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wasp-coffee · 1 year

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Probably Incoherent Shadow and Bone rant

right off the bat, I haven't read the books - this is going entirely off the TV show

I think something that's really bothered me about Shadow and Bone through the first season and into the second and that has become clear as I've finished it is the idea that darkness is final.

Maybe I've been brainwashed by pop culture into hoping for redemption for villains, but I thought the way Aleksander was treated in the series was generally horrific. I mean from the get-go I knew he was going to be the "bad guy" (hello black colour scheme) but the thing is that I still don't think his motivations were bad. I understand why he did what he did, why he'd become what he had, and what he did was (imo) very similar to what Sarah Alder did in Motherland: Fort Salem (this is me telling you to go watch it btw).

I think something quite harmful which is mentioned in the series is the idea that darkness is corrupting and there is no coming back from it. Also the idea that you cannot change who you are - that everything you are comes from your birth. Any child no matter how good born with power over shadows would have been demonised and because of it no one ever gave him the chance to prove anyone otherwise. (See: Jonathan Morgenstern) Because really Aleksander never stood a chance, no matter how good he could have been. He was always going to become something awful because of the power he had no choice over and the way people treated him because of it. There was no chance for a dark magic user to be a good guy.

But the series focuses heavily on his choices. His decisions. Because he, as a hunted minority with a gift that people feared, wanted to protect himself. The idea that evil is intrinsic, that it can't be prevented and is inevitable in some people but not in others... The black and white view of "good" and "evil" really started to annoy me in the second season. Despite everything he'd done I still saw a posibility for Aleksander to do good because the change he wanted was for the good of his people and their safety. He was always treated as evil, as irredeemable, by his mother and everyone else around him so that's what he became but... it's all his fault, right? Nature not nurture?

When Alina 'goes dark' its okay because she's good actually and she can be pulled away from it no no don't touch that its bad. She has to fix it because she's good. That's all she can be - good. No wiggle room. She's born good, and even after everything remains recognised as such. But Aleksander was right good cannot exist without evil and I think the reverse is true. The idea that he has nothing left - that he's only fighting for himself, for power, I never thought held any water because... the whole reason he built the little palace and everything else was to keep his people safe. His motivations cannot be selfish because the whole reason he did everything he did was because he wanted to save his people.

When Alina wants to save her people it it's good and right but when he does it it's wrong and evil?

I think the reason why the ending felt very unsatisfying for me was because none of the reasons why Aleksander did what he did are ever really addressed - everything just trots along normally. Like Grisha aren't going to be killed for who they are... like they aren't hunted and in danger and reliant on leniency and goodwill to keep them alive.

I think Aleksander could have been a really compelling character if he was allowed develop further - he was starting to feel very one dimensional evil during the end there. I think his end was... unreasonably cruel (even though I knew he was going to die from day one) and his final moments only confirmed the capacity for goodness that I saw throught the series.

I don't know... I just can't help but thinking that he never stood a chance.

(Please be kind in the notes, I've only just finished the series and am in no way claiming to be an expert or writing the definitive bible this is just some thoughts.)

(I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say though please tell me if i've forgotten something or got something wrong)

#shadow and bone #probably delete later to prevent the mob ive seen in the tag already #feel free to send me a message on anon #id love to understand more #please dont crucify me besties #I know i'm late #his tag is just full of fanfic so i won't bother tagging this #i don't know i think the themes of light and dark weren't delved into nearly enough #maybe i misunderstood the concerns of the series

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iamnmbr3 · 3 years

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Another day. Another questionable interview from someone involved with the production. This time the Director (who to her credit at least is better than Mike Waldron in that she is able to say she likes Loki’s character whereas his interviews drip with open disdain and disrespect and he can’t even pretend otherwise). (x)

Kate Herron: But Loki doesn't have many friends, you know? He builds this friendship with Mobius across the second episode.

Here again we get out-of-universe confirmation that the narrative framing of Mobius in a positive light is intentional. Mobius is not Loki’s friend. He’s his captor and his torturer. Loki isn’t on equal footing with Mobius. They don’t even have a boss-employee relationship. LOKI WAS MOBIUS’S SLAVE until he escaped. He was being held against his will and coerced under threat of death to work for Mobius and his organization without compensation. That is slavery. And it’s not ok.

Mobius also berated him by telling him that he is inherently evil and monstrous - the very things that drove him to suicide. Mobius is complicit in acts of torture, genocide, murder, privacy violation, and police brutality and shows no signs of having any problem with it. He’s no more Loki’s friend than Thanos or the Black Order are.

When has he ever treated Loki with dignity or respect? Even if we ignore all the horrific stuff, he’s just plain not nice to Loki. He constantly mocks and belittles him and never takes his side. That’s not a how a friend behaves! That’s how a bully behaves! Where is the basis for this friendship??!!

Kate Herron: “And obviously, we're seeing it through Loki and Sylvie's POV. You know, neither of them are good or bad. A complete, pure good hero would probably join the queue and be like, "Well, hopefully we'll get on the train." But they're not those characters. They're going to try and get on it.”

They snuck onto a train??? That’s what she thinks a grey character is? That’s so dull! Loki was a complex and grey character. Larry (as I call the tv show character) and Sylvie...got on a train without a ticket. That’s laughable! That doesn’t make me think about complex morality or issues. And c’mon. All the heroic Avengers have done that level of rule breaking MANY times and they don’t lose their “pure good hero status.” Tony Stark constantly does things like that! I want Loki back. HE is a grey character. But I haven’t seen him in the show so far. Instead I get Larry the watered down clown.

Kate Herron: “When Loki and Mobius are at Pompeii, for example, that's shown through Loki's POV, right? He's joyous and he cracked the case. Pompeii was horrific, but we're seeing it through his perspective and he's in a completely different headspace.”

You know a scene can have more than one emotion right? Like he could be happy about solving the case but also horrified at the destruction of Pompeii? Instead he is laughing at the people who are about to die horrifically and seems to have no compassion for them whatsoever. Sure people can headcanon reasons why he behaved that way (and more power to them. Fixing dumb canon is what fandom is all about!) but the narrative framing is to me pretty clearly lighthearted and the director confirms that intent. There seems to be no awareness that by having Loki behave so callously it makes him come across as incredibly cruel. Far more than he ever was in canon.

In Thor 2011 Thor is laughing while slaughtering Jotnar (as is considered appropriate in his culture) but Loki isn’t. He kills when he has to but he doesn’t enjoy it, something that’s unusual for the culture he was raised in. This Pompeii scene could’ve been a great time to see Loki’s more compassionate side as he looks at the people who are going to die. We could’ve seen some real conflict from him. And it would’ve been a great moment to start introducing the concept that he’s more than just a simple villain to more casual viewers. Instead, although they think they’re “redeeming” Larry over the course of the show they’ve made him far worse and more villainous. I wish they had hired an experienced Director who also understands Loki - like Kenneth Brannaugh!!! - rather than a Director who has never headed up a major project before. Though even the best Director couldn’t fix the abysmal and ooc script and story Mike Waldron came up with.

Kate Herron: “I think that's the thing that's really key for her is that she's a completely original character, completely born out of our writers, and that, for me, was exciting.”

Remember when I said Sylvie is the favored OC? Called it.

Kate Herron: “The train scene I love because Loki doesn't get many wins and it's nice to see him having a nice sing-song. He's just enjoying himself. Because I think that's such a funny way, as well, to show the difference between him and Sylvie is that she's on a mission. She's like, "We're going to get off this moon." And when she's offered a drink, she's like, "No, thank you."

WOW. I hate this SO much. So suddenly Sylvie gets to act more like Loki and Loki suddenly doesn’t know how to be subtle and is just a dumb clown messing everything up. C’mon! This is absolutely ridiculous. This is not Loki silvertongue. This is not the Loki who tried to diffuse the situation on Jotunheim and almost succeeded. This is not the Loki who was always a restraining voice in Thor’s ear. They’ve turned Sylvie into discount Loki without any depth or complexity or vulnerability and they’ve turned Loki into discount Thor ft. dumb clown! Absolutely outrageous.

Kate Herron: “everything is not what it seems and even in our design, people have picked up on certain things. Like the way that they dress, or the posters and that there's something a bit more going on there.”

If the TVA actually turn out to be twist villains I will laugh SO hard; I’d say that twist is too dumb even for Marvel but...it’s really not! Like. Guys. If they’re gonna be TWIST villains you have to not have them do obviously villainous things on screen!!!! BECAUSE THEN IT’S NOT A TWIST!!!!

From the moment we meet them we see them commit acts of police brutality, murder, genocide, trial without due process, enslavement, privacy violation, and torture IN ORDER TO ELIMINATE FREE WILL. Like. They are literally the most evil organization in the MCU. Even Thanos can’t compare. So having them be revealed as villains will fall flat. Because the twist isn’t the audience learning new information or the main character learning it. It’s just the narrative suddenly acknowledging it and treating their atrocities seriously. So the twist is in the real world not the show. And it’ll make Larry look like an even bigger idiot than he already does if he’s suddenly like “Wait the people who tortured and enslaved me are evil?! What?!??!” (I stg if he has to fight miss minutes in the end like I joked about I will lose it).

Also. Why make it a twist?! When you treat the villains as a joke it robs the narrative of tension. Their acts of evil should’ve been acknowledged from the beginning in order to create sympathy for the protagonist and tension in the narrative as we watch him try to escape this situation! Smh. The only funny joke in this series is how badly the writing fails.

#Loki tv series #random musings #Marvel #MCU #loki show #loki series #loki 2021 #loki tv show #Loki Series critical #loki tv series interviews #my post

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mittensmorgul · 3 years

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So for the most part, I outright reject the finale. But I do think, in light of the whole "Jimmy was supposed to be in the bar, and Dean was disappointed by that because his perfect heaven would have Cas in it" just makes me all the more convinced that the final episode was some kind of djinn dream. Like.... There's no other explanation in my opinion. If Dean's perfect heaven was supposed to have Cas, and he tragically gets faked out by Jimmy (????? Why tf would jimmy be there anyway), it just proves that it's not ACTUALLY heaven. That, along with he El Sol beer he's drinking is all the evidence I need. I think after 15x19, Dean and Sam got whammied by some monster, and are stuck in a hallucination, and that's what we're seeing. (My headcanon is that it's actually The Empty doing it, because it knows if it doesn't keep Dean and Sam occupied and spinning in circles, they'll invade the Empty to save Cas. So its trying to prevent that) :)

Hello, anon friendo! I am gonna start by offering the socially distanced version of a high five, because yeah... There is just so much to unpack here, and you provided such a succinct and all-encompassing series of statements to start from. Thank you!

*flings open array of questionable suitcases*

First off, Congrats on having rejected the finale. I know a lot of folks are still struggling with that one, for many reasons. But you have hit upon so many of the points I’ve been trying to make about the finale since it aired. I’d just like to start with some of the assumptions I’ve heard from folks about the finale that make it impossible for me to consider it fully honestly canon. Because so much about it just makes no goshdang sense... like... not at all...

One of the biggest issues I have surrounding the reception of the finale in parts of fandom is that it portrayed a “happy ending.” The show itself spent the entire final season telling us that a gravestone marked Winchester was not and never would be a happy ending (thank you Becky Rosen-- words I never thought I’d say, but honestly and most sincerely meant). Let’s break this down a bit.

Starting from the assumption that “heaven was fixed” so that characters could have true free will there, making it satisfying in any way that Dean died so young and never got to truly experience happiness during life, I would like anyone who has adopted this attitude to then explain Kansas the band. I mean... explain that in any satisfactory canon-compliant way. (hint: you can’t. it makes zero sense in canon, if heaven is truly reformed and “happy” with everyone in possession of free will.)

Which brings me to Misha’s comments about Jimmy being in the Roadhouse. Why, if heaven were truly fixed, would Jimmy ever in a bazillion years attend a party for Dean Winchester? If Heaven were truly a “happy” ending for Dean, why introduce this element of eternal tragedy and heartbreak to his heaven experience? Why taunt him with the eternal loss of Cas-- even if you don’t think he reciprocated Cas’s romantic feelings, he was canonically the best friend Dean ever had, and being forced to exist forever in a place where he had everyone else he ever cared for except for Cas? Is frankly horrific.

How the actual fuck is that a happy ending, in any sense of the word?

How is this the sort of heaven that Dean would’ve made for himself before it was “fixed?” At least in the memorex heaven, he could’ve lived in oblivious peace with Cas, even if it was always just his own memories and not ~actually Cas~. I honestly think that would’ve been happier than the abject tragedy of what we did get, and what we would’ve gotten had the original script played out.

All of this kind of makes me wonder if they ever even actually defeated Chuck. Like... it feels more like Dean got pulled into the Empty at that moment with Cas and Billie, and everything else after that point was the Empty’s endless experience of sorrow and despair we knew it subject its charges to. So that’s one potential for what could’ve actually happened. I mean, everything about the finale was sorrow and despair, you know? Dean didn’t even get to enjoy his pie at a pie festival because Sam smashed in in his face. How is any of it happy, in any way?

Because if that was actually heaven, there wasn’t actually any free will (because why tf would Kansas the band have chosen to put on that concert? why tf would Jimmy have been there, just to torment Dean with the taunt of Cas returning to him only to have that hope snatched away again? It’s cruel. It’s, in fact, a source of intense despair).

The djinn theory could also work, and I’ve read some excellent fix-it fic using that as a premise. But that doesn’t really explain what happened to Jack (and Amara, since she was in there with them) after hoovering up Chuck’s power, you know? I think the simplest explanations in canon are that Chuck actually won via the unified power of Light and Dark being transferred into Jack and effectively using him as a vessel. With Sam and Dean convinced they’d won, they effectively stopped resisting Chuck’s story for them, and using Jack’s understanding of humanity and the Winchesters specifically, Chuck finally was able to implement a version of his story that the Winchesters would just waltz into without thinking it was supernaturally influenced at all. Going bigger and bigger with monsters and cosmic troubles hadn’t worked, but going so small Sam and Dean would barely even notice the influence-- even with the incongruous reappearance of a vampire that appeared in their lives once, for like two whole minutes 15 years ago, and an unsolved case from the journal from more than 30 years ago that John had never even linked to vampires at all.

At this point, I need to mention that I’m watching 10.23 as I type this up. An episode in which we confront the Mark, along with Death, and Dean’s despair, where he learns a version of the truth (but by no means the full truth, or even accurate truth in some respects) about Chuck’s Story, Amara/The Darkness, etc. That would unfold more fully over the next five seasons. And what was the case Dean took in this episode? Vampires. LOLOL omg this show is nothing if not horrifically consistent, yes?

So because of this, I went haring off through my own blog looking for a post I made a long time ago about the symbolism of how various monsters are used on this show (because again, consistency). I got sidetracked by other posts in my monsters tag, including this from after 15.09 aired, which feels particularly awfully relevant. This was my reaction to Chuck’s Story he showed Sam in that episode, about what the future would look like should he successfully trap Chuck with a Mark, and which... yeah is basically exactly thematically consistent with what we saw in the finale, right down to a cheesy twist on vampires. Read the whole post right here, but this is the part that reached up and punched me in the face:

this is how Dean personally reacts when he loses Cas. We know how he reacts when he loses anyone else– think about what he did when Charlie died. He went on a murder rampage against the Stynes for killing her. When Mary died he broke some furniture and went full bore toward both resurrecting her and stopping Jack. But without Cas, Dean loses the will to fight. Sam has… always been different. He referenced Jess in 15.04 to remind us of how he was after she died in the pilot episode. Just like John, he picked up the revenge mission and ran with it. But for Dean, Cas is different. Without Cas… Dean gives up.

