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goblinconceivable · 3 years

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oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing. (I can’t be the only one who does that...) Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again. And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there. Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it. Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first. I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show. Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.) Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy. Like, WTF was that about? I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching. First couple seasons: brilliant. Downhill from there. But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together. One hot second and bam.*** Every. Time. Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least. But these two, nope. And know what? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH. I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one. And Izzie got the short stick. Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen. There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.) Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to. She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle. It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off. In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character. When did KH ask to be let out? If it was after this point, Shonda svcks. I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. Because he’s not really in a real relationship. I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful. Which is most of the time, so they gave me that. I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.” Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts. Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie. I love that he loves her the whole time. But he’s willing to step back. He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean. But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows. Izzie doesn’t make him. She entices him. Yeah, often directs him, especially at first. But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily. And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards. He reaches out to her a lot. And she turns him aside a lot. And he keeps loving. Even if romance is off the table. He runs after her a lot. Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot. Is understanding a lot. He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook. Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct. I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water. (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker. Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me. Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny. They’re all standing around. No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her. In a really caring way. And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh? (Mebbe?) And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly. And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie. I don’t think he even wants to stop. Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine. But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged. But also born. Stars uncrossed. I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was. Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because... it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be. She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside. She knows. She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually. Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her. Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him. And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her. I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it. She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him. The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync. And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s. And those two things weave into each other. Kinda like rats and the food button. When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.” So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again. And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter. And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care. She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in. But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair. There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her. She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues. But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny. Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her. The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope. Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA. Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives. And I do think female character’s side guys have a habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life.

At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman: yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying. Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love. BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted. 1) That he desperately wants a family. 2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy. Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first. And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change. But we didn’t. So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that. Something taken slowly! We got to explore it. Did feel a bit drawn out tbh. But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess. Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others. This was their development for the season. Which was mostly Alex. But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well. Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment? Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more. Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands. And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that. It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.” She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient. She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly. And she’s still in charge. She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to carry this on your own. We have it now. Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden. And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring. She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve. Stages of grief ya’ll. He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca. He’s in denial that anything is wrong. He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.) He dives into bargaining. She’ll be okay if he can take care of her. He can do it. He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression. Not just Rebecca, but about his mom. And Izzie approaches him differently. In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend. An equal. Which is what he needs right now. His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid. Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed. But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically. Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information. Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand. And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex. I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything. And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way. Bargaining again, I suppose. “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.” But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died. Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person. And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca. And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment. Of understanding. She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else. Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that. How to process that in a way that feels manly to him? Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing. And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him. He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories. But also... stages of grief. He needs to feel it, so he can accept it. He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love. Take out the romantic/sexual aspect. Take out the friendship. The trust. The family. Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love. And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care. Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho. It’s such a wonderful foil. Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see. He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.” (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He let Izzie get too close. He’s afraid. It’s all a tangle. And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards. So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5. And actually they start out close. They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her. He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial. And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.” And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either). Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact. They don’t talk about it, it’s fine. Pretending it did not happen. But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped. It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same. Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer. Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind. That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others. Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim. It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it. And he does feel super close to her. But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light. For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation. I’m a bit stuck and going in circles. If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously? Doesn’t understand him? I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak? Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t. But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person. Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff. But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman. Were those scenes meant to be inverted? Or is he going into this eyes wide open? Trying to prove something? He’s hurting her though, is it intentional? Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up. But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape. Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self? They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off. Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him. She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly. And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him. Though her barb about STD did hit him. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could? He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight. It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did. They are incredibly close. And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening. He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda. Follows her out into the hall when she leaves. The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right. And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too. “Okay, ... I”m trying to be- I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is??? Trying to not be emotionally stunted. Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation. Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand. Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her. And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her. And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts. ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.” And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.” Dad calls for son while kinda dying. I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot? And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares. With a hefty does of potential regret. It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested. His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.” He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.” Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough. But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more. And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time. And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome. *sobs* And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window? And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No. Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there? They always say yes. Eventually. And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things. It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life. In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building. He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting. And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing. I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything. But he’s also not lying. He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle. He’d stay with Jo then out of... ? Halp. The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable. Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life. It’s all happiness of them individually, not together. But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse? No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs. Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo. Also exposition. References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie. It scared him because... ? He focuses on the kids. It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her. Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight. Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins. It’s a free pass to perfection. But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever. I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie. But that’s kinda tenuous. It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for. Izzie would for Denny. In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings. So in a way she gave up her life for Alex. And never reached out to him but did respond when he did. She picked up the phone. Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones. And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids. I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle. And he’s become a man who does the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish. He one perfect thing is in Kansas. And it’s the family. It’s a family with Izzie. And his kids. It’s the whole package. If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough? Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.” But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is. He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction. He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive. Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things. She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.) Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary. And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her. He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth. Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them. He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot. Maybe it’s a Miranda thing? After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her. He doesn’t need her like that. And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate. But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to... come back for him. To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back. I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.

Interesting point “we married...” It’s a promise. He starts with “I’m sorry.” His breakup speech to her - rehearsed? He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie. So his dying speech was also fear based? He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock. To when is his mind taking him? It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup. It’s been months but that’s still recent enough. So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.” They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t. That hasn’t changed.

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her. A happy, rich and full life. He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it. Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo. Maybe it’s contentment? Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows? Meh. Back to frozen. He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life. It’s immersive but static, a snapshot. And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.

