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love-beyond-space-war · 9 months

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Can I have Dom x reader where they fall in love after maria passes and Dom survives the events of gears 3?

I'm rusty but I managed to remember what I could about the plot of Gears 3 to write this AU :) We about to get real sad with this one. My main blog is slowing down so hopefully I can pay more attention to this one :D Hoping this is long enough!

Filling The Void

Dominic Santiago x Female! Reader

Synopsis: Even with the war over Dominic is still not in the best place mentally. Dom feels like he's lost it all with the passing of his wife... then you reminded him he still has someone after the war other than Marcus. Maybe you're what he needs to feel the aches in his body?

Content Warning: Romantic Pairing, Female/Male pairing, Angst, Depressing themes, Grief, Mentions or mercy killing (Maria's fate in canon), PTSD, Mentions of war/post war fic, Dom's scared to be in another relationship, Guilt.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds. With the Lambent and Locust gone Dom should feel relieved. It's just that... he and Marcus both have lost so much to get to this point.

Dom couldn't get the image out of his head. The images of Maria's face, a shell of her former self. Dom still thinks of when he had to pull the trigger....

It had to be done, he knows this, but...

Part of him wonders if he should've left this world with her.

Dom's thoughts leave him the moment he feels a hand on his back. The touch shocks him, the sudden comfort makin him quickly turn around. His wide eyes soften when he realizes he isn't in any danger.

You stand behind him with a soft smile in your face. You and Marcus had always been there for him after the war. Especially after Maria....

During the Locust war you had been a rookie for Delta Squad. Normally rookie's don't get too far yet you managed to thrive. Pretty soon by the end of it all you had become your own person no longer having to wear the usual COG armor.

You had always been dedicated to your team. Even after the war you tried to keep track of Delta Squad. Far as Dom knows you weren't just in contact with him and Marcus, you most likely talk with Cole and Baird when they have time.

It surprised Dom when you said you wanted to stick by him even after the war. He already expected Marcus to stick by him but not you. Despite the surprise... he will admit you've helped a lot.

"See you're deep in thought...." You admit, sitting beside Dom. Dom moves back to look at the view of Sera. Sometimes he just needs to sit and think... he needs to cope.

"As usual." He sighs, trying to ignore your piercing stare. He knows what you're going to say and he isn't sure if he wants to answer.

"Thinking about Maria?" You ask, wary of re-opening healing wounds. Dom is silent and that confirms your suspicions. He feels your hand on his back again in an attempt to comfort him.

"... Why did you want to stay here with me?" Dom finds himself asking in an attempt to ignore your question. You're taken aback by the question and stop your attempts to comfort him.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is... you're a young woman with a life ahead of her. What do you get from staying with me?" Dom continues, turning to look at you. "The war is over, you don't need to be here anymore."

Dom wonders if he stepped too far when you give an uneasy look. He doesn't mean to come off as harsh. He just wonders... why you are always at his aid.

"... is it so wrong to care?" You ask softly, causing Dom's heart to clench. "If it helps... I see Delta Squad as my family. Plus..."

You're very cautious. He can tell you're worried you're intruding when you shuffle closer. Dom makes no attempt to move.

"I don't think I can leave you by yourself. I think you need someone to care for you." You admit. Dom takes a closer look at you, seeing your face turn a light shade of pink. Part of him finds it a bit cute but he doesn't say anything. Thoughts of Maria flash in his mind and he finds himself looking away again.

"You don't have to do this...." Dom answers softly, secretly he's thankful but worried he'll take too much of your life. He's quickly torn from his guilt when you turn him closer, hands on his forearms.

"I want to do this." Your expression and tone is stern. "I want to do this because I care for you. Admit it... you need someone."

"I don't think I'm ready." Dom admits, realizing what you're implying. You give him a soft smile along with a curt nod.

"That's alright. I just want to be here for you. Take all the time in the world. We all have to grieve at some point." You admit, going to pull away from him.

You weren't expecting Dom to pull you back, however.

You collide with his chest and feel him wrap his arms around you. You respond by mirroring the gesture, hands softly stroking his back. His rests his head on yours.

Time passes and you begin to hear crying.

You say nothing and just allow him to sob on top of you. You didn't like to see him cry... but it's what he needs right now. You understand his suffering.

"Sometimes I feel like I should've gone with her...." Dom admits, a sharp pain panging in your heart.

"Maria wouldn't have wanted that." You murmur, hugging him tighter. "She would've wanted you to live a happy life after the war."

"I know...." Dom shudders, pulling away with a teary face. "I just don't know how to live without her."

"I'm sure you will..." You encourage, keeping a smile to comfort him. "and I'll help you learn."

Dom appears to calm at your words. He really is lucky to have you. You mean so much to him....

Maybe you're right... Maria would want him happy.

"Thank you..." Dom smiles, snaking a hand to the back of your head. "For everything."

Before you realize it Dom is pulling you closer for a kiss. You allow him to brush against your lips, his facial hair tickling you softly. You feel your stomach and heart flutter before he pulls away.

At first you're in shock. Dom chuckles at this and pulls you close again. You lean into him in comfort.

"I may be scared to give my heart to another... but if you stick around long enough, maybe I'll give it to you." Dom confesses.

"Like I said before, I'll be willing to wait." You promise. "I will because I love you... and I just want you happy."

You two decide to spend the rest of your time sitting in silence. It may not have been much but Dom feels the hole in his heart fill just a bit. Perhaps he really can have another chance with you.

In the end maybe things will work out... you're both willing to wait for one another... both willing to take time to heal...

All because deep down... you really do love each other.

#gears x reader #gears of war x reader #dominic santiago x reader #female reader #x female reader

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groovyships · 2 years

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God ok rewatching bjhm again and Sara Lynn…..my poor girl….and it made me think of you and your self ship with her and this might be too angsty of an ask and if so that’s ok you don’t have to answer it BUT!!!! If you/your s/i was in the show, how would you save her?

This is a VERY good question and I really appreciate you asking it!!! I'm going to put the answer under a cut, trigger warning for drugs mentions, I talk about Sarah Lynn's addiction, and also touch on my recreational st0ner habits (positively!) so just look out for that!

I've thought about this exact scenario a lot and every answer I come to is a little bit personally dissatisfying? But I think the least depressing answer is that I'd just. Love her? I'd love her so much and I'd dedicate all of my time to her. I'd never ask her for anything, I need her to know that I'm not just around to use her for something. I feel like the only reason she went on the bender with BJ is because she really, really wants to be loved. He's her father figure. She desperately wants a personal connection, even if her bitterness towards him seeps deep into a lot of their interactions. Nobody in her life loves her just because she's Sarah Lynn. They love her because she's Sarah Lynn. That's just how Hollywoo is. But I really do feel like BoJack loved Sarah Lynn, too. He just wasn't mentally in the right state to express it healthily.

I think I'd start small. I'd be really, really excited for her progress and celebrate with her on small sobriety anniversaries. I'd start encouraging her to look into architect classes, engaging her in conversations about cool buildings (my ultimate headcanon is that she HATES minimalism in architecture since it spawns horrible, ugly buildings) and I'd make SURE she knew how smart she was. I'd sing with her and bring in different silly instruments for us to bang some tunes on.

However, love alone is not enough to keep a person from relapsing. She's severely traumatized, as you know, so I'd also help her look into therapy. I feel like she needs someone partial to just get it all out to. A safe space where she doesn't have to be afraid of personal details getting out to the public. Hopefully it'll help her confront her personal issues in the difficult way, which I know she has trouble with. I'd do my best to make sure she's keeping up with her AA meetings, since I feel like they'd genuinely be helpful for her, and she clearly cares about them since she bothers to keep up with her sobriety chips (to the best of her abilities).

I'm just afraid that it wouldn't work, still? I love her, but all of the effort in the world might not be enough. I don't think she's doomed, not at all. She's an intelligent, loving woman with so much potential. But she has to want to fix herself for... Herself. Otherwise I'm sort of just putting a bandaid over a bullet hole?

I think the hardest part is that I'm traumatized, too. We're both severely damaged people looking for others to love us in meaningful ways. Healing is such a psychedelic concept for me, with lots of colors and intense positive feelings. I'm happiest when I'm smoking a bowl or a blunt with people who care about me, it's just. Refreshing and renewing, and I feel so seen in ways that I usually don't. I want to have those healing experiences with Sarah Lynn, too. One of my favorite selfship things I've done involves that sort of acid trip visualization of healing. It won't fix everything, but it brings us closer and allows us to understand ourselves better in a more abstract way, concepts that can't always be put into words. It's hard to actually say I could help Sarah Lynn in the long run, even though I'd really love to. She means so much to me, she's like my lightning in a bottle, if that makes sense. So I'd try. I'd try very, very hard. I'd just have to rely on other people trying hard for her, too.

#~ophelia's pop ballad~#Thank you for asking this and I'm so sorry I dumped all of this on you. I care about her so much #Sorry if this doesn't make any sense either!! Wow

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sunkern-plus · 25 days

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1, 7, and 13 for Jean Marie

1.) What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

HA that is a question. although ae's naturally quite prone to contemplating quite deep stuff ae ALSO hates being with aer thoughts for longer than .001 seconds, so ae often does impulsive things to avoid thinking. you can see where "jean marie cotard is the two main francises self insert" kinda comes from despite ae being a deuteragonist at most. it's actually what kickstarts aer to both get kicked out of aer grandparents' house because ae is constantly either rummaging through cabinets in search of food, punishing aerself when ae predictably gains weight due to it (ae gets a better body image but aer internalized fatphobia not HELPED by aer genuine gender goal being "i want to be a pretty fat feminine enby" conflicting with aer fear ae won't be taken seriously AND will be seen as ugly especially because ae's median facets make aer REALLY undecided about electrolysis so ae's afraid of looking like a stereotypical fat hairy amab nonbinary person who can't pass but is wearing like. a tutu at walmart or something, except ae's canadian so idk if canada HAS walmarts or what their walmart equivalents are up there), and also having...very risky sexual encounters that almost never end up WITH any actual sex because ae ends up pushing people away because again, median facets conflicted about whether to actually have sex with people or be the good submissive femby that other facets believe ae "should" be. so yeah. incidentally, jean marie's impulsivity is what triggered aer to do the demonic doppleganger summoning ritual in the first place, in the belief that "killing the worst parts of themselves would be like, making the world a better place, right?" (do not play with random demon summoning books, college aged people)

7.) What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

anything that aired on foxbox or ytv circa 2000-2007, usually stuff like cardcaptors or sailor moon (which ae was a huge fan of and usagi was aer first gender goal AND both ami, makoto, and setsuna was aer first crushes....btw the main fronter in jean marie's median system is an aporagender epicene mavrine (as in, the xenogender related to marine life) antheic (an aesthetigender related to love (especially, in jean marie's case, for aer body, gender, and other people), beauty, and aesthetics) femby (as in feminine but not female enby) who also considers aerself an nblw and nblnb but feels "phony" because "even though i know i'm not a man or a woman i still feel like since i wasn't born female i don't deserve to consider myself a nonbinary femme attracted to women"), but ae also surprisingly liked stuff like zoids, megaman battle network, spider riders, and stickin' around. ae loves the feeling of nostalgia ae gets from these shows, but often has unpleasant memories of being bullied for aer exercise intolerance and preference to stay inside, causing aer grandfather to abuse aer for being "too girlish". (this, in addition to aer general lack of alignment with binary womanhood in general and more with concepts ASSOCIATED with femininity, is what kept aer from identifying as a trans woman but ae does consider aerself transfeminine adjacent, though struggles to understand if ae considers aerself wlw-adjacent due to internalized transmisogyny and cissexism as well as genuinely preferring nonbinary people more often to the point ae thought ae was aromantic and asexual because ae KNEW no nonbinary people).

13.) What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

ae thinks ae looks best in pastels and bright "girly" colors like pink and seafoam green, and rock and yuuki both agree ae looks good in those colors. ae's often too insecure to wear those colors, much to the lack of understanding of rock and yuuki, because ae thinks it's like "putting lipstick on a very fat pig in drag".

when ae finally decide to wear the colors ae likes in the styles ae likes even in front of albina and aleksandra, even aleksandra, the characteristic stoic murderbabe (of demons mind you), is stunned and flustered.

(you see where i'm going with this right. jeanyuukirocksandra polycule n4n4n4w)

#francis' ocs #jean marie cotard #japanese culture club #(jean marie cotard is the character's name and japanese culture club is what i've called this baby for YEARS)

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witchcraftandburialdirt · 2 months

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(〇o〇；): What is their body language like when they are stressed? Do they try and hide the fact that they are stressed? How do they recover from said stress?

𝐏𝐇𝐘𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋 𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄

(〇o〇；): What is their body language like when they are stressed? Do they try and hide the fact that they are stressed? How do they recover from said stress?

━━ I have detailed Robin's nervous behavior here but I think its important to recognize that this is how I'm differing the two feelings of nervousness and stress because they are closely related but they're not the same.

Stress is a continued feeling of mental/emotional discomfort as a result of some mishap or anticipated event which triggers the emotion. This generally comes with long term consequences, mental and physical, that can become permanent. Stress alters neural dynamics and precipitates disorders that shape personality traits involving negative affectivity. Nervousness is the state of mind arising out of anxiety and stress which elicit negative behavior patterns; it is one of many reactions that can come from these feelings and is usually fleeting without permanent consequences.

Now that we have that out of the way Robin has a few different ways in which stress affects him; and it is (mostly) all able to be hidden away. Due to growing up in Zaun Robin has had to train himself since childhood to be able to separate the trigger from the emotion afterward; he doesn't directly react to anything and however he does react in that situation is a decision. He can read people like a book and knows exactly what expressions to make and words to say - so he keeps all of his feelings hidden. He doesn't want to shoot himself in the foot by showing any indication of personal weakness, the less the person knows about him, the more he has the upper hand. He's rarely interested in people, at least in the long haul, and this really helps him play with them. Vulnerability is weird, it's basically like giving your enemies ammo to shoot you with - but again when at any point in his life he's personally been "vulnerable" with someone, it's typically pre-planned to workout in his favor and get their trust.

Is this entire thing a huge stress response from his childhood? Oh yeah.

And because of this I don't think Robin will ever be able to "recover" from that stress - it's part of him and has been part of him since the moment he breathed Zaun's rancid air in. His mind has been changed and forced into this survival tactic to cope with the reality of his environment and eventually he doubled down on it once his family was lost. Clinically he's chronically stressed but will never be able to recognize it and will get annoyed with anyone who points it out - all except Abel. Shockingly Abel is the one "person" in the entire world that Robin can just ... emote around without repercussions due to the Faustian bargain between both of them.

Granted now even that safe place it gone.

Robin has a few physical indications that he does utilize when indicating that he's deep in thought though, since he doesn't show any direct stress reactions, so if your muse notices this congratulations they've managed to intrigue him (even if its only for a short while). He stims in quite a few ways, he is often seen twirling parts of his hair, particularly this piece, its the same across every universe he is in:

Another thing he does is tut or lick the cut in his lip, its become a very bad habit for him but he can't seem to stop doing it. He pulls his gloves tight, fiddles with his earring, and readjusts his cuffs too - he likes to keep his hands busy.

#ℝ𝕆𝔹𝕀ℕ 𝔸. 𝔹𝔸𝕌𝔻𝔼𝕃𝔸𝕀ℝ𝔼 ... 【 ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏɴ-ᴇʏᴇᴅ ᴍᴀɢᴇ 】#physical detail meme #heredis sanguinis #mun speaks #i could talk about robin all day fr

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tarnishedxknight · 3 months

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Do you have any pets?

What is your favorite color(s)?

What song is stuck in your head right now?

Favorite movie?

What is your favorite candy?

{out of dalmasca} Omg you asked the song one. I feel like I'm gonna rant about that one haha. Okay, here we go... under a cut for length as usual haha.

Do you have any pets?

Not currently, no. I haven't had another since my hamster Smudgie died a while ago. My life situation and having my grandmother living with is making it very hard to get another pet. But over the years I've had all sorts of pets. A cat, four rabbits, fish, several iguanas, mice, rats, hamsters, guinea pigs, even shrimp, snails, and a Madagascar hissing cockroach, haha. Oh, and water fleas. Listen... they are a lot cuter than you might thing. They have tiny black beady eyes, lol. They're not actually fleas, they're crustaceans, and to me they look more like shrimp from some angles, but... on a much teenier scale. You can learn about them here. Sorry the science geek in me is hanging out, lemme tuck it back in, haha.

What is your favorite color(s)?

Black. I just... love black. I'm a witchy goth girl, haha. But I also love purple, gray, blue, and deep forest green.

What song is stuck in your head right now?

The piano theme to "Cigarette Burns," an episode of the Masters of Horror show. I recently decided to start watching Masters of Horror again because there are some really great episodes. Not all are good, but some are amazing. They're one-hour horror stories done by all different influential horror directors. If you watch the free streaming service Tubi, they have the full two seasons of the show all for free. Just be warned, many of the episodes contain a lot of triggering material, such as gore, body horror, and extreme violence. The point is for the horror directors to show off what they can do, so there's a lot of very convincing makeup jobs and special effects, heh, so take care.

