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jjasen · 1 year

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more than the world itself

summary: just a collection of my personal rafe headcannons about his childhood ❀

warnings: Ward Cameron (ew); this is about Rafe’s childhood trauma, especially concerning his father and his mother’s death so please read with care!

word count: 2.2k

a/n: I envision Rafe’s mom to be half French, half Portuguese fyi! ❀

It’s a languorously lazy Sunday morning, the kind where sunlight has been streaming through the gauzy curtains for well over an hour and warming the fluffy comforter. You and Rafe have been stirring in a state somewhere in between slumber and wakefulness for the past half hour. He finally lets out a groan as he stretches and yawns, muscular forearms flexing alluringly. Reaching out to hold you tightly, he buries his face in the nape of your neck, your hair tickling his nose. The sweet scent of your shampoo fills his senses as he pulls you closer to him under the crisp cotton sheets.

His fingers lightly drum, absentmindedly, rhythmically against your sternum as he often does, tracing an invisible melody across your skin. You frequently wonder about the root of this subconscious habit of his, wanting to understand everything about him, what makes Rafe Rafe. Sometimes he sits at the bench of the glossy black piano at Tannyhill, fingers hovering above the gleaming keys, but you’ve never heard him play. Once you asked him about it, if he could play something for you, and the flat tone of his no articulated to you that this was just another topic that was off-limits, one of the many that caused Rafe to tense up, a furrow forming between his brows as he clenched his jaw and changed the subject with a sense of finality.

You are not the pushy type of partner, not wanting to press Rafe into sharing more than he is willing, wanting him to be able to confide to you in his own time, but you sometimes wish that he could talk to somebody, if not you, about his past, his thoughts, the things that he had done. Because somewhere inside of Rafe, there is a broken, angry boy, who hungers for more than you can possibly fathom, and sometimes you fear that he will always be there. That time will not heal Rafe’s wounds.

Turning around to loop your arms around his neck, you press a soft kiss to his mouth before you broach the subject that’s been on your mind since yesterday afternoon.

“Rafe, my love,” you say, skimming a hand over his broad shoulder, “I was thinking about something.”

He looks down at you under his golden lashes, his eyes still hooded with sleep, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Mhm?”

You capture his hand, the familiar weight of his palm soothing. “Well, I was shopping for stationary yesterday, and I saw this journal and thought of you.”

He looks at you questioningly, as if to say, is that it?

You continue, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear. “I just thought that maybe you could use an outlet to, you know, express your feelings,” you shrug. “I know that you don’t necessarily want to see a therapist, and journaling can be a good way to process things.”

“I don’t know,” he says doubtfully, sitting up, abs flexing as he mussing his sandy blond hair.

You look up at him earnestly. “I think you should give it a try. It could be really good for you, just having the space to write down your feelings and thoughts.”

He nods and looks away, and you can tell he’s still disinclined to the idea. “I’ll think about it,” he says, kissing the top of your head and getting out of bed. “Crepes?” he asks, and you nod, lingering in bed for a few more moments before padding to the kitchen, where he’s slicing strawberries, to help him prepare breakfast.

About a week has passed since you mentioned journaling, and Rafe has just gotten off the phone with Ward, who is pressing him to be more assertive with clients, to be a better executive, to be an adequate son who is worthy of the Cameron name. Sighing, he runs his hand over his face and lifts his thumb to the corner of his mouth, biting down on the already ragged skin and wincing a little. An all-too-familiar pit of self doubt is settling in his stomach and he breathe the way you taught him to, inhaling and exhaling slowly to soothe the ache in his chest.

He glances at the corner of his desk, where the plain navy notebook you bought for him sits, blank and impassive. It practically taunts him, lying there, its pages clean and unblemished, and he’s almost afraid to touch it for fear of sullying your gift with his thoughts and words, the things he would like to say.

Shaking his head as though to clear his thoughts, he mutters a low, “Fuck it,” grabbing the journal and opening it to the first page, where he sees a post-it note with your handwriting.

Rafe, my love, if you’ve opened this you should know that I am so proud of you for using this as your own private space to express yourself. I know it can be hard to get started, so here are some ideas in case you want to write about something.

He scans down your list of prompts and questions until one in particular catches his eye.

What is it like being your father’s son?

Rafe chews the end of his pen absentmindedly, musing over the question posed to him. What is it like being Ward Cameron’s heir, his only son, the eldest out of all of his siblings? There are many things he could say: it is hard work, it is high expectations atop of unsteady shoulders, it is an ache in his chest that doesn’t ever quite leave.

It is being five years old, Rafe waiting excitedly for his father to come home so that he can show him the new prelude he has learned to play on the piano. It is Ward brushing him aside, snapping that no, he does not want to listen, he does not have time for him, he’s a busy man and can’t Rafe understand that? It’s his mother’s face as she runs a thin hand over her face, looking so profoundly tired as she whispers to him that his father will be more patient next time, that he is overworked, that she is sorry, baby, and won’t he go wash up for dinner?

It is dropping his glass of water, shards glimmering on the kitchen’s tile floor. It is his mother’s pale face as she claps a hand over her mouth and turns to look at his father, trembling. It is his father’s thunderous shouts, it is Rafe’s hands pressed over his ears, it is salty tears, it is his wrists bruised with purple for days after.

It is six years old and his family has had an unusually good day at the beach, where Sarah is building sand castles in her pink cotton bonnet and his father is helping Rafe find seashells. It is his parents’ hushed conversations late at night about money and his father’s job, and suddenly Ward is not so angry anymore, he does not come home raising his voice and his fists. He smiles more and brings Rafe to work, where he meets his father’s secretary, and Rafe feels special, important, enough.

It’s seven years old, on the school stage under bright spotlights, his palms sweaty and heart racing as he squints into the audience to find his parents, his fingers trembling as he sets them down on the ivory piano keys. It is after he lets out a shaky breath and gives a bow, seeing his mother’s bright face as she cheers for him, her smile radiant as she applauds, the seat next to her empty. It’s after his recital, when she pulls him into a tight embrace, praising his performance, and five-year-old Sarah gives him a bouquet of yellow roses; it is when she says Ward couldn’t make it, that he was in an important business meeting, that he was sorry, that he would be there next time, with a sorrowful expression that said she knew he wouldn’t.

It’s nine, when his mother first gets sick and he catches his father in his study, face in his hands as his blonde secretary, Rose, massages the tension from the broadness of his shoulders. It is Ward’s face snapping up when he sees Rafe, his expression hardening, blue gaze turning cold as ice, his secretary’s eyes widening with guilt. It’s curling up with Sarah, ears pressed to Ward’s oaken study door to hear murmured conversations between his father and Rose, catching snatches of illicit parleys.

It’s visiting his mother in the hospital with white tulips and a card that reads Get well soon, recalling his father’s whispered tête-à-têtes with Rose from the night before. It is a guilty ache throbbing in his chest as she greets Ward with a cheery embrace, clutches a baby Wheezie to her body, her disposition hopeful despite her hollow cheeks and thinning curls.

It’s ten years old clutching his mother’s hand in the hospital, trying not to be frightened by the beeping heart monitor or snaking tubes of intravenous fluids taped to her frail wrists as she whispers into his ear. I love you more than the world itself. Be strong for your sisters, everything will be okay. It’s walking down the hospital hallway, his shoulders shaking and vision blurred with tears as his father roars at the nurses to do something, to bring her back, the clatter of hospital equipment being thrown filling his senses.

It is coming home to a silent house which feels larger and quieter than ever and curling up in his mother’s closet, the faint scent of her perfume almost imperceptible. It is a silent, lonely Mother’s day spent avoiding his father, the absence of his mother unbearably suffocating. It is as if his family is drifting apart at sea, their anchor lost in the briny depths.

It is his eleventh birthday, his first without his mother; there is no cake, no celebration, not even an acknowledgement from his father. It’s his bottom lip quavering as he tries to hold back tears at the kitchen table, his father hunched over the uneaten pasta that Rose has made. It’s Rafe being unable to stomach a bite of his dinner, blurting out, “I wish Mom were here.” It’s Ward slowly turning his gaze towards Rafe, his cold stare glacial as he slowly says, “Do not ever talk about your mother again.” It’s Rafe nodding, a pit of dread gnawing in his stomach as he takes a bite of Rose’s pasta, tasting nothing but bitter shame. There are no birthday wishes except for his own futile hope that his mother will come back and hold him, stroke his hair and tell him that she loves him more than the world itself.

It’s fourteen and Rafe has long since discovered that playing the piano will turn his father into a hostile man. He has given up speaking French and Portuguese in fear that his Ward will turn to him, his eyes flashing, with anger in his voice and brutality in his fists. It is coming home from school and calling out for his mother for just a split second, until the realization that she is gone hits him like a punch to his stomach, his heart sinking and tears burning his throat. It is taking a shaky breath, remembering that his father does not like it when he cries, and shoving his grief into some unknown corner deep within his heart.

