, though he couldn’t explain it. 
“Oh yeah,” Ju Haknyeon, another one of Juyeon’s friends, chimed in, his back leaning into the plush of the beat up couch. “She’s in my psych. class this term. She’s always got her hand up like her life depended on it, bro. It’s kind of creepy, if you ask me.”
Juyeon could feel his knuckles tensing. Who was he to call you creepy? 
Kim Younghoon, the last of Juyeon’s clique, leans forward, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth like a complete mouth. He didn’t even bother to swallow before chiming in. “I heard she’s a total pain during your guy’s dance practice—Changmin’s told me a few things, anyway. Is she always so bossy around you guys?”
A flame rose in Juyeon’s chest. His friends were making it infuriatingly clear; they didn’t know jack shit about you. With his hands subconsciously rolled into fists, Juyeon rose from the couch, towering over his careless friends. In all honesty, it took Juyeon every fiber of his being to not punch the living daylights out of each and everyone of them. Though, again, he couldn’t pinpoint the reason. 
“Okay, no, you guys got it all wrong,” Juyeon began, startling the three boys below him. “y/n’s none of those things! She’s not weird or creepy, she’s just smarter than you could ever dream of being. She’s confident and strives for the best. And when it comes to dance, no one on that team has the strength and power that she has—she's one of the best dancers I know!”
Juyeon’s voice grew soft. Gentle. “y/n—she’s amazing.”
Juyeon didn’t realize just how out of breath he was until he finished his little performance. His body just acted on its own; a habit he’s seemed to have picked up since he got to know you. His three friends were practically in shock, their jaws grazing the carpet they stood on.  
“Damn dude—I didn’t know,” Jaehyun muttered in a hushed voice, genuinely terrified for his life. “How come you got such a soft spot for her?”
Juyeon nipped at his lips, his chest rising. Though he didn’t know why.
He gulped. Who was he kidding? He’s known the whole time.
“‘Cause I like her.”
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“You don’t get a choice young lady!” Sunwoo’s voice peaked a little too powerfully through your phone’s speaker. You winced at the volume, though he couldn’t care less. “You’re going to that party!”
The party in question? The house party, located at the Lee Juyeon and Lee Jaehyun residence. The reason why you were so hesitant in going? The one and only Lee Juyeon giving you a personal invite, of course. 
You didn’t have a clue at what sick game Juyeon was trying to play with you. To your understanding, this last minute performance should have only kept the two of you as close as coworkers from a typical 9-5 would be. You had no intention of keeping in touch with the childish and irritating dancer, absolutely none. So, why should you even consider saying yes to that absurd invitation. And besides, with certain recent events still replaying in your mind unwillingly, you thought it best to avoid seeing the hip hop boy for more than you needed to. You knew all of this, but why was Sunwoo so slow on piecing it together? 
“Why are you so pent up about this?” You groaned. “You care about that party more than I do!”
“For starters, going to any party’s going to increase your chances of making more friends. And, like, you can’t only have one friend in uni, y/n. That’s kinda sad.”
“You’re literally that friend, asshole,” you mutter, seriously considering changing that notion right now. 
“Doesn’t matter, you need to go out more! Live a little! Life isn't just about school and dance, you know?” Sunwoo sounded genuine, though his next words were a complete slap in the face to that notion. “Plus, you can be my wing-woman so I can get a date at this party.”
You groan, drowning in Sunwoo’s infuriating chuckle. Minutes before you were about to hang up on him, unsolicited, your best friend chimes in again. 
“And besides… I have a sneaking suspicion you’re starting to warm up to that Juyeon guy.”
You choke, not once expecting that name to come out of Sunwoo’s mouth. You hate to admit it, but you weren’t so sure if Sunwoo was wrong anymore. You never looked at him with the same fury you had just a couple of weeks ago. He never showed up late to your practices and actually took in the feedback you gave him. You could barely recognize the guy, and you weren’t sure how to feel about that. The image of his stupid eye smile pops in your brain again, and you huff a groan. 
“What makes you say that?” You ask anyway, practically swimming in denial.
“‘Cause you, Park y/n, have finally stopped denying it.” Sunwoo answered, a smug grin swiping across his face. Shit. Could he really see right through you so easily? “The old y/n would’ve shut me up immediately, you know.”
You gulp. How stupid were you? “Shut up.”
“Guess it’s settled!” Sunwoo practically jumped for joy, you could sense it through the phone. “I’ll pick you up at 8!”
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Note to self: never listen to a word Kim Sunwoo says. It’s a lesson you learnt the hard way. 
You push through the seemingly endless wave of university students, the stench of booze drilling through your nostrils. The neon lights pierced your eyes, you were convinced you were about to go blind. Though, you figured going blind wouldn’t have been so bad at the moment; you wanted nothing more than to unsee the poor puking freshman on your right, or the horny couple making out on your left. And worst of all? It seems that Kim Sunwoo had just disappeared into thin air; you couldn’t find him no matter where you searched. 
This was bad. Really bad. You see, Sunwoo wasn’t lying earlier when it came to not having any other friends. In fact, you were currently drowning in a sea of unfamiliar faces. You contemplated how the hell someone could know so many people. You, on the other—more unfortunate hand—only knew one other person. A person that could’ve gone to the moon and back by now; you’d be none the wiser. 
You clung onto the red solo cup as if your life depended on it. In reality, you knew one other person at this house party.
But was your heart ready to face him?
Truth is, your mind hasn’t stopped wandering to the image of Lee Juyeon ever since that last practice. The way he held you in his arms, lifted you in the air; it all stained your brain. The way he danced with you; elegant and graceful. His form and vigor when he completed each and every step of your routine; it never failed to give you butterflies. The way he reassured you at every sliver of worry that shined through your brow, or the way he protected you from such small things like the rain. He was there to comfort you; to shine a sliver of sunlight your way. To make your grumpy ass, smile, just once.
Maybe it was working.
A glimmer of bronze liquid shot down your throat. It burned. What were you thinking? Falling for Juyeon? You couldn’t. 
So why were you sitting on his goddamn couch? At a house party he invited you to?
Another big gulp slides down your throat, your tongue numb to the taste this time around. 
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Before inviting you to the party, Juyeon contemplated your alcohol tolerance. It was natural, considering the amount of booze set aside for the party was nothing to scoff at. However, once the party was nearing its end, and with only a few people left at the Lee Residence—Juyeon definitely had an idea or two. Though your napping figure on the couch was a dead giveaway. 
