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featherburnt · 2 years

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➥ The End of All Things

Type: One-Shot Pairing: m!OC x V Word Count: 5,74 Tags: Death, regret, angst, loss, failure, insects, blood, gore, nightmares, guilt, drama, V is not Vergil

Summary: A man's heart is only as strong as his memory, for if he forgets who he is and who he loves, what strength may he claim at the end of all things - what forgiveness may he beg for in a dream within a dream?

A belated birthday gift to you, @inkburnt, my dearest friend.

As always, minors do not interact.

A brilliant cascade of abyssal stars crumbled and fell to the earth, tainted wholly by darkness and despair, and in their wake they left behind tragedy and ruin; Jungles of concrete and glass collapsed into their foundations as little more than rubble, and all that was once green and lively had turned cold and black and broken, wild dogs and all others encased in ash and stardust, forever frozen in place and doomed to die choking on the corrosive fumes billowing from the fallen stars around them. Even the soil is saturated with death and the snap of ushered fates, tamped flat by the sluggish feet of the damned, the lost, clumped together by the blood, sweat, and salted tears of the frightened and starving - the few who survived the calamity. And the sun would not rise for them, no matter how desperately they should pray, for it, too, had twisted and contorted into a blackened husk; And the moon would not pull the tide, no matter how long they should weep, for it, too, had been shattered.

The wonder and beauty of waking, breathing life was but a ghost, a memory, a dream.

Only death remains, the promise of hopelessness, famine, and terror lurking around every corner, snatching up those who linger with filthy, gnarled claws. The lost souls of yesterday are devoured by the evils of today, torn asunder, swallowed, digested, and lost once more, consumed by the dangers of shadow and circumstance. Hope is abandoned, happiness an empty pleasantry, calmness an omission of truth, truth an outright falsehood; There is no meaning to the pitiful lives lived under a starless sky, and they are restless, mindless, corrupted, tainted in all the same ways as the very stars that had forsaken them.

But there is always more to the stories of old, the disparate retellings of the event that claimed the world its victim, and the truth was more complicated and convoluted than any vague memory could ever hope to describe. Hidden in plain sight were the wide swaths of talon marks across pillars of rubble, tooth and claw buried into the ashen bones of the damned, and the vast pools of blood feeding the roots of charred, fleshy remnants of Hell. Devilish corpses slowly sank into the earth, drawn in by the idly lapping pull and draw of dark crimson, and skeletons now lie an unnerving call to the beginning of the end, stained by the impurity of what they’d wrought. The remains of their conquest dotted the horizon as foully as the day they first splintered their claws rising from the depths of hot-burning flame and brimstone, pouring from writhing pits of flesh and fire as the blood spilt flooded the world they plotted to greedily reave and madly destroy. It all pulsed to the tune of a dying heartbeat, yet contained no life within, rising and falling without purpose nor mind, in the end. There was only so much the armies of Hell could withstand, a victim of their invasion and overzealous sacking of the waking world, for it was they who pled to their gods and kings in a bid for power unrivaled - and they were blessed to have received an answer to their prayers, however foolish they were to turn away from the synergistic nature of Hell’s relationship with Heaven and the earth…

One by one, the stars melded with the expansive abyss, dying in its arms, and soon fell to the earth they coveted, mercilessly laying waste to all in their path, leaving families in scattered pieces, lovers as aimless wanderers with hearts in tatters, and mountains of rotting, festering bodies for the flies. Of all things that may be certain, it is the destruction of the world and the death it’d borne.

Of this, Garrett had no doubts, for he, too, had been cursed to shuffle and crawl through the muck of blood and mud combined, weighed down by the cold light of the dead stars, smoldering in their frigid heat - alone. Only the spectral memory of what he’d lost clung to the back of his mind, pale and ghostly images of the life he’d built in a city that no longer exists with people who no longer live lingering without substance nor promise; He knew they’d been lost, too, hollow husks of the humanity they once championed, strangled by noxious smoke and fume and left to wither and crumble to ash and dust beneath a blanket of hopelessness and despair, each of them to suffer their fates alone. The calamity came too quickly and cut too deep, like the silvery shine of a blade in the darkest back alley, and his family of hard-won misfitted devils and tortured humans was scattered and isolated, overwhelmed by the armies of his conquering kin and the desolation of the cosmos. But there was one he cherished above all, one he treasured and loved with all his blackened heart, and though he tirelessly sifted through ash and bone and fought every battle with feral enthusiasm in spite of what parts of him were missing and bleeding, he could not find his mate.

He feared the worst, of course, stumbling and fumbling through the ruins of their devastated world, swallowed whole by the unceasing tragedy of his loss, and it was in this fear and shambling erosion that he forgot himself. He’d forgotten what’d shaped and molded him into a man, what tethered him to humanity and split his connection to Hell and its machinations, what filled him with great joy and gave him a full sense of purpose; He’d forgotten who he was without his home, without the warm, soothing reminders that he’d belonged and was needed as he was, accepted and beloved; And he’d forgotten, in all his aimless roaming of the earth where his claws cracked and gnarled, the man he fought to become and the extraordinary love he insulated himself with, and the reciprocation in the peridot of his mate’s eyes, and the devilish younglings he took into his ashen paws to nurture and grow. He’d forgotten his greatest struggle, his greatest love, his greatest loss, his strengths and his weaknesses, and in the darkened twilight gloom, an age of hollow wandering came and only the prick of numbness and miserable uncertainty of all things remained.

He was no different than the others, left behind in the same manner as all those who escaped with their lives when the burning pustules of Hell burst and pocked the lands with the mangled corpses of the Heavens, cursed never to find an inkling of his mate’s whereabouts nor peace in the dilapidated grand cathedral of an empty world.

How unfortunate, that this should now be his cross to bear once more, but a mere hazy memory was all that remained of the first and he could no longer recall the events of yesteryears, only what he felt, and such was not so poetic a thing. Still, he yearned gravely for it, for the divine complexity and human simplicity where life had been regarded as precious and uniquely meaningful because of its brevity, where the beauty in it shone as bright as any star in the bonds and memories they built. Those were the ghosts he’d permitted to haunt him, the memories of that life however painful it may have been. But the days all became one and blended together, and those memories faded, and what else could he do but forget? Only his emotions lingered and soon they, too, will leave him and only frantic instinct and devil nature will remain.

Perhaps he was being punished for some great sin, but he couldn’t figure out exactly which one, let alone remember what qualified, though it could have been the results of his failure to protect those he held most dear, the fruits of desperate inadequacy.

Or, perhaps it was simply a circumstance none of them could control, where none of their efforts could stand to meaningfully deter the overwhelming and swift destruction of their home, where they were too few and all else was too many .

For a terribly long time, he laid there in the bloody muck and languished like the fool he thought himself to be, shallow breaths causing ripples and bubbling to slowly and steadily alter its muddy surface. It was warm and wreaked of rot and unceasing decay, a cradle of death. It seemed a trivial, pointless matter to stand and tentatively continue his steadily fading quest when the likelihood he’d ever find his mate and the others had long since dwindled - it’d been far, far too long. Still, it may be for the best that he moves on from this place, before his limbs begin to atrophy and the sores riddling his hide worsen. An infection would spell his end long before starvation ever could.

And, so, with tremendous effort, he climbed to his hellish paws so riddled with the slag of underworldly decease, and began his enduring quest anew with uncertainty and confusion fogging his mind, feeble and diminished to his core. What was once a statuesque and nobly terrifying representation of the bestial machinations of Hell had shrunken into himself, gaunt and withered and afflicted by infernal mange; There were none who possessed any life within them with which he could feed and absorb, but, though his journey may never reach an end, he would abide by what’d come as second nature, bear the still-burning embers a long gone until nothing at all was left of him.

Every muscle strapped to his bones quaked and tensed in relentless cycles, and despite drowning in steady waves of torturous agony, he took the first step.

And, then, more were soon to follow.

He did not pause to care for himself, did not shake himself free of the excess blooded sludge soaking through his ashen fur, his thoughts singularly focused on his search, but all the while he thought to himself, grasping meekly at the remnants of a life now past. What exactly he was hoping to find was beyond him in truth, merely hints and suggestions of his mate’s physical attributes and the time they’d spent entwined on sleepless nights; His memories proved amorphous and deceptive, an ever changing glimmer in an ocean of despair. He prayed it would one day solidify and distill into something tangible and concrete, where his questions regarding his life before would meet their answers, but neither hope nor faith could substantiate his prayers. It was a strange ritual for a devil to partake as it was, perhaps he ought not trespass further against what few stars may still twinkle in the abyss…

He trotted along in the endless wastelands, breathing in the festering rot plaguing the air. His head bobbed with exhaustion, rolling back and forth between his shoulders, the haunting gloom leaving a lifeless glow to catch on the surface of mucky pools as shadows stretched beyond into inky blackness. The earth squelched between the pads of his gnarled paws, the faintest fizzle and pop of his heat kineticizing scarlet rivulets and puddles. He could not glean either for even a miniscule shred of rejuvenating energy, dragging his splintered claws through warm coagulations and dust. He continued forward, only briefly glancing toward the pools he passed, but no particular scents caught his attention nor beckoned for acknowledgement, and even fewer corpses and skeletons demanded inspection. They each lacked in intimate familiarity, gnawed and broken to pieces, and they’d have been wholly unrecognizable had it not been for the decaying flesh scattered in piles around them.

So much death…

He began to wonder if he’d been responsible for it himself, the day Hell clawed from its primordial depths and wrought upon the world its reckoning. He could not tuck his tails between his legs and hurry to escape it now, trapped beneath the suffocating weight of his mistakes, and, he swore, allowances could not be made to excuse his inadequacy. It did not matter that control and the strength with which to exercise it had been sapped from him, not before or after the end had come; Heavy chains restricted him, tightening and squeezing until his chest began to cave in under pressure, blood oozing out of him like an overripe fruit. Coughing caused it to splatter across ash and coagulated blood, dripping from dry, cracked lips, ever so slowly pooling around his massive paws. It hurts - it aches - and such agony was oft accompanied by sorrowful, pitiful whimpering and groaning, whining and moaning.

He stopped himself short, gazing into the dull red, glassy surface of a puddle as if it held the secrets, the truth in its miniscule vastness, a pinprick in the fabric of the world. He stared and stared, not a sound nor interrupting ripple tearing across its surface could distract him, remove him from this pitiable pause, his chest heaving with wanton loathing and unceasing exhaustion. Without warning, Garrett collapsed, his long and withered legs trembling unsteadily before buckling underneath him, and as his massive head collided with the ashen earth, his nose half-submerged in rotted blood, he found himself in the same position he’d allowed himself to suffer for untold lengths of time.

He stared and stared and stared some more, idly watching the puddle shift and writhe with every breath, his mouth hanging open so he might collect more air into his lungs. But blood weaseled into the empty crevices between his teeth, thick with the unmistakable flavor of soured iron and the taint of deathly corruption, and something fouler, still, accompanied it; Wriggling senselessly in the murk, toward that which was warm raggedly breathing, were the slick larval bodies of the relentless eaters of decay, rising and falling with the flow of painful breaths. Slowly, at first, and, then, all at once, breaking miniature waves with their tiny, round, starving heads as Garrett unflinchingly, mindlessly remained. He’d not the strength to climb to his paws, nor the will to try once more, and he could not fathom the potential rewards for such a feat; Had there been any at all, he was certain he did not deserve them.

Bloodshot blues steadily closed and the dilapidated, broken world caging him came to be framed in little more than encroaching blackness, a needless yet invasive mark of the ebb and flow of consciousness. Any attempts to keep himself conscious and somewhat alert were ushered away by the darkness, beaten back by the lifeless state of all things, and as he lie there in the dirt and bloody coagulants, he snake further and further into the abyss that’d fought harder than any to consume them all, and the mange riddling his fur soon became sustenance for the foulest devourers - the children of flies - for he, too, had been doomed. Cursed, as he’d thought, to wander aimlessly the endless wastes, and to breathe his final breath in the cradles of shallow pools, a meal for what precious little life still dared to defy its fate.

Maggots aplenty crawled along the length of his tongue, inching further along his mushy, bleeding gums to the abscesses in his throat in what felt to him a single-file line, diminutive jaws piercing infected flesh. They wriggled and writhed to the shores of their puddle, popping air bubbles with indelicate plips as they went, searching for his own decrepit body as it, too, afflicted with the pain of atrophy, famine, and the tragedy of the inevitable, slowly began to die, They made no sound, swift in their deliberation, and they gnawed and gnawed on the raw and exposed fringes of open wounds, greedily devouring his enfeebled hide without prejudice. He felt nothing, enshrined in hollow numbness, neither pain nor discomfort. Not even the tiny mouths that burrowed into his flesh. But he knew, well, the paths they took on their long, terrible march as they struggled further. He was raw and spread open, peeled apart by the natural cycles of life and death, teetering on the very edge of resignation, and he loathed to suffer such a fate undignified. He’d not the strength to rally against such forces yet remaining, and he knew he would not survive a battle of attrition, so there, in the bloody muck, he laid a wolf no longer but a hollow carcass without a place to call home, nor a mate to hold him in the consuming darkness, nor memories to ponder, nor memories to become.

Perhaps, once, he might’ve stuck his middle finger to the sky and screamed a slew of expletives, denied and defied what’d come, but the man he’d once been had been long dead already.

Was it fine for him - would he be forgiven? - to relinquish the last of his life to the larval flies feasting upon his flesh? Even though he was not strong enough, persistent enough, to viciously cling to his final breath and endure the grim loneliness of so broken world? To be a lasting yet quickly diminishing remnant of a time long past, alone and without hope or heart, had yet been a fate worse than even the death that beckoned him now. In the end, he could not save his truest love, nor could he bear to recover his skeletal remains, and he was sorry.

From the bottom of his shriveled, rotted, blackened heart, he was sorry.

He could not save their brothers, their friends, from fabled armageddon, from the inevitable destruction of all at the hands of sin, of the mass violent exodus of the devils and lords of Hell. He could not guide them down brighter paths, rescue them from the collapse of the night sky, to lengthen their life expectancy just a moment longer, and he was sorry.

He was sorry he’d failed them all, that he’d accepted now his fate, and no amount of apology would ever grant him the forgiveness he begged for in the fading moments of his life.

