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mfingenius · 5 years

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Hello! I saw you're taking requests, and I love your writing!!! Could I request some Drarry Angst please? With a happy ending bc I'm not looking for a broken heart, just a cracked one 😆💕. Maybe Rejected-unknowingly-by-harry-Veela!Draco and then Harry finds him? Thank youuuuu! 💕💕💕💕

When Pansy Parkinson comes stomping into the Quidditch pitch right as the Gryffindor Quidditch team is landing after their practice, Harry is wary.

Since he and Draco had patched things up and become friends, Parkinson hasn’t given Harry too much trouble, but between the stormy expression on her face and the furious fire in her eyes, he thinks that’s about to change.

She slaps him hard enough to make him lose his balance, and he would’ve landed on his arse had Ron not caught his arm just in time to still him.

“Potter, you will fix this and you will fix this now!” She screeches, and Harry rubs at his cheek absent-mindedly. It’s burning. “Merlin, I fucking knew you were lying about caring for Draco but I didn’t think you had this in you! It’ll kill him, you realize? I don’t care if I have to Imperio you, but you will not leave Draco to die-”

“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” Ron demands.

“Draco’s dying?” Harry says, stomach sinking.

Harry’s brain stops working. He can only think of infuriating, stubborn Draco approaching him on the train ride towards Hogwarts at the begining of the year, looking both nervous and sincere when he’d asked Harry if they could start again.

“Yes!” Parkinson screeches. She has tears in her eyes, and Harry’s not sure if it’s more from fury or from grief. “Don’t pretend like this wasn’t your stupid fucking plan, Potter! Merlin fuck, even I wouldn’t - I never thought you’d-”

Her voice breaks, and she stomps her foot, hands coming up to wipe at the tears leaking from her eyes.

Infuriating, stubborn, no longer rude Draco with his tentative smiles and even more hesitant ‘hello’s’ until Harry invited him to go with him, Ron, and Hermione to Hogsmeade.

“I hate you.” She snarls.

Infuriating, stubborn, hesitant Draco when he’d apologized to Hermione for everything - not aware Harry had been listening - listening with a clenched jaw when Ron called him every insult in the book and, then, admitting he was most of those things, and telling him he was changing.

“Draco’s dying?” Harry repeats, unable to process it properly.

Infuriating, stubborn, clever Draco with his dry wit and quick tongue, insults not as they were before, but a sort of - banter, between them, that made an odd feeling settle on Harry’s chest. He’d hoped it’d go away.

It didn’t.

Parkinson lets out an ugly laugh.

“Yes, you unbelievably moronic fuckwit!” She snaps. “That’s what happens when a Veela is rejected my their mate!”

Infuriating, stubborn, changed Draco sitting on one of the library chairs in a deep discussion about some muggle book with Hermione while playing Wizard’s chess with Ron, Harry’s blinding happiness when Draco had looked his way and smiled.

“Draco’s a Veela?” Harry asks.

Infuriating, stubborn, sweet Draco insulting Harry while rearranging his pillows after he’d landed himself in the infirmary with a broken leg because they had crashed into each other while chasing for the Snitch. Harry’d been pretty high on pain-killers, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the way Draco’s cheeks had pinked when he’d said ‘I care for you’.

Parkinson’s hands still. Her eyes still on Harry. She even stops crying, for a second.

“You don’t know?” She asks.

Infuriating, stubborn, drunk Draco when he’d kissed him in one of the parties in the Gryffindor dorm. Everything in Harry’s body had buzzed with an elation like no other, until he’d pushed Draco away. I can’t. You’re drunk.

“How the fuck would I know?” Harry asks. There’s an edge of hysteria on his voice, and Parkinson dries her eyes with her sleeves and stares at Harry.

“You don’t know.” She repeats.

“No, Parkinson, I didn’t fucking know!” Harry’s the one yelling now. “Who the fuck is his mate? I - I’m sure I can - I can convince them to - to save him, I can - I can do it, there has to be something to be done.”

Infuriating, stubborn, quiet Draco after Harry had said that, a look of utter and complete heartbreak on his face before he’d left. He’d avoided Harry for nearly two weeks afterwards.

“You need to come with me.” Parkinson says.

The walk to the infirmary passes through in a haze. Harry, who has spent his fair share of time there and could probably find his way to it asleep, can not tell left from right as Parkinson drags him through hall after endless hall.

Draco’s lying in one of the infirmary beds, skin nearly translucent. Harry can see the veins in his hands, on the inside of his wrists.

“You said you told him.” Parkinson’s voice is raw, and Draco opens his eyes. He sees Harry and a wave of sadness crashes over his face.

Infuriating, stubborn, helpless Draco after Harry had finally managed to corner him into one of the classroom, begging him for forgiveness. Draco’s entire expression had bled from fear to softness in a second when he’d assured Harry that he could never drive him away. That he was only staying away because he thought that was what Harry would’ve wanted. That the kiss was in the past. He never brought it up again. Harry didn’t, either.

“Pansy, he doesn’t want me.” Draco says, grief and desperation clear in his voice. “I didn’t - he doesn’t need the guilt of this.”

Infuriating, stubborn, lying Draco with dark bags under his eyes and pale skin due to what he promised was NEWT stress, falling asleep on Harry’s shoulder in the library and waking up looking healthier.

Infuriating, stubborn, dying Draco currently lying in a bed, unable to do much more, not after Harry rejected him. His mate. His mate.

“I’m going to be furious about you lying to me later.” Harry warns him. He grabs Draco’s hand and squeezes it, desperately trying to warm it up so it’s not colder than a corpse. “But for now tell me how to take it back. Please tell me how to help you.”

“I don’t want you to be with me out of a sense of - of responsibility.” Draco says, and Harry could really, really hex him right now. He can’t, not while Draco’s like this, so, instead, Harry crashes their lips together, and Draco’s lips are bitten, and dry, and bruising with the force of the kiss, but Harry doesn’t care because this is his Veela, and he will not let this take him away from him, not now.

“I love you, you stupid bloody prick.” Harry says thickly, after he pulls away. “Please don’t leave me. You can’t. You’re not allowed.”

Draco’s lips quirk lightly, eyes dreamy. “Alright.”

Madam Pomfrey tells them she doesn’t know if it’ll work, with how close Draco was to dying, but she lets Harry stay by his bedside for as long as he wants to. An hour passes. Two. Three, and four, and twenty-four, and forty-eight, and seventy-two, and Madam Pomfrey informs them with a beaming look on her face that Draco will make a full - if slow - recovery.

Harry kisses him, again, and again, and again.

Infuriating, stubborn, mostly-fine-now Draco moving straight into Harry’s dorm for the rest of the year. Harry holds him close at nights and Draco always buries his face in his chest, and Harry’s never been a particularly cuddly person but he cannot ever keep his hands off his Veela.

Infuriating, stubborn, fucking perfect Draco with a smile on his face when they move into their apartment as soon as they’re done with Hogwarts, grinning tiredly after they’re done moving and suggesting, with a wink, that they get some use of their new bed.

Harry’s grin, impossible to keep off his face as he hauls Draco over his shoulder - earning a squeal, a laugh, and a slap on the back from the blond - as he takes him to their bedroom and closes the door, intending not to emerge for a very, very long time.

-----------------------------------------------------------

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critfailthatcharismacheck · 4 years

Text

So about our Hot Boi Essek...

Hoo buddy, that revelation was a doozy. Like in retrospect it’s not that surprising but it was still wild. It’s shitty, absolutely shitty what he did, not even in terms of the M9. How could he not anticipate that the theft of the Luxons would spark that kind of reaction? He said he didn’t intend to start a war, but war had already been brewing for decades by that time and something that big seems like the perfect proverbial straw to break the camel’s back. Now that being said, I still really fucking like him. Like damn Matt, you create such amazing characters that I can’t help but love even when they’re absolute bastards! Essek is such an interesting character, and I love all the nuance in his actions and the situation he’s brought on himself. And Matt plays him so cool and charismatic, even when he’s confessing to fucking up big time, he’s so likable! It’s almost infuriating!

