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young-dumb-and-vaccinated · 3 years

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The Cult Girl (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 1

This is my first time publishing any of my reader insert work so don’t be too hard on me. Y/N is a psych student that needs a favor and asks her therapist for help. Lmk if you want to see more.

It was an unmistakable conflict of interest, your relationship with Hannibal. He was your therapist, your mentor, your partner, and many years your senior to boot. You recognized this monumental power imbalance. You put on a façade of embarrassment for the people who expected it; people whose proclivities were done in the shadows and therefore easier to get away with. Why should you be expected to rationalize your loving, mutually beneficial relationship to a person who regularly cheats on her boyfriend?

You'd dated men your own age before, and without fail, you always found yourself waiting for them to grow up. Hannibal made you feel comfortable. Both emotionally and physically. You had a side of his bed and a spot in his arms to fall asleep in every night. Given the choice, you could truthfully say you'd never want to leave his arms.

Like many unlikely relationships, it didn’t start out in the most romantic of ways. Clutching your laptop under your raincoat, you hesitated knocking. Your therapist had, of course, seen you at your lowest points and was sworn to secrecy, but this was a low you didn’t want even him to see. Standing outside of his home, in the so-incredibly-not-business-hours dead of night with mascara running down your face.

You finally worked up the nerve to knock, telling yourself that he was probably asleep and wouldn’t hear you. This rationalization fell apart when the interior light turned on and the door unlocked. Although you’d been seeing Dr. Lecter for quite a while, his presence never failed to intimidate you. Now it was even worse. His severe expression was fixated on you as he silently awaited an explanation.

“Dr. Lecter...” You lowered your head and fumbled with your computer. You made a point to kiss your last shreds of dignity goodbye before you opened your mouth again. “...could I please borrow a book?”

Dr. Lecter narrowed his eyes. “I take it by the hour, this is an urgent matter, Miss [L/N]?”

“My midterm. It’s due in...” You glanced at your watch. “Eight hours.”

“Well you don’t have a moment to waste, now do you?” Dr. Lecter said, a slight upturn in his voice connoting amusement. “Come in. Let’s find you that book.”

You felt your muscles relax as he stepped aside to let you in. The house was spacious. Much too large for one person. That was really the only thing you could bring yourself to notice before he shut the door behind you.

“Now what is this all-important book of yours called?” He asked, pulling your raincoat from your shoulders like he always did.

“It’s called Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism.” You explained, tucking your computer under your arm. “By Robert Jay Lifton.”

“You’re in luck, Miss [L/N].” His thin lips turned up into a smile. “I have a copy from my own years as a student.”

You breathed an audible sigh of relief. You tensed your muscles and held in your excitement at the prospect of something finally going according to plan, even if that plan was your third or fourth backup.

You followed him into his office, which reminded you more of Belle’s library than any workspace you’d ever encountered. He must have had thousands of books in this room alone.

“It’s a fascinating read, but not one you could finish in eight hours.” Dr. Lecter's voice echoed from somewhere in the office, getting lost in the books. “Even for the most ravenous of psychology students, of which I know you to be.”

"Hardly." You muttered under your breath. "If that were the case, I wouldn't be begging for help at 2am before the final paper is due."

"Procrastination is only human, my dear." He assured you, his voice drawing closer. "It's common in those with deep-rooted insecurities about their competency."

"Now that sounds more like me." You joked, leaning back on your heels. "Should you really be trying to validate my bad habits? I feel like that's counterproductive."

"Scolding you would be more counterproductive." He corrected. "You've been scolded many times before and you continue your bad habits. Only when we get to the root of your behavior can you begin to reverse it."

He emerged from the bookshelves and handed you a beat-up copy of Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, which you graciously accepted.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Lecter.” You said, placing your hand over your heart. "I owe you my life."

"I'd hardly equate your life to a used book, Miss [L/N]." Dr. Lecter said. "I feel like, as your therapist, we should talk about why you do."

You looked away, smiling sheepishly. "Maybe sometime in daylight. I've taken up enough of your time as it is. I'll get out of your hair now."

"It would take you more time to get back to your dorm that you could use writing." He said, matter-of-factually. "Write your paper in my office."

You looked at him in disbelief. Your judgment was clouded with energy drinks and desperation. So your usual self-sacrificing polite denial was steamrolled by a very enthusiastic acceptance. "I would be forever indebted to you, Dr. Lecter."

"Miss [L/N]," Dr. Lecter cut in. "You're a student, you need to study."

You didn’t really remember a lot of what happened after you wrapped your arms around his waist, too overwhelmed with gratitude to think if an embrace was even appropriate. It was the middle of the night, so you had an excuse if he shoved you off him. But surprisingly, he didn’t.

You broke the embrace and gathered up your book and computer. “Seriously, I owe you big time for this. You’re really saving my life here.”

“Go write your paper, [F/N].” He ordered. “We can discuss why you conflate your academics and your life during our next appointment. For now, make yourself at home.”

And that you did. Dr. Lecter retired back to bed and you spent a solid four hours typing away. An antique grandfather clock kept count for you. When you couldn’t keep your eyes open any longer, you sent the paper off to your professor, editing be damned. You let sleep compel you, comforted by the fact that you didn't have to think about your paper for at least another week before the grading period was over.

Dr. Lecter’s desk was the most comfortable surface in the world to you that night, because you slept for six hours with only your arms as a pillow. It was the first rest your body had gotten in quite some time. You were gently coaxed awake by the smell of something delicious.

You followed the smell into a kitchen that could rival those of Michelin-starred restaurants. Dr. Lecter was hard at work, cooking something that enticed your nose. He cracked an egg and looked up at you. “Good morning, Miss [L/N].”

“I’m sorry.” You said, shaking your head shamefully.

“For?” He asked, fixing his attention back on his recipe.

“Falling asleep.” You dropped your shoulders.

“I told you to make yourself at home, did I not?” He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. This time, he sounded like he was actually going to scold you. “Tell me, do you sleep at your desk at home?”

“I try not to.” You answer with a shrug.

“But when you feel yourself falling asleep, you usually put yourself to bed, right?” He continued.

You started to feel a bit stupid. “...yeah.”

He poked at some sausage links in a frying pan, letting out a sizzle. “You could have taken the couch.”

“I guess I was just too sleepy to think of that.” You explained, preparing to be psychoanalyzed no matter what you said.

“No, you were just too polite to push the imagined boundaries of my invitation.” He concluded, busying his hands with plating whatever it was he was making. His tone was comfortingly familiar. “Miss [L/N], don’t sacrifice your comfort for what you think I perceive to be rude. If I found you rude, you’d know it.”

"I'm sorry." You repeated.

"Don't apologize." He said, reaching for the pepper mill. "I know your anxiety disorder makes you feel like you are a burden. I assure you, you are not. I want you to know for next time that the couch is open. Or you could take the guest bedroom."

You stopped yourself before you could apologize again. You momentarily pondered what he had to say before uttering a quiet but convicted "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." Dr. Lecter slid a plate across the table in your direction. "Eat, my dear."

You didn't need to be told twice. You usually didn’t care for sausage, but reconsidered when you took a bite. The meat was so flavorful and rich, a little noise of delight escaped your lips.

Dr. Lecter smiled, your little moan sending his ego through the roof. “You like it?”

“It’s delicious.” You put your fork down, your face flush with embarrassment. “Way better than the food at the dining hall.”

“Miss [L/N],” Dr. Lecter began, putting an extra sausage link on your plate. “If you find yourself in need of psychology texts, I’d be happy to extend my invitation indefinitely.”

You nearly choked on your eggs. “On god?”

“Given that you arrive sometime before midnight and perhaps call ahead, yes.” He answered. “Your studies are your life and breath, after all. You would find yourself very accommodated to here.”

This time, you'd really take him up on his offer.

#hannibal x reader #hannibal x you #hannibal nbc #hannibal lecter #reader insert #first fic #its probably crap #an attempt was made

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capricorn-stark · 3 years

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Othello

pairing: jason todd x reader, reader is a psych major because i think the concept of psych majors in Gotham is funny lmao

warning: i wrote this at 1 am, kinda short, swearing

a/n: i got strong feelings towards Othello, The Catcher in the Rye, and Jason Todd, but this one’s for @tadpole-san smirk smirk smirk

part 2

You liked studying at Gotham University’s library for the ambience.

Whether or not you got any actual “studying” done depended wholly on your mood and whatever being that may or may not have been watching you from above, but even if you somehow managed to procrastinate the entire time you were there, at least you could walk back to your dorm with the comforting fact that you had gotten in your cardio for the day.

The place itself was gorgeous with its overarching ceilings, long hall lined with pillars supporting a seemingly endless array of books, the cozy golden glow of the lights, and the generally pleasant atmosphere provided by the myriads of students sitting around its tables and lounging on its couches. The entire campus was stunning - but it would only be surprising if it wasn’t thanks to the very generous grants from patrons of the Gotham elite, most notably people like Bruce Wayne.

You had a particular spot you liked near the edge of the library, in a little corner mostly surrounded by shelves with enough space for a few usually-unoccupied couches. Aside from you, the only regulars to sit there mainly just consisted of one other guy who recently had started to drop in every few days or so to listen to music and do his own work. You didn’t mind him - he never bothered you, and you both kept up your mutual solidarity towards maintaining a very comfortable silence.

That was, until one particular day.

“Is that Othello?” You glanced over the book in your hand and saw the guy’s startlingly green eyes gazing right at you over his dark-rimmed reading glasses. He wasn’t wearing his earbuds as per usual, so you figured your agonized sigh of boredom must’ve come out a little too loudly.

“Yeah,” you finally answered, slowly lowering the book a little. “Unfortunately.” He cracked a slight grin at that.

“What, you’re not a fan of Shakespeare?”

“I don’t hate him,” you started with a fairly nonchalant shrug, “I just think this book in particular is just kinda-”

“Boring as fuck?” he finished very eloquently, causing you to grin back despite yourself.

“Yeah. Pretty much.”

“I can agree with that,” he said with a nod towards the book. “Definitely not one of my favorites, that’s for sure. Good premise, dynamics were pretty interesting, but I couldn’t really get into it either.” The fact that he was discussing Shakespeare’s works in a way that suggested he had fully read the book (without wholly relying on CliffNotes) and that he did perhaps genuinely enjoy some of them suggested to you that he was probably an English major. “And Iago was a bitch-”

“I know!” you nearly exclaimed, throwing your hands up in very evident frustration. “Iago was shady as hell, and I don’t get how Othello never saw it coming from him. Like, no one can be that oblivious, come on. I wouldn’t have listened to him.” RIP to Othello, but you were different.

He was actually laughing at that point, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You and me both. You an English major?” You shook your head, holding up your Psychology Twelfth Edition textbook that had been resting on the table beside you.

“Psych.” He raised a brow and you inwardly sighed.

“Jeez - at GU? I’m impressed.”

Being a psych student at your particular Gotham-based university was both a blessing and somewhat of a curse. The classes were phenomenal and your professors consisted of some of the best and most experienced in the nation - but that also came with the downside that the city you lived in had some of the biggest psychopaths and the largest insane asylum in the nation as well.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

“It’s not that bad,” you tried to say, but the smirk playing at his lips proved that you weren’t convincing anyone. “Let me guess, you’re an English major.”

“What gave it away?” he deadpanned, chuckling regardless as he closed up his own book and extended a hand out. “Name’s Jason Todd. I’ve seen you around a lot, but we never really talked, huh?” You smiled as you reached out to shake his hand, introducing yourself as well.

“I guess not. You usually look like you’re pretty busy.”

“Something like that,” Jason grinned, leaning back against his chair and sliding off his glasses. Without them, the lights somehow gave them an almost glowing effect. “I figured you wouldn’t want me to bother you.”

Bantering over Shakespeare with a cute boy wasn’t exactly your definition of being bothered, so you shook your head.

“Believe me, that was a lot better than Othello was.”

You saw Jason at your spot again the next day, then the day after and the next, lounging across from your couch and always seeming rather out-of-place with his black leather jackets and ripped jeans, but a welcome sight to you nonetheless. And just like that, suddenly, your visits to the library weren’t just for the sake of cardio and the ambience anymore.

