#my friends from hs see it on Instagram sometimes too | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rome-roy · 10 months

Text

wowowow fun :) my only remaining friend from high school (and real life) has now blocked me on instagram and privated her account. I guess so she can chat shit about me! And like I’m sad to lose her but also…

I’m definitely in the wrong myself but to just drop me? ok sure… that’s reasonable.

I want to rant for a sec. You don’t need to read this but feel free to tell me if I’m the asshole. I know I am a bit but… yeah. I feel guilty but not enough to warrant her reaction? Maybe?

So we’ve been friends since HS, but I left school and moved away. So we’ve kept in contact on and off over the years. Saw each other rarely but it sometimes it happened. I could probably count on my hands the amount of times we’ve seen each other (less than 10.)

One thing that is clear about me to anyone and most certainly her: I am terrible at staying in contact.

I’ll see a message and say I’ll respond later. And then it gets too late. Weeks go by. Most of the time I completely forget about it. And I end up not responding at all. I dislike this about myself. A lot of the time I don’t respond because I need time to think about the message or time where I don’t have distractions around me. The only time I can guarantee this is when I go to bed, and sometimes I’m just too sleepy or want to chill. Tough cycle to break.

Anyway, she knows this about me. I’ve been like this since high school. She’s never been mad about it, or at least she’s not said anything. We usually fall back into old ways before I lapse again.

Before lockdown (or the year of?) we decided to try writing some scripts together. We’ve been trying to do it for ages, but it’s hard to pin me down. I have no schedule, I cannot ever guarantee her a time in which we can both hop online and write. This especially got harder when she moved to Korea. Like where my life is at the minute… I don’t think anyone really understands how it makes me feel and how I feel I can’t do anything. I cannot dedicate my time because I don’t know what’s happening week to week, and I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else around me. I already feel like such an inconvenience to them.

ANYWAY, I told her this a few months ago, along with the fact that I’m just not feeling the story anymore and I’m struggling to be creative. I hoped that would be it, I’d have some space from the writing till I was able to think again. I was also kinda annoyed that we weren’t starting from scratch like we said we would but just editing what we had. We both agreed it needed to be completely rewritten… but no? She sent me a couple of voice notes, I didn’t have the time to listen to them straightaway so I put it off… we know how this goes.

So instead of just leaving me be for a bit she continues to message me. She messages me when she sees I’m online. Keeps trying to catch me out. And this kinda pisses me off. I don’t like that behaviour, just because I’m online doesn’t mean I have to talk to her. She doesn’t know what’s going on in my life. Having constant access to people online has fucked the world up a little - being online does not mean fully available and at your disposal. Oftentimes I wouldn’t actually be online. I’d click onto messenger to check the family groupchats and then go off… but it still says you’re active for a little while after that. I guess it’ll say you’re active if you have the tab open too. Not only did I not have time to start up a conversation with her but her trying to make me respond to her made me put it off even more.

Eventually she just messages me and says, to sum it up, ‘bye.’ I’m like… okay so… is this it?? She’s dropping me? None of my behaviour is out of the ordinary for me, I’ve never argued with her, never said a bad word, never fallen out with a friend before. After a few weeks she tries to catch me out some more. There’s a bit of attitude to her words and I’m not about that.

ON MY BIRTHDAY she posts a very plain ‘happy birthday!’ on my page. I honestly thought she wouldn’t bother. I can’t avoid it any longer, I say thanks and that I’m going to reply to her and explain. But it’s my birthday, I plan to do it the next day. No. That night she messages me after seeing I’m online and says ‘I thought we were friends??’ I’m tired and honestly just doing a quick scroll on insta before bed but I write back to give a brief summary and that I’ll reply in full later because I’m tired. I tell her that I see I’ve caused her pain and how terrible I feel, which I 100% do. She doesn’t respond straightaway so I go to sleep.

Next day I see she’s said that ‘it hasn’t caused [her] pain it’s just fucking annoying, do [I] want to write with [her] or not?’ and… I have been so so tempted to say ‘do you want a friend or do you a writing partner?’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. Because this is the only reason she’s been messaging me - so that I will write with her. The only reason she’s been in touch with me for a long while. I’ve been telling myself that people only want me around so they can use me for something that they want. She only talks to me because she wants to write this thing, for her benefit. Never about me, never reaching out for me. She has a fancy to start writing this again and that’s when she reaches out. That message really highlights that point to me, and the fact that the potential that she may have lost my friendship hasn’t actually caused her pain? But it’s been hurtful to me thinking she’s done? Like… do you actually care about me or do you just want me so you can write?

The story isn’t even what we started out with and has been really dominated by her and she’s never truly listened to anything I’ve said. I’ve tried to make her follow structures (and I hate structures usually but we really needed them) and suggested helpful things. It kinda means nothing but I do have a masters in creative writing, I know what I’m talking about. Yet all my suggestions go unfollowed.

She has not been the greatest friend to me (her 2019 birthday is a while other story), but I still love her. So I’m hurt. But in some respects I do wonder whether it’s for the best to maybe let her go. She’ll be fine, I know. She has lots of other friends and she has a boyfriend now. I don’t think she needs me… and I don’t think she’s wanted me for me in quite some time.

It’s a bit much for her to just go and block me. Like. I’m literally doing nothing. I’m not even posting, haven’t watched her insta story in a long time. But whatever. If she wants to go drastic and cut me out of her life like that so be it. I wonder if she’s going to unfriend me next?

I do plan on messaging her, maybe it will end up being the last time, but I don’t want to argue. I hate arguments so much, especially when we should be able to communicate like civilised adults.

#she’s on here but I don’t know if she ever uses it #don’t need to read! just ranting

0 notes

mockerycrow · 10 months

Note

So we all are gay here, what's your story for knowing you're also into women?? In my case it was 2013/2014 and i had a crush on either ellie (tlou) or matoi ryuko (kill la kill) when i was still in middle school .it was...i gotta say interesting because i saw these girls and went "oh if i were a boy i would treat you SO right" i didnt know that ellie a lesbian back then despite alr watching the dlc too (ig thats for growing up in an anti lgbt society) and i came to a realization that she's actually!!! Into girls??? And exclusively girls???? I HAVE A CHANCE!!! Thats like 3 or 4 years after which around 2016/2017 😭 (also in the year 2014 i knew right away I'm a bisexual but imagine not being able to talk abt it to anyone for years until i found my queer friends in hs, also still a bit of internalized homophobia oh lord)

Fast forward to 2020, we all graduated hs 2 year ago, well into 2 years into uni, and iirc i reconnected w a hs friend on instagram who was infamously known being borderline lesbian (she didn't know that yet at the time) and also the society we're in so religious and she came from a religious family AND LOOK WHERE SHE IS NOW SHE'S MY GF!!! It's amazing how same hobbies reconnected ppl that it was their own love story

(sorry if this too personal i have no one to talk abt this beside my rlly queer circle and they alr know us we all in the same hs afterall 😔)

- 🛼

okay so, the funny thing is—I knew I liked girls before I liked boys. I’ve always known I’ve liked women, it was never a big “aha” moment or anything, and when i figured out i also liked boys, it’s was just a “cool… anyways—“ moment LMAO

I would play moviestarplanet and pretend to be a boy to date girls, I would do that on every game possible. Ellie was one of my first video game crushes!

i’m bisexual w/ a strong preference for women, but i also heavily identify with the label queer, so i go back and forth. i’ve never had any experiences with women unfortunately:( just 2 men. hoping to have a girl come into my life and make the first move!!

and i know it’s bad, but i lowkey want that.. homoerotic situationship with another girl if that makes sense. kisses and praise behind closed doors but in public, we’re just friends. and if it develops into a relationship? yipee!!!!

i identified as a lesbian for a couple of years due to realizing that i liked girls first, then i liked 2 guys, broke it off with one of them years later and now i’m realizing that i heavily prefer women. sometimes i think i might be a lesbian, but then i’ll see an attractive man at the gym or something, there’s a lot of unresolved stuff internally but i’ll figure it out!

edit: this may be a shock to y’all, but i don’t really have friends LMAOO i stick to myself. i enjoy these talks

#bisexual #queer #sapphic #wlw #wlw post #crow answers

0 notes

blogger-yura · 3 years

Text

Entry #26 Oct 21st '21

#YurasLife #ChoisDiaries #Cat #Animals #Adopt

𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐓𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐝𝐚𝐲 - 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢'𝐬 𝐀𝐝𝐨𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Hello hello my pretty angels! ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭ How are you doing today! How is the week treating you all? Have you been sleeping enough? Eating well? Staying hydrated? I certainly hope so! Do you guys have any plans for today? Thursdays are chill days for me, for some reason. I never seem to do much on them in comparison to other days! Do you have a day like that? Just like, a boring day? LOL

Since I don't have much to do, and therefore don't have much to share on Thursdays! I'm doing another little throwback~. This time I guessed I could share the story of how I got this dumbass, since many of you seem to have liked Choi ♡ Also it's been a while since be last featured!

So, now it's been almost a year and a half since I got lil Choi? Maybe! He's still pretty much a baby, I sometimes forget since he's so big! It feels like it's been forever too.

When I first moved from Busan I was having a super hectic and busy life- First few months in a new city, all alone, trying to figure out how to survive and stuff, I didn't really realize how lonely I was gonna feel because I didn't have time to do so. I actually moved to Seoul without a plan, you know? Didn't have a real place, didn't have a job or a lot of money. You know know they say! You never know until you try! So I really did try and went big and moved across the country hahaha Luckily everything worked out well! But when I moved into my ~current~ apartment and settled down properly I grew bored soooo fast! I had a small part time job as I was focusing on my projects but I was all alone and it was boring and kinda sad (｡•́︿•̀｡)

A friend I made sent me an Instagram post back then, actually. I would talk to him about how I was thinking about getting a pet to keep me company but I wasn't sure because I had never taken care of another being before. Hs stumbled upon this shelter though, a few stray kittens had arrived (Choi and his siblings!) and were looking for a new forever home! I did hesitate a little, adopting a pet its scary! Especially when they're babies, they depend on you so much and I was so worried I wasn't fit enough for it.

I think I actually decided yes like, a month later? Choi was the only one left! And to be honest it was an instant connection! He was sooo happy to see me and I was so moved by his sole existence (〒﹏〒) So I took him home that day! I was lucky he was sooo well behaved on his own too, learned how to use his litter box so fast and would sit quietly waiting for food every day, honestly a dream cat for a new mom hahaha!

Sometimes I wonder how it would've been if I had gotten him sooner? Or not at all, alternatively. I don't think I would've been able to make it without this dummy, he's been such awesome support for me! I wonder if he knows too, how much he means to me. I don't think I'd have this kind of connection with any other cat.

Do you think pets realize? All the things they mean and do for us. Do you think they know or feel it when we feel a certain way? I remember sometimes, on my harsher days alone, Choi would just come up to me and snuggle as if he knew I needed it.

I think pets are also a soulmate of sorts for us, they teach us so much in such unique ways! I certainly think they're a little magical on their own small ways.

Anyway! I'll stop now because this is getting too long and silly! Do you have pets, though? How did they come into your lives? I'd love to know and see them! Please send pics of your babies to me ♡

I hope you guys enjoyed today's post! I'll make sure to bring Choi around more often for your guys entertainment too hahaha Please take care! Stay warm and always remember that I love you! I'll see you around soon~ All the love, -Yura ♡

🧡: @madmanwoodam @vitoria-oc @archangel-oc @shin-haneul @lunaaofthemoon @moongoddesselene @jinju-oc @ochouse @cbville @esmeralda-oc @jihan-oc

@cb-museclub @achillesunwoo @ares-bc @warblerchangmin @mafia-chae @unseelie-dejun @skzcbspam @betrayerjongup @ppg-3ye @moonlightchn @temptationcb @demigodnct @vampiremomo @suburbanbots @antiromantic-jun @roommates-bot @modelyonghee @floristyujeong @literature-bot @eunwoo-bot @hopelessromantic-juyeon @silvernightcb @choipaths @botuniverse @modelsora @adorbsana @richsocietybot @runawayscb @godly-bots @hwangxmaximoff @velvetparadise @berryjinnie @revengebots @urown-im @azieville-institution @7deadlysins-chan @journeythroughtime @mverses

#yura types 🧡#throwback thursday

42 notes · View notes

1ddotdhq · 4 years

Text

🖕Mon Sept 28 ‘20 👓

First things first: see ya Psycho! Music Week published an article confirming Syco’s “low-key” demise. Music Week tells us two interesting things - the first is that “artists from [Cowell’s] TV show will now be free to sign to any label, with Sony no longer enjoying first refusal”. The second interesting tidbit is that “all Syco Music employees and artists have now either been redeployed within Sony Music, or have left the company”. Happy days!

More like busy days - for Harry, at least! He was seen yesterday evening in LA, taking pictures with a fan. He was wearing a mask (sexy) and a mini hair clip (less sexy, but adorable nonetheless). We can take this as an indication that pre-production for Don’t Worry Darling is likely underway, and as he’s the lead male role (!!!!!!), he has RESPONSIBILITIES and so he had to be there before the day of the actual shoot. Your intern spent a few hours reading up on film set guidelines, so I’m going to tell you that at some point between the UK, Italy, the UK again, and LA, Harry got himself screened and tested negative for COVID, as is mandatory to do before entering a film set. These sets are closed, and any visitors must also undergo screenings, as far as I could tell. Anyways, hopefully that keeps him safe and busy for the next few months!

