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hedgehog-moss · 1 year

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The girls have arrived!!

I received an email from the goldfish-delivering company that had “how to take care of your mogwai” vibes, with recommendations I was expecting like “don’t feed the fish for the first three days” but also some I wasn’t expecting at all, such as “don’t make eye contact with aggressive fish”:

If you zoom in on the picture above, you can see it’s already too late.

I decided to follow the timeless human tradition of ignoring things I don’t understand, and moved on to phase 2: poking tiny holes in the bags of fish and letting them float around on the water of their new tank until water temperatures and pH became even. In the meantime I had a mystery on my hands: in addition to the two bags of fish I had ordered, the parcel contained another, smaller bag full of some unknown liquid.

The paper inside is just a page torn off a catalogue, there were no indications as to what this little bag was for and I was puzzled. My first thought was that it contained some kind of big name fish that needed to travel alone—or maybe the aggressive fish that you shouldn’t make eye contact with? An aquatic Pyrgus. But then I opened the bag and it only contained a clear water-like liquid; no fish.

My second thought was that the liquid was a goldfish tonic that I should pour into the tank to help the fish adjust to their new environment. I called the goldfish-delivering company just to make sure, and the man I had on the phone was like “Oh I’ve never been asked this question before! The little bag just contains a block of ice to keep the fish cool during delivery. If there’s still some ice in there you can put it in your apéritif this evening.” I felt pretty silly, but he sounded happy to answer a silly question about ice instead of having someone call to say “some of my fish died during delivery.”

(I shared my initial hypothesis with him—that the little bag contained the fish in chief who travelled alone in its own VIP vehicle—and he said “Vous avez été chercher loin !” (you’ve thought about this a lot!) and I said “no that was my first theory” and he was like “how was it your first theory”)

Anyway—the fish had now floated long enough and were ready to be scooped out! Their travel water was pretty dirty and the bags pretty cramped, I bet they’re enjoying their 1000L tank with water lovingly filtered by my hardworking vegetables.

Here they are exploring the place! You can see the plants’ roots dipping into the water from each tower (explanation in this post in case you’ve missed it) so they have quite a lot of underwater greenery to play with or munch on. I hope they acclimatise well and enjoy their mutually-enriching relationship with my greenhouse plants :)

#crawling along #i'm delighted to have fish #i had a friend who was into aquaponics a few years ago and who told me about it #and i thought it sounded super interesting and ended up taking a week-long course with an aquaponics association to learn the basics #i've been re-reading my notes a lot lately i feel like i forgot everything from this course #i still lived in paris when i took it and had no idea if i would ever have the opportunity to put this into practice #but it was just a cool thing to learn about!

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skullinacowboyhat · 8 months

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who is in control? [leiko, he/they]

#nothing like finding out the guy hunting you was you all along #swtor #oc: leiko #my art #skullie's sketches #star wars #twi'lek #won't be much art for the next few weeks friends #i'm on holiday

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pac1fythehunger · 1 year

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replayed recently, so here's a little bit of somaposting

#soma #soma game #simon jarrett #johan ross #paci art #traumatized a few friends along the way:>#frictional games #body horror cw

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cryxleaf · 1 year

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along the river

#the bg is a photo I took at the river a few years ago #I used to take walks along the river regularly to clear my head…#my friends and I would sometimes walk to the river after school and hang out by the water #I miss days like that #my art #omori #pastel #illustration #fanart #character art #digital art #omori fanart #art #omori omori #rpg #rpg game #after school

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feroluce · 2 months

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Thinking tonight about Caelus, and the nature of his loss and his grief after the Everything that went down in Penacony during 2.0.

Because Acheron, Black Swan, and Misha kind of knew of Firefly, they at least met her, but they didn't like really know her, and Caelus never even got the chance to introduce her to the rest of the Astral Express Crew. The only person who would have talked to her much was Sparkle, who is. Probably not really someone Caelus is interested in grieving with skznmsks

Anyway, all this to say, I like thinking about how alone poor Caelus is in his grief, because he was the only one who knew Firefly. He's the only one really mourning her. There's no one to talk about her with. There's no stories to trade or memories to reminisce with anyone over. It's not as though he knew her for long, but still. No one else knew her at all.

