#really truly and genuinely just don't want to exist right now every time i think this situation cannot get worse it somehow manages to

[venturelovebot]

A/N: This took me longer than I wanted it to but it's finally done! That means there's only one fic left to finish before I open up requests again. :•) Enjoy!

Premise: Depressed!GN!Reader finds out they're not as worthless as they think they are.

Warnings: None! Pure fluff.

You scribbled on the corner of the page to test your ink pen.

I have to vacuum the floor again soon. Dishes need to be done again today. I don't know what I want to make for dinner. More chores need to be done tomorrow. Is it even worth it anymore?

You pause. Every entry from the start of this week looked exactly the same. Flipping through the pages you notice that the beginning entries aren't much different either. Seems like every day has turned monotonous and bleak for you for a long time now. When you really think about it, when was the last time you were truly happy to wake up in the morning? Nothing came to mind.

The amount of hopelessness that filled your mind, body and soul was immense.

"Good morning!" Sloan sets down a coffee mug with a cat meme on it for you. Their smile had genuine happiness behind it– not something you could relate to.

"Good morning." You mimic their smile and watch as they take a seat next to you.

You're not sure how they could be so happy to wake up to the same burden every day of their life. Surely they must of thought you were baggage at this point. You were just waiting for the day they got tired of your presence and finally packed up and left. Everyone did. It was only a matter of time for them, too.

You bookmark the current page of your journal and close its cover.

"Don't forget your medicine!" They set your pill case next to your cat meme mug.

"Thanks."

They give you a kiss on the cheek.

You want to cry. Instead, you just watch as they take a seat next to you at the dining table for breakfast.

"Not hungry?" They ask.

They fork small bites of waffle into their mouth.

"I already ate." You lied.

"Oh? What did you have? I didn't hear you making anything."

You knew they were worried about you, but your brain didn't accept this.

"Just toast."

They're quiet for a moment. "Just toast?" They repeat.

"With jam. I'm not completely tasteless." You halfheartedly joke.

In order to dodge more conversation you open your pill case and down everything on an empty stomach.

"You have therapy today, right?" It feels they're playing a game of Twenty Questions.

"Yeah. I can make it there on my own, though."

"Well, I don't have anything to do right now. Why not let me take you?"

Right. You forgot. You were used to them being gone for weeks on end because of field work, studying or traveling. They took a couple weeks off to spend time with you. It seemed to be happening increasingly often as of late.

"It's alright, really. I don't want to bother you with it." You insist.

"It's not a bother! I promise!"

They're smiling again. It's hard to say no to that face.

"Alright."

...

Your therapist gives you back your journal after reading the last few entries. Nearly fifty minutes had already gone by and you don't feel like you've gotten everything off your chest yet.

"So, you feel like nothings gotten any better then?" They inquire.

"How are things supposed to get better at this rate?"

You collapse into the sofa and stare at the wall behind your doctor.

"I'm a burden. I can't do anything right. Everyone else already has everything figured out. What am I supposed to do? I'll never be good enough at anything."

Your therapist jots down everything you're saying before looking back up at you.

"If it's okay to ask... what do you want to be good at, exactly?"

You think about it. "Anything."

"Do you really think that's true, that you're not good at anything?"

You nod.

"You woke up this morning. You're breathing. You're very good at doing those two things. You're taking up space and existing. You're listening. You're feeling. You do these things without even thinking about them. Is that not a sign of skill?"

"That doesn't make me a worthwhile person, though." Tears start forming in your eyes and your therapist hands you the tissue box.

"You don't have to do anything well to be a worthwhile person. You exist, and that enough makes life worth living. If you want to learn more then you can, but knowing everything won't increase your value. You're valuable just by being here. Your worth as a human being is not determined by what you can or cannot do, or what you do or don't know."

Your therapist stays quiet as you sob into multiple tissues. It takes several minutes for you to calm down enough to continue your session.

"I still can't help but feel like a burden to everyone though." You still find it hard to speak after crying so much.

"Those who see you as a burden will never be worth your time. People who want to be around you will stay around you, even if they can't be present in your life at all times."

Rain begins gently tapping at the office window.

"... wouldn't it just be easier to shut everyone out, then?" You point out.

"Well, sure... but then you would never find out who truly loved you, or find others who are going to love you despite it all."

Another moment of silence passes between the two of you before the clock chimes in the distance.

"Same time next week I presume?" Your therapist fills out an appointment card for you.

"That sounds good."

...

You forgot your umbrella. The rain has already begun to pour.

Y/N: Alright. I'm ready.

💛lil meow meow💛: ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ

💛lil meow meow💛: ON MY WAY!!!

A car speeds by while you're waiting and splashes you from head to toe in puddle water. You're lucky enough that your phone case is water proof and that your journal is in your bag, otherwise everything would've been ruined.

Weird. You haven't thought about the positives in a long time.

You carefully wipe the droplets from your phone before another text message pops up.

💛lil meow meow💛: [Uploaded a photo at 3:56 PM].

It was a photo of you from behind.

💛lil meow meow💛: Omg? There's just a cutie pie standing outside? Do you think they're single?

You turn to look in the direction the photo was taken, then Sloan snaps another photo of you.

💛lil meow meow💛: OMG they noticed me!!!

💛lil meow meow💛: They're walking towards me!!!

You open the car door and the warmth hits your damp face.

"Wow. Now there's a cute person in my car! No way!" They grin and gesture over to you.

You can't help but smile.

"Sorry I wasn't fast enough to pick you up before the rain started..." They add.

They reach over to hold your hand and give it a comforting squeeze.

"It's okay. I can shower later." You reply.

You look out the passenger side window at the world covered in gray. The sooner you could get home, the better.

"So, how did it go?" They ask.

For a moment you replay the conversation with your therapist in your mind. You're not sure if you want to bring it up.

"Well..." You start to say, but you choke back the rest of the words.

Tears form in your eyes and you turn farther way from your beloved to hide them. You attempt to focus on the street lights passing you by instead.

"It was okay."

A brief silence passes between the two of you.

"You can be honest with me." There was a genuine concern for you in their voice that you were all too familiar with.

You bite your lip and think about your therapist again.

"Do you think I'm a burden?"

The question seems to come from no where for Sloan– but for you, it's all you've been wondering for a very long time.

"No! Of course not! Why would I ever think that about you?" They answer almost a little too defensively.

"Because you're smart, and you already have your life figured out– and I'm just a nobody, really..."

"No, you're not. Not to me."

You wipe the oncoming tears with your sleeves. The weight of the world comes baring down on your shoulders once again. Hot breaths escape between choking sighs and you can't stop yourself from sobbing all over again.

"I'm sorry–" That's all you could repeat, over and over again, like a broken record.

"[Y/N]..."

You can hardly hear them over the sound of your downfall.

The crisis seemed like it lasted forever to you. Everything you've been keeping bottled up for so long comes pouring out all at once without any warning. Even though your heart still hurts, you can feel it becoming lighter with every passing minute.

You can't form words. All you can do now is cry, cry, cry.

So cry, you did.

For minutes on end, tears flood out from underneath your swollen, bloodshot eyes. Your face was pink and pain pounded in your head from all the upset. It felt like forever until you were calm enough to form coherent sentences again.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Once again you find yourself apologizing for things beyond your control.

"There's no need to say you're sorry. Let's just get inside so you can get out of those wet clothes."

You didn't even realize you had made it home already.

...

One mental breakdown, shower and ibuprofen later you felt like a brand new person.

In the same cat meme mug from this morning your beloved sets down some hot chocolate for you to help you cheer up.

"Do you want to talk about it?" They ask.

You can feel them wrap a blanket around you before sitting down and scooping you up into the warmest hug you've ever received. You close your eyes and melt into their affection while placing your head on their chest to listen to their heartbeat.

"I guess I just feel worthless most of the time." You admit.

"But why? You're not worthless to me. Not one bit." They comfort you the best they can.

You can feel Sloan place their hand on the back of your head and gently stroke your hair.

"I feel bad for taking time away from you. You have everything in your life figured out. I can't imagine why you still come around to visit me."

"Because I love you." There's a softness to their reply that makes your heart feel safe and secure. "I love spending time with you, so I take time off to visit you. If I didn't want anything to do with you I'd be gone already."

You think about their words for a minute and wish you had something equally as nice to reply with, but instead drowsiness begins to fog your mind.

You open your mouth to speak but a yawn escapes first.

"Rest, mi vida. Don't let those thoughts bother you anymore. I love you so much–" They place a kiss to your head. "– and I'll love you even more when you wake up."

They let you lay down and listen to their heartbeat for a little while longer.

"You mean the world to me. I don't care about anything else right now– just you. I'm here for you. Everything else can wait."

"Promise?" You nuzzle into their chest, ready to fall asleep at any moment.

"I promise. I'll write it on my tombstone." They reply.

"I'll hold you to that."

"You'll have to wait and see. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, first."

For the first time in a long time you felt yourself genuinely smile.

