robin1729 - Tumblr blog

robin1729 · 13 days

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When asked why there is bad in the world, a lot of religious people will say "God didn't create good or bad. He just created us. He gave us free will. Whatever good or bad was going to be there in the world, was up to us." And I get that. But answer me this, God knew our nature, right? When he was creating us? He knows everything, so he must have. He knew what we would do. Why did he create gold, when he knew we would kill each other over it?

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robin1729 · 13 days

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Mujhe toh ek shaks ki talaash thi, aur usse sirf pyaar ki.

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robin1729 · 13 days

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creation is wrong?

As someone who has always been into telling stories, I was obviously instantly fascinated with the idea of being an influencer. So, I started watching interviews of influencers I admire. And they talked about how to create a reel that grabs people's attention, that keeps them glued to the screen till the end, that makes them want to see more of your content.

And then, I saw a lot of the same influencers talk about how addictive social media has become, with its endless scroll and constant dopamine hits. And I was like, what do you mean? Aren't you part of the problem? You are the ones designing your reels specifically so that they give people that dopamine hit, so that they keep coming back for more.

So maybe some creation is wrong? Even shows today are made to be binged. Ten episodes released at a time, every episode ending with a cliffhanger, so you don't close the app, switch off the tv, shut down your laptop.

You could argue that people who are rotting in bed all day (not always a thing to look down upon; depression is real, people) will simply find something else to rot with. They'll binge watch movies, youtube, or a million other things we have now. Did people not rot in bed all day before the internet? They definitely did, right? Does that make it okay to make it easier for them to do that? To create with the explicit purpose of keeping them hooked to their screens?

You can always just throw up your hands, cite free will, and say "hey, creators will create, we are not forcing over-consumption on anyone." You could argue that I am doing the same thing right now. Maybe you, and yes I am talking to you now, my dear reader. Maybe you are doom-scrolling through Tumblr right now, and I am contributing to it. I did write a title that I thought was attention-grabbing. I am writing this post in a way that I think is the most interesting, hoping you'll read till the end. I could say, we definitely have way too much content available to us now, and you would simply reply "But isn't that a good thing? You can write, shoot a movie, make music from absolutely anywhere in the world, and if you are good (and sometimes even when you are not), there is a chance that people will see it! It's why you have an audience, albeit a very very small one, in like 4 days of making this account, Robin." Though I don't know why you would call me Robin, that is obviously not my real name.

I don't know what the answer is. We desperately want things to be either black or white, the world would be so much easier to understand then. But most of the time they're just grey. They have good things and bad things about them. And you can't really stop the world from going down a path, can you? So I guess you just roll with the punches.

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robin1729 · 13 days

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Every face feels familiar these days

I have always had this habit of observing people? When I was in school I read in some book that you shouldn't be so concerned with embarassing yourself in public, because everyone's too caught up with themselves to look at you, and a funny little voice in my brain went "well, what if I wasn't? what if I looked?" It started as an amusing thought and then it just became a thing somehow. I would realise later in life that it is also something that my mom does. She is constantly looking at other people. Like she is sizing them up. For what, I have no idea. But yeah, the book was wrong. You should be embarassed, random guy picking his nose in the middle of the market last week, because we remember you. Me AND my mom.

And now, I don't know, I will see someone random in public and I'll feel like I have seen them somewhere before. This keeps happening. Even with random people on Instagram. Have I finally lived enough that I have seen enough variations of the human face, so much that new faces don't seem new anymore? Or has my curiousity of wanting to get inside every person's little world and get to know them finally gotten so desperate that my mind just goes "oh yeah, you already know this guy."

It makes me feel...weird. Like I have interacted with too many people. Like I need a vacation to just be by myself in a little cottage on a deserted hill somewhere. But then, I always feel like I need that.

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robin1729 · 13 days

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Sometimes evil isn't intention. Sometimes it's thoughtlessness. Sometimes it's inaction. Sometimes it's what it does to the other person. Sometimes it's you.

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robin1729 · 15 days

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Names have power

Names have power. My first introduction to this concept was, obviously, Percy Jackson. In Uncle Rick's world, you couldn't take Zeus' name without summoning lightning and thunder. You couldn't name Kronos, the Lord of Time, without a chill falling over the entire place, like some part of his presence was suddenly there.

The next series I read was Harry Potter. People feared Voldemort so much, they didn't dare take his name. Instead he became You-know-who. Everyone knew. I think there was more to it than fear though. I think saying his name suddenly cast a shadow of gloominess over any gathering they might be at, reminding everyone of everything he did, everything and everyone the people there lost.

That belief would only be confirmed for me later in life. You left, and your name became taboo. In everything I wrote on my phone, every journal entry, you are there, but not really. There's someone called "you" and "her" but no mention of a name. I sometimes would randomly start a conversation with "You know, she used to..." and I never had to say who. Everyone knew. It was there. Your presence like a heavy blanket weighing on everyone there, but everyone wary of your name.

And that is why, even now, on this blog that doesn't have my name or my face, and with no one I know reading it, your name remains unspoken.

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robin1729 · 17 days

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My dad uses this extra large font on his phone now? and he has been asked to not eat any raw food. He also can't eat ladyfinger, taro, and a bunch of other dishes that I love with all my heart and if someone asked me to let go of them, I would frankly stop seeing the point of living my life. So now for our meals we have to prepare separate dishes a lot of the time, since he can only eat vegetables that I deemed disgusting a long time ago, and I am unfortunately stuck in my ways.

We and our parents already live in such different worlds. And now there's one more thing separating us. But the real kicker is, you always read about how as you grow older you're confronted with your parents' mortality. But you never see it coming. One day your father is running a half marathon. The next day your mother is complaining that she has a headache all the time that she cannot get rid of. And to think that I am still in the very early stages of this.

