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watchmegetobsessed · 3 years

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TO LOVE AND BE LOVED - Part Six (Harry Styles)

a/n: LAST PART OMG!! im a little emotional this story has come to its end but it already ended up like twice as long as i planned it to be haha! thank you so much for reading and loving the story, it means so much to me and i loved seeing your reactions as the plot developped! i hope you guys will be happy with the ending our pair got and i can’t wait to read your thoughts about the series as a whole!!

pairing: CEO!Dad!Harry X Reader

warning: mentions of death, cheating and divorce, sexual content

word count: 14.8k

SERIES MASTERPOST masterlist

Waking up next to Harry is probably your most favorite thing in the entire world right now and you’ve been able to experience it every morning since you dropped Izzy off at Anne’s. You’re missing her like crazy and can’t wait to have her back, but part of you is desperate to stretch these days as long as possible, because you’re not sure if Harry will be comfortable with you sleeping in his room once his little one is back under the roof.

It’s always the same, yet you can’t get enough of it. Harry grumbles as he turns the alarm off, snuggles back to you for just a few minutes before he forces himself to take a shower. In the meantime you start breakfast and his coffee waits for him ready by the time he joins you in the kitchen. You eat together, sometimes talking, sometimes just silently enjoying each other’s presence and it’s the perfect way to start your days.

Then Harry is off to work and you go for whatever shooting you had planned for the day. Luckily, you’ve been keeping yourself busy. If your day ended early, you always found something else to do, you picked Trevor up another time and also managed to have lunch with Harry on Thursday which was such a nice change, even if it was just eating takeout in his office because you were in the neighborhood and he had some time to see you.

Now it’s Friday and you’re spending it with some editing and eventually packing, since you’re leaving to the countryside for Sarah and Mitch’s wedding when Harry comes home. You’ve been looking forward to this weekend all week, you had a few phone calls with Sarah and the two of you hit it off quite well, you can’t wait to finally attend the wedding. And also because Harry is coming with you, so it’ll be a kind of weekend getaway even though the two of you have been alone home all week.

Harry runs a little late from work so you leave about an hour later than you planned, but it’s all good, since nothing is planned for the evening, you just wanted to be at the location on time. It’s going to be a small wedding, nothing extra and it’s held in an inn near the beach, the perfect spot in your opinion, especially because even the weather seems to be celebration the occasion and it won’t be raining cats and dogs.

Heather: A double date? I don’t know, who’s the guy?

You’re texting Heather in the car and you finally bring up the possibility of going on a double date with Niall.

Y/N: Photo attachment

Y/N: He is a cool guy, I think you would like him!

Heather: He surely is hot! Alright, we’ll see. Anyway, have fun with your super hot and rich boyfriend this weekend! Tell me all about the wedding next week!

Y/N: Thanks!

Your eyes scan over the word boyfriend. You didn’t want to correct her and tell her that you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, just dating, because you kind of enjoy the thought of being an official item. It’s been just a few weeks since it all started and you know that Harry needs to take things in his own pace, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like to play with the thought.

You’re aching to finally call him your boyfriend or what’s better, hear him call you his girlfriend. The thought of calling this man yours is making you go nuts but you need to be patient with him. He has gone through so much change lately, you can’t let your silliness ruin it for the both of you.

It’s late by the time you arrive to the Inn and you both feel exhausted from the ride so you want nothing else than to get a good night sleep before the wedding tomorrow.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Sarah greets the two of you when you walk into the Inn. She envelopes you in a warm hug before doing the same with Harry. IN the meanwhile, Mitch has also appeared and he greets you with a short hug as well before giving a brotherly hug to Harry. “Had a safe ride?”

“Yeah, everything went fine,” you nod smiling.

“Great. Well, here is your room key, made sure you two are getting one of the larger rooms,” Sara smiles slyly, but you’re taken aback by something else.

“We’re sharing a room?” you ask turning to Harry, who seems nervous about your question, though it wasn’t your intention to make him ashamed in any kind of way.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, Sarah asked me this week which room I want and I told her we would be sharing… Is that okay? We-we could ask for a room for you as well if y—“ “Harry,” you chuckles softly, giving his hand a squeeze. “I would love to share, I just wasn’t expecting you to want to do the same is all,” you tell him and you can see the relief in his eyes instantly.

You talk over a few things with Sarah before taking your stuff up to the room and calling it a night. Harry takes a shower first in the small bathroom that’s joined to your room and in the meantime you hang your dress up so it doesn’t get too wrinkly by the morning. Then you just get all your equipment done, making sure everything is full and loaded for the big day tomorrow. When Harry is done you take your turn and the hot shower feels nice, quite relaxing. Walking out you find Harry lying in bed, typing on his phone, he smiles up at you when you join him in bed.

“My mum sent me this. They went to the park today.” He turns the screen towards you and a photo of Izzy is shown with ice-cream all over her face, grinning happily into the camera.

“She could literally live on ice-cream,” you chuckle, making yourself comfortable under the sheets.

“And gummy bears,” Harry chuckles before locking his phone and putting it to the side table. He is quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his side and you smile as you snuggle to him, enjoying the heat of his body. “Good night, love,” he murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

“Good night, H,” you softly reply before letting yourself drift to sleep within seconds.

You already have a lot of experience with weddings and no matter how big or small it is, the day is always a little bit chaotic, everyone is all over the place, there’s no time for just messing around, especially for you.

Following a nice breakfast with Harry on the tiny balcony that’s connected to your room, you are forced to part since Harry is supposed to be with all the other guys, getting ready in the room that’s reserved for Mitch, while you kind of need to be everywhere at the same time, but you obviously spend the most time with Sarah, wanting to capture all her best moments.

Sometime around noon you get about an hour off while everyone else is getting lunch and Harry texts you to join him on the mole down the beach that runs just below the inn. When you arrive he is already sitting on one of the old wood benches with a pizza box on his lap.

“Hey,” you smile softly and leaning down you peck his lips quickly before joining him on the bench.

“The boy ordered pizza and I got one for us too, hope it’s okay.”

“Of course, I didn’t even think about lunch until you texted,” you chuckle as he settles the box between the two of you and you both take a slice.

“So how are the photos coming up so far?”

“Good, I’ll have a ton of editing to do, but I think they will like the outcome.”

“Can I have a sneak peek of them?” he smirks playfully, but you shake your head.

“No, the first ones to see them will be Sarah and Mitch, sorry,” you chuckle as he pouts his lips at you, but goes back to his slice right after.

You both are just enjoying the quiet for a little, having had a busy day so far, exchanging very few words, but it’s still a nice time spent together. It is just the two of you until a guy approaches you on the mole.

“Hey guys! Mitch wondered where you went, H,” he smirks down at Harry before his eyes land on you. He is tall, but not as tall as Harry, rocking a noticeable beard and he is wearing the same outfit as Harry: maroon pants with a crispy white dress shirt. “Oh, you’re the photographer, right?” he smiles at you.

“Yeah, I’m Y/N,” you answer nicely, holding out a hand for him.

“I’m Landon, Mitch’s cousin,” he nods with a charming smile. “Sorry for interrupting your lunch guys. Just wanted to let you know that Mitch wants to do a round of shots when everyone’s back,” he chuckles.

“He is gonna be so hammered,” Harry chuckles shaking his head. “I’ll be back soon, thanks Landon.”

“No worries. I’ll see you around, Y/N,” he smiles at you before turning around and walking back to the inn. You catch Harry’s eyes for a moment and you have a guess what he is thinking about. Landon seemed to like you, with his flirty smiles and friendly introduction, he was surely thinking about shooting his shot, but he might not know that you’re dating Harry.

However he doesn’t say anything, just continues to eat his lunch in silence and quite frankly, you forget about Landon’s existence pretty fast.

After lunch it gets a bit hectic. The ceremony is starting at 3, so you don’t have much time left. You do the first look reveal thing and this time their son, James is included in it, which is honestly such a pure moment and capturing it feels like a privilege.

Soon enough the guests are starting to arrive and you quickly run up to the room to change into your dress. Most of the time you are not required to dress up for the job, but you like to blend into the crowd so you usually choose to wear a nice dress and you’re doing the same this time as well. You’ve brought a pastel yellow satin dress that teases a little cleavage, and you pair it with a cream colored cardigan, creating a simple but still elegant look for the rest of the day. You’re fixing your makeup in a hurry when the door opens and Harry walks in.

He immediately stops in his tracks upon seeing you in front of the mirror, his eyes traveling down the lengths of your body, a stunned expression adorning his handsome features.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were… in here,” he mumbles and you can see the blush forming on his cheeks. “You look… You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you chuckle softly. He takes a few steps closer to you and reaching up he brushes a loose strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers leaving a trail of delicate touch on the side of your face.

Leaning down his lips hover over yours for a moment, as if he was giving you the chance to pull back, but who are you to deny anything from Harry Styles? So when you stay in place, he finally presses his lips to yours in a slow and tender kiss filled with passion. His hands cup your face in his and you bring yours up to wrap around his wrists as you kiss him back, already craving more than just a kiss.

But it feels like you are not the only one growing hungrier with the seconds, one of Harry’s hands wander down to your butt and you feel his palm’s warmth through the thin layer of your dress, though you wish there was nothing between his skin and yours. When he starts kissing down your jawline and neck, pushing you backwards you hate to break the moment, but there’s no time for any funny business. So painfully, but you pull back, already missing his lips on yours.

“I would really love to continue this, but I need to be with Sarah in about three minutes,” you chuckle softly.

“Yeah, I need to get back to Mitch too,” he sighs, pecking the corner of your mouth before his arms fall from around you.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” you smile up at him, fixing the collar of his shirt.

“Yeah,” he smiles with a boyish smile before you part ways again.

All through the ceremony you are kind of all over the place, trying to get the best shots, you don’t have much time to spare. Sarah’s entrance with her dad and James walking down the aisle is so beautiful and you get some amazing shots of Mitch’s emotions upon seeing his future wife. They tell their vows, touching every guest with their sweet words to each other and then they finally say ‘I do’ and become husband and wife.

You snap a series of photos of that moment as well, but then you allow yourself to peek over at Harry who is already watching you with a soft smile. You can feel yourself blushing, his gaze is warm but also quite intimidating in this sentimental moment.

And then the party finally starts. You try to follow the newly weds around as much as possible, but you also get around the tent, shooting pictures of the guests as well. You only get to have a few moments with Harry, because either you need to rush off or sometimes someone finds him and wants to have a few words. He is quite popular among the guests, but it’s no surprise. You’d want to have the chance to talk to him too if you saw him.

“Have you even had a bite yet?” A male voice calls out for you when you’re trying to sneak from one point to the other. Glancing over your shoulder you see Landon with a drink in his hand.

“I’ll eat later. The dance is about to happen so I need to be ready for that,” you smile at him.

“Mitch told me they found a really good photographer, but he surely forgot to mention how devoted you are. I’m excited to see the photos.”

“Thanks, I’m trying my best,” you chuckle.

“Save me a dance later?”

“Oh, um, sure,” you nod with a nervous chuckle. “But I really gotta go now,” you excuse yourself before he could even get another word out.

As you slalom between the tables you spot Harry sitting at one of them and he is staring at Landon from across the room, a not too friendly look plastered across his face. You wonder if he has seen you talking to him and now he is feeling jealous or if you’re just seeing things. But you don’t have much time to ponder on it, work is calling you.

As the happy couple share their first dance, soon enough more and more guests join them and you’re standing at the side, snapping the cute dance partners slow dancing to the music with Sarah and Mitch in the middle. You’re adjusting the settings on your camera, when a tall figure appears in front of you.

“May I have a dance?” Harry asks, holding out a hand for you like a true gentleman.

“Oh, I should—“

“If you are about to say you should be taking pictures, the bride told me to ask you,” he tells you with a soft chuckle and as your eyes fall on Sarah, she is smiling in your way happily, nodding her approval to get off duty for just a little.

“Then, I would love to,” you smile shyly, taking Harry’s hand as he takes you to the dance floor. Placing his hands to your waist he pulls you close to him while you rest your arms around his neck, swaying to the rhythm very gently.

“I always get a little emotional at weddings,” he confesses with a small smile.

“Yeah? Why?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I just… love seeing people in love. Especially when they are my friends,” he adds chuckling.

“It really is a nice thing.”

Harry pulls you tighter against him, his cheek pressing against the side of your head and you let your eyes fall closed for a few seconds, enjoying this moment with him. He starts to softly him the song and his voice flows through your ears smoothly, you’re in awe how good his voice is. He never told you he is a good singer too above being an amazing producer.

When the song ends some couples stay, but some make their way off the dance floor and you have to get back to your job as well. Leaning back you squeeze Harry’s arm as his hands fall from your frame too.

“Save a slice from the cake for me,” you smile at him and he nods with a smirk.

“I will. I’ll have it ready for you at the table.”

You place a short kiss to his cheek before you disappear from his sight, leaving him alone again.

The night carries on as usual, sometime after dinner your phone dies so you leave it on the charger up in your room before running back down. The party starts to unfold as the time passes, more drinks are being consumed and this is kind of your secret favorite part, because the more people drink, the more they are willing to pose for funny pictures. This is the time that births the best group photos, in your opinion.

Though you are having an amazing time, you can feel yourself growing tired. When it’s finally cake time you take some time off to sit with Harry who saved you a slice, just as you asked him. It’s nice to have a breather, just enjoy the evening with him by your side again.

“Mm, didn’t know you could eat icing without getting it all over my face,” you tease him, referring back to the time you made such a mess out of the kitchen when you tried to make cupcakes for him.

“Very funny,” he narrows his eyes at you, before dipping his finger into the icing and wiping it onto your nose.

“Hey!” you pout at him, cleaning it up, but he just smirks at you playfully before pecking your lips shortly. It’s the first time he is kissing you in with so many people around and it surely makes you giddy, knowing that he is not trying to hide you in any way.

Weddings are a lot of fun, but they always stretch so long. The party can last till the morning sometimes and you can’t just decide to call it a night and stop doing your job, you need to be there until the DJ shuts the music off and all guests disappear. And it seems like this wedding won’t be any shorter either.

It’s already past midnight when you decide to sneak out for a short break. You’ve been on your feet for way too long and you stole some food too. You hesitated if you should sit back to your table, but you felt like you could use some quiet so you left the tent and found a bench nearby.

As you sit and eat the food you snatched from the buffet table, you hope the party won’t last until the Sun comes up. You get so into your own little world that you almost don’t even notice the approaching tall figure.

“Having a break, huh?” Landon calls out as the gravel crunches under his fancy dress shoes.

“Ah, yeah. I needed a few minutes away from the music,” you chuckle softly. Landon stops in front of you and hides his hands in his pockets as he blinks down at you with tired looking eyes. It might be from the long night, but you are guessing the drinks he’s been consuming don’t help his energy either.

“May I say that you look really pretty? I haven’t been to many weddings yet, but the photographers went for the more comfortable look since they are not on the photos, but you chose to glam yourself.”

“Thanks,” you chuckle softly. “I like to blend into the guests.”

“Well, you don’t blend in this way either, because you look prettier than most women in that tent,” he compliments you and you’re starting to feel awkward. It’s not that you don’t like it when someone is talking highly of you, but it’s obvious what Landon wants and you are definitely not on the same page.

“Um, thank you.”

“I’m sorry if I come off too brash or pushy, but I promised myself I would never miss a chance to compliment a pretty woman when I see one.”

“That’s nice, but I’m afraid I’m not the right person to spend your energy on,” you answer with a tight-lipped smile. Landon narrows his eyes at you, but keeps his playful manner.

“So you don’t find me good-looking, is that it?” he teases and you shake your head with a soft chuckle.

“That’s not what I was talking about.”

“Then you like to break hearts, right? You must enjoy making men fall for you,” he carries on with his little joke and just as you’re about to speak up to tell him you are seeing someone, Harry’s familiar deep voice interrupts the conversation.

“There you are, I’ve been calling you.” He is talking to you, but his eyes are clearly glued to the man standing in front of you.

“Oh, my phone is in the room, I had to charge it,” you tell him.

“What are you guys doing out here?” he asks, clearly not liking the situation, you and Landon alone outside with no one else around. Jealousy is dripping from his eyes that appear so much darker now in the dim lighting.

“I’ve been dumped by this amazing woman right here,” Landon sighs dramatically and Harry cocks an eyebrow at him before glancing over at you.

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, she is clearly not interested in me, my charm didn’t work on her,” he laughs lightheartedly.

“I hope it didn’t because she is my girlfriend,” Harry answers simply and your lips part at what he just called you.

Landon stumbles back, his smile quickly vanishes from his face as he stares back at Harry. You feel like you’re watching some kind of documentary movie where male animals are trying to win over the female, only that Landon stands no chance in this situation, but you find it quite funny.

“Man, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t—I didn’t know!” he apologizes right away as he realizes why Harry has been kind of spicy around him. Landon then faces you. “Y/N, I didn’t mean to make it awkward and all that, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine,” you smile at him nicely. He mumbles something about checking up on Mitch before walking away, leaving you and Harry alone. He joins you on the bench, staring after Landon for a few moments before turning to face you. A much softer expression is showing on his face this time.

“So, you just called me your girlfriend,” you point out, trying your best to hold your growing smirk back.

“I, uhh—I did, didn’t I?” he chuckles nervously. “I’m sorry, it just slipped out, because I didn’t like how Landon was trying to chat you up all night…”

“So you didn’t…. You didn’t mean it?” you ask, furrowing your eyebrows, feeling yourself growing disappointed.

“Well, I… I mean, I didn’t mean to say it like that, without discussing it with you, but… I would love to call you my girlfriend,” he admits shyly and you can’t believe that this nervous man next to you is the same man who owns a record label and manages his million dollars business every day without a problem.

“I like the sound of that,” you smirk, leaning closer to him so your noses are almost touching.

“Yeah?” he smiles, a lot more relieved and playfully than he was a moment ago.

“Mhm,” you nod, biting your lip. You blindly put your plate to the side before cupping his face in both of your hands and pulling him in for a kiss, your first one as boyfriend and girlfriend. Part of you feels silly that it makes you so ecstatic, like you’re a high school girl, but in this moment you couldn’t care less.

What starts as a sweet and innocent kiss quickly turns into something more, something heated. When Harry’s hands find your bare thighs and they slightly slide under your dress you can’t help but yearn for more, pulling him closer as your tongues meet. Your fingers lace through his curls, tugging on them gently and you’re fighting the urge to throw a leg over him and just sit on his lap straddling him. When he starts kissing down your jawline and neck, you have to stop him for the second time today, not that you wanted to do it anytime, but the time and place hasn’t been right.

“We can’t…” you sigh, pulling back even though every fiber in your body is telling you otherwise. Harry lets out a long sigh, nodding his head.

“Yeah, I know.”

“But hopefully, the party will end soon and then we will be all alone in our room,” you smirk at him slyly and it brings back the shine into his eyes.

“I can’t wait,” he mumbles before kissing you one last time.

From that moment, Harry lingers around you at all times for the rest of the night. He is always either right by your side, or within a few feet away from you, keeping an eye on you, but not in an obsessive and intrusive kind of way. His eyes are filled with lust every time you share a look at each other and you can tell he can’t wait for the party to finally be over. Whenever he is next to you, he makes sure to touch you in any kind of way. Placing his palm to the small of your back, your arm or your hips, or when you sit next to each other he rests his hand on your thigh or knee without hesitation. And you are loving all the affection you are being showered with.

By the time the wedding officially ends and you can finally call it a night, you are both touch starved and hungry for each other. Harry pulls you against him on the stairs up to your room, not even giving a damn that you are still out in the public. His mouth attacks you hungrily, kissing you anywhere he can reach as the two of you stumble up your way to the room.

Pushing the door open you basically fall inside, giggling against Harry’s lips as he shuts the door closed and presses you up against it, making you gasp at the action. He is so much more demanding and confident than the last time you shared an intimate moment and though you’re not sure how far he is planning to go, you know you are ready to give him anything he desires.