Because... Dean gave up. Sure, he and Sam weren’t overrun by vampires in the end. Chuck knew they’d never stop fighting the monsters, one way or another. The only way to get Dean to give up is something Chuck hadn’t quite figured out yet... maybe not until after 15.17, after confronting Cas in the hallway of the bunker, after absorbing Amara’s power, knowledge, and perspective on Dean.

Chuck needed Dean to give up, and honestly? Pushing Billie to clear him off the table and send him (and Cas, that pesky angel who never did what he was told) to the Empty would’ve been a direct way to deal with that... pretty much akin to having one sibling locked in a cage forever, yes?

Also, still looking through my monsters tag, I’m reminded of 14.15, and still cannot differentiate the version of Heaven in 15.20 from what was done to the people of that town. This... is not... paradise. This is actively what Dean has been insisting is the OPPOSITE of paradise since like… 4.22… No ending where Dean was a “Stepford bitch in paradise” ever had the possibility of being “happy,” at the core of things, and this “fixed” version of Heaven just doesn’t hold up to any degree of inspection. Something is seriously wrong here. https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183465650390/so-can-we-talk-about-this-monster-of-the-week-for

And since I was unable to find the post I wrote who knows how long ago about Monsters and how they’re symbolically used on Supernatural to represent larger themes in the episode, I’ll just attempt to sum up what Vampires have been used for. Revenge. Vampires are always, in some way connected to themes of revenge.

(and hooray, I found at least a post adjacent to the one I’ve spent the last four hours trying to find... https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187207052080/i-obviously-did-not-think-this-through, where I mention that shapeshifters are about revealing hidden truths (mostly about Dean since most shapeshifters are connected to Dean), zombies are about grief and the inability to move past it.)

So why... why at the end of their road is the monster that comes after them-- literally FOR REVENGE for something that had never been blamed on Sam or Dean to begin with, from season 1, directly connected to John’s revenge mission and the first time they learned about the Colt AND the first time they learned in canon that Vampires were even real... like... this feels very specifically like some kind of layers-of-meta levels of shade on them, you know? Vampires are for revenge, so what vengeance exactly is being visited upon Sam and Dean in this episode? If not Chuck’s entire story for them itself?

So yeah, 100% agree, something is incredibly rotten in the finale. And I am sick to effing death of people trying to convince us that anything about this was “good” or “happy” or “satisfying” in any way. Or even “how it was always supposed to end” with Dean dead bloody, as if the entire back half of the series hadn’t been suggesting that a true win was the subversion of all of Chuck’s story for them, and Dean finally being able to have his chosen family all alive, happy, and chilling on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. Nothing will ever convince me that the ending portrayed in 15.20 wasn’t exactly how Chuck thought he “won,” rendering it entirely irrelevant to the rest of canon, unless all of canon was ultimately the tragedy we’d been encouraged to believe would be firmly defeated in the end.

Folks, you can’t have it both ways.

#spn 15.20 #chuck's process #if this was the 'happy' ending for dean they sure did fail big time to make it actually happy!#it makes me feel sick thinking that dean's happy heaven ending was more like an eternal pit of torment #like actively tormenting him and taunting him with the fact that cas was truly gone forever #like wow they went all the fuck out to make it clear that even in heaven #dean would never be allowed to respond to cas's declaration of love #like... it's the most hurtful and hateful thing the show could possibly have done to us #and it still fucks me up knowing there's people who think this heaven was a 'good' ending for dean #like... fuck that entirely and with extreme prejudice #i feel like i have not been emphatic enough about my absolute hatred for this episode in these tags #but sadly there are limitations to expressing the actual feelings i'm feeling in the english language #sometimes the only effective word for these feelings involves velociraptor screeching #Anonymous

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traumatized-motherfuckers · 3 years

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Friendship Dissolutions; A Lesson in Asshole Trauma Reactions

So this is normally my school day, but I’m feeling the need to dig into something else this morning. The past events of this weekend, annnnd the past nearly two years. Because, if you hadn’t heard, relationships are hard and I like to embarrass myself by telling you about all my fuck ups.

You know, romantic relationships are a disaster for yours truly, but I always thought I was pretty good at the friendship thing. Since high school I’ve almost always had robust friendly relationships - both in depth and breadth. With the exception of a few difficult points in my life since 16, my phone has never been quiet, my weekends have only been isolating when I’ve been isolating myself, and I’ve always felt like I had humans on my side who were closer to kin than my actual family.

The thing is, there have been periods when this hasn’t been the case. I want to say that it’s generally when I’m in my worst mental health downfalls, but I don’t think that’s universally true. There have been variable reasons for separating myself from other people, or vice versa. Sometimes getting too busy, sometimes naturally growing apart, sometimes getting too obsessed with a romantic partner.

But, taking a more analytical view, underlying my lost friendship events, trauma has often been one of the influences that corrupted my friendships and left me lonely, even if it doesn’t seem like it at face value. The thing is, the trail of breadcrumbs might go back 20 years or so. I might not have been in a full-blown trauma state at the time, but those early life non-learnings about relationships have left their mark. So, yes, I do believe that CPTSD is the prerequisite for interpersonal disruptions and we’re not alone in that.

Anyways, in this Fucker’s life, for the past almost 2 years I’ve been in one of those friendship lulls. I’ve had casual friends, roommates, work-associates, distant relationships, some of those hey-how’s-it-going-every-two-months relations. But I haven’t had those deep, rich, all-encompassing friendships that used to define my existence. The ones that used to make me feel safe enough to have an existence, at all.

It’s all because I lost my core group of friends, I didn’t understand and couldn’t fix the problem, and I had no idea how to move forward.

And this last time when I lost everyone I loved, it was definitely due to trauma. Acute, historical, and recovering trauma, to be specific. It was a horrible period of my life, I was a human wrecking ball, and I had no emotional control… because, partially thanks to said friends, I never had to develop those skills.

Basically, I’ve been on my own since a whole series of mental health related isolation events and relationships dissolutions that have persisted since - I want to say 2019 - but to be more holistic, the ship started sailing earlier than that. Like, when I was born.

This has all come to mind more than usual because, this weekend? I had a strange rush of humans back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I saw my best, closest, most important old friends, who were closer to siblings…. In our natural habitat, with our normal friendship routines, with hundreds of memories from the past decade flying around the room.

And today… or, realistically, since I tried to go to sleep after seeing them each day this weekend… I have the relationship reckoning to deal with. The emotional and cognitive processing of everything that’s happened. The lost years. The sense of abandonment. The feeling of being cast out of a family. The inkling that everyone was talking about me. The realization that I was acting a fool, and maybe they should be talking about me. The sense that all parties were partially responsible, but I was the one to blame. The voice in my head that has called me a crazy, miserable, unlovable mess the entire time I debated this at 6am and 6pm and 3am for the past several years.

And now, in the aftermath, I have to work through the dynamic cocktail of feelings, the sense of waiting for the other shoe, and the big decision - are these relationships that I feel secure pursuing again?

And I don’t think I’m alone in this one.

So, today I thought it would be good to talk about this. The history of losing my favorite people on the planet, how I perceived it at the time, how I see my own trauma-actions fucking shit up in hindsight, how I’ve forgiven myself for being such a wild one, and… well… my hesitancy to have close friendships with humans who hurt me in the past. The ways I realized that being separate was beneficial to my mental health and life progress. The self-sabotaging enablement patterns that I now recognize, ran deep, in our old group of friends. The fear that being around them again will let my trauma brain run away with me.

Woo - it’s a whole personal relationship reckoning over here. Let’s just do this, so I can get to my school work at some point soon.

History

So let me set up this situation. You need the background details, of which, there are many dramatic twists and turns.

Be me, Spring of 2019. My romantic relationship with my ex in Atlanta - the musical narcissist that I followed to the city - is going terribly. Since we moved things have been rocky, but now our relationship has been pumped full of disappointment, unfair expectations, emotional codependency, resentment, horrific fighting, and abuse of all colors. Every day is a battle. We’re rarely ever “happy” together. We’re closer to enemies than friends. And we live under the same roof - the one his parents bought for him, outright in cash - to make matters even more fun.

Other than him, I’m alone in this city. I work at the brewery, where no one really likes me. I have one friend from work, but little time to interact thanks to the demanding schedule of my ex with his gigs and out-of-state child visitation.

Financially, my savings have been depleted by floating my significant other’s horrible decisions for the past 2 years. We can never get ahead. He never pays me back for anything. I’m basically in his pocket, as far as needing resources to survive.

As you can imagine, and as I’ve described previously, my mental health is in THE SHITTER. Maybe worse than it’s ever been, although this is hard to judge against some of my earlier years in my 20’s. I’m definitely ramped up in an aggressive and defensive trauma state more than ever before, thanks to living with my aggressor every day. I feel like I’m surviving against the will of my partner, who seems to legitimately be doing his best to drive me into an early grave every single time the sun rises. He’s moved into the territory of intentionally triggering me for hours on end, upsetting me to the point of mental breakdowns, and then gaslighting me for “acting so crazy.” Things have become dangerous, I have no one to turn to, and no cash to get myself into a better situation… not that I know what a better situation even looks like.

But one day, I left. Packed my two bags, went to work, wound up at that single sort-of-friend’s house, never went back home.

And that’s when the real nightmare started. I mean, my ex was a terror over time as we lived together, but a narcissist scorned is a narcissist determined to ruin your fucking life. He harassed me daily via text, phone call, FB messenger, email, stalkings… whatever you can think of. When I blocked him on everything, he started trying to leverage our therapists against me until they refused to interact anymore. He wouldn’t let me into his house to get my stuff. He tried to have me arrested for attempting to do so, after he made arrangements with me to move that weekend. He suddenly refused to even acknowledge that he owed me a dime, and found a way to tally up venmo transactions to show that I actually owed him. He took my only support - our dog, who was really my dog - away and wouldn’t let me see him. Later, he reported my car stolen, so I had to purchase a new one without warning.

The list goes on and on. Just, assume every pathetic, cruel, desperate attempt at getting under someone’s skin and reminding them that they had the audacity to leave you. That’s what was going on in my world.

Meanwhile, with those financial and social pressures I mentioned earlier. No close friends in the area, no spare cash, an unstable job where I was on the chopping block for the reason of “the CEO didn’t like my personality,” nowhere to live, no idea where to go next or how to start a whole new life.

Annnnnd this is right about when my closely knit friend group back in Illinois sort of, well, dipped.

My bestest, best, most treasured friend in my lifetime had always been there for me. But now, she wasn’t. We had exchanged a handful of phone calls over the past month in the aftermath of this relationship ending, but she had been pretty detached from it. I wasn’t offended, because she had certainly heard enough of the drama in real time… of course she was tired of hearing about it... but I was feeling especially alone and incapable of handling everything on my own, so the distance was difficult, nevertheless. Then, one day she told me that I was being too much for her. I had too high of expectations. It had been bothering her for a while. She needed me to understand and give her some space.

And this was the completely avoidable beginning of the end of my friendships. Let’s talk about why.

How I perceived it

So, I’m pretty sure you can guess how I took this challenging message from my best friend. Uh, poorly. I was so shocked that in my darkest hour, my comrade would feel like my problems were out of her paygrade. It felt like a stab to the heart and straight down through the gut. Here I was, completely alone and isolated, reaching back to my most trusted companions for a lifeline to keep my head above water, and… nothing. She didn’t want to reel me back into the boat.

I responded with some shitty messages about how I really wasn’t asking that much from her and I didn’t appreciate being blindsided by her sudden decision to get rid of me. I had only taken up a few phone calls to talk things through based on her schedule. I had visited her one weekend as I went to a job interview nearby. I had asked her to come visit me soon, so I could feel less alone for a few days. I didn’t think it was fair that she was responding this way. I couldn’t believe she would turn her back on me at this particular moment.

And so, the rift developed. We stopped speaking. I started sobbing. I was absolutely beside myself, as if I hadn’t already been. This wasn’t what I wanted, at all, but I also felt like I had no control in it.

.......

Like it? Well I’m too lazy to post the whole thing here. Check t-mfrs.com for the full blog AND the podcast recorded version. Yawelcome.

www.t-mfrs.com

(Traumatized Motherfuckers)

#cptsd #cptsd problems #actually CPTSD #cptsdsurvivor #just cptsd things #Complex Trauma #complexptsd #complextrauma #complextraumarecovery #healingcomplextrauma

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spicebowl · 3 years

Text

its 3 am and youre asleep, peaceful

its 3 am and im next to you getting high wondering how much longer i can do this

thinking about all the sweet words you tell me

all the gifts and love you try to show me

trying to reconcile that with your beliefs and actions and attitude

because sometimes i feel more loved than anyone in the world but i think about whos loving me and wonder if i could ever bring myself to love you as deeply

you never hurt me, but you bring me down, youre always kind until the offhand remark that reminds me who you are

till the argument that ends with a broken closet door and holes in the bedroom wall, surrogates for your rage and frustrations

i wonder how much longer before you drop your hole riddled mask and show me what a life with you is really like

were too different for a future, but its clear that for now im your favorite, for a year, a decade, a day

do i want to be? should i be? we are bonded by trauma and too scared to tell eachother we want to leave

or am i projecting? do you even want that? i see that look in your eyes when you kiss me and i can tell you love me

i see that look in your eye when im crying and screaming and i can tell i remind you of all the women you hate, the ones who hurt you

we argue all day and all night, but there are those calm stretches for days at a time when neither of us fuck up, were both perfect and happy and in love

but can i survive on crumbs like that? a relationship so barren and dry of any real fucking connection?

we share a home yhat i pay for because i work full time in hot kitchens, but you have had 6 jobs in 9 months and now you just trim weed

i clean and scrub and vacuum all day while ignoring my homework but you havent seen a syllabus since 2019 and gather the dishes in the room

am i nit picking? are these small issues that im blowing up?

self doubt self doubt self hatred

should i want to leave someone so clearly in love with me?

why am i so scared to leave someone so wrong for me?

both our lives would be better. this cant be healthy. i wonder every day if im abusing you

will i be one of your scars?

i asked you if you could handle what i am at the beginning, i told you i brought heartache and heartbreak and that i couldnt be trusted and that i couldnt be your forever

did you know i meant it?

did i?

is it my fault for letting you say yes, despite that? should i have let that warning become my hard no?

recklessness

a year of drugs and quarantine

a suicide attempt

the break in

moving

have we accomplished anything? we wanted to be together but why? were we just scared kids on the run leaning on eachother for support?

was that all we had to bond us?

a year later thats gone, its history and maybe so are we

can i really keep at this? how do i leave if i want to? how do i tell you?

i dont want to break your delicate heart, but i cant let mine die for your sake and i cant lie to you and keep saying i love you

i dont know that i ever did

maybe this whole thing was just me hurting you, using you, escaping my own life because the stress was too much

you make me feel like an abuser, but i dont want to hurt you, never wanted to hurt you, but i have to one last time so you can be free im sorry im sorry im sorry

is that a coping mechanism?

you told me you wanted to kill yourself because of me

is it selfish to think of this as me 'freeing' you imstead of just a brutal final heartbreak in a series of disappointments for you?

you told me i make you feel worthless

but you stayed, but you stayed, so why? what did you gain? me? just by existing i seem to hurt you, i get frustrated and angry, im constantly depressed and unhappy and unfun, i dont want to live in this house, we dont communicate correctly

i could spare you ever having to deal with me again, i cant be yhe love of your life because she would love you back without ever being so unsure she debated for months over what to do without ever mentioning a word

i dont want you to decide for me

i want you to want to leave me

why? why am i like this? i dont have answers, im sorry, im not ready for a relationship this serious, i want to go home

i want to go away

im sorry im sorry im sorry

you dont need to forgive me, i know this whole thing was horrific and that ill be burned into your psyche for years to come

you may even mention me in therapy

is it wrong for me to want to leave when you love me and i can see that but i still just cant seem to find anything attractive

i constantly think i could do better and i could because the bar is fairly low but its your heart, your heart baby, how cruel could i be to break it on purpose

and then i remember who i am and what im like and why i dont get super close with people because i can and will hurt them without caring, without second thought

i dont hesitate and i dont notice

im selfish

im destructive

i want to die and i cant seem to stop being like this

i never should have gotten close enough to you to make that your problem

im sorry im sorry im sorry

#fuck #me #long post #i have anxiety #this is what my mind is like every fucking minute of every day

