#it’s about the self hatred it’s about john being the very thing he fears | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boywifesammy · 9 months

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imagine repressed & closeted transfem dean who never figures it out. imagine the sheer amount of guilt, fear, self-hatred and disgust he’d feel at what he is. big, clunky, dangerous. he takes comfort in his power, but it makes him feel sick. when he looks into the mirror and sees his hard edges, his body feels like it’s trying to rip open from the inside, yet he has no idea why.

dean plays his father’s wife until he dies. he takes care of sam and raises him as if he’s his own son. he’s a housewife in everything but reality. he desperately wants family, desperately wants to nurture, but his body isn’t built for that.

he’s taught by john and the world that he has to be strong. he has to be a man. he can never show emotion, because it’ll only be a weakness, and weakness is deadly. dean can never have a family because his body is wrong and he can never love like a woman because he cannot be weak.

so dean holds tight to those little moments of female connection with sam and his father like a dirty secret. he lays in bed at night and pretends he doesn’t think about being softer and lovelier. he stares at himself in motel mirrors until it makes him sick. he builds muscle and crops his hair short because this thing inside of him terrifies the hell out of him and he has to do anything to keep it at bay.

women comment on his looks a lot. when he’s young, they call him pretty, beautiful, gorgeous. they compliment his soft green eyes and plush lips and spattering of freckles. secretly, dean loves it. it makes that thing inside of him flare up in joy, which is why he knows that this is dangerous, and not something to be indulged. he stays up at night obsessing. shaves every morning and runs his fingers over his soft cheeks, flutters his long eye lashes, tries to find the soft edges of his cheekbones.

this thing is slowly eating away at him. the closer he gets to it the more volatile he feels. he jerks off under the blankets with a hand over his mouth to stifle the gasping, whimpery sounds he makes. the sound of his own voice scares him. his throat chokes up when a guy hits on him and john gives him a glare. one time he puts a finger up his ass and comes so hard that he sees stars, not because of the stimulation, but just from the idea of being wet and slick and pliant between his legs.

dean loves women and it makes him feel sick to the very core. he wishes that he loved women in a normal way. instead, he sees their curvy bodies and an awful, disgusting mixture of greed-lust-jealousy rocks through him. it’s all a strange, roundabout way of wrecking himself, because it’s extremely easy to play the role they want him to play, but god if it doesn’t hurt like hell.

dean loves fucking women. he’s desperate in bed but he’s always sure to be gentle with his thrusts. it makes him feel less disgusting. he likes shoving his face into a chick’s pussy, eating her out until she’s dripping, or nuzzling into the crook of her neck as he fucks her wet cunt. he likes listening to their gasping whines and moans. the feeling of it all makes his teeth clench with guilt; her cunt on his dick, his strong thighs, the way she keeps moaning his name. but it’s so easy to pretend in moments like these.

dean puts his face into her hair, and smells her citrus shampoo as she wails out cries. he doesn’t imagine being her, but he focuses on her noises, on the softness of her body and the wetness of her pussy. he always cums silently, his entire body quivering and shaking, because he’s too scared of the noise that’d come out of his mouth if he opened it.

when rhonda hurley makes him wear her panties, he nearly throws up on her carpet from how hard his heart is beating. they’re silky on his dick. rhonda calls him pretty, beautiful, she strokes at his flaccid penis through the panties and kisses messy lines up his belly. dean is hard and shivering by the end of her teasing, leaking through the panties and flushed from head to toe.

rhonda is both the best fuck that dean ever has and his worst fears coming to life. she calls him good girl as he fucks her. it ends embarrassingly early. when dean cums, it’s with a gasping cry of her name and a girly little keen that haunts his nightmares. he doesn’t remember ever cumming so hard in his life. he shook with aftershocks for minutes after, dazed and disgusted with himself.

rhonda gives dean her number. he never calls her back. after dean leaves that town, he burns the panties and stops shaving his stubble so short. memories of rhonda make him angry. he sinks into hunting and drinks until he’s cross-eyed. dean takes solace in the horror of violence. he bathes himself in that disgust and he feels right at home in the middle of it.

sometimes, dean can’t sleep at night from how sick he feels. he tries to figure out why, but he can’t place the reason. it eats him up inside. makes him feel like a monster. he thinks that he may just be a disgusting freak of a man.

as dean gets older the comments about him getting pretty melt away. he knows he’s objectively extremely attractive, in a male model sort of way, but it doesn’t match up with the images in his head.

the thoughts get more and more humiliating as time goes on. he’s not a twink anymore and he can’t be fantasizing about being fem, but he can’t stop it. he stays up at night itching in his own skin, brutally aware that he’d look hideous and disgusting in anything girly. his body is too big and bulky. he’s a freak for being into that sort of thing.

dean eventually admits to himself that he might be a little gay. he keeps it on the dl, visits gay bars when they hit more liberal cities, and doesn’t ever repeat the same place. he likes being dressed up and bent over. he chalks it all up to a crossdressing fetish, and while that’s humiliating and sickening, it’s easier than having to deal with whatever it is that’s going on with him.

dean aches inside perpetually because he is flawed. he wants to hold his child in his arms and wear dresses and flirt shamelessly with men. he knows he’s a freak for it but he’s accepted that he’s going to perpetually live with this pain.

he gets older and older and the dysphoria gets so fucking bad that he can’t even look in the mirror anymore, but it doesn’t matter at this point. he’s completely disconnected himself from his body. he’s a sick, perverted freak in the body of a man and none of it feels right. he uses his body like a tool, a weapon, and he purposefully keeps it masculine and well-toned to push back any illusions that he’s anything but a man.

and sometimes, he’ll go to gay bars and let himself get railed to incoherence. he’ll drive three towns over while sam’s asleep and put on his makeup in an alleyway nearby. he always looks for men bigger than him. men who’ll call him pretty and beautiful and treat his ass like a cunt.

and if he’s lucky, maybe they’ll let some other words slip. maybe they’ll call him babygirl or darling or play with his pecs like tits as they pound him deep. and sometimes, if he’s really lucky, he’ll get to wear something pink and lacy. sheer panties. a bralet. stockings or a necklace.

he always cums in the first few minutes on those nights. he doesn’t mind being fucked until the other guy finishes, as long as he keeps calling him a good girl for taking it.

dean always throws up in the club bathroom afterwards. he spends hours wiping off all the makeup from his face and sleeps in the impala for the night. he gives himself another wipe the morning after and tells sam that he was out with a one night stand. it technically isn’t a lie.

one time, sam makes a joke about dean being a woman. he pushes. he calls him a pretty lady, and dean is horrified when his eyes wet a bit at it. he can’t take it. he starts the fight, but sam wins it. he pins dean down and starts to yell at him. then he sees that dean is crying. he isn’t making any noise or shaking, but his cheeks are wet.

don’t, is all he says. it hurts like hell to get out. sam seems confused, but he doesn’t question it. he doesn’t make the joke again. dean forgets about the whole thing and pretends he doesn’t feel the weird looks sam sends him sometimes.

dean dies like that, alone and angry, in a body that’s all hard edges and grief and hatred.

he’s the same in heaven. he can’t imagine being any other way. he doesn’t even know what he wants, what would make him happy. most days, he’s happy with driving his impala aimlessly, drinking while watching sunsets and tuning into the world around him. thinking, and thinking, and thinking. about rhonda hurley and her satin panties and his father and the soft, warm thing buried inside of him.

dean doesn’t know why he feels sick inside when he looks at himself, but he’s too broken to ever figure it out. the only thing that he knows is that he doesn’t feel guilt the same in heaven. that means that when he has those strange dreams of warm kisses, strong arms around his tiny waist, and the warm, beating heat of his child’s heart against his own pillowed chest, he can spend some time in bed in the morning trying to recollect the memories without hating himself for it.

#oc #supernatural #spn meta #transfem dean winchester #mtf dean winchester #sam winchester #character analysis #trans headcanon #me ramblibg incoherently again about tbe nuance and intricacy of trans winchesters #this ended up WAYYY longer than i intended #but god my heart HURTS just thinking about her #transfem dean is so uniquely devastating she tears me up inside #i use he/him prns for her here because it works better with context #and she never actually comes to terms with her gender #but god i love her to bits she’s my little girlie

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celluloidbroomcloset · 3 months

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I think most people are just trying to say that Ed does enjoy some of the activities that they do in ep. 8. That it's just a plain fact that he dose. And because Jack is there, it does result in "Ed having some fun with Jack". And they mention the other crew members, as examples, as also having some fun, because the whole show I think portrays all pirates as being a bit "edgy"? Like, they all like to have some fun in ways that would be considered "not okay" if they weren't in the "dark humoured silly pirate show". You know what I mean? Like, it's established in ep 2. that Wee John likes to blow up/burn things. The others are very keen on torturing the hostages. Ed's own enthusiasm about being stabbed in ep 6 also goes here. Like, we can infer from how he talks about this, and the amount of scars on his stomach, that he just likes to do that almost out of fun? What I mean is, that almost every character is shown to enjoy some "darker hobbies". And that Jack isn't a bad person necessarily for doing these; it's shown that he's bad because he takes these to the extreme, and because he's very sneakily (someone put it as him being "massive aggressive") and deliberately antagonizes Stede. People aren't saying that Calico Jack isn't in the wrong. They are just saying that it's a fact that ed was having at least a bit of fun. I think saying that he wasn't having fun at all would "uwu-ify" him and erase some of his characterization. It sounds like as if you are saying "Ed never did anything wrong, and he was just pear pressured into everything". Which I know is not what you wanna say.

At no point did I say that Ed was peer-pressured into everything, but he is undoubtedly manipulated into behaving in ways that he seems to want to cease ("I've mellowed"), and that ultimately contribute to his self-hatred. That, I think, is pretty important, especially given that the second act ends with him leaving out of fear that Stede is going to realize just what a horrible person he truly is (again, I would like to hear other interpretations of that scene, if there are any).

Again, we may be using the word "fun" in rather different contexts, because my point was that the entire trajectory was Ed discovering that the things he thought were fun, had been taught were fun, actually...were not. And that is what he experiences, in increasing ways, as he engages with Jack.

This is a man we see haunted by the violence he committed and who is later suicidal over having to commit it again, because that all he thinks he is. Jack and what he represents is very much a part of Ed's eventual spiral, because he is representative of the only kind of male intimacy that Ed has been allowed in the context of piracy, and perhaps the only kind of love that he thought he could have.

It's extraordinarily complex and says a lot about Ed's psyche and what he thinks he deserves. Which is not a flattening of his characterization; just an assertion that the man he thought was his friend abuses him. Like another supposed friend with whom Jack is explicitly allied.

Jack's behavior is very closely connected to Hornigold and to Izzy, and forms a deeper connection to the violence and pain that Ed has come to associate about relationships between men. Jack's games are deliberately hurtful, both to other people participating, and to Stede, who chooses not to participate.

I've written a good bit about why I think Ed wants to be stabbed by Stede. You can read some of it here, which also includes links to other discussions. You need not agree with me, but my point there was that Ed's only language for wanting to be held by Stede is through violent games. He wants intimacy and cannot ask for it, so he gains it via being hurt. That's not about fun; it's about a man who wants to be touched and cannot ask for it outside of pain, because that's the primary way he understands intimacy.

And boy, I sure think that's an association we can extend to his relationship with Jack.

Jack is an abuser, which i think most of us agree on. Not because he's a pirate, but because he's a vicious bully (which none of the other Revenge crew are) who enjoys causing pain, both physical and psychological, and expects others to sit and take it. I think we could go into the different ways that this show represents acceptable and unacceptable violence, but I don't really feel like doing that in the context of an ask (entirely because it takes more space and time than I feel I can do right now and this is already getting too long). Jack's violence and antagonism is not solely against Stede; it is against Ed. Jack abuses Ed. Jack shows a deep contempt for Ed, just as Izzy does, and a desire to own and manipulate Ed, and he plays on Ed's insecurities and even his kindness, just as thoroughly as he plays on Stede's. This seems likely to be something he has done before, and it amounts to emotional coercion.

Ed and Jack’s games are framed as part of the abuse they suffered under Hornigold, and Ed’s reaction to Jack’s description of the violence Ed has committed in the past clearly makes Ed go internal. I’ve no clue why that continues to be ignored in the context of this discussion.

Part of what happens throughout Season 1 is a highlighting of abuse, what is considered normal in piracy, and how those behaviors are damaging to the people engaging in them. We see Roach increasingly falling in love with cooking, and Wee John taking up knitting. I'm not sure how you could argue that their "darker hobbies" are not a result of the internalized abuse of piracy, which is part of what Stede is explicitly fighting against and of which Jack is a representative. Jack's presence is very much shown as a regression, causing damage to what Stede had been trying to create with his crew, and eventually causing suffering and death. Jack is not their buddy. He is a ringleader.

None of this is me saying "the Revenge pirates are all really sweet and gentle and never do anything wrong until Jack comes along." They're fucking pirates. They do pirate things. And the show frames those pirate things and the "fun" Jack has, and the effect it has on everyone, as two very different things (just as Stede’s passive aggression on the French ship is framed differently to Jack’s description of burning people alive). To flatten Jack into just some old frat bro that Ed is still buddies with but has grown out of in favor of settling down is to eliminate the complexity of the theme of abuse and, in turn, Ed's psychology.

It is entirely possible that I've misunderstood or misinterpreted people's comments, and I'm certainly guilty of trying to distill some complex arguments down or combining them with others, probably a bit too much and a bit unfairly. Can't avoid the fact that this entire debate is goddamn upsetting to me, and there’s every likelihood I’m overreacting. I do not want this to end in a bunch of people I really respect and like getting pissed at me.

I'm not going to comment on whether this particular ask is a true representation of what others have said/thought, because I truly do not know. I will just say that what you are describing does indeed minimize Jack's bullying not just of Stede but of Ed, and of the crew, and in part does seem to ignore or minimize the apparent need Ed has to be loved without pain, as well as his hope that he might be something other than the monster that Jack so clearly makes him out to be. To continue to couch this as “but Ed has fun with Jack” is, I think, to miss the point of Jack’s function in the narrative as well as Ed’s character development.

That's not fun.

#reply #ofmd #calico jack #edward teach #ofmd meta #long post #i'm getting close to being done with these arguments for now though #because i find them increasingly upsetting

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gravedangerahead · 2 years

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I just find the whole idea of Nona so lovely. Just who she is and that that's what she's like, it really warms my heart, even though in the end it's so sad.

She loves so much, she loves relentlessly through everything, she cares, and she finds all the tiny joys in life even through the underlying melancholia, and they're actually not tiny at all, they are so, so beautiful.

Holding hands with someone you love, playing with dogs, lying in sun warmed tiles.

This perceiving and giving due importance to the small beauties of the world, and letting them fuel you, even as the world seems to be coming down around you is something I've truly aspired to in my own life.

