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#Trigger Warning: Whitewashing

gaypyro · 6 months

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Rating the New Champions Variant Covers

So marvel recently revealed a bunch of Varient Covers of "What if every hero had a sidekick/youth counterpart" and while I love most of the designs, some definately are better then others

#22

I hate the Vision Design and I dont know why. Something just feels fundamentally off about it/ Maybe its the fact its a pitch white, skintight 8 year old? Maybe its the posing? The Debris? IDK Man is feels weird.

#21

and

#20

These two get paired together for a single reason

It's just Billy and Teddy. I love Billy and Teddy, their some of the only actual Gay Men in Marvel, but come one guys. Certainly you can do a young Dr. Strange and Young Hulk thats different? Strange goes higher if only because I like the art more, the Young Hulk I just dislike entirely

#19

Speaking of uninspired, the only reason Miles is above Billy & Teddy is that at least shes a different gender then her mainline counterpart. Other then that its probably the laziest design here. Also, you may notice the webbing seems off, that will be a recurring trend here where limbs or background elements were layered improperly or something.

#18

I actually really like this character design. It looks like a fun character in a superhero elementry school spin-off book. The only issue um... thats Storm. Its the next gen Storm and she's white. That's basically my only issue, and why shes above the 3 I actively somewhat dislike designwise, but... Storm is one the premiere Black Superheros. Having her next gen counterpart be white feels so weird. I

#17

On one hand, I can 100% see normal Deadpool wearing this. On the other, the My Boy adds way to much charm for me to rate it with the other uninspired ones, and at least I dont feel like its whitewashing anything. We are at the point where I'd unironically love to see any of these designs in a book, even if its an Elseworld instead of main universe one.

#16

Teen Female Wolverine has been done to death, but I do like how this one goes for a more monstrous Angle compared to Laura and Gabby. The tattered, beast up costumes, beastial feet, large Ponytail giving off the deelling of a mane, nasty looking teeth, and BONE CLAWS very much makes it feel more like a feral forest mutant then the more clean, assassin design Laura had.

#15

The big thing I like here is it isn't a reimagining of Carol Danvers current, captain marvel outfit, but her Miss Marvel ones. We already have Kamala for a new gen version of Carols current design, so a reimigining of the old one, in a way that doesn't feel super fetishy is nice. First I thought it was a dude, but it might be a girl? Unsure.

#14

I really love this design, but it doesn't really scream Black Panther... and I honestly dont care. I love bright colors, makes my brain go byr, and the fact she has a completely different powerset most likely intrigues me.

#13

I have a weakness for fishpeople of all types ok? I find the designs naturally appealing. Even still, Starlord's Chibi Starfish Successor is neat, but not amazing. The ideas done a lot better later on.

#12

He looks like he is having so much fun with his Mentor. I also like how, unlike everyone else, Black Cat's Apprentice is kinda chubby. I don't know man he just seems like he'd be a fun guy to hang out with at college.

#11

Whats better then a succesor to one hero? a Succesor to TWO HEROES! The Captain America Succesor I feel very much has some elements of Wasp design, and I always am down for High Tech Wingspans even if they weren't intentionally going for it.

#10

Instead of being the Scarlet witch they made her the Magenta Witch. All in all I just really like the sorta sorceror design, especially the chosen color scheme. Also ghostly mystical fire is fun you should follow it into the swamp.

Listen I love this design. Its in the top 10 for a reason but man... that arm. Every time I see the image I cant help but notice how insanely small his arm is, like he was supposed to have both arms resting but they decided "Have him twirl a stake so people know its blade."

Moon Squire is here to kick ass and pass third grade math! I just like the Cowl mixed with baseball cap design lol. Moon Knight always fucking kills it with the drip though so im not surprised.

A Friend told me It's Gwen Tennyson cosplaying Magneto and now I cant not see it. I do like that shes implied to have a different powerset then Eric as well, always fun when they did that.

The better Chibi Venom. Only missed the top 5 since I dont think he'd be able to carry a book as the main protag, he is the perfect sidekick though. Just this mildly creepy cutie pootie handing with the fairly creepy Symbiote. After Extreme Venomverse shouldn't be surprised the Venom varient is amazing, but I am suprised thats the direction they went.

If Next Gen Storm and Next Gen Moon Knight are in the Elementary School book, Wee-Hulk is the main god damn character. She's just a very fun little kid hulk, I especially love how shes doing the Iconic "She-Hulk holds a Car Above her head" pose with an electric scooter.

Listen, Non-Binery Latin America Iron Man with the Criminally Underused Grey Armor design is great. They gpt Green Hair, Pronouns, and the backing of Americas #1 Arms Dealer, ready to take on the world!

The Thing has become one of them Yancy Street Kids, and the Fantastic Four are his gang. I just love the design, Spiky Rock person is always a favorite of mine.

Miku Ghost Rider. On Roller Skates. With a fucking Hellfire Flail. I am imagining she has an entire like, Magical Girl Transformation Sequence whenever she transforms, just with a lot more demons and fire then normal.

Listen, I get it. Legs dont bend like that. She is objectively less creative then the last 3 or 4. But, I like Crows. I like Ravens. I like Thor. And this Thor looks like she wont take any of Odins BS when he goes shit dad mode.

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bookishfeylin · 2 years

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May I just say, you're so sweet and respectful and kind and your words have made me feel a lot less alone in all this. Thank you for giving me the space to vent and discuss all these whitewashing issues and taking the time out of your day to respond. It's truly appreciated

Awwww thank you! You are very welcome anon. I'm Black, and this is my blog, so I'm not going to not talk about my lived experiences and how things like representation, whitewashing, and racism in both media and fandom affect me and others. We deserve a space to talk about these things, and I'm glad you feel comfortable doing so here :) You certainly aren't alone.

#ask #anon #bookish rambles #although I love book one and Feylin #if someone had warned me about the racism and abuse apologism and bad writing #plaguing Sarah's books I probably wouldn't have read them. As it is #I *did* read them #and although I like book 1 I don't want anyone to have any misconceptions about the kind of nonsense Sarah has written.#So I'm trying to spread awareness and give other people a heads up before they read these books #especially because I know that these issues can be triggering to some people.#and doing that involves touching on and dissecting a lot of the deeper issues such as whitewashing and a lack of representation #that plague sarah's books and fandom alike

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aphroditesmoon · 4 months

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you go back to the old house, but you've been locked out

jacaerys velaryon/strong x fem!reader (modern!au)

summary: when your boyfriend finds out that you have never celebrated christmas before, he invites you to have your first with his family.

warnings: *do not read if you have any of the triggers* artist!reader, poc coded reader, depictions of mental illnesses, domestic abuse, physical abuse, mentions of suicide attempts, mentions of ED, mostly fluff, NSFW (SMUT! MINORS DNI!!), blackcat!reader and goldenretriever!jace, only rhaenyra's children with harwin exists in this au, title and fic inspired by There must be more than blood by Car Seat Headrest.

wc: 17.4K

a/n: this is for my babies who think they're unlovable of some sort, you are not too much or not enough, and you are completely lovable and you will find the rght kind of love for you one day.

When you first told Jacaerys that you have never actually celebrated Christmas before, you didn't think it would pull out such an intense reaction.

You've been dating him for about 4 months now, the two of you agreed to take things slow under your request, but by this point, you both have grown comfortable enough around each other to move forwards past the small talk stage.

And it is in these moments that you genuinely wonder if all the new small details and information about yourself that you had initially held from him before would cause any issues within the relationship. For example, the fact that you've never celebrated Christmas, or how you have an antipathy for your birthday and double dates. You also don't believe in celebrating annual anniversaries.

In the second month of your relationship with Jace, you discovered how important anniversaries were to him and it was an honestly amusing idea to you. But after you noticed how disappointed he was to find out that you didn't care for the special day, you decided to let his predilection for it prevail.

Plus it was just like having an extra special date every month that you didn't have to pay for, what's the harm in that?

Upon finding out that Christmas was a foreign concept to you, he asks you if it was a religion thing at first. You weren't particularly religious, nor are you against it in any way, then he asked you if it had anything to do with the whitewashing of Jesus Christ. You laughed until you realized he was serious.

"No, it's nothing to do with the whitewashing of Jesus of Nazareth." He raised a brow in suspicion. "Are you sure? Cause if it is then I fully support you." You smiled and him and shook your head in assurance. "I've just never celebrated it for some reason."

"But why?" He asked again, pushing for a good answer. Jace loved christmas, that one was easy to tell. You're just not sure if it's because he had strong family values and loved spending time with his family or because he really loved gifts and knew that he'd get good ones every year thanks to the fact that he is rich.

"My family never celebrated christmas, so I never did." You answered decisively. "Are they superstitious or something?" You replied no. "I guess my parents just didn't see what good it can do besides making a waste of money." Your financial situation was a touchy topic, you could see him leaving it at that, ending the interrogation. "So what'll you do on this 30th?" He asks instead.

"What I always do, stay at my apartment, maybe go on a shopping trip with all the Christmas discounts." His eyes widen in horror as if you've just told him that you had killed a man. "You're spending Christmas alone?" You could laugh at his worry if you didn't think that it would hurt his feelings. "Well, my roommate is flying back to her hometown."

"So, why don't you fly back home too? It's not just christmas, the semester break is over 2 weeks." You shrugged and went over some excuses in your head before settling for one. "Believe me, they'd rather I stay here and focus on my studies. There'd be no point anyway, since you know, I don't celebrate Christmas." His lips thinned as he analyzes you in the most obvious way possible, making you groan internally in your head.

Jace was a problem solver. You learned that very quick into your relationship.

He always tries to make the best out of every condition he's put into. And you can tell how much the idea of you being alone for two weeks bugged him. "Two weeks flies faster than you'll realize, I'm telling you Jace, I'm used to this." Oh that wouldn't cut it for him. "What if you came home with me?"

You blinked at him in confusion, his words registering very slowly. "No." You say the first thing you thought of.

His mouth makes an O shape in offense. "Why not?" You rolled your eyes. "You ask that question a lot." "If you answer me for real this time, I won't ask you that again for at least 5 days." You fought back a smile. "Fine. Because it's weird." He frowned. "No it's not, why would it be?"

"Because I've never met your family before, Jace." He shrugged in a careless manner. "Well, there's no time more perfect than Christmas."

Everything is so easy with you, you thought to yourself. Sometimes you wondered if he has ever been caught up in the anxiety of things possibly not going his way for at least once in his life. You weren't bitter, it's genuine curiosity. Jacaerys looked like the type of person who has never been afraid to take a chance with new and risky opportunities. One of them being you. He is either very lucky or very positive. Which in the case of him being incredibly privileged, both.

You took a deep breath before settling your back against the plush of the cushion of your hallway. He understood the indescribable look you gave him and leaned in to place his hands on your shoulder.

"My mom has wanted to see you for ages, there's nothing to be nervous about, I swear." You cocked your head at him. "You've already told your mom about me?" He grinned. "Yeah, she thinks you're pretty. "

Your eyes widened. "You showed her my picture?" He nodded. Oh well, this was inevitable, you told yourself. Really, can you even blame him? Every course of action he has taken so far has only proved himself to be as good as you figured he was from the moment you two met each other. Well at least his mom thinks I'm pretty.

It wasn't that you hated people or disliked socializing so much, moreso that it was just state of normalcy for you. You have friends of course, and you talk to other people, but up until you met Jace, all the other people in your life have always been viewed as a convenience. Association by luck and not exactly a friendship grounded by any sort of deep connection or intimacy.

You gave up trying to pursue or look for that kind of relationship a long time ago. And just when you expected it the least, Jacaerys came into your life and somehow managed to become an intregal part of it. 4 months later, you wonder if it's too early for you to confess that you're unable to really remember your life before him.

You let out a sigh, letting him pull you closer. "Is it not too fast? If this is because you don't like me staying alone, I swear I'm used to it." He didn't say anything at first and only embraced you with his chin resting over your head.

He was either thinking deeply about whatever you just said or he's waiting for you to give in. "2 weeks is a long time, I wouldn't even want to be around my family for 2 weeks." You say, trying to get him to relent.

"We leave on the second week of the break then. We could stay here for the first." It wasn't a bad suggestion, and you know it's not fair to him for you to be holding up all the cards. He deserves to have a say in certain things, and one week with his family sounded like a good compromise.

"I'll think about it." You told him at last. And by the look of his face, he knows he has won. He lowers his head down to kiss you, and you welcome it with ardor.

—

You first met Jacaerys 6 months ago at a frat party. Your project partner Cregan had invited you over, even knowing that oarties were never really your thing. But you were having a bad day and thought, why not?

On your way to the bathroom, you bumped into him. The two of you walked in opposite ways right onto each other. He apologized profusely and had taken your abrasive wave off hand as you made your way to the bathroom as a sign that you were offended. So he waited until you were done peeing so he could apologize again.

You were 5 drinks in dazed and confused, not exactly drunk but not really sober. You figured he probably wanted to hook up because who the hell apologizes this much for bumping into someone. So you glared at him and told him to fuck off.

You never saw him again for the rest of the party. But about 30 minutes later, you decided you were done with the badly remixed disco music and alcohol that tastes like fruit punch and wanted to return to your apartment. You weren't staying in dorms since you managed to rent a place nearby with another girl who was studying at the university too. And although it was much further from campus compared to the dorms, it was considered a walking distance.

How lucky you were that he ended up driving by the road you took walking home. You were prepared to flip him off when he turned his window down, asking if you needed a ride. But once you slowed down to actually look at him, you noticed a certain kind of sincerity in his eyes and gave in.

It wasn't often that you get to meet people who were kind for the sake of being kind. Most people are leeches. But not him.

Neither of you said anything throughout the whole ride except when you thanked him before getting off the car. You didn't think you'd ever see him again after that night. But like fated ropes intertwining, he was the first person you saw in your lecture the next day.

He waved at you from the back seat. You stared at him with squinting eyes to make sure it was the right person before you went back to ignoring him. He ended up moving his seat to the front more and more everytime the two of you had the class again, until 2 weeks in, he finally seated himself next to you. "Are you always this persistently annoying?" You had asked him then. "Only with the ones I like" It was stupid, and cliche and most disgustingly, cute.

And so with every encounter, you began to let your guard down and allow the relationship to naturally take it's own course. 2 months later, you officially started dating one of the most fawned over boys on campus.

Its 6.30am on a Sunday as you jog through the quiet streets behind your apartment building. You wiped the sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand, the heat turning your face red. 30 minutes from now, the roads will begin to flood with people walking to work or going on their own daily run. You know this because you've lived here for 3 years now.

When you decided to study at King's Landing University knowing it'll cost an expensive 3 hour flight for every time you'd want to go back home, it was an obvious decision both to yourself and to your family that you weren't really planning on coming back at all.

For all of 3 years you've been studying here, you had only flown back twice. And neither of those times felt worth the money you paid them for.

If this house suffocates you so badly, we'll see how far you'll survive out there all alone. Your mother had said to you 3 days before you went to college for your first year.

You had proved her wrong with your resilience, but at what cost? Your younger sister doesn't remember how you look like, and your older brother still takes every opportunity presented to him to try and belittle you every time the two of you meet.

Your father was ignorant, uncaring. And your mother? She loves you so much, with every bitter insult she throws your way and every provocation she purposely does just to get a reaction.

When you were 13 years old, she had told you to swing yourself off the highest building in response to you accidentally breaking her favourite plate. And at 16, she found herself crying by your bedside after your failed overdose attempt. At 18, she had spat on your face and announced that for as long as she lived, you would never know a life free of guilt and pain without her blessing as a mother.

At 19, The two of you hugged each other for the last time forever before you decided to never look back at that old haunted house.

You slowed down the pace of your jog, interchanging it with casual walking as you take in the sight of the rising sun. How many times have you walked these dewy streets that smelled like trees and dried rain? Too many to count. And yet, as much as you had tried to make a home out of this place, the isolating feeling that surrounded you daily was persistent.

It was the tiny voice in the back of your head saying, don't forget, these people aren't your people, and the face you put on every day that you're here isn't your own.