#this took me rewatching my entire comfort game to finish oof #overwatch #overwatch 2 #venture x reader #venture x you #overwatch fanfiction #overwatch x reader #overwatch x you #sloane cameron #sloan cameron

[yuribalisms]

promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

#really truly and genuinely just don't want to exist right now every time i think this situation cannot get worse it somehow manages to #i just cried at the dmv and the lady just glared at me like i was the scum of the earth like maam i don't even cry around people #i trust i don't *want* to be crying right now i'm *sorry* okay i just don't know what to do i got given the wrong forms and papers and i #tried explaining all of that and she just looked at me like i was an *idiot* and wouldn't help me with *anything* it was so humiliating #i can't drive the temporary car until it has plates because if i get pulled over for that it's a $500 fine and if i get hit with that on top #of everything else i literally don't know what i'll do i'll probably end up losing my license #but if i can't drive the car i can't go to work and i also can't afford to not go to work right now #i literally feel sick all the time i can't sleep the last few times i've tried to eat anything i feel like throwing it up #and i just feel... so hopeless right now everything i'm trying isn't working or i think i'm getting somewhere and i hit another wall #and one of the most upsetting parts is i feel like no one is helping me and no one cares how hard i'm struggling right now #i literally just want to be allowed to be upset over this but when i got visibly upset at home everyone accused me of taking my frustrations #out on them and being self pitying and 'it could always be worse' #like i don't even know at this point but if i hear the words 'could always be worse' one more time i'm going to maul the person who says the #no one wants me to be upset that's too much to deal with i am *never* allowed to be upset i just want to vent about how shitty this is and #scream and cry at the unfairness of it for a little bit but literally *no one* is letting me do that #'it could always be worse so stop complaining' or if i am visibly upset at all all that matters is it's inconveniencing or upsetting to the #other person.... not that i'm struggling or need help or anything like that #i just want it to be OVER i want it to end i'm so sick of this every time i feel like i'm scraping to somewhere managable in life #something like this happens and this is the scariest and most upsetting thing yet #and i'm not even allowed to be frustrated or upset or sad or angry because then someone else is upset and that matters more than me #so it all built up and a cried at the dmv and every one stared at me like i was annoying and stupid and i want to KILL MYSELF #i want to melt into the ground i want to stop existing i don't want a single person to talk to me because i hate everything right now #but i also desperately want to actually say all of this to a person and them not get mad at me for and tell me it IS unfair it DOES suck and #i didn't deserve this shitty thing that happened or all the other shitty things that happened beforehand #i would also appreciate just pretending it wasn't a thing for a few hours and doing something enjoyable to me with a friend or two... #but that also feels far fetched and then i would feel guilty for not trying to fix this 24/7 even though at this point there's literally #nothing else i could do #i'm just.... so tired and so SO upset and i feel like nobody cares that i'm upset and i'm so sick of EVERYTHING #i'm tired of living

[ukiyowi]

Channelled Messages 💌

Channelling messages from your: Future Spouse, Closest Friends, Spirit Guides, and Future Self

Note: Please DM me if you want a reading I am going to be putting a discount on all my readings because I am in a rough spot financially and need to pay money for my room which I was not aware of earlier and could be kicked out if I don't at the earliest. Book a reading || Tip me! (Ko-fi)

♡ Future Spouse

♡ Closest Friends

♡ Spirit Guides

♡ Future Self

Future Spouse

💌 Pile 1

My Love,

I imagine us walking hand in hand through the seasons of life, supporting each other through every victory and challenge. Together, we will create a collage of memories, painting the canvas of our shared life with love, laughter, and endless adventures.

I promise to be your biggest cheerleader, your confidant in times of doubt, and your unwavering support through thick and thin. I vow to cherish and respect you for the unique individual that you are, appreciating both your strengths and your vulnerabilities.

You are scarred right now but theres no reason to be. You are so filled with love and light and everything good, just because someone else cannot see it does not mean it doesnt exist. If I could bring you the moon and the stars I would in an instant. I don't think there has ever been or will ever be someone who is as bright as you.

Please take care of your health, you cannot make excuses for bad habits and keep living life like that, no matter how stressful work or life is please make time for yourself. We still have a while to meet so take care of yourself for both you and I.

Song: It's a Shame - The Spinners

💌 Pile 2

Hey Darling,

Our connection, I believe, will be deeper than words can express. It will be built on trust, respect, and a genuine desire to see each other flourish. While I can't predict the future, I am steadfast in my commitment to cherishing every moment we have together.

We have met before, I don't think you remember me, but I do. your beauty had me stunned and so did your mannerisms. I admire the way you carry yourself, with so much dignity and poise, as if the personification of grace itself were standing in front of me, sweeping me off of my feet.

I will shower you with anything you want, praise, adoration, gifts, love, time, energy, and be there whenever you need. Life is probably fun for you right now, unfortunately for me the road is a little rocky. Enjoy this time with your friends and family, your loved ones truly care about you and want what's best for you even if they can't articulate it well.

Stay strong butterflly and look for me in your dreams, I promise to be a frequent visitor. hope you likfe sunflowers, lillies, and magnolias angel.

Song: Mango bananas - Flyana Boss

💌 Pile 3

Hi sweetheart!!

I have a feeling that when we finally meet, there's going to be a bell that rings making us instantly know like it did in Your Name, also hope you like animation because I love it, I also really like drawing and art, do you? Please say yes!

Life seems to be going too fast for you right now so you need to make sure that you don't lose yourself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Calm down and do things you enjoy, maybe you'll like pottery!

But beyond the laughter and silliness, I want you to know that I'm dead serious about creating a remarkable life together. We'll support each other's dreams, even if they involve opening a cat cafe or becoming professional trampoline testers (hey, it's a thing, right?). We'll navigate the ups and downs of life hand in hand, and I promise to be your rock when you need it most.

Song: Glue Song - beabadoobee

xoxo

Closest Friends

💌 Pile 1

Life has been quite the rollercoaster lately, filled with its usual ups and downs. I've had my fair share of challenges, but there have also been some incredible moments that I wish I could have shared with you in person.

I often find myself reminiscing about the good old days when we used to spend hours talking and laughing about anything and everything . Those memories are some of my most cherished, and I truly miss you.

Please know that no matter where life takes us or how much time passes, you will always hold a special place in my heart. Your friendship has been a source of strength, laughter, and endless support, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

Let's make a promise to catch up soon, whether it's over a cup of coffee or a long, heartfelt phone call. I genuinely look forward to hearing how you've been and sharing all the stories we've missed out on.

With love,

Initials may include: R, P, W, Q, L

Song: Window - Still Woozy

💌 Pile 2

Leaving behind the place we've called home for so long is both exciting and bittersweet. While new opportunities wait and adventures call, it's hard not to feel a tinge of sadness at the thought of being farther away from you.

Although physical distance may separate us, please know that you will always hold a special place in my life. Our bond is not defined by geography but by the strong connection we share.

And the internet exists so we'll be fine right? You promise to not lose touch with me even when we're both busy? I promise I will remember to call you, if not daily then weekly, please don't forget me.

I wish you could join me and we could embark on this together but life has its ways of separating the best people we've met so that we are forced to widen our horizons and social circles lol, hope it's not too much for either you or me.

Will miss you,

Initials pulled: A, J, M, S, K

Song: Missin something - Zach Templar

💌 Pile 3

I love the days we've shared and I wish to share so many more with you in the future, god I am so so so excited for everything thats to come!

Do you remember that time we decided to go on that impromptu road trip? No plans, no GPS, just a car full of snacks, good music, and an unshakable belief that we'd find our way eventually. We got lost more times than I can count, but it was so much fun and truly unforgettable.

And how about those late-night conversations that somehow turned into early-morning confessions? We've solved the world's problems over a cup of lukewarm coffee more times than I can recall. The neighbors must have wondered if we were running a 24-hour café.

As I sit here reminiscing about these and countless other memories, I can't help but smile. Our friendship has been a rollercoaster of laughter, silliness, and genuine connection. And I wouldn't trade a single moment of it for anything in the world.

Sending you a virtual high-five and a whole lot of fond memories, here's to hundreds more, and don't forget about the promise we made about the weddings okay?

Your platonic soulmate,

Initials may include: G, H, B, L, T

Song: Right Here, For Now - Bakar

xoxo

Spirit Guides

💌 Pile 1

Embrace change with an open heart and a curious mind. Life is a series of shifts and transitions, and it's in these moments of change that growth and self-discovery thrive. Trust in your ability to adapt and evolve, for you possess the resilience needed to navigate uncharted waters.

As you progress in your career, always remember that your passion and purpose are the compass that should guide you. Pursue work that aligns with your values and fulfills your soul. Don't be afraid to explore different paths and take calculated risks. Each experience contributes to your growth and wisdom.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and each lesson learned is a stepping stone to your personal and professional development. Stay committed to your goals, and never underestimate the power of continued learning.

There may be moments of doubt or uncertainty along the way, but listen to your heart's desires and the quiet whispers of your soul, for they will guide you toward your true purpose.

Above all, be patient and compassionate with yourself. Success is not defined by a straight path but by the lessons learned along the way. Embrace each setback as an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser.

Song: Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

💌 Pile 2

In matters of the heart, we see the longing in your soul for a deep and meaningful connection. First and foremost, we urge you to be patient with yourself. Love is a delicate dance, and it often takes time to find the right partner who truly understands and appreciates you.

As you seek love, remember the importance of self-love. Nurture your own well-being, both physically and emotionally. Don't be insecure about your quirks and imperfections, for they are the qualities that make you beautifully you. When you love yourself wholeheartedly, you become a magnet for the love you desire.

When it comes to romantic relationships, let go of preconceived notions and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised. Love can appear in unexpected places and forms. Stay open to meeting new people and exploring connections that may not fit your usual "type." Sometimes, the greatest love stories are the ones that defy expectations.

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Be brave in expressing your feelings, needs, and desires. Equally important, listen to your partner with an open heart. True intimacy is born from understanding and genuine connection.

Whoever, you're thinking of, is not the one, set the standards high and do not settle for something that does not align with what you can give as well.

Song: Scared - Jeremy Zucker

💌 Pile 3

Know that you are never alone. We are always by your side, watching over you, and guiding you in subtle ways. We see your potential and your inner light, and we are here to help you recognize and nurture these gifts.

Trust in your intuition, for it is the voice of your soul and the channel through which we communicate with you. In times of uncertainty, turn inward and listen to the whispers of your heart, for they will lead you toward your true path.

Embrace the lessons that life presents, for they are opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Challenges are not obstacles but stepping stones on your journey to becoming the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with positive influences and kindred spirits who uplift and support your journey. Let go of relationships that drain your energy and hinder your growth. Create a circle of love and support that nurtures your soul.

Find joy in the simple pleasures of life. Take time to savor a cup of tea, watch a sunrise, or feel the grass beneath your feet. These moments of presence are where true happiness resides.

Song: July - Noah Cyrus

xoxo

Future Self

💌 Pile 1

Darling, I cannot even start to tell you how good life is right now for me, and eventually for you. I know you are currently going through a rough patch, and as cliche as this sounds, I want you to know that every storm you're weathering now is bringing you closer to the sunshine that awaits you.

In my time, I've seen how the challenges you're facing today have shaped you into the resilient, compassionate, and wise person I've become. The setbacks you're experiencing are not roadblocks; they are stepping stones leading you to the life you've always dreamed of.

You may feel lost, uncertain, and at times overwhelmed, but trust me, these moments are your greatest teachers. They are guiding you towards a deeper understanding of yourself, your purpose, and the incredible strength that lies within you.

One day, you will look back on this period of your life and realize that it was a transformative journey, a cocoon in which you underwent a profound metamorphosis. You'll emerge from it stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your inner self.

