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ellohcee · 2 months

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slides in tell me about that reincarnation au you posted my dear :)

Oh thank why thank you for asking my most wonderful Scribby~

SO the very basic premise was inspired by this lovely animation (warning for some brief scenes of animal death), but I kind of went way off the rails beyond the simple setup. There's also hints of inspo from Princess Mononoke but it's more visuals than anything. And well it's gonna get long so I'll put it under a cut

Okay so David is a spirit who guards this forest and the animals there from hunters. Jasper lives in a town nearby and while he's not a dedicated hunter he is excellent with a bow and arrow so he's tasked with finding and killing this forest spirit. David's never harmed anyone but he simply chases any hunters out of the woods he protects so the nearby townspeople want him dealt with.

So Jasper is sent out, not super enthused about the whole thing because again, this forest spirit has never hurt anyone that they know of,AND he doesn't even really know what to look for bc the stories are inconsistent. Is it a beast, an animal, a human? No idea!

He gets deep into the forest which concerns him because he hasn't been chased out yet and he's in the heart of the spirit's territory. He breaks for a minute to watch some deer grazing in the sun, admiring how they're not at all afraid of him for some reason, and a fawn runs by him playing with another, and he turns and hi! There's the spirit he's been tasked to kill, just watching him. At this point David is a little bit of a sight, in a wooden mask and a cloak of leaves.

Jasper raises his bow on fear and instinct, the arrow ready to go, but doesn't fire right away, frozen. David walks closer, hand held out, and gently turns the arrow down without a word and Jasper relents easily. David walks by continuing on his way and Jasper follows him. Eventually they get to talking as they walk, and once Jasper see's David's face and smile for the first time this Bozo is done for.

It watches him, emotions hidden behind the wooden mask, eyes shadowed, as Jasper holds his hand out hesitantly. The spirit’s head tilts, the leaves rustling, and offers it’s hand. Jasper takes it, turning it palm up and gently wiping the dried blood away, hearing a soft hum from the spirit as he works. Once it’s palm is clean of blood, nothing left but a small red dot where the arrow had broken skin, Jasper looks back up and gasps, his heart racing once more. But it’s not from fear this time. The spirit had lifted the wooden mask when Jasper was engrossed with cleaning the wound, watching him with a very human face. His eyes are green, not as striking as spring grass but a little more towards teal, watching him curiously. His cheeks and the bridge of his nose are scattered with freckles, and Jasper can see a few strands of auburn hair falling beneath the mask, obscuring one of his eyes just a little bit. Jasper stands rooted to the spot by surprise, entranced by the spirit’s eyes, his gentle expression, the slow upturn at the corners of his mouth as a most beautiful smile lights up his face. Oh no.

So basically they hang out, get to know each other, David shows Jasper around the forest, places people would usually get chased out of (it's based on ill intent, and even though Jasper starts off thinks he'll have to kill the forest spirit, it wasn't ever gonna happen even because he's not like that!)

And because this killing never happened, Jasper just kind of... doesn't go back. At first he's just camping out until morning to head back, but he ends up staying for another day. And another, and so on. And what if he goes back, lies and says he didn't find anything? Will they send someone else out here to try to hunt down David? He doesn't like the thought

Eventually more people DO show up, assuming Jasper's dead or abandoned the job. They scuffle because he's not going to let these assholes kill David, but he's outnumbered and gets hurt Bad because they'd gotten separated in the fight and David can't reach him in time.

They share a few last moments, David promises to find Jasper again in another life if he'll wait to be found. He passes on some magic to help Jasper's spirit come back. He doesn't know when or where, but he knows he'll find Jasper when the time is right.

Fast forward, David's forest is shrinking as society expands and evolves, picking off his trees from all directions so he can't stop it from happening as it's all taken for building and clearing space. Every tree and every animal killed weakens his powers as a forest spirit, and eventually finds himself in the modern world with nothing left to call home, so he has to adapt and live amongst humans.

He's just starting to wonder if he's missed Jasper, that he's lost everything, when they meet again! Where? Oh yeah I'm gonna be that guy we're going classic COFFEE SHOP BABY. He doesn't realize right away because his head is down reading, but he hears that name called out at the pickup counter. He's met a few other Jaspers but none of them have ever been his, but despite how long it's been he KNOWS this is his Jasper finally.

Jasper sees David when he turns from the pick up counter and he's hit with this sense of familiarity, painfully so, even though he's pretty sure he's never seen this man before. But something pushes him to walk over and ask to sit, and after a few awkward moments, he asks if they've met before.

David's like ELATED on the inside because he finally found Jasper again, but J clearly doesn't remember him on the surface level and he doesn't want to freak him out so he's like "yeah a long time ago"

They chat for a bit to get reacquainted, David offering vague and careful answers, as close to the truth as he can get without scaring Jasper off. They eventually leave the coffee shop to walk and talk for about an hour when it starts getting late and David excuses himself with an offer to talk more another time so he doesn't overload Jasper and give him time to think.

Before they part ways, David abruptly moves forward and wraps the other man in a hug, startling Jasper into sucking in a soft breath. “I’m sorry,” he breathes as Jasper stands only a little tense in his arms. “I just… missed you so much.” Jasper remains still, flushed, his heart racing. “Um, did… were you...” he trails off, wondering how he could forget this man who seems to know him so dearly and how he could possibly forget... “It’s hard to explain,” David says in a thin, wavering voice, that hint of sadness creeping in once more. Sadness and longing, as if he’d lost something very dear. Jasper’s not used to being dear to someone, and he feels his heart constrict at the raw emotion in this man’s voice. Jasper searches his memory, trying so hard to recall. He has to remember. David is so sweet, but holding back, maybe trying not to push him. He has to remember for him. He closes his eyes tight, returning David’s embrace. He hears the ginger take in a shaky breath, his hands trembling where they rest on Jasper’s shoulders. He keeps his eyes shut. He searches, desperately searches. There has to be reason for the kindle of a flame he’d felt upon first catching David’s eyes in the coffee shop. There has to be something, he’s not just some guy he’d met once before, they must have been close, but he can’t remember anyone in high school he’d been friends with and parted ways, or junior high, or even grade school. So where where where does David fit into this picture? Where are those missing pieces that he hadn’t realized had been missing? Why does he need them back so badly? “It’s okay that you don’t remember,” David whispers hoarsely. “If it helps, I once told you I’d find you again, if… if you would wait for me.” Jasper sucks in a breath as flash of a memory rips through the uncertain haze around David. Trees, open sky, birdsong, a wolf… “We-” he cuts off, voice catching. “We met in a forest…?” he trails off hesitantly, trying to remember when he’d ever been in a forest. He hates camping but his parents had taken him when he was younger. But would it have been that long ago? “Yes,” David replies softly, amazed, pulling back to look at him with wide eyes. Green eyes, not so striking as spring grass, but more teal… Jasper’s breathing a little shaky now, brows furrowed as he searches the ginger’s face. His head starts to hurt, a wince pulling at his face. “Are you alright?” David asks softly, concerned, reaching out to hesitantly cup Jasper’s face, unable to fight back the old gesture. His heart races at the familiar warmth, those eyes staring right into his soul, begging to be remembered even though David is being so patient on the outside. “Yeah yeah just- headache,” Jasper explains. “Why- why wouldn’t I remember you? Did something happen?” he asks in confusion, looking a little pale, his heart clenching at the way David hesitates. “Jasper, you don’t look well,” David shushes softly, running his thumb just below his eye. “Why don’t we pause this for now- would you like to sit down and rest for a bit? And maybe after some water, if you feel up to it, we can talk more…?” he asks hesitantly. “Yeah,” Jasper immediately replies, because the more time he spends with David, the stronger this feeling is becoming. A nagging sensation that he’s forgotten something, someone important. And he wants so badly to untangle this whole mess. He wants to know.

This is getting way too long I'm sorry but that's the TLDR!! Here's some concept sketches for David and you can see where the Princess Mononoke vibes come in as his look was heavily inspired by San but more... David

And he's got a beast form!

#ellotalks #thank you for indulging me i love you #forest spirit au

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nykloss · 10 months

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stumbled across some of your posts about a code lyoko ttrpg

i am interested please tell me more 😭

ive been wanting to run code lyoko dnd for so long but i dont have the smarts to change dnd to make it feel code lyoko

Hey there! I'm super excited that someone's interested in this because it's such a passion project of mine haha, I'm sorry in advance if this answer is more than you bargained for!

To give you the rundown, I ran a very brief and experimental dnd 5e hack for Code Lyoko a couple of years ago for some friends. It was a lot of fun, but the system was SO badly Frankenstein'ed that we ran into a lot of technical issues, especially regarding the Lyoko/reality split and how it effected different builds. The old guide for that hack can be found here for free, but please take note that it is very informal and poorly optimized!

Recently though, I've been experimenting with non-dnd systems and building my own tabletop games, which is where Warriors of Xanadu comes into play. (This might get lengthy so feel free to skip to the TLDR.)

Warriors of Xanadu is a code-lyoko/garage-kids inspired system that I'm working on myself with the help of a few more experienced friends. It's built off of the Apocalypse World framework (basically a 2d6 system–if you've played Monster of the Week, Masks, or Avatar: Legends, think something like that) specifically designed to work well with the world and story CL provides. That means all the gameplay mechanics are inherently relevant to running code-lyoko-inspired adventures and there's no extra work to be done on your part. It's also a lot easier to teach/learn than something like DnD. (Even the character sheets are designed to be accessible so players could technically make their character with just their printed-off sheets and no additional resources! Much easier than dnd.)

Each non-GM player plays as a "Hero" and chooses a unique combination of a playbook (centered around academic character tropes like cool kid, geek, class clown, etc.) and a class sheet (how they appear on "Xanadu," with options like rogue, mage, warrior, etc.). Then, In-game, heroes go through episodic challenges where they encounter problems in reality caused by "the Virus," and must transport themselves to Xanadu to combat it. There's also a handful of original mechanics relating to social/academic rapport, corruption from the supercomputer, etc. The health/harm system and combat is inspired by Apocalypse World and Monster of the Week, and is meant to inspire a more survival/horror element than what something like dnd would provide. (Essentially the goal is not to engage in and "win" lengthy combat encounters, but to stay alive and usually avoid enemies when possible.)

I feel it's also important to note that it's not 1:1 Code Lyoko; it's very transformative and a handful of ideas are heavily abstracted to be more fun in a ttrpg setting. It's open-ended and customizable enough that you could technically run an unrelated story with it. That also means that there's some fun surprises for folks familiar with Code Lyoko, though, and you could still run something close-to-canon if you wanted.

The first draft of WoX is about 60-70% completed, I just need to finish the GM-heavy parts of the manual, finish some of the moves, and actually put together fillable playbooks/class sheets. I'm hoping to have it completed and ready to playtest by the end of the summer, but that's a loose deadline. Once I've done some playtesting and gotten feedback from others, I'll probably release the first public version on drivethru rpg and/or itch.io as a free or PWYW sorta deal.

TLDR; Warriors of Xanadu is a powered-by-the-apocalypse style trrpg system I'm working on. It's made from the ground up to support a Code Lyoko inspired campaign. I'm almost done with it but still have some work to do!

If you're comfy coming off of anon, I'd be happy to make note of you and send you the playtest version when I'm done with it, or answer any additional questions! (Same goes for anyone else reading this!)

