#im so lost abt what i want to do once i graduate

[niikasik]

Just finished week 1 of my final semester

...is anyone else going through an existential crisis, or is it just me?

#im so lost abt what i want to do once i graduate #like all of a sudden ive developed the fear of the unknown which i never had #like anxiety everyday bc career wise im lost #i want to work abroad but its impossible to land jobs right out of uni #lmao watch me just go become an english teacher #notes #studyblr #language study #study notes #chemistry notes #english notes #bullet journal #bio notes #business student #study #study tips #lifestyle #studyspo #studyspiration #study space #notes spread #bujomonthly #bujoweeklyspread #monthly bujo #bujoinspo #bujo aesthetic #bujosetup #uni notes #uni studies #studyabroad

[jenanddomo]

6.28.23

11:39pm

hey, its been a long time since i actually put something!

lets start w love life

so i got w my bf lol in early april! he so sweet n cute. he fr has the best version of me he so lucky

the reason y i say he so lucky bc i fr try my hardest not to be ugly or mean to me, he doesn’t deserve that. me n him r doin well :) prob bc it jst the beginning still but even then i tell him everything lol , i told him my darkest secrets n stuff (i thought he was gon be a stranger) but we always havin convos. i sleep w him once a week sometimes two, he so comfortable to sleep with.! i love to be ard him, we do little cute dates n i drove us to the movies to watch elemental it was so cute! so rn thats good

i treat him super good, im super honest w him n i jst cant lie to him:( i tell him the truth eventually. i only lie to him to mes w him like sum stupidddd

but thats that

mentally

i have been doin great actually! i dont feel miserable or depressed, empty, like im so happy now! life is great, i love everyone ard me :) every1 so great their hasnt been anyone so negative uk? im also very real to myself i accepted n jst found peace within myself

so thats good

pets

my two og cats died my spooky n kingking:(

i miss them very much i miss my black n orange cat they were like ying n yang . i miss their cute little personalities they were the best

but now a general

post

lets talk abt what i think and stuff

so i moved on lol as i said i found peace within myself , lookin at the old posts,, gosh who let me cook,,, i saw old posts, messages, and everything n its so crazy how much i changed in 5 months really. lookin at how immature i was , i was so clueless and stupid and lookin back at it now it likes been there uk? it was never a good thing from the get go:) i accepted that, i also accepted i used to be a bad person to but ik i got so much better, the guy im w he makes me want to be a better person.

eating? i dont eat anymore lol, i still eat below like 1000 cals , like every 2 weeks i will eat above it butttt idk! honestly in only this month i lost 8-9 lbs:) so now im 142 yippe yayayay my goal weight is 120-130 so in total i lost 38 lbs which is crazy. when my bf met me i was above 155 so im pretty happy w that

my life been so peaceful and im jst so glad alot of ppl left my life this year before i graduated, n im thankful for those ppl too without yall i wouldnt be who i am today uk? yes i was mad, childish and everything, that part it jst sum i still need to work on bc i do have anger issues. but even then i dont like arguing anymore or jst fightin in general, yea thats what i learned what to do but its not worth it uk? on my insta reels i see some relatable posts that i relate to so much im jst like awh:3

im glad im jst not how i was before uk? rn im jst so calm, i dont feel empty no more , i actually starting to feel motivation to do sum, i want to do sum w my life and i want to help others ard me.

when it was my last day of school, it was supposed to be “sad” but i was so happy bc i donated blood n my blood helped someone:D i was so happyyy like jst helpin other ppl makes me ecstatic.

i also quit smoking so im proud of myself for that:) i do have moments where i wan do it n stuff but im like no drugs bad n the only bad thing i do is drink, but even then im trying to stop that too bc their was one week were i drank everyday but i told myself i dont wan be like my dad so i kind of stopped.

my music taste is different then it was 5 months ago.

i have 2 new cats gizmo n walter.

im jst so happy rn lol i dont know what to say:3

but im glad for what happened to me , im glad i went through stuff when i was a kid, im glad i finally even opened up abt it to someone im jst so glad everything happened bc i jst wouldnt be who i am now

i guess

im just tryin to be a bigger better person

i dont want to be childish no more i dont want to fight i dont want to hit or argue or cause shit on purpose

lately i been emotional but i think

i jst need it bc im jst so glad how open i am w all that stuff rn

i also finished king of the hill lol i dont know if i put that

#Spotify

[startledbirb]

.

#............................................................... #so i hadtyped out the majority of what happened but then tumblr decided to quit on me and i lost it all so i'll just give the short version #after the family dinner i wentto go usethe restroom and my mom tried to make me use the women's restroom and it was locked(single room) so i #went to the men's one(which is what i wanted to use to begin with) as my mom tried to make me wait to usethe womens one but i was fed up so #i didnt listen and i think bc of that she blew up and starting yelling abt how wrong all of it was and how i was destroying myself and how #she wouldnt be silent anymore(which she never was rlly) and that evryone else was too cowardly to say it but she would #and that if i remained silent they would stop paying for the phonebill and would take my dad's signature off of the parent plus loans i had #to take out to pay tuition and then when we were almost back to my grandparent's place my dad(who was driving) pulled the car into a random #parking lot and said that we had to talk or he would take his signature off of it so i basically had to talk to them and answer all their #questions and listen to them say i was dead basically bc i wasnt identifying with my deadname and didnt want breasts and that was a #dissasociation and destroying my body(hrt) and im so fuckin fed up and throughout it they found out i had legally changed my name #they still dont know i got top surg or that im still taking t but i know they expect me to do some kind of detransition which i am #absolutely not doing and my mom wants me to go on a goddess retreat so i can 'be a goddess again' and i am so fed up #but i hope it can hold off atleast until i graduate and that the signature cant be rescinded once it's already signed #the phone bill i could handle but the loan cost definitely not rn #and my bro has bought into it too so he thinks my parents r the reasonable ones evn tho they manipulated me into a conversation i didnt want #and wouldnt listen when i said i wasnt dead

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review ch (76 & 77)

So, I decided to read the manga mainly in search for a more natural balanced female presentation than the idealistic, shallower, savior depiction of tohru in the anime.

I’m intentionally skipping all the chapters of her as a (mother figure) in yuki’s life & won’t read them or even visit them for comparison with the anime. I love yuki’s growth story & the unique depiction of his platonic relationship with tohru, but if his mother-tohru phase was a drink, then the anime has force fed it to me till it came from my nose! So, for yuki, I’ll be reading his growth past-his mother confession.

I’ve consulted my lovely manga readers friends & thy recommended starting from ch 90 since the content in that chapter was completely cut! but some recommended checking kyoto chapters first since they contain a nice glimpse of the author’s style & artistic vision. Kyoto ep in the anime isn’t focused on “mom-tohru” so, i like the idea! I’ll jump to ch 90 right after ch 77.

- Subtle growth of a woman ( Clash of visions & presentation between the manga’s “ Loosing the wallet with mom’s photo vs the anime’s fractured photo frame):

I really love the underlined connotation of tohru loosing her “mom” unknowingly! In the anime, this scene played without any reference to kyoko & tohru’s attachment to her. We saw tohru the teenage girl confused as she experience romantic love for the first time. Nothing more than that. But the manga says “ Main female MC is way deeper than a (mom-figure) or a (girl in love), In this panel, tohru chases after kyo & unknowingly looses her famous wallet containing her mom’s picture. Here’s what this subtly indicates:

 Normally, tohru would notice right away that her wallet is missing, here she never even notice until kyo suggest they hang out together. Subtly indicating that tohru is moving further & further from her phase of “ an afraid, grieving, abandoned child clinging to her mom”.

Normally, tohru would panic, say “ mom is missing” & everyone around her goes into search mode to make tohru at ease (hiro’s ep). Here once she notices, she says “ my wallet is missing” & kyo relaxed & laughingly gives her her wallet back. While he goes to bring the wallet, tohru instead of thinking “ oh nearly lost mom!” is musing over the fact that “it’s strange that kyo can make me happy or sad with one word only”. Subtly indicating that tohru is replacing her mom with kyo as part of growing up from the child she was to the woman she will be.

Tohru calling kyo “mysterious”, subtly explains that tohru is in the uncertain phase of understanding her feelings as a woman & hence, pave the path for upcoming trauma exploration & psychological depth.

The entire scene in the manga is depicted to convey different layers: romance, upcoming growth, & unexplored traumatic issues of abandonment, grief, & human weakness. “ Accepting human Weakness & change” IS the manga’s vision.

In the anime, the fractured picture worked simply becuz no issues of any traumatic experiences with tohru were ever hinted. Nothing abt tohru being a young woman moving away from a traumatic childhood was ever implied beside the weakly sharply cut & forgotten few scenes of her mysteriously going “ im okay” while remembering her dad’s shrine. Was there ever anything abt replacing her mom with kyo? Nope!. Was there anything abt tohru reluctance of loving kyo? Nope! to fix that, let’s shock the audience with empty photo frame! It’ll make the viewers confused & if we play the climax right & give tohru a tearjerker speech confronting akito, all is good. It worked in the anime as it served the purpose it was created for: shock value & drama. ppl bought it. But in the long run, it cemented tohru as the “savior angel” never the “ weak human”. But not many will have issues with that. Having yuki with his impressive story of growth & kyo with his shocking story of pain is enough to distract from the rest. The director must think: What does the audience want?

a woman who’d save the prince with her motherly care?“ Done!”.

a woman who’d love the monster? “ Done !”. 

a woman who has her own deep story? no one will miss that~ skip!

-Yuki’s next stage of growth: Friends:

I like how smoother the scene played here. Yes, yuki thinks back to his gratitude to tohru, but it plays subtly & more emphasis is on his friendship with kakeru. No added scene of him waving back to tohru after kakeru which brought the focus back to mom-tohru again. No. Here is way less shoved in your throat. Yuki says how he felt in the moment, moved on to the next stage, thought abt his life & choives, moved on to school. Clear lines that makes yuki more dynamic & way less “ living in his head” character.

Side Notes:

The manga’s art is pretty but expressive! I was afraid it’ll have that weird eyes bigger than the moon & too much sparkles & bubbles like the usual old shojo manga art!

Yuki is way more expressive than the anime & less pretty & sparkly! I welcome this with flowers & songs! lol.

Tohru has “low” pigtails instead of the child-like high pigtails! YES! it is crazy that this trivial change adds so much to tohru’s presentation to the viewers’ eyes. In real life no big deal but in an artistic medium such choices send subliminal messages to viewers minds, that’s why artists spend a lot of time choosing their characters default appearance. It means a lot for the character’s overall path & sends messages. High child-like pigtails: make her look like innocent & naive child since viewers usually associate such hair do with children & toddlers. Low pigtails: are cute girly style that we associate with teenagers & young adult women, it’s practical & cute.

Kyo’s looks as youthful & handsome as the anime but less angry, annoyed & more versatile in his expression! It always bothered me that the anime just go with kyo’s default frowned face, hands in pocket looks unless he should express a key emotion. Also, kyo without an undershirt in his uniform! interesting change from the anime.

I missed kyo’s two buddies! T_T. Why they weren’t in the anime’s finale.. could’ve at least put them in the underwhelming graduation ceremony ~

I really appreciate that yuki’s fanclub are one page, less annoying.

That awkward moment when a manga panel drawn by one person can depict a crowded city more than an anime with a huge team. Like the anime didn’t even need to zoom out for a huge wide shot that showcase its weakness in depicting a crowded city. If you can’t draw that, just zoom in to lessen the effect of emptiness. kyoto isn't a deserted area especially not during a school trip!

The teachers checking on the sneaking vs sleeping students scene is a welcoming sight! XDDD

Hana met kakeru before? saw him & tohru together? weird!!

Kakeru is more focused on tohru here.

I really love the photos taken for everybody. It indicates real good time! Hana eating, yuki around girls, arisa annoyed, kyo teased with playing card: did the play “rich man poor man” again? XD

I’m starting to love yuki more in the manga than the anime!

Kyo having short inner thought abt not being able to tell tohru a girl confessed to him & deciding to say “ none of ur business” is doing wonders to the scene!!! it makes him less mean to tohru & more balanced character. I mean I guessed so in the anime, but what could've prevented making the VA say this short line of inner thought?! Yuki’s VA says essays & essays in nearly every ep abt nearly every character?!.

I liked the way kyo held tohru’s hands when he turned to her, the way he held her hand in the anime is a bit weird. lol. Also, in this scene, tender gentle kyo is so well-done both in the anime & manga. The manga wins for the zoom in & focus on emotions, tho.

Next is chapter 90!

