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hauntingmesostunningly · 11 months

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marvel headcanons pt. 2

hyperspecific headcanons for (more of) my favorite marvel characters!

!! TW: trauma , bipolar disorder , anxiety , ptsd , neurodivergence , alcohol

Valkyrie :

lesbian

they / she

addicted to monster energy drinks

hates animals and thinks pets are for the weak, but then they were gifted a black kitten named soot and soot has her wrapped around his paw.

spoils her adventure cat, soot, to the extreme

has a massive collection of vintage knives

wears black doc martens everywhere she goes

has had a girlfriend for a weirdly long amount of time and is in a very healthy, stable, and committed relationship and she doesn’t get why this seems to surprise everyone

very short but will kill you if you bring it up

top and is VERY protective over her sub

when she was on earth she tried axe throwing and got a bullseye on the first try and doesn’t get why people think its so hard.

deadlifter

can bench more than captain america, they’re gym bros and always compete to see who can lift more.

occasionally drags her girlfriend to the gym to torture her with labored breathing, sweaty biceps and tight bike shorts.

when she first went to earth and discovered target was when she found the true love of her life

Pavitr Prabhakar :

genderqueer , pansexual , polyamory

they / them

has a big crush on hobie

has adhd

is a huge extrovert but is closeted to most of their friends

wants to open a cafe as their job

has a secret passion for baking

uses humor to cover up their trauma

experiences extreme adhd burnout and will neglect spider duties for days on end when they have burnout days but is really hard on themselves for letting things get out of hand

their extended family is toxic and has a lot of issues with eachother so Pavi turned into a bit of a control freak because of their childhood trauma

is closeted to their whole family except their mom, who loves and supports them and uses their correct pronouns

has divorced parents

bipolar

chai fanatic and constantly is reworking their own unique recipe

is a massive fanboy over iron man

America Chaves :

bisexual

is best friends with Kamala Khan and has a crush on her

because of her childhood trauma from losing her moms so early, she struggles with commitment and getting close to people

chatterbox

tries pizza in every universe and is a firm believer that pineapple does belong on pizza

hops around the multiverse but usually crashes at Kamala’s house or at tonys compound

gets severe panic attacks

allergic to dogs

hardcore swiftie

hyperfixates super easily and likes to spew niche details about whatever she’s currently obsessed with to whoever she’s with

she had doctor strange claim himself as her legal guardian and file her as ‘independent study’ so she doesn’t have to go to high school.

only hangs out with other enhanced teens because she’s scared of regular teenagers

Miles Morales :

trans ftm

he/him

has a speech impediment and a lisp

close friends with peter parker (tom holland version)

often forgets that he shouldn’t bind and swing

he’s not formally out to his parents but they suspect it

has dyslexia and struggles in spanish class

obsessed with jurassic park

sometimes gets panic attacks while swinging in a binder because he can’t breathe

gwen is like a sister to him and she’s seen him cry more times than he wants to admit

he’s technically in an after school tutor group for kids with learning disabilities ever since he was diagnosed but he always skips it to go swinging

secretly works at a corner store to save up money for his top surgery and to help pay for testosterone

he hopes to be accepted into tony stark’s grant that supports trans kids and provides funding for their transitions called “the parker project”

Bucky Barnes :

demiboy + gay

has severe ptsd from his time as the winter soldier but eventually agreed under the advisement of his (many) therapists to get a ptsd service dog and is much happier with Radar at his side

is married to steve rodgers

eventually begrudgingly agreed to have 1 kid with steve (using a surrogate) and they ended up having twin girls, Sophie and Claire. and bucky admittedly loves fatherhood and would do absolutely anything for his girls.

lives in a small town in arizona with his family, away from the smelly city.

every month or so, him and his family flies out to visit the avengers at the compound

battled severe alcoholism for years prior but after the blip steve and the avengers held an intervention and sent him to rehab and he as stayed sober since

has taken up a part time position at a brewery despite being sober

Loki Laufeyson :

genderfluid + aromantic asexual

they / she / he

hates all kids except for steve and bucky’s twin daughters, sophie and claire, which she spoils rotten with presents whenever she’s in town

travels full time

shape shifts their appearance depending on the day and what their gender is feeling like that day

will kill anyone who misgenders them

will brutally critique every cafés cold brew black coffee in every town she visits

thinks anyone who doesn’t drink straight cold brew black coffee is weak

is cautious about monetary expenses but eventually caved and got a cat and now refuses to go anywhere without their cat, goldie

doesn’t let any strangers pet goldie when they’re out and about together, instead choosing to pick his precious baby up and say “if you want to pet a cat go and get your own. she’s mine” and then glare until the onlooker goes away

they love going onto wikipedia and editing thor’s page to include all the tea about his poor brothers sex and dating life and to upload horrendous photos of thor onto the page

occasionally stops by and visits Valkyrie so they can go knifing together (competing to see who can throw knives with the most accuracy)

is a january capricorn

has expensive taste and only wears name brands

#loki #loki layfeson #america chavez #doctor strange in the multiverse of madness #valkyrie #thor love and thunder #pavitr my beloved #pavitr prabhakar #spider man across the spider verse #miles morales #bucky barnes #winter soldier

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years

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im sorry if this is hard to answer but i was anorexic for nearly four years before... idk my life got good enough that i decided recovery was worth it. im in a really good place right now.

im a trans guy with unsupportive parents tho, and they decided to send me to an all girls private catholic school next year. i know a trans guy who goes there and he relapsed this year and its so toxic there thar he had to transfer out.

i know i cant handle this place, nor can i change my parents mind, so how do i minimize the damage next year? how do i get through this alive? what can i do to stay as healthy as possible while in relapse? i need to prepare to be as healthy as i can. and pls none of the bullshit like ’talk to a friend’ or ’just eat’ it. it does not help.

thanks so much, you dont have to reply if you dont want to, im just so fucking scared because i have 4 more months of being recovered at best and i dont want to go back.

Oh man. That is a really tough situation you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents don't want to put you in a supportive environment.

Is there anything you can control about the situation? For example, does the school offer uniform pants? I know a lot of religious schools have traditionally only offered skirts for AFAB students, but a lot of them have been shifting to offering pants as a part of the uniform. Do you have any flexibility with shoe choice and hairstyle? You could also opt to size up with your shirt choice and to pair it with sports bras, which tend to minimize breast size if that is a dysphoria trigger for you. I know that consistent binding is not safe, but if you can get a proper binder, perhaps you can wear it safely during school hours to feel a little more in-control in that environment. Idk if it'd be worth it to risk punishment by cutting your own hair or adopting a gender-neutral nickname, but perhaps you could give yourself a pixie cut that looks neutral and feels less traditionally "girly" if you haven't already.

If you can't get the control of your outfit that you need, perhaps I could help find recommendations of social media accounts of men, both cis and trans, who wear skirts and/or do things that aren't traditionally "masculine." Just to help you keep affirming to yourself that clothes don't necessarily make a man a man, and if a man wears a skirt then it's a man's skirt. Consuming this content might help you feel less alone this school year.

This friend might be able to be a resource to you by warning you about what was hardest to handle about this school environment/what you can avoid vs. what you can seek out. If they have a theater department and you're allowed extracurriculars, I'd suggest you join that for the camaraderie. In my experience, a lot of closeted queer kids group together in theater.

I wasn't trans, but I was a neurodivergent kid who didn't quite "fit in" and I can say that I often took my lunch to the school library rather than trying to find cafeteria seating with people I didn't know well. You might find comfort in books like I did, or spend time writing for yourself. (You might want to destroy some of your writings as I did in order to avoid the repercussions of snooping parents, but even the act can be so, so therapeutic and self-affirming.) Outside of school, if you can manage to peruse/buy queer books and sneak them into school, you might have some good solidarity reads to get you through that environment. You could even just memorize your most affirming quotes and write them/draw art/print out pics of fave trans icons and decorate the insides of your binders and notebooks with them. Just find what affirms you and do it as much as you possibly can.

