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gummydummy19 · 7 months

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Not now (male reader version)

Summary: You and Natasha are major enemies with benefits. You can hardly be in the same room together, let alone an elevator...

Content Warnings: smut (blowjob), angst, fluffy ending (you know me), LANGUAGE!

A/N: This fic is one of my favorites out of everything i've ever written, so I decided to make a male reader version :)) hope you like it! feedback is always welcomed

Word Count: 3.4K+

It had been a long, exhausting day. You weren't even supposed to go on any more missions until next week, but Fury decided to wreck your Friday and send you on your hardest mission yet. Your body ached and you just wanted to crawl into your bed as soon as possible. So when you saw Nat approaching the elevator, you silently prayed the doors would close before she got in. You just couldn't deal with her right now. Not now.

Of course, luck wasn't on your side today. Natasha slipped her slender body in between the doors just as they were about to close, joining you in the space that suddenly felt too small.

She smirked widely when you noticeably rolled your eyes.

"In a hurry?" she asked.

"Just tired." You dryly stated.

"Yeah, I can tell. You look like shit" She teased.

To be quite honest, you were fairly sure Nat hated you way more than you actually hated her, but you weren't about to let her know that.

You and Natasha started this whole enemies-with-benefits thing a while ago, and somewhere along the way, you started finding it harder and harder to keep up the hating game.

Sometimes you just wanted someone to talk to, to watch a movie with, to hold you after you'd a long day like this.

Admittedly, hating each other's guts resulted in some mind-blowing sex. Nat might be an arrogant bitch most of the time, but she was still the best fuck you've ever had, and you didn't wanna throw that away just because you were getting a little needy. So you decided to just suck it up and stick with what you did best, annoying her until she let you fuck her stupid.

And it had been working out just fine, but today you were so exhausted and she looked so good in her big comfy sweater and her tight black yoga pants. She had been growing out her hair lately and it was currently tied up in a messy bun.

You could barely look her in the eye, desperately trying to come up with a snarky response, but your brain failed you as the only thing you could think of was how good it would feel her nails rake through your hair right now.

She frowned, clearly confused and quite frankly annoyed at your lack of attitude.

She let out an annoyed huff and in one quick movement, her hand hit the emergency button, making the elevator halt.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" You snapped

"ME? What the hell is wrong with YOU? Did I fuck you stupid last time? What's going on?" She yelled.

Natasha had noticed the change in your behavior lately, and she didn't like it. Not one bit.

Her words made a blush creep up your neck and you silently cursed your body for betraying you.

You knew Nat thrived off your attitude. You were the only one who ever questioned her authority, it kept her on her toes.

She took a step closer to you and you immediately took a step back, not knowing if you could do this much longer.

Desperately trying to match her stern energy, you snapped back at her.

"Why the fuck do you even care?? Talk about being fucking cock drunk, Romanoff."

"That's what you'd like, huh, big boy? To get me cock drunk on that big dick of yours?" Natasha inched closer to you as you tried your best to ignore how hard you were getting from her voice alone.

"In your dreams, you fucking bitch" You turned around and hit the button again, making the elevator restart.

You felt her boobs push against your back and all you could do was stare at your shoes and pray to whatever was good and holy that this stupid elevator would just hurry the fuck up already.

Soft hands with perfectly manicured nails crept up the sides of your arms, while her plush lips left teasing kisses on your clothed back. The body heat radiating off her made it hard to think straight.

Gathering all your willpower, you softly shoved your elbow against her side, shaky arm pushing against her torso, trying to get her to move.

"Get off me, Natasha." Your tone almost had her believing you actually didn't want this.

Almost.

"Not until you tell me who shoved a stick up your ass." her voice was soft and teasing, tingling against the shell of your ear as she stood on her tippy toes.

She stopped the elevator for a second time.

"Natasha, I'm serious, cut it out!" You groaned, before pushing the button again.

"So am I?" she continued and her hand moved towards the button yet again.

"Would you stop?! You're acting like a child!" you yelled, trying to get the upper hand as the small metal cage rumbled.

The poor emergency stop must have been hit damn near a dozen times as you and Nat continued your pointless bickering.

Suddenly, the entire elevator shook and came to an abrupt stop, making her cling to your side for balance.

The lights flickered out and the buzzing noise that usually lingered around was gone.

You pushed Natasha off you and desperately tried hitting a couple buttons.

Nothing.

"Look what you fucking did!" you screamed at her.

"Me?" she yelled.

If looks could kill, Natasha Romanoff would be dead on the floor of that elevator right now.

A thick, deafening silence settled in between the two of you, and you let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. Dropping your gaze to the floor, you let your shoulders hang, rubbing your hands over your face in exhaustion.

You turned around, staring at the buttons.

Fed up and extremely done with this stupid situation, tears started welling in your eyes. Fuck.

The emergency lights had gone on. You checked your phone. Of course there was no reception and it was late already, everyone else had gone to bed on their own floor and there was no way they'd hear you all the way from here.

"Perfect. Just perfect." You muttered.

Fresh out of fucks to give, you finally let the numb feeling you had been trying to push away all day take over your body. You slid down the wall, sitting with your knees drawn up and your fingers tangled in your hair as Nat just stood there and watched.

"Should have taken the fucking stairs," she mumbled.

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath.

You were utterly exhausted, every muscle in your body ached. All you wanted was a hot shower and some sleep, and now you were trapped in this stupid elevator and you had to look at Natasha's stupid cranky face all night. Any other day you would have given her her crap right back, but not today. Not now.

Simply lacking the energy to be your usual witty and confident self, you let out an annoyed sigh.

"I'm so fucking tired." You finally muttered. If it wasn't for the deafening silence surrounding you, she probably wouldn't even have heard it.

Making eye contact with her was impossible at this point. And even if you had it in you to look her in the eye right now, the thick tears that started welling blurred your sight.

"Oh great, now he's fucking crying." Nat groaned, more to herself than to you.

You rolled your teary eyes at her typical arrogance. But when she took an awkward step closer, you pointed your finger at her.

"Don't even think about coming near me right now, Romanoff." You warned.

She smirked at the remark, finally catching a glimpse of the snarky man she was secretly so crazy about.

To your surprise, she moved closer and sat down beside you.

You glared down at her.

"You don't have to prete-"

"Oh, shut up." she cut you off as she cuddled closer to your side, dropping her head on your arm.

The smell of her hair brought you a weird sense of peace, which you welcomed nonetheless. There was something about her, about being this close to her. You couldn't put your finger on it, but it melted away your anxiety like snow in the sun.

A comfortable silence settled in between the two of you as you sniffled quietly, wiping away a couple of stray tears that had escaped your eyes.

She sat back up to look at you. You felt her eyes burning against your face but you couldn't bring yourself to return her stare. In all honestly, this was probably the most embarrassing moment of your life.

Clearing your throat, you pulled away from her.

"Alright, thanks," you said, before scooting a few inches to the other side.

As much as you hated to acknowledge it, being away from her even a few inches filled you with a slight cold, empty feeling. And you had to go against every fiber in your body not to scoot closer and ask her to snuggle up against you again.

"You don't always need to be such a tough guy," she spoke, making you scoff

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you."

To your surprise, she didn't say anything after that. She just cuddled closer to you again, clinging to your arm and she nuzzled her face comfortably against your shoulder.

A weird sense of comfort took over your body. That urge you had to be held and taken care of bubbled up again and you let Natasha fill that void. You knew it wasn't real. She didn't want to be here. But she was. And you were going to enjoy her warmth for as long as you could.

The intoxicating smell of his perfume and her body wash mixed with her natural sweet scent invaded your nostrils and made a heat run through you, warming you from the inside out.

You must have dosed off after that, because the next thing you know you felt your body being shoved aside, abruptly waking you from your slumber.

"Finally you guys got here! Her was starting to drool on my shirt." Natasha's arrogant voice spoke to Sam and Bucky, who had apparently found you in the elevator.

You knew it was too good to last. At least now you could go to your room and get some rest. Alone.

You slowly sat up, blinking the sleep from your eyes as you gaped at the three men in front of you. The smell of Nat was still heavy on you. Before any of them could say anything you scrambled out of the elevator. Running through the hallway to your room, wanting nothing more than for this day to just be over with already.

"Hey, wait!" Nat's voice sounded through the hallway as you looked for your keys, rolling your eyes.

"Oh for fucks sake, does she ever take a break?" you mumbled to yourself.

"Looking for these?" she asked, dangling your keys in front of you with a smug look on her face.

You groaned, reaching for the keys only to have them pulled away at the last second. It was quiet between the two of you for a beat, before you lunged for the keys again, failing miserably.

Okay. now you were pissed.

Natasha looked at you with a shit-eating grin.

"Come on, pretty boy." she teased, "come and get them"

Okay. Now you were pissed.

There was no way in hell you were faster than her. You knew it. She knew it. She just wanted to see you try. See you emberrass yourself even further.

And you actually debated it. For a split second, you debated it.

Nope.

Not today, Romanoff.

You were done. Done with this day. Done with these games. Done with her.

You scraped together every ounce of dignity you had left and turned around, walking away from her.

You got halfway through the hall before you heard her chuckle.

"And where are you going now, huh?" she questioned, obviously very amused.

"To sleep in Wanda's room." you simply said, not even bothering to turn around. You didn't need to see her face to know the grin had fallen.

"The hell you are." you heard her say, suddenly way closer to you as you heard her footsteps approach.

Before you could even comprehend what was happening Natasha yanked your arm back and walked you back down the hallway.

“What the-…HEY STOP” you tried to wriggle your arm out of her grasp but your already exhausted body just wouldn’t work with you. And perhaps your needy brain didn’t mind being held by Natasha...

Before you knew it you were being pushed into a room as she slammed the door behind her. You quickly realized you had entered a bedroom, but it wasn’t yours…oh no this was Natasha's room. You could recognize it from the scent alone…

She walked over to the bed and sat down at the foot of it, looking you straight in the eyes.

You stared at her from across the room, arms crossed, trying your best to appear stern despite the fact that the entire room smelled of her and it was making you want to crawl up in a ball on the floor, like a cat waiting to be cuddled.

"come here," she said, voice calm yet commanding.

"Bite me "

"I said come here."

"And I said bite me."

"If you come here then maybe I will."

You rolled your eyes but did as she said.

"Now what?" You asked in the most pissed-off voice you could muster.

Natasha saw right passed your macho behavior, knowing exactly what you needed from her. She grabbed your wrist and pulled you down onto her bed next to her before getting on your lap and wrapping her arms around your neck

"Now you let me make you feel good, sweetheart." her warm breath caressed the shell of your ear, making the hair at the back of your neck stand up as goosebumps started to spread all the way down to your spine.

She slowly pulled off her sweater and you groaned when you realized she wasn't wearing anything underneath, immediately sitting up to suck on her nipples.

A groan tumbled over your lips when her nails raked through your hair, gently scratching your scalp. Your hands touched every inch of flesh they could find, trailing up and down over her back, making her whimper.

Thoroughly enjoying each other's embrace, her impatient fingers moved down your torso and tugged at your shirt. Your lips curled into a smile against her to let her know he got the message. Within the blink of an eye, your shirt was gone and her lips were back on yours, devouring you as if you were her very last meal.

Your hands played with her tits as she started pressing kisses against your neck and down to your chest, pushing you back down on the bed.

"Stay down for me, handsome," she whispered in that low, sultry voice of hers.

She peppered your entire chest with soft, warm kisses, not leaving an inch of your body untouched. You laid back comfortably in her fluffy pillows and you felt your entire body relax. You enjoyed the view of her crawling down your body and unbuckling your belt. Natasha's plump lips moved down to your stomach and started kissing along the trail of hair growing down to your pubic bone as she pulled down your pants and boxers, revealing your growing cock. Her nails trailed over your skin sporadically, leaving goosebumps wherever they touched. Just as you noticed you had begun to smile to yourself, you got pulled from the cloud you were happily floating on by a sharp pain on your hip.

"AH!! Did you just bite me?!"

"'I'm a lady of my word."

Before you could scramble away from her, she licked a ferm stripe up your cock, all the way from your balls to your tip. You let out a low groan that quickly turned into a steam of moans as Natasha started bobbing her head up and down. She wasted no time, hollowing out her cheeks and swirling his soft tongue over your leaking cockhead, absolutely devouring you with all she had.

One of her hands reached down to play with your balls. Gently squeezing the soft flesh blindly while her eyes stayed focused on yours. She moved her hand to yours, guiding it to her head and throwing a wink at you. Your fingers quickly tangled in her hair as you pushed her down a little to take your cock deeper.

"Oh fucckkk...." you moaned, feeling your balls draw up as you got closer and closet to your peak.

Natasha kept sucking you off like her life depended on it as she moved her free hand down between her legs to play with her sopping pussy, messily rubbing her clit she started moaning on your cock. God she loved the taste of you, she simply couldn't get enough, it was making drip.

Both of your moans got louder and your hips started bucking up in her throat. Every square inch of your body was on fire.

Nat took her mouth off you for a second and stroked your spit-covered dick as fast as she could.

"Please, cum for me...m'so close..." she whined, making you realize she's been touching herself while sucking your cock.

"shit....please...gonna cum..." you moaned desperately

"Yeah? Cum down my throat while I cum on my fingers....shit..." she whined before taking you back in her mouth, immediately letting your cock slide deep down her throat as she choked on it.

"Fuck Nat I'm gonna cum!" you yelled, "You're gonna make me cum! You're gonna...I'm gonna...Oh fuck..fuck, please! Don't fucking stop...ah!"

And she didn't, she kept sucking your cock as she touched herself, and when her body started trembling from her own orgasm you finally couldn't take it anymore.

You came down her throat while she came all over her own fingers. You trembled and whined as she gently suckled on your cock, swallowing every last drop of your cum.

You tried to blink away your tears until they finally rolled down your cheeks, you tried to calm down your breathing as you layed there, trembling on her bed.

"What do you need, baby?" Natasha finally spoke, sitting up between your legs and softly stroking your thighs.

It took a while for your breathing to calm down, you didn't even know why you were crying to be honest. You just felt like you were experiencing a lot of emotions at once, and it was pretty intense.

"A fucking hug." you finally spoke.

Nat giggled at your reply before scooting over to sit next to you, leaning against the headboard.

"Come here."

Slowly, you crawled into her open arms, curling up against her into a ball with your head right against her bare tits.

Surprisingly, Natasha was very soft and sweet, not at all what she was usually like with you.

She rubbed your back and just laid there with you, enjoying each other's warmth and the comfortable silence that had settled in the room.

You couldn't help but let out more tears, softly sniffling into her chest as you clung to her.

"shhh" he whispered comfortingly, pressing a few kisses to the top of your head. "It's okay, l'm here. And you did so so good."

For the next few minutes, Natasha just held you, until you were ready to talk to him about what exactly it was that got you so overwhelmed.

After some time, you sat up and just looked at Nat. At her eyes, her nose, her mouth.

You leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against her lips.

"Thanks," you said.

"For letting you cum down my throat?" she joked, trying to get rid of some of the tension.

"For the care," you replied, meaning what you said.

She just smiled at you.

You didn't even know what to say. Never in your life have you expected Natasha to be so caring, especially not for you.

"Wanna shower together?" she suggested, leaving you even more stunned.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with Natasha Romanoff?"

At first, she giggled at your reaction, but then her face grew a little more serious.

"I wanna be here for you for more than just fucking. The whole cat and mouse game was fun while it lasted, but seeing you the way I saw you today, so exhausted you could barely stand up straight. I never wanna see you like that again, baby. Unless of course, it's my doing." she added smugly before pressing another kiss to your lips.

"There she is again." you chuckled against her lips.

After some more kisses and giggles, you decided to accept Nat's offer and you took a long hot shower together, followed by some much-deserved cuddles and a movie you never saw the end of because you drifted off, with Natasha happily snuggled against your chest.

#gummydummy19 #fanfiction #fluff #smut #marvel #smutty thoughts #natasha x male reader #natasha romanoff #male reader #male reader fics

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bettyfrommars · 5 months

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hi loves

a wee announcement/bit of reflection below the cut

nothing heavy, just some thoughts & updates

First of all, I want to say I love this fandom so much. Truly I do. It has carried me though possibly the hardest, loneliest year of my life (and this ol' girl has been though some dark times). I've made friendships here that I hope to cherish for the rest of my life.