She has every right to hate us, humanity, and she does, but she also loves us dearly. And I love her. I will miss Nona deeply, now that she has remembered and will be essentially different as Alecto. So I'm thinking of how different she will be, what aspects of her will remain.

There's a book I love very much called Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas, and in the beginning the the narrator has a delirious dream as he's feverishly dying, where he travels to the origin of the centuries, seeing all the destruction and "progress" of humanity pass, and has a meeting with the giant figure of a woman:

I do know that a huge shadow, the figure of a woman appeared to me then looking at me with eyes that were flashy like the sun. Everything about that figure had the vastness of wild forms and everything was incomprehensible to human eyes because the outlines were lost in the surroundings and what seemed thick was often diaphanous. Stupefied, I didn't say anything, I didn’t even let out a scream; but, after some time, which was brief, I asked who she was and what was her name: the delirium’s curiosity.

— Call me Nature or Pandora; I am your mother and your enemy.

When I heard the last word I backed off a little, scared. The figure began to laugh, which produced around us the effect of a typhoon; plants got twisted and a long moan broke the muteness of external things.

Don't be scared, she said, my enmity won’t kill you; it's above all confirmed by life. You're alive: I do not want another scourge.

In the whole she embodies all the aspects, Nature or Pandora, mother and enemy, Nona or Alecto.

I think Nona was the curiosity and naivete, the warmth and affection, the hope of Pandora. And I expect those things to still be part of Alecto, but in her righteous anger she would lean towards being a much more fearsome creature. From what we saw of her in the epilogue ("but he has never appeased me, and now all he's done is teach me how to die") I can see a lot of parallels with the conversation in Posthumous Memoirs. Won't even get into the parallels between John and Brás Cubas, those assholes, cuz I'd be here all day, I'm just adding some more quotes.

This is all from Chapter 7: The Delirium, which is pretty short and self contained, and included in full in the kindle sample of the book:

— Yes, worm, you are alive. Don't fear losing these rags you’re proud of; you're still going to taste, for a few hours, the bread of pain and the wine of misery. You're alive: right now, even though you have gone mad, you're alive; and if your consciousness gets an instant of wisdom, you'll say you want to live.

Saying that, the vision extended her arm, took me by the hair, and lifted me up as if I were a feather. Only then could I see her face from close, which was enormous. Nothing quieter; no violent contortion, no expression of hatred or ferocity; her expression was unique, general, complete; it was that of selfish impassivity, it was that of eternal deafness, of an immovable will. Anger, if she felt it, was locked in her heart. At the same time, in this face of glacial expression, there was a young look and a mixture of strength and vitality before which I felt the weakest and the most decrepit of all beings.

— Do you understand me? She asked me after some time of mutual contemplation.

— No, I answered; nor do I want to understand you. You're an absurd, you're a fable. I'm certainly dreaming or, if it's true that I went mad, you're nothing but the conception of a madman, that is, a vain thing that reason can’t control or touch. You are Nature? The Nature I know is only a mother and not an enemy; she doesn't make life a scourge, and unlike you, she doesn’t have such an indifferent face, like a tomb. And, why Pandora?

— Because I carry all good and evil in my purse and the greatest of all, hope, the consolation of mankind. Are you trembling?

— Yes, I’m fascinated by your eyes.

— I believe you, I'm not only life, I'm also death, and you're about to give me back what I lent you. Great lascivious man, you are being awaited by the voluptuosity of nothingness.

When the word echoed like a thunder in that huge valley, it felt like it was the last sound that would reach my ears; it was like I was feeling my own sudden decomposition. Then I stared at her with pleading eyes and asked for a few more years.

— Poor minute! She exclaimed. Why do you want a few more instants of life? To devour and be devoured later? Aren’t you tired of spectacle and struggle? You know too well what I gave you the least vile or the least distressing: the dawn of day, the melancholy of afternoon, the quietness of night, the aspects of earth, sleep, at last, the greatest benefits in my hands. What more do you want, you sublime idiot?

— Just to live, I won’t ask you for anything else. Who put in my heart this love for life if not you? And since I love life, why do you have to strike yourself by killing me?

— Because I no longer need you. It doesn’t matter to time the minute that passes, only the minute that will come. The minute that will come is strong, jocund, it brings eternity in itself and it brings death, and it perishes just like the other one, but time subsists.

Re-reading this chapter and thinking of John in this situation is actually very satisfying.

As I contemplated this calamity, I could not keep myself from letting out a scream of anguish that Nature or Pandora heard without protesting or laughing. And, I don't know which brain disorder law caused me to be the one who started to laugh, — a wild and idiotic laugh.

— You're right, I said, the thing is fun and worth it — perhaps monotonous — but it’s worth it. When Job cursed the day that was conceived, it was because it brought on him desire to see the spectacle from above. Come on, Pandora, open up your womb and digest me. The thing is fun, but digest me.

This was way too long, if you got this far, thank you 💜

#Rapha rambles #literature #the locked tomb spoilers #nona the ninth spoilers #Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas #ntn spoilers #tlt spoilers #nona the ninth #alecto the first #alecto the ninth #brazilian literature #the locked tomb series 💜💜💜#machado de assis #tamsyn muir #long post

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princeofgod-2021 · 2 years

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LIGHT OF LIFE 214

John 1:4

SATAN’S STRUCTURE 21: FASHION 3

1Pe 3:3-4 LET YOUR TRUE BEAUTY COME FROM YOUR INNER PERSONALITY, not a focus on the external. For LASTING BEAUTY COMES FROM A GENTLE AND PEACEFUL SPIRIT, WHICH IS PRECIOUS IN GOD’S SIGHT and is much more important than the outward adornment of elaborate hair, jewelry, and fine clothes. TPT

We have discovered how Hypocrisy and Pride are Babies of Self-Awareness and also seen the progressive path of degenerating responses to the feeling of nakedness (weakness), right?

A man discovers he has less than others and so, shame causes him to cover up “anyhow”.

Fear of being mocked could make him desperate to hide himself, and it only gets worse as time passes.

2Sa 10:4-5 So Hanun seized David’s servants and shaved off half of each one’s beard. He cut the lower part of their robes off SO THAT THEIR BUTTOCKS WERE EXPOSED, and then sent them away. Messengers told David what had happened, so he summoned them, FOR THE MEN WERE THOROUGHLY HUMILIATED. The king said, “STAY IN JERICHO UNTIL YOUR BEARDS HAVE GROWN AGAIN; THEN YOU MAY COME BACK.” NET

Please read beyond above quote to get the full picture.

It was a “Top Tradition” for Hebrews to keep beard and they were evidently extremely proud of it, but they also had their buttocks exposed na!

Beloved, one expects that if they change clothes, they should go home to their families, but “beard matter” was enough to make them stay in another nation till it grew back to normal length.

Oga o!

Ecc 9:8 LET YOUR CLOTHING BE WHITE AT ALL TIMES, and let not your head be without oil. BBE

It gets so bad that this self-awareness ‘processes” gets very religious: like you are doing something God loves.

Can you imagine David’s ambassadors feeling justified to stay in exile till beard grows?

Have you ever seen “Fashion craziness” in its full “bloom”; have you seen a ‘bride to be” cry herself to stupor because her wedding dress tore just a bit?

She’d suppose it is Satan embarrassing her.

Job 35:12-13 They cry for help, but God doesn't answer, for they are proud and evil. IT IS USELESS FOR THEM TO CRY OUT; ALMIGHTY GOD DOES NOT SEE OR HEAR THEM. GNB

Down the line of degeneration of behaviour through “FASHION”, you find Jealousy.

This comes when you tend to compare your “weakness” with another’s “strength” but find the other better than you.

Jms 3:16 WHENEVER YOU ARE TRYING TO LOOK BETTER THAN OTHERS OR GET THE BETTER OF OTHERS, things will fall apart and everyone will END UP AT THE OTHERS’ THROAT MSG

Jealousy thence leads to anger, hatred and [possibly] murderous intentions.

Another version says: jealousy breeds every other kind of evil works. Let’s consider Cain for an example, shall we?

Gen 4:5-7 BUT NOT WITH CAIN AND HIS OFFERING. THIS MADE CAIN SO ANGRY THAT HE COULD NOT HIDE HIS FEELINGS. The LORD said to Cain: What's wrong with you? Why do you have such an angry look on your face? IF YOU HAD DONE THE RIGHT THING, YOU WOULD BE SMILING. But you did the wrong thing, and now SIN IS WAITING TO ATTACK YOU LIKE A LION. Sin wants to destroy you, but don't let it! CEV

Cain wasn’t good with God, but now that Abel was “embraced”, he became Jealous and then angry.

But God now warned him that he was soon going to degenerate into worse sins if he continued.

God advised him but his “self” only made him see that God was “rubbing it in” that his brother was better than him.

So, the next thing was to think of killing the one person in life, better than him.

Gen 4:8 Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." So they went to the field. Then CAIN ATTACKED HIS BROTHER ABEL AND KILLED HIM. ERV"

“Now God will have nobody else to embrace and admire”: so he must have thought.

Well, let’s look at another Man’s story. His name was Haman, and we all know about Mordecai’s ordeal with him, right?

Haman was so fortunate to be specially promoted by the King, especially the “Command” to gravely honour him by “worship” of a kind.

Haman loved that very much. Who wouldn’t, right?

Est 3:1-2 Later, KING XERXES PROMOTED HAMAN the son of Hammedatha TO THE HIGHEST POSITION IN HIS KINGDOM. Haman was a descendant of Agag, and the king had given orders for his officials at the royal gate to HONOR HAMAN BY KNEELING DOWN TO HIM. ALL OF THEM OBEYED EXCEPT MORDECAI. CEV

Anyone would have thought that if all but just one insignificant Mordecai bowed to him, why should Haman worry about such.

But no! Haman must have every single soul worshipping him.

Est 3:4-5 Although they asked him day after day, he paid no attention to them. SO THEY INFORMED HAMAN TO SEE IF MORDECAI'S ACTIONS WOULD BE TOLERATED, SINCE MORDECAI HAD TOLD THEM THAT HE WAS A JEW. When Haman saw that Mordecai did not kneel and bow to him, HAMAN WAS INFURIATED. GW

So Haman must have been afraid that Mordecai’s “irreverence” would spread to others and he would eventually be despised, so he began to plot, not only his death but that of all Jews, his people.

Wow!

Est 3:6 and when he learned that Mordecai was a Jew, he decided to do more than punish Mordecai alone. He made plans to kill every Jew in the whole Persian Empire. GNB

May God deliver us all from the pride of wicked men and the Fashion of the World, in Jesus name.

Come back on Monday for more digging into this subtopic.

Keep Shinning!

Brother Prince

Friday, June 24, 2022

08055125517; 08023904307

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destieltropecollection · 3 years

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Destiel Trope Collection 2021 | Day 3: Angst with a Happy Ending

39 fics under the readmore

Conditional Miracle | @vampamber

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,551 Main Tags/Warnings: season 12 finale, in-canon temporary character death, love confession Summary: Chuck can bring Castiel back to life, but only on one condition: Dean has to tell Castiel how he feels about him. Not that "You're family, Cas" stuff, but how Dean actually feels. A coda for s12e23 "All Along the Watchtower" (a bit late, but better late than never)

Sharp edges | @chaoticdean

Rating: General Word Count: 1,638 Main Tags/Warnings: Major Character Death, (although he does come back at the very end), Temporary Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt, Angst with a Happy Ending, Letters, Five Stages of Grief, post spn 15x18spn coda, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, written several months before the actual episode Summary: Castiel told him he loved him right before getting swallowed up by the Empty. Sam told him to talk, but words won’t come out, and really, how is he supposed to tell anyone how it feels to lose everything? So he writes. Letters on napkins, motel notepads, paperback books. He writes as he goes through every steps of grief, until finally there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

What the Water Gave Him | @mattzerella-sticks

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,794 Main Tags/Warnings: Post-Canon, Implied/Reference Character Death, Sam Finds Out Summary: It was over. Chuck lost, Sam and Dean can live their lives how they want them. But their victory wasn't without losses. The biggest upset nearly taking Dean out of the game, happening so close to the final battle. Now he's on the other side, alive against all odds, but Sam knows he isn't happy. Not truly happy since the Empty stole his best friend. But there's a chance they can save him. A slim chance. A risk that Dean's willing to take despite every logical nerve in Sam's body screaming at him to look for better options. That threading a needle this small is too dangerous. That they don't have to take on another big bad, not anymore. That they don't have to risk their lives anymore. Dean is far past the point of listening. Dead set on this mission, Sam can only watch. And pray his brother proves him wrong.

A Classic Fear Of Rejection | @vampamber

Rating: General Word Count: 1,841 Main Tags/Warnings: pining, anxious Cas, Dean has self worth issues, love confession Summary: Castiel has been in love with Dean for almost ten years now. Ever since he'd raised the Righteous Man from perdition, actually. But Dean appears to be straight, so the angel just pined for him instead, fearing rejection. At Sam's insistence, Castiel finally admits his feelings, and it turns out that the angel may have been wrong about the elder Winchester's orientation.

The Things You Almost Say (But Never Do) | @wingsdestiel

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,967 Main Tags/Warnings: Light Angst, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonverse, Season 11 Summary: Team Free Will hasn't been much of a team lately, and Castiel wishes that Dean would stop avoiding everything.

Forget Me Not | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 2,932 Main Tags/Warnings: top Castiel/bottom Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, Hospitals, Amnesia, Temporary Amnesia, Therapy, Makeup Sex, Marriage Proposal, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary: A tragic accident during an argument leaves Cas with a head injury and amnesia, but Dean is determined to stay by his husband's side, even when the memories that return are painful. Can they move past the memories?

Forgetting Your Blues | @amirosebooks

Rating: Mature Word Count: 3,440 Main Tags/Warnings: Season 12 finale fix-it, amnesia, temporary main character death, fluff and angst, getting together, openly bisexual Dean Winchester Summary: Dean Jones doesn't know his real name. He woke up on a public park bench a few months back with an empty wallet and a driver's license listing the name Dean Jones with his picture. The name doesn't feel right on his tongue, but he doesn't remember what part is wrong. The cop who found him in the park got Dean a job in a local diner. The diner feels comfortable to Dean. He understands the rhythm of the place, the ebb and flow of the people and food, even if he's clearly never carried a tray of hot plates in his life. He settles into his new life. He makes new friends. He takes beautiful women and men and people to his bed for comfort on long nights. He has nightmares about blood covering his hands. Who is he? Why has no one come looking for him? What has he done? Why did he fall apart when he saw a guy wearing a tan trenchcoat?

I NEED YOU | @cooloddball

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,675 Main Tags/Warnings: Angst with a Happy Ending, Smut, Making up Summary: Sam is so done with Dean and Cas' bullshit. Time to get some things sorted out.

