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sepyana · 10 months

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Jjba Stardust Crusaders Ep. 9-15 thoughts

Ep. 9

It's a bit boring tbh. It's a Jotaro episode, and I'm gonna be honest, I don't think Jotaro can carry an episode by himself. He's fun when he is with the rest of the cast, but kind of boring otherwise? I don't really hate him or anything. I just wish a bit more out of his solo episodes

Yeah, there is also the Cherry thing. The end of the episode got me

Rest under the cut

Ep. 10

Finally some good fucking conflict baby!! This is when Polnareff became a vivid character in my mind. Polnareff trying to fight the Hanged Man alone and Advol being the most upset by it the most makes sense for them. I guess Advol feels a bit betrayed because he has a lot of respect for the guy.

Polnareff gives a flimsy reason why him going alone is a good thing but you can tell later that he knows this is objectively the worse choice deep down, he is just too angry to care. Everyone knows this. Advol is the only one who thinks he can force him to not go (which does speak to his "holier than thou" additude a bit).

Later when Polnareff's arrogance bites him in the ass it's Advol who comes in to help him first. Polnareff saying this was to lecture him or prove him wrong is not entirely untrue. I'm sure that was a part of it. Ultimately though the main reason is because he doesn't wanna see him die. That's what I think, at least.

I was mad that they killed Advol early but I saw him in the thumbnail of some episodes later scrolling thru Netflix so uhh. We get to have more Advol later :D idk how tho.

This was around the time when I went in to check out the dub. I would have loved the dub for the first two parts if it weren't for the stupid. fucking. accents. This part doesn't have em. The dub's great y'all I reccomend it for sure. Also I swear I heard Advol's va somewhere else before.

Ep. 11

Another good episode for characterizetion, for Polnareff and Kakyoin this time. I'm glad the Joestars weren't in these episodes. Shrinking down the cast sometimes is good, builds their interpersonal relationships. One thing I'm worried about is how many Polnareff episodes we have gotten, I hope he doesn't die early.

Anyways, fight scenes were great. I especially like the shot where Polnareff gets his ass saved again. By Kakyoin this time.

I like Kakyoin a lot in this episode. He is definitely the guy with the most emotional intelligence. Back and forth between him trying to talk some sense into Polnareff vs Hol and the Hanged man taunting him was good.

I also like how he waits to get out of danger before breaking Polnareff's nose. That's some emotional maturity right there.

Now that Polnareff has calmed down, we can focus on defeating the stand users again.

Kakyoin repeating Polnareff's linea to him when they cornered is nice. It reminds me of how he said "I don't really know why myself" when the crew asked why he wanted to join them. Fun little detail.

Another detail is the crowd's faces wehn Joseph and Jotaro find Advol's body. I couldn't find a good place to mention that.

I should also mention Hol Horse. He is a cowboy. His stand is a gun. His last name is just Horse. When faced with the people he is suppose to kill he just runs away. He also steals the crew's car at some point. I would kill to see him and Dio interact. Truly one of the jjba characters of all time.

Ngl I ugly laughed at him running away at the end. They animated it so well too and for what.

Ep. 12

It was about time we got a Joseph episode.

Polnareff is tying to give Nena some advice about love and shit and he is just. not getting thru to her. This episode is when Polnareff officially became the silly one of the group.

I'm glad to see Joseph be his BT self again. Predicting people's lines and all. Sure, age has made him weaker (evenho he is still absolutely built), but it shouldn't make him stupider. I wish we saw his intelligence at play, outside of this episode.

Hermit purple is a cool stand and seeing it get utilized is always a treat.

This is the first time they show Hamon doesn't work on stands i think? I sort of assumed that was the case but this confirms it. Even with that, Hamon still has a lot of utility. It's weird to see Joseph not use it.

I guess the SPW foundation cleared his record after this. Honestly, I have no idea what they would to without it. Where would we be if it wasn't for Speedwagon's huge crush on Jonathan.

Ep. 13

This is one of my favourite "stand user of the day" episode so far. The stand is fucking sick, the group has good chemistry together. From Polnareff being and idiot to Jotaro and Kakyoin's banter.

My main complaint is that they brought the girl back. I sang praises about her earlier and they took that personally ig. She is only in this episode too. I just don't see the point. Did she need to have a crush on him? One thing I liked about her was seeing Jotaro interact with a stranger that 1. didn't try to kill him 2. Wasn't smitten by him. She leaves after this so it doesn't even matter tham much but y'know.

Ep 14 and 15

I joked about the fog being a stand earlier i didn't think they'd actually go for it. It's definitely a creative one.

Is Polnareff not knowing the stand user and trying to befrend them gonna be a trend? I'm here for it 100%.

Something about Jotaro referencing Columbo delights me.

I don't have much to say about these two episodes. I found them pretty entertaining but not much to note about. Other than Polnareff licking the toilet.

And this is it i'm pretty sure. These take a lot of time to write but I like journaling my thoughts. Mostly for myself, aslo for my 3 mutuals.

We'll probably get a Kakyoin episode soon. He hasn't used his main stand ability at all since episode 2. I get why, but it's a bit of a shame.

#sepya watches jjba #↪ posts

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tht-fukpet-frith · 1 year

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Would love to hear you ramble about your toys, especially your favorites amongst them

Howdy! I saw this earlier but had to wait until I got home to grab some close ups!

Let's do this count down style so first is my *least* fave of my beloved toys and last of course being my MOST favorite

Okay so first things first, fleshlights! I have a few of my own but this one is my fave ;3c

It's actual owner is my live in partner and when we're feeling freaky he likes to put it inside me and use it. 12/10 would reccomend (found on Fantasticocks on etsy)

As for a fleshlight that's mine for real:

This one is another Fantasticock creation and it's so soft and textured and the suction I really nice. It's aimed at transmascs who have bottom growth but it's works well on most if you're determined. Soild 10!

But Fleshlights aren't my all time favorite toy so let's move along♡

Next from the bottom we have Vaginal dildos!

Let's start small with just a.... fist.

This toy is wonderful because all the intense texture but it's not abrasive when you move fast like some my other more heavy textured toys. The silicone itself is super soft so it has a good glide inserting with a fair amount of give.

It's just... a bit small for my tastes? I cum hardest from cervical stimulus when it comes to vaginal sex and this guy can't reach deep enough in a comfortable position to use solo

7/10 still well loved just not gold tier. Strangebedfella is the maker :3

Second up is my WIFE aaaah I love her. She and I have our differences but she's a wonderful toy! Sadly with the overall size of her and the texture of larva feet it's hard to take her >~<

She was supposed to replace my Husband Lucifer but I overestimated how big qn extra inch in girth is so I can only taker her first 2 pairs of feet before I gotta tap out. Another Fantasticock

Cum ***every*** second of it tho so 9.7/10

Lastly for vaginal dildos:

GOD I love this bad boy sosososo much! The bumps and ridges on the tongue, the heavy knot that hits RIGHT on your g spot, the twisted stem for extra stimulus and if it's a good day and I can work it all in??? The teeth add to the whole experience by brushing up on my dick like crazy.

Perfect fuck! 10/10 Strangebedfella

Squick warning:

Now my 2nd fave thing ever: Oviposition! Aka Egg kink. I... I watch alot of monster porn okay?

This is the biggest eggie I own and it's got some wild texture, no matter how you twist or turn it SOMETHING is gonna be pressed right up against all the best parts.

I love how full it makes me feel, the sad thing is it's SO big I can't fit any other eggs so it loses points on that one because eggs are best in clutches. Strangebedfellas for this one!

Now for my favorite egg set♡♡♡♡

My worm! I love her!!!! She's perfect!♡♡♡ the top texture feels so good against my cervix (especially just before I push an egg into me) the larva feet feels so smooth and feels almost like something is crawling in you!!! It's so good not to mention the EGGS? They're actually chrysalis! The pics do no justice for details. They have the most gorgeous of details even wings! The textures are intense but subtle so not abrasive at all. Not to mention the shape makes them easy to insert and pushout♡♡♡ but best of all they stack really well so I can take all of them at once. Or just roll 1 or 2 up and down inside me for some mindless fun. Fantasticocks again.

Now for my all time favorite thing.

Anal anal anal anal anal anal.

Did I mention anal???

Okay so anal tops all other things. By FAR so it was hard to narrow it down and give the other toys a chance!

