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oriionours · 8 months

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Ghost of you Chapter three : If I can dream long enough

{We are in the fifteenth year since Alexander's death. Magnus thinks more and more about the letters, and every day he wants to open them a little more.

Tessa warns Magnus that he is not ready to open the letters. The chapter ends with Magnus finally plucking up the courage to read the first letter.}

That January morning marked the fifteenth year without Alexander by his side. In the end, Magnus had spent more time in Los Angeles than in New York since his lover passed out and, although it couldn't be perfect, things were getting better.

There wasn't a day that went by without Magnus to have his first waking thought for Alexander, and his last for him before he went to bed, but when the warlock ran his thumb over the screen of his phone, caressing his partner's face on his screen wallpaper, he now managed to crack a smile, although a tear still escaped his eye from time to time.

The first few months in Los Angeles had been catastrophic. Although Magnus had resigned himself to moving on, he hadn't succeeded immediately. After all, there was no magic trick that would help him overcome his grief. At least, not one he felt capable of executing. But as he had imagined, the presence of Tessa and Jem had been a great help. With them, Magnus felt like he was breathing again for the very first time.

When he arrived, Tessa had made sure Magnus was always busy doing something. Spending time with Mina, helping her translate complex manuscripts, having tea with James. First, Magnus had been annoyed realising this, having the unpleasant feeling of being a burden, today he understood that it had been necessary.

He had done the same with Tessa years before.

Altogether, it had taken Magnus thirteen years before he felt able to talk about Alexander with anyone. And to talk about him in the past tense. Strangely, it was with James that he managed to do so. His old friend had lost his parabatai and lover a century before. It had never been an official matter because it was taboo, but Magnus hadn't needed any confidence from Tessa to know and understand that the three of them, Tessa, James and Will, had loved each other in the purest of ways. They had been discreet, but Magnus had been close to them at this stage of their lives.

So it wasn't all that surprising that the person Magnus had trusted most to talk about his regrets, sorrows and fears had been James Castairs. The Shadowhunter had lost his lover, his brother of arms, and although they hadn't said a word about it, he was also living with the fact that in a few decades' time, he too would eventually die and leave Tessa once more.

James hadn't known Alexander. At least not that well. A few meetings here and there as a Silent Brother, one or two less formal introductions when Mina was born, but not enough to build a deep friendship with him. So James had gradually encouraged Magnus to talk to him about his lover, a few details here and there, on the fly. But never too directly, for fear of sending Magnus into a downward spiral. And the warlock could only be grateful for how delicately Jem had handled the matter.

Magnus was in fact grateful for having so many people close to him.

Alone, he would never have been able to stand up again, there was no point in trying to deny it.

This was no break-up, no ordinary loss.

With each passing day, Magnus continued to feel his magic crying out in agony.

"Yes, yes I'm coming."

Magnus let a sigh escape him as he sat facing the imposing vanity that sat enthroned in his bedroom. The warlock had started taking care of himself again. It wasn't to please. (Who could he possibly want to please if not Alexander?) But this simple routine, taking the time to take care of his skin, to look after his appearance, to play with his make-up, gave him a semblance of a grip on life.

To anyone who came across him in the street today, he would almost be a carbon copy of the High Warlock of Brooklyn, whose prowess was still being whispered about in the Shadow World. All they had to do was forget about that little spark that was now extinguished in the back of Magnus' eyes.

Facing the closed door of the room, his familiar fidgeting with the wooden door. Chairman Meow knew how to be annoying when he wanted to be, after all his mood had always reflected his owner's emotions and magic.

And today, Magnus knew he was agitated.

For several days now, he had been staring at the drawer of his bedside table with even more insistence than the day before. Inside were Alexander's letters, untouched. He'd never had the strength to read them before, and even now he wasn't sure he was prepared to.

Would he ever be? Probably not.

Nevertheless, as the days, weeks, months and years went by, Magnus felt the need to cling to his lover once more. He didn't really know if this would be the way for him to end his mourning, to read those last few words. A final goodbye that Alexander had prepared for him beforehand. But he was certain of one thing: Alexander deserved to be heard one last time.

As he crossed the room to finally open the door to his familiar, Magnus let his fingertips brush the top of his bedside table.

He'd take a look them, read them.

He'd do it, later.

Alexander's letters crossed his mind again in the middle of the afternoon, when he was having tea with Jem and Tessa at their house, a few days after the incident. They chatted about other things, and in all honesty Magnus was even calm at the time. He was thinking of nothing but the present moment, and the latest news about an unusual pack near Beacon Hills. Nothing really interesting, but enough to clear his head.