Even if the sky gets rough | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 5,360 Main Tags/Warnings: Fuck Or Die, cursed!Dean, dubcon, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, First Kiss, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings Summary: Dean can’t believe he got cursed again. Only this time it’s a lot worse, because if he can’t find someone to fuck him… well, he dies.

spes alit et falit. | @celestialsilhouette

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 5,524 Main Tags/Warnings: djinn fic, angst with a happy ending, first time Summary: ~hope sustains and deceives~ Dean wakes up with a gasp. He shoots up in his bed, panting, heart pounding, and wide awake. He grips the sheets in his hands tightly and swivels his head to look around the room, making a half-aborted movement to reach under the pillows for the gun he knows always lies there, the smooth metal familiar and comforting. He doesn’t recognize where he is.

Don't Call Me Demon | @angzlicas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 6,432 Main Tags/Warnings: Demon!Dean, MOC!Dean, Human Castiel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Smut, Canon Compliant, Top!Dean, Bottom!Cas Summary: Dean’s shouting at this point, his eyes pure black again, and Castiel can feel the anger and panic tainting the room. It’s charged with emotion, even though most demons are incapable of feeling anything other than hatred and malice. It feels like fear. Or the one where Cas wants to take the mark from Dean

Life in prison | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 7,084 Main Tags/Warnings: Hurt Dean Winchester, Dean had to steal food to eat, Dean had sex for money in this, Thief Dean Winchester, almost murderer Castiel, Semi-Public Sex, implied bottom dean Winchester, Non-Penetrative Sex, Soft Dean Winchester, almost rape (non Destiel), Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, First Time, Alternate Universe - PrisonPrisonAlternate Universe, Prison Sex Summary: When Dean gets arrested for stealing food, he has to face prison at 21. He is scared and his cellmate seems a bit harsh too. Will he warm up to him eventually? Or could he even fall in love with a prisoner?

Four of Swords | @mattzerella-sticks

Rating: No Rating Word Count: 7,127 Main Tags/Warnings: Post-Canon, Human Cas, Baths, Dean Winchester has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel Takes Care of Dean Summary: The Four of Swords, in the present position, means you don't want to interact with the rest of the world. Because of stress, you need to spend some time with yourself - unhealthy always being 'on'. That the healthiest thing to do is to escape. Dean might crave escape, but it's not something he thinks he can have. Something he deserves, even. After his and Sam's most recent hunt, this cancerous feeling has grown heavy and weighs him down. He cannot escape on his own, as best he tries. Luckily a guardian 'former angel' angel swoops in at his lowest. Helps pick up the pieces as best he can and lovingly put them back together. But he can only do so much. The rest is up to Dean. Can Dean take those final steps, say those final words, and finally free himself?

Free To Be Us | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 8,011 Main Tags/Warnings: Omega Castiel/Alpha Dean Winchester, Explicit Sexual Content, Anal Sex, Switching, Rimming, Blow Jobs, Claiming Bites, Semi-Public Sex, Kidnapping, emancipation, broken bonds, Suicide attempt mentioned, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Alternate Universe - Dystopia Summary: In a Dystopian world, Alphas and Omegas are rare. So rare that they meet only at semi-annual, semi-corrupt conventions organized by Betas, all for the purpose of breeding. Dean is one such Alpha, prized more for his seed than for himself, and untouched. Raised to value the system, he's about to have his world turned upside down, and it all starts with a decadent scent.

Not Here for Me | @mattzerella-sticks

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 8,113 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe - Humans, Alternate Universe - 2000s, Gay Bars, Closeted Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, references to Dean's bad childhood Summary: If he had the choice, Dean never would have stepped foot inside this place. But Sam was curious - and curious is a hell of a lot better than the depression that clung to him day after day since Jess left him. So Dean swallows his pride, joins Sam as his babysitter. So he won't get find himself in any trouble. Trouble, however, is more likely to find Dean. In the bowels of his personal hell, can Dean resist temptations that have plagued him his entire life? Or will someone descend and lend a hand, showing Dean that the darkness he imagined only lived inside his own mind. And all that he feared was not as he seemed if he let himself step out of the shadows of his past.

Bearing A Heart | @lockandk3yfiction

Rating: Mature Word Count: 9,421 Main Tags/Warnings: Female Castiel (Supernatural); Castiel in a Female Vessel (Supernatural); Genderbending; Pregnant Castiel (Supernatural); Possessive Castiel (Supernatural); Miscommunication; Running Away; Death Threats; Angst with a Happy Ending; Abundant Mention of Death pertaining to an unborn child Summary: Castiel believes she is becoming more human in the way that she sleeps and eats. It’s a repercussion of falling after all. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s what she gives up to maintain her relationships with the people that she cares about. But what if she shared more than a “last night on Earth” with Dean Winchester? When Castiel learns that she is bearing the heart of another living being, the angel decides to do all in her power to protect her child.

Take Your Human Charge To Work Day (WIP) | @pointyearedelvishprincling

Rating: Mature Word Count: 11,222 Main Tags/Warnings: mutual pining, fluff and smut, case fic, top!castiel/bottom dean winchester, canon typical violence, angst with a happy ending, love confession, castiel dream walking, memory alteration, Summary: Written in third person with alternating POV of Dean & Cas. Something's changed between Dean and Castiel. Dean asks Cas to take him along wherever it is the angel goes when he's not around the Winchesters. He's curious, that's all. No feelings involved. It'll be fun. Dean's ready for Cas to take the wheel on their adventure, but turns out some feelings aren't so easy to repress when it's just the two of you. Cas needs some time alone. It's a heavy burden hearing Dean's longing like a constant prayer while Cas is trying to resist his own feelings. Now he's stuck in LA on a case that could have taken him minutes to solve, and Dean is very distracting. Why is it they can only let their guards down when faced with losing the other?

Scentless | @destielshipper4cas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 11,416 Main Tags/Warnings: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Getting Together, Alpha Dean, Omega Cas Summary: Cas lost his mate and his scent a year ago when his scent gland was burned in order to brand him as a barren omega. Ever since then, he has been trying to pass as a beta, hiding his mutilated scent gland under the collar of his shirts. This works pretty well for him, until he meets alpha Dean Winchester, who turns his life upside down.

Mated (WIP) | @destielshipper4cas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 14,721 Main Tags/Warnings: Falling in Love, Strangers to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Dean in Denial about Sexuality, Alpha Cas, Alpha Dean, Bottom Cas, Top Dean Summary: Of course, if Dean had known that it was possible for an alpha to mate another alpha, he would never have let himself get carried away and bitten the hot alpha’s mating gland in the throes of passion. It wasn’t like he was into alphas, after all… Right? Having accidentally mated the most awesome alpha, he might have to rethink some things about himself as he gets to know his mate and starts falling for him.

Scented | @destielshipper4cas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 19,298 Main Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Mpreg, Alpha Dean, Omega Cas, Top Dean, Bottom Cas Summary: Cas could not believe that a sweet and sexy alpha like Dean was interested in him—burned and barren omega, social outcast with an abusive ex-mate. To make their new relationship work, they have to figure out how to deal with Cas’ insecurities, society’s prejudices, and a surprise here and there along the way…

Tacoma | @ellis-park

Rating: Mature Word Count: 20,055 Main Tags/Warnings: Canon divergent, season 15 breakup, angst with a happy ending Summary: After an explosive fight, Castiel leaves the bunker and Dean decides to let him go. As Cas ventures halfway across the country on a journey to find himself, Dean reevaluates what he needs from life. And what he needs is Cas.

I Will Hang My Head Low | @andimeantittosting

Rating: Mature Word Count: 22,403 Main Tags/Warnings: Fairytale/Folklore AU, Sick Cas, Temporary MCD, Grief/Mourning, Boy King!Sam Summary: Dean Winchester gave up hunting when his brother became the prophesied Boy King of Hell. Now he ekes out a meager living, chopping wood for a nearby village, until one snowy night, he follows what appears to be a falling star, and encounters an injured angel. Afterwards, he tries to put the strange night from his mind. When he meets Castiel, a mysterious man with healing powers, they form an instant connection, and the more Dean learns of Castiel's powers—to heal, to protect, to purify—the more he begins to hope that Sam can be saved. But as they prepare to save Sam, Castiel grows sick, and then sicker still. Too late, Dean learns how much Castiel is willing to sacrifice for him. Inspired by the Decemberists' Crane Wife and the Japanese myth on which it is based.

The Awakening | Eggplant47 (A03)

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 39,144 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe--Human, past child abuse (not explicit), past rape (not explicit), past child sexual abuse (just mentioned), Drug Use, Drunk Driving, Prostitution (past), Infidelity (not between Dean and Cas), Switching Summary: Dean Winchester had always lived on the surface of life, but a bump on the head and his young, blue-eyed brother-in-law are about to push him into the deep.

Lost Together | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 40,551 Main Tags/Warnings: Castiel/Lucifer (Supernatural), bottom Castiel/top Dean Winchester, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Witch Castiel (Supernatural), Familiars, Animal Abuse, Animal Death, Minor Character Death, Racism, Homophobic Language, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, True Mates, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Explicit Sexual Content, Claiming Bites, Knotting, Mpreg, Happy Ending, Shapeshifting Summary: Castiel is a powerful Omega witch, but even his magic can’t save him and those around him from his ex, Lucien. When his familiar is brutally killed, Cas vows never to take another familiar because he can’t imagine risking another animal’s life. A wolf roaming his property has other ideas. Meanwhile, his new neighbour, an Alpha named Dean, is worming his way into his heart in a way that Cas can’t resist. Can the two souls overcome danger, broken hearts, and secrets together, or will they remain lost? Through tragedy and misunderstandings, Dean and Cas are destined to be together. But destiny’s road can be deadly.

The Driver | @friendofcarlotta

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 40,963 Main Tags/Warnings: Canon-Typical Violence, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Stunt Driver Dean Winchester, Getaway Driver Dean Winchester, Convenience Store Clerk Castiel, Waiter Castiel, Kid Fic, Single Father Castiel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Inspired by "Drive" (2011) Summary: Dean Winchester is a mechanic and occasional movie stunt driver living in LA. Most people don't know that Dean also drives getaway cars for armed robberies. For months now, Dean has been nursing a crush on his neighbor, a single father named Castiel. When a violent turf war between Dean's boss and a rival gangster threatens to compromise the safety of Castiel and his son, Dean makes a choice that will change his life forever.

(You Don’t Have To) Say You Love Me | @darknessbound3

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 44,379 Main Tags/Warnings: Heavy Angst, Top!Cas/Bottom!Dean, Separation, Reconciliation, Pining Summary: Six months after Castiel walked out on a twelve year marriage to Dean, he decides it’s time for a divorce. Dean, on the other hand, isn’t so sure, and is willing to stop at nothing to win his husband back.

The (Un)Buried Past | @gii-heylittleangel

Rating: Mature Word Count: 53,282 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Deaths, Gore and Blood, Angst, Intense Violence and use of guns, background relationships, Implied Smut Summary: After six years of living as a civilian, Dean has gotten rusty when it comes to defending himself. But, when the past comes knocking down everything in its way, Dean has to sink back into his old skin to get back what he wants. Ad what he finds out during the journey is not what he wants.

A Driver Worth His Salt | @thefandomsinhalor

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 67,844 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depiction of Violence, Mafia AU Vibe, BAMF Castiel, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean, Trauma Summary: The job is simple: drive the passenger a few times a week to yet-undisclosed locations and return with said passenger without fail. Be on time. Be discreet. And never interact with each other outside of work. Once twenty-year-old Dean meets the passenger in question—the sharply dressed and rough-looking Castiel Novak—he finds that abiding by those shady rules may be more complicated than he had anticipated.

All the Night Tide | @funnywings

Rating: Mature Word Count: 72,315 Main Tags/Warnings: Pirate AU, Golden Age of Piracy, Mythology and Lore, Temporary Major Character Death, Pirate!Castiel, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary: Kidnapped for ransom by his childhood best friend, Dean is eager to return home and escape the pirate ship that has become his prison. But when Castiel sets his sights on a dangerous new quest, Dean chooses to stay by his side, even if it means facing down Death itself.

help me get where I belong (WIP) | ravenkings (AO3)

Rating: Mature Word Count: 73,437 Main Tags/Warnings: alcoholism, substance abuse, referenced child abuse, referenced assault, extensive crafting Summary: Dean Winchester just needs to get through a quick three-month stint in rehab to appease his little brother, then he'll be back to boozing away the rest of his short, shitty life. Except he kind of likes the group therapy leaders for AA, he's getting way better at watercoloring, and the crazy-haired guy on the NA side of the ward keeps winking at him.

Missing | @kitmistry

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 93,025 Main Tags/Warnings: Slow Burn, Murder Mystery, Post-Breakup, Mutual Pining, Heavy Angst, Minor Character Death, John Winchester's A+ parenting Summary: Two years ago Dean Winchester broke his heart. Now he's at Castiel's doorstep, asking for his help, but there's nothing Dean can say that will convince Castiel to listen. Or so he thinks. Faced with the news of Sam's disappearance, he decides to put his anger aside and follows Dean to a rural town in Nebraska, where they end up tangled in the missing girl investigation Sam was looking into. With an unknown threat closing in on them and all the things left unsaid between them about to be revealed, Castiel and Dean race against time to find Sam before it's too late.

All the Reasons We Are Real | @charlies-secret-closet and @jupiticas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 96,466 Main Tags/Warnings: Slow burn, Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Fluff, Canon Adjacent, Sam Winchester Ships Destiel, Destiel Fluff, Abusive John Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Eventual Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Charlie Ships Destiel, Self Worth Issues, Major Angst, You Will Cry, Summary: Sam is tired of it. Tired of the staring contests and the eye-sex and the 'standing two inches apart' thing. With a little help from Rowena and Heller-Queen-Charlie, Sam becomes the matchmaker: and tries to make his ship canon. Meanwhile, Cas is hiding a painful secret about a certain deal, and Dean is hiding his deepest truth. Until one night, when their long-awaited happiness becomes their greatest sorrow. Written in the original canon universe, this fic uses many canon scenes from the series to show that Destiel doesn't need fanfiction to be real. It has always been there, it will always be there, and it is REAL.

Twenty-Nine Steps | @scones-and-texting-and-murder

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 113,621 Main Tags/Warnings: underage, rape/noncon , PTSD, past child abuse, child sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts, repressed memories Summary: At the age of forty, Dean Winchester has a strong, loving marriage, a successful business, and a young nephew he absolutely dotes upon. He and Cas are living the kind of life Dean never thought was meant for him, one where the future stretches out before them, solid and bright. When a series of small and seemingly unrelated events coalesce into a larger, horrifying realization, he’s rocked to his very core. With so much of what he thought he knew about himself ripped away, he’s trapped between confronting the trauma of his past and believing he’s worthy of the life he’s built.