It is fifteen and sitting numbly in his navy suit watching Ward and Rose recite vows, holding each others hands. Somewhere deep inside of him, Rafe despises his mother for leaving him behind and breaking his family, and he hates himself even more for these treacherous thoughts.

It is seventeen and days will pass before he thinks of his mother, and he realizes that he has forgotten the exact shade of brown of her eyes, that he cannot remember the sound of her laughter bouncing around the bright kitchen anymore, and he is overwhelmed with guilt and fear. Sometimes he sits at the piano bench, his fingers itching to pour out the music inside of him, and it is in these moments that he is faintly able to recall the feeling of her hair brushing his shoulders as she sat next to him, the lilt in her voice when she called his name.

It is now and he is slowly unlearning what his father has taught him; he is able to differentiate between fear and respect, is able to sit with his feelings. When Rafe is with you, he is able to remember what love feels like. It is your gentle smile in the morning and quiet reassurances at night. It is feeling adequate, enough, sufficient. It is conquering his fear of facing his emotions, it is being able to cry properly for the first time in your arms as you stroke his hair. It is sobbing so hard that he cannot breathe, the ache in his chest dissipating as he sheds his sorrows, knowing that you will sit with him as long as he needs. It is learning to love himself as much as you love him, more than the moon and the stars, more than the world itself.

#rafe cameron #rafe fanfiction #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x reader #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron headcanons #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron blurb #rafe x y/n #rafe x you #obx #jjasewrites

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harrypotterandthefandomaccount · 1 year

Text

in a new body

pairing: draco malfoy x fem!insecure!reader (enemies to friends and maybe lovers, but not stated)

request: imagine being insecure about your stomach because of draco then he gets to know you and makes you feel more comfortable in your skin? please

warnings: body-hatred, insecurity of body, body dysmorphia(?), honestly just hating one's body

notes: this one hit home, just cried to my therapist last week about this! haha! live, laugh, love!

you hated draco malfoy.

actually, hate is a strong word; you extremely disliked draco malfoy. he believed he was better than everyone else with his stupid face, his stupid slytherin family history, his stupid rich background, and his stupid cruelty towards you.

draco malfoy was stupid and you highly disliked him.

for years, you had received as much torment as harry potter from draco malfoy due to your weight, especially your stomach. you'd be the laughing stock of malfoy and the rest of his slytherin gang, no matter how many times ginny weasley and hermione granger would tell you, "don't pay that evil little cockroach any mind."

you wish you could say the same thing to the voice in your head, screaming at you to do those ab workouts, to not eat as much during the school meals. you wish you could just flip a switch, that draco would stop asking you how many pounds you put on just from breakfast alone, or if you had any trouble fitting into your skirt that morning.

"or you can just sock him in the throat," mentioned ron, mouth full of food.

"you wanna do it for me?" you asked back, an eyebrow raised. ron shook his head and went back to his plate.

hermione sighed beside you, "why not bring it up to dumbledore? or even snape? they should hear the vile things he says to you."

you shrugged, "i don't know, i don't think it's worth it, honestly. that might just make him come at me more and at the moment, i cannot handle that." you tried to laugh at the end, but it came out struggled.

ron gave a smile across from you, mouth full of food, "at least you're not harry, fighting draco constantly to see who the heir of slytherin is."

harry's face turned red, "ron, please, can we not?"

you gave a quiet laugh, "i actually appreciated that ron, thank you." harry groaned beside the redhead.

ginny was about to comment until you heard the goblin voice of draco malfoy himself directly behind you, "hey, y/n, walk any steps today to shed off some pounds? looks like you need to."

hermione glared at draco, "how dare you speak to her, or anyone, like that! you are utterly repulsive!"

draco glanced around the table, "granger, when?"

hermione shot him a look, "when what?"

draco snickered, "did i ask? but seriously y/n, give your legs a break from carrying all that!" and with that, he walked away, proud of himself as he pounded knuckles with crabbe and goyle.

ron and harry stood up, ready to lunge at draco before you gave them a look, shaking your head.

you bit your lip, "suddenly not hungry anymore. um, i think i'm gonna head up to the dorms. see you guys later?"

before anyone could disagree, you stood up from the benches and made your way out of the great hall, running into fred and george who quickly noticed your watery eyes.

"you alright there, y/n?" fred asked, and you nodded quickly, "yes, i'm fine but i have to go - study. goodbye."

the twins looked at one another, and then at your retreating form, "y/n, are you sure-" their question dropped as you continued on.

and with that, the twins were left dumbfounded until they were informed by their friends, brother, and sister.

not long after that incident, draco left you alone, making you and your friends become very suspicious, as if malfoy had a trick up his sleeve. but shockingly, he didn't, and he continued to not talk to you until potions class.

when professor snape decided partnering up different classmates was a great idea, and you two ended up together. he had wandered over to your desk, sitting beside you.

he smirked, "y/n."

you nodded, "listen, just let me do this potion so we can get a decent grade and then you can go back to torturing me, ok? unless you want your grade to suffer?"

draco stayed quiet, somewhat taken aback by your words, "i can help, you know, might as well make sure someone like you doesn't screw it up."

you looked up from the textbook, "someone like me? right, because i'm so repulsive to look at, draco. thank you for the reminder, i'll make sure to dedicate my next workout to you, you git."

with tears on the verge of falling, you grabbed your textbook and hastily walked out the room, professor snape yelling, "and two weeks worth of detention for you, miss l/n!"

you flipped him off right outside the classroom, somewhat bummed and relieved at the same time that he didn't see it.

draco was stunned, simple as that. he knew he was a jerk, a total asshole, but to him, it was pure fun. there was no harm - at least to him. but now, as he sat in potions class, noticing how all eyes were on him, he came to the realization that there was harm done.

draco never actually thought you were heavy or overweight, or even ugly; by merlin no, he thought you were so pretty. yet, he wanted to slap himself as that was no excuse to bully her until she cried - no, he knew that was the wrong way to go about it.

so then why did he do it? he hated that stupid saying that guys bullied girls because they liked them, but draco wondered if that were true in his case. or if he just didn't want to acknowledge his feelings for you.

he pondered the rest of potions class, speechless as to why he thought making fun of your weight was any excuse to talk to you. all he did was hurt you so deeply, cut wounds into your being.

draco knew he was an asshole, and knew he messed up. so how does he apologize?

apologizing was not his strong suit as he never needed to; well, at least to anyone besides his parents. why apologize to anyone else if nobody was as important as them? oh, but you were. you were so full of life and jokes, so kind to him when you all arrived as first-years, yet he has always been so cruel to you. was draco seriously this foreign to kindness that he decided the easiest way to reciprocate was to be mean?

yeah, i guess so.

draco stood up, his chair screeching against the floor. everyone looked at him and draco glanced to snape, "i've got to go." and with that, he was gone, leaving everyone with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

hermione looked to ron, "where do you think he's going?"

ron shrugged, "beats me. maybe thinking of new insults to hurl at y/n. it's been a while."

hermione sighed and shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, "i wanna go look for her, ron."

harry heard her and shook his head, "bad idea; i think snape might lose it if one more person leaves or even raises their hand."

severus snape was indeed distraught at the behavior that was taking place in his classroom.

but he was not as taken aback as you were now in the astronomy tower.

why had it taken all up until now for you to snap? to even come back at him with something as much as anger? draco deserved to be yelled at, to be slapped, to be, as ron said, "socked in the throat."

you wiped your tears, sitting on the concrete floor as sobs racked your shoulders again. a few owls surrounded and flew around the tower as you whispered, "i hate my body. i have so much hatred for this fat, the way i look, the way i feel. i hate it." you sobbed, feeling the tears slip down your cheeks.

you let out a shaky breath, looking in your bag to grab a tissue before snot became your worst enemy. you wiped your nose, wrinkling it at the feeling before you sighed. you sniffled, tears filling your eyes again.

"i'm sorry."

you jumped, looking around for the source of the voice until you saw draco shuffle out of the darkness by the concrete wall.

you scoffed, "ugh, merlin! go away, malfoy. you're the last person i want to see right now, if you haven't caught on."

he kicked against the floor, "i deserve that."

"and i deserved your bullying, too, right?"

draco glanced to you, shaking his head even though yours had turned back around. he stepped closer, "no, no, you didn't. i'm... i'm a git, you're right."

you sniffled, looking to him as he sat beside you. you grumbled, "took you long enough."

draco huffed a laugh, "it did. and you can still hate me after this, but i truly am sorry. you didn't deserve what i said and did to you, and i can't imagine how you must feel."

silence enveloped between the both of you until he continued, "i heard what you said earlier, about your body."

your eyes had been closed, and you hummed, "not exactly a shocker."

