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celestialrry · 3 years

Text

i’m sorry

2.4k

summary: Harry dates you because he knew you were interested, and well, he needed a good fuck.

warnings: Mentions of sex, a bit of fluff, a whole lotta angst, and a shitty ending

“Stop!” You laughed as Harry blew raspberries on your bare tummy. It tickled profusely and there were no signs of him stopping anytime soon. You kicked your legs in an attempt to shake him off, but as he had been doing this from your left side on the bed, you truly just ended up moving the down comforter around. He just pushed up his t-shirt that you were wearing further up to your chest and blowing more raspberries on your skin.

Your head fell back in laughter and smiles and you then felt his lips move off of your body. When you stopped laughing, you looked to your stomach to see Harry resting his arms and head on it, looking up at you with a dimpled grin on his face. “What?” you asked, smiling at him.

“M’just so lucky to have you s’all.” he mumbled, not breaking eye contact.

Your cheeks heated up and you bit your lip in an attempt to stop the biggest smile from reaching your face. “I feel the same, lover-boy.” You said, reaching down to play with his hair. He simply planted a kiss on your stomach before closing his eyes as you continued to mess with hair, relishing in the calmness of your morning.

You weren't living with Harry, the two of you had yet to say those three words, and the two of you barely got time off of work, but when you both had time off, it was domestic bliss. You had been dating for a little over 6 months, and you wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Today, he was having a few friends over and you were going to visit your friend who had come to London for a work trip, and she just had one free day.

After a few minutes had passed, you stopped running your hands through Harry’s hair and you swore you heard him whine. “I have to go back home and get ready.” You said softly, dragging your hand through his curls one last time before sitting up in his bed. He slowly got up as well, planting kisses to your nose, cheeks, and lips before rolling out of bed, and you did the same.

You slipped on the sweats you had come over in, and hesitated taking off his shirt. “Wear it t’day,” He said, looking at you before looking back to his closet. “What?” You asked. You knew he enjoyed you wearing his clothes around either yours, or Harry’s respective home’s, but in public? “Wear m’shirt today, that way it’s guaranteed y’come back here tonight, and then I can take it off you.” he said, smirking at you. You just laughed a bit and rolled your eyes before putting your bra on underneath the shirt. “Always so cheeky,” You grinned before slipping on your jacket. “So you want me over tonight?”

“Always want y’over pet, but yes, can y’come around 9ish? That way y’can meet some of the guys but not have t’be around them a really long time, y’know?” He asked, taking some trousers and a sweater out of his closet, laying them on his bed.

“Yeah, sure H, I’d love that.” You smiled, walking over to give him a kiss goodbye. You bit the words “and you.” back and opted to just kiss all over his face before reaching his lips. You felt him smile into it and you did too, pulling away. “I’ll see you tonight, bye!” You waved back to him walking out of his room. “See you, love! When y’get here, just walk in!” You yelled back a “Got it!” before leaving his house.

By the time you had driven home, gotten ready, and met up with your friend Lorelei, it was around 1 p.m.. The two of you sat in a nearby coffee shop, catching up and talking about your lives, and of course the topic came up about relationships. “So,” She said your name. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“Um, yeah actually, he's really sweet and we've just had our 6 month anniversary a few days ago.” You said, smiling, thinking back to the surprise dinner he had made you. Obviously the two of you hadn't gone public yet, and only your families knew, so you were hesitating on whether you should tell her his name or not when she asked.

“Edward.” You said, deciding on using his middle name. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Lorelei, but you didn’t trust her friends, or the people in this cafe who could overhear. She simply nodded in response, taking a sip of her tea before you asked her about her love life. The conversation extended from there, and you were happy she didn’t prod anymore. The two of you went to go get lunch until she had to go to a late meeting, and you went home around 4, passing the time by making dinner and reading.

Soon it was 8:45 and you decided to start driving over, there was no harm in being a bit early. By the time you got to Harry’s, it was a few minutes before 9 and you let yourself in, just like he had asked. As you shut the door and made your way to the voices in the living room you heard your own name. You should have walked in there, not stopped and listened, but who wouldn’t be curious to what Harry would say, when asked how the two of you were?

“It’s good, not what I planned on to be honest.” You heard your boyfriend say, and your brow quirked up at his response. What did he plan on, you thought. “Y’mean being in an actual relationship?” You heard a voice you didn't recognize ask.

“Yeah, I mean you all know I just wanted a good fuck,” He said, and your eyes widened. “It was obvious she liked me, was all over me, so I jus’ started fucking her, and now we had our six month anniversary a few days ago, so it wasn't how I really wanted things t’go, but she’s cool.”

Your chest clenched at his words and your bottom lip began to tremble. He used you because he could tell you were interested, then proceeded to use you, and stayed with you because why? You were a good fuck, and cool? Not wanting to be embarrassed anymore when you weren’t there to defend yourself, you walked away and left his house silently, driving yourself back home and sending him a text explaining your absence, not like he would care.

Pretty tired today, I’m just gonna stay home, but I hope u had fun with ur friends!

Almost immediately he responded which just made your heart break a little more.

:( You sure? I can come by yours instead and just sleepover?

You sighed at his words. You knew he just wanted to have sex now, his secret was out. It couldn't stop you from wondering that if you just held out for a couple weeks would he leave you? You pursed your lips at your own thoughts and shook your head.

I’m about to fall asleep rn haha, I’ll drop the shirt off tmw before work, night H.

You put your phone to the side and decided not to check it when you heard the buzz, and instead drifted off, thinking about how the relationship you built with Harry was based purely off of sex, and not a mutual like for each other. When you woke up the next morning to your alarm around 8:30 you hit snooze on your phone and your eyes came across his text to you.

Ok angel, I’ll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams <3

As you decided not to respond and get ready, you couldn’t help but think about how annoying it was. Why was he acting so sweet when he knew he wouldn't be getting any today? Eventually you had to push that thought to the back of your head and you grabbed his shirt you had worn and folded it before stuffing it into your bag. You drove to Harry’s house which was coincidentally on the way to your office, and quickly walked up the stairs to his pink door. You knocked and almost immediately did the door open, revealing a shirtless and pantless Harry, only brief-clad and with a smile on his face.

“G’morning pet.”

You smiled at the nickname and started to dig through your purse. “Morning H.”

You held out the Rolling Stones t-shirt and when Harry didn't make a move to grab it you got confused. “You should keep it, I just wanted an excuse t’see y’today.” He admitted, his cheeks flushing. It took everything in you not to yell as you pushed the shirt in his hands, and his cheeky smile diminished a bit. “I have to go, but just take it for now, yeah? I’ll see you in a few days when you’re done recording.” You said.

“Okay love,” He said, leaning in to kiss you, which you swiftly swerved and you ended up with a kiss on the cheek instead. “I’ll see y’soon.” He said, holding the t-shirt loosely, and you could practically read his thoughts based on his face.

“I’ll see you.” You smiled, turning around and hurrying back to your car. He watched you drive away without a single glance back to him, and he couldn't help but wonder what had happened in the mere hours of yesterday and today. Usually you wouldn't leave without a kiss, especially when it would be a few days, but you had left today with nothing, and dipped out on him last night.

He shook off his thoughts and went to continue getting ready, ignoring the way the shirt smelled just like you, now. You went to your office, and he went to the studio, texting you every break he possibly had, of things that reminded him of you, or just saying he missed you already. It wasn't out of the normal, he had been doing this for months and only now did it ignite a flame in your chest. How dare he want you for just a fuck, but continue to lead you on like this? It was torture, you were sure. You hadn't responded to any of them, unlike what you would usually do, and it was making him miss notes and be particularly antsy.

When your shift ended, and you responded with an overall “Haha, so sweet.” He had had enough. He hit all the notes and was done in just a mere 30 minutes, and the next destination was your house.

You had changed into your pajama pants and a t-shirt when a knock was heard at your door. You were confused, but opened it regardless to see Harry standing outside your door.

“Harry?” You asked, letting him in and shutting the door behind the two of you. “Is everything okay?”

He shook his head and answered with a simple “No,” before sitting down on your couch to which you did the same. “Is everything okay?” He asked you instead, green eyes meeting your shocked ones.

“Everything’s fine.” You shrugged, still confused on why he was here. “No, is everything okay with us, I mean. You’ve been ignoring me all day, and this sounds terribly desperate, but I didn't see y’last night, and y’left this morning without a kiss.” He elaborated. You truly weren’t ready to have the conversation today, and would find any way out of it. “I was working H, it wasn't on purpose.”

“It never stopped y’from replying before, but what about everything else?” He pushed.

“I was tired, I told you.”

“But I just don't understand-”

“I actually did come over last night. When you asked me to,” You interrupted him. His eyes widened in shock. “I didn’t hear you, didn’t see you either.” Was all he said. “Probably because you were too busy talking about how you got with me for just a good fuck and how you used my feelings towards you for your advantage.” You snapped, scooting further away from him on the couch. You could tell he wasn't expecting that and when he was silent you took this change to say more. “And, I knew I shouldn't have stayed and listened, but when I heard my name and someone ask how we were? God, I was expecting a different fucking answer, but I wish I didn't stay back to listen.”

“Love, I am so sorry. Y’don’t understand, it was like that at first, the first couple weeks at most, but then I got feelings for you, and I wanted more with you.” He said, his hands fumbling together.

“Certainly didn't sound like it.” You retorted.

“I promise, I promise it’s not like that.”

You shook your head, tears welling up in your eyes. “I was-god Harry, I was actually falling for you. I was going to tell you I loved you soon, because I already knew I did a few weeks ago.” You admitted softly, the tears streaming down your face. His lips trembled as he heard your words, he couldn’t believe that he was about to loose you. he wouldn’t let it happen. “I fell for y’too. I want to be with you, I don't want anyone or anything else, please, I just want you. I love you.” He begged, moving closer to you and grabbing your hands.

“Please don’t lie.” You shook your head. “I stopped lying the moment I asked you to be my girlfriend, love. I love you, so much. I was scared, and I wasn't ready to admit it to my friends, much less myself. I wasn't ready for a relationship originally, but then I found myself in one with you, and I wouldn't want anything else.”

His words just made you cry more, and he engulfed you in a hug, his eyes watering. If it was the last thing he did with you, it would be this. “Just,” you sniffled. “Just, I’m not, I can’t have sex with you again. Not soon at least, I love you, but I need to know you aren't using me, I'm sorry.”

He hugged you tighter and shook his head. “I don’t care, I just want you, that’s it.”

And in that moment you knew that maybe things would work out. Maybe.

#harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles boyfriend

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olivia-anderson-fanfic · 3 years

Note

And when dick finds out jason KNEW and didn't tell b/c of the bet. oh man. Can we get a chapter in dick's pov on this? idc where u put it I just really want to read it.

Dick rolled his eyes at his brother’s antics. Honestly, he didn’t really care who Ladybug was. They had more than enough proof that she was on the good side and their little squabble didn’t seem all that serious.

Besides, no one in France knew who she was after her being a hero for four years. Dick wasn’t one to attempt the impossible (he loved things that seemed impossible, but that’s different than things that actually are).

Still, Damian had come to him for help and he was fine taking some time out of his day to research with him.

And what did they find? Pretty much nothing.

The Parisians either guessed her age as 15-21 or somewhere in the thousands.

She had to have come over from France over the past two days but there wasn’t a single person even moderately matching her description who had come over.

Her friend group was iffy. Supposedly she was friends with someone named Chloe Bourgeois, who’d had the bee miraculous for a short period of time. Then again, some footage indicated that Ladybug might actually hate the girl, so that information was useless. All the other heroes she’d worked with were still a mystery.

And her powers? God, don’t even get him started on her powers. Did she know what she was going to summon or not -- sometimes it seemed like it and sometimes it didn’t. Just how far did the apparent invulnerability go? How does someone take a miraculous? How does her outfit work? Why won’t the mask come off? How much did her cure actually fix? The only thing they knew for sure was that she had to participate in a battle for her to be able to use it.

Even Tim hadn’t been able to scrounge up more than rumors.

But Damian still wanted Dick to be there when he confronted Ladybug with the information and question her, and he didn’t really have anything better to do.

Finding her was way harder than they thought it’d be. You’d think someone in bright red would be easy to spot in the middle of the night, but apparently not.

But, eventually, they found her.

She didn’t seem to notice them for a while. She hopped from rooftop to rooftop, drink in hand.

And then she stopped. She took a long sip from her drink.

“What do you want?” She asked. Well, at least they knew for sure she was French. Her accent was still pretty thick.

Dick and Damian looked at each other awkwardly. What were they supposed to say? ‘We tried to stalk you on the internet but it didn’t work’?

She spun on her heel and repeated herself: “What do you want?” Her smile was getting more strained.

Damian crossed his arms over his chest. “Who are you?”

Wow. Smooth. He fought the urge to sigh.

Ladybug grinned cheekily as she matched his posture. “I’m Ladybug, of course.”

He could already tell they weren’t going to get anything of substance from her. Still, Damian was sending him pleading looks out of the corner of his eyes. He brought a smile to his face. “We’ve spent the last few days researching you. We looked up immigration records, plane flights, everything. No one matches your descriptions. You, frankly, don’t exist.”

She tapped her earrings. “That’s ‘cause of magic. It keeps people from finding out my identity if I don’t want them to.”

He blinked and looked at Robin, trying to gauge if this could be true. Sure, metas existed and the internet had attributed her powers to the earrings she wore, but the idea of earrings giving people powers was still kinda odd for him.

Robin didn’t know. Great.

And then Ladybug took a sip of her drink and Dick gave pause. He’d seen that cup before. Pretty much every day, actually. He could ask Tim about it later --.

He was pulled back to the present when Damian groaned and left. He broke into a wide smile. Maybe this wouldn’t be impossible, after all.

He held out a hand to shake. “It’s been nice meeting you. Sorry about my…” He hesitated for a half-second, unsure whether he wanted to say ‘brother’. He glanced at her eyes and decided against it. He didn’t like how intent they looked. Whoever she was, she wasn’t stupid, that much was obvious. “... partner. He’s a bit annoying.”

She beamed as she shook his hand. “It’s fine. It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Nightwing. I hope next time we can get to know each other without him around.”

He chuckled. “Just Nightwing would be fine. And that sounds great.” He gave one last wave before hopping away.

Jason’s phone rang and Dick grinned, glad for an excuse to stop working for even a second.

“Who wants to talk to you?”

He held up his phone to show it was ‘Timberly’.

They both frowned at this. Tim? Calling during work? He must be dying.

Jason turned on his speaker.

“Heya, Replacement, what’s up?”

“Hey, I’m going to take the day off.”

Jason and Dick looked at each other for a long time, stunned. And then they finally processed it. “WHAT?!”

“WHO IS THIS?!”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!”

“ARE YOU OKAY?!”

“IS THIS A PRANK?!”

“Yes, I’m fine. No, it’s not a prank. I’ve met someone --”

Jason laughed.

“-- not like that, Jay -- and I’m giving her a tour of the city. She just got here from France a while ago.”

Cafe person? From France? Dick’s brain clicked and he shoved Jason out of the way to get to the phone. “Did you meet her at the cafe?”

“Yes, I met her at the coffee shop, Dick. What does it matter?”

“She could be Ladybug.”

Tim and Jason laughed at him. Laughed.

“You’re insane. Can I have time off or not?”

Dick fought back his annoyance. Tim was actually asking to leave and he wasn’t going to stop him. “Yes!”

“Please!” Added Jason.

The line went dead. Dick dropped back onto the couch and pulled out his own phone.

How could he bully Tim into bringing (the person who might be) Ladybug over?

He opened up the family group chat.

Idontwantpicturesthatsjustmyname: Guys you will not BELIEVE this

Dick rested his head on his hands as he watched Marinette from across the table.

“So, what do you know about Ladybug?”

Her eyes widened slightly. Whether this was because of the suddenness of the question or because he was right he wasn’t sure.

“Subtle,” Jason said sarcastically. He sent Dick a short glare as if to say ‘don’t scare her off we just met her’ and then gave Marinette an apologetic smile. “Sorry, ‘bout that. He’s been obsessed since she appeared, and most of his research has been a dead end. He’s grasping at straws.”

She relaxed and gave a soft laugh. “I’m too klutzy to ever be Ladybug, you can ask anyone.”

Dick tried not to look too skeptical. He’d purposefully surprised her with a rather forceful hug when he’d met her to see how good her balance was when she wasn’t paying attention. She’d had no problem both staying up and supporting their weight.

He couldn’t tell her that, though.

He groaned. “And I don’t suppose you know who it is?”

“Nope.”

And, just like that, the conversation moved on. Damn it, Jason, can’t you relax for a few seconds so he can interrogate her? Ugh.

Still, he smiled at Tim’s expression as Marinette began to explain exactly how they’d met. Even if it annoyed him that he hadn’t gotten any information, no one could ever pass up on the opportunity to mess with their siblings.

Jason sent Dick a glare as he pulled on his leather jacket. “You want to what?”

“Do a stakeout!” Dick said brightly. “I’m pretty sure Marinette is Ladybug.”

Tim sighed. “So we’re going to stalk my new friend? Great. Maybe this is why my friendships don’t last.”

“C’mon! It’s not like you even have to go, Tim.”

“And let you guys embarrass me? No thanks.”

“She won’t know --,” Jason said.

Tim sighed and put on his mask. “No. Come on. Dick, you owe me a coffee.”

Dick groaned but nodded. “Fine, I’m paying for snacks. Let’s go.”

“For the record, I think you’re stupid,” said Jason as they started to pull themselves up the fire escape.

“Thanks!” Said Dick brightly. “I know I’m right, but thanks!”

Jason laughed quietly. “Suuuure. Wanna bet?”

“Sure. How about 3k?”

He rolled his eyes. “Only 3? Are you really sure?”

Dick scoffed. “Fine. 5k.”

Jason smirked and pulled himself up the last rung and sat himself down on the edge. “Sucker.”

Tim glanced inside and gave sarcastic jazz hands. “Wow. How suspicious. She’s going to sleep.”

“Can’t you guys even pretend to believe me?”

“Nope. You’re insane, dude, the girl probably couldn’t hurt a fly if she wanted to.”

“I know what I saw. That coffee cup was the same one he --” he pointed at Tim “-- brings home all the time. And he saw her get one that day. She’s French and new in town. It’s got to be her.”

Tim sighed. “This feels wrong,” he mumbled. He took a long sip of his drink before continuing: “She’s a civvie, we can’t just watch her.”

“She might be a civvie,” corrected Dick.

His brothers groaned and they all opened their bags of Doritos.

And then Marinette flung the window open and stuck her head out. “Could you guys not do this outside my window?”

Everyone jumped. Tim literally jumped, nearly falling over the side of the fire escape in his surprise. They got into fighting poses on instinct.

Marinette had gone a little pale at the sight of them.

They quickly dropped their guards.

She flashed a weak smile. “Oh, I’m sorry, sirs. I thought you were just guys on my fire escape. You on a stakeout?”

Everyone looked at each other confusedly. Did her accent somehow get worse in the few hours since they met her? Tim looked especially confused by the development.

“Of sorts,” said Red Hood carefully.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes and her accent slipped back towards normal as she spoke: “If you’re staking out, can you…?” She trailed off and her eyes found their way to their Doritos. “Is that really all you’re eating tonight?” She asked, her lips falling into a frown.

The three all looked at each other.

“I mean... yeah, it’s stakeout food,” said Dick.

She clicked her tongue. “C’mon,” she waved them inside and began walking to her kitchen.

They all shrugged as they stepped through her window. What did it matter?

Dick snooped around her apartment with his brothers. He didn’t really know what he was looking for, just evidence that she did anything shady, but really he didn’t know where she’d hide anything. The place was pretty empty.

‘Damn, you live like this?’ He thought, giving her a glance and shaking his head.

His eyes found their way to her bed and he frowned. She’d set up a fake version of herself with pillows and blankets… but hadn’t she made it seem like she’d gone straight from bed to the window? How awake had she really been? And, if she’d been awake, had the accent been faked? Why?

He raised an eyebrow at the real Marinette.

“There were three people outside my window, did you want me not to take precautions?”

He looked away. Fair enough.

He continued looking for anything, but his attempts were fruitless. He would have thrown his hands up in frustration if he didn’t think that would make her suspicious of their true intentions.

Unable to do much else without making it obvious, he wandered over to watch her bake.

Dick looked the NightMare outfit up and down.

Ladybug sighed. “What?”

Maybe he could get some information on how her powers worked.

“Why is this outfit more intricate than your normal one?”

Ladybug rolled her eyes. “Because I was intending to make it look like a coincidence that I showed up here right after the Ladybug in Paris defeated Hawkmoth,” she said.

He knew she was lying. He didn’t know how he knew she was lying, maybe it was the cadence of her voice or the fact that she had a tendency to keep them as in the dark about her identity as possible, but she was definitely lying.

But he couldn’t prove it.

So he moved on.

She stumbled out of her portal and sent them all a tiny wave. “Salut.”

Dick’s eyes widened and he rushed forward to catch her in case she fell. She didn’t, but he still wrapped her arm around his shoulders to hold her upright. “Christ! What did they do to you?”

"Some sort of tranquilizer,” she mumbled, closing her eyes. “We need to warn the Waynes.”

He tensed and looked at his family, who were anxiously shifting from foot to foot.

“You’re not in any state to do that,” said Bruce, finally.

“I can open a portal.”

A wide smile stretched across his face. Aha! She’d admitted that she had to have been somewhere to open a portal. He had her now! “You’ve been to Wayne Manor?”

She opened an eye just enough to send him a glare. “No, but I’ve been outside it.”

His smile dropped. Damn. That’s a good point. The outside was a pretty popular tourist spot. He sighed.

“You need to get home,” said Tim. “I’ll make sure everyone turns around.”

Dick sent him a slight glare but let go of Ladybug and turned away. As much as he wanted to be right, the idea of watching her stumble into her room while half-awake in order to confirm this made him feel a little sick.

He could figure it out some other time, at least.

Jason dropped Ladybug onto the bed and they all scrambled around her.

Dick picked up a knife and started attempting to cut the suit around her wound and a curse slipped from his lips as it attempted to reform itself instantly.

After a few attempts, he reached for Ladybug’s earrings. He hadn’t even really been thinking about her identity, he’d just been frustrated about the apparent inability to help her.

Her hand shot up and grabbed his wrist before he could touch them. She tried to say something but couldn’t talk above the blood gurgling in her mouth.

He pulled his hand from her grip.

‘Fine, but when you die stupidly it’s not my fault,’ he thought.

He went back to attempting to tend to her wounds through her outfit.

Listen, just because he hadn’t done that didn’t mean that he didn’t still want to know.

He sent a text to Marinette. He’d check every once in a while to see if she responded, but if it took however long Ladybug was out then he would be right.

He stepped into the apartment and was stunned to see that Jason and Tim were already there.

But then he watched Marinette walk over. And she was probably injured, with how hard she was trying to hide her limp. And she clearly knew that he was onto her, otherwise why would she be trying to hide it?

“You’re walking a little weird, are you alright?” He said, a smug grin on his face.

But then Tim came to her rescue. He walked over and slung an arm over her shoulders protectively. “Maybe if you weren’t watching her walk she wouldn’t be overthinking it so much.”

Damn it. He hated it when Tim had a point.

Whatever. At least he’d thought of a plan B. He watched as Marinette’s eyes fell on Robin. She’d never met the vigilante before, so there was no reason why they shouldn’t get along.

And then she was nice to him.

He wanted to kick a wall. Was he actually wrong or was she just aware of what he was doing?

She pulled a bottle of wine from her cupboard. “You guys can all have this, right?”

There, a perfectly acceptable way to be petty. He snatched the drink from her hands. “It doesn’t matter because you can’t drink!”

Marinette raised her eyebrows. “It’s legal in my country.”

“But not in ours! Where you are currently staying! How did you even get your hands on this?”

She shrugged innocently. “You’re more uptight than my actual mom.”

He scoffed. Rude!