Still Breathing | @casbelieves

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 124,924 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-con, Drug Use, Self-Harm, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Mentions of Suicide, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Reunion, Angst, First Love, Unrequited Love, Foster Care, Smut, Switch!Cas, Switch!Dean, Angst With a Happy Ending Summary: Castiel has no reason to trust anyone. As a teenager in the foster care system, he’s experienced horrific and unspeakable acts of violence and abuse that will haunt him for the rest of his life. When he arrives in Pacifica, CA, as the newest addition to the Singer’s foster family, the last thing he expects is to develop a deep and unbreakable bond with the boy-next-door, Dean Winchester. But Dean isn’t as in control of his own life as it seems, and the two struggle to navigate homophobia, trauma, and the pressures of an impending adulthood. When they meet again as young adults, eight years after their falling out, they are given a chance to rekindle a fire that never truly went out.

Patient Love (WIP) | @chaoticdean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 152,765 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe - Modern Settings, US Navy SEAL Dean Winchester, Journalist Castiel, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, War Injury, PTSD, Grief/Mourning, Friends to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Misunderstandings, Angst With a Happy Ending, Switch Dean/Switch Cas Summary: Castiel Novak is 27 when he suddenly loses his twin brother Jimmy, and his whole world turns to ashes. After 10 years as a Navy Special Warfare Operator, a battlefield injury forces 28-year-old Chief Petty Officer Dean Winchester to chose between being stuck behind a desk for the rest of his career or going back to civil life. Things are already complicated and painful enough as it is, but when former lovers Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak meet again after 10 years of radio silence and a galaxy of wounds and scars solidly standing between them, it feels like both a curse and a blessing has been placed on them both. Is there any hope in putting back their broken pieces together after a decade, and how do you deal with grief and broken dreams?

The Offering | @deans-jiggly-pudding

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 167,703 Main Tags/Warnings: Incubus!Castiel, AU - high school, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, rape/non-con elements, heavy angst with a happy ending Summary: As a pastor's son, Dean Winchester is expected to be all the things he's not: the church poster child, compliant with every plan his father has for him, and of course, straight. Fighting the confines of his father's faith and the control it has over his life, Dean is caught in the middle of a teen lock-in activity that will change his life. The boys accidentally summon an incubus named Cas, and his demands are clear. Dean discovers Cas to be everything he expected... Yet, even the darkest of creatures has secrets of his own. Can they be together, despite who they are, and despite everything designed to keep them apart?

A Ghost Story (WIP) | @valleydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 248,988 Main Tags/Warnings: Temporary Character Death, Alternate Universe - 19th Century, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Gardener Dean Winchester, Rich Castiel (Supernatural), Hunter Dean Winchester, Period-Typical Homophobia, References to Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Magic, College | University Student Dean Winchester, Ghost Castiel (Supernatural), Haunted Houses, Established Relationship, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Arranged Marriage, POV Dean Winchester, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Witch Hunters, Animal Death, Alternate Universe - Past Lives, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Secret Relationship, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Soulmates Summary: Castiel Novak has haunted his family's estate for 150 years, awaiting the return of his lost love. Upon their reunion, Dean Winchester learns of his past reincarnation. After the night of Castiel's resurrection, the two try to find out why they've been given a second chance. The answers may be hidden in the forgotten memories of Dean's former life - but sometimes the truth is better left buried.

Time Won’t Let Me | Aketch-22 (AO3)

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 253,520 Main Tags/Warnings: Non Explicit Sex, Closeted Castiel, Hurt Comfort, Harry Potter Crossover, Angst and Feels Summary: Entering his 5th year of the Voldemort-controlled Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, muggle-born Dean Winchester is faced with the prospect of the Choosing - a ceremony where twelve students are picked based on blood status to participate in the Mudblood Games. In the Games, the tributes are transported to Purgatory. If you're the first to find your way to the portal out, you become part of Voldemort's world - and if you're not, you die. Will Dean, Sam, Castiel and the others be Chosen, or will they simply have to sit by and watch their friends suffer at the hands of the cruelest supernatural threat the trio have ever faced?

The Exceptional Bad Boy | @thedevil-is-in-the-details

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 329,619 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe - High School, Bottom Castiel / Top Dean Winchester, Bottom Dean Winchester / Top Castiel, Past Rape / Non-con, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Alcohol Abuse / Alcoholism, Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Fluff and Smut, Tattoed Castiel, Depression, Anxiety, Self-harm, Stalking, Minor Character Death Summary: Again, they move to a new town and Dean is so sick of always moving around and always being the new kid at school. And he wants something better for his little brother Sam. But their father can't manage to keep a job for longer than two months. No matter where they are, there is one thing that is always the same though. Dean's reputation as bad boy. It was never a problem that there were already other bad boys because Dean was always the worst. But now, he has keen competition – Castiel Novak. Covered in tattoos, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, breaking other people's noses... Novak's reputation precedes him. But that he's still different than every bad boy Dean's ever met is pretty clear though, from the very first moment they meet.

#destiel trope collection 2021 #day 3 #angst with a happy ending #destiel #fanfic #supernatural #saving blogs; queuing things; the tumblr business

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theggning · 3 years

Note

Perfect timing for me to ask you this: what's your thoughts/opinions on Deacon?

It's always a good time to ask me to tl;dr, friendo, I love never shutting up, ever.

Ah, Deacon. The man of mystery, the liar, the Railroad's number one agent (though he'd rather you not believe it.) Everybody's favorite egg in shades. I really like Deacon. He's hilarious, handy in a fight, his voice acting is phenomenally fun, and has a lot of wise things to say about the lies people tell you to make you act in their interest.

Of course, Deacon's main character trait and personality is that he lies constantly. He is, admirably, upfront about the fact that he's a liar, and doesn't expect anyone to trust him. Sometimes his lies are clearly meant to be a joke. Sometimes they're a test, to teach the Sole Survivor a lesson about spycraft. But when it comes down to it, Deacon doesn't lie about important things, or things that will get someone in danger. He lies, with varying degrees of believability, so that when he *needs* to lie, nobody will know whether or not to believe him. He disguises himself, often poorly, so that when he *needs* to disappear, nobody will spot him.

But the thing Deacon lies about the most is himself. As with all the Railroad agents, his name is a pseudonym. He lies about being a synth (he isn't) and going places and seeing things. He lies about escapades he's been on and missions he's run. Even his appearance is a lie, as he admits he undergoes surgeries to change his face every so often. Every one of his affinity conversations ends with a charisma check revealing that he was lying.

And lies are all that you get from Deacon, until you reach his final affinity conversation. There, Deacon, unusually emotional and distraught, confesses that in his youth, he was a member of a gang called the University Point Deathclaws-- a hate group that targeted synths. After a particularly brutal murder turned Deacon away from the gang, he met and married a woman named Barbara. But years later, his old gang showed up at their doorstep and murdered Barbara-- as it turned out, Barbara was unknowingly a synth. Deacon proceeded to butcher every one of his former friends-- and impressed by his prowess and believing him to be sympathetic to the cause, he was then recruited by the Railroad.

If you believe that this story, too, is a lie, then we're left scraping for a motive or a baseline or just, anything we can actually use to pin Deacon down as more than a fleeting shadow.

People much more eloquent than me have dissected this reveal and all of their points are good and sourced, and they will do a much better job of it than I could, but in short, I do believe Deacon is telling the truth about his past. Everything from the acting to the expressions on his face to terrible things he confesses about himself point to real, genuine heartache under his usual glibness, and it also provides us a motive, one magical golden key that unlocks the most important facet of Deacon:

This man hates himself.

Deacon absolutely fucking hates himself. He hates his past, he hates his choices, he hates how he used to behave and believe, he hates what it did to the woman he loved. He views his service to the Railroad as atonement, that he also doesn't deserve and never will. Not only does the Railroad necessitate secrecy, making up lies, changing his face, turning himself into a mystery, but it also allows Deacon to pretend to be anybody else but himself (as MacCready ice burns him in one of their exchanges.) He fears that if anyone finds out the truth about him, spots even a small sliver of his real self, they will hate him as much as Deacon does. And he'll deserve it. The only future Deacon sees for himself is to die in service of the Railroad, in service of freeing the synths that he used to hate and victimize, in service of an organization he feels he's completely unworthy of belonging to.

This, I'm sorry to say to his fans, is the actual characterization/meta reason why Deacon isn't romanceable. Deacon hates himself so much that he's unwilling to let anyone know who he really is. He only barely feels comfortable exposing part of his past to the Sole Survivor at the end of the affinity conversations-- a romance would require letting someone in further than that, and Deacon not only refuses, but feels like he doesn't deserve it. Like, I cannot stress enough that in a canon full of companions struggling with self-image and varying degrees of hating themselves, Deacon is the undisputed Grand Champion of hating himself. He has a LONG way to go to finding even the slightest bit of worthiness in himself.

And that's really the sad and poignant part of Deacon. We can believe Deacon is a fun and likable guy with good intentions and a good cause. We can believe that a person can change at heart, can try to make up for their mistakes by doing good things. (I believe it!) But the tricky part is making Deacon believe it-- a man so thoroughly sunk in his own self-hatred that he truly doesn't believe he deserves to be forgiven.

Well, that was kind of a downer, so I'll rattle off some other fun facts about Deacon to close this out...

Deacon seems to be very well-read, with an interest in pre-War literature. OR MAYBE HE'S LYING?!

He is, however, very likely the same person as John D., a Railroad agent mentioned in Desdemona's terminal who came up with the dead drop system, the pyramid structure of secrecy, was the only survivor of an earlier Institute raid on Railroad HQ, and was also instrumental in rebuilding the organization. This raid took place in 2266, over 20 years before the game starts, so it's actually very likely that Deacon is in his 40s or even his 50s.

We all know Deacon (poorly) follows Sole through the early parts of the main quest, but he's been following them a lot longer than that. Deacon discovered the Institute's apparent interest in Vault 111 and theorized there was something inside that they wanted. This led Deacon to stakeout Vault 111, where he apparently sat and watched the doors for some time until the Sole Survivor emerged. (You can find his spot in the trees on a hillside overlooking the Vault doors. There's a chair, a few bottles of water, a sun shade, and the Railsign for "ally" carved nearby.)

And stolen verbatim from the wiki:

At one point in 2275, Deacon was kicked out of HQ by former leader Pinky Thompson because he was "sick of the lying, face-changing son of a bitch," after Deacon had spent a month as a ghoul, which "freaked a lot of people out."

#gg answers #fallout 4 #fallout meta #deacon #fallout railroad #poor deacon #i hope his past story is true because i like the themes that people can change and do better #and also if it's not then we just have nothing to work with #but deacon would want it that way #sighs loudly

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curioussubjects · 3 years

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“Probably think you’re overcompensating:” Perception, Masculinity & Queer!Dean

So I’ve been wanting to write about my particular take on Dean, queerness, and masculinity because all the time I see takes, and I get into discussions, and I keep having to repeat myself. Not exactly an issue except peddling takes via hyperlink is much easier. This post is a bit of a journey, as anything I write tends to be, but the central thread here is fairly straightforward: emotional vulnerability. Most of my understanding of Dean circles around issues of emotional vulnerability and perception, which is not wholly unconnected to my reading of Cas and happiness -- that is, allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, and accepting your worth is crucial to accurate perceptions of reality.

In the beginning, we had John Winchester: after Mary died, John “was just a shell.” He became entirely closed off and focused on one thing, and one thing only: finding YED and killing monsters. John actively suppressed his grief over Mary by immersing himself in hunting, a new found mission meant to avenge and protect. The change in John is so marked that in our encounters with younger John lead to his own disgust at the parenting Dean describes, without knowing it’s himself he is censoring. Furthermore, in the Winchester motto being “saving people, hunting things, the family business,” we can see into what drove John in his mission: his guilt in not being able to save Mary, hunting as an outlet for that guilt, the imposition of that mission onto his sons. When Mary died, John’s entire philosophy and modeling of how to be Father and Husband (and Man, really) rested on his ability to be a sword and shield. A protector, unflappable, steady, focused. Someone who should always put the mission first, with little to no distractions.

Dean, as eldest son and the natural second in command, inherited John’s mission and philosophy. While John was away, Dean was in charge of protecting the family (Sam), and was expected to that steady, unflappable protector. Someone who was in control of their vulnerability and never open to weakness. If John’s mission was to avenge Mary, Dean’s mission was to look out for Sam. Anything that caused Dean to deviate from that was a failure. It meant that Dean failed as A Father (and Husband mirror, not that he was a spouse proxy, but that John projected his own image onto Dean). Crucially, when we see Dean “fail” in the mission of looking out for Sam, they're due to Dean doing something for himself, or even doing something for Sam -- hence how he ended up at Sonny's for shoplifting. because apparently theft is wrong if it's not credit cards scams, thanks John. And in looking out for Sam, we find the first fault line in Dean being able to uphold John’s maxim of being invulnerable because to protecting Sam also meant, to Dean, to shield him from John’s abuse and expectations, it meant that Sam was nurtured, as best Dean could manage. Beyond protecting Sam, however, Dean would also inherit John’s mission should he die in the line of duty. And so Dean did. He was tasked to kill the YED and even Sam if Sam became a threat. Anything that would make Dean deviate from that single minded mission was to be purged. Or shoved so far down that the mission would not be affected.

In short, the baseline of duty Dean was operating on was: look out for Sam, look out for the Family, obey orders from the Father, carry out the Mission, avenge mom, kill monsters (noble and good, sure, but still immersed in the revenge mission). Whatever tool you use to carry on another day is acceptable, so long as it is ephemeral and utilitarian. If you need to drink, fuck, etc, in order to keep going so be it, but whatever you do must never impact the mission. College, relationships, picket fences, and dogs, are distractions. They are things that would necessarily take you from The Life. They can only ever be the rewards for completing the Mission. Paradise, if you will.

Emotional vulnerability, then, that which allows the world to thing touch you that deeply is a distraction. You have to be a shell. You fight, but you also fight because the hunter life is not for others. All in the hopes that one day the mission will be done, and there’s an end of the tunnel with peace and a normal life, which is a lie. Not a lie because hunting is antithetical to happiness, but a lie because the mode of operation created and imposed by John makes it impossible for one to ever reach happiness. Happiness needs a way in.

But what’s all this have to do with Dean being queer? Well, this has everything to do with how Dean experiences his queerness. A lot of the time I see people thinking of Dean as someone who suppresses, or, even worse, represses his sexuality when neither of those things are true (someone suppresses or represses their queerness doesn’t go around loving queer film, gushing over crushes, and making queer cultural references). Personally, I don’t think Dean represses as his go to coping mechanism (though he does repress, sometimes, like how John wasn’t a good father, actually). Dean is much more likely to suppress his feelings and his trauma: those are his to handle, and his to stow so he can Get the Job Done. But if Dean ever suppressed his bisexuality, which at some point he might have, I’d argue had much more to do unnecessary risks, than something like self-hatred.

