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#a mental breakdown bc what do I do without hurting the other person bc I love them both so much and couldn’t bear to see either of them ups

thecatspasta · 2 months

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Inspired by @arrgh-whatever's post on helping ppl with BPD

Edit bc I forgot to add this: Being vulnerable means smth different for different ppl, something that could read as being vulnerable to you can read as just another Tuesday for someone else

[ID: a simply-drawn comic, narrated by a person coloured-in in pink.

Panel 1: The pink person narrates: "So there's a lot of "signs your ex is a narcissist and how to deal with them" and it's not very accurate. So here's how to actually "deal" with a narcissist from someone with narcissistic personality disorder."

Panel 2: This panel has the heading: "1. Supply." The pink person narrates: "People with NPD have very fragile self-esteem, and supply is what keeps us from having a mental breakdown. Supply can be many things, but often attention and praise are effective. Stuff like "Wow! That's super cool!!" can go a long way." A person is shown saying this to another person, who smiles.

Panel 3: This panel has the heading: "2. Criticism." The pink person narrates: "Oh boy. So narcissists take things as personal very easily. It's because if anyone contradicts our delusions that we have built our entire self-image on, it feels like you are attacking us as a person." There is an example shown, where one person says "hey, you were a bit too rude back there," but the other person hears "You're an awful dick no-one likes." The alternative manner of phrasing is suggested as "Hey, you were a bit too rude. You're cool, but some people took it poorly." The second person in this example thinks "I'm still a cool person. It's not my fault, but I can do things to be better." The narrator continues, "We don't really understand the concept of a harmless mistake."

Panel 4: This panel has the heading: "3. Boundaries." The pink person narrates: "With narcissists, setting down strict boundaries is very important. 1. Knowing we have hurt you because you didn't set down boundaries can really upset and annoy us because the delusions that we can do no wrong and know you best get broken. 2. If you let us break boundaries, it can lead us to see you as "weak" and devalue you. Communication is key."

Panel 5: This panel has the heading: "4. Anger." The pink person narrates: "So people with NPD tend to be prone to anger. This is a defense mechanism, because to us, it's either facing the inaccuracies of our delusions and having a mental breakdown, or blaming something else. We do not mean to lash out; we just don't have the skills to cope properly. You can help by: 1. Letting us express out emotions without judgement; 2. giving us praise or attention; and 3. Distracting us from what angered us." Each example of how to help is accompanied by a small cartoon.

Panel 6: This panel has the heading: "5. Other NPD things!" The pink person narrates: "'Love bomb, devalue, discard' is actually: we are genuinely obsessed with you and want you to recognize us as cool, we lose that obsession and move on, we feel threatened in some way and lash out. We can't really handle being seen as vulnerable. We take sympathy and empathy as pity and pity as you telling us we're weak. Not acknowledging we're being vulnerable and acting as if nothing is wrong can be helpful in these situations. People with NPD have a very warped view of reality. We do not mean to hurt you and often do not realise we have. Remember, this won't work for everyone, and talking is very important."

/end ID]

Ty to @aromanticsky for the id

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yangbbokari · 8 months

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Philiphobia?

Pairing/AU/Trope: Lee Know x gn!reader, Strangers to friends to lovers, Non!Idol AU

WC: 1.2k

Warnings: just a bunch of mental issues, emotions, and insecurities

A.N: Just a little drabble bc I've been a bit more emotional lately☹️😓 and I need to make up for all the series I have not been getting out to y'all🤭

For as long as you could remember, you were scared. Of not would people would usually say, like spiders and snakes. In fact, those things intrigued you. What really made you terrified, was love. Your upbringing didn't help it either.

The love between your parents seemed so pure and loving. That's what you wanted. You wanted a love like your parents'. Your hopes and dreams were to be shattered though. Soon after your 11th birthday, all hell broke loose. Secrets were unvieled, revealing the lies and flaws between this so seemingly perfect relationship.

Your mother had been cheated on throughout her whole 20 year relationship with your father. Your father would try to manipulate your mother into thinking it was her fault. He was exetremely controlling and narcissistic. Also very hypocritical. Screaming and crying fits in the middle of the night left you restless. Mom would run away from home every chance she got until she eventually completely left your life after signing divorce papers. If not everyday, every week, your dad would remind you that you're the reason your mother left.

From there stemmed all your mental illnesses and psychiatric disorders. Attachment issues, abandoment issues, commitment issues, and trust issues. Depression and anxiety were at high. Difficulties with expressing your emotions.

At first, you didn't really notice it. To you, it was normal. Until you saw the way other people acted and it seemed different. Different than you at least.

You craved the love and the attention. But when offered it, you pushed it away and chose to turn from it. You wanted someone to take you into a long embrace yet, you would distance yourself. You wanted someone to tell you sweet words and praise you yet, they were like poison to your ears.

You wanted someone to love and to love you. It wasn't as easy as you thought though. Your feelings were not something you knew how to deal with.

Everytime you fell in love you'd confess without missing a beat. Only to be turned down. When you weren't turned down though, you didn't know how to show your love. You'd shy away. This only made you hurt the person more than loving them. So they'd leave.

Your fantasies were filled with friends to lovers tropes. They were never to be fulfilled though. Because you knew, those people that you fell for, would never like you back. So you held back your confessions. That wasn't easy either. You'd get attached quickly but too scared to commit to an actual relationship.

You wanted to be married with children in the future. But for you, you were so sure you'd end up alone. You didn't know how to deal with the feelings of love. You didn't want to. It was too hard to understand. And that only resulted in you distancing yourself from other people.

This made it harder for you to form a deep connection or bond.

That was until you met Minho. He was everything you dreamed of. He understood you in ways no one else could. It wasn't easily shown, but you knew. You knew of everything he'd do for you.

He was kind, caring and patient. Others knew him as cold and arrogant. But to you, he was almost an angel.

When you'd have your emotonal breakdowns, he'd stay by your side. He wouldn't hug you because he knew that was difficult for you to do. So he'd wait by your side and gently hum a song he knew that comforted you. He also knew, his presence was enough for you to calm down. He'd hold you by your shoulders and nod his head. He knew, it wasn't easy for you to tell him. Tell him of how you felt and what you were gong through. He'd let your shuddering breaths explain instead.

You met Minho during your first year of college. He was known as the ice prince. A very good-looking guy with a heart made of ice. That wasn't good news to you, so you stayed out of his path. It was a good startegy until one day, you accidentally ran into him at a store. You happened to be working as the cashier while he, a customer.

From then on, he'd attempt to get closer to you. But it wasn't as if he was being cocky and all over your space. He'd just show up and bring a gift with him. Eventually he found our socials and dm'd you. Your friendship quickly jumpstarted. Before you knew it, you were in love. But, of course you wouldn't tell him. So he told you instead. Like previously stated, he wouldn't say things outright. That being said, he slid a note into your pocket while hanging out.

When you found it after you got home, you were more than thrilled. That was the beginning of your relationship and two achievements fullfilled.

☑️Friends to lovers~ ☑️Love

Over the course of your relationship, Minho would help you cope. As you did for him. He had always paid close atention to your likes, dislikes, habits, and feelings. That made your bond grow stronger everyday. More things were checked off.

☑️Attention ☑️Deep connection or bond

Whenever you'd make a mistake he'd tell you that it was just a learning experience and you could do better next time. Whenever you did amazing, he'd tell you how proud he was. Everytime you'd do something specal for him, he'd remind you how thankful and lucky he is to have you. Everyday he'd leave notes all over the house just to tell you how much he loves you.

☑️sweet words and praise

Now there was only one thing left, marriage. You were already happy enough. In fact, you wouldn't be upset if Minho never chose to marry you. But Minho did that for you too.

On university graduation day, Minho knelt on one knee and proposed to you. That day was the happiest time of your life. Of course you agreed. How could you not? The kiss the two of you shared was passionate but soft. Everything was falling into place perfectly. A year and a half later, the wedding was held.

You walked down the isle together, grinning from ear to ear. Vows were made and rings were exchanged. Minho was just as stunning as always. There was nothing more you could ever ask for.

☑️marriage

By now, it's your 3 year anniversary and he took you to a cat cafe. How cliche of him. Having 3 cats at home already clearly didn't suffice. But Sooni, Doongi, and Dori didn't mind.

☑️Children

All that you've dreamed of since you were a child came true and it was all thanks to one person in particular, Lee Minho. He is your beacon of light in a dark tunnel. He is your only shelter in a raging storm. He's your big shady tree on a hot summer day. He's the wings that have carried you this far after you've fallen down. He's the one you love.

As you lay in bed, you turn to him and he turned to you. No words were spoken but it was clear what was being conveyed.

"I love you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A.N again: hope you guys enjoyed pls leave comments or tell me if I need to make adjustments to my work since I'm still a rookie at this. But have a nice day/night everyone!!!😊🫶🏻💖💗❤️

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peachesofteal · 1 month

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RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!

as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA

your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3

"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)

i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.

going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”

“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”

SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA

im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!

also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao

the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.

i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american

i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️

I loved reading this! I adore you.

I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.

The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.

I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.

Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!

10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.

#peaches asks #frogladder

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thiswontbeforever · 2 years

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TW// sh & s*icidal thoughts, anxiety, depression

okay idk if it’s just me bc i haven’t seen anyone else really mention it & pls let me know if i should delete this but was anybody else watching s2 and really noticing that darkness edvin was talking about in wille?

first off the anxiety, depression, & dissociation he experiences is heartbreaking. i mean we saw s1 the constant anxiety, coping mechanisms, & the more physical & violent panic attacks (& maybe a form of sh with him hitting his head/pulling his hair) but the display of his anxiety this time is very different (picking his nails instead, the mouth movement thing edvin mentioned) and ofc not being able to breathe (still with the collar & ties) but it’s all even more repressed than s1. i mean it was heartbreaking bc he really doesn’t have anyone to lean on & he knows he needs to use his role as crown prince in a way he never wanted to in order to get what he wants & so he’s trying to keep that facade together, separate himself like erik (supposedly) did, & even w/ going to the school therapist he’s not actually addressed his anxiety much w/ anyone. i mean him actually throwing up this season, the anxiety taking over his body AGAIN, it’s such an intense and draining state to be in and edvin did an incredible job of adapting wille’s anxiety w/ the new situation. additionally, the scenes where he’s so out of it, literally looks just empty and blank…had me a mess. as much as i hate certain scenes, thinking about wille’s mental health & heartbreak i really do understand (it’s like simon asking “why can’t i just fall in love with him (marcus)? - why can’t i get over this? everyone says it’ll get better so i’m just being dramatic right? why does it still feel like this? what if i could feel it with someone else? desperation from both of them to try and feel anything other than what they do after it all, without each other, feel something close to what they had. it’s the whole point - they cant. they only had what they had because it was them and moving on is more miserable bc everyone involved has a different motive, different expectations, and are all using each other to a certain extent. trying to prove something but all they prove is what exists between simon & wille is real, and right, & cannot be recreated or replaced). okay i got way off topic buT -

back to wille’s state of mind what i was getting at was that darkness was truly there & i genuinely kept waiting for him to possibly hurt himself or really allude to suicidal thoughts. (there were a few lines where he did say just like i feel like i’m gonna die (?) i think it was) & with that true hollow look he had in so many scenes i wouldn’t have been surprised if those ideations were brought up. i never thought wille would actually do that or that that’s where the story was heading, but i just mean that i GET what edvin was saying. it’s darkness of anger, revenge, regret, and wille’s entire mental state where he genuinely feels like it’s never going to stop hurting or get better because he’s lost the one person who gave him hope. that scene where he goes to the like fence in front of the lake (?), listening to music, and then felice comes…i mean flashback to wilmon at the lake, how cold the water is then as a joke, a tease about august (?)…but in this scene it seemed like wille had been just standing there for a while before felice came & i really had this feeling of just disassociation & maybe unconsciously him thinking about the temperature of the lake…not like seriously but i hope what i’m trying to say makes sense.