He was surprisingly amusing to talk to, whether it was complaining about more books for your respective English courses or just ranting to each other about the struggles of being a student at GU. It was easy to bond over things like getting your midterms interrupted by random threats from the likes of the Riddler, or arguing over whether or not the city’s latest vigilante, some guy named Red Hood, was actually cooler than Batman himself.

He had been particularly passionate about that last debate.

Aside from being easy-going and annoyingly attractive, you also figured out that he was ridiculously smart, especially when it came to helping you with your English course. Whether it was explaining the deeper societal message behind a particular reading or helping you research topics for your thesis, Jason had a knack towards figuring out exactly the things you yourself seemed to struggle with.

“How do you figure all of this out?” You asked one day out of sheer disbelief after he connected The Catcher in the Rye to themes of disillusionment about innocence and one’s childhood, and not just towards the protagonist, Holden, being an ass. “Seriously, I thought I was pretty decent with this stuff, but you blow me out of the water.”

He shrugged it off like it was no big deal, sliding off his reading glasses and setting it on top of the wooden table you were at. You had grown fond of the way they looked on him.

“It’s nothing special,” he dismissed in response, lifting his gaze from the book to fixate it back on you. “You do great by yourself, I just kinda give you a little push with my interpretations.”

He did that a lot - downplaying the fact that he was actually smart as hell like it really was no big deal. The way your grades had started rising after he started helping you out proved otherwise, though.

“Still, thanks for helping me out,” you insisted, eliciting another slight smile from him. “It means a lot.”

“Oh yeah?” His tone had gotten cheekier as he leaned closer to you. “How much is a lot?”

“That’s up for you to decide,” you smirked, moving back and closing up your laptop. “Not me.”

“You know, if you really wanted to thank me, you should get a coffee with me sometime.”

“We get coffee together like every week,” you deadpanned and he sighed.

“Not like that. Like a date.”

It hit you like a truck.

“A date,” you repeated, like you hadn’t heard him the first time.

“Only if you were into that,” he added, trying to play it cool as he moved to pack his things into his bag. “I’m not working tonight, so I thought you might wanna give it a shot.” That was even more surprising, because he always happened to have a mysterious night shift going on. He never told you what exactly that was, aside from off-handedly mentioning something about motorcycles and Crime Alley every once in a while.

You were still letting it process.

“...if you don’t want to-”

“No, no - that sounds great,” you interjected, already starting to smile. At the sight of it, he managed another grin himself, an evident hint of relief flashing across his face.

“Right. Yeah. Cool.” He cleared his throat and shot you another grin as he tossed his bag over his shoulder. “Let’s head out. And I’m telling you right now, I’m not letting your broke ass pay for it.”

“Jason!” you protested as he laughed and nudged your shoulder with his, making you join in despite yourself.

At least Othello had managed to lead you to one good thing.

#pandemonium scrawl #I kinda want to see a fic where he works at like a bookstore or something #will i write it?#lmao who knows #jason is an english major #I like that headcanon surprisingly #jason todd is in college #jason todd #jason todd x reader #jason todd x you #dc comics #dc #reader imagine #dc imagine #red hood #red hood x reader #fluff #college au #kinda cute i guess

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vickylamore · 3 years

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NCT 127 During Online School

BRUH I FOUND THIS IN MY DRAFTS WITH A REQUEST THAT WAS DELETED FROM TUMBLR AND IM LIKE eH why not-

Requested? - Yes: Can’t find the ask since it was deleted by tumblr :(( Pairing - NCT 127 (members only) Genre Non Idol AU! University AU! College AU! Crack WC - 1k Warnings - n/a, horrible LMAO Rating - PG-13

[Main Masterlist] [NCT Masterlist]

Honestly speaking, these people would be okay(?) compared to the other units.

Loud but at the same time not as bad as the other two groups-

Um�� there’s like two distinct groups in 127; those who don’t care and the other that cares for their own benefit.

Group that doesn’t care (more into detail below): Jungwoo, Jeffrey, Yuta, Mark and Johnny.

Group that does care (partially, again, more details below): Doyoung, Taeil, Taeyong and Yuta.

Taeyong and Doyoung would actually get them to listen, though their reasons for doing it are completely different;

Doyoung would just ask them to shut up and listen to the teacher because he’d be genuinely curious about what they’d be learning and is already preparing his ten minute speech of the different topics learned over the class (NCT 2018 type beat) just for good grades. Other than that, he doesn’t really care.

Has his laptop taking notes and recording the entire class in case he misses something to put into his speech. In some classes, he’d actually listen but for this current class, he truly could care less.

Taeyong is just scared of getting called out by the professor and hates the second hand embarrassment when it happens to others.

As the mom of the group, does a lot of scolding but sometimes lets it go because he understands their boredom.

Honestly speaking, he would cook up something between and during classes and pass them around as snacks.

Taeil, like Doyoung, would be interested for the sake of learning.

If you think this man doesn’t care, think again.

MAN IS SMART, so, him being smart, wou;d be interested and invested in the class.

Some of the members would annoy him that’d he’d just grab his phone and go in the other room to concentrate.

He actually cares about his grades and wants to learn like a good boy (Taeil best boy 2020).

Johnny would in fact join Taeil, not because he wants to learn.

Hell, he could care less about his classes.

He’d go with Taeil because the teacher would think he actually is interested and is hoping it’ll give him extra credit.

NOT TO MENTION HE’D PROBABLY COPY ALL OF TAEIL’S NOTES-

Definitely has the time to drink 5 cups of coffee in the morning just to not fall asleep in, what he deems ‘the most boring class ever’.

Jungwoo really wouldn’t care, definitely is the type of student to not to shit in class and STILL get straight As.

PLEASE- he’d be the type to go on Zoom with a blanket and maybe a face mask on since he prioritizes his health over school (as he should).

He pays attention but at the same time doesn’t??? Would be watching Netflix and still be able to answer the questions the teachers asks him.

Alright so Jeffrey, yes frat boy Jaehyun would give absolutely no SHITS about school.

Invests more in his Alpha Chi Rho “Alpha” frat house than his actual school work.

Is on his home half the time and if he’s feeling extra special, would be on Facetime with the other boys.

Would get scolded by Taeyong half the time

He gets one of his many sorority girlfriends to do his work oops.

Yuta… well, I won’t say he doesn’t care.

Only in really specific classes like Biology, Anatomy anything to do with the human body and arts. Hella smart in those areas

IF IT’S MATH OR ENGLISH- he wouldn’t even join PLSJS

Or if he would, he’d distract Mark.

Mark wouldn’t care.

Yes he would, he would care. He just doesn’t like showing it toward others.

bro, Mark in glasses.

Has this huge fear of falling despite saying that he’ll drop out half the time.

PROCRASTINATES (me too, don’t worry) and starts stressing.

But he always eats in class.

“Guys, hurry up! The call is about to start and I’m already in the meeting!” Taeyong called from the living room, placing the laptop on the table before sitting on the couch. He rolled his eyes upon hearing no footsteps in the dorm, “if you guys don’t get here in the next minute, I’m not making chocolat chip cookies for you-”

Like expected, everyone fumbled into the living room, some of them even crashing into one another before settling either on the floor or couch.

“Where’s Jungwoo and Jaehyun?”

“Jungwoo’s still asleep and said something along the lines of ‘I’ll get better grades than all of you guys’ and Jaehyun is in his room talking to Sophie,” all of them groan in disgust at Yuta’s reply to Taeil.

“Doesn’t matter,” Doyoung scoffs while opening his laptop, “he’ll be here in à bit.”

“Yo Mark, pass me some chips.”

“Hell no, get your own.”

“Okay but the kitchen’s so far.”

And there the bickering commenced between Mark and Johnny, both foreigners at each other’s throat’s over a bag of Lays. The other members even knew better than to intervene, since last time that happened, the food was spilled on the floor.

“Can you guys not,” Taeil sighed and looked at the youngers, his textbooks and notebooks on his lap, “we’re in a zoom call and who knows when the professor is gonna let us in.”

“Doesn’t matter,” groaned Mark, glaring at Johnny, “he already has his second cup of coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts, why should I- hey!”

“Give it back!” Mark jumped over Yuta to get the food back, making Doyoung scoff under his breath, Taeil rolling his eyes and Taeyong hitting his head on the back of the couch while the others watch.

“I’m hungry!”

“That’s not my problem!” Yelled Johnny as both boys were now wrestling on the couch, playfully fighting or just fighting? Honestly, no one knows.

“Um anyways,” Yuta looked at Doyoung and asked, “what class is it?”

“Psych.”

“And this is where I take my leave--” Doyoung pulled the back of his shirt and forcefully pulled him down, swung his legs over the Japanese native man and glared at him. “You’re not leaving.”

Yuta pouted and groaned. He only sulked and turned back to the other boys still fighting.

“Can you guys not,” he rose his eyebrows at them, “the zoom call should start in a few min--”

Of course, since luck was on their side, both boys fell off the couch right as their professor let them in the call. Taeyong didn’t even bother to look as he virtually felt their professor’s eyes looking at them.

And to make matters worse, Jaehyun had to come out his room while talking to Sofie, “oh my god, no way they were roommates!”

“M. Jung, glad you could join us!”

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trivialoveclub · 3 years

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2020 Year in Review!

hey! i was tagged by the absolute angel that is ⚘ @unefleurofferte ⚘(tysm my love! 💞) for this 2020 tag! first off (even tho it's the middle of january already 🤡) i wanted to wish everyone a happy new year! not to get sappy 💀 but even tho i don't rlly talk/interact that much, it brings me a lot of happiness seeing u guys on my dash 🥺💗 i genuinely am supporting and rooting for you all and i wish u guys all the love and kindness in this new year bc you deserve it babes 💖

Rules: answer the questions about 2020 and tag some people to pass it on!

5 Fav Films You Watched in 2020

🎬 Soul (2020) "Your spark isn't your purpose. That last box fills in when you're ready to come live."

🎬 Onward (2020) "I never had a dad, but I always had you."

🎬 Klaus (2019) "A true selfless act always sparks another."

🎬 Diecisiete (2019) "You think I'd be doing all of this if I had no heart?

Maybe you're trying to get it back."

🎬 East Side Sushi (2014) "You know behind every great restaurant here, there are great latinos, in the back, in the kitchen, hidden. Prepping the food and making you all look good. Well, I don't want to be in the back anymore."

5 Fav TV Shows You Watched In 2020

📺 Like in The Movies (2020) "Do you ever feel like you're not the protagonist of your own story?"

📺 Given (2019) "Do you have anyone you like, Haruki-san? If that person suddenly disappeared from this world, what would you say?"

📺 Banana Fish (2018) "My soul is always with you."

📺 Masterchef Junior (2013-) Not a quote but Gordon Ramsay always says the dishes has "finesse" and now i can't stop saying it in everything 😭

📺 Next in Fashion (2020)

5 Fav Songs You Listened To In 2020

🎶 UGH! : BTS 🎶 "You're allowed to be angry, but bothering someone else's life, I don't like"

🎶 Fuyu No Hanashi : Given 🎶 "Just like the snow that hasn't completely melted in the shade I continue on with these feelings inside of me."

🎶 So Beautiful : DPR Ian 🎶 "My love is turning kinda gray / My heart is looking the other way."