“As much as I love this dress on you, it needs to go,” he playfully smirks as his hands bunch your dress up on your thigh before grabbing it and pulling it off your body, leaving you only in your underwear so fast.

Your lips find his as your fingers work fast on the buttons of his shirt while you inch further into the room towards the bed. You both kick your shoes off on the way and when you fall to the mattress Harry’s shirt is already gone. He climbs above you as you sink into the way too many pillows and you blindly throw a few off the bed to give you more space. Harry licks into your mouth one last time before he moves down your neck and collarbones, peppering your heated skin with his kisses, his hands already sliding under your back to unclasp your bra. Arching your back you give him space to do the task on hand and a few moments later you are lying under him with your chest completely bare. His name falls from your lips as a whimper when his mouth comes in contact with your left nipple, kissing, licking and sucking on it while his hand kneads your other breast before he switches, giving both sides the same amount of attention. Your fingers lace through his unruly curls as you enjoy his touch that’s burning and soothing at the same time.

When he kisses down your stomach and hips, he hooks his fingers into your lacy underwear, but stop before doing anything, looking up at you for reassurance. You give him the green light by nodding and he carefully pulls the fabric off your body, baring you in front of his eyes completely. His kisses pepper his way up your inner thighs until he finally reaches your dripping wet core.

“Harry!” you moan when his tongue and lips press against your clit, swirling and sucking on it just right, making you shiver under his touch. He curls his arms around your legs, keeping them in place as he keeps working his magic, making you a whimpering mess with each lick.

He does the same thing as last time, teases you with his finger dancing around your entrance until you are basically ready to beg him for more. Then he finally pushes two fingers inside you and starts pumping in a slow pace that drives you nuts, leaving you ache for more of him.

You pull him up before he could get you to the top, because that’s not how you want it now and you need to know if he is ready to take this step with you. He understands what you want from just a look as he hovers above you and you cup his face in your hands tenderly.

“I want it,” he breathes out and you could come just from those three words.

“Are you sure?” you ask, though you just want to jump right at it already. Still, you want to make sure he is completely fine with everything that’s about to happen.

“Yeah. I am,” he nods before leaning down he presses his lips against yours.

Your hands reach down and undo his pants, pushing them down along with his boxers before he does the rest of the job kicking them off. His erection presses up against your thigh as his hips fall down a bit and you moan with just the feeling of him on your skin. Wrapping your hands around his shaft you start pumping him while your kiss never breaks.

“Oh fuck,” he moans in sensation and you grin against his lips, enjoying the thought that you are the one making him feel this good.

“Do you have a condom?” you breathe out.”

“Shit, I don’t…”

“It’s alright, I have one.” You sneak out from under him and rush over to your bag to look for your toiletries, you know you have one somewhere in there. When you finally find the little package you quickly get back to the bed where Harry is now lying on his back. Kneeling next to him you give him a soft, reassuring look.

“Do you want me to…?” you imply, holding up the foil.

“Oh, um, yeah, sure,” he nods and you swear you see him blushing. Ripping the package open you lean closer and roll the condom down his hard length before throwing a leg over his lap and get back to kissing him. You take your time with him, running your hands up and down his toned, inked chest as his palms warm the skin on your waist while your lips move together in sync perfectly. You could tell he needed a moment to get settled and wrap his mind around what’s really about to happen.

“Everything alright?” you ask, a little out of breath as you hold yourself up above him. He nods shortly. “Do you want me on top or you want to switch?”

“C-can you stay on top for now?”

“Yeah,” you smile at him warmly, before capturing his lips in a sweet kiss while your right hand wanders down his body until you reach his hard cock. Harry whimpers against your lips when you wrap your hand around the base, lining him up with yourself.

“Tell me if you want to stop, alright?” you ask him and in any other situation you’d find it a little funny that it’s you asking him that, usually this request comes from the guy, but you just want to make sure he is comfortable with everything that’s happening. Harry nods again and as he gulps hard his Adam’s apple bops up and down. Leaning down you kiss him again as you slowly ease down yourself just enough so that the head of his cock slides inside you. You stop, giving both him and you the chance to get accustomed to the feeling. It’s been quite some time for you as well, and your fingers do not compare to Harry’s size, that’s for sure.

He keeps one hand on your hip while the other reaches up and cups the side of your head, panting against your lips from the feeling of finally being inside you. Once you’ve made sure you both adjusted to the feeling, you allow yourself to sink further down until his whole length disappears inside you. You stay still, shutting your eyes closed as you let your walls stretch around his erection, making that slight pain you feel go away. Adding the length and thickness of his cock to the long drought you’ve had in the field of sex is making it feel like you are having your first time again in a way. It’s not that awkward and definitely not that painful, but still, that’s what it reminds you of.

“Are you good?” he asks, squeezing your hip gently. Your eyes snap open and meet his green ones that are now clouded with a little bit of worry.

“Yeah, it’s just… You’re big, Harry,” you admit with a soft chuckle that brings a cocky grin to his lips as well. “Just give me a moment.”

He just nods again and both his hands start running up and down your sides reassuringly as you take a few seconds to yourself before you start moving your hips. You start off slowly, dragging your movements out, trying to see what feels the best and judging from Harry’s moans and grunts he is enjoying himself no matter what you do. Your hands sprawl out on his chest, fingers digging into his skin as you lean onto him while starting to move up and down his throbbing cock.

“Fuck, you feel so good!” he whimpers, almost as if he was in pain, but you can see the pleasure in his eyes.

Your thighs start to burn, but you keep moving yourself, not wanting to stop, because you’re feeling your orgasm building up inside you. When he starts thrusting up to meet your movements, you moan his name so loudly there’s a chance the people next door heard you, but you couldn’t care about that now.

Harry might have noticed that you’re starting to get tired, so pushing himself up he wraps his arms around you and turns you over until you’re the one lying on the bed and he holds himself up above you on his arms. Your legs circle around his waist as he starts moving in and out of you, the new position making you both moan and gasp at the sensation.

“Harry!” you whine as he keeps hitting that one spot inside you, pushing you closer to the edge dangerously fast.

“Am I making you feel good, baby? You like it?”

“You’re making me feel so good, please don’t stop!” you beg him as he buries his face in your neck, sucking on the soft skin, most definitely leaving a mark on you that you’ll wear proudly tomorrow. You would never want to hide the fact how good Harry fucked you, let the world know that your boyfriend made you feel so amazing!

“Oh my God, I’m getting close. Are you feeling it too? Are you gonna cum for me, baby?” he asks, his lips brushing against your earlobe. Grabbing his face you pull him into a kiss, pushing your tongue into his mouth mercilessly and the grunt he lets out is making your insides tremble. It’s animalistic, so passionate and sexual, you want to hear this every day for the rest of your life.

“I’m close, go a little harder, Harry!” you plead and he does as you asked without hesitation, his hips slamming harder against you, making you gasp for air as your head sinks into the pillow, your back arching in pleasure.

“Cum for me, Y/N. Let it go!”

“Harry!” you whine, as you can feel your orgasm threatening to burst inside you any moment.

“Say my name when you cum, I want to hear who’s making you feel so good, baby!”

Your fingers dig into his hair as you chant his name over and over again with each thrust he makes and then your release finally arrives. You moan and whimper, shaking under his naked, sweaty body, his name falling from your lips as an endless glorification. Your walls clench around his cock and it’s the last straw for him as well, his thrusts become sloppy and uncoordinated as he cries out your name, his hips slamming hard against you while he rides his orgasm out. Reaching down you drag your nails down his back until you reach his perfectly round ass, giving it a cheeky squeeze while he buries his head into the crook of your neck, thrusting into you a few more times before coming to a stop.

Turning your head you kiss his temple, running your hands up and down his back while you both try to catch your breath, coming off your high. Soon Harry pulls out and rolls off of you, his body smashing into the mattress beside you, his face glowing from that post sex euphoria. After a few moments of just panting and blinking into the void you finally feel yourself returning to reality and rolling to your side you cuddle to Harry’s body, his arm instantly coming to circle around you.

“Everything alright?” you softly ask, placing a tender kiss to his chest under one of his swallow tattoos. The last thing you want is to have him freak out now that the deed has been done, but when he gifts you with a tired but genuine smile, your worries vanish into thin air.

“Yeah. I’m all good. More than good,” he chuckles before lifting his head and placing a soft kiss to your forehead. His fingers are dancing up and down your naked back, following the line of your spine and your ribs, his smoothing touch already working as a lullaby on you, but you’re determined to stay awake just a little longer.

“Are you turned on by hearing your own name during sex?” you tease him with a sly smile as you think back to how much he enjoyed you scream his name over and over again.

“I might have a bit of a praise kink,” he admits truthfully with a smirk.

“Mm, interesting.”

“What’s yours?”

“What do you like during sex?”

“You, balls deep inside me,” you bluntly answer, making him laugh at your words. “And I like doggy,” you then add to actually answer his question.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm, and maybe some hair pulling. Not in an extreme way, but I like a little.” “Alright, noted,” he hums nodding.

You both clean yourselves up in the bathroom, moving around each other naked without any shame. Harry then puts on a pair of clean boxers and you change into your night clothes, though the moment you make yourself comfortable in Harry’s arms in bed his hand sneaks up your back under the shirt, tugging the material up. You could have just stayed shirtless, but now you’re too tired to even move. His fingers are drawing little patterns over your skin as you listen to his steady breathing before drifting off to sleep.

Sunday feels like a day after a sleepover in high school, when you’re thinking about everything that has happened the day before, and you’re so happy it happened but you’re kind of tired and just want the comfort of your home already.

Sarah and Mitch leave for their honeymoon early in the morning. You say goodbye and Sarah just keeps thanking you for your work even though she hasn’t even seen the picture yet.

“But I’m sure they are amazing! Can’t wait to see them!” she beams at you when you try to tell her to just wait for the actual outcome.

You leave the inn a little before noon heading to Anne’s to pick Izzy up. You have lunch somewhere on the road and then you sing along to the music in the car, enjoying yet another roadtrip together, making the best out of your last minutes alone. You’re happy to see that Harry hasn’t seemed to spiral after what happened last night, he seems delighted and pleased, maybe even excited. Driving down the highway he keeps a hand on your thigh whenever he doesn’t need to use it on the shifting gear and every time he reaches for you, it turns you into a giddy little girl.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Izzy chants upon running into Harry’s arms the moment you park down on Anne’s driveway. Apparently, she’s been sitting by the window for an hour, waiting for her dad to finally arrive.

“Oh, I missed you so much, baby!” Harry cheers, catching the running girl and lifting her up into his arms, hugging her close. It’s such a sweet sight, seeing the two purest people you know be so happy to see each other after a week spent apart.

“I missed you too!” Izzy sighs, wrapping her short arms around Harry’s neck, nuzzling into her daddy’s embrace and your heart is fluttering in your chest for sure.

Anne invites the two of you inside for a tea, Harry helps Izzy pack all her stuff while she is nonstop blabbering about everything she did with her grandma during the week, and Harry listens to her intently, even though she already shared everything with him on the phone when he called every night.

“How did the wedding go?” Anne asks you cheerfully as you help her in the kitchen.

“Oh, it was amazing! Sarah looked so beautiful and everything went smoothly.”

“That’s great, they are such a cute couple!”

Anne is quick to ask you about photography, how long you’ve been doing it and you even show her a few of your works seeing how enthusiastic she is about the whole thing. You were a little nervous about meeting her, but she is just as sweet and kind as her son, making it so easy to treat her just as a friend, not as the mother of your boyfriend.

Before leaving Izzy insists on showing you all the paintings she made for Anne this week, she has them on the wall in her little home office. While you’re shown around in Izzy’s personal gallery, Harry joins his mother downstairs, finishing up his tea.

“I assume the weekend went well, you two are glowing,” she smiles slyly at him and Harry can’t hide his boyish smile.

“I uhh… I asked her to be my girlfriend,” he admits and Anne gasps happily, thrilled about the news.

“I’m so happy for you, Har. I think she is a really good match for you!” she beams, pulling him into a motherly hug, kissing his cheek as if he was just a little boy, not a grown man.

“Thanks, mum. I’m happy too.” “You deserve it. It’s so good to see you living your life again.” Soon enough, Harry loads the car with Izzy’s stuff and it’s time to say goodbye.

“Bye Anne, it was so nice to see you!” you smile hugging her.

“Come back soon, Darling! Nag this old man to visit me more often!” Anne jokes giving Harry a playful look who leaves her comment unnoticed, giving his mother a tight hug.

“Thank you for everything mum, love you, I’ll call you alright?”

“Drive safe!” she calls after you all as you get into the car and wave her goodbye leaving.

The drive home tired Izzy out, or maybe it’s just the change of settings again. Whatever it is, she can barely stay awake until dinner, so once her tummy is filled Harry decides to put her to sleep early.

Izzy asks Harry to lie in bed with her as he reads her a bedtime story, she is extra clingy now that she is back with her daddy, but Harry is enjoying having his little one back so he doesn’t mind it. Izzy snuggles to his side, playing with the ears of the bunny she chose to sleep with tonight as she listens to his steady, smooth voice talk her to sleep.

“Daddy?” she asks quietly, already half asleep.

“Yes, baby?”

“Are you going to marry Y/N?”

The question catches him off-guard, he was definitely not expecting it especially since Izzy hasn’t even seen the two of you kiss yet.

“Why are you asking?”

“My new friend, Loretta from the park told me that if a boy and a girl live together they are probably in love and want to get married.”

“Loretta seems to know a lot about adult stuff,” Harry chuckles softly. “Well, it doesn’t exactly work like that, Iz. But… would you be happy if I told you Y/N is now my girlfriend?” he asks, feeling a little nervous, as if Izzy’s word on the question could destroy any possible future between the two of you. She stays silent for a few seconds and Harry starts to think she has fallen asleep, but then she finally speaks up again.

“Did you kiss her?” she asks and Harry can’t push down a soft chuckle. Izzy’s idea of relationships probably doesn’t go further than kissing and holding hands so this is how she is trying to put the picture together in her head.

“I did, yes.”

“Oh!” she exclaims. “I like Y/N.”

“Well, I like her too.”

“She can be your girlfriend,” she then replies, giving her blessing. “Are you going to get married?”

“Um, not for a while, no. But… it could happen if things go right,” he chews on his bottom lip, he is definitely not in the phase of thinking about marriage yet, not just because you barely just became an official couple, but that would be a huge step in his way of processing the end of his last one.

“Okay,” Izzy simply nods and that brings the end of the discussion. Harry has been a little nervous to have this talk with Izzy, he was afraid she might get a little confused about the idea of him having a girlfriend and the thought of her mother, but she seemingly didn’t even bring Maggie into her train of thoughts. Luckily.

When Izzy is finally asleep he closes the door and makes his way downstairs where you’re lying on the couch, watching the rerun of the news. You smile up at him upon his arrival and as he joins you on the couch, he is quick to pull you into his arms, making you snuggle into his embrace.

“I just told Izzy that you are my girlfriend,” he confesses and you lift your head up, not even trying to hide your surprised expression.

“Really? And what did she say?”

“Well, she asked if we are getting married,” he tells you chuckling shortly. “I told her that we shouldn’t get that far ahead. But she basically gave her blessing. She said she likes you.”

“Well I was hoping she doesn’t hate my guts after spending almost every day with me,” you chuckle, making him smile too. “But I’m happy she likes the idea of us.”

“Yeah, me too,” Harry nods before pulling you closer for a sweet, innocent kiss.

You finally get around to have that double date with Heather and Niall one month into your relationship. Harry’s weekends have been a little busy these past weeks, he had to go into the office on a few Saturdays, but now he has finally finished a huge project he has been working on so he can actually take some time off.

Ruth comes over to look after Izzy that evening and she keeps looking at you and Harry like a proud grandparent whenever she sees the two of you interact as a couple. Little touches and kisses have been more regular around home ever since Harry told Izzy that you are together. So far, she’s been handling it really well, she doesn’t seem to be confused about you and her mother and it might be because Harry has had a talk with her recently about her mother and where she really is now. His therapist suggested to be open about it with her as early as possible, and though she doesn’t seem to completely understand the idea of life and death just yet, she has definitely started to put the picture together in her head.

You’ve been spending all your nights at Harry’s room, so by now your bedroom is more like an office space for you and a storage for all your stuff, a place where you can be alone whenever you have some editing to do or just simply need some time on your own. Luckily, Harry totally understands the feeling of needing some space, he has his own limits as well and the two of you have been trying your best to coordinate around these lines when it comes to your relationship. After all, it’s been a pretty unusual situation, you were already living together when you became a couple, jumping a few steps in the timeline of a regular relationship.

Just as you were expecting it, Niall and Heather hit it off quite fast upon meeting at the dinner. Niall is in awe of Heather’s confidence and raw sense of humor that matches perfectly with his, while Heather finds him entertaining and somewhat like a challenge, since you honestly told her about Niall’s reputation as a womanizer, but it’s not something that could scare her away.

“He is cute, desperately wants to prove how good he is doing on his own, but I think that’s just a façade,” Heather tells you when you ask her about her date in the restroom. She fixes up her lipstick, staring at herself in the floor to ceiling mirror.

“So you think you want to see him again?”

“I’m not gonna run after him, if he asks for my number I’ll give it to him. But if he doesn’t, I won’t let him see my disappointment.”

“And what if he asks you to go home with him tonight?” you ask, feeling like teenagers gossiping in the girls restroom between classes. Heather smirks at you through the mirror before turning to face you.

“Oh, I’m not going home with him. That would bruise his ego so badly he won’t be able to think about anything else.”

You stare back at her stunned from how big of a genius she is. You would have never schemed like this when it came to men, but yet again, you never really needed to. Before Harry you were busy with Keith and that relationship came so easily to you. There were never really games, it took you about three weeks to get together. But Heather is a player and a very good one, apparently.

“You two look cute, by the way,” she smiles at you quickly washing her hands before the two of you head out, back to the table.

“Thanks,” you blush, eyes finding the guys sitting right where you left them.

After dinner you decide to stay for a few drinks at the bar a corner away and it’s been so long since the last time you were out just having fun, enjoying some time with good friends. If someone told you a few months ago that you’d be sitting here, sipping on a cocktail with Harry who is now your boyfriend, you would have laughed hysterically.

When Harry reaches for you thigh under the table, resting his palm on it, giving it a gentle squeeze just as a sweet gesture, you glance at him and he smiles at you as his eyes meet your gaze. It’s the first time you actually feel like any other couples. Having a nice evening with your friends, touching each other, holding hands, simply living in the moment knowing well that going home he will probably sneak into Izzy’s room, pressing a kiss to her forehead before joining you in bed, falling asleep with his arms curled around your figure.

It’s no surprise when Niall invited Heather over his place for another drink at the end of the night and you can barely hold your smirk back when she refuses and his face completely falls, especially because he was so confident in himself, the evening went well and he was probably sure she would say yes. Instead, she grabs herself a taxi and heads home upon parting ways. Niall is shocked, but he is quick to ask for Heather’s number from you before you say goodbye and you happily give it to him.

On the way home you think about how weird it is that you are still basically working for him. It’s not that you mind being the one who is looking after Izzy, it doesn’t even feel like a job, she has grown so close to you. It’s about getting paid for it when you’re Harry’s girlfriend and even though you know how untraditional everything has been with the two of you, now might be the time to make a change.

Harry checks up on Izzy while you get ready to bed and he joins you under the covers soon. Your thoughts about your possible quitting keep racing in your head and you decide to bring it up, just to see how he sees the situation.

“H?” you softly ask while he is checking a few things on his phone, propped up against the headboard.

“Yeah?” he glances at you, letting you know he is listening.

“Don’t you think it’s weird I’m still working for you?”

He stops and locking his phone he puts it to the nightstand to fully focus on the conversation. He just stares at you for a few seconds before knitting his eyebrows together, that crease between them making an appearance and you fight the urge to smooth it out with your finger.

