#nobody pays me! I get nothing out of this! why are people treating me like not a person!

[doctorweebmd]

I was thinking about this the other day and wondering why it’s become so much less fun to write for BNHA and I think it’s because… I’ve written too much?

Like being a one-off author was fine and fun and novel and people were so cool and supportive, but now I’ve got multiple long fics and people have started treating me like someone that “creates content” rather than someone who is writing for fun. And I’ve shot myself in the foot by continuing to write long-fic and putting my heart and soul into them and it’s like never enough, people just expect more and more and more and I want to keep giving and keep doing better but no matter what I write it’s just not ENOUGH

And like… this started a little after I finished Zero Sum Game but like… people have started forming “opinions” that they share openly about “me” - I can’t stand going into fandom space and seeing people say they can’t read anything I write, or they don’t like me as an author, openly ranking my works, saying xyz is overrated or mention me by name in shipping discourse or send me hate mail or update requests or just straight up telling me they’re not going to read what I write anymore… and these people don’t know me!!! I’m just an empty space to them!!! Just a machine that pumps out thousands on thousands of words to just look at an forget about instantly!!!!!!!!

Where do people get off honestly. Is it like this everywhere or is it just BNHA? Is it because it’s so popular that the community has broken down completely? Sincerely what the fuck how can anyone treat writers like this…

#literally got a comment like yesterday saying ‘I’m so disappointed this hasn’t been updated in a year! I need it’ #…fuck you actually? #I realize fics take 1-2 days to read #but all of this has taken hundreds of hours and YEARS to write #but sorry I don’t have the specific thing that you want to readily consume I guess #I am! not! a! content! creator! #nobody pays me! I get nothing out of this! why are people treating me like not a person! #and it’s just more and more frustrating seeing other writers mention stuff like this too #I realize I’m just venting now but whatever #like i feel like I built something over the past few years that I’m so proud of #but sometimes I want to burn it ALL to the ground #it’s not that deep #it’s just… I put too much of myself into this #which honestly is mostly my own fault #ANYWAY. that’s a big part as to why I’m jumping ship for now #I’d rather have fun and write whatever and have no one give a shit #than to give my heart and soul to a community that chews me up and spits me out #…. sorry I’m being so dramatic #the amazing wonderful kind people that have stayed around for these 3.5 years who still say kind words to me I love you so much #as always the negativity is the vast minority but that’s what hits the hardest I guess #I mean honestly I don’t care and will continue to write and do whatever I want #but wanted to reflect on my frustrations and make sense of it #.

[mypoisonedvine]

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 (part one) | neil lewis x reader

title comes from the song you already know by bombay bicycle club

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | you've been best friends with neil basically your entire life, and secretly in love with him almost as long. will you ever find the courage to tell him the truth?

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 10k

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | smut, angst, pining/unrequited love - 18+ only

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | alcohol consumption, 'kid' as a petname, reader being kind of a femcel, jonathan being kind of mvp??

Neil had asked you to make sure the Thriller section was alphabetized; sometimes you thought he was just giving you tasks to look busy, but then again, you could probably use it since the employees of Gumshoe Video never looked very busy.  You spent most of the day on the couches, watching whatever old bizarre gem Neil put on— sometimes you thought he only had employees other than himself so that he could pay people to sit here and watch this stuff with him.  

But, the point is, you were sorting tapes.  Because everyone needs their VHS thriller movies to be in perfect alphabetical order.

There actually was a customer in the store, for once, so it was better not to be on the couch anyhow.  You hadn’t really noticed him when he came in, but as he wandered around the shelves, he seemed to drift towards you.  

You tried to ignore him when he stopped right beside you— and kneeling to look at the lowest shelf, he towered over you— but when you stood up he got your attention.  

"Need any help, sweetheart?" he asked, leaning in a little too close.  "I'm kind of a movie buff."

He had a frat guy kind of look about him— polo, boat shoes, quaffed blonde hair.  He could be good-looking, you thought, if he didn’t dress like a discount Abercrombie model… and if he didn’t hit on random women at the video store.  "I actually work here," you corrected, barely looking up from your task.  This is why we need uniforms instead of just dressing up to promote specials…

"Oh, really?" he smirked.  "What made you wanna work in a place like this?"

"My best friend owns the place," you explained, "and I'm, you know… kind of a movie buff."

"Right," he said, not seeming convinced.  "You like Kubrick?"

You rolled your eyes so hard you almost choked: Wow, what a deep cut.  But you kept a straight-ish face when you looked at him.  "Yeah, he's pretty good.  Don't care for how he treats his actors, but he was certainly a visionary."

"What are your top five favorite Kubrick movies?"

You knew this guy was a tool, but you were still a bit shocked that he actually had the gall to quiz you.  "Excuse me?" you scoffed incredulously.

"Can you even name five?" he asked, looking horribly proud of himself, and you straightened up as you glared at him.

"You're heterosexual, right?" you asked him, getting a confused nod.  "Can you name five women you've made come?"

Neil watched the guy storm out, Lucien cringed a bit from behind the register— and Jonathan, not seeming as if he had been paying attention at all, kept laying across the couch and tossing a ball up in the air to catch and throw again.

“Okay, that’s gotta be the third this week,” Lucien groaned.  “What are you saying to these guys?”

“Nothing worse than what they’re saying to me,” you assured with a frustrated, sarcastic smile.

“Listen, don’t get me wrong,” Neil began, “that guy totally deserved it— but maybe, you know… work on your demeanor with customers?”

“Wow,” you scoffed as you crossed your arms, “do you think I should smile more, too?”

“Wha— no!” Neil denied.  

“Yes,” Lucien said at the same time, though he changed his answer with an awkward cough and mumble when you both shot him a look.  “No, no— you’re good— you smile too much, even…”

“I don’t mean it like that,” Neil promised.  “But I think half the guys that come here are just coming here to see you!  Nobody even rents movies anymore.”  He groaned a little, dropping his shoulders defeatedly.  “Can’t you… tell them you’ll go out with them if they rent something?”

“What?!” you squeaked. “No!”

“Sales would double,” Lucien nodded.

“No,” you said again.  “I’m not letting you pimp me out to sell tapes, Neil.”

“I just mean— maybe you don’t really go out with them,” he suggested.  “Just… allude to the fact that you’re only interested in guys who…”

He trailed off as he searched around the shelves for a bit, smiling when he snagged a copy of The Maltese Falcon.

“— in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” he grinned, “you know— for example.  Then they rent it to impress you and we make a few bucks.”

“I am only interested in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” you frowned, snatching the tape away and shoving it back on the shelf.  “But that’s not the point.”

“Maybe you have to be more straightforward, you know,” Jonathan butted in as he sat up, “guys are dumb.”

“Yeah!” Neil agreed a little too easily.

“Just say something about how a massive VHS collection turns you on,” Lucien suggested, and you glared at him.

“Jesus!” you protested, but Neil tried to soothe you a bit.

"C'mon, kid, can't you just… flirt a little?  Get our sales up?"

He'd started calling you kid since you two watched Casablanca together— which was especially stupid as you were both twelve at the time.  At first you complained because he shouldn't be calling you kid with you both being kids; then you complained because neither of you were kids; and then you gave up.  You still punched Lucien for trying to call you that once… you only barely let Neil get away with it anyways.

But you let Neil get away with a lot.  It was a side effect of being secretly, but massively, in love with him.

It had been an issue since middle school— that was when the two of you became such good friends.  Technically, you’d known each other since first grade (where you had shared your crayons, a true test of friendship at the time), and you’d sort of had a crush on him as early as elementary school (mainly because he was the only boy you could stand at the time), but it all kicked into high gear in seventh grade.  That was when you became inseparable, when you got in trouble together, when you stayed up all night watching movies, when you went through all of life’s ups and downs together: you even went to prom together, platonically of course.  

As for your feelings, you’d managed to hide them this long and still be his best friend, even when it sometimes felt like letting him stomp all over your heart without even trying.  Honestly, the only thing harder than being in love with Neil was trying not to be in love with Neil: you adored his sense of humor, his generosity, his sensitivity— and he’d been there for you through the things you couldn’t have imagined surviving alone.  That kinda stuff bonds you to somebody… and when that somebody has the most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen, it’s hard not to fall in love.

“Maybe I would flirt if I knew how,” you offered.  “But I’m not exactly, you know, flirty.”

“How hard could it be?” Jonathan interjected.  “Just, you know—”

You stared in quiet disbelief as Jonathan attempted to push his chest together with his arms.  It wasn’t quite working, of course, and the rest of you watched on as he fumbled around trying to force some cleavage.  “You look like an idiot,” you finally informed him after letting him do it for a minute.

“But is he wrong?” Lucien wondered.

“So, what, you guys really think that if I just went up to customers and—” you pushed your breasts together with your arms, accentuating them significantly in your tank top.

“That would work,” all three men asserted in unison before you could even finish.

“I fucking hate you guys,” you grumbled under your breath as you walked to the back, deciding to take your break in Neil’s office until these guys got their act together.

You never stayed gone for long, though— as idiotic as they could be, your friends were certainly charming.  They won you back with a promise to let you pick what tape to put on, and the four of you ended up laying on the couches watching Roman Holiday.  

When the movie was almost over, you rested your head on Neil’s shoulder; you guys did stuff like that, it was normal for you, but it always made your heart skip anyways.

~

This time, you were all hanging out at Jonathan’s primary workplace: the club.  In fact, it was a much larger crowd than just you and the guys— plenty of your local friends and loyal supporters of Gumshoe Video, all sitting around a big table while someone’s mediocre cover band took the stage.

"So, uh, me and Denise broke up," Neil said suddenly, going back in for another swig of beer right after.

The others offered their mild shock and half-hearted condolences, but you knew it was going to happen— he'd told you before he did it.  You tried to tell him that paying off a waiter to spill water on her was a weird way to prove what he already knew, but you couldn't disagree with his conclusion.  She was definitely difficult, and shockingly judgemental for someone who managed to date a video store owner for this long.

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine,” he promised, “I don’t think anybody’s too surprised, right?”

There was an awkward hesitation among the group as they wondered if they should lie, or just fess up now that he was obviously accurate.  You broke the silence to suggest someone go get another round of drinks for the table, and even though that was pretty much a one-man job, nearly everyone agreed and quickly shuffled off— leaving just you, Neil, and Lucien.

“I guess tonight’s your chance to meet somebody new, don’t you think?” Lucien suggested.  “Get over Denise, you know.”

“I think I’m already over Denise,” Neil decided.

“And if I told you that girl back there,” Lucien returned, pointing with the hand still holding his drink, “has been looking over here at you for the past ten minutes?”

You glanced where Lucien was pointing as well, seeing a girl in a denim mini skirt and massive hoop earrings settle her eyes on Neil before looking away quickly with a lip-gloss lacquered smile.

“I think I need some help getting over Denise,” Neil agreed suddenly, patting Lucien on the back before he left the table.  

You wanted to pout, but you were used to this— he was good-looking, he got a lot of attention from women in places like this… it usually didn’t work out for him, though.  Certainly not never, probably more often than most guys, but… definitely not every time.

You tried not to look over too much, you didn’t want to get caught spying or, even worse, looking a little jealous— but you noticed that every time you looked over at them, Neil was talking.  That was his problem, see: he never fucking shuts up.  Guys, girls, anybody who will listen— if you admit to not knowing about his favorite fifty-year-old spaghetti western or the most recent pre-Code horror comedy he watched, he’ll gladly blab to you about it for ages.  The first time you glanced at them, you saw her giving him doe eyes, laughing at something he said— and the last time, those eyes had glazed over and her laugh seemed more nervous and confused; you smirked to yourself.  He’s still Neil…

“So, um,” you struck up a conversation with Lucien, “what about you?  Anybody here catching your eye?”

“That’s actually the perfect descriptor of my type,” he replied.  “Anybody.”

You snorted.  “Then you should go, you know, talk to anybody?”

He shrugged and frowned a bit, and it was a simple movement but you understood completely.

The band started to play a new song, something upbeat and energetic, and you smiled.  “Wanna dance with me?”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m drunk enough for that—” Lucien began to protest, but a minute later you were dragging him up by the stage.  Neither of you were actually any good at dancing, mainly you were just kind of jumping and flailing around together, but it was fun and that was the point.

Eventually, more of your friends wandered in to join you; when the song ended, everyone clapped and cheered, the band bowing in gratitude.  You only stole one more look over at Neil and his conversation partner, watching her interrupt his rant with a hand on his shoulder: your throat felt a little dry.  You just hoped what she was saying was more like hey, my friends are leaving, I’ve gotta go and not hey, wanna come over to my place so you can keep explaining German expressionism to me?

Your heart dropped when he reached for her— what if he kissed her now?  What if he wrapped her up under his arm and they walked out together?  What if you had to spend the whole night thinking about him having sex with her?

“Hey, we should ask them if they know any Strokes songs!” Lucien suggested, tugging on your arm to get your attention, but your mind was elsewhere.

“Uh huh, yeah,” you mumbled blankly, and he frowned at you.

“What’s going on?” he asked, trying to look for what you were seeing; but Neil wasn’t reaching for her, he was lifting his hand to wave goodbye as she left.  You beamed, even though you did feel a little bad when you saw Neil’s shoulders sink— it’s not that you wanted him to be alone forever, you were just relieved that you might have a few more moments to breathe before he got with somebody again.

“Nothing, sorry,” you answered Lucien, giving him your attention again.  “What’d you say?”

“We should ask the band if they��”

And immediately, Lucien lost your focus as you couldn’t stop yourself from looking at Neil again— he was already looking at you, seeing you all on the dancefloor.  You waved for him to join you, and he smiled as he made his way towards the stage.  A new song began, even louder than the last, and you could blame that for not hearing Lucien’s question for the second time in a row.

Although he danced with you all for a few moments, Neil draped his arms over your and Lucien’s shoulders, nearly yelling to be heard over the music.

“You guys are coming over tonight for a movie, right?” he presumed.  “Jonathan’s working ‘til late so he’s out, but—”

“Sorry, I’ve gotta be up early,” Lucien explained, “my brother and his wife are visiting, remember?  We’re getting brunch and—”

“Whatever, party pooper,” Neil frowned, before suddenly smiling at you.  “Guess it’s just me and you, huh, kid?”

You tried not to sigh too noticeably through your smile.  “Yeah, me and you…” you agreed.

~

As you groggily blinked your eyes open, you found Neil staring at you, his face uncomfortably close to yours, with a big smile.  “Mornin’, kid,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

You yelped and nearly jumped out of your skin while he laughed.  “Jesus Christ, Neil!” you shouted, kicking off the blanket on you— and then you began to process where you were and why.  “God,” you groaned as you held your head in your hands, while Neil kept laughing at you, “did I fall asleep on the couch again?”