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gayregis · 4 years

Note

what are your opinions on the rats? especially mistle and ciri.

incredibly good question thank you anon

i feel that the arc should be taken for what it is: an impressionable teenager who has lost everybody. i feel that it was a great way to take ciri’s character in. when we meet her, we have this prissy princess who has a strong personality but little to back it up because she’s just a child. then then experiences a horrible trauma, one that scars her for life. she could have perished, but she survives, and under the training from both of her parents, she matures and learns self-discipline. but then she loses everything, again. and this time, in constrast, she does not have anyone to rely upon and guide her. so, she buckles and becomes the opposite of what her parents guided her to be. lost and alone, she turns to the company of cruel banditry and adopts their ways of dealing with things. she uses the skills she learned to defend herself in attack against others. then, when she is confronted with evil, she turns from this self and tries to chase what she had learned in the beginning from her parents, and it’s left ambiguous as to if she ever achieved it again.

it’s a fantastic concept of a character arc and i feel it goes under the radar because she is just a child in the beginning of it, so people mistake her as not being the focus of the series. but slowly, she gains agency in time of contempt, and then you realize that she really is the point of the series.

so, it’s a great concept. but how about how it was executed? i feel like it was done about 90% well, but there were parts that made me cringe.

to begin with, let’s consider ciri’s character and how it is treated a little more:

ciri already exhibits many of the traits that came out in her during her time with the rats. when she meets geralt, she threatens to chop of his head. then in time of contempt, she has that vision in the korath desert about sending all of her loved ones to the gallows. i think there was good buildup to her being as horrible as we see her in the rats arc.

not only her pieces in the story, but others speaking ABOUT her; triss in blood of elves having the vision where ciri is dubbed the elder blood, dandelion’s chapter prelude in time of contempt which is an excerpt from half a century of poetry where he says that she just looked like a regular girl, but no one could have ever predicted what she would bring upon them.

and geralt and ciri having that argument in blood of elves when they disagree about the purpose of a sword. geralt sees it as a burden, because it was placed upon him without a choice as a child. it is something he carried out of obligation. ciri sees it as freedom because it is something she learned to make her feel strong and confident and to heal from her trauma at cintra. she sees it as the solution to her problems, revenge will solve everything. though we see her deviate from this mindset in time of contempt when she refuses to kill cahir in cold blood, it comes back to her in the form of plain all-out violence.

it’s not revenge against just the black knight who has wronged her and haunted her nightmares, because he never existed. without someone to direct her anger to now, she is taking revenge out on THE WHOLE WORLD for hurting her. she explains so in tower of the swallow when she speaks with vysogota, that not only her parents who she had found and had a chance to love, but all of her ideals and values had abandoned her. it’s the perfect setup. she has clear character motivations.

i used to be upset because i simplified this in my mind to being just sapkowski saying that revenge is bad and trauma makes you a bad person, but it’s really not that at all. instead, i feel like he is arguing that BLIND revenge on a person is a bad thing. cahir didn’t deserve death at thanedd, so ciri spared him in mercy which was good. she thought before she killed. but once she started taking her pain out on the world, the innocent, the scared just as she was, that was wrong. trauma didn’t make her into a bad person, she just fell into bad ways because she was experiencing such a harsh life and was surrounded by bad influences. in the end, you get to decide if she ever became a better person after this and healed/redeemed herself.

so the fact that the rats existed is good. it helps ciri develop as a character.

something that makes me cringe is how ciri/mistle was treated. i read in an interview that was translated on reddit that sapkowski wanted to invert the trope of the princess/Really Important Superpower Girl always falling in love with a knight/a bunch of male love interests, so he said, surprise, she’s a lesbian. this i think is a really good idea, as a lesbian i support this and think it is a good inversion of the stale trope. what i do not appreciate is almost everything about how it was handled.

for starters, let’s think about mistle’s character. she used to be a noble, but then became a bandit so she could continue to live a life of luxury. what? that is a very poor representation of why crime happens. the rats pretty much all follow this idea of robbing so they can have a little luxury, which is... just a little illogical. i much more appreciate what he did with angouleme’s character, where she and her fellow orphans became bandits out of necessity because they were escaping from evil and needed to survive, and then faced many hardships. i think it was meant to be this way though, because the rats are pretty much meant to be really dislikable and have few redeeming qualities.

i don’t think the way ciri joins the rats is horrible, i think it was one of her lowest points, and it makes sense for her to be at her lowest, most desperate point when she, a former princess, joins banditry. but ok. im gonna talk about the thing that no one ever wants to talk about

why did there have to be a r*pe scene, sapkowski??? why????? this was so unnecessary and stupid and out of place! ciri is like 15 here too! it’s just like ughhhh... i get that it was intended to be more trauma for ciri (because she totally doesn’t have enough of that already /sarcasm) but it was really... just gross to read... even as a 17 yo reading it, i felt gross and skipped a lot. i feel like sapkowski wanted to create very unredeemable characters, and he succeeded with this, but it was just a little much. but more importantly, this sets ciri and mistle’s relationship up to be horrifically unhealthy.

and when i think about that interview i read where he said he wanted to invert the tropes and make ciri a lesbian, this is what hurts, because he could have actually had her have a healthy lesbian relationship, but instead the lesbian relationship was predatory and gross, and even more, the only time we see her in love with a woman is during this arc. this arc, when she is not only misguided and impressionable, but cruel, vicious, and being a horrible person. then it’s suggested she begins to like the knights that sapkowski was supposedly trying to not make her fall in love with (this is why the interview confuses me) in lady of the lake when she admires cahir’s eyes and has that awkward run-in with galahad (and in something ends, something begins when she fights alongside galahad and sits next to him at the wedding feast, etc). in the end, it doesn’t come off as bisexuality, instead it just comes off as “when you’re evil and killing people, you are a nasty lesbian,” and “when you are smart and have redeemed yourself to fight for the forces of good, you fall in love with men.” it’s weird how the only time she is in love with a woman is when she is in her “rebellious teenager phase,” it sounds like when some women say, “i was a lesbian in high school/college.” it doesn’t help that practically the only other lesbian in the series is philippa eilhart, who devoted her time to trying to abduct ciri away from her parents so she could use her as a political pawn. so yeah, it’s horrible representation. the OTHER thing i hate is that the gender non-conforming lesbian, mistle, is like the evil one who kills and r*pes. like, seriously? what could have been done to make this better would be to have other highly-coded lesbian characters (cough, cough... milva barring... cough) be butch lesbians, to show representation that isn’t wholly violent. it’s also because mistle is the one that initiates the relationship with ciri, that mistle is the homophobic ‘predatory lesbian’ trope who ‘turned ciri lesbian’ lol. it’s pretty fucked up.

what could have been done to make it better would be to just make ciri have a consentful relationship with mistle (and lower their age gap, i think mistle is around 19???) and for ciri to have feelings for other women or admire women’s looks outside of this time of her life. i think it was a nice/funny touch when she was stunned by margarita laux-antille’s body in time of contempt, but i am wary of this too because i don’t know if sapkowski’s intention here was to just say that margarita was sexy or that ciri was a gay child lol.

i feel like mistle sexually assaulting ciri was a later addition to the story, because they interact pretty healthily otherwise? it doesn’t seem like mistle is overly manipulating ciri in like, any other scene. in something ends, something begins, ciri speaks of her in tones of respect and like, wanting revenge because she loved her, and in the saga she wants revenge for all the rats but specifically for mistle. it’s just super weird to have what started their relationship be sexual assault, because it just makes the whole thing rotten.

i feel the rats overall got very little development and time as characters, which is probably for the best because they really can be summarized with ease as bad influences to ciri, there’s not much else needed to elaborate upon. i don’t feel mad about not getting a lot of time with the rats. baptism of fire largely follows geralt and the company he is accruing, who actually have like, backstories and drama and things.

as for the rats’ deaths, this is a parallel between ciri and geralt. when the rats died *, i knew that the hansa was fated to die, as well. geralt and ciri both lose their companies that influenced them heavily in contrasting manners (geralt became a better person and let people into his life and took responsibility, ciri absorbed cruelty and violent ways of venting her aggression and feelings of being wronged). sapkowski went total gore-filled anime scene when depicting their deaths, and really set up bonhart as the absolute vilest antagonist. of course it was horrific, this is an adult’s fantasy series after all, and even though it was nauseating to read, i don’t think they could have died in any other way. they did not have noble deaths, for they were not noble people. and sapkowski depicted violent death in a very realistic way, that is what slaughter is like.

i think ciri mourning the rats even though they were bad people is appropriate. just because they were bad people and influenced her in bad ways does not necessarily mean that she realizes this and views them poorly. if you read her statement to vysogota in time of contempt about when all her values failed her but she found support in the most surprising of places, it makes sense that she would care for them even if they were horrible.

* even though it was already insinuated to me that the hansa would die because i just began blood & wine when i started to read the witcher books (i mean, milva and cahir are not mentioned by geralt & regis within the beginning scenes of blood & wine (i had yet to meet angouleme in tos) so it is suggested that they died).

TLDR: remove the r*pe scene and it’s fine...?

an afterthought and footnote: that scene with hotspurn was NOT necessary. or more specifically, the idea that a 15/16 yo girl could catch feelings for some 30-yo man and have those feelings deeply and explicitly elaborated upon is really stupid, but more importantly, out of place in the narrative, it was completely useless. it’s creepy and gross.

#long post /#ask #anon #the rats #ciri #the witcher #Anonymous

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livlepretre · 3 years

Note

God I wanna pick at your brain so much. Its made me cry so many times that I don't even mind anymore. Okay, so, which is the strongest character you've come across in books/movies/shows? And what was the moment that you fell in love with Elena as a character? Also, which incident made you disappointed in her within the first 4 seasons, if any? Please humor me. You've made me discover my hidden interviewer... ❤

Pick away! And 💙💙💙your tears are watering the fic, thank you, it needs them to grow

Hmmmm I think I’d have to go with Rand al’Thor from the Wheel of Time book series for the first question (soon to be a tv show if covid ever allows them to finish filming season 1!). Rand’s role in the book series is very much so the “chosen one” storyline, which is terribly fun to read but completely horrific and soul-scouring for him to experience, but what really gets me about his character is the emotional depths that the writer plumbs with him. I tend to gravitate toward stories about depression-- not surprising, I’ve had some serious bouts with it myself over the past 15 years-- and there’s just something about the intimacy of Rand’s emotional portrait as he spirals and burns-- his depression, his trauma and ptsd, the friendships that wither and the ones that turn out to be so profound and deep that they will not abandon him, even at the bitter end, the terrible anxiety and stress and anger and all of those things Rand feels that boil along... really truly awful things happen to Rand, and Rand does really truly awful things himself, but I suppose that what I love the very most, and the reason I’m so often misty-eyed whenever I read about Rand in the later books in the series is that there’s this thread of hope-- sometimes so thin it can be totally overlooked-- that runs through the whole thing. Hope that he will prevail, that he will make it over the finish line. Hope that he can figure out how to be a good man (again?). Hope that he will forgive himself. Rand really embodies the mantra that I told myself so often in my darkest times: when you can’t hold on, hold on-- and I can’t recommend going on that journey with him enough. (also in other news he’s a hero that hits all of my villain kinks so I am L I V I N G for that)

Had to think about this for a bit with Elena-- because the thing is, there were definitely moments where I liked her a lot in season 1-- honestly I usually can’t be compelled to watch a show or read a book unless the main character is my favorite/I at least like them a lot, since, you know, we have to spend most of our time with them-- I really liked her when she slapped Damon during the Halloween party, I really liked her when she drank at the bar with Bree, I really liked her during the whole “steal the grimoire!” and 50′s dance arc. Like I mentioned above, I tend to be really sympathetic to characters who are depressed, and characters who are grieving, so it’s possible I was really predisposed to empathize with her. I think the moment I LOVED her though was in Let The Right One In, when Damon told her to wait in the car and then Elena completely disobeyed him and snuck into the house and saved Stefan herself. That was the first hint that Elena was willing to take HUGE risks, and that she had this uncanny bravery that bordered on suicidal and also it was a stunning display of her loyalty and her love. So, that entire thing just S E N T me.

The disappointed question is really hard, because so long as the writing is good, I tend to really enjoy it when characters do bad or uncomfortable things-- things which in real life of course would have me on the war path, but which I tend to revel in when I’m watching. For example, if I were to try to judge Elena not as a tv show character but as a person, then definitely the whole thing with Damon would be a disappointment-- she should have wanted nothing to do with him after the way he used Caroline in season 1, and of course, the fact that he’s unstable to the nth degree-- but it’s a vampire tv show and so I have always understood the Damon/Elena thing as embodying the storyline of being seduced into darkness/metaphorical death, and yes, it’s terrible terrible terrible, but Elena is pretty much defenseless against it as a young orphan girl with no parents to guide her or offer her support, and no friends truly capable of it because they are also still kids (and because honestly a 26 year old aunt unused to laying down the law is not a sufficient substitute no matter how hard she tries). There’s a narrative reason why Elena is an orphan and it’s to make her vulnerable to Damon (and to Stefan, whom I think is pretty much as bad, he just pretends he isn’t for his own piece of mind). So, even when she falls in love with Damon, I’m not disappointed-- it’s the storyline I was watching and expecting because it’s a vampire tv show and that is what I signed up for. (I would say I was disappointed in the tv show for failing to make it as disturbing as it should have been though)

So I think my only real source of disappointment in Elena is in season 4 onwards when basically she drops Stefan off of her romantic radar as soon as she decides they’re breaking up. This was my biggest problem with TVD in general, and where whatever was holding the increasingly fragile storytelling together really started to fall apart. For years I had chomped at the bit for Delena, but I didn’t want just “Damon and Elena get together and that’s that!” I wanted a reversal of the Stefan/Elena/Damon love triangle wherein Damon and Elena would be together but that tension and longing and understanding with Stefan would still exist and make Delena maybe untenable the way that Stelena had been. The show was really built on the complication of not just having a love triangle with both brothers in love with the unfortunately polyamorous girl, but with the brothers having their own relationship to deal with. The problem with knocking the Stefan/Elena leg off of the triangle is that it just made the Damon/Stefan leg shakier and it made the Damon/Elena leg much more boring than it needed to be.

I guess I do have disappointment in the writing for Elena from the time she is turned into a vampire onward. When she was human, the writers made a huge effort to think of ways to make her a power broker in the group-- she was always negotiating, tricking, daggering, pulling dangerous stunts like slitting her own throat or stabbing herself or falling backwards off of those bleachers in order to trick her adversaries and win. The best thing about Elena was that she had this cunning mind and a ruthless streak that was shockingly cruel and balanced so well against her loving and kind nature. When she became a vampire, they just started having her use super speed and super strength to solve all of her problems instead of having her outwit her opponents and that was dull as dishwater.