“You don’t like taking care of her anymore?” Your stomach drops at the way he interpreted your question, because it’s not at all the situation.

“Harry, I love taking care of her!” you smile at him softly and can see the relief in his eyes. “It’s just a little weird that you’re paying me to be with her. I would do it for free,” you explain, hoping he now gets the whole picture.

“Oh!”

“Are you… Are you planning for the long run? With us?”

“Of course,” he nods and now you’re the one relieved at how naturally the answer came to him.

“Then maybe we should look for a solution that doesn’t make me feel like I’m a kept house woman,” you chuckle softly and a small smile tugs on his lips as well.

“What were you thinking about?” Sighing you bite into your bottom lip, not sure what he’ll think about the idea that came to you.

“I’ve been getting a lot of requests for photoshoots. I thought that maybe I could take two more days out of the week to work on them and stay home with Izzy for the rest of them. We could look for a nanny for those days. They wouldn’t have to move in, because I would be home by three probably. I think… I think it could work pretty well.”

Harry takes a few moments to think it through and you know he has to be considerate, the only reason he was so quick to hire you was because Izzy already knew and loved you. Bringing a stranger into the picture is a big change and everyone has to be fine with it to make it work.

“Would that make you happy? Staying home for half of the week with Izzy? I wouldn’t want to ask you to sacrifice your time for her… for us, if it doesn’t benefit you.”

For a few moments you’re just processing his words, but then you finally understand what he meant by that. He is thinking you might take it as if he is using you to take care of his daughter and he doesn’t want you to take responsibility for her if it’s not what you really want. But you see being in Izzy’s life as a privilege, you haven’t truly processed it yourself, but you start to look at her as your own daughter. Having spent the majority of your days with her these past months, it was inevitable to grow so fond of her.

Scooting closer to him you cup his face in your hands as you smile down at him softly, his green irises filled with worry and doubts, probably thinking that he is doing something wrong again, but he is not. He needs to have more trust in himself.

“I would love it, Harry. I love spending time with her and… with you,” you admit and there’s one thing that you’re aching to add.

And I love you.

But you keep that one back, not sure if he is ready to hear it just yet. It’s still so early in your relationship, and it might feel like a bomb if you just dropped it on him. You need to be a little more patient before taking this next step.

Bringing his arms around you he pulls you to his chest, a deep but happy sigh leaving through his nose as he kisses into your hair. Nothing else is said, but no words are needed. It’s been settled that you both are planning for the long run together and you’ll start to alter your life to make it fit into the picture.

You don’t jump into it right away, but a few weeks after the discussion you had about hiring a new nanny, you take the first step. Ruth agrees to cover one day every week, Fridays, so you can have it off for your sessions. Summer brings a lot of events and occasions and your calendar has been getting busier as your circle of customers has been growing lately. Though Ruth is more than happy to spend some more time with Izzy, you all know she won’t be able to do it too long, you need to find someone at last by the end of the summer.

Harry would never admit, but he is very anxious about bringing a new person into Izzy’s life. He is not the toxic kind of parent who wouldn’t let anyone get near his daughter, but he surely is considerate about who he lets to take care of her and it’s understandable.

On an afternoon spent at the park you are chatting with Ava, Yara’s mom when she mentions a nanny agency they’ve tried out before and had a really good experience.

“They hire people with at least three years of experience and many of their nannies have a degree in some kind of field in connection with child care. We had a nice girl from Russia watch after Yara, she is a primary school teacher but she moved here with her boyfriend for a year. She was amazing, really. Yara loved her, Saige and I loved her, it was a good match.”

She gives you a phone number and later that day you look up the agency, presenting the idea to Harry, who seems interested, but a little hesitant.

“We could still have an interview with them, right? Or I would have to just choose someone from the website like from a catalogue?” he voices his concern as the two of you lie in bed with your laptop propped against your thighs.

“I’m sure we can have an interview,” you smile at him.

Harry just nods, ergo he doesn’t reject the idea, but you can tell he has quite a few doubts about it, but there’s not much you can do.

In the course of three weeks you and Harry have five interviews with nannies that the agency sent and at the end of the day, Harry finds something wrong with all of them, even though they are only minor things.

“You rule out people for the tiniest things, Harry,” you sigh after the fifth interview with a kind middle-aged woman, Kaitlyn. “Based on these interviews you wouldn’t have hired me back in the days,” you joke.

“You know it was different with you,” he points it out and you just nod. He has told you so many times how you were just the perfect fit which is very charming, but it doesn’t help the situation on hand right now.

That evening, when you’re lying in bed, reading, while Harry checks up on Izzy one last time, you see that something is on his chest when he walks in and as soon as he is under the covers next to you, but you don’t ask him, instead just wait for him to bring it up himself.

“Y/N, I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass about the whole nanny thing,” he sighs tiredly. Closing your book you place it on the nightstand before turning to face him fully.

“You’re not a pain in the ass, just very careful and maybe a little picky,” you add with a soft chuckle.

“Do you think I should be the one staying home with her?”

“Most kids spend the majority of their days separated from their parents in daycare, kindergarten or preschool. It’s not a crime that you are not a stay at home dad, not many like to do that or even fit for that role,” you shrug and it’s your genuine opinion. Just because parents don’t devote one hundred percent of their life to their children, it doesn’t make them bad. Parents deserve to be selfish sometimes.

“I just… I can get so into my head about everything I do wrong,” he sighs, closing his eyes and he seem so tired all of a sudden, like he has been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Brushing his hair out of his forehead you kiss him gently before his eyes open again.

“You’re not doing anything wrong, Harry. Believe me, Izzy is having the best childhood she could ever wish for. She is secure, loved and taken care of. Everything is going well.” He doesn’t answer, just nods as his arms wrap around you, pulling you to his chest and you gladly snuggle into his embrace.

That evening it felt like Harry was shifting in the right direction, but you can never know what really goes on in someone’s head and you couldn’t see what was coming.

A few days later another candidate comes for an interview, you, Harry and the young girl called Rachel sit outside at the terrace as Harry goes through the same questions he asked every other applicant while Izzy is playing around the swing set.

Rachel just finished her bachelor’s and is now taking a gap year before moving back to her hometown to work at her father’s law firm. She grew up with three younger sisters and took care of them most of the time to help her parents out who worked a lot. She is nice, very well educated and it’s clear she is great with children. Yet again, when you glance at Harry you don’t see him as satisfied as you are and you already know he is going to find something against her.

“Alright, so what is it this time?” you sigh once Rachel is gone and you can finally talk openly about her.

“She basically doesn’t have any official knowledge about kids, she just grew up with kids, that doesn’t qualify her as a professional.”

“Raising children is the best knowledge you can get, Harry,” you argue, feeling a little impatient this time. Rachel is perfect for the job, but any other applicants would have been fine too. You’re running out of time and Ruth won’t be able to help much longer.

“I would just be a lot more comfortable if it was a professional staying home with my daughter,” he answers, marching into the kitchen and you follow him.

“There were plenty of professionals between the previous ones as well. You are ruling everyone out!”

“I’m not ruling them out, I’m just trying to make the best decision for my child!”

“By being absolutely insatiable?!”

“Why is it so bad that I want the best choice?” he growls throwing his hands into the air.

“It’s not, but the best choice is not always one without any flaws, Harry,” you point it out, hoping he gets what you’re talking about.

“But I want this to be flawless!” he snaps and you can see that he has lost his patience at this point, but so did you. “I’m not settling for less than what I want, Y/N!”

“So then what? You lied when we talked about all of this? Because without a replacement, I can’t start working more!”

“I didn’t fucking lie, I’m just asking for more time!”

“Well it seems like you just want to push me into changing my mind about switching jobs and eventually say that I’m staying home, taking the blame off of you!”

“I’m not pushing you into anything, Y/N. We still have time until the end of summer, I just want to find the perfect person, give me some time!”

“Harry, there won’t be a perfect person!” you raise your voice, done with running the same circles at this point. “Any of the previous applicants would have taken good care of Izzy, why are you ignoring it?!”

“Stop telling me what to do when it comes to Izzy!” he then snaps, his voice beaming through the room, taking you by surprise. But what he says after this is what really hits you hard in the chest. “She is my daughter, not yours!”

Part of you knows he didn’t mean it the way it came out. Like you had absolutely no relations to Izzy, like you weren’t partially raising her way before you got together with Harry. You can see that it just slipped out in the heat of the moment, but your anger is making you selfish and not care about that anymore. His words hurt and you’ve stopped making excuses for him.

“Yeah, you’re right. Why am I still even here?” you calmly ask before simply turning around and heading out.

The calm but warning tone snaps him out and he is quick to realize he has crossed a line. He launches after you and almost catches you in the hallway when Izzy runs inside, calling out for him.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

Harry stops and turns around to see if she is alright and it gives you just enough time to escape. You rush out of the house and throw yourself into your car, igniting it and driving away as Harry shows up at the front door, calling after you, but you ignore it, making your way to your mom’s. You need a familiar place to calm yourself down at.

Harry tries to call you several times, and though the first few times it rings out, you send his calls to voicemail almost immediately after a while.

“Damn it,” he growls after another failed attempt to reach you. It’s been almost an hour since you stormed out and he is losing his mind, not knowing where you are, especially after what he said.

He regretted it the moment the words fell from his lips, but he knew it was too late. He let his anger bring the worst out of him and it all crashed down on you when you didn’t deserve any of it. Harry knows you’re right, he’s been trying to find something bad about every applicant because… part of him thinks that he is a bad father for not being the one taking care of Izzy all the time. If it wasn’t enough already, he’s been feeling like a failure for years… ever since he lost his wife because he wasn’t ready to commit more time for his family. He’s been dealing with the thought of being the worst father for so long, sometimes he convinces himself it’s the truth.

If I was ready for another baby, Maggie wouldn’t have had to die. If I put my family first, she would still be alive, he tells himself often when he is feeling the darkness clouding over his mind. Little does he know that it’s all just in his head. It doesn’t make him a bad father that he wanted to wait a little longer before having another baby. He never put his work above his family, he was always there when he was needed and made sure his loved ones are safe and taken care of. Never in his life did he ever put his work before Izzy or Maggie or anyone in his life he cared about.

But sometimes, your mind can play dirty tricks on you. And Harry fell for them.

As time is passing by he is growing more and more anxious when he doesn’t hear from you. No calls, no texts, he has no idea where you went or when you’re coming back. Sitting on the edge of the bed he stares out the window blankly before his eyes wander to the side where you usually sleep and it hits him hard when he realizes how eerily similar the situation is.

Following a fight his lover runs away, doesn’t answer his calls and he can’t get a hold of her. It’s like history is repeating itself all over again and as realization creeps up his spine, his throat tightens and he gasps, tears flooding into his eyes. With shaky hands he grabs his phone and dials Niall’s number, hoping he is not out somewhere at a bar, ignoring his phone.

“What’s up?” he answers the phone delightfully.

“Call Heather now and ask if she knows Y/N’s mom’s address,” he snaps immediately frantically.

“Woah, what happened?”

“Niall! Just do what I asked!” he barks and ends the call, giving his friend the chance to obey. Luckily, Niall feels the seriousness of the situation and does as Harry asked. A few minutes later a text arrives to Harry’s phone with the address.

Putting Izzy into the car he speeds down the streets to Gemma’s house who is shocked to see her brother in this state, but she doesn’t have the chance to ask anything as Harry drops Izzy off and asks her to watch her for the night.

“Okay, yeah, but—“

“Not now, Gemma!” he calls back, already running back to his car, heading to your mother’s house where you sought comfort following the fight.

“Not that I don’t like having you here, but you really should go home and talk it out.” Trevor joins you outside where you’ve been sitting on the steps of the terrace, staring out into the darkening sky. It’s been a few hours since you basically ran away from home and Harry has been blowing your phone up so you put it into airplane mode, sending all his calls to voicemail until you feel like dealing with him.

Trevor sits beside you, his long legs coming up closer to his chest as he sits the same way as you, his arms hug his knees.

“I know, I just… I’m a little tired,” you mumble.

“You don’t have to discuss it, but Harry would want you home for the night, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” you nod breathing out. “Do you think I overreacted?” you ask him, feeling unsure about the way you acted. Was it too much? Did you have the right to do it? You’re not so sure about it anymore.

“Well, he didn’t lie about Izzy not being your daughter,” Trevor huffs. “Though he could have handled the situation better. I get it that he just wants what’s best for her, but you were right too.”

Sitting in silence Trevor doesn’t try to convince you to apologize or keep holding a grudge. He just lets you figure it out all by yourself.

Not long later you go back inside and grabbing your phone from the dining table you decide to turn it back on, missed calls and texts flooding the device, but for your biggest surprise, not just from Harry.

Heather: Niall just called me to get your mom’s address urgently, everything alright?!

“Oh shit,” you gasp, typing a quick reply to assure her that you’re fine and then you open Harry’s text seeing how frantic he grew over time and you realize what it must feel like to him. The situation is way too similar to the way he lost Maggie and though you didn’t mean to hurt him by putting him through it again, it’s already too late.

Just as you are about to call him to let him know you’re fine a car pulls up on the drive way and you know it’s him. You rush out the front door the moment he jumps out of the car, eyes wide, chest heaving as he finally lays his eyes on you.

“Oh my God!” he breaks down in tears as you smash against him, wrapping him in your arms, he does the same, his strong arms circling around your waist tightly as he sobs into your chest painfully.

“I’m fine, everything is alright. I’m fine. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for running away like that,” you mumble, kissing the side of his head, holding him for dear life.

“I was so scared it happened again!” he whimpers, his whole body shaking. You slowly start pulling him until you reach the little front porch where there is a small bench kept next to the front door. You sit and pull him with yourself, he doesn’t even loosens his hold around you, as if you would turn to dust if he lets go of you.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think it through,” you hum, fingers combing through his hair as you try to calm him down. He is still shaking, but his sobs are starting to die down finally, his hands still fisting your shirt at your waist.

“No, I’m sorry for being such a dick. I didn’t mean it. You are doing so much for Izzy and I, I don’t know what I would do without you!” he whimpers and when he finally lifts his head up, your heart breaks at the painful look in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. You were right about everything! Please forgive me!”

“Oh Harry,” you breathe out, the tears already welling in your eyes as you brush his messy curls out of his forehead.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you, what I said was bullshit! Please forgive me, I can’t… I don’t want to lose you, Y/N,” he stutters with one breath and then he adds: “I love you.”

Your lips part as you stare back at him in total awe at his sudden confession. Though it’s been an emotional ride, you weren’t expecting him to drop this bomb on you. A smile cracks on lips as you cup his face in your hands, feeling a hot tear rolling down your cheek.

“I love you too, Harry,” you answer, both of you letting out a relieved chuckle as he finally presses his lips to yours. His kiss tastes salty from both your tears, it’s needy and a little uncoordinated, but it means the world to you at this moment.

Sitting on the little bench you finally talk everything out once you both calm down enough to speak. Harry admits that he’s been so picky about the nannies because he is still struggling to be the best father he can and is reminded of being alone in this every time he faces a struggle. It constantly reminds him that he is supposed to have his partner with him, solving everything together, but now he is on his own and has to provide the best possible life for Izzy.

“Harry… you’re not alone,” you breathe out, heart aching for the man you love with everything in you. “And I’m not only talking about myself. Your mom, Gemma, Niall, even Saige, Ava and Linda are always happy to help you out with everything. If Maggie was still here, it wouldn’t be just the two of you. Raising a child needs a whole village,” you chuckle softly. “But if you want a partner in it… I’m here. And I really mean it. I see a future with you, I want to be part of your family, of course, only if you let me.” Reaching over your hand finds his on his lap and you squeeze it gently as he looks at you, his expression still a little torn, but it’s not as painful as it was when he arrived.

“I would love to have you be part of my family, Y/N.”

It’s like a rock is lifted off your chest upon hearing his reassuring words. This is all you ever wanted, have a partner in life who is willing to build a future together with you and Harry is offering you just that.

You stay on that old little bench for so long, you don’t even realize how late it has gotten, only when your mom shows up at the door, wearing her nightgown and a fluffy robe.

“Don’t want to bother, but do you want to spend the night? Just asking if I should get you some extra pillows and blankets…”

“Oh! Um, no. We are going home, but thank you mom,” you smile tiredly, noticing it’s nearing midnight now.

Harry stands from next to you and as he steps to your mother you realize they haven’t even met. Harry stands tall in front of your mom, but you notice the nervous flash in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even have the time to introduce myself,” he mumbles with a nervous chuckle. Your mom blushes, most likely finding your boyfriend quite handsome though you already showed pictures of him to her. “I’m Harry,” he says, holding out a hand.

“Oh, no worries! I’m Tina!” she smiles charmingly as they shake hands.

“Nice to meet you, Tina.”

“I know we should have probably had a better introduction, but we’ll come around some other time under better circumstances,” you chuckle softly as you stand up from the bench too.

You say goodbye to Trevor and your mom and finally head home. Harry tries to convince you to ride back in his car, but you don’t want to leave yours here, so you tell him it’s going to be fine. Both of you arrive in one piece and you only realize that Izzy is nowhere to be found when you walk into the house.

“Dropped her off at Gemma’s. I’ll have to explain a lot of things to my sister tomorrow, but it can wait,” he chuckles softly before his hands reach out to you, grabbing your waist gently as he pulls you closer to him. “I’m so sorry for tonight, Y/N.”

“Hey, we agreed that no more apologizing,” you remind him of the deal you made earlier. “It’s all in the past.”

Harry nods, huffing through his nose before leaning down he kisses you softly, as if you were some kind of fragile artwork that needs to be handled with so much care.

“I love you,” he whispers against your lips, his eyes barely open under his thick lashes.

“I love you too,” you smile back, your hands coming to rest at the base of his neck.

“I will never get tired of hearing that,” he chuckles lowly, making you laugh too.

“Good, because I’ll be saying it a lot.”

“Perfect.”

“Stop picking on your lip!” you warn Harry when you catch him fidgeting with his bottom lip. He wouldn’t admit, but he is surely nervous as the two of you are waiting for Izzy to join you downstairs. She just got home from the zoo with Gemma, they had an amazing day together, but it had a purpose. You needed her to be looked after while you went to the doctor. It was your first ultrasound since the time you went to see if you’re really pregnant or the tests just fooled you, but it was one hundred percent legit. You were indeed pregnant.

You and Harry got married a few weeks before Izzy turned six. She was the cutest little flower girl in the small ceremony held at the backyard of your own home. Both of you agreed that you don’t want anything big and flashy, just an intimate little wedding with your close family and friends. It’s been two months of being husband and wife and it’s almost completely sure the little baby growing now in your tummy was conceived on your wedding night…

You’ve been keeping it a secret, wanting to tell Izzy first before sharing the news with your friends and family.

“Do you want to talk first or do I do it?” Harry asks in a whisper, as if Izzy could hear anything from upstairs.

“I have a feeling you wouldn’t be able to get a word out so I’ll take the lead, if you don’t mind,” you chuckle softly and Harry doesn’t argue.

He has been such a nerve wreck thinking about telling Izzy that she is going to be a big sister. These past years she has dealt so well with processing everything about the situation with her mom, you and the idea of her dad having a new wife. You felt like she was a little confused at the beginning, but once you had an actual, mature talk with her, answered all her questions, you could see things shift to place in that cute little head of hers. Now she knows what it means that her mom passed and how you came into the picture. This is why you have no doubt she’ll take the news well, but Harry is still afraid she might flip.

Little feet tap against the floor somewhere upstairs and then Izzy runs down the stairs, joining you at the dining table.

“What’s the surprise?” she asks in excitement. You told her you have a surprise for her when she arrived and now she is pumped for whatever is coming.

“Izzy, you know how Zac has a little brother, right?” you ask, smoothly starting the discussion.

“Yes! His name is Jeremy!”

“Yeah. So Jeremy is a little younger than Zac, they are siblings. Zac’s parents wanted to have more than just one kids and so they decided to have Jeremy.”

