#maybe it is depression or maybe it is so sucks disease but whatever it is.. it is my fucking enemy

[poptartmochi]

#prefacing this w the very handy #vent cw #negative cw #tags 🌄🍷 i will be a whiny bitch in this post beloveds 🧸😔 #that said. banging my head on the WALLLLLL. i feel like the most useless person alive #every time i think i am doing my job better i fuck up. i cannot do this job well consistently #i am no closer to achieving my actual career goals than i was 5 years ago #i do not have the energy‚ spoons‚ or time to get closer to achieving my career goals #everything that takes everyone else a few days to do at most takes me a few years #i wish i could pause time to do everything i need to do or alternatively drop dead. im so tired of being this way #and the worst part of being this way + being tired of it is that. i am just the blandest guy alive. nothing cool or exciting to talk about #to the family. i just continue fucking along. everybody else is moving forward and i am just stuck. the gap between us grows larger and #larger every day! it's like im a child except im 23. why! #i feel like my options are to get better or die 😑 and of course the second Isn't an option really so i just have to get better #but. 😔 it just feels impossible. i feel like i am running on a hard deficit of like. energy or willpower?? all the time #maybe it is depression or maybe it is so sucks disease but whatever it is.. it is my fucking enemy #sriracha.txt

[ystrike1]

Red Mansion - By Nanggaek (9/10)

Crime rings are so boring. We've all seen the same stale "gangster" settings before. This is a really dark crime webtoon. Both men are yanderes and the real evils of the story are landlords, debt, and exploitation. It kinda gets too real. The simmering evil is top tier.

Sungkyung, or "Mini Mart", runs Mini Mart number 3 in the Red Mansion complex. The Red Mansion isn't a collection of regular apartments. It's very cheap. Very old. Very moldy. Very populated by criminals and people in debt etc. Our protagonist gets robbed. He gets scammed. His store is a dirty joke, and there's constant fights in the halls.

Make no mistake.

The Red Mansion is a prison for the desperate poor.

Mini Mart is underweight. His little business barely makes any money. Most of the residents don't pay their tab. Mini Mart occasionally has to take dangerous side jobs to pay for his parents meds.

Mini Mart was BORN in the Red Mansion. His parents fell into debt when their business flopped. Their son has never known normalcy, or the luxury of safety.

He's also a total hottie under the grime and dirty hair, but that doesn’t matter when your life is debt.

They were loving parents, so Mini Mart feels compelled to care for them. Both parents have fallen victim to some mysterious disease. They won't eat and they just sleep in cots all day, covered in flies.

You may have already guessed the plot twist. It looks like his parents aren't really sick, by definition. They have lost the will to live in the Red Mansion. They were once a prosperous middle class couple. They've...given up, even though Mini Mart hasn't given up on them.

The Red Mansion is a family business. It's been making money off of people in debt for years. The second generation owner is the handsome Mr. Kwon. The younger of two brothers.

He's handsome and he's a scary gangster.

Mini Mart has a crush on him because....well...duh? Mr. Kwon is a well dressed and reasonably polite man who visits Mini Mart about once a week. He doesn't abuse Mini Mart.

By the way I'm calling him Mini Mart because Mr. Kwon doesn't know his name.

It's all very creepy. Mr. Kwon doesn't KNOW Mini Mart. He's not interested in Mini Mart..........but he totally is. Mr. Kwon has never slept with a man. He doesn't KNOW he has a crush on Mini Mart. He just shows up. He gives Mini Mart money. Gifts. He visits when he has lower thugs for that, and he's nice to Mini Mart. He also licks cheap lollipops while he stares at Mini Mart. Yeah definitely a dense closet Bi guy. Classic repressed alpha male. You get it.

Mini Mart has noticed the flirting. You see, he has an observation note book. Mr. Kwon is his only friend and his only crush. Mini Mart is super obsessed with him. He sort of figures out that Mr. Kwon is interested in him...in some way. Maybe it's pity. He's not sure, but he's willing to do anything. Mr. Kwon is literally the coolest, most handsome, richest, nicest person in his life.

Of course he's obsessed to an unhealthy degree. His visits are the one bright spot in Mini Mart's routine. He has to spend the rest of his time working and caring for his depressed parents.

Mini Mart is weird but he's a nice guy. He fights a bloody battle to get pills from a quack doctor for his parents. Mr. Kwon eventually sees the injuries. His "gifts" start to get bigger. He seems to like how "pathetic" Mini Mart is. That kinda sucks because Mini Mart is a resilient and kind hard worker. Who really doesn't deserve to be looked down upon for supporting his entire family but...whatever Mr. Kwon is done for.

Mr. Kwon kinda invites Mini Mart over. Kinda. Mini Mart is in debt. He has to pay interest directly to Mr. Kwon. Usually that's done in the Red Mansion, but Mr. Kwon invites him to his real home when he's kinda drunk.

He notices Mini Mart is turned on by him. He confronts Mini Mart about his stolen jacket, and he's turned on by that and.....Mini Mart stole the jacket to sniff it and he admits it.

....

...

Well.....

Mini Mart is happy.

Mr. Kwon is mostly confused but he's got spirit. I'm not saying he's awesome, but he's never outright awful. He does things for Mini Mart that actually help him a little bit. He's interesting because he falls for Mini Mart very, very slowly. He's crass. He's rude. He thinks he's into women, but then Mini Mart blushes at him and suddenly he wants to do chores. He settles the debt tabs for the mart, just to help out his new lover.

Is he a nice guy? No, but Mr. Kwon isn't moping around the mart trying to abuse the object of his interest. The story is very dark in general, so it's easy to see that Mr. Kwon gives Mini Mart special treatment.

He's a soulless demon with everybody else.

It's also nice??? That Mr. Kwon really enjoys uh...pleasuring Mini Mart? It's messed up that he doesn't learn Sungkyung's name for a while, but at the same time there's enthusiastic consent and both men enjoy themselves fully. I think this is the superior "kept man yandere" webtoon. I can actually see this relationship progressing. Mini Mart would absolutely, willingly become Mr. Kwon's submissive lover. No prison keys required.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #yaoi #Red Mansion

[13as07]

Hanahaki Disease

(Shino Aburame)

[Art work is not mine! Credit to imoimo00000]

Requested by: Myself

Word Count: 3,878

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

“Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.”

Mentions of Mental Illness (Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar Disorders)

———————————————————————

     My eyes trail after Shino who's slipping out the door. Today is another day of him leaving without giving me my goodbye kiss. Not that anyone is counting, because I'm not counting. Who cares if Shino has forgotten to kiss me goodbye every day this month? Who cares if he's started month two of the forgotten kiss? Not me.

He's a very busy man. He's one of the teachers at the Academy, he has a lot of clan matters to attend to, not to mention he's started his training to take over as chief for his dad. So who cares if he doesn't remember to kiss me, even if it's only five seconds of his day?

It would be selfish of me if I threw a hissy fit over something so small. Shino is mentoring the next generation of Shinobis. Shino is taking care of his people and their needs. Shino is starting his path to take over the clan. His father is almost sixty, eventually, he's going to want to retire. It would be self-centered of me to start a fight because Shino is too busy taking care of the community.

     Besides, when Shino has free time he'll spend it with me. Who cares if it's been weeks since we've been on a date? Who cares if it's been a couple of months since we've been physically? Who cares that the only time I see him anymore is five minutes in the morning and the occasional nights that he wakes me up sneaking into bed? Not me, that's who.

     I knew what I was signing up for. He lives a busy life and so do I. That's the life of a Shinobi, I shouldn't be surprised we don't have a lot of time together. Shino is a pillar of our community. I know that.

But it only takes five seconds. A peck and then he can leave. Not to mention he's done it for years. Why isn't he doing it anymore? Has he forgotten? Or has he been choosing not to kiss me? There's no way Shino has forgotten, he never forgets anything, so it has to be a willing choice right? Why doesn't he want to kiss me anymore? Have we lost our spark? Is Shino over our relationship? Does he see me as another task instead of his partner? Is that why he isn't kissing me? Or maybe he just doesn't -

The thought gets cut off by a pain in my chest. My hand shoots up, rubbing my chest to try and work out the pain. Instead of working out the nest of aches, my rubbing brews a cough.

The sound of my lungs trying to loosen the pain ripples through my rib cage, making the empty apartment echo with the sound. The more I cough the more pain flutters through my chest.

My eyes snap closed as another string of coughs rips from my chest. Tears prickle my eyes as my lungs pound against my ribs.

As the third round of coughing starts, something in my chest shifts. As I cough, the loosening feelings continue, something smooth shooting out every time another wheeze is forced from my lungs. It hurts every time a chunk of whatever flies out, leaving behind a burning feeling in my lungs. Like a new scab wound is being ripped into my airway.

By the time I'm done coughing, my throat feels raw and my chest feels like it's on fire. I tip my head backward, resting it on the chair I've been sitting on. My breath is shaky and uneven as I try to catch it, the oxygen rolling over the imaginary wounds as I suck it in. It feels like licks of fire running down my throat.

After a few deep breaths, the pain has subsided and my breathing is back in check. Maybe I'm getting sick. I should ask Shino about it, he's a medicine expert courtesy of his clan.

A threat of another cough fit bubbles in my chest, making me clear my throat in hopes of forcing it down.

When I successfully manage to avoid another round of wheezing, I lift my head back up, snapping my eyes open so I can start my day. As my eyes open, I'm met with a small pile of petals littered across the kitchen table and the floor underneath it.

     The petals are wide and curved at the end. The soft yellow of them is dotted with speckles of blood, making my nerves tingle. Those weren't there before I coughed but there's no way... I did not cough up flower petals. That's impossible... It's not... It's not the Hanahaki Disease.

     Shino loves me, I know he loves me. Right? So what if he's been a little busy? So what if we haven't had much time together recently... any time together recently? He's just a little busy. I know Shino loves me, he loves me... Right?

                      ———————————

     I can feel another petal trying to wheeze its way out as I walk up the stairs back home. Sakura's words roll around my head as I climb the steps to my front door.

     "It's a mental state of mind in a physical form. The personification of your thoughts. Go home and stop stressing about Shino so much and it should fix itself."

     Sakura's words were meant in good light but at the moment it doesn't seem like that, or feel like that since I'm winded from climbing a flight of stairs. Another round of coughing is threatened in my lungs, the feeling of the ignored cough slamming against my rib cage as I refuse to give in.

     My hand shakes as I dig my keys out of my pocket and struggle to get the door unlocked and opened. When I finally do manage to get the door open, I leave it swung wide and dash towards the trash. My head hangs in it, hands on my knees as I cough into the can.

     The growing familiarity of petals being ripped from my lungs fills my chest, the yellow lilies coated in my blood spilling into the trash as I cough them up.

     By the time a flower or two is released, the fluttering of my lungs settles, leaving me to catch my breath again. My eyes scan the trash, the tears now coating my sights making it a little difficult to make out the proof of my disease.

     Shino loves me. He loves me. I know he loves me... or do I? If I knew he loved me I wouldn't be in this situation.

     "Stop stressing about Shino so much."

     Sakura's voice rings in my head again, helping me calm my breathing down.  My eyes scan over the petals once more before I climb to my feet. I'll take a nap, that should help. No coughing, no Shino, no worrying about his love for me or lack thereof recently. It's just a bump in the road, just my anxiety getting the better of me. I'll beat this disease in no time because Shino loves me... unless he doesn't...

                       ———————————

     Panic is not real, it is an imaginary emotion, and it's nothing more than an adrenaline rush. My shallow breath is nothing but adrenaline. The ringing in my ears is adrenaline. It's not even adrenaline, it is the sound of my blood moving quicker because my breaths are moving quicker because my adrenaline has been heightened by Sakura.

By Sakura who stopped by the school on her lunch break. Who 'accidentally' left my Bumble Bee's papers from her visit to the hospital today. Who doesn't understand the meaning of Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Who took the risk of getting fired to tell me I've been neglecting my Bumble Bee so much that flowers are growing in her lungs because I am lacking as a romantic partner.

I'm well versed in the knowledge of the Hanahaki Disease. After all, one in five people will experience it during their lifetime. The chances of someone I know having the disease or getting it is quite high.

Not to mention being from a medical clan means I should be well versed in top diseases and disorders. I know the symptoms, I know the signs. I would have seen them. I would have noticed.

I pay very close attention to my Bumble Bee's health, especially when it comes to the Hanahaki disease. People suffering from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, or a mix of them are more likely to get it, and my Bumble Bee falls into that category. I would have noticed.

I know I've been busy but I still see her for... for a few minutes every morning and... and when I get home before midnight... which happens... once a week if I'm lucky...

My heart rate increases at the thought. Maybe I wouldn't have noticed. No, no I would have. I... I would have.

Panic - no, panic isn't real. It's just unchecked adrenaline. My adrenaline is in check, I am in control of it. But the front door being wide open with Bumble Bee's keys still hanging in the lock makes it very difficult to keep my adrenaline in check. The trash bag full of lily petals and her blood doesn't either.

"Bumble Bee?" I call, scanning for any signs that something happened. I can never be too sure that it's not a trap. "Bumble?" I call again, making slow steps toward our open bedroom door.

My adrenaline drops at the sight of her in bed. She looks pink, probably a fever forming from her body trying to respond to the flowers blooming in her chest. Her breaths are raspy, oxygen struggling to fill her lungs because of the lilies. More petals float around the room, littering our bedding and the carpet.

It would have been a pretty sight if it wasn't for the blood droplets decorating the yellow flowers. It's fitting, the yellowing of the petals. It's almost a bumblebee yellow. Bumblebee yellow for my Bumble Bee.

                         ———————————

     The feeling of arms wrapping around me stirs my sleep, panic quickly taking over me. "Calm down, Bumble Bee," Shino's smooth voice fills my ears, easing the fear that was growing. "It's just me."

     I'm calm for a second or two before a cough brews in my chest, threatening to give way to my developing illness.

     I snap my eyes open, quickly scanning for any petals that might have slipped out as I slept. None fall into view, chilling my nerves again. The last thing Shino needs is to be stressing and worrying about me. Besides, Sakura said it should fix itself if I stop worrying. It's all mental.

     My eyes flicker to the clock, four eleven. "You're home early," I mumble, trying to stay still in Shino's hold. Maybe he forgot about his after-work plans, though I'm not complaining. I'll take any extra time I can get, even if it's only long enough for his forgetfulness to clear up.

     "I know," he answers, crawling into bed. Shino shifts around moving me across the bed as he settles next to me. "I don't feel the best. I am going to take a nap," he mutters, arms tucked around me again to further crush me into his chest.

     Shino's fingertips ghost over my back, crawling across my shirt in different patterns. Soon his head dips down, nose shifting my hair out of the way. The material of his sunglasses rubs against my throat as he buries his head into my neck. He must feel really sick if he didn't take the time to change out of his day clothes before crawling into bed.

     "Do you want me to make you some soup? It'll help you feel better," I ask, going to sit up to climb out of bed. Shino doesn't have time to be sick.

     "No," He answers shortly, tightening his hold on me to pull me back down on the bed before I have the chance to get up. "It's nothing more than a fever. It'll go away after some rest. Rest with me, Bumble Bee."

"Alright," I mumble, curling back up on the mattress. I cuddle against him again, resting my head on his chest as his arms tie themselves around me.

                         ———————————

I can feel the cough brewing in my chest as my eyes flutter open. It's difficult trying to fight the cough down. If I was sure Shino wasn’t still home I’d let it out.

     My chest aches as I roll out of bed, my worries about Shino being sick and not loving me taking its toll on my body. As if my thoughts could talk, the bedroom door creaks open said bug boy poking his head into the room. "Good morning, Bumble Bee."

     "Good morning," I call back, attempting to clear my throat to further push down the cough fit threatening to happen. "You're not even dressed," I point out, eyes jumping from the clock to Shino who's still in his bedclothes. "You're going to be late."

     "One of my coworkers is covering the first hour of my day."

     "Why?" I ask, ducking into the bathroom as the need to cough continues to grow.

     "I did not set my alarm so I woke up late. When I called to let them know they said to take as much time as I need," Shino answers, his voice muffled by the doors and space between us.

     "Well I'm sorry your morning started rough," I call back, raising my voice to make sure he can hear me. The louder volume forces a round of coughs out of me, pain ripping through me as petals flutter out.

     A second, third, and fourth coughing fits fill the bathroom before Shino knocks on the door. "Are you alright, Bumble?"

     I grip the sink, resting my weight against it as I try to catch my breath. "Ya... I'm... I'm alright, Shino," I answer, watery eyes scanning the small room. Three dozen or so petals litter the tiled floor, the before dots of blood now small pools coating the colorfulness.

     "Well alright. Are you ready for breakfast?" He asks, softly knocking on the door.

     "Yes, I'll be out in a second," I tell him, bending down and starting to collect the lilies. My lungs scream in pain as air filters through them, being hunched over to clean up my mess not helping.

Once the mess is cleaned up, petals thrown out and my blood splatters wiped up, I make my way out to the kitchen. The soft sizzling of the stove fills the space, the smell of bacon fighting for space as well. "Shino?"

"Bumble Bee?" He calls back, turning towards me. I swear some of the pain in my chest melts away when he looks at me, eyes uncovered and almost shiny as he takes me in. "I'm making you bacon and eggs. I hope that's alright."

"That's more than alright," I say, sliding over to stand next to him. "But you don't have to. I know you have a busy day, I can finish making myself breakfast."

"I'll finish making your breakfast," Shino mumbles, shifting away so I can't take the spatula from him. "Go sit down."

Reluctantly, I do as I'm told, sliding into a chair at the table. I settle my arms on the table, resting my head on them as I watch Shino cook. The worry of making his day worse swirls around my head, though it melts away when he turns towards me, a soft smile crawling on his face when his eyes meet mine.

It only takes a few more minutes for Shino to finish my breakfast. My plate is set on the table, the man leaning over me to set it down. "Your breakfast, Bumble," he mutters, hands resting on my shoulders as a kiss is pressed into my cheek. "I am going to get dressed, enjoy your food," he adds, kissing my other cheek before he leaves me in the kitchen.

     My eyes flutter over my plate, scanning over the food that has waves of heat rolling off of them. I feel a bit guilty about my disease. How could I believe Shino doesn't love me when he does things like this for me?