Your figure only took over ⅓ of the couch, your body curled into a ball as your head rested on the back of the furniture. Your knees were tucked into your chest, your arms wrapping around them like the ribbon to a Christmas present. Red solo cups were littered around the floor and around you, most toppled over; all of them empty. Who knew you were the type to drink so heavy? Juyeon swiftly stripped off his zip up, draping it over you on instinct. 
The more Juyeon looked at you, the more his heart pounded. 
Juyeon placed himself on the couch—right beside you. The weight of his figure pulled yours further down, your head dropping down onto his shoulder. Juyeon’s face ignited, he’s never felt more happy to be in a room without people. He leaned closer to your frame—it was warm, toasty. Your breath reeked of booze, but for some reason, it didn't matter right now.
He stared at the way strands of your hair fell between your eyes, your eyelashes that could sweep the sky. It was something he never witnessed during your practices, mostly because you wouldn’t give him the chance to be near you. You were so stoic and cold normally, seeing you so soft and delicate was beyond new. You made his heart flutter. He couldn’t help but notice how soft your lips were, how they practically glistened under the living room lamp light. 
He wanted to kiss you.
A snore pushes from your figure, jolting him awake from his delusion. You hand, practically limp, inching closer to his so innocently. 
He couldn’t kiss you. Not like this.
“Oh my god, there you are!” A voice pops up from Juyeon’s right. The figure of a sophomore—presumably Kim Sunwoo appears. He turns his attention to him. “Hey, sorry about all this. It’s y/n’s first time at a party like this… I should’ve been more careful.”
“No worries,” Juyeon smiles. His hands ghost your shoulders, a tremor in his movements. “She’s, uh, safe with me.”
“I think our ride’s gonna be here soon, could you maybe gimme a hand?” Sunwoo runs a hand through the nape of his neck. Juyeon only nods, his attention rushing back towards you as he senses a soft touch grazing against his finger. 
It was you, fidgeting with his fingers in your sleep, completely unaware. 
God, you were killing him.
Gently, Juyeon shuffles around, picking you up from the couch in a way so desperate to not wake you up, and follows Sunwoo out the door with you in his arms. 
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You were about to make your way into the dance practice room for your final practice that week when an image stopped you in your tracks like a deer in headlights. It was Juyeon. He beat you to the practice room, rehearsing his part of the routine before you even showed up. 
You caught your bag moments before it hit the floor. You would have never expected someone like Juyeon practicing extra. Hell, you were surprised he actually showed up to your scheduled practices to begin with. 
You found yourself stepping back to watch Juyeon dance. Your eyes were in a trance, spellbound by him. You couldn’t get over how fluid and elegant, yet powerful his movements were. It didn’t matter how much of a slacker he was, one thing was for sure: Juyeon never lacked in a performance. Your chest tightens at the sight of him as you gulp. You couldn’t seem to take your eyes off of him and his skin tight black shirt, with gray sweatpants hung snug at his hips. Nor his hair, practically drenched of sweat as it hung over his eyes. 
Why couldn’t you stop looking at him?
Were you actually falling for him?
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A water break. A calming water break. That was all you ever wanted. Instead, you got your mind split eight different ways. 
A sudden warmth ghosted behind your shoulder. Juyeon’s chest brushes right up against your shoulder blade, his palm lightly clinging onto your waist as he slithers past you to grab his water bottle that was right beside yours. Your skin jumps straight into goosebump hell, sparks skidding off of the surface—fireworks. Juyeon’s hands were warm to the touch, a stark contrast to your frozen figure. You hated how soft his skin felt. Your heartbeat skyrocketed, your systems rebooted. All because of a little touch. You’re pathetic. 
“Excuse my reach,” he said, infuriatingly innocent.
You wanted to scream at him. You drank your water instead. 
After moving away, the two of you stood in silence, only the music of your performance looping every now and then. You thought it was normal—considering you’ve practically spent your entire time at school hating this man, it was natural you didn’t have much to talk about. Though, clearly, Juyeon thought it peculiar.
“Are you alright? You’ve been awfully quiet.”
You snort. “You say that like we talk often.”
Juyeon looks away from you. “Well, maybe I want us to talk more.”
Your heart was thumping rapidly again. You grip onto the fabric near your chest as an effort to slow down its pace. A failed attempt, anyway. The pit of your stomach fluttered at his smooth words. You, however, didn’t give way to his request, staying silent as you gulped down more of your water. Maybe then Juyeon would stop shaking you up so much.
“Oh, wait—stay still, y/n,” Juyeon’s voice popped in your ears once again. You watched as his hand swerved up towards your forehead. You felt his fingertips brush up against you, the back of his hand sliding down your cheek as he detangled strands of your stubborn hair. He huffs out a chuckle, eyes never leaving your sight. “You’re hair’s a little wonky–”
You weren’t fully recovered from the last unwanted touch from Lee Juyeon, circa 2 minutes ago. That was for sure. You’ve had it. You’ve had enough of his teasing. You needed answers. With your chest still ablaze, you swat Juyeon’s hand away, leaving the boy all doe-eyed and confused. You ball up your fist, pivoting to stand right in front of him. To stand your ground. 
“Just stop!” Your voice boomed. Your chest heaved as your eyes drilled through his. “What the hell are you doing?”
“What do you mean, I’m just—”
“I’m not just talking about this, I’m talking about everything! Why the hell are you so sweet to me? Why do you go out of your way to take care of me? Are you trying to toy with me or something? God, you’re driving me insane, Juyeon!” You utter, defeated.  You fiddle with your sleeves, steam practically poofing from your ears. 
Juyeon huffs a sigh from his chest, slowly taking steps around your agitated figure. “For your information, I’m not just toying with you.” He gazes at you from the reflection of the dance mirror, his voice traveling from behind. “I do genuinely care about you, y/n. I want to be sweet to you, I want to do all of those things. I like you, y/n”
I like you, too, you thought.
Though in reality, you choke, your heart caught in your throat. You couldn’t seem to look away from him as you gulped. “We can’t like each other, Juyeon,” Your voice was a hush. “We’re too different. We’re worlds apart.”
“I’d move worlds just to have a chance with you.” Juyeon rasped, his voice cradling your ear.
Your eyes widen. Your heartbeat was overpowering your ear drums. All you could hear were the constant thumps of the muscle. And all you could think about was Lee Juyeon. Suddenly, that same warmth cocoons your shoulder blades and your chest tightens. From the reflection on the mirror, you watch as Juyeon’s fingers brush against your wrist, moving down to your fingers. You watched as his left hand stayed with yours, as his right switched paths and landed on your bare waist. Your breath hitched. 