I came into fanfiction in October of last year, after not writing anything substantial for almost a decade. My dear friend at the time said she was looking for a specific Eddie Munson story, so I wrote it for her. I wrote it in first person because I didn't even understand how "reader perspective" was a thing, that's how wet behind the ears I was to this world. My friend, on the other hand, is a well-versed fic reader, and I distinctly remember messaging her like, "okay, what the hell is a Y/N??"

I spent that entire dark, cold winter writing and passing it to her in parts like notes in a classroom. The rush of getting back to something I loved so deeply after so much time away turned me into a monster. I lived and breathed that story. We sent endless messages back and forth every day about what each character would do next, imagining ourselves in that world, with Eddie. We made playlists, we cried. We screamed and giggled and kicked our feet when they finally kissed. We mourned the loss when it ended and moped around a bit before going back to read it all over again. Some 40k words and four months later I realized, holy shit, I think I write fanfiction now?

In a way, fanfiction saved my life. It brought me back to a part of myself I had buried, a part of me that worried it might never see the light of day again. It came crawling out of the ground, gasping for air like, "you better stretch your fingers bitch because I have a lot to say."

In April, I started posting here when the fandom was notably beginning to wane, but I was happy to see there were so many still going hard for our man. I kinda creeped in, like a little scuttling crab, and was grateful to find that a handful of you embraced me.

Long story short, I am NOT leaving, not at all. I know the tone is there, but that is not what this is, lmao. I will hopefully keep this blog for as long as you will have me. I plan to finish writing I'm on Fire and Death Becomes Us, as well as maybe another bit for gargoyle!Eddie, and nightmare!Eddie, but the other series I've started (or planned to start) will stay on hiatus for a while, possibly forever. I will continue to post blurbs and hc's and whatnot, but I won't be committing to any new series or long fics.

My masterlists will remain intact for the time being for those who want to enjoy what is there. That being said, The Nightmare Factory and Stop the World and Melt with You, might be taken down in the future only because I plan to re-work them into original stories. I have a second non-fandom blog in the works that is dedicated to monsters, nightmares, and magic realism, and I will let those who are interested know about it when the time comes.

Mostly, I wanted to let you know that, even if you notice some changes, I will continue to persist with "My 2 Joe's" delulu era, possibly until the earth swallows me up. I am no longer taking requests, but my asks will always be open for thots, blurbs, obsessions, etc. You know how much I love hearing from you.

That's all really. Perhaps this is simply one of those "end of year" thought dumps, but I also wanted to say a heartfelt Thank You to those who continue to support me, enjoy my work, and share it. My Ride or Die monsterfuckers and biker Eddie enthusiasts. My nightmare Eddie dreamers, my Twilight Zone Eddie pineapple heads. My gargoyle Eddie romantics who cheer on our Stone Boy, and my Hybrid Steve lovers who leave their windows open at night. My True Blood friends who appreciate a vampire Eddie who is nothing like Bill Compton. My darlings, my fellow rebel rousers and misfits, my friends.

This is a very symbiotic relationship, and I could not/would not do this without you ❤️

#Betty thoughts #delulu for life

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keets-writing-corner · 29 days

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I read the lucilith thing you wrote. Holy shit. It took all day, and there's only two fucking chapters but it took all day.

I've never read anything that felt so "canon," that's the only way i can put it. It felt just like it was written into the script of a far away season in the actual show.

You're insane at writing bro. I don't rlly know much abt you but I was able to find this blog and I js wanted to let you know (hope you find this ig) how fucking good that story is.

Can't wait for chapter 3.

If I had time to draw rn I'd be drawing a huge bearhug to the anon symbol, maybe later today tho?👀

[obligatory link to fic if any followers of mine have missed it]

Anon this is THE BEST start to my day! WTF THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! It warms my heart that people like you are enjoying my writing so much!

Yeah I... have a bad habit of making projects way to big for my own good. I JUST HAVE SO MANY IDEAS DAMMIT in the past I've solved that issue by going, "this fic can only have x amount of chapters" and that's worked. This time I told myself only 5, and my brain just went "but no word limit right?" and now it's starting to look like each chapter is going to be 20-30k words 💀 and each one is taking me about a month to complete... I actually started writing chapter 1 end of january, start of february and I only posted it end of february. Chapter 2 similar thing... BUT so many people are really enjoying it! So it's worth it right?

hey

you

come closer

you want a sneak peek of 3? This is about a page into the start

__________

High pitched ringing was all Lilith could perceive at first. Eventually, as time passed, she became aware of more things. The air smelled foul. She was laying atop something soft, but underneath the soft layer was the hardest rock she’d ever felt. As far as sounds, it seemed like there was a faint rumbling in the distance, but nothing extravagant.

Blearily, she managed to open her eyes.

Lilith was face to face with Lucifer who seemed to be unconscious, just as she had been moments ago. The soft layer she was on was his wing, with another one lying limp on top of her.

She sat up slowly, groaning. Her body ached and her joints felt sore. The wings that were on top of her, slid off.

There was something grey drifting down from the sky, and apparently, she and Lucifer had been laying there long enough that a thin layer of it had started to build up on them. Well, mostly Lucifer. Up until now, she had been safely shielded by his wings.

Lilith gave him a nudge, “Lu, wake up,” she told him before moving to stand herself.

The sky was a deep blood red. Any clouds that formed were either grey or black. The ground too, the harsh rocky terrain she and Lucifer were on was also a dark grey. It was now that she realized, she and Lucifer were dead center in a crater of sorts.

That’s when the previous events all rushed back to her. Heaven attacked them and cast them down into, what was it the elders called it? Hell? Lucifer desperately shielded and protected her from the vicious onslaught and then from the impact of the fall itself.

Now with the full context, Lilith rushed back to Lucifer who still remained on the ground, “Lu?!” Lilith pushed back the wings that were covering his body, and unveiled multiple wounds from heaven’s attack. The blood had long since dried, and Lilith realized she too was covered in Lucifer’s blood. His wings were also covered in his blood as heaven viciously skewered them to prevent him from flying back out. His once flowing robes were all but tatters barely clinging to his form.

Panic now fully setting in as she realized he looked even worse than when he had fallen from heaven and wasn’t even stirring, not even a little. She couldn’t even hear him breathe raspy breaths like he had last time.

“Lu! Say something!” Lilith immediately cradled him.

His head immediately rolled back limply as she pulled him to her. Lilith needed to readjust her grip on him in order for his head to lean against her torso gently.

He had protected her… From everything. But the final blow had been the fall. If what little Lilith had experienced from the fall due to his protection had been enough to temporarily knock her unconscious and make her sore then… What must it have felt like to take the full brunt of it??

Tears began to build up in her eyes as she recalled him assuring her that she’d be okay. He had been unable to stop the crash, so he did everything he could to make sure she was going to be safe. Suddenly, it made sense why he had repositioned himself underneath her, to cushion her fall with his own body.

“Lu?!” she called again, “Lucifer!”

He remained still and unresponsive.

Lilith’s breath hitched in her throat. He couldn’t be- he wouldn’t- this couldn’t have… killed him???

Lilith pulled him tighter to her, choking back tears and shook with rage against heaven. Why push her and him into that crevice?? All this because he wanted to help her and Eve but that was against the rules apparently?? Weren’t they supposed to be good?! Weren’t they supposed to be kind?! And what could she have done while the elders attacked? She had been powerless to help! Worse… They used her to lure him into the hole. As Lilith held him and choked back sobs, it occurred to her that he still felt warm.

The faintest, slightest bit of hope fluttered in her, and she pulled away to get a better look at Lucifer. He still was completely still, and unresponsive but… maybe…

Lilith leaned her ear against his chest, hoping for what seemed to be the impossible.

Faintly.

Very

very

faintly

She could hear it. A heartbeat. Even fainter, she could hear a weak rattling breath from deep in his chest.

He was alive…

He was still alive!

Lilith pulled him into a hug, cupping the back of his head and holding him tightly. Her tears now weren’t from grief but relief. “You’re going to be okay,” she whispered to him, “It’s going to be okay…”

__________

anyways, this was an absolutely LOVELY start to my day ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ would love to talk to people about it if they want

thank you so much for coming to find me and leaving me this lovely comment!

#anon ask #hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #lucifer #lucilith #fan fic #COMPLIMENTS #ASHHHHHASFLKADSFKLMLK #THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY #At long last #my creative writing degree is fulfilling its true purpose #making people cry on the internet #jk #gonna be in such a good mood today #best thing to wake up to I swear

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chipped-chimera · 4 months

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Just wanna say sorry to people over the past month ... months? That tagged me in WIP Wednesdays, I'm sorry I haven't really been doing much of anything creatively, feeling kinda rough 💀 But thank you so much of thinking of me, I love seeing everything that you do!

Partial? Explaination/Life Update under the cut I guess.

Hi! Hello. First off, thanks for being interested. It warms my heart people care about me so much, that I've made an impact and people are happy to see my stuff. I wish so badly I could be making stuff like this all the time! Doing those things (whether art, or modding or just my dumb screenshots) and seeing people enjoy what I was making really got me through the hardest parts of this year.

This year has been a massive turning point in many ways. It just hit me I MADE this blog this year like, holy shit guys! I've felt so welcome in the Cyberpunk 2077 space and consider a lot of people my friends, whether we talk outside Tumblr or not. I'm just so happy to see your posts and your thoughts! 💖 For someone who just through how life shook out to end up really socially isolated irl, you guys have helped form the bedrock of a place I can come back to that always makes me feel better.

It's why I wish I did more. That I could contribute to that more and in turn, maybe help someone else as much as it helped me. But it's hard. Really hard.

I have realised a lot of things about my life in recent months, and I think it's a good sign - that I'm in a more solid place mentally to unpack things that have been sitting boxed up for years because I was just too exhausted to deal with them. They've both been great to unpack ... but painful at the same time. It's kind of in moments like these my passion to create things starts to suffer. It's hard to muster up enough motivation sometimes to just do what I want to do because I'm constantly struggling with a brain and body that just doesn't do what I want it to do - and that fact often makes me feel even worse and want to do even less.

I'm kind of stuck in one of these spirals at the moment. I have some idea of the way out but ... I don't know. This might be a period of grief for myself or something. It took me a long time to realise I'd been lying to myself about a lot of things - stuff I'd did out of necessity for survival at the time, basically becoming water and pouring myself into whatever mold I thought would be safe, that people would like me in. Online spaces, that I carefully curate, detached from any real-life connection have been my home in the absence of feeling myself for so long - especially as the world around me shrank.

I'm hoping in the new year, as me and my psychologist start working on the C-PTSD that apparently had roots way, way deeper than I could even imagine - things might get easier. I'm hoping like hell that maybe my fatigue is connected, that it'll ease - because to finally, finally be in a place with a supportive parent who is attentive and I have the words to explain what I need, and for that to be respected - to finally be myself - only to be held back by my brain and body because the damage went so deep I just can't is agonizing.

I'm gonna keep believing that this is just the bottom of this mountain, this turn around point. It's gotta be, I feel like my entire life has been leveled. And I know it's not going to be easy to climb back up there, repair the damage, get where I want to be. I don't even know if I'll get to where I want to be but ... at least I'll be myself. For the first time in my life.

So um. Thank you. For being around. For being my foundation through this. Wish you guys all the best for 2024, and I hope I'll be able to share more cool things with you soon 💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Kery

#kerytalk #love you guys

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bonesandthebees · 10 months

Note

omg OMG dont even get me STARTED on honey and tangerines

i've genuinely been meaning to reread it this summer, THAT FIC IS ONE OF MY FAV THINGS IN THE WORLD... THE VIBES-

like okay yes almost all of ur fics are my fav in the world, but honey and tangerines hits DIFF man

i started that fic thinking the main conflict was going to be crimeboys, and then angelduo came in with a sledge hammer holy shit

dude. that convo in chapter eight SMACK CAMMED ME SO HARD

i remember reading the summary and being like "ooo!! skateboarding", i didnt even clock how the part with phil could be ominous man like-

oooh boi

[takes a deep breath]

im getting emotional thinking about it rn, i havent read this in so long ohmgyod i miss this fic:(

side note before i get into my full mental breakdown over the ConvoTM, i never wanted to learn how to skateboard till i read this fic lmfaoooo

idek why, i was just... never interested, even my bf was like YOO ITS SO COOL and i was like Eh

and then i read this chapter and i was like "... maybe it Can be cool"

brooo BROOO

okay yeah that convo...

i think it's the hardest i've cried reading any of ur fics, normally i tear up and yknow do my whole Pterodactyl screech, but i dont often full blown cry, but holy shit man. Honey and tangerines? I'm pretty sure I bawled.

uh oh im crying again rereading this scene BROO ITS JUST SO WJEAFOIAWEOIRJAWEROIAWEROIWAERJAWEOIJRWAOIERKJLWERJOIWEJWEARIJ

im in pain again

anYWAYS

god this fic is actually the greatest fucking thing in the world i love it so much bee u have no idea bro i adore it to my core :(((

i dont know how to describe it but ooohh my goodness

i just :(( idk i love indie vibes a lot

like... one of my favourite movies is Perks of Being a Wallflower. Indie movies are really important to me bc it just :( it makes me feel like My life will be okay, if their life works out. and... slice of life vibes are just the best

and honey and tangerines is the perfect fic to ever indie vibe, the playlist, the little fluff moments, the climax, everything about it is perfect. i can't describe how perfect it is. i adore it sosoosososososososoosososoo much

i also can... oddly relate to tommy in this fic, more than i thought. my mom didn't have mental health issues but I did have to take care of myself more than I was supposed to when I was younger, and there were a lot of parallels in this fic even though the situations were completely different, that it just... hit a lot harder for me than most fics normally do. especially like... i have a half sibling that i have a super complicated relationship with and crimeboys in this fic almost reminded me of it.

i just :(( honey and tangerines is so so important to me, and it's also just beautifully written, content aside. i love the prose in it. the way you describe everything feels so natural and real. i felt truly immersed. i lose sense of what's around me a lot quicker than i normally do when i read fics. it just instantly grabs my attention.

god, it's written so fucking well.

another way it's affected my life is after i read the laundromat chapter, it gave me the courage to ask my bf to dance w me for the first time. as i've always loved dancing but i've always been super shy about it. but reading that scene just filled me with such joy, that i had to ask my bf, and now it's one of our fav things to do :))

idk man like. wf is the fic that first made me obsessed with your writing. stars is one of the most well written and impressive things i've ever read and heyyy sandduo centric babyyy. also the WORLD BUILDING IS SO COOL. what the water gave me is the fic out of all of ur fics that makes me the most emotional /pos. a dusty tomb is my personal fav comfort fic, it's so fucking cute i love it so much (and the clinic prequel is same vibes as well). ur vamp fics are addicting as hell to read.

but honey and tangerines is the fic that's affected my life the most <3

(god sorry for the long rant, this was not meant to be this long LMAO SFDKAJ)

honey and tangerines was such an interesting fic for me to write because it connected to my irl life in so many subtle ways. I put those nods into my life in a lot of my fics, but honey and tangerines was the one most directly based out of my own life although it was mostly just the concept of having ex step-siblings that I pulled from. I also thought the main conflict was going to be crimeboys going into it, although I knew I wanted a focus on angelduo as well. but then as the story progressed I understood tangerines!tommy a lot more as a character, and his relationship with phil just expanded into so much more. I'm so happy with how it all turned out, and I'm sorry for all the tears I made you shed lol

(this response got long oops so I'm gonna put it under a cut)

you totally get my love of coming of age/slice of life indie movies. I've always been a big movie watcher, and nothing hits quite like a really well done coming of age film. ironically though, the perks of being a wallflower was one I originally wasn't a movie I was very impressed with the first time I saw it. it wasn't until I read the book and then rewatched the movie years later that I was like oh. I think for me two coming of age indie-type films that really hit for me were Lady Bird (because the relationship between Lady Bird and her mom hit very close to home in certain spots for me), and this one called Cha Cha Real Smooth. Cha Cha especially hit for me bc it's about a 22 year old who just graduated college and is trying to figure out where to go now, and I watched it only a few months after I'd turned 22 and graduated college and was floundering for what to do next. so yeah, that one helped me in the same way you described with the whole "maybe my life will work out like theirs" sense.

I'm so glad I was able to capture those vibes in the aesthetics of it all. that was half my motivation for writing it ngl. I just really wanted to try and capture that summertime haze with the descriptions and the playlist and all of it.