Nevertheless, the issue when it comes to queerness, then, wouldn’t be Dean fucking men or being attracted to multiple genders. It wouldn’t wholly be an issue with masculinity either because the Masculine Values™ the Winchesters operate under a very specific to their situation, as I described above. It’s less about manly posturing, and more about being the perfect soldier (and, eventually, commanding officer). However, queerness brings with it queer & homophobia. As such, one’s sexuality could be leveraged as a weakness. It's something that can be exploited, if one allows it to hurt them. It’s also something that could draw attention to oneself, which is a bit dangerous for a hunter. So, for me, if John ever knew about Dean being bi (and with his neglect, he very well might not), his main problem would be with it being unnecessarily dangerous. Taking these issues into account, it makes sense to me that Dean would be uneasy with being perceived as queer because of it being a tactical disadvantage rather than him having an actual problem with being queer. So when we see posturing and overcompensation, when we see Dean lean particularly hard on the more overtly macho sides of his personality, it’s a mask. Incidentally, if Dean ever found himself in queer spaces he wouldn’t be so uneasy to the point of having to lean into the overcompensating mask -- which, of course, is influenced by cultural heteronormativity and all that mess.

Ultimately, Dean wants to control how he is perceived because it gives him the upper hand. He had to learn to be a chameleon to survive, and he had to develop a thick skin because to show weakness is to fail the mission, and weakness means that you die, or, worse, the one you are meant to protect dies. It’s no wonder that Dean’s character development had little to do with him accepting his queerness (which canon, refreshingly, presents as just a fact of who he is, no fuss), but learning to be emotionally vulnerable. To let love and happiness in. To be who he is completely, without fear, without guilt, without shame, and without self-doubt. That letting himself be happy isn’t a sign of weakness or leading to failure, that it isn’t a gateway for hurt. And none of that, none of it, is about some internalized hatred of his own queerness. Finally, Dean’s freedom and lesson is that the true steadfastness is self-actualization, and really, to quote Cas:

I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're “daddy's blunt instrument.” And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you see it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn #john winchester's a+ parenting #spn meta #my writing #polol #dean is bi

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amelialincoln · 3 years

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The Way Life Goes (2)

She thic and she important. Feel free to leave part 3 prompts or theories in my ask box. As always, enjoy...

TW: substance abuse

“Have you seen Amelia?” Was the first thing the general surgeon asked Link at the beginning of the work week on Monday. Link shrugged, pushing his overgrown shaggy hair out of his face and tugging his Ipad aggressively out of the charger.

“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’. Meredith eyed him in a way that made him uncomfortable enough to continue. “Scout and I have been crashing at Jo’s since Friday. I’d assume she’s at my apartment.” He didn’t get very far before Meredith stepped in front of him.

“Look, as irritating as it is, the minute shit is going down in her life she’s at my house in seconds. She didn’t come to the after party and hasn’t shown up for her shift yet today. I really doubt she’s just hanging out in your apartment.” She crossed her arms, looking somewhat terrifying, despite the fact that he loomed over her.

“I can't talk right now, I have surgery.” He replied, pushing back any fears of where she might be and focusing on the chart in front of him.

“She rejects your proposal and now you’re just done? What happened to you guys?” Link’s jaw tightened so hard you could hear the sound of his teeth clashing.

“She doesn’t want to be with me. It’s as simple as that.”

“I don’t think she doesn’t want to be with you. She just obviously isn’t ready to get married. And I think you knew that.”

“Whatever, Meredith.” Link’s throat was tight as he pushed past her, swallowing down his guilt.

She had somehow found herself to Link's apartment in a daze, praying he wasn’t there as she pushed through the door. He wasn’t. She grabbed some clean clothes and more cash before leaving once again.

It was somewhat exhilarating, living on the edge. Chasing high after high and making sure that the timing is perfect to prevent any meaningful thoughts from actually surfacing. So far she'd been excelling at it. However, it was when she was halfway back that she realized she had fucked up. Anger and self hatred hit her like a ton of bricks and she almost staggered back. The high had worn off and her mind had started to scream. You are so weak. Back here again after you promised the last time was the end. So many promises, she thought. So many empty promises that she’d broken time and time again. The promise that she’d made to be a good mother. Failed, again. Why should she even attempt to pick up the broken pieces after she found herself back to square one each time? Why not stop trying to fix it and just accept herself for who she truly is, an addict? Why keep disappointing the people that care about her over and over? There was no point. Not anymore. Scout’s name was blaring in her mind like an alarm. He’s better out without you. She convinced herself. Don’t let yourself ruin him. You destroy everything you touch.

“Amelia.” Camilla was looking at her weird. She tried to focus on her new friend, attempting to calm her shaking hands. “Wait too long?” She asked, digging into her bag. All Amelia could do was nod and pull out the cash. “This one’s on me.” Camilla placed a reassuring hand on Amelia’s shoulder as she rolled up her sleeve. She paused, with bated breath, until the image of Scout faded from her mind.

“Can you hear me?” Meredith practically yelled into the crackling phone. “I’m sorry, I know this is your honeymoon. I just still haven’t heard from her and you know her better than me so I need you to tell me what I should do.”

“Is this about Amelia?” Maggie’s groggy voice asked into the speakerphone. “You still haven’t heard from her?”

“I wouldn’t have called if I hadn't. I’m worried about her.” She could practically hear Maggie’s hesitation. “Don’t come back. Don’t even offer that.”

“She’s been having a rough time,” Maggie sighed. “Richard doesn’t let on too much but I know COVID has been hard on her. Link has good intentions. He just hasn’t ever had to see her at her lowest.”

“You think she’s using?” Meredith’s voice was hushed as she passed her Ipad to a nurse and thanked her quietly before letting herself into her office.

“I mean if I rejected a proposal from a man who meant a lot to me because I wasn’t ready I’d probably down a bottle of wine out of guilt." Maggie smiled bitterly.

“She’s stayed sober through a lot worse,” Meredith countered, glancing up to find Bailey waiting at the door with an expression she knew too well. “Hey, I’ve got to go. Tell Winston I say hi.”

“I will. Talk to you later.” Meredith placed her cell phone in her scrub pocket before meeting an irritated Bailey at the door.

“Where’s Shepherd?” Meredith knew what she was going to say before she even spoke the words. She bit the inside of her cheek, not knowing how to respond.

“Why?” She asked, receiving an eyebrow raise.

“Because she’s got a gliosarcoma in an hour and she hasn’t clocked in,” Bailey stated, fixing her lab coat and giving Meredith an exasperated look. “Look, whatever drama she and Doctor Lincoln are having, I don’t care. She can show up to work.”

“I don’t know where she is,” Meredith responded. “I honestly have no idea.”

“Wha--” Bailey started. She let out a grunt of disapproval before waving an agitated hand in the air and storming off. Meredith bit the nail on her thumb, sending yet another message to the missing neurosurgeon and wondered guiltily, for a moment, why she was so self destructive.

Link spent a lot of time in the ER compared to his colleagues. Compared to most other specialties, the majority of cases that presented themselves in the emergency room were ortho related. Most of the time it was pretty mundane, whether it be a broken ankle or a dislocated shoulder, but to keep the hospital from impending lawsuits, he was usually needed to supervise the interns, who were prowling in the ER looking for cases and trying to pop limbs back into place or reset joints, thinking they could handle it easily on their own.

As a result of this, Link was already in the OR when the trauma came in. He was sitting in the swivel chair behind the desk, dragging his feet across the floor to propel him side to side. He wasn’t paged so he was unfazed by the ambulance pulling up. Then again, he wasn’t really fazed by much these days after falling into a somewhat self deprecating state. He stared at the clock, hoping he’d be let off early.

“Did you hear about this?” Bailey asked Richard, as she secured her gown around herself and handed him a pair of gloves.

“Yeah,” Richard’s voice was a tone that Link couldn’t quite decipher. “Bunch of overdoses at Quilchena, saw it on the news in the lounge. Must’ve been something laced in whatever they all were doing.” He snapped his gloves aggressively over his hands as if he were mad at something. “This kind of thing has been happening all the time because of COVID. Addicts have been struggling during the pandemic. Never seen meetings so full.” Link found himself wondering if he was talking about Amelia. Bailey nodded to Richard sympathetically ask they rushed to meet the gurney’s being pushed into the ER.

“John Doe,” the paramedic announced. “Got naloxone at the scene, friend administered it. Conscious but having trouble breathing.”

“Page cardio,” Bailey ordered to a resident. Link watched curiously as Richard froze in place.

“Jane Doe,” the paramedic continued. “Unconscious but breathing. She--”

“Put her in trauma one,” Richard ordered firmly. Link wished he could see what was going on as he watched the blood drain from Bailey’s face. “Don’t let anyone see her. She wouldn’t want that.” It clicked in Link’s brain at that very moment when the pair of them turned to look his way. He got out of the chair he was in so fast that it clattered to the ground behind him.

Her face was so pale it was practically grey and her arms and lips were tinted a purpley blue. She looked so slender he felt like one could reach out and just snap her in half. Her expression was almost peaceful though, and that’s what haunted him most. The image of her was burned into his mind immediately and he knew, as they wheeled her away, that it would never be forgotten.

As Bailey and Richard steered her gurney away he felt frozen in place before finally, and without any indication from his mind, his feet began to follow them.

“She’s seizing,” Bailey exclaimed, her hands flying up to either side of her head to avoid holding any of her limbs in place. “Where the hell is trauma?” Link watched as she twitched, bile building up in the back of his throat. He felt slightly dizzy. He’d never been one to get queasy, even in med school while the rest of his peers either fainted or threw up during their first time observing in an OR. That’s when he knew he wanted to become a surgeon. He wasn’t sure if it was his ego telling him that he was superior for being the last one standing or the tiny and quick glance of approval the attending gave him before going back to ignoring him completely. Though, there must be something different about seeing someone he loved in this situation because he had to place a hand on the doorway to steady himself and looked away. Teddy came through the doors at that moment, brushing past him as if he didn’t exist. For a reason he couldn't quite explain let out a breath of relief that it wasn’t Owen. Something in his mind was screaming your fault, your fault, your fault. And selfishly, he hoped that Meredith, or really anyone who cared for Amelia half as much as he did, wasn’t at the hospital, and theorized that she’d probably beat him to a pulp.

“Can I help?” He found himself croaking, receiving only a glance from Richard.

“Absolutely not,” the general surgeon replied firmly, before finally getting Amelia connected to the monitor. Everyone in the room kind of paused for a moment, reading the levels and unanimously thinking to themselves silently, fuck.

“She’s coding,” Teddy proclaimed, as the alarm-like sound began to reveal itself. Link’s heart sank and he reached out to grab her hand, ignoring Richard’s orders for him to leave. Her palm was cold like ice, but not the dead kind of cold. Cold as if she’d just run in and out of the water, grinning and calling to him as if the ocean’s touch had electrified her, sending a rush of serotonin through her veins. Link remembers that look from when they’d gone down to California, for a conference that she was speaking at, like it were yesterday. She’d convinced him to go swimming, despite it being mid February, and had explained that diving into the frigid waves replicated the feeling of euphoria she used to get when a really good high would hit her full force. She’d told him about how she would swim a lot when she was first getting sober, craving the way the world felt like it was on pause and the way that silence filled her ears when her head was completely underwater. That was really the last time she’d grinned at him like that. Right before Covid had really hit. The first time they’d left Scout for the weekend with his parents. Coming up out of that water like she had been brought back to life.

He’d been so blind. He’d watched her slip into a mindless routine. Go to work. Drive home. Feed the baby. Put the baby to bed. Go to bed. Wake up. Every day, over and over. She would walk around like a ghost, stuck between life and death. He had ignored the way she'd fill her free time with meetings and when she had started going to sleep before he got home, brushed it off as postpartum and told himself that everything between them was fine. Postpartum doesn’t last this long you idiot.

“Clear!” Teddy’s calm voice echoed through the room, snapping him back to reality, and he pulled away his hand last minute before her chest rose and fell. His eyes flicked to the heart monitor, nothing. “Again, charge to three fifty. Clear!” The room fell silent as the compression pads thumped. Nothing. Teddy paused, staring at the monitor.

“Dr. Altman?” The nurse called out. “Again?” Her voice was quiet as the trauma surgeon lifted a hand in response.

“Wait,” her voice had become soft. The monitor beeped as a small peak rose and fell. “Come on, Amelia,” Teddy muttered.

“Charge again,” Bailey ordered.

“Just give her a second,” Teddy pleaded, not taking her eyes off the screen. “She’s fighting.” The trio of doctors stared at the monitor while Link fixated his eyes on his girlfriend and slid his hand into hers once again, interlocking his fingers with hers. Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die. The monitor beeped, and then beeped again, and then again. Link forced himself to look up and watched as the numbers climbed.

“Thank you, god.” Bailey brought a shaking hand to her face before closing her fingers into a fist and pressing it to her forehead. “We are lucky that the lord is looking out for this woman because the people in her life seem to not be.” The comment cut through Link like a knife.

“Bailey, that is not fair!” Richard exclaimed. Link had never heard the man raise his voice with such aggravation, even Bailey winced as she stormed out of the room, throwing her gloves to the side.

“She’s lost a lot of people...and a lot of surgeons,” Richard muttered in apology to him.

“Can she breathe on her own?” Link choked, looking at Teddy, who shifted on her feet.

“She’s weak. I’d like to keep the tube in for a couple of hours at least. See how she does. I’d also like to get neuro down here to give her a check. Let’s get her up to the ICU for now and monitor her closely. She’s stable. Let’s focus on that for now.” Link nodded, not knowing what else to say as Teddy pulled off her gown and tossed it into the bin before practically staggering out of the stuffy room.

“I didn’t know.” Something about the way Richard was looking his way was causing a buildup of defensiveness inside him.

“How?” Richard shook his head with disappointment, massaging his throbbing temple and trying to block out the emphysematous but rhythmic breath sounds coming from the breathing tube. “How, did you just not know?” His colleague was radiating judgment and Richard’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits before his entire body slumped, in no effort to lecture Link about something he should be hearing from Amelia. He looked at his friend, without a trace of condemnation, knowing, so easily, that it could be him in that hospital bed and her where he was standing. “It’s not my place,” he finally stated, tearing his eyes away from Amelia and blinking away any buildup in his tear ducts. He turned to the nurse and thanked her, always polite. “When you take her up can you make it discreet?” He knew the woman had recognized Amelia immediately. “Her reputation is on the line.” The nurse nodded as if she understood. Richard thanked her again before exiting the room.