Letter to Meredith. “It’s about me.” Which is sorta back to breakup speech. It was about him, ending the relationship. He didn’t deserve to be left. And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids. There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love. So I’m torn. Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love. Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not? Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married? Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right? Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

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staggbones · 5 years

Note

hey isaac how do you do your eyes??

It’s P easy! The program I use is Paint Tool Sai and I(think) I use the default brushes :)

Make a basic circle with the base color of what you want the eye to be. The darker the base color the darker the eye will look! I chose a sort of bright purple for this tutorial tho.

Set the layer to Preserve Opacity. (Basically, PO means that you can’t draw anywhere but where you’ve already drawn in the layer)

With your selected base color, move the color circle diagonal and to the left! If you choose any other color typically move the hue slider down.

Next from the top to the bottom color with the darker color. I start with a solid block and then make the lines more scratchy as I get further down.

Do the same thing again to get a darker color

Do the same hatch thing but only go to the middle

Add the pupil! You can made the pupil darker or lighter depending on what character you have or which style you perfer

Create a new layer above the eye and then hit clipping

Go back to your base color

So this is the fun part. I chose blue for this, but you can choose any color you want! If you want the eye to come off as extremely whatever color you want, then set it to the same color you started with and just move towards big saturation

Select the airbrush tool

On the bottom of the eye make a solid fuzzy circle

Make a circle around the pupil

Set the layer mode to luminosity and then adjust the opacity to something that you find looks nice. It can be 100! I do that all the time

Merge the layers!

With white(always white!) along any edges the eye is touching, make a streak of white. this implies the eye is wet

Make another clipping layer

Make a big white streak across the top of the eye in the direction of the light source

With your airbrush tool, hit the little transparency button underneath the colors. This turns whatever brush you’re using into basically an erasor

Very lightly erase from one end to the other. Leave at least ONE END solid white.

As you see fit, adjust the opacity. Sometimes I don’t need to fix it.

Merge the layers!

Add white reflection lights! Sometimes I add white to the center of the pupil just for funsies

I hope my tutorial on how I do eyes helped you! It took me many years to figure out how I do eyes and this might probably change in the future again :)

#tutorial #eyes #eye tutorial #my art #digital art #ask #anon #request

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madfantasy · 5 years

Text

Dear Blogging

Hello, dears, been awhile. Hope this finds you well~

A lot have happened/ still happening, I think it's going to be a long one and probably be all over the place because God I'm sorely tired.

★-I was getting ready to leave drawing for a good chunk of time, a month was what I plan to spend away from everything that had to do with it— including social media. But luckily for drawing I found a mystifying ad that spoke directly to me. " Are you an artist that creates characters and uses digital media? Join this local contest that is looking for talents to support! And guess what! We added extra time just because we believe you can do more, people!". So you can imagine me slumped on my bed, in my worst cases ever, barely awake, eyes sore from lack of sleep raising slowly as I read and reread it to make sure it wasn't a mirage. Suddenly I had a reason to live, apparently.

So I spent the last 10 days drawing like Mad, I wasn't ready, I didn't have ideas and certainly wasn't in any fitting state to do anything. But time was running, alongside it was my motivation, thankfully. I desperately needed a new pc, a reliable one. I have a couple of hundred saved up from commissions but they are hardly enough to buy a better quality than the one I already have.

I even did this excuse of a portfolio that took me ages for the contest:

https://madfantasy.wixsite.com/portfolio

Eventually, I made this; my precious Qarqa'ah and his precious Ghalli.

I sent it and finally breathed deeply. Not until I reread their rules I was a bit concerned. They say the prize is a support plan for the winner, so there aren't any actual specifications. Besides that, by applying I give away the rights for my piece, they can do anything with it basically, and it has to meet their standards, etc. They said the judging will start next month and they'll contact me if I got qualified. If I did, another month of voting than after another to declare the winners. It's a fairly big contest..

Pray for me :'

★-I was feeling detached from Severus, the last drawing of him hugging Harry and crying was a direct junction from how I was feeling in general... And one can possibly say it could have acted as an end to my Sevy art, as a goodbye.. but happy to say it's not going to be. I wasn't able to draw him at all recently. And seeing my older art of him made it worse, to be honest. I was feeling I ruined him and constantly reading around that the fandom is dying, and not seeing my favorite people around anymore was solidifying that feeling. So trying hard to fix him and sharing sketches didn't seem to have a point anymore, considering it takes me so much time to make art and my speed can’t keep up.. not to mention my seemingly unprogressive artistic direction that keeps peering at me from every angle..

But I had a dream of Severus one day, as odd and incomprehensible as dreams can be, it was amazing to see him again. He was chewing gum, that all I can safely say 😹 I can't stress how weird it was, I woke up feeling like Alice in Wonderland. I love it.

I thought maybe I should visit him where I first met him, so I watched a play-through of HP 1 PS1, it was everything I ever loved. I reread the book, & was so happy to have felt exactly the same as the very first time I wanted to get to know Sevy. Even more thrilled that I started to draw him naturally on the side of reading, without even thinking. I have a habit of pausing to draw my reaction on things I read or draw the scene I liked itself. At that moment, nothing seems to matter but putting those wonderful words I just read into a viewable form.