"You should look into this one Magnus, there are rumours about a young boy. He's a spark. Something to stimulate your intellect."

"Really? Tessa, dear, I've got bigger concerns right now."

Magnus could see exactly what Tessa was trying to do at the moment.

It wasn't that hearing about the Hale pack didn't interest him, or even that the prospect of having a young spark on the loose wasn't potentially worrying, but in all these years Magnus had never had a single apprentice. And today, he wasn't sure he was in the best mood of mind to do so. Having an apprentice required constant attention that he wasn't ready to give, not when Magnus couldn't take care of himself in all circumstances.

From the patio, Magnus heard the front door open and then close again. No doubt Mina had just returned from her last day at school. High school was over for her and with it, no doubt, the end of a normal life for a half-warlock.

Magnus smiled faintly at this thought, his eyes riveted on his half-consumed tea. In the reflection of his beverage, he observed his own silhouette. It was amazing how well everything looked from the outside.

In fifteen years, he'd almost managed to keep up appearances.

The young lady made her entrance. Eighteen years old, she was now a young woman full of life. She looked so much like Jem and Tessa. Magnus felt his heart swell; for a man who could never have children, she was a godsend.

Mina looked radiant in her lilac-coloured dress, her long hair pulled back into a braid and tied at the small of her back.

" Dad, Mum, I'm home! Oh, hello Uncle Magnus."

Magnus replied with a shake of his head and a small smile.

He had been called uncle by many of his relatives' children. But Mina was special. She was the daughter of one of his closest friends, of Jem and, somewhere in there too, of Will.

She was a child in his life that he would never see disappear.

Not this time.

"Wilhelmina," Jem began with an expression of pure tenderness on his face, "what have you got in your hands?"

"Oh, this? Nick asked me to the prom."

Mina was already pointing to the small unsealed envelope as she already disappeared down the stairwell.

Magnus didn't think about who Nick might be although he'd never heard of him until now. Nor did he think about the fact that his niece had not been with him for more than a few seconds. Nor did he listen to the exchanges that followed between the young girl and her father, who nevertheless spoke a little louder to make himself heard.

Facing him, Tessa had set her eyes on him, and even her piercing gaze failed to bring Magnus back into the conversation.

This envelope had been opened.

Alexander's still sat sealed in his bedside table.

"Magnus?"

It wasn't the sound of her voice that brought him back to reality, but Tessa's tap on his shoulder. Magnus could see the worry on her face. He still had his cup of tea in his hands, halfway between his lips and the porcelain cup. How long had he been lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts? Probably too long. James was no longer at the young woman's side, no doubt he had joined their daughter upstairs.

"Magnus, is everything all right?"

"Excuse me dear, I was... Somewhere else."

Tessa tried to offer him a gentle, almost motherly smile as her grip on his shoulder morphed in a comforting rush. The young woman didn't need words, she had managed, over time, to decipher that veil in Magnus's eyes when he allowed himself to think of Alexander.

After all, she felt the same way when, in her evenings alone, she immersed herself in the novel A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

"Tessa," Magnus began after resting his mug in the small plate, "can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, I'm listening."

Magnus thought back to the two little envelopes.

He thought back to the painful months Tessa had gone through after Will's death.

He thought of the way Tessa's smile would falter at the mention of the blue-eyed man.

He thought back to the same smile that had blossomed on the young woman's lips when, in the person of Alexander, she had seen William again for a brief moment.

And Magnus wondered if he too would one day manage to smile at every mention of Alexander in the mouths of those closest to him.

"How long did it take you to be able to read William's stories again?"

There was silence. And Magnus saw immediately in his friend's eyes that she had been taken by surprise.

Once retired, William had written a number of stories for young Shadowhunters. They had become quite popular, and Magnus was certain that Tessa had read them while the author was still alive. But then? After his death. After decades of happy, peaceful marriage. How long had it taken her to get her hands on her husband's last manuscripts? How long after his death had she had the courage to read them again?

He and Alexander hadn't even had time to get married.

Tessa sighed deeply. Magnus could see from the way the tension left the young woman's shoulders that the slight pain caused by the memory of Will had now passed. And he wondered once again if, even after centuries, the pain would really fade for good.

"I had to wait for James to come back into my life. Not our glimpses on the bridge, but when he left the Silent Brothers to become a Shadowhunter again. I'd never had the courage to do it alone before."

"James? But, Tessa, that was-"

"Nineteen years ago, yes. I haven't been able to reread Will's stories for over eighty years. And I'm still unable to reread the poems he dedicated to us. James still hasn't touched the partitures he gave him."

A dead silence fell over the whole room. Magnus slowly sank against the back of his armchair, his gaze suddenly lost in a blur.