"because of what i said? no, it's not, and i'm sorry again."

you held up a hand, looking at him, "draco."

draco looked you in the eyes, "y/n."

you gave a slight laugh, "it's okay, i forgive you."

draco nodded, "i'm sorry for making you feel so shitty about yourself. nobody deserves to feel that way, especially you, because you were nothing but kind to me and i treated you terribly."

you smiled softly at him, "you did, but you're apologizing now. my issues i can deal with on my own, but you took the time to apologize now so i'm grateful for that."

draco was stunned, a frown on his face, "how are you kind to me right now? i was terrible to you!"

you gave him side-eye, "i said terrible shit about you in my head, so i figured i should be nice."

the two of you laughed loudly at that comment, draco's eyes crinkling. as it died down, he rested a hand on the back of your head. he turned you towards him, "you're beautiful. truly stunning, y/n. i'm sorry i said those things about you."

you gave a small smile as tears welled in your eyes, "thank you draco, it's okay."

draco leaned back on his one hand, the other still in your hair, "can i help you in any way? to help you love yourself and your body?"

you were shocked to the core at his words this entire time, but now your eyes were just popping out of your head. you stumbled, "oh - no, no, i don't think so. it's just something i need to learn, y'know, to love my body. it's just...hard."

draco nodded and he smiled, "i have an idea."

your face drained of color, worried this might have been a joke all along. draco continued, "instead of insults, i'll give you compliments throughout the day. maybe that can help?"

this draco was so sweet compared to the old one; you suddenly had the urge to just grab his cheeks and go on about how sweet he was. this was such a turn of events.

"then," draco went on, "you wont want to be in a new body."

you smiled, "that sounds like a great idea, draco. thank you."

draco's cheeks flushed, "yeah, not a problem, it's whatever."

maybe during this new change in events, draco and yourself can figure out how to deal with the pounding in your chests.

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sleepis4theweak · 8 months

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Help-

(It's me again, with the anxiety n stuff)

So sorry I'm making such a big deal out of this but right after that lil talk I had with my mom, she started saying that if it's that bad that I'll I won't need a psychologist, but she's gonna slap me/beat me until I get my head straight

Like, I get that it was *probably* a joke

Or probably not, cuz nothing has stopped the before but still-

Not the best thing you could say to your child

(Plus a lil rant connected to this; she also said that I'd I'm really anxious that that's gonna be a problem if I plan to work at the family shop because I need to talk and interact with ppl, and I know that. I always thought ab that when they say that I could work at the family shop next year, and I gaslight myself into thinking that my anxiety will just disappear away, and I do kinda believe that. If I just force myself out more, maybe I'll actually enjoy it? Idk)

And sorry that I'm basically using you as a therapist rn

Lmao its okay dw-

Also you are not making a big deal out of this! That's seriously something she should not be saying or doing- even if she tries to frame it as a joke.

(Yeah the family shop thing would definitely be nerve wracking. But you could always ease into it? That's part of what my therapist helped me do. Had me make a list of things that made me nervous on different levels. Like number 1 was I think asking someone for a pencil or something? And number 10 was messing something up on purpose. Then we worked through the list. So I practiced asking people things and then the next week I practiced like... ordering drinks at Starbucks I think? It was slower and helped a lot!)

#answered asks #<3 <3 <3 #tw anxiety #tw child abuse #<-just in case :)#<33333

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hangmanbradshaw · 4 months

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Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

💖 What made you start writing?

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

omg you hit me with a challenge, I love it! Okay.

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? So many. Throwing in humor is my fave thing, but recently I was re-reading IWTBY and laughing at the scene where Bradley and Jake are spying on Mav and Ice's date like the worst spies in history.

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately? I do not! I have to have total quiet to write, but I listen to so much music as inspo for when I am writing later. Right now I'm listening to TS as always (current song I'm obsessed with is I Almost Do) and Got Me Started by Troye Sivan thanks to ABY.

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped? A couple. Started an ABY themed fic a few months ago that I might rework. A witch one. The baseball/football philly one that turned into IWTBY instead.

💖 What made you start writing?

I've always LOVED stories, like annoyingly good at guessing movies/books cuz I love how they're crafted and I just have an eye for it I guess? Anyways I never thought I could write, but my therapist recommended art therapy in some form and I thought, well, I'll try? And I wrote my mummy AU so fast and fell in love with it immediately. Here I am.

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

unhappy ending, major character death

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

hehehehhee here you go:

His heart jumped into his throat, but he forced a smirk and said, “Me? I’m not the one torpedo-ing through a damn crowded bar.” He gave the man a long, hard look. He was just as hot as he remembered, maybe even more. He had on some ridiculous jorts and sneakers, and draped over his torso was the ugliest palm tree hawaiian shirt he’d ever seen. He raised an eyebrow as he asked, “What, gotta get to the Hawaii Five-O Convention?”

“Funny.”

“Bloody.”

The guy furrowed his eyebrows and said, “No, I said funny.”

“No.” He said with a roll of his eyes as he gestured at the side of the hawaiian monstrosity where a deep red was spreading. “You’re bleeding. What did you do, get attacked by a shark?”

“Oh.” Brown eyes blinked down at his side like he was just now realizing he was bleeding. He lifted the edge of his shirt up, and Jake tried not to salivate over the sliver of toned abs and happy trail that poked out, instead focusing his attention on the gash on the man’s side, over the cut of his hip. “Well, look at that.”

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

I very intentionally connect my worlds lmao but I realized recently I unintentionally use the phrase 'takes one to know one' in like....most of them lmao.

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

That's the dream, isn't it? Imposter syndrome still says I can't, but hell maybe I should try? Won't know if I don't. (If I could write all day I'd be in literal heaven. It's seriously my fave thing)

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

in little ways. my twister au when they're getting divorced hurt ugh. parts of iwtby or even tree farm when they're broken up.

#ask games #woo that was long sorry! haha

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mental-health-advice · 1 year

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Alr, idk how we will solve the tag issue yet as we are very many alters so separate accs may not work but at least I can bring this up now knowing I didnt before!

--- Warning for talk ab delusions, kidnapping, Family abuse and stuff like that ---

Basically we did get emotionally, psychologically and probably more abused and in childhood before we even understood it was abuse we sometimes would think "well that cant be MY parent" bc of it. At age 8(?) We found out our dad isn't our biological dad.

After that I know we repeatedly thought we must have been switched at birth, kidnapped at birth or something else bc no way in hell could we be related to our mother. This went as far as us episodically actually being full on believing that she isnt our mother and often we were tempted to look through documents or go to the hospital we were born at to ask.

Note that our youngest half sister literally looks like a carbon copy of the body at her age. Like we literally have evidence we a re e related but we still keep believing she must have taken us.

The past days it was bad again, as I'm typing this I'm more in reality again but it's scary to think that any morning I could wake up believing that our mother is a kidnapper or that we were switched at birth or that none of our family actually are our family etc

I tried looking into it eatlier.

Most I found was new mothers suffering from delusions ab their babies being switched at birth and people having delusions that their families got replaced by clones (which,, I probably should have waited to read when I was more fully grounded rather than still half gone bc that makes me uncertain ab our abusive younger brother bc he cant have become that bad for jo reason etc)

Idk how to bring this up to our psychiatrist and therapist without them starting to think the entire system is just a delusion or hallucination as well :(

-- Crepe (☆)

Hey there,

This sounds to be a really scary predicament to be in. I guess in the situations that you feel as though you have been kidnapped or swapped at birth, just try to reassure yourself that these are just feelings and not necessarily the truth. Try to ground yourself, focus on your breathing and surroundings, remind yourself that you are in the here and now.

I am so sorry that you have been through so much abuse in your life and from such an early age as well. I want you to know though that sometimes remembering these abuse episodes or situations I guess you could call them, can be a good thing and especially if you are remembering them bit by bit and not all at once. The reason I am saying this is because remembering things slowly can allow you to slowly heal from this past abuse with your psychiatrist and therapist. This will take time though and a lot of hard work and working through abuse may bring other things up as well, but keep in close contact and update your psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis and I know you can work through this at all your own paces. Of course though, it may be too soon to work on any abuse issues so please do talk to your psychiatrist and therapist first before starting anything!

Abuse can affect people differently and sometimes abuse can even run in families. For example, my Dad’s Dad (I cannot refer to him as anything more due to abuse I suffered from him) was sexually and emotionally abusive and the emotional abusiveness went down to my own Dad and his brother. This is not to say that abuse runs in everyone’s family but it is possible. So I guess what I am trying to say that maybe your younger brother was also abused or the abusive side of things or what he saw happen to you made him think it was OK to abuse others in that same way. Just something to think about!

Back to the delusions now though and how you could bring this up with your therapy team! I think that what you wrote was really well said and so maybe writing something similar in a letter maybe helpful to share with them? It will help for them to better understand where you currently are and how best they can help you all right now with knowing that important information. Would you feel comfortable writing something down? If not, then just try to explain things as you have done on here. It’s OK to feel how you are, being confused or delusional at times. None of this is your fault, and none of this means that your entire system is just a delusion or hallucination and I think your psychiatrist and therapist will know that just from knowing you and your history and especially if you have been seeing them for a while. The horrible thing about DID is that sometimes things come up in pieces that don’t quite make complete sense, this is normal. So please don’t worry!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help support you guys in any other way!