"Cigarette Burns" is my favorite episode. I don't know how many times I've seen it. I love the story, but I also watch it for how it makes me feel. For some reason, every time I watch it, it inspires my creativity so much as a writer. I've never done anything with it, really... as far as being inspired to write something from it or about it or inspired by it, but someday I'd like to. I'll blab a little about it below, but if you want to watch it yourself, be warned. It does have a lot of triggering material in it such as: suicide, self-harm, drug addiction, amputation, disembowelment, gore, body horror, mental illness, and obsessive behavior.

As far as the song, you can listen to it here, but that video is the entire soundtrack to the whole episode, so you only have to listen to the first 1:22 minutes to hear the song that's stuck in my head right now.

Okay so... a little more about "Cigarette Burns" and why it inspires me so much as a writer. The basic concept (don't worry I'm not going to get into too many details of the story or anything too triggering here) is that, in the world of underground snuff film making, someone set out to make the snuff film to end them all. He wanted to make the worst film anybody had ever seen and have the prestige of saying he had made the most viscerally heinous film in existence. So, I think it is implied that some occult worship was needed to accomplish this, but basically what he and other people who helped make the film did, was to capture an angel (something I love is that the episode never once using the A-word, heh, but it's so obvious that the creature is an angel), enslave it, torture it, and amputate its wings... and film the entire thing.

What happened was that the angel's I guess spirit became bound to the negative of the film (it was shot old-school style on a reel). The concept was that... the evil of torturing and mutilating this holy being produced so much evil and so much bad karma, that the film negative itself became evil. People connected with the making of the film dropped like flies. Anyone who watched it to completion was driven to murder others or harm themselves. Anyone who sought to find the original negative of it, or who started to watch it but then chickened out and couldn't finish it, became obsessed with it for the rest of their lives in various unhealthy ways. Theaters that screened the movie ended up burning down or were otherwise destroyed. If you had any demons, guilt, weaknesses, desires, vices, obsessions, etc., the film would "know" and exploit them somehow to drive you slowly insane.

The plot centers around an eccentric and rich collector who collects oddities, specifically of a shocking or terrible nature. He keeps the original angel (wingless still, he has the wings hanging on a wall like hunting trophies) as his slave, shackled to a turntable that can rotate when the guy pushes a button. It's... so depraved that you so want this guy to get it in the end, haha. But that's not enough for him, so he commissions a private investigator type but for locating movie artifacts, heh, to find the original negative of La Fin Absolue du Monde, a.k.a. the Absolute End of the World, which is the name of the film. Various creepy and violent things ensue as this guy searches for the movie and then eventually brings it to his client.

I won't ruin the rest of the plot or the ending in case you want to watch it for yourselves, but the concept to me is so interesting and inspiring as a writer. Imagine doing something so terrible to a completely pure being that the evil of it permeates the very film your making and then radiates out through everyone the film touches? I love the creative concept of semi-sentient evil without a form, like... evil that just... is. It's not a creature or a ghost or a being of any kind... it's just evil that came about as a result of the actions of people. I think the metaphor there is incredible to ponder, how our actions have far-reaching consequences, and one evil act can affect the lives of many for generations to come.

I also loved the angel aspect of the story, because... well, I do love me some fantasy or horror angels, heh. But yeah, the word "angel" was never used, but I mean obviously the creature was an angel with the wings, the white coloration, the way it referred to itself as "we", the odd shape of its head and its larger-than-human eyes. I love, though, that they didn't overexplain what it was, or how it was captured, they just left it mysterious. Less is more with both writing and movies, folks, I've learned this over the years. Also, showing not telling. I was able to know it was an angel without anyone having to tell me, and that means it was portrayed well.

Alright, I've blabbed enough about this. On to the next question, haha.

Favorite movie?

Kaze no tani no naushika (風の谷のナウシカ), a.k.a. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. It's a Miyazaki film from Ghibli Studios that was released in 1984. I adore it with every fiber of my being for the animation style, the story, the characters, and honestly the environmentalism and anti-war themes that are still so relevant today as they were in the 80s. Plus it has an adorable fox-squirrel named Teto based on the Fennec fox, and large riding birds that remind me of chocobos. =)

I have a funny story I'd like to share about this. And I may have already told it on this blog, honestly I don't remember, so if I did, just ignore me right now, haha. When I was little and watching this movie, I hadn't studied Japanese yet. My parents knew nothing about anime or the Japanese language, they just... bought me a VHS tape (yes I'm THAT old) of a movie called Warriors of the Wind. I KNOW, I KNOW... I'm sorry to everyone who knows a lot about this movie and who is now offended that I just spoke the name of The Movie That Shall Not Be Named, hahaha, but my childhood self didn't know any better. I didn't know there was a Japanese version, or that the version I fell in love with was 90 minutes long when the real movie was 210 minutes. I didn't know the American version removed all the environmentalism and much of the story.

Even the cover of the VHS tape is utterly ridiculous and honestly insulting to the movie. There are characters and monsters on the cover that aren't even in the film, and the main character, Nausicaä, is riding... a... a pegasus or something? If I remember correctly? Not only was there never a pegasus in the movie, but she flew a little glider, not even a living thing, heh.

ANYway... so I grew up watching this movie and loving it, and as a child, I looked up to and idolized the main character, Nausicaä. She was like... my hero, heh. My badass girl who could do anything. As a child, I loved playing with pill bugs, who were the inspirations for the Ohmu in the movie, one of the creatures Nausicaä had a natural rapport with. She was kindof like a post-apocalyptic, anime Snow White, in that she had this natural connection to nature, animals, and the environment, and was just the purest soul. But I grew up watching the 90-minute butchered version of the movie, so I didn't see any of the childhood flashbacks of her playing with a baby Ohmu and then having people take it away from her to kill it. Or anything to do with the environmentalism, which I'll get to now...

Fast forward 20 years, and I'm going to college for biological sciences, specifically environmental microbiology. More specifically, using bacteria to clean contaminated/poisoned water, soil, and sediments. Contaminant remediation using bacteria and plants, basically. I would study how the bacteria could facilitate either the breakdown of contaminants before the plants could take them up through the soil into their roots and harm them, or if the plants already took up the contaminants into their cells, how bacteria can "talk" to plants and stimulate the plants' own immune systems to break down the contaminants themselves. It was a fascinating field and I wish I had been able to do research in it for a longer time.

I was knee deep into my research, a degree under my belt, when I started getting into anime a lot more and studying Japanese and I found out... that my favorite movie had a whole other Japanese version that had an extra half hour I haven't even seen before. Needless to say I got a copy as fast as I could and couldn't wait to watch it, and I was blown away by what I saw.

All the scenes that were deleted where all things that I was doing, or doing similarly, to the main character. She had her own laboratory and was conducting research using spores she collected from a forest that had been contaminated long ago by the industrial activity of civilizations past. She was trying to find a way to cure the plants of their poisonous nature, and found that it wasn't the plants, but rather the soil and the water that was poisoned. When the spores from these plants were grown in clean water and soil, the results were not toxic to humans.

Guys, I cried. I honestly cried, haha. I had this moment of like... did I just end up in the same field of research as this fictional character I idolized as a child? Without even knowing it because the version I grew up watching had deleted all those scenes? I don't know why that hit me so funny, but it did, and it's only made me love the movie even more. I haven't seen it in a while and that needs to be rectified, heh.

Here is an amv that I have loved for so many years of footage of this movie set to a song from what is probably my second favorite movie, Loved By the Sun from Legend (1985). SIde note, if you want to know what started my love for and inspired me to create my own angels (like Aryx on my multi) and demons and write original books about them, check Legend out. It's... an admittedly corny fantasy movie by most people's standards today, but I adore it and if you can give it a chance, it's amazing in my opinion. But anyway, the song combined with scenes from Nausicaä... *chef's kiss*.

What is your favorite candy?

Hmm... I don't think I have a favorite candy, but I have a favorite flavor of candy. I love... everything mint. Preferably with chocolate as well. So... thin mints, Andes candies, York Peppermint Patties, peppermints, candy canes, etc. Just gimme all ur mintz. *grabby hands* XD

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{about the mun}#tw: violence mention

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thea-dacity · 1 year

Text

Thinking about the last time that she had a flounce of this variety, which was last September (2022). Like she's always simmering but it usually takes something that I said in passing to someone else to get her to snap like this and I know its always something like... she's been talking to her mother, or one of B's moms said something, or something just hasn't been going right for some reason and she needs to make us feel bad about doing normal things.

On this instance of last September, it was because I had said to B that we apologize in advance if we seem to be hogging the playstation in the coming month because Genshin was having a major map update and we might need to be reminded that the outside world exists.

It was a lighthearted conversation between me and B about our various videogame habits because like... they also hog the consoles from time to time so we're all very aware of our faults.

The next morning at... 4am, because she gets the insomnia bad, A tells us through the chat that if we were TRULY sorry for hogging HER playstation (it was a gift from B, and we were given permission to use it within reason) then we would help her out with the chores in the house because she's the ONLY person doing housework.

September is my busy season at work. I am working almost 40 hours and I drive 300 miles a week, but I still find time to be home to make dinner, shop groceries, plan meals, do dishes. B works 40 hours a week all year round and sometimes does dishes, but also feeds and entertains the animals, and probably a few other things. Girlfriend... could be better about doing chores but like... we all could be.

A DOES do most of the housework, but she also finds chores that I've never really considered to be done as frequently as they are. Like, for example, she's the only one that comes from a house with smokers and none of us smoke. So I don't consider washing the walls, couch covers, and deep vacuuming to be a weekly thing. And no one told us that these things needed to be done at the specifications she wanted.

So how... was I supposed to know that this needed to be done? And I think it wears on B a lot, too. Because they're autistic, and they don't really pick up on context and they don't really catch social cues and A is from a very... Southern-style upbringing where you don't ask things, you imply that you want them.

And that does not WORK in a house full of autistics. (Personal diagnosis pending, but Girlfriend went to a wedding in my family and... uhh... I trust her judgement when she says my whole family is autistic.)

So we went back and forth with her about what we could do to lighten her load and Girlfriend asked for a list of chores and how often they needed to be done.

It was a... very long list, which included 'organize the garage- pack two boxes a month.' Again- my stuff is what keeps getting shoved in there because it doesn't fit her perfect idea of what a house should look like. So i'm supposed to organize the shit that she shoves around in there. And 'clean the cat tree' which is one of those things where if they were OUR animals we would absolutely be doing this.

Also, why do I need to be organizing the garage? Are we expecting company in there? Is there an inspection I don't know about? Most of the mess in there is unprocessed boxes from amazon and chewy purchases.

But I'm focusing on the wrong thing here.

Remember: the trigger here was that I took a preemptive measure to make sure we weren't hogging a shared item.

I'm getting my ass reamed for being courteous. And the reason she gave was that because I apologized to B instead of A. Because its HER playstation.

The point of this rant other than to blow off some steam is that this particular outburst resembles the one we just had about the car. And in trying to find a common trigger, one of them might be talking to her partner about house matters.

Which I realize is ridiculous. Because how am I supposed to do things like... plan meals and figure out schedules if I can't ask the ONE person in the house that doesn't have a completely open schedule?

I'm trying not to armchair because I'd hate it if I was the shoe was on the other foot. But if I was gonna pick a reason, I'd say it comes down to not feeling like she has total control of the household.

Which is again ridiculous because its four goddamn adults. Adults are gonna make plans without you, and I've been the one in charge of meal planning for the past three years because she dropped the ball on it for three months and I just took charge because someone had to.

But it does make sense that its about control. She does this with B's personal relationships, too. Like anytime B goes to hang out with friends A sulks the whole evening. Like B always extends the offer to her, especially on holiday- like she's been invited to passover every year but she only went once (though... that's religious trauma and she's ... uh... she's got some misconceptions about judaism and has said some.... things that make me wonder if she hasn't quite shaken her mom's antisemitism) But no matter how many times B tries to let her into her social and family circles she refuses and then spends the whole night salty that her partner is out doing something without her.

Sorry, it got away from me again.

But yeah, control. I think the problem is a lack of control. And unfortunately, I don't have a solution to that other than to quit lying to her therapist. (the walls are thin and I can hear everything.)

Anyway, sorry. I finally have like a little bit of freedom to talk about this and its turning into verbal diarrhea.

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butwhatifidothis · 3 years

Text

Tumblr is starting to VERY MUCH dislike how long the other reblog chain is getting, so this will be Reblog Chain 2 of my jotting down notes of this fic. Here is the first reblog chain for Chapters 1-20

But it appears as though I was correct in sleeping off Chapter 20, because Chapter 21 is. Hm. bad. Very. Not good.

Chapter 21:

Transcript under the cut:

Chapter 21: It's Called Scars so it Gonna Be Ass

- To be blunt, the constant need to reaffirm that yes, Edelgard went through terrible experimentation and that yes, they were very horrific, is tiring. This is chapter 21. The experiments occurred in chapter 2. Every single chapter between now and then have, at some point, mentioned that INDEED, Edelgard DID in fact go through horrific trauma. It is tiring to the reader to constantly have to reread the same thing - we know it happened. We know it was terrible. There's no need to constantly say so; we already understand as readers.

- "Every time the spark of life broke through Byleth’s blank face, it brought a flickering hope to the Flame Emperor’s heart." ->

- Firstly: Awkward use of the Flame Emperor epithet (its usage is on and off with how appropriate its been - this is off).

- Secondly: Once again, Byleth's face was rarely if ever blank. She was never the Ashen Demon, as even the last chapter showcased. The author is mistaking reservation with emotionlessness, which is simply wrong

- "There had been so many empty days and nights, without friendship, love or joy. With nothing to hope for, except someday, the peace of the grave." -> Suicidal tendencies: another trait that Edelgard doesn't have... (strikes against canon: 89)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 12

- "Dimitri, too, was troubled by the thought, grasping the side of his head and frowning. As the spasm passed, he turned to Edelgard and smiled warmly." -> It seems a little callous to so casually toss Dimitri's symptoms into his interactions with others when such things simply don't occur in the canon interactions. It's not impossible, or strictly against canon, but it does not feel natural; it's more as though the author is shining bright neon signs that say DIMITRI HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES than a genuine attempt at writing Dimitri's mental health issues. This is not the first time this sort of seemingly thoughtless showcasing of symptoms has happened (Noted separately: Dimitri having drastic mood swings)

- "No, this world must be ruled by humans…not cruel gods who ignored the prayers of little girls." -> This statement follows Edelgard internally chastising the actions of not gods, but the Children of the Goddess. This is a weaselly attempt at dodging Edelgard's racist beliefs that Nabateans should not be allowed positions of power by shifting the belief to apply to miscellaneous gods instead. While not inaccurate per se - she does also canonically believe that gods should have no power in human affairs - it is not honest

- "Byleth nodded with childlike simplicity. “We should all try to get along.”" -> Again describing Byleth as childlike and/or innocent. Counter: 3

- For those curious: yes, the rat scene is implemented, yes it is sloppy, yes it is out of character for Claude - so much so that it is being noted separately - and yes it is forced to all hell

- What will be noted here, however, is that this is yet another instance of a man being demeaned/humiliated for the honor of a woman. See quote: "Byleth was on him in an instant, a tempest forming in the sea of her blue eyes. “That isn’t funny.” She crossed her arms sternly. “Jokes are about bringing people together...about making them smile. Right now, the only person laughing is you.”" with Claude reacting awkwardly. Once again, Man Bad Woman Good

- In a showcasing of a complete lack of self-awareness within the fic: "“Maybe if you’d have taught the Deer instead…but since you seem to have no ambitions outside of cleaning up Edelgard’s messes…”" -> This is Claude being portrayed as the bad guy, not the one being completely and utterly right

- " She slapped Edelgard on the back, and smiled heartily. “I agree, Dimitri!” Edelgard grimaced, trying to hide the fact her teacher had just struck the wound she had received during the mock battle." -> As well as where undoubtedly countless scars would be, yes? Scars that still cause Edelgard pain? In fact, Edelgard has been slapped on the back by Byleth and Jeralt numerous times before, and yet expresses no pain or discomfort.

- Another thing, that I had not noted though ought to have: Edelgard, a victim of sexual assault (in this fic), rarely seems to mind people touching her. She gets a little surprised if someone tries to get her attention with touch, yes, but Byleth's constant unprompted and random touching of Edelgard is never said to do anything but bring warmth and joy and comfort to Edelgard. It seems as though Edelgard suffering through sexual assault is just another source of trauma for the author to dump onto her for nothing more than pity points

- This is incredibly harsh to say, yes, and I would usually refrain from attributing such harshness onto a piece of text, but remember that Edelgard's scars only cause her pain when it's convenient, that she only experiences headaches when it's convenient, that she experiences PTSD episodes (when Claude mentions the rat) when it's convenient (note that in this fic he does it outside of battle, where her getting triggered wouldn't compromise her chances at victory). Edelgard not being touch averse and being a victim of sexual assault are not inherently something bad - survivors react to trauma differently, after all - but it is another in a steadily longer line of instances where Edelgard is simply given trauma for the sake of making her pitiable to the reader and the love interest, not something that Edelgard genuinely has to struggle with.

