#so my choices are really just numb or kill myself

[msbarrybeeson]

Don’t | Donnie X Reader

A/N: This was so lovely to write. In my opinion, Donnie would be the most challenging of the four brothers. I think there are specifics to his behavior and personality, so trying to accurately replicate it does take some time. Apologies for any out-of-characterness from Donnie. Remember that constructive criticism is always appreciated, especially for characters, and enjoy! 

Requested: @sunnyselks 

Summary: You were wounded from protecting Donnie. When you were waving off his demands to treat you, he had to take it into his own hands to tend to you.

Genre: Hurt-Comfort

Reader: Second POV. Gender-neutral pronouns if any.

Pairing: Rise!Donnie X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of blood, needles, cuts. Argument over each other’s safety.

Word Count: ~1060

~

“Don, I’m fine.”

“Oh, sure, tell me that while your clothes are soaked in blood!” Donnie yelled. “Take off your shirt, (Name), or I’m not letting you leave the grounds of this room.”

“Donnie,” you stressed, clutching the wound on your arm. 

“(Name), don’t.”

You turned away from him, about to leave his room despite his warning. “It’s a minor injury, I’m perfectly fi—.”

Suddenly, small chips leeched onto your arm, catching you off-guard. They unfolded into wrist binds, where you realized this was his way of forcing you to stay put.

“Don!” you grunted, as the binds pulled you toward facing a wall. “Are you serious!?”

“As Galileo is about his heliocentric model.” Donnie took a binder clip from one of his desk drawers. “You leave me no choice, (Name).” As soon as the turtle lifted your shirt up from behind, chills ran over your skin from the cold air hitting the other cut on your back. He wrapped the hem over your collar, then proceeded to clip it.

“I could’ve done this myself or gone to a hospital,” you muttered.

Donnie scoffed. “And let them force you to pay expensive bills as your last resort when you have me? I thought you knew better than that.” He cleaned the blood around your wound with a wet paper towel before applying an alcohol wipe to disinfect.

“You know full well you can’t stitch your own back either. You wouldn’t want to risk inquiring your parental guardians for help in the end and being forced to give a whole explanation.”

“...”

From the corner of your eyes, you could see Donnie picking up a needle. The thought of it puncturing you made you shudder. There were vaccinations and blood tests, but they never changed your tension with needles.

You wanted to get this over with— the suspense was only making you more vulnerable.

“Are you going to inject the needle, Donnie—?” Your nails immediately dug into your palm as pain struck. "Argh..!" You winced badly.

“Don’t move,” he paused, “if that wasn’t obvious enough.”

“Easier said than done when I'm not used to having my skin pricked—!” You seethed, “Urgh.. couldn’t you have numbed it?”

“What, with lidocaine?” Donnie replied monotonously. “No, because you wouldn’t learn and would try to save me again—,” he pricked the needle the fourth time, “even though you are a human who could’ve gotten killed— God—why in the name of logic did you do that, (Name)!?”

“I did it to protect you!” you argued.

“Don’t you dare ignore the fact that you could’ve gotten killed!”

“I am capable of my own safety.”

“Scoffs. Think common sense, (Name). You’re a human,” he reminded, the anger in his voice showing. “I’m a mutant turtle; I have the biological features to defend myself!”

“You’re a soft-shelled turtle.”

Donnie stopped moving the needle. "Really, assuming that my soft-shell automatically makes me vulnerable? Are you trying to tell me I’m unable to protect myself because of that, (Name)?”

He frowned. “I have my technology— my intelligence to accommodate, so don’t put yourself in danger whenever the hell possible and let me handle myself. End of discussion.”

You wanted to slam your fists. As he was about to add another stitch, your body shook.

“They destroyed your battle shell!” Anguish scratching your voice. “Just because you're a mutant or because you have your military-grade tech, doesn't mean you won't get murdered, crushed!

God, don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not trying to assume or belittle neither you nor your tech. All I'm concerned about is keeping you alive!”

“...”

“You weakened your voice. “If me getting injured means you’d be okay, then that’s enough for me.”

Donnie’s breath hitched.

..You knew your turtle wasn’t great at apologizing, but his silence told you everything. He didn’t make a snarky or sarcastic remark.. instead, he listened.

“..I’m sorry.”

“I know. But don’t put yourself down.. I never once thought you're supposed to be perfectly strong or invulnerable. That applies to everyone all the same. Flaws happen, whether we're fine with it or not.”

You turned your head to look at Donnie. Something was still bothering him.

“But I’ll try not to scare you again if that makes you feel better.” The tension left his face, and he proceeded to finish the last few stitches.

It was all calm and quiet until he dragged his cold finger lightly over the stitched-up wound. You shuddered.

“You keep flinching so much.”

“You’re one to talk, you’re sensitive to touch as much as I am, if not so much more.”

“No, no, not that. I find it interesting, because.. I don’t see you reacting so violently when April stitched up the other cut on your back. You know, from falling off the table.” As Donnie applied a cotton pad and tape to cover your wound, he looked up to meet your eyes.  

But you quickly faced away to the other direction.

Donnie leaned the same way, one of his brows raised.

And you avoided eye-contact yet again.

.

.

.

Ah.

“You’re flustered.”

“What?” The red rushing to your ears.

“Flustered,” he repeated. “Its definition being ‘agitated, confused, ruffled—.’”

“No, I meant: how am I flustered?”

Donnie dragged his finger along your skin again. You felt your face heat up.

“You’re flustered from having your back exposed to me.”

“I’m not.” You sensed his ego returning.

“Tell that to my lie-detector and we’ll see how that goes.”

“You have a polygraph?”

“Of course not,” Donnie actually scoffed. “We all know polygraphs are never accurate enough to be trusted.” He unclipped your shirt and released the binds on your wrists.

You groaned, rubbing your aching hands. “You had me binded to a wall, and lifted my shirt to stitch my cut— so of course— I would feel exposed.. and flustered.” You sat in your turtle's desk chair.

“Yes, exactly, I did that to treat you." He crossed his arms. "And I find that hypocritical, considering you exposed yourself and your whereabouts on the Internet."

You gave him a look, before holding your knees to your chest. There was a change in expression as you whispered, "..Thanks."

Donnie stood awkwardly, rubbing his arm once he heard you and finding sincerity on your face. The soft-shelled turtle stepped closer to you and slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

"Hey, I thought you don't like this intimate stuff," you joked.

Now Donnie himself became flustered. “Don’t, (Name).”

#rottmnt #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt donnie x reader #rottmnt donatello #rise of the tmnt #rise of teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #rottmnt x reader #reader insert #imagine #fan fiction

[fairycosmos]

i’m going to kill myself tonight but i wanted to say i’ve always loved your blog and your my favourite tumblr person :)

hey, not sure if anything i can say can change your mind but please please consider calling a hotline or reaching out to a friend/family member if that's an option. i won't pretend i know the type of pain you're in, or much about the situation you're in, and i hope this doesn't come across as me saying it's easy to keep going because it's absolutely not. whether you're feeling numb, whether your thoughts are totally chaotic. it's a type of hell either way. i know things are unbearably painful so much of the time. you deserve so much better and i just don't think doing this is going to give you that. i'm not trained in all the right and wrong things to say to someone who's going through this and i know that when i'm in this place myself, there's very little anyone can do or say to get me out of it. but i do come out of it. even if i'm not happy, the pressing urge to harm myself is so strong that by its own nature it's unsustainable. it's the hardest thing in the world to bear it and i'm so sorry you're going through it. it's so fucking exhausting. and at the same time it always somewhat dies down and there is always another day to try again.