He was sorry.

Perhaps I will find you, in another life… at the beginning of all things.

Dirty lashes began to flutter as his eyes slunk backward in their sockets, his shallow breaths stuttering in tandem with the frantic beating of his heart. Weak muscles stiffened, contracting along softened bone, and his body arrested completely. One by one, his bodily functions began to fail, food for the foulest creatures now, and it was in these fleeting seconds he realized it was finally upon him - that death had come to bear its finality and take one last thing from him. And it came and went without a sound, as if granting him the dignity of a swift and painless end. And as he lied, darkness overcame him, and he breathed a long, broken sigh into the horrid, festering air, and death took him into its arms and carried him away into the deepest reaches of the abyss. Where pain and sorrow and loneliness and blame could not dampen his fur nor sully his heart; Where the sun would not grace his skin with the warmth of its rays, nor bask in the moonlight on evening walks among chiseled stone and honored dead; Where he could be free of the trappings of a meaningless life overburdened by misery and failure; Where he could not lose his strength or his will again; Where he could never find the gorgeous peridots that so adored him, cherished him, accepted him as the twisted being he’d always been.

Many unspoken regrets and forgotten sorrows took the place of his spirit, a curse all his own a scar upon the ash and dust of so broken and dead and shattered a world, but it was in the soulless expanse of the abyss he found peace; He’d no choice in the matter anymore, and an eternity stretched longly into an ever expanding cosmos unchained by mortal life, to forge anew the beginning and end of another world, another time, another man, until all would converge and collapse in on itself once more. No such concepts as forgiveness, trespass, love, hate, chaos, order, happiness or sorrow mattered any longer, but they would, again, some day, when time could be treasured and spent on them proper. But an opportunity for the world to mourn the loss of its life and all those it’d created had come, and it would greedily and foolishly succumb to its grief, accepting no question nor judgment for its own displays of weakness or tiredness. It, too, had died, choking on its final gasps as the ribs of cathedral halls expanded and contracted, the intricacies of worn paintings adorned in gold trim and shifting and breathing with the world’s death knell; But it did not waste away nor shrivel into nothingness prophesied, promised. Instead, it seemed only to sleep a dreadful sleep, sung to rest by its own machinations, its own voice, yet bleeding by its own hand. It did not know, could not recall, how to be, how to think, how to shape and mold itself in the brilliant splendor of gold and crimson and sapphire it once claimed - not on its own. A long, dreamful sleep, aching with fresh and anxious imagery of stardust tears and a thousand burning suns, the whisper of wind through the shuttering trees and the pelting of rain upon rivers, lakes, oceans– A new world had been ceded within the hazardous dreamworld of the cosmos and borne in its stead, awesome in its majesty and promise of flourishing life where once all was dead and not once brought back into being, glorious and kind to all those beneath its canopy of twinkling lights and sheltering midnight. It blossomed as if a long-tended rose in the greenest garden, its petals wide and saturated in scarlet, and so, too, had it seen its fair share of death and despair, but it did not lose hope. It grew ever taller, ever stronger, dripping with the sweetest morning dew and thriving because of its pain; It appreciated and loved all who traipsed across its face of mountains, forests, deserts, and oceans, cradling them in its arms through all cycles of life. A rarity, to be sure, but a truth nonetheless, for all things must yet come to an end lest they never begin again. It did not rob them of peace, yet blessed them with the freedom to choose for their own what they were, what they were to become, and more dream worlds swirled and danced and burst into being, where only those with the eyes to see the shimmering rose in the garden could.

So it was to be, an unceasing cycle of death and rebirth propagated by the hearts and minds of cosmic forces whose only sins were to create and destroy themselves, as they created and destroyed all those within their dreams. This tragedy was never lost on them, and many chose to bathe their worlds in their grief, but many more chose to endure until they could no longer, and yet still there remained those who would persist; The budding rose in the garden, so well-tended and loved, clung to its existence without fear nor worry, for it knew, at the end of all things, that it would begin again.

And in the waning darkness now stained with faintly pulsing orange, yellow, and red, plain yet warm in the dim glow of the morning, this garden would shiver and sing with the sway of the breeze and delicate lilt of birdsong and life, marching to the soft and steady beat of its own earthly drum. It was delicious delirium, sublime in every respect, to be bathed in warmth and allowed to peacefully dream away the beginnings of a brand new day, listening to the birds twitter and chirp and steadily approaching footsteps scattering the gravel and dirt beneath them. Sharp ears knew well who they belonged to and, wittingly, he roused from his rest, his shapeshifting dreams and listless terrors, turning over in the soft swath of grass he’d taken to in the wee hours; Garrett had always been easy to wake, and perhaps the tentativeness of the other party had known all along, for long, tender hands came upon the sleeping devil. Knuckles dragged along the slope of his jaw as fingers wistfully caressed incomplete swirls and pointed ends of black ink.

Only deliberate and unconditional love could be felt in those slender hands, and he relished the sensation of cool and pallid skin against his own. How he loved it, cherished it, committed it to the most impressionable pieces of his innermost self, as if at any moment it would disappear into the vastness of the cosmos.

A hum of acknowledgment thrummed in his throat and he reached blindly to catch the hands so occupied with gently bringing him to stir. Chilly those hands were, but he’d brought them to his lips to kiss them all the same.

“My love, I’ve been hunting for you,” came the calm complexity of V’s muttering, a pleasant whisper above the singing world.

“Mmm,” Garrett groggily purred, slowly turning his head if only to feel yet more of his beau’s lingering touch. And, then, he stretched his body in full, thrusting his arms above his head and arching his spine as if a back alley cat readying himself to go on the prowl. Only, he wouldn't be chasing after any rats. “Just-” He yawned, stubbly maw stretching wide. “-keepin’ watch over the perimeter, babe.”

This earned him a half-hearted chuckle.

“A fine job you’re doing. When I woke to see you’d run off, I thought the worst. I’d never expected to find you napping on the lawn.”

Garrett opened his eyes and blinked away his sleep, reluctantly pushing himself up to his elbows and gazing upon the pale, angular face he’d loved so completely. Raven hair swept in idle waves a medium frame the curves and planes of V’s visage; High cheekbones, full lips, and a captivating, arresting gaze of verdant peridot - so unique a shade of green could only belong to this alabaster sculpture of a man, an angel in human flesh, and only Garrett could be the diligent and doting dog beneath his feet. He would serve him til the end of his days, as he promised in this life and the next, and he would without question nor protest. It’d become his duty, his sole purpose, to shield him with his heart and mind, his body and soul, and to love him, truly, without condition nor expectation of his own. How wonderful it was to love and be loved by V, how fulfilling - like they’d always been meant to share their time together, at the end and beginning of all things where the smears of a tangerine sunrise bled into the clouds, unburdened by the pains of ages long past and mistake long forgiven.

A crooked smile pulled at the corners of his lips and he grinned cheekily at V.

V did not smile in return, his expression withdrawn and grim and - frightened, lonely, tortured.

His grin dissipated just as quickly as it’d come, and Garrett found himself instinctively gathering the sorcerer into his arms, hands splayed across his spine. With utmost care and sincerity, he pressed his forehead to V’s, sensing unspoken upset and distress.

“What’s wrong, pretty boy?” he murmured, a deep baritone to flutter and mingle along shared breaths. “Somethin’ happen? Babe?”

V stammered briefly, but he was not some sputtering child without the vocabulary to see it through. Rather, it seemed he simply did not have the strength, thinking it better not to speak such thoughts into the world. Or, perhaps he was organizing them each, stuffing them away into all the right compartments, categorizing them as they ought to be in the grand library of his mind. He thought and he thought, pursing his lips and unfurling them all the same, repeatedly, and his grounding stare had drawn away, glancing every which way.

And V had felt a terrible weight begin to settle and grow in his chest, a painful knowledge taking root in his very soul where Garrett had so happily lived… He saw him in the ocean of blackness that succeeded the passage of life, and he watched him crumple and die over and over again in the vast wreckage of Hell’s furious bid for power and the unstoppable war that precluded it. He hadn’t minded so much that he’d died himself in his own effort to survive, but couldn’t bear to suffer the truth of his mate’s despair and the trembling gasps of his final breaths, couldn’t stand the thought of him blaming himself for the cause and effect of a vicious, violent power struggle between the powers that be and all those who were lost in its sway. It need not be true for it to be a horror beyond his comprehension, and he’d have liked to believe he would’ve done anything to ease Garrett’s suffering in any life, any context - but, here, he could not, in the unconscious vagaries of his wakeful nightmares and sinister machinations of of his rotten mind. He had died epochs and eras before Garrett had finally shed himself of his purpose, deluding himself into heartfully believing he’d failed in his quest to find him and all the other members of their family. He was too good, a foolish man not unlike a golden retriever at heart, and no matter who or where he was, he would force himself to persevere at every cost to himself.

How he loved the devil so. How it burned within him. So much so that it dragged him out of bed and inspired only the desperate hunt for his mate.

“V?” Garrett pressed, snapping the warlock out of his thoughts.

“It’s-It’s nothing,” he insisted, but the wolfish demon saw through him and pressed some more, his stare unwavering. He relented, sheepishly. “I…thought I’d lost you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You might think it silly–”

“No, never,” Garrett said encouragingly, brushing their noses together, but it was far from it. He could still hear the rasping ache in his wordless voice as he collapsed into murk and blood, flashes of a bitter, acrid memory poisoning the addled mind. “Tell me what’s wrong; Let me help you, swee’heart.”

“It’s just– Oh, darling, I had an awful nightmare of you... at the beginning and end of all things.”

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ontowanderlust · 2 years

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SYPNOSIS. What do you do when you couldn't find the right words to say? You express yourself through different means, of course. But what about years worth of things left unsaid? Well then, what better way to do so than express it through a mixtape, right?

PROMPT. Prompt #23 [The Way You Said "I Love You"]: Through a song

TROPES. S2F2L; Idiots in love; Slow Burn; Two timelines; Non-linear storylines

WC. 19k words. (Longest fic of mine as of the late. Yes, I am so happy and satisfied. 😌)

WARNINGS. Unedited; Grammatical errors; This fic is written in tagalog so most of the story won't make sense to some; Slow burn. You know what that means, folks. [angst. lots of it.]

NOTES. I had been contemplating whether to post it here or in wordpress but since I've gotten too used to tumblr's features, I chose to post it here under this account. Forgive me as it's been a while since I last used this style of writing [I call this one: my wattpad-ish style] so if you see any inconsistencies in grammar or if it's a bit clumsier, you know why. This fic is also a commissioned piece- some parts are written in tagalog so please bear with me, non-filo tumblr users.

DEDICATION. There is beauty in stories. It’s where you can escape when reality hits too hard. And while people may not know it but sometimes, all we ever need are just little opportunities for an escape. Just for a little bit. And so this is for you, dearest. Belated happy birthday. Hope it's worth the wait.

She must've been really tired than what she had expected because for some reason, the counter that separates the living room and kitchen had been void of clutter.

Why, earlier this morning, she couldn't even take a glimpse of the marble top of that same counter since she and her roommate just loved dumping all of their stuff there. So we could see our stuff easier, Rianne had reasoned out. Oh the irony.

So why is she looking at a clutter free counter?

Taking a step forward, her eyes narrowed as she found a single parcel lying on the counter with her name written on it.

Was Rianne trying to prank her again? Hasn’t she learn her lesson last month?

Before she could even spiral down her thoughts, the phone in her hand buzzed with a message from the devil herself.

What the hell.

Furrowing her eyebrows, she reached over the post it note stuck on the parcel, confusion written all over her face.

You know how I'm shit at expressing my thoughts so I figured, if I can't tell you directly, what better way than to tell you the best way I know how, right?

Kinda old school, but here's a mixtape of some of the music I found myself listening into these past few months. I hope they convey what this heart of mine can't.

So. Will you listen?

Despite the nondisclosure of the sender's identity, the neat handwriting had given it away. Scoffing to herself, she swiped the parcel from the counter, pushing all rampaging emotions deep down.

The nerve of this guy to send cryptic parcels and vague post its when he hadn't even bothered staying in contact after graduation. Ano, wala lang sa kanya yung pinagsamahan nila? Ah so that's how it is, huh?

Come to think of it, it's quite weird that Rianne seemed to know a thing about this package even if her message says otherwise. Was she still in speaking terms with Cj? Not to be that person but she would've thought Rianne would be the last person Cj would get in contact with. After all, it wasn't a secret that the two had acted civilly just for her sake.

So- since when are they close enough that Rianne would willingly let her roommate borrow one of her prized possessions? Was there something she missed?

Traipsing her way to her roommate's room, she ignored the way her stomach would flutter as she searched for Rianne's vintage speaker- the one gifted to her by her boyfriend- which is kinda odd that she would let her borrow it considering all the times she tried telling her friend multiple times that owning a vintage item would be the start of every horror films.

Ah but then again, this is Rianne and if her friend's in need, she would still let them borrow her stuff- despite the slander she had spoken against that speaker.

Heaving out a small sigh, she gingerly took the speaker before going to her room, unwrapping the parcel only to find a single cassette.

Well. Only one way to find out then.

-=-

Now Playing: Atin ang Mundo 0:46 ─ㅇ─────── 4:13

Paglingon ikaw agad ang nakita, di maiiwasan na ikaw ay titigan.

He noticed her first.

Oh how he noticed her in a room full of people whose attention had either been towards one of his friends who had been cracking jokes in his abnormally (affectionate) loud voice or the group of people arguing about the latest gossip just in front of them.

She always chose the second row, right wing of the room, aisle seat which baffled him at first because- who would want to sit in the professor's line of sight where the probability of getting called during recitations were at high rate- only to understand where her sentiments lie when he realized just how soft spoken this professor was. Should he switch seats as well? It’s not like he’s learning anyway, right?

That, and he had learned from someone that she had poor eyesight, something he inwardly winced at. This professor of theirs is not only soft spoken that he suspected only dogs could hear that decibel level but they also wrote in miniscule lettering. Nagtitipid ba ‘to ng space or what?

Despite their professors obvious flaws, it’s not worth exchanging seats, nope.

Actually, he'd prefer if he is seated two rows behind her just... because. That could mean a lot of reason, right? Not just the fact that his interest on her grew each passing day, nope. Maybe it could mean that he just doesn't want to answer the professor's questions or maybe it could mean that he wanted to play mobile games discreetly.