The relationships you're nurturing now, the lessons you're learning, and the self-care you're embracing will all become pillars of the beautiful life that awaits you. You'll find yourself surrounded by a supportive and loving community that cherishes you for exactly who you are.

Song: See you Again - Tyler, The Creator

💌 Pile 2

I am sorry, but things are not going the way you would have hoped they would. However, rejection is just redirection, okay? Although things are looking rough for me right now, which, for you, is in the future, I want you to know that this tough phase will lead you to a place of strength and growth.

Life can be incredibly challenging at times, and I wish I could spare you from some of the hardships I'm currently facing. But remember, every setback, every disappointment, is an opportunity for growth and learning. It's through these tough moments that we discover our resilience and develop the wisdom to make better choices in the future.

I want you to hold onto hope, even when it feels like all hope is lost. Believe in yourself and your ability to overcome adversity. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who will help you weather the storm.

Stay patient and kind to yourself. It's easy to be critical during challenging times, but self-compassion is crucial. Treat yourself with the same love and understanding that you offer to others.

I am working on something thats a dream of ours right now, and I am seeing signs that it may end up succeeding soon or at least kick off, and I still love designing and art as much as you do right now, although I barely have time for myself right now.

Song: Not in that way - Sam Smith

💌 Pile 3

Okay, so maybeee we should reel it in a little with how much you are overworking yourself because it is having a bad effect on me, aka future you. Yep, I'm here to tell you that all those late nights, skipped meals, and stress-induced hair-pulling moments are not doing us any favors down the line.

I get it, you're hustling, chasing dreams, and making things happen in the here and now, and that's commendable. But trust me, I've been there, done that, and I can assure you that I'd appreciate a little less burnout and a lot more balance in our past.

You see, life isn't just about reaching goals; it's about enjoying the journey too. So, let's make a pact to take breaks, breathe deeply, and relish the simple pleasures. Remember, it's not all about the destination; the detours and pit stops are just as important.

And don't worry, I'm not trying to cramp your style here; I just want us to have the best possible adventures together, full of energy, laughter, and great stories. So, let's find that sweet spot where hard work meets self-care, and where the future "us" can look back and be happy about the past "you" for making wise choices.

Also please stop pulling all nighters its not doing any wonders for our skin, and even an extensive 10 step skincare routine does not do as much as a good nights sleep can.

Song: While we're yound - Jhene Aiko

xoxo

#pick a card reading #pac reading #pick a pile #tarot daily #tarot #intuition #pac #readings #intuitive readings #intuitive #tarot readings #tarot cards #tarotblr #tarot reading #divination #daily tarot #tarot spread #🩵 PAC 🩵

[astraystayyh]

You and I

In which you wrongly lash out at Hyunjin and have to mend it back. Human character who makes mistakes and apologizes for them.

You've always envied the people who seek others' warmth when they are feeling down. They seem to become almost translucent, allowing their sadness to seep away from them as their loved one comforts them- as their words and touch wrap around them, leaving no room for sadness or anger to exist anymore.

You, however, are quite the opposite.

Whenever an emotion overwhelms you, you instantly withdraw yourself, refusing for anyone to approach you. You can't let anyone touch you or talk to you, not when the feel of your clothes against your skin irritates you, and you swear you can hear the sound of each blood droplet rushing through your veins, unbearably loud.

Hyunjin doesn't know this.

How could he know? How do you tell someone you've been dating for one month that something as simple as regulating your emotions drains you? That you need to hide, for a couple of hours, sometimes days, just to feel a semblance of normalcy again.

So, you kept it hidden, trying your best to still your feelings; akin to the surface of an undisturbed river. It was easy to do so when being with Hyunjin brought you immense joy. It almost lulled you into thinking that you'd stay this way forever- happy, content. But you are human, and you can't escape the very essence of it- emotions in their rawest form.

You wish you could have told him- that you'd prefer being alone and that you'd talk to him when you're feeling well again. But it isn't time for regrets now. Not when the thoughts in your head swirl chaotically, making the world around you blur. You're overwhelmed, by your studies and a voice in your head that never truly quits down. And you can feel Hyunjin looking at you from the corner of your eye.

He's been worried about you all night, asking you if you were okay and if there was something he could do to help. But every question seemed to drive you over the edge, pushing you closer and closer to the brink of exploding.

"Baby, are you sure there is nothing I can do?" he asks for the umpteenth time, placing a hand on your shoulder. His concern is evident, stemming from a genuine place of care. And you want to slap a hand on your mouth to stop the words from tumbling out, but you don't.

"You know what I need Hyunjin? For you to leave me alone. Is that so hard to understand for you?" you question, looking straight ahead. You sense him physically recoil at your words, hand swiftly retracting back near his side. "I already told you what to do, and you're just making it worse. I can't deal with this right now."

A low chuckle emanates from him, it sounds cold and distant- nothing like you've ever heard from Hyunjin.

"Deal with this? You mean, deal with me?" he stands up abruptly, hand running angrily through his hair. "You know what? You've made it abundantly clear what you needed from me. I'm just fucking stupid for being worried." He grabs his jacket, as his words pierce you like a bow shot by Achilles himself.

Really now? You brought this on yourself and now you're feeling sad? Did you expect him to apologize, beg for you? The voice in your head taunts you and your own gets caught in your throat. 'Im sorry, stay, I didn't mean to lash out' You want to plead, but you remain silent as if someone's robbed you of your ability to speak.

"I'm sorry for making it worse for you, you don't have to worry about it ever again," he sounds angry, but you can sense the underlying sadness in his words. Your eyes meet his and the look on his face tears you apart. You've never seen him so... stricken, so severely affected; by your own doing none the less.

Hyunjin slams the door behind him, as an ugly sob escapes your lips. You've hurt him, badly, you aren't sure how to fix it when you can't even fix yourself.

....

Two days have passed. Forty-eight hours of trying to sort out your thoughts, only to have them tangled even further. The reason why you were overwhelmed in the first place fades into the back of your mind. The only thing you could think of was Hyunjin.

He hadn't called or texted, not that you expected him to. He said you didn't have to worry about it anymore, so he's giving you space, lots of space at that. Isn't that what you wanted? It was, but not like this. Not at the expense of hurting him.

You look absolutely disheveled as you knock on Hyunjin's door. It's 5:47 pm, an odd time for reconciliation, at least that's what you hope will happen as Hyunjin opens the door.

He's seemingly taken aback at the sight of you. His eyes swiftly narrow, and you take an unconscious step back at the animosity in his gaze. "What do you want?"

"Can we talk, please?"

Hyunjin scrutinizes you for a moment, his expression guarded. He looks far better than you, but there are newfound dark circles under his eyes. You hope you aren't the cause behind him.

"Come in," he steps away and you enter, uncertainty hanging over the both of you like a heavy fog.

Hyunjin settles on the couch but you remain standing, pacing back and forth as you try to organize your thoughts. Everything you wanted to say seemingly vanished you when you needed it most.

"Sit down. You're making me dizzy," he finally says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. You oblige quickly, heels now tapping furiously on the ground.

"Would you like some water?" he asks after a while, and there is a timid softness in his words, one you clung to so you'd be able to breathe again.

"No, thank you." You lick your lips nervously. "Hyunjin, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you that way. I was mean and rude and I understand that I had hurt you. But it wasn't my intention. It's never ever my intention to hurt you. I care about you too much for that."

"People you care about shouldn't make things worse for you," he points out, refusing to meet your gaze.

"You aren't... I mean, it's not you. It's me."

"Really?" he arches an eyebrow at the stereotypical sentence and you groan, frustrated at your inability to articulate your regret properly.

"Look, I got overwhelmed and when I'm like this, I need to stay alone. It has nothing to do with you, or how I feel for you. And I feel for you a lot, and I'm so scared I'll lose you and I can't seem to speak well-" tears trail down your cheek and you wipe them away angrily. You brought this on yourself, you shouldn't cry on top of it.

"I'm so sorry, immensely sorry, Hyunjin. if you still want me, I promise you I will never do this again. I won't lash out at you, you don't deserve that and it was uncalled for. I'm really sorry."

His silence is deafening as you nervously pick at your cuticles, scratching them over and over in your anxiousness. Why isn't he saying anything?

"Okay, um..." you chuckle nervously, as the bulge in your throat threatens to swallow you whole. "I'll let you think of it. I'm so sorry again. And I'm sorry for coming before asking you if you were busy. I'm sorry to bother you and I'm- I'm sorry I'm this way." You hurriedly stand up, heading towards the door when a warm hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks.

Hyunjin's arms circle your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder, anchoring you in place.

"When I'm sad or angry, being near you makes me feel better. It really does. I thought I could do the same for you. That's why I insisted on staying. But I shouldn't have. You and I are different, doesn't mean it's bad," he mumbles onto your neck, tightening his hold on you.

"You've hurt me a lot, but I forgive you because I want us to do better next time. No yelling. No harsh words, okay?"

"Okay. I'll do better. I'm so sorry. So sorry, Hyunjin, you have no idea."

"It's okay. We're good now."

"Really?" you turn around, clutching his arms tightly. "I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you, stop apologizing," he giggles softly, wiping away the tears trailing down your face.

"I'm sorry, I swear I won't do it again," you apologize again, burying your face in his chest. your tears dampen his shirt but you can't move away. Not that you could in the first place, since his hold on you only tightens further.

"I believe you. Stop crying, please."

"Okay, I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry for saying sorry."

"Shh, baby. No more crying. I missed you," Hyunjin admits softly, placing a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

"I missed you so much more. More than you know."

"Maybe we should start telling each other exactly how much, hm? Not leave it up to imagination."

"Okay, I will. I want to work on this with you. If you want."

"I want to. Couldn't sleep without you."

"I'm so sorry," it slips from your mouth before you can stop it, guilt overflowing from you in waves.

"I thought I told you to stop apologizing, hm?" he questions as he picks you up and spins you around, as a laugh escapes your lips, morphing into full-blown giggles. It is only when a genuine smile graces your lips that Hyunjin puts you down once again.

#stray kids x reader #skz x reader #stray kids imagine #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #hwang hyunjin x you #hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin angst #hyunjin angst #skz angst #stray kids angst #stray kids reactions #skz scenarios #skz au #hyunjin scenarios #hwang hyunjin x reader #this one personally hurt me guys

[reverieaa]

The self, fufilled.

It might have taken me a while, but as I promised in my last poll, I will deliver what you all were most interested in hearing, my explanation of the self fufilled. Consider this a pt.2 of "a change of clothes".

