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crazyunsexycool · 4 months

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Unbreakable

Chapter 8

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 4.2K

Warning: ANGST!, FLUFF!!!!!!!!, talk of past domestic abuse, talk of past rape, a small time jump, Steve being a supportive boyfriend.

A/n: I love these two so much. Reader finally tells Steve what her relationship with her ex was like. The second half of the chapter is full of fluff so I hope that makes up for it!!!

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It had been a few weeks since your first date with Steve and things couldn’t be going better. No one had ever cared for you the way he had. Not your boyfriend in high school or college and definitely not your ex David. You found yourself comparing them all the time. There were pages upon pages of comparison notes in your current notebook. It wasn’t on purpose but you couldn’t help it either. Your therapist did sit down with you and discuss your fears based on those lists. The first being that things wouldn’t be as they seemed. But you had seen Steve get angry and he never directed it at anyone. Still trust was something you were working on but Steve made it easier.

After talking it over with your therapist and thinking it over yourself you decided it was time to tell Steve about your past relationship. That conversation wouldn’t be easy at all. There was a chance that he could reject you and you had prepared yourself for that as best as you could.

You thought about what you wanted to say to Steve as you finished one of Marvin’s evening walks. There’s a familiar rumbling of a motorcycle the closer you get to your building and then you see Steve’s large frame moving towards the door. You called his name and his head whipped around so fast you thought it would snap off. The smile he sent your way was radiant.

“Hey.” Steve greeted you, taking your free hand and placing a tender kiss on your knuckles. “Were you at the park?”

“No, just a quick walk around the block.”

You pushed yourself up on your toes to kiss his cheek as he hummed a noise of acknowledgement.

“These are for you.” He held out a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

“Steve, they're beautiful. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I was just thinking about you and I drove by a flower shop. Thought I’d get you something.”

You felt heat rise to your cheeks. Still you tugged on his shirt so that he’d meet you halfway in order for you to thank him with a proper kiss.

“I love them, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Let’s head inside.” You say as you pull out the keys to the main door of the building.

****

Once inside your apartment and your flowers arranged in a vase you sat down with Steve on the couch. You were anxious about even having to bring the subject up and apparently very clear that something was wrong.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Steve took your hand in his gently. His touch grounded you.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just-there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Ok. I’m here whenever you’re ready. There’s no rush on my part.”

You smile at him. He made it so easy to talk to him, to open up and to even fall for him.

“I feel like for this relationship to keep going in the right direction, I need to tell you about what I went through with my ex. Just because I think it’s important for you to understand me better.”

Steve’s expression was calm but inside he was already feeling anger that you even had to go through what you did.

“Ok, but only if you want to tell me. And we can stop whenever you want. I’m here for you no matter what.” Steve gives you a small reassuring smile.

You took a deep breath and gave a small nod. This was it, now or never.

“When I first started dating David things were fine. He was nice, friendly, he planned dates and was respectful. The problems didn’t start until we had been living together for a year.” You took a deep breath. Tears are already starting to gather in your eyes but you keep going. “The first time he hit me it happened so fast that I didn’t realize it until my cheek started to sting. It was over something so stupid I can’t even remember what it was. After that it turned into him coming home and choking until I passed out because he had a bad day at work or hitting me because I didn’t fold his laundry right.”

Steve listens as you tell him of some of the things David had done to you, the mixture of physical, verbal and mental abuse. He was angry for you, enraged that he couldn’t face David and do to him what he had done to you. Marvin moves to rest his head on your to bring you comfort.

“There was one year, we had a snowstorm and we were going to be stuck at home for a few days. I went shopping before coming home and I thought I got everything we needed. That night he woke me up by grabbing me by my hair and dragging me out of bed because I forgot his beer. He kicked me over and over again until I could barely move. Then he tied me up and he kept me like that for hours. He’d leave me alone and then come and beat me some more. I remember at one point screaming at the top of my lungs before passing out. Next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital and being treated. He convinced the cops and doctors that he walked in on someone trying to steal from our place. ”

“Sweetheart-” Steve’s voice broke and he could only reach out to you and take your hand. “That’s horrible. I’m sorry you ever met him.”

“Me too.” You wiped away a few tears. “A few days after that was the first time he forced me to have sex with him. I tried to fight but I was still recovering, everything hurt and it just made him angrier.”

Steve’s breath hitched and he felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He had an inkling feeling that you had gone through something like that but to hear you confirm it had him reeling. Steve stood and turned away from you in hopes of hiding his emotions from you. This moment wasn’t about him, it was about you and you needed him to be strong. Marvin whines a bit as he nudged your thigh with his nose.

“Steve-”

“I’m ok.”

“I can stop.” You sniffle and he turns around to face you. “I know it’s not an easy topic.”

Steve sits again and he reaches for your hand and hesitates but you reach out for him.

“I’ll do whatever you want. If you want to stop we will.”

You nod. “Most people ask why I didn’t leave. I know you have to be wondering the same thing.”

“No. I can’t begin to imagine how you were feeling and what else you went through. You survived and that’s what matters.”

“I almost didn’t though. My family basically turned their back on me and I had nowhere to go.” You say before you explain what happened the day of the blip. “I wanted to leave so many times before that but he had made me feel so worthless. Like no one else would ever care about me. I didn’t even know where to go either, I was so alone and so lost. If it hadn’t been for the blip…” your voice trailed off as you thought about that moment again.

Then you explained to Steve some of the injuries you received, all of the broken bones, split lips, concussions, the need for your glasses and the scar on your chest from where you had been stabbed. You explain that you suffered from PTSD and panic attacks and those were the reason you had Marvin. After you were done it felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Well almost, there was still a chance that Steve would not want to be with you after that but it was a risk you had to take.

“I’d understand if you didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as me.”

“You can’t be serious?” Steve gave you an incredulous look. “I know that living through that wasn’t easy and if you don’t want to be with me I can understand that. But trust me Y/N I want nothing more than to be by your side. I want to show you how you deserve to be treated and I want to be here for you in whatever way you want me to be. During the good and especially during the bad.”

“You don’t think I’m broken?” You sniffle and refuse to meet his eye.

“C’mere.” Steve tugged you until you ended up seated sideways on his lap. He raised your chin up so that you would look at him. “I don’t think you are broken. You fought to live and to be here now. You amaze me by not letting what happened to you define your future. All of this could have made you bitter and made you hate the world but you have shown the opposite. You’re wonderful and I’m better because I know you.”

“Steve.” You’re crying now and you loop your arms around Steve’s neck, hiding your face from him.

“All I want is to protect you and make you happy, will you let me?”

You pull back to look up at him. He was completely sincere in his statement. You cup his cheek and run your thumb back and forth. “Only if I get to make you happy too.”

Steve smiles and nodded before connecting his lips with yours. When he pulls back you immediately lay your head against his chest. You both stay like that for a while. Steve’s strong arms keep you close to him and his touch is soothing. This is better than what you imagined would happen and you were glad that you had told him everything. Now you could move forward without the weight of your past relationship holding you back.

Since the day you talked to Steve about your past relationship things had been even better. You were more open and honest when you were having a bad day. There were many times when you would both sit down, him with his sketchbook and you with your journal and just spent some quiet time together while music played in the background. You didn’t compare this relationship with your last one anymore either, no longer spending your time quietly trying to figure out or waiting for red flags to make an appearance. It was good to feel this safe and cared for with Steve and you hoped he felt the same.

Steve had been surprised when you asked him to be your plus one to Lisa’s wedding. Though you thought it was time for them to meet. It was going to be a surprise for her for sure. You’d let Steve know that she had no idea that he was Captain America. He chuckled but was hopeful that he was well received by your friend. It was important to him to show those that cared about you that he was serious when it came to your well-being.

Steve’s eyes lit up when you opened the door. You were wearing a beautiful cerulean tulle dress. It was the first time that you wore something that had any type of cleavage and it showed off the scar on your chest and some on your back. It was something you had been self conscious about but at Nat’s gentle but firm insistence you decided on this dress. You smiled up at him, his eyes popped more with the touch of color from the tie and pocket square that matched your dress. That was definitely Nat’s doing.

“You look breathtaking.” Steve murmured as his eyes drank you in.

“Have you seen yourself? So handsome.”

Steve gives you a bashful smile. It baffled you sometimes how easy it was to get him flustered. You’d never tell him but it was your favorite thing to do.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Let me just grab my purse.” You turned and grabbed everything you needed. Then you stepped out and locked the door of your apartment. “Ok I’m ready.” You said and started heading for the stairs.

“I’m not.”

You turn to look at Steve, confused.

“I haven’t greeted my girl properly.” She smirks as he pulls you in and kisses you. “There, that’s much better.”

You can’t help the grin that breaks out on your face. Steve then takes the small bag that held Marvin’s things in one hand and your hand in the other.

Lisa and Cassie’s wedding was small but beautiful. The ceremony was held in an exquisitely decorated garden and the reception was in a huge greenhouse. You had helped with some of the planning but to see their ideas come to life was amazing. While waiting for the brides to make their big entrance Steve was kind enough to take Marvin out for a quick stroll. He got back just in time to watch both women come in and head to the dance floor and share their first dance as a married couple.

Steve had his arm around the back of your chair and you leaned into him, enjoying seeing your friend celebrating her second chance at love.

“It’s incredible.” Steve murmured into your hair and you tilted your head back to look at him.

“What is?”

“To be able to see that all love is allowed to be celebrated. In the 20s and 30s they would have been persecuted.” Steve smiles as Lisa and Cassie kiss. “I know it still happens now but this is still progress.”

“Yeah, it’s wonderful to see people able to love freely.”

After their first dance Cassie and Lisa went to their table. Dinner was served and speeches were made. There had been murmurs during the reception about Steve being there but somehow Lisa still hadn’t seen you. It wasn’t until they were walking around the tables that she made it to you.

“You two look so beautiful. Thank you for inviting me.” Yo say as you get up to hug the brides.

“You look beautiful, I’m so glad you made it. And look at Marvin, he’s wearing a matching bow tie. That’s so cute.”

“I couldn’t help it. But I’d like you to meet my date. Lisa, Cassie, this is Steve.” You turn to see Steve stand up and stretch his hand out to shake theirs.

“Congratulations, it’s a wonderful wedding.”

Lisa and Cassie are standing there with matching surprised expressions. You hide your smile behind your hand and try to stifle a giggle. They finally snap out of it and shake Steve’s hand.

“You are Steve Rogers.” Lisa says after a few seconds.

“I am. At least the last time I checked.”

“You didn’t tell me you were dating Steve fucking Rogers.” Lisa looks at you with wide eyes.

Steve throws his head back and laughs.

“Well his middle name isn’t fucking.”

“Y/N, not the point.” Lisa’s eyebrows furrow and she shakes her head. “You just said he worked in security and was in the military.”

“That’s how you described my job?”

“Well it’s true.” You turn to look at Steve. “You fought in World War Two and you’re an avenger, you literally work as security. It’s just that being an avenger is like an extreme sport.”

Steve was laughing again. His hand on his chest and his head back. You roll your eyes but laugh too and look back at the newly weds.

“Anyways, I didn’t tell you at first because I really wasn’t even sure anyone would believe me. Besides, it was a really new friendship.”

“And now a full blown relationship.” She gives you a sly smile.

“Yup.” When you turn to look at Steve he’s already looking at you fondly. “A good one too.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for you really.” Cassie says. “You both owe us a dance each.”

“Of course.” Steve nods and they move on to another set of guests. “What do you say, sweetheart, may I have this dance?”

“I’m not really a dancer.”

“Neither am I but I think we can figure it out.”

****

There was a slow song playing which was perfect for your two left feet. Steve swayed from side to side while his hands were on your waist. He kept his eyes on you the whole time, a soft smile on his lips while you sang along to the song. Marvin sat at the edge of the dance floor tracking your movements with his eyes.

“Why did you say you aren’t a dancer? I thought dance halls were popular back in the 30s.” You looked up at him as you moved your hands from his chest to loop around his neck.

“Well not a lot of dames wanted to dance with me back then. I wasn’t exactly the picture of a provider or protector.”

“They’re idiots.”

“Would you have danced with me?” He asks as he slowly turns you around the dance floor.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? You were handsome back there too. I’m sure you were polite and honest like you are now.”

Steve smiles before he dips you, his lips are on yours when he pulls you back up. You smile into the kiss just as the song ends. Someone clears their throat next to you and you pull away to see Lisa giving you an amused look.

“May I steal your date for a dance?” She asked you and you looked up at Steve before nodding. Steve kisses your hand and then takes Lisa’s.

A song starts and Steve begins to lead Lisa around. He can’t help but look over and see you and Cassie in a dance of your own laughing. The smile is involuntary, it just appears whenever he looks at you.

“Y/N’s something special isn’t she?” Lisa says in order to get his attention.

“Yes she is.”

“Other than the whole breaking up the team issue I’ve never heard anything bad about you as a person. Even then I think you were trying to protect and help someone.”

“I was trying to help my best friend. I lost him during the blip.”

“Can’t be easy to lose half of your family to a fight and then the other half to the blip.”

Steve looked at Lisa and nodded. “Those first few months afterward were horrible.”

“What changed?”

“I met Y/N. It was like a switch flipped. I mean I could tell that she was going through something and she was so scared but she slowly started to let me in.” Steve started to ramble a bit about how much he cared about you, it was sweet.

“So when are you going to tell her?”

“Tell her what?”

“That you’re in love with her.” Lisa smiled.

“Oh, I don’t know. Isn’t it too soon? I don’t want to scare her.”

“At least you didn’t deny it.” Lisa looks over to see you and Cassie mostly talking instead of dancing. “But don’t wait too long either. She’s been happier since you’ve been together and you deserve some happiness too. I’ve been in her shoes before. The uncertainty of a new relationship, the second guessing if we’re doing things right, the doubt that we’re good enough for this person that is so clearly much better for us. You seem to be a good man Steve and she needs that. Just don’t string her along ok?”

“I could never.”

“Good. Thank you for the dance.” Lisa gives him a hug. “Thank you for caring for her.”

Steve watches as Lisa makes her way over to you and takes your hand while Cassie makes her way to him. The song is a bit more upbeat so she offers to get a drink at the bar instead.

****

“Your man is so hot.” Lisa comments as you’re dancing around and you giggle.

“He really is, isn't he?”You say dreamily. “But he’s so much more than that too. He’s so caring and he puts others first. He’s never made me feel like my feelings don’t matter.” You ramble about everything you love about Steve until Lisa chuckles.

“You should tell him you love him.”

“What if it’s too soon? Maybe he isn’t there yet.”

“Trust me, he’s there already. Probably has been for a while.”

“Did he tell you something?” You asked before spinning.

“He didn’t have to say anything at all. The way he looks at you as if you’d hung the moon and the stars is enough to let me know.” Lisa wiggles her eyebrows at you.

“Maybe I will… soon.”

“I can’t wait to dance at your wedding.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t think that’s happening.”

“Please. He’s going to wife you up so hard. I want a shoutout during the speech saying I called it.” Lisa laughed as she took your hands and shimmied around with you. You loosened up too and started to really get into the dance until you were both just jumping and wiggling around the dance floor without a care in the world.

****

“You two look great together.” Cassie tells Steve from behind her glass of champagne.

“So do you. Lisa’s amazing.”

Cassie looks out to you and Lisa and smiles. “Yeah she is. My only regret is not having met her sooner.”

“Yeah, me too.” Steve says before taking a sip of his drink. “May I ask you something? It’s a bit personal.”

“Let me guess, how to show her support?”

Steve nods.

“Well everyone is different but there are a few things that seem to be true for those that survived domestic abuse. One of them being reassuring them that they deserve to be safe and happy and loved. Reminding them that what happened wasn’t their fault. Learning what their triggers are.”

“Triggers?” Steve looked at Cassie a bit confused.

“Yeah. Like is there a certain word or phrase that might cause them to think of their abuser. Yelling or sudden movements might give them a flashback. When that happens you might want to give her space or she might want you to hold her so that you can ground her to the present. It all depends on Y/N.”

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

“It’s normal for us to not think about those things. Just don’t be afraid to ask her and show her that you’re there for her. There will be times when she might want to push you away, just remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what she went through. Just give her space and remind her that you’re there for her. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.”

Steve nods and smiles when he sees you looking in his direction. A brilliant smile lights up your face as you wave him over. He’s all too happy to excuse himself and head in your direction. You’re already grabbing Marvin’s leash when he reaches you, his hand going to the small of your back.

“Everything ok?” He asks.

“Yeah, I just wanted to take Marvin outside. Wanna come with?”

“Yeah, I could use some air.”

“Great, let me go get my shall at the table. I’ll meet you by the door.”

“Ok. I’ll take Marvin.”

You hand him the leash and zigzag your way through the tables. As quickly as you can you grab the wrap you brought in case you were cold and head outside. Steve is standing close to the door as Marvin sniffs around. You walk right up to him and wrap an arm around his midsection.

“Hey.” Steve says as he places an arm around your shoulder and places a kiss on top of your head.

“Hey, want to walk around a bit?”

“Yeah, c’mon.”

The two of you walk through the dimly lit garden letting Marvin stretch his legs a bit. Paper lanterns lit the walkways that snaked their way into different sections. You wandered aimlessly talking about how beautiful the wedding was. Then you found a small dance floor outside. There were fairy lights hanging from one side to the other bathing the area in a soft, warm glow. Speakers surrounded the area and music permeated the air.

Steve took your hand and led you to the center of the outdoor dance floor. Slow, soft music was playing and Steve pulled you into his chest. His hands on your waist as you rested your hands on his shoulders. As he swayed you side to side you leaned your head against his chest.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?” You heard him say quietly, trying to stay in the magical bubble you were in at the moment.

You took a deep breath. It was time that you were honest with yourself and him.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” He asked as he started to pull away but you pulled him back in.

“Can we stay like this?”

“Of course. Everything ok?”

“Yeah,” you replied nervously. “It’s more than alright actually. Steve, I’m falling in love with you.”

You couldn’t see it but Steve smiled.

“Don’t worry sweetheart. I’ll be right here to catch you, because I already have.”

“What?” You asked as you pulled back to look at him. Same soft smile and fond look he always had when he looked at you was reflected back.

“I’m in love with you. So when you’re done falling, I’ll be right here to catch you.”

Your smile is brilliant as Steve closes the space and kisses you. How he managed to be so passionate but gentle when he kissed you would never know. But hopefully you’d have a lifetime to try and figure it out.

Ch 9

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#Unbreakable series #Steve Rogers x Reader #Captain America #Steve Rogers series #Steve Rogers Fic #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x you #Steve Rogers fluff #Steve Rogers angst

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maochira · 5 months

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I've posted about this months ago, but I feel like it's time for me to open up a bit again.

This blog mainly consists of dad and big brother fics and headcanons, thanks to my massive father and big brother complexes. Writing these fics and headcanons has helped my mental health A LOT because they brought (and still bring) me a lot of comfort and I put my own life experiences in some fics. They gave me a chance to at least imagine experiencing a normal childhood.

There's people who read what I write who told me they don't have a good relationship with their family members, and that my writings bring them a lot of comfort. I'm so happy I can help some people, because I've been through so much myself.

Writing these family fics was like taking back control. Writing my own scenarios and having control over them. Especially whenever I write dad!Ego because he's not really the type of character most people would expect to be a good father. And writing him as a good father helped me a lot.

TW: talks about emotional and physical abuse, child neglect and trauma

I grew up in an abusive household. I mainly went through emotional abuse, but also physical. I was manipulated, controlled and neglected. I escaped that household when I was kicked out of it when I was 13, and even after that my abusers still found ways to damage me.

One abuser was my ex-stepfather, who is completely out of my life now. He abused me the most and even though he was supposed to be a second father figure, he made me go through hell. My mother divorced him shortly before I turned 16 and her new boyfriend is SO MUCH better

But oh well, my mother was my other abuser. But I was more neglected than abused by her because she was at work so much I saw her 1 or 2 days a week despite living at her place. I always visited my father on weekends and during holidays but not being allowed to visit him was used as a threat to make me "behave correctly."

By now my mother has acknowledged her mistakes and apologized. Doesn't make what she did okay but she doesn't behave like she did anymore. My mother and I have a better relationship nowadays.

I've been living with my father since I got kicked out of my previous home at 13. But I still had to go through awful stuff even after escaping my abusers. (My dad is great btw he never did anything to hurt me, he always wanted the best for me and tried to help)

When I was 14 I spent 3 months in a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with multiple things, PTSD was one of them. That therapist assigned the wrong event to my PTSD, though. That mental hospital wasn't the best experience in general.

I tried looking for help ever since I was 11. Teachers, a social worker, CPS and a psychologist literally watched me being in misery and I never got proper help until late 2019 when I was 15 and finally got a good therapist.

On top of that comes the fact that I've shown signs of being autistic, or at least neurodivergent in general, ever since I was a kid so I barely understood the way the world is anyways. (I have no autism diagnosis but an okay from a therapist to say I'm autistic. I usually call myself neurodivergent because having PTSD makes me neurodivergent anyways. I still want to dig deeper and talk to my dad about how exactly I was as a child especially before the abuse happened.)

Trauma rewires your brain. The brain can't develop properly if it's constantly in survival mode.