Loneliness was a kind of misery, but the hollow reassurance and comfort that came with proving yourself right every time a friend leaves you, or a man you thought was interested in you doesn't stay for the night, seemed to be the only constant thing in your life. That was until you met Jacaerys, of course.

You pause the music being played through your earphones, stretching your neck right after and deciding that you're ready to go home.

The flight to Dragonstone was in 3 days and you haven't really began packing. How much stuff did you need for a one week trip anyways? It was one of those moments that made you too anxious to do anything which ends up making you feel even more anxious because you haven't done anything. You do a turnaround and start walking back to your place as you reshuffle your morning playlist. A text from Jace pops up as your phone dings;

J: want 2 get breakfast in 20?

You swiped your phone open as you keep walking on a medium pace, replying with a quick OK.

It was a routine the two of you have build for over 2 months now, you'll do your 40 minutes morning jog and he'll be outside your building just in time for you to be done with your shower, eager to get some breakfast.

You're grateful for his company, it had become something you looked forward for daily. And for someone who has went through a fair share of disappointments, you really hope that this one would work out.

Anxiety plagued your thoughts as you rethink the idea of meeting his family for Christmas, what if they all thought you looked different than your photos? What if you say the wrong things or make the wrong joke and they think you're indecent? What if you say nothing and they all think you're boring?

The walk back home tired you enough to forget about those questions momentarily, but being given enough time to overthink once you reached your apartment and jumped into the shower, you figured you'd talk this out with Jace later.

He would probably just end up saying something sweet and useless like 'don't worry, just be yourself', but it's better than nothing.

The mirror becomes your worst enemy this morning, Fill in The Blank is playing from your phone as you stare at your dead eyes and immortalized eyebags. The only thing staring back at you is a reflection of a tired child. To grow up in a constant state of pain and to still be scared and hurting even after the war has ended was an everyday battle.

Because in your head, and even when you're sleeping, the war replays itself until you're worn out from it. You constantly remind yourself that you are now free, but sometimes the memory of it feels so alive that you end up making a prison of yourself despite the falseness of the alarm going off in your head.

Slipping a black t-shirt over your head while you make an estimation of how long it would take Jace to get here, you also let your mind stray for a bit, wondering if it all would've been easier if you were someone else. If Jace had dated someone else.

Maybe, maybe not. It didn't matter, because in the end you were still you, and you've only got yourself to work with.

You were drying your hair when you received another text from Jace saying taht he had arrived. Turning off the hair dryer, you sent a quick text back telling him that you were still getting ready and that the extra key was under the mat outside your door.

You could hear the front door click open 5 minutes later as you're finally done getting ready.

Exiting your room, you found him waiting by the kitchen, helping himself on some oreos that you just bought yesterday.

"I hope you're planning on paying me back for those cookies." You joked from the hall as you pulled out your hoodie from the coat hanger, slinging it over your shoulder. "I'll be paying you with my wonderful presence." He retorted back.

Once you found your purse, the two of you finally left the house to get some real food. After a few rounds of suggestions, you opted for a nearby cafe for some pancakes, though Jace ended up ordering some waffles instead.

The whole place was very secluded and smaller compared to the other cafes and diners in the area, but the meals were good and they were cheaper than the others too. You felt beyond lucky when you realized that it was just you both there in this hour. There were two other girls seated from the opposite of your table, but it was quiet enough to your liking.

"Are you done packing?" Jace asked expectedly. He was increasingly thrilled at the prospect of celebrating Christmas together with his family and his girlfriend. You shook your head no whilst you slurp up your strawberry milkshake.

"I'll start packing this evening." "Don't forget to bring a charger, and socks, because it'll probably be cold by the time we get there- oh, also you need a winter coat, and no slippers, only boots, do you want me to make you a list?" You smiled at him in amusement and answered no.

"I already made a list, I know what to bring, don't worry." He was worried, or maybe that's not the right word. No, he was excitable. "What about your parents?" He asks suddenly, causing you to pause in surprise. "What about my parents?"

He shrugged and inched closer to the table. "Have you told them you're coming with me for the semester break?" You relaxed your face, shrugging off the shocked expression you initially wore. "I don't think it's necessary, even if I wasn't going with you, I still wouldn't be going home either."

"Oh, okay." The silence was ineffable. You could hear a silent question that he didn't dare ask; why?

Your family was a rarely spoken topic in your relationship with him. It was easy to not overthink it at first, but you knew that Jace had noticed how you try your best to never bring them up.

"Plus-" you felt the necessity to add, "-they would probably be against the idea if I did tell them about it." He shares a look of curiosity, expecting you to elaborate. "My parents are kind of a strict." You chose to say. "So, they don't know that we're dating?" You shook your head. "They sound protective of you." He says it so confidently that it made you laugh dryly.

A bitter smile was painted over your face as you kept your eyes on the food. "Controlling, would be a more fitting term."

When you finally looked up to meet his gaze, you could tell there was more he wanted to ask, or comment on, but you weren't in the mood to start explaining your lore to him. Thinking about your family made you nauseous, and you really wanted to eat the pancakes without throwing up. "Believe me, its better this way." You concluded, making sure he won't have room to continue.

"Anyways, aren't you the one who should be briefing me about your family." Jacaerys grinned and seemingly forgot about your earlier conversation immediately. "There's not really much to say, you know my brothers Luc and Joffrey? They're pretty young, little rascals but harmless most of the time." You nodded earnestly, encouraging him to go on.

"My mom and dad are excited to meet you, you have nothing to worry about, I'm honestly more scared that they'll end up preferring you than me."

You snorted at that. "Ah yes, I do have a reputation with old people. Do you think it's my beautiful face?" He pretends to think for a moment before responding, "Well it can't be your charming personality." A laugh burst out of you at his words, causing you to receive a glare from the girls from the other table. You gasped out suddenly, remembering a small detail you've never discussed before. "I should bring gifts right?" A look of realization passes over Jace's face at the same time.

"I mean it's Christmas, I've never done it before, but I know presents are a thing."

Jace was quick to interject, telling you it's no need. "They wouldn't care, our tradition is all about spending time together, presents are just courtesy." He explained.

"Yes well, I should get them gifts as a courtesy then." He opens his mouth to argue but you shut him down immediately before he could. "I won't get anything crazy, it's just courtesy like you said." A lot of people might perceive you as nonchalant and uncaring, but the truth was you've always been the person who cares too much until it backfires.And as much as you wished you weren't so desperate to make a good first impression, you do want to, deep in your heart you knew that.

"Okay, fine, if you want to. But you can just get them some keychain or mugs, especially for my brothers, they're already being spoiled enough." You smile gratefully for his cooperation and agree on his terms.

—

One of your favorite terms in the world is the term "white lie." Any lie is excusable if you call it a white lie. It was a form of manipulation that you were used to being given. At first, you implemented it in your life as a way to please other people. A way to become more likeable and less of a burden.

You spent your whole teenage life trying to earn bits and pieces of your mother's love.

No, I'm not mad that you didn't get it for me and only bought one for my brother. Yes, it is my fault that I'm too sensitive and defensive every time we argue. No, I can't remember the last time you ever hit me. Not even the one time from last week when you pulled me by my hair, dragging me to the bathroom and used the water hose on me.

The truth soon became the most dangerous thing in your life. Candor wasn't appreciated in your home. You must watch your mouth and accept what you are given gratefully.

The cycle lasted for years until you turned 16. You had grown strong enough to push her back every time she tried to land a hit on you. Strong enough to know what to say to make it hurt for her too.

The white lies soon turned into a form of protection. No, I wasn't smoking weed under the bleachers after school hours just because it felt safer there than it does in my room. No, I don't know why I'm being written down for failing several subjects consecutively for the whole year, I thought I was doing just fine. No, I know you're doing all of this because you love me.

No, I don't think I can book a flight home for 5 days. I just got a new job, there's too much shit to do.

You stare down at your phone, the unread text stared back at your face.

M: I don't blame you for not wanting to come home, but if you want to, you can.

The only message you've gotten for her for the whole year. Her ego wouldn't force her to plead for her only daughter to come back. So she plays saint and paints you as the girl who grew up too fast and forgot all about home.

I love you, mom. You wanted to say. Love wouldn't be enough.

When was the last time she ever said that she loved you? You can never recall. It definitely wasn't the day before you went to college. No, the night before was spent holding you from behind as the two of you slept in your childhood bed. She had her face in the crook of your neck and you heard her whisper when she thought you were asleep; you were my mirror, and I'm sorry I broke you into pieces just so it'd match my cracks.

She laid with you for a few more minutes before getting up to leave. You cried until dawn and never got a wink of sleep right after.

You expected the newfound freedom to feel exhilarating, but instead, you felt more out of place during the first week at the university than you did at home. It was comical, ironic, how the only pair of hands you wanted to comfort you were the same ones that had beaten bruises on your skin. I miss you, you almost texted her.

Was it still considered a white lie or a form of manipulation if the only person you wanted to trick was yourself? No, I'm not upset that she never called or texted to ask if I've safely landed. No, I never wonder if she regrets everything she's done to me. No, I don't hate her so much sometimes that it could be translated as a child throwing a tantrum just to get their parents to pay attention to her. No, I don't like having one night stands just to know what it's like to be touched without being inflicted with pain.

No, I never wake up from dreams of you loving me the same way you loved your son and consider it a nightmare instead.

But of all times you've dreamt of her, this time you woke up from it with the only person you wanted comfort from, still sleeping next to you. And for the first time since you could remember, it was not your mother.

Your eyes remained on your phone screen, hung up on every word of the message. Glancing once at your boyfriend, you turn back to your phone to switch it off before you move to lay back under the covers.

---

It was 8 days before Christmas. Watching snow fall from the sky was somehow more magical than getting to sit on a first class plane for the first time

You tried to take pictures from above, but the snow didn't look as clear and visible through the phone as it did from your eyes.

You're hands are fully gloved, with your little bunny designed ear muffs that Jace bought for you a few days ago.

"I feel like that thing from Big Hero 6." You told him before leaving. "His name is Baymax, put some respect on it." Was his response before he pinched your cheeks with both hands.

4 hours later, the two of you are strapped in comfortable seats, the cold getting stronger, and you're both grateful for the winter jackets you had on.

"It's so beautiful." You spoke, looking out from the small window. "Yeah, beautiful." When you twisted your neck to look at him, he was already staring at you. "What?" You asked. He shrugged, face blank. "Nothing."

Neither of you broke eye contact. Your frown deepens as you try to figure out what has trying to tell you. He blinked. You were gonna ask what again until it hit you. "Jace, no."

"I didn't even say anything." He whined, defending himself. "We're not having sex on a plane." "See, I didn't even have to say it, you were just thinking the same thing." You fought the urge to roll your eyes, cocking your head to the side, baffled at his suggestion.

"Do you know how many germs there are on this plane?" He shrugged again. "It's first class." You throw your hands up in frustration. "It's times like these that I remember you're a jock." He should've been offended, but he was still confused about what you mean.

"This place is full of germs, it's not even advisable to wash your face or do skin care on a plane because that's how dirty the air is." You patiently explained, watching him get more confused. "But we're not doing skincare, we're doing each other." You turned away, groaning loudly with your eyes closed.

"You're so boring." He complained like a child. "I'm also gonna snitch on your mom if you don't get your shit together." He snorted at that, pulling out his headphones out of his small slingbag. "She won't believe you, I'm her baby." "Yeah, you are a baby."

His head snapped at you immediately, before he could come up with a smart response that probably would have to do something to do with his penis, You pushed his head back to the other side, patting his cheeks like you would a toddler and quickly put on your headphones.

He turned around again and said something, but at that point you already turned up the volume. "Sorry, I can't hear you baby." He stuck his tongue out in annoyance. You thought you heard him mutter 'baymax looking ass' but didn't react as you didn't want him to think he won.

The flight was 2 and a half hours long. You were sure you could stay awake for that amount of time, but once the flight attendant brought out the heated blanket, the both of you were down in 5 minutes.

The pilot said something through the comm that you were too sleepy to hear once the plane had finally reached the destination. You wiped your eyes with the back of your fists groggily and began shaking Jace to wake up while yawning.

The first nudge did nothing, you started tapping him on the shoulder, which by the 6th tap, you finally got a response; "5 more minutes please."

Only when you leaned closer into his ears and blew air into it does he jolt up, eyes wincing. "That tickles." He murmured, wiping his hand over his tired face. "We're about to land." You informed him, taking your headphones off and passing it to him to keep in his bag. "Okay."

You were honestly eager to get your cramped ass out of the plane, but as you refresh yourself with bottled water, the realization dawned upon you. His mother, or father, would be waiting at the airport.

The comm dinged again as the pilot announced landing. The flight attendants were all quick to get to their seat once a loud zooming noise startled everyone. "There we go." You mumbled under your breath.

He helped you up once you were able to take the seat belt off. Jace slings his bag over his shoulder and uses his right hand to carry your extra duffle bag, his left hand intertwined with yours, helping you descend down the stairs before him.

"Let me hold it." You offered, but he shook his head no. "If my mom or dad saw me making you carry anything they'll strangle me." He sounded serious so you let him penguin walk with your hands still holding his, making your way over the baggage section.

"Are you excited." He asks, wiggling his eyebrows at you. "Over the moon." You answered with a tight smile. If he noticed the sarcasm, he didn't comment on it. "Good, I promise this will be your best Christmas yet." He sounded so convincing that it made you smile against your will.

"It's literally my first Christmas, so I don't think there'll be any competition yet, Jace." "Exactly." You laughed quietly, letting him take the lead as you walked through the crowded space of the airport. Once you got on the elevator, you were going to ask him if he could see his parents from here, but he cut you to it by shouting loudly and waving both your hands up in the air. "We're here!"

Jesus fuck, you thought. If you were anywhere else, you would've immediately pulled his arm down, what with everyone around you glaring at him. But his parents were watching, and you saw his parents wave back excitedly, thankfully neither were yelling back.

The first observation you make as you begin to near them was how much he looked like his father. His mother looked exquisitely different than him. She was beautiful, with platinum blonde hair tied in a bun, her eyes smiled every time her lips did. You found yourself with a small smile, beaming at their joy as his mother started walking towards you both. I don't think I've ever seen anyone's parents this happy to have their child back home.

"Finally." You hear his mother sigh out as she pulls Jacaerys in a hug. She was quick to pull away so she could get a good look at his face. "Look at you, exactly the same." He rolls his eyes. "It's been like 6 months." She ignored his wit and pushed him aside to take you in. You didn't have the time to extend a hand as she pulls you in an embrace too. You yelped at first but hugged her back easily and smiled at her.

"So this is the sweetheart Jace has been keeping from me?" She joked, holding the side of your face with her palms. "I think I should be the one saying that." You didn't know why you said that, but it made her laugh heartily, only after you said it did you realize that it sounded like you were flirting with your boyfriend's mom.

From the corner of your eyes you could see Jace walking over to you with his father. "Have you eaten yet? You must be famished."

L That's another thing you noticed about his family. They use words like famished. The way his mother spoke sounded regal, you could even say royalty.

"Oh it's fine, I've already had some cheesecake on the plane." Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, seeing that her frown deepens. "Oh, that's barely lunch, and it's almost tea time too."

You thought tea time was a myth honestly, something British people made up to sound funny, like the monarchy. As far as you can remember, you grew up only eating one full meal a day at home. Your mother would buy you nothing else and asked if you were really that hungry, you'd assert another white lie and tell her that you really can't eat too much anyways and that your appetite is small.

As you grew older, your appetite did grow smaller, but it ended up making you feel guilty every time you wanted to eat more than once a day, as you would feel like you don't deserve it.

"It's fine, we've cooked up a nice meal back home, once you get yourself cleaned up, we can all eat together." She was incredibly soft spoken, and she looked at you in a very motherly manner. Your thank you was cut off as you hear her husband called out. "Rhaenyra-'' he appears by her side, smiling widely at you, his features remarkably similar to his son. "There you are, the prettiest girl he's ever seen, eh?" He winked at Jace, making him stutter, turning red. "Dad please-" He ignores him just like Rhaenyra did before.