Here's my 3 faves:

This is a bad dragon, it's an old ass gift and since it's still good no use in throwing out a good toy! This one is a medium and it's small enough for a session after work before bed but big enough to be a challenge and wear me out. It also is one of the few that has a cum tube♡ so I can get bred like a dumb pet♡♡♡♡

My kitty knot!!! Strangebedfellas is the maker once again! It's long enough to get all the right spots while being big enough to feel like a stretch (not a proper gape tho UnU) it's one of my go tos when already a bit stretched out and normally my 2nd level when I wanna start going for the big bois

Now for my favorite toy, the og. The Daily Dose of D!

I've made a post or 2 about this guy. It's my all time fave, I use it literally daily. To warm up, to sit and be full, just to be a dumb pet around the house or normally while I edge for hours♡♡♡

Like honestly I don't remember where or when I got it and it's a damn shame because the metal is so smooth and cool, the cock shape is just textured enough to give that perfect "just the tip" POP! and then the gentle tapper to the handle. It's my only plug with a curved narrow handle so it's honestly my most comfy plug too!!!

Annnnnd I think those are my faves :3

#tis my asks!

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youngsamberg · 2 years

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survivor anon yayy!! season 42 just finished and it was so much fun, the cast was much better than 41 imo and the winner really deserved it <33 i havent gotten into big brother tho, what season would u reccomend to start with?

omg yessss i adore maryanne and i was sooo happy for her 🥰🥰🥰

oh MAN. big brother is VERY hit or miss, so i’ll give you my personal favorite seasons (which are mostly the fandom favorites) and then you can decide: 2, 3, 6, 7 (this is an all-stars season so i recommend watching 2, 3, and 6 before it), 10*, 12, 13 (watch s12 before this one), 14 (this one also contains returning houseguests so i recommend watching s7 and s10 beforehand), 17, 23

*10 is the best season of all time imo if you wanna start there to get the hang of it and then go back or jump around. you don’t really need to watch it in order but i recommend abiding by the parameters i mentioned above just so you have some more context

LASTLY a new season starts on july 6th so you can just tune into that as it airs!

#anonymous #when you watch a show like this for 12 years you have a lot to say about it lmaooo

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transmasc-wizard · 2 years

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@letters-to-lgbt-kids' 22 Questions for Nonbinary November!

1.Which labels do you use? Transmasculine, nonbinary, genderqueer, nonbinary trans guy, transmasc. (only counting gender labels)

2.What are your pronouns? he/they! No preference.

3.How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary? Uh... idk exactly but it was like a year ago? ish? depends on whether you count the other 3 times i came out to myself lmao.

4.What’s one thing you’d like to tell your younger self? "hey there's actually a Reason you hate being called pretty and avoid mirrors like the plague and really want a flat chest. Wild, right"

5.Is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most? that we're all unaligned and want to be androgynous. I DO want to be andro, in the sense of being fem and masc at the same time, but others don't. Also, i'm masc-alligned.

6.Is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to? This might be cheap lol but Demi Lovato, i like their music, so... yeah.

7.If you’re out, how did you come out? I am not ~technically~ out. But my friend knows; i was like "hey i think im transmasc" and she said "ok cool". but i came out to my family and it was. interesting lmao

8.Is there a gender-related pun you like? non-beenary. Also: trans people should handle the money because everything we do is a transaction im so sorry

9.Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too? friend-ish people, yeah. Also i have a friend who jokes she's "{name}gender" and says he is ok with literally any pronouns so... we may have an egg here.

10.Do you have a favorite lgbt+ character? Hmmmm Nico Di Angelo is my namesake but i honestly can't pick lmao.

11. Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+… which one do you usually use? Queer. I have a long, long post explaining why, but i hate being called LGBT unless you also call me queer lmao

12. How do you explain the term “nonbinary” to people who have no idea what it means? "i do not vibe with gender". or, "boy is here, girl is here, no gender is here, and i am here" *points between boy and no gender*. they usually get it

13.Tell us a fun fact about yourself (gender-related or random!) i am absolutely obsessed with books and if you want a book of any genre or type or trope just ask me via asks or anon and i will throw ALL THE RECS at u

14.How did you find your name? I stole it from Nico Di Angelo <3

15.If you’re in a relationship, how did your partner react to your coming-out? I'm a single pringle who doesn't wanna mingle lol, but my FRIENDS were all pretty good (except one. she's a transphobic asshole and i kinda hate her now)

16.Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other or something else? i mean i've never dated and don't really wanna but my theoretical partner would call me boyfriend or partner in crime. the "in crime" would not be optional and i would not date someone who would object to it

17.A piece of advice for questioning kids? don't treat labels like they own you. E.g. if you ID as straight then really wanna date a boy/girl/ur gender, don't jump thru hoops explaining away that emotion--just use bi or pan or something else that fits. Also, it's ok to change labels!! i did like 20 times before i settled on my labels i've been using for about 8 months now!!

18.Which flag(s) do you use? nonbinary, genderqueer, aroace, bi, trans, transmasculine, asexual, aromantic. Look em up urself, tumblr won't let me post the images

19.Any tips for bad days? read a book. write a story. draw a picture. it doesn't have to be good, just do it. it helps

20.Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr? i like @neopronounsmybelovaed, @lgb-positivi-t (not NB specific tho), and @letters-to-lgbt-kids (also not nonbinary specific tho). idk i havent seen a lot of NB blogs--reccomendations are appreciated!

21.Feminine, masculine, androgynous - or none of those things? i would like to be all of them at once but also femme but also manly masc boy but also 'my gender is gay and my sexuality is nonbinary' but also do not percieve me but ALSO-- (u get the idea)

22. What are your three favorite things about yourself? ah fuck uh. i like my writing. I like my ability to usually find good friends. i like how i will literally consume All The Information related to the things i like (in other words, talk to me about the raven cycle or writing pls).

#nonbinary #nico yells into the void #nonbinary november #enby #transmasc #trans #transmasculine #trans guy #genderqueer #not writblr #queer stuff #trans stuff #long post

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fbfh · 4 years

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“forever” paxton hall-yoshida x reader

genre: fluffy romance + mutual pining (not too slowburn tho lol)

word count: 3.4k

au: none?? jock x theatre nerd ig

pairing: Paxton x broadway baby!reader

requested: yes !! i hope u like it uwu

warnings: one hell one motherfucking and i think that’s it for swearing?? um brief self deprecating/talking bad abt urself from paxton (bby boy needs a self love boost), reader and paxton are home alone together for a little while but nothing bad happens, uh,,, i think that’s it

summary: when Eleanor can’t run lines with you, she sends over a very attractive, mutually pining substitute.

reccomended songs: “Seventeen” - Tuck everlasting OBC, “The Kiss” -The Princess Diaries score

a/n: i’m p sure i kept the reader p gender neutral but there’s implied slightly long hair, and you play the lead (a girl named winnie) in ur schools production of tuck everlasting but like it’s theatre so anyone can play anyone lol,, this took so got dam long bc i’m fucking s o f t for jock x artist and it just sorta happened lol aLsO,, not super thoroughly edited so there might be a typo or two?? im tired lol

requests r open <3

You had only ever seen two athletes present during rehearsals. Once when Madeline (who at the time was playing Penny in your production of Hairspray) was dating a guy from the soccer team. The other was when the star of the basketball team had come in to give your choreographer pointers for the basketball scenes during High School Musical.

Until now.

You had run onstage part of the way through “Live Like This”, which wasn’t out of the ordinary since so much progress had been made on the costumes. You were still tying the ribbon on your pinafore as you jumped into the song, but when your eyes met a face in the usually empty auditorium, you faltered. You almost sang the wrong verse, but recovered quickly, continuing with the blocking. What felt like a moment later, the number was almost done and you were nearing the end of your counterpoint with Mae Tuck - played by Eleanor, of course. Who could be better for the part? You held out the last note, trying to stay in character despite all the distractions in the back of your mind. You had to talk to Eleanor when the director called for 10; she’d started telling you how Devi was being weird recently. Also, what the Hadestown was Paxton Hall-Yoshida doing chilling in the auditorium? You shoved all that away, focusing on staying in character until the director called for a break.

‘I want to go to the fair. I want to go so badly! I just need a change, need to get out of this house for a little while. I never do anything, so this can’t be asking for too much, right?’

You projected all that into your everything - face, voice, mannerisms, energy.

“Hold!”

Everyone froze.