But I survived. I have the damage, but I survived.

And I'm in control over myself now.

#💟 mao meows #tw vent #cw vent

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wendybergmann · 1 year

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disclaimer: I love ted lasso but this season fully cemented the large underlying issue I have with this show, namely its relationship problems

- sam and rebecca: I feel like there was tons of discourse when this was happening so I won't rehash it but i personally don't like how the show tried to push the narrative that there wasn't an issue with the relationship by talking about some of the glaring issues with it (age, power dynamics, etc.) within the show and attempting to counter them. I personally was against this relationship and the stress I felt this season every time they shared a loaded look took ten years off my life

jane and coach beard: red flags galore. I naively thought the show was going in a direction pre s3 where coach beard would have a storyline about getting out of this abusive relationship and was looking forward to this topic being addressed and done respectfully. I quickly realized this season that this was not the case when ted made a comment about how jane and beard's baggage fit together. I feel like this is a case of two "quirky" characters being in a relationship with red flags that are soothed over by just being like "these two people are weirdos, of course their relationship would seem weird/different" instead of just recognizing it for what it is: abusive

- jack and keeley: this was honestly the tipping point. I initially loved that they were making keeley canonly wlw (and yes, I know it can seem regressive to need a relationship for a sexuality to be "canon" but the references in earlier seasons did give me a vibe of straight humor where girls joke about experimenting in the past but it not being meant to mean anything more. maybe I am wrong to think this but given the state of media even today, sue me) and jack and keeley did have great chemistry right away. I have no problem in discussing toxic relationships, even in queer relationships, but the show irked me by having relationships such as sam/rebecca and jane/coach beard being supported by the show while the 1 wlw couple be the one where the red flags are discussed, brought up, and certified by the show by having them break up and show jack's true colors in the aftermath. to say it rubbed me the wrong way would be saying it lightly and the nicest way possible

- michelle and the therapist: yes i forgot his name. it's dr. something or whatever. the detail of ted having an aversion to therapy because his marriage counselor seemed to be against him when he went with his wife only to reveal that they started dating is just outwardly disgusting. the finale to even have him not even try to be invested in the game for michelle and henry's sakes and then have him sitting further away on his phone makes me wonder why are they even together. she doesn't seem that into it and it seemed to only be used as a plot device to show ted growing by being open and honest to his ex wife about his feelings and to be a driving force in having him feel left out of his son's life. why were they still together in the end is a mystery but I guess not shocking

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #mackenzie speaks #sorry for the long post and i wasnt going to do this but alas #i could have gotten more into it but it was already becoming an essay #im also tired of people not being happy being chalked up to tedbecca not happening like no #this show does have its issues dont minimize how people feel #jamie and his dad isnt romantic so its not included but it is one of my major issues with the show #also not included dr sharon and the rando only because i am jumping to conclusions by assuming it was potentially a sports team member of a #team she was working for and before you judge me can you honestly blame me for thinking that

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nicoline1998enilocin · 11 months

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Yours, Forever | Chapter 8

PAIRING | Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

WORD COUNT | 2.7K

SUMMARY | Y/N has a hard time dealing with the attack, and is seeing a therapist. After months and months of hard work, she is finally able to get back into work, and face the Avengers again, showing everyone the progress she has made during het time away.

WARNING(S) | This is your official trigger warning. Do not proceed if any of these topics upset you. Mention of triggers after a traumatic event, swearing, flashback to past abusive relationship - physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse mentioned, flashback to losing a parent due to suicide caused by depression, social anxiety, anxiety attack.

A/N | Hi everyone, thank you so much for reading my first ever fic! I would like to start off by saying that English isn’t my first language (I’m Dutch after all 😉) so every mistake you find – spelling or otherwise – is completely my own. I would appreciate you spreading the love about this fic, and I ofcourse hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Likes and reblogs will be very much appreciated 💜

Main Masterlist | Bucky Barnes Masterlist | Series masterlist | Chapter 7 | Chapter 9

It has been about three months since the incident with Bucky, and slowly but surely Y/N is easing back into work at the office, which is a lot more than she can handle at the moment. Every time she works from home there isn't a problem and the work load is perfectly okay, but the office still brings a lot of triggers with it. Even though she doesn't work as much as she used to, it is still a struggle to go there sometimes. Tony is always with her, and always close by, but knowing that she is still in the same building as her ex-boyfriend who hurt her brings back a lot of bad memories. She ran into Tony's office on more than one occasion because the pressure was too much to handle, and they went home immediately, but it hurt Tony to see her like this. It hurt him to see her struggle with her PTSD again, just like she did after everything Paul had done. He finally had his old Y/N back, but that asshole had to fuck her up once again. She didn't deserve this.

These triggers didn't go unnoticed by Y/N ofcourse, but she still tried to get over them by herself, just like last time. But this isn't the same as last time. Back then she wasn't hurt by someone she loved so much, someone she would pluck the moon and stars for if that's what he wanted. She was hurt by some piece of shit who couldn't keep his hands or his dick to himself, not by her soulmate. And that is exactly what made this a hundred times worse than anything Paul could have ever done to her. This time it got so bad, Tony tried to bring up the possibility of going to a therapist, so she could get the professional help she desperately needed. ''No one is going to judge you for talking to a therapist, honey. I see that it is becoming too much for you to handle on your own, and I don't want to lose you, I can't lose you. So please, I strongly advise you to go see a therapist, and get the help you need, for you, for me, for all of us. We all love you and want nothing but the best for you.'' and she decided to go.

In the beginning, therapy was incredibly hard, and she couldn't talk about what happened, because she was just crying, more than she ever thought would be possible. But after a few sessions, she became a little more comfortable with her therapist, and decided to open up about her first traumatic experience, losing her mom to suicide.

I was 13, when I lost my mom to suicide, but that wasn't her first attempt. She was struggling with depression for as long as I could remember. When I was a little kid, we used to play together a lot, and do all sorts of fun stuff, but over time that happened less and less, and she was taking less care of me, my dad and herself. She didn't bring me to school, didn't pick me up, at her deepest moments she didn't even get out of bed, because she just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what triggered her depression, but I know it was hard to see my mom like that, I won't ever forget how extremely helpless I felt.

Her first attempt was unsuccessful, when she swallowed a bunch of pills when I was around 8 or 9 years old. My dad found her in the bathroom and called 911, my neighbor got me and I had to stay there until my parents came back from the hospital. They said my mom wasn't feeling well, so she wouldn't be getting out of bed for a while. Later, I found out that it was just a side effect of the heavy anti-depressants she was on.

Her second, and last attempt, was indeed successful. For a few years, she seemed to be on the rise, but as you know you can't believe everything you see on the outside. She was struggling beyond belief, and on Christmas day, she couldn't take it anymore. She slit both her wrists and bled out in a bath tub, and it was my dad once again who found her. This time I was taken by my friends mom, and I was living there for a while. All my dad said was that my mom was in so much emotional and mental pain, that she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't see any other way out.

It felt good to Y/N to finally be able to tell her story, her story of losing her mom. The woman she loved so dearly, who she missed so much every single day. ''There isn't a day where I don't think about her, and how much she would have loved New York. It was her absolute favorite city in the world, and she always dreamt of going here one day.'' Y/N said. ''Everytime I walk by a flower shop and see a bouquet of lillies, I think of her and I see it as a sign that she's thinking of me, since her name was Lily.'' she said with a soft voice, tears streaming steadily down her face. ''I just wish she could see how far I've come in this life, moving to New York with my dad, becoming a successful lawyer, finding the love of my life, my god she would have loved him.'' she said, thinking of Bucky. The guy who ended up hurting her despite promising he wouldn't. But he was still the love of her life, and she couldn't deny that.

A few sessions later, she started talking about her second traumatic experience, the abusive relationship she entered when she met Paul.

At first, Paul seemed like a decent guy, nothing like the monster he ended up being. He was a true gentleman, both outside and inside the bedroom. My needs always came first, until they didn't. After 6 months, a switch flipped inside his head, and suddenly I was the bad guy in our relationship, and he ended up abusing me physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally.

I wasn't aloud to see anyone he didn't approve of beforehand, and if they were man he wouldn't approve at all. He made me break contact with my dad, with Tony, my best friend, and all other men in my life, no matter if they were colleagues, or anything like that. Whenever I went out of the house, he was there with me, controlling every single thing I do, or say. I felt like it wasn't worth it to live anymore, but at the time I thought I loved this man, so I would do anything to make him happy.

After 2 years in the relationship, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and decided to call Tony, my best friend, on a burner phone I got. It was the only way I could reach him, but I almost didn't make it out alive. Paul abused me so bad physically and sexually, that I couldn't move, had multiple broken bones and couldn't think straight anymore. Tony got me out of that house, and took me into his.

''For years after that, I barely let anyone get close to me. This is what made my anxiety even worse than after losing my mom, there were times I had such heavy anxiety attacks I couldn't breathe, and had to be hospitalized. This also caused me social anxiety to go through the roof, everywhere I went, I thought I saw Paul even though he is locked up for good.'' Y/N explained. She was very comfortable with her therapist now, and felt comfortable sharing these problems with him. ''But the latest reason I came to therapy, is the attack I endured a few months ago, when my ex-boyfriend attacked me.''

Bucky went on a mission to a HYDRA-base, even though Tony strongly suggested he should stay behind. No one knew better how they worked than him, was his reasoning. But he should have listened to Tony, because he got captured by them once again, but they were unable to turn him back into the Winter Soldier after he has been to Wakanda.

This brought up a lot of triggers for him, and when he came back, he wasn't the same person he was when he left Italy a few weeks earlier. He locked himself in his room, and I could hear him have these terrible night terrors that he has been struggling with, even more than before.

One night I was at his door again, wanting to help him, but I pushed him too far, and he attacked me by grabbing me by my throat with his vibranium hand, and he almost squeezed the life out of me. I was very fortunate that Tony and Steve heard what happened, because they saved me, otherwise I would not be sitting here right now.

''And the worst thing is, Bucky is still the love of my life, my soulmate, my other half. Even though he hurt me beyond belief, I still love him so much, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to hate him, I want to yell at him and be mad at him, but I can't because I love him. And that scares me the most, if I'm being honest.'' she finished.

~ 6 months later ~

Y/N has been going to therapy consistently for the last 6 months, and her therapist mentioned her huge improvements. If she wants, she could maybe try and see some of the Avengers again, once she is friends with, in order to work on her social anxiety. She starts of easy with meeting Steve and Lucas, who were stronger than ever as a couple, and they happily took Y/N under their wing to help her with this process. She was sitting in the kitchen with them eating some of her dads cupcakes and talking, when Bucky walked in and Y/N completely stiffened, her social anxiety getting the best of her. She immediately left the kitchen, but she couldn't prevent an anxiety attack, and collapsed in the middle of the hallway with long, hard sobs and a splitting headache. This was all still too much, and seeing him again triggered her attack again, one she hadn't had for close to 6 months now. All progress, down the drain.

After this attack, Bucky has decided to write Y/N a letter, telling her how he feels about this all, and what happened. He asked Steve to give it to her, and leave it up to her if she wanted to read it or not. He also included the necklace in the envelope as well, he had kept it safe all those months, but he had to give it back at some point. Once he had written everything he could before breaking down completely, he put it in a soft pink envelope with her name on the front, and he put the necklace in there in some tissue paper, to protect it. He asked Steve to give it to her, and he did.

''Y/N, I have something for you, but you don't have to open or read it if you don't want to.'' Steve said with the envelope in his hand. ''Buck asked me to give this to you, but there is no obligation for you to open it if you don't want to.'' and you took the envelope from his hand. She saw his handwriting and the corners of her lips slightly lifted, marking the beginning of the first smile in months. ''Will you stay with me? I would love to read it, actually.'' ''Anything for you.'' Steve said, and he sat down next her on her bed. She opened the envelope and saw something in white tissue paper, which she unwrapped first. ''My necklace, I thought it got broken that night!'' she exclaimed, clenching it in her hand when tears pricked behind her eyelashes. She safely stored it away in her jewellery box for now, until the day she would be ready to wear it again. She folded the letter open and read:

''Doll,

First I want to start off by saying how unbelievably sorry I am for what I have done to you, it was never my intention to hurt you, I love you so much and it kills me to know that I hurt you. I have night terrors because of it, and I can't blame anyone else but myself.

It kills me to see you flinch, or have an anxiety attack every time we see each other, and I wish I could take all the pain you went through away from you. I never want to see you hurt like that, because you don't deserve that. You deserve the world, the moon, the stars, you deserve someone who won't hurt you. Someone who will love you unconditionally, and who you can build a family with.

I still think about the conversations we had about our dream lives, how you would love to get married one day on a tropical island, have three kids and a big beautiful house with some pets to finish it all off. And I wish you all of that, and more, but I mostly wish I could be the one to give you just that. I fucked up my chance at this life with you and I cannot express how sorry I am, but I will try and make it up to you every single day if you let me.

I want you to be mine, and I promise to be yours, forever.

~ J.B.B.

Y/N has read the letter countless times since then, and some of the ink has been splotched from where the tears have fallen onto it, making some parts unreadable now. But she has read it so many times, she knows it by heart, and deep down she knows she has forgiven him for what he did, but she wasn't ready to let anyone know that yet. She was still not far enough in her healing process to fully accept that. Her social anxiety is still as prominent as ever, and even though she doesn't run away from him when he walks into the same room anymore, she also doesn't actively seek out any contact with him. She knows she isn't ready for that yet.

However, today she is finally ready to wear her necklace again, as a sign towards Bucky and everyone else that she is slowly starting to be okay with it. That the therapy is helping her. She has a meeting with everyone again, and she even put on a little bit of a lower cut shirt, so she could show off her necklace again after wearing high neck shirts for the last months. ''Are you ready to go back in, honey? You know they all love you unconditionally right? Even when you aren't ready to face every one yet?'' Tony asked, as they were the last ones to walk into the conference room. ''I'm ready.'' she said with a new found confidence, and when she walked in with her head held high, she could feel the love in the air with all the Avengers. When she walked past Bucky she put her hand on his shoulder for a second before moving on, giving him a sign that she is doing better.

When she reached her place in the front of the meeting room, Steve whispered ''Looking good, Y/N. I'm glad to see you're wearing your necklace again.'' and she's glad Steve said that, giving her even more of a confidence boost. ''Allright everyone, before this meeting starts, I would like to say that - with a lot of thanks to my therapist - I will be returning to work in the office for 3 days a week, so you will be sure to see me around more often now. I missed you all so much, and I am happy to see all your faces again. And Nick, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do this, it means a lot.'' she said with a smile towards Fury. When she looked up she saw Bucky looking at her necklace, and a small smile appeared on his face. 'Maybe there was a light at the end of this tunnel after all' he thinks to himself.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes

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anopenlettertomyexs · 2 months

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FAQ

Just made this in case anyone stumbled upon here. Hidden under the cut VVV

1. Why did you make this?

I get obsessively fixated on things that happened in the past and it makes me panic and overthink stuff, and I don't have anywhere else to vent this. That might be my ADHD or OCD that causes it. Regardless, I heard this can be a great way to treat these intrusive, obsessive thoughts. Maybe I'll regret it and delete this, but I dunno.

2. What are you hoping to gain from this?

To make it clear, I don't want to reach out to these people. If I wanted to, I would've indulged in these compulsions way earlier and bombard them, or I would've tried harder to keep in touch with them. It's purely just closure for myself to treat my obsessive thoughts. I'm also a whole ass adult now, and I wanna let go of the past. Maybe bringing it up and talking about it isn't helping it, maybe it will. I've moved on a lot, but I truly want to just let it go y'know?

3. What if one of your exs sees this blog?

If somehow one or more of them see this, and deduce who it is behind this blog, then... well I don't know. Depends on who stumbles upon here. Some of them I'd be glad they finally know how I think about them, others I'd just get pissed off. Regardless, I don't really care. If they wanna reach out to me I won't respond because I've already gotten my peace, but if it gives them closure to respond here... then they can.

4. Why do you have so many of them?

I'm not proud of it. I was a very clingy and emotionally immature kid. I didn't know how to love myself so I depended on others to love me, which hurt me and others in the end. Luckily, I am in a better place now, I've been in a long term relationship and I've learned to love myself too. I'm writing this before the letter so I don't think I'll even write to all of my exs, because some of my previous relationships either didn't feel like one, or we've already made up, etc.

5. Can I ask you more questions?

I don't know why but sure. Anon is off though. Just more comfortable that way... I'm unsure if I'll actually answer them though. Depends on how often I check this email, cause as soon as I'm done typing the letters, I'm logging out.

6. What's your main?

Sorry but I'm not giving that out, not even in DMs. There's a reason I'm making an entirely separate blog. Plus some of my exs in my letter were abusive so I'm not giving them a way to contact me.

7. Is this an ARG?

No. I am (unfortunately) a real person, with real feelings, trying to properly heal. This isn't part of an ARG or anything like that. Just gonna clear that up in case anyone potentially thought that.

8. Do you have a therapist?

No, due to a lot of reasons I don't. It would be nice though. I did have one in the past though, and I'm sure this blog is something my old one would approve of to help me.

9. If I do ask you something, how do I refer to you? (Pronouns, name, etc.)

To keep my privacy just refer to me as AOL (An Open Letter). Please do not use pronouns for me, just AOL in place of them (but for accessibility's sake, they/them or it/its is fine)

10. Why not use tags?

Cause ultimately I'm scared of getting potential contact from others, so I wanna minimize it as much as possible without outright removing the option.

Hopefully this clears up a lot of questions so I don't have to get scared of repeated notifications lol

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cherienymphe · 3 years

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Cruel Intentions (Steve Rogers x Reader)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, manipulation, mentions of abuse, therapist!Steve, silverfox!Steve, drugging

! DNI IF THIS OFFENDS YOU !

➥ Image by @angrybirdcr

➥ dividers by @firefly-graphics

This is for the “For the Fic” challenge whose winner for my fic was @darkficsyouneveraskedfor

The entire plot was her request and I hope that you like it!

summary: after escaping an abusive ex, you find solace in a therapist recommended to you by a friend.

“...I know I shouldn’t...but sometimes I blame myself. In Harry, I know that I was looking for what I never had in my family. I think it made me quick to rush into things...to ignore what I should have seen.”

Your eyes remained on the dark carpet, the man before you humming as the scribbling sound of his pen reached your ears. You fought hard not to fidget, a horrible habit you’d picked up in the last 3 years. You finally lifted your head again when the room was bathed in silence, eyes meeting familiar blue ones as he studied you.

You were used to these short moments of silence by now.

You’d been recommended to Dr. Steve Rogers by a friend, a friend who’d helped you escape your violent ex in the dead of night while he’d been away on business. She had grown worried when it became obvious that the effects of your tumultuous relationship would be lasting if you didn’t do something about it. Oddly enough, you’d been receptive. For 2 whole years, you’d wanted to tell someone, have anyone to turn to and talk to, but fear, a very valid fear, had stopped you.

Not only had you been worried for your life, something that was threatened on a constant basis, but you’d also been afraid of judgement. You worried what your friends would say, if they’d blame you for finding yourself in such a predicament, if they’d look down on you for no longer fighting back. It was only by a stroke of luck that Nakia had seen Harry slap you right across the face when he thought she’d left. You were grateful that she’d waited for him to leave before rushing towards your trembling frame, pulling you into her arms as she shushed you.

She had demanded to know how long this had been going on. She had been horrified and confused and angry. It didn’t take her long to come up with a plan, and within 2 weeks, after waiting for Harry to leave the city for 2 days, she’d gotten you out and into her place across town. You didn’t stay for long, maybe a few weeks, wanting nothing but to put it all behind you, and although she was sad to see you go, she understood.

It was how you found yourself in upstate New York, in a secluded tiny thing of a house. You hadn’t even realized that you’d become something of a recluse until Nakia had pointed it out during one of your weekly calls. It had never hit you that you went to work and to home and that was it. You barely ate anymore, so grocery shopping was never a frequent affair. That was when she’d told you about a well known therapist in the area, Steven G. Rogers. You had been shocked by how much you weren’t opposed to the idea as she went on listing all of his credentials.

It was only moments after she hung up that you found yourself researching him yourself. You remembered noting how handsome the man was, even more so in person. His bright blue eyes and silver tresses complimented his strong features nicely, pink lips pulled up into a polite smile. You didn’t find yourself put off by the stranger, thinking to yourself that talking to someone you didn’t know, an objective listener who was paid not to judge you, might be for the best.

You soon found out that was easier said than done.

The first visit had been rocky, barely mumbling a thing and constantly fidgeting. You had hardly been able to meet his eye, and the session had abruptly ended when you’d left early, stumbling over your words as you gave some half assed excuse for your sudden departure. He was far more understanding than you deserved during your second visit. Wracked with guilt and anxiety, you’d written some things down that you wanted to talk about, and thankfully, the man hadn’t laughed at you. In fact, you remembered how fondly he looked at you as you unfolded it.

As it turned out, you didn’t need the slip of paper at all. Notes forgotten, you had rambled on for an hour. It was like once you started, you just couldn’t stop, and Steve simply listened the entire time. The next time he spoke to you was only to tell you that your time was up, and both embarrassment and disappointment had flooded through you. It must have been obvious, plain as day on your features, because Steve reassured you that it was normal to ramble.

