#ive had so many people tell me im throwing my life away | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nexfarious · 6 months

Note

hi! i finished binging dq recently and i wanted to share some of my thoughts bc the brainrot it has given me is literally insane like. You dont understand. i didnt want to put this probably gigantic block of text in the ao3 comments so i figured id send it here so you can decide if you want it posted or not!

back to the topic i need to put thief in a blender (said with as much affection as possible btw). theyre soo painfully realistic and have a very unique perspective on the killing game which isnt rlly explored in fanfics so im eating it up! their talent is so cool and i cant wait to see them use it more later on. i also love how despite their paranoia and distrust they are still. Kind. Like they still reached out to ryouma and it literally saved his life!!!!! btw i think not killing him off in ch2 was a really good writing choice bc i think him dying after That scene with thief would just destroy them entirely -but on the topic of ryouma! im very glad you decided to give more spotlight to characters that werent given much of it in canon (or fanon ngl). him and tsumugi are characters that im rlly interested in but the game straight up gave them next to nothing, which i guess is very usual for danganronpa but yknow. Its still disappointing

thief and saiharas relationship makes me want to use both of them as a chew toy bc theyre so. So!!!!! im literally obsessed w them. we are still pretty early in the killing game but so many of their moments are already rotating in my mind At All Times. from the detective/criminal dynamic, to how much they care abt each other (thief obviously having a soft spot for shu despite not trusting people is soooo cute i need them gone). though that one scene in ch19 (i think?) where its said that their situation wld be considered romantic if it thief didnt have a knife at his throat is Life Changing and ive been thinking abt it so much -the contrast is just so good and the scene itself is so sad. also "Maybe this really was truly Shuichi, another side reflected to all of you, gleaming in the light like shards of a prism. Maybe you couldn’t see all of the sides right now, in this moment, but what you could see was so wonderful, spots danced in the back of your eyes." is such a beautifully written paragraph but the fact that thief thought this in the middle of a trial is so hilarious to me but i still support them. sometimes you really need to admire your Friend in a life or death situation to be able to push through. I get it

ok enough of those two. i love how you take the time to explore thief's relationships w other people as well. the break up scene between them and tsumugi had me blankly staring at my screen for good 30 seconds i think. the brief thief/ouma collab was great as well. i already mentioned ryouma but he is so dear to me head in hands.......cant wait for ch3 to physically beat the shit out of me

i have more thoughts but i also think this is too long already so ill stop it here. anyways i love your writing so much and im looking forward to more of dq! take care of yourself and have a nice day/night!

hi umm . this ask destroyed me emotionally, threw me out the window and then stole my lunch money /pos

this is genuinely so so lovely to read, i can’t believe you would take the time out of your day to come and tell me what you think of my fic,,, that’s so sweet <3

thief is my little freak whom i need to microwave at the highest temperatures. i think a lot of people should be more selfish in the killing game tbh, there’s a lot of characters who are ready to throw away everything for each other, i mean even a lot of the killers have selfless motives (kirumi, kaede) which is totally fine but!!! where my selfish bitches at where are the guys who just want to survive. despite all their paranoia though, they are a good person at heart which is something i’ve always found compelling in writing them.

WHY DIDN’T RYOMA LIVE IN CANON!!! you’re telling me a major theme of the game is overcoming yourself and pushing through despite hopelessness and then you just . kill off the other guy who’s canonically suicidal? it kinda left a bad taste in my mouth tbh. “oh you have nothing left to live for? die” i love ryoma i love mugi (obviously) and they deserve better than what the game gave them

they haven’t had much time for each other because we’re not even halfway through the game but UGH thiefhara means so much to me . thief wants to keep everyone at arm’s length but is actually way too soft to go through with it because there’s a detective with pretty eyes (which is so real btw) . i cant tell you anything about the plot but let it be known that chapter three is gonna have quite a few important moments in their relationship!!!

tbh the knife scene was something i just came up with as i was writing and thought “yeah okay that would be funny” and now people seem to love it,,, good thing i love it too

thief’s friends are so incredibly important to me btw . tsumugi who just wanted to be their friend but was rejected and has turned to angie and tenko, ryoma who still doesn’t have a reason to keep going but wants to try because there is someone who cares enough to reach out, kokichi (derogatory/with love), kaede who betrayed them in thief’s mind and still haunts them - someone who broke their trust after they went out on a line for someone, kaito whom i need thief to spend more time with because honestly he deserves more scenes

i hope chapter three slam dunks you into another dimension anon (said with so much sincerity and love), we got major canon divergence incoming ^-^

ANYWAY !!! don’t ever apologise for sending me your thoughts it’s actively encouraged and motivates me to write!! if you ever have anything more to say you are more than welcome to leave a comment or another ask i promise it makes me giggle and do a little spin in my chair of evil . hope you’re doing well too anon

#💌;#dq posting

3 notes · View notes

motleyfam · 1 year

Text

I posted 2,267 times in 2022

36 posts created (2%)

2,231 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@desperatecheesecubes

@mooitstimdrake

@batshit-birds

@sohotthateveryonedied

@sun-moon-stars-jedi

I tagged 454 of my posts in 2022

#the batman - 25 posts

#fave - 18 posts

#batfam - 9 posts

#atla - 9 posts

#bruce wayne - 8 posts

#dick grayson - 7 posts

#damian wayne - 6 posts

#this sparks joy - 6 posts

#amen - 6 posts

#tim drake - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#thinking of that ‘superman wrecking a whole ass train to save a child on the tracks who he could have just swooped away from danger’ post

My Top Posts in 2022:

hey! so its 4am and ive just finished my, um... fifth(?) reread of world's saddest breakfast club and like! aaahhhh!!!

do u got abything to tell us abt this story? like sbt the writing proccess or things u thought that did not make it in or hc or anything really. i dont have a question exactly, just wanted to hear you talk about it. im a bit. well. obssesed.

Oooh cool question! I definitely do!

World's Saddest Breakfast Club: Fun Facts

The opening line is a result of me angsting to @batmoniker about how I couldn't figure out how to start my fic, and her jokingly being like "I got you, bro. Ready? 'It was a dark and stormy night'" and then me just being stubborn and committing to the bit.

The story started with a vague idea of "everyone in the kitchen at 3am for different reasons and Jason channeling his inner short order cook." All I knew going in was the order I wanted people to appear, what was wrong with them (sick, hurt, insomnia, etc) and what food Jason would be making for them. Everything else I made up as I went.

If I could go back and change one thing about this fic, I'd reduce how long Jason was kidnapped to like, 6-8 days, max. 16 days seemed funny when I wrote it, but in hindsight, I feel like he'd be a little more fucked up in the story if he were really escaping from that many days of captivity lmao

I headcanon Dick as the kind of person who straight-up forgets to eat when he's preoccupied, and Jason as the kind of person who cannot FATHOM this concept. Jason absolutely will miss a meal if the situation calls for it, don't get me wrong, but he's aware the entire time he's doing it and it makes him super antsy. (This once turned into A Thing™ when Jason was like, 13 years old and staying with Dick for the weekend for some brotherly bonding and Dick forgot about lunch and by 5pm, Jason maybe sorta kinda had a minor panic attack about it. Dick was a lot more mindful of that moving forward)

Bruce's favorite food being lobster thermidor is a reference to the Lego Batman movie

I wrote this whole fic with Julia Child's recipe pulled up in one tab and my google doc in the other

At some point I realized that since I started with fresh lobsters, I was going to have to write Jason killing them, and it derailed me so hard that the fic nearly became about meatloaf instead. (Never mind the fact that Jason canonically kills human beings — that's totally fine. I just draw the line at him killing lobsters 😰)

(in the end I just kinda glossed over it and made sure they were already cooked before Damian appeared so I wouldn't have to address it 😬)

Dick's reoccurring shoulder injury is a reference to the DCAU where I swear that man has dislocated his shoulder/injured his arm at least 4x

The line about Tim being allergic/throwing up when he eats eggs was inspired by a line in chap 11 of @goldkirk's fic Hymn, which I've reread about 37x

Jason is correct— grits are fucking delicious and definitely not baby food.

My favorite line is "Okay there’s self-sacrificial bullshit, and then there’s whatever the fresh hell that is."

The idea for Cass being a big meat-eater comes from a comic panel where Steph offers her a plate of rice and beans and Cass says needs meat and starts mischievously eying Steph's hamster. Can't find the panel to save my life, but I promise it's out there.

EDIT: finally found it!

Steph's nickname of "Zombie Boy" for Jason is borrowed from @audreycritter's Cor Et Cerebrum series (which is a fucking masterpiece, btw)

This fic was gonna be called "Creatures of the Night" until batmoniker said Steph's line made for a better title

Several people have asked me whether Jason was really cooking Bruce's lobster to spite him, or if he was actually intending to make it for him all along. The answer is... both? Like Jason's kind of an unreliable narrator in that he's trying to convince himself that he's just doing what he's doing to be a little shithead when deep down it's all stemming from his need to take care of his family, you know? Like he'll never admit it, but that's where his heart is at.

To everyone who's asked for a part 2 where the family finds out Jason was kidnapped, I'm gonna be honest: the main reason I don't think I'm ever going to write that scene is because I can't come up with a good enough joke for him to make to accidentally out himself ☠️

90 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

Imagine Bruce starting therapy and learning about all these cool new tricks and gadgets that can help with emotional regulation and getting super invested (because I mean, c’mon, the dude’s like the king of gadget hoarding, he’s got a utility belt for goodness sake)

Then imagine the learning curve of him realizing that just because something works great for one of his kids, doesn’t mean it works for all of them, as illustrated by this memorable incident:

Jason gets really upset and starts having a minor panic attack about something

Bruce, proud owner of 14 new weighted blankets (in various styles, weights, and sizes), tries to wrap his adult son up in one to ground him

After all, Bruce himself finds them super comforting because it’s basically a socially acceptable alternative to wearing a massive Kevlar cape 24/7 like he’d do if he could

(Tim loves them too, so like, kid tested, parent approved™️)

Ends up totally backfiring when the added weight & restricted movement sends Jason into a full-blown flashback of digging out of his own grave, taking this panic attack from like a 4 to a 10

Whoops

130 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

Sometimes I get really hung up on trying to make all the logistics and time frame work out in my fanfics

Then I see how the professionals handle this dilemma:

211 notes - Posted March 12, 2022

I have a headcanon that Dick doesn’t actually like cereal nearly as much as he pretends to.

