#like i feel like SHIT but ive already slept so much so i dont wanna do that

[giverofempathy]

hate hate hate being sick bc i feel too unwell to do my homework but i dont feel sick enough to sleep and lay in bed so i dont really know what to do so im just sitting here feeling guilty for not doing my work. siighhhh

#salisha speaks #like i feel like SHIT but ive already slept so much so i dont wanna do that #ive already kind of redecorated my room too and done some things on my laptop #now i just feel weird and tired but i dont know what to dooooo #i also have NOTHING to watch so i cant rlly do crochet while watching something #aaauughhhh i hate being sick

[walnutcookie]

When you are no longer the slep, pls go bed your health matters, can we hear about this sentient cape!? It sounds cool and I must know

i slept a few days ago but OOUA Cape time

thousands of years ago, the city of parfaedia was home to an ancient civilization. magic was..Very limited at this time ! the emperor was the only one who really had much magic power, and even then their spells were veeery limited and draining. nobles would have little magic, barely anything though, and anyone below that would have nothing

Lupine cookie (they/them) was their goddess. their powers allowed them to grant people wishes, but it would always be 50/50 on if you would get a blessing or a curse (they can control their powers but like . its their job to make it a 50/50 chance). so for example if someone got sick back then, when they didnt have proper medicine and technology to help them, theyd visit lupine and theyd either cure the person of their sickness Or make it 2x worse ! you ask them for money? you could get all the riches in the world, or you could have every last penny stripped away from you.

people really liked them at first!!! they helped save many lives or improve peoples life quality. though over time people started to get tired of the bad side of their wish granting. why would they hurt people? why are they hurting their loyal followers? who do nothing but praise them and give them gifts?

people were already starting to turn against lupine, but the last straw was when the emperor himself visited lupine, asking for a gift, and instead had something stripped away from him (i havent thought about this part yet but like it was something important). he was FURIOUS. so he gathered every single noble, and with all of their magic combined, they had enough power to seal Lupine away in a cloak. forever.

the emperor wore it on his shoulders as a prize.

flash forward to today Little phantom(bleu) is planning their first big heist!!!! i could talk more about the early days of phantom bleu/how they came to be (ive thought about it A Lot) but like i want to make a comic explaining everything soo . Basically they are planning their first big heist thats all you need to know!!! they visit eclairs museum (and they dont know the museum owner is their brother yet) and after skimming over the options they find a neat cloak in one of the exhibits ! a cloak that has been dug up thousands of years ago, theorized to have a goddess trapped inside, but it just looks like a normal cloak so eclair thinks its just a silly little fairy tale.

rogue smashes the glass and takes off with the cape, which also leads eclair to put anti-theft spells on all of his relics!!!! yay!! (he is absolutely shattered he was so proud of that cape) also this is what leads walnut to finding out about roguefort and starts their rivalry 🎉

rogue takes the cloak home and is like Yeah i guess ill use it in my new costume (they were using different clothes i dont wanna spoil anything but they changed the color scheme of their new costume to match the cape) but its like. super tattered and dirty. soooo they throw it in the washing machine

Oh Dear . Oh god oh god Aaahhhh what the FYCK!!!! WAKING UP DROWNING DYING TOSSING TURNING BEING THROWN AROUND AAAHHH PANIC DYING WHAT THE FUCK DROWNING DROWNING THROWING DYING WHAT IS THIS!!!!! after thousands of years being asleep in that cloak lupine is woken up by the Fucking Washing Machine. theyve slept through war and earthquakes and the shit that killed the dinosuars (not actually that last one) but they are woken up BY THE WASHING Machine. They cant die but they sure can feel pain in their cloak form!

roguefort opens the door and goes WAAAAHH as this UNIDENTIFIED FUCKING THING is flying frantically around the room dripping water everywhere and then they Grab it and stuff it into the dryer and the torture continues

anyways skipping ahead a bit theyve realized Hey this thing is sentient and theyre trying to understand this thing. It takes a lot of confusion and patience since lupine cant talk but uagwhkqhs stuff happens here and then rogue is like I will name you bleu :] and they repair bleu since its all tattered and stuff

phantom bleu is secretly a team name ! (their original name was just phantom mhehe)

but yea . Bleu decides that this person is precious and basically becomes a sort of guardian to them . (i mean rogue is in their thirties but lupine has been alive for... idk since the beginning of time)

and rogue is completely oblivious to it..theyre just like Haha funny cape i have no idea how youre alive but i like you :)

i think its so fucking funny thinking abt eclairs reaction to this like hes staring at the tv and going THEYRE WEARING THE FUCKING CAPE THEY STOLE FROM MY MUSEUM!!!! THEY CUT HOLES IN IT AND ALTERED IT AAUUUGGH RHEYRE GOING TO RUIN IT THEYVE ALREADY RUINED IT NOO

#rambles of madness

[hoodieofholland]

If this is too much to ask I understand, but I was wondering if you could write something with the reader telling tom the reason why she has trust issues and didn't want a relationship with him at first, and that's because all those times men in your life hurt you? 🌷

This is somewhat personal, cause ive been through a bad relationship. I still have worries that are related to things i experienced in it, things that have me thinking about postponing looking for smth serious bc i dont want it to be drama all the time. Anyways, there's love out there and you don't have to hold on smth bad, if anyone is passing through this, just let go and put yourself first, always.

Warnings: mentions of heartbreak, mentions of abusive relationship.

You play with the hem of you shirt as the two of you sit beside one another on the small sofa of your living room. Tom was worried -- his entire face showed that off. He cared about you and about your feelings in a way that got him thinking if he had taken a much more larger step than he was supposed to.

"Is it something that I did?", he asks softly, as if his words could hurt your in some sort of way. You looked up at him, blinking a few tears away as you tried to regain some strength to talk about it.

"No, it's just- I love our relationship, Tom. I truly do, but...", you try to speak.

"But you don't wanna be with me?", he can't help but ask, and then he closes his eyes briefly, "I'm sorry, I'll let you speak. Go ahead"

You sigh and smile thankfully. "I want to. Don't get me wrong... I can't stop imagining what it'd be like to be your girlfriend. We spend such a great time together and I love everything about our relationship, from everything that is physical to our conversations", it's good to finally be honest with him.

You and Tom were in a really... delicate situation. Since the first time you hook up, you made it very clear that you wanted no strings attached. You liked him since the first time your were introduced to one another, through common friends, but you still didn't want anything serious with anyone.

It wasn't Tom. It was your past.

Everything was proving to be much more difficult through months being together, because you couldn't help but fall for the brown haired boy. He was kind, sweet, always kissed you passionately and treated you like you were a really important person for him. And there were not many people who did that to you.

You were grateful for it and you thought that maybe could deal with that feeling, hiding it, in sake of your friendship with him and the time you spent together. But right after the last time you slept together, when you were laying your head on his bare chest, his slender fingers tracing circles on your back, he whispered something that made both of your chest ache in realisation.

"I'm in love with you".

You felt a coward, but you still did what you thought was the best -- you gathered your things together, just like your deepest feelings, and made your way out of his bedroom.

It's been a week since then and Tom decided to give you the space you needed, as your replies to his messages made it clear enough. When you finally felt the courage to tell him what was going on, you called him up to your place, and that's how you ended up here.

"So what's wrong, love?", Tom asks, his voice still low as he tries to understand what's going inside your head. "Look, I know I agreed with this whole no strings thing, but- I changed my mind. I mean, I thought you did too, that's why I brought it up. I'm sorry if I disrespected your space, but I had to tell you how I felt. I couldn't betray both of us this way anymore. This is much more than just a casual hook up for me now, y/n".

You bite your lips. Yes, that's exactly what you did, you lied to him and tried to lie to yourself. All because you were too afraid to say the exact same words that he is saying now.

You run your hands over your cheeks before crossing your legs on the sofa and taking a large breathe. "What is wrong, in fact, is that... I- I'm afraid. I'm afraid this might go wrong, I'm afraid that we ruin what we have".

"By taking our relationship more seriously? How come?", Tom frowns, "I'm sorry, but I'm not understanding your point-".

"I'm afraid that we might end up like my old relationships!", you finally let out, in one loud shout, facing the ground as you close your hands in tight fists. The emotions you so hardly buried inside of your chest comes out and you feel it. You remember how miserable you felt when you were dating your last boyfriend, how he made sure to put you in the lowest mindset so he could make himself more of a man, how he always wanted to get the spotlight when he was with you. He needed to be the smartest. He needed to put you down, so he could feel like a winner.

Tom goes silence, he watches as you try to come up with a better explanation, reading through your face as you lick your lips and finally look at his face again.

"It was awful. I felt awful. And what killed me for a long time was that I couldn't trust anyone. I couldn't trust anyone could truly want what was good for me. I felt so hurt. And people always acted like I was doing drama, like I was overreacting, but that's not how I felt. I- I don't wanna go through that again, Tom, and I'm just so afraid"

Tom's frown deepens on his forehead and he gets closer to you on the sofa, hesitantly asking to bring you to his arms in a soft hug. You accept it, closing yoir eyes as you let yourself get lost in his scent.

"I'm sorry about that, darling", he whispers, kissing the top of your head. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, you don't deserve it at all. You deserve to be loved, and whoever on this earth has the lucky to call you their and treat you like this... whoever did it doesn't deserve a shit. You're so- so kind and loving. And loveable", he pulls you away for a bit to look at your face, cupping your cheeks with his hand, thumb caressing your skin. "I love you, y/n. I love every piece of you, and believe me when I say I tried really hard to be loyal to our agreement and not to fall for you, but it was just... unnatural", he chuckles, rubbing away a single tear that drop from your eyes.

"I understand your worries and I'm gonna respect whatever choice you make, but... I need to say that I'm not gonna treat you like this. I'm gonna love you, if you're willing to try it. To try and be my- my girlfriend. I can give you the love you deserve, sweetheart".

You sniff, blinking away the wetness on your eyes. Tom kissed the tip of your nose, his thumbs rubbing small circles on your cheeks.

"It's up to you, y'know. I don't want to push you. But I need you to know it all", he sighs and rests his forehead against yours.

You nod slowly and smile. He was kind, he carried about you. He was your Tom this whole time, not just a hook up, not just your secret lover. He was one of your best friends. He would never put both of you in a competition, when he was always trying to put you in the spotlight, to make you laugh, to make you shine. He wasn't a dick, like your old boyfriends. Love wasn't over just because of bad experiences. Tom has showed you that, that you could fall for another man again.

You smile widens when you give him a slight peck on the lips, making him open those beautiful brown eyes.

"I want it. I want to be your girlfriend".

He smiled. And when you thought you've seen the greatest joy in Tom's face already, you were watching him glow now, taking you into a passionate kiss as both of you giggled and held into one another to share a love none of you expected in the first place.

#hoodie 600's sleepover #tom holland #tom holland blurbs #tom holland imagines #tom holland fic #tom x reader #boyfriend!tom

[detransexual]

Excuse the ill formulated thought i have not slept in a while, but i was just looking at a study of the lifetime prevalence of sexual violence in the trans community, and it made me think about how ive never seen a study on the prevalence of sexual violence that breaks it down into like, "number of incidents per person" or something? Because i dont doubt that trans identified males have a higher rate of sexual victimisation than their "cis" male counterparts, that seems fairly logical for several reasons,) ( i was MUCH higher than i expected though), but statistics like "x% of z group has faced y in their lifetime" doesnt really tell the full story? Like... How many % of those who have been victimized were victimized once, how many were victimized between 2-5 times, how many 5-10 or 10+? And would the the distribution of/between those categories be the same in TIMs and TIFs (i mean i doubt it but i really have nothing to back that up with other than patterns i can see among female vs male victims ive encountered)? How many incidents were pre transition vs post transition? Age? Like shit, i get that the more you try to break it down into categories the more complex it gets and the methodology will get more difficult, but it would be interesting to see?

This thought was sponsored by the thought "there is no way to actually compare how often TIFs vs TIMs (and possibly vs their non-trans counterparts) are victimized (and make a "risk assesment") when there is no statistics on the actual number of incidents, theoretically TIF victims might be experiencing more incidents on average than TIM victims, which would make sense considering that seems to be the trend among non trans victims, but there's really no way to check? and maybe im biased (lol) but if i am i sure would like to have that confirmed? Cause it feels like there's a potentially big problem here, if my gut feeling is right then the prevalence of sexual violence towards TIMs might be overstated which could be used to argue for their inclusion in female spaces, and if my gut feeling is wrong they might be more at risk than previously assumed and while that obviously doesnt mean they should be allowed in female spaces, but it would be important to know? Even if its just neutral and TIMs are just as likely to be victimized multiple times as TIFs or ""cis"" women are, i feel that would be important to know?

I mean either way id also love to have some accurate statistics of how many/often TIMs vs TIFs vs men vs women actually are the perpetrator, but its not like we're ever gonna be able to get accurate statistics on that since the majority of sexual violence is never reported, so its not like you could select a random group of people for each category and check their records or just ask them. I mean i think we can all guess which two groups are more likely to be perpetrators than the other two, but it'd be interesting to compare TIMs to "cis" men and TIFs to "cis" women.

Ive said "cis" alot here and i wanna clarify that its literally just shorter than saying "non-trans identified" and just saying men or women would still include TIMs and TIFs respectively per definition. Anyway. Its 8 in the morning, i have no idea if any of this makes sense or is possible or already exists, ive just never seen it and im in big brain sleep deprivation mode or whatever

#Op

[harrywritingsbyme]

Anyone else have a love- hate relationship with your period? TM WARNING lol

Like i love my period for the exuses i get to use but hate it too

Like i NEVER have to take medicine even when on- today i had to take ibuprofen just because my period gives me a fuckin headache all the tome when on it but today- I literally haven’t slept in well over 24 hours and i have to stay awake for class but cannot stand the bullshit my teachers say and deal with a headache at the same time-

I also hate my birth control pills (im still a vergy its to control my period) but the thing is whith them is that I literally dont care about them that much which means i have gotten so behind on them that i LITERALLY haven’t had a good/heavy period in over 2 months (ik ik not healthy) besides for spotting so this week im have a really really heavy one since ive gotten back on track. Which means i have to use tampons cuz they are the only thing that i dont have to change every five minutes and i DISPISE fucking tampons cuz why the fuck should i shove somthin up my 🐱and feel like i have to pee or start having cramps just because something is up there-

ON THE TOPIC OF PADS

I hate them but love them- so i never trim- dont see the point- which means that my bush is really long sometimes- and i use the super long ones (not the ultra long) cuz my period blood can spread. I hate having to literally PULL my bush out of the sticky part of the pad cuz it won’t stick to my underwear- my vergina is already fuckin sintive as it is because of being on my period- that just makes it ten times worse. I like using pads cuz i don’t usually have a very heavy period which means i never have to use tampons but other than that i hate it. 

I really really really want to buy a nice pj set and sheets but I refuse because of my fucking period too.

ONTO OTHER TOPICS

Why cant pads or tampons be free!? Like hunny- Some of us are broke as shit and can’t afford it half the time and all you doing is making the fucking prices go up. Ridiculous

Dont even get me started on the topic of MEN

Fucking idoits thinking tehir life is hard and that we disurve yhe way they treat us- like (big big warning here) lets say soemone gets r$&@d they say it’s because of the way she dressed. Bitch what the fuck!? If us woman go out in a short skirt and tank top we physically have to keep an eye out for predators just because we started to feel confident and comfortable in our clothes to go out. Why should woman have to check their back seats before getting in the car!? Why should we have to hold out keys like a weapon?! Why should we have to make sure our windows are locked 3 times before going to bed. But men cant? Then men have a adulasity to say things like how we arnt strong enough like bitch what the fuck does your dick do? Does it literally PUSH a HUMAN out of it?!? Doe sit bleed every damn month? No so fuck off- our bodys lets expain that- we have periods because our verginas got prepared to be pregnant but we never did so our body decided have some fuckin revenge and make us bleed every month-

Men treat women like objects. There are only a few who understands litteraly every i just said.