I think that finding trans-affirming activity you can do, even under the radar, will be key in maintaining both your mental health and your bodily self-esteem. That's one of the reasons I recommended taking your lunch to the library or to find another space that feels safe. It might be easier to eat, and to perform the mental self-care necessary for semi-healthy eating patterns, if you are in a safe space, even if that safe space has to be self-created. You could try internally repeating the following affirmations at school, especially before and during eating:

"The clothes I am wearing are a man's clothes, because I am a man and I'm wearing them."

"Toxic peoples' perception of me does not determine who I am. I know who I am and I know my worth."

"I will not be here forever. There have been so many queer icons who've been where I am and blossomed after. There is life after high school."

"It's not right that this time has been taken from me, but there will be better times in the future and I deserve them."

"Feeling bad doesn't mean I don't deserve to eat. Actualizing my negative body feelings will only make them worse. I deserve to feel good in my body."

"I can invest in my future. I will invest in my future."

This may be the subject of another post, but what is your relationship to religion? You may be just needing to get out entirely, which is valid, but you should also know that there are queer-affirming pastors and churches out there. If you are stuck in an environment where prayer and religious study is enforced and required, I might be able to recommend some sources that could give you covertly affirming prayers to focus on during that time. However, if you just need out of religion entirely, which some religion-traumatized people do, the above affirmations are religion-neutral and you could try to focus on those during prayer times.

It may feel affirming to focus on your future, OP. One of these days you will be out of school and will have control over yourself and financial freedom too. It might be worth looking into starting points in your area. Investing in your future may help you feel like there is something to keep fighting for, and like investing in your wellness has worth. It is self-affirming to invest in your future because you are sending the message to yourself that you are worthy of having a good future and that you are strong enough to fight for it.

Please feel free to follow up and be in touch for more support. I care about your well-being and I'm sure there are others out there who've been through things like this and can offer support. And while I'm not trans myself, I have other followers who are, and to other followers - I would love to get your input on things that can help this guy! Perhaps you can just be in touch with him and offer companionship and solidarity.

#ed recovery #healing #gender dysphoria #gender affirming #trans posi #long post

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thefandomboysblog · 2 years

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the autistic and adhd traits i've noticed in tibby devin as an autistic person with adhd, aka proof that tibby devin is unintentionally autistic with adhd, or at least heavily coded as such -aka proof for my headcanon-:

tldr, aka conclusion; tibby devin is heavily coded as neurdivergent, especifically as someone autistic and with adhd, or is straight up autistic with adhd, and therefore i claim him (/hj /lh) as an autistic and adhd headcanon of mine. (and yes i copied and pasted this from the billy post, it still works so idgaf)

autistic traits;

1. black and white mentality, as showed with his belief that he has to use his powers in a certain way, but also telling his friends how they should do so with theirs, specially to billy. he’s the moral compass of the radar throughout the first two seasons and has a clear anxiety aspect to it, becuase he also shows extreme worry and doubt of his own identity if he isn’t being morally good as shown in the second season after he accidentally killed mike and how he tried to “make up for it” going to heal random people at the hospital.

2. stimming, its the repetitive performance of certain physical movements or vocalizations, which serves a variety of functions, such as calming and expression of feelings. tibby is seen in at least two instances, one involving stress and the other to express joy. i have an example of both but the happy one is literally my favorite ever, because it's the best stim; the flappy hands.

3. has no filter, shows excessive sincerity, and often can't lie well, just like billy he often says “inappropiate” things and things he’s too blunt or sincere about through the seasons, and he also explicitly says can't lie well and or can only lie to his friends, and that didn't work out well, either, in season 2 ep 4.

4. special interests, seen in multiple instances, and explicitly said. the way he talks about dnd, and the way he talks about especially comics books and how he uses them to relate to the world.

5. difficulty socializing, as seen with the fact that before everything started in season one his only friend was billy, and how at first he had issues interacting with the other members of the radar.

adhd traits;

1. impulsivity, as in seen in several instances in which he does something without thinking, specially during most of the second season and also while he's losing his mind due to sleep deprivation when he's trying not to be caught inside the black rock again.

2. talks excessively, again for this i don't really need any proof. he talks non stop during most of the second season and often rambles in times of stress and or when he feels he needs to provide context to others of the situation (and i think this is a sign of the fact that he is clearly a bit of a people pleaser, which is very common all around the neurodivergent community because of the stigma and the internalized ableism imo)

3. rejection sensitive dysphoria, he shows this very little, maybe a sign of the fact that he seems more in the inatentive type (while imo billy would be the combined type and skye the hyperactive type), but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t has it. i think a good example of it is when he thinks mickey is cheating on him in the second season and how irational and impulsive he becomes; rambling, shaving and going completely bald, etc.

4. easily frustrated, this is a big part of his personality too, like the impulsivity and the rsd, but it seems to shine especially like rsd from the second season and forward, he gets heated easily and sometimes explodes in conversations with agressivity.

#kollok 1991 #tibby devin #autistic tibby devin #adhd tibby devin #headcanons #weird little guy

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vendeavendea · 4 years

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How Entrapta Has Become My All Time Favourite Autistic Representation in Media: Long Version

Just so you know what to expect, this is more of a very long and boring personal post and less of a character analysis. By "very long", I mean "very long". Also, half of it was written at night when I was supposed to be sleeping (like, right now), so some parts might not even make sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just days before I started to watch She-Ra, I answered a question in a writer group where someone asked what are the do's and don'ts of writing an autistic character. I've been told a couple of times in my life that I can’t be autistic based on the fact that I'm not really interested in or good at science, so I think special interests of autistic people are something that definitely has to be presented better in media. So I advised this person to make their character have a special interest that's NOT related to science, technology, space or computers, because it's a very common misconception that people on the autism spectrum are always into these stuff, and there are so many autistic fictional characters based on this stereotype that I feel like we absolutely don't need any more.

And then I saw Entrapta.

I didn't know she's canonically autistic until a much later episode, but it didn't surprise me when I was told she is, because my autism radar went off like a hundred times while watching System Failure and all her other season 1 appearances (so did my ADHD radar, by the way, but as far as I know, this hasn't been confirmed by the creators, so it's just my headcanon). And she looked like the purple ponytails princess version of the autism stereotype that I didn’t want to see any more of. The genius who is into space and robots, knows nothing about human relationships and keeps driving everyone nuts with her long and impossible-to-follow scientific monologues. Also cute and funny, yeah, but still, as someone on the spectrum who is super artistic and has nothing to do with science stuff, my first reaction was "dang, not this shit again." Just for once in my life, I wanted to see an autistic representation that's not just that typical weird tech-lover but a character that's at least a tiny bit more like me. Seeing her only in her first episode, little did I know that Entrapta's character has an incredible depth and her whole arc was going to be hair-raisingly personal to me (I know I'm not funny, but pun intended).

First, let’s talk about robots, because we can't talk about Entrapta without talking about robots. Entrapta builds robots just for fun, because technology is her thing, but there's actually a lot more behind this. Starting from as early as her debute episode, we see through the whole series that she creates robots with different designs, abilities, personalities, very similar to real people, as a sort of substitute for the human (or whatever species) company she'd wish to have. She even gives them names. She programs them to like being around her, to understand her, something that she hasn't really experienced from real people, which is sad enough on its own, but even sadder if we consider that she actually has human staff working at her fortress. She pretty literally makes friends, and she does it with the help of her special interest. And this totally reminds me of my primary school years when I had zero real friends and used my special interest, which was writing fictional stories and creating worlds/universes/languages in my head, to make up imaginary characters that could be my "friends" so that I wouldn't be that lonely.

