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ynscrazylife · 2 years

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What’s Said on the Boat, Stays on the Boat

Request: “Could you possibly make one where the reader is asexual (feel no sexual desire) and they are dating either Wanda, Sam falcon, or tony and they make a joke about sex and the reader freeZes up and they have to explain to their partner why they froze and they are super sweet about it.”

Summary: When Bucky comes over to help Sam with the boat, a sex joke is made that leads Y/N to come out.

CW/TW: A “That’s what she said joke” is made by Bucky in response to something Reader says.

Request to be on a taglist (or multiple) here! (Taglists are at the end of the fic)

Main Masterlist | MCU Masterlist #1 | MCU Masterlist #2

PSA: Do NOT copy, steal, translate, plagiarize, republish, etc any of my works on Tumblr or any other platform. Also, do NOT claim any of my works as your own. All of these works are either requests I’ve gotten that people have wanted me to write or original ideas I’ve had for works. If you happen to take inspiration from anything I’ve written and want to write something inspired by that, please a) ask me first and b) IF I say yes, credit me as inspo in your post by tagging me and link whatever work of mine that inspired you. Thanks.

header c @/swccessful

“Hey, Sarah, do you know where Sam is?” Y/N asked as she walked down the winding staircase, her hand sweeping the rail. After finishing the book she was reading, she realized that she hadn’t seen — or heard — her boyfriend in quite some time. That was rare. She had checked around the house, in the backyard, and had just finished checking upstairs when she found Sam’s sister.

“Uh, yeah, he’s out on the boat,” Sarah told her, looking wary. As Y/N passed her, she added, “Good luck.”

Slowing her pace as she digested that, Y/N pouted. She had been in her relationship long enough to know what Sarah meant by that. Sam had a . . . Tendency to be stubborn when it came to his boat. He never liked accepting help when it came to the vessel, insisting he could accomplish it by himself when he couldn’t.

“Thanks,” she muttered genuinely, although it didn’t sound like it. She pushed open the back door with her shoulder and stepped onto the dock. Although she did her best to stop it, all her frustration melted away when she laid eyes on her boyfriend himself. He was on his knees on the boat, trying to yank or fix something - Y/N couldn’t really tell. Seeing him so focused brought a fond and adoring smile to her face.

“How’s it going?” Y/N asked as she approached, trying (and failing) to figure out what he was doing.

Sam backed away and looked up, flashing her a brief smile before returning to his work. He was nothing if not persistent, she’d give him that. “Good! Just, uh, trying to fix this door-thingy here,” he said, gesturing towards a door that led to a small compartment. It resembled what she guessed the door to a captain’s room would be on a pirate ship (really, how old was the boat?).

“Uh-huh,” Y/N replied, watching him as he fiddled with the doors’ hinges, unconvinced by his words. “Hey — maybe you should ask Bucky for help? He’s pretty good with this stuff.”

“No—! Ow,” Sam protested, reacting too quickly and hitting his head on the ledge overhead the door. “I’m almost finished.”

“Maybe when you’re done we can go inside and have watch a movie?” Y/N suggested.

Sam hummed. “Sounds good,” he said.

Raising an eyebrow, she decided to experiment. “What about Mr Popper’s Penguins?”

“Whatever your heart desires, darling.”

And that was it. Sam detested that movie. As a self-proclaimed bird “expert”, he was adamant that the movie was completely inaccurate when it came to penguins and did a disservice to birds everywhere. Sam’s passion was one of Y/N’s favorite things about him, even if it was for penguins sometimes, and seeing him lose it so quickly to stubbornness made her frown.

Heading back inside, Y/N slipped her phone out of her pocket and dialed a number.

“Hey, Bucky? Do you think you can swing by anytime soon? The boat needs help.”

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?” Sam demanded, only half-joking, from his spot lounging on the boat. Y/N sat beside him, having finally convinced him to take a break.

“Nice to see you, too,” Bucky replied gruffly, hiding a small smirk. He nodded towards Y/N.

“I invited him,” she admitted, stifling a laugh when her boyfriend turned to her, looking gobsmacked. “The boat needs him, Sam!”

“I cannot believe this,” Sam grumbled, crossing his arms and pouting.

Bucky rolled his eyes and got onto the boat, studying the door before starting on it. He was about five minutes in when Sam saw something and protested, saying that he was going about it the wrong way. If you asked Y/N, she couldn’t tell you what had happened, only that they were arguing about something sure to be pointless.

She only got involved when the arguing continued and Sam threw his hand up, accidentally knocking a tool out of Bucky’s hand. It fell right over the side and plopped into the water. Y/N had been sitting on the edge and got splashed, but Bucky immediately dug into the ocean with his metal arm and fished it out.

“Ugh, thanks a lot, Sam. Now I’m all wet,” Y/N complained, pulling at her now-damp shirt.

“That’s what she said,” Bucky retorted, grinning like an idiot.

Y/N froze. Sam rolled his eyes at his friend.

“That is the dumbest joke,” he proclaimed.

“You’re only upset because that’s the first time someone has said that to you,” Bucky said, flashing him a smug smile as he continued working.

“That is not true. I’ve heard it plenty of times!” Sam protested.

This led them down a rabbit hole of useless bickering, but Y/N zoned it out (she had become pretty good at it by this point). Instead, her gaze flickered up to her boyfriend nervously, as it dawned on her that she hadn’t told him that she was asexual yet. Worries flooded her mind. Was he going to be okay with that? Was he going to even understand?

“Y/N, are you okay? You look like a statue.”

Blinking, she realized she had stayed in the same, frozen place, too involved in her thoughts. She met her boyfriend’s came and allowed her muscles to relax, nodding to answer his worried question. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to go change,” she said.

He nodded, but still seemed a bit unsure. As she passed him, he caught her hand and gave it a small squeeze. Y/N returned it, but was more focused on going inside. When she got to her room, she changed out of her shirt and into a clean one. She turned to leave her room, but her hand didn’t turn the doorknob.

Sighing, she sat on her bed, thinking. The thing was — she wanted to tell him. But the anxieties surrounding it with not knowing how he would react and not knowing how to tell him overwhelmed her. Should she just say it right out? Or should she try and hint at it? Would he even pick up on the hints? She knew that her boyfriend was smart, but he could be a little bit oblivious at times, she must admit.

Deciding to just say it straight out, Y/N stood up and left her room. She was still nervous as she walked towards the dock, but reminded her that she loved her boyfriend and trusted him. And he loved her and trusted her. It’d be fine.

When she walked out on the dock, she was surprised to see that only Sam was there. “You and Bucky didn’t get into an argument, did you?” She asked, half-jokingly. It wouldn’t be the first time that she would have to mediate one of their arguments. She went and sat beside him on the boat and he took her hand.

“No, no. He actually helped with the door, but I made him leave,” Sam admitted, smiling and interlocking their fingers with an iron grip.

“Why?” Y/N asked, relaxing when she felt his warmth.

“I wanted to talk to you. You seemed a bit . . . Off after Bucky made that joke. Is everything okay?” He asked, softening his voice.

Smiling, Y/N lightly bumped shoulders with her boyfriend. He was already making her feel so much better about coming out and didn’t even know it — that’s why she loved him. “It caught me off-guard. There’s something I have to tell you, Sam—” at his sudden, panicked, look, she quickly assured him that it was nothing bad. “—I’m asexual. I’ve known for a couple years now.”

There was a brief pause and then Sam said, “Oh! Okay.” When he saw Y/N get relieved, his eyes widened. “Were you worried that—? Oh, baby, no—” he quickly paused to plant a kiss on Y/N’s head, causing her to blush and giggle. “It’s more than fine that you are asexual, love. I can’t wait to get you all the Pride stuff! Flags, stickers, MORE FLAGS! And June is soon, we can go to the Pride parade! It’ll be so fun.”

Y/N grinned at her boyfriend’s happiness, overjoyed. She felt like she was floating amongst the clouds — not only was he accepting, but he was so, so excited.

“Thank you, Sammy,” she said, muscles beginning to ache from how much she smiled.

