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roaringwish · 2 years

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Bhavacakra with Matarakishin

This was a big project I worked on as a milestone for my studies in my faith, Shinbutsu Shuugou.

Symbolism explanation under the “readmore”

The piece uses 6 colors total: Black, white, yellow, green, red and blue. These can symbolize many things depending on the context, but here I intended for it to reference both the five hindrances + the Buddha AND the six realms.

The middle contains three animals: the snake, the boar and the bird. They represent the three poisons and are arranged in the shape of three magatama (mitsudomoe).

The first ring contains the duality of karma. This is usually depicted with a sharp border between the side where someone either falls to Hell or becomes a buddha, but I decided for the theme of this mandala to be the nonduality of opposites. For that reason both sides take on a spiraling waning and waxing shape. The figures in them are just vague silhouettes, as the concept of karma is an abstract concept that’s hard to articulate or accurately depict.

The six realms are depicted tilted. This is simply to draw more attention to the figures outside the mandala. The lower realms mainly use red and the upper ones mainly use blue (reflecting the way the karma layer’s colors are set up).

The buddha are all different beings depicted doing something benevolent instead of holding the traditional symbols buddhas hold. In each case their buddhahood is symbolized by their color (white represents buddhahood and liberation) and a star shaped halo.

Otherwise I didn’t want to depict these buddhas as perfect beings, I wanted to draw attention to the fact that the origins of dukkha can’t be exorcized, it can only be minimized and the buddha path is never complete. Parts of these buddhas extend to other realms symbolizing how buddhas can be anyone and anything anywhere.

The twelve dependent originations are abstract just like the duality of karma for the same reason. In many cases I used Japanese symbols to interpret these elements, because my faith is rooted in Japanese culture.

The wheel itself is gold, the color of earth according to wuxing. The element of earth represents dualities, the element of change and also stability, both yin and yang and all four seasons. It’s related to the figures holding/turning the wheel.

Matarakishin is a form of the kami Matarajin, a kami of, arguably, dukkha. He’s strongly connected to the element of earth, travel (be it physical or metaphorical) and is a guardian of Buddhist treasures and the Pure Land Sutra. He governs the unseen world, kakuriyo ( 隠り世 ) as a shukujin ( 宿神 ) a kami that governs fate, and with it, change. Him and his attendants represent the three poisons and are generally considered a single entity.

Faithful to traditional bhavacakras, he’s depicted fierce and horrifying as a symbol of change, same with his attendants Nishita and Teireita. Matarakishin is a green kishin (oni kami), representing greed and takes on a boar-like appearance. Between his horns is the Pole Star, a celestial body he embodies. It’s the same star used for the buddhas’ halo representing his buddha nature.

Teireita is a blue oni taking the form of a snake (representing hatred). They embody the Big Dipper, which is why the have the constellation between their horns. The final two stars connected align exactly with the Pole Star.

Nishita takes the form of a bird and is a red oni (represeinting ignorance). Their single horn point to the Little Dipper. Matarakishin stands directly above them because the Pole Star is one of the stars making up the Little Dipper.

Four of their hands hold the wheel of dharma in total, representing the four sights.

Above them, Shakyamuni Buddha can be seen pointing at the Moon, which represents liberation from dukkha. The Milky Way represents the uncountable amount of buddhas the lived, live and will live on Earth.

#my art #art by op #buddhism #buddhist art #bhavacakra #shinbutsu shuugou #tendai #contemporary buddhist art #I'm a little nervous about posting this #but I wanted to make this as like #a milestone #as to how much I learnt so far #it has unconventional elements in it #which is why idk how people who Know Things about Buddhism would react #since my beliefs are rooted in Japanese culture #but still #I really do want to share #if for nothing to see how people react

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tapakah0 · 6 months

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Eh, almost forgot ;~;; Commission for sweet @celestialrose3 ;;~;;; Thank you so much *bows*

#rottmnt #I am always very nervous when I draw commissions that are related to someone's story... how to explain it...#No matter how many times you might tell me that it's okay #I can't put it in the words because it sounds stupid and silly #but #you see #It's CAS #cass fanart tag #and it is commission #I ALWAYS FEEL NERVOUS TO POST COMMISSIONS YES I DID THEM FOR SOMEONE BUT they might be related to someone's story or comic and I sit and #think “Can I show it? Isn't it irritating? Am I even allowed to take commission related to it??” I“M SORRY I'M FIGHTING WITH THIS FEELING #ALL MY LIFE #okay no I can't explain it it's just my stupid brain that feels very nervous about such a topic and wants to hide everything related to it #You saw nothing but I just needed to put it into words to feel a little better about it #*hides*