See, there could be a lot of reasons he could make up on why he always always chose to sit on the fifth row, left wing of the room, second chair to the aisle and no, it's not because he had been staring at the girl with ridiculously huge glasses that it framed half of her face, weird hair style that could use just a little bit of brushing or iron- whichever she prefers, no judgment there- and a permanent glare that often sends people running to the opposite side of the room or- from what he had heard, gives them the ominous chill (trademarked) that often gets associated with psychopaths.

Truthfully, the moment he had set foot in this department, there had already been rumors circulating around and more often than not, it sounds terrible and paints her a not so good image.

But if she were terrible, he mused, his head unconsciously tilting. Then shouldn't she be shunned instead? From what he could tell, she had at least three friends by her side. And from what he had gathered, two of those friends of hers happen to have good reputation for themselves, in terms of academics that is. Though, it’s not like she’s a problematic student when it comes to academics, that he could see. But perhaps, her reputation as someone unapproachable painted her in a bad light.

So which among her rumors are true then? Oh how he wis-

Before he could even spiral down his thoughts, he could feel a sharp jab to his side making him glare at the person beside him who had this annoying knowing look on his face.

"Baka matunaw," his friend gently warned, chuckling at the automatic eye roll he had earned from him. "Seriously, CJ, you're wasting your time with that fleeting interest of yours." he continued, knowing what- or rather, who's consuming his thoughts.

Cj hummed, a small smile slowly creeping across his mouth albeit the annoyed expression he is currently sporting. "Who said anything about fleeting interest?"

His friend's amused expression quickly morphed into bemusement, exasperation seeping through his eyes. "I'm telling you this now, nothing good will come if you associate yourself with her. I'm trying to save you from becoming the object of her piercing glare."

"She's not Medusa, you know."

"She might as well be,"

Scoffing, he jerked his head slightly towards the girl who had been sitting beside their subject who is now being engaged into a small talk.

"See, hindi naman nagiging bato si ate girl na kausap niya." he argued, earning a small groan from his friend. "Makes me wonder... do you think I won't turn into stone if it were me to talk to her?"

His friend stared at him for a bit, shoulders shrugging in defeat as he heaved out a sigh. Sometimes, he just couldn’t understand what goes in his friend’s mind. "You're going to talk to her nevertheless, aren't you?"

Grinning, he let out a small chuckle. "Better yet, I'm gonna befriend her."

-=-

"The first time I saw you," she jumped at the suddenness of his voice as she stared at Rianne's speaker, wondering if it was one of those possessed shit they usually see in horror movies. (How many times had she been telling her roommate that owning shit like this would most likely result to haunting? Or worse, possession?)

"You were an urban legend. People don't like you because of your piercing gaze. Kala nga nila nun you were the embodiment of Medusa."

The fucker had the audacity to laugh. What the fuck. If it weren't for the fact that she didn't know where he lived, she would've choked him to death. She could only imagine his amused look as he record this shitty of a commentary.

"My friends told me not to get involved. They told me I'm wasting my time. And siguro, at the time I do like challenges or maybe it's because I'm bored but I told them I'm gonna befriend you."

"You, out of all the people enrolled in Doc Hina's class."

-=-

Now Playing: Fine Time 0:13──ㅇ─────3:02

I hope we could spend more time together, a few hours is better than never. If we could only make it longer, a whole day would be fine.

"Nandito ka na naman?" oh if looks could only kill, he would've been six feet under by now.

They really weren't kidding about how her glare could pierce even the sturdiest material known to man, huh? But of course, what an exaggeration it was for how can he still be alive with all the glares she had thrown his way?

Or baka masamang damo lang talaga ako, he mused as he gave her his most charming grin (try: annoying shit eating grin that could most likely earn him a punch or two) as he sat down next to her, waving to their silent audience of one (the same girl who he learned was a dear friend of Monique) who looked all too amused with what was going on.

"Didn't I say I was gonna see you again soon?" he asked in response to her question albeit her rude tone. "And besides, I did say that I wanted to be your friend and friends hang out so..." he purposely dragged his words as he gestured to the review materials he had oh so graciously placed on their table.

Looking at her, his expression morphed into an all too pleading one. "...let me review with you?"

"No." not even missing a beat, she gave him her most deadpanned look as she went back to reading while at his peripheral view, Rianne's mouth pressed into thin line, obviously hiding her amusement at the on-going conversation.

Normally, this is where people usually give up, retreating with their tails tucked in between their legs but not him. If anything, this had just spurred him to do better.

And do better, he shall.

"Ah but as you can see," he purposely let out a small sigh, earning a raised eyebrow from the girl across them while Monique simply ignored him. "All of the tables are occupied and yours is the only one that could accommodate one more person."

"So?"

"I'm saying wouldn't it be better for you guys to share this table since you still have space and all?"

"Both of us are claustrophobic. Adding one more person to this table is an invasion of our personal bubble."

A small snicker in front had her jerking her knee to kick her friend on her shin, causing the table to jerk slightly.

Staring at the unbothered girl, he decided to lean forward, catching her attention as she looked up at him partly surprised and partly annoyed. "Didn't you just hear what I said? What part of it did you not understand?"

"The part where you said you were both claustrophobic. Why, if I recall correctly, don’t you two hug on a regular basis as a form of greeting? So, hindi ba ‘invasion of personal bubble’ yung ginagawa niyo?" he asked, making her eyes widen. For a second there, he swore he had seen one of her eyes twitched at his remark but maybe that was just a trick of the light?

Gotcha.

Her jaw dropped as her eyes squinted in suspicion. "Were you watching us? Are you a fucking creep?"

"I was merely pointing out my observation. Besides, creepy na ba agad kung lagi niyong ginagawa yun sa public space?" he countered as he leaned back, mouth curling into a smug smile when he saw her falter with her words.

"Yes it's creepy," she fired back, her reading materials now abandoned in favor of him. "No one would willingly watch random people go about with their daily activities. Especially not with us."

"Why's that?" he hummed as he placed his elbow on top of the table, cheek resting on his palm. "Look, I just want to sit with you guys, is that too much of a bother?"

"Yes. Kanina ka pa sagabal, actually. Learn to take a hint, will you?" waving her hands in a shooing motion, she then gave him a scathing look. "So please lang, pwede bang lumayas ka na? We're not comfortable with having a stranger sit with us."

"Why didn't you say so? "Yun lang naman pala eh." Brightening, he managed to find his opening as his hand straight up took hers, vigorously shaking it. "The name's Christian pero hindi ako mabait eh so just call me Cj."

Oh how he wished he had his camera with him. With the stunned look on her face, he could only imagine her thoughts are filled with nothing but curses and questions about his sanity and audacity. He had a feeling that he had been pushing his luck since the beginning but what he had just done would be the reason for his demise.

Lord, baka naman gusto mo akong tulungan dito. Kakapakilala ko lang sa kanya masyadong maaga pa kung kukunin niyo na ako after nito.

Just before she could even open her mouth- probably to shout at him (or kill him, whichever comes first), her friend had beaten her to it.

"Well, well..." they both turn their heads towards their audience, her eyes twinkling in delight as her eyes shifted her gaze from their faces towards their interlocked hands, her mouth curling into an amused smile. "Mukhang nakahanap ka na ng katapat mo, Monique." she commented, sending her a knowing look before nodding at him in acknowledgment as she went back to her studies.

He could feel the hostility from his side softening as he turned his attention back to her only to see her snatch her hand from his as she grumbled underneath her breath.

"This means nothing, Christian na hindi mabait. You're still a stranger to us."

Letting out a small sigh of relief, he could feel himself relaxing as he discreetly looked up with shit eating grin plastered on his face. She's saying that now but wait till he charms her! Oh but first things first...

The best ka talaga, Lord!

-=-

"So ayun, I was on a mission to be your friend. Kaso langya naman Monique, you make it so hard to approach you!" she couldn't help the small giggles escaping before her hand slapped over her mouth in an attempt to control it. "Sana masaya ka at nagmukha akong desperado nung mga panahong gusto ko lang naman makitable sa inyo."

"Ang hirap grabe. Though, I guess it could be karma because- well, the intention sprouted from boredom but then, when you finally talked to me? Shet, kaya mo akong sabayan. And I couldn't help but think, the best nga talaga si Lord for giving me persistence otherwise, I wouldn't have known what an awesome person you are."

-=-

Now Playing: Asan ka na ba? 0:23 ──ㅇ─────── 3:55

Nasa'n ka na ba, maghihintay nga ba? Para 'kong tangang nalulungkot sa wala

"Ay wow, it looks like the elusive prince charming had finally graced us his presence," one of his friends bellowed as the rest hollered while the others laughed boisterously, making him raise his eyebrows at their antics. "Quick, somebody give him a drink before he change his mind!"

"Or worse, might bail on us cause his girlfriend came calling!"

Another round of laughter ensued as they continue enumerating possible causes why he couldn't be with them.

"Mamaya niyan di pala kasi alam ng jowa niya na andito siya!" Taking a seat next to his friend, he smacked the back of his head, rolling his eyes as he shot a glare towards him. "The fuck you're going on about, Rob? Hinay hinay lang sa kakainom, pwede ba? Kakarating ko lang at ayokong umalis nang maaga."

"Oh dear lord, there's two of them!" someone in the background laughed at Rob's statement, making him frown. Was there an inside joke that he failed to understand? "Totoo pala yung nakukuha mo yung mannerisms ng jowa pag palagi kayong magkasama no?"

Staring at his inebriated friend, he gave him a lopsided grin as he slung his arms over his shoulder, offering him a glass to which Cj downed in seconds.

With the company he's with? He'd definitely needed more than just a glass of beer. "Speak clearly, Rob. What's with you guys and this girlfriend nonsense? Ano, nag materialize bigla jowa ko out of nowhere?"

Letting out a small tsk, Rob looked at him as if he was deciding if he was joking or not. "You're still sober," he mused, flagging a passing waiter for another round of drinks. "Di mo ba pansin na you kept ditching us to hang out with that little girlfriend of yours? Sana pinapakilala samin no? Whatever happened to us being your ride or die? Grabe, nagkagirlfriend lang and suddenly you have no time for us, shame."

Scoffing, he shrugged off his arm from his shoulder, reaching over for another glass, flipping the drunken man the finger. "One, sinong may sabing girlfriend ko siya? Di ba pwedeng maging friends ang opposite sex? Two, that one time I hadn't been able to come, ditching na agad yun? And three, di ba pwedeng busy lang?"

"Busy pursuing that medusa girl!" someone from their circle piqued to which he easily shot a glare at, making her cackle before shrinking to her seat.

"Oh god there's really two of them!"

"Are you sure sa mga desisyones mo sa buhay, Christian?!"

"Can you guys stop with the medusa jokes already? I swear, para kayong mga bata- just because there had been rumors surrounding the person, does it make it alright for you to call her names?" his voice had started to raise but with the chuckles emerging from different sides of the room, he couldn't press down the annoyance bubbling within him.

"So would you rather us call her your girl instead?"

"Mukhang ganun na nga, he hadn't been correcting us ever since we started the girlfriend jokes!"

"Ah so should we refer to her as The girlfriend, ganern?"

"The chosen one!"

"Guys, ano ba?" he bit off, gritting his teeth as the rest of them kept on hollering. "Enough already."

"Wait, wait! I think I have one more- ang nagpatibok sa tigang puso ni Christian!"

"That's a fucking mouthful! What if-"

"Enough!" he bellowed, the noise surrounding the group slowly faded as he looked at them in the eye. "My god, tama na pwede ba? You guys are adults so fucking act like one."

The silence was too deafening as all eyes of the room fell on him. Can he blame them? It was a bit out of character for him to be pissed over something he could've laughed off.

Why was he pissed anyway? There's nothing wrong with what they were saying, he could've denied everything they were playfully accusing him.

"You're awfully too easy to rile this evening, Ceej," James’ voice cut the tension down as he turned to meet his gaze. "Katuwaan lang 'to, we're not trying to imply something. Unless..."

"Unless nothing," he cut him off harshly to which the other man shrugged off before turning back to his companion as the buzzing noise slowly returned until they all went back to their respective conversations as if what had transpired did not happen at all.

"Aight," Rob's voice is surprisingly calm coming from someone who had been too close to being inebriated few minutes ago. "What was that all about?"

He knew that outburst would pique his friend's curiosity and knowing Rob, drunk or not, he wouldn't just let it go without getting the answers he wanted.

"Nothing," even so, it couldn't hurt to try and deflect the man from getting the answers he wanted but seeing the disbelieving look on his face, Cj rolled his eyes before swiping another drink to drown himself into. Can't he get drunk any faster? "Look, it just doesn't feel right to hear that the person I've befriended's being called different names. And I wouldn't want any misunderstanding that may evolve into rumors, okay?"

He didn't know what's more unsettling, the stares or the prolonged silence, and so groaning, he turned to meet his gaze. "What?"

Humming, his friend had the audacity to smirk before reaching for another glass- looks like them leaving earlier than expected is inevitable after all. "You're playing a dangerous game, Ceej. Especially since you're unaware of it."

Their staring game seemed to reach for an impasse as Cj took the glass out of his reach, prompting him to stand up. "You've had your fill now," he announced, pushing the man to stand up. "Tara na bago pa tayo palayasin dito."

Shaking his head, the inebriated man let out a small satisfied hum. "Are you sure you can see it through?" he slurred, making Cj freeze.

"What the fuck are you going on about now?"

"Hmm... I wonder."

If only this bar prohibited fist fights, he would've punched him already. Well, he still can- it's just that, he had already caused one awkward situation, it would be embarrassing to start another one.

"Robert, I swear-"

"Just... be careful, dude." Rob cut him off, slinging his arms once more over his shoulder as Cj began walking beside him. "As much as I wanted to see you humiliate yourself on a daily basis, I'd rather you not get hurt."

-=-

"My friends weren't exactly the perceptive type. Well, not like Rianne," by the time his voice came around, she had gotten a bit comfortable, chin tucked over a pillow she had been hugging as she listened. "So imagine mo, they had been teasing me ever since I began spending my time with you. You know the drill- they think I had hots over you cause I've been putting too much effort in being your friend."