You had been reluctant to leave. After years of biting your tongue and living in fear of even making the wrong sound, you finally found someone to listen. Even if it was only a stranger getting paid for it, it was still something. There was someone to express your fears to, and although it had taken some time, terrified that you’d say the wrong thing and upset him, eventually, you started to express your anger too.

“...and then I get angry all over again,” you continued when he said nothing. “...because I’m smart, because red flags in others’ relationships have always been so obvious to me. I’ve always been the mom friend, the one who can spot trouble before it even starts. I’ve helped friends get out of situations before they even had the chance to turn sour…”

You shook your head.

“...and yet...it took a slap to the face to realize just how deep I was in? Not the jealousy, not the anger issues nor the way he’d isolated me from just about everyone in my life...but a slap? It should’ve never gotten to that.”

“You can’t blame yourself for the actions of others.”

It wasn’t the first time you’d heard that. Hell, it wasn’t even the first time he’d told you that, and yet here you were again.

“We can go in circles analyzing your own behavior and the things you did and the things you said, but the truth is that you could play it out in your head a million times. You could do every single thing differently, and it still wouldn’t change a thing.”

The corner of his lips lifted into a crooked smile, a familiar sight.

“Some people are simply cruel, and it has nothing at all to do with you.”

You sharply inhaled, unsure of why such a simple statement resonated with you so deeply. You stared at Steve, blinking a few times, opening your mouth to respond when he glanced at the clock. It was a tell tale sign, and your shoulders sagged. You would think that after seeing him for 7 months now, you’d be used to leaving after only an hour, but it never got easier.

“That’s all the time we have for today,” he said, standing. “You’re progressing nicely, Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes, and he chuckled, eyes crinkling.

“You are. Progress and healing isn’t linear. Sometimes you’re going to take 2 steps back before you can take 10 more forward. It’s all part of the process,” he assured you.

You sighed.

“Well… I guess that does make me feel a bit better,” you replied.

He sent you a small smile as he guided you towards the door.

“I’ll see you next week?”

You returned his smile with a nod and didn’t let your face fall until the door was shut behind you. The good thing about therapy was that you could recognize your own toxic behaviors now, and it was clear that you were becoming reliant on your sessions with Steve. You had never liked being alone, but you had come all the way out here to learn to do just that. For your sake, you needed to learn to love being alone. It was how you had gotten into this mess to begin with.

Your phone vibrated with a call from an unknown number, and figuring it was a scam call, you silenced it.

Your house was practically in the middle of nowhere, so when the tv wasn’t blasting or you didn’t have Spotify playing some light tune, the house could get scarily quiet. But that was what you wanted...right? Harry had always been so explosive. The smallest of things could set him off and then the sound of yelling and shattering glass would rain down on you. Silence and solitude was what you wanted, needed.

Your phone buzzed again as you settled into your car, and you huffed when you noticed it was the same number. Again, you weren’t unfamiliar with scam callers so you ignored it. You noted that you needed to go grocery shopping, but you weren’t on the precipice of starvation just yet, so it could hold off for another day. By the time you got inside, your phone had started to buzz again, and with a frown, you decided to answer it.

“Hello?”

You were met with silence as you unlocked your door, and you repeated yourself, but there was no response. With a sigh, you hung up the phone. You both loved and hated coming home. It was quiet and safe and everything you had craved for years now, but the unfamiliarity of it all unnerved you. Sometimes you were just waiting for Harry to come flying through the door, screaming and breaking things. You had to remind yourself that this silence, this security, is how it’s supposed to be.

You went about making a quick meal, hopping into the shower while leaving the stove on low. When you got out, in the process of moisturizing your arms, you noticed your phone buzzing with another call. From that same number. Unease filled you as you neared it, and you hesitantly reached for it before answering.

Again, you were met with silence, and frustrated and annoyed, you simply blocked the number. A quick look through your phone revealed that you’d missed several calls from the same number while in the bathroom. Blinking with a deepening frown, you set your phone down and made your way to your kitchen. Dinner, like always these days, was quiet. You curled up on the couch with your plate while you watched some old sitcom.

The rest of the night passed as blandly as it always did. Sleep was much easier to find these days, so you had no trouble as soon as your head hit the pillow. However, just as you were on the verge, your phone buzzed with another call. This number didn’t match the previous one, but it was unknown nonetheless. With a groan, you put your phone on silent and rolled over, sleep claiming you.

“I know it’s you,” you sneered into the phone.

Unsurprisingly, you were met with the faint sound of breathing, and you clenched your jaw. You slammed the car door behind you before stomping across the parking lot.

“I know it’s you,” you quietly repeated. “Stay away from me.”

You hung up before blocking the number, the 10th number you had blocked in the past week. Every few hours or so a day, like clockwork, you got calls from an unknown number. You’d always end up blocking the number after the first few calls, but they always called again from a different one. At first, they’d say nothing, and you’d listen to silence for a few seconds before hanging up. Now, they’d taken to breathing in your ear like a creep. It wasn’t even until you blocked the 3rd number did it finally hit you.

Harry.

Harry freaking Osborn.

You felt like such an idiot for not putting it together sooner. Of course, it was Harry. Was this not the same man who threatened to hunt you down and drag you back like some animal if you ever left him? You had always equated woman beaters to cowards so you never thought he’d have the nerve to actually do it. Putting the pieces together didn’t bring you any comfort. Your filthy rich abusive ex had managed to track you down. What comfort was there to find in that?

Since that day, you hadn’t had a proper night of sleep. Your mind was constantly at war with itself on what to do. Having been down this road before, you knew the police would be no help. You’d gone to them once before, at the very beginning after the first time he’d hit you. It was your first harsh lesson that money ruled over everything. If you thought hard enough, you could still recall his hands around your throat, eyes alight with anger at what you’d tried to pull.

Still, you considered at least trying to get a restraining order but at the end of the day, that was a mere piece of paper. If Harry came to your door, it wasn’t going to stop him from hurting you, and that’s even if the whole process went through. They don’t just give restraining orders out willy nilly. You tried not to dwell on that hypothetical situation, but if he’d found your number, it would only be a matter of time before he found your address.

“Oh!”

You’d only just entered the grocery store, barely stepping into an aisle when you bumped into someone. The chips and bread in his hands went flying to the floor, and apologies tumbled from your lips. It was only after you helped him pick up what you made him drop did you realize who you’d run into.

“Dr. Rogers...hi,” you breathed.

The corner of his lips pulled into a crooked smile, head tilting to the side as his gaze fell onto you.

“We’ve discussed this before, Y/N. You’re more than welcome to call me Steve,” he told you.

You gave a nervous chuckle, nodding.

“Yeah...uh… I normally do, it just...it just slipped my mind,” you replied.

He blinked at you, eyes narrowing just a bit as he studied you. His brows furrowed in that concerned way you were used to, a silver strand of hair kissing his forehead.

“Everything okay…?”

You folded your arms over your chest, nodding with a strained smile.

“Everything’s fine,” you lied. “It’s just… It’s been a weird week. Our next session cannot come fast enough.”

You forced a light laugh, and he joined you. He placed a hand on his hip, eyes boring into your own.

“There’s a coffee shop just over there,” he gestured. “Did you want to sit and have a chat?”

You frantically shook your head.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t,” you told him. “I-.”

“I know I’m your therapist, but I want you to think of me as a confidant outside of the office too. You’re more than welcome to talk to me anytime. In fact, I encourage it,” he interrupted.

You nervously eyed him with a frown.

“Are...are you sure?”

His smile was comforting.

“This may be my job, but it’s one I chose because it’s one I enjoy. I don’t want you to feel like you’re only allowed to talk to me during our sessions,” he quietly said.

You bit your lip, and Steve continued.

“I’d hate to think that you’re bottling things up for days on end, suffering in silence because you’re just waiting to talk to me,” he confessed.

Your shoulders sagged, and you hesitantly nodded.

“...okay. I just need to get a few things for the house.”

“Okay,” he said with a smile. “You know where to find me.”

You parted ways, and a sigh escaped you. You really didn’t want to become reliant on Steve. Wasn’t the whole point of therapy to learn how to process your feelings and cope with them better? Running to your therapist every time you have a problem just seemed counterproductive. And yet, once your car was loaded up with the few items you bought, you found yourself making your way to the coffee shop.

After ordering a small drink, you easily spotted Steve at a table in the back. You noted that even outside of your sessions, he still dressed nicely. The dark button down he wore contrasted with his light hair, dark slacks making him appear taller. You felt simultaneously nervous and comforted as you settled across from him. There was a brief silence, one in which you sipped on your drink while he eyed you before finally speaking.

“So what’s on your mind?”

What a loaded question. You struggled over whether or not to tell him the truth. Your abusive ex had found you somehow and was currently harassing you. That’s not something you could just casually drop into the conversation. Besides, Steve was your therapist, not your friend. You didn’t think it fair to rope him into the drama with your ex. That wasn’t part of his job description. Right?

“Just sleepless nights,” you said.

It wasn’t a complete lie. Steve eyed you like he was waiting for you to continue, blue eyes soft.

“I’m also worried that...my past might not remain in the past.”

Once again, this wasn’t a complete lie.

“How so?” Steve hummed.

“I can’t help but wonder about what will happen if Harry finds me. He always threatened that he would if I ever left, and while I never believed him before, I just keep wondering… What if he does?”

Steve tilted his head at you, and you leaned back in your seat with a sigh.

“I’ve moved all the way out here to get away from him. I’ve isolated myself because I thought it was for the best, but it would have the opposite effect if he ever found me. I’ve never been particularly close with my family as you well know, and I’ve left all of my friends. I’m all alone here, and it’s the worst thing to be if he ever did track me down.”

Like always, you had started to ramble, and you snapped your mouth closed, embarrassment flooding through you.

“What brought all of this on?”

Steve’s eyes were sincere as he ran them over you, handsome face twisted in concern, and you glanced away.

“Just thinking,” you lamely replied, eyes on your drink now. “It’s something I’ve always thought about, sure, but it’s been more pressing as of late.”

“Well...that’s what I’m here for. You shouldn’t have to deal with these thoughts alone,” he eventually said.

“I know,” you sighed, rubbing your temples. “...but I shouldn’t become so reliant on you. The whole point of therapy is to learn to deal with these things on my own, is it not?”

Steve exhaled, leaning back in his seat as he gazed at you.

“Not necessarily. Not always,” he answered. “...but even then, until you can get to that point, it’s best to lean into your support. After all, you’ve gotta crawl before you can walk, right?”

You nodded, taking in his words.

“...and even when you’re walking, you usually need someone there in the beginning to hold your hand in case you fall. I encourage you to talk to your friends more, maybe even branch out and find some friends here, but I’m here as well. Don’t halt any of your progress because you feel like you need to be dealing with this alone. Outside help does more for your progress than you’d think.”

“I guess that does make sense. I don’t know… I just- I’d feel so bad about showing up at your office throughout all hours of the day or calling your receptionist-.”

You cut yourself off when he took out a pen and a slip of paper.

“Here,” he said, scribbling a number on it before handing it to you. “This is my personal number.”

Your eyes widened.

“Oh, I can’t-.”

“It’s fine, trust me.”

You hesitantly returned his smile, taking the piece of paper.

“Don’t hesitate to call me anytime you want to,” he told you, standing.

You joined him, fingering the note before sliding it into your pocket.

“Thank you…Steve. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually call you, but just knowing that I have the option makes me feel so much better,” you whispered.

You heard his pager go off, and you watched as he glanced at it. He let out a sigh, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he sounded disappointed.

“I’ve got to go, but I hope you’ll use that number if you need to.”

Thanking him again, you said your goodbyes, and you watched as he exited the shop. The slip of paper felt heavy in your pocket, so you solved that by putting his number into your phone. Just as you were about to put it back into your purse, it buzzed with a call from an unknown number. Fear settled into your gut, and with a grimace, you silenced the call and blocked the number.

You were late. You were so late it was laughable to even show up at this point. Your shoes tapped against the tile as the numbers on the elevator lit up as it passed each floor. You slipped through the doors as soon as they parted, and with no mind to check in, the receptionist calling your name, you raced towards Steve’s office. You reached his door just as he opened it to step out, and the papers that he was holding scattered to the floor as you collided with him. You hadn’t even realized how fast you’d been running until you were knocked on your ass.

You could hear the heels of the receptionist as she ran over, apologizing to Steve for letting you slip past her, but he waved her off. She reluctantly returned to her desk, and you scrambled to sit up, reaching for everything that had fallen.

“I was beginning to think you’d never show,” Steve joked.

You gave a shaky laugh.

“I uh...I got caught up,” you replied through trembling lips, fingers shaking as you struggled to stack all of his paperwork.

You could feel Steve’s eyes on you, but you avoided his gaze.

“I know I’m late. Our hour is practically over, but I- I just… Um, crap.”

You had dropped the papers all over again, and you both reached for them at the same time. At least, that was what you thought. Steve’s hands covered yours, and you only just realized how badly they were shaking.

“Y/N.”

His voice was soft, exactly what you needed right now, but you couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Y/N, is everything alright?”

Your chest was tight, and you wanted to will your lips to form a yes. You wanted to tell him that everything was fine, but you couldn’t even get the words out. He called your name again, and you suddenly stood, taking the papers with you. You handed them to him as he followed your lead, still avoiding his eye.

“I’m sorry for being late, and I know that you probably have another session-.”

“I don’t,” he interrupted. “Come in.”

You glanced up from beneath your lashes as he opened the door, ushering you inside. You wrapped your arms around yourself as he shut the door behind you.

“Is everything okay?”

You turned your face away from him, unable to keep it from crumbling as you held in a sob.

“Y/N.”

The way he called your name had you freezing in place, a shiver running through you at his firm tone, authority in the one simple word. In a way, it reminded you of Harry, and you looked to him with wide eyes. Seeming to understand what he’d done, Steve sighed before sitting down, making himself appear smaller to show that he wasn’t a threat to you.

“I’m sorry,” he genuinely apologized. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Please...sit.”

You hesitantly did so and reached out to take the tissue he offered you. You hadn’t even realized that you’d started crying.

“Now… I’m going to ask you again, and I’m begging you to please be honest with me. I’m here to help you in any way I can,” he whispered.

You wiped your face, sinking your teeth into your lip.

“It’s...Harry.”

Steve’s face was pinched with concern.

“What is it? Are you having nightmares again-?”

“No, you don’t understand. He��s calling me,” you confessed.

Steve froze, blinking a few times before his eyes widened, your words finally registering. You sniffed, fighting to hold in a sob.

“It started weeks ago, before we ran into each other that night…”

You didn’t miss the disappointment that flitted over his features, lips pressed together.

“...and I know I should’ve said something then-.”

“You should’ve called me.”

“I know! I know, but… I don’t know. I just wanted to handle this on my own,” you quietly said.

He didn’t respond, and you turned your eyes towards the window.

“Last time...I wasn’t able to get away on my own. I wanted it to be different this time. At first, I simply blocked him but he kept calling and calling from different numbers. Then I got a new phone...and eventually another, but it’s still the same. He keeps finding me,” you tearfully told him. “...and today…”

Your eyes met his, and you were comforted by the concern you saw there.

“Today I was at the police station. That’s why I was late.”

Steve straightened up at this.

“I thought that maybe I could get a restraining order or maybe they could trace the calls to show that it’s him, but the whole visit was useless. They boiled it down to petty relationship drama, and since there’s no record of his violent behavior because I never reported anything…”

You shrugged, scoffing.

“There’s basically nothing they can do. The whole visit was a waste,” you spat.

Steve heaved a sigh, and he slowly reached out towards you, leaning forward.

“I didn’t ask before, but… Is it alright if I hold your hand?”

You nodded. That was what you liked about Steve. He was always asking for your consent with just about everything, even the simplest of things, and it was such a nice contrast to Harry who used to feel like he was entitled to your body. Steve took your hand, throwing you a comforting smile as he eyed you, worried.

“I wish that you had called me,” he said.

You looked down, guilt filling you.

“I could have helped you before it ever got to this point. I have friends on the force, friends in high places who could lock this creep up if you wanted.”

“I feel like an idiot.”

Of course Steve, Dr. Steven Rogers, knew people who could help you. Of course he did! Your stubbornness had gotten you far deeper into this than necessary.

“What have I said about self deprecating language?”

“Sorry,” you murmured.

“You’re not an idiot. Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re just a woman trying to find her strength again.”

You hesitantly nodded, and he brushed his thumb over the back of your hand.

“I want you to get rid of your phone,” he suggested.

You frowned, and he continued before you could question him.

“I’ll work on getting a new one for you. A secure one under my name.”

You frowned, not liking the idea of being so indebted to him.

“Steve, I don’t know-.”

“It’ll only be temporary. You can use it until I talk to some people and have him properly dealt with.”

Even though you weren’t keen on the idea, you reluctantly agreed.

“...and you have to promise me one thing…”

You eyed him, holding his gaze as you waited for him to continue.

“Promise me that you’ll call me the second he bothers you again,” he proposed.

Accepting the fact that your stubbornness was doing you more harm than good, you nodded. Steve seemed pleased with that, and with one last pat on your hand, he let you go. As he guided you out of your office, your phone in his hand, you felt more hopeful than you had in over a month. You felt so silly for not seeking out his help sooner, and you couldn’t deny the weight that had been lifted from your shoulders as you settled into your car.

True to his word, at your next session, Steve presented you with a new phone. It had all of your important contacts with Steve being at the top of the list. Embarrassment had flooded you as you thanked him with tears in your eyes. The week without your phone had been the most peace you’d had in a while, and you finally got some much needed rest.

“You haven’t heard anything from him, have you?” he’d asked you.

“No,” you answered, shaking your head. “Not a peep.”

He threw you that same smile that always brought you comfort.

“Good. Even if you never do, you’re always free to call me,” he’d reminded you.

Finally deciding to let your stubbornness go, you did. Talking to Steve outside of your sessions was easier than you thought it’d be. It was like talking to a friend. Sometimes you’d meet up at that same coffee shop not too far from his office, and other times you’d be putting a quick meal together while he was on the other line, listening to you ramble. You soon realized that it wasn’t just his profession that made him that way, but Steve truly was an unbiased listener. He never judged you for any steps back in your progress nor for any of your more self deprecating thoughts.

Best of all, you hadn’t heard anything more from Harry.

Not until he knocked on your door one night.

It was late when you’d heard the pounding on the wood, and having been watching tv in your room, you wondered if you imagined it. It was only moments later that you’d heard it again. Your eyes had widened, sitting up in alarm. No one knew you lived here. Not even your mailman. All of your mail collected at a Post Office box before you eventually went to pick it up. You stood, standing in your room, trembling in fear before a knock on your bedroom window had you screaming.

You didn’t hesitate to call the police, and it took longer than you liked for them to arrive. All the while, you dealt with knocking and pounding on your window and door. Back and forth, it alternated with minutes in between before stopping altogether when the sound of sirens could be heard. Unsurprisingly, and frustratingly, the police didn’t find anyone.

“Look, we’ll get this report down to the station,” the brunette had told you, not looking concerned in the least.

Frustration filled you, and you shuffled on your feet.

“Can’t you...idk, have someone stay here? Not even the whole night but just a few hours in case they come back?”

The tall man sighed, and you glanced at his badge. Officer Barnes, you noted.

“With all due respect mam, we can’t just have one of our officers sitting in your yard because someone knocked on your door-.”

“I told you-!”

“I know, I know. The windows too,” he said, sounding exasperated, and your frown deepened. “The best we can do is get this down to the station. You’re more than welcome to call us again should anyone come back.”

You crossed your arms over your chest as they left, finding no relief. You swallowed as you thought about Steve. You didn’t want to, but Harry had found you, tormenting you by knocking on your house in the dead of night. This was exactly the reason Steve had given you his number. Swallowing down your stubbornness, and with a deep breath, you called him.

He didn’t sound like he was asleep, and for that you were grateful. You would’ve kicked yourself if you had woken him up. Finally getting out why you’d called him was an awkward affair, stumbling over your words, and you felt even worse as he agreed to come over. There was no hesitation, and you couldn’t help but feel as if you were taking advantage of Steve’s generosity.

You mumbled out your address, surprised to realize how relieved you were. You couldn’t remember the last time you had trusted a man this much. Harry had made you so paranoid, but you supposed that was what therapy was for. This was why you had all those sessions with Steve. To learn to heal and to trust again.

You opened the door with a small smile when he finally pulled into your yard. He was dressed comfortably, and you felt much better about your own ratty t-shirt and leggings, but his casual attire made him no less striking.

“Thank you,” you breathed as he stepped inside.

“I was up going over paperwork when you called. I’m glad you did,” he told you.

You leaned against the door as you closed it, rubbing your arms.

“I didn’t know if I should. It’s just… He was here, Steve. Knocking on my door and window like something out of a horror movie, and the police treated it like it was nothing,” you complained.

Steve tilted his head at you with a sad smile.

“First thing in the morning, I’m going to make some more calls. Since he’s in town, it should be easy to have him put away. At the very least, a restraining order.”

Relief and hope filled you as you brushed past him.

“I really can’t thank you enough for coming over. I promise I won’t keep you long, just until I feel I can be ok being alone,” you said over your shoulder.