I’m thinking of you all and hope you are all going as best as you can be!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #Crepe (☆)#DID #system #alters #abuse #delusions #halucination #psychiartist #therapist

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tootyfruities · 2 years

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answering earlier than expected bc of a random burst of energy? couldn’t be me 🤭 nah but i actually feel kinda sad™️ rn and u make me feel better so here i am 🤞but OMGKEJFJWBFHE WHERE DO I EVEN BEGINNNNN

youcore fr bc you’re so smart and cool bae ugh your mind is everything OMGMGMGMM you got me wanting to jump through the screen to gently hold shin but also gently hold you bc KDNSJDDKDN the storyline fits so well and like,,,, suits him if that makes sense???? i’m absolutely HERE for this letter writing arc and im so fuckin excited you have no idea <3 <3 <3 (might inspire to make more playlists too, just for u <3) even despite all this, I can still feel his dorky and soft self and I JUST

there’s this cute comic from @/loweater of toshi using asl w bakugou and eri and if i can find it i’ll tag you :) OH and his dad being his therapist and all the other details about his family wE LOVE TO SEE IT 🗣🗣🗣 (this moreso relates back to the blog which we’re gonna get into- but i remember you writing abt his (3?)pet cats so just a little idea there for u :>)

last thing darling!! please please please don’t feel pressured to reopen that blog or talk to me constantly. getting a little more personal in 3, 2, 1~ for the longest time when u took your hiatus, i felt so bad and guilty bc I thought I was the reason and I took so much of your time and energy and I admit and apologize for being way more emotionally dependent than I should’ve been. things have changed now and im doing a lot better! i love and care for u vv much so pls don’t beat yourself up over it ok <3

wait no sorry THIS is the last thing I swear 😭 i was actually gonna msg u a couple days ago bc i actually had a dream abt the voicemail thing- long story short,,,,, i think i called shin back the next day, we said hello and i unexpectedly (to him anyway) asked him a question abt his new pet fish…??? OK before u think i’m crazy;;; i think it was smth that he had rambled abt in the voicemail and i was asking abt it just to talk and exist freely before getting into the Other Much Needed To Be Discussed Topics.

okay i went like way overboard im sorry 💀 ily forever my darling mwah <3

I NEVER GOT THE NOTIFICATION FOR THIS IM SO SAD :(

UHM 1) i hope you're ok w me answering this publicly w the more personal info shared, if not lemme know and i will, idk delete this post? that being said! between my own terrible unmotivation and personal issues, plus yes maybe a little bit with the emotional dependence, it just felt hard to keep up with the blog. but you were never, ever ever ever, a Big Bad in my life, never. overwhelming sometimes, yeah(BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR IT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OUR FLAWS MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER). but when i made the decision to close the blog it was not "riri makes things hard :(" it was, "things are hard and i gotta focus on myself :(". i appreciate and abs accept your apology though you are so cool and i am so so happy knowing that you're doing better <3

a bit of an extension on that;; i'm still deciding whether i wanna reopen the blog tbh. i've got a couple wips on there that i meant to finish but never did, plus small storylines i wanted to pursue thru shin's blogs that i can't exactly emulate thru I Am An Author Writing a Thing when it should be This Is A Guy Writing Stuff On His Tumblr Blog. plus publicly posting my writing is so rewarding to me :}

2) PLEASE DO JUMP THRU THE SCREEN and gently hold me n shin - woahoah we would both love that methinks. grrrr. i love you so much riri. no amount of poetic words can convey how much i love and adore you TRULY. you are a light in my life, i am happy and ready to have room in my life for you again :) <3

3) YOU DREAMED ABT IT AJFNNE. shin getting a fish... that would def clash with his, yes, 3 kitty cats. but also a calm pet that doesn't require love and affection? holy crap i shoulda considered it, that'd be way fitting for them,,, if not for the fact that fish are Slimy and shin likes Fluffy. in an alternate world where cats hadn't already stolen their heart, i can easily imagine shin getting into fish and maybe even lizards. he's got the range~

idk if i'm exactly gonna write what was said in the voicemail cos i wanted to leave that up to your interpretation, and tbh i'm GLAD for that cos your interpretation is great. muahaha

ilyilyily going to check out the mecore link now muah <3

#riri tag omg

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troglobite · 2 years

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okay i am loath to admit this to any medical or psychological professional in my life but i do feel i need to say

my therapist asked me how i’m doing w having received an Official Diagnosis for hEDS, and now having MCAS too (which hasn’t been Officially Diagnosed but like honestly, we’re fully on the right track here, and it takes like a skin sample to test to prove it)

and my answer to her was kind of funny but true

i’m VERY happy--honestly normal for anyone trying to get a difficult diagnosis who’s known they might have it, etc.

but i’m also feeling like the 12 year olds all of us are looking at like “....i am. so happy for you. [quietly seething but not in the 12 year old’s direction]”

y’know what i mean? i KNOW ppl have taken YEARSSSSSS to get an EDS diagnosis even though it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS bc they had an even more serious type of it! drs who wouldn’t get them a genetic test even though other family members had it--or worse, other family members definitely had it but had never been diagnosed, so they were like “well no one in your family had it so i won’t test you” like dO YOU NOT SEE THE PROBLEM YOU’RE PERPETUATING HERE?!

anyway.

so point being i feel like the 12 year old going around talking abt how their parents have tried out 3 pronoun sets for them, how they’ve changed their name four times, how all their friends are queer, etc., and wearing like badges and pins on their bags in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

with all of the adults looking at the 12 year old like--heartwarmingly happy that it’s possible &that this child isn’t suffering, but also so so so bitter that it couldn’t happen for them.

so that was the answer i gave her

and it is TRUE. i do feel that way. i sometimes feel that way re: queer and trans stuff, too. i was never beaten up or anything and i just avoid coming out to ppl who won’t take it well, or i keep them out of my life--and i have the privilege of doing that, y’know? and for the most part ppl have been chill abt my pronouns. mostly.

so anyway that’s the Big part of it.

the other part of it that i haven’t voice aloud is....

this diagnosis is satiating a very weird childhood thought/feeling/urge/desire of mine that i haven’t thought abt in a long time.

i think it also kind of happened when i realized i was autistic.

basically--

i feel vindication and joy and a thrill at there being something...idk any better way to say it. something “kind of wrong with me”. just a little bit.

y’know what maybe i should talk abt this in therapy bc this could probably be related to uhhhhh--....well a lot of things. succinctly: thinking i don’t deserve positive love attn and support most of the time.

so having something diagnosed about it is like HA-HA! I HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON TO ASK FOR SUPPORT AND ATTENTION!

there’s also this weird thing of like

oh i do get to complain abt my body hurting! and that matters! and it’s not an embarrassing thing of me just ~being out of shape~ or ~doing something wrong~ or whatever! like

something is just WRONG with my body’s collagen! like it don’t work right!

and so both autism and hEDS (and also MCAS) are like--

no, no. you ARE miserable ALL THE FUCKING TIME. and you ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. and that’s fine. and like we [diagnoses] can point at all of this stuff for you and be like “no yeah, it’s actually legit, i promise”

i’m sure this will wear off bc it has for autism. or at least i’ve hit a different wall w being autistic.

but idk i just have this THRILL of being like. no something is wrong w me but not in a scary way, so i can just. have attn and support abt it.

i feel weird and guilty for feeling this way but as i’ve recently discovered, i have MANY unresolved and unexamined issues around this sort of thing. and i imagine it’s not all that uncommon.

also though i’m fully aware that even with diagnoses most people don’t get the respect or support or concern or empathy and compassion that they would deserve even without diagnoses.

it’s just an internal thing for me. it’s a weird--okay i feel like i’ve read abt other ppl having this fantasy as a kid.

like breaking an arm and getting all the attention in the classroom. some kids lowkey fantasize abt that, right? i was one of them.

and this kind of. scratches that itch in a way.

so this is where i’m currently at with Processing It All.

and mostly what i’ve done is just recommend my dr to ANYONE in the area who needs help w any type of EDS or MCAS or even POTS (which i don’t have) bc i want to just make sure everyone can get a diagnosis and speak with a dr who is as proactive, respectful, helpful, kind, generous, and knowledgeable as this woman i’m seeing now.

like i truly cannot overstate how amazing and helpful she’s been, and i’ve only had 3 appt with her.

ANYWAY so that’s it. i just wanted to. put these feelings somewhere and think abt them out loud. i haven’t been able to talk abt it with my mom & the fear abt sharing this w anyone in certain positions in my life is like--i don’t want them to think i’ve somehow faked this, y’know?

although it’s p fucking hard to fake a 7/9 on the beighton scale with several other points in favor of hEDS as well as a “variant of uncertain significance” on a gene that codes for collagen so like lololol

ANYWAY

me, hunched over my laptop bc my stomach’s upset so i got to sit up straight and my shoulder pops and my upper back sounds like bubble wrap lolololol

ANYWAY

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xi218 · 6 months

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୨୧ goals ୨୧

Physical: working on being sober, ab workout routine, getting into bed earlier, not snacking so much, wearing the clothes you're saving for a "special occasion", trying out new looks and clothes, venturing out new styles, upgrading your basic hygiene routine, drink more water

Mental: journaling daily (or near daily..), decorating pages, keeping track of emotions both negative and positive and what triggers them. Get rid of the negative triggers and bring in more of the positive triggers.