He just knew that Bruce felt bad about his own cooking ineptitude in the early days after taking his new ward in, so whenever Alfred had the night off, the 9-year-old insisted cereal was his ‘favorite food on the planet’ because it was something that Bruce could actually handle preparing for him without setting off the smoke alarms and it made him happy to do it

372 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Tim hardly ever wears seatbelts.

It’s not a conscious choice at this point really, he just never got into the habit. When he outgrew his last car seat at age five, his parents didn’t bother getting him a booster and just let him sit in the normal seat, so the belt always felt like it was cutting into his neck and he hated it. He put up a big fuss about it once on the way to some important event, and his parents just huffed, “Fine, don’t wear it then. Fly out the window for all I care” and that was that. They never forced him again.

He just so rarely has to wear one that it slips his mind. Buses don’t have seatbelts. Motorcycles don’t have seatbelts. The Batmobile has them, but they’re rarely used due to the necessity for split-second drop ins and getaways.

It’s not until he’s 17 and driving with Jason somewhere that he finally gets called out on it. Not only called out, but told in a no nonsense sort of way “This car ain’t moving till I hear a fucking click. What, did they stop showing ‘Red Asphalt’ in drivers ed while I was dead??”

(They do still show it. Tim just slept through that class)

557 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Okay apparently I need to work on my tagging skills lmao

8 notes · View notes

butch-bakugo · 1 year

Text

Thats it, im talking about the perisexist aka intersexphobic side of terfs that needs to be addressed more often.

Like terfs fucking hate drag and call anyone, trans or cis, male or female, participating in it "sexual perverts" for wanting to expose children to it but claim you'll die a thousand deaths for gnc women? Bs. Drag is just gender nonconformity on fuckin steroids and it's not inherently sexual. Like why is a woman in a suit only ok to you if she walks around stateing that she is a woman but not ok if she dosent? Like yall are so trigger happy, you shoot at cis butch lesbians with short blue hair who arent actively talking about womanhood and vaginas and accuse her of being an evil tranny whose either a traitor to her fellow woman or a "tim" trying to identify as woman and making a mockery of gnc women.

Yall are so caught up on fuckin genitalia that you dont see the numerous poc cultures, non-christian religions, gnc people and intersex people you drown in your wake who were never aginest feminism but are too "trans-similar" for you to chill tf out. Ive had people tell me im "obviously a non-passing trans woman" just because im intersex with a beard.

Every single time ive addressed intersex people who can not, no matter how much you try, be sorted into male or female, ive been told we dont matter. Intersex people DO MATTER. Your not helping anyone but perisex, hormonally stable cis white women. Hormonally intersex afabs arnt gonna fucking want you, your telling them they dont matter. Physically intersex people raised as women arnt gonna want you, your telling them they dont fucking matter. Hyperandrogonious cis women dont want shit to do with you because your already accusing her of "clearly being a trans woman" because she can naturally grow a beard. The only femininity and women who benefit from terf shit are cis white gc perisex women.

Im not gonna throw away my native culture's gender variance for some white terf just because most white cultures are patriarchal. Im not gonna throw out my genderfluid religious practices for some catholic raised "anti-theist" terf who is one sentence away from saying islamophobic and anti-Semitic slurs just because she believes all muslims and jewish people are sexist and follow the sexist portions of their holy text.

I mean fuck, ive seen terfs advocate for hormonally intersex women to TAKE ESTROGEN so they look less "male" and act less "male". Ive seen them advocate for intersex (mostly afab) babies with intersex genitalia to go through Fgm, a thing they VEHEMENTLY hate just so shes more "female" and can fit their boxes better. Ive seen them say that testosterone makes you inherently violent and angry without dareing to see the actual fucking medical evidence that thats entirely untrue. Ive seen them adovocate for putting 10 year old sons of female rape victims out of shelters because "hes a man at that point" and "other women's safety comes first".... Over a hypothetical and soon to be hypothermic 10 year old boy. Some of them fully and shamelessly base their ideology around genuinely killing all men and male fetuses like... Fuck dude. I think you might need some therapy. Like i get feeling that way, im a victim of many men in my life and if i could choose a world where i can only interact with everyone but cis men, id choose it but im not advocating for the complete genocide of an entire group of people.

The way they talk about trans people smells all to familiar to any group thats gone through genocide and governmental oppression. Its similar to gay people, disabled people, women, poc, non-christians, everyone can see abit of the bigotry in their argument they see in their own oppressors and that should be a real big flashing sign that maybe terfism... Isnt the way to go. When i explain to people that radical feminism can be trans inclusive and its simply and active and deeper form of feminism, i get laughed at by both sides but its true. Tirfs do exist and they include trans and intersex and nonbinary people of all kinds and yes, that includes amabs and many progressives today would fall under that label. But heres the thing, modern day and previous forms of feminism in america have always benefited white cishet women. Susan b fucking anthony supported slavery and did not advocate for black women to be able to vote. Anti-gender variance ignores many poc cultures rich and accepting histories of transgenderism, nonbinarism and intersexuality. So many "pinnicles of feminism" that terfs hold up were racist or homophobic or anti-Semitic. Trans, nonbinary and intersex people are just white cis feminism's shiny new chew toy and they will get bored and pick a new target maybe 10 years from now. Probably disabled people.

I understand the anger many terfs carry but sympathy isnt needed here. Many of them actively ignore actual fact and relative understanding towards anything that questions their veiws and they are HAPPY to uplift racists and anti-semites and homophobes(See jk rowling) as long as their anti-trans messages are still singing. Someone who partners with the enemy to hurt others despite the enemy also supporting the things they supposedly advocate againest has no loyalty or shame. They are happy as long as they have a platform. Terfs would go on fox fucking news watching tucker carlson chuckle under his breath at their feminism and "pro-same sex attraction" ideology as long as they get that soundbite of a feminist not supporting trans pple to make all feminists, trans people and gay pple look fucking stupid.

Jk rowling isnt your fucking friend. Shes a mirror held up to YOUR community. One ive heard echos of sedmients made from outside it being ignored. Your litterally femcels. Ive seen terfs get upset at the ableism and racism within their own community thats upheld by white neurotypical women get utterly ignored. I have so many screenshots of white terfs saying the n word its not even funny yet when a tranny like me shows you evidence of the underlying racism in anti-trans/nonbinary rhetoric, you claim that theirs poc terfs. Ive seen white terfs call me a teepee n****r because i said native american people respected all genders and werent inherently patriarchal. Ive seen white terfs advocate for full on ETHNIC FUCKING CLEANSING of certain poc cultures because they had some patriarchal portions. BRUH. If your scrambling to find some crumb in your community to excuse its actions and cover up the evil everyone already pointed out, you should do some introspection into what your supporting.

Terfs dont even see the humanity in trans people or intersex people. Quoting a jewish youtuber talking about oppression he faced after trump endorsed the nazis in south carolina and said that jewish people and nazis should come to a compromise "when one side will never be happy unless their opposition is completely erraticated, there is no compromise. They simply wont stop until they are all dead or 'rehabilitated'. There is no conversation, there is only the eradication of the victims or the offending group.". Terfs are advocating for trans genocide and detranstion of those who remain. They shrink our numbers to deny us humanity and when they arnt celebrating the high trans suicide statistic, they are minimising it. They are no different from holocaust deniers, they just dont have as much support and the more of their own stances they are willing to let go of to take advantage of their shared opinions with alt-right and fascist platforms, the more their feminist and gay rights mask slip off to reveal the racist, antisemitic and hate filled rot underneath.

#levi speaks

6 notes · View notes

fratboykate · 11 months

Note

None of my friends are watching The Ultimatum because apparently I'm the only good gay in my friend group so please give me all your thoughts. I want all of them.

i just finished watching the last two and when i tell you i have NEVER IN MY FUCKING LIFE been more vindicated by a reunion episode. i mean it. i watched the proposal episode and with the exception of ONE couple (we all know who...i hope we all know who. i hope we're all smart enough to know who!) i was progressively more outraged by all those decisions. you can tell im trying to be as least spoilery as possible because y'all need to go watch this mess for yourselves but jesus fucking christ. none of those people should've been together to begin with much less for however many years they have been together.

im 97.2% certain one of them is a full blown psycopath (i also hope we all know who it is) and aussie...oh my god aussie. throw the whole person away and start over. that's a ten-year-old child with zero communication skills in the body of a forty-two-year old. literally infuriating. they need at least five years of therapy twice a week before they get a waiver to date anyone.

this show is proof that all the conversations ive had this year about how everyone these days seems so fucking scared to move on from relationships that are NOT working and they're clinging to that shit for dear life out of convenience/habit when it's fucking clear as fucking day that they would at the very least be better off alone are accurate. ive had the same conversation at least a dozen times in the past few months. literally was having it with my therapist like two weeks ago and she was like "the majority of my friends and half of my clients are in one of those". y'all...LET SHIT GO. i don't care if you've been in it for two years or twenty years. if it's not actively making you better cut that chord. walk away. i promise you it feels better than being stuck lol. coasting is not where it's at. you deserve 110% every day.

#and im speaking from experience #ive never felt more free than since i filed for divorce in october #i was watching these people and screaming at my computer half the time #BREAK UP JUST BREAK UP OH MY GOD BREAK UP #A MESS #but an entertaining mess at least #tuql #anonymous #answers

1 note · View note

purpleyoonn · 2 years

Note

so i have been stuck on level 105 on in the seom for three days now 💀💀 i feel stupid af 🤡

i’m glad your computer got fixed!! i literally have not done anything remotely productive for about a week now,, 🫠🫠 i have no idea where my motivation went but it flew away somewhere. i think the heat has drained the life out of me, so i try my hardest to stay inside 😅

but today i did go to target and my mom got mad at me cause i didn’t tell the cashier that the coffee rung up wrong like it was supposed to be on sale but it wasn’t 💀 and like i don’t ask people for help when looking for things so why would i tell her it runf up wrong?? my social anxiety bearing ass would probably start crying trying to explain it. like sometimes i am good and i can talk to strangers (so i compliment them 😊) but there are days where when i go out i feel like throwing up because i don’t want anyone to talk to me. and i know i’m not the only one so idk why my mom gets mad at me.

ugh sorry for ranting to you., i just needed to let it out.and tbh it hurt cause my mom usually understands,,, but she would tell them the problem and i couldn’t today.