Then, her interactions with other characters, especially with Hordak. Entrapta consoling Hordak in Huntara is a very powerful scene to me, not only what she says, but also how she says it. When Hordak starts venting about how he is a failure and all, Entrapta's first immediate response is to provide a practical solution, to design an armor for him, and comforting him with words is only a secondary action. She's helping in her own way, with technology, because that's what she's the best at, but she also wants to make sure he understands that fixing imperfections isn't always the solution, embracing them is. I also love how it's hinted with the "loved" crystal that Entrapta's love language may be acts of service (and probably quality time as well), which is another thing we have in common. And there's another thing in that scene I found very relatable: that part when she stops consoling him and starts to talk about herself being a failure instead. In real life, most people would read that in a negative way. I've been in many situations where I've tried doing something similar to people who were venting to me, and normally, they're like "ew, I'm the one complaining now, stop making it about you." But Hordak's reaction is different, all he does is try to tell her she's not a failure before she shushes him, then he just listens. He understands what Entrapta means by saying all those things about herself isn't "hey, look, my life is also horrible, so I get to complain, too" but rather "I feel you, we're the same". For a person who thinks and acts as differently from average people as Entrapta does, connecting with someone through similar experiences and feelings is a huge thing, and this is so relatable to me that I cried like a baby while watching that scene. Also, kudos to Christine Woods for making Entrapta's monologue sound so factual and casual. It really gives the impression of someone who is fully aware of her own strengths and weaknesses and accepts herself as a whole with all her flaws. The way she lists all the things that make her feel like a failure right after saying "imperfection is beautiful" is just... wow. But seriously, this whole "imperfection is beautiful" thing in general is such a cliché that it's not even supposed to work on me, but hell it does, because it's so well-presented that it's actually one of the most powerful moments of the whole series. Entrapta giving me self-acceptance lessons is all I've ever needed in my life (Hordak probably agrees, lol).

Speaking of self-acceptance, I also love how Beast Island shows that it's a long and difficult process with its ups and downs instead of just a door you walk through once in your life and then stay on the other side forever. Even if I accept and love myself the way I am, it's still totally normal to have low points with thoughts like "I'm not suited for friendship" or "everyone leaves me behind". And it's very nice and uplifting to have someone's love and support when I'm in a bad mood with stuff like this on my mind, but personally, I often find it easier to deal with if I have something related to any of my special interests around that I can focus my thoughts on. My "we flew here on an ancient First Ones ship, do you wanna see it?" would be something like "do you wanna create some characters and then write the shit out of them?" and before this show I've never actually realised how neurodiverse it is to use a hobby or interest for self-care like this. The "definitely the ship" part called me out so hard, and I just adore how the writers were able put so much meaning into a single joke line.

Back to interactions, there's also something painfully relatable in the way the other princesses treat Entrapta. Even in the beginning in No Princess Left Behind, but mostly in season 4 and 5. In most cases, Entrapta is only considered to be worthy enough to not be left behind in situations when her skills are useful. Other characters "liking" her isn't really about herself as a person but her tech knowledge. Just like when you go to school and the only reason your classmates want to make friends with you is because you always do your homework and let others copy it, or you're good at explaining stuff and are willing to help people getting prepared for tests/exams. When I was in grammar school, my classmates ignored me or mocked me for liking animation and comics, but every now and then they did the bare minimum of treating me like a human being and expected me to do their arts homework in return, because I was the only one in my class who was good at arts. When I studied linguistics at the uni, I was really into phonology and historical linguistics, and those were the compulsory subjects most of the other students were struggling with, so many people wanted to hang out with me just to make sure they could get my notes before the exams. The same people kept calling me nerd and making fun of me behind my back. I also had a few genuine friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still know what it feels like to be needed only for a specific skill while not being noticed and respected as a person, and Launch portraits this experience in a very clever way. It's so amazing to see how the princesses realise who Entrapta really is and start to treat her as someone who just thinks differently instead of someone who's a deliberate bad person. They finally get to see that she's not just an unwary tech nerd, but also a determined, caring and loyal friend who gives others so much love in her own geeky way and deserves love, too. But I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, we're talking about a show that teaches us "you worth more than what you can give to other people," and it's great how this message applies to other characters as well, not only to Adora. And the best part is that this whole conflict is not presented as something black and white, it's not like Entrapta is the poor misunderstood autistic person and the princesses are the evil allistic bad guys who mistreat her. It's simply a miscommunication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals, and while the other princesses get to understand that they hurt Entrapta by their actions and that they should be more respectful of her, Entrapta also realises that she's made mistakes and hurt people, becomes aware of her own bad habits and makes efforts to get rid of them in order to save Glimmer. Plus I also love the faint implication that most of the princesses never really, genuinely, 100% make friends with Entrapta even after this scene, because sometimes people just don't resonate with each other enough to become close friends, but they learn to accept her differences and treat her with respect, nonetheless. This episode is so full of realistic interactions and character development it blows my mind every time I rewatch it.

I could just go on and on about all those tiny relatable details such as "I've waited years for someone to ask me about my theories!" I think this was the line that first made me fall in love with Entrapta's character. I mean, if someone from the crew wrote this line, that means they might know the feeling, too, so I'm not the only dork who feels this way every time someone asks me a question about my hyperfixations. And it's just so reassuring. Entrapta has many lines of the kind, they're not even important plotwise, but still super relatable and validating.

Now that we're here, and I know that I probably should have said this at the beginning of the post, but I'm too lazy to rewrite the first paragraph accordingly, I'd like to note that these are all my own interpretations and reflections on Entrapta's character based on my own experiences. This whole thing is totally personal, and I don't want anyone to think that this is how Entrapta is supposed to be seen by the whole fandom. So yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

#She-Ra #She-Ra Reboot #SPOP #entrapta #autism #personal

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twilightofthe · 4 years

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Anakin Skywalker Has ADHD. Here’s Why:

I’ve noticed during my time as a neurodivergent person in the Star Wars community that Anakin, a favorite character of mine, displays a lot of neurodivergent traits. Other people have noticed this too; in particular, @bpdanakins has made a really in depth and detailed post explaining how Anakin having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) makes a whole lotta sense. I’ve got ADHD, so this post is gonna be about how I as an ADHD individual see Anakin Skywalker as having ADHD too!!!

Note: Symptoms of ADHD include inability to focus and disorganization. I have ADHD. This post is gonna be a wee bit disorganized and I probs won’t be the best at citing a million sources cuz I do not have the mental focus to do that right now. Thank ye.

So, what is ADHD? (Complicated. The answer is complicated.) (If you don’t want the general ADHD lecture, just scroll down to where I start talking about Anakin particularly).

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurological disorder that impairs the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization. Basically, ADHD is a developmental weakness in how the brain manages itself. I like to picture it like a filing cabinet. Everyone else’s brain has a neatly sorted, labeled, and organized cabinet full of drawers that contain typical brain executive function commands. ADHD people’s brains have a monkey in them that runs around screeching loudly, ripping labels off drawers, rearranging stuff, throwing the files everywhere, eating the papers and generally making a gigantic mess, so whatever you need to go to the drawers to look for something, it takes you ten times longer to find the mental command you need to do if it’s even still there-- and also the monkey is biting your leg the entire time.

People tend to say that this monkey infestation is a gift because sometimes, occasionally, the monkey will rearrange the papers in a different, special way that makes a beautiful picture that no one’s seen before and you can share it for the world to enjoy and everything’s great, you’re just quirky! People tend to forget that it can be like that, but 90% of the time it’s more like the monkey has decided to take a massive shit all over the one specific paper you needed really badly and then put it in front of your foot so you step in it and don’t notice until people point out you’re tracking monkey shit paper everywhere. Anyway.

ADHD is a complex condition and difficult to diagnose because it has so many different varying symptoms, and one person who has ADHD may experience none of the symptoms than another person who also has ADHD does and vice versa because there is a lot. ADHD also tends to go unnoticed because it overlaps symptoms with a LOT of other mental illnesses an individual might have, so you might not even know you have ADHD if you’re also, say, autistic or bipolar, or again vice versa, because there’s a lot of “same hat” stuff going on there.