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introspectivememories · 2 months

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too many of you guys think nico is the loser and not lewis for letting the divorce go on for so long. like they're both losers about each other. emotionally constipated idiots who can't talk about their toxic homoerotic friendship that imploded on itself like 8 years ago and are now making it everyone else's problem. yeah nico's on television or in beer gardens talking about lewis all the time but like every other month some reporter is like "lewis, what's your favorite moment in your career?" and lewis no hesitation is like "oh man, karting, y'know? everything was simpler then" and then spends another six months skirting around nico's name. like this whole thing they're doing in the media isn't some kinda extended foreplay for them. they're both still pressing on the bruise to make sure it's still there!!! every few months, they're literally just asking on public television, does it still hurt for you like it does for me? and like clockwork, someone will release new information about them or one of them will say something about each other (in my heart, he's still my best friend/yes... and teammate) and the answer will remain the same, yes, of course, always.

#lewis is unarguably more famous than nico. like i feel like this a fact. and yet every other day nico is in the press saying some crazy shit #about lewis. if i was famous i woulda shut that shit down soo long ago. my ex-bf is in the press talkin bout me constantly??? that feels #like such bad pr and yet!!! lewis has not done anything. why? cause he likes it!!! cause they've never moved on from the 1st moment they #broke each other's hearts. like this is genuinely insane.#im always so nervous to post my thoughts on brocedes cause so many of you were here b4 me and have a better understanding on them #and like being a wrong is like a death sentence to me but still please tell me if i got them completely wrong #i have a lot of thoughts on lewis and his reluctance to talk about nico... most of them being that one quote from emma #if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more #ok obligatory disclaimer: a lot of this is hyperbole. i don't think that they're asking lewis that ? every other month #but there are like at least 5 interviews where he talks about karting like they're his most precious memories #so make of that what you will #and obv i don't know these people but as someone who's brain chemistry has been permanently changed by them #i think i'm allowed to not only project onto them but also make stupid little posts analyzing them #anyway yeah #f1 #lewis hamilton #nico rosberg #brocedes

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luna-lovegreat · 1 month

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I want. Four to get appreciation. Because

Four gave a ton of unnoticed help when Twilight was injured

The fight with Wild was difficult, and I know we're all concerned about his negative view of the shadow crystal

But Four did something that no one else really thought of to help- He took care of Twi's stuff

From the beginning he told Twilight to not worry about them

So Four took care of pretty much everything but the others (that Sky and Wars handled)

He took care of Epona

Which is so very important- he took care of Twilight's horse. After her arrival at the stable Four followed up on her

And for Epona, a horse so attached to her human, having some company can help so much for reassurance

He took care of Twilight's stuff

He got Twi's shield- his bags and equipment, and organized it into one place

And he was worried. He obviously found the shadow crystal while handling Twi's stuff, but his negative reactions to it were out of concern.

Also- because of his placement in this scene

I'm fairly convinced Four was ready to start cooking before Wild showed up (since he's beside the counter with food supplies). At the very least he had the basket of fruit out for everyone -but he was literally standing with food behind him- he thought of everything

And he did housekeeping!

Wars payed for the inn, so Four took care of the inn

Realistically these boys were probably not too concerned with tidyness. Four got all of Twi's things on one table, and took care of the room they stayed in

Organizing tables and Twi's things, having food supplies ready, and opening the curtains- overall he was the one tidying up the inn

Four helped in a huge way! He took care of Twi's horse (Epona is so important), his equipment and shield and bag, as well as the other rooms in the inn

Four filled in all the little tasks that others didn't think of. He helped in ways that were needed, but not obvious

There's a lot of problems with the shadow crystal and with Wild, and I don't know what's gonna happen in the future

But don't forget this- don't forget that Four was one who stepped up in an almost unnoticeable way

Don't forget that when everyone was barely holding it together, Four visited Twilight's horse and took care of his things

No matter what develops in the future- this amount of care shown is important ya know?