#Fruits Basket #fruits basket manga #reading paper #manga reviwes #ch 76 #ch 77 #Anime Only

[annakarenina]

are you currently working or in college? sorry for asking you this and you don't need to answer if you don't want to, ofc. but like, i'm 20 and i have no clue of what i should do, i'm so lost. not sure if i should do something i love (even if it's harder and it'll cost more money) or anything else just so i don't stay here, in this small town, doing nothing. i feel like at this point i should be doing something but i just don't know what, and right now i'm just existing instead of living, it feels like everyone else is living their best lifes and i'm here, slowly dying inside.

nah don't be sorry anon it's ok!! i'm currently working AKA i've graduated college and worked for like 2 years and now i'm taking a break because i didn't like my job

not sure if im the best person to give out advice but: i think u should do what u love bc if u dont then ull keep wondering abt it. if ure free to be free then do whatever u want (responsibly) and do what makes u happy!! someone once said if ure happy doing what ure doing then no one can tell u ure unsuccessful <3

miss rodrigo once said: "their win is not [your] loss" social media is an evil lie ppl only let u see what they want u to see. trust me i know things 👍🏼 just never ever compare urself to others. ik it's cliche but it's true 😁

i think u should also remember that u have all the time in the world!! in the words of billy joel: "slow down you're doing fine / u cant be everything u want to be before ur time / u got ur passion, u got ur pride / but dont you know that only fools are satisfied?"

and idk what living personally means to u (the grind dont stop? writing a full length novel within a week? flying out to bali every weekend? starting a family?) but u are already living your best life even if ure just doing the smallest of things: reading books for fun, listening to birds chirping, knowing the words to your favorite songs, going out for 15 minute walks, baking cookies and then forgetting about it so now they're burnt, watching the sunset, loving ur friends etc like it doesn't have to be all shiny things or social media worthy or outside validation←especially not this

also read this person's reply to my post i love it so much!! the tom holland part tho did u know he's tired of acting. he now wants to be a landlord or a carpenter or some shit jgkfdhsghj now uve learned a tom holland fact against ur will x

#answered #THIS IS SO LONG OH GOD IM SORRY #i dont even talk this much irl GJHREWUGDHJDHSHJG #anon: should i do this or that? me: when i was born #ask

[zhuhongs]

oh god i honestly could cry rn im just so tired of everything. like it rlly Is August and im sick of being brave (rant incoming)

okay so like first thing rlly is this fucking job. like god i... its about equal the amt of money i make there plus one day at m/rshalls versus if i worked at marshalls my normal amt. so like... ok. and then theres just the sheer amout of atuff i need to do to prep for that job that i just dont get compensated for and like i still do the same amt as the other teachers but get paid less and have less hours. like What... why. and then theres just. the stress of the job bc i need to learn how to teach all year long and keep up the energy and i just. i cant do it. i dint think I'll be happy doing it. like rlly i may give it a month and its Not The Job For Me.. like. I'm rlly convinced. i remember snth myanager way e said to me before i trained someone and he said "you need to make sure they get it from the start bc if theyre lost at the beginning, theyre gonna be lost the entire time up until they leave." and thats how i feel abt this job. theyve lost me since the first day of training. rlly. i feel lost. and im gonna communicate that. and then i have this whole deal with my car that makes me want to cry on the spot. like its 1.3k to fix my car. and i font really understand why at all. like ik ive neglected it and that theres issues with it. but idk how it amts to that much. according to the technician, my engine mounts are all broken so my engine is shaking when u start it which us a huge issue and could cause the engine to explode p much if i dont do anything. and im just. okay well i gotta fix it. but jesus christ do i want to cry. its an used car i got a horrible deal on and i. i dont know if its worth ut. its nit fully paid off even so i cant sell it or trade it in i think and i just. i dont know what to do. i have the money for it. thank god. but still thatd be around half of my bank account. and i just paid my tuition and we just moved so money is tight on my mom and my rent goes up and i start in person classes so ill be spending a ton in gas and im just freaked out. and taking this job is honestly like a slight cut in my salary bc its pays biweekly and its like fjfjdjdjshfhdjsjsjs. im just trying to make good decisions for the long term so i dont burn out and nothing looks like its a good investment and i just wanna cry and my mom doesnt want to help me or even talk abt it bc shes also miserable and overworked. and also gets mad at me for overthinking but i cant help it. i dont want to live like i used to live when i could barely make ends meet. it was miserable and i dont want to ve miserable. i thought wverything was starting to look up but no its not!!! its rlly not!! idk how im gonna end up saving to build back up my savings (bc i have a feeling that the way im living rn will be unsustainable and ill be broke soon bc of rent and car payments and school) or how im gonna find a satisfying job after i graduate and im gonna cry. im gonna fucking cry. i. literally crying. i dont know what i want to do. i dont rlly want to teach or do art. and i sure as hell dont want to stay in retail and i know i dont need to have it figured put rn. im 21 with a job, a car, and a BA in progress. im doing really well but all i have is me bc my family cant support me. they have to support themselves so i have to be doing well!! i cant live otherwise. i just want the right answers and i dont know. like do i stick it out here and gain experience? but for what?!! i dont want to stay in this field. i just. i dont kniw. i dont know. i just want to be happy and i probably never shouldve taken the job bc i know ill hate leaving once i start bc ill feel bad for the kids. but its not my fault but i. but i. god. I dont want to be brave. i want to have everything figured out.

#i should sleep. tommorow ill head to the auto ahop first thing and get a detailed list of what the charges are and why.. so at least i have #that piece of mind squared away and i read on their website they offer financing for purchases over 600 which this def is so hopefully i can #do that and take that burden off of me #and then i have a vague lesson plan for thursday and friday... i think. and that will work out. but rlly i need to tell my supervisor #tomorrow that i rlly dont have faith in this job bc of how disprganized it is and like. ik its not their fault. everyone is feeling on edge. #its a hard school year ahead for literally all of us bc of covid. but still. i just. i dont know if im the right person for this job. #i need to let her know that... bc god. god #i think. i think ik what the right answer is. i think i do. #god ... im just sick of this though. i am. #🐌.txt

[collisiondiscourse]

i have decided i am now going to blow up your inbox bc i csn i’m sorry codi focnnf

b u t!! anyway i’m going to rambling abt my new dad for all au [whixh was the au i sent you that ask abt]

alrighty so all might is now midoriya’s dad. that’s a thing. i like to think that inko and toshinori were high school sweethearts who broke up after graduation but met again when all might was called to recuse some hostages and inko was one of them!! anywho all might recuses her, they go on a coffee date, realize they’re still in love and start again

they get married and have izuku, who keeps inko’s maiden name [midoriya is now inko’s maiden name bc i do what i want]. he’s the cutest baby who has inko’s green hair, but has one blue and one green eye! [these are /important/] inko and all might talk abt maybe giving izuku all for one when he’s older, but they decide against it bc they don’t know if he’ll have a quirk or not

spoiler!! bitch baby has a quirk!! he gets a quirk that’s so much different than inko’s quirk and !!! ahhh!!! the basic explanation is that all might’s all of one genes mixed and then “corrupt” inko’s like 3 generation quirk-having genes or smth and izu has a very, very complex quirk now. it’s called astron, and astron allows him to fucking astral project into the center of the university and shit chxnc

astron works two different ways: using his blue eye he can project other people into his own personal astral plane and do whatever he wants. while the person’s physical body is still where it was, their mind is in the astral plane. if he uses his green eye, he can project himself to his astral plane and fuck around without consequences!!

[there’s an untold third ability of astron using both of his eyes, but izuku tried doing that when he first got his quirk and immediately fell into a coma for like a month? it was bad and his mind couldn’t handle the stress and dipped lol]

ANYWAY, izuku grows up with a bomb ass quirk and still has his kacchan with him thru his childhood so things are a lot different than canon? the wonder duo are little shitheads together and i love them, they wreck havoc and i love them

i have more ideas for this story but this is all i have for now, codi this is so long i’m sorry i’m blowing up ur inbox 🥺😭

me opening my askbox and seeing the length of this au: holy shit

me reading the actual whole au: HOLY SHIT

AJ I LOVE THIS HIGHKEY!!! I LOVE THE IDEA OF OP DEKU W A FUCKED UP QUIRK JUST TERRIFYING EVERYONE HE COMES ACROSS!!!! heterochromia is SO so good as a character design element and i LOVE THE WAY THIS IS IMPLEMENTED YELLS. I WANNA DRAW THIS SO BAD!!! THIS LOOKS SO COOL

(serious writing/plot below - blood and vomit mention)

oh god and now im imagining deku like. being this extremely feral and annoying lil shit whos extremely powerful and now bakugous got someone on his level so hes a lot more humble as hes growing up but also him and deku are the?? BESTEST OF FRIENDS. and i imagine when bakugou is being a little shit deku just. astral projects him out of his body for a while and apologizes to whoever kacchan yelled at LMFAO---bakugou comes back to his body and is all like “....fucks sake stop doing that”

AND THEN omfgkjfds imagine morally grey deku who does whatever he can to win?? he knew he wouldnt get into UAs hero course fair and square (all might offered him a recommendation but he declined because he wanted to get there on his own with kacchan) because robots didnt have souls he could astral project so he practices his quirks limits like YEARS prior and he tells bakugou about it but never rlly shows him but on the day of the entrance exam?

he shows up. everything goes as normal and he finishes the written exams and then moves on to the practical exam (still seperated from kacchan like in canon) and like. Every one goes dashing forward and deku doesnt really try to beat anyone. He waits until theyre all in the center engaging with robots when he walks to the center of the room.

and he sees the zero pointer in the distance.

“THE ZERO-POINTER’S HERE!” He yells and points at the gigantic mech heading their way. All at once everyone’s heads whip up to catch sight of the robot, enraptured by its sheer size and power. 

As they all look to one direction, Deku makes eye contact with them and smiles.

All at once, every single participant in the area goes limp. Astron throws their souls into the astral plane with little fanfare and everyone watches in awe and annoyance as their bodies uselessly crumple to the ground from the outside. The green-haired boy is suddenly given free reigns of the arena and they seethe as one by one he deactivates or disables robots that were once under their purview.

(What some of the smarter ones notice however, is the way he seems to be leaving some stray 3 pointers untouched... almost as if he was doing the calculations in his head as he goes... on how to ensure the number one spot while others can still score points...?)

One by one however, they start struggling and reaching to reconnect with their bodies. Their gleaming bright souls bob up and down with frenzied energy and Deku feels it. He feels it like itches on his skin and goosebumps that turn into hills that dance up and down his back. He feels it like he feels his limit reaching.

Its still around 10 minutes though before he actually loses control and everyone comes back to their bodies. His quirk times out and almost like its angry, the astral plane takes his body in exchange for the dozens he kept in there. He gets sucked through and passes out while everyone else runs and destroys the remaining bots. It doesn’t matter though, because he knows he’s racked up enough points to stay on top. He lets himself rest and observes the blue-haired tall guy with engines who contemplates carrying Deku’s body to safety.

Until, he sees her.

Just under some rubble and very close to getting crushed by the Zero-Pointer’s foot, Deku spots a brown-haired young girl that he recalls has some kind of floating quirk. He sees as everyone runs past her, prioritizing their own safety instead of hers.

He makes a decision.

Quickly--recklessly, a familiar gruff voice says in his ear--he forces himself back into his body and looks around. He runs to the girl and attempts to dig her out from the rubble before she gets crushed. The robot comes ever closer.

Using the little strength and flexibility he’s learnt from years of sparring with Kacchan, Deku abandons her in favor of climbing up the broken concrete and metal to meet the robot’s visor. He knows he won’t save her by digging her out of there, but by god is he gonna let her get injured without a fight. These robots weren’t designed to kill, but they were designed to destroy.

Focus. Focus and listen to what’s around you, Izu-kun.

The world around him reduces to tunnel-vision and suddenly Deku is face to face with the Zero-Pointer. It stops, as if calculating how to discard of Deku without hurting him severely with its own strength.

Everything has life in it. You only need to focus and look for it.

Izuku Midoriya looks at the robot.

In a whirlwind of blue and green, he reaches inside of himself and searches for life. Cold steel and hard-wired code meet his gaze and he plunges even deeper. 

Focus.

Then all at once, everything in his visions snaps into sudden clarity, like he’s never seen before. He feels everything. Sees Everything. Smells, tastes, hears--and he hears how the metal beneath him bends and groans. He feels how it winces and shudders. He sees it as it opens its maw and its visor bends in a facsimile of eyes, pleading him as if asking how?

The robot beneath him comes to life and stumbles back.

Quickly, he scrambles to the nearest ledge which happens to be a broken support beam. Distantly, he thinks he feels his arm being sliced open on the edge of it and the warmth of blood streaming down his side as he nearly falls. 