His Grammy campaign is ALSO underway, as his team told Music Week that they’ve “got a few more things up [their sleeve] for the rest of the year, but [we’ll] have to wait and see”. Is it the Golden video? I bet it’s the Golden video. Some more information about Harry’s accessories also became available to the public today: his custom vampire wife blue HS bag was VERY custom-made, apparently, as he specifically requested that color blue for his initials (the letters are normally done in a ~golden~ thread, which makes it funner, imo). In case you’re curious - it IS the same color as his Light’s Up costume, the Vespa, the room that Falling was shot in, and on and on and on. He does seem to rather have a fascination with that color, doesn’t he? Almost like...he gets so lost inside it? Can you believe it??

Hahaha okay moving on: Zayn ALSO keeps on keepin’ on to make Z3 a more tangible reality: he registered two new songs today: “Different” and “Look At Me Now”. And even #better (last time, I promise haha) - “Better” was featured on Amazon Music’s “song of the day”! I have to hear the songs before I say anything about it, but I do sort of hope that things will be “Different” this time around - “Better” - and that he’s telling us “Look At Me Now”. To use twitter terminology, I’m manifesting good things for him.

Liam had a feature in Esquire Mexico, where they talked about his early aspirations as an Olympic runner changing into his decision to give up running to focus on music. I wish they had talked about this a bit more, because I can’t expect that was an easy decision, but also, he would have been around 14 when he made it. That’s a BIG responsibility for a kid, and I want to hear how he felt about it then, and how he feels about it now, some thirteen years on. About his music career, he says: “The effort is what really counts. Having tried it was fundamental, but also understanding that if it didn’t work, it just wasn’t for me”. He does, however, attribute his success to his obsessive attitude (hmmm). At any rate, you’re a JOY to have around, Liam, so I’m glad it DID work out!

The feature also came with PICTURES, of course, in which he looks better than anyone reasonably has a right to - I have to keep reminding myself that if I want to stay impartial, I can’t be attracted to any of them, but DAMN did Liam test my resolve in these! They had him in glasses and a knitted hoodie/jumper/sweater thing holding a guitar on the cover photo. There are other pictures in which he’s wearing half undone button up shirts and too cool for school shades and looking moodily off into the distance (while holding his guitar) and a few where he’s looking pensively down in a blue paisley shirt and glasses (whew!). I think it’s the glasses that killed me, tbh, but go check them out, because I’m certainly not doing them justice!

In some sunny news, Free My Meal popped up again to thank Louis for raising awareness for their cause, calling him a legend (we been knew, but it’s nice to see!) and using hashtags like “#noshame” and “#justask”, and I have to say - sometimes, you would be surprised at how kind people can be if you ask. ALSO, I am bringing this charity up literally ANY TIME I have the opportunity to, because I think it is doing phenomenal work, and I wish there were more programs like this one.

I also have a little bit of a Clown Car update for you: yesterday, Nick Gordon posted a “#theysaidyes” picture, featuring both Briana and Freddie, and captioning with a quote from...wait for it...When Harry Met Sally!!! He then went on a comment reading spree, liking such comments as “Although you are not the real father, you will be the best father, believe me” and “*** **”. I...am actually speechless, which never happens to me. AND THEN! Briana followed and account called “thepropertybrokers” which is an “Investment Property Specialist” account in Beverly Hills. Are you...going somewhere, girl? Don’t be shy, *** **.

And, hmmm, let me think - what day is it? Oh, yeah, the 28th, I almost forgot! You know who DIDN'T? Paul Higgins, former One Direction bodyguard and bona fide Tour Dad, who went around Instagram liking “Happy Anniversary, Harry and Louis!” posts, including my favorite, which was captioned: “Happy 7th anniversary love birds! 28th September 2013 - it’s so great to see how two beautiful friends finally did it!...”. Yeah, guys, nothing to see here, they’re just celebrating 7 years of a beautiful and committed BROMANCE, doncha know?

#harry styles #zayn malik #liam payne #louis tomlinson #the clown car #briana #nick gordon #also you can now buy Harry's daffodil necklace on Eliou's website #they're calling it the Harry Necklace but tbh i like my name better #idk if anyone else cares about the filming guidelines in LA but i spent a ton of time reading about it so here you lol #*here you go lol #ngl I’m a little disappointed about no new Louis merch but it’s probably the best thing for my bank account #song of the day!#Waking in the Dark by Only the Poets #yup thats it from me today i think thats more than enough #hahaha

339 notes · View notes

stardustintheabyss · 4 years

Text

“I’ve seen you before”

Oikawa x fem!reader

Sum: Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone. Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

But was it a mistake?

Warnings: swearing because I have no r e s t r a i n t. Insecurity, bullying. Oikawa being a dumbass. Angst and fluff. Small spoiler at the end.

Word count: A lot, it’s....it’s long. My stupid tablet doesn't have word count capabilities

A/n: this is based on a dream I had. How dare the dream gods give me oikawa and not my husbando(s) tendou(kirishima) 😩 and I write to get scenarios out of my head before they drive me insane

Well at least he's pretty

ok I 💫may💫 have fallen a little while writing this

It had been a long weekend of practice and homework for Oikawa. So what better way to zoneout and relax before bed on Sunday night then scroll through his instagram feed.

He'd been scrolling through random sunset photos when he suddenly saw your face in the 'suggested for you' section. Your picture was of you with what he assumed was your cat perched on your shoulder. It was cute. You were cute.

And you did look familiar. Yes, he has seen you before. He's seen you at school. You're always by yourself, reading a book or on your phone sitting on a bench by the front gates.

He tapped on your photo. He started looking through your posts. Landscapes, food, your cute cat, flowers, sunsets, your family. Is what you mostly posted.

Then he came across the rare selfie.

He was wrong. You weren't just cute.

You were breathtakingly beautiful.

How had he not seen that at school?

You were looking off to the side, a small shy smile on your lips. Sunlight and cherry blossom petals in your wild wind blown hair.

He saw that you were online.

He wanted to talk to you and he didn't have the patience to wait until tomorrow at school.

Hey I've seen you before. You go to Aoba Johsai right?

A message popped up on your phone. One from Aoba Johsai's resident pretty boy and captain of the volleyball club. Oikawa Tooru. What the fuck? You weren't one of his pathetic fan girls that fawned all over him. You never cared for the drama that followed the popular crowd. And in all honestly he kind of repulsed you because of the way he let his ego be stroked. You saw him as a pompous ass. You've never shown any kind of interest in the setter. So why was he messaging you of all people? But curiosity got the better of you and you wrote back. Not like he's gonna talk to you at school anyway. He's popular and you're a loner. Two different worlds.

You know that sounds creepy right? But yes.

I'm just trying to be friendly 😔

I've seen that you sit mostly by yourself and thought you could use a friend 😁

You snorted. Maybe he wasn't as bad as you thought. Still, you didn't want to be too friendly towards him.

I don't care for hs drama but thanks for your chivalry ig 🙄

At this moment your college aged sister begged you to help with one of her cosmetology classes that's due tomorrow. Eyelash extensions. You don't wear makeup but she's your sister and she's giving you puppy dog eyes. You sighed, "Fine." Forgetting to exit out of your messages, you set your phone down, ready to be put through hell.

"Thanks sis! Okay I just need you to lay down and relax." While she got to work the messages on your phone went unnoticed by you.

I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, promise 😅

Y/l/n?

You there?

I'm REALLY sorry!

It's rude to leave people on read yk

Please ?

Y/l/n-chan?

Oikawa was panicking. He didn't mean to piss you off...and now he might have lost his chance to be your friend...or more maybe?

Trying to face time couldn't hurt right?

It just rang. And rang. And rang.

You didn't pick up.

Please. Y/n I'm truly sorry. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and I don't think about what I say. I just meant I'd like to be your friend. If you'd let me?

"All finished, babe." Your sister said. "You're looking gorgeous! If I do say so myself." She took a quick after picture for her class.

You grimaced. You never thought of yourself as pretty let alone gorgeous. "Thanks, I guess. Not one to toot your own horn, huh?"

She just rolled her eyes. " Your phone has been pinging like crazy by the way." Wiggling her eyebrows, "Talking to a boy? My baby sis, all grown up."

"W-what?" You stuttered, picking up your phone. 8 messages and 1 face time call. All from the setter captain. It must be your imagination because in the last message he sounded...flustered? You didn't notice the soft smile that graced your lips. But your annoying sister did.

"Oikawa. Isn't he some volleyball big shot at your school? Y/n, is that a smile I see?" She grinned from over your shoulder, seeing the messages.

"I-. Yes. He is." Furrowing your brows. Denying the truth, "And no, I am not smiling."

"Mmhm. Sooo you going to have a new 'friend' or what."

Your self consciencesness got the better of you. "Why would he want to be my friend? He's him and I'm...me." You bit your lip.

"You idiot. You really don't give yourself enough credit. Your smart, have a kind heart and you are beautiful. You just don't let yourself see it. Let someone in." She whispered in your ear giving you a hug.

You sighed. You believed that your sister believed in what she was saying...but years of middle school bullying ingrained into your heart and mind don't disappear overnight. "I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed. 'Night sis."

"Good night y/n."

Getting ready for bed you looked in the mirror. You had a tiny smile, your sister was right, the lashes did look great.

It was late but right before you drifted off to sleep you sent Oikawa a message.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone.

Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

...I wouldn't mind having a friend

The next day

He woke up to two new messages from you. He had tried staying up, waiting for a reply back but he must have fallen asleep. His phone still in his hand.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

...I wouldn't mind having a friend.

A wide sleepy smile came across his face. Just about the time he was going to dm you his phone died. Where's my damn charger? He started rifling through everything, turning his room upside down. The last place he had it was...the locker room.

"Dammit!" He would just have to see you at school. He quickly got ready to go meet Iwa-chan and walk to school.

You weren't necessarily disappointed that Oikawa hadn't replied yet. Even though you had lowered your walls, you set the bar pretty low on expectations. Especially on a friendship with him. But that didn't stop you from being a little excited to see him. You were sitting in your favorite spot at school, reading. Same thing you did every day. It was on a small stone bench in the shade of a cherry tree near the entrance. Abruptly you heard a chorus of squealing. You've learned throughout high school this meant Oikawa had stepped on campus, Iwaizumi reluctantly in tow.

You smiled and waved.

He didn't see. But you didn't know that.

You thought he was ignoring you. Your smile faded. Last night must have been some prank. It wouldn't have been the first time someone decided it would be funny to play with you like a toy. You never should have listened to your sister and let your guard down.

Tears started to prick your eyes. You shut them tightly, willing them to not fall.

You were not going to cry over Oikawa fucking Tooru.

You grabbed you bag and headed to your classroom.

He had seen you get off the bench and walk towards the building. He tried making his way to you but there was just too many girls blocking him. Letting out a frustrated breath he waved his hand and yelled, "Y/l/n-chan!"

You didn't hear him.

Upset he couldn't get to you he said the only thing he could think of to get all these girls to back off for once. "I have a girlfriend, so could you please respect that." He didn't see the crazy girls make a connection between what he said about having a girlfriend and yelling your name.

He didn't realize he just put a target on your back.

At lunch

You were spinning the dial to your locker getting your lunch when you were shoved against it. You turned around and was met with several angry looking girls. Eyes darting between them. Your fight or flight instincts kicking in.

But nobody ever mentions the third option, which is what happened.

You froze.

"This is her?" Some girl sneered.

What were they talking about? You'd never done anything to these girls. You'd always kept to yourself, ensuring a situation like this wouldn't happen.

"She's not even pretty." Said another taking a sip from her juice carton.

"I bet it's just some joke. He wouldn't be with some fat worthless nobody." The girl who seemed to be the leader said as she pushed you to the ground.

Ignoring the tears starting to run down your cheeks and swallowing the lump forming in your throat, "What are you talking about?"

"Wow, Oikawa has himself a stupid girlfriend." said the leader.

"G-girlfriend?" Ok. Now you really had no clue what the fuck they were talking about.

"Stay the hell away from him. He's mine." With that she dumped the remains of the other girls juice carton on you and they walked away laughing.

Holditin.Holditin.Holditin. You chanted inside your head until you made it to the bathroom where you could cry without being bothered. You had stayed off the radar for years and now you were in the middle of it. You let out a sob, sliding to the floor. You felt like you were right back in middle school. Useless. Fat. Ugly. You brought your knees to your chest. Unloveable. Unwanted. Not worth anybody’s time. That’s why you shut everyone out when you became a first year at Seijoh. You didn’t want a repeat of middle school.

But it ended up happening anyway.

So you cried. You cried until you had no more tears. You let it all out until you didn’t care anymore. You had no problem in obeying the threat staying away from the bastard. She could have him. You stood and splashed water on your face trying to ease the puffiness around your eyes. Sighing you realized you'd probably have to stay after school until you looked like you hadn't spent your entire lunch break crying or your sister would ask questions. The now pink stained shirt you could explain away easily. The red and puffy eyes you could not. And you didn't want to deal with that on top of everything else.

Oikawa had looked for you at lunch but he couldn't find you. He did however hear some girls laughing and chatting about messing with ‘Oikawa’s girlfriend’. How could they mess with someone he made up? He turned to his best friend to ask. “Iwa-chan do you know what those girls were talking about?” he whispered so no one would hear, “How could they have messed with my ‘girlfriend’ when I made her up?”

“Idiot. Remember this morning when you called Y/l/n’s name and then immediately after said you had a girlfriend? And don't call me Iwa-chan, Shittykawa.” He rolled his eyes.

He blanched. He hadn’t realized what he'd done. Or apparently how psycho those girls are. He was so focused on you he didn't even whine about Iwaizumi’s regular insults. He wanted to find you and see if you were okay. To apologize for putting you in that situation. Standing abruptly making his chair screech, “I got to go find her--” The bell signaled lunch was over. Fuck. Maybe she’ll be on that bench after school. I’ve seen her there after practice sometimes.