Art and comic from Jojo @linkeduniverse au :)))

#epona is so important #Lu four #linkeduniverse #linked universe #I work with horses and #Epona is INCREDIBLE- she's extremely attuned to humans and emotions. she doesn't scare easily and can keep her cool in a fight #but it's still super stressful to suddenly be in a fairly large and populated town- separated from her person #and for such an empathetic horse? Four going and TALKING to her- gently petting her nose and just being near her #means so so much! that literally matters so much to a horses mental state in a foreign situation- just having company #he checked on Epona and gave her company like !!!!!! it's so considerate and means so much for Epona! Four I love you !!!!!#uhhhh yeah!#with the food- I don't think the innkeeper would have free/complimentary food out- but wars wallet def had it covered #then wild showed up with potions in a cooking frenzy- but four was still shown with food behind him- he thought of everything #I don't know what's gonna happen with the shadow crystal and stuff. but no matter what happens in the future- this matters.#he did a ton of small things no one else thought of it matters he cares so much didjdkdksjfjj #I have a lot of posts I'm making/editing and trying to get to. I'm just a little gal trying my best :/#so many ideas and so little time... I love you guys and this fandom so much :))#(if I said anything off or offensive let me know... I'm always nervous about that but I want to hear from you if I'm wrong)#(also you are so so cool and valuable don't forget that ok? I love you and you are important)#:)

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moonchild-in-blue · 4 months

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Your face is a window

Sometimes it's 15:18 on a Wednesday; you're making coffee, water on a kettle, tugging on your sleeves to stave off the cold.

The skys are blue and bright and out of reach, hidden behind blurry windows. Droplets of yourself cling to the glass.

Condensation.

They too are trying to stave off the cold.

There is music playing ; the butterfly album that flutters quietly in your heart. You hold a spoon, cold steal, and weep.

Your tears faces run down the windows,falling from the sky to your hands.

I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go-

The water is ready.

- a nothing writing about 50 minutes ago

#I rarely post my little blurbs here; much less unedited and raw so be nice #ridiculous how a song can make you cry pathetically out of nowhere #i had to stop for a full moment with a piece of bread on my hand 😭#I'm so nervous about being perceived so i gotta be silly on the tags. to ✨cope✨#darya is unhinged #writing #poetry #spilled ink

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tomaturtles · 10 months

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I feel it's common for people to feel they're bothering/embarrassing creators by interacting with their older works? So I thought it'd be interesting to see where other creatives (artists, fic writers, edit makers, anything goes) stand on the matter! Feel free to elaborate on your thoughts or give examples :)

(The timeframe of what counts as an old work is up to you. Could be one year, 10 years, anything depending on for how long you've been posting your works online)

#toma talks #toma polls #art stuff #i love it personally :) its nice #can be slightly embarrassing if im not super proud of it gjfh but it's fun to see my older stuff being enjoyed on occasion #i Hope i covered enough ground with the options #mostly curious bc even though i enjoy it as an artist when i'm the one looking at ppl's works i get a little nervous about #interacting with older stuff at times if the op's still around and posting other stuff/for a completely different fandom and whatnot #which may be silly but does make me wonder

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cleolinda · 8 months

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My nephew reviews perfume

I'm not sure how my sister heard about Noteworthy Scents, but the concept is, you take a quiz, and they'll send you four Scientifically Chosen samples ($25 USD) based on your answers.

Noteworthy is a new, exciting way to discover your signature scent. Rather than relying on flashy celebrity branding or overblown marketing promises, we want our customers to be in control of deciding which Noteworthy fragrance is right for them. We’re excited that you’re joining us on this journey - we can’t wait to help you find your signature scent.

I have looked at all the fragrances on offer, and I can tell you, they don't happen to have the notes I would want in my One Perfume to Rule Them All (if there's no peach or ylang ylang, I’m not forsaking the rest of my collection). But more to the point, I don't want just one. I've been writing up the things I've been trying for a few months now, and I enjoy the experimenting. But I appreciate what Noteworthy's trying to do, especially for wearers who want something straightforward, and I was perfectly happy to let my sister be the one to try them.

(I did take the quiz, though, and after telling them I don’t like aquatic scents, they said they would send me one that smells like the beach. I closed the tab. My sister told the quiz that she does not like florals and she does not like amber. You’ll never guess what happened next!)

So her Discovery Kit arrived yesterday. She announced this by texting me,

I’m gonna give you feedback from [Nephew] smelling the perfume

Me: Yeah?

As you may recall from one of my music posts, my nephew is six.

(My sister gave me permission to post this.)

n,841

Lemon, tarragon, cedar wood. A powerful, understated blend of citrus and woods. Drawing from poetry’s ability to spark joy and inspiration, this bright lemon and bergamot blend leaves an instant impression before mellowing out into a rich amber and leather base.