The director wrote a few things on his paper, sighed, and underlined something several times.

“Okay, good job! I need to revise some of the blocking, then we’ll do notes, so take ten.” Your sudden nerves had definitely made you pitchy, you knew that would be one of your notes for sure.

A chorus of “Thank you ten”s erupted, and you immediately ran to Eleanor, telling the others good job as you passed.

You leaned in and started speaking to her, quietly.

“Okay you need to finish telling me about Devi, and that other news you’re being so cryptic about! Also, what’s up with Fierro over there?” you nodded towards Paxton hoping he wouldn’t see, and you noticed Fab is sitting near him. You realized they’re probably waiting for Eleanor and/or Devi. That must be it, he’s been hanging out with them lately, right? Eleanor gasped.

“You’re right! Paxton is such a Fierro!”

You cringed inwardly a little bit as her voice carried through the auditorium, mixing with the others. Your eyes darted over to him for a fraction of a second. Oh god. He was looking at you. Or in your general direction at least. Lena, the costumer, walked around the set gingerly, following you around and getting you out of your dress incredibly carefully as you and Eleanor walked off stage.

“No! Well, yes- but no. What’s he doing here? Jocks never come here during rehearsals. I saw Fab too, are you guys and Devi getting dinner or something?” You said, entering the auditorium, and stepping out of the dress. You grabbed sweatpants and a silky, floral kimono jacket from your bag to throw over your leotard and tights. She waved back at Fab before sitting down in the front. You both grabbed your fans and dramatically flicked them open in sync. Your wrists fluttered, cooling both of you off. A knowing, and slightly mischievous, look came on her face.

“Devi and Fab and I are. Paxton must be here for something… else.” she shrugged, nodding towards Paxton. You looked over again. He was staring at you. You did a double take and tried to hold back your smile.

“Wh- I do not know to what you are referring.”

“To what I am referring is the blush on his cheeks.”

You barely held back a nervous, bubbling laugh.

“He is not blushing! Why would he be blushing!”

“I don’t know,” She shrugged, “Just like how I don’t know that he’s been loitering in the halls outside the music room during your last three solo music rehearsals.”

You struggled for an answer. Before you could form one, you were interrupted.

“Okay, okay what is the best Lin Manuel Miranda musical? Because Kathryn thinks it’s Hamilton-”

“Duh!”

“-But I think it’s In the Heights! It’s an underrated jewel!” Jonah interjected, still wearing his Jesse Tuck hat.

You considered for a moment.

“I mean, they’re too different to compare. In the Heights has the same energy as Rent - showcasing what goes on in ordinary people’s lives, and how love ties us all together,” he nodded in agreement, “But Hamilton is on a way larger scale, almost Les Mis meets Fun Home vibes. But in terms of personal preference…” Eleanor scoffed at your answer, and Jonah went back to debate further with Kathryn.

“Anyway,” you turned back to Eleanor to ask her what the hell she meant by Paxton Hall-Yoshida was blushing. But before you could-

“Eleanor, we need you to try on your blue dress again,” Lena was already pulling her away, “I had the empire waist in the right place but half the pins fell out, and it’s just...” And she was whisked away before you could finish the thought. You just had time to help Holly get out her wig pins and drink some lemon water before notes. Eleanor still wasn’t back, so you made sure to write down hers for her. It was pretty standard; be quiet backstage, go over your lines, don’t touch props that aren’t yours, don’t eat in costume, and a couple blocking changes you made note of. After your end of rehearsal warm downs and huddle, everyone left relatively quickly. You ducked into the bathroom to freshen up a little. Sometimes it was hard coming down from such intense energy after rehearsal. You mentally ran through your to do list. You needed to get some more tea, write that essay when you got home, go over your notes- You gasped, cutting off your own train of thought. You ran out of the bathroom to look for Eleanor, still clutching her notes in hand.

Your voice still echoed in Paxton’s ears. He wished he had a whole album of you singing. Your voice made him want to ruin his spotify algorithm by listening to nothing else. You had looked at him a couple times, and his heart had almost stopped. He didn’t know eye contact could be so intense. It’s probably just cause you’re like, the only person in the audience. Where else is she supposed to look? He deflated a little. He heard his name and looked over to you and Eleanor talking together. Hopefully it was about him. Hopefully it was good. He checked his phone, trying to look busy. When he glanced up to see if you were looking, you were gone. He started to look around for you when he saw Eleanor waving at Fab, and sure enough, you were next to her. What he didn’t expect was you dropping your dress to the ground. Time slowed down (and his heart sped up) as you stretched a little, and pulled out sweatpants from your bag.

Wow.

You had on what looked like a bathing suit on underneath, and a few other people had done the same, but he knew that image would be in his memory, probably forever. His heart was beating in his ears and he knew he must be blushing.

“You okay, Paxton?” Fab asked, a seat or two away. Oh god, he didn’t want people asking why he blushed every time he looked at you! He muttered something about needing to make a call and headed for the doors. Don’t look back at her, don’t look back at her… His eyes involuntarily darted in your direction right before he left. You had on a flowy translucent jacket, your hair thrown back supermodel style as you fanned yourself to cool down. He needed to cool down too. Maybe a cold shower, a really cold shower.

You managed to find Eleanor just before she left. Two girls were with her, you had seen Fab once, and you’d heard a lot about Devi, but had never been introduced.

You gave Eleanor her notes, and she hugged you.

“You’re a lifesaver!”

“Of course, I-”

“Uh, who’s this?” you looked over, and the shorter girl - Devi, based on what you’d heard about her - was giving you a weird look. You introduced yourself.

“Nice to meet you. How do you know Eleanor?” said the taller girl - definitely Fab.

“Oh,” you smiled, “she’s my almost mother in law. And my arch rival,” you counted on your fingers, “my sister, my niece, my lover, my husband, and…” you trailed off, trying to think of the other dynamics your characters had had in past shows.

“Your co-conspirator.”

“Right,” you laughed. Devi and Fab looked at you two.

“We’re in the musical together.” you clarified. You were about to part ways when you called to Eleanor, “Hey, we’re still on for running lines tomorrow night?”

“Uh… Sounds good!” she walked away quickly, speaking to Devi and Fab in hushed tones. Something was definitely up. That was typical Eleanor Scheming behavior.

That night, you almost couldn’t sleep. This wasn’t the normal post rehearsal can’t sleep. In fact, Tuck Everlasting was the last thing on your mind as you readjusted your pillows and snuggled into your duvet. You stared at the neon blue stars projected and swirling on your ceiling. You sighed. Again. Your brain was a 24/7 livestream of Paxton Hall-Yoshida to relax/study to. You saw him again, his face in the dimly lit auditorium, Adonis in a sea of faded seats. If you hadn’t been sure before, you knew now that red was definitely his color. You rolled onto your side. Your heart picked up speed as a thought crossed your mind. You could almost see Paxton now, kneeling next to you, his fingertips brushing your cheek. The piano underscore to “Seventeen” ran through your mind. You could imagine him saying “Wait with me, we could share the world…” so vividly it almost hurt. He leaned in, and…

You let out a loud sigh and rolled over again. Your heart was fully saturated. That’s more than enough pining for tonight.

“Paxton!”

He was a little surprised when Eleanor just walked up to him at lunch the next day. Most people were too intimidated to approach him out of the blue.

“I have a plan.”

“Uh, I don’t know what you-”

“Cut the crap, I know you like her.”

His face blanched. Well, yeah of course he did. Who wouldn’t? He was going to ask Eleanor if there was something he could do to win you over, just not here, not now. Not where everyone could watch and jeer and rib him for it. Just like they were doing now.

“Woah, dude, who is it?” Trent asked. He fumbled for words. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He hadn’t kept his crush a secret because he was embarrased of you, he’d kept it a secret because his dumbass friends wouldn’t get you. Hell, he barely got you. You were so deep, and emotive, and artistic...

“Bro, if you like her as much as it seems like you do,” Trent continued, “you gotta win her over.” He was a little shocked at the agreement murmuring through his group of friends. He didn’t know how to respond. Trent turned to Eleanor.

“What’s the plan, drama mama?”

“First of all,” she said, an almost humorously dangerous look on her face, “never call me that again. Second,” she shoved some papers into Paxton’s hands, “meet me in the music room immediately after school.” She started back for her table. Trent looked back over to Paxton.

“You gotta do it, dude. We’ll cover for you at swim.”