This, this captured moment of timeless pleasure, this what matters to me. To make these little moments to vibrate as candles, lighting in a row, one by one along the pathway, uplifting and even musing the spirit to do anything, even just to dwell in the blissful nothing, away from what heavies the hearts. Even if nobody found it so, even me. I still want to make them.

Just for funsies, I like to show you how much construction lines I need on Sevy compared to the ones on Harrison, alot. Also, you can check those doodles and more I did last night (here) 🙊

★-On a more silly note; I have matched my medical glasses to sunglass's general shape that I like to wear- round. I don't wear them unless I absolutely have to, so it was a bit of a surprising luxury to do so. I come to quickly find that red glasses frames are unbelievably rare, leaving alone that I wanted them round. So we settled on the lighter shade— pinkish gold.

The minute I wore them, Mother started to call me Harry Potter Harbi* (My last name*), which was amusing considering that I wore round shaped glasses all the time anyway— but not transparent.

The guy who made the lenses must have showered with his perfume before, because I couldn't get the scent out of my glasses, as if it was impeded in the frame. That fondly reminded me of the times I used to make sure to spray my perfume on a tissue and slide it into the file containing my drawings. Because my favorite person at the time did showered with her perfume and every time I got her file— when we secretly switched, and she noted it felt like I was actually there with her, it was nice. (We were in different schools and whatever)

Let us hope for the best, my thoughts always my dears, with you. And thank you.

Bless your days⭐

#text #personal #drawing journey #drawing journal #snape

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crystalelemental · 5 years

Text

suitsongirls replied to your post: I mean, I can’t exactly fault someone who’s...

See, I agree she definitely should have been a villain, but I think she should have been a semi-recruitable one. Not the first time you meet her, but later, after she’s spared. She turns up again, and you have the option of having Corrin speak to her, and she has the option of joining, but she’s not allowed to kill. Since she’s been defeated, she’s less feared, and all that jazz. But that’s giving the fates writers too much credit.

See, I don’t think she even has enough for that. That would require redeemable characteristics, which she doesn’t have.

This is an odd equivalence, but given the recency of this exact issue near here, it’s what springs to mind: whenever there’s a school shooting threat or event, the most difficult part is convincing my colleagues that no, this situation isn’t a tragic mental health issue, and the person making the threats doesn’t need help in the sense you’re thinking. It’s learned behavior. It’s being part of a gun nut forum that’s constantly othering those not in your group and inciting violence against them. That’s not a mental health break or something that needs a few sessions of therapy, that’s a behavioral process that’s leading to acts of wanton violence committed by someone who is very in control of their thoughts and actions. They’re not crazy or mentally unstable, they’re just awful people who have made the conscious decision that this is okay and justified.

That’s Peri. There is no mental health disorder in Peri. There’s nothing in Peri but a bratty five-year-old who was always enabled and allowed to do whatever she wanted.

The only time they try to give a reason for her behavior is with Laslow’s supports. In their A-support, she talks about how, when she was young, she found her mother dead, after one of their family servants had killed her. After that, she would attack the servants when she was upset with them, and her dad never stopped her. Her only positive traits is that she cooks really well, something she learned from her mother, and is kind of the memento she carries with her.

So it’s trauma, right? She experienced something traumatic, and now she’s just reactively violent. No. No she is not. There’s never reactive violence in his behavior. She kills servants over small mistakes, kills random people for funsies, and throws a tantrum at Benny for bringing her sweet candy when she had initially asked for sweet but changed her mind to sour while he was getting her things, all because she threatened to kill random citizens if he didn’t do it. There’s no trauma response here. That’s just a sociopath who thinks killing is okay to get what she wants.

In the field of special education, we had a disability classification area called Significant Emotional Disability. To qualify under that area, you need to rule out what’s called Social Maladjustment. The behaviors within the two are similar, but there’s one big distinction. The student with an emotional disability tends to be reactive, and doesn’t necessarily know the skills to interact with their social environment. They can have explosive outbursts, but when calm are generally pleasant and can often be remorseful following an outburst, because they don’t really want to have this difficult a time, they just don’t know what the alternative is. Social Maladjustment is intentional. It’s saying, I know the social rules and expectations, this is just easier. It’s that bratty, asshole child that constantly hits people and shows zero emotion over it, and will tell you yeah, they punched that other kid in the eye, they wanted the toy they had and they weren’t giving it to them. Peri is the second. In theory, you can work with either to develop the skills, but the approach is different. ED needs to be taught the skills. SM, on the other hand, needs to be taught that what they want is obtained more easily if they follow rules, which personally I think is a lot harder to deal with.

This isn’t to say that Peri absolutely could not be redeemed. But it is to say she’s not someone to be pitied. She’s like this because she started attacking people, and her spineless asshole father let it happen, or worse encouraged it, until she became a violent monster. She acts purely on her own desires, throws a baby tantrum when she doesn’t get her way, and approaches every problem with the mentality that overwhelming violence is a sensible solution. She’s awful, and I absolutely hate her presence in the story. She’s worse than most of the villains! Hans kills innocent people too, and is treated as the transparent major villain alongside Iago and Garon. But you know what? Hans actually has a justification. He falls back on it a lot, but he’s not wrong: Garon did order him to kill. Yeah, he gets really into it, but the people he massacres are your direct enemies in war, and people in league with a rebellion against the throne. He’s wrong for massacring people in this way and inciting the conflict, but he’s got way more justification for his actions than Peri does, and somehow he’s an irredeemable villain while Peri is fine to side with the heroes? It’s so lazy and shitty. And again, somehow, Xander, the guy who’s all about peace and order in the realm and keeping people safe, sees Laslow being overly flirtatious as a bigger image concern than Peri killing her servants for giving her a mixed bag of candies with the green ones in it because she doesn’t like the green ones as much. She’s an active detriment to the story and the characters around her. She is, unquestionably, the worst playable character in Fire Emblem history.