ADHD also can have its own subcategories of mental illness that can also stand on their own, like ADHD-induced anxiety or ADHD-induced depression. It can be really confusing to know everything going on in your head and put a label on it; for example for me, my doctors and I think I’ve got a separate anxiety disorder that works on its own that my ADHD makes worse, but that the depressive episodes I can suffer likely stem from my ADHD, and don’t need to be tackled individually or say that I have depression.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has previously identified three subtypes of ADHD:

Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive type: Mainly have impulse control problems, tend to be impulsive, impatient, and interrupt others. They fidget, hate sitting still/need to be in constant movement, tend to blurt out what’s on their mind or do what they feel like without thinking it through. They’re constantly up with the thoughts in their head and have difficulty focusing on a single task unless they’re in hyperfocus mode (explaining more later)

Primarily Inattentive type: Are easily distracted and forgetful. Tend to be daydreamers who lose track of memories and personal items with regularity.

Primarily Combined type: Tend to display a mixture of both symptoms. I was diagnosed as a child with the combined type but leaning more towards inattentive.

Anakin and Signs of ADHD:

SO. For starters, I see Anakin as primarily combined type with heavy leanings toward hyperactive-impulsivity. While this type is used to describe the stereotypical hyper little boy media tends to paint ADHD people as, adults can have it too and I see it a lot in Anakin. ADHD magazine ADDitude gives examples of adults with h-i ADHD as people who find difficulty in waiting around for anything, interrupt others in conversation, make impulsive decisions, and have reckless driving skills. Sound at all like someone we know?

Now Anakin absolutely checks all of the above boxes, but it’s way more than that, though. I looked up Healthline’s basic signs and symptoms of Adult ADHD, and I am going to run down the list to show how basically all of them apply to Anakin Skywalker in one way or another. Let’s begin!

Anakin and LACK OF FOCUS: ADDitude suggests that saying ADHD people don’t have attention might be a bit misleading. More accurately, ADHD people have tons of attention, we just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency. In canon, it is made very clear to us very early on that Anakin has issues with some of the more spiritual aspects of Jedi training, like meditation, because he does not possess the focus necessary to concentrate. We get other times when Anakin’s on missions with Obi Wan, where it is made clear Anakin has read the mission brief, but he hasn’t done a good job on it as he’s overlooked something. He gets distracted while in diplomatic situations and Obi Wan needs to tell him to pay attention. Palpatine is able to pull sketchy shit because he knows how to slip under Anakin’s radar while he’s not too focused on him. Anakin isn’t always aware of his surroundings, seeing as how basically everyone who knows him knows about Padmé because he’s not good at being subtle; he’s not good at reading a room. Canon has established that Anakin, while brilliant, has a very flighty attention span and unless it’s something that is deeply important to him or made glaringly obvious, his brain has a tendency to skip over it, and makes him less aware.

Anakin and HYPERFOCUS: The flip side of ADHD focus issues. While our brains don’t always want to pay attention to important rules or other peoples’ emotions or basically anything presented to us that we find boring in any shape or form, if we find something we like, we LATCH. ON. And we cannot stop concentrating on it, up until the point that we lose track of time and ignore others around us. In canon, it is shown very easily what Anakin hyperfocuses on. He’s described in several SW books and is shown in show and movies to completely go into a zone when in combat mode. He’s good at it, he enjoys it, and saber skills is easily something that he can concentrate and get lost in. Another obvious one is mechanics. We see briefly in TCW and bits in the movies where when Anakin is fixing something or piloting something, he kind of drifts away from reality-- he’s got an ear on the situation if there’s danger of course, but he goes just solidly into Tech Mode where all he concentrates on is whatever he’s fixing/piloting at the moment, and that’s why he’s so skilled at what he does. It’s also possible to hyperfocus on specific ideas or opinions, which you can see in basically every argument Anakin ever gets into with someone. He’s like a dog with a bone on a topic he wants to discuss Right Now This Very Second and he will not let it go, nor will he allow you to either, because when we hyperfocus, our fixation can bleed into conversation until it takes control of the conversation, without us even knowing we’re doing it, so it can be surprising/embarrassing when someone points out we’re doing it.

Anakin and DISORGANIZATION: ADHD people basically struggle with organizational skills. While we don’t see much of Anakin’s living spaces, we can see from the brief TCW snippets that his living quarters are a little cluttered. However, he does run a relatively neat army-- though we don’t know how much of that has Rex, Ahsoka, Obi Wan, or someone else to thank for it. In Anakin, most of the disorganization we see is in his mind. Priorities can be an issue for ADHD people, and Anakin tends to prioritize the wrong thing at the wrong time at certain points. He doesn’t always know what to say or how to say it, making him awkward and not very eloquent when speaking.

Anakin and TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS: An issue that goes hand-in-hand with disorganization. We have trouble using time effectively. We procrastinate on things we don’t want to do, show up late, ignore things we consider boring, and the idea of the future or the past is overwhelming and or scary to us and can cause panic-- we need to focus on the now and the now alone because if we try to cross that bridge before we get to it, we might end up burning it. All throughout TCW, we get Obi Wan in particular, but others as well, harping on Anakin for showing up late. And, uh, he kinda does. He makes it, he always does, but it’s always at the last minute just when everyone’s worried he’s not gonna show up. He sometimes doesn’t go to important meetings. He puts off paperwork. Lots of people use all of this to make fun of him, be like “ah, he’s a bad Jedi, he’s lazy”, but like, that’s standard ADHD time management issues. And fear of the future? Hoo boy... Anakin may handle his fears of the future in the literal worst way possible, but that overwhelming anxiety that everything’s rushing at you so fast and holy shit, you don’t have your shit together NOW, what the hell are you gonna do THEN, holy shit holy shit everyone’s gonna DIE PANIC PANIC DANGER PANIC-- Like, I get that. I really do. Fear of the future and inability to manage time overlap a lot.

Anakin and FORGETFULNESS: ADHD have a tendency to forget important stuff, but here is where I remind y’all that not all ADHD people experience all the same symptoms, because Anakin actually has a really damn good memory. Boy is sharp, he recalls really obscure stuff, and if you piss him off/do him a favor, he’s remembering that to his deathbed. Anakin, however, does display what is common in ADHD people, having a selective memory. This goes hand in hand with our attention issues. We remember what we focused on and that sticks in our mind: hopes, fears, interests, stuff like that. Anything else? Eh, if we didn’t notice it then, we’re not noticing it five years from then, or even five minutes from then. That you can see in Anakin, where people like Ahsoka and Obi Wan have to teasingly remind him of important stuff that he tends to just shrug off like “oh yeah that thing that I didn’t care about then and don’t really care about now”, or he feels guilty cuz “oops I didn’t notice it then so now I’m lost”

Anakin and IMPULSIVITY: Aight y’all, this probably requires the least amount of explanation for Anakin Skywalker cuz the Star Wars narrative calls him impulsive like every ten seconds xD ADHD people with impulsivity can be socially inappropriate (Anakin, always managing to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, king of escalating tense situations because he blurts out whatever he feels like), interrupt others (something Padmé and Ahsoka have both canonically called him on doing, he does it to plenty of others as well, Vader does it all the damn time by just force-choking people silent), rushing through tasks (”Oh Anakin, always on the move”. He does not wait, he makes up plans as he goes, he’s constantly in motion), ACTING WITHOUT MUCH CONSIDERATION TO THE CONSEQUENCES (Examples: The entirety of Star Wars episodes 1-6, Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

Anakin and EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS: Alright, maybe THIS is the one that requires the least amount of explanation, haha. ADHD peoples’ emotions seem constantly in flux. We get bored easily and need constant entertainment. (Anakin running off doing crazy stuff seemingly for fun) Small frustrations always feel like the end of the world because it takes over our entire brain. (Anakin being “overdramatic/overreacting”) The slightest sense of rejection or negativity towards our ideas or anything we do can read as total hatred (this is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it SUCKS) so we’re oversensitive about criticism of basically anything. RSD also means we’re paranoid that we’re not noticing other people’s emotions, so we always tend to worry everyone else hates us or our friends are going to leave us-- we have serious abandonment issues. (Basically all of Anakin worrying about the Jedi’s image of him, worrying about Padmé and Obi Wan loving him, freaking out over Ahsoka leaving, etc.) Our mind is focusing on a million things at once so our emotions run super quickly, causing what looks like mood swings because in the time it takes someone to get surprised, we’ve already gone through surprise, confusion, realization, betrayal, fury, and sadness and are now “randomly” crying in front of you (Anakin and his mood swings). Focus issues make us not realize that something we’re doing is upsetting/bothering someone unless they flat out say it, so we may seem mean/inconsiderate/careless (ok, not excusing that part of Anakin’s personality is that he’s just kind of a dick lol, but other stuff that he does seems accidental; he doesn’t want to hurt anyone he loves).