🎶 PSYCHE : Joohoney 🎶 "All of the world pay attention"

🎶 Stay Tonight : Chungha 🎶 "Tell me what you wanna do, run away or stay tonight"

Top 5 Albums of 2020

💿 Map of The Soul 7 : BTS

UGH! ⏯ Black Swan ⏯ Inner Child

💿 Fatal Love : Monsta X

Sorry I'm Not Sorry ⏯ Nobody Else ⏯ Guess Who

💿 Ungodly Hour : Chloe x Halle

ROYL ⏯ Forgive Me ⏯ Lonely

💿 Mixtape [ PSYCHE ] : Joohoney

PSYCHE ⏯ Intro (Ambition) ⏯ DIA

💿 Chromatica : Lady Gaga

Replay ⏯ Sour Candy ⏯ Alice

Top 5 Books You Read in 2020

🤡 🤡 🤡

...i haven't read for fun in years 😔 i used to read a book every single day :(( but! i already have a list of ones i want to read so this year for sure im gonna be that girl again 🤧💅🏼

💌 How did you spend your birthday this year? 💌

uh hahaha 🤡 suddenly i can't read 🤡

well...i had to take my drivers test but i had no idea how to park so i mean obvs i was gonna fail 💀 so i got super anxious and then had a breakdown in the back seat when it was getting closer to my turn 😭 my parents had to reschedule it and take me home. i felt like such a disappointment. so it started off absolutely horrible, fortunately the rest of the day was a lot better but oof 🤪

💌 What was your most memorable day? 💌

i honestly cannot remember anything 😭 it's like one big blur but ummm...probably finishing high school! i felt like i could finally breathe 🥲

💌 What was your most memorable meal you had this year? 💌

hmm...ooo probably when my abuelita made us a bunch of paches de papa 🥺 i ate them for a whole week and i loved it entirely...my heart is pache shaped 🤧💘

💌 Did you find any new hobbies or interests in quarantine? 💌

hmm i don't think i got any new ones but i did get to be reminded again on how much i genuinely enjoy making food and like decorating/personalizing things! ☺💖

💌 What was the last big event/thing you remember doing before covid? 💌

uhhh i honestly can't think of anything? i literally don't go out 🤡 like im in chilling in this quarantine lifestyle bc nothing has changed for me 🤪

💌 5 good/positive things that happened to you in 2020? 💌

🌱 i finally escaped high school! 🎓🎉

🌱 i decided to take a gap year and the burnt out student inside me feels like she can finally exhale

🌱 i can't remember if it was in early 2020 or late 2019 but anyways I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENSE 😝😝 i honestly...do not know how i got it...i took 15+ minutes to park (as u can see your girl didn't learn her lesson) but bless that man for passing me i hope u have a beautiful life sir 😭💖 however i have not stepped in the driver's seat since then 💋 i refuse 💋

🌱 i honestly would say watching Soul 🥲💗 i've always been obsessed w my meaning and purpose in life and that movie rlly just hit home for me...i think about it everyday and im literally starting to tear up right now so let me just stop 🤪

🌱 hmm honestly just being home 💗 i now have an excuse to stay in all time and that brings me so much peace in my heart 🤧

💌 Biggest messages or lessons learnt from this year? 💌

that there's a lot to live for. and i rlly want to enjoy it? and like w the gap year i still feel guilty and still feel like im wasting time and not being productive (love being a capricorn 🤪) but im trying to not think like that...and the fact that Soul came out and it's whole message is literally like life is beautiful and it's meant to be lived 🥺 it rlly like...set that for me u know...there's so many little things that truly make me excited about life and i want to enjoy it and after those 4 years in high school of constant work and stress and losing my entire mind maybe i actually deserve it 🥲 so um yeah..sjdkajd

💌 And what are you most looking forward to in 2021? 💌

a lot ☺ everything honestly...wow omg that's so weird asjakjd ahhh 😭😭💘 [insert that paul rudd who would have thought not me meme] but i wanna do sm much!! bake and cook and learn to knit! and personalize my clothes and READ! and watch movies and shows! and i'll also be going back to school so i rlllllllllyyyyyyyy want to learn how to manage my time bc my procrastination truly fucked me in the ass in hs 🤡 but yeah im excited ahh! ☺

And We're Done!

oof my memory is so awful i feel like i can't remember anything that happened in 2020 🤡 this ended up being a bit long 💀 so if u made it to the end...thank u for reading...ily 😚💌 besitos for you! 💞

tagging these cuties 💘: @moonlattae @fluorescente @glossierjoon @ardores @star99 @jooniephoria @ahearthrob @catboyjm @yoongidisease @violetmoonlits @koyan @stardustyoongi @7blueside @m1amor @sobsyub @m8nstruck @souheii @1okyos @virgomoon @alevchaan @jihyoist

#i wanted to tag a lot of people ☺ but of course if u don't want to do it u don't have to! 💌#thank u again dear for tagging me! i honestly rlly enjoyed it! 💖#and if anyone checks out the music/shows/movies i hope u like it! 💌#oh and i added the spotify link to the album if u click on the title! 💃🏻💃🏻#tagged 🥰

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ateezgf · 4 years

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i need advice and motivation on how to overcome highschool :((

oooh this is a bit hard to answer because high school now isn’t quite the same as how it was when i was in it for obvious reasons. BUT !! i’ll do my best to help you!

i have a feeling that things may feel super.. tedious and overwhelming right now, no? especially since most high school students haven’t done an online class before. i had a couple online classes (because i failed apush & had to make it up so that i can graduate on time plus another random class just to boost my gpa mwah) in high school & it honestly is pretty rough! i know that this doesn’t sound very motivating, but i’m sort of trying to be like “hey, it’s gonna be a struggle but i’ve been there (hell, tbh im STILL there with college) and if i can make it, im sure you can too”.

online learning takes a lot of self-discipline. i know every household is very different and perhaps you don’t have the luxury space and privacy that so many study channels and other advice things rave about. that happens. i’ll finally start settling into my study mindset when suddenly my mom calls me over to her room & it throws me off my groove! i’ve taken a lot of online classes so far (even before it was forced upon me) and i’m still struggling with self-discipline and working on procrastination. the best advice that i can offer is trying to get yourself into a routine that best suits YOU. not something you feel pressured to stick to because a lot of people who post about their own study habits do it (eg. waking up super early [ofc if u have to then u have to but if u dont then well], studying ALL day, etc). it may take some time to find your specific groove that works for you & it might require some communication with family. just because you don’t develop a top-notch routine right away doesn’t make you a failure or any negative connotation. ESPECIALLY since this is (im assuming) your first time with remote learning.

it’s a really weird transition, especially if you’re body/mind is also already used to relaxing when you’re home. it takes time to break the association and have your mind recognize that home is a place to work now & it isn’t just for leisure or little tasks like homework. which is why you should have one designated spot to study/get work done at that isn’t a bed or couch or just anywhere you tend to sleep or relax on. this is something i learned in my psych classes, so!! like i said, you have to get your body used to the fact that school is happening at home now. it’s not an overnight thing for everyone. you want to do your best to avoid getting work done in bed if you can because your mind & body will register that as “oh? seems like it’s time for bed/time to relax” and start falling asleep or something. OR! your body will start to recognize that space as a place of work instead of relaxation & when it’s time to actually sleep, it’ll be harder to do so because of the association. if you have a desk or table or just any space you can sit up in and work, that’ll be my biggest recommendation~

hmm.. i also know that not every house allows peace and quiet either. i was fortunate enough to take advantage of apple’s student discount and got some airpod pros. BUT this doesn’t mean you need expensive, noise-cancelling earphones. if you like listening to music while you work, put your preferred pair of earbuds/headphones on to block out as much outside noise as possible! i don’t recommend blasting your music (dont wanna hurt ur ears now), but just enough where the background noise of your house or outside isn’t too much of a distraction should be fine~ also so you can still hear your parents if they’re calling you if they’re like that. [but also if you’re able to set boundaries and be like “i need [timeframe] to do my school work so please try not to bother me” then !!!! yes]. if you don’t like listening to music/can’t because it’s a distraction, perhaps try to find earplugs or maybe try instrumentals if the distraction is with listening to your favorite songs? like those foam ones that people at concerts wear and stuff, yknow? i can’t really study in complete silence so i can’t vouch too much about this one.

going back to finding a routine best suited for you, i wooould say that you should work during the day so that you can relax at night.... BUT!!!!! if you’re more of a night owl & your house is more quiet at night, definitely use that time to study/get some homework done. i’m assuming if this is anything like my younger brother’s online schooling, you’re attending zoom lectures during normal operating hours and then you’re essentially free the rest of the day. now, you could use that time to get your work done if that works for you. OR you can use that time to relax and do the other things you want to do (play games, work out, take a nap, i dunno) and then get your work done at night since you’re awake then anyway.

BUT LIKE I SAID, FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU!! i know things are really weird and hard right now, i get it. hopefully, you have a nice group of friends who are still making this social distancing time as enjoyable as possible & i hope you’re reaching your own mini successes. i wish i can give you more advice and motivation, but again i’m not really sure how to help you when it comes to getting through high school during these times ): .... but i am here to help cheer you on if you ever need the boost!!! if you want to celebrate your successes with me, i am more than HAPPY to hype you and your brain up. if you need a space to talk about something that went wrong academically, i’m here to help you feel better cause i have definitely been in that position before. also i may suck at math but im pretty good at english :D so papers and all that jazz? i can maybe try helping~

you got this! i believe in you (:

#eeee i really hope this helps #i got on my computer to better type this out aaaaaa #anonymous #answered

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baekhyuq · 5 years

Text

“Déjà vu.” | Baekhyun (m) Teacher!AU |Chapter 3

Title: “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.”

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Angst (maybe)

Warnings: Smut/Language

Word count: 2.2k

Summary: Your new obsession as of late has been masturbating sessions when your favorite cam boy is live-streaming . But too bad some nights you’ve got too much homework due from your Psychology teacher to watch your oh so hot cam boy.

deja vu masterlist

<<prev — next >>

The sun rays beamed down onto your naked body, which had been spread out onto your bed. Your laptop just in between your thighs.

“F-fuck.”

You moaned out slightly, your hips bucking up to meet your hand. You made your bed squeak slightly as you moved around, your climax building up on itself.

“Shit.” Your laptop’s mic spit out at full volume.

“Gah-“ You pushed your finger further in your heat, your heart was beating at a higher rate than normal. Baekhyun’s hand was resting by his red member, he has finished already but you seemed to not be able to reach your climax.

No matter how fast or hard you rubbed your clit or fingered yourself, there was no use.You looked around your room, as if Baekhyun would appear out of thin air and help you get off. Your eyes landed on your phone and you bit your lip.

There’s no way you would be able to call him and he not know you were trying to get off from his voice-

“Fuck it.” You reached for your phone clicking on his contact that was cutely assigned B-Bear. You couldn’t be more obvious. You pressed the phone to your cheek.

“Please answer,” You glanced at your laptop to still see his figure on your screen scrambling to grab his phone which was ringing. You smiled to yourself.

“H-hello?” He answered, his lips weren’t visible on the screen, his torso and lower half were the only things your eyes could scan. His voice was laced with lust but the stuttering made it sound so innocent and boyish you wanted to laugh.

“Hey, what are you up to?”

“I’m actually grading papers right now. What are you doing?” He lied, he sat a little higher in his chair, his hand sliding down to grip his shaft. You gasped at the action, rubbing your clit slightly.

“I-I’m trying to finish my psych homework. I just called to...” You got lost in your own hands movements, “I called to see if you could help me.”

“Help you? Psychology homework is for the student, sorry no can do Babe.”

“Did you just call me Babe?”

There was silence, you looked to the screen to see him covering his mouth with his hand.

“It was a mistake, sorry.” He responded in an octave lower than his usual voice. His hand had traveled back to his thigh, touching himself in an effort to cum again.

“No worries,” Your ears perked up at the quiet sounds from your laptop, you couldn’t hold it any longer. “Ah-“ You choked out a moan as you climaxed around your fingers. You heard a grunt from his line and you saw that he had came all over his hand again, for the second time.

“B-baekhyun, are you alright?” There was a muffled response, a quick “Yeah.” As if to disguise his climax ripping through his body. His hips were twitching and bucking off his chair, it was amazing how quiet he could be.

If it wasn’t for the livestream you’d think he was frustrated from grading papers. Not grunting over the mess you made him make.

“Fuck. Y/n I should get back to grading these papers. I’ll call you sometime, okay?” You could hear the smile in his tone. It made you absolutely giddy, the fact that your voice alone made him cum. Imagine actually fucking him.

“Of course, Baekhyun. Have a nice rest of the day.” You purred into the phone, turning on your side to face your laptop you clicked end call and just watched as his chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. He faced his camera and the live ended.

You smiled so hard your cheeks hurt, your morning was off to a great start.

A week or so flew by within a blink of an eye and you couldn’t have felt more stressed about all your Psychology homework stacking up on itself. You decided to try and catch up on older assignments and try to finish your homework later in the week.

In the middle of the assignment your phone rings, the screen displays Baekhyun’s nickname and you sit upright on your couch. You pushed your hair behind your ear before answering.

“Hello, Y/n speaking, furniture rental service.” You joked, you could hear his laugh before responding “Hey.” there was a little static on his end which indicated he was inside of a building with horrible reception.

“Where are you?” You asked, even if his whereabouts were a little too personal of a question, but hey you’re on the phone with your Psych teacher what isn’t personal about this?