As you can tell- ive had a bad day and its only 9 am.

Im on my period and just want cuddles from harry a guy who actually understands shit like this 🥺🥺

Ive never taken medicine during my period and ive having tok because i cant stand shit today. I havent slept in 24 hours and had a mental breakdown at 6am today.

I wanna sleep but i cant cuz i want to advoide getting yelled at at all costs. If i skip school taht means i get yelled at. Even if it was to fuckin sleep.

The next time i get yelled at for not turning in grades imma just sit there and cry. Like its not my failt km mentally unstable rn because of school its not my fault I literally have no motivation to do shit tgat i WANT to do.

I got yelled at for me starting to clean my room but not finishing it for god over a week because i lost all motivation to do literally anything even eating.

Sorry i needed to rant- But about the period and men shit- prodve me wrong if you can

-🧩

this was a ranttttt...but im rlly glad that you got all of this off your chest babes🥰😂🥺❤️periods and men definitely suck!!! but I hope that you're able to get back on track with your birth control, I hope your periods become less of a strain and not as painful, i hope that feminine products will be free in the future bc none of us CHOSE to have a period, i hope that all the bad men in the world get yeeted off a cliff, i hope that you're able to find some peace in your life and in regards to your school work, i hope that you're able to regain some motivation to get some things done, and i hope you find a great guy that isn't a piece of shit🥰❤️ilysm bbyyy!!

#asks #anonymous

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: [Enough time later that you might think you’ll not hear from him again, realistically like a day or two but given what you did it’d seem like longer/regret and dip ‘cos ya should but we know that ain’t it]

Joe: you spent Charlie’s modelling money yet

Ronnie: long gone baby like you

Ronnie: if you were after a cut shouldve taken it sooner

Joe: nah, it’s yours

Joe: his but sounds like he enjoyed himself, by her account

Joe: no need to ask what you spent it on

Ronnie: but you wanna hear my account yeah

Ronnie: thats what this is

Joe: do you think that’s what this is

Ronnie: youre not taking up space in my head mckenna

Joe: and not in your diary, as you pointed out up top

Joe: busy busy yeah

Ronnie: i werent asked to audition to be a doss student cunt 💔

Ronnie: & the one he brought back didnt fancy me enough to ask me to join in either

Ronnie: busy getting out their way

Joe: leave it a couple years you’ll be a mature student and they ask less questions

Joe: how rude

Joe: after you told him about your massive cock and everything? 💔

Ronnie: go ed and dig me up when youve graduated then

Ronnie: 3s a crowd when 2 of em are scousers & the others from fuck knows where didnt have you to translate or the horse for scale

Joe: after an invite? Sure thing, sis

Joe: not Kent then, gutted

Ronnie: less questions you said put your ? away gobshite

Ronnie: not england but i aint a skinhead who cares so hes as alive as dorothy ever leaves em

Joe: people love that though

Joe: black EDL members and asian conservatives, such a laugh for ‘em

Ronnie: too late to go back and put the boot in now he ll have been shown the door & it wasnt me getting a name or number

Joe: his loss all ‘round then, I get it

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: alright, so I need linking

Ronnie: you got cash or you selling yourself

Joe: I’ve got cash, just not the contact

Ronnie: hand it over ill pick up for you

Joe: you think i’m that green

Ronnie: what colour do you reckon you are

Joe: you’ve got no prejudice, apparently, so what’s it matter

Joe: [picture of some of the multi-coloured bruises you acquired]

Ronnie: he was a pussy & you want me to connect you to people who aint

Ronnie: youre an easy target

Joe: you wanna pocket my money yourself instead, I get it

Joe: you can have a % of the shit, alright

Joe: not asking you to do it for nothing

Ronnie: thats all theyd do when you show up with your baby face and habit

Ronnie: ill take your money & still have it pocketed cos i dont need student loans to score no shit are you asking me to do it for nothing

Joe: what you gonna give me to keep hold of ‘til you give me mine

Ronnie: add an arm to your collection what do i care

Joe: yeah, what do ya

Ronnie: you want a easy pick up get a schoolboy plug i dont know any

Ronnie: i care about money youre ready to waste

Joe: that’s part of the appeal

Joe: why get it in a safe, nearly legitimate way

Joe: half the fun, eh, alright, alright

Joe: do it then, I don’t know no fucker else I can ask yet, I’ve gambled on worse

Ronnie: i just wanna get it thats the fun

Ronnie: get into a fight with whoever the fuck you like whenever for a pissing contest

Joe: you wanna start one ‘fore I’ve given you the cash and you’ve given me mine?

Joe: that’s blatant bullshit

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: save your childish excitement for the phone call home like

Joe: nah, you’re full of shit that it’s not just as much about the company and authentic experience

Joe: there’s plenty dealers that are nowt but businessmen

Joe: nothing but a transaction and they’ll sell to a junkie and city banker as one in the same

Joe: don’t act like you don’t have a deathwish or what was the point of taking me there and showing me

Ronnie: where the fuck am i meeting buisinessmen or getting the cash to pay em

Ronnie: dont be fucking rem

Joe: everyone’s stupid enough to wanna get their dick sucked over cold hard cash every other deal, no matter how presentable or legit they play

Ronnie: ive got the links ive got

Joe: fine

Joe: where you wanna do this then

Ronnie: whats your problem

Ronnie: [but a location anyway]

Joe: what’s mine

Joe: thought we’d covered that in length or are you less convinced now

Ronnie: convinced youve got fuck all to cry about

Joe: obviously

Joe: definitely bother with you if that were true

Ronnie: you wanted a big sister im doing all the hand holding

Joe: I never did and I still don’t

Joe: but you carrying on with the pretence if it makes you feel better

Ronnie: i didnt come to you or ask for fuck all to make me better

Joe: yeah you’re blameless

Joe: all in my fucked up head and not yours

Joe: what’s it like being an 👼🏼

Ronnie: i already told you you aint in my head & you werent in my veins for long enough to get fucking soft about it

Joe: i’ll be there in [however long that’d take you]

Ronnie: boss

Joe: you sound like them, you know

Ronnie: i dunno who the fuck youre talking about

Joe: the rest of the fam, of course

Joe: glad to see that the level of chatting bollocks to make yourself feel better is genetic, s’not depressing at all

Ronnie: that still dont clear fuck all up for me except that youre a bigger cunt than i thought

Joe: you don’t think about me

Joe: and none of that shit happened, your memory loss and confusion extends to that, don’t worry

Ronnie: you like me but you still compare me to em every chance you get

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: yeah, fuck me

Joe: like you haven’t just

Joe: forget it, actually forget it

Ronnie: youre as full of shit as you reckon I am

Ronnie: forget that its been ages & youre speaking up now cause you want something

Joe: i haven’t been able to flick my brain onto anything else, never mind shut it down, I haven’t slept or eat or done anything to take me away from it, you

Joe: and it meant nothing to you

Joe: fuck you

Ronnie: gear not me

Ronnie: theres the authentic experience you were going on about

Joe: no

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: this is what I mean

Joe: you know as well as I do what it was

Joe: why are you fucking lying and saying I am

Ronnie: im a junkie all i do is lie & nothing else means anything to me

Ronnie: youre worse than green if you dont fucking know that

Joe: you’re lying that it meant nothing

Joe: not lying that it did

Joe: even if it made you fucking sick, that isn’t nothing and I don’t believe you

Ronnie: dont believe me i dont care who the fuck are you

Joe: your brother

Ronnie: youre nothing

Joe: yeah right

Ronnie: the dealer means more

Joe: already pointed out you’re that much of a cliche

Ronnie: what we can’t both be a cliche take it then

Joe: never heard that one

Ronnie: nows your chance to make a final comparison between me & whatever family member you hate or are turned on by the most

Joe: final chance, alright then, sound even more stupid

Ronnie: sound like more of a pussy that youre kicking off over this but not gonna fuck off

Joe: why would I?

Joe: i’m not pretending that it weren’t a thing

Ronnie: nah youre pretending it was

Ronnie: whoever the fuck ever told you youre special is the liar here like

Joe: your mate don’t count, you ain’t done that before either so fuck off with your jaded routine

Ronnie: hes my brother when & where it counts

Joe: there’s no blood and no reason not to go there, that’s where it counts

Ronnie: if i wanted to fuck you too your ma wouldnt stop me she means even less than you

Joe: yeah

Joe: you and your life aren’t totally fucked because of how much you care

Ronnie: you dont know shit about me or my life

Joe: you wish

Ronnie: you dont

Joe: or do you, actually

Joe: you shove it in everyone’s face, what do you reckon everyone thinks

Ronnie: youve seen a few scars & now youve seen into my soul yeah

Ronnie: shut the fuck up for all you know i lived a couple of doors down from you for your whole bullshit childhood

Joe: you look like that and reckon it doesn’t scream mommy issues? Fuck off, you aren’t that dumb

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: everything you do is pure about her

Joe: not everything but I can admit she contributed

Ronnie: shes the 1st bitch to fuck me over but not the only is the difference between us

Ronnie: that unwanted bullshit was a pattern

Joe: you don’t know me either

Ronnie: i know you had a set of parents who kept hold of you however fucking west you were

Ronnie: no cunt was calling you racist shit or trying to touch you up

Joe: you’ve got a monopoly on fucked then, got it

Ronnie: like fuck have i but mine dont start & stop at mommy dearest how you think

Joe: of course it doesn’t

Joe: neither does mine

Ronnie: stop acting like youre an expert on how and why my head is wrecked and i wont have to kick yours in

Joe: you started it

Joe: but that’s good with me

Ronnie: get over yourself mckenna

Ronnie: you like what i start

Joe: i prefer the other night

Ronnie: yeah i like when youre getting punched in the face too

Joe: you can do the honours in a bit

Joe: fuck healing, yeah

Ronnie: what did your girlfriend say

Joe: oh, I got mugged and her dad’s gonna get her some pepper spray and a rape alarm 👍

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: but she ll have dreamt you fell off the horse only got the single fantasy in her

Joe: that her dad’s so responsible and caring? would be her #2 if she had the range

Ronnie: if hes delivering that shit in person let me know so i can start something with him

Joe: oh god

Joe: that reminds me

Joe: She wants to invite Charlie over for like, a dinner party or something

Ronnie: if her daddy is there hes gonna need that rape alarm back off her to fend off mary

Joe: 😂

Joe: idk if she’s that oblivious and now wants Charlie to fuck her, or she thinks he’s my only mate 🙄

Ronnie: shes over you baby i scared her off

Joe: or she thought you was gonna ask for a line 😏

Joe: if that’s true I’ll owe you, again

Ronnie: ket hook up

Joe: you think she’ll let her love be in pain on your behalf?

Joe: not likely

Ronnie: not gonna ask politely

Joe: hot

Joe: I was gonna hit you up sooner

Joe: I tried to find you after

Ronnie: you didnt try hard

Joe: I only had one eye, by that point

Ronnie: im an attention whore with screaming mommy issues cant make it no easier to spot me in a crowd

Joe: in that crowd?

Joe: or will you be pissy if I call you dime a dozen

Ronnie: still got the accent as my own personal rape alarm

Joe: where’d you go then

Ronnie: youre a tourist theres no point telling you

Joe: if you left with that lad, no need to go over the details, got the picture

Ronnie: why the fuck would i leave with him

Joe: you mean you weren’t in his pants for his benefit

Joe: careful, getting bit close to honesty

Ronnie: i mean to go where i dont need a horse or an en suite

Ronnie: youre a hopeless romantic like

Joe: that’s a new complaint, I’ll tell my exes

Joe: deffo their fault after-all, buzzing

Ronnie: how many are there

Joe: get less slut-shaming off Soph, cheek

Joe: I dunno, I had to keep it moving because of all the secret mommy issues, you know

Joe: I’ll do a tally

Ronnie: its not already carved into your arm no wonder theyre pissy at you

Joe: if that worked for any of ‘em they could come back from the ex thing

Joe: 💔

Ronnie: try her initials whatever the fuck they are in between dinner party courses and win her back

Joe: you should come

Ronnie: id be made up if she pepper sprays me

Joe: it’d be the only way this won’t be the worst evening ever

Ronnie: loads of ways to take out your other eye ill pass you a spoon

Joe: give a go doing my A-Z carving with it too

Joe: 🤞 she invites her twink classmate and you can try for your threesome

Ronnie: she’ll get in there before us cause youll have distracted me with the state of your cackhanded 💘 carving

Joe: can’t say I’d be sorry

Ronnie: you catholics invented anal but i reckon its overrated

Joe: you’d probably feel different if that’s where your g-spot was but can’t say I disagree with that either, not that that’s anything too deep to have in common so we’re fine

Joe: and raised strictly un-catholic so the pope can’t have a go

Ronnie: nah no cunt would find it if it was there either

Joe: 💔 baby

Ronnie: you mean it

Joe: yeah

Joe: which bit, though

Ronnie: my invite to the shitshow

Joe: ‘course

Joe: if it’s shit, you’ll only have yourself to blame for not livening it up enough

Joe: and I will have to kill myself if I have to be there sincerely

Ronnie: he knows about you

Ronnie: might wanna kill yourself if he opens his mouth

Joe: oh

Joe: so I’m gonna have to act all nice and respectful, yeah

Ronnie: if you wanna make me sound full of shit

Joe: what did you say?

Ronnie: told him i shot you he werent best pleased about it but youre not his brother so fuck all he can do

Joe: sweet

Joe: still not gonna fuck him though

Ronnie: hed get your g spot for you 🍒

Joe: not if he’s worried about my innocence

Ronnie: hes worried about my head getting wrecked not yours only bitch who is

Joe: you’ll have to tell him what you told me

Joe: I ain’t in there

Ronnie: you fairies bring everything back to your obsession with your mothers course hes no fucking exception

Ronnie: & cos i stole my file when i was a kid he thinks i give a shit too you were part of the happy 🏡 picture he was getting in a flap about but i tore through that 🌈 optimism with the 💉

Ronnie: you can have lively

Joe: better he knows than goes on about it

Joe: it’s far from 🌈☀️ even if you were up for it

Ronnie: every soft lad but him knows its ⛈ if not outright 🌨

Joe: when I started looking, if you were like them, I weren’t even gonna bother to talk to you

Joe: just give her the info and let her do it herself

Joe: but I knew you weren’t

Ronnie: told you youd have liked me at 9

Joe: 😏 yeah yeah

Ronnie: shed have bailed before scrolling that far back even with the pure messy sketchy shit kept off for the sake of dorothys cv

Joe: idk,she bangs on about her own glory days as ‘precaution’ enough

Joe: probably dead proud

Ronnie: raincheck on dinner i gotta go slit my throat after hearing that like

Joe: yeah, it’s real fun

Joe: far as starters go though, you’re welcome

Ronnie: cos you owe me go ed & drag my corpse there dress it up like horse girl and send her that info so i dont make her proud yeah

Joe: gotcha

Joe: the fibres sending Soph down are an unfortunate side-affect or added bonus, depending how you feel

Ronnie: dressing like a dyke art teacher is shady to my mourners hed have loved having me on the team

Joe: sure she wants to be buried in her jodhpurs, like

Joe: not gay but kink-adjacent, he’ll be alright

Ronnie: inside the horse youll have to hollow it out for her

Joe: poor horse not ready to be made into glue but there we go

Ronnie: but when youre ready to follow me to the grave only need a plastic bag

Joe: follow you anywhere, or whatever sounds good in a song

Ronnie: not had a little brother like that before

Ronnie: never know the mime is behind you or not

Joe: he shy or you cut his tongue out altogether

Ronnie: saving that for you cos i know how you feel about 🍒 & theres fuck all else left

Ronnie: hed never get attention whore out or mommy issues w & m forget it

Joe: I can feel the slutshame

Joe: there hasn’t been hundreds, come on

Joe: you were being weird, I needed to get you talking, it worked

Ronnie: how many then

Joe: I guess 6 total, not counting anyone before like 15 because that isn’t real, maybe 7 but we might be pushing the term girlfriend there

