#if anyone has any ideas for adam please let me know bc i got nothing

[irorny]

defenders of tomorrow headcanons bc im trash

(or just my ideas for a dystopian novel ill never write feat. voltron characters)

Defenders of Tomorrow

small bull city-based guerilla rebel force

goal: take down the three main monopolies exploiting humanity

SendTech Communications, Zarco Energy, L Motors, but more on them later

members: silicut, akira, leandro, heartbleed, ping, alzina, andrés, rowan, shuri, and ig corneilus? maybe?

methods: attack where tech companies can’t protect themselves, the real world. main method of travel is old abandoned subways. use “old-fashioned” weapons like guns, grenades, even a tank. L Motors is the biggest challenge since they’re more real-world-oriented

Ohmen

group of hackers, much larger than DOT but with less success

aim to take down monopolies by destabilizing the whole G.A.L.R.A.

name comes from ohm, unit of measuring electrical resistance

sorta rivals with DOT before eventually working together

akira, alzina, silicut, mendel, and ping have all worked with them in the past

symbol is basically BOM turned on its side bc it... vaguely... resembles an ohm symbol

G.A.L.R.A.

technically stands for Globalized Asset Legitimacy Rate Appraisal but we both know that’s gibberish, pretty much just the stock market

The Honorable Virtua is president of the GALRA

manipulates stock value so the rich get richer and small businesses never gain traction

SendTech collects, monitors, and abuses almost all human interaction to increase profit. products microphones are always on and sending data back to company, which uses the data to find people with revolutionary ideas and eliminate them. also makes designer babies.

Zarco Energy is the parent company to end all parent companies. main product is EnerGenius, marketed as a clean energy source that “runs on life, to help life run right.” To public knowledge it runs on the user’s own energy, and it does partially, but the majority of EnerGenius is harvested by abducting homeless youth and draining them of their life force (you know that scream extractor machine the purple lizard dude from monsters inc had? yeah its pretty much that)

L Motors is a transportation company that designs spaceships, drones, and operates several underground expressways, produces some short-distance vehicles for the military and the elite. restricts mobility and ability to travel for common people

akira

bastard son of zarco ceo (zoltar) and ohmen spy (kyung-hu) who was killed on a mission when he was little

silicut and ohmen took him under their wing after he narrowly escaped being abducted for EnerGenius

kyung-hu was a “defect” designer baby, usually die of genetic disorders before age 4, akira is the first person to have a “defect” parent. part of the changes in akiras DNA allow him to control tech with his mind (if you watched the last season of the flash, think killgore bc i have no original ideas)

wears silicut’s old jacket. for some reason it glows red when he wears it

ill have actual art for all these guys eventually i swear im just a really shitty artist so it takes forever

leandro

natural-born human (aka poor), extremely resorceful, adaptable, quick-witted, and hella sharpshooter

doesn’t like to talk ab his past, always plays it off well

trained to be an assassin for zarco from age 11 to support his family when he lived in cuba, mom was a sex worker and helped him hide on the underground express train of a wealthy client to get him away at 14. he hasn’t seen his family since.

wore same few outfits from when he first got to bull city for years, alzina eventually buys him new ones

old soul, loves 21st century pop culture

formed DOT bc he cant hack for shit but wanted to help somehow, team sniper

silicut

defect designer baby thrown away by parents

SendTech included listening and tracking devices on him at his parents request, used them to track ohmen, silicut willingly cut off his own arm so they wouldn’t be discovered

hardest-working and best-trained member of ohmen

part of his hair is naturally bioluminescent and violet

heartbleed

yes thats his name. his parents named him after a computer bug, but hes never been particularly good at software, just hardware. 

only one on the team with a family, kinda becomes the mom friend by default

wears grandfathers old garrison jacket and “primitive lumis” (theyre literally sketchers light up sneakers but dont tell him that)

team muscle and engineer, often poses as a security guard with shuri to complete missions in secure areas

ping

honest-to-god android, used to be human girl but experimented on themselves to try to find a way to level the paying field bewteen humans and designer babies, but became really sick from being around toxic chemicals so much. after meeting shuri, becomes inspired by 21st century comics and builds arc reactor type thing that made them lose much of what makes them human

imperative that theyre not discovered by tech companies, would be killed for research in a heartbeat

team leader and software engineer, directs missions from base camp by using own tech so team can’t be tracked

the worlds first jewish robot

lost brother, mendel, to EnerGenius which their father helped create

has glowing circuitboard-looking veins!!!! 

alzina

useless senator in an obsolete government by day, super DOT spy by night. got into politics back when she believed in the system, but has since realized that all of her colleagues have been bought out and now shes willing to do whatever it takes to restore peace and justice.

afro-south asian designer baby, parents opted not to put tracking and listening devices on her, but hair and parts of her skin are purple and bioluminecsent. married to rowan.

originally worked with ohmen to bug sellout government officials, silicut introduced her to DOT and shes now team spy/liaison to big companies

comes from a rich, well-respected family and ends up using much of her money to buy nice things for the team

rowan

born into one of the few remaining middle class families, parents sold L Motors products for a living and hoped they would have a son whod be able to climb through the ranks and make a better life for himself. got a trans lesbian revolutionary instead. 

trying to bring back journalism, met wife alzina by interviewing her for her work. the instant chemistry made more than a few readers cringe.

team’s go-to for recon missions since shes highly observant, asks all the right questions, and can blend in with a crowd easily

shuri

named after black panther character, comes from family of miners in the mountains

hijabi, and often smuggles contraband or conceals a small weapon under hijab

sometimes heartbleed sits next to her when she prays in public to make sure no one walks in front of her

really sweet, but also the team muscle and could kill a man with her bare hands if she chose to

corneilius

representative of planet earth

sold out to zarco when he was younger in exchange for being reelected every term

supposed to have a lot of power in his position but is really just a huge bobblehead

cant take anything seriously, as a result most of earths problems go neglected by the government

#im so sorry oof #im not usually voltron on main but i also dont have a sideblog soooooo #if for some ungodly reason this gets popular i kinda wanna turn it into a comic book type thing? not a book book obviously but like online #if anyone has any ideas for adam please let me know bc i got nothing #my boy got like 20 seconds of screen time before dying so i dont even know what to base him on #leakira #leandro #akira #voltron #vld #defenders of tomorrow

[staytiny-present]

Ateez Coraline!au

DUDE I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL WHICH MEANS I CAN WRITE MORE YAYYYY!

anyway, this is meant to be a little headcanon thing for a series i’ve been planning that is, obviously, based on the movie coraline. it’ll be a reader insert for you to enjoy as well :) this is basically a “ateez as characters in coraline,” but my plan is to still make them unique to the story. i hope you like this!

warnings: this does not match at all swearing, angsty situations, borderline crack (you’ll see), i think i make one sex joke, allusions to depression - PLEASE take caution when you read yunho’s part. i don’t think i go into any specifics, but his gets serious that i just want you to be aware

Reader’s backstory: you’ve lived with your grandmother who owns the pink palace apartments since you were a teenager so you can help her out as she gets older. the pink palace isn’t the most well-known, but it’s gotten a pretty negative rap since the disappearance of your best friend in high school. it’s hard living there still, but you know your grandma needs the support. you know nearly all of the ins and outs of the place, and all of the tenants adore both you and your grandma

Wooyoung and Yeosang ~ Spink and Forcible

tell me i’m wrong

that’s right you can’t

they’ve been friends for years and bicker and tease each other like they’re married and still love and support each other? yeah

wooyoung and yeosang are childhood friends

they mostly did dance in high school but they were also in theater, and they were kinda well known for being The Best™

they were recruited to join a lot of teams and a lot of colleges wanted them because they were just??? amazing??? how tf??

so yeah they earned a lot of recognition in high school that honestly got them really famous from when they were 16 onward

it’s been a few years since then and so the hype around them has definitely died down but we’ll get to that

they are currently still working on stuff in regards to dancing and acting

they’re technically in college too, but they do online classes so they can stay at home and work on their shows

wooyoung is the idealist while yeosang is the realist

like i said, they act like an old married couple always bickering and fighting but they really do love each other

ride or die best friends dude

it’s just that they say they’ll do certain things or are planning things soon and it just… doesn’t happen

that’s mostly idealist woo talking before yeosang can reign him in

so for years it’s been a lot of empty promises of new work that many people just stopped expecting things from them

and because of that they’ve past their peak and are basically just in limbo before they are actually able to make/perform their next show or something like that 

they rent the basement apartment of the pink palace, and they’ve technically lived in there the longest actually

growing up, both of their families lived there so that was how they met and became the best of friends :)

they didn’t want to leave either but they had to for a couple years

but at least they stayed together :)

their families moved back when the boys were about a year into high school just because the old woman who owns the place is a gem and the city had a great school for them to go to

while they were living there though a boy around their age went missing, and it basically convinced their families that they should move out

wooyoung and yeosang were very adamant about staying, so their families told them you’re either moving away with us or finding a way to pay for the apartment yourselves

so the next day wooyoung and yeosang went out and found themselves some jobs so that they could

it upset their parents sure, but they were also kinda proud that they took so much initiative about this - they knew they would succeed in life

it also factored into why grandma let them stay because she knew the same thing

the sweet woman even said she would help them out from time to time :(

then cue the next 3-4 years where woo and yeo are making a bunch of money with their dances teams and performing in shows 

they’ve gotten a good amount of money over the years that they’ve been able to renovate the basement so that it’s really nice

now they have posters of their “golden years” (as wooyoung says) from high school and their first years of college all around their place

they have a dog and have been seriously considering getting more because he’s getting kind of old :( 

they don’t really get out much bc they are constantly trying to plan and work on their shows, but it’s fine because there’s nothing really close to the pink palace :/ the closest city where they went to school is quite the commute

but because of all this - the empty promises, the lack of activity, the radio silence - no one really takes them seriously anymore, and really people just stopped believing in them

it’s a major factor in their motivation and work ethic, but they try their hardest not to let it deter them from what they want to do in life

Mingi, San, and Jongho ~ The Amazing Bobinsky

trust me here ok?

mingi, san, and jongho start their own circus right out of high school

hear me out

the boys all went to high school together, but jongho is a year younger than them so they all graduated at different times

however they had a lot of classes together because they didn’t really care much about school and it reflected on their academics

so they were put in a lot of lower classes together that they all did well in, they just didn’t care about school

their circus started out as a joke honestly

it was probably edgy teen jongho who was like “ugh i hate school i should just drop out and join the circus”

and it became a running joke between them like haha yeah let’s join the circus, who would we all be tho?

mingi and san were both very adamant that jongho would be the strongman what with all his fruit breaking endeavors and the buff buff arms dude

san did martial arts and liked dancing and was very flexible so he was like ayy i’ll be the acrobat

it took them a while to decide what mingi would be because they were like “huh well what about the lion tamer?” “you know how much of a fraidy cat he is?” “ok well what about a trapeze artist?” “he’s a great dancer and flexible sure, but would he ever be able to have that kind of coordination?” “ok fine then what about a clown?” “fuck you guys”

they chose sword swallower mostly because like??? how does it work?? idk mingi should find out 

and yeah for a while it was a running joke between all of them like yeah we’re gonna drop out of school and join the circus lol

but then come mingi and san’s senior year and they were like… hang on

could… could we actually do this? it sounds fun as hell

it went as far as them all researching circuses in their spare time and income and how to go about joining one

and it ended with them not wanting to live the lifestyle of a traveling circus 

sure it sounded cool as fuck, but while they were somewhat willing to live with those conditions, they weren’t willing enough

so the next best thing for them would be to start their own circus

of course, how do you tell your parents that what you want to be when you grow up is a circus performer?

the answer: you don’t 

whenever they were asked things likes “oh what do you want to do in college?” they all just kinda passed it off as they didn’t know, but in reality they didn’t really have any desire to go to college

you don’t need a degree to start a circus, so they didn’t really want to

once mingi and san graduated, they immediately started looking for affordable apartments where they could do their thing - start their circus

in all honesty they started looking before they graduated too, partially since they would be moving out after hs but also because they just felt better about not living with their parents 

they had seen the pink palace in the newspaper a lot with a vacant attic apartment, and basically since they found out about it they were sold on it

a weird place in the middle of nowhere run by a woman who doesn’t mind housing younger people? perfect

they actually met her before they graduated so they could see about renting the apartment sooner or later

grandma all but told them it was there’s once she met the boys, and she understands that when they are finally able to start living there they will be pretty tight on money, so she doesn’t even make them pay the down payment - she does that herself and holds the apartment for them

because let’s face it: the pink palace isn’t very big,, it already has a good amount of people living there,,, how many people are actually gonna consider moving to the middle of nowhere to actually live there?

plus she likes these three boys, so she wants to help them as much as she can

so yeah once mingi and san graduate, they are basically ready to move into the pink palace

but this is technically after that boy went missing and after the case turned cold, so grandma doesn’t want to rent to anyone new

but she already assured the boys that the attic was theirs, and she’s not about to break that promise

so before giving the boys the keys she gives them the lowdown of what’s been going on and what will happen in the future

they know the boy went missing, but she explains to them all that happened and that it gives the pink palace a bad rap (even though she hardly cares about that), so she wouldn’t normally be doing something like this but they will be the last people she lets rent from her

and they don’t completely understand because they have no idea what this has been doing to the poor old woman, but they understand enough and are grateful for her that she’s still letting them live there

they decide then that it would be better for jongho to start living with them now even before he’s graduated just so it’s less of a change for grandma in the future

which jongho is totally okay with because he honestly would rather live with them anyway

but uh yeah mingi, san, and jongho are the last ones to start renting at the pink palace for a long while

they split rent three ways so that it’s less burdensome on them, and they all have jobs so that they can afford it

mingi and san work full time while jongho has a part time job while he finishes school

but full time they are all preparing and planning their circus!!

takes a lot of throat training for mingi 😏 since he is literally putting swords down his throat, and he started this basically right when they decided their circus was going to be real

san and jongho have advantages because they already have some skill in their areas, but that doesn’t mean they don’t train

san still takes martial arts and dance, and he’s even signed up for gymnastics to help him with his flexibility

jongho basically spends all of his spare times working out (mostly lifting weights) so that he can really be strong

but also jongho has a thing for rats/mice and is like “hey,, why don’t we use them for something so that it’s not just us?”

and the boys lowkey are like wtf dude why but then again who are they to shut down his ideas when they are literally starting a circus?

so they’re like fine but that’s on you to decide how to do that and to plan the act

jongho: yessss ratssss

also jongho: NO they’re not RATS they’re MICE these are MICE THANK YOU

this is the “jumping mice” aspect of the coraline movie with bobinsky just fyi

a lot of jongho’s time in school is spent in the science and psychology departments talking to teachers about animals (specifically rats/mice) and how to train and work with them

the teachers are all kinda like… what? but also they are just happy that jongho is interested in something enough to come to the teachers and ask questions and apply himself

lmao it’s not for school tho

so he learns a lot of this information at school and honestly this might be the only thing he learns at school because soon enough he’s graduating with a bunch of knowledge on how to work with and train animals

once out of high school he starts working full time too so that money and rent is even easier

all of their extra money that isn’t toward rent and bills and groceries go to their circus

they hardly ever buy new clothes unless it’s something for their circus

also the boys had to go to grandma to ask if they could house mice in their apartment, and while it was a hard no (unless they were trained and wouldn’t cause trouble), jongho still smuggled them in

grandma knows about it too (bc she knows everything that goes on for the most part lmao) but she doesn’t say anything because they don’t cause trouble and she likes the boys

the day one of them gets loose and starts terrorizing and infesting the pink palace is the day she intervenes and tells them to get rid of them

but jongho is actually really good at training the mice so it’s fine

my point surrounding all of this is to say that mingi, san, and jongho are in the long and arduous stage of their lives and their circus of planning and preparing everything

they only make so much money and have so many resources that setting up their circus and doing everything to prepare is going to take a long time before they can actually open and show people what they’ve been working on

they’ve been doing it for a few years now and they’ve still hardly made a dent

they have to train and perfect their acts sure, but they also have to do all of the logistical stuff like advertising, selling tickets, finding venues, paying for safety and legal stuff, etc.

and these boys are only in their early 20s, so it’s gonna take a while before they can actually open their circus

but they are determined and passionate, so if this is what they have to do then they will happily do it

Yunho ~ The Ghost Children

oh god this is gonna start getting serious i’m sorry

in case you can’t tell, yunho is the boy that goes missing from the pink palace

he and his family lived in the pink palace from when he was pretty young until he was in high school

he was also really good friends with wooyoung and yeosang because they were all the same age

however he was... not happy

he always worked his ass off dancing because that’s what he wanted to do, but it meant his grades in school tanked

this would obviously be worrying to some parents, and his gave him an ultimatum

either get your grades up and start taking school seriously, or you’re not going to be allowed to continue your dance lessons

the answer was clear to yunho, so he told his dance teacher that he would be taking a break for a bit so he can focus on school

everything was fine until he realized his parents had zero intentions of letting him go back anyway

he didn’t understand,, his grades were getting better so why couldn’t he go back?

to put it plainly, his parents said this:

“what kind of career could you make out of dance? you’ll never succeed”

it was crushing

it was then that yunho realized that his own parents didn’t care about what he wanted and was passionate about

he didn’t think they ever would either, so he just sort of... stopped believing in them

it wasn’t all bad because he had his closest friends and grandma (who treated him like her own grandson)

but he had some pretty bad days that made the happy and energetic boy almost completely unrecognizable

he would look at wooyoung and yeosang and see how successful they were despite still being in school

he would see how their talent was rightfully recognized and sought after

and he would get down on himself, thinking how he wanted the same thing but fearing no one would see him

that’s why he worked hard at everything he did, why his motivation plummeted, and why he nearly wore himself out before even graduating

but one day he started acting strange

everyone noticed how a switch seemed to flip in him

that excited glimmer was back in his eyes, and no one knew why

don’t get me wrong, everyone was so happy to see the smiley yunho was back, but everyone wanted to know what happened

but he hardly made any sense when he told them

he supposedly found a place in the pink palace where he could do what he wanted, but whenever he tried showing anyone he couldn’t? the door was bricked up

everyone started thinking he made it up, that the stress was finally getting to him and he dreamt up a place like this so he wouldn’t lose his mind

that glimmer was gone again, and he stopped trying to talk to people

in fact, he closed himself off from everyone 

the day he went missing was the scariest day for everyone in the pink palace

everyone was devastated, but it completely changed his parents

grandma advised them to move out while the police investigated, but they refused despite how hard it was

but after a year the case became cold

no one could find yunho nor could anyone figure out what happened to him

he just disappeared without a trace

his parents still tried to stay though because they needed to find out what happened to their son

but they couldn’t. no one could

it wasn’t long before they too found it best that they move out of the pink palace

it was just too painful

that was the last time grandma ever rented to anyone new, so the apartment became completely vacant for years

even after they left, no one was able to figure out what happened to yunho

Seonghwa ~ The Black Cat

geomeun goyangi nero nero nero

uhhhh yeah seonghwa’s a cat lmao

he’s not owned by anyone and doesn’t have a collar or anything

he’s a stray that has been around for a while

he showed up pretty soon after yunho started distancing himself from people, but not soon enough for people to think that he’s an omen or something

and he’s not exactly

idk really how to explain it so i won’t lmao

he just sort of became the pink palace’s cat???

grandma takes responsibility for him though and makes sure he’s fed and has a place to rest and play if he ever feels like it

which is nice and all but he doesn’t?? do any of those things?

he comes and goes a lot sure,,, no one really knows where he goes but they know he’ll be back

but when he hangs out around the pink palace? he just... wanders?

it’s hard to explain but it’s almost like he is surveying the domain, like he’s searching for something wrong

he’s a weird cat

not only that though, but he doesn’t eat? or sleep? at all???

at least no one ever sees him sleeping or eating

he’s always getting into shit tho, like he’s always there when you don’t want him to be

there have been many times wooyoung has kicked him out of the apartment because the dogs hate him

mingi and san also try to keep him out because of jongho and his rats mice, but honestly jongho is pretty cool with him

because he doesn’t do anything to the mice? he literally just sits there and watches with wide and curious eyes

sure jongho worries about hwa one day stealing one of his mice for grandma to see so that she can make him get rid of them or kick them out but that’s not going to happen right?