“HEY! YOU WITH THE ENGINES!” He hoarsely screams to the still remaining, slack-jawed contestants. “I CAN’T KEEP THE ZERO POINTER DOWN FOR LONG! GO HELP THE GIRL AND TAKE HER TO SAFETY NOW!”

With a sudden burst of energy, the fellow participants start taking others out from the rubble while the blue-haired boy helps the brunette he was protecting earlier. As he watches them clear the rubble to drag her out, he feels a pang.

Who am I? a lost voice calls out. It’s raspy and almost-robotic sounding and only he can hear it. Where am I? What am I?

And Deku’s vision flickers.

In and out, he sees flashes through eyes that aren’t his. He hears voices that are simultaneously faraway and way too close for comfort. The world tugs at the sides of his perspective and a strain is pulling at the back of his head tearing his brain to shreds. He doesn’t know what he’s focusing or straining on, except that its working and keeping the zero-pointer down.

He grits his teeth. “Hurry the hell up! i can’t do this any longer--”

Bursts of pain appear behind his mismatched eyes and he wants to scream so bad and if he were looking any clearer he’d see the way that the zero-pointer thrashes on the ground in time with the pounding on his skull. Bile crawls up the back of his throat and Deku screams.

“SHE’S CLEAR! YOU CAN LET GO NOW, MIDORIYA-SAN.”

Izuku lets go and his vision goes black.

#ASKDZVJFXKS OK THIS TOOK. #A LOT LONGER THAN INTENDED #ok so gthis has plot now and now im thinking of. writing this actually #i love this au so much thank u aj i hOPE YOU DONT MIND THAT I WROTE FOR IT??? im sO SORRY?? #anyway have more of my writing its unedited and garbage\ #asks #yeets your boy #collisioncomrades #bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #deku #izuku midoriya #midoriya izuku #long post #cw long post #long post cw

[loptyrs-moved]

Can you talk more abt ur fandoms ocs? I like your writing a lot and would like to know more abt em

Oh my goodness I’m 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you’re SO sweet thank you!

Well, I have quite a few and some have their own deeper lore stories that go with them. If you guys want more information on them, I can do separate posts on all of them. But Here they are! I’m so excited to share my babies with you!

More is under the cut. The Picrew I used is here.

Ikemen Revolution

Black Army Side

Corrin Fukui

Age: Appears to be in mid-early twenties

Hair: Brick white

Eyes: Blood Red

Height: 4′11

Any other Qualities:

Draconic features -- She’s literally a dragon but not by nature

Curved Opalescent Horns

Shimmery opalescent tail

Wings that also shimmer in the light

retractable?

Pointed ears

Easily frightened by loud noises and sudden movements

stunted growth

Hoards blankets and comfort items

writes in a journal every day 

its one luka got for her and she refuses to write in anything else. she pours her heart out on the pages, and all her memories

she had a brother! but he passed away because of the magic tower :(

turns into a gIANT DRAGON 

ICE ICE BREATH BABY

Was found by Luka while on a patrol near the forbidden forest, lost and afraid, so she was taken in

Had amnesia at first

She actually is an experiment of Amon and she managed to escape

Excellent at sewing and gardening

Sufficient with baking

She’s for Luka! The way they fell for each other was a slow, gradual trust, and mutual understanding. She saw him as a man, as he was, and nothing else.

Sometimes is called Corri

gentle hearted and innocent

but not as innocent as you’d think 

she’s a dragon, and she’s a greedy little one

Ophelia Dae

Age: 24

Hair: Crimson red

Eyes: Jade green

Height: 5′8

Any other Qualities:

A skilled swordsman, and one of the Chosen Thirteen

9 of Spades baybeee

While she is more accustomed to short swords and sabers, Phelia is a magic user! But she isn’t really in agreement with Ray with his stance on magic

BOMBASTIC AS HELL

BISEXUAL

“Is he bothering you Queen?”

Trans

Was friends with Ray and Fenrir while in school, and was just as much of a hellraiser as them

she was there when the day things went dark happened and was almost taken but that day is a blur for her

phelia REFUSES to talk about it

she still has nightmares

raised by a single mother

TRIVIA! She was an old fire emblem oc i had and she was the daughter of Arvis -- so if you squint when she uses magic you’ll see Valflame

joined the army probably because Fenrir was too, and she was inspired by him 

she joined for her own reasons but he made it easier for her to do it too

his passion was what made her fall for him in the first place

has a personal vendetta against the magic tower for what they did to her and her friends

AND CORRIN JEEZ

will sacrifice herself if necessary to the cause

PROBABLY HAS ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF IT

Bruh girl

Amira Nasiri

Age: 22

Hair: Chocolate brown

Eyes: Turquoise blue

Height: 5′3

Any other qualities:

My version of Alice! Difference is that she’s Persian

That’s it

She’s just as spunky as Alice 

however she responds with being called Alice a little different

she’s adamant about being called Amira

At some point she just accepts Seth does it to distance himself

also an avid baker like alice

pISTACIOS

BAKLAVA

Amira is just Alice except she’s just my take on her. 

She has the same vibrant spirit as Alice

and I personally consider Seth the canon route for REASONS

just ask me why fjgdfgjksd

Red Army Side

Azul Flores

Age: 25

Hair: Raven black

Eyes: Wisteria purple

Height: 5′0

Any Other Qualities:

An old friend of the Queen of Hearts

like she met him when she was 8 years old

fought his bullies when they would give him a hard time when he was a kid

they dated for a WHILE

did NOT work out

HARD CHILDHOOD

Ambitious, hard working young woman who was married into a high standing family on the Red side. Her mother was a teacher and gained the attention of one of the Chosen Thirteen on that side, and got married

Azul is NOT the officer’s daughter. She’s his step daughter

Has had extensive studies on the History of Cradle and of the Red Territory.

Wants to be a Cradle Historian

Works for the Red Army as a personal assistant to the queen

UNINTENTIONAL

THEY ACTUALLY CANT STAND EACH OTHER

Unless....

Look their story is very dramatic and it hurts me every day so please stay tuned with them. 

CUT THROAT BITCH

YOUR DEVIL

DEMON

Heckles Jonah like its her job — she knows him better than anyone elsd, if anyone knows his bs, its her

Bad resting bitch face

Actually really shy, and quiet when in different surroundings

A sweetheart and will cut a bitch for you once she knows u

She is perhaps one of the most transparent, honest, genuine person. there is no bullshit with her. she will tell you her honest thoughts with you

Cerise Nam

Age: 19

Hair: Berry Pink

Eyes: Petal Pink

Height: 5′2

Any other qualities:

Her mom came to Cradle from a far off place, and set up a food and pastry shop in the Central Quarter. Met her dad. Been there since

They live in Black Territory

She works for her parents and works with the pastries/desserts

loves making desserts from where her parents are from

She knows the Queen of Hearts VERY well since she makes the best mille feuille

Got a job from him actually, and works for the Red Army Headquarters kitchen

Loves to cook and bake!

a little naïve, but she’s a realist

youngest of FIVE kids!!

Morning girl

She may be petite but she can HEAFT heavy bags of flour/rice/dry goods

Met Zero by accident, and crashed into him while in town

love at first sight for her. how can you fault her?

she thinks he’s dreamy... and sweet...

does she flirt with him a little? Cerise can’t help it...

She and Zero have more of a hidden relationship because she fears her parents won’t approve

family stuff -- and she understands

RED ARMY OFFICER?? BLACK TERRITORY GIRL

look im cheesy

dont worry it works out

zero has to consider himself and his own personal stuff too so its a little difficult 

Non Army Suitor(s)

Lucile Lidell

Age: 20

Hair: Straw blonde

Eyes: Aqua blue

Height: 5'1

Any other qualities:

She and her twin, Noelle, are the actual descendants of the original Alice

Inherited unusual hairpins that were from cradle

More of the 'modern woman stuck in the wrong time' kind of gal

Rebellious

Noelle and Luci: partners in crime

Short skirts galore

Does not give a singular shit of what MEN think of her

Wants to be taken seriously

Sometimes acts like an airhead in order to get attention. She's actually pretty somber as a person and prefers to be in the background as her sister takes the stage

loves her sister more than anyone else in the world

When she and Noelle fall into Cradle, they kind of hightail it and live in the woods with Harr and Loki

Sticks with Harr since he's literally the least threatening man ever

First man to feel safe around

"Excuse me he said NO pickles!"

Will cut a bitch for him, or use magic -- luci will hurt someone if they even think a bout looking at him wrong

Loves to make clothes

'I mended the holes in your cloak for you...' 'Bye Harr, be safe and have a good day.'

'Welcome home, I missed you.'

Puts up a tough girl front but she's just a big softie just like him

Doesn't realize she has a crush on him until shit starts to hit the fan

Actually very vanilla tbh but wants to spoil her bf

Ikemen Sengoku

Ito Tsunade

Age: 26

Hair: Straw Blonde

Eyes: Molten Gold

Height: 5′5

Any Other Qualities:

Graduate student at the same university as Sasuke 

got stuck in the storm with him and Mai, and was tossed into the sengoku era

but she got separated from Mai

Met Shingen first much to her luck because uh.... lets say Tsunade is aint the sharpest tool in the shed

HEAD EMPTY

ZERO THOUGHTS

AIRHEAD

her aesthetic when she gets there?

TITS OUT

BIG HONKERS BIG TATA

HOT

her head might be empty but her tits are fat and they will protect you

Music nerd — loves traditional Japanese instruments, especially the difficult ones

Specializes in girl metal in modern day

eventually proves herself and plays some sick chords for the takeda/uesegi forces

she has entertained them for now

puts sake away like a monster

when she meets sasuke, she finds comfort in the fact he’s also lost with her, so she clings

asks him how to protect herself from shingen bc he’s horny lolol

genuinely thinks sasuke is hilarious

also does NOT realize she’s in love with him until the gravest of grave happens

her name was UNINTENTIONAL

Aibana Hinata

Age: Presents in his early-mid twenties

Hair: Black Midnight

Eyes: Haunting gold and vermillion

Height: 5'3

Any other qualities: 

The concubine of Nobunaga

Please know I made him a long while before the other guy was dropped so I’m just gonna offer this little gay boy

Nobunaga bought him from a brothel after being so intrigued by him. Hina entertained him so well that he was set for life

A RIGHT SNARKY BASTARD

HE KNOWS HE’S PRETTY AND CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER

Likes to challenge Nobunaga in battles of wits

board games

debate as pillow talk

swordplay if the lords will entertain him enough

Bisexual as hell

Gender? Don’t know her

He uses all pronouns

True pronoun: princess

ONLY EXISTS IN A UNIVERSE WHERE THERE IS MAI

Nobunaga/Mai/Hinata........

Unless.......

Smart, and educated

former geisha

he can read! and write!

LOVE FUCKING WITH HIDEYOSHI

if there is mai, he would bond with her like no one else

he would be her best friend

her confidant

genuinely adores her

even if she is pursuing nobunaga, he doesn’t resent her ... he just wishes that she would find room in her heart for him too

puts up a tough exterior

a softie.....