#suitsongirls

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ladyaceofspades · 6 years

Note

Re: “PUT A NUMBER IN MY ASK” 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? 62. Been arrested? For what? 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 95. Last movie you watched? 113. What was your childhood nickname? 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? 146. Was today a good day?

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? It doesn't, I have no boundaries talking about it. As long as it doesn't cross into what someone would like to do TO or WITH me, then its fine. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? I don't think I have a daily routine (yet), but it would be either some self care I do when I have the energy (mostly skin care), and feed Gary (she let me pick her up today!! And she didn't freak out! And she couldn't jump away from me and try to roam the room again!)49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Yes.62. Been arrested? For what? Not yet, but if I am, I hope it would be because I'm helping to fight for positive change.74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Before I moved - 35. Now, maybe 15. That's just mine, we haven't touched on Ben's!95. Last movie you watched? Get Smart. I forgot Dwayne Johnson played a villain then! And how small he was at the time (compared to now).113. What was your childhood nickname? The constant has always been Ace, but I did have a few from elementary school: Mooney (confusing because there was a kid named Munasar who people would also call Munie), Angie. From middle school/HS: Ace, Mooney, Moon me (one year at a lacrosse game, we were mooned by guys driving by and thankfully this nickname never stuck).135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Hm...there's two. One lie I've told (recurringly) was to my boss at a shoe company I worked for. I used to drink on my own at this time and I'd get wasted, watch Adult Swim, take some Nyquil, pass out, wake up with no hangover. Some nights I'd not take Nyquil and wake up with a hangover so I'd call my boss and say I woke up, threw up, must be flu, cant come in. They bought it every time because they didn't want to get sick. I did it like once a month or so.The most transparent lie was when I was in HS. I had met this guy I was flirting with at the Chipotle down the street and he worked in the back. He was over 18 and I was only like 16/17 at the time. I was hiding in my closet, laying on the floor, talking to him on the phone one day. My mom heard me talking to someone, and when I came downstairs, she confronted me. I panicked and came up with "you were hearing things, you're crazy" and so erupted a fight, where I pretty much tried to convince my overbearing mother she was hearing things (gaslighting, unfortunately), until she poked holes in my story and I got in trouble for it.136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed and locked. If intruders get in, we'll hear them. Or ghosts who open doors for funsies. 146. Was today a good day?Yes. You know why? I got my night guard impression done today and it was 100% on a whim. The dentist I work for charges $350 for a night guard to be made for night grinders. I asked her today if she would be willing to make me one, so she only charged me for the materials being used ($100). Plus today was a short day at work with only 5 patients this afternoon. Then Ben and I went grocery shopping, kinda stayed on budget, AND Gary let me scoop her up and play with her for a minute. Ben got new shorts today, and I got a text from a coworker at Wicked Uncle asking if I'd still come in to help tomorrow.

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im-sexy-and-im-mystictrash · 7 years

Text

RFA+V+Unknown+Vanderwood Half human half Mystical MC

I love these type of mm headcanons and I’ve seen this a lot so i wanted to take a…Kraken at it…I’m so not sorry for that i had to make that pun, anyways you’re a mystical being, it’s going to be a large range of creatures. you’re human but like not completely so one of your parents are human and the other…not so much. you’re a modern good version of these creatures, on with the headcanon~

Yoosung

Gorgon

you didn’t really bring it up

you want to but when would be a good time?

and how the hell were you going to bring up you were half gorgon?

you weren’t even sure if he knew what that was

well

He was learning Greek mythology and he needed a topic for his assignment

“MC would you help me with something?”

He showed you his laptop with a long list of Greek creatures

“I can’t pick one…which one do you think will fit me?”

now is better then ever to tell him

You go into a fit of nervous giggles and you just

“how about me?”

“aww MC you’re cute, but unless you’re a creature…”

“But I am! half to be exact”

Confused Yoosung

“Oh MC you’re just so funny~”

you didn’t know how to tell him so you just show him

suddenly your hair turns to snakes

“hehe um…Wanna say hi? I named all of them”

Yoosung

S C R E A M S

“MC! MC! YOUR HAIR! I MIGHT NOT HAVE DATED BEFORE YOU,BUT I DON’T THINK GIRLS HAIR IS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT”

He goes numb

“You…you’re a…”

“half gorgon”

you two sat there in silence while he thinks

“You’re not scared of me right?”

you’re actually really scared he’ll leave

“W-well…I’m not a big fan of snakes…”

Snakes gone

You try to explain it

“So you’re medusa?”

Que frown

“Medusa is not a race she’s a person, Medusa is also gorgon”

…

“Oh…maybe I should pay attention to class”

you help him with his assignment and he aces it

it would take him forever to get used to it

“MC?…I can still look into your eyes right?

Zen (Nsfw???)