"I think I even caused a scene because I've been vehemently denying all their teasing kasi hindi ba pwedeng maging magkaibigan ang magkaibang kasarian? My god." hearing the exasperated tone from him had her fighting off a smile before dropping it completely. How was it that he keeps having that effect on her? "But you know what, Monique? They were on to something," he let out a small shuddering sigh.

"And that scared me."

-=-

Now Playing: Upuan

1:38 ───ㅇ───── 4:32

Isang tingin mo lang hanggang dun na lang ako.

Minsan, nakakabadtrip din ang pagiging isang overthinker.

Isipin mo yun, he rarely uses his brain for the things that required critical thinking like say, school works, perhaps? Tas bigla bigla na lang sasabay ang pagooverthink mo sa mga bagay na di naman dapat pagtuunan ng pansin like say, feelings.

So yes, nakakabadtrip ang pagiging overthinker. And he is definitely not amused.

And yet, here he was, lying eagle spread just at the corner of the campus' quad, staring blankly at the clear skies, head empty except for thoughts about certain... things.

Well, to be more precise, a certain person.

Were his thoughts useless? Never. Thinking about his friends had never been useless, not to him anyway. It's just that, when feelings are involved then that perhaps is where things get useless.

Emotions, he came to realize, are trivial thing. You either feel, or you don't. And the last time he checked, emotions aren't tied with friends- not the emotions that would give you reason to overthink, anyway.

Friends... are there during happy moments, and they are also there whenever you needed someone to lean on during your lowest.

At least, that's how he see it.

So. What's up with these stray thoughts, then?

Thoughts wherein he'd suddenly have this urge to pull her close, to reach for her even when she's just a few steps away. Maybe these urges flare up when she's just... right there.

And maybe, he'd always acted upon these urges whenever he had the chance, always justifying it by saying it's crowded at the hallways or if the situation calls for it, in the pretext that he was just looking out for her safety whenever they were walking just along the sidewalk.

Sometimes, his straying thoughts weren't always about subtle touches. Sometimes, it's about how their gazes lingered more than necessary during these past few days- perhaps even more than how she looked at that up and coming professor.

And if his brain is feeling too productive, his thoughts might even waddle over the fact that she had finally started to open up to him, filling him with blooming hope that all his efforts had finally started to come to fruition- something he couldn't understand himself.

See? Useless, useless things.

Ah, he should be preparing for his next class. Hell, he should be worrying about the difficulty of the exam he hadn't bothered studying for. ("Bakit mo ba lolokohin sarili mo, hmm?" a little voice at the back of his head whispered.)

And yet, here he was. Consumed by nothing but these conflicting emotions that he could only feel whenever she's-

"Huy! Christian! What the fuck are you doing just lying there?" Startled, he found his view being blocked by Monique, the expression on her face looked like a mix of weirded out and flat out concerned for his sanity. "Di naman sa nangaano, ha? Pero mukha kang mas tanga than usual."

He didn't think that such combination of expressions exist and most importantly, he didn't think she'd be able to pull it off- ah, Jesus Christ. What on earth has been happening to him?

"I'm resting, can't you see?" he found himself answering as his free hand patted the space next to him, earning a bemused expression from her.

"You do realize we have class in like, five minutes, right?" chuckling, she began nudging him with her foot, making him reach out to her free hand, pulling her next to him.

Her landing just right to his chest, an oof escaping her lips had his mind screaming how bad of an idea it was to pull her in without thinking the consequences.

Is it just him or is it becoming hotter than usual?

"Why bother showing up for an exam when you know you're gonna fail anyway?" he mumbled, clearing his throat. Is he coming off with a flu? Right in the middle of summer season?

Laughing, she shoved him off as she stood up, offering her hand for him to take. "Uh-huh, wag mo akong idamay sa mga kalokohan mo, pwede ba?"

Looking up, he couldn't help his breath hitching just as his eyes met hers, the light surrounding her had gone seemingly brighter, the chatter around them becoming nothing but pleasant white noise.

Ah, shit.

-=-

"Alam ko naman na may pag ka-goldfish ang memory mo so I wouldn't bother asking you to remember but there was a time- out of all our campus' quad shenanigans- when you found me lying on the grass and you said- and I quote, 'mas mukha kang tanga than usual'," his voice came out light and airy as if he was trying to be nonchalant about it but something within her tells her that he's been all too consumed by the memory.

'You're wrong', she'd want to interrupt him before he could even feel melancholic about the memory. 'I remember that time all too well.'

"Ang di mo alam, I was too far up in my headspace that time. Too busy overthinking things and you know that nothing good comes with overthinking, di ba? But there I was 'nagmumukhang mas tanga than usual' because I've been too busy thinking of our dynamics." furrowing her eyebrows, she looked over Rianne's speaker with an unreadable expression on her face, willing for the sentient object to sprout out answers.

What did he mean by that?

"And then bigla ka na lang umeksena as usual." aaand he is back with his playful tone. Goodness, Cj. Couldn't you be straightforward just for once? "Okay na sana eh kaso panira ka talaga, Monique! But... y'know, Ben and Ben were right- isang tingin mo lang, hanggang dun na lang ako."

-=-

Now Playing: Ikaw Lamang

0:10 ─ㅇ───────── 5:26

'di ko maintindihan ang nilalaman ng puso, tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay. Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama, hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka.

"So nasaan ang anino mo ngayon? Mahina ba ang sinag ng araw?" the suddenness of Rianne's voice had him freezing in his tracks, eyes widening as he looked up only to sigh in relief when he saw the two girls seated a table away from the bookshelf beside him.

"The fuck you're talking about, di ba ayaw mong naarawan ka?"

Maybe it had been a few days since he last interacted with them for how could a simple statement from the girl he had been unconsciously hiding from had his heart beating wildly against his chest?

God, how could her voice affect him that much? Granted, it was simply her usual fuck off tone.

"I swear, I'm surrounded by idiots," he could hear the rolling of Rianne's eyes as she muttered, the sound of rhythmic tapping can be heard between the two friends as silence followed, the shift in the air had became a little bit palpable. "Did something happen between the two of you kasi for some unknown reason, ang lawak ng table and I've already took out all of my reviewers, plus my laptop."

Stifling a laugh, despite Rianne's complaints of how he took up the space when he began joining them at their table, she still let him have the space next to Monique whenever he's around.

"Not that I'm complaining," her voice brought him out of his musings. "But for some reason, ah how do I say this? Parang you looked as if may kulang sa’yo? If that ever make sense."

His head perked up. He wasn't the type to eavesdrop on others' conversation, this he swore. In fact, those two girls loved rumors more than he did. It's just that, when it comes to Monique, he just couldn't help but stop and listen.

There's always something about her that had him stopping in whatever he's doing and just listen... whether the rumor be bad or not. He liked to think he always wanted to see for himself if they were true or not.

Making himself comfortable by slumping against the bookshelf he had so graciously hid himself from them, he waited for Monique's inevitable scoff, all too aware he had pissed her off with how she tried to brush off her friend's prying earlier.

Hearing a scoff, he let out a small grin as if celebrating a small victory. Whoop, there it is.

"The hell? Tignan mo nga, sinisiksik mo na ako sa dulo oh. Paano mo nasabi na may kulang pa?" Ah, these two. It will always be live entertainment so long as he hang out with them, won't it?

Shuffling could be heard at the other side, making him wonder if they had engaged in a playful fight that had him wishing he's in Rianne's position instead of sitting against the cold floor.

"So, ano nga?" he heard Rianne probed after rounds of shuffling and giggling had subsided between the two of them. "Where's that giant of a shadow-"

"Ewan ko, okay?" Monique snapped, earning a sudden bout of silence between the two of them. He didn't need to be there to see the suddenness had startled Rianne as it did to him. "Sabihin mo nga sakin, may ginawa ba akong masama sa kanya or anything for that matter or something na nakakaoffend na bigla na lang siya mang-g-ghost? May nang-g-ghost ba na kaibigan? Ha?"

Just as she had uttered the last line, collective 'shhs' can be heard throughout the area, making her huff in annoyance as he could imagine her shrinking to her seat while her friend gave her an amused look.

Oh how he wanted to see it all. How tempting it must be to give himself away if it weren't for his curiosity getting the best of him.

"Well, well..." he could feel his heart dropping as he heard Rianne perk up, immediately sensing that whatever it is that is about to leave the girl's lips would not help his case. "'Ghost' isn't a term I would use. Try mo 'drop'. As in din-rop ka niya as a friend."

For the first time in his twenty something years, the urge to commit murder had never felt so strong.

"Ikaw ba ay nangiirita or nagc-comfort?"

"...both? I think both. Okay, wait. Seryoso na." the fucker had the audacity to laugh. Which method of murder best suit her? "Again, my statement stands. You guys are both idiots." The sound of Monique's muted protest tells him the fucker had flicked his friend's forehead.

"Rianne, isa." Monique warned, earning a tsk from her. "Can’t you just go and I dunno, fuck off for a few minutes or so?”

“Sure. But answer me this first, bakit affected ka?” she asked immediately before Monique could even put another word in. “You, who gave no flying fuck towards other people has become suddenly affected by a single dude who just upped and left… or so you say.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, he craned his neck onto the bookshelf as silence engulfed the two. Despite his murderous intent towards Monique’s friend, he had to admit that this girl is scarily perceptive of the people around her. She could be really dangerous when she put her mind to it, making people face the things they hide from.

As the silence dragged on, he heard a sigh from the other side, making him perk up as he anticipated for his friend’s answer.

He had to know if she could sense that something is indeed brewing between them- those lingering stares, the accidental brushes, the prolonged skin contact, and the comfortable silence in between.

He had to know, did they mean anything to her? Did they even mean something or had he been just imagining it?

Was it a wishful thinking? Or was it all just lost in the translation?

It wasn’t as if he intentionally put his distance between him and her. It’s just that… for the past few weeks, there’s always a cloud of confusion looming above him as he found himself hanging out more and more with her.

And in his typical way of understanding the situation, he had to step back and try and see the bigger picture but in doing so, he may have unintentionally… ghosted her, as she said. But was it wrong? Had he been wrong in choosing himself? Choosing to understand what has been happening to him?

Never had he been the type to be mindful of people. Not that he cared about their opinions but with her, it’s different.

Hence, the urge to eavesdrop had never been so strong.

“I’m not.” Never had he heard Monique use a somber tone before and for some unknown reason, it made him nervous. Had something happened when he was lost in his thoughts?

Had Rianne took it too far this time? Does Monique need him to save her from her own friend?

“I’m not affected, Rianne.” He heard her repeat her words, this time with conviction- as if she’s pleading for someone to believe her. “I don’t give a flying fuck to anyone and that won’t change, even if it’s him.”

Ah. He should’ve expected this. He should’ve known better.

Was it just him or had the silence between had gotten a bit heavier? Was this a sign to come clean and come out of his hiding place, facing the wrath of not one, but two crazies? Or was this his cue to leave with his dignity intact? What dignity? he scoffed inwardly.

“I see,” before he could even decide his next course of action, Rianne had once again filled the silence between them. Was he reading too much or had he picked up the disappointment from her voice? “So be it then.”

Ah. For some reason, everything hurts.

Clutching his chest, he let out a muted laugh as he bowed his head.

So be it then.

-=-

"Confession time," for some unknown reason, his voice was breathless and-Jesus Christ, why does it affect her so much that she had to pause the godforsaken music player as she took a minute to compose herself.

The air conditioning unit is functioning well, right? So how come she could still feel the heat creeping through her face as she clutched her chest, willing for her heart to stay still.

'My goodness, Monique. Pwede bang huminahon ka kahit saglit?' She silently berated herself. 'Ano na naman ang naiisip mo, ha?'

Pressing play, the next words that came out of the speakers had her sobering. "Sometimes, I accidentally find myself wandering into the middle of your and Rianne's conversations." he what now? "At nang dahil sa inyong dalawa, natuto akong makinig sa mga usapan na di naman dapat pinapakinggan."

That little shit! Panic bloomed into her chest. Just how many conversations did he stumble upon? Did he stumble upon all of them??

"Yung pinaka tumatak sakin was the one where you told Rianne that I 'friend ghosted' you." oh god. "And I think an apology was overdue, don't you think? Monique, I didn't mean to. Please believe me, it wasn't my intention."

"But for the sake of my sanity, I had to." he let out a small bitter chuckle. "I had to step back so I could listen to what my heart was whispering about."

-=-

Now Playing: Lihim

1:04 ───ㅇ─────── 3:56 'Di mo ba nakikita sa isip mo'y ibang-iba, damdamin ko'y 'di madama

Did he miss something?

Knowing Monique, he knew just how petty she can be whenever she wanted to but this… this is a new type of pettiness that even he was not expecting for her to do.

Of all the things she could've done, he was definitely not expecting to see a cardboard cut-out of a random Korean dude occupying the large space he had claimed for himself at their table.

Looking across the cardboard cut-out, he met Rianne's amused stare, biting her upper lip to avoid laughing boisterously all the while her gaze shifted towards the unbothered girl sitting beside the cardboard cut-out.

"Mawalang galang na ho," he started, earning a scoff from Monique making him frown. Yep, she's still pissed. "Pero parang meron po yatang naligaw na bantay ng mall dito or sadyang nakaw to?" he couldn't help the helpless tone coming out of him that he had to look at Rianne for enforcement, the girl cringing as she shook her head as if she couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, bowing her head in the process as her shoulder shook in silent laughter.

Gee, thanks a lot, Rianne. Ano pa bang silbi mo dito? Really. He would've dissed the girl more if it weren't for Monique's sharp turn of head, her eyes wide in offense, mouth curling into one of her deadliest sneers, nostrils flaring with undisputed anger.

The fuck did he do now?

"Excuse me?" she drawled out, her tone lowering as chills began to creep into the back of his neck. "Bantay ng mall? Nakaw?" she repeated his words, genuinely affronted all the while their audience of one is shaking uncontrollably and yet, they paid her no attention to.

"…hindi ba?" oh how he hated her effect on him. Asan na ngayon ang tapang mo, Cj? How was it that the mere slight of change of her tone had him cowering in fear? Was this the power of guilt? "I mean-"

"Out."

What?

Meeting her steely gaze, she gestured for him to leave and find another table to study on. "Namumuro ka na ah. First, you dare befriend us and then had the audacity to ghost us-"

"-Why am I being dragged into this?" Rianne deadpanned as she composed herself when she saw the fight between them wasn't going to escalate.