I'm sorry you could relate to aspects like those in the fic, but I'm also really glad it was able to provide a source of comfort for you <3

that's so sweet that you asked your bf to dance with you after reading the laundromat scene!! and the skateboarding too is so cute. I'm gonna be honest I do not know how to skateboard nor have I ever had a desire to learn, I just liked the aesthetics of that scene lmao. I hope you've been having a really good time dancing and skateboarding with your bf since though :)

icyfox aaa you're so kind though seriously thank you for all of that. one of my favorite parts about having this 'audience' (for fanfic lmao but it's an audience nonetheless) is hearing how the stories I create for my own joy impact your real lives. like, it's just amazing to me the reach my words can have, and I'm so happy you were able to get so much out of this story. ty for this it made me smile a lot

#ask #icyfox17 #honey and tangerines

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randalsgrave · 1 year

Text

Sweetness and Light: Part Four

Holy absolute shit you guys. I definitely didn't think this would take as long as it did, but uh... 3 months. Yikes. Anyway. I seem to be on this trend of increasing my page count with each chapter, because this one totaled out at 20 pages. I don't think I've ever written that much for one chapter of anything in my life. On the plus side, though, it's pretty much entirely Bob and Katie goodness so THAT'S a vibe👌

Week one starts off about as gracefully as you'd expect it to at TOPGUN. The week, of course, isn't without its bright spots.

BobxFemale!OC. F/C: Kacey Rohl

Word count: 7.3K

WARNINGS: colorful language; not beta-read (we die like men); minor editing

Recommended soundtrack: Turnin' On the Screw - Queens of the Stone Age

***

Week one of training begins with all the grace and elegance of a first-time pilot - that is, to say, rather abruptly and artlessly. Everhardt isn’t there to coddle them with flowery words of motivation and compliments; he’s there to train them, to turn them into the precise, dead-eye warfighters the Navy needs them to be.

Still, no one’s expecting him to throw them into the fire the way he does.

It’s simple, he says - there will be four areas of instruction, with three weeks of focus dedicated to each one. The first block will focus on air-to-surface; the second on section; the third on division; and the fourth on basic fighter maneuverability, one-on-one sorties - dogfights.

The last block is what has the class raising a collective eyebrow. Everyone’s read up on the curriculum, researched the course of TOPGUN at one point or another; BFM is the first component of the course, the first thing everyone is expected to master in their time at North Island.

Everhardt, however, doesn’t see it that way. “The likelihood of you ever winding up in dogfight situations… You probably have better odds of being struck by lightning,” he explains one morning during lecture. “BFM is the exception, the ‘in-case-of-emergency’ set of skills you are expected to have - but likely not going to use. You learn this last under my instruction because, if all else fails, you still have your skill as a pilot to fall back on. However, we’re not here for ‘if all else fails’; we’re here to learn, refine, and master, as much as it takes to perfect ourselves, so that we don’t wind up in those situations.”

And with that, Everhardt not only introduces the class to air-to-surface tactics, but he sets the pace and the tone for the next 13 weeks. We are here to learn, refine, and master.

And they do. For 12 hours a day, they split their time between class lectures, labs, and hops in their fighter jets (and even then it’s sandwiched between pre-ops and post-ops debrief), working in that endless loop of learning, refining, mastering. Sweating. Straining. Struggling. And that’s not even including PT three times a week, or any of the other trivial Navy bullshit they deal with regularly. It’s just work, on and on and on.

It’s unlike anything they've done before. Katie - and everybody else, no doubt - looks back on the hardest shit she’s been through, and it all just pales in comparison. OCS? Basic flight training? SERE? It doesn’t hold a candle to TOPGUN, to the paces Everhardt is already putting them through. Two days into the course, they’re already zooming thousands of feet above ground, “dropping bombs” and zeroing in on targets with a precision that’s expected of them in 20 years’ time, much less 20 hours.

And it’s done, over and over and over again, with this team and that team, in a seemingly-endless cycle of exhaustion and brain-ache, and goddamn, if they all aren’t frazzled by the time they’re halfway through week one. Hell, even Melendez is gassed three days in, and that’s saying something.

Still, they all know the hardest, the worst, is yet to come. They’re practically hanging on by the seat of their pants, waiting for it to hit them.

They’re here to learn, and by god, they will learn - but there’s no doubt they’ll get their asses handed to them in the process.

And every single one of them would be lying if they said that they weren’t nervous.

***

It’s Saturday, the first training-free day they have in North Island. For many, today is a day of rest and relaxation, a day of recovery after the paces Everhardt has already put them through.

For Katie, it’s the complete opposite.

While the sky normally calls to her, today, it’s the mountains that do it. She’s up and moving by 07, fresh-faced and bright-eyed for the day of adventuring before her. Coffee’s already racing through her veins like lightning, her hair is double-braided and headbanded, and her backpack is stocked with water and enough granola and trail mix to last her a full day. It might be a little overkill for someone with her level of hiking experience - but given what she’s planning on hiking, she might well need all the snacks she can get.

The only thing that’s missing now is someone to hike with.

She grabs her phone off its charger on the nightstand, fires off a blast text. It’s nothing spectacular - a quick blurb reading “Hey, it’s Sand Trap. Planning on driving out and hiking Pyles Peak soon. Anybody wanna tag along?” With how early it is and how much of a beating they took on yesterday’s hop, Katie’s not expecting much of a response, if any.

At first, she’s right. Her first reply is from Fanboy, a brief “Gonna pass, too tired. Thanx tho.” Her second reply isn’t even a reply, really - more of a notification that Halfpint’s left her on read. After that, it’s one response or the other from the few other classmates she’s gotten phone numbers from.

Fuck it. Clearly, no one else is up or interested. Looks like Katie’s on her own for this.

And then her phone dings with another reply.

It’s from Bob. “Sure,” his response reads. “I’ll need a few minutes because I just woke up, but I’ll go.”

Well, how about that. There are signs of life.

Katie smiles softly as she picks up her phone to reply. “All good,” she types. “Can meet you downstairs if you’d like.”

“Sounds good. Should I bring/pack anything?”

“Water, for sure. Snacks if you got em, but if not I have plenty of trail mix and granola.”

“Okay. Yeah, I don’t have anything so I’ll take you up on the trail mix offer.”

“No worries. I’ll see you in the lobby in 5.”

“Okay.”

And just like that, Katie has herself a hiking buddy. Even better, it’s Bob. She’s been meaning to interact more with him; he may be more on the quiet side, but he still strikes her as someone with a lot to say - and honestly, she wants to hear what it is. She’s already looking forward to this immensely.

She shoulders her backpack, grabs her keys and sunglasses, and heads for the lobby, palms drumming an absentminded rhythm on her thighs as she rides the elevator down. She wonders if Bob is as avid of a hiker as she is, wonders if he’s looking forward to this hike just as much as she is. Curious, indeed.

Downstairs, she’s the only one in the lobby who isn’t staff - but not for long. Two minutes after making herself comfortable on one of the couches near the front desk, Bob appears in her line of sight, wearing a loose gray t-shirt, gym shorts, running sneakers, and what looks like a Camelbak swollen with water, looking for all the world like he’s still trying to wake up - and good lord, if Katie doesn’t find that just the tiniest bit adorable.

“You weren’t kidding about just waking up, huh?” Katie asks with a chuckle. “You look like you’re still half-asleep.”

Bob groans, removes his glasses and swipes a hand across his eyes. “I definitely feel it,” he replies, voice deep and heavily laced with sleep. “The hike’ll help. At least, I think it will.”

“It will. You’ll probably be tired afterwards, but at least you’ll be awake during it.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Awesome.” Ignoring the semi-awkward pause in conversation, Katie lets her gaze drift towards the breakfast bar in the back corner of the lobby, curls her bottom lip thoughtfully. Food-food sounds like a good idea… “You hungry? Wanna eat before we head out?”

“I’m good. I’m rarely a breakfast person to begin with, but it’s even less so this early in the morning.”

No pre-hike omelet for her, then. Oh well.

“You ready to go then?”

“Yeah. Whenever you are.”

Katie only grins before nodding to the door and in the direction of the parking lot, a silent “shall we” that cues him to follow.

And follow, Bob does. Katie feels less like she’s walking with a friend and more like she’s leading a pet along for a lap around the neighborhood. He’s still reserved and guarded; that much is obvious.

Hopefully, this hike with her will help him break out of his shell.

She glances over as they’re walking through the parking lot to the 4Runner, takes note of the two cartoon-style lightbulbs on Bob’s t-shirt with a smirk on her face. “Nice shirt,” she comments.

Bob looks down at his shirt, almost as if he forgot what he’s wearing, then smiles. “You like Queens of the Stone Age?”

“I only know a couple of their songs, but I like the ones I’ve heard. Guessing the lightbulbs are from one of their albums?”

“Yeah, they’re from Era Vulgaris. It’s one of my favorite albums by them.” He pauses, seemingly contemplates whether or not he should say what he’s thinking. Katie has to resist reaching out, resist putting a hand on his shoulder and urging him to speak. C’mon Bob, talk to me.

Thankfully, he sucks in a breath and goes for it. “I’ve got it downloaded on my phone. We could listen to it on the way. Only if you want to though, I don’t wanna impose-”

“I’d love that. Let’s do it.”

“Oh. Um, okay then. Cool.” Bob’s looking straight ahead with his brows furrowed - and hell, Katie can hear the wheels in his brain turning, whirring. He clearly wasn’t expecting that reaction from her - and now he’s looking like he’s not sure where to go next.

There has to be a reason for that.

“You seem kinda’ surprised,” Katie observes as they climb into the car and she turns the key in the ignition.

“Hm? About what?”

“That I said yes.”

Bob blinks, purses his lips. The wheels in his head are turning again. Spinning for a reply.

“I dunno,” he finally answers with a shrug. “Usually I get laughed off or brushed off. Your reaction’s kind of a first for me.”

Well. There’s something she wasn’t expecting.

“I find that a little hard to believe.”

“You’d be surprised,” Bob replies simply.

There it is again - the gnawing in her stomach. The hurt she feels for him. It’s strange, she thinks. She’s known Bob for a grand total of a week; why she’s feeling her heart bleed for him like this is a mystery to her.

Her mouth twists and she contemplates for one, two, three seconds as she maneuvers them out of the parking lot. “Well… fuck ‘em then,” she says after a moment. “I wanna hear what you got, so…” Her lips curl upwards in an encouraging - if not slightly daring - smile. “You gonna throw that album on or what?”

Bob’s eyes immediately flash. Before she knows it, he’s got his phone hooked up to her bluetooth, and the opening notes of Turnin’ On the Screw are beating forth from her speakers, setting the tone for both the album and the half-hour drive ahead of them. It’s punchy, off-beat, and bold, definitely not the shoegaze Katie regularly listens to, but who cares? The sound of this is different and she likes it.

When she tells Bob as much, his eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

“Yeah, they’re kind of mad lads with their sound,” he explains, blue eyes practically sparkling behind his glasses. “I don’t know anybody besides Josh Homme who can make an out-of-tune guitar sound good. It’s actually pretty nuts what he’s capable of.”

And he’s like this the whole drive to the Pyles Peak trailhead. Bob is practically a subject-matter expert on this band, from the original lineup and album release order, right down to the history of each song and hell, even the meaning of all the lead singer’s tattoos. Anything and everything there is to know about this band, Bob knows it. Katie’s impressed, to say the least. She can’t ever think of a time where she was able to recall several dense bits of information in a small time frame. The fact that this guy can… Hot damn.

It’s more than that, though. Bob’s just… talking. Engaging. Suddenly he’s a far cry from the socially pained introvert she spent lunch with on Monday. He’s at ease, comfortable. Hell, he’s animated, voice louder than normal and the gestures of his hands speaking just as much as his words. No doubt the choice of music is playing a part in that, but in any case it brings a small smile to Katie’s face. She likes seeing this side of him.

They make it through the first five songs of the album before they arrive at the trailhead, the sun brightening and cresting over the mountain sightline. On one hand, Katie has half a mind to have Bob continue the album on his phone as they hike; it’s been a rollercoaster of new sounds and she’s not quite ready to get off it yet. On the other hand, though, with her life and current day-to-day goings being as noisy and busy as they are, the thought of peace, of nature-induced quiet, makes her almost breathless with anticipation.

Nah. Queens of the Stone Age can wait for a bit. Right now, she just wants her, Bob, and the sounds of the mountain trail.

Speaking of Bob… He’s out of the car, fumbling to loop his arms through the straps of his Camelbak, blue eyes following the snaking path of the trail. “So this is it… How far is it to the summit?”

“Last time I looked, I think it was a few miles one way. Once we hit the halfway point, we can stop and figure out if we wanna keep going or call it.” She readjusts the pack and straps bearing on her shoulders with a breath, then looks back at Bob. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

It’s all the go-ahead Katie needs to begin their long, slow, arduous trek up the trail and into the mountains. She steps off, steps measured and slow enough for Bob to keep up, hands on the straps of her backpack and eyes roving left, right, left, right, taking in the scenery around them. The plant life is low to the ground and scrubby, pale green and dusty brown - quite unlike the mythical forests of her home state, or the woods of the east coast.

“It’s so dry,” Katie comments to no one in particular.

Drifting close behind her, Bob chuckles. “Welcome to SoCal. The scenery here is pretty much opposite of what we all grew up with.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me… Where are you from, anyway?”

“Kind of all over the place.”

“Lemme guess - military brat?”

“Oh yeah. 12 years of moving here, there, and everywhere before dad finally retired and we settled down.”

“Nice. Where’d you guys wind up?”

There’s no missing the slight glower on Bob’s face when Katie turns to ask him. “Middle of nowhere Georgia, unfortunately.”

“Ah.” The smallest hint of a smirk tugs at Katie’s lips. “That explains the twang then.”

“Oh god, I hope there isn’t a twang. I fought picking up that accent so hard.”

Katie snickers, pinches the space between her thumb and her index finger. “There’s a tiny bit of a twang,” she grins. “Just a liiittle bit.”

Bob returns the grin - sort of. It’s heavily tinged with exasperation. “Guess I gotta work on that some more then.”

“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a Georgia accent. I think it’s kinda’ nice, actually.”

“Well, I’m glad you do,” Bob grunts as they begin their climb up a steep incline. “I personally don’t like it. It makes me think of all the backward-ass pricks I went to school with.”

“Fair enough; don’t wanna be associated with them.”

“Yeah. Besides,” he continues, “I think of myself as being more from Washington, anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm. Most of my dad’s family is from the Walla Walla-Prosser area. That, and I was born at the Naval hospital in Bremerton. It’s felt more like home for me than anywhere else - which is weird because I haven’t lived there since I was a toddler, and I don’t really have memories of it, aside from, like, fuzzy images of trees and a dog and my dad in his winter blues and… I dunno… I…” Bob’s face suddenly flushes red and he just stalls, the words dying on his lips as his eyes dart down to his feet, bashful, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I get carried away sometimes, and the last thing you’d wanna hear on a hike is me babbling for no good reason.”

Make that three times this week that Bob Floyd has made Katie’s heart twinge.

Her head shakes vigorously. “No, no! Don’t be sorry! You’ve got nothing to be sorry about!” She pauses, considers her words carefully, finally settles for a soft smile that reads ‘please trust me’. “I like listening to you talk.”

Bob blinks. Really?”

“Yeah. The stuff you’re talking about is interesting. You also sound relaxed and comfortable. It’s nice.”

And god damn it, I mean it.

Another pause, right before Katie purses and quirks her lips to one side of her face. A subject change might be in order.

“You do a lot of hiking, Bob?”

There’s a momentary glimmer in his eyes, one of relief. The attention’s still on him, but it’s a little less intimidating than what it was a moment ago - and based on what his eyes did just now, this is a topic he’s much more comfortable talking about. “Uh, yeah, actually. I only really started doing it when I first got stationed at Lemoore, but I try to do it every weekend.”

“Sweet. Where do you go? Or where have you gone, I guess.”

“Well,” he starts, “I’ve already been to Yosemite and Kings Canyon, plus all the stuff close to base.” His brow furrows for a second. “Technically I’ve already been to Big Sur, but there are so many different parks and trail systems down there that I can’t really consider myself ‘done’ with it.”

“Oh man, Big Sur… That whole area is on my hiking bucket list. Like, between the mountains and the redwoods and all that…”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful. Definitely one of my favorite places in California.”

“Honestly, I might see about sneaking up there one of these weekends. Bring along some camping gear, hang out in the trees…”

“Lemme know if you do,” Bob says. “I’ll probably go with you.”

Man oh man, Katie would be lying if she said that the thought of that didn’t make her heart stutter.

“I’ll, uh… I’ll keep you posted.” She coughs, pushes ahead, puts distance between the two of them so he can’t see the flush creeping across her face. Where in the hell is that coming from?