Also I’ve mentioned this before but I am dreadfully disappointed in her grasp of history (but that could be the school system’s fault, they jump all over the place in history class without any rhyme or reason as far as I can tell). I die a little bit inside whenever I have to hear her describe 1492!Katerina as “the sweet peasant girl.” Like, I’m sorry, Elena, how does a sweet peasant girl in 1492 find the resources and connections to travel all the way to England to cover up her scandalous pregnancy? It seems more likely that Katherine’s father was a land owner of some wealth or connection, and it frankly just embarrasses me so much to think of Elijah hearing her say this. (like, this isn’t having a problem with the idea of Katherine as a peasant, it’s just that she so obviously wasn’t that it just comes across as so painfully absurd and ignorant and also weirdly belittling of the peasants, like, oh, this sweet peasant girl, so innocent! so naive to the ways of the world! give! me! a! break!)

#anonymous #elena gilbert

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 5 years

Text

The Girl Next Door (Part 7) - Hunter’s Garage

Summary: Dean brings Jack to his first day of work and has a chat with his buddies about his new girlfriend...

The Girl Next Door Masterlist

Pairing: Neighbor/Mechanic!Dean x baker!reader

Word Count: 3,400ish

Warnings: language

A/N: Parts of this series are told from two different POV’s. Dean’s POV are written from limited third person. Reader’s POV are second person (like a typical reader insert). Enjoy!…

Dean’s POV

“Later, Eileen. Sam’s extra rascally today so I’d keep an eye on him,” teased Dean on the way out of the house the next morning.

“Oh but that just makes it more fun,” she said, laughing when she heard Sam shout for her inside. “Have a good day at work, Dean.”

“You too,” said Dean, hopping down the front steps. He glanced over, catching Jack sitting on Y/N’s front porch, looking over. “Well get over here. We got work.”

Jack was across the yard like that, sliding into the passenger seat of Baby quickly. Dean turned on a quiet rock station and backed out, heading for town.

“So, how’d last night go?” asked Dean. “At your sister’s.”

“Good,” said Jack, staring out the window. “I’m sorry for being rude the other morning.”

“S’all good,” said Dean. “You feeling any better?”

“In a way. Just…”

“Just…” said Dean.

“Y/N’s expecting a lot from me. I don’t want to screw it up,” he said.

“Jack, buddy. Your sister wants you to be happy again, trust me. She doesn’t want to stress you out. She wants to help. A job gives you some responsibility and independence and the whole curfew thing, I think that’s more so she knows you’re home safe at the end of the day,” said Dean.

“I’m not...I don’t want to hurt myself. I can’t believe I ever thought that way in the first place,” he said. “She’s the one that made me realize the mistake I was making.”

“Well it sounds like life was a bit rough for ya. You ever get feeling like that again though, talk to your sister. She ain’t around, come find me or Sammy or one of the guys from the shop once you get to know ‘em,” said Dean.

“You don’t even know me. Why would you even care?” asked Jack.

“I care about your sister. Probably more than I should for how short a time we’ve known each other. But your sister cares about our family too so we pay that back. She doesn’t have a lot out there so that means taking care of you is pretty important to me. You get that?” said Dean.

“You like her so you want me to be okay,” said Jack.

“Yeah but, I get what it’s like to have asshole parents, even if ours fixed their shit. It’s hard being the big brother.”

“You’ve never tried to off yourself,” he said.

“No. I haven’t. But I understand what it is to feel low, feel you’re less than other people. You’re not, Jack. Try, for your sister, and for me. She’s not trying to babysit you or control you. She wants you to be okay, that’s it.”

“You must really like her, huh?” said Jack, cracking a smile.

“Shut up,” said Dean, smiling in return. “Let’s go survive your first shift. You’ll have to get a ride in days I’m not working but-”

“That’s fine. I’ll manage,” said Jack. “Promise.”

“Pst,” said Dean, waving over Benny from where he was talking to Cas at the front desk. “How’s the new kid doing?”

“Kid barely knows what a steering wheel is,” deadpanned Benny.

“Come on, dude,” groaned Dean.

“I’m not gonna cut him loose. He’s a bit green is all. He’s your girl’s brother? As long as he shows up to work and learns, he’s more than welcome,” said Benny. “Unlike our suit wearing friends.”

“Really,” said Cas. “I work in a doctor’s office, Benjamin.”

“Oh. Benjamin,” said Dean with a smirk. Benny whacked him in the back of the head, leaning back against the counter. “Ass.”

“Aren’t you like, supposed to be helping people sort out their shit?” asked Benny. “I mean, we know you’re a lazy ass but golf don’t start this early in the day, hm?”

“You’re a little shit, Benny,” said Cas with a big smile.

“Love you too, kitten,” said Benny.

“We need a boys night,” said Cas. “Been a few weeks.”

“More like a month. Last one we had was before Sam had his accident, wasn’t it?” said Benny.

“I kind of got a date on Saturday,” said Dean. “At that music festival.”

“Oh, what a refined gentleman we have,” said Benny.

“I bet he bought supreme nachos, not just the basic kind,” said Cas.

“Fancy,” teased Benny.

“I really like Y/N, assholes, and I basically have zero time to actually be a good boyfriend and take her out and-”

“Dude. We’re fucking with you. Go hang with your girlfriend. We’ve only known you for like our whole lives,” said Cas. “We can handle a boys night without Dean Winchester.”

“Hey, you know what? Why don’t we have boys night at Sam’s place on Friday? Invite your girlfriend over and the new kid. We’ll keep it tamer than normal but we can keep an eye on ‘im, you know?” said Benny.

“Tamer than normal? We ain’t visiting Cas at college anymore,” teased Dean.

“I still do not remember what happened spring break my senior year,” said Cas.

“We do,” said Dean with a laugh. “If Sammy’s good with it then sure. Couple rules though.”

“Eh, we know Avy’s around. We’ll behave,” said Benny.

“No, I know. I mean...like no messing with Sam like normal, like taking his beanie off or something,” said Dean.

“Hey, we’re all for mentally scarring little Sam, been doing it since we were kids. We ain’t going to actually be cruel though. We like the pup.”

“Pup that turned out to be bigger than all three of us,” said Cas.

“Yeah, why you so short, Winchester?” asked Benny.

“Shut your face hole,” said Dean with a laugh. He saw Jack walk over a bit nervously, swallowing before he came to a stop. “What’s up, Jack?”

“I uh, I finished changing the oil,” said Jack. “What should I do now?”

Benny looked over to the wall and up at the clock.

“Take your break,” said Benny.

“But I’m only part time. I shouldn’t-”

“When boss man tells you to take a break, you take a break,” said Dean. “Besides, I got a buddy of ours I want you to meet. Jack, this horrifically ugly human being over here is Castiel. We call him Cas.”

“Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t your friend,” said Cas, turning and giving Jack a smile. “I’m sure you’ve learned the joys of working in a garage with a bunch of brutes already.”

“Oh, they’re great,” said Jack.

“Cas is just jealous cause he has to do office bullshit all day,” said Benny.

“And I get to work with three very attractive women,” said Cas. “Including my girlfriend.”

“Dammit,” muttered Benny.

“S’okay. You’ll get him next time,” said Dean, nodding Benny away. “Give us a minute?”

“Mhm,” hummed Benny, going to check out Jack’s work. Jack looked back and forth between Dean and Cas, Dean breaking out into a laugh.

“Relax, Jack. Cas works in the same office as the therapist that worked with my parents. Cas is the junior partner there. He deals more with younger folks or kids most of the time,” said Dean.

“Oh,” said Jack.

“Dean explained a little bit of your situation to me, Jack, without giving specifics. We spoke last night and after talking it over with my senior partners, I think maybe you and I should work together,” said Cas.

“Okay,” said Jack.

“Do you want to work with me, Jack?” asked Cas. “It’s important to find someone you feel comfortable with. We can go take a walk around the block and if you don’t think we’re a fit, that’s perfectly okay and I’ll help you find somebody that is, alright?”

“Why are you helping me?” asked Jack.

“Dean and I and Benny...we’re shits to each other because we’re best friends. We help each other. I almost dropped out of school when those two bozos drove for five hours in the middle of the night and stayed in my dorm and talked me out of it. It’s not easy to find people that care about you, Jack. It’s not. But they’re out there, sometimes right in front of your face and you just don’t know it yet. If you need help, I want to help,” said Cas. “That night is why I changed majors and went into therapy instead. I like helping people. If you’ll let me that is.”

“Do you think I’m nuts?” he asked.

“No. I think very few people are ‘nuts’ Jack. Those people, it’s very easy to see that there is something off and I believe it’s because they are missing something in them. It’s not their fault, it’s how they were born. But most of us, all of us, we all have issues and fear. You strike me as someone that needs a bit of love and compassion again is all. Certainly not nuts,” said Cas.

“But…” said Jack. Cas lifted his chin.

“I don’t care what other doctors said. Understand? We’ll start from scratch. Let’s go take that walk, alright?” he said. Jack nodded, following Cas outside the garage.

“Thank you,” mouthed Dean, Cas giving him a smile back.

“Cas gonna take care of the kid?” asked Benny when he wandered back over.

“Yeah. He’ll probably end up mayor or something now,” teased Dean. “How’d he do on the oil?”

“Pretty good. A little slow but better than I expected for a first time,” he said. “I think he used to work with his hands. They’re rougher than I was thinking they’d be.”

“I’m not sure what he used to do. He’s a little older than Y/N and it doesn’t sound like he went to college. I know he didn’t follow their parents plan for him so who knows,” said Dean.

“Speaking of your little gal,” said Benny, nodding across the street, Y/N carrying two pink boxes into a store. “She ain’t from around here, right?”

“No. We didn’t go to school with her. Probably wouldn’t have had a shot back then,” said Dean.

“What are you talking about? You dated pretty much every girl in school.”

“Exactly,” said Dean.

“When’s the last time you had a girlfriend Deano? Like a real one?” asked Benny.

“Lisa,” said Dean.

“So forever ago,” said Benny.

“I’ve been on plenty of dates since,” said Dean.

“You scared of this new girl, huh,” said Benny.

“The one’s I really liked...Cassie found problems with me. Jo did. Lisa did. Y/N will too I’m sure,” said Dean.

“Yeah, I’m sure she’ll hate the fact you’re helping out her brother so much. That’s a real asshole move,” said Benny, rolling his eyes.

“We’ve gone out by ourselves once. Once. Somebody’s going to the hospital every other day around here and she’ll find out I’m an idiot soon enough,” said Dean. Benny was quiet, wiping off the counter. “Benny…don’t. I’m shooting the shit is all.”

“You’ve been this way since we were kids. I never understood it,” said Benny. “You’re the smartest guy I know.”

“Sammy’s the smartest guy you know,” said Dean.

“Hey. I’m trying to compliment you here,” said Benny. Dean rolled his eyes, moving to go back to work when Benny tsked him. “If it makes you feel any better, your girl is fixing her ponytail in the window across the street and keeps glancing over here. Oh, now she’s taking it down, putting it up again...hm, now she’s just put a hat from her back pocket on. Looks like one of yours. Oh, she threw her head back, she’s pointing at her shirt. Looks like something pink on that white shirt of hers. Must be a stain.”

“Hey, Mr. DVD commentary. Your point?” said Dean.

“My point is Y/N’s fixing herself up and walking over here in a white little tee and short shorts and I should really start talking to my neighbors if you’re anything to go by,” teased Benny.

“Shut up,” said Dean, rolling his eyes, spinning around just in time to give her a smile.

Reader’s POV

“Hi, Dean,” you said, trying to keep your arm over the splotch of pink food dye on your shirt.

“Well hi, beautiful,” he said. Benny pretended to gag and walked away, Dean taking a deep breath. “Excuse the neanderthal.”

“Oh, I already like your friends,” you said, looking around. “I was making a delivery, wanted to see how Jack’s first day was going.”

“Good. He’s getting the hang of everything. He’ll do fine,” said Dean.

“Awesome. Thank you for getting him in here. I think getting him feeling normal and in a regular routine will be good for him,” you said. “Thank Benny for me too.”

“Ain’t no problem, cher,” said Benny, your face in a wince.

“It’s a garage. Voices tend to carry,” said Dean, stepping outside with you. “I really should get back to work. Been talking more than working today it seems.”

“Oh, sorry. I-”

“Still ain’t a problem, cher. Slow this morning anyways,” said Benny.

“Thank you, Benjamin,” said Dean, chuckling as he pulled you around the corner of the building. “Sorry. Yeah, Jack’s okay.”

“You too?” you asked. “You seem a little...stressed.”

“I worry about stuff,” said Dean.

“I’ve noticed,” you teased. “I actually did have a reason to stop by though. I hit a pothole this morning and my back wheel is making a weird noise now.”

“Weird nose huh. Those are my favorite,” he said. “Pull her in. We’ll take a look if you got time.”

“Sure thing.”

“Looks like you got a flat is all. Slow leak which is why you ain’t driving on the rim yet,” said Benny. “We can pop on a new one like that.”

“How much that gonna cost me?” you asked.

“Well small business to small business, maybe we can negotiate some kind of deal?” asked Benny.

“I’m listening,” you said, Benny smirking as Dean went to go look for a tire in the back.

“A box of your pastries every Friday morning through the summer, until September starts up. Jack can bring ‘em in,” he said. “Deal?”

“You realize you’re losing money, right?” you said.

“Yeah but we get fresh pastries every Friday. Plus you get the family discount,” he said. “So we got a deal?”

“Deal,” you said, shaking his hand.

“Hey, Jack,” called Benny. You looked behind you, Jack saying something to a man in a suit on the sidewalk before he took off. “You ever change a tire before?”

“No,” said Jack.

“Well you can learn on your sister’s car,” said Benny. “Dean’ll show ya.”

While Dean rolled out a tire, Jack explained who Cas was and that he had a timeslot from two to three o’clock everyday that would work perfect for him. He seemed excited but you didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. You were just happy he was willing to talk to someone.

Fifteen minutes later, you had a new tire on and Dean was patting Jack on the back for a job well done.

“Thanks. I gotta run home and do some more baking. I’ll see you guys later,” you said.

You were halfway home when you took a slight detour, hoping you had enough space in the back for it.

“Y/N, I’m home,” said Jack, walking into the kitchen about two hours later. “I brought home some carrots for you as requested.”

“Thank you. I wanted to make up a carrot cake tomorrow. That’s still your favorite, right?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting down at the counter. “You’re very good at this. Baking, I mean.”

“Honestly, I started doing it because I couldn’t sit around sad anymore. We used to love doing it with grandma I remember,” you said.

“She’s the one that told me I didn’t have to be a doctor if I didn’t want to be,” he said.

“Grandma was awesome,” you said with a laugh. “I still got some of her recipes I’ve wanted to try but you know me and her handwriting.”

“You have the worst handwriting in the world. Totally had that part of being a doctor down,” he teased. “I can try to interpret for you if you want.”

“Yes please,” you said, grabbing a bag of frosting. “Hey, you want to help me decorate some of these? Good destressor.”

“I’m not any good. I don’t want to mess ‘em up,” he said.

“You won’t,” you said, handing him a bag. “Come here.”

He stood and walked around the counter, watching you show him how to hold it and squeeze the tip. He was pretty sloppy and you could see him getting anxious, shoulders stiffening up.

“You know when I was in med school, I accidentally gave the wrong dosage of medicine to a patient. I almost killed him,” you said. You felt his stare but you kept on working on your own cookies. “I was terrified to treat a patient again. But I did.”

“How?” he asked.

“My dorky big brother called me one night, he was venting about mom and dad. Apparently they called him a failure, again, which was a shitty thing of them I thought but he told me that it didn’t matter that he screwed up because he would just try again. I never told him but that really meant a lot to me,” you said, finishing up your sheet. You set down your frosting and grabbed one of his cookies, taking a bite out of it. “S’good.”

“Can I help out with the bakery in the afternoons after therapy? I don’t want to be paid. I’d like to...learn to destress,” he said.

“Yeah. I’d like the company,” you said. “Would you mind grabbing me a new bag of flour? I forgot it in the back of my car. In the garage.”