Ronnie: 💘 how many songs

Joe: not destined for the bin? Fuck all

Joe: cliche points off the charts though

Ronnie: i know youve seen the busking vids hes still got posted up that im in i cant say shit

Joe: you’re good

Joe: even when you have to go Top40 for the tips

Joe: class thing about the cello, looks more pitiful ‘cos the case is massive, people try to fill it, like

Ronnie: soz im not killing myself fast enough for you

Ronnie: miss me with your schoolboy cliches 🖕

Joe: don’t worry, the songs were ‘insert name here’ jobs if they were anything

Joe: don’t wanna sound like I’m singing about a 75 year old bloke, do I

Ronnie: if itd been changed you wouldnt have found me shit at stalking as you are songwriting like

Joe: you’ve already got your own song anyway, don’t be greedy

Ronnie: ill keep you some 🐴 if youre not

Ronnie: 1st thing i tried if you do wanna follow after us

Joe: trip down memory lane we can both handle

Joe: ‘course

Ronnie: dont have any exes itll have to do

Joe: prefer the ket

Ronnie: write a song about it

Joe: [blatantly will in a pisstake way]

Ronnie: k gonna be dead easy to carve with the spoon can do it rattling

Joe: your faith in my abilities is appreciated

Ronnie: youre not fucking here youll have to

Joe: just got out the station hold on

Ronnie: fuck telling me to hold on you hurry up

Joe: if you shut up I can run

Ronnie: can you

Joe: fuck off i’m not that unfit 😂

Ronnie: nah dead fit far as homos and horse girls reckon

Joe: lucky me

Ronnie: youve had 7 bitches no cunts gonna feel sorry for you

Joe: all various shades of boring though

Ronnie: no shit

Joe: so you’re saying you ain’t gutted for me? 💔

Ronnie: your virginity sob story is like me in that crowd of cunts you couldnt find your way through

Joe: Christ, don’t remind me, first and last time I ever went near a virgin

Ronnie: theyre all older than you itd be pathetic well as boring

Joe: exactly

Joe: too much hassle having to worry about them, destroys any point of doing it

Ronnie: gotta put their kids in the cupboard as is

Joe: fortune in gaffa tape, like

Ronnie: still not 💔 mckenna going on about how flush you are since i met you

Joe: amazing how far you can stretch the loans when you steal Soph’s food and do fuck all that ain’t necessary

Joe: not like I actually dated any sugar mommies

Joe: should’ve, clearly but carefree 18-25s are easiest actually

Ronnie: gears necessary now youre gonna have to start stealing more than her pasta shapes

Joe: you’re my manager now, are you 😏

Joe: there’s shit I can do, music gigs, it’s fine

Ronnie: fine for your baby habit

Ronnie: it wont last

Joe: alright doom and gloom

Joe: not gonna learn how to cover my teeth yet

Ronnie: fuck off & fuck you

Joe: i’m here so come say it to my face

Ronnie: youre not better than me cos you can nod through a cello practice

Joe: where’d I say I was

Ronnie: when you said how fucking functional you are

Joe: I didn’t, I said I could get cash, that’s all

Ronnie: so can i its not the fucking point

Joe: and I didn’t say you couldn’t so what’s yours

Ronnie: youre not a fucking kid at the pool if youre gonna pussy out cos the waters too cold fucking do it

Joe: I’m in and you know that

Joe: so let me in

Ronnie: bullshit are you

Ronnie: youre proud of yourself for treading water

Joe: you’ve got the plug, I’ve got the cash, what is the problem with that

Joe: it’s an equalizer, if anything

Ronnie: we ll never be equal

Ronnie: you can cover your arm run off to class & pick up another boring girl whenever the fuck you like

Joe: what do you want me to do, seriously

Joe: say it

Ronnie: stop talking

Ronnie: fucks sake

Joe: [Show up hun]

Ronnie: [I love the idea that they have to wait around for ages for this dealer in awkward silence haha]

Joe: [the casual tension]

Ronnie: [god knows what she’s gonna use to ease the tension with a lil bit o self harm because god knows where they even are, I worry about you and all the infections you would get gal]

Joe: [the casual one-upmanship until you’re interrupted]

Ronnie: [we know she’s not paying him in cash and we know why she’s not please don’t get into another fight Joseph]

Joe: [got to let that one go as she was specifically like you’re not better than me, probably fuck off whilst that happens ‘cos not gonna stick about]

Ronnie: [take your heroin and calm down huns]

Joe: [hope you take enough to pass out ‘cos you’re not gonna be in any sort of mood now either of ya lol]

Ronnie: [we’ll do you both that favour]

[intricate-oeuvre]

say it before you run out of time || B. Hardy || part V

part I  part II  part III  part IV  part V  part VI  part VII   part VIII  part IX  part X  part XI  part XII part XIII

Word count: 1.7.k

Summary: Ben and the reader have been friends since childhood. And along the way reader falls in love with him. But it might be too late when another girl shows up claiming that she’s his girlfriend.

Warnings: drinking, smoking, horrible writing tho, i dont know where i am going with this

A/n:Thank you for reading! I haven’t slept for last 22ish hours and I am holding on the RedBull, so pray for me. hmu if you want to be tagged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***gif- courtesy of google // if it’s yours hit me up so I can credit you

For a second you heard absolutely nothing. Just dreading the water that was in front of you. You were never the biggest fan of deep water. You felt comfortable with it till you could reach the ground with your feet, but after that it was no go for you.

Moments later you heard cheers, probably indicating that shit is about to hit the fan.

Next second you felt sharp push under your shoulder blades. Ben’s shoulder digging into your back.

First moment there is shock. The cold water enveloping you.

After that there is that sinking feeling that brings panic. You can’t reach anything; it feels as if you are sinking endlessly in black hole.

Only thing that keeps you sane at this moment are Ben’s arms around your midsection.

Panic probably was taking a hold of your mind way too much because for a split second you didn’t feel the burning sensation in your lungs that were starting to scream for air.

“Get her out…” you suddenly heard Ben’s voice as you both surfaced back up. His strong arm still securely wrapped around your waist as he brought you both to the edge of the pool, where his friends pulled you out.

Now sitting on the edge of the pool, legs still dangling in water as Ben was holding on to your knees.

“Are you alright?” Ben asked, brow furrowed in worry, tapping your knee.

“Yeah…” you coughed and grabbed at your chest.

“She looks like wet rat.” Someone in back said. Rose, Maddie, Ben and his friends turned to the voice. Except you, only opting to stare at your hands in your lap.

“Ignore them.” Rose said and rubbed your back. Ben looked back at you, running hand through his wet hair.

“Get her inside. She’ll freeze.” Ben said, still searching your face, as he wasn’t sure if to believe you when you said you were alright.

“And you won’t?” your eyes shot to him. He didn’t answer, just gave you a small chuckle and pulled him self out of the pool next to you.

“Come on, go in, y/n.” Ben sighed and looked back at Nina.

“Did she do her dare or not?” Ben stood up, his hands raised, waiting for approval.

“Yeah, yeah…” Nina smirked, walking closer to Ben.

“Let’s go.” Maddie said, feeling that whatever was about to happen, wasn’t for your eyes. She and Rose pulled you up and brought you in the house.

“I am wet as a rat-“ you recalled when you walked in the bathroom with Rose and Maddie behind you.

“I didn’t bring any clothes with me.” You rolled your eyes, looking at the mirror.

“Don’t you leave any when you stay over?” Rose asked.

“Well, not really… well… probably, yeah… but who the fuck knows where they are now.” You furrowed your brows. It wasn’t like you owned a room here to leave your clothes in. Sometimes, you just lost them because you misplaced them and didn’t put them back into your bag and later on forgot about them.

“I’ll be right back.” Rose said with small smile playing on her lips.

“What is she doing?” You raised your eyebrow at Maddie.

“I have no idea.”

“If she asks Nina… I’ll kill her….” You groaned and held sink with annoyed expression.

Next moment Rose was back and she wasn’t alone.

“What did you do?” you tilted your head at Rose.

“Stop leaving clothes at my place.” Ben grinned standing behind Rose, wearing dry jeans and drying his hair with towel. That boy needed to learn how to wear shirt more often. Not that you were complaining. For a second you panicked. What did you leave at his place???

“Come, let’s find you something dry to wear.” Ben said and turned around, waiting for you to follow him.

“You are dead.” You pointed at Rose when you passed her.

Walking couple steps behind Ben, both of you arrived at his bedroom. Not that you were first time in here, but surely first time in here since he was sharing it with Nina. For a moment you stopped in doorway.

“Are you coming?” Ben turned around and looked at you, folding towel in half.

You looked around, but didn’t say anything.

“Nina is not here, if that was what you were wondering.” Ben said with slight roll of his eyes. With small nod you stepped into the room.

“You have tendency to leave your stuff here all the time.” Ben chuckled, making his way to his walk-in closet.

“You should be able to find something in there.” Ben tapped one of the lower drawers with his foot and went on to search for a t-shirt to wear.

As he was rummaging through the hangers and shelves for shirt, you sink to your knees on the floor and slowly opened the drawer.

What did you leave here??? It was dreadful thought.

You glanced in the drawer.

“What the fuck?” you mumbled. Why were you leaving so many socks here, and how you hadn’t run out of them at your dorm because of this? There also where two t-shirts, your shorts that you thought you had lost, scarf that was probably here since last season.

“Shit.” You hissed when your hand touched a long-lost fabric.

“Is everything alright?” Ben asked, already wearing white t-shirt.

“Yep.” You squeaked and balled up in your fist that small piece of clothing. How in the hell did you manage to leave black lacy panties in his house????

Quickly grabbing random shirt, shorts and a pair of socks you jumped up.

“Found something?” Ben tilted his head to the side.

“Aha.” You were looking anywhere but him.

“You can change in the bathroom. Towels are there.” Ben said, eyeing you carefully.

“Thanks.” You said and quickly made your way to his bathroom. Shutting the door behind yourself you leaned against it.

“Shit. Fuck. What the bloody hell.” You whisper-shouted as you threw your clothes on the counter and looked at the piece of clothing that you had bunched up.

“Somebody kill me.” You whined and changed into dry clothes. Putting on those damned panties and shorts you looked at the shirt. You’ll freeze in that. Grabbing the towel and holding it against your bare chest you stuck your head out of the bathroom.

“Ummm… Ben?” You quietly called out.

He was laying on his bed, stomach down, and scrolling through his phone. Frankie was lying beside him, but upon hearing you open the doors, the dog jumped off the bed and made her way to you.

“Done?” He asked, raising his eyes up to look at you.

“Actually, could you lend me like… some hoodie or something, please?” You held out your t-shirt in your hand. Ben only hummed in response and rolled off the bed to walk back into the closet.

While he was doing that, you listened to the song that was coming from downstairs, silently mumbling along the lyrics:

“Your body’s poetry, speak to me, Won’t you let me be your rhythm tonight, move your body, move your body, I wanna be your muse, use my music…”

“Is there a song to which you do not know the lyrics?” Ben chuckled walking out of the closet.

“Maybe only a couple.” You laughed and moved the shirt that was in your hand, waiting for exchange.

“I said to keep this one.” Ben said as he gave you his sweater. You looked down at the yellow sweater that you had left on the sofa this morning.

“I really shouldn’t.” You mumbled.

“It’s only a sweater, y/n.” Ben chuckled, still waiting for you to take the mentioned piece of article. Well, yeah. Only a sweater. Only HIS sweater.

With small nod you reached out to grab the sweater, but froze for a second when you looked towards the window, concentrating now on the song that was playing.

“Who listens to this song?” You mumbled.

“As if you didn’t like 50 shades.” Ben reminded you, when he took a second to recall the name of that song. ( a/n: For you by Liam Payne & Rita Ora)

“It’s a good book and movie, alright?” You said finally taking the sweater from him. Slightly brushing your fingers against his hand. Why did it suddenly cause sparks to run up your hand? Charging you up. As if it was jump-starting your heart.

“Thank you.” You said and turned to walk in the bathroom to finally get done with changing, leaving small gap in the doors still opened. Trying to calm your racing heart.

“Hey, y/n?” Ben asked, his voice giving away to the fact that he was still somewhere near the door.

“I’m going to go for a smoke. Join me?” he asked.

“Where?” you said, walking out of the bathroom in his yellow sweater on your bare torso and shorts, your hair still damp.

Ben was now standing near the window looking down at the pool, where party was still going on. Your eyes drifted along every person, trying to understand where Ben was looking. It didn’t take you long to find Nina. Sitting in Dom’s lap and making out with the man.

“Pool-house.” Ben said turning to you, stuffing pack of cigarettes and lighter in his pocket. You nodded.

Tearing your eyes away from the window you looked at him. Not sure what you were seeing in his green eyes.

“Ben, are you al-“ you started quietly.

“I need a cigarette.” Ben dodged your question and grabbing your hand went out of the room.

Why did it feel like two heart-broken people were dragging each-other somewhere where it was impossible for other to follow?

You were broken because he had found his love and it was not in you. And you wanted to get away from him because it hurt too much to be around him when he felt so far away.

He was broken because he thought Nina could be his one, but wasn’t sure what the named girl actually wanted from him. And he couldn’t understand what to do with the feelings he was having towards the girl who’s hand he was holding at the moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tags: @brianandthemays @queen-turtle-boiii  @rogahloveshiscar @radiob-l-a-hblah @scarsout @sara-1705 @babydazz @mercurycrowley @drowse13 @ironicallyrog @moe-jazzello @forbbidensunlust @virtualsheepeat @vanitysfairr @luvborhap

#ben #benjamin #benjamin jones #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy fanfic #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy x you #ben hardy x female reader #ben hardy x oc #Queen #bohrap #bohemian rhapsody #xmen #warren worthington iii #mary shelley #woman in white #friends to lovers #angst

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart - Part 5

When i woke up Bucky was gone, i looked at the clock and saw it was a little after 11am so he was probably down in the gym with Steve. I grabbed his t-shirt from the floor and quickly walked down the hall to my room to take a shower and make myself presentable. After my shower i pulled on some baby pink sweats and a black crop top, braided my hair and headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine.

"Good morning sunshine!" Tony beamed at me over his coffee cup.

"Morning, i cant believe i slept in this late!" I muttered grabbing a pre-prepared fruit bowl from the fridge.

"Well you'll be nice and rested before the gala tonight"

"The what?"

"The charity Gala, we hold it every year"

"Right! Shit i forgot that was tonight"

"Obviously" he rolled his eyes at me "you'll be there though, right?"

"Yeah of course" I nodded "I'm gonna head down to the gym for a bit. I'll see you later".

Walking into the gym most of the team were already there. Bucky looked up when i walked in, gave me a little smile and carried on with his weights.

"Shes alive, no one panic!" Nat said loudly with a huge grin on her face.

"Haha! Your funny Nat!" I walked over to her and started on my stretches "how was the rest of your night with those guys?"

"It was okay, they didn't stick around too long. Guess they realised we weren't gonna put out" she shrugged

"They seemed sleazy, thats why i said we were leaving. But noooo you guys wanted to stay, cant say i didn't try"

"Im sorry, next time i will listen to you" Nat laughed "so you ready for the Gala tonight? Another excuse for us to have a few too many drinks"

"I am now, i forgot all about it.... Tony just kindly reminded me.

"Why don't me and Wanda come to your room to get ready, we can have a couple of pre drinks and help each other get ready"

"Yeah sounds good to me, say 6pm?"

"Perfect! We might even find you a nice man at this thing. Unless you wanna go on your little app and find a date?"

"No not tonight, i just wanna hang out with you guys" i shrugged, casually looking over towards Bucky to see if he was listening or not..... he wasn't. He actually had headphones in and had his back to us. Steve was on the bench next to Bucky doing some weights and he turned and flashed me a smile.

"Right okay..... lets do this" i said to Nat taking up my stance infront of her "try not to bruise me too much, dont want people at this party thinking im being abused"

"I'll go easy on you this time and this time only. After today your mine!" She joked as she lunged towards me. We spent the next 45 minutes exchanging softs blows and various flips and tosses onto the mat.