     Because this is the first time in almost two months he's paid any attention to me. Because yesterday was the first time in too long that he's been home right after work. Because now that he's feeling better I won't see much of him let alone have any of his attention.

     Another coughing fit rams against my lungs, threatening to spill out as I pick up my fork. I need to keep my thoughts in check, they're only making my illness worse.

     "Stop stressing about Shino so much."

     Sakura's voice rings in my head as a cough wheezes out. My eyes trail after the yellow petal that spills free, watching it slowly float down to the table, settling next to the plate of food Shino made for me. Of course Shino loves me. He just has a lot of things on his plate right now. He loves me... I think.

                         ———————————

My breathing sounds more like hissing as I lean against the Academy wall. Another three dozen or so petals are tangled at my feet, staining the road in the small pools of my blood.

Sakura gave me a doctor’s note to turn in so I could have some time off. A Shinobi that’s coughing up flowers and blood isn’t exactly useful. Hence, me being at the Academy.

I take a couple more swallow breaths, trying not to tempt another coughing attack to form. Once my breathing is settled for the hundredth time today, I push myself off the wall and head inside.

It’s a quick walk to the mission center, but it’s still a peaceful one. The sound of children, teachers, and classrooms buzzing filling the space there. At least until a door slams open.

A blonde boy with bright blue eyes stares at me. Whiskers are stamped into his face as well. Naruto couldn’t deny the kid as his if he tried. “Hello, Lady. Sensei wants you.”

“What?” I ask, taking a peak into the classroom. Shino is standing in front of the desk, glancing at the two of us now and again as he rambles on with his lesson.

“My Sensei wants you. Shino-Sensei. That guy,” the boy says, repeatedly pointing at Shino. “Aren’t you his girlfriend or whatever? You should know who he is. Unless it’s not true. Sensei?!” The boy leaves the door wide open, storming back in as he confronts his teacher about ‘lying’ to him about our relationship.

I slide into the room after the boy, a smile crawling on my face as I watch Shino defend himself in the verbal warfare Naruto’s son is throwing at him. Chocho - the chief’s granddaughter - is waving her hand like crazy at me, trying to catch my attention.

I wave back at her, getting a head tilt towards her teacher and childish kissy faces shot my way. My smile grows as I shift my shoulders up, playing into the clan’s princess’s game. Her nose scrunches up as she pretends to get sick, making me giggle silently. The quiet giggles make my lungs ache, a coughing fit trying to shove its way out of my mouth.

“Please go sit back down Boruto,” Shino grumbles, ducking behind his desk.

“But Sensei! You said anyone that spotted your girlfriend could get a piece of candy!” Naruto’s son - who he totally in character named after himself - whines, staying put in front of Shino’s desk.

Shino sighs, a piece of candy being tossed to the Hokage’s son before his head pops back over his desk. “So you have your kids playing look out today?” I tease, for once pain not bubbling in my chest. It makes me giddy knowing he talks about me to his students.

More giddiness only grows as Shino climbs back to his feet, a vase full of orchids in tow along with a sleek black box. “You didn’t take any missions yesterday so I assumed you would be around today,” he mumbles, walking towards me before leaning the flowers out towards me. “When you stopped in today I wanted to make sure I saw you. I don’t want the children ruining your flowers before I get home.”

His words come out monotone as ever but still manage to make my breathing seem easier. “Thanks, Shino, I appreciate the gestures,” I answer, taking the cooled vase from him. “I’ll let you get back to class. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“You’ll see me tonight.”

“But you told your dad - ”

“I will see you tonight,” Shino cuts me off, handing me the box before softly patting my head. His glasses settle their focus on my face, the dark lens making it impossible to figure out the exact spot they’re focused on. “My father can wait. I want to be with you tonight.” His fingers coast through my hair before a soft pat is placed against my cheek. A soft smile is sent my way before he turns on his heels, Sensei Shino back in control.

I blink a few times, my sights on the purple flowers poking out of the white vase. When my senses filter back in, I wave a quick goodbye to Chocho before leaving the room.

My walk is slower this time, making sure not to spill any water onto the mystery box as I head towards the mission center again.

                         ———————————

My eyes fall down the mirror again, taking in the sundress I’ve put on. The flowy material is what Shino put into the mystery box. The dress is yellow, not my favorite but it fits with the nickname he has given me through our years together.

I figured with the fancy dress and the free time I have, I should try to look nice when he gets home, hence the done hair and light makeup.

“You are perfect,” Shino’s voice fills the room, startling me at the suddenness.

“Thank you.”

“You are beautiful,” he continues, his frame falling into view in the mirror. Shino’s glasses rest on top of his head, giving me the sight of his eyes that are jumping around my body. “We should go to dinner.”

“We should?”

Shino hums a yes, arms settling on my hips and tugging me backward so I’m pressed against him. “You look gorgeous. My partner is gorgeous. It would be a waste not enjoying your beauty,” he mutters, brushing kisses across my neck as his eyes continue to jump over the view of me in the mirror.

“You look lovely. You are exquisite. You are my everything,” Shino continues to drown me in whispered compliments, lips brushing across my jaw now. His hands rub soft circles against my stomach, his fingers nimble as they crawl across my dress. “My everything,” he repeats, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

I let myself relax against him, soaking in Shino’s undivided attention. As he toys with the hem of my dress, a thought filters into my head. I haven’t coughed up any petals since I visited the academy.

#naruto shippuden #naruto shippuden oneshot #naruto shippuden x reader #shino oneshot #shino aburame oneshot #shino aburame x reader #shino x reader #shino aburame

[sonic06apologist]

So this is gonna be my 3rd group therapy sesh and Im kinda just like idk on the fence. So its like a group for millennials that have lost a parent and stuff and i thought okay maybe this is what i need to help myself and its like. I dont wanna sound like no one else is valid with their trauma and their experiences nor saying i have it worse not saying that, but its just like. Im not really sharing the same experience as anyone else. Everyone else seemed to have lost their parent like months or years out where they were preparing cause the parent was dying of some disease or age or whatever (still fuckin sucks) while mine is like, my mom literally dropped dead out of nowhere a day after i was just talking to her about catching up on stuff and it shocked the entire family cause it just fucking happened. Like i was hoping this was an entire group like that, let alone at least one other person. Its just like "oh im hearing about these awful stories about peoples parents dying" and its depressing as hell but its like good i think that its helping each other. But i feel like i dont fit in here. Idk im still gonna keep going for a bit and see if things change cause like 3rd session is only today so down the line it could get better. Just sucks feeling alone and also like, you know. always feeling like the only one different no matter the circumstances.

#just venting #death mention //

[worldwright]

good evening

i have a busy day tomorrow, including two apartment visits

i just want things to stop, i know things are worthing or whatever, but i just don't care

like, i have a deadly disease, depression isn't always deadly, but it is the case for me. sometimes i forget i have it, and i experience some joy, but the repercussions are too difficult to bear

yeah, i'm happy, but at what cost ? for multiple days i'll feel like shit

my therapist says that at least i feel happy, in my opinion it's not worth it, it's not worth the days where i just want to try again

because maybe, maybe that'd work next time

but i need to live, i don't know why or how and i don't even want to, but i need to live, i want to want to live

but i don't.

have a wonderful morning my friend, i'll try to shower tonight, don't fuckin know when was last time i showered

ouchhhhhh :((((((((((((((((((( im sorry it sucks

I'm rooting for you, crossing my fingers and cheering you on to get to your own place. I really do think it's a hugely important step

I managed to finish my laundry last night :333 possibly the last time I'll do it in this building

played cyberpunk 2077 with my friend as well -- ugh. we hit a REALLY like Really really important plot decision that I was NOT prepared for and I'm. so scared that I'll regret my choice. it's like. you gotta choose to betray one person and stick with the other. no matter what you choose, someone is going to be screwed over. and we're just running from the chaos firefight with a woman who's about to explode like a fucking hydrogen bomb and I look back at the others and I'm so SORRY I couldn't help you both. I'm so sorry

augh

anyway. obviously good game design

wish my cramps would fucking stop already lol

hope your shower goes well and maybe helps a little!! <3

#pen pal

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary42

10/19-20/2023

thursday - friday

i saw my friends today, it was nice.

but now it's late and i'm tired again, i went into 2 songs today and i think i made them a lot better though. i should stop saying fixed, cuz i am in a different stage now. there's less wrong, it's more about getting the sounds precisely "there" i guess.

anyways tonight was fun. i saw my friend's band at the same pizza place we ended up at the other night, and i got more free pizza, which makes me feel yucky but whatever, i got to eat enough. this new band i saw tonight was like, they really wanted to be nirvana, pretty funny i guess, hope they do something more interesting in the future they're all obviously capable musicians and stuff. my friend's band played a new song of theirs he was talking about a lot, i really liked it, i think it's one of their best for sure at this point. trying to think, a lot of the time we spent at the pizza place was just kind of standing around and bullshitting. i thought watching my friend about how much i would like to do anything live, i feel like there's some sense i have of time running out in that way, i wonder if everything i want will just fail to materialize, and i'll be a huge failure creatively.

hopefully not.

at my friend's place i messed w/ vcv rack and made horrible noises, and watched him fuck with it, and he made slightly more musical sounds, it's hard to make it really musical, i feel like, so i like just making it do fucked up textural stuff.

maybe tomorrow i should try to just transpose stuff from my note's app into my story, and work on writing more than music, which is proceeding at a fine pace, i can take a break i think, i should do that, and try to figure out what i need to do there to get closer to a draft, i really want that to be finished. i want to finish something. or get to the first finishing of something that will go on for a while. every project goes on so long, my perfectionism maybe leads to more wasted time. it sucks but i can't help it.

i also think i'm psychosomatically making myself feel itchy because i'm paranoid the hotel room had bed bugs even though i sat there and checked and flipped the bed up and everything, and i'm scared my gf's mom's dog gave me fleas too or something. i'm just so scared and uncomfortable, and tomorrow i have to cook and stuff because we got home so late.

and now it's 3 am which is like my bed time now and i should just sleep now so i don't have to struggle or something through all of tomorrow. it will be good to sleep. i also get to work on another collaborative poem tomorrow too. that might be a good warmup for writing. i am going to sit down and really write i think, before i shower, i'll sit there and do it. i might need coffee or something. maybe just tea. i just have to focus. transposing notes out is a good start, and getting things to slot in. ughhgh.

i make everything sound like busywork, it's all just about realizing everything is manageable, nothing is too much trouble, it's not overwhelming, i can do it.

anyways i need to sleep, today was a good day but i'm sitting here thinking myself into being depressed about something and letting all my paranoia make myself feel worse than i really should i think. i don't think i'm allergic to anything in pizza. idk what it could be, what if i have some kind of disease and it kills me. that would be really sad. i will have done nothing with my life.

so like, byebye!!!

[dzpenumbra]

1/3/23

Today was pretty decent. Pretty fackin decent, Julian.

I slept like shit. Yep, despite being super exhausted last night, I slept like ass. Woke up at least 5 times. Got up when my cat puked on the floor again, this time was not a hairball. I have no idea what to do when that happens. I brought it up with the vet and they barely reacted. Like she's either puked up a hairball or just fluid probably... 4 days this week? At least? And she has thyroid problems and kidney disease. So like... I feel like I should be doing something about it, or at least be concerned... But my theory on it is that she's being fed too far apart. I mean... too close together... Agh it's complicated. I feed her in the AM (like 1 or 2 PM), and I get my first bit of food. Then we both feed at like... 8PM? Maybe 9? And then we both don't eat until the next cycle starts. That's just what life has been since I stopped free-feeding her a while back. And now she's on a super strict prescription diet, she doesn't even get treats, so... I kinda have to schedule feed her. It's a tricky one. The answer really is to get up earlier, but I've really been struggling with sleep.

Weirdly enough, the problem is not falling asleep, which used to be the big problem for like over a decade. The issue is staying asleep and getting to bed. When I get trauma shit set off, I feel like... I am more prone to self-soothe, self-care. Which is good, it's very good. But... I do tend to hyperfocus on it, because I will not settle for a mediocre self-care method, I will find the best one out there. And then I get sucked into it big-time, because it's working. Then I look at the clock, and it's 5:30AM. This happens constantly and it doesn't really matter whether my normal sleep schedule is in place or not. I could be on a normal bedtime of like... 1AM, and I'll just be so engrossed in my self-care thing that I just... ignore my tiredness. Like the ancient meme from the Civilization series "just one more turn..."

And that's the most depressing part, because honestly, I would rather be playing a game or making art or music or whatever the thing I was engrossed in was. Because going to sleep is a risk. It's a chance that I'm gonna get some really nasty dreams. The thing I'm hyperfocused on is safe, it's good. So that's tricky. But that shock to my sleep schedule doesn't right itself overnight. Emotions need to recover first. But, during the winter, I lose a lot of my go-to emotional healing methods... specifically... going into nature. Because it gets dark at fucking 4PM, and when things are rough I'm not getting out of bed until like 2. Mandatory shower is half an hour. Caffeine and food is another half hour. Then I look at the clock and I have an hour to do anything. Say I want to go to this State Park. 18 minute drive. I have 40 minutes, and my ass isn't walking back to my car through the woods in the dark, so cut that in half. 20 minutes in, 20 minutes out. I hate to ask "is it worth it?" but like... is it? I feel like it'll just leave me frustrated and wanting more.

So yeah, PTSD strikes again. Go figure, staying up 5 hours past your normal sleep time for a few days completely throws your life off. Who woulda guessed?

On a less dark note, I got my furniture list put together, that was good. I was actually really locked in as far as getting house stuff on paper. Now I have more of an idea of what I'm looking for from Goodwill or the Habitat for Humanity place when I go.

I called the vet, I made sure they had more of the prescription food for Max, got them to order more of her arthritis supplements and set up a follow up appointment to check her blood levels. Poor thing, she's going through so much. At least she gets Gabapentin every night, she's gettin some real good sleep.

I did my yoga, it was good. The theme was "Listen" which I thought was ironic because I couldn't hear half of what she was saying, I guess I had the volume too low. I also couldn't follow some of it because I didn't really know what pose she was transitioning into, I don't really know the poses, so... I did my best. My hamstrings and my hips are in rough shape, my lower back feels like it just straight up doesn't bend... my shoulders have always carried all of my tension and are finally getting the rust out of the hinges, and my neck is slowly starting to come back into some semblance of a normal human neck. It's gonna take time to fix my horrible posture, but it's worth the work.

The big highlight of the day was getting my big comfy chair. I've been waiting for it, and it finally got delivered. It's a 6 foot beanbag style chair filled with shredded memory foam. Max has been sleeping in it all night, she absolutely loves it! I do too, it just needs some more time to expand I think, they said it can take up to 4-5 days to like... get where it's supposed to be. It's still cool, and I'm really glad to have it.

But here's where it gets a bit complicated. So... when I'm in my comfy chair... what do I do? I was picturing watching TV or something, just chilling and getting really comfy and watching something, but... I don't have a TV anymore. So I have to like... figure out a TV. And figure out what to hook it up to. It just isn't as simple as it used to be. Plus, this is the part that was a little... tough to process today. I haven't been shopping for a TV, or even looked at TVs or monitors in like... probably over 10 years. I think my current monitor is about 10 years old, maybe 8 or 9 minimum? So... I go... "okay, I just need a TV and maybe a wireless receiver or something and I'll be good, I guess?" Because I've seen people cast stuff from their phones to TVs before, so I know it's a thing, and... okay, I'm gonna simplify this thought because I'm super tired. I felt super old. TVs and monitors are basically the same thing, and TVs now all have operating systems and shit on them? Which I don't really... need, honestly. And monitors are not the right size for what I'm looking for. So it just kinda culture shocked me a bit, I guess. Like every fucking TV has a Siri built into it now, it's odd to me. But, I'm pretty sure I found a TV that has Chromecast built into it, and that might (and I stress, might) do what I want it to do. So I might opt for that.

Okay, seriously, I shit you not, I am doing all of this to avoid fucking advertisements and avoid being cornered and peer-pressured and forced into buying a subscription to something. I just want to watch my YouTube, maybe some Netflix stuff on my family account? And Twitch when I'm in the mood. And play Xbox sometimes. And not be bombarded by fucking ads. That's all. I don't think that's too much to ask. And my computer can do that. But I can't do that in my comfy chair at my computer. So...

Okay, I've lost interest in this, I'm sure anyone reading had long before I did. I just felt old doing that. Looking at tech nowadays and just getting frustrated because everything is made to "make things easier", on the assumption that you want to do what they want you to do. And then they intentionally engineer it to be super difficult to do things they might not want you to do. And they really don't talk about that part much, you know? So yeah, ease-of-use? Definitely. But not user-friendly. And I am straight up NOT shelling out that kinda cash for an ad machine, sorry. I might've tolerated it in the past to a degree, but targeting schizophrenia injection medications to someone in extreme isolation during the pandemic every fucking day is... abuse of advertising privileges. It's really fucked up. You don't target people with mental health issues and try to sell them medications, you are not doctors, you are not prescribers, we cannot buy these medications, just stop. Until they put a little more work into actually getting their demographics right, I'm not willing to pay that kind of price so that someone can make a few pennies. I feel like they could be advertising booze to recovering alcoholics and would not give half a shit. Oh shit, let's not forget the Reddit ads I was getting for bulletproof vests when I was moving to the city for the first time, really fucking helping the mental health crisis in our country there, assholes.

Tired. Okay. Good vibes, let's find them. Played the Ancestors game again tonight. Had a surprisingly good story line this time. Rescued a male, the two females got pregnant, then rescued another female after the male was tragically mauled by one of the 20,000 gigantic mean-ass cats around. The new female was sent out on an expedition to explore. She ended up finding where the old settlement was, surprisingly not too far away. And came really close to dying from a snakebite, like barely survived. Then she found a male stranded in a tree, dying of thirst with a gigantic anaconda nest at the base of the tree. She went to get him a coconut, but fell from the tree and broke her arm. She still soldiered up and got him the coconut, he joined her, they started heading back to the settlement. The male told her to stay put and went to get something to help with the broken bone, he gets sliced up by a big cat and they both have to book it. He's bleeding out. They make it to a river and patch both of their wounds. The river happens to be the one that the settlement is at, at the top of the waterfall. They breed, and at the end of the recording tonight, I had to figure out how to make them give birth. Yep, you have to manually give birth to offspring, it's not like... wait for them to mature, it's like... welp, you're pregnant so... give birth whenever I guess. It totally makes sense... But, logical fallacy aside, three babies were born. So I'm not locked anymore, and the tribe has a chance to grow and evolve. Yay.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[mtnkat3]

11.29am

By George I've had an epiphany!

wh is fungus!