“Of course,” he assured her, leaning in for a meaningful kiss. “I can tell Bucky to lay off the jokes if you want?”

Y/N shook her head. “No, it’s fine. It was a good joke, I’ll admit . . . Let’s just keep this between us, okay? I’m not ready to come out to everyone else just yet,” she said.

Sam nodded. “Aye, aye, Captain!” He said, mock saluting her.

Y/N rolled her eyes and laughed. “You are such a dork,” she said, kissing him again.

“You love me for it,” he teasingly reminded her, and then caught a glimpse of the sunset from behind her shoulder. “Ooh! How about we take the boat for a quick spin before the sun sets?”

“I’d love that, Captain,” Y/N said, moving over to get herself comfortable on the boat while Sam stood up to go steer.

Soon, they were off. As they went further and further from the dock, they both talked about how beautiful and captivating the sunset was. Secretly, though, all they were doing was admiring each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

Permanent Taglist: @natasharomanoffismywife @hehehehannahthings @paulawand @blackbat2020 @cerberus-spectre @kathryndimitrescu @snipyloulou @big-galaxy-chaos @cc13723things @passionswift @drayshadow @amaryllis23 @storysimp @lamieshelmy @fantqsha @galacticstxrdust @a-lil-bit-nuts @marvel-to-infinity @maryseesthings @lovelyy-moonlight @dumb-fawkin-bitch @thewidowsghost @cowboybabyy

MCU Taglist: @stephanieromanoff @summerlovingbaby @ineffablebean@okkulta @procrastinatingsapphictrash @prettysbliss @caseyfish-blog@sarahp-stan @thewidowsghost @basiclesbianbitch @mycosmicparadise @kidswhofightmonsters @xtraordinaryfangrl @peggycarter-steverogers@username23345 @ima-gi--na-tion @hi-i-1 @mmmmokdok@xxxtwilightaxelxxx @mads-weasley @tenaciousperfectionunknown @afraid-to-be-me @lilclownx @acertainredhead @lilymurphy03 @thanossexual @avengersz-biotch @kozumekoi @mjaudrey @un-name-d@leyannrae @buckyandstevesbitch @kuzomekou-blog @nylevea @suckerfornatstits @bentleywolf29 @bunnyweasley23 @ss @pianogirl2121 @@beth-gallagher22 @pleasantbearscissorstoad @marvelwomen-simp @wandaswifeyforlifey @that-napa-know-how @wisteriaandauroras @mirakeul @eternallyvenus @thatoneshykid13 @@jeminiepabo @skagelynn @redsakura101 @todaywasafairytale07 @yelenarmnv @lazyloki @nerd-88 @fairydxll @v0idl1nq_ @inluvwithfictionalwomen @scarthefangirl @marie45019 @strangegardentaco

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fastcarsgovroom · 3 years

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Don’t really know what to make of still it but here goes (the Lando Norris issue) Pt 3

This is about the Lando Norris and Max Fewtrell (and other involved streamers) issue so you don't need to read it if it's not in your best interest to. I don’t know if this thing is supposed to have blown over or anything, but I’m posting because heck this is my blog and I want to post about things I think are in line with my personal philosophy (and maybe in-group).

The entire rant is in five parts:

Part 1 is where I describe very basically the entire situation, essentially what I saw happening through posts on the tumblr, twitter, and reddit Lando Norris tags

Part 2 is me trying to describe why some fans felt what they felt and reacted the way they did

Part 3 is the videos and what was said of them and how I interpreted them

Part 4 the ‘misinformation’ idk

Part 5 is like, a rant.

Part 3: What was actually said?

The clips of Lando and Max F saying things that were, for the lack of better words, questionable. Clip urls taken from one of the OPs who brought the issue to our attention (hope it’s all right I didn’t credit).

TW for talks about sex, sexism, and misogyny

If anything, listen to the clips for yourself and ignore the wall of text. Make up your own mind. I’m only writing what I’ve seen, and as a way to make sense of it.

Under the cut

The relevant videos are (not in chronological order)

1. Star signs

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qqblm5bUU51y0rtc3.mp4

How I’d describe it: Max F brings up star signs (like, the zodiac) because his chat was discussing it. Lando reacts by saying that if a girl asks about star signs, ‘you get up and leave’, apparently in reference to his personal experience with a girl in conversation about star signs. Max F comments that the girl has ‘dodged a bullet’ based on how, for the lack of better words, passionate (’salty’) Lando’s reaction was. Lando retorts that Max F ‘wouldn’t have wanted to be with her,’ providing some information (where the girl was sitting), which causes Max F to recognize the girl and react in an amused but equally passionate way. The other streamer quoted “she crazy”, supposedly in relation to the girl.

How people have interpreted it: Others have interpreted is as being a sexual encounter, Lando being dismissive of a female-skewed topic of interest (star signs) and only listening to her in hopes of a sexual encounter (edit: the more ‘obvious’ “listening to women in hopes of a sexual encounter” is clip 4, added below. But I’ve also seen people claiming ‘dipping’ (said by Max F) and ‘coughing’ (said by Lando) here to be references to sex, along with the ‘you wouldn’t have wanted to be with her’ as, of course, having sex, so I’ll leave this interpretation up. Again, I may be getting this wrong), that Lando and friends were making fun of the girl (’she crazy’, ‘you wouldn’t have wanted to be with her’, how Lando said the topic was ‘so boring’ at the mention of star signs, etc.)

How I interpreted it: Personally, I don’t think we have enough context as to what really went down. I can see how you could come to the above interpretations, but I also, personally, find relating it necessarily to a sexual encounter a reach. Yeah, it could be the men hanging out and getting to know a young woman (girls) but just not jiving with her, or thinking that the woman’s interests were weird and boring. Personal conversations, essentially, that probably has no place on a public stream, but it comes across as being said carelessly and immaturely rather than with malice.

2. ‘Stealing’, ‘don’t want to talk about it’, ‘that [descriptor]’

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qqbm90Esu01y0rtc3.mp4

How I’d describe it: This clip starts with a streamer (honestly I can only identify Max F and Lando, sorry) saying Max is bitter, to which Lando adds that it’s because Max F ‘did not receive love from a girl’. This seems to upset Max F, who retorts that if he should ‘tell a few stories’ about Lando, implied to be embarrassing ones. There was a lot of ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ (Lando and Max F) thrown around about the women. Max F brings up that Lando ‘tried to steal mine (Max F’s)’. Lando refutes this, and Max F looks more upset and says repeatedly that he does not want to ‘have this conversation’ with Lando. Lando continues on, referring to the girls as ‘the [descriptor]’, i.e. “the old one?”; “the top golf one?” and “I did not try to steal that one.”

The other streamer appears to take issue with this, saying ‘that one?”, and Max F adds “can we stop talking about it like that?” and doubles down and tells Lando to stop the conversation.

How people have interpreted it: This is the more egregious clip; people took offense at how the women were spoken about (’yours’, ‘mine’), the implications that they can be ‘stolen’, and how Lando referred to them as ‘the [descriptor]’. Some also interpreted Max F’s it as referring to a girl. This all leads into the perception that Lando and Max F were objectifying the women and talking about them in terms of conquests (presumably sexual).

How I interpreted it: I think Lando and Max F were quite disrespectful in how they were talking about the women, more so Lando because he continued with the conversation (in a public stream) despite Max F telling him to stop. It does sound like ‘locker room banter’ about relationships, which is still, ultimately, misogynistic, immature, disrespectful, and inappropriate, especially in a public stream.

What I don’t get is how ‘the/that [descriptor]’ was taken as intentional and malicious objectifying, and how the ‘it’ was referring to a woman and not the entire situation.

3. ‘Cowboy’

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qqbq6nhmZR1y0rtc3.mp4

How I’d describe it: The clip starts in the middle off in-game banter, with Lando asking Max F if has any other digs at him, to which Max F replies that he does have ‘plenty off digs’ at Lando. Lando brings up ‘cowboy’ as an apparent dig, to which Max F retorts is ‘not a dig’, but was ‘brilliant’ and ‘very good’ for Lando. The Toy Story reference of ‘there’s a snake in my boot!’ is brought up, to which someone says ‘not the only snake, haha’ in a mock-jokey voice.