The rest of his friends agreed. He was pleasantly surprised at how supportive they were being.

“Yeah, I guess... we’ve got a plan.”

The next day went by pretty smoothly. No rehearsal was scheduled since they were finishing construction for some of the sets, but everyone was instructed to do a couple read throughs of the script, focusing on scenes they’re still forgetting, to make sure everyone’s off book. You stopped by 7 Eleven to get a blue slurpee (for homework) and a couple coconut waters (for run throughs). You texted Eleanor on your way to the slurpee machine.

okay so do you like the mango coconut water or the pineapple one?? It’s the mango one right?? i always forget lmao

sent at 4:16 pm

btw I don’t have that much homework so you can probs come by around 5:30 if you’re ready by then

sent at 4:16 pm

Bae Tuck

OMFG!! I totally forgot about running lines tonight, I can’t make it! :( but I’ll send someone over to help you out. :)

sent at 4:17 pm

You squinted at your screen. That was weird. Eleanor never used colon parentheses smilies. Like, ever. She always used emojis, and usually way more than two per text.

yeah np, are u good? ♡

sent at 4:17 pm

Bae Tuck

Yes :)

sent at 4:18 pm

Bae Tuck

Also get the passionfruit one 🥥🍠 👀

sent at 4:18

that’s,,, el that’s a sweet potato,,

sent at 4:19 pm

Bae Tuck

Close enough 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

sent at 4:19pm

...Okay? That was definitely weird. You shook it off and headed for the counter to pay. You stopped half way there, and turned back to swap the mango for passionfruit.

Not long after you had finished your homework and tidied up your room a little, the doorbell rang. You exited the kitchen, drinks in hand, and opened the door. Your heart caught in your throat. Paxton Hall-Yoshida was standing outside. And you were pretty sure he looked nervous. You both just stood there for a second. No one breathed, no one spoke.

“Uh, hi, do you want to…” you backed up, motioning for him to come inside.

“Yeah, thanks,” he said, entering the doorway. Paxton motherfucking Hall-Yoshida was in your living room. You held out a hand to him.

“Coconut water?” he took the box, looked at the label, and smiled.

“Yeah, thanks,” he said again, this time a faint, yet unmistakable note of joy in his voice. He took a sip. He smiled.

“Passionfruit’s my favorite.” You silently thanked Eleanor, who you knew must have planned all this. Most of the evening was a blur, and you thanked god your family wasn’t home right now. You went upstairs, texted Eleanor asking what the actual fuck, made some surprisingly comfortable small talk, then filled him in on how to run lines.

“Do you think playing the soundtrack would help you… get into character?” he asked.

“I would probably just end up singing the whole thing,” You laughed and tried to ignore the butterflies in your chest. The main scene you struggled with was before “Seventeen”. It was harder to get into Winnie’s head because you had no romantic feelings for Jonah, and you always just made each other laugh. You had started with a few easier scenes of Winnie and Jesse, like the fair, and the dialogue before “Top of the World”.

“That was really good,” he said, and you felt the sincerity of his words.

“Thanks…” you smiled and took a sip of coconut water, hoping you weren’t blushing too hard.

“So what next?” he asked.

“Probably the scene before ‘Seventeen’,” you said, giving him the page and scene number, “it’s one of the hardest ones for me. I guess I just can’t connect to Jonah the way Winnie does.”

“Huh,” he said, skimming the page. When you looked up at him, he had something between a smile and a smirk playing at his lips. You made yourself look away before you got too distracted. You refused to think about the fact that you were sitting across from Paxton Hall-Yoshida on your bed, in your room, like you were… close with each other. His eyes skimmed the script, finding the dialogue. He glanced up at you and nodded, indicating he found his place. You began.

“I was so afraid you wouldn’t get away,” you said, jumping into character.

“I may be 102, but I can still outrun anyone,” a smile played at his lips. You smiled, then let your face fall.

“I’m so sorry, I-I tried to warn you-”

“No, no,” he interjected almost seamlessly, “It’s okay, it’s… refreshing having someone look after me who isn’t my mom.” His eyes flickered between your face and the page. You smiled with him for a second, then let distress cloud your face.

“Jesse… that man came by my house today. He heard the music box, he knows about you-”

“I know he knows…”

You continued on with the scene and he trailed off when he came to the sheet music for the song Seventeen. You took in a breath to start the dialogue in the middle of the song, but before you could…

“Six years from now you will turn seventeen,

Turn seventeen,

The same age as me,

Six years from now,

Go to the spring,

Go to the spring and drink…”

He was singing to you. He was looking at you and singing to you. His eyes only flickered down to the page to confirm the lyrics. He was nervous, you could tell. But through his hesitance, the emotion in his voice was sincere. Your heart was beating faster. You didn’t even notice your pulse was ringing in your ears, you were too focused on Paxton.

“I'll wait for you till you turn seventeen,

Turn seventeen,

The same age as me,

Six years from now,

Go to the spring,

Go to the spring and drink…” Your hand rose to cover your mouth. He hesitated, and you remembered your dialogue.

“Uh, wh-what if I… forget where the spring is?” He reached out and took your free hand in his. Your pulse was off the charts. “I’ll go get you some water. Just… remember to keep it somewhere safe. Somewhere no one will find it.” You got the feeling he wasn’t just talking about the water. You knew he had never really been in a serious relationship before, and it clicked suddenly - if he learned an entire song to duet with you, just how much he must like you. You exhaled a breathy laugh, unsure how to process the sudden euphoria you felt.

“You make the world sound so… exciting. I just want to drink the water right now!”

“Uh, no. You have to wait.” you both smiled, anticipating the upcoming joke.

“Why?” you ask, “What’s the difference?” You held your breath as he tried not to laugh through the delivery of the punchline.

“Believe me,” he rubbed his thumb over your hand, “there’s a difference.” You both chuckled, and he continued singing. You were so focused on him, so… touched that he would do all this for you.

“Winnie, wait with me,

And we could be married,

Winnie, wait with me,

And we'll share the world,

Winnie, you can stop time,

And live like this,

Forever…”

“I could live like this forever,” you echoed.

“Live like this...” you sang in tandem.

“What do you say, Winnie? Do you want to…” he broke character suddenly, and asked, his eyes boring into yours, “Do you want to go out some time?”

He could see the adorable smile blooming on your face, even from behind your hand. You nodded.

“Yes, I-I would love that,” and you began to sing the last line in the song, “Forever-”

But before you finished holding out the note, his lips were on yours. His mouth moved slowly, intentionally, against yours. You followed his lead, flustered. He leaned further forward, his palm caressing your cheek. It was everything you imagined it would be, and you had quite the imagination. Your head was angled up and your hands rested themselves on his back, one tracing little shapes. Your shoulders were pressed against each other and neither of you could think. He was so warm. He tasted like coconut and passion fruit, and a distant part of your mind silently thanked Eleanor again.

You really could live like this forever.

#paxton hall yoshida x reader #paxton hall yoshida #never have i ever #nhie #nhie x reader #never have i ever x reader

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gotham--fc · 2 years

Note

Yeah it’s mad like most rinks have a step down and mine doesn’t so it’s so weird having to step down to the ice, you get used to it throughout the game like it’s just weird and uncomfortable for the first couple times . Do footy pitches ever vary in like how it is to play on , like idk if u can have good quality grass or different placement of lines but like sometimes with hockey if the rink is too rough or good too smooth or if the blue lines are too close or too far it’s weird to play on ,(I played on one that was like less slippy than normal ice like you got like no glide out of it.- felt a bit like plastic even though it wasn’t. (dunno how and it was so weird ))-

Yeah same I’m thinking I’m just gonna try wearing them round the house to re fit them😂 I don’t wanna drop my money on new skates (we do be looking to upgrade my cage on my helmet to either a black cage or a bubble- which one do u think? - black is the away colour for two of my teams jerseys) Any football boots you reccomend or brands you reccomend started playing a bit with mates and I borrowed my brothers old ones and I found because I run weird it was hurting my feet like it felt cramped 😂.

Thats really cool congrats! i barely ever get into the 100s in one game let alone high 100s to 200s! I didn’t know you could play 5 pin though, do they have different alleys for it or do they just not put the other 5 in ? Or is it that they put an extra 5 for 10 pin.