Anakin and POOR SELF-IMAGE: HOOOO BOY THIS IS GONNA BE FUN! So adults with ADHD are often hypercritical of themselves, which can lead to a poor self-image. I do this a lot, and I can’t really explain why, just that I am frustrated with myself and need validation from outside sources. Anakin verbally expresses this to Padmé and Palpatine in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith especially with all his “I’m not the Jedi I’m supposed to be” bits, how he constantly puts pressure on himself in the novels to be “the very best, I have to be better than everyone, I SHOULD be”, the conflict with that Chosen One label and whether he believes it or not and the pressure he feels from others to fulfill it, to be the Hero With No Fear when he’s fucking terrified all the time. He’s relentlessly hard on himself for his failures and is always looking for an insult in others’ words (Like if Obi Wan gives him gentle concrit, Anakin will subconsciously tear it apart to turn it into how Obi Wan has found an error with all of him and hates him and Anakin sucks). For all his pride in his abilities, Anakin really does not like himself, poor dear, and seeks outside validation in Padmé, Palpatine, and Obi Wan.

Anakin and LACK OF MOTIVATION: Also ties back to focus issues again, if we don’t like it, our brain won’t focus on it, and we can’t convince ourselves to do it. We can see this in times where Anakin has to be gently (or not so gently) prodded by Obi Wan or Ahsoka or someone into doing some Jedi business Anakin considers annoying.

Anakin and RESTLESSNESS AND ANXIETY: It’s described as our “motor won’t shut off”. We always need to keep moving and doing things, and we get frustrated when we can’t do something immediately. There are also bodily tics with fidgeting or frequent hand movements. We see this several times with Anakin during wartime, where he’s practically vibrating over having to play the long waiting game instead of rushing in and getting the job done immediately (See: on Naboo where Anakin is pacing a hole into the floor and Obi Wan is telling him to kindly chill pls). Part of his issues in ROTS happen when he’s worked himself up into a frenzy over sitting not knowing what to do over what’s scaring him so he jumps the gun and goes with the first available (awful) option. I don’t remember if this is Hayden or if this is me projecting, sorry, but I always feel that when I watch Hayden in the movies, he always portrays Anakin as vaguely squirmy/fidgety, not really ever sitting PERFECTLY still, like he’s always moving some body part, fiddling with something in his hands or on his clothes. In TCW and the OT especially, we see how hand-wavey he is when he talks, especially when he’s pissed, then the Finger Wag Of Doom comes out, but his hands are ALWAYS in motion.

Anakin and FATIGUE: It’s as the word describes it, we feel tired. All the craziness in our head is overwhelming and we just. Feel. Tired. We don’t see this as clearly in Anakin because all the Jedi seem fatigued, they’re fighting a fucking hopeless war, but it’s definitely there. He has sleeping problems with his dreams and nightmares that spawn from his anxiety that could easily be ADHD-induced; they’re there.

Anakin and HEALTH PROBLEMS: Long story short, it’s basically all your ADHD issues making you neglect to take care of yourself. We see how Anakin has unhealthy coping mechanisms, neglects sleep, and throws himself into reckless, dangerous situations. He does not take care of himself very well at all.

Anakin and RELATIONSHIP ISSUES: Ruh roh... Aight, so all of the symptoms above can very obviously prove to be hurdles in professional, romantic, or platonic situations. We can see how all the above examples in Anakin have in one way or another caused an argument between himself and basically everyone he loves (Obi Wan, Padmé, Ahsoka), people he has to work with (the Jedi council, anyone he gets assigned to on a mission), and anyone else. He’s not called a human disaster for no reason, his actions can make him rub people very much the wrong way, and being kind of lonely and awkward and with not many friends is unfortunately a common occurrence in the lives of ADHD people (It happened to me, and I would consider myself much more of a pleasant individual than Anakin (no offense, hon), other people who met me just thought I was “strange” and that was that).

WHEW. So yes, all of the above state my reasons why I think Anakin Skywalker has ADHD (as well as anxiety, but that’s another post). Please remember once more that these are MY EXPERIENCES AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH ADHD and that once again, NOT ALL ADHD PEOPLE SHARE THE SAME EXPERIENCES/SYMPTOMS

I will give the two articles I bothered fact-checking with below, the one from Healthline and from ADDitude

If y’all wanna talk more about ADHD!Anakin or any other ADHD Star Wars characters or just neurodivergent Star Wars character headcanons with me, my inbox and DM’s are always open, I love talking about this!!!!!!!!!

#long post #morai musings #one (1) hot mess #star wars #sw stuff #sw meta #adhd #Anakin Skywalker

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littlebabycrybtch · 4 years

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ngl i am. so fucking tired of ugly ass ableists openly and Blatantly hating common disability and mental illness traits, only when they happen to be presented by nt/abled people, and actually thinking theyre being Allies for that. lmfao like. ‘the person im mocking isnt autistic tho theyre just being an awkward introvert that acts weird in public!’ ok so your viewpoint is that you admit looking and acting disabled by itself is hilarious and mock worthy up until finding out theyre actually disabled??? you dont think maybe those traits just need sensitivity and shouldnt be funny or deserving of retaliation to you either way??? that you should unlearn hating these things bc it is still 100% rooted in internalized ableism???

im sorry but ppl nowadays (yes even other nd people) are just excusing being uneducated and disrespectful af, you think you have some magic privilege radar (aka deciding through willful ignorance and dehumanization that everybody you want to be an unfiltered asshole towards Has to be an open target), you conveniently forget how common being undiagnosed is under our medical system, you refuse to grow up and respect things like social anxiety and adhd as valid impairing neurodivergencies in even the most Basic ways, you care more abt your jokes being ruined than the prospect of contributing to oppression, and you literally SEEK OUT opportunities to be cruel abt these vulnerable traits with seemingly abled people bc ohoho frankly, it Does totally make you uncomfortable and annoyed when you see this from nd people, but you get in trouble for not being understanding abt that right. so instead of unworking anything you hold your tongue and then cringe ur pants later over ppl who are supposed to be normal tm for portraying these ~unsavory~ traits at every POSSIBLE chance you can get, and somehow dont put it together that beyond the obvious harmful affect it has on minorities, you’re supposed to be respectful abt these things, Not just when they imply a minority status, but because for the love of god you miscreants theyre just struggles you dont personally understand and it regularly inflicts harm on others when theyre judged. ‘be nice to harmlessly different people’ is quite genuinely the easiest, most kindergarten concept i think any human person could ever comprehend and it is a necessary core moral to activism, or even just basic decency. but everybody fucking ignores it on purpose to stay ugly and comfortable lmaoo

so when you make fun of abled ppl for disabled traits all you’re showcasing is that you actually, absolutely, do hold prejudice towards them, and are Normalizing the hate they receive, which believe it or not, hurts disabled ppl. the distinction doesnt fucking matter. you’re not ‘’’’getting away with’’’ anything, its not ‘’’’okay when theyre nt’’’’ or w/e like just bc you arent oppressing them or smth doesnt mean shit, the problem is that you’re still fucking oppressing us by using 0 critical thought with these dumbass 'how to be a bad person but still get the social benefits of being an activist’ loopholes you all keep tryna popularize and cash in on. im tired of this. its disgusting and backwards. if you dont actually hate my autism then why the fuck do you hate it and laugh so goddamn much when abled ppl Look like me??? how is that supposed to translate to support??? how is it Not supposed to impact my oppression??? tbh lol just get over it you cringe idiots i dont wanna see another stupid ass ‘weird annoying introvert’ joke on my dash yall are just being gross now to validate your bad opinions and you know it

#disability #introvert #ableism #autism #actuallyautistic #asd #activism #mental illness #like its 2020 how can u ppl still find excuses to be garbage and genuinely believe them

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elenajohansenauthor · 6 years

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Fictober, Day 6: “I’ve heard enough, this ends now.”