Yes, I say the self fufilled. I thought this play of words is not only interesting to do but would bring light to a new perspective that may help you come to your own understanding.

Many don't sit to really understand what " no other cause to your thoughts other than you" really means to them, we know, but we don't understand.

How do I stop my doubtful thoughts? How do I manifest quickly? how do I feel my wish fufilled? How do I change my state? How do I feel free? How do I stop punishing myself?

Well for the last one, you can start by putting an end to all previous questions, searching with the intention of finding an outside answer.

The opposite of love is hate, as the opposite of to hurt is to heal.

And the opposite of attention is indifference. As Edward art himself said that indifference is truly the answer to all your doubts.

I don't want you to go through your day and force yourself to imagine, affirm, and re-read every post you've ever read again and again until it finally clicks, I don't want you to fight every thought and scold your mind for "going out of place" either.

All that I want you to do is all that is required for you to do, change the inner. We truly are fortunate when I tell you this good news because change is all we do, all we've ever done.

I'll tell you honestly, not to give you hope and neither to shatter it or delude you when I tell you that majority of your problems that sound so complicated as the universe itself, could be solved just through self identification and a rearrangement of the mind.

I don't say this to give comforting lies, false hope, and support because I don't want people with hopes and dreams in tough situations to feel bad and be a moral person, but because the truth is far more comforting than any of it.

I won't tell you to "keep going" when you feel like nothing is working and breaking down. If you feel the need to change something, then change should happen, and it shall as your word is logic to your world.

I want you to understand that you're not meant to fufill the thing itself, but yourself instead. It's not about your desired face, it's about you, it's not about your ideal relationship and sp, it's about you, it's not about imagining the perfect life, it's about you.

It's not about using yourself to fulfill the scenario/desire. It's about it fulfilling and changing YOU.

Right now, you have a bed, you are not imagining that you do, you're not checking to see if you have a bed, you probably didn't even look to see if you have one, it is a CLAIM within yourself. With the same conviction, you use it for your desires. Take this example with things you have in your life.

I don't think people realize that the whole reason why trying changing the outer reality does not work because there is no outer reality to begin with, I mean that literally.

It is crucial to understand when you imagine that you are not creating the desire or a new reality, but you can only conceptualize that version of you to begin with because it already exists.

Let the ego mind go, let the need for outer change go, both its worries and time-frame of your life so far and just sit there with what I'm trying to say when I tell you to feel the wish fulfilled. It is a CLAIM, not a process, a change of identification.

Once you identify yourself with who you actually are, the awareness/ pure consciousness and believe that you is all there is , you won't want to "manifest a df" just to decorate the outer man, but you'll want to manifest it bc it genuinely makes u happy for yourself, same for every manifestation.

It all comes down to a satisfying claim, a claim of your observation that you see as TRUTH and are currently seeing in your mind.

For those who are wondering what knowingness I'm talking abt, it's the same knowingness when someone asks your name, you know you are (name), you know you're (nr) years old.

And so the same way you know your name, you know you have your desired body, the same way you know how old you are, you know you have your dream car.

We identify as body and outer when the outer world itself is WITHIN us, you are the answer to everything as everything has it's root to you, and at the same, everything cam only live through ypir awareness, nothing greater and nothing to "get".

If i view myself as pure consciousness, then I do not care for the 5 senses to show me anything because I don't view myself as just body, and this doesn't mean you can't deal with things in the 3D, because working in the 3D and identifying with it are different things. Therefore, don't feel the need to commit all your 5 senses to your imaginal act.

This isn't a for you to tell yourself: " ok, I have to know I am pure consciousness/ the creator and work with it from there" this post is telling you that you ALREADY are it, skip emotions here, we have established that you are it right now and youvare becoming aware that you are in imagination.

All we do in life is make claims within ourselves about things we are aware of having in the mind. Say you have a red car, and you think about it in your head, you know it's yours, you don't need to check your own drivers license, you know you have a certain hair color, it is a aware claim, you aren't trying to get it, there is no rush to do so, you are at ease knowing it IS so and are just observing your life through that state on consciousness.

And since you are consciousness, and you can get/be anything you want just by being aware that you are it, what is it that you can't do or be in this world? You can't be satisfied going after the "object" itself bc the only way we can enjoy things in this world is through the awareness that we have it, it has no life of its own outaide your own consciousness.

#law of assumption #affirm and persist #manifesation #manifesting #neville goddard #3d #affirmations #loa methods #void state #loa blog #loa

[oneforthemunny]

ok but most to least likely to cheat? please? i love angst!

i really don't think any of them actually would. i think they're just not gross like that, and they're all lover boy coded to their core. it's webbed in all eddie dna, even the worst of them.

i can tell you why each of them wouldn't??? a fair compromise?

janitor!eddie- self explanatory. i mean this and i know it's gonna sound insane and fake and silly, but i really don't think he could find another person attractive once he met you. it's just not in his dna, no one else exists type thing. he loves you for so many reasons, and he's gonna fuck that up?? yeah, right lol.

mafia!eddie- genuinely is annoyed by most people's presence. he's busy babes, and he doesn't trust very easily. he's never been a big relationship guy, not even casual really. he's just been incredibly tunnel visioned with his own shit, that it just not a necessity. then he gets hooked once he does. really, wouldn't want to bc he doesn't trust anyone but also bc he's found the best.

older!eddie- truly is too old. too old and tired to be fucking around and playing games like that. even if he wanted to, that's embarrassing to him. being old and a fuckboy? he did that when he was in his twenties. now, he wants to settle down. wants something real.

modern!eddie- he's too pussy whipped for that. genuinely. he might think someone's pretty or nice. i think the thing with him, is he's a little too trusting sometimes, so when he meets a girl and she's nice to him he's like "oh a friend :)" when... that's not the case. that would be the closest thing to him actually cheating is she asks him stuff about the relationship and he tells her, and it's obv the other being malicious about it. then once you pointed it out, it's shut down. truly, he's just a moron, but a lover boy at heart. very much so the type if a girl flirted to say "i have a girlfriend and she's crazy. please don't touch me, she'll scalp you."

hockey!eddie- surrounded by puck bunnies, and he giggles at them when they try because??? hello??? he's clearly got you??? silly girls, you're right there! sunshine boy, he would never. you make him so happy, i don't even think he would consider it a possibility. some of his teammates cheat (obv they're hockey boys and gross) and he's so disgusted by them. even more than that, he's shocked. he genuinely thinks so lowly of them, especially if they're married and have kids. the foulest thing to him.

rockstar!eddie- i mean... once you guys are in, he's all fucking in. that's the thing about him, is he does everything so intensely. he's also had everything, all kinds of kinds, seen the world, experienced all it has to offer. and when he thinks about you compared to it, it's just not even close. he chooses you every time. i mean, you have three wedding ceremonies because he's just that into it. that into showing the world how you're together. then once the babies start coming, forget about it. he's locked in long before then, but after that? call him anti-feminist or whatever, but no other woman, person, anything on earth is better than you. it's why in the sex dungeon, he gets you a high priestess costume, because truly that's how he sees you.

cowboy!eddie- barely sees anyone anyways bc he's kinda a recluse. not the most romantic either lol, especially pre-you. he's more of like a "you can come over here" and then he's ready for you to leave after he's done. he likes his space, so once he meets you and wants you in his space? alters his routine for you? accommodates you into his life? plus you're a little kinky freaky wild and exciting like him? he's in for life. i think he can be a little bit flirty still at the beginning, just years of being a bachelor, but he'd never fuck or kiss or really engage romantically with anyone else.

dom!eddie- the closest he'd come is a threesome maybe. MAYBE. but truly, i don't think he'd want them in any other way than for his own twisted kinky fantasies with you at the center of them- like the other person involved could genuinely be anyone, he doesn't have someone in mind. but really, truthfully? everyone else bores him. he would be so bored if he was with someone who did everything he said (even tho he mocks you and tells you that's what he wants). if he was with someone who blindly obeyed without a fight, he'd be bored after twenty minutes. plus, you're his best friend, genuinely, outside of the kinky part of your relationship, you're his person. when something happens, good or bad, you're the first person he wants to tell. the first person he wants to do things with, never gets tired of doing things with, genuine best friends.

boxer!eddie- similar to those before, that he's anti social but he's mean too. like he comes across as an asshole, and is one, and he was very lonely before he met you. someone who can keep up with him, give it as good as they take it. quick witted and a little cynical and snarky, but not utter doom and gloom. he really was convinced he'd die alone, george clooney and remain an unmarried bachelor for the rest of his life, hopping from whoever to whoever (if he didn't die in the ring first) then he met you. it took him so long to build that up, get the relationship to a relationship, that he's not cheating and fucking that up. couldn't fine someone he'd want to cheat with even if he did because you're one of a kind to him.

bouncer!eddie- ok, i know i said he would, and technically he does-ish, but it's really not super intentional. he's actually stupid and thought he was being cool. anyways. he wouldn't cheat once he actually communicated and there was confirmation he was in a relationship lol. i think he'd be down for threesomes, but that's it. not genuine cheating bc he doesn't actually feel anything towards the other person other than in the moment, he's horny. especially if they're touching you, or your touching them, but that's the key right there. you have to be in it. plus, who else is gonna be freaky with him like you are? no one. and you're funny and sweet to him and exciting and like to listen to his music? in his eyes, it's a match made in heaven.

