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#ok bye thanks for my Ted talk

peytowin · 3 months

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CARSON!!!!!!

This is my sona/oc whatever instead of getting a new one every hyperfixation she gets recycled to hell and back. Now she’s Mariofied

more doodles and rambling under the cut YIPPEEE!!!!

Ok welcome to the autism zone. Shes from “the real world” her sink got fucked up and evil and sucked her up. Id like to think she landed in the nsmb U version of the Mushroom Kingdom during the events of Mario Wonder, so there is like No One Around. Except of course enemies. bro just wants to go home I can’t blame her. anyways she gets spotted by Lemmy and hes like “UM. who are you. what do I do with you.” so he takes her to the head honcho (Ludwig in this case; Bowser left him in charge of his territory while hes kicking it in the Flower Kingdom) so she gotta deal with a new place with a bunch of freaks and uh yeah thats it thats the tweet

Heres her like…default design??? Idk she started as a Steven Universe sona, went through turbosuperhell, and now her default is Minecraft (it’s super convoluted and complicated I KNOW!!! it makes sense to me I have a whole timeline somewhere). shes hip shes cool Ive had her like 8 ish years technically. Also shes like 4’3”

#mario #mario sona #mario oc #my sona #lemmy koopa #I see her as me I also dont idk shes just there #lets go ahead and get all the cringe out the way i self ship to or whatever I don’t give a fuck #unless youre an irl then i do in fact give a fuck #also I see a lot of others in the fandom doing it too I love you guys ur all epic #ok bye bye thanks for coming to my ted talk

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maro0on · 23 days

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my headcanon is that caleo is just a high school love story that just ends in a year....

like can you tell me otherwise that leo's feelings for calypso was just a 15yo's hormones 💀💀 like bro they literally barely spent time together on that island and you're telling me they fell for each other that quick??? is that ship even sturdy enough to not sink on its own🚢

i can just see it hit the iceberg called maturity and just sink in the ocean called life🌊

anyway my point is that their relationship is forced🌹

they're going down like jiper💖

and i hate calypso 🥰🥰

thank you for coming to my ted talk

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muckablucka · 29 days

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just gonna upload some random art of my ocs (with a jack'o'moon photo on the side) with no context whatsoever and leave

(also the pink wolf's design is a JOKE to clarify)

also the character in the first two images is supposed to resemble a fox (with some draconic features) but apparently i cannot draw foxes whatsoever so she looks like a wolf 🙂 same goes for third one

help not me forgetting to shade a part on the first image 😭😭😭

i feel like i have to clarify that the drawings in the first image are one character, not two, her fur is asymmetrical and is bilaterally split down the center so i drew both sides

i swear i could go on a whole rant about that oc she is absolutely precious to me, ive had her since about 2020 i believe??

also fyi i cannot draw humans for the life of me 😍✌️ these characters all have human forms, they each belong to different fictional species that i made up that are animal based but have a human form. wish i could draw them 😭

#how tag???#barely even art #stupid dumb idiot dumb stupid grrrr #someone help me understand what's going on inside my mind doctor I can't tell if I'm not me /lyr /ref #why in the flibbity jibbity jibber jabber did this get so long #thank you for coming to my Ted talk ok bye

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chalkeater · 2 years

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About the timeline post, i saw someone mention that Ralsei's manual in the files says 202X

oh FR? if that’s true then I’m sorry to everyone who thought 201X 😔

will look into this… It does say that. On one hand I get why we think 201X- because Deltarune came out in 2018. but if 202X is the case then Toby Fox had it that way to accommodate for the fact that Deltarune should be completely finished before 2030.

So canonically because Ralsei made this manual to give to Kris (or anyone else) the game can’t happen any earlier than 202X. Let’s say in-game Kris is 17 and let’s say that everything happened in 2020. just to keep it close enough. if the guess for Spamton Sweepstakes is that it took place in 2009 Kris would be 6 years old help

I don’t think I have the brain power to think of when everything took place IF connected to our human world out here. There are alternative ways to think about it though:

Everything took place in around 2018 anyway which makes it more possible (age wise) to start running tour own forum with enough clarity

Everything does take place in 202X but there’s something going on with technology not being as updated in the town (Maybe Ms Toriel’s old school with her antennae TV? and everything coming to this town later than the rest of the world?

or Ralsei wrote 202X as a typo

or Deltarune’s timeline just can’t be connected to our human world and how technology and the internet changes and evolves didn’t happen at the same pace- either in just Hometown or entirely in-universe. At the end of the day it was definitely probably written as 202X so we subconsciously see it happening as the same time as our own lives anyway and so we’re even more inclined to relate to everyone maybe

#ask #anon #meta stuff #long post #ignore my rambling i’m just trying to connect it all together #glittery forums weren’t as popular after a certain point #but because of the way Noelle types I want to guess that IF we were to tie the timeline to this real world tomeline #and with the fact that Kris is in highschool right. I remember us using XD and rawr when we were like 10-14 in well. 2010-2014 #So i that possible? Kris in 2010-2014 would have been 7-11 so that’s a maybe #If Noelle and Kris were the same age canonically then you’d have to push it to 2014 because a 7 year old would not be making comprehensive #forum posts #OK IM DONE BYE #also i just can’t really believe that Deltarune takes place in 2009 as a whole because it’s implied Spamton Sweepstakes took place a WHILE #back. Noelle doesn’t talk like that anynore (in-game). you can tell they sound younger #If anything Spampton Sweepstakes does take place in 2009 but the present day is not 2009 #then again correct me if im weong #thanks for coming to my ted talk

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glassesonmyeyes · 2 years

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Okay but, why is birthday doesn't feels like before!!!!!?? Like long ago i wanted balloons, cake, chocolate, whole family and a bunch of friends on my birthday.....but now i just want to lock my self in a room and keep texting 'Thank you'!!!!!??????

#birth chart #birthdayvibes #memesdaily #i hate it here #birthday cake #friends #family #balloons #automatically generated text #thanks for coming to my ted talk #thank you #thanks i hate it #people #frustrated #ok byeee #good bye #ok bye ily

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kasaneteto · 4 months

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roommate posting again

so i had the Big Talk with him about how him not doing chores and not paying me back isnt okay blah blah blah, he was receptive to it and owned up to his shortcomings, all around went pretty well. he’s set a reminder thing on his phone to alert him to when its time to do chores and he does them. all should be well……but man. even with him doing the chores its just…. like how do i tell someone that when you sweep you have to move things and sweep underneath them yknow. idk if i can do this. i shouldnt have to teach a grown ass man how to clean. but thats exactly what i have to do.