Richard had ended up telling Meredith, who stopped by to let Link know that she and Hayes would pick up Scout from daycare and take him home with them. Link couldn’t read her expression, it was clouded as if she was undergoing an internal conflict that caused her to wince and look away upon glancing at Amelia. Some of the colour had returned to her cheeks, they looked as if someone had applied too much blush to a pale complexion and were hot to the touch. Teddy had removed the breathing tube about an hour ago. She’d gasped at first, her lungs whistling and wheezing in protest. Enough to make Teddy almost contemplate putting it back in before the breathing had settled.

“You didn’t look for her,” Meredith blurted out, as if she’d been trying to keep the words at bay. The look on her face told him that she regretted saying it almost immediately.

“Neither did you,” he bit back, more aggressively than he would’ve liked. Meredith’s face snapped away from him so quickly it was as if he’d physically hit her.

“If you really loved her. Enough to marry her. Her response shouldn’t have mattered,” her voice was as sharp as a knife. “She loves you and she’s been unfortunate enough to have most of the people she’s loved taken away from her. Do you know how rare it is for Amelia to come to Maggie and I teary eyed because she finally feels safe and loved and not being pressured into anything by the person she loves? " Meredith took a step back as if she didn't want to continue but couldn't help herself. "Amelia is a runner. She breaks under the expectations that the people that she loves have of her and she functions under the fear that the people she loves are going to leave her or die. So if you want to be an ass and make her feel like she isn’t enough for you because she doesn’t feel the need to commemorate her love to you on a stupid peice of paper, I will remove you from my sister’s life.” She was gone before he could even think of a reply and he stared wordlessly at the spot she’d just vacated.

“No,” the voice was so soft he could barely hear it. His head whipped to where she was lying. “No, no, no, no.” Amelia’s eyes were wide and she recoiled as he reached out to touch her. Her heart monitor climbed and he pulled back his hand. She was looking at him in a way that made his skin crawl. He realized, then, that she was looking at him in fear. She looked scared. It shocked him how quickly everything had fallen apart. How quickly he’d gone from someone she’d loved to someone she felt as though she barely knew. But it wasn’t really that quickly, a part of him was whispering over his shoulder. You just didn’t want to accept it.

“Hey.” The words sounded stupid as soon as they left his mouth. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He found himself wondering what had happened to her over the last couple of days, the bruises scattered along her arms had become more evident as colour had returned to her skin. She gagged suddenly, moaning in a way that made him sick and he slid a kidney dish under her just in time. There didn’t seem to be much in her stomach so it was mostly dry heaving. Her heart monitor climbed every time he tried to touch her and he gave up on trying to hold back her hair.

“She’s awake?” Teddy stood in the doorway. Amelia looked up at her blankly before laying her head back against the hospital bed and staring up at the ceiling. The shame in her eyes were evident. Link nodded to Teddy, who gave him a somewhat genuine smile. “I’ll just do a quick vitals check.”

“No,” Amelia moaned, the pain in her voice causing Teddy to stop in her tracks. “I just want to go home. Let me go home.”

“You’re not going to go home though, are you?” Link glanced up to find Richard standing at the foot of the hospital bed, arms crossed. His stern expression was slightly wavering. Link wondered how hard it was for him to even be within two meters of her.

“Shut the fuck up,” Amelia spat, pulling her IV out of her wrist and throwing it across the room hard enough that the machine screeched against the concrete floor. Link grimaced as the IV site began to bleed. The sudden bout of energy seemed to exhaust her as she collapsed back onto the bed.

“We’re good for now, Doctor Altman,” Richard said softly, not wanting to watch as his coworker, and friend, incriminated herself in front of someone she’d regret. “You can go home with Maggie or I can check you into a rehab clinic, the choice is yours.” Link’s eyes fell to the floor, his face burning at the idea that he couldn’t be trusted to take care of her.

“Maggie’s on her honeymoon,” Amelia mumbled, the anger dying out in her eyes as she realized what his response would be before he even spoke it.

“I called her,” Richard confirmed her prediction. “Meredith is taking care of Scout and I shouldn’t even be in the same room as you.” Hot tears spilled down Amelia’s cheeks as she glared at him. You ruin everything. The voice in her head had been telling her over and over since she’d woken up.

“Rehab. I choose rehab. Call her and tell her not to come.” Maggie had arrived at the hospital an hour ago but Link decided to keep his mouth shut.

“Fine,” Richard sighed. “I’ll call right now.” He stepped outside where his daughter was waiting anxiously and placed both hands on her shoulders trying to calm her down.

“I need to go in and see her,” Maggie’s breathing was asynchronous, she held her shaky hands into her chest, trying to look into her sister’s hospital room.

“Don’t,” Richard warned. “She’s not herself right now. I shouldn’t have called and stressed you out. She chose rehab.” He watched as her face twisted in confusion.

“What? That’s ridiculous.” Maggie shook her head in disbelief. “Let me take her home.”

“I wasn’t expecting her to be this bad. It’s too much responsibility to put on anyone. I...I just don’t think it would be a good idea, Maggie.” He pulled her into a hug as she started to sob.

“Link, is he…” she trailed off as she buried her face into her biological father’s scrub top.

“It’s not anyone’s fault,” Richard sighed. “But out of everyone, he’s the last person that should be taking care of her right now.” Maggie nodded, cursing herself for not doing more as she had watched Amelia change over the last couple of months. “Has she mentioned anything about her friend Charlotte? She needs an ally, someone who understands how her brain works. I know how much you care about her, Maggie, but you can’t help her the way she really needs in a couple of days when the realization of what she’s done has hit.”

“Charlotte, the one in L.A.? I’ve talked to her a couple times, never really for too long, just over FaceTime when Amelia used to call her while living at Meredith’s.”

“Amelia brought her up a lot at meetings,” Richard bit the inside of his lip, hoping that he was making the right decision. “I think we need to call Charlotte. I think that she knows Amelia on a level that not any of us in Seattle can really understand.”

“Okay,” Maggie nodded, pushing her own feelings aside. “Get St. Ambrose Hospital in Los Angeles on the phone,” she loudly ordered to the intern, sitting at the nurses station, who had been just out of earshot, “And tell them I need to speak to Doctor Charlotte King.”

#amelia shepherd #amelink #amelink fanfiction #ameliashepherd #amelinkfanfiction #atticus lincoln #atticus link #greysanatomy #atticuslincoln

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johns-prince · 3 years

Note

TW for eating disorders, etc.

John OP here. Thanks for the beautifully written answer. I appreciate the honesty and in fact, you make very good points. I doubt I'd be the best influence on someone like John when it came to body image because we seem too alike in that department. I was a teenager in the size zero hysteria of the early 00s and this probably shaped my sense of aesthetics. I'm more relaxed about that now but my eye still responds to a certain look on people. I can't help it. I had my own "Fat Beatle" episode and I could tell how it all changed when I shed the weight. It didn't really matter how or whether I was miserable, I just looked the "right" way and people would let me know. It's possible I projected it all on poor John. But I know he'd relate to that in many levels.

I'm not a fan of the "rat man" thing either. I know people mean well and I try to look at it with humor but it does bother me. Mostly because the stans of the other boys are very positive about them and I'd like that for John too. His looks were a major part of his struggle so I know he'd be crushed watching everyone praising his mates (especially Paul) while he gets to be the fucking rat, you know? As I have mentioned before, you can feel it even on fanfiction. Even the writers who seem more John inclined will go on for pages about how pretty Paul (which he is, of course) and how lucky John was to be with him. Like it was a favor or something. That when the stories don't keep pushing that tired trope about Crazy John crushing on pretty but Immovable Sexuality Paul. That's not really my cup of tea tbh.

In the end I'm just happy to start this discussion

with intelligent people who will bring their opinions to the table respectfully. I hope my previous comment didn't trigger anyone or came across as worse than I hoped. If that was the case, I'd like to apologize, it really wasn't my intention.

Darling, don't fret. You've really nothing to be sorry about. One reason why I relate to John is because I have issues with bulimia to this day, and can experience hardcore body dysmorphia at the worst of times dues to my insecure and self hatred towards my body. I get it.

I remember that, vaguely at least, the whole size zero thing. I do, that was such a strange phenomenon, because it takes a certain body type to fit it naturally, or... Y'know, starving yourself.

Anyway, I think we all sort of project on our favorite boy, and we all sort of see ourselves in them too. You wouldn't be the first, and certainly won't be the last.

Yeah, I completely understand how you feel. Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm inclined to feel protective over John, and I feel like if you know about John's insecurities and struggles with himself in regards to his physical appearance, why... Would you yourself find it a silly and relatively harmless thing to apparently joke about calling him things like that, idk like I said I don't see anyone else really making such snide comments and quips when it comes to the other three. So at what time did the bandom just agree it was an acceptable thing to do towards John?

Whatever, people can do and say what they like y'know free country an' all, but I don't have to approve of it or like it.

Real talk, I low-key I am guilty of writing in that way but I primarily do it as if John feels that way, or thinks it, or feels it. Due to his insecurity and self doubt, the fear that he'll always be abandoned by those he holds dear and loves, the fear that it's all just too good to be true for him-- that's why I ever write a scene when it comes to Paul, that it's just John's way of thinking, not seeing his own worth, and ends up sort of idolizing those individuals (listen John once compared Paul to a religion that he knew/had so I feel like he idolized and saw Paul in this 'oh God he's too perfect oh no' sort of light, which both terrified and fed into the 'paul's going to leave me one day he'll figure it out that he doesn't need me I'm not enough' sort of mindset too) he just had a bit of a habit doing that to those he held intimately dear, until... They let him down or proved his insecurities and doubts right, that in the end they all leave him and don't actually love him. It's a cruel self fulfilling prophecy in a sense, since John, either consciously or subconsciously, put relationships and people through tests to see if they could withstand him and his antics, if they'd stay loyal, if they'd still love him. Sometimes he'd just push people away, and then feel like they just up and abandoned him...

I'm rambling. Anyway the point, your point, still stands! Their relationship shouldn't be written as one doing the other a favor for liking them and being with them! Maybe in reality people did think Paul was doing not only John a favor for being his partner but also a favor to everyone else, because John had Paul and Paul could be seen as the one handling John's lead. It's kind of like how some peer at John's art school thought Cynthia had done them all a favor for taking John.

I don't like that. John isn't some problem to be passed onto someone who must then bear the burden of him. That's just... Wrong. And I think both Cynthia and Paul would think so too. John could be challenging but geez, it shouldn't be made out like anyone who loved John and wanted to be around him and be with him was just some sort of favor to the world or to him.

If anything John and Paul were both extremely lucky to have found each other-- it's not exactly common for soulmates to find each other, especially at such a young age? Please. Most of us will never, which is common.

Like the crushing went both ways lol if anything it's Paul who crushed first-- while John never mentioned it, Paul had brought up how he'd noticed John long before meeting him at the Fete. They had even briefly talked at a newspaper shop which Paul had been working at. He'd see John on the streets, he'd notice him riding on the top deck of buses, or in line at the fish and chips-- he'd try and steal glances at John when he'd notice him on the same bus! Paul was instantly drawn to this tough looking teddy with big sideboards and greased hair and the drainies and a roguish air about him. He was like a schoolgirl with a crush, and he didn't even know this boy. Yet.

If anything it's Paul who noticed John first, and started crushing on John first. Then they finally were introduced at the local Fete, and that was it for both of them.

And let's be real John might've been a bit crazy, but Paul loved him, loved his touch of crazy. And Paul might be immoveable heterosexuality, but that goes straight out the window when it comes to John, and only John it appears.

So yeah, I get where you're coming from, and your grievances and perspective.

I'm glad you decided to share it with me! Sorry about my rambling (• ▽ •;)

#questionsquestionsquestions #beatles discussion/discourse #mclennon #i love conversations like this it's been awhile lol #also who intelligent people cause i ain't one of them #im just glad to be here y'all lol

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quazartranslates · 3 years

Text

Welcome to the Nightmare Game - CH95

**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

-----

Chapter 95: Castle Cry (XXII)

After leaving the room, the three walked silently through the corridor until Dr. Lu asked, "Where are we going now?"

"To the last sacrifice. What other places haven’t been explored yet on the second and third floors?" Su He asked.

"There’s several rooms we haven’t been in," Dr. Lu answered.

"Let’s just go there and have a look," Su He said.

Qi Leren is still thinking about Nina. She seems to regard everyone as a good person and blame herself for this tragedy, but ironically, perhaps she was the most innocent person in this story - at least her original intentions were good.

"Do you think that Mrs. Sarah's madness was caused by Dr. Flajser?" Qi Leren asked.

"Er... This can't be judged yet, but it looks quite like that," Dr. Lu said, touching his chin. "From the rules of horror stories, Dr. Flajser being the puppet master behind everything sounds much more interesting than the story of a simple lady who went crazy because of love."

"Don't be too obsessed with exploring who’s behind the scenes. Some tasks will have many plausible possibilities. Different players will have different opinions and will disagree," Su He said.

"That's true, hey, how much have we completed now?" Dr. Lu asked.

“75%,” Su He told them.

"It seems that the plot has advanced a lot. It should be that each demon sacrifice found has a fixed completion value, and some important events and discoveries have a fixed completion value. Is this how it’s calculated?" Dr. Lu asked again.

Su He nodded with a smile, but did not speak.

"That..." Dr. Lu asked again.

"If it is not convenient to answer, don't say it," Qi Leren interrupted.

Dr. Lu gave a long cry: "Right, then I'd better not ask."

By this time, the three people had walked out of the corridor with the magnificent hall ahead of them, the huge crystal chandelier lit, and bright light on the ground, which set off the magnificent glory of the castle.

A slender figure stood on the platform above the curved corridor, with long silky black hair and a gorgeous and elegant dress. Xiao Hong's bloody body at her feet made her calm and collected appearance become eerie. She stood under the hanging frame of the family portrait, admiring it with her hands behind her back. It seemed as if she heard the footsteps below. She slowly turned around and looked at them on the ground floor.

Luo Xueyi, wearing the same dress as the crazy lady in the portrait, said with a sigh: "Ah, you have come."

Under the dazzling crystal chandelier, standing on the platform, she looks like a nun who was about to sing songs for the gods, with lowered eyes and dignified expression.

Qi Leren stepped forward and asked, "Who are you?"

Luo Xueyi smiled mysteriously: "I am the ghost who killed Adeline. I am the countless betrayals that Sarah has noticed from the details, and the jealousy that will never burn out in her heart. I am her. Look, she is burning..."

With her sighing voice, waves of flames welled up under her feet. In the dazzling light, she smiled at them without pain and closed her eyes. The flames were like a lotus flower, which bloomed quietly in the sinful night and devoured Luo Xueyi's body. By the time Qi Leren rushed up the stairs to save her, she had turned into a mass of ashes, together with the dead half-body left at her feet.

The burnt floor was blackened, and Qi Leren stood for a while. Dr. Lu and Su He had already come up.