So rude, in fact, that he didn’t realize that she had changed the subject until there was no natural way to come back to it.

He stared at the wine in his hands.

Screw it.

Dick glanced at his phone as he received a text.

His eyes lit up at the username. Marinette! Aha! He had her now! It had only been a day since Ladybug was released, surely this was proof --!

Definitelyforgottosleep: lemme in

He frowned. All thoughts of Ladybug were pushed out of his mind at the two words. Was she okay? What had happened?

Chloe Bourgeois? Where had he heard that name before?

A frown found its way to his face as he tried to recall this. “I know you.”

“You do?”

He nodded slightly and scratched the back of his head. “Definitely... so where...?”

Marinette looked a little pale. “Don’t all rich people kind of know each other?”

Dick gave a small nod. “I guess...” He said despite being sure that wasn’t it.

She grabbed both of them by their sleeves. “C’moooon. It’s cold out, we can at least do this inside.”

Dick watched from a bit away, trying to fight back a grin as Marinette and Cass greeted each other.

“Hi,” Marinette squeaked.

Cass looked Marinette up and down. If anyone could crack this case in two seconds, it was her…

And she did.

“Are you a vigilante?”

He fought the urge to squeal. Yes! Yesyesyesyesyesyes --!

And then Jason appeared out of nowhere to tackle Marinette in a hug.

This couldn’t ruin his good mood, though. Nothing could.

“Cass thinks that Mari could be a vigilante,” said Dick with a cheeky look on his face.

Jason and Marinette tensed slightly and looked at each other.

Then, Cass gave a short laugh. “No, wait, I was wrong. Don’t worry about it, Dick.”

Ah. Nothing could ruin his good mood except for that.

His smile dropped instantly and he groaned. “Dang…”

Dick looked between Marinette and Tim with horror. Ladybug had confessed literally hours ago and here he was dating Marinette? What the heck? Sure, they were cute together, but that was just cold. Couldn’t he have waited a few days at least?

It didn’t even occur to him that maybe the whole ‘Ladybug confessing’ thing could be linked.

When he’d turned on his comm, he hadn’t expected anything much from it.

“The bug’s been bugged,” said Cass.

“She’s been what?”

“Bugged. Someone bad found out her identity and now she’s got a bug.”

There was a silence as this sunk in.

Then Dick was yelling. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SOMEONE FOUND OUT HER CIVILIAN IDENTITY?!”

“Damn, Nightwing, didn’t know you cared so much,” said Tim, who sounded a bit on edge.

“WHY DID THEY GET TO KNOW BEFORE ME?!”

“Because everyone gets to know before you,” said Cass calmly. “You’re officially the last to know.”

“IM SORRY?! EVERYONE KNEW?!”

“Yep.”

He couldn’t believe he’d been betrayed like this, especially by his own family.

And so he questioned them.

Tim had apparently figured her out the second day and not said anything about it because ‘her identity clearly matters to her, she didn’t even know I knew it until a little while ago’. Damn him. Dick couldn’t even get mad at him for that.

And then Jason was next. He’d apparently found out when Marinette had gotten shot. He’d given the same reasoning as Tim, which was more than a little suspicious.

Bruce was next. He’d found out on the Wayne Manor cams and hadn’t said anything because he thought everyone already knew. Ouch.

Duke said that he had just found out when Marinette had touched her comm. He got a pass.

And then Cass said she’d found out the moment she’d met the girl. Dick had suspected that, considering the conversation they’d had on Thanksgiving, but then he’d questioned her on why she hadn’t told him and…

“Red Hood and Marinette didn’t want you to know, so.”

Dick was practicing breathing exercises. It didn’t work, though. “WHO IS SHE?!”

He had a strong suspicion he knew, considering Jason had kept the answer from him, but he wanted to hear it directly from someone.

Jason attempted to steer the conversation away: “Hey, so about that bug thing --.”

Whatever attempts to save his wallet he was about to make was ruined by Cass, who simply said: “Marinette.”

Let’s just say Jason was lucky that Dick was against murder.