And I love the thought of all of this coming bubbling up, hot and acidic and bitter, during a conversation with Sampo, who Caelus just so happens to run into in the Golden Hour. Poor Sampo is kinda blindsided, he knew shit was going down in Penacony, but yeesh. And he just. Isn't quite sure what to say about it all, because he's never really encountered this before. His feelings about the Masked Fools are...a mixed bag, but he's been a part of them for a very long time, and when you're with a close organization like that, it's hard to feel alone, in grief or otherwise.

So Sampo sits there on their little bench that the two of them have occupied, and he thinks of his old friend April, how she'd died in his arms cackling and spitting her own blood after a heist gone wrong, and how after he'd dragged himself back to the World's End Tavern they'd all held a Fool's Funeral- which is basically just a big party where everyone gets really really drunk and reminisces and toasts the dead and celebrates their life.

He still thinks about her a lot, and he remembers how the time he'd most keenly felt her absence was on Jarilo-VI, the one place where he couldn't talk about her because he couldn't say anything to give himself away as an alien. The Fools still tell stories about her every time he goes back to the Tavern. His first toast of the night is always in her name. Even now, all these years after she'd died, Sampo is still learning new things about her. He's never had to grieve her alone.

Caelus doesn't have any of that.

He might never have that. As they speak, Caelus has no proof that Firefly was even her real name, or if she dreamt with her true appearance. He might not ever find out who she even was.

And just imagining that kind of loneliness hollows out a strange little pit, right behind his sternum, deep between his ribs.

So Sampo claps Caelus' shoulder and offers him a deal. Come find him outside of the dream. He knows a guy who can get them a lot of beer for really cheap-

("Is that guy you and your five finger discounts?" "Whatever do you mean, dear friend, I don't even know the meaning of the phrase, hehee.")

-and they can hole up in a bar or a hotel room or something, and get completely shitcanned. Tell him all about Firefly, tell him everything, and he'll tell Caelus about April and everyone else he's ever lost. Sampo will carry Caelus' memories of Firefly with him, and at least this way, Caelus will be a little less alone in remembering her. And the next time they cross paths, Sampo will be the one to bring her up, and to tell her stories, and Caelus can get to be the one listening. He won't have to be the only person to talk about her anymore.

Caelus rolls his eyes when Sampo avoids another remark about sticky fingers, but...ok, yeah. That sounds good. Nice, even. Thank you. Caelus bumps his shoulder against Sampo's. Sampo bumps back.

(They find each other again the next day, and true to their word, get themselves completely and utterly shitcanned. Caelus talks more than Sampo has ever heard him; every minute detail, every word choice, Firefly's every odd little mannerism and habit. Because Caelus wants to make sure this will outlive him, that even if the Stellaron dwelling within him finally burns him to a crisp and he really does up and kick the bucket, or even, godforbid, if he forgets, he wants to make sure someone remembers her. She deserved that.)

((And it takes quite a while, after that. Caelus doesn't see Sampo again until after everything has settled down. On his last day in Penacony, he finds the guy slinking out of a seedy back alley and all but runs right into him. Sampo happily leads him to some dive bar in an even seedier back alley that Caelus has never even heard of, and Sampo raises his glass. "To Firefly! Who sounds like she probably would have hated me at first, but I would have liked to have met her anyway."

And Caelus stares at him, almost looking startled, long enough that Sampo worries that he's read him wrong and brought this up too soon. He's halfway into planning how to talk himself out of this situation when Caelus finally throws back his head back and laughs, tells him that yeah, Firefly would have politely called him out on every lie he told, and all their conversations would take twice as long with the way Sampo is so full of shit.

And he can see it, the same way he watches and sees through everyone, that Caelus' eyes have a tightness to them, his knuckles are nearly white around the handle of his mug. But he smiles. He hits his glass against Sampo's far too hard and throws it back and gets foam everywhere like he does every time they drink because the guy's about as elegant as a raging bull, but those things don't lessen the genuineness of his smile.

The grief is there, but so is the elation, and those emotions aren't a sliding scale between one or the other. It is all of both and both at once, and that's what contents Sampo enough to throw his own mug back when Caelus makes a toast of his own, "to April!!".))