After school

And by some miracle you were there, reading your book. Oikawa took a minute to look at you before he approached. As in your picture your hair was wild but not unkept, it was hiding your eyes. Your lips were slightly pursed while you were reading and your leg was bouncing contentedly.

You were beautiful.

You looked okay.

Until he got closer and finally saw your eyes. You had obviously been crying. By the looks of it a lot. He also saw you had a huge pink stain on your shirt. What had happened?

You had heard someone approach but decided it was best to ignore them.

“Are you okay Y/l/n-chan?” Oikawa spoke softly.

You were so not in the mood for this. For him. Your hands tightened around your book, flicking your eyes up at him and then back down, “Don’t.”

It was only a second but he saw the hurt in your eyes and it was his fault it was there, “I wanted to-” He tried to say but you didn’t let him finish.

Your voice was raw with emotions you didn’t want to feel for him. “WHAT?! You what? Wanted to play with my feelings some more? I bet you had a good laugh last night saying all that shit. And then completely ignoring me this morning when I waved. Making me feel like I could actually have a friend for once?” Your voice got louder and he flinched at your next words. “That someone would even want to be my friend? I fucking knew I shouldn't have but I let you in anyway.” You let out a dark broken laugh and said much quieter, “Even after what happened last time.” Coldly, “Don’t you have a harem to get back to? Just...just leave me alone Oikawa.”

His mouth dropped in shock. He hadn’t seen you wave. What did you mean by last time? He was heartbroken that someone had made you feel this horrible about yourself and he had reminded you of it. He didn’t want to leave you alone, he had to make you understand you were special. He laid his hand on your book trying to make you pay attention. He said the only thing he thought would make you listen. “Tooru.”

You stiffened, nobody calls him by his first name. You've never even heard his best friend call him Tooru. Your voice barely above a whisper, heart stuttering, “What did you say?”

“Tooru. You can call me Tooru. I-I was happy this morning when I woke up when I saw your messages. But my phone died before I could say anything.” He cleared his throat, “ I fell asleep waiting. I was going to talk to you but then that stupid crowd of girls came. Y/l/n I swear I didn’t see you wave! I tried calling for you but you must not have heard me," he frowned, "and I was frustrated so to get them to back off I said I had a girlfriend. I tried looking for you during lunch period but I couldn't find you. Then I heard what those girls did. I’m sorry I put that target on you. I was going to try looking for you again but then the bell rang. This spot after school was my last hope. Well for now anyway, until I got my phone charged.” He rushed out, praying you would forgive him.

“That’s what they were talking about...”

“What were they saying? If you don’t mind talking about it.” Gingerly he laid his hand on yours, holding it.

During his speech you had unconsciously torn your walls down yet again. You heard the sincerity in his voice and saw the concern in his eyes. This was real. He did care. Fuck. Somewhere between last night and this morning you had developed feelings, you just hadn't wanted to believe you weren't immune to his charms. Why did it have to be him. You swallowed, “They basically said I was worthless and wasn’t pretty enough for you. They also shoved me against my locker and onto the floor.” Taking a deep breath you revealed the most humiliating part of the whole thing, “Their leader dumped juice on me.” You looked away not wanting him to see the tears starting to run down your cheeks and you didn't want to see the pity you were sure to receive in his eyes.

“Hey.” He gently turned your face with a palm on each cheek. Wiping your tears away with his thumbs. “You are not worthless. And those girls are just jealous because your the most beautiful girl at Seijoh. I’m sorry they said and did those things to you. It was my fault and I want to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

You searched his face, surely he was lying to make you feel better? But you only found the truth in his warm brown eyes. Oikawa may be an ass but he does not lie. “Okay...Tooru.”

His heart fluttered when you spoke his name. Little did he know that yours did too when he asked you to call him that.

“Come on, lets go.” He smiled pulling you up. “I got something you can change into so you don’t have to wear that home.” He pointed to your ruined shirt.

You and him walked over to the gym. He had never let your hand go from pulling you up and you didn’t mind. You halted at the entry way dropping his hand. He was going to lead you in but, “Tooru, I can't. Only players and managers can go in the gym during practice time.”

He snorted, “Iwa-chan made that rule so the uh” he coughed, “students wouldn't bother us.” Taking your hand he pulled you in after him.

Your face was blushing like mad from the looks you were getting from his teammates. Nobody questioned their captain though.

“Please wait here while I change and grab you something.” He left you at the bleachers.

Iwaizumi walked over to where you were sitting. Before he could say anything you spoke. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not allowed in here but he drug me in and said he was going to get me something to change into." You plucked at your still sticky shirt. "I-I'll leave when Tooru comes back.” You found it easy for Tooru's name to roll of your tongue.

The usually intimidating looking ace smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Tooru, huh? We don't let students in during practice because they follow Oikawa in. He brought you in here. So you can stay if you want.”

You let out a surprised, “Oh.”

“You know he couldn't stop talking about you on the way to school this morning? About how he saw this and I quote ‘breathtakingly beautiful’ photo of you on instagram. He kept talking about your hair with cherry blossom petals in it and your shy smile.”

Your face was on fire. You knew the exact photo he was talking about. How far back did he scroll, it was buried under a ton of pictures.

“He was also worried about you the rest of the day after lunch. He was pretty upset, he even threatened to cancel practice if he didn’t find you on your bench.”

“Iwa-channnn!” Oikawa whined. “Friends keep secrets.” He didn’t look mad but his face was a light shade of pink. Was he...embarrassed?

“Ew. I’m not your friend Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi replied walking away. You laughed quietly, his tone said otherwise.

Except it wasn't just any shirt, it was his jersey. “I can’t wear this! Only couples do that!”

“You're right! You're my best friend!” Tooru called back.

He was met with a middle finger and a "Shut it, Tooru."

“Anyways here. You can change in the girls locker room over there.” He handed you one of his shirts and pointed to the room.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well I did inadvertently call you my girlfriend. You wouldn't want to make me a liar now would you Y/l/n-chan?” He pouted.

“N-no, but I'm not your girlfriend?” You remembered the things Iwaizumi told you, your face deepening to a scarlet shade.

He took a step closer. You could smell his scent. He smelled like oranges, cloves and...clean sweat? Of course he could make sweat smell intoxicating. It was making your brain hazy. You almost missed what he said. “Do you? Want to be I mean.” The look he was giving you was so genuine and...sweet.

This was too much too fast, but your mouth and heart didn't care apparently what you thought. “I-.” You breathed. “Yes.”

His face lit up, taking one of your hands into his. “We’ll talk more after practice, yeah?”

All you could do is nod. Squeezing your hand as he left to go start practice you went to go change your shirt. It was long on you. Almost falling to the same spot your uniform skirt stopped. You rolled it up a little and tucked it in. That was better.

After changing you returned to your spot on the bleachers. You'd been to games before. It was practically an unsaid rule that all students were required to go. But you really never paid attention, usually doing anything but watching to kill time.

This time you paid attention. Tooru was remarkable. You could see why he was captain and how he got the nickname 'the great king'. You were so entrapped by the teams flow you didn't notice the hours fly by.

Tooru came back over to you, asking somewhat nervously, "So what did you think?" He didn't know why it felt so important to get praise from you. He just knew he wanted you to be proud of him.

Your smile was open and you had stars in your eyes, "You were amazing!" Dipping your toe at being flirty, you winked, "l'll have to pay better attention at the next game."

His heart leapt. You said he was amazing. "Thank you, that means so much coming from you." The second part finally clicked, "Hey wait! What do you mean you'll have to pay better attention at the next game?" He teased.

Sheepishly, "I never uh...actively watched a game before."

"That hurts Y/l/n-chan. Just you wait until the next game." He smiled, "So can I walk you home? It's late and you shouldn't walk by yourself."

"Sure. I don't live far though." You returned his smile.

After he went and changed out of his practice clothes he outstretched his hand for you to take, interlacing your fingers with his. When you got to the gates he asked which way. You pulled him to the left. You curious about earlier.

"So about what Iwaizumi said..." You left the question hanging in the air.

"He was telling the truth." He said it so simply, like he just didn't turn your world upside-down.

"Oh." Was all you could manage with all the butterflies in your stomach. Before you knew it you were in front of your house. "This is me." You turned to face him.

"Really? Iwa-chan and I live one street over."

"You're joking." He had to be.

"Nope, cross my heart." More seriously "Do you want to walk to school with us maybe?"

"I'd like that, Tooru." Shyly you peeked up at him through your lashes.

"Hey, I noticed before." He traced a thumb over your cheekbone, brushing against your fluttering eyelashes. "Your eyes look different some how?"

You let out a small chuckle, "Eye lash extensions. That's what I was helping my sister with last night. She's in a cosmetology class."

He leaned down, getting very close. "They suit you Y/l/n-chan."

Clearing your throat. "Um, thanks." A beat later, "Call me Y/n."

His eyes softened. "Can I kiss you, Y/n?"

Your breath caught. "Y-yes."

He closed the distance between the two of you. Your eyes shutting and heart thumping wildly with anticipation.

You did not expect the feather light touch of his lips ghosting over yours. You did not expect such a tender kiss from the popular setter captain.

At first your lips only brushed against each others. Testing. Until you couldn't stand it any longer. He had lit a fire inside. You leaned in closer, needing more. Pressing your lips against his and moving one hand onto the back of his neck and the other onto his shoulder pulling him closer. He took this queue to hold your waist. As you kissed time stood still. You couldn't tell if the fire inside was tearing you apart or if he was holding you together. There was just you and him, the world had long ago faded away.

He was surprised you took control of the kiss but was glad you did. He didn't want to push you after everything you'd been through. And honestly he could barely think straight. Could barely breathe. Your lips were so soft and they tasted like honey. He didn't want it to end, he would have happily drowned surrounded by air if it meant he could kiss you.

But you pulled away breathless and eyes bright. You leaned into the comfort of his arms.

That was your first kiss.

"I'll be waiting here tomorrow Y/n." He pressed his lips to the crown of your head.

"Alright." You looked up at him. "Message me when you get home 'kay?"

"Will do, my queen." The name sent tingles down your spine. Once again putting his lips to yours. "Good night."

"'Night Tooru." You slipped out of his embrace and before you made your way inside, you gave him one last wave goodbye. Dazed you shut the door behind you with your back and brought your fingers to your smiling lips.

"'Friends' huh? Lot different in my day." Your sister said from the couch, her eyes catching on his jersey.

Still grinning like a fool, "Shut up." You headed upstairs to start on your homework. About ten minutes later you received a text. Smiling you opened it.

Made it home safe and sound. And now I'm going to sleep so I can dream of you 😘

Who knew 'the great king' was such a goofball.

Sweet dreams then, goofball

They will be because you'll be in them ❤

Rude, my queen, rude

Good night Tooru ❤

But that’s why you like me

Rolling your eyes, you grinned.

The next morning he was right where he said he would be. Waiting for you. Iwaizumi with him of course. “Morning Iwaizumi.”

“Good morning Y/l/n.” Iwaizumi greeted.

You said taking your boyfriends hand. “Morning Tooru.” You were feeling confident this morning so you tugged him down a little so you could reach his face, pecking him on the lips.

His eyes widened. He definitely didn't expect that, not that he was complaining. “G-good morning Y/n.” A rosy hue dusting his cheeks.

You giggled at his reaction.

“I guess the right girl turns you into a flustered mess.” Iwaizumi joked.

"I make you a flustered mess huh? I wouldn’t mind taking advantage of that.” You nudged him playfully as you all started to make your way to school.

“No fair. I won’t allow you and Iwa ganging up on me!” He tilted his head towards your ear, whispering for only you to hear. “Besides, my queen, I give as good as I get.”

You choked. And he didn't miss the red on your face. Oh boy. If he kept up with that name you were going to become a puddle. Clearing your throat awkwardly, “Ah look, we’re here!”

Unfortunately you were met with his swarm of ‘fans’. At the head of it all were the bitches that made you feel like shit. Tooru felt you hesitate and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze and looked at you with such adoration in his eyes. That was all you needed. You were going to show these girls you weren’t afraid of them. You hoped he wouldn't mind your sudden boldness.

Turning towards him and standing on your tippy toes you grabbed the back of his neck and crashed your lips against his. This kiss was much deeper than the one you shared last night. You'd even go so far to say passionate. Last night was tentative, figuring each other out. This kiss you poured in all your feelings, all of your heart and soul. Pulling away slightly, resting your forehead against his and playing with the hair near where your hand rested on his neck, “Um, sorry if that was too much.”

You turned to face the mostly shocked crowd. The only angry one was the leader girl. Remembering what she said yesterday, “I’m his.” He wasn’t some possession to own. But you were free to give your heart to him, if he wanted it. Really you didn’t expect him to say anything during this exchange but he did.

God, you were perfect he thought. With a stupid smile on his face, “N-no don’t be sorry. Not at all.”

It made your heart catch in your throat.

“And I’m hers.” The girls mouth dropped open. “Come on. Let’s go, my queen.” he said pressing his lips to your knuckles, sending a shiver up your back.

“Tooru!” You squeaked. That damn pet name. You knew no matter how many times he said it, it would still make you weak in the knees and make your heart leap. And he fucking knew it. You walked hand in hand to your spot under the cherry tree. “Don’t call me that when a bunch of people are around...”

“Why not? It’s true. And you like it.” He gave you a cheeky look. “Besides that passionate kiss you gave me was pretty public.”

A blush creeping up your neck, “I-shut up.”

Chuckling he brought you into a hug, “Whatever you wish, my queen.”