He was not, however, against cursing him out for the entire family to hear.

~~~

When you have to read 44 chapters of your own fic to answer a prompt--

I probably missed some things, too. I put a lot of little things in

#satisfied #maribat #submitted prompt #the dick grayson chapter #this is lowkey called identity crisis but shhhhhhh

163 notes · View notes

satoruvt · 4 years

Text

the color of you - blue (6)

ITS HERE. I HOPE I DID WELL. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT AKDSHKFJSDH

pairing → keigo takami x reader

word count → 3213

summary → you’re not really dating, so you can’t really be in love with him... right?

song inspo → hell of flying by jeremy zucker, cassette by demian, a lil of bugbear by chloe moriondo

this chapter → y/n comes to conclusions, keigo’s a dork, tension, a fight, crying.

So it’s been… strange.

Or rather, it hasn’t been strange at all, which makes everything even more strange, somehow. You feel like things should be so much different, but they’re not. You reached a wild conclusion that threw you for a fucking loop, made you sit in your kitchen at Angel Cakes and contemplate what the hell you were going to do about anything that would ever occur to you from here on out. Sometimes you almost ask Keigo how things haven’t changed at all, since you’ve decided that you like him, but then you have to stop yourself from saying anything because, oh, right, you haven’t told him.

You don’t plan to, either.

It’d just mess everything up, wouldn’t it? To say “hey, I know we’ve been fake dating for like two and a half months now but I’m kind of liking the idea of really dating you”? Kinda fucked. Not to mention, from a professional stance, what if it ruins your guys’ chemistry when you’re being watched by the entire world? If someone finds out that the whole thing is fake - regardless of your feelings - it means Keigo’s public image and your entire life at the bakery. Everything would go to shit, and after it’s burned down, you doubt you’d even have Keigo.

So you’re not telling him. You’re in love with one of your closest friends, who you are also fake dating, who is also the Number Two hero in the country, and you’re not telling him how you feel. Yes. Okay.

You’ve had a lot of time to reflect about your own feelings, because after Keigo left to fight that villain the other day (and after you managed to get off the ground and clean up) you were sure it was a heat-of-the-moment thing. Yeah, he looked pretty, and there was something dreamy and domestic about laughing and throwing baking ingredients at each other, so maybe your heart just got confused.

But you’d called him to ask if he was okay (instead of a usual text) and he’d picked up the phone and laughed and your heart had not done that before. Not with Keigo, not on the phone, and not like that. And usually his pet names amused you, but he’d called you “sweetheart” over the phone and his voice was tired and drawled a bit. It made you dizzy. You said goodbye pretty soon after that.

You’re barely walking up the stairs of your apartment complex when your phone buzzes in your pocket. Butterflies (and moths, a few) erupt in your stomach when you read the name, and then immediately die when you read the text itself.

keigo baby 🐦

Do u want to have a playdate with me 👉👈 I could come over if ur mom says its okay

Why him? You think to yourself, swallowing the vomit in your throat and fishing your keys out of your bag to unlock your door. You text back when you get inside, throwing your belongings on the nearest surface.

y/n

don’t ever talk to me again

keigo baby 🐦

Is that a yes??

y/n

….fine, but if u ever use those emojis again i’ll break up with u. legally

keigo baby 🐦

baby no!!!!

You throw your phone down onto your sofa before flopping over it, letting yourself sink into the cushions for a moment. It takes no more than ten minutes for Keigo to be at your door, letting himself in without so much as a knock. You know that it’s technically your doing, since you didn’t lock it when you came in, but you still whine at him about it, and he mocks you jokingly.

It seems he either senses your tiredness or didn’t have anything in mind to do anyways, because all Keigo does is lift your legs up from where they’re sprawled out on the couch and sits down in their place, letting them flop back onto his lap. He adjusts so his wings aren’t smashed against the back of the couch (or, at least, not as much). You move your feet off of his lap.

You’ve come to really appreciate days like this, where you simply bask in his company and he does yours. As much as Keigo is nonchalant about his lifestyle, you know it’s exhausting for him to do what he does every single day, and then to have to talk to people (fans, reporters, anyone). He doesn’t need to say anything for you to know. And, well, if you can give him a moment of comfort -

God, no, stop thinking like that. You can’t afford to think like that right now.

The two of you talk, occasionally sharing posts from social media and laughing at dumb little cat videos (there was one that was five whole minutes of one of the guys from that k-pop band being compared to cat pictures and it’s the most wholesome thing you’ve ever seen to date). Before you know it, it’s been a few hours, the sun just fully covered by the distant mountains. The sky cools down in purple and blue hues, dressing up for the night to come. You and Keigo are laughing over old vines, and in your mind you think that it really couldn’t be that bad for this to be every night instead of just… some nights.

At the end of the compilation Keigo groans out a lingering laugh, stretching his legs out as best he can without hitting your coffee table. You stand up, feeling the need to move around as well, and walk towards your kitchen for a drink. Keigo stands after you but doesn’t move, letting his wings flex and stretch from being contained for so long. You get a glass of water, lift it to your lips just as Keigo lifts his arms above his head and holy fucking shit, his stomach -

Tummy! the tiny voice in your head squeals, but the hornier one screams at the top of its lungs ABS and honestly you don’t know what the fuck to do and neither does your body so you choke on your water. Keigo startles, eyes wide, and with a mumbled “holy shit” makes his way over to you as you cough and sputter over your sink.

It takes a minute, but you eventually come back, eyes watery and face red for multiple reasons. You take a deep breath and Keigo rubs your back, eyeing you, which only makes the entire situation worse.

“Jesus, are you okay?” He asks, and you nod, but you can’t look at him.

“Yeah, uh,” you clear your throat, blinking a few times. “Just… went down the wrong pipe, I guess.”

Fuck.

You barely recover from seeing a sliver of Keigo’s stomach, and the memory haunts you for days. You attempt at willing it out of your brain, try to tell yourself that you just didn’t see it at all, but your heart is strong as hell and refuses to let your head forget it. You think about it multiple times a day. You think about it for at least twenty minutes each time. You think about it until Keigo texts you a little less than a week after it happened.

Your phone buzzes on the counter in the kitchen and you finish up your bread dough, putting it into a bowl gently and setting a timer to let it prove. Once your hands are effectively clean, you open the message, letting yourself scoff.

keigo baby 🐦

Just finished a photoshoot, could really use a donut right now :/

Attached to his message is a picture of himself, and honestly, he looks really fucking good. It takes pretty much everything in you not to collapse and die. God.

You look up a picture of a donut on Google - they sold out today, and you are not going to make one just for Keigo - and send it to him. For my hardworking fake boyfriend, you send with it. Mostly to emphasize fake for both of you. Yourself especially.

keigo baby 🐦

Fake??? :( sweetheart, u hurt me

Your mind stops working when you read his text, so you leave him on read.

The next time you see Keigo in person is when you’re contemplating whether or not you should keep… hanging out with him.

The contract only has a little over a month left, so it’s not as if it’d be that hard to deal with… besides, it’d be easier on the both of you when this whole thing inevitably ends. You don’t see yourself being able to be around him without thinking about kissing him over and over. Not now, at least. You hope it changes. You hope it’s a weird phase or something.

Keigo texts you and invites - demands - you over (his excuse is that with the hero conference coming up soon many of the smaller heroes are taking care of villains and giving him more time off) and honestly, if you’re really gonna try to stop talking to him as much, this could be your goodbye or whatever. Also, he mentioned wine, and you need to get drunk. Like, “give me an entire bottle so I can cope with the idea of falling for you because I know that you don’t feel the same and I am simply trying to ride out the rest of this “relationship” so I don’t ruin our dynamic and chemistry while we’re being watched by literally the entire world” drunk.

Yeah. It’s been a rough few weeks.

Every time you go to Keigo’s apartment it reminds you of just how broke you are, but you suppose the apartment itself is fitting. It’s definitely modern, but it holds the clutter of Keigo’s personality - blankets strung everywhere, LED lights, a poster of Endeavor hung up in his closet (but you’re sworn to secrecy about that, you pinky promised). When you knock on his door he doesn’t answer, and it’s a good minute and a half before you get a text that says “it’s open, come in” and you sigh, because again, why him?

He’s sitting on the couch, and when he sees you he smiles like he didn’t just refuse to open the door because he’s too lazy. “Well, if it isn’t the love of my life,” he says, and for a second you can fool yourself into believing it’s genuine.

“I’m just here for the wine, dude,” you tease, and he mocks offense at your words.

“Ouch. Mid-relationship rejection.”

Nonetheless, Keigo gets the wine himself (selective little shit) and two glasses, pours each of you one. It isn’t long before you’ve had at least three glasses but no more than five, and you’re maybe, perhaps, a little drunk.

Keigo is, too, so you’re not really alone, but he’s talking about something Endeavor did like he’s the greatest hero in the world. It makes you smile, just a bit, but then again, you’re usually sentimental when you’re drunk, so maybe it’s just that. Or maybe it’s because you like him. It doesn’t really matter now.

“Hey, Kei,” you murmur when he’s done with his story. He hums, takes another sip out of his glass. “What happens when this is over?”

You look at your feet, scrunching up your toes inside your socks so you have something to look at. Then your eyes move up more, to the top of his coffee table, and then finally they land on him, and he looks gorgeous. He always does.

Keigo blinks once, twice, then shrugs, goes back to his wine. “Dunno. I hope we’re still friends, though,” he says.

“Friends? You want to be friends?”

You’re drunk. You should go to sleep, or go home, or something. Talking is not something you should be doing.

“What?” Keigo asks, but more like he didn’t hear you rather than he didn’t understand, so you take your chance, even through your hazed mind.

“Nothing,” you say, swirling the wine in your glass. “Forget about it.”

And it seems like he does, because when you wake up on his couch the next morning with a killer headache and he stumbles out of his room with a groan he doesn’t mention anything about it even when he talks about everything else.

Keigo texts you a few days later, a picture of him posing with another wine bottle.

keigo baby 🐦

round 2??

The picture is cute. He’s smiling, all lips and curves and blonde hair and tan skin. He’s dressed in sweats, you can see, but he still looks like a model. It makes your heart sink and fly at the same time.

y/n

can’t, sorry. have to stay late at angel cakes. i’ll see u at the hero conference tho

He doesn’t text you for a while after that.

The conference comes quick, and before you know it you’re in another hotel suite, getting makeup done. It doesn’t take as much dressing up - your dress is shorter this time, less formal, your makeup less extravagant. You don’t feel nervous, not like last time, but you don’t necessarily feel comfortable either. Your makeup artist is different this time.

It takes a considerably less amount of time for you to get ready, and you stare at yourself in the mirror before it’s time to go. Your dress is beautiful - blue, royal, deep and light at the same time and gorgeous. Simple, too, nothing too out there. When you step out of the hotel room you notice Keigo’s still in his hero costume, but you suppose he has to be. You don’t match with him like you did last time.

There’s no banter, no teasing, no compliments. The ride to the venue is quiet. Keigo sends you a look at one point - a “tell me what’s wrong” look - but you only shrug, offer him the best smile you can, which apparently isn’t convincing, because he frowns when he sees it. You wish he wouldn’t frown so much.

The conference is short, but maybe you’re just distracted. An usher walks you to your seat at a VIP table and it seems like you sit down and then it ends. You clap for Keigo, smile like you’re endlessly proud of him - and you are, even if it doesn’t show that well tonight - and watch him make a scene becuase that’s what he does. He winks at you at one point during the night, while he’s talking into the microphone, and you know it’s for the publicity. The conference ends significantly earlier than the awards show, however, so you don’t have to stay in the suite for the night.

The ride back to the suite seems shorter than the ride to the venue and it takes you maybe twenty minutes to wipe the makeup off of your face and take off your dress. You walk across the hall to Keigo’s room, knock on the door. He answers.

“Okay, I’m gonna head out, I’m feelin’ kinda tired,” you tell him with a small smile. “Just wanted to say bye.”

“Let me walk you home,” he says instead, and your brain yells at you no!

“No, it’s fine, Kei -”

“Please. I want to.”

He’s never said that before, and a part of you knows you wouldn’t be able to say no to him even if he hadn’t, so you nod and let him follow you out of the hotel and to your apartment. The walk is silent and it makes you feel uneasy but you can’t really do anything about it, not with what you’re trying to do, so nothing happens until you reach your apartment.

You know where this is going, even if you don’t want to, so you take a deep breath, hold the door open for him so Keigo can come inside. He looks at you weirdly for a moment but then enters your apartment, standing in the junction of your entryway and living room like he’s uncomfortable. You let him, then walk to the kitchen for something to drink.

“What’s wrong with you?” You ask, eyeing him suspiciously.

Keigo scoffs. “Shouldn’t that be my line?”

You know he noticed - it’s impossible not to, but you didn’t think… you didn’t think he’d call you out on it. Your pause is evident, but you pretend like it didn’t happen at all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say.

“Yeah? Wanna rethink that, sweetheart?”

The almost-malice in his tone when he says your usual pet name startles you, and when you look up at Keigo it seems like it startled him, too, doe-eyed and looking at you. You shake your head, walking out of the kitchen and into the living room behind him to throw your things down, try to pass the message to him that this is not good. “You’re wrong,” you say.

“I’m not - I’m not wrong, Y/N,” he says, turning around to look at you. “Every time I see you it seems like you’re pushing me away, like you’re not here, and I don’t know if I did something, but I -” he pauses, runs a gloved hand over his face and you want to tell him that it’s not his fault, but that would lead to you telling him everything, and you can’t. “I miss you.”

His voice is broken. When you speak again, your voice sounds like his, but somehow worse. Smaller. “You’re wrong,” you insist. You know he’s not.

“I’m not,” he pushes back. “I’d like to think that in the months we’ve been -”

He stops himself, and you take your opportunity. “That we’ve been what? Dating? We’re not dating, Keigo, we both signed a fucking contract to benefit your public image! This is nothing!”

You have no idea what you’re doing. It’s not nothing. It will never be nothing.

“You think this is nothing?”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you know for sure we’ll still be friends when this is over.”

He can’t, and he won’t. You’re trying really hard not to cry, but it hurts to fight with him like this, and it hurts that you think you’re falling in love with him, and it hurts that if you tell him it’ll ruin everything and it hurts, so a few tears slip out anyways.

“Y/N,” Keigo says, and his voice is so soft. You want to melt into him, but you shy away when he reaches for you. “Please just tell me -”

“I can’t do this anymore,” you choke out. “I can’t - I’m - I’m calling it. I’ll send my lawyer if you need anything but I just…”

You can’t even look at him. Has he always been so far away?

“Get out, Keigo.”

It sounds so cold, so unfamiliar, coming from your mouth and you half expect another person to have said it entirely. This isn’t you, this isn’t how you and Keigo act, this isn’t… this isn’t it. There’s a pause, like he’s waiting for something, but then you hear him sigh - practically feel him deflate, and then he walks out of your apartment, door shutting quietly behind him.

It’s so quiet when he’s gone.

You take a deep breath, walk back to your bedroom, curl into yourself on the bed, and cry in the blue light of the sky left behind by the sun.

#GUYS I LOVE ANGST I HOPE I HYPED THIS UP ENOUGH #AHHHHHHH #bnha x reader #mha x reader #boku no hero academia x reader #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero academia imagine #my hero academia imagine #keigo takami x reader #takami keigo x reader #hawks x reader #bnha hawks x reader #hawks bnha x reader #keigo takami imagine #x reader #reader insert #imagine #tcoy #the color of you

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cinnonym · 3 years

Text

christmas magic's brought this tale (to a very happy ending)

Written for Day 10 - Game Night / Movie Night of 12 Days of Christmas @supercorpbb

Read on AO3

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 13 hours ago

My (25f) crush and best friend (27f) chose a lesbian classic for movie night, how do I react?

Disclaimer ahead: I haven’t used reddit before and am thus not very fluent in etiquette and formatting, but please bear with me because I am seriously overwhelmed by the current situation and would appreciate all forms of help. I’m also typing this in a hurry, because I’m supposed to be in the bathroom, so please excuse typos or inaccuracies. I’ll try my best. But now, without further ado, here goes:

I (25f) have been crushing on my best friend (27f) pretty much since the day we met. For context, that was two years ago, and while we started out on a business relationship, it evolved into a close friendship almost right away. This is mostly due to her, I must admit. She’s the most open-minded person I know and simply couldn’t be “scared away” by my bad reputation (which I inherited). Needless to say, I’m very grateful for her. She’s not only my best, but has also been my only friend for quite a while, before she introduced me to her inner circle. I unironically owe her my happiness (and my life, several times over, but that’s unrelated to this story).

I’d fallen in love before I realised what was happening. Usually, trust and affection come slowly to me, but her I loved almost right away. That’s simply who she is, a person one cannot help loving. Also, she’s very attractive, side note. I used to flirt with her sometimes, in the beginning, before I became aware of the depth of my feelings (this is awkward to talk about, btw, thank goodness for anonymity online), and back then, it seemed like she wasn’t all unresponsive to my advances. Then again, she isn’t very good at saying no to anyone, because of who she is as a person, so maybe she was only being polite? I’m not sure.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend then, and I had to come to terms with my feelings, so I sort of drew back a little. I’d been with women before, so that was never an issue, but I’m uncertain whether she has ever considered women. Her sister is gay, and she is very supportive of her, but we’ve never talked about how she feels. As far as I know, she’s only ever been with men though. Either way, I’m not in the business of making moves on taken people, so I mostly focused on fostering our friendship.

The thing is, as long as I can be close with her, I am sort of okay with being “just friends”. I mean, isn’t close friendship like a romantic relationship, just minus the romance? And minus the physical advantages (although she is a very cuddly person, so that’s nice). And, like, of course, I’d like to mean more to her. Of course I’d like to take care of her every day when she comes home, cook her dinner, listen to her worries, massage her neck, kiss her goodnight. Of course I’d like to be The One to her, just like she is The One to me. But considering that she’s probably straight and not interested in me in that way, I’m mostly okay with just being her best friend.

Or, I was mostly okay with it. But recently she’s… been acting differently towards me. She’s giving me these long glances when she thinks I don’t notice (I do). She’s going out of her way to make sure I’m fine and don’t work too much (it’s a tendency I have, especially pre-Christmas). She’s told me she’s been working on my Christmas gift almost all month (and I can’t for the hell of it guess what it could be). She’s even invited me for Christmas with her family (since I don’t celebrate with mine).

And now today, she chose the film Carol for movie night (movie night is a weekly thing we do, I should have mentioned that earlier, maybe), which is, as you might know, about a lesbian relationship. And I don’t know what to do.

She claims to have chosen the film because it was on a list of Christmas films (and I suppose it does have christmassy vibes), and because it “sounded fitting”. Sounded fitting?? What is that even supposed to mean? She doesn’t know I’m gay, so it can’t be that, unless she somehow figured out. Is she gay and this is her way of telling me? And if so, how do I react? Is this her letting me know she’s interested in me, or am I reading too much into this? Did she even realise this was a lesbian film??

Anyway, she’s calling from the living room, so I need to go. I’ll try to take another bathroom break halfway into the movie, and I’d appreciate it A Lot if I had some reactions in by then, because I’m panicking a little here. Thank you all!

Tl;dr: my supposedly straight friend chose a lesbian film for movie night, and I don’t understand her intentions behind that.

(P.S. She and her boyfriend have broken up months ago. She’s currently single.)

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 11 hours ago

UPDATE to this post

First of all, thank you all so much for your quick replies, they’re really helpful. As you might have guessed, I managed to negotiate another bathroom break mid-film (though my friend is currently sulking on the couch, she didn’t want to let me go? :) ?) and am, once again, typing as fast as my fingers will allow. Much has happened.

I’ve mentioned that my friend is a very cuddly person. Today was no difference – as soon as she’d pressed play on the film, she’d already enveloped me in one of her bone-crushing hugs (she’s very strong). Normally, I let myself sink into these embraces, because she really is a phenomenal hugger, but today my speculations were so prevalent in my mind that I could hardly breathe when our bodies touched.

(She noticed my reaction right away, and immediately asked if I’d rather not hug (to which I replied a vehement no), and this really isn’t very important to the story, but I wanted to let you know.)

As the film progressed (largely unregarded by me, I must admit), I noticed several things about her behaviour that seemed odd, though:

One, her heartbeat became considerably faster as soon as Carol and Therese had met on-screen and it became clear that their relationship would be the focus of the film.

Two, she’s been side-eyeing me a lot more frequently than usual (she tends to watch me watch films if she knows the plot already, but considering she probably hasn’t seen Carol before, this seems out of character for her).

Three, and this is… I don’t even know how to feel about this, but… how do I formulate this best… When the sex scene was playing, I swear she looked at my cleavage and blushed.

I’m sort of ecstatic (because those are hints, right? I can’t be the only one to think that those are hints?) but also very very VERY worried that I’ve totally misinterpreted the entire situation. Then again, all of your comments sound incredibly hopeful and affirming, so I guess I’m not entirely wrong in my assumptions?

I need to go back now (I’ve been here way too long already), but I will definitely keep you updated. It’s so heart-warming to see how invested all of you are!

@everyone who told me to kiss her already: if she keeps this up, I just might :)

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 1 hour ago

UPDATE! All’s well that ends well!

Hey everyone, I am so sorry for the late update. I ended up being… somewhat busy last night.

:) :) :)

So, long story short, we’re dating now. And yes, I did kiss her (or she kissed me, I can’t remember exactly. We somehow kissed each other simultaneously).

Long story slightly less short, because I see you hungering for details in the comments (and my now-girlfriend said you deserved to know), here is how it went down:

We didn’t even finish the film. We didn’t even resume the film, after I returned from the bathroom. Because when I did, giddy and ready to Do This, she wasn’t even looking at me. No, she was looking at her phone.

Now, I’ve never seen a person look at their phone with an expression quite as shocked as hers. She was, I’m not kidding, completely frozen (and if you knew her, you’d know that doesn’t happen often).

So naturally I rush over to her, worried as can be, thinking something bad happened, a catastrophe or maybe an accident in her family. And as I kneel by her side, and she still hasn’t moved, I happen to see what she’s been reading on her phone screen.

And it’s reddit.

I’m not gonna lie, for a second I thought it was all over. I mean, she’d obviously recognised us in my post (so much for anonymity everyone, the internet is treacherous), and judging by her expression, well… I assumed the worst.

But then she turns around and she fixes me with this incredibly cute stern stare she has, and she goes: “[My full name]. Have you browsed the relationship tag even once?”

And I shake my head, completely dumbfounded of course, because what does that have to do with anything. But apparently it plays a crucial role, because apparently you all know my girlfriend.

Her username is @supergirlssupercurls and she’s been posting the entire journey of our friendship/romance on this platform. Turns out she loves me too.

She’s also told me to end this with: and they lived happily ever after.

(Let’s hope we do).

#supercorp #supercorp fanfiction #sc fanfic #sc #supergirl #christmas #christmas fic #mini fic #my writing #movie night

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jamesvanriemsdyk · 4 years

Text

it's loving my friends hours, folks

hi so. i hit 1.5k a bit ago and while i dont want to do a follow forever (did one for 1k, it took so fucking long), i do want to like. talk about my friends! because i love them. so here we go, time for emo hours here at james jamesvanriemsdyk dot tumblr dot com

to all of the people ive met and talked to in the past few months: i am so grateful to have met you. i am so grateful to be your friend, whether we talk every day or not, and it is such a huge fucking gift to know you and be known by you. i would give you all a little paragraph but then i would get out of control and this post would never end because i have a lot of fucking love in my heart okay??? i love yall a whole hell of a lot ( @goaliehugs @farfrombucky @andrewcogliano @couturriere @brockmcgrinn @boesersson @steadyfreddie @nicolasaube-kubel @alexvass @beauvilliers @girouxes )

to all the mutuals i see in my notifications a lot (and the ones i dont), the new followers and the old ones, all my super sweet anons, anyone who’s tagged a post with a lovely comment or who’s messaged me with sweet words: thank you. for just like - existing in the same timeline as me, and being wonderful, and choosing to be kind even though im a clown. i love you all a lot.

to @heckeyleague @iceburgh87 and @assistantcaptainmitchmarner : im so grateful we still talk, if only every once in a while, and if only through streak snaps. it’s been, what, how many years? four? more? i look forward to snaps of your pets and the little glimpses of your lives i get every day. i love yall to pieces.

and here we go:

@fireworksatdawn : hi jayc. its, like, really hard to believe that ur essay comments on my fics led to this but - im really grateful. just, really fucking grateful. youre so kind and so loving and such a wonderful presence in my life and im so grateful that once c*vid has died down, we’ll, like. be able to see each other? fucking wild. thank you for all the fic convos and the tswift tiktoks, and the memes when im sad. i love you a ton, and im so, so glad you’re my friend. shoutout to philly as, like, a concept for giving me all the emotions i needed to write my heartbeat fics. (im still emotional about the fact that you tell me ‘its late for you, go to bed’ every time i stay up past 10pm. its the being known for me <3)

@pencilhoarders : my favorite flyers art witch. what an incredibly kind, talented soul you are. what a beautiful heart you have, really and truly. i love listening to you talk about your ideas and seeing your art process, and i love that your mind works like mine does, and that we really do understand each other. i love that you’re going after your dream and i know you’ll be incredible at whatever you decide to do post-grad - you’re simply too amazing not to be. thank you for sending me those anons about the canes what feels like forever ago; i am so fucking glad i get to call you my friend.

@majorpenalty : you are, without a doubt, one of my most favorite people ive ever met on this site. your life is fucking wild and you are so funny and kind and resilient, and i never want to not be your friend. i love losing my mind with you for five to eight hours on zoom, i love just being able to just exist with you even though we have half a country between us. you are so intelligent and strong and lovely, and you deserve every single good thing in the entire world. thank you also for sending me those wild ass anons, and for sending me all the videos of you singing trap bunny bubbles and tswift on snap (we have the yellow heart now uwu) and for just - being there and understanding. you are so brilliant and i cant fucking wait to watch you continue to grow and succeed. i love u so fuckin much.

@softgrantaire : hi, alex! kiss the cats and your baby for me and tell your husband i said hey. also, sorry in advance for how long and sappy this is about to be, because im already choked up thinking about it! so: i would not be the person i am today without you. its been a literal month since we became friends, but i literally have never felt more immediately loved or accepted by anyone in my life. you are, probably, the reason i felt comfortable enough to change my name in public; youre the first person i told i was deeply uncomfortable with my name and you changed it immediately, without fucking blinking, and i knew trans friends hit different, but i didnt realize how different it would hit til i met you. and its not just that, either, its the kindness and the trust and the mutual respect, and the pics and vids of jules and the cats all day, its being genuinely excited to see your name pop up on my phone screen, its the voice messages on my way home from work and its the sound of you laugh and the comfort that exists in the little space we’ve carved out for ourselves. i love being your friend, and i love that you’re my friend, and i want us to be that for a long, long time - ill always be the nolpat to your g. i love you so fucking much, dude.