"Well how do you do?" You shook hands with his father, introducing yourself. At least this time you didn't say anything that sounds like you're trying to seduce Jace's father.

Once the formalities was over, his father helped pick up the baggage that finally arrived, they have a large range rover, more than enough to fit 2 weeks worth of clothes. Jace was going to sit in the back with you, but his mother wacked him in the head and told him to sit up front. "You can't bring your girlfriend over and then hoggle her for yourself." She warned him as climbed up the back seat after you.

You're not sure if the reason you're absolutely terrified to look at Rhaenyra was because she doesn't look like a mother of 3 or because you wanted to impress her. But you tried your best to appear calm as her husband started driving. “Have you eaten anything yet sweetheart?” He asks from the front, equally as sweet as his wife.

“Uh, I had a cheesecake-” “Oh a cheesecake? For the whole day? That's not good, Jace, why didn't you buy her anything.” He scolded his son.

“She didn't want anything else-” “That can't be true, you little pig, you can't eat so much and then starve your girlfriend!”

“I'm really fine.” Your assurance wasn't acknowledged as his mother joined in. “That's right, you're lucky we cooked something up.” “She had a cheesecake-” Jace attempts to defend himself, which only made his father snort. “You know how plane foods are, they’re tiny!” You nodded in agreement, quietly whispering, “Yeah they are.” Which earned you a glare from Jace. He did try to get you to eat more, but like he said, you weren't interested. “Already teaming up against me.” He mumbled in annoyance.

The whole car ride home was peaceful. They continued to make small talk with you, asking if you've ever went skiing before, apparently it's something they did every Christmas. “Don't worry, it's quite easy, Jace could teach you when we go together.” Rhaenyra said to you later.

“Does your parents know you're here? We don't want to steal you away from them for your sem break.” Rhaenyra asked apologetically. Why did everyone care so much about whether your parents knew or not? “Oh yeah, they don't mind.” The lie came on so naturally that you forgotten about Jace being told the opposite. He snuck a glance at you but it was too quick that you didn't manage to catch his reaction. ”Good, good.” Rhaenyra concluded, relieved to hear it.

The car pulls up into a guarded neighborhood. You weren't surprised to see that most of the houses inside are mansions, perfected with their own large car porches and a garden. And you weren't surprised to see the house they finally reached in the end was as equally large as the others. The outside walls were gray and cream coloured, you could seentwo different entrances from the side and from the front by the porch.

“Home sweet home.” Jace spoke from his seat. If your house looked like that than it'd be a sweet home too.

—-

It wasn't a bad dream that jolted you awake tonight. But rather the jarring change of surrounding that you weren't used to. Jace lays on his side, an arm lazily hung over your waist. It was his snoring that pulled you out if your confusion. The white and large curtains covering the see through doors of the balcony looked unfamiliar because they aren't yours, they're Jace's.

And the reason why the floor felt so cold once you placed both your feet on the ground after you've gently push his hands off to climb off the bed was because it's made of marble, not concrete like you were used to.

Slipping into the bathroom quietly and turning on the sink tap, the brutal coldness of the water made you wince. You let your fingers familiarize with the feeling before wiping it over your dull face.

It was 2am, the clock hung on the walls of the dimly lit room read. A dreaded and fatigued part of you wanted to get back to bed, but there was a restlessness growing inside of your bones. Today is the third day that you've been here, 6 days until Christmas. You had spent the past few days helping Rhaenyra bake gingerbread cookies and joined in snowball fights with Jace and his siblings.

Your boyfriend definitely had more fun than his younger brothers. How fun it was to be able to chuck 7 snowballs in a row at his girlfriend's face before she starts chasing him into the snowflake covered woods threatening to dropkick him.

You thought things have been going pretty well so far. At first you had worried that your quiet personality would somehow make things awkward, but you seemed to have fit in rather easily with them.

You weren't shy or anything, just more reserved than most. And not that you'd ever tell Jace to his face, but Joffrey probably was your favourite. He was the youngest and the cutest. At first he had completely ignored you on the first night that you arrived, but the next day during breakfast he showingly changed his mind for his dislike or indifference for you by making Jace switch places with him to sit by your left.

It was announced on that very same day that you are to be his favourite person in that house too.

The door made a small creaking noise as you opened it to leave. Walking down the dark corridor that led downstairs, you walked yourself to the kitchen, looking for something to drink. Help yourself to the fridge, Rhaenyra had told you 2 days ago. Well, don't mind if I do.

The fridge light shone over your face like the glow of heaven as you bend down to see your choices. They had cranberry juice, which wasn't exactly your favourite, but it was better than orange juice which was another thing they had. There's bar of chocolate you're tempted to steal, but you have a feeling it's not yours to take.

Just as your hand extends to grab at the cranberry juice, the kitchen lights flicker open, making you flinch so hard that you accidentally banged your head on the upper part of the fridge. "Ow."

"Oh it's just you." Rhaenyra's voice laughed out. Pulling your head out like a snack thief, you smiled sheepishly at her.

"Sorry, was gonna grab a drink." She shook her head and head over to the kitchen sink, washing her hands. "It's fine, I thought you were Joffrey, he likes to steal his brother's chocolate bars." Well that's something the two of you have in common.

"What are you drinking?" She asks turning to look at you. "Just cranberry juice." She hummed in disagreement, shaking her head. "In this cold season? Take a seat, I'll make some tea." You have never jumped so quickly to interject anyone. "Oh no, It's fine! Really, it's 2am, I should probably get back to sleep anyways.".

She seems to take light of your argument, already pulling out a teapot and a small Camomile teabag. "Oh it's no bother, if you weren't craving anything then you wouldn't be awake rummaging through the fridge anyways." You stood awkwardly by the closed fridge watching her add hot water into the pot. "Fetch me the sugar will you?" You moved quickly to pull out the tub of sugar from one of the kitchen cabinets, passing it to her.

"So, what's keeping you up at night?" You shrugged lightly, leaning against the kitchen counter as you didn't want to sit and wait at the table like a brat. "Nothing really, I'm insomniac, so..." Her eyes widened momentarily. "Oh really?" You nodded.

"Mmhm, I take medication for it, but sometimes it doesn't work." She reacts with a string of Ooohs, stirring inside the pot with a long spoon.

"Melatonin?" You nodded again. That, and some anti psychotics.

Once she's finally done with the tea, you sat by her as she poured it into two mugs for the both of you. It was odd that she was up for small talk this late in the night, but you enjoyed conversing with her. "You know I don't think I've ever asked you what major you are, and that silly boy has never told me." "I'm an art major." You answered. She smiled so dotingly at the response, sincerely intrigued. "An art major? You can draw then?" You hummed positively. "Draw, paint a little."

She sips her hot tea patiently. "I'm a fan of art myself, have you heard of Egon Schiele?" You laughed breathily. "Of course, who doesn't?" Rhaenyra tipped her head to the side in a small nod of agreement. "I have some of his paintings on my office, his works had been a favourite. Quite an expressive man isn't he?" You considered the man's work with his personal life. "Not exactly a role model but yeah, he is."

Your tea is finished, but you remain unmoved on the chair, waiting for her to continue. "You know I believe that the arts is the heart of humanity. Some people might not agree, people who can't see beyond the techniques and brush strokes, but art is what happen when you try to make beauty out of pain, isn't it? I mean as stereotypical as it sounds."

Your eyes were no longer droopy from sleepiness, they match the pure intensity Rhaenyra's had. "It is. Without art, and I don't mean just paintings- I mean poetry and literature and theatre, pain would just be pain. Meaningless." "Exactly."

You don't know what the silent words being exchanged through your gazes actually meant, but something did cross between the two of you, an understanding of a sort, an alliance in beliefs.

"I also believe that those who dabble in art, in any mediums, are the ones who love the strongest and lose the hardest." An unintentional smile bloomed over your face. "Tell me about it." Rhaenyra laughs lightly. "Have you always dabbled in art?" She questioned.

You relive blurry memories of badly drawn trees and stick humans done when you were a child. "Sure, yeah. I've always liked it. I mean it's not just this magical talent I have or anything, as much as the arts is viewed in a much bigger scale of its effects to society as a whole, it's could also be deemed important in indivual intepretation."

Rhaenyra leans back against her chair, hands placed on her lap politely. "Like for example- art is intimate because it is yours.

- It doesn't have to have a deeper meaning all the time and neither does it have to emotionally strike you for it to be considered art. To love, some people say, is to be understood. But we can never truly understand anyone, no matter how hard we think we can.

-And so I think that art, just like people, can be loved even without context. Whatever feeling it sparks inside of you, it is intimate because it is complicated, and it is intimate because it can mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people."

Her expression was unreadable. You wondered if you have confused or overwhelmed her. But after a few minutes of silence, she asked; "And what about people?" "What about it?"

"You compared it to art, and you said art needn't be understood to be loved, does the same goes for people?" You clasped your cold hands on the warm mug and pursed your lips together, your thoughts racing each other.

"Yeah, it does. I mean I use to think that being with a person who understood you was the most important thing in the world, and though it does feel good to finally be seen by someone else, like I said before, it is nearly impossible to be truly understood. And so, the second best thing would be to be loved despite not being understood. To have someone who believes in you, even if they're not sure about the situation or the facts or your rationality, that is love. To be believed in."

"Faith?" Rhaenyra suggests. "Yes, faith."

You stood up right after, taking her empty cup to wash for too despite her complaints, hand washing them as you're not sure how to use a dishwasher. "I'm glad you're here." Rhaenyra spoke from behind you. It wasn’t the validation that had struck you so deeply in the chest, nor was it her appreciation for you, instead, ot was her acceptance. "I'm glad I'm here too."

In this small moment between 2 to 3am on a Thursday at your boyfriend's kitchen, you wonder if you've found the right kind of people to call home.

"Thanks for the tea, I hope I didn't keep you up." You thanked her in a hushed voice, genuinely grateful. She returned your smile and squeezed your shoulder softly. "You did no such thing, now go get some sleep, alright?"

When you returned to Jace's room, you find him sitting up on the bed in the dark. You closed the door behind you slowly and tiptoed towards him.

"Where'd you go?" He asks sleepily, pulling you close to his chest as he moves to lie back down. "Went to get a drink." You whispered back. "For 20 minutes?" You snorted and lifted your head up to kiss him on the cheek before placing your head back under his chin. "Your mother couldn't sleep either, she made tea."

Jace accepted the response, asking no more questions. His arms wrap around your body the way a ship holds on to an anchor. You didn't know how much you needed someone to need you until you met him.

You notice that he's still awake, with the way his finger is lightly tapping the skin of your shoulder. "Did I wake you up? Sorry." You feel him shaking his head slightly. "No, I was just thinking." He mumbled back. "About?" You inquired him.

"You, I miss you." You frowned and pulled back to look at him. "I'm right here." He shrugged. "I know, but sometimes you're not. Sometimes you're here but when I look at you, you're gone. And I don't know how to bring you back." You feel a splinter in your heart when he said that. How foolish you are to expect him to be so stupid to never notice how unstable you can be at times, how easily you dissociate and push him away before pulling him right back.

"I'm sorry." You told him sincerely, not sure what else there is that could be said.

"I'm not angry, or upset. I just want you to know that Im right here with you too, and I'm not going anywhere." You smiled sadly at him and nodded. "I know." Your noses booped together and he returns your small smile. "Anything you need me for, I'm here." Jacaerys assures you, half yawning. "I just need you to trust me, and I'll trust you. Can you do that for me?" He stared silently for a moment and then nodded once. "Okay, I trust you. But you have to honor your end."

You pecked his lips with one hand caressing his cheek. "I trust you." You promised.

—

It was 3 days before Christmas. You've spent the past week skiing and building a snowman with the kids. These past few days have been so suspiciously peaceful that it's terrifying.

You're on edge, despite the happiness this family has brought you. You like to tell yourself that you're just being careful, but the truth is that sometimes you can't tell the difference between a house fire and a small candle.

You had texted your mother 2 days ago, confessing to her that you've been spending this week with your boyfriend's family. You made sure to keep your lie about your job going, stating that this visit was a last minute kind of thing. She never answered.

She shouldn't be bothered, you soothed yourself. She never cared if you ever actually came home or not, why should this be an exception?

You and Jacaerys have spent the day going from shop to shop, eyeing beautiful Christmas lights and discounts available. You started with a bakery in the morning, Rhaenyra's suggestion. You had gotten free tastings on many of the popular cake choices before Jace finally settled on buying his mother's favourite Lemon cake.

He had urged you to pick something for yourself and you landed on some éclairs, finishing them up on the car ride to the antique gift shop a few blocks further.

The store had a giant nutcracker statue staring out from inside the windows, they reminded you of the old Christmas movies you spent watching as a child. The bell on the door jiggled loudly as you entered after Jace, a longing gaze towards the nutcracker, hints of nostalgia filling up your heart.

An elderly lady guarded the counter with a smile. "Looking for anything in particular?" She asks. Jace shook his head and smiled back. "Just looking around." He soon found himself crouching down at the snow globe sections, pulling a few out of the shelves to eye the intricate details.

You had walked to the candle shelves, admiring the colourful choices. There was another nostalgic thing on candles too. A superstitious kind. The way you used to blow on them for every birthday or random nights you remembered to lit up your rose scented candles that stays on your bedside, wishing on them like you do on a shooting star.

Asking for some kind of mercy from whichever god there was looking down at you. But in the end you had to pull yourself up without any kind of divine intervention. You had learned that there was only one god inside of you, and she was a girl fed on rage and grievance who spent her nights weeping in her empty altar.

The girl was still there, quieter now, but unflickering, unlike a candle.

You eye the red coloured candle gently, sniffing on the wax to identify the scent. Rose. You place it back on the shelf and move on to the cutlery sets.

You loved cutlery, plates and mugs. Maybe it's the 20s getting to you, but some days you feel that the house decoration section of IKEA was better than any night club you've been in. A beautiful chipped cup stared at you from the lower shelves. It was beautiful, purple flowers drawn on the curves and long thing green ropes on the holder.

You were pulling it out to look inside when your phone suddenly dinged multiple times, buzzing in the pocket of your pants. Clumsily, you pushed the cup back in and took your phone out whilst still crouching.

M: Is this some sort of tantrum you're throwing?

the first notification read, making you frown. You don't have the strength to swipe open the screen to read the full sentence, only reading what's shown on your lockscreen. Just before you could click it off after pressing mute, another notification enters, the words too bright, reading themselves aloud to you.

M: you're selfish, do you ever think about anyone else but yourself? It's always how you feel because only yo-

the full message was cut off as another notification enters. Irritation filled you the same time that your eyes pricked with angry tears. You blinked a few times to get rid of it as you shove your muted phone back in your pants.

I can't fucking deal with this right now. You told yourself. Your phone buzzed again, making you harshly take it back out to turn off the vibration.

It always has t be a problem with her. Selfish she called you? On the one time you decided to do something fo yourself?

Pulling yourself up to stand your kneed are met with the cup that's still half out from it's shelf, shoving it behind strongly, a small crash sound turned your whole body into stone.

You bend back down immediately, pulling out the chipped mug and the small broken pieces of it's corners. You could hear the owner getting up. Shit shit shit. "What was that sweetie?"

You turned to her with a saddened expression. "I'm so sorry, I'll pay for it-" the woman's eyes moved from your face to the glass pieces and gasped. "Oh my, wait here- I'll get the broom." As soon as she disappeared to the store room, Jacaerys was by your side in the next second. "What happened?" He bends down.

"It was an accident, I smashed it with my knee." Your voice was shaky and you feel your fingers prick as you try to sweep the pieces onto your left palm before the lady returned. "Baby, put it back, she's bringing the broom." He warned you. You shook your head lightly and kept picking up the tiny sharp ones. "It's fine, I got it-" Jace grabbed your hand and turned it upside down so they fall back on the ground.

"Jace what the fuck is wrong with you." You snapped, pulling your hand back. Your voice was high, close to yelling. "Your hand is fucking bleeding, there's literal cuts." He argued back, trying and failing to grab at your wounded hand.