please, please get yourself to a physically safe space. if you need to cry, break down, sleep for 72 hours, take a shower, eat something, put your face in cold water, rip up a million pieces of paper to get the rage out - it's okay. whatever you need is okay. you don't have to think about what you're going to do tomorrow or next week or next month or in the next 5 years. you just have to focus on getting through today, minute by minute. if that feels like too much, second by second. and you can keep breaking it down like that until it stops feeling like some insurmountable mountain. i know words are not enough to change anything about how much despair and hopelessness you're feeling in this moment. i just want you to attempt to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. even just for the next 30 minutes. i'm going to leave some resources linked below that have helped me when i've been in a similar spot. they're not solutions and they're not cures. they're just going to allow you to see other perspectives beyond your suicidality. you are so, so worth that. please reach out to a loved one, the authorities or a hotline if you can. it is not going to be as scary as your mind is building it up to be. i would seriously hate to think of you doing something to harm yourself. you have a right to feel how you feel, but you don’t have to give these thoughts the power to actually dictate your reality. i'm really, really glad you're alive and i genuinely hope you're able to get to the point where you are too. you're the one who can really bring yourself back from the edge. what happens next is all in your hands, not in the grip of your negative thoughts, urges, or feelings. please, please do what you know is right for your safety and wellbeing. even if it's the hardest choice in the world to make. please, please stick around for today at the very least. just focus on getting through the now, no matter how unbearable. that's more than good enough, and it's all anyone can ask of you. i'm sending you so, so much love.

international suicide hotlines / guidance for creating a safety plan / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / download a how to cope factsheet / coping with suicidal thoughts right now / 10+ coping skills worksheets for adults / the coping skills toolbox / how do you stop suicidal thoughts?

#tw suicide #anon #tw sui ideation

[the-kr8tor]

I'll give you my blood if you give us an alternate ending for that time loop 🥺

Hi hun! Don't worry you don't need to sacrifice your blood for the alternative ending!

Fun fact I've actually originally written it to have a happy ending, but when I was nearing the end, I thought it would be a lot better for Hobie to accept it and finally let go (and also I kinda written myself into a corner) so I've written a bit on how it would've went down.

Thank you for reading, angel! I'm glad you liked it! ❤️❤️❤️

The original fic here

Under the clocktower alternate ending under the cut.

Hobie opens his eyes, the smell of smoke mockingly fills his nostrils, yet he doesn't get up. Maybe he should let this one burn everything, might as well right?

You run towards the kitchen, skidding to a halt when your hip hits the table. You groan out as quietly as you can, so you don't wake up Hobie.

He gets reminded of why he keeps fighting, why keeps on trying to get out of the loop and finally rescue you from your demise.

Hobie sits up, he clutches his head from the searing headache, his fingers feel numb. He feels breathless but at the same time he feels like he's choking on too much air.

All the times he's been killed and injured has finally caught up to him. He wonders what he's done to deserve this kind of punishment, surely there's more people deserving of this awful gate right?

Hobie doesn't want to believe that there's a higher power orchestrating all of this, or some spiritual cause. He lifts his head up with a groan, trying to push away the migraine knocking on his eyelids.

He roams his eyes on your room, your choice of decor, the faint blue of the walls, and the various scientific books litter around your desk.

"Wait" Hobie gets an idea, his eyes flick over your stark white coat, your name embroidered elegantly on its chest pocket, on the bottom of your name sits the name 'Alchemax'

His eyes widened when he remembered a conversation from last week.

Hobie jumps out of bed with a renewed vigour. He runs towards you trying to salvage what was left of your breakfast.

Hobie grabs you by the waist, hugging you from behind.

"Hey! Good morning to you too, you're in a good mood" you laugh.

He missed that, your laugh.

He turns you around to face him, cupping your cheeks.

"What did you say last week?"

"I said a lot of things last week, Hobie, you gotta be more specific"

"Right, when you were talking about your new job at Alchemax, what did you say you were hired for?"

"Oh! That, I was hired for programming their new collider, guess you were too busy kissing me to remember" you huff out.

He kisses you on the lips furiously, that has to be it, it has to be.

You pull away breathlessly, concern filling you.

"You okay, Hobie?"

"From now on I'll remember, I'll remember everything that you say" he pecks your lips with a smack, "know that I love you, alright?"

"I know, I love you too"

Your neighbor knocks on your door, before you could answer the door he stops you, Hobie grabs a bag of sugar then he quickly opens the door tossing it haphazardly towards the general direction of your neighbor. He closes it in a bang.

"Babe, I know you hate him, but that was a bit mean" you put your hands on your hips. "I mean really, that bag was heavy"

"He'll live" hopefully by the end you do too.

Hobie rushes to put on his suit.

You look at him confused "isn't it a bit too early for your patrols?"

"Nope," he pecks your cheek "do me a favour, take the other route this morning, I heard there's a robbery near the route you usually take" he lies.

"Yeah, sure but that takes longer though, can't you just swing me to work, you're already up anyway, please?"

Hobie takes one look at your pleading face, he almost falters. But he has to do this now.

"Sorry, love, maybe next time, yeah?" He opens the window, he stops himself, taking one good look at you.

This has to work.

He sneaks inside Alchemax.

Hobie pulls the fire alarm to get everyone out.

Once everyone is out, he finds the collider, then destroys it for good.

He feels a tugging sensation, he feels it go away immediately.

As he swings away, he glimpses your form amidst the crowd.

The clock rings out.

He fights Goblin, precognition on his side.

While he fights Goblin he tries to find you on the bridge, but you weren't anywhere near it, he doesn't know whether that's good or bad.

He defeats Goblin, he swings back home.

Hobie finds you singing to yourself, as you read on the couch. He checks the clock -7:00 pm

Did he do it? Is this it?

He runs to you, touching your shoulders. You yell at the sudden presence.

"Fuck! Hobie, you could've said hi first, jeez" you greet him with a hug. "You okay? I saw the fight on the news, you were absolutely brilliant, she couldn't even get a hit in"

"You're home early" he asks as he roams his eyes on your body, trying to find any injuries.

"Yeah, there was a fire at Alchemax, couldn't even get inside the building," you rub over his heart with your knuckles, trying to calm his raving heart. "On my first day too, just my luck huh?"

He hugs you tightly "yeah, just my luck"

Hobie waits for the other shoe to drop, he waits throughout the night, he doesn't sleep, he just lays on your bed, embracing you tightly against his.

He does this until the sun rises, your clock signaling the next day, the new date written in bold red numbers. For the first time he smiles at the morning sun.

Hobie looks down at you, checking your breathing, in and out, your chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm.

He did it, he kept his promise.

❤️

-This wasn't obviously complete lol, since I trashed this ending, while in the middle of writing.

-Another fun fact! I didn't outline the entire story but instead I wrote it based on the five stages of grief.

- i didn't continue with this ending because I liked the angsty version more whoops. 🤭

#hobie brown x reader #spider punk x reader #ask answered #spider punk #hobie brown #x reader #atsv fanfiction #spider man across the spider verse #the kr8tor's creations #time loop au #time loop #alternate ending #under the clocktower #hobie brown x gn!reader #spider punk x gn! reader #hobie brown x you #spider punk x you #under the clocktower alternate ending

[lastwordsofadyingstar]

I’ve woke up so in the mood to abuse you that I needed to write a detailed scene of how I’m thinking about it.

However, this time I decided write it as an ask, so your followers can know how — a little more — much of an anal slut you are.

First of all, I know that you crave it all, so I don’t even need to tie you up to the bed; you also know that my favorite position to do anything is with you laying down on your stomach, so you just get yourself this way for me and I get to see both your pretty pussy and your ass.

I like it this way because as much as I keep you anal and oral only, I love to see your pussy gets pathetically wet as I do anything to the rest of your body.

Kisses on your back, whispers of the terrible things I’d do with you at you ear and I think you would start to cry and get your pussy drippy before I even start anything.

Spanks on your ass aren’t off the table, neither bites in your nipples and slaps on your pussy, but you know that every session starts with fingers ou toys up your ass.