Emotional: getting in touch with a therapist, dedicating a journal to release you emotions instead of bottling them in, interpret dreams, talking to friends when things upset me

Professional: working 1 hour more than usual, dont wake up and finish work before class

Personal: find your old hobbies (crochet), discover new ones (shirt making 👀), trying new food even if im nervous, complimenting people out loud, making an effort to hang out with friends when opportunities present themselves, limit youtube time

Finance: learn how to budget, no impulse spending, watch videos about making money with art and follow through

Important habits to have: waking up and going to bed early, using planner, having a morning and night routine but the freedom to change it/ leniency with myself if i dont stick to it

Important skills to build: how to communicate my own needs, learn what the line is between sharing and dumping (rather than choosing to bottle everything ive ever felt lol)

schedule ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ੈ♡‧₊˚

So you've picked your goals. Great. Now take a look at your schedule and figure out what things are taking up most of your time. Is it a long commute? Spending too much time scrolling on your phone? Waking up late? Going to bed late?

୨୧ time blocking / schedule:

☆ Mornings:

5-6am: exercise

6-7am: shower, get ready for class / library

7:30-8am: library for breakfast, get ready for the day

~class~

☆ Evenings:

get back from class, shower immediately, change into pajamas

eat dinner

finish homework

plan the next day, journal, go to bed

Assess how you spend your time and utilize it. Instead of scrolling on your phone during your free time, spend time with your loved ones (pets, kids, partner), instead of staying in one place while you're on a call, walk around to get steps in, there is always a way to implement your goals into your daily life.

Notice how I say fit your goals around your life. You don't want to be taking away important things like errands, jobs, school, being a parent just meet your goals- no. Use your time wisely. That's all. You can fit them.

On the larger goals like taking up a class/large skill, like dancing and painting. On fridays, you'll have dance class and on other days that you have free, you'll be painting a piece or reading your anticipated book, learning a language, trying out a new recipe, planning the next day, taking a spontaneous art class, etc!

Weekends.

Because I work a lot, I like to use weekends to really do deep work. Intensive study sessions. And because I deep work (work with no distractions) I don't need to study all day. I'm getting so much done in little time that I'll be done by the afternoon and I can go out and do errands, get all dressed up and have a nice day out in the city, or just have a relaxing day by doing chores, watching a nice movie and more!

3. Setting up a system so you can actually stick to those goals.

Keep a journal to keep track of what you did today. If you didn't reach a goal that day (and that's okay), ask yourself why? and how does it make you feel? Then take action on what you can do to reach it tomorrow.

i think post its in planner should be effective

Switching. We all know it’s best to not push yourself so hard. For example, don’t do intense exercise everyday. Walking and dancing throughout the day counts as exercise too, so by switching (depending on YOUR goals), you’ll have time for your other goals as well. Here is an example: on a rest day of no exercising, maybe that day is the night I have a ballet class. That is exercise as well. So instead of exercising in the very early hours of my day, I can use that time instead to do more studying OR have more time doing something else.

which means I can do one do the following: spend more time with my pet, read a few pages of my book, make a new recipe, etc.

Ex. 4am-5am - on a no-exercise day, i can study during that time instead. 6am-7am - more time to tackle my other goals.

Create a foundation. If you have an amazing day, felt very productive and accomplished, what's a habit that really helped? if you had an off day, figure out why and maybe your foundation can help.

★ That’s all!

#100dayswithddd

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notaboynotagirljustalilbaby · 8 months

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Im.. not quite nonverbal rn, but it feels like talking just isn't an option? I've felt like this since I woke up and I HAVE spoken to the cat and to my mom, and I drove to the [public transit] station just fine but with the voice thing and feeling a bit floaty and being... not quite small last night, but kind of nearish it at points(?) last night.. idk.

Just feel weird, and I regressed after a bad dream on Sunday and my regression tends to be.. clustered? In a sense? Like I'm more likely to regress if I have recently.

---

I was texting my friend, [i can't find a tag for him but I've referred to him as 'penpal friend' before so ig I'll use that and edit/update later if i find that hes labeled as something else on here], when I regressed on Sunday and we set up a code a few months ago to let him know if I was small/smallish because cursing makes me really uncomfortable when I'm small (makes me feel bad-vulnurable, unsafe, just overall yucky), but I literally could not care less about it when I'm big abs regularly curse myself. All that to say that I sent the code (code bc saying it can be hard sometimes and also it doesn't have to be part of the conversation, I just.. need it to shape the conversation a bit, yk?) and he acknowledged the code and we kept chatting.. and then he cursed in one of his messages and I was feeling a bit bigger by then but it still felt a bit 'wrong' and he didn't know I was getting bigger so if nothing else.. the principle of it felt a bit like a betrayal, in a sense?

I brought it up to him the next day when I was firmly adult and brainstormed some ways to hopefully stop it from happening again. And he apologized and hadn't even realized he'd done it (partially bc he was sick at the time) - and I knew he wouldn't have done it on purpose and probably hadn't realized (but that doesn't mean I should let a boundary get crossed without bringing it up once I'm able)... and part of all of this was me realizing that we had a way of communicating when I'm small but nothing to say when I was big again. So now the single emoji I was using to indicate being regressed (🐤) has officially expanded to a spectrum, with any of these 🥚🐣🐥🐤 meaning I'm small or close to it (specific, detailed meanings haven't been assigned to each, but the eggs are basically me going 'hey I'm real teeny rn' and the chicks are a more general little/ish).. and probably most importantly, 🐓 to indicate once I'm confidently big again.

I haven't had cause to use any of them, but I considered it last night when I was feeling pretty close to small - except I realized that we weren't even texting right then, and it's not like the goal is to tell him every time I feel little, the goal is so he knows -when we ARE talking- that he's talking to a kid!

And I think it's important for me to remember that, especially when I am little. It's one thing if I'm little AND decide I want to talk to him, but there's no reason to tell him I'm small just cause. It's important I remember that he's not my caregiver, just a friend who is willing to accommodate me when I'm vulnerable.

---

Also, while I'm here, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I finally told my therapist I regress! That happened.. probably 2 months ago or something, now? But it's a big step for me because I've never told a therapist before.. or really anyone who I wasn't really close to.* I've been seeing this therapist for awhile now (over a year), but we only meet every 3-4 weeks, so it doesn't always feel like it. Anyway, he was chill about it, and asked what age.. and I was embarrassed so I told him like, young toddler, I think? 2 or 3, probably, idr exactly. Which, it's not untrue, but I definitely get firmly 'baby' fairly often when I regress. Probably more often than toddler/young kid. Maybe I'll open up about it more at some point (it hasn't come up in a session since), but either way, I'm proud of myself for taking that first step!

*with maybe a few exceptions? Like, I wasn't necessarily super duper close with Roommates R and Red when they were told, but I was close with Roommate D and they were all close at the time and Roommate D knew it'd be safe to tell them bc they both regressed too... idr now what order who found out about who, or if I ever knew, but there was trust there, still.

Also I wouldn't have told Roommates B, C, and D as early as I did, if at all, if Roommate D hadn't asked me directly. I probably would've told Roommate B, at least, eventually though - especially when we decided to keep living together for a second (and later, third) year.

#penpal friend #roommate b #roommate c #roommate d #roommate r #roommate red #(all but penpal friend are just mentions but still)

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undercoverinparadise · 2 years

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More Tribulations Than Trials

It's been good so far. School, I mean.

I did totally terrible at my Physics evaluation today, but I got a 95 on my last one so that kind of cancels out. I was also terribly tired for some reason. I didn't do much during English and it doesn't matter since I'm probably not going to finish my homework for it, either. Even if I had a good enough essay draft to work with I probably still wouldn't feel motivated.

Ab Studies are great, too! I mean, we do interesting stuff. And I only have one project I haven't handed in, so far! I need to stay on top of this, this year.

I'm getting along with my peers, too. Though, maybe as not as much as I could be. I've always struggled with developing meaningful relationships and I think that might be because I honestly enjoy the casual, no-strings solidarity you create with one-off classmates and such. There's one girl, though, who may fit my criteria.

No boys, though. Or girls. Or anybody. That stuff doesn't interest me very much anyways.

Now that the initial excitement has worn off, school is really quite dull. In a positively boring way. The people I was excited to meet are no longer interesting to me and the classes I was eager to take are now overwhelming. And I can't sleep enough. How do I sleep enough?

And I'm ugly? Not in a bad way. I can just feel the oil on my skin and I hate being able to feel the way I look.