"What did she really want to do? Why did she suddenly self-immolate?" Qi Leren was completely confused.

Su He stood aside, thought for a moment, and pointed to the ashes on the ground with his cane: "These ashes may be of some use."

Qi Leren sighed and bent down to pick them up. Before his hand touched the ashes, it was lifted by Su He's cane: "Don't use your hands."

"Ah?"

Su He lifted a small amount of ashes with his cane, and the black and gray powder rose up and crackled in the air. A fire appeared out of thin air and disappeared into thin air in a few seconds.

"Don't be careless, these are no ordinary ashes. They should be an item for the boss. Well, has this copy finally remembered that it’s D-level difficulty? It’s quite generous. Miss Luo Xueyi probably came to give the item in person," Su He said, smiling.

Qi Leren and Dr. Lu couldn't help but squint at the ashes on the ground. In fact, normal people couldn't think of the use of such a thing.

"I was worried that Luo Xueyi and Nan Lu would merge into one for the final battle. Now it seems that it won’t be so difficult," Su He was glad to say.

Qi Leren imagined such a scene and couldn't help shivering: "Thank God, fortunately not."

"Luo Xueyi’s words, just what is the meaning of that sentence? I always felt that she had no deep meaning until now." Dr. Lu recalled the words before Luo Xueyi set herself on fire, and felt that they seemed to have great implications.

"It should be some kind of metaphor and hint. It’s also because of her words that I think there’s something wrong with the ashes left by her," Su He said. "When Luo Xueyi and Nan Lu confronted each other, she said that she was Sarah. I’m inclined to think she was telling the truth, but there is a difference between the two 'Sarahs'. Luo Xueyi's Sarah is a calm and pure evil persona, just like the Sarah who murdered Adeline. She was not crazy, but was calm and knew what she was doing, just like when she killed Nina. But Mrs. Sarah of Nan Lu is more like a kind of crazy jealousy over love. It can be said that Luo Xueyi's Sarah is a personality different from Nan Lu's Sarah. She knows of John's betrayal. Because of this jealousy and hatred, Luo Xueyi's Sarah appeared."

I thought she would rush in and scream bloody murder at her husband, just like before, but she didn't. She turned to me... She was so angry, but she was so calm, I suddenly felt that she was really crazy at this time…

Nina's words once again appeared in Qi Leren's mind. At that time, Sarah was completely controlled by the evil thoughts of jealousy, so why would she kill Nina for the sacrifice?

"Are you saying that Mrs. Sarah actually has multiple personalities?" Dr. Lu asked cheerfully.

"To some extent, it can be explained this way, but this story is not a horror story with multiple personalities. I think it is only because Mrs. Sarah was influenced by the power of the Devil after that this task was polluted, so she became more and more crazy and horrible. But where on earth did she learn such an evil way of offering sacrifices? This is also a problem," Su He said.

"Ah, the water is so deep," Dr. Lu shook his head.

Qi Leren went to the kitchen to find cleaning tools - before he went, he was asked by Su He to bring some oil back - and carefully swept the ashes into the dustpan, and then put them away with great care. It was possible that he would have to rely on these things to save his life in the end.

The three men then continued to gather clues. They found nothing more on the second floor, but something on the third floor.

"This seems to be a bedroom! But the door isn’t locked!" Dr. Lu, who was opening the doors from room to room, turned back and shouted to the two men.

The room faintly carried the Devil’s energy, but it was not very strong. It seemed like an illusion. Qi Leren strode in and rummaged around with Dr. Lu in the bedroom, but found nothing useful. The wardrobe’s door was not tightly closed, and it was full of crazy lady's clothes.

"Since this door is unlocked, could it be that someone has been here before? Were Luo Xueyi’s and Nan Lu’s dresses taken from here?" Qi Leren asked, recalling the crazy lady's dress Luo Xueyi wore.

"It's possible. The wardrobe door isn’t closed now, so it's a bit suspicious." Dr. Lu and Qi Leren studied a bunch of the woman's clothes.

Dr. Lu also proposed to find Johann's clothes to wear. Maybe the crazy lady would lose without fighting if she thought she was despised by Qi Leren: "What if the boss runs away?"

"Anyway, if you’re the one playing him, I’m not worried," Dr. Lu said innocently.

Qi Leren said combatively: "Believe it or not, I’ll use you as a shield!"

"No, you wouldn't!" Dr. Lu was really scared and refused with a face of fear.

Su He, who was standing by the door, also came in and walked around, asking, "Where’s the dressing table mirror?"

"Ah?" "Oh right, where's the mirror?" Dr. Lu and Qi Leren, who were playing games, didn't notice this detail. Now they finally felt something was wrong. There was no mirror on the dressing table, which was totally unreasonable.

Why was there no mirror? Qi Leren looked at the dressing table and thought.

Was it that since the crazy lady was disfigured, she couldn't look at herself in the mirror, or what would be reflected in the mirror… Was that why she put away the mirror?

"Let me see." Dr. Lu went to the dressing table, opened the drawer, and threw things out one by one. He fumbled and knocked around and finally found that there was a hidden compartment in the drawer.

At the moment when the secret compartment was opened, Qi Leren obviously felt that the Devil’s power had become thick. Dr. Lu found an iron box inside and said excitedly, "Sure enough!"

[Obtained the Devil's Sacrifice 6/6]

The tin box was opened, and inside the box were cut nails.

"Your love bird has flown away from you. Do you want it to stay on your shoulder forever?" In front of the mirror, which emitted deep and remote cold green light, the crazy lady simply sat. Her gaunt face was reflected strangely in the dressing mirror, and that face poured out attractive words in a bewitching voice.

It was an irresistible temptation for her.

-----

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

#Welcome to the Nightmare Game #欢迎来到噩梦游戏 #danmei

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ironxkid · 3 years

Text

at least you can say you tried - ikau one-shot

As Carter stepped into the barn, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders - safe from prying eyes. It was their pity that was suffocating her. How they stared at her as if they were expecting her to suddenly break. To snap and lash out at them. And she knew that... expectation wasn’t misplaced. Knew she had proven herself to be nothing more than volatile time and time again. She just... couldn’t explain to them why she was actually hurting. Couldn’t explain how relieved she felt knowing Obadiah was finally dead. They wouldn’t understand, and she feared the disgust that would follow if she admitted how she felt about it.

But... the vision the Maximoff girl had stirred in her head still haunted her. She could still see the Avengers scattered across the ruined battlefield - dead or dying as leviathan after leviathan escaped through the portal and headed to Earth. Could still hear Obadiah’s booming voice as he reminded her she had fucked up yet again. It was that that was killing her. The fact she had been responsible for the deaths of her teammates. That, in her desperation to protect them (in Obadiah’s insistence it was the only way--), she had sealed their fate.

Her chest felt far too tight for her to breathe - her heart aching as her vision blurred, and she bit the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood as she struggled to keep herself from crying. That was the only thing she could do right, wasn’t it? The only thing anyone could count on her to do was to fuck things up spectacularly, and she wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow her whole. For her to just disappear and never return. Because... it would be better for the others. Better if she was gone.

Carter shook her head, struggling to keep herself together as she forced herself to focus her attention on the broken-down tractor. Her mind felt numb, and each step seemed to sap whatever strength she had left. There was a steady throbbing in her chest surrounding the reactor, and... she welcomed it. It was the least she deserved - the physical pain she could swallow. God, she was falling apart--

“Hello, Deere,” she said, her voice hoarse and faint - heavy with an unspoken agony. But she managed to, somehow, hold herself together just enough as she stopped next to the tractor - crouching down as she peered at the engine. “What- what ails you?”

“Do me a favor,” a voice said, and Carter bit her cheek again to keep from swearing. “Try not to bring it to life.”

With a dry scoff, Carter forced herself to stand, her shoulders tensing as she turned to face Fury - her expression hardening despite the pain in her chest worsening. You were dead, she wanted to say, fresh tears burning in her eyes. Where were you? She shouldn’t have been surprised he was still alive, but...

It still hurt.

“Let me- me guess,” she said, her hard voice already cracking as she blinked rapidly. “Hill called you- you, right? Is she never- never not working for- for you?”

“Artificial intelligence.” Fury stepped closer, hands in his pockets as he ignored her question. “You never even hesitated.”

Was that amusement in his voice?

Carter bristled, her gaze flashing with anger and hurt as she squared her jaw - shoving her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket as they began to shake. “You- You don’t know what happened.” her voice was eerily quiet, but... she couldn’t get it to steady. “Don’t--”

He stared down at her, but... Was that concern in his gaze? “Look me in the eye and tell me you’re going to shut him down.”

Damn him.

She inhaled sharply, unable to stop her breath from shaking as she dropped her gaze - her skin prickling as she resisted the urge to bolt. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her, but--

Obadiah was going to haunt her, wasn’t he?

“Carter--”

“You’re not the- the director of me,” she snapped before she could catch herself, and refused to look back to him. Refused to see the anger that would inevitably show up because she couldn’t get herself to stop--

Fury let out a heavy sigh as he sat down on a hay barrel next to them, and as she finally forced herself to lift her gaze back to him, she was startled to see he looked weary.

“I’m not the director of anybody,” he reminded, and the gentleness in his tone almost made her flinch. “Just an old man - who cares very much about you.”

Carter turned her head as her bottom lip trembled, and she silently cursed herself for being so weak. She couldn’t break down - not to Fury. Not to anyone. She was an Avenger - she was Iron Man - and she couldn’t allow herself to fall apart. She needed to be strong. Needed to be--

“Carter,” he said again, his tone patient. Still concerned. “What don’t I know?”

She forced herself to take a deep breath in, though it shook as her vision blurred - her chest shuddering as she struggled to steady her breathing. Struggled to keep herself from crying. “I’m the- the one who killed the- the Avengers,” she choked out, self-hatred spitting out with each word.

She couldn’t get herself to face him despite still feeling his gaze trained directly on her. Couldn’t get herself to reign in what little control over her emotions she had left as she shook her head slowly - unable to stop a few tears from running down her face. “I- I didn’t tell them,” she whispered, venom still evident in her tone as she scowled - hating that she was slipping. Hating that she was being so pathetic. “How- how could I? But... I- I saw them. I- I saw them all- all dead. I- I felt it. And... and the- the whole world was- was dead, too. Because of- of me.”

Slowly, Carter walked away from Fury, still unable to face him as she slumped down onto a stool a few feet away - once more by the John Deere. She hunched over her lap, pulling her hands free as she buried her face into them, and shook her head slowly as a shudder ran through her body. And... a part of her no longer cared she was falling apart. No longer cared what punishment would follow. She deserved it, anyway. The ruin that was following Ultron’s birth was her own fault, but... she just wished she was the only one being punished for it.

“I- I didn’t do everything I- I could.” Carter scoffed, her lip curling as she wiped roughly at her eyes - keeping her attention trained away from Fury. “I... I let- let it happen because I- I didn’t do- do enough. Because...” Because I’m weak. I’m nothing like my father. Because I’m nothing.

“That Maximoff girl is working you, kid,” Fury said finally, still... concerned, and a part of her hated it. “Playing on your fear.”

“I- I wasn’t tricked!” Carter snapped, jerking her head up as she finally stared back at him - her vision blurred with hot tears as she tried to glare, her shoulders trembling. “She- she showed me my- my legacy. It- it wasn’t some- some nightmare. It was- was what I’m- I’m gonna cause. I... I- I was supposed to- to carry my father’s- father’s legacy, and... I- I ruined it with my- my own. And...” She scoffed. “The- the worst part wasn’t- wasn’t seeing them dead. It...”

“The worst part,” Fury interrupted, standing as he walked towards her, his brow furrowed, “was that you didn’t.”

She stared at him as her chest heaved, and she turned her head away once more as she rubbed her eyes roughly. “I- I should’ve,” she whispered, a bitter chuckle catching in her throat. “I- I should’ve been the- the first to die. But... I guess I- I survived as a- a reminder as to how- how badly I- I fucked up.” Carter fell silent for a moment, biting her lip to swallow a strangled sob as she buried her face into her hands. She could only imagine his disappointment. His anger. All rightfully deserved, but still painful - the thought of it alone enough to tear through her heart. She could hardly breathe as she tried to keep herself from actually crying, and her leg bounced rapidly as she gasped for breath. “That’s- that’s all I- I can do, isn’t it? I... I- I can’t do any-anything right, Fury. I just... I- I wanted to- to protect everyone. To- to save them, and... I- I failed. I--”

She flinched as she heard him step closer, and her heart lodged in her throat as he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder - crouching down next to her.

“Carter,” Fury said quietly, “this can still be turned around. The question is, are you up for that?”

With a sharp inhale, Carter wiped at her nose as she slowly turned her gaze to him - staring uncertainly as she searched his expression for any sign of anger. Of disappointment. But... there was none, and she almost recoiled seeing that... he was genuinely worried. That he wasn’t hiding or pretending.

And she didn’t know how to feel about it.

“What- what if I- I can’t?”

“At least you can say you tried.”

#v; iron kid au #mun writes #((this is not a starter btw fsdjhkdj #I just needed to write something))#c; Nick Fury #death tw #abuse tw #((did I edit this? nope!#will I regret that? yup!))

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dumdrop · 3 years

Text

For My Evil Dark Lord

A playlist I made for my cousin. A playlist filled with songs and artists that I know she would like if she ever listened to me and took my suggestions. These songs make me think of her every time I listen to them. I picked songs that I think she's never listened to before. This playlist will probably go on for a long time because it goes back a few years. These are songs you should ABSOLUTELY know before you get kicked. These songs aren't ranked or in order because I'm lazy and stomach go ouch.

P.S. I'm gonna have sections of a band and talk about them. Also, I can't add every song here, I'm limited to 10, so I'll just pick the one I want you to listen to the most. I'll list the songs I want you to listen to first and then add my commentary.

@dangthatsalottabeans This is him!

Hokus Pokus by Insane Clown Posse

Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz

You know how much I love guitar riffs!

Helter Skelter by The Beatles

The Rockiest song by the Beatles. Also guitar riffs!

Think by Kaleide

Also a creepy song. I can't not think of John Wick when I listen to it though.

Sit down now. We're discussing Ace of Base now

All That She Wants & The Sign. Both great poppy songs! Try getting these songs out of your head! And you know I love women in bands!

Possum Kingdom by Toadies

Santa Monica by Everclear

I love this guy's voice! But it's actually a sad song, even though his voice kinda masks that.

Hush! Hush!! We're talking about a king now: Conan Gray

Generation Why, The Other Side, The Story, Maniac, & Heather. This someone I've been trying to get you into for FOREVER NOW! The Story has many stories about all the unfair things that he's seen in this world, from the effects of bullying and self-hatred to a fear of being your 100 percent authentic self. He also references a number of experiences that him and his friends had as a child, including "a boy and a girl" who are now "gone, headstones on a lawn," as well as "a boy and a boy" who were "best friends with each other, but always wished they were more." FUCKING GENIUS & BEAUTIFULLY DARK AND REAL! I WISH I WERE HEATHER!!

