#also considering the fact that there is a HEAVY implication that he's the only one paying for his kids' medical bills it doesn't

[lightlycareless]

omgggg, that Toji x reader (*plus* Naoya) was incredibleee, ignore me if you want, I know you made Toji chosing to keep distance from reader and Megumi permanently BUT what if one day he ends up finally seeing Megumi, either personally or by pictures/videos 🥺 We know Megumi it's the spitted image of him, I mean, Gojo's face when he saw him for the first time said it all 😅 And also knowing his baby has the Ten Shadows technique (I cant stop thinking about how proud he was in the canon manga/anime 🥺 he always KNEW from the start Megumi was blessed/gifted, since his first breath, the fact Toji named him is not random) making the entire Zenin clan eat their shit

Heya anon!!

I'm so glad you liked it heheheheheheh a oneshot that I didn't intend to write but it just happened!! aren't we glad it did? lol

I didn't mean to ignore you, I was only focusing on other things first 😅 oof, I still have lots of request to go through, which I plan to do it slowly but surely...

Anyways, I might've not gone down that route, however... why not something angsty? I mean 😏I've had this in my mind so... yeah 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏

Warnings: mentions of infidelity. Pregnancy. Naoya is, unfortunately, a prick. this is the oneshot anon is talking about. 100% read that first hehe. this is an AU from that, so the second part doesn't count??? I guess. excuse the proofreading. also I haven't written toji that much so please excuse my oocness as well ahahahahha :')

Happy reading!

As much as the three hoped to ignore the bases of your pregnancy, behave as it didn’t rise from an adulterous act, a direct transgression to the principles of the Zen’in, and keep it a secret, it wouldn’t take long before the guilt in each other’s mind began to weight heavy on their mind, ultimately betraying them and revealing the truth to the light, excusing the angered elders to finally get rid of two birds with one stone.

“Where—Where does this accusation even come from?!” You gasp, blood turning cold at the implication—at the notion of the truth. “Do you know the gravity of such words?!”

“Better than you of the act, it seems.” Another accuses. “We were quite aware of the rumors surrounding your ill-fitting behavior, but we never believed it would actually extend to this point!”

“I—I won’t tolerate neither of you disrespecting me!” you cry. “Nor will Naoya for that matter!”

But calling for his aid would no longer prove sufficient, for Naoya, too deep in his own insecurities by that point, had come to the disheartening conclusion that this situation had gotten way out of hand for a simple diversion.

A supposed act of mercy.

He shouldn’t have let this happen in the first place, should’ve respected what you and your marriage represented, what meant to him, and discard his pity for Toji—the man has been alone most of his life, what difference would that make that now?

But he didn’t, he allowed you to go to Toji—no, he handed you over to him, thinking he was doing something right for his cousin, or perhaps something deep inside him was allured by the sick idea of you being with another man and now, he was suffering the consequences.

Consequences he did not like, not one bit—because it got too real for him: you were now pregnant, with Toji’s child, and not his.

And this only highlighted what he considered the pitfalls of this relationship, a strike against his ego and the supposed inability to beget children, a rumor that grew bigger and bigger by each passing day, spreading like wildfire to the point where even outsiders became aware of it.

Which, for a prideful man like Naoya, was only a nightmare.

He loved you, he really did—Naoya never envisioned spending the rest of his life with anyone else…

But he loved his pride more, and when his clan began to actively confront him about it, he couldn’t take it anymore.

And thus….

“…Naoya?”

“This marriage was broken before it even started.” Your husband would say, unexpected words that pierced straight to your heart. “My family advised me well in avoiding you, but I falsely believed I could achieve differently.”

“What—what are you even saying?” you breathe. “What do you mean by—by differently?”

And… where does everything you lived with him stand?

The time you spent with him, the sweet nothings he’d whisper into your ear, to love you both swore to one another, reminding each other that there was no one else that compares…

And that you were the only woman who has ever made him feel this way—loved— and would do everything in the world to make happy…

Was it… all … a lie?

All for… nothing?

Or were you the only one that actually believed the other’s words?

“I cannot look past these transgressions.” Naoya continues. “You’ve left me no choice.”