It was sort of a rhetorical question— obviously you had, it would be much stranger if you woke up on the video store couch without having fallen asleep there.  “Yeah,” he said, standing up and sighing a bit, “but you didn’t miss that much of the movie.”

“What happened at the end?” you asked, stretching your legs and snatching the blanket off the floor to fold up; Neil must have put it on you after you dozed off.

“No, we can finish it later,” he decided, walking up to the register, and you groaned.

“Seriously?  Not even falling asleep gets me out of finishing The Man Who Laughs?”

He smiled a little as he started prepping the store for open.  “Nope,” he said proudly, popping his lips on the p sound.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it,” you assured, getting up and trying to ignore the soreness in your back from sleeping on a ratty old sofa all night— you remembered helping Neil carry this thing from where he found it on the side of the road.  Considering you knew where it came from, it was a wonder you ever sat on it, let alone slept on it… but this happened relatively often.  Sometimes it almost felt like you slept easier here or at Neil’s apartment than your own. 

You stood up and stretched your arms, sparing a glance over at him.

“Can I run home and change?” you asked, and he frowned.  

“We open in ten minutes,” he noticed, “you won’t be back in time.”

“Yes, and who will serve the clamoring crowds that await our open outside?” you rolled your eyes, gesturing out the storefront to the abandoned sidewalk.  “You can handle it on your own.”

“Just go to my place,” he shrugged, “it’s closer.  And I think you left some jeans there anyway.”

Right— you’d borrowed a pair of his sweats to get comfy for a movie night, and forgot to take the jeans back when you left.  You yourself had one of Neil’s short-sleeve button-ups at your place, when you’d both changed there for a costume party, but you let him believe it was just lost… it was too late to tell him now that you had it, ‘cause then he might ask why you kept it so long and then he might, somehow, deduce that you had been cuddling it at night from time to time…

“Right, okay,” you nodded, “but I still need a shirt.”

“Just borrow one of mine,” he said, like it was no big deal at all and didn’t make your heart skip.

For a second you wondered if you should protest— if he was still dating Denise, you probably would’ve said something.  But you decided not to say anything, in case he changed his mind; you nearly bolted out of the store and down the two blocks to his apartment.

Your jeans were on the dresser, draped haphazardly in their same just-peeled-off shape you must have left them in last week.  You grumbled to yourself a little about how he could’ve folded them for you so they wouldn’t be wrinkled… but then again, all his jeans were wrinkled, so he clearly didn’t know any better.

And now the fun part: picking a shirt.  You smiled to yourself as you opened the drawer, perusing through t-shirts with old movie posters and semi-witty slogans… cute, sure, but those were pretty similar to what you already wore.  

But the button-downs?  Those were quintessential Neil, and you'd be wasting an opportunity if you didn't put one of those on.

You felt a little giddy as you opened the next drawer down and found them all folded.  The first one you saw had light blue and white stripes, so you snatched it up and slipped it on.

The fit was definitely off, but you let yourself indulge in a fantasy for a moment: waking up here, in Neil's bed… in Neil's arms.  You'd slip on his shirt while you went to find some breakfast, and he'd hum something about how pretty you look in his clothes, and you'd end up tangled in the sheets again not too much later.  

Sighing to yourself, you buttoned the last button, leaving the two at the top undone so you didn't look too formal, and headed back to the store for opening.

Neil stared at you for a second when you walked in— at the shirt, specifically.  You waited for him to say something, but he didn't.  "What, should I not wear this one?" you asked, looking down at it as well, and he shook his head.

"No, no, it's fine— sorry," he mumbled, "just start sorting out last night's returns, please."

You definitely got a much stronger reaction from Jonathan, as soon as he walked in the door.

(Why was he here when he wasn't even working today?  Who knows— he was just always here somehow.)

“Hey!  You look even more like a lesbian than usual,” Jonathan greeted with a peppy fake-smile as he approached you, and you smirked a bit.

“Don’t blame me, it’s his shirt,” you nodded towards Neil.

“See, I told you you dress like a— wait,” Jonathan stopped mid-insult, looking back at you, then at Neil again, then at you; he pointed his fingers at each of you, crossing them back and forth.  “Did… you two…?”

You narrowed your eyes, waiting for him to explain what he meant.

“Did you guys hook up?!” Jonathan accused, wide-eyed.

You felt your face getting warm, and you stammered out your denial; Neil started waving his hands in disagreement as well, but Jonathan was already on a roll.

“Oh my god!” he yelped.  “The one time I miss movie night here and it gets freaky!  Should’ve known better than to leave you two lovebirds alone—”

“Jonathan, we didn’t—” you choked.

“It’s not— it wasn’t—” Neil butted in.  “She just borrowed my shirt!  ‘Cause she— because—”

“I mean, we’ve kinda all been waiting for this to happen— but I never really thought it would,” Jonathan steamrolled along.  “Well, yeah, I guess I thought it would, I just—”

“Wait wait wait, what?” Neil shook his head, stepping up closer to the two of you.  “What does that mean?”

Finally, he seemed to get Jonathan’s attention, who began to nervously backtrack as both of you stared at him.  “W-well, I just mean—” he started.

“And who’s ‘we all’?” Neil noticed.  “This isn’t just you, thinking this?”

“I… I mean,” Jonathan scoffed, “you know— just, just some people… we thought that maybe… that since you two are so close, that you might—”

“Wow,” Neil chuckled, crossing his arms in disappointment.  “You know, that’s so reductive.  For a bunch of progressive, free-thinking hipsters—” he waved his hands as he said it in a mocking way— “you’re really just, like… like… you know, not!  ‘Cause apparently men and women can’t really be friends?”

“No, come on, not like that,” Jonathan denied, “of course we can—”

“I mean, you’re her friend, you’re both single,” Neil noticed, gesturing between the two of you, “why don’t you two, just, you know… hook up!”

You cringed a little as Jonathan tugged at his collar nervously.  “Well, I—”

“Come on, why not?” Neil went on, smiling at the suggestion even though he was clearly unamused.  “I mean, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she’s got a vagina— why don’t you hit on her?”

“Hey, come on, Neil,” Jonathan sighed, “I’m well aware she’s got a vagina—”

“So what’s the problem?” Neil insisted.  “Clearly you can’t just be friends with someone with a vagina—”

“I would really prefer if we didn’t talk about my vagina anymore,” you mumbled nervously.

“— how come you never hit on her, Jonny?” Neil pressed, backing him into a corner metaphorically— but also somewhat literally, he was leaning in and Jonathan was pressing his back more and more against the shelves.

“You really want me to answer that?” Jonathan replied, almost threatening.  That made you furrow your brow a bit.  It seemed like a rhetorical question, Neil trying to prove a point, but you didn’t expect Jonathan to have a literal answer.

“Yeah, sure,” Neil decided, “enlighten us.”

Neil glanced at you, like you were just as gung-ho about this interrogation, but you were feeling a little sick.  You understood the spirit of Neil’s argument— and technically, you agreed with him— but it still stung to see him so incensed at the suggestion of you two together.  You were trying not to take it personally, it wasn’t like he was disgusted by you or anything… he even said just now that you were pretty, and he’d told you that before, but… it still bothered you a little, for reasons you couldn’t quite describe and that you were sure were illogical.

“I never hit on her,” Jonathan answered, lowering his voice, “because I… I figured it would piss you off.”

That seemed to surprise you both, maybe for different reasons; you bit your lip to suppress a smile.  Did Jonathan really think Neil was that protective over you?  “Why would it piss me off?” Neil wondered, but he sounded a little defensive— defensive in a caught-red-handed sort of way.

“I… I don’t know,” Jonathan shrugged.  “That’s just the vibe I got, okay?  That she’s sorta… off-limits.”

Neil hesitated.  “Well… she’s not,” he decided.  “You’re grown-ups.  Whatever you wanna do is none of my business— as long as you’re not being, you know, creepy or an asshole.”

“Of course,” Jonathan agreed, most of the tension settling as Neil backed up a step.

“Okay, well, ask her out then,” Neil instructed firmly.

“I didn’t say I wanted to!” Jonathan sputtered.

“Neil, Jesus!” you complained simultaneously, and he seemed to relent, shrugging as he walked back to the register.

“Sorry, sorry,” he dismissed, “just letting you know it’s… fine with me!”

You rolled your eyes a bit and looked back at Jonathan.  “Sorry,” you offered him quietly, “he’s… I don’t know.  He gets weird about that.”

“Oh really?” Jonathan scoffed sarcastically.  “Didn’t notice.”

“The real reason you shouldn’t be hitting on me is because we’re coworkers, by the way,” you reminded him.

“Hey, I only work here part-time,” Jonathan noticed, “so I think that means it’s cool as long as we only go out part-time.”

You snorted, but he seemed to get nervous.

“You know I’m kidding, right?” he added quickly, and you nodded with a laugh.

~

"You know, I was thinking— we don't have many events at the store these days,” Neil mumbled around a bite of pretzel, watching you play your turn at Skee Ball.  Normally he would put coins in the machine beside yours and try to beat your score, but the other machine was out of order and you decided to take a relay race approach.  “What if we did, like, I don’t know… maybe a double feature for a couple bucks?”

“Neil, we show movies every night,” you sighed, “and we invite everybody, and ninety-nine percent of the time it’s just some combination of me, you, Jonathan, and Lucien.”

“Yeah, but this time we could do movies that more people like— a little easier to watch,” he suggested, “something that would get new people in the store.”

“New people don’t wanna sit on a musty old couch with strangers,” you reminded him, and he nodded as he chewed and swallowed his next bite.

“You’re right,” he agreed, holding the pretzel out towards you.  “Wanna bite?”

You were trying to get through your skee balls pretty quick, so you just leaned your head over and chomped down on the end of one of the twists while he held it for you.  You hummed in appreciation— it was pretty good, fresher than the last one you guys got here.

Visits to the arcade used to be your thing, back in high school (aside from watching movies, but that was a given).  Then you slowed down with the trips, feeling a little old and out of place surrounded by kids— but the problem was, this place wasn’t filled with kids anymore.  It hadn’t changed much at all since you were both in high school, and that was exactly the issue: it was old, run-down, a bit grimey… kids weren’t coming to arcades anymore anyways, they were all on the Internet apparently.  So, while you and Neil sort of appreciated having the place to yourself, it also broke your heart knowing your old haunt couldn’t hold itself together forever… you two visited not just to recapture some old childhood joys, but to try to do your part to keep the business afloat.  

You pretended to like being here— because you really did want to support the place, and Neil wanted to keep coming back— but it actually made you pretty fucking sad.  Surrounded by all the neon, the noisy pinball machines, the Dig Dug machine that had a fifty-fifty chance of stealing your quarters, the photobooth (you still had some strips from that thing pinned to your wall, some so old that they’d faded from the sunlight that came in your window each day); it all felt sort of eerie now.  You would’ve never known all those years ago how little this place would change, even though you never expected it to— you would’ve never known how little anything would change.  Neil was still by your side, but still so far away… if you could talk to that fourteen-year-old girl now, you would warn her that no amount of time spent running around this place and playing Street Fighter was going to make Neil love her, or you.

But here you were anyways.  “Woo!” you cheered when your final score came through: 50,765.  “Beat that!”

Neil set the pretzel down on the bar-height table (on a pile of napkins, don’t worry, neither of you trusted those tables that much) and brushed the salt off his hands with a scoff.  “Oh please, I can beat that with my eyes closed,” he assured as you crossed your arms.

As he put his quarters in and stepped up to the game, you smiled wide.  “Alright, if you say so.”

You came up behind him and covered his eyes with your hands, making him jump and then laugh.  “What are you doing?”

“Just keeping you honest,” you giggled, holding on tight even when he tried to move his head around so that he could see.  

He did his best, usually struggling to even find where the balls were coming down more than rolling them decently— but after the first three went in the gutter without even scoring, you knew he didn’t stand a chance.  He did score a few times, but when the buzzer went off and he lifted your hands from his eyes, he laughed at the pitiful 1,150 on the board.

“Ohh, that’s too bad,” you winced, “guess you’re just full of it.”

Still holding your hands away from his face, he spun around and twirled under your arms like you were dancing for a moment; it ended with him face-to-face with you, swinging your hands back and forth a bit to force you to twist with him slightly.  “Wanna play Street Fighter next?” he suggested quickly.  “I know I can beat you at that.”

The giddy joy of the moment dropped and shattered; if you thought about it too much, you probably could’ve cried right then.  As pathetic, yet oddly aesthetically pleasing, as it would be to cry in an arcade, you swallowed down the emotion and smiled back at him.  “Yeah, okay,” you agreed.

~

You’d been a little antsy all day— Neil seemed to notice, asking a couple times if you were okay, but you just nodded and shrugged it off.  He had a sense for when you were lying; but that’s the thing, you weren’t lying, really.  You just weren’t sure what to say.  You weren’t sure if you should say anything.  And yet, you felt a little guilty not telling him everything that was going on with you— not just guilty, but plain weird.  Because you usually did tell him everything— except, you know, the thing— but you didn’t know if you should talk about this.  Not that you couldn’t— but should you?

So you were sort of gnawing on your lip most of the day, keeping yourself busy with tallying late fees behind the desk, trying to keep conversation light and meaningless: thankfully, in that regard, Jonathan and Lucien made it pretty easy.

“Okay: fuck, marry, kill,” Jonathan began, “Dracula, the Mummy, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

“Dude, I can’t answer that,” Lucien refused.

“Okay, then Neil, what would you do?” Jonathan changed his target.

“Um, well,” Neil pondered, “I think I’d have to kill Dracula— spare the world from that evil, you know— and I guess I’d marry the Mummy—”

“Freud would like to have a word,” Lucien butted in.

“And I’d fuck the Creature from the Black Lagoon,” he concluded, “out of morbid curiosity.”

You snorted, but didn’t look up from your clipboard.  “You come up with one that Lucien will do,” Jonathan challenged Neil.

“Alright, uhh, let’s see…” Neil stalled as he thought, looking up at the ceiling and stroking his chin dramatically.  “Fuck, marry, kill: Sarah Carter, Ripley, and Trinity from Matrix.”

“Okay, see, that’s a real challenge,” Lucien affirmed.  “If I marry Trinity, do I have to live in the post-apocalyptic wasteland or can she live here?”

“You’d have to live in the Matrix,” Jonathan announced, like it was obvious.

“Hm,” Lucien pondered, “do I know it’s a false reality?  Does she know?”

“She knows, you don’t,” Neil decided.