Bucky still hadn't said a word to me yet, i had caught his eye a few times and waved but he flat out ignored me!! What the hell was going on?? I didn't dream it all i know that, i could still feel the tenderness from the huge cock that ruined me throughout the night.

Bucky was alone suddenly, Steve was no where in sight so i casually walked over to where Bucky was now working his legs.

"Hey Buck" i smiled, he looked up pulling out his headphones.

"What did you say?"

"I just said hey, havent had a chance to talk to you this morning"

"Yeah ive been busy, sorry"

"So last night was fun....." i stared to say, he was acting so weird this morning. His phone went off and he looked down at a message.

"Can we talk about this later, i've gotta go" he said standing up and grabbing his things.

"Sure" i nodded looking anywhere but at him, maybe last night was a huge mistake.

"Hey Nat, im gonna head back up thats it for me today" i called over to her.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you did i?"

"Im fine, just not feeling it".

I went back up to the shared kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, Steve was stood making toast, using a whole loaf of bread by the looks of it.

"You hungry Steve?" I asked laughing a little at the mountain of bread in front him.

"Its not all for me" he laughed "i know as soon as i sit down you lot will be moaning that i never made you any"

"Awww thats so sweet" i teased him as i hugged him, Steve was good at giving hugs. We just stood there in each others arms for a bit while he waited for the next batch of toast to pop up.

"You okay?" Steve suddenly asked making me look up at him in confusion.

"Yeah im good, why?"

"I dont know, you seem a little off today"

"Nope im fine"

"You know ive learnt that when a woman says shes fine shes normally lying" he placed his hand on my cheek and looked at me "you can talk to me about anything, you know that right?"

"Honestly Steve im ok" i smiled, Steve was such a sweetheart "im gonna go sort out a dress for this stupid Gala tonight" i said turning to grab a slice of toast. As i turned to leave i was met by a pissed off looking Bucky standing there staring at me and Steve.

"Oh hey Buck, I've made toast" Steve told his friend happily.

"Sergeant" i said casually as i walked past him, if he wanted to act like nothing happened then so would i.

As i walked into my room i slammed the door closed only to have it hit something hard.... Bucky!

He came in and closed the door staring at me "what the hell was that?" He asked

"What?"

"You and Steve!.... looked pretty cosy"

"Oh for crying out loud Buck, we're always like that! His my friend!"

"I don't like him touching whats mine"

"Oh I'm yours again now? Funny, you didn't even want to talk to me half hour ago. You leave me in your bed to wake up alone and then when i find you, you completely ignore me!! Way to make a girl feel special Buck"

"Its not like that! I left you to sleep because you didn't get much sleep last night"

"What about how you acted in the gym??"

"I didn't know how you wanted to play it in front of the others, we hadn't talked about that"

"So you just thought you'd ignore me altogether??"

"I didn't know if id be able to act like myself if you were that close to me and i couldn't have you.... couldn't touch you.."

"So.... your not regretting what happened...."

"Fuck no! Are you crazy?? Sweetheart last night was amazing! Ive wanted you for so long..... i never thought id be lucky enough to finally have you" he closed the gap between us taking my face in his hands "can you forgive me for being a idiot doll?"

"I suppose so..... just don't ignore me again!"

"Never" he smiled and leaned down to kiss me "and your mine?"

"I don't know about that Buck you might have to remind me...." i was cut off when he lifted me up and threw me onto my bed "i'll remind you don't you worry bout that.... you'll be screaming my name so loud the whole tower will know your mine".

Tagging: @siren-queen03

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #winter soldier #bucky fanfic #bucky imagine #bucky x you #sebastian stan #withallyourheart

[shhh-no-ones-home]

madness (2/2) chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

this is not where i thought this story would go but oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

song: sports by beach bunny

+++++++++

"y/n wait! you know thats not what i meant!"

chris followed me as i stormed off the bus. everyone else was gone already, getting prepped for the final show. i whipped around and he stopped in his tracks.

"then tell me exactly what you meant."

he froze, opening and closing his mouth a few times.

"yeah, thats what i thought."

i turned back around and kept walking away from him.

"will you just talk to me? please? i dont see why this is such a big deal."

"of course you dont, cause this shit doesnt matter to you!"

he caught up with me and grabbed my arm, turning me to face him.

"yes it matters to me, im sorry for what i said."

"look chris, its whatever, ive been thinking and maybe we shouldnt go on this date anyways. specially if youre just gonna tease me in front of the guys. even if they dont get why."

he held both my arms to keep me in place.

"dont say that, ive been waiting for this date for years."

i shrugged him off of me.

"maybe you should have thought about that before you started being a dick to me."

i turned back around and made my way inside, him following closely behind me as i made my way to their dressing rooms.

"stop following me."

"not until you accept my apology."

"no."

i turned into one of the dressing rooms and vinny was standing there, shirtless, rolling paint onto his arms.

"hi vin."

he looked a little confused at first.

"hi?"

i leaned against the mirror stand next to him and chris walked up to me, he looked a little angrier now.

"i dont see what the big deal is, youve been just as much of a dick to me as ive been to you the past few weeks."

i was a little offended and crossed my arms over my chest. vin just looked at us with wide yes.

"how dare you! i have not!"

he snorted.

"it takes one to know one."

i put my arms down, tight to my sides, and stomped my foot.

"i dont need you or your stupid opinion. and fuck your date."

i pushed past him and walked out the door.

"well i was trying!"

he called after me and i just kept walking, tears starting to fall from my eyes. i wiped my face as i stomped up the bus stairs, going to my bunk and sulking.

°°°°°°°°°

i slept through the whole show. i cant believe i slept through the whole show. even if chris and i weren't getting along ive never missed one of their shows. i sighed to myself and swung my legs over the side of my bunk. everyone was probably asleep by now. i walked slowly to the front of the bus but saw a small light on, it was the tv but it wasnt playing anything, it was just blue. i walked a little further and saw chris laying on his back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. i stopped in my tracks before opening the fridge. he snapped up immediately.

"couldnt sleep?"

i asked and he swung his legs down. he watched me as i sat at the table and opened my gatorade.

"no, i cant stop thinking about our fight earlier. also i think we really scared vinny."

i took a drink.

"im sure hell live."

he got up and came and sat across from me at the table.

"i want you to know im sorry for how i acted earlier. that wasnt fair to you or anyone else so i apologize."

i just stared at him and took another drink.

"okay."

he threw his hands in the air.

"just okay?"

he was getting mad again and i set my gatorade down, screwing the lid back on.

"yeah just okay. im not ready to forgive you yet."

i went to reach for the gatorade again and he whacked it off the table. i crossed my arms over my chest.

"what the hell was that for?"

"what is wrong?!"

i leaned forward.

"you hurt me chris!"

he looked at me confused.

"what do you mean?"

"you have been teasing me this whole tour! of course i thought nothing of it when we first started tour, it was fine, maybe just flirting even. and then you asked me out and i was almost hopeful but the teasing didnt stop. you make fun of me all the time in front of the guys and i didnt think it would but its starting to get to me. i had high hopes for that date and then you just got mean."

i sat back into my seat and looked at the table.

"oh."

i looked up at him and he looked kind of off.

"i guess i didnt think about that."

i rolled my eyes annoyed.

"yeah no wonder, dipshit."

"hey!"

i sent him a look and he put his arms down next to him.

"okay, fine, that one was warranted. but look i really do like you. that part i wasnt kidding or teasing about. i do really want to go on a date with you and see where this goes."

"chris im not gonna give you a fighting chance if you cant even act right around me."

he put his hands back on the table and folded them together.

"i understand that, thats why im going to stop."

i sent him a look.

"sure you are."

"no, really. i want to try to prove myself to you. we didnt start out like this and i wanna get back to that place we were at before this tour started."

he stood up and walked to my side of the table, pushing me over and closer to the wall as he sat next to me.

"you said you wanted to go on a date with me and i want to earn that feeling back. i promise no more teasing or making fun of you in mean or hateful ways, even if it is just in jest."

i turned and tried to study his face. he really did seem sincere.

"starting right now."

i looked between his eyes.

"thank you. that means a lot."

he pushed my hair away from my face and looked down at my lips.

"dont even think about it."

he held my head in his hand and looked back up to my eyes.

"dont think about what?"

i grabbed his hand and put it back on the table.

"dont think about kissing me."

he looked back down at my lips before running his tongue over his.

"no promises."

i rolled my eyes at him.

"i think you can keep it in your pants till at least the third date."

he smiled at me.

"so i get more than one?"

he seemed a little cockier now, his confidence returning.

"ill think about it."

he kissed my forehead.

"ill take it."

#wattpad #x reader #chris motionless #chris cerulli #miw #one shot #imagine #143

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

#some pretty heavy subjects here so #suicide #suicidal thoughts #anxiety #depression #mental illness #homophobia #if there's anything else let me know #asks #secrets

[swampgallows]

...

my symptoms fluctuate so much that it’s really exhausting to even try to keep track of. i still haven’t slept very much and can only sleep in blocks of maybe 4 hours at a time, which I don’t like at all. and it’s not like 4 hours on/off, it’s like 4 hours and then up for 18, and then 2 hours here, then up for 6 more hours, then grab another 4 hours... it’s a mess

i’m trying to find ways to calm down and get rest but my mind still feels incredibly vigilant before it just gives way to fatigue, rather than becoming drowsy and falling asleep and becoming rested. 

i was previously up for about 24 hours before taking a nap for maybe 3 hours, then falling asleep again around 2 or 3am. today i woke up around 5 or 6am (so just a few hours of sleep) and took half of a xanax, then started reading a book to avoid looking at screens. my right eye has been bothering me as a whole and i think worrying about scheduling an eye appointment is the next thing on my mind. i’m sure everything is fine and it’s just me really getting down to the wire on getting a new pair of glasses/prescription but things like the migraines, the pressure behind my eyes, the throbbing, and the light/rainbow flashes when my eyes are closed makes me nervous. i just don’t want to lose my vision or do permanent damage.

i have to keep telling myself that it’s not the worst case scenario because the roadblock of time is becoming inevitable. and now i feel terrible because both of my parents have terrible colds and my mom has been having to ferry me back n forth to the hospital because i dont feel coordinated enough in my own body to drive, and i haven’t been active enough to know if i might have dizzy spells. so the more appointments i need to make, the more i have to be driven back n forth. i mean i could lyft but like. i dont really wanna get into the car w a stranger after something like a MRI lol

ultimately, it goes like this:

1. wait for spinal MRI results 2. once MRI results are in, discuss with both PCP and neurologist and go from there. 3. regardless of results, I still need new glasses and should see an ophthalmologist to check out my eyes, and then an optometrist to check out my vision. i got my vision checked last year but i honestly do not trust that facility anymore lmao. but if the MRI results have any bearing on vision issues that’s good to know before going in. 4. somewhere amidst all of this, i need to keep tabs with the mental health people and beat the shit out of them until i get assigned a therapist. the stress of everything is slowly taking over me and, if my physical state is any testament, is crumbling me to bits. i would definitely say i’m having a mental health crisis right now and i sincerely need to get some fucking care already. and, if i had to be forthcoming, i’d refer to my experiences at the county facility to be genuine malpractice and in fact harmful, and therefore only increasing the severity of my situation. that is, their “care” was so mismanaged and poor that it was a further hazard to my mental health. i would say it was the breaking point that resulted in my current crisis. bluntly, they fucked up so bad that shit put me in the fucking ER. 5. i also need to call the dentist sometime this week and schedule an appt with the primary dentist. the last 3 major fillings i got are unbearably sensitive, which makes it hard to eat, drink water, or even suck in air, so i dont want that other dentist working on me anymore. i want all my procedures to be done by the primary dentist from now on. my teeth are too fucked up to be guinea pigs or suffer any more shoddy work.

goals:

1. physical therapy 2. reduce anxiety through therapy and exercise (after physical therapy) 3. new glasses 4. fix teeth. again. forever 5. get back to baseline. ive fallen beyond rock bottom and i need to focus on physical and mental stability before i get wrapped up in trying to get a job again or moving out or anything else like that. right now i can barely stand upright or see clearly out of both eyes; i cant keep compounding my guilt and anxiety about my lack of independence when it’s physically incapacitating me like this. 

complaining here because i cant put it anywhere else. i’m not even 30 yet and i’m already falling apart.

#blathering

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

#phew #old mutuals im on twtr! keep in contact with me there!

[perry-the-deer]

Another day, another delivery, thats the joke Sun liked to make, a stupid bright smile accompanying it. I sighed a bit and rolled my eyes as he got up on the tauros. “Alright Sunshine, stop smiling before you break your jaw” he threw a berry at me for that, and i laughed as it hit my forehead and squished. Damn rawst berries. “Okay okay! fine, keep smiling, its nice anyway. I’ll catch up” I started wiping at the berry juice with my arm, heading back inside and into the bathroom to wash my face off.

I let the tap water run for a second, staring at my face in the mirror and squinting. Stupid berry juice had made my makeup run... whatever, the Courier had seen me without makeup anyway. I put my hands under the water and splashed it onto my face a few times, wiping my face down with a towel afterwards and turning the water off.

I started down the trail to follow my friend, knowing him and the tauros he was probably already atleast thirty-forty minutes away. I let my Mareanie out to walk next to me, smiling down at it “hey Petal, we’re following the Courier again” the Mareanie cooed half of its name out, and i smiled lightly, continuing down the path.

After a while, i could hear the hooves of the tauros clicking on the ground, i called Mareanie back to its pokeball and started running towards the sounds “Courierr! Courierrrr!!” I yelled, hearing the hooves stop. “Miss, how did you end up so far behind?” Suns voice came from a bit ahead, an amused tone in it as he grabbed my arm and helped me onto the tauros quickly.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, humming softly as he made the tauros charge ahead “Is it an urgent one Courier?” “deadlines in an hour or two, its pretty far off” “ah.” Sun was definitely focused on his task, sticking out his tongue slightly. I rested my head on his shoulder, watching the scenery pass by. 

After around fifteen minutes, we reached the destination. Sun got off the tauros and gave the lady her item, the second the door closed, the boy was swaying a bit. I hopped off the tauros quickly to go help keep him up, putting his arm over my shoulder and helping him down the porch stairs. He gave me a smile and i just rolled my eyes “Do you have any other deliveries today Courier?” “nahh. gotta pick up the money from the person who. gave me that job though” I nodded a bit, helping him onto the back of the tauros and getting onto the spot to guide it, ignoring his protest.

Eventually the boy fell asleep leaning on me, and i calmly began guiding the tauros back to where we’d began looking at the map to see if there was a certain destination we needed to be. As far as i saw, Sun hadnt gotten the time to set the spot if there was one. So I decided to head back to Kukuis house.

On the way back the tauros stopped abruptly, almost sending me flying when it did. It made the Courier wake up however, with a low upset whine accompanying his awakening. I glanced back at him, before looking at the tauros “Is there something wrong buddy?” the tauros dug at the ground a bit with one of its hooves, starting to huff and make angry noises. I decided to quickly slide off the pokemon, grabbing Sun and tugging him down as well, holding him up as he glanced out confusedly.

The tauros continued to make distressed and angry sounds, and i took a few steps back from it, looking around warily and hitting the button on my Ivysaurs pokeball to let it out quickly. It glanced up at me and Sun. “Saur?” “theres something wrong Ivy, can you scout out the area?” it nodded, before heading off. I decided to sit down and try and wake Sun up more, but after a bit the boy just fell forward against me, back asleep. 

I sighed a bit, holding Sun close to me and continuing to look around. After about 10 minutes had passed i called for the Ivysaur, not hearing a response back. Meanwhile the tauros had ran in a random direction. I got to my feet after a bit longer, picking Sun up as i went. I started off into the forest, calling for Ivy all the while.