“Mrs. Rumbald had him in her belly!” she explains cleverly. The topic of babies has already came up earlier, so now she has an idea of what really happens when a couple decides to have a baby.

“Exactly,” you nod smiling. “You know how your daddy and I are now married, right? We talked about what it meant.” Izzy nods, glancing at her father who is sitting beside you, sweating his balls off even though it’s going smoothly. “Married couples often decide to have babies. This is what your dad and I did too and now there is a baby in my belly too. That means that you’re going to have a little brother or sister soon.”

Izzy blinks a few times, processing your words before her face lights up with excitement as she gasps.

“Can I play with her?” she asks, making you and Harry laugh.

“Might be a boy, baby,” Harry chimes in.

“Okay, then can I play with him or her?” she corrects herself.

“Well, you have to be careful with newborn babies, but I’m sure she or he will love to play with you!”

“What’s it gonna be called?” she asks her next question.

“We don’t know that yet. But you can suggest names if you want to,” Harry offers.

“Can it be Elsa if it’s a girl?” she immediately suggests and you smile at her first thought. Of course she says Elsa, she is going through her mandatory Frozen obsession like every other kid at her age.

“We’ll put it on the list,” you tell her. “Do you want to see a picture of the baby?”

“You can take pictures of the inside of your belly?” she asks with a confused look.

“Well, not with a camera like the ones I use,” you explain as you place the black and white, messy picture of the tiny baby in front of her. She grabs it and starts inspecting it as if it was some kind of puzzle and you can tell she is having a hard time making out where the actual baby is. “That’s right there. It’s still tiny and has to grow a lot,” you tell her, pointing at the right splotch in the picture.

“Can I keep this picture?” she asks smiling up at you sweetly. “I want to put it to my wall!”

A while ago Harry has gotten her a huge frame right above her bed that has wires running across it with tiny clips attached. You’ve gifted her her favorite polaroids from your stack you’ve collected through the years, most of them featuring the three of you. It’s touching to know that she wants her little sibling there already.

“Of course!” you breathe out, touched by the idea.

You follow her up into her room and while she stands on the bed, you put the sonogram next to a photo that was taken of her and Harry on her sixth birthday.

“Can I tell my friends at school that I’m going to have a brother or sister?” she asks, still standing on the bed so now she is almost as tall as you are.

“Um…” glancing over at the door your eyes meet Harry’s who just shrugs, letting you know it’s up to you. “I guess you can, yes.”

“Thank you!” she beams, throwing her little arms around your neck as she hugs you tight and you return it gladly. “Can I watch some TV, please?” she asks with an angelic look she knows you can never resist.

“Yeah, but only for an hour,” you tell her as she jumps in victory before climbing off the bed. Running to the door she gives Harry a hug before disappearing down the hallway. Harry walks in, a proud and soft smile tugging on his lips as he steps to you, his hands finding your waist. He pulls you against his hard chest, pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead.

“This went well, right?” he asks.

“Yeah, you were such a big help, sitting there in silence,” you chuckle teasing him.

“But you handled it so good, baby. I didn’t want to interrupt,” he smirks and you just roll your eyes at him before circling your arms around his neck.

“Uh-huh, sure,” you smirk. “So… are you ready to be a daddy again?” you ask him with a shy smile.

“Technically, I never stopped being a daddy,” he points out. “The real question is, are you ready to become a mommy?” he asks turning it back to you.

“I’m… a little nervous, but very excited. I think I’m ready,” you nod smiling.

“Don’t worry, it’s gonna be alright,” he hums, kissing into your hair.

“Wow, when did you become the emotional support in this relationship?” you tease him and he just rolls his eyes.

“Learned from the best,” he nudges his nose against yours before kissing you softly. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” you smile against his lips, thinking about how long the two of you have become since you first met and you are happy you got to be the person who taught Harry how to love and be loved again.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

taglist

@mariamuses @pastequeharry @f-vasquezp @jgtfvhsg @trulymadlykiki @bookwormandtea @sltwins @kakaym @cherryruins @fairysums @styles217 @reidsgubbler @meredithhuntt @hereforreid @kinda-ravenclaw-kinda-slytherin @harrystyle-ish @whitetigerlover17 @popluckbih @mellamolayla @shamelessfangirl-3 @runway-to-my-aid @battlegground @harrystylescherrie @sunsetcurve-h @wellfuckmylifethen @mroy-l0l @percysaidnever @sweeetcreatvre @shawnsblue @jackiehollanderr @lo-harry-ve @harrystylesisbaeee @goldenngracee @sunflowerryvol6 @harryscherrysugar @niallbestie3 @youngpastafanmug @dolcecheerie @dontworrysunflower @alwaysclassyeagle @amyvandijk @harryhub @ericadrumgoole1 @abundanceofsoph

#harry #styles #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #to love and be loved series

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the59er · 3 years

Text

2021: Sep!

1st Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Tonight, We Fall - ADULT

Hi September.

Hi self. How am I feeling so far? Have I gotten any progress in life, at all?

Am I any happier? Healthier?

---

2nd Sep 2021, Thursday Watching: Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (David Letterman!)

Wow my eyes are exxxxxxxtra dry this week because of work and stress, I wish I can take them out and dip them in water.

I survive through fun-doodling on the side.

---

4th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: After Hours - We are Scientists

Happy birthday to HH!

I miss hanging out with my very few friends..

---

5th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Strange Condition - Pete Yorn

Im supposed to be done with at least half of my data quality checking thing for office but I can’t bring myself to work this weekend.

Deep in the pit of my stomach I could feel unease. I know it’s not going to be a smooth September.

---

6th Sep 2021, Monday Watching: John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch

Recently my bdd creeped back in so I decided to continue ganti puasa. Today I completed ganti puasa day 2 out of 7.

Today’s mood is 👎🏼 That feeling of yearning for something Im not even quite sure of.

The downside of being a girl is the need to differentiate if you’re either having an episode or you’re merely PMS-ing. I think I’ve been successful so far in controlling my mood swings because I am aware that it affects others especially the people I love like my parents who would experience first hand on my switch from jekyll to hyde. I also have this fear of people leaving me especially since I don’t have that many real life friends, so I try my very best to keep my emotions in check. I do not want to hurt my existing little company.

---

7th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: My Moon My Man - Feist

A friend of mine runs hitammanis & I decided to order one shirt/pants combo and it arrived today!

It looked SO cute on her, but on me it looks like Im wearing pajamas 😅 I need to figure out a way to make it look like baju jalan. Right now I’m slowly accumulating the courage to go out and actually SEE people rather than COMPLAINING about missing people. BUT IS IT SAFE ENOUGH THOUGH??

---

8th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Riot Van - Arctic Monkeys

Happy birthday to my car! But the road tax tak sampai lagi though..

My dream fantasy car would be a 70s mini, primarily for nostalgic reason. Our mom used to have one in the 70s wayyyy before I was born. She got into an accident once with my two older siblings and they were all safe and the mini was unscathed while the other car was badly damaged. Now THAT’s one british supremacy that I agree to. lol.

But I know it’s not attainable. Old cars are very expensive to maintain 😕

On other news, my brother caught a fever yesterday but today his temperature went down. These days we get extra worried and always think of the worst.

---

9th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Put Your Dreams to Sleep - Deepset

Today my brother’s temperature spiked up, so he had to do a blood test to check for denggi & also swab test.. Praying very hard for him to be negative :(

Been sleeping at 2am this week because of work. Even when I’ve stopped at 1am, my head would still be thinking about work..

---

10th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Gymnopédie No. 1

My brother is positive 😔 So my parents and I rushed out to get swabbed. When I got back to my laptop for work, I couldn’t focus at all. I’m scared and worried for my brother and my parents.

I also couldn’t help but feel it’s unfair. My brother went out ONE time to send my mom’s car to the workshop and he caught it, while you see others going out socializing MULTIPLE times but still remain healthy. I know I shouldn’t think and feel this way but I JUST CANT HELP IT. I’m sorry. You will only understand if it happens to you.

And it breaks my heart the most seeing my mother sad.

---

11th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Sick Sick Sick - QOTSA

Last night I felt overwhelmingly sad, worried, angry, and just generally stressed.

Thankfully this morning I received news from the clinic that my parents and I are negative. Hamdulillah. Hamdulillah.. At least all of us can focus to care for my brother now. Today he has started to lose his sense of smell and taste :(

Spent my day working. This is what I feel:

---

12th Sep 2021, Sunday - Happy birthday to my colleague AY! 🎂 Listening: We are all made of Stars - Moby

Brother’s temperature went down, but today his head hurts. We try not ask him how he is too much in fear of stressing him out. All we can do is pray for his physical and mental strength..

I get on and off headaches. There are times when my migraine gets so bad I feel like hammering my head to get rid of the hammering headache, if that makes sense?

Speaking of hammering, today I sneaked into my Dad’s toolbox and hammered my bedroom wall for my ever growing plastic cups of plants..

I was quite proud of it! (considering that I am terrible at this stuff) until I realised I used the wrong type of nail. I thought this nail was for hanging picture frames, but it’s actually the type of nail that you use to nail down cables/wires......

Ah well. Learned something new today.

---

13th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Wishes - Beach House

I need to make a list of things I know I cannot do or cope with. So that I can refer to it before I decide to do something that could lead to disappointment. I wonder if there’s two of me would I drive myself to be better or would we both retreat and sink deeper into the blackhole of self-sabotaging thoughts.

---

14th Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Dont Panic - Coldplay

I do not have the capacity to care about anyone else outside my family at the moment. Am I considered selfish that way? I am just protecting my herd.

I am tired. My parents are probably more so. It is mentally exhausting.

---

15th Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: Dry the Rain - The Beta Band

Found out that Norm Macdonald passed away :( What a great loss. Before I had access to Youtube that led to endless clicks of SNL videos, I remember first seeing him as Billy Madison’s friend!

Busy work week until end of September. Thank God tomorrow we’re on leave.

---

16th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Heads will Roll - YYY

JT and I ended up working most of today so it felt like it was a normal working day instead of a public holiday. But I did step out to get coffee and snacks from my usual place.

Sooooo stressed.

Aqi also stopped by to drop off my big cookies! I love seeing her face, she always makes me so happy 🥰

---

17th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: Crazy - Aerosmith

Today I watched The Equalizer 2!! It’s just as sweet as the first one! I love how they wrote the lead character to care about everyone around him, even strangers. SO grateful that I accidentally clicked on the first movie on Netflix few months ago! I love the fight scenes so much, Im OBSESSED

After work, I had to go to the clinic because of my eye (again). This time it’s my left eye. It’s infuriating.

Anyway, lol to this eye-gouging scene. Damn puas hati.

---

18th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Nothing Ever Happened to Me - Deerhunter

Drove mom around for errands. Saw the frame shop open so finally sent my cheap square ikea mirrors to be framed.

Because everything looks good in a frame..right?

I guess.

---

19th Sep 2021, Sunday Watching: Good Boys (2019) - a very cute coming-of-age movie!

I was googling stories about caretakers of people with depression / those living in the same house as people with depression. It must be extremely difficult to try and stay stable so that you don’t go spiralling down into the pit and be depressed yourself.

I wonder if I am a good carer. I wonder if I could ever be anyone’s pillar of strength if the situation demanded me to be.

...

Did a bit of office work and stepped out for double coffee at my usual. It rained throughout the day. It’s kind of nice because I got to wear my hat 😊

Sundaze.

---

20th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

I had a really nice “homemade” nespresso iced latte which is surprising because Im not normally a latte person but I think it’s also because of Sproud. For milk made out of peas, it’s actually VERY delish considering I am NOT a fan of green peas.

Masa kecik2, my Mom used to make telur mata & either green peas or baked beans for breakfast. Guess who played with the green peas instead of eating them..

I avoided swallowing green peas like a plague 😂

---

21st Sep 2021, Tuesday Listening: Luna - The Smashing Pumpkins

My brother is out of quarantine (hamdulillah!) & the first thing he did was call the car cleaner to come and clean our cars lol.

It feels great to see my parents happy to have my brother back on the dining table eating together. They never really show their joy, but you could tell they’re happy when they are chattier than usual 😄

---

22nd Sep 2021, Wednesday Listening: My Party - Kings of Leon

My morning felt longer than usual. I did a lot of reviews for work. Nothing significant happened. Mood is good.

I’ve recently started listening to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. I’ve NEVER listened to any podcast on my own will before, usually it’s in someone else’s car. I’ve been working late a lot more these days and I kept on repeating the same Conan videos on youtube for company, until one night I decided to finally click on apple podcast for the first time in my life (the app has been sitting there idle for YEARS), just to look for his episodes.

& he was just as entertaining in his podcast as he was in his late night show. I love his stories & I especially love his commencement speech to graduating students, I find it very comforting & inspiring 😇

---

23rd Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: I dont’ know - Nick Hakim

We had a 3-hour long budget meeting today.

I had kimchi fried rice as comfort food. I had an entire bottle of pokka mocha with a scoop of ice cream. I regretted this immediately.

Mood not good. Decided to talk to a therapist bot. It actually made me feel sadder and kind of pathetic.

I have not yet met anyone except for aqi & HH who swung by the house for less than 5 minutes to drop off food. I think my sadness is because I lack social interaction. I want to go out & see my friends but I’m not even sure if they want to see me.

So rather than be rejected, might as well just stay in?

---

24th Sep 2021, Friday Listening: On the Sly - Metric

Slept in. Only went out for my second swab test after lunch but had to wait until 2pm because the clinic was on lunch break. Grabbed coffee as usual afterwards.

Work is making me lose steam. But Im trying to fake it just to make it.

---

25th Sep 2021, Saturday Listening: Seven Years - Norah Jones

I picked up my framed cheap ikea mirrors and I love them! Not sure what to do with them yet though.

Mopped the house and did everything else BUT office work even though I have tons to do :(

---

26th Sep 2021, Sunday Listening: Carnival Town - Norah Jones

How would you know if the people you are hanging out with are really the ones you ought to be spending time with? I look at big groups of friends and always wonder if they all get along, or do they have smaller cliques within them?

I wonder how I would fare if I am in a big group myself. Even since sekolah I never knew where I belonged to.

Unfortunately I never grew out of it. Not really looking forward to lone lunches at the office pantry again :(

---

27th Sep 2021, Monday Listening: Gravity - John Mayer

Did not finish work & went straight to bed at 11pm. In an ideal world, people dont even need to look at their work anymore after dinner. So why do companies normalize working after hours? Why are we, the employees, even agree to this?

Oh yeah, because currently I personally do not have the financial freedom to quit, so...

...no choice but to give in.

---

28th Sep 2021, Tuesday Happy birthday Zul! 🎂

Listening: In Transit - Albert Hammond Jr

We had back-to-back meetings & also learned that one of our big bosses is a HUGE conspiracy theories fan specifically on extra terrestrial life. SO RANDOM.

Finished rewatching The Mandalorian and I would probably just keep on rewatching it until the new season comes out this December along with The Book of Boba Fett!!

Also planning to rewatch Star Wars in sequence except maybe the 7 8 9 sequels because I would prefer the legacy to just end at Luke. I am unfortunately NOT a fan of Rey 😬

---

29th Sep 2021, Wed Listening: Because of the Blood - Sin Fang

We had a KPI check-in thing at work to track individual progress & the comment / feedback received about me was on my short attention span lol. I cannot deny that sometimes I DO have problem focusing. But to be honest I didnt realise it was THAT apparent until even the office noticed it. I don’t think that’s a good sign :/

OH WELL as long as it doesnt affect work that much, Im safe (I hope).

---

30th Sep 2021, Thursday Listening: Rock the Casbah - The Clash

Banging headache. Everything annoyed me. Sluggish. I went out just to stretched myself out.

Read about the great resignation and wondering if I would be brave enough to leave. What’s holding me back is my reliance towards the company’s health insurance (which is REALLY good, ngl). Need to do a pros and cons list..

Wanted to draw a hand writing a pros & cons list but tak jadi hahaha

Bye September! You’ve been an intense month!

#rubysep2021 #Illustration

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freddiesaysalright · 4 years

Text

Soft in Love Part 9

A Gwilym Lee x Student!Reader Fic

Summary: Y/N is an acting student in her last semester of college. When a professor unexpectedly can’t make it for the senior capstone class, a very famous (and handsome) substitute is called in. When they connect, they face a few challenges.

Word Count: 3.2k

Tag List: @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic, @bensrhapsody, @deakyclicks, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession, @minigranger, @crazyweirdocalledfriday, @benders-diamond-earring, @im-an-adult-ish, @anincurablefangirl, @kiainspace, @lookuptotheskiesandsee, @god-save-the-deaks, @assembledherethevolunteers, @misslolasworld, @not-john-watsons-blog, @spacedustmazzello, @theindiealto, @riddikuluslypotter, @depressedbitchxox, @tenement-funstah, @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls, @sarablog10, @johndeaconshands, @coincidence-ithinknots-blog, @simonedk, @queenlover05, @goodoldfashionedloverboyy, @the-claire-bitch-project, @kerouacsroad, @rose-writes-prose If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: The drama intensifies! Gwilym and Y/N make some important decisions regarding Edith’s blackmail.

Warning(s): none!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Part 9 here we go!!!

That night, Gwilym picked you up from your dorm. His hands were sweaty as he waited for you to emerge. Again, he was debating telling you about Edith and her threats. That way you wouldn’t be so angry at him. But a stronger part of him didn’t want to make you feel bad. Still, he knew you were going to have questions. He had to come up with something to say to satisfy you.

You slid into the passenger seat, his heart skipping its usual beat at the sight of your smile. When you leaned over to kiss him, he was surprised.

“You’re not angry with me?” he wondered as you sat back to buckle up.

You shook your head. “Daniel told me what happened.”

“Daniel?”

You explained what Daniel told you in the dressing room. You even shared his suggestion to break up and take away Edith’s power. You carefully watched Gwilym’s expression at this. His mouth turned down and he narrowed his eyes. He pulled up to his hotel in silence. As you followed him to his room, you grew more anxious. He wasn’t actually considering what Daniel said was he? You had refused it as an option because it felt impossible. Did Gwilym not feel the same? What did that mean?

Gwilym opened the door for you and you walked inside, legs slightly shaking. You weren’t sure what he might say now. Would he end it?

He flopped down on the bed, lying spread eagle. You crawled up after him and cuddled into his side. His arm draped over your shoulders. It made you feel so safe.

“We’ve got to figure something out,” he said. “She can’t take shows from you.”

“I dunno, baby,” you said. “Maybe we should just let this happen.”

“It’s not right!” he protested.

“No, it’s not, but what can we do?” you replied. “We’ve sort of done this to ourselves.”

“I know,” he sighed irritably. “But I hate this for you.”

“I do too,” you agreed. “I really do. Especially opening night. I wish you had given her closing instead.”

“She asked for that,” he said. “But I couldn’t.”

You sat up and looked sharply at him. “What?! Why?!”

“Now that, I really can’t tell you,” he said. “I’ve got something in mind for that night.”

“A surprise?” you asked, curiosity piqued. “What is it?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?” he returned.

He sat up too and pressed his lips to your temple. Then he sighed again. Your eyes searched his face. You saw in his eyes a deep sadness. It had come on so suddenly, it frightened you.

“I think Daniel’s right,” he said. “I think we should...call it a day.”

Once again, tears filled your eyes.

“Is that really what you want?” you whimpered.

He looked at you, took in your tearful face, and he pulled you into his arms.

“Of course it’s not,” he said. “I just don’t want you to miss out on your rightful chance. I care about you too much, and if being without me is better for you -”

“Stop it,” you sighed and tugged yourself away from him. “Gwilym, you either want to be with me or not. Which is it?”

“I want to be with you,” he answered without hesitation. “It’s just that -”

“No, listen to me,” you said. “It doesn’t matter if we break up. She still heard what she heard, and so did Dan. We can get through this as a couple or separate and still have the same problem.”

He looked thoughtfully at the floor.

“I suppose you’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have considered it.”