#oneforthemunny #munnytalks #rockstar!eddie munson #cowboy!eddie munson #mafia!eddie munson #older!dilf!eddie munson #modern!eddie munson #janitor!eddie munson #dom!eddie munson #hockey!eddie munson #bouncer!eddie munson #boxer!eddie munson

[simplydnp]

genuinely wondering why phil was considered the "ugly one" out of dan and phil. he's so hot? like there was a time where by some fans phil was literally seen as second best always... has that changed completely? i see more phillies than dannies these days which used to be absolutely the other way round if i remember correctly... like maybe it's just due to the fact that the fans grew up and delevoped some brain cells and/or phil having a glow up. what do you think abt this?

caveat: attraction is subjective and this is not a definitive guide as to what counts as hotness, nor is hotness the epitome of existence or something that people 'need' in order to exist, but instead this serves as an exploration into the culture surrounding perception of appearance as it relates to dan and phil, with care to note that 'conventional' beauty standards are highly correlated with white features and are problematic for many reasons but especially the racist aspect. i do not endorse the 'conventional' standard as the only acceptable one, but it would be remiss to ignore the fact that it plays a role in this conversation, especially in 2010s culture.

this is an interesting question for me because i don't Get all the layers of attraction just in general. so much of it makes very little sense, despite how hard i've tried to understand it. and what i've found out is that it's not supposed to make sense, it's something that just is and. well. my brain doesn't like that 😂 i've 'learned' what 'conventional' beauty standards are and thus can somewhat identify 'objectively' attractive people/qualities, but i'm absolutely just three possums in a trenchcoat on good days 🤣 so my best approximation is as follows:

- phil *pulled* back in the day online

- he stopped playing into it as much and because he wasn't exuding it as much, people stopped seeing it

- combine this with the less traditionally masculine energy he conveyed, alongside moving moreso away from the fully 'emo' look

- i think his fashion sense/choices played into this as well, came across very much like 'guy in tshirt' --which is fine, but unless your features really meet societal beauty standards at the time, it's not 'selling' you in the 'hot' department

- as well, contrasted with dan who had more of the 'societal beauty standard' look, people were less likely to see him in that role, especially because he seemed quite happy not being there (i'd argue some of it was a confidence thing too, especially on a day to day--the outfits video in gamingmas kind of confirmed that for me. he Knew he rocked that plaid suit, cause he did, but i don't think he felt that about his every day attire)

- people love to sort people into boxes and did as much with dnp, especially in making dnp 'opposites' (despite this not actually being true)

- truly think the fringe staying as long as it did didn't help, especially when, self-admittedly, it got a little blocky near the end.

- i think quiff really unlocked something in him. it really suited him, and he felt quite confident about it, as he had every right to. this, combined with a fashion upgrade in him paying a little more attention to it and developing his own personal style, people started to notice. (also dan hyping him up publicly about it made us talk about it more too)

- further style enhancements, more quiff experience led to him experimenting a little more, which let him find things he really liked

- i also think he's learned how to pose better/isnt 'being intentionally awkward' in pictures as much

- his ykw i want a change and idc what you all think attitude in going back to brown, and then into messy--he really Knows he's attractive now and how to dress himself to bring that out (even if he doesnt feel like it all the time)

there has definitely been a shift--i think the fandom has gotten smaller, and a lot of their 'mainstream' audience were dannies back in the heyday bc of the 'societal beauty standards'. so combine many of those people leaving, at a similar timeline to phil figuring his 'look' out, his audience getting older (and the lesbians being Very fond of him), and his consistency in uploading the last few years, i think it all swirls into this current existence where there's a lot of phillies out there and they're loud and proud about it (as they should be), especially cause a lot of them have Always Known but it wasn't the 'popular' take at the time.

i am but a hapless dannie and any phillies who would like to share their two cents/drag me for being wrong pls do so

#i hope this makes sense #there has absolutely been a culture shift and there's a lot of reasons imo why #dnp #c.text #answered

[checkoutmybookshelf]

From Criminial Mastermind to Fairy Tale Hero: The End of Artemis Fowl

Here we are, everyone: The final Artemis Fowl book. It has been a journey revisiting the first series I was old enough to follow and fandom, and it's wild to me that we're finally at the end. Especially since I picked up the first Artemis Fowl book in late elementary school (I'm genuinely not sure when though, because the first book came out in April of 2001, when I was in fifth grade and it's very possible I didn't pick the book up until sixth grade, which would have put me at 11, same age as Artemis in that first book) and the final book came out in 2012, when I was in my junior year of undergrad. So at that point, Artemis, Holly, and Butler had been part of my life for a long time. And now here we are, to say goodbye to them again after this leisurely re-listen/read. Let's talk Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian.

Artemis grew and changed so much across eight books, which makes sense because holy cow do kids change a LOT between 11 and 15. We get so busy living life in those years that we don't really think about how much we truly learn and grown between prepubescence and full-on teenagerhood, but that is a time of massive change, and I think that more than anything else really justifies how Artemis goes from a chillingly vampiric child to a teenager with enough compassion and empathy to understand that sometimes the right choice is a heroic self-sacrifice for the people that your people (both humans and the people, in this case) love. Artemis also did a really interesting version of that thing so many teenagers do where they hit a point where they can't just phone in their abilities anymore and have to actually put effort in, but for Artemis it was emotional rather than intelligence. And yet even when making said heroic sacrifice, we have the absolutely beautiful callback to the end of book one, where Artemis drugs his mother, Butler, and Juliet to keep them from being harmed by the bio-bomb. To stop Holly from preventing him from stopping Opal, Artemis sedates her. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Except where best villain ever Opal Koboi is concerned. By this book, Opal is so disconnected from reality that she is willing to risk literally going nuclear to escape captivity, and then just...casually sparks off the apocalypse because if there is one thing our girl wants, it's to be Empress of the World, and if that means using spirit zombies and an ancient fairy doomsday device, then I guess it's a good thing she's already versed in black magic. Or something. Opal is fully and completely off the rails at this point, and if you catch yourself referring to yourself as "Mommy" in reference to the spirits of several scores of ancient elven berserkers who would--barring a geas--murder you for it, you might want to stop and take a long, hard look at your life choices. And maybe don't forget that you've cloned yourself, because that's the kind of little detail that can completely ruin your chances of being Empress of the World.

Holly quite possibly deserves every medal that exists for managing to drag Artemis's extremely out-of-shape butt through increasingly dangerous and high-stakes missions while navigating fairy politics and *checks notes* breaking up with her commanding officer after a disastrous date where they both got kicked out of a crunchball match. (And once again...HOW DARE Colfer leave this in exposition and not show us this amazing disaster of a date!?!?) Holly has also just been through the emotional wringer with Artemis and every time he decided to double-cross or lie by omission to bring off a plan and every time he does something infuriatingly human that drives up her blood pressure and yet makes the mission succeed. And then she has to sit there and watch him die to save humans and fairies. Seriously, the fact that Holly Short is a functional being rather than a hot mess is nothing short of a miracle.

And then we come to Butler. Long-suffering, super fucking over it, broken-hearted Domovoi Butler. Artemis got DAMN lucky that the whole "put my spirit in a clone of me" plan panned out, because if it hadn't, Holly was entirely correct: Butler would never have recovered. Butler and Opal might be my two favorite characters in the entire series at this point. That's not where I started--for a very long time, Holly was my favorite character, and Commander Root still gets an honorable mention--but as a grown-ass adult (I'm not doing that math for you, if you want to know that I'm old, you do the math), I cannot escape how dedicated, competent, kind, and just AWESOME Butler is. I feel like the vibe here is very similar to the thing that happens when you watch Sound of Music as a kid and either Maria or one of the kids is your favorite character, but when you come back to it as an adult, Captain Von Trapp is EVERYTHING (RIP Christopher Plummer, we loved you). Butler has a similar vibe but in a different genre.

So, I was an adult and had enough experience of watching fandoms to see the mixed reactions to this book being released. People were sad the series was ending, people were disappointed because the series had seemingly drifted, and people loved it. My reaction was pretty mixed, because I had a lot going on, I knew there were good things here but I was also kind of missing the heisty, criminal mastermind vibes, but also OPAL KOBOI. So I was pretty unsure how to feel about this book when it came out, and then I didn't reread it for literal years because I went to grad school.

Returning to this book now, I have suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch respect for how Colfer tied up the series and how he pulled off a new Irish mythological cycle, but updated for the twenty-first century. I have enough life on me to appreciate the changes Artemis goes through, and enough literature degrees to have a new and deeply fulfilling perspective on the series structure. Last Guardian is not my favorite book of the series--it's not even in the top three--but I think that what it does is genuinely impressive and I love how you can finish this book and go instantly back into the OG Artemis Fowl. The story does not, strictly speaking, have to end. And that is a vibe I can 100% get behind.

I deeply love the Artemis Fowl books, and I cannot recommend the series enough. They have so many strengths, are incredibly well-written, and they live rent-free in my head even now as an adult.

#artemis fowl #eoin colfer #artemis fowl the last guardian #artemis fowl and the last guardian #domovoi butler #holly short #opal koboi #children's literature #children's books #books and reading #books & libraries #books and novels #books #book recommendations #middle grade sci fi #middle grade books #middle grade fantasy #middle grade fiction

[monstersinthecosmos]

I'm so glad you're back!! I was so panicked when I saw your blog was gone, because you are truly one of the absolute stars of VC fandom!!

I joined VCblr a few months ago because I have been obsessed with Marius since I was 13, like my Marius obsession literally changed my life in multiple ways and I saw VC was becoming popular again so I wanted to join in! but like one of my first posts got these comments from people I'd never even spoken to before about how I was disrespecting Marius and his fans, and to be a little dramatic the way some of these comments were written, I felt like some of them seemed to actually really hate me personally. It just killed my desire to write fic or meta anymore so I just deleted my tumblr and now I just have an empty one so I can lurk on people. Like I have really limited time and energy for fandom, and I don't want to spend it writing stuff that people just hate seeing and making them feel bad, and then feeling bad myself for liking the stuff I like.

Anyway, I found your blog a little while ago and I am OBSESSED with your creativity and your perspective on like everything, so I'm sorry to be a weird rambling anon but basically I'm just trying to say your blog has made a difference to how I feel about my own freaky way of loving Marius and I just love your openness and acceptance and your ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS A++ MARIUS TAKES and you genuinely have improved my VC experience 100% and I'm glad you haven't been erased from existence.

ugh see this is what I mean dude!! I'm so sorry to hear you had that experience!!!!!! Please talk to me off anon any time, I'd love to see your posts if you wanna come back and share again!