How people have interpreted it: There’s probably more backstory to this in previous streams, as OP mentioned. Some have taken issue with, again, discussing personal situations involving a third party (OP has mentioned that the nickname ‘cowboy’ is in reference to a woman). Some also claimed that the nickname ‘cowboy’ is a sex position, so took offense to how it sounded like Lando and Max F nicknamed a woman they knew after a sex position, then openly talked about her in a public stream. Some said the nickname was from the woman’s social media handle, which had a cowboy emoji.

How I interpreted it: This one is weird. I have no idea what the context is. I have no idea how people came to the conclusion that ‘cowboy’ was a sex position. Is the ‘snake’ in reference to male genitalia? I don’t know? I have no interpretation of this other than things without context always sound so weird. There’s entire twitter accounts about shows and podcasts lines taken out of context, which just sounds bizarre.

4. ‘Reward’

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qqbfwzG9GC1wg3eue_720.mp4

How I’d describe it: I’m not sure if I can describe it without transcribing the whole thing or putting my own interpretation / narrative here. It’s a public stream, sure, but it sounds as coherent as a bit of disjointed conversation you’ve eavesdropped on (To me, anyway. I’m not being obtuse on purpose maybe I’m just dim).

Clip starts with Lando and Max F sounding very amused with something, with Lando telling Max F about an encounter(?)/incident(?)with ‘cowboy’, referencing ‘rounds’ (round 2… round 6). There’s more banter, Max F saying he was ‘worried’ that Lando was talking about someone else, that he will whatever Lando is doing is ‘good for [him]’, and is ‘healthy’.

Lando says it was “bit boring, really”, to which Max F says ‘oh, 100%, yeah waffle. Complete and utter waffle’ and “gotta do you what you gotta do, listen to her sometimes you know what I mean? Sacrifices do bring on great things.”

How people have interpreted it: Essentially, Lando is telling Max F about his hookups with ‘cowboy’ (the rounds being, well, rounds of hookups). Lando is saying that being with ‘cowboy’ is a bit boring, but Max F saying that Lando has to make sacrifices (his time? listening to boring conversation (’waffle’)?) in order to maintain said hookup partner. The takeaway was that Lando and Max F discussed sexual encounters with a woman (’cowboy’) on public stream, called her ‘boring’, and implied that she should only be listened to in context of getting a hookup is disrespectful. Many were disgusted.

Some, perhaps not having watched the clip, attributed the ‘sacrifices for women’s attention / sexual gratification from women’ comment to Lando. Others are angry and disappointed that Lando did not speak up against the comment, which indicates that he too is complicit with the notion that women should only be listened to for sexual gratification.

How I interpreted it: There’s a lot of innuendo here and ‘keywords’ that are attributed to sex and hookups (i.e. ‘rounds’ being hookups / rounds of sex; Max F’s implication that the many rounds (6) are ‘healthy’, a common description for sexual activity as being a healthy part of the human experience.) So, yes, I’ll believe that they’re most likely talking about their sex life. Why did I use so many words to come to that conclusion, and not just say ‘they are talking about their sex life’ out of the bag? Because that was my thought process so idk what to tell you other than what I did. Maybe it’ll come across as being apologetic and intentionally obtuse, who knows.

Without the context, it’s not going to be very obvious.

So if I’m taking it as their conversation about sex, then the “sacrifices do bring on great things,” will very heavily imply that Lando has to have boring conversations with ‘cowboy’ for sex. Let’s be clear, this is a very disrespectful and demeaning take. It’s also unfortunately a very common one that’s thrown around everywhere in media, among immature men (young or old, lets be real). It’s also very normalized, so I get when people say they find it ‘normal’ or ‘typical’. This doesn’t excuse the comments or topic of conversation.

On the other hand, I can also see a POV that Max F may have said things ironically or sarcastically, since it is a sentiment often used (women are nags) and both Lando and Max F are known to be sarcastic, dramatic, and dry at times. This is a reach to the other end of the ‘harmless banter’ spectrum, but without context, maybe it’s possible.

Still don’t know why ‘cowboy’ is necessarily a nickname derived from a sex position.

Part 4

#tw misogyny #tw sexism #tw sex #tw objectification #lando norris #max fewtrell #long post

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hellroots · 3 years

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『 MOBILE FRIENDLY RULES 』

— here you will find my rules or can also find them on my gdocs as well once i’m done with it. please like this if you read it, but otherwise don’t interact with this post, thank you. rest assured that i always read my moots rules before following and that i fully expect the same courtesy. i tried not to let them get too long but feel free to ask me anything you wanna know about them if it’s not clear ok?

『 THE MUN』

NOXTROMUN, THEY/THEM, 21+, BRAZILIAN

shy but friendly ! i don't follow for follow, if i follow you that means i've read your rules and want to write with you. i have no triggers nor squicks of my own except drama in the dash, for that reason i do not engage in callouts/witch hunts and if you do it on a constant basis i might have to hard block you for my own peace of mind. although i may come off too strong/harsh, i am always up to talking things out privately. as long as you are civil, so am i. any form of hate will be deleted and blocked - sometimes mocked, if i’m feeling cocky…

『 THE BLOG』

HELLROOTS, INDIE ( POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING AND NOT MINOR FRIENDLY ), HIGHLY SELECTIVE & PRIVATE MULTIFANDOM MULTIMUSE

primarily run on a low activity \ effort and with a slow speed.. my muselist changes a lot, depends a lot on what i’m watching lately so bear with me please. this is a drama free zone, therefore do realise that mun ≠ muses and (obviously) writing ≠ condoning !! as a quick note, do keep in mind that my blog is my safe space, just as your blog is yours - you are responsible for your own internet experience just as i am responsible for mine. should anything in my blog annoy/trigger/squick you, i strongly encourage you to block me & not write with me - your mental health is far more important ( for me, and hopefully for you as well ) than rp. on that note, please do not softblock me - that’s annoying, just hardblock please.

『 THE TRIGGERS』

TRIGGER HEAVY, PROPERLY TAGGED AND TAKING NO CRAP

i usually tend to write for trigger heavy fandoms (such as asoiaf, kingdom and others) and may incorporate some of it into my writing, muses' backgrounds and overall characterization. if you're bothered \ squicked \ triggered by that, i kindly encourage you to reconsider and not follow me. no amount of rp fun is worth your mental health. i try to tag everything accordingly and i fully expect the same courtesy for our followers' sakes. be aware that there may be mentions of death, gore, violence, consanguinamory \ endogamy (especially when it comes to the lannisters and kekkei genkai clans), rape ( kingdom, though it will only be mentioned on the character’s backstory ) and cannibalism ( hannibal and kingdom ) , as well as unhealthy relationships and dynamics alongside with powerplay, and otherwise bad behaviours. for all that is sacred, please, do note that i, the mun, do not approve, support or condone any of these actions or behaviours !! i simply am capable of separating fiction from reality. as long as everything is properly tagged, with mutual consent and there are no minors involved (muse and especially not muns), . i support the right of a consenting adult to explore these awful dark topics in a safe fictional environment with other like minded consenting adults, people shouldn’t have to share their traumas to strangers on the internet to explain why they write what they write, be considerate. if that notion bothers you perhaps you might not want to interact with me, for both of ours sakes. fair warning, most of my graphics and aesthetics might trigger those who have xylophobia/hylophobia (phobia of trees or wooded areas), and considering it is a main theme here i will not be tagging it, i'm sorry. but its too many. however, if you want me to create a special tag for you, there's no issue! it will be either "[your mun name] don't look!" or "[your url] don't look!", whichever you prefer. QUICK EDIT/ADDITION: i do not believe that aging up fictional characters is inherently a bad thing - from what i understand, the whole appeal of aging up a character is that while you like their personality but you do not want them to be kids (for whatever reason) but insteasd adults. if you are one of those who think that aging up a character is automatically something bad (without even knowing why it was done in the first place) don’t bother following me because i do think that opinion is quite silly.