You offered a watery smile. “It’s alright. Just...fuck, Gwil. What are we going to do?”

“So now you’re on board to do something?” he teased.

“Yes!” you said, perking up. “Edith can’t do this. She can’t take my shows away from me and she can’t take you away from me.”

“I admire your conviction, darling,” he said with a soft smile.

“Well, she can’t,” you repeated stubbornly.

His heart swelled as he looked at your determined face.

“You’re so cute,” he said, cupping your cheek. You closed your eyes to his touch. “I love you.”

Your eyes snapped open to meet Gwilym’s. His were wide, frightened, as if he’d just told you something terrible instead of perhaps the most wonderful thing you’d ever heard in your life.

“You...you love me?”

Gwilym took a deep breath, relaxing his face. He looked at you. This time with strength and confidence.

“Yes, Y/N,” he said. “That’s where my heart is. I love you.”

A smile spread slowly across your face as he said it again.

“I love you too,” you replied. “So, so much.”

He grinned. Then pulled you in for another kiss. It was soft and tender and expressive. Everything that reflected the moment. Your heart felt full. This was so right.

“I love you,” he said again as you parted. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you giggled.

“Because I love you, I’m not going to let Edith have this,” he said, getting to his feet. “I’m going to restore your nights to you and go to the Dean’s office myself.”

Panic shot through you.

“No!” you cried. “They’ll fire you!”

“So what?” he returned. “I’ll tell them it was me, and you shouldn’t be punished.”

“If you’re going to lie, it might as well be a flat out denial,” you pointed out. “Let’s face it, I came on to you. I think we should let her go to the Dean’s office and then deny when there’s questions.”

“It is her word against ours,” he said.

“Oh, fuck,” you sighed.

“What?”

“I forgot about Dan,” you said. “He heard us too. She’s got another witness.”

“Shit,” he muttered.

A beat passed as you both pondered.

“Y/N, please let me do the honorable thing,” he said. “Let me take the fall for this so you don’t have to lose.”

You bottom lip quivered. “But then you’ll leave…”

“It won’t be forever,” he said. “I’ll stay in New York until you’re done and then we’ll figure it out. Together.”

“I can’t let you,” you told him. “I can’t let you take this alone.”

“Please,” he said again. “Let me do this for you.”

A tear slid down your cheek. Any more ups and downs and you were sure your head would literally be spinning.

“We don’t have to decide tonight,” you said. “I’m so tired. Can’t we just lay down and forget about all of it? We love each other, we should be celebrating.”

He smiled gently.

“You’re right,” he said. “I’ll order some champagne and then we’ll just relax. It’s been a long day.”

“You’re the best,” you told him.

He did order champagne and some dinner from room service. Together, you ate, took a bath, and then settled into bed and watched some trashy reality TV show. For a couple hours, all thoughts of Edith, the show, and anything else were null and void. You were in love with Gwilym, and he loved you right back. Despite everything going on, you were completely and totally happy.

On Thursday, when you arrived early, Edith and Gwilym were already there. He was speaking calmly to her but she looked furious. Her eyes flashed toward you when you walked through the door. She stormed toward you.

“Just because you’re fucking the professor, you think you can get whatever you want,” she spat. Literally. She was so close to you, you felt drops of saliva on your face. “Well, I’ll get rid of you right now!”

“Oh, shut up,” you replied, rolling your eyes. “I got the part of Esther before Gwilym was even here.”

She stamped her foot and then whipped around to face Gwilym again.

“I’m going to the Dean’s office right now!” she shouted. “You’ll both be out of here!”

“Go then!” you yelled back.

She swept out of the auditorium, trying to slam the door behind her, but it was too slow and it clicked shut softly. When she was well away, you jogged over to Gwilym.

“What do you want to do?” you asked frantically.

He stared at the spot where Edith disappeared.

“I want to keep teaching,” he admitted. “I want to stay with you.”

“So, we lie?” you wondered.

He nodded and looked at you. “We lie.”

You sat in anxiety for the remainder of the ten minutes until the rest of the class started showing up. Gwilym started to go on with class as usual, starting with attendance, when suddenly, Edith burst back into the auditorium. You would have rolled your eyes at her dramatics if it weren’t for the three people following her: Dr. Curtis, the head of the department; Dr. Dragel, the Dean of Students; and Sheri Peacock, the Chancellor.

Gwilym glanced at you before turning to his old teacher.

“Dr. Curtis,” he said. “To what do I owe the pleasure of our guests?”

“It’s very serious, Gwilym,” Dr. Curtis replied. “Miss Bernard here has made an...an accusation.”

“What sort of accusation?” Gwilym asked.

God, he was good. If you didn’t know any better, you would have thought him genuinely confused.

“About you and Y/N,” Edith said. “You’re sleeping together!”

The whole class turned eyes on you and Sloan gasped loudly next to you. Andrew was staring daggers into your left side. Gwilym blinked and his mouth dropped. You wanted to disappear into your chair. You didn't think she’d do this in front of the whole class.

“I - are you joking?!” he cried. “That’s ridiculous!”

“It is not a joke, Mr. Lee,” said Dr. Dragel. He was a stern man who was not very popular with the student body because of his strictness. “This sort of accusation is no laughing matter. She claims she heard the act taking place in Dr. Bennett’s office.”

The whole class was whispering now, a wave of shock going through them. Sloan grabbed your arm and leaned into your ear.

“Is it true?” she hissed.

You gave a curt nod, barely moving at all, and only after ensuring that the three upper faculty members had their back to you. Sloan glared fiercely at you.

“We should discuss this in private,” Dr. Curtis said. “There are dressing rooms backstage where we won’t cause so much commotion.”

He scanned the crowd and found you.

“Y/N, come with us, please,” he said.

You stood up, feeling every person’s eyes on you as you shimmied down the row and into the aisle. The murmurs of everyone were driving you crazy. You couldn’t hear what they were saying, but you guessed the general idea. They were discussing favoritism and scandal. You clearly heard the word “slut” from someone a row in front of you.

Putting your head down, you followed the faculty members and Edith to the dressing room. The same one where Gwil had delivered the horrible news to you earlier that week. Chancellor Peacock and Dr. Dragel looked between you and Gwilym as Dr. Curtis closed the door.

“Well, Miss Y/L/N,” said Chancellor Peacock. “Is it true? Are you and Mr. Lee in a relationship?”

“No!” you insisted. “Edith’s been jealous of me all semester, she’s making this up!”

“Don’t lie, I heard you!” Edith interjected.

“Miss Bernard, please,” said Dr. Dragel. “We’ve heard your side of the story, now we need to hear theirs.”

“I don’t know what she heard - if she heard anything at all,” you said. “But I don’t go to office hours ever. I don’t need to. This class has only one grade and it’s the show.”

“Why would Miss Bernard accuse you of something like this?” wondered Chancellor Peacock.

“Edith’s ambitious and jealous,” you said. “She really wanted my part. Not to mention, she’s been hitting on Gwilym all semester. Everyone in class will tell you that. I guess it was because she was upset I got more attention from him than she did.”

“Mr. Lee, anything to say?” Dr. Dragel asked, turning to Gwilym.

“Y/N is right, Edith has made several advances, all of which I’ve turned down,” he said. “I don’t want to say she’s a liar, but I can’t speak to what she heard that day.”

“Were you...watching pornography or something?” Dr. Dragel pressed.

“What? God, no!” Gwilym answered. “That office doesn’t even belong to me. I wouldn’t dream of doing something like that.”

Chancellor Peacock looked at Edith. “Is it true you made advances toward Gwilym?”

Edith’s face went pink. “Well - I - yes, I did,” she admitted. “But I stopped after a while because he was so clearly into Y/N.”

“Was it clear?” Dr. Curtis spoke up. “Y/N is the star of the show, it’s natural for the director to spend extra time with her. In all my rehearsals with you, I’ve never noticed anything other than professionalism from both of you. Edith on the other hand, I did see being flirtatious.”

“And you didn’t say anything?” Dr. Dragel snapped.

“Well, I expected the girls to like him,” Dr. Curtis said. “Look at him! It didn’t seem very serious, so I let it go.”

“Let me get this straight,” Chancellor Peacock said. “Edith has been flirting with Gwilym consistently over the semester. She wanted Y/N’s role from the start. Y/N got more attention from Gwilym. Now, just two weeks before the show opens, she’s come to us with a claim of an inappropriate relationship between Y/N and Gwilym that no one else can corroborate. Is that the situation here?”

“Yes,” you and Gwilym said in unison then exchanged a playful smile.

“Well, then,” Dr. Dragel said. “I think it’s perfectly clear what’s going on.”

“Hold on, I have another witness!” Edith said desperately. “Daniel was with me when I heard them. He heard it too.”

Your stomach dropped. Dr. Curtis left the room to fetch Daniel and get his statement on things. Your heart pounded. Would Daniel lie? Would he defend what Edith said? He told you he didn’t agree with her, but he was already on academic probation. If he lied now, and was found out, he could be suspended from the school.

You looked at Gwilym, willing him to look back at you, only he didn’t. He couldn’t really. It would be too obvious now. Your hand itched to clasp his for comfort. If this was the moment you went down together, you needed his support. Only, you couldn’t. Everything hinged on what Daniel might say. When the door opened, it startled you.

“Okay, Mr. Snow,” said Dr. Dragel. “Here’s what we’ve heard.”

He went over everything again. What Edith said, what you and Gwilym said, and all the information. Daniel listened, not looking at anyone, his focus solely on Dr. Dragel.

“So,” Dr. Dragel wrapped up. “Did you hear them...uh...well - did you hear them -”

“Bangin’?” Daniel finished.

Dr. Dragel flushed. You fought back a brutal urge to throttle your ex boyfriend.

Chancellor Peacock interjected. “Did you hear them having intercourse in the office?”

“Nope,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t know what she’s talking about.”

Edith’s mouth dropped. Yours almost did too, but you couldn’t look shocked. You looked relieved instead, which was also something you were feeling.

“We went to his office so Edith could ask to play Esther for one night,” Daniel went on. “Gwilym said no. That was that.”

Gwilym sighed with relief. You did the same.

“Well, I think this makes things perfectly clear,” said Dr. Curtis, glaring at Edith. “You, young lady, will be -”

Guilt washed over you. Edith wasn’t lying, and as angry as you were with her, she didn’t deserve to be punished.

“Dr. Curtis,” you said, interrupting. “Please don’t punish Edith. I know her actions were drastic, but jealousy is a complicated emotion. I don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“Miss Y/L/N, this is a serious thing she accused a member of our faculty of,” Dr. Dragel said. “And quite frankly, any disciplinary action is not up to you.”

“I agree with Y/N,” Gwilym added. “It was likely a misunderstanding. Something she thought she heard, but didn’t. Besides, it’s not like I’m a permanent member of faculty.”

“Permanent or otherwise,” Dr. Dragel went on. “To falsely accuse someone of taking advantage of a student makes cases like these all the harder for real victims of such offenses. It isn’t right.”

You opened your mouth to protest again, seeing the anguish on Edith’s face, but Chancellor Peacock stepped forward.

“Dr. Dragel, Dr. Curtis, and I will deal with Edith now,” she said. “The rest of you may go.”

“But -”

“Y/N, we must go,” Gwilym cut across you.

He led you and Daniel back out, and all three of you went to the next dressing room on the other side of the stage. You popped in and closed the door.

“Thank you!” you cried, throwing yourself into Daniel’s arms. “Thank you so much!”

“No problem,” he returned. “You can owe me one.”

“I owe you a thousand,” you said, pulling back and looking at him.

“Why stand up for Edith, though?” he asked.

“Because she wasn’t actually lying,” you replied. “I felt kinda bad.”

Daniel laughed. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Really, Daniel, thank you,” Gwilym added, extending his hand.

Daniel shook it. “Really, it’s nothing. The situation is all kinds of fucked, but I thought you guys deserved a chance.”

He looked at you and remembered how you’d exclaimed your love for Gwilym. He would never tell you so, but that was what convinced him to lie for you.

“It means a great deal,” Gwilym said. “Now, I’ve got to go tell the class what happened so they don’t get carried away.”

“Oh, yeah, pretty sure Mary and Leon already started a rumor that Y/N is pregnant,” Daniel said.

Gwilym sighed. “Oh, God. I might be too late.”

You chuckled as Gwilym kissed you swiftly on the cheek and went out. You looked at Daniel.

“Seriously, Dan, if there’s anything I can do for you,” you said. “Let me know.”

He looked at the floor and toed the ground with his boot. “Well...there is one thing.”

“Anything!” you reminded him.

“D’you…” he trailed off. “Ah, nevermind, it’s stupid.”

You took his arm before he could leave.

“Dan, just tell me,” you said.

He sighed. “Do you know if Andrew is into guys at all?”

You blinked, absolutely stunned.

“A-are you into guys?” you questioned.

“Yeah…” he said. “Well, mostly the one guy. But he’s so hung up on you and I dunno how he feels about...y’know…”

You smiled. “To answer your question, yes, Andrew is also into guys. And I think he’s mad enough at me now to be over me.”

Daniel chuckled. “Alright. Thanks, Y/N.”

“If you’re gonna go for Andrew, you better not cheat on him,” you warned.

“I won’t,” he said with a laugh. “Promise.”

You went out together to the auditorium.

“...so please forget what you heard,” Gwilym was finishing up. “It was all a misunderstanding.”

“So, you and Y/N aren’t sleeping together?” asked Leon.

“No, we’re not,” Gwilym said.

Your eyes found Andrew and Sloan. Both of them were glowering at you. You knew they were mad, and you were pretty sure you understood why. You just hoped they could understand too.

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wexhappyxfew · 4 years

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hello!! happy trivia thursday, and happy landslide eve 🙇‍♀️✨💗 (who knows if this’ll be my only q tehe)

what’s been the most interesting/your most favorite thing you’ve learned about the polish resistance, polish history, or anything new while doing the research for landslide? and what’s something you wish more people knew about poland/the resistance during ww2? (if you have one!)

CATHERINE!!! AHHH HI QUEEN!! happy trivia thursday my friend and AHHH YES!!! happy landslide eve!! (and omg don’t worry i’ll be here to answer how ever many u send <3) and I PROMISE IM GETTING BACK TO YOUR MESSAGE TONIGHT!!! LOL!!

and omg this question!! there’s so so many different things that i’ve learned within my time for research done prior to landslide i don’t even know where to start, but there’s one thing that has stuck in my mind ever since researching it that i found absolutely fascinating and was highly inspiring when writing!!

During the Second World War, the Polish Resistance was the largest underground resistance movement in ALL of Occupied-Europe. And MAN YOU SHOULDVE SEEN MY FACE. When I first read that I was so surprised and immediately fascinating! I knew I had to take that somewhere. The most fascinating aspect of what they did during their time, was that they were most notable for saving more Jewish lives in the Holocaust than any other Western-Allied organization or government. Those two simple facts drew me in and immediately made me entirely fascinated with each aspect of the Polish side of the war and ready to write a story for them. I could go on, but that would require essays at this point LOL

Something I wish people knew more about Poland and their Resistance and what happened to them when they were initially invaded on September 1st, 1939 was something I heavily include in Landslide. Natia’s parents are Cultural Elites - the main topic I really want to discuss and I feel more people should know more about it.

I’m going to put a cut here for this LOL it’s my summary of notes from one of my docs for the cultural elites :)

CULTURAL ELITES - Poland WW2: known as the Polish Intelligentsia, Nazis began exterminating them by way of the military operations of the Special Prosecution Book-Poland, the German AB-Aktoin in Poland and the Intelligenzaktion, and the Intelligenzaktion Pommern. The Soviet union executed the Katyn massacre of 1940 during which university professors, physicians, lawyers, engineers, teachers, writers and journalists were murdered - it was to eliminate any possible resistance leader - because these were the most likely to form resistance groups and to stop the spread of culture (the culture of the Polish).

Special Prosecution Book-Poland: German (Sonderfahndungsbuch Polem) was the proscription list prepared by the Germans immediately before the onset of war (2 years), that identified more than 61,000 members of the polish elites: activists, intelligentsia, scholars, actors, former officers, and prominent others, who were to be interned or shot on the spot upon their identifications following the invasion. This was being secretly prepared nearly 2 years before the invasion compiled by the Zentralstelle IIP Polen or the Central Unit IIP-Poland unit of the Gestapo with help from some members of the German minority living in pre-war Poland. This unit was created by Reinhard Heydrich in order to coordinate the ethnic cleansing of all Poles in Operation Tannenberg.

German AB-Aktion in Poland: was a second stage of the Nazi German campaign of violence during WW2 to eliminate the intellectuals and the upper classes of the Second Polish Republic across the territories slated for eventual annexation. Most common was ‘forced disappearance’ but many were sent to concentration camps if not killed.

Intelligenzaktion: or Intellgenstia mass shootings, was a, not always, secret mass murder conducted by Nazi Germany against the Polish Intelligentsia (teachers, priests, physicians, et al) The Operations were conducted to realize the Germanization of the western regions of occupied Poland before territorial annexation of the German Reich. September 9th, 1939 - 6 bodies were left out after a mass killing for 6 hours to terrorize the citizens. Operation Tannenberg was the anti-Polish extinction memento.

Intelligenzaktion Pommern: was a Nazi German operation aimed at the eradication of the Polish Intelligentsia in Pomeranion Voviodeship and the surrounding areas at the beginning of WW2. Part of the larger genocidal Intelligenzaktion. It was pruposed to install Nazi officals from Sipo, Kripo, Gestapo and SD at the helm of a new administration machine. (my parents are in their final resting place with a hundred others in the middle of nowhere - that is no way to end a good life like their own) It was on the direct orders of Adolf Hitler, then carried out by Reinhard Heydrich bureau of Referat Tannenberg along with Heinrich Himmler’s SS-RSHA (Main Security Office).

Intelligentsia: is a status class of educated people engaged in the complex mental labors that critique, guide and lead in shaping culture and poltics of their society. As a statues class, the intelligentsia includes artists, teachers and academics, writers and the literary hommes de lettres. Individual members of the intelligentsia are known as intellectuals. This status of class arose int he late 18th century in Russian-controlled Poland during the age of the Partitions (1772-95).

In the 19th century, the Polish Intellectual Bronislaw Trentowski coined the term intelligentcja (intellectuals) to identify and describe the educated and professionally active social stratum of the patriotic bourgeoisie who could be the cultural leaders of Poland, then under the authoritarian regime of Russian Tsarist autocracy, from the late 18th century to the early 20th century. This was part of the reason Nazis did what they did to exterminate the culture and spread of the Polish culture. In Russia before the Bolshevik Revolution (1917) the term intelligentsia described the status of class of educated people whose cultural capital (schooling, education, enlightenment - this is why Natia says she WAS happy, but now isnt - it was taken from her) allowed them to assume practical political leadership. In practice, the statues and social function of the intelligentsia varied by society.

I hope this was a good enough answer for you!! The second I saw that second part I got so excited to share these notes with you!! But just to clarify - Natia’s parents are both Cultural Elites and because of the events above were eventually killed for these reasons (something I enjoyed intertwining with history and fiction) and Natia will mention quite a few times. I LOVED THESE QUESTIONS THANK YOU CATH!! <3

#band of brothers #bob fic #landslide #research #poland #polish resistance #cultural elites #research process #history

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pbandjesse · 4 years

Text

There is like a really beautiful breeze right now. Its great. Today was great for like 99% of the day. Great first day of my new job.

I slept okay last night. I woke up before my alarm because I was nervous. Not shocked. But I got up and showered and ready to go. I did not wear the dress I planned. I wore my favorite yellow dress (which somehow I broke the strap on within hours of getting to camp??) and boots and felt real cute.

I was getting ready to go and said good bye to James and went to say goodby to sweetP and my backpack fell off my back and smacked him when I went to pet him. I felt so horrible!! I hurt him!! I had to put everything down and go make sure he was okay and give him treats before I would feel comfortable going.