Epilogue

As the months passed you and Tooru grew closer together and his ‘fan club’ realized you weren't going anywhere. Sure some still tried to bring you down but over the months you had gained some confidence in yourself. You weren't as insecure but when you fell Tooru was there to help you pick yourself back up. You had also become good friends with the volleyball guys, especially Iwa. You had a special bond over teasing your boyfriend. Even though you both teased him relentlessly he was happy two of his favorite people got along so well. In fact he had asked if you had wanted to officially become a manager. You practically were now anyway he said so why not make it official. Of course you agreed.

It was only your third game as a manager when they lost to Karasuno. You knew how bad he wanted to go to nationals. It was his dream and this was his last chance. He was sitting on the floor outside the gym, head hung low in devastation. You knew words were not what he wanted to hear right now. He just needed you to be there for him. You sat down next to him, waiting. He gently pulled you onto his lap, burying his head in the crook of your shoulder. Holding you closely. He was silent but you felt his warm tears fall on your skin. You held him and hummed a slow melody quietly in his ear. After awhile he kissed your temple.

“Thank you.” He whispered. He was ready talk.

“I’m here for you, always. You’re my king, win or lose. And I am so so proud of you.” A small smile lifted one side of his mouth.

You were going to tell him something important today. No matter what happened. Maybe he needed to hear it especially because of what happened. You took a deep breath and kissed his forehead briefly. One hand on his cheek and looking into his still tear stained eyes.

“I know the world has greater things than nationals waiting for you. You may not feel like it now but believe me when I say it. You are so much more than what you think you are and....and that’s why I love you, Tooru.”

He searched your face looking for pity or disappointment but all he found was love. For weeks those three words had been just under the surface, waiting to be spoken into existence, always on the tip of his tongue at the end of every conversation with you or even when he would see you do small simple things. Hearing the love in your voice and the feeling of you mend his shattered heart about nationals they finally broke free.

“I love you too, Y/n.”

He might have been your first kiss but you were his first love and he wanted you to be his last.

He gently ran his thumb against your bottom lip.

And he kissed you with everything he had, like it would be his last.

But.

There was many more to come...

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#oikawa x reader #oikawa #oikawa tooru #oikawa x y/n #the dream gods did me a disservice but i made the best of it #writing this may have made me soft for Tooru #he calls his gfs my queen #fight me #y/n and iwa's bond over teasing your bf #low key proud of some lines in this #my tiny blog writings

58 notes · View notes

deithe · 4 years

Note

instead of making ur hs au american just set it in a secondary school. jason is a gaa lad and piper wears addidas superstars

OKAY so tumblr swallowed my first ask whole :( so ill do it again. on my laptop instead.

But. Anon...ur a genius...so smart...too smart. this could be too good, know?

God.

Jason: GAA lad, of course. Plays county and he will tell you this. He plays county with football and only club with hurling. He’s a pure GAA Lad. He doesn’t drink, eats full course meals for every meal and goes to the local gym every day. He plays with the school and is the captain. He wears O’Neills and Jack and Jones. He’s got that hair-cut, the curls and the short at the side? But despite how straight-laced he seems, he’s kind. Popular, but he’s got a few close friends and that’s it. He helps people with their work and never has a mean word to say. He does bag-packing in Supervalu for charities. He’s a good catch and many a girl want him as their debs date. His family is rich, too, so he goes to those summer colleges in the Gaeltacht. He’s still pretty bad at gaeilge though. Which is a shame cause he’s basically a fenian. His Dad is from Derry (bogside) and it shows sometimes. He goes to mass every Sunday and knows the Father by name, but religion doesn't seem for him. He wants to be a primary school teacher and everyone knows he’ll get a sports scholarship to go to UL. He’s a swot but he’s sound out, at the same time. Unironically listens to kneecap.

Leo: Boy-racer with a suped up Mitsubishi. He fixed it up himself but it keeps getting taking by the gardaí. He is a public menace on dark country roads. He’s a lads lad, who vapes in the bathrooms with the stolls and drinks naggins in bushes before trying to sneak into a night club. Class clown, but nice enough if you can get him on his own. But he’s also smart. Too smart. Trinity bound, or even further. 625 on the lc, with higher-level maths, physics, and chemistry. An absolute dosser, but he’s always got the homework and if you can find him on his own, he’s nice enough. He and Jason are a strange match in friends. He wears Jason’s O’Neill’s jumpers and people pretend not to stare. Leo, like most teens in Ireland, has been familiar with a bottle of vodka for a while. He’s that absolute weapon you see on Instagram getting their picture with a garda at Longitude, vodka hidden in a bottle of Lucozade. Mexican-American mom from the states but born and raised in Ireland. Buys all his clothes from Pennys. Can’t be assed to go anywhere else. He doesn’t play any club sport at all. He’s banned from the local church for accidentally decapitating the Holy Mary during his confirmation. He has a thick cork accent, calls his house a “gaff” and gets “langered while he’s gatting”. He adores The Academic and Fontaines D.C. Though, like most people, he’s enamored with The Rubberbandits.

Piper: Addidas Superstars, ofc. Jack and Jones hoddies she stole from Jason. Air maxes. She also buys a lot from St Vincent DePaul’s charity shops. Captain of the schools debate team and she sells fake IDs on her snapchat as a side-hustle. Her Dad moved them to Ireland when Piper was around 7 cause he got a job with RTE or something. She hangs in the art-room most days and almost won Junkoture when she was 16. She lets Leo drunkenly cut her hair every few months and it leaves them both in stitches. She was also the Queen of loom bands as a child and still makes friendship bracelets for them all out her loom band collection. Piper also plays Camogie with her school, but that’s just because she has a crush on the captain. Both her and Leo are the only ones who go on the sesh. Jason stays at home and watches re-runs of home and away every Friday night. She has a noticeable American accent and gets called a yank or tourist a lot. Piper would kill men for EDEN and The Cranberries.

Also: it has to take place in cork city. dublin sucks, galway city is like seven streets and limerick is literally called stab city.

#Anon #Anonymous #!!!!!!#thank you I always like ranting about Irish culture #look if everything I consume is Americanized than I shall irishize it all #long post #alcohol mention #leo Valdez #jason Grace #piper McLean #this is legit based on me n my friends #like piper is my friend rob to a tee #and jason is an amalgamation of liam/caitlin (not bunkernine btw)

19 notes · View notes

lanamemories2 · 4 years

Text

rides onto the dash nude n on horseback like this pic of sam way. oh fancy seeing u here.......... im impeccably tensed our entire exchange. buns like steel cld crack a nut open between them. i’m nai n it’s so nice to meet u all!!!! i’m one of the admins here (josefine frida pettersen on the main) n i’m so Excited 2 get things going........... some facts abt me r i sometimes hv a witch’s cackle, i once drunkenly swung frm a tree branch pretending to b tarzan n fell n grass stained my fav jeans at 4 in the morning n i lov spicy food despite the fact it mkes me sweat like a hog in the sun. more abt lana under the cut!!! also like this or hmu if u wna plot n her pinterest is here n playlist is here 👺🌚

「kristine froseth & cis-female」⇾ jameson , lana, the junior radcliffe student’s records show that she is a gemini and 22 years old. she is studying dance, living in off campus and can be vivacious, passionate, childish & impulsive. when i see her i am reminded of stepping out in the cold wearing just a red slip, lipstick on a stranger’s throat, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

AESTHETICS:

scalding your fingers in shower water until they glow like rudolph’s nose, cherry red gym socks tugged high and nothing else, stepping out in the cold wearing just a red slip, an origami swan made from an old receipt, tickling a stranger’s chin with the end of a feather boa, crowning each finger with a miniature raspberry, hugging a knee close to lick a stripe of fruit juice off a bruise there, doodling penises in the condensation of a car window, a water pistol topped with rum and covered in glittery pin-up stickers, believable smiles that feel more like baring teeth, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, prancing around in your underwear to a vinyl record with the curtains open.

HISTORY:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. albums framed on the walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i summarised it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”, not that u wld know from all of the gardener’s pruning

lana’s mum victoria (vic) ws a music journalist w a pretty fruitful career ahead of her when she met lana’s dad richard (rich). his record label ws jst starting out, founded on the coattails of his rich best friend’s (jensen peters) investment w his other best friend (who he jst calls knoxville). it rocketed to success when they signed poppy injects, a rock band w an electric stage presence, n victoria ws drawn to the glitz n glamour of a man tht ws at the helm of his aspiring industry. their love ws very impulsive, all or nothing right frm the start, n it ws almost like she ws mre in love w his accomplishments n what he represented than him

anyway so jameson records repped a few big rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. (drugs/addiction tw) they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. rly troubled characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was kind of an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast. very strange environment fr a child to grow up in

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt… quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana asked her why shes so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door

(dissociation/delusion tw) bc of this growing up lana adopted this weird like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w noone acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. hes the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her in the zoo they called a home n cut the crusts off her PBJs so they lkd like teddy bears (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door n was always over bc he had very strict parents / a military father tht he found suffocating)

SO when caleb n tommy announced tht they’d signed up to the army lana ws understandably…….. blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving like pretty besides herself bt she tried not to b mad at them n made them promise theyd b safe n back as soon as possible. she even asked if they cld somehow take her w them n they were jst like :/ it doesn’t work that way luv x

(death tw, ptsd tw, grief tw, trauma tw, hospitalisation tw, drugs tw) anyway caleb ended up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed tommy die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home sans tommy bt he was never the same after tht. he’s been in n out of hospital n he turned to using as a way to cope so it’s been a rly bumpy road since. lana kind of felt like two of her brothers died out there in a way n jst like tht it wasn’t them vs the world any mre, it was jst her

ANYWAY whew tht rly…. took a dark turn there….. chuckles nervously at hw sad lana’s life is bt it’s fine it’s all fINE!!!!!!! ok. so on a mre lighthearted note the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably Pretty Gorl

(trauma tw) after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

(hypersexuality tw) this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr hookups even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. the risk is honestly part of the appeal to her sometimes she’s :////// quite self destructive n jst likes a thrill to mke her feel Alive. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. it kind of… almost mingled w tht same feeling she used to get when she ws younger of being a ghost?? like she jst. only rly feels Real when she’s being touched

(violence tw) she’s had.................... SCH a bad history dating wise. she almost always dates fking.... actual beasts like i jst wna gently shake her by the shoulders sometimes bt :////////////// one of her recent exes is in prison aftr he beat up someone she’d slept w in front of her like she jst. has had a very Not Sexy time w romance...... she hd to b a witness in the trial abt it n he ws found guilty n sent down so it ws like Intense n a gd example of the kinds of disastrous relationships she gets herself into. perks of being a wallflower voice: We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve.

this past summer she gt a job at a burlesque club in downtown lovell!!! it honestly is her dream job like. dancing? being sexy? fav hobbies................. most delicious pastimes... 10/10 ideal fr her............... she almost started working at a coyote ugly bar bt this one won her over. she usually jets off to some foreign country n has a rly exotic n action packed summer bt i think she wldv just been working local there fr this one to b close to her brother (the rehab he’s at is close like a 40 min drive so!). she’s also moved into a big lofty apartment w 3 roommates tht’s above a chinese take out w lots of lanterns hung outside. the street? scott street......................... tribute to mizz phoebe bridgers hunger games salutes to the sky so it travels 2 her............. she gt a red heart shaped bath tub installed which hs always been her dream so honestly the summer hs been pretty gd to her....... five stars on yelp she deserves Some happiness once in a while

PERSONALITY:

always smells vaguely of wild cherries or strawberry starburst or jst the candy aisle in general. if she ws a vinyl record she’d b this one n she’d only play good vibrations by the beach boys, dancing on my own by robyn, play that funky music by wild cherry, femme fatale by the velvet underground n (i can’t get no) satisfaction by the rolling stones

growing up lana was always a HUGE social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget (cld b a gd or bad thing depends on ur Stance...... she can be a lot tho frankly). very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once.

deliberately puts on tht kind of Magnetic Alluring act tht femme fatales wear in movies sometimes. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as or the person she feels ppl want her to be. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out

always the last one awake at the party. jst doesn’t seem to hv.... an off switch. every1 else cld b passed out at 6am n she’d still b swaying around to sunday morning by the velvet underground in her underwear drinking frm a bottle of merlot

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand ridiculously absurd n chaotic stories

uncontrollably flirty. she’s tht tumblr post tht’s like flirting will b ur hubris n the reply is like kind of sexy of u to say so................ SO confident cld talk to anyone. makes a joke out of anything. tends to laugh when she feels like crying. even if she DOES cry she’ll smile thru it like it isn’t happening she jst.... doesn’t like to b negative ever if she cn help it

she’s amassed a weird collection of like... Things various ppl she’s known hv made abt her. this guy she ws friends w wrote a song abt her n performed it at a gig she went to without telling her in advance. it ws rly dramatic he sang it n looked at her the whole time n she ws jst a bit like.... omg.... lmfao............... she’s also hd various paintings done of her. i honestly dnt even rly kno hw it happens she jst has a personality where she..... leaves an impression like a lipstick print on a white shirt w some ppl.................. she’s like tht tumblr post where someone arrives at a poetry reading n is like hi yes........ where do the muses sit? except she isn’t rly.... obnoxious abt it she jst shrugs n is like.......... oh that........... KJHSFKHGSFKGHSFKGSFHGK. it’s a charmed life fr some

always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops.