But i want to get into this in terms of the M9. So first and probably biggest, Caleb took this very interestingly. I absolutely felt the disappointment radiating off of him after finding out about Essek. Liam has said in Talks that Essek was one of the few, if not the only person that Caleb considered a friend outside of the M9, and it was low key heartbreaking watching his reaction. But I also think that that’s what made his speech to Essek in the Balleater that much more impactful. Like we all saw the similarities between the two, but Caleb really put it into words. I think the conversation would’ve gone a lot differently had Caleb not experienced the growth he did with the M9. He probably would’ve said to just kill Essek or something, but his time with the Nein helped him to see that friendship and redemption are possible and worth the effort. And I absolutely adored how he took Molly’s words to heart and used this moment to impart those words of wisdom on someone who obviously needed them.

I was also interested in how Nott/Veth took the news. I don’t recall if Sam ever said anything about if she ever really trusted Essek that much, but I think the fact that Essek helped her and Caleb complete the Halas spell played a huge role in how things played out. She was surprisingly much more chill than I expected. I would have thought that she would be pissed not only for herself but also for Caleb, but she was surprisingly receptive of him. Well, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised, I mean she did offer to keep the war going in exchange for Isharnai breaking her curse, which is nearly as selfish as Essek causing a war for science. But I do think that because he helped her with the spell, she was much more lenient than she would have been otherwise. AND ALSO HOLY SHIT JUST FUCKING PARALYZED THIS DUDE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARTY WHAT HAPPENED TO JUST TALKING TO HIM???

So I think the only other person that played much on a role in this whole thing was Jester, and I’m more about how she was just trying to chat Essek up when all hell broke loose and Veth paralyzed him without telling anyone??? That was wild, Jester was panicking, like holy shit did I do this on accident? Aside from that, her reaction was totally on par with how I thought it would be. Very confused and kind of hurt but also just wanting answers, and once she got them she was fine. It’s a little stressful, but once you’re friends with Jester she’s ride or die. As soon as she heard the full story she was in support mode, making sure that Essek didn’t feel alone in this. And that is classic Jester.

I don’t have much to say about Beau, Fjord, and Caduceus during the main conversation with Essek because they either weren’t there or didn’t speak, but after he left Beau and Caddy had some very hot takes. I for one am all about people getting what’s coming to them, so I’m absolutely on the same page as Beau, but in this case I do think Cad and Caleb are right saying that it can’t be anytime soon. The balance is so delicate right now, and trying to get revenge/removing corruption so soon after the truce has been made will absolutely probably lead to the war starting again. It will have to come months, even years after these negotiations. The wound is too fresh, and both sides will be looking for any excuse to break the peace.

I have no doubt that right now Essek is near the top of the list of people that need to recompense for their crimes, but I think in the long run the M9 aren’t going to be too harsh on him. It helps that he entirely laid out his involvement, that he was at least assumingely truthful, and that he is working toward fixing his mistakes. The three Cerberus Assembly members, Ludinus, Ickythong, and Vess DeRogna, are absolutely at the top of the list, not sure which order at this point, but they’ll hopefully get what’s coming to them eventually.

#critical role #the mighty nein #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #nott the brave #veth brenatto #veth the brave #jester lavorre #beauregard lionett #cr fjord #caduceus clay #matt mercer #liam o'brien #sam reigel

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meetevieinthehallway · 5 years

Text

why would you keep something like this for me?

in which she’s been feeling uncomfortable and doesn’t tell harry.

this piece is kind of a mess.

this deals with subjects of harassment, sexual harassment, etc.

the rain is bothersome.

it hasn’t been this way.

it’s been sunny this entire week— a comfortable few days of only a gentle breeze and a hot glow casting over, pressing kisses to leaves and warming the ponds. spring is finally fucking developing— growing and sprouting and shifting and the soil and air can’t get enough of the radiating warmth coating everything in sight. the birds have been singing after their long time of being silenced or being absent— joyful and celebratory songs for this unfamiliar, newfound, utter peacefulness—

she thinks the birds have been drowned in the rain.

there’s no brightness, liveliness, there’s only coldness and dampness and she hopes the birds have drowned.

call it pessimism, or utter brutality— but as much as she wants the sunshine and birds chirping placidly she may actually choke out a helpless creature if it starts singing sweetly in her ear.

to say it gently,

she hasn’t had the best day.

to say the least, she’s infuriated— a mix of pure anger but also a pinch of sadness and a bit of disappointment. nothing could go right, and she’s muttering to herself as she storms to her parked car in a heap of red, tears stinging at her eyes because there’s too many emotions right now.

she cries on the way home.

she isn’t a cryer.

but she full out sobs, her cheeks paralleling her blurry windshield and it’s doubling the difficulty of seeing clearly and seeing the road and she misses three turns because she’s that much of a mess.

god, just let me get home.

the rain is pounding on the glass and trying to break through it—trying to soak her cheeks more than her tears already have—and she can’t see and she doesn’t know how or when she makes it home and she doesn’t know why she’s soaking wet.

you left your window open.

another cry rips through her soul.

she feels pathetic.

she feels as if she’s the dumbest person to ever exist— because now she’s miserable and cold and exhausted and she wants to crawl into a hole and never come out. maybe her boss is right— that she can’t do anything right—not even the job she studied brutally for six years—and she despises the look of disappointment on her employer’s face when he sighs and hands her report back to her and shakes his head and shoos her away with a wave of his hand.

she shifts up to meet her eyes in the rearview mirror, and she catches the glaze of letdown in her own irises.

her boss is a straight up asshole.

he’s the boss that every high school and college professor rants of, the unfair one that establishes their fucking superiority complex in the first minute of knowing them. but it’s not a roughness of sophistication— but the exact opposite, one of immaturity and pure ignorance; she doesn’t know how he got so high up in status when he doesn’t even do anything. she swears he is straight out of the devil wears prada, but miranda priestly is a prententious fashion designer and that is kind of to be expected?

she never expected her own boss to be such a prick.

she’s dreamed about her job since she was an early teen—one where she feels accepted and wanted and valid in the workplace—and the level of sorrow she feels that her dream has diminished before her eyes is heartbreaking.

this boss has ruined it for her.

a man who definitely believes women are less than men—evident by the snide, sexist comments and the obvious stares and the groping and sexual harassment of female colleagues who quit days later—because she is one of the now only two women working there and somehow the work gets piled on top of them but the men get to sit in the workroom and watch football games together during their “extended lunch break.”

while her boss joins.

it’s nothing against the male colleagues she works with— they are hard workers and they are intelligent but she works twice as much as them and harder and she still gets paid less.

another tear runs down her cheek.

her fingers are still wrapped around her steering wheel in a vice grip although she’s been pulled in the garage for god knows how long, and her hands are starting to ache and throb.

she wants harry.

harry who isn’t a sexist and who understands she is valid and equal and works hard and well at what she does and—

she wants harry.

her head turns slowly to the left and she sees his car sitting next to hers. her brain is slow and her breathing catches and speeds up as she’s flying herself out the door.

she’s sobbing again, flinging the door open and she doesn’t know the last time she has broken down so extremely— and she isn’t kicking off her shoes as she races through the house.

“lovie?”

she sobs.

she is literally sprinting towards the sound of his voice and she can hear music halt and she rounds a corner and slams into his chest.

“woah—”

she’s sobbing.

harry takes a moment to register how intensely upset she is, and his mouth guppies for a moment before he wraps his arms around her.

“love— are you... are you okay?”

she shakes her head and she’s hysterical and his eyebrows are furrowed over his widened eyes.

“what’s... what’s happened? hey— hey breathe.”

she whines and her hands are shaking and she moves to place them over her face and she feels pathetic.

his hands are on her shoulders as he hold her away from him, his neck bent down and forward as he tries to see her face.