#code lyoko #garage kids #nyklos is typing #wox ttrpg #sorry this is a lot I just love talking shop about ttrpgs and I never have a chance to tell people about WoX

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xxavengingangelxx · 1 day

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Behind Blue Eyes 1/1

Summary: What exactly happened to Val between days 6 and 10 after she was captured? Why did she suddenly become so compliant? From Graves’s POV. Because, well because Val doesn’t remember. For the simple reason that Graves doesn’t want her to. Maybe out of kindness (because those days were rough), but maybe because generally, a brainwasher doesn’t want their target to remember being brainwashed.

Inspired by one of my fave YouTubers, Dark5.

youtube

I thought about titling this Your beauty never really scared me, a line from one of my favorite songs, Mary on a Cross by Ghost. Just because reader is gorgeous (yes, all y'all are gorgeous!) and Graves wants her but while her beauty might have intimidated other men, of course it didn't intimidate Graves cuz he's a narcissistic used to getting what he wants ;)

Warnings: Torture (nothing graphic), brainwashing, threats of harm, general mindfuckery, etc. This is sadistic Las Almas Graves, a heartless mercenary, kk? ;)

Tags! @unicorngirly1, @c0d-lvr, @bellgraves. I had a taglist when I was posting more often but I lost it so please let me know if you'd like to be added :)

This is connected to my fic Long Way from Home, link to the first part below. It's a fic where Graves captures 141's translator in Mexico thinking she has valuable information. She undergoes torture enhanced interrogation techniques thanks to Graves and Shadow Company. She holds her own much better than Graves thought she would.

It took 6 days to finally break Val. She finally let go of information that wouldn’t have harmed anyone anyway. Those homing beacons we got from her were old, and she knew that. She refused to give them up for the simple fact that she was defiant. Shepherd’s happy she broke. But he said he’s still flying down. He said he wants her actively working for us.

He told me I have 4 days. 4 days to bring her to our side. I told him that’s impossible, that it took a lot longer than that to essentially brainwash someone. Yes, she’d broken but not willingly.

He told me I knew what to use to do just that. Brainwash her. I know what he was referring to. But no. I didn’t want to. It might kill her.

“Ten Minutes to Midnight,” Shepherd told me.

He told me to do it or he’d kill her. In front of me.

So I relented and went to a computer with some heavily encrypted files. The kind of computer that had a case designed to live through nuclear war and electromagnetic pulse attacks. I pulled up something I learned from the CIA in my dealings with them.

The file titled 10 Minutes to Midnight: The Brainwasher’s Handbook.

The below might sound brutal but just remember I did it to save her life.

Val had no idea where she was. The last 24 hours had been a blur and her life had been turned upside down. Everything had changed…everything. Well, her life had changed since Las Almas, I’m certain. Pretty sure she’s never been held captive before.

She’d broken. And that’s what mattered. She was still sedated, somewhat. I couldn’t tell if she was passed out due to exhaustion or if she was still drugged. Maybe both.

But I only had 4 days so we had to fast track this.

She was dead weight when I picked her up. She was definitely lighter than the last time. She was clearly choosing not to interact with me (full on scowled at me before I picked her up and it was hard not to smack her) so when I got back to my barracks I sat her up on my bed, against the wall.

I told her, “We’re not done yet.” And the terrified look in her darker eyes told me that this just might work. Poor thing was still so tired and weak.

We had to be careful here because we didn’t exactly want to erase her entire identity. We needed Val to keep her identity. But she just had to want to work for us. She had to be more violent. Just not towards us like had been for the last 6 days. Seriously, it was getting annoying and exhausting having to be on edge in case she took a swing at me anytime I was within arm’s reach of her. She knew it would result in her getting her ass beat but she seemed to think it was worth it, saying she liked seeing me bleed (she scratched a lot, too).

I tried, really tried to do things the easy way.

I asked told her to come work with me.

And, well, she said fuck you. So disrespectful.

I walked away. Because I wanted to fucking hit her, push her into the wall. But there was a better way to start things. She wanted water and who was I to tell a lady no? I just added a benzo to it. She was out like a light. It was comforting, just watching her sleep, listening to her breathe.

I moved her to what we call one of our soft interrogation rooms. It wasn’t a cell, it wasn’t a concrete cube like she’d been locked in before, but it certainly wasn’t comforting. Just your basics, nothing else: somewhere somewhat comfortable to sleep and less harsh lighting than the rooms (yes, rooms as in multiple because we’ve been moving her to base after base every day) she’d been in before. With one main difference: have you heard of white torture? Everything in that room was white, everything she was allowed to wear was white. It was a form of sensory deprivation that made people easier to brainwash. I made it clear to my men: Val doesn’t leave this room. This is the only room we’d convince her to work for us in. And after she came around, she was never to see this room again.

Because it might trigger memories of how she used to be.

Anyway.

Brainwashing is easy. And it’s not like I have to spend 24/7 with the target. A few of my men were trained in CIA techniques so they knew where to pick up when I needed a break. Val would be worked on 24/7.

Step 1: Assault on identity

Telling the target they’re not the person they think they are. I told Val she wasn’t who she thought she was. She thought she was an inseparable part of 141. She saw Price as a father figure and the other boys as older brothers. Well, except for Johnny for the simple fact that she used to fuck him. I’d make sure he stayed extra far away from her. He might be a potential trigger for her.

No, you’re not a part of 141. No, you hadn’t known them for years. No, you could not trust them with your life. They’ll kill you if the catch you. Or help lock you up in a military prison the rest of your life. No, they’re not going to forgive you for betraying them, even if you told them it was under torture.

She put up one hell of a fight against this and it was certainly admirable. She even attempted to escape two hours into the ordeal when one of my boys opened the door to that room. But if the first step doesn’t get accomplished, the nine other steps won’t either. So every time she would deny my statements, I would hurt her. Nothing too bad, of course. I couldn’t leave too many new injuries on her. Just stress positions, pressure points, and keeping her awake. I feel like she’d had enough physical abuse coercion.

After 12 hours of repeated verbalizations and some pain she became noticeably less cocky and sure of herself. Hour 14, she sounded confused for lack of a better term. Granted, she had been kept awake for more than 14 hours but she appeared really confused. I asked her to confirm her identity and she seemed even more confused. She whispered her name, but it sounded as if she was asking a question. But I could tell she was doing it only because she was scared. She wasn’t turned yet but this is only the first step so of course she wasn’t.

Her beliefs and her identity were weakened. Not broken yet but weakened. And so I moved onto the next step.

Step 2: Guilt

This step is generally more violent. It has to be. This is where you convince your target they’re the scum of the earth…a horrible person. I told her that 141 were war criminals and that she had helped them. I had to do this step in full uniform to add to the effect. She always showed more fear when I showed up in uniform. I was the only thing with color in that room so she was dead focused on me. She was desperate to look at anything that wasn’t snow white, even if it was her tormentor me.

Yes, Val, you’d helped war criminals. And you resisted my men and I, who were not anything close to war criminals. That we only killed when we had to. And that we certainly didn’t take advantage of females in our group like Soap had done her.

Predictably, she got violent.

So, unfortunately we had no choice but to respond in kind. Of course, no serious injuries. But she felt pain nonetheless. The more hours that ticked by, however, the more exhausted she became and the less she fought. She wasn’t even trying to cover her ears and scream over us to go the fuck away or to shut the fuck up anymore after about another 12 hours. She stopped just screaming into the dark void of her room. She just listened.

But one thing that she would not stop reacting violently to (as in swinging, scratching, kicking, biting, you name it) was the suggestion that the Scot of 141 had taken advantage of her. That was fine, we could drop one or two items off our list. So we left that one alone.

She still hadn’t slept by the way.

Step 3: Self-Betrayal

I told her to admit that she was bad. I told her over and over amid physical okay and sexual threats. Although she, as always, resisted, under the threat of breaking her arm, she agreed in a desperate tone of voice. Because I promised her she didn’t want to have a serious injury on-base, that it would lead to misery. She agreed that she was a bad person because of her job and the people she worked for.

I forced her to admit that her parents were bad people, clearly, and maybe that had been passed onto her. Genetics and all that shit, right? She admitted, on demand, that she was a bad person.

And after she did that, I let her sleep. Only for a few hours. Just long enough to where she slept deeply enough to where a simple ultrasonic wave caused a concussion without leaving marks or making her any the wiser. But weaking her to the next part.

Step 4: Breaking Point

Psychic driving: Strap a someone (preferably concussed) down, give them paralytic drugs and make them listen to a repeated statement hundreds if not thousands of times. Then, you just break them down with something called depatterning which uses drugs, electric shocks and sensory deprivation. The result? It destroys your target’s personality. Then you get to replace the personality with whatever you want.

The only issue we ran into is that we couldn’t quite erase her entire personality or identity. We still needed Val to be Val. Just anti-141 Val. Maybe a version of Val that was a little more trigger happy. A version of Val where maybe, just maybe, she’d kill for us. The CIA would do that shit to people for days, sometimes weeks, we just did it for 36 hours.

And after about 36 hours of that shit, she was almost totally different. After she had been unstrapped, she seemed numb. She gave me this look, this broken, shocked look and then she just broke down. She started screaming and crying about how she didn’t know where the hell she was, who she was, what she stood for. She actually begged me to tell her who she was. Later that night she was convinced she was back in Las Almas. She got psychotic. She wasn’t there. She had fallen off the brink and it was time to pull her back.

Step 5: Leniency

This is kind of like the Stockholm syndrome building stage. She heard me come into her room and she instantly backed up, retreating against the wall, eyes focused on the floor. So I soothed her, promised I wouldn’t hurt her. I mentioned that because she was making progress in trying to make up for all the bad she had done and that I wouldn’t hurt her. I asked her if she wanted something, anything to eat. She told me she wanted a burger and fries. Simple enough. So I got them for her. It was the first time she’d something other than white rice in days.

But I made sure she knew that the only reason I was doing this was because she was making an active effort to make up for all the bad she had done beforehand. I started showing up in civilian clothes. She agreed to make an effort to right the wrongs she had done in the past. Later that night, She got to sleep in a warm room, a normal room for the first time (i.e. not a white torture room). She got to sleep in a warm bed all because, I kept telling her, she was changing herself for the better.

While it may not seem like much, after days of torture and interrogation followed by now days of brainwashing techniques, these small acts of kindness make her think I saved her life and that she owes me. She even said she felt obliged to me and so clearly there was increased trauma bonding.

Step 6: Compulsion to Confession

Next I told her that she could do something for me after everything I had done for her. I told her she could help herself feel better, too. How? By confessing that her past life had been a mistake full of bad deeds. I told her she could confess to me. And while she resisted at first, a little prodding eventually convinced her.

She confessed that her whole life she had lived a lie, that she had been brainwashed by the military to believe she was doing good, but that in reality, she had done horrible things. Her job had turned her into a horrible person. She confessed all of this.

And the best part? She thanked me.

Step 7: Channeling of guilt

Val started this stage on her own.

“I feel bad,” when I asked her why, she gave me this perfect answer about how she had done bad things with her life. She didn’t know how to fix things, she told me. How could she fix things, she wondered, if she had been doing them for such a long time?

She couldn’t have said it in a better, more perfect way. When I asked for the specifics of what she had done wrong, she had no idea. It’s not uncommon for subjects to be confused as to the specifics of what they’ve done wrong. So I told her that her previous identity and belief system were the source of her agony. What she had believed in were the cause of her pain. And I told her that if she wanted to alleviate her guilt, that she would reverse her identity and her beliefs. She could still be saved, I promised her. I told her she wasn’t a bad person but that her beliefs were bad. Easily fixable, I promised her.

While I didn’t take into account how many hours each stage took, the stages lasted shorter and shorter.