“Please do.”

“Promise I will. Now c’mon, we’ve got a mountain to climb.”

***

Three miles in, Bob and Katie are standing atop Cowles Mountain, in equal parts admiring the view sprawling below them and deciding whether or not they want to continue on. Whatever decision they make, Katie is ultimately glad she thought to bring two bottles of water; there’s been a lot of up-and-down movement on the trail, and the sun is hanging high in the sky, pounding down on the two of them. This is just a bit rougher than she thought it was going to be.

She tosses a handful of trail mix into her mouth, contemplates. “Y’know, we are standing on a mountain with a nice view. We totally could call it good right here.”

“But…”

“But… I did promise Pyles Peak, which is supposed to have an even nicer view. So” - Katie looks back over her shoulder at Bob, who’s currently wiping away the sweat on his brow with his sleeve and sipping water from his Camelbak, quirks an eyebrow at him - “whaddaya wanna do?”

He takes another long pull of water, ponders, shrugs. “Well… I’ll happily take whatever I can get, but if you wanna keep going, then I’m happy to tag along.”

Power of decision goes back to Katie. And as beat as she may be from the first half of the hike, she knows what she wants.

She smiles, reshoulders her backpack. “Let’s keep going, then.”

Bob nods wordlessly before coming up beside Katie and matching his pace to her slow, easy one. “How far is it to the actual summit now?”

“‘Bout two and a half miles,” Katie replies. “The trail has a bunch of rollers before it goes into the summit incline. It’s a little rough-going at the end, but all the reviews I’ve read about Pyles Peak say that it’s worth the rough stuff. Sounds like some of the Appalachian trails I’ve hiked, if you ask me.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it. Appalachian Trail anything is brutal.”

“Yeah.”

They fall into a nice, easy silence, their focus on the ever-dipping trail and the footsteps they take. Left foot, right foot, left, right, left right left, slow and steady. At this point in the hike, it’s about all either of them can really concentrate on.

Until…

“So, uh… Why do they call you Sand Trap? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Katie’s face splits into a beam. Stupid as the story is, she loves telling it.

She clambers over a large cluster of rocks, pushes upwards and onwards with a single labored breath. “You remember Pensacola, right? How that place was a massive breeding ground for stupid antics?”

“I… guess?”

“Did you ever go to Flora-Bama? Or Seville’s?”

“Eh, not really. Wasn’t my thing.”

For a moment, it seems like that’s all Bob’s going to say - and damn if that doesn’t throw Katie off just the slightest bit. She’s never met a pilot or NFO who didn’t engage in some form of Floridian stupidity. How the hell is she supposed to explain this now?

Her silence and the stumped look on her face must do a number on Bob; suddenly he looks panicked, like he screwed up real bad, and his mouth goes off running a million miles a minute while he tries to salvage the conversation. “I knew a lot of people that went, though!” he all but blurts out. “I heard all of their stories about how crazy it was!”

“Oh… Okay then, that works.” Boy, she’s learning all kinds of things about Bob Floyd today. “Well…When I was in basic flight training, me and some friends hit up Seville’s and Flora-Bama in one go one night. Drunken fuckery happened. Like, a lot of it. So much, in fact, that I woke up hungover, in a sand trap, on a golf course the next morning. No clue how I even wound up on a golf course.”

“Oh my god, really?”

“Yeah, really. Classmates never let me live it down.”

“That is… Wow. That’s kind of awesome, actually.”

“Mine’s not even the craziest,” Katie continues with a snicker. “We had a guy in our class get stuck with ‘Lord Farquaad’ as his callsign. He, uh, had a tendency to sacrifice wingmen. Totally didn’t help that he was the shortest guy in our class, too - like, five-four short.”

Bob juts his chin out and makes a face that Katie can only describe as pompous. Oh boy, she can already tell where this is going.

“Some of you may die,” he says in a grandiose voice, “but that is a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

He’s a walking music encyclopedia AND he can quote Shrek on command. Katie knew he’d be a good one to be friends with.

“All right, my turn.”

“Shoot.”

“Why is your callsign your name? Seems kinda’… uncreative.”

Bob visibly stiffens, and Katie isn’t sure if it’s because she’s caught him off-guard or because it’s a touchy subject. Both, probably. Shit, please don’t clam up on me, not now.

“…Is it okay if I ask that, or…?”

“Yeah no, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. It’s… it’s kind of a long story.”

It’s the same reaction from day one of instruction - not rude, not at all, but… closed off. Almost dismissive. This is something he’s not comfortable talking about with her, not yet. Katie can only hope that he eventually reaches that level of comfort with her, but until then…

He must sense the inner whirring of her mind, because he glances over at her with a small, tired but reassuring smile. “It’s not you, it’s just… It’s a lot.” He pauses, tilts his gaze skywards in thought. “I’m sure it’ll all come spilling out some other time.”

And that’s that; that’s all he’s going to say on it for now. Katie’s heart sinks a little bit at the realization, but she shrugs it off and presses on. Whether or not he wants to talk about it is ultimately on Bob, not her. He’ll get to it when he gets to it.

Hopefully.

“You good to step up the pace a little bit?” she asks, effectively ending the conversation before it has a chance to turn awkward.

“Uh, yeah. That’s fine.”

“I’m sorry; normally I like taking my time on hikes but it’s starting to get hot out here.”

“Hey, no complaints from me. It’s your hike; I’m just here for the ride.”

“Yeah, well, I’d still like to not bust you up in the first week.”

“You won’t. Trust me, I can handle it.”

“If you say so.” Her stride lengthens and her steps quicken, just the tiniest bit - not enough to blitz ahead of Bob, but enough to step up the pace and really get them moving. Just get to the top, that’s all she wants now.

She’s willing to bet that Bob isn’t far off from that sentiment, either.

She sucks in a long breath, forces it out with a single exhale, and pushes on.

Time to climb this rock.

***

It’s half ‘til noon when Bob and Katie finally reach the summit of Pyles Peak, out of breath, sweaty, and sufficiently red-faced. The sun is hanging directly over them now, without a cloud in sight to break up the beams beating down on them. Katie has no doubt that she’s going to come out of the hike sunburnt as shit, but right now, she couldn’t care less. They made it up the mountain.

And oh boy, is it worth the suffering.

In her 27 years on earth, Katie has seen some pretty spectacular views from high places. Virginia has offered panoramas of the Appalachians in ways she never would’ve imagined - and Oregon? Good god. Her home state has arguably the best views in America and she’s gotten to experience every single one of them in their prime. Few things - very few things - can top the vistas and sheer glory she’s witnessed.

This one, however, comes pretty close.

On top of Pyles Peak, it’s a whole other world. The entirety of San Diego is laid out before them, gently rolling suburbs and grid-like urban areas, stretching and fading into the vastness of the Pacific Ocean off in the distance. It’s tranquil, peaceful - and undeniably awe-inspiring.

“Would you look at that,” Bob murmurs, the reverence clear in his voice. “Can see the whole city from up here.”

“Beautiful, innit?”

Bob nods, then chuckles to himself. “Can almost see my house in Lemoore.”

“Har har.” With a rather unceremonious grunt, Katie all but flings herself onto one of the boulders in the middle of the outlook, legs dangling haphazardly over the front of it. “God, it feels good to sit.”

Bob doesn’t quite collapse on the boulder the way Katie did; he seats himself quite neatly beside her, arms pillared on either side of him to keep himself upright - but his back rounds, sags even. When he exhales the long breath he’s apparently been holding, it sags even more. Clearly, this hike has taken just as much out of him as it has out of Katie.

“You’re right,” he says, “that does feel good. Oh man…”

Katie snickers, digs through her backpack for her water and some granola. “Told you.”

“Wonder what the return trip’s gonna be like.”

“Eh, let’s not think about that right now, yeah? Let’s just process that we’ve climbed two mountains today.”

“Yeah, fair enough.”

The conversation soon dies away, and for a while, silence stretches between the two of them, comfortable silence, save for the sipping of water and the quiet crunching of granola. It’s silence that Katie appreciates; she now has an opportunity to put her brain in neutral, to let it wander.

It’s a rare moment, being able to just sit and ponder. With her line of work, it’s always do, do, do, always go, go, go. For as much as she loves what she does, sometimes Katie wishes that it didn’t have to be this way. Hell, it probably couldn’t be this way; she can’t think of anyone who could permanently sustain that level of constant motion.

But, if she’s not doing this for the rest of her life, then… What is there?

Maybe that’s why she asks the question that’s started floating in her head.

“You ever think about what you’d do if you weren’t in the Navy?” Katie asks, eyes on the expanse of land below them.

Bob shrugs, takes a pull of water from his Camelbak. “Sometimes. Not sure what I’d do, though. This job is all I’ve ever wanted, really.”

Katie can understand that. Life as a fighter pilot just makes sense to her; it always has. Most days, she’s like Bob and can’t really imagine doing anything else. Up here in the mountains, though? She sees another life, another free existence. Up here, even when she’s tethered to the ground, she feels like she’s flying. This is home just as much as the clouds are.

“I think I’d find a way to hike for a living, or be a park ranger or something.” Hell, anything to tie her to the land, to the trees and wilderness. Anywhere that she can’t be found easily.

Anywhere that she can’t find her easily.

“Park ranger would be cool. Where would you wanna work?”

“...Probably Mount Hood. Or Crater Lake. I mean, any one of the national parks would be amazing, but… I think I’d wanna stick to the ones from back home.” Shockingly.

“Mount Hood…” Bob’s eyebrows furrow, the name visibly tumbling, rattling around in his head as he tries to connect it to an unknown point B. “...Oregon?”

“That’s the one,” Katie smiles.

“Never woulda’ guessed you’re from Oregon.”

“Surprise. Born and raised in Portland.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah…” Clearing her throat, Katie rolls up the right sleeve of her t-shirt, revealing a small, but detailed panorama of the Mount Hood sightline tattooed along her inner bicep. “I haven’t been home in years, but home’s always with me.”

She makes it a point not to elaborate on how long ‘years’ is. The exact number is wrapped in truths and memories she can’t afford to dredge up, not now - and certainly not while she’s with someone as sweet and unassuming as Bob Floyd. Would he understand? Who knows. Katie’s not going to find out. At the end of the day, it’s all just drama, sob stories.

And that’s probably the last thing he wants. Damn certain it’s the last thing Katie wants.

No one likes a drama queen, Katherine Mae, NO ONE.

“...Sand Trap?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

A furrow of her eyebrows. “Yeah, I’m fine. Is there something wrong?”

“No, just… You had this really intense look on your face all of a sudden and… I dunno, you looked like you were mad.”

Katie’s heart lurches in her ribcage. Fuck. It seems her thoughts made their way onto her face just now.

Defensive, now - “No no, not at all! I’m just…” Now her brain is turning somersaults, scrambling for a reply that’s equal parts honest and deterring. “I dunno, I’m…” Jesus Christ Garland, SPEAK - “I guess I’m just wiped from the climb up.”

There are lame excuses, and then there’s whatever the fuck Katie just came up with. There’s no way Bob’s buying it; the slightly furrowed look on his face tells her as much. Still, whether it’s because he’s too much of a gentleman to pry or because he wouldn’t know where to start or what to ask first, he doesn’t comment on it, something that Katie is deeply grateful for. She knows it’ll come up in conversation again and that there will be no avoiding it when it does - but she can at least avoid it for now.

She diverts, switches subjects. “You okay with taking a picture with me?” It’s a bit of whiplash, but as far as she’s concerned, it’s the best course of action at the moment.

If it weren’t for the fact that they’re the only two people on the summit, Katie’s certain Bob would’ve glanced around in search of someone else. He doesn’t even need to speak for her to know what’s running through his head and across his face: “Me?”

“They’re keepsakes from the places I’ve been,” she explains, right before a wry smirk makes its way across her lips. “And, y’know, proof that I’m not a loser with no friends.”

Bob opens his mouth to speak - no doubt to brush it off or to self-deprecate in some way. However, he surprises Katie when he closes it instead, and nods. “I could probably use my own proof too, honestly.”

“That’s the spirit. C’mere.”

Bob complies, hopping up on the boulder and squatting behind Katie with a closed-mouth grin on his face, while she throws up a peace sign with one hand and makes a scrunched face. One tap later, the ascent up Pyles Peak is immortalized on Katie’s phone.

“Started from the bottom, now we here,” she quips as fires the picture off in a brief text to Naomi. “Literally.”

“Aren’t those the lyrics to a song?”

Katie shrugs. “Probably.”

“Thought as much.” As Bob rises to his feet, a wince slips from his mouth. “Oh god, my legs - y’know what, I’ll definitely take you up on food now. This hike was rougher than I thought it was gonna be.”

“Thank god, I was hoping you’d say that…” Katie purses her lips together in thought, surveys the horizon from their perch atop the mountain. “You oughta know this - what’s the west-coast equivalent of Waffle House?”

“What is it with you and breakfast food?” Bob laughs.

“No, it’s not a breakfast food thing! I just… I’ve been out in Norfolk for the last three years, and there’s always been a Waffle House close to everywhere I’ve gone hiking. Kind of a ‘post-hike’ tradition, you know? Bust your ass climbing up the side of a mountain and reward yourself with a bunch of carbs at the end of it.”

“All right, you got a point there. Um… Denny’s, I guess?”

Katie makes a face. “Bugh, Denny’s?”

“Hey, it’s low-cost breakfast food, and it’s probably cooked by a guy with a cigarette in his mouth,” Bob replies with a shrug. “What more could you want?”

“You do realize that you don’t go to Denny’s; you end up at Denny’s, right?”

“People ‘wind up’” - fingers crooked in air quotes - “at Waffle House, too.” He hops down from the rock he’s been perching on, turns to Katie with a smirk on his face. “I mean, c’mon, like any of us have never wound up drunk at Waffle House at 2 AM.”

“Whatever happened to ‘drinking’s not really my thing’?”

“No, Flora-Bama and Seville’s weren’t really my thing. There’s a difference. Trust me, I did my fair share of drinking in BFT.”

“Why Lieutenant Floyd, you troublemaker!”

“Oh, I’m the troublemaker, miss ‘night of drunken stupidity’, miss ‘somehow wound up blacked out on a golf course’?”

“Damn Bob, you didn’t have to call me out like that,” Katie retorts with a laugh. “All right then, what were your chosen spots for weekend debauchery?”

“Old Hickory, mostly. Sometimes O’Riley’s. Places where I was less likely to run into a bunch of rowdy E-2s and E-3s.”

Katie grins smugly. “Or rowdy ensigns.”

“That too. God, sometimes they were worse than the enlisted guys.”

Bob slips off his glasses to wipe away the sweat and grime around his eyes. Katie can’t help but stare when he does. He’s quite handsome, Bob. Not that he wasn’t handsome to begin with, but without the glasses to break up the lines of his face… Wow. If Katie didn’t know any better, she’d say she’s been hiking with an old Hollywood star this whole time. The wavy, windswept golden-brown hair, the bright blue eyes, the strong jaw…

“You okay?”

Blink. Blink. “Huh?”

“You looked like you zoned out.”

Oh god, he’d caught her staring. Christ, it’s a good thing her face is already red from exertion; she’s pretty sure it would be turning beet-colored if it wasn’t.

“Sorry,” she mumbles sheepishly. “You kinda caught me off-guard there.”

“Oh?” He readjusts his glasses, perched once more on the bridge of his nose. “What do you mean?”

Oh my god, this isn’t happening, is it?

“I mean… You look different without your glasses, is all.”

“Well… is that a good thing?”

Oh, Bob.

She lets a small smile creep across her face. “Yeah… Yeah, it’s a good thing.”

Bob doesn’t seem to really react to the admission - not in any blatantly obvious way, anyway. Katie does, however, glimpse a slight puff of his chest out of the corner of her eye. And that? That really makes her smile.

They loop around the boulders to the mouth of the trail, looking at it with a mild sense of dread curling in their stomachs. Doing almost five and a half miles in one direction is one thing - but doing it twice? Oh man.

This is going to suck a bit.

And it does. Funnily enough, though, the return trip goes by a lot quicker than the initial climb to the top of Pyles Peak. Probably because we’re desperate to be done with it, Katie muses to herself as they make their way back to the trailhead.

Three hours and ten minutes later, they’re finally back where they started - and though they may be worse for wear and drenched in more sweat than they would’ve thought possible, there’s no stopping the grins from spreading across their faces at their accomplishment.

“So, what do we think?” Katie asks as they walk - or, rather, hobble - their way back to the 4Runner. “Pyles Peak: worth the ass-kicking or not?”