#caelus #sampo koski #hsr caelus #hsr sampo #sampo & caelus #sampril #honkai star rail #hsr #my fics #me a few days ago: my favorite silly little guys uwu #me today: ANGST #honestly I feel like this isn't even a super strong angst though #it's more just. bittersweet? melancholic? something.#I JUST. REALLY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE NATURE OF GRIEF #and 2.0 laid the groundwork for that beautifully woohoo #I just remembered this probably isn't common knowledge oops but April is the cute red haired girl in Funny Bone #her name was revealed by the creators on twitter. she's named April like April Fools!#anyway I ship it hardcore now thanks bucket boi & studio #but anyway yes I love and adore the loneliness of the trailblazer's loss and grief after 2.0 #because we know from Sunday that Firefly is “spiritually dead” but the trailblazer wouldn't have that knowledge #and they wouldn't know her identity or about any of her connections to other people #and I love that juxtaposed against Sampo and the possible strange nature of his own grief-#-given how the Masked Fools operate and how they see Elation in everything and everywhere #Sampo is no saint- like at all lol- but I do like him and Caelus getting along and being bros #and I don't think it would be terribly ooc for him to care about someone he sees as a genuine friend #he maybe rarely considers someone a genuine friend. but still dmxjjdjdk #listening to Sam's boss theme as I tag this... have been listening to it a lot ever since I finished 2.0 tbh #it's probably what inspired a lot of this haha #because it does sound strong and intimidating and imposing #but you can hear it

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kjoadrien · 4 months

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Same as it ever was

#last yr ? or mayb during june my friend was watching the last few eps of rgu in the studio so i watched along and th ending rly crushed me #LOL #anywayz anthy ily #OH also i intend on watching the whole thing soon #excited to get my shit rocked #rgu #revolutionary girl utena #anthy himemiya #utena tenjou #fan art #art #illustration #artists on tumblr #digital

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ecto-stone · 2 years

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Headcanon of Halfa ghost form being a reflection of their mental age and how they see themself my beloved .

#hachi doodle #Friend from the other side AU ??#i think just how much their form change speak a little about themselves too #Form changed alots could be uncertainties of one self while also shown their journey to exploring their own identity #while forn barely changes could shown that they are comfortable of what they are #Danny Phantom #vlad plasmius #on the other side ghost danny just let out all of his pended up emotion to vlad who come back even after all that happened few year ago #as he release more of his pended up inner thought his body s #shrunk down to the side of a 5 year old child face fill with tear and snort ungly crying with words so unclear it sound geberis #Then he feel vlad embrace along with all his friends around telling him it ok #he slowly grow into his true age

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zorosdimples · 2 months

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hear me out: choso opening up to yuuji about his lack of sexual experience, and yuuji—out of the goodness of his heart—offering to give his big brother a live demonstration.

#i’ve been thinking about this since 8 am. it just—sigh. has occupied my brain. i’ll write a little something but the idea makes me INSANE.#and you? well—you’re along for the ride #i think you’re just an unwitting (/j) friend. i think… i think it would be too much for either of them if you were a partner #you’re a friend with a crush that agrees to do something stupid (wonderful)#it’s not that yuuji has a ton of experience (although i think in a modern au he would perhaps have a slutty frat bro phase LOL)#it’s more that he’s had a gf or few and choso knows yuuji knows what he’s doing #anyway sorry if this is anticlimactic for u all but it makes me crazy

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literaryspinster · 10 months

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I do believe that Black characters can be set up by the creative team to be disliked by the dominant audience, I’ve seen it, but if you’re applying that to every Black character with a complex personality then you’re skewing closer to respectability politics than thoughtful media criticism.