its like. its the little things you know? i have these two friends who ive been in talks with about replacing him when the lease renewal comes up in august. and in this amount of time (couple months) ive noticed so many small things about them that are like. soooo thoughtful and considerate and RESPONSIBLE compared to my current roommate. take for example when we all three went out to smoke on the patio. nahale brought out the stool for thomas to sit on, and without me having to say anything brought it back in and put it where it goes. erik would sometimes follow finn & i out while we smoke to keep talking to us and bring the stool for himself to sit on… then leave it out there when he followed us back inside. or when erik watches after the cats while im away vs when tom&nahale watch them. when erik watches them i come home and the litterboxes havent been emptied for three days and they are clearly starved for attention. but when i had T&N do it the litterboxes were not only clean but they had been SWEPT around AND THEY TRIMMED PIXIES CLAWS FOR ME 😭😭😭 its the little things like that. just having someone responsible that i could rely on and will do little things like that for me because they care and want to help… thats the kind of environment i want to live in. not one where i constantly feel like im picking up after someone & need to be on guard/conservative of my energy. which brings me to the other thing ive realized isnt going to change

erik is a 100% extrovert and id argue to his detriment. like he requires constant attention and validation in order to be happy. he can’t meet your world with his world, he needs you to be in his world with him. if that makes sense. im kind of on the cusp of introverted/extroverted but lean a little more towards introverted. living with erik makes me a hardcore introvert. being in the same room as erik is seen by him as an invitation to talk, and once you give him an inch he’ll try to take a mile. that isnt to say its a negative thing about him its just his nature to he social in that way. but its also just like… the same thing over and over. like he cant stand to let the conversation die so he’ll just keep repeating himself. this is better explained via example so let me paint a picture:

the cats figured out how to bust into the kitchen cabinet that the trashcan is in, so in order to prevent them from digging through the trash i installed child locks. if youre unaware of them and yank the cabinet too hard it can rip them off so you have to be careful. erik and i both do stuff like that a lot so i put a little sign on the counter that says “DONT 4GET CHILD LOCKS” but since its on a strip of tape all the words look kinda mashed together & erik commented on this saying “i keep reading this 4 like an a and it makes me feel like an italian guy wrote this” and in response i chuckled and said “donta forgeta child locks” and he just. wouldnt stop saying it after that. he laughed much harder than i did and then just kept loudly saying that while doing things in the kitchen (clearly trying to get me to join in but truly it was not that funny to me) and that kind of thing is just so exhausting to be around. its like my dad. just talking at you, not with you.

so anyways its gotten better but fundamentally i think we are just not compatible to be living together. i love erik hes a good friend and a funny guy but he isnt someone i feel comfortable around most of the time unfortunately. he needs to be a “hang out with on occasion” friend not a “see you every single day” friend like he is now. im realizing just how many friends in my life are draining my cup rather than filling it

#txt #this is long af sorry #thanks for coming to my ted talk 🫶#ok im gonna plant more seeds now bye

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lottachaos · 10 months

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GOOD OMENS SEASON TWO SPOILERS

Ok I’m gonna be deeply ranting and analyzing the kiss scene (mostly just the kiss itself) because OH MY GOSH THERES SO MUCH TOO IT

First of all here’s a gif of it:

And also I don't have a gif of it but when Crowley releases Aziraphale, what struck me was that he didn’t make them burst apart he gently and almost sadly just stepped back. And then watched. Now. One of the biggest things I’ve been thinking about in this (because I’ve been obsessively watching it over and over) is how Crowley is kissing him. It’s a long kiss. It’s not sensual. It’s not eating each others faces. It’s intimate and very romantic. Crowley missed Aziraphales lips by a hair and is slightly kissing his chin. Crowley holds him there as they sway back and forth slightly. I can’t see if his eyes are open or not. But the thing that strikes me about this is how much all of Crowley’s body language and everything just scream about how much he doesn’t want to move. He finally kissed his angel and he wants to stay pressed up against him, finally locked in the embrace he didn’t realize he needed for so long. He just stays there. He doesn’t kiss deeper. He just stays pressed against him, not wanting to deal with how Aziraphale will look at him afterwards.

then he has to break apart. He does it gently, but suddenly. Like he had to force himself but doesn’t want to . He wanted to stay, but he knows he can’t. So he steps back with his heart breaking more than he thought possible.

now onto Aziraphale.

Aziraphale is shocked. His eyes go from open to closed to open to closed. He leans back so slightly you almost can’t see it. He doesn’t seem to know how to feel.

And then his hands go around Crowley. It almost seems like it’s an unconscious motion, given how he looks after they break apart. It looks like for a split second, he lets himself melt into Crowley, as his hand wraps around his back and slides across it. But then he hesitates again abd takes his hands away. He thinks he can’t melt into Crowley. But there was the one moment where he broke.

after they break apart, Aziraphale looks shocked, upset, desperate, and to me, even a little disgusted. Probably because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He licks his lips and moves his mouth around abd seems uncomfortable. But then after Crowley leaves he presses a hand to his mouth. He holds it for a second and starts crying. He realized he liked how it felt. He realizes everything he’s been missing. He loved the feeling of Crowley’s lips on his. Most importantly, he loves crowley.

on the topic of people hating on Aziraphale and saying the metatron did something to him, I disagree. This seems completely in character fir Aziraphale. He’s not an arsehole, he’s in conflict. He thinks he’s not allowed to love Crowley. I get him.

ok Thanks for coming to my Ted talk hehe bye

#goodomens #ineffable idiots #ineffable husbands #ineffable spouses #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens season two #gos2 spoilers #david tennant #michael sheen #niel gaiman #rants #unintelligible rants #help my heart

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virgincels · 4 months

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NYMPHOMANIA !

ft. leon s. kennedy x fem!reader

tags. daddy-daughter incest, femcel reader :3, reader wants to get raped so she talks about that, dub-con for like a paragraph, suicidal thoughts, awful thoughts in general, tiny bit of somno, threats, spanking, slapping

note. HAII :3 back on my femcel shit… god i rewrote this like 15 times and restarted over and over so i hate this 😭 it’s clunky so ignore any mistakes!!! feedback n rbs always so appreciated <3 was thinking of og4 leon but.. honestly idk atp !! anyway sorry again for the slow decrease in quality in this .. title has nothing to do w the fic ack ok bye :3

tumblr removes fics that use, for example, tw non-con and any nsfw tags in general from the tags. for this reason, as i’d like my fic to appear in the tags, please understand that this fic contains dark content under the cut. reading this comes at your own risk.

There are two things you want to get off your chest.

You are not, under any circumstances, ugly. Your face just takes getting used to. (This is a cope.)

You have a crush on your dad. No excuse for this one. Cupid is a conniving bastard. That’s that.

These might not seem like related issues, but they most certainly are because being ugly is hard, and having a crush on your dad is equally as hard.

You’re a sweet girl, you didn’t choose to come out ugly, it’s not your fault you turned out this way. It’s unfair, but ultimately no one meant for it to happen

(Well, you hope no one meant for it to happen unless someone had a vendetta against your mother and cursed her firstborn. She’s an irritating lady, you can see why someone would do so.)

You won’t even be the kind of below-average woman who marries a mediocre man to have mediocre sex to make mediocre kids to live in caustic mediocrity. You have one friend, she’s an online friend, and she might be a lonely old man. To be entirely honest you would prefer that. ‘Cause that would mean someone out there wants to creep on you.