『 THE INTERACTIONS』

OC, DUPLICATE, MULTIMUSE AND CANON DIVERGENT FRIENDLY

my tagging system is simple, i tag triggers as "tw; x" and . images that may be sensitive or triggering as "cw; x". you can further see how my tags work by taking a look at my tag dump post, just search ‘tag dump’ on my blog and you will find the most recent one i’m using. i shitpost and talk oocly on the dash constantly but you can easily blacklist my tag if it bothers you. here's something you should know about me: when i'm doing drafts i usually don't feel like chatting much, so please do not spam me because i won't be able to reply, i love to talk with my moots but sometimes it overwhelms me. on that note, please don't pester me for replies ic or ooc, i am slow and chances are that if you try to guilt trip me or just nag me about it i'll leave as the ones i'll get to in the later end on purpose, just out of spite. yes, i be like that. please be patient - i’ll never pressure you and expect the same in return. plotting wise: i prefer to just wing it with just a faint idea of where to take the thread but honestly i'm cool with anything. please be considerate when formatting your replies, i have a bad eyesight & if i can't read it, i won't bother with it. my own formatting is simple and clean. on a smaller note, please bear with me and my muses as my muses ramble a lot but you don't have to match the length, just give me something to work with. if we write together, the chances of me making edits/tagging you in stuff are really big, just lmk if you don’t like that though !

『 THE FLEET』

MOSTLY BI/PAN MUSES, MULTISHIP AND MULTIVERSE, SMUT FRIENDLY

i love shipping but i like my ships to be devices to move the plot/dynamics/muses forward, every once in a while though i partake in some much loved self indulgent shipping. just because i ship a certain pairing don't presume that my characters are approaching yours with second intentions, please. most of the time i like to reblog those relationship memes, so if you’re interested in a ship the best way (other than sending me a message ofc) to let me know is by sending ones. there will be some triggering ships here ( like the lannisters, both cersei x jaime and joanna x tywin are my otps, and potential inter clan ships, like with the hyugas - i mean how the hell you think they keep the byakugan in their family?? ) that may either be played with trusted friends or be mentioned/reblogged sometimes, all properly tagged so you can easily blocklist/avoid it. most of my muses are either bi or pan, those who are not will be specified. don't be afraid to reach out to me for shipping right off the bat - i'd rather have you to be open and honest with me about the interactions you want than lying to me, just know that there will be needed some plotting and threading first to see if your muses match. as an adult, my blog is smut friendly, i partake in sexual sunday a lot because some of my muses are very lewd in nature, you can blacklist my tag if that bothers you as well.

『 THE FINAL NOTES』

GENERAL RP ETIQUETTE APPLIES, CREDITS, THANK YOU FOR READING MY RULES

lastly but not least, general rp etiquette applies on my blog: no godmodding, forced ships, etc. there’s only ONE thing that truly makes me go apeshit crazy, and it’s when people don’t read my rules. i ALWAYS find out and it’s not pretty; i block it like it’s hot, ♪ ♫ ♬ block it like it’s hot ♪ ♫ ♬. i strongly assure you that i always read your rules before both following you and also before sending memes, just in case. on a much smaller note, i’m not so hot on single shipping and i really feel weirded out about people forcing me to pic who i’m going to interact with due to theirs DNI’s. while i get DNI’s when it comes to actual predators, when it’s something seemingly random chances are that i’ll softblock you because it weirds me out how volatile some can be when it comes to a hobby. i have some trigger heavy hcs ( for example, the one about jiraiya’s hypersexuality being rooted in trauma that he suffered at a young age ) that i share with only a few muns that are closer with me, so i’ll be mentioning them every once in a while but won’t share them, please don’t insist. i don’t really like most of the main characters of the franchises i write for, and when it comes to certain characters i reserve the right to decline an rp for my own comfort. for further info on what i use to make my graphics please check my “CREDITS.” tag. most of my stuff is made by me, i’ve got a lowkey rph in case you wanna check it out it’s @brazucahelps, however if you want a custom content i can see if i get a free time to come up with something :D

IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THANK YOU SO MUCH — JUST ONE LAST THING, COULD YOU PLS LIKE THIS SO I KNOW YOU’VE READ IT? <3 THANKS!

#RULES.

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kyovtani · 3 years

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Following those Qs, I’d just like to say as someone who might be directly effected, I appreciate the care you take with your warning and tags! Even if you fumble from time to time, we can tell you’re really trying and everyone should keep that in mind. You don’t have to do it, but you do!

I can’t bring myself to read the ex wife and a lot of your dilf stuff because of life experiences, (parents/step mother drama, she’s 4 years older than me and acts like the most babyish bimbo, irl it’s the most vomit inducing, soul destroying thing, but whateves, what’s a bit of estrangement from you father am I right?💀), the tags are so helpful to help me navigate things and avoid these specific works so I can be horny in peace 😌. I appreciate you being so gentle and understanding and in turn I’ll understand if you miss something or forget to add a TW. I’ll always be a fan and adore all you other work that doesn’t include the specific dynamic in question. Thank you Zade, I think you’re really lovely 🦦

aaaaaah for some reason this really made me tear up- thqnk you so much for your words, i genuinely appreciate them and will take them to heart. 🥺💗

to me personally, making sure everything is tagged properly is really one of the most important things. i had people trigger me by not tagging things or giving TW/CW's and to have you guys feel like that is the last thing i want. sometimes i do forget stuff and i panic so hard because i imagine someone being triggered bc of me and it just hurts my soul.

i would never be mad at someone for pointing out a tw/cw i forgot because it's really just about everybody's comfort, including mine. i am so happy about the option to blscklist literal content because even if i do forget a tag, if it's in the content blacklist too, it will automatically hide the post as soon as the word is mentioned in the post, so that deffo saved me quite a few times.

and lastly, i really do understand why you wouldn't be so fond of that content and that's why i'd never blame you for not enjoying it- and i'm always happy to give certain things specific tags to make the tumblr experience as comfortable and enjoyable for you guys as possible!

thank you so much, i love and appreciate you with my whole heart MWAH

#— nonies

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ibelonginthepast · 3 years

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okay I need your klance fic recs(i feel like you have really good taste)(i mean your icon is literally THE keith of course you have god tier taste)

okay so the thing is.. that when i say am kinda messed up and disgusting sometimes... and becoming a madwoman... am not over exaggerating or saying it in a funky way.. i actually am getting like that .. and that's how i got into the klance fandom initially. i project through lance and read really langsty fics.. and they are messed messed with like violent nsfw, gore, horror, serious mental health issues etc? so if u want those... i'll only send them if u want?

yeah tho i entered with this thingy that klance is gonna be like my guilty pleasure or some shit but them i inevitably fell in love with some GORGEOUS fanfictions out there and KEITH KOGANE in all shapes sizes genders and ages so lol...

but they aren't flowery. that's just not my taste. Some of them might be "problematic"? it's in quotes because i don't agree with it. it's not going to be problematic in plain ignorant sense like racial issues or blatant sexism or mental abuse.... but they might have like stuff which people dont always agree with like drugs. most of them would have nsfw it's just something that i need to have for feels and that's why i asked if u minded it. some things are like more subjective,, characterizations for example, cause like some people dont think keith is a skirt guy cause he isnt in fashion but i think he is petty and rebellious so he will defo do that? some of them would have like physical fights and stuff.. or keith and lance being mean to each other.. some ugly habits which aren't necessarily condemned like anger or drugs.? but with how i see it, it's not glorified, so i see them as human. i love the raw and ugly in these or idk its just human to me (but some people dont like which is completely valid cause we are all different from different environments and think different and resonate with different stuff.)