"-then you go and diss my man sitting beside me? How dare you? Fuck off. Layas. Humanap ka ng bagong table dahil di ka dito welcomed." Monique finished off, completely ignoring the bewildered look from his face.

"Teka, teka, teka- you mean to say, this guy is my replacement?" he couldn't help raising his tone as he turned from Monique to the dude with wide eyed innocent look, and a hint of small curl of his lips— what, is that supposed to be tantalizing? (seryoso, sinong matinong guard ang magpapapasok ng estudyanteng may dalang ganyan?) and looked back to Monique who looked at him, challengingly.

"Seriously? You replaced me— who, by the way, had some issues that needed resolving that's why I was gone for a while- with some fucking cardboard guy na pwede nang maging bantay ng stall sa mall? How on earth did you even manage to bring that thing inside the campus without anyone questioning your sanity?"

If he was in the right state of mind, he would've known better than to speak his mind about the cut-out but it's been days- weeks, even since he last seen and talked to his friend.

Was it that bad that he'd want to have her attention on him? So excuse his lack of tact, thank you very much and yet, it seemed that Monique has yet to perfect telepathic communication as she just stared at him with that offended look on her face, snarling at him as if he had just declared himself as anti-fan of whoever the fuck is that dude sitting beside her.

"You're dead to me." Monique spat as she huffed, standing up as she gathered her things making his eyes widen as he shot a helpless look to Rianne only for her to gesture her head towards Monique, silently urging him to act fast.

And act fast he did.

Without thinking, his arms reached out towards her, wrapping them both around her arms, effectively caging her and preventing her from leaving them.

"Let me go." she gritted her teeth, squirming from his hold.

Holding her this close, he could feel the warmth emitting from her despite the coldness of the library. He didn't know if it was because it had been weeks since he last saw her but the overwhelming need to snuggle closer to her had never been this strong.

"Never." he breathed out, acting upon instinct as he pulled her closer. Was it just him or did she gotten warmer? If only they could stay like this for even just a little longer then maybe he might be able to-

"Okay ang cringe," Monique suddenly declared, pulling him out of his reverie as she shuddered in his hold. "Jesus Christ, Cj sang lupalop ka ba napunta at bigla kang naging ganyan? Yung totoo, did you ghost us just so you could read your Wattpad stories in peace? Alam mo naman na tanggap ka namin ano man ang hilig mo, right?"

The small protest in the background about being dragged into the middle of this had gone unnoticed as he watched her twist against his hold.

Looking straight in her eyes, he knew for a fact that her anger towards him had slowly melted but just to be safe, he untangled one arm from her, raising it to flick her forehead, earning a small cry from her.

"Guard, may nakawalang baliw na naman po oh." he grinned as he watched her nose scrunched in annoyance, breaking herself free from his hold as she pushed him half-heartedly.

"Guard, may bastos po oh." she fired back, making his jaw drop in mock offense as he pointed to himself to which she nodded at with that playful annoyance displayed on her face.

Oh how he missed their playful banter.

Just as he was about to retort, he watched as her eyes widen in surprise as she ducked her head, turning away from him. What just happened? And was that- did Monique seriously blushed just now?

Before he could even comment on it, he felt the air behind him whoosh, making him turn to see what had caused his friend to act weirdly only for his stomach to drop.

She couldn't possibly, right? There's no way in hell was she acting all shy up when the university's basketball varsity team had just passed by.

Turning back, he could feel the dread rising up when he saw Rianne's amused expression had turned sympathetic towards him.

He could feel the cold seeping through his fingers, not caring as he snatched a chair from the neighboring student's hold, crying out a small protest to which he paid no mind at as he sat down next to Monique, the cardboard cut-out guy had been long forgotten.

"What the hell was that?"

"None of your business. Mag aral ka dyan."

If she thought he was going to drop it, then she didn't know him that well. But she did know him and he knew that she knew he wouldn't just simply drop the topic.

"So sino dun?" he didn't know that he could physiologically feel pain just by saying random things. "Sino sa mga higante ang nagpapatibok sa iyong malamig at patay na puso?"

Sending him a half-hearted glare, she let out an exasperated sigh. "First of all, hindi pa patay ang puso ko. Nakikita mo ba ang bebe Yoseob ko?" she gestured at the cardboard cut-out guy beside her making him roll his eyes. "Two, bakit parang may hinanakit ang tono mo? Hindi lahat ng babae nagkakandarapa sa'yo, we've talked about that already."

Why would I care about their attention when I only wanted yours? He wanted to protest but with the way her eyes twinkled just at the sight of the guy, he just couldn't find the courage to.

"And three, para sa ikakatahimik ng kaluluwa mo, his name is Adam and no, he's just a happy crush. Okay na? Happy?"

Flashing her a sarcastic smile, he dumped his bag on top of the table slightly harder than normal. "Very much so."

-=-

"Sa lahat ng babaeng kilala ko, ikaw yung pinakatopakin, alam mo ba yun?" his tone had gone softer- fonder, dare she even say. And if he were here, she would've probably opened her mouth to retaliate-- no, scratch that, she WILL retaliate. "Opps, wait. Alam kong kating kati ka dyan mangaway, patapusin mo muna ako, pwede? Perfect ka?"

Letting out a small laugh, she couldn't help but press pause as she looked at the speaker with her own fond look flashing across her face.

Ah, Cj. I wonder how you're doing now.

Shaking her head, she let the tape continue where it left, savoring the words that came out of his mouth.

"It's not necessarily a bad thing. Siguro, pahamak lang. Remember the time where you snuck in some cardboard cut-out of some random korean guy sa library just cause you overheard my friends that I'd be coming to share a table with you guys?" Fighting a grin, her eyes shifted towards the exact cardboard cut-out next to her closet. How could she ever forget? "It was so weird that I was torn between throwing that piece of cardboard out of my spot or if I should just find another table to sit on. Pero syempre, support lang tayo sa kaibigan natin gaano pa ka-weirdo sila, di ba?"

'Tangina, matapos lang talaga tong tape na 'to, hahanapin talaga kita,' she vowed silently, ignoring the sudden clenching of her heart as she heard the last part of his comment.

"Being with you is quite the rollercoaster ride, Monique. Isipin mo, sa'yo ko lang naranasan maweirduhan, maging masaya, malungkot at matakot in a span of minutes."

"Is that a bad thing?" she found herself asking in time with his same question, their voices blending in chorus. Her hold on her pillow tightened as she waited in bated breath for his answer.

Humming, he let out a sigh. "I don't think so."

-=-

Now Playing: Di Bale Na Lang

1:12 ───ㅇ─────── 4:42 Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa, 'di bale na lang kaya

Is it just him or did his friend gained attention the past few weeks?

Well. There's nothing really wrong with gaining attention here and there- in fact, he's secretly hoping that the nasty rumors surrounding her would dissipate as time goes on and people get to see how true and great of a person she is.

Heaven knows she's a good person. Despite all the weird and aloof exterior she possess.

So really. He's all for supporting Monique with her newfound popularity. Though the thing is, what ticks him off was the fact that most of the attention she's gaining were of male population.

Yung totoo, Monique, pumunta ka ba ng Quiapo?

"Weren't you the one to say na ayaw mo sa mga exaggerated phrases?" Rianne's voice drifted somewhere behind him, cutting him off from his offhand rants that he didn't knew he was voicing out loud. "Kala mo naman ang dami dami ng competition with the way you're acting. Ano ka, boyfriend?" snickering, she gave him a side eye, making him cringe at how easily she had caught him.

"Oh wait, you haven't even confessed!" and now she's mocking him. Wow. The audacity. "So pray tell, bakit ka nagmumukmok dyan?"

Squinting his eyes, he let out a small groan. "Ano na naman ang pinagsasabi mo dyan?" it was a poor attempt to salvage the damage, that much he knows. And with the look she's giving him, he knew that she knew what he was doing yet, he didn't know why he even held on to the hope that this girl would pity him and let him have his dignity back.

Was it too much to ask for a little empathy? Then again, this was Rianne he was talking to. Her empathy towards him is little to none.

"Asus, patay malisya ka pa dyan when you've already outed yourself," letting a disapproving tsk, she continued despite the roll of eyes they threw at each other. "Like siguro five minutes ago pa. So again, bakit ka nagmumukmok dyan? Do you even have the right?"

"Don't you have an off switch somewhere? You're being extra annoying today." he gritted his teeth, glancing momentarily over her shoulder, narrowing his eyes before turning back to his abandoned laptop, fingers pressing the keyboard harder than necessary. "And di ba pwedeng maging reason kung bakit nagmumukmok yung tao ay dahil iniwan siya ng kausap niya in the middle of the conversation?" he snapped, earning a shake of her head.

Looking at her back, she let out a small scoff. "Dude, you do realize that she's just talking to the professor, right? I don't know what kind of scenario you've conjured in that petty head of yours pero I think-- and this is a crazy idea but hear me out, it's pretty much a violation of several codes of ethics to form a relationship outside of professional setting, especially one of professor to student."

"With Monique? Don't count that idea out." he muttered, earning a snicker from her, silently agreeing with him.

"Well," she drawled, leaning back on her chair, twirling her pen on one hand. "Kinky." she commented, laughing at the disgusted expression on his face. "While that may likely to happen, I don't think Professor's is the type to engage a relationship with a student so I guess that's one less of competition for you, huh? Shame. Was hoping for drama, at least."

"Why are you so adamant with this competition thing? Ano, are you really that bored that you just impose your imagination onto people? Pwede ba tigilan mo yan? That's not healthy."

"Harsh," she commented airily as if his comment hadn't fazed her. "Are you being like this because she cheered the loudest last week at that basketball game? Or perhaps, was it because you're not the sole focus of her attention these past few days?"

"Hah," he let out an exasperated sigh, his eyes flashing her an irritated look that had her mouth curling in a lazy smirk. "Stop psychoanalyzing me, psycho. Gaano ba ako ka-self-centered dyan sa utak mo that you think her shifting her attention to someone else had me in a bad mood?"

Shifting his eyes momentarily, the irritation he felt had somewhat grew just as the professor gestured for the newcomer to join his conversation with his student.

Feeling the shift on the mood, Rianne turned just in time to see the varsity that caught Monique's eyes reaching for her friend's hand, shaking it firmly, the growing smile on her friend's face didn't go unnoticed. "Just admit it, Cj. Mas lalo mo lang sinasaktan sarili mo the more you deny it." she found herself saying. "You're jealous."

"Me? Jealous?" his reply had been instantaneous as if he had been expecting her to say it their entire conversation. Shaking his head, he gave her the most serious look he could muster. "Di kaya."

-=-

"Did you know, may pagkademonyo yang kaibigan mo?" was it just her or did his tone changed into- how should she put it? Para bang nagsusumbong? "Wala siyang preno, Monique! Kung makapagsalita akala mo naman may karapatan siya no? Who does she think she is? My therapist? Please."

Jaw dropping, her eyebrows furrowed as she stared at the speaker with disbelief dancing through her eyes. He is! He really is complaining about Rianne!

She couldn't help the giggles escaping from her lips as she let him rant on. What did Rianne do this time? Not even trying to hide the smile creeping across her face, she sunk onto her bed, humming as she listened on.

"Just because she had my feelings figured out doesn't give her the right to call me out. At the end of the day, whatever I choose to do with my feelings should be my business and mine alone." his tone turned serious that had her frowning.

What? What exactly happened- that had him ranting like this? Did both of her dearest friends fought without her knowing? How come she hadn't heard about this? And why didn't they tell her?

Was she really out of the loop for so long that she had no idea what had been happening between the two people she considered dearest to her?

Is it just her or does it seem like her chest had been dumped with heavy bricks? Having half a mind to reach over for her phone and call her roommate, she was stopped on her tracks with Cj's next words.

"'Wag mo muna siyang tawagan, Monique. She and I didn't fight, if that's what you're thinking-- and I know you, lods. Whatever you're thinking, get rid of it. It was just the usual jab and bickering. It was a passing thought." Just how did he do that?

How is he quick to reassure her when she's far from him? When he couldn't even see her reaction? How does he know what she's going to do when they haven't even talked for a while now?

"Although, don't tell her this but she's right," mumbling the last part, she had to strain her ears to hear him, pausing it for a bit and rewinding the last part in disbelief.

Is the world ending?

"The more I deny, the more I hurt myself, yeah. I learned that the hard way. But as for her accusation?" he let out an exaggerated scoff. "Nope. Di bale na lang, talaga."

-=-

Now Playing: Balang Araw 0:58 ──ㅇ────── 4:52 Baka pwede lang kahit isang saglit, masabi lang na merong konting pagtingin

Head buzzing, ears ringing, the flitting sound of chatters and jazz music had all became nothing but muted as he came bearing to his senses, realizing his body had not been the only one that had slumped over the table helplessly.

What the fuck?

Blinking blearily, he finally became well too aware of the heat radiating from the body next to him, just as helpless and blissfully unaware like him.

Groaning, his face scrunched as he tried to fight the headache that had been pounding its way into his brain as he tried to remember what the fuck had happened because from what he could vaguely recall, it wasn't just Monique who had been with him earlier this night.

Did… their so-called friends left them both alone in this fucking bar?

Did they seriously finally acted upon their threats of leaving their sorry asses be?

Again, what the fuck.

Wasn't it already established never to let the two of them alone when they eventually became too shitfaced of drunks? Who knows what could've happened- slowly jolting awake, the sinking feeling of what could've been had him sobering in an instant, eyes wide as he looked around his surroundings only to relax when the familiar sight of Rianne's kitchen greeted him.

While he appreciated her being considerate enough to offer her home to them, he vowed he'd get her back for scaring the shit out of him, knowing she had deliberately mimicked the ambiance of the bar they had went to just to get a rise out of him probably.

Why did he get drunk anyway?

As if she heard his thoughts, Monique's hand reached over, pulling his arm towards her head, seemingly looking for comfort as she let out what seemed to be satisfied sigh, a serene expression painting her face as she succumbed further into dreamland.

Fighting off a smile, his free hand went over as he brushed the stray hair that had fallen over her face, fingers tracing her cheek as he indulged himself. "Alam mo, ang amo amo ng mukha mo ‘pag tulog ka. Pwede bang ganito ka na lang palagi? You kinda don't look like the gremlin you are during the day." he found himself saying as the reason for their spontaneous happy hour finally came rushing back to him.