hwa is chill tho, so jongho is chill

the cat would follow yunho around a lot, and a lot of times they were seen curled up together

yunho would be taking a nap the poor boy but hwa wouldn’t

he would just be there to comfort him :(

honestly he liked yunho and his best friend the most and everyone could tell jongho was a close second tho

they all came to start calling him mars instead of The Cat™ since they didn’t know his name

they still call him The Cat™ when he pisses them off but i digress

despite how fucking weird he is though, everyone at the pink palace basically loves him

he’s just Their Cat™ ok?

sure he might be annoying and shifty, or he might be haunted, or he might even be immortal

he’s a really weird cat dude

but he’s part of the family,, they gotta love him

Hongjoong ~ Coraline

curtesy of inception era hongjoong 

so joong is our main man here

at first he had no relation to the pink palace whatsoever,, he had never even heard of it

he lived with a friend in a fairly large city before and it was fine and all but WOW was it expensive

and it was honestly very stifling to hongjoong,,, he couldn’t really do everything he wanted to do there

he found the pink palace by accident

he was searching up affordable apartments to live in places that have good weather and conditions for gardening

let me explain though

hongjoong is in his downward stretch of college for a journalism degree, but he’s taking online classes with his move so that he can focus on that and working

he wants to work in gardening and writing, but he also really just wants to make stuff

his realistic plan is to work in journalism and write for like a gardening magazine or journal while gardening as a “side project” or something (like coraline’s parents do)

did somebody say florist joong? because i did

the dream job though would be to work in song writing or fashion or something artistic like that

he likes painting and making/customizing clothes so he would like to be able to make a career out of that

his goal is to eventually make his own business or store where he makes and sells affordable and sustainable clothes and accessories

he’s going for a degree in journalism with a minor in business, but he has been struggling with both so he has been debating dropping business

arguably it would be better for him to stick with business but most people in his life have told him he’s better in journalism and so he keeps at that mostly 

he feels unfulfilled - he wants to plant a garden, he wants to make and alter clothes customly, he wants to make music

but he isn’t able to do any of that because what are the odds any of that ends up working as a career? 

it might work for a little while but in the future he would technically be a small business, and maintaining a small business is difficult

at least with writing and working for a magazine/journal is stable

however it’s not what he’s most passionate about, thus he finds it hard to have motivation to work

he feels like a zombie going through his days the same as the last, just trying to get through school before he gets a 9-5 job that he’ll hate within a year (if that) doing something he doesn’t want to do

but hey, that’s adult life, isn’t it? 

he doesn’t like to complain and feels guilty when he is ungrateful for his circumstances because he knows plenty of people (his parents included) that went down this route who ended up fine, which means he will too

the one person who always told him to go after what he wanted was his mom even though she technically “settled” in life

holy shit did i digress

but yeah in his search for an affordable place to live with good weather, there wasn’t a lot 

but he also wanted a drastic change from what he was used to, and that was the pink palace

it was practically in the middle of nowhere, and the pictures (while pretty dull) showed potential for a great garden

it was perfect

however

it was a hard no from grandma when he called about possibly renting, so he wasn’t expecting her to call him back at all

grandma didn’t want to risk anything because of what happened with yunho

but with some convincing, she realized that she couldn’t keep holding on

while what happened was horrible, there was nothing that could be done as sad as it was

so she called hongjoong back about when the best time to come look at the pink palace would be

and the rest is history

#this is all over the place i'm so sorry #it starts happy then gets sad then gets funny then gets sad again and just ahhhh #yes i realize the jongsangi part is the longest but in my defense there's three of them #ateez #ateez au #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #hongjoong au #hongjoong imagines #hongjoong scenarios #seonghwa au #seonghwa imagines #seonghwa scenarios #yunho au #yunho imagines #yunho scenarios #yeosang au #yeosang imagines #yeosang scenarios #san au #san imagines #san scenarios #mingi au #mingi imagines #mingi scenarios #wooyoung au #wooyoung imagines #wooyoung scenarios #jongho au #jongho imagines

[okaybutlikeimagine]

Hi first of I spend last night reading through so many of your asks they’re AMAZING. It got me thinking about Billy’s first birthday at the cabin. I feel like he wouldn’t tell anyone about his birthday because they were never a big deal for him and they’d discover it was his birthday a few weeks later and they’d feel really bad about it. So they pick a day in the next week and treat it like his birthday as a surprise and Billy is completely overwhelmed by the all love. Thoughts?

First off: you’re so damn sweet, @kingsandsaints, goodness me thanks hun ♥ (also this was so long ago but I legit started writing this right after you asked it god i’m so sorry it’s taken this long to finish)

Second OHMYGOD i love this idea so much!!!

Okay, legit the only person who knows the exact day of Billy’s birthday is Max. Like, not even Steve knows.

Billy just never talks about it. And I mean never. For as much of a ham as this boy is, he doesn’t actually like all that much attention from most people. Especially the people at school. He’s so sick of them- he’s so sick of everyone hanging off of him and touching him like he’s there to be touched. Like he’s there as their toy to play with. Like he’s there for their entertainment.

He gets so fed up.

Bc Billy is no open book. He’s real good at keeping his emotions pushed down and hidden away. He’s a private person and he’s very adamant about that because, as far as he’s concerned, no one needs to know any of his business. And his birthday is very much his business. It’s his day, his life, his choice on whether he wants to tell people and his choice is… nope.

He debated telling Steve this year just to hold it over his head bc Steve was being a bitch and Billy just wanted to hang out and smoke and suck the boy’s dick or something. But he decided against it. bc if he tells one person, he runs the risk of way more people knowing and then they fuss and they coddle and they pay way too much attention to him and he doesn’t need that.

So his birthday comes and goes and no one is the wiser. Hop picks a small fight with him that morning about drinking out of the milk carton, El accidentally scuffs a pair of his favorite boots as she was stomping around the house, and he got a C on his math test even though he finally felt fucking good about it. His teacher gives him so much attitude and he wants to pull someone’s teeth out.

But it’s a normal day. And he’d rather take the comfort of a normal day over the extravagance of some day people decide they’re obligated to be ‘nice’ to him. He doesn’t need that shit. He doesn’t need fake pity or kindness.

But, y’know… he still goes out with Max.

Bc she’d be pissed if he didn’t at least see her on his birthday. She’s gotten bratty about it. When his birthday comes around she likes to cross her arms and scowl and pout and stand in his way until he gives in and drives them down to the nearest ice cream place so she can buy him an ice cream cone or something. It’s really stupid. He thinks it’s stupid. No he doesn’t smile at all on their little adventure, thank you. And if his chest feels warm when she hands the ice cream over with that smug look on her face that Billy can’t help but think she learned from him… well he’d never ever admit to it.

This year is no different. After school he forgoes hanging out with Steve or heading home to cart El around to wherever she wants to go in favor of driving Max to the nearest ice cream place, which happens to be the next town over.

They’re bantering and bickering with each other, Max asking if she’s still the only one he keeps in his life who knows about his birthday.

“Yup.” He says, fixing the cuffs on his jean jacket. She rolls her eyes.

“Seriously? It’s still a secret?”

“Yeah, and you better keep it, you brat.

“Shut up, what flavor do you want?”

He puts his hands on his hips. “You know what I always get, Roc-”

“Yeah, yeah.” She turns to the person at the counter. “One… two scoops of Rocky Road please.”

Billy eyes her suspiciously.

“In a dipped cone.”

“Alright, what’d you do.” Billy asks, fixing the cuff on his other sleeve.

“Nothing.” Max sounds tired.

“… you break one of my records?”

“No!”

“Scratch my car?”

“Oh my god, no.” She’s rolling her eyes.

He gets down to her level, eyeing her curiously, lifting an eyebrow and then the other before asking:

“You kill someone?”

“Shut up, Billy! Oh my god.”

He straightens out with a dark chuckle. “How am i supposed to know? You’re not exactly the generous type.”

“You’re so full of shit.” She grabs the cone and shoves it his way (as if that was easier than him getting it himself, which it definitely wasn’t) before ordering her own scoop of strawberry.

They sit and enjoy the kind of humorously comfortable silence that only they have with each other before Max breaks it.

“You need to tell someone.”

Billy hits her with a look.

“I’m serious, Billy.”

“Yeah, so am I, brat. Who gives a fuck about my birthday?”

“Well no one if you don’t tell them.”

“Exactly.” Billy stares at his cone as he takes a large lick. “Looking to keep it that way.”

Max rolls her eyes. “You’re so damn stubborn.”

And billy goes about the rest of the day and then the rest of the week, more than happy to be stubborn as fuck until…

Well until one day in the next week where everyone’s acting… strange. Really strange. All antsy and secretive around him, quiet about the way they speak to each other and giving him these weird glances that make him think he’s out of the loop. Make him know he is and this is the shit he tries to avoid. He doesn’t like the whole “not knowing” thing. He likes to be in the know.

And that’s all what makes him dread coming home that day from school. Steve said he was too busy to let him come over but wouldn’t say why (Steve is the worst liar Billy’s ever known. He wonders if he’s just a bad liar to Billy or if he’s this way with everyone) so he has nowhere to go but home. And it’s not even fear in his body, it’s just nerves because there’s something going on and he doesn’t know about it.

So he walks up to the house quietly and slowly, eyes shifting over to the window before he reaches the door to see if he can see anything but the curtains are closed.

And then he’s opening the door slowly, trying to prepare himself for whatever’s going on, probably overpreparing himself if he thinks about it too much, and-

“Surprise!”

Billy flinches.

Bc while he was definitely prepared for something, some kind of surprise, potentially for his birthday (which he wasn’t actually dreading. Not that he would admit to it), he wasn’t prepared for confetti being thrown in his face.

Billy covers his eyes, wiping the little pieces of paper off.

“Oh, honey!” comes Joyce’s voice. Billy begins rubbing at his eyes and sees a blurry vision of Joyce gently taking hold of El’s arm. “Try to avoid his face.”

Billy groans a bit. He tries to make it sound like he’s not irritated.

“What’s going on?”

“Happy Birthday, Billy!” comes a chorus of voices that sounds like Max, El, and 2 quiet Byers brothers.

Billy shakes his head, scanning the people that are there, trying his goddamn best not to let his face split into a smile because… because… well what the fuck.

Everyone’s here. El, Max, Jim, Will, Jonathan, Joyce… 

And Billy is absolutely beside himself. He never quite understood that phrase until exactly this moment. He feels like he’s viewing this from a spot slightly to the left of where he is, watching himself watch in awe at these people that are… that are his, aren’t they? That went out of their way… stopped their day, honestly, just to do this. To celebrate him and his existence and this is a little ridiculous. For a second he remembers why he finds birthdays a little silly. They’re all looking at him with smiles on their faces like they’re just happy he’s here and it’s… it’s just ridiculous. Why?

He scans his surroundings in a second, though it feels like slow motion. He sees the streamers along the ceiling that were probably placed there by El (with the help of Hop), a banner in the back with ‘Happy Birthday Billy!’ written on it that was definitely painted by Will, blue balloons floating around everywhere with curly ribbons hanging off of a few of them, a couple of gift-wrapped presents on the coffee table, and then his… his family, standing right in front of him, beaming like he did something right.

He shakes his head again, the words still floating through the air.

“It’s not my birthday.” Billy says in vain, because he knows that’s not the point here. A couple of chuckles hit the air, but Billy’s still eyeing the decorations around him.

“We’re making it your birthday.” Comes Will’s voice, and Billy turns to see him smiling wide. Billy rolls his eyes, biting the inside of his bottom lip to stop the smile forming.

“You guys are-”

There’s a knock at the door behind him.

He takes a second to turn, still dealing with the slight shock flooding through his system that only deepens when he finds Steve on the other side.

Steve’s smile widens quickly.

“Happy Birthday.” He says like he’s saying ‘I love you’ and it makes Billy’s chest burn.

“I-”

“I got you something.” Steve says, pushing a (poorly) wrapped present into Billy’s chest, forcing him to take it. It’s heavy.

“You guys are ridiculous.” Billy mumbles down to the present he’s now holding close to his chest, fully aware of his face turning pink. And it only gets pinker because Steve decides to lean over and kiss Billy’s cheek and he’s gonna riot. He’s gonna fight someone for making him feel so seen.

Billy’s still standing in the doorway when Steve yells out “I brought the cake!” To the rest of the room and moves around Billy to walk into the cabin.

Billy stands there for a minute, willing his blush to go down before he closes the door and ventures into prey.

And it’s… quite the evening. Hop puts on one of Billy’s favorite records and helps Joyce make burgers and homemade french fries (that are either very crispy or very soft) for them all to eat. As they’re getting the food ready, El pulls Billy to dance with her and Will and Max as Jonathan shows Steve where to put the birthday cake and Billy is… 

Billy is kind of floating in place, being pulled around by El to the beat of the music and he kind of just wants to sit. El notices Max drag Billy over to the sofa, so she grabs onto Will instead, spinning around with him.

“Happy birthday, jerk.” Max sits on the sofa.

Billy flops next to her onto the couch in response, looking at the decorations around him before absent-mindedly pulling on the ribbon of one of the balloons.

“Do you like your party?” Max asks, leaning forward to look the boy in the eye. He just kind of scoffs a bit.

“I… I dunno what to do.” Billy says, pulling the balloon down to eye level before letting it float back up and doing it all over again. It’s an oddly nervous gesture that he doesn’t feel he has very much control of. “This is so… awkward. This is why I didn’t want anyone knowing. Birthday parties are so dumb.”

“It’s just because you’ve never had one.” Max says, punching Billy’s shoulder lightly. He pulls the balloon back down again so he can bat it into Max’s face.

“Hey!” She shrieks a bit, swiping it away.

Billy notices Jonathan walk up to them then, and he looks up to find Steve has gotten swept up in the dancing.

“You good?” Jonathan asks, settling himself next to Billy to watch his brother and El spin poor Steve around like crazy. He hands Billy an opened beer bottle. “Courtesy of Hop, by the way. He said the birthday boy deserves one.”

Billy chuckles as he accepts it. “Thanks. And yeah, I guess.” he mumbles up against the lip of the bottle before taking a swig. “S’just weird.”

“Don’t like parties?” Jonathan asks with a smirk on his face.

“Not really.” Billy swats at Max’s hand as she reaches for his bottle.

“Hm… I don’t believe you.”

His grin is smarmy. Billy glares weakly at it. “I don’t. Not parties about me. What’s that thing about big parties having more privacy?”

Jonathan laughs. “Are you quoting The Great Gatsby?”

Billy shoves his shoulder into Jonthan’s. “I don’t fucking know! I guess? There’s something… different about people looking at me when I don’t really know them. It’s easier that way.” He takes a nervous swig of his beer.

“Well, if you want, we can all ignore you for the rest of the night.” Jonathan offers with a smirk, leaning back on the sofa. Billy grabs a pillow from the couch to shove into Jonathan’s face.

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious. I’d be more than happy to ignore you. Easiest birthday gift I’ll ever give.”

“You’re so nice to me, Byers.”

“I know, my generosity is endless.”

The two are near laughing with each other when Max makes a confused noise next to them.

“You guys are weird.” She says with a scrunched up look on her face. She’s going to get up to join the dancing when Joyce and Hop call everyone to dinner.

And it’s… it’s nice. The food is good and the conversation is fairly easy. Hop and Joyce ask Billy a few questions about how his day was and how he feels now that he’s 18 and how he’s a really “handsome and confident young man” (Joyce’s words) that may or may not make Billy tear up and have to hide it in his burger. He’s thankful that Jonathan notices something’s up (maybe even gives him pity, though Billy doesn’t want to think about that) and changes the subject while Steve puts a comforting and warm hand on Billy’s thigh.

The conversation shifts away from him and he’s thankful for it. They joke around and laugh and smile and then Hop’s putting on a different record as they sit Billy down to open up his presents.

And this is where he feels every bit of awkwardness, because everyone’s sitting around waiting for him to open the presents that they specifically bought for him. Waiting for his reactions to these things that are being given to him with the implication of putting a smile on his face and it’s just… the weirdest sort of pressure?

And he likes these people. They’re like… they’re his family now. So he can’t even just not care about how they feel about his reactions. He wants to make them feel good about what they gave him.

But it’s really not that hard, bc, lo and behold, these people actually know him pretty well. It’s a… weird feeling. He can’t remember the last time he got a present from someone who actually cared this much. Max hasn’t bought him a present ever bc he makes such a big deal about hating his birthday. But here he is, a little bundle of presents in front of him and he… he feels spoiled. It’s a first that’s been happening for a few months now. Every day that he gets that spoiled feeling feels like the first time bc it’s so alien. He’s not sure he’ll ever get used to it.

So he opens them up slowly. There’s a little gray box from Will, with a cool as hell charm on a chain inside. It’s a little skull, delicately painted in various metallic colors. It almost looks mosaic from the paint.

“It’s an earring.” Will explains in a nervous, bouncy kind of excitement. “I found the charm and then painted it.”

Billy’s amazed at the detail. He musses up Will’s hair with a smile and gives his thanks, taking his own earring out to put his new one in.

There’s a very poorly wrapped present leaning up against the table, labeled “From El and Max ♥”. From the shape of the crinkly, potentially used wrapping paper, Billy thinks he has an inkling of what it is. He still acts shocked when he opens it, if only just for El.

“Skateboard!”

And my lovely friend @okayshitbird helped me out w/ ideas for presents for Billy and had this WONDERFUL idea of 1. Max yearning to skate w/ Billy again bc we both agree that Billy 120% used to be a skater back in Cali before he got a car AND taught Max how to skate. And also 2. El wanting to learn to skate bc she thinks Max is so cool and i think we can ALL agree that we were ROBBED of Max and El skating w/ each other. SO.

Billy opens it up to find a skateboard. And it’s like… a nice one. It’s clearly not brand new, it’s got a little bit of use on it’s wheels and a couple scratches already, but it’s obviously close to new. The deck itself is pretty sweet, too. The pattern is neon and psychedelic looking, and it takes a couple of seconds for Billy to make out a picture of a frog with large eyes, hidden in the chaos of the pattern. It looks… familiar.

Bc @okayshitbird ALSO had the wonderful idea of El and Max maybe possibly asking Heather for help in lifting a skateboard they may or may not have seen in the Lost and Found at the pool. And Heather definitely rolled her eyes, but she thinks Billy’s kid sister is funny so she did it for them for the low low price of a package of her favorite bubblegum. She’s nothing if not kind and generous.

But Billy remembers when he had to confiscate this. He shoots a skeptical look at the girls.

“Looks kinda… familiar. Where’d ya get it?”

“Oh uh… we may have had some help-” Max begins before-

“Heather!” El cuts in.

Max covers El’s mouth. “It doesn’t really matter where we got it, does it? But it’s yours now!” Max hurriedly grabs the board and places it down under the coffee table. “Alright, next gift.”

The next gift is in a paper bag with a little bow placed on the front. Billy pulls out the gift.

“A sweater?” Billy asks, looking to Hop and Joyce, who he assumes this is from.

“You need warm clothes.” Hop says flatly.

“Fine-”

“For the love of god, please don’t rip holes in it.”

“Fine.” Billy says with more attitude this time, putting the bag down and seeing something at the bottom of it. He looks in curiously to see a $20 bill folded up neatly. (keep in mind, back in0 1985 that’s like… $50 bucks by today’s standards.)

Billy shoots Hop a knowing look and Hop gives a nod and a little smile.

“Thanks pops.” Billy says with a little smile of his own, shoving the sweater back in the bag. He feels a little weird about pulling money out in front of everyone, so he doesn’t, but he wants him to know he appreciates it.

“Yeah yeah.” Hop nods and mumbles into the lip of his beer bottle.

The last gift on the table is the one Steve shoved at Billy.

“Best for last?” Billy mumbles a snarky little thing in Steve’s direction, revelling in the embarrassed look Steve gives.

“No no, it’s nothing.” Steve says nervously.

Except obviously that’s wrong. Bc obviously Steve 1. Is very rich and 2. Spoils Billy absolutely rotten (or at least…. As much as Billy allows for). And hell- the present is HEAVY. Like…… there’s definitely something in that box.

And Billy’s honestly irritated when he opens it. Bc goddamn it Steve…

“Do you like it?” Steve is wringing his hands.

It’s a portable stereo. Like… a brand new one. An expensive one. Billy doesn’t have one- he left his old stereo back in his old house, not wanting to carry anything he didn’t need in the move. When he listens to music he either forces Jonathan to let him use his player or he listens to records on the record player out in the living room or he just… sits in his car.