And yet, somehow, even after seeing all of this, most of us are so unaware of our own limited time on this planet. The knowledge is there, deep down, but we, or I at least, barely think about it. It is never a factor when I am planning my life, or making any major decisions.

There is no other way to be also I guess. What are you gonna do, think about your death all the time? No, better to think that life is endless, that things will always be the way they are, a belief that makes you delusional in happy times and even more miserable in miserable times. But it's the only one you can hold. For your own sanity.

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robin1729 · 17 days

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Saw a happy stranger today

I saw this guy today walking towards me on the opposite side of the road, just walking normally at first glance. But he had the most melancholic smile on his face, and he had this gleam in his eyes. Maybe someone else would have found that weird, but I couldn't help but let out a happy chuckle. Because I have been there, so lost in a daydream that my eyes glaze over and I barely know what's happening around me.

I didn't know what he was dreaming about, but it must have been amazing.

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robin1729 · 18 days

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At my sanest, I hate you. That's how I know it's insane for me to love you anymore. If only I could be sane all the time.

#prose #poetry #heartbreak #poems on tumblr #poems and quotes #poems and poetry #short poem #original poem #poem #writing #words #thoughts #literature

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robin1729 · 18 days

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The man who can only be happy without a beard

I made the mistake of telling myself that I look my best when I am clean shaven (which I genuinely think I do). The problem with that is, I always want to look my best. So now everytime I am out in the world with even a hint of a beard, I just keep thinking "ugh I could be looking so much better right now."

So now I shave every third day, like Sisyphus rolling the same rock up his hill again and again and again. Except in my case I already had other a bunch of other rocks I had to roll. Rocks named laundry, bills, washing dishes, keeping my room clean, keeping my BATHROOM clean, eating healthy, exercising, going for walks, staying connected with friends, my job. And yet, of my own free will, I decided to add another rock to my collection.

One must imagine Sisyphus happy, since he only had one rock to roll.

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robin1729 · 18 days

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A place to cry freely

As I travelled in the metro to my stepmother's house (technically now my dad's and hers), I watched Shawshank Redemption on my phone. The movie was spectacular. I was ashamed to say that I had gone 24 years without seeing it but der aaye durust aaye. Better late than never I guess.

By the time I reached my destination, I was halfway through, and already on the verge of crying. I had to wipe my tears and make sure that I looked normal by the time I reached the station exit, where my dad was waiting in his car. Emotional vulnerability in front of my father was never something I was especially good at. I don't even know why, he had never discouraged us from being emotional in front of him, or shied away from talking about how he felt. He had always been a good father, I think, so I didn't even have any issues with him. Maybe it's just a universal thing.

I was staying with him and my stepmother for the next week, and while I was glad to see him, but bummed out about the fact that I wouldn't be able to complete my movie until next week now. Why? Because I knew this movie could make me cry, and make me cry hard. And at their home, I couldn't cry properly now, could I? I wanted to bawl my eyes out, as loudly as I could. But you can only do that in your own home.

That's what home is. A place where you can't just laugh freely, but also cry freely. Like the way I used to cry when you held me against yourself. The way I would just let go, let it all out. And the lightness I would feel after. Like a huge boulder had been lifted off my chest. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to cry properly since you left. I lost my home. Or maybe a part of me is worried that there's no one to comfort me now, or maybe I am worried that if I start, I would never stop.

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robin1729 · 18 days

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stuck in a loop

I was walking down the steps of a metro station and there was this guy who was mopping the floors, and he was doing it so systematically, mopping one step from left to right, then the next one from right to left, adjusting his mop before every step so that every square inch of each step is covered. And some guy who was walking a few steps below me went “bade dhyaan se kar rahe ho yaar tum toh.”

You’re doing it so meticulously.

He said it with a mixture of amusement and sarcasm, the implication being “why are you putting so much effort in this menial task.” He didn’t reply, just hung his head down in a little embarassment and let the guy walk by. I felt bad for him. The guy had to do this incredibly monotonous task day after day, live his life in a loop, and he had somehow found some kind of purpose in that. He was still adamant on doing it right, even though he could have half-assed it, which I would get. And here I was, complaining to my friends everytime I met them how monotonous my comfortable corporate job that paid me so much more than this guy’s job was.

I don’t know who is right or wrong here. It is obviously okay to want more for yourself, but we need someone to do the boring menial tasks as well. I guess we just have to be content and make the most out of wherever we are. Someday we will escape these loops, and others will take our place here. Maybe it’s a rite of passage, before we move on to better things.

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robin1729 · 18 days

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When you go through heartbreak the same time as your mother

My mom called me yesterday and asked me to add my dad to the call and not tell him that she was there as well, just so that she can hear his voice. And I had to sit there and tell her that it's not healthy, and that it has been 3 years and she should move on.

I had to do that, when just a couple of months ago, I was in the same place, dying to hear your voice. I had hyped it up so much in my mind. I thought it would solve all my problems and make everything right in the world. And then we did talk, and it was nothing like I expected. It did not solve any of my problems, at least not in ways that I had expected. You didn't sound anything like yourself. "I feel like I am talking to a new person" I had told you. And the most surprising thing of all, I felt nothing towards this person I was talking to. Everything good I feel, is for a version of you that just does not exist anymore. Somewhere along the way, you just became a completely different version of yourself. You did things that I never thought you would, and made me hate you. Never thought in a million years that that would happen.

So how could I tell my mother, a woman clearly in the same emotional anguish that I know too well, that she should forget about it? But I had to, and it was...something. I just never thought my mom and I would be in the same boat. Not when it comes to this.

#prose #heartbreak #mothers #fathers #family

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