“Is she gonna tell me?  What if she has another guy on the side in the real world?”

“Okay, you’re overthinking this,” Jonathan groaned.

“And is this the Sarah Carter that’s already had John?  ‘Cause if not, I can’t kill her, or the human revolution stands no chance— but if she has him, I can’t marry her, ‘cause I’m not ready to be a stepfather—”

“You’re useless,” Jonathan informed him flatly.

“Well, it’s easy then,” you offered, still tallying fees on the printed table.  “You fuck Carter, marry Ripley and kill Trinity.”

“Yeah, I guess that works,” Lucien shrugged.

“If you’re so good at this game, you should play,” Jonathan decided.  You looked up from your work for once, finding Lucien looking excited at the idea and Neil looking a little nervous but intrigued.

“I’ve got one for you,” Lucien decided, looking concerningly smug.  “Fuck, marry, kill: the three of us.”

Jonathan let out a giddy ‘ooh’ and Neil raised his eyebrows.  “Oh— I don’t know— that’s too weird,” you shook your head, “it’s different, you’re real—”

“Wait, wait,” Neil interrupted, “now I wanna know.”

You froze for a second, wondering if you should double down on not participating, or if you should tell him the first thing that popped in your head: am I allowed to do all three to you?

Instead, you set the clipboard down and crossed your legs, and the men seemed to straighten up as they prepared for your answer.  “Alright,” you said, looking at them for a lingering moment before sighing.  “I think I’d fuck Jonathan, and then kill myself.”

“Yes,” Jonathan hissed, shaking his fist triumphantly.

“Dude, really?” Lucien snapped at him.  “That didn’t sound like a compliment to me.”

“Don’t care, I stopped listening after ‘fuck Jonathan’,” he replied.  “Alright, Neil, you’re gonna have to make good on that ‘she’s not off-limits’ promise you made to me—”

But Neil wasn’t listening to Jonathan, he was still looking at you.  “Wait— you wouldn’t marry me?” Neil interrupted, putting a hand on the desk and leaning in a bit closer— he looked half-amused and half-offended, and your heart skipped a beat.

“Um…” you started to wonder how to defend yourself from that.  What did he expect you to say?  Yes, I’d marry you, I’ve actually been planning our wedding since junior year.

“Hold on,” Lucien stopped you, “if she fucks you and marries you, that means I’m getting killed!”

“Yeah, so?” Jonathan smirked.

“What, you don’t think I’m marriage material?” Neil laughed… but he didn’t seem like he was really joking, per se.  He didn’t seem serious either, of course, but you decided to take his question seriously since he’d dared to ask it twice.

“Well,” you mumbled, “no.  I don’t.”

Then he seemed a bit more serious, adjusting his posture a bit.  “Why not?”

“I mean… you’re my best friend,” you reminded him, “but… you’re not reliable.”

He nodded, pursing his lips together.

“You’re not ready for marriage,” you continued.  “I mean, I think you’re just as sure of that as I am.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“And honestly?  You’re a great friend and all, but… if you were my husband, I don’t think I could really… you know, trust you…”

The silence seemed a little heavy— all the men were sort of frozen for a second, you wondered if you should wave your arm around to make sure time hadn’t stopped.  But they did move, Neil first in fact, as he stopped leaning on the counter and nodded a little.

“I’m just surprised that you didn’t fuck Dracula,” Jonathan said to Neil in an attempt to cut the tension, “considering your massive man-crush on Bela Lugosi.”

“Hey, that reminds me, tonight’s movie is Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla,” Neil announced, apparently shaking off whatever odd energy he’d picked up just before, “you in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jonathan nodded, “should I bring drinks?”

“Uhh, yeah, why not?” Neil agreed. 

“Is a six-pack enough?”

"Uh, maybe…” Neil considered, turning over his shoulder to look at you.  “Kid, how many beers are you gonna want?”

You swallowed nervously.  “Um, I… well, I’m not coming.  I’ve got a date, actually.”

Of course it was just assumed that you would be there; you felt a little guilty admitting you wouldn’t, to the point that you almost considered just skipping said date and staying to avoid the awkwardness.

“Hey, great!” Jonathan said proudly, throwing his arms out wide.

“A date, huh?” Neil noticed, looking happily surprised.  “Sorry, I— I didn’t know— you didn’t say anything—”

“No, it’s cool,” you shook your head, “it’s kind of a last minute thing… you know how they’re showing Rope at the Palace tonight?  I met this, um, this guy the other day and we got to talking, and I asked him if he’d wanna come with me.”

“Rope, wow, that’s a great first date movie,” Neil nodded approvingly, “that sounds perfect.”

“Yeah— he hasn’t seen it, actually,” you admitted, smiling nervously, “so I guess how much he likes it will kinda be a good judge of if he’s worth going out again, right?”

Jonathan nodded approvingly, but Neil seemed skeptical.  "Well, the showing isn't until nine— you can at least hang out until the movie starts, right?"

"I've gotta get home and get changed!" you explained 

"You can't wear that to a date?" Julien wondered.

"No!" you scoffed, looking down at your ripped jeans and Dracula t-shirt.  "Besides, I have this whole plan of what I'm gonna wear— remember when we did Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween?"

Neil was Bonnie and you were Clyde, in fact; he looked shockingly good in that blood-red lipstick, you tried to convince him to wear it again but he insisted it was a one-night-only situation.  

"I figure if I wear my Clyde suit, I'll look kinda like James Stewart!"

"You're doing drag on a first date?" Lucien pressed, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, lighten up, I'm just dressing up for the movie— I'll still, you know, try to look pretty," you assured.  "What, I don't look good in a suit?  'Cause I got a lot of compliments on Halloween—"

"No, hey, go for it," Jonathan decided, "it's festive!"

"I think it's cool," Neil agreed.  "Have fun, alright?  And if he creeps you out or something, call the store number and I'll come get you."

"I'm not really worried about—"

"You know? Just call the store when you get home," Neil decided, "so I'll know you didn't get murdered."

"Dude, chill," you groaned.  "We're going to the movies, not, I don't know… hiking off-trail in the middle of the night."

You never agreed to call, but you did him one better: you ended up coming back to the video store afterwards, a bit over two hours later.  Of course, the guys were still on the couch— apparently the movie was over but they were watching anime (undoubtedly something Jonathan had brought as a palate cleanser after the movie).

They all looked over at you when you came in the front door and the little bell rang; they seemed excited to see you, and presumably to interrogate you about the date.  You sighed, knowing you couldn't have expected anything else, but you'd come here hoping they'd let you watch something with them so you could stop thinking about the date.

“How’d it go, hot stuff?” Jonathan purred, and you rolled your eyes as Lucien wolf-whistled.

“Oh yeah, it was awesome, best first date ever— I’m at his place having sex with him right now,” you frowned as you tossed your purse down onto the couch, and Lucien chuckled while Neil looked a little defeated.  

“Not that great, huh?” Neil noticed.

“Was he a creep?” Jonathan assumed.

“Did he think the movie was bad?” Lucien pressed.

“No, no, he was great,” you sighed, “he loved the movie.  We talked about it for a bit afterwards and he seemed to really understand it.”

“Okay!  That’s good, right?” Jonathan said optimistically.

“Yeah— so good that I asked him when we could do this again,” you recalled, “and he said that he didn’t wanna lead me on and he wasn’t interested in seeing me.”

“What?!” Jonathan yelped, while Neil winced a little.

“He said I was really cool and funny and easy to talk to,” you explained, “but that he didn’t feel any chemistry.”

“Chemistry?” Lucien repeated, confused.

“He means he’s not attracted to me,” you clarified.

“What?” Jonathan scoffed again.  “Why not?”

“I don’t know!” you whined, but you did know.  “I think I’m just, like, friend material.  I’m just ‘one of the guys’, you know?  Not somebody you actually wanna be with.”

“But isn’t that what every guy wants?  To date somebody who’s just ‘one of the guys’?” Lucien noticed, and then paused when everyone gave him an inquisitive look. “That sounded way less gay in my head.  You get what I mean, right?”

“As much as I would love to never let you live that down,” Jonathan smirked, “you’re not wrong— like, a chick who can hang.  That’s the best.”

“Well, here I am!  Hanging!” you snapped.  “Where’s my harem of suitors just desperate to date one of the guys?!”

“I mean, you are wearing a suit…” Neil noticed, getting a little defensive when you groaned and dropped your head back.  “No, no, you look cool!  I mean, you look really great.  I’m not sure what he wasn’t seeing.”

"Maybe he's got a girlfriend!" Jonathan suggested.  "And he was gonna cheat but he chickened out."

"Maybe he's intimidated by strong women," Lucien added, sounding more like he was quoting a Cosmo than actually thinking that.

"Respectfully, guys aren't that complicated," you assured.  "If he wanted me, he would.  He doesn't.  It's not that deep."

Neil looked away when you said that.

"Well, come take a seat on the losers couch," Jonathan offered, but Neil sitting next to him frowned.

"You think I'm a loser?" Neil protested.

"No, I was talking about that couch," Jonathan said as he pointed to the other one which Lucien was on.

"I'm not even offended," Lucien decided, patting the spot next to him.  "I'd rather be a loser with you than a winner with anybody else."

You smiled and plopped down next to him, pulling your legs up on the old sofa and finding the best angle to see the TV from.  "Okay, catch me up," you requested, bracing for the barrage of borderline nonsensical exposition about whatever obscure anime Jonathan was forcing on the group this time.

~

Since the store closed at eight on Tuesdays, you and Neil decided to go out for a late dinner after locking up— the nearest place you usually walked to was a little hole-in-the-wall dishing out Thai fusion, and even though there were open tables inside, you took your paper boxes outside to eat together on a bench.

You each sat up on it with your legs crossed, facing each other, while he poked at his fried rice with his fork and you stirred your noodles with the chopsticks.

“The Palace is still doing their Hitchcock screenings on Sundays,” you recalled, “I think the next one is Rear Window.  We could make Lucien man the store and go see it together?”

“Yeah, let’s do it,” he smiled.  “But we gotta sneak in the candy, that place is getting so overpriced…”

“Well, that’s a given,” you laughed.  “When I went on my date there I had Sour Patch Kids in my bag, but I was kinda craving Reese’s by the time the movie started.

"That guy sounded like an ass, by the way," Neil announced with a frown.

"Oh, no, it's fine," you dismissed.  "He was really nice, even when he blew me off, and I… I guess I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere, anyways.”

“Really?” Neil scoffed.  “Then why’d you ask him out?”

Just in case.  “I… I guess I’m trying to put myself out there more?”

“Huh?  You’re trying to put out more?” Neil joked.

You rolled your eyes and unfolded your legs to kick him playfully.  “You know what I mean,” you groaned.

“Yeah, yeah,” he admitted, “and I support it.  It’s sort of insane that you’re still single.”

“Wow, thanks for the pep talk,” you rolled your eyes before shoving a thick swirl of spicy-sweet noodles in your mouth.

“No!  I mean, like, I can’t believe you’re single,” he clarified, and you smiled somewhat awkwardly while chewing your mouthful.  “You’re smart and fun and cool and pretty—”

Thanks to the food in your mouth, you didn’t have to worry about coming up with a way to respond to that, so you just shrugged.

“Seriously!” he insisted.  “I mean, guys hit on you at the store— I wish somebody who actually deserved your attention would walk in that place.”

The guy I want is already there every day.  Swallowing, you finally got a chance to talk to him again.  “Thanks,” you sighed, “it’s fine, though.  I mean, I’ve been single this long— I think I’ll survive.”

“Keep waiting for the right one, okay?” he encouraged, and your heart swelled.

“I will,” you promised, sounding more wistful than you meant to.

After a brief lull in the conversation, he cleared his throat and continued.  “Hey, um, while we’re on the topic of Sunday, about the whole fuck-marry-kill thing—”

“I’m sorry,” you offered right away, “I shouldn’t have answered that.  I wasn’t being serious, obviously.”

“No, I wanted to apologize,” he returned, “I shouldn’t have pressed you on your answer.  It was funny.  And it wasn’t like you could say you were gonna kill one of us.”

You snorted.  “Yeah, that one was probably the worst of the three.”

“But I shouldn’t have asked you about what you would’ve done to me,” he shook his head, “I was making it weird.  So, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you assured.  “Did you really expect me to say I would marry you?”

“No,” he admitted, “I thought you’d say you’d fuck me, marry Lucien and kill Jonathan.”

“What?” you scoffed, though you were still smiling.  “Why?”

“Well, Lucien would definitely make the best husband of the three of us,” he explained, “and Jonathan was the only one who wouldn’t have gotten butthurt about you saying you’d kill him.  He probably would’ve just asked you to give him a nice send-off, y’know…”

You nodded in agreement, wondering if he was going to address the obviously missing third piece of all this… he sure was staring down into his empty fried rice container with intense focus…

“And, you know, as for me,” he began sort of thinly, “I, um… I guess I just figured, you know, you’re the most comfortable with me.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, “obviously, but maybe that would make it worse?  Like, at least with Jonathan, I know that if we ever did hook up or something, it probably wouldn’t mess up our friendship.  ‘Cause we’re friendly and all, but it’s not so serious.  But with you…”

“Uh huh, well, that’s why it’s good it’s just a game,” Neil finished for you, chucking his trash in the nearest can.  “Don’t have to worry about any of that stuff.  Least of all you and I being married.  Talk about a disaster.”

You choked on your throat.  “Yeah.  No kidding…”

“Well, anyways,” he sighed, standing up from the bench and stretching for a moment, “wanna come over and see if the game’s still on?”

“Oh, um, I’m just gonna go back to my place,” you decided, throwing away the last couple bites of your food on account of your suddenly-lost appetite.  “Kinda thinking I should get my sleep schedule in order.”

“That’s good,” he nodded, “I respect that.  Have a good night, then, kid.”

“Yeah, you too,” you breathed, waving as he turned and walked off into the night, tucking his hands into his jean pockets.  

You looked down at your lap, taking a deep breath and shutting your eyes for a second.  Did he have to be so sweet just to cut you down like that?  Could he have even known how it would hurt you to say that?

It’s not even like he was wrong, but you were dying to ask him why he was so sure that you and him together would be so bad.  What was wrong with you that he still couldn’t see you that way?

Not interested in this repetitive thought cycle anymore, and being very familiar with where it leads, you got up and started to walk down the street.  You didn’t turn to go to your apartment, though; you kept going until you heard live music— scratchy, whiny guitars and throbbing bass drums— seeping out of the club.  You just needed to be somewhere familiar that wasn’t the video store or home; and, this place conveniently also had liquor.