@codyglass : ngl, i typed your url and just like - froze, for a minute. because like. how do you talk about a friendship like this? how do you put it into words? how do you describe all of the laughter and the tears and the years we’ve had together? its the kindness for me, its the communication and comprehension for me, its the unconditional love for me. there isnt a place i feel safer than our friendship; there isnt a person on earth i love like i love you. thanks for all the late nights, all the massive fic concepts/outlines we’ll never write but always find solace in, for all the nolpats roasts, for all the hockey tears and all the real life tears too. for listening to folklore with me for the first time when it dropped, for understanding when i couldnt turn it off for weeks after, for getting the days i send you 30 messages in a row and the days i cant get out of bed. it’s so fucking insane that we’re friends, still - how fucking incredible is it that i met my best friend, who lives 1846 miles away from me, through fucking hockey of all things? youre the best gift life ever gave me, and its such a fucking blessing to be alive at the same time as you, much less to be your best friend. i love you to the moon and to saturn.

#aaaaand im crying lmao #follow forever #kinda? its loving my friends hours babey #j.txt

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lovedcult · 3 years

Text

happy birthday to the bestie @summerlost 💗💭 !!!!!!!!!!!!! jia. 🙈 what a crazy year it's been. all these memories we've made together. girl you crazy 😫but im not even about to put all that on tumblr 😂. congrats on another trip around the sun, im so proud of you ❤ love u girlie see u at the club LMFAOO😂❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉

( jk ur real bday message is under the read more ilu HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABEY )

literally me preparing this message just hours before ur birthday but i was determined to have it ready by the time it hit midnight for u so HERE I AM HELLO 🤍 going to try and make this letter heartfelt and cute because we never say things like this to each other but u really have become such an important person in my life in such a short time u just mean very much to me and i really do want you to know just wonderful and special u are to me !! we have only known each other ?? like 5 months ? is that right ? girl idk but within those 5 months we have managed to talk to each other like every single day except maybe 2 days isn’t that so crazy ? so i want to thank u for always keeping me company and crying over txt with me and just being such a warm source of happiness in my life, it really has been so wonderful to get to know you and to be ur friend 🤍

going to list some things that you’ve done for me that maybe you don’t know you’ve done for me but you deserve to know .. i know i said i was gonna get mushy here but good ness .. anyway it’s so nice to wake up to messages from u everyday and to go to sleep after talking to u all day and knowing that i will have a friend whenever i need it like fr i don’t know how we do it because i am usually so bad at communication rip ..... it has just always felt so easy to talk to you and we clicked right away and there was never a moment of awkwardness like there can be when first meeting someone which thank god . i’m more comfy with u than i have been with some friends i’ve known for 5+ years and i think that says a lot about our friendship as well as you as a person. we talk literally all the time and it just makes me so happy, i look forward to talking to u every day 💗 whether its about our ships or personal lives or random shite or my godson pumpkin it never matters to me, i am just so happy you are here and that i get to know you

did you know i like never listened to taylor swift before meeting u ? apart from that one time i saw her live in concert when i was like 12 but i don’t even remember that NSNSNSN but i’ll have you know the songs you’ve showed me are special to me now and i enjoy listening to them and she will now forever remind me of u! i have a tendency to try to get into things and like what my friends like so just know whenever you show me stuff i will file it in the heart shaped jia folder in my brain and keep it there forever. literally no matter what it is. tht goes for pacrim too that was so random but i became obsessed with it right after u showed it to me and i’ve actually watched it twice more after we watched it together <3 speaking of, i hope we can have more movie nights together or just cute lil kosmi dates in general because they are so fun and we have a watchlist piling up already so we should crack that open when we can … whenever ur nawt busy being a doctor or whatever

reminds me; do u remember that time i panicked because i ate burnt chicken nuggets and u told me i was gonna get c*ncer ? girl fun times NMDCNBJSAKFJSFJSDV just so you know i WILL be directing any of my future health concerns to u because i might just break otherwise bc i don’t know how to survive and we don’t want that i don’t think so glad i have a smart sexy big brain friend like u in my life

i hope you have a wonderful wonderful wonderful day today which you just might because it’s also txt comeback today ( u fuckin lucky bitch i cant believe they are obsessed with u ) you deserve it so much !! you work so hard all of the time and i know school can be stressful as well as life but i really am so proud of u because u are doing great things and it will all pay off. u are never alone through any of it either so when it gets too hard u will always have me beside u !!! promise !!!! i love u lots !!!!! even tho ur a gemini !!!! but ur my gemini !!!!!!!

also want to mention how just WONDERFUL it has been writing with u omg ??? we have 11 official plots going on rn as well as a bunch of unofficial ones and it has just been the loveliest experience getting to write and ship with u with every single one of them and it’s just been so fun. u are such a talented writer and u put so much effort and thought into all of ur muses which i immensely applaud u for. you should know this already though considering i am vocally in love with all of them ( when jungjae finally d words i will be coming to sweep up sooyeon i really dont care what u have to say its out of ur hands ? let it go ) … jia best rp partner .. i’ve never had a writing partner that gets so involved with our plots the way you do with me and shows the interest that you do and it means so very much to me, i feel very lucky and im forever thankful u messaged me the day u did and introduced urself because i am a scared bitch and probably would have just admired u from afar on the dash instead <3 i hope we can have 327234 more plots and ships in the future because u have managed to make each of them so special.

i feel like this letter is so all over the place but am i gonna go back in and make it prettier ? naur because im a mess writing it so ur getting the full heidy emotional love spill experience .. this is the first bday im spending with u so i had to write u this & let u know just how much u mean to me . literally thinking abt u all the time and am always hoping u are happy and having good days on the other side of the world <3 ur just that wonderful. thank u for being my friend beyond the rpc and i hope the future can bring us even closer together !!!! i love u so much stinky ( with affection ) stay sexy ......... <33333

us btw

#IDC IDC IDC ITS JIA DAY 🌷💭💗👭💌#IF U SEE THIS PLS GO SAY HAPPY BDAY 2 HER ...#this is an official holiday #sorry for tht drawing she is nawt an artist just a jia lover 🤍 those are frogs btw #this is so messy n i wanted to say so much more but :(#i hope u know u just mean the world to lil ole me!!!!! love u bff #perry to my doofenshmirtz #should this b ur tag ? 🙈

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 4 years

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were lonan and harrison in a relationship? could you ~maybe~ share a romantic (as romantic as them two can get) excerpt between the two of them?????👀👀👀🥰

OH so u want the tea anon, I shall SERVE. This will probably make more sense if you have context on the series (which I briefly summarized HERE) but I’ll try my best to add context as we go. Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the entire relationship! TW: this relationship is a little toxic, so tread carefully, mentions of trauma, blood, also lots of old, sorta cringe writing in this one!

1. The initial phases

The boys have had a very complex relationship from the start. At the time, I was very young, so I hadn’t sorted out sexualities for any of my characters, and over the years, they’ve all progressively come out to me, which has been a really wonderful experience.

Lonan is introduced 1/3 way through book two, when the series was still very YA dystopian. When he appears on the page, he’s been Harrison’s coworker in the ~~government, so they know each other well. They’re also nemeses. They dislike each other fiercely, but it’s kind of endearing. Clearly they have a history no one knows about (including myself), whether that’s as friends, enemies, both.

At the time of meeting, both boys are in relationships of their own, Lonan with his first serious girlfriend Holly who is Foster’s (Harrison’s best friend) sister, and Harrison with his first girlfriend, Margo, which always didn’t work (because! Harrison! is! gay!).

2. Getting warmer

In book three, the boys still hate each other, but with even more passionate vengeance. Harrison is angry at Lonan because Lonan keeps ruining his life (does this sound familiar) and Lonan is mad for no reason (does! this! sound! familiar!). This is the book where Fostered’s protagonist, Reeve, finds out Lonan is actually her half brother, and this very much changes the dynamic between Reeve and Lonan who go from trying to kill each other to ~~bonding, which by proxy, changes the dynamic between Lonan and Harrison because Harrison is essentially an older brother figure to Reeve. They’re kind of forced to make some form of amends in this book, but don’t become allies until 1/2-3/4 through.

Big tea is that they take a solo trip together and this is where I first hint at the SHIP (ft. Harrison’s very kind nickname for Lonan: Loner). The squad discussing romance:

“Really Foster? With Loner? Oh my god, out of all of the guys in this world, you paired me up with Loner?”

“Yeah, well why not? You both seem awfully close–”

Foster on Lonan and Harrison’s relationship:

“You guys are practically a married old couple. You even have nicknames for each other…”

3. Making progress

In book four, the boys have amended their destructive relationship, somewhat, and are kind of friends! Between books three and four, we can assume they’ve gotten closer as Harrison seems to know things about Lonan’s past that even his sister doesn't. I’d say they have a pretty productive friendship at this point. Lonan, however, starts a pretty intense romance with a woman named Glenne who reappears in Feeding Habits, and Harrison finds a dog! This is really becoming too similar to what’s happening currently oh! Here’s the first moment where I began squealing at this ship:

The both of them lie on their backs, staring straight up at the ceiling. Blood pools from Ris’ nose, slicing his cheek in two. Lonan’s eye is black, tears still seeping from them in slow, agonizing lines. They don’t look at each other. They don’t speak.

But when I look down, they’re clutching each other’s hands, so tightly, the blood between their fingers drips to the floor.

THE SHIP THE SHIP THE SHIP

4. The ship?? is it sailing??

In book five, the boys seemingly have gotten even closer! The boys have a lot of one-on-one time before the start of the book because they create an entire underground empire together lol but Lonan’s mental health has taken a dip for the worst as past traumas from book four follow him into book five, and Harrison is a big support. Their emotional intimacy has deepened, even if they are only friends (Harrison is single and READY to mingle but Lonan’s still in a relationship with Glenne).

Here’s a line where Reeve states “so haha Harrison is the only person who can make my brother feel better”:

I’ve brought Harrison with me. Not because I don’t trust Lonan, and what he’s capable of, but because I think, out of every one of us, he’s the only one that can get through to him when he’s like this.

I mentioned Lonan’s mental health is not doing great, and at its worst point, Harrison goes out of his way to do the difficult task of tracking Lonan’s mother, Izzy, down so that he can have more support. He pretends to reach out under the guise that he’s actually Reeve:

“Don’t tell him,” Harrison breathes, running a hand through his hair. “The last thing I want him thinking is that I gave enough of a shit to actually, I don’t know, care about him.”

“But you do, don’t you?” Mom laughs when he only flushes deeply, taking a final sip on her tea, which must be nothing but lukewarm at this point. “Seriously, Harrison, right? You two are such teases with one another. You bicker like a married couple.”

5. Harrison says I love you:

(it’s in a funny context but STILL)

“See, this—this is why I love you, Lonan.” Harrison says, swipes the tears from the corner of his eyes with the heel of his palm.

“What did you say?” Lonan asks, and not even biting his lip is enough to stop the goofy smile that peels across his face. “Did you just use the L word?”

6. This ship has come to a halt??

At the end of book five and the beginning of book six, Lonan and Harrison are not on speaking terms. This is because everything seems to go wrong for everyone at the same time. Harrison keeps secrets Lonan wishes he hadn’t, etc. Lonan and Glenne’s relationship falls apart and no one is happy.

Here’s Reeve saying Harrison’s heart is broken over how badly he feels for Lonan and that loss of friendship (SOFT):

I always wondered with Harrison and Lonan, if it were possible to have your heart broken over love that wasn’t romantic... Harrison’s heart broke over Lonan’s torment.

Reeve explains the state of their relationship:

Lonan and Harrison haven’t shared a word since their fight. But we’ve all had duties to tend to, so they’ve still been forced to interact, but even then, it’s radio silence. Sometimes there are glares and scowls involved, but other than that—nothing. It’s the longest they’ve gone without talking, as far as I know. Ris and Lonan might have had a similar conflict when they were co-workers, but from what I’ve witnessed of their relationship, this is more than just a warning sign.

The two make amends after a few weeks of not talking because mutual friend of the squad, Darren, calls Harrison to be like “haha so Lonan and Reeve are disasters please help” and so their reunion is kind of forced:

[Harrison] knows [Lonan and I are] standing there. The involuntary twitch of his ears, the tense of shoulders when the weight of both our stares pin them down. He knows. But he doesn’t look up. He keeps his attention fixed on the bubbling eggs in front of him, the old red spatula that now misses its spot in the cupboard.

Lonan immediately takes a step back, almost knocks me over in the process. It’s not shock, it’s not anger, it’s nothing. Just a passive jolt that makes him clench his jaw, and pull himself together. His eyes, as usual, are safeguarded, prepared to launch back any form of advance.

“You guys gonna stand there for the next hour, or what?” Harrison turns as he says that, and it’s a sting, yet relief when he looks at me first, and not Lonan. “Seriously, you can talk if you want to. It’s not gonna bother me. You look lovely, by the way.”

Silence, but around the skin I peel off my lip with my incisors, I say, “Thanks.”

“Actually,” Ris unzips his jacket, throws it over the back of one of the chairs. “I was talking to him.”

At this point, we feel a few things: a) Harrison is done with Lonan and his toxic patterns but still cares b) Lonan feels somewhat suffocated by Harrison’s attempts to help and the relationship, though a little more civil, is still volatile.

Their second reunion again, is inevitable, which Reeve explains as the squad set out to rescue Foster lol:

Lonan’s coming with us too. That wasn’t my call, or Harrison’s, even. It’s mutual, albeit wordless, the agreement we have that we’d rather find Foster without him. Though his motives steer somewhere closer to wanting to avoid pissy attitudes, we both know Lonan’s of no use if he’s injured. And from the looks of his eye that’s gotten worse, crusted in blood, like a leaked pipe gooed over, and the lacerations across his ribs, sewn shut by my unsteady hand, he isn’t ready for a mission like this. But who am I to control him. I’m not his mother.

7. Back on track?

Reeve outlines a false backstory for Harrison’s iconic leather jacket in the 250-word sentence from a few years ago (she’s in Harrison’s room) and we hint at an actual, palpable romance:

...pretend not to have a flask of whiskey hidden behind his headboard, drink out of it when he falls in love and drink out of it when he falls back out of it, meet a boy who will drink half of it with him, who will hurt him, and hate him, who will be pasted in polaroids behind the map he’s tried to cover him up with, who he’ll kiss and take a picture with, sometimes both at the same time...

8. Or not

But when she brings the romance up shortly after, Harrison seems a lil *tense* about it:

“I saw those pictures. In your room. Behind the map? I saw you. You kissed him.”

Harrison’s jaw trembles. Clenched by the joint, skin concave in the bone. Takes another puff of the cigarette but almost bites off the tip. Curls of the cherry wood table catch under his fingernails.

Harrison denies his feelings for Lonan, tho from the above, we’re not exactly sure why:

“You’re wrong.” And then louder, when I don’t say anything. “You’re wrong. I don’t like your brother.”

“Then why are you hiding him from [Emily]?”

From this, we can assume the boys had somewhat of a productive, healthy romance threaded through the end of book 5, and in sprinklings in book 6, though it seems to not be in a very hot place currently. We see flashes of this in the “mini” stories I’ve written about the boys (Lampshade, Fishbowl, and Mandarin).

9. Jump into Moth Work

In book 6, Lonan has a bit of a resurgence back into a bad frame of mind when something bad happens to his sister and he feels he could’ve prevented it. This leads closer to the present of Moth Work as Harrison makes the decision to take him to his father’s cabin on the west coast, a place he hopes Lonan’s mother, Izzy, will be. She is there, but unlike the first time in book 5 where she helped him, Izzy’s a bit far gone with her own problems, namely a drug addiction. Lonan is unhappy at the cabin, tho this decision leads us into Moth Work as the squad, except for Lonan and Harrison, leave the cabin for the east coast.

In Moth Work, the relationship seems to be teeming into unhealthy as both parties (but mostly Lonan) need to work on themselves. The entire book centres on this conflict as a) Harrison tries to help Lonan who is still unwell, while struggling to realize this is just something he can’t do and b) Lonan struggles with accepting himself and also being a better, accountable human.

10. Oh god here comes Eliza

Lonan is so hyperfocused on himself and understanding his traumas that he struggles to prioritize others over himself, even when he doesn’t mean to. This becomes really emotionally exhausting for Harrison, so in ch. 5 of MW, they physically split. Lonan winds up in Las Vegas, looking for Eliza, his father’s ex-girlfriend, and OH BOY does a bizarre, unplanned (for all of us lmao) romance ensue. This relationship takes a nosedive, even in its best parts because its foundation is laid upon mistruths.

11. Harrison is back

In chapter 12 of MW, Harrison, who’s been entertaining a romance with someone else in the interim, appears at Eliza’s apartment to make amends with Lonan who he can’t seem to shake off (he’s a pesky moth haha). This shakes them both as a) Harrison isn’t sure about Eliza and her potential motivations, and b) Lonan, without Harrison, most definitely knows he’s done hurtful things to “better himself” (which is actually toxic).

12. Lonan says I love you

Lonan realizes how important Harrison is to him, and while they both inevitably know their relationship isn’t going to work out, which Harrison hints at, they share a wholesome moment at the “beautiful place” which I mention in MW writing updates:

“You’re not coming back with me,” Harrison says.

Lonan takes hold of the guardian angel, and gingerly, like it’s fragile enough to crumple, brings it to his mouth and kisses it. His lip glints, just as the angel does, in the moonlight. He lets the angel fall, swaying like a pendulum, and pulls his hand back slowly. Quietly, he says, “I think I’ve loved you a long time.”

13. Inevitable split

Harrison makes the decision to not stick around for Lonan because he’s realized it’s actually unproductive for them both to try to make a relationship work in the state it’s in. Structurally, Lonan needs to change, and he realizes that. Harrison leaves Las Vegas to live with his mother and that leads us to Feeding Habits.

14. Where are we in Feeding Habits?

Lonan has been in a strange relationship with Eliza for about six months, and Harrison’s been living with his mother in NYC after a few destructive instances that prompt her to host an intervention. While Lonan learns a lot about himself and grows a lot in this book, Harrison struggles because I really think he’s hurting over the end of their romance. This is truly a hurt bae moment.

TL;DR: Lonan needs to work on himself & be accountable for his actions before he gets into a relationship with anyone, and Harrison has to learn when to keep his emotional spoons for himself and that he can’t control how much he helps someone, even when he wants to. In my head, I know where the relationship ends (happily ever after), but this is just the very, very beginning, so there’s a lot that both sides need to work out before we get there.

Since you particularly asked for a romantical excerpt, the last chapter of MW is under the cut. It’s imperfect but I think it kind of sums up everyone’s feelings pretty nicely.

--Rachel

Chapter 15: Summon Away

He sees Lonan once the next morning. Sitting at the kitchen table over a cup of steeped tea—something floral and springy. Harrison watches him from the couch and can’t remember at what point he fell asleep last night. He’s not sure if he even did—if all he remembers is Eliza leaving, and then a blank wall.

Lonan is reading the newspaper. Every few minutes, he flips the page so new cheap colours and words blot against his fingertips. Harrison doesn’t move at first. It’s easier to watch him. How in the trickle of morning sun, his hair is a damp brown. How his eyes take to that glow, their translucent sparkle.

When Lonan has sipped four times from the mug, Harrison finally rises. No sign of Eliza sounds, and he’s grateful for it. This morning, he knows what he’s doing.

“What is that?” Harrison asks, pulling back a barstool with one hand, while pointing at the mug with another.

Lonan glances up, and the two mutually analyze each other. Lonan’s puckered skin, how morning makes his eyelashes papery, like wings. He wonders what Lonan sees in him—for a moment, it’s all he wants to know.

Lonan knuckles the mug over and Harrison picks it up like he’s holding an eyeball. The tea is hot, though Lonan hasn’t seemed to mind, and its flowery perfume burns Harrison’s throat. Lonan pulls the mug back to him when Harrison’s done, and takes another sip.

“I still have no idea,” Harrison says, and to his shame, studies Lonan’s face for a bite wound.

“Earl grey.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It expired four years ago.”

Harrison gasps, and Lonan almost smiles. And for a moment, Harrison almost forgets where he is. What happened at this counter just a few hours prior. With Lonan, it almost disappears. They could be back at the cabin, needling through the woods on that first day they tried to get rid of the darkroom. They could be in the water, shielding, yet simultaneously pushing each other under. They could be dancing to no music in a tiny bathroom or driving for carless miles in the tarnish of rain. Harrison traces Lonan’s face, each line that etches his eyes, nose, mouth, hair, and he doesn’t stop.

“You’re up early,” Lonan says finally. “Did I wake you up?”

Harrison shakes his head. He clutches the edge of the counter and tries not to tremble. Lonan is pretending to read the paper. He tries to fill in a miniature sudoku game in his head, follow along to headlines, but Harrison knows he isn’t. Through the skin of the paper, Harrison watches him watching him. Harrison doesn’t know what he dreamt of last night. If it was a good dream. If he’d want to dream it again. If he dreamt at all.

“I found this article,” Lonan says, and turns the paper over. It’s not very long, just a small corner of the entire page, but Harrison sees the title, all bolded, Summer’s Dreaded Pesk: 10 Facts About Moths. He leans in closer to read it.

The facts are almost all useless to him—that moths like sweet things, that there are thousands of species, that many don’t eat, but what sticks out to him is the last: how they’re attracted to light. Harrison skims the text with his fingernail, reads something about light traps, and tries not to think of how unfortunate it all is—to move toward light and then stop moving altogether.

“What does it mean?” Harrison’s voice catches.

Lonan doesn’t say anything. They just watch each other, and then the article, alternating until they can almost do both at once.

Harrison looks away first. He inhales, and tries to steady himself, but when he knows he’s going to break, reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the chain. He took it off last night and put it in there, and today, he unravels it carefully. He shoulders off his eyes, and in his palm, displays the angel. Its crystals beam in the sunlight that hits them both, and though it misses a jewel, has never looked more beautiful.

He almost says something but catches himself. He knows whatever he will say will keep him here, in this sun, on this barstool, reading the newspaper about moths, sitting next to Lonan, drinking his tea, never knowing what flavour it is. Harrison inhales, and on his exhale, unclasps the chain and drapes it around Lonan’s throat.

When the angel hits Lonan’s chest, a sound comes out of his mouth that Harrison thinks is almost animal. Harrison’s hand lingers on the back of Lonan’s neck when he clasps it, feeling the pulse of Lonan’s heartbeat, even from all the way up here.

Lonan clutches the angel when Harrison pulls back, and he doesn’t let go, even when Harrison rises.

“I’m going to grab a pack of cigarettes,” Harrison says, speaking to the ray of sun next to Lonan’s face. “Is there a gas station around here?”

“Just up the road.”

“Do you want anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

Harrison nods. Then he steps back, away from the kitchen, and slips his shoes on, one by one, more carefully than he’s ever done before. He knows Lonan looks at him. He knows what’ll be in his eyes if he looks up—and so he doesn’t. Harrison checks his jacket pocket for his car keys, and when they jangle, he turns toward the door.

“How long?”

Lonan’s voice makes him jump.

“Pardon?”

“How long will you be gone?”

Harrison frowns. “I’m just grabbing a pack of cigarettes.”

Lonan is the one to nod this time. He’s such a pretty sun baby, golden and capable.

“Before you go,” Lonan says, and closes the newspaper so it sits as a square on the counter. He doesn’t continue. All he does is gesture Harrison forward, his fingers weak as they curl twice—a beckoning.

Harrison takes a step forward. And then another. He doesn’t move closer than that. His head pounds; his heart bleeds too much. Lonan meets him in a place he won’t go, stepping out of his seat so they both stand in a patch of light that makes the dishware in the glass cabinet sparkle. Harrison says nothing when Lonan puts a hand on his cheek. Pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear, connects the dots of his freckles in a quick sweep because he’s done this before and knows exactly where they are. Harrison says nothing when Lonan kisses him. How his lips taste like the tea—a flavour he’s already forgotten, but that he knows. He doesn’t move. He just lets him touch, and touch, until he’s finished, until the lack of his mouth on Harrison’s finally feels like he needs it back immediately.

“A pack of gum, maybe,” Lonan says, and wrings his lip between his finger.

“A pack of gum.”

Harrison steps back. The sun is getting brighter now—it lights the kitchen like the lace on a doily, a warm glimmer like being underwater at dawn. He leaves the apartment without his angel, and keeps going, even when he wants to turn back.

***

Harrison buys the pack of cigarettes. And then the gum. And then he finds his mother.

She isn’t hard to locate. A quick question at the checkout counter, and he finds out the apartment complex near the public garden is only a fifteen-minute drive away.

It’s just as he pictures it. A white building, with a white lobby, the bricks white, the carpets white, the tables white. In little places, there are bits of gold—lining the keyboard the security guard types at, on the edges of every window so it’s only visible when the sun flashes.

In his hand, he holds a bouquet of roses from the convenience store. They’re cold and wet, and dampen his palms, but he clutches onto them in the elevator. When he gets off, he navigates through the hallway until he reaches her door—217.

He hesitates before knocking. Something in his heart is missing, and he knows exactly who, but he knocks anyway, two quick taps that he’s surprised she hears.

When his mother answers the door, she’s still wearing her pajamas. And they aren’t the pajamas he’d expect her to wear—no silks, laces, tank tops, fuzzy slippers. Instead, she’s in a too-big trucker t-shirt and a pair of wearing sweatpants. He doesn’t know why this comforts him. Or why this makes him cry when he hands her the roses.

He is swept into her apartment in a cloud of tears and he lets them fall as he collapses on his mother’s welcome mat. She smells like coffee, and clementines, and he clings to her when she holds him, when she pats his hair, his cheeks, his neck, the clamminess of her what he feeds on.

“It’s not going to last forever,” she says as she pats him again, on the floor with him now, crying with him now. And he repeats this: it’s not going to last forever, it’s not going to last forever, and he doesn’t know if this is supposed to be a good thing.

***

His mother has a balcony too. At it, they sit together, mostly silent, though Suzanna comments on the madeleines she unboxed for them to try ever so often, as if their flavour changes, though it never does. He can’t remember what he explained—it feels like so long ago that he arrived, even though it’s been less than an hour. He doesn’t know what he knows, if Lonan knows his trip to the gas station is going to be prolonged. His words were a woven mess when he spoke to his mother, of their messy love, of the unknown tea, of the moths, of so much more with that kiss.

Now, his mother massages his hand absently while paging through a book. He doesn’t know what book. It could say encyclopedia or academia, or amnesia—he can’t read it. She peeks at him too often, but he revels in it, the worry there, a care he doesn’t know how to handle, as if it’s fragile and wrapped in moth wings. Ahead, the city crumbles, and he can’t stop the pictures he sees in the clouds.

His mother reads. Harrison watches. A father and son down below, who take turns walking their golden retriever. A food stand vendor that hands a stack of checked tissues to a mother wrangling four small children. A couple who take photos in front of a cherub fountain, how he can almost hear the mechanical click of their camera from fifty feet up. Something stirs inside of him, at the thought of Lonan back in that golden apartment, and he only realizes what it is much later, when his mother is heating up something spiced and leftover in the microwave. The feeling like being buried alive and wanting to do it again just so someone can pull you out. A loneliness he sucks on until his mouth sores.