Jack thankfully didn’t pick up on the fact your car was parked in the driveway and headed outside, returning back through the door twenty seconds later with a cock of his head.

“Really?” he said. “A bike?”

“Well my car won’t always be available and exercise is good for you. Until you get your own wheels, you got a way to get into town at least if I’m not around,” you said.

“How much that cost ya?” he asked.

“Call it last year’s birthday present,” you said. “Wear your helmet too.”

“Seriously,” he said.

“I don’t know, maybe go talk to our neighbor with brain trauma, get his opinion on it,” you said.

“I missed you being a little shit,” he said with a smile.

“I missed you too. Go take it for a spin around the block, doofus,” you said.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, stopping halfway out the door. “Hey, can I cook dinner tonight? Like, I get to pick?”

“As long as it’s not revolting, sure,” you said. “Oh and as long as you’re living here, you’re doing your share of the chores, got it? So you’re making dinner at least three times a week, deal?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, stepping outside. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

“Have fun, Jack.”

A/N: Read Part 8 here!

#spn #supernatural #dean x reader #dean winchester #au #mechanic!dean #spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #spn reader insert #supernatural reader insert

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protectserve · 4 years

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velouria here, finally writing the bio of everyone’s (or nobody’s) favorite police captain! he’s been in charming for twelve years, but only became captain two years ago. tries to run a clean station, focused on stopping the gangs of new york charming from hurting innocent people. an emotionally distant father that’s trying to rectify that with his daughter minnie coming back to town. very dour, but ultimately an okay guy. here’s his details, it’s LONG AS FUCK so if you read it all i will give you five gold stars!!:

content warnings: cancer, death, depression, brief mentions of alcoholism, classism

born in detroit, michigan on february 3rd, 1967. the third in a line of five boys, rick was a bit of a quiet, unassuming child. his childhood was relatively normal, he liked star trek and riding his bike, listened to new rock records with his older brothers, but he didn’t realize how poor his family was until he was in middle school—not that he was particularly unobservant, it was just everyone in his neighborhood was poor.

he hadn’t dreamt of being a cop like some kids did, his parents were vaguely anti-government, and with the attitudes towards cops in the seventies, rick never thought he’d become one. it wasn’t his plan, but after he graduated high school, he was working a series of dead end jobs. by 21, he was utterly aimless, and his other brothers hadn’t fared any better, some even turning to crime. he was looking for structure, a reason to get up in the morning, and some buddies from high school applying to the police academy was enough for rick to follow suit, much to his family’s dismay.

rick didn’t start out the same cop he is now. literally, because he’s a captain now, but his ideals have shifted greatly. at the start, even after the academy indoctrination rituals, it was only a job to him. it wasn’t great money, but he was a single man and really, for any kelleher child, any money was good money. he really didn’t take it seriously, or not as seriously as he was supposed to, but he figured it was just a job for awhile. he didn’t know it would become his life.

just because he wasn’t fanatical about it didn’t mean he wasn’t good at it, or that he hated being a cop. it was hard to have a family that belittled his profession and then beg him to save them whenever they got into trouble, and it was a dangerous job. no one wanted to be a beat cop in detroit, but rick started to gain a real appreciation for his city. a job that was supposed to be just a job became important to him. he wanted the people he saw on the streets every day to be safe, he wanted them to live in a nice place, a guy that needed meaning in life found it in the police force.

it wasn’t always so meaningful. sometimes, like most of his fellow officers, he debated quitting. he saw his friends in the department get shot, get stabbed, die in many different ways. he had to be cruel to be kind, and sometimes just cruel. it wasn’t exactly a fun job, but a brotherhood did grow between him and his fellow officers, and soon he wasn’t sure if he could be anything other than a cop.

his priorities shifted instantly the moment he saw zhilan ‘lilian’ wu, a student at wayne state university. she was with her friends at a chicken shack on a regular tuesday night in 1991 and rick had never seen someone so beautiful in his entire life. lilian didn’t think much of him when she first saw him, really. he was cute, but he was a cop and a bit of a dorky one at that. frankly, she was out of his league, but they kept running into each other while he was on patrol and when her apartment was broken into, she called 911 and hoped he would be the one to respond. lucky for the both of them, he was, and he didn’t leave until he gave her his personal phone number. (they never did catch the person that broke in.)

from that first date, they were inseparable. they fell madly in love, the sort of kind that happens only once, the kind that happens in movies or romance novels. for a guy that didn’t give much thought to starting a family one day, really he thought it would be a bad thing if he was to work such a dangerous job, all he wanted to do was marry lily. to his eternal surprise, she wanted to marry him, too. they were married the same year he was to be promoted to a detective, working on the vice squad.

just a short year after they were married, lily became pregnant. they were both excited but incredibly apprehensive. they were barely out of the honeymoon phase, she was away from her family, and he had just been promoted to detective. they fought a lot, his job was different but just as stressful, and rick wasn’t sure their marriage was going to last. as the months grew on and lily’s belly got bigger, they tried hard to work through their issues, but there was a lot of fear and a bit of resentment. when lily finally went into labor, rick was working a case and only had a matter of an hour to make it to the hospital before baby amelia came. when she did, it was like everything else fell away. every bit of resentment, anger, worry, it all went away like it never existed in the first place. they had been scared, but above all, rick and lily loved each other. deeply.

that doesn’t mean everything was peachy-keen. things were still incredibly stressful, a new baby that lily didn’t have a lot of help with, and rick trying to show his superiors that he was still incredibly devoted to his job while trying to be part of amelia’s rearing as much as humanly possible. by the time their daughter was five months old, lily was at her wit’s end. she wanted help, and while rick’s mother was around to babysit or grocery shop, it wasn’t the same as having her own mother there. lily didn’t set down an ultimatum so much as she begged to go back to boston where she was originally from, and like hell rick would let his wife and baby leave without him. with a bit of persistence, his request for transfer to boston went through, and the kellehers left for another wintry city.

the transition to boston was a little difficult for rick; getting used to a new department, new ground, he hadn’t spent a lot of time with his wife’s family before. lily had her own difficulties, but she took to it better, happy to be near her mother and in the town she grew up in. rick missed his little slice of detroit, but he’d rather be dead than away from lily and minnie (as they began to call her), so he chalked it up to needing a little time to get used to it. it got better once they moved out of his in-laws’ home into an apartment of their own.

assigned to the vice squad like he was back in detroit, it became apparent that it wasn’t a good fit anymore. long stakeouts were easier when he didn’t have a baby at home, and his wife hated it when he went undercover for long periods of time. he put in a request to transfer to the homicide division and while that proved its own set of challenges, it made his family happy that he wasn’t so in the line of fire anymore.

while minor things happened day to day, a partner getting shot, criminals getting off for various reasons, seeing dead bodies practically daily, rick can confidently say it was the happiest time of his life. he got to watch his little girl grow up, he was still so madly in love with lily, and he was even promoted to sergeant after passing his exam. five years later, he was promoted to lieutenant, and it was all just so wonderful before it all came crashing down.

2006, the kellehers move to charming. not that rick particularly wanted to, he was very happy in boston, but his hand was forced. transferred because things were getting notoriously bad in charming, an outlaw motorcycle club clashing with a rising new gang, the police department was basically begging for new blood to help them after several officers died or quit. with the promise of a pay raise and the chance to possibly move up to captain, something he’d never get in his boston precinct, rick tried to think of it as a new opportunity. if he could go back in time, he’d tell himself to never take the job, never even come to the west coast.

charming would never be detroit in the eighties or boston in the nineties, but he was mistaken when he thought a small town police department would make his life easier. this wasn’t a place to ride out into retirement, save cats from trees and settle disputes between elderly neighbors. he didn’t go into it blind, he knew what plagued the town, he had worked cases staking out gang warehouses and testified against the irish mob once, but charming was like something else entirely. the motorcycle club was so intertwined with society that often the citizens trusted them over the police department, and the ones that didn’t hated the department for not forcing the club (or the gang) out for town once and for all. it was an adjustment just like any new transfer, and just like before, he had to shift his ideals.

things were not easy at the start of his tenure as lieutenant, some didn’t like some hotshot cop from boston coming in and trying to clean up the streets of charming, and navigating the tense relationship between the club, the gang, and the department had a steep learning curve. he didn’t always agree with the previous captain, but they had been working charming for a lot longer than he had. even so, if he was to ever run the pd, it would be run differently.

things were not easy at home, either. not that they were horrific, lily and rick had dealt with adapting to a new place before, but the dangers of charming seemed a lot closer to home than back in boston. he feared for his daughter’s safety, almost a teenager, though she was so excited to move to california at the start. his wife was getting weaker, chalking it up to age. his job was difficult, he missed big cities and cold weather and dunkin’ donuts for breakfast. he automatically felt protective over charming and its people, as it was his job, but he didn’t love it like he had detroit, and boston to a lesser degree. rick was noticeably unhappy, but he committed to charming, and even with her faults, she didn’t deserve to be overrun by criminals.

as rick settled into life as a charming cop, his wife was also noticeably unhappy. she missed boston, she missed her family, and she wasn’t feeling well for quite some time. they didn’t find out until it was too late that lily had ovarian cancer. by the time they knew about it, it was like she was already gone. chemo was an option, but it seemed to just be delaying the inevitable and lily refused it, despite how much rick had begged her to at least try it. after only four years living in charming and eight months after being diagnosed, lily kelleher went peacefully in the middle of the night, in bed at home with the two great loves of her life sleeping next to her.

to put it plainly, rick was a fucking mess. he tried to keep it together when lily was still alive and put on a brave face, quite frankly he was in utter denial, but the cracks were visibly showing and after the death of his wife, he went off the deep end. completely swallowed by his grief, he was given bereavement leave but either way, he couldn’t get out of bed. he couldn’t look at his daughter, she looked too much like lily, and the idea of his wife not being around to make dumplings on christmas with minnie or wake him up when he fell asleep watching a western on tv after dinner broke his heart completely. when it was finally time to come back to work, he was a completely different cop, the kind of cop that he hated, aggressive and cruel at no provocation, he began to drink heavily and sob randomly. his captain finally gave him a kick in the ass: either get some help or get off the force.

taking another three weeks of leave, rick spent the first few days still swallowed by grief, but he knew he had to get help, this was no way to live. he started going to a therapist, tried to clean himself up and be there for his daughter. it wasn’t instantaneous and rick began to resent others, as if he should so easily get over the death of his wife, the only woman he’s ever loved, will ever love. he wasn’t better, just going through the motions, and eventually he was able to go back to work. he wasn’t the cop that he was before, and wasn’t the cop he was immediately after, but focusing on his job was the only thing that really got him through his grief and sorrow.

and minnie. he didn’t forget her, or love her any less. the decision he made was a hard one, one that’s hard to justify, but it felt like the only option. before lily died, he saw potential in charming. after, all he could see was its dark corners, as if that’s all there was. tensions were rising between the club and the gang and the department, rick didn’t see an end in sight to the violence, and it was hard to do his job when his mind was constantly drifting to his daughter, fearing for her safety, fearing for mind after losing her mother. four months after lily died, rick had a discussion with minnie, though it was more just telling her what was going to happen. minnie was going to move in with her maternal aunt back in boston, at least for a little while, until rick could get things back in order.

unfortunately a little while ended up being ten years. he didn’t want her to stay away that long, often he missed her so much that he wanted to demand that her aunt send her back, but he knew it was better in the long run. rick could focus on his job and minnie could finish out high school in a much more stable household, near her mother’s family to take care of her and keep her connected to her chinese side. with her safe, far away from charming and well taken care of, rick could dig deep into his work. when he was working a case, he didn’t have to think about how quiet his house now was, or that he was missing minnie’s later teenage years. when his whole life was protecting charming, he was protecting himself. it wasn’t as if he never saw minnie again, he flew out frequently and attended her graduations, but the short term plan for her to live with her aunt quietly turned into a lot longer, and rick got used to his empty house.

his dedication to his work wasn’t all for naught. in 2018, the previous captain retired and rick was promoted in high esteem. since taking command of the station, rick is trying to change things as best as he can, as much as the station and the club/gang will allow. rick is harsh on organized crime, doesn’t believe in fostering a relationship with either syndicate, and will fire anyone he finds out is in their pockets. he wants them out of charming—he doesn’t care if they exist, he just wants them out of his town. and it is his town.

he’s not all tough, though. captain kelleher cares deeply for his officers, his door is always open if they need to talk (or want to transfer), and he’s a warm presence for those on the force. (#cop dad.) it could be said that because he sent his daughter away, he views those under him on the force as his surrogate children, somewhere to put all his paternal affection, but it’s also possible that he’s just a good man at heart. though he hates the crimes that the gang and club commit, he doesn’t want them individually hurt; in fact, he wants them to be better, he wants them to give up the life and go clean. or at the very least, fuck off.

as of a few months ago, his daughter minnie has returned to charming, moving in with rick. though he was apprehensive at first, things in charming actually worse than when she left, and the fact that he hadn’t lived with her in a decade, he’s so happy to have her back, happiest he’s been in a long time. he has gotten quite used to being alone, though, so it’s been a bit of an adjustment to have her back. he really cherishes the time he gets with her but has a hard way of showing it, just like he does with practically anyone; it’s harder with his daughter, though. so much time has passed, so many regrets, he has to get to know his daughter all over again, this time as an adult.

he wasn’t totally alone before she returned, actually. two years before becoming captain, he adopted a black and tan coonhound after her original owners died, the station taking care of the case. with petula (as she was named before he got her) having nowhere to go and hating the idea of her going off to some shelter, rick took her home. there was also the fact that some of his detectives remarked that he was far too lonely and should get a dog lol. sometimes he brings tula to the station so she can hang around in his office, but mostly she just sleeps. she’s a sleepy girl in general, but has a loud ass bark.

hasn’t dated much since lily died. no one will come close to her, obviously, and he’s just a tough nut to crack in general. has a hard time opening up emotionally to anyone, even before lily’s death (it was a frequent problem in their marriage). does have some friends, but they’re also emotionally distant dads in their 50s. they go on an annual fishing trip to just drink some beers and watch airplane disaster reenactment shows and talk about tom clancy novels or whatever it is that dads do.

his job as captain is more administrative than any position he’s had before. he deals with the mayor’s office and the district attorney’s office frequently, so he’s not out on the street visiting crime scenes often unless it’s a huge crime that warrants it, or something officer involved.

secretly smokes despite telling everyone he doesn’t. wears the latest in dad fashion, Dadshion™ if you will. doesn’t smile very often but that doesn’t mean he’s not happy or that he’s mad, he’s just got resting bitch face. tho he is often mad. catch him walking his dog or irritating his daughter!!

wanted stuffs:

if ur character is part of the police department, let me know bc ur character now has a dad. unless you’re a dirty cop, then he’s a very disappointed dad. we’ll plot it all out individually, they can hate or love rick, they used to get along but something happened that soured the relationship, they don’t respect his authority, they think the department should work with the club/gang, whatever!

the constant criminal: if ur muse is constantly in and out of the holding cells at the station, they’ll often see rick. basically at this point when your muse is arrested, he’s rolling his eyes like “kid, we’ve talked about this. if you like here so much, just apply for a job as a file clerk or something.” they’ve got the antagonistic but borderline friendly, familiar relationship that ya see on all the cop shows.

the informant: so i guess this would be a whole thang, your muse informing on either the club or the gang, but someone’s gotta let the pd know what’s going on!! maybe your muse is in the club/gang but has become disillusioned over time, maybe they’re just close to someone in either, idk there’s plenty of reasons! of course their meetings will be in secret, but they’re on file as a CI.

enemies: i mean, he’s the police captain in a town full of criminals. pretty much everyone is an enemy until proven otherwise lol, but y’know your character hates cops and rick doesn’t really care about their opinion. we can discuss the details or maybe they hate cops in general.

friends: rick isn’t like, a totally miserable person. of course his friends would be more around his age and i’m pretty sure rick is currently the only person over 50 lol, but he’s gotta have a pal in someone on the dash!

someone he used to date: as mentioned above, rick isn’t good at dating and has only had like one or two relationships since his wife died, so obviously this relationship didn’t last very long. again, he’s in his 50s and i don’t think there are any female characters over 45, so this one’s a long shot but if you ever wanna bring an older lady and have her date rick in the past, i beg you to do so!! or just more older characters in general!!

someone that remembers minnie from ten years ago and is like “damn dude, that was rude af to send her away the same year her mom died” and he’ll be like suddenly i can’t read.

obviously this post is long as fuck so i don’t need to add to it anymore, but i’ve got tons more ideas! message me here or ask for my discord!

