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on knowing another

(longpost i’m so sorry guys it came to me in the shower)

There’s a vague undercurrent of a theme in the Penumbra Podcast about knowing another person. It’s subtle, but it pops up every so often. It’s shown in the way we get to know the characters, especially as we get an insight into their minds in season 3, but it’s also shown in their relationships with each other, and that’s what I want to explore a little bit more.

Peter Nureyev, as we get to know him.

In season 1, Nureyev waltzes into Juno’s life

"JUNO: out of nowhere on a beam of goddamn starlight"

in Juno’s own words, and we all see him as some incredible, untouchable, unbelievably sexy master thief who’s interested in Juno for some unknowable reason (maybe that’s the Juno kinnie speaking idk). We think he’s cool, we think he’s funny, we think he’s dangerous and we think we love him but really, we’re just interested in him. We don’t actually know him yet.

And then, we have Angel of Brahma. We see his past, from his own perspective. And that’s not how knowing another is supposed to happen, you’re not supposed to be thrust into it headfirst, but that’s what we get with Nureyev, and so one second we don’t know him, and the next, we know him better than anyone else, because we’ve seen that he isn’t perfect. Not because he was wrong to kill Mag, that’s a whole different debate, but because he was put in a difficult situation in which there was no right choice. It is impossible for any person to be perfect, and so it was impossible for us and for Juno to truly know Nureyev until we knew what made him flawed.

Diamond Hijikata

Let’s travel back in time a bit, to when Juno was with Diamond. We see Diamond Hijikata from Juno’s point of view, we know her the way Juno knew her, and it is impossible for us to know her any other way, because we only ever see her through Juno’s eyes. Juno thought Diamond was flawless. I might be projecting a little here, because I thought Diamond was flawless. Every time I listen to Embrace of Ice, I fall in love with the version of Diamond Hijikata in Juno’s head. Sometimes, she says things that don’t quite fit with that version, and I brush it off, because Diamond Hijikata is impeccable, perfect, and so even if she sounds a little condescending at times, even if she sounds like she sees Juno as a toy to play with, as a way to piss of her mother, I don’t believe it. I choose to trust her instead. Because I think I know her.

And then, we get the scene in the third part of Embrace of Ice.

“JUNO: I thought I knew who you were. DIAMOND: You do, doll. Nothing's changed. You've just... learned more.”

But everything’s changed. Diamond isn’t who I thought she was, who Juno thought she was. Her name was Diamond Hijikata, sure. She went to college. She had friends, mostly troublemakers. She liked protests, and standing up for things, and pissing off her mother. She didn’t like flaunting how privileged she was. And that paints a certain picture, doesn’t it? Of a girl who stands up for what she believes in, who uses her own privilege to help those who don’t have any, who refuses to let corrupt authority keep her down; and it’s hard not to fall in love with someone like that. But that’s not who Diamond Hijikata was.

Diamond Hijikata was bored and rebellious. Captain H says so, at the very start of Embrace of Ice.

“HIJIKATA: Doesn't believe a word of what she says when she gets like that. JUNO: I don't think so. When she gets on a tear, she's so…”

Juno doesn’t agree with her. Juno thinks Diamond thinks like he does, that she believes in what she fights for. But when those fights threaten her own life, her own privilege, she backs down, and we are struck with the ugly truth that Diamond doesn’t believe in what she fights for. She doesn’t actually want to help those who are disadvantaged. I’m not even sure she sees Juno as an equal. And the sad fact is, I don’t know who Diamond is anymore. Neither does Juno. And I don’t even know who to be mad at anymore. Diamond hasn’t broken my heart, because the Diamond I was in love with never existed anywhere except in my head. If I had to bet, I’d say Juno feels the same way. And so he doesn’t love Diamond anymore, he never did, but he doesn’t hate her either, because:

“JUNO: The older I get, the harder it is to blame someone for being the most honest version of themselves, no matter how ugly the truth is. I'll take it over a pretty lie every time.”

The thing is, Diamond isn’t a bad person. And you can hear that in her little monologue in Embrace of Ice part 3.

“DIAMOND: Because I’m not a bad person. I'm not.”

She’s right, in a sense. She didn’t really do anything wrong. She wasn’t in on her mother’s plans, she wasn’t trying to thwart Juno at every turn. All she knew was where the ballroom was. She even has a cute little story to go with it. It’s so human, so understandable. But it’s human in a way none of us expected of Diamond Hijikata, because she is not the version of her we have in our heads. If we really knew her, we wouldn’t have been surprised at her actions. So Diamond didn’t betray us, not really. She didn’t intentionally decieve Juno or intend to cause him harm. She just wasn’t who Juno thought she was. And that’s why her actions seems so surprising, why it feels like a betrayal: because we don’t know her. That’s why the thought of her hurts so much: because how are you supposed to mourn losing the person you loved if they never even existed in the first place?