#asks #mothwork #fostered #feedinghabits #writing

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oghoneytryst · 5 years

Text

savior;

continuation from the sunflower. series / part 3

where a fan becomes a friend

a/n: thank u for being so patient with this. my inspiration and writing just ... hasn’t been it lately, but I'm really pushing through and i am so happy to have finished this part. honestly, we’ve got a long road ahead of us, but I will try my absolute best to drive this wild ride down.

pls let me know how you feel about this part! pls be nice b/c I'm currently in sad bitch hours :-)

also sorry that tumblr is a weirdo and made the format for text super strange, idk what to do about it but i hope it doesn’t affect anything!

------------

~ Nov. 14 ~

Every digit embodies a shapely mark of intimidation; all ten, with their loops and their curves that shower in iridescence through her late morning eyes. Midnight ink saturates the sticky note’s pale yellow, tiny creases in the square body and little curls at the edges. She knows the value of this ordinary paper, and in her hands, it dances in the flame of eternal possibilities.

The pregnant woman sits on an office chair with desperation in her chest. Beneath the buttons and ruffles of her bright marigold blouse, her heart beats against her clammy skin. Heavy thighs stick to the squish of the chair, a mermaid’s tail in a muted pencil skirt. The material expands and shapes over her little bump; her growing joy; her inconvenient little bundle that she adores so much.

As a result of her punishable overthinking, she tears away the inside of her cheek, gnawing teeth at war by mindless command. In a pile of her worries, the minimal harm is at the very bottom. At the top are these ten digits that transfix her curious eyes. It isn’t as if she hasn’t considered dialing the number before. Insignificant pregnancy whines, however, cannot compare with the favor she would be asking of him now.

Without trouble, she recalls the days that had followed Harry’s visit. She recalls her tears on the couch, angry at nothing, angry at everything; the frustrating changes of her body, the awful work days. In all of her recollections, she complains to her roommate, who she admires greatly for putting up with all of her dramatics.

On the 6th, she had obsessively craved some Dippin’ Dots. It had been on the 6th that Aaron found himself arguing with a pregnant woman, a feat he had never wanted. It hadn’t mattered that such a pregnant woman had been his infuriatingly needy roommate, someone he actually does care for. He really had no trouble telling her no after her incredibly annoying behavior that afternoon.

She, of course, is never able to control her pregnant mannerisms. Yet, Aaron has always been suspicious of what she had been like prior to the bun in her oven. He has only ever known her as a woman-carrying-child in need, so perhaps during this process a lot of her personality hyphens instead of alters.

Nonetheless, her demand had been frankly impossible on the 6th. The nearest Dippin’ Dots is more than a half hour drive away from their home, and nighttime had been approaching soon. There hadn’t been a chance that Aaron would bear through Los Angeles traffic for, quote, “fucking balls of ice cream.”

So, with the fire of the sun drizzling to a bedazzling California sky, she had wept over nothing and everything at once. The timeline of her pregnancy had not made her emotions plausible. Instead, it had been the collective world turning against her on a tiring, unwelcomed day.

In the flash of a second, she had heard the ding in her fuzzy brain. The sticky note with the fruitful digits ... maybe he has some connections! Maybe he can bring us some! Do you think? If he’s not busy? What if he has a special freezer meant for his own supply of Dippin’ Dots?

It had been harmless on her part; an oh-so-bright idea crafted from a momentary desire for soft frozen food. She had been so close to make the call, if not for her dearest roommate and his not-so-delicate intervention. Aaron, the man who she believes admires Harry more than she does. With a high percentage of certitude, she knows he’d be first in line to invite the Cheshire man back to their unimpressive home.

In truth, that had been the reason for his disapproval of ringing him up that night. He believed it to be lunacy, sharp scissors at the ready in order to cut the special ties she had somehow knotted up with Harry. The man’s exact words – in that richly Northwestern accent – had been: “if you ever need something, please, don’t hesitate to call this number.” Something, in Aaron’s eyes, had not been anything. While he does not have a single doubt that the rock star would fly to her rescue in any situation, he advised against calling him for certain things.

Not everyone is so fortunate to have Harry in their lives. Aaron, with all of his respect for the man, knew that this had been a game to play carefully. If his pregnant roommate really enjoyed Harry’s company, she would have to play every card right, especially with a man as reserved as he is.

His points had been compelling, but she had not seen it as seriously. Her intuition had not stopped her from rethinking her decision once and twice and thrice. In the end, she had put her trust in Aaron’s madman words and had not called Harry. In the days that had followed, his charismatic voice lured in the back of her head whenever she scanned the sticky note, second-guessing herself about whether her temptation to call him had been worthy enough of his time.

It had been more difficult to resist calling when she had been alone one unfortunate night. The bustle of the neighborhood brought her to a reality that she did not particularly enjoy. Forced by the comfort of her pregnancy pillow, there had been a magnetic pull of the stars that whispered to her eyes through an overbearing distance.

She only wanted a friend that night. Someone to talk with, to hear their voice so that it could bring her back to the bit of sanity she had left. Previous nights, Aaron had been a solace for her, soft-spoken words lulling her to sleep after suffocating in the clouds for too long. Except that night, he ended up at his workplace until the late hour, and she recognized her loneliness as dangerously frightening.

For hours she cried, wanting a hug, wanting something to make her feel real and existent and safe. On that night, in her most calamitous moments, she later came to notice the vivacity of her swollen stomach. It had been – always is – comforting to feel something there, even without having to actually feel movement. It had been therapeutic to whisper her fears and truths. It had been on that night, she would never be alone again.

She hasn’t thought to call the number since. While it has only been a mere 10 days, there feels to be an infinite timeline of moments in-between. She knows it to be more accurate for him and his busy, ever-changing schedule.

They’d had a conversation last time, when he brought her that treasured gift. He sat on the dusty floorboards, her rested on a heavenly cloud with a smile to match. It had been simple, a little awkward at times, though never once had it felt forced. She feared them reverting back to strangers, to sense the shift in energy that would put a strain on her heart.

She scans the note again. xxx-xxx-xxxx. A dime of kisses, where no other option lies.

With her phone face-up on the receptionist’s desk, she rolls her eyes. Messages of apologies and excuses flood in, though her scant aggression dissolves into an antsy frown. She cannot be mad at Cindy/Sydney for cancelling on her, especially when she does not even know her actual name. The frustration of her anger devolves into frustration of herself, for this damn appointment that she had not set up a backup plan for.

“Excuse me?”

Breaking up with an intense, one-sided conversation, she raises her head to a sheepish man in his late 30’s, early 40’s. He stands at a short height on the other side of the receptionist’s desk, square glasses disguising his truest features.

She grins at him, a cheery delight overpowering her honest glum. “Hi, how are you?” her voice chirps, a shift in her behavior that she considers a skill-set. “What can I do for you today?”

“Uh, I’ve already spoken with you. I have an appointment with Sanders at 10 and you told me to fill out a form. I’m still waiting for it.”

The woman’s smile falters at the man’s irresolute explanation. He ends each sentence as though it is a question, not wanting to step on a wrong foot. She takes in his appearance, and there is familiarity in his rusty red, untucked polo.

“Right.” Her eyes close in repent of her common forgetfulness. “That’s right. I’m sorry.” She scurries to get the papers together on a clipboard, pushing the rolling chair in every different direction. “I’ve just been a little slow today.” The man laughs off the mistake, assuring her that there are no worries.

“Really, no trouble at all.”

He thanks her for the form once it is secure in his hands and walks to the waiting area. This accidentally precedes her rushing to hand him the sticky note, to which she quickly realizes her mistake before he has a chance to read the numbers. He sits down in a modern arm chair next to its twin, where a young preteen girl shifts around nervously. Out of plain assumption, she recognizes the pair as a father-daughter duo. The man smiles at the girl, crossing his legs, trying to console her nerves as best as he can with humor.

The pregnant receptionist smiles.

The ventilated air of the office smoothens in her lungs.

For her child, she would do anything – everything. As hesitant thoughts surge through in hungry waves, she dials the number in her phone anyway. In the back of her head, she contemplates whether it is actually his number or if it belongs to an assistant of his. It doesn’t sound completely off from what a celebrity would do. He doesn’t know who she is. It’s better to play it safe than to make a foolish mistake that he later regrets.

The trio of short, snippy buzzes vibrate through the line. It is an electric feeling, comforting almost to hear its warm murmur during her wait.

“—Hello?”

Her languid eyes illuminate in the mirror of neon signs; her body freezes over with a blizzard of nerves. His voice is somehow deeper than she remembers from 10 days ago, an ironic sultriness in his polite tone.

“Hello?” he asks again with a tad more infliction in the single word.

“...H-Hello,” she responds, tongue running dry and the last sensible part of her brain sabotaging her. Why didn’t I prepare for this? It is feasible that deep in her subconscious, she had expected an assistant to answer. She practically wanted an assistant to answer.

He repeats himself, “Hello,” a little more chirp in the melody of a mockingbird.

“Hi. Harry?”

“Who’s calling?”

The question stumbles her for a second. Is it good or bad that he cannot recognize her voice? Admittedly a consequence on her part for taking so long to reach out. She answers anyway, her name spoken with so much dubiety, but really, what is she afraid of?

“You know, the uh, the one from—”

“Oh—”

“From Mel’s and, the one with ... pregnant, y’know—”

“Yeah!” he exclaims, echoing her name through a mildly static output. “Of course. How are you? Doing alright? Baby’s fine?”

She pulls away from the phone to breathe, suddenly elated over his reaction. His charisma is virtually magical. She touches her cheek to the screen again to answer:

“I’m doing great, thank you. Baby’s fine, I hope.”

A delay of worry replaces his lack of an immediate response. “You hope? Why, what’s – is there something wrong?”

“No!” she bursts out, the father and daughter staring back at her in surprise. She nervously chuckles and smiles at them, deflating in her chair as she continues. “No, sorry, that came out wrong. I meant to say ... well, I’m sure the baby’s fine. Nothing feels wrong, but I do have an appointment for an ultrasound today.”

A faint crackle from the line resonates in her ear. She clearly pictures Harry’s sigh of relief.

“Really? That’s great. I hope it all goes well.”

“Thanks! Thank you, I do too—” she snickers, “Obviously, but I have uh ... there’s a bit of a predicament.”

“Predicament? Fancy word.”

“Right, well, it’s not so much of a fancy situation that I’m in. See, I was supposed to be picked up later today by Cindy Sydney so that she could take me from work to the appointment, but she just called and cancelled because she has to pick up her aunt from the airport. She got the dates mixed up somehow, which makes no sense because pregnancy has made me very forgetful, and even I didn’t get the dates wrong. I think that might have to do with the planner, it does keep me organized, but even then—”

“Darling,” Harry stops her, unaware of how she chokes on her own tongue at the endearment. Darling. Darling again! From darling to love, she is in a storm of beating hearts. “You’re gonna ‘ave to slow down. What – you don’t have a way to get to your appointment, is it?”

“Yes. Right. I don’t have enough for an Uber or a Lyft right now without affecting my budget for next month. She offered to pay for it, that or for cancellation fees, but I don’t really trust those kinds of transportations right now, and I already got approval from my manager, so switching the date would just be super inconvenient.”

“Right. I understand.”

“I’m so sorry, it’s just that no one else that I know of is available, and I don’t want to bother you if you’re busy. I wouldn’t be calling if—”

“No, no, that’s alright. I’m glad that you’re calling.”

The pregnant woman simpers, a needle pricking at her heart. “R-Really?”

“Of course. I would be more than glad to help. If you could just send me the location of your workplace and where you’re getting your ultrasound ... what time is your appointment?”

“At 2. I want to get there maybe fifteen minutes earlier. You’ll never know how much the traffic will back up at that time. Is it okay if uh ... are, are you picking me up or...?”

“Yeah, why?”

“N-No, nothing, I just ... didn’t know if you were busy. Didn’t want to assume.”

“Yeah, my schedule’s fine. Not really doing anything that I can’t do later, so everything’s fine.”

“Oh, okay. Good. Great. So, uh, is it okay if you arrive here at, say, one-oh-five-ish?”

“Oddly specific.” Harry chuckles. “But sure. I can make that happen.”

“Great! Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“You’re quite welcome ... thank you for calling.”

While her appreciation for him has always been so strong, this heavy thump in her pink and red organ is nearly unbearable. Ever since he fell intertwining into her life, she tries her hardest to ignore whatever feelings may occur. Now it seems more ideal to control it than to suppress it.

“You’re welcome,” she speaks softly, 16 again with a crush on a boy. “Thank you for picking up.”

Unbeknownst to her, he smiles on the other end. “S’ my pleasure. Now, get back to work, you over-achiever!” His accent purposely thickens on his second sentence, eliciting a natural, honest laugh. “Don’t forget to send me the addresses. I’ll make sure everything works out.”

Their phone call ends with innocent expressions of repetitive gratitude and gentle goodbyes. The pregnant woman does not waste a second to send him the addresses via text message, not allowing herself to fall victim to her lapse of memory. She checks over the numbers, the street names, the zip codes – all more than once, to make sure that all is well and not in metaphorical flames.

new message: Got it. See you later. H

H. She bites on her silky lip, a refreshing taste from her natural balm. She is familiar with the signoff, though she doesn’t know if it is something he does regularly or if it is only a one-time confirmation that this is, in fact, his number. Does he expect her to save his ten digits in her contact’s list, somewhere underneath a family member and above an old friend? She is giddy, undoubtedly so. An unspoken dream of hers as a plain teenager unraveling into reality! It causes the brightest smile this orthodontist office has ever seen.

So much esteem fills her up at eleven in the morning, and to her expectation, the hours go by very slowly. Alternating clients, each with different lives, somehow bound to this one place and time. Sorting forms and making calls and opening emails; a distraction in one way or another, but neither can steal her attention entirely.

Due to a much-needed bathroom break, she almost misses the message. Relieving her bladder had not been the first or even second of the day, but it is important that she stays hydrated, and this is especially true during her pregnancy. She really cannot afford a preventable trip to the emergency room right now.

When she reaches the receptionist’s desk, the message hides behind the black screen of her phone for an entire minute. She is lucky that her outdated iPhone can still be trusted by reminding her of a message succeeding two minutes from when she receives it.

new message: I’m outside. Toyota Camry in black.

Despite her anticipation for his arrival, the message throws her off any and all guards. Primarily it is because he arrives six minutes before their agreed time, whereas her friends are usually a few minutes late. Secondarily...

“Toyota?” she whispers to herself, eyebrows arching together. She isn’t too up to speed with car models, but she is more than certain that Harry has driven some different sort of vehicles in his time. The only moment she can ever recall him in a Toyota had been that commercial he had done years ago.

Regardless, she raises steadily from her chair on wheels, pushing it back as she collects her belongings. It is without trouble that she notices the slight shake of her hand, the sweat collecting on different sections of her skin. She ignores it. “Ang!” she calls, groaning at the absolute mess of her work bag. It is more professional than her casual bucket bag, wide with its faux leather, but it is just as much of an interior travesty.

She picks up her phone to send a one-handed message:

Conch.

Coming*

Be out soon.

“Ang!”

There is a franticness to her as she steps around the receptionist’s desk. She sports an added height in her footwear, something that she tries to savor before her feet start to swell. She thinks it will be unbearable to wear heels then, but she’s not for certain.

“I’m here, I’m here!” Ang announces, stepping into the light of the front area in her navy scrubs. “Sorry, nena, I had an alarm set for one in case you forgot. Guess it didn’t go off.”

The pregnant woman watches her coworker situate herself on the rolling chair. “No, no, you’re fine, it’s not one yet. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve been able to forget. I’m just so excited, you have no idea.”

“No, I don’t.” Ang smiles. “You’re about to see your child! That’s a huge deal.”

“I know! I know, I can’t wait.”

“I can. Especially until Stefan buys me a ring. Otherwise, I’m going to keep working on my career.”

The woman smiles at her friend, thanking her once more for taking over her station while she is gone. She repeats the same gratitude, expressing how much this truly means to her, because it all comes from her honest heart. She really is in awe of how willing people are to help her when she is in need.

“Also, turn that alarm off before it starts ringing. It makes me anxious every time I hear it.”

“You and I both.” Ang snickers. “You’re off to your appointment then?”

“Yes, my uh, my ride’s here so ... better early than late when it comes to these things, y’know?”

“Mm-hmm. Who’s taking you?”

The pregnant woman hesitates. “A friend. Has the day off from work, thankfully.”

Ang begins to sift through a small pile of paperwork, sparing her coworker a measly glance. She’s not unfamiliar with the receptionist’s work, so she takes this as an opportunity to rest her active legs. She can also recognize the strange tone of the pregnant woman, a shaky smile that carries suspicion.

She doesn’t think too much on it. “Great. Be safe. Let me know how it goes.”

For that, the pregnant woman is grateful. “Thank you.” She smiles, a frail wave in Ang’s direction as she blindly scurries away. ��I’ll see you tomorrow!”

She almost runs belly first into the glass door, but stutters her movements before any panic arises from Ang. Still, she sighs with relief when she hears the chime above her pregnant coworker’s head. “...Be careful.”

“Got it! Bye!”

The woman’s face twists in agony as she exits the office. A tenacious heat buries her in an embrace. Parallel to the sidewalk she stands upon is a dark vehicle, a protective tint rises from the brim of the tires and extends beyond the sleek windows. She gravitates in its direction at the sound of the passanger door unlocking, considering it symbolic, the single click of the door a new breath of feasibilities.

She stalks a couple feet to her right where the car reeks with caution. It isn’t until the passanger windows rolls down that she can sense her blood settle and burst all at once. “Hi.” Harry leans forward at his side, revealing his face amongst the darkness of his surroundings.

“Hey, hi,” she greets him back through the open window. “Good to see you. Nice car.”

“Thanks.” He smiles, scarce eyes pulling to her every movement. In the most mundane activities – fingertips at the door handle, crouching to the seat, buckling the seatbelt – she highlights his curiosity. “Good to see you as well. Also, s’ actually not my car.”

With her lips as barriers around a reusable straw, she pretends to be surprised. “It’s not?” she smacks her tongue, relishing in the purity of her water.

Harry shifts the gear in drive, setting the GPS up and maneuvering out of the lot with high-alert. “No. I’ve borrowed it.”

“Why—”

“Starting route to—” The animatronic voice interrupts their conversation.

She tries again, “Why would you do that?” with slight disappointment in their reunion. It lacks excitement, but somehow picks up where it’s been left off. No longer a drastic stretch in time are those 10 days.

Harry shrugs casually, turning onto the main road where other vehicles swim along. “Draws less attention.” He pauses, to which she then decides to look over. With the exception of him driving, she gets the impression that he avoids her eyes more so to keep her from catching the sadness in his. There is only a sprinkle, a shimmer that is never truly absent. “Thought you’d might be a little anxious about your appointment,” he continues, “Didn’t want you to have to worry about something else.”

“Oh.” She warms up, her organs all collectively combusting. “Thanks. Thank you for thinking of that.” Her words express gratitude with ease, but the glimmer in her eyes twinge with empathy. She doesn’t ponder over her privacy, or how simple it is for her to go out and do as she pleases. Since his 16th year, he had not been so lucky.

“Of course,” he replies, professionally monotone, as though he can shut off even the faintest flicker of emotion. “S’ my pleasure. How are you feeling? Nervous?”

“Uh, yeah, a little. I’m really jittery and I’ve been drinking water nonstop. On top of that, my bladder is the size of a bean. I’m really good at holding it in though, so I’m not afraid of ruining your seats or anything. Or ... not your seats, but your seats for now. Not like ... not that you were even thinking about that...”

Harry chuckles throughout the entirety of her run-on spoken thoughts. It is never at her – no, never. It is because of her, because despite any situation, she is this fountain of goodness drowning in gold. “Very nervous then?” he teases.

“Yeah ... sorry.”

“No, it’s alright. Nothing to be ashamed about. It’s an important day for you. I’d expect—”

“Turn left on—”

“I’d expect nothing less,” he finishes, lowering the volume of his pesky GPS. “Must be surreal, if anything.” The robotic voice is still present, but becomes more of a background noise that allows them both to speak freely.

“Oh yeah, completely. It’s like ... it’s like I can’t feel them yet, like movement wise, but ... I don’t know. I guess ... obviously I know they’re in there, but even without movement I can feel them. I know they’re present, heartbeat and everything. Does this – is any of this making sense?”

“Yeah,” he quips amusingly, “it is. Even if it didn’t, doesn’t matter. It makes sense to you and that’s more than enough validation.”

“Mmm. Right, but it’s still nice to have someone understand.”

Harry sneaks a glance in his peripheral, inhaling and exhaling as to settle into the moment. “I know—”

“In 500 feet, keep right—”

“What was, uh—” he digs into another topic, the robotic voice somehow a savior that refreshes the conversation. “What you said on the phone about ... Sin City, I think it was?”

“What?”

“You said something about being picked up near Sin City? From your work to your appointment? I thought there might’ve been a store or somethin’ near your job, but I don’t think I saw anything like that.”

“Sin ... oh!” The woman laughs, slapping her knee consciously. “Cindy Sydney. She’s my ... well, yeah, I guess she’s my friend.”

“Cindy Sydney?” he repeats, slowly enunciating every syllable so as to make sure he’s got it right. “Huh. Eh ... that airport story makes more sense. Didn’t know who you were talking about.”

“Yeah, my bad. I know I tend to ramble, probably explains why no one calls me anymore. They can’t even understand what I’m saying.”

“I understood!” he proclaims, expression of his pride lacing around his lazy smile. “Yeah, got it now. Cindy Sydney. That’s really her name? Like ... Phillip Phillips?”

“No.” The woman laughs, almost choking on her water. “N-No, it’s ... I don’t know her name, to be honest. One of them might be it.”

“Wh—how do you not know?”

“Okay, so basically, I met her maybe a month and a half ago? Somewhere around two months, I guess. And it wasn’t like this everyday sort of meeting at, say, a retail store or something. Can you believe that one night I wake up to use the bathroom I half-pay for, and this woman who I’ve never seen before comes out, no pants, maybe underwear, and what I now assume to be Aaron’s shirt?”

“Aaron?” Harry questions nonchalantly, as though the thought of him is of half-importance. “What, like a—”

“Yeah, so, he usually never brings anyone home. If anything, he’ll go over to someone else’s and come back really early in the morning. So, picture me, pregnant, really loopy because I have to pee, half-awake mind you, running into a complete stranger in my own home.”

Harry adds dramatically, “In the middle of the night!”

“Exactly! So, while I’m tiredly freaking out, trying to not literally piss myself, she’s apologizing and introducing herself. I don’t know if I heard Cindy or Sydney, hence why she’s both, but it could be neither. Anyway, we ended up talking in the hallway and I told her about my situation and why I was living with Aaron. She was actually really nice and offered to drive me whenever I needed a ride.”

“Hmm. Interesting how that played out.” He shoots her a look, to which she can only shrug. “Why haven’t you asked Aaron what her name is?”

“I did! I think he’s annoyed that I befriended his one night stand because he told me her name was Sierra. Then again, he probably doesn’t know himself.”

“Jesus. Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

“Oh, it’s too late for that. I’ll just be extremely awkward. I really do feel bad about it though. She is a nice person, except for, y’know, cancelling on a pregnant woman. I mean, it’s not a huge deal or anything, but ... c’mon. Would you ever do something like that?”

“Dunno,” he playfully smirks, “Maybe if she forgot my name...”

“I didn’t forget it! I never knew it!”

“I’m joking, I’m joking. But I have noticed that you like to play the, uh, the pregnant card a lot.”

“Oh yeah!” she fixes her position on the seat, pulling the seatbelt to her preferred adjustment. “Not a doubt about it. Coming from a place where no one really took me seriously. I mean, yeah, maybe I was a little dramatic when I was younger, but that shouldn’t invalidate my feelings. Now it’s like ... you have to take me seriously. Not only am I going to raise a child on my own, I’m literally growing said child inside of me. Isn’t that just ... just fucking amazing?”

Harry stops at the red stoplight, which he is glad for, because now he can look over and mesmerize at her. He can see before him a woman who smiles at the window, water bottle between her thighs, hands on her belly. It’s grown a bit, he thinks, and it is truly, wonderfully, unimaginably powerful.

“Yeah,” he silently agrees, “fuckin’ amazing.”

The woman smiles, but her wandering eyes suddenly widen with worry. She holds her hands out, an aura around her belly as she props an inch forward. “Did I...” she thinks aloud, “I didn’t ask you how you were doing today. How are you, Harry?”

She looks at him with features full of soft inquiry. The now green light ever so symbolic, he wonders how magical such a mundane thing must be in the dark of the night. “M’ alright,” he answers, pressing on the gas, somewhat wishing that the drive never ends. “Thank you for asking.”

Her angled feet dangle from her seat on the examination table. Harry sits in front of her on a separate chair, leaning back in a position juiced with supremacy. His index finger taps against his lips in sync with the tick of the black and white wall clock.

“So, you work as an orthodontist?”

She looks to Harry with her body stiff in discomfort. “No,” she answers, noticeably quieter in such a mellow area. “Just at the office. I’m a receptionist. Didn’t go to like ... an orthodontist school or anything. Even if I did, I’d probably still be there. Probably takes a lot of years.”

“Right,” he agrees. “A receptionist, then? Do you like it?”

“Sure. It’s not my dream job, but it pays the bills. Plus, I get along with everyone in the office. They’re like ... my distant second family.”

“Alright...” he gradually begins to smile. “What’s your dream job then?”

The woman shrugs, so quickly that it is considerably sad. “I don’t know. I went to community college undecided.”

“What did you graduate in?”

“Well, I got my A.A., but beyond that I haven’t ... finished. I transferred to the nearest University but after a semester or two I just ... I just didn’t finish.” She looks to her lap where her fingers play with the material of her blouse. Harry discreetly frowns at her dejected expression, an ambience of regret seeping out of her system. “It’s hard enough for people to get a job with a Bachelor’s degree. Competition is high, especially in Los Angeles. I’m lucky as it is with just my A.A.”

“Yeah. I understand. M’ sorry for bringing it up. Didn’t mean to pry.”

Her features immediately shine with worry. “No, it’s completely fine. I’m the same way. Always curious.” She forces a laugh, but the intention is sincere enough. “If anything, thank you for asking, or even ... caring at all. Not a lot of people show an interest in me, especially not after this one.”

She points an accusatory finger to her belly, which he takes as another opportunity to marvel. It is so fascinating to him, as he believes it would be to anybody. This power she holds, the strength she gives off. This strange and endearing woman who he had met by questionable circumstances of fate – she opens his eyes to something he’s not quite sure of yet.

“Anyway, being a receptionist is fine for me,” she continues. “I’m basically Pam Beasley except knocked up and without a Jim Halpert. I mean, she was pregnant twice, but by then she was already married.”

Harry narrows his eyes. “I’m sorry, who?”

“Oh ... um, The Office reference.”

“Ah. Alright. Still haven’t seen it.”

“Finished the series again. At least Pam wasn’t a receptionist forever.” She allows her eyes to wander around the room. “...Thanks for coming in with me,” she offers, meekly smiling amidst a thick, awkward air. “I’m sorry if it’s super weird, they’re probably going to assume you’re the dad, so just so you know—”

“Oh—”

“Just so you can be prepared—”

“Right, no, it’s fine. It’s good. That’s fine.”

“...Really?”

“Of course. I mean ... like, I’m not the father, duh, but it’s harmless. I’m honored to be here with you either way.”

She looks down to her belly, where her freshly painted nails – she’d recoated for the special occasion – search tenderly. “I didn’t ... picture it like this. Not everyone wants to have a baby, or get married, or things like that. But those who do ... you just can’t help but picture it, y’know? You dream about your wedding, what the venue will look like, what you’ll dance to or wear. Or when you have a kid, you imagine that first look. Your first look at your baby to know they’re actually in there, and you can almost see your whole future right before your eyes.”