You slipped inside— hit by a wave of sound as you entered— and took a seat at the bar, half-listening to the band that was playing, pretending to be focused at all on what was going on in the outside world rather than just spiraling into your own thoughts inside your head.

“Hey,” Jonathan nodded at you from the other side of the bar, and you nodded back.  He instantly started looking for Neil— of course he would— and you deflated a bit.  “You here alone?” he noticed.

“Yeah,” you shrugged.

“Wow,” he smirked, “it’s like when Peter Pan’s shadow escaped.”

You should’ve probably been offended by that, but it wasn’t worth denying— and you were more interested in getting liquored up than justifying that you did, in fact, have a life outside of Neil.

And, actually, Peter Pan was a pretty good way to describe Neil, too.  Fear of commitment, leader of freaks and outcasts, daydreamer… all he needed was some green tights.  “What are you drinking tonight?” Jonathan finally asked.

“What pairs well with feeling completely unattractive and unlovable?” you sighed.

“Well, that would be my drink of choice: whiskey,” he smiled, setting a bottle down in front of you.  “I’ll do a shot with you.”

He poured you both a shot, and you timed it to shoot it back together; he, obviously, took it better with you, and you cringed from the acidic flavor.  "Jesus, people really drink this on purpose?" you grumbled.

"Yeah, give it a few minutes," he assured, "it's gonna numb all those stupid emotions."

"I don't have a few minutes," you sighed, "do you have anything more fast-acting?"

"Yeah— a second shot," he joked, but you nodded in agreement.  "Okay, shit, you're not messing around tonight."

"Nope," you agreed, watching him pour just one shot this time.  "You're not doing it with me?"

"I need to pace myself, I'm here 'til two," he explained.

He slid it to you and you contemplated it for a moment, before forcing yourself to get it down as quickly as possible to avoid the burn.  You still grimaced, but recovered quickly.

"Is it working yet?" he wondered.

"I guess," you answered half-heartedly.

“Well, you could always gush to the bartender about all your problems?” he offered, but you just shrugged it off.  “Come on, you wouldn’t be the first tonight.  And since I know you, I might actually be able to help.”

“I don’t think you can help with this one,” you assured.  “This problem has been going on longer than you’ve ever been around.”

“Oh?” he pressed.  “Let me guess… boy troubles?”

“Isn’t it always?” you scoffed, irritated that he saw through you that quickly— apparently your reputation of being horrible with men preceded you.

“But this is just one boy,” he presumed.  “One boy who… conspicuously isn’t here tonight…”

“Is it that obvious?” you wondered with a whine, dropping your head in your hand.

“Well, if you weren’t having any issues with him, you’d be with him,” Jonathan guessed— and it wasn’t bad logic.

“But, like, does everyone know?” you wondered.  “Does everyone but him know that I’m in love with him?  Oh god, Jonathan, you don’t think he knows, do you?”

“Wait— love?” he repeated, and you swallowed thickly as you realized the whiskey had already gotten you to say too much.  “You… you’re…”

“Okay, so I guess not everyone knows,” you mumbled.

“No, yeah, I think you managed to keep that under wraps,” he assured with a nod, eyes getting wider.  “Sheesh.  No, I had no clue.  Now it’s even weirder that you guys aren’t together.”

“Well, he doesn’t love me,” you explained flatly.

“Did he tell you that?”

“No, god no— I mean, he tells me he loves me,” you corrected, “but he doesn’t mean— we just say that, you know, like at the end of phone calls or when one of us is sad.  It’s not, like… we never meant it that way.”

“Right, okay,” Jonathan nodded as he wiped a glass— the way bartenders do when they’re listening to people— but he didn’t seem to understand entirely.  “So, you’re not his type?”

“I don’t think I know what his type is,” you scoffed.  “I haven’t really noticed a pattern, have you?”

“You’d have to have a few more data points to really draw any connection between them,” Jonathan laughed.

“Yeah, fair,” you smiled, “he’s only had… I don’t know, maybe four girlfriends since I’ve known him?  One in high school, for a month— then Eva, they weren’t even really serious, just dating for a while.  And then, uh—”

“Tanisha,” he remembered.

“Right!  I liked her,” you hummed.

“What happened to her again?” he wondered.

“Got back with her ex,” you recalled.

“Wow, that blows,” Jonathan sighed.  

“She told me before she told him,” you admitted.  “She wanted me to tell him for her, actually, but I… I couldn’t do that to him.  But I came over right after, you know, and we ate ice cream from the tub and watched movies ‘til we fell asleep.”

Jonathan made a sort of face, one you couldn’t quite interpret, and you tilted your head as he seemed to mumble to himself.  

“What?” you wondered.

“Nothing, it’s just… he’s kind of an idiot,” Jonathan decided.  “I don’t think he gets how lucky he is.”

You wrinkled your brows together, laughing a bit.  “What do you mean?”

“Look, I’m not saying he’s, like, legally obligated to fall in love with you just because you guys get along so well,” he clarified, “even if that’s what Neil accused me of thinking— I really do think it’s fine for men and women to just be friends.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying… like, how do you have someone who cares about you that much, and you end up dating fucking Denise for almost a year?!”

“Well, nobody knows how he ended up with Denise,” you coughed.  “That was a fucking disaster.”

“I mean, not to be crass, but, uh,” he stumbled a little over his words, “I’m surprised that you coming over after that breakup didn’t turn into a rebound, at least.”

“After eating that much ice cream?” you laughed.  “That would’ve been awful.”

“But really, though,” he insisted.  “I have a hard time believing the thought didn’t even cross his mind…”

“I can’t really be sure that it didn’t,” you admitted, “I’m just saying, nothing happened.”

“I guess he’s just known you too long to go for it with you,” Jonathan shrugged.

“It’s not just that— you know Neil, he’s kind of an adrenaline junkie,” you rolled your eyes, “or at least he thinks he is.  He wants adventure, I guess— and he always talks about us doing spontaneous stuff but it never happens— and I’m just too familiar.  Too comfortable.”

“Yeah, he does kinda have something against stability,” Jonathan agreed, “do you think it’s a divorced parents thing?”

“I don’t know, I stopped analyzing that a long time ago,” you groaned, “and I told myself I would stop trying to be what I thought he wanted, but I think I keep doing it.”

“Well, I know you know him better than anybody,” Jonathan countered, “but I know guys, and that guy… there’s no way he thinks of you as just a friend.”

“Why do you think that?” 

“Because he was fucking lying when he said it wouldn’t piss him off if we hooked up,” he insisted.

“You really won’t let that go, will you?” you grinned.

“Did you see his face?  He couldn’t get the image out of his head!” Jonathan assured confidently.  “And then that whole ‘fuck marry kill’ thing— he started getting nervous, I think.”

“Nervous about what?”

“That something could really happen with us!”

“You really think he would care?” you frowned.

“I swear to— to Ash Williams,” he decided, “that if I walked into that fucking video store, and told him that you and I did whiskey shots and you came back to my place and we did the horizontal tango, he would beat me to death with the register.”

“You swear on Ash Williams?” you repeated with a smirk, knowing that meant more than swearing on any deity would mean.

“Him and his chainsaw hand,” Jonathan assured, putting a hand over his heart to add to the bit, and you giggled.

“Well, I don’t think Neil can pick up the register,” you decided.

“In that case, you let me know the next time you wanna get back at him for something,” he offered with a wink, and you smiled at him sympathetically.

“I know you’re trying to be nice,” you sighed, “but you don’t have to do that.”

“Hey, come on,” he frowned, “I know you’ve got this I’m insecure I’m a weirdo nobody notices me thing, but you can’t actually think it would be some kind of charity work for me to sleep with you—”

“No, I don’t mean that,” you sighed, “I know I could get laid if I wanted to—”

“But you don’t wanna get laid,” he finished for you, “you wanna be loved.”

You sighed again, even harder.  “Yeah,” you nodded.

“I know,” he agreed.  “And you know I love you, but—”

“But not like that,” you took your turn finishing his sentence.

His only reply was raising the bottle of whiskey with a sideways smile, a silent offer to pour another shot— for both of you this time.

“Yes, please,” you hummed, watching him fill the miniature glasses with a sigh.

part 2

#neil lewis x reader #neil lewis smut #watching the detectives #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #you know... eventually #but you have to get to part two for that lol

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM LIFE IS STRANGE, SEASON 1 *  assorted dialogue, suggested by ismelodrama, adjust as necessary

everything is a picture waiting for be taken.

you're just jealous of me because i actually do the things you can't.

are you hiding something?

i'm sick of your disrespect. tell me the truth!

i don't want to fight with you anymore. i don't want to fight with anyone anymore.

i was eating those beans!

how the hell did you know about that photo?

always take the shot. my number one rule of photography.

you just don't listen, do you?

there's something weird going on with you.

you've only been here for three weeks and you're already causing conflict.

after this week, you are certainly not a little kid anymore.

not now. i'm contemplating shit.

are you fucking kidding me? this is major bullshit!

i didn't have all the evidence at the time.

we all make decisions we regret.

i'm not gonna make any excuses for my behavior.

i'd put stephen hawking against picasso any day.

it sucks to be dragged into the spotlight.

nobody believes me anyway.

you're exactly the kind of soldier i'd want by my side in a war.

why the hell not?

i almost asked you to hang out.

you should have asked me.

maybe we're too much alike.

i don't believe anything you say. you're full of shit.

eat a dick, [name].

i'll be in the tardis getting my delorean ready.

since you're the mysterious superhero... i'll be your faithful chauffeur and companion.

you don't know who the fuck i am or who you're messing around with.

where'd you get that? what are you doing? come on, put that thing down!

don't ever tell me what to do! i'm so sick of people trying to control me!

so you can't help me?

i told you before that i'll always believe you.

i may be a pest but... i'm a good listener.

you're the bravest person i've ever known.

for every action, there's a reaction.

i'm trying. but you have to understand my position.

i know i can be a pain in the ass... and you've always treated me like a person, not a beta nerd.

why do you want all your friends to die?

oh i see. i'm not important to you anymore.

nobody lectures me. everybody tries though.

do not analyze me! i pay people for that.

hey, that's total slander!

you don't know shit about my father, or me.

you're all fucked!

everybody hates me.

[name]... it's me. i just wanted to say i'm sorry.

i truly am sorry for being such a bastard.

you would have been cool to hang out with.

you might as well choose me.

i'm not perfect, okay?

you have talent, [name].

you don't have to push people out of your way.

thanks for admitting again that i have some talent.

do you think it's, like, fate we're not supposed to be friends?

nobody says we have to be friends.

everybody lies. no exceptions.

i came for all of you.

i'm in a nightmare and i can't wake up.

no wonder they call it a "web." nothing can ever get out.

i wish i could go back in time and erase everything.

just tell me you do have the photograph.

now shut up and listen.

i'm not a real scientist.

i was just happy just being your friend.

[name], i'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

i don't think i can concentrate on going out to the movies.

everybody pretends to care until they don't.

even angels need angels, [name].

i might be naive, but i feel their struggle.

why did you stop me from jumping?

this shit pit has taken everyone i've ever loved.

when a door closes, a window opens... or something like that.

i keep going back in time.

how could there be a more important moment in history?

thank you for trusting me.

hey... be careful out there.

what kind of friend are you?

you never understood me, or what happened to me.

i'll always be alone, thanks to you.

just in case we don't get out of this...

i'm going to make the right choices from now on.

i've been feeling like this might be actually the end of the world.

i hate to say that i'm glad to see you, but i'm glad to see you.

i wish i could stay in this moment forever... but then it wouldn't be a moment.

if that tornado came right now, i would just sit here and watch for a while.

i just feel like escaping.

i have total faith that you'll do the right thing when the time comes.

with great power comes great bullshit.

am i pushing myself too hard?

you like to hurt people, huh?

i'm glad you decided to escort me.

i know this is a bad time, but can i get one picture?

of course i believe you. you're the most amazing person i've ever met, and i'm glad you trust me.

i don't have a fucking clue what's going on.

#mcflymemes #life is strange #life is strange memes #rp prompt #rp meme #rp memes #roleplay memes #roleplay prompt #rp starters #ask meme #ask memes #roleplay meme #roleplay inbox prompts #rp inbox meme #inbox prompt #inbox meme #sentence starter prompt #sentence starter #sentence starters #thank you to ismelodrama for suggesting this!!!!!

[eternalbuckley]

We could have had it all. — rafe cameron

SUMMARY: Rafe and you used to hook up with each other until you broke it off. Now he wants to get your attention back.

word count: 1,854

genre: angst | gn!reader, queer!reader, bipoc!reader and plus-size!reader friendly

warnings: mention of sexual content (no smut), use of petname (baby), strong language, alcohol consumption, crying, emotional talk, use of Y/N one time, english is not my first language, slightly proofread — if i forgot something, please let me know!

a/n: I've been thinking about a long time to finally write for Rafe and here it finally is!! It's my first full fic in months but hopefully you can enjoy it!! Happy reading 🫶

disclaimer: please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work or post this anywhere without my consent. do not translate my work and post it anywhere — i give you no permission to do that. i only post my stories here, so if you find my work anywhere else please let me know! reblogs, likes and comments are appreciated and welcomed!

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Doing anything possible to distract yourself from reaching out to him got harder every passing day since things broke off between you. It‘s not like you were together or something. You couldn’t keep doing this 'we-are-people-who-like-each-other-and-occasionally-have-sex-with-each-other-but-are-not-in-a-relationship-or-friends' thing that you had going on with the infamous Rafe Cameron. It was draining you and your mental health. Sure, it was fun and good times with him. You would never lie but the thing that made this even more complicated were your feelings for him. You didn’t plan on falling for him but in the end, the heart wants what it wants. He made it hard for you to resist falling for him.

Rafe was not the perfect person to fall in love with. He never talked about feelings or showed them in public. But there were a very few small moments that showed him in his more vulnerable and caring side. There were moments when Rafe would snuggle up to you after having sex with you. His soft sighs made it more special for both of you. Rafe loved these moments. Including the moments where you two would just lay in bed without having sex. Just cuddling, him stroking your back and telling you about one of his more recent accomplishments he was proud of. Were he would crack jokes with you and tell you how comfortable he feels. He just would never admit that he loves these moments though. But you tried to hate these moments especially because the next day he would act like nothing of that ever happened. But you couldn’t.

If you two were in places with others he would barely look at you nor talk to you. Unless he was feeling horny and needed you. Rafe would find a good moment to catch up with you when nobody would pay attention and whisper things into your ear to get you worked up. ‘Ready to get out of here, baby? Can’t wait to leave you screaming underneath me.’ All until you would be whimpering and practically begging him to drag you into the next bathroom or any possible spot to hook up. Afterwards? You didn't exist to him. But you couldn’t keep doing this. Being treated like this was not what you wanted no matter how much you liked Rafe. It took you many tries to finally tell him you don’t want this anymore.