Band has been my saving grace. The second week of school is when I stopped being excited, though, and it's all band's fault. I got left out for my second class in a row due to possibly the negligence of others or even myself. Since then I wasted my own money and time and strength on that stupid Horn. It's not easy and all that keeps me motivated is that eagerness to learn and that deeply troubling complex I have that tells me that they're lucky to have me.

In my opinion, I have a skillset that is advantageous to them. Having a music-savvy person like myself on the French Horn is better than some person who can't even follow a tempo. No shade at anybody in particular.

The next thing that put me off was quite possibly her. She's nice. She's nice, I tell myself. She flirts with me and compliments me and thanks me and offers kind gestures. But she's not interesting. She talks like a coward and a quitter and I'd rather she'd just quit band than talk about how the Horn is a "fucked" instrument and repeat over and over again that she's not capable of it.

And maybe she hurt my feelings. I wasn't interested in her, romantically, I don't think. I think I wanted her to be interested in me, though. But she's not. She just flirts and hints and backs off when I ask, so not only do I feel stupid and confused but also I can't help but have my feelings affirmed. I need somebody with a backbone.

In my life, I mean.

So, when things finally collected themselves and I thought to myself; "Hey! I can play this piece." It came as a shock to find that no, I wouldn't be putting in my effort to play a reasonably written piece. A piece a could finally play! But I'm not here. I mean, I knew I wouldn't be, but I should be. I knew this would happen when I made the plans but it didn't matter.

And I don't have time to finish my English essay for tomorrow now that I write this, too. I'm going to finish this song and go to bed, I think.

It would be nice to have a therapist again, maybe, but preferably somebody who would talk to me. I couldn't stand sitting in that office in silence on the same side of the couch every second week with both feet flat on the floor. I wish my house was run by a woman, because then maybe she'd bitch about my emotions with me over a glass of wine.

But I don't need a wine aunt. I'm 15, I need a glass of water, a slap on the back from a person who shouldn't have to be here and a firm shove in the correct direction.

It's for the best, though. We all know how it went last time.

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itsalreadyinuse · 2 years

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I always get kinda sad on my birthday no matter how well I've been feeling before it. It's weird.

That's annoying because I was feeling pretty great.

So list of reasons to be grateful and proud of myself for achieving this year:

I love my major and I'm doing well in college;

I'm far enough on my course to be thinking about the theme of my monography;

I'm doing physical exercises look at that (my abs are getting so great ÙuÚ);

I used to be afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself if I lived alone, but living far from my parents during this last month I've realized that I'm actually a pretty functional adult, I should stop underestimating myself;

Oh! Now that we're all back on campus I'm having an actual social life talking with actual people! I'm so rusty and out of practice when it comes to having conversations, so it's still very energy consuming, but I'm actually really glad. Since by the time I was getting better from the darkest bits of my depression the pandemic happened, I've lost a lot of conexions and older friendships over the years. I was under the impression that I would never be able to build conexions again, but I'm starting to have hope that that's not the case. That's something that takes a enormous weight off of my shoulders;

I'm very close to getting a well paid internship, and as soon as I have financial freedom, I'll be able to discover even more things about myself that I haven't had the chance to discover yet.

It's a small list. There aren't a lot of items, but each one of them is so important to me. It's hard to remember that there was a time when I wasn't able to imagine a future, when I didn't wish for a future.

It's also funny to think that if you told my 15yo self that I would be where I am at this point in my life, the little overachiever would probably be very disappointed.

However, my 20yo me wouldn't believe that I did it. I've found a way out. I've found joy in life again and it's not perfect, or constant, or easy, but I'm actually here. I am fine and alive, so much more alive than I've ever thought it was possible at that point. I have dreams, and aspirations, and plans, and the courage to ask for help when I need it.

To my 20yo self, I see you, I understand the pain you're going through, I'm always going to love you and I'll try my best to give you the future you didn't think you could have. It's not your fault. Sometimes shit just happens and brains don't work like they're supposed to. I'm trying to be happy for us both, baby, and I hope to get better at being content with myself.

This was a nice exercise of seeing how far I've managed to come. I'm pretty content with my pace, and even if sometimes I get frustrated and wish for things to come faster, that's so much further than I was a while ago.

Maybe in a year I'll see this post again and see what changed and be happy for myself.

Because I deserve happiness, I do. I know I do.

So, happy 25 to myself!!! :D

That's a full quarter of a century!! May the next quarter be better!! I'm working on it!!

Now birthday selfie, since thinking about my realizations really gave me a self-esteem boost, who'd say?? (My therapist, actually)

#personal #tw depression

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harrystylesslutt · 2 years

Note

reader being a sex therapist and helping Harry figure out what he likes

Sex therapist

first one shot ab assisant!rry inspired by this ask!

warnings: swearing, bit of a pain kink, bit of a praise kink, sub!rry, rimming, oral (m receiving), fluff.

You walk out of your office and make your way to the reception. You furrow your eyebrows when you see the chair where harry your assistant usually sits, empty.

Right when you're about to get your phone out of your purse to call him, he bursts through the doors panting.

"I'm here! I-I'm fuck just gimme a second to catch my breath" he stutters, still panting. "geez what happened to you" you chuckle.

"m'so sorry- shit, you had no appointments today so I thought 'hey how about I go get myself some lunch' but turns out the place was-" you cut him off chuckling "calm down a bit yeah? it's fine. It's been dead in here this week anyway, probably loosing my touch".

He frowns "hey no, you're really good at what you do. I mean think of this as something good. A break. It's been crowded here for months, barely ever saw you come out of that office of yours, you were practically getting hogged by patients. So just relax yeah?" he flashes you a shy smile.

"hogged hm? jealous you never got your turn?" you smirk, slowly stepping closer to him watching him gulp and his shoudlers tense up at your words.

"c'mon don't get shy on me now" he clears his throat awkwardly "um 'm not- not shy " he stammers.

You chuckle and bite his lip at his nervousness "it'll be fun don't y'think? we're already here and bored".

Harry was going crazy in his head. Ever since you hired him as your assistant he developed a tiny well huge crush on you. And now here you were, standing so close to him casually asking him to talk about his sex life with you. Which was currently not really...active. He knows that this could get weird really fast considering he had feelings for you. He knows that he should just brush it off as a joke and say no. And that's why-

"yeah why not!" he says in an extremely high pitched voice. He widens his eyes and clears his throat "I mean sure that's c-cool"

You giggle at his awkwardness, finding it sorta cute. You were pretty excited about this. You could say that you had a pretty big crush on him too. You just loved how he always gets flustered when you compliment him. Or how cute he looks when he's trying to focus on something, eyebrows furrowed, lips pouted, always fidgeting with his glasses. You almost had a stroke when you saw him walk in your office for the job interview. At first you thought that he probably thought this was a model agency, and that he was in the wrong place. You barely even asked him a couple of questions before quickly telling him that he got the job. Which was a bit unprofessional on your side but oh well.

You lead harry to your office and close the door for privacy even though you were the only ones there. "have a seat" you smile at him before sitting in your chair.

"just so you know if you feel uncomfortable during the session just tell me okay? this is just for fun" you reassure him.

"yeah okay don't worry 'm fine" he nervously chuckles.

He watches her grab a note pad and a pen, clear her throat and lean back in her chair. "so harry, have you been sexually active recently?".

His breath hitches and he gulps. His cheeks were turning red and he started sweating. 'just breathe' he kept telling himself.

"well um, not- not really" you nod at his answer, writing something on your note pad "do you think that maybe there's something specific holding you back from exploring your sexual desires?" you ask him seriously.

He stammers a bit, scraching the back of his neck shyly "the thing is, I hadn't really been enjoying sex for a while", "and why is that? Is it about the partners or about the pleasure?"

He furrows his eyebrows a bit, licking his lips before answering "I think it's both. Haven't really found a partner I feel comfortable enough with to tell them what I...like"

"Interesting, what exactly would you want to try?" you accidentally smirk which makes him tense up. You didn't mean for it to come out this forward. You tried to remain as professional as you could. Which was harder than it seemed.

Harry was officially going to die. Even though he was sure you were being professional and just doing your job, he swore he saw you smirk. As if you were flirting with him. He quickly shakes the thought out of his head at how ridiculous he sounds. As if you could ever have feelings for him he scoffs in his head.

When he doesn't answer, you put your note pad away and walk towards him before sitting down on the couch next to him.

"What's making you so nervous harry?" you say in a hushed voice. He blushes at how close you are. "I-I um-" he stammers not knowing how to just flat out tell you that you're the reason he's heating up right now.

"Am I making you nervous?" you smirk brushing his curls away from his face. "What are you-" he gets cut off by the sudden rush he gets at your touch.

"Did anyone ever tell you how pretty you are" you whisper getting closer to him. He flashes you a shy smile and bites his lip "No" he leans his head a bit into the hand still resting on his cheek.

His eyes flicker down to your lips before looking back up into your eyes "Can I um- can I kiss you?" he whispers timidly.

"Please" you beg, closing your eyes when he cradles your face in his hands. He finally moves forward, gently pressing his lips against yours.