Yeah a goals a goal. Had practice before and we had to shoot at the pegs (that usually keep the net skill ) which were in the top of the net, I got so close but I really wanna work on my shot so I can get it 😂😂

Ouch that does sound painful you would think they’d do it with more padding or a softer ball😂 ouch😬😬😬

Aww no that sucks I hope you get out of the lockdown soon. Lockdown is the worsssst.

Hell yeah! Kirky is the bessst like bro averaged a goal a game and he picked up a few assists and like not being bias but if you consider who he played and the GB team it’s impressive - we don’t get a ton of funding but we improving a lot. Be a GB hockey fan it is fun.

Yeah flex it it’s v v cool, can’t say I’ve watched a ton of OHL games but o know a ton of the teams and Ik it’s a really good leauge and it’s where most nhl prospects go.

Yeah, tbf I’ve only been the dd once and that was at Xmas cause my parents don’t really go out 😂 yeah I’m 19 so it’s chill but the UKs law on drinking is v v lax 😂 it basically is legal to let a 5 year old drink if they’re at home and an adult buys it 😂😂 and it’s 16 if u are in public with an adult and having a meal. Idk about Canada but the USA seem strict on it. Yeah bacon covered anything is goated. Chicken wings are a good shout- what sauce though ? We vibing with spicy wings?my fave finger food (if it counts ) is a bacon butty- might have one for breakfast if I can be bothered making it 😂😂.

Yeah the iihf being stupid rn, tho tbh I can’t see them not rescheduling at least the top women’s u18 games just cause of how much backlash they’ll get and the credibility they’ll lose. I hope they reschedule all the events though and put them in bubbles cause international hockey is the best man.

Hey hey that hurt! It’s completely right but ouch😂 At this point we tanking for the top draft pick there’s legit no point trying to save the season 😂😂. Women’s sports history is cool, I’ve done a paper on something similar and the dick Kerr ladies are v v cool to hear about.

What’s intramutuals? Also that sounds like it sucks to have sports cancelled, like bro just do winter sports that’s like canadas fave type right ? ( based off how y’all kill the Winter Olympics ) and aww noo I hope they lax the lockdown soon, lockdowns are the worsssst. Like let sports go onnnn.

Yeah I’ll miss the rivalry series but I am so excited for the Olympics! I’m trying to get a watching party (? Not party but like we all watch together ) with one of my teams going so that will be v v fun. I hope Canada or Finland or sweden win. (And Ik i shouldn’t support both Finland and Sweden bc they’re rivals but I will anyway ). Who would u cheer for if not Canada (soz if you’ve already answered this).

🏒🏒

Oh yeah for sure, there’s a big difference between turf and grass, on turf the ball travels faster and will bounce higher, and there’s a big difference in turf fields depending on how old/new they are or how well they’re maintained. Grass as well, if the grass hasn’t been cut or has been cut, the longer grass slows the ball down, but the ball speeds up like crazy when it rains on grass which it doesn’t with turf, but with grass fields you’ll get like divots or holes or like on some fields right on the goal line there’s a big hole where all the grass doesn’t grow anymore but the size differs, but sometimes there’s bald spots right in the middle, and some fields have slanted edges and there’s also a difference where some fields have fences around them so when the ball goes out of bounds it just hits the fence and you don’t have to run far to get it where some have no fence and you’re running into the dark forest to find it

I don’t have any opinions on cages I hate to say it, the helmet I used to wear when I skated had a wire cage but I very rarely attached it properly the helmet was also too big for me and I just wore toques underneath. For cleats, I can’t say I like a specific brand better than another, I had adidas cleats for a while because they were the less expensive kind and I did like them, I honestly just try all the brands and see which one fits me the best, I’m not a brand loyalty kinda gal, cleats should be snug like your foot shouldn’t be able to just move around a whole lot inside the chest, but not too tight that it hurts, and some cleats are thinner but longer but some are shorter but fatter, it depends on how your foot is, you also wanna make sure the back is the right size like not too low that you feel like your feet are slipping out or too high that you get blisters (I’m currently suffering through heel blisters I wanna die), it’s really personal preference but I will say I’ve never had an issue with a cheaper pair of cleats, so expensive is not better, my cheap cleats have not worn out faster than an expensive pair, and most of the time they fit better and are easier to play in, that’s my two cents sometimes things that are expensive are worse

Oh yeah I guess 5 pin isn’t as popular as I thought😂 basically you use smaller lanes and a smaller ball, like the 5 pin ball basically fits in your hand so there’s no holes like the giant 10 pin balls, and the lanes are smaller so you can only fit 5 pins in a triangle, the head pin is 5 points, the two middle ones are 3 and the corner ones are 2. If I played 10 pin I’d probably get a whopping 0 points because I’m too weak to lift the balls and I don’t know how to curl them 😂

We did use the softer ball 😂 we used a softball not a baseball 😂 but they still hurt but honestly anything can hurt if you hit it hard enough, my brother absolutely smoked me in the face with a whiffle ball once I think I went blind for a hot minute 😂 I was fine I just had a whiffle bruise on my face

Welp alright guess I’m channeling my ancestors and being a gb fan now

I dd’ed a lot and I still do, but not as much. The legal drinking age in Canada is 19 (18 in Quebec) but it’s legal if you’re 16 to drink on your own property with your parents permission so yeah I did get hammered at 16 at the summer family parties mistakes were made but I’m stronger for it 😂

I’m not a big fan of spicy things, I’m white and weak 😂😂 for chiccy wings I typically go for a honey garlic sauce sometimes a honey mustard, but I recently tried apple butter barbecue and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it so it’s now my new favourite sauce

Yeah I agree I hope they learn from this and do better in the future, first on not shitting on women and on how to run a tournament during a pandemic

Oh man I forget you don’t know about things that I do 😂 intramurals are basically like in university you have the university sports teams that you have to try out for and you compete against other schools, intramurals are basically for anyone you just sign up and get added to a team so no matter your skill you can play and it’s just for fun and you only play against other teams from your school, it’s for people who aren’t talented enough to make their actual school teams or people who don’t want to deal with the stress

And yeah 😂 it’s like winter more often than not here so we work more on our winter sports than our summer ones 😂

We’re supposed to be easing the lockdown soon but I doubt

Me and my roommates are so excited for the Olympics!! We’re gonna just have the stream constantly playing and watch it all the time, if I didn’t cheer for Canada I think I’d cheer for ….. hmm that’s a hard one, not the states because I hate them, but probably a European team I think it depends on what sport I’m watching you know, like once I start watching a sport if I notice Canada isn’t gonna win I pick a country that I think has a shot, for hockey I think I’d cheer for Finland after Canada even though we’re not friends I’d root for them over the states any day of the week and twice on Sunday

#asks #anonymous #hockey anon

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woolieshubris · 3 years

Text

Rating stims

Bec I cannot sleep

Tw // self inflicted harm stims!!! (Like b/it/ing)

Tagging w long post so block that :)

1) shuffling cards

I love it dearly Bec !!! So much fun, good flex. Ive shuffled so many cards I can shuffle them in the air now, I don't need a surface. Only thing is it's loud as hell and literally gives me blisters. One time I accidentally shuffled a deck I wasn't supposed to Bec I was nervous around my gf and I had to reorder the cards so like idk 8/10

2) pushing back nail beds

It started as a stim where I would floss w my finger nails, then devolved into just regular nail biting n then Bec I wear Invisalign I push back my nail beds w various tools. It is satisfying (currently!!!) And doesn't actually do much harm, but I've been trying to stop Bec it looks kind of ugly n I'm growing out my nails so like 2/10

3) face touchy/pully

Bad bad bad, it gives me acne n it is usually what ppl bully me over. It doesn't even feel good it's just involuntary :'// 0/10

4) pulling on wounds?? Idk how to describe

It feels good Bec after the pain it like numbs it out!! I have a bad habit of causing myself pain via making sh/t worse momentarily, like pushing on a bruise really hard or ripping off a blister. It feels nice tho so like. 6/10

5) smelling comfort objects/animals

I have 2 birds who I smell a lot, like something abt the bird smell is comforting. It's involuntarily too. They don't mind it but they get annoyed if I do it too much n will peck me so like 3/10 for comfort objects it's 10/10 like will perfectly fix everything!!!