“But you—you made me do this!” you gasp. “I never—I never wanted to be with anyone else! All this time, my heart only belonged to you!  How could you—how could you abandon me after all we’ve gone through together?!”

Naoya doesn’t say anything else anymore, instead, he simply turns around, exiting the room to leave you in the hands of the vengeful elders who did not hesitate to do what they had long desired—banish you from the estate.

Swiftly yet cruelly, you wouldn’t be able to take anything with you, not even a change of clothes or even money (you didn’t even ask for much, just enough to survive the week) as you were forced to face a new life of your own—alone, pregnant.

Going back to your family was also out of the question; the shame that you’d bring upon their name was one the Zen’in didn’t not waste time to remind them of—at the end, there was only so much your father and siblings could do against the invasive ways of the elders, and perhaps, a part of them deep inside, were also disappointed that you’ve succumbed to such foul thing.

And so, you were tossed onto the street, with nothing more than the clothes you were wearing, whatever you had for savings throughout the years, managed to take it out before either clan could close your account—but most importantly, with a broken heart you believe will never heal, not after the grave wound your husband’s indifference inflicted on it.

The pain you couldn’t even mourn properly due to all the things you had to worry about now.

The first thing you did was search for a place to stay, though getting one was proving to be an almost impossible task.

Thankfully, you were allowed to keep one other thing, maybe it eluded their minds when all this was happening, but you’re not going to question why when it was going to help you pay for a roof.

Naoya’s ring, your wedding ring, was something many would consider expensive, the kind of flashiness expected from a prestigious family like the Zen’in.

You remember a time when any kind of ring would’ve been enough for you to marry him. You didn’t need anything extraordinary to commit your life and heart to him.

That’s nothing but a far cry from what you felt now.

It still hurt to pawn it, but it was the only way you could accommodate yourself and the unborn child inside you, in the only area you could afford with what you got, for even then many suspected that your ring… well, had dubious origins.

When was the last time you even had to worry about the costs of living? Food, clothes, water…?

Many years—it had to; ever since you got together with Naoya, he’s been the one that took care of you.

You just had to say the word and he’d disappear all of your worries—even from the simplest of wants, Naoya indulgingly obliged.

It was a happy life you eventually considered for your child—imagining how happy they’d grow to be without a single worry, solely focusing on what they’ll have to play that day, or how to escape their over doting parents.

A long-gone dream, tossed to the side as a nightmare quickly took its place.

…

Did Naoya ever mean the words I love you?

Or was he doing all this just to keep you there, complying, just in case someone better came along, just like his clan wished would happen?

There mere thought of his devotion being nothing but an act tightens your heart with sorrow once more, gifting you the tragic notion that perhaps, all this time, you never knew your husband…

Maybe ex-husband, by this point.

All that was left from those moments, the slightest semblance of that marriage was this baby, created from what you thought your unconditional devotion to him, turning out to be your very own downfall.

The only one that would know of these struggles would be your baby, the one to accompany you through the darkest point of your life, hopefully to a brigther dawn.

And yet… you’ve never felt so alone.

Time surprisingly, went quicker than you anticipated, though not as easy as you would’ve wanted.

Life in your new home was still very difficult to get used to, even when it’s been months since… that.

But with the job you managed to get (whatever place hired pregnant women—they’re supposed to be at home, some would say, you didn’t care.) and some extra jujutsu work you did on the side, you managed, enough to give you a, not exactly comfortable, but just enough lifestyle.

As long as you sacrificed all the things you once considered granted and turned them into luxuries: such as warm showers, take out, and the sweets you liked to indulge once in a while; your pregnancy has been horrible because of that, and that’s without considering the medical bills you’re struggling to pay as well.

But if that wasn’t enough, your noisy neighbors presented issues of their own as well.

You’re not going to deny that your presence there was like moths to a flame, starting from your somewhat suspicious acquisition—all cash—of the small house you were living in.

From there, your loneliness, alongside your pregnancy; single mothers were unheard of, or rather, highly criticized, thus, all eyes were on you, down to your smallest movement.

Yet, even then, as annoying as they were, you were ok as long as it meant you never get to see those that hurt you ever again.