Step 8: Releasing of Guilt

This step involved convincing Val that it wasn’t she that was bad but that her previous beliefs were. She smiled for the first time in days and asked if this meant that she could fix what her past beliefs had made her do. I promised her that’s exactly what it meant. All she needed to do was denounce the people she had worked for and denounce that belief system.

To test her, I handed her her dog tags (we’d taken them from her to prevent a third suicide attempt). She wanted to melt them down because she said it reminded her of her 141 days.

I told her not quite because we might have to work with them again in the future.

This was when she realized that she wasn’t a bad person but that her previous beliefs had made her bad. And that she could make up for it by working with us and for us.

Step 9: Progress and Harmony

The path to ‘good’ was helping my cause, I told her. If she really wanted to make up for the things her past beliefs and dedications had caused her to do, she would follow the instructions I gave her. She agreed and this is where generally, the abuse use of force stops. I don’t need to hurt her anymore because she’s agreeing. She’s so far gone that abuse is unnecessary and might work against me. I gave her the illusion of choice (when in reality I’m not giving her a choice) in that she can choose between going back to her bad, evil ways or that she could choose a better path. I reminded her that her old ways had burdened her with so much guilt that they had led to a mental breakdown.

Remember that breakdown you had a few days ago? I had asked her. She nodded. I told her that her guilt had been so overwhelming that she had broken down and I had saved her. In order to prevent another breakdown, she would choose my way. Needless to say, she made the right choice.

Step 10: Final confession and rebirth

Who are you? Still Val, just a better person (she’d actually forgotten her first name as a result of this and maybe the almost week of torture we dealt her before). She said she was more than willing to work with me.

To make sure, I told her I needed to try something.

Downers and Uppers is what the CIA called it back when they did it.

My medic 10-4 and I got ahold of amphetamines and benzodiazepines. He set up an IV of each on each arm.

I watched as he drugged her with the ‘downer’ until she was almost asleep. Then he injected her with the ‘upper’ which jolted her awake and sent her heart rate skyrocketing.

Round and around it went, up and down. And holy shit did she reveal more information about 141. Some theories of downers and uppers that suggestions made during this interrogation technique seem to…for lack of a better word…stick.

She couldn’t lie during this hellish cycle. Literally could not. When I asked her if she’d work with me, without hesitation, she said yes.

And that’s when I knew we were done.

Well, almost done. The only thing left was to use ultrasound to re-concuss her and erase or bury the memories of the past 4 days deep.

Then I carried her back to my room. 10-4 said she should be able to sleep it off.

I told Shepherd it’s done. With a few hours to spare. I got her changed into more comfortable clothes I’d kept with me from one of prior nightly liaisons.

So then I picked her up again, led her back to that cold, sterile, cell. She’d wake up here and remember being tortured but she wouldn’t remember us coaxing her to our side.

She continued sleeping it off until I decided to really test the waters. I knew that because we did a shortened version of Ten Minutes to Midnight (its supposed to take weeks, ideally), there were going to be some kinks.

And that was confirmed when she watched me step into that cell.

“What do you want?” she whispered. At least she wasn’t charging at me or yelling at me.

“How long have you been here?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. You’re using all kinds of sensory deprivation.”

“10 days,”

And she snapped up at that. “No way,” she claimed.

So I pointed out how far along her injuries were healed. “Surprised you don’t remember screaming when we stitched ya up seeing as we didn’t use anesthesia.”

“Val, you were gone,” I paused before adding, “You don’t remember ripping that IV outta your arm and saying you wanted to die?”

She shook her head.

“You’re lying,” she said. She then pulled up her sleeves and saw the numerous IV track marks and the slices into her skin from her suicide attempts (One from a piece of glass, like seriously? And the other from ripping that IV out of her arm).

“You’re lying!” She yelled. And then she shoved me. For a second there I thought I was gonna have to drag her back to the drawing board. So I issued one warning: “Next time you put your hands on me I’m gonna break your arm,” and where before she would have dared me to, swung at me, scratched me, she complied.

I stepped closer towards her and she muttered I not get any closer. “When did you get here?” I asked again. I tossed her my watch. The look on her horrified face almost made me feel sorry for her.

“Havin’ a rough night?” I easily took my watch out of her trembling hands. “Tell you what. Come hang out with me tonight.”

She gave me this scared look. So I promised that as long as she wasn’t violent, I wouldn’t be either. She was also apparently terrified of my boys so I promised they wouldn’t lay a hand on her either.

She full on flinched when she heard me lock the door to my room. So I told her to relax, that we weren’t doing anything she wasn’t comfortable with. She was so confused. She had no idea she’d broken and she had no idea she’d been brainwashed.

So I wasn’t totally taken off guard when she walked up to me and kissed me. And I sure as hell found out that night that she was definitely on our side.

The clock just ticked one minute closer to midnight for you, 141.

Learn more! This fic was also inspired by a video from one of my favorite YouTubers, Dark5.

youtube

#phillip graves #phillip graves x reader #cod mw2 #graves x reader #cod mwii #mw2 141 #cod mw3 #longwayfromhome #Youtube

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free-for-all-fics · 8 months

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Crossover Fic ideas between Dominic Craven from The Dare and John from He’s Out There! Pls tag me if you’re inspired by any of these ideas and I’d love to read it! I just think a crossover between these two men would be so cool since their masks/character design, personalities, and movie settings are all pretty similar in my opinion! 🪵🤎🪓

I’m not sure what the plot would be exactly. It could be romantic where both of these masked men are in love with you and maybe a little obsessed. They might spend days or weeks stalking you from the woods, building up to them inevitably kidnapping you. They might leave non-poisoned cupcakes and other gifts for you in the woods to find. If you take any of their gifts home, it means you love them back! If you ignore their gifts, it just means they have to try harder at earning your love! Are you long lost childhood friends reunited? Their teenage sweetheart who decided to go with them and live in the woods together sometime after John was 18? A former victim of theirs that they fell in love with and released from captivity after you became loyal and proved yourself to them? Someone with an uncanny resemblance to their past love and their new obsession because they think you’re her and/or want you to be her replacement after she died tragically from accident or sickness (the woods isn’t exactly the safest or healthiest place to live in)? Or maybe you met and fell in love with both of these men in a different way. It’s all up to you! What do you think a romantic poly relationship with both John and Dominic would look like?

Maybe something platonic where you’re their long lost baby sister whom they still remember and love even after 20 years of you being gone. Some time when he was 18, something happened that caused John to flee into the woods. Your other brother, Dominic, went missing in those same woods when he was 9. Neither of them were ever found, so you and your family eventually moved out of the house and started living in a trailer. You stayed outside all day to escape your abusive father and by the time you made the long walk back, the trailer was up in flames. Both your parents were dead. You were found by police/forest rangers and taken away, put into foster care or adopted into a new family. You were separated from your brothers for years, and the house was eventually sold to another family. The children found some of John and Dominic’s old stuff that they left behind, such as morbid children's books, weird stick figure drawings, and creepy handmade dolls.

Unbeknownst to the children, these dolls were meant as welcome home gifts for you. Your brothers are patient as they anticipate your return. They found each other and reunited sometime after Dominic murdered the farmer, so they’re hopeful you’ll find them again and come home. When that day finally comes, neither of your brothers will ever let you get away from them again. They lost you once, and they couldn’t bear to let it happen a second time. Neither of them would survive it. You’re their little sister and always will be. Now that they’re all grown up, they’ll take really good care of you. They’ll protect you from any threats or dangers that may cause you harm. They wished they could’ve done a better job of defending you when you were children, but now as big strong men they can be your shield! They may kidnap you and hold you captive, but it’s all done out of love and concern for your well-being! The outside world is a very scary and dangerous place, full of strangers and shady people who’d want to hurt or corrupt you! They love you more than anything or anyone and just want to keep you safe and make you happy! You’re not allowed to have friends, but who needs those when you have your big brothers! (Or maybe they’ll cave in and get you “pets” to play with so you don’t get too lonely or bored.)

Whether romantic or platonic, you’d be the only living person fortunate enough to see their faces. They trust you enough to unmask themselves in front of you. They’re willing to show vulnerability in front of you and only you. You’re the only one who can make them feel comfortable in their own skin, the only one who can make them feel loved. And they both love you in return.

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mamamittens · 4 months

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Should be asleep, you know what that means!

Side note before the tangent for my OC for serotonin and rubber ducking, got the sketch done for my next December event piece. And work is almost optimistic about letting us out at a normal time again. We'll see if that holds... Tuesday traffic is the worst. Saw someone once peel onto the main street from a side road across the two lanes going the other direction to wildly swerve into the proper side of traffic, nearly run into the green covered median with a tree, wildly swerve and nearly hit a car, only to settle down in the far left lane line they didn't go about 20 miles too fast for that shit.... Thankfully traffic was light at the time and barely anyone on that particular road, but still!

Okay, so here's a hilarious fun fact about myself.

I'm actually quite scared of heights. Like, unimpeded heights get to me. I need solid walls and minimal contact with a window to feel comfy and looking down still wigs me out. And my fear response is actually freeze except under very specific conditions (if I know someone is fucking with me, that freeze turns into burning hate and I either explode or freeze to keep from catching a charge). I remember being on the... Lily pads??? In a water park and getting scared halfway and the guards having to help me get down cause I was in tears despite thinking I could handle it. Also nearly drowned in the wave pool cause I was dumb enough to park right under the guard chair near the end where the waves were biggest and was exhausted by the time it calmed down... Anyway!

Point being, it would be interesting to put that into a character. I often see fear presented in running away, misdirection, or pondering. Rarely do I get to see a character be afraid and emotional about it in a complicated way. Usually because I acknowledge that from an outside perspective it's really annoying if you're not invested in that fear. Like, do we really have time for the theatrics? Get over it already???

Where was I going with this??? Oh! Flying!

I thought it would be interesting to have Nikia fear heights! Being pretty timid in general, actually. Scared to take risks. So when she realizes her wings are growing so much so that she could fly shes so excited at first! But then when she goes to the updraft area to practice she's frozen. She can't move. She knows in theory she should be fine, even without her wings being big enough for independent flight, but it's still scary as hell.

So she chickens out and goes home incredibly upset. Possibly for days, barely eating because she just can't do it even though she really wants to. Ashamed, embarrassed, and angry at herself. Maybe it leads to a bonding moment with her pirate dad over fear and risks. Reassuring her and getting a glider to fly with her so she's not alone. And going back every time until she finally says it's okay if he stays behind.

He'd go in secret anyway, so damn proud that she's doing it despite being scared still. He'd likely drill flight and escape plans into her, aware that she's not totally safe from harm up there. Including the inspiration for her favorite takeout move of pretending to get hit, spinning 'out of control' and using it to take a pot shot at her attacker.

His crew would likely also teach her how to defend herself with something a little more personal. Haven't decided what exactly, but I like the idea of something that doesn't appear to be deadly or aggressive. Defensive in nature like a staff or fans. Something she can fidget with and carry easily. Possibly childish in nature due to reasons that I'll get into later. She may still have knives and a spare revolver on her person but that's more of a 'i need a permanent solution' type of deal. Her wings can also work in a pinch but she's reluctant to use them primarily because it's so hard to treat injuries on her wings due to their size. Does mean they hit very hard though.