6) playing rhythm games

I would rate this higher but it literally gave me carpal tunnel from obsessive playing AND it causes me to lose track of time a lot :') I love them tho!!! 9/10

7) typing on computer

YOOOOO I type hella loud but also IDC my friends on vc will just have to suffer idc 11/10

8) head/hairline scratch

Not great, I do it when I'm thinking/stressed and it's a very bad habit. My tests r covered in my dead skin :( 0/10

9) face nuzzle/shakes

When I'm really happy my body starts trembling or I like nuzzle in idk how to describe it but it's like I'm vibrating into place. Usually happens when I'm hugging a pillow or under a ton of blankets 12/10 very very good feels nice

10) magic cast hand

Naming it after how I originally started it!! When I was a kid I wondered what would happen if I decided to try and close and open my hand at the same time with all of my might, and it turns out it just looks like ur trying really hard to cast magic, so it kind of stuck Bec I was a huge fantasy nerd. I still do it Bec it feels great tho!! Would reccomend trying to open and close ur hand at the same time 10/10

11) throwing something as hard as you can

Would be rated higher except for these two facts, one, I cannot throw very far, and two, my arm literally pops out of its sockets when I throw as hard as I can. Idk why but it feels nasty 2/10

12) dancing to music

Would also b rated higher if I wasn't so self conscious abt it. I am terrified of this and singing in front of people. When I'm alone it is great tho!! Love it 7/10

I am going to sleep now! Sorry for the long post !!! I'll prob add some more tmmr ❤️

#woolies asd ramblings #actuallyautistic #long post

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lunavadash-creates · 3 years

Note

OH NOOOO, you haven’t seen LOTR? You are lucky you are my precious human being and I have soft spot on you, so I’ll be able to live with that fact. Universe created by Tolkien is afjsgirwLnjfaojlove and it’s the very best thing that happened to me. Lol. Highly recommend, 12/10.

Woah, woah, woah! You haven’t said a word you are studying at two universities at the same time! Geez, how are you doing this! Tell me everything! It can’t be easy to study like that! oO

Well.. I ended my adventure on uni because of my depression and anxiety like… two years ago? I got my bachelor degree and started master degree, but my mental health knocked me down. So I am full-time adult right now. Sometimes I am thinking about coming back to uni, but I literally have no time for anything. Last months are really intensive in my work. So my plans for these months are simple – I am going to overwork myself lol. However my friends were talking about weekend in Rome or Venice since we fell in love with Italy, so who knows! 😊 Beside this, I don’t think you are talking about yourself a lot. So don’t worry about it! I am really curious by nature and I love to hear what people have to say. And if you want to tell me all those things, it is some kind of compliment towards me, right? 😊

Don’t feel any pressure with writing! Take your time, good things need time! And your writing is worth waiting! You always make me screaming internally whenever you post anything. It all is SO FREAKING GOOD. I’ll spam you with other requests when you’ll be back for good.

So prepare yourself.

Yes, you should envy me. The night sky was amazing. All those stars, that thunderstorm.. I have goosebumps while thinking about it. Last time I saw such beautiful sky I was in my place on Earth and it was something worth remembering too!

Have a wonderful day/night Luna!

🔪

KNIFEY! 💜 💜 💜

I've seen the very first part of LOTR and I actually plan to watch the rest. But it was weird to watch it because I spotted all those memes with Gandalf and Frodo. It was fun tho. So so long but fun!

And yes. I was studying at 2 universities and studying Japanese in other school on weekends and yes. Im full time crazy but since i graduated im left with 1 uni so it will be easy peasy lemon squeazy, especially that its a bachelor year and I will write thesis on Assassins Creed 😂

Im sorry you left uni but im also glad you have a job! Please, dont over work yourself too much 🥺 pretty please? I know you are an amazing human being and anxiety is a bitch.

As for a trip. Honestly I reccomend Venice its so so so beautful! Like gods. The canals, bridges, amazing ice cream and od course VENICE MASKS! They are so beautiful. I highly reccomend Venice, truly. I think you would really like it!

As for writing. I need ti pressure myself a bit because... Hello anxiety my old friend. I need to beat it and be more productive, but its fine. When I see a request im always so happy because I have a literal reason to write and it just feels good.

Once again thank you Knifey. You are always so supportive and amazing! 💜

And since you asked for pictures a have a few but I will post them either in the evening or when Im back. For now ill givr you pic of an animal from Prague Zoo! Also bonus - Edward's Pheasant. I couldnt take a decent photo because it was behind this vire fence ;;

Have an amazing day my dear! 💜 Im looking forward talking to you more, because you are literally one of my favourite people in the universe 💜🥺🐰

#Knifey #Ask

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

OKAY ANWYAYS its 10:57 p.m. Wednesday June 23

I'm gonna start writing my entry now so that later I'm not too exhausted to actually TALK about stuff.

Yesterday Bee gave me a link to watch Supernatural on my computer so later tonight I probably will.

I'm in class right now, we just had a test on evolution (boring) and I studied some of the book State And Revolution by Lenin (I also took notes) (he's 100 percent correct by the way)

I just had a wonderful discussion with my friend on Instagram XD it was kinda funny. I dont have much else to say Yet. I'm having a coffee and listening to Samaris

I guess that will be my song recommendation for today since I'm listening to it right now XD

Also my parents said yes to letting me go to Jay's house to watch Insidious after school, I just gotta be back for supper! I'm excited abt that... cos he is actually like. The best. So in honour of that or whatever I'm giving yall TWO song recs today... also I dont think I gave one yesterday so here is Jay's fave song XD we gave different taste you'll notice,,, if you pay attention to the stuff I reccomend

Like he listens to old stuff XD he liked this weezer song from my playlist so you get the vibes. WEEZER IS GOOD THO omg thank u K (I'm just gonna call him K) for recommending me weezer! I knew a radiohead fan would give me good music lol.

Actually I talked to K a while ago and told him about how insanely transgender the song Bodysnatchers is and he was like wow so true so I figured I'd tell yall to listen to this if ur trans because like I know everyone's got a #different experience but for me I was like holy Shit this is so trans

Anwyays idk it makes more sense if u listen to the LYRICS.

Please I'm supposed to talk about my DAY now we are onto music oh well I guess it happens sometimes plus I'm bored I hate bio class

Okay so now we have come to the thesis that kinks are contagious wow fun times in the insta chat XD

It's now 4:16 p.m. I'm back from school! Turns out I couldn't go over to Jay's cos he has work :( which made me a bit sad BUT IT'S OKAY! We can always hang out another time you know?

I'm just studying right now for my final exam... TOMMOROW

Update: 8:15 p.m.

I'm out biking. We've mildly vandalized a school, I'll attach images after I remove the exit data... it probably doesnt count as VANDALISM tho like it can easily be washed off.

My sister made some new friends her age and whatnot. Idk, just regular stuff.

Update: 10:43 p.m. I was frustrated while studying because some of the questions are stupid and I'm stupid and I cant remember TWO ENTIRE UNITS so that's fun. I got really upset. Idk.

Also Star is kinda being bitchy. Like, I know shes upset cos I dont give her enoguh attention but like... do YOU give me attention? Like, shes always so mean out of the blue, even if I try to be nice or if I'm BUSY AND NOT IGNROING HER, BUT BUSY... and it puts me off and it makes me not wanna talk to her like what's the point in saying "hey how was ur day?" If shes gonna act like a bitch to me :| I just dont understand like if she wants soemthing she should say it outright and PUT SOME EFFORT in jesus christ.

Sorry. I dont hate her and I'm not mad at her, I'm just fed up! I'm tired!!! Okay??? Am I not allowed to be exhausted sometimes?

Whatever. I mean at least I got to drink monster.

I gotta start dieting again cos I'm gaining weight :( and its upsetting me

Anyways this whole thing with Jay and Star is kinda confusing and dramatic and I'm kinda tired idk. Its MY OWN FAULT but I just want to be able to. Idk. Not hurt anyone. Whatever. It's too late now and it's not really worth trying anymore.

I hope Jay doesn't just totally ditch me when he goes to college... :( I would be so sad... it's a good thing I can spam his number and insta XD

Wish me luck on my final exam. I need it.

And if anyone knows any good ways to avoid cutting myself, TELL ME!!! Because DAMN I really want to go spend all my money on a four dollar knife/steal a knife then SLICE MYSELF UP. SO BAD. jesus.

I think I should just die I'm actually a horrible person.