After a bit of walking i was hit with a strong scent, of course with how much i worked in hospitals i recognized it quickly. The smell of death was. never fun. “Ivy!” i began calling louder, letting worry strain my voice a bit. I started to walk faster, continuing to call for the Ivysaur. After a bit longer i found her, laying on the ground with her bulb torn off and tongue ripped out. The pokemon was dead.

“Holy shit.” i muttered, backing up slightly. I didn’t have time to grieve my pokemon right now, i had to get me and the courier out of this area asap. “im in a creepypasta” i joked quietly, getting a laugh out of myself as i backed up more, looking around and starting to walk away from the body. I lightly shook the Courier, glancing down at him. Still fast asleep, to be expected.

I kept walking, fear starting to sprout in my brain. I broke to a run, looking for the edge of the forest. I got out after a bit longer of running, and started running down the trail quickly, calling for rotomdex. The dex didn’t make an appearance of course, never around when needed.

After a while i stopped to take a break, leaning against a tree and huffing, panting lightly and looking at Sun who, had somehow slept through that. Thats gonna need to be a story to tell later. I sunk down to be sitting and sat Sun up so he was on my lap and leaning on me, i took out Ivysaurs pokeball and stared at it for a few seconds. Tears started to slide down my cheeks and after a few seconds i was crying softly, shaking my head and trying to deny everything that had just happened.

This is what woke the Courier, odd how he could sleep when I was running but the second i was upset he woke up. The boy glanced at me and just wrapped his arms around me, presumably deciding not to ask what had happened. Which i was thankful for. I held onto him and ended up crying into his shoulder, this lasted for a good hour or so.

Once i was feeling better we stood up and looked around. “Miss, i know the way back from here, just follow my lead!” Sun announced, his bright smile back on his face, and he was doing his dumb little ok-sign thing with his hand. I nodded a bit and wiped the last tears out of my eyes, sniffling lightly. “alright Courier.”

Sun lead me down the path, and i glanced around more with every step. something still felt off, and i didnt feel safe at all as we walked. Alola was. never safe though, not since the ultra beasts got into our world. “Courier, how long do you think it’ll be until we’re home?” “only an hour or so miss, why do you ask?” He glanced back at me, and i just shrugged lightly, which caused the boy to frown a little, before smiling as bright as he could again “Dont worry miss, we’ll get back safe and sound. Ive never had a delivery i failed!” “you fell off a cliff once” He puffed up his cheeks slightly and looked away from me “that was one time!” “still” i giggled.

After an hour, as he promised, we made it home. I walked into Kukuis house and didnt even say hi to the professor, going and putting Ivys pokeball on the counter and falling onto the couch. Sun had gone out to get the money from the person who asked him to make the delivery. “Is there something wrong Moon?” Kukui asked after a moment.

I rolled over and looked at him, whining loudly and hugging myself. “whos pokeball is this?” he asked, and i just let out a soft wail and hugged myself tighter, closing my eyes tightly. “...Moon?” “Ivy dieeddd!” i screamed after a heartbeat, and Kukui gasped a bit, before quickly coming over and pulling me into a hug. I held onto him and sobbed into his chest, not wanting to move anymore.

Next thing i know, i was waking up, i was laying on the couch next to another sleeping person, to be expected of course, it was Sun. I sighed softly and rolled over, letting myself stay being held by him. I glanced around the dark room, seeing Lillie in the dark. Her eyes lit up a bit when she saw me and she put the last dish of food down for the pokemon “Youre awake! i- Kukui didnt tell me what happened but said that you’d need a friend over. But. we weren’t sure when Sun was getting back but he got back a bit ago and he saw that you had tear stains and-” “calm down Lil.” I chuckled, “I’m used to Sun getting home and holding onto me. It’s just how he is.”

Lillie nodded slightly, coming over to me and frowning “Do you... wanna talk about it?” “...No” “alright..” Lillie softly pat my cheek “Ill be in the other room if you need me Moonie” “alright Lil” i smiled softly, watching her walk off and glancing back at the Courier.

I decided i didnt want to move much, and rolled back over, cuddling more against Sun and letting myself make a tiny noise of contentment, closing my eyes to fall back asleep.

#mems #kin mems #Moonfeels #Pearltime #i wrote. this as the mems were coming to mind so. its. messy. #yeah #dead pokemon tw #pokemon death tw #???? #Leafeon Writes; writing #Moonlilyshipping #deliveryshipping #kinda? #platonically? #how do i tag this #moon pokespe #sun pokespe #lillie pokespe #????????

[the-kipsabian]

10, 23, 27, 30 and 43??

10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?mmmmmm as much as i love ninjas cause sneaky and lean is aesthetic af, im gonna have to go with pirates cause like. they are badasses tho? accepting as fuck? anyone can be a pirate? also it includes a life at sea and that comes with mermaids and i think thats enough said tbh

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?iiiii dooooo. and honestly it sucks lol. i think the best example is the time i was trying to play resident evil 7 with a friend. it wasnt even in vr, just the regular game on the regular tv but the camera turns so fucking fast even on the slowest setting and its so smooth its freaking gross after like an hour or so. so we had to quit about after three hours and barely even into the game tbh, cause i couldnt look at the tv anymore and i was feeling so gross i had to lay down and take a nap. we had fun but holy shit that was a miserable experience tho haaaaa (which is also why i really want to play the game in vr cause ive played vr games before and that. doesnt make me sick tho?? i guess its cause you get to move your head alongside your view so it makes it easier, but yeah. finishing re7 is gonna take a loooong time with this tbh)

27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?mmm probably a pig tbh? mostly cause they can be small and not scary and people keep them as pets already, you know? plus they are cute and idk cute things are good i guess

30: The latest you've ever slept?well this depends. on a multiple things. like. im assuming i was sleeping all day i was sick doesnt count, so its like. six in the evening i guess? on days when i was most definitely supposed to be up and doing things so mmmm. ive always had a miserable sleep schedule so yeah

43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?iiiii have never been anything for halloween cause we dont celebrate it here! and i dont like it so i see no reason to dress up! literally the only time i tried to do something with it was last halloween (and one like. two years before that? 2016?) cause i was at work that day and i didnt wanna actually do any work so i got everyone rallied behind the idea that we need to have a halloween party so we spent doing spoopy things the entire day and i got to wear my fox onesie all day at work so that totally counts as dressing up tho right??