- "As Claude and Dimitri looked at their classmate expectantly, Edelgard was wracked with another bout of guilt. Deep in her soul, the princess knew these peaceful days would end soon. When that happened, no feast or vows of friendship could make up for the chaos and horror she would unleash. It would be better to pull away, close off her heart, rather than fuel the flames of her inevitable betrayal." -> Aka, "Feel bad for me, I feel guilty for planning to cause the death and ruination of countless innocents' lives all because I convinced myself that my way is the only way to get things done my way without ever actually trying to see if more peaceful ways could have worked. I'm going to orphan children, force families to fight each other, have the land be rampaged by banditry, and overall bring chaos onto these days that I ADMIT ARE PEACEFUL all because I feel that my way would be better. Wah wah pity me but I don't wanna be pitied I promise wah wah."

- "Byleth shrugged with a characteristic blend of innocence and spirit. “I guess I just like winning.” She began to blush and grabbed Edelgard’s hand. "It's so exciting! I’ve never had anyone other than Papa to celebrate with before!”" -> Byleth = innocent/childlike. Counter: 4

- The fic likes to reaffirm again and again that Byleth is "now" only acting like this due to Edelgard's presence in her life. Note also these statements written previously: "Every day, [Edelgard] was watching the person she loved grow and change. Become who she always was supposed to be." This, perhaps unintentionally, again enforces the "Lesbian Love is Pure and Innocent" trope; these wlw are only allowed to be their good girl, innocent selves - who they were always supposed to be - due to the pure lesbian love they have found with one another

- Count Bergliez didn't know of the experiments initially, but he eventually found out and did nothing to stop them, fleeing from a young and tortured El who was pleading for him to save her - Unnecessarily painting Count Bergliez as a spineless coward too afraid of Duke Aegir to save a child in pain

- Once again, a man fails to save a woman and further traumatizes her

- It should be noted that Bergliez is fearful not for his own life, but for that of his children, who were the ones Duke Aegir threatened. He, very similar to Ionius, cannot save Edelgard, except Bergliez (unlike Ionius) has a tangible, physical, explainable reason as to why he couldn't, and yet it is him who is painted as the bad guy, not Ionius. He is worthy of Edelgard's scorn and hatred, but Ionius only receives a begrudging feeling of betrayal from Edelgard that she feels guilty for harboring, even though he failed her far more than Bergliez failed her.

- "Daughters must always be loyal to their fathers" trope

- "No decent person thought the things Edelgard did. Just as her body had been twisted and shattered by the experiments, her mind bore terrible scars. Scars that the monster kept hidden, so she could walk in the world of men." -> Dehumanizing oneself as a monster as well as having violent thoughts (that specifically stem from trauma) one feels guilty for harboring are not traits Edelgard shows in canon... (strikes against canon, 90, 91)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 13, 14

- "world of men?" Did the author perhaps mean "world of man," as in mankind? Keep note of

- The reason as to why Bergliez is said to have witnessed young El's tortured state and did nothing to help her is revealed: in canon, he dislikes her. It is blatantly and objectively said that he and Edelgard share a mutual displeasure in the other's company. What this fic had him do will be used as an excuse as to why he doesn't hate her, since no one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Edelgard, upon being asked if revenge is the reason she is doing what she's doing (reuniting Fodlan): "“No.” Edelgard put her hand to her chin thoughtfully. “I think for a long time, it was…but after a while, I realized that revenge wouldn’t satisfy me.” She looked at the blue sky above. “After you go through that much suffering…when you beg for help, day after day, and no one cares...you realize that nothing will ever truly make you feel safe again. The only thing I want is for this madness to end.”" -> This is internally inconsistent. See chapter 15 note: ""You know why they created me in the first place.” / “To reunite Fódlan,” spat Hubert. “It was all my father talked about.” / “And I will give it to them. "" This directly connects Edelgard's want to reunite Fodlan to the wants of her tormenters (as this states she is doing it out of spite). Note how Hubert spits at the idea of reuniting Fodlan, and how it was all his father - portrayed as a villain - talked about. This is not what this Edelgard wants, at least not of her own independent want. Earlier in this very chapter, Edelgard internally states a want to hurt Bergliez for leaving her behind. To say that she now no longer thinks vengeance would satisfy her, or that none of the reason that she is doing everything she does is out of a want for revenge, is ridiculous

- Edelgard to Bergliez, upon being asked what will happen to him and his family should Edelgard rise to power: "“All those who distinguish themselves will be rewarded. Given your history, I have little doubt you will be among them.” She nervously played with her white gloves. “All I ask is that when I seize back control of the throne, I can count on the military’s support.”" -> Yes, all who distinguish themselves to Edelgard, for Edelgard's cause, that Edelgard can see and/or know of. How likely is it that a poor farmer who is exceptional at fighting will actually be noticed by Edelgard and be given the credit he deserves, when others who may not be as meritable but do have some merit have the connections to show themselves directly in front of Edelgard? What means will Edelgard give the poor soldiers (that she or Byleth aren't already friends with, notably Dorothea and Leonie) that will allow them to be able to be seen by her and have their merits recognized? Edelgard is the one who says who gains power after all, so it is her they must prove themselves to, but how can they realistically do that?

- What about professions that are not immediately beneficial to Edelgard's cause, such as the arts? How will they fare in Edelgard's society, when their works and talents yield no tangible, objective results (such as, say, farming)?

- Something the fic will address?

- Edelgard does not nervously do anything in front of those she is trying to negotiate with in canon, not even Thales. Strikes against canon: 92

- "[Bergliez] could only laugh in response. “I think we’re going to get along rather well, my lady…and the other?”" -> Except Bergliez and Edelgard don't get along well, ever. Pre ts they are stated to dislike each other, which continues even onto post ts with Bergliez being the only noble Edelgard couldn't bring to heel. Strikes against canon: 93

- As predicted: No one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Literally forgot Hubert was with Edelgard and Bergliez lmao

- Ionius tried to consolidate power to be rid of the consort system due to his unending love for Anselma -> A ridiculous idea, plain and simple. Ionius was Emperor. If he wished to be rid of the consort system there was no need for him to try and take away all power from the other Imperial houses.

- If Ionius truly loved Anselma, why did he allow her to be exiled from the Empire? Why didn't he step in and use his influence as Emperor to help her?

- Edelgard, when she is Emperor - passed down a supposedly empty crown, at that - showcases the all-encompassing power the title of Emperor truly holds to one willing to use that power. That Ionius supposedly wanted to do all of these reforms and yet nothing at all was done, ever (save for ruining Houses Hrym and Ordelia, something even this fic has as canon), if Ionius did want to make these reforms, means that he was too spineless and cowardly to truly go through with trying to pass them. This again unintentionally showcases how awful a ruler and weak-willed a person Ionius was when he had power when trying to paint him in this righteous light.

- Lambert was stated to be trying to pass reforms before he died in canon, not Ionius. From parents to the children, the author is attributing traits from Lambert onto Ionius just as he (author's confirmed gender is male) attributes traits from Dimitri onto Edelgard

- " Her father and mother…she had thought their romance a fairy tale-a story from her father to make a motherless child feel valued. But…they truly had loved each other." -> Edelgard does believe Ionius when he told her of the story of when he and Anselma (supposedly) met each other. There is nothing to indicate that Edelgard thought it to be a lie: in fact, in canon: "But I choose to believe there was genuine love between them." Strikes against canon: 94

- It seems as though finally, after around 18 chapters, Edelgard's scars will finally cause her genuine inconvenience due to her complex about them as well as her trust issues. She has a gash on her back from the Battle of Eagle and Lion, but will not have it treated if Manuela isn't the healer, and yet the woman is occupied dealing with the rest of the students who were injured. How will this fic deal with this?

- Ingrid, referring to her and Sylvain: ""We just switched from Felix lecturing us all day to listening to Edelgard moralizing, didn’t we?"" -> The author is trying to compare a childhood friend whose friends have had years to get used to their barbed tongue to a stranger that directly insults the dreams of one of them. Something which Ingrid canonically hates having be done to her, even from Felix, a childhood friend. Once again, Ingrid being so casual about Edelgard being so disrespectful of her dreams is out of character. Strikes against canon: 95

- "Sylvain shook his head knowingly, ignoring Felix’s truly alarming scowl. “You should have seen his face, Edelgard. Dimitri would go on and on about this girl he met when he was a kid…and Felix would complain about her for hours!” He looked at Felix and smiled. “For all his whining about the “Boar,” nobody loves Dimitri more than him.”" -> Oh? A romantic gay male relationship presenting itself within the fic?

- Another vision of SS experienced by Edelgard. Word from a nameless guard: "The woman, Byleth, leading their forces... She’s not human! She killed half my battalion with one swing of that sword of hers. She didn’t speak, she didn’t shout, she didn’t even change her expression!” The panicked man was teetering on the edge of hysteria. “All those people rallying around her, and it’s like she doesn’t care at all. Like she's a walking corpse!"" -> Obviously saying that Byleth becomes the Ashen Demon if not allowed to be with Edelgard.

- Unintentional statement: Byleth can't be the pure innocent (lesbian) woman without Edelgard's (lesbian) love granting her purity, reverting her to a monstrous, corrupt demon incapable of humanity

- See chapter 20 note: "Implying that choosing SS - aka, choosing the Nabateans - makes Byleth less human. Intentional?" Confirmed to be intentional. Also false: in canon, even when accounting for CF's lesser chapter count, Byleth emotes far more on SS than on CF, which matches with CF having Edelgard call Byleth detached in their A support. Strikes against canon: 96

- The same nameless soldier, same context: "And those Faerghus kids…” / Edelgard leaned forward in her chair. “Ingrid…Sylvain…what of them?” / “They…they were animals. Screaming and ranting about revenge for the King.” -> Is the author really demonizing Sylvain and Ingrid for (potentially!) being mad at Edelgard for murdering one of their childhood friends? Is that really the depths the Edelgard worship will sink to, that friends becoming enraged at a friend's unjust murder from a warlord is being portrayed as something sad for the warlord? Just what else should Edelgard be pitied for?

- "The scared girl desperately tried to drown out the thoughts that reverberated incessantly. / They’re going to despise us…it’s destiny. And how could they not? If we were truly good, the Goddess would have saved us…protected us. But She didn’t. The Goddess took Mother. She took our family. And soon, She’ll take everything else we love. She hates us. / It’s what we deserve." - Now confirmed that Edelgard hears multiple voices in her head tormenting her. That trait that, once again, Edelgard does not have... (Strikes against canon: 97)

- ...but Dimitri does. This is the third time this chapter that this has happened, and far from the only chapter to display such baffling characterization of Edelgard via Dimitri's traits. It is nonsensical.

- " Why had [Edelgard] even been born at all? Nonexistence would have been preferable to watching every faint dream be dashed, to suffering alone over and over. She was just…so tired of being alive." -> Once. Again. Suicidal tendencies/thoughts is not a trait Edelgard shows in canon... (Strikes against canon: 98)

- ...but Dimitri does. The fourth! The fourth time in one chapter the author desperately wanted to just write Dimitri!

- If the fic wanted to take Edelgard in a different direction than canon does and has her display some of these traits, it would be more passable, but this fic is under the delusion that it is in any way following canon closely, especially in regards to Edelgard, and so this can only be seen as a desperate attempt from the author to have Edelgard be sympathetic by donning the skin of an actually sympathetic character such as Dimitri

- "Edelgard looked at herself in the mirror. The back of her academy uniform was stained red, the rhythmic, soft dripping of blood assaulting the princess’ ears." -> And no one commented on this? No one was worried? Not Ingrid, Sylvain, and Felix, who were sitting right by her? Not Lysithea, who saw her take the blow to her back and never get it healed? Not Dimitri, who delivered the blow? It just so happened that literally no one at all noticed this?

- Byleth literally slapped Edelgard on the back earlier? Wouldn't her hand come back red with blood if it were seeping through the uniform?

** The scene that follows the previous note is too long to quote, despite how truly terrible it is. Long quotes, even extremely long quotes, have been presented in these notes before, but the length this quotation would be if the full extent of it were written here would be a mess, and quite frankly, at that point it would do one better to simply go to the fanfiction itself and read the text from there. With the context received from these notes, if one wishes to see the words for themselves, go to chapter 21 of The Emperor and the Goddess, enter Ctrl + F (or Find in Page on mobile devices), and enter the phrase "Byleth crossed her arms, clearly frustrated" verbatim. The following note will not be quoting the entire scene from the fic (merely summarizing it), though context is needed to understand how truly bad the scene is. **

- To have hope in this fic performing anything correctly is proving to be a fool's dream, for it has yet to do anything right; that includes the aforementioned gash upon Edelgard's back. As stated, it did not draw the attention of those who were sitting around her nor did it draw the attention of the one who witnessed the injury itself, nor of the one who delivered the injury itself, so no one commented on the gaping, bleeding wound Edelgard was "hiding" from everyone as she turned her (bleeding) back to them and left for the baths to clean up (it must be heavily stressed: immediately after leaving it is revealed that the blood is seeping through her uniform). As she was washing - naked, of course - Byleth just so happened to step into the baths with only a towel wrapped around her "for modesty," much to the horror of Edelgard, for she does not want Byleth seeing her scarred body. A slight argument arises between the two over Edelgard getting her injuries checked, before Byleth warns Edelgard that she will go to Rhea and force her to go to the infirmary should Edelgard continue to refuse treatment, which drives Edelgard past the brink. She raises her arms from the bathwater and presents her scars (""Fine!... If you want to see so badly, here!""), to the horror of Byleth ("Byleth Eisner was not a woman given to strong emotional reactions, but she staggered back, hands over her mouth."). Edelgard cries in hysteria, fear of her beloved teacher running away in disgust over her ugly, mutilated body overwhelming her. But Byleth, childlike in her innocence, shared that she too is scarred in strange ways, and that she too is scared of failing those around her - that she has no ambitions save to help and protect those around her. Byleth reveals that it is Edelgard whom Byleth looks up to for always being so strong and always moving forward, and shows that without Edelgard Byleth wouldn't know how to handle the pressure everyone else puts on her. The exchange ends with Byleth reassuring Edelgard that she is beautiful and not the monster she thinks she is.

- There is no nice way of putting this: this is a classic example of how not to write someone opening up to another about something. Edelgard views herself as weak, ugly, repulsive, a monster, shameful, but it is Byleth's love and affection that gives her comfort and warmth, that gives her hope of something more. It forces Byleth to behave wildly out of character (the author can try to excuse this with "well she wouldn't normally behave like this!" all he wants, it doesn't matter when it goes against the base, canonical Byleth. Strikes against canon: 99) in order for Edelgard's scarred body to be seen as something that is repulsive, that is ugly, that is stained, so much so that the pure, childlike, innocent Byleth couldn't stand to see something so tainted. And yet it is that same pure, childlike, innocent Byleth's pure, innocent, childlike love that pushes away the pain of Edelgard's scars for just that moment. Other characters become suddenly blind and/or forgetful of Edelgard's obvious, bleeding wound so that it is Byleth who can be the one to save Edelgard with her pure, innocent, childlike presence and her pure, innocent, childlike uncertainty about her own insecurities (but only when it is convenient for Edelgard, as even Byleth didn't noticed the gaping, bleeding wound until she was alone with Edelgard where no one could interrupt their bonding moment). This scene is inorganic and forced, ham-fisting Edelgard and Byleth in the same room - the wash room, where both are either naked or nearly naked - so that Byleth is the one to find Edelgard, no one else. No one was worried enough about the sudden exit Edelgard took from the conversation she was having to follow her and make sure she was alright, and Byleth just so happened to enter the baths right after Edelgard. The scene is, to be frank, insulting.

- There have been a couple of joking references to a book titled Stones to Abigail in these notes, but in all seriousness, this scene plays unsettlingly similar to a scene in said book, where a scarred girl who is naked reveals her "ugly" and "revolting" scarred body to the love interest, who goes on to soothe and comfort the naked girl as best they can. The resemblance is uncanny

- Byleth described as childlike/innocent. Counter: 5

- Edelgard, in canon, never expresses feeling herself to be ugly, or repulsive, or a monster. Strikes against canon: 100

- Again, Edelgard's scars are only important when they are convenient - this time, in helping develop the romantic relationship between her and Byleth

- There are ways in which scars can be utilized without being problematic, but certainly not when this much focus is placed on them and yet they are only truly present when they cannot hinder Edelgard.