The kiss gets messy fast, he opens his mouth allowing your tongue to enter which makes him moan against your lips.

You quickly straddle him groaning when you feel his growing bulge under you. His hand goes to your thigh stroking it, and pulling you closer to him.

"fuck that feels good" he groans when your lips move down to his neck, pressing open mouthed kisses there.

You get too carried away with sucking, biting and licking his neck that you unconsciously grind your hips down onto his. His whimpers pull you back to reality.

"shit 'm sorry I took it too far" you whisper, your head still nuzzled in his neck. "no no it's fine, keep doing that please" he whines, craving your kisses again.

You hum at his answer and slowly start moving your hips again, the friction almost too good because of the lack of layers between your core and the bulge in his pants.

Your hands grab the hem of his t-shirt pulling on it "can I?" you ask to which he nods almost too eagerly. You pull away from him enough to take his shirt off throwing it somewhere in the room.

"Baby? Wanna make you feel good, tell me what you want don't be shy" you whisper in his ear, biting it gently causing him to let out another whimper.

"I- fuck" he pauses a bit and hides his face in his hands before speaking again a rushed "I want you to play with my hole".

"Look at me pretty boy wanna see you" You slowly move his hands away from his face "Is that what you were being so shy about?" he nods timidly.

You smile at him and stroke his cheek "That's so hot angel. Nothing embarrassing about that". He looks up at you muttering a low "really?"

You chuckle at how cute he is "yes really" you peck his lips repeatedly making him let out a loud giggle. "y'sure you wanna do this? Don't want you to feel pressured or anything".

He nods his head quickly "yes m'sure, been wanting this for a while. I really like you" he says and hides his face in your neck peppering kisses there.

"Yeah? I really like you too. Now c'mon let me get these pants off so I can give you the best orgasm of your life. How does that sound?" You whisper seductively, your words making him groan and bite your neck in response.

"Yes fuck yes, sounds really good" he stammers. You start kissing down his chest, stopping to wrap your lips around one of his nipples, your other hand pinching the other.

He moans loudly, surprised at how good it feels. "shit I didn't know I liked that" he whimpered which only made you suck harder.

"gonna discover many things with me pretty boy" you say finally pulling away from his nipples, trailing kisses down to the belt of his pants.

You palm him through his pants, already feeling how big he was. He groans "please" and throws his head back on the back of the couch.

Deciding to not make him wait any longer, you unzip his pants pulling them down his legs along with his boxers. You watch his hard cock slap against his lower stomach, the tip already leaking with pre cum.

He hisses at the feeling of the cold air in the room against his skin. "Fuck you're so big" you whispered more to yourself than to him which makes a cocky smirk appear on his face. Somehow he feels himself getting harder at your praise.

You wrap your hand around the base of his cock, slowly stroking it eliciting another groan from him. You bring your lips closer to his tip, pressing a gentle kiss there before wrapping your lips around it which makes his hand automatically go to your hair.

You suck on his tip, swirling your tongue around, one of your hands wrapped around the rest of his cock. "fuck your mouth feels so good wrapped around me baby" he pulls on your hair harder, the arousal between your legs practically dripping down your thighs.

You pull away from his cock making him whine at the loss of contact. "spread your legs f'me" you mutter. Once he does, you mumble "fuck me such a good boy f'me".

"Yeah m'your good boy. Just yours. Please please" he begs his eyes still closed. You press a gentle kiss on his hole to which he squirms.

"Relax H. S'just me." Harry couldn't even explain how excited he was. The woman he's been obsessed with for years was currently on her knees for him, ready to do anything he wanted. Yeah he was definitely in paradise.

You start tracing his hole with your tongue, teasing him a bit. "please don't tease me please-" you cut him off by finally plunging your tongue in, making him let out a high pitched moan.

"oh fucking hell, this feels so good more I need more please" he begs pulling his legs up a bit giving you better access. You start moving your tongue in and out, moaning against him sending vibrations through his whole body.

You scratch his thighs with your nails, enough to leave a mark. The pain turns him on even more and he can't stop himself from wrapping a hand around his hard leaking cock.

You look up at him and fasten the movements of your tongue at the sight of him stroking his cock. "This is embarrassing but I'm already close shit" he moans out.

You pull your tongue out to mutter "It's okay baby, want you to cum f'me, c'mon be a good boy" before putting it back in, using the same speed you were going at before.

Harry's hand fastens around his cock, his mouth hung open letting out strings of moans and profanities.

You bring you hand up to fondle his balls and that was all he needed before letting out a loud moan of your name and coming all over his stomach.

You wait till he fully rides out his orgasm to pull your tongue out and move your hand away. He leans back against the couch trying to catch his breath after the most mind blowing orgasm he ever had.

When he sees you getting up and walking away, panic washes over him and the first thing that pops into his head was 'did you regret this?'. His hand reaches out and catches your wrist pulling you back to him.

"where are you going?" he pouts and furrows his eyebrows in confusion when you chuckle. "Don't worry H, just wanna get you something to clean up yeah? I'll be right back" You lean down and press a quick kiss to his lips.

Once you return, you help him clean up and put his clothes back on to which he protested saying he wasn't done yet and he wanted to return the favor. "We have plenty of time for that okay? This is about you now" you said.

You ended up cuddling on the couch in your office, giggling with eachother and talking, until harry pinned you down and started tickling you pressing kisses all over your face.

Once your laughters died down, you were the first to speak up"how about we leave since the place is dead and go back to my place so we can watch some tv while cuddling and maybe do some other stuff too yeah?"

Harry looked at you with a big smile on his face showing his cute bunny teeth and his dimples "sounds like a dream".

Masterlist

A/N: okay so this took wayyy too many days to write and for what😭😭😭 anw hope u enjoyed this!

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harold styles #harry smut #harry styles x reader #harry styles is beautiful #harry styles prompt #harry styles concept #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles hslot #love on tour #hs3 #harry styles one direction

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allywritesforfun · 2 years

Text

Allywritesforfun Discord Server (Writers Only)

Explanation:

Hey everyone! More specifically writers for MCYT/DSMP (both c! and cc!) I am making a discord server for many reasons, the main one being for deleting requests. My anons have brought it to my attention that they want to know when their request is being deleted so that they can send it to other writers. Mine, and other writers', concerns are that their request will get lost in the mix or who they ask will not have the time and discourage them from requesting. My discord server has the intention of fixing this issue.

This server will help requests get written faster and actually written. It will also allow writers who do not get as many requests or are in a writer's block to write and post. It will help all writers get more fics out there and more people reading their work! Maybe the readers can find their new favorite author!

How to join:

This server is only for writers, not readers. Any writer is welcome, no matter their following or how long they have been around, as long as they do not go against the restrictions (listed below) If you would like to join, DM me (top right corner of my page) and give me some time to quick check your blog to see if you violate any restrictions

Restrictions:

1) Have to write for MCYT/DSMP

2) You can be a NSFW writer, but the server is SFW ONLY

No NSFW requests can be submitted

3) All of your current and future writing has to follow cc! boundaries (i will be checking)

If you are not sure of certain boundaries, check out @smp-boundaries

4) No racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, or anything along those lines

5) no emotion/trauma dumping. this is a safe environment and we are not therapists. please get help from hopeline or professional.

If any of these restrictions are broken, you will be removed immediately and not welcomed back

You’re in! Now what?

Once you are in, you have access to everything on the server. There are currently 8 chat rooms: “Selling Requests”, “General Chat”, “Ideas/Writing Help” , “People Who Play Minecraft Are Hot” , “i can’t fucking believe i’m making a fnaf channel” , “Side conversations” , “playlists and music” and “Introducing Yourself”.

General Chat- exactly what it is, feel free to discuss anything as long as it does not break restrictions

Ideas/Writing Help- Have a brain rot? Post it here! Not sure what the next line in your fic should be? Write it here!

People Who Play Minecraft Are Hot- We all just simp.

i cant fucking believe i’m making a fnaf channel- @smelted-applejuice won’t shut up ab how “hot” the animatronics are-especially glamrock-so i made it channel

side conversations- basically a second general that is not used very often. its only when someone wants to bring up a second topic that branches off of the general

playlists and music- so story time. I woke up and went to work one day, I come back and they fucking started making collaborative playlists (theyre @gray-moon2 ‘s). there's 2 main playlists. one for fluff one for angst and its meant to serve the purpose to get inspired for writing -I think- idk it was just there one day

Introduce Yourself- I would prefer that once you join that you write a little blurb about yourself, and it can include anything! I would recommend adding your preferred name, pronouns, and tumblr. This is a great place to meet new writers and make new mutuals!

I’ve gotten a request and want to delete it, what should I do?

1) Take a ss of the request and post it in “Selling Requests”

2) DO NOT delete the request in your inbox

3) Once someone takes the request and has written and posted it, answer the request in your inbox with the link to the written post!

I’ve found a request that I want to take, how do I accept it?