wait addition: i think some of them will have sexist themes? which i have complained about a lot before. i dont know why authors feel the need to somehow put women down to show how a mlm relationship without any women is superior or some shit it's annoying as fuck i hate it. i dont think i would have any especially sexist fics here, but there might be some with lowkey themes and bad handling of those issues. some of them mau have that subtext of disgusting heteronormative standards, but in subtext uk like bottom lance having a small waist and being giggly and all in contrast to big bulk keith.

here are some that i had bookmarked... but i may remember some more and then send them to u and or add them here...

a heads up.. i dont remember all of them very well. its been a while and i read fanfictions A LOT so yeah.. incase one slips up here which isnt very good am sorry dont judge me

the bold ones are the ones u should really check out if our taste is similar.

to begin with plain f l u f f,, my first klance bookmark was How Could I Say No? by Padfoots_Pawprint. tws for violence, bullying, injury BUT it's not actually gory or something like that it's just keith being keith and getting hurt and lance helping my boi like he should. it made me feeeeeeeel ksksk

this was one that kinda really touched me,, Wasted youth, Cryptids, and Waterboys by Baea THIS HAS EXPLICIT NSFW in it, the first chapter kicks off with it.. its a good fuck buddies to lovers in my opinion.. i love the writing style, the choice of how it's just a couple entries of random days in their lives. i love keith's characterization.. he is a hobo and a conspiracy nerd.. i love how down for him lance is, very dedicated. i love their growth.. i love how they help each other grow,, and it's so like real and usual day to day and human and down to earth idk how else to express it. this is INCOMPLETE. it's 12 chapters and discontinued as of now,, but it's not a deadly cliffhanger

similar in style and approach to the above. tho i think here is where it gets dubious. Easy, Tiger. by @/WhatTheBodyGraspsNot ... this is INCOMPLETE too and as of now discontinued. this has that sorta murky vibe with it's drug usage, them being teenagers in school and engaging in stuff like this, bad boy keith and all. this has nsfw too. i just remember really liking it and its very raw and unfiltered. tho it's incomplete it's not an open ending for now.

okay so i am restarting this but am upset as fuck that it all got deleted so i am gonna be lazy and not put as much effort as i did.

i have also Crowd Pleaser bookmarked by the same author,, this one's complete and it has some serious issues around gaslighting if i remember correctly... i really liked it then. keith is literally an angel here, i want to kidnap him and marry him literally. the s h w ee t e s t shit ,, and i like how lance gives him all the support and space to get his shit together

Drummer boy by klancekorner,, i think it's similar to the prev one, but lance's pov(which is what i prefer ngl). this authors fanfics are all just wholesome. i had put links to all their fics before, but imma now just say that u should go and check all their fics out. i have them all bookmarked, i must have seen something in them (can't remember what now tho and i cant be bothered to skim through them like last time *rolls eyes*)

War of hearts? idk why honestly, just ik keira has made me gay, and lesbian rejection angst? garrison? yes :) it's incomplete, conveniently left at the point where lance's heart is broken lol

Fuck buddies with benefits. THE NAME IS BAD I KNOW but i just love the idea of a dedicated mess of a keith and lance taking care of him. that's it that's the fic if i remember correctly. oh wait yeah u might think keith is not treating lance right, but i think it's fine if lance is treated a bit stupid. this is a bit too sex driven tho i dont like it but just SLEEPDEPRIVED KEITH TO TAKE CARE OF IMMA SIGN UP (ik this maybe coming off toxic but lol look at me)

Rambling: THIS WAS ME.

Last Defense: TW SUICIDE this is literally the langst i have for canon lance

I want something else: bad boy keith can break my limbs and cut my face and i will thank him

A thank you would be nice: keira damn

game-set-match: b a d b o y

I swear to go the devil made me do it: my typically fav trop, hardcore pining lance, literally perfect angsty keith. very similar to the top ones ig? idk also this one is one of my comparatively recent sane bookmarks so that's something. it starts off weird, u think it gon be subtly sexist but it turns out better so hold on

you've got me locked up: i think it's delinquent keith,, its floofy

Dad lance and tattoo artist keith: the name says it

damn while going through my bookmarks i realized that there are a lot of things i never bookmarked? i am pretty sure i loved a lot of long fanfictions, flower shop aus and tattoo artists shit wtf-

wait here's one, it's not complete: Blood jumps in the sun: it's very heavy has a lot of growth and kinda wholesome,, tags and summary will give u an idea what u getting in.

The lessons we learned: can't remember much other than florist keith, sad keith, smart keith, really long, pining

damn i think i have a lot of happy ones i didn't bookmark cause my brain was like u dont deserve the serotonin :( i'll add if i have more)

some actually angsty, detailed nsfw and messy (according to the way u interpret these) ones... lemoninagin.. they have some very detailed and explicit nsfw stuff but i am not there for it. some of it has the kind of angst i like? an actual one that i love and they recently posted and the reason am putting them here is infinitesimal. best friends to lovers and tho usually it's not my cup of tea.. it's a character study, an interpretation of klance in a modern world i dare say,, which is very similar to mine. the thing about them is that i like their characterization a lot, and in no love in this, i like what kind of background stories they give to klance in their aus. i haven't read many by them, so if u want u can check them out.

i just realized i have put some lowkey sad/fucked fics here... i did remove 5 rn... i hope its all good damn why am i doing this i feel like am putting myself naked out there when i recommend my favs

#dont reblog

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little-red-toyota · 3 years

Text

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…

4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think? I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

#good bye to ttte #tw//suicide #tw//rape #tw// bullying #tw//depression #tw//ptsd #tw//ttte #tw//sex #tw//abuse #tw//domestic abuse #I'm done

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athena1138 · 3 years

Text

About Me/Tag List

I figured I’d go ahead and instead of just updating my tag list, I’d just create a full About Me because I don’t really have one.

I’m absurdly shy, so instead of talking to other people like a proper member of society, I just go like/reblog every post someone shares until they either block me or they talk to me lol. (So, if I’m in your notes a lot, I greatly enjoy your presence and consider you a friend even if we’ve never said a word to each other.) If you’re interested, my Ask box or my DMs are always open to people who wanna talk. I’m not a great conversationalist, so it’d be best if you just throw me into a topic instead of trying to make small talk.

My name’s Becca. I’m 25, live in the U.S., use she/her pronouns, and I’m queer. I would use a more specific label but frankly idfk what's going on anymore.

I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Mandarin Chinese, and I also speak nearly fluent Spanish and a bit of French. I’ve got 2 cats, Varric and Chowder.

Athena1138 is my name for just about everything--snap, insta, tiktok, twitch, steam, epic. I’m on both PlayStation and Xbox under Blackheart1138 because I was young and edgy. I’ve got an ao3 as PusillanimousBitch1138, and I’ve got other tumblr blogs, too. Pb1138 is my writing blog and Gossamer-Wings-and-Teeth1138 is my art blog. I have others but they’re not as active.

I do not tolerate terfs or anything of the sort, nor homophobes, racists, sexists, nazis, white supremacists, Trump supporters, incels, MAPs/pedophiles, you get the point. If you’re into that kind of shit, you can go ahead and flush yourself down the toilet with the rest of it because I want nothing to do with you.

I stream at twitch on Mondays at about 5:30 EST, and I try to post YouTube videos of my streams on Sundays. Both names for that are athena1138 if you're ever interested.

My main fandoms seem to be Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Critical Role, Dimension 20, the Witcher, things of that nature.

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Yeah, I ran out of steam lol. So this is my tag list if you want to blacklist something or whatever. The posts I tag the most consistently are posts that I make myself.

shut up becca -- this tag goes with all original posts I make, no matter what they are. Sometimes I’ll forget, but I’m usually pretty good about adding at least this one.

selfie / my face / me -- these are some of the tags I’ll use if I share a selfie. It doesn’t happen super often, but I usually do 2 or 3 at a time because I’m feeling myself.

critical role spoilers / critrole spoilers / cr spoilers -- all 3 of these are the tags I’ll put on every post concerning the newest episode of Critical Role until a week after it airs. I.e., this week’s episode is 118. Every post concerning ep118 will be tagged with all 3 tags until the following Thursday. Unless I forget which happens, but usually only for a post or 2. This applies to all posts, even ones not made by me. If it’s a post that applies to more than just this one episode, I will also include the tags -- critical role / critrole / cr -- and I will also tag characters as needed.

cat / cats / my cat / my son / my cats / my sons / my children -- these go with posts about my cats. Each cat has his own individual tag, either -- varric giovanni cathras / pippin armani took / riz chowder gukcat -- depending on which cat it is.