#ikemen sengoku #ikemen revolution #ikerev luka clemence #ikerev jonah clemence #ikerev fenrir godspeed #ikerev seth hyde #ikesen sasuke #ikesen sarutobi sasuke #ikesen nobunaga #ikesen oda nobunaga #ikesen mai #ikesen mc #ocs #corrin fukui #azul flores #ophelia dae #cerise nam #ito tsunade #aibana hinata #girlsgaystheys #kawaiimikamagic #ikerev #luci lidell #sage's ocs #ask sage

[tired-toby]

it's been nearly a year since my first suicide attempt, since the worst summer of my fucking life that i STILL CANT REMEMBER.

and i feel like i've gone nowhere

i'm still the same piece of shit who couldn't even acknowledge the people she hurt, who still tries to victimize herself when she's anything but the victim, who is wasting the time of everyone around her

i know all this. i know these flaws. i'm self-aware and that makes it worse because despite everything i do i feel like i haven't gotten any better, like i haven't improved at all and if anything i've just sunk deeper into this pit

and it's not like i haven't had people reach out!

my math teacher has kept up with me the WHOLE YEAR yet time and time again i let myself fall short.

i want to be better. i need to be better, for the people that are here now and for those that i've hurt in the past.

for my guinea pigs. for my rats. for my dogs. for everyone.

yet here i am just fucking wallowing, crying on an empty blog that no one will read or give a shit about because it's just me.

i graduate soon. well. i /might/ graduate soon

god

i've fallen so far.

my friends are going to harvard, to mit. i feel like i'm just going to a shallow grave.

i wish things were easy, that i could take a few pills and just be /better./ i want to stop feeling this way, i just want to feel better. i've changed my ways! i only drink water, i eat healthier, i walk my dogs for two hours every day, i've taken up new and old hobbies. but i still fall into slumps, i feel like i am a slump.

i've barely told anyone but i haven't felt like myself in weeks and i'm so fucking scared. i feel like i don't know who i am anymore and the coping mechanisms that i've used to try and feel like myself aren't working like they used to. i feel like im fragmented and being pulled apart at the seams. maybe i'm giving myself too much credit

a overfilled trash bag thats splitting and spilling nothing but garbage

that's better.

i'm just overdramatic

i'm just tired

i even have a healthy sleep schedule, did i mention that? in bed by 10, up by 7. i walk my sister to the bus stop almost everyday.

i thought i did everything right. why doesn't it work why aren't i better why am i still the same asshole why am i no one why am i nothing why can't i just be better why am i not fucking dead

55 days until i'm 18

54 until the night i became the world's greatest failure

what kind of idiot fails to kill themself? twice, at that?

i feel like i'm faking this. i read these words i type and i cry and if eel like im faking it. that i'm doing it for attention. i'm manipulative, i lie to emotionally abuse people

i know this and i'm probably doing it now

seems like something i'd do

my mom says my laptop will be back soon, finally repaired. i don't think i mentioned it here but the harddrive broke and i lost everything

stories. hundreds of thousands of words and i WISH that was an exaggeration

my fucking POKEMON. ALL MY GODDAMN POKEMON!!! I BEAT SOUL SILVER WITH JUST AN AMPHAROS AND ITS FUCKING GONE. MARILYN IM SORRY. NOT TO MENTION ALL MY OTHER SAVES

all my art. all those sketches. i've barely drawn since, nothing feels right anymore. not like i know where my art tablet is anyway :/ that's just

gone

everything's gone

once i have a laptop again, i think i'll be happier. i hope i'm happier. my life is there, my happiness is there. it's not healthy to stare at a screen for who knows how many hours of a day but it makes me happy

i want to have fun with graey again. the weeks we'd spend just playing minecraft and stardew and we haven't been able to do anything because i'm just on my phone and a shitty school laptop that can't even run google and word at the same time

i don't know what i'm going to do. this whole thing is a mess, just so much bullshit. and it's barely the tip of the iceberg

i didn't even mention how my dad found another rope in my brother's room. part of me hopes it's not what i think it is and some part of how i once opened his girlfriend's snapchat and found him listed as daddy

fucking discord moderator lookin' ass. it's the trauma innit

i'm doing dnd again. it's not full campaigns, just one-shots with the sewer rats every other weekend or so where i dm and they can have fun.

i like making them happy

i love all of them. they're my family. caesar, crypt, xeno, cat, moe, roo, blink, cig, fox, graey, even fed and ag. if it weren't for you guys, i'd be nothing. i'd be gone.

caesar, you've been with me through everything. i wouldn't be here if you weren't there for me. i'm glad we're getting close again, i've missed your company

i'm glad i'm the one you tag when you see if anyone wants to watch u stream :)

crypt, for all the shit i give you i love you. when are we going to finish mamma mia together u rat ass bitch

xeno u are one of the funniest motherfuckers i've met, even if u are a literal fetus. whenever i see u join vc im always so fucking hyped

cat why r u so fucking racist. when r we gonna play phasmo

moe stop touching kids.

roo i am not gonna lie sometimes u feel like my mom i s2g granted u are geriatric so maybe that makes u my grandma. point still stands, also when r we gonna plot wren and dhova i want my twink-turned-twunk

blink i still need to dm u back give me a sec.

cig u are also a fetus but u are one of my FAVORITE people to brainstorm and plot with. UR BRAIN IS SO WRINKLY AND UR ALWAYS SO RESPONSIVE IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!

fox. ANOTHER FETUS. but also an amazing dm and just?? ur so creative. U ARE SO CREATIVE. UR CHARACTER DESIGN. UR ART SKILLS. ur so underappreciated?

graey when r we having the dildo battle. i will come to alaska and live in a shack in the woods with ur nasty unshowering ass if it means i get to punch u in the face irl and laugh abt the usual bullshit with you.

fed stop being british it's literally so gross idk how u do it. if u stop being british i'll stop bullying u abt ur terrible typing skills

ag u are just. cool. like if i had to pin someone as like the 'cool/chill' person of the sewers it would 100% be u i am ngl. play roblox cats with me u fucking coward

enough of being sappy. they need to stop accusing me of being a lesbian I AM NOT A LESBIAN

ok

im happy again

thinking about them makes me happy

in other news celestial bodies by ghost data is a nice song

[luobingmeis]

so!!! taz grad!!! holy shit!!!!!!!

spoilers under the cut!!!!!

FIRST OFF, i would just like to say: i said last episode that i did not trust the school taking the students’ items was WEIRD and UNTRUSTWORTHY and someone was like “but it’s the school’s money!” but i am calling this a “ha! told you!” moment bc now fucking higglemas used the glasses and knows about the portal!!!

second: this episode warmed my fitzrain heart :’)

third: my friend told me to make a notesheet of all my grad theories so that is also on my phone now asjksjksdkjd

NOW

A RECAP

fitzroy wanting to take the interdimensional cat with them just to mess with argo is. very funny.

but also i’m just gonna focus on the more “plot based” stuff bc i know im probably gonna end up making and reblogging shitposts abt the funny stuff

firbolg’s conversation with bartholomus made me :( especially when he was like “you need a goal for yourself because, once you all get out of here, you might find everyone else moving forward and yourself lost again” like first off, that hit hard in a way i didn’t expect it to, second i’m so :( abt the firbolg

and fitzroy!!! 

okay so my stance has been “i don’t trust hieronymous for shit” and that scene with higglemas almost confirmed it UNTIL THE LAST LIKE MINUTE but we’ll get to that

god i know the poison stuff was all griffin goofing but, fitzroy, please be careful

i fucking do not trust anything abt fitzroy being moved up to a villain anymore. like i was already kinda *side eye* but also thrilled bc i’ve talked abt wanting villain fitz since episode one, but now i’m just terrified for him

and, i still don’t know if he’s telling everything abt why he wants to be a knight, but fitz saying that he wanted to be a knight bc it’s fair was a very humble answer that i did not expect and, honestly? it shook me up

like, fitzroy is very hooked on good vs. evil & fairness and like.............. i’m so scared for fitzroy

i literally do not know what to think anymore abt higgs telling fitz to not trust anything abt wiggenstaff, especially hieronymous, bc higgs might be proving to be just as untrustworthy

also i’m keeping a note of how fitzroy constantly mentions how he does not want to go home and face his family

also i think fitzroy might officially be my fave, like, that fairness answer really got me

argo!!! and jackle!!! tbh i think the most important take away was jackle learning that argo will stick to his word once it’s given

which now proves to be very complicated and a bit concerning due to the ending and what is being asked of argo but... we’ll get to that...................

the party!!!! i love rainer and we are all rainer when we wake up on our birthday and our brain just goes “presents,,,,,,”

again, my fitzrain heart was warmed :’) and also fitz seemed disappointed that rainer was going to be heading back home so like :(

i also loved all the dancing and the other gifts and festo and i don’t mean to skip over them but i also really want to talk abt the last 20 minutes

buck!!! i love him!!!

buck!!! was super dishevelled!!! and my brain immediately went “well that’s concerning!!!”

and now leon’s missing!!! great!!! i have a huge theory for that but i’ll hit that at the end

i also like how griffin/fitz was like “i see him leaving” bc it’s canonical that fitzroy sees the outside world while meditating

but i also liked how both justin and griffin were like “we as players know what’s going on but there’s no reason for our characters to be suspicious”

the unbroken chain!!! cool!!! tbh maybe it’s bc i’m still so freaked by the ending but i don’t have much to say on that. the necklace part did get me a bit emotional tho :(((

SO THAT FINAL SCENE

let it just be known that, even tho justin was the one who thought to go to the library, travis almost had that entire scene planned out like he wanted it to happen, like he wanted the firbolg to tell the tortle abt the demons, AND NOW THAT TORTLE IS CONFIRMED TO BE A MEMBER OF THE UNBROKEN CHAIN

AND AFTER ARGO COMMITTED TO THIS GROUP AND PROVED THAT HE WOULD KEEP HIS WORD, THEY’RE ASKING ABT FITZROY

fitzroy... please be careful...................

AND THE FIRBOLG’S DREAM

so my friend said that it’s a memory, and that i definitely believe, and the rock is... something........ and higglemas was looking at the portal which is................... another something

AND LEON

here’s my theory: leon Knows something is going on with the school and he went to the heroic oversight guild with it, and higglemas took him out for it bc the h.o.g is the only thing that can deem heroes/villains evil and, if word gets out that hieroymous and higglemas are doing some shady stuff, they can lose their titles and rank and all the power they have accumulated for centuries. i started this episode being like "i dont trust hieronymous for shit but higgs is cool" and now i don't fucking trust either!!!!

also, my overall point: i will talk abt it until i run out of air that graduation’s main theme is “everything is not what it appears” and i think that is the most important thing to remember

as of rn, my top 5 is: fitzroy, argo, jackle, buck, and rainer

and i also have some theories and i am recording them also here:

see above for leon theory

wiggenstaff creates the problems in last hope/nua so that they can keep the hero/villain business going (i know we all goof abt accounting, but heros/villains are literally a business)

goodcastle is a real place

my friend thinks fitzroy is going to be the scapegoat for hieronymous/higglemas when shit starts to go wrong

the tortle is gonna bring the demon problem to the unbroken chain

there’s going to be a parents weekend where a bunch of shit comes to light abt argo’s mom, fitzroy’s family, the firbolg’s exile, buckminster’s dad (the iron lord), and rolandus’s dad (who is living in exile)

so i’m just thinking of this now but what if fitzroy is purposely being told to not trust the school so that he’ll be more likely to work against it

basically!!! i am terrified for literally every single student at wiggenstaffs and i do not fucking trust those brothers

#taz graduation #taz graduation spoilers

[daisy--sorbet]

heyyy, hope you’re having a good night!! if you have the energy and feel okay answering, what’s up w taz graduation? i haven’t checked it out yet but i was thinking ab it. just asking bc you’re the first person i saw talk ab the show having serious issues, but also feel free to not answer this!! hope you have a good week!

i took a nice hot bath, had a strawberry kiwi capri-sun, and did a nice face mask and i’m feeling pretty good - so, y’know what anon? let’s talk about it. 

for anyone who likes taz grad who sees this post: it’ll be tagged with “taz grad hate” (although i feel hate is definitely a very strong word - it’s for the simplicity of tagging it) - so please block the tag if you don’t want to see this post (especially because i put a readmore on a post before and it didn’t show up on mobile and instead gave the full post). mobile tumblr has a tag blocking system, so please feel free to use it! i don’t mind haha

anyway, so this is... probably going to be a lost post, and i wanna go ahead and preface it: this absolutely isn’t any hate on the mcelroys themselves. i love the brothers and their dad a lot, and while i doubt any of them would ever see this (or have it sent to them, or shown to them, because im pretty sure they try to distance themselves from this sort of thing), i just want to make it clear that criticizing a product is different than bashing a person. which brings me to the point of if i do end up sounding as if im bashing someone - please call me out on it! it’s not my intention to target anyone.

with that said, let’s talk about this campaign.

so my problems are as thus: the railroading, the shipping (a fandom problem, but it’s present in the podcast), the NPCs, and some misc problems others have addressed better than i have.

which. i know. that’s basically the entire podcast. (i promise i’ll bring up some positive points to balance it all out). keep in mind i’ve only personally listened to... what, six episodes? and it was enough for me to drop it. some people dropped it first ep, some dropped it ep four, and others are still forcing themselves to listen.

the railroading

there was a time i could handle travis and his railroading [making sure the story goes exactly the way he has planned], because it was the very beginning of the podcast and that’s what you can kind of expect from a plot-heavy podcast. hell, i wouldn’t mind it if the interactions and goofs weren’t a huge part of why i listen to TAZ in particular (which, by the way, is why amnesty still stuck out to me - even if there was a direction griffin wanted to push them towards, the interactions between the players (or players and npcs) made up for any railroading). it’s kind of hard to not railroad a little when it’s story-heavy and you’re trying to built up a world that you’ve put a lot of thought into. however, a huge part of d&d is the spontaneity. 

it’s kind of why i think balance was so popular. while there was railroading towards the end, there was the presence of improv that made it all good. most mcelroy content is enjoyed because of the goofs. the magic brian moment is memorable. the jenkin’s fight still stands out because it was funny (albeit a result of some bad rolls). the boys teasing angus sticks out because the four would play well off of each other. even without that - griffin had talked about how he had to roll with things (the fact he had planned for a fight atop the train, but ditched the idea for what his family members came up with instead). even in amnesty, a couple moments that stick out to me still are ned with the jetpack taking out a pizza hut sign, and the scene with the water where jake was trapped inside. they aren’t as fun, but they still stand out as “things i didnt expect to really end the way they did.”

with grad, it’s just. one after another. the thundermen want to subpoena a xorn? cool, let’s run with that until actually the xorn gets fed rocks and goes home and who cares about the subpoena now. fitzroy wants to keep his cloak? lets talk about it for a while and you also get no rolls to even try to keep it. fitzroy goes to meet higglemas in his office? oh, why are you here fitzroy? im going to keep asking you until you answer fitzroy? you arent getting out of this scene until you answer me, fitzroy, so just tell me why you’re here already, alright, fitzroy? 

and even later in a episode i read a transcript of: hey argo, remember how you have this whole secret motivation? fuck you, im gonna talk about it here in your dream and reveal it to listeners and remove any tension you had building up, and you dont get a choice to talk about it because this all-knowing villain knows all about it :)

and even NOW in the latest episode, there’s a comment that “we should cap argo’s skills here” instead of just... making the checks higher. rogues are good at certain things and usually arent the best in battles. better hope argo never makes it to level 11, because who knows how people are gonna handle the fact that he gets a skill that’ll make it so certain skills can’t have a roll below 10 (reliable talent). 