“Woah.” Jonathan mumbles, leaning in a little closer from his spot on the side chair to look at it.

Billy’s heart is fluttering.

“Billy?” Steve asks, voice obviously nervous but Billy’s a little caught up bc goddamnit. He’s… he hates being spoiled but this thing is sick and then Steve’s hand is reaching out for his knee and Billy kisses Steve’s cheek quickly and knocks his shoulder into him.

“Thanks, pretty boy.”

And Steve is blushing and so is Billy and Max is smirking and Jonathan notices Joyce is about to start cooing like she always does so he decides to save Billy from the embarrassment. Someone give him that “brother of the year” award already.

“Well open it, I wanna see.”

So Billy tears into the box, taking the stereo out and shit it’s nice. All metallic blue and steel and buttons and dials and shit it’s gonna sound so nice.

They cut into the cake (Billy refuses to let them all sing happy birthday to him, even though Max and El still do, as loud as possible, as Joyce cuts everyone a slice)(Billy tries to tickle them to get them to stop, but they just dodge him) and if Billy is feeling warmth in his chest, he’ll blame it on… heartburn or something.

It’s not too long after everyone is done with their cake that Joyce yawns, claiming herself tired. Jim nods, giving Billy the biggest bear hug possible- y’know, to really embarrass him- before heading to get ready for bed. He throws in a “Happy birthday son.” for good measure as well, to which Billy, with a strained voice as he’s being squished, says “S’not my birthday.”

El attacks Billy with a hug, Max right behind her and joining in.

“Happy birthday, you idiot.” Max mumbles. Billy pulls at her hair. Max swats at his arm before getting dragged off to El’s room to probably listen to music or read comic books or something before they crash for the night.

Billy’s the one who initiates a hug from Will, bc the sweet boy, bless him, is standing there so awkwardly, feet moving nervously with each other, mumbling a quiet “Happy birthday, Billy.” Billy doesn’t let that slide though, grabbing roughly onto his shoulder and pulling him into a tight hug, giving a gruff “Thanks, pipsqueak.” bc Billy doesn’t even try to hide it: Will is his favorite of the kids.

Joyce is still moving around the kitchen, putting plates away and refusing help from Steve, moving even after the plates are all put away, wiping at the counter like it needs to be cleaned even though it doesn’t, when Billy catches Jonathan’s eye.

Jonathan brings a hand up to his mouth, pretending to bite at his nail before his fingers move to look like he’s smoking. Billy nods, and Jonathan gives a little smile, turning to Steve and nodding at him. Steve, however, is oblivious. Bc Steve doesn’t know their weird little ~signals~ they give each other bc Billy and Jonathan always seem to be talking in some kind of code. They’re so weird w/ each other. No one understands them.

So Steve is confused.

“What?”

Jonathan rolls his eyes. Smoke. Jonathan mouths, but Steve’s eyebrows furrow.

“Smo-?”

Billy grabs Steve’s hand. “Get outside, moron.” Billy mumbles, pulling him towards the back of the house, where Jonathan is already lazily walking to.

“Oh, Billy! Can I uhm…” Joyce begins, obviously nervous. “Can I talk to you?”

Billy’s nervous now, too.

By the time she’s done digging through the drawer for whatever it is she’s looking for, Jonathan and Steve are already out on the back porch. She’s holding an envelope with a ribbon tied around it.

“I uhm… I know it doesn’t really matter as much… now that you’re 18 and all. But here’s my present to you.”

Billy eyes it curiously, taking gentle hold of the envelope, untying the ribbon, opening it up.

And thanks AGAIN to @okayshitbird for the idea bc-

“It’s the adoption papers. For my side. If you want!”

She’s so nervous but Billy’s only vaguely aware now bc… Bc his heart is dropping. She wants him to be her son. Like… for real.

She’s still rambling a bit, talking about how she doesn’t wanna force him and “you don’t have to” and “I just wanted to give you the option” and-

Billy throws the papers onto the counter to hug her. Bc goddamnit this comes with a lot of emotions. too many emotions but the good outweigh the bad and he’s a little overwhelmed and-

“Thank you.”

Joyce gives a strong hug back.

“No need to thank me, honey.”

And so she sends him a warm smile and a quiet “happy birthday” before heading to bed. Billy goes to tuck the papers back into the envelope. He places them in a safe spot in one of his drawers in his room.

When he gets outside, still a little shocked, Jonathan’s finished rolling the joint and is laughing easily with Steve.

“Finally.” Steve says, pouting a bit and reaching for Billy. “Jonathan’s been ribbing me this whole time.”

Jonathan shrugs lazily. “Somebody has to.”

“I get enough from him.” Steve says, pointing to Billy. “I get all I need from him.”

There’s some kind of insinuation in it that makes Jonathan gag.

“Please stop now. He’s my brother.” Jonathan pulls a face.

Billy’s mind is a little busy. Gets even busier at the word brother. The other boys notice.

“You alright, babe?” Steve asks quietly. Billy turns to Jonathan.

“You’re… you’re actually gonna be my brother, now.”

“Huh?”

“Joyce is adopting me.”

Jonathan’s silent, eyes getting wide. “Really?”

Billy nods. Steve breathes out a bit. Everyone understands the implication. Bc they know Billy now. They know how important this is for him. They know this is big.

They’re quiet for a second.

“Damn, does this mean I have to be nice to you?” Jonathan asks before the placing the joint in his mouth and lighting it. Billy laughs.

“If you are, I’ll send you to the psych ward.”

“No need.” Jonathan says, exhaling smoke and handing the joint to Billy. “They’d send me away for being too crazy.”

“That sure?” Billy asks before he inhales.

“Once I get to talking about the monsters that abducted my brother, yeah.”

Billy and Jonathan laugh. Steve has a bit of a harder time keeping up with how the tone shifted so quickly. He’s not sure he’ll ever understand these two.

They each take a couple of puffs on the joint in silence before Jonathan jumps to life again.

“Oh, go grab your fancy new stereo and put this in.”

He tosses a cassette in Billy’s direction. Billy has to unwrap his arm from around Steve’s shoulders quickly to catch it.

“Oh shit, Motley Crue’s new album? Sweet. I didn’t know you like them?” Billy’s in awe and Steve leans in to look at the track list.

“I don’t.” Jonathan chuckles a bit. “It’s for you, genius.”

Billy looks up in confusion. Jonathan rolls his eyes.

“Happy birthday.”

“Serious?”

“What? God forbid I buy you something?” Jonathan asks, standing up a bit to accept the joint from Steve. “Just get your stereo.”

Billy chuckles back a thanks.

And so they listen to the tape. Jonathan admits he was deciding between a few (Ratt, AC/DC, or this) but picked this tape bc he doesn’t hate the song “Smokin’ In The Boys Room”. Steve admits he thinks every song sounds like the last and gets a slap on the thigh from Billy, who huffs harshly on the joint at the words. Jonathan makes eye contact w/ Steve to let him know he agrees. Then Billy decides that the heavy guitar of “Save Our Souls” is too seductive and hot not to start making out with Steve, to which Jonathan makes a gagging noise and gets up.

“Gross.” He groans, standing up and burning the last of the joint out. “I’m heading to bed.”

Billy waves at Jonathan from where he’s locked onto Steve’s lips, but Steve pulls away to give a proper goodbye, his face red.

“Uh, g’night Jonathan!”

“Yeah, goodnight.” Billy mumbles into the skin of Steve’s neck.

Jonathan rolls his eyes, but Billy doesn’t see it.

“Just don’t fuck on the porch.” Jonathan says flatly before heading into the house and being careful to close the door quietly.

“You’re so embarrassing.” Steve chastises before pulling Billy back up to kiss him soundly.

They make out a little more, sitting just like that, listening to the music nice and clear on his new stereo.

“Did you have a nice birthday?” Steve asks quietly, rubbing Billy’s sides.

“Yeah… but I still think you’re all ridiculous.”

Steve laughs, leaning back in for another kiss.

#ask #kingsandsaints #harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #joyce byers #jonathan byers #will byers #eleven #el hopper #max mayfield #stranger things #jim hopper #hopper is a dad #and he's gonna embarrass billy until the day he dies #TELL ME he won't #fluff #billy's birthday #bc our boy still have birthdays #and doesn't understand how to be happy for himself #so his new family teaches him how #♥ ♥ ♥ #it's a very nice and fluffy thing tyvm #no i did NOT just post a very sad thing before this don't TALK about that #>w< #family

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[babygirlizz]

Movies and TV shows of 2019

Okay so a couple or few years ago I did a review of movies that had released that year because I was super into movies that year. I am still into movies, but I have been watching a lot more shows this year. So, I will be reviewing movies and tv shows. Furthermore, I will be including stuff released this year, that I found this year, or that has a new season this year. Basically just anything that I have loved this year. Also, I don’t feel like ranking, so no particular order. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD - if you see a title of something you have not seen, and don’t want spoilers, please feel free to skip that section. Also, some of these I haven’t seen in a hot minute so if I get a detail messed up, we won’t speak on it. And finally, trigger warning - if you have struggled with sexual assault and may have an issue reading about it, either skip this post entirely or skip over the review of “Unbelievable.”

MOVIES -

1. After

I have been waiting for this since middle school. I read the after books on wattpad because what teenager in love with harry styles didn’t. Now I will be real with y'all. The acting could use some work in specific scenes, and some of the actors aren't MY favorite picks for certain roles, but I’m not gonna hate on actors. Ok so, Tessa (Josephine Langford) is an incoming freshman in college and is rooming with an upperclassmen, Steph (Khadijha Red Thunder) who has a friend named Hardin (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin). Steph wants Tessa to branch out and do new things, so she invites her to a party, where they play the stereotypical games, and thats when Hardin is kind of dared to make Tessa fall in love with him. ALSO, Tessa has a high school boyfriend named Noah (Dylan Arnold). She starts seeing Hardin, her boyfriend finds out, she falls in love with Hardin, and finds out it was all a dare. Buuuuuuut, pLoT tWiSt he actually loves her.

2. Avengers: Endgame

Ok listen, Infinity War was heartbreaking bc Bucky duh, but y'all are really gonna take Tony (RDJ) and Steve (Chris Evans) away from me? Shut up. Still, this was a really good movie and I’m not just saying that because I’m a marvel hoe. FRICK Thanos and thats on Ant Man. Thats literally all I have to say.

3. Annabelle Comes Home

I am a whore for scary movies. I love them so much and this one was *chefs kiss*. I love Mckenna Grace, she's such a good young actress and she fits so well in scary moves. There’s not much to say about the plot in this one, and ya really need to see it. Also, Bob (Michael Cimino) is so heckin cute what the heck.

4. Let It Snow

Ok this is a lot to unpack so grab ya snacks. Let’s talk about couple number 1 (of 3), Tobin (Mitchell Hope) and Angie (Kiernan Shipka) who are best friends. Tobin is in love with Angie but doesn’t know how to tell her, and gets lots of unwanted encouragement from his best friend Keon (Jacob Batalon) who just wants to throw a heckin good party, is that too much to ask for? So Angie gets invited to a party by some cute guy, JP (M and Tobin is jealous but goes with her anyways and they steal a keg for Keon’s party and run from the scary hosts of the party and end up stranded in a church after his car spins out of control. They finally make it to the party and kiss on the roof with the waffle town sign shining bright behind them. NEXT - we have Julie (Isabela Merced) and Stuart (Shameik Moore). This is kind of really cliche with the whole “he’s-famous-she-doesn’t-care-he-finds-that-attractive-lets-fall-in-love” aspect, but its also hella cute uwu. They meet on a train and the train stops so they go eat at the waffle town and go sledding and do a bunch of cute coupley shit. His manager comes to get him and basically tells her that nothing will ever really happen between them and he leaves. Then, he shows up at the party and they fall in love. NEXT- we have Dorrie (Liv Hewson) who is a lesbian that constantly struggles with the gay panic. Her best friend Addie (Odeya Rush) doesn't help much either because she's having her own relationship problems. Dorrie works at Waffle Town and when she's working the girl she's talking to, Kerry (Anna Akana) comes in with her dance team, and she's not out of the closet. A bunch of shit goes down, but they end up together and Dorrie learns that she’s worth more than she thinks and that’s all that matters. Also, Billy (Miles Robbins) and Tin Foil Woman (Joan Cusack) make wonderful additions to this movie.

5. The King

First of all - Timothée Chalamet and Robert Pattinson in the same movie? Sign me the HECK up. But they’re also historical, frick yea. Not too much to say about this movie other than it’s good. Super graphic (don’t watch if you don’t like decapitation lol) and super long, but good nonetheless.

6. Falling Inn Love

This movie is super freaking cute. Gabriela (Christina Milian) decides that she needs a change and enters a contest to win an Inn in New Zealand. She wins the Inn and is shocked when she realizes the Inn needs a LOT of work. She goes around town to get stuff to fix up the Inn and constantly runs into Jake (Adam Demos) and they have this flirty but we don’t like each other relationship, but then ya know, they fall in(n) love. 

SHOWS -

1. The Society

I could talk about this show for hours, literally. I love it so much it’s insane. Ok, so lets start from the beginning. A town called West Ham is being plagued by a disgusting smell. Due to this, the town decides to send busloads of teenagers to the mountains while they try and resolve the smell situation. All of the teenagers fall asleep on the bus and wake up to the announcement that they had to go back home due to road blocks. When they get off the buses, its late and no one is there to pick them up. They think that it may just be a sense of miscommunication, so they head home, only to find that none of their families are there, and they can’t get ahold of any of them over the phone. They finally decide to investigate and find that all exits out of town are completely blocked off. They then decide to find a way to survive without their families. This causes a lot of tension within the town including the death of a main character. This shows also includes gay representation!!!! This is my favorite couple, Sam (Sean Birdy) and Grizz (Jack Mulhern). Sam is deaf and gay and his brother, Campbell (Toby Wallace), makes fun of him for both reasons, and when the whole issue with the town happens, he believes he will never find love because he doesn’t think anyone else is gay, until Grizz comes along, and tries to learn ASL and loves him for him.

2. Roswell New Mexico

Alright, to be completely honest, I did not want to watch this. I have no idea why I just didn’t. I saw an edit on like instagram or something of the couples in the show and I was like, alright I can give it a chance. And spoiler alert I loved it. The series starts off with Liz Ortecho (Jeanine Mason) comes back to her hometown of Roswell around the time of her the anniversary of her sister, Rosa’s (Amber Midthunder), death. She gets pulled over on her way in and the officer that pulled her over was Max Evans (Nathan Parsons), who has had a crush on her since they first met, and just so happens to be an alien. After Liz gets shot in her families restaurant, Max uses his healing powers to save her, but leaves behind a hand print on her that makes her suspicious. She continues to investigate until he tells her the truth. She also finds out that her sister was actually murdered, and has the same hand print on her that she did when Max healed her. Turns out, his sister, Isobel (Lily Cowels) killed her, but it was actually another alien possessing her (which they didn’t know was possible when she killed her). When they landed on earth they also landed with their “brother” Michael (Michael Vlamis) who starts off the series with an on and off relationship with Alex (Tyler Blackburn) and I love them together. Alex is the son of one of the guys trying to find and take down the aliens and he also went to war and lost his leg. Anyways, towards the end of the season Alex starts seeing Maria (Heather Hemmens), which is a couple I don’t really like, but also bi representation is good! Anyways I don’t really wanna spoil this one too much I just love it a lot.

3. Elite

This is a show that came out in 2018, but they released a second season this year. All I’m saying is please watch the original version, not the dubbed over version. Elite is a spanish show about a few students that get a scholarship to the private school after their school gets demolished. This shows is in the fashion of present and past which includes a lot of flashbacks leading up to the the murder of one of the students. My favorite part of this show is the relationship between Ander (Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). Ander is the son of the head of the school and Omar is the brother of one of the students that got a scholarship. Not only are they of different socioeconomic status’, but Omar is also Muslim, and his family would not approve of him being gay. He finally finds the courage to tell his family, but thats not until season 2. Also, his sister Nadia (Mina El Hammani) falls in love with the “bad boy” of the school, Guzmán (Miguel Bernardeau) and starts going against her parents wishes as well.

4. The Umbrella Academy 

Y’all mind if I confuse y'all real quick. So, a bunch of women all of the sudden give birth out of nowhere at the same time even tho none of them were pregnant? Yea I know weird. Anyways, so this dude tries to adopt as many of them as possible and ends up adopting like 7. They all have powers and they try and stop the apocalypse. That’s literally all I can tell y'all. 

5. Unbelievable

I swear I didn’t mean to get y’all upset right now. This show made me angry and sad and so many other feelings all at once. So the show beings with a girl named Marie (Kaitlyn Dever) getting raped in her home. When she reports it, they can’t find any evidence, as he cleaned the apartment and made her shower. This mixed with the fact that she struggles remembering parts of her experience (which is common with sexual assault), the police don’t believe her and force her to retract her statement. This in itself is awful, but they also charge her with false statement, which adds on to the fact that people already believe that she is a liar. Years later, two female detectives, Karen and Grace, piece together rapes in their precincts and once they find the rapist, they find Marie’s picture in with his belongings, proving that she was telling the truth the entire time.

6. Sailor Moon

I just got into anime and all I have to say is that I love this. That is all.

#after #avengers: endgame #annabelle comes home #let it snow #the king #falling inn love #the society #roswell new mexico #elite #the umbrella academy #unbelievable #sailor moon #hardin scott #tessa young #harry styles #captain america #tony stark #steve rogers #iron man #annabelle #timothee chalamet #robert pattinson #grizzam #grizz and sam #alex and michael #malex #max and liz #ander and omar #usagi tsukino #movies

[queen-scribbles]

13, 14 and 15 for all detectives and routes from the Wayhaven Routes Questions, please!

Mallory

13. Did your detective save A or Sanja? Why do you think they do so? And how are they feeling about the aftermath? (Sanja dying, A getting hurt, both being fine in the end)

Mallory saved Sanja. It was a harder choice than she expected it to be, given that Sanja was their mission and she would technically count as a non-combatant, so her protection would be priority even without the maa-alused treaty in the picture(my girl is nothing if not a protector). But Mallory started flashing back to Murphy jamming a dagger in Adam’s ribs the second she saw him in trouble, so she did actually hesitate the barest fraction of a second(we are not going to talk about the “You need to let go” parallels between here and after the Murphy fight in book one. my heart). That fight and him being so hurt are what finally started her denial of her feelings crumbling into absolute dust... (also gave her big-time PTSD flashbacks, so that was really fun) 

14. If your detective did save Sanja, how do they feel about the famous “Tu Omnia”? If they saved A, how are they feeling about them saying that they are glad that they thought of them first? (But, of course, they say they mustn’t feel this way)

...And then hurt, drugged-up Adam admits he’s glad he didn’t have to choose between her and Sanja(implying he’s not sure he would have Made The Right Call) and her heart just about stopped for a minute, before we even get to the Tu Omnia. Which. Oh man. OH MAN. Mallory walked out of that room with her hands shaking and had to lean against the closed door for a minute to get her emotions under control or there were about three different directions of breakdown she might’ve gone. As someone who mutters under her breath in Hebrew a lot when she doesn’t want other people to know what she’s saying, she has a pretty good guess why Adam went to Latin for that (not-so)little confession (too bad for him she knows Latin :3), which is why she doesn’t ever bring it up. (Well, that and me loving the idea of Adam not knowing she understood him until he sees her Latin tattoo and Panicking)

15. What is your detective’s relationship with Rebecca like? If they saw the conversation that she has with A before the end of Book 2, what would they think?

Mallory and Rebecca had a pretty good relationship. They’re not as close as AJ or Janine are to their Rebeccas, but they’re definitely on good terms. I guess it’s more... professional? for Mallory and Rebecca until the beginning of Book 2, when Rebecca says she doesn’t regret the consequences for giving Unit Bravo the DMB to help rescue Mallory. Mallory knows how much her mother loves her job, so that she was willing to risk it for her is when they start moving toward being actual mother-daughter close.

If she’d overheard that conversation.... well, first of all, it would make her smile to hear Rebecca’s proud of her. The rest of it would leave a hollow ache in her chest that she not sure if it’s due to Adam’s denying Rebecca has anything to worry about or how much he struggled with it after Rebecca’s clarification she was asking as a mother. 

AJ

13. Did your detective save N or Sanja? Why do you think they do so? And how are they feeling about the aftermath? (Sanja dying, N getting hurt, both being fine in the end) Do they regret their decision?