Today I wouldn’t want to start big, even knowing that you wouldn’t have a choice if I did, so you’d first feel me pushing an unlubed S size plug up your ass.

I know that’s how you like that, such a good girl and such a pain slut.

Then I’d move on to a M size, still with no lube, hoping to see at least a small scream of you; but even if I want to do it slower, I think I’d probably give up on the M size and push in the L size plug, to make sure you remember what is pain.

I’d even twist it as the larger part frictions unlubed and keeps your asshole open.

And the worst thing is that I know I’d not stop here, because even if you’re already screaming and crying, the wetter your pussy gets, the more I want to abuse your ass.

Maybe I could take the plug off, push it on again to see you sobbing, and move on to another thing.

Hmmm, perhaps I could shove the plug up your mouth to clean it while I insert a set of anal beads up your ass — maybe two sets, or three, or four.

And of course, the biggest vibrator we can find, at the highest setting, so you’d have your ass extremely stretched and also four sets of beads vibrating inside you.

I know you’d be crying as if I were killing you, but that’s what turns me on the most, and I’d keep it going on and on until I see your ass relax a little against the amount of things I put in there, so I then can start to slap your pussy for getting that fucking wet from this.

After all, I could start to put numbing gel at it, slowing working on your lips and clit, then putting it gradually inside until I get your pussy completely numb.

Then I’d remove the plug from your mouth and facefuck you a little, before taking the dildo off your ass and forcing you to also clean it with your mouth.

So with it clean, I know I’d keep it at maximum speed again and roughly shove it inside your pussy, knowing that it’d hurt you, but you’d only feel anything later.

I don’t know how desperate you’d feel knowing that your pussy is finally being used, or destroyed, but you can’t feel anything inside, just your body vibrating from it.

The I’d start fucking your ass with the anal beads still inside, now way tighter and more painful for you because of your stuffed pussy, and that’s how and where I want to cum for today.

Destroying your pretty body to get off from your tears.

Caffeine.

I've gotten so wet reading this, I love this whole concept. I'm just imagining how stretched out and gaping I'd be by the end of it. It would be so humiliating to feel myself grow wetter as you shove more and more things into my ass just to test how much I can take. I love the way you'd use numbing gel so you could use my pussy without giving me any satisfaction from it all just to make my ass tighter. I really enjoyed reading this <3

#4nal only #an4l #an4l training #im pretty sure youre the olnly person who isnt a bot who follows me

[reneeluv154]

My Baby pt2

Hope you enjoy!!

⚠️Tw this imagine contains: Mentions of rape and child loss (abortion).⚠️

It had been three days since I woke up in the patient room and I still sat here in bed. Jack did as he promised and moved my bed to the window which made me happy and cured some of my boredom but I was sick of this, sick of the pills and the breakfast in bed, especially sick of not knowing what was wrong with me.

Jack would always avoid the question when I asked.

“Sorry Y/n, I have a surgery I need to get to.”

“Hetty needs me.”

“You need some rest.”

“I don’t have a whole lot of time.”

These were just some of the many excuses he used.

I heard a very faint knock and the door opened, Jack peeking inside. “Brought you a snack.” He held up a bowl of fruit. “I’m not hungry for anything other than answers Jack and I expect to know the full story before you leave this room.” He was shocked nonetheless but sighed and sat at the end of the bed.

“Y/n, It’s a hard thing to explain I-“

“Well, then you best use your brain.” He stood and paced the room running his fingers through his hair. “Y/n, I really can't, it's best you don’t know.” I was frustrated, “Jack Dawkins, I deserve to know what you have done to me!” I had never raised my voice at him but I couldn’t take it anymore. He nodded, coming to sit on the bed and holding my hand in his. “Y/n, You were pregnant…and the baby was going to kill you, we had to cut open your stomach.” I was horrified, “Where is my baby?” Jack let go of my hand avoiding eye contact. Tears welled in my eyes, I grabbed his face resting my forehead on his own, our noses just barely touching. I took a breath.

“What have you done with my baby?” I whispered, my eyes sealed shut, praying it was all a bad dream. “Y/n, I’m sorry.”

“No!” I screamed and I sobbed falling into his arms, my adrenaline numbing any physical pain.

He held me close for what felt like hours gently playing with my hair and rubbing my back. My sobs were now soft whimpers and my breathing was more controlled. “Y/n?” He questioned, I didn't respond, “Were you aware you were pregnant?” I shook my head. I never knew I was pregnant. I had just assumed I was rapidly gaining weight for whatever reason.

“Do you know who the father was?” I had an idea of who it may have been. I never wanted to have any sexual relation with this man but it wasn’t exactly my choice. “I was raped,” I whispered, I myself couldn’t believe what I was saying. “I’m sorry Y/n, I knew after you woke up from the surgery you wouldn’t remember what happened for a few days, I never wanted to take your baby from you but I had to, I was forced to.” His voice was hushed and calm. I turned to face him, my head still on his lap, he was still playing with my hair. “Who forced you to?”

“Darius.”

My rapist, Darius, was my rapist, I remembered. “Y/n, I know it might seem selfish, he was going to have me hung but more importantly you would have died.” The tears in his eyes told how much guilt he had. “Why would I die?”

He choked, “He was going to poison you and the baby, Neither of you would have made it. I chose the way in which I could save the most lives.”

A tear fell from his cheek and onto my gown. I wasn’t mad at him, I couldn’t be, he hadn’t asked to be put in such a situation. “I’m so sorry, love. You would have been such a beautiful mother.” He ran a thumb over the top of my cheek wiping a few more tears. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. I never saw Jack cry and now he was sobbing.

Before I could even think I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. The kiss was deep with meaning and passion but I pulled away. “Jack, you should have never been put in this situation, I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at Darius, not just for what he has done to me but for what he’s done to you, and my baby.” I would have hated knowing what I went through for my baby but would have loved to see them grow even if not by my motherly love.

“I love you.” Jack breathed, I nodded “I love you too.”

Me and Jack had been close from the day he arrived here. Now we lay on the bed, Jack holding me close, My head on his chest, while we looked at the stars, trying to ease ourselves. “Jack.”

“Hm.”

“Boy or girl?”

“A Girl sweetheart.”

I pointed out to the brightest star in the sky. “That’s my baby girl.”

#artful dodger #tbs #tbs fanfic #tbs imagine #tbs smut #thomas brodie sangster #jack dawkins #jack dawkins imagine #the artful dodger #thomas brodie sangater smut #thomas brodie sangster imagine #jack dawkins smut #artful dodger smut #a5 newt #thomas sangster #benny watts #benny watts fanfic #benny watts imagine #benny watts sex #benny watts smut #newt imagine #newt imagines #queens gambit

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

#borderline culture is #borderline personality disorder #bpd culture is #bpd safe #bpd culture #bpd #actually bpd #actually borderline #tw suicide #cw suicide #tw vent #cw vent #- 🌟

[imtooscaredforthis]

Entrapment

Chapter Twenty Seven: Peace & Love

Mentions of: Blackmailing, Manipulation (not from readers pov but still), alcohol, scars and mature themes

A/N: So sorry for the late update, but y’all can have a cute chapter as a reward <3

Tags: @elentiyaiswriting @dead-bxxxtch-walking @mama-miya @vandeaad @the-fandoms-georgie

You didn’t want to go to work today. You felt awful after what happened with Jed. One of your biggest pet peeves was when people took their anger out on you, making you miserable just because they’re having a bad day. And that’s exactly what you did. None of this was his fault. He knew you were having a hard time and he wanted you to have fun and you yelled at him and accused him. God, you felt awful.

It would be best if you apologized sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll get. So you have to rip it off like a bandaid.

With a shaky breath, you messed with the string of your purse nervously. You watched as the number rose on the elevator, waiting for them to reach your floor and the doors to pull open.