If you weren’t ugly, having a crush on your dad would be socially acceptable. That’s why daddy-daughter porn spans pages and pages and pages of Pornhub. Everyone loves to watch a busty, blonde slut on her dad’s dick. If you didn’t have a crush on your dad, being ugly would be perfectly fine— No, that’s wrong.

Being ugly is never fine. Being ugly is on the same level as being a rapist. Being ugly in the presence of people who are objectively not ugly is, like, worse than being a rapist. ‘Cause all the dudes in high school were rapists in the making. Ted Bundy-style shit.

Grope an ugly bitch in the bathrooms and she wouldn’t speak up, and if she did— She just wouldn’t actually. Would be burnt at the stake Salem style. Hung. Crucifixion perhaps. Ugly girls aren’t good enough to die like martyrs did, however. Especially not ugly girls who cry wolf.

Why on God’s green earth would a hot guy go out of his way to slap a freaky-looking girl’s ass, right? Got girls lined up down the halls waiting for him to sign their perky tits, he doesn’t need to rape. It must be wishful thinking on her part, right? A wet dream she took as reality.

Why would you say that? Do you want to throw what he’s worked for down the drain? Accusations like this, they’re not jokes, y’know that? He’s got a scholarship, college wouldn’t take something like this so lightly.

Aw, you miss her. This goth chick in senior year. Your sorta friend. When it all went down and she had nowhere else to go, you invited her over because you’re a nice girl with no nefarious intentions. None at all. When she lay beside you at night, and she opened up, and she thanked you for believing her, you totally did not have your hand in your panties. And you totally did not rub yourself raw while she spoke about it in excruciating detail. You did not treat her rape case as erotica.

The dude got away with it of course. He was on TV the other day in fact. NFL. Baltimore Ravens. Still stupid hot. God, you wish it was you he picked - wouldn’t have told a single soul. Would’ve sucked the sweat from his jockstrap without complaint.

You’re too repulsive to be touched or raped, and you’ve learnt to live with that. Passing out in alleyways would result in rapists who frequent the area to avoid those very alleyways. Only your hand knows the cushiony softness of your tits, the wetness between your legs, how great your mouth feels— Only your dildo knows that, but you can imagine it’s good. You’re a total catch. A nympho. Men love nymphos when they’re pretty, which you are not. So you’re a nympho without the sex appeal. So in other words you are a pervert. A degenerate. A fucking freak.

It’s time to start sticking your fingers down your throat. ‘Cause that’s what gorgeous girls do to achieve that grave-robbed look. Heroin chic. Modelesque. It’s all the same type of beautiful. Emaciated and sickly. Dead girls are the sexiest ‘cause they can’t say yes or no and if there’s no no then it’s a yes. A nymphetic loophole of sorts. Men love dead girls that double as nymphos. Unfortunately, you are well and alive. Walking into traffic seems like fun, but you would be classed as roadkill, and it wouldn’t be tragically beautiful, just embarrassing to get scraped off the concrete like that. Even in death, you would be ugly because you are ugly to your very core. Your bone marrow is so ugly no scientist would want to make stem cells out of it, polynucleotides so deformed— You’re ugly. No need to wax poetic about it. Nothing poetic about being ugly.

Dad is the closest a human being can get to perfection. A divine image. Michelangelo is, like, dead and gone. David should've died alongside him. Dad deserves to take his place in the Accademia Gallery. With the way people gawk at him, he might as well be art. You’re surprised he doesn’t sell tickets to merely exist in his presence. He’s hot like a Calvin Klein model, and mom is hot like a regular model. Due to how you’ve turned out, you have a few qualms with your mother.

Like, what the fuck happened to you in her womb? Did someone take a mallet to one side of her belly to ensure her child came out as asymmetrical as one can be? A lack of nutrients maybe? Was she dieting during the pregnancy? Did dad fuck her too hard? Busted her womb up or some shit.

It simply might be that two rights make a wrong.

Or you were a tester before she popped your siblings out. Little ichor-filled putto. They were child models, scouted in their diapers, and you would stand behind your mother and the cameraman so hurt you couldn’t even feel jealous. Now they’re all grown up, fully-fledged erotes, and they’re working and doing all this shit you still haven’t managed to get a grasp on. Navigating the world as an ugly bitch is terribly hard.

Rape kinks are developed, dads get crushed on - awful, terrible things happen when girls are ugly and alone and unable to leave the comfort of their bedrooms.

Pretty girls have daddy issues that are dealt with in standard pretty girl fashion - finding emotionally unavailable, salt-and-pepper-haired men to fill every hole, including the one in their doll hearts. The thing is pretty girls don’t go for their dads. ‘Cause a lot of the time dads are gross. Dads do not look like your dad does. And to be fair you don’t exactly have daddy issues. Your dad is present and he doesn’t hit or shout or do anything out of the norm. Maybe this is a you issue.

It is a you issue, not even an ugly girl issue or an any type of girl issue. It’s your issue and yours alone.

It is your issue that when Leon asks what you want for dinner you almost ask for his hand around your throat or his hand in marriage. Either would be fine. Both would be preferred.

Severing your relationship would be even better. Goddamn, girls with absent fathers are lucky. You wish he was anything but your dad— It’s just that if you weren’t his daughter, dad wouldn’t ever look your way, he would pass by you like every man does.

Dad is a busy guy, and he’s a strange guy in the sense that he’s never really bothered with you. He loves your sister, and he loves your brother. But everyone loves those two. You don’t think he likes you very much, you can deal with that. Doesn’t mean you have daddy issues ‘cause no one likes you very much. So it’s a you issue and you should try harder.

Leon’s home early today. He’s collapsed on the couch, withered into himself like he always is after business trips. Mom said not to disturb him. You don’t. Then you do. This is like crack to you. Dad.

More specifically, dad without mom hovering over him. Dad’s sleeping so your brain is not stewed by his intense gaze. It only ever lingers on you for merely a second, but your stomach flips like you’ve got appendicitis and your legs spread involuntarily.

He’s a light sleeper, you’re well aware. He’s also a living, breathing Ken doll so you don’t put much thought into it when you reach out to ghost your fingers along the bridge of his nose. So pointy it could pierce your clit. Your clit. His nose. Oh, it could work so well, you want to grind yourself to mush against it.

Until dad shifts, he’s so beautiful up close you almost forget he’s real, not a wax figure. You trace the straight edge of his jaw, then thumb his petal lips, dragging your pointer finger over the fuller bottom one to push the tip into his wet mouth. Your dad is a slut. ‘Cause he sucks for a good second or two. Heat licks at your insides. You might vomit. His spit glistens like cobwebs when you take it back. That hand is shoved down your pants. That finger finds your clit, uses what spit is left to get it nice and wet. Which is totally unneeded, you’ve been soaked since god knows when, your pussy doesn’t know when to quit.