- Perhaps particularly insulting is this phrase from Edelgard: "Did she actually love Byleth at all, or just being saved by her?" Yes, Edelgard, you do simply want to be saved by Byleth, because that is precisely what the narrative has been drilling into the reader's heads ever since Byleth showed herself. Byleth is Edelgard's light, Byleth is Edelgard's hope, Byleth gives Edelgard back her humanity, Byleth is Edelgard's one source of joy, Byleth is Edelgard's entire life, and nothing, absolutely nothing in this fic has shown this to ever be a bad thing. This dependence on Byleth to bring Edelgard joy at the near complete expense of everyone else has been propped up as something romantic, and yet it's now, 21 chapters and over 85K+ words in, that we're supposed to believe that this was actually Edelgard being unhealthy? Even though the author himself said that this was what he enjoyed about their relationship, how much they found each other in each other? Even though we see what the author thinks would happen to the two of them should they separate - Edelgard, lonely and afraid without her beloved teach, and Byleth, the Ashen Demon who cares for nothing without her beloved student - in her visions of SS? This is a joke

- It cannot be overstated that Byleth came to the bathhouses completely independently of Edelgard. She did not come to specifically see her because she followed her out of worry for Edelgard due to her injury - she only knows that Edelgard's injured in the first place due to seeing bloody bandages that Edelgard removed in the bathhouse, before Byleth arrived.

- Author's notes: "On Bergliez, we find out very little in-game, but he 1) offers himself for execution so his men can go free in SS and 2) seems to be actually competent at his job. I thought a nuanced portrayal was more interesting, since I've been writing Aegir as the absolute worst person in the world." -> Note: this is what the author believes to be a nuanced take on someone. Someone who likes Edelgard entirely and does nearly whatever they can to help her, but they did one thing that's morally gray (leaving a child behind to save his own children from the same fate) that is portrayed as objectively bad, so now they are nuanced. While perhaps this sort of character would be truly nuanced in better hands, as it is with his actions being portrayed as something that is obviously so completely and utterly wrong and him someone who deserves complete and utter condemnation - and yet Ionius, who does far worse for far less understandable reasons, gets a comparative slap on the wrist - it causes confusion as to Edelgard's lines. Bergliez seeing her the one time and never helping her is enough for her to want to hurt him as she was hurt, but her father repeatedly coming to and "being forced" to watch her actively be tortured and doing nothing does little to invoke similar depths of resentment? Even granting the idea that "she gives more slack to her father," Ionius is objectively and far worse than Bergliez, down to doing hard things to protect their children, and yet it is only Bergliez who is shined in this unpleasant a light

- To be clear, Bergliez's decision was not a good one, but understandable. It is a gray decision to make. But notice how he is called "gray" and "nuanced" and yet Ionius is nearly completely innocent, as described by the author himself, despite their being no given explaination as to why "he was a figurehead" should be a good enough reason to wash him literally standing there and watching as his children - some of whom aren't even teens yet - get slowly tortured and killed.

- "There are many localization changes I understand (Byleth wanting to get drunk after the battle is one of them), but Treehouse's decision to remove Ionius' entire reason for power centralization (eliminating the consorts) was a big, big mistake." -> Given the history of this author's grasp on the Japanese language, this needs to be checked, as he cannot be trusted as a source as to whether this is true

******* Notes of Claude mischaracterization: Chapter 21, section 1, paragraphs 1, 21 & 23, 27 *******

#o captain my captain #is the Cap'n's name fuckin' Greg holy shit #this chapter was baaaaad #b-but hey maybe i'm just being overly critical?

67 notes · View notes

dreamiesdotcom · 3 years

Text

february spring | h.rj

genre: hanahaki!au, angst, fluff

trigger warning: character death

summary: You wonder what he'll do when he realizes you no longer cough petals, but flowers in full bloom — that inside you is a full blown spring, within a body that exists in winter.

word count: 2.7k

The thing about flowers is that they suck.

Today again you wake up coughing petals and blood, feeling like wanting to burn the world and then your damned feelings — but no, you think, you'd rather not have life at all if you're not in love with him. You'd choose him again and again if asked.

That's the stupid thing about it. You're so willing to hurt and to be hurt for love that made flowers grow inside you.

Your mom is crying at the foot of your bed, praying for it all to be gone; the petals, the blood, the disease you have to fight because you fell for the wrong person. Your dad turned around to face the wall, tears in his eyes. He wants you to be better. He needs you to be better, and he needs to be strong so you could fight.

It's useless, anyway.

"This could end in three ways," you remember your doctor saying. "Either he loves you back, you take the surgery, or you die."

And you know what that means? That no amount of strength, of happiness, will keep you alive. It's impossible for him to love you back. You're dying. There's flowers growing inside you and you're dying — dying in the most beautiful way; dying of love.

Of stupid love, but you disregard that.

"Mom," you call. "I don't want the surgery."

"You want to die?" She asks with a laugh, "You want to die for a boy who doesn't even know of your love?"

"Y/N," your dad calls, a warning.

"Please don't make me go through it," you close your eyes. "I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget love."

Because it's all I have, you wanted to say. Love is the one thing worth having, and you can't imagine yourself after the surgery; you'll get your emotions removed alongside the flowers in both your lungs and heart. You can't imagine that.

It's not even about him anymore. It's—

"Mom, please," you beg, "I don't... I don't want to live in a world where I wouldn't be able to live and love. I don't want to live not loving you and dad."

Because what is a human without love, emotions? An empty vessel. A withering rose. Something to stare at emptily as slowly, they begin to die.

Tears well in your mother's eyes, shaking her head, repeating the same words again and again — "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him" — but you made up your mind. You're dying, but before that you're gonna live —

you're gonna live, and this time not for him anymore; for yourself. For yourself too.

Even though life with this disease is limited to this hospital, the window and the rooftop, it is life still — this sickness made you cherish all the little things you'll lose when your body loses warmth. On some days you play with the kids, young hearts running around not really understanding their situations.

You put a smile on your face after everytime you throw up — you hide away somewhere no one would see, you hide yourself. You want to live. If you want to live, there's no need to be pitied.

At night, before you need to go to your room, you go to the rooftop and meet with a friend; Huang Renjun, same case. His heart longs for the stars, the moon, and a boy who is and will always be happier with someone else.

Tonight again, you stargaze.

"Imagine what we'll be if we weren't like this," he wonders out loud, "You'd still be annoying."

You kick his foot lightly, making him laugh, "See? You're sick and annoying. If you weren't sick, you'd be even more annoying!"

You turn to face him, and a fond smile is on his face, "You'd be beautiful still, even more without the tiredness in your eyes."

"And you'd still be handsome, Renjun," you find yourself saying, "You'd still love books and poetry, and stars..."

"But your smile wouldn't be so sad," he continues, pointing to Sirius, tracing the entire constellation as if the stars are right before his fingertips. "Your smile would be open and honest, not just something to comfort me."

You smile wistfully. He rolls around to pin you down, his hands on your wrists, a smile of his own on his face. It's something silly, kind of cheeky — typical Renjun.

"You're my only friend, Y/N," he confesses. "And I hate him. I hate the boy who made you sick."

Tears start to fall from his eyes, leaving him shaking. His arms still pin you to the ground, his tears falling on your face. He sobs. He sobs and sobs and my god, he still looks beautiful — Sirius rests on the space where his neck and shoulders meet. Galaxies are in his eyes.

He looked beautiful, so beautiful that you didn't have the heart to tell him that it's him. There's no other boy but him.

###

I wonder when he'll notice...

February cold engulfs you in its hold, making you shiver. Renjun walks beside you. It's a silent trip to the rooftop, snow falling in beautiful flakes. He takes notice in your silence.

I wonder when he'll ask if I love him...

"Are you okay?" Renjun asks, shoulder brushing against yours.

You smile at him, "I'm fine. I'm just a little cold."

Time is running out...

"Renjun," you call out his name, "Do you think you could ever fall in love with me?"

He looks at you as if you said something absurd. He laughed, he laughed until he coughed blood and petals — you stop in panic, rubbing his back.

"I think the cold is doing us no good," you say. "Let's head inside."

Was it really that impossible for you to fall in love with me?

"No, no, I'm fine." He wipes the blood off his lips, "See?"

Scary as it seems, the petals have become usual visitors for patient with Hanahaki. It doesn't even bother Renjun anymore at this point.

He'll have the surgery and get better — just a little more, he said, let me feel this love for a little more, because after the surgery I know I never will love again.

The petals don't shake him anymore. There's a cure, after all. A cure you keep denying yourself.

"Alright, let's go."

You resume walking, looking straight ahead. The sun is setting as a white sunset.

You wonder what he'll do when he realizes you no longer cough petals, but flowers in full bloom — that inside you is a full blown spring, within a body that exists in winter.

###

"Happy Birthday to you~ happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, happy birthday..."

You look at Renjun's room, meeting gazes with Lee Jeno. You smile and look away.

Renjun has told you the story of three best friends.

Jaemin and Jeno are his regular visitors. Whenever they come, there's a spark in Renjun's eyes — the glint of sadness, the look of yearning for love like theirs. You know. You pass by his door everytime.

You know, too, that he's still in love with Na Jaemin.

Whenever they come by, they bring him flowers — you laugh, because Renjun has enough of those blooming inside him. They bring him food to eat, bring him gifts, but there's no love for him in that space. Jaemin and Jeno's love are solely for each other, and Renjun wants that selfishness too; he wants Jaemin's love all to himself. It's what planted those seeds.

Whenever they come, Renjun wallows in envy and self pity and sadness, sadness because it breaks his heart that seeing them both so happy hurts him. Whenever they come, you battle yourself to not yell at them and make them leave and tell them they're not of any help, not helping him feel better — Renjun's life is just as limited as yours. He has counted seconds and all they do is make him realize what a fool he was to fall for someone he'll never have.

Whenever they leave, they leave a hole in his heart — it only grows bigger and bigger with every visit, with every goodbye. Renjun must be a fool.

But he'll have it, the surgery. He wants to live that much, that even though it will be impossible for him to feel love, he'll still search for happiness.

And that's how you know it.

You're dying.

In silence, you break down and whisper your greetings: Happy birthday, Renjun.

###

Renjun sits across you, holding the flowers Na Jaemin has given him. He plucks them once — he loves me. The sun is hidden away by the clouds, and his gaze that once were on you flutters across the room, back to where Jaemin stands. He plucks another petal — he loves me not.

Jaemin looks back to your direction, and waves. You're sure it made Renjun's heart flutter.

"You're the infamous Y/N," Jaemin grins. "I hope we can be good friends."

"Before I die, that is," you joke, earning a smack from Renjun. The stem of the flower hits the back of your head.

He loves me.

"Jaemin, where's Jeno?" Renjun asks, curious. There's no sight of honey haired boy and it's a strange sight, but you know deep inside he is pleased.

He loves me not.

"He's busy today."

"As he is every day?"

"C'mon, Renjun," Jaemin laughs. "It's not like he never gives me time."

Renjun shakes his head anyway. He releases a big sigh, calming himself down — deep inside he knows he can love Jaemin better. A pained look flashes in your eyes.

Renjun taps your thigh in concern.

He loves me.

"I need to go, 'jun," Jaemin says, taking his belongings with him. He runs straight to the door, but before that he turns around and waves.

When Jaemin leaves the room, Renjun looks like he just fell in love. Again.

A bitter smile draws on your face.

He loves me not.

###

The day of Renjun's surgery came quicker than expected. The explanation was simple; he can never feel love again, but he will survive. He will be alive and that's what matters.

It's a sad thought, living without love. But Renjun would rather not love than not live at all.

"It's tomorrow," he said. "You should take care."

You don't meet his gaze.

"I'm tired, Renjun," you whisper, clutching his shirt to pull him impossibly closer.

A smile draws on his face, a beautiful sight to look at.

He asks, "Tired of what?"

And you've been tired of a lot of things. You tried not being so, but you can't help but fail miserably — lately everything's just been too much. Most of them, though; thoughts like this, like the truth that spills from your mouth.

"Of the flowers growing inside me," you say wistfully, "I'm tired of it and I hate it. I hate it so much."

"Y/N..."

"And I'm tired of you too, of you looking at me with those eyes," you turn to face Renjun who sits with his head hung low. You let a chuckle escape your lips, "Those eyes that look at me as if you could love me had you not met Jaemin."

Renjun couldn't say a word.

You feel yourself withering away as more flowers bloom inside you.

###

Renjun left right after he recovered from the surgery, the nurses said. You stay in your bed all those time, not bidding him goodbye at all. You throw up more flowers than usual, more blood.

All the promises you made about living life before you die is gone. All you can think about is how difficult it is to breathe, how hard it is to live.

"Mom," you call, hoping for ease, "I want to give up."

But she smiles with tears in her eyes, she smiles. You see, she had the most beautiful smile in the world. Her eyes are brimming with unshed tears and her lips stretched in a pitiful expression, "No, darling," she begs. "Stay awake. Stay awake for me."

You smile back.

"It hurts to breathe."

"It will be okay," at least she prays. "It's gonna be okay. Go through with the surgery."

You shake your head, declining still. Time is running out. Your father hugs you tight, the first time in years, a kiss pressed on your temple. Your mother holds your hand.

I don't want to, you repeat again and again.

Your father holds your hand — "We'll do what you want."

And there's a protest at the tip of your mother's tongue, but it melts away at the sight of tears falling from your eyes.

"Okay, sweetie," she says. "We'll do what you want."

Your doctor comes in a hurry minutes after. He's panting, a red flush on his face — he seems mad. "How long has it been?"

"Doctor..."

"You didn't tell us you were coughing out whole flowers."

Your mother's cries start to get louder. Full flowers meant the last stage: the closest to death. At this point it's a game between life and death and the dangers in between. You smile.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, "But I'm not going through the surgery, doctor."

They look at you with eyes of pity, saddened that it has come to this. Your doctor nods. Your mother shakes in your father's hold. You laugh, "Why are you all crying?"

"Stupid child," your mother says. "Stupid Y/N."

You laugh harder, tears falling from your eyes. "I love you, mom," you say. "Can you hold my hand tighter? I'm scared."

From outside your door, Renjun clamps his hand over his mouth; he feels like throwing up. He originally planned to say one last goodbye, but instead, he gets this... this. Whatever the hell this mess is.

You're dying, all because you're in love with him.

All because he couldn't love you back.

###

The time comes quicker than expected.

You look at your body, watching from your soul — this must be what it is like to be have your soul wandering. You breathe in sharply, breathe out. You look at all the tubes connected to your body.

You go through the wall, moving to hug your parents. Your mother must've felt you, for her sobs grew louder and she called your name.

Suddenly, someone storms in.

"Doctor, it seems like you have an emergency patient," the nurse intervenes.

"Who's the patient?"

"Huang Renjun."

Your feel your heart drop — who knew you could still feel such things? But Renjun, didn't he...

"Renjun? Didn't he have a successful surgery?"

"Yes," the nurse looks down in shame, "But it seems there's remains of flowers in his lungs. He's now coughing out flowers in full-bloom."

The doctor rushes out of the room, saying excuses to your parents. You watch your own body breathe its last breath.

The nurse looks down, "Y/L/N Y/N, time of death, 10:48 a.m."

You wander around the hospital, going to where your feet take you. You soon find yourself in the emergency room, watching Renjun almost pass out from coughing flowers.

"Renjun," you call — the ghost of you, your soul. The one Renjun sees.

He looks in panic, knowing why he's seeing you; he's ready to die. What he's not ready for is to see you as a soul, dead and eternally young.

He blinks once, twice, hoping you don't disappear. It's not all truthful words, but he says it — "I love you."

Outside the room, Renjun's parents wonder to themselves — who is he talking to? What is he mumbling? His parents can't help but cry, worried at every flutter of his eyes.

"They say... when people are almost dying, their closest family visit them to take them to paradise." Jaemin says with a bitter smile, "I heard... Y/N passed. He might be seeing her."

A slap sounds in the room.

"My son is not dying!" Renjun's mother says. Jaemin nods, tears falling from his eyes.

"Are you scared?" you ask, head tilted, hands brushing strands of his hair away from his face.

"Yes," Renjun confesses.

"I'll hold your hand."

"Until it's over?"

You smile, "You're one of my greatest friend, after all."

Renjun never expected to die. Then, at the same time, he never expected the tiny sliver of love he feels for you — love for a friend, for a dear one. Renjun found a real best friend within you.

So, he holds your hands and comes with you.

"Doctor? Doctor, what's happening— my son!" His mother calls as he watches his eyelids close, "Renjun... My little boy..."

One last smile, one last cough of his favorite flower — Renjun is at peace. He closes his eyes and remains his age forever.

"Huang Renjun, time of death, 10:52 a.m."