“Juyeon, we can’t…” You practically whimpered, not having the strength to finish. 
Juyeon’s lips were mere millimeters from the shell of your ear. “Are you sure?” His right hand suddenly lifts and begins to trace small shapes against your waist, his touch tingling you beyond belief. His left hand lifts your limp wrist right up against his lips. Instead of looking at your reflection, Juyeon looks right at you—the real you—before his voice drops to barely a whisper. 
“Make me stop, then.”
Juyeon kisses your wrist, pulling away your sleeves as he peppers soft kisses against your skin. With his right hand, his strokes against your skin grew stronger and wider, his index toying with the hem of your cropped shirt. You squeeze your eyes shut, your face flush as your stomach flutters. Your head was spinning, you rested it on his collarbone. You couldn’t take it anymore. 
“Don’t stop.”
Chuckling, Juyeon drops your hand, his palm cupping your cheek as he spins you to face him. Your breaths grew shallow at the sight of him. His eyes deepened as they gazed into you, pierced through you. You watched his breaths falter just like yours, picking at his lips and gulping before he speaks again. 
“Can I kiss you, y/n?”
“Please.”
That's all it took for Juyeon to dive into you, encasing his lips into yours. It was rough and rugged. As if he’d been restraining himself for years, maybe even centuries. With one hand still cupping your cheek, another one of his hands cross your back, pulling your figure up against his chest. Your hands, which were once clinging desperately onto the fabric of his sleeves, now roped around his neck. Your hand snaked towards his head, your fingers toying with a lock of his hair. On command, Juyeon grunts, his grasp around you tightening. His hold on your lips tightened with it. 
Butterflies exploded at the pit of your stomach. It was as if a burdening weight had been lifted off of your shoulders—you were practically floating in the air. You didn’t have to hide anymore, you didn’t have to run. You could say with pride. 
You liked Lee Juyeon.
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“That was amazing, you two!” Your dance instructor beams as you and Lee Juyeon saunter back into the dressing room, heaving and sweating. The two of you had just finished your performance for the school’s annual club festival; a standing ovation. Your dance instructor was jumping with joy, swiping through the unfocused pictures she took of the performance with her phone and her unstable grasp. After mumbling something about letting the school newspaper know, and giving the both of you quick hugs, she runs out the door—leaving you two alone. 
Your eyes gaze upon the vanity mirror, eyeing your performance dress. It was covered in loose red sequins, you were a shimmering flame. A few detached sequins were scattered atop your shoulders—and Juyeons. They most likely came off while dancing, jumping onto his black, tight fit blazer, complete with red accent pieces and a particularly low set neckline, exposing his bare chest. You wouldn’t be lying if you said you had snuck in a look or two. Juyeon looked too good to pass up. 
Besides, it seems like he’d say the same thing right now. 
Juyeon’s eyes drilled through you. His figure slowly inched closer to you, his hands hugging the edges of your waist once he got close enough. It seems as though it was his favourite place to hold you—and you didn’t mind. It gave you butterflies every single time. His lips traced your jaw, peppering a small kiss before whispering in your ear. “You look beautiful, y/n.”
You hum a chuckle, sliding a hand up his chest and around his neck. “Too bad my dress is coming off soon.”
Juyeon’s eyebrows shoot up to the sky. “That was bold.”
You smack his shoulder. “Not that! I meant that the dress isn’t mine, dumbass. I’ll have to change out of it before I leave tonight. You, too!”
“Oh right.” Juyeon deadpanned, pouting before a light bulb buzzed from the crown of his head. After his steps cause you to move backwards, Juyeon lifts you slightly and plops you on the surface of the vanity desk. With his hands on each of your thighs, Juyeon leans forward, his face barely a centimeter apart from yours. Your lips, just breaths away from his. “Maybe I can be of some assistance?”
“You’re so dumb, Juyeon.” You punch his chest with no actual force. In truth, you wanted him, right then and there. You ball up his collar into your fist, pulling him in for a kiss. A groan lifts from your chest as you cling around his neck. Juyeon moves closer to you, ever so slightly spreading your legs apart. His hands, still on your thigh, trail up the skin, his fingers peeking through the hem of your skirt. His touch elicits another moan from your lips, making you pull from your kiss. 
“Juyeon” You whimper. 
Juyeon cups your cheek. “Not now, baby. I can only have you for myself. We need to go somewhere private.”
Your breath hitched. “Then take me home.”
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Your skin was on fire as Juyeon laid you on the plush of your bed. Lee Juyeon was cruel—giving you a taste of him right before making you wait. Juyeon leans into you, deepening the kiss, a hand sinking down into the mattress beside you. His tongue swipes at your lips, demanding for an opening. You grant it, his tongue dancing inside the walls or your mouth. It slides against yours; a performance of bliss. You moan, your arms clinging from underneath his shoulders, your grip growing tighter. You weren’t going to let him slip through your fingertips. You weren’t going to lose him. Not again.
Juyeon’s hand wandered mischievously, his touch teasing you. One hand pressed against your bare thigh—it didn’t take him much to get you in just a shirt and panties. He traces your skin slowly. Painfully slow. His other hand slipped underneath the hem of your shirt, moving straight to the swell of your breasts. He took your breast in his large hand, massaging your skin. He takes your nipple in his fingers, swirling the tip with his pads. It sends your head spinning, your back arching and your chest pushing closer to him. You mewl at his touch. You needed more.
Your lips pop apart, swollen from the pressure. Juyeon wouldn’t dare to look away from you. His hands move again. 
“Does this make you feel good?” His breath was hot and heavy—it burned against your lips. You barely muster a whisper. “Yes—more.”
He pressed another hand right on your other breast, playing with your nipple. It sent you soaring, dirty noises lifting from your lips. It was a sight for sore eyes, seeing you so pent up just for him. Juyeon replaces his hand with his lips, peppering kisses all over your breast. Claiming it as his own. He takes his sweet time, leaving love bites and hickeys trailing up and down your skin. His lips envelope your center, his tongue swirling your hardened peak. Your moans grow louder as you grip a lock of his hair—sending him into overdrive. He groans into your skin, the vibrations sending shivers down your spine.
His hand was merely centimeters away from the place you needed him most. Your core was throbbing, aching for his touch. It soaked the wimpy fabric. You grip his hair harder, growing irritated from how much he was teasing you. Juyeon only snickers, lightly pressing into your clothed folds with his thumb, sending shockwaves down your body. “How bad do you want me, baby?”