#charming.intro #hold your horses honey. i've got coupons for the pringles. ( ooc. )#it's so long that i only proofread it twice so if there's any glaring typos my stephen king universe twinner did it #just know that i love rick deeply and if you hate him. ur right to do so #but it will hurt my feelings!!

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dwellordream · 4 years

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I’ve been reading haunt/hunt and I absolutely love how you wrote Nell and her story as well as how you flesh out all the female characters in your fic! So far chapter 45 probably made me the most emotional that I have a lot of feels about it. I’d love a Director’s Commentary and your thoughts writing it, especially the dream Nell has about Bethany and the whole grief and rage and pain that comes with it. Also, Walda’s side during her conversation with Nell would be interesting.. thank you!

thank you! I really dreaded all of Nell’s chapters at the Twins because I’d already gotten some backlash over the plot that culminated with Robb’s ‘death’ and her ending up a captive, and I figured frustration was just going to build the longer I spent writing Nell basically treading water at the Twins trying to figure out how she was going to escape. ultimately I’m pleased with how these chapters turned out but at the time I was always a bit anxious and tense when writing and posting them, because I was worried it was just going to be people in the comments going ‘this sucks. why am I reading this, again?’ (not that there isn’t room for criticism of those plot points, I think the pacing of Haunt/Hunt is a bit janky overall, but... not all that much I can do about that at this point haha) I knew the major setpiece of the chapter would be the sept at the Twins, the same one where Edmure and Roslin were just married, the same one that at the Freys presumably pray in... septs are always foreign places for Nell because she wasn’t brought up in that faith, never had a septa, and there was never a sept at the Dreadfort or Barrowton. the obvious contrast here is that the sept is a holy place but it’s also at the site of a massive betrayal, and in the midst of this service Nell is plotting and scheming. there’s also the fact that this takes place shortly after Joffrey’s death, and so the Freys are mourning one boy-king after having just slaughtered another. Nell is so shocked and in grief that she can’t even summon up much triumph at Joffrey’s death, as she acknowledges that they will just crown Tommen instead, who is just a child being manipulated by the adults around him. I think it also highlights a main point of the fic- Haunt/Hunt is not a retelling of the entire ASOIAF story, it’s just narrowly focused on the North and the prominent characters there. I feel bad sometimes because I sometimes think readers are expecting me to suddenly pivot to characters like Dany or Cersei or the Martells, and while obviously their actions have consequences for everyone in Westeros, they’re not really the focus here. finally we get to the convo between Fat Walda and Nell. Walda is obviously very wary of Nell, given recent events and the fact that she’s married to Nell’s father. Nell sees Walda dressed in Bolton colors and thinks about how she used to take such pride in her house, and how when she first met Robb she was pretty snotty and felt him childish and beneath her. she feels horrific guilt over even being married to Robb in the first place, wondering if he’d married someone else he might still be alive and winning the war. she also feels so lost without the one person in her life besides Dana who she felt like really chose her and loved her in spite of her flaws. Nell and Robb’s love story is really crucial to the story as a whole and it obviously still plays a major role even after he’s dead. we then flash back to Walda, who, despite everything that’s happened and her torn loyalties, does genuinely sympathize with Nell and promises to keep Lysara safe. Nell is less than impressed with this, but does warn Walda about Ramsay- although it’s not just from concern for Walda, but fear for Lysara’s safety. she also warns Walda that Roose loves no one and nothing but himself, and whether he treats her well as his wife or not, he can’t be relied upon to keep her safe from Ramsay. Walda does, to her credit, take Nell seriously, and reveals her pregnancy, while confessing that Roose hasn’t, in her opinion, been all that cruel to her, adding that he is a much finer match than she could have ever hoped for as a Frey. many people acknowledge that canonically Walda seems quite pleased with Roose as a husband, praising him in her letters and seeming eager to have children with him and rule the Dreadfort. I wanted to keep some of that while acknowledging that, well, this Walda was also friends with his daughter... who’s just been betrayed and imprisoned and had her husband murdered... and is about to have her daughter taken from her. Roose isn’t a good or kind person and I think Walda recognizes that while at the same time feeling that, well, he may be a murderer and a rapist and a traitor, but he’s not constantly bullying and insulting her, he doesn’t beat her, and any children she has with him will have a claim to the at-present most powerful house in the North. so is she in love with him? no. but she is used to having to be very pragmatic, given her upbringing. jumping to the dream sequence (actually the last time we’ve seen Bethany in a dream in this fic, I believe) it’s kind of a call to arms? it’s just the culmination of all Nell’s rage and pain and sorrow, triggered by the new loss of her daughter. she dreams she is back in her mother’s bedchambers in the Dreadfort, watching her waste away from illness, and for the first time she really goes off on dream!Bethany, voicing the pain and fury she still feels at being left motherless. to have Bethany die after promising Nell that they’d be happy and go live with her aunt if Roose died in the Greyjoy Rebellion was especially brutal for her. Bethany apologizes to her- something that never happened in real life, as Nell never had any adults apologize to her for her upbringing or the trauma she experienced- and encourages Nell to keep fighting and not give up, pointing out that she tried to teach her to be strong and determined, even in the face of evil. to be honest, “I died for nothing, aye,” Bethany acknowledges faintly, too shrouded in smoke to be visible clearly to Nell now, although her voice is longer than before. “Yet before I died I lived for you. I lived for a child I thought could be more than the sum of all my rage and pain and regret. A child I thought could grow into a woman who might do things I had only dreamed of. And I have been wrong on many counts, my Nell, but never that one.” is one of my favorite parts of the entire fic. I think the ‘oh, *insert character* died for nothing’ or ‘the moral of the story is the world sucks and kindness is weakness’ is something that gets thrown around a lot in the ASOIAF fandom, maybe due to the influence of the TV show, maybe not. but I really disagree with that. for all the horrible things that happen in the series I think the ending will be one of hope, not defeat or ‘accepting the world as it is’. change can happen and it can be positive, and not all sacrifices are in vain. Ned Stark didn’t ‘die for nothing’- he died to save Sansa’s life and he taught his children really important things about respect for others and keeping your promises and protecting those weaker than you. we see his influence in Robb always trying to do what’s best for his people, Sansa being kind to others in spite of her suffering, Arya still defending the weak even at risk to herself, Bran trying to use his powers for good, Jon always trying to make the hard but fair decision at the Wall. they may not always make the right choices and they do fail, frequently, but the point is to try, not to always be victorious. in the same token, Robb didn’t ‘die for nothing’ in this fic- he dies fighting a war to return home and help his people, he dies with Nell and Lysara’s names on his lips, he dies always trying to protect the ones he loves, and I think that’s the actual point, not that he was ‘stupid’ or that Roose ‘outplayed him’. life isn’t a game and it’s not supposed to be treated as such. what matters is what Robb did while he was alive, the people he helped and the lives he changed. Nell is 100% a better person for her relationship with him and the growth she went through as she matured and took on more responsibilities. she is 100% a kinder and more compassionate person because of her relationship with the Starks, and Dana, and her ladies at Riverrun. she had to choose to change and step into her role as queen, but Robb really gave her a lot of confidence in herself and her abilities. so yeah, I think the overall message of chapter 45 and the fic in general is “it doesn’t matter how you die, it’s how you lived.” Robb’s death doesn’t wipe out everything he did before that. the loss of Lysara doesn’t erase the love Nell feels for her. even when things look dire and life is shitty you can still take it one day at a time and keep striving for something better. Nell has to recognize that while Bethany’s death was painful and tragic and unexpected... she did help shape Nell into the woman she would become and her ultimate wish was not that Nell would be exactly like her, but that Nell would be better than her.

#haunt/hunt #ask #anon #ask game

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daresplaining · 5 years

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How can you describe Murdocks's personality?

Matt: “I’m an endless contradiction that’d never stand up to cross-examination, Foggy. Always thought that was part of my charm.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #353 by Karl Kesel, Cary Nord, and Christie Scheele

Matt’s personality is varied and complex, thanks to one of my favorite aspects of Big Two superhero comics: the fact that Daredevil has been around for 55 years and has been written by dozens of different people. The downside of this situation is the myriad continuity issues that plague these comics, but the upside is that it results in rich characters who have been explored from every possible angle, and Matt is (in my unbiased opinion) one of the best examples. The tone of the story being told tends to impact the way he behaves, and different writers have emphasized different sides of his personality based on their own interpretations of his character, but there is a lot that has remained consistent over the years.

Since his introduction, Matt has been characterized by fearless heroism; his origin story involves him leaping in front of an out-of-control truck to save a stranger’s life. He is called “the Man Without Fear” (and, heck, Daredevil) for a reason. He has a strong moral code and sense of justice that keeps him fighting for people in need. His childhood spent in a crime-ridden neighborhood, and his father’s murder while he was in college, both taught him hard lessons about how cruel and unforgiving the world can be. He knows how important law and justice are, and knows how often they fail, and so he is compelled to help people, both as a superhero and as a lawyer. He is extremely brave, and doesn’t hesitate to go to great lengths to achieve his goals. This is true in every aspect of his life– in his legal career as much as his superhero one.

“Stay calm.”

“The voice isn’t soothing. It’s stern-wry-stormy. A reckless say-your-prayers sign-your-will-before-crossing-it kind of voice. The attorney with the vocal attitude is Matthew Murdock. Known in legal circles to be something of a daredevil.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #380 by D.G. Chichester, Lee Weeks, and Christie Scheele

This ties into Matt’s adrenaline junkie tendencies. He isn’t just willing to take risks– he enjoys them! He’s an active, energetic guy, and both his blindness (and the ableism/societal expectations that came with it) and his father’s role in limiting his athletic activities as a kid further exacerbated his need for action. I can’t allow myself to get through a post like this without getting up on my usual soapbox and saying: regardless of what else may be going on in his life, on a fundamental level, Matt loves being Daredevil. Swinging through the city, fighting bad guys, and making a name for himself as a superhero fulfills his need for action, thrills, and empowerment, and has actually proven to be a key aspect of his mental health. Whenever Matt is bored, restless, stressed, upset, or doesn’t know what else to do, he will fling himself out the nearest window.

Matt: “Look! I’m not getting anywhere sitting around here… which means– it’s travelin’ time… for this bored little Man Without Fear! It’s true… it really is; out here, with the wind rushing past me, I come alive! For a short while, I have no problems, no worries– nothing but total freedom!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #125 by Marv Wolfman, Bob Brown and Klaus Janson

Foggy: “What are you doing?”

Matt: “I’m going out.”

Foggy: “Out there? To face them?”

Matt: “No. Out there. To do something worthwhile for someone.”

Foggy: “You’re a stubborn @?!*! You know that? You’re a stubborn @!?*!!”

Daredevil vol. 2 #34 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, and Matt Hollingsworth

At times, Matt has questioned whether this thrill, rather than the superheroics, is the real reason he is Daredevil, and it’s part of why I’m convinced he would have become a superhero even if Jack hadn’t been murdered.

Matt is extremely strong-willed and resilient. You can’t beat him down; even when he gets stomped into the dirt, he will not stop fighting. This has also been true since basically the beginning of the comic. One of his earliest character-defining issues is Daredevil volume 1 #7, in which Matt singlehandedly battles Namor the Sub-Mariner, and refuses to give up even when it’s clear that he has no hope of winning

Caption: “But, once again, the power of the Sub-Mariner is greater than any could suppose, and it is he who recovers first– while the Man Without Fear […] lies weak, and dazed, and helpless…! Yet, how can one measure the limitless courage of a fellow human? Although on the brink of unconsciousness– although racked with pain and fatigue– still the sightless crusader reaches out–!”

Matt: “Come back! You– you mustn’t fight the others–! They’re innocent– mustn’t be harmed– mustn’t–!”

Namor: “I have fought the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and other super-powered humans, but none has been more courageous than he, the most vulnerable of all!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #7 by Stan Lee and Wally Wood

Matt’s life has been difficult to the point of becoming a running joke within Marvel comics. He has suffered a lot. But a key element of this suffering is showing how he survives it. For instance: many people point to the “Born Again” arc as an example of a depressing Daredevil story, but I don’t see it that way because it’s ultimately a celebration of Matt’s strength of spirit. There are two ways of being the Man Without Fear: there’s the swashbuckley Daredevilling, and there’s having the courage to keep fighting when all seems lost.

Matt’s superhuman willpower also has a negative side. He is stubborn and hardheaded to a frustrating degree. He has a big, sometimes overpowering personality, values his perspective above all others, and will frequently trample over/disregard the opinions of other people for the sake of doing what he thinks is right. This wholehearted confidence in his own judgment is vital for his hero work, but not so great for his personal relationships. It’s one reason why he mostly operates on his own as a superhero (it caused him to butt heads with Natasha Romanov while they were partners), and why he can also be a huge pain to work with as a lawyer. This is exacerbated by his secret-keeping– something he has done since he was young, long before he became a superhero or even had powers. One of the first things we learn about young Matt in DD #1 is that he snuck to the gym to train without Jack’s knowledge, hiding a key side of himself from his father, and he has maintained layers of secrecy– including crafting an array of aliases/alter egos– ever since.

Matt: “Even when I was first blinded, I never told anyone about my radar or my hypersenses. Not even my dad. I enjoyed having a big secret. When people make you feel like you’re weak and helpless, it’s empowering to know something they don’t. And, boy, did I need empowering. […] But here’s the truth: learned behaviors die hard. They become a comfort zone. So even though I grew older, and stronger, I somehow never let go of that need for the power of secrecy. And along the way, it went from survival skill to habit to… to…”

Foggy: “Emotional addiction. I can see that. You do love coming to the table with an ace up your sleeve. No wonder you took to law.”

Daredevil vol. 3 #22 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Javier Rodriguez

He puts up facades and keeps information to himself almost by instinct at this point. When things get bad, he shuts people out and turns inward. And he often displays what I’d call selfish selflessness– doing things he thinks are right while ignoring the fact that they may actually have harmful consequences. A major example of this is faking his death to keep his loved ones safe– something Matt has done on multiple occasions.

He is also an extremely emotional person. Matt feels things intensely, in more ways than one. He has clinical depression (which was established by Mark Waid in Volume 4), and he has been through a series of horrific mental breakdowns over the course of his career. Matt at his lowest points is erratic and often frightening. He becomes dangerously impulsive, sometimes emotionally abuses those around him, and is extra angry and violent as Daredevil.

Matt: “I don’t enjoy torture. But tonight I don’t care. In between the screams, I beat him. Like he was a heavy bag. And it feels good. I should feel sick. I should, but I don’t. I just feel more angry… ready for a new target.”

Daredevil vol. 2 #104 by Ed Brubaker, Michael Lark, Matt Hollingsworth, et al.