He followed you into the kitchen.

“Can I get you anything to drink? Eat? It’s the least I can do.”

“Some wine might be nice. You might want to pour yourself a glass too,” he suggested.

You chuckled, and he joined you, but you agreed with him nonetheless. You poured a glass for both of you, and you leaned against the counter with a sigh.

“I just don’t understand why he can’t leave me alone. Hasn’t he put me through enough?”

Steve hummed.

“From what you’ve told me, he strikes me as a narcissist. I’d bet that he doesn’t want you to move on,” he mused.

“Maybe,” you distractedly replied as you heard your phone ring. “I’ll be right back. Let me grab that super quick, it might be Nakia.”

Your phone was in your room, but by the time you reached it, it had stopped ringing. Sure enough, it was a missed call from your best friend, and you brought your phone with you to the kitchen, determined to call her back. Steve’s eyes were fond when you returned, and you shrugged.

“I need to call her back. I’ll only be a moment,” you said, swiping your glass.

“Take all the time you need.”

You made your way to the living room, taking your place on the couch as you called her back. She answered almost immediately.

“Hey, what’s up?”

She greeted you with a soft exhale.

“Uh… Harry’s...dead.”

You froze at her words, pulling the glass away from your lips. You blinked a few times, trying to come to terms with what she’d said.

“...what?”

“I just found out. I honestly didn’t know how you’d take the news, but I thought you should know.”

She was right. You yourself didn’t even know how you felt about this news. You had loved this man at one point...but he was also your abuser. This was good news...right?

“How?” you finally asked her.

She sighed.

“Apparently, he’d been missing for months-.”

“Months?”

“Yeah,” she quietly replied. “They found and identified his body today. I just saw it on the news.”

Your stomach twisted as the truth, and the meaning behind it, sank in. Just because Harry had been missing for months, it didn’t mean that he’d been dead for months. It very well could have been him harassing you like you believed. But...if they’d found and identified his body today, then there was no way it was him at your house tonight.

“Thank you,” you eventually said. “Um… I’m glad you told me.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” you honestly replied. “I’m just a little unsure of how I feel about all of this, but I’ll call you tomorrow when I’ve slept on it.”

“Alright. Be safe.”

You said your goodbyes and returned to the kitchen with an empty glass.

“Everything okay?” Steve questioned.

Your face must have been an open book.

“Harry’s dead,” you scoffed, blinking as you still fought to process this.

Steve didn’t respond, and just like one of your sessions, he seemed to be waiting for you to continue.

“Apparently he’d been missing for months and they just identified his body today. There’s no way it could have been him knocking on my door tonight, and now...now I’m even more scared than I was before,” you confessed. “God, I can’t even fully come to terms with my feelings on this because I’m realizing that Harry might not have been the only thing I should’ve been afraid of.”

“Hey,” Steve soothingly said, nearing you. “Are you sure it wasn’t someone who got lost? Maybe they had the wrong house?”

You thought about it before shaking your head.

“No, it definitely didn’t seem like that. Oh my God,” you cried, letting your head fall into your hands.

Steve pulled you into his arms, startling you, but you eventually relaxed, the wine settling into your system nicely.

“It’s going to be alright-.”

“What if it isn’t? Because I’m the idiot who thought that Harry was the only possible danger out there, I’ve attracted another without even realizing it.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothed. “Maybe it was nothing, and maybe it was more. Either way, I’m only a phone call away. Say the word, and I’ll have an officer living in your yard if need be.”

You chuckled at that, and nodded.

“Thank you,” you said, looking at him. “I-.”

You swallowed your words when his lips met yours, soft and demanding as they moved against your own. You were stunned, and it took you a moment to realize just what was happening before you pulled away. You stared at Steve with wide eyes, hesitantly reaching up to touch your lips as you took a step back.

“Steve…”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he breathed.

Your lips parted, a soft gasp escaping you at both his words and the fire in his gaze. It was so sudden and great that it froze you.

“Steve, I think… I think you should go,” you whispered, almost in disbelief.

He frowned at you, tilting his head just a tad as he folded his arms over his chest.

“Go? Why would I do that when you’re not feeling well?”

You opened your mouth to repeat yourself, even demand to know what he meant, but a sudden wave of nausea hit you, head feeling fuzzy. Steve caught you just as you stumbled, and you frowned, fighting to get out of his arms.

“What…?”

“You seemed really tense. I thought you could use something to take the edge off…”

You stared at him in disbelief, attempting to blink away the stars in your vision. Your legs felt like they were made of Jell-O as Steve guided you towards the living room. He deposited you on the couch, and you could hardly do anything as he laid you down, sitting beside you. His blue eyes, normally so soft and comforting, were dark with a longing you had never seen before.

“You were like a wounded little lamb when you first came to me,” he murmured, brushing his thumb over your lip. “So lost...broken… It’s because of me that you’re even halfway back together again.”

His hands moved to slowly undress you, taking his time, and your hands might as well had been air as you tried to stop him. You shuddered as the cool air in the house hit you, nipples pebbling, even more so when Steve brushed his fingers over them.

“I wanted to wrap you in my arms during that first session. Drag you back as you tried to leave, show you how a woman should be touched by a man.”

You were in a state of shock, disbelief coursing through you as you watched Steve undress. Even at his age, the man was a wall of muscle, thick bands making you swallow in fear as you hopelessly tried to tell yourself that this was a dream.

“Steve,” you whispered.

“I had to be patient. I didn’t want to scare you off, push you into the arms of another dangerous man. I had to help you heal before showing the kind of man I can be for you,” he told you, fingers on your face as he neared you again.

Your whole body felt weighed down, and you couldn’t stop your tears even if you wanted to. Your touch was light as you pressed your hands to his chest, feeling like you were going to be sick as he settled over you.

“Harry is gone. He can’t hurt you anymore, and I’m going to make sure no one ever hurts you again.”

The irony was not lost on you, but the way he said that struck something in you, and your mind traveled to the unthinkable. You didn’t get the chance to think about it some more before Steve was forcing himself inside of you. A choking noise escaped you as he filled you to the hilt, your legs spread wide to accommodate his frame. Steve released a shuddering breath, breathing through his nose, body trembling as he delighted in the feel of you wrapped around him.

It was amazing that while all of your senses felt dulled, you could feel his pulsing member inside of you so well. He surrounded you, bulky frame caging you in, and you felt like you would pass out from suffocation. Steve sighed just before his lips met yours, and your stomach clenched as he moved within you. A broken moan slipped out against your will, and Steve groaned at the sound.

“I’ll show you pleasure that you’ve never known, touch you in ways you never felt. I know how to make you happy,” he purred, his pace languid as he thrust in and out of you.

You turned your head away, the furniture of your living room blurring together from whatever he’d slipped into your drink.

“I know your deepest desires and your deepest fears. I know you better than anyone else out there…”

You hated that in a way, Steve was right. You’d bared yourself to him under the guise of trust and healing. He really did know all there was to know about you, and you hated yourself for it. You hated him for hiding his intentions so well, for taking advantage of your vulnerability and trauma. He tutted as you started to squirm beneath him.

“After all I’ve done for you...in all the ways I’ve helped you, the least you could do is give yourself to me. I deserve to reap the benefits of my efforts-.”

You gasped beneath him, legs kicking around him, but he only pressed himself more firmly against you.

“...I’ve gone out of my way to make sure you were safe, to protect you so that no more threats remained to you nor our relationship.”

“You’re crazy-.”

You cut yourself off with a yelp as he nipped at your neck, jerking in his hold as he continued to snap his hips into yours. His hands were gentle on you, a contrast to how he fucked you, his pace increasing with every passing minute. Despite the fact that you could hardly move, he wrapped his arms around you, holding you in place as the sound of your coupling filled the room, your core now wet and slick from his ministrations.

Steve seemed intoxicated, blissfully immersed in the feel of you and how you clung to him. His low groans and moans filled your ear, and you could do nothing as he covered your lips again, tongue tasting you, moaning at the taste of wine that still remained.

“My touch will never cause you harm, bringing you nothing but pleasure for the rest of our lives.”

tags: @xoxabs88xox @harryspet @readermia @opheliadawnwalker3 @nickyl316h @captainchrisstan @sebabestianstan101 @villanellevi @lokislastlove @notyourtypicalrose @coconutqueen21 @hurricanerin @hyoyeoniie @sherrybaby14 @cocoamoonmalfoy @mandiiblanche @gotnofucks @oneoftheprettynerds @doozywoozy @sapphirescrolls @threeminutesoflife @searchforanotherway @mcudarklibrary @buckybarnesplumwhore @widowsmaximoff @nerdygirl8203 @supernaturalwintersoldier @charmed-asylum @harrysthiccthighss @patzammit

#dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 4 years

Text

How We Break and How We Mend

Summary: Logan had only ever had one wish since he first fell in love: to not be in love anymore. Soon enough, he realizes there are better things to wish for. Content: Abusive ex, (talk of) the consequences of mental/emotional abuse, mention of a cut (consequence of physical abuse), dub-con kissing, general worry and concern, happy ending Pairing: Losleep

Since middle school, Logan had only ever had one wish: to stop being in love with Remy Crescent. At first, it had been because he was simply out of Logan’s league- he was popular, Logan was not. And then it had been because they were friends, because as much as Logan loved Remy he would never risk destroying anything that made him happy… and their friendship made Remy happy. Then it had been because Remy was in love with someone else, and damn did unrequited pining feel like shit.

But he wasn’t wishing for it now. No, right now he was wishing for something very different- the instantaneous removal of Remy’s (now ex-) boyfriend from existence.

They were sitting on Logan’s couch- Logan’s couch because Remy didn’t have a couch anymore, Logan’s couch because Remy didn’t have anywhere else to go anymore, Logan’s couch because Remy had finally- finally- left his ex. Sitting on Logan’s couch because it was as good a spot as any for Logan to patch up the cut on Remy’s cheek from where the son-of-a-bitch had hit him.

Logan hadn’t liked Remy’s boyfriend from the start. There had always been something wrong about him. But he had ended up putting it off- it was likely just him being envious, feeling as if he wasn’t good for Remy because Logan was the only one good for Remy. So he had put his personal feelings aside and focused on recognizing that Remy’s boyfriend wasn’t inherently bad just because he wasn’t Logan.

And that worked, at first, a few weeks going by during which Logan was only slightly uneasy by Remy’s boyfriend. He seemed to be a good person, a little quick to anger and in need of a better sense of humor, but overall fine. And Remy seemed happy with him, so Logan was happy.

But then Logan started to notice other things. How Remy acted restrained around him. How Remy started to act restrained even when he wasn’t around. How Remy would apologize for things he didn’t need to apologize for, how he would act around Logan as if he were treading on ice, how he’d flinch at loud noises and how his humor became much more self-deprecating than it ever had been before.

Quickly (and yet not nearly quickly enough), Logan realized what was happening. Remy was in an abusive relationship. Not physically abusive, no, but certainly mentally and emotionally.

Logan had tried to get him out of it, of course. But some things were easier said than done. By the time Logan knew what was going on, Remy was caught up in the lies and the abuse. Nothing Logan said could convince him how bad his boyfriend was for him. So Logan was left waiting, waiting for something to break, for the perfect chance to finally get Remy out.

But he never wanted it to happen like this.

“I’m an idiot.” Remy had been muttering that to himself for a minute, over and over as he dug his nails into his legs. “A complete moron. No wonder he went after me, I was the perfect mark, no fucking common sense whatsoever-”

“Don’t say that.” Logan reprimanded as softly as he could. Remy’s ex had already ordered him around enough, Logan didn’t want to be doing it either, but he couldn’t let Remy keep mumbling self-hate. Carefully, Logan patted down the edges of the bandage he had secured over Remy’s cut. “You aren’t stupid, Remy. He manipulated you. Anyone could have been his victim.”

“But it wasn’t anyone, was it?” Remy spat, flinching and drawing in on himself almost immediately after he spoke. “I- I’m sorry, Lo, I didn’t mean that.”

“I know you didn’t.” Logan assured him, putting the first aid kit aside before turning his full attention back to Remy. “You are distressed and have just come out of an abusive relationship. I’m not going to hold anything you say against you.”

Remy chuckled bitterly. “You should.”

“No, I shouldn’t.” Logan responded, taking one of Remy’s hands in his own. He squeezed it gently, hoping the pressure would be comforting and grounding. “You are emotionally unstable for perfectly valid reasons. Your words should not and will not be held against you, not by me.”

“...Thanks.” Remy said, letting out a small sigh and deflating a bit. He squeezed Logan’s hand back as well, which gave Logan some hope. “So… what now?”

“Now, you rest and recover.” Logan said. “Tonight, you will sleep, or at least attempt to. You can stay here as long as you need to, and I will do my best to help you identify and address- to the best of your ability- taught negative behaviours. In a week, I will call my uncle, who is a therapist, and get a session arranged for you.”

“A therapist?” Remy repeated, sounding skeptical. “That seems a little extreme for a break-up, don’t you think?”

Logan held Remy’s hand just the slightest bit tighter. “You have been in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for nearly nine months.” Logan stated, trying to keep his voice measured and not filled with fury. All his anger was directed at Remy’s ex, but that didn’t mean Remy would interpret it that way. “This is more than just a break-up, and it is logical that you seek professional help to properly work through the consequences of that relationship.”

“...Okay.” Remy said, voice resigned in a way Logan despised. “I trust you, Logan.” And Logan hated that too. The words sounded too forced, the line too rehearsed. Maybe Remy did trust him, but that wasn’t what his words meant. They were a defense against Logan lashing out if he didn’t agree. And even though Logan had expected it, he still hated that Remy’s ex didn’t need to be around to hurt him.

But those weren’t things he could address right then. Remy needed to rest, to let the final strains of fresh adrenaline and fear run out of his system.

“You should get some sleep.” Logan told him, beginning to stand up. “I’ll fetch you some blankets, and you can sleep on the couch-”

Remy’s grip on Logan’s hand tightened just the slightest as Logan tried to pull away. “Please don’t go.”

“It’ll just be for a moment.” Logan assured Remy, even as he once more took his seat in front of Remy. “I’ll be back, Remy, I promise.”

“I know, I just-” Remy shook his head, letting out a huff. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize.” Logan replied immediately. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Remy looked down, not speaking for a moment but not letting go of Logan either before speaking up again. “You’re so smart, Lo.”

“I- what?”

“I said you’re smart. Because you are, you really are.” Remy said, looking up again. “And helpful. Even to people who don’t deserve your help.”

“Remy, I don’t-”

“And pretty.” Remy continued, ignoring Logan as he leaned forwards, free hand coming to rest on Logan’s cheek. “You’re absolutely gorgeous, hun.”

And before Logan could say another word, Remy was kissing him.

For a millisecond, Logan froze. Some small part of his brain was cheering in victory- he was kissing Remy, after all, his dream since seventh grade. Wasn’t it something to be celebrated?

But Logan knew it wasn’t. He knew that this wasn’t love, that this wasn’t anything good, anything to be excited over. And for all he had thought about kissing Remy before, Remy’s happiness and well-being had always been his priority.

So just as soon as the kiss started, it was over, Logan pushing Remy off of him even as he held the other man’s shoulders and kept him from trying to kiss him again. “Remy, no.”

“Logan-”

“No, Remy. You can’t do this. I can’t let you do this.”

“I love you.” Remy said, and Logan hated that there were tears in the corner of his eyes, already threatening to spill. Logan wasn’t sure if Remy believed what he was saying, but he wanted to. He needed to.

“No, you don’t.” Logan replied, ignoring the pain in his metaphorical heart at the words. “You’ve been manipulated into believing you are lesser than other people and that, therefore, to be worth anything you must be worth something to someone else. Your ex tricked you into believing that someone else was him, and now that he’s gone you’re simply trying to fill the gap. Even if- even if you did love me, nothing we could have would be healthy.”

“But I trust you, Lo.” Remy pleaded, grabbing Logan’s other hand so that he could hold both of them, squeezing them. “I trust you not to hurt me.”

“And I would never.” Logan agreed. “But that doesn’t change the facts. You’re… you’re looking for someone to make you whole, Remy, and that’s not what love is, even if that’s what your ex tried to convince you it was. You need to heal, and trying to convince yourself that you’re in love with me won’t give you that.”

Remy broke then, letting out a single sob before he collapsed against Logan, crying into his shoulder and holding him close like he might disappear if Remy let go. Logan held back, rubbing circles into Remy’s back, focused on letting him cry before calming him back down. He needed it, after all.

And if a tear or two slipped down Logan’s face too, well, it wasn’t like any one was going to notice.

“Logan? Come on, babe, I know you’re home. Don’t leave a pretty man waiting!”

Logan sighed as he placed down his book, but the sound was only fond. For Remy, it would never be anything else. He stood up, walked to the door and opened it.

It had been almost two years since Remy had broken up with his abusive ex, and the difference was clear. Remy was smiling happily, sunglasses pushed up on the top of his head to reveal bright eyes with minimal bags beneath them. The leather jacket Logan had bought him to replace the one his ex had given away (without Remy’s permission) was slung over his shoulder, and everything about Remy’s pose figuratively screamed relaxed and carefree.

“Can I come in?” Remy asked, brushing by Logan even as he spoke. Logan could do little more than laugh at the action as he closed the door. Most people would have seen it as annoying. Logan saw it as another reminder than Remy had his confidence back and that he wasn’t afraid to show it.

“I suppose even if I say ‘no’ you’re not going to leave, are you?” Logan teased as he turned to face Remy.

“Nope! Because I’d know you were lying.” Remy said, turning from where he had been taking in Logan’s living room (a sight he had seen many a time before) to face Logan, grinning. “I’m always welcome here, remember?”

“I’d never forget.” Logan promised. “Though you don’t tend to swing by with no reason- looking for someone to annoy?”

Remy laughed at the joke, but the sound was hesitant, and Logan stiffened. Though Remy in general was alright with teasing jokes, Logan knew there were still times when he couldn’t take them- times when he couldn’t remember that Logan’s words weren’t serious.

Logan approached Remy, taking both of Remy’s hands into his own, lightly squeezing them. Over time, it had remained the most efficient way to ground Remy. “I’m sorry, Rem, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Hey, darling, don’t worry about it.” Remy responded, squeezing back and smiling softly at Logan. “You didn’t upset me, don’t worry. I just… I’m here to ask you something.”

“You know you can always ask me anything.” Logan reminded him.

“I know, but… doesn’t always make it easy, heh.” Remy said, letting out a small chuckle as he looked away. When he stayed that way for a moment, Logan gently tightened his hold on Remy’s hands, pulling his attention back to Logan.

“It’s okay.” Logan assured him, offering him a matching soft smile. “Whatever you need to ask me, it’s okay. I will not judge you in any way.”

Remy nodded at Logan’s words, taking a moment to take a breath and collect himself before he said, “Logan… will you date me?”

Of all the questions Logan had been expecting, that certainly hadn’t been one of them.

“We’d take it slow at first, of course.” Remy continued on, seemingly undaunted by Logan’s silence. “Not because I don’t trust you, but because I still don’t… fully trust myself. I don’t want either of us to get hurt, especially not you.”

“I… Remy, are you sure about this?” Logan asked, some small part of his brain screaming at him for being an idiot. Remy wanted to date him, for goodness’s sake, and all he had to do was say yes!

But for all that time had changed, Logan’s resolve to keep Remy safe and happy remained unchanged. He wasn’t going to let the past possibly ruin Remy’s future.

“I know why you’re worried. And I get it. That night I broke up with him… I was a wreck. I did things we both know I regret. I felt broken and I thought you were the only thing that could fix me, and I was hasty. And I can never apologize enough for that.”

“You don’t have to apologize for it at all.”

“Then I won’t. But my point remains.” Remy pushed on. “What I did that night,,, that was a mistake. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was being honest when I told you I loved you, Logan. The timing was horrible, but it was true. It’s always been true, ever since high school. And while you were right back then, when you said anything we had would be unhealthy, I think… I think if we try now, it could be something good.” Remy paused to smile almost ruefully at Logan. “And I think we deserve something good.”

Logan squeezed Remy’s hands. “You deserve everything good.”

Remy’s smile grew. “That’s why… that’s why I want to date you Logan. I think we’d be something good- better than good; I think we’d be great. But not if it’s going to hurt you.”

Logan frowned. “Hurt me?”

“Don’t say yes because you want me to be happy. Say yes because you want to, or say no.” Remy explained. “I will love you the same either way. But I had to ask. I don’t want to let one bad night define what we could be.” Remy paused to smirk. “Plus, my therapist says me ignoring my feelings is repression, and he’s got a big no-no policy on that.”

“Therapists do tend to frown down on that, yeah.” Logan agreed, laughing.

Remy laughed too before the two of them fell into silence- comfortable silence, as it always was between them. It never felt awkward, just… right.

“So… what do you say?” Remy asked again, voice gentle as he asked. “Like I said, no wrong answers- and if you need time to think about it, I can go-”

“I’d love to.” Logan cut him off, blushing a bit as he clarified, “Love to try, that is. Try… try us.”

“Really?” Remy asked, leaning in close to Logan’s face. “No lies? You really honestly want to date me?”

“I’ve wanted to date you since middle school.” Logan admitted shyly. “Trust me, Remy. This isn’t pity.”