Bob wheezes out a chuckle. “Dunno. Can’t really decide if I don’t have a brain - and I’m pretty sure I left mine somewhere on the mountain…”

That merits a snicker from Katie. “Means it was a good hike, then.” She pauses to fish her key ring out of the front pocket of her backpack, unlocks the car with a click of her button fob. “Of course, if you wanna make it a great hike, then you gotta have a massive plate of food at the end,” she says as she all but flings her backpack into the back seat area.

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah. Where I’m from, it ain’t successful unless you have the food at the end.”

“Well, I’m still up for Denny’s, if you are.”

“Oh same. I know what I said earlier about Denny’s versus Waffle House, but I’m absolutely starving right now, so I’ll happily take you up on Denny’s.”

“Good.” Bob pulls his phone out of his pocket, searches for restaurants in the nearby area. “There’s one 20 minutes out. It puts us a little further from base, but-”

“That’s fine with me; let’s do it.” She hops in the driver’s seat and starts the car up, slumping in the driver’s seat with a blissful sigh as cold air whirls through the car. She’s only like this for a moment, though, before she’s sitting back up, and maneuvering them out of the parking lot towards their designated food spot. It’s been a long day, and she’s gone long enough without much to eat.

She turns to Bob, smirk on her face as they hit the main roads. Time to pick up where they left off earlier.

“Now then, where were we with that Queens of the Stone Age album?”

***

It’s closing in on 1600 when Bob and Katie make it back to the Navy Lodge, bodies and minds sated with carb-laden breakfast plates and good conversation. While the rest of the lodge patrons are getting ready for or are on their way to an evening of excitement and socializing, the two of them are ready to call it quits. Pyles Peak was a lot longer and more intense than either of them realized; even with the large post-hike meal, their bodies are exhausted beyond repair. Long rest is an immediate necessity.

When Katie says as much during their slow - very slow - amble to the elevators, Bob nods wearily in agreement.

“Gotta say,” he chuckles as they step inside one of the cars, “I’ve done some intense hikes before, but you? You’re hardcore. That was the longest hike I’ve ever gone on.”

Katie knows Bob’s being good-natured about it, but she’s unable to stop her face from contorting into a wince. “I promise I wasn’t trying to break you - or me, for that matter.” If the dull aching in her legs is any indication, she came damn close to it. She severely underestimated that hike.

“No harm done. I’m just not gonna have a good time at PT on Monday.”

“Make that two of us,” Katie chuckles weakly.

It’s a short ride up in the elevator. Within seconds of stepping on, it dings and jolts to a stop at the third floor. The two shuffle off, make their way down the corridor to Katie’s room, swaying, drifting close to each other. The distance is a lot smaller than the arm’s length they started the day with, Katie notes absentmindedly.

“Thanks for inviting me,” Bob says during the slow walk. “Pretty sure I would’ve spent all day holed up in my room if you hadn’t said something.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” Katie replies, lips curled in a gentle smile. “I had a great time with you. You’re a good hiking buddy.”

“I try to be. Honestly, I should do it more often.”

The words hang in the air, open, inviting, tempting. It’s a golden opportunity for someone to jump on them and make a move of some sort. That’s not the surprising part.

What’s surprising is how fast Katie seems to jump on it.

“Well, I’m always up for it, so… anytime you wanna go, lemme know. I’m happy to take you with me.”

The corners of Bob’s eyes crinkle as a smile spreads across his lips. “I’d like that.”

They’ve long since arrived outside of Katie’s room, and now stand opposite each other before the white-paneled wood door, looking, staring - and god, if it isn’t the strangest, but most intriguing thing. Today’s hike was only the second time they’ve spent time together, and yet, it felt like they’d been hanging out for years with how easy, how relaxed their interactions were. It felt… nice. If this is what it felt like after a week of acquaintance and two social interactions with him, Katie’s eager to know what the feeling’s like after another week or two, maybe three.

She’s gonna need to hang out with him more.

And one look at the blue eyes behind the wire-frame glasses tells her that he’s thinking the exact same thing.

“I’ll, uh… I’ll see you later then.”

Yeah, you will.

“See you later, Bob.”

“See you.”

Then, Bob turns, walks off down the hall, and disappears around a corner.

And Katie? Katie shuts the door with a quiet click, and leans back against it, a tired, blissed out grin blooming on her face.

It’s a grin that sticks with her for the rest of the weekend.

@thestagsheadsblog @everything-i-love-in-life @luckyladycreator2 @docdetective

#top gun maverick #robert bob floyd #bob floyd #bob top gun #robert bob floyd x female oc #female oc #lewis pullman #bob my beloved #movies #film #fanfiction #top gun #top gun: maverick #top gun 2

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xiaq · 3 years

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Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years

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hey sex witch, wondering if you have any advice on how to deal with feelings of shame about kinks you have? (especially ones considered to be on the weirder end of things)

hi anon,

that's a hard one, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it :(

whenever someone - myself included! - if feeling down and out about the sense that they're a bit of a sexual oddity, I find it helpful to remember that what's "normal" has fluctuated wildly throughout human history, and is never more than temporary at best.

I mean heck, in much of medieval Europe cishet men who never had sex with anyone but their cishet lawfully wedded wives in missionary position with the intent to reproduce could still be considered a bit deviant if they were suspected of enjoying sex too much! human beings are beautifully varied, but unfortunately one thing that many of us unfortunately have in common is that we love to judge other people and will find almost any excuse to do so.

even more unfortunately, that frequently even includes judging ourselves. hell, that can be the hardest kind of judgement to unlearn! I'll be the first to admit that while I spend all day every day encouraging people to radically accept their bodies exactly as they are and advocate for their health and desire without shame, I still frequently find myself looking at my own abysmal sex life and wondering what in the actual holy hell is wrong with me.

... the point being, making peace with who you are and what you want can be hard, but not impossible.

as with many other facets of the self, it can be easier to accept something about you by first accepting - and even loving it! - in other people. if you have any interest in exploring kinky social groups, either online or in person, I'd definitely recommend looking into it. I cannot emphasize enough that this doesn't even need to be a sex thing; I've been to kink meet-ups that were firmly pg and fully clothed that took place in a sports bar's back room over plates of chicken wings. tons of nice people, hanging out and catching up and occasionally veering very casually into conversations about their interests in being tied up/beaten/electrocuted/etc. even for someone who shouts about sex as much as me, it's refreshing to be in a space where people are so upfront and frank about the shit they're into!

it's also definitely worthwhile to spend some time doing some major unpacking within yourself. sorry if journaling isn't really your bag, but I would definitely recommend taking some time to ask yourself some serious questions and answer them in as much or as little detail as you need. things to think about could include when you first started becoming aware of your kink(s), when the feelings of shame arrived, what you believe might have spurred those, and how you can untangle or outright refute those sources of shame. were you taught to fear your sexuality? well that's not going to work, it's a part of you as much as your sense of taste and your skin and your ability to dream. have you run into the notion that there's something particularly immoral about your particular kink? look, dude: as long as everyone's given informed consent, you can do whatever the fuck you want when you fuck. just because it's not many people's cup of tea doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people who do enjoy it.

of course, tackling all that alone can be a tall order, especially if you're finding that the roots of this shame run deep. a little therapy never hurt anyone, and there are plenty of therapists out there who specialize in matters of sexuality and even kink. if you're in the US, like me, you can start looking for options through the directory at AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists) and KAP (Kink Aware Professionals).

there's probably, you know, a lot of work and some tears that will have to go into this, because very few people can just magically will their shame away overnight, but I wish you the very best of luck in your journey and hope you'll remember that there's nothing wrong with being turned out, even if it is by something on the weirder end of things. I hope you can reach a place where your kink only makes you feel good (or bad, if that's what you're into, but bad in a more fun way).

#sex edventures 2022

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blueeyedheizer · 4 years

Text

Alive Again - Billy/Four x reader

TW: Language, Blood

--------------

"Eight, I need a hand !"

"Well I'm kind of busy right now. Why don't you ask Five?" You spat, still keeping an eye on your target from behind your sniper rifle. Four groaned at your answer and you rolled your eyes, holding your weapon firmly.

"Come on Eight, now's not the time to be a little bitch! I need backup!"

"Fuck you, Four."

"For God's sake can you two shut up already? I feel like i'm working with actual children!" One barked from the other side of the mic, and you could tell he was definitely getting angry at your childish attitude. There wasn't a day where you and Four weren't fighting, and every mission ended with you two yelling at each other for the silliest reasons.

"Eight, you go help Four, end of discussion." One continued.

"I'm on the other side of the goddamn building, how the fuck am I supposed to make it without dying !" You yelled, clearly loosing your patience as well.

"Two's got you covered, you're not dying today, got it? Now get a hold of yourself and go!" You let out a loud sigh and checked your surroundings carefully before running reluctantly towards the opposite direction of your target. You hated being given a task out of nowhere. You weren't very self-assured so everything you did had to be planned or you just weren't ready for it. The thing is, One didn't seem to get it and that pissed you off more than anything.

Your race against time was abruptly interrupted as soon as you stepped inside one of the building's luxurious rooms; a guard bursted in the room at the same time as you and aimed his gun at you, his finger firmly placed around the trigger.

That's it. I'm dying today. You thought.

The guy took a step closer to you, the grip on his gun tighter than it was seconds ago making you hold your hands up in defense.

"Drop your gun." the man threatened and you shook your head no.

"I said drop your fucking gun!" before you could even process what was happening, a loud bang was heard and the man's dead body fell on the floor, making you scream. His head was half gone and he was already laying in a pool of his own blood. You let out a scream in horror. "Holy fucking shit!"

"You're welcome." Two said, exhaling a deep sigh of relief. "Almost missed him." She tried to joke, but you weren't in the mood for that. Without letting yourself think too much, you swallowed hard and started running as fast as you could. You were used to seeing dead people since you joined the Underground but it was never easy to witness. You might have been declared dead but your feelings definitely didn't die with that part of you.

"Why did I get myself into this?" you whispered to yourself before continuing your way to find Four. You couldn't help but have some regrets about joining the Underground. Watching your family mourn you at your own funeral was one of the hardest thing to do, and you often felt like all of this wasn't worth it. Most of your missions were complete disasters, and the fact that all of you were still alive to this day was a miracle.

After running for what seemed an eternity, you finally reached the opposite side of the building where Four was supposed to be.

"Alright asshole, back to you. Where are you?" you called.

No answer

"Four! Do you copy?"

"Eight-." his mic was crackling. He was in trouble. Just by hearing him say your code name, you could tell he was breathless, almost struggling to speak. You let out a gasp when a bullet flew right next to you, and you rushed to the closest safe place you could find.

"Shit! Guys, I think I'm surrounded."

"Yeah, there's three guys hot on your heels, but I've got them in sight. They won't follow you for too long. Keep running." Seven answered and you nodded before going back to making your way inside the building. "Four i'm gonna need some indications. Where are you?"

Still no answer.

"Four?" Your heart began to race when you heard fighting sounds and screams of pain coming from your mic.

"Eight...please, help..."

"I'm on my way. But I need to know where you are. Give me a hint. Anything you can tell me."

"He's gonna kill me."

"Fuck's sake...Just hang on. I'm coming to you." The mic made another crackling sound and then went silent.

"Guys we've got a problem" Three interrupted.

"God, what now?" you answered, your heart beating faster with every passing second.

"The cops are everywhere, we have to go now. They'll be surrounding the whole building anytime from now." You started running faster, being careful to check if every corner around you was clear.

"Eight, you have to come back. We're running out of time." One said through the mic.

"No, fuck this. I'm not leaving anyone behind. Just go without me, we'll find a way to get back to you guys."

One let out a sigh and rubbed his face with his hands. He was definitely not approving your decision but chose to let you handle the situation anyway. "Alright. Good luck. Don't die."

You closed your eyes tightly, realizing what you were doing. You were walking right into the lion's den, and you got yourself into it on your own.

Quickly, you dashed behind a wall, hiding from any potential enemy. You tried to catch your breath but your bulletproof vest was making it harder. After a few seconds, you peeked around and made your way towards a corridor where you could hear punches being thrown along with some loud crashing.

You finally found Four after what felt like an eternity. He was being beaten up horribly, and you could hardly believe the scene in front of you. Four looked completely helpless, the pain was so unbearable that he didn't even bother screaming for help. You immediately grabbed your gun and shot the guy on top of him, and you heart sank at the sight in front of you. Four's face was covered in bruises, and dried blood matted his hair against his forehead. You held out your hand for him to take and told the team you'd found him. One, Three and Seven were arguing on the other side, but you weren't listening.

"You good?"

Four groaned and grabbed your hand, standing up painfully. "Yeah."

"What the hell happened?"

"Since when do you care?" he spat and you scoffed, trying to hide how hurt you were after hearing those words.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go. We're running out of time"

----

Back to the HQ, you were sitting in front of your trailer, watching as Five took care of Four's multiple bruises. You couldn't help but feel angry at the sight of them being together. Was it jealousy? No. It couldn't be. You let out an unintentional scoff when you heard her laugh at something Four had said.

"So....Have you two fucked yet?" Two asked, taking a long drag of her cigarette and getting you out of your thoughts. You choked on your drink, making her chuckle.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Wha- Why on earth would I want to fuck him? I can't fucking stand him." you spat, throwing a cold glare towards his and Five's direction.

"Of course you don't. You just risked your life for someone you hate, nothing weird 'bout that. I would definitely do that too." Two answered as a smirk appeared on her face.

"Oh, fuck off Two. I don't like him. He's- he's selfish, self-centered, ungrateful and he's- he's....he's just a fucking asshole!" You yelled. Two was taken aback by your reaction, not expecting you to take her teasing so seriously. Everyone was looking at you, including Four and Five, and you'd never felt so exposed before. You could feel your cheeks began to burn so you shook your head and went inside your trailer, slamming the door shut behind you.

You were laying on your bed when you got startled by the sound of your door opening. You sat up and groaned when your eyes met Four's.

"Haven't you heard of knocking? What do you want?" You got up from your bed and walked to the opposite direction of him, turning your back at him.

"Five told me I should say thank you for saving my life so, here I am." he was standing awkwardly in front of the door, his hand buried in his pockets. You scoffed.

"Yeah whatever. You're welcome, I guess. Now get out."

"What's your problem, Eight? Seriously. What's this all about?" he suddenly spat, making you turn around. "What did I ever do for you to hate me so much?" he added.

"What's my problem? I risked my fucking life for someone who wouldn't do the slightest for me, that's my goddamn problem !" you yelled, not even caring if the others could hear you. Tears were threatening to fall from your eyes but you fought hard to hold them back. Four stayed silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. He broke the silence after a few seconds.

"You know that's not true, Eight." his voice was soft. So much softer than it had been only a moment before, which only made you want to cry harder.

You scoffed again and shook your head. "Oh come on. You and I both know it's true."

"Eight, come on..." Four took a few steps towards you and reached for your arm but you pulled back quickly, as if his touch would burn your skin.

"Y/N."

"What?"

"My name. It's Y/N."

Four could see how sad and broken you were, and to his own surprise he found himself wishing he could make all your pain go away. You two just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say. Four was obviously not expecting this when he walked into your trailer. He thought you'd be fighting again like you always did, but finding you so broken was the very last thing he expected to be confronted to. This time you were the first one to break the silence.

"I'm not the person I used to be." You confessed. "I can't even recognize myself and I don't know why I act the way I do." You choked out, as Four watched you with a sympathetic expression. "I'm so fucking pathetic I just-, I'm so sorry."

"Come here, Y/N." He opened his arms for you and you walked into them without hesitation, not caring about anything else at the moment. Him calling you by your real name was enough for you to let go and put all your bitterness aside. No one had ever held you since you joined the Underground, this being one year ago. But that's all you needed. To know that you were still a human being, worthy of being loved and cared about. You allowed yourself to sob against Four's shoulder, something you never thought you'd ever do.

"I just want to feel alive again."

#fourbilly #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #6 underground #six underground #four x reader #billy/four #billy/four x reader #billy x reader #blueeyedben

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maybl00d · 4 years

Text

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22860742/chapters/54638836

Calm before the storm. (Ch.1/?)

Your name is MSPA Reader

And it has been your exactly 2,395th try at getting back home and you don’t mean earth, you can go there when you want, you mean back to the trolls you first met, teleporting back and back again and you will always be met with the same t-posing figure telling you to GO BACK.

The powers you gained during this whole debacle confused you, were the powers from that cue-ball asshole Or were they from something else entirely?