PLOTS:

exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. whips her in the town square like gale

mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her??? chaos. anguish. strife.

someone tht works at the burlesque club in downtown lovell w her!!!!! as like a bartender or another dancer or security or................... whtvr honestly. hvn’t worked out a name fr the club yet bt i think it cld b a fun setting to write stuff in n there cld b lots to build off there!!

a cousin plot cld b fun too

her n freya nilsen run smthn called Dick Sisters Inc......... they hv a twitter fr it n everything.... n a hq based in one of the abandoned dorms in the leach building.... lots of inflatable furniture disco balls.............. lana even gt replica airplane seats so they cn sit n b served drinks by this guy tht runs errands fr them who they call bucket....... they bsically like. set ppl up n help ppl get laid it’s a matchmaking service of sorts.......... started as a joke bt nw it’s genuinely become quite a profitable business w word spreading all over campus........ ugh entrepreneurial icons... anyway mayb ur chara cld come to lana fr Dick Sisters assistance......... mayb they’v come to them in the past.........

a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other.

someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh

briefly did camgirl stuff on an independent bt up n coming porn site....... titters.......... mayb ur muse used a pseudonym n recognises lana frm it bt is too embarrassed to admit they were subscribed............ mayb they happened upon her on there once n nw r jst like. what do i do w this knowledge. idk cld b fun to work around perhaps

an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool)

someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label

someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all i won’t lie to u. relentless.....

umm a good influence too mayb?

honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. mayb even one of the high profile kids she grew up hangin w idk. world’s our oyster fellas!

#ruhqintro #hypersexuality tw #trauma tw #hospitalisation tw #violence tw #death tw #grief tw #ptsd tw #dissosciation tw #drugs tw #addiction tw #god.... wipes sweat frm my brow after all those tws...... i promise they're all just rly briefly touched upon bt better to b safe than sry!!#also this is truly so long bt............ growls n smirks simultaneously

9 notes · View notes

wainwrightjakobshammerlock · 4 years

Text

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

youtube

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

youtube

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

#my post #text post #tf2 #medic #heavy #heavymedic #long post

64 notes · View notes

dxxtruction · 4 years

Text

eps2.2_init1.asec

Mr.Robot: Season 2 Episode 4

break-down / character analysis / head canons

(Spoilers obviously, but contains stuff up through end of season 4)

A: first scene

I love this scene a lot so I wrote a lot.

(The Memorial Day situation)

Elliot had been pen-testing, doing white-hat hacking for some wall-street gig. (Timeline= ?-May 2014)

He was on some type of project where he needed to hack until it was un-hackable. (Seemed dedicated to his job there)

Elliot is court ordered into anger management with a shrink (Krista) after being fired for destroying the servers. Hs he claims he was locked in there and fell asleep then woke up in a destroyed room. (I still suspect this retelling to be halfway unreliable even though it’s how it’s told at least twice in the show.)

This happened Memorial Day weekend. - night or around 5pm presumably - people wanted to go clubbing etc. and Elliot did not. They couldn’t leave because Elliot was working. (He didn’t care about them enough to let them go, or was just dedicated to his job you choose.)

2. (Job offering)

Elliot is offered to work at all-safe by Angela around this time (Halloween 2014) but it’s been months since he had been working so what was he doing?

A bunch of Grey-hat hacks to get shady people arrested? Seems he may have just finished one when Darlene arrived.

He sees some potential in accepting, because it a Trojan horse (both what you think it is and slang for a backdoor into a server network).

He’s been thinking about it, though we don’t know how long he’s been sitting on this offer. “the right access the right malware.” His plan is to take down Evil Corp (It’s the first time he’s voiced this, and Darlene doesn’t take him entirely serious at first.)

3. (Darlene and Elliot)

Darlene comes on halloween, she seems bothered by something that may have happened that night (if my timeline is right it could be she had a fight with Cisco because they should’ve still been together then) whatever it is Darlene feels she needs Elliots company that night.

This is the first mention of init-1 the code between her and Elliot. He tries to excuse himself when Darlene first answers, with an excuse he’s going out. Darlene picks up that this is half-assed, showing us that despite her being gone she knows her brother well. (It’s little things like these that give hints as to the hosts habits and how much they overlap with MM’s)

“Great Darlene, haven’t seen you in a long time either. I’d love to hang out.” Judging by the fact Elliot is just now telling Darlene he’s been fired we can assume the extent of there communication is pretty much zilch. Darlene has been away from the city for some time, but I’m not sure its ever mentioned how long.

Per tradition, they’re smoking weed while watching the careful massacre of the bourgeoise (1984). (Darlene is a talkative/hungry type of high and Elliot just chills... and maybe has deep philosophical conversations) This movie carries a lot of importance because it becomes symbolic of F-Society. It starts out with the masked man killing the bourgeoisie kids at a new years eve party, but I do wonder if thats the entire plot or not.

Darlene says several things about it:

(A) The movie was made to disprove meritocracy. (showing the separation of class through the absurd ways in which the characters act.)

(B) it was the source of their psychological dysfunction. (Probably because it’s x-rated, I think this line should only be taken as a joke)

In the dream sequence later in the episode Tyrell and Joanna are wearing similar outfits to the brother and sister in the movie (hinting how Elliot probably sees them)

We get clarification on Darlene having Panic attacks, this is something that has come up before. Elliot shows genuine concern for her mental well-being.

“Since when did pretending everything is okay become the all mighty norm?” *proceeds to act like that at the beginning of season 2*

Unlike Elliot, Darlene has a digital social life. Has instagram, and orders off postmates probably lives a normal life of a 23 year old who happens to be really smart and good at stuff. I definitely think all that go thrown in the trash the second f-society became more than just a what-if. By the beginning of season 1 she’s just as off the grid as Elliot is. (But like I just wanna see Darlene live her life again dammit.)

Sidenote: I wonder who this one is. Part of me wants to say this is Elliot the host, but I have my suspicions MM took over after Memorial Day, (or at the least started to front more often…). Though it does leave me asking why there are sudden amnesia barriers in the time leading up to 5/9. Fragment Krista says MM found it important to start messing with Elliots memories and his past and inadvertently this meant forgetting his sister? Was it a subconscious choice? I can’t confirm, but I still do wonder how much of Elliot we really see in flashbacks and how much of it is MM.

4. (“Do you talk to mom?”)

Dialogue: “No. You?” (“Fuck no, she still shits on dad every time I talk to her… I wish I remembered him better.”)

I don’t have a note really, but this moment is fairly awkward given what we know about Ed—d. Not sure how I read Elliot’s face here, but I think he’s probably on the same page as her because-

Elliot has kept the Mr.Robot jacket.

I believe this indicates the host and MM I think are (were) both protected from knowing about what their father did otherwise that shit would be trash. I wonder Does host Elliot also have the view of his father as his only friend? Anyway I definitely see this as a trigger for Robot, like, thats his clothes for one and ed—d is sort of the trauma he holds.

A switch definitely occurs once the mask is on. There’s an awkwardness where Darlene loses her laughter: does she know exactly what his disorder is? I think at the very least she suspects and picks up on these things. She knows that Elliot is forgetful and experiences moments of derealization because she’s dealt with those moments with him. They are siblings after all, and I think this scene is pretty much in here to hone that in.

Mr.Robot starts a whole speech about a plan to take down E-Corp. Elliot (in reference to everyone because I think this is a shared understanding) knows the hard part of this hack will be he fallout (“that’s the key, the follow through.”)

More indicators he’s been really thinking about this for a while (At the very least since Memorial Day so 6 months; at most since his dad got leukemia). He (Mr.Robot) works out that E-corp will try to come back from the hack and there needs to be a way to stop the from happening.

Destroy public confidence = destroy E-Corp (And this is what Darlene’s been shown doing this season so far)

He then takes off the mask and he’s gone quiet (dissociated?) Probably a switch back. (He looks at it in a way that makes me feel like he doesn’t remember putting it on.)

End scene.

B: Darlene’s visit

“The only way to patch a vulnerability is by exposing it first. The flip side is exposing the vulnerability leaves you open for an exploit.” (I believe this line tells us this episodes logic)

(Plan discussion.)

The plan involves losing confidence in e-corp and Elliot has lost confidence in the plan. (though we are aware phase 2 isn’t necessarily just about losing public confidence, Elliot is later shown to not want this either). He sees it as too dangerous to continue on with, and he feels guilty about it given how Gideon was killed, he doesn’t want more people to die.

However, I feel as if he probably already saw into all the vulnerabilities (because he’s like that). Already figuring they could be exposed (hence danger). He sees the best option would be to quit while they can, but Darlene is refusing.

“What did you guys think was going to happen exactly?” - Darlene referring to Elliot as plural. (We love to see it)

Elliot says it wasn’t him who said everything. (Clarification that a switch did happen in scene 1.)

2. (“This is what she does”)

What does darlene do?

Likely: When she wants something but doesn’t give full honesty about it and doesn’t tell Elliot everything. In other words Darlene keeps secrets, and hides the important bothersome details. She sort of beats around the bush. (She does something like this in scene 1 she needs Elliots company but won’t talk about or say why then avoids confrontation of her mental health)

She’s doing it here not so much for her own comfort but the safety of her brother, because she knows he has vulnerabilities, and can be triggered and emotionally unstable. She doesn’t want to upset him because she needs him to help her and he can’t do that in an unstable state.

C: Chess

1. (Meeting with Ray to play chess)

Chess isn’t really the focus here; Ray picks up on a lot of conflict happening internally, and as an exploit to get Elliot to trust him gives the chess board over.

We see how guilt is burdening Elliot, and he is considering owning up to everything he did. Even mentions how it could stop Darlene from doing “crazy shit”. He doesn’t want to lose her either; or lose any more people for that matter. Losing people was not a part of saving the world he signed up for. There’s also guilt in general because of 5/9 because things are turning out bad.

I’m fairly convinced Mr.Robot is incapable of feeling guilt, or is just hiding it behind the 10 layers of clothes. (Though I guess he’s never met Gideon so why should he care?). Anyway he is consistently focused on seeing everything through no matter the costs.

I just find Mr.Robot coming in and saying he’d swan dive off a building for saying anything pretty funny (don’t ask)

He exaggerates a lot of the time but honestly sometimes he is dead serious about putting the body in pain or in life and death scenarios and so he can be fairly destructive so it’s hard to tell if he is joking, but hey MM (and to my hc host) does hard drugs, so...

2. (A game to end all games between us)

“Winner takes all.” (“Of what?”) “Us.”

(Mr.Robot really do be like “I’mma kill you or myself” Bitch I do not think..)

Robot says Elliot “will be absent from knowing. Losing time forever. A deep black void.” Basically he’s gonna throw him in a pit. And honestly it sounds confident, like he probably feels he can take full control since he’s been around the longest along with the core. (But we know he wouldn’t do it even if he could, the guy has a soft spot. Anyway this is like the IDK what number of times Robot be doing a loop around to get a point across to Elliot. He do be playing the long game and I think secretly he loves a good scheme.) (This is what Mr.Robot does.)

Elliot gets visited by Krista in prison and has told her about the game. (Judging by the fact they meet in her ‘office’ and not in the “Kitchen table” setting we can assume they’re allowed to meet in a private location.) (Edit: disregard this bit I forgot about the reveal that he’d just imagining it on like two separate layers to feel safe enough to speak)

“Krista’s wrong annihilation is always the answer” (He’s just as bad honestly, Krista teach this boy constructive ways). He sees annihilation as self improvement, getting rid of parts of yourself that are ugly or unwanted. We create our identity around desire, and that means destroying parts that are undesirable so all thats left is practically a mask of who we are. (I think the tie into Whiterose through this spill about annihilation is a bit cheap but like I understand the choice) Anyhow Elliot’s pretty much agreeing to a western showdown and has no idea it’s all a rouse so Robot can have his point.

4. The chess match

Ed—d apparently taught Elliot his first ways to code through teaching him computer chess. He talks like he really understands all the logic of chess which makes me think he was letting Ray win before.

Mr.Robot definitely feels a bit uncomfortable with being associated with him just a hint in his voice.

Ultimately they find out neither of them can either win or lose but Mr.Robot knew all along that would happen.

“Fighting for the future we want, it isn’t about playing chess is about what we do out there with them.” (peaking out of his ten layers to show he cares about the outside world, while also expressing how they need to get out of prison.)

“I want to be here Elliot, with you.” (God my heart.)

D: Darlene and Cisco’s hook up

Darlene is very paranoid while walking around, she isn’t sure if F-society really are being offed. However in front of F-society she tries to comfort their suspicions.

Cisco comes to Darlene to warn her about getting killed by DA… but he’s the one who ultimately gets offed. (Poetic cinema)

We learn Darlene’s the type to get upset and defiantly end up having sex in the bathroom of a shady dive bar with her on and off again boyfriend (also Cisco why didn’t you pull out before talking about Dark Army again, like dude lol.)

This is definitely the point they start getting back together.

There a message in gold written on the wall that reads “There's an unequal amount of good and bad in most things. The trick is to figure out the ratio and act accordingly. Stay frosty all. Peace.” - its from this tweet: x

Operation Berenstain is first mentioned. I’m in agreement the name references the popular conspiracy about alternate timelines.

E: Leon lays it down

Leon asks Elliot if he wants to even be here, tells him he “has to dream in order to find out the future he’s fighting for.” (My initial though is I’m not sure if this means here as in prison or here as in alive, sorta feels like the latter)

“If you like it” (The future you envision) “then it’s beautiful, if it’s not then you might as well fade the fuck out right now.” (Hard) (definitely means the latter)

I appreciate Leon so much. “Existence could be beautiful or it could be ugly. But thats on you.” He’s really good for Elliot, really no bs, no loop arounds, he just tells it straight. And you know what? He listens to him because he actually goes to bed dreaming about it.

“What is the future? Leon says one needs to understand that before they’re ready to fight for their existence.”

This dream sequence is so impactful, Leon’s influence. I’m not gonna go in on the shots, however we do get to see a really honest view on how Elliot truly sees the people that have been a part of his life in a variety of subtle ways. We see a lot of what he desires or seeks is happiness for everyone around him.

