#its just his true nature coming out its just his true nature coming out its j

[grind-pantera]

Head First. ( Noa x Human! Reader.) Part Four.

man i may as well write a whole book lmao

Title: Head First. Fandom: ( Kingdom of the ) Planet of the Apes. Rating: T. ( Tiny bits of fleeting injury mention, some mating innuendos. The same as the rest of the series lol. ) Words: 7.3K ( Holy SMOKES- ) Pairing: Heavily Implied Noa x Human!Reader ( HEY WE MOVED UP A BIT ) Summary: You could grovel. You could beg forgiveness for being offended... Or you could just wait in silence for Noa to speak. They all seemed like such good ideas. READ THE SERIES: Part One: Customary. Part Two: Gone Hunting. Part Three: Wounded Pride.

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Silence fell over the two of you, a consequence of the circumstances you supposed. Not supposed, you knew better, but that’s just how you put it to keep the guilt at bay, to keep it from eating you from the inside out. Fingers finding a new home in the rocky sand underneath your body, you contemplated and tried so desperately to reason with the part of yourself that was telling you to gravitate closer to him, pull yourself nearer, let him know with just your body that you were sorry, that you couldn’t bear to be without him.

Scoffing quietly at that, your more rational side came back with its own rebuttal. Just talk to him. It’s the least he deserved after the cold encounters you’ve had since your hunting trip. The stares of conflict from across the communal dinners, the times when you were with Soona, having to stand down and excuse yourself if you saw Noa approaching, the intense scrutiny Noa found himself in when you had turned your attention towards him. Scrutiny not just from you anymore. He could feel it coming from Anaya now who had a true lack of understanding. That’s how Noa urged himself to feel better after the argument earlier in the day. No, no… He shook his head and shut his eyes for a moment. The disagreement earlier in the day. That was better.

The sun setting was nice, you thought numbly to yourself in some subtle attempt at not letting your eyes dig into Noa. The way that the sun dipped in shades from bright oranges near the horizon, all the way to the fluffy and pink nature of the clouds that were hovering so delicately over the landscape, maybe ready to turn for the worst as it was the time of year for those storms to brush the area during the early evenings and into the late nights. If only you were in a different juxtaposition… You would look at that setting sun and beg to think that it was a romantic setting if you weren’t so aware of the choked tension floating between one mind all the way to another.

Pulling your hands upwards, you wrapped them around yourself and traced the lovely nature of those clouds with your gaze, clasping your elbows and smearing dirt to your skin as a result of your hands previously being buried in the Earth. It appeared like you were a small child, looking at Noa, how tightly sprung together he was, and decided to take the same position yourself. Your ribs pressed against your knees as you pulled in on yourself. In no way was it comfortable but there was a calming sensation that rolled over you at the idea of squeezing yourself out of existence. There was nothing tying your eyes to the sky and they fell like a hardened raindrop to the Chimp in front of you.

The way that his shoulders were dominoing in, the way that his breathing was slow, pensive and full of thought. Fur was a bit on edge, raised around his shoulder blades and on his neck. He had acknowledged that you were there when you first stumbled upon him. He hadn’t heard you move away so the safe assumption was that you were both sitting in deafening silence out of pride. Which one was more stubborn, Ape or Echo?

Deep down, you hoped it was your resolve that was going to persevere.

You had to be judging him, he figured and out of mild self-deprecation, he’d in turn think that he was deserving of that… Deserving of you scolding him with the heat of your gaze, deserving to never be in your presence again… How he just wanted to be near you again, even if it was in dull conversations that served no consequences from either one of you. It should have stayed that way, Noa beckoned to himself, a bemused chortle hitting the back of his throat at the idea. Flicking the water with his fingers, he watched as a ripple effect took hold and scattered like the wind along its surface. It should have stayed simple… Should not have ever happened, he spent so much time now convincing himself that the feral pull he had towards you meant nothing, and that he just wanted to go on with his life. You didn't want to be with him. He didn't want to be with you. Apart, separated by years upon years of misunderstanding and battling cultures.

Despite trying to convince himself otherwise, his feelings were the polar opposite. It made him ache, pulling at a part of him that he didn't even know existed. A part that would disappear the day you decided to leave the Eagle Clan to go back and live a decent life of normalcy, maybe even finding another group of Echo nomads.

Twitching his right shoulder at that, he tried to shake it off. The thought… of you leaving… Noa never seeing you again, Noa never being able to hear your voice in his head, holding out on some immature thought that maybe you’d come back to him. Noa knew that if that’s what you chose, he’d have to stand down and let you do it. There was ultimately nothing he could do to get you to stay, in fact, he wondered at times why you did. You held no bonds here, maybe Soona and Anaya as they were becoming your friends, but other than that? Noa shook his head and huff, chest heaving out hard and then collapsing back in. no reason, no reason at all…

Alas, sitting behind him with that all familiar glow of heated glances laying waste to his shoulders, you were only wondering what was going on inside of his head. You found the fist of judgment coming down harder on yourself than on anything Noa could, or potentially could, ever do to you. If you were to talk to him, what were you going to say? An apology made sense in most scenarios you ran your way through but… You also felt entitled to an apology yourself and you wondered for a split second if Noa was in the same throes of contemplation, essentially playing a game of Chicken to see who would falter first.

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There was no solace in dreams. You tried to push that small disappointment from your thoughts. You doubted you’d be able to have any semblance of a good dream given the absolute nightmare you just had. Alone in a room with three strange Apes… Chimpanzees, your mind corrected itself, prideful that it was able to remember such a detail. You drew a deep breath in, trying desperately to ignore the burning feeling of your throat. It was screaming for water. Your mouth felt dry too, parched to the point were you felt the beginning of cracks at the edge of your lips. The mild aching in your head returned, most likely now due to a mixture of your injuries and dehydration. All this aside, you didn't want to open your eyes in some hope that maybe you could beckon a dream your way. A good one. Something to distract from your previous nightmare.

Moving quickly, you were sitting straight up with a gasp falling from you body once you felt the pestering pounding on your temple. Grasping your head for a moment, you tried to get your bearings back. It was just a nightmare, you told yourself over and over again. Squinting, your eyes came into focus; slowly but surely you were able to make out mild details in the room. Feeling like you were about to lose whatever sense of pride you had left, you gazed at a form in the corner. It seemed human, at least in the low firelight, and it was moving. At least, shoulders were. You peered at them, tilting your head in hazy confusion. Your body felt like it was crunching with the movement, you knew that to be from dehydration for sure. You just had to think to yourself again; how long had you been passed out?

Shoulders were moving, right right… Shoulders… moving… Hands were doing something, you could tell, seeing a minor sheen coming from whatever they were holding and fixated on. You shook off the grimy feeling of your hair, actually your entire body, and felt your breath catch in your throat when you finally deduced the form to not be that of a human. Oh… Oh! You groaned audibly, grasping at your head again with both hands as it thrusted. It almost felt like your brain was rattling around your skull like it was in a cage it was trying to escape from.

Within a split second, you were face to face with… A Chimpanzee. You wanted nothing more than to move, get away from their stare as they were curious of the nature of your previous sound. It felt overwhelming to move, especially when your head was whirling. When your muscles felt tense, when your back felt sore… You thought about your ankle and the lack of pain radiating from that. Had… Had that Ape… You were having a difficult time remembering their name, had they done something to help your pain there? You remembered the rooty paste splatting on your skin, you remembered there being three of them before where there was only one now. Double vision hit you as you looked down. They were holding something for you. A crudely sculpted bowl of sorts. It was made of clay from the valley, you noticed the deep red color.

What was in it… You squinted again, seeing a ripple of sorts as they finally held it out between your two bodies. There was… Was no way… Your mouth parted and without hesitation, you grabbed it roughly and consumed what was in it. Briefly, their hand lingered in the air before falling back to watch you. Water dripped from your face, drawing themselves into the cracks that reside on the corners, down your chin to drip onto your lap. You wanted nothing more than to place your entire body into water, but the water from the bowl did well enough. Lifting a hand, you wiped the remaining traces from your face and placed the bowl down next to you. Your head was still beating, but as you came to incredible and appreciated lucidity, it slowly tapered to an ignorable throb from your temple.

Noa. That was the name of the Ape here, you recognized him from the details of his face from his pure proximity the first time you woke up. Soona and Anaya were the other two. Two males, one female. You were impressed with your ability to remember despite passing out shortly after processing the fact that you had been saved by them. You stopped moving at that, staring at him in front of you as he placed his body down to sit. They had… Saved you. They could have very well left you there to die, they very well could have taken it upon themselves to take your life, it would have been incredibly easy because you were already on the doorstep of death.

But, they made the choice not to and went through what you imagined to be a rather difficult transverse, to bring you back to their Clan and heal you. Well, to an extent. How much about injury did they know? Obviously, enough to get the spear head out of your leg. Enough to get the bleeding to stop with a paste, that you deduced must have had natural numbing abilities for the bottom half of your calf was of lesser feelings as opposed to its thigh or foot counterparts.

Swallowing, you finally felt good enough to talk. Felt good enough did not equate to actually talking as you still held a frantic force of hesitation; rightfully so you thought to yourself as you saw Noa move, this time being able to actually process how he moved, how he was quick to grab the bowl from you, how he traced back to the corner of the room, hand free but his other appendages were what was keeping him in his hunched position. You could hear him filling the bowl back up, returning just a second later. He handed it to you, flinching back at the mere ferocity you had grabbing it and consuming again. Water fell down your face again, this time getting caught on its way down along your neck. The water shone and reflected against the firelight. Noa noticed you didn't take any time to wipe the water off this time, his attention being drawn back to your eyes that had not left his body once.

“Many days asleep. Three nights… two days. Night now.” Noa looked over at a window that led to the outside. If you focused, you could hear a bit of a bustle. Hoo’s, hoots, hums… So many types of sounds and they were surrounding you. There were more Apes. Obviously, you mentally slapped your forehead. Obviously there were more!