“lovie.”

he says it quite sternly but instantly regrets it because she lets out harsher cries and shakes her head.

he doesn’t know what’s wrong and he doesn’t know how to help and he has never seen her this upset.

“are..— are you hurt? did someone do something?”

head shakes.

“just..” he closes his eyes and exhales. “a bad day?”

her hands fall from her eyes and she sniffles and her mascara is running down her cheeks and he is so alarmed that he pulls her close. her face is coated in tears and redness and the back of her hand comes up to her eye and presses against it as she cries. her arm shakily wraps around harry’s middle as he leans down to press kisses to her temple, gently, shushing her and murmuring just breathe, breathe.

she’s hiccuping and she can’t really breathe and her mind is warped and dizzy and wrapped in harryharryharry and she lets her mind be at ease for a moment.

maybe it’s her brain—she doesn’t know how she is this aware to think of this right now while she’s sobbing into her fiancé—but maybe her brain is letting her breathe in harry to take away some of that pain from inside her being.

she remembers reading that sometimes the brain sends someone to a peaceful place to cope with stress— like a state of shock— and she feels harry take her by the shoulders again and back away and lean down to meet her eyes.

“love, look at me, please?”

her eyes move gently and slowly to meet his and she doesn’t blink. she only sniffles and he pushes his sleeve over his palm. her eyes close when he reaches to swipe away her tears with his sweater, and she feels like a toddler but her heart is thrumming.

“wanna bath.”

it’s the first thing she says and she’s so dazed and out of it when she speaks like a young child— monotonous and sad and harry nods quickly.

“what?”

“a bath. want a bath.”

her finger wipes under her nose and she hiccups.

“okay—.. um, okay i—... let’s get you in the bath.”

—

“i wish i was a kid again.”

the bathroom is warm.

harry drew her bath— so hot that it steamed up the room and fogged up the mirrors but somehow the air is thin and pure enough to let her breathe easy.

her cheeks are still red and it’s breaking harry’s heart every second that the color doesn’t dissipate, because he still doesn’t understand what even happened, what she’s upset over.

he can’t believe he has gone from being so excited to being so terrified in the span of an hour.

all he knows is that he was so unbelievably elated— came home from the studio early and picked up her favorite cupcakes on the way home, because this is the night.

he can feel it.

there was a quirk to his smile and a beautiful tone to his simple humming and a glistening to his eyes—

and to the ring in his left pocket.

harry wasn’t nervous.

he had a couple glasses of wine to loosen him up before she got home, so along with his gentle humming was a soft sway to his body as he practically danced around the kitchen with her voice filling his head.

but now they’re here.

and the ring is forgotten about— for good reason.

harry’s hand gets drenched when he moves his hand downward behind her, cupping his palm to scoop some water and to drape it over her spine. she sighs when he does so, her arms loosening around her knees.

“hm?”

her eyes flutter open and she rests her cheek on her knees, staring at her boyfriend outside of the bathtub.

her heart is throbbing at how careful he’s being.

“wish i was a kid.”

she sniffles after she says it and she’s looking at him so intensely that it causes his eyes to shift to meet hers.

he cups more water and lets it run down her back.

“why?”

she blinks.

“less to worry about. carefree— y’know, h?”

he bites his lip and looks at where her hand is now placed on the side of the tub. his fingers reach to lay on hers, and she sniffles again.

“i wanna quit m’job.”

the water falls between his fingers and runs between the spaces to crash to the bubbles below.

his eyes go wide and he’s startled— because he genuinely doesn’t understand.

“love— you... you wanna quit your job?”

she nods with the saddest smile and swallows as tears resurface.

“no no.. don’t cry. just—” he sits up on his knees and leans over the water, “just explain it to me, sweet.”

she wipes at her cheek with her hand and she feels so dumb and pathetic because her skin is already wet with bath water.

“m’boss doesn’t... treat me right.” she looks up at him. “like—...” she hiccups, “he’s sexist, a-and— i know he’s sexist and a pig and he is so hard on me and i didn’t think it’d be this hard.” she’s shaking her head.

“what do you mean? did...” he’s looking away and racking his brain and he’s trying to comprehend—

his head snaps up.

“lovie.” he says it seriously and he places a hand on her knee as she cries. “don’t... don’t tell me he’s.. touched you, or summat. has he?”

she shakes her head and watches her reflection ripple as her tear hits the water.

“he hasn’t?”

“no, har.” she whispers. “but—... but he’s... grabbed? groped— i dunno the word but...” her bottom lip shakes and she shudders. “all the women that have quit or left did so.. for a reason a-and i’m scared because he... he’ll say things and stare and—”

she breaks down into tears. full fledged— once again.

he doesn’t know what to do.

his heart is racing: at the thought of women being touched inappropriately, of his love being harrassed or even just uncomfortable and that alone? there’s no excuse—

“you... lovie.”

she swallows.

she turns her face to meet his eyes and he’s guppying his mouth and his throat his dry. she feels embarrassed—and she doesn’t know why—none of this is her fault. but there’s a feeling of genuine guilt and nervousness and she can’t pinpoint why.

“how long has this been going on?”

she shrugs.

he swallows.

“since i started.”

her eyes are burning and his are starting to and all he does is nod because he feels so stupid.

he should’ve noticed when she would shrug when he asked how work was or how her day had been— has she really felt uncomfortable for this long of a time? has she really felt unsafe in her work environment for this long?

“since you started.”

he says it to himself mostly, trying to ground his mind into some sort of realization.

“why... why would you keep something like this from me?”

she lets out a soft cry and the water sloshes as her chin falls to her chest. her skin is shaking and she’s tired of feeling so drained and she leans into his shirt when he pulls her to the edge of the tub.

“harry i don’t know.” she’s sobbing now. “i don’t know anything anymore.”

harry’s shirt has soaked through but he’s leaning over her and pressing kisses to her hair because he doesn’t know what to do.

“thought i could be strong a-and—...” she swallows. “ignore it? i—”

“y-you can’t ignore something like this.” he pulls back and turns her so she’s looking at him in the eyes. “this is serious, love, i-i wish you hadn’t let it blow over.” he whispers.

he knows it’s from fear.

he knows that she is only justifying it because her own head is terrified— coupled on how society is nowadays. luckily it’s bettering—all the awareness and movements and empowerments—but the media and the world still think women can be pushed around and objectified.

he feels nauseous.

“well, you’re gonna leave, okay?”

he’s rubbing her cheek now.

“and i’m gonna do anything and everything to make sure this guy gets ruined for what he’s done.”

—

“let me care for you.”

he whispers it.

she’s tracing her fingertip along his collarbone as he whispers it and disrupts the sound of silence in their moonlit room.

he can’t sleep.

every time he closes his eyes his brain won’t fog and transform into colors and waves and images— he’s just staring at a black, blank canvas and helplessly trying to rest. he just isn’t comfortable— even with her body wrapped up in his hold and her calves tangled amongst his legs and the knowledge in his mind that she is safe.

they had shared tears on the side of the bathtub and he had held her over the edge and caressed at her skin and he had lifted her out and to their bed.

she looks up towards his face, slowly, sleepily.

her finger is still running down his clavicle and his chest.

she looks down towards his stomach from where her cheek is pressed against her pillow, nibbling on her lip.

she feels bad for gently coercing him to stay awake with her own lack of sleep— but it makes her heart swell multiple sizes at his care and his love for her.

“what?”

he smiles small.

“i am a man.” he whispers it and she furrows her eyebrows. “and you are a woman.”

“glad your observational skills are this good, h.”

he chuckles and shakes his head. his eyes are glimmering and they flick around her face.

“i am a man and you are a woman.” his hand reaches to catch hers at his chest. he holds it carefully, bringing her fingers to his lips and she smiles small. “i understand that we are equals. you can get another job after this one, or you can just... let me care for you.”

she blinks. “what?”