It was after one of your occasional meetings to sleep with each other. He was lying next to you in his bed, catching his breath and looking at the ceiling instead of you. After you caught your breath, you made the decision to end it.

“What are you doing?” Rafe eventually looked at you and watched you getting up to gather your scarred clothing.

You put on your underwear and looked at him while taking your shirt. “What does it look like, Rafe?” you put on your shirt, “I’m putting on my clothes.”

He was confused and sat up. The blanket slightly moved and exposed his stomach, “Why?”

“I’m leaving.”

Rafe nodded his head and leaned back against his bed. “When will we see each other the next time then?”

“This was the last time. There won’t be a next one. This thing here,” you pointed between you, “This is over.”

“Sure. As if you wouldn’t fold the next time when I whisper all those things I’d do with you. I know your body too well by now,” he chuckled which made you roll your eyes.

“Fuck you, Rafe.”

That was all you told him before you left and never came back. And it was the last time you had sex. Since then, it had been almost two months but it was still hard to ignore him whenever you saw him. Whenever you did, you immediately turned around and went the other way to get out of his way. It’s not like he would give you attention anyway. But little did you know that it drove him crazy that you ignored him. Especially tonight.

There was a party again and you looked absolutely breathtaking. All night he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. Most of the time Rafe completely ignored his friends talking and only had his eyes on you. He wanted and needed you but couldn’t have you. But seeing you talking and seemingly flirting with another guy made him go feral. Rafe’s jaw was tensed up and he was gritting his teeth. He was trying to control himself but seeing you happy with another guy and all giggly made him want to beat up that other guy. He knew you were tipsy and close to making out with that guy since your and his hands were all over each other already. But he wanted to be the one you were touching like that. He wanted to be one who makes you laugh and smile like that. He was desperate. For you.

Rafe took his last sip out of his alcohol-filled cup and threw it away. He made his way over to you and harshly shoved away that guy from you. He fell to the ground and let out a muffled ‘what the fuck man’.

“Take your hands off her, asshole,” Rafe spat down on that guy. Not caring at all that this drew all the attention of the party to the three of you. He was in a rage and jealous.

You stood behind Rafe and looked at his back. You were shocked by the sudden action from his side.

“What the fuck is your problem, man?!” The other guy stood up, not knowing what he was getting himself into. You wanted to stop him but you couldn’t move.

Rafe was fuming, “You’re my problem. Get the fuck away from here or you’ll meet my fist,” he raised his voice. Rafe’s nose was flared.

“What are they? Your partner or what?”

Suddenly you became very aware of the attention you all had on you. You looked around and saw a few people whispering while watching the scene that was going on in front of you. You slightly put your hand on Rafe’s arm which startled him for a second but you noticed that he eventually slightly relaxed to your touch.

“Rafe come on,” you insisted and tried pulling him away from the guy you were talking to and the attention of everyone else.

Rafe’s eyes were still locked on the guy while you were pulling him away. You ended up on a more private part of the beach. Once you made sure you were out of sight you angrily shoved Rafe.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” you shouted, “Why would you do that, Rafe?”

He looked at you, not exactly knowing how to explain why he did it. Simply because he had no good explanation at all. He just did it out of instinct as if he had to do it even though nothing was going on between you anymore.

“You had no right to do that!”

You were angry. Angry at him. It was the first time he truly saw you being angry with him and he wasn’t sure if he should have done it now. All he wanted was your attention.

“I… I’m..” he stuttered, “I’m not sure.” Rafe held his arms in front of you, trying to calm you down.

You scoffed and crossed your arms, “Sure. Why would the Rafe Cameron have an explanation for why he wants to control every single person around him even if they want to be left alone. Ever the guy who threatens everyone.”

Rafe sighed and closed his eyes while moving his palms over his eyes. You knew what it meant when he did it. He was shaking and overwhelmed by the sudden burst of feelings. He didn’t know what to do. He never cared about anyone that much until he met you. Everyone knew he wasn’t the guy for emotions but he felt calm and more happy around you. The moment he first realized what he truly felt about you he started pushing you away. Rafe was afraid of the feelings he held for you. He was never in love, nor did he know how it felt to be loved except by his little sister.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for what I did.”

“Don’t,” you shook your head. You didn’t want to believe him. You were tired of the games he played with you. “I know you aren’t, Rafe.”

“Listen to me, Y/N,” his voice cracked as he looked up at you. “I am sorry. I.. I know it’s wrong what I’m doing to others most of the time. I just lose control in m..moments like that and I don’t know what happens. Y..you know? I’m trying. I’m trying to be better...For you. I want to be with you,” his voice was trembling and tears were in his eyes. He covered them with his hands again.

You didn’t know what to say and just stared at him. The sudden talk about his feelings was overwhelming for you. You didn’t know he would be able to talk about his emotions at all. It was quiet between you for a moment.

You sighed and shook your head, “As much as I want to believe you, Rafe. I can’t. Not after the way you treated me.”

“I understand.”

Tears were building up in your eyes now. “No. I don’t think you do, Rafe! I felt miserable. You never dared to give me attention whenever we were in the same room unless you needed me for your needs,” you argued. “You just want me back because you don't have my attention anymore. You loved that I gave myself up to you whenever you wanted it, Rafe. But you never cared about me or what I wanted. I didn't exist to you until you needed someone to fuck. Even if you could have had anyone else… In the end, you always came to me because you knew I couldn't resist you. You used me. I was good enough for a quick fuck.”

“That’s not true. After all, you enjoyed our times together.”

“I never said I didn’t enjoy sleeping with you. I just didn’t enjoy the way you treated me every other time we weren’t sleeping with each other. I didn’t feel like a person around you and that’s why I ended this whole bullshit with you.”

Rafe gulped. You turned your body away from him and tried to hold back your tears even more. You didn’t want him to see you like that. This wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t want him to know how you truly felt. You clung on your cardigan and looked at the moon that was reflecting in the ocean.

Your voice was trembling now. "Just tell me that this was a fucking lie. That everything that happened between us was not real. That every word you said, every compliment, was a goddamn lie and you didn’t mean one single thing. Let’s just act like nothing ever happened and act like strangers again."

"I can’t," Rafe whispered which made you look at him.

#⚘; — my writing ✧♡ #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron angst #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron fic #rafe cameron fanfic #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron obx #rafe cameron imagine #rafe obx #rafe outer banks #rafe fic #rafe cameron x y/n #outer banks #outer banks angst #outer banks x reader #outer banks fanfiction #obx x reader #obx fanfiction #obx #outer banks imagine

[yxami]

Nut or not November day 4!!

description: yandere damsel x gn knight reader, no nsfw, sort of a continuation, more seriousness rather than fluff, happy no nut November day 4

A knight’s duties is to protect and serve, something you’ve heard time and time again, and it always came from the lips of people with power. An authority you could never achieve, not unless you marry into it, and even that seemed more unattainable.

But if someone were to ask you what’s the closest you’ve ever been to getting influence over others then you’d talk about your prince.

The prince that would give you just about anything, all your needs and wants were satisfied by him. If you were to just utter the words of something you’ve been looking at then he’d buy it, no questions asked.

As his knight, you were supposed to make sure he was safe, of course, with no payment other than the one you got from the king and queen, but he always insisted in treating you to something.

“Why can’t you come and dance?” He huffs, already getting flared up to start a small tantrum, he’d kill anyone who witnessed the whines and complaints he only intended you to hear so he could get what he wanted.

A prince begging for a knight’s attention? How embarrassing. But he could also care less if it meant he would get your eyes on him, the pair he finds more addicting than any of the riches he has obtained. He loves basking in any affection you’d give, to him it’s the most valuable thing he’s ever gotten.

“Well this is a dance for you to find someone to court, not one for us to dance together at” You smile bashfully, wondering if his question was a joke, he certainly didn’t mean that right?

You knew he was more affectionate than he should be with you, his personal knight, but was he really supposed to be this clingy?

“My parents always set these up, they know I won’t get with anyone” He waves his hand as if to dismiss their unneeded opinions and worries of him being married to someone.

They’re aware of his little hobby.. The one that has him doting over you and providing you with anything he believed you wanted, so they’ve been setting up more dances than usual.

“But don’t you think it’d be nice to meet someone?” You ran your eyes across the ballroom, hoping nobody was questioning why the prince was chatting with you rather than the royalty attending the ball for this special opportunity.

“Well, I already have my eyes on someone, anyways, can we just dance?” He huffs, holding onto your arm as he awaits your answer but won’t take no for an answer so you essentially had no choice.

“Alright..”

Yandere damsel that dances with hearts in his eyes, not one drop of shame either as he makes it clear he only has his love set out for you. Jealous stares are piercing your skin, coming from all ends of the room, the hair standing on your neck only extenuated how uncomfortable you were.

You wished he’d be more mindful of other peoples opinions but you sighed, knowing he wouldn’t.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” His adoring eyes turn into a wave of worry as he observes your expression, hoping he didn’t upset you somehow.

“No no, it’s just.. it’s nothing” You smile, trying to change the subject by bringing up the table covered in plates of food and how hungry you were.

“Tell me, you know I don’t like it when you keep things to yourself” His lips formed into a frown, insistent on knowing why you sighed, even if it was something minor. He pulls you away into a guest bedroom as to not let others snoop. “Was it because you didn’t want to dance? I’m sorry I should’ve listened” He whispers after closing the door, walking up to you after he does.

“It’s not that.. I just want you to pay attention to other people, not just me. Your parents pay a lot of money for the party, shouldn’t you at least try to have fun with others? You don’t want to miss your chance at getting a future partner do you?” You sit down on the guest bedroom’s bed, wondering which hallway the two of you were in after leaving the ball room.

“I have my eyes on you, don’t you get that?” He groans, in disbelief that you have yet to get that he’s infatuated with you. “I’ve been yearning for your attention ever since I first saw you. I didn’t need help with my sword skills or with my education, I just wanted to spend time with you. I’m not even scared of thunderstorms either” He rants on, explaining all the tactics he’d do for you to stay close by him even when it’s not required.

Making you his personal knight, having you stay in his bedroom the entire week when it stormed, or all the times he pretended to fall so you would carry him back to his room and act as like his personal doctor for the entire day.

You sat there in silence, contemplating all of what he’s done, you knew he was more dependent on you than a normal prince should be but was all of this really to keep you attentive?

You weren’t sure what to say or what to do, so you fiddled with the cold bedsheets under your hands until you could muster up the words to speak.

“What? Don’t just stare, you’re making me nervous” He anxiously laughs, coming up to you with his arms extended, wanting comfort even though your silence was causing his discomfort.

“I don’t know.. well, um..” You reciprocate the hug he initiated but still leave him in a state uneasiness, how can you make him feel so safe yet dangle his heart over spikes like nothing?

He’s so inlove that he’ll still forgive you even if you break him into a million pieces.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to accept it now, how about you respond to me when you’ve made your choice? When I finally make you fall in love with me then you can tell me” He smiled weakly, half heartedly believing in his plan as he hugs you tightly.

You nod, glad that he’s given you the chance to leave this whole situation unanswered.

“I’ll try my best okay? And when you do fall in love then you’ll have to accept my marriage proposal”

#yxami’s yam #yandere #yandere x you #yandere x y/n #male yandere #yandere imagines #yandere scenarios #pls request #gn reader #yandere damsel in distress #yandere damsel #yandere obsession #yandere prince #yandere prince oc #yandere x gn reader #yandere prince x knight #yandere x knight #yandere stuff #yandere male #yandere guy #yandere male oc

[ethereal-blossom]

izaya, dazai, and mori reacting to their s/o experiencing a major burnout to the point where they needed extensive medical attention due to their overall health plummeting due stress and fatigue. this is me rn ;-; im so overworked yet so underpaid lmfao thank you so much in advance! 💗

A/N: Hi, thank you so much for the long wait! I hope your situation has become better :( give my dear their rest and money🔪 I'm sorry Mori's part is a bit short compared to the others, but I hope you like it💖

Izaya:

Izaya loves all humans equally, but you're the exception as his favorite one and Shizuo being his least favorite.

With Izaya's special interest in human beings and his well-crafted observation skills, it didn't go unnoticed by him how you were becoming more tired and less happy step by step. The part of him that loved to observe humans was fascinated and wondered how far you could be pushed, but then again- you are his favorite.

Izaya only realizes you need extensive medical treatment after he returns from an underground job. If you haven't moved in with him already, Izaya will throw all his charm (or manipulation skills, really, who cares about the details?) into convincing you to stay at his place. Being an information broker and professional chaos lover has provided Izaya with enough money to spoil you rotten.

The question is whether he'll let you go back to work. And if you manage to convince him to let you go back to work, he's going to do a full background check on the company and its people.

Izaya has a hard time admitting this to you, himself, or anyone really, but seeing you become this fragile scared him. It's a feeling he immediately tries to shove away, but it only leads to him being more protective of you.

During your assigned recovery, you'll catch Izaya chuckling to himself. There are just so many fun possibilities to ruin your boss' life! Should he destroy it brick by brick? Or should he wreck it in one go? Whatever it is, it'll be cruel and twisted and fun. Your boss didn't think they could get away with treating his favorite little human like this, hm?

One thing is for certain: no matter how Izaya is going to destroy your boss' life, it'll be done through cyber damage. Izaya would rather not leave your side. He has been very cheery and confident around you, never giving you a sign of the fear he felt when he saw you turn into a burned-out version of yourself. But he has you tucked in bed and you just have to say it and he gives you anything you want. Izaya has Namie assist him in taking care of you, too.

Izaya does drop hints here and there about how he's going to be responsible for your boss' life taking a bad turn. If you try to confront him about this or prevent him from doing so, Izaya is going to ask you for a good explanation as to why not. It may even lead to a discussion, however, no reason will leave him satisfied. You've already gotten hurt, so the damage is already done and there's nothing the boss can do to make up for it except pay for it with his sins. Izaya can say he'll let it go, but you know he won't. If anything, he's more excited to start. Nobody messes with his favorite human except him.

Dazai:

Dazai puts great value in the one he gained but would never want to lose. It's one of the reasons he pays so much attention to you; he knows things about your behavior that even you are unaware of.

That's why Dazai is the first to observe how you're slowly burning out. He encourages you to copy his work ethic (lying on a couch and letting your partner do all the work), but he never convinces you no matter how much he tries to tug at your strings.

But when Dazai comes home from a mission he had to travel for and sees you so burned out to the point of needing extensive medical care, he was livid and scared. From the inside, that is. From the outside, he'd be calm and reassuring, even cheery once you feel better.