By now, Harry is in a trance of both comprehension and disbelief. For him, it is difficult to find people in which he can relate his thoughts to; someone he can honestly understand. With the spontaneous flow of his life, he isn’t able to picture the future as he once did at 16. Yet, as her defenseless words spew out, he contemplates the quick flash in his eyes.

She smiles, and though it does not reach her eyes, it is authentic in the purest sense. “I ... wish the circumstances were different. No one ever really wants to picture it like this.”

He doesn’t find offense in her honestly, no matter how poorly she constructs it. If anything, with his entire body and soul, he aches to turn back time. “I understand,” he says, because while she most certainly does not need or depend on the father, she had pictured it differently. He knows that she had pictured herself to be in love instead of broken and built up again. She doesn’t need him, but she wants him, at least a little bit. It is for that that he can never entirely hate him.

“...Except you,” she confesses shyly. “And I’m not just saying that for obvious reasons. If you weren’t here, I’d be alone. I probably wouldn’t even be here. That’s why I’m always thanking you, because it really does mean more than you can imagine. Being alone is fine, I can sort of manage, but ... it’s nicer to have someone with you, y’know?”

“...Yeah.” Harry blushes, failing to cover it up with a cough and a sniffle. “I’m ... I know. I understand.”

The sound of the door unlatching rattles their bodies. “Hi!” the doctor storms in, breaking their moment. The two of them smile, the pregnant woman nods as her name from the lips of the lady in the form of a question. “This must be papa?”

The pregnant woman silently snickers at her oh-so-psychic abilities. She offers Harry a witty raise of the brow, but due to the blindness of her pride, she fails to recognize the cheeky glint in his eyes. As she opens her mouth to deny the doctor’s innocent assumption, Harry chimes in and steals her words. Except, they’re not her words at all.

“Yes,” he announces, his accent supplying to the playful sarcasm of his tone. “Yes, that is me. As Maury would say ... I am the father.”

To say she is shocked ... well, it is not all that off-character. Harry is a humorous man, one that loves to entertain. The statement makes her do a double-take, jaw opening with a single throaty chuckle. He responds with an animated grin and cartoon wink – how can she not play along?

“Right.” She nods. “This is my baby daddy ... Halpert.”

Harry snickers, but covers it with a cough. “Halpert. Yes. Says so on my birth certificate.”

The doctor smiles at them both, amused by their charade. She has probably seen many acts in this office, so she lets their humor be. Besides that, she begins by asking a few simple questions, reconfirming everything before directing the woman to lie on her back.

“Sorry I didn’t dress practically,” she discloses, “I just came from work. Didn’t really have time to change, or even think about bringing clothes to change into.”

“It’s no problem. We’ll just open this up...” The doctor starts with the lowest button on her blouse, continuing to undo the following three. “And lower this down a little,” she continues, carefully dragging the upper part of her pencil skirt down until her belly is nicely exposed.

The pregnant woman tries to ignore the discomfort that she feels. Firstly, lying on her back is a nightmare without her pillow. Secondly, with her blouse pried open, a mere centimeter of her bra peaks out. Harry sitting next to her is the third basis of her discomfort, intense concentration on his part with the upmost awareness. The fourth, the icing on the cake, is like literal icing. While the doctor had told her to prepare for the cool gel, it doesn’t make it any less frosty on her skin.

Despite it all, her minds swivels around a haze. The doctor’s equipment runs along her stomach, eager to discover. Her hands clench without her noticing. She feels as if her lungs run out of oxygen – she forgets to breathe! Nothing is important to her other than what the doctor has to say about what can be seen on that unreadable screen, the one where she strains her neck to catch even a glimpse of meaningless motion.

She looks to the doctor, taking in every feature that may indicate something, anything. She momentarily forgets about Harry, who leans forward in his seat, risking everything by placing a hand over her knuckles. She doesn’t notice. All she can focus on is the doctor’s smile.

“Found them,” she announces, continuing her movement with more confidence than before.

“You...” the pregnant woman’s chest deflates. Her breath hitches, needing more than two words to convince her that everything is okay. “...You found?”

“Yes. There’s the head,” the doctor points to the screen, brown muck never more beautiful. “the body...” The woman listens, matching up the body part with the picture on the screen. A wave of newfound contentment vanishes every worry away – almost, because really, she can’t help herself. “Everything looks great, mama.”

“Mom...” she stumbles out, swallowing thickly as her fingers fall loose. She shakes her head, overcome with every emotion she’s ever known on top of those that are entirely new to her.

Harry smiles at her, noticing the light drips swaying down her cheeks. “That’s your baby,” he says, disregarding the possibility of destroying his cover as Halpert. He himself begins to empathize with this woman, this calm of a storm that he’s only known for a few short weeks. “Congratulations.”

“C—” She can’t seem to tear her eyes away from the screen, the ache in her neck multiplying, but she just doesn’t care. “My baby...” she speaks softly, the room almost entirely silent, but still it feels like there are a million things going on at once. And yes, she is smiling. She is over the moon, over this entire universe and the next. It is dangerous territories to be so elevated, and she knows this to be true when she begins to feel the low.

A bitter California sun never truly settles. When she walks out of the imaging center, heels scraping against the dry and jagged sidewalk, she winces and sighs. Her blouse now intact, her skirt lifted again, but the residue of the gel makes it stick to her skin more than any perspiration. In her hands, she holds onto the envelope with the printed pictures of her son or daughter – she doesn’t know yet. With the baby’s position, it had been a little hard to tell. She’s relieved for it though. There had only been so much that she could absorb in such a short, life-changing moment.

Harry follows after her, already with his shaded sunglasses scooted close to his face. He mimics her position as she leans against the side of the Toyota, staring down at an enclosed envelope. Very steadily, she lifts the flap open and slides the picture out, running a thumb over the body of her child.

“Sorry you couldn’t find out the gender today,” he speaks up, observing the way she cradles the print. It is natural, the way she possesses that tender quality of a mother. “Must have ... must be—”

“It’s fine,” she says, not wanting to hear the end of his sentence. “It’s not like I’ll never know.”

“Right.”

“Good. Still a beautiful moment, eh?”

“Yeah...”

“Thank you for letting me be a part of it.”

She looks up at him, but the connection is blocked by his sunglasses. She smiles either way. “You’re welcome. That sounds weird to be saying.”

He looks down, ankles crossed, hands in his pocket. “I know I can’t, um ... ever know what you’re feeling, but ... how are you feeling?”

“...Good?”

“What I mean is ... I’ve never been to an ultrasound. I’ve been friends with lots of pregnant women, and I know that doesn’t mean I have a clue about ... I just, for the moments like these, I imagine the woman to be happy. Happier than happy, and I just ... I don’t know. How are you feeling?”

A period of elongated seconds pass as the pregnant woman considers his talk. Birds chirp, an ambulance sounds in the near distance, and the faintest wind kisses her face with the leaves of the rustling trees. “I’m ... happy,” she answers truthfully, closing her eyes as the burn in her chest rises up her throat and to her nose.

“And...” Harry presses on, noticing how her answer hangs off the edge of a cliff.

She swallows, face molding like a ceramic statue on which the rain pours. “...And scared.” Her voice quivers. She doesn’t want to open her eyes. She’s far too cowardly to envision the colors.

Harry stands still, watching as she unravels the rawest parts of her. He doesn’t want to ask why – it should be obvious to everyone. She is a single mother-to-be. Her life is moving quicker than she could have ever imagined. Of course, she is scared. It would be strange of her not to be. Therefore, he doesn’t ask, but instead calls to her. In a faint second, she breathes in, coming alive to the world again. Her shaky hands wipe frantically at her blinking eyes, a sorry attempt to erase the remnants of her weakness.

“God...” she scoffs. “I can’t – why am I crying? This is so dumb.”

Harry shakes his head, his entire body now turning to her. “No, it’s not. So, you’re scared. Everyone is. I am. Why wouldn’t you want to be scared?”

“Because I don’t know what I’m doing!” she bellows, entirely turning to him. As her words sink in and flow on, he slides off his glasses, letting them hang from the fine stitch of his t-shirt collar. “Or – or what I’m going to do. I’m ... I was a child yesterday. That’s what it felt like. I was ... searching for independence and purpose and now I’m...” A breath trickles out. “I don’t want to ruin this child, Harry. But I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing.”

“No,” Harry argues. “No, you won’t. I know you won’t. You’re going to do everything you possibly can for your child. That alone makes you an incredible mum.” By now, his hands are on her shoulders, thumbs absentmindedly smoothening her nerves. “And incredible mums don’t know the answer to everything, that’s what makes them so incredible. They don’t know anything!”

She sniffles at the sidewalk. “Yours does,” she mumbles, indicating how well-rounded she sees this kind man. The manner in which he had been raised ... he is a foundation for reckless excellence.

“To be fair, I’m her second child,” he reasons, even tittering a little. “When she had my sister, she didn’t know what she was doing ... but she learned. Even after all these years, she’s still learning. You can’t expect yourself to be perfect ... at least, perfect without any flaws. You’re scared, that’s ... it’s important. You can’t skip that stage, alright?”

She reluctantly nods, but she has to admit to herself that his charisma is magical. To be a mother at her age – perhaps it is not uncommon. Yet, it is a vague new-coming of an experience. This growth that she possesses, her body ever-changing in the autumn to spring, the little person that will resemble parts of her and no one else. If that is not a future more uncertain...

“You’re going to be excellent. An excellent mum. And you’re not alone. You have Aaron. Maybe Cindy Sydney Sierra, if her aunt’s not visiting ... and you always have a friend in me.”

...but how sad it would be to plan every waking moment and every dying night. How safe it would feel to stumble upon no surprise. In the end, a future without uncertainty is no future at all. She doesn’t know what she will do when her baby fusses and whines and drives their mother to insanity. Previously oblivious of the happiness it will bring, the overwhelming flutter in her chest is a euphoric feeling like no other. To love another person unconditionally, entirely – to be loved in return – that is the greatest and only certainty she will never need.

#honeytryst

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doomedhowell · 5 years

Text

It’s All Fun And Games (Until You Get Blackmailed)

Summary: Dan and Phil are in a relationship, but everybody at school thinks they hate each other. In order to have a fun date night, Dan and Phil travel out of town so nobody recognizes them. They think they’re safe, but are they?

Genre: AU

Word Count: 3,385

Trigger Warnings: swearing (from both Dan and Phil)

A/N: Thank you so much @waitforiiiiiiiiiiiit for being kind enough to beta this! :D

“Hi Dan!”

“Hey,” Dan smiles at the group of girls, chuckling to himself when they all squeal with excitement. Honestly, Dan thinks it’s hilarious that he can speak just one single word to the girls around this school, and they all lose their minds. Dan will never date any of them of course, but why not have a little fun?

Dan gasps as soon as he bumps into someone. “Shit-!” He looks up and his eyes widen slightly when he sees that it’s none other than Phil Lester. Dan glares at him. “Watch where you’re fucking going, Lester…”

Phil chuckles. “Easy, tiger. Might want to watch that language of yours,” he says.

“Fuck off,” Dan snaps. “Are you always a dick? I’m just curious.”

“That’s funny, Howell. Are you always a slut?” Phil retorts quickly, surprising Dan by his choice of words. They’ve always bickered with each other during school, but Phil has never gone that far. “I’m just curious. Next time, why don’t you watch where you’re fucking going?” He smirks, and then he turns around and walks away without saying another word to Dan, leaving Dan speechless.

Dan takes a deep breath as he stands there, ignoring the stares that he’s getting from the other students. He quickly continues on his way, heading straight to his locker so he can get to class.

“Howell!”

Dan stops what he’s doing and looks over, seeing one of his soccer teammates run up to him. “Yeah?”

“You coming to the party this weekend?”

“Party?” Dan asks, raising his eyebrows at Alex. “What party?”

“Adam is throwing a party on Saturday, and everybody’s invited. You coming?”

“Dude, the coach is going to fucking kill us if he finds out we were all at a party on Saturday. We’ve got a game after school on Monday,” Dan says, shutting his locker.

“Since when did you start caring about what the coach says?” Alex asks, raising his eyebrows.

“I don’t. I just don’t want to get kicked off the team for doing something stupid,” Dan sighs. “Look, I can’t. But, maybe next time. I’ve got plans this weekend.”

“Whatever, dude, wanna skip class? I could really use a smoke right now.”

Dan bites his lip, debating on whether or not he should skip. “Well, we’re only watching a movie today. So, hell yeah. Let’s skip. Let me put my books away first,” he says, re-opening his locker.

“Wait a minute… you were actually going to go to class?” Alex laughs.

“Shut up,” Dan reaches over and pushes him playfully, and then puts his books back into his locker.

While Dan is hanging outside behind a building with Alex, smoking, he receives a text.

“Someone’s popular,” Alex jokes when Dan’s phone dings.

Dan rolls his eyes and pulls his phone out. He looks down and bites his lip nervously when he sees that he’s got a text from Phil. He’s still upset about Phil calling him a slut earlier.

What most people don’t know is that Dan and Phil are actually dating. They have been for nine months, nobody knows because they decided to keep it a secret to protect their school reputations.

Dan and Phil are the bad boys of the school. In reality, they are quite similar to each other, but people think that they hate each other. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other and trying to impress the other students and even some of the teachers. Whether it be with the clothes they wear, skipping classes, or seeing who can make the other jealous by flirting with other students. That’s how it’s always been between the two of them, and they wanted it to keep it that way. For now, anyways.

Dan opens the text, and sighs when he sees that it’s an apology from Phil.

From Phil: i’m sorry baby, i didn’t mean to call you a slut earlier. i took it too far. i hope you’re not mad at me

From Dan: ur lucky i love u, come over after school?

From Phil: i’ll be there love u

Dan smiles as he reads the texts. He’s glad Phil apologized, otherwise it would have bothered Dan.

“Who the hell are you texting that’s got you giggling like a little girl over there?”

Dan jumps and looks over at Alex, sighing. “Christ, Al. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

Alex smirks, proud of himself. “Maybe. Are you going to answer my question or not?”

Dan sighs. “I was not giggling like a little girl. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a crime to smile these days,”

“Well, it’s not. But, seeing you be all smiley and shit because of someone texting you is something that you don’t really see very often. So, are you going to spill the beans on who this person is?” Alex asks.

“It was just my mom,” Dan lies quickly. “It’s about something we have planned this weekend. I’m excited.”

“Hm,” Alex says before sticking his cigarette back into his mouth.

Dan sighs and leans back against the building, wishing this school day would just be over now.

After school, Dan says goodbye to his friends before getting into his car and heading home to see Phil.

Phil is already waiting for him on his porch when Dan gets home.

“Hey,” Dan smiles as he walks up onto the porch, and is immediately engulfed into a hug. “Phil!”

“God, I’m so fucking sorry Dan. I know I already sent you a text but I need to apologize again. I shouldn’t have said that earlier and I wish I could take it back. I don’t think you’re a slut,” Phil rambles.

“Phil,” Dan laughs and then he pulls away from the hug. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I promise I’m not mad.”

“I’m just worried someone heard me say that and they’re going to make it worse,” Phil mumbles.

“Whatever. If it happens, then I’ll deal with it. I’m not worried,” Dan says. He reaches up and kisses Phil. “Come on, let’s go inside.” He grabs Phil’s hand and leads the way inside. “I’m home!” He shouts loudly, before running up the stairs with Phil to his bedroom. He quickly shuts the door, and then he turns around and kisses roughly Phil. “You owe me for what you said earlier.”

“You said you weren’t mad at me,” Phil pouts.

“I’m not mad at you. I promise I’m not. But, you still owe me,” Dan smirks.

“And, what would you like from me?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows.

“You know exactly what I want-” Dan grabs Phil and leads him over to the bed.

Later on, Dan and Phil decide they want to do something outside of the house instead of the normal ‘making popcorn and try to find a movie on Netflix to watch’ which usually ends with them giving up.

It’s risky, but they decide to go somewhere where hopefully no one from school will recognize them.

Dan and Phil decide on going to an arcade that’s about an hour away from where they live. Unfortunately, they only have a couple of hours to spend with each other due to their curfew set by their parents, so they’re taking advantage of every second they have.

“I hope you’re ready to lose at air hockey,” Phil smirks as he looks at Dan as they walk through arcade.

“Bitch, yeah right-” Dan rolls his eyes. “I kick your ass every time we play air hockey. Today’s no different!”

Phil laughs, knowing how competitive Dan is. Dan hates losing no matter what the competition is; whether it’s playing games at the arcade or simply playing Mario Kart, and does whatever he can to prev Phil from not winning. Phil doesn’t even care if he loses. He just finds Dan’s competitiveness so entertaining.

“Wanna make this more interesting?” Dan asks as he and Phil stand at the air hockey table.

“Go on?” Phil raises his eyebrows as he looks up at Dan curiously.

“Okay, it’s not that interesting. But, how about a challenge? Loser buys dinner,” Dan grins.

Phil laughs. “Okay, you’re so on, buddy,” he says, grabbing a hockey puck and placing it in the middle.

Much to Dan’s surprise, Phil ends up winning air hockey overall.

“What the hell?” Dan throws his arms up angrily after the game is over. “You cheated!”

“Whatever. You’re pissed that I won and now you have to pay for dinner. So, what are you buying me?”

“Ugh, you’re so annoying. I can’t believe I put up with you-” Dan mumbles, shoving Phil away.

“Aw, come on, baby-” Phil quickly pulls Dan back to him and he quickly wraps his arms around Dan, which gives Dan no room to escape. Dan can’t help but allow himself to melt into Phil’s arms. Phil smiles, and leans down to kiss Dan gently a few times.

“You’re lucky I love you so much that I don’t actually mind buying dinner for you.”

“But the fact that you lost?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, I’m furious,” Dan laughs, escaping from Phil’s hold. “Come on, we gotta go find somewhere to eat.”

Dan and Phil end up having an amazing date night together, despite Dan losing at air hockey, but Dan honestly just loves being able to spend time with Phil without worrying about one of their classmates seeing them together. It’s rare when they get to act like this in public.

However, the fun doesn’t last very long.

It’s the next morning when Dan wakes up to a horrifying anonymous text, which consists of a picture of him and Phil kissing at the arcade last night. Dan has no idea who took this picture or sent the text.

The picture also comes with a text: I knew there was something going on with you two, and now I have proof. Meet me after school tomorrow and we’ll talk. Say anything to anyone, especially Lester, and I won’t hesitate leaking the picture.

Dan closes his eyes when he finishes reading the text.

“Fuck!” Dan cries before burying his face in his hands, unable to stop the tears from pouring out.

The worst part is, he can’t even tell Phil about this, otherwise the picture will be leaked. Dan doesn’t even know who this person is. It could be anyone. Someone he knows personally, or a stranger. Dan’s terrified.

Dan tries his best acting normal the next day at school, but it’s obvious that he’s distracted and jumpy. Dan’s been avoiding Phil all morning which isn’t that weird to the other students in school considering they all think Dan and Phil hate each other. But Dan can tell that Phil’s getting annoyed with him, as Dan’s not answering any of his text messages, so Phil knows that something is wrong.

From Phil: love u baby, did I do something wrong? pls answer asap i’m worried about u … are u still coming over tonight?

Dan groans and closes his eyes after he reads Phil’s latest text messages, making him feel even more terrible about ignoring him. Dan feels terrible about this whole thing, but he can’t risk talking to Phil because the pictures will be leaked and that’s not how Dan wants his and Phil’s relationship to be known.

“Something got you feeling down, Howell?”

Dan’s head instantly snaps up at the familiar voice. He looks over and his eyes widen when he sees Alex walking into view. He’s been waiting outside of school for about ten minutes for the anonymous texter.

“A-Alex?” Dan asks, taking a deep breath. “Y-You were the one who texted me last night?”

“That’s right,” Alex replies with a smirk, before he walks over to him. “I’m honestly surprised that you didn’t figure it out right away it was me when I told you to come meet me at this exact spot. I mean, we always meet here when we skip. You’re cute, Dan, but you aren’t very bright, are you?”

“Hey, shut up! A lot of people meet here,” Dan quickly defends himself. “Alright, Alex. I haven’t told Phil, in fact, I’ve been completely avoiding him all day, so talk. How did you get that picture of me and Phil?”

“I was visiting a friend last night in that area and we were at the arcade,” Alex tells him.

Dan silently curses. “I thought we were safe,”

“Guess not. I knew you were gay. But, really… Phil Lester?” Alex asks.

“What’s wrong with Phil?” Dan asks, ready to defend his boyfriend.

“Nothing’s wrong with him. I’m just surprised you chose him. You could have anyone you want. Like... me,”

Dan frowns, and looks up at Alex. “What are you trying to say here, Alex?” He asks nervously.

“Dammit, I’m in love with you, Dan!” Alex yells, making Dan jump. “Shit, we’ve been friends for years, and I’ve had a crush on you since we met, but you’ve been completely oblivious this whole time.”

“Alex,” Dan whispers with shock, and then he shakes his head. “You should have said something, Al!”

“Yeah, and what the hell was I supposed to say?” Alex asks. “I didn’t know you were gay back then. I was just figuring out that I was gay and I was worried that I would lose you as a friend.”

“I would have never judged you for being gay. I don’t judge you for being gay now,” Dan says. “So, what? What are we doing here? You’re not going to tell anyone about our relationship, are you?”

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Alex shakes his head.

Dan sighs in relief. “Thank God. I knew you wouldn’t actually tell anyone,” he smiles.

“Not unless I get what I want,” Alex adds quickly.

Dan blinks a few times. “And, what is it exactly that you want?” He asks.

“You,” Alex says simply. “I thought I made it clear what I wanted?”

“What? No. I’m sorry, Al. But, I’m with Phil. I love him,” Dan says. “I thought I made that clear.”

“I know that, Dan. I’m not a fucking idiot,” Alex snaps before taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I-I just… fuck, I’ve always wanted to feel what it’s like to be with the Dan Howell.”

“So, you think blackmailing me is going to achieve that? You’re sick, Al. I thought you were my friend,”

“Well, I want you as more than a friend!” Alex yells, before grabbing Dan and kissing him harshly.

Dan’s eyes widen with shock, and then he quickly pushes Alex away before the kiss goes further. “Enough!” He cries as he takes deep breaths. “I’m really sorry, Alex. I’m sorry that it has to end this way but we can’t be together. The only person I want to be with right now is Phil and nothing will change that, so I don’t care if you post that picture. I really hope you decide to do the right thing because no one should be outed that way. But do what you have to do, I guess. I-I have to go,” Dan shakes his head, and then he runs away from Alex as fast as his feet can possibly take him.

Dan gasps when he bumps into someone.

“Dan?”

Dan looks up and his eyes widen when he sees that it’s Phil who he’s run into.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

Dan doesn’t realize he’s crying until Phil wipes away his tears.

Dan sobs and falls into Phil’s arms. “I’m sorry, Phil! It’s my fault! I should have been more careful…”

Phil frowns as Dan rambles on, though he still keeps the smaller boy close to his chest. “Dan, what…?” He bites his lip, and then he pulls away from Dan. “Come on, let’s go sit in the car and calm down.”

Phil quickly leads Dan over to his car, and the two get in.

Phil looks over at Dan once they’re both settled into the car. “Dan, talk to me. What happened?”

Dan takes a deep breath before looking up at Phil. “I should have told you as soon as I got the text, but… I was too scared. I couldn’t risk it,” he says.

“What text are you talking about?” Phil asks softly.

“I got an anonymous text last night after I got home. It was a picture of me and you kissing at the arcade. They told me not to tell anyone until we talk because they would leak the picture otherwise, so I met up with the person after school just now,” Dan explains, hoping that Phil won’t be upset.

“Dan,” Phil’s eyes widen after Dan finishes. “Jesus Christ, Dan. I’ve been fucking worrying about you all damn day! I thought I did something wrong, or that you were going to break up with me.”

“No,” Dan shakes his head. “I-I just wanted to talk to this person first.”

“So, who sent you the text?” Phil asks curiously.

“Alex,” Dan mumbles. “Alex sent me the picture. He was going to blackmail me. He’s in love with me, Phil. He wanted me to be with him, not you.”

“That son of bitch!” Phil yells, clenching his fists angrily. “I’ll kill him. Did he do anything to you?”

“Phil, can we talk at home please?” Dan begs. “All I know is that there’s a chance Alex is going to leak that picture and the whole school will find out about us. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

“Dan, no-” Phil reaches over and grabs Dan’s hand. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” Dan snaps. “I’m the one who suggested that we go out of town for our date.”

“Dan, listen to me. We both thought it was safe. There’s absolutely no way that you or I could have known that Alex was going to be there on the same day as us. It is not your fault,” Phil warns softly.

Dan closes his eyes. “I just didn’t want our relationship to come out like this,” he whispers.

“I know, and I wish there was something I could do to change it,” Phil whispers before pulling Dan into a comforting hug. “We just have to wait and see what happens. That’s all I can say.”

Dan pulls away from the hug. “It’s all fun and games until your best friend decides to blackmail you,” he mumbles, shaking his head.

So when Dan walks into school on Friday morning, he expects to be hit with stares and whispers from the other students. But, he’s shocked when he walks in without a single look from anybody.

This is not what he expected. Did Alex not leak the picture of him and Phil together?

Maybe Alex actually did have a change of heart.

Dan nervously walks to his locker by himself. He and Phil decide not to walk into school together tomorrow in case a miracle happened. If Alex doesn’t end up posting the picture, then they still want to come out on their own terms. And, right now… they just aren’t ready to come out yet as a couple.

Dan opens his locker, his hands shaking slightly. He looks around. Still nothing.

Then, he surprisingly spots Alex down at the end of the hallway. Dan stares at him with wide eyes, and he can actually see the guilty look on Alex’s face. Alex gives him a small smile before turning around and walking away. This surprises Dan. Alex had been acting totally different yesterday, after admitting that he’d been in love with Dan this whole time. But now, it seems that he has had a change of heart.

Dan’s unsure of what this means for his and Alex’s friendship, but right now, he’s just happy and relieved that his and Phil’s relationship still remains a secret, and hopefully they’ll be able to come out soon.

Dan quickly pulls out his phone and then sends a text to Phil.

From Dan: I just saw Alex. I don’t think he posted the picture. I think we’re in the clear.

From Phil: that’s such a relief. keep me updated. love u have a good day baby

Dan can’t help but smile at Phil’s second message. He turns around and leans against his locker, and can’t help but sigh in relief. Maybe things will be okay after all.

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan #au #fluff #badboy #badboy!dan #badboy!phil #establishedrelationship #highschool #secretrelationship #100

177 notes · View notes

1kook · 5 years

Text

epiphany

Pairing: Jeno x (F) Reader

summary ⇢ “You know he likes you, right?”

word count ⇢ 3.8k

tags ⇢ fluff, soft romancin’, confession through text bc why not, some soft high school luvin’, crushes and shit

notes: i wrote this back in august but never wanted to proofread, and guess what y'all, i still aint proofread shit so here u go

!! there is a read more but it doesn't come up unless someone rbs this post I AM SO SORRY

The day of your enlightenment had been on a Friday night, the bright stadium lights that surrounded your school’s multipurpose field blindingly strong, the cheers of your peers deafening. Your senses were attacked on multiple fronts, and your fingers shook from the cold, late October chill that seemed set on freezing you to death, the scent of hot chocolate and leaves swarming your nose. You’d watched Jeno and his friends walk across the bottom of the bleachers, chocolate eyes scouring the crowd of students and families, as if he was looking for someone. He was looking for your little gang, you realized, the one that you’d all hastily forged towards the end of junior year, when you’d all had a large outing at some laser tag place, celebrating your ascension into the senior class.

The summer following that had flown by much too quickly, filled with even more group activities where you’d spent whole days at the mall, evenings in each other’s back yards, just basking in the unsaid fact that this was the last summer you had before you’d all start worrying about things like college, and working. But as warm days dripped away into the now chillier nights, your friendship with each other had remained as solid as a statue.