“i can take care of us, if you want.”

she bites her lip. “i don’t wanna take your money, hazza—”

“hey.” harry whispers it and he leans his head forward so his forehead is touching hers. “what is mine is what’s yours.”

her eyes look at him.

“yeah?” he mumbles, awaiting any response.

he does it gently— the way that he leans forward lazily and pushes his lips against hers. she moans softly the minute he delves into her— drinking her in and caressing her lips and she doesn’t know the last time she’s felt so at peace—

felt so loved.

she pulls away and her head is dizzy when he follows her lips, addicted to her kiss.

“really?”

his eyes flutter open.

he nods slowly, his hand coming up to brush a hair away from her forehead.

“i have a ring in my jean pocket to prove it.”

her eyes widen.

#fluff #harry #harry blurb #harry styles #harry styles au #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #one shot #angst #harry styles angst #harry styles blurbs #harry styles writing #writing #harry styles x reader #harry styles blurb

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heymeowmao · 4 years

Note

Heyy have you ever made a drama rec list? I noticed you share a lot of dramas, id love to hear about your faves and why :) hopefully with eng subs haha

Hello! I've never made a drama rec list before! :o I don’t know how good I will be at explaining why they’re my favorite ( .__.;; ), but I’ll try putting one together!! ♥♥ (Basically anything recent you’ve seen on the dash is bc I’m following cast of The Untamed around (for cdramas) XD and also going back to watch dramas I wanted to but never got around to (for kdramas))

I’ve only watched a few cdramas when I was little (My Fair Princess, mainly, but there were some others I can’t remember the names of), but as I grew older I fell into the jdramas (Gokusen & Trick --> basically Namaka Yukie) hole, and then into the world of kpop/kdramas. Every now and then I would bounce back in, like with Fahrenheit and the X-Family/K.O. Series but I always went back around to kdrama and kpop, bc I always thought that cdramas were SO LONG. :p AND THEN THE UNTAMED CAME ALONG. And then I realized actually how EASY it was to watch cdramas. Hop onto YT and you’re pretty much set. You don’t have to wait around for months for them to finish bc they upload so many episodes a week!!! (Except it kinda sucks if you’re waiting for subs, bc.. cdramas... don’t... often... get... subbed?? Are there too many? [Good thing I don’t really need them. (･θ･)]) Right now, I’m pretty new to the world of cdrama and only really follow The Untamed cast and some others (Zhang Mingen, Luo Zheng (my Idol Producer son)) around, so this is gonna be short. XD

Favorite C-DRAMAS:

You know what I love? I love magic and fantasy and pretties. :3

Three Lives, Three Worlds: [Eternal Love (Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms) | Eternal Love of Dream (The Pillow Book) | Love and Destiny]

Ok, this is three different dramas, but they’re set in the same universe (kina? L&D is a little weird.), so I can lump them together, right? XD Three Lives, Three Worlds will infuriate you, but in a good (?) way. By nature of the format of this series, you may find the set-up is the same each time (immortal falls in love-immortal descends to the human realm for mortal trials-immortal reascends, badass as all hell (not necessarily in that order)), but each story is still new and captivating and heartbreaking. There’s always going to be THAT ONE CHARACTER (`•̀益•́´) but if I don’t hate them, they didn’t do their job right, right? I liked Pillow Book the best, but maybe that’s because it’s the one I started with? Pretty sure all are available on yt, but the subs may be spotty. I think PB is the only one with complete subs (thanks, Tencent). Eternal Love (TMOPB) is on Netflix (at least on mine) and I think VIKI also has both Eternal Love (TMOPB) and Love and Destiny.

The Love by Hypnotic

THIS!!! I found this drama really cute. It’s a mix of serious and moments of humor. The prince has some memory... problems (TRAUMA), and it just so happens he is in an arranged marriage to a princess, who can use hypnosis to help him regain his memories. They don’t exactly see eye-to-eye at first, but they never do, do they? (¬‿¬) [It’s on YT] Also!! The OST is good!

Other dramas I enjoyed: [Ohh, hey, They’re all on yt. Fully subbed. Lemme know if you want links to a playlist or sth.]

- Joy of Life - Guardian ("Imagine waiting 10,000 years, finally finding the person you loved again only to die and have to wait even more”) - History 3: Trapped (a cop and a gangster fall in love; taiwanese series)

FAVORITE KOREAN DRAMAS: (sh*t, there’s too many)

My Country: The New Age (this one I watched recently, so let’s put it here ;__;)

I’ll be honest. I was watching for Woo Dohwan. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I really did enjoy this. These two idiots are each trying to make a better world for the other, but they sure have a strange way of showing they care (aka a sword to the gut).

School 2013

Lee Jongsuk. Kim Woobin. That’s it. Ok, ok. They aren’t the WHOLE focus of the show, there are other kids in the class who need help as well, but the bromance of this drama continues to haunt me to this day. There are the common themes you see in any school drama..(bullying, cheating, STRESS, inability to handle the stress (tw: suicidal intention)) those were some darker times, but in the end it’s all about friendship.

Hello Monster/I Remember You

Crime Show. Seo Inguk. Jang Nara. Lee Chunhee. Choi Wonyoung. Park Bogum. Do Kyungsoo. A criminal profiler and a detective build their relationship based on a series of mysterious serial-murders. But the culprit’s calling cards tell a story of something more...

Signal

Another crime show. But why do I enjoy torturing myself with the concept of time travel? The acting is sometime’s a bit over at the start, but the STORY! !!! I watched this drama three times. Mysterious radio transmissions between a cold-case profiler in 2015 and a detective in 1989 unravel the secrets behind a series of related murders.

Other dramas I enjoyed:

- Legend of the Blue Sea (mermaid!!! ) - Guardian: The Great and Lonely God - Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo - Master’s Sun - Reply 1997 (slice of life; the only one I’ve watched. the only one where the /goat sound/ makes sense because THEY WERE BORN IN THE YEAR OF THE GOAT)

Ok. I’m gonna.. end it here. Enjoy! (〃´∀｀)

#replies #would you believe...#i have a whole spreadsheet of every kdrama i've ever watched #for the past 15 years...#for cdramas i have a list bc i barely started on them last year #edit: shoot. this is hard XD #love me a good bromance

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lost-along-the-wave · 7 years