Another try of jumping back to your old friends sent you flying back onto the familiar cold metal floor as before. You want to cry, to scream into the void that won't let you have the one thing you want to go back to.

But you can't, it's impossible...doesn’t mean you won’t stop trying.

Hell, you’ll even be Zebruh’s matesprit if it means you can go back.

But you can’t.

You can’t force yourself to choke the tears back to see some of your new friends, for once you’re not in the mood and really didn’t want to bother them, all things considered.

How did things get so fucked up in the first place, you wish that you could just fall into the void and disappear.

You zap back to your only place of comfort while the tears stream down your face, the abandoned outpost which you call home. You remember the time you invited Polypa to your rundown hive, her displeasing look with the place was warranted, the screws and bolts keeping the place together were rusty but still held all this time...even now.

Walking through your hive you’re met with the only thing your hive still managed to have in all this, a bundle of clothes and blankets that acted as your sleeping quarters.

The jumper and your palm-husk filled with messages from your old friends are the only things you have left, on countless occasions you've tried to text them back but sadly they didn't go through,

Your friends stopped texting after three pedigree’s which makes sense, they probably think your dead now and you feel like such an ass.

Mallek’s texts were the ones that hit you the hardest, Hey are you ok; or Did I piss you off, please talk to me;

The fact that you couldn’t text back brought another river of tears, you couldn’t even tell him how you- it doesn’t matter.

The sun was rising so you shut every blind until the room was in complete darkness.

Slipping your knees into the oversized hoodie and wrapping a couple of blankets around yourself you fell asleep to the Alternian birds chirping outside.

Salutations we do seem to be in a bit of depression now don't we?

Oh fuck off you slender man rip off, leave me alone.

Ah, Ah, Ah now we don’t use language like that now do we, I've already been such a gracious host haven’t I, I might just be able to give you a chance to go back to your friends.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Ah, I've piqued your interest now haven’t I, how about we make a deal.I'll let you go back to your friends as long as you do something for me in the future and don’t worry, nothing too bad but I insist you cooperate.

What do you need?

I'll let you know in time, now I need an answer deal or no deal?

What’s the catch?

Only one thing, but I'm sure that it won't stop you from reuniting with your friends. Now, do we have a deal?

Fine bu-

Splendid, I'll be in touch...goodbye.

Everything went dark, you couldn’t hear the sounds of the crickets chirping anymore just the sounds of ominous growling in the distance almost like an echo.

You felt a sharp pain in your head then another in your stomach, until your whole body felt like it was on fire.

You wanted to scream and shout for anyone to make the pain stop, but nobody came.

Silence…

…

The Alternian moon rose once again, you thought to yourself that talking to Doc scratch had been some kind of fever dream.

You didn’t know what you’d do today, maybe laze around with Feferi, make a new friend, or spend the day trying to teleport to your friends.

Yeah that sounds good, it's been over 2000 times but hey who’s keeping count YOU, psh Nah.

Slipping the blankets off your shoulders, you stuffed your hands into your hoodie and walked into the ablution trap. The hallway is illuminated by the moonlight.

The hive looks somehow less old?

Turning on the lights you looked...into the...mirror.There was a troll on the other side of the mirror that had the same...hoodie as you…copying your movements.

You screamed.

Holy shit, this has to be some sort of nightmare right!?!?, right!?!

How the-why were you a troll, looking down to your hands they weren’t your normal skin colour but grey, looking to the top of your head was a mop of black hair but somehow looked thicker? on top were a set of horns in the shape of an F with the right horn back to front. you checked your mouth and you had sharper teeth now, wild.

You almost faint at the sight of yourself, you wonder what your blood colour is now that you've subsequently changed species during your sleep.

Looking around for something sharp to prick your finger onto, you examined your teeth, perfect!

Slowly bringing a hand up to your teeth you quickly poked your finger onto it until you can feel liquid oozing out.

Crimson, so some things don’t change.

Stepping out of your hive and walking into the city you explored with Daraya you were met with trolls that when you passed by them didn’t do a double-take because of your appearance, now you just kinda...fit in?

What's going on?

-----

Your name is MALLEK ADALOV

You're out and about in the streets of Thrashthurst instead of being inside like an introvert, Snakedad thought it would be best ever since you've cooped yourself up into your hive.

Things were kind of depressing since your little alien buddy left, the thought of them laughing at your dumb hacker joke brought a bittersweet smile to your face,

Then you spot someone...wearing your hoodie and you almost run over thinking it's your lost flus-friend, nailed it.

But you stop yourself when instead it’s a troll, and anger bubbles inside your abdominal sausages.

You think you know what happened to them.

And it makes you want to cry.

—————

A/N: you might want to read this chapter on ao3 so you can see doc scratch’s highlighted text, I thought I’d just post it here :)

#hiveswap friendsim #fanfic #mallek friendsim #hs mallek #mspa reader #mallek adalov #homestuck #homestuck fanfic

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gummydummy19 · 1 year

Text

Not now

Summary: You and Steve are major enemies with benefits. You can hardly be in the same room together, let alone an elevator...

Content Warnings: smut, mean Steve, angst, fluffy ending (you know me), LANGUAGE!

A/N: This fic is one of my favorites out of everything i've ever written. Almost a year after losing my first blog, including most of my fics, I was able to recover it :)) I hope you enjoy

Word Count: 3.4K+

It had been a long, exhausting day. You weren't even supposed to go on any more missions until next week, but Fury decided to wreck your Friday and send you on your hardest mission yet. Your body ached and you just wanted to crawl into your bed as soon as possible. So when you saw Steve approaching the elevator, you silently prayed the doors would close before he got in. You just couldn't deal with him right now. Not now.

Of course, luck wasn't on your side today. Steve pushed his muscular arm in between the doors just as they were about to close, joining you in the space that suddenly felt too small.

He smirked widely when you noticeably rolled your eyes.

"In a hurry?" he asked.

"Just tired." You dryly stated.

"Yeah, I can tell. You look like shit" He teased.

To be quite honest, you were fairly sure Steve hated you way more than you actually hated him, but you weren't about to let him know that.

You and Steve started this whole enemies with benefits thing a while ago, and somewhere along the way, you starting finding it harder and harder to keep up the hating game.

Sometimes you just wanted someone to talk to, to watch a movie with, to hold you after you'd a long day like this.

Admittedly, hating each others guts resulted in some mind blowing sex. Steve might be an arrogant ass most of the time, but he was still the best you've ever had, and you didn't wanna throw that away just because you were getting a little needy. So you decided to just suck it up and stick with what you did best, annoying him until he fucked you stupid.

And it had been working out just fine, but today you were exhausted with an extra dose of PMS, and he looked so good in his white cotton shirt, he had been growing out his beard lately and his hair was a little messy.

You could barely look him in the eye, desperately trying to come up with a snarky response, but your brain failed you as the only thing you could think of was how good it would feel to be in his arms right now.

He frowned, clearly confused and quite frankly annoyed at your lack of sass.

A groan rumbled in his chest and in one quick movement, his fist hit the emergency button, making the elevator halt.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" You snapped

"ME? What the hell is wrong with YOU? Did I fuck you stupid last time? What's going on?" He yelled.

Steve had noticed the change in your behavior lately, and he didn't like it.

His words made a blush creep up your neck and you silently cursed your body for betraying you.

You knew Steve thrived off your attitude. You were the only one who ever questioned his authority, it kept him on his toes.

He took a step closer to you and you immediately took a step back, not knowing if you could do this much longer.

Desperately trying to match his stern energy you snapped back at him.

"Why the fuck do you even care?? Talk about being fucking pussy whipped, Rogers."

"That's what you'd like, huh? For me to fuck you again?" Steve inched closer to you as you tried your best to ignore how wet your panties got from his voice alone.

"In your dreams, asshole." You turned around and hit the button again, making the elevator restart.

You felt his heavy chest push against your back and all you could do was stare at your shoes and pray to whatever was good and holy that this stupid elevator would just hurry the fuck up already.

Strong hands crept up your sides, breath hot against the exposed skin of your neck. The body heat radiating off this man made it hard to think straight.

Gathering all your willpower, you softly shoved your elbow in his ribs, shaky arm pushing against his torso trying to get him to move.

"Get off me, Steve." Your tone almost had him believing you actually didn't want this.

Almost.

"Not until you tell me who shoved a stick up your ass." his voice was low and raspy, tingling against the shell of your ear.

He stopped the elevator for a second time.

"Steve, I'm serious, cut it out!" You groaned, before pushing the button again.

"So am I?" he continued and his hand moved towards the button yet again.

"Would you stop?! You're acting like a child!" you yelled, trying to get the upper hand as the small metal cage rumbled.

The poor emergency stop must have been hit damn near a dozen times as you and Steve continued your pointless bickering.

Suddenly, the entire elevator shook and came to an abrupt stop, making you cling to Steve's side for balance.

The lights flickered out and the buzzing noise that usually lingered around was gone.

You pushed Steve off you and desperately tried hitting a couple buttons.

Nothing.

"Look what you fucking did!" you screamed at him.

"Me?" he yelled.

If looks could kill, Steve Rogers would be dead on the floor of that elevator right now.

You turned around, staring at the buttons.

Fed up and extremely done with this stupid situation, tears started welling in your eyes.

"Perfect. Just perfect." You muttered.

"should have taken the fucking stairs," he mumbled.

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath.

You were utterly exhausted, your body ached. All you wanted was a hot shower and some sleep, and now you were trapped in this stupid elevator and you had to look at Steve's stupid cranky face all night. Any other day you would have given him his crap right back, but not today. Not now.

Simply lacking the energy to be your usual sassy and confident self, you let out a shaky sigh.

"I'm so fucking tired." You finally muttered. If it wasn't for the deafening silence surrounding you, he probably wouldn't even have heard it.

Making eye contact with him was impossible at this point. And even if you had it in you to look him in the eye right now, the thick tears that started welling blurred your sight.

"Oh great, now she's fucking crying." Steve groaned, more to himself than to you.

You rolled your teary eyes at his typical arrogance. But when he took an awkward step closer, you pointed your finger at him.

"Don't even think about coming near me right now, Rogers." You warned.

Steve smirked at the remark, finally catching a glimpse of the snarky woman he was secretly so crazy about.

To your surprise, he moved closer and sat down beside you, raising his arm to invite you in his embrace.

"Come here."

You glared up at him.

"You don't have to prete-" you yipped as Steve cut you off mid-sentence, yanking you against his chest and draping his arm around you.

He just held you as a few silent tears escaped your eyes. Finally relaxing in his embrace, you let his warmth surround you.

The steady sound of his heartbeat brought you a weird sense of peace, which you welcomed nonetheless. There was something about him, about being this close to him. You couldn't put your finger on it, but it melted away your anxiety like snow in the sun.

A comfortable silence settled in between the two of you as you sniffled quietly against his chest.

You felt his eyes burning against your face but you couldn't bring yourself to return his gaze. In all honestly, this was probably the most embarrassing moment of your life.

Clearing your throat, you pulled away from him and gave his chest a few awkward pats.

"Alright, thanks," you said, before scooting a few inches to the other side.

As much as you hated to acknowledge it, being away from him even a few inches filled you with a slight cold, empty feeling. And you had to go against every fiber in your body not to scoot closer and snuggle up against him again.

A shiver ran through your body as you forced yourself to stare at anything but Steve, when suddenly a soft, heavy, blanket-like piece of fabric was throw at your feet.

Steve's jacket.

You thought about telling him you didn't need it, but soon realized that would be pointless as he would probably argue with you until you took it anyway, so you picked up the jacket and wordlessly wrapped it around your shoulders.

The intoxicating smell of his cologne and his mints mixed with his natural warm musky scent invaded your nostrils and made a heat run through you, warming you from the inside out.

A weird sense of comfort took over your body. The urge you had to be held and taken care of bubbled up again and you let Steve fill that void. You knew it wasn't real. He didn't want to be here. But he was. And you were going to enjoy his warmth for as long as you could.

You must have dosed off because next thing you know you felt your body being shoved aside, abruptly waking you from your slumber.

Finally you guys got here! She was starting to drool on my shirt." Steve's arrogant voice spoke to Sam and Bucky, who has apparently found you in the elevator.

You knew it was too good to last. At least now you could go to your room and get some rest. Alone.

You slowly sat up, blinking the sleep from your eyes as you gaped at the three men in front of you. The smell of Steve was still heavy on you. Before any of the men could say anything you threw the jacket of you and scrambled out of the elevator. Running through the hallway to your room, wanting nothing more then for this day to just be over with already.

"hey hey hey, wait!" Steve's voice boomed through the hallway as you looked for your keys, rolling your eyes.

"Oh for fucks sake, does he ever take a break?" you mumbled to yourself.

"Looking for these?" he asked, dangling your keys in front of you with a smug look on his face.

You groaned, reaching for the keys only to have them pulled away at the last second. It was quiet between the two of you for a beat, before you lunged for the keys again, failing miserably.

Okay. now you were pissed.

Steve looked at you with a shit eating grin, raising his arm straight above his head. Okay. now you were pissed.

Steve looked at you with a shit eating grin, raising his arm straight above his head.

"Come on, Princess." he teased, "come and get them"

There was no way in hell you could reach that far up. You knew it. He knew it. He just wanted to see you try. See you jump for him like a little kid trying to get the stuffy at the fair.

And you actually debated it. For a split second, you debated it.

Nope.

Not today, Rogers.

You were done. Done with this day. Done with these games. Done with him.

You scraped together every ounce of dignity you had left and turned on your heals, walking away from him.

You got halfway through the hall before you heard him chuckle.

"And where are you going now, huh?" he questioned, obviously very amused.

"To sleep in Bucky's room." you simply said, not even bothering to turn around. You didn't need to see his face to know the grin had fallen.

"The hell you are." you heard him mumble, suddenly way closer to you as you heard his heavy footsteps approach.

Before you could even comprehend what was happening Steve had you tossed over his shoulder.

“What the-…PUT ME DOWN” you tried to wriggle your way out of his grasp but your already exhausted body just wouldn’t work with you. And perhaps your needy brain didn’t mind being wrapped in Steve’s arms…even if you were dangling upside down.

You heard a door slam behind you and realised you had entered a bedroom, but it wasn’t yours…oh no this was Steve’s room. You could recognise it from the scent alone…

He put you down the second the door fell shut and walked over to the bed. He didn’t sit down, he just stood there…looking you straight in the eyes.

You stared at him from across the room, arms crossed, trying your best to appear stern despite the fact that the entire room smelled of him and it was making you want to crawl up in a ball on the floor, like a cat waiting to be cuddled.

"come here." he said, voice calm yet commanding.

"Bite me "

"I said come here."

"And I said bite me."

"If you come here then maybe I will."

You rolled your eyes but did as he said.

"Now what?" You asked in the most pissed-off voice you could muster.

Steve saw right passed your bratty behaviour, knowing exactly what you needed from him. He grabbed your wrist and before you knew it, you were wrapped against him with your back pressed to his muscular chest.

"Now you let me make you feel good, sweetheart." his warm minty breath caressed the shell of your ear, making the hair at the back of your neck stand up as goosebumps started to spread all the way down to your spine.

Steve slowly walked you both to the bed, arms still holding you at the wrists crossed on your lower belly.

When your knees hit the bed he let go of your hands, not allowing you to go far as he immediately grabbed your shirt and slowly pealed it over your head. A soft growl erupting from deep within his throat when he discovered you weren't wearing a bra.

You spun around in his grip, and a small moan escaped you right before you attached your lips to his. Your fingers pulled at the back of his hair while his found their way to your awaiting breasts.

Thoroughly enjoying each other's embrace, your impatient fingers moved down his torso and tugged at his shirt. Feeling his lips curl into a smile against yours let you know he got the message. Within the blink of an eye, his shirt was gone and his lips were back on yours, devouring you as if you were his very last meal.

When you were both breathless, he spun you back around. He pressed gentle yet firm kisses on your nape. His big, strong hands held you up by your upper arm as his furry chest pressed against your bare back.

"Lay down for me, Princess." his gruff voice vibrated against your shoulder.

Steve slowly pushed you down on the bed, holding your hips steady so your ass was up in the air. He peppered your entire back with soft, warm kisses. Not leaving an inch of your body untouched. Your face was planted in the soft cotton sheets below you and you felt your entire body relax. Steve's plump lips moved down to your lowers back and started kissing along the curve of your hip as his large hands roamed your ass. Just as you noticed you had begun to smile to yourself, you got pulled from the cloud you were happily floating on by a sharp pain on your behind.