Zip-Lock by Lit

Even though this song is awesome, it's oddly and sadly unpopular. I think you should absolutely listen to this song. I don't think you'll like this song but what the hell?

Redemption Song by Bob Marley & The Wailers

Probably the most beautiful and important song ever in the history of music. It discussed slavery and African culture and history. The song urges listeners to "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery," because "None but ourselves can free our minds." A perfect BLM song! Also the very last song Mr. Marley did, which makes it even more sad.

Part 5 <==> Part 7

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afraschatz · 5 years

Text

Leverage - Nate Ford, not a nice man

Let me talk about Leverage some more because, well, it’s Leverage. And let’s talk about Nate.

Mastermind Nate Ford.

When you first watch the show, Nate is the character that you possibly just kind of tolerate while you instantly fall in love with Hardison (or Eliot / Parker / Sophie). Nate is probably not the one you’d name as your favourite.

And let’s get this straight: John Rogers repeats over that Nate Ford is not a nice man. And boy, he isn’t kidding. Nate Ford is, in fact, a massive dick.

One of my favourite, and soooo not-talked-about-enough things about Leverage is the reason why the team comes together: Dubenic kinda underestimates just how vengeful and smart Nate is, yes, but he is spot on when he - very deliberately - picks Nate Ford, a supposed white hat, to CONTROL a group of the world’s greatest criminals.

I think we tend to underestimate just what that means at that moment. That’s because we all know very early on - thanks in huge parts to the tongue-in-cheek nature of the flashbacks - what good people Parker, Hardison, and Eliot actually can be. And because of that we underestimate who they are at that moment, to the world: Eliot is Moreau’s favourite and most efficient killer (“Please, don’t ask me, Parker”), Hardison is the a brilliant hacker in the age of the geek whose fingertips could unleash the collapse of civilization, and Parker is a loner thief who actually blew up her parents’ house as a kid, with them potentially inside. These are SERIOUSLY dangerous people.

Yes, Dubenic kindles Nate’s need for revenge and strokes his ego by telling him that he needs an honest man. But the real reason why he picks Nate to wrangle those three is that he rightfully assumes that Nate is both smarter AND more ruthless than the world’s best criminals combined.

Nate Ford is not a nice man.

Nate is the one who figures out that Dubenic withheld the money in The Nigerian Job, so he can get them all in one place to kill them. And his reaction is to LAUGH OUT LOUD and wait with a fucking smirk on his face until the slower kids in the class figure it out, too.

Nate is the one who, throughout the show, easily plays the sleaziest of lawyers, the hardest of CEOs and five-star-generals. Sure, because the cons often call for such a character (someone the mark can focus all their hatred on, distracting him from what is really going on), and someone has to do it. But it’s usually Nate playing them because he really doesn’t mind being the asshole that everyone hates and wants to get rid off.

Nate is the one who goes after the world’s most influential and ruthless villains with just his brain as a weapon, and he is not afraid, not for a single second. Nate takes on Moreau, the man even Eliot is fucking afraid of. It’s very likely that he kills Chesney - a man who was perfectly okay with letting a boy die, so he could get the donor heart - with just his voice and over the fucking phone. And he absolutely manipulates Dubenic and Latimer into killing each other (the look when he walks away and the two of them fall in The Last Dam Job? SO underrated).

Nate is the one who has Jimmy Ford for a dad, a character even less likable than Nate himself - apparently near to no empathy, very egotistical / self-centered, hella manipulative, very set in his ways. And it’s Jimmy who actually kind of fears Nate, not the other way around; he fears both his incredible cleverness as well as his ruthlessness, even if he does a good job of hiding it behind contempt.

Nate is the one who runs a con on his own team in season two and who deliberately keeps secrets from them in season three AND four. Hell, he runs a con on US throughout the entire first half of the series’ finale by making us believe everyone died.

Nate is also the one who, week in and week out, has to run dozens of scenarios in his head, including several in which members of his team die. “Hardison dies in plan M” is played off as a joke in The Nigerian Job, yes, but The Long Goodbye Job lets us experience first hand what that ACTUALLY means. I am still fucked up from that, even after seven years, and even though the OT3’s death is fiction within fiction. Nate lives with that scenario week in and week out.

Nate Ford really is not ‘hard on the outside, soft on the inside’. He is granite on the inside.

And yet?

Maggie, “the most honest person we know”, loved him and - even more importantly - still loves him. Eliot, who time and time again proves that he has the best people skills of them all (fight me on this), trusts his judgment right from the start. (Seriously, watch The Nigerian Job solely for the interactions between Nate and Eliot, oh God, it’s soooo good. - Parker and Hardison are great as well, sure, but nearly all of the serious conversations have Nate and Eliot at the center - and for a reason!).

Sophie loves him. Hardison loves him. Parker loves him.

Why is that? Is it because Maggie doesn’t see the ‘real’ Nate behind the insurance man? Is it because Nate plays to Eliot’s own need for revenge (and eventually: redemption)? Is it because Sophie is forever blinded by her crush on him, Hardison too naive, Parker too broken to know better?

We know it’s not that.

Maggie is fucking smart, and we get ample proof for that in The Second David Job alone, where we also see how well she understands Nate. Eliot is the team’s shield from the moment in The Nigerian Job where he hauled Hardison out of the warehouse. He can kill people with an horsd’oevre; he knows how to run risk assessment. Sophie proves time and time again over the course of the five seasons how well she knows Nate, Hardison’s heart is never wrong, and Parker? She understands Nate as well as she understands herself (which is, I realize, an ambiguous statement, but one to explore in another post :)).

They trust Nate because Nate IS granite on the inside. Because his moral code is unwavering.

They trust Nate because Nate is smart enough to surround himself with people to call him on his bullshit. They compensate with their compassion what he seems to lack. They could very well get by on their own but chose that they are better together. They know that he might run the occasional con on them but he would never try and twist them into something they aren’t or don’t want to be.

And they love Nate because Nate’s capability to love is unconditional and boundless. All it takes to prove that to us is that gut-wrenching six second long scream when Sam dies. Watch that scene again, I dare you, and then try to contradict me. And if you then haven’t tortured yourself enough yet, watch the bookend scene to that in The Long Goodbye Job when he pretends to grieve for his dead team. That grief is so real because Tim Hutton is a brilliant, brilliant actor, and it’s so real because that is what Nate feels, every time he thinks of fucking plan M.

I love him so much. I love Leverage so much.

#leverage #nate ford #eliot spencer #alec hardison #sophie deveraux #parker #things i love about #the mastermind #the long goodbye job #the nigerian job #the last dam job #tim hutton

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aroarolibrary · 3 years

Text

Oh man so, first off: congrats to angel/dean shippers on getting your canon thing in spanish but secondly:

Man this whole thing that’s been happening with this show over the last few weeks has 100% reminded me that this show and Sherlock were the two fandoms that made be super romance repulsed because of all the internalized self-hate and trauma they caused me. Like. I was romance repulsed before but those fandoms?? Jacked it up to 100% for years in which I couldn’t interact with any romantic stories or fandoms at all.

Story time!!!

Tw for: self harm, self hatred, hypersexuality, mental health issues, child neglect.

So imagine you are me: a young person who has just graduated high school and, very suddently, went from being “single mother of your little sister” who you had essentially raised on your own for the last four years when she was 5 to 9 yo to “every day college kid that sees their sibling that they raised for the last four years maybe once a month.

Also imagine that, out of all of your high school friends, none of them are attending the same university as you and so. Well.

You’re feeling pretty lonely and depressed.

Now also imagine: you didn’t really have a chance to consume media I HS because: parent. In fact 90% of what you watched was kids cartoons for your sibling +bonus Inuyasha at 3am as a...Uh....treat.....(that’s the kind way of saying ‘setting an alarm at 3am to check to make sure the parents actually got home from wherever TF they vanished to nearly every night).

But hey! You are free now and can watch/read what you want between classes! Only, well, where to start? You go to a book store and find a Sherlock Holmes book and think “okay ya I’ve always wanted to read these!” And proceed to consume them in one week flat.

They are amazing. The relationship between Sherlock and John reminds you of your and one of your best friends/honorary cousins that you haven’t seen in a while and it brings you comfort to read, but now you are out of stories so, you do what any person this day in ages does: you find fanfiction. Now, Sherlock wasn’t a thing at this point and so nearly all the fanfics were based on the books and, of those, 80-85% you gen. No romance at all. Just relaxing stories about friends and solving mysteries.

Then Sherlock happens and, don’t get me wrong, I was definitely a fan when the show started, but suddenly fanfiction was no longer mostly gen, it was shifting, becoming more and more shipping and romance related and it became harder and harder to find non-romantic stories.

Then a person I was living with suggested supernatural. “It’s a story about brothers and it focuses on them.” They said “very little romance. You would probably like it.”

And so I watched it and, they were right, I did. And ya, that one wasn’t exactly like the early Sherlock Holmes fandom, it had a lot of shipping from the get go, but I could also really easily find gen fics that focused on siblings and familial relationships and ignore the rest since there was a pretty even 50/50 split with a slight favor on the gen side.

(Keep in mind there is a LOT of other irl trauma going on in the BG of this story which I know I’ve talked about before. A lot of which is also feeding into the romance repulsion and my avoidance of romance in fandom spaces along with my “blossoming” hypersexuality)

Anyway, the familial relationship in spn was a comfort. At the point I moved from Sherlock to SPN I was in my second year on university and was doing a bit better mentally (in the “sadness” front at least) but I was still missing seeing my sister a lot and so SPN was a comfort in that sense. It was something to relax with that didn’t have romance or anything of the sort that, at that point, was only driving me further and further into hypersexuality (I was dating my first ‘official’ partner at that point and, while I can recognize it now looking back, romance in shows and movies made me feel inadequate as a partner. Like I was failing and not doing enough. Was not romantic enough. Was not showing affection enough. But physically I also couldn’t bring myself to do those things either. What I could do was sex. And, well, when that’s all you have to offer...)

ANYWAY: spn was the one show I knew of on TV that was low to no romance and that the fandom was also decently low on romance, instead focusing mostly on family and the brothers.

Cut forward a few years, I’m back into a depression, I’ve failed at a relationship again because all I can offer is sex and that’s really not enough for people that are looking for actual romance and:

And supernatural introduces an angel character to the show. It’s interesting but I’m pretty depressed and not really all that interested in the show anyway at this point-

But then the fandom happens and it’s like a flood. The romance pours in from all corners along with the absolute hate for anyone that doesn’t see anything romantic happening. It’s like watching a wild fire go through a fandom, what was once a fandom that mostly was just about siblings all of a sudden became all about this angel character and Dean. So much so that it over shadowed everything and any attempt to just enjoy the show as a gen thing or as a family-centric show became impossible.

It was also around this point that a lot of...idk what to call it really because it wasn’t exactly hate, it was like a “this is the only way to read/be in this fandom and if you aren’t we are going to harass you non-stop until you see things our way”. If you couldn’t see the romance between these two characters it was because you were homophobic. If you preferred gen it was because you were homophobic. If you focused on just the brothers and their relationship it was because you were homophobic. If you couldn’t see that Dean was better off in a romantic relationship then with his brother who he had an ‘unhealthy’ relationship with then you were homophobic.

(Keep in mind at this point I was out as bisexual and had attempted to date a woman at this point. I say attempted because, well, again: aromantic even if I didn’t know it then)

It was intense and, from the POV of an aromantic person struggling with being unable to understand even basic romance: it was traumatizing.

I tried to see it, to understand what these shippers were seeing that I couldn’t. Yes, I could see how Sam and Dean’s relationship could be viewed as unhealthy, but as someone who had lived a similar life to theirs as a kid, and to suddenly be bombarded with this idea that the “healthy” way to cope with that is a “romantic relationship” it was a lot. And by a lot I mean a death spiral.

There was...a lot of one night stands and sex and half-attempted relationships after that, in that desperate attempt to understand. There was also panic, nausea, fear that my own relationship with my sister was unhealthy. Was causing both of us harm. That the only way I could keep from hurting her further was to find a “healthy” romantic relationship instead because siblings aren’t meant to be close, not even those where one raised the other alone for years on end.

I had no context outside of fandom about what a healthy sibling relationship looked like and, hell, most TV shows at the time painted sibling relationships as antagonist 90% of the time and with them only interacting when necessary. My parents both had siblings but my dad talked to his maybe once a month and my mom faught with Hers a lot. I had never faught with my sister. We got along perfectly, mostly because from the ages on 13 - 18 I lived for her alone and so I was used to putting her first no matter what.

But this fandom, that had been a comfort for me for a while, suddenly said that was wrong. That instead romance was the way to go and I...

Well. I am conscious of myself enough now to know that I was purposely hurting myself. A lot. Punishing myself over and over and over again, not just because I couldn’t figure out how to “feel” romance like I was supposed to do but also because I was a terrible sibling. Because I had failed my sister some how and had ended up in an “unhealthy codependent” relationship with her since, if Sam and Dean’s relationship was like that according to fans, then obviously so was ours.

(God and don’t get me started on the spiral that the new Inuyasha Sequel put me into a few months ago. I’m STILL not out of that spiral yet. These last few months have not been good for the “romance isn’t important/is unnecessary” front)

I would like to say that I soon realized how terrible the fandom was for my mental health and that it was causing me to harm myself but that isn’t how this story ends. How it ends is that I Eventually I ended up not being able to watch SPN any more. Every episode was just another dagger in my side. Another failure to press my face into. Another series of interactions where I couldn’t see. Couldn’t understand. Another episode that would let to another desperate one night stand/attempt at understanding how this was better. Healthier. How this was how things were supposed to be. Another night of not talking to my family or friend and another few days of not talking to my sister because talking to her too much was wrong.

So ya. This story doesn’t end nicely. It just slowly fades to black. To a point where I hate myself so much that I can’t bring myself to interact with the fandom or internet at all. Where everything just kind of...goes away and vanished but where the trauma still exists. Where stories that start out about family and, suddenly, introduce love interests leave me nauseous and choked. Where my romance repulsion gets so strong that I can’t sleep because I just keep remembering my failures. The fact that it’s not healthy to focus or care about your family. That there must be romance. There must There must there must. Because with out it all other relationships are bad/wrong/unhealthy and you are bad/wrong/unhealthy for only having those.

Just the endless mantra. All night long.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Over and over and over again.

#can you tell what’s been on my mind all night?#ah memories #at least I’m at a point where I can recognize this as self-harm behavior to ‘fix’ myself #and not a healthy ‘but maybe if I have more sex I’ll fall in love’ situation i had going on before

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