obscure questions ~

#shinrijeu #thank you for asking! <3

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: pick me up Joe: rude you clearly did without me Joe: but I'll be able to do a twofer, yeah 👌 Joe: send your distress signal so I know where to point Ronnie: [wherever she's been working for a hot sec, I dread to think lol] Joe: you making a complaint about their cold-calls in person? Joe: tick off initiative on your CV Ronnie: my sides have split & it aint fuck all to the piss poor stitching Joe: see how far we can stretch your guts either side of you, fun Joe: did you self-sew or see one of your gun-wielding pals? different principle tats and triage Ronnie: then you can play a round of guess how much of this blood is mine, get yourself proper going Joe: too kind, stop me from charging the going rate for a while yet 🚖 Joe: what office supply did you use though Joe: if you were too cliche, you are going to have to sit up front and talk to me, proper cabbie punishment Ronnie: everything got nicked day 1 baby they werent about to waste any staples keeping shit on desks Ronnie: phone & a script is your lot Joe: there any drug we can act like anyone's calling it oscar on the street? Joe: you fully Joe Pesci'd someone with the phone, yeah? 👏 Ronnie: any gear that should go straight in the bin Ronnie: call it oscar Joe: you are wasted on 0 hour contracts, my dear Ronnie: not wasted enough for em Joe: join me at your local overpriced shit coffee dealer Joe: our bathrooms couldn't pass a piss test but they all only want the ⬆pers Joe: 💔 Ronnie: ill have an escort if you dont get a fucking move on Ronnie: you got enough student spends to feed coffee & doughnuts to the full force yeah Joe: say lucky you but security guards got as many hairs on their head as they got IQ points Joe: lot down Soho are decent conversationalists, unlike Daz and Gaz Joe: I did just get this terms though so hold on and you can help me 🔥 through it Ronnie: i dont get turned on by einstein & his pals mckenna thats your wank fuel Ronnie: easiest way to get a cunt off my back is to put him on his Joe: he only banged his cousin, that's nothing to waste energy on Ronnie: 💔 none of your cousins look enough like your mam for you Joe: why do you think i was searching Joe: daring to dream Ronnie: give a fuck about your nancy drew fantasies Ronnie: that schoolgirl shit is tapped Joe: the catholic schoolgirl uniforms have been overstated Joe: not all that in person, be the review Joe: nuns though, yeah Joe: enough mild peril to manage Ronnie: charlie will be gutted youve switched from homos to dykes Joe: you're the only one who's guts I wanna play around Joe: I'll break it to him nicely Joe: doughnuts, yeah Ronnie: consolation hole Ronnie: youve had shitter ideas Joe: it was yours, in fairness Joe: dunno about offering up my hole to every bloke at the met but if I put my foot down shouldn't be an issue Ronnie: i dont reckon a consolation footjob is gonna cut it Ronnie: not my first offence Joe: giving away how highly you think of my 🍑 Joe: what happened then, beyond telemarketing being worse than shitting out razorblades Ronnie: you wish you had 1 whitey Joe: says you Ronnie: if i had any curves theyd be cut off by now Joe: junkie chic before the habit Joe: some girls have all the luck Ronnie: lucky i need your bullshit heroics for this or id send you on a fools errand to sleuth the pieces out of landfill Joe: white knight > jester Joe: not my usual style, but for you I'll make an exception Ronnie: unless youre gonna say your horse fucking girlfriend dressed you the other night ive already seen it like Joe: you think her thing is budget kurt cobain? Joe: or that she's blind Ronnie: be blind by now if you catholics arent full of shit about touching yourself too much Ronnie: homesick for the horse & rejected by you Joe: what do you think its called Joe: my bets are on some boy band member she fancied when she was 11 and daddy was gutted Ronnie: or the 1st lad she wanted to meet round the back of the bike sheds Joe: you're such a romantic Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: im thinking like a basic white bitch from kent or wherever the fuck you said Joe: you do it well Joe: no way her school had anything common like bikesheds though so knocking a point off Joe: getting fingered on the hellipad is more voyeuristic but has less of a charm about it Ronnie: write a song about it Ronnie: shes gonna be charmed by the namedrop Joe: return the favour Joe: she's making me help her with her coursework Ronnie: plaster cast of your cock and then what Ronnie: tell her you aint no hendrix & its been done Joe: charlie wishes, whitey Joe: I'll cc 'em both in about my disappointing dick Ronnie: ill pass on gaz & daz numbers Joe: god I hope the plaster ain't dried Ronnie: god aint listening to you nancy Joe: adds up Joe: that kind of dad, technically always keep an eye but going in one ear and out the other Joe: 💔 woe is me Ronnie: irish catholics aint got fuck all going on between the ears she werent in it for that Joe: fucked me up with her shit genetics then Joe: you manage to get a pen? Joe: shove it in my ear and dig it out Ronnie: pull it out of my neck & you can stick it where you like Joe: we'll let the blood piss out 'til it feels right Ronnie: im the romantic Ronnie: shut up Joe: alright, you need to be conscious to woo me Ronnie: couldve fooled me Joe: dead girls pale in comparison Joe: 💘 Ronnie: the boners you lot have got for open caskets over there i dont reckon youve ever seen a dead girl the proper colour Joe: just said you were #1 but you've got to be 1 and only, yeah? Ronnie: in your fever dreams mckenna Ronnie: i aint looking that much like your ma however much slap i put on Joe: you're prettier than her Ronnie: now you want me to drink bleach instead of having a bath in it Ronnie: make up your fucking mind like Joe: just knew that would wind you up Joe: gotta bring out some cliches Joe: you're perfect just the way you are, you know Ronnie: drop dead Joe: god willing Joe: he's being fucking slow about it, despite my best efforts Ronnie: ill give it my best shot if you keep on Joe: another one for the cv Ronnie: find it written in my blood shit & bile on this wall Ronnie: thats your girlfriends coursework aced for her Joe: beats the lecture I'm skipping out on by miles Ronnie: no shit none of em are dressed like nuns Joe: none of 'em hate me like you either Joe: so damn likeable, its a curse Ronnie: i dont wanna hear about all your teachers trying to pet you Ronnie: childhoods over golden boy Joe: and all without me getting molested once Joe: by any nuns or teachers anyway Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: why youre such an annoying cunt Joe: abuse really humbles you, does it Joe: builds character Ronnie: gives you something to properly cry about Joe: got nothing on the shit my brain can make up Joe: idle hands and all that Ronnie: yeah youre so special baby Joe: it's just being mental or not Joe: if you ain't, you can go through whatever fucked up shit and be alright still Joe: if you're mental nothing even needs to happen and you'll be worse off Joe: some of us ain't got a chance from conception Ronnie: tell me something i dont know Ronnie: poster child for not having a fucking chance & any mental problems they wanna attach Joe: you better pay for more ad space Joe: call it karma, or dodgy genetics Joe: but I make a great case for abortion Ronnie: like i said before not one that needs to be put to me Ronnie: had more of em than youve had misery boners Joe: won't make you tell me about 'em Joe: no way you'd be as descriptive as the furious pro-lifers who act like the baby is fit to crawl out when you kill it Ronnie: hot Ronnie: shouldve called 1 of em to pick me up instead Joe: condemnation and loathing is meant to be my thing Ronnie: sharings meant to be your thing too yeah? Joe: only when it's inadvisable Ronnie: only when you wanna Joe: if you got to play oldest you'd know that's sadly untrue Ronnie: stuck being the cliche middle kid between fitz & the other one Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: seeking attention and approval because you're overlooked and under-appreciated? Joe: it's why 3 is a good number, any more and you've got multiple middle kids Joe: maybe I don't wanna fuck my mum, just missing all 3 of my own so much 🙄 Ronnie: they wish anyone could overlook me Ronnie: & you deffo do wanna fuck her so thats shit on your thesis Joe: yeah, sounds just like them Joe: suits you Joe: like the basic white bitch thing Ronnie: go fuck your mam Ronnie: im too tired for this Joe: you won't have no early start tomorrow sound of Ronnie: didnt have an early start today Ronnie: thats what kicked off this bullshit Joe: fair enough Joe: who wants a cold call at 7am Ronnie: the cunt who runs the place will be getting 1 off me til he pays me Joe: lucky him Joe: might wanna stay in your debt longer, romantic that you are Joe: attention very flattering Ronnie: what im hearing is i should tell his missus some fucking fairytale about the attention he was giving me Ronnie: everyonell be made up with the lie Joe: could do Joe: like your flair Joe: or I could come in, tell him you're mental and that he didn't make adequate allowances for you but now you're too traumatized to come back so he should just pay and we won't have to sue Joe: might get damages on top Ronnie: who are you my fucking school age carer like Joe: i'm believable, and more palatable than you outwardly Joe: anyway i look older Ronnie: than what 12 Joe: you have a baby face Joe: i look like i've not slept in as many years Joe: which is pretty accurate, as it goes Ronnie: do i fuck Ronnie: i look like ive shaken a baby to death Joe: child on child crime Joe: shocking headlines there, like that scottish girl who was fucked then got out and was someone's gran like she didn't kill a toddler Ronnie: see how palatable you are when I kick your teeth in Joe: it's a curse Joe: if you wanna lift it and be my hero instead of it being this way 'round Joe: love you forever, like Ronnie: ill lift your wallet fuck the rest Joe: already offered you my money Joe: not even a challenge, soft touch Ronnie: like youve ever been challenged soft lad Joe: go on Ronnie: youre already going on loads Joe: bet you've never heard about the traffic in this city, have ya Ronnie: fuck it ill go lay in it Joe: 😍 Ronnie: save the pillow talk for when youre offering me somewhere else to sleep Ronnie: would let you fuck me for entry to horse girls en suite if theres a bath in it Joe: where's your bed gone Ronnie: its got a hysterical homo in it whos only gonna get himself in more of a fanny flap cause ive been sacked Ronnie: ill take the wreckage of a 4 car pile up or whatever Joe: gotcha Joe: how long 'fore he calms it Ronnie: how long are you offering to spend buying him drinks & cupping his balls Joe: i get it Joe: you wanna wifeswap Joe: not just her art assignment you're interested in Joe: but you can just take my bed, I'm always falling asleep on the sofa or up the table and she'll relish at more chance to watch me sleeping Ronnie: your room got a 🔒 Joe: yeah but you're alright, it's on the inside Joe: not going to get fritzl about it Ronnie: youd need more than that to keep me in Ronnie: which youd know if you were earning off dealing with my mental problems Joe: not giving you a challenge either, don't get hysterical yourself like Ronnie: you couldnt like Ronnie: bigger pussy than your basic white girlfriend Joe: oh god stop talking about it Joe: i'll be sick Ronnie: no stomach for any kind of challenge Joe: you crack on Joe: i'll stick to 🍩 Ronnie: not so needy for some clean piss that ill be licking her out for it Joe: you should write this song for me Ronnie: whats in it for me Ronnie: got all your spends on a promise as is Joe: the fame and full writing credits, obviously Ronnie: fuck off obviously Joe: that's how we know you're not really a middle kid Ronnie: more shit you can come at your ma with Joe: I'll save it for the next holiday Ronnie: 💘 Joe: what about your dad Ronnie: i dont reckon hes up for another go on her if youre there watching Joe: 💔 Joe: i meant do you know what happened to him Joe: you might have more interesting half brothers out there, what I'm thinking Ronnie: got no interest in little fucking kids Joe: so you do know Joe: did he come find you or what Ronnie: dont get jealous nance Ronnie: did it myself like Joe: he meet your expectations Ronnie: what kind of fucking soft shit is that Ronnie: get a grip mckenna he aint rich Joe: a no would suffice Joe: though it's adorable you really kicked it like Annie over it Joe: you could've said you had none, or you expected him to be dead or worse, a useless cunt Ronnie: why would i say fuck all to you about it Joe: too painful too private Joe: gotcha Ronnie: wank over your own parents when i aint waiting Joe: the fact you've not implied I'd prematurely cum in my pants Joe: you're so full of hope it's equal parts inspiring and worrying Ronnie: get out of my face before i kick yours in Ronnie: everyone who aint gone blind can see youre a virgin Joe: don't be jealous, sid Ronnie: you cant tell your older sister what to do baby Ronnie: that aint how this works Joe: it wasn't good ever Ronnie: course youre crying about that too Ronnie: fucking hell Joe: just trying to ease your jealousy Joe: anyway, you'll be pleased to know the lacklustre results were down to my lack of trying, not theirs Ronnie: 1 less dose of the clap & i might still be fertile now thats fucking worrying Ronnie: keep your status choir boy Joe: bit cliche far as fantasies go but alright Ronnie: you started it Ronnie: trying to make me feel special Joe: no need to try is there Ronnie: not now my gag reflex has been triggered Joe: like that ain't been decimated by now too Ronnie: youre learning Ronnie: your teachersll be made up Joe: hope for the molestation yet? Joe: nice Ronnie: ease your 💔 & limp dick Joe: calm down Joe: might get attached Ronnie: do your grades the world of good Joe: you wanna help me with my homework? Ronnie: youre that shit in the sack you still wont get an a after giving your teachers a going over Ronnie: unlucky like Joe: so you can help me Joe: what else you gonna do whilst you're hiding from charlie Ronnie: use your imagination Joe: no need Joe: you'll be sharing Ronnie: cant stop you kicking the door in Ronnie: its yours Joe: just the needle, not the bed, like Joe: you're fine Ronnie: yeah youll be between horse girls sheets Joe: don't reckon she's strong enough to carry me Ronnie: only has to strap a saddle on Joe: 😂 Ronnie: fuck knows what she would fill your nose bag with Joe: the surprise is the fun part Ronnie: dont come crying to me when its oscar Joe: if she was half as interesting as you're making out, might stand a chance of working Joe: as it goes, probably be granola Ronnie: stick her thatll make her more your type Joe: come on Joe: she don't look a thing like my mother Ronnie: fucks sake when shes under get a 🔪 Ronnie: do your best like Joe: i keep telling you i'm not one for trying Ronnie: trying not to cry is as far as it goes yeah Joe: even my kiddy medicine cuts that shit off Joe: ain't been able to since I was 12 Joe: not that there was much call for it, my perfect life with mummy dearest Ronnie: the other week before you met me then Ronnie: gutted i broke your streak Joe: you sure you ain't interested in little fucking kids Joe: rearrange that sentence and Freud is having a field day Ronnie: make the effort to get here before i start to rot Ronnie: not trying to make that cunts day or yours Joe: you'd have liked him Ronnie: he rich off peddling that bullshit to the masses Joe: yeah and he reckoned cocaine was the cure for heroin addiction so he really knew a good time Ronnie: sounds like my not boyfriend Joe: oh yeah? Joe: well his grandson was cooler Joe: he fucked kate moss when he was like 70 Ronnie: anyone written a song about that Joe: maybe pete did Joe: he was a painter though so he painted her with her kit off, obviously Joe: reckon it's free for us to give it a crack Ronnie: your girlfriend painted you yet or what Joe: she wants to Ronnie: no shit mckenna Ronnie: every cunt there nearly fucking went arse over tit in the puddle she was sat in at that gig Joe: so that's what that sticky feeling was Ronnie: her juices or charlies Joe: that's called mixed media Joe: potential bio-hazard for her profs though Ronnie: worst theyre gonna get off her is thrush Ronnie: never met a bitch so clean Joe: yeah Joe: boring Ronnie: i told you to kill her last time you started being a baby about it Joe: you can have homicidal, sis Joe: boring but harmless Ronnie: cocaines harmless after heroin you & freud are still pussy enough to call it a party Joe: why it's a cure Joe: get you from comatose to semi-functioning Ronnie: she could be a cure too Ronnie: cold turkey Joe: weren't searching for a cure Joe: am i coming in or are you coming out Joe: can't see you Ronnie: cause youre comatose Ronnie: gutted this ex boss aint a cokehead Joe: not far off Joe: he your not boyfriend or is that just what we're telling the wife Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: he couldnt fund your baby habit nevermind mine Joe: we going there first then Ronnie: yeah Joe: if we get your wages, we don't have to Joe: [come in boy] Ronnie: [a look like go on impress me by getting these wages boy] Joe: [when you can give it social worker chat 'cos what Tess does and the whole beeline of it all like you can be convincing enough that he's breaking some kind of equality law by sacking her without pay lol] Ronnie: [love that for you Joseph even if she won't let you know she's impressed and also lowkey triggered by that social worker energy] Joe: [honestly, lbr this man surely just wants you gone, won't take too much persuading] Ronnie: [literally and he's clearly in some way shady if he's 1. employed her and also 2. not called the police on her rn] Joe: [no leg to stand on sir, love this shakedown for you] Ronnie: [I bet they're all illegals and people being exploited] Joe: [its a mood, as in happens all the time esp. in cities, least you can hit him up again lads, long as he don't get y'all beaten up or something lol] Ronnie: [tbf if you do get beaten up that's a mood too] Joe: [yeah, when they find out you are not social and just taking their money lol] Ronnie: [love a scam] Joe: [the kind of nonsense have your mother rolling in her grave she's not in, love that we're starting that now] Ronnie: [I approve of the vibe, start as you mean to go on lads, all before you've made his poor flatmate wanna die lol] Joe: [poor gal did not ask for you as a flatmate let alone all this lol] Ronnie: [do you wanna skip to like when she's back and Ronnie's in his room or whatever because easy way to keep the convo going without needing it to be face to face] Joe: [works for me henny] Ronnie: [your turn to start boo] Joe: doubt she'll leave her room any time soon now Ronnie: 💔 Joe: yeah poor girl Joe: saying you got free reign, if you need anything Ronnie: i had it before Ronnie: not scared of her like Joe: nah Joe: what about charlie then Joe: or you just don't wanna upset him Ronnie: yeah terrified Ronnie: well sleuthed nancy Joe: that he'll get sick of you, maybe Ronnie: i fucking told you we aint the kind of family who get rid Joe: yeah Ronnie: dont project onto me Ronnie: we aint nothing alike Joe: i'm the one sick of them Joe: if anything Ronnie: yeah & he aint fuck all like you either Joe: I can see that Ronnie: youve seen him once dont flatter yourself Joe: and it's that obvious Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: what? Joe: i only need to know one half the equation to know we're not the same Joe: it's a compliment to him if fuck all else Ronnie: give it to him then Ronnie: hell lap it up Joe: i told you it's nice Joe: what you lot got Joe: but i'm not looking to get in on it if that's what you reckon Ronnie: take what you want pussy Joe: that's not your thing? Ronnie: what we cant both do it Joe: potentially Ronnie: dont remember you having any hesitation to share a needle Ronnie: grow a pair when youre not getting shot up Ronnie: maybe the dayll come when i dont have to spoon feed you the gear like a fucking kid Joe: i'd have to work out if i want anything but first Ronnie: yeah Joe: is it all you want Joe: the heroin Ronnie: mind your fucking business Joe: alright Joe: do you want to do my next tattoo or what Ronnie: i said take what you fucking want Joe: [come through with ink you've undoubtedly stole from your flatmate, also being more spacey/twitchy than normal like distract me gal] Ronnie: [love how old school & gross we're kicking this tattoo situation unlike when Ali does it] Joe: [which is absolutely the point, how your arms and legs don't fall off lol] Ronnie: [their other ones probably wouldn't have even healed yet cos lbr it's gonna be no time in between these interactions] Joe: [just loads of lowkey open wounds, like that isn't life anyway] Ronnie: [mhmm they'd be fucked already too cos they are so itchy when they are healing and y'all don't have chill] Joe: [all the reason for constant touch ups/ messing with so it casually never heals #mood] Ronnie: [I didn't think of that but I stan] Joe: [casual metaphor for your everything lads] Ronnie: [you know you can do anything to her tattoowise yourself Joseph she don't care] Joe: [probably doing some weird repitition moment you'd usually do on yourself which will be painful af excuse you] Ronnie: [she do love the pain you're fine] Joe: [good thing too, we're just here fucking each other up like this ain't gonna go anywhere else lolllllll] Ronnie: [way more #into it than I should be considering I don't  even like when people shout lol] Joe: [you babby, they are not, obviously we're getting and taking drugs even if she's too naive to know why they're in such a state, maybe they can make a dealer come to them when they're feeling fancy/have already had loads lol] Ronnie: [take a moment to appreciate how few clothes she is wearing rn and how much that means this poor gal can and would see like we've got track marks and self harm scars for days even before you start on the tattoos lol, you're gonna get clued in before she leaves hen] Joe: [honestly props for not running home screaming tbh babe] Ronnie: [especially when this dealer comes because he ain't Drew like he should be scary af] Joe: [lowkey makes you work for it even when you're paying 'cos hates junkies] Ronnie: [at least she can basically fuck him in full view for Joe's benefit because the vibe is already there haha] Joe: [i truly love thinking about what the hell you're telling the flatmate when she leaves, she's not that stupid, also must fancy you if she doesn't report you immediately lol] Ronnie: [she definitely does that's not just Ronnie's bpd jealousy shining through like did you tell her you were related after the gig or what even Joseph what's the narrative] Joe: [also, entirely unrelated, when you bleaching your hair 'cos it looks so much better lol, anyways, he's probably had to go with a troubled sister narrative 'cos she's the type to be sympathetic and it makes sense why he'd deal from her pov] Ronnie: [that's gonna make the obvious sexual tension awkward but yeah I vote they definitely do it while she's staying because same vibe as the tattoo sesh so] Joe: [ikr, when you're blatantly fucking this will be very confusing, you should deffo only be about 1st year lol] Ronnie: [are you gonna give him another different flatmate in year 2 or like none?] Joe: [maybe for year 2  on you can still have some like a house share moment but he's the one you never see and has nothing to do with you] Ronnie: [that works definitely cos like I was just thinking how could he afford somewhere on his own] Joe: [yeah, even if we're technically employed whilst in uni by the orchestra, it's not gonna be loads, and that's how London be even if you're not a student] Ronnie: [how long do we think she should stay for this time because obvs she's coming back again and again but] Joe: [hmm, like he isn't gonna tell her to go so it's on her for how long she can deal lol] Ronnie: [just cos I'm thinking she should leave because something happens/almost does and it freaks her out because she's meant to hate him and there's only so much you can play off as doing for shock value when you're blatantly into it] Joe: [that makes sense, clearly it ain't gonna take long for that to transpire] Ronnie: [yeah a few days is what I'm imagining, but like enough that she probably thinks nothing will happen because it hasn't so far, if that makes sense] Joe: [i'm with it] Ronnie: [how far do we wanna go is always the question] Ronnie: [okay idea time, hear me out hun, what if it's like an unexpectedly pure/cute moment by their standards that happens in the day to day because the obvious would be to have them go all in when they are fucked up but like think about it] Joe: [that's what I thought too though 'cos it's more impactful 'cos it isn't as if it's gonna start with a kiss when it does for real like it's all extra and them to cover that it's about anything but being fucked up, so that would shake you both] Ronnie: [so glad we're on the same page here, like I can't think of a good example of what I mean/think should happen but] Joe: [we know the vibe, doing something vaguely domestic before realizing what you're doing] Ronnie: [so she gotta run away and nobody is gonna know where she is or what she's doing for a bit soz Charlie & Bronson] Joe: [you wanna skip to that time period now, this hasn't been excessively long or anything[ Ronnie: [we totally can because we can always skip back/add it if we think of anything else we wanna do while she's there etc] Ronnie: [I've had a potential idea how to start this so neither of them technically has to bite the bullet and go first like if you give me a rough idea what kind of thing Charlie would say e.g where are you/are you dead bitch and I'll reply here like she's in the wrong convo lol] Joe: [that's a good idea boo, probably something like you can stop hiding now and an update about whatever the fuck he's up to in his life which you can make up you know the vibe lol] Ronnie: [I was just like realistically if they were both shook by what happened neither of them are gonna be like oh hey] Joe: [yeah like it'd take him a while even if he would 'cos not just gonna let this go that easy, so it's a solid way to do it] Ronnie: a real scouse ma's meant to shout down the street when its time to stop playing about Ronnie: lazy cunt Joe: I'm only half if I'm anything, and you probably won't give me that any rate Ronnie: 🖕 not talking to you Ronnie: got the wrong gaylord Joe: easy mistake Joe: you not got his number saved? Ronnie: if this was my phone yeah Joe: newly acquired then Ronnie: mine broke Joe: my condolences Joe: wall or pavement? Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter Joe: just making conversation whilst you're here Ronnie: if youve got something to say go ed Ronnie: but if youre gonna pussy out as per it got waterlogged Joe: you dying for the uni update like my ma is a top performance, cheers, like Joe: rice didn't work or you didn't fancy eating toilet water rice after Ronnie: loads in common me & her aint just a pretty face like Ronnie: dont know what kind of fucking 12 year old in a k hole at a festival you take me for mckenna Joe: yeah, it's a shame Joe: soph says save some for the 🐎s Ronnie: cold showers work better for misery boners than they do a suspected od but these fucking amateurs aint know jack shit obviously Ronnie: shame & shameful that is Joe: I'm a better sesh companion Ronnie: ill take the 🐴 Ronnie: whole or in bits Joe: seems the possessive type Ronnie: thats your bitch Joe: who I meant but I ain't claiming her Ronnie: bet shed be made up over a uni update Joe: bold of you to assume we haven't had many delightful lunch dates whilst you've been having cold showers Ronnie: give a fuck if youve been eating her out at any time of day Joe: yeah well I'm pretty gutted you've replaced me with another newbie Ronnie: stop fucking crying Ronnie: i aint running a nursery Joe: ain't the only one sounds of your reply Ronnie: fuck off Joe: reckon he's over you getting the sack now Ronnie: not everythings about that mary Ronnie: & he aint my keeper Joe: just your mum, I got the message Ronnie: he reckons he can baby me it aint the same thing Joe: he's older than you yeah Ronnie: youve got a sister other than me dont act like you cant get your head round it Joe: not really my M.O. Ronnie: special yeah Joe: she's got a dad and another brother happy enough to oblige Ronnie: i dont need to puke up my good time Joe: thought your stomach and nerve were meant to be stronger than that Ronnie: whatever you think about me is bullshit baby Joe: just what you've put out there Ronnie: & yours is heroics just warning you this aint no od like Ronnie: aint gotta press eject Joe: you're typing Joe: don't think anyone knows you well enough to commit to the impression here Ronnie: talking Ronnie: everyone knows idle hands are dangerous Ronnie: but that dont mean i gotta keep em busy typing Joe: yeah Joe: know the feeling Ronnie: its used to my accent & everything Ronnie: more than i can say for the live cunts here Joe: you in 💘 with your phone that's dead cute Joe: its worse when you're angry Ronnie: not in 💘 with kent Ronnie: your girlfriend proper missold it Joe: fuck off are you in kent 😂 Ronnie: fucked you over if you were gonna come carry me out again Joe: acting like you didn't ask Joe: if you're going to now, do it, like Ronnie: if you dump her back home who the fucks keeping the leccy on Joe: only got a baby habit ain't I Ronnie: what so youre carrying me out & dumping me where Ronnie: anywhere near & im taking your money shithead Joe: we don't need electric Ronnie: how will you get off on me wearing your mams face in the dark Joe: would hate to waste your hard work, obviously Ronnie: what hard work Joe: liberating my mums face from her skull Ronnie: be my pleasure Ronnie: all play Joe: alright then Joe: i'll be able to keep up Ronnie: big talk for a 12 year old virgin Joe: hiding it kent you can't talk or type about it Ronnie: im not fucking hiding Joe: yeah right Ronnie: plain sight baby Joe: 40 miles Ronnie: & Joe: if you wanna play, you're gonna have to give me another clue Joe: know if i'm getting warm Ronnie: [a blurry picture clue] Ronnie: 💘 Joe: they new friends or old Ronnie: waste of a question Joe: how many do i have left Ronnie: 39 but if you need that many dont fucking bother Joe: you don't wanna disappointed so bad Ronnie: you disappoint me by coming out the same hole Joe: that don't have to matter Joe: plenty have Ronnie: yeah but i aint met the rest of your happy family Joe: you wanna Ronnie: 38 now Joe: it could've been a statement Ronnie: was it Joe: 39 for you Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: you wanted to go to the beach Ronnie: that a question or what soft lad Joe: ?* Ronnie: didnt know there was 1 Joe: it's a county you know Ronnie: how the fuck would i know that Ronnie: shut up Joe: do you wanna go to the beach Ronnie: i can drown you in the sink Joe: i didn't put you in the shower Joe: or your phone Ronnie: youd have been made up by how blue i went though Ronnie: well like a dead girl Joe: yeah? Joe: what's it feel like Ronnie: youll get your own go Ronnie: aint holding your hand forever like Joe: gutted Ronnie: you wont reckon so when you outgrow that baby habit Joe: i'd mind if you died Ronnie: give you something to cry about Ronnie: youd be fucking into it Joe: nah Joe: people who've got shit to mope on usually don't Joe: enjoy it too much don't I, can't be having it validated, takes the fun out Ronnie: most dont reckon a happy end would be cumming inside their ma Ronnie: youd enjoy having a reason to celebrate or trauma bond depending on her fucking take Joe: our mate freud would disagree Joe: she'd wear black for the rest of her life, if that's what you wanna hear Joe: but counting it as a question, 38 Ronnie: why the fuck would i wanna hear that Ronnie: be boss for her if she never shifted her bastard baby weight like Joe: 37 unless it's rhetorical Joe: i dunno what will make you feel better Ronnie: 38 wasn't a question in the first place you just counted it cause youre a cheating lil bitch Joe: what's the prize and why do you want it so much Ronnie: use your imagination fucks sake Ronnie: why do you always want your hand held Joe: waste of a question Joe: 'cos I'm such a mummy's boy duh Ronnie: if shed let you walk into the road i wouldnt be answering any of your pussy questions Ronnie: 💔 Joe: be a lot easier for all of us Joe: i'll throw myself in front of the tube, fuck up everyone's day Ronnie: ill pick myself up from kent then yeah Joe: oh so you've claimed selfish have you Ronnie: no shit nancy drew Ronnie: fitz is still crying that i 💉 you up Joe: bless Joe: you're not claiming what got me there Ronnie: cant i wasnt fucking there Joe: then don't feel guilty Ronnie: dont fucking flatter yourself Ronnie: could care less Joe: you who's trying Ronnie: taking away a question if youre gonna lie Joe: not 12, not a virgin, don't need you to hold my hand Joe: i wanted to and want to Ronnie: made up horse girl took it while i was away Joe: yeah Ronnie: get yourself checked for 🐴 aids or whatever Joe: could care less is right Ronnie: bullshit youll be gutted if you dick falls off before you put it in your ma Joe: talking about how much you do Ronnie: what are big sisters for Ronnie: ask the other one & hell stutter round how much i dont too Joe: it's not the same Ronnie: you aint special mckenna how many times Ronnie: let your ma feed you that bullshit Ronnie: & fuck knows what youve already caught from my blood Joe: bit late for warnings Ronnie: you had one first time we met like Ronnie: got eyes Joe: exactly Joe: i'm not gonna take the hint Ronnie: too subtle for you yeah Joe: if you think you could be any more blatant Joe: have fun trying Ronnie: i am Ronnie: kent dont know what hit it Joe: i bet Joe: where have you been but some strangers doss house then Joe: and that is a question Ronnie: fuck knows Ronnie: been a blur Joe: you know its about 1,500 square miles yeah Joe: remember one landmark Ronnie: you know youre only getting any fucking answers cause im coming down Joe: we don't have to play this game Joe: if you tell me where you are, you'll be picked up quicker and then you can get whatever you need Ronnie: [a location, lord only knows] Joe: alright Ronnie: for you getting high of your bullshit heroics Joe: if it makes you feel better that you need rescuing Ronnie: do i fuck Joe: then you just wanna see me Joe: either way Ronnie: shut up Joe: what's better for you? Ronnie: your money then your life Joe: very adam ant Joe: and can be arranged Joe: even though you don't have a horse or a car so I'm more of a highwayman than you Ronnie: i aint getting on your gilfriends horse i know where its been Joe: 😏 Joe: you can just admit she's more up for it than you Ronnie: admit youre fucking brain damaged Ronnie: let her be up for hand holding & playing house Joe: what are big sisters for Ronnie: beating the shit out of you Joe: look forward to it Ronnie: yeah youve missed me Joe: not afraid to say it Ronnie: write a song about it Ronnie: no names & you can play it for any bitch Joe: thanks for the hot tip Joe: kill some time on this drive Ronnie: shouldve stuck your judy in the boot Ronnie: be eye spy & red car the whole fucking way Joe: haven't put the plastic sheet down Joe: 💔 short notice Ronnie: so torch it Ronnie: i know youve always got a lighter on you Joe: what gave it away Ronnie: ive got eyes baby Joe: try not to wear it on my sleeve though Ronnie: done a shit job there Joe: why do you show yours off Ronnie: whats the point of only feeling it on the inside Joe: doing it is feeling it on the outside Ronnie: im what they fucking made me they can look at it Joe: that makes sense Joe: yeah Ronnie: what the hell are you scared of Joe: I dunno Joe: doesn't feel like fear Joe: blending in or disappearing has always been preferable Ronnie: & you have the balls to reckon im hiding here Joe: it ain't hiding if no fucker's looking Joe: easier for them and me, like Ronnie: if you gave a shit about easier you wouldnt have looked for me Joe: it was last-ditch attempt Joe: see if you were the same, like all of them too Joe: or not Joe: and you're not Ronnie: cause she ditched me Joe: maybe Ronnie: i didnt have the luxury of blending in Joe: it's not a luxury Ronnie: not when you have it Ronnie: care kids dont Joe: not at all Joe: it was a necessity to not blow my brains out and all i ended up was cracked and wishing i had Joe: you didn't have a family to not belong in Ronnie: & you did em such a massive fucking favour by not ending it all yeah Ronnie: i dont know you or fucking care & i can tell youre desperate to Joe: if she can't get over you, and she never stuck around to know you Joe: it's fuck all to do with the person and everything to do with the label Joe: son, brother Joe: you're meant to care even if life is better or basically the same without Ronnie: good fucking thing i like downers Ronnie: youd ruin an e Joe: cheers Ronnie: get over her for fucks sake Ronnie: keep saying youre not 12 Joe: didn't have that luxury Ronnie: loads more cunts willing to fuck you over Ronnie: live a little like Joe: yeah that'll make it worth it Joe: dead inspirational Ronnie: try your other sister Joe: i'm sure she'd have even more helpful advice Ronnie: take it then Ronnie: ill kill you before i give you a reason to live Joe: you know i ain't fucking looking for one Ronnie: yeah Joe: you need anything Ronnie: i didnt tell you were to get fuck all out of it Joe: apart from a lift Ronnie: what do you reckon Joe: kk Ronnie: 💘 Joe: still not healed Joe: also looks like jobn now Ronnie: anything to make you feel special baby Joe: what I reckon Ronnie: i didnt reckon ocd made you that delusional Ronnie: but when you change it to say jobs youll blend right in Joe: not quite as fitting as when johnny did it Ronnie: whats your girlfriends name Joe: i'll find one to make it fit Joe: josie or jody maybe Ronnie: 💔 no decent gear has a girls name Joe: girls like to party not nod out Joe: gutted Ronnie: ive got a lads name i get why youre confused Joe: you didn't wanna change it Ronnie: you offering up the cash Joe: bit of a waste Joe: just for the paperwork Ronnie: yeah it is Joe: you dunno what to pick Ronnie: swear words aint allowed Joe: don't matter if you're just doing it, telling new people it's your name like Ronnie: not an underage tranny Joe: right Ronnie: bit fucking late now Joe: youre attached Ronnie: i dont care Joe: yeah Ronnie: not what i hate her for Joe: it's a lesser sin Joe: and not the worst name Ronnie: if thats your way of trying to namedrop the others, dont Joe: why would I Ronnie: i dont know you cant really answer why youd do fuck all Joe: i don't need to ask if you want to know them Ronnie: like their names are gonna tell me who they are Joe: like you care Ronnie: like thats ever stopped you Joe: I can't un-find you Joe: but I'm not going to force you to meet any of them or know any more than what's been said Ronnie: no fixed address remember Ronnie: cant make it much fucking easier for you Joe: no, you can't Ronnie: stop crying then Ronnie: you can do better than a car crash Joe: do better Ronnie: yeah like washing up on the beach Ronnie: keep every cunt guessing how you died Joe: see how many beaches I can end up on Ronnie: dead romantic Joe: you can have fun with the hacksaw anyway Joe: least I could do Ronnie: you dont owe me Joe: i do Ronnie: for what Joe: for finding you when you didn't want finding Ronnie: you got the wrong bastard Ronnie: loads of others would be made up Joe: would they? Joe: regardless, I did it for me Ronnie: fuck off trying to take selfish off me Joe: 😏 Ronnie: been a few days since ive used a phone as a weapon Ronnie: keep on if you want it chucked at you Joe: you've promised better than that Ronnie: course you cant last through the foreplay Joe: alright, romantic Ronnie: you fucking wish soft lad Joe: you wish i wished Ronnie: i fucking dont Joe: alright Ronnie: keep the 🕯🌹 for your girlfriend like Ronnie: fuck all i can do with soft Joe: lighters and poppies suit me better as well Ronnie: next tattoos then Ronnie: dont know if itll look like a poppy but fuck it Ronnie: ill cut it out if you dont like it Joe: even if we avoid the sleeve, still a lot of skin to ruin Joe: are you just going over now Ronnie: waste of a question Ronnie: theres fuck all you can do Joe: what, my scribbles weren't a masterpiece compared to your boyfriends Ronnie: told you get what you pay for mckenna Ronnie: & that i dont get hard for mozart & the like Joe: weren't gonna score a symphony on you but alright Joe: no touching Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: you & your baby habit dont score Joe: just pays Ronnie: dead comforting when i get robbed & left in a kent ditch Joe: it'll be the nicest ditch you've ever been in Ronnie: squatters rights Joe: my bed ain't comfy enough Ronnie: its the fact that its yours making me wanna hang myself with a sheet Ronnie: should say its too soft like you though shouldnt i Ronnie: gutted i fucked that up like Ronnie: we were playing so nice Joe: yeah, goldilocks suits Ronnie: unless your hair has fallen out Joe: I've not pulled it out either Joe: or soph, like Ronnie: not enough like a mane for her Joe: 💔 Joe: if only she'd have known me a few years ago Ronnie: get the family album out shell be made up Joe: shed a tear over our lack of horse Joe: sympathy fuck is better than none yeah Ronnie: the lack of me will really get her going Ronnie: had the pity eye fuck soon as i showed up Joe: she's an empath, babe, why she's so good at art Joe: lack of you might be an issue for me though Ronnie: another word for nosy cunt Joe: undoubtedly Joe: if i could sum up what was wrong with me for her I would Joe: but guess she likes the guessing Ronnie: if she was scouse shed just fucking come out with it Joe: gobshites, yeah Ronnie: what you get for having girlfriends who aint even wool Ronnie: self hatred making you go posh about it Joe: my last actual girlfriend was Ronnie: & youre claiming her Joe: not still writing songs about her Joe: well, never was Ronnie: shell still be 💔 Joe: nah Ronnie: you keep her waiting this long or am i that special Joe: you don't even know how far you've gone from london Joe: you're nearly 2 hours away Ronnie: if youre sticking to the speed limit Ronnie: stop being a pussy Joe: meet me and the car in the next ditch over Ronnie: more hand holding for fucks sake Joe: more than that if you want that lift Joe: have to drag the car out and hotwire it Joe: scrape me off the windshield Ronnie: i told you to stop getting me & what im into Joe: maybe i'm trying really hard Ronnie: far as hurting yourself goes thats the shittest way to have a go Joe: 💔 too weak Ronnie: keep your limp wrists on the steering wheel Ronnie: i wanna get out of here Joe: 😏 Joe: in a bit then Joe: got speeding to do and if you won't shut up Ronnie: youd have to try harder to make me Ronnie: that aint fucking likely Joe: only have to ask Joe: not nice or nothing Ronnie: i dont ask for handouts theyre given to me on account of all those mental problems ive got Joe: wouldn't it be nice to be the one doing the charity work for once Ronnie: if thats the only high youre offering me turn the fuck around Joe: not that daft Ronnie: your ma tell you that Joe: loads Ronnie: her judgements for shit not getting rid of us both with a hanger Joe: agreed Ronnie: dont put a kid in her shed only keep that one too Joe: still raising the last one Ronnie: like thatd stop her Ronnie: no fucking time wasted Joe: she did stop Joe: hence the 9 year gap oopsie baby Ronnie: reckon shed know what causes it by then Joe: Ireland got to her I guess Ronnie: dead keen for my invite now Joe: put it across as a valid form of contraception Joe: chlamydia Joe: they'd go for it Ronnie: worked for me Joe: postergirl Ronnie: 💔 there was no need to sew myself up Ronnie: be more fun than whichever fuck gave me it Joe: god willing Ronnie: your catholic one would be dead willing Joe: you're thinking of the wrong over-zealous christian country Ronnie: not on the right drugs for that kind of bullshit thinking Joe: 🍄 Joe: look out for cowshit whilst you're waiting Ronnie: that determined for me to see the sights yeah Joe: can't waste such an opportunity Ronnie: 🖕 watch me Joe: kent only comes calling so many times, like Joe: your choice Ronnie: shell be taking you every time uni gives you time off Joe: i'm good for it Ronnie: its well cute that you reckon youve got any say Ronnie: possessive type i heard Joe: 😏 Ronnie: she changed the 🔒 on your room yet Joe: keep you in or out? Ronnie: reckon it ended at the pity eye fuck for me & her Joe: 💔 Ronnie: yeah Joe: i'll talk her 'round for you Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: i dont need you to translate for me Ronnie: we got the money your carer role is over Joe: it's all in the eyes, I heard you Joe: not patronizing on your deep relationship Ronnie: shut up Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: & drive faster Joe: 👌 Ronnie: fucking hell i can see why shes fucking obsessed with you Joe: if you want chat Joe: definitely in the wrong place Joe: she don't need to know my ears aren't listening to hers Ronnie: she already knows you do what youre told without talking back Ronnie: like a battered wife Joe: anything for an easy 💀 Ronnie: youre coming to the right place for that Ronnie: but i wont tell her Joe: it's not a reportable crime Ronnie: im not a snitch & i can wear shades if she tries to eye fuck her way to finding fuck all out Joe: dunno if that's enough of a disguise but I don't care Joe: a habit, she could say something about that Joe: but the rest Ronnie: what rest Ronnie: you only want a habit Joe: speak for yourself Ronnie: im echoing you Ronnie: you fucking said it Joe: you know it's not true though Ronnie: youre full of shit yeah Joe: yeah Joe: you too if you wanna pretend about it Ronnie: i dont play pretend im not a fucking kid Joe: good Joe: then you know what's happening here Ronnie: [a picture or video of whatever is happening where she is, lord knows] Joe: you don't have to reciprocate, dickhead Joe: no need to try and make me crash Ronnie: thought youd grown a set of balls & had em drop while ive been here Ronnie: what it sounded like Joe: how olds the other one Joe: he looks younger than me Ronnie: didnt do a survey Joe: I mean your mate, I don't know his name Joe: not Charlie Ronnie: 17 Joe: he must've been a baby when you met, like Ronnie: whats your point Joe: ain't got one Joe: just wondering Ronnie: youre not his type Joe: he's not mine Ronnie: stop wondering then Joe: why? Ronnie: hes fuck all to do with you Ronnie: your mam didnt push him out Joe: not trying to get to know him over you Ronnie: then why do you care Joe: same age as my brother Joe: and the girl my parents took in, one of Joe: that's it Ronnie: here we fucking go Ronnie: you said you werent gonna do that Joe: you kept asking Ronnie: cause i dont want you fucking nonce my brother Ronnie: give a fuck about yours Joe: 'cos you think I would, alright Joe: don't be stupid Ronnie: i dont know what youd do Ronnie: dont fucking know you Joe: well I'm straight and entirely uninterested Ronnie: youre also full of shit Joe: why do you give a fuck Joe: I'm only a year older, if I wanted to, I would Ronnie: why do i give a fuck that you lied to me or about him Ronnie: go ed & wonder about it Joe: it weren't a lie Joe: shit changes Ronnie: i dont wanna hear about them that aint gonna change Joe: fine Ronnie: fuck you Joe: also fine Joe: sorry, alright Joe: it means fuck all Ronnie: its not fine Ronnie: & it means im gonna be running comparisons in my head Joe: just forget about it Joe: of course they're all around my age ish, it don't mean you know any more about them Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: it don't matter Ronnie: cause you get to tell me what matters too yeah Joe: come on Ronnie: you dont or what to fucking do either Joe: then what Joe: I said it, I said sorry Joe: you do what you must Ronnie: go home & give horse girl your sorry Joe: fuck that Joe: you still need to get back to London and I'm nearly there Ronnie: i got here i can leave here Joe: bullshit Ronnie: you wish Joe: well I'm still coming Ronnie: i dont care Ronnie: youve been going on about how big it is Ronnie: stay the fuck away from me Joe: Jesus fucking christ don't be such a pussy Ronnie: you fucking wish Joe: whatever Joe: this is going nowhere right now Joe: you know where to find me when you wanna actually do something about it Ronnie: your half arsed self destruction is going nowhere Ronnie: do something about that your fucking self instead of trying to bait me Joe: I'm still on my way Ronnie: kents full of real pussys you can save Ronnie: youll 💘 it Joe: I don't give a fuck, Ronnie Ronnie: why are you crying Ronnie: you fucked me over Joe: because this is a waste of time Ronnie: youre a junkie now get used to it Joe: at least I've got that Ronnie: youre welcome baby Joe: good luck finding decent shit in kent Ronnie: not going with you dont mean im staying here Joe: but I've got mine already Ronnie: you can have selfish Joe: I told you I was bringing more for you Joe: if you can get over it you can have your share Ronnie: ill take it over it not Ronnie: *or Ronnie: you cant fucking stop me Joe: say you want me to come then Joe: i know where you are, not the other way 'round Ronnie: youre the liar mckenna Ronnie: i dont want you to be anywhere Joe: then why should I come and share Joe: that's a question Ronnie: you love heroics Joe: [show up at this point] Ronnie: [what a fun little reunion that'll be] Joe: [so, we know the vibes but also do we wanna pitch it out] Ronnie: [we totally can for our own amusement/in case a moment or something happens again] Joe: [so obviously he gets there and she's gonna be fuming hens, yeah?] Ronnie: [she gonna fight him lol enjoy that random peeps] Ronnie: [but that works cos like if someone takes that seriously instead of realising we just flirting with each other then they gotta go] Joe: [go away for some alone time to take your drugs somewhere, we voting beach] Ronnie: [yeah because realistically nobody will be there at this o clock unless they are likewise up for shady shit so it works for them as well as being romantic for us because has she been to the beach before probably not] Joe: [so unintentionallly wholesome] Ronnie: [try not to freak out immediately about that this time lads] Joe: [or OD again] Ronnie: [or freeze to death because when are you ever dressed for the weather gal] Joe: [have to stay close purely for warmth whoops] Ronnie: [can't pretend you're angry enough to be at the other end of the beach its not that deep] Joe: [shame it'll be too late to get fish n chips or something beach related but you can skim stones] Ronnie: [I wonder if there's anywhere you could break into because always a mood] Joe: [on a lot of seafronts they have those shelter moments that are boarded up you know what I mean] Ronnie: [yeah that was what I had in mind] Joe: [was that tracy beaker when jess and that girl were snuggled in there and tracy thought it was a lad lollol] Ronnie: [I loved that bit] Joe: [soz i've forgotten your name but that whole character and vibe was a mood, buzzing for the show/movie whatever they're doing] Ronnie: [a child Tess mood 100%] Joe: [fosho fosho, you're gonna have to sleep on this beach/his car 'cos not letting you drive in that state for that long yet tah] Ronnie: [we all know you're gonna be snuggling and I'm here for it, maybe you can get fish and chips in the am/when you wake up] Joe: [for breakfast lol, get all the sugary snacks as well like candy floss doughnuts, casual binge here like neither of you clearly eats much day to day] Ronnie: [healthwise you've both got bigger problems so we can allow it] Joe: [sugar high, living for unintentional wholesomeness lol] Ronnie: [love the childlike vibe always] Joe: [when I go the hunstanton with the gals, which is like, scummy seaside vibes you know, there's always rides there, but also there was like a tattoo hut where you could get actual tattoos for like a fiver and it looks so dubious lol] Ronnie: [omg that is amazing and we must] Joe: [you could get piercings too which might have him do just to mess with it] Ronnie: [we know she already has so likewise not gonna resist getting another, the more extra the better though placement wise cos we do love to shock joseph with our endeavours] Ronnie: [whack a tit out casually or whatever like] Joe: [lmao, dreading these infections hens] Ronnie: [I went to margate and all I got was this lousy tat and a persistent infection, put that on a t-shirt] Joe: [shame they only do flashes gals] Ronnie: [get some DIYing happening lads, we know that kind of thing is flirting for you] Joe: [the tension at this point like you've actually shown loads of restraint even though the opposite seems true lol] Ronnie: [lowkey not what anyone would expect of you which is why I like it] Joe: [mhmm not actually all doom and gloom even if we say and pretend it or what would be the point] Ronnie: [they'd actually be having such a lovely time and when was the last time either of them did, I'm fine about it yep] Joe: [truly, it ain't just about the drugs or any of the 'fucked up ness' from the off and that's the tea no one else be seeing] Ronnie: [mhmm and it wouldn't last how it does if it was] Joe: [connection huns] Ronnie: [the TENSION on this car journey back like don't crash tbh] Joe: [at least you can play really loud music and pretend that's distraction enough] Ronnie: [and play with your new injuries] Ronnie: [lowkey bonding even more about your love of music though we see you] Joe: [mhmm, when it's not all classical obvs 'cos you aren't Rosaline] Ronnie: [probably drop her at Charlie's hun cos otherwise something is gonna happen] Joe: [hope you brought him some rock but i know you did not lol, go make friends again, you go think 'bout your life joseph] Ronnie: [probably stole him a postcard that you've written some bants on to slide under his door] Joe: [that's cute, hilarious over-sexual postcard as they always are] Ronnie: [yeah exactly and then he knows you're back so you can talk or whatever you're gonna do to clear the air] Joe: [that's this era in general we know the vibe]