Dazai would insist that he stays home with you to become your personal nurse. He would cling onto you whenever you want to leave the bed, claiming you were on bed rest, which automatically meant he was on bed rest, too.

He'd take care of you in his own silly way. He makes you laugh, distracts you from the tiredness, buys you the biggest teddy bear you've seen in your life, and prevents you from doing anything.

Nonetheless, there's going to be a time you need to get back to work. Once you do, you notice something strange about your boss. It's like they are a whole new person. They offer you tea or coffee the minute you step in, push out a nervous chuckle that's supposed to sound friendly, and say you can take a break whenever you feel like you need one. It wouldn't take long for you to realize there was something off... and you could tell who was behind it.

When confronting Dazai though, expect him to be packed in denial. "Me?" He answers with doe eyes that scream innocence and surprise, which means he was definitely not innocent nor surprised. "Do I look like someone who would threaten your boss? I was taking care of you all that time!" Yes Dazai, you look like that type of person. But the latter was true since you cannot point out a moment he must have had a talk with your boss. Dazai had taken his role as your personal nurse very seriously to the point he rarely had been out of your sight.

Dazai knows you'd have to let it go eventually because you have no evidence against him. Even if you did find the courage to ask your boss if your boyfriend had talked to him, the boss wouldn't slip up. The only evidence you have is the fear in your boss' eyes when mentioning your boyfriend and the sly but satisfied smile you caught on Dazai's face when he knew he got away with it.

Mori:

Being the boss of the port mafia is a time-consuming job, especially when you're almost at war with another underground organization. It's why Mori, who is always eager to spoil you rotten, wasn't there to see how work was affecting you for the worst.

Mori made sure the upcoming threat was nothing more but forgotten dust, and one look at you after he came back made him want to do the same to your boss. You could see it in his expression, how it changed from excitement to surprise to deadly and back to soft but cheery in the span of a few seconds.

Absolutely takes this opportunity as an excuse to spoil you rotten more than he already does. After all, who can take better care of you than himself, the doctor who loves you the most?

The doctor in him comes out; checking your vitals, making sure you eat and drink, assigning you time to rest but also to go out and make a little walk with him. And oh, look what a cute thing he bought for you the other day! Yeah, it wouldn't be Mori if he didn't take this opportunity to buy new clothes for you and to doll you up as much as you let him.

Mori will offer to bring harm to your boss as if it's a sweet declaration of love. Whatever your answer, he makes sure your boss learns their lesson.

#dazai x reader #izaya x reader #mori x reader #bsd x reader #durarara x reader #drrr x reader #izaya orihara #dazai osamu #mori ougai #bsd headcanons #durarara headcanons

[nutzgunray-lvt]

Why I Hate Canon Dadzawa

I'm pretty sure I've said this before multiple times, but Aizawa is my second least favorite character in MHA behind Bakugou and ahead of Shinsou. Most of this is because of his canon actions/how he's written, but a lot of this is due to people INSISTING that Fanon Dadzawa is Canon Dadzawa.

To put out a disclaimer, I don't mind Fanon Dadzawa. There's been some really well written Fanon Dadzawa fics that I like, and I'm of the belief that you can and should write whatever fics you want. I also think that Canon Dadzawa/Aizawa as a whole could have been such an interesting character had he been written better. Instead (like with almost every other character in MHA) we get someone whose actions don't match how he's supposed to come off as.

This topic is a sore spot for me, because the people who got me into MHA tried selling me on Dadzawa, Dadzawa, Dadzawa. I felt so tricked when I first got into it and saw that none of what they were saying was true.

Just like how Bakugou is a Temu version of Vegeta (so insulting to Vegeta) and Sasuke (who is another character I don't really like, but will put well above Bakugou), Aizawa is a SheIn version of Kakashi; a conventionally attractive, badass, no-nonsense teacher who genuinely cares about and is protective of his students. I have my problems with Kakashi, but it's at least been actually shown that he cares for his students, and whenever he does a "Rational Deception", he not only immediately explains himself, but he only ever did them in his introduction. For that matter, he's actually a good friend to Guy.

Aizawa, on the other hand, is a hot mess of a walking, talking contradiction in writing and Character Shilling. We're constantly told that he's this amazing teacher and amazing person, but the evidence doesn't match up with these claims.

He never owns up to his failings, choosing to a) ignore them entirely, b) excuse them away, or c) throw other undeserving people under the bus to make himself look good. We see this in how he halfheartedly acknowledges Ida angrilly calling him out on his repeated lying to 1A, when he excuses away his utter failure in curbing Bakugou's awful behavior with his "deep seated conviction" in bring a hero, and when he tries throwing All Might under the bus when Hound Dog calls them out in exaserbating Izuku's trust issues after the Gentle Criminal fight.

For that matter, he has yet to apologize to Izuku after his realization during the Liberation Front War of how much of jackass he was to him. Seriously, Izuku has saved his ass I don't know how many times, and he continued being such an ungrateful bastard towards him. I'm not saying he should have gotten on his knees and proclaimed his life to him, but you would think that would have at least changed his attitude towards him.

And speaking of Izuku, while he's always on his ass about his Quirk control... he completely ignores the issues that Aoyama and Kaminari have with THEIR Quirks. Kaminari being taken hostage at the USJ due to his lack of Quirk Control goes completely unacknowledged, and Aoyama's lack of Quirk Control is treated solely for comedic value. You'd think Dadzawa: Best UA Teacher would try to help the two of them as well, but nope.

I could go on all day about his expulsion record, but the point is, he's ruining these students' lives due to him projecting his own traumas onto them. I have to reiterate this, but these expulsions DO IN FACT stay on their permanent records. In Japan, having an expulsion on your permanent record CAN AND WILL prevent you from getting a well paying job. Expulsion is treated as an absolute last resort for a reason, and to see him throw that threat around like it's nothing is horrible of him. Nedzu is a horribly negligent principal for letting Aizawa do this, and the fact that nobody has sued UA for this is a miracle.

Then we get to his favoritism of Bakugou and Shinsou, probably the biggest indicator of his hypocrisy.

It makes absolutely NO SENSE that Aizawa's presented as this strict hardass of a teacher, and then he's shown giving preferental treatment to an abusive egoist (that was canonically how Bakugou was described in his character profile) and a whiny, Quirkist Troll doll that's not even in the Heroics Course. This is especially egrigious considering how often he bitches and moans about All Might mentoring Izuku! He sticks his neck out for Bakugou when he absolutely doesn't deserve it and when you know for a fact he wouldn't do this for his other students.

For that matter, he's such an awful friend to Mic and Midnight. His relationship with both of them is all take and no give. Mic canonically surpressed his own grief and trauma surrounding Oboro and Midnight's deaths for Aizawa's sake, and while it was wrong of Midnight to throw Aizawa's name into the teacher's ring behind his back, he repays her trying to get him a job by doing all the above I just listed. His relationship with them is unhealthy as hell, especially since they NEVER take him to task for his awful behavior.

On top of all of THAT, he genuinely thinks he's this amazing teacher and person, given how angry he gets at Mic for calling him a terrible teacher during the Sports Festival. He calls Vlad King a better teacher than him... but doesn't do ANYTHING to change his ways. You can't have it both ways, Aizawa.

In conclusion, Aizawa would have been such an interesting character had he been allowed to examine and change his attitude and teachings. Instead, we get someone who unfairly has a reputation of being a paragon of goodness and rationality.

#anti shota aizawa #anti aizawa shota #anti dadzawa #present mic deserves better #class 1a deserves better #anti katsuki bakugou #anti shinsou hitoshi #izuku deserves better #midnight deserves better #mha critical #horikoshi critical #bnha critical

[pompompurinwrites]

Kisaki Tetta x GN!Reader (Angst)

Tw: Suicide, body dysmorphia

Word count: 1.6k

Notes: I wrote this at 3 in the morning so if it’s not that good, I’m sorry. Another thing is the suicide feels a bit rushed and I hate that so I might come back to fix some things. And another thing I am sorry for labeling it as a x Reader when it’s technically not:(

I am not that knowledgeable on Tokyo Revengers since I have only been into it for a few days but I tried researching the best I could. I am so sorry if Kisaki is out of character too much or the whole time:( if he is and I get many comments about it, I will change the fic.

Sadly more notes, I’m sorry. I will try and finish more of the anime and manga sometime today because I wanna write for timeskip? (I think that is the right terminology or would it be present or maybe future??) Tetta Kisaki:) I just love him and his toxicity🤗

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Being friends with Tetta Kisaki was no easy job. Sometimes he could be extra cruel to you and call you an idiot while pushing you to the ground, other times he could be ignoring you completely.

Acting as if you don’t exist at all.

But you still stayed friends with him.

Why?

Because you love him. He is your best friend even if you are not his. He is nothing but good in your eyes even when he is talking down to you and treating you like you’re the scum of the earth. You could even say you find him to be your soulmate.

Emphasis that your soulmate.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Ah Tetta wait for me, I still need to pay!” Tetta looks back in your direction and rolls his eyes, “you sure are slow aren’t you y/n, hurry it up.” He continues walking even when you’re still trying to get your cash out to pay for your drink. Quickly you throw the cash down and tell the man to keep the change, dashing over to Tetta.

“So how is the Tokyo Manji Gang treating you?” Tetta stays silent for a moment before responding, “Fine, now stop talking, I’m thinking about something.” You glance over to watch his brows furrowed in thought. “May I ask what you’re thinking about?” He ignores you completely. So you just sip on your drink on your way to school.

When you get to the entrance of the school you notice he starts to search for something. Well more like someone.

Hinata Tachibana.

He has been in love with her since they were in elementary school, all because she was kind to him. You were kind to him too, so what makes her so special? You have pondered on this many times but maybe that’s why he likes her more. She doesn’t have an ounce of jealousy in her for you. You notice Tetta start to walk away from you and walk more in her direction, so you follow.

That’s all you ever do.

Follow around Tetta like a dog.

While distracted in your thoughts you forget to realize just how close you were following him. Suddenly he stops making you bump right into his back. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention!” You lift your hands up in defense and stare at your feet. Tetta turns around, “Watch where you are walking and y/n…” you go from looking at your feet to his face, “yes Tetta.” Your breath hitches a bit, nervous of what he is going to say.

“Stop following me around so much, people are starting to think we are a couple, I don’t want Hinata to hear any of that.” He uses his arm to push you over to the side a little while he moves around you.

You stand their mouth slightly open, “a couple?” A smile couldn’t help but make its way onto your face but then the second set of words hit you. Just as quick as that smile came it vanished and you were left in a corridor all by yourself. No Tetta. Not even Hinata. Nobody. Slowly you make your way to your first class, maybe if you focus on school more it will distract you from Tetta’s words.

🍮(Time skip)🍮

You have been trying to stay away from Tetta for over a week and it’s starting to make you sadder. What is wrong with you that he doesn’t want to be close with you? You’re friends, aren’t you?

You wish you were more than friends. Even when you know he only wants Hinata, there is still that little bit of hope that maybe he might change his mind. Maybe if you confess to him, he will see there are other people that care for him too. Then again, the embarrassment you would receive from a rejection is overwhelming. On top of that, the ridicule you would receive from him would be just as bad, worse even.

Should you risk it?

Should you leave it as it is and just continue on with whatever you have going on with him now?

Like there is anything.

While you’re getting ready for school you stop to look in your mirror. Taking in every inch of your body and face. “Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want me?” You grab at your face and body.

Pulling.

Scratching.

Trying to rip it off.

“Am I too ugly for him?”

You ask your reflection, if it could talk you would hope it would say no.

While finishing up you make a quick trip to the bathroom, stopping to stare in that mirror too. Looking at your teeth, “Maybe he finds my smile ugly?” Or “Maybe he finds my voice annoying?” You start to tear up.

What is wrong with me?

Why doesn’t he want me?

The tears cascade down your cheeks, quickly you try to wipe them away, but the more you do, the more they fall. Your eyes are now starting to puff and get redder by the second. You attempt to take in deep breaths, hoping the tears will stop enough to make it out the door before anyone in your family sees you.

They always found you too sensitive.

Maybe Tetta does too?

A few minutes pass and they are mostly gone. Because of your crying incident you won’t be able to catch up with Tetta anymore and instead will have to walk to school by yourself.

Ok your walk you start thinking about what to do about confessing. There is more negatives that could occur but what if you let this one chance slip through your fingers? You would never forgive yourself if you didn’t at least try.

You can accept rejection, can’t you?

You skip your morning class so you can prepare yourself for what you want to say to Tetta. Lunch should be happening soon and then you can find him, drag him to the gardens while no one is around, and then confess. Make it sweet yet simple. Maybe you should have brought him a gift, chocolates would have been perfect.

Too bad it’s too late.

You got it, you know exactly what to say. You’re gonna thank him for being a friend to you when others didn’t. You’re gonna shower him with compliments, wether it’s about his intelligence or looks. You’re gonna make sure to offer your lunch to him as well because even if you don’t have chocolates, you still got your cooking to make up for it.

Perfect.

You’re gonna be perfect.

Right?

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

“It’s time!” You yell excitedly. Quickly you make your way to Tetta’s class, seeing him talking with some boys. You pick your pace up as they are about to go out the other side of the school doors. Pushing a few kids you are able to reach your arm out. Grasping onto his shoulder. “Hey Tetta can I talk with you really quick?” He lets out an audible sigh. “What do you want y/n?” You start to fumble with your fingers before getting the courage to grab his wrist, “Just follow me, please Tetta.” You look back to see him yank himself out of your grasp.

“Y/n, I’m far from stupid, I know what you’re going to ask.” You turn to look at him shocked, “you do?” He scowls at you, “the answer is no, I don’t want to go out with someone like you, you’re too unappealing, your voice annoys me, and I don’t find your personality all that appealing either.” You go to mess with your fingers again, not saying a word instead you wait for him to continue.

And so he does.

“You are nothing but a self deprecating individual. Everything about you disgusts me, the only reason I ever let you stick around me this long is because Tachibana talks to you and you could tell me everything she says.” His expression is so straight face, it’s scary. You look at him with small tears forming in your eyes. “And that’s another thing, you’re too sensitive, I don’t want someone who is gonna cry at the simplest of things, no wonder your face looks so depressing all the time because you never stop crying.” He laughs at you and continues with his bashing.

“I wouldn’t be with you even if Hinata was dead.”

That was it. That is what made you turn and run. You ran out of that school faster than you ever have. The tears were now unable to stop, everything was wrong. He hated everything about you. You were awful, worse than anyone else on earth. You couldn’t go back to school after this, and because you skipped your first class even if you went home your parents wouldn’t care.