I BRING THIS UP NOW AND THEN so I'm sorry if I'm like a rambling old man telling the same story 400 times, but, now and then I think it bears repeating. But like, when I was 13, a boy at my school bashed my head open on a locker (I had to go to the hospital and get my head stapled shut) and he punched me in the face so hard that I have permanent ligament damage in my jaw. And it was because I was like, a baby bat and I was into numetal and Wicca and I was like the only kid in my small town school who didn't go to church. The day it happened I was wearing a Korn shirt!!! And I had blue hair! And I'd been like very intensely bullied my whole time in middle school, and the adults in my life NEVER protected me. This was RIGHT after Columbine and people were still buying into the propaganda that the killers were bullied goth kids and not fucking neo-nazis, so like, the entire time I was getting violently harassed, every day!, no one protected ME because they thought I would turn out to be the violent one. And yet, I was being put on hit lists. I had a gun pointed at me. A boy one time stole my Wicca book out of my backpack and read it to the class to make fun of me, but *I'm* the one who got in trouble for it because they thought I wanted to cast spells & curses on my classmates. The boy who assaulted me was a KNOWN problem in our school, and I wasn't even the first girl he hurt! MEANWHILE I still got a week of detention for having my head bashed open because they said I started the fight. ((This is up for debate: Yes I actually did throw the first punch LMFAO but he HAD been teasing me incessantly for like ever so like come the fuck on. I deserved that one.))

idk why I was just born like, without any shame or something, I guess it's innate, the rebel streak, I can't explain, but none of this really hurt my feelings? Every time people would make fun of me I was thinking "Yeah but I love Korn and they're so COOL and if you're making fun of me that means you're NOT cool and I don't really value anything you have to say????" And that really sustained me through all of this.

So yatta yatta terfs & conservatives poisoned the fandom well on Tumblr and I always think that it's not so different -- being picked on because you like something weird & offputting or whatever, and being treated like a threat or a danger when you're the one who's vulnerable to harassment and violence. In the digital space on Tumblr it's going to be about like kinky stuff and villainfucking and IRL it was because I was the only goth at my school and I liked horror films. It's the same shit, being harassed because of the fiction you like and the media you consume. And on Tumblr it's people being absolute fucking dickheads and IRL it was me being put in the hospital because a guy put his fucking hands on me, he was that upset that I was into cool shit.

And just. Yknow. It does suck when you want fandom to be a chillout space and you get your feelings hurt. It fucking SUCKS when people show up here specifically to be unkind to others, like I can't think of a less productive use of time. But part of me always thinks "I didn't get my head stapled shut for some grassless little fucking weasel on tunglr dot com to shame me over vampire porn" lmao.

(As an aside if you ever want to look into other examples of people being IRL fucked over over STUFF THEY LIKE, google the West Memphis Three ((innocent metalheads who did 20 years on death row because people thought the weird metal boys MUST be murderers)) or the FBI trying to file Juggalos as a GANG which means anyone who had an ICP phase and got a Hatchetman tattoo as an 18 year old is now in jeopardy of losing their fucking children for affiliating with a gang, okay. And this isn't even to scratch the surface of the way people treat hip hop and way it's mired in racism. Censorship and thought policing are always going to come down to Christofascism and white supremacy, but I digress.)

So blah blah all that to say, I'm not going anywhere and it pisses me the fuck off that people can't keep this bullshit to their private group chats. I have NO idea what anyone gains by acting like this in public.

Like, yeah yeah, fandom is silly, whatever, but hobbies are legit! And we deserve a space to unwind that isn't ruined by capitalism and bigotry and just, some little space to land. ESPECIALLY when, let's be real!, it's very very very common for fandom folks to be neurodivergent. I mean why else would we be so obsessed and blorbo-sick lol. So like, it just feels extra fucking shitty of people to be rude to fans like that, to make you feel shame for the thing that excites you.

Fandoms SELF GENERATE. Someone has to be here posting shit and we have to interact with it and create community. And genuinely if all you can contribute is your horseshit attitude, you can go fuck yourself!!! And I can't begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart when I see this infighting in one fandom, because like, being a Marius fan - BELIEVE ME - when I tell you I've done my time as persona non grata, the antis have fucking come for me LMFAO, I'm on the blocklists, I've been accused of absolutely heinous bullshit for liking a stupid fake vampire character. Like, listen!

I've had my head bashed open on a locker for liking numetal! You're not going to chase me off Tumblr!!!!!!

Anyway this got away from me, idk what I'm trying to say, I'm saying that I'm so sorry you had a bad experience and I hope you come back some time! And I encourage everyone to block & curate your space as needed to make for a happy escape zone. EVEN BLOCKING ME, I KNOW I GET ON PEOPLES NERVES SOMETIMES. And my content isn't for everyone! It's fine! Stay safe please, and I love you, and I have your fucking back dude!!!

AND EVERYONE ELSE JUST, HOLY SHIT BE NICE TO PEOPLE. IT COSTS $0 TO BE FUCKING NICE TO PEOPLE. IF YOU'RE NOT BEING CREATIVE YOU'RE BEING DESTRUCTIVE!

#fandom lolitics

[ghouljams]

Ghoul, I have a question.

I always see people describing the CoD guys as « knowing what they want », and a lot of readers are also described like that. Not that it is wrong, on the contrary, I like it a lot, because I’m not really confident myself (even though I try real hard to be) and it throws me into a world where I am. It allows me to dream.

But the thing is, I keep wondering if some of the guys would actually like someone like me, who is always unsure, hesitating, who takes time to decide for absolutely everything. Who’s extremely shy to the point of getting really anxious around people, and who has no idea of how relationships work. Who does everything to give and never know how to take without being embarrassed and feeling like I don’t deserve it, who sees others taking advantage of it and runs away even further from people every time it happens. I try to overcome all of this, but there’s no real progress, and I genuinely think the CoD guys would end up being frustrated with me, or bored, or both. Or that they would even be interested in me in the first place.

I’m not trying to vent or anything, but it’s just that you portray every character so well (yours too, I love them so much) that I was wondering what your thoughts would be about this ?

Anon I will answer this for you person to person and not as a writer.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you which darling would be nervous like you, which CoD boy would be patient, because at the end of it all these people do not exist and we can make them do whatever we want. I am going to tell you that anyone who loves you and wants to know you will understand and accommodate your nerves. Sex is a conversation, whether you know what you want or don't. Your partner should provide a safe space for you to try things out and decide what you do or don't like, they should be there to boost you up not shame you for your indecision.

Hesitation is natural, needing time to decide is not a bad thing. If the person you're trying to sleep with gets frustrated with you then you should not be sleeping with them. Sex is fun but it's also vulnerable, you should feel comfortable enough to voice your opinions to your partner and know that they'll talk it out with you.

In my own show of Ghoul vulnerability, I struggle a lot with feeling like I deserve the things I get. The space that I occupy feels like something I need to justify, I'm constantly afraid that I'm too much or that my desires/needs will be a bother to the people around me. I spent my whole childhood being pushed aside and told that my needs didn't matter, and that no one had time for me, and it left wounds that I will probably never heal from. But let me tell you right now: We both deserve to take up space, to be people, and to get the same things that others do. There's nothing that either of us have to do to justify our existence or our right to the things we want.

I truly suggest looking into therapy or finding a friend that you can talk about this with. Being selfish is one of the best things you can do for yourself. And if you feel like you're too scared to do it, do it scared. I don't believe that you don't know what you want, even if it's just knowing what you want to try. I do think you've forced yourself to push it aside or rationalize it away, and same, but that doesn't mean my desires aren't in me somewhere. We all know what we want, it's just a matter or articulating it.

All my love darling, I wish you the best.

#ghoul speaks #not fic #new ghoul lore I guess

[t4transsexual]

why do you identify with "lesbian" if you say you're a man. A man can't be a lesbian, i don't understand it.

The whole lesbian concept excludes men bc it has nothing to do with men. Lesbian is women loving women, and if you identify as a man, i don't understand how you can identify w the lesbian community as well.

like this isba genuine question, I'd like to listen to your explanation bc im genuinely confused!

trans men, and any trans person really, cannot exist on the same binary cisgender people exist on. the binary was not made with trans people in mind, to be trans and to change your sex (which isnt limited to bottom surgery btw), would be inherently nonbinary, simply because the binary does not accommodate for trans people

beyond that, trans men dont have the same rights privileges and power that a cis man would have. meaning that while a trans man IS a man, he is not a cis man, and thus cannot experience male privilege, or the systemic power that comes with being a cis man

so we can conclude from that two things. one, trans people are inherently nonbinary. while not every trans person identified as nonbinary, the act of transitioning, socially and medically, is an inherently nonbinary act. i personally choose to identify as nonbinary to deal with the distress of people forcing me into the cis man category when i am fundementally different from them. now that we have concluded that the act of transitioning is nonbinary, let me address that: trans men have always been included in lesbianism. the communities are not seperate. the historical definition of lesbian has included gender diverse people as well as women, and trans men are still gender diverse

beyond that; a trans man identifying as a lesbian is not the same as a cis man identifying as a lesbian. the ideas that trans men are men and that trans men are NOT cis men can both be true. trans men who are attracted to women have more societally in common with lesbians (especially genderqueer lesbians) than cishet men. yes, trans men identify as straight all the time. however, if a trans man wants to identify as a lesbian, who are we to deny him? he isnt a cis man, hes not a threat to lesbianism or to the queer community.

faq:

"wouldnt identifying as a lesbian and a trans man be invalidating?"

a: different trans men have different opinions for themselves and their gender. some trans men choose to identify as straight/heterosexual, some trans men choose to identify as lesbians. it just depends on the person, however, if a trans man truly felt invalidated by the lesbian label, he just wouldn't use it. you dont get to assign rules on how a trans man chooses to identify, and you don't know him better than he knows himself

"what IS a lesbian then?"

a: the historical defintion of a lesbian is any gender diverse individual who likes women and/or gender diverse people. however, every lesbian can tell you something different. i know lesbians who only date binary women. i know lesbians who are exclusively t4t. i know lesbians who are femme4butch and date trans men who are butches. someones personal definition of their own lesbianism doesnt invalidate yours, and vice versa

"whats next, a CIS man identifying as a lesbian to cause trouble?"

a: and what if the world was made of pudding? trans men are not cis men, and to believe such is wishful thinking at best, and ultimately distressing to trans people. beyond that, i raise a counterargument of, what if we let trans people use the bathroom of their preferred gender? what would happen if a cis person used the opposite genders bathroom to cause trouble? the fact of the matter is, punishing trans people who are trying to live for the hypothetical cis person doing something wrong is transphobic and also stupid

"evan, i dont WANT to date a male lesbian/lesbian on t! what does this mean for my lesbianism?"

a: absolutely nothing! date who you want! you actually dont have to be attracted to every single person who is a lesbian! i know im not! youre allowed your preferences. i do know for a fact that some lesbians, especially under the trans/genderqueer umbrella are really into trans male lesbians and lesbians on t, but that does NOT mean that you have to be! once again, nobody elses personal definition of lesbianism can invalidate YOUR personal definition of lesbianism. im ALL ABOUT doing what you want!