“Im actually heading somewhere important.” You heard him say an excuse me to somebody before you heard a ding. Your right side of your mouth rose up in a lopsided grin.

“So you decided to call me?”

“Yes.”

“For what?”

“Open your door and see.”

Your head shot to your door and your eyes widened, you looked around your messy living room and you cursed silently. Your shoes were scattered around the floor and you had empty containers of drinks on the table, along with your pillows on the ground from where you sit and studied.

“Are you doing something right now? I can come back-“

“No! Just one second, I have to-“ You pushed all the pillows into a corner in the room and picked up as many bottles as your arms allowed you to carry, emptying them into the bin. You held your phone between your cheek and shoulder as you straightened your outfit out. Your very old white tee, that had so many holes in it you were questioning if it was a functioning shirt anymore.

“Y/n?” His voice rang through the phone.

“Coming-Oof!” You completely face fucked the floor, tripping over your shoes which were conveniently placed to embarrass you.

You could hear Baekhyun’s laugh from the door and the phone. “D-Did you just fall?” He asked through his gasping and laughing attack. You stood on your knees, without answering you ripped open the door.

Baekhyun’s laughing died down as he saw you, his eyes landing on your kneeling figure.

And oh the thoughts that popped into his head~ He was dressed in his padded coat, covering half his body, in one arm he carried a plastic bag and in the other he held onto his laptop.

“Study date?” You hopped to your feet, examining the plastic bag, basically taking it from his hands as you invite him in.

“More like, i’m here to push your ass to get your homework finished because you haven’t turned in 2 weeks worth. Plus I brought food.” He chuckled before sitting his laptop on the kitchen table. “Touché. Either way I get to eat, so i’m happy.” You mumbled happily.

As you and Baekhyun became settled into your sofa, finishing the chinese takeout he so graciously brought, you began your homework assignments. You groaned loudly, looking at your laptop as if it would your homework for you.

“Baekhyun help me.”

“What do you need help with.”

“Writing a whole five page essay on the different parts of the brain.”

“You’re still on that? I assigned that 3 weeks ago! Y/n!”

“Baekhyun!” You both looked at each other, his brows furrowed and your lips pouting.

“If you’re going to take my class I want you to take it seriously, no playing around or procrastinating. If you fail this class you will only be wasting your time and money. So start your essay and finish it before next week.”

Something about the way he told you sounded like a demand. A demanding Baekhyun in your presence was a blessing in disguise. You also felt naughty that you’d put off so much homework just to watch him masturbate instead.

“O-okay.” Your stuttering made his stern gaze soften, he swallowed before turning back to his laptop. You figured he would be grading papers like always so you turned your attention to your homework.

After about an hour of endless typing and listening to a show on the television playing music in the background, you were on the 3rd page of your essay. To your surprise these assignments weren’t hard at all, you felt horrible for not doing them sooner.

Your gaze fell on Baekhyun’s arms, which were crossed over one of your many pillows. His biceps were peaking from his short sleeved shirt, the veins traveling down to his hands.

Your legs were laid out on the sofa and your laptop rested on your thighs, you were as comfortable as you could get with a man so fine in the same room as you.

“I can feel you staring, get back to your paper. I know you’re almost finished.” He tilted his head at your wandering eyes. You scoffed, folding your arms over your chest.

“Three pages down, if I finish this tonight you have to give me a reward.”

“Deal.”

Your eyes widened, “Deal?”

“Yeah, only if you finish it today.” He smirked while his eyes rolled over his own screen.

“Challenge accepted-“

“But if you don’t, you give me something.”

Your cheeks stung and you were sure they were turning red, “Like what?” You managed to form a short question through your tangled thoughts. “I’ll think about it.” He let out a deep laugh that you knew had an double meaning.

Without hesitating you typed every thought in your head and tried to translate it to at least decent english sentences. But shortly you had nothing else to give this paper, you were on page 5 and half way down the page your mind blanked.

“This cannot be happening,” You smacked your forehead with your palm and tried picking your brain for any bit of information to add. “I have half a page left. Can I at least get something for that?” You mumbled.

“You heard the challenge didn’t you, and it’s officially 12am sweetheart.” Baekhyun’s voice was teasing, while you were on the verge of begging. “Are you ready for my wish genie?” Baekhyun’s victory smile made you forget all your pride and instantly start begging.

“Please Baekhyun, just give me 30 more minutes.” You were crawling across the sofa to reach him, stopping by his side to pull on his arm. “Have mercy, I am not but a peasant your majesty!”

You couldn’t help but to joke with him, he was just a playful personality. “I’ll give you 5 minutes to send it to me and i’ll read it over to consider letting you win.” He snickered.

“That’s a trick you know your email doesn’t update till the next day if it’s from a student!”

“Why cant you take the punishment.” Baekhyun laced his hands behind his head. You glanced at his biceps once more, before glaring at his face.

“Because I cant accept this failure.”

“Maybe one failure will teach you a lesson.”

“Baekhyun please!” You unconsciously ended up in his lap, begging. “You can’t hurt my pride like this.”

Baekhyun didn’t respond, he noticed how close to him you were and he didn’t want to move an inch. With you being so close you could feel the unaddressed sexual tension between you two.

“I-“ He began before I cut him off.

“Kiss me.” I demanded.

Baekhyun didn’t hesitate for even a second, his soft lips pressed against mine. The sexual frustration you’d built up over the past few days was finally draining itself out of you. Baekhyun’s lips were surprisingly plush and his bottom lip was caught in your mouth and you couldn’t help but to nibble at the soft tissue.

Baekhyun’s strong arms wrapped around your torso and crushed you into his chest. You let out a surprised yelp before placing your hands on his broad shoulders. His lips moved against yours in a dance, creating this exchange of blissfulness.

You felt Baekhyun’s hand slide up to the back of your neck and pull you closer, if that was even humanly possible. You were jealous at how much he could feel if you and you could barely feel him. The fluttery feeling in your stomach made you shiver in his grasp. He could feel your goosebumps on your back was his hand shifted under your shirt.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” You shyly asked. For a person who initiated this heated exchange of body heat you seemed a little hesitant. Baekhyun’s mouth opened but closed again, swiftly standing up and wrapping your legs around his torso.

Making his way around your apartment he sat you on the island in the kitchen, you both now seeing eye to eye.

“You don’t understand how long i’ve wanted to kiss you.” He admitted so shamelessly it made you slightly embarrassed. He slid his hand up your thigh, “You’ll never know the many scenarios i’ve imagined you in.” He grazed his lips over your collarbones.

“Oh? I think I have a pretty good idea.” The confidence came from nowhere but you weren’t going to not drop hints about his cam boy career.

“Mister B-Bear.” You whispered in his ear. You felt him tense as he brought his face from your neck to stare at you wide eyed.

“W-what did you just say?” His stuttering voice made you laugh.

“That is your teacher email isn’t it?”

taglist: @deliciouslydisturbed365 @92byunie @thenamethatisgiven

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thatonegirlwhodoesthings · 4 years

Text

End Of Year Review

Last time I was here I was way more of a mess yet I had way too much hope and, thankfully, I was right in having hope. Now, here I am at the end of the year in December and so much has changed but that comes with graduating and transitioning into college. Here is my end of year review in which I express what I learned about the world and about others that has impacted what I know and thought I knew about myself.

I spent half of my July unsure if I was even going to have the opportunity to actually go to college. I worked so hard and was so scared but when July 15th came and I paid my first bill to my school I knew that this was my opportunity. I also knew I needed to work really hard to be able to stay so, on top of this new pride in knowing I was actually, officially going to be going to college, I needed to take on more responsibility and got a second job. July is when I really started working my first job and it was new and exciting. Getting called in on my days off, having something to do and with this came a new sense of pride that I was working towards what I wanted. I became, to some extent, less reliant on my mother. Having two jobs allowed me to prove to myself, and other (but mostly me) that when I want something, I will work for it.

August was eventful. As it was getting closer to move in day, closer to me finally achieving a goal that has been MONTHS in the making, life around me seemed to fall apart a little bit. I was so focused on my goals and did not have the time or energy to dwell on the domestic abuse my mother was facing, forcing us, just months before one big transition in my life, to make another one. My mother and I were forced to leave our home and move in with her friends because it was the only way she could feel safe in the face of her abusive substance abusing boyfriend. While it was not the easiest thing to go through or witness for a second time in my life in a minimal amount of years, staying focus and having something I was working towards and looking forward to was helpful. Halfway through the month, after finishing at both my jobs and learning so much not only about pushing myself but also about the usefulness of saying no, I packed my things and moved 3 hours away to NYC for school. I was 18, not too naive but eager to learn and experience new things. Orientation in itself was an experience. I met so many new people and some ending up having such an impact on my life, even if they no longer exist as a necessary part of it now. They were relevant when I needed them and aided me for the time being.

September was when things started to pick up speed. If you told me in September that what happened would happen, I would tell you you were insane. I lost a friend, who even after only knowing a few weeks, was a person who was there for me, just turns out we were not meant to stay friends and that is okay.More importantly, I became closer with other people I had met and even met somebody knew who holds his own special place in my heart. I also, to my pleasure, had my first sexual experience with a girl while I was drunk and I would never trade that experience for anything. Even if I could not remember her name after and can barely remember it now. This night was actually the first night I really talked to him. Yes, I met him. He, had my heart thumping in September, filled with joy after experiencing this new moment with somebody I had never had before. He caused plenty of useless confusion for me that I know cannot even remember but without it, probably would not be where we are today.

October, my birth month, was nice in its own way. It was when I began getting close with her. Not only with her though, but I also got to know other people I had not known that well. I am forever grateful for these people as they created a community that I feel I could be apart of, while not having to always be apart of. Distance, I learned, is necessary for me. I need space from people in that being around the same ones constantly drives me crazy. This fact, is something I truly got comfortable with around this time. I also, against my free will, got closer with him but that's alright. I had a pleasant birthday and, came out to my longtime friend. She is great and I love her. I, being a little bitch, had to use ridiculous analogies to come out but it is difficult when somebody has known you a certain way for so long. You do not want to alter that image they have of you and possibly ruin the relationship. Her, being the bestest friend ever, was supportive and it unlocked this part of my life that I had been wanting to tell her. I finally had that chance.

October was disappointing still, in some ways, in that I did not do as well as I would have liked on my midterms. I was at school to do well and succeed, to further my education. And here I was, blowing that aspect off. It manifested itself in my less than satisfactory grade on my psych midterm. However devastating that was, it encouraged me to study for my other midterms which, thankfully, I did much better on. It was a reminder that procrastination got me nowhere and I needed to focus. It lead to me taking more thorough notes the second half of the semester and studying more.

While the first half of October leading up to my birthday was eventful in itself, Halloween was its own ballpark. You see, a week before I kissed her for the first time while I was tipsy and then went to him. It, for the first time, brought up a real issue I had to deal with. I like these two people and I do not want to hurt either of them. Halloween, I went to a party with her and, as a drunk dumbass, made out with her. I enjoyed it but it did nothing but confuse me.

November was filled with me going back and forth between him and her. I did not know what or who I wanted and while that part has not changed, I am dealing with the situation in a healthier way, to some extent at least. It was also filled with me getting my first writing job and therefore, my first step in the door to working with authors in the future and possibly writing myself. Furthermore, it taught me, more than anything, the absolute necessity of communication but we are still working on that one. It was also the first time I went home since August and it was interesting to see how nothing really changes when you leave. I feel as if I could leave home for years and come home and be completely unfazed. Everything is a cycle here. It is nice to be somewhere and go places where everything is always new. I don’t think I want to be stuck watching these cycles anymore now that I know how much more interesting life can be. I went to a wedding too and it was so beautiful. It reminded me that even if for a moment, love does exist, no matter what it turns into. It is so tragic how we let bad experiences way more heavily upon us than the good. Anyway, the wedding was great and it made me excited for when I marry my wife. So many people were complaining but I thought it was beautiful anyway. Watching those little moments between the bride and groom, even if nobody was sober, was so impactful. That is what I want from my wife and I want to not be afraid to let myself have it.