“Will I reconnect for those I care for. Will I reunite with old friends long gone. See the ones I love find true happiness. Maybe this future includes people I never dreamed of getting close to. Even make amends with those I have unfairly wronged. A future that’s not so lonely. A future filled with friends and family. The world I’ve always wanted. And I’d like very much to fight for it.”

I bold texted that last bit because it really hits, and I think its what becomes the foundations for what Elliot ends up saying to Whiterose at the end. Not to pull a Darlene but this show is clearly trying to say how hard it is to find connection in a world of capitalist alienation.

When Leon sort of digs into Elliot and asks if he really does want to die. Elliot’s dream confirms, no, we find out Elliot actually wants to live in order to improve the future, and he wants connections to be there. It’s what he’s always wanted. (Yet he still does the end all match right after this sequence because he’s convinced he’ll win and get that future on his own. Both these boys are very stubborn.)

F: Do you remember the first command you ever taught me?

Init 1.

What Elliot taught Darlene when her computer kept crashing. She says this in scene one, and its what makes Elliot stop making excuses. The same thing happens here, Elliot has no choice but to help. Thats what the code between them means: Drop everything and help me.

What is it? Init 1 is a run level in linux which indicates a single-user/emergency mode. Streamlining the route to only the root, while disconnecting from the network or multitasker. Used for administrative tasks.

Elliot has to stop the FBI from owning f-society and the only way to do that is by using Ray’s computer. (fuck Ray btw). Just to make sure, he asks Darlene is he is really needed by her or if she wants Robot. I think he needed the reassurance that Darlene still cares (and of course she does).

The second part of the title is .Asec - android files preventing corruption from other programs. So the whole title translates to roughly; Help prevent corruption. And a nod to the way of doing it through hacking into the FBI android phone network. (These titles are genius and have so many layers)

G. Side stuff

1. The FBI have found Fun Society LLC through Dom. I love Dom but idk how I feel about her in these early episodes. She is a fairly good detective though. I think Romero’s character being linked to stealing power from the grid is a nod to the novel Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Ellison touches on social and intellectual issues faced by the African Americans in the early twentieth century. Also I noticed Dom’s supervisor is there and he’s already seen trying to sway the direction away from uncovering he truth.

2. On that note so is Angela. I think we’re intentionally supposed to be annoyed with her because she’s staying at E-Corp even though she knows she’s being manipulated.

“All of my dreams are coming true right now.” - as the bastard guys are being arrested. Not to say this slapped but it did.

We find out Whiterose and Price are in bed together on this thing and this has something to do with Angela and the plant negotiations in the lawsuit. On the phone Whiterose is fussy about moving her operation to the Congo quickly. (lets not try to reason how this plan of hers all works or what the hell it even is). Things are awkward knowing that Price is Angela’s dad, I can’t tell if he’s actually getting close because he wants to know his daughter or if its purely out of getting her around he and Whiterose’s fingers. (both? both.)

In any case I think Esmail sets up the Angela as a counter vulnerability within the main plot, as she’s being open to exploitation by remaining at E-Corp. (refer to the logic set-up)

3. I don’t care for Joanna’s appearance in this episode but she’s running out of money to pay of this guy who has information that could frame Tyrell for murder and is still seeing this guy she definitely hates or likes him but doesn’t love him. Complicated. She needs the severance package to pay this guy off. Tyrell is another vulnerability but he’s undercover.

H. Head canons I thought of while watching

If Elliot hadn’t opened the door when he did Darlene would’ve picked the locks.

Darlene’s go to is always some type of asian food.

The weed is Elliots but the Bowl is Darlenes.

We see coats on the wall hooks in Elliots room, but I think the likes the cold because its grounding so he usually leaves without one on.

When Robot is high (on weed) he just talks like nonstop.

Not a head canon really but I notice Elliot never uses the backrests in chairs. However Robot becomes the chair he is the chair.

Darlene stopped going to dance classes after the hack, I think Angela has also stopped going.

Leons favorite subjects are philosophy and history

#mr robot #eps2.2_init1.asec #as promised I made it look nice to post #I also added a bunch of stuff because I felt like it #This is not comprehensive by any means lol #if this doesn't appear in the tags ...

1 note · View note

lanamemories · 5 years

Text

strides in thru a bead curtain swirling a martini glass n accidentally sloshing it onto my own toes without noticing........ Hlo. my name’s nai n i’m 23 (:/ only jst turned it on the 23rd october n frankly i’m nt used to it yet i feel like rose frm the titanic, 84 n withered) frm manchester in the uk. jst gna go ahead n dive right in bt. OH u can find her pinterest here. ok bye

BRIDGET SATTERLEE / CIS-FEMALE. — lana jameson is really making a name for themselves as a sheep. i think that she is studying dance in their junior year at lockwood, living in alpha nu. originally from albany, NY, lana is known to be vivacious & alluring, but can also be childish & impulsive. — nai / 23 / gmt / she/her.

aesthetics: scalding your fingers in shower water until they glow like rudolph’s nose, cherry red gym socks tugged high and nothing else, stepping out into a cold breeze in just spaghetti strapped silk, a red lightening stripe painted over your eye like a new take on the scarlet letter, crowning each finger with a miniature raspberry, hugging a knee close to lick a stripe of fruit juice off the bruised cap, doodling penises in condensation instead of sitting still, a water pistol topped with rum and covered in glittery pin-up stickers, believable smiles that feel more like baring teeth, playing where’s waldo with your lipstick in the crowd of a party and finding red smudges on at least six people’s mouths, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, prancing around in your underwear to a vinyl record with the curtains open.

BACKGROUND:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. i picture it w dark oak floors n lots of light furniture. albums framed on walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like... a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i described it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”

anyway so jameson records repped a few big rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much... grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. rly troubled characters who wld kind of... b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was kind of an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast n it was just. a very strange environment fr a child to grow up in

her parents always kind of jst... didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt... quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana asked her why shes so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door

(dissociation tw) bc of this growing up lana adopted this weird like.... she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost. she’d jst sort of... drift around the halls w noone acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. hes the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her in the zoo they called a home n cut the crusts off her sandwiches (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door n was always over bc he had very strict parents including a military father tht he found suffocating)

SO when caleb n tommy announced tht they’d signed up to the army lana ws understandably........ completely blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving bt she tried not to b mad at them n made them promise theyd b safe n back as soon as possible. she even asked if they cld somehow take her w them n they were jst like :/ it doesn’t work that way luv x

(death tw, ptsd tw, grief tw, trauma tw, hospitalisation tw, drugs tw) anyway caleb ended up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed tommy die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home sans tommy bt he was never the same after tht. he’s been in and out of hospital twice nw n he’s currently dipped off the radar after starting to use. lana kind of felt like two of her brothers died out there in a way n jst like tht it wasn’t them vs the world any mre, it was jst her. she doesn’t talk abt this tho. when she feels the urge to cry she usually jst smiles

ANYWAY whew tht rly.... took a dark turn there..... chuckles nervously at hw sad lana’s life is bt it’s fine it’s all fINE!!!!!!! ok. so on a mre lighthearted note the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. it kind of... almost mingled w tht same feeling she used to get when she ws younger of being a ghost?? like she jst. only rly feels Real when she’s being touched

(violence tw) a mre recent point of history is her involvement w danny nielsen (an evil npc of mine who is possibly the antichrist??? pending investigation). he attended lockwood n lived in a house w a group of other guys. it wsn’t a registered frat bt he essentially...ran it like one it ws kind of a weird set-up where he ws the King Of The Roost. essentially he found out tht lana n zeke van doren (full name it’s official business Babey) slept together n he ended up beating him to near death in front of her bc his pride ws rly bruised since they were meant to be dating (if u can call it tht bc danny’s idea of dating is very Warped). danny gt arrested n the trial is approaching n it’s jst....a whole intense mess...... n he’s quite evil. she hs a restraining order against him while he’s out on bail b4 the trial n he got suspended frm lockwood n it ws jst. a whole dramatic thing....tht ws prob heard abt around campus

PERSONALITY:

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character n she like. deliberately puts tht on sort of. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. daisies n poppies r her fav flowers bc daisies r wild n overlooked n poppies r the first thing u look at in a green field. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

PLOTS

exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. mayb even one of the high profile kids she grew up hangin w idk. worlds our oyster fellas!

#wshintro #trauma tw #hypersexuality tw #ptsd tw #death tw #grief tw #hospitalisation tw #drugs tw #dissociation tw #lets jst pretend i didnt post this w the wrong. intro tag a second ago bt #this truly is a bit long............ feel free to #jst skim.....to her personality bc there's a lot #bt anyway yeets this bk out

6 notes · View notes

yellowshibe · 5 years

Text

epilogue reaction rant

i am SURE this has been said but from the pov of a long long term hs fan seeing people angry about the epilogues and saying homestuck is cancelled etc is so fucking obvious to me that a good 90% of this fandom sees homestuck as a comfort, not an actual piece of content (more under the cut.)

its just crazy to me that people are legitimately telling hussie/v/jenna/etc that they’ve destroyed the comic, the characters, the fandom is wild rn with people saying the epilogue doesn’t exist...etc. its just so telling of how yall view homestuck as a whole, itself, even the comic. ESPECIALLY the comic.

homestuck, rereading it now as an adult, is a piece of media so intensely entrenched in PAIN, trauma, young/teen confusion petaining to relationships both romantic and parental, abuse, literal death and gore, meta universe bullshit, like guys. its about 13 year old children being saddled with the responsibility of not only each others lives and the fate of their and others universes, but also so much death. so much death! everyone they know dies - family, and every human, every species on their homeworld. and they are 13.

when i was 13, my bangs, my clothes, instagram were stressful for me. i am neurodivergent and left school in 8th grade. i found homestuck thru a childhood friend right before - and reading it the first time, i skimmed, i barely read any pesterlogs till act 5. it took me 3 years thru to act 6. (i think). and i never actually finished it. i never saw the last flash, i never paid attention to upd8s. i was a kid busy being fucked up and out of school and bed bound. but now im 20, and im rereading it with my girlfriend. its such, such a different piece of work than 13-15 year old me experienced. homestuck, essentially, is a story of stories. it’s over 150 (?) characters OWN lives and arcs and plots and deaths tangled up in each others. like literally, it is about where you came from, who you came from. how you were raised and how that effects you. how your lineage and your OWN timeline can fuck you up. both of them! how you are just a kid and its hard and NOBODY understands. it encapsulates such an intense feeling of middle/highschool depression and GROWTH - thru trauma and pain and wanting love and the love being offered not being enough or its weird and whatever else inner workings 13 to 16 year olds have. THAT I HAD.

and on the other hand, homestuck is a tragedy. its as long as ulysses. it’s so so painful. so many characters, side or beloved, die, tragically and bloodily and painfully and sometimes only as a semi plot device. a lot of the time the death is meaningless in the moment - if the character is lucky, it matters later on. but something i see hussie put across so often is the set up of tropes in characters or situations only to destroy it. remember in like 2013 when an upd8 would drop and people would make wild predictions with just the most obscene random bullshit, because we all knew hussie was FUCKING CRAZY and would fuck shit up just to fuck shit up? that was probably my favorite aspect of the fandom back then - people wildly spewing ideas and theories and us all waiting with baited breath for the next installment and to see who was right about how fucking crazy huss is and also how well we knew our characters and our assumptions of plot and LORE. where is that mentality now? where are people saying holy shit. this is so intense. this is SO GOOD.

when i started reading the epilogues i went in with the assumption the people who created it could FUCK us up, and over. i honestly expected WORSE - that huss/etc would create and insanely twisted (plot wise) convoluted not satisfying or real ending. but they chose to make it TOO real. to comment on the characters humanity. the entrapment of characters and huss himself imo in fanon. how people’s interpretations of his/their work was becoming so warped post end of hs. and yall really outdid yourselves! you all chose to see this work, tragic and fucked up and HUMAN as it is, and say. oh well you didn’t write it HAPPY, so i don’t like it. you, hussie, the creator, chose to end this work with pain and trauma and more death, and even though that was in the comic, since i see everyone i like from hs as happy go luck comfort characters, i am removing myself from something i love denying canon and denying hussie his autonomy as a creator because I WANTED IT TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD..????????

please i implore you go reread the comic. it is JUST as fucked up as the epilogue - but thru the eyes of 13 year old kids, not thoroughly traumatized and broken and angry 23 year olds who hate each other but only HAVE each other, interacting w fascism and transphobia and unwillingness to confron one another because this is it, this is all we get. as a freshly new adult tm. i fucking loved it. it touches on so many interpersonal and PERSONAL fucked up things about being an adult in the wake of the destruction of your childhood and sense of reality. its such a relatable and painful thing but its NOT bad - they chose to make it this way, they also chose to warn us, to tag triggers, to say take your time, its 700,000 words and its painful . and yall are ignoring that bc your fucking fav character isnt happy, like jesus. homestuck as a work grew up. so should we.

#blah blah blah #homestuck #homestuck epilogue #homestuck spoilers #tw #trigger warning #these r my thoughts u dont have to agree dont climb into my inbox w hate bc we disaree thanks

55 notes · View notes

migleefulmoments · 5 years

Note

"for those of you are are drinking the Kool Aide, you all believe that he shares his entire private life, because we see him all the time and constantly out and about." I can't get over how black and white she sees everything. Darren has to share every part of his life or share nothing. It's just not how things work for any celeb or even people we know irl. I don't know every single detail of my own friends lives and I don't need to, people are entitled to share/not share as much as they want.

Isn’t it incredible? She really has a very literal interprotation of words- several times a week I am still shocked by one of her revelations. That entire ask was pretty interesting.

