hiraeth.
part II.
synopsis: she watches as cassian falls for another, grappling with her own hidden affections and their newly snapped mating bond in the process.
pairing: cassian x fem!reader
fandom: a court of thorns and roses (book series by sarah j maas)
genre: angst
warnings: none
a/n: house of balloons/glass table girls, this is his song... i love him. fluff part two coming up OBVIOUSLY, im not fucking ending it like this i cant do this to my #1 loverboy babygirl kitty princess beloved. @joyseuphoria hi <3
Cassian had always been the beacon of power and resolve, with a demeanor rugged and unyielding. But beneath the surface was vulnerability, and she knew that it was written in the stars for her to remain by his side as his closest friend and confidante, never to become one to uncover that side of him.
But it didn’t make it easier. Watching him as he fell for Nesta’s every glance, every touch, every word that escaped her mouth seemed to throw him deeper and deeper into a trance. And she was fine with that, and accepted it. Accepted that she would never be the object of his softened glances, his featherlight touches, his-
Her thoughts halted as Cassian stormed into the room, frustration radiating off him in waves. She glanced up from her book, her eyes immediately catching the tension etched onto his features. Without a word, she closed her book and shifted, making room for him on the couch.
Cassian collapsed beside her, his movements rough yet familiar. He stretched out, his feet finding their place on her lap almost instinctively. Y/N didn't flinch; instead, she settled into the comfortable silence, waiting for Cassian to speak.
"It's Nesta," he finally muttered, his voice heavy with frustration. "Training with her…it was like walking on eggshells. One wrong move, and she was tearing into me with those ice-cold eyes."
She listened attentively, her gaze soft as she absorbed his words. "It was like she was always testing me," Cassian continued, his voice growing softer with each word. "Pushing me to my limits, making me question everything I thought I knew about myself."
Her fingers instinctively started to massage his feet as he spoke. It was a small gesture, one born out of years of friendship and trust. Cassian didn't protest; instead, he leaned back against the cushions, allowing the soothing touch to ease the tension from his muscles.
As the minutes stretched on, their conversation ebbed and flowed, the weight of Cassian's burdens slowly lifting with each passing moment. Y/N listened, offering words of comfort when needed, but mostly content to provide silent support.
Cassian's breathing eventually evened out, his body relaxing against the cushions. Y/N glanced down to find him fast asleep, his features softened by the serenity of slumber. She smiled softly, her heart swelling with affection.
Suddenly, chains, bolts, and locks shifted, loosening, their weight growing just a little more tolerable. A soul peeked through. Broken, scarred, and trembling — with fear, she realized, but it stretched further and further. Yearning, searching.
It was as though a tether had snapped into place, an invisible thread binding her to Cassian in a way she had never felt before. Confusion flickered as she processed the intensity of the connection, the undeniable pull drawing her closer to him.
She was aware that this was not happening in the slightest. A mind trick. A dream, she thought. betraying once, the jolt of real-time that pushed through her. Burning her cheeks and stealing her breath. How the waking world slipped past the knobby parts of her fingers like a whisper, barely there, because dreaming was just a fancier word for getting lost. It held her there, suspended in imagination and for every second, it felt real. Like she could grasp the outlines and the textures. Like she could touch the weather, drink the clouds, and taste the sunlight.
The gods who had her in a chokehold withdrew.
Death feared her too, it seemed.
He was soaring in the air, and she was on the ground. She tried to reach him but he was far, far out of her reach. Seconds ticked by, and then minutes, and every thought that tried to sneak its way in, through this thick veil, bounced off and dissipated into thin air.
Because she then remembered… that beautiful things shouldn’t be broken. And she had a knack for breaking things.
The soft rays of dawn streamed through the windows of the House of Wind, casting a warm glow over the sitting room where she and Cassian had fallen asleep. As she stirred from her slumber, she found herself alone on the couch, the imprint of Cassian's presence still lingering in the air. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, her mind foggy with the remnants of… dreams? Visions? She felt as though the very fabric of her existence had been torn asunder, leaving her adrift in a sea of uncertainty, but when has that ever stopped her?
So she stood on the ground and longed.
part II here >>
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i simply do not understand the drive of some people to put down any attempts to improve, to get to a 'normal' level of kindness, productivity, healthiness, etc as "the bare minimum," which isn't 'worth praising.' humans respond positively to praise, and continue to do good things when it means good things are said to them or happen to them as a result. this is elementary shit, and it's why people do horrible shit--it benefits them, so they keep doing it. to ignore this simple mechanic in humans is completely asinine and will make just about every effort you make to improve things much harder. does a child learn to love reading if you huff at them and say that it's the bare minimum when they read their first book? does a teenager learn to respect themselves if taking care of themselves gets them seen as preening self-service? does a parent get to learn from their mishandling of their child raising strategies and figure out that they've improved things via positive feedback? or are all of those things 'the least they could do' and not worthy of praise? what a bizarrely cruel, shriveled mentality some people have.
i had initially replied this in response to someone being weirdly mean about someone fixing their parenting, but i figure it fits better as a post because quite frankly i find that mentality exhausting.
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The idea that feminists need to do something for men in order for them to be taken seriously is literally so fucked up and selfish. A thousand years of patriarchy and sexist cultures that have benefited men, yet men still want feminism to do something for them? Fucking selfish and so fucking disgusting. When I say men are privileged, this is what I mean. Feminism, a movement about women, has to somehow benefit men for them to not rape, abuse, kill and discriminate women. Like don't they see the irony? We're still expected to do something for them; to obey and serve them in some ways just so that they can take us seriously, which even then they don't. We're somehow supposed to raise voices for men as well now when we're already not heard, we're expected to carry their burdens and 'oppression' as well as ours because they can't be bothered to make movements and changes for themselves. Because they're so used to us doing everything for them? Honestly fuck men and if this posts offends men and they start whining about 'not all men' rather than focusing on the issue at hand, then you're part of the problem.
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figuring out I'm agender was such a revelation because there was just no more confusion anymore. no more wondering why I related more to the male characters, why I always felt as equally comfortable in "guys" and "girls" clothes, why I never really understood the whole binary in itself. I always existed outside of it, always thought the whole thing was overrated and dumb.
now, it's just so freeing because I see myself in the mirror, and I'm the man I wanted to be. I'm the woman I wanted to be. I'm both. I'm neither!
Sorry its late and I'm just really euphoric right now because so many moments of my past finally make so much sense, and I wish I could go back and give that kid some reassurance that they weren't wrong for any of it.
I'm ace, I'm aro, I'm agender, and I'm ecstatic because I finally feel like I'm meeting the real me.
Love & Light y'all
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