Remy’s eyes lit up as his smile once more morphed into a grin. “Can I hug you?”

“Please do.”

Letting go of Logan’s hands, Remy’s arms wrapped around Logan, pulling him close up against Remy, his hold tight but not restraining. Logan wrapped his arms around Remy, hugging back. It was perfect.

For a moment, they stayed like that, happy to just be in each other’s company.

“I love us.’’ Remy said quietly, breaking the silence but not hurting the moment in the slightest.

“We’ve been ‘us’ for all of a minute.” Logan pointed out.

“Don’t care.” Remy responded, resting his chin on top of Logan’s head. “I love us.”

Logan let out a small chuckle as he leaned against Remy, fully accepting the embrace. “I love us too.”

And for once, Logan was happy his middle school wish had never been granted.

#losleep #ts logan #ts remy #ts sleep #sanders sides #ts sides #fanfic #fanfiction #the cryptid speaks #me: ah yes this is h/c losleep #also me: *leaves out what the hurt is* dnbcfjhdb #anyways- enjoy :3

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strwberrytae · 3 years

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So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.” - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic.

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man. Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

#me #personal #goodbye for now #no longer writing #bts writer

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msilwrites · 3 years

Text

(A 3AM Update) A True Gentleman, Chapter 19 - Taking back her life

A/N: Hi guys, Chapter 19 is up! Some lighthearted comedy here and there too. Not really much of a plot device, but we're approaching how to handle the reality of Diana's situation as she tries to take her life back. Tell me what you think in the comments below, and Enjoy reading!

NINETEEN

Taking back her life

Diana looked at the dating app on her phone and read the exchange of messages with her date. After the first time, in a long time, she was finally going out on a 'date'.

The guy who she had been chatting with seemed kind enough. In fact, she had chatted with him for a few weeks before even deciding to go out with him. She definitely does not want some asshole. Once bitten, twice shy. She has learned her lesson after all the years of being in an abusive relationship.

Again, sadly, she left the house through her bedroom window, not wanting to see Isaac. It had been weeks since they have seen each other. The only thing she heard was his voice and the sound of his footsteps around the house. In fact, he tried knocking on her bedroom door, only to be met with silence. She had been pretending to not be around for some time now, and the only time she talked to him was through phone messages, telling him that she had already paid the rent.

His attempts of communicating further were also met with silence on the other side of the line. If he was lucky, she would give him a late response as she was determined to cut herself from him emotionally.

**********

When Diana arrived at the place that she and her date agreed upon, she saw the open park theatre filled with orchestra musicians, packing their instruments. It appears that they had just finished their rehearsals.

She looked to her side, and there on one of the benches, seated, was a handsome man, reading through countless music sheets. She walks in his direction and clears her throat to get his attention.

"Maestro... I'm Diana Rutherford..."

**********

It was a funny reason why Diana had agreed on this date in the first place. First of all, it wasn't for something romantic. Her date is actually a music executive, composer and orchestra director who went to the dating app, only to find a replacement singer who can sing opera in alto-soprano for a small formal charity benefit to be held at the park. Second, she needed someone to talk to, and he and she happen to get along well. Nothing more.

Diana, with opera training, and whose voice happens to fall under alto-soprano, agreed, with a bit of hesitation, of course, thinking if this was legit or not. Furthermore, there was a promise of payment, which made her finally give in. Taking on a part-time job was not so bad after all, especially that she needed some extra funds.

"Uhhmmm, how do I address you?" was her first question. Of course, she knows his name. An epitome of tall, dark and handsome, he carried this air of quiet respect. So she wanted to be polite.

"By my name would be great" was his reply, accompanied with a disarming smile.

" Alright, Aedan... " she cleared her throat and sat up straight.

"Well, I'm just curious, what were you doing in the app with a fake profile? You don't look like you needed to do that" he states, seeing that she was nothing like the way she describes in her profile.

"I was looking for someone to date... no erase that, I was hoping for someone to talk to... the app was a convenient tool, especially, with the anonymity that the internet provided, but then I found you and that weird ad/ profile of yours." was her straight and honest answer.

He laughs at how honest she was. "Can't you afford a therapist? " he asked playfully.

" I can, but I can't afford to book a session with him every day... that will drain my funds" she reasons, and he chuckles at how direct yet funny she sounded.

"Don't you have friends?"

"Of course! I have friends! But..."

"But?"

"But I can't possibly worry them enough and stress them out. I can't be dependent on them for everything. There are also some things I can't discuss with them, you know? there are limits..."

"Like how you had been in love with their father for a long time?" he adds, remembering that she mentioned this to him before when they chatted in the app.

" Yep... see how that sounds like? 'Daddy Issues'. I mean I do admit, I have that. I will definitely get disowned by my friends if those issues come to light..." she sighs. "Oh, by the way, where are your other singers? and why did you have to find a singer using the dating app?" she adds.

He sighs, " One is currently busy with her children, a few of them preparing for their final papers, the others are currently overseas, travelling, no one is available on the date of the performance..."

"Oh... yes, that is a problem..." she nodded in agreement. " But why the app? It's unconventional..." she reasons.

He laughs " It's unconventional, but it was fast and it worked! I found you! You do realize that the app isn't only about dating!" he says, referring to the 'social' part where you find people or groups of like-minded people.

"Err... so do you plan to continue dating ?"

"No... I've deleted the app,"

"Ha? But why?"

"I didn't like some messages I've received from some..." he said, shaking his head and feeling the hair on the back of his head, stand. It creeped him out just remembering those inappropriate messages.

"Well... I can only imagine..." she said, understanding that he must've received some 'thirsty' messages that anyone will be uncomfortable reading, due to how attractive he is.

"Why did you click my profile?"

" Well... obviously, I swiped right because you're an attractive man... you look like a clean-cut version of 'Ross Poldark', other than that, I would have not talked to you, if not for what you've written in your bio."

" I like your honesty!" he declares and threw his head back laughing.

"Thank you..."

"Did you really have opera training?" he asked, still in doubt.

"Yes, I started during the sixth form, my grandmother sent me to lessons to build my confidence and voice...It even became my elective back in university... Then I joined choirs, sang oratorios... so on and so forth... I sang with the choir in church and there were times I sang part-time as a soloist in some events. I enjoyed those times, "

" What made you stop? Singing I mean?"

"I... I..." she paused for a moment, finding a clear way to explain what happened. " I got into a relationship... "

"Let me guess... he was either possessive or abusive?" he guessed, already knowing which was it.

"Both actually... he didn't like me being looked at when I sang... I guess he wanted the audience to close their eyes during a song..." she recalls, remembering the incident with her ex, Jesse.

Aedan laughed and nodded in agreement. Hearing such situations wasn't new to him. He had a few incidents before where a soloist came to a rehearsal with a black eye. Abusive people demand the victim's attention solely focused on them, and try to cut off the victim from the activities they love.

"I do hope you are no longer with that man... I don't want another soloist coming to a rehearsal unable to sing properly because she is injured... don't get me wrong, I may want the performance to be perfect, but I do care for people, and I do feel the pain when I see such situations..."

"Yes... don't worry, I've broken up with him a long time ago," she assured.

"Good!" he exclaims and after a while, remembers something and looks at his watch. "Rehearsals resume in an hours time. Let's have lunch, and we will test your voice later"

**********

"What made you want to sing again? If I may ask?" Aedan said, waiting for the orchestra to return to their seats.

"It's just... I want my life back, Aedan... I just want to go back to what I used to be" was her answer, and he understood.

"Alright..." Aedan taps his baton on the podium, signalling everyone that they were about to start rehearsal. He calls in another person, and another man enters the stage.

"Diana, this is Max, your duet, Max, this is Diana, your new partner!" Aedan introduces.

Diana looked at Max and her mouth hung agape in admiration. if Aedan is handsome, so is Max! Tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome, bearing a fleeting resemblance to Hugh Jackman. She smiled, and giggled to herself, thanking her lucky stars for being surrounded by handsome men today. This would definitely be a good step to move on.

"Diana," Max stretches his hand out for a handshake and she gives them a tight squeeze, whilst smiling like a schoolgirl at him.

"You can ogle at him later, all you want, if you pass the 'audition', Diana!" Aedan teased, earning him a grimace from her. He chuckled at her reaction but quickly asked her to stand straight and get ready for vocal warm-ups.

Aedan sits adjacent to the grand piano and plays the keys for the duet to warm up. After the vocal warm-ups, he goes back to his podium and the orchestra sat in position.

"We have a tradition in this group, every time there is a new singer... as a welcome, she is to sing-" Aedan waves his baton and the began to play the introductory part of the song 'Libiamo ne' lieti calici' which was followed by Max baritone voice, singing the first verse and turning to Diana with a smile.

youtube

"How appropriate," she smiled, knowing that it was quite a welcoming song and felt the excitement in her heart to sing once again. And when her turn came, she took a deep breath and without hesitation and care of the possibility of singing out of tune, she gave it her all.

When the song was about to close, the orchestra plays increases their tempo, so as the two duets and then together, they hit the high note with their voices, closing the brindisi.

Diana catches her breath, it was definitely a struggle for her to hit the note, how long has it been since she sang? Years. However, she was met by applause by the orchestra musicians, her duet partner, and the director, Aedan, which came to her as a surprise, because she knew she didn't hit every note right.

"Welcome to the group, Diana!" Max smiles, giving her a squeeze in her hand.

"Thank you, Max!" was her response.

"Welcome to the group, Diana! you've missed a note here and there, but I believe that can be improved with practice" Aedan says, as he approaches. The way he said 'practice' already scares her.

**********

"Oh, my, my, Diana! you are glowing, recently!" Mrs Chambers greets Diana as she goes back to her reception area after lunch.

"Thank you! But what do you mean glowing?" she asked, a little bemused.

" You lively! Happier?! no longer gloomy liked you used to be, no offence" was Mrs Chambers direct answer.

"None taken..." she smiles, knowing that Mrs Chambers has a point. She looked like a pale, gloomy flower.

"Is this a new skincare? beauty routine? activity, a new man?"

Diana laughed at the last part of what Mrs Chambers said. "No, unfortunately, not a man... It's probably because of having clarity of the mind now," she said, knowing that Mrs Chambers was also aware of the past depressing incidents that she had gone through.

"I am glad for that!" Mrs Chambers smiles at her.

Earning the clarity of the mind was one of the things Diana was grateful for. Especially now that she was trying to take her life back.

She looks at her schedule on her phone. On Thursday evenings, she takes JUDO classes, and on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon were rehearsals and additional training with Aedan. He wasn't kidding when she told her how strict he is. Heck, he knows when one didn't practice the song. There was a wee bit of regret in her for agreeing to take JUDO classes and joining the orchestra as one of their singers, especially now that she had to follow strict discipline. But gratefulness, enjoyment, and the contentment it gave her overweighs the regret.

**********

Diana enters the restaurant and looks around for Aedan. He told her that they would meet at this restaurant which was, near her office, before they head for practice.

She smiles and waves at him, upon seeing him seated at a table near the window. He smiles back and waves at her to come over.

"Hello, Aedan"

"Good Afternoon, Diana! I sure do hope you practised the song."

"Ahehehe... I did!..."

He narrows his eyes on her.

"I swear I did!, though it was a struggle, I made sure I did, every day! In full voice!" she says in her defence.

Aedan laughs. "Don't worry, I understand, you don't want your 'crush' to hear you singing! By the way, do you still leave the house using your bedroom window?"

She looks at him sheepishly and that look she gave was enough to answer his question.

He throws his head back laughing. "Oh, Diana! How are you going to leave the house on the day of the performance? Do you want me to rescue you from the tower and fight the dragon?" he teased.

"What the heck! Aedan! Dr. Skovgaard isn't a dragon!"

"I never said that!" he says, hand up in surrender, still laughing.

"Diana?!" a familiar voice calls her name, she looks around to find Allegra seated at the nearby table.

"Allegra!" she greets, a little nervous, as if she was a little girl caught in a misdeed.

"You're here! I haven't seen you in a long time! Look how glowing you are!" Allegra says, echoing the same thing Mrs Chambers had said and gives her friend a tight embrace. "You wouldn't join us for dinner, what have you been up to?!" was her next question.

"Ahehehe..."

However, before Diana could think of an answer, Allegra turns her attention to Aedan. She looked at him suspiciously which made Diana nervous.

"And may I know who is this? care to introduce me to your new friend?"

"This is Aedan, Aedan, this is Allegra, my best friend..." she introduces, and Allegra immediately takes the seat beside Diana, still looking at the man suspiciously.

Aedan beams at her and stretches out his hands, offering Allegra a handshake, which she took.

"Hi, I'm Aedan McInnes... Diana's date" he says, followed by his disarming smile. Knowing that Diana didn't want to tell anyone of her current activities.

"What?!" Allegra's eyes widened in shock. "Since when? You've never told us anything, Diana!" she says, turning to Diana.

"Oh! it's just recent! I didn't want to tell anyone because everything happened just recently! Plus, I didn't want to worry you, also... Aedan's a great guy!" she reasons and gives the grinning man a quick glare.

"I see... well... Of course, I'd be worried about you, and Aedan, what do you do?" was the beginning of Allegra's interrogation.

" I am a music producer," was his reply, which is part of the truth.

Diana sighs, as the interrogation continued.

**********

"Out of many things you could think of! Aedan! you told Allegra, that you're my date..." was the first thing that came out of Diana during the rehearsal break. They were almost late for rehearsal because of it. "We barely made it out of there!"

However, the only reply Aedan gave was a hearty laugh. "Tell me, Diana, what are you exactly worried about? By right, we are not doing anything wrong,"

She paused for a moment and thought about it. What was she worried about " I... I don't know... Dr Skovgaard finding out?" the reason just carelessly slipped out of her lips.

"Aha!" Aedan exclaimed, causing Diana to jolt in surprise.

"What?"

" You're worried about your crush finding out!" he declares.

" Wait...what? I said that?! I-"

"Diana, look, you should not worry, in fact, you should be glad! If your Dr Skovgaard reacts, then it means he cares for you!"

"Of course, that man cares for me! I told you he sees me as his daughter! "

"Uh, uh , uh, that will depend on how he reacts!" he adds, making her a little hopeful. However, she knew that it was impossible.

**********

It was a Sunday when Allegra met her father for brunch. She excitedly jogs upon the small staircase that led to the front door of the restaurant. She had been wanting to tell her dad what she had recently found out.

"Woah... Allegra, what is all this excitement about?" was the first thing Isaac said to his daughter, the moment she arrived at their table, looking a little too excited. He chuckles and calls for the waiter, thinking that it was some sort of good news.

"Guess what I've found out yesterday dad!" her tone and expression turning into 'worry'.

"What is it?"

" Ross Poldark! he's dating her!!" Allegra declares. Describing how Aedan, her friend's date yesterday, has a fleeting resemblance to the character.

"Wait... what? " was his reply, unable to comprehend what his daughter was saying.

" Diana is dating again!!" she declares, clearer this time.

Isaac's expression changes from 'worry' to something darker. Which his daughter didn't notice as she continued telling what she found out.

A/N: I probably made some grammatical errors here and there, so I'd do some soft editing from time to time. Why do you think Isaac's expression darkened? tell me what you think in the comments below.

Also;

Brindisi - is a drinking song.

A number of Opera Singers / Choral Singers / Soloist / Orchestra Musicians have day jobs.

My face claims were; Aidan Turner and Hugh Jackman for Aedan and Max (Because Hugh can sing). I also want to assure you, they're not rivals of Isaac, but plot vouchers for the next chapters. These characters are there to give clarity and support to Diana.

#A True Gentleman #Mads Mikkelsen #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fic #Mads Mikkelsen FanFic #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fiction #Mads Mikkelsen FanFiction #Mads Mikkelsen x OFC #OFC #Doctor! Mads #MissIronLady #MSILWRITES #MissIronLadyIW

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holylulusworld · 4 years

Text

Devil’s Bargain - Part 9 - Broken Dreams

Summary: Getting the job as Jared Padalecki’s assistant was a dream coming true until you woke up in a living nightmare. He’s angry, selfish and possessive. The worst of all - his anger is focused on you. Quitting your job was your only way out - only it wasn’t the end of your nightmare...

Pairing: Jared Padalecki x Reader, OFC’s Mark, Brad & Caleb (reader’s brothers), Jensen Ackles, Danneel Ackles

Warnings: angst, language, OOC Jared, Jared is a douche and worse, tension, unrequited feelings, heartbreak, betrayal, smut, unprotected sex, dom!Jared, degrading, injured reader, blood, violence, mentions of miscarriage/sexual assault/physical abuse (not Jared and nothing graphic)

PLEASE BE AWARE THIS IS A FANFIC. For the sake of the fic he’s single and an asshole. I still love him, but this fic came to my mind months ago...

Devil’s Bargain Masterlist

“I’m telling you Y/N is a nice person, okay. If you won’t stop treating her the way you do I’ll make sure she will sue you.” Jensen paces around Jared’s living room, watching his friend smirk.

“Calm down, Jay. Y/N and I talked about a few things. You can ask her. For over three weeks I behave. I’m not Mr. Sunshine but I admitted my behavior was inappropriate, Jensen. My ex, she messed with my feelings and head.”

Jared is not giving away he found out you are a therapist who works ‘undercover’ to help people.

“Good, I hope you will keep your word. I know Nicole was a bitch first grade, and I understand you had a hard time to get over what happened.” Jensen looks hopefully up at his best friend. “I promise Y/N is not like her. If I may recite my wife ‘she’s into you for sure’.”

“Jay…” Jared needs to hide a dark grin as Jensen presents you on a silver plate.

“Jared, I swear she would never hurt you. All Y/N ever wanted was to help you. Maybe I should tell you something important.” Close to blow your cover Jensen bites his lower lip. “Jare, Y/N is…”

“Good morning.” Beaming you wave at Jensen, followed by a curt nod at your boss. “Can I offer you a coffee Jensen?” Your friend eyes you warily, hoping Jared didn’t lie.

“No, thanks. I just came around to check on Jared and ask how he’s doing. How about you come to the party Danny and I are planning for hiatus?” Not knowing if you are allowed to go to the party you silently ask Jared for permission and his cock twitches in interest at your submissive behavior.

“I guess my assistant will come with me, Jensen. Now let’s talk about the script while Y/N can have breakfast.”

Jared gives you a warm smile and you return it, still not trusting the armistice between you and your boss. He seems to regret his behavior but the smart little voice in your head tells you to not trust him, while the dirty smirking girl dances around you.

“I prepared everything for the interviews today, Mr. Padalecki. I think you should check the questions and tell me if you want me to make sure they only ask you stuff you want to answer.”

While you show Jared the list he places one hand at your back, gently moving it up and down as he enjoys that goosebumps erupt all over your skin.

“I don’t want them to ask me about my past relationships.” Jared mumbles and you point at three crossed out lines.

“I already made sure they won’t ask that kind of question. I wouldn’t want to talk about my ex either…” Falling silent you give Jensen a cracked smile as he looks away, guilt-ridden.

“Why?” Jared leans closer, almost sensing your pain. “Did he do something wrong?”

“Let’s say he was not…” Blinking a few times you shake your head, swallowing the pain once again.

Sometimes you believe you should be one of your clients. While being an expert to let other people talk about their problems you avoid telling anyone what your ex did…

“I’d like to know.” Jared insists and you scoff, not giving away anything.

“I don’t think you want to hear a sob story, Mr. Padalecki. Let’s keep the private stuff private. If you want to cross out more questions, do so.” Running upstairs, you wipe away a few tears.

“What was that?”

Jensen plays his role well, not giving away he’s one of the few people knowing what happened back then. “Got, not clue, Jared. Maybe a bad break-up or something.”

“Bad break-up huh…?” Jared’s features soften for a moment but then he remembers you betrayed him, so he shakes his compassion off, planning his next step.

----

The interviews went well and you smile as Jared offers to have lunch with you. He even pulls your chair and tells you about his favorite food. Only listening to his explanations you realize Jared can be a charming man.

“I need to thank you for making sure they will not ask me about Nicole our relationship.” Jared is unusually open and you nod, just letting him talk.

“That’s what an assistant is there for.” You lie, not giving away anything. “Sir…”

“Well, that last guy asked me if I have a new relationship or if I like someone.” Nodding you sip at your water. “I told him there is this special girl.” Your heart drops and you poke your food with the fork.

“I’m happy you found someone you like, Sir.” Voice a bit too bitter you try to remind yourself Jared is a client, and that you need to be professional around him.

“Same. I mean…” Smiling Jared takes your hand in his. “You are the most important girl in my life right now. I should’ve told you way sooner I was that grumpy as I like you…”

Your eyes round and your heart beats a mile in a minute, still, you try to tame your emotions.

“Sir, we shouldn’t…I need to…” Jumping up you run toward the restrooms, earning yourself a dark grin from Jared.

One step closer to his goal…

----

Weeks passed and slowly the little alerted voice became silent. Jared seems to put effort into redemption, even offered you to stay at his house till hiatus. Maybe it’s time for the final step, an intervention with his friends and family.

A week ago, you called his parents and told Jensen and Danneel about your idea. Jensen was happy to hear Jared is doing well, so here you are trying to find a way to tell Jared you are a therapist.