OCs: Shannon and Noah

Project: Untitled paranormal romance for Fictober18, now tagged #spookyromancenovel on my blog

Potential Triggers: really emotional shouting!

Word Count: 2,432 (um, wow, I had no idea I’d written so much today, it was just flowing out of me)

About: The rest of the scene I started with yesterday’s prompt. The first big fight between my lovebirds, and the first time I get to make it clear what they each value most.

Again, #spookyromancenovel has a WIP page now, where you can find all the Fictober posts if you need to catch up, as well as the novel’s [temporary] blurb, character info, and eventually world-building stuff! I’d really appreciate asks from anyone who’s interested in knowing more.

Eating the pizza seemed to improve his mood, but I bit my lip against giggling when his stomach growled loudly—after he'd finished the slice. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Don't worry about it. Let's get started, so you can get out as soon as the sun's down.”

He surveyed the table. “This looks alarmingly like all the times we crammed for tests together.”

Just like that, a hundred memories competed for space in my head all at once. Being neighbors had led to us being friends, in the way that kids will when they're young and geography is more important than shared interests. Staying friends throughout high school had naturally evolved into study partners. Both sets of our parents approved, which was great—as long as we studied camped out in the living room at his house, at least. Noah's mother was the type convinced that “studying” in private meant something entirely different, and no way was her son going to waste his education kissing girls.

My parents hadn't cared one bit where we studied, because as far as they were concerned, if I couldn't find a nice Vietnamese boy to settled down with, at least Noah was some form of Asian. Half-Japanese was fine with them, so if we wanted to canoodle, that was all good, as long as I didn't “get into trouble.”

The only sex talk I'd ever gotten from my parents was a repeated string of warnings not to get into trouble. I couldn't blame them, though, for my complete lack of a sex life. I was never the type to rebel against authority just because, and I realized early on that dating someone who didn't look like me just to annoy my parents—anyone, white or black or brown—would make me pretty awful. So I tried to have crushes, and I tried not to restrict myself to any one type of guy.

It didn't end up mattering, because I'd had my heart set on Noah since I was six years old. No one else measured up.

But I wasn't supposed to be mooning over him now, while he watched me space out with a faintly curious and concerned expression. Good sign—he wasn't as numb to emotion as he feared. I rallied myself by grabbing the nearest notebook and looking through it with one hand, while picking up a fresh piece of pizza with the other. “So, let's break this problem down to basics, which means even obvious shit is back on the table. What makes you, Noah Hargrove, different from any other human afflicted by the gargoyle curse?”

“Other humans didn't have their heart removed and replaced with a magically driven construct.” He thought for a moment.

I switched to my current Noah-notebook and started a fresh page with “BRAINSTORMING” in giant letters across the blank space at the top. His response became item number one on a list under the heading Noah's Not Normal. “What else makes you different? Literally anything you can think of. Like—a congenital defect of some kind. Asthma. Whatever.”

“You know I don't have asthma. But, uh...I had my appendix out, remember? When I was ten.” He smiled. “I think I still have the get-well card you made me, in a box somewhere. Or, my parents do, I mean.”

Noah's current relationship with them was far too complicated for me to touch, not now, when we needed to focus. “Right. I doubt the lack of appendix is helping you resist the curse, but it goes on the list.”

By the time I'd finished the pizza, we hadn't come up with anything else relating to his body. He'd been a generally healthy kid, aside from an occasional injury or case of the sniffles. And we'd ruled out any neurodivergence, because he thought his mild social anxiety as a teen couldn't possibly have been a factor, not when he'd taken steps to get over it long before the curse hit him.

“It's weird, though,” he added thoughtfully. “In a lot of ways, this, this isolation, like you called it, reminds me of how I felt then, when I could hardly talk to anyone.”

“Except me.” The parallel was obvious, as soon as he mentioned it.

“Except you. Thanks for always being there for me.”

That. That right there was why I'd been in love with Noah as long as I'd known him, even before I'd realized that how I felt had a name. He'd never pretended he was tough, that he didn't feel things. And he never let an opportunity to thank someone pass him by.

I studied the two-item list so I didn't have to keep looking into his eyes. Missing heart, missing appendix. “This is an ancient curse, and ways of thinking always shape magic. It's from a time before people understood that the brain is the organ of reason, intelligence, and personality. So taking out your heart is what's preventing the transformation from completing.”

“I'm glad you didn't try to take out my brain instead.” Completely serious. “But how did you know what to do?”

“Honestly? Best guess. I know I seemed calm, but I was panicking inside. You were dying.” It was easy to admit when I didn't have to see his reaction. “But most curses involve blood, somehow. If not in casting or transmission, at least to spread it through the body. There's a reason blood magic has such an unsavory reputation. Blood is power. It can be used to good purpose, but it lends itself far better to evil.”

“I think the vampires agree with you.” He paused. “Is that why they hate gargoyles so much? I mean, I don't want to be one, but as far as monsters go, they're reasonably benign. They just, I don't know, hang out on top of the Cathedral and fly around at night to find ghouls and dead animals to eat. I've always thought—well, scavengers do have their place in the food chain.”

“Vampires hate gargoyles?” This was news to me.

“Oh, yeah,” Noah said, almost off-handedly. “It's even in the news. That Conclave that got postponed due to bomb threats? You know, in D.C., between the government and the Vampire Embassy? The proposals were posted online, and I read them. It's low on the list of priorities, but the vampires want recognized government assistance in the extermination of gargoyles.”

I remembered the Conclave being announced, but somehow its postponement hadn't been a blip on my radar, and I sure as hell hadn't paid any attention to what the vampires actually wanted. My stunned confusion that Noah had must have shown. He said, “Miss Conquer with Research doesn't pay attention to politics?”

“Mr. Ghoul Hunter on the Run does?”

“Well, if the entire vampire nation would want to hunt me down and kill me, that's worth knowing.”

“Right. Okay.” I thought for a moment. “Did they want to exterminate anyone else? Like werewolves or banshees or something?”

Noah shook his head. “The whole vampire-werewolf thing is mostly fictional, far as I can tell. Werewolves can't be turned, and vampires, being dead and all, don't get infected with lycanthropy. So they're not really a threat to each other. From what I've seen, as long as the vamps respect wolf territory, there's an understanding of mutual non-aggression.”

“Which is basically how the wolves treat everyone. Got it. I never really researched vampires much, aside from confirming that trying to turn you not only wouldn't lift the curse, it also wouldn't work. Which let me sleep better at night, I'll admit—if vampire were made of stone and could fly, it wouldn't take many of them to pretty much wipe out humans. But if I had been paying more attention, I would have heard about the work on the Archives ages ago, not just today.”

Noah made some small noise, and I looked up to find pure fear on his face. “What?”

I gave him the condensed version of what Wes had told me, finishing up with: “So, I thought, I know it's a stretch but if I could figure out some way to get in there, I'd have access to so much. I'm not expecting to spend an hour there and find a cure, I'm not that naive, but anything I can learn could help.”

“No.”