Anonymous asked:

It perplexes me that stans try and say we read too much in to D's friendships with people like AC, HS, etc and that they're only his PR friends when they do the same thing with the SKs and others. Just because D says RR and the SKs are his besties on social media doesn't make it true in the same way us believing in a friendship based on social media doesn't make that true. Funny how they use the same tactics as we do to prove their side but we're chastised for it!

Nonnie, the stans are desperate right now.

I love how she always claims were are shaking in our shoes because we know she’s right-it’s so childish. I think that was the argument strategy I used with my younger sister when I was in middle school. Abby projects her own anguish by claiming “they are desperate”. Except I'm have never said #Iamveryupset over something in Darren’s life, I don’t hate 2019, and I don’t come up with derogatory names to bully his friends and disparage his wedding and the show he created.

One of them spent hours researching each person we posted about to tell us where said individual was on the day of the horror film Hours, her post is laughable, because she needs to feel better about the fact that she too knows that the guest list was off.

It’s hilarious that she believes I spent hours searching for where each person was on February 16. First of all, I mentioned that my fairy godmother sent me those links and second of all, they were from Instagram so not hard to find.

Not to mention she completely discounted that D&M were ecaged for over one year,

Then she lays on some classic Abby logic- they were engaged for a year so their “friends” (as defined by Abby) should have known to get the day off. Of course they should have because that is what she did for her friends’ wedding. I’m sure that those who wanted to be were there. But some times work gets in the way (Why are we taking about this 7 months later?).

and most people who wanted to be there would have been there, not one of the excuses she names to me was something that had to happen.

Wow...the people who paid to see the live performances and the costars and crew who worked those show would disagree. Alan, Lena, and Laura all had live shows that weekend soooooo not exactly the same as Abby getting a coworker to cover her at a conference while she was in a wedding last weekend. But more importantly, isn’t this an argument in my favor? I agree, everyone who wanted to be there would have been hence those people You believe are his real friends- that I'm arguing are coworkers- weren’t there (X) (X) (Xk)

I have gotten countless anons saying D is “private” and we don’t know who he hangs out with. Not true, if you believe in the marriage, he is not private”

FACT: Each and every time I debunk a cc trope, I methodically lay out the proof and provide evidence showing why and how ccers are wrong. I include links, dates, photos and quotes- all which can be double checked for accuracy. There is nothing fun about making up facts- it’s only fun if I can prove I’m right. Here you are “taking me down” with some sweet cc proof (X) Take note- they are all gifs.

I get it, you believe Darren’s closest friends are his former coworkers because those are the people you’ve seen with him in so many photos on social media. Those are the people he said such nice things about while promoting the project but of course, that is what you do when you are drumming up publicly for a show. While I have no doubt he likes those people and they are friendly acquaintances- friends even- they aren’t his closest friends. If the only time he is with those people are when they are working or promoting a project-that is a pretty good hint that they are not his ride-or-die friends. You have to look for consistency-are they hanging out while working on a project or have thy been friend for 16 years? The people he has literally called “one of my best friends” are also the people he travels with (Vegas, Palm Springs, overseas, Ann Arbor, NY), they attended each other’s weddings and performed at each other’s ceremonies. They are the people he takes to shows in and around LA. see various music and theater shows in and around LA, Do they mention Mia on social media? All of Darren’s close friends have a friendship with MIa.

If you really want to have a clue about what is going on in Darren’s private life, you have to look a little deeper. You have to listen to what he says in his interviews-even if there isn’t a gif-worthy moment to manipulate. You ignore the audio and print interviews- even those where he divulged a lot -because they can’t be altered- there is no video to crop, slow-down, and make into an emotional gif.

Another telltale sign -does he talk about the friends in relation to his future? He calls writing a show with TheStarKid “the most fun thing to do”. Taking in all of the evidence, it is clear to me that the people at his wedding were the people he considers his closest friends. He hired Nick Lang and John and Jennifer for Royalties because he likes them.

Fact, they can’t have their cake and eat it too. If you accept that m/iarren is real, they you must accept that D has lied repeatedly about privacy being precious. I feel like i went to JLB’s wedding. I felt like i went to MS & BH’s wedding. And like I was on the great family honeymoon in the Philippines. And both European trips. I see that he has been with the creepster and his “not gf” repeatedly over the past few months. And I lived the sham mockery we have so much footage.

(starts beating my head against the wall) “He’s private so we don’t know who he hangs out with” except we can see with our own two eyes who he is with. Do you imagine that he stays home so he can hang with Edgar, Jane, Alan and Elvis privately? Oh wait, I know they all have invisibility cloaks. For the 9000th time, “being private” means he doesn’t share his intimate life secrets. All celebs have to give up some level of privacy. Darren keeps mentioning it to explain why he doesn’t post on social media more- it’s something he thinks? worries? about a lot. He isn’t telling us he’s private because he thinks it’s our responsibly to worry about it.

He is actually private-compare him to Kylie Jenner or Gigi Gorgeous who share everything. He does however leave his house and we can sometimes see who he’s with. The only person in your list of “friends” that we know he spent appreciate time with when they weren’t working together is Ricky Martin. He has spent personal- non-working time- with StarKids, Ricky, Ben, and Ashley .

(still beating head against the wall) You didn’t “almost go to” any of thoseweddings. You saw a few short videos and some photos because you stalked all of the people who were invited to those weddings. Darren had NO control over any wedding outside of his own and he clearly wasn’t worried about his privacy at his friend’s weddings and that isn’t something for you to worry about. Darren is an adult and he is making choices in his life. You let him handle his own life- you will be way less anxious.

If they insist the people we see are real friendships like SK, they can’t then go the opposite way and say he is hiding his very private friendship with JC, AL, BF, and PA. It doesn’t work that way. If you accept what they repeatedly show us, weekly, often daily, then you accept D is an attention whore. Plain and simple.

(hitting my head against the wall EVEN HARDER) I can absolutely accept that Darren feels like privacy is precious AND also feels very comfortable that what he shares about his life AND is happy about his life choses. I do not believe that he is hiding his relationship with Jennifer, Ben kor Pamela, and whomever else your initials represent (my brain hurts from all the hitting). Darren’s personal life is private and there is no doubt he has relationships with people we don’t see- they might also be Mia’s friends. Or he knew he was hiring Jennifer for the show and invited her. There are lots of solutions to the equation-it isn’t my job or yours to solve it. Your need for everything to be “all” or “nothing” is what is tripping you up here. It absolute can go both ways. He sees Ricky, Ashley, StarKids and Ben more often because they are friends who and out, they have a lot in common and enjoy seeing time together because they are at the same stage of life. Pamela and Jennifer can be special to Darren even if they aren’t people he spends a lot of time in public with. People can be very special even if we see them very rarely. Relationships aren’t predicated on spending time together. But the fact is WE DO SEE his friendship with StarKids, Ricky, Ashley and Ben and we know they are good friends because he’s told us so. We have verbal confirmation and we have seen physical evidence. With Jennifer, Ben and Pamela, we have not seen evidence of a friendship besides the wedding but they were at the wedding and it isn’t our responsibly to figure out who each person is friends with and how special that friend is. The message is that that person meant enough that they invited them to the wedding. As for you list of “friends” Alan, Elvis, Jane, Ricky, Edgar etc, we saw a ton of interaction while they were promoting their projects but then it stopped. They also weren’t at the wedding which leads me to believe that they are friends but they aren’t al that close that they would fly to NOLA for a wedding.

It is Darren’s responsibility to decided how much he wants to share and to know whether he is sharing too much with his fans. It Is NOT my responsibility -as a fan- to make sure he is comfortable or to determine what he means by “private”.

I don’t agree with you that “If Miarren is real then we must accept that Darren is lying repeatedly about the privacy thing”. What I will agree with is that you constantly misconstrue what he means the says he is private. I also believe that as a general rule, those of us who grew up before social media have a much more restricted definition of “private” than those who were younger when it became popular. So what you think is “private”, younger people willingly share.

What I don’t understand is that you claim over and over that everything out of Darren’s mouth is a lie. You claim he isn’t straight, he is with Chris or married to Chris, he is not married to Mia, his wedding was a sham, and that he doesn’t own or even like TSGs, that he doesn’t live with Mia in the home he show off as his home, and that he lies during interviews because he team forces him to interviews

Sp the question is what lie are you willing to accept? Because either D is lying about his sexuality or he is lying about his desire to keep his private life private and off of SM.

My question to you is “what lies are you willing to accept?”

#cc #ccer #cc fandom #crisscolfer #darren criss #debunking cc lies #cc nonsense #explaining relationships

7 notes · View notes

blackmilshake · 6 years

Text

ALONE part two ||H.S

Requested:

PLEASE MAKE A PART 2 OF ALONE WHERE HE WRITES SONGS ABOUT HER AND THEY GET BACK TOGETHER

Part 2 to alone with a happy ending pls? So good! :)

Hi lovie! make a part 2 of Alone? Xxx

part 2 of alone :))

SUMMARY: Harry and you had drifted apart, and you felt so alone in the relationship that you broke up with him and he has never felt so bad. Also he got the flu.

A/N: I am SO sorry it has taken me this long, I have been so busy with college and everything. I love the surgeries and requests. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. The sing is Sweet Creature, by our beloved Harry Styles.

Word count: +20k

Part one:

http://blackmilkshake.tumblr.com/post/173822219567/alone-hs

It was the night before your birthday, and it was the first time in five years since you met Harry he wouldn’t be there with you. He had felt miserable; he hadn’t left his flat since the last time you were there. He hadn’t talked to anyone. It’s been two weeks, the longest two weeks of his life. And nobody had contacted him either. Thinking he was already on his trip and needed his concentration.

He thought he couldn’t feel any worst until the reminder of your birthday appeared in his lock screen, it was 10:00 pm and he actually got sick. He had eaten Thai that night, all to be thrown up a couple of hours later.

He brushed his teeth, and drank some tea.

His legs were shaking slightly and he probably had the fever. On the top of everything he had gotten the flu.

He looked at the papers on his desk. Two days ago he had been humming your favourite song. Then he felt like he needed to write about you. So there laid three different scratches of three different songs, all made for you. He sat there and started to fix some things in his journal, or the last two pages of it. Two weeks had been enough for him to almost fill it all.

He ran his hand through his messy hair and let a tear fall down, the drop in the middle of the page.

Sweet creature Had another talk about where it's going wrong But we're still young We don't know where we're going But we know where we belong

Harry had seen in a picture of your best friend’s Instagram that they were throwing you a party in her apartment. There were balloons and many of your friends that he had seen in pictures before but never met in person. And there were so many people he didn’t recognize. It felt odd to him because you had always left your birthdays just for him. Now he sees all you’ve been missing because of him.

And oh we started Two hearts in one home It's hard when we argue We're both stubborn I know, but oh

Harry took the picture of the two of you that was next to his bed. It was in Paris, on your third birthday together, and you were smiling so big. But you were smiling really big in that picture of your friend’s Instagram as well. He couldn’t possible survive another day without that smile. It has been the longest you two have been without talking. It didn’t felt right. He didn’t feel like himself. He missed your sweet smile in front of him, your giggles and loud laugh.

Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home

He was keeping himself from running back to you that moment. He wanted you to be happy, and was trying to understand that even you were the best thing that could have ever happened to him, he wasn’t the best thing for you.

Sweet creature Running through the garden, oh, where nothing bothered us But we're still young I always think about you and how we don't speak enough

He tried to process that you were so done it got to the point when you couldn’t be with him. And he remembered one of your last fights, when he had left you waiting in a restaurant for hours.

“I can’t believe you didn’t have the time to call me, just a call to tell me you weren’t coming. That’s it.”

“I was busy” Harry had answered simply, shrugging, not really being sorry.

“So was I, and I took my time to be with you, Harry.”

“You knew what you were getting yourself into, I have a life.” He spatted, annoyed at you and raising he volume of the TV. You had had enough for a day, your work day in the hospital had been rough enough and you thought that maybe sometime with Harry would help, if he had only shown up.

“I knew it would be hard, I knew I would have people’s eyes on us all the freaking time, that you would be gone for months. What I didn’t know was that I would be the only one fighting for us, that it would be just me at the end of the day, not physically, emotionally. Cause you are here, you have me here, we haven’t properly talked in days, yet you choose some TV rubbish over us, cause it’s no me, it’s us.”

And you left him there, but he took it as some overreaction from you. Which deep down he knew it wasn’t. He only wanted you when he wanted to, most of the time he was somewhere else.

But he really loved you.

He was just taking you for granted, assuming you had to be there for him, waiting, loving him.

It was all his fault. He knew it, and he couldn’t forgive himself for it. He finished up the lyrics and when to the bathroom to take a quick shower as he felt this temperature raising even more.

He saw his reflection, he looked pale and huge bags under his eyes. He didn’t know whether those backs were from crying or just how bad he felt with the flu symptoms all over his body, maybe both.

A wave of rage ran through his body as he saw a picture of you laughing with a guy in one of the Instagram stories.

He didn’t notice when he got dressed, your favorite suit of him on.

He left his misery, drove across town and got to the party held only for you.

It was 00:00 sharp and he got just in time to see your friends sing you happy birthday. He stood there, at the end of the room, singing slowly. Smiling at you.

“Don’t forget your wish” He murmured.

That’s when you saw him. Standing there, your favorite suit on him. His hair a little mess.

And you made your wish, blowing the candles, making everyone shout.

Your hands cold, and trembling.

Had you just imagined Harry there?

The cake was being cut and they didn’t need you there, so you went to the main door.

“Happy birthday, beautiful. You look breath-taking.” He whispered in your ear, making you jump.

“Harry?” You looked at him, eyes big. He smelled so good.