1) React to the ss posted in “Selling Requests” to indicate that you want to take it

2) There is no limit to the amount of writers who want to take the request

3) Write the request and post it on your blog

4) Create a notes section in the beginning of your post BEFORE THE CUT and say who originally got the request, that you got it from this server, and a link to the original blogs account

5) Then, the writer who originally got the request should answer their request with a link to your post

i would really appreciate it if everyone would reblog and spread the word! the more the merrier!

#allywritesforfun discord server

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luverofralts · 2 years

Text

Arkhelios University

Roman had poked his head out of the kitchen to see if Nathan had arrived so he and Ironman could judge if they had to delay putting dinner in the oven. Sure enough, Abe and his mother were talking to Nathan, and silently eyeing this potential new addition to the family. Abe looked pissed off and Nathan was smiling a smile that Roman could only describe as hollow. There was clearly something going on between Abe and his little brother.

Nathan said something that Roman couldn’t quite hear, and then led his boyfriend towards the living room with Elaine following him and rubbing her temples. Roman had a feeling that this family dinner was going to be one of their more interesting ones.

Roman watched as Lucy emerged from the living room, stifling a laugh but completely failing. She ran over to Abe and punched him playfully on the shoulder.

“Abe! Oh my god! Did you see who Nathan brought home? Did you see? I’m dying.”

Abe rolled his eyes at his sister.

“Yes, I saw,” he replied angrily. “Could you maybe not make this a big deal? I don’t want to piss off Roman. This doesn’t have to be a big deal, despite what you and Nathan think.”

Lucy ignored her brother, and continued giggling.

“Of course it is,” she laughed. “Which one was he again? The singer in that terrible band or the geek that was always playing chess by himself at three in the morning? Oh, was he the guy that juggled to try to impress you and we all had to pretend that he didn’t look like an idiot so that he wouldn’t cry?”

“Ha ha,” Abe grumbled. “You’re hilarious as always, Lucy. But seriously, don’t you think it’s weird that our brother is dating my ex? And he seems like he hates me on top of that. Do you think he’s doing this on purpose?”

Lucy shrugged.

“When you grow up here, it’s not uncommon to date people your friends or siblings have dated. You can’t tell Nathan what to do with someone he likes because you saw a guy first, Abe. Especially when you dated the entire male population of the university. God, you and Roman are so territorial about who you date. You should talk to his therapist about all this jealousy.”

“It wasn’t the entire school!” Abe insisted for what had to be the millionth time. “Stop laughing, Lucy. Our brother could be having a crisis.”

“So? What do you care?” she retorted, still giggling to herself. “Nathan and Nickolas literally lived in the walls and in hidden passages here growing up, and only came out for dinner. He didn’t have any real thoughts about Roman, so you ignored him to focus on your obsession. He was possessed by a powerful demon whose grandson you’re engaged to, and Mom had to put him in therapy because of it.”

“Oh.” Abe hadn’t thought of it that way before. He knew Lucy liked to tease him for being too focused on himself and his own problems, and he had spent her entire pregnancy oblivious to the fact that she was even pregnant. Maybe Nathan had a right to be angry with him after all.

“Plus, he’s pissed at both of us for forcing him to be the family heir,” Lucy noted blandly. “Mom’s extra hard on him now because you gave up your position for that same demon he’s already weird about. Why wouldn’t he resent you?”

“And you’re not concerned about him?” Abe asked incredulously. “He’s our brother.”

“That’s nice of you to finally notice,” Lucy laughed. “But no, Nathan can look after himself. He always has.You’re the brother I have to rescue from himself at least once a week. Nathan will be fine.”

Abe stormed off, intent on finding his brother to try to clear the air before Roman ventured out of the kitchen. He had no clue that Roman had already been intensely focused on the events in the hall. Lucy had spotted him though, and made her way towards him with false concern.

“Oh, Roman! Did you hear all that? I’m so sorry that Abe’s being difficult. You know how he gets when someone actually calls him out on something.”

“So that’s one of Abe’s exes?” Roman asked jealously. “That guy? You’re not serious. He looks like a lazy college frat boy. Abe picked him?”

“He was in a secret society, very hush hush,” Lucy informed him. “I’m sure he was only invited because one of his parents was a member though. He’s not very attractive, is he? He doesn’t look anything like you, I wonder what Abe saw in him?”

“I can’t imagine,” Roman muttered angrily.

Beside him, Lucy gasped theatrically.

“Uh, Roman? You seem to be a little...horny,” she pointed out, playing up her shock at this reaction. Honestly, he and Abe were so easy to rile up, it was barely a challenge anymore.

“What? Oh, sorry, that doesn’t usually happen,” Roman apologized quickly. He took a deep breath and counted to ten. His demonic therapist had given him exercises for times like this, exercises that he had been teaching Theo, with limited success. “Better?”

“Not quite,” Lucy replied. “It’s the eyes now. It’s okay, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. All those times when you were in your dorm, taking care of your young child, and Abe was out living wild with any guy he wanted...I could see how that could provoke an emotional response. To see this guy just walk through the door like nothing had happened with Abe. To see how Abe reacted to him. It’s-”

“You’re not exactly subtle, Lucy,” Roman replied, feeling with his hands to see if his dark form had receded. “Go bother Nathan. I’m not going to freak out and cause a scene just because you’re bored. Next time bring your fiancee if you need someone to play with.”

Lucy shrugged, dropping her exaggerated tone when she saw that it wasn’t provoking the response she’d hoped.

“Suit yourself,” she replied playfully. “Your eyes are still black by the way. It’s going to be an interesting dinner if you can’t get that under control. Especially since Nathan seems to have it out for Abe today. If you can’t handle a little teasing by me, how do you think it’s going to go with Nathan? You know Abe’s going to say something stupid in response to him, and Mom will never have another family dinner again.”

Roman paused, considering Lucy’s words carefully.

“You’re right,” he groaned. “Abe isn’t exactly great at defending himself without incriminating himself even worse. Do you think I can fake an emergency and leave? No one will care, right?”

“Don’t run away just because my brother is an idiot,” Lucy replied, shaking her head. “Just calm down. Relax. You’re an adult, I’m sure you can sit across from someone who seems intent on airing Abe’s dirty laundry over dinner without freaking out.”

Roman closed his eyes and tried his best to relax. He could do this. He had an example to set for his kids, and he couldn’t bear having Elaine be disappointed in him. Unlike Abe’s ex, Roman had earned his place in this family.

Just when he thought he was relaxed, a strange masculine voice drifted down the hallway, setting his thoughts on fire once again. That man had kissed Abe. He’d slept with Abe and didn’t even realize how lucky he’d been for Abe to have deemed him worthy to do that with. He’d put his hands on Roman’s fiance and was now touching Abe’s brother to poorly replicate the experience. He was hurting Abe’s feelings, making him feel cheap and worthless and-

Roman sighed. He could feel the familiar pull of his dark form ripping through him before Lucy could point it out.

“This isn’t going to work, is it?” he groaned with frustration. “What can I do? Your mom is going to kill me if I screw this up, and make Nathan even more pissed off at me and Abe.”

“I doubt Nathan’s going to be angry, humiliating Abe seems to be his goal here,” she noted. When Roman glared angrily back at her, she frowned. “Okay, okay. I’ll help. What about the necklace you got to match Theo’s? I mean, you bought two of them. Just grab yours and you’re fine.”

“You want me to sneak out unnoticed down the street to get a necklace I threw in one of my drawers?”

“You’d teleport, genius,” Lucy replied. “You really gave up on trying to focus your abilities so quickly? I thought you were working through it with your son as some kind of weird bonding experience.”

“I can’t teleport back from the house with it on,” Roman shot back. “And I plan on taking a course to work with the crystal, or getting a book or something. Magic has never been my strong suit, and Theo’s just a kid. I have lots of time.”

Lucy gave Roman a skeptical look.

“If you say so,” she said. “Well, if you can’t sneak back into this house like I know you’ve done multiple times without a problem, just borrow Theo’s necklace. He’s just a kid after all, and he’s set a lot of these rooms on fire over the years. If anything happens, you know my mom has fire extinguishers handy. Give him a night off from wearing it, and you’ll be dark form free. Problem solved.”

Lucy’s plan seemed simple, but effective. Abe would probably complain about letting Theo have an inch of freedom, but it was Abe’s fault that Roman was in this situation. He’d feel that same weird feeling that the necklace induced all night, but Elaine’s dinner would be saved.

Theo was ecstatic to share his necklace with his father. Roman had barely asked the question before Theo had turned around for his father to undo the clasp. It didn’t sit right with Roman to see his son so happy to be free of the one thing his parents were hoping would keep him safe. If there was any other option, Roman knew Abe would pursue it, but short of sending him away, the necklace was their only hope for Theo to control his abilities. Roman felt guilty about having to return the charm to his son later, but Theo needed it for protection, especially with Alex and hordes of school children pointing fingers at him for murder.

#sims 2 #arkhelios #arkhelios university #sim: Theo Bellamy #Roman Bellamy #Abe chun #lucy chun #nathan chun

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