You processed his words, trying to get past the gruff nature of his voice. He was obviously well versed to speak verbally, but from the awkward placement of his tone, it sounded like he wasn’t used to speaking for prolonged periods, or at the very least, used to talking in full sentences or enough to give you insight. At least, that’s what you assumed. He was telling you how long you were out. You figured that his analysis included the few minutes you woke up in a panic before subsequently falling to oblivion again. “W…” You started and felt your throat almost collapse in on itself out of fear of appearing vulnerable. But, out of your own mental sanity, you needed just one more answer from him, “What happened…?”

Noa hesitated. He could answer one of two ways. Honestly or less honestly. Honesty; it would be the truth. Soona, Anaya finding you half dead from being hunted, Noa then proceeding to tell them that the Eagle Clan did not kill, even mercy kill. Taking you back to the Clan, forcing his friends to transfix with him as he pulled the spearhead from your leg and urged them to help him keep an eye on you. Urged them to help him help you. Less honesty; it would be the same as the truth, maybe taking away the meager details of Noa forcing his friends to help. He contemplated and figured that in your Echo nature, you would always assume the worst and think that his force towards his friends meant that they didn't want to help you and you could potentially take that as a way towards assuming they were ultimately going to kill you once Noa wasn’t there.

So, he went with the less honest truth.

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‘I do not understand.’ Those four signed words left you reeling, almost chomping at the bit just to get the confirmation that he was actively not ignoring you and that your speculation was correct. He was deep in thought, waiting for the moment when it was all tied together neatly. When he could talk without another fumble, or at least, hope that another mistake, another mis-interpretation, was far off in the distance. He had fumbled with you once. He had fumbled with Anaya and tried to keep that out of his mind, pinning that he would find a way to solve it once he got his issues solved with you.

It had taken some time, the sun now dropped behind the curve of the Earth, the only light now being that of lingerance, beams sinking into the cold blue sky that had shifted to that color in the blink of an eye and replaced the previously enjoyed oranges and pinks with its first tease of glowing lights that speckled the heavens on a nightly basis. You felt cold, goosebumps rising themselves along your bare arms as the mild chill of the dead night began to set in despite it still being light evening. Baited in anticipation, you weren’t sure if your goosebumps were from the brisk air or from the excitement it gave you that Noa was finally talking, albeit, using sign language.

‘Do not understand,’ He repeated and rolled his shoulders once more. His moniker when nerves were running rampant and he had no other outlet available, often choosing to subside and tinker with things than talk them through, “Echo.” Oh, if you could jump with joy without reserve at the sound of a voice, you’d have done just that as you reveled in the sound of it encapsulating your eardrums. You wanted to pull it in closer, closer… Whisper just to me, your senses screamed at Noa, you’re just for me…

Drawing your bottom lip in at the statement he had made, a blend of delicious verbalization with signing, you understood the notion. He was now looking over his shoulder, right at you a few feet behind him. The dark that was setting in now made it difficult to see his expression against the backdrop of his dark fur and with that, he turned back forward and you were stuck looking at his back. Again.

You needed to muster yourself to say something. The bold accusation you had about Noa, thinking that it was all his fault, thinking that you were the one who deserved an apology was quickly thrown out to the wind and carried off. “I’m sorry…” You whispered again. “I-I don’t know why… I got so mad. Offended…”

“Echo is confused of Echo.” Noa observed.

You huffed out a sarcastic laugh but his observation wasn’t too off the mark. You have felt confused now for weeks. Confused since you first talked about romantic love. Confused at the feeling spurred deep inside of you listening to Noa talk about rabbit mating, confused by the entitlement that you felt, wanting him to only look at you when his attention was elsewhere contradicting the absolute befuddlement you got when he looked at you… You picked your body up from the ground, shaking a few small pebbles and sand off your backside as you trailed towards the Chimp, quite on your feet but you knew he was aware of your body and its placement. If he could be the first to talk, you could be the first to move. Compromise, right?

Noa acknowledged you, tilting his head briefly towards you as you bent down before his focus drifted back towards the water, this time, making small traces along the waterline with his gaze. You were confused when he looked in you. He was intense with his watching, bordering on absolute obsession. It felt like it left burn marks on your own irises when you made eye contact. He was grabbing your throat metaphorically, hot in his hand, small in his hand, and forcing you to drown with him and you never stopped it. You… You didn't want it to stop.

You wanted nothing more than to grab his chin and force him to look at you in this moment, but you feared the repercussions. Noa snapping himself out of your touch, Noa refusing eye contact, mimicking you when he asked you something you didn't know how to answer, refusing to… to… Your hands had balled into small fists as you crouched down next to him. Not sitting, you were teetering on balancing yourself on the balls of your feet.

“It is… my fault.” Noa was quick to draw the blame solely on himself. It was habitual behavior, you noticed he’d rather apologize himself and get it out of the way rather than point the finger at someone else. You wondered if that was a quality his Mother had as opposed to his Father, the late Leader of the Eagle Clan, who from Noa’s words, was courageous and did what he could to save his people.

“Push… Pushed too far with Echo, Anaya was right. Should have known better, Noa should have known, should have never---” He came to an abrupt stop, not willing to give either of you the satisfaction of his next words but they still teased at his tongue in a bid to just admit. It pulled him in for a second with the promise that it would feel better if he just told you how he felt, what was going on but on the other hand? Absolute chaos could ensue. You could reject him, you could choose to find another, either Echo or Ape. What would Noa do then? He felt uneasy in the pit of his stomach like he was in freefall.

He’d suffer, he’d never find another mate, he wouldn’t want to. You weren’t even his mate now and he’d vow to never find another unless he won the chance with you if you gave him the option. Hm… Noa didn't sit with that word now… If.

Pessimism went a long way, much further than optimism.

He was unraveling faster than he was able to cope with and it left you to back track and replay what he told you a few times. Details were spilling you had no idea about. When did he talk to Anaya about all of this? What did he tell him? What did Anaya tell Noa? Swallowing hard at the prospect that Anaya now despised you, you shook it off and looked down at your hands. Noa was careful, you were sure he selected his words with Anaya and you weren’t going to lose a friendship… or two.. You glanced at Noa. Whatever kind of friendship this was. Were you even friends? Or just a naive Ape and a scared Echo who had mutually understanding that it would be beneficial to tag the notion as friendship, just to supersede and stroke both their egos? You didn't want to think about that; about the idea that Noa was just using you for the human knowledge you had and it was nothing more than surface level. Maybe, he was pitching a fit because if you didn't talk to him, he didn't get information.

You felt a burning sensation at the back of your throat as you tried to stifle down any attempts at crying. Noa hadn’t ever seen you do that. He had seen you melancholy, sad at times but never actively crying. Did Apes cry? Did they know what it meant? What would Noa’s response be? The emotional release was seducing you, one tear at a time as they began falling from your eyes, rolling down your cheeks in utter silence before catching a ride down and collapsing against your hands below. Quickly, your hand shot up upon feeling wet and you were wiping your eyes and telling yourself to stop… Stop, stop, stop. Noa would just feel worse if he knew you were crying, if he saw you crying in front of him.

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Eyes stared longingly at the window as sunlight drew its beautiful face into the room. Finally, after what felt like eternity, you could see the room for what it was. A small wooden structure, walls slanted in to a point at the very top but with enough space left to vent, letting smoke of the fire escape without smothering the occupants. A very simple but a very sophisticated design. There was a pile of items in the corner, none of which were instantly recognizable other than the jar that held the paste that so deliciously kept the wound on your leg from bleeding and from general feelings of pain. It was incredible and you wanted to ask what it was but felt it stepped over whatever cordial boundary was set by Noa, by his Clan.

The last three days were incredibly… Boring. You hadn’t been permitted to leave the space you had become so accustomed to save for the occasional guarded times you were let outside to relieve yourself. You didn't get much for your bearings from doing that, the times you have, it was either too dark out and you found it difficult to really assess the village, or Noa purposefully kept his entire body in your line of vision. You had to bark at him the first time, explaining that it was private when he didn't turn away, your hands freezing as they made work to unbutton your pants. He didn't question and turned around quietly and paced forward a bit, perplexed at the severity of your demand.

Privacy, he noted, was a virtue it seemed, at least for Echo’s. Who was he to deny when he had no alternative motive? You hadn’t been allowed to bathe, only eating when Noa supplied you with sustenance, three times a day, on a schedule it seemed. You were lucky to have your backpack with you and were silently grateful to Noa and his friends for not discarding it. It held your clothes and a few small personal effects. If you couldn’t bathe, at least you could have a change of clothes. One dirty pair to another slightly less dirty pair.

He was never late for your meals, showing up at sunrise as the sun peaked itself onto your eyelids, spurring you out of your sleep, at mid-day when the sun tickled your shoulders and right about now, when the sun was flirting on the horizon and threatened to disappear. And he never stayed longer than he had to. He’d watch you eat, never taking in the pleasure of eating with you as it would give cause for Anaya or Soona to presume that Noa was bonding.

Your meals were usually a few pieces of roasted fish, some berries, and nuts in the morning and evenings, your mid-day meal being a bit more light on the fish with a flashy assortment of roots of varying colors. Some brown, some purple, some red. Potatoes, maybe? Whatever it was was good enough to eat. Simple again, and it kept you energized enough to heal your body.

Luckily, the banging from your head subsided yesterday and only hurt if you were too fast to quirk your neck in movement. The bruise on your shoulder blade was nothing more than a light pink, the burns around your wrist from rope was healing tenderly into a small line of pink. They might completely disappear if they chose not to scar you. Your leg was doing its best with what was given. You were just thankful that it didn't have any adverse signs of infection.

As if at your beck and call, Noa propped the door open with his free hand, sauntering rather gracefully as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Made from simple thickets of wood bound together by some twine, it looked lighter than it actually was, the weight behind evident in the small grunt that Noa made handling it with one hand. Feeling your stomach churn from excitement, you were quick to take the bowl once he offered it to you in his usual silence, not anticipating much back in return. You didn't converse outside of him asking how your calf felt, asking if you felt better. He was surprised to hear the utterance of a tiny ‘thank you’ under your breath and it left him feeling bewildered.

You went for the nuts first; always the easiest as they came to you already deshelled. Eagerly placing them in your mouth, you almost groaned out of satisfaction as your teeth came crunching down on them, the noise reverberating in your ears. Licking your lips, you peered over at Noa who was back to his usual spot. The corner, he must have had a good view to watch over you from there. Able to see if you’re gravitating towards the door, able to see if you’d even consider crawling out the window.