Feels good knowing that a part of dad is in you, his spit pushed into your hole. You’ll give him something back, it’s only fair, you smear your slick on the spot you traced. His tongue pokes out, likely to combat dry mouth, it swipes along his bottom lip— He tastes you. Heat engulfs you, chars your body from the inside out, the scent of rotting meat is in your nostrils.

Dad tasted you.

Holy fuck. You sit there with a trembling smile, staring down at him and he does not rouse. Shit, you’re creepy and you know it, but you’re not stupid. What other chance do you have? You unzip his old shearling jacket, underneath is that compression shirt that fits him too well. You map out the ridges of his abs, the slight dip between his pecs, every hard line that makes up his body. He smells so sexy, lavender and leather, must be some sorta pheromone ‘cause all you want to do is drop your face into his tits to bathe in that scent, to have it stick to your skin. Shit. Holy fucking shit. You’ve got a sex doll instead of a dad. That explains the distantness. He’s made of silicone.

The door clicks the moment you find it in yourself to click open his belt.

“What're you doing?” Mom ruins everything. She’s had it out for you the moment you formed in her womb. “He’s sleeping, don’t disturb him.” She says tersely, placing her Coach Tabby on the coffee table.

“He was cold.” That’s why his nipples are peaking, piercing the fabric of that shirt. Should be illegal to wear that in public. He’s asking for it.

“Yeah?” She asks, unconvinced, bending down to unclasp her heels.

“Yeah.” You stand up, dad’s indirect kiss on your cunt, shoot her a nasty sneer before you scuttle away to your bedroom for the rest of the day.

There are stairs that creak and stairs that don’t. You hang around down here at midnight often so you know the right path to take as to not alert your parents of your presence. They’re speaking about you.

“—be careful around her.” Truly, you hate your mother.

“What is there to be careful about?” Right? You tell her dad.

“Just, just be careful. She doesn’t y’know.”

“She doesn’t what?”

“She doesn’t get off her ass, she doesn’t talk to anyone but, well, I don’t know actually, she doesn’t talk to anyone at all.” You could pretend and say it hurts, but it doesn’t. There’s nothing insulting about the truth.

“What’s that got to do with me?”

“You’re a guy, she doesn't talk to guys.”

“We don’t talk much either.” Dad is too stiff to make conversation, and you collapse anytime he breathes in your general direction.

“Yeah, but, Leon.” Mom sounds exasperated, but she’s not getting her point across well. She should know better, dad’s skull is thicker than cement. “I’m worried.”

“What, for me or her?”

“Her, obviously, I don’t want her to… I want her to get out, like, I want her to do stuff,” mom sniffles, she is so putting this on to make dad feel guilty. “It’s so hard to watch your adult daughter just sit in a room and do nothing all day, Leon, she’s like a big fucking baby, why is she like that?”

“Babe,” he coos, and your knees buckle.

“Go talk to her.”

“What?”

“Go talk to her about it,” Mom repeats, voice shaking. “She doesn’t listen to me.”

They go back and forth for a few minutes, and then dad sighs and says fine. You make haste back to your hovel that doubles as a bedroom, crawl into bed and try to look natural.

Leon clears his throat before he knocks, when you don’t answer he pokes his head in. He says your name and you stir, sheets taut to your body as you peek up at him.

“You should open a window in here.”

When you don’t respond, he sits at the foot of your bed, looks around and nods. His gaze is scathing. Not purposefully. You just take it that way.

“Dinner’s ready,” he lies, then he leaves. His perfume lingers, and you touch the space he was sitting in, his warmth remains.

The day after that, you’re in the living room, tuckered out after mom forced you to help her with the groceries. You’re not cut out for this sort of life. The living sort of life. You were made to rot.

“Door wasn’t locked,” Leon says when he steps in, he puts his keys down, shucks his jacket off, tracks mud halfway down the hall and into the kitchen.

“Your shoes, Leon,” Mom groans, “she came in last.”

“Oh, sorry,” you say absentmindedly. If it doesn’t include tits or dicks or pussy it is none of your business. You have enough energy to keep up with one thing and that is your porn addiction. Groceries really took it out of you.

“You should be careful, rapists might come in, murderers or some shit.” Leon is speaking to your mother. Not you because he has seen your face and he knows very well that an ugly girl like you would survive out of sheer ugliness.

Mom snorts, “I think you’re the scariest thing that could walk through that door, honey.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, huh?”

You’d like to know what that means too. Well, you get the gist, ‘cause you’ve heard all those stories. Dad and his wandering hands.

“You know what that means.” The sound of lips smacking is enough to have you feeling sick, dizzy as you cling to the walls and make your escape. “Did she leave— Quit it, Leon— Hands off, can you go talk to her, please? Properly this time.”

He forgets to knock this time, or he can’t bother to knock. Dad sits in that same spot, he opens his mouth and closes it about five times.

“Mom’s worried about you,” Leon says robotically. “You good?”

“I’m great.” Your tone is unconvincing, but he clearly doesn’t care enough because you're his dirty little secret. Not in a sex way. You would do anything for it to be in the sex way. Dirty little secret as in the ugly kid he chooses to ignore purely because you’re ugly. Dad doesn’t like ugly girls, you know that. He doesn’t think they’re worth a second glance, even a first glance is too much. Dad is superficial and his love is plastic.

These are all things you’re making up in your head based on assumptions. This is how all attractive men think. Ugly girls aren’t worth rape, dirtying your dick in ugly pussy sounds like a hassle. If you were pretty, you wouldn’t fuck an ugly guy. Even as a self-proclaimed ugly girl, you still wouldn’t fuck an ugly guy ‘cause they’re gross, and it’s not like they want you. Ugly guys shoot high and aim for pretty girls. Duh.

So you get it. Honestly. Whatever. Dad doesn’t like you. That’s okay, you don’t like him as a dad anyway. You love him like an obsessive lover. A hallway crush that stars in your late-night rape fantasies. And you’re fine like this. You’re so fine.

“Can I… Can I actually have a hug, dad?” You muster up what is left in your hollow heart to ask him that. It’s a big deal.

Leon blinks at you, levels you with his blank stare. He’s so handsome you want to blow your brains out, it’s an easy feat because you’re always looking for reasons to blow your brains out. Every straw is your last and yet you’re still here.

“Sure, sweetheart.” Dad opens his arms, and you crawl towards him, head on his shoulder as his arms loop around your waist. Oh, god, you will your heart into giving out. Dying right here in dad’s arms is ideal.

He holds you so gently it’s brutal. He crushes you with the weight of his loveless love. Dad’s so good at pretending you almost think he cares.

“Can you… I want to stay like this.”

“Uh, sure, sweetheart,” Leon calls everyone sweetheart. Sweetheart is his default. Sweetheart ranges from Auntie Ashley to babysitters to lifeguards and retail workers who aren’t getting paid enough to deal with some old man making eyes at them. Not that anyone minds dad’s attention. It’s fucking unfair. Mom is babe, and your sister is baby, and your brother is buddy or sport or tiger or whatever shit he pulls out of his ass. And you’re sweetheart because you’re not important to him. His firstborn daughter is not important to him ‘cause she’s ugly. More of a specimen than a human.