"AH!! Did you just bite me?!"

"'I'm a man of my word darling."

Before you could scramble away from him he licked a firm stripe up your pussy, all the way from your clit to your asshole. You let out a desperate moan that quickly turned into a squeal as Steve flipped you over on your back. He wasted no time in attaching his soft lips to your dripping pussy once again and absolutely devouring you with all he had.

One of his hands came up to play with your boobs. Squeezing the soft flesh and tugging at your nipples blindly while his head stayed buried in between your thighs. He moved his hand to yours and linked your fingers together as he passionately ate you out. Your other hand came to scratch through his hair, enjoying the feel of his fluff locks between your fingers.

Keeping his one hand intertwined with yours, he moved his other one to play with your pussy. His thumb stroking your clit while his tongue licked in between your folds. God he loved the taste of you, he simply couldn't get enough.

Your moans got louder and your hips started bucking against his bearded jaw. Every square inch of your body was on fire.

Steve switched his hand and tongue placement, moving his mouth up to lick your clit while sliding his middle finger inside of you, pumping a few times before adding a second one, curling them perfectly against your g-spot as he kept licking your clit.

"Fuck Steve I'm gonna cum!" you screamed. "You're gonna make me cum! You're gonna...I'm gonna...Oh fuck..fuck, please! Don't fucking stop...ah!"

And he didn't, not even taking a break to reply to your pleas, he kept eating you out until you were shaking and cumming all over his face.

Blinking away tears until they rolled down your cheeks, you tried to calm down your breathing as you laid there trembling on his bed.

"What do you need, princess." Steve finally spoke, sitting up between your legs and softly stroking your thighs.

It took a while for your breathing to calm down, you didn't even know why you were crying to be honest. You just felt like you were experiencing a lot of emotions at once, and it was pretty intense.

"A fucking hug." you finally spoke.

Steve chuckled at your reply before scooting over to sit next to you, leaning against the headboard.

"Come here."

Slowly, you crawled into his open arms, curling up against him into a ball with your head right under his pecs, leaning on his abs.

Surprisingly, Steve was very soft and sweet, not at all what he was usually like with you.

He rubbed your back and just laid there with you, enjoying each others warmth and the comfortable silence that had settled in the room.

You couldn't help but let out more tears, softly sniffling into his chest as you clung to him.

"shhh" he whispered comfortingly, pressing a few kisses to the top of your head. "It's okay, l'm here. And you did so so good."

For the next few minutes Steve just held you, until you were ready to talk to him about what exactly it was that got you so overwhelmed.

After some time, you sat up and just looked at Steve. At his eyes, his nose, his mouth.

You leaned in and pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

"Thanks," you said.

"For the orgasm?" he joked, trying to get rid of some of the tension.

"For the care," you replied, meaning what you said.

Your eyes fell on the clear bulge in his pants.

"Want me to do something about that, Cap?" you smiled.

"Nah, not today sweetheart." He said, pulling you closer.

You didn't even know what to say. Never in your life have you expected Steve to be so caring, especially not for you.

"If you want you can take a shower here, I'll lend you something comfy to sleep in," he suggested, leaving you even more stunned.

"Okay who are you and what have you done with Steven Rogers."

At first he chuckled at your reaction, but then his face grew a little more serious.

"I wanna be here for you for more than just fucking. The whole cat and mouse game was fun while it lasted, but seeing you the way I saw you today, so exhausted you could barely stand up straight. I never wanna see you like that again, baby. Unless of course, it's my doing." he added smugly before pressing another kiss to your lips.

"There he is again." you chuckled against his lips.

After some more kisses and giggles, you decided to accept Steves's offer and take a long hot shower, followed by some much-deserved cuddles and a movie you never saw the end of because you drifted off, happily snuggled against his chest.

Taglist;

@metalbuckaroo

@princessayveke

@montsepliego

@scxrletrecsmarvel

@hopelesslyrogers

@eclecticpatrolroadlawyer

@tfandtws

@vicmc624

@ahahafudge

@enchantedbarnes

@wickedravyn

@pono-pura-vida

@amayaraestyles

@matchat3a

@fictional-hooman

@sebastianexplicit

@peaches1958

#marvel #smut #fluff #angst #steve x reader #steve rogers smut #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fluff #captain america #captain america smut #gummydummy19 #fanfiction #smutty thoughts #steve rogers

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jinxthequeergirl · 5 years

Text

149 days & The Grieving Stage

Steve harrington x hopper!reader

Summary: things hurt but luckily you have people to help.