i just think it was brilliant writing and acting to show how bad the position wille is in really was for him & have him finally start to open up in therapy & with felice & simon.

that being said…

where the fUck was my simon breakdown. (i know we saw a BIT in the last episode my poor baby 😭 he looked absolutely devastated & broken but god like !! i wanted more especially after trying to distract himself with marcus & everything uh. i’m glad he had his song but then !! they took it away)

#young royals #edvin ryding #omar rudberg #wilmon #yr s2 spoilers

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backgroundcharacterno15 · 24 days

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2, 10, 19 & 21 for the ask game :DDD 💜👹🐴

Yippee tysm ●v●

Gonna kinda use both Mutsuki and Ranmaru here bc they both fit the bill as a muse (apollo didn't quite do it here for me) and as the traumatised tboy swagger

2. is there a song that reminds you of your muse?

Yeah there's quite a few actually (if my spotify were to get a life and stop playing up I'd drop it here) but as of rn the one I'd associate with him the most is probably just take my wallet by jack stauber. His songs are really weird in that they go from being perfect and catchy beats to full scale mental breakdowns and it's difficult to think of one part without thinking of the other too. This is kinda how both Mutsuki and Ranmaru look to me.

10. talk about your writing

I've always been more of a world building and narrative driven kind of person. For me, the plot comes first and then the character's feelings come second (I don't value them less by any means it's just easier for me to think this way). If I do write anything character central, it's more often than not angst. I much prefer to show happier and fluffier emotions through my art than anything. I always get the feeling I'm either under or over describing things and it makes writing without constantly editing impossible. I'm far too scared to post any writing as of right now but when I do it would probably be one of my narrative driven pieces even though they're much less popular.

19. describe love

To deeply cherish and care for someone else. To feel the need to protect them and save them from what hurts them. To take any chance possible to be by their side but also to step away and watch from afar if necessary. Wow I ran out of ideas much quicker than expected no this isn't kinda based on homura akemi wdym

21. do you believe in extraterrestrial life?

I was about to say "have you seen me??" and then I remembered that no you haven't in fact seen me. To clarify I unironically look like the berd emoji IRL. Like it is ridiculously obvious that I have opinions on aliens

But to answer genuinely, I'd say yes. At one point, water was discovered on the surface of Jupiter's moon Europa. Since water is the only thing that keeps othe planets from inhibiting life then it's entirely possible for life to be living near the surface of Europa. Chances are though that as of right now that life is probably in the form of bacteria and other single cellular organisms. I don't doubt that if this bacteria is in fact real, it will eventually evolve into its own fully functional ecosystem in millions of years time. Who knows? Maybe one day they'll inherit the earth after us.

tysm for the ask and I hope you have a wonderful day ^_^

#I rambled sm when talking about my writing lol #there's like an 80% chance yall already knew about the alien thing tho bc this was massive a couple years back #trying to answer that question on love made me question a lot of things about myself and amatonormativity #in my defense I'm cripplingly aroace and most definitions of love don't apply to me

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princeescaluswords · 2 years

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Hello, idk if you've been asked this before, but what do you think of the relationship between Melissa and Deaton? I know they have very little interaction with each other, if any, throughout canon, but they're both pillars of Scott's life. Do you think they might have a behind the scenes relationship at all? Like, would they talk about their concerns with Scott, especially after Melissa finds out Scott's a werewolf, considering Deaton is an emissary and a healer and Melissa takes on some supernatural knowledge in order to heal (like the four herbs)? Could they have developed a professional relationship along these lines, bc yes Argent does know a lot but he's a warrior before he's a healer? Idk you always have very good insights, so what do you think?

I would love to imagine that Deaton and Melissa have developed a behind-the-scenes relationship where they get together over coffee from time to time to discuss Scott, but I cannot bring myself to believe that it would happen. I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but when creating my own headcanons (and that is what this is) I try to confine myself to what I can logically extrapolate from canon itself. In other words, I have to base these things on characterization and evidence.

So, in the end, I just don't think that Deaton and Melissa would get along. I don't think they would hate each other, but I see them having, when it comes to Scott, fundamental differences. They both love Scott, of course, and they both believe in him, but when it comes down to it, I think Deaton does a better job at parenting Scott than Melissa does.

Shocking, I know. Yet, I don't think it's arguable that after the end of Season 2, Melissa appears to be emotionally disconnected from Scott as a person. She obviously cares about whether he lives or dies, she comes through when she happens to be present for a crisis, and she is always depressingly available to lecture him about responsibility and leadership, but beyond that her attitude toward her son is one of disengaged confidence, i.e. "He'll be fine." In the two instances when he has emotional breakdowns that don't require immediate action (such as the end of Ouroboros), she is silent.

Think about Melissa in comparison to the other parents during that time period: the Sheriff (ugh), Chris Argent, Natalie, Dr. Geyer, Mr. and Mrs. Yukimura. Melissa only gets involved with the supernatural when there's a medical component or it comes at her. Compare Melissa's behavior (or lack of it) when Scott is kidnapped in Season 4 to the Sheriff's behavior in Season 3B. There is no 'where the hell is my son?' scenes; we don't even know if Melissa ever knew that Scott went to Mexico either time. Melissa never expresses anything remotely similar to Noah: "Father. Son. You don't take care of me; I take care of you." There's no scene where Melissa talks to Scott the way Natalie or Dr. Geyer talk to their children about events beyond their control, things like Allison's death or Rafael's absence or Peter's Bite. When we try to find something to compare the Yukimura family dinner in Galvanized (3x14) there is nothing to because Melissa never interacts with Kira, not even while they are in the same room in Silverfinger (3x17).

It seems to me that after Season 2, Melissa seems uninterested in Scott's girlfriends, his grades, or even his general mental health. It doesn't influence her actions. She doesn't express hate towards Peter because he terrorized her son, but because he flirts with her. She doesn't react to Jennifer threatening her son at all. She cozies up to Chris Argent without even a hint of awareness about how he treated Scott in Season 1. She doesn't smack the shit out of Stiles when he attacks Scott in the hospital corridor, as if she didn't restart Scott's heart with her bare hands not 24 hours before. And it's not simply confronting those who hurt him: she is so disconnected from Scott's life that she can't recognize that his strange behavior in Anchors (3x13) might be connected to the sacrifice even though she remembers Stiles having trouble reading later in the season. Let's face it: can you imagine any parent in the list above leaving their child home alone to bandage his own fatal wounds himself after an assassination attempt while they go take care of someone else's child? Only Melissa does that.

Instead, when Melissa acts, in Muted (4x03), Time of Death (4x08), Ouroboros (5x08), The Last Chimera (5x11), Sundowning (6x13), and Heartless (6x17), she always talks about protecting "our kids", sparing "our kids", etc., but she never once in those six episodes makes it clear that she's specifically motivated because Scott is involved. That's not a coincidence; that's a pattern. I think the ultimate expression of this occurs in Werewolves of London (6x17) when, in the hospital herself after a near-fatal shooting, she tells Scott it's not his fault, but then absolutely implies that it is his responsibility with "Don't run, you fight." Once again, can you imagine any of the other parents saying anything like that to their children?

You wanted a headcanon? Here's mine: Melissa is only capable of dealing with Scott's lycanthropy if she can frame it -- much like Stiles does -- in terms of him being a superhero. If he's like Superman, then he's always fine and she has no responsibility to act otherwise, right? So she doesn't worry about him. In fact, she makes it clear where the blame lies in Condition Terminal (5x04):

Melissa: I know that I can't be the Mom that says. "I don't want you to do anything about this." 'Cause you're always going to be involved, because not only do you have the power to do something, you care enough to do it.

While that's supposed to be praise, isn't it also very convenient? To her it's Scott own compassion that puts him in danger, so as long as he has a pulse, she's absolved of the consequences! And I just don't see Alan Deaton being comfortable with that.

Deaton is the only adult in Beacon Hills that looks at Scott and sees a teenager that needs support. He believes in Scott's potential as much as anyone, even more so, but he remembers there's something else there besides an alpha werewolf. In Raving (2x08), in Unleashed (3x04), in Currents (3x07), in More Bad Than Good (3x02), in 117 (4x02), in Orphaned (4x06), in Condition Terminal (5x04), he is aware and acts as if Scott isn't a superhero, but a young man with a life and hopes outside of saving people from supernatural menaces. Part of this comes from Balance, that he recognizes that part of Scott's virtue is that the teenager is just as important as the werewolf, and part of it comes from the fact that he simply cares for Scott without preconditions. Scott needs help and support, so Deaton gives it without expectation of getting something out of it.

So, unfortunately, I think that Alan would ultimately disapprove of Melissa's attitude toward her son, and that would preclude them from being close. It is my fervent wish that the movie proves me wrong.

#scott mccall #alan deaton #melissa mccall #teen wolf meta #scott mccall defense squad

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beemers-hell · 1 year

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is bones really innocent? seems like they only got off bc theyre well known in the fandom

(i will talk pretty extensively about self harm for this, fair warning!)

"innocent" isn't a good word to use for this, they were put on the spot for how they self harm and they weren't approached for an explanation before they were accused of liking pro/shit bullshit. If there's anyone who's gonna know what kind of person it actually is its gonna be me, I know for a fact that the reason it read some gross fics is so he could self harm by re traumatizing himself. I know Why he wanted to hurt himself because I know what fucked up shit he'd experienced shortly before which caused him to look for stuff to sh with. He's also already explained the kind of horrific shit he's experienced in his life that pushed him to read proshit stuff as a means to self harm in the first place, and I've already explained that I've been helping him to overcome that habit and try to do my best to help him heal from all that awful shit.