“Mr. Padalecki…” Shuffling on your feet you decide to risk it all and talk to Jared. “I think we need to talk about something.” Jared is already in his suit pants and a white dress shirt to attend Jensen’s party.

“Can we not forget about work and stuff till after Jensen’s party, Y/N?”

Jared steps closer, moving his hands up and down your arms. You are shivering at his touch and he smirks, knowing you are close to giving in.

“Jar…I mean Mr. Padalecki, there is something you should know. I think it’s time to admit that I am…” His lips silence you and you gasp as his tongue snakes into your mouth.

“We will wait till after the party, Y/N. After you can tell me anything you want to…” Jared orders and you nod, still dumbfounded by the soft kiss and the way his hand claims yours.

“Oh—okay, Sir…” Following Jared out of his house you smile as he opens the door for you, even helps you get in, holding your hand once more. “Thanks…”

----

While Danneel watches Jared eying you up and down she tries to warn her husband once more. There is something on Jared’s features she doesn’t like tonight.

“Jensen, I’m telling you something is off with Jared. Yes, he is nicer, even offered Y/N a drink but his eyes…” Pointing toward you talking to Misha Danneel shakes her head. “Y/N is in too deep to see it, Jensen but I got a bad feeling.”

“You sure?” Jensen is not convinced. He only sees Jared walk toward you, a smile on his lips as he holds out his hand to dance with you. “Maybe he likes her, Danny. Y/N is the best and you know it…”

“Not if feelings are involved, Jensen. You know what happened with Scott…” Hating to bring your ex up Danny shakes her head. “Y/N is the smartest person I ever met, but she was too blinded by her feeling to see through Scott’s lies.”

“Do you believe Jared would pull such a stunt too? Would even hurt Y/N?” Jensen downs his drink in one go as he watches Jared’s hands press you close to his body. Eyes wide he sees his best friend kiss you and the pit in his stomach grows.

“Jensen, we should…” Nodding Jensen wants to stop your dance, but the music ends and you excuse yourself to get fresh air.

While Jensen tries to make his way through the people Jared can see the look his friend gives him and turns to leave the house too, knowing this is the last chance to strike…

Outside you try to tame your heart and libido. Your mind is screaming, as your smart little voice tries to tell you something is off with Jared. If only you wouldn’t have fallen for your client…

“Y/N, I think we should go. I need to reread the script and all…” Jared strips his jacket off, wrapping it around your shoulders. “Let’s go home…”

“Oh—sure. Shouldn’t we say goodbye, Sir?” Shaking his head Jared pecks your lips. “I said goodnight and greeted Jensen and the others from you. Let’s go home…”

----

You didn’t make it far into the house before your dress was on the floor and Jared’s hands all over your trembling body.

“Want you…”

“Jared…” Crying out you feel his rough hand cup your mound. “I need…god…please…tell you something. I can’t have sex with you without telling you I am…” His lips silence you once more and you fall into his trap.

Your hands tangle in his hair as Jared picks you up to carry you into his bedroom. You end on the bed, not caring you break your adamant rule to not fall for a client.

Jared enjoys the way your chest heaves up and down and your glassy eyes while he strips his clothes off. Without thinking twice, you drop your underwear to the floor, letting Jared have a look at your naked form.

“I must admit…that’s quite a sight.” Smirking Jared crawls up the body to settles between your legs. With skilled fingers he works your heated flesh, loving the way you grind against his digits.

“Jared, we shouldn’t…I have to tell you…oh…fuck me…” Jared is pushing the tip in, smirking as your eyes round with every inch he slides into you. Two rough hands grip your waist, digging his fingertips into your flesh he snaps his forward to bottom out.

“Just be my good girl, kitten and call me Sir when you cum…” You want to touch Jared, but he flinches away, thrusting hard to make sure you will not try again.

“No touching…” The dark grin on his face is back and you feel unease as he starts thrusting into you.

“Jared…”

“Sir…” He corrects, sliding out of you to flip you onto your stomach.

Disappointed you cry out as he slides back into you. His hand fists your hair as he starts to move his hips at a maddening pace. “Take it, slut. I want you to feel me and know that I won…”

His words don’t make sense but your brain is busy to tell you the knot in your belly is about to burst.

You never felt that full and you must admit Jared knows what he’s doing. Every thrust makes you cry out. His hand digs deep into your flesh, making sure you can feel him for days.

The whole time you want to say something, tell him who you are but he presses your head into the cushions, calling you his, and kitten to make sure you know he’s in control.

“I will show you…fuck…” Cursing Jared snaps his hips against your ass, using your body as he did with his ex that night and just now you recognize the pattern.

Your lips want to move, you want to say something but the knot bursts open and all you can do is cry out his name and three words making Jared’s blood run cold.

“I love you…” Blurring out the words you fall onto the bed, Jared’s cum dripping out of you. He’s frozen to the spot but then he shakes it all off, laughing before he slaps your ass.

“Nice fuck, slut. I think you should consider this as your severance pay.” Now you roll over, searching Jared’s face and the cold man is back, your eyes water as he keeps on talking. “You fell for my trap that easily.”

“I…I don’t understand…” You want to say more but Jared laughs about you. “I played you, Y/N. I know who you are, okay. Therapist my ass. Do you fuck all of your clients, whore?” Your face falls and the light in your eyes is gone.

Jared’s breath hitches in his throat as the look on your face shows something between disbelief, hurting, and betrayal. You look away, grabbing the blanket to cover your modesty.

“I want you to leave and never come back. Your apartment is gone too. You better get your stuff as I bought it…” Jared’s voice is not as self-confident as before.

The look in your eyes doesn’t let him go, just like the tremble of your body or the sobs leaving your lips.

“Everyone was right … you’re a monster…” Faster than ever before you get dressed to run out of the room.

While Jared stands in his empty bedroom, regretting he hurt you, hating himself you grab your things, tossing all you own in your bags.

After what feels like ages he finally finds the strength to walk out of the room only to find the guest room empty.

Jared can only watch you enter your old car to speed off, to leave his life like everyone else before…

----

Two hours later Jared’s phone rings and a cold shiver runs down his spine before he drops everything and runs toward his car.

----

“I don’t want your excuses, asshole! I want to know why my sister had an accident while working for you!”

Jensen steps back as one of your brothers is ready to beat him into a pulp. “She was not ready to work again…” Mark yells and Danny needs to step between her husband and your brother.

“Mark, we are so sorry. This was an accident…her car and…” Danny stammers as Mark shakes his head.

“No, Danny! She called me, okay. My sister was crying, and…” Sniffling Mark looks at his brothers, not able to keep on talking.

“She called Mark, confused, crying uncontrollably and she told us your best friend just used her only to fire her. Your nice friend lured her into his bed, used my sister and told her she’s a whore. I know Y/N told him she loves Jared and he laughed at her…” Caleb needs to compose himself as tears run down his face.

“After all she’s been through with Scott she fell in love only to get hurt again…” Brad whispers, glancing at Jensen who starts to shake, not knowing what to say he slumps onto a chair.

“I never thought he would do such a thing…” Voice broken Jensen looks at his wife, silently asking her if it’s his fault.

“Did she do it on purpose?” Danny blurs out and Mark, he tries to speak but fails.

“No, Danny.” Caleb chokes out. “She was talking to us and then she asked if she can come home and then we heard a scream and the other car ram her side…”

----

“Y/N, Y/L/N? I got a call, I’m her…” Swallowing hard Jared looks around the hospital. “Boss…no…boyfriend…I…” Panting Jared finally sees Jensen and runs toward his friend, roses in his hands. “Where is she? I got a call…Jensen?”

Jared’s face feels pain a second later as Mark’s fist collides with his left eye. Another punch hits him, this time it’s Caleb breaking one rib before Brad takes matters in his hands and lands another punch to Jared’s jaw.

“I’ll kill you! If my sister dies you are dead, asshole! I know what you did to her! You piece of shit.” Brad needs to hold Mark back, knowing your eldest brother always was closer to you than anyone else.

“After all she’s been through thanks to Scott you come around and destroy all she rebuilt!”

“Get out of here!” Caleb finally finds his voice. “You are not wanted here. Leave and never dare to say her name. You got hurt…boohoo, asshole. My sister got almost beaten to death, lost her baby and got raped by the man she loved…still she tried to help you piece of shit…”

Jared pants heavily, not due to the physical pain, but the realization you had an even shittier past than he had. “I didn't know…” He chokes out but Mark is unimpressed.

“If you want to keep on breathing, leave the hospital and never come back…” Jensen jumps up, not to stop your brothers but to shove his friend away.

“Go, Jared.” Glancing at Jensen and Danny, Jared swallows hard.

“I never wanted to hurt her. I found out about her identity and…”

“We don’t care about your lousy explanations, you piece of shit! Y/N tried to help you and fell in love. You could’ve fired her, not use her to make sure the trauma of being used and treated like she’s worthless comes crashing down on her once again.”

Mark has murder in his eyes as the doctor finally comes to tell your brothers about your condition.

“She’s stable, for now. She has several broken ribs, a broken arm, and a concussion. We are waiting for her to wake up, but so far she didn’t…” The doctor explains. “We run a few tests but you can visit her in half an hour.”

“Thank you, doctor…” Caleb shakes the doctor’s hand, waiting for him to leave before he tries to stop his brother but Mark is ready to kill Jared.

“I’ll count to three and then I’m going to rip you into pieces…” Mark’s eyes darken but Jared won’t budge.

“I will catch hell if I have to but I can’t leave her now…”

SPN Forever Tags

@donnaintx, @screechingartisancashbailiff, @fallen-wolf22, @sister-winchesters99, @mogaruke, @the-is13, @helloitsmeamie203, @strayrosesbloom, @thewinchesterco, @hobby27, @kittycatlover18, @gh0stgurl, @marvelfansworld , @sandlee44, @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt, @katpatrova17, @notyourtypicalrose , @heyitscam99, @flamencodiva, @echoesofpassion, @cocklesbelli, @voltage-my2dlove, @fandom-princess-forevermore @thenamelesschibi, @lauravic, @fandomsrourlives, @wittysunflower, @drakelover78, @lemondropirwin, @lonewolf471, @wronglanemendes, @spnhollis, @void-imaginations, @jay-and-dean, @shatteredabby, @juniorhuntersam, @helpmeluci, @neii3n, @goodgodimaweirdperson, @alltimesamantha, @chonisberonica, @supernaturalonice, @stuckys-whore, @shadowkat-83, @officialmarvelwhore, @wecantgiggleitsafandom, @meganywinchester, @shikshinkwon, @miraclesoflove, @yolobloggers, @lu-sullivan, @maniacproffesor, @hollymac79, @straycuties9, @kayla-2000, @ilovefanfic86, @gracefultrenchcoat494, @babygirls-fav, @spnwoman, @amiquette, @linki-locks11, @geekofmanyforms, @eggingamazinglove, @jessica-marsh09, @spnficgirl, @shut-themoonscone, @thequeenreaders, @countrygal17a, @kteelou, @soryuwifeyxx, @kricketc28, @atomicfandombomb, @defenderrosetyler, @shortwinchester, @maybesomedaygayyyy, @tmiships4life, @deanmonandnegansbitch, @exo-nova, @laxe-from-outer-space, @sabascio, @that-place-called-middle-earth, @the-broken-angel-13, @bunnybaby89, @pandabiiissh, @maddiedott, @fandom-imagines1, @lilulo-12, @theoneandonlymelol, @mblaqgi, @sea040561, @clawsandshotguns, @justsomedreaming , @differentstudentrunawaysposts, @hhiggs, @deepmuffinspymaker, @certaindeanwinchesterforcastiel, @cassiopeia-barrow, @mep6811, @jo-like-josette, @supernaturalenchanted, @mscarter213, @trumpettay, @waywardbaby, @its-the-timey-wimey-winchesters, @zxph-yr, @i-love-superhero

Sam/Jared Forever Tags

@moosekateer13, @thevelvetseries

Devils Bargain

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sapphicmsmarvel · 4 years

Text

Feysand: Punching Bags

Modern Feysand AU

Feyre breaks up with her abusive boyfriend and goes to a boxing gym to work out aggression. She meets the trainer Cassian who then realizes, hey, you’d like my brother.

Also: “Hey kiss me, my ex is here.”

All of the bat boys are actual brothers and Mor is all their cousins.

No azriel and mor love story for that reason.

and can we talk about how i got this idea from talking to my therapist

Stupid dick.

Those were my only thoughts as I got out of my car to go into the boxing studio.

Work out your aggression, Alis, my therapist, said to me. You went through an abusive relationship, Feyre. It’ll help get that resentment out.

I sighed again, pulling on the door handle, I could practically smell the sweat. The place was called Blood Rite. Nesta and Elain grimaced at the name after I told them where I was going. There was another thing that caused aggression; judgement from my sisters.

There were two black haired tan men at the counter, one had shaggy hair that didn’t go past his ears. The other had long hair that was pulled into a bun. I walked up to the counter, the bun-man greeted me, “hi, welcome to Blood Rite, how can I help you?” “Hi, I spoke with someone on the phone that said I could just….come in and punch?”

He smiled, Jesus he was pretty. “Yeah, just a 50 dollar fee and you can punch till your heart's content.”

“Thank you,” I paid, I was about to go to the locker rooms when he called out.

“Miss? We always ask names here, I’m Cassian, this is Azriel.” The shaggy haired one smiled and waved.

“I’m Feyre.”

“Nice to meet you, Feyre.” I smiled in response. and went to the locker room with my bag. I wasn’t used to smiling at males again, Tamlin didn’t like it and I didn’t want to get hit. I sighed in frustration, I know I couldn’t have left in that situation. But it was still frustrating. I threw my bag into a locker, slid my phone into my leggings pocket and plugged in the headphones.

I wrapped my hands and began punching, I punched before Tamlin, it was one of those things he “didn’t like me doing”. At first, I didn’t notice the controlling aspects. He blamed it on his ex, Ianthe or whatever.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

I didn’t wear the right clothes, I ate too much, I didn’t eat the right foods, I didn’t smile enough, I was too nice, too flirty.

Why was I not good enough for that piece of shit? What did I do? What did I do to make him so fucking angry that he hit every goddamn day of our relationship?

Every cell of my body was on fire with different emotions, my hands felt numb, it wasn’t because of how much I punched, it was because of the anxiety coursing through my veins. My legs were itching to have kicked him in the balls, at least once.

I could still feel his hands on me, how he’d grab my shoulders and yank me back to him if I walked away. How every time he was behind me, every hair on my body stood up.

Someone touched my shoulder.

Without thinking I spun around and punched them in the face. Then I saw the tan skin and long black hair, Cassian fell to the ground groaning. I ripped my earbuds out of my ears, “oh my god, I’m so sorry!” He groaned, “fucking hell, you throw a punch.” “I’m sorry,” I winced, I offered up a hand to help him up, he grabbed my hand. “Oh thank god it’s not bleeding,” I said.

“It’s alright.” He said, “but damn you throw a good punch.”

I winced again, he continued, “but I was telling you, we’re closing.”

My cheeks went crimson, “aw shit, what a way to end your night.”

He shrugged and smiled, “no problem, but I can tell you’re going through some shit, there’s a great place down the road, you seem like you need a friend.”

This dude would totally be a serial killer. “Sure,” I said, “What’s the name, I could meet you there?” Eh, what else did I have to lose? I was living in my sister's basement.

“Great, there’s this place called Rita’s down the road, I’ll be there in ten, I have to close down the computers and turn on the whole security protocol.”

I nodded, “okay, see you there.” I ran off to go get my bag, I went to my car and hoped to god that I didn’t get killed tonight.

------------------------------------

Rita’s was a bar. I quickly looked up their menu on my phone, Cassian said he’d be here in ten because all he had to do was close down the computers because Azriel took care of the money.

Ugh, they had truffle fries, what a blessing.

I saw him walk up to the doors and wait, I looked at the clock, he was right on time. I swallowed down the bundle of nerves, what if Tamlin showed? My stomach fell to my ass.

I swallowed my fear and met him at the door, he offered me his arm, and I took it, smiling. We went and sat at a table, a waitress came, we ordered.

He sighed and looked at me kindly. “So, you want me to ask the hard question or the easy ones?”

“Give me an example of both.”

“Easy: what’s your favorite color?” not red, “Hard: what made you so angry that you punched me that hard?” He asked, concerned.

My stomach sank, “blue.” I answered the first one.

He nodded, “Mines red, favorite food?”

“Truffle fries.” I said, “Chicken wings. This place has the best truffle fries.” He said wistfully.

“Yeah, I saw their menu online, definitely going to enjoy those. So do you own the gym?”

“I run it with my brothers, Azriel and Rhysand.”

“Ah.” I said, awkwardly closing the conversation.

It was awkward now, making friends was never my strong suit, it was Elains.

“You should really talk about what’s bothering you.” He said gently, I nodded, “no judgement?”

“Nope. But you’re so much like my brother, not talking about shit, afraid of being a burden.”

I huffed a laugh, “wow, you really attacked me with that one.”

“Hey, I know shit. So tell me.”

So I did, I spilled my guts to a complete stranger, I told him everything. From Tamlin and I meeting, first date, first signs of abuse. Everything. He held my hand.

I made a friend.

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A few more months went by, Cassian and I had a routine of me going to the studio every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night. Cas staying an hour after hours for us to talk, work out, whatever and then getting food after.

But tonight was different. Cassian invited me out with his friends, who apparently have been dying to meet me after accidentally giving him a black eye. Azriel and him talked me up, I have never met Rhysand, he only came in on weekends and weekends were the days I dedicated to myself.

But I’ve heard the other regular girls gush about him.

I wore skin tight black jeans, black shirt with no sleeves that was skin tight and had a cut out by my breasts. If I lifted my arms, the shirt exposed my midriff. Tamlin had forbidden this shirt, so I felt it was needed to break it out again. My muscles from working out and punching shit showed off quite nicely and I had heeled black boots.

I shoved my phone in my pocket, grabbed my leather jacket and headed out. I thought I had managed to avoid my sisters’ gazes but nope, Nesta is like a hawk.

“Where the hell are you going looking like that?”

“Out.” I said as I grabbed my keys.

“Feyre.”

“Nesta.” I said, warning in my voice as I turned around to face her. I wouldn’t be backing down, I will never back down again.

Elain turned the corner, her eyes widening at my outfit, “where are you going?”

“She says she’s going ‘out’.” Nesta said.

Elain hummed, “well, have fun Fey.” She smiled, a genuine, real smile, grabbed her hot chocolate and left the room.

I looked at Nesta with a ‘ha’ expression and opened the door to the garage, but not before I heard her go, “be safe.” I sighed as the door shut, if I went back in, it’d kill Nesta’s pride, me knowing that she cares. I brushed it off, I was going to have fun tonight with friends. Well, friends of a friend.

Good enough for me.

------------------------------

Rita’s was packed, I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel in anxiety, okay I got this.

I pulled out my phone to text Cassian, I’m here.

Three dots popped up, fuck yeah, i’m on my way to the parking lot.

I smiled and got out, it was warm for March but the sun was gone so it was chilly again. Clutching my jacket closer to my body, I walked to the doors.

I ignored the creeps outside, Cassian came out and greeted me with a hug, “heya Feyre.” He waggled his eyebrows at the rhyme.

I rolled my eyes, “that was awful.”

“Get used to it, the group is ready with stories and puns for you.”

“Is it too late for me to leave?” I joked as he pulled me into the building.

“Yup, you’re stuck with me and now them.”

My heart warmed at being accepted so quickly, Lucien didn’t accept me quickly. My heart then cooled at the thought of him. I missed him.

“What’re you thinking about?” He said as we walked to the back of the club. “It’s just...been awhile since I’ve been out like this.” I shrugged.

He nodded and squeezed my hand in comfort.

We found the group in the back, well, I’m assuming they’re the group based on the fact that Azriel is there too. When he saw me he smiled (which was rare and I was so happy to see it), he got out of the giant booth to hug me, which again, surprised me but I was glad for it.

“Everybody, this is Feyre.” I waved awkwardly as both brothers had their arms around me.

“I’m Morrigan,” said the beautiful blonde.

“Amren.” The other woman said, she was beautifully terrifying,

“And I’m Rhysand.” Said the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He had the most beautiful eyes, Jesus christ. Were they violet?

I knew there was good genes in that family (hello look at Cassian and Azriel) but fucking hell. I smiled at all of them, don’t be an idiot, Feyre

Cassian let me slide in on the left side first of the u shaped booth, then he slid in after me. I was right next to Morrigan who hugged me, “I’m so glad to finally meet you!” She squealed.

“I can’t believe you punched Cassian.” Rhysand laughed downing his whiskey.

“She’s working on her anger management.” Cassian joked.

“Watch it, I can punch you again. And this time, it’ll be on purpose.” I gave him a look that had him howling.

The others started laughing which eased the knot that was formed in my belly. Morrigan began telling more stupid stories about Cassian. Turns out they were cousins, Jesus everyone is related except Amren.

Eventually, Cassian and Morrigan worked together to drag Amren and Azriel out onto the dance floor.

“I can’t believe we kept missing each other.” Rhysand said.

“I know,”

“Was it worth the wait?”

I pretended to think about it, “hmm, I finally met the great Rhysand and he doesn’t ask me to dance? Not really.” Okay, I need to stop drinking.