Then he sneezed, making you giggle.

“Bless you.” You saw him blush. Then you remembered. You two were no longer together.

“What are you doing here?”

The question had to be asked, Harry knew that, but he didn’t expect it to feel so heavy on his chest.

“It’s your birthday, sugar, I could never miss it”

You wanted to act tough, make him leave. But he came, he was there. He should be in that island, yet he was there. But the question was... Was it too late?

“I have something for you.” His voice deeper than usual, his eyes looking directly into your soul.

“Harry...”

“It’s nothing you can use, it’s something you can remember tho. Come with me?”

He said mysteriously and took your hand in his, asking you to follow him. And you would have followed him to the end of the world.

“Ok.”

What are you doing? He is your ex. You thought.

He took you to the roof, smiling nervously, there laid the guitar. He took his jacket of and put it in your shoulders, giving you a quick kiss in your forehead. Even when he was sick, feeling like trash, he wanted you to be fine.

And ohhhh, we started Two hearts in one home I know it's hard, we argue We're both stubborn, I know But oh Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home And ohhh, when we started Just two hearts in one home It gets harder when we argue We're both stubborn, I know But oh Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home

You bring me home

He was looking deeply into your eyes, trying to read your thoughts, but it had always been hard for him, you seemed so calmed all the time, you were so hard to read. Tears were running freely and rapidly down your cold cheeks.

He finished singing, nervous, his voice giving up so many times, his body aching and the fever rising, the cold air hitting him making his head spin, but he didn’t care. He wanted you back. He wanted to make all different.

He left the guitar aside. And you pulled him closer. Tears running like cascades down your cheeks. You missed him, you regretted leaving him before you even did. But it seemed the right thing, it still seemed to you like the right thing, but why didn’t it feel like it? When his arms around you made you feel the safest, the most powerful woman to ever exist. But the times you have felt so alone still lingered as a bitter taste in your mouth.

“What do you think about it, kitten?”

“You are extremely talented, you don’t need to be reminded that, Edward. Thank you, but I think you should get go...”

“Please, don’t, don’t make me leave you, cause I can’t. You are my all, I’m nothing but a broken shitty famous person without you, you make me a better man. And being alone was never hard before I met you” Harry whispered the last par with the voice he had left, coughing at the end of it, and you worried.

You got closer and raised your hand to touch his burning forehead, your heart sank to your gut, you wanted him to be fine, healthy, happy, cause he deserved it, he was such a good man.

“Harry, you’re burning with fever!” You gasped. And that’s when you noticed how red his nose was and his face pale, his lips almost purple, huge gray bags under his puffy eyes.

How could he still manage to look so good.

You took his hand in yours, and felt how cold they were, slightly shaking.

“Let’s get you out of here” you shook your head and took his jacket out and put it back in his arms. He was protecting you even when he was sick, it was a small yet so powerful action, that it reminded you of when you just started to date him.

You took him to your best friend’s flat, everyone was either eating cake or dancing at the loud song playing in the background, blue, red and green lights everywhere and you could almost feel sick for Harry. You guided him to the guest room.

“Sit here, please.”

Harry wanted to be answered. You didn’t make a comment about your actual status with him. Yet he let you treat him.

You ran out of the room, only to be back with a bowl of cold water and pills, then went outside again and brought a huge glass of water.

“Have you gone to the doctor?” She asked, almost knowing the answer.

“You’re my doctor.” He said harshly, coughing, to which you rolled your eyes.

“How long have you been like this?”

“For almost three days or so.” He said vaguely.

She put a sticky thermometer on his head that soon read the temperature with red numbers 39.7 °c.

Her worried expression couldn’t be hidden and she was mad, mad at him for not taking care of himself.

“Your fever is really high. Have you had any medication?”

He shook his head no. Watching as her lips formed a tight line. He felt ashamed, and sad for making you worry on your birthday, but somehow he felt relieved, relieved that you still cared enough for you to get that bothered.

“Any other symptoms?”

“Headache, and I’ve thrown up, twice”

“Any idea why?”

“The headache was kinda bad, I guess that caused the vomiting, but the headache probably the lack of sleep if I’m being honest, petal”

His words hurt her, how could he be so careless about his health.

“Take this.” You handed him a pill that would make the fever go down, that was the first thing you needed to treat. She took a small towel and deep it in the cold water, and then in his forehead.

“You need to take more care of yourself, Ed. Your health is not a game”

“I love you, kitten, I love you with everything in me, please, take me back.” He said with some difficulty, ignoring your previous words.

You didn’t like the way your heart was pounding in your chest, nor how much your lips longed his, or the way the song he made for you still lingered in your head, making your stomach feel funny.

But you hated the thought of this being just an apology and then feeling alone again.

“Only if you promise you won’t become that distant again, that you’ll actually fight for us. Not just me. Because if I find myself alone in this relationship, I am leaving for good.”

Tears fell down Harry’s eyes. The second chance he needed.

“I promise petal, now I need you to promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“Promise you’ll say yes.”

“Yes?”

He took the red velvet box out of his pocket and opened, there stood a beautiful ring.

“I felt in love with you after hearing you laugh, I fell for you harder everyday, and I still do, I love you so much it scares me sometimes, you are my motivation to keep going everyday, to wake up and thing that I will be with you at the end of the day. I knew you were the one the moment we kissed. I love you for every single thing you do, every single thing you say. I love you even when I am mad at you. I cannot find the words to describe how much you mean to me. You are my everything, and I want to wake up next to you everyday, be the reason of your laughs and happy tears, the father of our 24 babies, grow old with you by my side. So, my question is... Would you marry me, petal?”

Tears escaped your eyes as you nodded., completely speechless, you were so happy ans shocked you could do anything but nod aggressively.

“Yes!” You managed to let out, utterly happy.

And you kissed him, not really caring about getting the flu, wanting to feel his sweet lips in yours.

And he never let you feel abandoned ever again.

121 notes · View notes

inspirationallyinsane · 3 years

Text

January 7 2021

Hi Tumblr. I'm writing tonight because I'm feeling reminiscent I guess. I've had a lot on my mind for the past few days and I've been going over my life and I just felt like I needed to talk to someone about it. But no one is interested in your life story, I know I wouldn't be. So here I am, writing it out instead. I think that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I used to say that I didn't have any regrets in my life because everything that I have done has led me to become the person that I am, and I generally like the person that I am. Now, I'm not so sure that it is enough; the idea that just because you like who you are now, you don't regret your past. I think I might regret a lot of things. High school was a weird time for me. I can't relate to the person I was anymore. Tonight I was reading through old text threads and over the last week or so I've been reading old posts on my blog and I just... I can't remember that girl anymore. I was so obnoxious, so oblivious to what real struggle was. I was obsessive about something as petty and ridiculous as love. My main concern, my main focus at any point in time, was love. And as odd as it is, as much as I put into love, I was horrible at it. I chose the wrong person time after time. And I didn't see the value in the right ones. I always thought that there must be something more, there must be something better. I really didn't know. I feel like maybe I know now. It doesn't make it easier. But, I think it might make me less obnoxious. I'm so tired, Tumblr. I'm so tired. You know, when I was at Chapman, I wrote "letters" to Austin every day. I wrote to him because it made me feel like he was there with me. But he was awful. He was a pompous asshole who, in all likelihood, could've given two shits about me. Yet I glorified him. I felt like he could solve my problems. I think that part of the reason that I felt so out of place there was because I was stuck with him. I think it would be different now. I wouldn't write him letters. And in High School, all the shit with Emry. I look back on the way I felt about him and I grasp at straws as to why. Going into HS I had hoped that he would be there, and I had hoped that we would have some sort of connection because I felt that we could have such a beautiful romantic story. You know, meeting in kindergarten and playing house every day, not seeing each other for years and years, and then reconnecting in HS and finding real love. It'd be like a movie. But beyond that?? He wasn't the type of person that I truly would want to love. It's so stupid. I wasted four years of my life being miserable, and a lot of it was because I was pining for someone who, in my true heart, I didn't care about. I was chasing a story, an ending that would make sense to me. And I guess, I'm a writer so... of course I'm going to chase the story. But now? Now that perhaps I'm not a writer, I can't see the story anymore. Not with Emry. Not with anyone. Life is grayer now. There are no perfect moments with the perfect guy who suddenly makes you see color. He doesn't appear in your life and solve all your problems and make you feel any less anxious or depressed. You don't suddenly realize you have value or you're beautiful just because some dude is interested in you. There is no perfect ending, there is no fairy tale, just a series of choices you have to make every day. To be honest? I don't care about that story anymore. My romantic story. I don't particularly care about my professional story or my personal story either, but maybe more so than the romantic one. I don't daydream as much as I used to, but when I do, it is no longer about locking lips with the perfect man, it's about finding success and happiness in my career. About finally finding satisfaction in what I do. I have a specific one in which I give a TEDtalk about retiring early. I like that one. I want to have that someday. I regret the way I acted before. Even the way I was after I came back to Medford and I was hanging out with Zach and Alec and those guys. I just. I feel sad for myself. And the craziest thing is? I didn't enjoy it. I acted that way because I thought that their validation would somehow improve the way that I saw myself, or the way that the world saw me. Reality is though, no one fucking cares. No one cares about one person's opinion of you. I live in a world now where no one knows the people I went to HS with. My FA partner could give a rats ass if some random kid from my HS thinks I'm cool. But even a short two years ago, I thought that it would always matter. That their opinion of me would ALWAYS matter. Forever impact me. It's just not true. I want shit to be different. I want to go back and make it different. I want to re-meet people. I want to make things right. I want to change the outcomes. I want to change the way I spoke and change the way I treated people. I want to change the way I held myself. It is occupying so much space in my mind right now. I need to change it. I'm going to try to change it. And maybe part of changing it is just being better now. Holding myself to a higher standard and focusing on myself. Becoming the best person I can be. It's funny because I am 22 years old and I feel so ancient. I feel old af. And everyday I am feeling older. I yearn for boring. I yearn for normalcy. For something less dramatic, something easy. I want a summer rain. I'm so tired of the flood. Goodness. Sometimes I wish time were different. Because, it is 3:16am and now is the time when I want to pick up the phone. But I feel so lethargic during normal people hours that I don't do it when I can. Having this work from home job is really messing up time for me, I think. I've always worked better at night and now I can do all my work at 3am and then just clock in at 9am and take a quick nap before I have to do any training. Eventually when I'm not training I can just work at night and it won't matter. As long as I get everything done, it doesn't matter. I hate texting. I honestly, I hate it so much now. Like if I want to talk to someone I'd rather just call them. But I feel like maybe that is sort of frowned upon socially now? I guess part of getting older is maybe not caring so much about what is "frowned upon" as far as communication styles go. You know, I was genuinely worried about deleting my instagram and my facebook. I was concerned that it wouldn't be socially acceptable. And new people I met would think I was weird or people wouldn't care about me as much if I wasn't on those sites. That's so dumb. Haha. I don't miss it at all. And now, if I want to see what someone is up to, I actually have to call them. Which?? Is so much better? Not that I have done that but in theory I think that should be the way that it is. If someone is on your mind, contact that person. Right? I hate that now it's like, if you think of an old friend and you think 'I wonder what that person is up to', you just go on the internet. I think it'd be better if people actually talked to each other. Maybe it's just that I want more people to talk to. Maybe it is that I'm right though. And talking to someone is significantly more enriching than looking at photos or posts online. Who knows. I've become a technology skeptic. I can't get behind the smart home stuff, and recently I got a new phone and I miss my old phone. Lowkey, if I didn't have my anxiety apps and stuff on my iphone I would seriously consider a flip phone. I'm tired of texting and I'm tired of feeling like I should always be connected. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I don't know why but I guess right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads. It is odd because really, I'm not. I have my career and I have a home and I'm doing well. But there seems to be this impending choice. A choice I'm going to have to make, perhaps a choice I'm making already. A choice I'm making every day. A choice not to change... a choice to make a change. It's hard for me; being such an indecisive person. I will always doubt myself. Part of me is happy in my job and with my life, part of me wants to say fuck it and go back to school and study creative writing. Part of me is happy in Eugene, and growing more happy here all the time, but part of me wants to be in Medford. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. Part of me wants to be an adult, and part of me wants to stay a child. Part of me wants to focus on what matters, and part of me wants to stream League of Legends all day and just get really into that. It's hard. What is the right choice? How do I know I'm doing what is best for me? Especially when I can look back and see so clearly that in the past I have NEVER done what is best for me. Do I go against my gut because I don't want to repeat old habits? Who in the world knows about this stuff? I don't know. I'm a naturally anxious person and so maybe I'm just overthinking life. Maybe it is much simpler and time will simply pass and choices will be made and I have to settle within myself those choices. My brother believes strongly in determinism. I think it would be easier for me if I believed in that too. But I don't. So. Maybe I'll always be plagued with doubt. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it is the case that reevaluating your life every once in a while will cause you to grow. I feel like I've grown. Although, it could also just be that as years pass people will change. And the idea that some change is good and some change is bad is semantics and all change is just... unavoidable. Because if the point of life is happiness, and I don't know that it is but for simplicity's sake let's say it is, am I really happier doing what I am doing now than I would be in literally any other situation? I don't think so. I think happiness is consistent and humans are adaptable creatures and so I guess maybe it doesn't matter what you do. Hm. But I said earlier that it does. That would be a contradiction wouldn't it? Oh well. I also said that I don't know so. A healthy debate with myself is justified. A healthy debate with another human being would be more fun though. Haha. Anyway. I guess that is all for tonight. I hope you are well Tumblr, I appreciate having a space to, more or less, think out loud. This was helpful for me. I missed writing. Maybe I'll do more of it~

0 notes