Anyway i hope you had a great day!!! and i hope you have a great night!! 💞💞💞 -✍🏻

im on level 323 now and omg im like scared. ive been trying to pass 323 for like a day now and I just keep running out of lives😭 the 300's are fucking hard and I am dreading the 400's.

I completely understand! We are in the middle of a major heat wave and its currently 103 where I live. I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing.

Target is one of my favorite places tbh. maybe its because i used to work there but I love going there. I however, can never like speak for myself...like I can ask for things of others but if I need something,, I will stay silent. I don't know what it it but I will absolutely have zero anxiety when other people are involved. My mom would also get mad at me when I couldn't stand up for myself with things like that. this was before my autism diagnosis but still, like ive never been able to do things like that. never feel weird or sorry for ranting. im honored that you believe that my page (and consequently me) a safe enough space to do so.

I am doing okay! I am currently in the middle of writing ch 10 of petrichor and trying to plan things out for abmol. I kind of lost inspiration for abmol which I hate because I had so many plans for it. So im hoping that just free writing a bit will help.

#purpleyoonn #purpleyoonn ask #purpleyoonn update #✍🏻 anon

7 notes · View notes

darkstarbureau · 7 months

Text

i had a thougjt i think (im mad again)

umm tw for educational abuse lmao. uuhhm.

hey man im kinda getting tired of being told "oh nobodys excited for school youre not alone" the start of every new fucking school year since 7th grade. do you know what she did. do you know how much that school absolutely destroyed me as a person. do you know how many stupid cunts on all of the goddamn campuses ive ever attended saw me as nothing more than a helpless little toddler. do you know how when i try to fight back they treat me like im going overboard or it "doesnt sound like me." god forbid im sick of being thrown around like a fucking hacky sack. god forbid i want to be alone without the same two fucks condescendingly telling me "hii [deadname]!!!!" maybe you should kys. maybe you should stop thinking i dont know your tricks by now. when for more than 10 years of my life people take advantage of how differently things work for me and how i perceive what other people say, its kinda hard to expect me to keep being gullible.

for the last fucking time. im not a "little girl," im three fucking years away from being a grownass adult. loosen your britches, chap. slow your roll, pal. just as much as youre going to be some alpha male or some bullshit im going to be a GROWN-UP !! so you better RUN FOR THE HILLS when i throw a stick that kinda looks like a fish at you. for the last goddamn time before i chuck you motherfuckers into a volcano, i would rather be taken seriously and treated like what i say actually has meaning. because it does. thank you

to the people on this platform who have common sense: hi thanks for Not Being an Ass :3

#gallerian rants #actually autistic #actually disabled

0 notes

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 8 months

Note

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #maverick

1 note · View note

herecomesmary · 11 months

Text

I wrote this when I was seventeen.

One of my favorite paintings is called Fallen Angel, by Alexandre Cabanel. He was a french artist from the academicist movement and painted this piece in 1823. It shocked the public the first time it was exposed. That was cause it was, in fact, the fist time someone represented, in this particular way, the Devil. I find it curious, the shock, considering the devils probably one of the most registered figure in history. But everything about this painting is different from any other representation the Devil had before, at least that im awere of, and the people that first saw the work too, probably, if we consider their reactions. The key's that the Fallen Angel's the picture of an actual angel. The classic figure the church and the bible describe, the beautiful and perfect figure that we imagine and associate with the human countenance in some ways. And thats the controversial thing about the piece. Also why, sometimes, when im alone and I think about it specifically.

According to the bible Lucifer was the most gorgeous and perfect angel, the favorite son of the one that supposedly is the father of e everything. He defys his controller father that, outraged by his bravery to simply ask a question, throws away his most beloved child without secound thoughts. "What kind of love is that?" was the first thing I thought when came across that image. And Lucifer falls down from heaven. I imagine a long and fast fall. And right after he hits the ground. Trys to stand but can't do it properly so he sits. Thats the moment Cabanel painted. The story tells that everything happened that way. The bible says it. Simultaneously, historicaly the most common imagetic representations of the Devil, the fallen angel, the one with many names, are grotesc. A monstrous figure with horns, surrounded by fire and blood. Suffering and making every pagain soul suffer as well, for eternity. It took a long time for me to realize that was the same character that, at the beginning of the story, was the most flawless and loved angel. The contrast was huge. So here we have two very specific and crucial moments: the first when Lucifers the most pure creature and the secound one when he became the opposite.

I became aware of the Devils story when i asked my father about it, age six or seven. We aint religious, so i was already a child capable of comprehend a certain level of complex information when questioned him about the subject. He told me what the book said happened. And i asked how a father can kick out their son from home like that. I dont remember what he answered. The arise of the Devil, as a story, got stuck with me since then. Also, my many interpretations of it. In my head there was a gap between the perfect angel figure and the horrible creature with horns, a missing link between both that could explain this transition, from one image to another. Like the missing link on human evolution.

When i first came across Cabanels work i paralized. It was like finding this entry in a dictionary that you've been looking for so long. There it was. My answer. The moment i thought about in this story that everyone seemed to ignore and i couldnt. And he was beautiful. Perfect. The very first secound i noticed his eyes were one of the most intense experiences ive ever had in my life. Like having your first kiss when you're young. The waterlines blush red. The single tear. His brows flexed. The single tear. If you look for art criticism or analyzes you'll find out that the classic interpretention to his expression remits to anger. Once i saw something mentioning the feeling of the beginning of a revenge odyssey. When i stared at his eyes for the fist time, i felt resentment, loneliness and hurt. Like when you have a broken heart. The most unespected one. That came from the love you thought was unconditional.

And i know i interpreted that way cause i recognized that. I found that expression so familiar i could feel the heat coming up to my chest, and my cheeks burn. And it was sublime and scary to connect with a work with this intensity, all at the same time. Like being dragged by a violent wave but in warm water and let yourself sink in for a bit. Those eyes explained everything. And i could think about myself doing the same gaze, the times i had this reaction. With a single tear, too, cause i never cry in front of other that i dont know well. This paint was the physical register of one of my most familiar feelings and now i had no choice but embrace it.

Lucifers eyes became mine. At that moment. And through them i could enter the rest of the image the made my internal self tremble and the borders of my body stay still. I was turning into him and he was turning into myself at the same time. I wanted to hold him and be hold. Slowly the heat that hit my chest started to cold down as i noticed the body of the angel in front of my sight. The flawless anatomy, though obviously i didnt missed, wasnt what definitely caught my attention. I became completely absorbed by his skin. And the reason wasnt the smooth texture, neither the pale tone. It was the temperature. If you recall basic color theory you can assure that it have everything to do with temperature and, of course, thats true. But the freezing sensation i had looking at his skin was like watching someone diving under the ice. And I was afraid he could die from being so cold and with him, as we were havind this symbiotic moment, i would die too.

In the middle of this fear, loosing warm and felling the tips of my fingers getting colder, i felt his feathers. Through my gaze i could feel the silky body structure that shines, in such a unique way. You have to lean on a bit to the front to see but each feather of Lucifers wings is different. They have singular tones acordding to the position they're placed. As the light hits they turn different colors, like the kaleidoscopes i used to make when i was a child and already unconformed about reality. And you can feel like thats the only thing preventing him from being completely exposed and vulnerable. Like i already was at this point and couldnt protect myself anymore. There wasnt a single apparatus that could cover my fragility. And i was even more aware of that when the other angels in the sky started to bother me deeply.

When you manage to take your eyes out of Lucifer and look up a bit you can see the other angels. Flying. I cant count how many of them are there, though, only three actually seem to be looking down at their brother, fallen down, renegaded by their father. With expressions resembleing pity, sadness, a iner fear of the father, thinking about the possibility of anything similar happening to them, obedience, conformity, but never compassion. The others have turned their back to him, like its not their concern, and even seem to play cheerfully while flying in the blue sky, unaware of Lucifers state. As trying to hide or establish self preservation, he puts his arms in front of his face, both hands together. All muscles tense, like his expression. Strength to handle being looked at and at the same time not being trully seen. As i havent being trully heard.

I thought i could understand so completely that pack full of uncontrollable feelings at this point, i was almost fully absorbed by the piece. Cause even when i was inside his heart, cause he wears it on his sleeve and you can access it so easily if you're willing to, i still felt a veil that didnt allowed me to see everything, also so familiar this veil was. Like when somethings happening in my head and, at the same time, i let it escape through my face but keep the deepest stuff in the most dark places of my soul so no one can find it till i show them. It was the same thing, for me.

I wonder if, one day, ill find someone that can see the same things I see on Cabanel's Fallen Angel, so I know im not completely lost projecting myself on his shadow.

#border diaries

1 note · View note

mexicanscorpion · 2 years

Text

Return to Neverland

As the Winchester boys held my hand to get through this journey

Tears escaped me.

My little kidney beans.

Balls as Bobby Singer would say.

My nerves are shooting into the sky like rockets

My heart beats as fast as drums.

This is the longest wait I've ever had to do so far.

The nurce comes in and takes me away.

My scorpion pal reassures me that it's going to be okay.

It's all blurry and I really wish I had 20/20 vision.

My heart has become speedy Gonzalez by now.

I feel like throwing up.

They take me upstairs and so many people come in and out asking me the same questions.

Christian the new nurse comes in. He says "Think happy thoughts. The happiest thoughts "

For the love of God.

The only thing I can think starts coming out

"The second star to the right

Shines in the night for you

To tell you that the dreams you plan

Really can come true

The second star to the right

Shines with a light so rare

And if it's Never Land you need

It's light will lead you there

Twinkle, twinkle little star

So we'll know where you are

Gleaming in the skies above

Lead us to the land we dream of

And when our journey is through

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right"

The staff tries to calm me down and I all I can do is just think of the song and somehow gasp for air.

They give me medicine on the IV and it burns my left arm.

It's cold.

They strap me on the stomach

As well as my hands.