In December, I came back to campus a wreck. I spent a week long break barely talking to anybody and ignoring the two people who had the most impact in my life. The worst thing is me getting way too high my first night back and then having to have a serious conversation with her. I think she did not notice, but that night is blurry to me. A positive from that however, thanks to her, we were back on good terms after not speaking for two weeks and it brought us, to my displeasure, closer. That’ll be painful later but for now, all is good. Until I face the reality that there is a small possibility that I'll never see her again but that's neither here nor there and I have no right to be selfish and make that situation about me. I am concerned about her and hope she is okay or as okay as any college student can be. I just want to see her happy honestly. She deserves that at least. He I did not talk to for two weeks as well. Not talking to him until a week after I got back, I got drunk and was like alright I need to see him, after listening to Marvin's Room and crying which is my civil duty as an over-dramatic light skin. I then got more drunk and forced us to talk about our feelings. Now, we are in a better place we have been in awhile.

I left for break in a really good mindset. I feel as if I am in a good spot with the relationships in my life. I am the best mentally I have been in a while and honestly, have little stress. I am going to soak in this place for as long as I can.

So, how would I rate my year overall. As far as learning goes and accomplishments, I would give myself a ⅘ stars. I accomplished so much and have learned so much. I have done so much and experienced so much. I accomplished things that, if you told my bum ass a year ago, I would say no, I did not do that because I would have never tried. Mentally I would give this year a ⅖. I have had some of my lowest lows that I have had in a LONG time. I believe that comes with big changes and new experiences though. It was just me trying to figure things out and, hopefully, in the future I will be able to process and handle similar situations better. I appreciate this year for everything it gave. Everything it taught me. Everyone it brought in and took out of my life. This will be a year I look back at and call life changing and I am so thankful for that.

Thank You 2019.

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epiphanicwiring · 5 years

Text

My controlling mother

I’ve been 20 years old for some months now, but it’s been a while I’ve come to suspect my mother is indeed controlling. Parents shape, in some way or another, even tacitly or subtly, and to some extent, our common sense, values and life perspectives, although it is in our own will whether we critically analyze them, follow or refuse them... Sometimes our concept of what is ‘normal’ is warped, and because it is ingrained in our common sense, we don’t doubt about its veracity until we pop some of our experience into a conversation with friends, our therapist or significant other, and they give you a look of concern. That is what happened to me: It’s no news I’ve been suffering from depression for years, so the first time I went to see a therapist was in 2015 (I was 15/16 then). I would walk from school to the psych’s, and I would wait until I was inside of the building to message my mother that I have arrived (I felt I would be lying if I did it outside the building, at the door, for example). I did it every time. My therapist found this odd: I naturally explained to her what I was doing, as it was something I was accustomed to. She was probably the first one to point me out that that was a bit too much. But I always did it: “School”, “Conser(vatory)”, “Psychologist”, “At [insert friend’s name]’s”. I knew that if I didn’t send her those messages, she would become worried, and call me or my friends, only to know that I was okay, and then she would get angry and I would have to stand it. Then I got into university in 2017. I got into the Sound Engineering career. This is a sub-story: Throughout my adolescence, I was pretty much interested in every career known to man. My grades at school were so incredible I had an average of almost 9.7/10 in all of the subjects that were in Spanish, since I went to a bilingual school (I have to admit, Physical Education was the only subject I failed at, and that’s probably why I didn’t have a 9.9 or something), and an average of 10/10 in all of the English subjects. That was no surprise, I was the ‘gifted, brilliant’ student child since primary school; I still can recall my mother’s facial expressions when receiving my grades when I was 6 or 7, crying of joy. It’s up to this day that no one who personally knows me (except for my closest friends and boyfriend) even dares to ask me how am I doing at university, because ‘I must be doing terrifically good’. Back to the sub-story, my main career choices were Astronomy, Psychology, Fashion Design, Medicine (I’ve been interested in Neurology, Neuroscience and Neurosurgery for quite a long time now) and Music. That’s quite a lot, yeah. But my main dream was to be a composer. So when I was around 14 years old, I happily expressed this to my mother. “Composition? You want to study Composition? You’ll starve yourself to death. You can’t live off it”. (The same answer I got when I was little and dreamt of being an astronomer, by the way). She followed it with: “You have such a brain you could be a neurosurgeon. That’s what you could be”. As if composing were easy, right? But yeah, she was... Right, I was too intelligent to waste my time composing. So I crossed out “Composer” from my careers list and never thought of it again. From that time to when I was 16/17, I was desperate to find ‘that’ career, the one that would suit me like a ring. “What career could mix the arts with the “hard sciences”? Does something like... Sound Engineering exist?” and then I googled ‘Ingeniería de Sonido’ (Sound Engineering) and I found out that the career was only taught at Untref, 2 hours away from where I live, out of all the places Argentina has to offer. (If you want to know, yes, I have 4 hours of daily commuting, without counting the less extreme commuting to my music conservatory which is 20 minutes away with a lot of traffic). Studying Sound Engineering at Untref does not equal to graduating as a producer, nor a record engineer. Of course you can work in those fields, but to put it bluntly, as many professors say, you would kind of be wasting your degree; you would be more in the side of submitting papers and working with huge acoustic solutions companies than recording an album in a studio. So, at first, my mother thought it had to do with, you know, the music industry: “(The university) It’s too far away!”, “I don’t want you to study this!”, “It’s full of boys, you will feel bored”, “Remember, you could be a neurosurgeon”. But I really wanted it, and I won the battle: I got inscripted, I passed the exams, I got into the career. When I chose the career (16 years old), I was pretty much disencouraged from following a career in music. I felt mediocre, despite what my double bass teacher expressed to me (”I don’t think you should follow another career, you have all of the potential to be a professional double bassist”, he said to me. He even recently told me to substitute him in the Bass Department when he retires). I felt too old, too intelligent and too much into academia to follow a music career. “I don’t even practice 4 hours a day”. Why? Because I had to stand out at school. Because that was “a priority”, in the words of my mother. So I was prepared to leave music behind and be the best sound engineer in the scene. Too bad I was... Severely depressed. And I failed, and failed, and failed... Course after course. I wanted a gun or a million pills so bad, I wanted it all to fade away. It was in the mid-term of 2017 that I noticed I was doing horribly, emotionally and psychologically. I couldn’t get out of bed, I had zero ability to focus, I lived off coffee and I had lots of emotional revolts. I needed help. I told my mother about this, and she didn’t take it well. “I give you everything and yet you feel like this”, “You’re just lazy”, “What you have isn’t depression, you just want attention”. She refused to pay for the therapy sessions, so I basically had to use all of my savings and the money I gained from giving lessons (It’s been years I want to buy a bow for my bass. Once I had to lend her 4000 Argentinian pesos I had saved throughout time, which is a lot, and she never gave them back to me, and never will, unless she buys me a bow or something). My therapist used to be my Psychology professor at school, and I knew he was the only one who could work with my mind at that stage, and really help me. I eagerly payed him until I had zero money of my own, and I told him I would have to stop the treatment. He appreciates me a lot as much as I do with him, and he offered me to keep attending the sessions paying half of what it was. I’m forever grateful and I promised to myself I will give him every cent back once I start to save more money. Still, I had to cut the treatment 3 or 4 months later (2018 mid-term), because it was my mother this time who was paying it, and whenever she had to give me the money, she tried to oblige me to stop going, or told me “You aren’t depressed anymore so why are you wasting your time going to the therapist, I cannot pay for it”. She loves to tell people with a smile that going to a therapist is useful and a wonderful thing to do, when in reality, she treated her daughter like actual shit for being depressed. She was the one who kept on sending me to a school where people bullied me for 11 years. She was the one who would made me feel bad about having a 7/10 or an 8/10 on an exam from time to time. She was the one who told me to ‘make myself strong’ instead of taking action to come to a solution. The thing is that, to this day, I still have some of the symptoms or habits: I break down mentally from one second to another (the trigger is usually her, or career choices, or body insecurities), I engage in suicide ideation, sometimes I hit myself, I fast, I cry myself to sleep, I procrastinate heavily on the Internet out of anxiety or I want to isolate myself and terminate any link with humanity. It’s not like I’m not depressed anymore. These symptoms come and go, but they aren’t completely gone. I was also diagnosed with anaemia last year. It isn’t that terrible in the sense that I’m not going to die, but it definitely made me extremely tired and dissociative (depression+anaemia=failing classes).

In early 2018, I had told my mother I was unsure about my career decision. Sound Engineering is an amazing field, but leaving music as a hobbie wasn’t really in my plans (having gained some of the confidence I had lost when I was 16, as previously mentioned). I was asking myself: “What if the only thing that stopped me from becoming a professional musician was fear?”. The fear to dare do something my mother didn’t approve of. The fear of economic instability, competition... What if I really starve myself to death in the music industry? What if I cannot offer anything good as an artist? What if it really is a waste of my intellectual abilities? What if... As soon as I demonstrated this (filtered, of course) uncertainty to her, she became a monster. She was angered, her voice’s volume slightly up, and her eyes... It’s the eyes. The way she looks at you when she’s angry or in disapproval. I’ve feared them since childhood. This also happened one time I told her I could maybe be biromantic or bisexual. I was 15 or 16, and I liked a girl I knew from the Internet. That was all, nothing serious, but even though I have always felt attracted to men, and my main crushes were men, I knew since I was little I had the capacity within me to love anyone from any gender. To me, love just is, even just trying to label myself ‘I’m this, I’m that’ is something I’m deeply uninterested in. That day, I remember, she left me ith doubts and hatred towards myself: “How could I possibly like a girl? I’ve always liked boys, there’s no way”. The same effect had the conversation about my uncertainty in terms of career choices. “How could I possibly be a musician? I’m destined to be an engineer. I’ve always liked science. I’ve always wanted economic stability. I want to live well. There’s no way I could possibly be a musician”.

When I started university, I made wonderful friends. And of course, we talk to each other whenever we can. There was one occasion I mentioned during a conversation how my mother tracked me by GPS. One of my friends found this terrible. I also mentioned that not only she tracked me, she also kept asking me to message her where were I: “At [bus number]”, “Uni”, “Subway”, “At [insert friend’s name]’s”. There was one time I was in a Calculus class and I saw she was calling me (fortunately I always have my phone silent, something she hates). I had to go out and talk to her. She had been using the GPS and she couldn’t stop the panic button. According to the GPS’ map, I was somewhere else (this glitch happened quite a few times) and because I forgot to send her the “Uni” text informing her that I, in fact, had arrived at university, she was extremely worried. She listened to my friends’ voices and became calm.

Another thing she does is waking me up when she wants to. If I don’t, she becomes very angry. When does she wake me up now, in vacations time? 8 or 9 AM. That’s already too late for her. What does she do? Come up to my bedroom and all of a sudden, open the door, threatening me with something if I don’t wake up. Or telling me I HAVE to go buy something for her work by 10 AM because she has forgotten to do so. That’s not the worst, she recently got to the stairs (the stairs that take you to the second floor, which are located above my bedroom’s ceiling) and she started DANCING making a lot of unnerving noise.

Sometimes I don’t want to eat and she would come up to me and tell me “You are not going to eat? Okay, I’ll take you to the psych guards and let you there”. Oh, and she’s used to taking photos of me and sending them to people knowing that I’m extremely self-conscious and that that could cause me an emotional turmoil.

In September 2018 I started dating the love of my life. Unfortunately, as much as I want to keep an upbeat predisposition, my mother has been a topic of discussion and an obstacle to my general well-being in this realm as well. Again, how can someone be completely happy when they are temporally and physically restricted by someone else? Going out with my boyfriend and spending quality time with him is definitely one of my most favourite activities. But again, there she is: “Let me know when you find him”, “Tell me when you’ve arrived to the place”, “I don’t want you two to be alone”, “Don’t be back late” (late to her is 9 PM), “Solange, when are you coming back home???”. At first I didn’t notice the chains were so heavy. But after various events and discussing this with my boyfriend, they really are. For example, she would prevent me from going to a party or going out for dinner with him “because it’s too late”. I recently tried to let her see that the dangers of the city are inevitable, and that I’m already a grownup adult who has the right to make her own decisions (and of course, I will provide myself of safety as much as possible). With her logic in mind, I practically can’t get out of my house. As usual, she tried to make me feel as if I was the irrational one. Her arguments are: “I’m the one who provides you of housing and basic resources (so she’s the authority in here)”, “If something happens to you, I’m responsible”, “You never help me in the house and you DARE do the opposite of what I tell you to do”, “I’ve been working all day and you went out and had a great time so you can’t say anything to me”. Her gaslighting me makes me doubt if maybe I’m wrong and I have to play by her rules. In the past I would rather had her in my side, but now more than ever I’m totally certain that it is my life that’s at risk, and that as an adult, my rights to choose cannot be prohibited nor taken away from me.