Huh, you hadn’t thought of that but now that it was in your mind, it wasn't terrible--- You stayed quietly still, watching with confusion as he placed a bowl in front of himself, hunching his rather broad body down and picking at the contents. Was he… You tilted your head and felt your fingers brush over some berries. One smooth, one a bit fuzzier. Blueberries and raspberries, you figured. There was no way he was eating with you, right?

Drawing your pointer finger to your lips, you licked it and made eye contact with Noa, who in his fit of confidence that shifted him to eat with you, watched the movement with a vague sense of perplexity, green eyes narrowing as your tongue sapped the juices of a berry off your fingertip before you dropped your hand back down, now slightly encased with saliva. Noa watched it glimmer as it caught the light of the sun rays before you picked at the berries, searching for another red one.

Echo’s were weird, he kept telling himself and tucked into a piece of fish. He’d be absolutely foolish to not notice your eyes on him. The way they seemed to glare as he took a bite, canines more evident than ever as he tore apart the skin of the fish to get to the tasty meat inside. He made it look so easy, you felt a pang of jealousy at how slow you were to dismantle the fish. You avoided it; picking now at the berries and nuts, not sure if your lack of hunger was from actual lack or the fact that Noa was sharing a meal with you.

“Do you…” You perked up at the sound of his words, mustering a tiny reverb off the walls of wood around you. “Not like?”

Ah… You slid yourself to sit cross legged and looked at your bowl. He must have noticed you taking less interest in the fish. Noa knew it wasn’t like you to skimp. In fact, he was pretty adamant about getting you to eat, knowing that it would somehow aid in your body’s ability to heal. The faster you heal, the faster you can be released, was always the feeling you got for him, no personal attachment to the situation outside of not wanting you to die. You didn't answer him right away, staring contently at the food he so graciously gave you day in and day out.

“I um…” Drawing your bottom lip in, you chewed at it roughly. Enough to leave indentations of your teeth against the sensitive skin, but you reminded yourself not to go too hard otherwise you were going to end up with a mouth full of blood from breaking the skin. Noa took note of that action. Nerves, he had figured out. You did that when nervous, put on the spot. “I-it’s good.”

How were you supposed to make small talk with an Ape? What were the common grounds you could find? Obviously food, Noa brought it up first. The weather? Oh! Your hobbies, of course. He must have wanted to know all about those, you murmured sarcastically in your head. You had no idea the social etiquettes of Apes and it was evident with how he held himself that Noa thought the same about Echo's.

“Can show you,” He manifested right next to you, causing your heart to jump into your throat. You tightened your shoulders and looked at him, mouth open in surprise as you simply didn't see him abandon his spot to come sit next to you. Were you really that deep in thought? "How to take fish apart."

You blinked once, looking down at his hands as he was now holding an entire fish in his grasp. You blinked twice, bringing your eyes back up to captivate his gaze with fleshed out fear but simmered curiosity sat behind that. He had to have seen it sitting so close to you, the proximity leaving very little threshold. It was apparent that personal space was not a concept to him, but you took mild interest in the way his breathing collapsed against your shoulder with each out-stretched exhale. Wordlessly, you nodded and he began a very intricate breakdown of how to work around the skin, work around the bones… You watched him, flickering between both his hands and his face, like a child being taught something new. You retained nothing from the lesson, more perturbed as before. He was so… remarkably human.

A part of you shifted with uneasy thought.

Maybe… He was more like you than you cared to admit.

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Luckily, you were able to stave off crying audibly but now you dealt with the consequences of your eyes burning from the tears still lingering behind them. You fell back from the balls of your feet harder than you anticipated, bringing your body in to sit next to Noa. You weren’t going to move for a long time, you decided, maybe even pulling yourself into a tightly sprung ball and just sleeping by the creek rather than making the trek back to your make-shifted nest for what you would assume to be a rather fitful night of sleep. Laughing to yourself, you thought you’d sleep better on the cold hard ground rather than in your securely knitted bed.

What you so desperately wanted was for the Ape next to you, your shoulders brushing once with loose connections, to take you into his arms and pull you into his nest for the night. You’d let him, you’d let him hover above you in devotion, crashing down on you like waves of the ocean, you’d let him sleep next to you in comfort to drift to a place full of dreams… Your knuckles were flushed with white as you had tightly curled your hands into fists, a violence shaking through you at the unsatisfaction that you were more than likely never going to experience those things with him. A reality that was set in motion the moment you met. The day he chose to save you instead of letting you die like you were supposed to.

“Noa does not understand Echo…” That was a clear moment of self-admittance and it stung a bit to think about. You shared the same sentiment but had the impression that Noa already knew that and was focusing on his own turmoil in hopes that maybe it would solve yours as well. You had given him so much but so little at the same time. So much about your humanness, but not enough about your own self; shutting him down completely the moments when conversations turned too personal. All personal items he knew about you came from picked apart conversations between the two of you, conversations he pretended to not be invested in when you talked to Soona, Anaya and even his own Mother. He was always listening, always holding himself out to get more, more…

He wanted it with such fever, such carnal intent that he’d consider begging for it but never did out of self-reservation and some sickening idea that he was too important to do that; his mind would yell at him. He was the leader, he was the Eagle Clan. He should only make others beg, he should only make his Eagles follow his commands, Noa wasn’t built to take them from others. But, if you asked him to? If you commanded Noa to beg? Oh, Noa would grovel on his knees just for a speckle of your attention, just for an insight to you, not just as a figment in his imagination anymore, but as a real possibility, an avenue for him to take.

Your fingers twitched in desperation to touch him. Just a sparing graze of your fingers along the bridge of his brow, a fluttering sensation of your hand against his bicep. There was that incentive to comfort but he was giving you nothing to work with. He was still rigid next to you, his breathing paced and steady. If he were putting effort into making it so, he was covering it up very well. Swallowing back a lump that had formed in your throat, you scooted closer to him and let your shoulder make brief contact with his own. Thick fur tickled at you, primal feelings resting in your spine to just lean fully against him, knowing he’d let the weight of your body collapse against him and he’d hold you in place. That’s what you thought would happen in your mind; nothing from Noa gave you intent to think otherwise. He’d probably let you fall if you did that, not understanding the pure intimacy of the gesture.

“I…am sorry. Should never have asked… about mating… ” That tore you out of a mild daydream. Noa’s voice came out softly as opposed to the usual awkward placement he found himself in trying to form words.

Acknowledging the apology for what it was, you sighed a small bit and nodded in acceptance. Noa saw it out of the corner of his eye. So… That was that. You both apologized, you both looked out at the creek in front of you, watching as the water lapped its way across the landscape. The sun was gone, the sky was turning from that lovely blue-ish purple to a deeper setting midnight navy. Soon, there was going to be no illuminance to see the features of his face next to you, to trace his furline on his brow, to sweep yourself in the intensity of his eyes… Sighing gently, you shuffled next to him once more, shoulder bumping rather than grazing.

“I never have.” You said to him with a flash of a smile more at yourself than at him. You were trying to keep yourself calm and grounded, trying to convince yourself that you were doing the right thing by opening up. By admitting something to him that no one else knew about. “Mated… You uh…” Drawing your bottom lip in, Noa sunk happily into that. Some sort of normalcy back in this whirlwind of two weeks that took almost all his willpower to overcome. “Asked me about… that the first time we really talked. I never answered you and I--- I should have…”

Quietly, Noa turned his attention to you, green reminiscent of leaves with dew on them burrowing holes into your own. Whatever it was that you were doing, groveling, bargaining… He didn't want it to stop as the sound of your voice drew him back to some realm of peace and when you turned his face to continue speaking, he could feel your breath against his cheeks, against his eyes and he shut them for a moment to relish in the sensation. “I had nothing to hide with my answer… You… Were just asking me a perfectly acceptable question.” You laughed, “I mean, I’d want to know if you were mated in case they came for you.” Pausing at how stupid that must have sounded, you gave him one bit more, taking the entire concept of the last few conversations into your own hands, “ I’ve never even been kissed. Wh-When I told you all about that.. I don’t even know how it feels.” You laughed a bit at that. The concept of embarrassment hitting you like waves. Now he knew. Now you knew he knew and that was okay. What Noa chose to do with the information was now the question in the air.

“Thank you…(Name).” He was soft beside you, the nature of your name coming out of him sounding more enticing the more it replayed in your mind, starting the moment it hit your ears. This was the first time he called you that, and not their rudimentary ‘Echo’. With widened eyes, you looked at the side of his face, trying hard to find what he was thinking, how it must have felt to say your name… Was it good? Did… did he like the sound of it? Your mouth fell into a state of awe, almost slack jawed. You wanted him to say it again. Your hands grasping at his fur in your head. And again. His hot fur against your body. And again. Him making you his.

You nodded at his gratitude, unable to verbally say anything in fear that you were going to absolutely come crumbling down. Slowly, as the way he said your name beat its way around your skull, you began convincing yourself to get up and go back to the village for the night. All these thoughts despite the gravity pulling you to Noa. It wasn’t meant to be this evening, Noa must have figured the same and stood beside you. He was fast with his actions, holding a hand out before you even garnered enough energy to get your legs moving. You looked at it right in front of your face, admiring the longevity of his fingers for a split second too long.

With a surge of unfamiliarity resting in your stomach, you granted permission and a few seconds later you were holding onto his grasp and he was hoisting you up with ease like you weighed nothing more than a little leaf. Staggering once your feet planted on the ground, you were oblivious to your hand adjusting itself away from Noa to grasp at his forearm to garner you some balance. You were closer than you had been in quite some time, nearly chest to chest as he could have very easily poured himself right over you. But, as soon as brisk contact was made, it was lost and you felt your hands momentarily reaching to bring it back as he had been the one to move, now a few paces ahead of you, leading the way back. You followed obediently, not even beckoned.