Christian says "You will be okay. Think of happy thoughts"

He puts the mask you see in movies.

***

Im walking up and my nose burns. It's the oxygen tube. My legs hurt and my bottom abdomen hurts. It's the cramps. It feels like a cat scratched me from the inside.

My hands move down my abdomen and my tears escape me.

The river running down my cheeks wont stop.

This tall man approaching asks me

"Can I get you anything?"

-"Are they gone?"

I took the deepest breath I could and and even the lord heard my despair. I could feel my soul cry and I could feel my heart stoping

"I'm so sorry. Yes. Everything will be alright.You are in the recovery room. I will get you some tissues. "

He walked back with a box of tissues and put them on top of my belly. He opened them and placed his warm hand on my shoulder.

"Are you in pain miss?"

I nodded at him. It's like I couldn't speak anymore. He nodded back at me.

When he came back he put something in my IV. I felt cold and hurt. But nothing hurt as much as everything else.

He placed his hand on my shoulder again. He looked at me and he asked me.

"Can I get you anything else ? A warm blanket perhaps?"

I still couldn't speak. I nodded at him again.

He walked back in and placed the blanket on me. I gathered as much strength as I could and said

"Thank you. What's your name?"

"You are welcome miss. My name is Peter. Please let me know if I can get you anything else."

As he walked away all I can think of what so how all I was thinking about before surgery was Peter Pan.

Here I was having Peter be my nurse.

I'm not sure how long I was there. I just laid there for a long time.

This old man. This old Portuguese man came on the other side. He was confused and no one understood him. He kept trying to take his gown off. He kept asking Peter for his pajamas.

Once they got the old man to stay on the bed. Peter came back to see me. He checked my vitals.

"I laughed and said I'm sorry about our Portuguese friend. "

"He laughed and said yeah he doesn't want to keep his robe on! You speak Portuguese?"

"I do not. I lived with a crazy man and his family for 6 years and all I remember how to say is 'estoi quiata com mihha vida ' Which means. I'm disgusted with my life."

"Oh no! Why do you remember that? ".

"well you see the old grandma that used to visit. She was disgusted with her life and all she used to say was that. She would walk around saying it all the time".

"Oh my god! This old people crack me up sometimes. Do you know any other languages?".

"Well I speak Spanish too. And I took French for two years but all I know how to says is "Cest la vie " which means such is life and I didn't even learn it in school. It's funny how life works. "

"Oh that's wonderful! I know that one I speak French ! I visited Paris last year. It was lovely have you ever been?"

"I haven't but it's definitely on my dream places. "

"You should definitely go. I think you will love it. I'm going to start getting ready to transfer you okay? "

"Yes okay. Thank you Peter"

"Not a problem. Have you visited any places?"

"I have recently been to Hawaii. It's beautiful. Have you been?"

He starts rolling me out of the place and as he pushes me on the bed down the hallway. He keeps talking to me. We talk more about our travels. He wishes me good luck. And he helps me get on the chair. He introduced me to Maria and Yenzi. They will take care of me now.

Peter places his warm hand on mine again and bows down to look at me.

"It was a pleasure miss. Good luck and don't forget to keep traveling ".

"Thank you Peter. "

He walked away. And Maria and Yenzi got me ready to get going home.

Now maybe it was coincidence or pure luck. I'm not sure.

But I'm glad that Peter was my nurce when I woke up. So Peter. Thank you.

I know one day I will see my sweet angels 👼�� 👼🏼 with their big brother or sister 👼🏼. I know my grandma is there taking care of them.

So until then,

Each time we say "Goodnight"

We'll thank the little star that shines

The second from the right". ✨ 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼💕 mommy and daddy love you. We will be okay. You will see.

1:12pmMay 5th 2022

#miscarrige #my life #mental health #depression #poetry #mexican scorpion 🦂#peter pan #missed miscarriage #my twins #my babies #I was pregnant

0 notes

vvipedout · 2 years

Text

5/5/22

hey tumblr its allie i never made friends or got personal on here but i have like 500 followers so who even uses this anymore wazzup i just had to go through hell to get my account back but i really want to start writing on here because journaling is cool and all but 1. isnt it so ominous and cool that someone random can be reading all of my thoughts? like slay and 2. writing is literally so tiring and boring to me and my brain works way too fucking fast for me to be able to remember what i want to say when im writing. okay so anyways i dont really care about giving yall context of everything thats going on in my life right now because literally if you know you know and if not then youll figure it out unless i abandon this project like i almost abandon everything else i start lmfao i am mentally ill. my L key is like fucked up i think weed crumbs be getting under my keys.

anyways heres whats up. life is good but its weird. i lost so many people i thought were truly close to me and understood me in the past year so i feel a mix of like cherishing and yearning to be closer to the friends that i am lucky to still have and do understand me yet also being like fuck everyone because people are weird and always end up disappointing me. i lost my only real best friend in my teen/adult life over the dumbest fucking shit but they just changed. i dont know that person anymore. the things that were revealed to me in our “friendship breakup” were really telling because they never tried to talk to me. they could never face me and its just disappointing, because this whole time i was the one who saw something in them that they never even saw in the first place. it was probably my fault for being the type of person i am. i cant explain it, i really am just like a big spider and everyone who comes into my life gets entangled into my web. i probably put too much of my life and my burden onto them. but whats done is done, i dont miss them at all. i’m more so disappointed that they could throw away our entire relationship and everything we have ever been through together - for reasons still unknown to me. ive moved on. i love the friends i do have. im so lucky to have gotten closer to someone who has become such an important person in my life. we basically see eachother every day atp but its such a calming presence and always a highlight of my day. they’ve brought out a creative side of me through the past 6 months we’ve gotten closer and i love who i am because of that. i think its really funny that i am so easily inspired by people who i think are cool, i just think .0002% of people are actually cool. theyre so cool to me

my love life is completely dry. sahara desert. im still practically in love with someone who literally could give less of a shit about me and it fees like im trapped. they abandoned me but my brain cant let it go like its almost been a year and it still doesnt even feel real. i be really having delusions sometimes and its scary to me. i cant stop checking their social media and every time i do i just get so mad but i still keep doing it. they literally blocked me on everything. i sound like such a fucking stalker but it also feels like this is what they wanted by doing what they did to me. if you only knew what they said to me to make me feel this way - like you could love me with a burning passion one day and twelve hours later be ice fucking cold to me and cut me off for the weirdest shit. this must be a pattern in my life lmfao

it also hurt that in losing my “best friend” they did the exact same thing to me that my ex did. and they were there for all of it, with me, i dont remember them comforting me, moreso telling me off in an i told you so kind of way but like you knew what that did to me and you went and did it to me too? idk

im already tired of typing and i didnt even talk about my day today but it was pretty good. i have anxiety over the craziest shit but i love being around people who make me feel safe. i left early from work bc i was having anxiety abt this favor i told my coworker id do them so i had to go get stuff from the beauty supply and idk i just wanted to go home... but i got my karma for doing that because i smoked in the park had a great ass time and then went in the subway to go home, someone opens the door with a stroller im like yasssss and then i walk through and cops grab me. BITCH!!!! i got a $100 subway ticket like are you fuckin serious mate... every time i cry i basically get a panic attack and cant breathe so that happened in the middle of the 14th st station it was really embarrassing but mostly annoying because like really bro... ur gonna give me a ticket.. i literally told these fuck asses that i couldnt afford it and they felt sympathetic BUT GAVE ME THE BIGGEST FINE!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! so i let that ruin my day for like an hour but then i got over it. its just that im so broke rn and money gives me SO much anxiety like being broke is actually the worst fucking shit ever :(

clearly feeling manic since im typing this in the first place but im excited for tomorrow because i have my first psych appt since 2019 and maybe will get rediagnosed/get on new meds because my anxiety is fr out of control :( and im paranoid and i cant sleep at night and it feels like bugs are crawling on me and i can feel every inch of fabric on my sports bra touching me and i probably have adhd too after u read this crazy ass essay u could probably tell lmfao anyways. going to smoke and watch teen mom and then go to sleep. maybe reblog some more shit and see whats going on on my dash. gn besties

#life

0 notes

peakyblindersxx · 3 years

Text

whiskey business - john shelby x reader (part 6 of ?)

gif by my queen @michaelgreys, i'm basically her fanblog now but im not mad about it :) i mean just look at him!!1! i almost fainted

a/n: first of all, if you stuck around to this point, tysm for reading!!! this has been one of the most amazing fics ive ever been a part of and it's all thanks to the gorgeous @stxdyblr-2k, who generously took control of the next few parts. her brain is beautiful and we all owe her flowers or something. when i read what she sent me i couldn't bring myself to change much except for some small edits, so pls give her lots of love if you like it!!!! i'm still working on requests as well :)

love, abi xxx

read part one two three four five | my masterlist

tagging: @datewithgianni, @mayaslifeinabox, @deepdonutkid, @springsoulofengland, @lilymurphy03

prompt: nothing this good can last forever. john doesn't know how to feel, and neither do you.

warnings: nsfw! a teensy bit of smut, angsty as fuck prepare yourselves accordingly, a lil fluff if u squint, yeah this fucked me up

Obviously, it wasn't the last time.

Over the coming months you had many last times; his mouth pressed against your neck said as much. As his responsibility at work increased, you'd find yourself heading to his office after your lectures and night classes more often, perched on his lap, smoking, while he finished up his numbers under your critical gaze.

Thomas was more than aware; his snarky comments made it obvious he had his ways of monitoring your actions. You'd seen the dark car lurking outside your rallies and lectures, and no matter how you'd try to throw him off, not even telling Ada where you were going and even, in a moment of desperation, through your neighbours back window, somehow, his silent shadow was still looming. He was practically begging you to make a mistake, to give everyone an easy out. You just couldn't give him the satisfaction. You knew Tommy saw the world as a chess board, always several moves ahead of his opponent. Even when you played him in chess club all those years ago, you could outflank him if you thought on your feet and kept him thinking he was winning until you obliterated him in the end game. It was brutal, sure. But as he told you, there were bigger games at play. You had your own. Thomas could read your mail, intercept your phone calls and have you followed, but he couldn't hear what you said out of earshot. Your lot could smell an interceptor in your ranks, so spying at that close of a proximity was out of the question.