#lucas sinclair #mel medarda #my babies my loves #stranger things #arcane #i feel like i might get some disagreement about lucas especially but i'm ready to fight #if you want a Black character who just politely gets along with his white midwestern friends in the 1980s then you and i are different #he stands up for himself and speaks his mind and that's good actually #now i don't think he's treated perfectly by the show but white audiences not liking him isn't the problem #their affection for Black characters is extremely conditional #so if he were exactly the way they argued he should have been in s1 then they would have found something else to hate #and like if he'd still been the same way throughout the show and not just in the first few episodes then i'd probably agree #but the way i see it he was just being smart and showing more care for will than many of his other friends

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morporkian-cryptid · 6 months

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On gender, confusion, and labels

I want to talk about my experience of gender, because it’s been a long and complicated journey and I’m finally at a point where I’m not having an identity crisis every six months. I haven’t seen many people with a similar experience in my years on the Trans Website and I kinda wish I had people tell me this earlier. This is not meant to be catch-all advice for all gender-confused folks, just my own story; if others can resonate with it and feel a little less lost, then I’ll be happy.

(This is gonna be pretty long, be warned)

I experience little to no dysphoria, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to accept that I’m not cis. What tipped me off to the whole Gender Situation was mostly the euphoria of being perceived as a masculine woman, or mistaken for a guy.

I came out as genderfluid years ago, to about two persons. Six months and a lot of thinking later, I went back on it because it turned out it was just a phase.

Well, not a phase, more like a cycle. After that, I kept deeply questioning my gender every six to twelve months. Most of the time I’d feel like a woman (albeit without any clear idea of what “being a woman” actually meant), and every now and then I’d get clear flashes of “I’m something else” feelig and start to question my entire identity for a couple months; then go back to “nah actually I’m cis”. Rinse and repeat.

I kept cutting my hair increasingly short, event went as far as a buzzcut. I rarely wear makeup. I like when people mistake me for a boy or are confused about my gender.

Every year or so, I found myself looking at binders. Every year I flaked out. At some point I bought compression bras but barely wore them because they were uncomfortable. I like my chest in and of itself, but sometimes I don’t like the way it looks with dresses or frilly tops – I like my chest but I don’t want it to be perceived. (I did buy a binder eventually, for the few days when I want my chest gone. I don’t wear it a lot, but I’m happy to have the choice.)

For a while I played with using different pronouns; I asked my friends to call me he or they for a few days, or I’d introduce myself with those pronouns in talking groups. But most of the time I went back to “she” like an old comforting jumper.

I even changed my name for about six months, then went back to my birth name. That was a very difficult time. I didn’t want to change my name. I like my birth name a lot. What happened was, Elliott Page came out, and I heard the name Elliott and my brain kinda went, “huh I like that name, it fits, I kinda like being a girl named Elliott”; and then it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away unless I scratched it. The weight of that decision scared me. It wasn’t like pronouns or a haircut: a name is what I present myself to the world with, and I was terrified of changing such a big thing about me.

My friends were very supportive, and switched without problem. I was lucky enough to move abroad for a six-month exchange program right when that identity crisis happened, so I got the very rare occasion to introduce myself as Elliott to people who didn’t know me at all, and whom I wouldn’t see anymore after six months. My flatmates were great and called me Elliott without question.

Six months later, the name stopped fitting. I don’t know how to describe it, but it just didn’t feel like me anymore, so I went back to my birth name, and all my friends were chill with that. (I still use Elliott as a pseudonym online.)

The reason the early years of questioning my gender were really complicated, is because for a lot of my life I’ve been really into labels. I wanted to understand things and put them in neat little boxes; and my identity was no different. If I’m not a woman then I must be trans. But I feel like a woman 75% of the time. Can I call myself trans if I identify with my AGAB most of the time? Do I actually identify as a woman, though? Or am I okay with being perceived as one? What does “feeling like a woman” even mean? Technically, by definition I must be genderfluid, which means I’m trans, but that’s a word that doesn’t feel like it applies to me. I can’t be part-time trans. But I’m not exactly cis either. Then what the fuck am I??

I wanted a word to put on my identity, because if I didn’t have one then I didn’t know what I was, and that was really difficult to live with.

It took me years to shed that need for a label, and to get to the point I am at today. Today I see my gender as feelings rather than identity. My gender is too big and complicated to neatly fit into a word, or even ten. My gender is the way I dress, the way I talk, the emotions when I am called miss or sir, the feeling when I look at myself in the mirror after a fresh haircut. It’s a hundred interconnected tidbits that all shift day to day.