‘Talk tomorrow?’ Noa signed at you once in visible light from the many spires of fire around the village. You traced his hands with your eyes and nodded wordlessly, feeling a sense of vibration hit your senses. You were either really tired or really wired. You had a feeling it was the latter, only accelerated by the way that Noa was staring at you. Deep in thought it looked like his green and golden orbs were hiding behind the dilation of his pupils. Your confirmation made him swell a bit, his chest broadening at the idea of seeing you in just a few hours time. There was a silence that fell around the two of you. There was no one else around, well… Noa tilted his head and peered into your nest for a split second before quizzically looking around. There was no one at the creek, but now the idea hit him. You could invite him in, you could ask him to stay, you could…. How he’d love to fall inside with you. He opened his mouth to speak, “I---.”

“Do you want to come inside?” You asked gently to him, your voice wrapping him in chaos. You… Wanted him to come in? Maybe, you were just being polite. He knew that from time to time you did things that made you uncomfortable for the comfort of others, Noa recognized it well because he was the same way. Or was it… having read the look on his face and recognizing he must have processed your words from earlier, he now had questions he wanted answers and wouldn’t sleep well unless getting instant gratification?

He hoped he wasn’t that easy for you to read otherwise the conversation pieces in the future he wanted to delve into were going to give away a lot of his inner thoughts. Admittedly though, you were on the same boat and wanted to give him his answers which spurred you to invite him to join you. In your personal space. Alone. With… Just… Noa… The back of your head zinged. Your ears felt prickly, your feet felt heavy, your breathing picked up but oddly enough, your lungs felt like they were full of water.

You couldn’t stop now though- Your eyes watched as he shifted himself onto all fours and he settled himself inside of the small hut you had made your home. Wordless, but just as graceful with his body as he always had been.

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・●・○・ Tag list: ( tumblr i am begging you please tag these correctly or i will cry ) @ohwaitimthewriter @hera-annwn @saturnnie-03 @filliandkili

@hadesbabygurl @supergoat12 @moonchild1433

@kaenalsha @unsteady-bitch @whamsworld

@yummyfanta @nuhteyam @babylockley @edynmeyer1 @callsignwidow

#noa #noa x reader #noa x human reader #kingdom of the planet of the apes #planet of the apes #planet of the apes x reader #owen teague #pota #kotpota #emmy writes #fanfiction #fanfic #noa pota

[rreids]

LIAR • S. REID X READER

gn reader; fluff despite the title; unestablished relationship; kissing; a little banter; like ~1k

Rossi’s house was beautiful. Even having been over dozens of times, you find yourself drawn to explore and wander on the property to admire the architecture. 

It’s also a good excuse for when you’re found out for having left the gathering, well over thirty minutes ago. You step out to be alone and catch a breath, and when Morgan or JJ finds you? Just one quick ‘oh, I just got distracted by this part of the stairs and its railings! I had been reading about the origins of this style and why it grew in popularity, do you want to hear? was enough to get a polite smile and your peace and quiet back.

Unfortunately, this tactic didn’t work on Spencer. 

“What are you doing out in the garden?”

“Just looking at the roses!” You smile up at him sweetly, bat your lashes. “I heard there are new roses being bred to have more natural resistance to insects. You think I should talk to Rossi about it? He complains that his bushes get eaten.”

Spencer hums. “Where’d you hear that?”

“Just… um, just in an article. I forget where I read it.”

He levels you in his gaze. “You know, you’re an awful liar.”

“That’s not true,” you mumble, turning your chin down and to the side. “I’m great at lying.”

Spencer chuckles. “Really? And you’re proud of it?”

“Mhm. They call me the best liar in the West.”

“You live in Virginia.”

“And, somehow, I’m still the best in the West. So I’m really, really good.”

You can hear the smile in his voice. “Can I meet the people saying this? I doubt they’ve met many liars, if you’re their golden standard. Because, as a profiler, I think you’re an absolutely awful liar, __.” You pout and turn to meet his gaze again. “You’re an open book. Everything’s laid out on your face.”

You try to school your expression quickly but fail, smiling and laughing softly. “Nuh-uh.”

“Yeah,” his voice is softer now. You can’t put your finger on what’s so different, but it has you relaxing without meaning to. “You wear your heart on your sleeve.”

He takes a step closer — just one — but your breath hitches slightly. He’s close enough you can feel the warmth radiating off him, a nice contrast to the night air, and smell a mix of wine and his cologne. 

“Maybe it’s just to me.” He sounds like he’s come to a revelation, in a way, features relaxing into the beginnings of a small smile.

“What?” you manage to ask, voice remarkably level for the way your heart is beginning to race as you study the shape of his jaw, the curve of his lips, the softness to his features among all the sharp angles and signs of age. As you look into his eyes, eyes that are clearly studying you, you see them somehow glow with a warmth and fondness that makes you ache.

“I think you’re only this open with me,” Spencer answers, voice softening impossibly more as his fingers wrap around your wrist. He can feel your pulse thrumming with your nerves and your hyperfocus on the way his thumb rubs your skin soothingly. “Why is that?”

“I’m open with everyone I care about.”

“Sure,” he agrees. “But I don’t think you’re like this with everyone.”

“Like what?”

“Vulnerable.” You don’t speak. You can barely even breathe. He’s so close to you. “I think,” his eyes drop briefly to your lips. “That you want me to understand your feelings. That’s why you wear your heart on your sleeve, don’t filter the truth of your opinions or thoughts from me.” Spencer’s head tilts down and to the right slightly. “You want me to see you.”

You nod. “Yeah.” It’s breathless, airy and a barely there whisper. “I do.”

Spencer kisses you.

Your fingers grab the sides of his jacket and pull him towards you with a weak tug. It’s everything you could have wanted, that you could dream of — that you have dreamt of, waking up hopelessly alone and frustrated when you realize none of the tenderness in his touch was real. It is like he sees you. Understands you. 

His rhythm matches yours perfectly and smoothly, no awkward clashing of teeth or weird bumps of noses and foreheads. Just soft kisses that build and build, give and take in equal parts until both of you are breathless. He pulls back first, and your eyes flutter open to see red spots high on his cheekbones and a sparkle to his eyes.

“__,” Spencer whispers and you nod, hands still fisted in the fabric of his clothing. “Can I ask you a question?”

You tug him a little closer, smile as you say “you already did” before nodding.

“Am I right in thinking you would like this to happen more than once?”

You let out a sound that’s a mix of a scoff and a laugh. “No.” You can’t even believe your own lie, and he just grins. “Of course I do, Spencer. But you’ve got to at least take me out to dinner,”

He kisses your smile away and pulls back when he’s unable to tamper his own enough to kiss you properly. “Would you like to go to dinner?”

“You’re not full of carbonara?”

Spencer shakes his head. “I still have some room. I can manage some shitty fast food and fries over a milkshake. You know anyone who’d be interested?”

You smile. “Depends on the milkshake.”

“Chocolate, of course,” Spencer brushes hair off your temple.

You hum. “With whipped cream and you have a deal.”

Spencer smiles. “As long as the cherry on top is another kiss.”

It was. Along with another. And another. And a lipstick mark on his cheek that he told you he would get tattooed. Your horrified expression had made him laugh, and he told you he was a far better liar than you.

unfortunate but true: local girl has forgotten how to write and lost any semblance of a style she had going. i hate how this came out much like everything else i have written recently. big feeling of: i will never have a compelling way of writing that hooks the audience and feels natural everything is stilted and bad and not descriptive in the way i want.

#my works #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fic #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid fluff

[sosa2imagines]

Broken Hearts. Part 2

Warnings- Lurking, bruises, Lloyd being a tease, possessiveness, stubbornness.

Lloyd's voice crackled through the phone, assuring you that he was on his way, his determination unwavering. True to his word, Lloyd arrived at your home with a team of his skilled companions.

He did not wait for you to open the door, as if you can, he just barged in, shouting your name before finally standing outside your bedroom, knocking.

“Sugar open up.” “LLOYD!! I can't Steve has locked me in…” you cried. “Step back Sugar.”

In a swift kick, Lloyd broke the door, to see your shaking figure.

Lloyd's eyes darkened with rage as he noticed the bruises on your arms, a silent testament to Steve's possessiveness. In a swift motion, he pulled you into a protective embrace, his arms wrapping around you in a tight hold. His voice, filled with a mixture of anger and concern, growled out a vow, “I'll kill that bastard.”

Lloyd's words carried a weight of protection and unwavering loyalty, as he held you tightly against him. There, in the safety of his embrace, you felt a small semblance of peace amidst the turmoil that had engulfed your world. Lloyd's anger towards Steve, fuelled his determination to keep you safe, ensuring that no harm would come your way under his watch.

Lloyd's eyes filled with concern as he gently touched the bruised spots on your arms, his touch gentle and tender. “Tell me, did he hurt you?” he asked, his voice laced with both anger and worry. With tears streaming down your face, you shook your head no.

Lloyd's voice softened, filled with a mix of protectiveness and acceptance, as he gently pulled you into another tight embrace. “I have got you.” he whispered, silently acknowledging the depth of his own feelings for you.

With you nestled safely in the cocoon of his arms, Lloyd issued commands to his men, his voice firm and authoritative. “Pack her things.” he instructed, a fierce protectiveness evident in each word.

“No!” you declared, surprising both Lloyd and yourself with your newfound strength. “I don't want anything from him. Just pack my clothes and jewellery given by my parents and aunt.”

“You heard my sugar hurry up.”

As the men set about their task, Lloyd held you a little tighter, his presence providing a sense of security in your chaotic world. And as you felt the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against your own, a subtle realization dawned upon you, you felt safe, truly, deeply safe, in Lloyd's arms.

Leaving the scene of your broken relationship behind, Lloyd walked with you towards his car, a firm yet comforting presence by your side. As you reached the vehicle, he turned to one of his men and issued a command. “Fix the doors.” a mischievous glint in his eye.

Confused, you looked up at him, your question hanging in the air, “Why?” But before you could voice your curiosity, Lloyd responded with a playful wink, his voice laced with a hint of impishness. “Just for fun.” he grinned, adding a touch of lightness to the heavy events of the evening.

As curiosity tugged at your consciousness, you wisely knew better than to dig deeper. Over the years, you had come to understand that Lloyd had his own methods of dealing with people and situations. As your lifelong best friend, he had shared his secrets with you, allowing you to witness just a glimpse of his darker side. Deep within your heart, you knew that questioning him would lead nowhere. Trust in him came naturally, a by-product of the unwavering bond you shared since childhood, alongside Nick and Andy.