Now, she really hates sparing because she doesn't believe in hurting people she loves. Sparing goes against that really hard because to learn you need to go all out at least at first. And it's just too anxiety inducing until someone suggests she treats it like a game. So she never gets worked up (she's slightly competitive despite trying not to be a sore loser whoops) to take it too far and finds her customer service voice creepy. Really comes off as sadistic, ngl

#mittens rambles #one piece oc #back on my bullshit

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lilredghost · 8 months

Note

9, 40 and 75 from the Get to know your fic writer! If you like 🤍

Don't mind if I do! Questions from this ask game

9. Do you comment on stories you read?

Absolutely yes! It's so important to me to engage with fanworks and let the creators know how much I appreciate their work!! I've always tried to do this with art (leaving something in the tags when I reblog), but when I started writing I realized how much leaving comments make an impact on authors too. It just fuels so much joy and energy and creativity! Kudos are lovely, but in terms of gauging how much people liked a fic, they sort of fall into the "polite applause" category to me. But when someone takes a minute to leave a comment, even if it's just "<3 <3 <3" or "I loved this!", it becomes real. And I notice when someone is a consistent commenter on my works, so I'm sure others do too!

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

OK first of all I think I would probably cry tears of joy and love it forever no matter WHICH scene it was. But to actually answer the question, I think I would want it to be something that portrays a major theme or something unique to the fic! Like, for Lace me up, something about the lingerie ("the clothing you found. it's mine" / "would you like to see?") or the softness ("I want you to feel safe with me, Obi-Wan.") or the daddy kink ("Daddy, take care of me?"). Or for Their fragrance came from you, the hair braiding, one of the iterations of "Tell me more", "This is Anakin Skywalker", or "Maybe he’ll turn out to be, ah… *accomodating.*" Very long answer to basically say I would love it most if was something important and/or recognizable to the fic in question. But I would love it regardless because I know how much time and effort goes into making art, and the idea that someone would go through all that because they liked my work or it inspired them is incredible!!

75. What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it?

You didn't include a fic name, but I know you've been keeping up with Their fragrance came from you, so I'll answer for that! The first 4 scenes of chapter 15 were actually incredibly difficult for me to write, because I hadn't planned for them at all. My outline had jumped straight from Obi-Wan rimming Anakin to the diplomatic lunch, and I had zero idea how to get the characters from point A to point B. At first I had thought the jump would be fine since it was like, new chapter, new day, but when I sat down to write, I felt like I needed something in between. And I've been peppering in additional scenes where it feels necessary, but idk, these really came out of left field. And then I couldn't decide how far I wanted them to go (sexually) or even what was going to happen before the diplomatic lunch. But in the end I'm really pleased with how it came out, so no harm done! Just goes to show that no matter how much you think or imagine or plan ahead, once you start putting things down on paper, you're at the mercy of the story.

#big answers for this one too haha #but thanks for the questions 🥰🥰#asks #wibzen #ask game

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amynchan · 1 year

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Am I going to write this? Probably not. That's why it's going here!

TW! DEATH!

Anyhoot, here we go!

.../.../.../

Jiang Cheng sent to an AU where he’s happy. Could be magic, could be a curse, but he's fully immersed in this universe and believes it to be the only one. His dad respects his decisions (or at least is able to empathize with his reasoning), his mom is proud of him because he’s able to inspire loyalty and strength, Wei Wuxian is his right hand man, and Jiang Yanli and the peacock are still alive, and Jin Ling is always excited to see him. He’s a sect leader still, and he’s not alone.

He stays there, content for a while, until the little things start.

It’s Jin Ling, first of all, that begins to shatter the illusion. He calls Jiang Cheng er-jiu, and it’s… not right. But whatever, he can disregard that for Jin Ling’s smile and safety. “Er-jiu is the strongest! Er-jiu will keep me safe forever!”

He checks in with Jiang Yanli, and he asks if she’s happy. He notes her patience with him whenever he does this, check in. She used to be exasperated, just a little, with him. It was always his cue to stop, but it just… isn’t here. When he asks if her husband treats her well, she doesn’t get defensive of him. “Yes, he does, A-Cheng.” He’s a little confused, and he asks why she isn’t defending him. It’s nice not to fight with family, but it’s weird. She laughs and says that he’s always loved her, and she knows that he doesn’t hate A-Xuan anymore. Jiang Cheng says that he’ll start up again if any harm comes to her, and she looks him, dead in the eye with a reassurance that’s almost… chilling in its certainty, and says “Oh, A-Cheng. I’ll never be hurt again.”

That’s when he runs into his mother. He thinks she’ll give him the dose of reality that he needs to be strong for his sister’s family, which is acting Very Weird. He doesn’t get it. Instead, it’s honeyed words of praise. Obviously A-Li feels safer around him. He’s done a great job keeping this family safe. Zidian sits on her finger, and it doesn’t crackle or betray anything but warmth. His father runs into them, first presses a kiss into his wife’s hair, which she accepts with a smile, and asks what’s wrong. Jiang Cheng is uncertain about exposing his fears, for what feels like the first time, but he spills the offness. Jiang Fengmian reflects Jiang Cheng’s concerns in his own words, and Jiang Cheng is happy, again, that he’s being heard. His father’s advice is to make sure that the sect is running well since Jiang Cheng likes to fix problems, and there are always at least a few small fires to put out around Sect related business. Makes a casual line of Jiang Cheng putting out every fire in Lotus Pier, and the thought of fire plus Lotus Pier erases any sense of ease Jiang Cheng might have had.

Still, he’s a filial son, so he thanks his parents and goes to the office. He has vague memories of Jiang Fengmian showing him around, giving him an organization system, and helping him get started. He’s always grateful for the guidance, even if the system is slightly different under his rule. He just found some ways that worked better, and every difference noted has been warmly received, understood, and supported by his father.

Wei Wuxian is already there, napping. The first bit of normalcy sets his heart at ease, and Jiang Cheng complains loudly about second-in-commands who don’t do any work. Wei Wuxian wakes and whines about that, and they’re soon in a wrestling match. Wei Wuxian gets him in a headlock easily, and Jiang Cheng’s heart eases. Something about having his brother here is like a balm on his troubled soul.

The two of them then get to work, bickering back and forth and sharing ideas. Some of Wei Wuxian’s ideas are good, and he praises some of Jiang Cheng’s ideas in turn.

But no matter how at ease he feels… there’s something… off.

He knows that he managed to convince mother and father to give Wei Wuxian purple robes years ago. Under his own leadership, he’s simply rewarding good representation of the Sect.

“You’ll shame our sect!”

Undying loyalty.

“I never asked for this!” “You’d choose the—over us?”

Striking genius.

“You idiot!”

Fierce protection.

“You killed—!”

Wei Wuxian waves his hand in front of Jiang Cheng’s face, and Jiang Cheng even though he’s normally the person to let sleeping dogs lie…

“Wei Wuxian, are you happy here?”

The question catches Wei Wuxian off-guard, but he goes on to say that he is. When pressed why, he talks about all of Jiang Cheng’s fondest memories. Stealing lotus pods, shooting kites, the festivals, the spicy food, the family.

This should be reassuring, but it’s not. Jiang Cheng gets a feeling of wrong, wrong, wrong the more Wei Wuxian talks. Finally, he snaps, and he expects a fight.

When the fight goes out of Wei Wuxian’s sails, when he just lets Jiang Cheng say what he wants, Jiang Cheng runs cold.

Wei Wuxian would never let him win like that. Not if he wasn’t hurting.

Other things fall into place, or they try to. Jiang Cheng, stubborn and selfish creature that he is, tries to deny it. Tries, tries, tries, tries.

It comes full circle to Jin Ling again.

Jiang Cheng asks when the heir of the Jin Sect has to go back to Carp Tower. Jin Ling looks at him with wide, innocent eyes, and says “never. Jin Ling gets to stay with Er-jiu.”

What about friends? Responsibility?

Jin Ling shakes his head. “No. Just family. Just A-Niang and er-jiu and dai-jiu and—”

Denial, when attacked so acutely, is such a flimsy thing.

It’s not real. None of it is. Jin Ling is a Sect Leader whose sole purpose in the past two years has been to keep Jiang Cheng out of Jin Sect business. It’s only proper, and it’s the way the world works. Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan are dead. Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian, both of whom never showed the level of empathy and understanding that he desperately wanted, are dead. Wei Wuxian left, happier elsewhere, and will not return.

Jiang Cheng can only watch as the paradise he’s been a part of for…days? Weeks? Fractures around him. It fractures, fissures, cracks against his will.

He wakes.

He’s in the Jiang Sect medical wing, alone. Again, Jin Ling has his own sect to run, the rest of his blood family is dead, and Wei Wuxian is gone. There is no one to be happy he exists now.

His wounds have been reopened. The emotional wounds that have never truly healed are open and bleeding afresh. His dissatisfaction comes back to him, and his hurt does in droves. He can only scream.

When the head healer comes back for her hourly check in, it’s to find the body of their Sect Leader, blood coming from every opening in his face. It’s a qi deviation.

There are some who could survive having such happiness taken from them without any support. There are even some who could survive it in the face of attack. What makes those people special are people like Jiang Cheng.

The ones who, when faced with a future filled with reminders of how unnecessary, unneeded, unwanted they are, cannot.

#MDZS #Jiang Cheng #Jin Ling #Jiang Yanli #Yu Zixuan #Jiang Fengmian #Wei Wuxian #AmyNChanstories #comfort/hurt/no comfort

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 2 years

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Reading on your thoughts of an otome version of TWST, to be honest, I agree and I’m making a romantic fangame of TWST.

That being said, I went through like four different drafts before I settled on one that I like which is:

It’s just a dream!

A dream where everyone plays what they were inspired by in the fairytale. And when the player character wakes up, their just friends with the boys.

Otomes and romance visual novels where the love interest(s) has heavy trauma, I can never finish it. An example is Obey Me, not only does it heats up my phone, it just doesn’t sit right with me that *Spoilers*

the Mc just forgive(?) Belphagor for killing them and that he only stopped trying to kill them because they are descendant of their sister????

It’s why for my self-insert on my Obey Me blog that Obey Me!Mieka puts the brothers at a distance even as they spent time together and is only really close to the angels and Solomon. Sorry for the slight rant about Obey Me.

Oh, and the TWST boys are in their teenage years so puberty, hormones, and attending an single gendered boarding school goes not go well together at all. Drama is happening left and right, on large and small scales.

[Referencing this post!]

***CONTENT WARNING: I have put some of my response below a cut, as I will go on to briefly discuss self-harm and suicide.***

Oooh, how exciting ^^ Best of luck, and I hope that you’re having fun with the process of making it! Creating a game takes a lot of time, energy, and resources, so be sure to take proper breaks to avoid burnout.

Yeah, I think that the idea of a TWST dating sim (I’m going to avoid using the term “otome” moving forward, as that can be alienating for those that don’t identify as part of the “maiden” demographic that those games try to appeal to) could work as an “it was all just a dream” kind of thing. As I said in my original post, the main problems with “translating” TWST to a different genre is that a lot of what makes up the core and the identity of TWST (the realism of the relationships, the emphasis on friends and personal/individual character growth, and addressing darker subject matters and traumas, etc.) fundamentally clashes with the usual trappings of dating sims. In the circumstances of a dream, it’d be very possible to explore romance while softening the details of the original without necessarily erasing or overwriting the original events and characters of TWST. It’d also work really well with the “Wonderland” aspect of Twisted Wonderland--you, the player, are the “Alice” that has fallen into their “dream world”... but you’ll eventually have to wake up from that dream, just as Alice did.