#long post #boy lesbians #boy lesbian #boysbian #he/him lesbian #trans lesbian #answering this in good faith even tho i doubt it was asked the same way #just bc ive been meaning to make this post

[hiimgin]

Hey!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

How are you? How was your year? I hope all is well or getting better.

I'd like to tag the people who are especially important to me. Those who have become incredibly important to me in such a short period of time. Those who continue to make me happy.

@almost-an-artist . Lily, my beautiful Lily! I am very glad that we have started communicating with you. It seems like we've been in touch for no more than three months.... But I feel like we've been talking forever. And, oh... Your work continues to shock me to the core. Did I mention that I'm genuinely in love with your artwork?

@whyoneartheven. Oh, Evie! You were literally my third followers and, damn. You're so wonderful. You're a pleasure to hang out with, even though we don't do it too often. You're really cool, and your artwork..... I truly love your style. I hope you're doing well

@kiwi-der-vogel . You know how much I love your work. It's just beautiful. Beautiful in every way. And you yourself... Kiwi, you're wonderful. Yes, we've barely spoken, but I'm truly glad to have you. Thank you

@prince-of-red-lions . Oh, great Windy! You don't know how impressed I am with you. You're very sweet. And you're a pleasure to talk to. I'm really glad I got to know you. And, oh, my goddesses. Windy, I love your art!

@akchimp75 . You're precious. I'm sorry we're not communicating right now. I really hope we can fix this. I really, truly consider you my friend and I want to apologize to you for being very passive lately.

@undertheopensky. A wonderful person. I don't know what else to say. You're beautiful. I'm really glad we're in touch, even if not as often.

@turdofanerd. I'm sorry, I can't say much. You are awesome! Your style is very cool and your support is very, very strong. Thanks for everything!

@blakesoul16. My darling, you're adorable. And so is your art. Please keep it up! I really like your art a lot

@gia-d. This is when I want to apologize. I remember what you said about being able to text you anytime, but, uh. I'm just embarrassed to do it. And I want to apologize for that.

You're amazing. Very nice to talk to, and... I truly love your art.

@raven8224. Ooh, I couldn't forget you. Do you know how cool you are? You're so cool! Just-- Wow.

@la-sera. Honestly, I've been thinking about this for a long time. But... I'm truly glad I found out about you. I am truly grateful to the Goddesses that you exist. Your artwork is magical. You are an incredible person yourself! Thank you. For everything.

You have all become incredibly important rays of light in my life. I didn't think, coming into July, that I would have even one friend..... Thank you all!

I apologize that the post came out a bit rambling..... It was a little difficult to put my thoughts and words together

But remember, I love everyone. Absolutely everyone. You are all beautiful and hold a special place in my heart. I love you all so much.

Peace, everyone!

Bye.

#amour wanna talk! #i love you guys

[asttrogirl]

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐧︱𝐫𝐢𝐧 𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢

﹙❀﹚PAIRING; itoshi rin x f!reader

﹙❀﹚WC; 0,7k

﹙❀﹚SUMMARY; rin really thinks you like her brother.

"So... do you like him?" Rin murmured as they walked together through the streets towards the train station. The gentle spring breeze caressed their faces, creating an atmosphere filled with anticipation and nervousness.

You raised an eyebrow, confused by the question. "Who?" you asked, trying to hide your surprise and curiosity.

"You know who I'm talking about," Rin replied through gritted teeth, furrowing their brow.

As they continued on their path, Rin battled internally, struggling with their own feelings and the uncertainty that engulfed them. They wanted to confess something, something they had recently discovered that made them reconsider the nature of their relationship with you.

Rin knew many things, but deep down, they truly knew that they were hopelessly in love with you. It wasn't just a simple attraction; it was a genuine and pure love that had grown in their heart as the days went by.

The words got stuck in their throat, afraid of ruining what they already had. However, they also knew that if they didn't express their feelings, they would always wonder what could have been.

With each step they took, Rin realized they were willing to do the impossible for you. They didn't want to settle for just being your companion; they longed for something deeper and more meaningful.

So when they began to notice how nervous and clumsy you became every time you visited their house, they could only think of one thing: that you were in love with their older brother, Sae.

Because, of course, Sae was better than Rin in several aspects, so it was natural for Rin to think that you had finally started to see the older Itoshi with different eyes.

The tension in the air became palpable as Rin anxiously awaited your response.

On the other hand, you felt trapped in a dilemma, unsure of how to handle the situation.

Finally, you decided to be honest and face the truth. You cleared your throat and gathered your courage before responding, "Rin, I understand that you may have that impression, but I have to tell you that my feelings are not towards Sae."

Rin looked at you incredulously, their eyes searching for any signs of deception in your words. "Are you sure? Because I've noticed how you behave when you're around him, how you blush and how your eyes light up when you talk to him."

You took a deep breath, searching for the right words to explain your feelings. "It's true that I feel comfortable with Sae and enjoy our friendship, but the romantic feelings you have in mind don't exist. My heart, Rin, belongs to someone else."

Rin's expression softened slowly as they tried to process your words. "Who?" they asked in a barely audible voice, a mix of curiosity and resignation.

With determination, you looked straight into Rin's eyes and said, "Rin, it's you. For some time now, I've felt something more than friendship towards you."

Their eyes opened slightly at your confession, but you maintained your composure, even though inside your heart began to beat forcefully. You didn't expect Rin to confess their feelings as well, but somehow, you felt that there was something special between the two of you.

Relief filled Rin's heart upon hearing your response. They had been so wrong to think that you were interested in their older brother. Now, finally, they understood that you also felt something special for them.

"I'm sorry, truly, for thinking wrong," Rin apologized, sincerely repentant. "I was unfair to you, jumping to conclusions without asking."

You nodded understandingly, feeling the sincerity in their words.

Rin gently took your hand, intertwining their fingers with yours. "I would like to make it up to you," they said with a determined look. "Would you like to go on a date with me? I want to show you how important you are to me."

A playful smile danced on your lips as you accepted their invitation. "I would love to go on a date with you, Rin."

Hand in hand, you continued walking towards the train station, this time with a renewed energy and a deeper connection between the two of you.

©asttrogirl│don't copy or translate

#rin itoshi x reader #itoshi rin #blue lock x reader #blue lock

[mazyb0i]

Someone on Reddit tried to say that Rick only truly loves Beth, and to prove them wrong, so here I am!

tldr:

Character analysis of Rick Sanchez from an autistic fans point of view, understanding his attachment styles.

He'll do anything for BP, if season 6 proves anything, it's that he'll die for BP. He literally admitted to loving him, which I have not heard him tell or say about anyone before in the show. When

he does say stuff like that it is significant. Bird person is the only character on the show he has been openly genuine with.

If season 7 proves anything, Pers is the only one that can sneak up behind him and grab him out of nowhere without getting some snarky comment, mean look, or a left hook. They both care about each other deeply, that is clear. Rick was extremely

upset by the wedding with Tammy. Rick told the bird person how much he respected him more than anyone, even when he contradicted himself by saying nothing matters, he wanted to be with Percy. He wanted to travel with him and spent every moment with him.

--

"Then why did you help me?"

"I respect you, and I wanted you to know that you could respect me too."

" But if nothing matters...?"

"You matter! You matter to me."

"Uhhh- Rick... the relationship we have-"

"I never used that word!" - Rick (denialism)

--

It's funny how after this he calls him a judgmental dork, and not something much harsher.

--

"Why the fuck are you risking your life for that asshole!?" - Memory rick

"Because, you love him."

"You do maybe, but I don't."

"Yeah, yeah, you're real cool. Now, come help me save his life or fuck off, because I don't need you.

(Very much so loves BP.)

--

--

"I'm sorry Rick, but we cannot choose the ones we love" - Pers

"You got that right! Why do you think I'm still fucking down here!?"

--

Birdperson mentions that he would be dead if it wasn't for Rick, this also accounts for multiple times now since he brought BP back to life recently. Rick has stuck his neck out for the man so many times contradicting his "nothing matters" front, because that's what it is, it is a horrible coping mechanism to ignore your problems and pretend they don't exist because 'nothing matters'.

Its a problem that I have and I'm working through in therapy myself, it's called Denialism. Because 'if you shut yourself out from the world and your problems, then nothing can hurt you, and they don't exist'. You convince yourself you're in control when you're not, you have the least control, and it fucks you up. Rick isn't truly and fully nihilistic, or else literally nothing would matter to him. He makes sure to keep his Morty alive, he constantly brags on about how he can just get a new family, but he has the same Morty that he's had since the beginning and sticks his neck out for him as well.

--

"No, Morty. Because you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner, because I never made you a true partner."

--

--

"I was afraid if I jumped in a hole you would just stand there and watch me, you wouldn't even jump in after me!" -Morty

But then Rick in season 1 literally jumped in after Morty when he fell through the garage floor into the Schrodinger's cat void.

"Be good, Morty, be better than me."

--

--

And when Rick starts crying at his memories of Morty in season One, but he refrains from expressing it so that Morty does not become, as he puts it, "cocky" (denialism)

I would also like to point out I feel like in the later seasons he starts calling Morty 'buddy' more?? he's a lot nicer to him than he used to be, and just recently allowed Morty to hug him without pushing him away, actually hugging back. He's also stated that he respects summer very deeply, which if he says that about someone, it really means that he does. He sees his Diane in Summer, and he also implies that summer is like a cat, her affection and respect needs to be earned; unlike Morty's dog like affection that is just given away. But we also hear Rick say that Morty reminds him a lot of himself when he was younger, this implies a lot of parallels.

Memory Rick brought out a lot of Rick that we didn't see previously, a person who wasn't fully tainted by the lack of treating mental Health issues, coping issues, unhealthy attachments, and all the other things that led up to Rick being the way he is. he said his heart broken so many times, he's been backstabbed, he is very hurt person. This doesn't excuse all of his actions but is a very good explanation and reason for why he is the way he is and the way the human psyche copes with it's environment to protect itself. it's like walking up to a caged animal with a taser, these are his defense mechanisms, it makes him look like a dick on the outside but currently it is the only thing that he knows how to do on instinct for protection, and that's why he's in therapy. This is why I believe he's genuinely trying to get better, he can get along with his therapist more than ever, even if he has sly remarks he genuinely listens to Mrs. Wong.

--

"I don't like being told where to go or what to do. I consider it a violation."