You subconsciously jut your hips forward, pressing his thumb ever so slightly further into your core. You were getting restless. “So bad, Juyeon. I need you—everything.”
After teasing your clothed core, Juyeon pulled over the wet fabric, leaving your pussy bare, open. Slowly, Juyeon pushes a finger into your core, his pad dancing in your walls. You sharply inhale at the length of his fingers. Fuck, his hands were big. His calloused knuckles grazed your insides. A moan jumps from your lips as Juyeon pumps in another finger—filling your core up more. The thrusts of his wrists grew faster, your walls coming in tighter, moments before collapsing at his touch. You prop yourself up, looking down to watch the dirty image of Juyeon’s hands fucking your pussy mindless. Juyeon pumps a third finger, curling all three of them as he reaches deeper inside you. Your core was throbbing as you failed to stifle all the dirty noises leaping from your throat. 
You instinctively thrust into his hands, making him reach more. though you didn’t need to try too hard; not with Juyeon’s long fingers fucking you deep already. Juyeon’s lips swipe at your jaw, peppering kisses and tracing his tongue around your skin. You were convinced you were seeing stars. But you knew Juyeon wasn’t done just yet. Juyeon’s thumb begins to swipe circles around your clit. It was the same motion your head was spinning in from the bliss of his touch. 
Your walls tightened around his fingers, his thrusts grew rampant and primal. You threw your head back—your body was out of your control, now. It was all his. 
“Juyeon,” you said his name without realizing.  
“That’s it, baby. Cum all over me.”
And you did. With one last groan of his name, you came undone by his fingers. Your juices coated his palm, as well as a little pool in between the wrinkles of your innocent bedsheets. After gaining just the smallest bit of consciousness, you look up at Juyeon. A tent of fabric propped up right below his torso. 
 Just then, you had an idea. Gathering up all of your strength, you pushed Juyeon down into the bed. You climb over top of him, his clothed bulge rubbing against your raw pussy. You pressed a hand down his chest, dipping your head to whisper in his ear. “Can I ride you?”
Juyeon groans, gripping onto your hips. “Fuck, yes.”
You tug down at his waistband, and the two of you work together to pull down his pants. His length reveals itself, throbbing at a stiff peak. It caught you tongue tied. There was a reason his hands were so big. You couldn’t help but lick your lips as you unrolled the condom. The latex summoned a groan from him, his finger digging into your skin. You positioned your entrance at his tip, a stark inhale running through your chest as you finally sunk into his length. Yours and his moans intertwine, dancing in the night sky as you began your slow thrusts. 
Juyeon’s cock grazed against all of your walls, the friction was driving you insane. He filled you up, fucked you deep. He throbbed into your walls, exploring you deeper than you could ever imagine. You wanted, no, needed more, thrusting faster into his length. He was hitting all of your spots, he was perfect. Lewd noises circled around your bodies; your skin slapping into each other, the premature juices webbing in and out of your core, the repeated calling out of each other’s names. Juyeon’s grip on your hips grew tighter, his forearms tensing to bring you closer to him; to bring him deeper into you. Your thrusts grew dirty, readjusting yourself to get more power in each thrust using your feet. Juyeon brings a hand behind you, palming and massaging your ass. 
You could feel your walls clamping in again, tightening around his cock. Clearly he could feel it, too. It was obvious with the way his hips push forward, his head drilling into the pillow. Though it wasn’t long until you had your head thrown back—drowning in ecstasy. 
“Fuck, you’re tight, y/n.” Juyeon rasped in between grunts. Though you were too busy in your own world. You only mewl, thrusts becoming messy and unpampered. “Your pussy feels so good, it fits my cock just right.”
Juyeon sneaks a mischievous finger to rub your clit again. He drilled against your sweet spot, your mind trapped in a haze. A dream just with Lee Juyeon. With one last conjoined moan, the two of you crash into each other, cumming in unison. Your hot juices overflow, pooling between your two figures.
Exhausted, you plop beside him. He greets you with his signature eye smile—one infecting you personally as you smile back at him. He encases your frame in an embrace, his forehead wiggling into the crook of your neck. “You did so good, baby.”
You embrace him back, butterflies forming in the pit of your stomach. “You dummy.”
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5 Stars
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A/N based on this. I’ve actually had an idea to write something where Matty is in a relationship with a writer. Idk is this me soft-launching this couple? Is this just gonna be a one-off? We’ll see. 
Warnings: mentions of anxiety. 
— —
“Matty! Good to see you! Where is your better half, by the way? I’ve been trying to find her and congratulate her, but I don’t think I’ve seen her anywhere.” Her friend (a term she would use loosely here), the magazine columnist, approached Matty. 
He felt sweat drip down his back and he listened to this woman’s shrill, disingenuous enthusiasm, trying to keep a tight-lipped smile the entire time. Stay calm, stay calm, don’t let anyone know you’re pretending. “Thank you, Maureen. Really. She’s uhh- around here, somewhere. Just busy. She’s the guest of honor, she’s got a million people to see today. You know how it is. I’ll pass along your congratulations, yeah? Excuse me, please.”
With a gentle nod, Matty extracted himself away from that woman and to the other side of the room as soon as he saw his girlfriend’s best friend. “Ashley! Thank god I’ve found you. Have you seen our superstar yet? I can’t seem to find her anywhere and she’s not answering her phone.”
“I was just coming to ask you that!” Ashley clutched his onto his arm. 
“So, what we’re saying, here, is her book goes out into the world in a few minutes and neither one of us knows where she is?” Matty was officially panicking right now. His eyes darted around the room, scanning the crowd’s faces for her, but she was nowhere to be seen. 
“Pretty much. For all we know, she’s not even in the building.” Ashley shrugged. 
Something about that statement finally told Matty exactly where the love of his life was. “Course she’s not in the building!” He mumbled. 
“What?”
“Nothing, never mind. Think I know where she is. I’ll text you if I find her. Just in case I’m wrong, though, maybe take another look around?”
Ashley nodded and walked off in the opposite direction, looking for mutual friends or book editors, anyone who might have seen her friend or knows where she is. 
Matty studied the layout of the room, looking around for the fire exit sign. Once he’d managed to locate it, he opened the emergency door and took the stairs upwards, to the roof. If he had to guess, he would probably find her up there, smoking a pack of cigarettes that she’d stolen from him without his knowledge. 