She saved Sanja. Sanja was the one they were there to save, and Nate told her not to worry about him. Didn’t make it easy, by any stretch, and she panicked just a tad when she saw how badly he was hurt as a result. But she didn’t regret it, and she knew Nate wouldn’t either, even before he said as much. 

14. What do you think drew your detective to N? And when exactly was the moment, where it was “yes, I like them” (If they’ve admitted that to themselves, of course) And if not, what’s stopping them at this point?

Answered!

15.  What is your detective’s relationship with Rebecca like? If they saw the conversation that she has with N before the end of Book 2, what would they think?

AJ has a really great relationship with Rebecca. They talk whenever they get the chance and she always looks forward to the occasions Rebecca manages to visit.  If she’d seen the conversation between Nate and Rebecca at the end of book 2, she first reaction would’ve been indignation that Rebecca could even think Nate would ever hurt her(come on, that’s ridiculous. Right?), followed by near melting into a puddle at his response. 

Janine

13. Did your detective save F or Sanja? Why do you think they do so? And how are they feeling about the aftermath? (Sanja dying, F getting hurt, both being fine in the end) Do they regret their decision?

Sanja, but oh my god, it was so much harder for her than anyone else.Even if saving Sanja was the reason they were there, she had to force herself to do it instead of saving Felix. And then he got hurt so bad and Janine was an absolute wreck until the doctor assured them he’d be okay. Absolutely cuddled and was Big Spoon bc her protective instincts were in overdrive.She doesn’t regret saving Sanja, but she does regret that Felix got hurt, even if he is a vampire with healing abilities and was fine by morning.

14. What do you think drew your detective to F? And when exactly was the moment, where it was “yes, I like them” (If they’ve admitted that to themselves, of course) And if not, what’s stopping them at this point?

Definitely how joyful he is, and how heart-on-sleeve, no holds barred, infectiously open he is about it. He’s fun to spend time with, makes her smile(and trip over her words, which is no mean feat), and never holds back from complimenting people he cares about(She gets a lot of that, but there’s also the super casual, “Oh yeah, Nate knows, like all the languages” type ones, where even if he’s teasing in the process, he’s still complimenting someone from UB). She knew she liked him by the whole vampire reveal in book 1, was about 60% sure she was in love by the unicorn necklace, 80% by time they actually started dating, and is 98% sure she’s in love by the end of book 2.

15.  What is your detective’s relationship with Rebecca like? If they saw the conversation that she has with F before the end of Book 2, what would they think? 

Very close(all my girls love their mama. If I had to rank it though, it’s AJ->Janine->Mallory->Kasey), mostly through effort on Janine’s part thanks to how busy Rebecca is. She’ll call and leave a message if Rebecca can’t talk, just “Hey, Mum, wanted to say hi [insert something about her day] and let you know I love you.” type things.That conversation? Ohgod. You want her reaction before or after she melted into a Detective-shaped puddle at “When we kiss she doesn’t break. She smiles.”? XD That was... that was adorable and she’d be walking around grinning the entire rest of the night, not even remembering anything else she overheard.

Kasey

13. Did your detective save M or Sanja? Why do you think they do so? And how are they feeling about the aftermath? (Sanja dying, M getting hurt, both being fine in the end) Do they regret their decision?

Sanja, again. (look I love her. And the vamps all have healing, it’s fine. Bonus: juicy, juicy ANGST) Mason said not to worry about him, and Sanja was clearly in big trouble, being restrained and all. Even if Mason wasn’t exactly in a good position, at least he could fight back. Sanja couldn’t. Afterward there’s this weird twisty feeling almost like guilt that she hides under sarcasm and giving him shit(teasing him by kissing just the corner of his mouth)

14. What do you think drew your detective to M? And when exactly was the moment, where it was “yes, I like them” (If they’ve admitted that to themselves, of course) And if not, what’s stopping them at this point?

Well, he’s hot. And there’s the innuendo-laden flirting that had her all CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. And we can’t forget the Cherry Conversation in her canon run that had her very 

She has not admitted to herself she likes him for reasons beyond physical attraction, competitive flirting, and great sex, bc admitting that will mean letting herself be vulnerable in ways that make her uncomfortable to think about. (She doesn’t realize that yet; she’s sorta doing the same thing he is right now, the whole “man, you’re hot and great in bed, that’s totally all there is to it, there’s no deeper reason I’m drawn to you, none at all :D”)

15.  What is your detective’s relationship with Rebecca like? If they saw the conversation that she has with M before the end of Book 2, what would they think?

She’s on okay terms with Rebecca. They’re not super close, but they get along and she’ll hug her when she sees her.

If she’d overheard that conversation, her first thought would probably have been along the lines of “Damn straight I’m not sorry” bc she’d be thinking just in reference to the flirting/sex and she’s enjoyed both of those things immensely. Then she’d maybe think about Rebecca’s tone and wonder for juuuust a second if there was a deeper meaning before brushing it off.

Wayhaven Route Asks

#orime-stories #wayhaven asks #abigail jenings #mallory denney #janine elder #kasey valentine

[dcmvns]

bill skarsgård. cismale. he/him.  ／  damon stenström just pulled up blasting real life by the weeknd— that song is so them! you know, for a twenty-seven year old ceo, i’ve heard they’re really -narcissistic, but that they make up for it by being so +savvy. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say a freshly-engraved solid gold desk plate, gaunt cheekbones and cold eyes, a tailor-fitted name brand suit worn only once. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble!

hello angels ! it me, lainie, coming @ u with another one of my babies about whomst u can find some backstory below and other such Necessary Info for plotting:

trigger warnings: death, suicide, murder mention, drug use

damon was born a first and only child in stockholm, sweden, to an extremely wealthy family, his father being the ceo of an internationally-successful energy supply company that had been taken over from his father. growing up, damon was always vaguely aware that he was supposed to be next in line when his father retired, but as a kid it never interested him much and not only was it rare to catch him asking his father questions about the business, it was more or less infrequent that they were caught spending time together at all. he was an independent and highly entitled child, soft only for his mother who spoiled him rotten.

he was 12 years old when the company expanded to north america and damon’s father decided to move them to manhattan. it was supposed to be the company’s new headquarters and on top of that, damon’s paternal uncle was already living there. and while his dad and his uncle got along decently well ( as far as anyone was aware, at least ), damon himself did not. it had always been bad blood ( the reason for which being damon’s birthright, though he didn’t figure this out until he was older ), but living in the same city now managed to exacerbate things. that on top of his tendency toward rebellion led to a highly unstable lifestyle. damon’s mother usually defended his adolescent outbursts and ceaselessly stood up for him even when it meant spending absurd amounts of money to cover up embarrassing stories from leaking to the press. damon spent his high school years partying, doing drugs, and finding his way from one bed to the next, and his family paid through the wallet.

suicide tw // it was at 19, however, that things changed. far sooner than he’d expected, his father pulled him aside one day to talk to him about the future of the company and damon’s role in it. distant they’d always been, but his father was adamant his son be the one to take over one day. it wasn’t this rare show of emotion, however, that won damon over–it was the idea of the alternative his father put in his head: namely, his uncle taking the reigns instead. the timing of all this certainly struck damon as odd but he couldn’t figure out why until a week later, when his father was found dead in his bedroom with a bullet in his head.

suicide tw // there was no note, and before damon could blink his uncle had pointed a convincing finger and he was being carted off to a cell on suspicion of murder. the fact that his father had just a week ago gotten him to decide he wanted to take over the family business didn’t look good, but after 72 hours he was released when it was officially ruled a suicide. there was no substantial evidence to make a case, yet that didn’t stop damon’s uncle from making his views on the subject perfectly clear. in spite of that and in spite of the public talk over whether or not he really had killed his father and gotten away with it now as head of the company, damon stepped into his position as ceo just before his 20th birthday.

he knew next to nothing and relied solely on his quick logic and ability to intimidate much older inferiors into taking him seriously to get through the first six months to a year, after which he truly began to settle into his job. behind the scenes he’s still prone to getting up to his rich kid bullshit, but he keeps a relatively squeaky clean image for the public.

he’s 27 now, so he’s been at it about 7 years and has a thoroughly tight grip on the reigns at this point. at least he thinks he does. there’s plenty of dirty dealings that keep the company running which hadn’t been in place when his father was in charge, but he’s successfully kept all of that a secret.

as far as his personality goes, he’s your typical detached, entitled trust fund baby handed the world on a silver platter as well as a job as ceo of a multinational company. he’s got a bit of a god complex but is more than capable of coming off as charming when he needs to be. has a little bit of a swedish accent, particularly when he’s worked up and yelling. uses and abuses his six foot five stature and resting death glare to get what he wants.

still wildly fucked up about his dad, but will not under any circumstances talk about it except to reiterate that he did not, in fact, kill him. is a 10000% mama’s boy but that’s……..not something he shows the public either yeugdhusjs

if he was FORCED to put a label on his sexuality it would be pansexual but he rly hates the idea of putting something like that in a box. he just........sleeps with whoever catches his eye BUT he’s also careful about not letting any of his Escapades become public so he’s also relatively choosy about it unless he’s whacked out of his mind on drugs

i literally edited this and it’s still a rambly mess but i’ll tell u what!!!!!!!! it is what it is and im washing my hands of this come hmu if u wanna plot or like this and i will appear in ur dms at some point !!! also plot ideas below

wanted connections

someone with whom he’s done DIRTY DEALINGS for his company!!!! could be someone else who runs a company or just someone who might have had something he needed (eg connections)

the above but with the added Spice of blackmail

one or two people he’s actually close with!!!! 

a pr relationship / any kind of pr stuff tbh he’s always trying to do things that’ll help his image given how shaky it’s always been bc of the way he started out

an ex or two who definitely ended on bad terms, either him breaking up with them bc he’s him and got bored or they broke up w him bc he’s......him ateyrgjdhsa

endless hookups and one night stands and endless possibilities for angst 

people he’s hardcore led on who probably despise him now

SOMEONE who’s like a little brother/sister to him??? that he’s very protective over and soft for and like....they’re one of the only people who can talk sense into him when he’s being Too Insane

please just all kinds of enemies he’s so Cold it’s so easy to hate him

uhhhHHHHH people who remember the scandal about his dad and think he’s guilty !!!

#excessintro #me? writing a coherent intro? its less likely than u think #smoking tw #for thee gif

[dreamersscape]

The Raven Cycle: A Liveblog (Part 4)

(Let’s just pretend the gap since my last installment was a much shorter and more reasonable period of time than it has actually been, shall we? I tried to make up for it with the length of this edition. Suuuuuper long post under the cut.)

Me, reading TDT’s opening quotations: Okay, yes, good. Taking things out of your dreams into the waking world. Got it.

Me, reading the last quote: ‘I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.’?

YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING OF MY PEOPLE, AUSTIN STRINDBERG. GET THEE HENCE.

‘He always returned with gifts, treasure, and unimaginable amounts of money, but to Ronan, the most wondrous thing was Niall himself. Every parting felt like it would be the last, and so every return was like a miracle.’ RONANNNNNNN. (Is it weird that it feels like Ronan is supposed to be my favorite bc he seems closest to my type and goodness knows I can relate to the grieving-a-father feels, but that’s not really the case so far? I love him dearly, but it feels like I should love him more. Weird? Not weird? I dunno.)

*carefully takes notes about the alleged details of Ronan’s birth because I know now every minor detail is actually Very Important*

‘Theoretically, Blue Sargent was probably going to kill one of these boys.’ Oh, good, it’s only a theoretical death. Glad we got that sorted out. Guess I can stop worrying about it now, right? :P

'Adam’s hand glided over her bare elbow. The touch was a whisper in a language she didn’t speak very well.’ I really like this line! Also, somewhat sadly, relateable.

'It had five tiny white buttons: four arranged in a cross shape, and one off by itself. To Blue, that fifth button was like Adam. Still working toward the same purpose as the other four. But no longer quite as close as the others.’ Oh, so we’re going to make my heart hurt over Adam Parrish in the first ten pages of the book. Fine.

'In that moment, Blue was a little in love with all of them. Their magic. Their quest. Their awfulness and strangeness. Her raven boys.’ Aw, those lines sound familiar. ;) And we’re all right there with ya, Blue.

'The dorms were emptier than they would’ve been during school term, but they were not empty.’ Whoops unrelated-to-TRC-but-nevertheless-on-brand feels ahoy.

So it’s been long enough since I read TRB that I can’t recall if I had any particular feelings about Declan then, but definitely feeling pretty sympathetic towards him now, what with his father’s seeming dismissive attitude toward him and the assault from this Gray Man. Also, have I read the word Greywaren before? Not sure.

Oh. So Ronan is the Greywaren, then. Guess that answers that.

’Mom is nothing without him’? Woooow, Declan. Wow. A bit less sympathy, now. (Maybe there’s something about their mother I don’t know yet, but still…)

’Creature was a good word for him, Ronan thought.’ Oof. He’s gonna make me eat my words, isn’t he? I already said I love you dearly, Ronan!

And now he’s gonna divert himself from his unpleasant thoughts with an external distraction. Oh good. That doesn’t mirror any of my other favorite characters at all.

'Back then, it had surprised Ronan; he hadn’t realized yet that Gansey could persuade even the sun to pause and give him the time.’ [drags a hand slowly down my face] Don’t do this to me, Maggie. Haven’t you already put me through enough with Adam and Gansey?

'His thoughtless expression was one of wonder or of pain; with Gansey they were so often the same thing.’ Well that–that’s a sentence.

’“Ronan, there’s no reason for that,” Gansey said sternly, as if Ronan had hurled a toy on the floor.’ Gonna start listing all the mom-friend!Gansey moments, 'cause I gotta.

'He laughed enough that Chainsaw abandoned her paper shredding to verify he wasn’t dying.’ This is cute, other than the implication that Ronan genuinely laughing is a all-too-rare occurrence.

’“So what you’re saying is you can’t explain it.” “I did explain it.” “No, you used nouns and verbs together in a pleasing but illogical format.”’ Hee!

I half expect tired-of-potential-and-only-being-useful-needing-something-more!Blue to break out singing ’I want much more than this provincial life/I want adventure in the great wide somewhere/I want it more than I can tell’ and I don’t say that at all in a disparaging way, that’s just what it made me think of. It’s a very understandable desire on Blue’s part.

’“Jane!” Gansey said joyfully.’ I will never tire of this. :)

'When she returned, she leaned on the table beside Adam, who touched her wrist. She didn’t know what to do in response. Touch it back? The moment had passed. She resented her body for not giving her the correct answer.’ So! Freaking! Relateable!

'Kavinsky headed directly to the large table in the back, and the postures of the other boys all changed drastically….Gansey stood, leaning against the table, and there was something threatening rather than respectful about it.’ I live a protective!Gansey appreciation life.

The Gray Man is quite a character.

Ummmm so chapter eight just hurt my soul a whole lot? Here’s a list of the culprits:

'He’d spent just two hours at the easiest of the jobs — Boyd’s Body & Paint, LLC, replacing brake pads and changing oil and finding what was making that squeaking noise there, no, there — and now, even though he was off, he was ruined for anything else. Sticky and sore and, above all else, tired, always tired.’

'The only rub was, Blue was another troubling thing. She was like Gansey in that she wanted him to explain himself. What do you want, Adam? What do you need, Adam? Want and need were words that got eaten smaller and smaller: freedom, autonomy, a perennial bank balance, a stainless-steel condo in a dustless city, a silky black car, to make out with Blue, eight hours of sleep, a cell phone, a bed, to kiss Blue just once, a blister-less heel, bacon for breakfast, to hold Blue’s hand, one hour of sleep, toilet paper, deodorant, a soda, a minute to close his eyes. What do you want, Adam? To feel awake when my eyes are open.’ (This hurt less than the 'to go home, to go home, to go home’ passage, but ONLY JUST.)

'He’d already seen the ignored, unopened envelope emblazoned with Aglionby Academy’s raven crest. For two days he’d been stepping over it, as if it might disappear if he failed to acknowledge it.’ (Ah, hello avoidant coping skills, my old friend.)

’[Adam] ached inside.’/'He still ached.’/'his spine aching, shoulders aching, soul aching’

'They stared at each other, both hurt.’/'He tried not to let it sound like he was still hurt, but he was, and it did.’/'She tried not to let it sound like she was hurt, but she was, and it did.’

’What do you want, Adam? He didn’t even know.’ (T.T)

'His wide eyes and gaunt face peered back at him, troubled but not unusual.’

I’m so done, he thought. No more. Please, I can’t take any more.’ (SAME.)

'The difference in tuition between this year’s and next was twenty-four hundred dollars. That number again. It couldn’t be a coincidence.’ (SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE GANSEY/ADAM TENSION/CONFLICT/FIGHTING. WHEN DO WE GET TO THE GETTING BETTER PART?)

'They couldn’t hurt Gansey. Nothing could hurt him; people who said money couldn’t buy everything hadn’t seen anyone as rich as the Aglionby boys. They were untouchable, immune to life’s troubles. Only death couldn’t be swiped away by a credit card.’ (Oh Adam honey, you don’t even knooooow. :()

Adam! Some people show and feel love through acts of service! It’s not an inherently bad thing! Concern and the desire to help are not the same thing as pity!

Also, Blue’s “Then don’t be pitiful!” response was kinda strange, even for an impulsively perturbed remark? Just felt weird.

'She was looking at the box that served as his nightstand. Somehow it had moved several feet away from the bed. The side was badly dented, its former contents scattered violently across the floor. Only now did he remember the act of kicking the box, but not the decision to kick it.’ (Crap.)

'He calmed enough to remember that if he waited long enough, carefully analyzing how it felt, the emotion would lose its inertia. It was the same as physical pain. The more he tried to mentally decide what made pain hurt, the less his brain seemed able to remember the pain at all.’

'He’d never escape, not really. Too much monster blood in him. He’d left the den, but his breeding betrayed him. And he knew why he was pitiful. It wasn’t because he had to pay for his school or because he had to work for a living. It was because he was trying to be something he could never be. The sham was pitiful.’

'Some nights he lured himself to sleep by imagining how he would word the favor for Glendower. He needed to get the words exactly right. Now he rolled phrases around his mouth, desperately reaching for one that would comfort him. Ordinarily, words would tumble and lull through his mind, but this time, all he could think was Fix me.’ (On a related note, I’m dead.)

'He had a strange, disconcerting feeling that he couldn’t trust his senses. Like he was tasting an image or smelling a feeling or touching a sound. It was the same as just a few minutes before, the idea that he’d glimpsed a slightly wrong reflection of himself. Adam’s previous worries vanished, replaced with a more immediate concern for this ragged body he was carting around in. He’d been hit so many times. He’d already lost his hearing in his left ear. Maybe something else had been destroyed on one of those tense, wretched nights.’ (*Spontaneously revives to continue worrying myself to death over Adam Parrish* WHY CAN’T I TAKE CARE OF HIM?)

'Ronan, Noah, and Gansey were at the Dollar City in Henrietta, loitering. Theoretically, they were there for batteries. Practically, they were there because both Blue and Adam had work, Ronan’s shapeless anger always got worse at night, and Dollar City was one of the few stores in Henrietta that allowed pets.’ These stupid codependent teens.

“Hello? Oh, hey,” Gansey said to the phone, touching a notebook with a handgun printed on the cover. The oh, hey was accompanied by a definite change in the timbre of his voice. That meant it was Adam’ [tries to feel the joy I deserve at this past my intense anxiety about the probable clashing over the tuition thing]

'Ronan rested his forehead on the topmost shelf. The metal edge snarled against his skull, but he didn’t move. At night, the longing for home was ceaseless and omniscient, an airborne contaminant. He saw it in Dollar City’s cheap oven mitts — that was his mother at dinnertime. He heard it in the slam of the cash register drawer — that was his father coming home at midnight. He smelled it in the sudden whiff of air freshener — that was the family trips to New York. Home was so close at night. He could be there in twenty minutes. He wanted to smash everything off these shelves.’ He and Adam both want to go hoooome and I wish I could provide that for them and turns out I am actually Gansey.

'“Glitter,” whispered Noah reverentially, giving it a shake.’ Truly Noah is their light in the darkness. I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHH.

'Farther down the aisle, Gansey suggested to the phone, “You could come stay at Monmouth. For the night.”’ Like I said. Also, I really, really wish I could hear both sides of this phone conversation.