But he smiled, those violet eyes twinkling. “I guess that means I can’t disappoint.” He got up and offered me his hand, I smiled and took it.

He led me onto the dance floor, “just an fyi, I haven’t danced on the club floor in about three years.” I warned. Another thing Tamlin ruined for me.

“Well, then, let’s dust off those moves!” Last Friday Night by Katy Perry started playing.

I nearly rolled my eyes but then Rhysand started twirling me around, I started laughing. He then did some weird disco which nearly killed me. He pulled me into his arms, him and I danced together, his hands on my swaying hips, it felt freeing. We kept laughing and I felt light.

Haven’t felt this in years.

I saw a flash of familiar bronze hair, my stomach sank, it was Lucien. ANd next to him, Tamlin. Motherfucker. I quickly turned into Rhysand who noticed immediately, “what?” He whispered.

“Keep dancing,” I said breathlessly, “him and his friend are over at the bar.”

“Who?”

“My ex. Blond and redhead guys, blond is my ex.”

“The ex?” He referenced, Cassian told me that Rhysand had asked about my story, and he told it with my permission.

“Yes.” I said, nerves fluttering in my stomach.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. But they’re looking.”

“Fuck. Kiss me, please?” “Darling, you don't have to ask. Been thinking about it all night.” I turned my head, he went down and met me. This kiss was seering. My fingers wove themselves into his hair, my fingernails scraped his scalp and he groaned into my mouth. His hands slid up my waist, he gently squeezed my mid riffe, his fingers cold against my hot skin.

We pulled away, he checked, “they’re gone.” I smiled, “thank you.”

“Anytime.” He smiled back.

The group found us, it was obvious we had kissed, both our lips were swollen, his hair was a mess thanks to me, and his hands were still on my wrist.

They were about to say something, when Juice by Lizzo started playing. Cassian shouted and dragged me to go dance with him, I grabbed Rhys, who grabbed Az, who grabbed Mor and she grabbed Amren. All of us ended up in a dance circle just being idiots.

Mor and I duetted the bridge of the song, “somebody come get this man, I think he got lost in my dms!”

“What!”

“My dms!”

“What!”

“You better come get your man, I think he wanna be way more than friends!”

“What!”

“More than friends!”

We danced a few more hours away, when the others got tired, but I didn’t wanna go home. It was 2 in the morning but I felt alive. Rhysand and I went down to a diner, the others were ready to throw in their dancing shoes but since I wanted to stay out; which never happened, Rhysand stayed out with me. I didn’t have to worry about coming home to an angry man who would beat me.

I felt so free.

We pulled up to a 90s themed diner, the car ride wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t at ease, that kiss loomed over us.

“I’m sorry about that kiss,” I said, once we were seated, my conscious just wouldn’t let me wait till later.

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “I didn’t mind it.”

I smiled. The waitress came over and we both ordered milkshakes. “I craved milkshakes like crazy whenever I went out.” I said.

“When was the last time you went out like this?”

I sighed, trying not to let the smile slip, “three years. But hey, I made some pretty amazing friends tonight, and I met you.” Vodka makes me ballsy, never again.

“I’m different from a friend?” He asked, smiling.

I nodded, “I don't kiss my friends.” Not like that, at least.

“So is this a date?” He asked, quirking his eyebrow.

I nodded, “I think so.”

“Thank God, cause seriously, you’re beautiful.” He said, “and I’m a lucky man.”

I smiled, little did I know, this was the beginning of the rest of my life.

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #cassian #azriel #morrigan #amren #feyre archeron #rhysand #feysand #elain archeron #nesta archeron

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wholeanimal · 3 years

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Quietly Shitty Men

“There is a specific type of person who will siphon the gas right from you because they’ve never learned how to shine their own light.” My ex is engaged. That shouldn’t bother me, should it? Oh, but it does. It bothers me because I saw it coming. Tell me, what makes a woman “crazy”? Is it when she follows her own instincts? Or is it when she suppresses them? Is she crazy for sensing something is wrong, or crazy for acting like it? It would be one thing if this was someone new. Good luck and God bless. It would be another if he said, at any point in the relationship, how he felt. That he was anxious or nervous or angry or scared or hurt or apprehensive or lost. You know, feelings. I can’t blame a person for having feelings. Had he stepped up and said “you know what, I can’t stop thinking about my ex, I want to give it another try with her.” That would have been fine. Not in the moment, but nine months later, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Feeling like I’ve just clicked the last piece of the puzzle into place.

It wasn’t me. It was, obviously, never me. I wouldn’t still be putting myself back together after riding the world’s shittiest, least exciting roller coaster. I wouldn’t be having nightmares that I was somehow still dating him, still subjected to his unfortunately not unique brand of emotionlessness and quiet disdain. Like I was the freak for feeling. When things were really, truly over, that’s when I learned the most about who he was. I remember sitting at the kitchen counter, having a silent panic attack, wondering where I was going to live, what I was going to do, how I was going to make this all work. The pandemic and riots had hit my neighborhood hard, and I was trying to imagine starting life over when everything else was figuratively and literally crumbling. Granted, I can’t remember the conversation word-for-word, but this is my best attempt. “What’s going on?” “Nothing, I’m just freaking out.” “Why?” “I have to move. I have to start over. I have to figure out so many things.” “Yeah, well...” “What?” “I just don’t know why you’re so upset.” “Are you fucking serious?” “Yeah. I don’t know why you have to have so many emotions.” “Do you mean now, or in general?” “In general.” I was about ready to fly apart.

“You don’t...understand...why I have EMOTIONS?” ”Yeah. I guess I just don’t see the point.” I don’t remember much after that. I remember going back upstairs and crying so hard I vomited. So much made sense: it wasn’t that he couldn’t empathize with me. It’s that he saw no value in it. Only his emotions were valid. Anything beyond that was simply not worth caring about. It was chilling, and nauseating, and heartbreaking. My heart broke many times over the course of the month I spent living there after we decided to part ways. I had several conversations like this, where I realized just how long I had been having a one-sided relationship. It also made me feel white-hot, clench-fisted RAGE. How DARE he? NOTHING about his daily life would change. He would wake up in the same bed, go down the same set of stairs, putz around his merry fucking way. He wouldn’t have to spend a dollar or dime sorting out what came next. Me, on the other hand? I lost my job the same day I found my apartment. I wanted to claw the paint from the walls I had meticulously restored. I wanted to splinter the floors I had paid to have refinished. I wanted to take all this hard work with me, somehow, to show that I had not truly given up everything. That I had something left. I’m not writing this for you to feel bad about me. I’m more than fine. I’m not looking for words of encouragement. I don’t need them. I want him, and other quietly shitty men, held accountable. Nothing my ex did was actually abusive. It was juuuuust under the line, just enough for him to be able to walk away with his hands up, all “Guess it just didn’t work out!” And I know, I KNOW I’m not the only one. He made me feel crazy and stupid and weak and small and pathetic. I contorted myself into impossible shapes, trying to make the relationship work. I did things he would never do, that I would never do again. I moved across the country. Twice. I downplayed all the porn he watched. I pushed the fact that he had an active FetLife account out of my mind. I ignored my dealbreaker about being with a smoker - something he claimed he quit, then started up again in secret, then held against me when I called him out. Making me the bad guy. It got so bad, I suspected I had R-OCD, or relationship-based OCD. That was my only explanation for how I was always so anxious and he was always so calm. It was MY fault that something felt off. He was aware of my tendency to blame myself, and used it against me. Then, he would get to be the patient, understanding boyfriend while I broke down again and again, hating myself for being so “weak.” I wasn’t weak. He was keeping me in the dark on purpose, because it was easier to do that than to, I don’t know, be fucking honest?!

Every time I got really bent out of shape, when the little slights and coldness and disdain had built up to a breaking point, he would let me say (or scream) my piece, and respond: “You’re right.” Wow. Thanks! I see now that you don’t have to do much work on yourself when you just agree with the person who is upset with you. I’m also not writing this to paint myself as an angel. Yes, I was frustrated and confused and upset, which came out in outbursts of tears and anger. But the difference is, I was trying to connect with him in everything I did. He was trying to push me away. it dawned on me, during one of those horrible post-breakup conversations, that he had fully checked out many months ago. I finally asked him to define a phrase I had heard him use during couples counseling (another suggestion of mine). “What do you mean by ‘I’m deeply invested in your happiness?’” “What?” “Well, like an investment, do you mean time, money, emotions? Or do you just want me to be ok?” “Yeah, that.” “Ok. so you just want me to be “okay”.” I’ll take “Performative Allyship” for 200! I’ve told myself I should have known. Should have left sooner. Should-ing myself to death, sparing him from any fault. Remember, he’s the long-suffering partner of an overly sensitive woman. Another wince-worthy excerpt from couples counseling: Our therapist asked us, at the end of a session, to each tell the other something we loved about the other person. I turned, with tears in my eyes, and told him I appreciated how consistent he was. I was always able to count on him being stable and calm. He told me he liked how nice and clean I kept the house. Cool! He could have saved himself about six months of this bullshit if he had just spoken his mind. I wonder, now, if he even had the capacity. But no, he preferred to wait and let me figure it out on my own, until I was so depleted that I was having almost nonstop migraines. But, just like the sibling who can’t get into trouble because they’re “NOT ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU!!!”, nothing he did was exactly abusive. But it was plenty shitty. Mr. Social Justice. Mr. Feminism. Mr. Don’t Comment On That Topic Or I’ll Shut Down Emotionally. Mr. We Have To Move Away From Montana For Vague Reasons Including Racial Tension Which I Never Actually Experienced But That’s Reason Enough For Me! And when we got to Philadelphia, it was Mr. Why Don’t You Take More Walks Outside Even Though You Get Harassed and Followed? You’re In The House Too Much (Yeah, Even Though It’s a Pandemic). He’d spend hours on the phone talking to the nurses he helped at work. But when a woman in need lived in his own house, ew, gross! Too close to home! There’s a line in a very funny Chris Fleming song called the “Grad Student Shuffle”, which takes the absolute piss out of white male graduate students. A few of the lines apply, but these especially: Call yourself a community organizer Even though you’re not on speaking terms with your roommates! Stand tall and look mindful Even though you're addicted to porn! C'mon! Now close your eyes Say fair enough "Fair enough" Now you are doing the Grad Student Shuffle I’ve gone back and added to this post a bunch of times since I wrote it. I like having a record, even if it’s one-sided. I realize I’m writing this as much for myself as I am for anyone else. To put my story down somewhere, and not to be too concerned if it’s fair or balanced. What happened to me wasn’t fair or balanced. Which reminds me of the worst confrontation we ever had. It was just an hour or two after we decided to break up. It was a sad, but quiet conversation. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved. I went upstairs to let the new reality soak in, and asked if I could steal a puff from his vaporizer. Not weird, right? What was weird was that I felt like a guest in his room. We kept separate bedrooms, which I highly recommend to any couple who can spare the space. But there is a difference between having the option of separate spaces, and feeling relegated to separate spaces. I didn’t feel welcome in his room, and he made no secret of it. So, as usual, I asked to go in. He had left his laptop open on the bed, and I stared off into space as I waited for the vaporizer to heat. I must note, here, that I am not a person who digs. I will run circles in my own brain, but by and large, i leave stuff alone. So I didn’t go looking for what was already on the screen, which was a conversation between him and his best friend. I read maybe a couple sentences before realizing, oops, probably shouldn’t. It was enough to see one exchange, less than two hours after we had officially broken up. “That sucks, man. How long do you think til you’ll be back on Tinder?” “I don’t know. Probably before she moves out.” I’d like to say I don’t remember what happened next, but I do remember. I marched down two flights of stairs, yanked two giant plastic bins out of basement storage, and rage-packed everything I owned outside of my own room in less than ten minutes.

He, of course, had no idea. Nuanced as a fucking turtle, he told me he was going out for a walk, and then asked if something was wrong. I let him have it. Everything that had been building inside of my body came spewing out, all at once. I stumbled over my own words, laughing-crying-screaming-asking him what the fuck he was thinking, who the fuck he was, and what the fuck was this relationship? Was any of it even REAL? He had nothing to say. And that, my friends, was my main mistake. Thinking anything I could ever do could ever get a reaction out of him. Could ever draw the sort of love or support or attention that I used to get from him, before he decided to turn off the tap.

I spent another month there until I could finally move out. I could tell he was annoyed that I was still there. I remember telling him people aren’t disposable. They don’t disappear when you decide you’re done with them. Thirty days was the absolute minimum I could manage, and even that was an incredible feat. He asked me to watch the dog, the one he adopted only a couple of months before, while he went out. I remember thinking, “Am I watching this animal so he can go out on dates? No fucking way.” I still don’t know, and I’m glad I don’t.

He’s not the only quietly shitty guy. There are many. I’m sure bunches of them are being congratulated on their engagements or promotions right now, by people who have never dated them. Have never had the soul-wrenching realization that oh, this person who told you you were their dream and their angel and their moon and stars actually decided like a year ago that they just weren’t feeling it and didn’t have the balls to tell you. But, feel free to question reality in the meantime!

Women reading this, beware. There are men who hold up their hands and shrug and say shit like “I wish her the best” and know to use phrases like “emotional labor” to fake enough self-knowledge to start a relationship that they don’t know how to finish. I encourage you to ask questions. Find out how much they know about themselves. How long their relationships tend to last. If their friends really know them. If they change jobs frequently. If they move states frequently, and why. But most of all, know yourselves. Know that you deserve to have your questions answered, your emotions validated, and your opinions heard. There are plenty of quietly shitty men to choose from. You don’t need to choose one.

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crmsfanfiction · 3 years

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Second Chances-Chapter 6

Authors Note: Once again some heavy stuff in this chapter. Mentions of eating issues and emotional and mental abuse. Please read with caution.

___________________________________________________

Chapter 6: Revelations

Sebastian was watching TV relaxing, when Willa finally stirred in the other bed. He had wanted to curl up with her, but didn’t want to risk upsetting her. He also had his girlfriend to think about. He knew he’d fucked up, by rushing to Mina’s side, but he’d been hoping for so long that she’d forgive him. They needed to have a long talk about everything that happened. He had made the decision while Mina was sleeping that he was going to break up with Margarita and beg Willa to take him back or at the very least start over in their friendship.

“Baz?” Willa called out as she slowly shifted in the bed. “I’m here Mina. What do you need?” Sebastian said as Willa opened her eyes and looked over at him. “In my make-up bag there should be some Tylenol and Motrin. Can I have two Motrin and one Tylenol please?”

“Can you take both together?” Sebastian asked as he headed for the bathroom and grabbed her make-up bag. He riffled through it coming up with the two bottles of medicine. “Technically yes, but you really shouldn’t. Right now I don’t care. I hurt and they will help.” Willa said as she pushed herself up to a sitting position groaning as her ribs protested the movement. Sebastian handed her the pills and a glass of water. Willa quickly downed the meds and set the glass of water on the bedside table.

“Are you hungry? We could take-out from the BBQ place or something else?” Sebastian asked as he settled back down on the other bed. Shrugging, Willa made a noncommittal noise. Sighing Sebastian pulled out his phone and pulled up a local pizza place. It was her favorite, as close to New York as she could get around here and ordered a large pepperoni with extra cheese.

“Pizza will be here in about an hour.”

“From Pink Door? You remembered my favorite?”

“Of course. I remember all your favorites. Lilacs and lavender dahlias are your absolute favorite flowers, though you still love red and yellow roses as a close second. You love all genres of music, but 90s grunge is what you listen too when your stressed out or pissed off. Prince is still your favorite artist of all time. I could go on.” Sebastian said as he listed a few of her favorites. Willa laughed. “No stop. I get it. You remember. I still remember all your favorites too.”

“I also know that you still look better in my clothes than I do.” Sebastian said quietly as he looked at the shirt hanging off her frame. She’d lost a good bit of weight from the last time he’d seen her. At 5’8 she wasn’t a tiny person. He’d always loved her curves, but now he was hard pressed to even see any of them with the way she looked now. Even he knew she was starving, whether by choice or force he wasn’t sure.

“Yeah, I realized it was your old shirt after I put it on. I’d honestly forgotten I had it. I haven’t worn it in years. Tony hated Prince. We could only listen to the latest stuff. The newest hits.” Willa said as she pulled the shirt tighter around her frame. It had gotten a lot looser than it used to be on her. Tony used to pick at her weight all the time, though she wasn’t overweight by any stretch of the imagination. Anytime they would sit down to eat, he would ask her if she’d planned on eating all that, or if they were in public he would glare at her if she ate more than half of the food on her plate. Soon it turned to him ordering for her. She wasn’t allowed more than a side salad and water in a restaurant. At home he’d fix her plate and only put a few bites of everything she’d fixed on her plate, while he would fill his.

She was starting to see how badly Tony had her fucked up in the head and knew she would need to get into a therapist to help her sort out and break through his conditioning. She couldn’t believe that she’d allowed him to treat her like this, though looking back even this short time later she could see it was subtle and vicious. She’d been a prime target for him. She knew she was naive to the world in a lot of ways. She’d been sheltered for a lot of her life. She didn’t blame her parents, they had only wanted to protect her.

“Mina hon, you still with me?” Sebastian asked as he watched several different emotions play across her face as she gazed at the wall. Shaking her head Willa looked over at Sebastian. “Yeah I’m still here. Sorry was thinking. I need a therapist.”

“That is a good idea. I know it helps me to talk with mine when I am having trouble. I can call mine tomorrow and see who he would recommend that is taking new patients.”

“Really? Thank you Baz. I appreciate it. So How much longer before pizza is here? Do we have time to go get some beer or wine?” Sebastian checked his watch. “I think we have time to run down to the store. Let me go and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Willa nodded as she handed him the room key. He pulled his hat down low over his face and and slid on his sunglasses as he left the room. Willa flipped through the channels until she found the history channel. It was showing about Egypt and the Pharaohs. It was the type of program that was good for background noise and you didn’t need to really pay attention to it.

Twenty minutes Sebastian was back with some of her favorite wine and he’d even gotten her a dove chocolate bar. It wasn’t the best chocolate, but it was a guilty pleasure. He really did remember her favorites. He’d grabbed a 6 pack of Heineken for himself. It wasn’t his go too, but it was the best he could find around here. Ten minutes after he’d gotten back their pizza had arrived and they were digging in. Willa took the smallest piece and had taken three small bites, when she claimed she was full.

“Mina hon, I don’t want to overstep, but I’m concerned. You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you. Please don’t be afraid to eat. I know you love this pizza. You used to demolish a medium by yourself. I always loved how you weren’t afraid to eat what you wanted and how much. This isn’t you.” Sebastian sighed as he looked at her scared expression.

“I know, but he used to criticize my weight and body. He got into my head. Always told me I wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t thin enough. It will take time to feel like food isn’t being used to control me.” Willa said sadly as she stared at the pizza in front of her. She wanted to eat it, but Tony’s voice was in her head telling her that she was too fat and didn’t need to eat it. She picked up the slice in front of her and took a bigger bite. She wouldn’t allow him to control her anymore.

“Mina you’ve NEVER been fat! You have always been a healthy weight. You’re tall. You naturally need more weight to look healthy. You couldn’t have been more than 150 when we dated if you were even that much.” Sebastian said as he hugged her as tight as he dared, being careful of her ribs.

Willa pulled away from him and shook her head. “I know, but he was a master manipulator Baz. I let him beat me down mentally and it will take a very long time to get through that. I can try to push past it, but I can’t do it alone. I can’t be who I was Baz. Who you are hoping I’ll be. I’m not the girl you walked away from a decade ago. I’ll never be that girl again. I don’t even know all the abuse he put me through mentally and emotionally. This is why we can’t ever be together. I know your hoping for that, but the free-spirited wild child isn’t who I am anymore. I grew up in the past few years. The girl you loved is gone. The woman in front of you now is beaten down and broken. She may never fully recover from this.”

“I’m not hoping for anything, other than your forgiveness. I know I messed up all those years ago and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I still hope I can have it. I want my friend back. In fact I have a girlfriend. We’ve been together for about a year now. She is in Atlanta waiting for me.” Sebastian said as he tried to hide the hurt of her words. He knew he didn’t deserve her in any way shape or form.

“Baz I forgave you a long time ago. We can try to be friends, but you have to give me time and space. Also I’m glad you have someone. I never wanted you to be sad and lonely. We didn’t work out. We both moved on.” Willa said as she finally finished her pizza and finished her glass of wine. She slipped under the covers of her bed and looked at Sebastian. “We have a busy day tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep. We need to head to Becca and David’s so I can pack a couple bags and then we can head for the airport. Got to get you back to your job and girlfriend.” Willa said as she turned over to face the wall to not show how hearing he had a girlfriend had truly affected her. Even after everything she said to him, she still loved him. She never stopped, but now it was too late. She wasn’t the same girl. He deserved better than a broken shell. So she pushed him away. She broke her own heart to save his.

She would be his friend. That is all she could ask for. He was happy and she wasn’t, but it was for the best. She was a complete mess at the moment. She had just broke off a three year engagement and a five year relationship with an abusive manipulator. She wasn’t ready in any shape or form for another relationship if she would ever be ready for another relationship. She wasn’t about to lead him on or let him twist in the wind waiting for her to be ready.