The store room door opened loudly, the both of you turned to see the lady walking over quickly with a small broom. "Move aside you two." She ordered calmly.

"I can do it for you, it was my fault." You offered her, ignoring how Jace is trying to pull you back. "Oh no, it's fine sweetie, it happens all the time." You opened your mouth to ask again, desperate to try and fix the mess you made, but you could feel Jace's grip on your arm tightening and stayed silent.

"I didn't mean to." You whispered. His grip loosens, his hand moved from your arm to your shoulder. "It's fine, I'll pay for it." He immediately widened his eyes to warn you to keep quiet, knowing you'd argue against it. "Let me pay for it now, we'll discuss this later." He muttered closely to you. Your lips pursed together, not wanting to say or do anything you can't take back, you shush up.

There is large wave of emotion building up inside of you. It was overwhelming because it's not just one emotion. As the anger dissolves into pathetic guilt, you bite your lip from bursting out crying. Blinking fastly for a few more times, you managed to keep your breakdown from blowing up.

Standing by the door like a rock, you watch as Jace pulls out his purse to pay for the damage. You can see the lady shaking her head, denying his money. "It's old, not worth anything." You hear her say to him.

He ended up buying a tint snow globe and aa keychain anyways, to make up for the broken cup. She seemed to hold no grudge in her expression, smiling at the two of you and saving as you left.

Neither of you said anything on the walk to the car. Once you got in and strapped on the seatbelt, you twisted your face to him to see if he was upset and noticed that he was frowning. He hands you the small plastic gift, looking straight up front. A small sigh leaves him after he turns up the AC. the car engine noise filling up the tension between you.

"It was an accident." You repeated. He finally turns to you, with a look much worse than rage. Disappointment, pity. "I know." He responds softly. "I was just trying to clean it up, I felt bad." He nodded quietly, slowly averting his gaze to the steering wheel.

More silence filled the gap. When he finally steps on the pedal to reverse out of the parking, you turned away to look out the window in resolve. Nothing was said throughout the whole ride home.

Rhaenyra was excited to have you both home by evening. Her husband was quickly chastised for taking the first bite off of her cake. The sight was both amusing and endearing. You would've smiled in another scenario.

Jace talked and moved like nothing happened, offering for you to take a shower first before him, helping his mother with the dishes as the children are scolded for running around the kitchen. "Go to your room." Jace forced them with a kind of authority that you rarely see in him.

You watch the kids run up pass you, saying hi to you before they disappeared to their rooms.

Going for a shower yourself, you found solace in the privacy that his bathroom gave you. Letting the hot water run down your body along with your tears, you couldn't tell the difference between whicb and which.

Your face and eyes was red by the time you were done, the hot water obviously helped with that. But the warmth after cold skin biting walks was calming, even with the overthinking that came with today's events, the shower helped to bring down the temperature of your emotions.

Washing your face with cold water from the sink next, you avoid looking in the mirror. Shame erupted inside your chest, like a child scorned and embarrassed by their own behaviour.

You could hear Jace walk in the room from the bathroom. The door makes a sound as it's shut close. Letting your hair down for the first time today, you combed the wild strands with your fingers, lightly massaging your head as you brave yourself to face him again.

You didn't do anything wrong, why are you so scared?

You push the door open and dry your feet on the carpet outside of it. Jace was sitting on his bed, shirtless and charging his phone by the bedside.

He gives you a glance when be hears your footsteps and then turns back away like it's nothing. You're as watchful as him as you begin to dress yourself, sliding a green long-sleeved shirt over your head. You'd layer a cardigan over it later, but for now you're craving the chill after your hot shower.

He gets up to place his snow globe on his dressing table and hooked the small heart shaped keychain on his laptop bag. You sat yourself on the bed, feeling it dip and watching him still.

He turns on the small light on the front of his room after he's done closing all the curtains, and then you watch him take his trousers off before taking down his towel from the coat hanger and enter the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Hearing the sound if water begin falling from where he's in, you let your shoulder relax, a tired sigh escapes you.

You leaned back against the pillows and closed your eyes for a moment, letting the world around you turn dark.

—

The first time Jacaerys had slept over in your apartment was the first time he ever knew you were on multiple medication. It was the first time the two of you ever had sex, and he had passed out easily after. You, despite being tired, found yourself kept awake by your thoughts.

You can't remember what exactly kept you up but it was 2 hours in when he was startled awake by your shuffling around.

You had spent the last hours contemplating if you should grab a pill to help fall asleep or if it was too late and the pill would cause you to sleep in on tomorrow morning's class. And so the indecisiveness resulted in you trying your best and failing to fall asleep naturally. He looked up at you groggily and frowned.

"How you been awake the whole time?" He asked. You sighed tiredly and laid on your back.

"Yeah, sorry, did I wake you?" He shook his head and wiped a hand over his face. "You didn't, it's fine. I just thought you'd be down easy after all that."

You snorted and shook your head. "I'm insomniac."

"Oh." You nodded. "Yeah I have meds for it, but sometimes the pills all just clash together and it doesn't really work." He hummed in understanding. You noticed he doesn't ask more about the pills. It was either he didn't care or he was being respectful. You learned weeks in later that it was the latter. Unsurprisingly.

"Well, what do you do when you can't sleep?" You shrugged your shoulders. "Dunno. Watch stuff on my phone."

"What do you usually watch?" He asks, characteristically interested. "Gay sex." His head jolted forward and his eyes immediately widened. "I'm joking."

His shock immediately watered down as he gave you a faint laugh in response. "Right, of course."

You spent the rest of the night talking to him until your body gave in and you collapsed around his arm around dawn.

It's not an easy thing to forget, a man's first show of affection in small subliminal ways that some people might not notice. But you did, you always do.

That was not the last time you'd see him sacrifice his own comfort to make you feel less lonely than you already were. In a room full of people, colleagues, friends and family, you found that only he had the power to make you feel seen.

Other people looked at you and saw what you let them see. But Jacaerys was willing to pay much more attention to the things other people didn't want to. Your condition, whatever it's called (most people call it complicated), often made people uncomfortable. How is it a person like you could be so non chalant yet care so much at the same time. How was it you were reserved, but not shy or accepting of anyone's attempts to step over you?

They can't quite understand the complexity of being a damaged person that still tries their best to undo those damages on a daily. Niceties didn't always equal empathy. You learned that very early on in your life. To find someone who wouldn’t try to fix the hard parts of your self or resent you for them wasn't easy.

Most men, that you knew of, will either try to "fix" you in an attempt to make themselves feel heroic. Like a savior. And when they realise too far in that those scars you bared was unreversable, they use it againts you instead. They paint you out to be the bad guy for those same traits they promised and vowed to be so understanding of.

And for almost the only time ever in your life that night, you didn't feel like your secrets were owed to anyone. A safe space was a place you knew you could be vulnerable with, but t was also supposed to be a place where you knew you could still be caution with all your walls up and still wouldn't be judged for it.

It was him who stayed through the cold shoulders and unanswered questions. And so, it was also him who you then trusted your whole heart with.

---

You were woken up 30 minutes before dinner time. Feeling the soft nudge Jacaerys gave you, shaking you awake easily. His hand lingered on your shoulder until you were sitting up fully. You thanked him and went up to the bathroom to wash your face.

"Mom's making lasagna tonight." He says ftom outside the bathroom door. He no longer referred to Rhaenyra as 'my mom', including you as part of the family without any awkwardness.

"I love lasagna." You called back. "I know."

The cold sink water have been getting warmer and warmer as the snow outside begins to melt. The weather was still antagonizing, but driving through the wet road was easier now, and morning showers are less dreadful.

"You know, we don't really get snow back home." You quipped as you turn off the sink, making your way out. "Really?" He asked, genuinely astonished.

"Yeah, it's a much warmer climate where I'm from." He was putting on a sweater by his mirror when you came out, his eyes met yours through the reflection. "So, you've never built a snowman before?".

You smiled and nodded, walking over to the bed. "Nope, the one we did the other day was my first time." Snowman building and snowball fights were fun, though you wouldn’t admit to your boyfriend that you much preferred staying inside with the heater on as you munch on some cookies and hot chocolate.

You were layering moisturiser over your face when you hear Jace speak, "I forgot to tell you, your mom called on your phone while you were sleeping." You froze for a second before your hands resumed massaging your face with the product.

"Oh, did you talk to her?" You asked, giving him a quick glance. Jacaerys shook his head and you felt relief spread through your whole body.

He sat by your side, watching you do your skincare routine meticulously. "I muted it, but you should probably call her back, it was two misscalls." You hummed uncaringly, as if it was the least important thing in the world, not wanting to give out a suspicious reaction.

The truth was you did not have the guts to check your messages at all since you came back from the shopping trip. You had her on mute and that had helped calm your nerves. But knowing that she had went as far as calling you twice, which believe it or not, is the first time you've ever had that much attention from her, was anxiety inducing.

"I'll call her later." You stated, noticing him still staring at you from the corner of your eyes. "Why did you say that she already knew you were here when we first arrived at the airport?" He asks suddenly.

There weren't any direct correlations of this question to the current situation, but it was unsurprising that he had brought this up. In fact, you have been waiting for him to do so.

"I did tell them." You answer bluntly. "You told me a few days before that you didn't want to." You closed the cap of your face serum and stashed it back inside your small bag, taking yout time with the conversation.

"I changed my mind. I was telling the truth when I said I didn't want to tell them at first, but I figured they should know. In case of emergencies." He was content with the answer, making no more inquiries.

Dinner was quick and quiet. You helped cut the marble cake Rhaenyra had made into small square shapes before its passed around to the whole table after prayers were spoken together.

There were no leftovers of it or the lasagna by the time it was over. You could tell that the older woman was overjoyed. She was someone who put all of her love and effort into everything that she does for her family, and watching her children appreciate the hard work of a mess she made in the kitchen must've felt rewarding.

You helped her with the dishes until everyone else except Jace had left. She argued against it at first, insisting that you were a guest and shouldn't have to do anything. But you refused to leave until the kitchen was clean, so she had you sweep crumbs and pieces out of the carpet while Jace was to take out the trash.

"It's good to have another woman here." She said to you as she stacks up the dry plates back to the shelves.

Throwing out the collected trash into the dustbin, you offered her a small laugh. "I'm glad you feel so."

You went up first after the cleaning was done, leaving Jacaerys with his mother, discussing the Christmas tree arrangements.

The medium sized plastic tree they had ordered last week finally arrived, and it was up to him to fix it up on their livingroom by the end of today.

You considered your gift for his family that you had handmade a few days before you flew here. It would've been easier to buy something, but buying them all an individual gift would be costly, and Jacaerys himself have warned you against that, deeming it unnecessary.

And so your ivory and indigo themed painting of Daisies and Forget Me Not's would be enough.

It was an image that you had longed to paint for a long time, two contrasting coloured flowers tangled together. But with all the assignments and homework that your degree was already requesting of you, there hadn't be any time for you to make it up until the week before you an Jace left.

It wasn't your best work, but it was your favourite. The subtlety that tied together on the canvas satisfied you.

Jace came up shortly after you had. Mumbling something about the decorations looking shitty. Ignoring the fact that you were reading on the bed, jumped on it suddenly, making you bounce up. "Hello?" You snapped, waving your book.

He raised his brows innocently, laying down on the pillows. "All you do is read and paint." He whined. "I like reading and painting."

He poked your right thigh with his toes making you pause reading to slap his feet as a warning. "Get a hobby." You could feel his eye roll from behind you. "Loving you is my hobby."

You kept your eyes on the book as you responded, "how lifeless you must be." Your book is snatched from your hand right after your sentence is finished. "Give it back you gorilla." You twist yourself towards him, trying to reach for the book as he held it up over your head.

"No, this thing has taken over my place as the center of your attention." You let out a loud hah! Pushing him down against the bed and pried the book from his cold hands as he kept his grip on it.

"Bold of you to assume you were ever the center of my attention." He gasped and you took the opportunity to grab the book while his hand loosens.

"How can I not be the center of your attention? Look at me." He spoke seriously.

The book was safely placed by your side, but now he's grabbing you over him instead. "You know I only agreed to date you just in case I'd need to apply for a green card." You gritted out as he squeezes your face against his cheek. Jacaerys' facade of being offended broke and he threw his head back in a boisterous laugh, letting you slip away from him

Shoving him strongly while he's still choking on laughter, he fell off the bed with an oof and landed face down, drawing out a laugh from you instead.

Pulling himself back up, he squints his eyes and glared at you. "You're so boring."

What he views as boring is your kind of fun and that was just how it is. "What do you want us to do instead? Have a slumber party?" He tilt his face, genuine considering it. You cut him off before he could agree. "No- We're not doing that, because I know your definition of slumber party."

"I thought you liked my definition of a slumber party." He asks, laying his head on your lap and letting you get your few pages in for the night. "We're at your parent's house, I don't think they'd like your definition of a slumber party." He hummed and said nothing else, closing his eyes as he stays against your thighs.

You suspected it was either the white wine or the sugar rush of the three squares if marble cake that he had tonight that was making him slightly more hyper. Whatever it was, it's refraining him from being able to just sit his ass down. You once asked him if he had ADHD during your first month of dating, he vaguely answers 'probably' and started talking about something else right after.

Speedreading the last 3 pages of the chapter you're in, you thought he had fallen asleep until he turned around so he would face up to you. "Do you want to go see the Christmas lights?"

You barely heard what he said at first, trying to finish reading the last sentence of the page. "Huh?" He repeated what he said again, waiting for you to close your book and meet his eyes.

When you finally do, you looked down at him with skepticism. "Right now?" He nodded. It was around 8.30, not that late, but also pretty early. You tossed and turned the suggestion in your head until you finally just shrugged at him. "Are they really that pretty?"

"This street is full of mansions wrapped with gigantic traffic lights coloured decorations. Pretty sure the Millers have a gigantic Elf statue outside their gate." You blinked in surprise. "That's...festive."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, rich people stuff."

You'd counter back that he was rich too, but there aren't any weird Santa statues in this house yet, so you say nothing. "We don't have to see the ones around this neighbourhood, I know the street stalls are gonna be lit up all around tonight, We could drive around, grab a burger or something."

You were still full from the lasagna, but a burger sounded appealing. You had grown up around street foods and cheap oily burgers and fries from stalls by your house. The taste was always better than whatever clean expensive food you've ever had in your life. You were eager to get out of this place suddenly.

"Okay, sure. Let me finish one more chapter and we can go." Jacaerys cheered, fist bumping the air before he rolled off of you to go change into something thicker.

It ended up being an hour later when you were finally done with the book, managing to convince your dressed up boyfriend on his reindeer sweater that it's much too early still.

To make up for your lack of priority for the time, you were punished to wear a matching red sweater like his. Putting it on with a grumble and frown, he had no idea that you secretly liked the sweater but would rather die than confess it aloud.

You let him get downstairs first to inform his mother of your plans. He was already starting the car engine when you got down, his parents and young Joffrey were all settled on the couch, watching Bluey.

Rhaenyra smiled as you walked by. You waved at her as you're about to walk out and hear her call out to her son. "Be back before 11, or I'll lock you both out!"

"Yeah, yeah." Jace yelled back and closes the door.

You hopped on the passenger seat of his Range Rover with ease and put on the seatbelt while he starts to reverse the car out of parking.

"So, where first?" You ask.

"We could start with stalking our neighbour's houses and then go on a drive down the street- or, we could go down the street first and then stalk our neighbours." You don't miss the way he referred to his neighbours as ours. "I think we should stalk the weird elf dude first, we'll probably be starving again by the time that's done, and then we can go straight to the shops and get a burger."

"Oh wow, you had this all planned out didn't you?" He sounded amused.

"Well, better safe than sorry." He wore a puzzled expression at your words but did not ask for clarification.

The house with the 5'4 elf wasn't that far away from his, and true his words were, the elf did exist by the large gates.

It had a green pointy hat on and wore a red vest with blue buttons.

"The Italian flag?" You whispered out in confusion, watching through the binoculars Jace had stolen from his younger brother. "I think...that's the Christmas colours, not the Italian flag." He whispered back, taking the binoculars from you.