I'm not gonna defend a person that I've seen irrefutable evidence as being into proship stuff Or anything else gross like that, even if they're my partner or one of my friends, I don't fuck with that shit! I'm not gonna be sympathetic to them, I'm gonna be really harsh about it, but thats not the sitch here. Its done a very good job of wiping any possibility of seeing that content off of its feed, and not relapsing into intentionally seeking it out again. There have been MULTIPLE times where they had stumbled across gross proship stuff without trying to and they had what I'd describe as panic attacks and breakdowns over it, I've been with them when they happened and I've seen the kind of affect it has on them, it is no where near positive.

Don't get me wrong, its bad that he consumed that content, but it doesn't make him a bad person, he was using it to hurt himself. I know a NUMBER of people, from every corner of my life and the internet whether it be my irl friends, my online friends, people In this community and other places online, who have done the exact same thing to self harm, but I'm not going to say anyone I know who hurts themselves like this is a terrible person because they're not using it as something to get enjoyment out of. They need help overcoming habits that are damaging them further, and they KNOW thats what its doing. I'd be FAR less sympathetic if I knew they actually liked that stuff or they were making that shit themselves, but again, that's not the case here. Mental Self Harm is a very real form of sh and we need to recognize it as such!

I engage wirh this kind of thing, not by looking at proshit stuff, but ill do things like rereading old texts from people who severely hurt me, I'll read about the experiences of people whove experienced the same kinds of abuse as me as a way to relive it when I feel particularly unstable, I'll intentionally expose myself to disturbing fictional images or stories when I'm having a paranoid breakdown because I KNOW its going to make me experience delusions and put me in a very long lasting state of mental stress. we don't self harm in the same ways but its still self harm regardless, and it has the same damaging effect. That's what caused this and thats what were working on healing from.

#beemer asks

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unethicalexperiments · 1 year

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idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

#talking to myself #content warning for like. borderline personality disorder. i guess.#this is just a wall of text bc i wont go back to therapy no one feel obligated to open or read this

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noctomania · 2 years

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I hate this i hate this i hate this. I'm always wondering why i am always left out and then i get into these dark moments and it makes it all worse bc then im like this is why, nobody wants to deal with a crybaby bitch that is sad all the fuckin time but im sad all the time bc I'm fucking lonely and rejected and facing an existential crisis every other day that I'm stuck in a life i don't fucking want.

Like there is dysmorphia and dysphoria but what is it when what you imagine for your self and your life simply contradicts reality in every way? Am i living in a dystopia?

I genuinely want to be the fun person in my friends, i want to make people laugh and feel good and yes i want them to like me. Like me enough to be like "let's hang out!" I don't want to have to keep going out meeting people who are less enthused about me than i am about them. It kinda wears on the psyche. I don't want to set myself up for more and more rejection.

I'm just having a really hard time lately. The past few months have been hell. Losing my dad last year, losing my stepmom this year, losing my roommate (not to death she's moving in with her partner which what's the difference), having to kove in less than 2 months, and my back being entirely fucked I'm just so fucking defeated. I have just a few months left in this job then i would have been free.

But no. I'm fucking broken and stuck until ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and all i can do is sit on an ice pack pop pills and cry. I can't even clean my room. Layin on a mattress on the floor with goddamn hairball tumbleweeds blowin by. I just want one fuckin thing to be fixed. If i had to choose it would be my fuckin back. I can survive losing people I've lost plenty before. I cannot afford to lose myself. I can't give up my independence like this. I've worked so fucking hard to build confidence in myself to survive in circumstances that were incredibly shakey. It's not fair that suddenly I can't even cook pasta or wash myself. I'm entirely in self pity mode and i get that isn't attractive but I don't care. I want to be an entire fuckin baby right now bc what the fuck.

Why can't i catch a fuck8ng break? I have not cried so much since i was a child. Everything feels so unfair and i feel like i have so little control or power. I still sturggle to understand our health care system. It took me forever to get anfuckin MRI and nobody has bothered to call me to tell me what it looks like? They make me go through all that and I can't even get the job finished without waiting patiently for like 2 months? I don't wven know. And i know I'm not entirely innocent. Which also fucking hurts.

It's my fault my body did this bc I didn't treat it right it's my fault i didn't get to the doctor sooner it's my fault that I don't have answers about my mri bc i did cancel a recent appointment with my pt but idek if she would have read it. But where does it end bc it's not my fault this system is built to make me into a circus monkey or that i have to literally repeat my problems 15 times every fucking time i see a new practitioner even within the same fucking practice.

I'm fucking tired of life and I'm hoping i can stay stable enough bc having this mental challenge which i have so many painkillers hangin out is not a good combo. Maybe if i have a fuckin breakdown in the dr office they might actually fucking do something besides tell me to fuckin stretch.

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betweenthescarletmoon · 2 years

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Things I realized upon second watch of the batman 2022: [S P O I L E R S]

- Edit: had to add that i somehow thought nirvana's something in the way was non-diegetic music. Then he TURNED IT DOWN, it was diegetic after all, how I missed the biggest emo evidence astounds me

- bats takes 17 secs to pick that last letter bc he's afraid of rats (thought it was only a christopher nolan thing) (yeah I outed myself as a pretty casual movie watcher, tho one gets to dream to be a movie buff)

- he does not actually change clothes in two secs. He just throws on a rlly oversized hoodie and a helmet and calls it a day moto ride

- eyes are bloodshot to all hell after nights and nights of hud contact lenses and kohl in/around them, and no sleep

- jaw twitched when nashton said his real name in arkham

- the beginning holds a parallel for the end bc the victims and those who didn't wish to be criminals feared him the same as the criminals. in the end there is still fear until he actually becomes a protector and not an avenger. That's only when they feel safe

- batman only speaks at length with gordon and selina, while bruce only speaks with alfred. He actually sounds kind of normal too. With others he's submerged in silence, or speaking in a graver voice

- bruce felt completely hurt and invalidated by riddler in that last interrogation scene, but paralyzed bc he thought riddler knew who he was. He was trapped in guilt UNTIL he realizes nashton doesn't know the most hated and most idolized people in his eyes are the same person. This therefore frees bats from that frightened state straight to fury. Because he's triggered. And so he snarls back all the bitterness that nashton directed at bruce (esp when nashton regretted that they couldn't get bruce, when alfred almost died in that incident instead), and was almost maliciously cruel. Trauma ain't pretty fellas. We just witnessed an emotional flashback and THEN a breakdown from nashton. Riddler was at least right in understanding that both are very broken with skewed senses of justice. The difference is bruce learns. Edward does not.

- Bruce was at the lowest point when selina contacts him. He decides to see her only because he seems to be allured to her or to care for her, against his better judgement/bitterness/distrust/jealousy/whatever he feels that makes him lash out at her that scene. Perhaps it was also the guilt of what happened to Alfred that caused him to project. But what dawned on me was that he melts like BUTTER under her touch as she asks him who he is, because he was so lonely, especially without Alfred, and because the legacy of his parents was being questioned and unraveled, which was tearing down his entire sense of meaning and identity. Add in the attraction and touch starvation and mental illness and insomnia, and you see a broken man trying not to break down at a loving touch. Fuck.

- bruce tells her to take care of herself bc shed been trying to convince him she can the entire movie, how did that not sink in

- all the parallels of orphans, from martha, to mitchell's son, to nashton, to selina, to bruce himself. I love how suffering is portrayed in all of them, always valid, always showcasing how something so horrid destroys or hollows people out, and how while privilege makes things easier (for mitchell and the waynes) it never, never erases the trauma. To invalidate that pain simply bc one is white or male or rich is so tone deaf. I love that they handled that while also portraying that the systemic oppression of the poor, the women, and the poc is very real and needs desperately to be fixed, since it only causes retraumatization and less opportunity to heal (look at how maria kyle, annika, and almost selina died, strangled, by the same man. Selina didn't have much chances but to stay in that horrid place, she needed the money.)

- bats and bruce both ask "do you know who I am? [...] I wanna see [insert mafia boss]". These bouncers rlly couldn't put two and two together

- I believe the shock impact of the shotgun hurt him a Lot even tho the armor is bulletproof. I sincerely wondered whether he was wounded the first time, whether the bullets can penetrate slightly or completely upon such pressure

- sunsets and sunrises are showcased when hope seems to be involved. A promise of a new day. A promise right before the darkest hour where fear abounds. Even after the flood, because he's there, helping however he can, we see the sunrise. And when he and selina kissed the first time in the sunset, it was a window of opportunity to end a kind of loneliness for him

- finally, the obvious: i somehow didn't notice the first time, but the way Bruce winces at sunlight like the vamp he is, and cringes a failed smile at the ppl that call for him right outside the funeral the moment he leaves his car. GREAT acting choices rob

#the batman (2022)#the batman #the batman analysis #the battinson #the batman 2022 #batman spoilers #the batman spoilers #the batman 2022 spoilers #tbm spoilers #bruce wayne 2022 analysis #meta #batman 2022 meta

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nitw · 2 years

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would you like an excuse to nitw post i for the life of me canNOT understand the PLOT OF THIS GAME

that's fair! nitw's core story is intentionally vague and non-direct so i don't blame people for not immediately getting it. i'll talk abt it as quickly as possible bc i just woke up lol

the 3 major themes of nitw i feel are dealing with mental illness as a young adult, existentialism, and how capitalism takes lives in different ways.

while mae's official diagnosis is never revealed, the way she describes her experience at college is easily identifiable if you've ever been through a long-term depressive episode in your adult years. the thing about depressive episodes and other forms of mental breakdowns is that they aren't always rational. in mae's case, while a lot of it seems to stem from peer pressure and rushing into something she wasn't prepared for, she's not really able to grasp what's wrong with her or why everything is going wrong until it's already too late. i always really liked the whole "shapes" allegory when she talks about dissociation; how the world just started blending together one day, from things that used to make sense and have a meaning and an identity attached to them, into random shapes and colors that didn't mean anything.

now, the existentialist and anti-capitalist elements in this game might be harder to see if you don't know youre looking for them, because this is where the whole supernatural/demonic cult thing comes in. it also doesn't help that nitw's full story can't be experienced in just 1 playthrough, since some of the context is locked behind events, hidden locations and specific dialogue choices. i'll try to summarize lt:

BASICALLY: in the game's lore, there's an all-powerful demonic being called "the black goat". it lives down at the far bottom of a hole in the ground, discovered by local miners many years before the game takes place. it's supposedly the cause of sinkholes, floods and other natural disasters around town, as well as the shitty state of the job market and people being forced to leave their homes. certain people (including mae) have "heard it singing" and have been inevitably gravitating towards it.

during an especially tough period for possum springs' working class, the town's old mining community formed a sort of cult around the black goat, after discovering that it LITERALLY feeds on human sacrifices. though the cult made it a rule to only sacrifice people who "wouldn't be missed" or "wouldn't contribute anything important to the town".

this is all a huge metaphor for late stage capitalism, as an endless cycling of people suffering and dying for the sake of maintaining "order" in society, and how you can't improve on these conditions without getting to and destroying the (literal, in the game's case) core of the problem. and that might be a task too big for any person.

near the end of the game, mae has this big monologue moment where she directly confronts the black goat, and in turn, confronts herself and her own issues. she basically goes "yeah, this whole situation sucks and maybe nothing we do will ever contribute to anything on the grand scheme. but that's why i need to hold onto even the smallest things that give my life meaning, even if they're sad, even if they hurt." it's one of my favorite scenes in the whole game, and really ties everything together in a neat little bow.