Succubus

Zen always has these moments with you that is just

Extremely Sensual

You have this look in your eyes

the way your body is

he just can’t think straight

you two have waited to have that special night because he loves you and wants to take it slow

but what you are is not helping his “Beast”

it was just one moment at night that you wanted to tell him

you 100% trust him with your secret

so it was time

“Zen honey?”

“Yes love?”

“You know how you say you have a beast?”

Zen blushes

“Y…Yes”

“Well I too have a beast”

the beast at 87%

you seriously didn’t mean for it to sound…sexy like he’s thinking

but you can’t help it, being a succubus everything is sexual

You kinda scoot closer

the beast at 93%

“Although your beast is crazy like you claim it to be, mine is much more”

the beast at 97%

“MC…you don’t wanna wake-”

“The beast? you don’t want to wake mine either~”

T H E B E A S T B R O K E

That night

sure was something amazing

his mind was blown

how you were that night was not something human

the day after he told you about this and you tell him

“A succubus? what’s that?”

you tell him to look it up

…

“OH MY GOD MC”

Zen’s just so unsure what to think

“Do you still love me?”

que offended gasp

“MC of course I love you!”

“I just don’t know how I feel about dating a…Sex demon…”

“Do you want me to show you~?”

BEAST UNLEASHED OVER 9000

You’re going to be the death of him

Jaehee

pixie

You were a lot like Jaehee

serious about work

has a level head and very smart

But

You just loved to have fun

Jaehee loves fun too

But your fun was pretty childish

tying Yoosung’s shoe laces together

Putting salt instead of sugar in Seven’s cup

“MC why do you do such childish things?”

That sort of hurt your feelings but you just tell her

“because it’s who I am”

She didn’t quite understand what that meant

But she did know there was an underline meaning to your words

So she kept a closer eye on you

as time went on she noticed some pretty weird things

“MC is that glitter on you?”

“No it’s just me”

MC did you grow shorter?”

“Nope that’s just me”

Okay you were confusing the hell out of her

and you were having so much fun messing with her

once it got to the point it was effecting her work

you had to fess up

“Jaehee the reason for all these things is because I’m a pixie”

…

wha?

“A Pixie?”

“MC no more jokes please”

“I’m not! I swear! Here I’ll prove it!”

With a little smirk you shrunk

and shrunk

and shrunk even more

you were about the size of her coffee cup

with cute little transparent wings

“Believe me now?”

You sounded like a squeaky toy

She blinks at you for a moment

and faints

oh boy

She wakes up in her bed

“That was a strange dream”

“Not a dream”

He looks to the side of her bed to see that you’re sitting there

you were normal sized

but you still have your wings out

“MC I think I should go to the doctor”

You just giggle at it all

“Jaehee it’s fine, here I’ll tell you”

And so you did

after telling her you kind of run off to let her think about it all

She looks up everything she can about the matter

“What to do when your girlfriend is a Pixie”

Jaehee stays with you because she loves you

and you knew that

which is why you didn’t mind telling her all this

She still hasn’t gotten used to it

so you toned down the pranks and fun

except when it comes to Yoosung

He’s just so fun to mess with!

you shrunk in front of Yoosung for funsies

He fainted

“MC! I told you to stop doing that! this is the third time he’s fainted because of you!”

Jumin

Fenrir

Elizabeth was terrified of you

You knew why

but Jumin didn’t

every time you would walk in the room with Elizabeth

she would go crazy and run out

“I don’t understand why Elizabeth would dislike you…”

“heh…heh…who knows?”

So for some time it was just Elizabeth hating you

Jumin was just so confused

you’re so sweet and cute

Elizabeth should like you like he does

so why doesn’t she?

But he found out eventually

one day you were very angry over something

and your eyes just changed to yellow?

“MC your eyes! what’s wrong?!”

You realize what’s going on and you calm yourself down

“trick of the light?”

“No my eyes are perfect I saw clearly what happened”

Shit

“I need to call a doctor at once”

You panic

“Wait!”

You tell him

that you’re basically a really big half wolf

“no MC this is impossible”

“I seriously don’t want to have to proof it to you, I’m not lying I swear”

“So if this is the truth…I’m dating a dog?”

Your eyes change to yellow again

“I am not a dog! I’m half Fenrir!”

“uh..erm…right I’m sorry”

again MC, calm down

“So this is why Elizabeth hates you?”

“Yup”

“Interesting”

He would lock himself up for a bit to think but then come out completely fine

“I still love you very much so I’ll have to get used to this”

It went pretty smoothly for awhile until he bought you dog treats

“Jumin I’m not a fucken dog!”

Seven

Boggart (I’m using this page and the harry potter boggart one as a reference)

Seven knew there was something up with you

You two got along so well because you loved to cause trouble and create mischief

But your trouble was on a new level

it was scary good

some nights you could scare him to the point it’s…

inhuman?

so as a hacker

he turned to the internet for information

but all that came up was

Boggart

“Pfft my girlfriend isn’t some mystical being…”

“right?”

hmmm

“Hey baby can I ask you something?”

You walk into the room

“what’s up?”

“have you heard of a Boggart?”

you freeze

shit

“Ummm…that’s from harry potter right? hehe…”

He smirks

you’re so skrewed

“MC~ is there something you wanna tell me?”