Update: its 11:22 p.m. and my parents are FUCKING ARGUING AGAIN JESUS CHRIST JUST FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY. I wish my lil sister didn't have to hear this shit... oh well. I'm already a shitty influence anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

... have you ever seen your parents CRY? Because I have. And jesus christ it's the actual worst thing ever. Especially if you're young. Especially if it's YOUR fault... Especially if it's over shit you could barely even comprehend because of your age. Money. Shit like that. They LOOK at you with this expression, like a fucking wounded animal. It's the expression of someone just totally fucking defeated. The expression of soemone who is frightened. And its fucking scary, especially when it's your fault.

My mom does this every time she sees I've cut myself again. I hate it. Makes me wanna cut more because STOP IT. she always looks dESTROYED. It's the worst.

Sometimes they argue and fight and shit and they yell at you yell at you Yell at you scare you into submission and fuck having angry parents is terrifying because they're suppsoed to protect you and be understanding and gentle with you, the child, the cattle of the shepard, the egg of the black goat... ESPEICALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN. Every time you cry they get angrier and angrier, every time you wear what u wanna wear they get angrier and angrier, every time you are ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WISH YOU WERE... they get angry. You start to feel like maybe they dont ACTUALLY love you. There is a disconnect between what you need and what you are given. What you see in media and what you see at home. You start to feel like shit.

Eventually you learn that if you dont want the head of your favourite stuffed animal twisted off or your sisters barbie doll thrown out the window in a moving car or to be verbally insulted or to have them do SCARY things like make moves toward you before they remember they aren't suppsoed to hit you and just punishment that's emotionally fucking damaging all those words that you remember years later but they don't, every time they tell you they wish you were dead.... you gotta be quiet. Shut up. Do as you're told and don't say a fucking WORD. good boy. Upset? Don't tell them. Don't cry in front of them. Say nothing. Maintain the illusion, it'll keep you safe.

Soon enough your entire life is a secret and you need therapy but can't get it and wow, I wonder why I'm like this? I fucking wonder.

They aren't even arguing anymore but I wish they would shut up because I dont wanna hear their voices its making me ANXIOUS...

Sometimes I feel like I never got to develop past a certain point in childhood. Maybe 5, 10, 3, 6, I dont fucking know. Over 2 and under 10. Like my brain is emotionally stuck there and all of my behaviour is stuck there too. Sometimes if shit hurts me in ANY WAY I just sorta allow the bad hurt to happen. I tell myself, endure. Stay quiet, don't say a word. I've trained myself this way and now it's hard to learn to be loud and talk to people and be my own self without being scared. And part of this... is why I appreciate my friends and JAY. Jay, who always makes sure I'm okay. And everyone I know who likes to drop into my messages every once in a while to see how I'm doing... everyone who never forgets about me.

I'm actually so fucking appreciative of all my friends.

I don't know. I just... wish it was easier to sort out my shit but I guess not

Update: it's now 3:09 a.m. and I'm so fucking tired but whatever. I talked to Jay and it's hard to say much because I'm so tired but FUCK I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST IM IN LOVE?!?!?!!! goddamnit it I just wanna be with him constantly...

Also I told him I was worried and he said, with his cute fucking voice, that I shouldnt worry cos he wouldnt just leave me. And. ThaNK YOU JAY. IF YOURE READING THIS, THANK YOU. Sometimes I get this dude's messages and just fucking smile. Hes the best and I love him. His whole self is a thing of beauty that I admire so much hes so charismatic and attractive and CUTE and I always tell him he's overconfident but MAN if i was that guy I'd be such a douchebag from confidence... dont tell him that though, xD like man I'm trying my best but at this point I wouldnt know what to fucking do if he went away. Like I'd cry so much.... I hope he doesnt move on from me too quick.

I'm so. I feel happy. Because I'm looking at everything and I feel so happy I'll cry and so sad I'll laugh. It's like being in a shitty coming of age movie where they play pop punk and the main character has his moment with the hot girl at the school dance or whatever bullshit. I feel like that. But its also like that same main character in his late forties stumbling upon an old photo of him and his highschool girlfriend and killing himself from love.

Here's what I'm listening to now... this plus a bunch of nostlagia inducing songs earlier... I just. Memories. So many. I almsot want to cry. Like. Look at them. Hold them in your hands as if they're these lovely little stones you found on the ground and put in your pockets cos they had cool stripes. Feel their WEIGHT. It's one of those things where it's so happy it's sad. It's so sad its happy. You're laughing and crying all at once and all you want is a hug. Because you can FEEL the human parts of you coming out, seeping out like a styro, starts off white then... blood. Humanity. I am vulnerable and exposed and I leave myself here.

HAN LEID, HAN LEID, HAN LEID,... han varr.

He walked, he walked, he walked,... he became.

I guess I'm still walking. But jesus christ. People affect me so much. So much. These memories, how it was cold or sunset or hot outside or nighttime and dark, how we were there as humans. I'd never be happier than in those little moments but you don't see it until years later. You don't see how important it was until you think of it and cry... fucking hell. Nils, Mark, Gabe, Max, James, Kyle, Liz,, every friend I've ever had. Nothing is better than music and memories because jesus christ I would've loved to have... died.

Died? No. My brain does this thing... I dont mean died. I guess I mean I wouldve liked to be frozen in those moments.

Sometimes I get a similar feeling. It's not the same, but its similar. This thing where you are so happy and grateful and sad because this is a tragedy and wow look. A happy moment in a tragedy. But jesus its happy enough and I want to cry because I really do appreciate the people who's lives cross paths with mine. I cry because I think of every little moment in which I knew that I wasnt alone and every little moment in which I felt their SOUL with mine and every little moment where my heart was touched... even unintentionally and in ways that dont make sense.

There was a girl, I'll call her Jade, I came out to her before anyone else. And sometimes, in the back of my head, I play that moment. In my mind. It was over fucking Skype. But I still felt it.

Oh man... I should proabably tell my coming out story. The story of how I came out to my parents. I was scared. I really was... but I felt like if I couldn't be ME, I couldn't live, or at least I didn't want to.

This was the song I played as I wrote a letter at... around this time actually, 3 or 4 am

I wrote it so spontaneously. I didn't even THKNK. I just wrote it. Because I was tired of crying myself to sleep every night and well... I had camp the next morning. That gave them a solid week or so to think about my letter... that would ensure they would be able to cool off whatever anger it would make them feel.

I wrote on one sheet of sketchbook paper front and back. I tried my best to explain. I tried my best. And that paper is stained with tears and still rests in my moms sock drawer

The whole thing got complicated after that... but in the end it worked out, with a lot of fucking work and persistence on my part.

Soemtimes I hope they look at it and cry themselves like how I did writing it.

Sometimes I just wish things were different. But they're not. I gotta deal with this.

But hey! Hey! We were happy earlier. Because... I dont kNow. I love everyone and I love the planet and i never want anyone to have to be hurt. Okay??? I love. Everyone.

Its hyperbole but still. I just want the best for everyone and I hate when other people are suffering cos it makes me upset. And. I don't know. I feel so... emotional right now. Like right now? I just want to hug everyone. And tell them that I'm here. And that it's okay. Look at me, dude! Look at me. I fucking made it... kinda. You can too! If you're reading this and you feel like shit... pull through. Please. I believe you can. I love you ANF I care about you and if you ever need help, message me.

Whatever I just. I dont know. I feel all like I just want everyone to be happy and at peace.... because I remember SO MUCH and all of it is making me cry a lot because I'm full of love okay? Like. I just care about people. I had to say goodbye to all of them but I don't fucking forget. I NEVER FORGET. It's a curse and... right now? The saddest blessing ever.

I had to say goodbye... yknow, I've never been good at goodbyes. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to Jay for a while. A long time. And when we do... I hope I can listen to his song and think of him and pull out every memory as perfectly as I can for everyone else. I just. I don't know. I see all these people in my mind, in flashes and it all comes flooding back to me. That isnt just a face. That was my friend and now they're gone. That was my friend and now? Not a word from them... that was my best friend and now its awkward. I don't want that anymore.. its painful. All of these people that have forgotten me years ago... who I still remember. Ouch. I dont know. I think I'm being dramatic because tlaking to Jay and being sleep deprived made me all mushy and then I listened to music. So.

Music makes everything feel so much more consuming but I cant live without it.

I dont even know

I'm just happy that I get to experience love.