My sister: [Nephew] said

smells like raspberries or being in a dungeon like down in a well

Me: ……..I do not see any of those things on the card

n,551

Lily of the valley, amber, sandalwood. A sensual, comforting, woody scent that cocoons the wearer in notes of warm, glowing sandalwood and cozy, soft cashmere—freshened up with Lily of the Valley.

smells like lime juice or being inside a pumpkin

n,307

Mandarin, basil, sandalwood. Inspired by nostalgic childhood trips to lemon groves, fresh flowers swirling together in the summer breeze, and the radiant colors of perfectly ripe citrus, this energizing fragrance stars juicy mandarin and soft sandalwood, plus light notes of basil.

green grape juice or being on top of an umbrella at the beach

Me: that’s very specific

n,057

Passionfruit, vanilla, tonka bean. Let n,057 become your signature: remarkable, evocative and distinctly yours. Keep your fragrance at home or take our travel spray with you. Fitting snugly in your purse, pocket, or suitcase, it's the perfect on-the-go perfume.

My sister: I think he’s losing his focus on this last one. He said

lemon juice at the lemon store

My perfume sample budget got used up on, like, ugh, actual necessities this month, or I'd give Noteworthy a try for science. On a second try, my quiz results were (very likely overlapping with my sister's):

A captivating blend of warm woods and zesty citrus, like strolling through a sun-drenched forest grove. An intriguing fusion of exotic spices and earthy notes, evoking the vibrant energy of a bustling cityscape. A delightful combination of tropical fruits and delicate florals, reminiscent of a refreshing breeze in a lush garden. And for an unexpected wild card fragrance, a scent that defies expectations because science cannot always predict desire.

Currently, my sister says that she can tell that the Noteworthy fragrances are well-made, but they're not "her"; apparently she's in the 11% algorithm failure group—or maybe she just needs time for them to grow on her! Who knows! She'll bring over her samples for Sunday dinner, and I'll report back if they do, in fact, smell like being inside a pumpkin.

Perfume discussion masterpost

#perfume #perfume discussion #long post #I'm a little nervous about this because like chanel is not gonna get up in my business #but an indie company might #honestly I think my nephew's descriptions are fairly appealing #don't lie; at least some of you want to smell like a dungeon #peak hilarity: I try one of hers and fall in love with it

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aeb-art · 4 months

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cringe is dead or whatever so… here's a super rough comic about geo getting smooched at a new year's eve party o7 (the mall toons of course belong to @8um8le)

happy new year, go kiss a robot xoxo

#2023 #stellar city #sc mall toons #sc geo #sc tele #sc hydro #sc pyro #sc ash #self insert #self ship #wish you all a lovely 2024 xoxo #making geo's clouds explode like a bomb went off lmao #i made the little icons go with their nicknames not their models entirely bc i wanted a television for tele bc i thought it'd be funny #idk why but my favorite panel is just them on the couch i think it's so cute #okay now that i've rambled… i'm like extremely nervous about posting this idk i can't shake the feeling that it's wrong somehow #like i'm indulging to close to the sun idk i'm gonna schedule this so i forget about it by the time it's up #okay i need to go make my brain shut up bye #geo.exe has stopped responding

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paintaya · 8 months

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my beloaved <3 mnfjfdh normally i try to sketch a character traditionally first to get a grasp of their design BUT I WAS IMPATIENT,,, and insult to injury is that i knowwww i can only draw faces like this once in a blue moon o|-< BUT ITS OKAY. anything for my girl i love her so much

also some bonus pitaya under ze cut

having fun with colour palettes, i saw that one and was like oh yes perfect for my little stinky boy!

this one was just me messing w their concept design!! i gave up pretty fast though MFDGN they have a very bulky/clunky design and i chose a pose that made it blend in too much :P i need to use more green... some day... bah i rlly wanna do something w their concept form cause it was really interesting!! making a deal with a dragon, and slowly losing yourself and your memories as you become one too...??? HELLO I LOVE IT? very minor note is that their facial marks are a bit more scraggly than i normally draw them :() i thought it'd be cool to have them a bit more like runny mascara when you cry? because. memory issues are... just a bit upsetting... :')

#my art #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #crk #fanart #caramel arrow cookie #pitaya dragon cookie #also i almost lost my whole account trying to post this MDFKSNFGMDG i completely forgot what email i used for this account!#cookie run fanart #yeah #i always get so nervous the read-mores are gonna FAIL and i'm gonna look like a STUPID LITTLE IDIOT!! but thats what tumblr is all about!!!#making a fool of yourself.#yeah <3

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erabundus · 5 months

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HAPPY BLOG ANNIVERSARY!

it's officially midnight here, which means i'm allowed to post this! so ... happy one year anniversary of enduring the plague of avalon upon your dashboards! alternatively, thank you so much for giving me a place to babble about my #1 favorite comfort character who has experienced zero comfort. ( i swear i am being SO NORMAL about this. yes i did literally buy cake and party hats. ) whether we speak on the daily, you've just gotten here or anywhere in between, i want to extend my sincerest gratitude for being on this absolutely wild ride of a blog with me. there's been ups and downs, but ultimately i feel like my passion for writing has been ignited stronger than it's ever been before. i am still always so excited whenever i get the chance to log on here and create stories with all of you — and i wouldn't have that opportunity if it wasn't for this little corner of the internet you've helped make truly special.

there are so many of you i feel lucky to have met. ( and so many i would love to get to know better, too! ) i hope we can continue writing together for many more anniversaries to come. and if the day ever comes that they finally pull the plug on this cockroach of a hellsite, i'll forever remember this community as the rpc that got me to laugh at petrichor.

have a wonderful day / night! i'm sharing the cake with everyone in spirit.

#𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. ◟ ooc .◝#( i struggle sometimes because i know i tend to hide behind my muses / headcanons / ic posts --#because i am honestly just so bad about talking about / as myself & i think part of it has to do with me being really nervous / awkward )#( we all love ye olde social anxiety & the myriad of ways it manifests etc etc )#( but!! i just wanted to do / say something silly because i really do appreciate you all so much )#( even if we don't actively talk / write imagine me liking your posts as a little high five of appreciation for what you create here )#( this blog & rpc have helped me grow so much both as a writer and as a person. )#( having a place to express my interests & meet other people with similar interests has had such a positive effect on my life )#( i'm making plans to meet my best friend in person one day and it's only happening because i made this account & reblogged a gifset )#( yes it's sappy but i really do mean every word )

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asjjohnson · 6 months

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I did a vine theme for pumpkin carving this year. A pumpkin pumpkin and a rose pumpkin.

I'd made a poll asking whether to do vines or draw Dan and Valerie from Danny Phantom, or both. ...And although 'vines' won, the idea of adding something Dan and Val related was too compelling. The thought of deep red roses with their thorns being like Valerie. ...And, well, I suppose Dan's like a big heavy pumpkin being thrown at stuff?

I tried making the plants wrap around an object representing them, Dan in a D shape and Valerie in a triangle shape. Though it's not very noticeable.

#pumpkin #jack o lantern #halloween #vines #roses #danny phantom #dan phantom #valerie gray #asj post #asj art #the Valerie one turned out better. It was the second one I did. I changed methods a little for it.#oops. I got the trigger for Valerie's multi-weapon wrong. I should've checked.#(the weapon was once misidentified as her Ecto-Grenade Launcher; but that's actually a different weapon.)#I also thought the way pumpkin flowers are oddly brighter in the center might give a ghostly look. Though I hadn't carved them very well.#I would've gone about it differently if that had been the second pumpkin. I'm always too nervous during my first pumpkins.#These are the largest pie pumpkins I've bought so far. They're a little bigger than two years ago and a lot bigger than last year.#They're 25 and 24 inches in circumference.#...It took a day and a half to carve each one.#The 1st pumpkin I scraped out the vines. But for the 2nd one I did a vector technique on the vines and leaves where I drew outlines & dug.#...I still think pumpkins aren't really vines but it's simpler to say that as a shorthand for 'climbing plant'.#I might add some alternate views in a reblog later.

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wylanslcve · 9 months

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to the bone ━━━ a six of crows one-shot.

spoiler warning: this is not a safe space for fans who have only watched the show and do not want to have wylan's story spoiled for them in case we get the spin-off. this one-shot is based off a scene that is referenced in six of crows, and contains heavy spoilers for wylan's backstory which hasn't yet been explored in the showverse (I say "yet" because I'm holding onto hope that we'll get that spin-off asdfghjkl).

summary: ever since jan van eck had hired him for the mission at the ice court, kaz intended to use wylan as leverage against his father. but wylan had known from the start, from the moment that kaz had told him that he'd be excellent at hostage, that that wouldn't be effective. not when he'd been nothing but a disappointment to his father. not when van eck was hellbent on forgetting that he ever had a son. wylan couldn't keep it hidden anymore. kaz needed to know the truth. (or: the scene where wylan tells kaz about his disability.)

author's note: this work is a submission for grishaverse disability pride day by @gvdisabledpride that will also be available on ao3, so if you also see this work there... that's why :)

content warning: descriptions of ableism, mentions of past child abuse, ptsd

ABOARD THE FEROLIND after the battle at the Djerholm harbour, Wylan lay curled up in his cot below deck, waiting for the moment the sway of the ship would lull him to sleep.

Except he knew it probably wouldn't. He'd been lying in his cot for what felt like hours, tossing and turning, desperately trying to silence his racing thoughts and just fall asleep. He tried to focus on the sound of the sea muffled by the hull of the Ferolind, on the sway of the ship as it journeyed closer and closer to Ketterdam — but the freezing cold wasn't doing him any favours, and neither was that anxious gnawing in his gut.