That's why he'd decided to let you have John. You knew his silent approval and his constant management of the narrative meant he saw a tactical gain. There was only so much information he could get from Ada, but John? He just had to agitate him in the right way and all your secrets would come tumbling out. It was difficult hiding your world from John; of what he knew of, he was supportive, quizzing you over current affairs and political discourse, listening intently. Yet, you had to watch your mouth. You had to keep a barrier up and you knew John sensed the distance. Fundamentally, there was nothing either of you could do.

So here you were, in a comfortable limbo. Your days were filled with work, evenings were for lectures and reading groups at the city's university, Ada and you often stopped for a drink or three; you'd go by your flat to freshen up, and then to John's office. Sometimes, you wouldn't visit for a week or so when the guilt sent you over the edge, it was draining to be living so many lives and knowing you were betraying the person you loved most on earth. Ada was oblivious, taking you on her nightly adventures filled with men, dancing and waiting while she was busy kissing in dark corners. Sometimes a young blinder would ask if you wanted to be walked home. The first occurrence you thought was sweet, but as the nights it occurred coincided with nights John seemed extra pent up, you'd decided to ask. The boy, who couldn't be older than twelve but who you knew was trained in using firearms and had a revolver pinned to his hip and a razor in his cap, looked confused.

"Mate, it's not a tough question. Why do you come and ask?"

"There's a phone call." He shrugs, "Isaiah or Michael tells us to go and get you."

Isaiah and Michael were somewhat aware? Fucking hell. Your fling was basically a military campaign at this point, so many of your friends were complicit. The little lads who ran as messengers around Birmingham were complicit. You had to just end it.

But when you sat on his thigh, his chin hooked over your shoulder, it felt so worth it. He never turned you away when you came crawling back. He never mentioned it until after you were finished, hooked under his arm.

"Fucking missed you, gorgeous."

Sometimes he'd remind you not to be a stranger with a wink, but you could tell it was tearing him apart too. He never once came to you. That's how he could justify it in his mind; obviously, the bare minimum was not having sex with his sister's best friend, but in failing that, waiting for you to initiate it was somewhat better. He barely talked to Ada now, citing work as an excuse, but truly the guilt sickened him. He couldn't believe he was prepared to continuously hurt his little sister and betray her. But every time you turned up at his door, he couldn't find it in himself to turn you away. In his mind, every single time you came to visit him was the last time he'd let it happen, yet he was always waiting for you to come back, his blind closed to signal he was prepared. He never would call, it had to be your choice.

You'd been off and on for over five months now. It was so difficult to hide in plain sight, but you just couldn't stop yourself. Neither of you purposefully meant for this to be happen but fuck, was it fun.

For your birthday he'd gifted you a fur coat from the same shop his sister, aunt and the fashionable crowd of Birmingham had purchased theirs. He joked that you looked like a "proper razor chaser", kissing you when you pouted at his teasing, begging you to wear only the coat when you fucked him next. It was a practice for blinders to buy a coat for their wives and girlfriends as a status symbol. You were neither, but John claimed that being his "favourite lass" also counted.

John was a laugh, but you knew at any time he could close his door to you. Until he decided he couldn't be bothered with you, you weren't going to get caught. You just had to be careful until he got bored.

***

You did end up putting a foot wrong. It was a Thursday night; you were sitting on the edge of John's desk while he was ridding you of your blouse. It was past midnight, Birmingham was asleep. You almost didn't bother coming out tonight, but you knew John had lost a deal and you wanted to be there for him. Your skirt and stockings were strewn across the desk with his shirt, vest and waistcoat, muddled into the files and papers which were once neatly stacked.

His fingers were pumping in and out of you, his mouth lapping at your breast, your head tipped back in euphoria, groaning. The stress made him more affectionate and tender with you, and it was nights like these that made you wonder. Wonder if this could ever be something more, something real.

John's body suddenly pulled away from yours, quickly turning the light off.

"John, what-" You were cut off by John’s hand over your mouth, muffling your words.

"Shut up and get behind the desk." He hissed. "Someone's coming upstairs."

You quickly grabbed your clothes from the shiny oak surface and crouched, hiding yourself from view, quickly making yourself decent. You weren't going to get shot through the head with your tits out. You listened to the stairs creek, and it sounded like a group. You two were easily outnumbered. They were talking, but the thick panels of wood muffled their voices.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, the cracks in the door giving the room a dulled glow, you could make out the figure of John. He was free of his shirt, toned body on display, standing with his back flat to the wall, revolver produced from a discreet notch in the door frame, gaze fixed on where they'd enter. He was tense, ready. The door was unlocked from the outside, the door handle twisting.

John's lip shifted in confusion yet still he kept his trigger finger ready, not a single shake from your general.

The light flicked on and a shriek rang out. It was blinding, and you stood up slightly dazed. Finn was in the doorway, John next to him clutching his chest, panting and lowering the gun.

"Jesus Christ, Finn, can't you knock like a normal person? Scared the shit out of us." John bellowed, shaking as the adrenaline coursed through his body, resting his hands on the edge of the desk as he regained his breath.

"You're the one who pointed a gun at me! I didn't even know you were in 'ere!" Finn yelped.

The commotion had attracted the attention of Ada and Isaiah, who had come running and stopped in their tracks upon seeing you standing behind John's desk in the middle of the night. They weren't stupid. John was topless, your clothes obviously rumpled, both with matching tousled hair and practically stinking of guilt. You'd been caught red handed. Ada's eyes flicked between both you and John, and you could practically see the pieces of the puzzle clicking together in her mind, all the moments she found questionable since you'd returned suddenly making sense, realising she had been deceived by the two people who she was meant to trust most in life. Finn looked absolutely crushed, he'd never been able to conceal his emotions as well as his older brothers and sister, linking his fingers through Ada's, squeezing her hand.

"I forgot to drop this off earlier." Finn stated, holding up a money box, "Ada had keys so we thought we'd sneak in so I wouldn't get done by Tommy. We did call round yours, Y/N. We thought you were in bed."

"I'm sorry." You said. It was not enough but you just didn't know what else to say. You couldn't make it right, you'd really fucked up this time. Tears pricked at your eyes, as Ada examined you in silence.

John stepped in front of you defensively. "Look, Ada-"

"How long has this been going on?" She asked, her voice shaking with rage. You and John exchanged a glance. "I said, how fucking long?"

"Five months, six in a fortnight." He answered.

Isaiah whistled lowly. "That's fucked. I thought it was only a few times, that it'd finished."

"Never really over when it's John is it." Finn interjects, you glance to him, were you just one in a long string? You shouldn't be surprised but it was easy to pretend he may actually care about you.

"You've been fucking around for six months behind my back?" Ada yelped, Finn trying to comfort her but she pulled away from him. "And you fucking knew Iz."

"I'd expect this from you, yeah? Wouldn't put anything past you these days.." she sneered at John, "But you? You?! You're meant to be my best mate, but here you are sneaking about fucking my brother?"

"Ada-" you began, eyes welling with tears.

"I thought I could trust you. You're just another fucking razor chaser, aren't you?" She spits. "That's why you came back."

"No it wasn't, Ada-"

Her eyes flashed with anger, but this time John was on the receiving end. "You bought her that fucking coat ,didn't you? The fur one. You did! Fuck's sake!" Her fists were clenched, shoulders squared. For the first time in your life, you understood why crowds parted for Ada Shelby. Understood all the free drinks and cab rides, the nervous serving staff declaring your meal on the house (always acknowledged by Ada with a hefty tip), understood why the men of Birmingham didn't last long with her.

"Did it feel good to swan about town in that fucking coat, while acting as though you cared about me? It's so fucking embarrassing. All trussed up because my knobhead big brother makes you feel special? Thanks for rubbing it in my face."

"Ada, I love you. I never meant to hurt you, I got caught up and that's on me. It's my fault."

"You're not acting like you love me. This isn’t what love is, Y/N." She retorted.

You couldn’t do anything but nod. She was right.

John opened his mouth to speak, Ada silencing him, a scowl darkening her features.

"I don't care what you have to say. Any of you. Who else knows?"

"Thomas, Michael, Arthur-" John listed off slowly, each name prompting Ada to break down a little bit more in front of you.

"I didn't know Arthur knew." You said pointedly, John sending you an exasperated glance. He was planning on dealing with that later, but right now was about his sister. Fuck him if he thought you were going to stick around much longer. You didn't want to hear him justify everyone else knowing about your fling with your best friend being left completely in the dark.

"That all you have to say for yourself?" Ada snaps at you.

"I have fucking no defense, do I Ada? I should've walked away." You pushed your hair back, frustrated at yourself, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. You begged yourself not to cry. Tears wouldn't help anything.

"Why didn't you?"

You didn't know. Your silence only riled her up.

"Why didn't you fucking walk away?" Ada yelled, slamming her hands on the desk.

You felt hot tears run down your face, quickly moving your hands to dab at your tears.

"Don't you dare fucking cry. After all you've done, you don't get to cry in front of me." Ada growled at you, John going to shush her, obviously wanting to comfort you. "You can all fuck off. You've all lied to me and gone behind my back. Fuck’s sake, you could've just told me. You could've just told me."

"We didn't want to hurt you." John said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder but she flinches away.

"This hurts so much more. You get that you all lying to me is so much worse, don't you?"

"We weren't thinking."

"You really fucking weren't." Ada laughs bitterly, shaking her head, blinking away tears. "Fuck you lot."

She stormed out, tailed by Finn, begging her to slow down and talk to him, protesting his innocence in the situation. Isaiah hesitated in the doorway, his eyes flickering between you and John.

"I had no idea you two've been at it for so long."

"Iz, fuck off yeah? I've had enough today." John shot back, sliding across the desk towards you. "You alright, lass?"

"We're done here, John."

He slid off the table, his hand cupping your face, "Hey, gorgeous, I get it but don't go breaking my heart tonight. Can we just leave this for tomorrow? Sleep on it."

The idea of getting any sleep at all tonight was laughable, you'd be up all night replaying these moments and torturing yourself. Tonight couldn't get any worse so you had to finally end it. Now was the right time.

"John, it should've never happened."

"But it did."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's over."

"Y/N. You know for me it was never just about-"

"You're making it difficult. Stop making it difficult. Whatever you say isn't going to change that right now we have to do the right thing."