He has suffered immense loss over the course of his career-- mostly in the form of his array of dead girlfriends-- for which he blames himself (and to be honest, he does deserve at least some of that blame). He doesn’t always learn from the mistakes that leave his loved ones dead, but he still feels that grief very deeply.

On the upside, he’s also extremely passionate. He will do anything for the causes/people he cares about (even if he doesn’t always show it), falls in love fast, hard, and all-consumingly, and in general needs to have friends around him to keep him sane and happy. He is very smart but often lacking in common sense. He’s a charming flirt, a charismatic public speaker, a snarky punk to those who know him well, and he has a hilarious dry sense of humor that is 50% self-deprecation and 50% blind jokes.

Foggy: “Did you see this, Matt?”

Matt: “Foggy, how long have you known me?”

Foggy: “You know what I mean!”

Daredevil vol. 2 #76 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, and Dave Stewart

In short, he’s a hugely complex person in a way that I adore, flaws and all. I’m going to end with this quote from Foggy (well, Mark Waid), since it’s a personal favorite:

Foggy: “[Matt] will confound you. He will frustrate you. He will make your choices FOR you, he will manipulate you without CONSULTING you, and you will want to PUNCH him in his self-assured face at least ONCE AN HOUR. […] But he will care about you in a way that no one else ever could.”

Daredevil vol. 4 #5 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Javier Rodriguez

#Daredevil #Matt Murdock #Asks #Commentary #Adventures in Continuity

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megalony · 5 years

Text

Our boy- Part 6

Finally got another part for this series done, I hope everyone is enjoying this series so far.

Permanent taglist: @marshmallowmae @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss

Series taglist: @bohemiansweede

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) didn't hear the sound of the front door lock chiming to signal it was being opened. She didn't hear the cautious footsteps enter her apartment clearly searching for her but not wanting to invade her privacy either. She did, however, hear Roger's gentle calls for her clearly showing she had either blocked out the sound of him knocking on the front door or he simply let himself in instead.

Her voice wasn't working. The only thing she could do was cry because her heart was shattered in her chest and each individual piece was splintering into her skin as if she were bleeding on the inside. Her screams had died down since she came back home to the place that now felt foreign to her but her cries had stopped and started again. She didn't want to come back here alone, (Y/n) had expected to go to the hospital and come back with a bundle in her arms. To have someone to care for and look after, to have a family of her own.

Now she was on her own.

She was here somewhere she used to class as home that still housed only one person, like always. (Y/n) felt as if she was destined to be alone, and it was one of the worst feelings she had ever had. But compared to the feeling of losing James, the loneliness was a speck of dust.

Roger smothered a choked scream when he peeked into the bedroom on his left as he walked down the corridor after not seeing (Y/n) in the kitchen or living room. He knew she would be here and he wasn't leaving without checking on her first. They hadn't seen one another since he left the hospital after their argument which was just over a week ago and he knew she had been released home now. Roger was sure (Y/n) would be the same as he had been this past week, not doing very much, not eating, barely sleeping and he wanted to help her even though they weren't really on talking terms yet.

When he looked into the bedroom his chest shuddered at seeing (Y/n) curled up on her side on the floor. His mind beginning to race as he wondered if she had collapsed and hurt herself or if she had passed out like the last time he had entered her apartment.

The drummer fell to his knees behind her, his trembling hands quick to turn her so she was laying on her back not her side. His eyes snapped closed as he lowered his head when she (Y/n) slowly opened her eyes to look at him. Her face was expressionless as she wrapped her arms tighter around her chest as Roger's hands tightened on her shoulder and arm as if he was trying to ground himself. A look of relief passed over his features as he looked down at her, some kind of emotion in his eyes that (Y/n) couldn't work out, the closest thing she could think of that it resembled was sorrow.

"Don't do that to me again." He breathed, his words spoken with a gentle tone as he loosened his grip on her so he could gently sit her up. His arms winding around her middle without another word.

(Y/n) couldn't stay quiet any longer. A broken wail escaped her lips as her arms found themselves wrapping around his neck like it was the most natural feeling in the world. Her head falling to the crook of his neck as she clung to Roger for dear life, needing him more at this moment than she ever thought was possible. She hated what she had said to him because she hadn't meant it and (Y/n) hated the way that Roger had looked at her when she spoke those broken cruel words to him. He didn't deserve to be hit with her pain because he was suffering enough with his own emotions and venting and letting off her steam on Roger was not fair.

"I- I'm so sorry."

"Sshh, sweetheart. I know, it's okay." Roger's hand moved to the back of her head, his fingers gently carding through her hair in a way he knew always sent shivers down her spine. Moving backwards just a little he sat down properly instead of kneeling, gently tugging (Y/n) with him until she was sitting on his lap. His hand still carding through her hair as his other arm secured around her waist. Gently rocking them both side to side as tears began to fall from both their eyes.

"I didn't mean it." (Y/n) whimpered the words into his neck, needing Roger to know that those previous words had been spoken in haste. She loved Rosie and she would never think that Roger would love her more than James or that he would ignore his son's existence. "B-but you have Rosie and James, I'm alone-" (Y/n) didn't mean her words in the way she said them. All she meant was that even though they had both lost James, Roger still had Rosie at the end of the day. Whether he told his wife everything or not he had Rosie which meant he wasn't alone. (Y/n) didn't have that, she didn't have a family to go home to because James hadn't come home.

"(Y/n), sweetheart stop. You have James and you have me, you always have me. I will never let you be alone that is my promise to you." Roger may not be the kind of family (Y/n) wanted or thought she was going to get but he was still family to her. He was the closest thing to family she had and he wasn't leaving her anytime soon. If they had a row or a falling out Roger would go and let off steam but he would still come back to her. He was never leaving her to face anything alone.

Ever so gently, Roger pulled back as his hand that was tangled in her hair moved to caress the side of her face. Tilting her head so she could look up at him as she leaned into the touch.

"I was wrong. I never said anything to my wife when I should have and I wasn't fair to you when I did that. She knows now, and I'm staying with Fred for a while, I should have done this months ago... maybe... maybe I was also wrong in saying we should have James early." Roger felt like confessing what he was feeling now since he knew if another opportunity arose he wouldn't have the bottle to tell her.

One of (Y/n)'s hands unwrapped from around his neck to cradle the hand that was resting on the side of her face. Her palm overlapping the back of his hand and holding tightly as he began to shake, tears welling in his eyes that he was trying so hard not to shed. Roger didn't want to feel the way he was, he didn't want to feel broken and hollow like he was missing something that he knew he could never have. But if he didn't open up now those feelings were going to get worse because he would be dwelling on them.

"I knew the risks and I knew James could... b-but I thought if I ever had to choose, I needed to choose you. I couldn't let you get any worse because you would have died and that wasn't going to happen. I chose you but when I held James it felt wrong like I did that to him."

The moment their boy had been placed into Roger's waiting arms he felt like he had done something wrong. He felt he had made the wrong choice but at the same time, he had made the right one. James' life hadn't even started, Roger felt it was wrong to try and give him that life in exchange for taking (Y/n)'s away. Yet when James passed away Roger felt so much more of himself had gone with his son that he thought because he had known this was the outcome he would have chosen again and again because he couldn't lose (Y/n). He felt guilty.

"I got ill, that's why he was born, that's why he died. I wanted it to be me because this hurts so much, Rog. I'm hollow but it still hurts." (Y/n) felt there had been a big part of her that had been taken away and yet there was so much pain that was trying to fill the void in its place.

Nothing was filling the void that James had left and nothing was soothing it or making it better. Roger was the best remedy so far to ease the pain that (Y/n) was feeling and she was dreading the moment he had to go, he always had to go and then she would be alone to face these feelings. Feeling that she had been the one to get ill and that had led to James being born too early and not being able to survive. It was one or the other and the choice to save (Y/n) had been made when she didn't feel she truly deserved it.

Letting go of his hand (Y/n) reached out, the tears pouring faster from her features as she grabbed hold of the slightly crumpled papers just within her reach. The papers that she had thrown away from her before curling up like a child in need of comfort.

Roger didn't ask what they were because the moment the first few words of the papers came into his sight his stomach churned in the most horrible of ways. He had seen those papers. A nurse at the hospital had tried to give him those papers before he grabbed them and tore them in half, leaving them like broken bird wings on the floor at his feet. This time, when he took them from (Y/n)'s trembling hand he was careful and gentle with them. Setting the thin stack of papers down at his side due to the amount of distress they were causing her and about to cause him too.

"We need to... I can't..." (Y/n) couldn't find the words she needed to convey what she needed to talk to Roger about but he didn't seem to mind. His arms wrapped around her tighter, his hand gently pulling her head back to rest on his shoulder. His lips pressed to the side of her head as her cries got worse, the drummer rocking them side to side a bit more. His tears falling to her hair as hers drenched his thin navy blue shirt.

Her hand gripped his shoulder as her other hand went to the hair at the back of his head. Her whole body beginning to shake as Roger didn't know what he was meant to do to calm her down.

"Alright, it's alright love." Roger's voice seemed to do enough to stop the horrific cries from leaving (Y/n)'s lips that were centimetres away from turning into screams. The drummer cooed and quietly shushed her to try and calm her down as he thought everything over. "You're okay, I've got you now I won't leave you. Shh, I'll deal with that sweetheart I promise, just let me do that." Part of (Y/n) wanted to protest, wanted to tell Roger that she couldn't leave him to do that on his own because it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair of her to make Roger do that and she didn't because it would affect him the same as it was affecting her now.

But the other part of (Y/n) knew that she wouldn't be able to do it even with his help.

She knew that every time she looked at those leaflets and pieces of paper her heart would shatter and splinter into her skin all over again. (Y/n) knew she would end up leaving it or putting it off when it couldn't wait any longer. Roger was stronger than she was at this moment, he could put on a brave face and help to sort this out. They both knew she would be fine with whatever he chose and decided, and so she allowed herself to sink further into his arms.

(Y/n) allowed Roger to hold her broken pieces together, unsure what was happening or what this meant for them. But Roger wasn't going to leave her, he promised. He was here to help and he was keeping her together and caring for her when she was unable to care for herself.

Roger was going to do what she couldn't right now. He was going to prepare James' funeral.

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger x reader #imagine #queen band #our boy

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butterflydm · 5 years

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fic: stay when it’s hard (or when we’re making mistakes)

@queliotweek (2019) | day 5: polyamory | read on AO3

note: This is the 'origin story' to my marqueliot series that I probably wouldn't have written without queliot week because I've just been barreling forward chronologically.

two months before

“I've thought about it and... I mean, it wouldn't really be us, you know?” Alice says, her eyes big and blue and earnest, and her hands warm in his. “It would just be... the fox hormones.”

And because Quentin is, honestly, a selfish asshole sometimes, he argues with her, tries to explain that their feelings are real, that they'll last. She shoots every argument down, finally ending with, “I said no, Quentin. I mean it. Stop pushing.”

Normally, when Quentin feels shitty and worthless, he talks to Eliot but right now Eliot is- giddy and in love and if Alice had said 'yes', all that would be fine, but right now he doesn't think he can handle having Eliot's happiness rubbed in his face.

So he broods downstairs for a while, in the reading nook he knows Alice never goes to because she prefers the library.

He's been there about an hour when he hears a familiar voice.

“Hey, Coldwater, why're you hiding in the corner like a friendless loser?” Margo plops down next to him, gives him those soft eyes that he remembers from after the Welters game. She knocks her shoulder against his, smiles at him. “Come watch something nerdy and sexy with me. It'll be more interesting than sitting here wallowing in your own misery. Haven't had a chance to watch that show based on Lucifer yet, so we should check it out. It might be good.”

“It won't be good,” Quentin says, feeling contrary and mournful, because it's been that kind of day.

“We won't know until we try, dummy,” Margo says, grabbing him by the arm and yanking him up. “I'll let you gossip about whatever stupid thing is making you sad, then I'll tell you all about why I hate Eliot's new boyfriend.”

“You hate Mike?” Quentin asks, and Margo lights up like the fourth of July, like he's just given her the best present in the world.

“Oh, fuck, yeah, I hate him so much, starting with their horrifically saccharine 'meet-cute'. Okay, I'm gonna set the scene for you...”

a few minutes before

Quentin sits on the floor and drinks and watches Eliot breathe.

He's desperately, frustratingly relieved each time he sees Eliot's chest move.

Eliot had only – had only talked around the edges of his pain, before he'd passed out. Talked about wanting to be healed at Chatwin's Torrent but shied away at the idea of talking about why he needed to be healed. Shied away from talking about everything that had happened with Mike.

It's worse, Quentin thinks, that Eliot almost talked about it. But he just keeps burying it inside and it's fucking killing him and Quentin is just- helpless.

Quentin's always been the friend who was most likely to go off the deep end and do something stupid, and he's never known before now how terrifying it is to be on the other side. He has so many fucking apologies to make to Julia, if he ever gets the chance to talk to her again.

The hardest part is how useless he feels. Eliot has been hurting for a while now and Quentin still doesn't have any plan better than being company so at least El doesn't drink alone.

“Jesus, you two. Why are you- why are you on the floor?” Margo sounds annoyed but he feels such a burst of relief when he hears her voice. Margo can- Margo knows Eliot better than anyone. He knows El hasn't really been talking to her, either, but maybe she'll have some idea of how to help.

Quentin would do just about anything to make Eliot feel better.

after

Quentin thinks he might be the only one still awake.

He's not sure how much of this he's going to remember in the morning – his mind is already feeling fuzzy from... from the alcohol and that flood of emotions and... and the ways they'd touched him.

He presses his fingers against his mouth. It feels swollen. It feels wet.

He feels like he's drifting in a dream, honestly. It's unbelievable enough that Margo and Eliot are his friends. That they actually wanted- that they enjoyed-

It doesn't feel quite real.

Tomorrow, when he wakes up, Margo and Eliot will- they won't be cruel about it, but- but they'll kindly let him know they aren't interested in a repeat performance. It'll be- they won't avoid him for weeks afterwards like Alice did after Brakebills South, because they are his friends, but he suspects the actual morning-after talk will go the same way. Not really us, not really our emotions. Just magic and hormones and he was an okay option at the time but not in the light of day. Not for real.

He should get up now, go to his own bed.

Eliot's hand is resting on his hip, big and warm. Eliot had smiled tonight, when Quentin had been-

Eliot had smiled, like he meant it.

Margo had kissed him and taken off his shirt and said he really was pretty cute and told him to get on his knees and it had been-

If Quentin leaves now, he can skip the awkward morning after where they have to walk back everything they said, everything they did. He can pretend it never happened and avoid getting the otherwise inevitable “let's just be friends and never ever have sex again” conversation.

He shifts, only a little, and Eliot's hand curves in, tightens on his hip.

Quentin knows it doesn't mean anything. Eliot's already asleep. Eliot's heartbroken over Mike.

Still.

He stays.