--

"There's a lesson here, and I won't be the one to figure it out"

--

"I don't discuss problems, I incinerate them"

--

"It was charmingly analog. For a sec, you kind of made me like myself." - Mem Rick

"You'll grow out of it." - Rick

He resents his younger self for helping him and makes sure to mention that he "grew out" of his ability to like himself, Rick has some extreme self-hatred. it's hard to fully love someone or Express a healthy relationship when you can't even have a healthy relationship with yourself.

--

"You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!" -Morty

"Because I AM THE ONE, Morty. You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid knights of the morning sun thing!? I SAID don't take the fucking sword! And you were like "Whatever", like I'm our neighbor Jean or David Arquette or something!! You called me boring! I've become dog shit to you! That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you! They touch your shit, they screw things up, they KILL your fuckin family! Go ahead and trust them, you're gonna learn the same fuckin thing." -Rick

--

#character analysis #rick and morty #rick sanchez #birdrick #rick n morty #birdperson #morty c137 #rick c137 #summer smith #dr wong #therapy #mental health discussion #analysis #character development

[chainofclovers]

(apparently i will never stop having) ted lasso s3 thoughts

It was such an interesting and weird experience to mostly really like TL s3 because it kind of felt like agreeing to go on a vacation with a large group of people and at the end I was like "well there were some ups and downs but that was a good time and I'm going to put together a scrapbook of this special vacation that broke my heart in ways I kind of appreciated" and then many fellow travelers were like "I can't believe I was stupid enough to get tricked to go on this shitty vacation and that we're all having such a bad time." And also it was like that at every checkpoint throughout the travels. I obviously wasn't alone in loving plenty of things about the season; I feel lucky that there are people who feel similarly enough to me that it wasn't totally lonely, and also of course it doesn't truly matter that everyone has different opinions about the same thing. I don't need a bunch of identical opinions to feel like I've earned the right to my own. It's more that there were multiple points where I was genuinely questioning whether my brain was just working totally differently in a way I should actually explore more because of how I felt about the intentions/intentionality and execution behind certain things on the show. Things that if I'd been watching sans fandom experience but with a similar level of obsession, I think I'd have been pretty unphased by and peaceful with. And it made me genuinely sad to feel like so many people I care about were having such a bad time with something that I, for whatever reason, was just having a mostly good time with in ways that I wish I could have transferred over.

Also, I'm clearly still trying to figure out how I feel because I did have an extremely emotional reaction to the show ending, more akin to something deeply earth-shattering happening in my own actual 3d life. There was a 72-ish hour period in which I cried more than I had in probably a year or two combined before that. I cried in the bathroom at a baseball game because baseball >>> sports >>> Ted. I cried about things I wanted to see on my screen that I did not get to see. I cried about the absolute unfairness of a human being only being able to exist in one physical space at a time. I cried about having a community that was centered around a shared interest and the sheer stress that goes into that. All through the summer and even now, although I am no longer crying about Ted per se, I feel like my ability to cry is way more close to the surface than it used to be.

So it's not that I had some kind of super simple reaction to the show that just made me willing to bop along to everything, even if some of my crying was just about mourning the end of something and appreciating it. There are definitely things I'd change if I'd been involved, including:

Zava's presence would have been a far more short-lived dalliance with the team that would allow them to do the same exact stuff in terms of Zava's recruitment allowing the show to more explicitly discuss Rupert's manipulation of both Rebecca and Nate (I loved that Zava initially felt like a device that would allow Rebecca to make those observations with full awareness that this is what was happening to Nate, and I thought her backstory coupled with Nate's scenes with Rupert were super well done)...but it would not have dragged into so many other episodes (and this would have freed up time for one of the main things I felt was missing, which was a more explicit discussion of the legacy of coaching, which Ted and Roy [and also Beard and Trent via the book and eventually Nate] all needed more room to discuss)

Shandy's role in KJPR would have been more explicitly about mentorship and its limitations and would have afforded Keeley more onscreen contemplation time

Instead of backtracking into raging out with jealousy over Keeley in the final episode, Jamie and Roy would have had their fight sooner in the season and would've spent the finale navigating the ambiguities of simply not knowing what was going to happen with all their relationships (which is what we basically get in the montage, and I believe those characters would get there, but even as a non-linear progress enthusiast I found their final scenes together annoying after having really loved most of their scenes together throughout the entire series...I have no trouble believing that Roy and Keeley would likely reunite in the future, or that they might really pull off the throuple, and I didn't personally need to see that happen on my screen, but I did want a more concretely sunk in growth moment for Roy)

One (1) fewer ambiguous facial expression from Michelle Keller, please, mostly because of how much I've hated talking about it

Ted and Roy would have gotten a goodbye(-for-now) that alluded to their overlapping traumas and things they had observed about each other and appreciated in each other

BUT. In general, I felt like the characters were never unrecognizable (including Ted in 3x12, who was not emotionless and dead inside and cruel and would not need to grovel if/when he returns to the UK and I will totally die on that hill), and the various missed opportunities and unfinished business and open-ended trailings off into the future did nothing to ruin the perfect beauty of s1 (which will always be soooo special and great) or the (often more clunky than s3 in my opinion) complications of s2 (which I did love in its way).

I think I'm just basically at my core someone whose favorite show is this one? So I'd rather, when my brain presents the options, take the more generous interpretation of certain things in a way that allows me to engage more fully than I would otherwise, if disappointment was ruling my viewing experience. And I think a kitchen metaphor is the only way I can make sense of this whole experience and why I'm kinda here for it and find post-canon a compelling place to explore.

I think of a cook performing mise en place to get a dish ready to cook. Or a baker getting all their ingredients out on the counter so they can more easily assemble the cookies or whatever. But if you're making more than one thing, which I think Ted Lasso the show was doing (and your mileage may vary on how well that went), you've got your assembled thing in the oven and then you're also doing prep for the next thing and you're loading the dishes in the sink from the old thing and it's kind of a constant state of prep and action and clean-up. And agree with it or not, s3 ends when pretty much every character has a messy kitchen. I absolutely include Ted in this. The montage at the end feels like Ted's attempt to neaten up the kitchens of every person he knows so that he can survive making his choice to take a long physical break from actually being in those kitchens. (Linked post describes how I feel about that scene, which I do think was reality rather than a dream, but highly filtered through one person's consciousness.)

(((Whispers: and the thing that mystifies me the most about fan reactions--other than the literal threats of violence against creators--is the whole "I guess Ted and Rebecca didn't have any meaningful connection after all and the parallels were just accidents or cruel jokes" thing...which is not something I have really read or seen online much recently at all if you're wondering. Because their parallel journeys matter so much! And the main way I can make sense of it all is by feeling like they did have all the ingredients out for the meal that would allow them to have gotten together during the 3 season arc, and because of Ted's very necessary choice they could not do that, and that doesn't mean the ingredients and their particular arrangement are meaningless even if hurts. That is genuinely what I see. And I completely understand why the missed opportunities or lack of acknowledgment of certain parallels is frustrating, but what i don't understand is the belief that the things we actually did get shouldn't have even been there if they weren't gonna kiss. I feel similarly about where Ted and Beard end up, actually, but that may be a post for another time [or the inside of my brain only] because I'm already very self-conscious about how long this is. The "Jason I am in your walls what was the reason for any of this" stuff just makes me feel so. Incredibly. Tired. The reasons were in the show!)))

Ted Lasso's finale attempted to put one last dish in the oven and bake it and bring it out, but just behind the outstretched arms with the neatly presented dish is a kitchen (a whole ensemble's worth of kitchens) in absolute disarray, no matter how much good stuff the characters have learned about mise en place and being a loving person and all that. Because the dishes literally never stop when you're a person, and neither does the hunger. I am not necessarily interested in analyzing how other shows whose endings I've loved or hated handle their character's figurative kitchens, but I do think that the way this show handled it is a big reason why the finale (and whole final season) was so divisive. I would love to remain as happily obsessed with it as I am while figuring out how to feel less intense feelings about how much some of the communal elements of it stress me out! I am an adult! I get how opinions work! I just have lots of feelings, I guess. :/

#ted lasso #meta by me #ted lasso meta #ted lasso 3x12 #hot dork club #sorry about all this? #i mean not really sorry but yeah #ted x rebecca #about me

[jojo-schmo]

UHHHHH no anon but uh.....your art cool..i just wanted to say that lol- LIKE I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY LOVE YA ART it makes me happy and your style is like...so cute! your style is pretty sweet and i like the au your doing (i am currently looking through all the stuff ya doin' lol) your really cool and your art cool and i hope you know u inspire me alot/gen! i hope ya have a good day and stuff ^^

AHHHH!!! Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to tell me this omg!! So much love in my ask box, I'm so grateful for it!!

It means a lot to hear that you like my art style too! I spent so much of my life being dissatisfied with my style and thinking it was nothing special- but boy have I changed my mind and embraced what I can do :) I'm eager to keep improving and developing it further!

Shucks, being called cool just makes me feel so warm inside heehee! I'm just out here doing my best to enjoy myself and share some of those feelings with others on here! It genuinely means the world to be able to inspire even just one person. Thank you again, truly. Keep creating what you love!! <3

Oh my goodness, that's incredible! Wow, THANK YOU! What an honor to even be able to help with a tiny part of your creative process. That character didn't exist before you brought them to life!! Isn't that just so cool? Feels like a superpower to me!

Don't feel bad about not wanting to share something! It's totally valid to have some creations to keep for yourself. I find that sometimes making things quietly to myself takes some of the pressure off and can still be very fun. And if you ever change your mind and decide to share, that's okay too! I bet there's someone out there who will love your drawings and ideas very very much. :)

UWAHH thank you for saying that!! AHH I feel so much love and kindness!!

Honestly, it's pretty wild to me how much better and more confident I've gotten in my art even in the past year or so of making this comic. I look back at some of those first pages every now and then and marvel at the different ways I've evolved since then, hahaha.

I never would've imagined myself being able to commit to a project this big before. I guess I just kind of reached the mindset of, it's okay if I don't know how to draw everything. If something looks wonky, at least I gave it a try instead of giving up before I attempt it like I've done before. This can be a learning experience for me too! And I'm so glad I'm committed to it :D Turns out getting out of your comfort zone is a very good way to improve!

Thank you! Life in general is just all right haha. But I am definitely very happy to have a little corner of the internet here with kind people to share stories and art with <3

#ask #<3 #thank you again for the words #they make me happier than I can express!!