I would like to know what do you guys think of this, and any help in the form of advice, observations, arguments and ideas on independence will be very much appreciated. If you happen to have controlling, abusing or toxic parents and would like to discuss about it, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me.

#Controlling mother #Parenting #Bad parenting #Abusive parents #Toxic parents #Toxic mother #Manipulation #Gaslighting #Personal #TW: Depression #TW: Suicide

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tsukkeirock · 5 years

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30 questions challenge

Rules: Tag the person who tagged you, answer the questions, tag 20 people

Thank u @hystericalroger for tagging me!! 💕💕💕

1. How tall are you?: 5'2-5'4 I'm not sure haha but it's in that range

2. What color and style is your hair?: I have really dark hair, shoulder length and i have bangs that are growing out hehe i look cuter with bangs so yea

3. What color are your eyes?: A dark brown, nearly black i guess but there's a bit of brown

4. Do you wear glasses?: Yep! I have astigmatism basically :> I'm not really blind but things get a little blurry if i don't wear them

5. Do you wear braces?: Yes!!! And I am in immense pain right now because i got my wires again yesterday and found out that I'm really gonna have my 2nd or 3rd molars removed by surgery this summer so yay :') send help pls huhuhuhu

6. What is your fashion style?: 80s-90s Art hoe ish. Basically just mom jeans, striped shirts, ribbed tops,mens sweaters, sometimes art socks and vans or converse :> but i mostly wear shorts right now because it's really hot in where i live

7. Full name: I'm not gonna put my full name here but my second name is Martha and that's kinda where i got my online name which is mat hehe

8. When were you born?: July 20 '01 :> i nearly have the same bday as brian uwuwuwu oh yah guess who's gonna be legal this year yeet

9. Where are you from and where do you live now?: I'm from the Philippines and i live somewhere in manila ahahaha

10. What school do you go to?: I'm not gonna say what school specifically bc there's multiple branches of this school so Im studying in St Paul University so im a paulinian basically :'))

11. What kind of student are you?: I'm a really quiet one ahaha like i don't really recite and i have average grades and of course i procrastinate alot but I try not to and I'm described as 'masipag' I don't know how to translate this but it's something like productive in a way?? idk my filo mutuals would get it so ahaha sorry but I always try my best in school :))

12. Do you like school?: It's okay i guess hahaha there's just some subjects I don't like hahaha oral communication I'm looking at you

13. What are your favorite school subjects?: So I just finished 1st sem and honestly i don't really have a favorite but i like science, personal development, mandarin even tho it's just a club activity and literature haven't had the subject yet but I already like it hahaah

14. Favorite TV shows: Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, , NCIS, Brooklyn 99,Big Bang Theory, Orange is the new black, Hannibal

15. Favorite movies: I have a lot of faves ahaha but I'll list a few that I really like

Call Me by Your Name, Kimi no nawa, The Hobbit and LOTR series, Les Miserables, American Psycho, Studio Ghibli Movies, The Breakfast Club, Marvel movies and of course Bohemian Rhapsody

16. Favorite books?: I have some classics that are my faves like The Great Gatsby, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Half Blood Prince, The Hobbit, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Ryunosuke Akutagawa short stories and Shakespeare's A midsummer nights dream and Sherlock Holmes stories and i have some modern faves like Lang Leav and Michael Faudet's works, To all the Boys I loved before series it's really good omffjkd, Percy Jackson and Magnus Chase series, Fangirl and Eleanor and Park

17. Favorite pastime: Sleeping lmao, playing the uke guitar and piano, reading actual books and fanfics, hanging out with fam and friends, eating and baking

18. Do you have any regrets?: Yes, a lot of regrets but hey that's alright

19. Dream job: I don't really know im still trying to figure that out but probably somewhere in psych, law or crime related careers

20. Would you like to get married someday?: Marriage is cool but i don't know yet but maybe, I'm still young and I barely date but thinking about marriage makes me anxious somehow?? idk

21. Would you like to have kids someday?: I don't know man, I like kids but having kids of your own takes full responsibility and commitment and I don't know if im ever ready for that so I'd rather be an aunt even tho im already one and have nephews and nieces ahaha

22: How many?: well if i were ever planning to have kids, maybe 2

I'd rather have cats and puppies as my children cough

23: Do you like shopping?: I guess?? I window shop most of the time and i buy food, books and stationary most of the time but right now I'm saving ahahaha

24: What countries have you visited?: I went outside the country twice and the countries I visited is Singapore and Hong Kong

25. What’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?: I had very few nightmares and most of them happen when I have sleep paralysis and I'm not really scared of them about but I had a dream where it kinda made me anxious and I woke up sweating and i couldn't breathe properly so yah I don't remember much of the dream but it did made me freak out when I woke up

26. Do you have any enemies?: idk?? There's people who thinks I'm annoying but they're not really threatening like heck we fucking spilled tea we had a freaking tea party with some friends so none i guess

27. Do you have a s/o?: nope! lmaaoo I wish but hey self love comes first ;) but srsly tho im so lonely date me pls

28. Do you believe in miracles?: uuuhhh not really I'm a bit of an atheist so no

imma tag @whoevenisgalileoos @heyyyydee @queenrogerina @doing-allright @sneakydeakyy @drowsyroger @bensroger-tay @ben-hard-on @marshzzellow @moonvinyls @dancing-deacon @ddeaky I don't really know who to tag so hahaha just want to get to know u guys a little better ahahha yall don't have to do this btw hehe

#tag #tag game #wuwuuw this is fun lmao

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autismus-obscurus · 6 years

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Once again sorry for the lack of posting. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed right now. Everything seems to be happening at once and I just want to scream. [This isn’t an AAW post or anything, just a rant, I need to tell this to SOMEONE.]

First off, last friday, my brother celebrated his 30th birthday, which is cool. I like hanging out with him, he’s a cool dude, his wife is super sweet and they have a kid now. Preparing the room and allw as really fun as well. Just... the party had nobody even near my age except for his other half-sister who brought two friends and are very NT 18 yo glam girls. I literally did not know anyone and spent my time eating and standing around for everybody to see how unfit I was for this place. Plus, sleeping at a hotel without a decent pillow and my plush friends didn’t help.

The week has been tedious, I was out from 8am till midnight on tuesday, and had a five-hour class today, tomorrow I’ll be going to a concert, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages, but seems horrifiying in my current state. (Epica once again my folks, I love them but... why this week?) Then on Sunday I’m tutoring this kid and wanted to meet a friend.

Everybody seems to want decisions from me right now. I need to reschedule the exam I literally just got the appointment for, because it interferes with another exam on the same day that I didn’t know about. It’s not a big deal, really but UGH, really? (plus, some embarrassment about saying something about it to the professor of the second exam who looked pretty pissed, I don’t wanna get anyone in trouble and they’re all gonna think what an incompetent student I am for not handling this quietly like everyone else, can someone shut up my brain please)

I also have to make another decision that’s really hard for me: Tony Attwood’s seminar in Cologne which sounds really interesting - it deals with ASD symptoms in afab people and autistics suffering from depression which, let’s be honest here, would be useful information for me. But I’m also scared because what if he turns out to be awful? (I mean, I assume the room will be filled with parents, “specialists” and other NT students, who takes some blue-haired 21yo who stumbles over his words serious, even if I managed to speak up?) Plus, the day of the seminar is the same as my tattoo appointment. I can reschedule it two times without problem, but there are MORE possibilities of things interfering with my schedule in the future, because my college is a mess. I also don’t wanna cause any inconvenience to anyone because I can’t get my shit together. And I’m looking forward to the tattoo so much, I don’t want to wait longer :/

EDIT: Oh and of course the other artist I messaged and who didn’t respond for like 4 weeks (for valid reasons I’m sure) before I knew that the one I have an appointment for rn will be a lot more expensive than expected? Yeah she turned up again and while I’m more than willing to get this tattoo as well I’m just??? Too much pressure to respond??? Also money is a thing.

Tuesday was exhausting, because I had one psych class in which I learned I will need to do a presentation this semester (UGH), three language classes and then went to the cinema. I don't regret it, but the language thing leads me to something that’s been a huge problem, namely that a day only has 24 hours. Since the third semester I haven’t written shit. I’ve also eventually stopped drawing. My SpIn has been learning languages. But I just can’t do everything, and doing one takes time away from the other. I’ve been working on a little AU this week, I wrote a few pages, but it’s left me no time for all the other stuff I should have been doing and it feels terrible (I’m actually procrastinating my Dutch homework right now, is that not great?) I haven’t studied since at least Wednesday last week, and I have’t touched my Bachelor thesis since Sunday, I even tend to forget I need to do that, I don’t want to. I always play it off, saying, “oh well I’ll just do seven semesters instead” but there’s my supervisor who will probably start asking questions if I don’t get my shit together.

Oh and I also came out to my mom and a friend and made an appointment at a transgender counceling service, in secret, and have to get there without my dad (who works at the university and literally drives me there every day) noticing ((:

Overall, I will pick up on AAW when I feel able to, but life is just so exhausting right now, I don’t know what to do, I just want to sleep for 34759 days

#rant #dev rambles #no reblogs please

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niallismymuse · 6 years

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Chapter 3

Midterm’s week was hell; not as bad as Sadie knew final’s week would turn out to be, but hell all the same. Especially as this was her first time in college. She was feeling poorly about her algebra exam, which she had taken today, but not poorly enough to study for the history exam she had on Friday. She should be giving her essay for comp one final look-over before turning it in tomorrow afternoon, but, well, procrastination was an essential part of student life.

So, instead of doing anything meaningful, Sadie was entirely focused on painting her fingernails a deep purple. It was ridiculous – she didn’t even like painted nails. Within a few days, her nails would be scrubbed clean.

But it was something she could focus on instead of going over her algebra midterm in her head, so there she was. She was good at it, though she rarely did it on herself. Sadie was rather good at makeup in general, which her sister Becca had been thrilled with; any formal dance was a reason for Becca to look outstanding, and it was her older sister’s job to make it happen. Though, she privately thought, Becca didn’t need the makeup.

Sadie didn’t like to apply makeup on herself. It made her feel queasy, because the one time she had done it, she had made herself look…well, stunning. And Sadie knew, if she wanted to, she could make herself look like that every day, and as naturally as possible. She could change herself. And that didn’t sit well with her.

Her tongue poked out of her lips as she focused intently on swiping a nice coat over her thumb nail. She needed to focus – the last thing she wanted was to get purple nail polish all over her gray quilt.

Her psych exam was tomorrow; part of Sadie wanted to look over her notes for that, but she knew she had it in the bag. Something about psychology clicked with her. And she didn’t want to shake up her foundation by studying too hard.

Her phone buzzed, and she glanced at it. It was a text from Niall. Sighing, Sadie screwed the cap back on her nail polish, fanned her fingers, and then tapped on her phone to open the message.

Hey, Sadie! Want to come to a party with me?

The words didn’t register at first. She was too busy feeling pleased with herself. Niall’s picture was of himself with a paddy cap on, and his glasses (“You look like a grandpa,” Sadie had noted, hardly repressing a giggle. “And what a wonderful grandpa I would be,” Niall had replied, smiling.). She had taken the picture when he wasn’t paying attention. It was truly wonderful.

But she sighed as she read the message. Nope, not really, was her response. A bit blunt, but that’s how Sadie was with Niall.

His response chimed in a moment later. She hadn’t bothered with continuing to paint her nails, knowing Niall would text back quickly.

Awww, why?? :(

Because I have an exam tomorrow morning and I don’t want to be hungover for it. Oh wait, you have that same exam at the SAME time!

That was passive aggressive. Also, just because it’s a party doesn’t mean you have to drink.

He had a point, which Sadie wasn’t happy about. Truthfully, she had never been to a party before. She had never been invited to one, since she wasn’t cool enough, apparently. It was nice of Niall to invite her to one - she just wasn’t interested.

It’s just not my scene, Niall. Thanks for the invite, though. I appreciate it.

Sadie closed her phone and continued with her nails. When she was finished, she checked her phone, only to see that he had merely replied with the thumbs up emoji. Sighing, she fanned her hands out, trying to dry her nails.