(god, fuck, this whole essay began because I couldn’t stop thinking about Diamond Hijikata, she hurts me so much I can’t even decide how to feel about her. send help.)

Peter Nureyev again

We see inside Nureyev’s mind in season 3, and everyone jokes about how much of a mess he is, but the fact is we love him anyway. And we don’t love him despite it, we love him because of it, because loving another is knowing another and seeing their flaws and saying “I understand”. This ties into what Juno says to Vespa before the wedding:

“JUNO: …everyone thinks they know you, right? They make up a version of you in their heads, and if you don’t play the part right they start asking questions. Sometimes with words. VESPA: Sometimes with a look. I know. JUNO: Yeah. “What’s wrong,” “are you okay,” “you seem angry”... all that. But... I don’t know. One day I wasn’t playing the role the best and I could tell he just didn’t mind. Or... he’d already stretched the role out until it actually fit me. And I realized I’d already done the same thing for him.”

Juno knows Nureyev now. So far, he’s seen Nureyev switch between personas, seen Nureyev when he isn’t playing anyone, been inside his head, lived with him for a year and talked with him extensively about their relationship (I don’t remember any quotes for this one, but I’m pretty sure they mention it in season 3 at some point. Might be Shadows on the Ship?). He knows Nureyev, well enough that the version in his head fits Nureyev perfectly, and so Juno can be certain that the man he loves really is Peter Nureyev, and not a version of him, because he knows Peter Nureyev.

Slip Jackson

Little shift in perspective now, let’s stop focusing on Juno for a second. Slip Jackson, Nureyev’s ex, the guy who’s been driving the plot of the story for the past year or so despite being in a coma. He’s Nureyev’s first love, and he and Nureyev spend a lot of time toying with the idea of knowing each other. They knew each other when they were kids, about 10 years old, and they meet again 6 or 7 years later by chance. A lot has changed in that time — it might not seem like a lot to an adult, but kids develop rapidly, and don’t stop until about 25, so they’ve both really changed since they saw each other last, and they’ll continue to change. They’re young, and still learning who they are (god, it feels so weird to write that when I’m not much older, but anyways).

And so when Nureyev learns that Slip still does drugs, he’s a little horrified, because he doesn’t understand how Slip could be willing to take that risk. Slip clearly hasn’t developed or matured in the way Nureyev thought he would, and the two of them realise that they don’t really know each other all that well. Slip asks if he’d like to try drugs, and Nureyev refuses, and that’s that for a while. But then they live together for a while, and Slip offers Nureyev a way off Brahma, and he tells him about his dream, about the drug he wants to make. And Nureyev, who’s just figured out that he has the biggest crush on this man, decides he wants to know him a little better.

“NUREYEV: I... would like to try one, I think. Is your offer still open? SLIP: I don't... that's really nice of you, but I don't want you to think you have to try it just to, um, make me feel better, so-- NUREYEV: It isn't to make you feel better. It's to know you, Slip. And I think I'm finding I'd like to know you quite well.”

(Alexa, what’s the most romantic way to tell your boyfriend you want to do drugs with him?)

Then they run away to Saraswati together, and Slip goes on all these secret outings which Nureyev can’t follow him on for a while. Nureyev is forced to trust Slip, to place his life in his hands, but they’re still getting to know each other, and unlike with Juno and Diamond, Nureyev is aware that the version of Slip in his head might not match up with the real Slip. So, he gets paranoid, and the entire mess with the poker game and the executives happens.

But after it, they have a talk. A good one. This is one of the things I love about Slip: he makes Nureyev talk about his feelings, and he’s really good at putting things into perspective. You see it in the latest episode, too, with how they talk about Mag. It’s not perfect, but it seems incredibly mature for someone his age (though, again, not sure how much authority I have on the age aspect of this).

“SLIP: A person can't just tell you who they are cuz we're all too complicated for that. I wouldn't know where to start, and even if I tried, I'd miss most of everything and maybe you'd think I was hiding those things from you, but it wouldn't be true. Too much of me is invisible to me because I'm around it all the time, every day. You can try to see the world from someone else's point of view, but at the end of the day... we're all just ourselves. We're stuck there. But just because I can't say it doesn't mean you can't know it. All I can do is be honest, minute to minute, day by day. I'm sorry I'm not the person you apparently thought I was -- but to be fair, I never said I was that person to begin with. Only you did. So... how about we make each other a promise? NUREYEV: A promise? Promise what? SLIP: A promise to be honest with each other. If we're honest, each of us can give the other the best shot at knowing us, you know? You can decide who Slip Jackson is, and... well. If he's worth your time.”