(griffin, thankfully, calls travis out for that, but still - travis, why would you even imply that, considering you should be aware of how rogues work considering magnus multiclassed into rogue and you played one on tiny heist?)

and in the newest episode, their Big Bad chaos (which, god, i personally hate that name) straight-out says “dont do this” to the thundermen. travis tries to say, on twitter, “a character saying “dont do this” is different than me saying it” but i need to point out that it’s one thing if you’ve said “no” in character but worked with the PCs doing otherwise, but the railroading says differently.

the shipping

ill try to make this quick, because it’s nothing to do with the fandom (ship however you want, man) - but i really feel the need to draw attention to this.

fitzroy, as confirmed by griffin in a ttazz episode, is asexual. not aroace, but ace nonetheless. and i find it... troublesome that the idea of rainer and fitzroy having a relationship is still pushed nonetheless, despite the fact that fitzroy (to my knowledge) was never once shown to reciprocate any feelings. not to be that person, but i really hope that grad doesnt have any sort of romantic relationships in it (at least - not between NPCs and PCs unless they’re actually like... warranted?). 

i dont know, man. one of my closest friends is ace, and i know she wants a relationship, but i think it would reassure her a lot to see an ace character who isn’t pushed into one in case she ever changes her mind. someone once mentioned that they hope fi/tz/ra/in doesnt happen because theres relationships that have that “oh, you can just date” and it goes upwards there to “oh, you can have sex just to please them <3″  (which, to be honest, is kind of a gross mindset - if someone isnt interested, they arent interested).

also, uh, the TTAZZ where griffin states this, there’s kind of the mention tht the whole sexuality question was posed in relation to the episode “creative thinking” (the dream one i mentioned earlier) - which. uh. i don’t know if anyone caught this, but... rainer straight-up wrote fitzroy a letter in the dream like “are you going to accept my proposal? a girl doesn’t like to be left waiting” which. leaves me with some gross feelings because uh.

if... if the whole thing about fitzroys sexual orientation was addressed here, then why would you push your ship anyway? feels kinda iffy, man.

to which i want to say: fitzroy can date. he’s allowed to date. griffins allowed to do whatever he wants with his character. but when a lot of the flirting is met with nothing, i’m not gonna see the chemistry there. just because travis ships it doesn’t mean it’s canon.

the npcs

ah yes. lets talk about the npcs.

there’s... a lot. a lot a lot. i think travis trimmed down how many were present in a scene, but uh. there’s still a lot. and... uh... i kinda wish there wasn’t?

look, i know im going back to balance/amnesty, but just. hang in there for a moment. chill with me. vibe. 

balance didnt have too many NPCs present at all times in each mini-arc. gerblins had some big names like barry, klarg, gundren, killian, yeemick, and magic brian. rockport limited had angus, jess, graham the juicy wizard jenkins, and all of the tom bodetts mentioned. 

amnestys first arc had mama, barclay, jake, dani, pigeon, kirby, minerva, and that was about it for like. big names? and not all of them were present in each scene. 

in the first episode of grad alone: gary, hernandez, jimson, rolandus, zana, rhodes, buckminster eden, rainer, leon, tomas, hieronymous, higglemas, stuart, jackle, bartholomeus, mulligan, groundsy, germaine/victoria/rattles (the skeleton crew). and those are the ones i wrote down (minus groundsy, who i just. ignores. idk him).

like holy shit, my english prof got onto me for having too many characters in my first chapter and i didnt even have half the amount listed there! 

it’s just a huge cast. does this take place in a school? yes! theres bound to be a lot of students present - but you don’t have to name every single one of them, at least not in the first episode!

the miscellaneous

i don’t know if travis ever actually addressed it, but wheelchair users have actually like... said that rainer’s introduction bothered them, because she was like “please ask me abt my wheelchair :)” when travis saying she was in an ornate chair would have sufficed. 

uh. the colonization vibes people have discussed within the centaur arc. mentioned here, the replies here, and this post (and its replies) here as well.

the overall lack of d&d when the campaign was kind of advertised as a return to d&d if i remember correctly

also no one seems to be taking literally any criticism at all which like. ignoring the petty shit, sure, but people have stopped donating to taz and their listener-ship must have dropped some during this entire time - you’d think that maybe someone could say “we need to find out why people dont like the thing and fix the thing” consider this is. yknow. their livelihood.

anyway uhhh 

tl;dr: travis railroads way too much (even now), the shipping in-game has become pushy and gross (especially bc its shoving a relationship onto an asexual character), theres too many npcs that dont stand out well enough, and no ones taking any criticism about the major issues with grad. 

#taz grad hate #taz graduation hate #Anonymous #ok im gonna go to sleep now goodnight #maybe ill wake up to hate tbh that'll be wild

[oofluc]

⌠ AXEL AURIANT, 20, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, LUC MONTAGNIER! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in AWARENESS TRAINING, BREATH CONTROL, HAND TO HAND COMBAT + KNIFE FIGHTING SKILLS, SWORD TRAINING, PRECISION SHOOTING, FIREARMS & SWAT TRAINING; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( dried blood on busted knuckles, forced smiles and sweat drenched after training ). when it’s the (virgo)’s birthday on 09/17/1999, they always request their SEARED SCALLOPS from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ ooc mochi, 23, she/her, gmt ⍀  

slight warning to those who saw i originally planned him to be an anxious soft boi … i was wrong also there is a suicide mention & some subtle child abuse maybe... plus it’s kind of long ? and an incoherent mess but whatever !! plotting is welcome either on tumblr or on discord which you can find me at mochi#7066 !! his pinterest is here yes i went overboard with sections esp bc im gonna add more hdjf !! stats here and a full connection page here with most stuff i have so far ! @gallagherintro​

PARALLELS

fred jones | scooby doo

stefan salvatore | the vampire diaries

hatsuharu sohma | fruits basket

noatak | avatar: the legend of korra

FAMILY

phillipe montagnier | 54

ameline montagnier | 46

marc montagnier | ✝

luc montagnier | 20

charles montagnier | 18

elias montagnier | 18

HISTORY

the montagnier family was originally located in the south of france until luc’s grandfather moved them to quebec. their empire was in manufacturing all kinds of weaponry and selling them to governments and other spy families and organisations. if you needed something a bit obscure or unique, this was the family you'd come to.

luc grew up in a fairly isolated countryside area in a family of four brothers who he loved for the first few years of his life. first was marc, shy and respectful, luc himself two years behind, and then another two years graced the family with twins; charles and elias who lived by their own rules. marc and luc had always been close, marc was the best big brother possible and luc loved him a lot.

eventually after being pitted and forced to compete against each other for so long, it got quite personal and their bonds started being tested. their mother turned a blind eye to their father's borderline abusive methods when luc overtook his older brother in their father’s tests and training. bruises and broken bones were only natural in training so there wasn't much she could say even if she wanted to.

from as long as he could remember, he'd been firing guns. there was a shooting range on their estate and they went on hunting trips, too. his dad often had him show customers the potential of their weaponry and so he'd always been thrusted into that life whether he wanted a say or not. it’s been clear since he was around fourteen that if anyone was taking over the family business it'd be him, not his older brother, marc.

this definitely caused somewhat of a rift between him and marc, as he'd end up getting much harsher punishments when luc would disarm or ground him.

luckily for luc, he did enjoy fighting and was exceptionally gifted in the life planned out for him. he was always the most determined to gain their father's approval, which definitely showed in their results and how obedient he was in front of the man. when he finally got what he wanted, he didn't quite expect it to mean what it did. it was rare but every now and then he would kill for his dad. whether it was someone who betrayed the family or a potential threat to their business, if his dad told him to, he would, no questions asked. it was during this time he was more excluded from training with his brothers since he would be with his dad instead.

SUICIDE TW !!!!!!

his oldest brother marc was sent to blackthorne once he was eighteen and ended up committing suicide at the end of his second year, with luc set to follow the next year. this news was shocking for the montagnier family as luc's father was bitterly embarrassed and disappointed by his firstborns' death, wanting to cover it up as a murder so it couldn't be tied to the family name with such dishonour. it quickly created a divide as charles and elias defended marc's actions and revealed he'd been struggling with depression for the majority of his life, much like they did, which was all unknown to luc, who, for the first time, felt the repercussions of his father's favouritism. he had a new found rebellion against him that was violent with them going at each other's throats for the foreseeable future. luc ended up avoiding his place at blackthorne in hopes to piss off his dad and becoming more reclusive and bitter as time went on.

he really took his brother's death personally, believing he was a factor in it and wishing he'd been there for him more closely. if anyone so much as mentions marc to him he will be on guard and very easily angered. i think before marc died he was very charismatic, egotistical at times and driven whereas now he’s lost a lot of his energy and is more negative & aloof.

the following year was Rough™. he was no longer his dad's golden boy and the family dynamic shifted a lot with marc's death as luc ended up protecting his younger twin brothers instead of beating them for their dad's favour. he's certain he'd have been disowned had his mother not aligned herself with the kids as well.

i think their family dynamic is kinda like the cha family from sky castle if anyone has seen it !

luc eventually decided to enrol in school late, only to end up at gallagher instead. which... i mean, i think before marc died he was excited about attending blackthorne. so he’s bit ??? uncertain about the girls school.

PERSONALITY

genuinely i think it comes down to so many factors, whether he’s in a good mood, who’s speaking to him etc but neutrally he’s quite charming, happy to mess about a bit but more or less takes most stuff too seriously. since he’s not around his dad i do think he will explore a lot more and seek out adventure and fun but if he’s got a test or something due the next day then he’ll bail early since he is defo the type to never let his grades or performance be ruined

he’s quite cocky + likes to win no matter what so yes he will ruin a friendship to beat u at monopoly. second place is last place in his head.

at his best he can be confident, alluring, courteous, loyal… at his worst he's aggressive, destructive, apathetic and always says shit he doesn't mean !!!! will he apologize ?? unlikely but he'll try n make it right once he’s calmed down

thinks the best way to deal with things is with his fists, he’s so EASY to snap and start a fight n he’ll.... maybe apologise for it

i think he defo likes to pretend he’s got no problems and so reverts to a social, supportive friend every once in a while. the type to be brutally honest !!

he’s a definite know it all, thinks he’s the dog’s bollocks, gods gift etc !!!!! doesn’t believe in god but still. I kinda see him a bit jocky idk why but more brooding n isolating 70% of the time bc he’s easily pissed off but when he’s having fUNNNNN he’s ok like a solid guy at times just easily angered

very flirty, he's a major ladies man despite actually being GAY. which is a secret. sh. only two people know he’s gay and that’s his current beard girlfriend ellie cavanagh and childhood friend regine ren. more ppl can defo find out in time and i’m sure ppl have speculations ? maybe have seen him hooking up with guys or something when he thought no one was looking etc probs think he’s bi who knows!!! but for now those two are the only people he’s actually spoken to about it!!!! so if anyone else tries he will deny it as he’s very against the idea of coming out so will not discuss it ty pls.

and it’s not that he doesn’t enjoy sleeping with girls, he’ll be having a great time regardless but he just aint abt to love them like that pls understand

still, he is in a current relationship with ellie who is acting as his beard for him. they have ‘ dated ’ before and are off and on a lot, so they probably seem pretty toxic tbh since ellie n him can clash n argue and he defo still hooks up with other girls despite being in a relationship so feel free to kill him for cheating !