You would do anything to keep him here.

“Dad?” You whisper into his neck.

“…Yeah?”

“I want you to…” Your lack of life flashes in front of your eyes. Bedroom. Bedroom. Porn. Bedroom. Porn. Porn. Dad. Not much. What have you got to lose? “I want to— I want to fuck you.”

Dad is silent. Then: “Oh.” He never makes the move to pull away, so you sit snugly in his grip for a few seconds longer.

“I— Dad, I touch myself thinkin’ about you.” Your stomach ties itself into a Gordian knot.

“Yeah, okay, why don’t we— Yeah, fuck, I see what she meant, okay. Wow, that’s a lot. Sweetheart, why… Listen.” Dad says a whole lot of nothing as he takes your hands off him.

“Please… I love you, dad. I really like you— I know it’s weird, dad, I do, seriously, I know, but please I just… I just like you.” There is no explanation for it. “Dad… Daddy.”

He full-on winces. It’s like you’re being flayed. Something inside of you just— Just shatters. Not your heart ‘cause it’s pumping more blood than it ever has. Fragments of your sanity splinter into even smaller segments until there is nothing left but nauseating levels of mental disturbance.

“If you don’t…”

“You seriously trying that right now?” Leon scoffs, and he’s so cocky you get hot under the collar.

(Between your thighs too, but that’s a different story.)

“Yeah, I’m serious— If you don’t… If you don’t do it- do it with me, I’ll tell mom you… I’ll tell her you raped me.” In actuality, you would never tell mom if daddy raped you. You would treasure it, keep it in a heart-shaped locket and think about it when you get off twelve times a day. Getting your pussy reamed by dad’s cock would fix you right up.

“Don’t— Are you okay?” Leon smacks your hand away, his tone is even.

“You do it too— I know you’ve done it, I know how you and mom met.”

His face drains, pallor yellowish. “That don’t… That’s different.”

“How is that any different?” Different ‘cause he’s hot and mom is hot. Leon passed it off as a drunken mistake and they end up getting together. It’s not rape if the perpetrator is a hottie. You agree, but still— It’s not fucking fair.

“‘Cause I didn’t do this.” Leon gestures abstractly.

You kiss him, hands braced on each of his tits, digging your fingers into the meat to feel him tense and harden like he’s wearing a chest plate. “You’re so hot dad,” you whine into his mouth, and Leon is quick to push you off, your wrists in his hands. Makeshift handcuffs.

“Listen, sweetheart,” Dad is using his dad voice. It’s like porn to you, only makes you wetter. “I don’t like hitting girls, but you’re givin’ me a damn good reason.”

“You can hit me, daddy.” You offer your face to him, stretching your neck forward, closing your eyes as you wait for the impact. It lands firm on your cheek, his fingertips catching the tip of your nose. Fuck that felt good. Shit. You think you’ve creamed your panties. “Again, dad, hit me again—“ He does. Harder than the last time. Your head knocks backwards, and your brain must have a dent in it.

Dad puts you over his lap and you’re so sure you’ve entered the pearly gates. Or the innermost circle of hell. Probably that ‘cause Jesus Christ are you steaming.

“I hate stupid little sluts that try it out on me,” Leon drags your sweats over the swell of your ass, “Do you have a dick?”

“What, dad— No!” You tell him, more mortified at his question than you are by your bare ass under his palm. Fuck— You’re so wet it’s disgusting, dripping down your thighs and surely staining his lap. Thick like treacle.

“No? Were you gonna rape dad with this stupid cunt?” Oh, you hope he spanks your pussy. Porn makes it look delicious. “You look like you might have a dick with that face of yours.” He traces the seam of your cunt through your panties. “Or is your pussy just fat?”

Good fucking lord.

“Dad…” You arch into him, only to have a hand come down on your left ass cheek. One. Two. Three. They all hurt bad as each other. Four. “Ouch!” That one hurt real bad. Five. You feel like a naughty child. This is not as hot as you thought it would be. More dull and embarrassing. Not even the good kind of embarrassing.

Leon puts you on your knees, the hand wrapped around your jaw forces your lips into a pout, and you think he is going to kiss you— God, you close your eyes and wait for it, lean into him, shit you’d pop your leg if you were standing up. He spits in your face and it trickles down the bridge of your nose.

“Got me dirty with that filthy pussy.” Dad speaks offhandedly, he speaks to you like you’re dog shit. Not dog shit stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Just dog shit on the side of the road. Like the sort that bothers you enough to complain about it, but it doesn’t ignite any real anger.

His hand remains tight on your jaw, then he drops it to fish his fat cock from his pants to slap the drippy head on your cheek. The sound ricochets off the walls. Hits you like a bullet. Holy fuck. Dad really just did that. You giggle, batting your lashes up at him as pretty as an ugly girl can, and he grimaces so it can’t be pretty.

“Christ, you nasty fuck,” Leon snickers at the look on your face, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Daddy,” you whimper, nosing the tip of his dick, he smells so good you want him in your mouth, “I jus’ love you lots.”

“God, I hate ugly little freaks like you.” He said that already, no need to rub it in. Another slap of his cock on your face. Your heart beats for him and him alone. “You know what I think?” Dad guides his cock into your warm mouth. “Shit, that’s good— I think your mom is a liar.”

His dick is all you’ve ever wanted. It’s heavy on your tongue, though the longer you suckle on the tip, the weightier it gets, and he’s wet. Dripping all over the place. You must get that gene from your dad.

“‘Cause I don’t think,” he grunts, palm resting on your forehead to push you off his shaft, “I don’t think I could make a kid this ugly.”

“No,” you say breathlessly, “No, you’re my dad, my daddy.” Crouched down below him, you lave over his balls, putting more effort into this than you have done with anything else in your life. Gargling dad’s balls is your best work. Nothing else you have to be proud of.

Your pussy is pulsing, shit has its own heartbeat, you drop your hand down to soothe your poor cunt, rubbing figure eights into the bulge of your clit over your panties. It’s not enough, you push them to the side, your fingers slip a couple times, not enough, only dad’s fingers are enough, only his cock will plug up your leaking hole.

“Get off me,” dad instructs, and you might be glued to him, but you detach yourself immediately. “C’mon, stand up.” You use his thighs as leverage, standing on shaky legs that threaten to give out at any second. He takes your shirt off. “Cute tits gone to waste,” dad sighs like it’s heartbreaking. “We could've done something about it, y’know? Could fix your face right up, just had to ask daddy.”

“Really, dad? I want to be pretty, daddy, I want to be pretty for you, you never call me pretty— Daddy, I want to be pretty, please.” You clasp his shirt, and he brings you into his lap once more, raising your legs to slide your panties down so you’re free bleeding on his lap. Free bleeding without the blood. Just good old pussy.

“Messin’ with you, sweetheart, can’t fix that dog face,” dad coos to you tenderly, and the plain-as-day insult flies right over you. Dad could get you to sell both your kidneys if he keeps talking to you like that. “Just gotta live with it.”