Why You...Alll did the mushrooms... on trees. & such.

It also explains this morning & making me think about M*A*S*H & my dad.

Fungus... like cancer will clump together & make itself somewhat easier to be cut away. Like a parasitic leech, it's not really a symbiotic relationship. Like truffles are. Such as Spanish moss & other things that grow or use trees, they destroy the tree.. as a disease... leeching the life outta of it!

OMG!

Wereas me... I wanna nurture & adore the tree.

Guess it shows too what I've found confirmed this morning.

I sleep too much here. That is stress, depression, anxiety. That is my body forcing me to escape. Even sitting in my recliner last night with my crap laptop trying to get things done. Heck, I have started looking at some basic things [bed & bistro table] for my wherever my place to move to is...

[I don't want a lot in an apartment. Wanting minimal as is a stepping stone. That, & I need less stuff around. Maybe some pictures on a frame that I can slide show them. My affirmations, things like that. Oh & plants. I let a lot die off. I think was depression. But I will find new that I can nuture again. Really hurts me to think I let that happen. Shames me.]

Oh wow!

Thank You Jesus!

Thank You my Love/s...!!!

God, thank You for shining that light to me this morning!

Even as I fought my way out of sleep I think I knew!

Ok my Love/s... show me the scalpel...machete whatever I'm supposed to use!

I've still gotta finish the online part of taking my name back but I'm working off a list now. Kinda keep adding as much as subtracting but... that's decades to be changed so...

And with this holiday... sigh. Qdro atty appt is Thursday! [For a flipping call. Whatever.] Then the apartment place was closed by 3pm yesterday. And some of the bank stuff seems to be stopped too. So gotta do stuff that is purely online. Like use the holiday to get better deals$ for things like a laptop/tablet, maybe some of my packing supplies too, & even on furniture. [Wayfair & other places have most deals on holidays. One thing I learned from retail. But logistics...they suck.]

Made me think about my dad's cancer. Grew in less than 4 months to size of a baseball. Glioblastoma Multi Forme Grade 4. Behind left ear, on his memory cortex, & inhibitions.

It was successfully cut away Thanksgiving week 2001. [I was thrown into the fire to do that holiday, I did ok.] He actually had surgery on Saturday, & was home Wednesday. From brain surgery. Just him. But it grew back. Then they did chemo. That's what got him. He mowed the ~2 acre front yard after last treatment. That was my dad. Didn't let things stop him. But the 99.99% mortality rate of the lung infection he got did. Only seen in this cancer.

I was told at the time that it was the most aggressive cancer known. I don't know if that's still true.

I only know that my dad had a witness for God that closed the company so all the subcontractors could be there.

500+ people in the church he helped to renovate into a space that could take that, & more.

My family is still semi involved but he was just ...welll... a robust santa claus! A borne leader. And taught that to me & my siblings.

Just kinda shows... when I, & maybe my family have somewhat too, have floundered a bit. Well, maybe mostly me. Because I think my dad would've had a talk with me & I wouldn't be so deep in the quagmire of this leech infested swamp. I'd have gotten out back then.

But that's God. Plan, Reasons, Time.

I understand that cancer is just a mutation of a cell that has perpetuated itself. DNA, self replicating, etc.

💡🤓🕯every last cell of a cancer... or a fungus must be cut away. To stop the replication & mutated growth pattern.

-When- I finish severing the ties to wh & this house.

It will be complete.

It has to be.

My grandma's furniture will go to a refurbisher to sell or do with. My canopy iron bed will go to a metal recycler. Mattress to a dump.

All I will take will be things like my clothes I haven't worn because I bought for my new life. My childhood books & toys, stuff animals. And supplies.

My portrait & other things will go ino a crate. Still haven't decided if I'm gonna bonfire that & the clothes specific to here or not.

Kinda depends... on You... Alll.

Do You...Alll... wanna know... do You Alll wanna stand beside me as I burn that bonfire... severing the past.

Heck, making me think of all the things I'd love to throw into that bonfire & make it reach the stars!

I want a gap. Between myself before... & now.

I want to burn wh outta my memory.

I have been starting to understand why the warthog pictures too. They are dangerous yes. But a good food source. Just as fungi are.

But... why were my sinus infections fungal?

The evil growing in this house, & that store?

Does this explain why I avoided coming back. That I literally forced myself to walk in here. When I was having a panic attack at midnight. Could barely keep my grip on that 2021 Jeep Compass [yes, I got that irony. Was downgraded but God...] I could barely keep myself from turning around. It was ~really~ hard to leave... when I saw the xrossings... I smiled. & cried. I have work to do here. Only reason I did. Only I can. I literally almost puked when I opened the door. Here. wh does less than the bare minimum.

As I've described to a couple of people, family & such. I kept those places clean, neat & tidy.

Time to have that in my place. In my misstep place, to my future home.

This place isn't me.

And it's a huge stressor.

Time for me to cut away the cancer... the fungi... everything about this place, & time of my life.

Only a few good things came...

Time for me to relearn how to live.

All I can say my Love/s...

I miss You Alll.

This... this removed a lock & part of the veil!

I could kiss You Alll!!!

[Hearing Thompson Square ...?🎶]

Just trying to figure out the disconnect between my soul's motivation to get this done! And my body's...slump?

That's the cancer isn't it..

I must overpower my body with God & You Alll supporting & guiding me.

Because I am in the hardest fight of my life.

My soul's righteous walk...

vs the lethargy of the body. 🤓💡That's the adversary tricks. That's how it's getting me!

ROAR!!!

OMG!

OMG...PLEASE GOD!!!

Oh my Love/s!!!

💡🤓🚀🛰♨️🔥☄⚡🗽

Profound.

Sliding to my knees to You God!

Before the veil. My Love/s ... I see You Alll more...

And I feel You Alll surrounding me. God's Warrior/s. My angels. The ones who hold my keys.

In this circular prison cell of glass.. much like that 007 movie... I feel each of You Alll... a key for each lock... I hear them sliding in.. but God's Plan. His Hand. Wait. Like a stop sign. Almost My children. As I look up into His Light... tears silent. I know & feel each of You Alll around me. I am not alone. And that alone makes my soul wail! 💡You Alll are seeing me... not the shell. You are seeing the woman I am inside. You Alll always have!?!?! You Alll love & see Tijgeress & kat & Phoenix? From the queen to the wings...? You Alll know all the healing writings too? And everything I have seen? 💡🤓🚀⚡🕯🗽💝💓💖 the puzzle pieces are now sliding into their places... no longer forced. But now... pop. But I still... yes my Love/s. God & You Alll know. And until I am done it must remain this way. But You Alll know this is how the adversary.. bowed. Yes my Love/s. Get. Out. Then God will reveal Alll. That. That is what I must keep foremost. Because that gives me the strength to overcome. Even my body's lethargy.

Humbly bowed to You God.

Your Plans, Reasons, & Time.

My angels fight for me...

Whimpering moan.

As I believe in & always will...

True love never dies & true love always waits.

I must await Thy Will, not mine own.

My Love/s... my soul's precious beloved perfect for me, priceless treasures... Mate/s Alpha/s Bear/s King/s Warrior/s Love/s... husbands, lovers, best friends, confidantes, guides, teachers protectors, Daddys...babies...

Forever.

Thank You Lord.

Bowed to God.

Queen bowed to my soul's Mate/s.

Thank You...Alll... for loving me.

Love...& fallible,

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

👩🤓💡☔⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗

🐯🐾⛓🧰🏗🧱🗽🛰☎️

🦉🐐🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵

⌚⚡🌠💖🐻💓🦌💝🔱⚜🗝♠️🧩🔆♾

📒🔏🛰🚀🌎🎯🧭🕯🎵💋 Kat layers.

Sa.9.3.2022 1.47pm est.

Sometimes transcribing my visual... not easy. T.

[maulusque]

Clone genetic enhancement ideas

So the clones were genetically enhanced, but i don’t really see any writers (in fanfic or in published stuff) really exploring what that MEANS beyond “clone very stronk”. Here are some ideas that would actually make clones significantly different from just a regular-ass human in peak condition. 

-enhanced senses: eyesight, hearing, etc. I’m talking eyes like a HAWK

-better reflexes

-quicker information processing

-can hear sounds of higher and lower frequency than standard humans

-can see light of a broader spectrum than human standard

-learn quicker, retain information and skills better (potential problem: if you learn something the WRONG way, that way might stick really well)

-photographic memory (really useful for memorizing layouts and maps)

-immunity to various diseases

-can tolerate a wider range of temperatures and environments

-increased stamina and strength baseline. Clones can just run full-tilt for hours and hours and be like “ah a nice stroll”. Over long distances, they can out-pace jedi in the same way that humans can out-pace horses.

-higher tolerance of certain poisons/toxins (clones can straight-up drink ethanol, and get maybe a little tipsy)

-bodies respond quickly to physical stress, and slowly to the absence of it (basically, this means that physical conditioning results in stronger muscles and a stronger cardiovascular system really quickly, and it takes MUCH longer for a clone to lose strength and conditioning due to not exercising than standard humans. Think how much valuable training time is saved if they only have to go on a run like, once a month in order to stay in shape)

-increased ability to function through intense pain and acute injuries. Basically, semi-disabling the pain system so it’s less distracting. Probably not good for the survival of the individual in many situations, but an advantage on the battlefield. 

-heal faster and better, with fewer long-term complications. Clones can dislocate their shoulders and NOT have the joint be permanently fucked up, because the Kaminoans re-designed the whole damn thing to suck WAY less.

-actually, unique internal anatomy. There’s probably a lot about the human body besides the shoulder joint that is actually just really stupid, and something no intelligent designer would actually build. So the Kaminoans can fix a lot of that stuff. Better knees, maybe. Stronger ribs. Maybe Cody punches droids not just because he’s a mad bastard, but also because his metatarsals are literally as strong as steel. 

-Hearing loss/hearing damage? No problem, your ear can regrow those little hair-thingies that help you hear. 

-Of course, it takes energy to maintain muscle mass, which is why human bodies lose it if we’re not using it. Clones need significantly more calories than standard humans. However, their digestive systems are enhanced to extract calories and nutrients from food much more efficiently, so food goes much farther. Potential weird side effect: maybe clones only have to poop like, once a week?

-You could probably extend that into increased ability to tolerate long periods without food/on low rations, despite the increased need for calories. 

-wouldn’t it be NEAT if the kaminoans somehow designed self-repairing DNA. This would mean that others couldn’t take a DNA sample from a clone and modify it to create their own clones (basically, it protects their product. It’s like DRM for clones). This ALSO means that clones couldn’t get cancer, and that they’d be immune to radiation poisoning. So a clone could just walk up to a sphere of uranium at critical mass and pick it up. Maybe with oven mitts on if it’s hot. (this would also make it harder for a rapid-aging cure to be developed, but uhhhh fanfic writers find a way)

- “bred for obedience” I think most of this would have to be accomplished through tightly-controlled messaging and cultural norms as the clones grow up- basically, enshrining obedience as a desirable and almost sacred trait, to be prized higher than anything else, including the lives of your brothers. In the same way that we hear stories of people sacrificing their lives to protect their loved ones, the clones would grow up hearing stories of soldiers sacrificing their brothers’ lives to obey an order from a superior. 

-SOME of the “obedience” thing could be engineered, though. Humans are already super social, but it would probably make sense for the clones to have an even greater need for social bonds. This would make for greater teamwork and coordination, and better unit cohesion, since the clones would be more inclined to prioritize friendship/agreeing with someone over winning an argument. It would also make it so they’d bond with their natural-born generals more easily, so they would obey them not just because they’re supposed to, but because they’d be much quicker to see them as a friend, and someone who’s trust they want to earn, someone they want to incorporate into their group and make happy.

-consequently, clones who find themselves alone do NOT do well. Isolation has a much more profoundly negative impact on clones than on regular humans.

-Originally, clones designed to operate alone or in small teams would not have the social enhancement- ARC troopers, spec-ops teams, etc. There wouldn’t be much of a noticeable difference in everyday interactions, but they’d also be vaguely weirded out by what they interpret as aggressive friendliness from their brothers, and their brothers would think they’re a bit shy and standoffish. 

-actually this social modification would make it MUCH harder for clones to kill people. REGULAR HUMANS are already super bad at killing people- i remember reading this article about how as soon as soldiers have to point their weapons at actual people, their aim gets mysteriously much shittier. Even when compared to situations that are exactly the same, except they’re not shooting at other humans. So reconcile this how you will, idk.

-I imagine a lot of these enhancements would be accomplished not through DNA, but through microorganisms. Retroviruses could explain the DNA resistant to modification, and the increased healing speed, and possibly some disease resistance (do i know anything about retroviruses other than a vague concept of what they are? no i do not. will that stop me? also no.) Their metabolism can be partially explained through specially engineered gut microbes.

-not sure how they’d go about making clones “resistant to any stress”, because you can’t exactly turn off the trauma response in the brain without breaking a bunch of other things. They could probably do a bit of fiddling to make clones more resistant to chemical imbalances, and therefore more depression-resistant. I think most of the “stress-resistance” would have to come through training. Either they train the clones to basically suppress everything, which might work alright in the short term. OR they actually have systems in place that help prevent the development of things like PTSD and help treat trauma. Meaning the clones are literally trained in self-care, positive self-talk, talking about their pain with their brothers, and having community rituals around things like death and grief. I don’t think that’s super likely because one thing that’s integral to those concepts is the concept of “i am a person and i have worth, and if i feel angry about something bad happening, that is ok and valid” and considering that a whole lot of bad things happen to the clones all the time and their childhood is a whole boatload of bad all happening at once, i don’t think the kaminoans would want the clones realizing “hey wait a minute i’m a person and i don’t deserve to be treated this way and it’s ok for me to be mad at you”. 

- the clones were supposedly engineered to be “less aggressive” but i think there was literally nothing more to that than a cover story for the control chip. The clones wouldn’t be raised with a lot of the aggressive western concept of masculinity, where anger is the default reaction to like, everything, and your personal pride is extremely important and also fragile (no offense lmao). So you wouldn’t have clones posturing and getting angry over perceived slights and fighting each other all the time, like everyone in-universe apparently expects to be the case. Anyway, why would you want your soldiers to be less aggressive? they’re literally supposed to fight and kill the enemy. You want them fully capable of getting angry, anger is the human response to fear and danger that lets us DO something about it. 

-obviously the biggest component in how they behave would be how they are raised, but that’s an entirely different post

-Specializations! I imagine that initially, the Kaminoans had different clones with different traits engineered specifically to fill certain roles. However, as the war went on, they struggled to keep up with demand and had to start shoving clones into whatever roles were needed (hence Fives and Echo becoming ARCs, despite not being engineered as ARC troopers). 

-Command clones would have better abilities in the executive function parts of the brain that deal with extrapolation, planning ahead, spatial reasoning, etc. They’d also have increased visual pattern recognition (like a pigeon)

-search-and-rescue troops would also have the pigeon pattern recognition abilities. The coast guard literally strapped pigeons to helicopters who would tap a button when they saw orange in the water, because they were better at spotting it than humans. Pigeons can detect cancer in microscope images of cells, because they’re that good at pattern recognition

-Pilots would have hella reflexes, excellent spatial awareness and spatial reasoning skills, much greater ability to process visual information, stronger hearts and blood vessels (to resist greater Gs of force), and they’d also be much shorter, to better fit into a cockpit. Which reminds me of Axe, that poor bastard from Ahsoka’s squadron over Ryloth who was almost eight feet tall. rip poor Axe, how did you even become a pilot, you long bastard.

-medics who can smell certain diseases. If you want to get a little bit out there, make the medics able to purr so they can sooth stressed-out patients. 

-infantry would have even greater endurance than everyone else, as well as greater tolerance for, and ability to, remain constantly on alert.

-ability to fall asleep at will? that would be super dope.

-maybe more efficient sleep, so to an adult clone, 4 hours of sleep is genuinely sufficient.

-concept: clones can sort of turn down their bodily functions- slow their digestion, heart, lungs, the whole nine yards- to last longer in adverse conditions. Sort of a half-hibernation (or quarter hibernation- they’d still be able to talk and think, but they’d feel very lethargic). They wouldn’t be able to function very well, but it would be great for things like enduring intense cold, periods without food, low-oxygen environments, and it would be especially useful if you were wounded and waiting for help, since you could slow your circulation, meaning it would take you a lot longer to bleed out. This state could be triggered by a combination of physical actions such as sitting or lying still, breathing slowly and deeply, and focusing on slowing the heart down (humans can actually slow down their hearts consciously if you practice at it, this is basically that, but turned up to like 1100).

-one thing that never made sense to me was the whole “we’re running out of jango fett’s DNA, all the new clones won’t be as good, and we have to stop ventress from stealing the original DNA” because like, can’t they just, get the EXACT SAME DNA from the clones?? you know, the exact genetic copies? With all the enhancements already done? But now my idea is that the kaminoans have engineered the clones so their DNA straight up can’t be copied. The clone’s own body can obviously replicate it, but if you take a sample and try to extract the DNA, it just self-destructs or something. This is to protect their intellectual property, but also means that they literally have to use a couple of Jango Fett’s actual human cells for every single clone they make (and the fact that they then have to do all the above enhancements to every single embryo helps explain why there’s so many small mutations, such as hair color and height). So they kinda shot themselves in the foot with that one. 

-of course since things like ADHD and autism have a strong genetic component, the kaminoans could theoretically engineer those out of the clones, but actually FUCK THAT so for whatever reason, that’s just not something they are able to do, and neurodivergent clones are absolutely a thing

#maulusque's stuff #meta #clones

[angstyantoinette]

Yandere! Armin Arlert Headcanons

AGED UP I REPEAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP-

This little blonde ball of curiosity is verrryy toxic in my Yandere version. 

Armin knows how innocent he looks to other people and by playing on this, coupled with his practical and analytical genius status, boy is it so very easy for him to gain the trust of his comrades, friends and especially his Beloved. 