"Oh right, of course." This had to be the first and last time you said something that stupid around him. You had a reputation to keep of being the smart one

What's more terrifying than the large demonic eyes of the elf staring at you was how there were also multiple tiny elves surrounding the big one, like little elf babies with adult elf faces. They crowded around the feet of the big elf, building what seemed like an elf shrine.

"It's like a cult." Jacaerys spoke after a while. You thought the exact same thing.

"Like little cultish elves worshipping their elf messiah." Jace lowered the binocular and snapped his neck towards you. "You think this is legal?"

You frowned at him. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, i mean it's a bit disturbing isn't it, like, doesn't this count as property damage or something, or least neighbourhood disturbance."

"The only authority figure I could imagine would have a problem with this is Santa Claus for illegal use of elves, besides that, I don't think a statue of Elf on the shelf would count as a distubance at all." He looked uncomfortable at your explanation, and only then did it click in your head.

"Jace, are you scared of the 5'4 static Elf?"

His silence and slow reaction was answer enough. You gasped in realization. "You are!"

"I'm not fucking scared of the Elf." He denied strongly as you leaned against the locked car door in shock. "I'm just...disturbed. It's almost the same height as me."

"You can't blame the elf for your growth problems." He glared at you and started the car on reverse. "That's the worst thing you've ever said to me, worse than the time you compared me to the hunchback of Notre Dame."

You burst out a giggle at the random memory. "Oh my god, the hunchback of Notre Dame!" You recalled the nickname joyfully. "Well, it made you fix your posture. Also you called me Baymax last week, so it cancels out.

Jace drives the car out of the neighbourhood, waving at the security guard who stood by the post to open the gate. Making a turn on his right, he heads straight for the streetshops.

"You called yourself Baymax, I just corrected you." He defends himself.

It took longer than usual to get there, considering that so many other people there had the same idea as them. Jace had to turn on the heater when halfway near the destination, snow began to fall down from lonely starless sky.

It was microscopic and beautiful. You had wanted to reach yout hand out through the window and grabbed one of the flakes on the palm of your hands, but you refrained from doing it

In the back of your head, you can hear the cynical voice of your mother calling your childlike awe a sign of immaturity.

People like you who thinks life is all about dreams and art and poetry are the kind of people who ends up in the street once your hopes have failed you.

You let yourself enjoy the scenery before Jace finally parks the car bynthe side of the road. He helps you get off the ride and locked it securely before intertwining your hands together and heading to the burger stall that's a block away from where you two stood.

"The traffic's gonna be crazy tomorrow." He mutters under his breath, looking up as the snowflakes continue to fall down. "Because of the snow?" You ask anyways, despite knowing the answer.

"That, and because people are going to head back home or wherever they came from for Christmas day." Ah yes, of course.

The holiday that you came here for.

"Well I can't imagine the traffic on the day after Christmas would be any more pleasing." He nods in agreement, scrunching up his nose in displease.

Thank god for their first class flight.

The burger order took less than 5 minutes. You sat down next to him by the door of a closed pawnshop as you ate it all up. The flavor of red chilli sauce and mayo filled you mouth, it felt like a reminiscent of an old memory.

You finished it faster than Jacaerys and stood up to walk over past the streetlamp to take a closer look at the glorious crescent moon that stared back at you from above.

Lifting both your hands up, you use them to cover the blurry glow of the lamp from your sides to let yourself see the moon better. You weren't sure how long you had been standing there just staring at it, but it didn't matter because even after years of knowing the exist of the moon, it's beauty never fail to leave you in awe every time you see it

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone this excited to see the moon." You hear your boyfriend tease from behind you. He must have already finished his burger. "Oh you haven't seen me with the stars yet.".

You could feel him smiling from behind as he places a hand on your shoulder. "Not much of them tonight." He noted. "Yeah, it's like they're all in hiding."

Letting your heart whisper out one last wish on the stunning moon, you turned back towards Jacaerys with pursed lips and raised brows. "Well, where are we going next?" He smiles back. "I think the bookstore up front is doing 20% off."

---

Jacaerys Strong is scared of a lot of thing. He's scared of learning new stuff. He is scared of heights and pests and gigantic sized elfs.

But his biggest fear these past few months is accidentally saying the wrong thing at the wrong time around you.

He realized very early on that when it came to being in a relationship with you, patience was a major key that was necessary. And just because he had succeeded in waiting long enough for you to finally unlock that door, it didn't mean that there were no more locks in the future.

But sometimes he's not sure which room he is in and he can't tell which key is for which. It's not that you're overly complicated, just more confusing than some. There were many times where he felt inclined to listening and studying the way you act instead of tryong to pry details out of you.

Pressuring you into opening up or trying to make whatever you two have go faster would be a recipe for disaster.

There was a discount indeed when you both got to the bookstore. Despite his reputation of being more muscles than brains, Jacaerys liked reading. He wasn't exactly an avid reader before he met you, but he enjoyed reading whatever you recommended him to so that the both of you could talk about it together afterwards.

You spent some time on the Young Adult shelf before moving onto the Classics and New Adult sections while your boyfriend strayed away to the other shelves but still remained close to you. And after 20 minutes of searching about, you finally picked up a copy of The Essex Serpent while Jace bought himself The Crucible.

"I didn't take you for a play kind of guy." You commented as you walk out the store. "I've read a few of them this year actually." He admits as the two of you make way to his car. "Really?" You sounded astonished, he couldn't blame you.

"Yeah, I actually had to read All's well that end's well and Hamlet for my lit class, but i liked them so I decided to read Macbeth too just for fun."

"You can understand Shakespeare?" You ask with a frown. He makes a face at your words. "I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

"I'm not. I tried Romeo and Juliet in like 11th grade, couldn't understand shit." You explained.

You liked reading and you liked literature, but you weren't good at understanding old english writing. Growing up, it felt like you weren't allowed to indulge in two kinds of hobbies that leaned more towards the artistic side of education. Your mother has always regarded your passion for the arts as a waste of times. I've never met an artists that didn't die suffering. She had told you when you were 13 years old after she had thrown out all of your drawing books because you were getting below B+ on your mathematic and science subjects.

"Did your school not have a literature class?" You shook your head no. "We had normal English for like, grammar, vocabulary, and essays. But we were never taught to read the classics or poetry like a lot of the other public schools."

Jacaerys was a private school boy, so of course his classes were much more detailed and well organized compared to the ones held in public schools.

"That sounds boring." It was boring, when you finally entered college and was able to attend literature class as an elective subject, you found that your passion for the language still burned bright even after years.

The next half an hour was spent driving down the road and looking at the fairy lights hung from streetlamp to streetlamp. A lot of the shops had plastic made snowmans guarding the door of the place.

More snow began heavily filling up the ground, it was getting the people around the place even more excited. You could see parents with their children, and teenagers with their friends running around trying to catch the snowflakes and bending down to investigate the ones that have fallen.

If it weren't for the blistering cold, you'd probably get off the vechicle to join them.

An old toyshop by the end of the road even had these stunning little rudolph the red nosed reindeer figures staring out from inside the shop. Jace suggested going in to check the place out, but you were getting comfortable in your seat, just enjoying the view from inside.

Clenching your toes tightly in an attempt to warm them up, the fuzzy pair of socks you had on were no help. "I think we should just stay inside, used enough money for today."

"Broken enough stuff too." He responds in a joking manner as he pulls over in a singular parking lot behind an empty building.

You feel a something snap in your head as you turned to him. "Are you still mad about that?" He wore a puzzled expression at the question but still kept his eyes on his front despite the car already being parked. "I'm not mad at you, I was just joking." He responds in a weary intonation.

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better." You said calmly. Sometimes people lie as not to offend the other person, but you wanted him to know that he could be honest with you on how be feels. "I know you were at least a little upset, that's why you wouldn't speak to me when we got home."

He turns off the front lights of the car and the engine, and then pulled his seat back slightly, getting more comfortable. When he finally looks at you, it was the kind of look that you have ling deciphered as a stare of commiseration. The kind that you give to starving stray dogs outside your door.

"Don't look at me like that, don't be patronizing." You warned him, leaning your back on the car door. "I'm not patronizing you, I didn't even say anything."

"You're looking at me like you feel bad, don't fucking feel bad. If you're angry at me, then tell me you're angry at me. I'm not a child, I can take it." He opened his mouth to argue against that but closed it just as fast as he opened them.

Glancing to his side like he's searching fir some sort of support, he meets your eyes again after a second, and spoke with much more confidence; "I'm not mad at you, I never was." You fold your arms together, shaking your head.

"Then why were you so silent on the way back- and don't say it's nothing, I know the difference between comfortable silence and awkward silence." He waves his arms in resignation and stutters out as he struggles to really think of a good response.

"Honestly?" You nod once. "I-I just didn't know, how to speak to you."

"What does that mean?" You pushed him to elaborate. "I mean, it's just that in certain times- certain situations, you can get so...vulnerable. Like you're seconds away from breaking. And in times like those, I'm just not sure how to approach or comfort you.

-I mean god knows I was never good with comforting people, but when you get so frustrated and upset, I'm just scared that if I say the wrong things or ask the wrong questions, I'll accidentally hurt you more and push you away from me further."

The pity in his eyes were gone, replaced with worry instead. You take in every words he says with a sharp piercing in your heart. "Oh."

A part of you is relieved to know that he was never really angry. Another part of you despises him for viewing you as something so fragile and pathetic. And then there is a third part of you from the inside, who knew that he was right. You had been compared to a ticking time bomb before, it was not new information.

"I'm sorry I made you think I was mad." He spoke again after a moment of silence. Your eyes strayed from his face to your lap, unable to meet his gaze.

He watches the way your face scrunces up in a thoughtful manner and gently places a hand on your thigh hesitantly. "I don't mean it in a bad way, I'm just, not that good with words sometimes."

Your face is relaxed as you look back up again, acceptant to the things he had said. "I get what you mean." You told him, the aggressiveness from before already melting back into passivity. "I'm sorry too, I know I can be a lot."

His free hand moved to caress the right side of your cheek. "You're not, we're both juat doing what we know as best as we can." You nodded and offered him a half smile.

He pulls you into a hug, the seating arrangement making it a bit hard, but the two of you pulled through. "My mom's angry I'm here." You mumbled into his chest.

Jacaerys' brows knitted together. "Why? She doesn't like me or something?" Be feels you shake your head no. "She doesn't even know you. She just thinks every decision I make is a bad one." He didn't know what to say to that.

He's never met your family before, but it was obvious that you were raised in a very different environment than he was.

He also understood that you've always had a certain way dealing with negative things in your life, a certain perspective that makes your choices understandable.

"Did she want you to come home?" You answered no. "She doesn't care if I come home or not, and yet for some reason she's upset that I chose to be here instead of going back home."

"She sounds like a bitch, I'm gonna be honest." You snorted out a laugh as you pulled away before he could regret his words. "She is."

"So, what are you going to do?" You shrugged with a sigh. "Nothing. That's what I always do." You've given up trying to defend yourself years ago. Arguing with your mother never ends well because she doesn't argue to understand, she argues to win. "Some people are worth fighting for, but not everyone is worth fighting with."

He says nothing, staring at you from his seat. You wanted to ask him if he understood what you mean, if he understood that the person you mentioned worth fighting for was him, but just not against your mother. But you were already so sick and tired of talking about her.

She's like some sort of negative charge around you, even the thought of her brings darkness and gloom. "It doesn't matter what she thinks. Because in the end of the day, I'm the one who chose to be here, and I haven't regret it so far." His face broke into a grin at that. "No?"

"No." You repeated surely. "Hmm." He ponders. "Does that mean you're up for a repeat next year?" You raise a brow at that. "This year's one isn't even finished, you're already planning for next year's?"

"Of course."

"How do you know if I'll still be around next year?" You weren't sure what kind of answer you were expecting. It was some sort of test, not just for him, but for you too. "Because I know I love you. And I know you love me too."

"Love is a big word." You noted after considering his confession fairly. In most situations regarding intimacy and vulnerability, you'd always find yourself to be stuck in between the flight or fight mode. But this time, you're sitting down with it and letting yourself indulge the possibilities.

"Are you making fun of my vocabulary or are you questioning my sincerity." Oh. that sentence overall were all big words for him you fought over the grin threatening to appear.

"I'm questioning your assumption that I feel the same way as you."

"Well," he starts, "-you're here with me right now aren't you?" He says it in a matter of factly tone, leaning in towards you, wiggling his brows. "That means nothing." You countered his defense.

"If I kiss you right now, would it mean nothing?" The question was so sudden, you scoffed in face for all the words you're unable to say. "If you kiss me right now, it's because I'm letting you do it."

"Because you love me." You relented and matched his smile. "I love...your mother. And I love your siblings." He eyes you suspiciously. "But what I feel for you surpasses the word love." It was cheesy, it was childish, it was you laying your heart out for him and not being ashamed of it.

"Tomato, tomahto. I call it love, you call it whatever you just did." He muttered back His lips captures yours right after. Your palms finds the sides of his face as he kisses you deeper.

You don't hesitate to climb up from your seat to his own. You feel his fingers gripping your waist as you settle yourself over his lap, pushing the headrest down with a freehand, he lets you take the lead as his fingers moves lower to grip on your hips.

There was nothing soft about the kiss, your tongues danced with his and your teeth clashes together. He made sure that there would be no gap between you two. You gasp out for air once you pull away to slip your sweater off of you. You pull your pants down easily along with your underwear.

"Thank god for tinted windows, huh?" He whispers to you breathily as he discards his own clothes and zip open his trousers.

Your response to that joke is to push him back against the seat to kiss him stronger than before. "Jesusfuckingchrist." He swore against your lips when you begin to ground yourself against his hard on.

He lifte his hips up to meet your grinding, the sensation of your bare pussy against his cock. His fingers squeezes into the skin of your ass, making you whine out loudly. "Fuck- I need you." You moaned deliriously humping on him like your life depends on it.

He pulls his cock out of his boxers fully, pushing it inside your wet squelching cunt. He groaned into your ear as you hid your head by his neck. Your hands held onto his shoulders as your hips jumped up and down on his cock. His grip on you is bruising, but it only added to the pleasure.

You feel the head of his penis hitting your clit harshly every time you sink down fully on it. Jacaerys is grunting out your name repeatedly like prayers in the dark and throwing his head back, lost in the pleasure.

"God- Ah, Jace-" He relishes the noises you make as you squeezes his cock with your warm, tight pussy. "So good." It's driving him insane and he's almost breathless as you continue to pleasure yourself using him to get yourself off. "Fuck, baby." He growled.

You held each other through your orgasm, biting into his neck when you felt relief pass through you. That's gonna leave a mark, you thought. But the night was still bright, snow still falling, and neither of you had much energy left to care.

—

“Jacaerys, we have the heater on, why are you wearing a turtleneck?” Rhaenyra asks as she bring over the big plate of lemon cake to the table. “I like this turtleneck,” was his response to her. A terrible excuse, but she asked nothing more.

You helped her set the table while Jacaerys went over to his brothers’ rooms to wake them up. You could hear him yelling from upstairs, “It’s Christmas morning, get up!”

You refuse to admit to him that te Christmas spirit had gotten into you. Preparing the plates around each seat, you are more excited for the gift unwrapping that’ll be done after breakfast. And the snowball fight. Since when did you become so excited for snowball fights? Since you closed your eyes and tried to imagine this kind of life going on for years and realized that you want nothing less than it.

The kids came running down the stairs, bouncing in every step. “Don’t jump Joffrey, you’ll fall.” Rhaenyra chastised. Lucerys and Joffrey rushed to their seat, Jace following close from behind. “Hurry up, I want to open the presents.” Luc rushed. “You’ll get your presents sooner or later. Now, please eat breakfast slowly, I don’t need you choking on your meals at 9am.” His father’s voice boomed from the hallway as he entered the kitchen.

He had been out all day, buying stocks of eggs and flour for Rhaenyra to use.

“Alright, alright-“ Rhaenyra spoke, sitting down alongside everyone at last. “Who’s gonna say the prayers today? Luc?” The boy immediately shook his head. “I’ll do it.” Jace offered, his mother looked internally grateful. “Alright, go on.”