'Sometimes Ronan thought Adam was so used to the right way being painful that he doubted any path that didn’t come with agony.’ I mean, fair. And heartbreaking.

'Gansey’s back was turned to them. “Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ramirez? I didn’t talk to anyone at the church. Yes, twenty-four hundred dollars. I know that part. I —”’ Oh no. It’s happening.

'But one of the marvelous things about being Ronan Lynch was that no one ever expected him to do anything nice for anyone.’ I would hug you Ronan, except there is now more Adam 'n’ Gansey friction and I’m really bad at handling it!

'Abruptly, Ronan’s entire body went cold. Not a little chilly, but utterly cold. The sort of cold that dries the mouth and slows the blood. His toes went numb, and then his fingers….Then Noah reappeared in a violent sputter, like the power crackling back on. His fingers clutched Ronan’s arm. Cold seeped from the point of contact as Noah dragged heat to become visible.’ Oh, so Noah can do that with Ronan too? Because of his greywaren-ness?

'“I lost …” Noah struggled for words. “There wasn’t air. It went away. The — the line!” “The ley line?” Gansey asked. Noah nodded once, a sloppy thing that was sort of a shrug at the same time. “There was nothing … left for me.”’ Not allowed. Just saying.

'He didn’t say, Or maybe something terrible happened to Adam that day he sacrificed himself in Cabeswater. Maybe he’s messed up all of Henrietta by waking up the ley line. Because they couldn’t talk about that. Just like they couldn’t talk about Adam stealing the Camaro that night. Or about him basically doing everything Gansey had asked him not to. If Adam was stupid about his pride, Gansey was stupid about Adam.’ Yes, we know. :)

'From Ronan’s room, he heard Noah’s laugh. He and Ronan were throwing various objects from the second-story window to the parking lot below. There was a terrific crash.’ Having witnessed my younger brother doing basically the same thing once, I can vouch for the authenticity of this teenage-boy activity.

'Once, he had dreamt that he found Glendower. It wasn’t the actual finding, but the day after. He wouldn’t forget the sensation of the dream. It hadn’t been joy, but instead, the absence of pain. He couldn’t forget that lightness. The freedom.’ Yeah, don’t we all dream about the absence of pain. *buries face in hands* OH GANSEY BOY.

’“Do you want me to talk to her?” This was something he definitely, 100 percent felt certain in his guts that he had no interest in doing. “I’m really bad at talking, Gansey,” Adam said earnestly. “And you’re really good at it. Maybe — maybe if it just comes up natural?” Gansey’s shoulders collapsed; his breath fogged the glass and vanished. “Of course.” “Thanks.” Adam paused. “I just want something to be simple.” So do I, Adam. So do I.’ This right here? This A Whoooole Lot. Is there anything you wouldn’t do for Adam if he asked, Gansey?

'Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, “He threw me out the window!” Ronan’s voice sang out from behind his closed door: “You’re already dead!”’ OH. MY. GOODNESS.

’"You should come over.” “Not tonight,” replied Adam. I’m losing him, Gansey thought. I’m losing him to Cabeswater. He had thought that by staying away from the forest, he’d keep the old Adam — put off the consequences of whatever had happened that night when everything started to go awry. But maybe it just didn’t matter. Cabeswater would take him regardless.’ I dream of the absence of pain!!!

'His skin shivered and crawled, and he realized it was crawling with hornets, the ones that had killed Gansey all those years ago. There weren’t many this time, only a few hundred. Sometimes he dreamt cars full of them, houses full of them, worlds full of them. Sometimes these hornets killed Ronan, too, in his dreams.’ Oh, Ronan.

’Arbores loqui latine. The trees speak Latin. “You’ve done this before,” she said. Time was a circle, a rut, a worn tape Ronan never tired of playing.’ Huh. Has Ronan been dreaming of Cabeswater for years and years?

'Curled on the mattress, [Adam] covered his face with his summer-hot arm. Sometimes, if he blocked his mouth and nose, just this side of suffocation, sleep would overthrow him.’ THAT DOESN’T SOUND HEALTHY, MY BOY. :(

'He was awake enough to think of the invitation from Gansey. There might be an internship in there. Adam knew it was a favor. Did that make it wrong? He’d said no for so long that he didn’t know when to say yes….He hated the careful way Gansey had asked him about it. Tiptoeing, just like Adam had learned to tiptoe around his father. He needed a reset button. Just push the reset button on Adam Parrish and start him again.’ I am sad. (But maaaaybe he’s starting to reconsider the idea that he can never accept hep of any kind?)

'After he had exhausted this line of thought, Ronan gave in to the brief privilege of hating himself, as he always did in church. There was something satisfying about acknowledging this hatred, something relieving about this little present he allowed himself each Sunday.’ Oh, Ronan.

'“Hey, pal,” Matthew whispered. He was the only person who could get away with calling Ronan pal.’ Awww. :)

'Matthew Lynch was a bear of a boy, square and solid and earnest. His head was covered with soft, golden curls completely unlike any of his other family members. And in his case, the perfect Lynch teeth were framed by an easy, dimpled smile. He had two brands of smile: the one that was preceded by a shy dip of his chin, a dimple, and then BAM, smile. And the one that teased for a moment before BAM, an infectious laugh. Females of all ages called him adorable. Males of all ages called him buddy. Matthew failed at many more things than either of his older brothers, but unlike Declan or Ronan, he always tried his hardest.’ Whoops, I’m attached.

'Ronan had dreamt one thousand nightmares about something happening to him.’ *rubs heart*

'A lady reached over the top of Noah to pat Matthew’s head fondly before continuing down the aisle. She didn’t seem to care that he was fifteen, which was all right, because he didn’t, either. Both Ronan and Declan observed this interaction with the pleased expressions of parents watching their prodigy at work.’ Once again: Awww. :)

'Blue very much liked having the boys over to her house. Their presence at the house was agreeable for several different reasons….And the third reason was that it suggested permanence. Blue had acquaintances at school, people she liked. But they weren’t forever. While she was friendly with a lot of them, there was no one that she wanted to commit to for a lifetime. And she knew this was her fault. She’d never been any good at having casual friends. For Blue, there was family — which had never been about blood relation at 300 Fox Way — and then there was everyone else. When the boys came to her house, they stopped being everyone else.’ THEY’RE FAMILY NOW. <3

'Crossly, Blue realized that Gansey had now called her Jane so often that it felt strange to hear him say her real name.’ Embrace it, Blue. Embraaace it. :D

'He hid the insatiable wanting well, but now that she’d seen it once, she couldn’t stop seeing it. But he wouldn’t be able to explain it to Maura. And he would never really have to explain it to Blue. It was his something more.’ Awww. :)

(Sorry this liveblog is devolving mostly into either EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE or But this is cute! and if that is starting to become boring…)

’"What did they die of?” “Mom always said ‘meddling.’ Gansey completely forgot they were being secretive and let out a tremendous laugh. It was a powerful thing, that laugh. He only did it once, but his eyes remained shaped like it. Something inside her did a complicated tug. Oh no! she thought. But then she calmed herself. Richard C. Gansey III has a nice mouth. Now I know he has nice eyes when he laughs, too. This still isn’t love. She also thought: Adam. Remember Adam.’ 1.) I hope this line of rationalization works out for you, Blue. ;) 2.) I am still feeling torn, though. Blue and Adam are cute together. 3.) I’d be okay with a Blue-Gansey-Adam OT3 though.

'Maura frowned. In a low voice, she said, “I think I need to have a conversation with that boy.” “Someone does,” Calla replied, heading up the stairs. Each stair groaned a protest for which she punished the next with a stomp. “Not me. I’ve outgrown train wrecks.” Blue, alarmed, said, “Is he a train wreck?”| Her mother clucked her tongue. “Calla likes drama. Train wreck! When a train takes a long time to go off the tracks, I don’t like to call it a wreck. I like to call it a derailment.”  From upstairs, Blue heard Calla’s delighted cackle. “I hate both of you,” Blue said as her mother laughed and galloped up the stairs to join Calla. “You’re supposed to use your powers for good, you know!” After a moment, Adam said to her, without lifting his eyes, “I could hear y’all, you know.” Blue hoped fervently that he was only talking about Maura and Calla and not about her kitchen conversation with Gansey. “Do you think you’re a train wreck?” “That would mean I was on the tracks to start with,” he replied.’ I would just like to say that I am miffed by this passage on Adam’s behalf. Thank you.

The chapter where Mr. Gray comes to 300 Fox Way was… interesting.

'Gansey, a furious sun, glowed from the other side of the universe, his gravitational pull too distant to affect Adam.’ WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME MAGGIE I CAN NEVER RECOVER.

So yeah, I just read the part where Adam is thinking back to how he and Gansey became friends and I think my heart just burst from emotional overload.

'Sometimes Adam wondered what would’ve happened if he hadn’t stopped that day. What would be happening to him right now?’ Sometimes, Allan wondered what would’ve happened if Robin hadn’t stepped out of the trees that day. What would be happening to him right now? SORRY, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

Also, it only just occurred to me that Allan and Adam are A-names and Robin and Richard (even if that’s not what Gansey goes by) are R-names. This makes me so unreasonably happy!

'Gansey was giddy now that they’d decided to go back to Cabeswater. He hated nothing more than standing still. He ordered Ronan to put on some terrible music — Ronan was always too happy to oblige in this department — and then he abused the Camaro at every stoplight on the way out of town. “Put your back into it!” Gansey shouted breathlessly. He was talking to himself, of course, or to the gearbox. “Don’t let it smell fear on you!” Blue wailed each time the engine revved up, but not unhappily. Noah played the drums on the back of Ronan’s headrest. Adam, for his part, was not wild, but he did his best not to appear unwild, so as not to ruin it for the others.’ REEELATABLLLLE!!!

'Adam felt like he was watching it all from outside. He felt like he was about to catch another image, like a flick of the tarot cards he’d looked at earlier. Was that someone standing by the side of the road? I can’t trust my eyes.’ Leave him aloooone. :(

'Gansey leaned back, head thrown to the side, drunken and silly with happiness. “I love this car,” he said, loud to be heard over the engine. “I should buy four more of them. I’ll just open the door of one to fall into the other. One can be a living room, one can be my kitchen, I’ll sleep in one …” “And the fourth? Butler’s pantry?” Blue shouted. “Don’t be so selfish. Guest room.”’ He’s adorable.

Huh. Cabeswater’s gone!

'Adam felt that the Pig’s status perfectly encapsulated how he felt. It was not really dead, just broken. He was held inside the question of what it meant for him if Cabeswater was gone. Why can’t things just be simple?’  While this is a legitimate concern, Adam, to be fair, just a few moments ago you were worrying about was going to happen when you returned to Cabeswater for the first time after your sacrifice. Poor guy’s anxious over everything. :/

'Ronan leapt out of the car and slammed the door. The thing about Ronan Lynch, Adam had discovered, was that he wouldn’t — or couldn’t — express himself with words. So every emotion had to be spelled out in some other way. A fist, a fire, a bottle. Now Cabeswater was missing and the Pig was hobbled, and he needed to go have a silent shouting fit with his body. In the back window, Adam saw Ronan pick up a rock from the side of the road and hurl it into the creeper.  “Well, that’s helpful,” Blue said tersely.’ 1.) [Fond but exasperated] Oh Ronan. 2.) I appreciate your reaction, Blue. You’re not wrong.

'“I’m calling Declan,” Gansey said. “And telling him to bring a battery.” Ronan told Gansey what he thought of this plan, very precisely, with a lot of compound words that even Adam hadn’t heard before. Gansey nodded, but he also dialed Declan’s number. Afterward, he turned to Ronan, who leaned his cheek hard enough against the top of the window to make a dent in his skin.’ Please stop dealing with difficult emotions/situations by causing yourself pain, Ronan, honey.

'Gansey rounded on Adam, clutching his own headrest and looking behind him. “Why is it gone?”’ Why is my mental picture of this so endearing?

'Declan’s Volvo glided up, as quiet as the Pig was loud. Ronan said, “Move up, move up” to Blue until she scooted the passenger seat far enough for him to clamber behind it into the backseat. He hurriedly sprawled back in the seat, throwing one jean-covered leg over the top of Adam’s and laying his head in a posture of thoughtless abandon. By the time Declan arrived at the driver’s side window, Ronan looked as if he had been asleep for days.’ Oh, Ronan. What am I going to do with you?

'And as he sat there, observing the set of Declan’s shoulders and the way his eyes looked, he realized something startling. Declan was afraid. Probably it wasn’t apparent to Gansey, who was fairly oblivious, nor to Blue, who didn’t know what Declan looked like ordinarily. And Ronan’s feelings about his older brother were like blood in the water; he wouldn’t be able to see through the bilious clouds. But to Adam, who’d spent a fair amount of his life afraid — not only afraid, but trying to hide it — it was obvious.’ [Gansey voice] I am right to have Allan feels here and I will not be made to feel bad about it! (Also, in blast-from-the-past news, I’m really close to finally done with putting my anxiety-and-Allan thoughts into words and I’m excited for that.)

I love when Noah senses one of the other boys is in distress and goes to them and does his ghostly best to comfort or assist them. <3

'He thought about the day he’d been stung to death by hornets and lived anyway. Gansey ran over the memory until he no longer felt the thrill of hearing Glendower’s name whispered in his ear, and then instead gave himself over to feeling sorry for himself, that he should have so many friends and yet feel so very alone. He felt it fell to him to comfort them, but never the other way around. As it should be, he thought, abruptly angry with himself. You’ve had it the easiest. What good is all your privilege, you soft, spoiled thing, if you can’t stand on your own legs? ’ OH HONEY :( (But Noah does try!)

'“It’s not just the blood,” Ronan said. His chest moved up and down with his breath. “Something else got out, too.”’ Uh-oh.

Phew. They dispatched the nightmare creature while remaining mostly unscathed. Although they needn’t go around asking each other, "Are you murdered?” with the reply, “I think so.” anymore, please.

'“There was another one,” he said. “It got away.”’ Well, that’s not good!

'“It’s for the distasteful thing,” Gansey said. He plucked at the T-shirt with deprecating fingers. “I’m rather slovenly at the moment, I know.”’ [Fond, amused sputtering]

Oh, they’re going to the Barns!

'Gansey, a bit of the gallows in his voice, advised, “Poke its eye.”’ [Confused, taken-aback sputtering]

'“It feels the same as when you guys lived here,” Gansey said finally. “It seems like it should be different.” “Did you come here a lot?” Blue asked.  He exchanged a glance with Ronan. “Often enough.” He didn’t say what Ronan was thinking, which was that Gansey was far more of a brother to Ronan than Declan had ever been.’ Brothers <3<3<3

'Ronan loved it so much. He nearly couldn’t bear it. He wanted to destroy something.’ That’s…one reaction to profound love. (Yes, I know. Profound love for something that’s been stripped away from you.)

'“Ronan Lynch,” he said. It was the voice Ronan couldn’t not listen to. It was sure in every way that Ronan was not. “Stop this right now. Go see your mother. And then we’re leaving.”’ More Mom-Friend!Gansey.

'Ronan walked directly up to her, close enough to see that she had not changed a bit since the last time he had seen her, months and months ago. Though his breath moved the fine hairs around her temples, she didn’t react to her son’s presence. Her chest rose and fell. Her eyes stayed closed. Non mortem, somni fratrem. Not death, but his brother, sleep. Blue whispered, “Just like the other animals.”  The truth — he’d known it all along, really, if he thought about it — burrowed into him. Blue was right. His home was populated by things and creatures from Niall Lynch’s dreams, and his mother was just another one of them.’ Huh.

'My soul’s in enough peril as it is.” At this, Gansey’s face turned to a genuine frown and he looked as if he was about to say something. Then he just shook his head a little….“She didn’t try to see the future. It’s not something she became; it’s something she is. I could just as easily say that you’re evil because you can take things from your dreams!” Ronan said, “Yeah, you could.” Gansey’s frown deepened. Again he opened his mouth and closed it.’ Same, Gansey. Same.

'Ronan looked at him. That look, Blue thought. Ronan Lynch would do anything for Gansey. I probably would, too, she thought.’ If only he knew it. *rubs heart*

'Blue and Gansey exchanged a look. Blue’s look said, I’m so, so sorry. Gansey’s said, Am I the pretty one?’ Bless his cotton socks.

'Ronan thought of what Declan had said all those months before: Mom is nothing without Dad. He’d been right.’ Okay, but does Declan know about this stuff and how it works?

'Ronan interrupted the silence. “Cabeswater. Cabeswater is a dream.” Calla stopped rotating. “You don’t have to tell me I’m right,” Ronan said. He thought of all the times he had dreamt of Cabeswater’s old trees; how familiar it had felt to walk there; how the trees had known his name. He was tangled in their roots, somehow, and they, in his veins. “If Mom is in Cabeswater, she’ll wake up.” Calla stared at him. Silence was never a wrong answer.’ Okay then.

'But those words of Declan’s needled Ronan: She’s nothing without Dad. It was like he knew. Ronan wanted badly to know how much Declan knew, but it wasn’t like he could ask him.’ No, that would be too easy.

'“Says you and Dad were both dreamers,” Matthew said, “and you’re going to make us lose everything.” Ronan sat very still. He was so still so quickly that Chainsaw froze as well, her head tilted toward the youngest Lynch brother, purloined tuna sandwich forgotten. Declan knew about their father. Declan knew about their mother. Declan knew about him.’ Curious. Very curious.

The Gray Man is going to Monmouth Manufacturing!

'He had spent forty-eight hours more or less awake and restless and then, on the third day, he had bought a side-scan sonar device, two window airconditioners, a leather sofa, and a pool table. “Now do you feel better?” Adam had asked drily. Gansey had replied, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Hey, man,” Ronan said, “I like the pool table.” The entire situation made Blue apoplectic.’ Tag yourself; I’m Adam with a dash of Ronan. Pool tables are cool.

’"You are still wearing those incredibly stupid boat shoes, and of all the things that you have bought, you still haven’t replaced them!” Gansey, bewildered, observed his feet. The movement of his toes was barely visible through the tops of his Top-Siders. Really, in light of recent events, these shoes were the only things that were right in the world. “I like these shoes.”’ Update: he’s still adorable.

’[Gansey] exchanged a glance with Adam, because it had to be done’ 1) What does this mean? 2) I love them SO MUCH!

'In some parallel universe, there was a Gansey who could tell Blue that he found the ten inches of her bare calves far more tantalizing than the thirteen cubic feet of bare skin Orla sported. But in this universe, that was Adam’s job. } He was in a terrible mood.’ Oooooh. 👀

'So these were the people Greenmantle had warned him about. Fellow seekers of the Greywaren, whatever it might be.’ Curious and curiouser.

'Blue cheerfully spit a mouthful of brown water on his boat shoes. It pooled in the canvas over his toes. “Good God,” he said. “Now they’re really boat shoes,” she replied.’ Blue’s crusade continues.

'He knew what it was. He just didn’t know why it was. He said, “Well, that’s a wheel off the Camaro.” And it was. It looked identical to the wheels currently residing on the Pig — except this wheel was clearly several hundred years old. The discolored surface was pocked and lumpy. With all of the deterioration, the elegantly symmetrical wheel didn’t appear that out of place beside the shield boss. If you overlooked the tattered Chevrolet logo in the middle. “Do you remember losing one a little while ago?” Ronan asked. “Like, five hundred years or so?”’ Aggressively the Most Curious.

'Blue held his gaze, unflinching. Crisp, she replied, “None at all.” And it was a lie. It should not have been, but it was, and Gansey, who prized honesty above nearly every other thing, knew it when he heard it. Blue Sargent cared whether or not he was interested in Orla. She cared a lot. As she whirled toward the truck with a dismissive shake of her head, he felt a dirty sort of thrill.’ Oh, you kids.

'“Hey, Noah.” He was too busy being ghostly to attend to her, however. Currently, he was engaged in one of his creepiest activities: reenacting his own death. He glanced around the tiny yard as if appraising the forest glen containing only himself and his friend Barrington Whelk. Then he let out a terrible, mangled cry as he was struck from behind by an invisible skateboard. He made no sound when he was hit again, but his body jerked convincingly. Blue tried not to look as he bucked a few more times before falling to the ground. His head jerked; his legs bicycled. Blue took a deep, uneven breath. Though she had seen him do it four or five times now, it was always unsettling. Eleven minutes. That was how long the entire homicidal portrait lasted: one boy’s life destroyed in less time than it took to cook a hamburger. The last six minutes, the ones that took place after Noah had first fallen but before he actually died, were excruciating. Blue considered herself a fairly steadfast, sensible girl, but no matter how many times she heard his torn-up breath seizing in his throat, she felt a little teary. Between the twisted roots of the front yard, Noah’s body jerked and stilled, finally dead. Again.’ I feel w o u n d e d.