Oh. Right.

She had been gushing over the fact that whatshisface had finally noticed her. That her months of pining had actually come to fruition. Hah. As if.

It’s bad enough he had to compete for her attention during one of their classes because of that goddamned professor, now he had to compete for her attention outside of their class too? And to that motherfucking giant of all people? Hah.

And while she had been talking their friends' ears off with the possibilities with her possible beau, he found himself drowning in liver poison, hoping and praying the burning sensation leaving its wake could at least ease the burning feeling he had desperately repressed for so long, ignoring the pitiful stares he had been getting from Rianne.

Everything afterwards became all too blurry and hazy even for his sober self. What had happened after? He knew why he had gotten drunk but what about Monique? Why had she gotten drunk?

Granted, getting your crush to finally notice you after so long is a reason enough to celebrate but if his memory serves him right (90 percent guaranteed), then why in the world had she been all too sulky in the end?

He knew her. He knows her. Probably more than he could ever know himself. And the stages of drunk Monique that came out earlier had not been one of celebratory kind. If anything, it felt like- it felt more like… something he couldn’t put his finger into. Ah, he’s too drunk to over analyze shit.

"Kung madali lang ako mahalin, it wouldn't be as pathetic as it is to celebrate the fact that he had looked my way," he recalled her hiccuping those words albeit drunkenly. Her eyes had been all too wide, glistening with unshed tears that he had forced himself not to reach for.

"It's not pathetic," he found himself saying as his heart skipped, heartstrings being tugged as he found himself helpless. "Madali kayang magmahal. Madali ka namang mahalin eh."

There was a pause between them, too palpable to ignore. And with the way her expression slightly crumble, fumbling with her quivering lips, he knew she was holding back.

What was it? his eyes screamed. How can I make it all better?

"If I am easy to love then how come-" Forcing a smile upon her lips, she had been the first to avert her gaze- just as always.

It had always been like that. Just as he thought he was close to figuring out the enigma Monique is, she goes around and shied away, fleeing as if opening herself is a crime against humanity.

If it had been a different time, he would’ve left it be- after all, he never tried to pry into her life, not like Rianne who they all know is easy to confide into.

But this is different, he justified. She’s hurting because of some asshole. And he didn’t like it. Not one bit.

Does it hurt? Fuck yeah. But that doesn’t mean he had to stop caring for her. Not when she means the world to him.

“If you’re easy to love…?” He prompted, eyes pleading to-just this once- trust in him, confide in him.

He heard her swore, making him hide his glee knowing she could never deny him of anything.

“Madaya ka rin no?” Giving her a small victorious grin, he dared push his luck, nudging her slightly as if to encourage her. "Akala mo naman kung sinong gwapo. May nagsabi na ba sayo na ang sagwa kapag nagpapacute ka?"

Letting out a guffaw, he could feel his insides twist with glee when he saw small hint of smile upon her lips, nudging her forehead with his as he settled for a cheeky smile. "Excuse me, ang swerte mo sayo lang ako nagpapacute. Andaming nagkakarandarapa sa ngiti ko, huy."

Is it just him but for a moment there he saw something flash on her eyes but just as he was about to comment on it, how quickly it faded. Perhaps it was all wishful thinking? Perhaps a moment of weakness, something to hope for? Was it a trick of the light?

"Nako, parang hindi naman," she scoffed and for a moment, she had let the moment between them simmer before turning melancholic. "If I'm easy to love then why can't he?"

"Because he's a fool," he uttered automatically as if it was the answer to the world's most difficult question. "Because he's a fucking blind pole and a fucking idiot. Sabi sayo panget na jowain ang mga basketball players pero nakinig ka ba sakin? Hindi. Sheesh."

"I don't think that's it," she mumbled, shaking her head as if she's dismantling the idea he had planted on her head or perhaps- it looked as if she was disagreeing about something he had said which he inwardly scoffed at. There’s nothing wrong with his statement, right? "Because if it were then…"

Something in him wanted to push her further, to confide in him the way she could with Rianne. Despite his heart going crazy, it felt like he had to know the rest of the sentence. Even if it hurts. But looking at her bittersweet smile and the way her eyes turn glassy with contempt, he knew better than to. And so, with heavy heart, he had to drop their conversation, acting as if nothing hurts.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, he willed himself to forget that piece of memory. He should've forgotten that. Fuck.

Oh but he couldn't. His traitorous heart couldn't let him. Not when it comes to her.

"You're easy to love," he found himself whispering as if he is finally sharing a secret he held close, not really caring the numbing sensation from the arm she had stolen from him nor the fact that the walls probably have ears.

He had, after all, downed in liquid courage tonight and he'd be damned to let it slip.

Threading his fingers over her hair in the barest touch as possible, he dared continue. "You make it too easy to love you, Nic." Letting out a small nervous chuckle, his eyes softened as he stared at her. "Because if you weren't then how come I have been hopelessly and tremendously in love with you all these years?"

-=-

She had been too accustomed for his voice to come through the moment the song ended but for some reason, all she got was silence.

Eyebrows furrowing, she turned her head to check if the tape had finally stopped or heaven forbid, Rianne's vintage speaker had finally gotten possessed. Just as she was about to lean over, his shuddering sigh greeted her ears once more, making her jump in surprise.

"The fuck naman Cj," she muttered, clutching her chest to calm herself. "Pwede bang bigyan mo naman ako ng konting warning dyan?" her tone had been too light, talking as if he was there beside her but when the silence that followed became all too deafening, she couldn't help but feel all too worried.

Which is- silly, thinking about it. This was pre-recorded. Meaning, it's not exactly happening as of the moment. She didn't even know this was being made so why worry?

"Give me a few minutes, will ya?" his voice- muted and soft and if she would strain her ears more, she could've sworn she could hear the shakiness he had tried to suppress.

Was the song that too deep? Granted, she wasn't really much of a fan of the singer, going as far as referring to him as Abu Bukar (no offence, really. She's just bad with names.) but was there a reason- a story behind this particular song?

"Cj, please…" she whispered. "Pakigalaw ang baso, I don't fucking care if bigla na lang maging Conjuring set 'tong apartment namin. Come on, I need to know-- are you okay?"

"I'm fine," turning her head in record speed, she couldn't help the fear spiking through her (did she really jinx it? Is this the start of her horror story?) "I'm fine, Monique. I'm fine."

If she didn't know him any better, she'd say that this is a perfect demonstration of the concept of neuroplasticity: repetition matters but she did know him… maybe just as well as how much he knows her.

Just who are you trying to convince, Cj? Ako lang naman to, di ba?

"I don't really know what to tell you, so can I just sing the song again? Well, wala kang choice. I'll sing it again. Magtiis ka dyan."

Flashing the speaker a small, bitter smile, she couldn't help but close her eyes as the first note hit her ears, relishing the warm baritone voice he had always possessed, ignoring the cartwheels of her heart and the rampaging dinosaurs in her stomach.

Bakit ako magtitiis when all I wanted was to listen to you all day?

-=-

Now Playing: 214

1:33 ────ㅇ────── 4:41 'Cause time may pass, but longer than it'll last I'll be by your side

“Bakit ako?”

It was quiet.

He could hear her voice dropping as if she’s trying to retreat back into her own void, the one she had created solely for her not because she wanted to but because she had to, which is something he hadn’t understood the first few encounters he had with her but as they gradually became close, this was a notion he had learned he hated. It’s like… a piece of him dies every time she does this.

The shift in the air was palpable as the sounds around them had faded into muted noise, his head turning to look at her.

Taking his silence as an invitation to continue, she shifted into a more comfortable position, knees coming to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them.

“Bakit mo ako nilapitan? Bakit mo ako kinausap?” she dared ask and suddenly, the ground seemed more interesting to look at than the incredulous look plastered on his face. “I mean… I’m not one of the typical people you’ve hung out with. I’m not really like your people so… why me?”

He could see her spiraling.

Down… and down to her thoughts, with no way out and with nothing to hold on to. It’s dangerous, he kept warning her. She’d drown herself before she could even notice she had waddled in too deep but that’s okay.

That’s what he’s here for, anyway.

He didn’t know when it happened or how in the fucking world it was even possible but he knew. A self proclaimed self absorbed person like him knew her like a lifeline.

He knew her like the back of his hand. He could see her eyes glazing with heaviness as she slowly entertain the thoughts that lingered at the back of her mind before she could even notice herself, the way her breathing went shallow and how her usual boisterous voice became subdued.

Looking at her now, he couldn’t help the small smile creeping across his lips.

Not to be that person, but he’s fucking grateful he’s the only one who could see her like this.

The only person she trusted completely as she let her guard down.

Ano ka ngayon, Doria?

Ah the sweet sweet scent of victory knowing he had one upped that motherfucking giant of a varsity.

Though despite the sweet satisfaction, he knew he couldn’t let her continue to think of whatever negativity her mind had concocted- not if he wanted her to feel saddened and burdened and so he had to act fast.

Humming to himself, he nudged her slightly, garnering no change from her attention and so he nudged her continuously until she turned to him with slight annoyance painting her face as he grinned at her.

“You done being dramatic? My god, Monique! Drama ah. Nakainom ka na naman?”

“Cj naman! Kala ko ba seryosong usapan tayo dito?” She all but exclaimed, prompting people to stare at them momentarily to which they both ignored. Maybe having a heart to heart conversation like this shouldn’t be done in the campus quadrangle, he mused. But then again, it wasn’t like he was the first to approach the topic anyway.

If anything, he’s blaming Monique and her impeccable timing as usual but he’d rather keep this to himself if he wanted to live another day.

Huffing, she rolled her eyes at him before turning to stand only for him to pull her back down, making her slightly lose her balance as she sat back down next to him, leaving no space between them.

Eyes wide, she could feel the air being sucked away from her as she stared at his eyes- those warm brown eyes blown wide with mischief and mirth dancing upon them, his mouth curling into cheshire grin as if he is offering every solution to her unending questions.

For a moment, it felt like the world around them had stopped just for the two of them. Dare he even say, it felt like time had stopped just for them.

Is this… is this normal?

Before she could even comprehend what was happening, she watched as he ducked his head closer to hers, his forehead coming up to gently nudge hers.

“Silly girl,” is it because of the mood or had his voice dropped a few octaves? “Because you’re interesting. Because I feel like you and I will get along well. Because I saw you and looked only at you.” He listed off, nonchalantly while she could feel the inner turmoil inside her grew despite quelling the first thoughts she had.

Does he… have the same effect he had towards other girls on her? Can she even feel the wild beating of his heart, how it beats because she’s near?

Before she could even think, he could feel her breathing hitch as she listened to his next words.

“And yeah, you’re right about that, Monique- you’re really not one of my people. Not typically anyway.” Having his forehead rest upon hers, eyes closing as if relishing this moment right here, just between the two of them.

As he opened his eyes, he could feel himself getting lost with her glint of hope and… something else. A sentiment he shared with her. Can she feel his utmost sincerity? “You are my person.” He whispered slowly as if he was… asking, pleading for her to understand.

A moment passed.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she found herself relaxing onto his hold as she offered him one of her own sincere smiles before nudging his forehead gently.

“Hay nako Cj, ang drama ah. Ano, nakainom ka na naman?” She grinned as he let out a small annoyed groan, his finger replacing his forehead to gently flick hers, earning an indignant cry from her.

“Aray! What the fuck? Ang bayolente mo talaga no?” she cried, clutching her forehead in pain as she glared at him, to which he rolled his eyes at playfully before standing up, reaching over to pull her up as well. While he may have averted the crisis, he couldn’t help but wish he could’ve done more. And so while it’s not really part of his plan, and he knew his wallet will make him regret it later, he had to resort to other means of cheering her up.

“Bakit ikaw, hindi?” he singsonged, throwing his arm over her shoulders before she could even retaliate, pulling her close to him. “Tara, milktea tayo. Libre ko.”

-=-

"Classic Rivermaya. You gotta admit they do have one of the best songs, yeah?" Listening to his voice now, she couldn't help but reel in her shock at how he's quick to switch moods. If she didn't know any better, she'd say this dude could pass as a woman with the way he jumped from serious to light hearted conversation at a snap of a finger.

But she did know better and she knew this is his way of deflecting. His way of hiding what he truly felt, not wanting to burden people with the brewing storm inside his head.

Just what exactly are you trying to hide, Cj? After all these years, di pa ba sapat yung tiwala mo sakin?

She had to admit, it kinda hurt. They had, after all, been through thick and thin, survived all those hell weeks with little to no sleep only to get just enough passing scores.

Throughout those years, he had been her confidante. Her consistent companion. And yes, she knew if Rianne were to hear these thoughts of hers, she would beg to differ but if she were to be honest, there's just something different between Rianne's and Cj's companionship with her.

"Anyway," Cj's voice filled the air once more. "This song reminds me of that one time sa quad where you were asking me why I chose to befriend you. Ang weird ng timing pero siyempre, on brand na yan sa'yo so di naman na nakakapagtaka," hearing his small laugh should've annoyed her, should've launched her into strings of curses and promises of bodily harm the next time she saw him and yet, she found herself looking at the speaker with concern written all over her face.

Something's wrong, that much she knew and it frustrates her to no end that she couldn't fathom whatever the hell it is.

"Despite the weirdness, alam mo, ang saya ko that time. Not because you were wallowing in self-depreciating thoughts-- grabe Monique, inubos mo pera ko sa milktea, ah- but rather, because you chose to trust me." she could feel her stomach dropping at his next words. Blinking, she held her breath. "At that moment, you chose me… even if it was fleeting."

-=-

Now Playing: Dahan

1:30 ────ㅇ────── 4:57 Dahan dahan mong bitawan puso kong di makalaban

In a hindsight, he should've seen it coming.

He, of all people, should know how a person acts when they are hopelessly smitten- hopelessly in love?- same shit. After all, didn't he do the same to his circle of friends back then? Disappear on them, that is.

Di kaya, he disagreed. Hadn't I just saw them earlier this week? Besides, with the way they were swamped with their own shit, it would be a miracle for them to notice we don't hang out as frequent as before. he justified, leaning against the tree he had always frequented on the quad.