"I know you're right, but I don't want to let go. Is it so wrong to want you? I adore you, you know that."

You wouldn't meet his eyes. Sighing, John pressed his forehead to the side of your head, chin brushing your shoulder, eyes closing. He was begging you to stay with him. There had to be a solution, you'd figure it out together. His voice was cracking, eyes glassy. He looked so much younger when he was pleading. The tall bloke who terrorised the Midlands with his razor rimmed cap, a revolver in his hand, and a ruthless trigger finger had vanished. You wanted to stay, burning to curl up with him and for him to kiss it better.

"I should go." You told him. He rested his forehead on your shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh before pulling away, nodding.

"I'd drive you home but obviously-"

"Obviously."

John suddenly turned from you, eyes narrowing at Isaiah who was still hovering at the door. "Thought I told you to fuck off. Make yourself useful and get Y/N home safely." His tone was ice cold once again.

Isaiah nodded, offering his arm to you. You reached the door and instinctively looked back at John. His eyes met yours, staring at you from his desk, just as you knew he would. He prepared himself to watch you leave every night, but this time was different. That was it with you two.

Isaiah strode down the street with you in silence. You were tucked into his side as was customary with the upcoming blinders who were particularly ambitious, but there was no relaxed chat.

"Isaiah. What’re you thinking?" You asked, voice tinged with nervousness.

He sighed, running his free hand across his jaw, "That was intense in there."

"Just how he is." You shrugged.

"Does he love you or sommet?"

"Fuck knows… does it matter?"

"Of course it does. Do you love him?"

"Drop it. None of that matters, it shouldn't have happened in the first place so it can’t," You snapped, the anger at the situation you'd created suddenly overwhelming.

Isaiah whistled, raising his brow at your obvious turmoil. "You're in fucking deeper than you want to admit."

He walked you up your path, watching you turn the key to the side door leading to your bedsit. You paused, turning to him.

"Iz… I don't know what to do next."

It was so dark, you could see his face only by the lit cigarette burning to embers between his fingers. He inhaled deeply, pausing before delivering his carefully laid out plan of avoidance. Obviously the event of him crossing the Shelbys and losing their good graces weighed heavily on his mind. You nodded, listening intently, noting his ideas of relocation but he explained they were a final resort. The best thing to do was try to regain their trust; in the long run, he had calculated, it was the only option that didn't result in your life being haunted by the Shelbys. Even if they left you alone, their enemies would make a point to go after you, seeing you as an easy target. The other option was to leave the country.

"Good luck, Y/N. I mean it." He muttered as you turned the handle to the temporary safety of your home. You nodded, offering you cheek for the polite good night kiss you'd become accustomed to. He rolled his eyes and obliged, pressing an affectionate kiss to your cheek and ruffling your hair. "I'm serious. Watch your back."

***

John broke down when he finally heard the lock click shut. His eyes had been prickling with boiling tears, his jaw tensed to hold them back. He yelled out in anger, flipping his desk with force, a loud crash as the wood splintered against the stone flooring, glass shattering from the photo frames. His hands went to his head, unable to stop the gasping breaths escaping from his trembling lips, his face reddening.

"Fuck’s sake." He growled. He'd fucked everything up. He had nothing, just as he'd told you the first night you returned. The consequence was no surprise, he'd anticipated the fall out for a while, but he couldn't resist you. He was completely guilty and had no defense; his only justification being that you made him think with his cock, not his brain.

Fuck’s sake. Polly was going to murder him. She'd always had a soft spot for Ada, as the only girl in the family, and was no stranger to lecturing him over his flirtatious behaviour around Ada's friends. She'd murder him. He had a half mind to never go home. He rubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. Polly had no use for tears. That's what she'd tell him when he was a boy coming home with a skinned knee. This was far worse.

He was also sure that he was a worse brother than Tommy, perhaps the worst in the world. His baby sister, who he'd helped to toddle, carry proudly on his shoulders after school and race with her on his back through the fields on the outskirts of Small Heath, had walked in on him obviously in the midst of fucking her best mate. If he had swallowed his pride and actually talked to her, he wouldn't be in this mess. He could've told her that things changed, that for the same reasons Ada loved Y/N he had fallen for her, that he was truly sorry but she had to know before it got too far and someone got hurt. He couldn't go back.

He should've never approached you that night.

He should never approach you again.

He looked over the mess of his office, the splintered wood and shards of glass, a confetti of paperwork. Now nothing mattered. None of this mattered. He'd lost everything and he had only himself to blame.

#john shelby imagine #john shelby x reader #john shelby fluff #john shelby series #john shelby fanfic #peaky blinders fluff #peaky blinder fanfic #john shelby smut #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader

352 notes · View notes

jeonfiles · 3 years

Text

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite, however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go.

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?”

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat.

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget.

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing.

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #namjoon smut #jungkook ff #bts ff #bts imagines #bts scenarios #namjoon ff #bangtan smut #jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jeongguk ff

324 notes · View notes

warmau · 3 years

Text

“that’s the worst sound i have ever heard in my life.”

you stand up too fast from behind the counter and bump your head with an ouch before looking to see what sicheng is complaining about now

outside the window of the cafe, you see a group of laughing boys and the bright, loud dirt bikes they’ve started riding around town

the sound of the engines and skidding tires managing to make their way through the windows

you wipe your hand on the front of your uniform’s apron and shrug

“i think they’re kind of cool.”

sicheng swivels around on the creaky bar stool, a script open halfway through is laying beside his iced-coffee

“extreme sports is just the polite way to say hey, this shit will get you killed”

you roll your eyes and check the clock that hangs above the display of baked goods and menu - almost eight, so almost time to close

you point it out to sicheng who packs his things up, you go over to help an elderly regular clean up their table and when the customer leaves you tell sicheng he doesn’t have to wait up for you

he throws his bag over his shoulder and looks over his shoulder at the parked dirt bikes

“hey, if one of them bothers you when you’re locking up just call me.”

“im pretty sure they’re not even going to notice me.”

sicheng still frets as he slips out of the door

you hum as you fall into your end of the day routine. you’ve been working here part-time through university, but with summer coming around, you’ve come on full-time

it’s a lot of work for one person, but the boss trusts you like their own children, and you actually enjoy having the quiet responsibility of locking up

you sweep the floor, put away all of the left over food and milk in the fridge, check the register and print-out the sales for the day

your last task is to close all of the blinds, the cafe always has them up in the summer, the tops open to let a slight breeze in when it coasts by

as you go through each them, you finally reach the last one that faces directly out of the front of the cafe. out onto sidewalk across.

it’s right in front of the intersection where the sidewalk turns into the boardwalk, and there’s a bike rack and some parking spots

the dirt bikes have all been left there, tires soiled with wear and sand

beside one of the bikes, a sleek red bodied one with various silver accents, stands a lone figure

in the summer heat, he’s still got leather gloves on that clutch the matching colored helmet in one hand, long jeans and lace up heavy boots

the only breathable part of his outfit is the white tank top that clings to the obviously toned lines of his upper body

a silver chain hangs around his neck, the links look so small on his overall broad figure, but they still shine against his sun kissed skin

he chews on the end of a toothpick and staring -

you step back slightly - he’s staring right at you

something in your stomach feels off, the crossing wires of concern and shock tell you to enter a state of heightened awareness

scurrying back to your work, you tell yourself you are just seeing things. you should listen to sicheng, finish quickly and hurry home.

the summer sun is quietly being pushed out by the summer moon by the time you lock the front door of the cafe and drop the keys into your bag

you turn around and whisper a small - shit! - when the figure from before is still there

he’s probably waiting for his friends, but sicheng was all wound up about them so now i am to- oh wait i think he’s coming over here!

and you’re right, the figure looks both ways before he crosses the street and jogs easily up to you

suddenly your hand itches to fish those keys out of your bag because what can a guy (a very handsome guy, up close) on a dirt bike have to do with you-

“hi - do you work in the cafe?”

he asks, voice deeper than you expect, his eyes are large and the color of autumn chestnuts

“um-yes?”

he sees the way your shoulders are tensed and he immediately retracts himself a step backwards

he puts his hands up, helmet still in his right, “oh right - sorry to scare you, i was just asking because ive seen you around-”

something like a flush coats under his cheeks

“wait - that sounds weird too, i just meant to say that i think you’re - that i wanted to know your name is all....”

you blink, your shoulders don’t relax completely, but you can tell there isn’t any bad intent coming from him

“well, what's your name first.”

he stands up taller and grins, white teeth almost blinding in the dusk

“wong yukhei! i came here for the summer with some of my buddies.”

he tilts his head toward the bikes and you nod, saying only your first name - sichengs cautiousness seeping into your own

yukhei repeats it, with an almost a bit of a goofyness in his smile when he does

“well - ill see you around then?”

you aren’t sure what to make of the situation, so you just shrug - “maybe?” - he seems satisified with this answer though, and crosses back to his bike

you don’t know why, but you feel embarrassed just standing there, so you shuffle your feet and start your walk home

at some point you turn to look over your shoulder, right at the corner that you have to take, but when you do - yukhei and his bike are gone

“really? see, this is why i should stay while you lock up.”

sicheng’s eyebrow twitches as you finish telling him what happened

it’s the next day, and it’s noon - right when the days get the hottest and most of the cafe’s customers are just coming in for the free air conditioning

“i don’t think he’s dangerous, i think he just wanted to say hi.”

you answer, fixing what must be the twentieth order for shaved ice-cream

the slices of strawberry fall gently onto the heap, and you place two pairs of the forks beside the dish

carrying it carefully to the pick up counter, you call out the order number and watch as a young couple - still dressed in their beach attire - comes up together, unable to break apart for even a second

you smile at them and return to sicheng, taking his empty glass and turning to fill it up with ice

“you can think he’s not dangerous, but any idiot who owns a death trap like a dirtbike-”

“sicheng, it’s like a normal bike but with an engine. it’s like a car but without the-”

“the safety, without the safety. really - i didn’t think you’d be the type to be into bad guys like that.”

you make a pfft sound with your lips, filling the glass with water and setting it down beside him

“first off, im not into anyone - i talked to him once. and just because they like bikes, doesn’t make them bad - you’ve been reading too many of those cliché scripts.”

sicheng makes his own sound of disapproval, but takes the drink you offer and brings the straw to his lips

you get busy with other customers, at some point kun and xiaojun turn up and distract sicheng

the whole time you work, something in you keeps making you stop to look out of the window

last night, the row of bikes had been there, but now they’re gone - maybe they’re not coming into town tonight?

you reprimand yourself every time you do look, because really it is just like you said to sicheng - yukhei was just saying hi.

finally it’s time for you to close the cafe again

the only reason sicheng doesn’t stay is because kun drags him somewhere else and if there’s anyone more stubborn than sicheng, it’s the elder of the pair

you take your time - calling the boss to let him know you’re leaving

“did that group of loud boys wreck havoc again?”