'They wandered to the door like that, a pretzel of dead boy and not-psychic girl.’ Don’t even look at me!

'Gleefully, Noah said, “There’s a pool table now! I’m the worst at pool ever! It’s wonderful.”’ THIS SWEET CHILD IS GIVING ME EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH.

'Gansey, pacing next to his ruined miniature Henrietta, set his eyes on Ronan. There was something intense and heedless in them. There were many versions of Gansey, but this one had been rare since the introduction of Adam’s taming presence. It was also Ronan’s favorite. It was the opposite of Gansey’s most public face, which was pure control enclosed in a paper-thin wrapper of academia. But this version of Gansey was Gansey the boy. This was the Gansey who bought the Camaro, the Gansey who asked Ronan to teach him to fight, the Gansey who contained every wild spark so that it wouldn’t show up in other versions. Was it the shield beneath the lake that had unleashed it? Orla’s orange bikini? The bashed-up remains of his rebuilt Henrietta and the fake IDs they’d returned to? Ronan didn’t really care. All that mattered was that something had struck the match, and Gansey was burning.’ #JusticeforMiniatureHenrietta

'“Don’t say anything stupid to him,” he told Gansey.’ Did I read that right? Did Ronan really just advise Gansey to be careful?

'The Gray Man recalled the buzz of his phone and patted his pockets. His phone was missing, however. Maura Sargent had stolen it while they were making out. In its place was the ten of swords: the Gray Man slain on the ground and Maura the sword driven through his heart.’ Interesting. Sorry that always seems to be my reaction to the Gray Man, but there it is.

#emily reads the raven cycle #status: tdt pg. 230 #jammeke #exlibrisfangirl

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #472

“we don’t deal with outsiders very well  /  they say newcomers have a certain smell”

Does your favorite uncle have any children? Yeah; he has one son and a daughter. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't. I'm selfish with my alone time, and I want to live for me. I don't want to essentially hand over my life for someone else, give my all for them, and then I wind up not being enough. I don't want the financial burden. I don't want to be responsible for another human being. There are so, so many reasons I don't want kids. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Noooot at all. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, but you also wouldn't catch me dead cooking beans. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? No. What’s something that’s been bothering you lately? I've been pushing it to the back of my mind to avoid panicking, so I probably shouldn't even talk about it, but I worry quite a bit that Girt will eventually leave me because of me not being "adult" enough, like having a job, a car, knowing how to do basic adult stuff... you know. I don't feel like he will, given just how devoutly he's been by my side since HS, and especially now that we're together, I'm working harder towards those goals, but still. I worry it'll happen. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? I've never had a severe one. What was the last show you binge-watched? Psych with Girt. I quite liked it. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What’s something that bothers you more and more as you get older? Political issues. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Girt. What is your favourite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Just your normal tomato sauce. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? ... In my bed. :x Do you think your ex ever loved you? Yes. Have you ever had a filling? For my teeth? Yes. Should tattoos be meaningful? Get a tattoo for whatever reason you please. It doesn't necessarily have to be meaningful, no. Do you think wisteria trees look cool? Get a wisteria tree. Do you like to eat strawberries? Get a strawberry. There doesn't need to be a big story. Do certain times of the year remind you of certain people? Yes. January is like... all about Jason in my head because within that month is his birthday and our former anniversary. Are there any negative points to being in a relationship? Uh, there's probably something. What the most recent good news you’ve heard? Just today actually I got a phone call about some genetic testing I had done to see if I carried the malfunctioning gene my mother has that makes her more prone to certain types of cancer. My sisters and I all got tested, and all three of us are good! Our pancreatic, breast, and ovarian cancer risks are the same as your average person walking down the street. Would you hug your bf/gf’s best friend? I don't know his best friend. I don't think I would upon just meeting him, though. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Mom wouldn't care less, while I don't really know about my dad. Not that it would matter what he thought. Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? NO NO NO NO NEVER DO THIS. I have to be mentally prepared for company. How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? I really, really love him. It's funny how wildly my emotions flipped from platonic to romantic with him just by giving it some deep thought. How close are you to the last person you hung out with? Can you be your complete self around them? We're very close, and yes. I'm still extremely shy for him to know some things, but ultimately, I'd tell him a whole lot. Is music a daily part of your life? Usually, anyway. Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yes. Did you do anything sexual last night? Naw. Do you think the last person you Facebook messaged is a virgin? Doubt it, he's been in at least one serious relationship before. Ever want a monkey as a pet? I would absolutely fucking never, even if it was moral and possible to give them all they need as a pet. I've never been that into monkeys, anyway. What’s the scariest bug you’ve ever seen? I've seen a massive stag beetle at least once and it was such a fuck no. Do you think it’s alright if people baby talk to babies? Yes...? They're unfamiliar with the world and need gentleness to establish trust and a positive bond in general. There is nothing wrong with treating babies like, well, babies. Ever take a nap in a hammock? I don't believe I've ever fallen asleep in one, but I definitely used to just chill out and close my eyes on the one we used to have at my old place, under the shade of the trees. Who’s the best character in Rugrats? I don't have an opinion on this, surprisingly. I adored that show as a kid and had two video games for it. Pop-Tarts or Toaster Struddels? The latter. But both are tasty. Ever want to make out with someone, anyone, didn’t matter who? Er, no. I have to love you. Smack someone on the ass lately? This question is worded so uncomfortably lmao but no. Someone smack your ass lately? Still an uncomfortable question but no. Do you like puppies more than adult dogs? They're cute, but no. Adult dogs are generally calmer and actually know where to use the bathroom. If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be? I plan on dyeing my hair for a loooong time if it's something extra I can afford. Is there a historical figure you find interesting? If so, who? The first person who came to mind was Pharaoh Hatshepsut. Girl power, man. Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult? I guess maybe my dad having done serious drugs for a while. I don't know if anyone would've told me that as a kid. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? I've never vandalized, period. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? SPICY SHRIMP FRITAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS <3 What is in the back seat of your car right now? I have no idea what's in the back of Mom's car, actually. I don't pay attention. What was the last thing you threw up? I'd assume whatever I had for dinner with the medication that made me vomit. What color is your mom’s hair? Since chemo, it was growing back completely gray, so now she dyes it black. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Yeah, no. Not even entertaining this. I'd rather die. If you swapped genders for a day, how would you spend it? Ha, it's weird, the first thing that came to mind was "how would I look in makeup?" because men in makeup can look like fuckin babes so I guess that's what I'm doing lmaooo. Have you ever been to see stand-up comedy? No, but I would. I think it sounds fun. Have you ever been in a submarine? No, but that'd be cool. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. I wish. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Ohio. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? lkajsd;lkfjae yes Have you ever planted a tree? An apple tree, yes. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? I don't care. Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She can animate pretty darn well! Have you ever written a song? Guys when I was a little kid I wrote a song to the Nintendogs theme fucking kill me Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? My grampa on Dad's side used to, but he's deceased now. He would do that for me and my sisters, and I always thought it was so wild, because it was like, a lot, and this man barely knew us at all because of how far away my dad's family is. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? No. Do you know anybody who has a birthday in November? I mean I'm sure I do, but no one off the top of my head that I know well, anyway. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? Ghostface bc I've been afraid of him since I was a kid, and I HATE knives. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know if I have a favorite. He's also just in so many movies though that I could never think of all of them. Have you ever been abused by a police officer? Yikes, no. Do you know anyone who is very ignorant? Boy, do I. I know plenty. When was the last time someone said something mean and offensive to you? I don't know, and I'd rather not try to remember. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? ?????????????????????????? NO????????????????????????? WHY WOULD I WANT THAT????????????????????????????????? Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight. Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier obvs, Rhett & Link are a pair channel, so I count them as one unit, and uhhh just one more... Snake Discovery/Emily & Ed. I could hang with them, man. What makes you more creative? Music. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? Yeah, one person. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? My sister Misty. She's making me this really cool Halloween-y wreath to keep on my door year-round. She's really good with crafts and is making some beautiful ones. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? I'd rather keep it private, but the general gist is just realizing how much I love someone again. Were you raised religious? Yes. Didn't stick. Never felt "right" or "at home" in any religion. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope I would. I feel like growing up poor, it could go either way. I do THINK I'd use it pretty wisely, at least. Maybe go a bit too hard into things I seriously love (like tattoos), but then be really stingy in other areas. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? In general, yes. My favorites are still all shades and tints of red. Got any nicknames that you rarely even use? Not nicknames I use nowadays, no. Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? I’m fine being female. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? Absolutely, because of how little I've accomplished. Based on your running speed, what animal would you be? Like, a tortoise probs. :^) Can you read in public? Only if it's quiet. Pokemon, Digimon, GI JOE, Barbies, or other? Pokemon, duh. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? Not having a job, to name one thing. Are you any good at science? I've always been really good at (most) science, actually. Like language arts, it's just something that naturally "clicks" for me. Do you go on any forums on the net? Just KM right now. Got any secrets you honestly can’t say to anyone? It's not that I can't, like I don't have any deep, dark secrets that would rock someone's world if they knew, there are just things I'm never sharing. Believe in voodoo? Nah. What’s something you’ve tried really hard at? To be a decently successful photographer, but let's not get me started on that travesty. :^)

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''heathens'' by twenty one pilots

[ellanainthetardis]

Loved today's prompt! Just out of curiosity, what's your Effie/seneca headcanon?

Thanks! My Effie/Seneca hc mmmm... I put a read more bc it got long.

I’m not in the “they used to be a couple” bandwagon but I like to hc they knew each other very well because they’ve been in the same circles forever so they’ve known each other since childhood. I think they’re the kind of friends who make-out after a long night partying, when you’re drunk and a bit high on dancing and fun and you want somebody you love close, sometimes maybe it had gone further, but it always stays entaglement free, it’s easy, affectionate. I strongly hc that while Seneca is fluid, he’s more into men than women so whatever happens is mostly recreational and there’s never any ambiguity between the two of them, never any unrequited love.

I think they’re very good friends in a way that’s not always common in the Capitol because they recognzie themselves in each other: young, beautiful, deadly ambitious, probably with hard to please parents... I like to think there’s something pure to their friendship because Seneca genuinely loves Effie (in a friend/almost family way) and she loves him back the same way. I think he would risk a lot for her because he’s pure of heart when it comes to his friends (unlike Plutarch who I hc Slytherin, I think Seneca is more of the Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff variety) and she would go far for him but not as far as he would, not as far as she would go for Haymitch or the kids, she’s too pragmatic and has too much self-preservation. And I don’t think she realizes just how deep he feels for her.

While she might be amongst the people Seneca would do anything to protect, he’s not in hers because... I think at some point, probably 2 or 3 years after she starts being an escort, Effie stops trusting anyone Capitol and above all anyone who works for the Games. It might be unfair but that’s how it is.

I see them as fake-dating from time to time, because... Well it’s a wider hc but while I think sexuality in the Capitol is very free (like nobody cares about preferences) and it’s totally okay to be gay, it’s a little more proper to be married to the opposite gender in certain high circles and families. There’s a clear discrepency in the city about what you do behind closed doors and what you do in public, about being wild because that’s how they live, in total excess, and being proper because you’re the “civilized” part of the population in opposition to the savages Districts (which also paradoxically are more traditional)...

So, yeah, I think Seneca is totally at ease with who he is, who he prefers, but I also think he has an overbearing politician father who would prefer him to marry a woman instead of a man - and he doesn’t quite have the courage to tell him to fuck off, because there’s a lot of money, influence and pressure and he’s been groomed since he was a child to be the next Crane: head gamemaker is only a step on his way to goverment.

As for Effie, there are moments when she doesn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend (because of Haymitch) and others when she doesn’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend for several months/years (still because of haymitch), and while she’s seen with men and women at red carpets and events, there are talks about how she hasn’t been in a steady relationship for a while.

So it works out. They pretend to be a couple for a while, they have fun because they’re good friends, gossip dies and moves on to something else. They have an amicable break-up in time for the new Games season.

While nothing is ever made public and they deny it at the top of their lungs, I do believe the affair between Haymitch and Effie is kind of an open secret in the somewhat small Games staff world. Even if they’re trying not to be, they’re a bit obvious at times but mostly, in there, nobody cares because it’s not that uncommon for escorts to hook up with a victor or a Gamemaker, it probably happens often. It’s like being trapped in a terrible situation with someone for a certain amount of time, at some point, that person no matter how much you dislike them becomes the only one you can rely on, as twisted as it might get.

I’m also pretty sure the penthouse is bugged so, truly, there’s not hiding that they’re sleeping together even if they’re adamant it’s just a casual sex-friends thing.

And Seneca being Head Gamemaker, he’s the first made aware probably.

I think it amuses him at first because Effie denies and denies even if she must know he knows - and isn’t that a little embarassing - and he teases her about fantasies and about how she probably has wanted to do that since she was a teenager... He does see the appeal but Haymitch is not his kind of men.

After a couple of years though he starts getting concerned and I think he would urge her to cut him loose. Seneca is good at seeing patterns, at anticipating what’s going to happen, and he sees the train wreck in the making. He’s never as adamant as Chaff is with Haymitch because he respects Effie’s judgment and trusts her to make the good decision but he’s not entirely happy with the affair and lets her know. It probably causes a much larger rift between them than her wavering trust in anything/anyone Capitol.

I think Seneca was very much her closest friend before Haymitch took that place. She trusts Haymitch like she never trusted anyone. She trusts him blindly and completely, he’s her ally, her partner... He’s never lied to her even if the truth hurts sometimes a lot...

For Seneca, it must feel like Haymitch replaces him even if they never had the same degree of a relationship. He was Effie’s go-to person and now he’s not and she is still his so it leaves them unbalanced.

More generally, I don’t think Seneca is a bad person. He’s not a rebel, he never was. I think he does believe in the necessity of keeping the Districts under the Capitol thumb and he doesn’t exactly love what he does with the Games but he sees it as a control tool, he rationalizes it, he makes his peace with it. He distances himself from the tributes in the arena, they aren’t real to him until they become victors. He doesn’t think he will be Head Gamemaker forever. He’s been a Gamemaker almost as long as Effie’s been an escort, he’s been Head Gamemaker since the 70th HG, he’s the youngest Head Gamemaker ever... It’s only a stepping stone. Head Gamemakers are usually promoted to a high ranking ministry in less than 10  years if they do a good job and show indefectible loyalty. That’s his end goal.

What he does try to do and that other Head Gamemakers haven’t always bothered with is try to make it safer for the victors (and the escorts) on the prostitution front. It’s not much but for instance he makes sure that if a “client” is too brutal or something to the point of the victor seriously being injured, the client will not only ever be allowed to buy again but that he will get a bit of a fear. That’s something Snow is willing to work along with because victors are investments and messed-up investments aren’t any good.

I think Snow likes Seneca well enough because Seneca is young, full of ideas and determination to get to the top. Snow likes him with some fondness and a spark of interest because he’s promising and if he can groom him into the kind of men he needs, he thinks Seneca could go far. Snow liking someone has never stopped him from having them killed if need be though. On his part, I think Seneca is naturally wary of the President - there are pesky rumors around Games staff about poison and murders - but he’s also been taught to worship him since infancy - don’t tell me Snow doesn’t have a personality cult impleted in schools, it’s tyranny 101 - and because of his own father’s disappointed attitude, he answers favorably to Snow’s gentle guiding and words of praise. He wants to please Snow, he wants to do well. Snow is not quite a mentor but close to that. He’s not blind but he tells himself the horrors he sees are necessary to keep peace and save Panem.

Victors make fun of Seneca (because of the beard and the attitude) and don’t really like him but he’s not the most hated Head Gamemaker there ever was either. He’s decent enough and if they’ve got a real big problem, they know they can go talk it out with him. It might not amount to anything but more often than not, if it’s really serious, he will try to do something. He also tries to temperate Snow’s wrath as much as possible when a victor does something idiotic that deserves punishment, trying to find alternative punishment that won’t be deadly. For instance, I think Jo caused a lot of trouble as soon as she won and he tried to get her to see the light, warning her at least once or twice and sending older victors her way before he’s forced to take much more drastic measures and having her family killed (on Snow’s orders but at that point, he doesn’t seen an alternative either).

The indiference he feels towards tributes morphes into a sort of odd protectiveness when victors are involved, maybe because of a twisted conscience. Maybe because despite his job, he is not a violent man himself. He never threw a punch in his life and he wouldn’t have the first clue how to defend himself if attacked. This being said he never really shows any of that concern. It wouldn’t do because he’s the boss. 

He’s a bit like Effie, I think - and most of the Capitols who are aware of the danger of having more personality than mindless drones - in the sense that he has a very imposing public persona. He laughs a lot, he likes being seen, admired, seduced... He’s always amiable, always apparently happy... He plays the role of the successful young man, of the most elligeable bachelor... He has a somber, more contemplative nature though but he keeps that hidden for nights where he stares at his ceiling.

Above all though... I think he has a sort of honesty toward himself that Plutarch lacks in the sense that he doesn’t try to pretend he’s a better man than he is. He knows exactly what kind of man he is, regardless of the face he presents the world. He kills kids for a living, for the greater good maybe, but that’s what his job is. He doesn’t let himself think about that too often, he usually drowns it in champagne, parties and sex, but it’s there, simmering under the surface. Maybe once Snow told him leaders have to make hard decisions, cut a few to save the lot, that what they’re doing in important in the sense that it’s keeping Panem united and safe and he clings to that with all he has.

It’s a lonely life.

Effie’s the one who gets Seneca for Haymitch during the 74th Hunger Games and, ultimately, she’s the one who convinces him to go along with their plan.

I know a lot of people hc that Haymitch did the whole thing by himself and Effie was clueless but, to me, they’re very much partners, Effie taking the place of the traditional second mentor, and everything they do they do together - of one mind - and so Effie is very aware of what she’s doing when she sells Haymitch’s star-crossed lovers idea, she knows it’s risky, but she wants to try and save the children.

I also think, just like Haymitch must have, she knows the rule will have to be changed last minute and that there won’t be two victors no matter what the kids think in the arena. Maybe she tries to get Seneca to stick to that rule but the order comes from above (Snow) and Seneca won’t risk more than he already did. Possibly, he’s a little angry with her by the time they reach the ending because he let himself convinced by Haymitch that it would be good TV but mostly, he did it because Effie pleaded and now he sees how it could so easily go south and Snow is furious and he hates the disappointment he saw in Snow - and he’s scared too.

What no one anticipated was Katniss and the berries.

Seneca cuts ties immediately after the victory. He won’t take her calls, he avoids her, maybe the only thing he consents to tell her when he is forced to offer his congratulations at the Crowning is: to stay away from him. She thinks it’s because Twelve is in deeeeep troubles and she understands that he doesn’t want to get mixed up in it so she respects his wishes. She doesn’t quite get it’s a little more complicated than that. Sure he’s trying to not get associated with her but he’s also trying not to get her associated with him.

Because at that point, Seneca knows he’s dead, it’s just a matter of time.

I kind of liked what they did in the movies with the bowl of berries because there’s such doomness in it, just like if he was forced into an arena too. It’s terrible. He has no choice but to kill himself. How terrible it must be??? Like, he actually has to stand there and do it with dignity or try to fight, know he will lose and be force-fed berries... Personally, I think he ate the berries by himself, that he would feel it more dignified.

But in the books, I don’t think it was that easy, I think he tried to put up a fight because it’s one thing to be locked in a room with poison berries, it’s another to be asked to hang himself. I think they hanged him and it’s a terrible way to die and he must have known it.

Effie is devastated after his death and it happens after Haymitch and the kids went back to 12 so she doesn’t really have anyone to turn to. Cinna and Portia are there of course but she’s been set into this “don’t trust anyone” path for so long it’s hard for her to let new people know her real thoughts and feelings, her friendship with her only becomes completely trusting later, I think, once Haymitch tells her it’s okay and she actually should go to them if she has a problem.

Mostly, like probably all of the escorts, Gamemaker and people in the known, she’s forced to show some sadness but not too much grief because if they’re seen desperate over his death, they might be associated with him and soon join him in the “suicided” wagon. It’s a tight rope to walk on, all the more so because she keeps getting interviewed and asked questions about him because of their close friendship. And she’s forced to lie about how he might have been depressed or sad or about having an inkling he would do something like this.