Song choice: Ease my mind by Ben platt

Warning: swearing/ angst

I also kinda wanted to make this a part of "unseen things" but I'm obviously probably not gonna work on that cause it sucked but enjoy this anyways

~~~~~

You and El both tumbled out of the car as quickly as you could and raced to your friends.

You where especially excited to see Steve again. He wrapped you in a hug and supn you around. "Hey dingus, don't hog her!" you grinned pulling away to met robin. "You've been keeping an eye on him?" you mumbled into her hair, you could feel her chuckle as he pulled you away holding you out at arms reach.

"There isn't really much to keep an eye on...you know he's crazy about you, plus he's awful at the flirting thing." You both laughed and could feel Steve come up beside you taking you from her grasp.

"Be careful steve, she's miss steal your girl." you joked leaning into him. He simply rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around you.

"Watch where you put your hands on my daughter, Harrington!" you both turned and spotted hopper pull up in his car.

"Holy shit..." you breathed you freed yourself from Steve's hold and watched el run towards him. Tears welled in your eyes as you watched them hug.

And from the back of your head you instantly remembered everything you where trying so hard to forget About that night. The overall fear and pain from that night, waiting in the ambulance with El and steve, waiting and hoping that by any sort of mirical it would be over and hopper and Joyce would make there way back to so everything would be normal.

But instead you got Joyce who gave you and your sister both a look from over wills shoulder that took all that hope and crushed it.

And now here he was. That stupid patterned shirt he insisted on calling "cutting edge", a huge smile, one you had to admit you hadn't seen in a while. And all you could do was stand there and stare at him. El pulled away looking back at you with the same excited grin and moved away a little making room for you.

And within an instatant you went racing towards him collapsing in his arms, so much so he stumbled a bit upon catching you in his arms before falling to your knees. You instantly felt your self sob into his shoulder murrmering things that you didn't even understand. You chocked out more tears as his hold on you tightened a little, finding hard to keep any sort of breath do your wheezing.

"Kid, kid, it's ok, everything is fine, deep breaths." You pulled your head from his shoulder and looked at him. He cupped your face in his hand rubing away tears with his thumb. "I...I...though...thought...thought You where...where..." you couldn't even mutter out the last sours before you coughed out another cry. He only nodded in response giving you a sympathetic look.

"I know...it's ok...it's all over now..." you wrapped your arms around him again. "Its all over...you can live life again." You nodded into his shoulder blinking away tears until you finally shut your eyes and relaxing in his hold.

You blinked your eyes again suddenly feeling the loss of warmth around you, you opened your eyes full taking in everthing around you and sighing lightly.

The moonlight filled your new room do to not owning any curtains yet. Or maybe Joyce had some and they hadn't been unpacked yet. Your bed was pushed up against one of the wall's with a small night stand that held a few things, a dresser was pushed against the opposite wall, really it wasn't much yet. You stared at the ceiling taking note of the glow in the dark stars the previous owner of the room had left.

Do to the moon light they wheren't doing much, but they still kept your mind off of what had just happened. Until finally they didn't and you broke.

You let a real sob wrack through your body and tears spill as you did your hardest to bite your lip and keep quiet making sure not to wake the other four members in the house.

You brought your fists to your eyes and held them there until explostions of color where the only thing you saw behind your eye lids, you could feel the mattress beneath you along with your cheeks and chin become soked as tears scilently continued to fall.

After what had felt like hours of tossing and turning in bed, crying off and on again. You finally sat up on the edge taking one of the two blankets on your bed and wrapping yourself up in it before crossing the room to the dresser.

Your eyes hurt and your feet where now cold from the wooden floor under you. You grabbed the phone from onto of it ignoring the picture frame you had purposefully facing down and sat in the little book in your window, you cracked it open inorder to obtain fresh air and started dialing the number.

You sat there for a few moments letting it ring, and ring, and ring, you stared out the window into the moonlit backyard.

Joyce told you when you moved in that maybe the three of you girls could go to the local garden center and pick out a few plants and stuff to start a garden back there.

You where suddenly yanked from the thought as a clearly exhausted voice filled your ear. "Hello?"

You took a shaky breath and turned from the window to look down at the phone cord. "Hey Harrington..." you finally breathed.

"Y/n? Are you ok? What happened?" you could hear the sleep in his voice vanish with every question along with the shuffle of bedsheets. "I..." you stopped to clear your throat. "I'm just holding you to that promise you made before we left...it's not to late is it?"

Before you moved steve made the promise that no matter the time, the issue, the want he would answer the phone and be there for you.

That was the same day you missed your chance to tell him you loved him. And that you had since God knows when. Instead you cried barrelly able to get a "I'll miss you." out.

You reached over to your night stand and grabbed the alarm clock to check the time in the light. 1:40.

You mentally cursed yourself as you set it back down and leaned back. "No not at all what's up?"

"Just...just a nightmare..." You combed a finger through your hair and sighed. "I'm sorry...was it about-"

"No it..it was different this time..."

He humme. "Care to talk about it?"

"I..it's late I just wanted a little comfo-"

"No, no, hey I'm up now so you have to tell me." you chuckled and took a breath.

"Y/n?" you licked your lips before answering. "I saw...him..."

"Who?"

"My...my dad." you croaked looking back out the window.

"Shit...y/n I'm so sorry...I..." he trailed off attempting to find the words to comfort you. You only laughed when you realised it. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing...nothing. Just you always where just the worst at these kinda things."

He gasped a little and you could only imagine him placing a hand over his heart dramatically. "Wow no matter how far away you still manage to hurt me y/n." You laughed again.

"It's times like these I wonder-"

"Why the hell I'm your friend?" you asked do ishing his scentence.

"Yea." he replied. Steve sat at the edge of his bed, phone tucked between his shoulder and ear all the while he held a photo he stole from your photo album.

His heart swelled a little just looking at it. You where happy, happier than you have been lately. And he looked at you in that picture with the same goofy grin he was wearing now.

"Steve?" he jumped at the voice instantly putting the photo down. "Did you fall asleep over there?"

He lied back down. "No...not at all...I wouldn't dream of it."

You smiled softly. "How are the kids?...and robin?.." you asked.

"The little shit's are fine...they miss the three of you a hell of a lot, speaking of which you should be gettinging something in the mail soon."

"Oh?"

"Yea...you've been gone a month and we decided to wip something up for you guys."

"What is it? You asked curiously."

"Can't say...don't wanna spoil the surprise."

"Right I forgot Mr. Steve "the surprise king" Harrington."

He rolled his eyes but mustered a smile. "Whatever."

There was a beat of scilents Before you spoke again. "I miss you Steve..."

"Hey, I miss you too....but you'll be here for Christmas soon enough."

"Steve that's so long..."

"No...149 days to be exact...it'll fly by and before you know it you'll be back in Hawkins."

"You've been counting?"

"Of course I have." you hummed and again went quiet for a moment.

"Listen there's something...something I've been meaning to tell you.."

"Oh yea?" you opened your mouth but the words refused to come out.

How difficult was it to just say it? Why no matter what the words never fully formed on your tounge. You sighed. "You know what never mind...it can wait.."

"How long?" he asked clearly anxious. "149 days to be exact...it's better if i tell you then."

"Oh c'mon at least give me a hint?" You shook your head with a smile. "No...I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise." you joked. He laughed making your heart jump." just swear to not find someone to replace me within that time frame."

"I swear. No one would even come close to you." You smiled softly. "Uh listen thanks for taking my mind off of things....you should probably get some sleep....I promise to call in the morning if anything happens."

"Just call no matter what."

"Ok...goodnight shit head."

"Night loser."

You hung up the phone and sat there for a while. Letting things pan over in your head.

Your mind was finally off of your dad for a little bit. And you though about how you said you would tell him at Christmas and wondered of you even meant that, you wondered if he really meant the last thing he said about not finding anyone else.

"Knock knock..." you looked over to your door and found Joyce peeking in.

"Hey...what are you doing up?" you asked turning so your feet touched the cold floor.

"I could ask you the same...another nightmare?"

"Yea...something like that.." she let her self in shutting the door and leaned against the dresser. "How do you not...not have nightmares?...I mean you where right there..."

"Well I never said I didn't..." She said picking up the picture frame and looking at it.

"How do you keep it together then?"

She glanced at you but kept her eyes on the picture for a moment. "Someone's gotta be strong for You kids..." she took the picture and made her way over to you sitting down.

"You don't have to be all the time."

She nodded. "I know...but life had been so rough on you guys already...it helps." You leaned your head on her shoulder and looked at the picture frame in her hands.

"I don't remember these." she said looking at it with you. In the frame was a photo of you do and your dad, tucked outside of it was a picture of you Steve and robin.

You smiled pointing to the one of you and hopper. "The night me and el went to the snow ball...I told him it was an important night for all of us and we had to remember it. He fought me on it but eventually gave in."

She smiled.

"What about this?"

"That was the day we moved...johnathan wanted to make sure I had something good to remember them both by...I miss them all so..so much..." you mumbled.

"I know..."

"Will it ever...not hurt?" you asked sniffiling.

"No...not Right away...just give it a little time..." she placed the picture frame on the bed stand.

"I think you should get some sleep...sleep in extra long if you need."

She kissed your forhead before you got up and walked over to your bed. "Y/n..." you and Joyce both looked up and saw El come in with puffy red eyes that matched your own. You opened your blankets and she quickly made her way over and fell into bed next to you.

"Hey it's ok...it was just a dream..." you kissed her head and Joyce quietly left the room letting you two get some sleep.

#stranger things x reader #steve harrington x reader

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mfk-archived · 5 years

Text

ok friends sit down as I talk about my most beloved franchise on the face of the Earth:

B-PROJECT

I think it's super obvious by now that B-Project (Kodou*Ambitious, Zecchou*Emotion, and Kaikan Everyday ((even tho I don't play it oof))) is....very special to me

But like,, I never gave an exact reason why? I just scream about it in the tags

Well, this is going to be a post about some of the small and big things i absolutely about my 14 idol boys and their super cute A&R!

This is long so uhh have fun reading! 💕

•The characters: they're so unique and individually stick out in their own ways. Goushi and his temper, Momotaro and his mom habits, Mikado and his nerdiness, it goes on.

It's just so great. After you know them a bit you feel yourself get attached (I've seen it happen thrice) and you want to know more about them. The extroverts aren't all the same and they don't have the same habits (i.e. Yuuta is a literal puppy but Haruhi has a social swag that makes him different) Same with the introverts!

They're pretty realistic in some of their reactions as well. Miroku tries to be perfect and it doesn't work bc it's too good so Kento needs to teach him charm. Ryuji is genuinely surprised when Tsubasa shows concern for him and Tomohisa. There's a few examples but they all make the characters more loveable.

The music: you look me dead in the eyes and tell me that NONE–not a single note out of the 50+ songs–of the B-Project songs are even DECENT. I dare you. I will fight you.

↓one of my personal favorites

The music is just...beyond me. They really know how to hit you in the Zecchou emotions

One song like lonely fangs can hype you up to where you feel like you can climb mountains and well, discover a new world Whereas another song like love☆revolu can make you feel like you're in a romantic getaway and the wind is blowing you in the right path

The seiyuus do a fantabulous job at singing and keeping their character simultaneously too (cough happy ending cough)

Also the songs are just straight up bops like???? please listen to them

When you really give it a chance, it feels like you're a part of their world and you can just jam out

The MC, Tsubasa Sumisora: This one is more aimed towards the anime since she isn't present in the games(?)

I've seen people throw serious shade at Tsubasa for 'getting in the way of their yaoi.' Gonna be real for a good moment:

Shut the fuck up.

If that's all you care about when watching B-Pro then guess what, you ain't getting it. This is about them wanting to make it big. Not getting it on. Go away.

Tsubasa is just an absolute joy and a sweetheart. Not only does she genuinely care for the boys (^see point abt Ryuji being surprised by it), she tries her diddly darn hardest at her job

After Yashamaru leaves she keeps herself together and doesn't let his threats shake her up. she gives it her all to get the boys to the top

Shes also very pretty as well. Her design is simple but she sticks out in her own way to me <3 she can be dramatic at times (more in S1) but I take it as that she was still adjusting to her job

The seiyuus/voice actors:I'll keep this one short. If I could hug these guys I really, really would

They're just the best and I'm so thankful that they make the liveshows happen and give the fans a fun time performing

They really do a superb job voicing the boys and singing the songs. B-Pro wouldn't be possible w/o these guys they're the really MVPs

Also they give us silly things like this:

Toyonaga is always just,,,,the crazy one it cracks me up while Kato is just as handsome and stylish. Hanae is a sweetie sjdjdj

I love that they're all friends and stuff

Small random things: its almost over i promise

The respect Tsubasa gets in the workplace and from the boys

The subtle, not in your face ship fanservice. (@anime-music-ships knows what I mean hehe)

THE FANSERVICE IN GENERAL—they literally spoon feed us I'm 😫😭😭🙏🏽💕❤️❤️✨

The SSR cards/CGs: they're BEAUTIFUL holy shiiiiiit

Each group's 'theme', their color schemes and outfits are just 💋 MUAH BEAUTIFUL

The boys' friendships and how they all get along well

Kitakore's super cliche but so romantic backstory

The fact Kento wore JEAN SHORTS for his debut

THANK YOU UTAKO YUKIHIRO FOR DESIGNING THESE BAD BOYS ✨✨🙏🏽😭

there's a lot I love but my brain don't work so good so uhhh let's wrap it up shall we?

Look, this franchise means a hell of a lot to me and I just wanted to manifest my thoughts into one long post

It's not that popular in the west and I kind of wish it was. But at the same time it feels like MY thing—the thing that makes me feel like, well, ME

It's just a big bundle of good things that can make you smile when you're sad or dance when you're bored

It might be kind of an underdog within the idol community (at least IMO) but I will always love it with open arms

These boys are more than just crafts to please a female audience

They are my friends Jk, they're wonderful beings and a group with loads of potential

*sticks pinky in the air* for B-Project ❤️

tagging some b-pro friends bc why not SHARE THE LOVE:

@wishiwasfictionaltoo @scarletlion94 @colaloli @sutekihappiness @itarucchi @trulipan

#b project kaikan everyday #b project zecchou emotion #b project kodou ambitious #b project #idol anime #long post #nana's last braincells #finally posting this in celebration for the new albums!!!!#had this written since june #💕♥️❤️!!

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pratktcven · 6 years

Note

Hi! I have currently fallen into the world that is Shance and Voltron and all the ships because they're all so wonderful sweet and make my heart feel so warm??? But I'm worried because I've seen how mean fans within the fandom can be and I have all these ideas to write but I'm horrified to share them due to the amount of hate that people get for simply loving something that makes them happy. I'm just...a bit scared, I think. I'd love to write and share headcanons but aaah!

First and foremost, welcome to the fandom! Voltron is an amazing show with amazing characters and an engaging plot, and it’s great to interact with other people who love it. I’m very biased, but Shance is a great ship, and there are a lot of wonderful people in the community.

That said, I understand your reluctance. Ship hate and those who disagree with your views can be difficult to deal with. Luckily, I am a seasoned fandom veteran with over 15 years of experience under my belt, and I’ll let you know what works most for me.

01) The block function is your best friend. Blocking someone isn’t mean or uncalled for, and you don’t have to justify why you do it. Personally, I block for antis and annoyances. Seriously. If I’m in a general tag, and I don’t like what someone is saying? I block them. It doesn’t have to be outright vitriol; if you get a bad vibe, you get a bad vibe. Block them and save yourself a headache.

02) Don’t be afraid to unfollow. There’s this weird stigma against unfollowing on this site that I don’t get. People change. Their interests change. Their opinions change. Blogs reflect that. If it’s a change you don’t like, why clog your dash? Unfollow them.

03) Be yourself. This might seem like a weird one, but it’s true. Like what you like. Be passionate about what you’re passionate about. Don’t let other people dictate what you enjoy or how you enjoy it. I have... a lot of stories about how other fans have tried to tell me how to like a ship or how to interpret a moment in a show. Sometimes this pressure is direct, but a lot of times it isn’t.

04) Create what you want. This relates to the above, but it bears clarification. I’ve written things that some people don’t like. Scratch that. I’ve written a lot of things people don’t like. Sometimes I get hate and—I won’t lie—I get mad. But you know what? No one—absolutely no one—has ever been brave enough to do it off anon. The support I get from fandom in general is amazing and those are the opinions that matter.

05) Clapback, but don’t get into a fight. This is something I do to help control hate. When I get a message or comment that’s rude or uncalled for, I address the issues presented, post it, and leave it. This helps me process my emotions about the issue and gives my blog transparency. Sometimes, other people will comment, either supporting me or the anon, or the anon will try to goad me into a fight. But the important part is to leave it alone. This is the hardest part for me. I’m naturally confrontational, and immensely stubborn, and all I really want to do when I get hate is rip someone to verbal shreds. Instead, I keep those following rants personal. I... have somehow developed a ‘Don’t fuck with me’ reputation on my main and my writing blog which... fair.

06) Turn off anon. I cannot recommend this enough. If you’re getting a slew of hate, chances are it’s one person. I’ve personally never had to do this for an entire platform; hell, I’ve never had to do it for tumblr, either. I did have to disable anonymous commenting on a single story on AO3 several months ago but! This is the first time in fifteen years that I’ve had to do something that drastic. And I only did it because they were starting to harass other readers.

07) If you disagree, be respectful. Literally what it says on the tin. There have been times when I’ve read a headcanon and said, “Oh, wow, that is totally out of character, what show have you been watching?” or read a story that had an unnecessary plot twist or went on for forever and rehashed the same conflict five times. But that’s the thing about fandom: my interpretations are my perceptions, and while I believe them to be more right than someone else’s interpretations, this does not make them true. So I say nothing and move on with my life. Or I talk about it privately if I can’t let it go without comment.

08) Make like-minded friends. This is probably the hardest thing to do, but it’s super worth it. One of my closest friends is a fandom friend I met 8 or 9 years ago . (Holy shit, @faorism, can you believe it’s been that long?) Don’t be afraid to start conversations with people and don’t be afraid to leave them, either. Sometimes people just don’t click. Also, how many friends you have, and to what degree, is entirely up to you. I honestly only talk to one person semi-regularly about voltron—@kitausu is a gem for putting up with me, honestly—but I am super busy irl and tend to have my head in the clouds. Everyone else I’ve interacted with has been nothing but a sweetheart.

In general, I think that fandom is a positive and exciting place, but ultimately, it boils down to this: your experience is your responsibility. Don’t worry about what other people think or say. Don’t go looking for hate but don’t ignore it, either. Post the stories you’ve written and the headcanons you have. Personally, I’m super excited to see what you’ve created. ♥

#i made this post public but let me know if you don't like that #savedbythenotepad #asks #cal speaks

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the-inkwell-variable · 4 years

Text

My first official fluff piece! Still kinda angsty, but it's cute - to a point lol

I'm so sorry. I cannot figure out how to add a read-more on this new formatting.

--------

Coming up with excuses to hang around the engine room was getting harder every day. Delivering messages for people was always an easy bet - the priest couldn't be bothered to crack his old knees on those stairs anyway - but the stupid crew on this stupid ship didn't send messages to the resident tinker very often.

She could always break stuff. Parvati was always down to fix it, and whenever someone brought her some broken trinket, she got the cutest expression on her face - a weird mix between excitement and exasperation. All of her shyness just completely vanished as she scolded them for being so careless with their things, revealing the true bullheaded nature behind her stammering, eager-to-please front.

But how long could she keep "accidentally" breaking her stuff before Parvati confiscated it, just like she did Felix's mechanical tossball action figure? Not much longer, that was for damn sure.

And she couldn't just... show up and linger. What excuse would she use for that? "It's too loud out there"? The engine room was way louder than the rest of the ship combined - even when Ellie and Vicar were screaming about philosophical bullshit in the cafeteria and Felix had his tossball match turned up to drown them out. Besides, she had soundproofed her bunk specifically to give herself a quiet space.

"I'm interested in mechanical engineering?" Ha! What a laugh. Every single person on the Unreliable knew that Nyoka didn't give two shits or a fuck less about fixing her own belongings, as long as she had the bits to pay someone else to do it.

The only option left was honesty, and let's face it: that wasn't her strong suit. She had a reputation as a badass (if constantly drunk) bounty hunter to maintain. Confessing that she enjoyed hanging out with the dorky engineer made her sound like a lovesick puppy - which she wasn't, for the fucking record. She didn't like Parvati like that. She just like getting the girl the ramble about her favorite topics, watching her face crinkle in concentration as she struggled with a complicated mechanical part, the way her face turned out a particularly off-color joke. There was no love there, and she'd sock anyone in the mouth that would even dare to suggest such a thing.

And yet, Nyoka still found herself lingering outside the cafeteria, sneaking furtive peaks at Parvati. Look at her. Nibbling that snack cake like she's a baby sprat. God, she's so freaking adorable... She turned away, her lip curling in a sneer of self-disgust as she took another drag from her flask. Even the rough burn of old whiskey couldn't drown the way her heart pounded against her chest.

God, what had this quiet mechanic from Edgewater done to her?

She didn't even realize that her feet had carried her into the room until she looked down and saw Parvati staring up at her. Her lips were smiling that tight-lipped smile that all polite folks gave when unexpectedly bumping into someone they barely know, but her eyes were confused, maybe even a little frightened. She hated that look. She wanted to grab the girl's shoulders and shake some common sense into her, to scream "Why are you afraid of me?! I'll kill everyone on the ship and myself if it would protect you!"

But she wasn't that dense. That would just scare the poor girl more, and the very thought of Parvati fearing her turned her stomach. Instead, Nyoka twisting her own lips into a smile and forced out, "Hey there, tinker. Didn't mean to scare you."

Parvati quickly shook her head in an obvious act of self-preservation. "Oh, not at all, Miss Nyoka! I was, um, just eating a quick snack. Got to stay fueled for the road!" She giggled awkwardly, and Nyoka wanted to wrap her arms around her and squish her tight - though whether it was to comfort her or to squeeze out the anxiety, even she couldn't say.

"With empty calories like that? You're going to burn through it and crash in an hour." She strolled to the refrigerator, forcing herself to tame her trademark stomp to a casual strut. "What's the thing Junlei says all the time? 'Treat your body like a machine - quality fuel and plenty of rest, or you'll end up rusting like an overworked engine.' I don't know anything about machines, but it sounds right. Here." She tossed a small container of food to the confused girl. "Cystipig stew. Homemade. It's something my - one of my old teammates used to make. The methane added a kick, but Boss says I'm not allowed to flood the kitchen with explosive gas." She scoffed as she dropped into the chair across the table. "Coward."

Parvati let out a soft laugh escape as she tentatively scooped out a spoonful of stew, and Nyoka's heart fluttered in her chest in a way that was surely heartburn and nothing else. "I can't imagine methane making anything taste better... Except maybe mantisaur. Is it true that people eat mantisaur on Monarch?"

"Only if they're really desperate. As in, 'I've already eaten the floorboards and my roommate' desperate."

Parvati's spoon hovered before her mouth as she shot Nyoka a part-horrified, part-rebuking glance. "You shouldn't joke about such horrible things. People suffer through terrible hardships - it's cruel to make fun of them."

The urge to retort was powerful. She wanted to snap back that, as someone who spent years as one of those people, she could say whatever she damn well pleased about the subject - that according to Holy Man DeSoto, making jokes about the subject was 'an ingrained coping mechanism that helped her deal with her trauma' or whatever. But - and she could not for the life of her understand why - she kept her mouth shut.

Parvati stiffened to brace herself for the inevitable backlash, but when none came, she relaxed just enough to taste the offered stew. Her eyebrows shot into her messy brow. "This is really good! You said that your former teammate made this?"

"She - created the recipe, yeah." Nyoka couldn't meet her gaze, not what the lump growing in her throat. "That's not important though. You really like it? Even without the methane?"

"It's delicious. It tastes like - oh, what was it dad used to say?" She scrunched her face as she wracked her brain, and the lump in Nyoka's throat dissolved like sugar. "Tastes like Grandma used to make. It's homey and warm, like curling up in a freshly made bed after a hard day of work." She took another bite and closed her eyes, chewing slowly as if to relish every bite. "Mm... I can see why you treasured that teammate. If her personality was anything like her food, she was a really amazing person. "

Nyoka shook her head as she gazed at Parvati, her lips twitching into a rare genuine smile. "God... You're so nice. I... I want to kiss you."

Parvati's eyes drifted open to focus on Nyoka's face. "What did you say?"

Nyoka stared back, frozen in place as her stomach clenched tightly. Oh God - what to do? She couldn't admit what she just said! But what to say?

Parvati sat up straight now, her head tilting ever-so-slightly. Her bottom lip jutted out to give her an adorably confused pout. "Nyoka?"

And now she was taking too long to respond - fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck - In a panic, Nyoka blurted out, "If you died, I wouldn't miss you!"

They both froze, staring at each other - Nyoka in horror, Parvati in confusion. As the gravity of her panic response settled upon them, Nyoka clenched her fists under the table. Her face burned with shame while Parvati's face paled beneath her dusky complexion. Tears began to collect in her amber eyes, and she turned her head down and away. "I - I see. I'm sorry for whatever I said that made you feel that way, Miss Nyoka." She pushed the chair back and stood up, her hands trembling at her side. "I'll just go."

"Parvati, no -" Nyoka reached out instinctively then snatched her hand back. "I didn't - that's not what I - God damn it!" Slamming her fists against the table, she threw her chair to the floor in her haste to get up and storm from the cafeteria. You're not running away, she assured herself as she locked the door to her sleeping pod, longing now more than ever for the ability to slam the door with a satisfying bang. You're taking a step back to collect yourself and figure out what you're going to say to fix this. She punched the door and spun to slide the ground, leaning against it and feeling, for the first time in her life, like a serial character. "Fucking hell, Nyoka..." she muttered as she pinched her brow between her fingers. "You're really in the shit this time. You and your fucking mouth... "

It took an hour and several gulps from her flask to calm her nerves and figure out exactly what she was going to say, but finally Nyoka was ready to tackle the hardest battle she'd ever had to face. Taking a deep breath (and another swig for courage), she opened her door and walked to the kitchen. It took every ounce of self-control she had to keep her body still. Treat this like capturing a raptidon, she encouraged with every step. Don't show fear. Never show fear. You're the baddest bitch on Monarch. They make fucking serials about your adventures. You can handle apologizing to a dorky girl from a hick town.

Despite her totally awesome pep talk, she still had to pause outside the cafeteria and rest her forehead on the cool door frame. You can do this. Deep breath. You know exactly what you're going to say. Just go in, stay on script, and get out. No ad-libbing. You want this to be another Angeline Graves situation? 'course not. All right. Countdown. 3. 2.... 1.

Inhaling deeply, Nyoka pushed open the door and stepped inside. "Parvati, I -"

She stopped short as a sob interrupted her and allowed her blurry eyes to take in the room. Parvati slumped over the table, sobbing into the crook of her arm. "I don't understand what I did! Why -hic- did she have to be so cruel? I thought we were bonding!"

"Hey, it's not your fault," Ellie soothed, rubbing comforting circles between Parvati's shoulders. "Nyoka is a terrible person. She's probably drunk again - she's a total ass when she's drunk. Just ignore her, okay Par?" She looked up and scowled when she saw Nyoka. "What do you want?"

Nyoka couldn't respond; her tongue felt like a dead fish between her teeth. She could only stare, stunned, at Parvati's shuttering form. The realization that she had done this - her cruel words, spat in a moment of sheer panic, had reduced her shy, cheerful crush to a complete emotional wreck - drove like a dagger into her heart.

Ellie was right. What kind of absolute scumbag would do something so awful to such an absolute angel?

"Hey, dipsomaniac. Do you fucking mind?" When she still didn't answer, Ellie raised her other hand to snap her fingers impatiently. "Christ, are you that drunk? The fuck do you want?"

Nyoka finally snapped out of it. "Nothin'," she muttered, lowering her gaze to the floor. "Don't want nothin'." She grabbed two bottles of purpleberry wine and shuffled back to her room, ignoring the muttered scoffs behind her. As soon as the door was securely locked, she sank into her soft cot and popped the first cork. "Here's to being the baddest bitch on Monarch," she whispered, the first salty tear trickling between her lips, "and the fucking worst person on the Unreliable.

Cheers."

#outer worlds #nyoka/parvati #fluff #one shot #outer worlds fic #talia answers

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