S H I T

You had no idea how to start

“You really wanna know?”

seven Sparkley eyes

“Y E S”

“Well you see Saeyoung…when a human and a Boggart love each other very much, they create…me…”

He sits for a moment

“I…I must have missed that lesson in sex ed…”

You explain about your origins

and honestly he just

“the pranks we could pull with your powers…”

He does this dark smile

”we need a victim…call Yoosung, we have work to do”

Valkyrie

Jihyun called you his angel all the time

and you giggled every time because of what you are

You’re not an angel but being a Valkyrie you might as well be

Now he never really noticed anything super strange

He did get a mystic air about you from time to time though

But one day you felt like telling him

it killed you that he didn’t know

He was just the sweetest and you didn’t want to lie to him anymore

“Jihyun?”

“Yes angel”

Cute MC giggles

“MC you’re so adorable

Yup you really have to tell him

“Um…do you know what a Valkyrie is?”

“A Valkyrie? I know a little bit about them, why?”

“Well…how would you feel if I was a Valkyrie…?”

He sits there with a confused smile for a moment but still replies

“Then…you would be my Valkyrie”

You just smile at it

“I’m going to show you something, okay?”

He’s still a little confused but nods his head

Then you show him your wings

He has wide eyes

“So…am I still your Valkyrie?”

He’s pretty speechless right now

“MC? So you’re really a Valkyrie? I’m not dreaming?”

You tell him about this and he listens to every word

he can sense that you’re worried

“MC I still love you very much, whatever you are won’t change that”

He adjusts pretty well

He’ll even ask to see your wings

wanting to take pictures of you an your final form

“My Valkyrie, Can I see them? I just can’t get enough of how beautiful you are”

Unknown

Banshee

Being a half Banshee, wasn’t as intense as your mother or happen as often

but there are times that you’ll just scream

inhuman screams

you haven’t had an episode in a long time

so Saeran had no idea

but one day at night you were acting very strange

you were spacey

and just all around out of it

“MC!”

“Hmm!? sorry what?”

Saeran was very annoyed

“listen to me when I’m talking to you! why are you acting so weird?”

You get ready to answer but you suddenly go numb

“It’s happening…”

“what? Whats happening?? MC?”

You open your mouth

and

scream

He’s freaking out

glass is shattering

he’s covering his ears

His ears are ringing

he passes out from that awful noise

good thing Saeyoung’s bunker didn’t have windows or else they would have shattered too

it only lasts a minute

after it’s over you’re out of breath

and you’re so tired

then you fainted

He woke up and saw you were collapsed on the floor

Saeran was too worried about you to care about what just happened

He sits there with you until you wake up

“Ughhh…that sucked”

“MC! are you okay?!”

You just look at him and then

oh no

he knows now

you start to tear up

“I’m sorry!”

He’s confused

“Why are you sorry you idiot?? I was worried sick!”

He lets you calm down

“So are you ready to tell me what’s wrong?”

You explain to him what just happened and what you are

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I don’t want you to be scared of me…”

He just thinks about it

“We should probably buy some sound cancelling ear phones”

“What?”

“I mean, I don’t want a headache or bleed from my ears every time that happens”

“Wait…you’re not leaving me?”

He flicks your forehead

“Why would I? Because you have some weird talent? who cares”

You are baffled but so happy

“So we should probably tell Saeyoung so he doesn’t go through that too”

He smirks

“By any chance can you make yourself do that?”

“Yeah… I can do it myself…why?”

He pulls out his phone

“Saeyoung I wanna show you something”

Vanderwood

spring heeled jack

He’s seen some pretty weird and crazy things as an agent

But not as crazy as what just happened

you two were camping

you both wanted to get away from people for a weekend

it was going good all day but when it hit night

you two had no idea that there were bears

so while you two were by the fire you didn’t expect a huge bear to crash the party

“MC get away from there!!”

now you didn’t want him to find out at all

but when you’re in danger it’s a defense mechanism that you cant control

Vanderwood was getting ready to protect you

but then he saw you had glowing blue eyes and long ass claws

He was more then surprised

You scratch up the bear a few times

and breath some fire at it to scare it off

now in this state you were always hazy and didn’t have complete control over it

So when you turned to Vanderwood with your glowing eyes and steam coming out of your mouth

he didn’t feel very safe

“MC?”

You just creep up to him without responding

“MC?!”

Still nothing

“For gods sake MC!”

He actually rushes up to you and punches the top of your head

“Snap out of it you idiot!”

poof

back to normal MC

“Now tell me what the hell just happened”

You told him what you are

“MC…are you seriously telling me you’re some sort of fire demon thing?

“Spring heeled Jack”

“Never heard of it”

You explain everything in detail

your origins

what you’re able to do

“MC as strange as this is, this is seriously badass”

You’re totally confused

you never thought Vanderwood could use the word badass

“So…we’re okay?”

“as long as you don’t torch me to death when you’re mad then it’s fine”

and if you ever did get like that he could always get you out of your trance

you two realize how cold it is and see that the fire is out

“MC be a dear and relight that”

I had a lot of fun typing this, it was more for me then anything. it’s not my most favorite I typed but I do really like this one, hope you liked it~

Master list of my headcanons

#my headcanons #headcanon #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messager #707 #yoosung #zen #jumin han #vanderwood #unknown #jaehee kang

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aifsaath · 7 years

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I would love a scene where Anakin is trying to hide his hangover from Obi Wan, who loves tormenting his padawan when he's in such a state and Quinlan finds Anakin hiding and demands to know why and Quinlan, who has Views about actively hiding parts of yourself from your padawan, drags Anakin back to Obi Wan, picking up Garen and Bant along the way, and they all drag Anakin for being a featherweight and Obi Wan for being a Dirty Rotten Liar Who Says He Never Indulges.