Even then, why didn't he notice the change in her? Or did he perhaps have known all along what was happening right before his eyes but chose to be blind about it?

Or baka naman busy lang siya, he reasoned to himself, heaving out a small sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying his might to keep the headache. pero kahit na, di ba?

When was the last time he saw Monique? When was the last time he had her undivided attention? The last time they shared conversation, or ate a meal together? Weren't they supposed to study together today?

Looking at the sprawled materials before him, he let out a bitter scoff. Certainly, not. he wanted to laugh, a sinking feeling in his gut had started to make itself known.

Out of the two of them, he had to admit-- and he swore it's not that he intentionally did it- but he's the one who had most likely cancelled on them.

Sometimes, it's because his parents were visiting. Sometimes, it's because he had fucked up with the course he had struggling in that he had to make up for it and sometimes, it's because his friends have had enough of him ghosting them that he hadn't had the choice but to go out with them.

All are valid points, he supposed but actually, she was with him during the mentioned reasons so technically, it wasn't exactly cancelled but more of change of plans.

Not that he's saying that Monique hadn't had her fair share of blowing their plans off but during the course of their friendship, she would let him know beforehand if she couldn't make it so as he wouldn't expect her.

Not until now, he thought bitterly, looking up as his gaze wandered off, aimlessly watching other students mind their own businesses.

It's not that Monique owed him an explanation or something- there may be an emergency that she had forgotten to let him know and that's fine. Cool.

It's just that, shouldn't she really be prioritizing something right now when she herself had stated that she oh so desperately needed to pass this course? Hence, why he offered to tutor her in the first place.

So. Not to be that guy, but where the hell is she?

Baka nga talaga emergency? he reasoned to himself, picking a random notebook to distract him from the pain he's currently feeling. Was he being too overbearing? Was he being overly dramatic over something simple? Knowing her attention span, baka nga nakalimutan niya lang talaga?

But why does it feel like it isn't? Why does it feel like there's something else and that he's just trying to justify her absence more than he should've?

Shaking his head, he was about to revert his focus on his notes when a loud chatter of a nearby group of students caught his attention.

He could've easily ignored it. Just one of the background noise even. However, he could've sworn he heard her voice. He must've- after years of being with her, her voice had been one of the things he had imprinted on his memory. He could easily distinguish hers even if he was put in a loud room.

Turning his head, his gaze immediately found her figure, just in the middle of a group of students- varsities, he belatedly realised- laughing without any care, leaning against that same dude that had caught her attention.

He knew it shouldn't affect him. It wasn't even any of his business, she's free to do whatever she wants, right?

Her choice whether she wants to study or not, it was all under her discretion.

Ah but it hurts, his face contorting on that painful smile he had found himself sporting these days. Why does it hurt? Why is it something as simple as her blowing their study session off to hang out with that guy and his circle of friends hurt so much?

-=-

"Now here's what I'm curious about,nagtampo ka na ba sakin without me knowing?" he wondered as if she was there with him to provide him the answers he wanted. "Yung tipong di mo sakin sinabi na nagtatampo ka kasi wala naman ako at that situation tas di mo na sakin sinabi kasi nawala rin agad yung tampo mo or something along those lines?"

Frowning, she thought hard for any instances he had described. Was there a time where she was pissed at him and hadn't let him know?

Just before she could even blurt out her answer, she found herself holding back as she remembered that he wasn't there to hear her answer.

Nagmumukha akong tanga sa'yo, Cj, she groaned inwardly, thanking the heavens that Rianne decided to stay the night at her boyfriend's.

"It was a horrible feeling, did you know?" he continued his monologue. "Lalo na 'pag wala ka naman talagang karapatan magalit. Pero di ba common courtesy na lang din na magsabi kapag di ka makakarating sa usapan?"

What?

"Sorry," he let out a small mirthless laugh. "Naguungkatan na rin naman tayo ng past, right? Ah ako nga lang pala so might as well, no? That time where you and I had a scheduled study session, the time where you-- I don't know if you forgot- blew me off just to hang out with that wannabe varsity dude."

She could feel her stomach dropping with every sentence he uttered. True, he knew of her goldfish-like memory so to have him directly remind her of what had happened back then gave her a sense of dread.

"I know I have no right to get mad, cause you're entitled to do whatever you want pero sana di ba nagsasabi?" Was this the reason why he had been acting all too strange that time they had met afterwards? Was this the reason why he was all too tense before going back to his normal self? "But no matter, kahit naman nagtatampo ako sa'yo, tingin mo matitiis kita?"

That's the thing, she wanted to disagree. You should've told me off. You should've made your thoughts known. So why didn't you?

-=-

Now Playing: Di Makatulog

1:08 ───ㅇ─────── 5:29 Bago pumikit ang iyong mata, ayokong managinip ng mag-isa

"What are we even doing?" he didn't mean for the question to escape his lips but the thought had been all too overwhelming that it finally slipped out of his mouth, prompting the person at the other side of the phone cease her animated storytelling of the events that had transpired earlier that morning.

"Huh?"

Closing his eyes, he berated himself silently for not being able to control himself. Was it because it was the dead of the night? Was it because his sleep was interrupted? Or was it because he had been feeling tired lately that he couldn't suppress his inner thoughts? "This," Might as well continue- take it head on, right? "Why are we even doing this?"

"We're just talking?" he could imagine her frowning as she tried to make sense of the shift in his mood. "Cj, if you're tired, you could've just said so. Di na sana kita naistorbo, di ba?"

Panic bloomed in his chest as he shifted from his position. "Wait no, that's not it." he rushed out before she could even hang up on him.

When she made no move to continue on, he took it as a sign to elaborate and so he did. "It's just that- Monique, why are we talking this late at night?"

She let out a small noise of confusion. "Because we haven't seen each other kanina? I barely saw even the glimpse of your shadow today tas ngayon ko lang narealize so I tried texting you and well, you answered naman so I figured, instead na text kasi mamaya nyan tulugan mo ako tas magaantay lang ako sa wala, tawagan na lang kita, ganun." she rambled on, not knowing how her words made its impact on him.

Shaking his head bitterly, he let out a small sigh as he stared at his bare ceiling, deep in thought. So ngayon mo lang napansin, he wanted to tell her. After weeks of not seeing each other, ngayon mo lang napansin na di na tayo naguusap?

"Pero Cj, dude, wait lang," the concern in her voice brought him out of his reverie. "Why are you- what's with the question? Again, if you aren't up for talking, you could've just said so."

She's starting to feel agitated, that much he could tell. With the way she stuttered, the way she repeated herself even if she hated doing so. It's funny how easily he had picked up her tells despite her not being there physically. It's funny how observant he had become just for her.

And just how easy he knew her tells, he could've easily stopped right there and then with the game he wanted to play and just let her continue with her tale as if nothing's wrong.

But there is. Something's wrong and if he had gotten a hold of himself, he would've held back and let it be. But he was getting tired and in his haze, he felt a great need to let whatever's bothering him known.

"It's not that," he backtracked, running his free hand over his face as he racked his brain for the right words. "Believe me, there's nothing more than I want than to hear about your day. Kasi for some reason-- and I think something's wrong with me when I say this pero parang may kulang kasi ngayong araw."

Silence engulfed the air and for a second, he had feared that he might've set her off but all of that was washed off when he heard her chuckle.

"It's me, isn't it?" he could already picture the silly grin adorning her lips as she asked him and for that alone had him smiling lopsidedly as well. Is it worth setting aside what he felt? Perhaps. "Sabi na nga ba ako talaga ang kukumpleto sa buhay mo."

Ignoring the skip of his heart, he let out a small groan for her to hear. "And there goes your delusions again." he let out a small chuckle as he heard her huff. "You sure you don't want me to drive you to the mental institute?"

"Hah. Eh ikaw nga tong pabago-bago ng mood so baka ikaw yung may kailangan nang idiretso sa mental institute?"

"Please. Kung baliw man ako, dahil yun sa'yo. I think you just had that effect on people, yeah? Nakakabaliw ka, Monique."

Hearing her scoff, he closed his eyes as he felt the tension released from his body. "Lahat naman nababaliw sakin, Cj. Ewan ko bakit ngayon mo lang yan narealize."

Should he dare? Is it worth risking for?

"Uy, seryoso dude?" In his silence, he failed to notice how her voice sobered. "If you're tired, then I'll let you rest."

"Nah, I'm okay. Di pa naman ako pagod."

"Sure ka? Just earlier you were questioning why we're doi-"

"I just missed you, s'all." he was quick to cut her off, mentally kicking himself for even bringing it up. "You were right, di tayo nagkita today and we haven't talked for a while kaya let me just- savor this, I think."

She let out a small laugh. "Savor this? You speak as if we're not going to talk anymore. Na parang di na tayo nagkikita ah. Na parang di tayo naguusap ah."

"Haven't we?"

"Ah but I'm right here, di ba? And medyo busy lang tayo kaya siguro di tayo nagkakatagpo or something."

"Are you really? I mean, paano pag sobrang busy ka na talaga at wala ka nang time para makipagusap, much less makipagkita?"

"I don't think that's possible, Cj. You and I- we make time for each other di ba? Like right now, masyado na ngang late but we're still talking, di ba?" oh how he wished he could see her, figure out her thoughts as she uttered these words.

He let out a small shuddering sigh. "Yeah," he conceded but with the thoughts running through his head, he couldn't stop himself from adding, "But why does it feel like-"

She let out a small hum, as if she had all the patience in the world. "Feel like what?"

"Like I'm losing you." he let the gravity of his words sink in. "Am I losing you?" he whispered as he heard her breath hitch.

"No," it was her turn to let out a shuddering sigh. He wanted to think that the thought itself repulsed her. "Never. Di ba nga sabi mo, mas madikit pa ako sa linta?" she asked, eliciting a small choked laugh from him. "You're not gonna lose me, Cj."

Her words were meant to soothe his fears. She was meant to placate this wavering heart of his. But for some reason, all it did was to give way to the dread he had been feeling.

Swallowing this feeling, he made a sound of disbelief. "Bakit naman parang nangbabanta ka, Monique?"

At the sound of her exasperation, his mouth curled in a small smile. "Hay nako this dude. It's an assurance, Ceej."

"But you know, people tend to just leave."

"And I'm not gonna be like them, Christian na di mabait." her voice had been too firm, too serious. And for a moment right there, she had made him believe in her. "I won't leave you even if you don't want to be in my life anymore."

Closing his eyes, he couldn't help the sharp breath he had taken. Ah. He must've been so tired, after all.

-=-

Having friends with someone who articulates words really well (read: Rianne), she had been made aware of how much words can mean so much more when they are used in the right context.

Take the word 'Oh', for example. In her opinion, this word had been overused in every possible way. In songs, sonnets, poems, stories, and even in mundane conversations. She couldn't understand how this simple word can make such an impact that people would use it over and over and so in silent protest, she refrained to use it on her daily conversations much to Rianne's amusement. (And much to the latter's delight, she had lasted at least two weeks before breaking her self-protest.)

"Am I losing you?" he whispered, his voice quiet and careful as if there's fragility in every syllable spoken.

Oh.

Now she gets it. Oh. Like oh, how does he know how to break her heart like this? Oh, please don't do this. Can't he see her heart breaking for him? Can he break her heart even more?

"Have I lost you?"

Turns out he can.

As silence followed him, she heaved out a shuddering sigh, trying to reel in all the emotions that are about to spill out any moment now.

Oh how she wanted nothing more than to be oblivious of what he was referring to. Oh how she wanted nothing more than to have forgotten the myriad of emotions she had felt that night where they had shed off the illusion of a strong front.

"That day, I was missing you, you know?" Cj continued, voice wavering. "For some reason, my best friend and I see each other less and less as days passed and I- for some reason, I can't confront you about it because I didn't know how to approach the topic. So I just let it be."

Closing her eyes, she could feel his emotions bleeding through the speakers, becoming tangible enough that she could almost feel them as if they were her own.

For the first time that night, she was grateful for his shyness- she couldn't bear to see him bare his soul to her right now, not when she, too, are in too deep with her emotions.

"And that night when you called me, I was really grateful. Though a small part of me was thinking, ah so naalala mo pa pala ako. Salamat ah? Pero kasi mas nananaig yung pagkamiss ko sa'yo." She could imagine him smiling oh so bitterly to his recorder as he paused. "I asked you once, have I lost you? And you answered instantly-"

"No," they chorused, albeit hers was more of a whisper whilst his was more of a resolute.

"And like a fool, I believed you." he sighed. "You just have that effect on me. You could tell me so many lies and I would still believe you."

Words can be weapons if used in the right context, Rianne would often tell her. And right now, she's bearing the brunt of it.

Oh, how it hurts.

-=-

Now Playing: I need you more today

1:13 ────ㅇ───── 4:11 I need you now, more than ever, more than words can say

"Handa na ako," he had blurted out as he watched Rianne look up from her reading material, cocking an eyebrow at what he hoped to be determined expression on his face before giving all her attention on him. At her silence, he took it as a sign to continue. "Handa na akong aminin ang aking lihim na pagtingin sa kanya."

Letting out a small sigh, he scanned his surroundings, methodically making sure not even a speck of dust was out of place.

With what he had planned for tonight, would it be an overkill to decorate their usual place at the quad? Was the addition of fairy lights an obvious give away of what he wanted to talk to her about?

Originally, he would've preferred to do this at their usual table in the library since not only it's lowkey but he wanted to think there's sentiment behind such place but Rianne was quick to poke his forehead with a revolted look on her face. ("Are you serious? Library? What's next, will you give her a badly constructed love letter and some tacky chocolates?") If it weren't for JK- her esteemed boyfriend holding her back, he might've been smacked on the head multiple times. (Honestly, that guy is a saint for even putting up with her. How on earth did she even snagged the guy?)

Silence engulfed them until he saw her mouth twitching as she cringed at his words. "Wow naman, di ko alam na meron pala akong kasamang makata dito," she bobbed her head, raising her palms as she gave him a small applause, obviously mocking him.

Shaking his head, he began inspecting the fairy lights Rianne and JK had set up for him, making sure it was working properly, silently thanking them.

While they may not see eye to eye, he knew he could always count on Rianne on things that matter and this, right here, is a testament of how far she'll go to help him.