#nct dream #nct dream one shot #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct dream blurbs #nct dream drabbles #nct dream scenario #renjun #renjun oneshot #renjun drabbles #renjun blurbs #renjun imagines #renjun x reader #hanahaki au #nct dream hanahaki au

177 notes · View notes

ackernuts · 3 years

Text

WHERE.[Erwin Smith x Daughter Reader]

𝗣𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝘈𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘍𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘌𝘳𝘸𝘪𝘯 𝘚𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘹 𝘈𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘋𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴(𝘀): 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘴𝘵, 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩

𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 1953 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴

It was a normal pleasant day for the Survey Corps. It's had been almost a month since they've returned from rescuing Eren and the fleeing of the traitors, Reiner and Bertoldt and been a few weeks after Historia had been crowned.

The Corps had been back on operation again after defeating Historia's father's Titan.

While most are now focusing on coming up with a plan to retake Wall Maria after Eren successfully obtained the power of Titan Hardening, Commander Erwin is on Survey Corps HQ in Trost together with his adoptive daughter, [Name] Smith.

[Name] became a fallen soldier after she lost her eyesight in the first encounter with the Female Titan back in their 57th expedition.

Being visually impaired, she's out of duty but she's to stay in the HQ with Erwin, as per his orders.

That brings us to the present with [Name] clutching at the arm of Erwin for support as they walk towards the messhall where everyone is having dinner.

Upon arriving, the room was bustling with the cheers of the newly recruits who's oblivious of the death trap they just got themselves into.

With a blank face, [Name] ignored all the judging stares of those who doesn't know what had happened to the young ex-corporal. Erwin sat her on her usual seat together with all the higher-ups.

Hanji then helped Erwin to fetch her meal so she can eat and take her medicine. With the two of them out of [Name]'s side and the absence of the other corporal, Levi, mutters of dissatisfaction and belittling from the new cadets rung up to [Name]'s ears.

“Who is she?”

“Why is a useless blind in our ranks?”

“Who does she think she is? Thinking she can survive without a damn sight.”

“She's probably whoring with the commander.”

Having enough of the mutterings of the brats, she stood up and feel her way towards the cadets using her heightened other senses.

“What did you brats just said?” her eerie deep voice with rasp in it echoed across the room, silencing the place.

Smug chuckle of a stupid cadet then break the silence.

“You want me to repeat what I said? Ha! So you're not just a useless blind but also a deaf! Well let me repeat then! You're probably just whoring with the Commander, I mean, what does a useless blind like you doing in our ranks.”

A loud bang was then heard from one corner where the new Levi's squad was sitting, there stood an outranged Jean and Eren.

“You idiot! How dare you talk to the Commander's daughter that way?!” yell Eren with palms clenched into fist and furrowed eyebrows.

“That's a corporal you're disrespecting!” added Jean.

The cadet's smug smirk dropped almost immediately and color starting to drain off of him. The room was silence once again with a pair of footsteps rang up to their ears.

Walking back to the superior's table, Erwin and Hanji placed the trays of foods then turn to the lady standing in front of the recruit's table.

“[Name]? What are you doing?” those words fell into the deaf ears of [Name] and look straight into the cadet's eyes despite not seeing a thing other than total darkness.

“You cadet. I know you're new here in the scouts but you're not new to the military. Is that how you respect a superior?” almost immediately, the boy strung up and salute to [Name].

“You do not only bad-mouthed a corporal but also disrespect the Commander with your filthy mouth. Now receive your punishment, you're to run around the HQ and you are not to stop until I say so. I don't care if you lose your leg running your laps, after all you're not a useless blind in this ranks.” and with so much fright from the (color) haired female, he run outside without a second thought.

With that, [Name] went back to go and eat her dinner with a single thought in her mind and a doubt in her heart.

After dinner, the two then went back to Erwin's office to finish his paperwork.

“Erwin, tomorrow you're going to retake Wall Maria, right?” [Name] quietly asked.

“Yes. Also, good thing you remind me. You are to stay with Commander Shadis as we do the operation.” [Name]'s ears almost burst at her adoptive father's words.

“But Erwin, I can fight too. I can help to retake the wall.” she immediately reply. Stopping abruptly at his daughter's exclaimed, Erwin look at her with wide eyes.

“No.[Name], you're staying here where it's safe. Braun and Hoover is still out there and with Hanji's report about this beast Titan who turns a whole village into Titans, we can't risk you getting injured or worst die in there.”

“But like I said I can fight. I'm still a soldier and ---”

“[Name] you're blind! You're disabled! It's too dangerous out there. I'm doing this to protect you.--”

“So that's how it really is?! It's because I'm useless now because I can't see anymore! Why?! Back when I'm still fine, you wouldn't hesitate to give me mission after mission but now that I'm visually impaired I'm just a rug doll you're going to throw! Is it because I'm not your perfect soldier now?! That without my eyesight I'm just a weak little daisy you can pluck out of the garden?!”

“No! That's not---”

“No! It is! Don't you think I don't know that?! You think I don't know that a lot of people are waiting for me to accept that I'm good-for-nothing now so they can pull the trigger and kill me?! You think I don't know the guns pointed at me every single second?!”

Anger and hurted tears streaming down [Name]'s cheeks and Erwin's eyes filled with regret. Sighing, he walk up to his daughter and put a hand in her shoulder.

“Look, just give me more time [Nickname]. I'll put you back to the battlefield.”

“Don't call me that! Put me back? How?! Are you willingly give me your eyes? You can do that? Can you just stop pretending that you can fix everything with your gamble? Your can't do anything, you're just my adopted father anyway.”

Pain strikes Erwin's heart at the words of his daughter as she feel her way out of the office and into her own room, stumbling a couple of times before entering her bedroom.

_____

After that argument, [Name] locked herself in her room and doesn't even listen to the knock on her door by her father, bidding her a short farewell. Hours had passed and [Name] decided to get off of her bed and get ready to go visit her so-called grandpa, Cadet Instructor Keith Shadis.

Almost four days that the scouts went to retake Wall Maria and now they're back. The heroes of Shiganshina. [Name], received a letter that they found a compatible eye donor and is ready for the transplant, having her missed the return of her comrades.

Two days and the operation was successful. Her then (color except blue) eyes are now bright blue. Upon hearing the news of the operation, Hanji went and fetch the (color) tressed female and had her ride a carriage.

Much to [Name]'s surprise, Hanji hadn't uttered a single word since they took off and to her bewilderment, they stopped into the cemetery especially made for the military.

Her heart dropped at the sight of the regiment, mourning over their fallen soldiers. Frankly, she use her sight to go and look for her father that she dearly missed and hoped to apologized to.

“[Name]... I'm sorry.” she heard Hanji mumbled and ushered her to a certain tombstone where she see the name that made her whole world crumble.

There, written in the tomb is Erwin Smith. The name of the only man who have the courage to raise a meek, bruised little girl who he found on the side of the street. The very man who was so proud of her achievements, the only person who ever believed in her from the very beginning. The only one she will ever be proud to call her father.

Weak legs gave out and she fall into the ground, in front of her father's grave. Hot tears streaming down her cheeks like waterfalls. Her whole body shakes in disbelief at the loss of her beloved family. And to think that she haven't had the chance to apologise for their fight, hell, she haven't said she loved and cared for him for so long since she was six and now, she doesn't have the chance anymore.

“Who?...”

“Who is it?...”

[Name] mutters, eyes widen and lips trembling in every word. The rest of the Levi's squad, Levi and Hanji, stare at her in sympathy.

“Who was it...”

Contemplating to step forward and apologise to the crying lady, Armin ashamedly about to walk up to her when he was stopped by Levi.

“Who is it?! WHO EVER IS IT THAT TOLD YOU, YOU CAN GO WHERE I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU!!” shouted [Name] in anger, sadness and regrets.

The scouts can only hang their heads low in grieve and emptiness.

____

A week after [Name]'s outburst that forced her body to shut down and fell into a short coma. [Name] woke up and she immediately asked to be discharged to stay in her father's office and room. Upon arriving there with Hanji trailing behind her, [Name] all of a sudden, felt her whole body went numb and she fell in Erwin's office floor.

“[NAME]!” Hanji ran up to her quickly and try to assist her.

“I-I...”

“What is it? Those it hurts somewhere?”

“I- Hanji...my legs...I can't feel my legs...Hanji! I can't! My legs! I can't feel my legs.”

“Come on, let's get you back to the infirmary.” She said to the weilling woman and pick her up from the floor and into the infirmary.

“You're physically stable but it seems that you had been traumatized after all the events happened for the past weeks. Especially after loosing someone who's emotionally attached to you, it affects your capabilities to do the things you usually do with that person you always lean on. In your case, it was Erwin.” Hanji explained to the girl who's laying on the bed with a blank expression and an IV bag attached to her wrist.

“So you mean... I wouldn't be able to do the things I usually do with Dad? But... everything... I did everything with Dad. So it means I won't be able to do things even if I can see...”

_____

4 years later

The Titans are all gone and the scouts can finally venture out the outside world, with Eren's father's memories, they're able to go and see the sea that he, Armin and Mikasa always hoped to see.

[Name] is back in her old self as a soldier to make her father even more proud and to not waste the eyes that Erwin had given to her.

Once there, all of them are mesmerized by the beauty the ocean holds. Different things they notice that peaked their interest but two oddly not as hyped as everyone else, Eren and [Name].

Both are just staring off to space and muttering words to themselves.

“Hey Erwin ... Are you seeing this now? I'm sure you do. It's beautiful isn't it?... We're seeing the outside world now. All thanks to you. Ha! And stupid gambles.

I missed you Erwin. Don't worry, you're safe now. You can rest all you want.

I'll... I'll see you later Dad...Soon, I'll get to where you are now.”

The End.

#erwin smith #attack on titan erwin #anime #fanfic #fiction #reader insert #aot angst

15 notes · View notes

hollanderfangirl · 4 years

Text

My Purpose |Harry Holland|

Warnings: angst, suicide attempt and mentions of death, please DON'T read if it's triggering for you

It was all too much. You couldn't take it anymore. First the breakup then your job. You had been holding on for so long, trying so hard, but it seemed as if there was nothing left to live for. You had no purpose left in this world. You had been feeling like this for months, you didn't tell anyone, just burying your feelings inside.

You were walking home from your office, or what was your office, anyway. You were never going back there now.

You see the crowded street, all the people who were in a hurry, chasing something, someone. You thought about all these people, who they were, why they were even holding on, what was their purpose?

Don't they all see? Why are they so happy? You think. We're brought up to expect a happy ending. But there are no happy endings. There's only death waiting for us. We find love and happiness, and it's snatched away from us without any rhyme or reason. We're on a deserted spaceship careening mindlessly among the stars.

You keep walking aimlessly, you took the train or bus every other day. But today you decide to walk home, or wherever you were going. You stop at a bridge on the way, usually you would come here to admire nature. You felt so peaceful hearing the roar of the river underneath, water hitting the rocks. You could hear the noise of the traffic far away and the birds chirping. The sun was setting behind you and the world seemed to come to a stop.

You climb on the edge of the bridge, seeing the river below you. You wonder how it would be to fall into it, it'll be cold, you might hit your chest, you won't be able to breathe. You'll be struggling for life. And then poof. You'll be gone. Just like every single person on this earth eventually.

You close your eyes, feeling the cold breeze, you try to stop your thoughts but you couldn't. In those last moments you had in this lifetime, you think about your family, your friends, your childhood, you try to think about only the good memories, your job- you loved it so much, all of your colleagues, your work you were so passionate about.

And him. Who gave you so much love, who showed you what love actually is. Who gave you purpose, he was your purpose. But he was gone now, not literally but he turned out to be just like every other person in your life. You thought he was different. The man who showed you the world is such a beautiful place was the reason today you were thinking how cruel it actually is. You could still feel how his hands felt in yours, how his lips felt on yours. How his deep voice was music to your ears in the morning. His voice….. his voice…..you could still listen to his voice. Y/n...how he said your name, like it was the most-

"Y/NNNN!!!"

You get startled and slip on the bridge, you start to panic, even though you were planning on jumping from the bridge, you couldn't help but get scared when that was actually about to happen.

A pair of hands grab you, and you realise what you were about to do, you immediately feel guilty, you were not even thinking clearly.

"What the hell were you doing?!" Harry calls out from behind you.

You were silent, it all happened so quickly, and you just tried to recall the last 30 seconds. You feel the goosebumps on your arms and even though you were sweating, you felt cold. So cold.

"Y/n oh my god, oh my god. Are you okay?" he says again but you still couldn't say anything. "Come on, I'll take you home. Come with me," he picks you up and takes you to his car.

You were silent all the way to his house. You didn't even have any thoughts to think about. You were still shocked and processing what happened. It was like you weren't even yourself for the past few hours, you didn't feel like yourself even now. Your mind was completely blank, you were feeling absolutely nothing when your ex boyfriend just saved you from killing yourself and was now driving you to his house. You weren't happy, you weren't mad, you weren't sad. Just nothing.

You enter the house which you called your home for two whole years. Everything was still the same, except it was a little messier. You knew Harry couldn't take care of the house all by himself. The only feminine products you see were yours which you had left behind. So he hasn't been with anyone else ever since too, you think.

You sit down on the bed which you both had shared and you feel a sense of belonging, like you were finally starting to feel emotions again.

"Here…" Harry hands you his hoodie, careful not to touch you. "I'll just go and make dinner, pasta, right? It's- um it's your favourite"

"I don't want to eat"

"Okay"

He sits down beside you, not saying another word. You look at the bedside table and see a framed photo of you both, you were smiling at the camera while Harry was kissing your cheek. He still kept this photo.

"I lost my job," you say slowly. You finally spoke after who knows how many hours.

"Oh…I- um.. I'm so sorry, y/n"

"I didn't know what to do. I was… . so...and- " you break into tears and Harry takes you into his arms. With your head on his chest, you cry out all of the distress you had been feeling for the past few hours. Days. Months. Ever since you had left him. Every single moment was hard for you.

"It's ok, it's ok. I'm here for you," he caresses your hair and kisses your forehead. "I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry y/n. I was such a dick, I- I didn't even know what you were going through. I didn't even understand that you needed me"

"It doesn't matter now. What we had is in the past"

"It matters to me! It… matters ok?! I almost lost you today! I would have never forgiven myself if something happened to you!"

He was also crying now, you didn't know you meant this much to him. You thought he wouldn't even care.

"Please don't….don't ever scare me like that okay? I was fucking scared"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, Harry! You have no idea what these past few months have been for me, I try to forget you but I can't. I just can't! And now, the job that I loved so much is gone, it's gone!"

"Then don't"

"Don't what?"

"Forget me. Don't forget me, you know it was a stupid argument. We should have never broken up because of it"

"It wasn't the argument, Harry, it was what you said"

"Well just like you said, I wasn't thinking at that time"

You both sit in silence for the longest time, you felt relieved that you let your feelings out, you let everything out, even though you were crying and were sad or whatever now, you were just glad that you were feeling something.

"Can we go back?" you whisper.

"Where?"

"To us"

"Yeah… god, yes, yeah. Yes please"

"Okay"

"And we'll find you another job, okay. Even better than this one, don't worry about that. And don't ever think of doing something like that, okay? You are more important than anything else" he was holding so tightly you felt like you would break, but you preferred this to anything else right now.

You slept in Harry's arms again after what felt like an eternity. You promised to yourself that night that no matter how hard life got, no matter what happened, you were going to live. You would find purpose again and live. Just live.

We always think that being happy is all you need in life. That chasing happiness is life's ultimate goal, but you can't choose when you get to be happy. It's something that is not in your hands. But having a purpose will help you get through the darkest of days, the most hurtful sorrows.

You felt peaceful for the first time in a long, long time. You had found your purpose, he was your purpose.

___________

A/N: I'm not trying to glorify suicide or anything, it's a very serious topic and please know that whatever happens, nothing is more worth than your life. No matter what happens, there is always someone out there who will never ever forgive themselves if something happens to you. Please let your feelings out, talk to someone you trust, believe in yourself. Everything will be alright.

Taglist-

@mischiefmanaged011 @notsosmexy @perspectiveparker @justanothermarvelmaniac @missguidedlani @purpleskiesstorm @halfblood-princess-505 @spidey-reids-2003 @peterspideysstuff @musicalkeys @theliterarymess @ilarbu

#harry holland #harry holland angst #harry holland imagine #harry+holland+x+y/n #harry holland blurb #harry holland fic #tw:suicide attempt #talk about death #my purpose #fic

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tdoompoet · 3 years

Text

Keep You: Preservation of Papyrus

Sans had snapped from the humans endless genocide routes, and so took the option away from them by killing everyone himself first. After so many times doing it on his own, he grew tired (and desparate) from the loneliness. He can't keep it up, but he can't stop, either.

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(Full story under Keep Reading, with alt link to Ao3 in notes)

(Potentially triggering drawing at end of story)

(CW: injury, violence, genocide, decapitation, body horror)

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Keep You:

Preservation of Papyrus

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Not again.

He couldn't do it again.

Yet here he was, covered in dusty remains once more, the population under the mountain made silent.

It had become routine:

Wake up.

(was he really awake?)

Recognize the world had Reset.