When they did, you found yourself making a beeline straight for Jed’s desk. He was typing something on his monitor, hardly noticing your presence. You took a deep breath. “Hey.”

He looked up, locking eyes with you. He opened his mouth to speak, but you were already halfway through apologizing before he could even say anything.

“I’m really sorry about what happened on Friday. I was just stressed and I was saying things I didn’t mean, not that it’s a valid excuse or anything, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and-”

He got to his feet, pressing a comforting hand on your shoulder. Your mouth snapped shut. He smiled at you warmly. “There’s something I want to show you.”

You followed Jed to his car. He opened his glove compartment, pulling out an envelope. Inside were photos of all of Ghostface’s past victims.

“He sends me these, after every time he’s killed. No matter what I do, the next morning there’s a photo in my mailbox, with the same request. Write about this, or you’ll be next. Or worse…it’ll be someone I care about. There are nights when I can hardly sleep or eat, when I hate myself for what I have to do. I don’t enjoy writing about this ______, but I have no other choice. The only thing I can do is sit and wait for the police to catch him.”

You felt guilt and sympathy twist through your stomach. You knew exactly what he was going through, how dould you think anything less? How could you be so selfish? “Jed, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. I haven’t told anyone this, and I can’t go to the police, or else he’ll…please ____, promise me you won’t tell anyone. If anything happened to you, I’d never be able to forgive myself.” He reached over, caressing your hands and giving them a soft squeeze.

“I promise.” You murmured. He slipped his hand from yours, touching your cheek softly, before leaning in and kissing you. You kissed him back, letting yourself melt into him. Letting his lips mold with yours.

It had been far too long since someone had touched you softly, since someone had touched you with so much care. It numbed all the pain, cleansed you from the dirtiness of Ghostface’s touch. It made your mind go blank, and for once, you forgot about everything.

He pulled away, smiling at you softly. “Would you like to get out of here? Just for today?”

“...Okay.”

–

“I didn’t expect you to be such a romantic.” You remarked as he laid the blanket out on the grass. He shrugged at you with a grin. “What can I say? I’m full of surprises.”

You pulled out a bottle of cheap wine and sandwiches you had bought from the store, pouring a glass for yourself and for Jed. You gazed over at the river, admiring the view. It was beautiful.

“How did you find this spot?” You couldn’t help but ask.

“When the Ghostface murders started up, I needed space to clear my head and to write. And it’s so peaceful out here, beautiful too. It helps me think.” You watched him, studying the sincere expression on his face. There was a dark look in his eyes, one from the pain of knowing, the pain of being tortured. The pain you had felt almost every day.

You took a long couple of sips from your wine, turning to refill your glass. “You know, this is the first time you’ve ever really told me anything about yourself.”

“Oh, really?” He mumbled, seeming slightly embarrassed at the realization.

“Yeah, but it’s not a bad thing. I mean, all we talked about was work, or about me. I kinda thought the whole mysterious guy thing was pretty hot, but having you open up and be vulnerable with me feels a lot better. I really appreciate it.” You admitted.

“Honestly, I don’t like to talk about myself much. My mother taught me that it was more important to listen. Most people never do, but I’m all ears. Also, I don’t think there’s a lot for me to say about myself. I mean..I’m pretty boring.”

You frowned at that. “Jed, I don’t think you’re boring at all. In fact, I think you’re one of the most interesting people in Roseville. I mean, you’re very charming, kind, and smart, and you’re an amazing writer. And to be honest, without you, I probably would be so lost.”

And that was too much. God, how much did you drink? Feeling your cheeks get all hot, you glanced down at the glass in your hand.

“I appreciate that. I really do.” He leaned in and kissed you again, after a few minutes he pulled away, reaching down and caressing your waist gently. His hand went to move under your shirt, and you found yourself stopping him yet again.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered against his lips. “I just- I need some time.”

Your scars were only starting to fade, and you weren’t in the right mindset at the moment. You felt guilt curl in your stomach, preparing him to be disappointed by you spurning his advances once again. But he wasn’t. Instead, he smiled softly, pressing a small peck to your lips. “There’s nothing you have to be sorry for. You take all the time you need, alright?”

“Thanks, Jed.”

The two of you lied back against the blanket, gazing up at the clear blue sky above. For once, you let yourself live in the moment and forget about all the pain and fear. For once, you felt at peace.

#dead by deadlight #dbd #dbd killer #dbd x reader #killer x reader #ghostface dbd #dbd ghostface #jed olsen dbd #jed olsen x reader #danny johnson dbd #danny jed olsen johnson #dbd danny #dbd danny johnson #danny johnson x reader #danny johnson #dbd jed olsen #jed olsen

[itsalwaysforyou]

jay: wtf is wrong with mal

evie: uma beat her in fencing lol

mal: she didn’t beat me!!!!!!! i challenged her to best of five 

carlos: and she won all 5?

mal: no i won 2

jay: ok so then she beat you

mal: i won 2!!!!

carlos: but uma won 3????? so you lost

mal: yeah but i still won 2

jay: shoulda done best of 6

jay: at least you could’ve drawn then you sore loser 

mal: ok but i still won 2?

carlos: i’m changing the conversation before i bludgeon mal’s head in 

carlos: e did you duel anyone

evie: i beat some auradon loser

evie: me & lonnie were gonna go next session 

jay: ooooo lmk how it goes

jay: lonnie’s good!!

evie: i know jay i was there on the isle fight

jay: i should fight harry again

mal: you’re always fighting harry

jay: duel him then

carlos: you’re always duelling harry

jay: no with a sword

evie: what kind of sword 

jay: ohhh SHUT UP

jay: i’m going to challenge harry to a duel with a fencing sword. there are you happy now

carlos: no

carlos: be more gay

jay: bitch maybe i will

evie: gods i hate you both

jay: you don’t want me kissing boys?

mal: jay you’re expecting boys will want to kiss YOU

jay: why mal are you jealous are you wanting me to kiss you

mal: i want me to kill you, sure

jay: how nice of you

mal: yeah i’m such a nice person now :) can u believe it

carlos: what is happening

evie: something i don’t want to bear witness to

evie: .

evie: hey mal lost three duels to uma today 

carlos: yo no way?????

mal: hang on

jay: HAHAHHAHAHA

mal: i WON 2!!!!!!!

jay: wow i should duel harry again

carlos: oh really jay. with what

evie: NVM WE ARE NOT GOING HERE AGAIN

carlos: ok but fr can we duel the pirates again soon :(

jay: what kind of duel los

evie: LORD

mal: me & uma have business to settle

evie: you mean losing a best of 5 3-2?

mal: i didnt LOSE i won 2!!!!!!!!

carlos: mal just bc we’re good ppl now doesn’t mean i cant kill you. bc i will

mal: bet

mal: best of 5?

jay: LMAO

evie: i’m actually very curious to know who would win that

mal: me obviously 

carlos: i literally came second place in swords and shields. but go off ig 

mal: you would’ve come third if i had competed 

jay: bc you would come 2nd?

mal: no?? i would obviously beat you???

evie: HAHHAHAHAHAHA

evie: mal. you know i would support you in anything. but you are not being jay in a s&s tournament 

mal: i totally could

jay: ………..

jay: hmmm mal who did you lose to earlier today

jay: three times

carlos: RIGHT 

carlos: not to CHANGE THE SUBJECT or anything but i’m actually craving slop shop coffee rn

evie: that’s the devil talking

jay: isn’t that a good thing?

mal: no it’s a bad thing

carlos: it’s a good thing for people like us

jay: evie can you confirm what your stance on slop shop coffee is 

evie: it’s wicked

jay: wicked in a good way or wicked in a bad way

jay: do you guys understand me. 