“group of boys?”

“the ones on those bikes, not motorcycles the other ones-”

your hand gets a little sweaty as it holds the phone

“no, they didn’t come around today.”

“good. be safe going home.”

you think about the conversation as you subconsciously start walking after you lockup

there’s a way to get home that’s faster, and much safer, but there’s a longer way too - that has you walk most of the boardwalk

really, it’s still safe - because of summer the beach is as bright as a movie screen till midnight - but you avoid it for the crowd and the noise

your feet urge you to turn at your usual corner, but you don’t, you make way to the little stairs that lead from the sidewalk and onto the old wooden boardwalk

there are lots of people still about, packing their things up from their time at the beach or coming to stroll by the waves when the sand isn’t burning under their feet

groups of friends, smiling strangers, couples with kids or without

everyone is enjoying their summer, and you almost feel out of place because your summer is going just as you thought it would. completely uneventful. long days at the cafe, lonely nights in your room

“oh?”

you hear your name suddenly and turn your head left to see yukhei leaning against one of the benches

on the bench are what look like some of his fellow friends, some have those moto jackets you’ve only seen on tv hanging off their shoulders and others are drinking out of cups and swinging the keys to their bikes around their fingers

yukhei comes over to you and everyone in his crew throws a look over their shoulder

you blink when he stops in front of you - right, you think, he’s pretty tall

“are you getting off work?”

“yep”

“it’s really late, your boyfriend doesn’t ever walk you home?”

“boyfriend?”

you retort almost sarcastically, because where did the sudden idea that you - walking alone on a boardwalk made for summer romance - have a boyfriend

yukhei scratches the back of his neck and you notice some scrapes on his elbows

“oh there’s the guy - in the cafe with you all the time, he glares a lot - uh-”

“sicheng? oh no, he’s a friend.” you can’t help but chuckle “but you’re right he doesn’t smile often.”

yukhei seems to suddenly beam at the confirmation, which makes something inside of you feel a little warm, but awkward so you point to his injuries

“bike accident?”

he pokes at the yellowing flesh and winces, “yeah. but it happens a lot.”

“it seems like a dangerous sport, do you not mind getting hurt?”

the question is more curiosity than anything - you’re not trying to be mocking or even mean - and yukhei can tell from the way you’re still casting a concerned look at his other arm for evidence of any other “accidents”

“i mean i mind it, but i love it too much to give up”

yukhei laughs and it sounds nice, pleasant - people with good laughs tend to have good hearts

“and im not really good at anything else. like if i was to be a waiter in a cafe like you, id probably hurt myself a lot more than i do on a dirt bike”

you want to correct him, you’re technically not a waiter - but a barista - but you stop because you are slightly transfixed by the kindness that glows from him

you’ve never seen someone else radiate so......positively

suddenly one of his friends calls out his name, asks if he’s going to join them as they head back to get their bikes

yukhei looks at you before he answers - “i could walk you home, since it is late.”

“that’s ok, thank you for offering.” you push your hands behind your back a little as you tell him goodnight, before you’re a couple of steps away someone from his group shouts out

“yukhei’s not only good with dirt bikes - he’s a good kisser too-”

by the sound of it, yukhei jumps on his friend and tells him to shut up! you hear the aftermath of the scuffle, but don’t turn around as you giggle to yourself

a couple of times after that, you see yukhei simply in passing

sometimes you’re in the middle of your shift and he walks by the window with his friends, he looks up and sees you and waves - but he doesn’t come in

you wave back every time and a part of you pinches when he the door doesn’t open after

other times, you’ll see him after work - or you’ll hear his bike somewhere and he slows down to ask how work is before speeding off to catch up with friends

little bits and pieces of interactions, never anything more than that

you don’t really tell sicheng about it either, he grumbles enough about the noise they make and the other things he doesn’t like so you decide not to bother even though he’s a close friend

and the twilights of a little crush on yukhei are most definitely seeping into your brain

but everything changes when you find yourself closing the cafe after a super busy saturday, where you hadn’t been able to get everyone out until it hit past eleven.

the boss had thanked you profously and promised a good overtime check since you’d stayed so late

and you were too exhausted to be too mad about having to stay past your schedule

as you went through your routine, you nearly jumped from your skin when the door opened and you turned to explain - no really, you were closed now when you came face to face with yukhei

the side of his cheek is obviously bruised, scrapes that look like bad road rash cascade down past the angle of his jaw and onto his neck

he limps a little when he makes it across the doors threshold and you see dried blood on his knuckles

“yukhei?” you rush over and take him by forearm, making sure to hold onto the skin that isn’t covered in some kind of wound

“yukhei what are you doing here - did you fall off your bike, you have to go to a hospital now!”

not anywhere close to being a doctor, you can only prematurely tend to him with the cheap ass first aid kit from the kitchen

the entire time you keep saying that he has to go to the hospital

and yukhei mumbles that he doesn’t know where one is, his friends weren’t with him either - he got hurt alone - so he came to the only place that was close by and familiar

you look up at him - he’s sitting on the same bar stool that sicheng is usually in and you’re standing between his legs, bottle of ointment uncapped on the counter - bandages in your hand

“ok, ill take you - ill call a friend who has a car.”

“im ok.”

he lifts a hand and wraps it gently around your wrist. you can feel the wear on his skin from his leather gloves and old callouses from old injuries

he stares at you and the only light is from the kitchen, flickering on and off

“you’re not ok, you might have a more serious internal injur-”

“if i was bleeding inside, i would know.”

you frown, he says it like it has happened before - you wonder how many times has yukhei fell off his bike, or gotten hurt some other way - how many times has he done it alone

“fine, you don’t have to go now but go sometime soon. promise me.”

he looks at you, the autumn chestnut color you saw when you first met him is glazed now in a darker brown.

“ill promise you if you promise me something too.”

swallowing, you become acutely aware of how close you are - his knees are grazing either side of your thighs. your wrist is still in his lax hold.

you smell sweat, blood, and cologne on him. he smells the tiredness of your work on you.

“this isn’t a joke yukhei, i just want you to be-”

“i will go, i promise but promise me something too.”

“ok. ok fine, what? do you want free coffee or -”

“promise you’ll kiss me at least once before this summer is over.”

before you even realize it, you agree. simply because you want him so badly to go to the hospital, or at least that’s how you come to terms with it on your own.

you itch as the promise swirls around your head, even hours after you watched yukhei walk away from your front door - banged up and bruised and stilling insisting on walking you home

when you see sicheng the next day, you want to tell him about everything because your head feels like a tangled mess

but you don’t - you just pick at the strings of your apron, make drinks and heat up pastries

three days go by and yukhei doesn’t show himself anywhere. he’s not even in his group of friends who you see once again on the boardwalk one night after work

you somehow push past the nervous feeling and ask one of them where he is

“ah, his bike is all fucked up so he’s been mopping about it while it’s in the shop.”

“did he go to the hospital?”

the guy laughs, shakes his head - “knowing yukhei, probably not. but we haven’t seen him for a while either.”

you say thank you and turn to leave - you hear some kind of buzzing, some kind of mention of you and yukhei and what kind of ‘relationship’ you’re in - but you push past it

you don’t even know where he lives, let alone where he rides his bike so you can’t really go and check on him

you have to wait for him to come to you - that bothers you.

you stop and return to the group, who all simmer to silence when you come close again.

“where do you guys usually ride your bikes?”

you’ve never been this far up the beach, mostly because this part is relatively blocked off from swimming because of the high ridges of rocks and the part of the coast that disappears into the mountains

there’s a trail for hikers that leads off and into the trees, but you don’t go there - worried you’ll get lost without a map or guidance

yukhei’s friends said they mostly biked here - dirt bikes aren’t motorcycles you know that right babe?

you cross your hands over your chest - on your one free day of the week, you want to be splayed out on your floor under a fan. not looking for yukhei - someone who is practically a stranger to you

is he though? we might have talked less times than i can count on all my fingers but would i really call him a stranger?

you look around but it seems barren, almost eerily quiet and isolated

so when the loud sound of an engine roars from that opening into the mountains, you almost teeter back

with a flair of dirt and sand that flies toward you in a storm, you hear a bike rip down and into dune

the red bike strikes against the sizzling backdrop of the summer day and your eyes widen when you see it do a half-circle and come to a halt

yukhei pulls the helmet off and shakes his sweaty hair from his forehead - he looks over at you and you think you have lost the ability to speak

i know im supposed to be angry and concerned, but he looks so hot it’s almost unfair

the road rash on his cheek is healing better than expected, but his wounds are all still clear as day - scabbing as they heal

he doesn’t get off the bike - just looks at you and then beckons you over with a tilt of his head

you almost protest because you came here to be all strong willed and insist that he go see the doctor, also when did his bike get out of the shop?

but you bend to the command and make your way over

he kills the engine and stares at you - you stare back

“where have you been?”

“i went to the hospital like i promised.”

the sudden confession makes you drop your hands - “really! what did they say?”

“no internal bleeding.” he leans his body slightly over the side of his bike “told you id know if i was dying.”