It is important to note that I do not tag most posts which are reblogged. 99.5% of the time, I do a fast reblog. The other .5% is usually just me talking in the notes. I will sometimes tag things that I think might be triggers and will tag it like “ tw whateveritis “ but that’s for the really sensitive stuff. If I post a lot about something that you think I should tag, you can tell me, but I won’t promise to commit to tagging it. (Like, Cullen. I’ve been asked to tag posts about Cullen. Like no, dude, at that point you should just unfollow me because I post about him a lot.) I try to be considerate, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I don’t have the spoons to try to conscientiously tag each and every one of the nearly-limit-reaching amount of posts I post every day. If you do have something you want me to tag, please send it to me in a DM rather than as an ask on anon. I tend to see anons asking me to do things like that as aggressive whether they intend to be or not, and will most likely just delete it, whereas with a DM I have a face to place it with and can check myself.

personal -- posts where I talk about myself or my life or my family or my feelings. this one has been popping up a lot more lately.

becca writes -- posts where I share my writing

becca draws -- posts about my drawings

becca rambles -- posts where I’m just talking, probably about nothing super important

becca rants -- rants.

becca’s work -- posts about my job. Usually paired with the becca rants tag because my job is stressful

becca’s family drama -- posts about shit going on in my shithole family. I’m white trash so there’s quite a bit of it.

becca speaks -- kind of goes with becca rambles, but this one usually goes with asks, too.

becca’s dreams -- my dreams. I have very detailed dreams that I usually remember, so the interesting ones get posted.

my ocs -- my ocs. I’ve got like 54 of them by now. I don’t talk about them as much as I used to, but they’re still there. There are tags for groupings (like, wardens: missella/mireena/brilla/rastig , hawkes: belladonna/anna/nev/mariana ) but there’s too many to just tag them by name anymore. I’m also very tired and won’t write out every single grouping I have, especially since I’ll probably just churn a new one out and have to update it again.

Which brings me to my final thing: I’m a bitch, y’all. People are usually surprised. Most of the time, I don’t mean to be. I have a hard time reading social cues and more often than not, I don’t realize I’m being rude until way after the fact. It’s worse when I’m tired which is all the time nowadays. You’re free to call me on it if you care to.

#shut up becca #personal #becca speaks #becca rambles #becca's tags

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themidnightfarmer · 4 years

Text

Dave, meet smaller Dave || Dave & Jared

Timing: Before the end of the party.

Location: Jareds farm

Tagging: @seizethecarpe & themidnightfarmer

Description: Dave comes to meet his reward for helping Jared out.

Triggers: mind alteration tw, three eyed zombie goat tw

Jared was enthused by the idea that another person was going to be adding to the already large group of people on the farm enjoying the party. A party that had been running for three days at this point. Anyone coming in that wasn’t fae became addled, walking over stray sod patches that had cropped up at the gates. While no one was being forced to stay, many kept running into those patches of sod and ending up staying for longer. And anyone who had made it out the other side, found the whole party experience a haze, something most who had made it home had so far attributed to the alcohol and other substances circulating the place. The nymph was waiting for his VIP guest by the fences, swinging on the post holding it up idly until he thought he could see Dave. He raised a hand and waved vigorously, almost dislodging himself from the fence. “Welcome to the party!” he cheered.

Dave had to admit, having a little kiddy goat gruff named after him was a whole different thing than what he’d understood from Jared when he’d looked after the guy at that whole fiasco. This was kind of an honour, he guessed, although it was still a little weird. The second thing was, he was pretty sure Jared was tripping balls from the messages he’d seen. All the same, he was honour bound to show up. Say hi to the guy and the kid, and be on his merry way. Dave pulled up his van near the farm and hopped out, frowning at the number of people he heard. He waved back at Jared, his frown growing. “Think I missed the memo. Didn’t know you were throwing a party.”

“Did I not say the party would be going on?” Jared asked, but didn’t really give Dave much opportunity to answer that. “I could have been so sure I did. You don’t have to stay but I really wanted you to meet Dave!” The tall nymph bounded over to the man and gestured him through the gates. “Tiny Dave is having the time of his life, wouldn’t be fair not to invite his namesake to witness his first time jumping. Besides, I have to repay you for keeping me awake during all that stuff at Pats. We have food and drink, and I told a few folk that you were going to swing on by, they’re excited to meet bigger Dave!” The humans attending the party that had been within earshot of Jared typing (and reading aloud) his texts to Dave had all cheered when Jared had told them he was coming. Whether they remembered this or not was a mystery.

“No, you just, uh, mentioned your goat,” Dave replied with a rough laugh, mostly because he was concerned. Real concerned. There sure were a group of people here, but for a party, the vibe seemed… hell, he had no idea. As he joined Jared through the gate, he wasn’t feeling as sure of things as when he’d started. It’d been a while since he’d been to a real party, maybe this was how they do, as the kids said. “Right, uh, alright. What sort of food?” Dave asked, looking around. Or at least, trying to look around, instead, he was looking up at the sky and down at the grass, and then up again, as if that’d help anything. “Now, hold on a minute, son, where the hell am I?”

It hadn’t been his intention to walk Dave through the gate with the stray sod in it. But the expression change on the man's face was unmistakable. In the headspace he was in Jared couldn’t feel sorry, he could only begin to get excited at what that could mean. Did this mean Dave would stay and party? His grin grew and he took the man's arm and started to tow him into the farmland further. “You came to the party to meet your nephew.” Jared cheered. “You’ll stay a while right? We have good food and everyone is really chilled out.” Although even as he asked this he started walking away from the crowds. Despite his addled mind, Jared was still being conscious that his kids shouldn’t be seen by the partygoers as well as the other way around. The animals had been fenced into the furthest pasture this past week for safety. But if Dave was going to meet tiny Dave it was time to breach the fence for a moment.

Dave couldn’t make heads nor tails of where he was going, nor did he have a goddamn idea where he had been. It didn’t look all the same, he could see the fences and barn and the farmhouse. Problems started when he was actively looking at them. They’d just slide right out of his vision, and the harder he looked, the faster he lost sight of them. “My nephew? Jared, I don’t got a nephew, he’s dead. Uh,” he looked around again, not that it helped in the slightest. “Well, if there’s food…” He trailed off, unable to remember his objections just seconds ago. “Do you know where we’re going? It’s not like me at all, but my sense of direction is all out of wack. Not sure I could tell you which way the sky was right about now.”

In any other mindset Jared would be incredibly upset that he’d made Dave admit to something as tragic as the death of a family member. But he was just as addled as the selkie was, just in a slightly different way. The nymph threw an arm over Dave's shoulders and continued to lead him towards a small barn further away from the commotion of the party. “I’m going to introduce you to tiny Dave, I named him after you and he’s cute as fuck but you gotta promise not to tell anyone about him. NO, don’t promise just like…...please say you won’t, no promises allowed.” Jared tugged on the latch and pushed the barn door open to be greeted by some pretty horrific cries. The little goats that surrounded them weren’t quite normal, but Jared still stooped down to coo at them. “Dave, meet the kids!” Scooping one up into his arms he dropped the kidd into the mans arms. “Dave meet smaller Dave!”