Sebastian turned out the lights and turned off the TV as she slid into his bed. His heart breaking for the woman in the next bed. He knew she wasn’t the same as she’d been. He thought he was partly to blame for it, but mostly he knew her ex was a complete asshole and he’d love to have a shot at him. He turned to face Willa’s back and closed his eyes wishing she was wrapped up in his arms. If he hadn’t been pressured to walk away from her, he was sure they’d have still been together. He wished with all his heart he could go back in time and change what happened between them.

__________________________________________________________

Feedback much appreciated. They give me fuel to keep writing.

_________________________________________________________

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modern-oedipus · 4 years

Text

I had been thinking about an ex I broke up nearly two years ago. Although their psychological abuse was explicitly clear, my brain had still “convinced” itself that it was somehow my fault to be abused.

It wasn’t, but even with therapy, mental health tools, new partners, and help of my best friend, it took me so long to get over someone I loved so much.

But yesterday I just reflected on the person I currently am, my values and ethics, my principles and goals and dreams and achievements, my hobbies and work and the general outlook on life. I noticed that EVEN IF they haven’t done me wrong— even if I hadn’t done them wrong. EVEN IF our relationship was on its “good times”—

That person still wouldn’t be able to get in my life, at this time and point of 2020.

I wouldn’t want the close-company of someone like that. By that, I am not blaming on their toxic traits. Even their GOOD traits. When I summed up the person I almost got engaged (seriously, it WAS a story), I find no mutual points on the long run. No mutual points of Nila I am now. That’s why it didn’t work out.

It makes me feel at peace. Right now, I have no bitter feelings left in me. I am not mourning over the end of the relationship, it has been a long while since then. I had been mourning over the severe abuse for sure, though. Anyway, I think...

I think I am alright.

It took me a while but I didn’t want to carry the pain, bitterness or salt with me, so I did so many therapy exercises and confronted myself and others to get over. To move forward.

Now that I think... Yes. I’ve moved on.

I am no longer scared of the abuser, I no longer hate the person I was. I know it was not ALL my fault. I acknowledge my mistakes, and I learn from them and I don’t do such mistakes on my new relationships. I also recognize where their personal problems turned to be ABUSIVE, as approved by therapists, and how and why it happened. I no longer take it personal.

Even if everything was good... Even if nothing bad happened, or even if we forgave each other. I wouldn’t keep such a person in my life, simply because our energies don’t match. (I won’t talk about the reasons here, I still respect their privacy.) I wouldn’t want to be with someone who likes negative patterns more than positive patterns, and blames others for their faults.

So, here is an open letter.

I forgive you.

I forgive you for abusing me, I forgive you for the days you knew how badly it hurt but enjoyed to control me over anyway.

I also forgive you for the good days and really happy times. I thought you were the only one who could give that to me, only at the cost of my mental health. I was wrong.

It was nice while it lasted.

I quit asking myself why you abused me when I loved you so much. Because you know what? As a scientist, I actually did a fair amount of REAL research, and I found my answers. I found my answers. I acknowledged the parts I should and should NOT take personal. I learnt, and acknowledged, that abuse of any form is unacceptable no matter what the other party did.

I acknowledge what happened. I acknowledge that I am worthy. In a sense, you are worthy too. I hope you find the support and therapy you need. I hope you have courage to work on yourself instead of pouring your anxiety on people you live and turning life hell for them because love, no one can survive that of yours, and they should not. We are not going to get married and have cats and dogs together, we aren’t going to wait for the 6 am bakery to open so we can show each other our creative work, we are not going to enjoy being the couple in our friends group, but it’s okay. I am worthy, and you are too, I am no longer degrading you. I have people who love me in my life— people who treat me right. People who showed me that I do not deserve abuse just because I made something wrong. I deserve confrontation, warnings, and compromise, in terms of full respect, rather than the abuse. It is easier to love that way. Every day is not a hell. I am single right now, I’ve had a few partners after you. I never thought I could love anyone like I loved you, but I did, and in my all honesty, none of them were a replacement. Everything had their own story that you were not a part of.

So today when I woke up, I finally felt at peace with myself for this subject. I loved you, I really did. I know you loved me at the beginning as well. I am no longer blaming anyone on what happened, including you and me. We were young, after all, we still are. Right now I remember you as the person I loved and the person who was there for me on the good and bad days, but also the person whose personal issues lead to an inexcusable abuse that was nowhere healthy to live with. I am no longer taking the responsibility of saving you or cleaning behind your back— it never worked because you didn’t want it to work. You only wanted to stay in your comfort zone and blame others for your problems. You never had the courage to confront yourself, and— and that’s okay. You don’t need to have courage. You don’t need to live up to my standarts of a decent human being. If you can’t change no matter what, then I respect it— and I leave. I no longer wish you the salt. I sincerely hope that, as much as the probability is low, you acknowledge your abuse. You acknowledge your ABUSE because love, that had MORE severe consequences than I thought, wouldn’t even notice if my therapist and loved ones didn’t point out. It’s not OK. to abuse, love. That’s a pill to swallow both for you and me.

I am no longer scared of you.

I no longer think we are not equals.

The thought of you no longer gives me anxiety or pain.

If I were to see you again, I’d just smile.

I acknowledge both the good and bad sides, and I move forward. As the person I am now, it is impossible to be a match for us even if everything went “right”. You were not meant to be with me. And that’s okay.

Happy birthday, love.

Farewell.

#mental health #relationships #open letter #love letter #final remarks #oh thank god this burden is off my shoulders #therapy notes #psychological abuse #nila stuff

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romansleftshoulderpad · 5 years

Text

Barren: Chapter 15

Words: 3,021

Ships: Established Moralogince, Eventual LAMP

Warnings: food mention, past death mention, characters fighting, crying, eavesdropping, mention of an abusive ex

A/N: I’m not paying any dental bills if this gives anyone cavities

Tags: @fandermom @astral-eclipse @patheticlilkiddo @a-pastel-pan @dr-gloom @cloudedskies29 @quietwords-loudthoughts @mentallytiredgoat @merlybird500 @notveryglittery @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @ninja-wizard101 @littleladynightshade @pumpkinminette @weird-spooky-broody-dude @unicornlogansanders @muliphandomer @jacksmellington101 @notalwaysthebadguy @skruffy901 @jynxlovesluck

Previous / Next

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The woman took purposeful strides, often forgetting how much shorter the boy walking next to her was. Her brown hair was pulled back tightly into a ponytail and she seemed to be dressed more for a business meeting than a therapy session. While not of a corporate degree, the woman certainly had business to attend to.

“Oh- H- Hello, I don’t have any appointments this week, but-“

“Cut the shit, Emile,” Nicole said. “Where’s my son?”

+++

Virgil was thriving from all the attention he had been getting. Patton showered him with forehead kisses and cuddles, Roman offered compliments and hugs at every corner, and Logan was always there to offer reassurances and reminders of how loved he was.

He felt like he belonged. And that was the most confusing thing of all. His heart was torn in a million different directions between soaking in all of the love or hiding far, far away from it all so that the rejection would hurt less.

But Virgil was selfish. And deeply falling into the abyss of love. He laughed as he saw Logan and Patton dancing in the kitchen, both so clumsy but laughing and full of love. “Dance with me,” Roman said, holding a hand in front of Virgil’s.

“Oh- I- I have two left feet,” he lied.

“So do those two. C’mon. It’ll be fun.” Roman’s invitation felt so common yet so intimate all at once. Virgil knew how the three of them loved to dance together when they were alone, was this some sort of a silent invitation into the quietest and domestic parts of their lives? Of their relationship? Virgil’s heart sped in his chest.

He took Roman’s hand and let himself be twirled into the kitchen and a gentle waltz, safely tucked between Roman’s arms. His heartbeat in time to the soft, jazzy tune he vaguely remembered from a movie he had seen with his mother when he was a kid. He could hardly remember anything other than talking dogs and a lot of balloons, but the song vibrated through his chest with the word “soulmates” echoing through his head.

It was a feeling he had read about in books and fairytales. Soulmates knowing that they’re meant to be together. It all seemed so fake all those years ago, and as he got older he knew being Barren meant he’d never be able to feel that. But now? Everything seemed perfect. It seemed so right, in a horribly wrong sort of way.

Roman twirled him into Logan’s arms as he began to dance with Patton. Virgil smiled at Logan and laughed awkwardly but found dancing with him to be far easier than expected. Logan was a perfect lead, precise and taking each step deliberately, and he kept a firm hold on Virgil but one that felt comforting nonetheless.

They all kept dancing, switching partners every few minutes, and laughing and loving. The song ended with Virgil once again in Roman’s arms, laughing as their foreheads pressed together. He found himself completely blind to the glance that Logan and Patton shared; he found himself completely blind to the fact that his life was about to change forever.

Later that day, when Roman was tucked away with work and Patton and Logan were busy training, Virgil found himself lying on the floor of Elliot’s room. “How much did it hurt?” he asked. “The tattoo. Mom always wanted me to get one, but I was too scared of the pain.”

“Yeah,” Elliot said. “But it’s not that bad. And if it saves your life, it's worth it.”

“And yet we’re both here,” Virgil said. “So, was it?”

“I-“ Elliot thought for a moment, silence on their tongue. “I just... chose the wrong name.”

“A bully?”

“A boyfriend,” they said. “He’s not exactly... a fan of people like us. Sometimes I wonder if he’s the one that reported me.”

“Tattoo shops are raided all the time,” Virgil said. “Someone probably just stole the documents.”

“Someone,” they argued, “would have had to tell the police first.”

“That’s fair.”

“How did you get caught?”

“Typical story. Someone saw my arm, caused a scene, and I just couldn’t outrun the cops. I was put on display. I hated it.”

“Virgil, that sounds awful.”

“I’m sure what you went through wasn’t exactly a picnic either.”

“Being Barren sucks ass.”

“It really does, doesn’t it?” Virgil laughed. “But at least we have company. I can’t imagine doing this all with anyone else.”

“It sounds like you love them,” Elliot teased.

Virgil stood silently for a moment, memories and emotions rushing to his head and through his heart. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Maybe I do.”

“Oh no, you’re in deep, huh?”

Virgil sent them a glare. “I’m just saying that I,” he said slowly, putting deep thought and consideration into every word, “enjoy their company.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh don’t give me that look!” Virgil said. “It’s not like I’m calling them my soulmates- well...-“ He decided that was a topic for a different day. “They make me feel safe. And loved. And isn’t that all anybody wants when all is said and done?” He paused for a moment, face blushing as he thought of that morning’s events. “I think they’re incredible.”

“I wish you the best of luck with that.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Thanks. And I wish you the best of luck with getting out of here. I’m sure this isn’t your ideal situation.”

“Living with my therapist, three polyamorous idiots, and my best friend’s hero?” they asked. “Not what I expected, no.”

“Hero?”

“You’re a living legend!” Elliot explained. “My friend Kai really admires you. He thinks you’re pretty kickass.”

“Kickass? I hardly did anything. Logan is the one who saved me.”

“Au contraire,” Elliot argued. “You saved me.”

“Huh. Maybe I do have a bit of kickass.”

“Hell yeah, you fucking do.”

“Language.”

“Kiss my ass,” Elliot said, sticking out their tongue with a laugh. Virgil fell back against the floor with laughter. He finally felt like he was making up for lost time on all the years he spent friendless and alone.

+++

It was a grocery day. Patton was thankful to have the least risky job of the bunker, but that never meant he was completely safe. He kept the sleeves of his cardigan just high enough the show that he had a mark, but still covered enough to prevent anyone from looking any closer at it. He carried reusable shopping bags in his hands as he walked the extra block back to Roman’s Jeep. As he walked, he found himself faced with a difficult proposition.

Would it be the right thing to do to visit Emile?

On one hand, if Emile had wanted to see them, surely he would have come back to the bunker already.

But what if he needed company? There’s a large difference between having a friend visit you and going back to a small family.

Patton pulled out the keys from his pocket and unlocked the Jeep. He piled in grocery bags into the back seat and got into the driver’s seat. He took a deep breath and started the directions to Picani’s office...

+++

Roman was starting to get really sick of the sound of keys typing. He had been locked in the office for hours, trying to get paperwork done for the organization. He hated paperwork, especially on such short notice. He had been taking whatever short lunch break he had to just walk around the bunker and have an opportunity to stretch his legs. He stopped in front of Elliot’s room, his hand on the doorknob, to ask if they were hungry.

“It sounds like you love them.”

“Yeah. Maybe I do.”

Roman knew that eavesdropping was wrong, but could anyone blame him if he stuck around for a few more seconds, just for some context?

Eventually, his guilty conscience was too hard to ignore and he quickly made his way into the kitchen to at least attempt a meal. That is if black coffee and ramen count as a meal.

“A man of high taste, huh?” Virgil teased as he passed by.

Roman’s heart raced as he emptied the noodles into the pot. Did Virgil know he had been listening? “I could make you some if you want.”

“Nah, I had a turkey sandwich earlier,” Virgil said. “But have fun with your John Mulaney Piss Poor College Student Dinner Deluxe.”

“No one said it’s easy when Patton is on grocery duty,” Roman teased, turning around but easily finding himself chest to chest with Virgil and trying not to blush so hard. Was Virgil’s smirk always this adorable? The younger boy was at the same height as Roman’s lips, perfect for forehead kisses; was he allowed to be flustered by such a simple fact?

Virgil quickly moved out of the way. “No offense, but this place has never exactly had a five-star kitchen.”

Roman laughed, moving to a different counter to chop up some old vegetables for his noodles. “In our defense, all we have is Emile’s extra cash to feed us.”

“Do you think he’ll come back?” Virgil asked quietly. “Or- Or maybe I could hide in the back of the Jeep next time Patton leaves and- and then I can talk to him and say I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“I- And then maybe he will come back! Or- At least things will be okay again and- and- and-“

“Virgil, you need to calm down you’re getting hysterical,” Roman said. “You can’t leave the bunker. It’s still very dangerous for you out there.”

“But Emile-“

“Emile will be fine. You, however, won’t be.”

“But-“ Roman opened his arms wide and Virgil ran into him, hiding his face in Roman’s chest. Roman rubbed on hand on Virgil’s back as he hummed the gentle tune they had all been dancing to that morning.

“What if I lose Emile too?” Virgil asked quietly. Roman could feel the tears on his shirt. “I already lost my mom. I can’t lose him too.”

“You won’t,” Roman whispered. “This is just how Emile is. Sometimes he just needs to hide away for a while. Until the sadness subsides, you know? He’ll be back in his own time. He’s gone through a great loss and all we can do is give him time.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “Okay.”

“And Virgil? He loves you. Don’t think that this means he cares for you any less.”

“Your ramen is burning.”

“Oh fuck!” Roman yelled, running over to the stove and quickly moving the pot off the burner. He tossed in a few of the chopped veggies and stirred in the seasoning. “Not my best batch,” he teased, easing off the mild heart attack he was experiencing. “I’m usually better at cooking.”

“That’s half my fault,” Virgil teased, quickly wiping his eyes and seeming more than eager to change the conversation.

“Oh please, I’ve ruined plenty of Patton’s meals by being an attention whore,” Roman said. “The desire for Patton hugs waits for no man, woman, enby, or pot roast.”

“I believe that.”

“So uh, this is probably a bad time to ask,” Roman said as he poured his half-burnt half raw soup into a bowl. “But I’m working on getting Elliot transferred.”

“Transferred?”

“And I, well, I need to ask if you want to go with them,” Roman said. Despite knowing that Virgil would likely say “no” he couldn’t stop his heart from racing or his hands from shaking. “I know this isn’t really your thing. We can get you a tattoo and send you to a division in another country. You can start life all over again.”

“Start over?”

“And you won’t be trapped underground,” he said through a forced smile. “But it’s up to you. It wouldn’t take long to do the paperwork once I get Elliot’s set up.”

“Leave,” Virgil said slowly as if the word left a bitter taste on his tongue.

“You know, repeating everything I say isn’t much of an answer.”

“Right, I’m sorry,” he said. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to give me an answer straight away. It’s okay to take your time.”

“No, that’s not what I meant I- I think that paperwork is completely unnecessary.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You know, I have an anxiety disorder and I, well, I don’t like change soooo.”

“So?”

“You’re really going to make me spell this out for you, huh?”

“It’s a simple question, Virgil.”

“I want to stay,” he mumbled. “As cliche as it sounds, you guys are like a family to me. I don’t want anything to ruin that.”

“Oh, Virgil,” Roman said with a smile. We love you too.

+++

Patton hated going anywhere empty-handed, which is why he was currently walking into Dr. Picani’s office with a box full of chocolate donuts. He had expected to find Emile alone and silently working on paperwork, what he found instead was the flap of a butterfly’s wings that started a storm.

Or perhaps it was already a storm from a butterfly of long, long ago.

“Emile, I didn’t realize you have patients.”

“Patton!” Emile yelled. “What are you doing here?” He seemed to be in the middle of a fight with a tall, brunette woman and a short boy with cotton-candy hair.

“I came to see how you’re doing. And, uh, give you these,” he said, putting the box of donuts on the table. The young boy immediately went for the box of donuts and started eating one.

“Patton, I’d like to introduce you to Mrs. Bianchi. Mrs. Bianchi, this is my old friend, Patton Hart.”

“Bianchi?” Patton asked, eyebrows raised. “Any relation to the wanted fugitive?”

“Who’s asking?” Nicole asked, her voice dripping with poison.

“It’s okay,” Emile said. “We’re all on the same side.”

“Nicole is Virgil’s mother. She’s trying to find him.” “And I need to find Elliot!”

“Kai,” Nicole whispered, “you need to calm down.”

“NO!” Kai yelled. “I need to know where they are!”

“Elliot’s with Virgil,” Patton said. “Both of them are only an hour’s drive away.”

“Oh my God,” Nicole gasped. “He’s okay.”

“Elliot’s on their way to being transferred, though,” Patton said.

“Transferred?”

“The bunker only has room for so many,” he explained, “and it’s not exactly a life living underground.”

“So, where are they going?”

“One of the other branches of our organization will take them and help them set up a new life.”

“And Virgil?”

“The choice to stay or leave is Virgil’s to make,” Patton said. “That is if he hasn’t made it already.”

“I need to see him,” Nicole pleaded. “Please, I need to see my son!”

“And you will,” Patton said. “But not today. You never know who could be following.”

“So what the hell am I supposed to do? Wait?!”

“With the knowledge that your son is safe and loved, yes.”

“Mr. Hart, I need to know, how is he doing? What has his life been like for the past few months?” Nicole asked. “You said my son is loved, how can I be so sure?”

“Virgil has spent the past few months living with and my two boyfriends, Roman and Logan, as well as Dr. Picani and his late queerplatonic partner, Remy- may God rest his soul- and I can assure you that we have spent all these months making sure that he is comfortable. As I have grown closer with Roman and Logan, the three of us have also grown to care for your son. I can only hope that no matter what, he is safe and happy.”

“Patton,” Emile whispered under his breath, a knowingness in his tone and the shine of his eyes.

“And I know he misses you, Nicole. Call me in a week and I can arrange for Emile to bring you to our hideaway.”

“Will Elliot still be there?” Kai asked.

“Of course,” Patton said. “As long as you can promise to see them, I’ll hold off on their transfer. You two deserve a proper goodbye.”

Kai blinked back a few tears and smiled. “Thank you, Mr. Hart. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, now if you don’t mind, I need a few minutes alone with Dr. Picani.”

“Of course, Mr. Hart,” Nicole said. “And thank you so much. I will be in contact with you in one week.”

“I look forward to it, Mrs. Bianchi.”

Nicole and Kai smiled as they left the room and Patton was quick to fall onto Picani’s couch.

“Patton, you really must warn me next time,” Emile said. “You know how I hate surprises.”

“You’re going to complain to me about surprises? That was a surprise, Em.”

“She shocked me too, but-”

“How long have you known?”

“What?”

“Nicole. How long have you been hiding the fact that she’s trying to find Virgil? How long have you hidden Virgil from her?”

“A month or two but-”

“A month?! Emile!”

“I didn’t want you all to lose Virgil!”

“Virgil needs his mother, Emile. As much as you care for him, and as much as I love him, he needs his mother.”

“He needs us too.”

“That’s his own choice to make.”

“I just... I thought this would be easier. For everyone.”

“Em,” Patton sighed, “it’s time to admit that you were wrong.”

“How can I make this up to you guys?”

“One week,” Patton said, getting up from the couch and heading out of the office. “I have frozens in the car.”

“Patton-”

“Enjoy the donuts.”

+++

When Patton got home, seeing Roman waiting for him seemed to be all that mattered. He parked the car and turned off the engine, lazily putting the keys in his pocket as he slipped out of the car.

“Babe, let me help you with the bags.”

“Shh, bags can wait,” Patton said, wrapping his arms around Roman’s neck and letting all of his weight fall onto his boyfriend.

“Long day?”

“Mhmm.”

“Want me to just shut up and kiss you?” he teased.

“You know me so well,” Patton said as Roman’s hand cupped his cheek and they closed the gap between them. Yeah, Patton thought, bags can wait.

#Barren #btw any urls that weren't able to be added to the list were removed for space sake but are still on the original list #PLEASE dm me if I need to update your url on the list okay

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