I definitely think that involving heavy trauma in dating sims isn’t appealing for everyone 💦 I think part of the draw of a TWST dating sim is that people are looking forward to “bettering” the boys with their presence and helping them with their problems, but that in of itself is a double-edged sword. If it isn’t done well, it can end up sending the wrong message to the people playing and make them feel uncomfortable, like in the example you gave. Once, I played a dating sim which (in the “true” ending) the protagonist stabs themselves in order to show their suicidal love interest that if he were to take his own life, it would also harm the ones he loves (with the stabbing being the protagonist’s literal demonstration of them “hurting” from their love interest’s actions). That somehow convinces the love interest to not attempt to unalive himself again????????? And then they live happily ever after, recovering in the hospital together???????? That does NOT sit well with me. It unintentionally sends the message that it’s “okay” to harm yourself for love, and that it’s “okay” to hold your own wellbeing hostage to prevent someone else from hurting themselves (which IS guilt tripping). It can read as incredibly insensitive to those who are going through similar situations in real life, and it oversimplifies the very complex matter of managing one’s mental health. I worry that a heavy focus on the protagonist “fixing” the TWST boys can easily lean into misunderstanding their issues and oversimplifying the solutions, such as in the example I gave.

I think that inexperience and immaturity come with dating for both teenagers and adults. Age doesn’t always necessarily correlate with experience and maturity in relationships (though it’s certainly more chaotic when you factor in teenage hormones and people just trying to figure out who they are and what they want to do). I’m not going to speak on the subject of all boys boarding schools and how that could factor into this, because I don’t want to make sweeping assumptions without any knowledge on them. Suffice to say, I think the TWST boys would still be varying degrees of messes when it comes to romance 🤣 (as we’ve seen in Ghost Marriage). That’s very much what a ‘real’ relationship is! Not being perfect, but learning to address issues and to compromise with your S/O--an interpretation which I think fits the spirit of what the original TWST is: a world with magic and wacky shenanigans rooted in realism.

#twst x reader #twst #twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #tw // self harm #tw // suicide #notes from the writing raven #spoilers

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casualreginaspectator · 1 year

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I'm sitting behind the younger brother of the friend of the show in a church building right now. it threw me for a loop, at first, because the hair is almost the same. he's wearing his jacket, the dark brown one I've always liked. I've spoken to this brother once before, at a school function, and realized all at once it was his brother. I laughed, confirmed the fact with him, to which he asked if I was his friend.

"oh no," I said. "no your brother hates me. fucking hates my guts, really."

"what's your name?"

I told him, and he ran off.

He has no idea, this brother. has no idea how deeply I love his elder. has not a clue of our friendship. our strange little more-than-friendship. has no clue that the same fire that fueled that hate between us fueled everything else. that I've held him in my arms, wearing that same jacket.

we are both watching the same choir. this church is so strange, stranger to me now. no one claps after a song. we all perpetually sit in silence, the spaces between nearly deafening, save be a babies cry or the squeak of someone's boots against the polished yellow floor.

up in the choir sits my father. it's him I'm here to see, next to my own brother. beside my father in the stands is the country boy I liked so much, years ago. it's so strange to think that it was that same choir, this same concert, where everything got so complicated. I didn't notice it then, but my mother told me afterwards he had puppy-dog eyes on me the whole time. difficult, considering I invited my biblical David, the boy who would hurt me, to watch. the country boy, he told me a week later he was in love with me, that all he wanted was to make me happy.

"I don't think you can do that," I said. and so I ran after the other.

the friend of the show was likely in that audience too, watching. he was always watching. but this year he's gone, replaced by a younger, scrawnier version of himself, swimming in his jacket.

my brother's ex lover is in this choir, too.

it's a Christmas concert, for Christmastime. I stopped writing an essay to come here, despite the little I wanted to. my essay discusses the harm induced by high demand evangelical Christian denominations on sexual health, education, and safety. Ironic.

I do like Christmas. I like giving presents, too.

to the country boy, I gifted a scarf.

to David, an art-supplies sleeve.

to the friend of the show, warm socks he can wear under his dress pants.

to the boy now, the firstsecondthird, origami paper, and a star wars Lego set.

the boy now is drunk. very drunk. and I am at church, for my father. I put on lipstick.

the last time I was at church was only a few weeks ago -- before that, nearly a year -- to watch the friend of the show give a farewell talk. his speech was good, of course. he's terribly charismatic, a brilliant speaker. he had a dream once where we teamed up, he giving inspirational speeches and I writing concepts and outlines for him, helping his image. it was a nice idea, that teamwork. but this speech was all his own. I had to sit through the whole session, which made me terribly anxious. the building made me anxious. too many people talked to me, told me they were so happy I was there. I wanted to tear my nails through the backs of the seats. I wanted to scream. I tried to sing along, too, to the hymns. but I was too anxious to make a breath that sustained those tunes. too anxious to make any sort of pleasant sound. I was so angry, the whole day afterwards, locked myself in my room, yelled at people, slammed doors.

it's not so bad now. but I'm still angry. angry at this lipstick.

there are so many people in this room who I know, who I know have done things this church doesn't believe in, who believe contrary things.

that country boy got up to sing with his sister just now. his voice is so beautiful, and deep, and rich. he believes this church so soundly. I never even kissed him.

he still has that scarf.

I couldn't clap when he was finished.

#journal #thoughts #writing #women writers #female writer #female writers #writer things #writers and poets #non fiction

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haggishlyhagging · 3 months

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What is something that could improve intergenerational cooperation?

Alyssa: Recently I participated in a feminist video contest on the theme of the Women's Liberation Movement. We looked at feminist archives with interviews, pictures from protests, songs, and political posters. This was incredibly inspiring, and it can enable young feminists to realize that we are a part of something bigger than just our present condition. It has the potential of creating sisterhood between generations. I think that we should also create more spaces where we can meet, debate and learn from one another. I am always so moved by the emotion of older feminists when we meet in conferences, when they come to me to say that I am part of the new generation, as if they were passing me a torch. This realization is so important: we are not alone, we do not need to reinvent the wheel because we have inherited the thoughts, the words, the analysis, the defeats and the victories of our older sisters.

Natasha: The first thing that comes to mind is being able to dialogue better in between generations. When we talk about intergenerational problems, I feel like it comes from poor communication with each other. We are all at different stages of womanhood and a lot of what differentiates generations tends to get lost in translation. Empathic communication is needed to bring both ends to a constructive solution.

Adriana: I agree with Natasha that a lot of empathy is needed in both directions. A lot of people say that conflict within the feminist movement is a generational issue - but it's not - it's an ideological issue. I don't agree with some younger feminists when they define themselves in opposition to older feminists. Where would we be without the persecuted women who dared to resist? The blame is being put on older women, which misrepresents the structural forces of male culture. But at the same time, on a practical level, I wish that older women wouldn't expect so much of younger women. I used to flip burgers to be able to survive and militate in feminist organizations. I realize that there is virtually no money to pay young women to do feminist activism, but please don't expect me to be energetic because one day I will have a breakdown. It is no coincidence that most feminists are tired as hell, and many have mental health issues.

Bec: Yeah, there seems to be this dual necessity for empathy. On the one hand, older women, expecting a lot from the younger generation, but on the other hand young women today define themselves in opposition to older women and believe that they are going to correct the failures of history, which creates this artificial divide between generations. That really serves patriarchal methods. Women have rebelled and resisted since the beginning, and the idea that there were no women, or that only certain women are selectively recovered to fit a contemporary narrative, is very harmful.

Adriana: But this is something that is done on purpose. Gendered marketing instils this message into young women who are scared to grow up, scared to accept the effects of time on their bodies. They look at older women and think "I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be old." This also relates to trans activism, in the way that we are prevented from naming our mothers. They want to cut any ties that we have with previous generations so there's no continuum. I think we should be giving intergenerational dialogue a lot more thought because our livelihood depends on it.

Bec: As you say it's intentional in the way that each new generation of women must relearn lessons from the movement. There's no continuation of learning, and so every time the movement must re-energize and start from scratch, rather than building from previous efforts. This is very intentional.

Yagmur: It's interesting what you say about the fear of getting old. I often use the analogy of Little Red Riding Hood to explain what is going on: the wolf, who is disguised as a woman, eats the grandmother first. He doesn't just eat the little girl straight away. He makes sure that the old woman, the wise woman, is attacked first, to make sure that there will be no retaliation against him. It's really dangerous for men if we get close to that knowledge and wisdom which older women have cultivated.

-Wonders, Bec (Interviewer), “Oil and Water: Young Migrant Women and the Promises of Liberal Feminism” in Spinning And Weaving: Radical Feminism for the 21st Century

#bec wonders #intergenerational feminism #female oppression #patriarchy #divide and conquer #ageism #internalized misogyny #feminist activism

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dzpenumbra · 10 months

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7/6/23

Well whatta ya know, it's 5 AM again. Today was fucking weird.

I woke up like 3 times, but ended up getting a cumulative 8 hours... but still felt exhausted all day. Yoga was fine but my workout was really intense and I ended up almost hitting a wall where my muscles just couldn't push anymore due to weakness. That wasn't fun. But I got through it.

I was incredibly inspired yesterday, and today... fell flat. I got a lot of cleaning done, which I was totally into for some reason. But I tried to stream and work and I was just... falling asleep the whole time. And I couldn't figure out what to do, and I had been going for 2 hours... and no one was watching anyway... so I just ended the stream and played Hades. It's not the end of the world. I just... I guess it's just exhaustion? I don't know. I just feel really deflated. Which is so far from where I was yesterday.

Guess I'm just having an off-day.

I ordered stuff to make my own granola and trail mix, so I should have plenty of breakfast and snacks on hand. The catch is... I'm completely out until that gets here between 5-7 tomorrow. I guess that's not the worst thing anyway, it's not like I eat before then anyhow.

Such a weird schedule I'm on. I haven't been finishing my coffee until like 8:30 PM. I don't know how to fix it at this point. Not sure if I even need to. Very disorienting.

Ugh, I'm feeling very sluggish.

I found something this morning that really upset me. It was a big mark on my window where I think a mourning dove hit. There was bird shit splattered on the window and a little down feather on it, and a wing mark. I really hope it was okay, I've been feeling really really guilty all day. And I have no idea how to clean it. I'm on the second floor and if I open my window... it kinda just slides in and overlaps the other window? If that makes sense? And I can't really reach far enough to clean it. I tried and got some of it with my spray bottle, but yeah. I'm having second thoughts about the birdfeeder. It's only the doves that are... not the most agile in the world... I haven't had any problems at all with the Nuthatches or Cardinals or Blue Jays or Finches or Chickadees. But the doves were very clumsy and started showing up in groups of 4 or 5 toward the end there. So I just... didn't refill the feeder yet. And I'm going to sorta sit and think on that. Whether it's worth birds putting their lives in danger just so I can be closer to nature.

It brings up that concept of ahimsa again, "not harming". It's an obsession for me, at a Tartarus-like level. I am constantly obsessing about how my actions could harm others - physically, emotionally, psychologically - and I justify it under the guise of "mindfulness". But, ironically, this obsession is a form of self-flagellation, self-punishment... for things I haven't even done... which is... wait for it... self-harm. Man, what a guiltless life it must be to not give half a shit if you hurt other living beings in any way. I don't really know how to process reflecting on how I have harmed others. Or how to feel about the harm that comes to others by their own actions, but my actions played a role in that situation coming to pass? If that makes sense? Like... the bird. It's a sorta silly example to some, I'm sure, but go with me. If I hadn't refilled the birdfeeder, they wouldn't have gotten in the habit of coming to my window, and it wouldn't have smacked the window at some point and hurt itself. If I had noticed that they were congregating a bit too often (which I did notice), and removed the birdseed... that bird might not have come back. That's two possible alternate timelines in which that bird might have not hit the window, because of my decisions. Now... the fact that I did not make those decisions, does that mean that I directly caused that bird harm? That I essentially trained that bird to develop a dangerous habit? Or... did that bird make a dangerous decision on its own and harm itself? Where is that line?