carlos: wicked as in reprehensible or wicked as in exceptional

jay: i feel like i’m going insane

mal: what are you all FUCKING talking about

carlos: the complexities and intricacies of changing sociolects 

mal: don’t fucking swear at me

jay: when did this conversation turn into psychological warfare

carlos: isn’t that most convos on the isle

jay: is it evie you’re gonna bludgeon next c?

carlos: yes. and then it’ll be you. and then myself

jay: WHAT DID I DO

mal: lmaoo

carlos: evie is being unnervingly quiet 

jay: YOU DIDNT ANSWER MY QUESTION 

mal: she’s probably preparing to fight carlos when he goes to bludgeon her head in

jay: i don’t even know whose side i’m on here

mal: you’re not on mine

jay: ??????

jay: whose side ARE you on??????

mal: did i lose to uma today

jay: YES

mal: not yours

jay: i genuinely feel like my head is collapsing in

carlos: good

carlos: make it go quicker

jay: ok fine i’m on evie’s side

evie: good choice jay. i have no bad side ;)

mal: all your sides are bad

carlos: how many sides does a person have

mal: what

carlos: you know. like vertices. how many do we have

jay: are we technically spherical??

evie: jay i don’t want you on my side anymore

jay: which number side eves

evie: carlos. proposition 

carlos: being?

evie: we team up against jay

jay: HUH????????

mal: LMAOOOOOO

evie: and mal

mal: HEY

jay: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

carlos: deal

jay: so like. what now. are we going to spar in the gym or something 

evie: no i’m going to kill you in real life

jay: hello??????

carlos: no resurrection in auradon!

mal: bloody hell 

jay: see i fault whatever the fuck this is to carlos bringing up he wants slop shop coffee

jay: no normal person says that

mal: how many times did you steal my slop shop coffee jay

jay: gee mal i’m so incredibly grateful that you allowed me to drink your mud in a cup whilst my father was actively trying to starve me 

carlos: WHAKJSJDLSKSHDKSKD

mal: OH ITS LIKE THAT NOW??????

evie: LORD

jay: anyway

jay: i say we gang up on carlos

evie: i agree

carlos: betrayal????)? MUTINY????????? TREASON AND CONSPIRACY???????????

mal: gods above evie that was brutal 

mal: listen. jay lies for fun,

jay: SKAJDKSLAJDNDLSKSJDKLSKD

mal: don’t pity the man.

evie: oh i don’t pity him in the slightest i just think it’s funny to gang up on carlos 

jay: youre after my own heart eves

carlos: no what the fuck is happening actually 

mal: no e you’re right it’s my favourite past time too

carlos: Hi. Are We Twelve Again

jay: i mean you haven’t grown since we were

mal: you still fight like it

evie: you still look it

carlos: Im Going To Kill You All

mal: didnt you already try that

evie: multiple times

jay: it didn’t work

carlos: do i need to remind you all. there is no immortality in auradon

jay: awwwww carlos is trying to be scary

jay: WJEHAKJHJJEHER NVM JES GROWLING AT ME RN GAJEHRBKEJRHR

mal: you guys are in the same room?????

jay: yeah? are you not?

mal: obviously we are

jay: you’re saying this could’ve been an irl convo?

jay: we couldve saved so much time 

evie: what’s wrong with our texts, jay :)

 jay: nothing at all, evie :)

carlos: u guys meet us here?

mal: wbat no you’re coming to us

carlos: ????? why?????

mal: bc im comfy???? and don’t want to walk??

carlos: ok but IM comfy

jay: carlos is currently dangling his head off the side of the bed.

carlos: as i said,

evie: what about neutral ground 

evie: library?

mal: are you insane why would we hang out at the LIBRARY 

jay: NERD

evie: i am not starting a fight again

jay: that’s a very unusual thing for you to say

evie: i am losing brain cells

carlos: that is worrying

mal: yeah you don’t have too many of them 

evie: more than you!

carlos: yeah mal how many fights with uma did you lose today

mal: i *WON*

mal: TWO

jay: i will throw my fucking phone off the balcony, and then all of you

carlos: not yourself?

jay: do you want to be the first to die

evie: so are we just. not meeting

mal: im not moving

carlos: me neither 

jay: kids these days

jay: always on their damn phones

evie: not like us

evie: getting beaten up

jay: stabbing people

mal: avoiding our insane parents 

carlos: trying to escape from the hell prison island

mal: lol

evie: we are so well adjusted <3 

jay: absolutely nothing wrong with us

mal: im serious abt not moving btw 

carlos: ya me too

mal: fine

carlos: fine

evie: fine

jay: fine

mal: fine

carlos: fine

jay: NO

jay: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN

mal: you hate fun

jay: i hate YOU

evie: we have to stop having the same conversation like 5 times over.

evie: let’s talk about something else 

#wrote this one months ago but i am in a descendantsy mood rn #you think i would know how to spell descendants by now. i never know if it's ANTS or ENTS #but woe. rotten four shenanigans be upon ye #i did actually come up with silly usernames last year but i couldnt be bothered to keep writing them all out #evie was 4hearts4furious which is probably the funniest thibg ever #and jay was auradons 8th best tourney player #bc of the 8 on his tourney bib :) #anyway #descendants #core four

[excessive-vampires]

Dealing With Demons Chapter 6: Sad as Hell Part 2: Cee

Masterlist with CW

Taglist: @demyxdancer @softvampirewhump @d-cs

This playlist is really good. And by that I mean sad as hell.

Avi put down their book for a second. "We could listen to something else."

No, sometimes you need to feel sad.

"That's the least in-character thing I've ever heard you say."

If you don't feel down sometimes you get numb to the highs. And it's better to be sad about music than about something that actually happened.

"Hmm." They didn't pick the book back up and for a moment we just listened to the song. "This makes me glad I'm not alone right now."

Me too.

"You're still worried about Cliff, aren't you?"

What if he comes after us?

"I doubt he has the means to. And if he does then I'll kill him. I am very powerful and scary."

I wished they'd take this more seriously. Yes. Yes you are. But between him and the Bureau... we might need to... take a vacation somewhere far away.

"Once a runner always a runner, huh?"

That's a low blow.

"Only if it's true. Look, if I'm wrong and we get into some sort of trouble I'll make it up to you. But I don't think I'm wrong."

Okay. I trust you to know your own strength.

"Good. Glad that's settled."

They picked the book back up, but I didn't pay any attention to it, instead focussing on the sad, forsaken voices coming from their phone's speakers.

Then we heard something that chilled me to the bone. It was my phone's ringtone. Avi stopped the music, walked over to the bedroom, and unlocked the drawer in the nightstand. There hadn't been much I'd had the desire or the right to take with me when I left besides some of my clothes, so my collection of personal worldly possessions was pathetically small. But there was a little box of sentimental trinkets in the drawer, as well as a framed picture. And beside that there was a phone that Avi kept charged at my request. They took it out of the drawer and we looked at the message.

When I gave my sister my new phone number before I left I knew it was probably a bad idea. But I also knew I could trust her not to tell anyone, and what if there was some huge emergency involving me that she needed to let me know about? She hadn't tried to contact me once in five years. That was something I had mixed feelings about. I stared at the words on the screen.

"Aunt Bev is sick again. If you care."

"Hey, are you—"

Block me out.

"Cee—"

Block me out, Avi. Wake me up in the morning.

"Okay."

And then the world went away. It was like being half-asleep unless I focussed, and I didn't want to focus. I just let myself drift.

My mind floated back to the scene immortalized in the picture frame next to where my phone had been. My young smiling face, Bev's tattooed arm around my shoulders, a plate of christmas cookies stolen from the kitchen in the background.

I knew that Avi would take me to go see her and let me say goodbye if I asked. I wasn't going to ask. I couldn't. I made my choice a long time ago and burned every single bridge I had in the process.