wanted connections !!!

going off the last point, maybe some of ellie’s friends who come at him for how he seemingly treats her !!!

i'd love for blackthorne ppl to have known his brother, he'd have been around about 22/23 and a fourth year now if he was still alive so ?? it might help luc with some closure if he could talk about him since it happened at blackthorne

ppl to know the family, some family friends would be amazing !!! i feel regardless of alliances etc their family would have stayed as neutral as possible since they're selling weapons so they want all the customers.

so people that know HIM while he was growing up would be interesting esp those expecting him to have joined blackthorne when he was supposed to 2 years ago, and obvs him probably changing from who they knew him as to a more negative version now

might put a wc for his twin bros as they potentially joined his arrival at gallagher as first years too but who knows. they’d be 18 so if anyone wants a family friend connection that is around that age, maybe they were closer to the twins than luc ??

he sleeps with a lot of girls to kinda ‘make sure’ no one knows he’s gay as he defo doesn't feel comfortable with being out. the guys that he sleeps with he'll always pin it on being too drunk to remember or he'll threaten them if they told etc ?? he's very on edge about it and would only hook up super secretly sooo if anyone’s down for that with him

and then obvs need a lot of ladies he’d wanna sleep with to keep his image

previous ex gfs ?? from prep schools !!!!!!!

some positive influences would be good

bad influences as well bc tho he is a bit of a party guy, he doesn’t drink loads and he doesn’t do drugs !!!!!!!!!!!!!! but…. I mean i bet he could be convinced now he’s away from home so

study / sparring buddies !!

i’d love someone to teach him pop culture n normality !! his childhood was training and competing with his bros so he defo doesn’t watch many movies or tv or play games etc so ? someone making him watch all the harry potters ?? binging parks and rec ?? he’d find it so dumb but who wouldnt enjoy it ??

#gallagher:intro #i know a lot of u have seen this bc i cant keep secrets but whatever #genuinely think this is my longest intro ever

[nostallgias]

        ☆ . * (  kristine  froseth,  cis  female,  she  /  her  )  hey,  look  !!   indigo  ‘indie’  dahl  aka  @nostalgias  is  online  and  ready  to  write  another  anonymous  post  on  the  broken  hearts  club.  rumor  has  it  they’re  here  because  she  ran  away  from  her  hometown  to  escape  her  family  and  ex  lover.  out  in  the  real  world  she  is  a  musician  /  bartender.  the  22  year  old  is  known  for  being  flighty  &  impetuous  but  make  up  for  it  by  being  vivacious  &  determined.  if  they  were  to  describe  themselves  they’d  say  they’re  chipped  nail  polish,  lipstick  stains  on  cigarettes,  driving  with  the  window  down  and  their  favorite  song  is  gold  dust  woman  by  fleetwood  mac.

        hello  everyone,  i’m  so  happy  2  b  in  this  rp   !!!   my  name  is  diana,  i’m  twenty  yrs  old,  a  libra,  and  reside  in  the  est  timezone.  some  quick  facts  abt  me  ...  i  am  a  girl  group  stan  and  lana  del  rey  enthusiast.  i  also  luv  cats.  anyway,  enough  abt  me,  u  can  learn  abt  my  muse  indigo  under  the  cut   !!!   my  discord  is   missing blackpink hours#5522  so  pls  hit  me  up  there  or  in  the  im’s  for  plots   !!   i  cannot  wait  to  get  started  <3   tw:  briefly  mentions  alcoholism  &  drugs

☆ . *   𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔    !

full  name :  indigo  dahl

nickname(s)  :  indie

zodiac  :  sagittarius  sun,  gemini  moon   (  click  )

sexuality  :  bisexual

alignment  :  chaotic  good

pinterest  :  click

☆ . *   𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅    !

indie  grew  up  in  a  small  town  where  everyone  knows  everyone.  she  was  restless  and  curious,  but  there  wasn’t  much  to  do  in  a  town  that  small

her  parents  were  really  big  on  music,  so  there  was  always  something  playing  in  the  household.  it’s  safe  to  say  music  took  over  her  life.  she  started  to  learn  guitar,  then  later  bass

but  sadly  her  dad  left  them  when  she  was  still  young.  she  wanted  him  to  take  her  with  him,  so  she  could  finally  get  out  of  that  stupid  town,  but  he  left  her  with  her  mother  and  never  looked  back  :/

indie  and  her  mom  didn’t  get  along  too  well.  she  basically  planned  indie’s  entire  life  out,  down  to  who  she  should  marry.  after  her  father  left  them,  her  mom  wasn’t  rly  able  to  cope  with  it  too  well  and  she  kinda  turned  to  drinking,  and  the  music  that  was  always  playing  stopped  :(

indie  spent  her  middle  and  high  school  years  taking  care  of  her  mom,  who  was  too  drunk  to  function  at  all  times.  she  couldn’t  keep  a  job,  which,  was  fine  at  first  because  indie’s  grandparents  (  her  mother’s  parents  )  were  fairly  well  off,  and  they  could  live  off  of  them

that  was  until  her  grandparent’s  cut  them  off  after  finally noticing  their  daughter  was  an  alcoholic.  so,  they  were  pretty  much  left  with  no  source  of  income

indie  started  working  as  soon  as  she  was  old  enough.  she  worked  two  jobs  in  high school,  which  didn’t  leave  her  much  time  to  focus  on  school.  she  never  cared  for  school  anyway,  her  focus  was  always  music,  but  she  didn’t  even  have  much  time  for  that  anymore

her  mother  seemed  to  have  a  new  boyfriend  every  week,  men  who  always  acted  like  they  were  here  to  say.  all  of  them  tried  to  control  indie,  but  she  resented  every  single  one  of  them.  she  could  see through  the  lies

she  spent  most  of  her  time  away  from  home,  she  didn’t  even  like  sleeping  there.  it  didn’t  feel  like  home  anymore,  and  it  hadn’t  for  a  long  time

one  day,  one  of  her  mother’s  boyfriends  actually  stuck  around.  indie  just  kept  waiting  and  waiting  for  the  day  he’d  leave,  but  he  never  did.  her  mother  remarried

after  remarrying,  her  mother  kinda  got  her  life  back  on  track  again.  she  immediately  went  back  to  trying  to  control  indie  again.  indie  absolutely  hated  it,  but  she  was  happy  to  see  her  mother  in  a  good  place  again,  so  she  tried  to  fit  the  mold  

indie  barely  graduated  high  school  and  never  went  to  college.  she  continued  working  for  the  next  few  years,  saving  up  money  and  working  on  music

she  started  dating  the  guy  her  mother  chose  for  her.  it  was  okay  at  first,  but  the  spark  was  always  missing.  the  longer  she  was  with  him  though,  she  began  to  realize  that  he  wanted  to  stay  in  that  stupid  little  town  forever,  and  the  idea  of  spending  the  rest  of  her  life  there  terrified  her  so  much  she  decided  to  runaway

so,  she  packed  all  her  things  and  ran  away  in  the  middle  of  the  night.  she  drove  through  the  night  to  find  her  father,  but  when  she  found  him,  she  learned  he  had  remarried  and  started  a  new  family

deep  down,  she  always  knew  he  didn’t  want  her,  otherwise  he  would’ve  made  an  effort  over  the  years.  but  she  really  had  to  see  it  to  believe  it

and  that’s  how  she  found  her  way  to  chicago.  she  never  told  her  mother  where  she  went,  but  she  knew  she  was  looking  for  her  and  so  was  her  ex

her  grandparent’s  send  her  money  every  once  in  a  while,  and  although  they  aren’t  close,  they  understand  why  she  ran  away  and  want  her  to  have  the  chance  to  start  fresh

she  stumbled  across  the  forum  one  day  and  decided  to  join  it,  because  she  was  starting  to  feel  a  little  lost  and  it  has  helped  her  a  lot

☆ . *   𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚    !

indie  is  extremely  extroverted.  she  is  a  social  butterfly  and  will  befriend  literally  anyone.  the  tricky  part  is  getting  close  to  her,  though.  she  tends  to  keep  her  emotions  to  herself.  she  presents  a  version  of  herself  to  the  world,  one  who  is  always  happy  and  alive  because  she  thinks  that’s  the  only  version  of  her  that  people  will  like

she  has  such  a  curious  soul  !!  all  she  wants  to  do  is  explore  and  experience  new  things,  so  she’s  always  down  for  an  adventure.  she  loves  a  good  party  because  she  loves  to  be  around  people.  she’s  a  social  drinker  and  drug  user  (  except  for  weed,  which  she  smokes  a  lot  )

indie  doesn’t  have  any  idea  about  what  love  is,  but  she  knows  she  wants  it.  she  wants  a  great,  interesting,  devoted  love,  but  is  having  trouble  finding  it.  so  she  tends  to  have  a  lot  of  lovers,  but  they  mostly  end  up  being  casual.  she  gets  bored  easily,  so  if  it  isn’t  exciting  at  all  times,  she  kinda  dips  akjsdhsdjhk  it’s  her  fear  of  abandonment  

she  is  obsessed  with  the  70′s,  from  the  music  to  the  aesthetics.  stevie  nicks  is  her  inspiration.  she  loves  music  of  all  eras,  though.  she  loves  thrifting,  and  her  style  is  heavily  influenced  by  70′s  fashion

she  can  be  pretty  spontaneous,  but  also  reckless.  she  wants  everything  in  life  to  be  an  adventure,  so  it  has  gotten  her  into  trouble  in  the  past

hates  authority  figures,  literally  she  has  so  much  trouble  with  respecting  authority  now  because  she  feels  like  she  wasted  her  entire  life  doing  that  for  people  who  didn’t  respect  her

has  a  hard  time  taking  things  seriously,  except  for  music  because  that  is  her  entire  life

☆ . *   𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅  𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔    !

party  buddies  -  they  always  go  to  parties  together.  maybe  they  don’t  see  each  other  outside  of  parties,  maybe  they  met  at  a  party  and  became  close  friends  afterwards

drinking  /  smoking  buddies  -  someone  she  can  drink  or  smoke  with.  maybe  they  have  a  more  casual  friendship,  but  anytime  they  hang  out,  they  share  some  interesting  conversations

confidant  - someone  who  confides  in  her  or  someone  she  confides  in,  or  they  confide  in  each  other.  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  the  closest  friends  ever,  but  they  get  along,  trust  each  other,  and  maybe  they  talk  more  in  private

frenemies  - they’re  friends,  but  maybe  they’re  always  trying  to  one  up  each  other.  they  might  gossip  behind  each  other’s  backs.  sometimes  they  get  along  perfectly  well,  but  maybe  sometimes  they  get  into  stupid  fights

protective  friends  - friends  who  feel  extremely  protective  over  one  another.  indie  will  literally  fight  anyone  who  hurts  them

sibling-like  friendship  - indie  is  an  only  child,  so  i  would  love  for  her  to  have  someone  she  sees  like  a  sibling.  they’re  there  for  each  other,  look  out  for  one  another  and  always  have  each  other’s  backs

dynamic  duo  /  best  friend  - ride  or  dies.  platonic  soulmates   !! this  person  is  probably  the  closest  friend  she  has  and  actually  knows  her  well  !   a  power  duo

partner  in  crime  -  someone  who  always  goes   along  with  her  antics.  someone  who  she  bounces  off  of  and  they  do  dumb  /  fun  shit  together   !!!   her  adventure  buddy

online  friends  -  her  favorite  person  on  the  forum.  she  is  always  interacting  with  them  and  is  literally  always  the  first  to  comment  on  their  posts  or  something.  maybe  they  confide  in  each  other

bandmates  -  if  your  muse  sings,  plays  guitar,  bass,  drums  or  keyboard,  they  can  be  in  a  band !!!  indie  plays  guitar,  bass,  and  also  sings  so  she  can  do whichever  of  these  is  needed  !!  she  also  likes  to  compose  music,  but  with  bandmates  they  will  collaborate  and  make  stuff  together  of  course

groupie  love  -  i  didn’t  know  what  to  call  this  plot  so  pls  ignore  the  name,  i  went  for  a  lana  del  rey  song  title aksdhsdjkh  but  basically  maybe  ur  muse  was  there  at  one  of  the  little  gigs  she  played  and  they  became  acquainted  after  that  !!!  this  can  be  romantic  or  platonic,  we  can  plot  it  however.  but  maybe  they  keep  going  to  her  shows  and  she’s  always  happy  to  see  them

flirtationship  - they  flirt  constantly,  but  nothing  serious  has  come  out  of  their  flirting.  maybe  they  have  good  chemistry,  but  haven’t  really  tried  to  explore  it  further