Once that was done, she had nothing else to do but study. Reluctantly, Sadie grabbed her history textbook and flipped it open.

Later that evening, after binging some episodes of The Office (she started watching after she finished studying for history), Sadie decided to call it a night. She pushed her laptop off of her lap and onto the bed and stumbled blearily towards her dresser. The lights were off, and her eyes were blurry from watching too many episodes in the dark.

As she was changing into pajamas, a knock sounded on the door. Sadie paused, one leg in her plaid pants, the other raised halfway in the air. The knock came again. Sighing wearily, she tugged her pants on and walked to the door. It was almost eleven at night, and it was midterm’s week. Who would it be?

It was Niall. Sadie wasn’t terribly surprised.

“Sadieeeeee!” He grinned and walked in. Actually, tripped in would be more accurate – he accidentally stumbled over his own feet, and tumbled inside her dorm room. “Wasn’t sure if ya would let me in.”

To be fair, she hadn’t let him in. He had just come in. “Why wouldn’t I?” She asked, a touch warily. Niall was drunk. That was obvious from how he said her name, and how he tripped into her room. So much for not needing to drink at a party.

Niall shrugged, looking mopey. He plopped down onto her bed and sighed heavily. “Dunno. Ya wouldn’t…wouldn’t come to the party with me. Don’t ya like me?” He was slurring, albeit not too heavily. An accent, which Sadie hadn’t noticed before, was slowly becoming prominent.

Sadie smiled a bit, standing uncertainly in front of him. “Of course I like you. I just don’t like parties. And I’m not a fan of alcohol.”

Niall waved his hand, nearly slapping himself in the face in a process. Sadie almost giggled. “That’s not the point,” Niall muttered. “We could have done somethin’ else.”

“You’re the one who asked me to go to a party with you.”

“Meh.”

Sadie rolled her eyes, amused in spite of herself. “Alright, well, it’s late. You should probably – “

“What are ya doin’ over winter break, Sadie?”

She sighed and sat down on her bed, folding her hands neatly across her lap. “Probably going home to see my family. Why?”

Niall frowned to himself and kicked his foot, looking a little bit like a petulant child. “Lucky.”

Sadie blinked. “What do you mean, ‘lucky’? Aren’t you going to go home too?” She had never thought anything different. She had heard that hardly anyone stayed on campus. It would be lonely. And Niall was such a great guy, so charismatic…he had to have someone to go home to, right? A girlfriend, if not family?

Niall sighed heavily and took his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes. He was savoring the pause, she realized. Drunk Niall was more dramatic than Sober Niall, it seemed.

He placed his glasses back on his nose, and pushed them up. “Nope.” He answered simply, popping the ‘p’. “I’m stayin’ here for break.”

“Hmm.” Sadie hummed, not entirely sure of what to say. She wondered why he was staying on campus, but felt uncomfortable asking. Niall was clearly in some kind of mood, or really, several moods. He was jumping all over the place. “Well, Niall, we both have that psych test tomorrow morning, so…”

It took him a few seconds to hear her. “Right,” he finally said, looking vaguely disappointed, but she didn’t know why. “That’s right. I should head home. Thanks, Sadie,” He stood up and walked towards the door. She didn’t know what he was thanking her for, either.

Sadie followed him to the door, opening it for him. Niall smiled, cheeks stained red from drinking, and ambled out the door. She leaned against her door, watching him, as he stumbled down the hall, and sighed.

It was bitterly cold outside. She wasn’t entirely sure Niall would safely get back to his dorm room. What if they found his frozen body out on the campus square? Her conscience didn’t need that, especially right before a test. And, okay, she would miss him quite a bit if he froze to death.

“Niall!” She called down the hallway and Niall pivoted quickly, like he had been expecting it. There was a dopey grin on his face, even as he nearly fell into the wall.

“Yes?” He asked, staying quite firmly where he was, casually pressed against the white-washed wall of the dorm hall. Almost like he was trying to play it off like it was on purpose.

“Come…come back. I don’t feel comfortable sending you outside.” And I don’t have a car to drive you, Sadie added silently to herself. “You can stay here tonight. On the floor.”

Niall was still grinning as he made his way back, and certainly looked like he didn’t mind the floor. “Great. That’s great.”

A total 180 from his earlier moping, but Sadie wasn’t going to complain. She let him back inside and then looked both ways down the hall, hoping no one had seen. She was pretty sure her RA wouldn’t like the fact that she was letting another student sleep on her floor.

Quickly, she closed the door and locked it. Sadie grabbed two sheets and a blanket from her linens closet, and laid out a nice bed on the floor. Niall happily watched, twiddling his thumbs together, probably aware that he wasn’t currently coordinated enough to help. When a spare pillow was placed at the head of it, she stood and gestured to the sheets. “Well, probably won’t be comfortable, but there you go,” she told him.

Niall took his shoes off, focusing intently on the laces, as if his life depended on it. When he was done, he slid under the sheet and blanket. “Hmmm, I like it,” he said, and Sadie snorted before walking to the bathroom. Niall wasn’t just drunk, he was toasted.

She dug out some Advil from her cabinet and filled a plastic cup with water. He would need it in the morning. When that was done, she turned off the light and carefully made her way to bed, hoping she wouldn’t accidentally kick him.

Success, she thought as she crawled into her bed, tugging the sheets and blankets over her. It was a veritable nest – perfect against the cold leaking through the thin walls of her dorm. Her foot connected with something hard, then, and then she heard a muffled “oomph” from the floor.

“Niall?” Sadie asked, turning to look over the edge of the bed. She saw, then, her laptop propped up on his stomach. “Oh, God, sorry,” she muttered sheepishly as she snatched it back up.

“’S okay. Not every day where you have a laptop kicked off a bed onto you,” Niall replied easily, and Sadie winced as she hurried to shut it off. “What were you watching?”

“The Office,” she replied, reaching to shove the device inside her end table, its usual storage place.

“Hmmm. I’ve never seen that.”

“It’s a great show.”

“What season are you on?”

“Seven.”

Niall went quiet, and Sadie took the chance to settle back into her bed, hoping it wouldn’t obnoxiously creak. She pushed out a breath and stared at the ceiling, faintly illuminated by the lights outside her window.

This was a little weird. It couldn’t just be her feeling that way. Every shift, every breath made her think, oh, there is another person in my room with me. It wasn’t exactly bad, but it was strange. Sadie hadn’t gone to very many sleepovers as a kid, nor had she shared a bedroom with Becca. She was used to having her own space.

More than that, though, her mind kept going back to what Niall had said earlier. She didn’t like the thought of him being stuck on campus, alone. It made her feel a little sad. She hadn’t liked watching him walk down her hallway alone either. And, damn it all to hell, Sadie was curious about why.

“Niall? Are you awake?”

“Yes.”

Sadie took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Why aren’t you going home over winter break?”

Niall was quiet long enough that she almost thought he had gone to sleep. She was just about to roll over to check when he spoke. “I don’t quite…get along with my family.” Niall whispered softly, and Sadie felt a pang in her chest. She got along with her family fine, but she had always felt like the darker corner to Becca’s shine. “My…my ma died, and my brother and I fought right after, and that’s…well, that’s all there is to it.”

Sadie was quiet for a moment, before she peered over the edge of her bed, looking down at him. Niall was already looking at her, those blue eyes bright.

“I’m sorry,” Sadie breathed out, her hair falling into a curtain over her face. She pushed it aside, only to see Niall smiling faintly at her.

“It’s alright.”

Through the deep fog of sleep, Sadie heard the ringing of her alarm. Her eyes fluttered open, and she groaned as she stretched. She fumbled for her phone and shut the alarm off, yawning quietly. Then she sat up and got off the bed, only to find a mess of sheets on the floor in front of her.

She blinked in surprise; she had forgotten Niall was here. He was still sleeping, breathing deeply. He looked peaceful, like nothing in the world could bother him. Sadie noticed, in the light spilling in through the window, how long his eyelashes were. It was something she had never noticed before. She took a deep breath and shook her head, before carefully stepping over him and padding into the bathroom.

Sadie brushed her teeth and her hair, and carefully tiptoed back into her bedroom to grab clothes. She hardly noticed what she grabbed, too focused on being quiet as to not wake Niall. She snuck back into the bathroom and changed, before noticing she had a tank top in her hands. She bit down on her lip and sighed.

She had a…funny issue with tank tops. They were fine to wear inside, and when she slept, but she didn’t feel comfortable wearing them around others, exactly. Even though she was trying not to let herself go down that self-destructive path, Sadie still had problems with her image. It wouldn’t go away overnight.

Then, she realized it was cold out and October so she would wear a jacket anyway, or choose a different shirt to wear, and felt rather silly.

“Sadie? Fuck…” Niall’s hungover voice filtered through the door and into the bathroom, and she sighed. She tugged the shirt on over her head, tossed a lingering look at herself in the mirror, and then grabbed the water and Advil and walked out to him.

“Here you go. You should get ready. We have to leave in about…” Sadie checked the time as she passed him the water and pill, “ten minutes.”

Niall’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Wow. U-Um, thanks so much.” He sat up and tossed the pill back, taking a sip of water before downing the rest of the cup. He looked warily around, and down at himself. “I…didn’t mean to get as drunk as I did,” Niall muttered and snatched his glasses from next to his pillow, perching them back on his nose. He squinted at her before running his fingers through his hair. “God, I’m a mess. Thanks for letting me stay here.”

His voice was rough with sleep, but that accent that had started to come through last night had mysteriously disappeared. Interesting. “It’s fine, Niall. I didn’t mind.”

Niall smiled a little bit and then stood up, a little shakily. “Well…should we head out then?”

“Ah, yes,” Sadie replied and grabbed a hoodie from her dresser, pushing her head through it. “Ready for the psych test?”

“Nope.”

“I’ll quiz you on the way.”

Niall grinned and then winced. “Sounds like a plan.”

The test went well, which Sadie was happy about. Or at least, it felt like it went well.

When she was done with her exam, she slung her backpack over her shoulders and turned it in. Niall was still working, and when she tossed a sympathetic look over her shoulder, he was hunched over and writing furiously.

Sadie loitered outside of the door to the lecture hall, hands shoved into her pockets. She felt bad that Niall seemed to be having a difficult time with the exam, but he did it to himself.

She needed to turn in her English essay, but she also didn’t want to abandon Niall here. Considering he spent the night in her room, and the hangover he was currently experiencing, it felt odd to leave him.

But, well, maybe she could do something to make him feel better.

Humming softly, Sadie started off at a brisk pace towards The Wholy Bagel.

Niall strode out of the lecture hall with a frown, and Sadie greeted him with a small smile and a cup of piping hot coffee. “Rough test?” She asked as she passed the drink over.

“Yes.” Niall chuckled, giving her a grateful smile before taking a sip. “Rough night. I’m sorry, again, for bothering you. I don’t know if I said anything weird, or –“

“Well, actually,” Sadie started, taking a sip of her own drink. She hadn’t thought about the conversation they’d had last night, until just now. She’d had other things on her mind, but it felt like a good time to bring it up. “You just, um, asked me about my plans for winter break. And your plans…for staying here…”

Niall went still, lips still planted on his cup. Those wide, blue eyes met hers, and then he swallowed his drink and coughed a little. His cheeks were pink. “Wow. Um, I’m sorry. I’m a bit of a sad drunk. I didn’t mean to…impose, I guess, any feelings on you.”

“Oh, no, no. They weren’t imposed on me in any way. I didn’t mind, Niall.” Sadie insisted quickly, her hand going to his arm almost naturally, a means to comfort him. “But, I thought you should know what you said. And you also told me about your mom…and that you fought with your brother.”

Niall’s eyes went glazed, and he pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Right.”

Sadie rubbed that spot on his arm, like it was the only tether to the world. “And…I just want you to know that…we’re friends. You’re here for me, and I am here for you.”

Niall gave her a pained smile, and put his hand over hers on his arm. “Thank you, Sadie. I appreciate that.” He murmured softly, and took another sip of his coffee. “I’m sorry to have dumped that on you, though.”

“Don’t worry about that, Niall, seriously. I want to help you like you helped me.” She smiled softly, and let her hand drop.