Because school is much more important than “your silly teen problems”.

That’s all your problems were, silly. When you would get so nervous in class you would cry, it was funny. When you would get pushed to the floor during the rush to lunch, it was funny. When Tetta called you fat for eating a sundae instead of shaved ice on a hot summer day, it was funny. You were never taken serious. Not by your family. Not by your classmates. Not by him.

Tetta.

Tetta Kisaki.

You love him.

You loved him?

No, you still do. Love him. He is your everything even now.

Everything is just your fault.

You messed things up with him.

Mindlessly you have been walking the streets of Tokyo, still replaying those words he spoke to you hours ago. Why did this have to happen to you?

*hoot*

*hoot*

*hoot*

That sound.

The train.

Perfect.

You wipe your tears away and walk over to where others stood. No one even payed attention to you. They were just trying to go about the rest of their day. You felt bad. They would have to see everything go down, you really are an awful person. The worst in every way.

You place your bag down and push it away a few inches, still no one looks. You hear it the sound of the trains incoming arrival.

Walking closer to the edge, step by step.

Almost there.

It’s getting louder and louder.

Until eventually you leap.

Your feet never touch the tracks, instead you are floating. Going off to an abyss much farther than your mind can comprehend. You are free, y/n l/n, finally free.

Who was y/n l/n though?

A silly middle schooler who was in love with Tetta Kisaki.

The end<3

#tetta kisaki x reader #kisaki tetta #Tetta Kisaki angst #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev x y/n #tokyo rev angst #tokyo revengers angst #tokrev kisaki #kisaki x reader #tokyo revengers kisaki

[iamtheuniverse222]

He’s mine 🫀

He and I stay together forever. It’s always been him and I. We have a perfect relationship. Nobody can come between us. To be honest, he’s such a simp, he only gets hard over me. His family loves me. His mom adores me and treats like her daughter. His sister loves me so much and she’s always getting me gifts. His parents spoil me and love when I’m around. They know I’m making their son happy. He’s the happiest he’s ever been because he’s with me. He plans to marry me. Can you imagine he spends his time imagining our future together? He only wants me, forever. His loyalty is infallible, which is why I never overthink with him. No one can ever question our love. There’s no way he could ever get tired of me. All of his wet dreams are about me. Every minute, I get more attractive to him. Every minute, he loves me every more. Gosh, he loves spoiling me. Whenever, we go out together, he’s always paying, voluntarily. My baby never complains about buying me things. He does because he loves me so much. I know his love for me is unconditional and eternal. There’s nothing I could ever do to make him stop loving me. He’s my twin flame! People wish they had a boyfriend like mine.💓😵‍💫🫀

#law of assumption #manifesting #affirmations #vaunting #i get what i want #sp affirmations #love affirmations #getting what I want #twin flames

[samyanggs]

Could you do some yandere zerofuku, happy and grief mode, with a human fem or gn if you prefer

Thanks 😊

All my writings have been Gn but I could do fem and male too ig. I’m sorry this took so long to do I’ve been really stressed lately and feeling like shit way too often, I’m really happy that I’m getting to this now tho ! Thanks for requesting and have a nice day

Discord , tiktok , insta

Zerofuku yandere headcanons!

Warnings: doubt, violence, Yandere behaviour in general, etc

(Grief) zerofuku

zerofuku that gets jealous when they see another person talking, looking or touching you in any way and questions your loyalty to him

zerofuku who would stop at nothing to make you his even if it means that he has to murder innocent people and cause pain

zerofuku who forces you into saying I love you to him everyday, every hour, every minute, every second possible because he loves you so you should love him back no matter what

zerofuku who blames people around him and brings misery upon them if you decide that you don’t love him. (“You should love me. Why don’t you love me? Why why why why why??? It’s because of them isn’t it? I’ll make them pay I’ll make them pay I’ll make them pay.”)

zerofuku who threatens to kill your loved ones if you leave him because if you leave him, he will wreak havoc upon everything if it means that he can get you back

zerofuku who lies down with you on your bed stroking your beautiful silky long hair and wipes away your tears telling you how much he loves you and what he would do if you ever leave him, ever.

(Happy) zerofuku

zerofuku who wants you to be happy but only be happy because of him and nobody else. Only him.

zerofuku who locks you in his room with him as you both lay down and he worships your very body while you cry and tell him to let you go (he’ll never let you go. You’re his and only his.)

zerofuku who will spoil you rotten with whatever you need but will not give you what you want (freedom. Your family.)

zerofuku who makes sure nobody thinks that you’re in danger and that he treats you well. (He does treat you well doesn’t he? He gives you food, clothes, water, candy, sweets and everything! There’s no way you don’t love him. There’s absolutely no way.)

zerofuku who doesn’t allow anyone near you because he’ll get mad.. we don’t want him to get mad now, do we? (“I’m sorry I’ll be better I’ll be better” ‘if you say so, love, you know I love you so much.. so this is why it hurts that I have to do this to you..’)

zerofuku who asks you to never do it again because it hurts him to hurt you in such a way. Who cradles you in his arms as he begs for you to never do it again. Who doesn’t bother wiping your tears as you hiccup and silently beg to be let out of this prison

#record of ragnarok #snv #ror x reader #zerofuku #snv zerofuku #zerofuku x reader #yandere #yandere zerofuku #yandere zerofuku x reader #snv zerofuku x reader #ror zerofuku x reader #ror zerofuku #zerofuku ror #zerofuku snv

[aceoflights]

Alright, so, exactly one person said that I should do a long post about my thoughts on this scene. And that's literally all I needed. So, here I go, I guess. I'll try to be coherent.

This scene (and honestly Colin in this episode in general) really hit something deep in me as a queer person. I think it touched on something that I haven't seen a lot of media touch on in that way, but that I and a lot of other queer people have experienced

So, let's get into the scene, specifically Colin's reactions to everything.

I couldn't find gifs for everything I'm talking about, so here's the scene.

At first they're just talking about how cool Zava is and how much they admire him. And everything is fine. Until Richard calls Zava sexy, and Isaac's response is "Sounds a bit gay, bruv". And yeah, he's not saying "I hate gay people". But look at him and how he acts. He says it with a laugh. In a "you're being weird" way. Now, my point here is not to say that Isaac is homophobic. He is however referring to being gay as kinda weird, funny and almost a bit absurd. Y'know, the kind of jokes straight people make when they think there are only other straight people in the room. This is what closeted people live through every day.

I'm actually gonna put some tags from one of my other posts here. Because, yeah, exactly.

#I watched a few cishet reactions to the episode and #the way they Did Not understand the locker room scene #like that wasn't a funny 'joking with the gay guy' moment #that was a moment of 'we are all straight and the joke IS a gay guy' #like Colin is living in that liminal space of #okay maybe they aren't outright homophobic but they sure aren't openly accepting #and any change to that status quo may potentially make things Very Dangerous #so he just Isn't going to challenge that at all (@king-kal)

#stop acting like its all okay #this is exactly what makes it terrifying to come out #and what gaslights people into believing thier pain isn't real #because yes theres more blatant and explicit homophobia out there #but this does real damage too #and its fucking hard to know where youll be safe when the people around you give no indication that theyd accept anyone queer (@not-a-cheese-thief)

#however much they love him there has been absolutely nothing about them in relation to queer people that indicate they’d be #supportive and accepting #you really just never know which is partly why coming out is so terrifying (@theoneandonlypigeon)

Now, let's have a look at Colin. As soon as Issac says that, he has Colin's full attention. He turns his head, his eyes are on Isaac. And he looks kinda scared. Anticipating. He's listening intently.

When you're closeted, and the topic of queerness is mentioned, especially if someone who matters is around, like a friend, you pay attention. You pay attention to what they say, to how they react. To figure out what they think about queer people. What they would think about you if they knew. Would they treat you differently? Would they start to dislike you even? Or would they maybe be supporting?

As a closeted queer person you can never be sure if you're safe. As some of the tags above have pointed out, nobody is saying anything overtly homophobic here, but nobody is saying anything to indicate they would be supportive either. So really Colin doesn't have any more information about how they would react to him coming out than he did before.

Then Richard says "Well I'm gay". And everyone turns around to him and is like "huh?". Except for Colin. Colin doesn't turn around. He actually turns more forward. He tilted his head in Richards direction when he started talking. But when he finished his sentence Colin looked straight ahead. And imma be honest here, I'm not really that good at analysing facial expressions, and this might well be me overanalysing. But the way I'm reading what's going on here is the following. Colin actively faces forward to not seem that interested in Richards possible gayness. his eyes also widen and then tart around for a second. Which to me reads as, like, "wait, what? could there actually be another queer person on the team?".

I'm not gonna get into Richard actually being possibly gay. Here's a post about that, if you're interested. (Not saying that's what I believe necessarily, but I saw the post and felt it necessary to include)

Then, of course "for Zava". And Colin laughs. But holy shit it's such a fake laugh. Like, I'm serious, watch that scene again and pay attention to Colin's laugh. It it so fake.

While they're talking about "men with charisma that transcends orientation", nothing all that interesting happens.

And then, Colin's joke.

Immediately after he finishes his sentence, he looks anticipating again, in a slightly different way. A short moment of "should I not have said that? Could it give them a hint about me?". Then the others start to laugh and Colin smiles along. He's accomplished his mission. He's blending in. He's a chameleon.

#he's part of the team #but his queerness also isolates him #separates him from them #this is my first ever long post so i'm sorry if it sucks or doesn't make sense #i hope it does tho (make sense that is) #and i hope you can't tell that i'm sleep deprived lol #long post #colin hughes #queer #gay #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso s3 #ted lasso season 3

[heeseung-min]

Yandere Jay as a ceo(he's rich²) and y/n as his personal assistant that he always favors. Then someone started a rumor that y/n sleeps w/ jay(if u're comfortable to write that) and ofc jay unalived the person who started the rumor

[20:24]

You started to work as Jay's assistant two months ago. At first, you thought you will not get accepted to the company but thankfully you did. The salary is good enough to pay your rent and your groceries.

You also noticed how different your boss when he talked to you than when he talked to other workers.

When he talks to you, he will stare at your face and nodding at everything you say. Sometimes, he even treats you to lunch or dinner when you work overnight and he will gives you gift when he back from overseas trip.

But, when it comes to other staffs he didn't even consider to look at them for a second and the way he sounds also very cold. So, these things cause a rumor to start.

"I think y/n is sleeping with boss."

"She must begging him on knees to let her stay here. I mean look at her, she's not suitable in this place."

"What a whore"

"She should resign at this point. I'm sick of that bitch face."

You were holding your tears inside the stall. You can't protect yourself even what they said were false. Why people always like to assume things without checking the truth first? You waited until they went out from the toilet and started crying for few minutes before washing your face to hide your puffy eyes.

You were reading the event for today in front of Jay's desk but then he interrupted you with his curious face.

"What happen to your face?"

You stunned. Had you didn't hide it very well with your makeup?

"What do you mean, sir?"

"You looked like you just finished crying."

Shit. How did he know? You controlled your face from having a shock reaction and just let out awkward smile with some confuse look.

"I- I didn't understand what you said, sir"

"Nevermind, you can go out now."

You decided to make a tea to quench your thirst. Just when you wanted to pour the hot water, someone talked to you.

"Oh hi Y/N!"

"ahh hi"

"Are you making a tea for Mr.Jay? What a good assistant you are. You really tried hard, huh?"

"No, I just made this for myself."

The woman in front of you rolled her eyes and fake a smile to you. You continued pouring the hot water into your mug but then the woman pushed you on purpose and made the hot water splashed on your hand. You screamed loudly because of the shock and your tears running down without stop. The woman became scared and panic at what she had done. She ran out from there leaving you hurting.

Nobody even come to help you treating the wound. You winced when you rubbing the antiseptic on the wound.

After two hours spending your time to calm down from the incident, you got a call from Jay to come inside his room. You hid your hand so he didn't see you getting hurt.

"Do you need anything, sir?"

Jay stopped looking at the files and stared at you. He stood up and slowly walked closer to you. You couldn't step back because he already put his hand on your waist and another hand was holding your hand that was hurting.

"Who did this to you, y/n?"

"huh? no-nothing happen, sir?"

Jay squeezed your hand a little bit made you shouted a little. You looked at the man's face who started to change to a cruel one.

"You were hurting, baby. Just tell me please."

Jay's soft voice made you cracked sobs and leaned to his chest. Jay hold you and murmured some words to comfort you. You told him about the rumors and who hurt your hand.

"I told you, didn't I? You only need me no one else. Now, I want you to rest on the couch and let me take care of everything."

Jay said lastly before he gave you forehead kisses. You just let him because you were too tired with what already happened. He brought you to the couch and put his coat to cover your body.

"Kim, I need you to do something."

Well, that would be the last day for those one who decided it's a good idea to mess with you.

Hello😄😄😄 how is your day? Is it good? If yes, then I'm very glad that happen. If not? Don't be sad. Rainbows always come after rain so, your happiness will come soon😆😆 I hope you guys enjoy thiss

#yandere au #yandere imagines #yandere kpop #kpop yandere #yandere enhypen #enha x reader #lee heeseung #nishimura riki #park jongseong #kim sunoo #sim jaeyun #park sunghoon #yang jungwon #yandere jay

[fortpeat]

Hi! I hope you are doing ok. I know this might be coming out of the blue, but I feel the need to spread the word so other fans can see this and not go through the same that I have been. I recently joined a FortPeat server on Discord. I saw the invite on a tumblr tag and I thought it could be a good idea since most fandom spaces I've been in were usually wholesome and nice to meet new people and talk about the things we all have in common and love. I will be honest with you that I had actually thought the server had something to do with your account since I always see you in the fortpeat tags (I don't really use my tumblr account, I'm more of a lurker, I just recently got into the fortpeat fandom) and you always seemed to be like a lovely person. I was actually told by this server owner that you were also one of the server owners at some point, and I remember seeing one of your posts talking about "the discord incident"… I have no idea if both of these things are related to each other, but I understood immediately after talking to this server owner why you'd leave that place. This server is extremely toxic. I and another member were kicked out simply because we harboured a different opinion than the one from the server owner. She is a grown-ass woman and treats people in a really childish manner. She's condescending and passive-aggressive. She deleted our messages for no good reason and then said we were free to leave if we were not happy with her rules. The other member called her out on it and this is what got us kicked out. That was it. Nothing else. I thought for a second that I could've been somewhat rude, but another member of the server reached out to me in private to tell me this had happened many times before and that neither I nor the person who was kicked out were rude. So, my point with this ask is I hope whoever's still stuck in that graveyard filled with toxicity, please leave as soon as possible. I had other people reaching out to me since then to tell me that they also experienced really bad things there. I'm really sorry if you went through some shit because of it, but yeah. I hope the owner reflects on her attitude if she intends on keeping up with a server she clearly has, currently, zero capabilities of running if this is how she treats her members. Thank you so much, and I am sorry for the huge ask. I think it's important to let people know when fandom spaces are nasty. Love your blog! 🤍

Hi Nonnie ✨🥰

First of all sorry for the late response I needed some time to think through a proper response since it's a sensitive topic and I am typing this out while in the middle of a program and my Wifi is wacky so I don't know when you might get this 🫣

Now I am not gonna lie, when I first received this ask I was sceptical about even posting this. I tend to avoid all kinds of drama as I quite don't have the time for that but then I realized won't that mean I too am ignoring you the same way the server owner did and essentially cutting you off and I am not that kind of person. I believe that everyone deserves to have their opinion heard and from what you told me I think you deserve it especially when you are definitely not in the wrong.