The car ride remained enveloped in a comfortable silence, broken only by the soft hum of the engine, as you succumbed to exhaustion. Your head rested gently on Lloyd's shoulder, the weight of all that had unfolded finally taking its toll. As you drifted off, Lloyd carefully lifted you, cradling you against his chest, a tender smile playing on his lips. In that moment, he gently pressed a kiss to your head, his gaze filled with affection and a silent promise of protection.

Even though you had told him to take to your aunt's house, Lloyd brought you to his 'Fortress of Solitude', carefully placing you on the bed and covering you with the fluffy blanket. He looked at you sleeping form, trying to control the burning rage against Steve.

Throughout your time together, it had become abundantly clear that Lloyd possessed a certain degree of mercilessness and danger. His reputation as a formidable force was well known, intimidating even the most hardened individuals.

However, beneath that steely exterior, Lloyd harbored a strong sense of loyalty and kindness towards his true friends. And you, being among the closest to him since childhood, had the privilege of witnessing first-hand the softer side of this enigmatic man. A side reserved solely for those he cherished dearly, especially you.

“Still in denial?” 

As Lloyd turned around with a hint of surprise, his gaze met Andy Barber's amused expression. “About what?”

Andy leaned against the wall, a bemused expression playing on his face as he teased Lloyd, stating the obvious. “You love her, always had.”

His words cut through the air like a gentle yet firm reminder, echoing the truth that had been lingering in the shadows all along. Lloyd's gaze flickered with a mix of surprise and resignation, his usual defense faltering.

Lloyd, quickly regaining his bravado, retorted with a mischievous grin, “Yeah, I would love to have her. My dick is amazing.” As the words left his mouth, Andy rolled his eyes and responded with a mix of frustration and sarcasm. “Not that, you idiot!”

The air was filled with a mix of disbelief and amusement, as Andy's lighthearted response playfully brushed off Lloyd's cocky remark.

“Jealous, are we?” “Forget it!” “Good don't start then” “I won't, but someday you will.”

Before Lloyd could answer back, your voice distracted him, “Andy?” Andy stepped towards you, to wrap you in a hug ”How are you Y/n?” “Okay I guess?”

The next day, Steve's voice echoed through the house as he made his return, announcing his presence with a possessive tone, “Baby doll, I'm back. You better behave.” However, as he surveyed the bedroom and noticed your absence, his heart sank, and anger bubbled within him. Panic and possessiveness mingled within Steve's troubled mind, leaving him frustrated and agitated at the realization of your departure. “Y/N!!!!!!”

As Andy began gathering information needed for the divorce papers, he turned to you with a serious expression. “Do you want anything from Steve in the divorce settlement?” he inquired, his tone professional yet compassionate. With a firm conviction, you responded, “I don't want anything. I just want my freedom.” Your words hung in the air, carrying the weight of your desire to truly move on and leave the past behind, seeking nothing more than the liberation to start anew.

“Sugar, are you sure you don't anything from him?” Lloyd asked you in a soft tone. “I don't want anything from him, only my freedom. I don't want to be bound to him in any way. He was pretty adamant that I won’t leave his loyal ass.” “Don't worry Y/n. I will take care of it.” Andy assured you with a soft smile.

Weeks later, as Andy arrived at Steve's penthouse, divorce papers in hand, he presented them to the frustrated man, stating that you had made the process straightforward. “Y/n has made it simple,” Andy declared, “She doesn't want anything from you. Just sign the papers.”

Steve's refusal was immediate and vehement, his voice laced with defiance. “I will not divorce her!” He declared, determination gleaming in his eyes, unwilling to let go of the crumbling relationship.

Andy stood firm, his gaze unwavering as he faced Steve's stubborn refusal. “Steve,” he began, his voice filled with a mix of conviction and authority. “Why are you prolonging this? Y/n wants nothing from you, she wants a clean break. Sign the papers and let her go.” Steve's eyes blazed with a mixture of anger and possessiveness, his words dripping with frustration. “I don't care. I won't sign!” he declared, his grip on the situation slipping further with each passing moment.

Andy's eyes narrowed as he confronted Steve's denial, frustration evident in his voice. “Then you shouldn't have cheated on her!” he stated, the words hitting Steve like a cold reality check. Steve's response, however, was a stubborn protest, his voice filled with defiance. “It's none of your business.” he retorted, his refusal to confront his own actions becoming increasingly evident.

“Steve, don't make this any harder, just sign the damn papers. Trust me you don't want to face me in court.” with that Andy left.

Lloyd was reading some kind of documents in his office, when you knocked on his door with a smile. “Hey are you busy?” Lloyd looks up from his papers at you with a smirk, “For you? never!” “Lloyd thank you for helping me…” “Come here sweetheart.” you go near him, only for Lloyd to pull you, to make you sit on his lap.

“Hey!” you laugh and blush slightly. “Sugar no one can resist my lap, and you have the special privilege to sit on it.”

You roll your eyes playfully and kissed his cheek. “Lloyd I should move to my aunt's house… after all she left it for me.” hearing your words of moving out, made Lloyd tensed and you felt it.

It’s not like you don't want to stay with him, but you don't want to be a burden either. “Lloyd as much as I love staying with you… I don't want to be a burden. You can work more comfortably without my sad ass around, you can bring people to enjoy your time…” Lloyd just gave you a stern look and a glare, before opening his mouth in a stoic voice, “Are you done?” “Huh?”

“You see, I can work wherever I want, and I can bring people whenever I want, and both of that won't trouble you. And as for your sad ass, it is perfectly round and waiting for me to spank and knead it.

You become red instantly and hit his chest playfully, “Lloyd!”

You realize he was not joking when you felt his hand kneading your ass cheek. “Lloyd stop groping my ass…” you laugh nervously and Lloyd just gave you a cheeky smile “They are soft and squishy.” “Lloyd!” “Fine.” 

“Sugar there’s one more reason, I'm not letting you go. It is for your own safety.” “What do you mean?” “After Barber gave Steve the papers, he was furious, he went to your aunt's place to see you.”

Lloyd showed you the footage of Steve lurking around the house and tears formed in your eyes.

“He will never let me go… he said I belong only to him.” “No sugar he will let you go, I will make sure of it and you don't belong to him. We have eyes on him, don't you worry.”

“Lloyd?” “Yes?” “Stop groping my ass...”

“You heard her pervert”

With a sudden leap of joy, you jumped from Lloyd's side and lunged towards the man, wrapping your arms around him in a warm hug. “Nick!” you exclaimed, your voice filled with happiness and the comfort of familiarity. Nick, always the light-hearted one, returned your embrace, his signature smile widening as he responded, “Hey there, sweetheart.”

The moment was filled with a sense of affection and the unshakable bond you shared with your dear friends. In fact, you had introduced Nick to Lloyd and they had instantly hit it off.

“I know everyone must have asked you, but still, how are you?” “Now that I'm here with you all, I'm good.”

“Can you guys stop the hugging and stuff? really turns me off” Lloyd scoffs. “Jealous are we? Nick smirks.

“He is looking for an excuse, to grope my ass!” you and Nick both laugh hard and Lloyd looks at you both with amusement. 

“Y/n… Lloyd is right by the way. Steve is trying hard to locate you, so it is better you stay here with us.”

“He's never going to leave alone...” Nick brought you in for another hug, “He will, we'll make sure of it.”

“I'm so sorry guys for not staying in touch with you all for so long. This is not how I imagined our reunion will be...”

Because of Steve you lost out on many friends, but Lloyd, Andy and Nick never left you. They knew how much Steve hated them.

“Y/n we know you did not do anything on purpose, Steve hates us. He hates the fact, you have handsome people as friends and hey no more thinking okay?” Nick smirks and Lloyd chimes in “Now you are talking my language. Anyway only I can rock a moustache.” he states proudly.

Part 1 -

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#chris evans characters #sebastian stan characters #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x reader angst #dark steve rogers #dark steve rogers x reader #lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen x reader #lloyd hansen fluff #lloyd hansen x reader fluff #nick fowler x reader #nick fowler #andy barber x reader #andy barber

[bearhugsandshrugs]

Hey, what is this change in Raphael fanon you’re referring to? I think I noticed the same thing, but I wanted to make sure. Please don’t feel pressured to answer if you’re not comfortable with the question 🫶

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really liked your take on him and feel like nobody writes him like that anymore (the other writers who did also stopped).

Hey! Let me preface this by saying that this is in no way to dunk on the fandom. I think it's pretty natural that as time progresses, certain fanon takes "stick" / gain more traction / become more popular. It's also not to say that my perspective of the character is "good" and another is "bad", it's more that the current dominant fanon perception of Raphael (and Haarlep) doesn't resonate with me.

Over the past months, most part of the Raph!fandom that is visible to me seems to have arrived at the conclusion that Raphael is smitten with the player character, rather than him being a manipulative fiend that uses charm to get what he wants. That leads to characterizations of him where he "loves" a Tav/Durge/OC, where his actions get attributed as driven by that player character (as opposed to them being an important tool to him).

As someone who's written a somewhat softer Raph in my own fic (and I only barely made that work for myself by making him human, and the ending – SPOILERS – very much is intended to contradict any perception of him being selfless/in love/able to love how humans love) I don't think it's true of his character.

Him being able to love is an interpretation that I don't personally agree with. Of course people can HC that! More power to you!!! Have fun with it. It's just a take I don't enjoy because to me, it takes away a lot of the complexity and a core part of his canon personality.

Related to that there's, again, from my pov, an infantilization that comes along with that.

Raphael as incapable. Raphael as a helpless plaything for Haarlep. Raphael as a dork. Raphael as comic relief. Raphael showing up because he "loves" the character instead of manipulating them. And so on. Same as before: It's, to me personally, a reduction of his character, and quite frankly, boring. He is more powerful than this fanon version portrays him. He is more frightening, and ruthless, and evil, as fanon seemingly wants him to be.

For Haarlep it's even more so that he gets reduced to that funny side character. The darker sides of that character often gets left out. Again, the dominant fanon perception of that incubus feels very one-dimensional and underserving of the complexity and outright shrewd brutality Haarlep displays (and probably needed to survive for this long under Raphael's roof).