[slipmethevicxdin]

i wanna talk about something thats been on my mind and has been affecting me pretty heavily lately. im only okay with talking about this because not many irl’s follow me and i think im okay with the ones that do knowing about it, and tumblr has been my venting place for many years. and shit, this is gonna be so long that i’d be surprised if anyone actually read the whole thing, and i’ll most likely delete this. but here we go

so i guess i’ll start with the fact that i’ve always made the majority of my friends - and my closest friends - through the internet. so i follow, add and communicate with people i dont personally know because that’s how ive met almost all of my closest friends. 

i met someone through facebook that is an alumnus of the organization i was/am in. this happened when i was 18, had just ended my first relationship of 5 years, and in all honesty, desperately needed someone to lean on. i believe he reached out to me first. he was 5 years older than me, and i’ve honestly always been intimidated by age differences, in the form of submission, if that makes any sense. we talked almost everyday, not about anything significant but i’ve always been someone who falls really hard, really fast, even(/especially) without reciprocation. i’m also horrendous at reading people when it comes to intimacy/affection. and even though this guy was 5 years older than me, had also previously been in a long term relationship (which is usually a clear indicator that they’re most likely not looking for another relationship any time soon) and never actually showed any sign of interest past friendship in me, i was fucking swoon.

we eventually ended up going to see a movie, and even though he clearly said when he asked me, “not like a date or anything”, i still saw it that way, because yes, that’s how i was at the age of 18. i never got to experience dates or first times other than the ones i experienced with my ex so i was horrible at them, and he could tell. i think he could tell a lot about how naive and inexperienced i was in a lot of things and took advantage of it.

shortly after that, he asked if i wanted to “hang out” one night. an important thing to note here is that he worked in a place that had him working graveyard shifts, so there’s only two times i’ve seen him that weren't at night. another important thing to note is that as obvious as it may seem to any other person, because i’d only been with my ex at this point, i didn’t know that there’s normally only one reason that someone wants to “hang out” so late. but in my defense, he told me that maybe we could “go to the beach or something.” i also didn’t have a car yet at this time so he picked me up. when i got in his car and he started driving, he asked what i wanted to do and i said i was okay with whatever he wanted to do. so he said we could hang out at his place. i don’t think i need to further explain what happened, but it wasn’t non-consensual. i didn’t know exactly how to handle what was happening but i didn’t say no. 

i think this happened a few more times, one of which he was clear with why he wanted me over and i agreed. i was under the impression that we were in some sort of “relationship”, because i didn’t know at this point that sex and feelings could be mutually exclusive. but eventually he would stop talking to me days at a time until i realized he had no feelings invested in me. i eventually let it go but continued to look up to him sort of as a friend, but mostly as someone to go to when i needed guidance or advice because i was never able to disconnect from the thought of being submissive to him. a slightly insignificant part of that is that i am normally very adamant about paying for and in general taking care of myself in any situation but when he’d refuse to let me pay for anything i went along with it because of the way i saw him. he’d kinda painted himself as someone who would take care of me, in a sense. or maybe that was just part of how i perceived things. but anyways; 

anytime we would actually hang out after this, things always took a turn in ways i wasn’t comfortable with. he would grab me by the neck and claim it to be “playful”, put his hands through my hair and pull it as he put his face uncomfortably close to mine, hold me down, etc. even though i was uncomfortable, i still at that point was unable to see what was wrong with that because of the way i had grown to know our “relationship”.

there were times where, when we would hang out - outside of his house - we would hold hands and at that point i’d seen it as platonic, since i’d platonically held hands with a few friends other than him. once at a school/organization event we’d walked around holding hands and i didn’t think much of it. he brought me in and held me, and at that point i was beginning to grow uncomfortable because i was/am in a relationship. i pulled away but he did this a few more times.

later on in the night he’d walked me to my car but we were quite a distance away from his, so i gave him a ride back to his car. i got out to give him a hug before leaving but he kept me there for a while. he did his usual bit of pulling my hair and grabbing my neck, and smacked my ass a few times. i told him to stop multiple times but he didn’t take me seriously. eventually i was able to leave after hugging him and him holding me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. i later told my boyfriend and he didn’t have much of a response other than “okay” and “thanks for telling me”. i don’t think he knew how to handle the situation or if it needed handling. i don’t really hold that against him.

the last time i’d hung out with him was a typical instance of “let’s hang out tonight”. i should have said no. he picked me up, and we ended up at his house, which was the first time since we’d last slept together. the familiar routine of taking shoes off in the garage, walking up the stairs in the dark, and walking into his room already made me uncomfortable. but he knew i was in a relationship. i’d talked about my partner all the time with him. i didn’t think i had to worry about being pushed into anything. 

i struggled to keep the conversation going so that there wasn’t time for awkward silence. no time for him to get too close. but still, he’d grab me by the throat. still pull my hair. got on top of me. i was uncomfortable. started grinding against me. i was extremely uncomfortable. trying to make it clear that i was uncomfortable and wanted him off of me, said “are you trying to rub your dick on me?” he got off. but he got back on top of me not too long after, joking about how he was “rubbing his dick on me”. i tried to move. he eventually got off. but he started touching me. there. i moved his hand. i said it was time to go home. he did it again. i moved his hand, again. told him to stop. he grabbed my arm and did it again. then reached over and turned off the light. i told him to stop. he got on top of me. i said no. i said i didn’t want to have sex. he said he just wanted to make me cum.

it didn’t go as far as sex. but it was still painful. i was sore and swollen for maybe two days after. after a few days i was able to talk about it with my boyfriend. i felt like it was my fault. i honestly still do. i shouldn’t have went. i shouldn’t have continued to trust him after how many times i felt uncomfortable. but i did. my boyfriend didn’t blame me. he asked me if i had any intention of pressing charges, or at the very least, telling my dad. hell no, i didn’t. that would ruin his fucking life. but why do i feel that way if it’s not supposed to be my fault?

this thanksgiving i’ll be in new york, marching in the macy’s thanksgiving day parade. i’d asked him before all this happened if he’d go on the trip, and eventually talked him into it. i thought after not talking to him for 3 months, he would have dropped out, but he didn’t. i considered dropping out of the trip. at this point, i’m no longer having fun. the only reason i’m still going is because my entire family knows i’ll be there, as well as all my parent’s friends they’ve told. to make it easier on myself i switched from playing first part to second, to avoid having to be next to him since i assumed that he’d be on first. our director put him on second. he now stands next to me at rehearsals. 

i was told that i should inform the staff of what happened and get him removed from the trip, but i cant bring myself to do it. it’s embarrassing. i’d also be ruining his reputation with the organization. most likely asked why i didn’t report it. or even worse, be told that nothing can be done, which i’d expect to be the most likely outcome. 

i have no intention of continuing a friendship with him, but i’m civil with him when i have to be. and it’s weird. i don’t like it but i feel like of all the things i should’ve done, i didn’t and put myself in this position, leaving me with no valid reason to complain. 

i just needed to vent, because i haven’t said any of this from start to finish and reflecting on it i see how i was groomed but never had the common sense to know when to walk the fuck away. i honestly did this to myself.

#personal #tw #trigger warning