Defining the lines on this is very hard. It's like rocket fuel for anxiety. What if? What if? What if? "If I go for a walk and pass by someone and my presence (my tattoos, the way I'm dressed, I don't know) makes someone uncomfortable, does that mean I have caused them emotional harm or does that mean that they are suffering from their own judgement?" "If I am in a conflict with someone who I want to preserve a relationship with, and they start accusing me of causing harm to them by doing something I am not doing... do I defend myself, and possibly cause more harm?" Infinite situations, infinite questions.

You'd think... that just having good, pure, pacifistic intentions would be enough. You'd think that just devoting your life to doing your very best to just breathe in self-love and breath out love for others, and cultivating the best Self you can muster that day would be enough. It seems miles beyond the goals of most people I've met in my life, who only really seem concerned with "winning" or making money or acquiring some material goal or just surviving through the day. But what do you do when your love... is misinterpreted?

A memory came to me. From a mushroom trip. I'm still in this weird place where... when you get older, your distant memories... they can get blurry sometimes. Like... you can be unsure if that's the exact memory or if it kinda blended together with a movie you saw around that time? If that makes sense? Add in hallucinogens and it really ups the ante, I'll tell you that.

This memory was a mushroom trip in a small rural village in the woods. We were in a country house that my friends were renting, and we prepared a pizza and put shrooms on it and I ended up eating the equivalent of 1/4 ounce. I'm pretty sure it was winter, or at least late fall. We went upstairs, it was incredibly dark... man, I can actually see the interior of this house, the dark wooden floors and bannisters, the sorta stucco popcorn ceiling stuff. I can see the actual layout of the house, it's crazy how vivid that memory is. We all went upstairs, but apparently someone turned the heater on, which was like... an actual furnace with fire in it in the basement. When we were upstairs, we played music. I remember it being spectacular. And I remember we played a cover of "No Rain" at one point. And we talked and shit, we were all sitting on a mattress on the floor in the room, I guess it was someone's bedroom. And they all left at some point, and I was up there alone after. And... I don't know if it was on in the background the whole time... but the movie Bruce Almighty was on. And I've experienced this twice now while on mushrooms... where if I'm watching a movie, one of the characters breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to me. And in my perception of the film, the rest of the movie is a blur, it's like... black and white and filler content... and then the scenes with the specific character are full-color and talking directly to me. And in this case, it was Morgan Freeman. And that really got in my head a bit, mostly because this had happened in the past... and I was alone experiencing this. And I have an anxiety disorder... (aka I get scared by surreal shit pretty intensely, and it's a very visceral emotional response) So... either the movie ended or I turned it off, I don't really remember which... but I was left in a dark room. I don't think it was completely dark, maybe there was static or a blue screen from the DVD player or something. And the ceiling was doing that fractal melty swirl visual thing, I remember that vividly. And then came the part that I'm afraid might be an overlapping memory of a film because of how... outlandish yet profound the experience was. I encountered... something. This is so hard to put into words... not the actual image of what I experienced, but how I perceived it. I don't feel like I perceived this as an actual manifestation standing directly in front of me, like I could reach out and touch it... but like... kinda like a shadow out of the corner of your eye... but in front of me. Or seeing something in your mind's eye... kinda? I don't know, I'm struggling to explain. But it was... like a giant mass of eyes. And I remember it unfurling a gigantic scroll of aged parchment and... at no point did it speak, it sorta... I just sorta knew what it was doing. It was reading me a list of all of my sins, all of the wrongs I had done. And I reeled, and I cowered like a child, and I curled into the fetal position on the mattress in the corner of the room until someone came up and found me. Apparently, they all went outside or something and it was like 200 degrees upstairs, because they left the heater on blast and all the heat went upstairs. I was fine after all this, there were some normal mushroom antics after that, but nothing nearly as profound as that experience.

That experience stuck with me for over 15 years. It changed a lot of my understanding of myself. Regardless of whether what I experienced was a projection of my imagination, or my subconscious, or an experience with an actual entity... it really doesn't matter to me. Because my big takeaway from that... is the classic spirit journey. The right of passage. The original purpose that tribal cultures used these mushrooms for, ceremonially. That was supposed to be a moment where I "became a man". Spiritually. Where I looked at my demon, my Achilles' Heel, my deepest fear and greatest weakness... and I did not back down. I shared the room with it, and met it as a peer. That is what a guide would most likely have aided with, or helped me translate from my experience after the fact. I thought for over a decade that I was face-to-face with Judgement. The eyes, the list... but... ever since studying Tarot... I really feel like the archetype that fits closest to that is Justice. True Justice, whatever spiritual language you want to translate that into. An aspect of God? Maybe an angel? Karma? Causality? I don't know. I've never really had a language for stuff like that since I grew up without any form of religion.

But I functioned for a long time on the assumption that Judgement was keeping score, and letting me know that nothing is forgotten. Which we could get pretty deep on how that's a pretty clear metaphor for my family and my upbringing... But more than that... the interesting part is that... I never interpreted that being as... a deliverer of Justice. More just... informing me so that I can go ahead and punish myself with guilt and shame. And hell, maybe that's part of the Justice, yeah? Or maybe it's indicative of a completely separate problem.

Why am I rambling about this when I should be in bed? This is a big core of my anxiety. Fear of Judgement, fear of false Justice. That despite my best efforts to be a truly good and kind and loving and honest person, someone's going to come along and put a fucking gun to my temple because they don't like the way I look. Or I accidentally made eye contact or walked down the wrong street. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration... but the feeling is of the same root.

And that... that makes this whole "non-harm" thing really messy and confusing. Because the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. So... do you get bad Karma if you have the world's best intentions and are pure of heart... but trip and accidentally hurt someone? I mean, it's technically causing harm...

I don't know, it's been in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to shake it. Food for thought. No tarot tonight again, until I can get my sleep sorted out... eventually.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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1800duckhotline · 1 year

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hi i was wondering if u cld tell us a little abt tisha ?

ah yes absolutely! although be warned there isnt like a lot of DEEP lore about him :-) i have snippets here and there of what will become eventually a more properly founded story.

his main setting as i imagine is the mid-late 90s in contemporary times. he was born in russia (for now not sure where exactly but canonically he also wouldnt know where he is from) and ever since a young age he'd developed a temperament geared towards violence - though not in the sense that he enjoyed it, but rather that it came easy for him to do especially in situations of self defense, mostly against strangers, but i imagined the familial situation also contributed to him developing that 'fight' response to most things that are dangerous. tl;dr he's good at hurting people but he doesn't like it. he just knows how to do it properly.

the family history is muddled 2 me for now, but what i know is that he had an older brother, ilya (still alive in current times where tisha is an adult) and they used to be close. tisha = carrion crow, ilya = magpie.

the big main thing is that due to unfortunate circumstances tisha's "skill" with harming others was amped up once he got involved with some shady folks. again here it's all very muddled, i haven't got a clear idea. but, he's 13 at this age, he's basically being shaped into becoming an assassin for hire. at this age he also starts doing drugs.

some accident happens here where ultimately tisha leaves his home and ilya behind, and i imagined it to be some kind of event where ilya is forced to help tisha hide some bodies - sloppy work for a sloppy newbie at this sort of stuff, but they both get scarred from it nonetheless. in different ways.

that said from then on Tisha grows to be... Tisha. the drugs and repeated exposure to criminal life and activities completely obliterated his memory btw, and as you might guess Tikhon (Tisha is the diminutive form of his name) Igorevich isn't his actual first and last name. He initially used this as an alias when joining in in an attempt to "shield" his family, but with time he genuinely forgot his real name, his family, and so on. personality wise he honestly hardly ever changes? he is a quiet individual who doesn't enjoy making a show of himself, but he gets the job done and doesn't like dilly-dallying more than he needs to. he has self-awareness about him and his situation, he knows most people think he's pathetic and lowly, and he like. genuinely doesn't give a fuck. he isn't proud of it but he has too much shit going on to care about it in a way that changes his life forever.

anyway i think after a good chunk of years he eventually quits working for this 'group' and the transition isn't smooth (which he expected) but he maintains his reputation as an affable and well-adjusted hitman who is available for hire for whoever's willing to pay the most. enters some kind of assassin union which is mostly me putting together my hitman and assassin ocs together bc they'd probably all know each other.

this situation allows him to travel outside of russia, and his situation also allows him to like, bring with him kuobakhaya, who has been present the whole time btw - but since the ask was about him i didn't elaborate on her much. all you need to know for now is that they've been friends since they were children and bonded over feeling like outcasts, so as adults tisha would help her move somewhere else where she can start a better life while he helps her with expenses of various kinds. they are like brother and sister ^__^ he would literally kill to make sure she stays safe and sound and the feeling is likewise. with his help she moves to brighton, UK which is where he also has his "main HQ" when not traveling

but ummm there's not much else to Add, it's a pretty simplistic edgy story i know i know but i was inspired a lot by The Crow for his design, as well as some edgeboylords from 90s comics.

his weapons of choice are mostly tourniquets (to strangle quietly) and silenced guns.

loves crows. literally attracts crows constantly. they LOVE him. he is a literal scarecrow man. they love him and it is mutual

his style and fashion is strictly 80s/90s trad goth. the pierrot eye markings are tattoos.

#tisha igorevich #oc rambles #asks #long post #WOW SORRY...#ITS A LOT even though there isnt much to say lol #hope this enlightens some minds!!

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iceprincessviviane · 3 years

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Eyes in the darkness

Paring: Yandere!C!Technoblade x BookwormEnchanter!Female!Reader

Type: Romantic (Technoblade is yandere). Trilogy - part one. Next part.

Warnings: swearing, possessivness, yandere, angst, injury, sugestive content, threats, blood, silly jokes created by me.

Summary: Technoblade was watching Y/N for some time, trying to stay in the shadows. Unfortunately voices and thoughts won against the logic and he want her now on his side forever.

Author's note: Inspiration from a lot of things, but especially: Hades and Persephone, Beauty and the Beast. This used to be oneshot, but I changed my mind, ut will be trilogy. English isn't my first language, so sorry for any mistakes.

Words in red colour are Technoblade's voices.

Words in blue colour are Y/N thoughts.

Y/N didn’t know when was the last time she ran for her life. Probably during one of the pillagers attack on the village or maybe in the Nether. But none of them was that type. Now she was being chased by something way much more dangerous than besties. At the moment, she’s being followed by the Blood God himself. Despite the aching and pain of her muscles and her throat feeling dry from gasping for air, Y/N was still asking herself how did on earth this happen?

~*~

Y/N always loved books and reading, she came to Smp two weeks after Foolish arrival. Actually her friendship with him leaded her here. They exchanged the letters and she was interested in staying somewhere for a while. After some time, she decided to come. Her divine friend already started to build his summer home and had few buildings done. She stayed there for few couple of days, they decided to build something for herself. She already have met most of Smp members including Dream Team, Bench Trio and rest, but owning home, place for stay was good idea. Sometimes Y/N liked to be alone. Eret allowed her to build something behind his castle, it was always nice to have someone close.