At the top of the stairs, the door to the roof of the building was open. Yup. He was right. She was up here. He pulled his phone out, texting Ashley that he had found her, and then he checked the time. They had twenty minutes until she needed to be in the room. He could work with that. 
“Coulda at least told me you were going for a smoke break. I’d have joined you.” He called out to her as he walked up, taking his blazer off and wrapping it around her. It was cold out here in the open night sky, and her short dress wasn’t going to keep her warm. 
She turned around, attempting to give him a smile, despite her anxiety. Silently, she offered him his pack of cigarettes back.
“Lighter?” He requested as he placed one in his mouth. “Thanks, my love.”
“How’d you know I was up here?” She asked, blowing the smoke out of her mouth and looking at the skyline. 
“It’s where I would be if I were you.” He needed to approach this subject with complete delicacy. Despite her calm and collected act, Matty knew she was anxious right now, and he didn’t want to make it worse right before she had to go back in there and give a speech. “Oh, heads up. Maureen’s here.” His eyebrows shot up, watching her out of the corner of his eye as he stood next to her. “She’s been looking for you.”
She made a gagging noise. 
“She seemed like she was gonna implode with jealousy.” He added, hoping he’d make her laugh. 
She tossed the end of cigarette to the floor, stepping on it with her heel to put it out. She shook her head, “don’t know what she’s jealous about…” 
Matty heard the strain in her voice and turned around to look at her, her expression breaking his heart. “Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” His brows furrowed.
“I- don’t wanna do this. Don’t wanna go down there. In front of all these people.”
“Baby-“
“I know, I know! This should be the happiest day of my life. It’s a dream come true. I’ve wanted this my whole life.” She’d been quietly spiraling all day, now that she’s started speaking, it was like the flood-gates had opened. She wasn’t even registering Matty’s attempts to console or comfort her. He’d tried to remind her that she worked really hard on this for two years. Tried to tell her that she deserves this night, that it’s okay to be nervous, but none of it seemed to make a difference. So, eventually, he gave up. He stopped trying to speak, and decided to just be there and listen. 
“It’s not like I’m ungrateful! I know how big this is and how important this night is for my career. I just- I’m just-“ she fell quiet, frustrated that no word in the English language could possibly capture how she feels right now. 
“Nervous?” Matty offered a suggestion.
“Nervous?” She shook her head. “Matty, I’m fucking terrified! Look.” She stuck her hand out, showing Matty that it was shaking relentlessly. 
The sight made a wave of pain jolt his heart. He couldn’t stand to see her like this. He couldn’t watch as she trembled and do nothing. He grabbed her shaky hand in his, kissing it. 
“Oh, honey. Why didn’t you talk to me sooner?”
“I- I didn’t- I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted the fear to go away. I just wanted to be happy.”
Saying the words out loud finally made them true, she felt tears running down her face. “Oh, fuck, now I’ve ruined my make up, too.”
Matty wrapped his arms around her. “No, no you’ll ruin your white shirt! Matty!” She attempted to push him away, but he wouldn’t let go. 
“It’s okay, my love. It’s okay. I’ve got you. Who cares about the shirt. Just, let me hold you, okay? Let me.”
She took her first deep breath of the day. “I just don’t want this to be a disaster. My parents are here. You. George and Charli. Ashley and her brother-“
“Don’t mean to interrupt but Adam and Carly found someone to watch the baby. So they’re here too.” He tried to make her laugh, it seemed only to make things worse. “Sorry, sorry. Go
On?”
“I’m saying….I don’t want to let them down. Or my editorial team or my publishers! So many people’s livelihoods depend on this book, not just mine. And, everyone who’s loved me and been patient with me, and supported me through this. Everyone who didn’t laugh in my face when I said I wanted to be a writer, everyone who gave me feedback, helped me work out my ideas and make them real…the room is filled with everyone I love-“
“And Maureen.” Matty grinned. This time, she laughed. 
“…and Maureen.” She rolled her eyes at him. “My point is, this is the most important thing I’ve ever done and I have never been more scared to share it with the world. This whole time, it’s been my little dream. And as long as it remained that way, it couldn’t disappoint anyone. But now that it’s becoming a reality, right in front of everyone….oh my god! Book reviews are gonna start coming in soon! What if they’re not good?”
“It’s okay.” Matty’s armed tightened around her, knocking the wind from her lungs. “You’re gonna be okay.”
“How do you do it? Every two years?” She spoke, her moth next to his ear as he continued holding her through the panic. 
“Do what?”
“Release a new album! It’s your innermost thoughts and feelings in audio form and you just release into the world where people will judge it and critique it and tear it apart. How? How’d you do it when ‘Self Titled’ came out?”
he let her sleep out of his arms so he could step away and look her in her glassy eyes. 
“Oh, honey. When we put out self-titled I don’t think anyone cared. Nobody knew who we were back then. Your situation’s slightly different cuz you’ve actually written pieces here and there. People know who you are.” Matty smiled at her but he could tell that his words only served to remind her of the looming expectations of the masses. “Ask me about ‘I Like It When You Sleep,’ though.”
She sniffled, wiping the tears out of the corners of her eyes. “Okay…umm, what was it like when you came out with ‘I Like It When You Sleep’ ?”
Matty, took her hand again, squeezing it and rubbing his thumb over the back of her palm, soothingly. He knew it brought her comfort in situations like this. He looked up at the sky, as if the past were written in the stars. “It was….the most terrier I’d ever been in my entire life. As you know, George’d had this…anxiety during the making of the record. Cuz he felt the pressure of the world watching. He went a bit insane and lost confidence for a long time. For me, that didn’t happen during the making of….it happened after. I was so scared people would hate it.”
“So, how’d you deal?”
“Drugs.” He said without missing a beat. 
She smiled in spite of herself. “Okay, unless you have some cocaine in the pocket of this blazer you’ve given me….”
He kissed her forehead. “That’s not what I mean! I’m not done yet.”
“Sorry, go on.”
“The day before the record came out, I had…a similar nervous breakdown to the one that you’re having.” He winked at her. “I started thinking about the record and what I would go back and change about it if I could, whether I had any regrets or made any creative decisions that I was now questioning….”
“And?” She looked up at him with her big, beautiful eyes, expectation written all over her face. 
“Honestly? Not a single thing. Wouldn’t change a damn thing.” He finally looked away from the starry night and directly in her eyes, making her blush at the intense gaze. 
“Would you go back and change anything?” She considered his question for a moment, thinking about the various drafts she’d gone through, the rewrites, the choices to cut some pages and add others. A feeling of calm enveloped her as she spoke “nope. not a damn thing.”