His flat denial of the first ray of hope I'd had in far too long hurt more than I'd care to admit, and when I go on the defensive, I get flustered. “I wouldn't do it if I couldn't find a way that didn't guarantee my safety--”

“No,” he repeated, louder. “Don't try to find the Archives. It's too risky.”

“But Wes--”

“Wes sounds like a magical wunderkind and all, but don't assume you understand what's going on. Vampires aren't benevolent, they don't share for no reason. If Wes has a skill they can use, they'll barter for it, and they won't turn him instead to get it for free because vampirism wipes out magic. But you don't have that defense.”

“I'm a Healer!” I protested. I hated arguing with Noah, and this sounded like it was heading for a real fight, but if he wanted to be a sanctimonious ass about my safety, he deserved it. “What good would it do to make me into a plain-Jane vampire?”

“If they managed to get in and saw you doing research about preventing gargoyle transformation--”

“Why wouldn't they want that?” I interrupted. “If they hate gargoyles so much--”

“That would only stop more humans from becoming them, not do anything about the ones that already exist. And that's not my point. You show them you're a genius, and they'll want you to be their genius. Vampires collect people. They'd want you.” He huffed. “It wouldn't even take that. You're gorgeous, they'd turn you and make you into one of their seductresses.”

“What?” Which part of that hurt worst? That Noah casually called me “gorgeous” in the middle of a fight, or that he thought it was a bad thing which made me a candidate for vampire hooker?

He mistook my question for an actual request for enlightenment. “You know the stereotype, Shannon, pretty Asian girl, slinky dress, the fangs only come out after the guy gets what he wants--”

I stood clumsily, knocking the pizza box off the table and banging my shin painfully in the process. “I've heard enough, this ends now. I don't care if you think you're protecting me, you do not get to talk about me like that, like I'm just some, some thing, and you do not get to tell me I'm too young and pretty and unworldly and stupid not to realize that getting into the Archives would be dangerous.”

Noah stood, towering over me. “I never said--”

I was on a roll, though. I rode the momentum and really let him have it, even though part of me feared going too far. Only I didn't know if that meant saying something I could never take back, or pushing Noah to hurt me. I was so angry I almost didn't care. “You call me a genius in one breath, then act I'm an airhead too stupid to live the next. Oh, sorry, big magical protector, didn't mean to threaten your masculinity by assuming I was allowed to look out for myself. What did you think I was going to do, walk into a vampire den and calmly ask them, please don't bite me, take me to your secret collection of priceless manuscripts instead? If I do this, I will have a plan. One that doesn't involve me becoming either a vampire or a freaking prostitute, by the way!”

He grabbed my shoulders from across the table and drew me in. His hands were huge, strong, and uncomfortably cool, but the pressure was gentle. “Promise me you won't do this.”

“No.” I made the single syllable every bit as hard and cold and definite as the stone he was turning into. “How can you ask me not to pursue something that might save you? And you're not even asking, you're demanding.”

He took several heaving breaths before he spoke. I expected rage—I got sadness. “How can you ask me to stand by while you risk your life? What you've been doing so far, devoting yourself to find a solution, that's already so much of your life you've given up for me, don't think I don't understand that. If you save me, but lose yourself in the process—how could I ever live with the guilt?”

Damn him. Damn him for being right, while also being so, so wrong. I put my hands on his chest and pushed, not because I could break free, but because he would know to let me go. I couldn't win against that argument, but I was too riled to capitulate. I ran to my room instead, like any naive, stupid little girl would do. I slammed the door and locked it behind me.

Five or ten minutes into a really satisfying cry, I heard a tap on my door. “Shannon? Are you okay?”

Dumb question, but Noah had never been great at dealing with me when I cried. He did his best, he tried, but it never got easy for him, and I'd had to forgive a lot of well-meaning bumbling over the years. Being direct usually worked best. “I don't want to talk to you right now,” I told him, loudly enough to be clear through the door.

“Okay. When you are, I'd like to apologize.” Not the first time we'd had this exchange.

“Okay.”

“I'll leave you alone, then.”

I cried myself out in maybe half an hour, then lay listlessly in bed, trying not to think about the things he'd said, and failing. Another tap came on the door. He could break it down if he weren't careful, and we both knew it.

“Sun's down. I just, I wanted to let you know I'm going out. I'll try not to wake you when I come back.”

If I didn't answer, he might think I was asleep already, but I doubt he'd believe it. Too early. And he'd worry. I was still angry, but I didn't take any pleasure in being cruel to him. “Okay. Stay safe.”

“You, too.”

When the front door shut, I started to cry again, even though I didn't really understand why.

#writeblr #fictober18 #original fiction #spookyromancenovel #my writing #DAMN THIS WAS FUN #daily word count

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brightlotusmoon · 7 years

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Sneak Peak: A long moment of Donnie

I think writing Donnie’s perspective on Mikey remains my favorite. With Raph, there is a massive amount of bromance and emotion and sometimes it’s so overwhelming, but with Donnie it never is. Maybe it’s because my autistic brain is both Don and Mike and it’s easy to find their depths together. With Leo, it’s a lot of self-exploration and attempts to relate with his brothers and doubt and guilt, which is heavy when it comes to Mikey, because Leo keeps missing the point of The Killer Cinnamon Roll, which is what frustrates Donnie, who knows Mikey’s skills and capabilities better than anyone. Which is why I’m slightly diverting from canon and making Donnie a lot more mellow, patient, gentle, and soft, because he knows why Mikey. Here’s the second part of the first ‘Earth And Oxygen” section from “Spirit And Oxygen: Across The Universe” which is going to be a long-ass fic that will wind up needing to have chapters. @mysillylittlesoapbox knows what I mean.

Donatello paces his lab, and remembers.

He looks around at the bareness of his space, but he sees how it is beginning to crowd, gratefully. Courtesy of break-ins at clinics, he now has a small clinic himself. There are two medical beds over there in that corner. There are oxygen tanks and cabinets filled with IV components. A computer to monitor vitals. A small, portable defibrillator. Cupboards containing medicines and treatments that can be used on them and their mutated bodies without rejection. And the one thing they don’t have, an EEG, but for now he’ll need to make do with the device for April and Mikey and Rockwell…and the brand new invention that he and Rockwell and Karai painstakingly created out of love for a brother.

Leatherhead and Slash volunteered to find and steal one of those small EEG machines, but when Leo stiffened and Donnie let out a strangled whine, Raph gently convinced them not to.

Rockwell finally explained how some hospitals were using Japanese-made mobile app based portable ultrasound devices, and that there were ways he could procure one. At the time, the turtles had decided they had already gone too far.

And then, Karai suggested using bits of the Dimension X technology scattered in the lab to create the proper silicone chips and build a device from the ground up.

Hours later, Donnie found himself holding a rudimentary portable terahertz scanner able to act as an ultrasound and CT scanner. It was flat like his tablet, as big as his laptop, and needed to be held over the subject, and very much reminded Leo of some of the scanner devices used in “Space Heroes”. So Donnie decided that Leo would be the test subject. Leo was rather excited.

The screen lit up and flashed as Donnie held his new baby up and moved it from Leo’s head to his toes, making him turn around. The three-dimensional images were perfect, and for the first time he could see his brother’s insides all the way down. Leo seemed the picture of health. His subject preened a bit. Raphael just rolled his eyes and muttered “Wonder Boy.”

But it’s now, and Donnie chews his lower lip, and paces the lab, picking up the tablet, rubbing his fingers along its screen. It’s his last hope. April did her best to scan Mikey’s mind, but she encountered only whiteness, and fog, and then a blue darkness too deep and too intense, suffocating, and Mikey’s slow soft pulse was a pressurized physical presence; the only thing she was certain of was the powerful flare of a miniature sun in the vast distance, and Donnie had to take her word for it that their baby brother was, in fact, still there.