They're both evil characters. But they can't be in the current discourse. They're getting washed into a softy, funny, cutiepie version. And that's not what I think the characters are.

To some degree this also happens to Gortash btw. But I digress.

Again. Not saying this read on the characters is bad, it's just one I personally don't agree with, and that I don't find interesting.

Now to the part about people enjoying my take on him in my writing. First, thank you so much for saying that! I really appreciate it. And I mean, I do see that Keeping Score and Folie á Deux are still two of my most-read fics to date, with tens of thousands of hits altogether. But the thing is. People don't comment on finished/older fics, not to mention reblog them lmao. I'm pretty sure that Folie has gotten 50-65% of its hits after even the expansion (chapter 6) was written. Did it get any comments since then? Ha.

Keeping Score also got a significant number of reads after completion. But I can count the number of people (!) on one hand who commented since I finished it end of 2023. So. Unless you tell writers you enjoy their work, we won't know. Because I cannot tell who clicks on the fic and leaves again, or who devours it all in one sitting.

Sorry for the tangent. It's just a pity to hear now, all those months later, that there are people out there who liked my depiction of Raph when I was pretty convinced that no one actually cared. Anyway!

I hope this doesn't start any drama, because legit, I don't have beef with anyone. I am happy that character is giving so many people joy. I have my Gorty delusions to keep me entertained. But you asked, so here's a long answer, hoping I gave enough context to make it understandable.

Happy headcanoning and shipping, everyone <3

#bg3 raphael #my writing #anon asks #haarlep

[drdemonprince]

do you have any tips on distinguishing between wanting to bang/wanting to be wanted by/wanting non-sexual intimacy with someone? or is it just a case of seeing how you feel when you're actually with them and getting good at communicating about it

im probably not the best person to ask, because it took me uhh decades of fucking random people before i let myself acknowledge that sex is nearly always extremely boring to me and the only thing i'm thinking about during sex or in the lead up to sex is what i imagine the other person might be feeling about me.

every now and then a raw animal chemical attraction happens where i just feel like i NEED the person in me, i love how they smell and taste and i will risk it all to get them to bust inside me and i want them around me afterward.

but the rest of the time its this completely intellectual fantasy. instead of getting all wrapped up in the sex, or the person, all i care about is what i can convince myself it means. thoughts like this:

"oh this person is hot, it's very validating of my desirability that someone this hot wants me"

"oh that guy came very fast, how flattering that he was so turned on"

"i cant see his face in this position but i imagine that he's staring at me hungrily, that's flattering"

"wow i got someone from grindr to come over within ten minutes, im so good at sealing the deal"

"wow i cant believe i fucked eight people at this convention, how cool so many people want me"

"i've never tried this sex act before, i guess i might as well. maybe itll be useful for my writing. maybe ill like it."

thats the kind of shit that is normally playing around in my mind. when im actually attracted to someone i dont have to come up with some weird intellectual justification for why fucking is interesting or rewarding or reflective of me in a positive way. i just NEED it.

the self help guru mark manson (who is a little corny, but not bad) has this age old advice that "either something is a FUCK YES! or it's a no." and i think for some people, especially people who tend to try and persuade/guilt themselves into wanting things they dont actually want, that is a worthwhile reorientation. if i actually want someone its pretty damn unambiguous. if i have to even ask myself or sort out the true nature of my feelings, im bullshitting myself.

granted this advice wont be best for demisexuals, or for lots of other people. sometimes experimenting and trying new things sexually is great! its just. ive been doing that for a long time. i have been a very open minded, open to experience individual. and now im interested in being picky for a while

[itsalwaysteatimeinwonderland]

Unforgiving: Choso Kamo x y/n

Requested: No

TW: None

Word count: 795

Part 3 | Part 5 TBD

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another cold afternoon. The leaves continue their trajectory from tree to the floor. The ebb and flow of nature is evident in the harsh breeze of the day. The sun did little to warm you. 

You breathed into your hands to warm them. Even your weapon was cold. You stood waiting for Choso. You felt so silly waiting for an enemy to come and teach you how to fight. If you were honest, you'd admit that you were there for his touch. His attention. You felt guilty yet giddy. 

You hear the rustling of leaves. You turn excited to see him. He wears a soft smile on his face as he registers the fact that you waited for him again. You hold the urge to run into his arms. You walk up to him, slowly, deliberately. 

"You're late." You say. 

"I wasn’t aware that there was a time limit." He tilts his head to the side, a wide smile playing across his face. 

You huff and look away. How can he have such power over you? And why are you letting him have this power? 

"What am I learning today?" You mumble.

He stood there, pensive. He notices you trembling because of the cold. He feels guilty making you wait for him in such weather. He grabs your hand and guides you to a nearby stump. He sits down and pats his lap as a gesture for you to sit.  

You withhold a gasp. Sitting on his lap? That felt too intimate. Too welcoming. You debate on whether to cave into his invitation or not. You remembered him being warm and comforting. You craved his touch. 

As if your body had a mind of its own you mindlessly walked to him. You stood between his legs and sat on his lap. Instantly Choso wraps his arms around you. You feel his warmth, his body, his heartbeat. 

Your back is to his chest. His hands are wrapped around your mid-section. You felt captive but not trapped. You reminded yourself to breathe. 

"Let's not train today." He whispered against your ear. "Let me hold you, just like this."

You take a deep breath, the deepest you've taken all day. You could feel his breath, the movement of his lips against the shell of your ear. Your brain short circuited. You wanted to hear his voice again. 

"Why?" You ask. 

"I can't explain it, but holding you makes me feel whole."

You blush. "How so?"

"I live for my brothers, I love them. This feels different. As if…" he hesitates, "we live for each other."

You close your eyes at his words. Was he right about that? Were you caught in him? Were you wanting to live for him? 

You jolt out of his grasp, scared and anxious. You just met him. You've only spent time 2 other times. This was too much for you. You needed an out. 

"I can't do this. You're the enemy." You say as a matter of fact. 

"I am no longer involved with Kenjaku. I am here for Yuji. I wish to make things right." He stood up, embarrassed that he shared so much. 

"You keep saying that and yet you haven't gone to see Yuji." 

"You were my priority."

There he went again, making your knees weak. "Why?" You say looking for an out. 

"When I’m around you, I feel different." He steps closer to you. "I want you. And I've never wanted anything in my life."

You hold the urge to jump on him and kiss him. You weren't completely clear what was happening but you did know that you were connected to this man in some way. 

"What now?" You asked.

Choso shakes his head. "Say it. I want to hear you."

You act confused. You're afraid of repeating back his words. No matter how true they are, you couldn’t say it. 

Choso is patient with you. He trails his hand down your face. Softly. As if committing to memory the feel of your skin. You look intently into his eyes, defiant hoping he would waver. His eyes soften. 

"I can't say it. I don't know how I’m feeling. This is too much." You concede. 

"I understand. Take your time. I'll be around." 

He takes your small figure into an embrace. You let him hold you. It feels like home. Eventually you separate. He holds the urge, once again, to kiss you senseless. He trails his hand down your face and into your collarbone before turning around and walking into the woods. No final words. No goodbye. 

You stand there heartbroken and lonely. What have you done? Will you see him again.  The cold fall air is unforgiving. Even the leaves shake in the cold as the sun sets. 

#jjk #jjk x reader #jjk choso #choso kamo #choso kamo x reader #choso kamo x y/n #choso kamo x you #choso smut #jujutsu kaisen choso #kamo choso #choso x reader #choso x you #choso x y/n

[luxuourr]

WHEN YOU know LOA AND FEEL FAT/SKINNY/INSECURE.

currently made this post for me and everyone who has these issues

I've got alot of trauma , growing up as the chubby cute baby became taunts and mockery, i never looked fat and ugly and anything like this , I was always admired everywhere for my body except at my house and over the years it's become my trauma, my mom being a psychologist and still not realizing her solutions from the internet, telling me my leptin hormone is shit,my metabolism is so slow or I have PCOS as an intersex it never made sense, she never did make any sense and I know some people in this community have been struggling and are struggling with weight loss since for years. I have come across this manifesting coach, most of y'all know called electrasoul and for context they struggled with body image issues and weight loss too until it clicked in their mind. Those are some of the most important points I made you'll love. You will fall in love with this guys.

SHE DID NOT CHANGE HER DIET, YOU DONT HAVE TO EITHER.

"WTF that's not true, impossible, nah you need to count your calories and workout to loose weight , ain't no way my lifestyle doesn't have to change and brain needs to be controlled", so it really works like that. First of all this drill of changing diets and workouts that has been draining us people who wanna loose weight has been going on since we have been mature, the biggest enemy of our weight has been our own parents, if you're skinny, you're too skinny. if you're healthy, you're too healthy but you now need to find yourself a balance but it'll only come if you're a LOA person and finally have the will to loose weight, throw logic and society's diets and workouts out rn , if you're too tired for that , you don't need it. The brain is the strongest part of your body because it's capable of doing things you'd never imagine.

KNOWING AND STATE

first you need to know what you want, so you wanna gain or loose weight , or you want a healthy weight? ok did you choose what you want now let's proceed.

all your life they told you to eat less otherwise you'd be overweight and eat more to gain weight but sometimes underweight people genuinely eat enough or don't like eating and don't gain weight and sometimes people who are overweight barely eat at all, it's just their mind " oh I drink water and gain weight " ofc bro you really drilled it in your mind to be this way. The essential step is that don't look for logic. Law of assumption was made to remind you nevillie didn't need knowledge to marry the woman of his dreams and you don't need logic or calories In the world of law of assumption where you made rules. ARE CALORIES EVEN REAL, IS DIETING SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARE GOD?? YOU'RE CREATING THIS ALL THEN WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO OTHER HUMANS AND THEIR BS WHEN ITS YOUR LIFE.

dieting and workouts is for the weak, the true mind power lies in you, it is now your choice to turn your weaknesses into strengths, It is now your choice to eat food knowing you're gonna loose and reach your body goals with it. So apparently the best way and a good example of this , that you will understand what I mean is, you can still eat food staying naturally in the state or affirming.

calories are nothing to me in my life

eating makes me loose / gain weight

no matter what I do, I have my dream body

my metabolism is slow/fast ( if you wanna loose or gain weight )

No matter what I eat, whatever i do, however I eat, binge or die and cry or spiral, I have to gain / loose weight

this is literally my world so I have decided and have my ideal body and weight.