“Uh, we’re already acquainted, thanks, and I haven’t heard anyone call it tiny before,” Dave bristled at the mention of his tiny Dave. Oh, wait, shit, Jared was talking about the goat. How’d he already forgotten that? How had he assumed- ugh. Ugh. Something real weird was happening, but whenever Dave remembered that it slid right out of his head as if it was greased with Selkie slime. “Right, right, no promises, got it.” That should have rung some alarm bells, but instead… “I promise I won’t tell anyone about tiny Dave,” Dave said solemnly, following Jared into the barn. Where else was he supposed to go? When Jared stooped, Dave felt sharp vertigo, even more confused now the guy wasn’t standing next to him, down to one less point of reference to where he was. Dave looked up, and frowned at the complete absence of stars. Suddenly his arms were full of baby goat. Despite the whole world not making a lick of sense, Dave grinned at smaller Dave, holding him close. “You’re right, he is cute as fuck. Do all goats have three eyes? Have I just been looking at goats wrong my entire life?”

Jared was lost as to what Dave was speaking about, but in his mild confusion he laughed. Humans loved when people laughed at what they said. He was also too focused on his task of getting Dave into the second barn that he completely missed the man binding himself in a promise. The nymph was incredibly proud as Dave agreed that smaller goat Dave was cute. “Only the best goats have three eyes, but you can’t tell anyone that either. It’s a secret, people aren’t very nice to three eyes kids. But three eyed kids are great, they jump and play dead like the fainting goats people love, only when they play dead they actually play zombie!”

“Don’t worry, I get it. Not everyone is nice to people with teeth and pelts like mine, neither. But you’re a cute one, tiny Dave,” Dave announced, cooing at the goat in his arms in a very unDave way. “Oh, yes you are, yes you are. Oh, you wanna get down?” He asked as tiny Dave began to kick and twist in his arms a little. “Wait, hold up a minute now. What do you mean there’s goats that faint and play dead?” He tilted his head, wondering if he’d heard wrong. “Do you mean they eat brains? Jared, you’re getting more confusin’ by the minute.”

The wording once again went right over Jareds head, he was instead stuck smiling proudly as Dave cooed at the little demon in his arms. “I mean there’s goats that people like to film, you see tons of them on tiktok, when they hear a loud noise they go all stiff-” Jared demonstrated this by locking all of his limbs and tipping over. Not his smartest idea, as he let out a small pained ‘oof’ from the ground, but he bounced back up quickly enough. “They like brains, do you not? I hear people eat cooked brains sometimes and not just zombie like. But the kids don’t do cooked, only sun-warmed at best I’d say.” Confusing as it may be it was the truth. “Back to the party? You ready to get your dance on?”

“What the hell is a tikto- Oh shit, Jared-” Dave tried to catch him, missing by a mile. He stared in wide eyed confusion at the young man, and shared a look with tiny Dave. Tiny Dave got it. “What’cha do that for?” He asked, as Jared popped back up with a spring in his legs. “Uh, jesus, no, I don’t like brains. I like my meat and fish raw, but I don’t usually go for the brains. What?” He looked around, but the stray sod was everything, twisting his gaze every which way. Everything here was confusing. He needed to get back in the water, where it’d all make sense again. No, he prepared to tell Jared. “Sure.”

“Impression of a fainting goat...obviously Dave come on.” Jared clapped the man on the back with a laugh as if it was Dave that was the worse off for not grasping his actions, and not himself for the decision to topple over. “Great! There’s good music and we have food and it’ll be awesome!” The nymph linked arms with Dave once again, this time leading him away from the small hoard of three eyed goats and towards the doors to the barn again. “You can’t tell anyone you saw the kidds, they’re top secret hush hush. I don’t want anyone looking for them if they decide they want to be released into the wild rather than stay on the farm. Can’t have anyone looking for them you know? You get it right Dave?”

“How the hell is that obvious?” Dave replied, chuckling back although he didn’t know why. There was something in the air, had to be, this guy was nothing like what he’d seen before at Pat’s opening, but as Jared grabbed Dave’s arm and led him back out into the field, the stray sod clouded his mind like cotton candy all over again. Concepts like personal secrecy were all but gone. “Trust me kid, I get it. I swear on my wife’s grave, I ain’t ever telling anyone about your three eyes brain-eating goats. ‘Ere,” Dave reached into his mouth and pulled off his teeth caps, revealing long canines and teeth as sharp as any other seal’s. Sharper, even.

The two hadn’t quite made it all the way back to the party when Dave took his tooth caps off. Jared fully stopped to look, his personal space boundaries completely shot due to his state of mind, so the nymph practically had his nose in the mans mouth looking at his teeth. “That’s mad cool!” He exclaimed excitedly. “I’ve only ever seen one other person with teeth like that and they’re wild cool too!” Thoughts of Skylar filled the nymphs mind and he smiled to himself, he should really find her and invite her to the party. Jareds focus however was brought back in when he blinked and caught sight of Daves teeth again. “How sharp?? Fang sharp? Shark sharp?”

The kid peered right up at Dave’s mouth, until Dave thought he was about to be kissed or something, which this place did not seem the right place for. But no, the guy was just peering at his mouth, and it took Dave a moment to realise why - because he was holding his teeth guards in his hands. How had he already forgotten that. “Seal sharp. Mind yourself kid, or I’ll bite your nose off.” The world seemed to spin again. “Hey, kid, I really gotta get back to my van.”

Jared slapped a hand over his nose and he recoiled from Dave with alarm before that action ended up relaxed into a laugh moments later. “Funny, funny.” His goal was to have as many people stay at the party as possible, but even in the state he was in he couldn’t bring himself to trap Dave more than he already had. His face crumpled into a pout but he looped his arm with Daves to take him back to the front gates. “I guess if you have to go, just come back soon okay?”

#C: Dave #P: Chatzy #mind alteration tw #seizethecarpe

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alltheangstmygifttoyou · 4 years

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Update On A Family Curse

So In case you follow my story A Family Curse you know I put it on break after a hard event. I’ve been thinking about the story and where the block in writing it is coming from and I think there’s a few reasons why I’m struggling to write it. I’ll explain below the cut because if you’ve read the story and my author’s notes on it you know it deals with heavy personal topics. Let me know if I need to tag anything else, I don’t want to upset/trigger anybody!

Tw: self harm, unspecified eating disorder, dysphoria, chronic illness, purging mention, weight problems, eating mention

I’ve talked about in the authors notes and in the comments of the story that a lot of Greenland’s self destructive behavior is based on my own. I started self harming five years ago and have been trying to quit for the past three years. I started this story last year as a well to write down my urges instead of doing them in person. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn’t. I still get those urges but they’re not as overwhelming as they used to be. However when I write this story I put myself in Greenland’s head, and I put myself back into the mindset I used to have, and sometimes that makes the urges worse. There is also the problem of America’s which is about to become relevant to the story. Many people have already guessed that America in the story struggles with an eating disorder. I do not have an eating disorder, but I do struggle with thoughts about eating and weight. I was diagnosed as obese two years ago and due to further health problems (graves disease and over medication) gaining and losing weight quickly has been a problem. Combine this with stress with school starting back up and I now have an inflamed stomach lining. These past few weeks eating has been really hard. This is not the first time this has happened to me. I’m lucky if I’m able to eat two meals in a day, most days it is just one meal and applesauce. Pain combined with body dysphoria makes me feel sick whenever I eat. I’m worried that writing America with this problem will exacerbate my own thoughts. I know his thoughts won’t exactly match mine since we’re dealing with different problems but this wouldn’t be the first time I wrote about a character with an eating disorder and sent myself down a rabbit hole of trying to make myself throw up in the bathroom because I can’t stand looking at my own stomach.

Now, this doesn’t happen every time I try to write the story. It’s just when my mental health is already in a bad place. I was given new medication for add and it’s been helping with my energy levels so I feel able to write and draw. I’ve been writing an alternate universe to A Family Curse to help keep myself in the world of the characters so when I come back to writing I should be in the right mindset. I will not be posting this story since it is me trying to work through something else going on in my life. I will however post small bits here on tumblr if I feel they are good enough to show the outside world.

Another problem going on with A Family Curse is my writing style. I am a pantser, I do not outline my stories. When I do I run into problems of being bored and unmotivated. I became so worried about A Family Curse and making sure that it turned out good that I outlined how the next twenty or so chapters would go in my head, and as a result, I find the next few parts very boring to write. In my head it feels like I already wrote it. So I’m hoping that with time the details I came up with will fade in my mind and I’ll be able to come to the story fresh.