He takes a deep breath before he holds his fists together and closed his eyes, everyone but you followed through. You watch him begin to thank god for the food on the table and for his family’s good health and fortune before he goes on to thank god for his beautiful girlfriend. Luc mutters out an ‘ew’, which Jacaerys quickly retorts back ‘You just don’t have a girlfriend that’s why you’re jealous.” In the middle of his prayer, earning a warning ‘Jace…’ from his mother.

In the meantime, you were grateful that all of their eyes were closed, so that they wouldn’t be able to see your wide smile and flushed cheeks. I don’t have much faith in god these days, but I’d burn a prayer or two for you, you thought to yourself. And you meant it.

Once he ends his prayers with an Amen, he opens his eyes to connect them with yours first before the silent moment shared was broken by everyone else’s eagerness to eat.

They had not understood the meaning between your shared glances with him. How it was a way for him to tell you that you, just like his family, is his priority. They also don’t know how you had blocked your whole family’s contact list for good. And when you had told him of your action that morning, he looked at you so reassuringly and told you that as long as is he alive, you would never be without a family.

#jacaerys velaryon x reader #house of the dragon #jacaerys velaryon #jace velaryon x reader #house of the dragon x reader #hotd x reader #game of thrones #harry collett

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korrasamiweek2024 · 3 months

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Hi everyone! This December will mark the 10th anniversary of Korra and Asami walking hand in hand into the Spirit Portal and changing the animation game forever. Korrasami means so much to so many people, so let's give them the celebration they deserve💖

Here's a general idea of what to expect and when:

February 1st - April 30th: Prompt Submission. Let me know what kind of prompts you'd like to see! Send me a message here and I'll add it to the list.

May: Prompt Voting. Depending on how many prompt ideas are submitted, this could take one week or a few weeks. We'll see when we get there!

June - December 14th: Long stretch of time during which I'll be on my hands and knees begging you not to forget this event is a thing, and you can brainstorm and work on your submissions!

December 15th - December 21st: Korrasami Week!!!

Keep reading under the cut for rules and guidelines😊

Rules and Guidelines:

1. What's allowed? Pretty much anything! Artwork, fanfiction, gifsets, headcanons, analysis/meta, memes, etc. are all welcome, as long as they're your own work and are Korrasami-focused.

2. Explicit content is fine, but the characters need to be adults, and everything depicted MUST be consensual.

3. Please abide by Tumblr's guidelines about explicit content, otherwise there's a chance Tumblr might delete your submission! If you're not sure, you can always post your work to another site (AO3, twitter, etc.) and then link to it here. All explicit content posted and reblogged here will be tagged "nsft" so be sure to block that tag if you'd like to filter out such content!

4. No whitewashing, racism, misogyny, transphobia, ableism, or other bigotry of any kind.

5. When submitting visual or audio media, please include a description either in ALT text or in the body of the post itself.

6. Other characters and relationships from The Legend of Korra are welcome, but your submission should be primarily about Korrasami.

7. Be kind. No criticism ("constructive" or otherwise) of other people's work unless the creator explicitly requests it. If you don't like something, just keep scrolling!

8. Follow the prompts if you can! They're meant to be helpful, but if you get inspired by something else entirely, please feel free to submit whatever you make!

9. Tag for content warnings if you think something might be triggering.

10. Submit your fanwork either by mentioning @korrasamiweek2024 in the body of your post and using the #korrasamiweek2024 tag, or by submitting it directly to this blog. You can also add it to the Korrasami Week 2024 Collection on AO3. All submissions for each prompt will be reblogged or posted by the end of the day.

11. There's no such thing as a stupid question, so if you're unsure about something, feel free to ask!

#korrasami #korrasamiweek2024 #tlok #lok #korra #asami sato

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zukkabigbang2024 · 3 months

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❁ZUKKA BIG BANG 2024❀

💙Schedule:

-Sign ups: Feb 6- Feb 25

-Writers Submit Ideas/ Summaries: Feb 26- Mar 3

-Claiming Day: Mar 5

-Check-in #1: Sat Apr 6

-Check-in #2: Sat May 4

-Check-in #3: Sat Jun 1

-Final Drafts due: Sat Jun 29

-Posting Period (subject to change): Aug 1- 14

❤️Rules:

All works must be tagged correctly (nsfw, triggers, warnings, etc.)

No harmful content: no racism (including whitewashing), homophobia, transphobia, sexism, etc. This does not include works that apply these themes as issues in their worldbuilding, e.g. a work that has a character struggling with internalized homophobia but does not itself support it would be allowed.

All NSFW content must be between adults only. No sexualization of minors or relationships between adults and minors will be allowed. No pedophilia or incest.

You must be 18+ to submit/ work on a NSFW piece.

Multi-chapter is allowed; the first chapter must be posted by your posting date.

Minimum word count: 5,000 (but you are welcome to go over that if you would like).

All art must have an image description.

Do your best to adhere to the schedule. Please communicate with your team and the mods if you are struggling or need any extensions!

#zukka #zukka big bang #zukka fanfic #zukka fanart #atla #atla events #zukka events

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real-total-drama-takes · 8 months

Note

i know someone previously sent an ask warning about this person, but seeing as their posts are getting more and more popular within the fandom i wanted to send another reminder. i know this is a blog for silly discourse and takes, but i wanted to send this where a big portion of the fandom would see it. (for mod courtney: if you feel like this is too heavy to be posted or you just dont wanna post it for any reason that's fine! i understand why you wouldn't want something like this on the blog.)

TRIGGER WARNING FOR suggestive content pedophila and racism @/ scepterno (also known as sugarandmemories or metrix-86) is a proshipper, shotacon, and has a habit of whitewashing and drawing racist art. they were previously in the total drama fandom i believe around 7 years ago? but they've made a comeback and have made a lot of ale/noah art and a fic which has gotten them some popularity but a lot of people don't know about the really shitty things they've done.

they tend to whitewash noah a LOT in their art. you can try to excuse it by saying they just put a filter over their art or something but the fact its been multiple times is worrying. their older art of cameron is EXTREMELY racist, it was a few years ago but ANYONE should know better than to draw a black person like that.

they also sexualize children a lot in their art. they have pages of fanart for a rwby character who is 14 years old, drawing him in suggestive clothing and posing, and shipping him with an adult. i don't know anything about rwby so i can't say much besides that, but it's very disgusting knowing they're a grown adult and draw children like that. they have drawn fanart of other fandoms, shipping a child character from it with adults as well. their weird obsession with sexualizing CHILDREN is disgusting.

below is an image compiling a lot of the gross things they've drawn. all of it is still up on their blog, for anyone to see themselves. please block this person and stop interacting with their posts, and let people who have reblogged their posts know about the inexcusable shit they've done.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1108237426683547661/1143629571518894260/scepterno_callout.png

#total drama #td noah

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pretty-weird-ideas · 9 months

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Trauma Porn vs Representing Black Struggle in IWTV

TW: Domestic Violence (Focus) Rape (mentioned 1x)

Spoilers for the IWTV AMC Series

I think a lot of the distraught or incredibly positive reactions to Episode 5 of IWTV’s ending from black fans is because of the noticeable lack of genuine representation of black IPV let alone black queer people facing IPV at all. So not only was the scene without a trigger warning and absolutely out of nowhere (with of course the obvious foreshadowing and Lestat’s abusive behavior setting it up) but it was something that has barely been done for mainstream genre TV.

So as a black fan, seeing violence towards black people (trauma porn) is certainly not new to me... but seeing black queer people’s stories focus on IPV is something that I haven’t seen. It leaves me incredibly conflicted in ways that cannot be transcribed.

Genre TV, media in general, and even reality has an obsession with whitewashing (pun unintended) IPV towards black people unless it’s specifically meant to degrade us and utilize racist stereotypes. Rarely ever does IPV towards queer black people get spoken about in real life, let alone in fiction. So for a story to just be for real for a hot minute about that topic is both disturbing and jaw dropping.

I oscillate between “I can’t believe they would ever put this on TV” and “I’m so glad that they made this a plotline because nobody talks about this,”. IPV perpetrated by white people towards their black partners especially from a historical context is not talked about. And it certainly is not the focus of period pieces or literature as often as it should be.

This is even being taken away from us TODAY in history books; centuries of rape and domestic violence from the slave trade to Jim Crow is being censored RIGHT NOW. This is not isolated behavior.

And to see white IWTV fans sidestep this entirely back during the final stretch of season one to complain that having Lestat (who canonically abused Louis in other ways) assault Louis somehow ruined LESTAT’S character and THEIR SHIP. While completely sidestepping what themes they were intending and got across (you know like genuine media literacy) and the onscreen brutalization that happened without warning is disgusting.

Being able to cherry pick quotes and argue about whether or not slapping is “DV” is not only gross but it’s just not media literacy. That’s literacy... like good job bestie you can read! But it’s certainly doesn’t mean you have the range or comprehension to understand the intended themes of Episode 5 at all. And until white people begin to understand the nuances of being a black person being abused by a white person who holds power over you, it’s going to continue being out of reach.

It’s one thing to dislike it’s inclusion, because I also agree. But I’ve noticed that The Great Lestat Discourse TM has become the discussion rather than the perspective of how white supremacy aided in perpetuating domestic violence and the choice to show gory and unflinching physical abuse without a trigger warning.

White fans being disingenuous and asking Louis to fade into the background until Lestat (the white character) becomes the focus for TVL. While constantly mocking and ignoring the concept of IPV towards black people makes the point for me as to why this was an interesting and purposeful direction to head in. IPV is so ignored that when IWTV includes it, fans went out of their way to argue whether or not their favorite white boy would DARE TO DO THIS, and not why the writers did this and what they were attempting to say. IPV and queer victims of abuse are so ignored that after this happened people started making posts talking about APOLOGIZING TO A FICTIONAL LESTAT for writers “slandering” him! Discussions about abuse in interracial relationships during Jim Crow are so far ignored that people started to publicly doubt that actual domestic violence in interracial relationships existed at all! So badly that the writers had to come out and say that they wouldn’t make Louis “not the victim” when recontextualizing episode 5.

#interview with the vampire #iwtv #amc iwtv #TW:abuse #TW:Rape

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cannot-rest · 1 year

Photo

Ashley Williams Appreciation Week 2023

From April 9-15, this blog is hosting Ashley Williams Appreciation Week 2023 in honor of our girl's -135th birthday!

Create posts for Ashley Madeline Williams - photomode fun times, gifsets, edits, visualosities, aesthetics, picspams; fanart; fanfiction, meta, headcanons; fanmixes/playlists; fancasts; rec lists; videos, anything you like - with the tag #AshleyWeek2023!

And I mean anything. If you have a delicious recipe that you think Ashley would enjoy or make, I wanna hear about it. If you are pressed for time and/or low on inspiration and all you can manage to scrape up is a two word text post saying "Ashley cool", I want you here.

Rules

Be positive: No character bashing nor pitting Ashley against Kaidan nor other characters

Be cool: No bigotry of any kind against real people (warn for fictional bigotry) nor whitewashing

Be polite: Respect your fellow creators and different ships, put NSFW or long content under a cut, tag common triggers

Optional themes

9th - "It's not in my files or something?" | Background: Ashley's cultural, religious, or just pre-comics/games background

10th - "... magic-sparkly-hearts-and-stars feelings." | Emotion: Angst, fluff, love, hate, whatever gets the big feelings going

11th - "Right behind you, Commander." | Shepard: Ashley's relationship with Shepard, be it platonic, romantic, adversarial, whatever (in honor of Shepard's birthday on this date)

12th - "I cannot rest from travel: I will drink life to the lees..." | Poetry: Ashley's love of poetry

13th - "It's in my blood." | Tropes: Call-backs, only one bed, MacGuffins, all your faves

14th - Date of Birth: April 14, 2158 | Birthday: How would Ashley celebrate her birthday?

15th - Free Day!

Optional prompts

Your favorite thing about Ashley

Favorite scenes

Favorite quotes

Favorite personality traits

Scene/moment that you fell in love

AUs

Crossovers

Alternate submission, since Tumblr tags can be wonky

@tag @cannot-rest, or

Submit a link to your post

Spread the word, feel free to ask questions, and have fun!

#ashley williams #mass effect #mass effect legendary edition #mele #mass effect trilogy #bioware #dailyvideogames #gamingdaily #dailygaming #dailygames #videogamewomen #gamingladies #gamingnetwork #AshleyWeek2023

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horsetailcurlers2 · 7 months

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do you have any headcanons about reginas upbringing with cora and/or her relationship with the king? i know it can be a sensitive topic on here but imo theres no way they both didnt abuse her in some way shape or form

yes i very much do and they are all objectively awful and sad. i’m a bit hesitant to answer for a couple of reasons. the first reason is that i definitely have an idea of what she went through in my head but to write it out is very different than to just have it in the back of my head when i think of or read anything about her character. the other reason is that my headcanons aren’t anything new. they’re all things lots of other people have thought or written about. however, i do have thoughts so i will try my best. TRIGGER WARNING for child abuse, marital rape, and mentions of eating disorders.

-cora was abusive. hands down, there is no ifs, ands, or buts. even from what they show in the show (it’s an ABC sunday night family show. when it comes to the especially dark topics, they are usually vague or just stick to heavily implying things), we see her manipulating and gaslighting her daughter, being extremely controlling and critical, and physically restraining her in aggressive and violent ways. i think cora was definitely physically abusive- she often used magic instead of her hands because she rarely wanted to mar regina’s beauty.

-i can see her doing things like restraining regina when she was very young if she ever “misbehaved”. i have an image in my mind of little regina being tied to a chair and forced to endure hours of etiquette lessons. cora probably would direct painful bursts of magic at her if she ever misstepped. she’s definitely struck regina before- probably mostly slaps. but she probably would heal the marks with magic (besides maybe the lip scar but i don’t have one solid headcanon about how she got that)

-regina definitely grew up hearing the philosophy that children should be “seen and not heard”. she rarely got to do anything childlike. maybe she was allowed to play with dolls or indulge in dress up games if cora was in a good enough mood to ignore her for the day, but cora probably started telling her she was too old for things like that when regina was around eight or nine.

-regina was probably also very isolated as a child. she rarely socialized with other children outside of rigid balls and parties. she spent most of her days with private tutors or learning how to be a “proper lady”.

-image is extremely important to cora. the only thing cora truly valued about regina is her looks. this has resulted in an complex about her looks even in adulthood. the regina we see in the show is clearly a person who values her appearance. even as the evil queen, she presents a very carefully curated image to the world. if there is one thing that cora has beat into regina, it is that appearances matter. she rarely likes to be seen without makeup and she is very particular about her outfits.

-i also think this contributes to a complex about her intelligence. her mother was always belittling her and calling her a “stupid girl” and her so called husband never had any interest in hearing what she had to say about anything. this is part of why magic is so seductive to her- she can prove that she is more than just a pretty face. (i also have dragon queen headcanons about mal being one of the first people other than daniel to be interested in her intellect)

-i also believe that cora was probably cruel to regina about her darker complexion and would make her wear light makeup and powders and avoid staying out in the sun for too long. same thing with her hair- she taught regina to dislike her natural curls. she always had to iron them out straighter or reshape them into more “perfect delicate ringlets” (like snow’s hair), or hide them with braids. this all feeds into a fucked up whitewashing thing cora definitely perpetuated.

-and her body. especially as she got older, cora was very strict about what regina’s body was supposed to look like. she was supposed to be beautiful and desireable to male suitors, which in cora’s mind= thin. cora would control what regina ate on a daily basis and essentially had her on a starvation diet. i definitely headcanon regina as having issues with eating just based on a few comments she makes in the show and one line in “regina rising”. even as an adult, regina can still hear cora’s voice in her head when she eats or looks at her body in the mirror. to cora, regina’s body has always been a commodity and it has to be maintained like one. this is a very very hard mentality for regina to shake.