These are the examples of simple affirmations you can use to persist, even while eating.

DONT COUNT YOUR CALORIES

if you truly believe in LOA stop counting calories , calories is a man made thing , bro who tf even found out about something that you can't see, do fruits grow and are labelled low or high cals? did they experiment people for fat or thin, to find out that?? nahh bffr ☹️ giving the control of your life to some dumbass calories scientists made. We don't believe in that. Girl you're just having a maintained body for the rest of your life no matter what ✊🏻

IT IS YOUR CHOICE

whether you can start affirming and assuming and knowing that you're at your ideal weight , food makes you loose or gain weight or tire yourself with diets and workout if you're already tired from every aspect of your life.

for someone struggling with PTSD AND DEPRESSION

This is an honest advice, goodluck loosing/gaining weight/ getting your ideal body.

you don't have to stop all those sugary stuff and things want, just assume you can do this. ✊🏻🌹

#law of assumption #affirmations #law of manifestation #manifestation #revision #subliminal #void #void state #void success #subliminals

[doughylove]

dainsleif doesn’t quite like the term “blessing from heaven”.

a mere thought of celestia sends him into a complete mental frenzy, and he finds it to be a roundabout way of describing its spurious nature. people often use it because it was meant to bring good luck and fortune to the mortal world. but little did they know that, celestia, never cared about them from the beginning.

he knew this. he experienced it first hand by the destruction of his own nation at the hands of these gods. and if he had to describe celestia in one word, it wouldn’t be bountiful, but preferential by nature.

this was a common thing to believe, though―if mortals didn’t trust their archons, what would make them have faith in the heavenly principles where one couldn’t discern clearly in their eyes? it was like a circumlocution, that regardless if that person is a believer or not, and if they say this child is a blessing from the gods, was it meant to bring them charitable karma, prosperity, and all that was good?

dainsleif couldn’t deny that you were all these things, especially to him―he smiles at the mere thought of your beauty and passion. but he had his own way of expressing this love to you without thinking you were a blessing from anything at all, or the supposed “heavenly principles” gift personally sent to him. he believes that it was by chance, that amongst chaos, there will always be a fault in the system.

sometimes accidents can be a good thing. but he’s not saying that your meeting was. he just dreads the day that he will outlive your mortal companionship.

he doesn’t like to think about it too much, though…the idea of challenging such a concept in his head over why you were so perfect seemed petty, right?

he just knew it―he didn’t have to believe in anything to think this, simply because he saw it in the way you lived your daily life in front of him. he saw by how benign you were to your enemies. or how you spent most of your days thinking about his health, over of yours.

if dainsleif had to admit, it was a challenge at first. getting used to this kind of intimacy and affection was foreign to him. his memories of his past life were far from fuzzy, which was why he didn’t trust the kindness you showered people with.

but alas, he couldn’t do anything about it. human nature was a fickle concept, and you made him realise how important being loved by someone like you is. he was okay with this ending.

“dain, what are you gonna do when i die?”

that callous question falling from your lips made him freeze―i’d die with you, was what he was meant to come out with, but somehow he couldn’t say it so simply.

“i’m not sure, my love.”

you hear the man hum, probably in deep thought now, across the living room couch from where he was reading a light novel―the two of you made a pit stop at sumeru city before passing on to do business in fontaine.

your muscles tense from his response, fists forming into tight balls. sudden questions like these often made him disassociate.

and then you relax when he pokes his head up from behind the paper.

“i’d visit your grave at any chance i could get. i know that lily of the valley is your favourite flowers, sweetheart.”

you crawl over to his side and sit on his lower pelvis. “hmm, better answer.” you say with a little quirk in your voice, almost sassily, a small and innocent smile forming on your face.

“so, what? you’d only bring me flowers that would most knowingly rott after a day?”

he hums again, “well…no, not exactly.” you begin to place your chin on his chest, smiling more brightly this time. dainsleif brings down his book and settles it closed onto the tea table. he then wraps his arms around your waist, squeezing you tight and pulling you in to kiss the tip of your nose.

“the day we met, was the same day this curse left my body. the day you die, will be the same day this curse wishes it could have stayed longer.”

but he knows this isn’t true. you were never the key to breaking his immortality. you were just the distraction.

“what matters is not the future, of what disasters and good it brings. but what matters now is that i got to love someone so extraordinary.” dainsleif begins to feather lightly over the small of your back, and for the first time in your life, you see him give you this knowing smile, like it was his first time feeling these kind of emotions.

 “your mind, your body. and your soul.”

the man moves your head into the crook of his neck, trying to avoid the bubbling embarrassment settling in his system. you were wide-eyed after that little lecture, and it made his heart throb that, knowing all this, wasn’t actually a blessing from heaven, but a blessing from the unknown.

“you’re so full of shit, y’know?”

even though you knew that nothing could be done to save him from his suffering, but right now, that was not how he felt.

“i love you so much, y/n.”

you press your nose further into his embrace and hug him tighter. “me too, i love you more.”

#dainsleif x reader #genshin x reader #dainsleif #genshin impact #dainsleif angst #genshin angst

[lovebunnie]

god when bloberta tells orel 'thats just his true nature coming out' its soooo. shes always seen that version of clay and has only known him when he is drunk and bitter and cruel. she can see directly through him and knows this front he puts on in front of others but esp orel. bloberta knows how desperately clay tries to cover up his own fuck ups not because he is ashamed but because he wants to remain that untainted vision orel has of him because he can finally be the man of the house to a child who always looks up to him. its why clay hates bloberta so much, she knows exactly who he is. bloberta knows clay is not kind in any way. and orel tells her that when he drinks he changes, and she gets to burst the bubble for him because she has been waiting for clays reckoning for so long: he was never the good man you thought he was. that man who you think he is is not your father. he only becomes the real clay puppington when he is drunk, everything else is a facade. you never knew your father at all. so when she leaves orels room she breaks down partly in sadness that this is what has come of her family and life, waiting to ruin clays image to her son, but also in relief that clay cannot win, and clay will never get back what he threw away. they both walk to their bedroom and lay unblinking in separate beds, a loser and a winner in a game neither of them want to play anymore, and they are both miserable. and orel lays awake knowing he finally met the true version of his father last night. and he shot him.

#space.txt #moral orel #its just his true nature coming out its just his true nature coming out its j #space snips

[blluespirit]

I sort of like the thought that Zuko and Aang take the Sun Warriors' warning not to tell anyone about the dragons a little more seriously… and they keep it between them. Of course, they trust Sokka, Toph and Katara. Of course they know they wouldn’t tell anyone, but now three people (including Iroh) know the truth about Ran and Shaw. And that’s three too many when you’re trying to keep a secret.

(and there are other people at the temple as well - like Haru, Teo and The Duke - who, while trustworthy, aren’t as close to them as the others, and when it comes to secrets with as much consequence as this one, you can’t afford to take any chances.)

Furthermore, the culture within the Fire Nation since Sozin’s rein has been warped. The culture is not to respect the dragons as the original firebenders, it’s to conquer and kill them. It’s the ultimate proof of your strength as a firebender. All it takes is one mistake before rumour spreads, and people go looking for the ultimate hunt. It’s not something Zuko or Aang can risk.

Whether Katara, Toph and Sokka (and Suki) ever find out the truth is up to you. But post-war, after Zuko returns from a strange, poorly explained trip with a dragon, and eventually develops the ability to use rainbow fire, either the others have some questions about Aang’s knowing look, or they are finally let in on a monumental secret.

#it’s a kids show so i think for that reason it was played for laughs about keeping the dragons a secret is not necessarily a bad choice... #the show does that sometimes where it says something off hand and then leaves me lying face down contemplating ✨the consequences✨ of that #but there are some… implications there about being too loose lipped with the truth in leading up to the end of and immediately post #war fire nation. just because zuko understands the spiritual significance of a dragon it does not mean the rest of his people will. actuall #its more likely that they'd reject zuko's opinion considering that he's basically coming into power and then telling everyone that #they've been lied to their whole lives. the fire nation is drowning in propaganda. for a lot of people this opinion of dragons and #firebending's true nature being violence and destruction is all they know. fire is LIFE but to most people that's an alien concept #and in terms of keeping secrets - it’s not even a matter of trust it’s a matter of too many people knowing #you might not even realised you’ve revealed some incredible information to someone who has the means to spread it or pursue it #so… i think zuko would be hyper aware of this. since he grew up hearing stories about the 'glory' of dragon hunting #and since iroh has also made a concerted effort to keep this information hidden i think it makes sense he’d be very hesitant to let it #get out to the public #aang would agree i think esp if zuko explained the importance of hiding them even from loved ones #ALSO random but it also makes me wonder what the fire nation said about roku in wake of the war #he had a dragon but he didn’t kill it. he didn’t ’conquer’ it #sozin would have had to work his ASS off to reframe history as him being the more… loyal(?) patriotic (?) of the two #did he frame it as roku didn’t have the courage to kill a dragon??? that he lacked the strength of a true firebender? #the avatar works hard but sozin's propaganda machine works harder 🧍‍♀️ #zuko #aang #avatar the last airbender #zuko & aang #jack talks #sun warriors #book 3 #what is it with me having a whole separate post in the tags 👁️👄👁️

[movedtodykedvonte]

So confused where fandom/fic writers got this interpretation that Miles does stupid shit that doesn’t make sense or barely works out in the end or puts his friends in unnecessary danger all the time. Like in both movies the others simply underestimate him and don’t understand what Miles is doing cause he thinks like Miles, not like your everyday Spiderman. He uses his Venom Strike to throw Kingpin in the ITSV movie and literally saves Gwen and Peter because they went into battle less than ready. Then had the entire plan to lure the Spiders in ATSV, yet I keep seeing him written like he doesn’t think or gets his friends in trouble even when he understands the danger. Most of the time his different thinking has helped or led people to fix personal issues.