It was inevitable that your friends wouldn’t have every single class with you, and you’d honestly dreaded senior year for that reason alone. Yet as the first week passed by, your new friends slowly found each other, and you’d found every class was more enjoyable.

Jeno and his friends were always a party to be with. Whether it be on Saturday nights or in the middle of your english class, they were always a source of entertainment for you and Jeno, himself, was an enigma.

He was probably the most calm out of the group, you deduced, and though he had has random bouts of goofiness, for the most part he was pretty lax. He was one of those attractive guys, the ones who are seemingly unaware of their own godly appearance, and like to believe that the kindness they receive from girls is out of the generosity of their own hearts, and not because they really want to kiss him. Despite his obliviousness, he was an absolute sweetheart, and when you dragged behind the group, he’d always drift his way back to make sure you weren’t alone.

It’s with this memory of Jeno that you raise your arms up, and shout his name, winning his attention despite all the other screaming spectators. Your gazes meet immediately, and his lips pulls into the cutest smile as he points you out to the rest of the guys, before stumbling his way up the nearest steps.

It’s when you’re watching him climb the steps with his long legs (you’d been teasing him about joining a modeling agency for weeks now), eyes never leaving his gaze, that your friend nudges your arm and says, “you know he likes you, right?”

★

It sticks in your mind for a few days, and despite how unbelievable it sounds, it causes you to overanalyze every single interaction you’ve had with Jeno, starting with the very first time you’d officially met.

The laser tag had been mostly planned by one of your friends, and though you’d been excited to go out and play, you hadn’t been too invested in any other details. All you really knew was one, you were going laser tagging, and two, some other people were coming.

Seeing Jeno, the captain of the soccer team had been like a splash of cold water to your face, and you’d suddenly been made very aware of how under-dressed you were. Yes, you were going to be doing something that called for a lot of physical activity, but that didn’t mean you could show up in your dad’s old shirt, ridiculously large and faded, and a pair of shorts, for gods sake.

Jeno was looking as dashing as you’d always caught him looking in the hallways, a plain t-shirt snug against his broad shoulders, legs encased by those Adidas track pants every single soccer player seemed to own. Though your outfits were picked with similar consideration, he looked a thousand times more put together than you.

Whatever, you’d thought, the arena was going to be dark anyway, and you were here to kickass, not ogle the cute boy in your trig class.

Yet as the evening progressed, you’d found yourself in a randomized assortment of teams every round. Once, you’d been paired with your best friend, which you thought was the absolute worst because you hadn’t done anything but laugh and wheeze for a good portion of the beginning, and then gotten eliminated two minutes into the speed round.

But apparently there was worse, and you only realized it when the random team generator paired you with Jeno, who had slipped to the back of your mind until then. You’d been nervous from the get-go, and all your competitiveness had faded at the sight of him fixing the straps of his chest plate as you waited to be allowed into the arena. He’d flashed you a smile then, and though his intention had been to relax you, it’d only made you a hundred times more uneasy.

But all this was unbeknownst to Jeno, who seemed content with playing another game of laser tag sans any emotional partners dragging him down. So you’d set all your inner turmoil aside in favor of being the best laser tag partner Jeno had ever seen, focusing your attention on how badly you wanted to win, and not on the way the sweat dripped down the nape of Jeno’s neck when he chased Jaemin through the arena.

And it’d paid off in the end when the lights suddenly flashed on, and nearly everyone around you had chest plate’s with red glowing LED lights, and yours and Jeno’s were still an obnoxiously neon green color. You’d both been ecstatic at the win, and when Jeno hollered loud enough to burst your eardrums, it had been easy to push past his sparkling aura, and see the dorky boy hiding beneath.

★

It comes up again when you’re all sitting outside the local corner store after school one day, lazily slurping down the contents of your juice boxes, which have long since gone warm under the blazing heat. Your uniform was a horrible addition to the temperature, and you’d felt sweat building up from the itchy material of your clothing. It was disgustingly humid, and you’d began wondering why you were all sitting here when you could easily be inside someone’s air conditioned house having the exact some conversation.

Your question is answered when Jeno and another one of your friends come strolling around the corner at the other end of the street. Your friend beside you waves and makes a general racket until their attention is on you guys, and the cute smile Jeno sends your way sends the blood rushing to your ears.

“It’s hot!” Chenle complains, and gives a feeble kick to Jeno’s legs as he nears the group of you. “We’ve been waiting for hours,” he adds on, as if trying to gain the most out of Jeno’s tardiness, his aim probably to coerce Jeno into inviting you all over to his place.

You’re desperate for a reprieve from the heat at this point, and dumbly nod along with whatever Chenle’s saying, your focus only returning when Jeno stretches a hand out towards you. “C’mon,” he says, and already the rest of your friends are shuffling down the street, talking too loud and too much in a way only high schoolers seem to do.

You take Jeno’s hand in yours, and he pulls you up without even straining a muscle. When you’re on two steady feet again, he places a hand on your shoulder, and you instantly meet his gaze.

He’s too close and it’s too hot, his minty breath fanning across your face, as he leans closer and offers you a chilled water bottle, a thin sheen of condensation building up against the plastic surface. “Thanks,” you murmur, and when you grab the drink from his hands, your skin brushes, and once again you feel like you’re on fire.

You stumble behind your group, and though he’s beside you, Jeno feels a million miles away, talking animatedly with the rest of the group, not sparing you even the tiniest glance. You feel awkward, because it’s a huge transition from the intimacy he’d shown you only a few moments prior, when he’d leaned close enough you could smell his shampoo and the earthy scent of his body spray.

There’s a whizzing sound from behind you, and you barely manage to catch the tinkling of a bicycle bell as the cyclist quickly closes in on you, and more specifically, Jeno. He’s strayed off to the edge of the sidewalk, by the unofficial bicycle lane, and you only have a second to grip his elbow and tug him back towards you.

“Careful!” You yelp, and jerk him too hard, until he’s tumbling into your personal space, one hand placed delicately on your shoulder, the other hastily placed on your forearm. Someone from the front yells something like get it together, man! at Jeno, but the call falls deaf on your ears.

Jeno’s close again, similar to how he was earlier, yet this time, his composure has flown out the window. His breathing is harsh and ragged, both from the surprise he’d felt from a near accidental experience, and your sudden proximity. “Are you okay?” You ask, only vaguely aware that you hold the upper arm now.

Jeno mutely nods, wide brown eyes flickering from your gaze to nearly every other visible part of you. “Yeah,” he mumbles, and suddenly, his face heats up.

The rosy color begins at the apples of his cheeks, so faint you almost confuse it with exertion. But then it slowly blossoms across his face, until his ears are a bright red, and continues crawling down his neck, and up to his forehead, and his face is a nice pink shade.

“Jeno?” You poke, and he jumps in your hold, dark hair shifting with his movement, as he pulls away from you. He’s a stuttering mess then, assuring you he’s okay, and that it was his fault, and he’s normally not this clumsy, he isn’t sure how he didn’t hear, but the heat was really beating down on you now, right, maybe we should catch up to the others? Before tearing his jittery gaze away from you and jogging towards the rest of the group.

You’re left thinking about Jeno’s sudden restlessness as you trail after the group, eventually catching them at a stoplight. Though he’s long since calmed down, his ears still peek through his messy hair, and the shade is even more obvious amongst all the onyx strands.

★

You’re not sure how you’d never noticed before, Jeno’s apparent infatuation with you, but now that you have, it really is obvious.

Though he’s composed for the most part, he seems to develop a nervous twitch around you, so subtle and minuscule that you nearly don’t notice that either. But the way he strays away from your gaze and toys with a bracelet around his wrist is there, and you find yourself pushing the limits to see how far he can withstand.

It’s during your third little staring match of the night, you dead set on holding his gaze for more than fifteen seconds and maybe enjoying the tiny flush that dusts his cheeks, when your friend nudges your side, completely knocking your attention off of Jeno from where he is across the backyard.

“What are you doing?” She warily asks, and you blink at her, before motioning for her to elaborate. “You’re being weird,” she sighs, and you find yourself shaking your head at her absurdness.

“What? No, I’m not,” you defend, taking a sip of your can of soda and shifting your attention back towards where Jeno is now engaged in another conversation. “I’m just looking.”

She snorts. “You’re looking like you want to eat him,” she points out, and you choke on your drink. She pats your back sympathetically, as if she knows something you don’t, and for a moment, you think she just might.

“I-I just wanted to see if what you said was true!” You blurt, but your own embarrassment is revealed by the way your voice breaks, and your cheeks flare.

“If you like him, you should just tell him,” she advises, and returns to the conversation she’d been having before she’d decided to further confuse you. You’re left dazedly staring at the grass below your feet, but it’s not long until your traitorous eyes wander back towards Jeno, who is, coincidentally, also looking your way.

When your gazes meet, you suddenly feel like the last of the sheet is pulled away, revealing the feelings you’d been trying to suppress. Jeno sends a soft grin your way, as if he, too, is suddenly aware of your vulnerability.

★

Jeno approaches you one morning before classes, rests his stupidly handsome head against the side of your opened locker, and you nearly yelp in surprise. He’s all soft smiles and twinkly eyes as he watches you grab your books, asking about your day, and if you’re going to the movies with everyone on Friday. Despite your sudden epiphany and the following self-analysis you’d given yourself in the mirror as you’d gotten ready that morning, you’d like to think you still held a semblance of control, so you answer Jeno as you always have, trying to reveal as little as possible about your interest in him.

Unfortunately, it all comes to a head on Friday night.

Recently, your friend had befriended a girl from one of her classes, and she’d taken to hanging around your already big group, so the past few outings had been harder to coordinate. You’d had an even number of friends before, so reserving tables at restaurants had been easy, and car arrangements had never been a problem because you all got along with everyone. But your friend’s friend only knew a select few of you, and frequently preferred sitting by the one’s she knew, which you completely understood because it was hard being around people who knew each other inside and out, while you didn’t.

Apparently, Jeno was one of those people she knew better, so of course, she’d ended up drifting towards him more often than not.

You hadn’t minded, because if you had, you’d come off as rude and selfish. But also because Jeno wasn’t yours, so you had no logical reason to complain about their closeness other than the fact that you were jealous over someone who was very obviously not your significant other.

The ice cream run you’d gone on prior to the movie screening was filled with screaming and laughter, just the way you preferred, and Jeno had even sat next to you inside one of the booths, his presence consuming your thoughts, which he knew, if the tiny smirks he’d send your way were anything to go by. He was becoming increasingly straightforward with his advances on you, which both excited and terrified you.

The only thing holding him back from full on confessing his feelings to you is the new girl sitting in front of him, who likes to laugh extra loud at his jokes, and grab onto his hand whenever she recalls a memory of something else.

The movie goes somewhat similar to that, Jeno trailing beside you through the theater, offering to share a large popcorn with you, and occasionally making a sarcastic remark in response to someone else.

But he’s quiet with you, listens to you give your opinion about the last superhero installment of the film you’re watching today, soft brown eyes zeroed in on your face. Every now and then he’ll push the popcorn container into your lap, claiming he’s sick of popcorn, before snatching it back a few minutes later.

Your new friend is sitting on his other side, and though she’s mostly preoccupied with the person on her other side, she still interrupts you two here and there, placing a hand on Jeno’s knee to get his attention.

He’s considerate of her, and they laugh about something that happened in their art class while you watch the final trailers roll through, before the movie starts and everyone shuts up.

It’s a damn good movie, you think, but it’d be even better if you didn’t have to hear the soft giggles Jeno shares with his friend, and the way she constantly reaches for his knee whenever he so much as glances at you. You’re not jealous, you think, maybe just a little salty.

But you remind yourself of your relations to Jeno, and how, as much as you’d like to believe he was, he isn’t your boyfriend, and even if he was, he wasn’t required to ignore everyone else just for you. So you settle on whispering with Jaemin, who sits quietly on your other side. Despite usually being the mood setter of your group, he’s oddly quiet right now as he doesn’t understand the movie’s plot. You occupy yourself with filling him in instead.

When the ending credits roll by, you’re feeling ten times more serene than when you’d been two hours ago, and happily follow your friends out of the theater.

Someone suggests going to corner store, but you’re feeling a tad bit tired, and opt out instead. Jaemin’s also a little tired, probably from all the plot lines you’d stuffed into his head, and offers to walk you home, along with a few others. Your group separates into the going home club and the out all night party, bidding each other goodbye until you round the corner.

A few minutes into the walk, Jaemin says, “huh, Jeno texted.”

For a moment, your steps stutter, and though you’re currently involved in another conversation, you try to discreetly focus your hearing on whatever Jaemin is telling his buddies. You don’t hear much, just that he seems to have decided to go home last minute and was wondering if you were all nearby still. Jaemin tells him no, and you think about Jeno walking home alone until you reach your house and bid everyone goodbye.

Truthfully, it takes a while to muster up the courage to text him, and you wash your face and put in your retainers before you pace your bedroom for five minutes, building yourself up. Though you’re desperate to text Jeno and ask him if he’s okay, he’d really only told Jaemin of his situation, so you texting him out of the blue would be a bit creepy. But at the same time, you guys are friends, you tell yourself, and friends regularly check up on each other.

[10:17] ____: did you get home safe?

He texts back ridiculously fast.

[10:17] jeno: yeah you?

You sigh in relief, before filling Jeno in on all the tomfoolery that had occurred on your walk home, trying your best to not convey the absolute adoration you had for him. Jeno asks if you enjoyed the movie, and you tell him you did. Then, he throws you for a loop.

[10:29] jeno: did jaems like it?

You blink.

[10:30] ____: yeah, he was just confused a lot so i had to tell him what was going on lol

[10:31] jeno: oh lol

Suddenly, it’s stilted and awkward, two words that don’t mix well with Jeno. He was always the more suave between the two of you, frequently spitting lines that were on the border between friendly and romantic, and somehow saving himself from any weird situations. But Jeno being the stiff one only made you feel ten times more out of place.

It goes on like that for a few moments, you desperately trying to fill in the gaps Jeno is leaving open, until he finally throws a bomb at you.

[10:40] jeno: do you like jaemin?

You blank, and for a moment all you hear is the running water of your mom washing the dishes downstairs, and the soft murmuring of the television. Is this what had brought on this awkwardly formal conversation?

[10:41] ____: well, he’s my friend so i kinda have to

You play it safe, locking your phone shut in an attempt to regain your senses. Your best choice of action right now is remaining calm, so you rush off to wash your face. After rushing through the steps of your skincare routine you find you’re still a little frazzled by Jeno’s question, so you distract yourself with brushing your teeth.

When you come back, there’s two new messages waiting for you.

[10:42] jeno: oh yeah lol

[10:45] jeno: actually can i tell you something?

Your heart feels like it’s stuck in your throat, and your hands tremble with anxiety as you shakily type out a quick sure, before setting your phone down again. Your face feels hot, you realize after pressing your palm to your cheek. Your phone dings, and you nearly jump out of your skin.

[10:50] jeno: i like you

★

You notice it from the way he holds your hand in the morning, fingers laced together over the center console of his car, his lips softly curving over the words of his favorite song, eyes still a little droopy with sleep. He’s ridiculously soft at this hour, his voice mellow and sweet when he pulls up to the drive-through of your favorite coffee place and orders your drinks.

He’s barely flickering to life when you arrive at school, balancing his coffee and his bag in one hand as he pulls the door open for you. His friends greet him as you trek towards your locker, and it’s probably Renjun’s reminder to finish the pre-calc homework that finally shocks him awake.

“C’mon,” he whines at your locker, rushing you to grab all your things. Its mixed in with his, so you have to grab two blue notebooks before you finally manage to find the one thats yours. When he deduces you’re down, he shuts your locker, hand finding yours as he tugs you towards the library.

You notice it as you watch him rush through his math problems, your own attention primarily focused on the literature book in front of you. Occasionally, his eyes flicker towards you, his pencil obnoxiously tapping against the table. He nudges you beneath the table, and when you look up, you’re immediately trapped by his gaze.

He blinks those long lashes your way, the corners of his eyes still winged with sleep. He’s inexplicably beautiful, you think as you watch him speak, his words going completely over your head. He kicks your shin then, and you yelp in the library, much to his own amusement.

“Are you even listening?” Jeno whispers, his hand crawling across the table until the tips of your fingers are touching. You shake your head, and he clicks his tongue. Your heart thunders in your chest, and nearly stops when he murmurs, “aren’t you supposed to listen to your boyfriend when he talks?”

#lee jeno #nct jeno #lee jeno fic #lee jeno fluff #jeno fluff #nct dream #dream fic #nct fic #jeno fic #should i spam anymore or is this good #mine

185 notes · View notes

baekjohn · 5 years

Note

Tag cute mutuals and what you love about them?? x ☺️

all of my mutuals are cute hehe i love all of you babies sm!!

but okie here we go, get ready for a love fest 🧸🍯💖💫

@geniuslab 💘 megan is bae. my honey bun. she is just simply adorable and i could spend hours talking to her and we’d somehow never run out of things to talk about. i mean we kinda did that yesterday at starbucks dkfjkds but anyways she’s just the biggest sweetheart ever.. she’s basically a golden retriever in human form. oh and she gives really good hugs :’) also…………. megan is the most precious lil gem and i have the privilege of knowing her.. it’s amazing, really. she bought me extra toasty cheezits and if that’s not a sign i gotta wife her up then idk what is

@joonslovecult 💛 apple is my soulmate. like forreal she really is.. it’s amazing how many little things we have in common. she’s someone i could talk to about literally anything with and one of the only people i could have a legit conversation with in which consists of only love reaction memes… what a cutie wow thank god we found each other on this hellsite bc i’m very grateful for her!! she deserves nothing short of pure happiness in this lifetime and any others she may come back in :’)

@namseokis 🌸 mk is my babygirl. she is such an angel, she’s there for me literally whenever i need her. this girl doesn’t have one bad bone in her body. and she is absolutely breathtaking.. like have you seen this woman??!?! she is so beautiful i almost cried when i saw the photos from her graduation bc !! WOW!! i stan a beautiful goddess-like doctor :’) which reminds me…… MK!!! I’M CONGRATULATING YOU AGAIN BC YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR THIS!! in the beginning of august we were talking to each other how school was gonna kill us before december… and now look at us!!! WE BOTH MADE IT!!!!! WE GRADUATED AT THE SAME TIME I LOVE YOU

@angeljk 💕 julia is my sunshine. she’s such a cutie and uhh she has the cutest voice i have ever heard in my life.. like ?? ADORABLE!! she’s always so kind to everyone and although she may feel like she doesn’t have anyone to talk to, i’m always gonna be here for her bc she’s just a lil angel and she deserves the world!! she was my very first mutual when i made this blog and i am so glad she found my blog and followed me.. i’ll love you forever, miss yoongispluto :’)

@softesthobi ✨ becca is my bestie. she is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people in existence. she is always thinking of others. whether it be tagging others in a post or just randomly popping in to send you some love. i love that about her bc not enough people are like that in this world. ever since september, me and becca have sent each other at least one message a day.. we’ve talked basically every single day since, and i’m pretty sure the longest we didn’t message each other was like 10 days and that was like way in the beginning when we first started talking sklfjkas but yes, becca has more or less become a staple of my daily routine :’)

@hobiswitch 🔮 meara is my lil witch babie. sorry hobi but she’s my witch too ok we gotta share or else i’m prepared to fight.. no but forreal meara has been nothing but a complete angel since she followed me. BIG ANGEL ENERGY RIGHT HERE GUYS!! and she did super well in her philosophy course last semester and i’m so proud of her for that bc her professor was a lil……. off sklfja but she survived and passed with flying colors :’) oh oh oh and meara’s aesthetic is my favorite of all ok sorry not sorry

@aurtae 🧸 my darling hazzy bear. wow i just ?? love haz so much alright. she’s all fax, no printer. everything she says is 1000% VALID. she’s one of the best people on this hellsite and honestly what would i even be without haz? not much that’s for sure. seriously though.. this girl.. when she does her ask games.. she somehow gets certain details that are actually true about me when no one?? except ppl who know me irl know?? my point is proven. no printer just faxxxxxx baby (btw if you don’t follow her there is something seriously wrong with you)

@hyvcker 💍 mady is my wife. she’s the ernie to my bert. i’m the bert to her ernie. this bih is a total goddess and i need her hair transplanted onto my head immediately thank u. i love my wife so much she’s all around perfect. oh & mady i’m glad i could help you fall in love with nct hehe i love my haechan solo stan :’) and your love for chanyeol……… i accept it ig even if you don’t stan exo

@guktual 🌹 felicia is my favorite flower. she’s the first person i truly actually interacted with on this blog. i love her so much so much so much!! she’s such a darling lil cutie and she is going to do the most amazing things in the future. ya heard it here first folks. mark my words.. felicia’s gonna be the first female president or something……. no but she’s definitely going to be a very important person in whatever she does :’)

@iluvnj 💜 brenda is my fellow grapemon enthusiast. this girl loves grapemon just as much as i do and i thought i was the only one who goes completely crazy over something as simple as purple hair.. but i found this one!! and i love her a lot!!! she is so so soooooo sweet to every single person she comes into contact with and she forms the most beautiful and thoughtful responses/compliments for everyone. her love for joonie is the most pure love you could find anywhere on this earth :’)

@ktheaven 💫 nadine is my angel baby. she’s my jimin; my angel baby. when i say that she is one of the softest, sweetest people i’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with.. i mcfreakin mean it!! if i ever saw her walking by me, there would be a halo over her head and the most majestic wings ever.. her angel wings would be as majestic as taehyung is :’)

@bigwonho 🎀 c is my emoji kween. this girl is one of the most colorful n bubbly babies in existence!! she’s also one of the very first people i ever truly interacted with on this blog so i really missed her during her hiatus but she is back now and i’m so happie she’s back bc!! her presence on my dash is just my most favorite thing ever :’)

i had to put c last bc i’m gonna end this post with a rainbow of emojis….. i mean she’s the most colorful human aside from hobi so it’s only fitting that she’s closest to the rainbow, right??

okay well there we go!!!!! my love fest has concluded!!! i love you all so much and i love the people i didn’t mention here so much too!! if you weren’t in this and you are for some reason reading this, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU HAVE JUST WON 8976546789765 HUGS FROM MEEEEEE!! but these people are extra special to me hehe :’)

🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜🌸🌹🧡🍯💚🦋💜

#anonymous #asks #just warnin you if you wanna read...#this is helllllla long lol but #if u wanna read my love letters #go for it :')#mutuals

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bornsoldier-arc · 6 years

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wOWOWOWOWOW !!!! it’s about to get real mushy here thanks to all of you folks. :’)) pls excuse the beautiful edit pictured above. i’ve been here for 2-3ish?? months and i’ve had nothing but an amazing time with all of you. i know this fandom in particular has its own troubles at times, but i cherish all the time i’ve spent here!! everyone who i’ve followed has been nothing but lovely, and this is my little shoutout to you superstars for being just. AMAZING!! especially while dealin’ with my shitposting <33 so below you will find a few shoutouts to some people i’ve grown very close to/old friends and a buncha people i love seein’ on the daily!! and if you guys know me, you know i’m terribly forgetful so if you’re not on here !!!!! I STILL LOVE YOU !!!!

MY SWEET SUMMER CHILDREN (aka the ppl who i get all heart eyes over)

@brokendefender / @getwebbed / @fearfeeling — :’)))) oh casey. what to say about my child?? wife????? best friend??? it’s a little bit of a grey area but i LOVE MY CANADIAN PAL WITH MY WHOLE HEART. you never fail to be the person who i’ll talk to 24/7, get stupid cute ‘ily’ memes from, and wow can we talk about whaT A GREAT WRITER YOU ARE??? i love all of ur sons and i’m glad i can throw my star spangled son at urs. :’)))))) i could probably go on for hours about u making me wheeze and enduring my titanic feelings and watching the producers with me (i love our movie nights) bUT THIS POST IS ALREADY GONNA BE LONG SO I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO CONTINUE ON THE NEXT FF I MAKE

@brokcnsouls — CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW LONG WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A QUICK SEC???? i literally had to open skype for the first time in months because i just wanted to see when we actually started talking and i became utter trash for you and your writing and all of your children :’)) WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE MARCH OF LAST YEAR SO A LITTLE OVER A YEAR !!! i’m so happy we got to know each other back when i was on apollo and i’ve loved every single one of our threads since then okay our ever-growing list of aus is evidence of this B)) but also i’m so ?? grateful to have you every time i feel down or need to vent or anYTHING. oK I’M GOING TO CUT THIS SHORT BEFORE I GET CARRIED AWAY BUT !! never forget to put your own sanity before your 7 day work weeks and 100 drafts okay bb <33

@andagony — you knew this was comin’ boo bear :))))))) time for me to mAKE YOU MUSHY NOW THAT I’M ALL MUSHY. i’m :’))) so glad i got to know you this summer while i holed myself up inside to escape the heat death outside. your writing??? makes me cry?????? what the fuck what a goddamn TREASURE. i don’t care how long it takes you to write a reply because i’ll wait 5 yrs for one of your novels thanks. but aside from writing and our stupid bois??? i’m!!!! emotional about how much i adore your company. this is my shoutout to you for being an angel even if you call yourself a gorgon B))) ( sidenote i DID have to search in disco for WTF THAT SCARY CREATURE WAS ). i love you, and this is ur reminder to get more sleep ;((( U ARE MY WINTER BOO BEAR

@marvelous-maximoff — HI REMEMBER HOW I SAY I’M TRASH FOR YOU LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY??? ‘CAUSE I AM. :’)))) whether it be wanda or buck-buck longstocking i love your writing!!!!! you just. put so much time and thought into your portrayals and all of your replies are so well-thought out in the head of your muses and i!!!!!! AM NEVER OVER IT !!!!!! you’re so much fun to talk to and plot with and scream over things with and i just. THANK YOU for being a 10/10 friend and writing partner. IF YOU WATCH PORTLA.D.IA I’LL WATCH B.OJAC.K HOR.SEMAN

MY STAR SPANGLED SWEETHEARTS ( aka we write or maybe talk in ims or discord!! )

@endurraesa, @voitel, @vi-brain-ium, @eternallysoft, @soldatassassin, @missionmade, @strongwilltm, @henrymikaelscn, @strxnzo

THE LOVELY PEOPLE WHO I ADMIRE FROM AFAR OR UP CLOSE AND I WANT TO WRITE/PLOT/TALK TO MORE !!!! not in any particular order!!!!

@outlawiism, @sorscier, @interniisms, @assembletm, @fallencomrade, @auntlarb, @empantis, @mercwiththemouth, @mxctxns, @tobargain, @antdad, @ironicarus, @rdwng, @wightwulf, @andquantum, @solestarlet, @killypool, @mchanic, @microthief, @stormharbinger, @golddome, @facemypast, @badlvckkitty, @siiilvertcngue, @stcrmbreakr, @atimebomb, @greatestmarksman, @bestdefender, @godveiined, @mysticmastered, @neshanna

#follow forever #follower count #:'))))#HI ILY GUYS SM #( &. FOLLOW FOREVER. )#i probably forgot some ppl ;((((

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xtisumi · 6 years

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Hope you enjoy the long journey that is reading ur bday msg mwhahahaha @aoutd

*Sorry for this super long post, but this is for you so I know you’re going to appreciate it! Anyways I’m splitting this msg into three parts just because there’s a lot that I have to say and I want to organize it a bit so you could understand it easier! With that being said...