I feel as if Armin wouldn’t be picky with a particular type, but never being attracted to an unkind or particular person he would be disgusted by in any way. 

He may fall for someone who is slightly colder, or who doesn’t really know how to respond to kindness. In that scenario, Armin would be overjoyed, but very patient and giving with them; if he wasn’t Yandere. 

I see him as very touch-starved and wanting, but afraid to be clingy for fear he would drive his Beloved away. In this case he would dote on you as best he could in his environment, making you fall for him even more. 

You would him as endearing, and like most, innocent. Armin is smart; one might say way too smart for his own good, and being a Yandere, I feel this makes him just as dangerous as those willing to use physical violence/methods on their Beloved. 

He knows that you just love his little quirks and his way of thinking. If you tell him this, he may think you only see him as valuable because of his skill for strategizing. But when you reassure him that you just love him for him, he just falls in love with you even more. 

He’s worrisome about you. Every time he makes practise with your ODM gear until you’re bruised, and exhausted, ready to run into his awaiting arms. Rewarding you with cuddles and affection, Armin’s love isn’t exactly conditional; but it still isn’t normal.

But that’s if you accept his feelings, with Armin being a Yandere or not, and with your knowledge or ignorance. 

If you don’t accept his feelings, whether it being for your personal reasons, or because you…um, like someone else, to put it nicely; 

YOU’RE FUCKED. 

He’ll smile, nod his head, maybe try a little too hard to act like he’s okay with your decision. But you understand, after all, it’s not like you haven’t been rejected before. 

“We can always be friends, Armin! I’m here for you okay?” 

“Yeah, Y/N, whatever you say…” 

About a few weeks after his rejection, with all of the support from Eren, Mikasa and the others, Armin is slowly descending into a deep depression. 

He was so sure of his feelings for you. They were his most prized possession. You made him laugh, you made him blush and god you made his pitiful life seem so much more worth living. You were the ocean, and he just wanted to drown myself in you. Like the sun he saw so rarely, you were the ray of pure light that made his body burn. 

He lay awake at night, taunted and enthralled with the thoughts of you in so many different scenarios….maybe in particular, different positions. 

[Yes, those kinda positions. Armin’s not always that innocent, y’all.]

He knows that the more he thinks of you in these appetizing ways, in these hurtfully satisfying scenarios, he’s never going to be able to get over you. 

Rather, he’s not even going to try.

Being trapped in his fantasies, Armin is horrifically aware that these feelings are incredibly toxic, for the both of you. He just won’t let you go. Whatever it takes, Armin will commit whatever crimes he must to keep you in his life. 

He sees you as being misunderstood, especially if you’re typically a colder person, hard to read, detached. Some people compare you to Levi, but Armin just knows that you, like the Corporal, have far more depth than you let on. 

His intrigue doesn’t let up for a long while, as you’re constantly surprising him in new and amazing ways. You’re used to his deep interest in you after a while, but you still don’t understand him. 

Armin thrives on your confusion at first, but if it drives you away from him, he’ll go into tactical mode. Staying up all night,figuring out who is calling your attention to them rather than him and what his next move should be. 

With his intelligence, Armin keeps his sizzling bafflement and envy under wraps. He tells himself that maybe he had unerved you a little. He can get like that sometimes, surely you understood him well enough to know that?He obviously did find you interesting and he was willing to momentarily abandon Eren and Mikasa just to fuel his endless curiosity. 

Keep in mind, this is after you reject him, and his desperation to just know you and love you is greatly overwhelming him to the highest degree. You just won’t allow him to really see you, to understand you. 

Eventually, he snaps. Just not in the typical yandere way. We all know that Armin feels as though he is a nuisance, a self-proclaimed burden so he keeps most of his feelings inside, and lets them loose to either prove a point, or while under stress. 

It takes a minute for him to decide what to do with you, because he knows that once he has made a choice, it has to be the right choice. He has to know and map out a detailed plan, whether it’s doable, whether he’s able to pull it off by himself, etc.

His analytical skills come into play, and he plans everything from the location, time, the equipment needed at exactly what time. By this time, he will have comepletely left you alone; abrupt and brash, and just as he planned, you were surprised. Yes, he wanted to get to know you, and you couldn’t help but feel even slightly violated and maybe even disturbed. 

Your like anyone in the world, have natural curiosity and interest in just about anything. But the unfamiliar feeling of unsettlement around Armin just felt…off.

You secretly knew of his deep infatuation; people always seemed to determined to figure the silent types out, to crack them open, decipher their many secrets. In terms of this analogy, you sort of understand, maybe even sympathise with his endless novelty toward your character, but even so…just why?

Maybe it was the fact that you felt bad for him, in a sad, puppy love kinda way. Maybe you saw him as a traumatized individual, just putting his assumed coping mechanism to work, with you just in the innocent line of fire. 

If he kidnaps you at all, Armin will smother you. Telling you how much you mean to him, explaining that only he can access your wonder and intrigue. Because, after all, he worked this hard to get you; why would he ever share you with anyone else? 

Although he will be stern, he’ll always be nice about it, rewarding you or not. 

You’re an enigma to Armin Arlert, keeping him guessing, testing his patience with all of your being. You don’t know it, but soon you’ll be in his possession.

I headcanon him as seeing your refusal, your blatant rejection as some kind of ‘disease.’ You haven’t even seen the best of him yet, why make up your mind about something that you know almost nothing of? Oh well, you’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other very soon. He’ll bare his injured soul to you, and you’ll have mo choice but to do the same for him. It’s what married couples do after all, right?

Just let him love you, Y/N. Let Armin adore you. It’s the best thing to do if you want everyone to live.

Glassy, still sapphire eyes simply stared at you in the weak light of a stolen candle. You couldn’t quite pinpoint what they were saying, those beautiful, dangerous, albeit loving eyes. But yet, they also held malice in their abyss’. Endless, bottomless, simply divine they were. That was all you knew.

“Why…do you lie to me?” he murmered. A small, rough palm came to rest against your hollowed cheek, fingertips gently tapping against the skin. Realising how close he truly was, you tried your hardest to get away, shifting in your place in the surprisingly plush, old bed, but all it took was a flash of blonde hair to whip past your face, before he succeeded in holding your arms down.

While he never did this explicitly to punish or harm you, Armin always knew just how to exert his power. Never mind the boundaries that he installed in you the day of your arrival; he didn’t care for them as much as you had to pretend to.

This Armin was unhinged. Normalcy could never be considered in this relationship. He could never understand the pain he put you through. To Armin, it was all in the name of his devotion. All of his interest had been rooted in one fact; you refused to love him.

Once he figured out that you wouldn’t couldn’t love him of your own accord, he became enamoured with something he just knew he could never have.

He had never even thought about taking you, drugging you, dragging you to a secluded spot in the woods, or an out of bounds room, derelict over many years.

“I never intended to take you like this, bunny.”

Swallowing hard, you tried to look him in the eyes, gently lifting your head higher and higher until his blue pools of mere unhinged insanity met your own pained orbs. Seeming to like this, he smiled.

His perfect teeth looked more like fangs in the dim, weak moonlight. It had felt like he had managed to suck every molecule of beauty from even the most simple of things.

His voice sounded like the devil; harsh, unforgiving lilting tones of false hope daring to stroke you face and make you think you had a good chance at happiness.

You didn’t know when he stopped being Armin and began being a monster. You didn’t know if the lines could be blurred any further.

“I never wanted this, Armin-” 

“Don’t play with me, bunny,” he snapped. His slender fingers wound themselves in your clean hair, twisting and searching for a soft spot to pull. When he found it, he lightly tugged; barely, but you still winced from the thought of the last time he did this. 

You still wanted to believe that he was quiet, sweet Armin who still had an unstoppable fascination with you, but he was harmless then. Or was he? Was he faking his intentions? Did he have it planned from the very beginning? 

You wanted to choke yourself for believing his simple demeanour, his dedication to the cause of the Survey Corps just like everyone else. He was a liar. He was a predator in all ways, ensnaring you, his perfect prey. 

Only now had Armin realized just how confused you were. 

You didn’t understand his love for you. You thought he hated you! 

Now that wouldn’t do.

Armin could have have kicked himself. All of his stern discipline and rules stemming from his love and protection meant that you mistook for him being cruel. He was doing this out of his devotion! 

How could he assume you would understand if he never told you, if he never proved his love?

“Armin, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything, I swear-” You took a deep breath, cutting yourself off. Now was not the place or time to be losing your composure; you still were trying to get used to the fact that you were being held against your will. 

“Hush”, he suddenly murmured, gently taking your chin in his fingertips, before moving them to tenderly cup your face, his eyes darting anywhere that he could lay his gaze upon.

The gestures were so tender you found your cheeks erupting with a wild blush, the burning shame hitting you moments later when your hatred and slight fear hit you like a slap to the face. 

Your embarassment only got worse when you felt his soft lips kiss your throat, his warm breath flush against your skin. His hands found themselves back in your hair again, stroking it, petting it, twisting it round and round his finger. His right hand caressed your nape, spreading his fingers so that they only just covered the width of your neck, and he pulled you closer, so that your head was nuzzled into his neck, buried beneath his love and fascination.

It all clicked. 

Armin wasn’t just interested in you. 

He was obessed with you.

Obsessively in love with you. 

You felt pathetic. You felt weak. But in a strange way, you also felt loved. 

You had no choice but to resign yourself to his touch, letting your head fall limp as he cradled you to his chest.

“Good bunny.”

#yandere aot #yandere snk #yandere armin #armin arlert x reader #attack on titan #yandere #headcanons #yandere attack on titan #Headcanon #hc's #armin x reader

[thatsgay-writes]

Maybe a Korra x reader who has the powers of she ra

(Female Reader)

You were a non bender and had been friends with Korra way before you found the sword. The two of you had been friends since childhood, before Korra and her parents even knew she was the avatar. You were even there when Korra found and took in Naga. When Korra was sent to the White Lotus compound, the White Lotus had tried to end all of Korra’s friendships so she could focus on her training, but you would sneak into the compound almost every night. The guards were usually asleep half the time you snuck in, so it was never that hard to sneak past them.

You were there for Korra when she would reach new achievements, mastering water bending, fire bending, earth bending, etc. You had managed to befriend Katara, who had been the first to recognize the looks of love that you sent the avatar (reminding her of how Aang looked at her). So you didn’t have to sneak in as often the older you got and would just go with Katara instead.

You didn’t go to Republic City with Korra, which broke your best friend’s heart. But she understood why, your mother had gotten sick from an unknown disease and someone had to watch your family bakery until she got better. The two of you would send letter through out the time of separation and all was going well, until your mother passed.

---

Her death had been sudden but not surprising. You had lied to Korra that your mother was getting better when in reality, the last family member you had was slowly slipping away. Not even Katara could heal your mother. You went into a deep depression soon after your mother’s funeral and threw yourself into work. The more you worked, the less time you were alone with your thoughts, the less time you were stuck in an empty house. Slowly, but surely, your letters to Korra were blander and less frequent. Your love for her never faded, but the excitement in your life had.

Finding the sword was your saving grace. You didn’t know how much longer you could last, all the days slowly meshing together into a mess. You had gone on a walk, not something you did often because it left you alone with your thoughts. But something had been, seemingly, calling out to you, urging you to walk. When feeling the urge, you didn’t hesitate to follow it, maybe it was the spirits calling you home to be reunited with you mother.

A cave, a freaking cave... Is what you thought as you stood outside of it. By now, the snow that was falling softly had picked up and you knew you wouldn’t be able to return home until it had calmed. You walked slowly into the cave, trying to make sure there was no wild animal inside of it. As you were checking the cave, a light caught your eye. You followed it to its source, interested in what shone so bright in a cave so dark.

The sword was stabbed into the ground, vines wrapped around it. The light was coming from a bright blue crystal in the middle of the hilt. Who would leave such a beautiful sword here? You wondered as you walked closer to it, looking for traps or even a dead body. When you found nothing, you grabbed the sword and pulled it from the stones and vines. As soon as it was released, a surge of power blasted you back and into the cave wall, knocking you out.

---

You kept and studied the sword after you had woken up in the cave, sword still in hand. You told no one else of what you had witnessed or found and studied in silence, continuing to run your bakery in the day time and practice with the sword through the night. The Legend of She-ra is what the sword was, or supposed to be. You read through the book that most people called a fantasy novel and not non-fiction. You read about the adventures of the best friend squad and a world called Etheria, that was filled with princesses and magic.

You had been confused of the reason that the sword had ended up on Earth but by doing more digging, you found that over thousands of years ago your earth had been Etheria. The magic of the planet slowly effecting everyone and giving them the ability to bend. You learned about how there was light and dark magic, what Raava and Vaatu were made of. How someone named Prince Peekablue created the spirit world with the last of their magic for loved ones to wait for each other before finding eternal peace. Having used their magical powers to see beyond perception to make what they imagined a reality and how the spirit world only became stronger and visible as the magic of the spirits grew.

You read how when the last She-ra, Adora, died the sword wouldn’t work again until it was needed. You read how the sword was hidden for generations until the last of Adora’s bloodline had died out and the sword was lost to the world. Luckily, there were instructions on how to use the sword and practice with it for when it was found. You thanked the spirits that Catra, Finn, and the other authors of the book had left such important information.

---

When Korra returned to the Southern Water Tribe, you weren’t there. After greeting her parents and showing her friends were they would be staying, she ran off towards her best friend and crush’s house. She had missed you since she left the South Pole and even more when you both stopped sending letters. She had tried to get over you and date Mako but it ended almost as fast as it happened. She hoped that being back at the South Pole would rekindle your friendship and maybe even let it go beyond that if she convinced you to return to Republic City with her.

---

“Korra! Slow down!” Bolin yelled at the avatar as she ran towards your family bakery. Korra just rolled her eyes at Bolin, “C’mon, if you keep up with me, I’ll get you some food. They have the best kale cookies in the world!” Bolin’s eyes lit up at Korra’s proposal and he managed to keep up with her the rest of the way. Both of them ignoring how Mako and Asami rolled their eyes at the two’s childish behavior.

Korra reached the door to the bakery and attempted to enter, being confused when the door wouldn’t budge. “What the...?” Korra muttered as she looked through a window in the building to see that it was empty with chairs put on the tables. Bolin was sad that he wouldn’t be getting any cookies. Korra noticed someone standing across the street and ran over to ask about the bakery. “Excuse me? Excuse me!” “Huh? Oh wow your the avatar!” The kid said as Korra got their attention. “I... Um, yeah. Do you happen to know why the bakery’s closed?” The kid looked around Korra and at the building she was motioning to. “Oh, yeah. The bakery hasn’t been open for almost a month! It sucks too cause they had the best muffins.” The kid said with a frown, causing Korra to frown as well. “A month...” She mumbled to herself, what had she missed while she was away?

Korra tried your house too but you weren’t there. She let her friends go do whatever as she went to Katara to try and find you. “Katara!” Katara looks up from what she was doing and gave Korra a kind smile. “Korra, what can I help you with?” “Do you know where y/n is? Or her mom?” Korra asks hoping Katara knew and not liking it when Katara gained a frown on her face. “You mean y/n never told you? I had just assumed...” “Told me what?” Korra asks, worried at Katara’s reaction. Katara lets out a sigh before responding, “Korra... Y/n’s mother passed away. Y/n hasn’t been the same since. A lot quieter, more reserved...” Katara just trails off, not knowing what to say, while Korra feels like the air got knocked out of her. “What...” Korra says, not really asking, with tears in her eyes. Your mom had been like a second mother to her growing up and hearing that she sick was bad enough but finding out she was dead and that you were dealing with it by yourself, hurt more than she could imagine. Katara pulls the young avatar into a hug trying to comfort her. “Y/n has been gone for almost a month. She told me she would be safe before she left. She didn’t want me to worry.” Katara says, hoping to lessen the worry on Korra.

---

You had left to go to the swamp where the Bayan-grove tree was located. You wanted to go to the spirit world and learn more about magic. You knew that only air benders were supposed to be able to go to the spirit world, but with the new knowledge of magic, you hoped you would be able to as well. So you went to the place most tapped into magic. The tree had grown right over where you read the heart of Etheria was located before all the magic in it got released. You meditated and practiced with the sword everyday, wanting to master using the sword and the other things it could turn into. You hoped that going to the spirit world could connect you with Mara or Adora or anything to help you know that you were the one meant to get the sword, that you were doing what you were supposed to do with the sword, and that you were ready to use it if need be. You weren’t able to enter the spirit until Korra opened the first spirit portal.

---

You spent days in the spirits with a spirit that went by the name of Swift Wind. He was an alicorn that was the previous She-ra’s animal companion, similar to how Aang had Appa and Korra had Naga. You had inquired about when you would be able to get an animal companion but Swift said that it had to happen naturally. You didn’t know how long you had spent in the spirit world but it felt like days before you felt a sudden shift through out the spirit world. “What was that?’ You ask Swift Wind as you felt a sudden disheartening feeling. Swift Wind lifts his horn into the air and you watch as his eyes get big. “Vaatu has escaped.”