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Books I'll Love Forever

I can't for the life of me remember which book caused me to fall madly in love with books but I'm very glad I did. So to spread my absolute love of books, here are some of the ones I've read a hundred times and to this day still fall in love with every single time. ( In no particular order) P. S. I have a habit of loving a book even more if it totally and completely breaks my heart. • If I Stay by Gayle Forman As the first book that ever actually made me cry, this story will always hold a special place in my heart. At first glance it seems to be nothing more than a tragic love story but it is so much more. This story is about the love of a family and it tries a new angle on the idea of loss. Mia's story is equal parts heartbreaking and heartwarming. • The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky This book is everything. I read this for the first time in 10th grade and I'd never found a character so relatable before. This book is perfect for a coming of age novel and it is strikingly real. Despite never really being in any of the situations myself, it is written in a way that resonates. • We Were Liars by E. Lockhart This is in the running for my all time favourite book. This book is written so beautifully and so well that despite how many times I've read it, I still can't find a way to predict the twist that broke my heart. The language is also so perfect that I often find myself getting lost in it. • Away We Go by Emil Ostrovski Admittedly I only bought this book because of the colourful cover and the Peter Pan references but I've never been more thankful for my quick judgment. This book is a story of loving someone who loves someone else, who loves someone else, etc. Basically no one is loved by who they want to be loved by and that's not even the most heartbreaking thing about their lives or lack thereof. This book broke my heart in almost every chapter. • I'll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson This is the book that made me fall in love with the name Jude for a girl. Told in two different perspectives in two different times this book will leave you feeling both content and sad but you'll fall in love with the characters who are just trying to find their way. • The Strange And Beautiful Sorrows Of Ava Lavender by Leslye Walton When I first started reading this book my first thought was "umm…what?", but surprisingly it didn't turn out how I thought it would. This story is just as the title implies, strange and beautiful sorrows, but it is so beautifully written and the story is so mesmerizing that you'll forget about all the strangeness and fall in love with the beautiful. • Simon Vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli Full disclosure this is my favourite book that isn't heartbreakingly tragic. It is equally funny, meaningful, and sad. It shows insight into the mind of a closeted gay teenager threatened with being outed but it surprised me how subtly it was placed into the the story. Most of this book just made me laugh and towards the end it made my heart hurt but the real reason I love this book is because of the beautiful messages within it about race, sexuality, friendship, and life. • The Impossible Knife Of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson Post traumatic stress disorder is a common diagnosis in war veterans but is often brushed aside or overlooked. This book tells the story of a daughter who's father is exactly that. It poetically describes what it is like to have a loved one live with the mental illness without sugar coating it too much. I don't know who my heart broke for more; the daughter or her father. • Me And Earl And The Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews The title pretty much gives away the whole plot of the book but what it doesn't tell you is how totally random, weird, funny and heartbreaking the story truly is. A lot of times I had to put the book down and say "what the fuck?", because a lot of this plot is questionable, but all in all it's a very good read and it's very subtle about it's heartbreak. • Me Being Me Is Exactly As Insane As You Being You by Todd Hasak-Lowry This book is definitely not for everyone, it certainly took some getting used to for me, not because of the story itself but how it's formatted. The book is written entirely in lists. Yes lists. Every "chapter" starts of with a title like "4 Things I Noticed In The Span Of 30 Seconds" and then will go on to list them. The story is a little weird but it's an interesting read. • Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan You might recognize the authors name as he co-wrote Will Grayson Will Grayson with John Green but this book is probably not what you're expecting. There are three different stories being told but they're being told by the same person, or people I guess. The narrative is in the perspective of all the people who have died from AIDS looking down at the world and watching these stories play out. It's definitely worth the read. • All The Missing Girls by Megan Miranda Honestly this book made me remember why I have a love hate relationship with mystery novels. This books starts off at the present time and the jumps to 15 days in the future. If that's not infuriating enough it then proceeds to go backwards from day 15 to day 1 in order to piece together the mystery from the present and a similar one 10 years in the past. Unfortunately I couldn't put it down. • The Rest Of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness I don't know about you but I've always wondered what happened to the people who were just kind of there for the drama but didn't play a role in it. Like in the Harry Potter books hundreds of kids attended Hogwarts but only like 10 of them were actually relevant to the plot. What about the rest of them? This book is them. Not literally them, this is not a Harry Potter book, but it is in the perspective of the other guys, well four of them at least. They're very away of everything that happens and the treat it like it's a normal occurrence, like the vampires attacking was just another day for them. • We Are All Made Of Molecules by Susin Neilsen As a child of a broken family this book was very relatable for me despite the characters being younger than me. Blended families can be a weird change and it's not always as easy as it may seem and I think this book beautifully shows how much of a struggle it really can be. • A List Of Cages by Robin Roe This book deals with abuse and some parts made me physically sick to my stomach. One of the main characters is portrayed as innocent in every way and I'm still not sure whether that makes it worse or not. There are also some very beautiful parts in this book and that's part of the reason I couldn't put it down. • Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell There are not enough words to describe how I feel about this book. It is about defying stereotypes, discovering who you are, falling in love, being set free, being comfortable with yourself, and so so much more. Many of my friends will say that this is their all time favourite book. Very strong recommendation for this breathtaking story. • Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz Of all the books I've read this is the book I can quote the most. I fell in love from the very first page and the story never let me forget it. This story is about growing up, but at the same time it's not. It's about all the things the world has to offer, you just need to find the right person to show you. I gave my whole heart to this book and I still don't regret it. • It's Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini I committed a serious crime with this story; I watched the movie first. Thank goodness the book was 1000x better because wow that movie, while still very good, was a train wreck. Craig's story is so breathtakingly honest and pure that it helped me understand myself a little bit more. It's alright to not know what's going to happen, just focus on what's happening now. • Suicide Notes From Beautiful Girls by Lynn Weingarten Spoiler alert: to the best of my knowledge this book did not contain a single suicide note that I can remember. Mostly this book is focused on the why but not in the normal way. It's not why did she kill herself, it's why did she kill herself that way. Friendship is a blessing and a curse because you might think you know someone but you might not know them at all. Honestly this book makes me so angry because despite the many conversations I've had with my friends we still haven't come up with a solid understanding of the ending. Please help. • Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon Again this is one of those novels that sweeps me off my feet with the beautiful imagery in the language. I can practically feel myself in the story and crazy twist at the end is not something I ever could've predicted. It's an easy story to love. • Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire I read this book in 7th grade which admittedly was wayyyyy to young for the type of content in this book. Unlike most of the previous books this one is a little more your normal romance book. Two college kids make a deal to be friends, fall in love, have a bunch of fights/breakups, etc. I know what you're thinking, "Why is this book even on the list?" To be honest I debated for a long time whether or not to include it but I ultimately decided that it is still one of my favourite books because Travis and Abby are just too damn cute. • Remember To Forget by Ashley Royer This is the book that got me hooked on Wattpad. For those of you who don't know it's an app/website where people can write and post stories for anyone to read as long as they have an account, don't worry it's free :). This book, like a lot of Wattpad stories, started out as a Five Seconds Of Summer fanfiction but was rewritten and edited when it actually got published. Yes I do read 5SOS fanfic every now and again and yes I was obsessed for a while but now most of the stories I read are regular teen fiction and trust there are some amazing writers out there. If you want to get the app, or already have it, and are looking for some reading suggestions feel free to ask :) This book is about moving on a letting go and realizing that it's okay to let people help you. • History Is All You Left Me By Adam Silvera As a story that broke my heart approximately 2 pages in it will always be a story I'll love. The plot focuses on Griffin and jumps between the past and present telling stories of his life with and without his ex boyfriend. Beautifully written, heartfelt, and tragic this novel is everything.

#books #bestnovels #masterpost #tumblrbooklover #suggestion #favorite #authors

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hawaiigurlinct · 5 years

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Hello world!

I’ve wondered from time to time what to do with this space, because I love being able to look back on my time on the East Coast, young, no kids, living up the newly(ish) married life with Ryan without worries like Children and a crippling Hawai’i house mortgage. But I never seem to get back in the swing of things. I guess we’ll give it another go and see how long I stick to it this time around.

So what’s up with me?

1) I’m pregnant. I guess it only took us 8 months to make that happen, which isn’t long in the big scheme of things but man was it heartbreaking (I had three miscarriages before this little nugget stuck around). Baby boy is coming at the end of May and I’m both beyond thrilled and terrified about juggling one more obstacle/schedule/person.

2) It’s kindergarten admissions times. This is the worst thing ever. Public schools are really bad here, causing a vicious cycle of everyone scrimping and saving whatever money they can afford to send their kids to a private school. But before you can do that, your 4 year old has to impress a series of educators and admissions heads by being the smartest, cutest, most articulate kid ever. And it’s not just the kid, Ryan and I have had to write essay questions and go to our own interviews as well. It’s the worst. The application process starts in October and you don’t get acceptance or rejection letters until April. Have I mentioned it’s the worst?