But I was out of the house on time. I drove to pick up Charlotte. And I was nervous about that but that ended up being fine. We talked the whole time and it was fun. Helped my nerves I think. Because it was a distraction.

It was a beautiful day though. We got there and the camp continues to just be beautiful and idyllic. Like its amazing how quintessentially summer camp it is.

The day was long but fun. I didnt like. Make a new best friend or anything but everyone was real nice. We started the day with introductions and stuff. And then we all went over to get the first aid skill check. But that is where the one like. Upsetting thing of the day was.

We all walk over to the pool house were they had all the dummies set up and things. And the guy introduces himself and asks if we had taken the online class. And I raised my hand to tell him that despite me asking twice, I was never sent the links, but I was already certified and I just wanted a refresher. And he like snapped at me that I had to leave. Like legitimately he said you have to get out of here, you cant be here. Go talk to Alexi (one of the people who run the camp) because you cant be here. It was. Kind of humiliating. I had to like get my bag and walk back down the hill to the office. And everyone said "Goodbye Jesse". And like. This is not a reflection on the camp, but it really kind of upset me and gave me knots in my stomach.

But I found Alexi and I told her what was going on. And she tried to figure out why no one sent me the thing. And it seems like it might be because I told them (and sent my paperwork) that I am already certified but it was weird. I was able to get the links later in the day and I might do that refresher tomorrow. But yeah that upset me.

Eventually though 2 more people were sent away because they had not received the 2nd half of the class email. So I really think it was on the Y's end. They ended up both having laptops with them so they proceeded to work on the class. And I asked if I could get started on art stuff and went to pull out supplies from the office's attic.

Once I was done up there I went with Heather (one of the other people who runs the place)'s daughter Sophie. She is 15 and very sweet. We wandered around differnt cabins to try to find art supplies but did not have luck. And we were both kind of winded from walking up hills.

We headed back to the office and got the keys to the art building and decided to just. Organize and clean.

And thats what we did for over 2 hours. Its a cute little shack. But it was very dirty. While I was organizing and Sophie was sweeping, we found a little black rat snake! We thought it was dead but it was not. So Sophie called her mom to come get it. I wanted to use a broom and put it in a bucket to put outside, but instead Heather came and grabbed him and took him to their nature center! Amazing. I am so excited to get to meet the animals there.

Around noon the shack was sufficiently organized and swept. I would have to do a few more hours later in the day to organize the supplies they found (which was like 14 rubber maid tubs) but for now it was lunch.

Before lunch we did a little get to know you game as small groups. That was fun. I am not the oldest! There is at least one 31 year old. A lot of them were surprised by my age though. I got that a lot today. Most of them are sub 23. A few of them are 16! Wild. But its nice to have such a nice mix.

They got us pizza for lunch. I got to talk to a lot of people more. Im starting to remember names.

There was some paperwork to be done after that. Fingerprinting. And then I went on a small tour of the camp. Im starting to get my bearing but it will take a while. This place is really big.

The tour was fun. I liked seeing the horses. I got to pet one and a greyhound dog. They are my favorite dog because they have puppy fur forever. I also like the frog pond a lot. I really just had a very good time today.

I was free to return to the art building after that. Chris (the last person in the primary group of 3 that run the place) and Charlotte went with a car to go find and bring me those art tubs. And two girls helped me sort and clean.

It was a lot of work but I got all the rainbow shelves organized for each project I want to do. Its not perfect but I am really jazzed.

It was a long day. Around 430 we finished up in the art shack. I was dehydrated and needed to get some water. But the spout at the art shed needs a little more flushing before it will taste good. Apparently it is contentious what is the best tasting water on the campus.Some vote for art shack though so thats good. I still need to figure out what bathrooms I will use but thats not a big deal, there are a lot of options.

I went back to the office cabin to find Charloette. We hung out there for a while until her meeting and then once that was done we headed home.

It was a nice ride. Shes sweet. She filled me in on some more info she got in her meetings. And then I dropped her off. I am not going in the next two days but she is. Shes got rides lined up though so its all good. Ill see her thursday.

I got home and I was. Super tired. I was so happy to see my boys. I joked about the clout I got from using "Jimmy" instead of "James" because thats what they all know him as. And I told him about my day while eating a popsicle.

And then I proceeded to fall asleep. I slept pretty hard. And woke up at 815 delirious and thirsty. But I drank a bunch of water and James made me a sandwich and I had some ice cream and I feel okay now. Still tired. And kind of dirty. So Im going to go take a bath.

I hope you all have a nice day tomorrow. Sleep good you guys!

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xserpentlife · 5 years

Text

Im just Tired

peaRequest: @if-i-was-a-person I have a Sweet Pea x reader request if I may. #29 from list 3 and #17 from list 4, please! The reader is very tired from serpent jobs and tells her boyfriend Sweet Pea how cute he is and how much she loves him and what she loves about him. Please and thank you!

Summary: Pea has been helping out at the wyrm ever since tall boy left the serpents. Instead of FP picking Sweet Pea for the jobs he chose his girlfriend Y/L. No matter how much Pea begged Y/N was the one going, and he was beginning to get worried.

Warnings: Nothing really just some fluff

A/N: I hope you like this and I hope I fit #17 in there well enough

Word Count: 1591

Recently FP has been making you do the runs with him at first it was once every other week. You were doing so well that he let you come with him an extra day one week and you happily went. But now for the past week and a half, you were doing runs with him almost every night. The runs weren't bad at first you were used to staying up late but it slowly started getting worse. This was the 4th night in a row that you came home around 4 in the morning and pea was starting to see the toll it had on you. All he wanted to do was help, but he couldn't do anything FP was the leader after all.

The first night it happened it was bad you came home and climbed into bed with pea, and in the morning you went to school, you only got a few hours of sleep that night but you thought it would be a one-time thing. You didn't expect to be called the next night to go on a run. You got 2 hours of sleep that night. That morning pea asked you what time you got home and you lied. He thought you had a full nights rest. You knew you couldn't tell him or he would be mad.

You went to school and during lunch, you fell asleep while sitting at the lunch table. You would've smacked your head into the table if Pea didn't put his hand under your face. The third night FP called pea told you to say no but you couldn’t. You wanted to prove that you could do this like everyone else. You thought everyone did runs this much, but tallboy was the only one who ever did. Pea knew that and he was tired of seeing you so exhausted. You did the run that night and again only got a few hours of sleep. You were taking a bath in the morning before school started and fell asleep. Sweet pea ran in when the water was running for so long and found you. He knew if this kept happening something bad was gonna happen to you. At this point, he knew you were lying, and he knew he had to help you.

That afternoon Pea went for his shift at the Wyrm as you were finishing up some school work. You were gonna meet him there. As you were walking in you heard screaming from FP’ s office so you ran up before you entered you noticed the voice. “FP you need to give her a break shes so out of it recently she does the run comes home to sleep for an hour or two has a full day at school works at the wyrm sometimes and runs again. She has no time to do school work, no time for friends, no time to even sleep most of all. soon she's gonna be like a walking zombie. Let me at least take over a couple days a week. Y/N and I will switch every other day if I have to I don't care I can not see her like this”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that boy that lip is the exact reason she is doing the runs. I told you before when you asked I want her not you. She said she could take over tall boys place so she is. She's doing a damn fine job at it. NOW LEAVE MY OFFICE” sweets grabbed FP’s arm

“but FP she isn't okay let her at least miss one day” and from the window, I could see FP shove sweets against the wall

“Listen here PEA SHE IS DOING THE JOB AND THAT IS FINAL” and he went to push him out the door so I ran down the steps like I was just walking in.

You pretended like nothing happened asking pea to grab you a beer from behind the bar. You were happy he stood up for you but you couldn't tell FP these jobs were tearing you apart from the inside out. You were sitting at the bar watching people play pool and saw sweets glaring at FP’s office. FP walked down the steps saying you guys had a long run tonight and told you to meet him outside” You started walking outside and pea grabbed you “Y/N you don’t have to go just say no”

“Pea I'm ok I’ll see you tonight” and with that you kissed him and left, It was Friday so you knew you could sleep in tomorrow, and that's the only thing that kept you going.

You got to your trailer even later than usual. You almost fell asleep at the wheel driving home, and you didn't even want to get out of the car. But you gained some energy, enough to walk inside anyway. You couldn't make it to the bedroom so you laid on the couch and fell asleep. You woke up to pea carrying you into the bedroom you were so sleep deprived you looked up at him and said: “I know your a boy and boys aren’t supposed to be pretty, but damn, are you a pretty boy.” he laughed lowly and you could hear the mix of worry in his voice. he laid you down so you could sleep but when you looked at the alarm clock it read 5:30 am the time you usually get up for school. You thought it was Thursday and said to pea “No pea I gotta get ready for school” he looked at you sadness in his eyes and said

“no baby, you can sleep as long as you want its Saturday just close your eyes and sleep ok” and that is exactly what you did when you woke up and looked out the trailer window you saw the sun setting. You walked out of the bedroom expecting pea to be at the Wyrm but instead, he was sat on the couch head in hands. You were confused so you said “Hey baby why aren't you working are you okay” you didn't know what was gonna come next.

“Babe I should be asking you the same question. I know you’ve been lying to me When was the last time you slept?!?”.

“Pea I am fine I swear”

“Do not lie to me. I found you asleep in the bath you could have drowned, you almost hit your head at lunch, and you fell asleep on the couch and couldn’t even make it to the bedroom... this shit is getting dangerous baby I really need you to tell me the truth...”

“truthfully a few hours this week here and there. I’d come over and climb in bed with you after I’d get back from a job. I didn't expect to go on a job every night, and I didn’t want to worry you”

“why didn’t you tell me what was going on I could have made sure you were okay” and that's when he broke head in his hands he looked up at me and I saw the tear roll down his cheek. You sat next to him on the couch and just hugged him. You explained to him you wanted to prove both to FP and yourself that you could do this. Your phone buzzed Sweet pea grabbed it and read the message saying that FP was going to pick you up for the job from your trailer. You started to get up to go get dressed but pea held you down “Pea I have to go get dressed I can’t let him down”

“Baby I’m sorry you can be mad at me all you want but you are not going on that job. I will go with him and if he is mad then he can do whatever he wants to me but you are not going and I will not let you walk out of this house. Just let me help you” you could tell how upset he was so you just responded okay and that's when you heard the knock on the door. Sweet Pea opened it and you could see FP looking at you from the steps.

“come on Y/L lets go” was the first thing out of his mouth. Sweet Pea stepped in front of you as you were about to say anything and with the most confidence in the world said

“FP I'm sorry if you're pissed after this but Y/N is not going with you and that is final. For a week now she has been doing everything that you wanted her to do. She wanted to prove to herself she could do it but she was too stubborn to realize it was slowly killing her. The number of times she could have died this week due to lack of sleep makes me sick in my stomach. So I'm sorry if you're mad you can deal with me but she is not going with you and that is final”

Before FP could say anything you said “I’m sorry FP I cant go what sweets is saying is true, I don't mind going on jobs but I can’t do it every day it just isn’t possible”

FP literally said okay and started walking away you and sweets looked at each other confusion in your eyes and sweets said “okay? that's it your not mad”

“no, I’m not mad all I wanted to do was see if Y/N would stand up for herself or realize that she can say no. It may have taken you to help her realize what was going on, but she did it that shows the true strength. I also got to learn how far she will go for her family” and with that FP hopped in his truck and left.

I turned to sweets and thanked him for standing up for me, and then we sat on the couch and fell asleep watching TV

#riverdale x reader #riverdale x you #riverdale reader insert #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea #sweetpea #sweet pea reader insert #sweet pea x you

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awesomenightfall · 5 years

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all this and heaven, too

For @lucyrne! Modern!AU Varric/Bethany nonsense (featuring garbage!Purple!Hawke, ofc.) Mild language and mild (not explicit) sexual content. yes I also snuck in my guilty pleasure ship, Hawke --> Cassandra. Unbeta’d trash. Sorry.

---

Varric was two clicks away from confirming his Edible Arrangements order before sanity returned.

Sorry I had sex with your little sister, enjoy this fruit basket was probably not the best way to broach the subject of his night with Bethany.

Like most things in Varric’s life, he hadn’t planned for it to happen. Bethany Hawke, infinitely good, patient, and wonderful, having a sliver of interest in someone like him was too fantastical for even his overactive imagination. Sure, there had been months of blatant flirting, but Varric figured it was Bethany just being a nice girl. He never could have dreamed that what started as a friendly dinner and drinks would turn into “Oh shit, it’s 4:00 am and Bethany lost her bra under the bed.”

He never could have dreamed that that the venn diagram of Varric’s Pathetic Fantasies and Varric’s Harsh Reality would actually overlap for once in his life.

And of course, it had to happen with his best friend’s little sister.

Worse, it wasn’t even the usual “I’m so sad and lonely and hate myself” sex Varric indulged in. It ventured into “Oh no, I care about you and respect you” territory and that was terrifying in and of itself without the added complication of it being with a Hawke.

Varric knew there was always the option of never telling his best friend about his transgression, but he had had lived the secret relationship life before, and romance novels made it seem so much more glamorous than reality. No one liked to be kept a secret and both Bethany and Hawke (and himself, damn it) deserved better than that.

So here he was, prepared to send his lifelong friend an Edible Arrangement (because nothing said, “sorry I probably betrayed your trust and banged -- lovingly and respectfully, mind you -- your sister” like chocolate covered fruit) just to avoid the face-to-face confrontation.

Shutting his laptop, Varric looked up to his ceiling for answers and sighed when none were given. If he wanted to see where this thing with Bethany went, they’d eventually have to come clean to Hawke.

His phone dinged and, of course, it was the man he was hoping to avoid for the next fifty years or so.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: the eagle flies at midnight!! caw caw!!

[Varric]: Hawke? When did you change your name in my phone?

[Varric]: Also, what the hell are you talking about? It’s 9:00 pm.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: meet me @ the gym tomorrow at 7 sharp. officer mchottie lifts bright and early and im gonna be there to meet her. need my wingdwarf to hype me up

Varric was mid “go fuck yourself” text because he did not do mornings and he doubly did not do the gym when a pang of guilt hit him.

Shit.

[Varric]: Fine, but I’m only telling one Champion of Kirkwall story and then I’m out of there. I hate how gyms smell of sweat, self loathing, and despair.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: ur the best! ;)

No he wasn’t.

He was garbage that was falling in love with his best friend’s sister.

---

“So who is this mystery lady that I got out of bed for?” Varric asked, plopping down on a nearby bench. “A cop? What, going legit, Hawke?”

He and Varric had skirted the law enough times that it was hilarious to think that Hawke wanted to hook up with an officer of the law. Varric was sure this was some kind of weird fantasy fulfillment or maybe Hawke had just run out of women in Kirkwall to have sex with. Either way, he had an ulterior motive: he was helping his friend, so perhaps Hawke would be more open to the possibility of Varric maybe, just maybe, dating his sister.

Hawke craned his neck, tilting his head towards the far side of the room. “10:00 o’clock. Don’t be so obvious. Wait a few seconds before looking.”

“Discretion is my middle name. So, about Bethany --”

“What about her?” Hawke started stretching just for show.

Varric’s throat dried up. The rational part of his mind knew Hawke would probably be fine with it. But the irrational part of his mind, the one that sounded suspiciously like the father of his ex, was screaming that he was worthless and what did have to bring to the table of any relationship?

He was a moderately successful author, he reminded himself. A businessman. A pretty damn good friend. Hawke’s damn good friend. Hawke’s damn good friend who helped get him laid by talking about how awesome Hawke was all the time.

But still...

“We--” Varric narrowed his eyes once he hit the 10:00 position. There stood a very familiar woman, tall, with cropped hair and cheekbones that could cut a man. “Wait. Isn’t that the cop who arrested me a few months back?”

Hawke’s eyes widened innocently. Too innocently. “What? Whatever do you mean?”

Varric scowled. “You can’t be serious.”

“Oh my dear, Varric,” Hawke chuckled. “I’m always serious.”

A headache starting from the base of his neck starting creeping up. It was a welcome distraction from his internal “This Is Why I Suck” monologue. “Hawke. She arrested me!”

“Well, maybe you deserved it.”

“She arrested and questioned me trying to get to you!” Varric hissed. It was taking all of his impeccable self control not to drop the Fine, you want to hook up with the cop that cuffed me? Good, because I made your sister scream my name last night. In your apartment bomb. “Where’s your loyalty?”

Says the dwarf sleeping with his friend’s precious little sister.

Hawke gestured towards the woman in question with a flourish. “Who needs loyalty when you could have those biceps? And did you see her abs? I know for a fact that she’s a huge fan of yours. You’re my in.”

Varric scrubbed his hand with his face. He’d rather listen to Anders’ manifesto -- the unabridged version -- than do this, but his conscience was eating at him.

“You owe me. You owe me so much and I’m going to collect, you bastard.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

---

Varric’s pocket vibrated, no doubt a message from Hawke scheming another plan to try to get a date with Officer Pentaghast, who did not take their earlier bait. In fact, she had looked them both over and only uttered a disgusted little, “Ugh” at the interruption to her workout. Varric imagined that the chase made her all the more appealing to Hawke; he was a true masochist.

Maybe that’s why they were such good friends. They did so love to suffer for their bad decisions.

“Is everything alright?” Bethany asked, pausing the television. It was Thursday, which meant they were indulging in their weekly bad reality show watching ritual, but Varric could barely concentrate on the shitty lives of the people on TV because he was so entrenched in his own bullshit. “You’re a million miles away.”

“Yes,” he said immediately but then thought better of himself. Bethany deserved better. “Shit, no. Sorry, Sunshine.”

Bethany gave him a sympathetic look and took his hand. “You’re not internally monologuing again, are you?”

“She said wisely, knowing full well that was exactly what he was doing.” Varric chuckled. “Just thinking about Hawke.”

“Ugh,” she said, not able to disguise the fondness in her voice. “Must you? He gets your attention every other hour of the day. Concentrate on the Hawke in front of you, if you please.”

He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Varric had done it a thousand times in the years he had known her, but it felt new, exciting. Great, now he was feeling mushy and gross. As if things weren’t bad enough already. “Sorry. I’m just a little worried what he’ll think.”

Bethany clicked off the television and faced him fully. She frowned a little. “Why? We’re not doing anything wrong.”

He put his hands up. “I know that. You know that. Will he know that?”

“Who cares? You’re talking about a man who has slept with literally all of my friends. And all of your friends. Just desserts, if you ask me.”

Varric snorted. “Going through your rebellious stage, Sunshine?”

She tossed the remote off the couch and climbed into his lap. “Shall we find out?”

Oh, he was in.

---

Three shots of whiskey and Varric was ready.

He was a grown ass dwarf and he was going to bite the bullet and face judgment.

… okay, maybe after one more shot of liquid courage.

“I’m going to just say it,” Varric gasped at the after burn, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m dating your sister. I care about her. She puts up with me, weirdly enough. And she deserves better than us sneaking around. So… there it is.”

Varric steeled himself for the outcome. He didn’t want to lose Hawke -- either Hawke -- but he wasn’t going to damn this relationship to failure without a fight. He just hoped his best friend didn’t deck him too hard.

Hawke put his beer down. “I know.”

“You-- what?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot? Don’t answer that,” Hawke amended quickly. “But come on, I’m not blind.”

Varric’s shoulder sagged in relief. And then, he was annoyed.

What the fuck? He had been stressed for weeks for nothing?

Maker, he hated this man.

“So you knew the entire time,” Varric said flatly.

“Duh,” said Hawke. “You’re my best mate. She’s my sister. It was so obvious. I think it’s great. I’m happy for you.”

Maker, he loved this man.

Hawke jabbed his beer bottle in Varric’s direction threateningly. “But I better not hear one word about a certain married ex coming into the picture if you’re seriously with my sister. If you hurt her, I hurt you. Clear?”

“Crystal. I know my word doesn’t mean much, but I’ll do this right, Hawke.”

“Great,” Hawke said cheerfully. “Now that that’s all resolved, let’s talk about me and Cassandra --”

“You’re on a first name basis?!”