TLDR; at the end of everything, hold onto anything

#asks #blckvelvetopia #nitw #night in the woods

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iamanartichoke · 3 years

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I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, but I may as well.

I keep starting to reply to things and then stopping bc the words just aren't there, and I suppose I figured out the core of what bothers me so much (and is making me have such a rollercoaster of a fan experience) about the show.

(cut for length)

It's not well-written. My opinion is my opinion, so I'm saying this subjectively, take it or leave it, but ... I feel that it's not well-written. The overall story is fine, and the plot is fine, but I don't know if it's because of the limited number of episodes not being enough to house the story, or because of the relative inexperience of the writer/showrunner+director, or both, or something else, but -

In an earlier reaction post to episode 4, I mentioned really wanting to sink my teeth into all of the subtext I picked up on. That was what made me initially enjoy the episode so much - there were a lot of little moments that I initially felt revealed so much about the characters and about Loki, and I wanted to analyze them. But at some point, as I gathered more information, my perspective changed and now I no longer want to analyze the subtext bc ... subtext = good. Subtext w/out payoff = not as good.

I'll go into more detail in a moment, but I think the tl;dr of it is that I feel like the narrative requires the audience to work way too hard to put together all of the moving pieces here and, like, I kinda just don't want to do that work? Not so much of it, and not in vain. A lot of the enjoyment of Loki's characterization is coming from fans who are rationalizing why he's behaving as he is, but the narrative never actually confirms those rationalizations. It's asking us to figure it out and maybe our conclusions will be correct but maybe they won't, though. At some point, subtext isn't enough without explicit follow-through.

I thought my issue was with the lack of character development - that is, not having enough narrative space to really earn the big things that are happening now, like Loki/Sylvie or Mobius turning against the TVA. And that's still true, to an extent; I still feel like the pacing is all very off and it seems like most of these things kinda came out of nowhere (but are not unbelievable - just undeveloped).

But, yknow, it is what it is, it's a limited series, and I can excuse some things. Ultimately, my issue isn't a problem with what the narrative isn't doing, it's a problem with what the narrative already failed to do and probably cannot recover from at this point.

The narrative has left out significant details that should at least help us do some of the work here. If a person turned on Loki and started episode 1 and had no background knowledge of the character besides that he tried to take over New York - how would that person interpret Loki? Would that person say, oh, well, he's been through X, Y, and Z, and plus A happened, not to mention B, C, and D, so really, it makes sense that he seems off-the-rails, or that he'd want to get ridiculously drunk at the worst time ever.

Maybe we'd like to believe they would, but how would they be getting to that conclusion? The narrative hasn't led them in that direction so, no, they would not say well we have to consider this, this, and that. It would be impossible to really understand Loki as a character from just what we've gotten in the series. The general audience would probably interpret Loki as being out of his element and so it becomes, I wonder how this character is going to get the upper hand here. And, while that's not wrong, it's just so limited.

The narrative at face value does not address Loki's identity crisis from Thor 2011. It does not address his hurt and devastation at being lied to, nor does it address how complicated his self-image is (bc it sucked to begin with and that was before he found out he was part of a race of "monsters," as he'd been taught his entire life). It does not reference Loki being so broken at the end of Thor 2011 that he deliberately let himself fall into the void of space (aka tried to kill himself). It does not reference that he was tortured by Thanos or even that he went through a seriously dark time in between Thor and Avengers, and it absolutely does not reference or address any influence or control of the mind stone.

These are all things that we, the fan audience, know because we've already invested our time into this character's story. But tons of people, the general audience, wouldn't know these things. Or if they did, bc they saw Thor and Avengers, they wouldn't be thinking about them as deeply as we would, nor contextualizing them with how Loki is behaving now, or why it would make sense that he needed to get drunk, or why it's understandable that he needs to keep going-going-going in order to not have a spare second to think or feel.

They'd probably look at Loki, again, as a character who was a villain and is now getting his comeuppance in a place where he has no power or control, and no literal powers, and even when he manages to escape and catch up to the variant, he proceeds to fuck up their plan for seemingly no real reason except that he wanted to get drunk bc he's hedonistic. Which Sylvie even berates him for! I mean. This is not exactly a complex character breakdown, nor a very flattering one, but that's what the narrative has given us.

(If the narrative has addressed Loki's mind control, his torture, his mental breakdown, his suicide attempt, and his general shitty self-esteem as a result of his upbringing, please point it out to me. If the narrative has explicitly acknowledged and referenced these things anywhere and I am missing it, please show me where. Please explain to me how the casual viewer would know any of these things that they need to know in order to actually understand what's happening in this story.)

So I mean, okay, we have a narrative that doesn't paint a full, accurate picture of Loki. Fine, sure. But because the general audience starts out on the wrong footing, they're not going to get out of the overall story what the writers probably intended them to. For example, in episode 3, a lot of us theorized that Loki had some kind of plan - that he broke the timepad on purpose, for some reason, bc otherwise it wasn't believable that he'd be such a failure. But episode 4 revealed that no, there was no bigger plan, Loki just plain old messed up. Which is fine if, again, one is only considering the surface-level portrayal here, but it's not true to Loki's actual characterization.

I mean. Loki is not perfect and Loki actually fails a lot, this is true. He fails for a lot of reasons, but incompetence has never been one of them. Usually it's that either things grew beyond his control, or there ended up being too many moving parts, or he had to change his plan at the last minute due to some roadblock or another being thrown his way, or even that he got in his own way - whatever the case may be for his plans' failures, he was always at least shown to know what he was doing.

That wasn't the case here. The "plan" to fix the Timepad failed as a direct result of Loki's actions, which were careless and made him seem incompetent, like he couldn't even handle this mission. "You had one job," etc. And there were pretty big consequences for this; they were not able to get off-world in time and would have been killed had the TVA not shown up at the last second.

And maybe none of these things matter bc the writers never intended any of this to be a reflection on Loki's character, positive or negative. The situation exists solely because the writers needed to put Loki and Sylvie together in some kind of hopeless scenario so that they could get closer, and thus the narrative could set up their romance. I get that - but, there were other ways to do it that didn't require Loki to look foolish.

Furthermore, the whole reason they needed to set up the romance is to show Loki eventually learning to love himself (like, figuratively but also literally). The audience is supposed to gather that Loki and Sylvie fell for one another, possibly due to the high emotional aspect of, yknow, being about to die (in addition to the variant-bond). The intent is clear: Loki and Sylvie almost die but get rescued at the last minute, having now created an emotional bond --> Loki and Sylvie team up and the narrative further establishes that Loki, at least, has caught feelings --> Loki might confess them but is pruned before he gets the chance --> he somehow survives, he and Sylvie are reunited and don't want to lose one another again, and the combined power of their love is enough to break the sacred timeline and spawn the multiverse, and the reason that the power of their love is so, well, powerful is because it's about self-love and self-acceptance as much as it is about having the capacity to love someone else. The end.

I get all that. The writers more or less said all that. And, I mean, it's certainly not the way I would have chosen to go about it, but it's a fair enough arc to explore. I don't really have an issue with the intent - but my question, however, is this: if the narrative has so far not addressed Loki's background issues (as outlined above), and has furthermore kinda gone out of its way to portray Loki as hedonistic and narcissistic, among other things (like kinda incompetent), and the context the audience starts with is that Loki's this villain who deserves what he gets -

- my question is 1, why should the audience care whether or not Loki gets to a point of loving and accepting himself (thus to make the theme of self-love, via the romance, hold weight) if they don't know that he hates himself to begin with and 2, why should the audience root for Loki to reach that point when so far the perception of him is that he's "kind of an asshole"? if he's a hedonistic narcissist, he probably already has a pretty inflated sense of himself, right? A misplaced inflated sense of himself, at that, because, again, the narrative has made him out to be not that capable of much of anything. (And it didn't start out that way! It seemed to start out with Loki being capable and intelligent but it's like episode 3, in trying to set up the romance, just jumbled it all up somewhere. I think this is why I'm harping on the Loki/Sylvie aspect so much - it's frustrating bc it kinda messes up the whole story and can't even accomplish what it's supposed to anyway.)

Anyway, that's beside the point. What I'm ultimately getting at is, at what point is the audience supposed to get invested in Loki's personal growth journey?

They can't, not really. Without understanding and having the context of everything Loki has been through up until now, and why he hates himself, and why it's so important that he learn to love himself, then the "payoff" becomes kinda pointless bc the significance of it is lost in translation. So suddenly we're left with this romance that comes off as either "Loki loves Sylvie bc of Reasons" (best-case scenario) or "Loki loves Sylvie bc he's vain, narcissistic, and kinda twisted" (worst-case scenario). Neither of these conclusions are what the writers intended or were going for, I'm positive, but there we are, regardless.

In order for the writers' intent in these storylines to land, they need to address the context of what makes these particular stakes high for Loki. So far, they haven't done that. They're asking the audience to pick up on all of these things, and they're showing things that subtextually make sense and are relatively in-character - but only if you realize there's subtext in the first place.

But you can't expect the audience to do all of the work for you. If you don't want the audience to think that Loki is a narcissistic asshole and instead you are trying to convey that, worst-case scenario, he thinks he's a narcissist but is an unreliable narrator, then you have to address that. If you need the audience to understand why you're going the selfcest route and why it's important to explore Loki's capacity to love himself and others, you have to address where that exploration is starting from and why it matters. Etc etc etc.

The narrative isn't doing any of that. And it isn't like it'd be that hard to do it. They don't need to reinvent the wheel here; a lot of the pieces are already there. A few lines of dialogue for context, a brief scene here or there addressing the issues, a little more care and consistency in how Loki handles things - these are all little things that could go a long fucking way in making the narrative stronger.

I'm rambling. My basic point is that my rollercoaster of emotions with this show is because

- as a part of the fan audience, not the general one, I can contextualize and analyze the subtext and come to the conclusions the show wants me to, and thus find the story and the characters more or less enjoyable,

- but I am also going to be using the subtext to come to conclusions that aren't there but probably should be (I think it would be a better story, for example, for Loki to confuse platonic love with romantic love bc it would pave the way to explore just how fucked up Loki's understanding of love - whether of other people or of himself, and the different forms it can take - actually is)

- and when they're ultimately not there, then I think, okay why am I bothering doing all this work just to ultimately feel very unfulfilled? They don't even have to write it the way I would, I'm not saying that, but they do have to do something to make the story feel rewarding.

If we don't get some confirmation of what Loki's been through, and where his headspace is, and why it matters for him to love himself, then the story remains pretty shallow and, for me, it's not fulfilling enough. It's not engaging enough. There isn't actually anything to sink my teeth into, so it becomes kind of boring. Maybe it's rewarding to other people, and that's great for them, but like - I need more than whatever this is.