Even if in the very end I am left alone... even if I'm tormented with memories of a happiness that can only be temporary,,,

I still appreciate it all and I'm full of love and appreciation I'm happy and i want to say THANK YOU to everyone

Signing off at 3:50 a.m,

Jude Shepard

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transarchivist · 4 years

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do you have any podcasts recs? I want to listen to archive 81 but I need some backup and I've already listened to the more "famous" ones, like all of them I binge podcasts like they pay me for me it ajsjjshfje

!!!! ok i'm sorry it's taken me a hot minute to get to you BUT i think i have a good amount of reccomendations :o

these first few are kinda "famous" but i thought i'd point em out just in case! some of them ended a few years ago and they were more well known back when they were running

wolf 359: gotta point this one out juuuust in case you haven't listened to it! amazing sci fi... would drama be the right word? it's very intense and has some really interesting meditations on morality and the self But it's also so extremely funny. complete, ended in 2017

ars paradoxica: america during the cold war, the red scare, intense government conspiracies.... And Time Travel! complicated but amazing plot and a big cast- i would recommend not pausing and listening to something else, it gets complex! mischa stanton directed it so you Know it has stellar sound design (added bonus: lgbt main characters) complete, ended in 2018

the bright sessions: people with superpowers go to therapy! plus: shadowy capitalistic conspiracies, amazing romances and phenomenal character development! i'm not a fan of romances and i Loved the ones here (it's not heavily romance focused though!) (added bonus: lgbt main characters + main lgbt romance) complete, ended in 2018. i think a spin off series is running rn tho!

the adventure zone: this isn't an audio drama, it's an actual play d&d podcast! the first season (balance) is amazing- hilarious and heart wrenching! (the heart wrenching takes a while to kick in but MAN it's so good) the first season ended in 2017. i haven't finished the second big season (amnesty) but i loved what i did listen to, same with the currently running season (graduation)

sayer: starts off as sinister night vale but with an ai and in space, evolves into a complicated save-the-world plot concerning several ais. it's in second person and it's Amazing! lots of meditations on the self and personhood. currently on hiatus but will be ending when it resumes

alice isn't dead: from the people who did night vale! starts as a trucker trying to find her wife, evolves to include shadowy government conspiracies and the power of regular people banding together. ending made me tear up it's really good! it's Big on the horror (the first ep is the only podcast that's ever truly scared me and it continues to scare the shit out of me to this day) but its Extremely Good Horror. very americana too! complete, ended in 2018.

ok that's the more well known ones out of the way, i think? i'm not too confident about how well known some of them are nowadays ^^' all i can say is that i heard abt them frequently in 2016. now onto the lesser known ones ! the ones that are complete are generally pretty short listens (relatively- they're still a good handful of hours at the least)

zero hours: by the wolf 359 people, it's a short anthology that released all at once last year. to pharaphrase/quote the official blurb: each episode is a take on the end of the world, whether the apocalypse is planetary or personal. each episode is separated by 99 years, starting in the past (1722) reaching the present and then overtaking it. surprisingly hopeful ending, made me <:')

i am in eskew: you've probably heard me holler about this before- it follows the trials and tribulations of david ward, who lives in the nightmarish and otherworldly city of eskew. 30 episodes long and complete, with a phenomenal ending! i can't rave about this enough i could Keep talking but i'll cut myself short. it's horror and it's damn good horror! does deal with extremely heavy topics, please be careful!

janus descending: sci fi horror with what has to be the most interesting formatting i've seen in ages: the two points of view alternate each episode... but one is chronological and one is backwards! amazingly done, keeps you guessing until the end! complete. follows peter and chel as they undertake a survey mission on an alien planet

midnight radio: made by @/theradioghost! big on the idea that "all ghost stories are love stories". a 1950s radio hostess gets letters from a fan. horror, big on the 1950s aesthetics, focus on the relationship between one and one's hometown. lovely ending! it's sapphic too :]

the far meridian: by the same people who did ars paradoxica! follows peri, a bit of a hermit who has extreme social anxiety, who lives in a lighthouse that suddenly begins to teleport. each morning peri wakes up and the lighthouse is in a different place! there are like... some horror elements? kinda? but it's not intense imo. it mainly follows peri learning to cope with her anxiety & helping others, with each episode usually having a one off encounter (usually pretty strange!) often has wholesome vibes. s3 is currently in production and is the final season. plus: lgbt characters, and kinda spoilers but peri uses a cane later on!

old gods of appalachia: honestly it's what it says on the tin! a collection of short stories set in historical appalachia that deal with entities beyond human understanding. they're good about trigger warnings, but it's Horror. produced by actual appalachians! stellar music, a Lot strong female characters, and a good amount of lgbt rep! killer music!! it's currently releasing but the latest short story is finished. (do listen in order though!)

the deep vault: by the archive 81 team! in an "almost-post-apocalyptic" america a group of friends chase a rumor about a secret hidden vault, only to Find it! follows the group as they traverse the deep vault. horror, actively points out capitalism a Lot, definetly has an interesting ending! amazing sound design, which is to be expected from dan powell!

tides: the official blurb is short and sweet: "tides is the story of dr. winnifred eurus, a xenobiologist stuck on an unfamiliar planet with hostile tidal forces". extremely snarky and endearing main character and fascinating worldbuilding! i don't know the status of s2, but s1 was really good!

limetown: follows one lia haddock, a public radio reporter, as she tries to unravel the mystery of what happened at limetown. all she knows is that 10 years prior, over 300 men, women and children vanished. horror, mystery, and some sci fi elements. presented in a found footage kinda way. i really enjoyed it, especially the first season. complete.

mabel: horror (big on the haunted house type specifically), sapphic romance, fun take on the fair folk/fae! follows anna limon, an in home carer who's trying to get in touch with her client's estranged granddaughter. evolves into a big fae-horror-romance-thing! really interesting romance tbh. amazing imagery and prose- lots of prose + almost poetry, but it's really good i promise. currently on a post season hiatus

spines: horror but it evolves past just horror in an interesting way (keeping the horror bits, of course). follows wren, who woke up in an attic surrounded by the remains of a cult ritual without any memories of who she is or what she was doing. she searches for answers, encountering creepy shit along the way. really interesting take on the super-secret-organization-that's-always-been-there trope! really good ending. one of the main characters is nonbinary + there's other lgbt main characters.

mirrors: by the people who did spines. also starts as horror but evolves past just horror (it's also sci fi). follows three women in three different centuries who are all experiencing the same haunting. phenomenal take on ghosts! like i can't articulate how cool this angle on ghosts is! s3 is supposed to start this year :] one of the main characters is sapphic, and her wife is a supporting character.

the six disappearances of ella mccray: also by the people who did spines and mirrors. evolves past just horror but keeps more of the horror elements? follows the 6 povs of the people who witnessed the surreal disappearance of ella mccray. each saw something different and surreal, and as they search for her, surreal things start happening to them. unsure abt the status of s3 but s1 and s2 are really good! lgbt main characters, including a trans lesbian (played by a trans woman!)

the bridge: horror. follows the crew of watchtower 10 on the transcontinental bridge that spans across the atlantic ocean. i listened to it back in like 2016-2017 so my memory is hazy, but i remember really enjoying it! currently on hiatus.

within the wires: sci fi... horror..? i listened to the first season a few years ago and enjoyed it and i've continued to hear really good things. it's by the people who make night vale! my memory isn't great but iirc the first season is a sort of romance that's formatted as a set of relaxation/meditation cassettes. it's a few seasons in and i think each is generally self contained, im unsure if it's currently running or not

the orbiting human circus of the air: also by the night vale people! again i listened to this a few years ago so im hazy. follows julian the janitor who works at a radio station that broadcasts from the top of the eiffel tower! surreal but in a wholesome way, iirc! i remember tearing up with happy tears at the s1 finale ^^' really good music! i think the second(?) season ended recently

stellar firma: i've only listened to a handful of episodes, but i've liked what i've heard. sci fi improv comedy that follows the newly made clone david 7 and the mess that is trexel geistman as they try and design custom planets. i think it's currently running but i dunno

rusty quill gaming: also another one that i've only listened to a few episodes of. actual play pathfinder (basically d&d) podcast set on an alternate earth. alex newall (martin's voice actor) is the dm. i've heard really good things from a lot of people! i think it's currently running but again i don't know for sure

right! that's. that's what i got.

i mentioned @/theradioghost earlier (shes behind midnight radio) but i would absolutely recommend looking at her rec list tag! she has impeccable taste

#ask #anon #podcast recs #cae speaks #mine #long post #<- incase the read more doesnt work

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