I can still take questions about the story and be okay and I’m happy to answer any questions that anyone has. I know some people say the story has helped them and I’m really happy about that, that’s one of the reasons I started posting the story. I’m not giving up, I want to finish this story. I just need to get myself in the right mindset not to write my characters not copy them. Thank you for reading this story and supporting it, it really means a lot to me! I’ll be sure to let you all know when the story goes back into development :3

#a family curse #self harm #eating disoder #dysphoria #chronic illness #tw purge #hetalia

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adhdtoomanycommas · 4 years

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Emotional Abuse and ADHD

Ok, first real post on the ADHD sideblog, so lets dive straight into the heavy stuff. TW/CW for emotional abuse, gaslighting, and probably some other things too (please feel free to let me know if I should add additional tags).

I had trouble sleeping last night because my brain kept insisting I needed to start this blog, like immediately, despite it being clearly not an opportune time to do anything of the sort. Or at least, it insisted, I needed to jot down all the essay/ramble/whatever topic ideas I had complicated thoughts on so I could start the blog today. I managed to resist doing both of those things, and get to sleep eventually, but here I am. The first topic that brought this on was wanting to talk about my experience in an emotionally abusive relationship and how many aspects of that were exacerbated by various symptoms of my (then undiagnosed) ADHD.

I’m going to assume a certain amount of baseline familiarity with some terminology and whatnot here, if you’re confused by any of the ADHD terms I use here I recommend heading over to theadhdmanual.com and reading their very helpful “three pillars” articles which do a great job of explaining Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and emotional hyperarrousal (also elsewhere called emotional disregulation, I’ll be using both terms interchangably but won’t be abbreviating the latter for hopefully obvious reasons). On the emotional abuse terminology front, there’s a couple great articles on gaslighting on everydayfeminism.com that I recommend seeking out.

It is possible I am slightly stalling here by providing all this context.

At this point damn near ten years ago, for most of my senior year of college and for a good few months afterwards (I don’t remember how long exactly since adhd brains suck at timelines and I don’t feel like logicing it out right now) I was in what I later realized (with help from the aforementioned everydayfeminism articles) was an emotionally abusive relationship. My then-boyfriend, who I will call Al, was insecure and jealous. I had more sexual experience than him going into the relationship, and he used that as an excuse to guilt-trip, manipulate, and ultimately control me. I realize now, that the primary weapon he would use against me was my own RSD.

Whenever I did something that upset Al, (typical infractions included things like accidentally mentioning one of my exes, correcting him about something, “flirting with” --read: talking to-- any of my friends who were more my friend than his, or singing along to music) he would generally make his displeasure known by ignoring me--withdrawing all physical affection, coupled with the silent treatment. If you’re familiar with RSD, you can already guess how effective this was. If you’re not, then for comparison you should know that ADHD people can spiral very quickly into completely irrational “they hate me, don’t they?” thought spiral from something as small as a delayed text. Al would almost never tell me what I did to upset him, and in my guilt-spiral I would usually tearfully beg forgiveness for everything I could think of until I guessed correctly and/or he arbitrarily decided I’d had enough.

As an aside, he would often do this silent treatment toward me in public while being perfectly cheerful and whatnot with our other friends, often making it seem to others like he was just joking or messing with me. On one memorable occasion he refused to say anything to me but the word “spoon” with varying inflections for the better part of a day--a pretty skillful gaslight because to everyone else around this just seemed like goofy ol’ Al being his silly self, but from context I knew this was part of a punishment, and I couldn’t express any kind of being upset about this, even annoyance, without looking like I was overreacting to a dumb joke.

Ultimately much of what he actually did (or didn’t do) in public didn’t look like much to an outside observer, but he knew my (RSD fueled) insecurity would make it hurt, especially when I wouldn’t be able to address anything with him until we were in private later.

Also (and I intend to write a whole different post about this later) my particular brand of emotional disregulation takes the form of crying extremely easily. I cry when I’m sad, when I’m tired, when I’m happy, when I see something too cute to handle, and (most importantly, in this instance) when I’m angry. Because of this, every time I tried to address some relationship concern I had with him, whenever I tried to call out some of his shitty behavior or bring attention to my own emotional needs, it was extremely difficult--nigh impossible--to do so without crying. This gave him a massive amount of gaslighting ammunition--it made it very easy for him to say I was overreacting, overemotional, irrational, trying to manipulate him, et cetera. And it was hard to defend myself against that, even to myself. After all, lacking the ADHD diagnosis and resources about emotional disregulation that I have now, I had pretty much internalized the idea that I’m just “oversensitive” when it comes to crying, so I rationalized that I was also being oversensitive about whatever concern I started with in the first place. So every time a conversation started with me telling him he hurt me some way, it inevitably ended with me apologizing to him instead of the other way around.

Just to add to the already nasty cycle, Al also considered crying over something he didn’t deem worth crying over a punishable offense, so it often triggered the previously discussed silent treatment.

A third aspect of ADHD I haven’t discussed yet also played a major part in how I was abused--Memory. I don’t have a good resource to link on this one (I’m pretty sure there are some good howtoadhd videos on it on youtube but I’m not going to go dig for them right now), but ADHD people, on the whole, have terrible memories, especially short term/working memory. Mine in particular might be even worse for some kinds of things for unrelated reasons (aphantasia, which I might write about later but this is already really long and it’s not actually that relevant here).

Al was perpetually convinced that I was cheating on him, and any time we were apart he would quiz me afterwards on where exactly I was, what I did, for how long, and in what order. Any inconsistency in my account, or any “I don’t remember”s would mean he would accuse me of lying about the whole thing. I am pretty sure I have in common with most ADHD people that between time blindness and bad working memories, giving a consistent and accurate account like that is basically impossible, so this rarely went well for me. Just to further complicate matters, being accused of lying when I’m not is practically guaranteed to make me cry, and trying to keep from crying (to avoid angering him further) means I swallow a lot, and somewhere Al had heard that excessive swallowing is a sign that someone is lying, so again these various ADHD symptoms would combine to just make everything worse.

I eventually got out of that relationship, and not too long afterwards got together with my now-husband, who is wonderful, so that’s a happy ending. Getting diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago, learning about these symptoms, and figuring all this out has made this make much more sense to me than before. But in addition to my ADHD symptoms making me more vulnerable to these emotional abuse tactics, I’m pretty sure the leftover baggage from the emotional abuse may have made those very same ADHD symptoms worse, and while my new meds seem to help immensely with the executive disfunction aspects of ADHD, they don’t do a damn thing about RSD spirals or emotional disregulation. Healing and processing it all is slow going, but it has gotten a lot better over the years, and knowing now that even another aspect of this isn’t my fault helps too. And taking my meds today did help me motivate myself to write all this out, so maybe that will help as well.

I’m not sure what the takeaway is here, other than I strongly suggest everyone learn what gaslighting and emotional abuse in general looks like, but especially if you have ADHD or suspect you might have ADHD because we might be more vulnerable to being on the receiving end of it than most people. If anything I talked about here sounds a little too familiar, I strongly recommend reading up on gaslighting, and consider getting the heck away from anyone who sounds too much like Al. Maybe us ADHDers will inevitably get into some nasty thought-spirals or bad emotional places sometimes, maybe we’ll cry over nothing or worry too much that something we said will make everyone hate us, but if anyone tries to use any of that against you, uses it to get you to do what they want, or intentionally makes you feel worse, they’re not someone worth being around, and I promise you deserve better.

Not sure if anyone will read this, much less any fellow ADHDers because yeah, it’s a big ol’ wall of text and I get that can be hard, but if you made it this far, thanks for listening and I’ll try to go not quite so heavy with my next post, (assuming, of course, that I have a next post and this blog doesn’t become yet another started-and-abandoned project).

That’s all for now.

#adhd #actuallyadhd #rsd problems #emotional abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw emotional manipulation #gaslighting #tw gaslighting

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