THIS. This is basically the point of this whole essay (it’s so much longer than I intended I’m so sorry). I start chewing on my own bone marrow every time I listen to this, because he’s so right.

Knowing someone isn’t knowing big things, like their name, or face, or random fun facts about their life. Those are things you pick up along the way. Knowing someone else isn’t knowing what their favourite colour is, it’s them telling you what their favourite colour is and you realising that it makes sense they would like that colour, that it fits in with the image of them in your head. Knowing someone isn’t knowing all their layers, their past, their future, though all those things are important in their own way. Knowing someone is understanding the essence of them, the soul underneath all those layers, the sense of self, of who they are which philosophers have been trying to define for centuries, which Peter Nureyev has been trying to erase from himself for decades.

Slip and Nureyev loved each other because they loved everything they knew about each other, and wanted to know more. Slip’s loss hits Nureyev like a bulldozer because he never really gets to know who Slip is — the chance is taken away from him, and Nureyev is convinced it’s all his fault. He’s determined to bring Slip back so he can finally know who Slip is, even though he’s trying to erase himself so there’s nothing left of himself to love back.

Peter Nureyev forever

And then, season 5. Yowzers.

“NUREYEV: You think you know me. The nameless thief. You presume, just because I've told you my real name and let you peruse a few carefully-curated passages of my life story, that you have access to a "real" me that nobody else does. Is that right? JUNO: This isn't gonna work, Nureyev. That journal was true. I know it was. NUREYEV: (LAUGHS) How could you possibly? JUNO: Because I know you. NUREYEV: You know what I've shown you. Nothing more. JUNO: Can't help but notice you haven't said it yet. NUREYEV: I don't need to play your game. JUNO: If you don't care it'd be really easy to. "I never want to see you again." Like that. NUREYEV: Childish! JUNO: Once you let somebody know you, Nureyev, there's no going back. They've got your number. Chances are you got theirs, too. I let you know who I am because I love you and I'm scared as hell about what that means, but at least I can admit it, goddammit!”

Nureyev is desperately pushing the idea that Juno doesn’t know him, that Nureyev’s been lying all along, that the “Peter Nureyev” Juno knew was just another persona, that Juno never really knew the real Nureyev, just like he never knew the real Diamond. Because if Juno doesn’t know Nureyev, he can’t possibly love him, and that makes it so much easier to break up with him.

But there’s just one catch here. Juno does know Nureyev. As much as Nureyev wants to pretend that all Juno saw was what he let him see, it’s not true. Juno saw right to the core of him, right to the beating heart of what makes Peter Nureyev Peter Nureyev, and he refused to look away until he knew every inch by heart, and he loved what he knew. He still does. And that’s how he knows that Nureyev needs his help now, that’s why he’s not giving up on our favourite master thief.

And that is why this:

“NUREYEV: I do not want to see you any more, Juno. JUNO: What? NUREYEV: You said it would just take those words to excise you from my life entirely, didn't you? Well, I've said them. I have no interest in seeing you any longer. None. I am done. We are finished. Do you understand me? JUNO: Yeah, I get you. So I guess I'll just... go now. NUREYEV: No! JUNO: I... what? NUREYEV: I... that is, you…”

didn’t surprise me. Well, the first bit did. But the turnaround made complete sense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really shitty of Nureyev to do, but he’s at a point in his life where he’s not sure he can handle Juno being in his life, but he loves him far too much to tell him to leave. Even after he breaks up with him, he immediately backtracks.

And that’s why Juno keeps implying throughout the episode that Nureyev might take him back, and why he doesn’t leave at the end despite promising he would. Because he and I both know that Nureyev doesn’t want him to.

Juno never really hides who he is, and so people either love him or hate him. I think that’s really cool of him.

Nureyev hides who he is almost constantly, from almost everyone. It’s so much easier for him to pretend he did the same with Juno, and that’s what he’s trying to do. But he didn’t, so Juno isn’t giving up on him. Juno knows Nureyev, and he loves Nureyev, and so he’s not going to rest until Nureyev is finally okay (or relatively okay, at least).

TLDR: Juno didn't know Diamond all that well, so he couldn't be with her. Nureyev decided he wanted to know Slip so that he could learn to love him, but the opportunity was taken away from him. Juno comes to know Nureyev and he loves him because of it, but Nureyev is determined to go back to being unknown in season 5 so he can distance himself from Juno and pretend they're not in love. Knowing someone and loving them are linked, blah blah blah.

idk man I don’t have a conclusion these are just thoughts. Loving someone is inherently tied to knowing them, ig. Anyways who’s excited for Nureyev to have a mental breakdown???!!

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