-i have very complicated feelings about henry senior. on one hand, he was the only loving presence in her life for a very long time. on the other hand, he was never strong enough to protect her- not from her mother’s abuse and not from being sold off to a fifty year old man. i think that although he was the thing she loved most, she also resented him a bit deep down. (side tangent: i think regina has a deep seated complex about single fathers because of this. like, look at her issues with jefferson, hansel and gretel’s dad, and owen/greg’s dad. it’s almost like she is punishing them all for not being able to protect their children). and he felt a lot of guilt about never intervening until it was too late and she was consumed by darkness- i think he was in a way resigned to his death. he didn’t fight that hard against her killing him because he felt like he was finally making a sacrifice for her happiness or he was paying some sort of penance.

-the king. ughhhhhhh. okay i have made a few posts before about how creepy king leopold is but let’s just state it very plainly: that man raped her. what business does that man have marrying an 18 year old stranger? she looked visibly distressed when he proposed. there is no way he thought she was super into it. “snow needs a mother”?????? one that is barely eight years older than her?? when she has a perfectly good nanny taking care of her. no, that man has a thing for young girls (just look at eva in those flashbacks) and he wanted a beautiful young wife to warm his bed.

-this is horrible and dark, but i believe regina’s wedding night was her first sexual experience. as much as i would have liked daniel to be her first time, there’s almost no way she would have gotten away with it when cora kept her on such a tight leash.

-he treated her like an ornament. he dressed her up and paraded her out to balls and parties only to ignore her all night and dote on his daughter. if cora treated her like a commodity, then leopold treated her like a doll. something to entertain snow during the day and to entertain him at night.

-snow of course was ignorant to all of this darkness until many years later. she thought she had a very happy childhood with her father and stepmother. this is part of why she has such a hard time reconciling her kind and loving stepmother with the cruel and evil woman who wants her dead.

-regina learns early on not to refuse him. that it is easier and less humiliating if she lets him have his way. i can’t even describe how awful and traumatic i think her wedding night was.

-i really don’t know if he would have been physically abusive in other ways. i think he had an inflated ego and probably bought into all the people calling him a “kind king”. he thought that he had a right to her body and she was the one out of line for not happily obeying him. but i wouldn’t be surprised if he got physical with her in other ways, considering the way he canonically locked her up in her room and read her diary.

-his is the one murder she will never regret.

-she likely had long lasting trauma surrounding sex. after the end of her marriage she is so consumed by her rage and thirst for revenge. she gorges herself on the freedom of finally having control over her own body for once in her life. this is a big part of why she goes so crazy as the evil queen.

-i personally think that regina never really thinks of her marriage in terms of what it was. like, she knows she hated it and leopold was awful and disgusting. but she never attributes the word “rape” to it al until many many years later. she still has it ingrained into her mind from her mother and her husband, that she was his wife and it was just her duty. she doesn’t even fathom that it’s possible for a husband to rape his wife. i think she eventually goes to therapy or one day she is watching something on tv and they talk about marital rape and something just shifts within her. suddenly she feels so vindicated. she can finally put a name to it. for years, she thought she was being dramatic and that rape was something that happened with strangers and not within a marriage bed. it is both terrifying and incredibly cathartic to finally name what she went through.

ugh i’m sorry to end on such a sad note. regina has gone through way too much (obviously this doesn’t absolve her of all the evil she has done, but it definitely explains a lot of it and nobody should have had to go through all that).

#regina mills #ouat #once upon a time #fuck you cora!!!#fuck you leopold!!!!#she was a baby #sorry if this isn’t as well articulated as i would’ve liked. i’m very tired lol but i saw this and got fired up #i’m writing a character study of sorts in which regina goes to therapy if anyone is interested #tw: abuse #tw: ed mention

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penvisions · 9 months

Text

the melting point {chapter 11}

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Baker! Reader (ex EMT! Reader)

Summary: You share the hardest parts of your path with Frankie and offer understanding to his own.

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: narcotics, recreational use of narcotics, addiction, recovery, nicotine, cigarettes, mentions of smoking, descriptions of injuries, blood, gun violence, brief description of a shooting scenario, readers past is revealed, medical jargon, trauma, ptsd, ptsd triggers, reference to use of alcohol, alcohol used as a coping mechanism, emotional vulnerability, kissing, Frankie’s skilled mouth, baking puns to lighten the mood??

A/N: HEAVY CHAPTER!! please, please proceed with caution, while the chapter is balanced it is very emotionally heavy. i do not take anything described in this chapter lightly, having been a victim in a school shooting myself at a young age, i still carry it with me to this day and it affects how i feel about crowds and small spaces. readers past is something i’ve had to deal with but thankfully there were no deaths in my experience.

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist

Frankie was seated at a booth in an empty diner. He had been sitting there alone for hours, staring into the mug of black coffee the waitress was kind enough to refill before it was truly empty. After the third time, she had brought over a plate of toast, to help settle his stomach. It was late, well past midnight.

Midnight. Midnight.

He could’ve sworn he was supposed to be somewhere, but his mind was so foggy from the hours-long conversation he had with someone he had never thought he would encounter again. They had gone in circles, only to come to a mutual understanding of what happened. But it still didn’t take any of the emotions away; if anything it had brought them all back to the surface. There was so much pain, remorse, regret, weakness, desperation filling him to the brim and his mind had flowed out along with what he couldn’t handle. Down the river and into the whitewash that was the rapids of his life. One mistake after another, one bad move after another…

‘I just…I kinda like you and want to see where this goes beyond today?’

‘I’d be up for that, because I kinda like ya too.”

“Fuck!” Frankie stood with a jolt, rustling the table in front of him with the movement. He took his wallet out and fished out a bill, threw it down on the table before he peeled out of the diner.

A shuffling sound roused you from your deep sleep, but your eyes were still too heavy to open. You lifted your head from where it rested on your arms atop your pillow. You had collapsed onto the bed on your stomach, hips canted up slightly as your legs spread in a way to relieve tension on your injury and you had scrunched a pillow underneath your arms and laid your head atop them. Your hair was loose and long around your face, fanning out over your bare shoulders. There was the sound of the cats chittering at someone and you lifted your head up more to peer through the open bedroom door. You saw the shadow of someone standing in your living room through bleary eyes.

The shadow moved a bit and the bill of a cap was visible. You deflated back into the mattress, knowing you were safe, and sleep curled its tendrils around your mind and pulled you back under. You hummed into the quiet as you felt warm arms wrap around your middle. One had moved underneath you, brushing the bare skin of your chest in passing as the other laid gently on your back. You felt a nose nuzzle into your hair, near your neck and a gentle kiss was placed there before a head rested on the pillow beside you. Legs carefully situated around yours, skin on skin where they touched just slightly.

“Lo siento, estoy aquí ahora, cariño.”

You were already too far down underneath the hold of sleep, a quiet murmur leaving your lips at the words before you were out completely.

Frankie lay there, down to his shirt and briefs. He cuddled around you as close he could without agitating your injuries or waking you up completely. Guilt and shame eating away at him in the darkness of your room. He watched the shadows of the cats as they jumped up and settled around you both for some sleep themselves. A sigh heaved itself into its chest and caught, choking him as he realized you felt good in his arms. You were good. He was good with you. You were good together.

The sun was just beginning to rise for the day, casting gentle light into the bedroom where it seeped in from the other rooms of your space. Frankie lay awake, his mind not letting him fall into a slumber that was really sleeping. He was watching the way your lashes fluttered as you dreamt in your sleep, you had been snoring lightly, though he was sure you would deny it should he feel like he could tease you about it. Words and apologies and reasons flitted across his mind, mentally exhausting him as he had no clue what to actually say to you once you were awake. He had seen the bottle of vodka, emptied, on the coffee table. He had seen the bottle of your pain medication next to it. The smooth cursive of your writing turned messy and illegible to him on a notepad beside them both, recipes and ideas for the bakery scribbled out in your altered state.

You had numbed yourself in his absence.

Because of his absence. When he had specifically promised his time to you.

But it had been the page that had been torn out and crumpled that worried him the most, thrown in what he could only picture was a moment of overwhelming emotion. It had been on the floor, beside your dead phone, halfway under the coffee table. The words ‘I’m sorry’ scribbled all over the page, filling it until there was no space with overlapping letters. The words of Tom echoing in his ears, ‘Kids tend to end up in graves around her’.

Frankie worried his bottom lip between his teeth, his heart stuttering and his chest getting tight when you shifted in your sleep with a tiny huff. Your face scrunched up in a rather adorable way before a sneeze racked your body. What wasn’t adorable was the spray of blood that resulted from the sneeze. With a rather loud groan you were opening your eyes and bringing a hand to pinch the bridge of your nose to stop any flow of blood that may follow.

“Fuck,” You shimmied from the blankets, oblivious to the man beside you. Frankie had moved away from you in the night, especially when you had begun to shift a lot, seemingly unable to get comfortable. You were rushing to the joined bathroom and Frankie averted his eyes at your naked form. He wasn’t sure were you stood, where he stood….

The sound of the water was a quiet hush that allowed him to recenter. The blood spotting his face was cold, the spray of it causing unwanted memories to blip in his mind but he pushed them down. He was safe in your room, safe in your bed, safe with you. He startled when you called his name, bringing him out of his thoughts.

You watched him from the doorway to the bathroom, arms pulling on an oversized t-shirt. He could see the flash of tan lace you had pulled up your legs to cover yourself and he felt a strike of arousal. You slowly made your way back to the bed, sitting gingerly on the edge of it, eyes on him the whole time.

Your face felt weird from the sneeze and your mind foggy from the night before, but you were sure you weren’t hallucinating the handsome man in your bed. The one that had stood you up for your date last night. Your heart was torn between being angry that he had made such a big deal about showing you how serious he was about this then bailing and wanting to melt at the prospect of him using the key for the first time and slipping into bed with you.

You didn’t say anything as you leaned over him a little, placing a hand on his chest to balance yourself as you reached over with a damp washcloth and wiped the blood from his face with the other. Your skin tingled where your hand rested on him, despite only feeling the heat of him through the shirt. His eyes tried to catch yours but you ducked your head as a deep blush rose to your cheeks. You were about to pull the washcloth away from him but a hand came up to grasp your wrist gently.

He didn’t say anything as he brough his other hand up and notched a finger underneath your chin to tilt it up. His brown eyes caught the light and turned amber in the morning sun, causing your already fast heartbeat to pick up at the sight of this beautiful man in your bed. His eyes were worried, as you chanced making contact with your own. You could feel tears race down your cheeks as you watched the emotions swirl in the brown depths. You were overwhelmed, your own emotions a whirlwind.

“Tell me you didn’t change your mind,” Your words were whispered, your fear of breaking the moment all too real. Vulnerability winning out against the anger and worry and had turned into hurt. Tears continued to fall, your face growing hot with them and your breathing beginning to shift into a weird staccato as you tried to keep yourself together. “Please tell me, Frankie, please tell me you still want me.”

When he was silent for a beat too long, you were ducking your head, eyes clenching shut and you drew in a shuddering breath. You had never felt so willing to ask such a question, for once you didn’t dwarf your needs and worries in favor of someone else. You’d reached your melting point and you needed to know if redemption was possible. Because you wanted it, by god did you want it, to be redeemed and feel like you were worthy of good things. Of being good with the man who made you feel like you hadn’t in a long time. To be wanted by him just as much as you wanted him.

During a time past, you might consider this pathetic, but circumstances change. People change you, people become more important than coming across as weak and vulnerable, the love you have for people changes you.

“I need to-“

He swallowed the rest of your words as he kissed you, his tongue delving into your open mouth and tangling with your own. Both of his hands came to cup your face, his fingers light on your cheeks and you melted into him. You kissed him back fully, taking what he was willing to give. Worried it was fleeting.

When he pulled back, he had tears of his own shining in his eyes.

“Of course I want you. Oh, sweet girl, you’re one of the only things I’ve ever wanted this much.”

Your heart swelled at his words, warmth flooding your entire body and making you feel wanted. But his actions had wounded you, brought up feelings of inadequacy, and while realistically a part of your brain knew it wasn’t intentional, it did send a message. It did lend to facts that had to be faced, questions that had to be answered. For both your sake.

“Then….then why do you make me feel like you don’t?” You couldn’t look at him, gently leaning back from him, your hands wringing in your lap. Frankie sat up from the pillows, reached out and pulled you to lay along his side. It took a minute for you both to get comfortable, his right arm around you as you leaned heavily into his side with your head resting high on his chest. His hand traced up and down your back smoothly, comforting. “I understand, please don’t mistake that, but…I just, I just need reassurance and I know that’s too much for some people and I-“

“No, no, sweet girl. It’s just that…I’m bad at this, I realize that. But please don’t let it make you feel like I don’t want this.” He sighed, jostling you with his breath. “I know words are just words, but querida, I really do care about you.”

“You stood me up, I called and texted and felt so foolish.” You hid your face in his chest, smelling the scent of him that was a combination of something woodsy and warm. Reminiscent of early autumn hikes in the forest, it smelled like home. “I feel like a damn fool, Frankie…I waited up for hours, wondering if you were okay…”

“I wasn’t okay. I’m still not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, sweet girl.”

“You will be, you are.” You reached a hand out and gripped his free one that had been resting on his middle. You intertwined your fingers with his own, his hand dwarfing yours. You worried your bottom lip between your teeth as you contemplated your next words. Not wanting to make him feel seen or that he was transparent with the things he was hesitant to share with you. “Recovery isn’t linear.”

“…you know.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, an understanding. He knew that you knew. You knew about the parts of him that he tried to hide and cradle in his own hands, that he tried to resolve in the form of swapped vices and managing triggers. He worried for a second, panicked really, that you were about to tell him that it was something you could help him with. While it would be appreciated, he didn’t want to drag anyone down with the gritty details of what exactly he dealt with.

Of course you knew he was in recovery, you had seen it enough times out in the field, with your friends, with your family. His triggers, the smoking having replaced some other vice, the way his nose would twitch when he was agitated, the way his fingers would tap when he was anxious. The meetings he wouldn’t tell you details about, the way he was hesitant with certain foods, with certain places. The way he devoured anything sugary and inhaled fruit anytime it was in front of him.

All signs of someone fighting a battle that would take the rest of their life to overcome. You had been present and a part of the recovery when the battle was lost, both on the clock and off…

“Frankie, I was an EMT for a decade. I didn’t want to pry because you hadn’t said anything, and your business is your own. I’m not one to shoulder their way into anything, I’ve been humbled beyond comprehension on that, believe me.” Self-depreciation saturated your words, turning them bitter in your mouth. You weren’t brave enough to glance up and peak at Frankie’s expression, but you felt him tense up as you lay against him.

Your name sounded in the air, bathed in a tone you had yet to hear from him. You tensed at it, not sure what was going to happen next.

“It’s not an excuse. I was getting you flowers down the way last night when Alexia’s mother approached me. Didn’t even know she was still in town after all these years. She spooked me to hell and back, my mind went blank. Nothing was anything and before I knew it, I was running.”

“Frankie, you don’t…”

“I do, I do have to. I want to. I want you to know.”

You pushed your cheek into his chest, hiding your face. Not sure if you were ready for what he was going to say. Would she want to be a part of his life now? Would she want to see her child? Frankie’s daughter was only someone you interacted with once, but you weren’t willing to share her with the woman who walked out on her. You weren’t willing to experience the heartbreak it would bring Frankie to share her.

You listened. You took what he wanted to say and you held it close. You grasped it and kneaded it into yourself the way you worked bits of chocolate and fruit into dough. You folded the hard pieces of him into yourself and took them on, helping to soften the burden of them. You gave them a smoother edge so that he could handle them easier.

He explained the last night he had her, what her name was. He explained the challenge of attempting to raise Alexia together and get clean at the same time, how it was easier for him to let go of the substance than it was for her even throughout her pregnancy. That she never seemed genuinely excited at the prospect of their child and what they created together. He told you how he had offered her his hand in marriage and how she had said no.

How determined he was to be a good father, to provide everything for his child. To offer her anything she might want or need or even think about in her life, how he wanted to be able to give her the time he had to devote to work in order to prove to her.

“Our bill was settled when I dropped her off yesterday.”