“Then, you’ve got nothing to fear.” Matty smiled, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her into him. “No matter what the press says, no matter how tonight goes, no matter how booksales go…you’ll know you made the right decisions and did what’s best for the book. Not what’s selling these days, not what’s trendy, not what’s popular. You know what else?” He kissed her cheek, wiping the wet tears that had been drying on her face away. 
“What?”
“ your mind is brilliant. Anything that comes out of it is completely stunning. If the world can’t see that, then the world can go fuck itself.” He spoke with the softest tone, as if singing a lullaby. 
She giggled and shook her head. “Biased!”
“Hey, baby?”
“Yeah, Matty?”
“Put your hand in the inner pocket of my blazer. I got you something.” A bright smile erupted accords his face.
 She took out a sheet of paper, frowning. “What’s this?”
“Your first 5 star review! Go on, read it!”
“The- the New York Review of Books?
Is this real?!!!!” She was stunned. “Matty, I swear if this is a joke, then-“
He chuckled loudly. “It’s not a joke! It’s just not out yet. Comes out next week.”
“How did you? When did you? What-“ she stuttered, her tongue unable to keep up with her racing mind. 
“I have a music journalist friend who knows someone over at the NYR, so….didn’t know what to get you as a publication day present. Figured this would do.”
Matty watched her squeal with joy, dance around the roof, and eventually jump into his arm and hug him tightly, whispering “I love you” repeatedly into his ear and kissing his cheeks and neck. 
“If you’d given it to me earlier…could’ve spared us both the meltdown.” She noted when she’d eventually calmed down and had a moment to think about it.
“I know. But I wanted you to feel better because you’d thought about it and decided to believe in yourself and your book. Not because some guy from a fancy publication thought you were worthy.”
He melted her heart. As if she weren’t already in love with him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him by his side. “That’s the sweetest thing that anyone’s ever done for me.” She kissed him. 
“The fancy publication is quite nice, though, isn’t it?” She grinned, beaming like a ray of sunshine. A remarkable difference from the cowering shadow of herself that had been crying and fearful a few moments ago. 
“You have no idea how proud I am of you.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, giving her a peck. “C’mon. It’s almost time. We gotta fix your runny makeup.”
“Hold my hand until we get there?” She reached her hand out to him. 
“Of course. You’re gonna be alright, my love. If you get scared, think of me. If you feel panicked, look for my face in the crowd. I’ll be the one in the front row, crying tears of joy.”
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phoenixonwheels · 8 months
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The ~discourse~ around the term cripple punk is so wild to me bcs from what I've seen the people arguing that it includes mental illnesses/disabilities are mentally ill people who are ALSO physically disabled explaining from experience that not only are mental illnesses oftentimes disabling in exactly the same way physical disabilities are, but that trying to draw a hard line between "physical" and "mental" conditions is reductive and unhelpful in terms of actually accommodating us and understanding our conditions, especially given that both have so much overlap that it's hard to distinguish what's coming from where in the first place. Like when I'm having a bad enough depressive episode I feel real, physical pain in my chest that's so bad I can hardly stand up, and the accommodations that help me when my hEDS or POTs is making it hard to stand help when it's the depression instead. And yet I'm supposed to believe these two things are completely different, 100% of the time, no exceptions?? Plus like, idk every time I see people argue that mental conditions are somehow different from physical ones it just reminds me of how often doctors will brush aside the physical symptoms of my mental illnesses bcs they're "all in my head" despite how much I'm clearly suffering. For me so much of learning to live with stuff like my bipolar and adhd is unlearning the idea that my brain is like, a separate entity from my body, and accepting that the physical stuff I'm feeling shouldn't be dismissed just bcs it's caused by my brain and not like, my POTs or hEDS. For so often I've seen positivity posts talking about how mental conditions do physically affect people and understanding and accepting that is important, it's wild to see a group that should be on top of that sort of thing fumble it so badly.
And god, so much of the world is already against disabled people, getting mad that the "wrong" disabled people are using the term cripple punk while society does everything in its power to make life impossible for us feels like we're just doing their work for them. We should stand united in our very much shared struggle instead of desperately trying to shove everyone in separate boxes and make sure they stay there, insisting that we have nothing in common and could never share a community. We have everything in common and we need to stand together, now more than ever.
All of this! And also it’s clearly never occurred to them that a huge percentage of the medical gaslighting we’ve all experienced is having doctors blow off our physical disabilities and illnesses by claiming we’re mentally ill. Gee hmm I wonder why that is? Could it be that mental illnesses and disabilities are even more discriminated against than physical illnesses and disabilities? And if we all fight together for respect and rights for people with all types of disabilities and disorders we all benefit?
This shit is absolutely wild to me. And it leads to things like people yelling at me - an actual wheelchair user who is currently mostly bedbound - that I hate cripples and am somehow trying to “steal cripple privilege” and insert myself undeservingly into “cripple spaces” because I refuse to join them in their bigotry against mentally ill and mentally disabled people.
MERDs are to the Cripple Punk and disability rights movements what TERFs are to feminism and the queer rights movement. They’re dragging us back decades.
*MERD: mental-exclusionary radical disabled
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djservo · 3 months
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crashes in in a fashionably late kind of way.. january is finally over!! 31 days felt like 300 but now that we’re on the other side of it, what books did you read to start 2024? what was the vibe any standouts has it changed what’s on the horizon?
I've started keeping a physical calendar again so you'd think having the month splayed out in front of me so directly and constantly would be grounding but week after week I was just like Omg how is there More.... we made it thru tho god bless xx January was fun!!
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in terms of my pre-planned monthly reading themes, January was a grace period where I let my whims guide me so I'm surprised at how many themes incidentally overlapped?? Naomi Klein referencing The Fire Next Time, the theme of internet doubles and online dark corners in Doppelganger essentially being the core of The Sluts, the dark spiraling mystery of The Sluts akin to the dark spiraling mystery of Mysterious Skin, yada yada yada. I luv when the dots inadvertently connect!! right place right time vibe!!