So I'm just like - well, I had a lot of worries about this show, but my being bored wasn't one of them and now there's only two episodes left and am I really not going to get anything out of this, in the long run? No new canons, no new depths or layers, no new information on Loki's experiences? This is it?

I don't dislike it. I didn't start out disliking it, and I probably wont end up disliking it. I mean, there are a lot of good moments, and good things, and fan service-y things that I appreciate. As far as inspiration for fic goes, it's a goldmine, both plot-wise as well as aesthetic-wise. All of that is great. I don't dislike this show.

But I am disappointed in it, and I feel like I'll be watching the next two episodes lacking the sense of anticipation that would make it exciting. I'll still enjoy them, probably, if for nothing else just the sheer Loki content, but whatever it was I felt watching episodes 1 and 2 is gone and I'm sad about that, too. Because I really wanted to feel fulfilled by this series; I wanted it to fill up the void that Loki's death in IW created three years ago. And I just ... don't feel it. Maybe, maybe that'll change over the course of episodes 5 and 6. I don't know.

Everything that I end up enjoying long-term, I think, will come about as a result of my own interpretations and analysis and while theoretically there's nothing wrong with that, if I had known all I'd get out of this series was more headcanons or support for my current headcanons then, well - that's fine, I suppose, but I'll definitely a little bit robbed.

#loki spoilers #loki series negativity #loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #long post

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filterjeons · 4 years

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private show | jjk

✦ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

✦ summary: throughout your relationship, you never thought jungkook would ask a certain type of action from you. however, you take it into consideration...without the intention of him nearly catching you

✦ rating: M, not suitable for minors

✦ genre: smut

✦ word count: 7.4k

✦ warnings: dom!jungkook, sub!reader, tsundere!reader, rough & unprotected sex (wrap it b4 u tap it!!), dirty talk, degradation bc im a whore for that, masterbation, voyeurism, oral (f receiving), fingering, orgasm denial

Honestly, you didn’t know what you did in your past life to earn a man like Jungkook but you weren’t complaining one bit anyways. By just one look at you, people assumed you weren’t the type to have a boyfriend and you would spend the rest of your life alone. Luckily, you managed to prove them all wrong by being with someone who loved you for the way you were instead of your money.

It was a blessing and a curse to be born into a rich family of doctors who expected you to be the heir of the family hospital. Despite having your future already planned for you, you fell in love with playing the violin after being introduced to it when you were young. The feeling of holding the violin against your jaw as the bow ran across the strings to produce a classical melody that you’ve familiarized yourself with throughout the years.

You would much rather be at a violin recital in a beautiful dress playing one of Bach’s sonatas than being cooped up in your room studying biology. However, your parents didn’t feel the same way.

When you were about 6, you ranked second at a competition against tons of kids who were in their later-preteens but that wasn’t enough to prove to your parents how much you loved music. They took it as a sign of failure because “it’s not being first” and always used that argument against you to emphasize on how you have to be at the top of your class.

“Mommy! Guess what, I got second place! Second out of a bunch of bigger kids! I didn’t expect-” you squealed, kicking the back of the limo’s glass partition. Instead of candy, you were buzzing with excitement due to how well you placed in your county’s music recital. But what you didn’t know was that even a place close to first was never enough. “Why didn’t you get first?”

As those words ran through your ears, you felt your blood run cold and the eyes that were dancing of excitement and joy started to dull. You clutched your certificate tightly, tears starting to swell up.

“That’s because there was a sixth grader who was better than me and she was really good, she can play the piano-” “You see, if you can’t get first then you shouldn’t pursue a career in music. It’s too hard and competitive for you anyways. How about you focus on your studies, especially since you’re going to take over the hospital when you’re older.”

Up until last year which was your freshman year of college, you obeyed them by devoting your time to studying and only treating music as just a hobby while you hide your feelings along the way. Now that you think about it, you barely had friends during high school since every break period, you were always alone in the music room and you were too stubborn to go up to people. The only reason why you would talk to someone is to work on a group project but it ended up being that you would do all of the work while they slack off.

Everyday felt dull and uninteresting, especially since you’re being put in a fate that you don’t even want. But like some stupid cliche, it all changed ever since you met him.

You didn’t even intend to meet him, hell you barely knew he existed. But the night of your chemistry midterm, the apartment next to you decided to have a party which most of the school is invited to and blast loud music that could be heard from the next town over.

It couldn’t get any worse as you were already stressed from college and your parent’s crazy expectations and you were definitely not failing otherwise you’re dead meat. Normally, you would just try to sleep it out with earplugs but since you barely ate anything but coffee and granola bars and you were tired from the 24 hour studying, that was your last straw. So you did the thing a person would do in your situation: marching over to the party in your purple star-printed nightgown to give them a piece of your mind.

Already at the door, you could feel people’s stares burn into you, due to why you came to the party when you didn’t bother interacting with people and why you were in your pajamas. Maybe people were going to talk about you on Instagram but you didn’t care, you just wanted to ensure that you have enough sleep so you could at least pass.

Unfortunately for you, you must’ve looked extremely stupid because you were wandering around the same area like a drunk man. Random people did offer to get you a drink but you declined; after all it was a school night. Eventually you gave up trying to even bother talking after seeing the host, local frat boy Jackson Wang, surrounded by the rest of the partygoers in a beer pong game.

Frustrated and exhausted, you hauled yourself up to a seemingly empty room and collapsed onto the bed. Not only did you enter a college party in your pajamas but you wasted precious time studying over something idiotic like this. With all of these negative emotions inside of you, screaming inside a pillow was the first thing that came into your mind. And unfortunately, someone had to be the witness of your near mental breakdown.

“Woah, is everything okay?” a velvety voice chuckled, patting your back slightly. Well, another reason why your night is absolute shit. You turned your face up to chew off the mysterious person but for some reason, your voice was all caught up in your throat.

He was different, different from all of the boys that ever interacted with you. Despite you being a complete loner, the guys in your high school tried to hook up with you but you were never interested. They stunk of axe and the only reason why they’re “popular” is because they were on a sports team. Besides, you were too busy in your academics to even think about dating.

You couldn’t really see him but the guy who’s in the room with you looks better than every single guy in your high school combined: his long dark hair in a mini-ponytail contrasting with his cute bunny-like face.

“Wh-who are you?” “Jeon Jungkook. I’m a member of the boxing team and my family owns a records shop downtown. What about you?”

“I-i-” “Aren’t you Y/N, the smart girl who doesn’t talk to anybody and spends her time either studying or in the music room with her violin?” Thank god the room is dark because your face was burning up badly. Barely anyone knew you and if they did, they had bad things to say about you because you were so quiet and boring. However, what he said was a fact and you shouldn’t blame him for having an impression on you due to what other people said. It hurted nonetheless though, especially since he was a part of a sports team.

“Yeah, that’s me. What do you want? If it’s homework answers, then fine!” you snapped, immediately standing up and walking away. You were absolutely done with this night, all you wanted to do is sleep so you have some sanity tomorrow.

“You sure are feisty. It’s cute,” he said with a cocky grin stuck on his face. Oh, how you wanted to slap it off.

“If you’re asking me out, I’m not interested!” you fought back. Although you were one step out of the door, something about him made you want to stay. Like you wanted to talk to him.

“I didn’t say anything about that but if you want it that way-”

“No! I-I’m sorry for acting all rude, I’m just having a really bad night and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone,” you mumbled, turning on the light. Oh how it was a bad idea..

Now that you could really see his face clearly, your heart felt like it was about to explode. He was dressed in a simple all-black T-shirt and jeans with combat boots to match. What really captivated you were the tattoos on his hand and up to his elbow, each symbol and design etched out beautifully which must’ve taken hours.

Although you were at least wearing clothes, you felt exposed due to the stupid pajamas you have on. He somehow sensed your embarrassment and gave you a small smirk which made it ten times worse.

“Well, do you want to explain why you were screaming in a pillow earlier?” Normal you definitely wouldn’t spill her feelings to a hot guy she just met five minutes ago but with him, you felt safe. Like for one night, all your worries and feelings are immediately gone and it’s just you and him.

Was this the stupid shit they call “love at first sight”?

“My midterm is tomorrow and I can’t sleep from all of the noise so I came here to yell at the host of the party. Jackson Wang, fuck you and your decision to host a party today,” you sighed, settling yourself next to him. You would expect him to immediately laugh and make fun of you since it was something a lot of people did to you whenever you cared about your grades. Instead, he looked at you with understandment and listened to what you had to say.

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I went to this stupid party in the first place,” he replied, making you snort out a laugh. As you were trying to collect yourself from his statement, Jungkook’s mouth turned up into a small smile.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that. Anyways, I guess I should get going since I have a big day ahead of me,” you smiled, feeling a small weight being lifted off of your shoulders. As you trudge out the door, Jungkook’s arm stops yours for a second.

“Do you think I can have your phone number? Not for dating but you sound like a really cool person to be around and no offense but you seem lonely.” “Thanks for the compliment. But here you go,” you said sarcastically, scribbling down your phone number on a random piece of stationary in the drawer next to the bed. Maybe this is all a fever dream, maybe you’re hallucinating due to how little sleep you’ve gotten during midterm week.

“I’ll see you soon…” he waved you goodbye as you gave a final look at the door. He was interesting but now isn’t the time to be distracted! You’re pretty sure that if you pinch yourself, you’ll be back in your dorm since this is just a dream? “Also, d-don’t take it the wrong way! It’s not like I like you or anything! I just wrote down my number because you asked nicely! We’re never going to date!” Not only did you pass your midterm but your last line to Jungkook in the stuffy college party would become your famous last words.

It’s been years since you and Jungkook met at that party and a lot has changed then. You started to grow feelings and date him a few weeks after your midterm, eventually making the relationship official in a month. After a few months into dating, he introduced his parents to you first. They were a sweet family with amazing home cooked meals which you were dying to recreate and luckily, they accepted you with open arms.

However, him meeting your parents wasn’t that smooth. Now that you look back on that day, not only were you permanently deciding to be with the one that you love but it also felt like you were breaking free out of the shell that your parents trapped you in because you didn’t want to go down the path they set for you.

You shook your head to yourself, not wanting to be reminded of the painful past. Now, you were a violinist playing in recitals and companies and Jungkook was running his parent’s record shop. You were happy and you didn’t care about what your stupid parents think. They can simply ask someone else to run the hospital and it’ll still be fine.

As soon as the practice track ended, you turned off the metronome and packed your violin away. The apartment that you and Jungkook shared was average-sized, a notable difference from the mansion you used to live in but it was better. You were with the person you love and that’s all you could ever need. It may sound corny but a simple life with him was all you ever wanted.