ex-fling  - maybe  they  ended  things  more  recently,  or  maybe  they  ended  things a  few  months  or  a  year  ago.  they  could  have  ended  on  good  or  bad  terms.  maybe  someone  or  both  of  them  still  have  feelings,  or  maybe  they’re  just  friends  or  don’t  talk  now

current fling  /  friends  w  benefits  - someone  she  is  currently  seeing.  could  be  no  strings  attached,  or  there  could  b  some  feelings  there.  maybe  they  don’t  want  to  make  it  anything  serious,  or  maybe  they’re  ready  to  take  it  to  the  next  level.  maybe  one  person  is  ready  to  go  further,  and  the  other  isn’t

requited  /  unrequited  crush  - maybe  she  has  a  crush  on  ur  muse,  whether  it’s  a  deep  crush  or  a  more  surface  level  crush.  OR  ur  muse  could  have  a  crush  on  her  and  maybe  she’s  oblivious  to  it  !!!   maybe  our  muses  have  crushes  on  each  other   !!!  maybe  it  isn’t  super  serious,  or  maybe  it  is

will  they,  won’t  they  - there’s  feelings  between  them,  but  they  haven’t  made  the  plunge  to  pursue  whatever  they  have.  longing,  yearning,  lingering  glances

take  care  -  someone  who  looks  after  her  when  she  parties  a  little  too  hard   !!!   someone  she  trusts  who  keeps  her  out  of  trouble  when  she’s  under  the  influence  and  feeling  too  reckless  for  her  own  good

enemies  w/  benefits  -  there  was  always  underlying  tension  between  them,  even though  they  couldn’t  really  stand  each  other.  maybe  they  hooked  up  at  a  party  and  now,  despite  their  personal  feelings  towards  each  other,  they  still  continue  to  hook  up

cyber  sex  -  once  again,  i  didnt  kno  what  to  title  this  so  i  went  for  a  doja  cat  song AJKSDSJKH  but  basically  someone  on  the  forum  she  has  a  crush  on.  i  think  it’s  funny  because  she  has  noooo  idea  who  they  are  irl  but  maybe  they connect  super  well  online

ex-friends  - someone  she  used  to  consider  a  best  /  close  friend,  but  they  had  a  falling  out  for  whatever  reason  n  maybe  they  strongly  dislike  each  other  now.  maybe  they  want  to  re-kindle  their  friendship  but  don’t  know  how

dealer  -  someone  she  buys  drugs  from,  they  could  be  friends  or  it’s  strictly  business

bad  influence  -  someone  indie  is  a  bad  influence  on.  she  maybe  influences  them  to  party,  drink  or  do  drugs,  or  do  stupid  reckless  things  with  her

good  influence  -  someone  that  is  a  good  influence  on  her  and  gets  her  to  keep  her  act  together.  she  has  trouble  caring  about  anything  that  isn’t  music  related,  so  this  person  can  keep  her  on  track

roommates  -  one  to  two  people  that  she  lives  with  !!!  they  can  get  along,  or  maybe  they  don’t  vibe  super  well.  but  if  they  do  get  along  they  can  do  cute  stuff like  bake  and  watch  movies  together

coworkers  -  indie  is  a  bartender,  so  she  can  work  at  the  bar  or  restaurant  that  your  muse  works  at

meet  me  at  the  bar  -  someone  who  frequents  her  job  a  lot.  maybe  they’re  her  favorite  customer  and  she  loves  whenever  they  come.  we  can  plot  this  out  however !!!

congratulations  !!!  you  have  finally  reached  the  end  of  my  unnecessarily  long  intro  aksdjhsdjhk  i  would  like  to  thank  u  for  reading  and  apologize  for  all  the  rambling  i  did  <3  anyway  i  would  luv  to  plot,  so  i’ll  send  message  u  asap  if  u  like  this  post   !!!  we  can  definitely  plot  over  im’s,  but  i  am  partial  to  discord  if  u  wanna  add  me  there:    missing blackpink hours#5522

#hearts:intro #☆ . * 𝒈𝒐 𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 ╱ ooc. #this kinda got long.....i'm so sorry i rly do not deserve rights #pls plot with me anyway <3

[kasplode]

okay enough abt bkg.... deku next >:)

:,,) ok time to hurt my other baby boy ! (btw the OG tweet said ‘MAXIMUM potential anguish’ so. im so fucking sorry for number 2.)

TRIGGER WARNINGS IN TAGS.

1. PH!bkdk from my previous Pain Post. except lets take it a step back. bkdk are planning their futures together. they wanna be a duo. they’re gonna kick ass. they wanna work with their classmates, maybe open up their own agency? deku’s so excited, but the pressure of all might’s legacy weighs on him more and more by the day. he tells no one, but oh, it keeps him up at night. his performance as a hero, his professional appearances, his fucking private life-it’s all going to be scrutinised. hell, most of the class have been in contact with PR people since second year. but regardless of all the complicated bs, what bkdk really wanna do is make all might proud. they’re together, and their families and classmates know- there were varied responses, but it’s fine. they’re fine. but soon, kacchan starts talking about the future of their relationship. deku tries to avoid the conversation. kacchan gets upset at him for it, calls him a coward, and they argue. a lot. eventually deku cracks and tells katsuki their relationship needs to be kept hidden from the public. after weeks of arguing, katsuki snaps no, he won’t accept that. izuku sobs as he gives katsuki an ultimatum: keep their relationship secret, or they can’t stay together. they almost break up under the pressure of it all, but ultimately, kacchan agrees to keep it a secret. (it’s a shame that in the years to come, their relationship would end and be outed.)

2. kacchan is kidnapped. again. izuku fails to save him. again. but this time, there is no coordinated attack, there is no known motive, there is no rhyme or reason or suspects or any clue to where his kacchan is. weeks pass. clues are investigated (tirelessly, by izuku, who is a pro and you have no fucking right to keep me out of the office, i’ve earnt my place here, i need to keep working-!) but every thread to katsuki has been mercilessly cut. izuku doesn’t waste away, because kacchan needs him, but he doesn’t live in the time he spends searching. weeks, then months. years.izuku doesn’t let his hope (desperation need terror loneliness agony) die. and then, one day, kacchan turns up. izuku breaks who-knows how many laws getting to the hospital kacchan ended up in, getting there in record time. hope flares in his heart, bright and genuine, for the first time in years. he is met with a barely-alive, emaciated body. comatose. it’s months more before kacchan wakes up. his memory is spotty, but he knows who izuku is. he can get better.it takes only days for kacchan to make his attempt. it wouldn’t have been successful, but he was already in such a bad shape... and izuku fucking shatters. 

(I HATE MYSELF AND MY BRAIN IT KEPT GOING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF MISERY. FUCK. ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I AM HURTING MY BABY BOY?)

3. izuku is kind of old, for a pro. not all-m old, but pretty old. (active pros don’t usually last that long, after all) after his successor has graduated from school, izuku teaches, continuing to do as much PH work as he’s physically able to. OFA is dwindling, his time is running out.. but he still has more people to save. it’s all well and good, until villains destroy UA. Izuku & his students fight. some students escape, even. but Izuku was injured in the initial explosions, and he’s old, and OFA- gives out. he fights on, weak and in agony, as the children, his children, are hurt around him, falling one by one.

his last thoughts: i wonder if i’ll see my classmates again. i hope my successor will be ok. i wonder if ill ever be forgiven for this. im sorry.

(do u see these getting shorter now. do u SEE)

4. inko gets sick. izuku spends every second outside of class with her. she gets worse. he starts skipping class, too. (even though he mostly spends his time sat by her bedside, watching her ever-thinner form sleep) worse, still, and they don’t know whether or not she’ll die, but it could happen. izuku all but moves in to the hospital. he gets in trouble (not trouble, they just want to help, but their ‘help’ would take him away from his mother-) but he refuses to leave her side. he’s alone, most of the time. he spends days, weeks, months in the company of his mother’s shallow breathing and the beeps of the machines that keep her alive. everyone’s worried. he still won’t leave, won’t talk. once he misses enough school, they tell him he’s at risk of failing the year; he has to go back. izu doesnt know what to do

5. listen this shit is legit takin a toll lmaooo XD  im too emotionally invested in my boys so short final one: deku, quite unintentionally, loses his quirk. loses his spot at UA. loses his dreams, his future, his closeness with his class. they can’t help but move on without him, ykno? he feels fucking terrible. sinks into depression. and lives his life, quirkless once more, except now, he knows exactly what life he has lost.

#bnha #midoriya izuku #cw character death #cw outing #cw break up #cw kidnapping #implied/referenced torture #cw suicide #cw illness #cw hospital #angst #anonymous #ask meme #answered #ask to tag

[sleepingfancies]

please go off abt detective loki,,, im curious to hear what u have to say abt him!!! 💖

*SLAMS CHAIR DOWN*

SO. YOU WANT ME TO GO OFF ABOUT LOKI.

Praying for you that this read more link works bc otherwise this is gonna be a Cursed Post to all my poor followers. Shit gets long. I have A Lot to say akdjfshfk

Thanks to the investigative skills of the amazing and wonderful @deputyrook (ily), I recently learned that Detective Loki’s backstory included such things as: serving time in juvie, he was formerly religious, and he also possibly suffered from some kind of drug addiction he’s now clean from. It was briefly mentioned in the movie that he spent 6 years in a boys’ home (a rather rough one, by the way Loki talked about it). Boys’ homes are, by definition, “residential sectors where boys are provided food and care when they cannot be adequately cared for by their families, either due to a family crises or the child’s own behavioral issues.”

What this tells me is that:

A) Loki most likely had some heavy childhood trauma that drove him into being a “bad kid” (not that such a thing actually exists, imo, but that’s another essay for another day). It probably took well over a decade to get himself stabilized.

B ) Loki of present day has no family, no personal connections, no friends, absolutely nothing to call his own except the clothes on his back, his car, and... maybe a place to live? I assume he has one somewhere, but we never see him there - he’s constantly either prowling around town or at the station.

C) Loki’s occult tattoos, and his general distaste for anything religious, probably come from an internal place of feeling like some higher power abandoned him along the way. I have no doubt he carefully selected each one to have some personal meaning, but ultimately they all tie back to distancing himself from Christianity (double that if he was religious as a child, or came from a religious family). This also makes me wonder if his last name was something else, and that he changed it to “Loki” upon getting himself back on his feet.

D) Heading off of the boys’ home note; boys’ homes, like most other institutions in the US, legally can’t force residents to stay once they turn 18. Assuming his time there ended at 6 years because he aged out and went off on his own, well, for one that means he was admitted when he was 12 years old. Which is... wow. For two, that means his behavior was never necessarily resolved. Which, given how Jake plays Loki, I’m inclined to believe (I’ll touch on that later).

All of this leads me to some interesting observations during the movie.

For one, Loki is amazing at staying the “adult in the room” in the face of belligerence (e.g. Keller Dover losing his shit in Loki’s car). I know personally, it is almost physically impossible for me not to get my back up when someone else decides they want to take some aggressive tone with me - and I am about as far as one can get from a “troubled kid.” So I have to wonder how many years and how much abuse Loki endured to be able to choose not to respond to people antagonizing him? I have a hard time believing it was just police training that got him to this place of neutrality. And it seems to me like he’s making a genuine effort to stay calm, and to calm the people around him (”please just let me do my job”).

Which leads me into something Mrs. Dover said. “They say you’ve solved every case you’ve ever had, is that true?” And to be fair, I assume Loki’s silence there is supposed to imply that that isn’t true, but it implies so much beyond that. It implies he puts 100% effort into his cases, that he barely sleeps when he knows there’s a chance he can put dangerous people behind bars and save innocent lives. It also implies he feels deeply about the cases he hasn’t solved, or the ones where he got the perpetrator put away but the victims didn’t make it out alive. He carries that with him, constantly.

We see more of this when Keller recognizes his daughter’s bloody sock. His immediate response is to blame Loki. “This is your fault. You didn’t try hard enough. You did this to my daughter.” And Loki says nothing, he doesn’t make any different expression - but his eyes twitch. Jake Gyllenhaal remarked that this was a physical tic he improvised for Loki, one that served as Loki’s channel for intense emotions and/or becoming overstimulated with thoughts and information. Rather than actually emote, his eyes twitch. There is nothing newly informative or particularly overstimulating about the bloody sock scene, which leaves only intense emotion to be the cause of that twitch. And given Loki’s panic when he was searching Bob’s house and boxes for Anna and Joy, I doubt it’s anger. I’m willing to bet it’s that Loki already feels that way. He’s blaming himself. Keller just spoke Loki’s own feelings into existence.