(There will be a part 2🙂)

Part 2

#lok #Legend of korra #korra x reader #lok x reader #female reader #female character #female x reader #wlw #atla #avatar the last airbender

[shinydocsberrytea]

12/15/21 9:47pm - sometimes i stare at the message bar of my texts w my gf & and contemplate telling her every detail of my eds. leaving nothing out & trusting her w every word. finally having a person in my life i can talk to abt this. not feeling so alone anymore. but i’m fucking terrified. terrified that she’d look me up & down & say something like “i thought you had to be pretty skinny to be anorexic?” (her saying this is extremely unlikely but i’m so afraid of it.) terrified that she’d feel like dating me in & of itself would be enabling my disordered behaviors. terrified that i will no longer be able to have days where i forget i’m sick/disordered if someone else knows. terrified that she would tell my siblings/parents/roommates/friends out of concern or whatever. terrified that if i ever do eat large portions or eat unhealthy food that she would assume i was lying abt the disorder to begin w or assume i’m cured. god i can’t believe there isn’t a single person on this planet that knows i’m orthorexic/anorexic (besides my tumblr moots love u guys). i NEVER considered anorexia before a couple weeks ago when i realized that u can eat 1200-1500 cals most of the time & still be anorexic. even knowing that though, i thought to myself, there’s no way i could be anorexic. like there’s no way my eds could possibly have hit the point of full blown anorexia. idk why anorexia has much more extreme connotations than all other eds but that’s just what my brain seems to think. i only ever met one person before i turned 18 that told me they had an ed. my 4th grade best friend was anorexic. she was super skinny & beautiful & that’s all i remember. that’s all i knew of the disorder for a long time. my skinny best friend was anorexic bc she was afraid of not being skinny. when i was younger i certainly thought you had to be skinny/underweight to be anorexic. i was shocked when every single test online confirmed that i have both anorexia & orthorexia. maybe i just have one or the other i’m not sure. for the orthorexia quiz (pic posted below) i answer yes to every single question, except i don’t plan my meals multiple days ahead & my quality of life has not decreased as the quality of my diet has increased. ik we’re supposed to believe that if u have any ed whatsoever u must be super depressed but i’m WAY happier than i was 45lbs heavier. i lost 25% of my bodyweight. a quarter of my past self has simply disappeared. and my entire life is better bc of it. but while i was taking another quiz, one of the questions hit me like a fucking truck. like all the air left my lungs & my jaw dropped. “to what extent, do you feel your appearance is the most important aspect of who you are?” bc realistically, the most important aspect is probably kindness or intelligence or being able-bodied. but when i think about what is most important regarding my quality of life & how people will treat & think of me, obviously appearance is the most important. & that’s just a fact. if you question that, google “33 convincing reasons to lose weight” bc even people who are like “nooo! diet culture sucks! everyone is beautiful & u can be fat & be just as happy as a skinny person!” are forced to admit that they’re at least somewhat wrong when they view statistics. factually&statistically: skinny people are more likely to get raises, offered better jobs, be treated kinder, get more attention, etc. then also there’s the fact that they’re way less likely to get diseases, have insomnia, have asthma, have depression, have acne, sweat a lot, have poor memory, etc. literally almost every aspect of life improves when you become skinny. & this is just the tip of the iceberg. i have countless more undebatable reasons why life is better while skinny in my notes. u could also view literally any before&after weight loss story/pic/video & ask if their quality of life improved. this is why skinny girls who tell overweight/obese girls that they should just enjoy their life & love themselves piss me off so much. they don’t fucking realize how much easier EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIFE IS.

[butteraway]

when time runs out | v

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 6.3k

warnings: none

authors note: HERE IT IS!! A whopping 6k chapter can you believe this lol :’) I plan on making the chapters this long, so that means it’ll take a little longer for me to write,,, But enjoy this guys!

Y/N was laying on her bed, twirling the bottle of pills that captivated her interest. Sitting up, she slowly opened the cap and took a pill out. She examined it, liking how the yellow and green color meshed together. The pills didn't look like anything special, just your basic average pill.

Her conversation with doc was a bit unnerving though to say the least. The doctor was acting a bit off if you asked her.                                      ______________________

Y/N looked at Receen with uncertainty painting her face. What was the meaning of this? Was it really possible for her if she took these pills? He wouldn't try to kill her? They've known each other for almost two years, so he wouldn't try anything.

Right?

"C'mon Y/N, you trust me right? You can see your family again, just take them!" Doctor Receen urged the girl with an enthusiastic smile. Though the look in his eyes seemed a bit desperate for her to take them. Weird.

"Say, Doc, I don't wanna sound ungrateful or anything, but-" she was cut off by a soft laugh. It sounded more forced.

"Y/N, there's nothing to worry about! You had professionals work and conduct these small things! Here! Just take them and think about it!" Receen tossed the bottle to Y/N, who barely caught it with both hands. "I'll have someone bring in some fresh clothes just in case you do want to try these things out.”

And just like that he was out the door.                                     ______________________

Y/N scratched the back of her neck as she put the pill back in the bottle, wondering why the doctor was pushy with her taking them. Her eyes wandered around the room until they landed on the new pile of clothes sitting on the edge of her bed. A kind lady bought it a short while ago, giving her a small smile before leaving.

Though, Y/N decided she'd play a game before calling her parents to tell them the wonderful news. It still felt odd for her to just get pills for her sickness right then and there. Even if it wasn’t a permanent solution. She wasn't even informed about the making of her medicine, despite what Receen had told her. All that she knew was that they were trying to keep her alive. Turning on her console and taking her controller, she glanced at the bottle. She didn't close it of course, wanting to see that they were actually real. 

Putting on her headphones, she put on Fortnite and waited for other players to join. She really hated this game, but it was hilarious to see people rage. Seeing someone join, she tried to talk to them, but got no response. Briefly closing her eyes for a few seconds, she snapped them open after hearing a familiar gruff voice. King Explosion Murder!

"We better win this or I'll look for all of you and kill you." That was literally the first thing the dude said as the game began. Y/N let out an awkward chuckle, a sweat drop appearing on her forehead. This'll be interesting. She cleared her throat, slightly catching the attention of ‘Explosion Murder'.

"Hey! Do you remember me? We played together a few nights ago, with this other guy called Tape Dispenser on OverWatch!" Y/N decided to take a friendly approach, trying not to blow a fuse with this guy. I do not wanna be on this guy's bad side again. Silence filled the air, making Y/N feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Who the fuck are you?" Said girl nearly choked on her spit as she doubled over. She began shooting at random people as the game began, taking them down and moving with her small team. She once again felt her eyebrow twitch.

"What do you mean 'who are you?' Y/N asked, lowering her voice to mimic Murder's voice. She made her character shoot a person in front of her. Headshot!

"I have no idea who the hell you are, so shut the hell up!" Murder's voice rang through her ear as she winced at the volume. So loud! Her other teammate was shot down and killed, making Y/N sigh.

"You sure dude? I'm the one who almost won the game, but like, died at the very end?" Y/N didn't even know why she was even trying to talk to this guy. She just felt like she wanted to know him better. Or her. Could be a girl with a really deep voice? Murder was quiet before a growl like grunt was heard.

"So you're the damn girl who did that." Murder's voice was low and Y/N didn't know whether or not to feel scared for herself. "Haha! Yeah, that was me." She awkwardly laughed, not sure if he was going to blow a fuse because of that.

Murder was quiet, with the exception of his breathing being heard through her headphones. Y/N just came to the conclusion that Murder was, in fact, a dude. She didn't want to believe that a girl had that deep of a voice. It was possible, she thought, though she couldn't picture a female with that voice. She'd die if she did. The thought made her stifle a laugh.

"The fuck you laughing about?!" Y/N looked at his kill counts and her eyes widened. 7 already?! Goddamn! She looked at her own and only saw three. "Well aren't you curious now?" Murder let out a huff, as if he were trying to contain his inner rage. "I was asking for a goddamn reason." 

Y/N swore she could feel his irritation through the screen. The two met up and began to continue to go to the middle of the map. 6 kills. Cool! She once again looked at Murder's kills and felt her confidence deflate once again. Way to make me depressed dude. As she was shooting a player, Y/N looked at the kill feed and almost spit everywhere.

"MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER!" This dude exploded, and by the noise, she assumed he threw his chair. This dude! Suddenly, an idea came in her, oh so beautiful, head. "Yo yo yo, bro! I gotta deal!" This caught Murder's attention as he let out an aggressive 'What.’ She smiled wide as she continued to play the game, knocking down and killing another player. 

"I carry the team and win, you accept my friend request!" 

"What if you don't win, huh?" That's what Y/N was scared of. She let out a defeated sigh and surrendered. "I'll give you the most rare skin I own." There was silence as she took some damage from another player. 

"Which is what?" She swallowed and opened her mouth. "It's the skin that was only given to 5 players from the event last year." 

"Deal." He said it so fast that Y/N was actually scared to give him it. But she always kept her word. Looking to see how much other players were left, she felt her heart speed up. Why am I freaking doing this?! The girl continued to focus on the game at hand and began skillfully killing the other players. She got hit a few times, but never went down. When it was finally one player left, besides herself, she began to be cautious. At last, she took down the final player and yelled out in joy!

"Oh yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about baby! Sweet sweet victory!" Y/N cheered while throwing her hands up in the air and slightly jumping on her bed. She had no idea why she was even this excited to win. Maybe it's cuz I like him. Y/N stopped mid cheer, before she burst out with laughter as she wondered why she even thought that. She doesn't even know the guy!

"Well, looks like you're gonna have to accept me!" Murder let out a couple of grumbles and snide comments as he accepted her request that she sent. "It was only fucking luck. Don't get too cocky."

Y/N gave a toothy smile that he couldn't see and giggled. "Whatever helps you sleep at night." The small girl looked at the time and decided this was enough for the day. "Well Mr. Explody, I gotta go! It was cool playing with you!" 

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Get off now, you're starting to piss me off." Y/N laughed at his sour attitude and decided to fuel the flame some more.

"Y'know, you should work on your gaming. You suck." The girl quickly got off the game and turned off her console, but not without hearing him yell at her. The smile never left her face as she fell on her back and looked at the ceiling. Gosh, he's so weird. She continued to replay their interactions before turning her head and looking at the phone. She sighed and sat up. 

All her happy feelings went down the drain. Something just didn't feel right with the medicine the doctor gave her. Whatever. It's probably because I always thought I'd be cooped up in this room for the rest of my life. Y/N blinked and walked to the phone and dialed her parents number. She stood anxious, hearing the phone ring and her hands trembling with excitement? Fear? Who knows.

"Hello? Y/N? How are you!" Her mom's cheery voice sounded through the phone and once again, the girl smiled. "Hi Mommy! I'm fine, perfectly fine actually. What about you?" She decided to keep things smooth and simple. The laughter of her mother brought Y/N back to reality.

"Oh Y/N! No need to be so formal! I'm your mother, no need to act like that!" Y/N let out a chuckle and brushed her hair away from her face. "Yeah, sorry Mommy." 

"And to answer your question, I am doing amazing!" She let out a hum, letting her mother know she heard. "Well, I have some kind of big and important news. So basically, Doctor Receen made some kind of medicine. For my, y'know, 'sickness.' Crazy right?"

There was a small pause before the cheerful voice of her mother sounded in her ear. "I know! The Doctor had already told your father and I beforehand! I was so ecstatic, and I still am for you-"

"Wait, you already knew? And you didn't tell me?" Y/N’s voice was filled with confusion. Why didn’t mom tell me? Was she keeping it a secret? Did she try hiding it from me? Was she ever going to-

“Well I wanted it to be a surprise for you from the doctor!” Said the older woman happily, leaving Y/N to feel embarrassed. She let out a small ‘Oh’, and rubbed her neck. Why did she even think her mother wouldn’t tell her something so important? Shaking her head, Y/N continued.

“Well thank you! I’m still, uh, just still a little skeptical of the pills. I’m not sure if they are actually going to work…” The clear doubt was heard in the girl’s voice. Her mother furrowed her eyebrows.

“But sweetie! Of course they’re going to work! I would’ve thought you’d be more excited about this!” Glancing up to look at the bottle, Y/N could only let out a short ‘yeah.’ 

“So when will you be coming! Your dad and I agreed that we would pick you up after you took one of the pills, so you could come home for a while!” Her mother’s voice continued to rant off about what they were going to do when she came back home. While the voice continued, Y/N drifted off into her head.

How am I going to tell Denki this? Should I like, surprise him when he comes back from school? Hmm, I swear if he cries, I think I will too-

“Y/N! Y/N honey are you there?” Zooming back into reality, she let out a chuckle from her mother’s worried voice.

“Yeah mom, sorry. I was just thinking about some things.” M/N hummed in understanding. It grew quiet quick, but soon was filled with Y/N’s sweet voice. “I think I’ll take the pill on Friday mommy. You can come pick me up at around three. This gives you some time to prepare for everything, heh.”

Her mother let out loud cheers, happy that she will be able to see her daughter face to face again. It’s been so long since she had last seen Y/N, not being able to take it, seeing her child confined in a spacious room. 

The two talked for a short moment more until they decided to hang up. Placing down the phone, Y/N sighed. Dragging herself and the IV back to her bed, she sat in silence. Who knows how long she stayed in that position, all that she knows is that she was snapped out of her daze after a brief knock to her door. She hummed, loud enough for the person to hear. Opening the door, the woman walked in, boots squeaking against the clean floor. The short spray in the air filled the silence as the doctor walked over to Y/N’s IV bag.

Watching her check and adjust the fluid bag, Y/N’s big eyes snapped to the doctor’s face when she began speaking. “You’ve been moving a lot. The needle is off center from where it’s supposed to be.” 

As she said that, the girl felt a slight pinch on her arm and saw the doctor putting the needle back into its rightful place. Satisfied with the placement of the needle, she hummed in acceptance and patted Y/N’s arm with her gloved hand. Moving her arm around to get used to the feeling of it back inside her body, Y/N wondered when it had fallen out. Huh, I didn’t even notice. 

Feeling the need to fill the silence, Y/N spoke. “Well, today was an exciting day, haha. Received amazing news and had a wonderful conversation with my mom.” Y/N chuckled in false amusement, but the doctor could only narrow her eyes at the small girl. “Mm, you sound so excited, I could tell when I first walked in here.”

Now Y/N did laugh at that. Who knew the scary doctor lady could go along with her sarcasm! With now gleaming eyes, the excitement was now visible in her eyes. Now that she knew the doctor was ‘nice’, she definitely was going to have fun talking with this doctor. Seeing as she turned around and went to head towards the door, Y/N was quick to stop her. 

“Hey! What’s your name?” The doctor’s eyes widened in shock and turned fully to the girl who had now stood up.

“What do you mean ‘what’s your name?’ I’ve been one of your main doctors for two years!” The woman exclaimed in exasperation, unbelieving of the situation she was just put in. Y/N could only weakly shrug.

“Sorry about that! I just, uh, like was too nervous around you to remember your name?” As pathetic as the excuse was, she was telling the truth! I am so sorry Ms. Doctor! The older woman could only shake her head in amusement.

“My name is Doctor Shuzenji Kumiko, but call me Doctor Kumiko. Now you better remember that, this will be the last time I tell you my name.” Y/N nodded her head with such affirmation, Doctor Kumiko thought the child would accidentally hurt herself. And right now she did not need that happening. While she shook her head though, Y/N couldn’t help but feel a strike of familiarity at her name. But what about it is familiar? Cranking every gear in her head, she failed to notice Doctor Kumiko looking around the room.

Doctor Kumiko was never able to get a proper look around the sick girl’s room, seeing as her mission was to go in, check if Y/N was ok, and then get out. Though she immediately noticed how empty her room was. Only one big bed, a flat screen tv perched on a small table, and the medical equipment were all that occupied the room. Though now that she started paying more attention, the room was a different color. Bland white walls were now full of a bright color, something not too dark, but not too eye bleeding. It was a nice appealing color that suited the girl standing in front of her. That’s when Doctor Kumiko’s eyes landed on the small table next to the grand bed. They slightly widened as they caught eyesight on the small bottle. 

“I can’t believe he gave them to her.” Kumiko hissed silently just as Y/N snapped her fingers. Staring at the doctor, she tilted her head. 

“Did you say something?”

“Huh? Oh no, it’s nothing! Just remembering something is all!” Doctor Kumiko rubbed her neck, putting the momentary problem in the back of her head for now. Y/N shrugged her shoulders, curiously looking at the doctor in front of her. Clearing her throat, the doctor shifted the focus off herself.

“So were you going to say something?” Slowly fiddling with her gloved hands, the Doctor could only sigh in relief as Y/N eyes popped open quickly.

“AH YES!” Y/N quickly wobbled to the doctor forgetting to take the IV that weighed her down with her. The doctor let out a small gasp, stepping behind the girl and rolling it next to Y/N who didn’t pay any attention to that.

“I finally recognize where I heard that last name from! And no, I didn’t just remember your name you supposedly told me before.” The lady’s sharp eyes rolled, letting her continue.

“RECOVERY GIRL HAS THE SAME SURNAME! ISN’T THAT INSANE?! I HONESTLY FIND THAT SO COOL! I wish I had the same name as a famous person, oooo like All Might’s name, or or even Endeavor’s!” Doctor Kumiko cringed at the sound of Endeavor’s name but paid no mind to that. Right now she had to deal with a hero fangirl. Just then Y/N abruptly stopped her rapid talking, moving closer to Doctor Kumiko’s face.

“Wait. Are you like-” Y/N looked around the room as if there was someone else watching them. When she was done, she leaned closer to the doctor’s protected head and whispered the following words. “Are you Recovery Girl’s daughter?” The woman could only sigh and stared into the girl’s shining eyes. When Y/N got no response she determined her answer by herself.

“Oh my gOSH!!! WAIT LIKE FOR REAL?! LIKE YOU’RE ACTUALLY HER DAUGHTER?? YOU LOOK A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE HER DAUGHTER BUT I’M NOT COMPLAINING! WOW THIS IS SO CRAZY, ALL THIS TIME YOU WALKED IN HERE AND I HAD NO IDEA WHO YOU ACTUALLY WERE!! I HAVE TO TELL DENKI HE’S GONNA FREAK OUT-” Doctor Kumiko bellowed a laugh so grand it had Y/N laughing along as well. After attempting to wipe away her tears soon realizing she couldn’t due to her helmet, she let out more bubbly laughs. 

“Aahhh, you’re pure gold!! I can see why Receen likes you!” She smiled brightly down towards Y/N who gave her a beaming grin of her own in return. “But yes! You’re right, though not entirely.” 

Y/N trying to keep up with Doctor Kumiko’s pace to her bed, they both sat down and got comfortable. “Since you basically found out my family tree, to answer your question fully, I am related to Recovery Girl. I’m not her daughter, but her granddaughter instead.” 

The small girl’s eyes widened in shock. No way. She actually met someone who’s related to one of the greatest heroes of all time. Don’t fight her on this, she knows what she’s talking about. As she stared at the doctor with such admiration, Kumiko could only give her a weak smile. She knew what the next question would be. Her answer would always leave people with disappointment. 

“Wait! Does that mean that you have a similar quirk to Recovery Girl? After two generations, wouldn’t your quirk be more evolved at this point? Or do you have a mixture of both your parents quirk, seeing as your mom could’ve inherited some of Recovery Girl’s quirk or something like that!” Doctor Kumiko only shook her head leaving Y/N confused.