You have. You have lived with it. That’s what you do. Live with your ugly face. You could die, that’s an option, but you choose to wait it out. ‘Cause dying is pretty scary no matter how much you want it. And Leon’s dick is hard beneath your pussy so there are things to live for. The world isn’t all cruel.

“Up,” he taps your lower back, you raise your hips and he presses his cock to your stretched hole. Toy after toy after toy. All to ready yourself for dad. When you sink down on him, your body convulses. It’s the sweet release of death. Or an orgasm. Fuck. Dying on dad’s cock is— You haven’t died on his dick, he fucks you through your high, feet planted firmly on the ground as he thrusts upwards, dick angled just right.

Heroin is meant to be good. You’ve seen Trainspotting. Better than any cock— You don’t believe that for a minute. Unless he’s leaking smack straight into your pussy, numbing your walls. Could be that ‘cause god— You’re not really thinking, not that you think much, when you decide to shove your fingers into his mouth.

“Daddy, can you taste me?” You ask him, giving a languid grind of your hips down onto his cock, you regret it immediately ‘cause it’s so good your cunt squelches loudly. “Do you taste me, dad? Dad—“

“Yeah,” Dad says, muffled, “Shoving your fingers down my fuckin’ throat, you little psycho, ‘course I taste it.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Daddy looks so pretty with his lips wrapped around your fingers, you fuck them in and out of his pink mouth, his tongue runs along the length of your fingers like he’s sucking a nice cock. Treating your fingers better than you did his dick.

Daddy’s splitting you in two. He fucks you without a care in the world. ‘Cause he doesn’t care about you. One-time-use pussy. You’re disposable like the gloves you get with box dye. Like a plastic spork. His cock is so deep he might as well tear open your middle and fuck your guts. Leon grabs your hips, forces you up and drops you down. The air in your lungs has no time to build up— You grasp at his shirt, bouncing in his lap like you’re a fleshlight, and you would be so happy with that title. Dad’s personal fleshlight. It makes you giddy.

Leon’s cock twitches inside of you, when he lifts you off of him, your pussy clings to the tip, holding on for dear life, insistent on milking daddy’s dick, taking every drop of his cum.

“Daddy…” Your head drops to his shoulder. “Please, daddy, am I pretty? Can you call me pretty?”

His hips stutter, and you don’t have to see his face to know he hesitates. It’s a struggle to call a girl like you pretty. “You’re so pretty, sweetheart.” Then he dumps his load so deep— So deep, you warm to the thought of having your daddy’s baby. You already fucked so why not go the extra mile?

Dad doesn’t kiss you, but he lays you down and tucks you in like he never has before. “Your mom’s worried.” He goes back to the topic at hand and you groan, covering your face with a pillow. “Hey, we can, uh…” Leon scratches his head. “We can y’know…” He shrugs, glances down at you. “Can do that if you try pulling your weight a little.”

The promise of your dad’s cock is enough to have you applying for every job in a thirty-mile radius. Dad’s cock is a fix for an ugly girl like you. You’ve got a pussy only your daddy could love, and you think you’re more than okay with that.

#leon s kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x you #leon s kennedy smut #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy imagine #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy smut #resident evil smut #resident evil x reader #resident evil x you

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i-love-southpark-milfs69 · 8 months

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Gregstophe is technically canon and here's why:

Ok so Christophe and Gregory are based on the characters Enjolras(Gregory) and Grantaire (Christophe) from "les miserables"

Ok now you're probably thinking "ok cool fact but what does this have to do with them being together?"

THE FACT IS THAT GRANTAIRE WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ENJOLRAS IN THE MOVIE AND NOVEL TECHNICALLY MAKING CHRISTOPHE DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH GREGORY SINCE THEY WERE BASED ON THEM

HELL EVEN THE ACTORS WHO PLAYED ENJOLRAS AND GRANTAIRE ARE LITERALLY MARRIED IN REAL FUCKING LIFE

(I'm so happy for them SKSKS)

BUT ANYWAYS this sparks up a new theory for me *throat clearing sound*

WHAT IF Gregory and Christophe WERE dating but they had a fight and broke up (you know like how 10 years olds break up every time they get into small fight and then get back together like two days later I like to imagine there were like that for a while until they got older) and as attempt to make Christophe jealous so they would become boyfriends again...he started "dating" wendy which would explain why he didn't put a giant fight when she left him for stan and omfg then after finding out Christophe temporarily died due to being fatally attacked by dogs they had a big ass fight about Gregory not being there but it ended with them getting back together and promising eachother not to break up anymore......,....and then they get married just like Enjolras and Grantaire ahbswhwhd

OH and fun fact: The song "la Resistance" from South Park: B.L.U.C. is a parody of "one day more" from les miserables

Ok but anyways thanks for coming to my Ted talk good bye and have a wonderful day 👋

I love these two so much 🟩🟧

#Milfy talks #fuck I have to stop procrastinating man #south park #south park headcanons #sp gregory #sp gregory of yardale #sp ze mole #sp christophe #sp christophe delorne #les mierables #gregstophe #Gregory x ze mole #gregory x christophe #Christophe x Gregory

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sharksplats · 3 months

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adding to my previous post... i Think more people need to pay attention to Hanako being shorter than Yashiro y'know!?!? it always makes me a little upset (not in a serious way! a silly way) when people draw Hanako taller, and why??

because Hanako being shorter (and younger!) than Yashiro makes their relationship cuter . how? because Hanako is NOT Yashiro's type! Yashiro likes taller and older than her guys, and Hanako is not any of those things! but she still falls in Love w him!!! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

Yashiro mentions many times how Hanako is not her type, how she doesn't like that he's shorter than her! but as you know, she ends up liking him anyways

so yea.. hanako being shorter in fanart is very important to me ok... I don't play abt hananene heights... /j

well, that's it!!! thanks for coming to my ted talk . i hope This post makes u all realize this cute little fact that I've never seen ppl pay attention to, buh bye!!!

#tbhk #tbhk hanako #tbhk yashiro #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #hananene #my sillies.. i luv them so much #i think this counts as a rant aha #hanako x yashiro #hanako x nene

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thatssomecore · 2 months

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Lets talk about Hip Hedgehog

It has come to my attention the most people don’t like baby Hip from Sonic Underground. If you have no idea who Im taking about this is hip

This Hip the Hedgehog, other wise know as “the ugly sonic baby”. Yes, it is true that he has a horrible design, but how on earth is that his fault? Look, I know what makes you uncomfortable is the bare hands, feeling and weird face thing. But even so he does have a few cute frames in his episode

(I mean look at him with the drum stick 🥺🥺🥺) Yes, his one and only episodes, because for those of you who don’t know HE LITERALLY DIES AND MANIC STARTS CRYING AND OMG ITS SO SAD 😭. Ok so Hip is technically a robot made by Eggman but though the whole episode we see if ack on he's on own, make his own opinions, and even go against what Eggman wants him to do. Leading me to believe he had his own AI system, making him sentient. And if you don’t believe me, watch the episode, the kid shows so much emotion! More emotion than any robot could.