Quinlan promoting educational transparency… Let’s say this would fit intothe general background of the Counterclockwise, just for funsies…

This is thefirst part where Obi’s just a complete sasshole :D Quinlan may pop up later

…

Anakinswore the most solemn oath that one day he would invent a time-machine, getinto the Neolithic era and strangle the first imbecile who thought that promotingfermented grain water that tasted like a cave bantha piss as a social drink wasa brilliant idea. He would never ever touch anything even slightly alcoholic again.He would throw away all the industrial cleaners for droids that contained evena trace amount of that Force-damned liquid. He would scourge all Obi-Wan’s rumpralines from their quarters just to make sure he would not ever get into thecontact with it. He would live the rest of his days in a total abstinence,pinky promise, just make the tiny Ewokswith hammers leave his tortured skull.

With agrowing dread, he forced one eyelid to open. Immediately, this decision broughthim only pain and regret. Everything wasso bright!

And he was not in his own bedroom. His bedroom hadwindows with blinds, facing the west. Waking up there would have been almostpleasant!

No. Obi-Wanhad tucked him into his own bed. Which he had moved right so that the first thing Anakin saw in the morning was the blazing sun.

To make Anakin’swelcome into the realm of the conscious even better, their quarters weresuddenly filled with a loud cacophony of snorts and throttles. Where the hell did he get a recording ofHuttese national opera?! Anakin knew his master appreciated even the mostobscure art forms. But there had tobe limits. At least limits to the sound volume. The door flied wide open.

Obi-Wan wasstill in his bathrobe. He wore a little smile as he sipped from his steamingmug. He slurped. Anakin’s eyebrow twitched. The disgusting sound was even worsethan the lyrics of the aria playing in the background.

“Had a goodevening with your friends?”

“Yes.”Anakin didn’t dare to nod. Any moving with his head and the entire content ofhis stomach would see the light of day.

“You know,my sweet dozing padawan, you were right that you needed a break and just chill with friends. I can see now thatsuch things do wonder on one’s state of rest and peace. I bet today’smeditation and sabre practice will be a piece of cake!” Obi-Wan spoke slow and loudlyas one does to a somewhat deaf elderly family member whom they despise. “Cheerup, Anakin, and hop off the bed. Chop chop!”

“Can youturn the level of cheer a little bit down, Master?”

“Why wouldI when it is a beautiful brightmorning and when I can listen to the finest music the Outer Rim offers andshare a breakfast and sapir tea with my padawan?”

“Breakfast?”Anakin gulped. He had to hope. “Do wehave sausages? Or fried eggs? Or fries? Butter?”

“Oh my, whyon Earth would you propose anything so greasy and unhealthy?”

“Just acraving.”

“Sure,”Obi-Wan gifted him with a brilliant smile. Anakin longed to punch him. “Acraving for food that you usually hate with a passion. One would wonder whetherthis sudden craving is not caused bya certain someone having any regrets on overestimating their alcohol resistance.No, my slightly celadon padawan, we have oatmeal.”

“…”

“Well?”

“I have noidea what you’re talking about. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Sure.Green is such a fresh colour.”

#Obikin #Brobikin #Obi-Wan Kenobi #Anakin Skywalker #like Anakin's a lightweight #And Obi-Wan is a Trollbi-Wan #counterclockwise #tygermama #calyssmarviss

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smashdraws · 7 years

Text

The things I’ve learned from art school: part 1/?

I’m a second year illustration student, and I’m here to share with you pearls of wisdom from what I’ve experienced and learned in college (so far), from the actual drawing process to attitudes about art/drawing. Most of these things I’ve learned the hard way, and some are from things I’ve seen others struggle with.

The most work you should be doing in your drawing process is thumbnails/sketching stage.

“There’s no point in finishing a drawing if it’s flawed from the beginning”. That’s what my Composition & Transparent Media professor constantly told us. During our first piece of the semester, he had us stay on the sketching and redrawing stage for a little over a month in order to perfect them. He wanted to make sure the perspective was right, composition was pushed to its fullest, details were added to make every space interesting, the whole shebang. Obviously you’re probably not going to spend a whole month redrawing a piece over and over every time you draw, especially if it’s a time-sensitive project or just a personal piece you’re doing for funsies. However, the sketching stage is where most of the creativity happens. You have to decide on composition, scale, design elements, characters and how they’re positioned in the space, environment, and so much more. And I’d be willing to bet that you won’t get it right the first time.

Give yourself projects when you aren’t in school.

It helps with artist block. The summer between freshman and sophomore year of school I could probably count the number of drawings I did on one hand. To be fair, I was working two jobs 6 days a week so i didn’t exactly have a lot of time, but I found that once I got out of school I had zero drive or ideas. Without assignments from class to draw for, I had nothing to draw, and when I got back to school for sophomore year I had a lot of trouble getting inspired again. It made the beginning of the year really hard for me. Find something, ANYTHING, to draw while you’re out of school, even if you draw fanart for one thing all summer, at least you’re still drawing.

If a character in your drawing is reminiscent of another character/too generic, think about altering it- especially if it’s a work that focuses on said character.