“Then did you get a quirk similar to your dads?” Once again shaking her head no, Y/N was beyond confused. Until a thought passed through her head.

“Are you… are you quirkless?” Y/N didn’t really consider a descendant from a nationwide known hero to be quirkless. It’s possible, but very unlikely. After all, only 20 percent of people in the world aren’t born with quirks. Me included. Y/N’s eyebrow twitched at the truth of her thought train. Once again though, the doctor shook her head and went to explain to the young girl.

“I do have a quirk, so that’s not the problem. The problem lies in how efficient my quirk is.” Y/N listened intently, ready to store this useful information in her memory. Ohoho Denki is gonna be sooo jealous, heheh. “My quirk is actually quite weak compared to my grandmother.”

“My mother was born quirkless, meaning that when she had me, many doctors had thought I would be too. But instead, I got a similar quirk to my grandmother. Since my mother had direct DNA from her, part of that DNA was transferred to me, to her granddaughter. Everyone was ecstatic to learn I had gotten a quirk similar to my grandmother, some even thought my quirk would be even greater than hers.

“But alas, I was handed the remains of the quirk from my mother, so I only proved to have a much much weaker quirk compared to Recovery Girl.” Soaking up the information, Y/N looked to Doctor Kumiko. Despite sharing not so amazing information, she didn’t seem to be too bothered by sharing it. In fact, she looked perfectly fine!

“I’ve come to terms that my quirk will always be a weak one, but that doesn’t stop me from using it all. I help as best as I could, using my quirk to help young children when they scrape their knees, and just replenishing as much energy into those who need it the most. I think the biggest wound I’ve healed was a large burn! I was so proud of myself, but I was just so exhausted! So I mostly conserve energy when I need to.”

Y/N nodded, happy that the doctor was sharing so much with her. She didn’t care if it was ‘improper’ or something, she was just glad to be able to talk to someone who wasn’t Receen or Denki.

“You seem quite happy with what you do. How much people have you helped?” Y/N smiled happily at the doctor. “ I’ve helped so many people. And just with my quirk!” Sighing happily, Doctor Kumiko got up and headed towards the door. 

“Do you visit Recovery Girl often?” Y/N had a small favor she would like to ask the doctor, though she needed to make sure she was able to do it first. 

“Of course, she is my grandmother after all. She would spam call me if I hadn’t visited her in over a week.” Doctor Kumiko deadpanned at the thought of that, having experienced that before. Y/N giggled at the thought, phone constantly ringing for who knows how long!

“Makes me deliver her food too if she forgot it. That lady is too much work sometimes.” The doctor rubbed her head, a headache already rolling in at the thought of all the things her grandmother makes her do.

‘Well since you see and visit her~” Y/N smiled sweetly at the woman looking at her with suspicious eyes. “Then that means you have access to the U.A. building!” Now Kumiko was narrowing her eyes at the girl at this point.

“Yes, I’m also a helper at the school too. What cards are you playing right now Ms. L/N?” Said girl chuckled mischievously, quickly moving to grab a small note pad in the drawer of her small table. Ripping out a piece of paper and quickly scribbling words on it and folding it, she handed the paper to the doctor who stared at it in confusion.

“GREAT! I need you to deliver this to my cousin that goes to the school! Since you have access to the school, which I don’t know why you didn’t tell me sooner, this makes your little journey for me easier!” Sharp eyes flew from the paper in her hand to the young girl’s face, back to the paper. Sighing, she silently agreed.

“Thank you!!! Ok, so his name is Kaminari Denki and he’s a first year in the hero course! I don’t know which one, but he’s in one of them if he didn’t lie to me.” Chuckling, the doctor nodded and stood up from the bed. 

“Well I spent too much time in here. I think it’s been the most since the two years I’ve been checking up on you.” Walking to the door, she paused for a moment, turning around to look at the girl who had sat back down on her bed.

“I’ll be sure to get these to your cousin as soon as possible. Also, I’m sure you’ll be able to help so many people when you’re out of here. But please be careful with those pills. They’re very strong so consume them with caution." And with that, she left, door opening, closing, and the familiar sound of the air purifier turning on. 

Chatter filled the classroom in the early morning, the students excited for another day in U.A. Ever since the recent villain attack, many of them were still filled with fear, though their determination to grow stronger overshadowed any negative thoughts. The days passed by since then and many of the young heroes have made it their goal to be stronger than they were before.

Which leads us to a blonde boy with a black lightning streak in his hair, sitting nonchalantly in his chair. He listened to his rambling friend, the red head mentioning something about Crimson Riot, or something like that.

“And ever since then, I always followed his words! He’s my number one inspiration after all-” A grunt was heard next to him, the boys’ eyes turning to the ash blond boy sitting next to them.

“Yeah yeah, we heard this story already, why don’t you talk about something new?” His gruff voice didn’t knock down the red head’s bright mood though, only pushing him to talk more.

“Alright Bakubro, if that’s what you want!” The boy grinned, his sharp teeth on display for everyone to see. And even despite that, no one was very afraid of his appearance, seeing as his personality shone out like the sun outside. “So what did you guys do this weekend? I’ve been training for hours! Ever since U.S.J, I’ll admit, I was still shaken up!” 

At the mention of what happened at U.S.J, more people around them joined in on their conversation. “Tell me about it, my parents didn’t want me coming back because of that.”

A few murmured in agreement, everyone now talking about their experiences at home. “You don’t know how long it took me to convince my mom to not call the school. But if anything, I’m still surprised Midoriya is still here. He was at the core of all the attacks!” 

Said boy turns red at the mention of that. I mean, his mom was really really worried about him, so he couldn’t really say anything. Scratching the back of his neck, he could only let out a nervous chuckle.

“Yeah, luckily All Might managed to come and save the day!” Excited chatter began to fill the room once again with everyone retelling each other how cool All Might was busting through the doors of U.S.J.. Ururaka jumped in as well, her voice filled with awe.

“Don’t forget how All Might even knew we were in trouble! If it weren’t for Iida speeding his way back to UA, who knows what could’ve happened!” Even more people agreed on that, some of the guys even patting the tall boy on the back. Clearing his throat, and trying to make the blush disappear off his face, Iida fixed his glasses and began talking.

“Well of course I did that, any sane person would have done it. After all it was the right thing to do, especially in our dire situation!”

“Ah there goes Iida humbling himself again!”

“Give yourself some credit dude!”

“It was still super cool how you managed to run that entire distance!”

Covering the raising blush on his face at the rapid compliments with his fist, he spoke once again, the others around him listening to his words. “It would have been more preferable if we were able to contact the school directly, help would’ve come much more quickly then.”

“Oh yeah! Too bad Kaminari couldn’t contact the school though, those villains really knew what they were doing!”

At the mention of his name, Kaminari faced Mina and gave a tight grin. “I didn’t even know that there were people who had quirks that can block out signals!” Some laughed, while others chuckled at the exasperation in the blonde boy's voice. An annoyed sigh cut through their laughter, everyone looking to the blonde spiky haired boy who interrupted their laughing fest. Just as he was about to speak, a knock was heard throughout the class, leaving the boy to grumble to himself as the door slid open.

A tall lady walked in, her straight posture already showing the students she meant business the moment they laid eyes on her. Her long, sleek black hair flowed behind her as she stepped more into the classroom, sharp eyes observing the kids in front of her. Immediately her eyes landed on a boy with narrowed red eyes, noticing he was giving her the stink eye.

Inwardly rolling her eyes at the boy's attitude, she went back to looking at the small crowd in front of her. “Hello, my name is Dr. Kumiko and-”

She was so rudely cut off by a very short boy who stood in front of her, the purple balls on her head making Kumiko furrow her eyebrows. “Are you our substitute? Wow you are gorgeous, has anyone told you that?”

As the boy continued talking, Dr Kumiko could only try and step around him in order to avoid his beady gaze. Cringing slightly, she turned her attention back to the class and watched as they curiously gazed at her. Clearing her throat sharply and loudly, that effectively shut the small boy up.

“First of all, no I am not your substitute, though I am aware you aren’t even getting one. Second of all, before you interrupted me, I was going to say I have a delivery for someone. The other hero class said I would most likely find him in here, since he was not one of their classmates.”

With that being said, murmurs erupted between students, all of them wondering what this delivery could be, that such a beautiful woman was sent to give it to one of the boys. 

Looking down at the piece of paper that was folded into an envelope, Doctor Kumiko’s eyes furrowed a little more as she tried remembering the name Y/N gave her. Uh, something like Kamayama? Kamayari? Kama- oh whatever! Straightening up, she decided that she wouldn’t attempt to damage her pride and decided to read what was written on the paper instead.

“Is there anyone who recognizes the phrase ‘electrifying baby, electrifying’? A choked cough sounded throughout the now quiet room, everyone’s eyes trailing to the blonde with a black streak in his hair. Doctor Kumiko wondered if he had dyed his hair like that.

“Uhm I recognize it?” Kaminari was too nervous to even consider how this random lady even knew him and his cousins inside joke. It became a joke when Kaminari had accidentally used his quirk when he got angry at a game both of them were playing. He went into his dumb mode and that was the first thing he said just to show Y/N he was alive. He’s still embarrassed to this day because of his slip up.

“Here you go, I was told to hand this letter to you. I’m sure you know who it is though.” Giving the teenage boy a smirk, the doctor walked closer to him, placing the piece of paper in his palms.

“Alright, since that’s all I needed to do, I’ll head off now. Don’t you give any trouble to your teacher when he arrives.” With a stern voice, Kumiko exited the classroom, sliding the door shut and leaving the students in a stunned silence.

Looking down at the smooth, neatly folded paper in his hands, Kaminari goes to open it with furrowed eyebrows, only to have it snatched from his secured hands.

“Whose this from?! A secret girlfriend we didn’t know about?!!” Inspecting the letter, Mineta’s fingers itched to open the letter himself. No way could Kaminari have a girlfriend! There were better options out there, like him for example! Cue eye roll.

“What?! No of course not dude! Just gimme the letter-” Reaching down to take back the paper, a pink hand stopped him from getting it. 

“Kaminari! There’s no need to be shy about it! You know we wouldn’t judge you, no matter how you managed to get a girl to agree to go out with you!” Mina turned around to Hagakure and Tsuyu, the pink girl’s eyes shimmering with delight!

“Wow, do you think this could be one of those romantic letters couples send to each other!” Giggling, Mina and Hagakure began to try and unravel the paper, only to be stopped by another hand delicately taking the paper away. 

“Yah! I was going to open that!” Turning around, the pink haired girl faced Aoyama, who looked at the letter with slight curious eyes.

“Did you know Paris is actually known as the city of love? I like to say I’m an expert in that station!” A deafening silence rolled throughout the class, Mina and Mineta deadpanning at what the purple eyed boy said. Quickly jumping towards him, both the students wrestled Aoyama for the letter, making a ruckus around them.

“Hey why are you- Just give me the piece of paper, it’s mine!” Soon joining their hustling, Kaminari rushed to try and retrieve the letter from who he knew was his cousin. Why do they go touching things that aren’t theirs!, Kaminari thought.

Soon, the now wrinkled paper flew away from their little cluster, floating all the way to another students desk. That student's desk being Bakugou’s. Staring hard at the paper that laid on his desk, he drew his hand near it to pick it up. Kaminari began to grow even more worried.

“H-hey Bakugou, uh could you give me my letter?” Kaminari suppressed the urge to shiver as he made eye contact with Bakugou’s piercing red eyes. His gaze then shifted to the small wisps of smoke that began appearing in the hand Bakugou clutched the letter in.

“You idiots are really screaming at each other. Because of a paper?” Adding more to his irritation and annoyance, more smoke began appearing around his hand. Now he was angry at their stupidity.

“C’mon Bakubro, don’t be like that! Just give Kaminari his letter.” Kirishima tried coaxing the angry blonde, but that only seemed to irritate him even more. Planning on just setting the damn paper on fire so his classmates would shut up about the stupid love letter, he clutched it even harder in his hand. Only to have it ripped away from him by something sticky. Glaring at the short black haired boy, Sero quickly yanked the fragile paper towards himself. 

Right now, Kaminari was panicking outwardly, rushing towards Sero to cradle the now ruined letter. His annoyance shot up quickly, sending clear glares to the four who wouldn’t give him his letter. Mina, Mineta and Aoyama looked away with guilt painting their faces, while Bakugou growled at Sero. Growled.

“Ugh look at what you guys did I- '' Taking a deep breath in, he allowed himself to cool down. They were just too curious, he told himself. Walking back to his seat, with Sero following him, he sat down and put the delicate paper on his desk. The once smooth paper was now crumbled and burnt around the edges. Resisting the urge to rub his eyes, he turned to Sero once again.

“Thanks bro.”

“No problem.” Their exchange was short, yet Sero knew Kaminari’s words were genuine. 

“Sorry about your letter Kaminari, I was just too excited thinking about you having a girlfriend.” Mina awkwardly chuckled, Mineta and Aoyama following in suit with quiet ‘yeah’s’. Giving them a small smile, he waved them off.

“I guess it’s fine. I got excited too. But I don’t have a girlfriend, this letter is from my cousin.” Nodding, she still let out a meek sorry, embarrassed that she got the whole story wrong. Mineta and his words, ugh.

Looking back to Bakugou, said boy could only let out a grunt and look away from Kaminari. Snorting, he turned his attention to the letter and began carefully unfolding the folds that had formed an envelope shape. Kaminari let a smile grace his face. She used to like making origamis. I could never have the patience to fold these kinds of stuff.

After finally opening every fold with utmost delicacy, he squinted his eyes to read what Y/N had written for him. It was hard reading due to some of the paper being burnt and blackened. He managed to read what she wrote though.

Surprise on Friday :)

Kaminari didn’t even have a second to even dwell on what that could mean, jumping slightly in his chair when he heard the door to the classroom slam open. Golden eyes widening, he quickly stuffed the paper into his bag and watched as Aizawa entered the classroom. Those who were standing quickly rushed to their seats to avoid getting called out by the fully casted and bandaged man.

Listening to his teacher’s muffled voice, he reminded himself to ask Y/N what she meant later when he got home. It was very vague, but Kaminari didn’t dwell on the fact too long. After all, he had a full and exhausting day of school ahead of him!

#bakugou katsuki #bakugou #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #mha #bnha #mha angst #bnha fluff #bnha x reader #fanfic

[autumnleaves1991-blog]

The Next One’s on You 2/5

Whelp Maxwell Lord has been consuming my thoughts all day and I sat down and wrote out the next part. Part three probably won’t be out till Saturday but I didn’t want to wait to post this one. Thank you my darling @justanotherblonde23​ for being my emotional writing support buddy. Thank you for reblogging, commenting, and liking! Let me know if you want to be added to a Taglist. 

Summary: A series of moments in the life of Maxwell Lord x reader centered around drinks. 

Pairing: Maxwell Lord x F! Reader 

Warnings: 18 + for language and some making out 

Taglist: @josepedropascal @mrschiltoncat @ghostwiththemostbitch​ @mrsparknuts @oldstuffnewstuff @yespolkadotkitty @heythere-mel @justanotherblonde23 @artsymaddie @maxlordsgf @xjaywritesx 

My Masterlist  

Chapter One - Triple Espresso 

Chapter Two: Vodka Martinis 

A week passed, then two and nothing. Not a sound. Silence from the illustrious Maxwell Lord IV and so life moved on. The shop had a steady stream of customers, and evenings were spent vegging out in front of the TV in your pajamas with whatever dinner you scrounge together that night. You pull the vanilla ice cream closer to you and dig the spoon inside when your roommate Michael comes out his tight black jeans, and black turtleneck the sleeves rolled up to his elbow. 

“Oh honey, it’s a Saturday night,” he wiggles his butt at you, “you should come out with us tonight we’re going to that new dance club, get out of this depressing apartment.” 

“Oh yeah...that’s not really my scene. I would much rather be home with a good book or TV, but you go and have fun! Don’t worry about me,” you smile reassuringly and he scoffs. 

“How about a date then?” he uses the mirror on the wall to apply a thick layer of black eyeliner stopping to look over at you, eyebrow raised. 

“What?” 

“My friend Tom from work, he’s single and looking to mingle,” he wriggles his eyebrows up and down at you, “What do you say? Friday night dinner at Les Amis?” 

“That new French place downtown?” 

“Yeah, you’ve been talking about going there since it opened. Just give the guy a chance, what else would you be doing on a Friday night. Seems like your mystery man didn’t pan out.” 

“Mystery man?” you sit up straighter and place the open container onto the coffee table. 

“The one who left you those white roses,” he rolls his eyes and finishes the wing tip. Closing the tube with a snap and putting it into his fanny pack. Your heart sinks as you think about the beautiful flowers and the arrogant bastard who left them. 

“Oh those…” you say dejectedly. 

“So what about Tom?” he puts one hand on his hip and looks at your expectantly. 

“Oh…” what could be the harm, “sure why not. You’re right, I have nothing else going on, and I have been wanting to go there. Who knows maybe I will find the love of my life with this Tom.” 

He laughs, “there’s the spirit. Oh sweet little barista, we will find you love yet!” He pulls the door open and shut quickly, his platformed boots smacking loudly down the stairs. 

You groan, throwing yourself back against the couch, a hand coming up to massage at your temples. What’s the harm? Maybe this Tom guy will be wonderful and you’ll end up happily ever after, like one of those Disney movies. 

Friday night comes before you know it and you straighten your dress again in the mirror. The black cocktail dress is the nicest thing you own with short sleeves, a white lace collar, cut off just above the knee. You pair it with your sensible black heels grabbing your clutch and heading out to catch a taxi. 

When you pull up the lights from the restaurant twinkle and you gaze at the elegant people inside drinking champagne from tall flutes. You take a moment to imagine that’s you when you are interrupted by your thoughts by a tap on the shoulder. 

“Excuse me, are you y/n? Michaels friend?” you turn and look at an attractive man with short cropped black hair, thin lips, blue eyes, and a suit with a purple waistcoat. 

You nod smiling and reach out your hand, “Tom right?” 

His grip is firm and his palms are sweaty as he holds your hand up to his mouth and gives it a sloppy kiss. You give a slight grimace as you pull your hand away and cover it up with a smile. “Shall we?” you gesture towards the hostess and he nods, putting his hand on your lower back as you’re both led to the table, his hand dipping lower and squeezing your ass. 