3) I got selected to be a part of this leadership program at work. It’s super impressive and people would kill to be in my shoes. The reason I bring this up is not to brag on here but because before you can “graduate” at the end of the program you have to work on, turn in and present a huge capstone project over the summer. And you know how I’m giving birth in May... guess when my maternity leave is? Yup, over the summer. Work was super accommodating and gave me three options: 1) I could drop out with no hard feelings - ummm no! As I said people would kill to be in my shoes. 2) I could drop out of this year’s program and automatically get a spot saved on next year’s program - not horrible but the program started in August so I already have put in 6 months of the program and juggling my regular job on top of it. It has been exhausting and I really don’t want to do it again. Or 3) continue as planned... aka maternity leave will also be capstone project time. That’s the one I decided to go with. Scary (especially since Emma will be home a lot during this time too) but I guess working on the project will help my mind not turn to mush at the end of this. And how did I find myself in this predicament? Like why didn’t I just wait a few more months before trying to get knocked up? Well, after 8 months of tears and either negative pregnancy tests or miscarriages, we were ready to get fertility help. My appointment was already scheduled when I found myself sitting in my boss’s office as he told me the amazing news about getting selected for the program. I sat there barely listening because in my mind I was changing priorities... telling myself that this would be good, I could take a break from all the stress of getting pregnant and just focus on my career for a little bit. Geesh, that line people tell you, how you get pregnant when you stop trying... it’s infuriating but it’s true.... found out I was pregnant the day of my first program meeting.

4) Emma’s teacher told us that Emma is one of the best negotiators she’s ever met... heads above her peers. When we asked what she meant by this it turns out Emma was negotiating with the teacher what type of school work to do that day. Great, can’t wait for her teenage years. So there’s that.

5) I’m really obsessed with eating at hot pot restaurants right now. Yum!

Lastly, as an anecdote... what is up with Tumblr flagging random posts as adult content posts and hiding them? Does this happen to a lot of people? They flagged 3 of my posts from forever ago. One was a “catch up on my summer of 2015” post that had crazy content such as... I went to my grandma’s birthday party, my baby took swimming lessons and I made the newspaper for doing community service. Gasp! Another showed my sister eating food in Epcot and the last one was a picture of a guy making me a sub and the whites house sub shop (oh I miss those subs). Anyway, just figured I would have been flagged for something a little more risky like a political post or being in a swimsuit.

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shhhselah · 5 years

Photo

Prayer Requests Update

Monday, January 21, 2019

7:43pm

I really want you all to take in these pictures, okay?

What comes to mind? Awe? A desire to travel? Peace? Wonder?

I’ll tell you what comes to mine: God.

Only God could paint something so breathtakingly, chest crushingly astounding.

So, as I write, I desperately need you all to remember these pictures and the Artist behind them. (And sorry, I don’t know the photographer! Just the Creator <3)

A couple of days ago, I put up a post on Facebook for prayer requests. I was super excited to be able to come to the King and war on behalf of my family, friends and even strangers for whatever they were seeking. Honestly, as the answers came in, I was amazed. Amazed that nearly every person was asking for the same three things- Discipline, Clarity and Mental Health.

On the surface, those first two seem like a beautiful thing while the last one seems devastating. “How lovely that the people want to be more dutiful in their walk with the Lord! Amazing that they want His clarity and guidance! Ugh, but how tragic that mental health issues and that dag on stress and anxiety are running rampant. The devil really is at work these days smh.” I can hear the church folk now.

But in all actuality, all three of these requests are heartbreaking and a cause for righteous fury against the enemy. And it is on this post- where I am positive that more people than the ones who asked for prayer need this- that I will break it all down. First, is Discipline.

Discipline

All 2018, I thought that I had avoided the “Hustle & Grind” movement, where you bust your butt tirelessly to get where you want in life. I had a plan: Ask God and wait for the answer. Period. Lol. Buuuuuuuttttt, that didn’t really work. And what He showed me on today was that, while in the natural I wasn’t busting my butt, in the spiritual, I absolutely was. I was carrying my salvation on my back and legitimately being my own task master. I would constantly berate myself, just infuriated and disappointed with my slow progress or lack of progress.

It seemed like for as much as I grew, I really wasn’t going anywhere. The bar always got pushed back and the expectations always piled on. It seemed like I could just never catch up or do/be enough. I was always lacking, always inadequate. In my eyes, I was never bold enough, holy enough, talented enough, disciplined enough, grateful enough, patient enough, confident enough, beautiful enough, wise enough, anointed enough, educated enough and the list goes freaking on. I spent all year riding myself into a better Kelah, reminding God what He said and showed me about myself and how in comparison, the present me was horrifically lacking. So I would tap my foot and my imaginary watch to remind God that we needed to pick up the pace if I was ever gonna be and do, what He made me to be and do.

That folks, was the devil.

Yep. Simple and clean. Let’s think about this. Why would anyone be asking for discipline? Because their current modus operandi isn’t up to their liking. They’ve taken inventory and felt that something isn’t working or adding up. Like me, I constantly felt like I was lacking, so I deduced that I needed to do more and be more. But why? Why did I feel that way? Because I felt inadequate, so it made me frustrated, resentful, bitter, guilty, ashamed and insecure. Let me make this clear, guys: Those feelings are not of God. They are of the devil. God would never make us or encourage us to feel this way. God is not the God of, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” He killed shame on the Cross.

So, if you’ve felt any of those things in your walk with God or in your pursuit of a better you, that feeling is satanic and not healthy, not heavenly and not conducive.

The Lord told me this about Discipline, that this is His is the Lord’s word for those working on their relationship with Him: In this year, I am going to be the reason and power, the motivation and movement behind your discipline. I will be the force driving your actions. No longer will you feel the need to rely solely on your own will power and strength. I am going to reveal Myself to you, show you who I am and teach you through experience and time, the joy of My company. I will be your Best Friend. I will be your Teacher and Guide. I will be your Mentor. I will keep you and love you like a Parent. I will hold you down and stand by you like a Ride or Die. I will lavish you and treat you like a significant other. I will chill out and vibe with you like a sibling or roommate. I will be near to you always. I will be available to you always. And from the sheer knowledge of who I am and the taste of the times we share together, will a greater desire to be in My company arise.

1 John 4:19 says “We love because He first loved us.” Without Me, you cannot love Me or anything else. So what makes you think that apart from Me, you can do anything else? John 15:5 says “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.” Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Apart from Me, you don’t have the ability to produce the sort of discipline I’ve built in you. Separate from Me, you cannot produce the gifts and skills I’ve placed inside of you. Without Me, you can’t operate at the level that I desire of you. Outside of Me, you cannot be pleasing to Me. So use Me. I’m here. Everything you need, I have and will supply. All the desire to love Me, I’ll give it. The ability and attention span to study My Word and stay awake in church- I have it. The interest in learning about Me- I’ll pour it out. Just come to Me and ask. And I’ll take you on the ride of a lifetime- but you must do it with Me. Amen.

I learned this the hard way. I got so exhausted with my efforts, I legitimately became infuriated with God and stopped talking to Him. I stopped watching sermons, stopped reading the Bible, stopped praying, stopped thanking Him when I woke up, just went on with my day, purposefully giving Him my shoulder. Upset that I was upset with Him, but upset nonetheless. For weeks it steadily declined to that point. What was really crazy though, was that He never intended for me- or any of us- to get to that point! He never asked us to try to be star students for Him. He never wanted us to carry our salvation on our backs and try to live godly lives going off of our own strength and understanding of what He wants and how we should act and what we should do.

This is the season of God ending your reign as god over your life and allowing you to witness the ease of grace when He is properly given the position. No more of your expectations, your rules, your righteousness, your efforts, your understanding/interpretations, your legalism, your religiousness, your motivations, your strengths, your desires, and your logic and timing. This time around, we’re doing it His way. No more trying to assert and insert yourself. Just let God be God and do the work.

Hebrews 4:1-11 talks about entering the rest of God. Our journey with Him is into rest. But if you’re isolated and feel like you’re not doing enough or that you aren’t enough and the feelings behind it are anxiety, stress, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, shame, etc, then you’re probably being lied to by the devil so that he can keep you running rampant until you fall out physically and fall out with God.