Thank you for coming to my Hip the Hedgehog ted talk. Here the episode if anyone is interested :). Ok bye 😊

youtube

#sonic underground #sonic the hedgehog #sonic #manic the hedgehog #manic #hip the hedgehog #Sonic baby #Justice for Hip #I love him so much #I will fix you character design #let the world see you like I do baby 🥺#Youtube

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my-soupy-brain · 10 months

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Hey! I just wanted to say I love your writing! I have a request that maybe you could explore some? I’d love to know if Ted would be into plus size/ curvier women? Being an American from the south, maybe he’s all about it ? I totally imagine him as a boob guy

As a "cushiony" girl myself, I applaud the HELL out of this prompt. And I think Ted, specifically, is the type of man who'd love it. First, he falls in love with PEOPLE, not bodies. But second, he'd love having someone to snuggle up to and hold and be warm with. Let's goooo!

---

Relationship: Ted Lasso x reader (f)

Warning: Light smut

---

Your first week at Nelson Road was...intense.

Orientation is one thing. Getting to know the team and the staff is another.

Working in an office with a super model, now that's a whole bag of things on its own.

The first month went by without a hitch. You got the hang of things. People were starting to know your name.

Your second month, you and Keeley had become mates. Going out for coffee, girl-talking together. You got to spend more time with Rebecca Welton, the owner of the team, and she was a walking goddess that made you feel seen.

"You're quite funny, y/n," she said one day, enjoying tea (and your coffee) in her office. "What a breath of fresh air you bring to the office."

As you smile and thank her, Ted Lasso walks in the room, whistling a tune.

"Oh, I'm sorry, didn't know I was interrupting girl talk, I'll come back later," he mutters, looking around nervously.

"Ted! Don't be silly. Have you had a chance to meet y/n yet?" Rebecca starts, her hand motioning to you on the couch.

"I, ah, think we met my first week. But that was ages ago it feels like," you stammer, offering your hand. "I'm y/n. It's great to meet you, Coach Lasso."

"Aw, please, call me Ted. Ain't no need for formalities," he says, smiling wide.

Your eyes sparkle at him. He's so handsome. Built like a real man, tall and broad. His hair styled neatly, a combed and trimmed mustache. His sweater is rolled up at the elbows, showing off his muscular forearms.

"y/n was just telling us about her first time drinking tea here," Keeley jokes. "Had the same reaction you did."

"You didn't like it, huh?" he asked. You shake your head. "No. Spit it out all over the shopkeep where I picked up my first cup, sad to say. It was no McDonald's coffee burn, but I'm sure it didn't feel good."

Ted laughs at this, getting the McDonald's reference.

"Well shoot, nice to have another American around the office," he says brightly. He offers his hand again. "I'll see ya around. Bye, ladies!"

When he leaves you blush. You try to tamp it down though because whatever would you offer a man like him?

As weeks go by though, you and Ted get along. You both like coffee, so big win there. You both love barbecue, and he's over the moon to talk about it with someone who appreciates it like he does. You share similar tastes in movies, music... you name it.

One day, Ted stops by your office to ask some questions about a promotion for the team you and Keeley are working on.

As you spin around to greet him, your blouse catches on the corner of your filing cabinet, and the chest pops open a couple buttons.

"Oh, shit!" you exclaim, but before you can crouch to pick them off the floor, Ted's already at your feet.

When he finds them, he kneels and his eyes track from your ankles to your curvy torso to your chest -- which is now a bit open with a lacy red bra underneath, holding your ample breasts. And then your eye line. You almost snicker to see he's blushing.

"Uh, here ya go, miss," he offers, placing the buttons in your hand.

You realize your blouse is still hanging open, and you quickly clutch it.

"I'm so sorry, Ted, that was my fault," you stammer, avoiding his eyes. He can sense your nerves.

"It's OK, y/n. Honest. Maybe those buttons just weren't up for the job anymore," he jokes, his hands in his pockets. You laugh with him.

"Say, some of us are goin' out to Crown & Anchor tonight for a drink, you wanna join us? Get a real taste for club gossip?"

You smile widely. "I'd love that."

...

By the end of the workday, you're eager to grab a drink and unwind. You've safety-pinned your blouse for the time being, and while the fabric strains, it seems to work.

"Why don't you just ask her out," you overhear Beard chiding.

"Naw, a woman like that ain't go nothin' she wants with me," Ted says, waving him off. Your stomach drops a little at who the lucky lady might be. When Ted sees you approaching, he hushes Beard's conversation.

"y/n! Glad you could make it! Slide on in," he says, making room in his booth.

You sit down and take a breath. "Good to be here. Where's everyone else?"

Beard points to an area where folks are dancing. "Roy and Keeley are hittin' the dance floor," Beard says with a laugh. "Amateurs."

You look quizzically at him and then at Ted.

"Thanks again for finding my buttons. I appreciate the emergency help," you joke. Ted nods and takes a drink of his beer. "No problem."

Beard stands up and stretches. "Well, I gotta call Jane. She wants to go to some planetarium tonight and take mushrooms. I told her I'd be her watch."

Ted chuckles, always a new story with Jane. Beard makes eyes at Ted, as if to encourage him into something. Ted shakes his head quickly but quietly so you don't see. But you do.

"See ya later, Beardo," Ted says, and you wave goodbye.

When Ted turns to you, his arm is over the back of the booth, and it feels intimate in a way you didn't expect, your heart hammering in your chest a little.

Ted takes a breath, and you smile at him warmly.

"Do you wanna dance?" Ted asks. "It's been many years for my two left feet but you look so nice, I feel like I should show ya off."

You blush wildly, and take another drink of your cocktail. "I'd love to."

Ted leads you both to the dance floor, where Keeley and Roy have peeled off somewhere else, probably making out in an alley. Good for them.

You're not a great dancer but you have fun together when the Electric Slide comes on. Ted's eyes watching your ass, the way you shake your hips, the way your breasts bounce in your blouse. He adjusts the neck of his sweater as he warms up.

"You can feel it, it's electric!" you sing along, laughing with him.

When the song ends and a slow song comes on, you wipe the sweat from your brow and start to leave the dance floor, but Ted grabs your hand and pulls you back.

"One more?" he asks.

You blush and accept, feeling a little self-conscious to have his hands on your wider, fleshy hips. As you sway together, your hands around his neck, he stands closer, leaning into your ear and you shiver.

"You're beautiful, you know," he whispers with a deep Kansas drawl. "I don't think you know how beautiful you are."

Your heart is galloping in your chest.

"Before you got here, Beard was tryin' to convince me to ask ya out, but I was intimidated," he starts. You pull back and look in his eyes.

"How in the world would a man like you be intimidated by me?" you ask, truly curious and confused.

Ted quirks a smile under his mustache.

"Because you're gorgeous. Funny as all heck. Smart as a whip. Great taste in food, movies AND music. You've got a great laugh. Kind, and now I find you're a great dancer," he says quietly. "You check all of ol' Ted's boxes."