The mission had been, considerably, a success: they'd escaped the Ice Court in one piece, with Kuwei Yul-Bo stashed away in one of the other cabins and the promise of thirty million kruge awaiting them back in Ketterdam. Wylan would get his share and leave this life behind. He'd journey somewhere far away, never having to speak the name Van Eck again.

Van Eck…

Wylan swallowed the bile rising up inside him. Kaz had intended to use him as leverage against his father, lest the plan go awry and Van Eck was suddenly uncooperative. “Wylan isn’t just good with the flint and fuss,” he'd announced that first day on the Ferolind, right before he'd revealed Wylan's true identity to the rest of the crew. “He's our insurance.”

Wylan shut his eyes, curled up tighter in his cot. His heart was starting to beat a little faster, a hummingbird trapped inside a cage, and he forced his breath slowly through his chest — a deep breath through his nose, shattering the silence that had thickened around him. Kaz had kept him close to use him as leverage against Van Eck, but one thing the older boy wasn't aware of was that Wylan couldn't be their insurance. Not when his father wanted him to disappear. Not when he was attempting to forget he ever had a son. Not when his new wife, Alys, was bearing the heir of the Van Eck empire — a proper hier, not the defective one he’d received in Wylan. Not the one who’d turn the Van Eck name into a laughingstock.

I have to tell Kaz.

Instinctively, his fingers reached up to touch his neck. He could still feel Prior's meaty hands clasped tightly around it, his grip firm and relentless as Wylan grew dizzy and black spots slowly filled his vision. He sat up, hoping the feeling would subside if he got up and let more air fill his lungs — and yet, the feeling of his throat constricting persisted, and a suffocating, uncontrollable panic welled up in him.

He hugged his knees to his chest and slowly rocked himself back and forth with his head buried in his arms, horrified by how his breath was coming out in short, shallow whimpers as the memories came flooding back, by how the tears prickled the corners of his eyes as his father's voice echoed in his ears.

A child half your age can effortlessly do what you cannot.

I've tried everything I possibly could. I've tried tutors, specialists, I've tried forcing that stubbornness out of you and yet you refuse to be taught.

You can't be sent anywhere because your defect might be revealed.

“Get out of my head,” Wylan whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as he continued to rock himself back and forth. “Get out of my head.”

Once you reveal yourself to be defective, they'll turn your back on you. They'll leave you as you were: the wayward son of one of the richest men in Ketterdam.

“Get… Get out of my head.”

But the voice was persistent, unwelcome. You worthless fool. You soft-pated idiot.

He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, blinking back the tears that formed a painful lump in his throat. He swallowed, trying to force it down to no avail, and a fresh flare of panic swelled within him. Someone could walk into his cabin at any moment and see him in this state: rocking back and forth with his head in his hands, chest shuddering over and over as he gasped for air, begging the voice in his head to lapse into silence. And yet, there was nothing he could do about it. He felt detached from his own body, as though he were watching himself from the perspective of an outsider, helpless against the wave of shame overcoming him.

He stayed like that until the jittery feeling coursing through him had subsided enough for him to think rationally again. Above that irrefutable voice in the back of his mind, he once again thought about revealing his greatest shame to Kaz. What would happen if he just stayed there on his cot, if he never told Kaz that he couldn't be used as leverage against his father? And what would happen if Van Eck double-crossed them, and there wasn't any good enough insurance to ensure that the six of them would get their money? Their efforts would have been futile, and none of them would get what they'd initially sought — and it might as well be his fault.

His body starting to tremble, Wylan forced himself to stand up from his cot. Just do one thing at a time. Just like his tutor had taught him in order to stop him from getting overwhelmed by the page. Stand up. He slid off the edge of the cot, straightened as his feet touched the ground. Take a deep breath. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath through his nose. Open your eyes. He opened his eyes and forced himself to walk. Go find Kaz. He assumed Kaz would be in his own cabin, scheming away, concocting backup plans for their backup plans in case anything went wrong.

He quietly left his cabin, making his way down the Ferolind's lower deck to find Kaz. He found the older boy sitting on the cot in his own cabin, staring intently at the floor with one hand gripping the crow head of his cane.

“Kaz?” Wylan swallowed frantically, his skin burning hot as he fought the words to come through. “I… I won't be leverage enough against my father. I know I'm supposed to be your… insurance, but I can't be. It won't be enough.”

Kaz sat up straighter, his free hand curling over the head of his cane as he looked up at Wylan. “And why is that?”