He pulls out your chair and as you sit down and he leans toward you, “you look good enough to eat,” he murmurs in your ear and you have to suppress the uncomfortable feeling growing in your stomach. 

You try to laugh it off and concentrate on the meal. Conversation flows freely and you almost feel relieved until the end. “So why are you single?” he asks. 

Your drink catches in your throat you sputter out a surprised, “what?” he ignores you continuing. 

“I mean when Michael asked me if I wanted to go out with his friend I thought he meant one of those young things he goes out clubbing with every weekend. Obviously that isn’t you,” he takes a sip of his cocktail, “I mean you're pretty, but I think we both know this isn’t gonna go beyond tonight. So why don’t we just skip dessert and get out of here?” 

You stare at him incredulously wondering if he’s actually serious and when he just takes another sip and gestures for the check you close your eyes sighing. When you open them again he is sliding his credit card to the waiter and you look around the restaurant trying to think of a way out when you feel eyes burning on you. You slowly turn to the left and see a large table filled with men and women in expensive suits and dresses. Sitting at the head of the table and fuming is Maxwell Lord the fourth. 

Fuck. 

You groan and put your head down rubbing at your temples. You hear the pen scratch against the pad and Tom hops up to his feet and slides on his coat, holding a hand out to you. “Let’s get out of here baby, and I will rock your world.” 

“I’m not going to sleep with you,” you put your hands down flat on the table and look up at him. 

“I just bought you dinner,” he scoffs, “it’s time for you to return the favor baby,” he moves to grab your wrist and you pull it quickly from his grasp. 

“Please just leave, don’t make a scene,” you plead and he does what he’s done all night, ignored you. 

He bends and gets right in your face sneering, “Now I see why your single, fucking bitch to good for anyone. Maybe if you got some, you wouldn’t have that stick so far up your as-” you slap him hard across the face. Tears burning in your own eyes. 

He shakes his head in shock and the slap echoes across the restaurant, customers turning to stare. He rubs his cheek and looks like he’s about to explode grabbing the water glass closest to his hand he pours the entire contents of it hard at your face. The freezing water shoots in your eyes and you gasp as it soaks into your dress and into your underclothes. “Fucking bitch,” he shouts stomping out the door. 

You close your eyes and reach for your napkin using it to clean off your face. You listen for the noise of the restaurant to resume to a gentle hum before you open your eyes. You do everything in your power to avoid the eyes of the other patrons, especially Maxwell Lord. The waiter comes up to your grimacing, “Can I get you anything honey?” she asks, holding out another napkin. 

You shake your head no, gratefully accepting it and thanking her. She smiles lightly before leaving. You stand up and shiver, feeling the tendrils of water seep down your legs. Keeping your eyes straight ahead you walk out the door and suck in a large gulp of air, body trembling slightly as a cool breeze blows past. Instantly regretting the choice not to bring a coat. 

“You know, when I said the next drink is on you...I didn’t think you would take it so literally,” your eyes close and head drops as Maxwell Lord’s voice charms behind you. 

You sigh and turn towards him, taken aback at how he’s not smirking like you thought he would be. Instead his hands are clenching tightly in a fist and he looks downright boiling. Chest heaving, neck red, and a slight sheen of sweat on his brow. 

“What do you want Mr. Lord?” 

“I…” he unclenches his hand and runs it through his hair, “I wanted to know if you were alright, that was quite the scene inside… did he...did he hurt you?” his voice takes on a dangerous edge as your eyes raise to meet his own. 

“No,” you reply breathlessly before coughing, “No, I’m fine.” You shiver again as another burst of air blows past. 

You feel the heavy coat land on your shoulders before you see it. His suit jacket carefully pulls across your shoulders as he wraps it around you. You try to protest but he scoffs, “You’re freezing,” he chastises, “take the damn coat.” 

You say nothing pulling your arms through the sleeves and wrapping the front around your chest. You're enveloped in the scent of fresh linen and something spicy from his expensive cologne, and you sigh. “Thank you,” you whisper. 

“My limo is on it’s way, let me take you home,” he steps closer and you retreat. Defenses rising. 

“Thank you but I would rather catch a cab then step foot in your sex mobile,” you turn away from him attempting to flag down a cab but having no luck. 

He groans, “My sex mobile?” 

“Yes. Who knows how many women you’ve fucked in there I don’t want to catch some disease. Plus I already told you once Maxwell Lord the Fourth that I am not some cheap whore, and believe it or not I meant it.” 

“You don’t think I know that?!” he shouts and you whip around looking at him wide eyed. “Listen, I make it a habit of getting what I want. Whatever I want….women throw themselves at my feet, money freely flows, and I have a whole household of servants to do anything I want. I will admit that day I acted like an...an asshole but...you...you’re different.” 

“When I saw that guy treating you the exact same way I had...and then when he tried to grab you, I saw...red. That fucking…” he takes a breath to calm himself, “I know it’s not what you want but I would feel much better if you let me bring you home.” 

You observe him for another moment before nodding slowly. You just stare at each other, his breathing slowing and matching pace with yours and when the limo pulls up you both walk towards it, never breaking eye contact. You slid into the backseat and he follows his leg brushing your own. 

“Where to sir?” the driver asks. 

“Home,” he shouts back and your eyes widen. 

“I thought you said you would take me home?” 

“Yes, to my home. I want to take you out for a drink and being...well being me, I can’t do that without it causing a publicity nightmare…” He trails off looking at your wide eyes, “Is...is that okay?” 

You get the feeling he doesn’t ask for permission very often and you slowly nod your head. This had to go down as one of the strangest nights of your life. Tom certainly turned out to be the villain in your fairytale but maybe there was still hope for at least a nice ending. The driver makes twists and turns and your stomach flips as his hand moves down to grasp the seat, finger brushing right against your own. Without thinking you move your pinky over to graze over his ring. You hear his breath catch as he links his pinky with your own. 

The car pulls up to a gorgeous mansion with tall white columns and two marbled lion statues. The butler greets him at the door and you smile at him in greeting and hand over Maxwell’s coat. Maxwell takes your hand gently and guides you to another room. A large brown leather couch takes up the center of the room under a persian rug. A roaring fire in the fireplace illuminates the room in a warm glow, huge bay windows looking over an expansive garden and pool. He lets go of your hand and you feel the aftershocks slide up your arm from his touch. 

He goes over to the bar on the far wall and pulls down two glasses. Filling a shaker with ice you watch as he meticulously fills it with vodka and vermouth, slapping the glass over it before he lifts it over his shoulder and shakes it furiously. You can see his arms flex under the white linen shirt he wears held in place by a pair of brown suspenders. 

He slaps the side of the shaker to release it and strains them both into the glasses before spearing an olive and putting it into one glass and going to spear the other you shout, “No, please no olives,” he looks over at you eyebrow raised, “do you have any cherries?” 

He says nothing, only removing another saucer and tossing two cherries into the other glass and carrying both over. He hands you the drink and clinks his glass against yours taking a sip. You watch, mouth dry, as he swallows and his neck stretches deliciously. 

“Come,” he walks over to the couch and sits down patting the seat next to him. 

You take the seat hesitantly beside him and take a sip savouring the taste. He puts down his drink on the small table in front of you and turns to you, “I think we got off on a rocky start…” 

You snort, “you think?” 

He glares at you before smiling, “Yeah...that was probably my fault. So why don’t we try this again,” he holds a hand out to you, “I’m Maxwell Lord the Fourth, CEO of Chimtech Consortium.” 

You shake his hand feeling the electricity spark in your fingers again, telling him your name and adding the title of barista to the end. He repeats it slowly and feel yourself warm at the way your name comes out honeyed on his tongue. 

The ice broke, the two of you into easy conversation talking about everything. All about his company, his family, what he likes to do when he gets a free afternoon, and even his favorite color. The more you learn about him the more you begin to unravel the mystery of Maxwell Lord. You’re both on your third vodka martini of the night when he brushes his fingers over your cheek. 

“You have an eyelash,” he holds it on the tip of his finger putting it up gently to your lips, “make a wish,” he whispers. 

You close your eyes and blow gently, lips pushed together and you sigh when you feel the press of his lips against your own. It’s hesitant and barely there and when he pulls away you surge forward pressing your chest against his own and capturing his lips in a heated kiss. He responds eagerly and pulls you close till you're straddling his waist on the couch, his hands running up and down your back. You groan as you feel him rub gently against you and he uses it to lick his tongue into your mouth. 

You arch your back as you feel his tongue warm and velvety intermingle with your own. He scoots forward to the edge of the couch and pulls your legs to wrap around his waist. Hands moving lower to knead your ass gently through your dress. His foot kicks out and he knocks the drinks to the floor spilling onto the expensive rug. Glass shattering as they hit together just right. 

You both pull away breathing heavy to look at the ground, the vodka seeping into the rug. You burst out laughing and he looks at you with that damn eyebrow cocked again, “What’s so funny?” 

“I would like to get through one interaction with you without one of us spilling our drinks,” you tease eyes glittering as you smile at him. 

His lips curve up and he lets out a chuckle, pulling you close to resume his kisses, “Ok, I’ll take the blame for that one sweetheart but the next one’s are on you.” 

“Are you asking me out, Maxwell Lord the fourth?” you tease, pecking his lips gently. 

“Yes,” he pulls away looking serious again, “What do you say?” 

You throw your arms around his neck and kiss him again, “sure,” you let out breathlessly, “why the hell not?” Maybe you didn’t find your prince charming in Tom but something even better came along. 

Suddenly, the door is thrown open and a thin older woman with grey hair in an immaculate Chanel suit stalks over to you, “Who the hell is this Trollope Maxwell?!” she screeches. 

“Mother, please leave us alone,” he hisses. 

Mother? Oh fuck, what have you gotten yourself into now. 

Chapter Three: Orange Juice 

#maxwell lord #Maxwell Lord x reader #Pedro Pascal #ww84 #Wonder Woman 1984

[galaxina-the-pyro]

A Cure That Ails You

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" "I'm sure it's not, hon..." "Like, he asks me to all these things NOW?! While I'm trying to get over him?! That oblivious, kerfluffin-!" Schnitzel sighed deeply, rolling her eyes towards a sobbing mess of a seventeen-year-old Isabella. In hindsight, this was all on the former Fireside Girl - Phineas had asked her out to some stupid festival that Danville was setting up. Isabella turned him down. Phineas was disappointed but never once felt upset over Isabella's answer, only telling her that he'll still meet up with her at the festival or whatever with whomever she was gonna go with. She told him that that one kid named...uh...what was it...Everett? No, wait, that was the bastard who broke her heart after her Bat Quincinera Mitzvah party thing. That other boy who started showing signs of having a thing for Isabella was that one kid with that completely fake British accent. Bland and forgettable to Schnitzel, though Isabella fawned over the kid's sense of humor at the very least. Humor was important in a relationship. But if Schnitzel remembered this particular kid, she remembered that he seemed much more...flamboyant for someone Isabella would be pursuing. Not that Phineas didn't have those moments, it was more like this particular kid- "CLINTON!" Schnitzel shouted, "That's his name! Clinton, right?" Isabella whined. "Yes, Clinton," she leaned her head back against her couch, covered in crumbs of cookie dough and chips, "He already asked me before...before he did. I told him I was gonna think about it..." She scooped another clump of cookie dough into her mouth and chewed. Schnitzel examined her jaw bobbing up and down like a well-oiled garbage disposal. "Don't you like that kid?" she asked, "You told your other friends you liked him, anyway. They won't shut up about how..." she trailed off and shook her head, "You flipping lied to them, didn't you?" Isabella threw her hands up into the air, nearly sending her spoon flying into the air in the process. "They wouldn't shut up about it!" she cried out, mouth still full of dough, "The girls kept pushing how I shouldn't give up on him just yet!" she had the sense to swallow before she could choke on a chocolate chip, "That we were meant to be! Love knows no limits! You have to wait for it-UGH! I just-I couldn't take it anymore!" "I get what you're saying, kid," Schnitzel frowned deeply, "But that's not a cool thing to do to a guy like Clinton. He's a cool...well...nice dude, at least. Leading him on is kind of a jerk move on your end." The fat woman could feel the sense of irritation drooling from Isabella's tone as she turned to face her. Isabella sighed. "You really can't tell?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, "Clinton's gay. Like, really, really gay." Schnitzel was taken aback, but not by much. "...then," she paused, "Then why is he-?" "He's not out of the closet yet," Isabella shrugged, "I and another one of his friends are the only ones who know. Though honestly, I'm surprised no one's figured it out by now. It's kinda obvious." Schnitzel blinked. "I mean, I figured," she admitted, "But, like...why would he be pretending to-," she facepalmed, "Oh, duh, this is a setup. You're trying to cover up your crush, he's trying to cover up his," she smirked, "Which one of your friends is he pining for?" "Buford," Isabella said, "Totally Buford. He hangs out with him the most. The two like to jerk around with each other." Schnitzel nodded, smiling for a moment before she noticed Isabella slumping back into a depressed pile. The former villainess scowled slightly at the sight, having hoped changing the conversation to that of Clinton's dilemma would snap Isabella away from what happened with her and Phineas. Schnitzel picked up one of the empty cookie dough canisters and lifted it up for examination. "You know," Schnitzel said slowly, "You really don't have to lie to your friends. Just talk to them. Explain that you don't appreciate-." "They wouldn't understand," Isabella insisted, "They only ever backed off when I was with...you know...and now they're kinda backing off now that I'm...interested in Clinton, you know? I...I wanna keep it that way." "It's a dumb move," Schnitzel stated bluntly, "But...I see why you're doing it...at least partly," she turned the cannister, looking for the ingredients - the odor of the dough making her lick her lips, "Your friends mean well. They do. They shouldn't push this stuff, but they definitely care," she looked over at Isabella with a frown, "But maybe you're backing the wrong horse here, too?" Isabella squinted her eyes at the greying woman in her early fifties at best. "What do you mean?" she practically scowled. "I mean that maybe," Schnitzel leaned back slightly, not looking at Isabella, "Maybe they have a point...I'm not saying you should go back to how things used to be," she briefly placed the plastic onto her lap, "It's good to take breaks. Learned that from experience," she turned to the teen carefully, "But...is giving up on the kid entirely really what you want? Or do you think it's what you have to do because you need to start 'growing up' and moving passed those supposedly childish endeavors?" "I can't revolve my entire being to him all the time," Isabella insisted, "I'm more than that!" "Yeah, well," Schnitzel drummed her fingers on the bottom of the plastic canister, "Who said you had to give up on being with Phineas in order to do that?" Schnitzel regretted her choice words, regretted the look of sheer agony that graced Isabella's face from hearing the name of her heart's desire ring in her ears. The floodgates reopened as the strong, fearless leader, Isabella, once again succumbed to a sniveling mess. Schnitzel let out another deep sigh as she returned to examining the cannister. "Why does the world hate me?!" "Heck if I know." "I don't understand why emotions work the way they do! Why can't I just MOVE THE HECK ON?!" "Feel ya, girl. I really do," Schnitzel lit up, "OH! Here it is! Ingredients!" Isabella wailed, "H-he's just so PERFECT, Alice," she insisted, "Why must he make it so hard for me to move on from?! Why does he feel the need to squeeze at my heart?!" The broken sobs that followed were bone-shattering, even for Schnitzel. A wave of guilt washed over onto her, even as her eyes refused to leave to words on the container. "Oh, Isa..." she paused upon looking at the part of the container that specifically said 'do not consumer before baking' in bold letters, wondering why she hadn't noticed that before; she glanced around the empty as well as the partly empty containers on the ground, and barely noticed the large black garbage bag beside Isabella, slowly putting two and two together, "...uh...Isabella, how much cookie dough have you been eating?" Isabella's response was a mere hiccup and a cough, having nearly choked on some more cookie dough. "Why won't Phineas love me?" she sobbed before hugging her current container close to her chest like it was her offspring. Schnitzel swallowed some air and slowly stood up, the container in hand. "Ooooookay, that's enough cookie dough, Is," she looked at the container once more and gaped, "Why...why would you buy cookie dough that uses unpasteurized eggs?" Isabella coughed again. "Why does THAT matter?" she groaned. "Well," Schnitzel walked towards the garbage bag, opened it, and saw a lot of containers and empty chip bags of varying flavors, "Raw cookie dough already gives you a strong likelihood of getting foodborne diseases," Schnitzel failed to notice Isabella's coughing suddenly turning into gagging, "But when you use unpasteurized products, it also gives you the high risk of getting-" Schnitzel cringed as she heard Isabella lurch forward and, for lack of a better word, tossed up her cookies all over her feet. The woman need not turn to look at the poor child, but did so anyway and sighed as Isabella trembled in a bent up position, whimpering. "...salmonella." (~) "Oh, Izzy...oh you poor baby..." Isabella moaned as she leaned against the toilet, feeling Phineas' hands gently rubbing her back. He sighed and shook his head, as if somewhat disappointed in her. It was both painful to see, yet far more comforting than any medicine would do for her right now. "You really should be more careful," he said sternly, "What compelled you to eat all of that anyway?" "I was," Isabella gagged again and clutched the seat, wincing, waiting...but nothing came; she slowly turned back to Phineas and swallowed dryly, "Clinton broke it off with me. I...I didn't take it well." The look on Phineas' face was as heartbroken as it made Isabella feel. She hated to see Phineas look so hurt, even when it was because she was the one in pain. She felt his arms gently wrap around her waist and his chin rest on her head ever slightly. "I'm so sorry," he said, "I know you liked him a lot." "I...yeah," Isabella laughed softly, "I did...I do...but..." her chuckles became shaken, "Phineas, I...I need to..." she fought the need to wretch as the words echoed in her mind like a broken record. "Who said you had to give up on being with Phineas...?" "Isabella?" Isabella could barely turn to look at Phineas like her neck was locked into place. But from the corner of her eyes, she could see the kindness and love that Phineas had on his face. Platonic or not, that love was real - that love was far more than worth fighting for. Worth pursuing even. He proved that by coming over today on such short notice. He proved that by dropping everything just to go see if she was doing okay. He loved her. He loved her so much... "I lied." Phineas blinked, tilting his head. "Lied?" he asked, "About what?" Isabella breathed slowly. "About me and Clinton," she explained, "I made it-made it all up," she sucked up on some air and choked in down, "I'm so, so sorry, I was," the tears poured, "I was just so tired of it all...they had so many expectations for me," she shook her head, "I just couldn't stand it. I wanted to prove I could really stand on my own." "What are you talking about?" Phineas seemed to pull in closer to Isabella, his voice filled with...hope, perhaps? Isabella wasn't entirely sure. But she desperately wanted that to be the case. That would make this so much easier to do. "From the day I met you," Isabella paused, "No, that's silly...for a long time, since we were little," she grimaced, "I felt strong feelings for you...I...loved you...and whether I wanted to or not, I," she almost broke out into a sob, the pain too much for her to handle as her stomach twisted, "I still love you. I still want you. I wish I was," she shook, "I wish I was strong enough to have told you this when-." "Izzy." Isabella flinched at her nickname, her body finally allowing her to turn and look at Phineas, who pulled his arms away from her. He cupped her face. A tender grin formed on the boy's face as he rubbed his thumb across her cheek to wipe away a stray tear. "Izzy," he repeated, "I always-." Before he could finish, Isabella gasped out in agony and turned back to the loo, chundering once more. Phineas immediately went into position, lifting up Isabella's hair, serenely humming as she finished, a worried frown still in place even as he continued to try and soothe her. Once Isabella had finished, she looked over at Phineas, a shaken up smile forming. He opened his mouth to finish his previous statement before the door opened. "I'm back with some water," Schnitzel stated walking in slowly, looking around, "Were you...talking to someone?" Isabella was afraid to look away from Schnitzel. She was afraid to look behind her. She really didn't have to. She already knew the truth, anyway. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt her to see the confirmation first hand. And yet her head turned. Like an idiot, she looked, a small, stupid bead of hope shining in her chest. The same one that refused to die like the rest of it. And the fruits of that hope was met with an empty spot where Phineas was once kneeling at. Some hair that he had been caressing slid onto her skin as she sniffed. Schnitzel took another step closer. "Isabella?" The automatic action of any human being with even the smallest shred of decency was to immediately reached down and clutch the poor, sobbing mess close to her. The once ugly tears of over-dramatics had turned into something far more self-destructive. Schnitzel felt this the moment she felt Isabella's tears on her shoulder as she hugged her close. Rather than disappear, the bead of hope in Isabella's chest proceeded to taunt her with small maybe's and what if's before it was briefly drowned away in fragmented sorrow. Who did Isabella think she was kidding? Phineas would never truly feel that way for her, no matter how many times she could've sworn he did.