Before he could even open his mouth to retaliate, her expression turned into a complete 180, shooting him a serious look as she closed her book, sliding it aside as she placed both of her elbows at the top of the table, giving him a once over. "Thank fucking god. It only took you what? Four years?" she asked rhetorically, making his jaw drop.

Was he really that obvious? "What made you decide to end all of our misery and finally confess to her?"

"'Our misery'" he echoed, eyebrows furrowing as she nodded her head, blinking owlishly.

"You two are really perfect for each other, being painfully dense and oblivious this entire time." she muttered, shaking her head when she realized the reason behind his question. "It's cute that you think you've hidden your feelings for her that well." Setting her lips in a tight line, she let out a small sigh. "I guess when the object of your affection is equally dense as you are, you're really bound to think that, yeah?" Mirroring the smug grin on her face, he threw a small piece of paper at her to which she had dodged easily, cackling softly at his indignation.

Patting over his hoodie's pocket, he let out a small sigh as he felt the familiar weight of the cassette tape he had been carrying the past few days, giving him a small sense of comfort just to quell in the nerves he had been feeling as the night creep in.

"So what's the plan?" she asked, picking up the paper he threw only to throw it back at him, making him glower at her. "Confess to her in an empty classroom like a school boy or do you just blurt it out as if you're talking about the weather?"

"Actually," he trailed off, scratching the side of his face as he met her curious gaze, suddenly feeling all too sheepish. "I was kinda hoping this is where you'll come in." he muttered. "Well, you and your boyfriend!" he backtracked as he saw her mouth curling in an all too familiar smirk.

"Come again?" she leaned forward, obviously enjoying how the tables had turned. "I don't think I heard you correctly. Did you just admit that you needed my help?"

"I'm starting to think this is a bad idea and I should've just approached your boyfriend instead." he groaned, earning a cackle from her.

"You know, for someone who's asking for a favor, you're not being nice." She's clearly enjoying this. Why did he even think it was a good idea to ask her? "Besides, I don't think you've got the courage to ask Juju by yourself. Not when you thought you're being sneaky with your emotions."

He let out a small grumble. "You're never gonna let that go, are you?"

"Siguro mga for this week's punchline lang. Iba naman next week." she grinned. "So when are you gonna grovel for my help?"

Rolling his eyes, he clasped both of his palms as he stared at her directly to her eyes. "Pretty please, can you and your boyfriend help me set up a place for my confession to Monique?" he asked lifelessly, already dreading her impossible demands-

"Sure."

Stunned, he stared at her as if she just grew four heads. "Just like that? No- 'you owe me Cj', 'wow Cj, if you're that desperate drop and give me twenty burpees ya piece of shit?'" if she noticed how his voice went octaves higher, he was grateful she decided not to comment on it.

When he was asked by Rianne if he had a plan, he had let her know the mixtape he had put together way back, giving her the idea of setting up a small picnic blanket by the tree they used to hang out at, transforming it into a somewhat vintage-ish look that three broke college kids could come up with.

Scoffing, she rolled her eyes as she began packing her things. "Au contraire mon ami, I'm not that heartless." she said, giving him a pointed look. "I may be a demon but there are some things where I draw the line. Messing with my friends' happiness is one of them."

"Thank you,"

Glancing at his watch, his eyebrows began to furrow as he mentally recalled his last text to Monique. He hadn't texted her the wrong time, had he?

Checking over their last message, he could feel the familiar coil of dread creeping over his stomach. She wouldn't ditch him this time, right? Surely, she's just running late?

"Don't thank me. I haven't even talked to JK yet." Faltering, she blinked as if she has been struck by a sudden thought. Turning to look at him once more, he could feel that whatever she's gonna say would dampen the mood. "Say, Cj, I'm curious about something."

Raising an eyebrow at her, he wordlessly gestured for her to continue.

"What will you do if-" she furrowed her eyebrow as he saw her contemplate whether to continue or not but before he could even ask, she had made her decision. "What will do you if Monique might not return your feelings?"

Plopping over the blanket, he tilted his head back, eyes closing as he let out a shuddering sigh.

Ah, how could he had forgotten? No wonder the quad's been all too serene, void of life.

Ah. That. He was hoping she wouldn't bring it up but he should've known better.

Averting his gaze, he could feel a bitter smile creeping across his face. "Then… I'll let these emotions go."

"That easily?"

It's the homecoming game. Last game of the season and from what he had heard, the last game that guy would be in too so it is a big event. He should've known. God, what an idiot.

"You seem to forget, Rianne. I love her more than I cherish my own happiness. I'd rather wish she's genuinely happy with someone else rather than force her by my side."

The implication hanging between them weighed heavier than what he had intended but he knew- they both knew he was right. Was it his wishful thinking to have Rianne contradict his words?

Biting his lip, he let out one last huff of air, quelling in the raging emotions he had been feeling, hoping to at least hold the tears at bay just until he's back in the safety of his apartment.

Just a few more minutes, he pleaded. Maybe she just lost track of time. But when there's no sign of even a shadow of hers, he knew better than to keep on waiting.

"Confessing to her is just me wishing she'd choose me. That perhaps, I may be enough for her to choose me this time." he whispered carefully as he looked up only to meet her eyes. Times like this he'd wish he had her ability to easily read emotions but perhaps he's also grateful he hadn't. After all, ignorance is truly a bliss.

Shaking his head, he hung his head low, a slow bitter smile plastered on his mouth.

She made her choice… and it's not him.

-=-

"What happened to us?" his voice came out in a shaky whisper a few minutes after the song had faded out, breaking her out of her reverie. "That's probably what you've been thinking this entire time, yeah?"

"You're probably thinking it's shitty of me to drop off the face of the earth the moment we graduated tas out of nowhere bigla na lang ako magpaparamdam through this, right? Siguro nga naiirita ka knowing I made Rianne and JK my accomplices dito but knowing you, I don't think you'd welcome me if I do this directly."

Wait, what? Even JK? She knew about Rianne's involvement the moment she received her message but to hear that Cj asked for her boyfriend's help is news to her.

Why, the last she saw that boy, he had been shooting her looks she couldn't decipher. At that time, she thought he was judging her from the way she couldn't be bothered to get dressed, brushing it off as she had known him throughout their college days but if what Cj said was true, then could it be those looks were more of pity rather than judgement?

"Remember that day where I asked you to come by our place by the quadrangle? I had it all planned, you know?" She couldn't miss the pain beneath his cheery voice. "I suck at decorating so I asked their help- picture this, just beneath our tree, there's lights-- fairy lights as what Rianne called them- hanging from the branches, underneath them, there's a picnic blanket Jk borrowed from his roommate cause he claimed it's better than to lie on the grass. And man, Monique you should've seen it! There's an actual picnic basket full of food that they both cooked because we all know that I am hopeless in the kitchen."

Bakit ganoon? She wanted to ask, her free hand unconsciously reaching to clutch her chest as she felt her heart being squeezed with every word coming out from his mouth. It took so much for her to feel intensely, to feel strong emotions but with Cj, she could build a great wall around her heart and he would topple it in minutes tops.

"Sa gitna ng picnic blanket, nandun yung speaker ko," he continued with a shuddering breath. "With one cassette tape inserted. This exact cassette tape filled with songs that reminded me of you- of us, throughout the years. Siguro hindi mo ma-connect yung kanta but for me, they were filled with memories of me and you and how our story came to be. I had it all planned- to tell you all about these memories while listening to the songs just beneath that tree while stargazing.

"Ang corny no? Hah. I tried telling Rianne about that but all she told me that if I wanted to confess how I felt then I should be sincere and open and that's why I have this tape with me."

Her breath hitched as she felt her heart stopped along with time as she looked at the speaker with wide eyes. Did he just-?

"Cause if I can't tell you these thoughts, these feelings out loud then I'll do it in the way I best know how… and that is through songs, don't you think?"

She could almost hear his heart shattering at the background as her trembling hand reached for her phone. With her vision blurred with all those unshed tears, she had to use both hands to frantically send a text to Rianne all while willing her breaths to even out.

Millions of thoughts rushed through her that she couldn't comprehend them all but one thing stood clear-- she had to see Cj now.

"So now you know," Cj's hushed voice made her pause before returning her attention back to her phone. "Why I had to disappear for awhile. It's a shitty excuse but I had to step back because I had to respect your decision. But I didn't even made it clear no? I didn't made it clear to you that you have options- that I am an option too."

Could it be…? Faltering, she faced the speaker once more, hope sparking within her, her phone pinging with an answer from her ever so loyal friend. With renewed vigor, she took her hoodie and her keys before rushing through the door, not caring if she faced Rianne's wrath for leaving her speaker on- apartment haunting be damned.

Just before she closed the door, she could hear his voice- the quietest she had ever heard from him, "…do you think I can try again?"

-=-

It was just like he said but not quite like it.

They weren't at their typical place- there weren't any trees, nor students bustling around the quadrangle. There's no field of grass to lay on, nor picnic blankets to sit upon.

Instead, she was directed at some rooftop of a random apartment complex (no doubt this is the very one he lived in currently) situated conveniently in the middle of the city that never sleeps.

There's no fairy lights hanging from the branches just as he had claimed and yet, with the city lights glimmering from a distance, it almost felt like it added a little bit of etherealness to the ambiance he was going for.

There's no stars- not in this light polluted city but just a glance of his eyes, she could've sworn there's galaxies of stars shining behind his eyes the moment he saw her.

Really, it was just like he said: it was a sight to behold. But this, right here? She wouldn't let him know, but this is infinitely better than what he had described.

"Bilis ah," she heard him before she could even see him all in his glory. That mouth of his would really be his undoing, had she even told him that before? "Don't tell me, tumakbo ka kaagad papunta dito?"

Hay nako Lord, may preno ba ang bibig nito? Feel ko may masasapak muna ako bago magungkatan ng nadarama.

But that's just a part of them, isn't it?

The playful bantering that would often end up with one of them wanting to sock the other in the face, the endless jabs that would often leave the other scrambling for a wittier comeback, and the assurance that despite the gap that separated them, they would always be okay.

Scoffing, she took a step closer towards him. "Bakit naman ako tatakbo? Ikaw ba si bebe Yoseob ko? Hindi, di ba?"

It was his turn to scoff. "Oh please. Di ka talaga papapasukin ng guard dito pag dinala mo yun. And really, Monique? You still have that old thing? My god, di pa ba yun inaanay?"

Jaw dropping, she squinted her eyes as betrayal etched on her face. "How dare you slander my love?" she couldn't help the venomous tone seeping from her voice as the fucker had the audacity to laugh at her reaction as if he was proud of himself. "You take that back."

"Take what back? Di ba prone ang mga cardboard sa mga anay?" he challenged, grinning at her as he . "And what, di ba matagal na rin yung cardboard mong yun? Ancient artifact, ganern."

Oh if only looks could kill. He would've been six feet under this entire apartment complex.

"…You're dead to me." she huffed, turning back to the doorframe when she felt two arms snaking around her waist, engulfing her in that familiar warmth she hadn't known she had been missing.

Oddly enough, it felt like she had basked in his hold before as if… it happened once upon a dream. And while being in his hold made her feel like she's back home, she couldn't help the feeling of disappointment wash over her.

Disappointment for herself, that is. If only…

"Hey," his voice quiet and soft, tugging her to face him, meeting his equally soft gaze and a small smile hanging upon his lips making her think that despite everything, he's still the one comforting her. "What's going on up there?" he asked gently, knocking on her forehead softly.

There's so many things she could've said to him- after all, what do you even say to the person you've made to wait?

"Why me?" she asked instead, voice barely audible but with the way he stiffened slightly, she knew he heard her. "You could've had anyone and yet you choose to stick by me, why?"

For a moment there, she anticipated him choosing to answer the same way he did all those years ago- back when all her insecurities ran deep within her.

"I could ask you the same thing, why didn't you pursue him?" he countered, pulling away from her momentarily. "Wasn't that what you wanted? What changed?"

"He's not you," her answer was instantaneous, catching them off guard. She didn't mean to come off too strong, she hadn't mean to confess first and yet, when she saw the stunned look on his face, she knew she had to find the courage to continue.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she muttered, "No matter how much of a total package he was, there's one thing he couldn't be and that's- he's not you." She could see the conflict dancing upon his eyes and while she understood, she couldn't help the pang of sadness washing over her.

She could've said more but with the way she saw the understanding dawning upon his eyes, she knew she didn't need to elaborate.

"Ang daya mo, alam mo yun?" he let out a small chuckle, shaking his head fondly at her. "Pinatawag nga kita para ako yung aamin and yet, here we are."

"Ayan!" She exclaimed, startling him, his hold on her faltering momentarily. "Kinuntsaba mo talaga sina Rianne? Goodness Cj, kala ko ba kaaway mo ang beshy ko?" she asked him, tone accusatory making him roll his eyes at her, good naturedly.

"Focus," he mumbled, poking her forehead before placing his arms around her once more. "Moment ko na nga 'to, aagawin mo pa talaga?" he whined, earning a grin from her.

"Ay sorry, sorry- please, do continue." she nodded off as if daring him to act upon what he had been planning the entire night for.

"I like you."

Drawing in a sharp breath, it was her turn to be stunned as she met his gaze. Taking her silence as his cue, he dared to continue. "I think I've said all I can in that mixtape so I hoped you listened to it carefully kasi ang hirap umulit, Monique please lang." if she didn't know any better, she could've thought he was offering her a cheeky grin when in fact, it was actually a nervous smile.

"I've liked you for a long time, Monique. Back then, I thought I would've been satisfied being your friend cause that's better than nothing but as time went by, my feelings for you just grew stronger and I-"

"-I think I got greedier, wanting to be the source of your happiness. Kasi if I can make you happy as a friend then maybe… just maybe, I can be a source of your happiness as someone more."

Ah. What's this feeling? How is it that this boy in front of her made her go through a rollercoaster of emotions in a span of one night?

How could he make her heart feel so full and content? How could he ease all of her worries with poorly constructed words and mistimed jokes?

But that's just it, right? That this right here, this is what love feels like, right?

Eyes boring right into her, she could feel the surge of emotions running through him as his eyes sought hers. "And so, Monique, do you think I can try again?"

A heartbeat passed.

"Yes."

#commissioned piece #actually it's more of a gift #long fics #scene capture #f2l #slow burn #project mixtape #friends to lovers

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