After you pack away your violin, you impatiently wait alongside the door for Jungkook to get home. Right now, he has boxing practice for a match next week and he wanted to stay with his teammate Taehyung to be the best that he can but he’s stopping by for a day. You’re not into boxing but like the good girlfriend you were, you attend most of his matches (some conflicted with your performances) and cheer him on.

Although you miss having him by your side, you’re also aware of how much boxing means to him as it was a break from the hectic life of owning a music store. Another positive in your new life was the amount of music there was, a good break from the science and math that filled your childhood.

You heard some jiggling among the door locks and surely enough, Jungkook’s handsome face was in your view. He was wearing a black sleeveless shirt and some blue jeans, a very simple outfit after spending most of his time at the boxing gym.

“Hey baby,” he cooed, giving you a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

“Hi. I’m so happy you’re back, I was starting to worry that you forgot about me,” you joked, carrying his boxing bag to your shared bedroom with him tagging behind.

“You know I would never forget about you,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing the back of your neck. Instead of wriggling away like you normally do, you allow yourself to relish in his affection since he wasn’t a person who did it often.

“I missed you..” you mumbled, turning around and kissing him. He returned the kiss more passionately, slipping his tongue inside your mouth. The sudden action made you forget about everything, focusing only on him. Unfortunately, with your senses locked on him, it caused you to fall onto the bed, your head nearly hanging off of the edge. Jungkook used your weakness to have more control over the kiss and you, carefully grabbing the back of your head to deepen the kiss. Even though he always controls kissing you, his lips are also full of love and longing due to him being gone for too long.

“God I missed this,” he mumbled, breaking away to remove the buttons of your blouse and kissing the side of your neck. You whined from his touch, feeling a bit embarrassed due to how much time it’s been since the two of you were together.

“What is it baby girl, are you nervous? Come on, we’ve known each other for years and I know you can take anything I give you.” It was true of course but for some reason, it felt like the first time you had sex with him.

After your shirt has been taken off, you unconsciously cover your chest with your arms. You didn’t know why you’re acting so self-conscious, especially since you’ve been a challenger to him in bed.

“Hey, are you okay? We can stop if you don’t want to-” Jungkook asked softly, reaching over to take your hand.

What’s there to be nervous about? It’s just Jungkook and like he said, you’ve known him for too long. Besides, don’t you have too much pride to act this way? You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked back at him with a seductive smile.

“You were taking too long to take off my shirt. How boring,” you said coyly, tapping his nose playfully. He returned your gaze, his eyes darkened with lust and desire.

“Well then baby girl, how about you take off the rest of your clothes since you seem like you want to do it,” he muttered, sitting up with his attention completely on your chest. One thing you were infamous in your relationship for is being a brat, a mix of you being submissive but not backing down completely. Even though you liked being a good girl sometimes, the rest is just you on the receiving end. After all, you won’t back down to a challenge, nonetheless if your challenger’s your significant other.

If a person only based off of what they saw, they would think that you were the one taking absolute control due to the aura you give off and your harsh personality. However, at least between you and him since you were one to keep your private life a secret, he is the one with the reins and you were completely fine with it.

You unclipped your bra, throwing it at some random place in the room and revealed your exposed breasts. He ogled at your body up and down, his familiar lustful gaze running through his eyes.

“Hey, what are you staring at?” you barked, slowly starting to feel awkward. Unlike you, Jungkook had no shame when it came to your bedroom activities and there were times when he would just stare at you while you’re completely bare. How embarrassing...but it’s no big deal.

“Watch your mouth you little brat. Do I have to punish you on my day back?” he said darkly, his tone immediately making the back of your hairs stand up. Your face softened, heat forming in your cheeks as you twirled a random piece of your hair, a random habit that you’ve done since elementary school.

“I-I’m sorry.” “Sorry what, baby girl? You’re smarter than that.” “Sorry..sir.” After that word was uttered in your soft and obedient tone, Jungkook could feel his dick growing harder by the second. Hearing you give up all of your confidence and letting him control you never failed to turn him on.

“Now take off the rest of your clothes, sweetie. Or are you going to continue being a dumb little girl and keep playing with me,” he growled softly, leaning back on the bed frame. You felt like acting up some more but he truly was scary when he’s upset and you didn’t want to make his visit back bad because of your behavior so you simply did what he said. Even though you wouldn’t admit it to the world, you also love obeying Jungkook.

You quickly unzippered your jeans, pulling them off along with your panties and kicking them out of the bed. The warmth from the clothes were immediately replaced by the chilly air from the air conditioner, your nipples standing up and goosebumps filling your body. It was humiliating, especially since Jungkook can see you so clearly.

“My precious sweetheart,” he cooed, leaning over you and you could feel his hardened member alongside the roughness of his jeans as he slowly grinded into you.

“Ahh…” You didn’t know what to say, except you knew you wanted more. Jungkook’s mouth was latched onto your nipples, sucking them harshly while his other hand was massaging and flicking on them repeatedly. You felt your eyes roll back to your head and your pussy dampening, even though he wasn’t doing anything yet.

“You like this baby?” he asked gruffly, tugging on your nipple teasingly as it sends sparks of pleasure inside you. You only let out a whine in response as he broke apart from your chest and slowly made his way down your body.

All of a sudden, he inserted one of his long fingers inside of your core, sending vibrations throughout your body. You squealed from the intrusion as your body tried to familiarize itself with his finger, your walls clenching around his digit.

“Damn, have you gotten tighter since last time?” He started to thrust his finger in and out of you at a moderate pace, trying to get you used to the feeling. As if one isn’t enough for you, he suddenly inserted a second one to stretch you out.

Your mind was a haze, not paying attention to anything that was happening around you and focusing on the pleasure that Jungkook was giving you. His fingers attempted to reach the spongy section of your g-spot, the place that absolutely had you in hysterics. Surely enough, his fingertips grazed over it and you could nearly come undone at any second.

While he added an additional finger and completely filled you up, you could feel his smooth tongue on your clit, flicking and sucking on it feverishly. High-pitched moans and mewls were coming out of your mouth embarrassingly as you tugged on Jungkook’s long locks in order to steady yourself of the pleasure.

You could feel him curl his fingers and touch your g-spot, sending sparks within you. At this point, you were barely in a stable mindset due to how good he was making you feel. You felt a knot building up in your stomach, your orgasm coming close to you.

“Are you gonna cum now baby girl? Do you want to cum for Sir? Yeah, I know you do, I could feel it coming,” he said tauntingly, his fingers and tongue abusing your cunt and the vibrations among it made the sensation feel even better.

“Y-yeah, I’m gonna-” you whimpered pathetically but to your dismay, he completely stopped by sliding his fingers out and removing his face. With your release dismissed like it was nothing, you felt annoyance build up on you as your body shook from the denial.

“What the hell? Why did you stop?” you groaned, your eyes shooting sharp daggers at Jungkook. If looks could kill, he would surely be dead within two seconds. But all that’s on his face were your liquids and a cocky smirk that you want to wipe off instantly.

“Because I want you to cum on my dick first. It’s been so long since I’ve been inside you, y’know?” he said casually, pulling off his shirt like it was nothing and revealing his impressive 6-pack. One thing that you were always in awe of was his figure. Jungkook was a really athletic person, always finding time out of his day to work out and maintain his muscular body. You didn’t mind if he didn’t have abs but it neutralized his cute face that could easily kill anyone.

“It’s been a while, yeah? You ready kitten?” Jungkook kicked off his jeans and his boxer that covers his massive bulge was immediately in your vision. You could feel your thighs rubbing together as you were craving him inside you.

“You’re calling me kitten now?” you mumbled shyly as he sat on the edge of the bed, palming his hardened member.

“Yeah because you’re my cute kitty, aren’t you? Do you want to take off my boxers for me?” he smirked, knowing how excited you are to see him like this again. Like there was no tomorrow, you yanked it off impatiently and his dick sprang out, hitting his abs before standing up instantly.

“You’re excited, aren’t you? Don’t deny it,” Jungkook teased, stroking his member teasingly before setting you down on your back and hovering above you.

“I want it,” you mumbled impatiently, getting excited with the thought of him fucking you until you can’t walk again. He chuckled at your reaction, slowly slipping himself inside you. You shrieked from the sudden movement and tried to make yourself comfortable even though this wasn’t new to you.

“Alright baby, let’s go,” he said gruffly, slowly pulling out and slamming it back inside within the next five seconds. You let out a scream as he picked up the pace into the all-too familiar rough and fast one.

“Damn, you’ve gotten way tighter since the last time I’ve fucked your brains out. Feels so good for Sir,” he groaned, his dick completely filling you warm and deep to the point where it could nearly reach your guts. “Does my baby like that? Like getting dicked down where I can feel her in your stomach?” “Ahh, oh my god!” You could only moan and whine in response, pathetic noises coming out of your mouth as Jungkook’s dick hit every surface of your pussy. His veins already made it even more pleasurable and you could feel the tip grazing upon your g-spot, making you even more sensitive.

It hasn’t been long but embarrassingly, you could feel your orgasm arrive once again due to how good his dick was thrusting into you. As he continued to drill your abused cunt, you could feel your legs tremble at the sensitive feeling and the impending sensation of your orgasm starting to grow in your core.

“S-sir, oh my god-” you mewled as Jungkook used his force to flip you on your stomach, your face covered in the pillows. You couldn’t feel him inside you for a second but suddenly, he slammed inside you with no remorse and continued fucking you at that fast pace.

Your cunt throbs as you prepare yourself to cum all over his dick. Jungkook could sense it too by the way your walls started to tighten around him, making it even more pleasurable than the last time you two had sex due to how tight you were. You were praying that he doesn’t deny your orgasm again but there were times where he was that cruel. But you’ve behaved enough to not warrant that type of treatment.

“Is my baby gonna cum now? Go on, come for me, I want to see you come undone on my dick,” he chanted lowly, his pace fastening due to his orgasm coming in soon. Like his words set off a reaction inside you, you screamed out his name and squirted on his dick and stomach. Using that as fuel to keep going, Jungkook thrusts even faster than before to catch his own high as you try to calm yourself down from your own orgasm.

“Ahh, Jungkook-” you whined from the sensitivity but you kept holding on so he could cum too. The way his sweat dripped off of his forehead and complimenting with his dark locks nearly made you want to cum again.

“Fuck, I’m cumming, oh shit,” he moaned out, his thrusts slowing down and surely enough, you could feel his dick spurt out his seed inside you. He started to pull out and stroke himself, spurts of his cum filling up your pussy to not waste a drop.

You and him started to breathe heavily from the intense fuck as you gingerly pulled up the sheets to cover your body. It’s not like you were embarrassed of him seeing your body, it was a habit you did after you have sex with him.

“Did you miss me?” he smiled, lying down next to you and covering an arm around your waist. You nodded, snuggling up next to him on the neck of his crook. There weren't any words spoken from the both of you for a while, instead you were just enjoying the presence of him next to you because after today, he’ll be gone again.