I think that time is really, really rough for her because she truly loved Seneca. In a lot of ways, he was a masculine mirror and now she grasps soooo very clearly how quickly and easily she could fall. But it’s too late becaue she’s already committed to the children - never mind Haymitch.

She’s not really allowed to grieve. She doesn’t let herself grieve, not even in the privacy of her own home because she knows it’s bugged, she knows she can’t be seen crying over a traitor, not when she’s on thin ice herself. I think she loses it at her parents one afternoon during tea and her mother and sister are horrified, but at least it’s within the family and it stays there. She feels better after she cried it out but it’s still a weight on her shoulders, it’s not a sorrow she can just shake off like that.

She feels very guilty about his death too, terribly so, because she’s the one who brought him to Haymitch, because she’s the one who begged him to go along with the star-crossed lovers thing... She feels it’s her fault if he’s death, she feels as if she killed him herself.

In my hc, that’s why she’s so upset when Katniss mentions hanging a dummy and painting Seneca’s name in CF - and also because she’s been in a lot of stress for months, she’s probably more aware than Katniss gives her credits for, and she knows there’s a sword dangling over their heads coming lower and lower with every minute.

I think Haymitch is aware of how hard it is for her regarding Seneca’s death but 1) he doesn’t really cared for Seneca 2) he doesn’t really get it because while he’s aware they were friends, when the Games were in sessions, they weren’t much in contact (because a Gamemaker/later Head Gamemaker can’t be seen favoring an escort) so I’m not sure he gets how close they really were. He sympathetic of her grief because he sees it affects her deeply but he’s not sorry Seneca’s dead because he was just another Capitol Head Gamemaker who didn’t care about dead kids to him and there are more urgent fish - Mockingjays - to fry.

The rebellion kind of sweep everything under the rug and be it movie canon or book canon, Effie doesn’t have the luxury of thinking about Seneca’s death any more.

I think she spares him a thought from time to time post MJ but it’s a distant one because, once she settles in 12 for good, it’s like... another life entirely. The Games, everything that came before the war... At some point, it’s something she and Haymitch leave in the past because if they don’t cut it off the past and its demons will swallow them whole. It takes a few years, but they get there.

#hc #look it became a novel #who's surprised? #why is nobody raising their hands? #haha #someone should stop him from thinking so much about secondary character XD #but hey #at least Seneca has a canon last name #unlike others XD #seneca crane #effie trinket #sweetheart #meta #seneca #anon #ask

[coshayphinelove]

@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember.  so here it is...  more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare.  she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything.  she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them.  literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria.  through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them.  but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about.  she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths.  hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall.  showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade.  tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island.  so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them.  she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra.  but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next.  she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices.  probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly.  when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive.  cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect.  they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage.  mobile users, please pardon the length.  i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way.  she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her.  once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.  

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else.  so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones.  shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive.  even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional.  (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima.  she’s not well.  she needs someone who knows her.  or is at least someone she didn’t threaten.  but delphine is terrified.  she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her.  if she feels the same.  if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it.  and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone.  she’s got nothing left.  she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box.  if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop.  but it is a goal that they have.  eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women.  all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit.  she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed.  like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear.  but i don’t know if you want any.  or if... you would need that... or... you know...”  delphine just laughs at her a little.  “that was a lot of words.”  she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe.  she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling.  shay figures out that touch grounds delphine.  if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down.  they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown.  she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans.  she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships.  it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia.  she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans.  and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine.  she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that.  so many cuddles.  but at some point they share a kiss.  it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss.  and that kiss leads to a long talk.  which leads to more kisses.  which leads to them calling each other girlfriends.  which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating.  she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them.  it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot.  so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling.  several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls.  which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island.  delphine is beside herself.  she could die there, shay!!  so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto.  after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would.  she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time?  and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots.  she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that.  she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch.  there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of.  ‘i should have called her.’  ‘i should have gone straight to her.’  ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine.  they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.”  it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic.  they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about.  as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima.  with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating.  and they’re dating each other.  and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate.  she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor.  the best friend.  auntie cosima.  the wing man.  she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again.  she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more.  she knows this.  she’s just.  really depressed about it.

shay finds out.  probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima.  and delphine for sure still loves cosima.  and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory.  it’s never cosima bc she would never do it.  but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy.  if shay did it it would be to make them both happy. 

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee.  and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay.  and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine

#ALWAYS PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT TRANS!DELPHINE #I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH BUT I NEVER POST ABOUT IT BC I FEEL LIKE NOBODY WOULD CARE #AND/OR I REALLY DONT WANNA DEAL WITH TERFS #I HAVE A MEME FOR IT BUT I DONT HAVE THE GONADS TO DO MUCH MORE #ANYWAY #TRANS!DELPHINE #DELPHINE CORMIER #MY FIC #HEADCANONS

[boqvistsbabe]

storytime (kind of) mother frickers

so i like this guy. this guy that is literally my best guy friend and i have known him for three years, almost four. and like every single other guy i have liked i knew around the time when i met them that i was probably gonna like them at some point. so yeah whatever i liked them now i don’t. i didn’t like anyone for the longest time and then randomly i like started feeling like i like this guy (my friend) lets call him uh Adam (tbh that is just about as far from his name as you could get lol) and like this hit me out of nowhere. because like basically when we met we friend-zoned each other without having to do so, which makes no sense whatsoever but who cares. and like this whole idea of this started last school year when his cousin randomly walked into the classroom i was staying in after school to work on memorization for some things and it was near Valentine’s Day and he was like anyone wanna be my cousin’s gf and me, knowing that this is Adam’s cousin said no why and he explained why basically and then that was the start of him calling me literally every single time he saw me Adam’s gf. I denied every single time and this went on for the rest of the year. and like one time on the after school bus Adam’s cousin got on before him and sat down and when Adam walked on to the bus his cousin said that his gf was on the bus and he (and i know that he actually did this bc i looked up right at this getting ready to turn around and yell at his cousin) Adam looked right at me and his cousin said “he even looked dead at you” and then the rest of the busride was his cousin trying to get us together by asking me question (like “do you like guys that can sing” “well duh” “do you like guys with abs” “well duh”) and then he started singin “I Wanna Dance With Somebody for no reason and I finshed the song for him and he said “see look you can sing too you guys would be great together” (and that opens another can of worms that is not in this story) and i said but i really can’t and he was like but you realy can. and during all of this Adam said nothing to either of us. and around a few weeks after that i started liking somebody so i was still like whatever and nothing more happened last year basically. and like then this year came along and i didnt like that other guy anymore and like was really focused on like my friends and shit like that. like then two of his other friends (that im kinda friends with but not really) started like suggesting people that they could set me up with for hoco (the two friends and i have the same bio class together and we sat near each other at the time) and i would decline every single guy and then they said Adam’s name and I was like no we’re friends (because at the time i still didn’t like him) and then the boys proceeded to say stuff like “you do like him” “look you’re blushing” things like that (something they do not realize was that when i get angry or frustrated or whatever i tend to turn red or at least pink) and then one of them threw a ship name for us out there and then it was a thing and like then he proceeded (when i did not answer them anymore) to sit in the empty chair next to me and go “aw please don’t be mad at me I don’t want you mad at me” (i wasn’t that mad and we were all having fun and he was joking) and i proceeded to ignore him and he got closer and said the same thing (also if this had happened about one and a halfish years ago i wouldve been freaking out because i used to like him, a lot) and i said i wasn’t mad and we were fine. until he (when we were going around the room and grading other people’s papers) when i came back to my seat and said something about my paper he was like “oh that’s your paper” and i said “yeah it literally has my name on it” he walks over takes my paper and writes something on it and ten gives me my paper back and he wrote Adam and I’s ship name in marker on my paper. at least i didn’t have to turn that in or i mightve killed him. and so like whatever didn’t like him still just confused on why everybody (including some of my other really close friends) think we should get together. and then like i feel like it was a slow realization of how amazing he is (bc like lemme be honest here he is really sweet and funny and like everything that the others weren’t which sounds cliche but like ugh i just cannot describe how much i wanted the other guys i have liked to be like him)  and like i told two of my other best friends and they think he is nice. and like lately him and i are around each other more and stuff and we talk even more than before and mess with each other and stuff. and then one of my other friends randomly asks me before she leaves the lunchroom if i like him and i say no bc like this is all weird for me and shit and she says okay and walks away even with me asking her why she asked and her not telling me. and then i get my other friend to ask her through text and she wont answer. and the other day he took my hair tie thingy (idk what it is called) one of these: 

after i was messing with it and said that i wasn’t going to get it back. then wears it the rest of the day and cool im not freaking out internally at all. and there is no way people wont connect that it is mine bc it is just one of the clear ones and my hair is blueish at the ends so it died the hair tie thingy and im the only one with that color hair. and then we go on a five day break from school and i find out from my friend why my other friend asked that. and she asked because SHE THOUGHT WE WERE DATING! i obviously am so fine with that even though we aren’t. but i was like why did she think that and my friend was like bc y’all are always together and stuff. and then we get to today and so i find out that he lost the other one and then he took the one i had today (which i am fine with this i have multiple and he asked to make sure it was okay and i said it was he then asked like two more times just to make sure) and then i took his pencil and since i wouldn’t give it back he took my hoodie and put the hood on his head on wore it like that until i gave him his pencil back. and then like there is this thing he can do which is popping the joints closer to the end of your finger and i can’t do that but he did it to my fingers the other day (and as i am typing this i realize how weird it sounds) and now it has become our thing kind of. and like i love it. bc it involves him wrapping his hand around mine. so yeah love it. and then i proceed to mess with him for the rest of the hour. and yeah. and then when i get to lunch later i see him with his friends and like i can see the hair tie thing on his wrist and it brings me so much joy idk why but it does. and then i was talking to my friend and was like idk why people think we are dating and she said that it is because we basically are just not officially. and then i was like what hold the phone and back it up. and like she went over that again and said that quite a few people have thought we were dating in the past and had asked her if Adam and I were dating and she had said no obviously and i was like how do i not know this. and she said bc i never told you and then t=she proceeded to tell me how her herself has shipped him and I for quite a while but did it on the DL and now her and my friend that asked if i liked him are shipping us on the DL and my friend that asked is gonna ask him if he likes me bc he doesnt know how close we are and will be more likely to tell her than me or my other friend. and like i know he is gonna say know and like i want him to say that he does. but like he wont. and even if he does there are some problems like i can’t date yet which like has never been a problem till now, even when i had my 6th grade “boyfriend” my mom didn’t know and i didn’t care bc i was fine with a relationship on the DL with him but Adam is someone i want a real relationship with you know. like i don’t want it hidden. and i want ground rules obviously and my friend said that i could just do what she did and just talk to her mom about it and present the situation very adult like and stuff like she did. which like i can and my mom knows him so it might work. but then there is the fact that he doesn’t like me so it doesn’t matter but like there are signs that point towards him actually liking me but im not that stupid. he has so many female friends that are cooler and prettier and smarter and so just more better than me so like why would he like me. idk what to do. this is like really crazy for me rn and i dont wanna lose my friend so yay.

that was really boring sorry but i needed an outlet and idk what to do but if yall have any advice please tell me

[ambootyos]

Club Confusion Pt. 5

Part 4

Word Count: 1,200

Tags: @dorkyvillain @wrestlingnoob @reigns420 @laziestgirlintheworld @bolieve-that @phenomenal-forearm @vipervenomisgoodforyou @thegenericluchadora @kingslayers-angel @xoxotashk

Do you ever wake up, and everything feels okay, for just a second? But then, everything hits you like a wrecking ball, and you realize that your life is falling apart?

Well, I do.

I looked around my room, and there was the ring box on the ground. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Man, missing him was killing me. I wonder if he was still in town?

I doubt it, why would he be? Wouldn’t he wanna leave as soon as possible?

Kenny heard a knock on his hotel room door, he let out a relieved sigh, hoping it’d be me or Marty.

“Look I know-Adam?” Kenny said, as he opened the door, and his mouth fell ajar.

Adam smirked and cocked his head. “Miss me?” He walked inside, and shut the door behind him. Kenny rolled his eyes.

“Don’t do anything stupid Adam.” He replied a cocky tone in his voice. Adam cleared his throat, as he looked his at one time, friend in the eyes. “Do you remember, when I came to you a few years ago? And, I asked you for your help?”

Kenny let out a sigh, and nodded. He remembered it very well.

“You helped me find her a ring. And last night, I tried to fix the damage that you caused. And she broke up with me.”

Kenny cleared his throat, and let out a sigh. “I don’t know what to say dude. I really don’t.” He shrugged.

“Are you kidding me?! That’s your response?! Why would you do this to me Ken? Why?!” He exclaimed.

“Because Adam. Relationships ruin careers. I know it may not seem like it, but Y/N is my friend and I did what was best for her.” Kenny explained.

“You don’t get to decide what’s best for her Kenny!” Adam exclaimed getting in his face.

Kenny scoffed. “Oh and you do? Excuse me, but at least what I did was for her. You tweeted that stupid picture because of what a few fans thought. Don’t blame me, because you’re insecure Adam.”

He replied, as he pushed Adam away from him. He turned to walk out the door, and Adam grabbed him by the back of the head, and slammed his face into the door before he could even touch the doorknob.

He kept doing it until he saw blood, then he dropped Kenny on the ground, and left.

I called Marty. It may have been a dumb idea, but he told me to do so, and I wanted to see him. He was the only friend I had at the moment. I let him in, and he wore that smile that same he always did when we hung out.

“Are you okay?” He asked. I shook my head. “No. Me and Adam broke up last night.” I explained, as I wiped a tear from my eye. I really didn’t wanna cry again. I don’t think I can handle it.

He sat on my bed next to me, and placed a hand on my knee.

“Look Love, if Adam broke up with you because of a misunderstanding, then that’s his problem. He’s an idiot.” He explained. I breathed a laugh. “No..I broke up with him. I’m the idiot.”

He looked a bit shocked for a second, but then he smiled, and put his arm around me, and I leaned into his chest, as he ran his hands through my hair.

“You an idiot? Never.”

Adam was about to leave, he was storming through the lobby, not even looking up or paying attention to anyone. Because of this he collided with another body.

“Watch it!” Adam hissed.

“Adam?” A familiar voice said, Adam looked up to see Matt and Nick. But, he didn’t say anything to them, he just rolled his eyes, and tried to walk pass them. But they stopped him.

“Dude, what’s wrong? Why’re you here?” Nick asked. Adam rolled his eyes, and wiped his face, before explaining everything to the brothers.

Matt and Nick looked at each other, and then back at Adam.

“Look..we didn’t know it was gonna go this far. We’re sorry.” Matt replied, as he placed a hand on Adam’s shoulder. Nick looked around the lobby, before suggesting going somewhere else to talk about this, since they didn’t want any of this leaked.

So, they went to their hotel room to talk it out.

It may be a bit weird, and believe me, I realize this. But, I felt some kind of comfort with Marty. He felt warm, it was something I couldn’t really explain. I could’ve stayed there with him for hours, if I hadn’t heard my phone ding.

I sat up away from Marty to check it, I smiled when I saw who it was.

It was one of my best friends, and a fellow member of the BC, Hangman Adam Page.

I hadn’t seen him for a while, and we desperately needed to catch up. He was back in town and wanted to know what was going on with all this Twitter drama.

“Everything alright Love?”

Marty asked, with a smile, as he leaned back on my bed, using his hands for support. I nodded, and smiled as I stood and grabbed my jacket. “Yeah, it’s just Hangman. I’m gonna go meet up with him, fill him in on everything.”

He nodded. “Hey Love? You mind if I crash here, I didn’t sleep at all.” He chuckled. I shrugged, as I pulled my hair up into a loose fitting bun. “Go ahead. I’ll see you later.” I waved, as I walked out.

I met up with Hangman at the training center, and greeted him with a hug. He smiled.

“So, fill me in. What’s all of this drama I’m hearing about?” He asked, as he crossed his arms.

I took a deep breath and started from the beginning. When I was finally done with my story, I noticed him smiling. I cocked my head.

“What’s with the smile Page?”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing. So, Marty’s been a real help through all this hmm?” He asked. I nodded and smiled. “Yeah, he’s been great.”

Hangman chuckled. And I rolled my eyes. “Page, what is it?” I asked, becoming very confused. He let out a sigh.

“Okay, I wasn’t gonna say anything but..please, tell me that you realize that Marty is totally in love with you?”

My mouth fell ajar and I shook my head, in shock that he’d even say something like that.

“No he isn’t! We’re just friends.” I explained. He just shrugged, and smiled.

“If you say so..”

I hung out with Page all day, before returning to my hotel room. Marty was waiting there, he’d just woken up from a much needed nap, and smiled with tired eyes when he saw me.

I smiled back at him, then thought about what Page had said.

That’s when it hit me, there was definitely something different about me and Marty’s friendship.

I thought back, from the first time he stood up for me, then the words he never got to say at the gym.

The time he choked on the words ‘Y/N has a boyfriend.’

How he’s memorized my coffee orders, and how he took my side on everything, the way he reacted when I touched his hand.

And most importantly, I remembered how he treated me last night. How there was something he wanted to say, but didn’t-but couldn’t.

Maybe it was time I knew what it was.

“Marty?” I asked. He looked up at me, that same smile on his face. “Yes Love?”

I took a deep breath.

“Are you in love with me?”

#not my gifs #adam cole imagine #adam cole oneshot #marty scurll imagine #marty scurll oneshot

[annieandwhatever]

hi how’s it going

i’ve realised today that this is pretty much the last social media space where i can pretty much put anything, so I’m going to tell y’all about something that’s been on my mind a while. 

for one reason or another I don’t particularly want to put it in an extremely public space, but if i keep keeping it to myself I’ll explode. It’ll probably end up being a little long, so I’m pre-emptively going to put it under a cut. 

it’s been well over two years. here’s some things about my last relationship.  I also realise some of y’all know him, and if for any reason you end up reading this whole thing (which I honestly doubt bc not many people i know irl read this rubbish reblog based collection of things of mine) I’ll ask you to not judge me for what I’m putting on here, or to tell him about it. Please don’t. It’s been a long time. There’s no point. It already takes me a lot of effort to keep it away from everyone else that we share. Just let it be.

anyway. Here goes nothing.

i think just about anyone who doesn’t end up marrying a high school sweetheart has some version of The Ex. I started dating mine at the end of my first year of university. It was hilariously public in our teeny, tiny shared world. I really was naive in a whole lot of ways (I still am, really, hardly a human being) but I was as close to being in love as I thought I could be. 

Not to say that i didn’t love him, but I very sincerely think what love meant to me then and what it means to me now are worlds apart. I was an extraordinarily broken person at the end of high school, suicidal at a degree that I didn’t even understand at the time. The last time I spoke to a therapist about that time of my life had her sit back in her chair, speechless for a few minutes, at the end of which she said something to the effect of “I’m amazed you made it through. Don’t take that risk [of not seeing someone who can help] next time.”

When I met my Ex I was in a very severe and wonderful transition in my life, where I found a purpose to live, where I made friends that I finally, finally didn’t have to leave behind at a moment’s notice, where I could actually do normal things like go to a friend’s house or be out past 4pm.  I essentially realised that I was allowed to be happy, for the first time in my life, for myself. I was allowed to make decisions for myself, I was allowed to cut toxic influences out of my life, and that I could live rather than survive every day. At the end of the year it got too much and I had a strange incident where I pretty much ran away from the end of year after party celebration and, convinced that I would never be this happy ever again, got wrapped up in the idea that I should kill myself.  I didn’t tell anyone where i was. It was probably about 2 or 3 in the morning. i left my phone on a bench, I think, and stood on a wooden something and bent over to look into the ocean. I don’t remember much else, and I have no idea how much time passed, but somehow he found me. I didn’t want to die after all. I just needed someone to care.

I think he was pretty convinced that he could fix me. i didn’t realise that i didn’t need fixing, so i believed him. we embarked on a weird and wonderful relationship, and things were actually well enough that somehow I skipped past all his faults and we just didn’t address anything that was too uncomfortable.  The relationship was good. He is, to this day, a brilliant friend to have. Nothing was wrong until I left the country. 