Your hand had been tracing patterns across the fabric of his shirt stretched over his chest. You fingers stilled for the barest of seconds before continuing their movement but you were aware that he caught the action. There was a question in his words that you knew was aimed directly at you, he was looking for confirmation of a hunch he had. You hummed a curious sound, knowing you weren’t fooling anyone.

“Thank you,” He murmured lowly, his chin resting atop your head for a moment before he laid it back against the pillow.

“…I wanted to.” You spoke carefully, unsure if you had stepped over a line. “You said you were worried about the bill and how she was so excited. That you didn’t want to let her down and her miss out on being away with her whole class.”

“She drew you something, we brought it the other day before everything hit the fan. I brought it with me, it’s on your fridge.”

“She’s sweet. Thoughtful like her father.”

“She’s a lot of things I’m not too. And so genuine in them. So understanding and forgiving, so easy going. So eager to try new things and to get out of her comfort zone.” He fell silent. You could sense he was thinking something over. He clicked his tongue before his next words. “I told her about you. About liking you and taking you out on a date.”

“Oh?” This curious sound was genuine. You felt your heartbeat quicken at his words, nervous.

“She was so excited she wouldn’t have to give up treats from the bakery because I would be dating someone else and was sure you’d be upset about it.”

“She is smart. I would definitely cut you off from treats if you dated someone else.” You quipped, words holding no real heat as you chuckled at the stern look you pictured her pinning him with as they talked this over. He huffed a quiet laugh.

You listened as he told you how he lost his license, due to his addiction. How it scorned him to this day that he let it take such control over his life and how sometimes it’s all he wanted still. You were quiet, letting him get it all out, not pressuring him with comments and thoughts you had in response. How he worked so hard to get it back and took every class and course they offered him to keep up to date with protocol and regulations, so he could keep flying the way he always wanted to.

You cuddled closer to him, trying to melt into him as he talked, offering him comfort in a quiet way as spoke. His voice would crack every so often as emotion got to be too much for him. He would clear his throat and hold your back firm so as to not jostle you too much when he did so. He fell quiet and you both just took the moment for what it was, not saying anything as you both processed the steps you were taking together.

“Tell me.” You felt his arm tighten around you, pulling you closer to him. A kiss was pressed to the top of your head. Followed by another and another, his facial hair hushing against your curls as he rested his face there. “You know about my worries. Tell me about yours. About what Tom was talking about, please. If you still want to, I’ll listen. I’m here, I’m with you, I’m trying. You have me.”

“You…you won’t like me anymore…”

Your name was a whisper, a plea.

“You, um, you heard the nurse mention a shattered hip?”

“I did, you were so overwhelmed, and I was not having the best day so I didn’t ask. I don’t like I’ve ever faced so many goddamn triggers in the same day as yesterday, but we’re focusing on you right now. You are important. You mean so much to me.” His hand trailed down to grip your waist, warmth seeping into you underneath it. It gave you the courage to continue, his quest reserve calming you. “I hadn’t wanted to get into anything heavy with both of us so worked up. I know better than that now, too much experience with doing the opposite.”

Quiet enveloped the room for a moment, the both of your just laying with each other. The morning sun rising and bringing light to the new day, revealing the world much the same way you were both revealing things about yourselves to each other. Memories and emotions flooded you, and you tried to concentrate on the best wording to explain the worst day of your life to someone who wanted to help you bear the weight of it.

“It got shattered when I got hit by a round from an automatic assault rifle. I was the first on the scene of a shooting and had run into the shooter in the building. I think we both startled each other. But he had the upper hand to my pistol.

He, uh… he was young, maybe late teens? I don’t even remember that now, it was about six or so years ago now. But I remember what he looked like, what he was wearing, the expression on his face…the blood splatter that marked his entire body. The squeak of his shoes as he ran down the halls of the building and stalked from room to room, leaving bloody footprints in his wake…

It was a school, an elementary school. I don’t remember the motive, I don’t remember the time of day the call happened, but I remember feeling the fear and anger emanating off of him, the heaviness of the air all throughout the building, it was suffocating. It was terrifying. I remember how warm the blood was as I tried to stop the bleeding on more than five children, only successful with two of them…

They were so panicked, they had been so scared, so worried about their parents and friends not knowing they loved them…. asked me to save them, to help them, but I couldn’t. Those guns do so much damage, they do too much damage to fix. I- I tried, I did everything I could, and it wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough, all of my training and all of my experience and I couldn’t save those kids while they begged me and pleaded with me to help them. It doesn’t matter how many people I had saved until that point, I had failed them, I didn’t do my job. I couldn’t do my job.

I was put on medical leave for the duration of my recovery, the shooter passed away during his. My shot had been placed well, but it had taken too long for him to succumb to it, allowing him to fire shots into two more classrooms before he collapsed. I needed multiple surgeries to repair my hip and ended up getting a replacement a year down the line. That’s why I don’t bear as much weight on it, it’s…foreign to have something so vital taken away from you and replaced in the wake of such an emotional tragedy.

I lost more than just a part of myself mentally that day, but physically as well. And it’s a constant reminder every time it twinges, or I feel the dull ache that never seems to quite go away.

I was put on suspension pending two investigations that went to trial. One from the shooter’s parents for wrongful death and one from the parents of one of the children I couldn’t save for failure to administer appropriate medical treatment. I got harassed and blamed for the death of the shooter who had done the killing and then called a killer myself. I had been painted in the same light as the shooter, as if I was the one that pulled the trigger and fired on those innocent children.

Everyone was looking to place the blame in the wake of his death. And it landed on me.”

You were crying, tears dampening the fabric of Frankie’s shirt. You felt your bottom lip trembling, sure you had stuttered over words and that your voice was an octave higher than normal. Your hands were shaking too, but Frankie had on in his grip and was holding it firm, his warmth seeping into you, grounding you as you shared with him the worst chapter of your life.

Your ears burned in the silence that followed your words. All you could hear was the blood rushing in your veins and the faded memories of gunfire. The gunfire hushed and was replaced with quiet murmurs of consolation from the man cradling you. Frankie pulled you carefully over to lay atop him completely, both of his arms wrapped tight around your frame. His chest was rising and falling in a way that mimicked yours, telling of the tears he was fighting back. You buried your face in his neck, hand going to rest over his beating heart to ground you.

Your name fell from his lips as he buried his own face into your hair.

It was hours later, you having trusted the shop to Louise for the day. You had baked enough stock for her to get through yesterday and today, business picking up enough to warrant double batches of everything. You had an untouched Sunday paper from the past week on the kitchen island, secured underneath the leather journal you kept all your recipes in. You admitted to Frankie over getting coffee brewed that you were afraid of reading the blurb that had been written about your bakery in the article about the first summer farmer’s market. The second had gone as well as the first. You had more applicants, more business, more interest in the things you created and were willing and happy to share with the world.

He carefully pulled you into his arms and leaned against the counter, the sound of the coffee pot brewing turning into background noise. You had been feeding the cats their dry food, their chittering and meows filling the air in such a domestic way. Your back was warm against his chest and he reached for the paper to hold it in front of both of you. He read the words printed on the pages to you, his lips close to your ear as he did so. The praises printed in ink felt were comforting coming from his lips, his smooth voice giving them life that you refused to give them yourself. He placed the paper back down on the counter and made sure it was safely tucked back so as to not get ruined. His arms came back around you and he spun you so you were facing him.

He was about to say something but you leaned up and captured his lips with your own. Your hands coming around his shoulders. Before you could register where his own were wrapping underneath your bottom, he was lifting you to carefully set you on the island. He leaned into your space, delving his tongue into your open mouth and pulling a moan from your chest. His fingers trailed featherlight paths across your skin underneath your shirt. Sparking warmth and tingles in their wake.

You took a moment to catch your breath before you mouthed at the hinge of his jaw, tongue trailing the shell of his ear. You placed sucking kissed down the column of his neck and revealed in the feeling of him hardening against you where he was pressed to you as closely as possible. He vocalized his appreciation at your attention, his hands continuing their exploration and coming to thumb at your nipples.

You arched into him even more, a gasp smothered into his heated skin.

“I’m falling for you.”

All you could do was hide the wide grin that broke out over your face in his neck, tightening your arms around his neck.

“I’m going to take you against this counter and then again in your bed. We’re going to go to the store to get stuff for dinner and I’m going to take you back to mine. Where I’ll take you again and again until you’re satisfied.” His words rumbled in your ear, causing pleasure to settle between your legs and you tightened your thighs around his waist, grinding yourself against him.

“I’m going to show you just how much you mean to me, over….and over….and over again.”

He kissed you deeply, again and again until the coffee was finished brewing. He stepped away to ready two cups and handed you one. He watched as you cupped both hands around the ceramic, taking his own in one and bringing it up to sip. He reached out and trailed his index finger along the front seam of your underwear as he bracketed himself back between your dangling legs. Your eyes widened and you whimpered into your cup at the pleasure that sparked. Legs opening more as he pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Just enjoy your coffee, sweet girl. Let me take care of you.” He was placing his own mug back down on the counter. Watching the way you watched him as he lowered himself to his knees. He leaned close and licked a hot line to mimic his finger just seconds before. His large hands gripped your waist and pulled you closer to the edge of the counter, his tongue hard and flat against the front of your underwear. He looked up at you, seeing the way your fingers were white where they gripped your coffee. He pulled away for the barest of seconds.

“Drink, sweet girl. And I’ll do the same.”

previous chapter || next chapter

taglist:

@tanzthompson @clevergirl74

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justgifs · 2 years

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MILLY ALCOCK GIFS

by clicking the SOURCE LINK, you will find 546 gifs of milly alcock in house of the dragon. all gifs were made by me and are for roleplaying purposes only.

YOU MAY NOT: save them to your computer, repost, claim as your own, edit in any way, include in gif hunts (though you are welcome to link back to them) or use in crackship gifs.

DO NOT USE MY GIFS IF: you have me blocked, you’re an adult roleplaying a minor, you whitewash/racebend, you write in smut, taboo, slave or in real life celebrity roleplays or partake in plots that include, but are not limited to, abuse, incest, assault.

please REBLOG this post if you use any of the gifs or if you find them useful, to help get them out there! if you appreciate my resources, please consider buying me a coffee! you can find the link to my ko-fi (justgifs) in my page.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: fire, eating, drinking, blood, food, kissing, sex, partial nudity

#milly alcock gif pack #milly alcock gif hunt #milly alcock gifs #rph #gif pack #gifsociety #period fc #periodfcnetwork #gifpackshq #gifhunthub #fcxdirectory #*mine #mine: milly alcock

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zukkaweek · 1 year

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General:

Zukka Week will be from 22nd -28th of May 2023

Each day will have 2 prompts - one more general, and one more specific. You are welcome to choose one, or combine both. You are also welcome to post one consecutive work, using the prompts accordingly (e.g. a fanfiction or art piece with 7 parts, and one part per prompt, with an ongoing story.)

Rules:

Please do not post any submissions to prompts before its assigned day (you can stick to your time zone though). Entering a submission at a later time than its day is fine.

Any medium is welcome! - fic, art, edits, crafts, etc.

No whitewashing (lightening skin tones, giving characters white features, erasing their cultural identity, etc.)

No racism, no misogyny, no transphobia, no homophobia, no ableism, or any other harmful content/ tropes.

Tag any and all potential triggers and use appropriate ratings/ warnings on AO3 (if applicable.)

Include an image description for any visual works and audio transcripts for audios and videos. Here is a great resource for writing IDs.

Add a readmore if posting a fanfic on tumblr. Here is an explanation for the how & why.

NSFW is fine as long as characters have been aged up to be 18 or older.

How to submit your work:

Use #zukkaweek2023 and tag @zukkaweek on tumblr so we can reblog your work. We will be looking around for zukkaweek content, but please make it as easy as possible for us to find you.

Add works to the AO3 Collection (voluntary)

If we haven’t reblogged your work 24 hours after you’ve posted it, please reach out to us in an ask or private message! Tumblr’s activity feed probably ate it alive, so we didn’t see it. We’ll reblog it as soon as we find it.

If you have any questions, feel free to send us an ask!

#zukkaweek2023 #zukkaweek23 #zukkaweek #atla #avatar the last airbender #zukka #zukka art #zukka fanfic #zukka artists

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just-late-roman-republic-things · 5 months

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By the way, if you want a better picture of what life under slavery really looked like, I highly recommend Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass and Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs. Both are autobiographies of abolitionists who survived American 19th century slavery. Obviously it's a different culture/laws from ancient Rome, but I think the experiences of dehumanization, abuse, violence and fear would translate to Rome just fine.

Every trigger warning applies to these books. They can hurt to read, especially if you've experienced abuse or rape. But I am glad I read them. They're valuable as a counterweight to people trying to whitewash history.

#jlrrt speaks #book rec #narrative of the life of frederick douglass #frederick douglass #harriet jacobs #incidents in the life of a slave girl #slavery #racism #slave narratives

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the-patchwork-girl-of-oz · 7 months

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⚠️trigger warning for racism⚠️

Even though I love wicked the musical, I am a bit bothered how they whitewashed the black male lead who was like, the one black character even though the whole musical and book were a metaphor for racism. And not only that but most of his personality doesn’t come from him.

It comes from Averic.

Who said this about his skin and the paint he wears.

#wicked #wicked the musical #wicked the book #wicked the movie #averic tenmeadows #fiyero tigelaar #fiyero tiggular

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anachrosims · 7 months

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I'm so tired of this "baby-proofing" of the internet and pop culture. And no, I don't consider warning for sensitive topics/words to be baby-proofing.

(Warning: Mentions of common trigger words below.)

Can't say words like death or sex or suicide-- can't say swear words-- can't post even tasteful nudity or sexual content, much less all your niche fetishistic things-- without worrying about the banhammer or being censored or having your content removed. And yet, we do need content moderation-- within reason. A balance needs to be struck between legitimately harmful content and everything else.

There is no easy answer to this. Bots do not solve the problem of weeding out things that are uploaded with ill/harmful/illegal intent and there are horror stories out there (feel free to look up what human filters go through on YouTube) of actual people gettiing rapidly burned out because of having to weed out the millions of GB of absolute shit being dumped online every hour. This is nothing to say of content that helps spread inflammatory rhetoric and misinformation but is not outright graphic--and where the line on that is drawn varies from person to person. A robot cannot make a call on all these perfectly and neither can a team of people due to the sheer volume.

The last ten years, I've seen this spread into online culture where people are increasingly unable, unequipped, unwilling (or all of the above) to address more tough/sensitive topics in a productive manner.

What it comes down to, in my opinion, is corporatization of western culture (speaking for the hemisphere I live in and am most familiar with). The "corporatization" of culture has been going on for a long, long time, it's true. But at least for a time, the internet was a "wild west", a pocket of culture and subcultures that wasn't monetized, commodified, sanitized, and whitewashed for mass marketing appeal--it's easier to reach the widest audience if your content is bland enough to be palettable to the lowest common denominator.

It's been upsetting, to say the least, to watch the rapid sandblasting of so many things I love--including, but not limited to: Video games, social media, online spaces in general.

The only way I can think to effectively fight this can be summed up in one word: Education.

Read books. Take free/cheap courses on media literacy from reputable sources. Look up effective ways to communicate with other people. Learn how to debate and present arguments and how to listen, in turn. Try to learn how to stop yourself when you're getting emotional about anything and ask yourself: Why am I upset about this? What will flying off the handle do? Am I justified in speaking out? If I'm justified, is this really the time/place to speak out? Learn how to hold your tongue--not because of other people but to protect yourself and your mental health from overextending and from bringing eyes on you when you aren't ready for those consequences. Learn to read and speak in good faith.

All of these things take consistent practice. Culture can't be changed overnight and neither can you, but how those changes start to stick is by all of us practicing and changing over time.

We don't need to put up with the sanitization of our world by people who will be dead in a few decades. Gen Z and Millennials and even Gen X have already had so much stolen from us; I don't want to see them take it all. We have to build our own world brick by brick in the crumbling remnants of the past and that vibrant and good place starts with educating ourselves and each other.

#stfu elizabeth #not sims #kind of sims???#tl;dr #long post

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