Something about Kaz's cold glare, his rock-salt rasp as he asked the question, sent a chill rippling over every inch of Wylan's skin. He wanted to scream. He wanted to bolt back to his cabin, hide beneath the paper-thin covers until he vanished completely. He wanted the floor to open up beneath him, to be dragged by the rolling waves into the depths of the sea. He wanted to disappear, just like his father wanted him to.

I have to tell him.

“I…” The roar of blood in his ears was deafening, drowning out the murmur of the waves outside the Ferolind's hull. That shameful helplessness was taut in his belly, a knot incapable of coming unravelled.

You just have to say it. You just have to say you can't read.

His father's taunts reverberated in his mind. Defective. Imbecile. Worthless. Broken. Disgraceful. Idiot. Useless. He was choking on them. They pressed against his throat like Prior's iron grip closing around it all those months ago, dirty fingernails digging into the skin of his neck. His cheeks burnt with shame despite the cold sweat that had broken out over every part of his body. His heart was a war drum beneath his ribs, his chest too tight, his breath too short and shallow. Take a deep breath. He couldn't. His clothes felt tight around his body — too tight, as though they stuck to him.

“I… I have an affliction.” Uttering those words aloud was enough to send a violent roil through Wylan's stomach, and he had to stop himself from throwing up. This was it. There was no taking back those words: he was halfway there.

Kaz merely sat there, looking rather impatient with his gloved hands folded over the crow's head of his cane. Wylan couldn't imagine what he looked like in this moment: red-faced, a trembling hand near his lips as if he were about to bite his nails, his eyes not meeting Kaz's.

It felt like the walls of the cabin were closing in on him, Prior's hands tightening around his throat as the latter half of his confession choked him. The waters he'd leapt into all those months ago were rising around him, filling his lungs and numbing his limbs with its icy grasp. He tried to fight against it, but the water was weighing him down, his limbs useless against the tide as he drowned in the murky waters of the Ketterdam harbour.

He drew another deep, shuddering breath.

Spit it out.

“I… I can't read,” he finally gasped, and the water receded.

There. He'd said it. He'd revealed his shame to Kaz, his voice barely above a whisper lest the sea around them carry his shame across its rolling waves and let the whole world know about Jan Van Eck's defective child.

Kaz's piercing glare was still on him, as if expecting him to say more. His expression remained as cold and calculating as ever — had he known about this too, just as he'd known about Wylan's true identity? Did Wylan have any tells that gave away his shame — his face growing pale at the sight of the tangled scrawl of words across a page, staring at it for too long hoping that he'd recognise the shapes of the words? Or had Kaz been surprised? Had this been the one thing he hadn't seen coming? His gaze was piercing and unreadable, but Wylan sucked in another breath and continued, trying to keep his voice steady.

“It's not that no one tried to teach me, lots of people did. But I just can't do it. It's like something in me refuses to do it.” That was what his father used to drill into him throughout his childhood, and the memory filled him with a sickening dread.

“I'm…” Wylan moistened his lips thoughtfully, trying to phrase his next words carefully without having the entire shameful story out in the open. The story of his father sending him away, supposedly to study music in Belendt. Of his Miggson and Prior trying to kill him, of him leaping into the murky canal with nothing but his satchel, fake enrolment papers and a soaked-through stash of kruge. “To him, I'm not worth losing. You can't use me as leverage if I'm not good enough insurance. There has to be another way around this, because this won't work. I know it won't.”

Kaz averted his gaze thoughtfully, then shrugged before standing up, leaning on his cane. That was his only response — a shrug. Had Wylan not been so afraid, so shaken by that shameful helplessness, he would have burst out laughing: he'd just revealed his defect to Kaz Brekker — the Bastard of the Barrel, the boy they called Dirtyhands in the grimy streets of the Barrel — and he'd merely shrugged. Shouldn't he be concerned with what to do with Wylan, now that he'd found out that his demolitions expert was just a useless fool evicted from his father's home?

“We'll have to work around that, then,” Kaz responded in that low, raspy voice. His eyes met Wylan's, boring into him as though searching for some semblance of worth within him, something that would compensate for his other failings. A pinprick of discomfort shot up Wylan's spine at the prolonged eye contact, but Kaz's eyes left his as he scanned Wylan from the top of his head down to the tips of his toes and back up again.

Wylan just stood there, completely stunned. He'd expected Kaz to sneer at him, or laugh at his affliction and refuse to give him his share of their reward once they'd reached Ketterdam. He'd expected the knot in his stomach to tighten, the shame growing, but he felt it loosen ever so slightly with the odd sense of relief and liberation that came with revealing his condition to Kaz.

“And how do you suppose we do that?” Wylan asked, his voice a low croak. “What other leverage could we possibly use?”