Donnie thinks about the times Mikey would smile at him. The cheerful smiles, the cheeky smiles, the adorable smiles, the prankster smiles, the naïve smiles, the confident smiles, the scary smiles. In battle, Mikey never gives up, and the way his teeth will bare makes Donnie think of a wounded apex predator in a corner, turning into a hurricane full of force and fury and lightning and silence and feared awe. Mikey has always used his role of the cute baby brother to his advantage. Not even Master Splinter really understood; Mikey usually flew under the radar. Donnie kept missing that unless Mikey was directly underfoot.

There are no smiles right now. Donnie knows it’s no one’s fault but he really wants to blame himself. He and Mikey had made a promise to stick with each other, all those months ago, because of their neurodivergent brains.

He should have figured out the gang members’ motives. He should have calculated. He should have kept an eye on the largest man, the one with the huge knife and the huge crushing hands, the one who seemed to stalk Mikey’s acrobatics until finding a chance to grab his ankle and and swing him, and strike him, and stab him, and crack him…

“I don’t need to hurt you all. Just the little one.”

Shut up, he tells his memory. He hugs the scanner tablet to his chest and runs from the lab as though the memory of that giant man could find him.

In Mikey’s room, Raph is in a chair someone had brought, his arms folded over his plastron. He’s staring at Mikey’s face as though glaring could force consciousness to happen.

Donnie clears his throat.

Raph moves just his eyes. “Oh, is that the scanner thing?” When Don just stands there, Raph grunts and moves the chair back so Donnie has room.

He sits on the bed and checks the IV lines, checks his brother’s steady vitals. Carefully positioning the tablet directly over Mikey’s head, Don turns on the proper application, and with his other hand he cradles the back of Mikey’s head to turn it this way and that. He watches the screen.

It’s there, he sees it, and his heart plummets and his gut turns cold, and his hands begin to tremble just a little. Raph notices before he gets them under control and shoots forward. “What is it? What’s the matter? What’s wrong with him?”

Donnie remains silent. With a finger he traces the section of the right temporal lobe housing the injury he hoped would not be there; the closed head injury and the bleeding head wound had frightened him enough. Between blood gushing from the baby brother’s left leg and a head gash that looked worse than it was, the family was panicking so hard most of the human gang had been taken down with far more brutal force than necessary. Donnie was the first to noticed the breaks and fractures in the left knee, stained by blood, and wound up setting it himself before the others could notice, scooping Mikey into his own arms and rushing home before the others could really see. All the sutures, all the bandages, and the brace were applied under swift, barking orders, because Donnie didn’t want his family to realize.

His family is going to realize.

Fuck, he thinks. I can’t do this anymore.

Mikey’s smile during battle was powerful, edging toward something extreme and feral, and Donnie felt nervous around it. It was frightening because it showed how Mikey could run toward a precipice no one else could see, not even Raph. It would be too easy for Mikey to dance over an edge rimmed with fire and ice. If Mikey applied that behavior, that scary playfulness, to an enemy, no force in the universe could help them.

Damage to the temporal lobe could cause abrupt changes in behavior, and Mikey already had temporal lobe epilepsy.

Sudden aggression was common, and Mikey was cheery and playful, especially in battle.

Combine it all, and Mikey’s smiles would transform.

Placing the device down, Don begins to unwrap the gauze on Mikey’s head. The wound itself is healing, bruise colors staining the light green skin from the right temple to the cheekbone. Donnie grabs the tube of antibiotic ointment and carefully applies some before the fresh bandages. Checking Mikey’s pupils, he notes they are still dilated. Fuck.

“Donnie,” Raph says. “Donnie, what’s the matter? You were shaking. You only shake when it’s really bad. How bad is it?”

Donnie has almost forgotten he was there. He blinks at his older brother, eyes wide. Raph’s sharp green eyes are also huge, pupils like pinpricks. They have that connection, Donnie remembers.

“It…” Don begins, and Raph grabs the tablet.

“W-” Raph frowns deeply. “Donnie, what…what’s this mean? This…this little spot, right here?” and he is pointing at the spot Donnie had found. “That’s, you know, the tempiral lobe, right?”

“Temporal,” he corrects absently, securing the bandages and moving on to the leg.

“But, there’s already damage there!” Raph’s voice is rising, high and stressed, throat closing. Donnie unwraps and looks over the long, ugly gash, which is slowly showing signs of healing, the stitches holding firm. He doesn’t bother checking the knee, but he does reach for the tablet so it can be scanned. Raph grips it tighter.

“Raph, I need my scanner, please, I need to scan his knee–”

And Raph is making a sound high in his throat, like a whine, his lower lip pushed out. Donnie stares at him.

Oh, he realizes.

“It’s going to be all right, Raph.” He switches to a soothing tone. “I swear. Mikey will be okay.”

And Raph gasps, “I don’t believe you.”

Oh, ouch.

Donatello bites his lip and just holds out his hand.

“I’m sorry, Donnie,” and Raph does sound so sorry, hanging his head and handing over the device.

“It’s okay, Raph, it’s fine,” and Donnie smiles, but Raph looks afraid now.

The scan on Mikey’s leg reveals a patella fracture directly across the left knee cap. The crack is wide, the entire knee area swollen and the joint unable to bend. Just as he figured. The good news is that it will heal with proper care; the bad news is that Mikey will be devastated that he can’t do anything athletic for at least a couple of months.

Then again, it does also depend on what the knife damaged.

The scan there reveals less damage than Donnie thought. The knife went two inches in, piercing the quadriceps tendon. Blood loss was substantial, but no major arteries were hit, and Mikey will easily heal. Donnie exhales, and realizes he is sweating. He shuts his eyes tightly and with both hands he presses down on the leg like he did during the battle, knowing that this time there is no blood flow to staunch.

A hand on the back of his head. When he looks up, Raph is staring at him, and Leo and April and Karai are there, staring at him, staring at Mikey, staring at the tablet, their faces drained of color. Donnie suddenly realizes how this must appear. He leaps off the bed, hands up and out.

“It’s okay, he’s okay, he’s just got temporal lobe damage again and a broken kneecap and he’ll be okay in a couple of months, I’ll take care of it.” “It’s…not okay,” Karai murmurs with a hint of shock.

Leo tilts his head. “Donnie…are you all right?”

“I’m fine, why does everyone keep asking me that? I just want to help Mikey be okay!”

And a hoarse, raspy whisper behind him croaks out, “Thanks, Donnie…”

And he whirls around. Mikey’s eyes are open, clouded and dilated but seeing and focused only on him. He can’t help the whoop of joy as he wraps his arms around his only little brother’s shoulders, burying his face in Mikey’s shoulder. “Hey, B-Team buddy.”

“I th-thought…you…h-hated that…” And Mikey’s voice sounds like tears as his arms weakly wrap around Don’s carapace.

“Nope. Not anymore. Welcome back, Mikey. Missed you.”

It isn’t until Leonardo’s arms wrap around him from behind that Donatello finally gives in to stress and exhaustion. He is carefully helped into the bed right next to Mikey, and he throws an arm across Mikey’s plastron, nuzzling his cheek. “Wake me in like six hours.”

Mikey gives a harsh, raw laugh. “Make it ten, dudes.”

The others are lavishing kisses and hugs on him, and it’s April who turns bright, teary eyes on Donnie, with a relieved smile, and says, “If Mikey can’t get out of bed for at least twelve hours, neither can you.”

Donnie is just too tired at this point to argue. As his eyes begin to close, he sees April take the tablet as if it were a treasure, and then he hears Mikey give a soft churring coo, like the beginning of a lullaby. Mikey is almost purring, nuzzling him, and then Donatello is asleep.

#mikey #donnie #neurodivergent mikey #neurodivergent donnie #tmnt #tmnt2012 #tmnt 2012 #precious #myboys #sweetgeek #sunshinechild #my neurodivergent turtle children #empath mikey #disabled mikey #epileptic mikey #mikey the lifegiver #killer cinnamon roll #b-team

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