If you had it your way, you didn’t want him to go but he really wanted to participate in his boxing match and what kind of girlfriend were you if you didn’t support him? Still, you loved every moment with him and he was the one thing you absolutely loved in your life.

After a moment of silence, Jungkook broke the silence by facing towards you with seriousness in his eyes. You were worried that something may have happened, so you braced yourself with the worst that could happen. But surprisingly, his words were a bigger shock than any other disaster you could think of.

“Y/N, do you mind if I ask something of you? I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable or invasive.” “Sure, what is it?” You should’ve known from the cheeky smirk he gave you that he was going to request this type of stuff.

“I want to see you touch yourself. I think you’ll look so hot fucking yourself with your fingers while all I’m doing is just watching you.” “What the hell?!”

You were lying if you said you didn’t think about it a lot, especially since Jungkook left the house today this afternoon. Now that he wasn’t there, the apartment felt lonely again and you automatically missed him.

However, the thought of him also brings you back to the conversation you had after you two had sex after a while.

“You’ve never touched yourself? I figured that something like that would come easy to you!” “Well- you know I have dignity right! It’s already embarrassing enough that I’m your submissive!”

“You’re right, it’s already hot seeing you act all whiny and needy for my touch.” “Shut up! Stop making fun of me!”

You shook your head, trying to get rid of Jungkook’s words. With the intent to clean your room to take some stuff out of your mind, you walked to the shared bedroom and started to rearrange random knick-knacks that were placed in peculiar locations.

While you were wandering around, your eye caught sight of a black duffel bag that was in a hidden corner of your bed. With curiosity, you approached it to check to see what was inside. It was heavy and filled with boxing gloves and other equipment, meaning that it was Jungkook’s.

He must’ve forgotten it when he left today, you mused, holding the glove to your chest. A normal person would immediately contact him and give it back but it was like a living piece of him, having its name and scent. You can’t believe you already miss him that much to hold onto his boxing gloves for some comfort. How pathetic.

The smell of him already reminded you of yesterday, when he touched you and made you feel so good. You groaned to yourself as you feel your panties dampening just from the thought of Jungkook giving you pleasure.

“Y’know what, it wouldn’t hurt to try, right? Alright Jungkook, I’ll do it,” you muttered to yourself as you slowly grazed your fingers to your lower region. You could already feel the slick coming out of your panties, signalling how wet you were.

You were a smart person but frankly, you were confused on how to touch yourself especially since this was your first time. Memories of the way Jungkook inserted and thrusted his fingers inside you flashed through your mind, giving you an idea on how to start.

You slide your panties off to your ankles and slowly insert your index finger inside of your core, letting yourself get familiar to your own fingers inside of you. It sure felt different than when Jungkook did it, it wasn’t enough to completely make you feel undone. You pumped another finger inside, giving you something inside at least but it was no better than Jungkook’s touch.

“Ahh, Jungkook,” you moaned softly, flicking your own clit with your fingers which makes the pleasure at least a bit better. You would rather have him with you but it was enough to fill up a small part of his absence. Remembering every time he fucked you harshly was enough to quicken your pace with your fingers, your walls clenching around them and your orgasm closely approaching.

Your other hand groped your breasts, flicking your nipple and massaging them while the other was thrusting in and out of your needy cunt. You were completely in your own euphoria, the world completely fading away from you. Unfortunately for you, that euphoria is only short-lived.

An annoying sound ran throughout your room, the culprit being your cell phone. You groaned with disappointment as you attempted to pry your fingers out of your pussy and your orgasm fading away with every time the ringtone chimed.

With your slick-covered hands, you read the text and your blood started to run cold from the words that were displayed on the screen.

[Jungkook ♡]

- Hi babe, I’m coming home bc I forgot my boxing bag.

- Sorry that this was sudden

- Actually, I’m outside the apartment rn

You’re fucked. Absolutely fucked. But lucky, you still had a minute to spare to make it seem like you weren’t doing anything. You put his boxing glove back in the bag and wobbled downstairs to the front door. The door locks started to jingle and you immediately opened them just for him to take his bag and go. You love him with all of your heart but now’s not the time to chat with him.

“Hey Y/N, do you have my bag?” he asked across from you, looking as good as ever. You forced a smile and shoved his bag in front of your face.

“Yeah, it’s this one right? So, here it is so you can get going now! Goodbye!” you grinned, sweat dripping down your face.

Jungkook looked puzzled on why you were acting that way but decided to go along with it. “O-okay, thanks.”

“Of course! Now, you should get going now! Your boxing rehearsal isn’t going to wait forever, is it?” you chuckled, trying to push him out of the door but he didn’t budge. After taking a quick glance at you (more specifically your legs and the amount of slick dripping down), he decided to stay.

“Woah, woah, there’s something going on. Let me in,” he said stubbornly, pushing against you to get inside the apartment.

“What are you talking about? There’s literally nothing going on! You should go back to the boxing place!” you argued but he wouldn’t listen. Jungkook grabbed your hand and pulled you upstairs into the bedroom and set you down, looking straight into your eyes. You immediately blushed as his eyes held such confusion and hunger inside.

“Don’t lie to me, only bad girls lie. So tell me baby, what exactly is going on?”

Surely he didn’t know right? You still have some time to lie because there’s no way he knows.

“I was taking a nap before you texted me.”

“Without your panties on and a shit ton of slick dripping down your thighs?” he asked with confusion, pulling up your skirt and revealing your soaking pussy, throbbing due to the atmosphere. At this point, you were absolutely stuck in a corner as Jungkook stared at the way you’re completely aroused.

“Ahh, um..” “Are you cheating on me, Y/N?” His eyes were now full of sadness and hurt and you could immediately feel your heart start to break.

“N-no! Of course not! I would never cheat on you, you’re the one who I love! It’s just because..” you tried to get the idea out of his head, holding his hands tightly. Jungkook’s face brightened up a bit before being replaced with suspicion.

“So, what’s up? What were you doing while I left?” There was absolutely no talking yourself out of this because Jungkook would find out either way at this point. But at least it’s better than making up a stupid lie, right? “I..um..remember how you said you wanted to see me touch myself yesterday?” “Of course.” “Well...I was doing that..” you mumbled with embarrassment, avoiding his eye contact. Jungkook’s ears picked up what you said and his face lit up with excitement and desire.

“Say that again for me?” he smirked, loving how soft and shy you were now.

“I..was touching myself while I was thinking of you,” you said a bit loudly but it was still so embarrassing. You had no idea why he was all so happy right now but it made you happy nonetheless.

“Do you think you can show me?” he grinned, staring up into your eyes.

“What?! N-no! It’s private right? You see, it’s private for a reason! Now you got your bag and figured out why I was acting weird so you can go now!” you snapped, heat automatically filling up your body.

“It’s okay, I can skip practice today. This is important, why didn’t you tell me?” “It’s not something I should tell you.” “Anyways, you’ve been a bad girl today. Touching yourself while thinking of me, you’re so naughty. So your punishment is to reenact what you did before I came back and I’m not leaving until I see you touch yourself. But don’t worry, if you need help then I’m always here,” Jungkook purred, his dominant persona on. You gulped down a lump down your throat but you weren’t ready to back down to him yet.

“No I’m not! I’m not giving up my dignity just yet!” “Come on, little girl. I know you were fucking yourself like a little whore while you were gone. Did your tiny little fingers fill you up completely, better than my cock? I know you didn’t because even though you’re a whore, you’re still such a slut for my dick.” His dirty words made you even more turned on than normal with even more slick running down your thighs. You knew it was better to obey, especially since he’s talking like this. With that being said, you scooted yourself with the back of your head hitting the bed frame. After a minute of hesitation, you lifted up your skirt which revealed your whole pussy to him. Jungkook stared intently, noticing every little twitch that it made as it’s longing for something to be inside it and how wet it has become. His lips were curled into a smirk as your fingers started to graze over your folds.

Taking a deep breath, you inserted two of your fingers to aid the throbbing in your core. It felt different than when you did it before, maybe due to Jungkook staring at every little movement you made.

Despite your initial refusal, having him watch over you turned you on even more and the throbbing only continued to get worse after you slowly started to move your fingers. You didn’t know how much it turned you and him on, judging from his erection in his pants.

“Ahh, oh my god,” you moaned, adding an additional finger and groping your boobs with your other hand.

Jungkook’s mouth was in shock, shocked at how you can look so sexy touching yourself even though it was your first time. His dick was begging to be released in his now tight sweatpants but just watching you like this was more than enough.

He’s never admitted it directly to you but surprisingly, he’s such a voyeur and seeing you wrecked with only your fingers or even a toy could make him cum as hard as him actually fucking you.

“J-Jungkook, please…” you mewled, rocking your hips against your small hands in an attempt to hit your g-spot, where only your boyfriend knows.

By now, you’ve inserted your whole hand inside of your core and it still wasn’t as satisfying as Jungkook’s long fingers inside you. You should’ve been embarrassed that his vision was at you masterbating but frankly, you didn’t care anymore.

“Shit baby girl, just like that, fucking ruin yourself,” he grunted, slightly stroking his hardened member through his sweatpants.

“I want your mouth on me,” you cried, slowly starting to feel the same ecstatic feeling of your release. The way his eyes were set on you alone brings you closer to your high as you’re practically grinding on your hand.

Luckily, Jungkook heard your wish and immediately brought his face down to your core, taking your fingers out and licking your clit like there was no tomorrow. His face was completely buried with the goal of eating you out and getting your cum out of you. It wasn’t a thought that ever crossed your mind but you never realized how much better Jungkook made you feel and how the throbbing seemed to go away after he was with you. His face was absolutely covered in your juices and adding to his warm mouth were his long fingers.

“You like that don’t you, you slutty little girl?” he hummed, the vibrations of his mouth making you even more closer to the edge. You gripped onto his arm tightly, your fingernails dragging along his muscles due to how much he was giving you.

You felt his fingers curl against you, hitting your g-spot and bringing you closer to your climax. It felt too good and you were craving to be ruined by him. Jungkook stared at the way you were shoving his hand amongst your tight little cunt, grinding on it as you try to reach your high and the squelching sounds it made.

Within seconds, you were close to your orgasm and you were trying to chase after it feverishly. His tongue and his fingers were too much for you, even though you received them last night. They made you feel so satisfied and full, always filling you up to the edge and the way he was hitting every spot nearly made you cream all over his fingers.

Unfortunately for you, he immediately pulled his fingers and mouth away, completely denying you of releasing. The hot feeling and intensity disappeared instantly and was replaced by the familiar throbbing as you let out a groan of disappointment. This was the second time you’ve lost your orgasm and you just wanted to release on him once more.

“Why did you stop? I was going to-” you growled, your face heating up due to the increased temperature inside.

“You’re not going to cum when I’m away. Is that a rule you can follow?” he said sharply, licking every remain of your juices off his face and wiping the excess with a tissue.

“W-why?” “Instead, I want you to send me a video touching yourself but not cumming until my match. Is that an order my little girl can do?”