But first things first. I am so sorry you went through something like that. Nobody deserves it least of someone who joined a server believing that it might be something good. I will tell you it used to be good but then everything kind of fell apart. I left that server back in Nov due to personal reasons and a disagreement with the server owner.

Now the discord incident.. it was more or less connected to this but it was also me and my best friend joking around coz the both of us have had bad experiences with it. I never thought anyone would pay attention to it 🫣🫣😂. Now I don't want to dish out my personal experiences publicly like this so if you ever want to talk privately my DMS are always open 🥰 I promise it to be safe space for you and anyone who wants to talk.

I would also like to thank you for opening up like this I am sure it must not have been easy to trust me especially after your experience. I hope in the future this doesn't cloud your judgement towards future servers you might want to join. There are lots of lovely people in the fandom and there are some in that very server as well.

Also thank you for raising this awareness. I never would have thought things would get this bad there. That too in a server that represents our beautiful Fortpeat and Paisky who has taught us nothing but the importance of proper communication 🥺🥺

I hope you have a good day nonnie 🥰✨

Here's some Fortpeat hugs to feel better 🥹🥰

#prapaisky #fortpeat #asks are always appreciated

[a-friend-of-mara]

Hey uh

I'm leaving my mask at the door for a minute

If you enjoy the image of myself I put forward, the happy cheery autistic trans girl who doesn't dwell on her issues

Please just ignore this post

If you are uncomfortable with mentions of self harm, talking about non prescription drug addiction, suicide rates of trans kids

Please just go

Look

I say my biggest fear is that I'll be forgotten

It's easier than saying that I'm scared to death of myself

I'm worried I'll give up on life and stop eating... considering I can't gain or maintain weight I'd have a week before I was dead at the most

I'm afraid that I'll give up trying to look like the person I want to be rather than being stuck, trapped in a body that isn't mine but I'm wired up to like some sick torture method

I don't want to fall into drug use or self harm hoping that it'd pull me out of this pit of self hatred and hopelessness

I don't wanna be another tally mark on the trans suicide charts

I don't wanna die

I feel like I'm suffocating

That I can't move my legs... only the ones attached to me

I don't even know if I matter at this point

I just

I wanna be me

Not some false image that I was born with

Nobody understands how it is for me

My dad almost killed me with th fact he understood so little he put me into survival mode where I cared about nothing but staying alive because of how much damage his insistence that my body was in fact his son and not the cage that trapped his daughter

He used to have twins now he just has one kid with her twin sister... my sister

Now I live with my mom who doesn't understand, how could she? She's never wanted to tear her skin off because it wasn't hers... she understands how much I hurt though

She's able to see through my mask that I'm really suffering inside

Without her yall wouldn't have ever known I existed

You would've heard a news article of a trans kid who killed herself by diving off the balcony at her school although the media would misgender me.

I've almost done it

Sitting on the edge of a lethal drop fighting with myself to not do it

Not sure if I was lying when i told myself things would get better

I'm not sure if they are

Everything just keeps getting worse and worse

I can't even cry anymore

I don't care about so many things that I used to

I used to love

Then I was heartbroken

I used to care for my friends

Until I moved away

I used to enjoy helping others

Now I'm so tired I can't

Just

Fuck

It's kinda funny

How part of me thinks it's all my fault

How I'm not sure if it's something I did

But then I have to think

What could I possibly have done that'd make this torment justified?

How can any higher power exist when I've prayed to every God and Goddess I've ever learned of and not once has a goddam thing happened

How would a higher power let the world get this fucked up

Fuckin hell

My trans siblings are getting murdered for being themselves

Innocent people who live in unfortunate places are being killed because of stupid ass reasons

Fucking hell in America most people aren't free enough to take a month off work without becoming homeless

Decades of prejudice make people think women are weak and need defending but don't pay them well because... fuckin I don't know why!

It's pathetic that men get away with rape while women get away with false rape accusations usually destroying every relationship the man ever cared about

People look at others and treat them differently based on the color of their skin

YA KNOW HOW FUCKIN STUPID THAT IS?!

ITS DUMBER THAN PICKING ON SOMEONE WHO WORE A BLUE SHIRT PURELY BECAUSE OF THE SHIRT

What for?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?!

The privilege to go through 12 to 20 years of school to earn the right to have to work a job I'll probably hate until I'm like 60?!

Right now I'm pretty sure my life is gonna end before I reach 30!

What's the fuckin point?!

America for fucks sake

The land of the free

Yeah free to work or die because the 0.01% run the fucking nation like their playground

People wonder why I've responded to hostility with hostility in the last 3 years

Simple

I've bottled my emotions for so long the bottles are all full

Yelling and ranting always make me feel a little better

If anyone comments on this negatively I hope you die in a vat of boiling vinegar and drown in the yolks of rotten eggs

That goes for all the phobic people too

If you made it through this whole essay sized emotional breakdown and don't think I'm a complaining winey bitch

I can only say I wish the world was made of more people like you

Alright

Time for sleep

#tw: depression #tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #trans #trans woman #me #depressing shit #trans struggles

[loving-jack-kelly]

I love Jack Kelly so much and so I adore your posts. so curious on how you feel about some in the fandom treating Jack like a villain because of his ‘betrayal’ and don’t think his reasoning is ‘good enough’? it irritates me to no end because they have no idea who Jack is.

oh anon this is one of my favorite things to talk about how did you know?

the thing is. this is addressed specifically in the show. So Jack, an escaped "criminal" and homeless orphan who is also the leader/protector of a gang of other homeless orphans, gets put in an impossible position. "cowboy or convict [Pulitzer] wins either way." he has two options when he chooses to "betray" the strike:

option one: take the money, do his best to stop the strike from continuing, and run away from the only home he's ever known to a dream he knows probably won't ever be reality (and let's be real here, Jack is a dreamer but he isn't stupid. he knows that Sante Fe will never be all it is in his head but he clings to that hope because he's idealistic, knowing full well it's not gonna work the way he wishes it would if he ever does make it out). taking option one means breaking the trust of the people he's looking out for, but it also means they're safe. the strike is over, they stop getting beat up, they still have work and therefore won't starve.

option two: refuse the money, let Snyder take him to the Refuge, and let the strike continue knowing full well that Pulitzer can and will ensure that all of the people he cares about are locked up, too. including Davey and Les, who have so much more to lose comparatively because they're not homeless orphans, they have a home and a family. Pulizter is directly threatening all of the people Jack loves, and Jack knows he'll make good on it, and Jack knows how bad the Refuge is.

so for Jack, this boils down to a simple choice: protect them, or let them get hurt. and for Jack, that's a non-choice

everything that Jack does is filtered through this lens of selflessness that borders on self-destruction. the end justifies the means as long as the end is that everyone he loves is safe and cared for. he will provoke a fight with the delanceys if it means nobody else gets hit. he will let all of them think he's betraying them if it means they're safe. who cares if they hate him as long as they're alive and out of the Refuge?

you can see it in that scene. he comes in confident and guns blazing, and doesn't change his mind at all until Pulitzer brings the other newsies into it. he doesn't care if he gets hurt. he knows that a strike is dangerous, and as long as Pulizter is focused on him, who cares? he's fighting for the most important thing in the world, his kids. but when Pulizter is threatening his kids, and the choice is lose them or let them get hurt. well. who cares if he's happy, as long as they're safe? who cares if Santa Fe has always been a pipe dream that he had no real intention of following, he'll survive. he'll be fine. they'll be fine. and that's what matters.

and listen. if jack had really intended on running to Santa Fe, he would have already done it. why didn't he hop a train? why is he so insistent on paying for a ticket? to me, it screams more of that idealism. will he ever realistically be able to save enough to get there? no. and that's part of the comfort of the dream: as long as it isn't real, it can't disappoint him (just be real is all I'm asking, not some painting in my head, 'cause I'm dead if I can't count on you today. I got nothing if I ain't got Santa Fe. how much more scared of Santa Fe disappointing him than staying here is he? i bet a lot. he needs the dream to be perfect).

but of course he chooses to protect his kids because that's what he does. that's what he's always done. that's why he's their leader. he refuses to let them get left behind, he refuses to see them hurt, and he will let them think the worst of him if it means at least they're safe.

on the rooftop, katherine says "I need to know you didn't cave for the money" and Jack says no almost dismissively because of course he didn't. obviously he didn't. Jack who tried to refuse payment from Medda because why should somebody who cares for him need to pay him? Jack who drops two bits, half a day's profit, on somebody he just met? Jack who only started this whole thing in the first place because he knows how bad it will be for the kids who don't move as many papers as him? please. why would he cave for the money? and Katherine was there, she heard Pulitzer threaten the other kids, she should know this.

and then at the end. the strike settled, jack should probably be hitting the road, right? because how could they want him to stay, now that he's betrayed them? except he didn't, and they know he didn't, now that they know what happened. he didn't do it for the money, and he never would have. he only did it because it was the only way he could protect everyone.

#my url has two meanings: i love jack and jack loves everyone. so hard so much he can't contain it #newsies #jack kelly #luckily i have purely good newsies mutuals so nobody I follow has ever called him a villain lmao that wouldn't stand #in this house we love and understand the nuance to jack's character and why he does the things he does

[writingsbychlo]

i agree that nesta needed to actually apologise to the IC, but what about them? dont they have some apologising to do to her too? its not like they were all saints who never provoked her or said/did something when she was quiet. feyre was the only one completely innocent when it comes to nesta. but amren, mor, rhys, and cassian??

I never said they didn’t have apologising to do too 😅 they definitely do. they shouldn’t have forced her to do anything, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t have. I get why she was forced to go and train with cassian for the plot, but let’s be honest about how things would have been realistically:

feyre and elain reach out constantly to nesta, invite her to events, which she barely attends if ever if she’s not being bribed over her rent money.

cassian reaches out, constantly, only to be hurt and upset and shut out every single time.

nesta takes dealing with her trauma into her own hands by sitting in tubs of freezing waters and enduring the sound of fires, and lets nobody in about what’s bothering her.

she continues to spend a lot of the courts money on alcohol, and for whatever reason, this is not unacceptable to rhys and feyre.

if she wasn’t cassian’s mate and there didn’t need to be a plot for a book, it would have been one page over and done like this:

“you’re going to train with cassian.”

“I don’t want to.”

“fine, then get a job on your own and pay for your own unhealthy habits. because we’re cutting you off. you never come and see us, you’re ungrateful, you’re mean, and you don’t act like family so why should we treat you like family? you’ve made it very clear you want nothing to do with us, so off you go. stay in this court, go to another court, you do you. bye.”

“fine, about time you got off my back.”

and the book would have ended.

so, they all definitely owe her some apologies. they forced her to deal with her trauma in a way that suited them when she was handling it how she wanted to. she has an immortal life span, she would’ve cracked under the weight of knowing everyone was starting to hate her; she would have eventually processed it all.

they just wanted her to heal on their timeline, not her own, and I think that is unacceptable too. it’s one of the things that just ruins the cass and nes dynamic for me in ACOSF.

so yes, they definitely owe her apologies too. they’re not innocent and she’s not the one bad guy, it’s just that I don’t condone the way she treats them. they went about it all wrong, but in the end, they did just want to help her. in the end, they used the wrong methods trying to show their love. she actively set out to hurt and upset people at every possible chance she got to validate her own hurt and upset. I get that you’re in pain nesta, but that doesn’t give you the right to put everyone else in pain too. it ruined nesta’s character for me, who I was pretty fond of up until then.

I think ACOSF should have gone more like this:

feyre and rhys tell nesta she has to go and train, or she’s cut off. nesta gets mad, tells them fine, she’ll make it on her own, she doesn’t need any of them, matter of fact it’ll be a relief to be left alone because she never wanted this happy little fae life anyway.

nesta attempts to make it on her own, but she struggles a lot. she gets a crappy job that leaves her no time to drink her troubles away or meet anyone, she’s barely making ends meet. this sucks. plus, all she hears is gossip about the happy little high lord and lady and their baby on the way, cassian and azriel and the inner circle, and rolls her eyes when her coworkers can’t see, they don’t know who she is.

she wants her free rent money back so she can go back to drinking all night sleeping all day. she hits rock bottom after having a panic attack one night after a nightmare etc, and gets the grand idea. the idea that all she has to do is pretend to show a little effort at training but ultimately make it seem like “oh no, it’s not working, well at least we tried!” and everything goes back to normal.

when she goes to talk to feyre and rhys, rhys tells her hell she can climb the stairs to the HoW and ask cassian if he’s still willing herself, it’s not their call to make.

“fine I will.” moment.

crawling her way up 10,000 stairs, she’s a mess, she’s sick, it takes so fucking long and she’s literally crawling when she makes it to the top. cassian heard her coming and is standing there with his arms crossed.

they argue a bit but he agrees to train her. however, he sees right through her and know what she’s aiming for. an easy ride or drinking here and half-assing training before giving up. so, he lays down rules.

no drinking.

you work too, in the library.

you cant leave with me or az.

you want to leave, there’s the stairs. but it took you twenty hours to drag yourself up then this time, so if you want to go out, fine, but if you’re not back in time for training the next morning, deals off.

she is NOT facing those stairs again, so fine. and now we can start into ACOSF events where she meets gwyn and emerie and they train and etc etc. nesta would find herself more and more wanting to actually stay, to be here and be a part of this. cassian and azriel knew her plan all along, as did rhys and feyre. they all saw the state she was in, desperate for a drink and completely broken. if she came to them herself at rock bottom and healed herself, it would’ve been so much better. no need for that moment where she ruins it all for feyre because she’s feeling like being horrid. her and cassian could’ve had a moment hiking in other ways.

hugely less toxic way to do it, where nobody needs to hurt anybody. idk.