The best way I’ve found to describe my experience of gender, is this:

I am not a woman

I am fine with being perceived as a woman

I do not want to be perceived as feminine

These are the three things I’m certain of right now (and they might change later! And that’s okay!), and my day-to-day gender presentation hinges around them. I no longer try to look inside myself and ask “What is my Gender?”, because I’ve never found a straight (ha!) answer, and that’s only ever brought me anguish. What I do now, is look in the mirror and ask myself “Do I like this outfit?”, look at a sentence I wrote and ask myself “Do I like these pronouns?”. I’ve kind of applied the Marie Kondo method to my gender: does this spark joy? Then I’m doing it. In this text I’m sending to my friend, does calling myself “handsome” spark joy? Then I’m calling myself “handsome”. Does wearing a binder under this dress spark joy? Then binder it is. If I want to try out a new name, I can tell my friends and they’ll try it out with me, and if it turns out I don’t like it, I can always ask them to go back to the old one. The gender feelings I’m feeling right now are as real as the ones I felt yesterday or the ones I’ll feel tomorrow, they��re as important and I am allowed to indulge in them.

With labels, I do sort of the same thing, although I’m not quite there yet. The best word I’ve found to describe myself is genderqueer, because it’s vague enough to not imprison me inside a box. Sometimes I’ll say I’m non-binary if that’s relevant to the context of the discussion. I still don’t actively describe myself as trans, because the vastness of that word and the experiences it comes with is still a bit scary for me – but I don’t forbid myself anymore from taking part in things labelled as “trans”, like talking groups, pride events, Tumblr posts and Discord servers. Even if I don’t identify with the word, I identify with many of the experiences, and I do technically fall under the definition of transgender. I’m allowed to be part of that community, even if I kinda just lurk around the doorstep. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to actually come in, and proudly call myself transgender.

I have been sort of toying with the idea of maybe one day going on T. If I had had that idea a few years earlier, I would have freaked out and had another identity crisis over it, like I did with the name change. As things are right now, I’m just sort of considering the idea and giving myself time to think about it, do research, try alternative ways to change my body first. There’s no rush at all. I know now that my perception of my own gender varies over time, and that I can take years to get comfortable with aspects of my identity or presentation. I can take my time; I can go on T in a few years when I’m certain, or I can decide I don’t want that. I don’t have to make a big decision now.

Seeing transition this way is incredibly freeing.

I’m very lucky to experience minimal gender dysphoria, but because of that, I conflated “being okay with people perceiving me as a woman” with “actually being a woman”. I mostly use she/her and my feminine birth name, not because they describe my gender (they very much don’t), but because they’re comfortable. It’s like I’m goth but I don’t find goth clothes comfortable, and displaying my identity as goth isn’t worth the discomfort of wearing itchy clothes. So I prefer to wear this old sweater that’s super comfy even if it doesn’t reflect my tastes, and stick a couple of skull pins on it so other goths know I’m actually one of them. Just because the sweater isn’t goth doesn’t mean I’m not goth inside. Just because I go by she/her and a feminine name doesn’t mean I’m not non-binary inside. Explaining my actual gender to the people around me isn’t worth the hassle, misunderstanding and possible debates about my identity; the people who understand know, and the others don’t, whatever.

(TL;DR) So, yeah. This is a lot of text to really just say, if finding a word for your gender hurts, don’t try to find a word. Focus on the experiences, do what makes you happy, gender-wise. Labels can be helpful, but if they’re not, you are not obligated to use one. Gender is incredibly complex and cannot be easily summarized by words. At the end of the day, what’s important is your feelings, and trying to make them good feelings.

#i hope this can help someone feel less lost than i used to feel #this is deeply personal but thankfully i'm now at a point in my life where exploring my gender doesn't hurt anymore #so i can be open about it #i never really came out as genderqueer because all my friends were involved in my journey there #so they knew all along there was a Gender Situation going on so an Official Coming Out was pointless #also the whole 'my gender is a fucking yoyo' thing discouraged me from making an Official Coming Out that i might scrap after a few months #i'm queer. my gender is queer. that's all i'm able to say about it and that's all people need to know #personal #long post #gender #gender stuff #genderqueer #non-binary #nonbinary #genderfluid #lgbt #lgbt+#lgbtq

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