Kaz looked towards the door of his cabin, then back at Wylan. Kaz Brekker saw the world as though it were a puzzle, and he studied Wylan like he was a piece of that puzzle that didn't fit where he'd thought it would — but now, it seemed, he'd found another place he could slot that piece into without having to tear the entire project apart. “Lest Van Eck double-crosses us, we'll have to stop him from getting what he wants.”

Wylan's brow furrowed. “And how, exactly, would we do that?”

“Nina's a passable Tailor at best — but, under the influence of parem, she could achieve something that shouldn't be possible. Not even in the hands of the most gifted Tailor.” Wylan swallowed thickly as Kaz continued. “We'll have her tailor you to look like Kuwei, and hand you off to your father.”

Wylan's heart stuttered at that. He was no stranger to Kaz's elaborate and unbelievable schemes — after all, they'd stolen a tank from a high-security prison — but this was different. This was absurd. Wylan agreeing to be tailored to look like Kuwei was a death wish: the Shu boy was valuable, certainly with large bounties on his head. He held the secret to the world's greatest threat, one that could wreak havoc if it fell into the wrong hands. Wylan could have refused — he should have refused, if he wanted to make it back to Ketterdam alive. Instead, he cleared his throat and responded with an assertive, “I'll do it.”

For a split second, a surprised look flashed in Kaz's eyes, but disappeared as quickly as it came. He expected me to refuse, Wylan thought as his cheeks heated with embarrassment once again.

“It may be permanent,” Kaz warned him.

Wylan shook his head. “I need to know. Once and for all, I need to know what my father really thinks of me.”

Kaz cast him an almost pitying look. “Surely Van Eck would have some qualms about ending your life—”

“He wouldn't,” Wylan asserted, picking at the skin of his lip, that ill feeling returning as the reality dawned on him. Van Eck had tried to kill him once, what would stop him from trying again? “I'll bet you that.”

“How much?”

“Ten kruge.”

Kaz's lip curled in a grin. “Surely your father wouldn't be so callous.”

Wylan shrugged. “You'd be surprised.”

“Nothing surprises me, merchling. That's why I'm still alive.” Kaz walked past Wylan and made his way to the cabin's entrance. “I'm going to fill Nina in on the plan. Go to her cabin within the hour.”

Wylan nodded as Kaz left the cabin, leaving Wylan alone with nothing but his own racing thoughts. When he'd finally gotten himself to move, he walked back to his own cabin and propped himself down on his cot, his body still trembling with the aftermath of confessing his greatest shame to Kaz. His fingers itched the way they always did whenever he yearned to play his flute or the piano in the music room of his father's house. Ghezen and his works, he wanted nothing more than to snatch his satchel up from the foot of his cot and grab his flute. He wanted to close his eyes and bring the instrument to his lips, letting the world disappear around him as the notes wrapped him in his own story — one free of the shame and fear he'd carried for so long, one that made his heart flutter with joy as the music flooded a soothing warmth through him. But he couldn't bring himself to even glance in the direction of his satchel.

He thought back to Kaz's unchanged expression at his admission, the light, dismissive shrug of his shoulders. The shame still gnawed at Wylan, but there was also the strange relief of getting something off his chest despite it, as though telling Kaz had freed something in him — something that had been encased in the chains of his father's contempt for as long as he could remember.

It's not too late to decline, pressed that voice in the back of his mind.

He shook his head assertively — if this is what had to be done to ensure the crew got their money, then so be it. And yet… he was terrified and horribly anxious.

He looked down at his hands, his eyes tracing over the creases of his slender fingers, the little scars with no clear origin along his skin, the crescent outlines on his palms from digging his nails into them. Within the hour, they weren't going to be his hands anymore — they'd be Kuwei's. Slowly, he buried his face in his hands, sighing deeply as his fingers raked through the tufts of hair that brushed his forehead. The face in his hands wouldn't be his anymore, and neither would the hair between his fingers. With Nina's power, he'd soon become the most valuable person in the world. He was terrified, but that wouldn't stop him from doing what he needed to. From ensuring that he and the rest of this crew got their money.

From finally learning what his father truly thought of him.

Van Eck had made it clear as Wylan grew up that there was no space for his son in his household. He'd made it clear that he wanted Wylan disappear for as long as it took him to forget that he ever had a son. And yet, a part of him hoped that maybe he'd misunderstood everything. That his father did indeed love him unconditionally just as any father loved his child.

Wylan lifted his head from his hands and started gnawing at his thumbnail. He wouldn't know for certain until the rest of Kaz's plan was carried out, when his face and name were no longer his.

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