You absolutely hated the fact that you won’t be releasing for a while but you didn’t want to get him mad. All you can do is just accept your fate and nod.

“There you go, don’t worry, I’m going to make you feel so good once I win,” he grinned, kissing you passionately. You could immediately taste yourself on his lips and felt his hardened member upon you. There were more things that the two of you would’ve done but he wouldn’t allow that to happen.

“Well then, I’ll be off. You’ll behave, right?” he parted cheerily, grabbing his bag and leaving the apartment like he didn’t just completely ate you out and denied your orgasm for the second time. As you heard the door lock, you’re left with your skirt drenched from your juices and the aching feeling between your legs.

Oh the things that Jungkook does to you. But what would happen if you gave him a little surprise during his boxing match. Surely, you weren’t that submissive and besides, it would be fun to tease him..

“You did great man!” Taehyung cheered, high-fiving Jungkook as soon as his match ended. He shared the same with a bunny-like smile and went inside the locker room to clean up to see you. Not only did he win but he’s going to be staying with you for a while now.

With a bright spirit, he unlocked his locker and opened his phone to a text message from you. There was an attachment with a seemingly innocent message but once he opened the video, it only fueled his desire.

[Y/N ♡]

- I miss you so much

Inside of the video was you fucking yourself with your fingers, high-pitched and incoherent whimpers coming out of you and from the looks of it, it was like you’re about to reach your climax.

Within the last few seconds, it cuts to you creaming all over the bed and licking your juices off of your fingers seductively with a cute wink at the end. All of that just to rile and tease him.

Shit, the things that this girl does to me, Jungkook sighs, feeling his member starting to grow inside of his pants again. They were simple instructions yet you can’t obey properly. Maybe it was due to you being a brat and wanting to be put in your place again.

Well, if there’s one thing that you and Jungkook know, is that you’ll certainly not walk the next day.

a/n: honestly, i’m not too proud of this but i hope you liked it regardless! let me know what you think and have a great day <3

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fadeintoyou1993 · 2 years

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i don't think penelope is ableist she treated lizzie shitty bc lizzie treated josie shitty but none of it had anything to do with lizzie's bipolar syndrome. speaking as someone who has bpd which is very similar to bipolarity adn as a lizzie stan, we shouldn't discard lizzie treatment of josie (and also hope) as "side effect of her mental illness" bc it's really not. i feel lizzie has grown a lot since s1 and that's why i love her and i do feel the writing is sometimes ableist but not penelope

that's your opinion and i don't agree with it and here's why

i'm severely neurodivergent (i have many disorders that affect my brain in the same way as bipolar syndrome does as well as i am on the autistic spectrum so i'm not just talking out of my ass with this) as well and this is how i view the character of penelope; you may not agree with it but i don't think it's all based on how lizzie treated josie; sure it played a part in it but let's also not forget that a lot of the things that moved lizzie to act in certain ways were also based on things josie has said to her - this not to say that it's josie's fault, but that like lizzie said in 1x15, codependency goes both ways and they both have done things to hurt and or affect the other. but that's about THEM.

penelope broke up with josie and PENELOPE decided to go on a vengeance by quite literally harassing josie's mentally ill sister with shit that had nothing to do with her, not counting the fact that josie had as much of a part in being codependent and being in the messy relationship between the sisters as lizzie did. she didn't think of the consequences of the shit she did and acted without consent half of the time.

and to really drive the point of why i think penelope is ableist:

"You've left her with no room for herself. She spends all of her energy taking care of you. She doesn't have time for a relationship because you are a black hole of time and energy and love, just sucking it all up. Never giving any of it back. Oh, she won't ever burn your world down. So I will do it for her."

which umm lol??? first of all it's not her place, second of all it's not like josie is a saint either, third of all it's not like lizzie ASKS josie to put her life on hold. this is exactly the same shit josie has been saying over and over again: I never say what i want and then i suffer bc of it. If she learned how to SPEAK UP, most of these problems wouldn't happen. But nah, instead of talking to Josie like a normal person, penelope sets to harass and say this harmful dumb shit to Lizzie because she can't speak to josie like a normal person.

And not to mention the: "At least you earned this mental breakdown." comment from 1x10. She belittles Lizzie's mental health and constantly harrasses her for it and blames all of Josie's shortcomings on Lizzie and lizzie ALONE when it's a two-way street.

So yeah i do think penelope is ableist and absolutely trash <3

#anon #answered #anti penelope park #and this is just on the ableist front -- lets not forget she essentially roofied MG in the first episode lmao #like i really dont care about that girl and never will sorrey x

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liannelara-dracula · 3 years

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Can I request hcs of Eren (from snk) and Uta (from tokyo ghoul) comforting their s/o (gender neutral pls) who has a mental breakdown and starts crying bc they're really stressed? Thank you so much, if you don't feel comfortable with this, ignore it <33333

Hi love,

Of course, you're welcome I'd be more than happy to do this.

-Jade

requests are open

----------

Eren:

Let's be honest, Eren does have a hard time noticing if you're stressed out, especially if you hide it very well.

He'll go a while without noticing until minor things start happening.

Such as your attitude slightly changing towards things.

Maybe you end up staying up too late too for too many nights to study, which leads you to stay inside since you want to catch up on your sleep; or just don't want to see anyone because you're not feeling like it.

It could even lead to you canceling too many dates with him due to other events, or just not returning his texts or calls as fast as you used to.

This is when he would definitely notice something is off.

He would try to ask you what was wrong, but since you didn't want to worry him, you'd just tell him everything was fine.

Since he doesn't want to push you, I feel like he wouldn't insist on the subject, at least not at first.

However, if he sees that this behavior persists, or it just gets worse, then he's going to intervene until he figures it out.

It's only because he cares tho and wants you to be happy.

"Y/n, is everything okay?" He'd turn to you well sitting on you're bed as you were fixing some things in your room.

"Yeah, I'm just busy." You'd say dryly still focused on other things rather than paying attention to your boyfriend.

"Babe, you haven't even been answering my texts and barely pick up the phone. What's going on?" Seeing you weren't even looking at him he came up behind you and gave you a back hug while resting his head on your shoulder.

"Nothing." You'd mumble not being relaxed in his hug either way.

"Y/n, it can't be nothing. Every time I come over you barely say a word. What is up with you?"

"Nothing is wrong. I've just been tired these days." You'd sigh still not looking at him or anything.

He'd pull out from his hug whilst getting you to look at him now.

"See, there you go again pushing you away."

"Because I don't want you to get involved."

"I'm trying to help you!"

"Why do you care? Why do I matter so much to you?!"

"Because I love you!"

"I don't want to talk about this with you."

"Y/n, you know you can tell me anything. Whatever's bothering you we can talk about it, baby." He'd approach you, his hands cupping your face so you couldn't look away.

You honestly couldn't deal with the pressure you felt in that moment. There were so many things running through your head and it was overwhelming to you. It was overwhelming to look at him and lie to him.

You didn't want to do that to him but you also didn't want to be emotional over some stress and problems you're dealing with.

"I just--I feel so stressed . . . and I--I don't know what to do. And I-I c-can't--"

But your feelings got the best of you and you felt your vision becoming blurry by the tears you wanted to hold back. Seeing your distraught state Eren embraced you into a hug.

"Shhhh, Y/n, it's okay." He'd say stroking your hair.

He hated seeing you this way and he wouldn't imagine you'd cry.

So it did shock him but it mostly made him sad because he wouldn't want you to be hurt.

You sobbed into his chest feeling a little less stressed by his words.

"Hey, don't cry. It's going to be fine, just tell me everything."

When you tell him what's bothering you he keeps an eye on you.

And he checks up on you a lot, whether it's by being there in person or just by calling you or something.

So he's pretty on top of it, especially if you're the type to not depend on him.

Like he won't make you annoyed but he will try to talk to you about it and make you open up about it to him.

And he will scold you/get mad if you keep getting yourself hurt.

So you witness his protective side.

But overall he'd be very sweet and would do anything to make you smile and be happy.

Uta:

He may come off as carefree and not all there, but he's more perceptive than he comes off as.

He's always taken note of not just the big things, but of the minor things about you as well.

Like he knows even the smallest of details about you.

In other words, he knows when something is off.

But, he won't exactly confront you about it because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable.

Cause he believes you won't talk to him about it and that you'll ignore him.

He figures if something is bothering you, and is making you in fact uncomfortable, he wouldn't want to bring up or provoke a subject like that.

Instead of talking to you about it, he tries to cheer you up by taking you places, getting you gifts, or just talking about things to make you laugh so your mind doesn't drift off into the negative.

However, if he does see that this behavior continues, this is when he knows he's going to have to talk to you about it.

"Y/n you've been quiet these days." He'd imply sketching something in his sketchbook.

"I'm just busy that's all." You'd reply looking at your phone and not looking up at him.

"Right, so that's exactly the reason why you're avoiding me?" He'd snap after the attitude you gave him.

You'd scoff at this crossing your arms, "Uta, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just busy with school."

"Y/n." He'd stop moving his pencil and look at you as you met eyes with him now.

"What?"

"You haven't been eating." He'd mention.

"I--how do you know about that?" You'd stammer not wanting to get caught.

"Word from a friend, now what's wrong with you?"

You'd avert your eyes and begin to get up to walk away from his so you wouldn't have to talk to him.

"Nothing."

He'd get up from his seat and pull you back by the wrist. "Don't walk away Y/n. Running from your problems won't solve this."

"Really, and you expect me to depend on you?" You'd sass.

"I'm trying to help you."

His words made you startled and you just couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the feeling.

"No . . . I don't need help--I d-don't want h-help." You'd stammer as a few tears run down your cheeks.

He'd sigh, "Pushing me away isn't going to help you either . . . just tell me what's wrong and I can fix."

"Sometimes y-you can't f-fix everything . . . you c-can't fix what happened to me." You'd shake your head wiping the tears which blurred your vision.

"If you tell me maybe I can."

"No, no--"

"Y/n."

"I c-can't. I can't burden you with my problems." You'd say, running your fingers through your hair, tears falling down your cheeks.

Turning your back to him you'd wipe your tears as you continued to cry.

He'd approach you, his hand intertwining with yours, "Whatever it is, tell me."

You'd turn to him shaking your head not bothering to give him an answer.

He'd give you a worried look before saying, "Y/n, you are the most important thing in my life and I can't stand it when you look at me like that . . . so please tell me what's going on."

Once you finally tell him he comforts you by bringing you in a hug and telling you everything will be okay.

He'd keep an eye on you and wouldn't leave your side.

And like I said he's pretty perceptive when it comes to this cause he's come to understand what kind of person you're like.

He's not one for a lot of affection and all but he will show that he cares.

#anime #anime headcanons #attack on tittan hcs #attack on titan headcanons #attack on titan #tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul headcanon #tokyo ghoul hcs #eren yeager #attack on titan eren yeager #eren yeager headcanons #uta tokyo ghoul headcanons #uta tokyo ghoul

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