The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin
it's been really nice starting my reading off with Baldwin these past few years, something grounding about immersing myself in sharp indictments of the US amidst the usual new year wide-eyed blitheness. this one was only 2 essays but both gripped me just as much as his longer collections. I imagine it's hard to sort of reframe arguments, pleas, and points you've been talking about for years when things still haven't changed, but each new (to me) Baldwin essay reads so fresh in the way that he contextualizes these core points within different interactions + relationships. I think Ive said this before but it's also so rewarding to read an author's works chronologically because you can kind of follow how their frame of mind sharpens/adapts throughout the years and in a way you grow with them, and his first essay (a letter to his nephew) kinda feels like the culmination of that growth laid out with such care. super special
Doppelganger by Naomi Klein
totallyyyyyy consumed + dizzied by this wow I can't believe it took me this long to read Naomi Klein. I think I'd been intimidated by the size of her books + my incorrect assumption that something so research-heavy (bc boy does she research!) will read too dense, but everything here was laid out and tied together so smoothly + accessibly (I feel like I use that word a lot for nonfiction which is probably my subconscious quest to entice ppl to read more nonfiction hehe) This read like partial investigative deep dive into the online world of conspiracy theories/Qanon cesspools + partial mystery novel about her own experience with Naomi Wolf (her 'doppelganger')?? idk it feels weird to relate someone's lived experience to a spectacle like that but it really was like edge of seat level curiosity/uncertainty/etc. just so engrossing and thorough and THRILLING, the epilogue made me gasp!!!
Leslie F*cking Jones by Leslie Jones
my one + only spotify audiobook experience, cut short amid the last chapter bc I ran out of hours and no longer am a spotify premium user so I just read the rest </3 but that turned out to be fun bc I saw what a stark difference it was to listen vs. read this. the audio rules bc Leslie totally goes off script to add anecdotes (one of the reviews was like 'she was NOT reading what was written!!' LMAO so true.. and I love her for that!!) + an emotional depth I don't think could've been sufficiently captured in written form - her laughter and her palpable anger and her literally crying over... such a robust journey! I was an SNL fan basically my whole life til I went to college so I always love stories about it and I really admire how she didn't hold back in her criticisms. I feel like former members (especially those somewhat fresh off the slab in a way) feel like they have to be eternally grateful to their experience when so much of it is so clearly draining and thankless. doubled expectations because she's a woman, tripled because she's a Black woman, and therefore expected to just bend over and take it (her words) but she never does!! she never tries to compromise her own experiences like "this happened... but at least this happened too and they actually were nice in this way-" NO!! she compartmentalizes the good and the bad so distinctly so there's no misunderstanding, and I just really really admire that, the lack of kissing ass in an industry where that's practically what fuels your career/reputation!! she rocks + is such a funny storyteller+ I'm so glad I listened to this
The Sluts by Dennis Cooper
ofc had to squeeze my old man in... I think this was actually the book to first put Cooper on my radar so it was super fulfilling to finally get to it (even tho I devoured it in just 2 days.. a shame bc it was a slay to read this in public) Supremely up my alley with its 2000s internet mystique, the perfect backdrop for a twisted mystery + ruminations of Internet As Performance Art™, the internet as roleplay, what's real + what's just fantasy/fetish, etc etc. so so so good and while still sick and horrifying as his writing is known for, perhaps the most readable for an uninitiated reader of Cooper's works?? even then I'd say this is still for a very particular reader tho idk i can never get a pulse on what a majority of readers are into these days!! I really loved this though and I'm sure it'll be in my top 5 for the year thank u once again for the twisted ride denny !!!
My People Shall Live by Leila Khaled, George Hajjar
feels more like political ethnography than personal memoir. there is some of Leila's backstory and family and personal relationships sprinkled in (her husband is given maybe 5 lines total LOL), but so much of her being is clearly centered around Palestinian resistance + revolution, so recounting her political work within a collective was her truest form of autobiography as that was indeed her life/livelihood. wild to read how intense she was even from childhood, how Down she was to sacrifice things and put herself on the line... literally getting plastic surgery after hijacking a plane in order to be able to get involved in more demonstrations without being recognized like god!!! intense life-altering decisions and it's like she doesn't even bat an eye or show any regrets/wistful 'what if i hard a 'normal' life?'!! that eric andre margaret thatcher meme but instead "do you think leila khaled effectively utilized girl power by hijacking a plane?'' LOL I mean... ! 🤭
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
SILLY + ABSURD!!! a bit of a hike to get there but once I hit it, it was hard to put this down (as is my experience with a lot of classics, I find) I think I really enjoy magical realism rooted in political/cultural landscapes, or maybe I just really like wacky shit (it made me think a bit of Catch-22 which I also had fun with!!) + this didn't disappoint!! truly giggled aloud at some parts, the ridiculousness of it all!!! makes me wanna deep dive into the history of the Soviet Union but I feel like I'll need to clear at least an entire month for that .... will have to plan accordingly 👩‍🔬
Mysterious Skin by Scott Heim
heartbreaking and dark but handled with a lot of care. I guessed the "twist" (which feels indelicate to call it that but I cant think of another word rn) early on but I think that just heightened the slow unraveling of it + made it that much more emotionally grueling to get thru. perhaps that was even the point! I'd been meaning to watch the movie for like over a decade at this point but wanted to read it first so now having read and watched it I'm glad it was now vs. me at 10 or whenever bc dumb tween me likely wouldn't have processed it well enough and the darkness would've overshadowed the journey itself. sometimes it's important to wait I guess is what I'm trying to say!!!
I definitely want to squeeze in another Naomi Klein this year if possible, maybe some Russian/Ukrainian lit. I've focused on Baldwin's nonfiction these past years so I might pick up a fiction of his this month + ofc Cooper wherever I can squeeze him <3
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eldrigeonsss · 5 months
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I just made it back from Portland last night, and the post-con depression do be hittin a bit, but I got things to say, and people to say it to!!!!! So without further ado,
To my crew,
Thank you all so much for giving me legitimately the most fun convention I have ever been to, and the best birthday I’ve ever had. I could never have asked for a better crew and family. I’m sad we all have to return to our little corners of the world, but I am excited to see you all again. Because this is not goodbye, you’re stuck with me now. We’ll see each other again, be it in a year or whenever, it’s only a matter of time! I love you all dearly!!!
Ollie, ( @crypticcoffe )
To the small boy we keep on our ship (or rather in our hearts), thank you so much for being such a wonderful person. You are family, through and through, and I am so grateful that you made the decision to come to Kumo and hang out with us! It was so much fun, and I cherish every single memory we made together, and I look forward to the next year!! (Fingers crossed for the madoka magica cosplay group!) Thank you for making me feel wanted every single day, even with something as simple as a good morning and a good night. You don’t know just how much even that means to me. I want to repay that kindness someday, make sure you know just how important you are to all of us, no matter what. You’re family, and I keep saying it, but it’s just as true as the first time I said it. I’m so glad you accidentally joined the discord server, because it’s lead to probably the greatest group of people I could ever hope to know. It would never be the same without you, and I’m so glad you stuck around and hung o it with us. Love you, Ols! /p Can’t wait to keep making ridiculous memories with you!