The first movie alone pretty much sets in stone that the exact opposite of what he wants is others to get hurt by his actions, inactions or the actions of others and trying to live up to that belief and the expectations it carries. Across the Spider-verse hammers it home with how he constantly tries to save people because that’s what he should do, rather than listen to some theory that is clearly not absolute at best and outright wrong at worst. Every fic has him being the one to cause issues and not fix them when his planning and actions literally helped save Gayatri and her father.  (c’mon we know the glitching was the spot)

Yeah, I get making him stubborn or strong willed cause he doesn’t listen all the time but usually it’s for a good and valid reason, if he listened every time he was told not to, guess how many of our beloved characters would be dead?

#cause all the times he acts rash are because hes being lied to misled or not treated like he is gonna have to be spiderman and is spiderman #first gwen with the entirety of spider society and why he couldn't come then talked over by Miguel and blamed for what he couldn't possibly #control not to mention the shoddy nature of miguels entire theory #cause if it was true 1610b earth 42 and mayday wouldnt have happened or would collaspe casue miles was never supposed to be spiderman #so many things would be going wrong if it was true #miles is pretty level headed most of the time and quick he outsmarted the guy who made the trans dimension tech for crying outloaud #he simply doesnt tell his exact plan he does it and its up to others to figure it out cause why would he narrate his plan to them #he litteraly tells miguel he just doesnt know what miles is doing in response to miguel thinking hes just running blindly even Peter & Gwen #are suprised cause the whole point of miles story is others thinking they know it and underestimating him #him being dumb and rash and naive in fics just isnt a good source of conflict especially if its post ATSV and BTSV #he is constantly stating he doesnt need to prove himself as spiderman to anyone but himself soemthing he realizes in ITSVs climax #he already knows he spiderman and be damned if hes gonna try to prove it to someone who wanted his dad to die like yall treat him like he #learned nothing Miguel made more issues by not listening to Miles about the spot like he wants to wait for him to get stronger so Miles dad #will die think about that and say Miles is rash and doesn;t think again he isnt inexperienced or naive anymore save that for Pavitr who jinx #himself and has only been spiderman for 6 goddamn months #miles morales #across the spiderverse #atsv #spiderverse #atsv spoilers #spiderman #mini rant over im actually going to sleep now

[superel]

clark is not a good liar, but he is great at keeping secrets and can be described as secretive by lois...

#i think of this a lot. his lies are so bad the only reason he gets away w lies as clark kent is cuz how he built #clark ken.ts reliability ( his human person is meant to be percieved as flighty. flakey. ) #but when it comes to secrets such as his identity. being supe.rman. his true feelings..HE IS A PROFESSIONAL AT HIDING IT #clark was raised to hide who he truly is and what he is capable of. in fact he is so conscience of not giving anyone any signals due to the #he has to keep track of everything he does. such as having to pretend to be weak. having to give way when being shoved like a human #pretending to be tired when he jogs by panting. conscience that he has to say ow when he falls #basically clark is extremely aware of how to not give anything away that he is so good at being secretive #and sometimes this DOES awfully effecti his relationships #example one: he was too scared to tell lois he was superman even if he was dating her ( in some iterations ) so he prolonged it... #example 2: lois once called off their engagment because clark never mentioned he had once been engaged to a woman he had been #hanging out with again ( completely platonic btw ) but in clarks head hes like #just so good at not mentioning things since he thinks it doesnt matter to be mentioned if itll add strain? #idk hes weird like hes an honest man he wont lie to you but hes justa professiona secret keeper on a subconscious level atp #❝ 𝗢𝗢𝗖 ⁂ ꞉ [ out of character ] ¡ #also i welcome muses confronting him on his secretive nature. its not healthy sometimes ngl

[fuzziemutt]

The fact that Fritz's hand shakes with the gun when he comes out of the casket lives in my mind

A side effect of diazepam are tremors

But they're also a symptom of withdrawal.... Alongside sweating (pale skin), insomnia, and nausea...

And sometimes numbness

#i speak #emesis blue #tf2 #team fortress 2 #the medic #i don't know why he would cold turkey the supposed valium given he didn't know its true nature yet but it could explain #why he was looking like the dead there in the end beyond the metaphor of a walking deadman and the effects of the horrors #he could be ODing on the valium arguably too after y'know... the horrors #it could also be a result of coming out of the slaughterhouse corrupted respawn station. he came out corrupted and his natural #healing can only do so much with what it's got especially again the horrors #the withdrawal theory also doesn't quite work because 3 days pass between the burndown and the funeral nov 1 to nov 4 #and diazepams are long acting drugs so withdrawal doesn't typically set in for a week or so #but this is just from light research so #either way medics hands def aren't shaking from fear and the subtle tremors are a nice touch

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#me for like 22yrs of my life: god. get me tf outta the midwest. i hate it here #me flying home after 3yrs living in the desert: oh fuck. HOLY FUCK. its fucking green yall!!!! im losing my mind. HOW SO GREEN????!!!! #literally everytime i fly home im like: holy shit every town is like. in the woods. im gonna cry. that so beautiful #bc im a sap lol. its true tho! its crazy. and it's so fucking green here its beautiful #im so desperate to leave the desert. i really wanna go to school somewhere in the Appalachian mountains tbh #god its so nice to be home. we'll see if i acutally post less bc i might actually b happy for a bit haha. or i might post more nature #stuff bc ill be like: yo look how awesome the world is. ya kno? #my mum is super into rock collecting so i come home and shes like: yo lets watch YouTube vids of ppl rock collecting and im like omg i lov #this. ppl sharing their lov of geology and pretty rocks 😭 and my parents r like hey if u get the summer off bc ur funding runs out and ur #between programs u can come home and we can do some traveling in our camper! we can go to the UP and down to the gray fossil site. bc i #cant shut up abt paleontology lol. my parents r so good 😭😭😭 #im so excited to see the lake and go to the museum and we're gonna visit my old prof in my college town and he does quantitative models so #like he doesn't get a ton of students enthusiastic abt his work and he really started me out on my path. so like. im paying my respects 🙏 #hopefully all goes well lol. im also gonna snipe some samples from a state park and mail them back to school. which should be neat #sigh... anyway im just happy for now and theres so much cool stuff in the world #and yet for some reason i canoot sleep. despite the fact i woke up at 3.30am yesterday so that i could travel for like 11hrs #im too awake now #i want it to be morning! #also shout out to my nose that apparently does not work. like thr dogs got sprayed by a skunk yesterday morning and i do not smell it #its so weird. i dont kno why. i can smell other things. i just cant smell this? idk ive long suspected my sense of smell is awful #and i guess this confirms it. everytime my boss is like: do u smell this??? im like: lol no. what r u talking abt? #that's prob why im so picky. everything is bland 😵‍💫 bc i cannot taste that much #unrelated #lol i slept like 3hrs and now my brain is like hmmm that enough of that lol #also wtf not that many ppl were wearing masks in the airport. u hate to see it

[starswallowingsea]

thinking about angel/demon madashu now

#🙈🙈🙈🙈 #uhm angel mama demon shu where the shinkai cult is heaven and mama is trying to propagate that to the human worshippers #runs into shu who is kinda vibing on earth bc he hates hell for being stuffy and not great for his creative freedom #i've seen a few interpretations of shu if he wasnt an idol and im partial to museum director #and he has some. questionable artifacts on display that mama is sent to investigate #and shu thinks its suspicious and they dance around the fact that neither of them are human #like theres hints of it sometimes shu's demonic features creep out when he's annoyed w madara's questioning #and madara has a bad habit of leaving feathers behind #its like a back and forth and eventually shu catches madara sneaking in after hours bc shu doesnt need sleep #and accidentally reveals his true nature when he pins mama against the wall like his horns come out his wings are out he grows claws #and as a defense mechanism madara employs his angel powers and those activate in a flash of light and shu's like oh fuck #i'm going to have to erase the security team's memories of this and edit the-- wait what the fuck are you an angel? #and madara's like you're a demon????? and its like. the spiderman pointing meme #uhm. yeah yeah so. yeah yep. #dont have anything past that yet but i just made this all up on the spot so #shay speaks

[mxdotpng]

the soremik in my head is so vastly different from anyone elses idea of them that i fear if i ever speak out on the subject i'll have rocks thrown at me. but once again they are allowed to look but never touch. you have to expect this from me by now.

#.text #its for an actual reason this time outside of general preference though! #to sorey the best time to have told mikleo he loves him was before he met alisha. and then after. well. thats his secret now #i near constantly think about how sorey views his duty as shepherd. it is not just a title -- it is like chains. #he knows he is going to die some day. and its clear that after he becomes shepherd he knows its going to be soon. #i think a lot of the optimism sorey has is true. to an extent -- he believes the things he says to others. #but he knows some of them are lies. #its a kind of 'if i say it enough times and if i try hard enough then i can will it to be true' kind of mentality #which more often than not writes him off as naive and ignorant. and in some cases that is true. but in others he is often right. which is #why that optimism sounds like pure optimism rather than him trying to force things to turn out well #which is in turn connects to how he knows being the shepherd isnt something that comes without cost. it isnt just the weight that hurts him #and you know he knows this because the realization that he must become maotelus' vessel is not one that comes suddenly #to him. it has always been there. he knew this was going to happen. he does not fear it -- not entirely. it isnt the act of #sleeping or dying that scares him. its what comes after. but not for him. for the people around him. #he is never scared for what may happen to him. only of what may happen to others and how it affects them. #honestly the fact that this mentality came naturally to him is so startling... it came out of nowhere. only was this born #from the way that he loves and protects others. nothing else. #which turns right back around to mikleo. the shepherd is chained down by fate. he will not do the same to mikleo #i think he would do it because he believes hes protecting mikleo of the heart break. because more than anything sorey wants him #to live. after hes gone he wants mikleo to live. and i genuinely cannot think of their relationship as otherwise #because i know full well that the moment mikleo and sorey found out that sorey is human and he is going to die. it changed everything #even if it changed nothing it changed everything. #im going to love you for all of my life and youre going to miss me for the rest of yours. type of relationship. #not to mention sorey has this really large savior complex -- he knows he is hurting himself by doing this (by doing everything #really. the first thing that comes to mind is allowing alisha to become his sublord. if he dies because of their pact #but saves at least one life because of it. then so be it) #but is saving mikleo. which obviously isnt the case. thats never been the case. #but that is how it is and how it must always be. #sorry for the sorey essay. it will happen again