I’ll circle back to that in a minute, because I think Loki making his cases so personal is very telling of his character.

Now, to go back and touch on why I think it’s most likely Loki aged out of the boys’ home rather than graduated - Loki has adapted with his behavior, he hasn’t resolved it at all. It does not seem to me at all like Loki has therapeutic strategies, especially considering I’m 99% sure any therapist or behavior counselor would not encourage bottling up your emotions and disconnecting yourself from human contact. Loki made these steps on his own. He learned to redirect his anger to people who deserved it by becoming part of law enforcement. He decided that he was safer closed off and unavailable to intense emotions. He might’ve even decided other people were safer stuck on the other side of his walls.

There are a whole of two times Loki clearly loses his temper - when Bob keeps drawing mazes rather than giving him a straight answer, and when Bob kills himself and Loki realizes he just lost his best lead. While these are both reasonable things to get worked up about, he reacts so intensely and so personally to them that (circling back to my earlier point) it tells me, deep down, there is an incredibly soft and vulnerable heart in there that’s been locked up for decades.

Loki didn’t want Bob to kill himself. He didn’t mean for things to escalate that far. You can hear it in his voice, he’s genuinely shaken and upset by what just happened. In the following scene when he basically destroys his desk, that is directed at no one and nothing but himself. He’s so angry at himself - for not understanding Bob’s maze, for getting Bob killed, for having to tell the Dovers their one suspect is gone, for feeling helpless when it comes to finding the girls. Loki doesn’t deal well with other people’s failure, but he doesn’t even accept his own.

And I mean - do I even need to mention when he finds Anna? The man is bleeding profusely from a bullet wound in his head, he’s half unconscious, he’s a long way from the hospital, but he doesn’t even think about any of that. He makes it his one singular goal to get her to the emergency room even if he dies trying. And the way he talked to her? “Stay with me Anna, don’t die, just hold on.” I know on the surface it’s obviously just a tactic to keep her (and himself, let’s be honest) awake. But it was so deeply feeling, so honest, so raw, so panicked?

I don’t know, man. I’ve said things to other people before that I wished someone had said to me, and that’s what those lines sounded like to me. Which, if he had been a drug addict at one point, and if he overdosed but no one was there for him? The puzzle pieces fit.

And then to have people visit him in the hospital? To have someone call him a hero? He has no idea how to react to that, because I’m guessing neither of those things have ever happened to him before. And he isn’t really sure what to say to someone being so overwhelmingly grateful for and to him. So he doesn’t really say anything. His eyes just twitch. We can fill in the blanks.

The man has a soft heart, a vulnerability that he refuses to let anyone see, but it’s there. He’s just as scared and angry and confused as Keller 90% of the time. He just hides it better.

Which, ultimately all of this leads me to the conclusion that - for as far as Loki’s distanced himself from religion, as clean as he is now, as stable as he is, as well as he’s channeled his anger, as guarded as he keeps himself - this entire job, to him, is a chance at redemption.

Loki doesn’t think he’s deserving of love. He doesn’t believe he’s capable of having the kind of stability the Dovers are so familiar with. He doesn’t think he can just slide into a friend group after all these years. He doesn’t regard his own life highly. But the ability to save other people’s lives and keep dangerous people locked away - that’s his apology to the world. Of course he cares about these cases because he’s a good man, but it’s more than that. It’s that he believes this is the only way he cant repent for not always being a good man.

Which leads me to his first name. I’ve rambled about the symbolism of his name to @deputyrook before, but David. David. Given all of the Biblical symbolism in this movie, personally my mind immediately leaps to David and Goliath.

David - detective Loki and his desire to be a good man - is in a constant war against Goliath - Loki’s own trauma and troubled past. And there really isn’t a way to have one without the other, which makes Loki’s character so tragic. He isn’t ever going to heal, not completely, not when his entire career is him trying to apologize over and over again. He solves almost all the cases he’s given because he won’t, can’t, accept more failure.

Loki’s last line in the movie is “pray for the best, prepare for the worst.” For being a character so deeply centered in anti-religion, that’s an odd line to make his last. Combine that with how strange it is that he wouldn’t also change his first name, if he changed his last name to distance himself from religion. His name, and that last line, might just be symbolic of the few shreds of hope he has for himself. Hope that maybe he can have what the Dovers have, the hope that maybe one day when he’s gone he’ll be remembered by somebody and for something good.

Because that’s really all he wants, all he can hope, for himself. Since he doesn’t think he’ll ever have human connection, or love, or a family - as much as he would like to have those - he’ll settle for being just a little more than somebody’s bad memory, or being a little more than some name on a headstone.

#anon you are the kindest person i've ever known for indulging me about this #sksksksk #detective loki #it's my fucking boyfriend!! #anonymous #answered #i am VERY soft about this man #because he feels *so much* but he'll never let anyone know that #deep down he's just some 12 year old angry kid who never got what he needed #so he's settled for never getting it #UGH i'm soft #tw drug mention #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #long post #longpost #Anonymous

[volgotha]

Holy shit I just read your text post I'm so sorry! How are people so easily sold on bullshit??? What happened that lead up to all that?

Okay, strap yourself in. I’m only typing this mess up once more and then I’m never mentioning it again as long as I live. I’m not going to tag it with anything relevant either so once its posted, i’m letting it get lost in the sea of reblogs. Here we go, warning; this is gon be long.

In 2006 I went to college. From 2006 to 2009 I hung out with 5 friends and my bf at the time, Andre. It was in 2007 that we started to poke our heads into the 2C11 room (the clubspace room). Matt and his best friend Jogn Carlo started coming with us to Rocky Horror, a thing only myself and two of my 5 friends would do together, along with ppl they knew from their old highschool. By 2009, we had formed a big gang of friends from the clubspace, and we all started going to movies and sushi together. One of my friends organize panels for Otakuthon, where we’d all meet up.      

But in 2009, two of the 5 ppl I hung out with had a falling out. They stopped being friends. One went to university, the other was around for one more year then she went to university in 2010. That’s when the old group began to change from a family to a clique: In 2010 new members joined the club, and became new staples in the old group–most importantly, a guy named Tin.

It used to feel like a big family, but when the new semester started in September 2010 and new members flooded the club, everything changed. Tin instantly gave me a strange feeling in my gut, like there was something off abt him I couldn’t articulate. Shannon was dating Alex, the then club president, who stepped down in disgrace after I and one of those 5 friends went to the student union to complain abt him being the Harvey Weinstein of the club,. He wanted to permanently ban her from the club bc that summer when he was making a shitty youtube movie, he asked her out and she said no. The only reason he stepped down is bc I helped her take it to the student union and took him down. So when 2010 came along, Tin swooped in and became Alex 2.0, and when I warned ppl abt him they didn’t listen.

Fast forward a year to 2011, and the shitstorm happens; My mom had bvee battling with cancer since 2009. She had a hysterectomy but it didn’t work, and the cancer came back with a vengance.

January 15th 2011: My mom comes into my room and tells me her doctor doesn’t give her 1 year left to live. A few minutes after she leaves my room, Tin talks to me on Steam. He starts trolling me, I exploded on him. I felt bad about it so I tried to apologise to him, and I wrote on my facebook wall a message: “Just found out my mom has a year left to live, not in my right head, plz stay away from me for a while” so i wouldn’t explode on anyone else. I said I tried to apologise to Tin on steam, because him being an abujsive sociopath, instead of just accepting the apology or not like a normal person, instead he starts demanding that i admit to being a shitdisturber. I ignore him at that point, tell him im sorry, wish him good night and then sign off steam, and go to bed.

The following day, Shannon heads me off as I’m in the 2C11 hallway heading to the clubspace room; she warns me that Kelly is having a shit fit and screaming about how much of a horrible person I am, that apparently Kelly thinks my facebook post is me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I run to confront her, because excuse me, no it fucking wasn’t yknow? and whatever trauma she hasn;’t resolved yet doesn’t give her the right to twist my meanings and paint me as a monster. Thats when she goes into the Oliver’s caf so I follow her, and she screams at me calls me pathetic and heads back into the clubspace, and everyone followed her and left me in the caf crying with Shannon and Alex. :/

The situation was made ten times worse later that night by a certain person named Mathew, remember him? He was supposed to be my friend. Instead, he took the opportunity to write a huge post on fb tearing me down, on which everyone else joined in taking a public jab at me. Matt was seen as the community leader at the time. He could have used his power to calm the situation down, instead he made things worse. To this day, I suspect that troll Tin is the one who twisted my words to trigger Kelly and cause all of this, and that he also had Matt in the palm of his hand, but i digress; Matt’s post convinced most of them to ditch me. That devastated me in an already overwhelmed state, and I attempted suicide a few nights later.

That summer, I saw that my former friends were all having a big party, “What Killed the Dinosaurs? The Bad Movie Night.”, and I wasn’t invited. Shannon saw how much it hurt me, so she invited to her bf’s party instead, and that’s where I met Paul.

The following school year of 2011-2012 went by without much incident. The people who had ghosted me slowly added me back, Matt even apologized for his shit, and things seemed to be on the up and up. It looked like all this drama was behind us. I was wrong.

After I graduated, I decided to go visit the club in Fall 2012. Big mistake.

I saw someone I knew, Sarah, crying on someone’s lap, and asked her what was up. She told me she was in an abusive relationship with Tin. For giving her the advice to leave him, Tin came at me on steam again, and I told him that he was an abuser, that he would not intimidate me and to go fuck himself, and I blocked him. Suddenly, Matt was trying to extort 100$ from me for 2 locks I had broken the year before, which should’ve only cost 42$. Where did that come from? Well, Tin was the club’s Treasurer that year. He was trying to get back at me for standing up to him and helping his victim escape, and he was doing it through Matt, who was going apeshit on me on MSN for refusing to pay 100$. I insisted I should only have to pay what I owe, which was 42$. He kept freaking out on me, so finally I threatened to get a lawyer involved, and that’s when he backed down. I still paid the money I owed for the locks I had broken but I blocked Matt, having had enough of his bullshit, and that’s when suddenly a bunch of ppl from the group ghosted me for good.

Why was I ghosted when Matt was clearly the one in the wrong? Because Tin. They ghosted me bc Tin told them to. Tin and Matt told them all sorts of shitty things about me and they believed them. They don’t hold Tin or Matt to any of their shitty actions though bc they don’t want the same abuse that happened to me to happen to them. They turn a blind eye to every shitty thing Tin and Matt do. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand there’s an extremely toxic abuse dynamic at play in that group.

But the story doesn’t end there. Remember that party I went to with Shannon, and that guy I met named Paul? From november 2011 to march 2015 we were together. I was isolated from whoever was left, only hung out with him and his friends. In 2014, I became close friends with a girl name d Ariel, a member of that old groiup who ghosted me. But that was probably a manufactured relationship manipulated into existance by Paul, so he could jump to her when he was done with me.

Paul was extremely abusive when no one was around. The night he left, we had a huge fight. I tried to escape the situation by running upstairs. He chased me and when I ran into my TV room and closed the door behind me, he started pounding on it and trying to push his way in. When he did manage to get through the door, I panicked, picked up a glass bottle and threw it at him, and then slammed the door again when he backed out. The bottle broke, and cut his finger very deep. He used that cut to get everyone present during the situation on his side. Nevermind all the crazy abusive stuff he had just pulled in front of them, no, I was the bad guy, and once he had them convinced, he left to my then bff’s house, who later became his new gf.

He posted a picture of the wound on facebook, and because of that and previous drama from years ago that never really went away, most of the friends I had left from Dawson believed him, and ghosted me. I couldn’t tell them that a week earlier he had raped me, and that’s why I was scared enough to throw that glass bottle at him.I filed a police report, I warned everyone who would listen to me about him, and I warned her. I did all I could.

 I was too scared to tell this story for such a long time, because if asking for understanding while my mom was dying was twisted into me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch, then asking for understanding for the outbursts I had after being raped would just be twisted into me using my rape as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I couldn’t handle the idea of my rape being trivialized as just some excuse–and Mathew is in part responsible for it all, because of that fucking post he made publicly tearing me down. Had he not posted that, I would’ve never lost my support system, I would’ve never gone to that party with Shannon, and I would’ve never been raped.

So I spent the better parts of 2016-2018 telling those involved off for their part in my current situation and blocked them, and the rest rebuilding what I had back in 2009, with resounding success. 

So, there you have it. That’s what happened. Fuuuuuuuucking insane isn’t it. Its over now, none of them can hurt me anymore and Ive once again surrounded myself with friends I can actually trust, so everything’s good now. I still have my low days bc this was yknow, a lot, but I’m doing much, muuuuch better now. 

#T-Abyss