- Part One -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY dude I’m going to say this a lot throughout the post so sorry if it loses value but IDC I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. You’re one of the best gifts life could have ever given me. You’re one of the greatest human beings, dude to me you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and I’m just so fucking grateful that in less than a year we managed to become best friends. You’ve been so amazing to me and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you :( However I’ve enjoyed every single second that we’ve hung out. Whether it was watching Haikyuu!! or trolling you in ToS, teaching you how to play golf and later minecraft. Our random playful fights on discord or sitting in a call with you till 5 am just talking. Our first time rocket riding or when you first showed me BTS. I’ve enjoyed every single second being in your comforting presence. I fucking mean it when I say you make me the happiest person alive!!! Hopefully you enjoyed having me in your life :3 DUDE everything about you MAN HOLY FUCKING SHIT just I love everything about you like you truly are one of the most stunning, amazing, dorkiest, prettiest, smartest, strongest people that I know. You deserve the fucking universe and I just like fuck I just wanna wrap my arms around you and bury my head in your shoulders and just cry to you about how much I love you. I wanna feel the warmth of your body and be comforted by your energy and just be there hugging you and not wanting to let go :( I’m so happy we were able to meet and I hope you have the greatest birthday you’ve ever had!!! One day I’ll be there in person for your birthday.

- Part Two -

So I want to change the tone up a bit and kind of reflect on some things. If some parts are more serious than gay, I’m sorry but I wanna address some things. First thing I want to mention is that so far we’ve had an amazing friendship, everything about it seems perfect but we’re both mature enough to know even our friendship has flaws. If we want this to last then we both need to be mature about future complications. So far we never really fought or got genuinely mad at each other and I really hope it stays that way but like I said we’re both mature enough to understand that there will be times where we fight or argue and may cause problems. I’m bringing this up because the easy part was getting to that bff level while now the hard part is ensuring we last forever. I have faith that if fights occur we both will act like adults and own up to our actions and we get through any altercations that can cause turmoil between us. Dude ily and this friendship too much to see it end over pity shit so here’s to us working any trouble out together as adults <3 Now I wanna just talk about what you and your presence have meant to me. Kelly you’re by far one of the best things to ever happen to me. In every aspect you’re just too amazing and stunning and it’s just sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you in my life. You’re one of the best humans on this planet and you’re fr a God. I love everything that you and your friendship has bestowed onto my life. You have no idea how grateful I am to have met you and how lucky I am to be living at the same time as you. Dude I’m serious you have made me cry in private because of just all the feelings I have for you. I love you so fucking much that it pains my heart and at times at night I cry because you simply exist. Not to get emo but I fear not death itself but what follows death... The earth is 4.5 billion years old and I only lived 20 years of that and I don’t remember the moment when I took my first breath. So when I die will I even remember my life? Will everything be blank and my existence transcend beyond this realm and into an empty void? This scares me because when I die I might forget you and my own life. I only have one life to live and I just so happened to have fallen in love with you. Now I know you just want to be friends and I respect that but the reason I’m saying all of this is because even as friends please let us make lifetime memories that I can cherish even in my final moments. I don’t want to ever forget you but if death causes us to forget each other and the life we lived then please let me have more memories with you. For about one year worth of being friends, we made some amazing personal memories and I really want to continue making new ones. You became a big aspect of my life now so I don’t want to feel like there’s things that we weren’t able to do. Another thing is we really got to meet up soon. Before 2018 I asked if you saw us meeting irl and you said probably. I never brought it up the subject that we should meet especially throughout the summer since tbh I’m not ready to meet you and also the vibes you give off rn makes it seem that you would see it more of a drag. Hopefully in 2019 we do meet up and you feel so excited to the point you’re running through people just to get to me :3 Seriously I want you to show me Chicago because I hardly explored it myself. Also I promised your little angel of a sister that when I meet you I was going to give you the painting I made for her ^~^ speaking of your siblings (you should feel more happier than I should) but I’m glad CoolGuy and your sister actually love me. It fr warms my heart knowing that they like me and even though I don’t know your other brother, I hope he sees me in the same way that your other siblings do :D I wanna meet your little sister one day and give her the warmest hug ever dude she fr an angel and I love her so much and even though she already knows... I want to tell her in person how much I love her older sibling Kel

- Part 3 -

Okay sorry switching the tone a bit or whatever. Part One being that standard gay msg you’re familiar with and Part Two being some weird shit idek. So for this final part, I wanna just make this something that can bring the biggest smile on your face!!! What better way to approach it by stating that I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH IT ACTUALLY HURTS MY HEART ON GOD. I love that you’re a dork, I love your stupid giggle when we talk, I love making you smile, that damn fucking smile is something I will see with my own two eyes, I love your cheesy jokes/remarks, I love your personality, I love the fact we’re so similar and how we can relate to each other. You’re seriously the best fucking friend I could ever ask for and I’ll always cherish this bond that I was able to make with you dude. I’m never going to find someone else like you. Okay time for some cheesy lines to make you do that damn adorable giggle

- If you were a flower, you’d be a sunflower (my fav flower and it shows that you’re my sun ^~^)

- If you were a book, I’d never put u down jk I’ll slam u on my desk and read u all night long LMFAO jkjk

- If you were a restaurant, you’re ass would fr be a 5 star one cause GODDAMN you’re a whole ass meal. Like the gods fr ain’t have to go all out on creating u :p the fact ur single is fr the 8th wonder of the world

- If I was able to listen to your voice at night, I’d finally be able to sleep with your monotone ass voice LMFAO jkjk I love hearing that warming and comforting voice. Not to be thirsty on main but like I’d fr would love to be in your arms and have you talk with that lovely voice and help me sleep :(

Dude I’m fr so blessed to have met you and I’m just the happiest when I’m with you. Being fr posts like these could never fully grasp how much I actually love you and I just wish for the best for you! I fucking can’t wait to see how successful you’re going to become. You work so damn hard and I’m so fucking proud of everything you’ve achieved so far dude I know this is a weird request but please let me, if possible, be invited to your college graduation :( Like I want you to come to mines as well dude but yeah I want to be there in person and just see your little ass walk on that stage and get the diploma and degree that you’ve spent hours busting ur ass off for. I would fr cry dude being serious like that’s my little Kells, everyone look at them look at how amazing they are :’) Hopefully you love this message and also I hope you do have an amazing birthday <333333 One day I will fill that void in your life and tell you in person how much I love you

Believe it ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

*U call me Naruto from time to time so here’s a perfect gif of how I would actually be irl smiling at ur beautiful ass <3

#Dude u fucking mean the world to me #You're such a special person and a one of a kind #I love you so much more than you could possibly imagine #sorry for being gay but dude i just cant help it #making this post fr made me tear up

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shark-myths · 6 years

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Dizzy On Dreams

With the concept of dreaming showing up on almost every Mania track, I’ve been itching to dig into this metaphor that Pete has used so consistently over the years. Then I thought about IOH being framed and styled as entirely within a dreamscape; then I thought, what is Folie a Deux, a shared madness, but a dream shared by two—a madness outside of reality? And remember when Pete said of Patrick, on one of his many pre-hiatus blogs, I think I dreamt him?

And then I was like, fuck. I need to write this post.

Three days later, Pete posts THIS on Twitter, framing the whole tour and possibly even the concept of touring as a dream? HOW IS A GIRL SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH THIS SHIT HONESTLY?????

So hello and welcome to shark-myths’ DREAM EXTRAVAGANZA!

Lines like FUCT’s I’m sleeping on your folks’ front porch again, dreaming show us an early romantic association with the phrase. It lays early groundwork for the use of ‘dream’ as referring to an imaginary, might-have-been, wish of a relationship that is not grounded in reality. That is not grounded in waking life. (I woke up, no luck, if you’ll permit a brief time-traveling leap to Mania—and I do devoutly believe this is how Mania is meant to be used, as a time-traveling cipher to fill out more context for earlier songs and themes, earlier joyous, unsustainable madnesses from Pete’s life.)

One of the first really meaty appearances of the word is in notorious gay anthem Gin Joints. (The Petericks definitely made out inside a crashed car; some theories place the Van Crash on the way to the Grand Theft Autumn video shoot as the likeliest time point for their first kiss, as memorialized on the cover of FUCT.) Gin Joints gives us this: We’re making out inside crashed cars, we’re sleeping through all our memories. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now I only waste it dreaming of you. This gives us an early division between his lived life and whoever (*coughPATRICKcough*) he’s dreaming of/with.

Next, IOH. It’s 2007 and, in his suicide song, Pete writes, You are the dreamer and we are the dream. This is generally read as a loving message to the fans, a reading that I fully support. The definition it gives us, of the band and/or the Petericks being the dream, is what I’m going to go with for most of this analysis.

Next significant invocation is of course, Disloyal Order, the anthemic opener for Folie, their most ambitious, artistic, and personal record yet. The record opens: I’m coming apart at the seams, pitching myself for leads in other people’s dreams. (And does this evoke the stitch line from Hold Me Tight or Don’t for anyone else? Just saying.) Disloyal Order, with the boycott love/detox just to retox chorus, is one of my all-time Peterick jams. The drug use metaphor that is so incredibly linked with Patrick alone it prominently in the realm of #trysttheory. Significant is the ‘someone else’s dreams’: it tells us Pete is focusing on a relationship, a shared and aspirational happiness he can only conceive of in dreamspace, that does not belong to him. Let’s just go ahead and assume he’s thinking about Patrick. The numbness and the blurry headedness of this song also speak to the pill addiction and other maladaptive coping Pete was relying on during this time period. He was erasing himself, trying to disappear into dreams that he hates himself for having. He was sick with what he could not have, with what he was trying to make work instead—sick on reality (Young and Menace, anyone?). And he sings about how sick he is, in Disloyal Order and throughout the album.

America’s Suitehearts, of course, is played entirely as a dream/nightmare/alternate reality. The video and the alternate personas of the boys gives us that much. And Pete writes why won’t the world revolve around me? In my dreams, trees grow all over the streets. Then the song turns into the anthem of I’m in love with my own sins; you can bow and pretend you don’t know you’re a legend; time just hasn’t told anyone else yet; I’m sorry, I just let my love loose again. What do we think this song is about guys. What sin i n p a r t i c u l a r.

And even before Disloyal Order, FAD opens with the hidden pre-track Lullabye, a song tied closely with the album art and with many people’s reaction to the stitch line in Hold Me Tight Or Don’t. The chorus is pure hope, but tinged so sad: it’s not what it seems in the land of dreams. Don’t worry your head, just go to sleep—when you wake up the world will come around. To me, this song seems to speak almost directly to the questions asked in America’s Suitehearts. It reminds Pete of the reality—that whatever he shares with Patrick is not what he wants it to be, whether it’s sex or just intimate friendship—and it also shows his hope that maybe, one of these times, he’ll wake up and reality will come around to what he’s dreaming of.

You ready to kick things up a notch post-hiatus? We need, like, the Mario Kart star song playing double-time here, because this is a new intensity level. Like, fucking grab onto something. The albums are about to transition from gay reading to gay reality.

Because what is the first SRAR single but My Songs? Besides, in the mean time, I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart. Pete is becoming bolder and more explicit about what he’s dreaming of. He writes too, now the world can never get me on my level, as if saying—even with all we’ve been through, hiatus and not talking and everything, I still love you this much. There is no dose of reality that will talk me out of this dream. All these years and I’m still dreaming of tearing you apart. The whole song speaks very aptly to the idea of secret trysting in the pre-hiatus years too, doesn’t it?

Oh, fucking Where Did The Party Go. We were the kids who screamed ‘we weren’t the same’ in sweaty rooms, now we’re doomed to organizing walk-in closets like tombs speaks to clearly to the passage of time and the way their lives have changed, how fame and age have changed them, and to nostalgia for the Van Days era Pete has always glorified in his writing. Then: so let’s fade away together one dream at a time.

My. Fucking. Heart.

As we move into post-hiatus material, you’ll notice that very often, the dreaming of becomes dreaming with in implication—Pete is identifying a collaborator, a fellow dreamer. How many times do u want me to scream TRYST THEORY ‘cuzzzzzz…

The Mighty Fall: Your crooked love is just a pyramid scheme and I’m dizzy on dreams. But if you ask me two’s a whole lot lonelier than one. Baby we should have left our love in the gutter where we found it. ‘Cause you think your only crime is that you got caught. IF THIS ISN’T ABOUT TRYST THEORY I WILL TURN IN MY BADGE AND TIN HAT, GUYS. Our love—this is not Pete watching from a closet, anymore. This is a Pete who held in his hands what he wanted most in the world and has seen it sullied or slipped away or ruined. The loneliness of trysting and each pretending they don’t want more, believing the other doesn’t either. The idea of their love being a gutter-thing pulling up associations of queerness/social taboo and infidelity. The idea of crimes and getting caught. And Pete, not caring that the trysts would never pay out on the full bid of his aching heart, because he’s dizzy on dreams. His reasoning is shot and he’s outside of reality again, so intoxicated on the moments they do share. Our drugstore cowboy. Our self-identified medicine man.

And finally, we close out the album with this: I need more dreams and less life.

😭😭😭😭😭

I CANNOT

On Pax-Am, the track Demigods (which is, imo, an incredibly important Pete-reflecting-on-himself song) gives us the question: what if it were all a dream? What is we were demigods? They’d take to our knees, raging at the half of our sins. Someone who can think about something other than blowjobs and secret sinful queerness pls offer an alternate explanation because I’m having a heart attack. If they were demigods, they’d still be half-human. They could do anything, but they’d still have to answer to the human world, wouldn’t they? And if we knew even the half of their sins…

Cue AB/AP, the Gayest Album So Far. The title track gives us I wish I dreamt in the shape of your mouth/but it’s your thread count I really care about, which is explicitly about sex. As you’re drifting off to sleep, all those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep. If this is directed at Patrick, it’s the idea that when they slip off to sleep together—in every sense of the phrase, but especially in the sense of entering dreamspace, the sometimes-shared fiction that they can enjoy for a few hours: that they are together, that they love each other out loud to each other and everyone else—that when they slip into this, it is never yours to keep. Our boy cannot set down what he knows of reality. Not even here. Altar boys (once sacred, once holy), altered boys (who they are now), we’re the things that love destroys. AB/AP is so gay and so seeded with small hopes and so, so sad. I absolutely believe that the Pete who wrote it believed he had been destroyed.

I have a lot to say on the song Centuries and the theme Pete plays with about immortality through embracing gay love—Immortals, all his references to the afterlife, all of his Pete Pan/Lost Boys fuckery has this thread—but for now, let’s talk just about mummified my teenage dreams and who we think his teenage dreams were about. The idea of legends/demigods and gold comes back here, and he evokes the concept mistake, which is a way he often writes about trysting. And: I was only born inside my dreams; I am the opposite of amnesia. Pete won’t let himself be forgotten, won’t let Patrick forget. He’s only felt wholly, truly alive and realized in those moments where they were together, or where he dreamed they were.

Uma Thurman: I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams. Is Patrick tomorrow’s dreams? If you went to your own home for the night, rather than someone else’s, you wouldn’t be left wearing last night’s clothes…

Immortals: I’ll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams, I’m the sand in the bottom half of the hour glass (meaning: something that’s already gone past), I try to picture me without you but I can’t. Also, the line you pull the blackout curtains down (just not for long) seems like Patrick denying feelings, moving away from Pete and the tryst—plunging them into daylight, reality, wakefulness. Denying him at daybreak and all that Judas-y stuff. And then returning, again and again, to the shared and darkened space of dreams.

And then. And then there’s fucking Mania.

Young and Menace: Woke up on the wrong side of reality, and there’s a madness coursing right through me. Is Pete saying he’s tired of this waking life reality that doesn’t hold space for him and Patrick to be together? Is that the madness he means—that he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and really ask for, and believe he deserves, to love Patrick out loud for the first time?

Champion: I’m back with a madness… I got nothing but dreams inside.

Last of the Real Ones: I’m here at the beginning of the end of infinity with you. I’m done with having dreams, the thing that I believe, you drain all the fear from me.

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes): on the wrong side of paradise (evokes Y&M, the idea that he’s on the wrong side of something that could be so perfect and good.) There’s nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you.

Hold Me Tight Or Don’t (and the all caps here is consistent across sources and deliberate, I think—like. Pete is not being subtle anymore and he wants us to know it.) I just pinch myself, no longer comatose. I woke up, no luck. I woke up, no luck. …I want to sleep on every piece of fuzz and stuffing that comes out of you.

Hold Me Tight, Or Don’t. Is Mania Pete’s way of saying—I don’t want to wait anymore? Let’s not just pretend, let’s have it all? Even if he’s growing out of the idea of running away down south from all of their problems, is he asking Patrick for—whatever version of a big poly happy ending he can have? Is he saying, I’m tired of pretending I don’t love you? I’ve taken too many hits off this memory and now I need more? We were never just friends? Hold ME TIGHT or DON’T????

ARE YOU GUYS WITH ME HERE????? BC I AM D Y I N G

Some gems from related themes for my true believers out there:

Grand Theft Autumn: when I wake up, I’m willing to take my chances on the hope I forget that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you.

Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over (the lyrics of which are written by Patrick, so it doesn’t fit as well with this obsessively deep dive into Pete’s interiority, but let’s acknowledge it in the canon): I can’t wake up to these reminders of who I am

I’m Like A Lawyer: me and you, setting in a honeymoon, if I woke up next to you (AAAAAAAH)

She’s My Winona: Never the same person when I go to sleep as when I wake up (likely about the fickleness of media coverage and the vagaries of fame, etc)

w.a.m.s.: when all the others were just stirring awake, I’m trying to trick myself to fall asleep again

20 Dollar Nose Bleed: Who will I be when I wake up next to a stranger?

Alone Together: I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead

Novocaine: I am your worst, I am your worst nightmare

Thank you for joining me for a thorough screechy documentation of Pete’s use of the dream metaphor and how I think it relates to Peterick! Hit me up with your own thoughts and theories and let me know if you’ve got any meta requests! More to come, and check out my lyrics meta and/or tryst theory tags to tide you over.

Brought to you by Fyne Purveyors of Bandom Crafts, the manufacturers of Tryst Theory ™, and our mother organization, the Peterick Institute

#lyrics meta #peterick #fob #fall out boy #pete wentz #tryst theory #mania #dreams metaphor #fall out boy meta #fob meta

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fedine · 6 years

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Hey answer all of those

I told you guys it would happen! I’m putting it all under a cut.

moon: what is your astrological sign?

Virgo!

gingerbread: your moral alignment

I struggle with whether or not I’m ‘chaotic’ or ‘lawful’ a lot, so I usually just settle for ‘Neutral Good’

birdseed: family or friends?

Hmm, this is a tough one always, because I love both a lot, but sometimes when it comes down to it one group is going to be healthier than the other for me to be around at certain times.

sheets: your sexual orientation

Bisexual! I am polyamorous too, but I’m in a very very happy monogamous relationship, and I plan to keep it that way.

warm milk: when do you usually fall asleep?

Usually after 12 AM, and normally before 6 AM, but it depends on what the boyfriend and I watch on Netflix that night, since we’re doing that now, or how long we decide to role play for.

pot of honey: your gender identity

Oof, this is a really hard one for me, because I’ve been questioning stuff again. I normally fall into that “feminine” category, because that’s how I present, but I am really unsure of how I actually feel on that matter on a deeper level, you know?

snow: what is your favorite time of year and why?

Autumn-Winter... It’s not even Summer yet right now, and it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. That time of year just has my favorite days/holidays too! I’d say starting in September (mine and my boyfriend’s anniversary and my birthday) until probably February (Valentine’s Day)? I think that’s when all the fun stuff is!

yarn: what are your most enjoyable hobbies?

I love repainting/customizing dolls, and I would love to get back into it! I had plans to start a little Etsy shop and a YouTube channel for it, but things haven’t gone well for that lately, so I just play a lot of World of Warcraft! Currently, I have a goal to start dual/multiboxing two Mistweaver Monks, AND raid on them (without wiping the raid). It’s gonna be tough, I know, especially in a raiding environment, but I figure if someone can 20+ box a team of Paladins in Emerald Nightmare successfully, I can handle two healers.

bicycle: what are you talented at?

I’m pretty alright at art! I used to be a great jazz bassist, but I haven’t played in years at this point.

folktale: what stories remind you of your childhood?

I don’t really have many that do, if any at all, because I don’t remember a lot of my childhood.

woods: where do you feel at peace?

I feel really at peace in... Skyrim, of all games. Usually just wandering around, exploring out in the wilderness. It really is a beautiful game, landscape wise. I also really like this one spot in the Grizzly Hills/Howling Fjord in World of Warcraft, this tiny clearing in the mountains with a tree and a couple of shrubs where my boyfriend and I go to RP a couple of my personal favorite characters. It’s where they set up camp! I like it a lot! There’s a few other places like that in WoW that have huge sentimental value to me, but if I went over every single one I’d have a massive post here!

chicken feet: what is your emotional “flaw”?

Probably my hyper focusing tendencies that cause me to fixate so hard on one goal that I MUST see it through to the point of almost self destruction, or even worse, when I hyperfixate on too many things at once and it causes me to do that but faster.

red cheeks: what makes you nervous?

Oh jeez, asking stuff from my parents, or confronting them about stuff.

sunflower: what do you love and cherish?

Okay, this is going to sound so cheesy, but... Every single moment I spend with my boyfriend. We’ve spoken for well over 12 hours a day for almost every single say we’ve known each other, since we met formally in July of last year, but I have loved every single second. I really love my boyfriend, okay? Everyone knows.......

bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most?

Oh, well, it’s in the title of this question! Brass and bronze bells are my favorite, especially the big ones!

turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday?

Spaghetti with meat in the sauce, be it meat balls or part of the sauce itself.

spit: do you get jealous easily?

Not really! I used to get more jealous about stuff, but I can’t really see myself in that position anymore, at least with like relationships.

mushroom: list unique things you like about yourself

Hmm, I gave this one some thought, but I really don’t think I have any individual traits that are “unique” because there are so many people in the world that probably display the exact same stuff like: ‘can draw well,’ or ‘can play bass nicely.’ It’s not individual unique traits that make someone unique because there really aren’t unique traits. It’s the combination of them that makes someone unique! Like bricks in a house! All of the bricks are the same, but the house isn’t.

cupboard: a good childhood memory

I remember fondly a time where I once spun a teacup ride on a carousel so fast once my younger sibling got sick. Wasn’t funny at the time but now that we’re like twelve or so years older it’s hilarious now.

eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive?

U h... Well, I really like long, messy hair, and facial hair. Blue eyes, really tall... Accent....... Really sweet, kind of shy but gets louder and sillier when you get to know him.............

fallen log: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would

I honestly never thought I would get over this one relationship I had in 10th grade, but... I got over it... Boy did I get over it... And away from it... Thank Goodness....

dagger: your worst fear

Meeting someone specific from my past, probably.

whisper: do you have any secrets?

Just one really big one, really, but I’m slowly coming to terms with it.

wild boar: which person do you feel closest to?

My boyfriend! Though I also have two best friends, one of ten years, the other of two, and then my sibling is pretty close to me as well!

sweet: what candies or cakes are you fond of?

I love sour candies a lot, and vanilla cakes are my favorite! Ice cream cakes are amazing also.

footprints: do you remember your past lives?

I think I used to, if it’s a real thing that is. I’m still trying to figure that out about myself.

fur: name an animal you feel connected to

Oh man, there’s really so many, but I love dogs and cats, ravens and cockatoos, bees... The list continues.

vodka: do you drink?

Not at the moment, but I’m turning 21 in like 5 months.

sour cherry: an obscure tradition from your family?

We eat king crab around Christmas/New Years. Specifically king crab.

pine needles: what is your favorite scent?

For Valentine’s day, my boyfriend sent me his favorite jacket to wear, and I didn’t take it off for a while because it smelled like him, and I wanted to feel like he was there with me as much as I could. Gosh, I can’t wait to steal another jacket from him meet him for the first time.

heart-shaped: do you believe in love? are you in love?

YEAH, I REALLY DO, AND YEAH, I REALLY AM.

home: where do you dream of living?

Somewhere in California still, with guess-who living with me. I’d love it if my best friends could live nearby as well, but that’s unlikely. Still, it is a dream.

spice: list your favorite herbs

Oregano and Thyme, because I use them in my meatball recipe.

mud: something you’re insecure about but trying to love

My weight. Usually when I imagine what I look like to other people I don’t really imagine anything flattering or kind to myself, but I am trying to work through it. It’s something I kind of have to live with too, no matter what, since I haven’t been able to lose weight for a few years.

tobacco: do you have any addictions?

I play World of Warcraft non-stop for several hours on end every single day. I have been for over two years, which is the longest time in my life I have since I picked the game up ten years ago.

sock: how would you describe your clothing taste?

Expensive, and usually made for much thinner people. I really like the sweet lolita fashion style, but there are a few other styles I like. All still expensive though. Except for flannel + T-shirts. Those always look good together, and are pretty nice and casual enough for me.

cuckoo clock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person?

Evening! I usually wake up past noon, and it’s not until around three or four I get to talk to my boyfriend.

wooden fence: a favorite memory

When my boyfriend asked me out!!!! Gosh, I remember it so well. We were role playing together on those two particular characters probably for the... third? Fourth time ever? Well, he asked RIGHT before we were going to start, and all of the week before I kept getting nervous around him. I had decided I wasn’t going to pursue him (because... not going to lie, I thought he was gay for a while there) but every single time he addressed me in voice chat, ESPECIALLY when we were alone, I would tense up and ask myself, “Is he going to ask me out right now?” I had rehearsed what I wanted to say to him in the situation so that if/when it happened, I would be prepared, but I forgot how to talk when it actually happened! I even thought it wasn’t going to right then; it was the one time I thought he wasn’t going to ask. Well, I went silent a couple of seconds, hitting my push to talk button a few times while my mouth hung open. I did say yes though! Both times, because he asked again after I said yes the first time!

#bf tag #tagging that because boy do i love him and talk about him a lot in here!#long post #even though it's under a cut #gem-licker

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