This really only applies for artists who’s focus/career is character design, but it’s still relevant to others. As painful as it is to hear, it means you might not be pushing your concepts enough. I took a class on Concept Art, and the first assignment was character design. A few of mine were deemed too generic looking, and one was too reminiscent of an existing character. It really hurt to hear, especially since I pride myself on character design and they were for a story I’ve had in development for over 6 years. It really made me feel like shit and made me not want to develop the characters further. But I needed to hear it, and I had to continue developing them for the class, so I ended up overhauling and redesigning the characters until they didn’t seem like the same ones anymore in order to make them more interesting. I hated it, but it’s what I had to do.

That being said, things like this really make you think about distinguishing your characters and art from others out there. It’s essentially impossible to be 100% original, but that doesn’t mean you cant try your damnedest to make your ideas as close to original as they can get without getting overcomplicated.

When designing characters, mix up the body shape and facial features.

This one is kind of specific, but still important since character design is an important element of illustration. If you don’t vary things up you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’ from your professors and peers. And frankly, its boring as hell when someone’s characters all look the same. This is something I see a lot, and I can never get attached to an individual character cause they all looked the same! I found that it happens a lot with male characters, they all have defined abs to some degree and perfectly toned arms and honestly, it gets boring when all of someone’s male characters have the same body type. As for face, there is literally no excuse. There are SO MANY KINDS OF FACES MAN. Round, rectangular, circular, heart-shaped, squared. People can have hooked noses, upturned noses, tiny cute noses. Even eyebrows- arched, flat, thick, waxed, faint, or bold. You’re allowed to have preferences for what kind of bodies you like to draw, but don’t be afraid to branch out!

Develop your own style.

As an artist, you need your own style. Imitating other artist’s styles isn’t going to get you far in school or the real world, and chances are, your peers will call you out if your style looks too much like another established artist’s. In order to make a living and gain clients you need a style that you make unique, taking inspirations and aspects from other styles and squishing them together to make one amazing art style baby. Your art style will probably be the deciding factor in whether or not your client hires you!

Tracing references is OK when appropriate.

As long as it isn’t for a published or commissioned piece, there is absolutely no harm in tracing references. In your down time take some pictures of yourself or find some online and go ahead and trace ‘em. Really pay attention to how the body actually is, how the perspective on legs work, how that hand is foreshortened. Do this enough and you’ll find yourself thinking about all that when you’re drawing normally!

There will always be students better than you, you just gotta accept it.

It’s just a fact of life, unfortunately. When you’re a freshman, you’re in classes with only freshman for your foundation year. You and your peers are all on the relatively same level. What had affected me starting my second year (and I didn’t realize it until much later) was that now that I was in classes with upperclassmen, who had a year or two’s worth of experience on me, I felt as id my art was not up to par. It’s easy to forget your classmates are not just from your grade anymore, especially in electives. All of the electives I took had mostly Juniors and a few Sophomores, and my work always didn’t quite have that polish and finesse to it yet that the upperclassmen’s did have. It’s just a fact of life that you’ll always be up against artists who are more skilled than you , but thats because they have more or different experiences. You have to keep in mind that you can’t compare yourself to them, since it isn’t fair to you that you’re comparing yourself to someone who may have 3+ years on you.

Learn realism to some extent- figures, animals, everything.

You don’t have to like it, but you can always tell when an artist never learned it because their figures are always off. There is a difference between stylizing and not knowing, and it’s almost always evident. You can see it in the way hands are drawn, noses are rendered, and how they shape and place breasts. Do pages of body studies focusing on hands, feet, leg muscles, back arches, faces, all kinds of stuff. You’ll thank yourself later.

Your professors and peers will know when you don’t put in your best effort.

They’ll know when you aren’t pushing yourself because you’ll make fundamental mistakes. Slightly imperfect coloring, wiggly linework that wasn’t done quite carefully enough, not bothering to fix those damn feet in the finish. They always know, somehow...even if you’re careful with your laziness.

Buying expensive materials is usually worth it.

It may cost more but your work will benefit from it, and they last so, so much longer. I had to buy 3 brushes when my techniques class was doing watercolor, and in total they costed over $100. I found as I used them that since they were hair brushes and not synthetic, they held so much more pigment and water, and I could get a much finer tip. I was incredibly lucky that my professor provided the paint, which could go up to $20 a tube for some colors with the brand he had. Paper is also something worth splurging on, because let me tell you I have had disastrous effects when using shitty (coughCANSONcough) watercolor paper. The 9x12 paper block I bought for class was $30, and it was the best paper i’ve ever worked on. Absolutely worth the money and I will be buying that brand for projects from now on. And the best thing about all these is that they’ll last forever!

You NEED to find ways to get excited about a project you hate, because you’re gonna have to do a lot of them.

If you don’t find ways to get excited about projects you’re not too thrilled to do, you’ll never succeed. I learned this in my freshman year very fast, because man oh man were there some projects I couldn’t have cared less about. If you can, gear the project towards one of your interests without compromising the purpose or assigned subject.

I hope this advice can help some folks! Art school is a lot of tough love, and a lot of stepping 300 yards out of your comfort zone (sometimes by force). But they key is to not be afraid of trying new things! You’ll find things you absolutely hate doing, and will never want to do ever again if you can help it, and you’ll find things that you’ll love to do. It’s all about keeping an open mind!

Keep drawing, keep learning, keep creating.

#advice #life lessons #art #art advice #college #art school #not art #artist #learning #tough love #long post #critique

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