(again. he had to do it all again. and again. and again--)

Spend an hour staring at the ceiling, bracing himself for the day's work ahead.

(--again. and again. and again. he had to--)

Slip by Papyrus, busy preparing a fresh batch for his spaghetti trap.

("Today I, The Great Papyrus, WILL capture a human! Nyeh-heh-heh!! --Brother! Don't forget to Calibrate! Your! Puzzles" --yet again--)

Murder Everyone.

After so many repeats (thousands? tens of thousands? how many by the kid's hand, how many by his own?), he was able to go about his self-appointed duty on auto-pilot. Easy enough to slip on his smile, walking alongside the townsfolk and make them laugh or groan at corny jokes as though it were any other day, until they were out of sight of anyone else. Then they couldn't react to anything anymore.

Easy enough for the first dozen or so, as he built up his first few levels of LoVe (don't think about how with his single ATK lousy damage that the only ones he could take down swiftly and quietly at first still being in stars damned stripes--). Even easier once the LoVe trickled into his Soul and what little guilt he could still feel was replaced with adrenaline and the growing reinforcement of the knowledge that he would soon be completely alone in this world once more.

But things would be different this time.

He dusted his way through Snowdin, then Waterfall, and Hotland along with the Core, and finally on his way to the Capitol, careful to keep a good distance between his brother and himself even as the population dwindled to be replaced by gusts of dust, and his growing LoVe became more and more obvious to the point that others went on the defensive as soon as they laid eyes on his on imbalanced red-tinted gaze.

No one would be allowed to stop him. He must complete this before the human arrived and destroyed everyone themself. (was he really any better than the kid, or even that damned flower?)

An encounter with the King would have been likely to end in Sans' favor even before he gained any LoVe, what with the King's own LoVe and guilt making him weak to the mercies of the Judge. This, it couldn't even be counted as a fight. Sans couldn't afford to stop and think of why, if it was because the King believed he deserved the Judgement for all his own sins when there was nothing left to lose, or if it was the shock of grief and betrayal from one of his most trusted-- No, can't think about that. There was a goal to complete.

One last task. And then..

The trip to the Room of Souls was quick. Anyone who earned a Royal title was made aware of its exact location, and given a general knowledge of how the Soul containers functioned. No point in limiting the information to the King alone if his death would also result in the loss of the six souls the Underground had managed to collect so far. No point in denying them what little HoPe was left to cling to.

Now, they were Sans' only means of preserving his own last HoPe.

Soul container collected and stashed in his inventory, a detour through New Home where he quickly found and claimed that damned knife (so many Resets since the kid was last able to hit him, and that scar-that-never-happened still fucking BURNED), and a shortcut later found him blinking a gust of dust mixed snow out of his sockets. And ahead of him on the path, same spot as every other time it had come to this point--

Deep breath. Don't get distracted yet. He was so close to finishing this.

So close to saving Papyrus from the non-existent mercies of the creature masquerading as a human.

Papyrus stood there, seemingly expecting him (as he did every time it came to this point of the timeline), the small remainder of hope being replaced with that soul wrenching mix of grief, disappointment, and ever-present Mercy once he took in the changes to his brother. Once he saw the effects of the LoVe he'd earned.

"Brother."

Sans said nothing. Time was of the essence. The human would be through the ruins soon. But--

"All the Dogi are gone. And all of our neighbors."

"..yea." There was no denying the evidence, he fully knew and accepted what he'd done, but somehow it was still a struggle to get the admission out past the sudden tightness in his non-existent throat at admitting it to his brother.

"Undyne isn't answering her phone."

Sans said nothing. The reason why was obvious. He can't think of how his actions hurt his brother just yet. He'll accept everything Papyrus has to throw at him once this is over. He deserves nothing less.

"She's never going to, is she. Nor any of our other friends." A statement. Not a question.

Every other timeline, he ended it immediately upon shortcutting here before his brother had the chance to talk him down. To allow his guilt and grief to overwhelm him before he could finish and result in his brother being left to the tender (non) mercies of the kid. But if this worked (it WOULD work) Papyrus would be able to say anything he wanted to his Soul's content. He'd be ALIVE to do so.

"..i'm sorry, Papyrus. i have to do this." He was cracking. He needed to get his shit together. He needed to finish before that door opened and everything was ruined.

"Brother, this isn't the way to solve any problem! You KNOW this! Talk to me, I don't underst--"

His barely-wavering appeal, a tangled mess of bravery, belief in his brother, and wet with tears of grief finally released when the truth could no longer be denied, was cut off by a wave of bones surging up behind him. Familiarity from years of training with his brother had him dodging forward into Sans' space without a thought. It was playing dirty, but right now that didn't matter.

Sans took advantage of the familiar routine, manipulating Papyrus into position to move under his outstretched arm, yank him down by the scarf, and within a blink the cursed knife was out of his inventory and through Papyrus' neck.

Everything stopped as quickly as it started, Papyrus never even having a chance to recover from the shock before his body started dusting away beneath him.

"W-well, that's not what I expected," Papyrus managed to say. Sans' soul damn near broke right then from hearing the familiar words usually spoken to the human all those genocide runs ago now directed at himself. But he couldn't let it affect him. Not now. No time.

With speed few would believe he possessed, the knife was dropped, the Soul container was out of his inventory, on the ground, opened, and the orange soul of Bravery tossed aside without a thought. With hands starting to shake, Papyrus' head was reverently lowered inside in its place.

The lid was quickly sealed. Sans remained crouched, staring into the jar and shaking with anticipation as the rest of Papyrus dissolved to dust beside him. The scarf caught up in a sudden gust of wind, fluttering down to catch around himself and the container holding what (HoPefully) remained of his brother. It was hard to tell whether it felt more like a threatening noose or a comforting embrace.

(It was his brothers. Of course there was only ever one option it could be, regardless of what Sans thought he deserved.)

The silence stretched on, Sans refusing to break eye contact for a moment even as a stinging mix of magic and dust dripped into his straining sockets. He couldn't look away, not even to blink. Not until he was sure it worked. Not until--

"Brother, I believe we need to have a talk. There are much better ways to solve problems than shoving people into jars! Well, parts of people! That was very rude! I was very attached to my body! And where did you even find a jar that already seemed to have people parts in it?? They--!!!"

Sans couldn't help it. The tension melted out of him, body falling into a heap between the jar containing his ranting (LIVING!) brother and the dissolving human soul. Tremors wracked him as dreaded anticipation of failure switched too quickly into hysterical laughter, the disbelief of success overwhelming.

Alive. Papyrus was still alive, and still very much himself. Well, until the shock wore off, at least. He was well aware he had a lot to make up to Papyrus for, not that he could ever make up for everything he had done. But Papyrus was safe, ALIVE. With him, and unable to needlessly sacrifice himself to the human yet again.

Sans managed to save him, and he would never have to be alone with his ghosts again.

At the far end of the path, through the woods and over the bridge, a stone door creaked open. The human child stepped out into the snow.

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A.N. Wasn't sure how to do it, but had the idea of the human coming out of the ruins and being horrified out of their genocidal stupor at the image of Sans gleefully hugging the jar containing his brother's decapitated head, evidence that he'd willfully done it surrounding him. Who knows, maybe it would be enough of a shock to get them to reconsider their choices up to now.

Alternatively, there was the idea that Sans would manage to evade the human while keeping the Papyrus jar close to him at all times (perhaps he even did this early on before killing everyone else), and.. just enjoying what he can of his brother's company before using him as a last resort EXP boost, even going so far as to break the jar and finish dusting his brother in front of the human for the extra shock factor.

But I couldn't bring myself to go that route. With Papyrus having the chance to natter on and chip away at his brother's mental walls while trapped in the soul container, I don't think Sans could have brought himself to murder Papyrus a second time in one run.

#undertale #sans #papyrus #dusttale #genocide route #undertale au #genocide #decapitation #violence #death #major character injury #sans has had enough #he can't lose papyrus again #TDoomPoet Keep You UT series

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neo-culture-mafia · 4 years

Text

IV. Sorry, My Dear

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️

The following story contains themes of suicidal thoughts and addiction. Please do not read if you find these themes triggering in any way. Read this post before reading this piece of FICTION

Have you heard the story of the guy,

Who decided not to die?

"Another day at the office...another day in hell." Jae mumbled to himself. The black lettering seemed never ending as he moved page after page.

Everyone was long gone and he was left with his thoughts that reflected the current state of his desk: scattered and full on unwanted words.

"Come on, Jae. Let's go get drinks with Boss." Jae had mimicked the voices of the other associates that worked in the office today. "No. I'm good. Got to finish this work. Beep-boop-boop." He moved his arms in a robot-like fashion.

"Look at me. Working me life away. Jaehyun. That's my name." He moved the papers in random places. This would be Jae's 4th breakdown this week where he needed to tell himself to hold on until tomorrow.

Johnnny looked on in concern from behind the entrance wall. "No good, Jaehyun. Don't wear it out." Jae's hands waves over his head in a dramatic fashion as he pushed himself around in his wheeled office chair.

It wasn't until Johnny saw Jae's hands form into a gun shape that he intervened in the middle of his best friend's scary emotional outburst.

"Jae! There you are!" He rushed over and punched his friend's arm. The look in Jaehyun's eyes made Johnny uneasy. It looked like he had been caught which made him break more. "You almost finished? I wanted to catch a movie with you and maybe have a hangout night," Jae was taken aback by the energy outburst at 2 am.

He could only look at Johnny's excited face from where he sat in his chair, strands of hair obstructing only pieces of his vision. "I got the new Call of Duty and PubG for the console." Johnny's hands rummaged in his pockets till he pulled out his phone, his eyebrows wiggling fiercely. "It's only...2:17. We got all the time in the world."

Johnny picked up Jae's suit jacket that was thrown over the cubicle wall and the younger boy's heavy bag. "I'll drive." Johnny pulled Jae up and turned off his lamp.

They were in the darkness of the office and Jae was still shocked that he was caught before he got worse.

"What do you wanna eat? Steak? McDonald's? Junk food?" Johnny's rambling was tuned out of Jae's mind. He followed the taller man willingly down and out of the office building and to his familiar car.

"Uh...doesn't matter." Was the first thing that came out of Jaehyun's mouth. "Then we'll get everything." Johnny's laugh made Jae's heart swell with hope for the first time in weeks.

'Maybe next time,' he thought, 'I'll hang out with Johnny one last time.'

The car ride was filled with laughter and being in the cold air surrounding the both of them.

Johnny still wonders to this day what would've happened if he didn't walk in the time he did. He had been called to pick up the paperwork from Jae's desk but was met with a sad reality.

Jaehyun wanted to escape reality.

Just kill me in my sleep,

Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen

This was it...this was the day. He's written the letters and found a place to go calmly. He was in a euphoric sense that nothing really mattered anymore.

He had been on cloud 9 all week as he's happily been overworked and no one ever asked how he had been doing.

Right now, he was just driving. Driving to take in his home city one last time.

The sun was setting when he came to Han River Park. The clusters of happy people congregated in small bursts of happiness and 'its okay' and 'everything will be alright's.

He parked and stood at the grass's edge. He took deep breaths as the air swept across his body calmly. "Everything is so beautiful." He whispered to himself as he watched the birds dance across the water with such grace.

The lump in his throat that made it home was beginning to ache. Yet, he swallowed his pride and continued looking over the people who would continue their own story's even after his had reached the end. The credits would roll and everyone would walk away from the theater without a second thought.

"I mean. I get that's it's pretty. But I haven't seen someone cry at the scenery since my last romance movie." He was snapped out of reality to see a girl standing next to him.

"Excuse me?" Was all he could manage to get out.

You chuckled, sticking your hand out. "Y/n." You introduced yourself and he was trying to not shake your hand, look the other way, and leave without another word being exchanged.

"Jaehyun." His actions spoke for him as he reached his hand out to meet yours. Your hand was soft and warm in his. A warmness and calm he hasn't felt in a while.

"I'm gonna go get some ice cream. Wanna come?" You barely knew him and we're asking him to accompany you to a sweet treat. "You don't know me." Jae got defensive, his arms crossing over his chest.

"I could be a murderer and you invited me for ice cream?" His questions had your face turn up. "Well I'm sure that murderers like ice cream too. So let's go." You grabbed his arm and pulled him down the long stretch of concrete. You walked and tried to match your steps with his long strides. Your arm cutely wrapped around his as you walked.

"So tell me about yourself, Mr. Jaehyun."

He figured living was just easier than falling really high

"We need to clean." You whined while rolling around in the vast bed full of messed up sheets and a relaxing Jaehyun. "Not now. I just wanna cuddle." He grabbed your body and held you close.

"No. We've been cuddling all day. We need to clean." You got up and pulling at his hands. "You can clean the closet and I can clean the rest of the room. Then cuddles." You reasoned and he groaned as he got up, giving into your wishes.

"Fine." He automatically sat on the ground and opened your shared closet doors.

"I'll be tidying up around here." You ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head sweetly. "If you need anything just shout." He called as you exited the room to probably start on the kitchen.

Box after box of paperwork and more paperwork from the last 10 years of working in his like of work.

Your singing could be heard through your house as you comedically sang some of the greatest hits. His laughter broke through the apartment when your own voice shook with laughs.

He came upon some photo books with Polaroids of you and him. The last 2 years had been lived in a heaven like state. He hadn't touched alcohol and drugs like he was earlier in his life...before you changed him.

His physical and mental growth were apparent in the pictures as he flipped through the pages. Your hand drawn hearts and small journal entries under some photos had his heart beating rapidly with joy.

He put the book next to his side to look at later with you. His hand came across an unmarked cardboard photo box that had a thin layer of dust on it.

He jiggled the lid off and was met with envelopes. The letters. His notes to his bosses and his friends apologizing for what he was about to do.

Apologizing for the mess they were going to have to clean up in his apartment and in the office where his files would never be filed. Apologizing for giving up so easily and not serving out the rest of his life like he had sworn. Apologizing for not being strong enough to ask for help when he really tried to make it obvious. Apologizing to whoever had to find him after it was all said and done.

Apologizing for not saying goodbye.

"Hey. Do we have any tile cle- oooo letters. Who are they to?" Your voice had made Jae jump like when Johnny caught him that dark night in the office. Like he was caught doing and thinking stuff he shouldn't be.

"No one. Me. In 50 years. Y'know," he shrugged, tossing them back in the box and throwing them in the closet and standing up quickly, "time capsule thing me and the guys did." He shrugged it off and you could only nod.

"Well that's cool. Can't wait to see how you've grown." Your smile had his own lips mimicking in want. Wanting to have your blissful ignorance of what those letters really were.

"Oh yeah. Do we have any more tile cleaner?" You asked and he lead you out to the closet where he scowered the top shelves in search for the cleaning supply.

"You can have it. For a kiss." He held it above his head. You waste no time in kissing his cheek and pulling on his arm till you grabbed the cleaner and ran. His laughs chased your own as you both wrestled for a while.

Both of you laid on the living room carpet, just enjoying the close presence.

His heart was at peace.

I'm okay,

I feel a little bit sick

You had began to notice how Jae had been getting more dull. A year had passed since the night you pointed out the letters. It began to go all down hill from there.

He gave you the same love and affection he usually did, but his eyes held no emotion to big events outside. Alcohol had started to replace meals and sleep.

"Jae you need to eat." You laid a hand on his shoulder softly. "I'm actually going to go grab a drink with some of the boys." And like that. He was out of the apartment. Yet, everytime he came stumbling in the front door with a stench that could repel nuclear waste, you nurses him into bed. Setting an aspirin and water next to his head. Most nights didn't wrap up until 4 am when you knew he was home safe.

You slept with your arms wrapped strongly around his body, afraid he would try to get up and leave to drink again without you noticing.

Mornings would be a rough time as you awoke to a sick Jaehyun who couldn't tell left from right. You were there were comforting words and endless services if bet only asked.

His guilt ate at his chest till there was a free falling feeling that would cease when he took his first shot.

He knew he was getting bad again. He knew he needed to get help but everytime he woke up to face an aspirin and a cool glass of water, the guilt made him drink even more the next night.

He sometimes wished you would leave him to make this easier on you. He wished you would fall out of love and go to bed before he got home.

He wished you didn't introduce yourself in the first place.

But have you heard,

The story of the guy who decided not to die?

Jaehyun got clean again. He started being more present in reality and eventually returned to normal. Sometimes he did get carried away with the alcohol but you were there to help him put down the bottle.

He started openly hanging out with his friends in large gatherings where he didn't mind starting the conversation. He got addicted on life again.

You were all out on a big dinner. You and the other women of the mafia men gathered in the social room while Jae and his closest friends talked and joked around in the parlor.

"Want another drink?" Mark asked as he nudged Jae's elbow. "No I'm okay. I hit my limit for the night."

His friends were the most supportive people that he originally thought wouldn't be. Once be reached his limit, they all switched to fruity drinks followed by water. "So I need your guys' help with something." Jae smiled, taking the blue chalk and rubbing it on the worn end of the billiard's stick.