You smile as you lean closer to him.

"I... thought you were devastatingly handsome when I met you. And getting to know you has only made my crush ten thousand times worse," you say with a giggle. His hands hold you closer, drifting down to the curve of your ass.

"Crush, huh?" he teases. "Well, would ya look at that? Two people crushin' on each other like a couple 'a lovestruck teenagers."

Your fingers brush through the hair on the back of his head now, and he holds you closer.

"I haven't stopped thinkin' about what happened earlier," he whispers again, his voice lower and huskier. "How gorgeous you probably are under all those clothes. Those curves and that soft skin..."

Your lips let out a little moan, the traitors they are.

"Ya wanna go back to my place?" Ted asks a little desperately. As your thigh brushes against him, you can feel his excitement. You nod. "I would like that."

...

You're two steps in the door before he's got his arms around you, leaning in to kiss you properly. His hands coast down your sides, the dip of your waist and your fleshy hips, which he squeezes in a way that makes him groan into your mouth.

"Oh, sugar, I...I don't know what to do with myself," he says with a chuckle. "You've got the body of a goddess."

You shake your head but he grabs your chin to stop you.

"No, honey. I'm serious."

You can't help grabbing his face and kissing him harder. Holding him tighter. Needing him closer.

Your hands make work of the safety pins on your blouse, and the rest of your in-tact buttons, before his hands take over for you.

"I wanna do this, I've been dyin' to see the rest of what's under here," he breathes out. When he slides it off your shoulders, he walks you both back to his bedroom, where you both are in a more dire rush to remove clothes.

The skirt goes, then the heels. The sweater, the undershirt, until you climb into bed and he's hovering over you. You reach to turn off the lamp but he stops you.

"I can turn it off if ya want, sweetheart, but I'd much prefer being able to see ya," he says, leaning in to nibble the soft skin of your neck, down to your chest and the swell of your breasts.

You decide to relent, because Ted Lasso makes you feel desired. He wants this as much as you want this.

...

In the morning, you wake to a dreary London day, and Ted snuggled up behind you, his hand on your hip. As you stir, it coasts up and down, then reaches over to your tummy, then to your breasts, then to your shoulder, and then back down to your hip.

"Mmm," he says, his lips curled into a smile with his eyes still closed.

"Nothin' better than wakin' up with a perfect woman in your bed," he mumbles. You smile, turning to look at him.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm," he says, his hazel eyes opening as he looks at you. "Those eyes, those thighs. Those lips, those hips," he says, leaning in to kiss you softly.

Your eyes feel like they could cry at his words of love and affirmation. His hands travel your body, squeezing and caressing along the way.

"I can't stop touchin' you, darlin'," he laughs to himself. "I just can't. If ya want me to, let me know because I'm basically glued to ya at this point."

You shake your head. "I love it. I never... thought I'd get a chance to..."

He stops you and smiles. "To what? Blow my mind? Turn me into a horny teenager again? Make me never wanna leave this bed?"

His hands go back to work, massaging your body and touching everything he can. You laugh at this, smiling and leaning into his lips.

"I really, really like you y/n," he says quietly, looking into your eyes, tucking a loose strand of hair over your ear.

"I really, really like you Ted Lasso," you answer.

He leans in to kiss your lips gently, smiling, and pulling you close to his chest so he can keep his hands on you.

"I owe Beardo some money," Ted mutters against your hair, his hand on your breast, touching it gently.

"Why's that?"

"He bet me we'd work out, and I bet him I'd chicken out," he answers. "He won."

---

This was longer than I expected but it felt so personal and cute to write. I appreciate this prompt -- and I do think Ted would love this. Love holding you, touching you, all of it. Thanks for the prompt, friend!

#ted lasso x reader #ted lasso smut #ted lasso fluff #ted lasso fanfiction #ted lasso fanfic #ted loves a woman's body full stop #he's alllllll about it

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nyoomfruits · 10 months

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Can someone, ANYONE, write a Lestappen and Landoscar fic where Max, as Lando’s best friend, notices right away how different Lando acts around Oscar and is immediately like “look Charles LOOK he’s in LOVE.” And Charles is like no?? Bc our poor Monegasque disaster is oblivious as always, and Max has to point out how Charles never noticed that Max was in love with him and Charles is like “yeah ok fair point but also that’s because you constantly looked like you were going to murder me.”

But anyway, Max KNOWS Lando, and he knows Lando is never usually shy around anyone, especially his teammates, and he’s never usually protective of those he cares about (usually people are protective of him). But with Oscar he is so clearly smitten and awkward bc he LIKES HIM, and Max can see all the little ways Lando goes out of his way to try to impress him.

So Charles continues to insist that Lando is merely being friendly with Oscar, until one day — maybe an Alpine team member makes a shitty comment about Oscar (let’s pretend there’s still bad blood there), and Lando goes FERAL. Or one day Logan flirts with Oscar as childhood best friends can sometimes do, and Lando’s just in the corner seething. And Charles and Max witness this and finally Charles is like yeah ok the boy is SO GONE.

And Max is like I TOLD YOU SO and proceeds to be very smug about being right. And obviously Oscar is equally smitten with Lando but Lando is just as oblivious as Charles.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk this FLEW out of me. You and that other anon had me thinking of every precious dynamic between these two and just… I’m obsessed with them. Anyway we need more Landoscar fics thanks bye.

OH MY GOD ANON I'M SO !!!! THANK YOU FOR THIS

charles being both oblivious to max's feelings towards him and also to lando having the BIGGEST MOST MASSIVE CRUSH EVER on oscar is. very in character actually. it's giving 'charles not realizing alex changed his hair even though is was PLATINUM BLOND before'.

also!!!!!!! the lando being super protective yes!!!!!! this is literally the reason i have 'smithereens' by twenty one pilots in my landoscar playlist like these boys are so soft for each other but they will FIGHT anyone that threatens the other lmao (for you, i know, i would get messed up, weigh 153. LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME)

also oscar just quietly pining in the background while all this is going on what a mood. dude has no idea what's going on he's just in love with lando and that's okay. like. lando realizes he's in love with oscar and has a three day panic about it where he calls max at like four in the morning yelling "WAIT SHIT DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS" meanwhile oscar realizes he's in love with lando and he's like. "oh. yeah. makes sense" and just goes on with his day. doesn't really expect anything to come of it. god these two i'm SO-

also also max and charles just coming up with these increasingly elaborate plans to just get lando and oscar to TALK because if they just TALK AOBUT THEIR FEELINGS everything will be FINE but they underestimate lando's absolute RELUCTANCE to talk about his feelings ever and oscar just being like "yeah this is a thing i'm dealing with but i'm not bothering lando with it are you kidding me???"

eventually max and charles just give up and that's when oscar and lando FINALLY have A Moment lmao

OH ALSO!!!! regarding your wish for more landoscar fics: i am actually posting one tonight!!!!

#let me tell you this was a DELIGHT to wake up to this morning #landoscar #mctwinks

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