Proverbs 23:4-5 says, “Do not overwork to be rich; because of your own understanding, cease! Will you set your eyes on that which is not? For riches certainly make themselves wings; They fly away like an eagle toward heaven.” I love that the New King James Version says “Do not overwork.” I love this verse (which I legit just came upon after getting to the bottom of this post) because it reminds us how how fleeting and fleeing our destinations and goals are. We seek riches but they steadily elude us, just like the expectations and standards the devil tries to tauntingly encourage us to attain. But again, we cannot do it on our own. Philippians 4:19 tells us that “My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Three of God’s titles are Rabboni (Teacher), Addonai (Master) and Shepherd. So, as our Teacher, Master and Shepherd, please understand that He knows exactly where we’re going, when we need to get there, and how we are going to get there. Sheep aren’t meant to lead themselves. Students aren’t meant to teach themselves. And servants aren’t meant to run themselves. There is an ease in letting Him have the reigns.

In saying that, Imma let you in on a little secret. Isaiah 14:12-14, Ezekiel 28:14-18 and Luke 10:18 talk about the fall of Satan. What’s interesting, is that Isaiah 14:13-14 and Ezekiel 28:17 give the reason he was cast into hell and exiled from the Kingdom of God. Wanna know? Cause it’s super important, and you should remember it for the rest of your life: Satan focused on self. He exalted self. Period.

Look: Isaiah 14:13-14

“You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; 14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’”

Ezekiel 28:17

“Your heart was proud because of your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor.”

Satan thought he was the bee’s knees and found out that he wasn’t. Satan thought he was better than God and more glorious than God and more wise and powerful and discerning than God, and should therefore reign above God- reign over God. And do you know what happened to him? I encourage you to click on that link and read it for yourself, but the short answer is: Jesus watched Him fall from heaven like lightning. He failed. Do you know why he failed? Because he wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t strong enough. He wasn’t holy enough. He wasn’t smart enough. He wasn’t disciplined enough. He wasn’t good enough.

And ya know what?

Neither are we. Period.

Ladies and gentlemen, we do not have it in us to be godly enough to serve God properly. Satan wants you to focus on your abilities/lack thereof, your intelligence or lack thereof, your wisdom and holiness and creativity and skills and strength and everything else/the lack thereof with all of it. He wants you to be so consumed with what you do and don’t have/what you are and aren’t, that you never have the time, energy or reason to pay attention to the God who is every single thing you need. Our job down here, is not to get caught up and doped up on self. Satan’s greatest downfall was getting too hopped up on himself, so it’s his greatest weapon against us.

A conversation I just had with a few friends after discussing their prayer requests led me to a realization of the attack the enemy has planned against the body of Christ- Isolation. It is one of the greatest attacks using self. When you are isolated, you only think about yourself. It drives you away from the body of Christ, from friends, from family, from coworkers and mentors, from church and Bible Study. In all these attacks, confusion and problems that my friends and acquaintances have been facing, they always confess that they felt so alone in the struggle! Only to find out that the people around them were going through the exact same thing. If the enemy can make us think life is only about us, then we will be more willing to entertain our struggles, and less willing to fight our battles and issues. Because the damage only falls on us, and that’s less responsibility than if it affected several others or moreover, thousands of others. But we are a body, people!

1 Corinthians 12:25-27, “So that there should be no division in the body, but that its members should have mutual concern for one another. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a member of it.”

If one part suffers, every part suffers. So as each of us are getting individually attacked, so is the whole body. If your big toe is sprained, it makes walking hard because now you’re trying to take pressure off of it and you’re walking on the side of your foot, which is creating unequal distribution of weight and now your foot, legs, hips and back hurt because everything it out of whack. It’s like Captain America Civil War (lol). In order to disarm the Avengers, the villain knew that he had to break them apart by making them come into such vehement disagreement, that instead of being one solid unit, they broke into individual parts. And one by one, a group is always easier to pick off rather than if they were ganged up together. It’s easier to break individual plans of wood, it’s harder to take down a wall.

So the enemy wants us isolated, separated and focused entirely on self, where he can pick us off one by one. He wants us so focused on our problems- thinking nobody understands and that nothing more than our joy and finances are at risk- that we draw away from community and continue to secretly entertain things that God told us to put down and shake off. News flash for us though: We’re all getting attacked and this is a divisive scheme of the enemy to keep us from coming together and recognizing that we need each other. You are not alone. Others are suffering through the same things, but there are revelations, wisdom, prophecies, life lessons, Scriptures, teachings, encouragements, advice, prayers, etc that others have that you will never get if you don’t come out of the bubble of self and join the rest of the body. The enemy knows it’s much more potent to attack multiple people individually, rather than just attack a single individual multiple times. It’s better to hit them hard all at once over and over again, than to only drill one area. We need each other, but more importantly, we need God. Satan found out that without God, he’s nothing but a roach that needs permission to stick around.

Without God, who is the Head of our body, we are nothing more than individual members scattering around without purpose, without power and therefore, without progress.

Y’all remember those breathtaking pictures, right? Just like one star didn’t make up that galaxy, it is not just us in this big giant world and this grand ole scheme. Trust, it’s time to join the ranks and let Addonai take the reigns.

Clarity

Another popular prayer request was for clarity, guidance and discernment. This is heartbreaking because not knowing where to go is a feeling that’s equivalent to “being in the dark.” I was talking to God today and I told Him I was tired of being in the dark about what my next step was. Y’all know what He clapped back with and said? You would feel in the dark when you’re serving up under something that originates from darkness.

Uuuummm?? Wait hello?? Is this thing on, cause....what???

Like it came on the tail end of my comment. As in, no space or breath between. And it settled in me. I wasn’t surprised because He had shown me while I was praying on Friday that this was an issue too many of His children were dealing with right now. I had thought I was the only one, only to be bombarded with the fact that, this was so much bigger than me.

The enemy is really out to confuse the children of God, making them scatter and feel abandoned. If you can cut off a sheep’s ability to see and hear their Shepherd, then you can control them, or at least keep them from progressing and moving how they need to. The issue is, as God showed me:

There are things that we have entertained in the past- or are still entertaining- that are not of Him and thereby, have been given permission and authority to come into our lives and disrupt our connection with God. This happens through an attack on our discernment/clarity where the enemy places a covering over our minds and scales over our spiritual eyes and ears.

Acts 9:1-18 talks about the conversion of Saul into an apostle. For those who don’t know, Saul (whose name became Paul) is an OG in the Bible who wrote 13 of the New Testament books. He actually killed Christians for a living and was a super “high and mighty” sort of guy. He was the kind of church folk we don’t like. Real snooty and self righteous. Which is what Satan was and what God is trying to get us not to be. But anyways, in verse 18 of Acts 9, it says, “And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight.”

The Lord was showing me that there are some things that we have been serving/entertaining in the past or still presently are, that haven’t been cast down, surrendered to Him and disowned in our lives, so they have created scales over our eyes and ears. Some things that used to or still do have our attention and have the power to distract us.

For example, I had an Amazon Prime subscription that I forgot about it. Because I was a student, it was free. But a year after my schooling ended, it began to charge me as a regular subscription. Since I wasn’t aware of this, I hadn’t cancelled my subscription and the charges kept adding up. Monthly charges and late fees were steadily accruing to my account. They would call me over and over and over again, waking me from my sleep and taking up storage in my phone with their constant voicemails. My mom went to check the bill and noticed that was an amount where there should have been a zero balance.

Without my awareness or conscious consent, this thing was wreaking havoc on my life and still operating. Still causing damage. And our spiritual lives are the same way. Some of us subscribed for things in the past, or still have an active account they use, that is wreaking havoc on your discernment and clarity to this very day. You have given some spirit- lust, greed, vanity, revenge, addiction, etc access to your account and it is still running you into debt. And because you never disowned, cast off, and surrendered that thing to God, it is still operating and functioning.