"What's up, dude?" Johnny asked and all the boys tuned into Jaehyun and his request. "I want to propose to y/n." He said and the room automatically erupted in shouts and cheers. "Sssshhhh." He tried to shush everyone. They remembered the presence of the women in the building and quickly shut up.

"Y/n said she wanted a wedding in the flower fields about.." Jae recalled the previous conversation he had with you. "2 hours from here?" He said and Hyuck automatically knew which ones he was talking about. "It's going to have to be a spring wedding!" He said excitedly and grabbing a pad of paper and a pen from his pocket.

"Alright, lover boy, spill." He said knocking all of the pool balls out of the way, "hey we were playing!" Doyoung protested and Hyuck could only write down the location of the fields, "I'm helping our brother get a wife. Go play with your balls somewhere else." He back handed which caused the room to erupt in laughter.

"Okay. Now. I'm going to need time to get the catering. I'm thinking pork," Hyuck rambled writing down the possible ideas, "or is she more of a chicken person?" he continued which caused some of the boys to chuckle at the wedding-excited nature no one knew Hyuck possessed in himself.

"Also I need to find a cake. I would make it myself but we all know that these beautiful hands would be wrinkly by the time I'm done icing cake for 500 people-" "500?!" Jae said loudly which caused Johnny to slap a hand over his younger friends mouth. "Well duh. That's a minimum." Donghyuck shook his head, drawing a picture of what the cake needed to look like. "amateur."

"I need to get the ring first." Jae said quietly and Taeyong piped in. "Don't even worry about it. I'll take you in the morning to the jewler's to pick out the bands and diamonds. Maybe you could get an engagement ring with her birth stone then the real ring with yours and your wedding band could have hers." Taeyong started rambling ideas, Hyuck writing lightning speed on the pad of paper.

"I call doing the gifts!" Mark and Jungwoo said at the same time. "I'm nominating myself as the planner." Hyuck said writing the roles down. "I'll get the tuxes for us." Taeil nominated himself for the job with a smile. "We need to get Yuta and the rest of the boys up here!" Doyoung brought up a good point.

"Yuta will just bring baby supplies. We're not telling him until a day before the ceremony." Hyuck pointed at the boys but was met with a hit upside the head from Johnny.

"I have to find out the color palette. I'll go to Renjun and then I'll go to Jaemin for the fireworks- Jisung will be the flower girl." Donghyuck kept rattling off things he needed to get done.

"Thank you for giving me this job. I won't let you down." He finally said, laying a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Better not. It need to be perfect for her. Perfection deserves perfection." Jae said and some gagged while other coo'd at his unwithering love you for you.

The chatty hustle didn't cease as Johnny patted on Jaehyun's shoulder. "You okay?" Johnny asked with a smile on his face. Jaehyun couldn't keep the smile off of his own face. "Never better. On cloud 9." He said and Johnny's heart eased from the constant fear of Jae not being here the next day. But he didn't need to worry anymore.

"I actually need to ask you." Jae said finally putting the polished stick down on the table. "Will you be my best man?" Johnny's eyes lit up like fireworks as he brought Jae in for a manly yet friendly hug.

"I'm so proud of you, Jaehyun."

I'm enamored with the thought of seeing angels in the sky singing,

Singing, "Everything's alright."

Jaehyun proposed the next week. You both went out to an amazing and fancy moonlit dinner where you both danced and decided to start this new journey together.

Then two days after the proposal, he relapsed the worst he has ever had. Johnny found him in your guys' apartment and immediately called you and everyone who he thought he could help.

It's now present day and you can only look at Jaehyun with guilt in your eyes.

The funeral was held in the flower fields you both planned to get married in. The day was cold and dark but he had never looked so happy in his final resting place. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you the happiness you craved." You kissed his cheek before the lid was finally closed.

Now the marble had been set in place and you were alone again.

"I'm not mad. I'm jus-just so...so sorry." You wept, reaching out for him.

"I read the letter and can only ask. Why?"

The only things he had left was a damn note with the words, 'Sorry, My Dear' signing off the page as if he deemed it enough. As if his love had a capacity limit.

"I'm sorry you-you thought I was going to leave you if you told me you were so un-unhappy with life." Your stuttering didn't come to a stop as you could only imagine tears streaming down his own cheeks wherever he was in the universe. The feeling of being ashamed sent you reeling down where you had to support yourself on your knees.

The silent sobs hurt your chest as you had this free falling feeling in your chest getting more deeper. It was as if someone was pounding your chest with a drum mallot. Your heart was breaking as you felt a hand on your shoulder. Yet, you knew no one was there.

"You promised me forever." Your voice was shaky as you brushed the stray pieces of grass away from the marble in the ground.

'Jaehyun. Found happiness in where ours couldn't reach.'

"And I promise, Jae. I will love you...forever."

"And I'm so proud of you for making it this far." You whispered, fingers tracing his name on the polished marble for what felt like the millionth time.

You laid on the ground next to his resting place and looked into the vast blue sky where you imagined him reaching down to you; his soft voice that he used to sing you to sleep with carrying you with him to where you both could live happily ever after. You lifted your hands up as the tears came down.

"You did well."

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artificialqueens · 3 years

Text

Gimme Love, 4/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! So I realised I forgot to explain the idea behind this story. This is part of a series I'm working on called 'Head in the Clouds' - stories that are inspired by the music of Joji. This story is loosely based off the music video for 'Gimme Love'. I couldn't make sense of the actual video cause it goes by so fast (if you watch it you'll see what I mean), but I kind of have an idea.

Thanks for listening to my TEDtalk.

Major Trigger warnings: Dementia, death, grief, homophobic slurs

-_-_-_-

2003

"Brianna, could you come here?"

I put my pen down on the kitchen table, not really minding that Grandpa was interrupting me. The studying was tiring, if anything.

Walking into his room, I found him getting up from his desk.

"Hey, Grandpa," I said.

"Brianna, do me a favour, baby. Could you read me this one chapter?" He asked, retreating to his bed.

Bit of an odd request for him. "Why? What's up?"

I picked it up, one of the many books that delved into the science and possibility of the existence of parallel universes.

"I'm just...finding it kind of hard to concentrate." He laughed to himself. He made a groaning sound as his back hit the bed.

I sat by him and read about 3 chapters before he said, "that'll do. Thanks, honey."

I got up and moved to the desk, briefly glancing at the front cover, at the main character with his telescope. Far off memories flashed in my brain. I put the book down, turning to face him.

"What are you smiling at, honey?" Grandpa asked, a smile appearing on his own face.

"I just...remember the night you told Jujubee and me about 'the other world'. We haven't stopped talking about it since." I admitted, putting the book back on his desk. "And we'd always play these games like we were there. Our lives would be so different. And just a little bit better."

"And then you found yourself wanting that in reality." Grandpa finished for me.

I was silent, but he knew he was right. "It's not that I didn't appreciate what I already had. It's just...whenever my anxiety was surfacing, or whenever someone was mean in school, or whenever I thought of my parents, I'd just...want to escape." I sat down in the chair next to his bed again, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it reassuringly. "Didn't you ever feel the same?"

Grandpa breathed out a sigh through his nose, his smiling widening. "Brie, of course, I have. All the games you and Juju played, it's called escapism. And it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Wouldn't you ever try to find one?"

"Find what?"

"I don't know. A door? A gateway to the other world?"

He didn't even need to tell me 'yes.' He had spent many years reading the books, sometimes reading them more than once, making notes and coming up with his own theories. He probably felt the same way I did. In darker times, when things didn't feel like they'd get any better, he was curious about his other-self.

I knew the answer was yes. But I liked hearing him talk about these things.

"Baby, it's something I've always wanted to do. I always...wanted to know if it was possible...to slip into that other world, find this house, and just hope and pray my wife would still be on the other side of that door. I'd kiss her hand and bring her back here. And, life would be complete." He confessed. His smile was sweet but also sad, "But you know, with old age comes difficulties. My brain ain't what it used to be. Just all these words. Sometimes, they're...foreign to me."

This was the beginning of a long year. All the signs started out small, usually, Grandpa looking out the window wondering when his wife would come back from the store and losing the ability to read.

And over time, it slowly began to escalate, getting worse with each month. So bad to the point he'd take his seat belt off at a red light and try to get out. Or he'd shout at Mom, saying she's going the wrong way. Every piece of my Grandpa was slipping away.

And it was all taking a toll on my own happiness.

"You look pretty today." Jujubee commented as we walked through the hallway.

"If you say so." That was all I could reply with.

"No, really. Your hair looks really cute like that." She tried again.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I literally pinned two pieces from the front to the back of my head. It was a half-assed attempt of trying to convince everyone I gave a fuck anymore.

"Yeah, right, Juju. I look no better than I did yesterday. Or the day before. And the day before that.

Jujubee paused for a moment, whereas I continued on. "Are you OK?"

I turned to look at her. "Yeah." I lied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I wasn't ready for this, Jujubee concerns. The truth was I never told her about my Grandpa because then she'd want to talk about it, then I'd cry, then I'd probably go home and have a breakdown, then I'd give Mom more shit to worry about.

Judging from her knit brows, she wasn't buying it. Before she could even ask anything else, I turned back around, just wanting to get on with things and get to my next class on time. But Trevor just had to be there. He knocked me hard on the shoulder, making me drop my books and almost fall to the ground.

He quickly spun around, watching me collect my books. "Man, who put that trash there?"

I glanced at him with a scorn.

"Hey, douchebag," Jujubee stepped in front of Trevor, "I can see you're a little butt-hurt now that your sex life is dryer than a nuns vagina."

My eyes were wide now, knowing that wouldn't sit well.

"What did you fucking say to me?" Trevor raised a brow.

"You heard." Jujubee said with such spite. "Why don't you go rub one out to your Mom or something? Stop projecting all your problems onto my girl?"

Trevor scoffed a laugh. "Your girl? What are you, a couple of dykes?"

My jaw was almost on the ground. I looked around, noting the students observing as they passed by. I couldn't let them know my secret. I couldn't.

"Why? Does that make us all the more interesting?" Jujubee squinted her eyes. "Honey, don't pretend the thought of us 'dykes’ making out doesn't make an insecure guy like you hard."

A sound emitted from my throat - A panicked sound. Like a yell, one that was dragging its way up my throat, fighting to get out. The attention of everyone around was on the situation, since when? I had only become aware now of the sounds of thrill and excitement. I was internally panicking. How many people were there? Were they even looking at me?

"Not in your wildest dreams, honey." Trevor practically spat the last word before deciding he was finished. He turned and walked away.

Jujubee approached me, rolling her eyes. "God, does he know when to quit?"

But I just stared at her, pretty sure I was trembling. My eyes were still wide, and my jaw stiff.

"Brie?" She blinked.

I could feel it, the lump in my throat beginning to form, like a hard stone that was lodged in place. Blinking a few times, I held the books tighter to my chest and turned to walk away.

"Brianna, what the fuck?" Jujubee came after me.

"Juju, just...leave me the fuck alone." My voice cracked as I quickened my pace.

She didn't follow me anymore. Thank fuck. Because next thing I knew, I was in a bathroom cubicle, quietly crying. I stupidly decided to not go to class. I say stupidly because, during the last period, Denali leaned over and told me she thought they suspended me. When I asked why she would even think that, she said the rumours spread fast, that I had punched Jujubee.

Oh, high school drama.

Of course, Jujubee didn't deserve this. She was only doing her friendly duty and looking out for me. But I didn't need any more shit from Trevor. I didn't want all those eyes on me as I walked the corridors. My home life was already too much.

I wanted to hold on to my Grandpa for as long as I could. But seeing his health dwindle, it felt like someone was coming to get him. And no matter how much I wanted to hold on, they were going to take him away no matter what.

Around 7 months in, his immune system was beginning to fail. He was bedridden.

I'd sit with him for at least an hour every day, either reading to him, feeding him, or just having a long talk. I had a tendency to write down at least one sentence from each conversation like it would provide me with some comfort, like he was still there. When in reality he was...he was...

"Why the sad face, baby?"

I snapped out of my trance, blinking a few times as I looked at him. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"What happened? Did someone break your heart?" He asked, following it up with a laugh.

I let myself smile. "No, thank God. I'm just sleepy. I had a long day at school."

"That's a shame. I was gonna suggest we break out the old telescope. I bet we'd find Cassiopeia if we tried hard enough."

My mouth formed a hard line, unsure of how to respond. As much as I wanted so badly to sit out in the garden with him, he wouldn't even be able to make it there.

"You sure you're OK, Brianna?" Grandpa asked.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking." I looked away, studying my nails instead.

"Well, if it's not a heartache, I bet someones caught your eye?" He asked with a smirk.

I couldn't help but allow the corners of my lips to curve up. "Yeah, actually."

"Oooh." He cooed. "And what are they like?"

I thought for a second, debating how I should answer. To be honest or not. If I lied, would it even make a difference?

Looking at his innocent face, I decided fuck it.

"Sweet. Beautiful. The bluest eyes I've ever seen." I paused. "She's an absolute angel."

Grandpa was silent momentarily. But just as the nerves were beginning to surface, he replied, "and does she know how you feel?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you let her know?"

I took a deep breath in. "Because...I don't know if she likes me back. I don't know if she even likes girls."

"All you can do is try."

"It's not that simple," I spoke quietly. "She's...popular. She's beautiful. She's...everything that I'm not."

My eyes drifted to my hands once again. If I cried, would it even matter? Wouldn't he forget?

"Don't say that about yourself, honey." He reached a hand out and put it on mine. "You don't actually believe that, do you?"

I lifted my gaze again, looking at him with glossy eyes. My silence spoke volumes.

"Oh, no, Brianna." He said with such disappointment. "I can't believe you feel that way. Ain't you ever stopped to look at yourself?"

"No," I whispered. "I can't stand it."

"You need to. Because you are prettier than you know." His own eyes were glistening now. "You may not believe me, but someday you're gonna meet someone who will show you."

I dabbed the inner corner of my eye, "You really think that?"

"I know."

"That means a lot." I smiled.

He gave one final pat to my hand and pulled it away. "Do me a favour, honey. Could you get me some juice?"

"Sure."

I stood up and left for the kitchen.

On my way, I passed through the hall, catching a glance at my reflection. Naturally, I would have disregarded it. But I stopped and stood in front of it. And I just looked.

I wasn't immediately satisfied. But upon taking my glasses off, my opinion changed. I learned pretty quickly my eyes were the best from my facial features.

I smiled. Best not. My frown was oddly alluring. I tried smiling again, this time with teeth. But the braces just ruined the mood.

Putting my glasses on again, I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt tiny paws tap my feet. Of course, it was just Piggie. I scooped him up and looked at both of us together.

"God has favourites, Piggie. Take a wild guess out of us two who it is." I looked at his face in the mirror.

He cocked his head, looking at his own reflection like he couldn't figure out what was going on.

I carried on to the kitchen with Piggie still in my arms, poured the juice and made my way back to Grandpa's room.

I pushed open the door with my foot.

Grandpa's head quickly shot up as I walked in.

"Sorry it took so long. I - -"

"Who are you??"

I froze on the spot. "It's me."

"Roberta! Roberta, there's somebody in the fucking house!!"

My brain went into panic mode. I set the juice to the side, put Piggie out into the hall and approached the bed.

He was continuously shouting, thrashing around in the bed as if to escape. I tried grabbing his hands, reassuring him it was me, his Grandchild. We had literally just been talking.

But he only roared over the sound of my voice, trying to fight my hands off him.

"Pop! It's OK!" Mom rushed into the room. "It's just Brianna!"

I took a step back, letting her take control. He stared at me with an intense level of fear. What did he think I was going to do? Who did he think I was?

"Brie, go to your room or something. I'll calm him down." Mom commanded with a crack in her voice.

With a wavered breath, I left. The sounds of his shouts, I couldn't bear it. I had to get away, even for a little bit. I needed out.

I hurried out the front door, stuffing my arms inside my jacket sleeves, and marched down the path. I didn't even look back at the colourful house. I just wandered. Wherever my feet were going to take me, I'd be fine.

In a sense, I felt cruel, like I was selfish. Despite wanting to be around my Grandpa for as long as possible, I couldn't stand moments like these. But you'd think dealing with this for so long would have toughened me up a bit.

Not even in the slightest.

There I was, marching down the street, trying hard not to have an episode. I tried to maintain my breathing, but the fast pace in my step didn't help. My hands were clammy, not that having them in my pockets helped.

Again, I had no idea where I was going. My eyes remained fixated on the ground. Therefore I was oblivious to the person hastily approaching.

"Brianna, Jesus!"

Jujubee now stood in front of me with her hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.

"I said your name like 5 times, girl." Jujubee dropped her hand. Her eyes looked me up and down, "What happened? You're shaking."

I was?

"I…" I tucked a strand of hair behind my hair, "I need a cigarette or something."

Jujubee dragged me to the bus shelter, sat me down on the ground like we were still children, parking our behinds wherever the fuck we wanted.