It took time before she ended house, it was cozy one with big field in front, farms, cellars and most important - library with enchanting place. It was huge, biggest part of the house with plenty of regals and reading spots. Y/N loved to spend there time and collectin more books or texts. Foolish had a lot of ancient scrolls or manuscripts and liked to share them with her. They could spend hours discussing about their favourite ones.

Books caused that Y/N met Phil, because he was the second person on the Smp, which had great collection from centauries. Shark god took her at trip to Tundra. Y/N was excited to meet such person and nervous too. Happily, everything went all right, Technoblade wasn't that time in home, so they had chilling conversation. Winged man was very curious about her skills and enchants. Of course during his travells and lifespan he met enchanters, but didn't paid much attention to them. Now, he could meet one in chill ocassion. Their three had a lot of talking, giggling and being wholesome. Phil promised to borrow more interesting books and Y/N said, that she can give some enchantments.

When Technoblade came back he immediately felt, that Foolish was there with... someone else... someone new. It smelled like pine and old paper, very nice. Phil told him about visitors and Y/N, he ignored it a little bit, but voices... voices liked this smell a lot.

'So strange.' 'Which woman can smell like that?' 'Where is she living?'

}*{

Y/N was peaceful person with no intention to harm anybody, staying in her place. She stayed in positive relations with almost everyone, providing needed enchantments and helping caused, that a lot of members were friendly to her. Y/N liked to hanging out with Bench Trio, although they were sometimes so chaotic. Usually she went mining with Ranboo, when it was needed, cutting trees with Tommy for his buildings and staying in Snowchester with Tubbo. That is why she came with almost everyone, when Tommy and Tubbo were in Dream bunkier fighting with him. Discs were just items, but... Dream's obsession, it was dangerous and teenagers were her friends. After that a lot of things changed. Putting him into Pandora's Vault was meant to protect them, but she was getting cold shivers each time she looked at black walls of prison. Knowing that everyone could be locked there...

After Egg's influence grew stronger she tried to find some infromations about it and how could ghe possible defeat it, but that took time. Foolish and Phil were so helpful handing their ancient texts, to make research. Suddenly with crimson vines everywhere, Smp became less safer, at least she felt it that way. More members were busy with their business and stuff, they finally could do them, when Dream was locked. For example Foolish agreed to build big mansion for Tubbo and Ranboo, which got platonical marriage and Tommy started his hotel. Meeting Michael was so wholesome and funny, little zombie piglin started to like her and at each visit she read him fairy tales and stories.

Y/N decided to not think about bad sides of Smp, just being busy and tried to help, if someone needed it. Before Doomsday wandering around could be dangerous, especially for La'Manburg citizens, because Dream and Technoblade were unpleasant for them. Now she enjoyed visiting almost everyone everywhere. After a few visits, she could tell that something was wrong, Y/N couldn't tell what, but it was almost like being watched, blaming Egg and vines was her answer for that, but actually why? Why did it do that? She would never joined their side. Never ever. Sometimes she spotted the Phil's corws, but that wasn't a s surprise, birds were telling him a lot of informations around the Smp. Easy way to know almost everything.

}*{

Y/N was heading to her house, stepping at Prime Path. In opposite direction she spotted Quackity, slowly walking by from prison direction, which was surprise. She smiled softly to him and he smiled back.

"What's up?" Big Q asked when got closer to her.

"It's good I am coming back home, need to eat and get some nap, and you?"

"I... ended some buisness." His face stiffened and his look became more serious.

Y/N nodded little unsure about his changed emotions. Suddenly she spotted that his sleeve is covered in fresh blood.

"Are you hurt?" She asked worried.

Quckity looked at his shirt as surprised as she and frowned, he checked axe which hanged down from his belt.

"I guess so then, but I don't know where did that come from."

"Let me take care of this." Y/N suggested with warm smile. "My home is closer than Las Nevadas."

After a few moments he nodded in agreement. They together headed to her place. Weather started to become stormy, dark cloud covered the sun, threating to start raining.

Then went inside, but when she was closing door, feeling of being watched hit her with dubled strength. House was in the spine forest, but fenced and had a gate. In filed were some farms, trees and small garden, but everything seemed to look normal. Big Q sat on the couch in living room and Y/N brought bandages, water in bowl and even healing potion. He rose sleeve, wound wasn't long, but deep, something cut his arm, probably weapon.

"It doesn't look good, but you will be okay." She said after looking at cut.

"Good." He sighed with relief.

"What did make it? Do you have an idea?"

Big Q looked dead in her eyes and remained silence. Of course he knew what, but he didn't even noticed the wound before leaving the prison. Well, someone will pay for this.

"Maybe working at Las Nevadas, you know... I am still building there." He spoke after a while.

"Oh... ye you have right, but be careful next time." Y/N suggested and started to work on cut carefuly. Starting on cleaning, then gently bandaged it.

"Thank you." Big Q said after seeing the results.

"No problem, just don't walk around with untreated wound." Y/N giggled softly.

He stood up and moved his eyes on windows. Black clouds didn't go away, even became worse.

"I will go now, weather is getting worse, I want to be in home before storm." Big Q said with soft smile.

"Of course, see you next time."

After he left, big storm came, darkness fell upon the Smp, rain and wind were too strong, for coming outside. Y/N decieded to take a chance and nap. She baked some cookies and sit down on a couch with another book, which Phil borrowed her. Only the torches gave light, sometimes thunderbolt stroke and filled room with unatural blue light. Drops hit hardly, making loud sounds, but Y/N was too much into a book. Two hours has passed and slowly night was coming. She moved eyes to meet clock, yep that was supper time, put the book away and up, Gods thr storm didn't let go. Y/N watched for a while outside, then go to kitched. She grabbed blanket and wrapped it around her posture, damn there were cold.

Again feeling of being watched kicked in. She was alone at home, that was sure thing. Outside was deep dark and behind the windows was the wall of the water. Y/N bite her lip and shook head, it was just her imagination, a feeling which stayed for no reason after putting Dream into Pandora's Vault. She took an kettle and suddenly was seeing something in the corner of the eye, something red and unusual in the spine forest. Her figure frozen when she moved back eyes. Deep in the dark, around sprouce trees in the line of forest, Y/N spotted pair of shinning, red eyes, high above the ground. They were locked at her figure.

'This has to be spider... or something else...'

Right after this thought, ceature turned back and disappeard in the darkness, cold shiver went down at Y/N spine. What was that? And why it was here? At least she was safe in home...

}*{

'More.' 'Training is boring, let's find someone to fight.' 'We demand blood.'

Technoblade sighed and stopped, voices today were very, very loud. That was why he decided to train, but during it, they became even worse. He hid sword and walked into home. Phil wasn't here today, he had to do something, but didn't bother to tell him what it was. Blade went back to home by his old path through the forest. His training place was near the cottage, but still hidden from common people. All members of Syndicate knew where it was. First of all he need to take shower. When cold water touched his skin, he felt like even his bloodlust became less, quiet hiss left his lips. He earned some chafings this week. Next, he changed his clothes to common and made a cup of tea, then sit in the kitchen. Immediately his thoughts went to Y/N.

Somehow voices were acting diffrent around her and he even found himself acting that way. They were focused around Y/N and he was more calm, like just her pressence was comforting him. Technoblade remembered their first meeting, it was common day, when someone knocked on the door. He opened it and rose his eyebrows in surprise, outside was standing fragile woman, without any armor and only with trident on her back. They shared awkward eye contact, when suddenly she introduced herself as Y/N. Of course he saw her couple of times, but it wasn't officialy. Y/N has known who was he for sure, she swallowed hard and looked down with shyness. Phil yelled across the room, that she could come in. Ah yes... she loved to read books and his old friend was borrowing her them a lot. Technoblade again felt the spine and old papers smell, for him, it could stay here forever. After short visit, Y/N took books, gave back book of enchantment and left.

Techno's curiosity has increased, when he heard about her more. She was peaceful, friendly soul, completly opposite of him, maybe that was, why he felt so... diffrent around her and voices too. Piglin hybrid enjoyed watching her from the distance, in the shadows, but lately... lately it wasn't enough. Now he wanted to breathe at Y/N scent, holding her close and pressed soft kisses at forehead. He was under voices pressure so long and now his salvation was so close. But what would he make it? As longer he has thought of that, a diffrent ideas came to his head. She was delicate creature, he had to get plan at all. Techno knew almost everything about her: hobbies, traditions, friends and fighting skills. Phil told him a lot about enchanters, they could make enchanting books after years of studying and had magic talent sometimes. As they knew, Y/N could enchant books at any spell, so she had to studied a lot. Technoblade sighed and grabbed his cloak, time to keep an eye on few things.

'Let's not go quietly!' 'Let's go quiet as grave...' 'Blood for the Blood God!'

}*{

That was busy week, Y/N could only one time saw Foolish and Phil, but whole Smp seemed a little bit diffrent... luckily she was able to go on mining trip with Ranboo and Eret visited her with a couple of books, which were about Smp. Now was afternoon and sun slowly started to set, she was heading to her house, where waited for her snow fox, which she found in Snowchester. Cute, little ball of fur stole Y/N heart immediately. When she finally stepped inside, Snowflake - that how she named it, ran into her squeaking high.

"What happend my little one?" She knelt down and pet it's head.

Fox looked at her with big brown eyes and squeaked once more, then jump into her arms.

"Oh oh oh... are you afraid of something?" Y/N hugged Snowflake and looked around. Everything in home seemed normal, door was closed, in a field same, animals were quite nervous, but everything was good. She frowned and stepped inside, then put fox into basket with small blanket.

"I will bring you some berries, you will like it for sure." Y/N smiled gently.

Unfortunately, she didn't have any at this moment in home, Snowflake was there only for three days, so she couldn't make berries farm so fast, because she had to set up a space. Luckily, she lived around coniferous forest, so didn't even hesiatate, Y/N just grabbed backpack and went outside. Sun was lower in the sky, but still it was warm and brightly. Birds were humming quietly and around was quite quiet. Berries bush weren't so far, she founed some, but in order to make supplies, decided to find more, then plant them around the house. It would spared the time and work.

"Y/N." She heard deep, lazy voice and immediately turned at it's direction.

The Blade was standing under big sprouce tree with satisfied grinn on his lips. Eyes locked on Y/N figure, which completly froze at the sight of him. She have never been with him alone, in tundra always Phil or Ranboo were around, now it felt... strange and risky, she still remembered what happend to La'Manburg citizens.

"Technoblade." Y/N spoke softly, being careful to not crack her voice, despite building feeling of fear. She noticed, that piglin hybrid under his royal, crimson cloak was wearing armor, probably not his best one, but still enough to win fight. Part of hair made into bun, rest were freely in his back and shoulders. From his belt was hanging netherite sword and netherite axe was sticking out from behind. She spotted, that his weapons were a little covered in blood, same as his sleeves and parts of shirt. He was killing monsters right? Or just hunting? Uncomfortable, awkward silence reminded between them, only forest noises distrubed it from time to time.

Voices were too loud today, too agressive, too greedy, killing monsters and pillagers wasn't enough, Quackity has already tasted his steel, well he deserved that after showing up in Y/N home. He had so much fun with him, but after that he needed some rest, comfort and calm. That is why without even thinking too much Technoblade went straight to Y/N house. He hoped, that everything will change, that he finally will has some break from voices, violence and killing. Of course he liked his way to be... but yes sometimes, you have to make a nap.

"Are you wounded?" Y/N asked quietly breaking the silence. After all, if he needed help, she would help him, without hesitation.

Technoblade's grinn became more sinister, he put hand on sword hilt and slowly tilted his head on right side.