#queliotweek 2019 #queliotweek #queliot #marqueliot #the magicians #myfic

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decandantfics · 5 years

Text

Fight the World for You

Dec swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. This all felt so surreal, it was like he was there but not actually there – as if it was a bad dream he couldn't wake up from. As he stood at the top of the stairs, he couldn't help but sneak a glance at the other side of ITV's Studio 1 where his partner would normally be standing – waiting to run down the stairs together during rehearsals for this week's Saturday Night Takeaway. His heart clenched at the empty space, and he felt tears coming to his eyes. Furiously, Dec tried to control his emotions and focus on the task at hand – there was a show to do, and it had to be perfect. It felt like the whole world was watching him this week, judging him, and he had never been more scared in his life. He was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by Chris Power, the director, calling everyone to attention as rehearsals officially began. The music started, and Dec forced his legs to move as he numbly made his way down the stairs towards the stage. As he ran onto the stage, he was again hit by the emptiness of the room. He felt all alone, even though there were at least a couple dozen members of the crew and production team milling around, making adjustments to lighting, camera angles, etc. As the music stopped and the autocue started running, it all became too much for Dec.

~~~

He had tried all morning to keep his emotions in check. The script meeting had been horrific, as everyone tried to come up with the best way to address Ant's absence. Everyone was trying their best to act as if everything was normal, but it was just so very awkward. No one seemed to know how to act around Dec, and he felt as if they were all tip toeing around him, afraid to say anything lest he shatter in front of their very eyes. Honestly, he didn't know which was worse – confronting the very painful reality head on, or trying to ignore it and pretend everything was okay. In the end, he decided trying to ignore it was the best option – one well-meaning crew member had told him how sorry they were about what had happened and that they hoped he and Ant were okay. It was all he could do to keep from breaking down. The only response he could muster was a curt nod – studiously avoiding their gaze - and then walking swiftly away so that they wouldn't see his pain-filled eyes brimming with tears.

If he was honest, the past two weeks had been the worst of his life. His world fell apart when his father died in 2011, but he had had so much support from those closest to him that he was able to get through it, no matter how painful it was. But now, he felt all alone. Yes, his family and friends were trying to buoy him up, calling, texting, and just attempting to support him as best they could. Ali had been amazing – so patient and loving, letting him cry bitterly on her chest, comforting him and reassuring him as his whole world fell apart. The only bright spot in his life right now was his baby – their baby – but even that had been partly ruined for him by the press outing their secret. He had gone out to run some errands and had stopped to order a takeaway to be delivered to their home, as Ali wasn't feeling great and neither of them felt like cooking (let's face it, he'd gotten a bit more domesticated since Ali came into his life, but he still couldn't be trusted alone in the kitchen). When he arrived home and made his way through the crowd of paparazzi stationed outside his home – whatever happened to privacy?! – they were shouting something at him that made his blood run cold. "Is it true – is your wife pregnant?" The pictures in the paper the next day showed him looking slightly incredulous, bewildered, angry – who had outed them, was nothing sacred these days? He and Ali had so wanted to keep their baby news a secret for as long as possible. To have their privacy invaded, to be denied the privilege of making this precious announcement to the world in their own time when they were ready – this was the height of cruelty. But, he bitterly thought to himself, what are the press if not cruel. He and Ant had always had a fairly good relationship with the press – they stayed out of trouble for the most part, and although there had been a few exceptions over the years when the press had made their lives hell, they weren't really bothered by paps or brutal tabloid "journalists." As soon as Ant's accident happened, though, that had all changed. Probably forever, Dec suspected. Their entire lives were in limbo right now – he honestly didn't expect either of them would have a career for very much longer. Actually, if the vicious voices of self-doubt in his mind were to be believed, neither of them would have a career after tonight's show.

Dec had always suffered with anxiety and insecurity – he had even described himself as "neurotic, insecure, and self-obsessed" in their autobiography, and with good reason. He would quite frequently suffer from anxiety dreams in the lead-up to a new series of Takeaway, which would result in sleepless nights when the latent worry in his mind took hold of him and made his mind race with everything that could potentially go wrong on the night. But through the years, the one thing he could always rely on to help relieve his nerves, to make him believe in himself, was Ant. Ant was always there for him – sometimes, Dec thought, Ant believed in him too much, almost to the point of blind belief – and could always snap him out of his obsessive worrying with a warm hug and some calm words of wisdom and reassurance. But now, now he was all on his own. Ant was back in rehab, and all communication with him was cut off. Again. 2017's absence had been hard enough on Dec, but then it was different. Ant had the full support of the majority of the public, but most importantly, they were sort of off work at the time. Yes, there were some production meetings and the like for I'm a Celebrity... and SNT, but Dec was mostly able to cope with those on his own fairly well, with the knowledge that Ant was getting better and would be back in time for IAC. This was a whole different kettle of fish. Ant was suddenly ripped completely out of his life, and Dec was abruptly thrust into the spotlight, expected to step up to the plate and carry on as if everything was normal. Nothing was normal. His psyche was in tatters, his confidence had completely vanished, and the level of pressure and expectation being heaped on his shoulders was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He could barely sleep, he merely picked at his food, and his nerves were on edge. Someone had accidentally dropped a microphone onto the stage with a clatter earlier, and he had nearly jumped out of his skin. He couldn't think straight – the combination of exhaustion and nerves further damaging his fractured mind. Stress was also taking its toll – he felt tetchy, like he could snap at any minute – and his face wore the look of someone who was completely broken inside. He was trying to put a brave face on, even trying to crack a few jokes with the crew to raise morale, but the smile never reached his eyes and his laugh sounded horribly forced, even to his own ears. There was no way he was going to get through the show tonight, he told himself. He wasn't capable of doing this all by himself. He was mad for even thinking he could do this, for making the decision to go ahead with these final two shows of the series. He just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come back out again.

~~~

Dec was wrenched from his morbid thoughts as he stepped onto his mark and the autocue started running. He opened his mouth to start reading his lines, only to be stopped immediately by Chris. Inwardly, Chris was cringing at what he was going to have to point out to Dec. There was no tactful way of putting this, really. "Dec," Chris said gently, "You're too far to the right of the stage for the camera. Your mark is in the center here, see?" The carefully schooled, stoic expression Dec had been trying so desperately to maintain all morning – all week, in fact – slowly crumbled. He looked over to his right, at the empty space beside him, at the mark that was placed where Ant should be stood beside him. His breath caught in his throat, he felt like someone was choking him, squeezing the life out of him. His vision blurred, his heart painfully clenched and then started racing, the fight or flight instinct kicking in. He knew he had to get out of there before he lost his last shred of dignity. He breathed out a choked, "I need a minute," to Chris, and sprinted off the stage and to his – their – dressing room.

Locking the door behind him, he collapsed onto the sofa, broken sobs clawing their way out of his throat. This was like no other pain he had ever experienced. He knew he had sometimes taken his friendship with Ant and the incredible bond they shared for granted, but it had never really occurred to him that it might all disappear some day. That Ant wouldn't always be by his side, that they could be torn apart so cruelly by life and forced to live without each other. True, Ant was still alive – albeit not very well, mentally or physically – but Dec felt totally isolated and removed from himself. Ant had given him his blessing to carry on and present the final two shows solo – he had even tried to be supportive, despite what a mess he was emotionally and psychologically – and told Dec that he had every faith in him and that he could do this. Dec knew he was far too easy to read for Ant – they had known each other for 29 years, after all – and even though he had tried not to show his anxiety at the prospect of going solo, it was painfully obvious to Ant.

Oh, Ant. Even just thinking about him hurt. There was a constant ache in his heart that just wouldn't go away. He wanted so badly to protect him from everything he was facing right now, but at the same time he was incredibly angry at Ant for having done what he'd done. Never in a million years had he thought this would happen. This was not the Ant he knew, the Ant he'd spent 29 years with. And that was the one thing that kept him going.

Ant knew he had messed up big time, and he had made it clear to Dec that he was determined to make it right and finally get better, once and for all. No more lies, no more secrets, it was time to face his demons and shake them off. Dec wanted nothing more than for Ant to be able to come back and be by his side again, although the prospect of that ever happening seemed very far away at this point in time. He had tearfully told Ant that he would give everything up if Ant could just be happy again. Their career meant nothing compared to their friendship. He loved his job, loved being on the telly and doing everything they do, but if it was a choice between Ant and their career, he would always choose Ant.

Words could not describe the depth of his love for Ant. It actually scared him how much he loved Ant and needed him in his life. He could not contemplate a world without Ant, it would kill him...His heart stopped for a moment. He furiously shook his head, as sobs continued to wrench themselves out of his being, forcing down the thought that had come to mind. Ant was in hospital, he was being watched and cared for. He wouldn't do anything like that, he knew people loved him, right? He knew Dec loved him more than anything, surely he would never leave him alone in the world....He forced the thought out of his mind. There was still a show to rehearse, even if he was having a mental breakdown. He couldn't let everyone down – but more importantly, he couldn't let Ant down. He knew Ant loved their job, and he knew Ant was convinced his own career was over. Well, if he couldn't help Ant with the battle he was currently waging against his demons in rehab – truly the most helpless feeling in the world, being unable to help his one true friend fight the hardest battle of his life – there was still one thing he could do: save their career.

With that thought, he forced himself to take a deep breath. His sobs slowed down to a halt, and even though the ache in his chest didn't relent, he replaced the broken look on his face with his stoic mask of professionalism. But there was a difference now – there was an air of steely determination about him. He was going to make sure Ant still had a career to come back to, if and when he was ready. The world might try to bring them down, tear them apart, put them through untold heartache and pain, but he was more than ready to fight against the world for Ant. Ant is his world, and he would do anything for him. Slowly, Dec pulled himself together, steeling himself for what was to come. Standing up on wobbly legs, he walked to the bathroom and splashed water on his face, trying to rid himself of the red, blotchy look that would broadcast his breakdown to everyone. Having cleaned himself up as best he could, Dec resolutely unlocked his dressing room door and strode back to the studio. He still felt sick with fear every time he thought about going live to the nation that evening. He knew he would probably have at least a couple more panics and/or emotional breakdowns before the show tonight, but for now, he had to put his emotions aside and make sure this was the best show he had ever put on in his life. This was for Ant. He wasn't doing this for ITV, their sponsors, not even the fans anymore. This was about Ant now, and that made it the most important thing he had ever done. If it was the last thing he did, he was going to save their career and give Ant something to hold onto, something to give him hope that not all was lost. No one could stop him now.

#ant and dec #declan donnelly #ant mcpartlin #snt #fiction #decandantfics

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terramythos · 5 years

Text

Review: The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin (The Broken Earth #1)

Length: 449 pages.

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Science Fiction (kind of), Female Protagonist(s), First-Person, Second-Person, Third-Person, Apocalyptic, Dark, LGBT Characters, Diverse Cast, Great Worldbuilding, Split Narrative, Trilogy, Perfect Score

Warning(s): This is not a happy book. Child death, graphic violence, torture/abuse, slavery, references to rape.

My Rating: 5 / 5 (Highly Recommended)

My Summary:

In a world known as The Stillness, constantly besieged by earthquakes, a woman named Essun comes home to discover her husband has murdered their son and disappeared with their daughter. Feared, dehumanized, and enslaved by society at large, Essun is an “orogene”, a person with the ability to manipulate the earth and energy around them. She has been hiding in plain sight away from The Fulcrum, the governing body and prison of her kind. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, a different orogene unleashes a deadly cataclysm that throws the world into the apocalypse.

The story follows three women through various points in time. Essun, in the present, must survive the coming Season as she tracks down her husband. Damaya, a young child from the past, has just discovered that she is an orogene— and is about to discover how cruel the world is for people like her. Finally, Syenite, an ambitious young adult trained by The Fulcrum, is sent on a routine mission with Alabaster, the most powerful orogene alive. Ordered to produce a child with him, Alabaster’s strange, dangerous ideas about orogenes and their place in society threaten to change everything.

But of course, nothing is quite that simple.

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall; Death is the fifth, and master of all.

**Minor Spoilers and My Thoughts Follow**

One thing I want to get out in the open— my summary is misleading. In fact, most summaries I’ve seen for this novel are misleading. Yes, it’s technically true; those are all things that happen. The thing about this novel, though, is that just about everything in it is a spoiler. The worldbuilding is so steady and deliberate that many major components of the story are not revealed until later. So, to be safe (hah), I minimized the details. The result is a story that sounds like many others in the genre. But there’s a whole lot more at play than my summary suggests. And it is going to be hard to talk about this novel without spoiling anything, but I’ll do my best.

This book sounds dark. It sounds bleak. And it absolutely is. But I think this is also a very important book, and even if stories like this are not your usual cup of tea, I highly encourage you to read it.

The Fifth Season was a wild ride. The Stillness is fascinating, and shies away from most of the Tolkein-esque, Euro-centric standards of modern fantasy. The worldbuilding is slow and well-executed, sprinkling details in when they become relevant, but over time forming an intricate, interesting setting. These facts alone would make it worth reading, in my eyes, but it’s the level of writing ability and thought-provoking twists that really make this one shine. If the other two books in the series are nearly as good as this one, I know I’m in for a treat.

The writing is masterful. I don’t just say that because it’s a good story— it is— but the technical level of craft is just mind-boggling. The narrative is deeply personable and made me connect to the characters without me even really realizing it. Without edging into direct spoilers, there are so many details planted in any given chapter that twist back and become relevant later. Or, even more impressive, there are a number of things conspicuously MISSING that end up relevant later. It felt like I was being guided along by an unseen hand throughout the whole book, and the end result was both satisfying and deeply unsettling. This is how good writing should work, and it so often does not. To do this on top of juggling THREE different stories? N. K. Jemisin makes the whole thing seem effortless.

At times I had to stop reading because I couldn’t believe anything could be this GOOD. This is the first book in a long time where I couldn’t wait to get home and keep reading. I spent hours at a time just completely engrossed. I love reading, I love good stories, but this one is the first in a while that felt like an experience.

One thing I really appreciated was how Jemisin plays with expectations. I found myself predicting how certain storylines or conflicts would unfold because I’ve seen them before, but then she would, at the last moment, pull things in a completely new direction. Some things went how I expected them to, but there was enough divergence to keep things interesting. And boy, was I hooked the entire time. Even in places where the pacing slowed a little bit, I was eager to see what was happening with the other characters in one story thread or other.

And the characters… whoo boy. I really enjoyed the perspective characters, but there are several side (arguably main) characters I really liked as well. Alabaster in particular was fascinating, and probably my favorite. I also liked Tonkee and Hoa, characters who show up part way into Essun’s story, who I’m assuming are going to be bigger players going forward. One of the main antagonists is so goddamn creepy, but not in the usual way? It’s hard to describe, but he was fascinating as well. There are others, but I don’t want to just list a bunch of names that won’t mean much to someone reading this review. Just read the damn book.

Representation is also excellent, which I didn’t expect at the beginning of the story. First off, none of the major characters are white (well, at least by current standards). There’s at least one major gay, bisexual, and transgender character in the story as well, which is always nice to see. I won’t say who is which, just that each was a pleasant surprise to me. There’s even a happy and healthy polyamorous relationship late into the novel, which I really enjoyed. There are so many irritating love triangles out there that it was nice to see a deliberate subversion.

As I have implied, there are some major twists in the story. Some are more obvious than others, but they all felt well set up and executed. One of my favorites is a throwaway line that comes back to reveal one twist, then comes back AGAIN for a second sucker punch at the end. The novel doesn’t even draw much attention to it— it’s something you have to realize on your own. I am pretty proud of myself for figuring one twist that isn’t confirmed until the final goddamn line. And still, there were plenty that took me by surprise. I feel like there is probably a bigger overarching twist or two that will be explored in later novels, because there is so much WEIRD shit that we still do not have answers for. The Fifth Season works well as a unit, but it practically begs for sequels, so I’m glad there are two lined up on my reading list.

The Fifth Season is not a happy novel. It starts with a dead kid, so that much should be obvious. A great deal of the narrative focuses on the atrocities and abuses committed against a group of people. It’s obviously an allegory for plenty of horrific things both today and throughout history, and it deliberately sides with the oppressed (something many fantasy stories fail to do). And I think The Fifth Season would be good if it was JUST that, but there’s so much more going on in the story that it truly stands apart as something remarkable. Time will tell, but as of finishing this novel, I think it might be one of the best I’ve ever read. Despite the dark subject matter I really cannot recommend it enough. Please do yourself a favor and read The Fifth Season. If only so I can scream with you.

#taylor reviews #taylor reads #5/5 #not to be dramatic but this might be one of the best books i've read #also i cranked this out in an hr so it might suck. sorry.

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