I realise now that we had shared everything up until that point - friends, work, space, interests. I neglected my own interests if they didn’t bide well with him. I’m sure he made a handful of sacrifices as well. We melted into a single pot of aesthetic that neither of us really liked that much.  I started making friends that he would never meet. The time difference put a massive strain on our communication. He didn’t want to hear about what I was doing, he didn’t care about the wonderful people I was meeting. He was stressed about university work. I was stressed about university work.  I went to a bunch of parties and stayed true to what I thought was a healthy relationship. He disagreed. It went downhill pretty fast from there. 

I don’t think he meant to be cruel at that point. Like I said, he’s a good person as a friend and a boyfriend. When the tension got shitty enough for an actual break up, things got really bad, really fast. 

Even when things got bad I was convinced that we could work through them. I was blinded by distance and couldn’t see how many points of stress he had at the time. But when things ended properly I pushed to be friends, and what was already a Really Bad Situation got worse.  In hindsight I should have kept the messages to remind myself to never get to that point every again. I saw the arrogance, the pride and the toxicity towards his other ex girlfriends when we were dating, but was convinced that I would never be on the receiving end. Even as i was receiving message after message I looked at how I could have done better, could have been better, could have more smoothly handled the break up. 

I don’t remember the exact contents of those messages anymore, but everytime i see him name pop up on Facebook or any other social media site where we’re both active I think about how I would be blindingly drunk for two days every time I saw that he had sent me something for two months after we broke up.  It’s been over two years. He’s had well enough time to get over the anger, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget being called a cunt and a rat so many times. It was the first time in my life someone was actually so angry, so directly at me. I guess that’s pretty lucky. 

I blocked him today. It felt unbelievably soothing, if inconsequential. I know he doesn’t care anymore to even be irritated when we run into each other, or when other people mention my name. He’s cleared all those feelings out. 

But everytime one of our mutual friends (who were very adamant about staying friends with the both of us) mentions him, or even tags him on facebook I get put back in that whirlpool of mixed, highly unsafe feelings. 

I don’t need that shit. I’m in love for the first time in my life, I’ve worked through a fucking handful of past trauma from my childhood, and I’m on vacation around the world this year. The Ex can suck my dick. I’m done shying myself away from the damage he so easily wrecked and the trust he so easily tore apart because I got things to do and places to be. 

I can’t believe it took me this long. I can’t wait to stop caring. 

#should probably really put trigger warnings on this #TW suicidal thoughts #TW self harm #to be safe #cheers to literally anyone who can make it through that #personal

[alyricalberry]

All These Things That I’ve Done || Self-Para

Who: Rachel Berry with an appearance by Hiram and Leroy Berry

Where: The Berry home in Columbus, Ohio.

When: March 2nd, 2017 

What: Hiram and Leroy call Rachel home after being notified that she was charged with obstruction of justice following the events of Samhain. Rachel’s big mouth then gets her into more trouble. I.e. why Rachel has been gone for two months. Definitely not bc Raven is the worst.

Note: Anyone who is close friends with Rachel/has classes with her/is in a club with her would have interacted with her. She’s just been absent from Tumblr.

Warnings: None!

Rachel was nervous.

Usually when her dads called her home, they did so with a promise that they would spend lots of time together. It was always happy. This time was different. Hiram’s voice had been very serious on the phone, simply telling her that they’d called NYADA to arrange a portal for her for the next day and that they’d be waiting for her on the other side.

Rachel was worried. Was something wrong? The only other time she ever remembered Hiram using that serious tone with her was when she was six and had used her magic to “accidentally” make the lead ballerina in a show she was in sprain her ankle, thus giving herself the lead spot.

As she stepped into the portal, Rachel tried not to overthink it too much. Maybe they were acting serious so that she wouldn’t expect a surprise party or something when she got home. She definitely wouldn’t put it past them.

And when she stepped out of the portal, there were her dads, smiling happily at her. She hugged them tightly and followed them to the car. Maybe she’d imagined the whole thing. Maybe they just wanted to see her.

However, when they got to the house, they asked her to go sit at the dining room table, sitting across from her.

“Is everything okay?” Rachel asked with a frown, eyeing the papers Hiram set before them. “You two aren’t breaking up, are you? Please tell me that isn’t why you called me home.”

Leroy chuckled and reached for her hand. “No, Rach, that’s not why we called you home. Don’t worry,” he told her reassuringly.

“We called you home, button, because of this letter we received from the Cardines telling us you were being charged with obstruction of justice,” Hiram said, raising a brow at his daughter.

“Oh... I can... I can explain that,” Rachel said, sitting up straighter. She’d barely had time to come to terms with the events of Halloween herself. How was she going to explain it to her dads? Would they even believe her? She hadn’t believed Adam when he told her that something strange had happened that night. Would her dads not believe her either? She didn’t know. But she knew she had to try.

“It was Halloween. I went to the Greenwich parade with Blaine and Tina and Adam and Elliott. Everything was fine until this... door appeared out of nowhere. It said something to Blaine and then he got swallowed up by it. Then the door started moving, so we followed it. It eventually opened again and Adam, Tina and I wanted to go in after Blaine. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I’m the only one that got through. I ended up in the forest on the NYADA campus and ran into a few other people. We were trying to find Blaine but then these Cardines came in and told us to go back to campus. But what were we supposed to do? I was worried about Blaine. So, I may have fought back... a little. That’s where the charge comes from,” Rachel said all at once, her hands fidgeting the whole way through.

Looking up at her dads, she could tell they didn’t believe her. Of course, they didn’t. It sounded ridiculous. Or maybe... were they affected by the same memory wipe the Cardines had put on everyone on campus? She barely had time to think about it before Leroy reached for her hand again.

“Rachel, how come we never heard about any of this? This kind of event would make the news somehow,” he said.

Rachel sighed. “I’m not sure. After we gave our statements, the Cardines wiped all our memories. I only remembered this a few weeks ago...” she said. “I know it sounds like a crazy story, but I promise it’s true. I wouldn’t lie about this. I can put you in touch with Adam or someone. They can back up the story. But I was just trying to help my friend and I was frustrated because the Cardines weren’t letting me.”

Hiram sighed. “We believe you, Rachel. I’m not that surprised to hear that the Cardines would have done a large-scale memory wipe like that,” he said. “However, I do agree with them on one thing. You should have gone somewhere safe, not jumped into a random floating door. You could have gotten hurt, Rach!”

“Daddy, please, I would have been fine. I’m a stronger fighter than I was before. I’ve been training with my friend Santana, and I’ve been doing well in my Field Studies classes,” Rachel said.

“That’s beside the point, Rachel. You’re nineteen, you’ve barely had time to develop your powers to be as strong as they can be. Even Barbra Streisand had to wait until she was in her twenties to star in Funny Girl,” Hiram said. “Even if the Cardines can be shady, they were there to protect you that night, and you should have listened to them.”

“My age has nothing to do with how skilled I am. I came this close to winning Midnight Madness, you know. I probably would have if Mike hadn’t broken up with me the night before.”

The minute the words were out of her mouth, Rachel knew they were a mistake. The look on her dads’ faces only confirmed that. She had no idea if they knew what Midnight Madness was, but the name sounded bad enough that they didn’t need to know.

“I’m sorry, Midnight Madness?” Leroy said. “Rachel, tell me you didn’t.”

Rachel just shrugged, knowing that saying anything else would get her in more trouble.

“What’s Midnight Madness?” Hiram interjected. “We’ll get back to the Mike issue later, by the way.”

“Midnight Madness is this stupid competition where students duel each other for a meaningless crown. A few of my friends participated when I was at NYADA,” Leroy said.

“It’s not meaningless,” Rachel muttered.

“It’s also highly dangerous. So many students get hurt, Rachel! What’s happened to you? You used to hate offensive spells,” Leroy continued.

Rachel sighed. “I don’t know... I just wanted to win, I guess, and show that I was strong.”

“You can show you’re strong by enhancing your spells and doing well in school, Rachel. That’s why we let you go to NYADA, not so you could participate in illegal duels and risk your life when mysterious floating doors are involved,” Hiram said. “Listen, Rach, we aren’t angry with you. We’ve already paid the fine. We just wanted to know what happened. And I think it’s a good thing we asked you to come home.”

Rachel’s shoulders slumped slightly. “Thank you. I really appreciate it. I’m fine, though, really. I know everything sounds bad, but I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry,” she said.

Hiram raised a brow. “We are going to worry, Rachel Berry. That’s our job. You need to stop being reckless, sweetheart. Your ambition is inspiring, but there are real world consequences, and you need to be careful. Especially in the next few mo-”

“Hiram,” Leroy interjected, giving his husband a stern look.

Rachel frowned. “What are you saying?”

Hiram took a deep breath. “We’re saying that we don’t want you participating in any more dangerous... activities. I don’t think your powers are truly strong enough to protect you from actual danger,” he said. “If you get in trouble again, Rachel, it might be best if you came home, or maybe go to another school. I doubt Magic Harvard has as much drama as NYADA seems to have.”

Rachel’s jaw dropped. “That’s not fair! You’ve always had faith in my magic and now you suddenly think I’m weak?” She didn’t even know how to react. Her emotions had already been all over the place because of everything that had happened in the last few months, and now this? Her dads didn’t even trust her?

“Honey, you’re very talented, everyone knows that. But you’ve only been working on your EvoDest spells for a couple years now,” Leroy said. “You can’t jump into danger when you can’t adequately protect yourself, though. Just focus on your schoolwork, okay? It’s what’s best.”

Rachel sighed and thought for a second before nodding. “Okay. I’m sorry to have worried you,” she said. “I’m just going to go unpack my bag, okay? Maybe we can order takeout after?”

“That sounds great,” Hiram said.

Rachel nodded and kissed both of them before going up to her room. She lay on her bed and pulled out her phone, wanting to talk to someone about what had just happened. By who? Mike was out of the question. She and Tina were still on shaky ground. Definitely not Santana. She didn’t want to worry Sam, and she didn’t feel like talking to Adam. Blaine would be the best option but... after everything that happened to him with Ripley... or Marcos, Rachel knew he needed to rest. Not to mention that Rachel felt incredibly guilty for not having stepped in and helped him earlier.

She threw down her phone on the bed and ran a hand through her hair. Maybe laying low for a while would be best. She’d gotten herself into so many messes over her first year at NYADA. Time to focus on her schoolwork would probably do her some good and allow things to settle down...

#para: all these things that i've done #//this is so long wtf #tag: berrydads

[reaverdrawssometimes]

hnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNN I’VE BEEN IN THE MOOD TO TALK ABOUT MY SEAHORSE BOY FOR SO LONG, SO HERE’S SOME USELESS FACTS ABOUT HIM >3>;;;;;;put it under a read more bc it got long

-I may sometimes call him a tsun, but the real root of Tatsu’s adamant need to keep a distance/mouth off when he shouldn’t/blatantly deny friendship lies within a deeply ingrained fear of abandonment, and the sometimes-paralyzing anxiety associated with it. He is constantly afraid that history will repeat itself, and that those he lets in will inevitably leave him. What he does/how he behaves is often the result of a very poor attempt at making sure he isn’t in a position to be hurt again.        To try to put it a little more simply, a lot of it has to do with control. When he was younger, and left all alone, he had no control over his fate, and with so little direction regarding how to deal with his own emotions, the anger and fear of that situation festered within him. He became reactive and bitter, trying to put distance between himself and anyone who ever ran the chance of becoming close to him again. He found that it was easier to drive people away, and claim that he was alone by choice, rather than actively try to make friends, only to run the risk of being left all alone anyway. The problem with that, however, was that at no point was he actually able to stop himself from being the bleeding-heart he’d always been. His coping mechanisms, his mess of an attempt at self-protection, were constantly at odds with a very strong desire to help others, and a genuine concern for the wellbeing of people around him, strangers and all. Despite what he may say, or how he may act, his affections are quite easily won, and simply giving him the time of day, or snarking back at him is often enough to make yourself endearing to him. That being said, there’s a large dissonance between what he thinks he wants (to be alone), and what he actually needs (a stable group of friends/people he can trust). He’ll delude himself, and say that there’s no real friendship forming, that there’s no real risk of becoming too attached to people he, by chance, meets with. For as well as he thinks he knows himself (a lonely introvert like him spends entirely too much time in his own mind), he never actually catches himself in time to realize that his own delusions make for paper thin walls. If the other person acknowledges him as a friend, then the situation becomes entirely too real to him, and that pitiful defense of his crumbles in the wake of this revelation. It is then when he runs the risk of ruining things for the sake of protecting himself.      To actually try to put it simply, he has an alarming tendency towards self-sabotage, and while his first few meetings with people may actually go well, it’s really the later moments that you have to watch out for. At any second, he may become all too aware of how vulnerable he feels just having others around, and may accordingly lash out. He never feels good about it (he quite often hates himself for it, but thinks it a necessary evil. Protect himself now, early on, before they truly have the chance to hurt him), but the thought of talking things out, or paying attention to his real emotions is entirely foreign to him.

-Emotional health lol, what emotional health

-When he was little, he was entirely concerned with pleasing others (notably, his parents). That concern didn’t so much fade as get buried under his more aggressive demeanor. Even now, the thought of disappointing others is a very real fear to him.

-He loves water. Loves the rain, loves the rivers, ponds, and oceans, but Arceus help him, he does not like hot springs. Despite being water/dragon, and essentially being about as fire resistant as one can get without having flash fire as an ability, he very much hates the heat and steam. Funnily enough, he is very partial towards fire types. Hot springs are a no-go for him, though.

-Tatsu has very little experience with physical affection, and more often than not, doesn’t know what to do with it. His mother had never been very kind to him from the beginning. When Tatsu, as a young horsea, caught glimpses of other children getting hugs from their parents, he would often turn to her to seek that same affection. But what use was that, she always wondered aloud. As a seadra with poison point, she would only run the risk of hurting him! Besides, he was a big boy, and he didn’t need anything like a silly hug. Did he want her to hurt him, want to make a bad person out of his mother? What a crass child he was! The young horsea very quickly learned not to ask, instead taking whatever scrap of verbal praise she would give him. It was ingrained in his mind, however, that what he was to become was something very bad, if even his own mother wasn’t allowed to touch him. He never wanted to change, but his mother, and the small village he came from, had other desires. The day he became a seadra was probably one of the worst days in his life. He came to see himself as something dangerous, a walking hazard to anyone around him. At that point in his life, he was still quite secluded and rarely interacted with much of the other villagers, but the fear of hurting someone fixed itself in his mind. It would be a while yet before he at last became a kingdra, but after years of living with that thought looming over him, he still sometimes acts as though he might hurt someone. It’s a leftover reaction, if nothing else, and even a simple touch can sometimes be enough to cause him to snap at you, or pull away. Sometimes, it’s out of genuine concern for the other person, rising to the surface before he has the chance to remember that he is past that stage in his life. Others, it’s more out of aggression than anything else. He spent so long without consistent physical affection that it often leaves him uncomfortable, particularly if it is done without warning.

-I feel like that’s a lot of sad stuff so far so lET ME JUST SAY THAT TATSU IS ACTUALLY AN AWKWARD DORK like once you’ve managed to win his affection/SOME of his trust he is just… a puppy. A snippy puppy, but a puppy nonetheless. Since his understanding of physical contact is just a huge ‘????????,’ like… sometimes he’ll just bump his forehead against someone’s shoulder as a wEIRD SIGN OF AFFECTION?? it’s AWKWARD but it is less invasive/restrictive than a hug, in his opinion, so the other person can immediately pull away if they don’t want to deal with him lmao

-Listen, if you actually get Tatsu to the point where he is comfortable with you/the idea of being physically affectionate towards you, then he is absolutely up for cuddles. Some days are probably better than others, tbh. Sometimes the cuddles can go on for a while, and sometimes he has to pull away, bc it’s still so foreign to him, and it’s not that he dislikes it in that moment, he just has to adjust bc it becomes… too much, at times.

-The kids he adopted are pretty much the exceptions to most of his rules when dealing with people. The ‘bleeding-heart’ aspect of him won the battle with those two. It may be that he finds a certain sort of security in knowing that they won’t leave him. They need him, at least, depend on him. No other adult or peer will ever need him, as far as he’s concerned. That being said, he gives his all for these kids. He can fuck up any other aspect of his life, grind himself, his aspirations into dust, but he can’t let himself mess up with the kids, ever. He’s distinctly determined to turn out better than his parents were, even if the thought of actually being a parent is terrifying to him. But, he loves them, and it’s important that he feels like he’s allowed to love them. That there’s no catch to putting his whole heart into it.

-Tatsu likes to sing and dance (tho the dancing tends to come with it’s own baggage, in a way), and particularly likes to do both of those in the rain. Honestly, one of the best times to catch him is when it’s raining bc his mood just gets a boost, and you can very easily catch a glimpse of him being the dork he was always meant to be.

-More often than not, you’ll find him wandering Gale Spring at night. Once night comes, and he’s left with nothing but his thoughts, he tends to get very anxious, and worries over little things, as there’s no longer work/the children to keep his mind busy. He’ll wander around until he exhausts himself, then goes back home. Truthfully, Tatsu doesn’t sleep quite as much as he should, as a result.

-Ticklish af. The kids haven’t figured this out yet, but when they do, I’m pretty sure his life is going to become Hell™ for a few days.

-He is very ignorant about a lot of things because of how he was raised. He’s not necessarily stupid, but he often doesn’t have a grasp of what others might consider common knowledge. He is perceptive, however, and perhaps one of the benefits of constantly having an ‘on-guard’ sort of personality is that he picks up on a lot of things, and has an easy time remembering them.

-Has a soft spot for sweet/gentle people, and is generally most comfortable around those who are honest/upfront with him. He naturally becomes protective of them very quickly.

-Speaking of his protectiveness, I like to think that there’s something more… primal/volatile about those who fall under the Dragon typing. There’s a fierceness in Tatsu that wasn’t there as a child, and it can’t all be attributed to the emotional trauma he went through. There’s a part of him that likes to fight, that feels a certain satisfaction in being able to win a battle. Most of that fierceness, however, manifests as an intense desire to protect his own. Other than that, he feels a very deep connection to the nature around him, and is acutely attuned to the weather. Few things excite him or rile him up as much as a huge storm does. Among the flashes of lightning and the roar of thunder, he feels entirely alive.

-The village he was raised in was a very small, closed-off place by the sea. They rarely mingled with anyone but their own, and most, if not all villagers, were water-types. It was a place that held Palkia in the highest of regards, and that fact was actually the thing that affected most of Tatsu’s young life. Convinced that they could communicate with their chosen/patron god, Tatsu was actually being groomed to be a sort of… conduit. Although he was a horsea, born to seadra parents who at no point, achieved their final evolution, the villagers/shrine-keepers held high hopes for him. To them, the kingdra, being a fellow water/dragon, was as close as they could get to a true representative of Palkia. Most of his days were spent either with his parents or at the shrine, and he actually saw very little of his small village. What they sought was an oracle to lead them, although they did not know how to achieve a kingdra’s evolution. There’s a lot more about this I have to cement, but to summarize, his lack of socialization and knowledge about the outside was entirely on purpose on part of the villagers. The less he knew/saw, the more ‘pure’ and malleable he was. Rain Dance, something he is proud of, something that gives him great joy, was actually something taught to him as a means of prayer to Palkia. He didn’t really have all the pieces together when he was younger, however, and even now doesn’t really know what the purpose of everything was, or what was actually going on behind the scenes. He just knows that when it was clear that he wouldn't become strong enough to become a kingdra, he was quite forcibly abandoned (joke’s on them). It had more to do with his mother than anything else, but religion leaves an entirely sour taste in his mouth now. Faith is an important aspect of his character, but right now, he’s at a point where all he can do is question what he considers blind beliefs.

-You’d think he’s a stern parent but he’s actually the one who does n o t know how to say no to his kids lmfao. Those two have got him wrapped around their fingers.

#tatsu #pokimono #sometimes u gotta write nearly four pages of crap in nearly as many hours bc u havE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT UR OWN DUMB CHARACTER #but fhilsdfnlkdsnkfjsd his personality is a pain sometimes so i wanted to write out his thought process on things #but also i needed to get out some more of his history. #i have more thoughts on it but i figured this is enough for now #unless someone wants to know something more #i d o n t think anyone actually checks the pokimono tag on tumblr tho lol so i may just put this up as a DA journal #i'm just----//screams into the void #i love my son so much