But out of everyone, Bev was the only one I'd almost said goodbye to in person when I left. I knew I'd outlive her, hell I'd outlive everyone now barring outside intervention, I didn't age while possessed. I thought I was ready. I thought I'd already let everything from that life go.

I was wrong.

#dwd #Cee Pov

[jcinkbabble]

Yo Fox. Are you done now?

TW for self harm/suicide urges and alcoholism. If you can't handle that, please don't read.

There is a painful irony in making a blog like this, in order to call out the harassment campaigns harming people offline, only to be targeted by one myself. The past 24 hours have been pretty educational on just how people react to attempts to change things.

I think this ask perfectly exemplifies it. After a barrage of hate on Tattler, the messages in my inbox, and the asks I've gotten in less than 12 hours, I think making me "done" was the point.

But I am, yes, because after tonight, I need to put the people around me first.

I still believe in a space like this. I still believe in positivity, in change, in doing good. However, the result of just 12 hours was me almost breaking my sobriety. There are bottles of alcohol downstairs right now that I want, that would numb the pain of this. But I am almost 2 years sober, and I fought to stay this way, so I will. The result of the past 12 hours is me remembering where every knife is in this house, and knowing what I could do with them. But I swore off self harm years ago, so many I've lost track, and I won't break that now. And finally, the result of the last 12 hours is knowing exactly how many ways I could kill myself, so no one in this house would have the ability to save me.

To the people sending me threats, wishes of harm, and gleeful desires that I suffer... Y'all are just not okay, are you? I know that pain. I remember being on top of the world, the one doing the hurting, the accusations. It felt good. It made the pain I felt go away, but only when I won. So I had to keep "winning". Which, really translates to just hurting people. Over and over and over until everyone's scared of me, and I feel powerful.

Then I realized that's a shitty fucking high to chase, and all.

I know I made myself a target. I did this to myself. I have no problem accepting that. I'm stubborn, headstrong, and want to make a change for good. I believe honest discussion can make positive change. I still do believe that, but I'm not gonna sit here and continue to let myself and others be harmed for that change.

Yes, anon, I am done now. I know you feel proud of this. I know this is a victory for you. You never really understood that I was never unreachable. You saw me in IC. You knew me. You could have messaged me, talked to me. You could have approached me with your concerns, your frustrations, any response to anything I've said. You chose Tattler, then acted like you had no choice but to sling hate there and in my inbox. Like I made you do that.

But I can tell you right now, not a single one of you has ever approached me about the things said on Tattler tonight, or in my inbox. My first and only intro to the issues an anon stranger has with me, were hate. Hate vitriolic enough to put me on the phone with a crisis line, hate vitriolic to make someone who has endured quite a bit of trauma, flinch this hard. I'm pretty sturdy, but tonight reminded me of the power of hate. Of malice, of gleefully inflicting pain.

You didn't want anything but to drive me - someone you've never interacted with - off the internet and keep Tattler open. I hope you can admit it to yourself. And maybe ask why you chose that route.

I have people relying on me offline. As much as I love the idea of this blog, and want to change things, I can't put them on the backburner for it. And I can't risk my own mental health like this, because they rely on me. Like I told someone else recently, don't stick your hand on the hot stove. You know you're just going to be burned. It's not worth it.

Maybe this blog will make a comeback. Maybe not. Who knows? Maybe some of y'all will make your own, and do a hell of a lot better than I ever did. But if you wanted to make me ashamed, scared, and small, I'm sorry. You failed.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not afraid of you. And if you want to talk to me, I'm right here. Fox Lokison, friends. Come have a chat. I'll still be around, chatting about things. But you'll have to come off anon to actually reach me.

I've posted the last of the positive asks so y'all can reblog and interact with them, because I feel like they're discussions worth having. The people coming here to do good should get their chance at being heard. Turning off anon asks now, though. For all the decent asks, there's multiple bad ones.

To Tattler - your blog has hurt a lot of people. And while I know some of your followers think it's deserved, tonight I almost took my life over the crime of opening a blog criticizing your blog, because of the hate you allowed on your platform, and the people coming from it, into my inbox. I do wonder what crime would have deserved that end. I wonder what you'll do if your blog does push someone past the threshold.

Let's hope none of us find out.

#admin answers

[fromchaostocosmos]

Because this my blog I'm allowed to talk about what I like. Which is what I am going to do because I need to deal with the tangle of feelings I am feelings.

Firstly do to child abuse and neglect I spent most of my life not allowing myself to feel my emotions which is not really possible, but I did the best that I could. I also spent a lot of my childhood, teens years, and some of my early 20's in state of hypo-arousal, numb and robotic, and lots and lots of disassociation and depersonalization.

I spent the past while working hard in therapy to allow myself to feel emotions as well as working on many other things. Now the main issue I often face with emotions is that I often feel something, but I don't know why and what I am emotion I am experiencing.

Secondly this post is not defense in any way shape form of the current actions of current Israeli administration, of Benjamin Netanyahu, of the Likud party and the choices they have made. Nor is this post against Palestinian civilians.

With those two disclaimers/background information out of the way my goal with this post is try as best I can to explain my feelings and thoughts while not always having the words or vocabulary that I need to do it.

I am glad that there are many people and organisations who are protesting on behalf of the Palestinian people and at the same time I find myself often confused by many of the choices and even frustrated.

I do not understand how shutting down highways and airports helps to further any goals. Instead I feel it makes the overall populace angry and unwilling to listen. I also do not understand the whole "don't vote for biden" thing. Like who else is there? Trump? Are you out of your mind? Vote no one? I think not, be able to vote yes is right, but is also a privilege that so many currently in the world do not have access to or have access to real voting as opposed to a sham of an election.

I also find myself frustrated in the boycotting of certain companies. Because I do not see how they help and I do know of cases where it has done more harm such as with the soda stream boycott leading to loss of jobs in the West Bank. I also must ask when employees are mistreated and lack pay and a boycott could make a real difference why so silent then.

I also find myself not just frustrated, but angry even in Syria chemical warfare was used against the civilian populace where was the marches in the streets, the demands from governments, the protests? Where are they now?

Yemen? Azerbaijan? Russia? Why silent there. Are Yemeni children not worthy too? Are Armenian children not worthy too? Are LGBTQIA+ not worthy too? Are the Ukrainian children not worthy too? Of care and concern.

As the Houthi attack in Yemen and as Yemen deals with an on going massive food crisis where is the same worry and concern?

As ethinic Armenians flee en mass by the thousands from Azerbaijan government and are often left cut off from food and medical aid where is the same worry and concern?

There Russia's relentless attacks against Ukraine and extremely concerning and worrying ongoing denial of rights and legal protection to LGBTQIA+ people.

As well as the ongoing Genocide by Myanmar towards the Rohingya and the Rohingya difficulty finding safety as refugees as they are attacked still after fleeing to Indonesia.

There is also the ongoing Uyghur genocide being committed by the Chinese government. That involve a host of atrocities such indoctrination, reeducation camps, and forced sterilization and abortions among other horrific acts.

All of these things have seen overall silence.

Despite what gets taught the World knew what was happening during the Holocaust. The information about the camps and killings was widely available and not just to government officials, but to your average person. The world knew and they watched it happen without saying a word in protest because it did not bother them that Jews and Romani people were being mass murdered. As far as they were concerned some one was taking out the trash. The UK got involved because Hitler turned his eyes towards the UK and the USA got involved because of Pearl Harbor if not for that they would not gotten involved.

So yes I am happy that no is being silent in the case of Palestinians. I also am wary of it because I look at the other times that needed voices, but only had silence. I look at the fact that there are multiple countries who mistreat Palestinians and yet there is silence there.

I look at the silence that has greeted and continues for the Jewish and Israeli rape and sexual abuse survivor and the silence for Jewish and Israeli hostages.