"Let it out, Izzy," Schnitzel cooed, brushing the girl's black locks between her fingers, "Let it out..."

#phineas and ferb #pnf #fanfiction #isabella garcia-shapiro #alice schnitzel #phinbella #phinabella #phinebella #phineabella #phinibella #phisabella #phineas and isabella #phineas x isabella #oc #fan character #i wrote this with basically no context whatsoever #so #i assume everyone will be very confused with Schnitzel's presence in this story #but I like drawing and writing about Schnitzel #so there #I'm very shameless #but yeah #this is how I think she got salmonella #hope you like it #and I'll write about the Bat Quincenera thing one of these days #I just don't really know ENOUGH about Bat Mitzvahs or Quinceneras to really #you know #write about a combined version? #and I don't wanna offend people #but yeah expect that later down the line

[fanmoose12]

“Hange!” Levi shouted, as he banged his fists against the piece of offending furniture. “Open that goddamn door!”

“Levi…” Hange sighed wearily. Levi didn’t like the tone of her voice. Hange never spoke like this. “Just leave me alone.”

“The fuck I will!” Levi almost growled. “Open that door or I swear I’ll break it down!”

“There is nothing you can do!” Hange screamed. A moment later, she started coughing, and Levi heard as she slid down to the floor. “There is nothing you can do,” she repeated, her voice raspy. “It’s best if I stay here, alone, until… Well,” she laughed bitterly. “You know.”

“I’m not letting you fucking die, Hange!”

“And what are you going to do? You saw those people, you saw how they’ve died! You know you can’t help me.”

“Well, the least I can do is try,” Levi slid to the floor as well, not caring about his pristinely white coat. He leaned against the door. “Hange, please…” his voice was quite, almost a whisper. “Just let me help you.”

“No, Levi, I can’t. This thing is highly contagious, I can’t risk you becoming infected as well.”

“Bullshit,” Levi answered, getting angry again. Why Hange wouldn’t listen to him? Just for once in their goddamn lives? “I’ve been treating those patients alongside you. And I still feel fine, so let me in.”

“Fine, maybe you aren’t infected, or maybe you aren’t as susceptible to the disease as I am, but Levi! Remember those patients. They’ve died before we could do anything! I don’t think I have much time left.”

“And if you continue to sit here, wallowing in self-pity, you’ll have even less time. Don’t be an idiot, Hange. You’ve told me yourself that this new bacteria has a very short lifespan. What exactly you’ve told me?”

“I said they probably live for only 24 hours, but Levi—!”

“Don’t ‘but Levi’ me,” he grumbled, cutting her off. “I know that this is just your theory, but more often than not, your theories are correct, Hange. I’m willing to bet that this one is correct as well. So if I manage to keep you alive for just a day, I believe that you’ll be able to fight off the disease.”

“You really believe that?” Hange’s voice was quiet and unsure.

“I do believe that,” Levi replied. “I will do anything to save you, Hange. You did the same thing for me, after all.”

“I did?” Hange chuckled, surprised by his words.

“Of course,” Levi nodded, even though Hange couldn’t see him. “Remember our college days? I’ve gotten a bad case of stomach flu, and have been puking my insides for three days straight. And you haven’t left my side even for a moment. Or, that time,” Levi closed his eyes, feeling the old wounds reopen. “When I got into that car accident? When I was lying in the hospital bed, all broken and despaired? When I have been grieving and mourning Isabel’s and Farlan’s deaths? When all I wanted to do was to curl up and fucking die?”

“Levi… I—”

“No,” Levi continued, ignoring Hange’s words. “You have to listen to this, Hange. I wanted to die back then, there was no reason for me to live, but you… you gave me a reason. You haven’t left me even then, you found this job for me, and—”

“Erwin got this job for you,” Hange reminded. “I just gave him your resume.”

“Whatever. Erwin gave me a purpose, but you… your kindness and friendship gave me a reason to get up in the mornings. I know it sounds fucking pathetic, but…” Levi trailed off, rubbing his face. “You make me happy, Hange. I love my job and I love helping people, but even more so, because I can do this alongside you. So, Hange, please, let me in. Let me help you, because I don’t think I can live, if I lose you as well.”

For a long moment there was silence, and Levi already prepared to say something more or to act on his promise and break the fucking door, when it finally opened.

Hange stood on the other side, leaning against the chair and breathing heavily. She was pale – cyanotic, the doctor in Levi said, but he didn’t listen to it. Cyanotic meant… no, cyanotic meant bad things, awful things, but Levi wasn’t going to focus on them. Hange was just pale, she had two night shifts in a row and she was understandably exhausted. A good night sleep was all she needed to feel better again.

“Let’s get you in bed,” Levi hugged Hange by the shoulders, leading her into one of the wards for the infectious patients.

“Are you saying this to all of your patients?” Hange giggled.

“I’m glad to know that the disease hasn’t affected your sense of humor. It’s still as horrible as it always have been.”

“Oi, it’s rude to talk to your patient that way!”

Levi shook his head in exasperation. “Just change your clothes and lay in bed. I’ll go and bring the needed equipment.”

“Levi,” Hange touched his arm. When he looked at her, there was a tiny, fond smile on her lips. “You don’t need to tell me all this stuff. I’m also a doctor, remember?”

“Oh, yes, of course,” Levi nodded. “Sorry, just a habit,” he took Hange’s hand into his and briefly squeezed it. “I’ll be right back.”

After Levi brought everything he needed, connected Hange to the numerous tubes and wires, injected her with the strongest antibiotics their hospital had, there was nothing left for him to do rather than to stay by her side and watch every change, hoping for Hange’s fast recovery.

“Levi…” Hange slowly began. Levi turned his gaze away from the monitors and looked at her. But just as soon, he averted his eyes – Hange seemed so frail, so feeble in that bed. “If I d—”

“You won’t.” Levi instantly cut her off, refusing to hear what she wanted to say next. “You’ll survive this shit and will be back on your feet in no time.”

“But those patients!” Hange protested.

“Those patients were already weak. Their immune system was compromised, and they had a dozen of concomitant diseases. You, on the other hand, are young and healthy. You’ll be fine, and I don’t want to hear another word from you about death or some other depressing thing. Better yet, stop talking and get some rest.”

“That’s doctor’s orders?” Hange grinned weakly.

“You’re goddamn right,” Levi showed a small smile of his own.

Hange stared at him for another moment, before closing her eyes and falling into a restless slumber.

 ***

When she woke up, Hange's condition had considerably worsened. Her Sp02 was rapidly decreasing and Levi even had to put an oxygen mask over her face. With his heart in his throat, he watched how Hange was desperately trying to breathe, her chest heaving up and down.

“It hurts, Levi,” she croaked out. “It hurts so much.”

“I know,” Levi’s one hand held Hange’s and another one was softly playing with her hair. “I know it hurts, Hange, and I’m sorry. But you are strong, you can endure this. Soon it will pass, and you’ll feel better, I promise.”

“I…” Hange had another coughing fit, which shook her body. Levi shuddered as he saw blood on the white sheet of her bed. “I… need,” Hange continued when her coughing had subdued. “I need a reason… to survive.”

“Alright,” Levi gently caressed her palm. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

A small smirk appeared on Hange’s bloodied lips. “That’s a dangerous promise, doctor Ackerman.”

“I’m a dangerous man,” Levi shrugged, his eyes darting to the monitor beside Hange. It showed that Hange’s Sp02 almost returned to normal. Levi let himself relax. “So what do you want?”

Hange looked away from him, as an almost shy expression appeared on her face. “A date,” she whispered so quietly, Levi had to strain his ears to hear it.

“A date? With whom?”

“With whom do you think?” Hange glared at him. “Of course, I’m asking you to arrange me a date with Mike.”

“Mike?” Levi raised his eyebrows. “But he’s married!”

“You’re lucky,” Hange took a deep, shaky breath. “You’re lucky I’m weak now, Levi. I would have kicked you otherwise. I was talking about a date with… you.”

“Oh,” Levi’s eyes widened. “You want to go on a date with me? Alright, y-yeah, okay. Yes, I agree.”

Hange gave him a critical look. “Are you agreeing just because I’m on my death bed?”

“Idiot,” Levi growled, resisting the urge to smack her head. “You’re not on your death bed, and I didn’t agree out of pity or anything. Actually…” Levi trailed off, feeling his cheeks redden. “Actually I wanted to ask you out for a very long time. Just couldn’t find the courage to do so.”

“You wanted to go on a date with me?” Hange asked quietly. Levi didn’t know if her voice was so weak because of her illness, or she just couldn’t believe him.

“Of course, I did, four-eyes. I still do. I… I had a crush on you… for a while.”

Truth be told, Levi had a crush on Hange for as long as he knew her. However, something always stopped him from confessing his feelings. Maybe, he just didn’t want to make a fool out of himself, or maybe, he was afraid of her refusal. He didn’t want to destroy their friendship with his stupid, inappropriate feelings. Levi had never been so happy to be proven wrong.

“You have a crush on me?” Hange’s lips curled into a smile, and Levi’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of it. He loved that smile so much…

“I think we’ve already established that,” Levi hid his blushing face, lowering his head. Well, one of his fears did come true. Talking about his feeling was the worst. “Better tell me, where do you want to spend our first date?” Levi began, trying to keep Hange’s mind away from her pain. “I would have thought of something myself, but,” he shook his head. “You know I suck at this kind of things.”

“I want to go to the amusement park,” Hange sighed dreamily. “I want to go on a Ferris wheel. We’ll be holding hands and looking at the night city. And cotton candy! Yes, we will be sharing a cotton candy.”

Levi made a face. “I hate those things. They’re sticky and way too sugary.”

“Too bad, Ackerman,” Hange smirked. “You’ve already agreed to this.”

Levi sighed, admitting his defeat. “Alright, what else do you want to do?”

“Mm, then we should take a ride on a roller coaster, the biggest one they had. I hope, you’ll be screaming like a little girl.”

“Keep dreaming, four-eyes,” Levi softly chuckled.

“And then I’ll drag you to the shooting range. I’ll make you win me the biggest plushie they have.”

“And the ugliest, no doubt.”

“Ah, you know me so well,” Hange softly smiled.

“That I do,” Levi agreed. “Now, c’mon, stop talking,” his eyes slightly narrowed, as he saw Hange’s saturation begin to decrease again. “Save your breath and go to sleep. I’ll be there, when you wake up.”

 ***

Levi was slumping in his seat, watching every rise and fall of Hange’s chest. Hoping that movement doesn’t stop.

“Are you watching me sleep?” Hange mumbled without opening her eyes. “Creep.”

“I’m not a creep,” Levi answered, feeling his lips involuntarily twitch into a smile. “I’m a professional.”

“Mm, that’s what all creeps say.”

“Are you feeling better?” Levi got to his feet, deciding to inject Hange with another antibiotic.

“Not really,” Hange answered, avoiding his eyes. “How long have I been sleeping?”

“For a few hours.”

“Have you gotten any sleep?”

It was Levi’s turn to avoid Hange’s eyes. “I’ll rest when you get better.”

“Levi,” Hange chided. “You have to get some sleep.”

“You know I don’t need it much.”

“Alright, maybe, you don’t need to sleep,” it looked like Hange wasn’t going to give up easily. “But what about your other patients? Don’t you have to take care of them?”

“Who are you taking me for, four-eyes?” Levi rolled his eyes. “I’ve asked Mike and Erwin to look after them. Besides, I’m helping hundreds of patients right now.”

“Huh?” Hange’s face scrunched into a confused expression.

“I’m saving your life, dumbass,” Levi said in a far softer voice that he intended. “And by saving yours, I’m saving lives of other patients you’re going to help after you get back on your feet.”

“Levi…” Hange searched for his hand, and when she reached it, she took it in hers and squeezed. She looked deep into his eyes, not knowing what to say. She wanted to say so much, but she couldn’t do it. Not now, not until she actually gets better.

“It’s been almost fifteen hours since you’ve become ill,” Levi changed the subject, feeling the strange tension in the room. The look in Hange’s eyes was so intense and almost unreadable. “Ten more hours and you’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“I’ve told you already – I am a professional,” Levi huffed. “And I never give my patients false hopes.”

“So, I’m your patient, huh?” Hange looked at him with that mischievous glint in her eyes. With that expression on her face, she seemed almost healthy, almost normal. “Say, doctor Ackerman, am I your favorite patient?”

“No,” Levi replied curtly. “And let’s not make a habit of it, four-eyes.”

“Let’s not a habit of what? You taking care of me?”

“Let’s not make a habit of you getting dangerous diseases, idiot.”

“Can’t promise you anything, but… I’ll try.”

“With you, four-eyes, I couldn’t have hoped for a better answer.”

“Jeez, that’s so embarrassing,” Hange chuckled quietly. “But I’m getting sleepy again.”

“Drugs make you sleepy. Besides, your body needs as much energy as it can get. And I don’t think I need to explain it to you, Doctor Zoe.”

“Maybe, I just wanted to listen to the sound of your voice,” she showed Levi another one of her gentle smiles. “I’ll rest my eyes then,” she said, closing them. “Just for a while.”

Levi nodded and leaned in, kissing her sweat-covered temple. “Take your time.”

 ***

Levi didn’t know for how long he was sitting there, watching Hange and the monitors beside her bed. Her condition wasn’t improving, but it also wasn’t worsening. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. She was… stable. It gave Levi hope. That Hange had defeated the disease. That she would be alright. That she wouldn’t leave Levi alone.

Levi checked his watch. It’s been almost 24 hours, since Hange had contacted the disease.

He decided to perform an experiment of his own.

Slowly, with his heart pounding in his chest and his hands trembling, Levi took off Hange’s oxygen mask. His eyes were glued to the monitor, looking for any change. He scanned each parameter again and again – Hange’s Sp02, heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature – everything seemed to be normal.

He waited for a minute, than two. Nothing changed. Levi almost breathed out in relief.

And then Hange opened her eyes.

“You know as much as I like to see your face after waking up,” she drew out, smirking. “You’re looming over me like some kind of murderer.”

Levi didn’t reply, he said absolutely nothing, staring at Hange with wide, almost unblinking eyes.

“Um, Levi?” Hange called, feeling slightly uneasy. His gaze was quite unnerving. “Is everything alright?”

Again, Levi didn’t speak, but Hange suddenly noticed that he was holding something in his right hand. She squinted her eyes, trying to take a better look. “Oh,” she breathed out, as she finally understood what he was holding. “Is that my oxygen mask?”

Levi nodded, still staring at her.

“And I can breathe without it?”

Levi nodded once more.

“Oh,” Hange couldn’t quite wrap her head around. “So does that mean that I…”

“Yeah,” Levi sighed, letting go of the mask and leaning closer to Hange. “You’re getting better, Hange.”

“Well, that quite unexpected turn of events,” she chuckled.

Levi slightly pulled at her hair. “What the fuck do you mean? Did you doubt my skills as a doctor?”

“Maybe, the tiniest bit?” Hange giggled, making an innocent expression.

Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Idiot,” he scolded her fondly.

“Mm, but I’m glad I’ve survived. Because that means we can go on our date!”

“Let’s start with getting you back on your feet,” Levi reminded. “And Hange?”

“Yes?”

“Please, take a shower before going on a date with me.”

Hange burst out laughing. “For you, my clean freak, I’ll even wash my hair!”

“What an honor,” Levi grumbled with a smile on his lips and a soft look in his eyes.

#i had to use all my medical knowledge to write this thing #although the fact that im on fifth year of a medical school doesn't mean im good at it kskldgjlsjg #levihan #levi ackerman #hanji zoe #hange zoe #levi x hange #levihan fanfiction #levi and hange #levi x hanji #Shingeki no Kyoijin #snk #snk fanfiction #snk fandom #levi attack on titan #levi snk