Despite the feeling of anxiety burning my insides, I did spark up a cigarette, anything to shift my thoughts from the current state of my family. Just something normal.

"Girl, are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Jujubee was itching to snatch it from my hand and toss it.

Instead, I said, "Jujubee?"

"Yeah?"

Eyes still glued to the ground, I blinked, "This is it. He's dying."

Jujubee didn't even need to ask. She knew about his dementia for months now. I had no choice but to tell her. The stress from it all got too much, and I was becoming more and more irritable. It was unfair to put her through that. I had to tell her everything.

Jujubee shuffled closer, "What happened?"

I couldn't bring myself to even tell her. Words couldn't even begin to describe the feeling. That feeling of just grabbing him by the hand, and running away as far as possible, so this sickness would just leave us alone.

I blew out a long cloud of smoke, closing my eyes as I let my chest deflate.

There was something about this moment in time. 9PM, at the bus shelter, sitting on the cold ground, smoking a cigarette, Jujubee by my side, her hand now in mine. It didn't feel real. None of it did.

Yet this wasn't foreign to me - This bus stop was the same one from my childhood, that day when baby Blair and I hid from the rain. Funny how the younger version of myself thought I was protecting her from her abusive father.

As bad of a time it was, the thought was comforting in the current moment, sitting there with Blair. The only problem I faced those days was my emotional outbursts and the emotional toll they took on my Mom. Oh, how naive I was, completely unaware of how life could get any harder.

Only 3 weeks later, Grandpa was hospitalised, his immune system reaching its lowest point. I visited him every day after school. There were more moments of forgotten memory, but it made it less frightening with Mom by my side.

One day in particular, however, he seemed in better spirits. It was as if the old him was back, just for a few hours.

"I'm going to the soda machine. You want anything, baby?" Mom stood up from her chair, pulling her purse from her bag.

"I'm good." I gave her a gracious smile.

She nodded, taking another look at my Grandpa before she even moved to the door. I could see the reluctance behind her eyes. She did this every time she left the room, no matter where she was going.

My eyes followed her as she left. Grandpa spoke, "Now that she's gone, any update on that girl?" He asked. I looked back in surprise. How he had remembered that was mind-blowing. He continued, "we haven't had a one-to-one conversation in a long time, honey. Give me an update."

I breathed a sigh out, lifting my brows briefly. "Nothing has become of it, no."

"Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose."

I smiled sadly. Easier said than done, Grandpa.

He coughed. "Lord, I'd love a cigarette right about now. Do me a favour, though; please stop smoking."

I wasn't completely shocked. He had noticed on a few occasions that he was down a cigarette. "I will." I wasn't lying. But I wasn't making any promises either.

"Brianna?" Grandpa looked at me now.

"Yeah?" I put my feet up on his bed, leaning back in my chair.

"Promise me one thing?"

"Of course."

His eyes remained on me, and he smiled briefly. "Promise me that you'll find a way to the other world. Could you do that for me?"

I had to admit, It was a huge thing to ask of someone like me. It was terrible to say, but I couldn't help but feel this was sort of selfish. Yes, he was on the brink of death, but how could he expect me to be such a miracle worker.

Instead of protesting, however, I just said, "Sure."

Two days later, he passed away.

I didn't cry at all, vowing that I would remain strong for Mom. I had already had my turn at grieving my own parents. And she was by my side for all of that.

Now it was my turn to be there for her. Throughout the whole funeral, I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders, like she had done for me throughout the years. It was a strange feeling - being the one to take care of her for a change. Her head on my chest, hand squeezing mine, it was just so hard to accept.

I almost thought she was going to crumble when they lowered his casket into the ground.

As I said before, there are two types of people in this world; those who hate the sight of their Mother crying and fucking liars.

Because, even though she was my Mother, she was his little girl. And losing a parent is losing a huge part of your life.

Everyone was invited back to the house after the funeral in the hopes the togetherness would lighten the mood.

Of course, it didn't fix everything, but it did allow us some time to breathe.

"You OK, Brianna?" Aunt Monét asked as I handed her some tea.

"I'm fine." Obviously, that was a lie.

I really did think I was doing everyone a favour by putting up the strong front. Little did I know the toll this would take on my own emotional well being. That whenever Grandpa came up in conversation, I'd run. If only I had realised that sooner.

I was afraid of questions like Monét had asked. So school would be a nightmare. Thankfully I was granted 2 weeks off.

The first week I lay in bed, watching box sets of The X Files. Pretty sure I almost gave myself a bladder infection from just laying there too long.

The second week, I finally decided to stop lying around and be useful. Mom recommended I break out the telescope one night. So I invited Jujubee over. I warned her beforehand that she was not to ask me any concerning questions or treat me any different. Of course, she was different with me. But she didn't ask any questions. We just carried on, looking up at the stars through the telescope.

The same week, I also found myself sitting in his room, feeling his presence very much there with me. So I took to reading his books out loud in the hopes I could keep his spirit entertained.

However, I only became interested in the books myself. I read one book. Then another. And another. And another. Fiction and non-fiction. All based on parallel universes. I couldn't get enough of it.

And reading turned into studying - taking notes, hypothesising, questioning.

And then I got Jujubee interested. Just 4 weeks after beginning, it was more than just a hobby. It was a prospect.

-_-_-_-

2020

"Miss. Caldwell. Miss Caldwell, ma'am."

I snapped back to reality, embarrassed that I had even blacked out at all. You'd think I'd know there were more important things at stake, now that I was in the presence of the Secretary of Defence, at a meeting in the middle of an almost empty hangar. Everyone around me, my team included, were important people. I needed them to believe I was on the same level as they were.

"Yes, the atmosphere of the other world," I said, hoping he would think I was listening.

"We're beyond that point now, actually." The General pointed out, standing with his hands behind his back. I couldn't lie. I felt intimidated by him, what with the uniform and all.

I glanced at his black badge, which matched mine. Did that mean I was a general like him now? Were we even on the same level? 'Cause when I woke up that morning, I tripped over my own feet and almost hit my head off the ground. I couldn't be on this guy's level.

"I asked if this place would be big enough for the construction of the rocket." He asked.

I looked around at the wide space. Yeah, it was huge, but when it came to constructing a rocket, that was all beyond me. Sure, it would probably take a good 3 minutes to walk from one end to the other. But was it high enough? I had no idea what I could even say to this guy. "Yeah, it's good."

I hoped it would be good.

"Then it's yours." He gave a quick smile. It didn't make me feel any less intimidated. He began pointing out different sections of the place, a small lab in one corner, offices in another, along the left wall was a cafeteria, and 4 sets of surprisingly clean bathrooms.

All this space, it was mine. And only an hour after the meeting with the General, we were already shipping equipment over.

"This is wild. You could fit two concert halls in here." Jujubee slipped an arm around my shoulders, the pair of us watching as a truck pulled into the hangar, carrying more gear.

I blew a sigh of relief out through my mouth. "I just can't believe this is happening. Like, why me, of all people? When do good things ever happen like this? Like, didn't I always say 'why do bad things happen to good people?'"

Jujubee laughed, "girl, good things DO happen to you. You have a luxury apartment in New York, you're filthy rich, you're a celebrity." She playfully punched me in the arm.

"Well, you're not wrong." I shrugged.

"You deserve every bit of this." She turned to get a better look at me. "You fought for so long to get people on board with this project. You continued on when people doubted you when they laughed. I think you deserve good things to happen to you."

I smiled bashfully, looking to the ground for a brief moment, "Aw, Juju," looking back to her, she lifted a hand and held my cheek. Naturally, I would have shied away, but not now. At this moment, I absolutely adored this bitch. "I couldn't have done this without you."

"I know. You've told me." She pinched my cheek before looking away.

Her hand fell by her side, so I took it in mine. "No, really. You think I would have continued without you here? You remember all those times I wanted to give up? All the times you called me out on my bullshit?"

"Hey, somebody had to do it." She shrugged in return yet swung my hand.

"That's very true." I looked at her for a moment longer. Only now did I notice the way her lashes fluttered when she blinked, how cute that was.

Her eyes moved around the large space again. "Think we could fit a Starbucks in here?"

I pulled my gaze away from her, also having another look around. "Girl, you could fit fucking 10 Starbucks in here." I raised a brow in her direction then. "Should I?"

She laughed as she continued to swing my hand like we were just children again. Honestly, that's what I felt like; A small child in her own Kingdom.

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #high school au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw dementia #tw death #tw grief #tw homophobic slurs

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spencers-dria · 3 years

Text

Lost in a Daydream

Someone to Stay Ch. 14

Content/Trigger Warnings: darker topics on death and mentions of alcohol

You step into your patients room, closing the door gently behind you. The palliative care nurse is already in the room, breaking the news to the husband.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Gray. I know you love Cristina very much. This is a difficult time, and we are here to help you through it in any way we can."

"Help?! You're not helping!" He yells as he stands up, pushing the nurses hand off his shoulder.

"If you were really helping you'd be saving her not letting her die!" Tears start to stream down his face as he clenches his fists, his face red with anger.

"I know it's hard to understand. There's nothing else that can be done. It's been 30 days on the ventilator. Do you remember the paperwork she filled out? She didn't want to live like this."

"Don't you dare tell me what my wife wanted! And I don't care about any damn paperwork! I'm her husband, and I should get final say!"

His body language has definitely become more aggressive. You step in to help diffuse the tension, and act as backup if needed. You quickly page the charge nurse, before things escalate. You'd rather have too much help than not enough.

"I know you're hurting Mr. Gray. We truly are sorry. But your wife made legally binding choices, and we have to honor her wishes. We will help you through every step and make her as comfortable as possible."

"I've heard enough! I'm not gonna stick around here to watch you people kill my wife!"

He storms out pushing past both of you, nearly knocking over the charge nurse on her way into the room.

The three of you share a look, knowing how hard this can be on families. You get ready to continue the process, making sure you stick by Cristina Gray's side so she's not alone.

A couple hours later, it's the end of shift and you're completely beat, emotionally and physically. Luckily you made plans for a girls night, and if anyone can cheer you up, it's Penelope Garcia.

You arrive at Penelope's apartment to find that Aunt JJ and Emily have already arrived. They're all sitting around chatting with full wine glasses. 10 things I Hate About You is on in the background, a classic. You plop down on the couch, reaching over to the coffee table to pour yourself a glass of wine.

"Long day, huh?" Emily asks, looking genuinely concerned.

"Yeah we had to let a patient go. The family didn't take it too well."

"I'm so sorry, Y/N." JJ says while wrapping an arm around you to give you a comforting squeeze.

Penelope gets up from her seat to embrace you in a hug. You needed that.

You take in a deep breath before responding. "Thank you, all of you. But I'll be ok, I'm pretty used to it. Tonight I just want to relax, and have fun!"

"Well in that case, how are things going with Spencer?" Emily raises her eyebrows, giving you a smirk.

"Emily!" JJ chastises her, giving her a look of exasperation.

You laugh it off. "No it's okay. We're good friends. We are uh... well we are planning a trip. He's never been to The Wizarding World in Orlando. So..."

You feel your face start to burn as the three of them give you knowing looks, JJ included.

"But you like him right?" Penelope pipes up.

Your eyes go wide and you know you've turned completely red. "I don't uhhm...well I don't..."

You bury your face in your hands, gripping at your hair. You finally breath the words out. "I don't know." It's the closest you've come to acknowledging that there might be something between the two of you.

"Well, I will say this, he's a wonderful guy. And the two of you seem to really enjoy your time together. Now if you don't feel that way, that's fine too. There's no pressure."

How is it that Aunt JJ can always put you completely at ease. You look up at her with a nervous smile.

The other two chime in "Yeah no pressure!" "We're just being nosy!"

Penelope whispers a little to loudly to Emily "They'd be really cute together though..."

"I know right!" Emily grins.

You can't help but giggle, a smile breaking through on your face. It wasn't the worst idea.

"I wanted to kiss him the other day, I think."

That got their attention. They've now gathered around you, prodding for more information.

Penelope insisting you tell the whole story of what happened. You recount how he showed up at your door, calling you pretty when you felt you looked your worst. You explained how the two of you had laid closer for the movie, how having your head on his shoulder made your heart race.

"So, when are you going to tell him?" JJ asks.

"Oh! Oh no...I couldn't. I can't! There's no way he would ever..."

Emily cuts you off. "Yes there is way he would ever." She laughs, rolling her eyes. "You're gorgeous and kind and funny. Based on the way he looks at you, it's a pretty sure bet he knows all of that to be true."

"The way he l-looks at me?" You falter at the thought. You'd never noticed anything.

"Oh my gosh yes!" Penelope squeals. "He looks at you like you're the best thing he's ever seen, like he'd do anything for you. It's straight out of a romance novel."

You feel your face turning red again, as you swallow the growing lump in your throat. The thought of talking to Spencer about any of this really does a number on your anxiety.

"We'll see. I'll just...well maybe he'll say something."

"Have you met Spencer?" Emily jests giving you a look that says that's a stretch.

You just laugh it off. Now that you think about it, you've been growing feelings for him for weeks now. You'd even admit to feeling something at Rossi's dinner party. But you were just now coming to terms with this. You've barely processed it yourself. You're definitely not ready to dump it all on Spencer.

Attention slowly turns back to the movie as the other three continue sipping on their wine, chatting about what a great match Kat and Patrick make. But your thoughts are anywhere but the movie. You find yourself imaging what it would be like to date Spencer. He's already such a wonderful friend,

you can't help but wonder how he would act in the role of boyfriend. You wonder what it would be like to kiss him. He's probably so shy and timid, knowing Spencer. He's such a sweetheart. The thought has you smiling to yourself.

The other three ladies notice your attention is elsewhere as the see the look on your face. They all exchange knowing looks and smiles.

————————————————————

Spencer POV:

Since the girls were having a night together, Morgan insisted we do something as well. Somehow we landed on the gym, which I certainly did not vote for. Hotch and Rossi both had plans so it's just me and Morgan. After dragging me to several different machines, he finally lets us take a water break.

"You're getting better at keeping up pretty boy. I remember when you first started and you couldn't make it through more than 5 minutes," he laughs.

I roll my eyes but decide to take it as a compliment.

"You gotta keep in shape for the ladies am I right? Or should I say lady?" He wiggles his eyebrows at me a huge grin on his face.

"I don't know what you're taking about." I look at the wall in front of me as I sit to do some stretches, avoiding his gaze at all cost.

"Oh c'mon don't play dumb with me man. I've seen the way you look at Y/N. And don't you two spend all your free time together?"

"Morgan, no! We're just friends!"

"Oh okay. You're telling me, you've honestly never thought about dating her?"

I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. He's not wrong. I sit there for a minute, thinking about all the times the thought had crossed my mind. I remember the butterflies I felt when we were sitting in the coffee shop together. I think about all the movie nights where I had to stop myself from grabbing her hand. Then there was the night at the bar, when it was all I could do not to lean in and kiss her as she danced with me. I must look completely lost in a day dream because Morgan sees the look on my face before responding.

"Yeah that's what I thought pretty boy."

I jump back up and make my way over to the weights, which I usually do my best to avoid. Weights are more of Morgan's arena. I put all my frustrations about not understanding my own feelings into every rep. Morgan walks over to spot me, hell bent on continuing the conversation.

"So how are you going to ask her out?"

I set the weights down, wiping the sweat off my head with a towel and running my fingers through my hair.

"You think I should ask her out?" My voices raises a few pitches, out of nervousness.

"Heck yeah! She'd be crazy to say no to a great guy like you!"

I roll my eyes, giving him a quick shove as I can't help but laugh. Derek may pick on me a lot, but he always has my back. His confidence in me boosts my own confidence a bit.

"I don't want to mess things up. She's my best friend..."

He sits down beside me, taking a serious tone.

"You two have gotten pretty close. If the two of you are as tight knit as you seem, I wouldn't worry about that. Either she'll say no and you'll both let it go, continuing a great friendship..."

"Or?" I question, worry covering my face.

"Or she'll say yes and the two of you will have a wonderful wedding."

And Morgan is back at it again. I roll my eyes at him as I stand to head to the locker room. But as I walk away, I can't stop smiling.

I decide to bounce some ideas off of him, about what I could do for a first date. I don't want to just do dinner and a movie. I want it to be special and unique just like her. After we throw out a couple ideas Morgan finally asks "Well why don't you use something the two of you have done or talked about? Or maybe something she told you about herself? When did you first start having feelings for her? That could be a good place to start."

I think back to when she joined me for phantasmagoria and we spent the evening in the coffee shop/music store. She told me how wrapped up her feelings were in music. An idea starts to blossom and I quickly tell Morgan, hoping to work through all the details. It has to be perfect. If it works out like I plan, I can ask her out and have our first date all at once. I want to show her how much I care, and I can't think of a better way to do it.

#criminal minds #dr spencer reid #original story #spencer x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer #spencerreid #spencer reid #someone to stay #lost in a daydream #Spotify

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