“still, im happy you went. it’s better to be safe than so-”

he drops his helmet on the sand and your sentence cuts off with the sound

“so i kept my promise, do you want to keep yours now?”

don’t be silly, im not kissing you - you don’t even like me and i don’t -

all the excuses in your brain just get lost in the jumble that’s already made a home up there, so you just decide that fine. you will keep that idiotic, dumb, heat of the moment promise.

you grab yukhei by the sides of his tank top, starling him as you push yourself toward his mouth

using the leveraged grip you let your hold relax only enough so that you can dig your nails through the fabric and into the skin of his ribs

yukhei makes a growling noise into your mouth that is somehow more sweltering than the summer sun

he cranes his neck slightly so when you run your tongue across the slip of his lips he can easily grant you any of the access you require, one hand goes up to grip the back of his neck

he takes one hand from the handles of the bike and slips it to the small of your back - then up between your shoulder blades as he pushes you closer

it’s supposed to be one kiss. one little, flimsy kiss, and yet the attraction you feel between you two is so charged that you cannot stop

you only break back to see if yukhei feels the same thing, and it is written all over his face, he does

that and the way he tells you to step back as he gets off the bike, it falls to the sand and you start to ask why in the world he’s so careless with everything when he just wraps you up in his arms and starts kissing you again

“i wont be careless when it comes to you”

his mouth is magical, even more so as it drags down to your neck and the layer of sweat between your bodies is threatening to turn to fucking cement and keep you stuck in this embrace for the rest of eternity (not that either of you would mind)

but it’s so hot and you are not about to fall back on this sand - so you somehow manage to tell yukhei to meet you later tonight

“want a ride home?” he pants, but you unglue yourself from the plane of his perfect chest and shake your head, “meet me at ten.”

yukhei is there on time. he didn’t bring his bike, which is a good idea considering the noise it would make, he looks so sweet when you come downstairs and he asks if you want to go on a date

a date, like go get dinner if you haven’t had any or play boardwalk games until midnight

you say yes. just not tonight

yukhei’s look of childish confusion makes you laugh as you take his hand and lead him back inside.

sicheng might have warned you about yukhei being “bad”, the only little problem is you might have always been the “bad” one all along

with how big, strong, dirt biking yukhei looks up at you with absolute awe as you forgo chitchat over shared ice-cream and push him down onto the sheets of your bed

in the morning, you have to go to work and yukhei has to leave through the window, but you kiss him one last time and he mumbles he’ll meet you after your shift

“now i do have a boyfriend to walk me home, huh?”

you giggle and yukhei nearly trips over himself at the word

you do let yukhei take you on a date, of course you do - and it’s as soft and sweet as you expect because yukhei is the opposite of what he looks like at first glance

all the bruises, all the confidence, all the arrogant handsomeness that is ingrained in his perfect features is just a cover. he’s a big teddy bear.

refusing to let you pay, giving you his jacket, offering to come over early and help you lock up

holding your hand gently, kissing your forehead when you complain about dumb customers, the absolute sugary-sweet pillow talk that sometimes makes you feel like you’re in a hallmark movie romcom

when sicheng catches yukhei with a hand around your waist on the boardwalk - he nearly calls the police, but you explain everything - sans the more intimate details and it takes a long time for sicheng to accept it but

you are happy, god you are so happy it is pouring out of you - especially when you are with yukhei

even your boss warms up to him (only him, the rest of his buddies are basically barred from coming into the cafe)

and yukhei, when you see him with others, it’s obvious that he is an extroverted charmer - one afternoon he helps you with orders and when he returns, the receipt is covered in numbers

of course - he crumples it and tosses it into the garbage as he lets a secret hand sneak up your shirt behind the shield of the counter

and then, the summer is whisking away, and you feel the first kisses of autumn when yukhei is helping you steady yourself on the dirt bike - even though you refuse to actually ever ride it

you shiver at the breeze and yukhei feels your goosebumps under his fingertips

“hey, are you going to leave once summer is over - i know you and your friends are just staying here because it’s a great place to bike but-”

he leans down and buries his face in your hair

“why, you gonna miss me if i leave?”

you reach behind you to try and flick him, but he dodges

“i just wanted to know - if i should get ready for heartbreak or-”

“don’t ever say that, i would never hurt you.”

his tone drops and you know he’s being serious

“i love you and im not going anywhere.”

he helps you off the bike and then pulls you into his arms

“promise?”

you whisper, but yukhei hears it and you feel him nod

“promise.”

a couple of years later, you hear a loud sound from the living room and rush out to the garage

you see yukhei rubbing his head - wrench in one hand and a broken looking bike on the floor

“what happened?!”

“i didn’t put the kick stand down all the way so it toppled over”

you kneel down beside him and examine him for any wounds,

yukhei watches you and the concern that is always so bright and tender in your eyes when it comes to him

you turn his hand over to make sure, the engagement band on his finger catches the light as you do

the matching one on your hand feels cool against his skin.

“you’re so careless, seriously!”

you puff your cheeks out and chide him with all the love, he smiles back and leans in to kiss your frown

“true, but im never careless with you.”

you roll your eyes, but it’s true - ever since he first said it till now.

#ok in my defense.......i think dirt bikes are cooler than just motorcycles.#also the suits they were during xgames is so cool like imagine yukhei in one #yukhei au #lucas au #nct au #wayv au #lucas imagines #yukhei imagines #wayv #lucas #yukhei #blood/#wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #yukhei scenarios #lucas scenarios #nostolgic au

432 notes · View notes

beelstoecrust · 3 years

Text

Reading you based on your obey me Kin

i will be ruthless and im not holdin back!! ok now say it with me😈

Lucifer

I kin Lucifer and I have a hard time reaching out to my friends for help even when i know i need it. I don't want people to get worried about me so i mask my issues and help everyone with thier issues, completely disregarding my own needs for a break. in the end i feel alone because regardless of saying im ok, i want someone to truly sit with me and ask me if im ok, but i fear that moment because im not used to dealing with my own issues

Mammon

I kin Mammon and i just want to feel seen and loved. sometimes i do stupid/dumb things to get the seratonin that comes from making people laugh. i feel like no one ever listens to me and it makes me feel insignificant and like the last one to get picked. i truly want to be myself and fear that if im not the odds one out by doing little dumb things people will think im essentially worthless and most likely think im borning. I have a hard time talking about my feelings and want to so desperately, that if i do i won't know what to say or where to start due to the many emotions i've bottled up throughout my life

Levi

I kin Leviathan and i have very bad anxiety. i have a difficult time making friends and part of that reason is bc im scared they already hate me or want nothing to do with me. I know my interests are different from what is considered the norm but i so desperately want to talk and ramble about said interest for hours to someone who will at the very least listen. I get bashed about the things i like by my family and although i dont show it, this hurts me deeply. I lock myself in my room and indulge myself in my favorite things bc each character makes me wish i had certain aspects of them and makes me wish i lived an interesting life but bc of my anxiety it's extremely hard for me to do so. Im also used to being the last one picked and often assume i will always be the last one picked no matter how many times im reassured and deep down i want someone to relish in my own interests with me and truly love and care for me

Satan

I kin Satan and i have a horrible realtionship with my father. I Loathe my father and the tension arises every time we a near one another. A part of me feels terrible that i loathe my father because i know he has his own mind and emotions and i want to forgive him for what he's done but in the end I know it's fruitless to forgive him bc he has put me through alot of pain and hurt. i wish things couldve been different and we couldve had a normal bond. I also hide my emotions very well and am ashamed of ever feeling angry bc it makes me feel like i am horrible person. im also not used to affection and have only ever seeked or felt genuine affection from my pets. I also fear as if i have no personality and that im boring.

Asmodeus

I kin Asmo and i feel like i need to act confident around others in order for them to like me because im too scared to show people my insecurities because i fear they will never view me the same again and leave me in disgust. I want everyone to like me and I also can't handle when someone doesn't want to be my friend or doesn't like me bc i feel if there's something wrong with me. the need to act confident and cute all the time makes me oblivious to the fact that my insecurities shine through at times and make me even more oblivious to the fact people like me for who i am, insecurities and all

Beelzebub

I kin Beel and i have some form of sepreation anxiety towards my favorite person. i often get a sudden fear that something bad will happen to my fav person even though everything is ok. I get made fun of or scolded by my eating habbits and it makes me feel absolutely terrible because i'm trying. i also care very deeply for my family/friends and will do anything for them. i place unnecessarily guilt onto myself and perfer to do so, so that no one else has to bear the burden.

Belphegor

I kin Belphie and i act as if nothing matters but i secretly am very worried and care alot about my friends/family. I also stay up very late because i feel like i have no control over my life during the day and for some reason i feel like staying up late gives me some kind of control. I also hide my emotions with a sarcastic tone and usually think about the the mistakes ive made in my past while i cry in bed. i dont ask others for help emotionally and i want someone to care and listen to me as well as to relish in a calm peaceful life.

/Undatables/

Diavolo

I kin Diavolo and i fear that telling ppl i care about them isn't enough to get the message across so i constantly gift people things in hopes to show them i care. i also fear gifting things too much drives people away from me, i also dont get included much with friends and feel as if i have done something wrong. i also feel very upset when a fun time is over because the feeling of happiness goes with that moment, so i constantly throw little parties and whatnot to relish in the joy but feel upset once it's over. i can also read people well and get put on edge or very cautious when i cannot read someone

Barbatos

I kin barbatos and i constantly take care of others never once letting myself take a break. I hide my emotions behind a smile in order to not worry others and because i dont want dont ppls sense of depency on me to be ruined. i rarely let myself take breaks bc i fear that i wont be there for the person i care about when they need me.

Solomon

I kin solomon and i usually supress my emotions to hide the fact im not very used to being shown affection and that im not as confident as i seem. I also am a very private person but the fact im so secretive makes me disliked by some bc they think i dislike them. i also wish my friends would include me in more events with them and when they dont i bury myself in an activity to hide the fact im upset about it

Simeon

I kin simeon and i want to know and make sure they everyone is ok. i know just how to push and pull people's buttons but i wont abuse this because i care about those people. i'm also very hard to read and perfer to give people advise rather than answers to their problems. The constant taking care of others makes me forget that i also need time to just myself. It takes alot and i mean alot to anger me but once it happens it's not very pretty.

Luke

I kin luke and I want to take care of everyone and often forget to take care of myself. People often dont take me seriously and so i often i find myself baking as a coping mechisim bc it makes me feel in control of little things. I also have a hard time admitting that i care about others and i'll unknowingly show my affection that i do care about them by giving them little gifts and advice. im also very oblivious to certain topics and are i get mad when i get left in the dark about certain topics.

284 notes · View notes