I look at the support for Hamas. I look at the those who say they care about care about Palestinians and yet do not listen to them.

I look out I see all this hypocrisy and I am filled with rage and despair in turns. I feel frustrated. I feel voiceless. I feel as my lone call is being drowned out. and I wonder if Israel was not a predominantly Jewish country would the same care exist?

I wonder why are there no calls for Qatar's role in all of this? Or the Hamas leadership who live the most opulent extravagant lavish lifestyles far far away from Gaza and why none who protest call for them to held accountable?

I rage and I despair. I despair and rage. I feel bound and I feel lost. And I wonder if it was me, if it was mine once again being killed would we again be greeted with a silent world?

And then I remember, everything that happened after. No it would not quite. It would loud, it would deafening, and it would be raucous cheering as the world watches with glee.

#i don't how to tag this #general trigger warning #i/p #sort of #i guess #antisemitism #jumblr #just my mess of thoughts and emotions #can reblog #jewish or not

[cacodemonmania]

Review - The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

Big spoilers ahead!

Unlike my Normal People review, which I wrote a few weeks after I'd actually finished reading it, this review is nice and fresh as I finished the book about four minutes ago. I'm choosing to do my review by book, rather than the whole series, for four reasons.

I like doing reviews fresh. It helps to convey the actual thoughts I had when finishing/reading the book. Also, I have a lot to say (whoops!).

Unfortunately, I watched the movies before I read the book(s) and I have a sneaking feeling that I will not like the later books as much.

I have a hard time distinguishing between books in a series after I've read them. All the events kind of blur together. Not super helpful as reviews go.

I'm trying to keep my activity streak going. Consistency is my weakness and I have a tendency to disappear from Tumblr for months at a time. Here's to holding ourselves to stuff! (Hopefully) This is also a good way to force myself to read more.

My first concrete thought is that my heart is breaking at the end scene. The way that Peeta was so oblivious to Katniss playing it up for camera and all. Poor guy had no idea. Also, how can anyone ship Katniss and Gale? I don't mean that in a rude way, it's just kind of baffling after the amount of times Katniss said her feelings for him weren't romantic.

I thought the movies were relatively loyal to the books. Several scenes and plot lines were near exact and that's hard to do! I appreciate it, especially the details (i.e. Katniss holding the red rose as they ride in on the chariots). I do feel like they took a lot of emotion out of it, particularly Katniss. She seems a little lifeless and numb to everything in the movies, which I'd assumed was kind of just her default for going through a traumatic event like that, but after reading the books she is much livelier. Her narration, emotions, and feelings as everything is going on really sold me for how much I enjoyed the book. However, I respect the choices of the people involved in the filmmaking (because they are, in fact, good films) and perhaps that is a stylistic choice.

Katniss' narration, emotions, and reactions were all (for me) spot on. I felt like she was a real person who was aware of herself and developed over the course of the book due to the things that she was going through. Her narration was personal without sounding monologue-y, and I really enjoyed reading it. I always feel the need to acknowledge when the general feel of the writing or narration is well done because that can kill a book and make it unbearable or a chore to read.

I love the characters. They're well thought out, three dimensional, and the way that Katniss views and interacts with them is very realistic. In my mind this particularly applies to the stylist assistants, Haymitch, and Peeta. Katniss tries so hard not to judge the stylists, even though they are the very embodiment of what she dislikes about the games (i.e. their frilliness and comments, especially right after she's won). Because it's not really their fault, and she knows that they're people. She is very humane and empathetic which I think I see in myself. It's nice to see it reflected, especially in a main character. Especially in a main character who is seen as ruthless or lethal or dangerous. Her violence has motivation and she does all of the things, including killings, for real reasons. That's such an important, unique, significant thing about this book for me. Fantasy and dystopia often try to make strong (cough female cough) main characters who are badass and assassins and whatever (which is cool!! I love badass women!! I'm making a different point here), but their motivations are often lacking or cold or vague. They kill a hundred men for revenge over their slain little sister, but there is no connection to their little sister. They don't think about their little sister apart from "REVENGE!". We don't see a bond between them. I don't know, Katniss is just real and how she experiences and feels things is too. Woah! Bit of a detour we took there. Let's get back on track. Haymitch is probably someone who has been discussed a thousand times (pure vibe speculation). It's interesting to see him go from a drunk, no care, jerk to someone Katniss relies on and cares for. (cough three dimensional cough) It's also cool to see Katniss realize that and realize that the reason he's an alcoholic is due to what the Capital has put him through. Peeta. Oh, Peeta. The way Katniss views Peeta is kind of funny. She talks about how hard he is to predict, how mysterious, how strategic, when he's just a teenage boy in love. She's always trying to figure out his secret, ulterior motives and it's just that he likes her.

I have a lot of thoughts but I think many of them are ranging into hard to put into words and mostly just general feelings territory which is never nice to try and explain. Plus, I've talked a lot already. I realize, editing this, that these aren't really "reviews" so much as a dumping of my major thoughts and feelings. Maybe I should rename the series. Thoughts?

I would recommend reading this book! (You probably have already)

See you for Catching Fire :,)

#the hunger games #hunger games #suzanne collins #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #booklr #book review #I gave this book five stars because I couldn't really think of anything I'd change honestly #Also as I'm tagging this some tags are popping up that are concerning #I realize I should expect that in large fandoms but it still managed to surprise me

[mister-snake]

Hi, this is a random shit post, don't waste your time with it

So I've been feeling suicidal

It's not like I'm gonna do it or anything

But talking about it makes me cringe

It's like I can't picture a way to seek help that doesn't make me feel miserable

I think I'm scared to get the "victim" role

And I'm scared not to be taken seriously

I don't want to get attention

This is not a cry for help

I just don't particularly enjoy getting those intrusive suicidal thoughts

I mean I'm sure nobody would

But I just don't know how to make them go away

It's like my first reflex always is to get drunk

When I feel like this, I just go "Time for a drink!" and then I don't have to think anymore

It's like I'm just tossing things out my head for a little while

Also I didn't drink for a whole 5 days

Not by choice, but still, it's something

Can't help but to think it might be related

Maybe I am a coward

Maybe I need to escape and that's why the feelings got worse

Or maybe it's everything else that happened

I don't know anymore

I'm tired because by now I would've expected to be hurting less

Back then I was like "In a year, I'll feel better, I just have to go through it, keep myself busy, keep breathing at the very least"

And here I am and none of it did fade away

In fact, it just got worse

I'm just like

Can I really do it all over again

Pretend I'll feel better within a year

And for what, to feel worse than before, just like now?

I'm just tired

I'm not all impulsively suicidal or anything

Just numb

But in control

Control feels sickening nowadays

I know I wouldn't but I kinda miss the lack of control I used to have

It was not intentional, but at least I could let go, let it out

At least there was something to let out

I used to be so full of anger, but also will

Like I had something to fight for

Did I have something to fight for

I think I did, I had things to lose

And I mean I still have things to lose

But if I already lost myself, do I even have those things as mine anymore?

Or is it just

A facade, the ruins of memories based on who I used to be

I think I'd rather not find out

But it's already killing me anyway, because I feel like I know the answer

Maybe that's why it's so bad

Or fuck, maybe I am just overthinking everything

But overthinking means it's real to me, so is there really a difference

Fuck I just want to wake up and feel okay

Wake up and feel like getting up

Wake up without feeling like everything is pointless and I'm a burden

Wake up and feel fucking alive

Without hero, without happy pills, without somebody

Just be happy for the bare minimum, for being alive

I don't know how to make myself feel better

I don't know if I can even feel better

But the anxiety that it's creating is so real and overwhelming

And it's eating me up more every day

Maybe I am, losing it

What if I am, what then

It's gonna get worse

And I'll keep it up

And because I'm keeping it up, nobody will see it, nobody will care

I'm not okay with that, it's not what I want

But how can I do otherwise

I am not going to kill myself or try to just to get a break from reality

That's what dumb teens do

No offense to all dumb teens out there

I've been one once, not going there again

But what choices are left for me

It just feels like there's no way out

Anyway I should sleep

Maybe tomorrow morning it'll be all gone

Probably not

But maybe is still better then never

I'll take maybes for now

Goodnight

[midmorning-bomb]

⭐ for the director’s cut <3

Thank you for indulging me, Anonymous ❤️

So! I had this idea for a sequel to Everything goes (wow) that would bring them back to Beacon Hills and circle around to Peter's failed summoning attempt.