Fish, ( @aquaticgoblinking )
You are legit one of the funniest people I know, even when we first started interacting there was just something to you that screamed that you were the king of comedy. I’m still studying the Atlantean alphabet diligently, the world is not ready for the day that I can just write it without a guide. You are such an integral part of our crew, you breathe life into it and inspire others even when you don’t mean to. By the way, that book you made me is going to be something I cherish forever, I’m probably going to end up filling it up pretty quickly, but I’ll be figuring out ways to make it last! I’ll be sure to bring it to Kumo next year and if you end up coming I’ll show you all the silly stuff I drew :3. Btw, I’m so so so happy you came to Kumo, I know we weren’t sure if it was gonna happen, but I hope you had a good time! Excited to get our silly crew together again soon!! I love our family, every single silly part of it.
Syren ( @sisiren )
To my Jay Ferin, my silly brain-linked buddy. I really don’t know what qualifies someone as a best friend, but I do know you’re like number one in terms of friends in my books! To think we only met one year ago, by complete chance, and soon we’re gonna be able to hang out so much more often!! You’re such a kind, understanding person, it makes my heart hurt. On that same point, GOD, do you know how to break hearts with your writing. Literally, if anyone ever wants their fucking emotions torn out and scattered like dandelion seeds, just read literally anything this absolute demon of a person has come up with. It’s harrowing. That aside, I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I can barely imagine life before you were there, it’s so funny. I joke about you me and Ti being albatrio, but I truly think we’re just all meant to exist together. Something deep inside of me knows that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. We’ve talked a lot about fate and destiny, and not to sound super sentimental or anything, but with the little bracelet you got us sitting on my wrist, I can’t help but think. I think you two are my destiny.
Idk, that’s probably cheesy as hell. Still, I can’t wait to go skydiving with you, and celebrate your birthday like it’s the end of the world, and drag you out to experience every single thing life has to offer. See you soon, Sy!!
Tigers, ( @tigers1o1 )
Not to be gay, buuuuut.
I miss you, so much. It’s been a day, and I already miss hearing your laugh and leaning up against you and being able to reach over and touch you and just know that you’re there. We can call, of course, but I am counting down the days until I can see you next. I’ve actually started using a calendar, since I’ve started talking to you in full, which is hilarious. If you were to tell me two months ago that I would be staying up every night falling asleep on call, counting days like an advent calendar I would probably call you crazy, because why would anyone ever spend that much time with another person, especially when they are so far away??
Yeah, I get it now. A lot of things make sense now. Like why people are made with an inherent sense of yearning, a need to find that other half, that missing piece. Why completionists exist, why someone would spend their entire lives searching just for an inkling of a feeling. Freight train, am I right?
You and Sy are people I feel like I’ve known my whole life, despite only really being aware of each other for such a short amount of time. I don’t feel like the small time period takes away from our closeness, though, which is funny. Like it wouldn’t matter if we’ve known each other years or months or days, as long as we know each other. That’s all that matters. All that matters is that we’re connected, by whatever force or coincidence.
If you end up moving to Portland, that’ll be so damn funny. I definitely won’t be bouncing off the walls and running victory laps or anything ahah. It’s weird, to be so aware of one’s own loneliness, but to also be fine with it, because I know it will be filled when I get to see you next. Because I made an oath, and I intend to keep it, extra forever.
Okokok that’s the end of my spiel. Well, also, to Ollie’s dad, and to Fish’s sibling thing, thank you so much for joining us for Kumo as well!! To Nick who officiated the fish and chips wedding, thanks a million! To my sister, who was eternally our biggest hater, keep it up, your hatred only fuels us (/aff). And to that random dude on the street who offered me and Ti his blanket to dry off a bench while waiting for a train, I hope your days are filled with warmth and your belly is always full. Also to the black ops larper who stopped me in a market to talk about the government, hope ur doing alright king.
NOW IM DONE!!! HERE, SOME PHOTOS
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menalez · 5 months
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As one of the few women of color on radblr, I wanted to get your opinion on something. There's something super irritating to me and kind of disrespectful about libfems bringing up "missing white woman syndrome" - and as a black woman, I definitely understand why the term exists, but I always see this phrase being used in ways that aren't helpful for victims. As we know, women of color are disproportionately killed and targeted more than white women but are rarely given the exposure white women get when killed or kidnapped.
I recently saw someone post on reddit asking something along the lines of "Are there any true crime cases about woc instead of white women? I'm so tired of hearing about white women in true crime" - and first of all, the gross, true crime aspect of that question is disgusting, but I always look at this kind of comment like - being white didn't save these women... Of course, white women have privileges from being white and the perfect victim doesn't exist, but they are WOMEN too and are victims of sex-based oppression and violence. I remember this kind of stuff happening when Gabby Petito first went missing where I saw so many people getting pissed about the coverage she was getting, and it made me so confused because - this girl is dead and was killed by her psychotic husband. Idk if I'm even articulating this properly, but I'm trying to reframe my thinking around this term because it's definitely important and should be talked about - especially with so many Palestinian women dying, but I always just feel so gross when people talk about "missing white women syndrome" as if its some sort of special status/title...
tbh the term “missing white woman syndrome” does come across as insensitive so im not particularly keen on it, but like you, i understand why it exists as a term to highlight a clear phenomena in which woc that are missing (far more common) are not given anywhere near the level of concern a missing white woman is. so i get u there. i would prefer if there was a better term for it, like idk missing women coverage gap or something thats.. idk less.. off-putting? i guess thats what we’re stuck with for now and i think we can maintain a healthy balance between expressing concern that there is no attention put on woc that have gone missing (or even better, taking the opportunity to bring attention to woc that have gone missing!) and the way some ppl seem to take that term, which in itself reeks of insensitivity, & use it to get angry at white women that are victimised by kidnappings and/or homicides like gabby petito. like, she didnt create this coverage gap or the lack of care from police, and the goal isnt to give white women less coverage but rather to also care when woc face such fates. so the people taking their anger on white women that have gone missing are directing their anger at entirely inappropriate targets.
that said, that person asking for true crime about woc is bizarre… what kind of sick idea of Representation is wanting to hear about woc being killed and violated instead of hearing about white women being killed and violated?! my god
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