“ -- picture this. I’m thinking.. Flowers. A shit ton of them. Maybe confetti. Women like confetti, right?”

Varric took another shot with a smirk, feeling better than he had in weeks.

“Sure, Hawke. She’ll like confetti. And extremely loud and ostentatious confessions of love, maybe with doves...”

#dragon age #varric tethras #bethany hawke #varric/bethany #hawke/cassandra #just a tiny bit #k writes trash #fluff

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dead-thorin · 4 years

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some nice things happened this week. Wednesday was the department’s finals and i was rushing around and at one point i got to my desk and there was a gift. My friend got me smth for christmas and in the card she wrote consider this a birthday, christmas, thanks for everything u do for me gift and it was a chicken ornament :’)

On thursday one of the TAs brought his 7 month old daughter in and i got to hold her and she was literally so adorable. At one point, after she stopped being fascinated by the tree, she started getting upset bc she couldnt see her dad so my boss, who was holding her, walked to the copy room to show her where he was and she immediately stopped crying. Also, he’s a really funny and chill parent like idk how to describe it. She was wearing a jacket with the hood having like dinosaur scales on it and he and my boss took it off her so she wouldnt overheat. I helped him put it back on her and he, very calmly, was like and she doesnt like putting on clothes so shes going to go into a rampage. And as he strapped her to his chest and put on his own jacket he once again very calmly was like and shes gonna get overheated and go into a rampage again. he also joked about how toned and fit he was getting bc she likes it when he holds her in his hands and does squats bc of the movement

Three faculty members are expecting kids soon, with one of them being actually pregnant. I made them baby blankets and last week I started giving them to them. The one who is pregnant was like omg thats ridiculously sweet jordan im gonna cry and gave me a hug 😭Another one whos wife is expecting in early january thanked me and was a little awkward bc hes the type who doesnt know how to receive gifts, which like same. Today I ran into them as my friend and i walked into the supermarket and they were leaving. My friend saw them first and said hi and i noticed afterwards and was like hey! And his wife was like Oh! he made the blanket right? And when he confirmed she was like omg thank you so much that was so nice!!! I havent had the chance to make you a thank you card yet!! Also on Thursday i gave the last blanket and i didnt know how this guy was going to react bc hes very... stereotypically math. He hardcore cant make eye contact, he doesnt make conversation unless strictly necessary, and hes very awkward, nervous, and anxious. Over the semester I noticed that hes gotten better and like he still is nervous when talking but he talks a bit more and he makes way more eye contact. So I gave him the blanket and he was like ??? and i was like oh its a baby blanket! And he was like whos giving it??? and I was like Me? I made it for you since youre expecting a kid and he was like omg??? and he was super happy omg and we talked a little bit about it bc this is his first kid and he said he and his wife were a little bit nervous bc they didnt have family around since shes from china and hes from switzerland and i was like yeah but most of the people here have had kids so i think theyll help and he was like yeah but its still a little bit nerve wracking and i was like true true. He also was liek volunteering information instead of just strictly answering the question and idk this was the most hes spoken with me and it was super nice and pleasant. im really hoping i can see baby pics next semester

Yesterday there was an end of semester party and i was hoping to spend at the most like an hour there since there were apparently gonna be a TA or 2 who didnt like me there and i just wanted to chat with a friend who graduated and one who was leaving next week. So I stayed there until 2am about and then we moved to the guy whos leaving’s house and stayed there until 4am and it was super chill. Most of the TAs were drunk too which was funny. But the highlight for me was that I got to chat with one of them who I only had a little bit of conversation with from time to time at the office and we talked for most of the party and it was super nice. He’s trying to find a job in the southeast bc his family lives there and we were talking with a TA and she mentioned like the perfect job position for him because its a good location and what he wants to do. It opened like 2-3 days ago? SO i took out my phone and started writing an email to him and asked her to repeat the job title and he was like what are you going to send this information to everyone? and i was like no? Im emailing it to you because youre at least a little drunk right now and might forget so this will be a reminder so u have this info later and can apply and he was like omg ur so nice and gave me like a bear hug. Also the guy who is leaving gave me a hug when i left his house and during the night he mentioned that i was invited to his wedding next year so thats cool.

TAs have gotten exam results and one of them called me upset about it and we talked about it and she feels better about it now. At one point she was like Jordan youre so nice omg and i was like thanks i try and we talked for over an hour and it was nice.

Yesterday i decided to take out my helix piercings because its been over 6 months (closer to 7 or 8 I think?) and they have had a bump on them since Ive gotten them. The hole is already closed and the bump is going down so thats good! It wasnt a lot of money and I might get it repierced but idk bc that was one of the more painful piercings and its annoying to soak. The rest of them are doing p well except my nostril has a little bump/scar? on it but hopefully thatll go away and it doesnt look bad.

I got to pet 3 cats and 2 dogs this week and my friend gave me a jumpsuit that doesnt fit him! Hopefully next semester we can go to a club or smth and I can wear that.

#post from the blogger

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bohemianrhapsody86 · 5 years

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200 Things About Me (originally 200 Things You Can Put In My Ask)

I got this off of @rami-malek-trash - don’t know who the original poster was, sorry if it’s you. I’m bored and cramping and no one usually sends me asks anyway, so I’m just going to answer all of these myself

200: My crush’s name is: Drew (Now boyfriend, but he was my middle school crush) 199: I was born in: 1986 198: I am really: cool 197: My cellphone company is: T-Mobile 196: My eye color is: green 195: My shoe size is: 9.5/10 194: My ring size is: 9/10 193: My height is: 5′6″ 192: I am allergic to: Nothing 191: My 1st car was: 2001 PT Cruiser 190: My 1st job was: Server at a local pizzeria 189: Last book you read: Startalk: Everything You Ever Need to Know About Space Travel, Sci-Fi, the Human Race, the Universe, and Beyond by Neil DeGrasse Tyson 188: My bed is: Not very comfortable. I need a new mattress, but I need a job first. 187: My pet: A siamese cat named Chico. 186: My best friend: Amanda 185: My favorite shampoo is: I like using Aussie 2-in-1, I also like using Shimmer Lights occasionally so I can keep my gray hairs nice and shiny. 184: Xbox or ps3: PS3 183: Piggy banks are: Cool. I have one that counts my change lol 182: In my pockets: Nothing because they hate putting usable pockets in women’s pants. 181: On my calendar: I marked where I started my period yesterday, and my boyfriends 32nd birthday is next Tuesday. 180: Marriage is: Something I want everyone to have the option for if they want it. 179: Spongebob can: use his imagination 178: My mom: is amazing! 177: The last three songs I bought were? Cool and Sucker by The Jonas Brothers, Don’t really buy many singles, just albums if I’m interested and their cheap. 176: Last YouTube video watched: Brooke Candy - Paper or Plastic 175: How many cousins do you have? Too many to remember 174: Do you have any siblings? Yes, an older brother and older half-sister. 173: Are your parents divorced? Yes, they divorced back in 1999 172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes. We used to be the same height, but gravity has taken a hold of her and squashed her down. 171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play the trombone in middle school, but that was 20 years ago. I’m sure if I ever got my hands on one again, I might remember a scale or two. 170: What did you do yesterday? Went around town job hunting and then bought a maxi dress at a local craft store. [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight:Yes 168: Luck: Yes 167: Fate: Yes 166: Yourself: Sometimes 165: Aliens: Yes 164: Heaven: Yes and No 163: Hell: We live there now. 162: God: No 161: Horoscopes: Yes 160: Soul mates: Yes 159: Ghosts: Yes 158: Gay Marriage: Yes 157: War: No 156: Orbs: Yes/No 155: Magic: Yes [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: Kisses 153: Drunk or High: High 152: Phone or Online: Online 151: Red heads or Black haired: Black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunette 149: Hot or cold: Cold 148: Summer or winter: Winter 147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla:Chocolate 145: Night or Day: Night 144: Oranges or Apples: Apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 140: Mac or PC: PC 139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip Flops 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor 137: Coke or Pepsi: Always been a Pepsi girl 136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 135: Burried or cremated: Cremated and turned into a tree or my ashes made into a vinyl 134: Singing or Dancing: Singing 133: Coach or Chanel: Neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Katherine McPhee 131: Small town or Big city: Small Town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller 128: Manicure or Pedicure: Mani 127: East Coast or West Coast: East Coast - never been to the West Coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday because it sometimes falls on Thanksgiving. 125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither, Cubbies til the day I die. [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: Pointless 121: George Bush: Better than the asshat in office now. 120: Gay Marriage: If I can get married to my boyfriend, the my friend Jerry should be able to get married to his boyfriend, Josh. 119: The presidential election: I hate that orange buffoon. 118: Abortion: I’m pro-choice. 117: MySpace: Always had trouble figuring out my Top 8 and what background I wanted to use. 116: Reality TV: Only thing I really watch are cooking competitions. Those are the only ones that matter. Not a fan of the Kardashians or the Bachelor/ette bullcrap. 115: Parents: My mom is amazing, my ‘dad’ was never really there. 114: Back stabbers: Asshats 113: Ebay: Hardly use it. 112: Facebook: Good to stay in touch with people you want to/some of the groups on there are awesome. 111: Work: Don’t have a job as of yet. *keeps fingers crossed I hear back from someone soon* 110: My Neighbors: Loud AF and nasty. I live in an apartment and the neighbors upstairs have so many kids and animals up there it’s ridiculous. I wish they’d leave. 109: Gas Prices: Ridiculous, but not as bad as I’ve seen it before. 108: Designer Clothes: Meh, not my style unless I find something in my size at Goodwill. 107: College: Been there, done that. Not really for me. Never graduated. 106: Sports: I like watching them, mainly baseball and basketball. The NFL can go fuck themselves. 105: My family: Love my blood relatives and my chosen family. 104: The future: It’s so bright, I gotta wear shades. [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: last night when my boyfriend came over and brought me my phone charger. 102: Last time you ate: An hour ago. 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: At my bestie’s baby shower. 100: Cried in front of someone: Sometime last week 99: Went to a movie theater: When Endgame came out 98: Took a vacation: 2010 97: Swam in a pool: A few summers ago 96: Changed a diaper: 2007? 95: Got my nails done: 2007? 94: Went to a wedding: 1999 93: Broke a bone: Never *keeps fingers crossed* 92: Got a peircing: 2012? 91: Broke the law: I probably broke the speed limit yesterday at some point. 90: Texted: about 2am this morning. [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: My bestie Amanda and boyfriend Drew 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat. 87: The last movie I saw: Ant-Man 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: getting a job 85: The thing im not looking forward to: Interviewing for a job 84: People call me: loyal 83: The most difficult thing to do is: finding a job 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Yep, 77 in a 55. 81: My zodiac sign is: Sun - Sagittarius, Moon - Leo

80: The first person i talked to today was: If you count texting my boyfriend at 2am, then him. 79: First time you had a crush: Sometime in Elemetary School. 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my mom 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday 76: Right now I am talking to: myself 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I have no clue 74: I have/will get a job: soon 73: Tomorrow: Never Comes 72: Today: Is the day 71: Next Summer: Not here 70: Next Weekend: I have no clue 69: I have these pets: 12 year old 17 lb cat named Striper. 68: The worst sound in the world: My cat hacking up a hairball. 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself 66: People that make you happy: my mom, brother, sister-in-law, boyfriend, best friend. 65: Last time I cried: sometime last week 64: My friends are: amazing 63: My computer is: pretty cool and loaded up with Sims stuff. 62: My School: I don’t go to school anymore. 61: My Car: gets me there. 60: I lose all respect for people who: disrespect me or my loved one. 59: The movie I cried at was: Endgame 58: Your hair color is: salt & pepper 57: TV shows you watch: Legends of Tomorrow, Worst Cooks in America, Any cooking show really. 56: Favorite web site: Tumblr 55: Your dream vacation: Somewhere away from my town 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I had that ovarian cyst. 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium 52: My room is: messy 51: My favorite celebrity is: too many to list 50: Where would you like to be: in bed 49: Do you want children: nope 48: Ever been in love: yes 47: Who’s your best friend: Amanda 46: More guy friends or girl friends: About the same. 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my grandma 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I don’t even have a 5 minute plan 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Kinda, not really 41: Have you pre-named your children: Nope 40: Last person I got mad at: The Dump, but that’s a daily thing. 39: I would like to move to: out of the US 38: I wish I was a professional: crocheter/crafter [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Butterfinger Cups 36: Vehicle: Don’t really have one 35: President: Barack Obama 34: State visited: Pennsylvania 33: Cellphone provider: Always been with T-Mobile 32: Athlete: Anthony Rizzo 31: Actor: Tom Hanks 30: Actress: Sandra Bullock 29: Singer: Freddie Mercury 28: Band: Queen 27: Clothing store: Lane Bryant 26: Grocery store: Aldi 25: TV show: Don’t really have one 24: Movie: Too many to count 23: Website: This black hole of a site 22: Animal: Cat 21: Theme park: Don’t really have one. I did enjoy Six Flags over Georgia when I went back in 2002. Dollywood is always fun but it’s been even longer than that since I’ve been there. 20: Holiday: Halloween 19: Sport to watch: Baseball 18: Sport to play: Nothing. 17: Magazine: Entertainment Weekly 16: Book: Harry Potter 15: Day of the week: Thursday 14: Beach: Virginia Beach 13: Concert attended: Jonas Brothers in VA Beach 12: Thing to cook: bacon 11: Food: bacon 10: Restaurant: Hmmm....don’t know that one. 9: Radio station: Classic Hits 102.7...hardly any commercials and they tell you the artist and song title after every song. 70s, 80s, and 90s songs. 8: Yankee candle scent: Don’t have one 7: Perfume: The scented oils from a local curiosity shop have some of my fave scents. 6: Flower: Iris 5: Color: Blue 4: Talk show host: Jimmy Fallon 3: Comedian: I’ve got several 2: Dog breed: Corgi 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes.

#personal #200 things about me #bored #cramping #I need some sleep but can't sleep #period brain

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chokememrstark · 6 years

Text

The Soulmate Sam Never Asked For // Part 6

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2515 (Chapter 6 / 12)

Fic Summary: After offering Lucifer his help, Sam is determined to stick to it, even though he feels nervous. Seeing the hope in Lucifer, no matter how small, encourages him to go through with it and he tries his best to make sure everything will be taken care of.

college!AU, human!AU, soulmates!AU, dysfunctional families, abusive parents, dramatic romance, or romantic drama, your choice, big brother!Lucifer, soulmates hating each other, referenced alcoholism, death and abuse, some violence, and lots of feels, fluff and cuteness, some drama but not too much, lots of bickering, and two damn stubborn soulmates (!!)

Note: My lovely beta reader @brieflymaximumprincess called this a rom-com and even though I don’t believe it is, in my eyes, it does have certain elements of it. This is not the angst you know from me, not at all.

Yes, there is some drama, but there is also a lot of sweet and cute moments, much more than the dramatic ones. I guess you could say I accidentally wrote cute fluff? Because it was not intended, but here we are.

This fic is already completed and will be posted by the regular schedule from now on: Thuesday, Thursday and Saturday! So, enjoy ♥

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @spnyoucantkeepmedown @brieflymaximumprincess @multifandomhcsforinsanity @etysky @justasmalltownsuperwholock @humongouscandycoffee @daddycasstiel @nnegann @blakechaos08

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

Sam quickly realized that donating one of his kidneys would be a bigger deal than he had expected, but the doctor assured him that once it would actually happen - if he was a match of course - the worst would already be over. They took his blood and urine for tests and since they had enough time, doctor Francis decided to run the other tests right away, so in case a donation was possible things would go faster. Sam didn't mind, an EKG and some x-rays weren't anything he was concerned about and as he knew already, his health was perfectly fine, just like his kidneys.

“We will test your blood today, so we might know if you can donate tomorrow already,” the doctor informed Sam after the last examination and the student nodded in return. “What you are willing to do is a very honorable thing, are you sure you thought this enough?”

“I know there are risks, but I'm sure about it, yes,” Sam replied without hesitating.

“You're a special young man, Sam. Let's hope we have good news for you soon.”

Sam thanked the doctor and shook his hand one last time before finally leaving the lab to head home. This day had taken a very unexpected turn, but the way things were now didn't bother him somehow. To Sam's surprise, someone was already waiting for him near the information: Lucifer. Given that it was already very late, Sam was worried he might have bad news, but when he came closer he realized that the blond simply looked tired.

“Hey there,” Sam said with a smirk and waved his hand. “What are you still doing here?”

“Waiting,” Lucifer simply shrugged. “Thought you might wanna take a quick walk.

“Sure, why not.” Sam didn’t know what to think of this, but he needed to head back to the dorm anyways, so he didn’t mind. “Are you going home?”

Lucifer walked over to the brunet and joined him on the way out, hands buried in his pockets.

“It’s time,” he sighed, obviously not wanting to leave. “Gabe is already in his bed and asleep, but I came back to check on Raphael again and see if you’d still be here.”

“I’m surprised you actually have a nice side,” Sam smiled as they made their way down the front stairs. “I thought you didn’t even know how to write the word ‘nice’.”

“They’re my brothers, of course I care!” Lucifer huffed offended. “And besides, I wanted to thank you, too. You know, for what you wanna do.”

“Thank me when it’s over and Raphael is fine again,” Sam said with a sigh. “If we’re even a match. They don’t know yet.”

“The fact that you even want to do this is worth a thanks already, you know.”

The two walked through the dim light of the evening in silence for a while, both in their own thoughts. Sam knew he didn’t have to do this of course, no one forced him to or even asked him to, but he would have felt wrong for not trying at least. He didn’t know Lucifer very well, that was right, and they didn’t really get along much until now either, but still. Seeing this new side of his classmate made Sam realize that his usual behavior wasn’t the real Lucifer, or at least not completely. Even now he was much less cold or rude. He was obviously nervous and Sam fully understood why, but the behavior he knew from school wasn’t there at the moment. Sam thought he might be able to get used to this Lucifer.

“Raphael asked if you’d come back tomorrow,” Lucifer said after a while and Sam could hear that he wasn’t comfortable with this topic. He sounded almost embarrassed to even bring it up. “He told Gabe about you after he woke up and the little one wants to meet you too. You probably don’t have time, that’s okay, I just promised to ask.”

“You keep your promises, I know,” Sam answered with a smile. “I’ll gladly come, sure. The doctor said they might know more tomorrow already, so I’ll be here anyways. Doesn’t hurt to pay your brothers a visit.”

“Gabe is really annoying sometimes though, just so you know,” Lucifer laughed quietly. “He probably won’t shut up for hours.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind that at all,” Sam chuckled. “I have to go back to the counselor to tell her I might drop out for a week or two tomorrow, but then I’ll come over, promised.”

“Wait… drop out?” Lucifer asked confused and stopped dead in his tracks. “What do you mean you have to drop out?”

“Well, if it turns out we’re a match I’ll have to stay in the hospital for a while,” Sam shrugged and turned around. “Doctor Francis explained everything, usually it’s just a week or two to make sure everything went well.”

“So, you’ll miss classes and fall behind,” Lucifer mumbled.

“I think I can manage missing a few classes, it’s fine,” Sam assured the blond with a smile. His sudden concern was something he didn’t expect to be honest. “I’ll just do what I can on my laptop, it’s no big deal.”

Lucifer didn’t answer, but he looked awfully ashamed, even in the upcoming darkness.

“It’s okay, really,” Sam said again, more persistent this time. “So what if I really fall behind? There are more important things, really.”

“You shouldn’t even have to say this,” Lucifer sighed and shook his head. “I didn’t mean to get you into this kind of trouble, I'm sorry.”

“Hey, who stalked you and suggested this in the first place?” Sam asked, raising a brow. “If I do fall behind it’s my fault and I’ll catch up again, no problem. Let’s focus on your brother, alright? We can worry about other things later.”