Instead, with It's only, I ended up with the absolute set of contradictions that is Chris Argent's character and started exploring that and it kind of went over like a lead balloon. But it also led to this scene halfway through the story where Chris has to confront himself/his past/his choices (or lack thereof):

Chris gasps for air that isn’t coming.

He’s been drowning for years. God, he can’t even remember what it feels like to have his head above water.

He bribes his way in to look at the bodies. It’s hard to admit it’s easier, as a wolf, picking up things that human senses would gloss right over. He recognizes a scent on one of the bodies. It doesn’t make sense (it does, though, ice in his veins), he knows that combination. Late evenings in their garden, father-daughter bonding, teaching hunter tricks. Crushing up and blending licorice root and pennyroyal.

His hard-earned control is slipping in the rain, water sluicing down around claws and the bloody trails they leave across his chest. He lets out a ragged laugh because he knows what he did to deserve this, he knows. How could anyone grow whole out of poisoned soil? The only way he can make it through the day is to never wonder if any of them were innocent. The feral ones all alone (were they?), the ones who might have snapped (would they?), the ones who might’ve grown up...

“Dad, they weren’t good people. We made sure of that.” Pleading, righteous eyes lock on his own.

“You have to understand, Mr. Argent, we can do so much more once we get out of here. It will make all of this worth it, and we only need one mo—”

He closes his eyes and fights the urge to cover his ears. “Do you hear yourself, Lydia? You’re talking about murder. You are talking about killing someone, another someone, in cold blood.”

Learning about anchors, what tethers wolves (how to break them), is part of every hunter’s education. Chris has watched with clinical detachment as living beings before him crumble and howl out the pain after severing. Where his anchor should be, where he should be allowed to fall apart, the Nemeton twists its iron hold. There’s no escape into numbing madness, just the sound of his feet pounding against the slick ground of the forest as he runs.

“It’s the only way we can get out of here, it promised. I love you, but you really can’t stop this.”

He stares at his daughter and silence eats the growing space between them, consumes his heart and lungs, and he thinks she’s never looked more like her mother than she does right now.

Which is one of my favourites! And an area where I feel canon did a disservice* by glossing over what must be the Argents' history. Like, sorry Chris, I want to peel you like a grape and see how you work.

Also I patted myself on the back forever with the song choice for this chapter: Beautiful Hell by Adna

*From what I've read/researched, bless every fan over the years who has tried to cobble together a Teen Wolf timeline.

#teen wolf #ask meme #asks #chris argent

[nayruwu]

I feel same way about ons as you :') I got into it because of gureshin it's been long since I already lost interest alas. I was wondering what do you think of characters like guren shinoa mika & krul? I really liked them back then but now I'm really disappointed with how author wrote them since past few years & weirdly fandom still tries to act as if nothing wrong with them but "people didn't read correctly"

hello!! :D

i'm sorry that so many others seem to be suffering the same way i am, but it's also a little reassuring. at least we're not alone in our misery.

and i think answering your question will be quite fun!

well guren, obviously i love guren. he's so sad and pathetic and tired and broken he's like a wet cat. the way he loves, the way he does terrible things and hates himself for it but does it anyway because he knows he has no other choice, it's so intriguing and painful. i love it. there's aspects that bother me when reading the novels, like when i cannot for the life of me grasp why he is doing what he's doing, or when he's being an arrogant asshole. but then i read the paragraphs my friends have written about him and love him with my whole heart again. i think they called it blorbo-in-law, that fits it quite well.

but i feel like i need to mention, i totally get why people got so mad with him recently. the way it was handled with the kids just immediately forgiving him again after one word was just... not good. i wasn't kidding when i said i wanted him to be more evil. it was a lot more exciting when him and mahiru first started that "let's betray everyone" stizzle and we weren't sure if he was actually going to harm anyone. it was serious, oh the suspense! now he's just our friend guren again. let him go batshit insane. please. he's not a saint, and he doesn't need to be.

at this point the only one i can trust to truly judge and be mad at him for more than half a panel is shinya. and that's a little odd. also he's currently in eeby deeby.

ohh shinoa! i used to like her a lot. it's only natural, i guess, since she is so similar to shinya. i always thought her to be a less extreme version of him - shinoa was also trained to be numb and hide herself behind jokes and smiles, but she seems to retain more of her emotions than he does. she's scared of dying, she's not much of a killing machine, and she is very much capable of developing actual romantic feelings for someone. wow, shinoa!

now, the problem is the toxic view of love that mahiru drilled into her head, and how the story will adress that, if at all. i don't mind her crush on yuu, it's her proof of not being dead inside or worthless or meant to be alone. but the way she acts on it is quite selfish. she's taking after her sister a little too much for my liking lately. "i will get yuu back, even if i have to kill mikaela to do it", alright miss mini mahiru. chill.

i would very much like someone to drill some sense into her head.

as for mika, he was my favourite for quite some time. i'm afraid i can't speak on him anymore, though, since he's kinda wiggled himself out of my field of interest. younger me would be going insane over his angel self... but now, i actually don't have anything to say about him. he exists. he's a massive scapegoat. i wish we could have seen him bond with shinoa squad.

krul is great solely because she's somehow the only female character who doesn't have a crush on some guy. hooray for vampirism! i don't have that many thoughts on her either, but i do adore her. she treated mika fairly well, she acted against vampire laws, she was more trustworthy than others. and god, that chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so awful, i loved it. more of an ashera-perspective probably, but still! as i've mentioned, i'm not a fan of her and all the black demons having been angels before, so i can't bring myself to look forward to their reunion as much as i used to. but i'd still like to see it.

#luna posting things too early part 73 probably #this was fun to think about! even though i couldn't really come up with much for mika and krul #i hope it's not too little TwT #owari no seraph #seraph of the end #guren ichinose #shinoa hiiragi #krul tepes #hehe i love asks. thank you everyone you are contributing enrichment to my enclosure

[theloveweleftbehind]

I spent so many years waiting for an apology that never came as if it was possible to mend the damage you caused. I often wonder if it ever crosses your mind how you destroyed me.

I have to continuously remind myself that perhaps I never truly knew you after all. Time has a way to bring back the nostalgia, blur the pain, and make you doubt if it was really that bad, but it was a slow, painful death. You killed me, and you have moved on without remorse.

After things were undoubtedly over, after I decided the pain you had caused was greater than what my love could fix; I fell into a long-term depression. Eventually, I stopped recognizing my reflection in the mirror. I learned to live in pain until I became numb, which in a way made me stronger. Strong enough to not call you, not to beg you, to stop hoping for you to come back and realize you loved me. Strong enough to let you go. But I remained broken.

There are times when a wave of anger washes over me. The need for revenge is maddening sometimes, and I can feel the rage seething through my blood. I could have destroyed your life in one second if I had wanted to but deep in my core I wouldnt be able to hurt you even if I wanted to and a huge part of me thinks you should be grateful. The lies in which you have built the foundation of your perfect life I could have destroyed in a mere of seconds, but I chose not to just like you chose to destroy me. Every action is a choice.

Anger by. FB

#spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #bookworm #poetry #books & libraries #letters #dark academia #aesthetic #author