"This isn't my blood." He said without caring at all.

"Oh, that's good then..." Y/N whispered, but he could hear that.

Piglin hybrid studied her posture, she had only trident at her back, backpack in left hand, no armor, no more weapons. Poor little girl, that's not how you are going outside your home, she was literally unarmed in his eyes.

"So... what are you doing here? Alone? In the forest?" Technoblade asked and moved closer to her.

The way he spoke these words, made Y/N shiver inside, outside, she grabbed her backpack harder. Surely there was nothing to worry about, she has never done something wrong to him or Philza, she wasn't dangerous or wanted to has any power. Techno is probably just passing by. Suddenly he was so close, now she could for real see the height diffrence, for the gods sake, her head reached around his breastbone. Y/N looked up only to meet piglin hybrid's burning gaze.

"I... I was collecting berries for my snow fox. Something scared her, so I thought that she will calm down after getting some and I ran out of them..." she suttered and swallow hard.

"How sweet." Technoblade commented and his smile widened.

"So... you are just passing by?"

"Not really."

Sudden grip on her chin caught Y/N off guard. Technoblade forced her to look straight into his eyes. His face stiffened a little bit, she hissed quietly, when claws touched harder gentle skin. Then she realised... Blade's eyes were red and she heard, that it could glow in darkness. Her skin became pale and pupils widened. It was him, that time during a storm, he was watching her...

"What are you doing?" Y/N asked quietly, without any clue, what was going on.

'She is so innocent.' 'We love her scent.' 'Let her know.'

"I have something to tell you." He leaned and immediately her scent hit him harder, resisting to take deep breath wasn't that easy.

"What excatly?"

"I was watching you for a while Y/N. Belive me or not I found that interesting, because your pressence is calming for me, I can fall asleep while listening your voice and push away my violence behaviour, when you are around." He stroked her cheek by his thumb and smiled haughty. "I am always getting , what I want and I want that so badly, you can't even imagine."

Y/N shook head and made few steps back, leaving his grip, couldn't belive what she just heard. That's impossible.

"I don't know what to say... I can admit, that I had strange feeling of being watching but... I blamed the Egg..." She looked deep into his eyes, trying to put everything together. "What do you mean, you are always getting, what are you want? How am I suppose to understand that?"

"Listen sweetheart, we can do this in two diffrent ways: good or bad. If you choose first one, fine politely you will go with me. Second way? Well I can be very convincing, when I want to." Technoblade frowned.

None of this options was good for her. Y/N sighed and her shoulders dropped. She couldn't do anything literally...

"Come on princess. I can take care of you, I promise, you will be happy." He gave her his hand, but gripped sword hilt harder.

Y/N always avoided the conflicts and argues, never has started any, that was easier and better way to live. She could take care of her interests, powers anf friends by being supportive or neutral. Technoblade's behaviour made her shiver and feel sick, there was no guarantee that he will keep his words, even if it were sweet and promising. Y/N knew that fighting him was pointlees, he were ten thousand better than her, she didn't even have armor or second weapon. But surrender just like that? Without any resistance? She always was determinated, miss 'you can always find a way, solution'. Not a chance.

"I think I have better option, which lay in the middle." Y/N smiled gently.

"Well, tell me then." Technoblade rose his eyebrows with curiosity.

With one smooth move, she put backpack on and immediately started to run. The Blade's pupils widened, he burst out laughing.

"It will be funny."

She has known, that she needed to lose him in forest. Going to home wouldn't help, because door or gate couldn't stop Blood God. Lost him and then ran away from Smp, at least her current living location. Y/N realized that she couldn't even ask for help anyone. Probably Technoblade would come after her friends, helpers, so that was it. Y/N versus The Blade, she was on her own.

'How did she dare to run away from us?!' 'Chase her, catch her.' 'Faster, faster, faster!'

It seemed like running away from Tommy for fun, came in handy and long trips with Ranboo caused her to move fast through forest. Y/N nimbly jumped over obstacles and avoid rocks or roots. Her pace wasn't the fastes, but she could hold it for pretty long time. She wasn't thinking a lot, just tried to run away as far as she could.

'Don't look back, don't look back, it will make you slower.'

Hiding could be good idea, but not now. As long as he was close, she couldn't stop at all. Breaking through the forest was only hearing noise, soon, she heard her heavy breathing. Heading to unknown direction wasn't so wisely, but Y/N had no choice. After a few minutes, she stopped to catch breath. Around was sudden so quiet, cold shiver went down at her spine. Too quiet.

"Already tired?" Technoblade's voice surprised her from left side.

She turned head, just to see him leaning against the tree. In his right hand he held sword, didn't even look like he was running.

"You can't outrun me little one. A lot of people tried, now they are dead." He aimed sword at her. "We can end this farce here. I am not mad, honestly, you made me smile a little bit."

"You will have to catch me, if you want me going with you." Y/N said and then continue to run away.

"Oh I will princess, that's what predator does to the prey."

Y/N started to feel really tired, muscles aching, throat dry from gasping for air, hair dispelled and cheeks red. She ran for a while, but now had to stop. Technoblade immediately appeared in her field of vision. He was walking carefuly, but still looked intimidating.

"Don't come closer!" She released a cry.

Piglin hybrid stopped about eight meters away. He leaned sword against the ground and looked at her with curious gaze.

'Here she is, our reward.' 'Let's finally take her with us.' 'We like that sound.'

"I think, I just caught you." A little grinn appeared on his lips.

She looked straight into his eyes. Her gaze full of fear met a calm and determination. Y/N didn't even want to think what would happend, if he fulfilled his desires. Gods sake, she was free human being, none could take her freedom, she didn't ask for this. In an act of desperation, with the last of her strength, she used her powers. Feeling of warm through fingers and energy drained from her veins, but then burning light. In Technoblade's towards direction flew literally fireball, but he was too skilled for this. He made a dodge and looked at Y/N with mix of proud and shock. She dropped to her knees, struggling to stay conscious, despite the pain at her whole body and tired mind and unclear vision. Technoblade immediately was with her, he knelt down and support her, by putting arm around her waist. Y/N leaned back against his chest, fatigue prevailed over reason.

"Enough for today princess. You run out, if you will keep resisting." He whispered calmly.

"Please, please... please I don't want this, I want to go home." Her voice was cracking, tears strimming down at her cheeks.

"Hush darling, everything will be all right."

Technoblade's body radiated warm, his tone suddenly was so calming and sleepy. She wanted to close eyes so badly, but still fear was too big.

"You are safe, nothing can hurt you I promise."

After this words Y/N gave up and lost consciousness. Sun went down and shadows became longer and darker.

}*{

Phil careful closed the doors, then walked quietly down. Technoblade sat in kitchen with cup of hot tea, he immediately looked at his old friend, his eyes were worrying.

"Y/N is good, she lost consciousness, because was too tired. You said that, she used her powers."

"It was literally fireball, but I dodge that easy."

"Well, now we know about her powers at least... interesting, what you are going to do, when she wake up?" Phil asked and sat in opposite site.

"I know, that you are not glad about this, but I will figure this out. She won't cause any troubles." Techno's voice became deeper.

Winged man sighed and looked at his friend. He knew what he was going through, when voices became louder and demanded blood, each moment of silence or when they were quiet, Technoblade cherished and tried to make it worth. Phil couldn't be angry or mad for his friend about that deed, but... he was torn.

"Come on spit it out. I can see that you want to tell something important." Piglin hybrid said slowly.

"We were through a lot of shit, we know each other for almost ages and we blew up the nation for gods sake, kidnapping isn't the worst thing you have done, but..." Phil started and looked at Techno. "I wish you best and everything good, but I don't know how will I act around. Y/N has come to me for books, we were talking about stuff, I gave her cookies and tea. How will I explain, that I am supporting your decision? And I am always on your side." Phil said aloud his worries.

"I will give her time to get used to. After certain amount of time Y/N will understand." The Blade was lost in his thoughts.

He was so greatful of his friend statement, but still a little bit unsure. This case shloudn't affect on their relationship or Phil's life. Honestly Technoblade belived that his pressence will comfort Y/N at least, as he said they were close and enjoyed each other company.

"Someone will notice her disappering. What then? And Ranboo is visiting us a lot." Phil sighed a little.

"I've got this, trust me."

"I trust you with my own life." Winged man nodded.

}*{

Sunlight kissed her skin gently, when it showed up on window. Y/N felt softness under herself and on her back. Quiet sigh left her lips, when she opened eyes. In the room was very bright, but for sure it wasn't her room. Immediately cold shiver went down at her spine. Still weak, she tried to lift herself, because she was lying on stomach. Bed was big, with good beddings and pillows.

"Don't move, you are still weak." Technoblade's voice was soft, but loud.

Y/N bite her lip and then lifted head. He was standing near the bed and observing curiously, looking completly diffrent. White, linen shirt and high waisted, leather trousers, hair braided tighly. In this version he was... more open and accessible, not so scary.

"Where am I?" She asked slowly and rolled at her back with quiet hiss. Muscles still hurt and throat was dry.

"In my house, in tundra safe and..." He cut off, while noticed that Y/N is trying to get up. "What did I say?" He stepped closer and sat on bed.

She sat unsure on mattress, just to met Technoblade here, he gripped again her chin, as in the forest and forced her to look at him. This time it was more gently.

"Darling please..."

"You can't take my freedom!"

His eyes darkened immediately and Y/N regreted her words. She swallowed hard, when Blade looked deep into her eyes.

"Of course I can and I will, if you don't behave good. If you didn't notice, you aren't chained or tied, but pretty comfy in my bed." He said slowly with threat in his voice. "Think about it."

Technoblade released her and got up. She looked down thinking about situation, yes he didn't tied her, but still it wasn't good case. Y/N just wanted to be free, do stuff which she want and meet friends. Maybe Smp wasn't perfect, but still now it was her home, there were a lot of wars or argues, but she still had house and persons which she cared about and this was mutual, now everything was unsure.

"I am just afraid... " Y/N whispered quietly.

"As I said earlier you are safe here, you are safe with me. Nothing can hurt you." Techno grabbed bowl with soup and came back. "Here, eat, you need to recover."

"Thanks." She smiled weakly to him, took bowl and started to eat slowly.

'Good girl.' 'She will behave for sure.' 'We can teach her a lesson.'

Y/N was napping for the rest of the day, Technoblade gave her one of their books, so she wasn't bored. Probably tomorrow or next day she will stand up.

The sound of closing doors, caused her to closed book and put it away. Piglin smiled gently and took off his shirt suddenly. Y/N eyes became big.

"Wait wait wait..."

"Calm down princess, I am just going to sleep, nothing else." Technoblade smirked for her panic.

"So... where shloud I move?" Y/N asked looking around the room.

"Nowhere. You are staying here with me."

Immediately her cheeks went slighty red. She looked at him curiously. His pink skin seemed gentle from the distance, a lot of scars marked his chest and arms. Some of them little, some of them large, the biggest one was through both sides of chest. Technoblade released his hair and came closer. Y/N moved to make him some space. He laid down, she followed his steps but remain distance.

"Goodnight." She said and turned back from him.

"Goodnight sweetheart."

He blow up torches near the bed and silence fell upon them. Not even a five minutes passed, when Y/N felt sudden grip on her waist. She froze, Technoblade hugged her and pressed kiss on her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Quiet whisper left her lips.

"Snuggling and cuddling." He whispered softly.

Y/N couldn't help, she giggled quietly. Techno took this as premission, her back touched his chest and second hand slowly stroked her hair.

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