Eighty years.

On the scale of their immortal lives, it was nothing. A blink of an eye. But the prospect of not honouring Alexander's last wishes for almost a century left a bitter taste on Magnus's tongue and turned his stomach.

He wasn't ready to read those letters.

Lilith alone knew if he ever would be.

But eighty years suddenly seemed like an eternity, and Magnus wasn't even halfway there yet.

Tessa let a ghostly smile stretch her lips as she, in turn, placed the porcelain back on the small jade tray. She didn't need Magnus's words to understand what her friend was getting at. She had lived with him, Catarina had told her about those letters. And she'd always known that sooner or later Magnus would want to dive into them.

Could he be blamed? After all, they were the last words of the love of his life.

Because of that, Tessa was certain. Alexander had been and would remain Magnus's one true love. Just as Jem and Will, between them, filled the whole of the young woman's heart. After Jem, there would be no one. Tessa would be content to watch over their descendants, as she had always done, waiting for the fateful day when the Angels would allow her to find them again.

Both of them.

With all the caution she knew herself capable of, Tessa resumed the conversation, her hands clasped in her lap as she searched for words to convince Magnus that it was a mistake.

"Magnus... You shouldn't do this."

"What are you talking about, Dear?"

Magnus surprised himself by feigning innocence. But deep down he knew exactly why. He knew Tessa well enough for that, and the young woman would no doubt tell him that opening those letters was a bad idea.

"Don't think I'm stupid, Magnus. We both know what I'm talking about. And if you asked me, it's probably because you want my opinion."

Magnus pursed his lips, a pout of disdain on his face, barely restraining himself from telling her that no, he hadn't asked for her opinion. Just to answer a little question. A not-so-innocent question, of course, but nothing that would encourage Tessa to share a wisdom that, in his opinion, the young woman had not yet acquired.

She wasn't two hundred years old, for goodness sake.

Nevertheless, Magnus would be lying to himself.

In this area, unfortunately, Magnus had no one else to turn to. Tessa was the only warlock in his inner circle who had experienced the same loss he had. It's not that immortal beings never met the one true love of their lives, but a love powerful enough to bind a warlock's magic to another being? It was a rare phenomenon.

It also made him dangerously vulnerable over the years.

And to think that Magnus had never had the courage to share this information with Alexander, foolishly thinking that it was too soon, that he would surely frighten him.

He'd lost him without ever being able to assuage Alexander's doubts about Magnus's life after him.

Magnus would never love again, not in the way he had loved him. He would probably feel affection, yes. But never love again. Just as Tessa would never experience it again after James.

The higher-ups had long wondered about Tessa's case: it wasn't possible for their magic to split in two, to cling to two souls in addition to that of their owner. Magnus, on the other hand, found the answer perfectly logical.

Tessa had fallen for a pair of parabatai. The love she felt for these two men was unbreakable, just like their souls. And since William and James had shared a part of themselves with each other, since Tessa had met them long after the Parabatai ceremony, her magic hadn't tried to separate them.

Not when the two Shadowhunters had in turn experienced the same feelings for Tessa.

"I know Alexander's disappearance seems insurmountable to you, that an eternity already seems to have passed. But it's only been fifteen years Magnus... Less than a decade ago, Raphael found you passed out in your flat, delirious, with only Alexander's name on your lips after you'd called him."

It wasn't his finest moment, Magnus readily admitted. But he wasn't ashamed of it. He wasn't ashamed of having cut himself off from the world for two years, he wasn't ashamed of having cried for days on end, with or without an audience. He had known Tessa in the same state, he had known so many other immortal acquaintances in the same situation. It was unfortunately how their lives went.

But it was normally the kind of moment you don't talk about afterwards. It was fitting to spare the humiliation of such a moment of weakness.

Out of the corner of his eye, Magnus saw Tessa leave the sofa she had been sitting on until now, and settle herself on the arm of the armchair he was currently occupying. The young woman put an arm around his shoulders and Magnus felt himself pulled against her before she slipped one of her hands into his hair.

Sometimes he forgot what a mother Tessa was.

And despite himself, Magnus gave in to this surge of tenderness.

"I know you want to read them. I know you think they were Alexander's last words to you. I also know that you want to remember these letters because you can't remember the last conversation you two had that morning. That's human, Magnus. But keep in mind that when it's done... All you can do is move on. And you and I both know that not only are you not ready to do that, but you don't want to. Just as I don’t want to move on after Will."

And Magnus wished she was wrong.

#my writing #malec fanfic #angst #angst with a happy ending #magnus bane #alexander lightwood #shadowhunters #the mortal instruments #fanfiction

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