A silence followed, Niall distantly looking past her and sipping his drink. Sadie wondered, then, if she should have just left it alone, let it drift to the back of her memory. He was standing so stiffly in front of her, shoulders hunched in the cold. She needed to do something to bring him back from wherever his mind had launched him to.

“So, how was that exam?” Sadie asked brightly, tucking her arm into his and leading the way out of the building. Niall went with her, looking a little surprised, though a small smile tugged up the corner of his lips.

“Well, like I said, it was rough,” he chuckled softly, allowing her to lead him across campus. She was headed towards The Wholy Bagel, despite the fact that she had just come from there. After all, she had only gotten coffee, and not anything to eat. She was positively starving.

“Ah, that’s right, I asked you already,” she smiled at him. “Sorry about that.”

Niall waved his hand, looking more amused than anything. “How was it for you?”

Sadie grinned, despite herself. “I feel really good about it. I knew everything on it.”

“That’s awesome, Sadie. I’m glad.” He smiled genuinely back, no hint of resentment in his voice at all. It was the greatest feeling in the world – she felt light as air. She had never felt so pleased about an exam in her life.

“Well, I’ll buy you a bagel,” she smiled and patted his arm. Niall opened the door for her as they arrived at the café, grinning back at her.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

story page

#Niall Horan #Niall Horan fanfiction #Niall Horan au #au #niall fic #niall horan fic #uni au #niall horan uni ai #niall uni au

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londiwe-khambule · 3 years

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Standing on the edge of becoming an Occupational therapist

" If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not people or things" - Albert Einstein

31st of January 2014, marks the day was first introduced to concept of Occupational therapy. I was in grade nine and 14 years old going to 15 years old, when I was told that I have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I had to select the subjects that will carve my future which can only happen if I knew what I wanted to do. It was nine o clock in the evening when I was in my room, on my mother's tablet, researching various careers that where outside of medicine but close enough that it brought the same if not more, fulfillment and excitement. That's when I came across the profression of Occupational therapy.

That very same year my nephew was involved in a car accident and suffered a TBI (Traumatic brain injury). Yes, it was tragedy, but something good came out of it - I fell in love with OT. Although I did not have a full picture of what OT really is at the time, but I got to experience the profession's beauty first hand from the Traumatic experience and my family went.

Fast track to 2018, my first year as an Occupational therapy student. When I entered the seminar rooms/ lecture venue, I was excited, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed and scared all at the same time. Although I had an idea of what the course entails but I didn't fully understand what is expected from an OT. The transition from high school into university had been fairly easy, but the transition from high school into OT had been challenging.

First year was a huge shock. The work intensity, the long hours in anatomy practicals, and lengthy lectures were a huge eye opener - and it was only the beginning. It was all good and merry when I chilled with my friends in between lectures and procrastinating assignments and study for tests and exams, until it all caught up with me.

2019 was the first half of my two year second year breakdown. I had to to grow up fast and grab every opportunity at success with both hands as I had to redo two modules from my first year, caused by the combination of negligence and personal matters. I was devastated, and this reflected in the way I approached life and OT. I had no volition towards participating in lectures and lost the drive and passion I had for OT. I was a mess.

The second half of my two year second year breakdown, that being 2020,my passion was revived. The lectures at Ukzn have a way of lecturing and indirectly perform therapy. In the first two months, we had psyche lectures where we looked at different psychiatric disorders like depression, amongst others. Those are the two months I would forever treasure because they marked the period I found purpose and my passion for OT resurfaced. Just when I was getting back on track, the Covid 19 pandemic hit us and things took a left turn once again.

The rest of 2020 for me as an OT student was like living in a twilight zone. We had to find new alternate ways to study a very practical based and clinical oriented course while at home. The experience was very challenging, but we lived through it and survived.

Now it is 2021, I am in my third year of studying OT and close to the edge of becoming an Occupational therapist and it has been good. From failing modules, to being depressed and withdrawn, to facing covid 19 and trying to navigate through life whilst being an OT student, it has been hectic.

The good thing about my journey as a student studying OT is that it has been rewarding. I have got to experience the beauty of contributing to one's life by bringing meaningfulness and purpose through the fieldwork practicals we have done. Although I am studying to bring a difference people's lives, the study of OT has strangely brought a huge difference in my life. All the skills and knowledge one acquires from studying OT for the purpose of helping someone else, has brought healing, fulfillment and bliss into my life. The diversity, discipline and commitment that comes the profession has influenced my thinking and approach to life. Once one gets the OT experience it is impossible to view life in a different way.

In conclusion

Standing at the edge of being an OT is only the beginning. There is still more to explore and discovered within the OT diaspora. I am excited for the future and cannot wait to begin a qualified practitioner. Every fieldwork feedback good or bad, every text/ exam is the stepping stone to greatness. There is a quote by Babe Ruth that I had recently came across and used as my daily mantra, it reads " Every strike brings me closer to the next home run" . Indeed everything I do from this year going forward is my stepping stone to being an OT.

Resources

Parade. (2020, January 21). 150 Life Quotes — Inspiring the Happy, Good and Funny in Life.

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biopsychs · 7 years

Text

What I Learned From University (1st Year)

FIRST YEAR

Everyone is super friendly, especially in the first few weeks → Introduce yourself to the people sitting near you for the first few weeks of lectures. Everyone is looking for a friend or at least someone to talk to!!

If you commute, make that time productive → My bus ride was an hour there and back each day. It sucks but I would try to be productive for at least half of the commute. I have a post about being productive on public transport here.

On that note, stay on campus as long as possible each day → As soon as I got back home I would procrastinate every little thing. Stay in an already productive environment for as long as possible.

Maybe don’t buy your textbooks used → I thought I was being smart by buying used textbooks (most schools will have a buy and sell facebook page for textbooks). I ended up having to pay for access codes in order to do my online homework – access codes that cost ~$70 separately and came included with new textbooks anyways. Email your prof or talk to someone who has recently taken the class to find out if you need an access code. If you do, your best bet is to buy a new version of the textbook (unless you can get a seriously cheap used textbook).

Print off your timetable and find all of your classes before the first day → This helped me so much! I found exactly where all my classes were before the first day of class. I wrote down little tricks to help me remember where everything was (i.e. my calc lecture is in the arts and science building which is also where the only subway on campus is).

Don’t knock living at home to save money → If you’re lucky enough to have a college or university close to home at least consider living at home. Getting your own place or living in dorms is expensive. (But if you have to find off campus housing on your own, don’t leave it too late or you might not find a place)

Figure out the best way to take notes for each class → You have to customize the way you study for each class, all depending on the prof and the content. I hand-wrote notes for some classes (chem, calc, and physics), but not others (psych and bio). If you’re writing by hand you can always just annotate your textbook notes or lecture slides (if they’re posted before class). If you fall behind while taking notes, just leave a gap and check out a friend’s notes after class.

Adjust your expectations → Don’t expect to get straight A’s, like you might have in high school. You can strive for straight A’s but be realistic as time goes on. For classes I struggled with, I expected to be near the class average. If I was a lot lower than the class average then I would know to invest more time.

Make time for physical activity → If we’re being honest I hardly exercised during uni. Go for at least a half hour walk each day and try to start a physical activity routine. Get a friend and join a sports team, go to a fitness class, or commit to some form of a daily workout with them! You’ll feel bad bailing on someone else, plus working out is more fun with other people.

Review content throughout the semester → Reviewing little bits of content will save you a massive content review right before finals! Look through old notes while you wait for your daily coffee or take 15 minutes to watch some khan academy videos on stuff you learned in the first month of classes.

Think seriously about how much you can handle → Don’t take on too many responsibilities at once and consider all of your options! I worked weekends and some week nights throughout the school year. Looking back I should have worked less because my stress levels were way too high. Also, quite a few people I talked to took 4 classes instead of 5, for their first semester of university. I don’t think I would have done it, in the end, but it’s always something to consider.

Have fun but be responsible at parties → Always go to parties with people you trust!! If you didn’t do much partying/drinking during high school (like me), remember to pace yourself when drinking! Eat before you go out and have some water between each drink, till you find your limit. Don’t let yourself be peer-pressured into anything but also don’t be afraid to have fun! And check out if your uni has a safe walk program (someone will come and walk you back to your dorm or your car if you feel unsafe or nervous for any reason)

When procrastination hits, aim to be productive in some way → The only reason my biology mark was so high was because I would study biology whenever I got sick of studying for physics and calculus. If you know you need to study but just can’t do it, start by being productive in some other way – study a subject you do like, do your laundry, organize your study area, etc. Get your brain to start thinking productively.

Labs are difficult so be prepared → I had so many labs first year. Some tips: eat and hydrate before labs, never assume you can finish your prelab last minute, be nice to your lab partner, always remember lab safety (don’t be the person trying to wear shorts in the lab, TAs will not hesitate to kick you out), don’t rush through an experiment but be efficient, and ask for help (even if you feel like you’re bothering your TA).

Please go to bed early. Sleep affects everything → I was so dumb and would never go to bed early even though I had to be up at 6 am almost every day to catch the bus. Lack of sleep will catch up to you eventually!! Also, all nighters are not necessary, unless you make them necessary. I prioritized and never had to stay awake too late. And never pull an all nighter the night before an exam (you’re better off getting sleep and resting your brain).

Bring a water bottle everywhere → Buy a decent water bottle and always carry it with you. Even though my uni is small there are still tons of spots around campus where I can refill my water bottle!! Stay hydrated my friends!

A practice problem a day keeps the F away → This saying probably works best for science classes, but I guess a reading a day will get you somewhere too. Do something for every class each day, even if it’s just a practice problem or a quick reading. Develop a routine!

You’ll have lots of midterms → I was under the impression that midterms happened just once a semester (I thought I would have one week where I had a midterm for each class). That was not my reality. I had 2 or 3 midterms for each of my classes scattered throughout the semester. Study really hard for your first set of midterms till you get used to the high expectations!

Don’t worry about what other people are doing or thinking → This is mostly in regards to social media. I was bummed when I looked back on my first year of university, because I felt like I hadn’t done anything fun compared to other people. You only see the image that other people want you to see. You don’t know how hard someone worked or how hard they didn’t work. Just focus on you and how you can affect positive results in your life.

Other people literally don’t care about your appearance → My friend’s little sister visited campus and asked us “Why is everyone wearing sweatpants?” People literally don’t care. Dress nice and put lots of makeup on one day, because you feel like it, and wear sweats the next day.

Start essays and reports as soon as possible → You never know what might come up so be prepared for the worst! Outline your essay or graph your data as soon as you can.

Eat healthy and do meal prep → You can eat healthy during university! Set aside a couple of nights each week to do meal prep. Cook food in bulk to save money and don’t eat out too much. Try to have at least 1 serving of fruits or veggies with each meal or snack you eat!

Find a good study spot on campus → Explore your campus and figure out your favourite places to study. I had a couple of spots where I would always meet my friends to study and quiet spots where no one would bother me. Studying outside or in an area with natural light is always good.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your profs and TAs → This is the number one thing I’m going to try to do more of in my second year. TAs are chill to talk to and they can tell you tons of useful information on what upper year classes are like, which professors are good, why they chose to go to grad school, etc. If you’re struggling in lectures or labs, talk to your prof or TA! Make an appointment and be sure you can tell them exactly which concepts you’re struggling with or at least where you got lost. One of my profs told us he just waits hopefully during office hours for someone to come in. (Also profs love it if you ask them about their research or any topics they seem passionate about during lectures.)

Explore all the resources your university has to offer → My university has a program that is basically people bringing their dogs around for students to pet, in order to relieve stress. It actually works and gave me something to look forward to! Just be aware of your options so that if something in your life changes you know where you can go to ask for help.

Get a planner and utilize it → There’s no excuse not to have a planner of some sort. Use your phone, get a bullet journal, or buy a cheap planner. Have somewhere where you can record important deadlines and make to do lists. I also recommend back planning all of your studying at the beginning of the semester. Write down your midterms and finals dates and write down how much you’re going to study each day leading up to the exam. This way you’ll be able to look ahead at each month and figure out what needs to be done (i.e. getting an essay done early because the due date falls during a busy week of midterms)

This post ended up being a lot longer than I expected whoops. Take the things I said into consideration but remember that everyone’s experience will be different. Good luck to everyone heading to university!

My Other Posts:

AP lit tips

high school biology

organization tips

physics doesn’t have to suck: how to enjoy and do well in your required physics classes