His Word has told us the He has given us the Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 So that means, the enemy actually has no power over the state of our minds. But by the things we entertain, we can actually give him authority to disillusion us and enter into our discernment to interfere with our clarity. So these unclean spirits create a covering of confusion over our minds and create scales over our spiritual eyes and ears, which keep us-whether partially or wholly- blind and deaf to the guidance and voice of God. The enemy’s sole purpose is to keep us away from God. He doesn’t want us trusting God, consulting God, relying on God, praying to God, fellowshipping with Him, wanting Him, praising Him, talking to Him, etc.

So think of these things like the old school web page blocks. If you tried to go to a website that was restricted, it’d take you to the school district’d blocked page, telling you the site was unavailable and deemed inappropriate. So, because of our relation to these unclean spirits, they have the right, under certain topics of conversation, to reroute our calls with God to the blocked page so we can’t hear or see Him properly. So every time you try to get on the phone with the Lord and seek His help/guidance, that thing that you never surrendered hops on the line and whispers things to you or blocks you from recognizing His voice.

This year, it was prayed over me that it was extremely important to get familiar with God’s voice. I had a year of often thinking it was Him when it wasn’t. And the more areas of your life that aren’t submitted to Him, the larger the playing field is for anything to slide its answers to you. When you’re not submitted to God, your mind and discernment are a free for all in the spirit realm, where any demon or devil could be talking to you. You’ll definitely hear things that will lead you to serve whatever god you’re serving. I was serving vanity, so I was led to a lot of things, ideas and explanations the protected/promoted my image. Even if those things were damaging thoughts. We must be mindful of what we’re serving. If you serve money, you’ll hear opportunities everywhere. It will speak to you through anything.

If you are serving and operating in Unforgiveness, that in and of itself is a haze and block against the Lord. The Word says in Ephesians 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” Unforgiveness is an actual opening to the devil to talk to you and influence you. And as long as you hold onto that anger, he can continue to talk to you and cloud your clarity on a matter, because he will only tell you things that satisfy that self righteous anger, those things that make you puff up your chest and think I have every right to be mad. So what if we never talk again. She wasn’t a real friend anyways. He wasn’t down for me. They were just some snakes. She just hating on me cause I moved up in life. And so on and so forth. When you’re so busy entertaining solutions and perspectives that feed your anger and grudge, when do you have the opportunity and awareness to hear the Lord when He’s trying to speak forgiveness to you? The Lord understands that we get angry, but He knows nothing good comes from holding onto it. He knows that it only gives the devil a foot in the door of your life and discernment.

God desires grace. He tells us in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Matthew 5:23-24 speaks on this same theme of reconciling with your brothers before coming to Him, “Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Look at Ephesians 4:32- “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Unforgiveness, a lack of mercy, a hardened heart, these are things very opposite to God’s character and so against the very foundation of His relationship with us, that He tells us that we should be making every effort to make it right with one another or come to Him for help in working it out. The Lord tells us in Luke 11:23, "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. When you are outside of the will, desire and character of God, He says that you are not with Him, progressing with Him. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us in Hebrews 13:5, and that He is always with us in Psalm 73:23.

But look, there are things we participate in throughout life and come into agreement with, that are the equivalent of placing on headphones and sunglasses while God is walking and talking with us. Things that are the equivalent of walking into dark and loud places with those sunglasses and headphones on. And what started off as a mere hum and slight dimming of interference in our ability to perceive the Lord throughout our circumstances, becomes a full on deaf and blindness. Sometimes we devote ourselves to things/entertain habits, mindsets, emotions, people, etc that cause us to lose track of the presence of the Lord. Though He is always with us, we lose the ability to hear and see Him as we devote ourselves to spending time in/with things that close off our connection to Him.

So, as we go to Him, the Lord is going to show us those places that need to be disowned, renounced and surrendered to Him. He’s taking the power we’ve given to the enemy back. But until we ask Him to reveal those places, we’ll stay in the dark. Legitimately. Anything outside of Him, is outside of light since He is Light. When we ask someone to “shed some light on the topic,” it’s because we need further understanding and clarification. We can’t get that if topics remain unexplained or improperly discussed. Just the same, we can’t expect to get the full spectrum of God’s illuminating clarity if there’s still parts of us that are serving up under shadows and darkness.

Mental Health

Now, this one is more so about stress and anxiety. Mental Health is a huge topic, and I am by no means an expert. So I won’t exactly be touching on the whole spectrum.

Just in regards to stress and anxiety, the Lord basically pointed to Himself as an example of a perfect mind and perfect mental health. His mind functions without flaw. In fact, His mind is so powerful and proper, that what He thinks, comes to pass.

Isaiah 14:24 “The Lord of hosts has sworn, saying, “Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to pass.” Another verse discusses a concept kinda similar to that in humans, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7. For God, what He thinks-happens. For us, what we think in our hearts- which means whatever we devote our consistent attention to, whatever we believe and meditate on- so we are, so we become.

When we focus on stress, we become stressed. When we focus on lust, we become horny. When we think about food, we get hungry. When we concentrate on companionship/lack thereof, we feel lonely. When we harp on our inadequacies, we feel insecure. There are things that we are meditating on that are affecting how we think, feel, sleep, communicate, relate to others, learn, eat, work, date, relax, exercise, etc. There are ideas we have that control who we are, who we let in, what we do, etc. Things that are restricting, oppressive, harmful, debilitating, etc. There are thoughts and perspectives we weren’t designed and destined to agree with- lies the enemy wants us to feed off of.

So the Lord showed me that He wants to gives us His perspective, understanding, thoughts and truths about ourselves, our circumstances, our relationships, jobs, aspirations, troubles, etc. What we’ve been thinking about, harping on and meditating over are deteriorating our peace, joy, esteem, hope, and rest. So, the commission? Meet God where you’re at and pour out. Don’t try to put on by being extra holy, unbothered, super strong or grateful (cause I recently used to come to God as I felt I was supposed to, and not as I actually was). Let Him know you’re frustrated, stressed, down bad, wondering what the crap is going on, depressed, anxious, confused, hurt, feeling abandoned or forgotten, lost and cold. Let Him know you’re not sleeping well and having nightmares, that you can barely keep it straight during the day. Let Him know you cry all the time or that you want to even though you typically never do.

And understand that He knows every single thing you’re saying to Him already. This practice is rehearsing how to surrender to God. I know I keep using that word, but it’s important. How can He be your God, your Master, your Parent if you don’t relinquish control to Him? Letting everything out and being transparent is an exercise of trust and love. You coming to Him and being honest is saying, “I’m ready to be vulnerable, I’m admitting that I’m vulnerable and I need Your help. I need YOU, because I haven’t been enough. Even when I wish I was, I am just not enough to help myself like You can help me, God.”

And that brings me to another important area that was common in the prayer requests, and my last point:

Strength

This ties right into Discipline, because we try to practice discipline in our own strength. But simply put, we cannot get the job done and go through life in our own strength only. When we come to the end of ourselves, we reach the beginning of an infinite God with infinite strength, power, solutions, resources, wisdom, hope, joy and peace. Stop trying to be happy all by yourself. Stop trying to find and control your own peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). He promises us rest (Hebrews 4), so let Him give it to you and help you. Moral of the story is: let Him lead and guide you, provide for and supply you, protect and stand by you.

Again, I know mental health is broad and gets preeetty complicated. So I’m not trying to minimize its issues. My point is, there are some things, like stress and forms of anxiety, that the Lord wants to heal you from in this season. And He wants to begin by replacing your toxic beliefs, those empty promises of can’t and won’t, and the discouraging lies that plague your every moment with His truth, His perspective, His promises and His decrees.

You are so much more than what your mind and the enemy tells you.

So from here on out, let’s just let God take the reigns of our discipline, discernment (clarity), minds, and strength. You know what. Let’s let Him take the reigns period. Jesus take the wheel, remember? Look at those pictures one more time. Soak it in, breathe and start surrendering. The God of miracles, signs, wonders and infinite universes can handle it. He made our universe, so He can maneuver yours.

#discernment #clarity #strength #discipline #stress #anxiety #God of the universe

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