Lucifer finally looked back up, a relieved expression on his face as he nodded and started walking again. It didn’t take long before Lucifer had to make a turn and part with Sam, but the brunet assured him again that he’d come over the next day before continuing his way back to campus by calling a taxil. Back in his room, he packed a few things just in case he had to stay away for a while and then headed to bed.

Sam was nervous as hell when he went to the counselor the next day, not quite sure how he was going to tell her without giving away the actual reason why he’d be gone, but he knew he couldn’t just leave without a word. Ellen was shoving things around on her desk when he walked in, but he didn’t mind because it was still early after all.

“Good morning, Sam!” she said quite happy. “You look better than yesterday already, is everything okay?”

“Yes, but I need to talk to you for a moment,” Sam answered and sat down. “I might have to take a break for a few weeks, do you think that’s possible?”

“Oh no, did something happen?” Ellen asked, worried right away.

“Well, kinda,” Sam sighed. “I don’t know for sure yet, but I want to make sure it’s okay before I do. I might have to stay at the hospital for one or two weeks soon and don’t just want to vanish.”

“You can take a break of course, but I hope it’s not something serious.”

“Just a small procedure, nothing bad, really,” Sam smiled. “Is there anything I can do to not fall behind too much while I’m gone? Assignments, notes, things like that?”

“Let me take a look...” Ellen typed something into her computer, clicked around for a while and eventually nodded. “I see you’re in most classes with one of my IT girls, Charlie. She usually keeps all her notes online, I’ll ask her if you can use them.”

“Really?” Sam didn’t expect that. “That would be so helpful!”

“She’s very precise with her notes, so I’m sure they will be a big help. And I see you have an exam next week too, I’ll ask your professor to let you take it when you come back instead.”

“That’s awesome!” Sam was relieved. “I’ll make sure to not fall back too much.”

“You do what you gotta do,” Ellen smiled at him warmly. “Don’t put your grades over your health, that’s never a good thing. I hope everything will go well and I’ll see you come back soon.”

“Thank you, also for your help.” Sam stood up and couldn’t help but shake the counselor’s hand. “I’ll call you when I know if I have to stay at the hospital or not, is that okay?”

“Of course, good luck, Sam!”

Hoping that one of his worries was taken care of for now, Sam left the counselor’s office. Since the day had just begun and the first classes were about to start, he had to evade a lot of students on his way back to his room. When he was finally there he had enough of human interaction for the day already and let out a weak laugh at how much he still hated large crowds of people. With a sigh he pulled his phone out of his pocket to take care of the next thing on his list: call Dean. As he expected, his brother was not happy to be forced to talk so early.

“Dude, it’s… it’s not even seven! It’s basically still night, you know that?”

“Sorry man,” Sam laughed, still surprised that he kept forgetting Dean was an hour behind. “I gotta talk to you quickly, do you have a moment?”

“This better be important,” Dean growled and Sam heard a suppressed yawn. “What’s up?”

“I might be gone for a week or two, so if you wanna call me you need to wait.”

“Where are you going? Australia?” Dean laughed. “Why can’t I call you?”

“I’ll be at the hospital, they don’t allow phones, silly.”

“Wait… hospital?” That apparently woke Dean up finally. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, no need to freak out,” Sam quickly assured his brother, amused by how quick he could change from annoyance to worry. “A friend might need my help and I need to stay there for a bit.”

“Friend? What friend?” Sam could practically hear Dean raising his eyebrows at him. “What friend asks you to stay at the hospital?”

“It was my idea, relax,” Sam sighed and sat down on his bed. “Look, you remember I told you about that guy, Lucifer?”

“Oh, your other half?” Dean asked amused.

“Don’t call him that,” Sam rolled his eyes. “But yes, that one. Well, he has a brother who’s really sick and needs help. I’ll find out if I can help him today and if I can I’ll have to stay at the hospital too for a while.”

“Dude, what are you doing over there?”

“He’s gonna die, Dean,” Sam said seriously. “He needs help and if he doesn’t get it he won’t make it much longer. I can’t just let that happen if I’m able to help him, you know?”

“Yeah, sure, but…” Dean was obviously uncomfortable and Sam couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t the type for such things, really. “You don’t know that kid, not even this Lucifer guy. It’s about that soulmate thing, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not that,” Sam shook his head slowly. “I can’t explain it, but Lucifer isn’t as much of an asshole as I thought. He’s going through a lot, takes care of his two little brothers alone because his dad prefers to beat the shit out of him and he’s at his wit’s end. He’d die for them, Dean. Do you know anyone else who’d do that for their little brother?”

There was no answer coming from Dean, just some inaudible mumbling that made Sam chuckle.

“I thought so. Look, I know it sounds weird, but his brother is really sweet and nice, I'm sure even you would like him, and he doesn’t deserve this, you know? Maybe I can help him, maybe not, but I wanna try at least.”

“That’s so you, really,” Dean huffed. “Always the good samaritan.”

“I know you think this is about me giving into this dumb soulmate thing and doing something stupid because of it, but it’s not.” Sam always knew how Dean ticked, it was clear this was his assumption. “I just wanna give this kid a chance, that’s all. I’d do the same if this whole thing didn’t exist.”

“I know you would,” Dean sighed after a moment. “Just do what your stubborn ass wants to do, but watch out for yourself, will ya? As much as you annoy me, I’d hate to be a brother short.”

“You already are the short brother, dude,” Sam laughed.

“You wanna fight me, bitch?”

“Sure, come over, jerk. But bring chocolate and flowers, I might not fight back much for a while.”

“Eww, what am I? Your lover from hell?” Dean shuddered overdramatically. “Just stay alive, alright? I’m not gonna explain to dad what happened if you die, I promise you that!”

“As if he’d care,” Sam scoffed. “But I’m not gonna die, no way. I’ll call you when I'm our again, alright?”

“You better.”

When Sam hung up he felt slightly better. He didn’t expect Dean to be cheering, he knew him better than that, but his brother was much more accepting than he thought he’d be and it was kind of relieving. Of course he didn’t understand Sam’s reasons, Sam didn’t fully understood them himself, but he didn’t tell him he was crazy at least, that was something.

Sam layed down for a moment, trying not to think about anything and just relax a little. Some things Dean had said made him wonder if he was really doing this just for Raphael, but he was, or not? He wanted to believe that, but he honestly couldn’t tell. Of course he wanted to help the kid, it was true that he didn’t deserve this and Sam wanted to give him a chance, but that wasn’t the only reason. Something in Sam had reacted when he saw Lucifer break down in front of him and when he saw him upset or scared. Even though he was able to control himself most of the time, he had had no influence on this reaction. He had felt actual sympathy for Lucifer, as much as he tried to ignore this fact.

Was this what soulmates did to each other? Make them be vulnerable when they tried to be strong and break their hearts when they saw the other suffer? Was this why his dad was so crushed after his wife’s death that he stopped caring and sought comfort in alcohol the way he did? And what would happen to Sam if he wasn't able to stay in control anymore? Would he become just as dependent on someone else like his dad or would things get even worse? He already cared for Lucifer without wanting to, there was no denying that. Imagining that this continued sparked more than just concern; it created actual fear in him.

#samifer #sam x lucifer #sam winchester #spn lucifer #soulmate!au #college!au #human!au #myfics #multi chapter fic

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barelynakedthoughts · 3 years

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Wow, the past few days have been unreal. I last updated on Thursday in the morning soon after they had started pumping in pitocin. From 12pm, May 12th, until 5 am, May 14th, I was dealing with contractions. 41 hours of early labor and it only led to being dilated by 4cm.

I used a fitness orb, a fitness peanut, slow dancing, varying leg positions. Nothing pushed me into active labor. They kept saying to make it to 6cm and we'll be in the home stretch. The contractions got so strong throughout the day, too. I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to do it so early. If the beginning took this long, can the ending really be that short? I wanted the baby in my arms but I knew he wasn't ready so I waited for him to give me a sign. (Note we can freely say pronouns now)

I believe at 10am on May 13th, they broke my water because I had made it to 4cm. It felt like things were moving so nicely! The doctor who came in at 6 am wa snot very comforting -made me cry. She gave me minimal answers and her visit was brief. Had I obtained the knowledge of inductions and labor that I have now, I would have been okay, but it was all so new to me and she was very curt after working her 24 hour shift. I wish she would do people favors and just not do those shifts. It would give her a better bedside manner. She basically gave me my first crying spell and I felt so desperate for four hours.

A new doctor came in soon after that. She reminded me of General Holdo from Star Wars, except I have no clue if she had purple-ish hair. Though Jackie, the nurse who talked a lot, had purple-ish hair. I could see it sticking out through her hair cap thing. Our room was always dark so I didn't really see much going on. Anyways, they broke my water and the contractions quickly turned into pain, pain and more pain. Not cramping pain, but pain nonetheless. I was on 2-30 levels of pitocin (whatever that means), and when the water broke, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes for hours on end. I breathed through all of them, dealt with the pain and kept my mind on the goal.

-----

I was thankful for the nurse we had the night before they broke my water, Shawna, because she knew how to just be there for me. When the new nurse came in after that terrible doctor visit, I wasn't all too thrilled cuz she talked a lot and overexplained things, but she at least made it very apparent that she cared. Shawna came back later in the evening, but she wasn't my nurse. She just knew that I liked her and she just wanted to help. It was a relief to have her there for a little bits she came in on.

-----

May 13th was like one last date day between Ryan and I. Besides the constant pain and regular contraction pauses, he and I just talked, hugged, watched Falcon and Winter Soldier, cried, laughed, and appreciated the other one being there. We barely got any rest. Though Ry was able to get a bit more than me, but not much. It was honestly a blurry of a day for me since I spent most of staring at focal points (the red light from the TV being turned off or Ryan's eyes or the up button for the bed or even this white piece on a red container on the baby's soon-to-be panda warmer). Im trying to write as much down as possible, but I know I'll miss a few things.

-----

As the day progressed, my energy level dropped substantially. I gave up my fitness orb life and I embraced bedrest for the first time in the pregnancy. Going to the bathroom was difficult and I was constipated. Stupid magical hemorrhoids that appeared two days before going in the hospital.

Those pesky IV issues got worse. As my pain increased, I had to deal with a 5 IVs. After the one in my elbow went off sixty thousand times, the nurse finally called the anesthesiology team to try another spot but with a deeper vein. She found it with an ultrasound, which was neat, and she had to really numb my arm to get it in there. It was the best IV, though. It really stuck in there and I only had minimal issues with the IV tower. Thank goodness because I was at my wits end at that point. Though Jackie ended up finish the IV and reconnecting my pitocin and fluid drips...she taped the IV to my hospital bracelet. So when anyone tried to scan it, I had to twist my arm painfully.

The one time, the food people came. I twisted my arm to have them read it, and they didn't even scan it....but we'll the damage was done. I had accidentally disconnected everything. The IV started gushing blood like a fountain and I just sat on my fitness orb with nothing much to do but hope it stopped soon...or that someone would come in. My husband actually had to go get someone because there was blood everywhere. All the while, I was contracting every 3 minutes at that point. So a fountain of blood just pushing out while squeezed my own legs. What a trip! The final IV sat in my arm up until May 15th...it was annoying to breastfeed with it in. I had to finish my toradol pain meds before it could come out.

-----

As the day went on, I kept contracting but nothing changed...at 10pm, they finally told us our options: more of the same or having a c-section. We were looking at a failed induction if we didn't progress to 6 cm by 5am, May 14th. At the point, it would have been 18 hours post my water being broke and the chance of infection would then steadily increase. I didn't take the news well and I cried. My night time doctor, who I had seen in the office and who is actually a midwife, was the one who broke the news. She tried to say it was natural to feel sad about this, but honestly...nothing was going to console me after here the word "failure".

Just like my sister, the pitocin failed. Before they officially said it failed, they did a pit rest (a 1-2 hour pitocin break) and then started the process at 2 levels again. We made it up to 10 levels before they called it at 430am. My cervix stopped at 4cm and there was no changing it. Though at that time, I had finally accepted the c-section. It was the right choice and it meant getting to see our baby sooner. We just needed to pray again for safety, healing and life...plus tell our families that I was having a c-section. They were wondering where we went for so long because I just cried for a while and asked that my husband not share anything until we were ready.

-----

The surgery was interesting. I wasn't really contracting anymore but I was exhausted, starving, shaking, and ready to be done. They wheeled me over without my husband so they could give me a spinal anesthetic, still no epidural. I sat there breathing in and out. Using yoga techniques to keep myself present and prepared for a flexible response. I hate the idea of needles going into my spine. I don't care about needles...it's the whole losing movement permanently issue. I need to be able to move and fidget to breathe calmly and react appropriately.

After they were finished, they slowly lowered me back. My legs went numbs and I started to shake uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering. It was if I was extremely cold so they put 3-4 warm blankets on me. I can't remember how many but I do know there were 5 total on me when all was said and done. They splayed my arms out like I was being crucified and I made sure not to move them beyond the shaking. I have no clue how long the procedure lasted but it was light outside when they were done. I believe it was less than an hour, but I honestly don't know. Time had become irrelevant yet so necessary by then. Time still hasn't recovered and it's been almost 3 weeks. (Note: I've been writing this on and off since the hospital stay.)

C-sections are weird. You're awake for the whole procedure and you can feel everything happening to you - the incision, the hands rooting around your insides for the baby, the baby coming out with their arms and legs hitting the sides of your open stomach as they leave, the uterus flopping around. There's just no pain involved.

When my baby came out, he didn't cry much, but when I heard his first squeal, my husband and I cried, too. He was finally here. Our baby boy was alive and well. A 7lb 5oz baby measuring at 20 inches even though he was a few weeks early. He was fully grown and ready to be with us. They measured him, cleaned him a little and got all his vitals while the doctors finished up with my stomach. They gave him to my husband to hold and I got to slightly touch the baby. I cried the whole time because of how happy I was. It was the most fulfilling moment and it was just the beginning of my son's life.

The surgeon was the OBGYN who recommended us to the fertility clinic three years prior, almost to the date. We had come full circle. She still has a weird bedside manner, but the whole thing was surreal. She did a good job and we all made it out safely. My husband was so nervous holding our baby. It was his first time ever holding a baby. I didn't want a c-section, but I was glad when everything was over. My legs remained numb for a while - a few hours I think? In order to graduate to the mother/baby unit and to eat, I had to be able to move my toes. It was a weird feeling to be able to move my arms and not my lower body. Around my incision, I'm still a bit numb there and apparently, I could be for a long time.

We took our first picture together and I look terrible, as if I had gone through pain for 3 days straight. My husband, the always photogenic one, looked great and our son could barely be seen. At least we have this family photo - even if no one else is allowed to see it. My body was still shaking. My shoulders were starting to hurt and feeling was coming back to my lower extremities slowly. They were prescribing me motrin, tylenol and oxy. I only took tylenol because the rest seemed frivolous. Sure, I was in pain, but nothing compared to the contractions and well, I survived all of that with just a tylenol here and there for headaches.

By about noon, I was starving by this point. It had been 30ish+ hours of early labor since I had last eaten. We ordered food (with some hiccups along the way) and finally got to eat when we arrived the mother/baby unit. It was then we started our four day stay of recovering, figuring out parenting, breastfeeding, and personal survival, and being interrupted every hour by nurses, doctors, consultants, social workers and who knows who else. I had only gotten about 2-3 hours of sleep in total during the 3 days of delivery. I matched this during the first few days of parenting, too. Even when I got home, I lived on 2 hours max for about three days straight. A week+ of no sleep really did me in. I was exhausted and finally got rest when I slept through a few alarms. Thankfully my husband took over that night because I needed it.

While in the mother/baby unit, our son had dropped about 10% of his birthweight. He was dehydrated and having a tough time pooping because of the weight loss. It was getting much milk because my nipples wouldn't stay erect while he was eating. Plus he kept falling asleep and it was hard to keep him demeanor.

A lactation consultant visited 6 times. I didn't like the first one, but then we lucked out with Renee for the rest of the visits. She was understanding and she didn't pressure us to breastfeed her way. She thought of different ways to encourage us and give solutions, such as a nipple shield or supplementing formula. Renee revealed that her oldest went through this as well and that it doesn't help when the hospital staff tells you how to do everything their way without listening to your needs. I commend her for her absolutely genuine care and reassuring assistance.

A few nurses were stellar (not Shawna awesome, but still great to have). Katie gave us our first few hours of rest. It also hurt his weight cuz I was delayed on the feedings, but she gave us swaddlers, extra blankets, shirts, etc. She also made sure to talk to us like we were humans and not patients who were leaving in a few days. Kristie was the first one to see me cry and she knew exactly what to do. She brought us the right sized nipple shield and flanges. She brought us a ton of formula. She helped ease my feelings of hopelessness transition into a sense of pointed purpose. The other nurses - Salimah, Anna, Natalie and a few others in the mother/baby unit were the best parts of the stay. Even if they all provided varying levels of care.

The doctors were too quick with their check-ins and I didn't really enjoy their presence. They had the best intentions but we felt like a mark on their checklist. I assume they have too much to do in one day.

The room was small for a three person family but large enough for everything we needed to do while there. Our baby had a little plastic tube of a bassinet with two drawers of storage. My husband had to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch out of the three he ventured on. I believe it was this one that he caught an ear infection from because he didn't use the bed setting. He used the regular couch setup because the bedding was slanting.

The bathroom was pretty big, though. I put many mesh underwear and large pads on in there. It's where a nurses used a perineal bottle on me and showed me how to use it. It's where I took my first post-surgery shower and found out my stomach was numb still. I liked our original room with the induction unit best because of the couch for my husband, and I loved the huge size of the labor/delivery room. The bathroom for the mother/baby unit was best. It was right next to my bed during a time when it was hard to walk. Plus it served as a dish washing site and a great place to rest from all the noises in a hospital.

I had a catheter in from the c-section and by the time they took it out, I was very hydrated. Peeing clear impressed the nurses who took it out - I guess it's the little odd things that make the day better.

My husband and I fought multiple times in the hospital and since coming home. We're exhausted. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is normally because one of us is tired...and well, we're always tired right now.

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It's now 6 weeks post delivery and our little guy is doing well. He's a tad under the weather (doctors says a cold), but otherwise he is 11 pounds and 22 inches long. He grows pretty fast so he may be heavier by now.

These last few weeks have been very tough and I've gone through a lot of emotions. It's a lot of work and we asked for it. We really wanted a child and now we're finding out how hard it is to raise one. Yet would I trade my son for anything? No. This shows how bad we wanted a child and also how much we are still willing to sacrifice in order to hold him for many more years. The birthing experience was not what I wanted, but he came home. That's all I prayed for...and it's exactly what we got. I can only be thankful to God for his life right now. My heart feels warm.

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This post took six weeks to write because I don't have much time anymore. Most of it was done while in the hospital, but some parts had to be completed or filled in afterwards. It barely covers everything that happened during our 6-day stay. It was a long and arduous time, and now we are met we an harder time of caretaking. Parenthood is so glamorized and I'm here to tell you how much it shouldn't be. The afterglow is wonderful and the heart fuzziness is neverending. No, seriously. I feel joy even when my son is crying and I don't know what to do to help. Yet, we paint pictures of cuddling babies and doing fun activities, but it's a lot more than that. Make sure you want a baby before having one. It's a lot of work to get to the time where they can take care of themselves alongside you. It's years of waiting for them to grow old enough to just pee on their on own. It's many days wondering if you're doing okay as a guardian. You just hope they survive your mistakes and your novice-abilities of taking care of a human life. As rewarding as it may be, you are forever changed. For at least the beginning parts, you will not have much time to do anything for yourselves besides eat and sleep, which is still something you lose and have to reteach yourself and your baby how to do at the same time.

I'm not complaining, just not being dishonest. I'd rather be open about my struggles than to sink in self-negligence. Sure, I probably have postpartum depression in a mild sense, but I am actively working to go beyond it. It's been tough to not have much time for myself, but I can't give up. I have to do this for my baby and for my husband. I have to keep going for myself, too. I owe it to me.

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