However, what you want isn’t necessarily what’s going to happen, and that would be reminded of one fateful night with an unsuspecting knock, just after you were getting ready to go to bed.

It wouldn’t be the first time someone came to bother you, but it would be the first time someone did so at this hour, and with such insistence that far from worrying you, it made you angrily storm at the entrance, ready to demand who’d be so inconsiderate enough to visit you so late at night!

And you’d get your answer soon enough, in the most shocking, horrifying, if not sorrowful manner you could’ve possibly anticipated, prompting you to close the door as soon as you saw his face, or attempted to, his reflexes much faster than yours.

“Get—get away from me!” you shrieked, hands trembling as you did your best to hold the door shut against his overwhelming strength— but even your husband has admitted that in terms of power, he excels like no one else.

“Y/N—” he breathes, somewhat amused that you’d been able to hold him off as much as you could, though eventually he was able to break free from your grasp and enter your home, you step away from him soon after.

“What are you even doing here?!” you gasp. “No—that doesn’t matter! I don’t want to see you! I’m not going back!”

“I’m not here to take you back” He quickly responds, eyes falling down to your stomach, making his face soften at the subtle bump evident through your clothes—with this sight, he knows he can’t take you back.

“Then—then why are you here, Toji?”

Perhaps Toji needed to see through his own eyes, what the whispers went on about at the estate regarding your absence.

He wasn’t there when it happened, promised himself to be far away from you as soon as your pregnancy was announced to the estate.

Toji would’ve normally taken this opportunity to act on retribution against his family, rub it on their face that the future of the clan came from him, a low life.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do so when you cheerfully paraded around the halls, happy to finally be forming a family with your beloved husband, even though it wasn’t of his making.

For the first time in his life, he thought himself to be too cruel for having planned such atrocities against the only person that has never been rude with him, always welcoming him with a smile on your face, or at least whatever you permitted when not following Naoya around like a lost puppy.

And the baby… well, he won’t deny that he was glad that his child would have a vastly different life from his—with you as his mother, it couldn’t be any other way.

Or so he believed.

Even when promising to keep away, he still attempted to check in on you, especially now that you were pregnant, whenever he had to go to the estate that is. That day was no be no exception, begrudgingly coming back to see what else he could scam out of his family to ensure his living outside.

Toji’s slyly scanned the hallways for your figure, the briefest indication of such, either through your giggle, staff, or even his cousin’s annoying voice—there were moments where he imagined how delightful it must’ve been to have you by his side, instead of Naoya’s; to be receiver of your laughter instead of that man who clearly didn’t deserve you.

But even if it was with him, he still found comfort in the fact that you were around, there.

Not like now, gone from Naoya’s side.

In fact, you were nowhere to be seen! Not with your staff, not eating by the gardens, or even indulging in one of your husband’s idiocies.

Nothing.

And no one had seen you either.

Or more like didn’t want to say, that much became evident when he stomped his way towards a nearby staff member, demanding your whereabouts, only to be responded with a fret falsely feigning ignorance, or foolish diplomacy.

At the prospect of your disappearance, Toji felt his blood run cold, almost like the estate lost whatever little warmth it had, worsening each time he asked another servant, and he’d get the same answer.

The implications behind your absence were growing heavier in his mind, to the point it sunk his heart to his stomach…

And propelled him to the one person who would undoubtedly know where you were.

“Naoya—Where is Y/N?!” Toji commands the moment he sees the heir, the young man instinctively flinched at the sight of his angered cousin, almost as if he knew what was running through his mind and attempted to make a run for it, only to be stopped by the collar, dead on his tracks. “Do not run away, coward! Answer me!”

“She’s—she’s not here anymore.” Is what Naoya manages to squeak, but Toji doesn’t need to be reminded the obvious.

“Where. Is. She.” He hisses, the worst of his assumptions slowly becoming a reality. “What have you done to her?!”

“What—what needed to be done!” Naoya gasps. “I—I couldn’t allow it!”

Toji doesn’t remember much after Naoya told him that the clan decided she was better off on her own—only that the heir was on the floor, bloodied and whimpering while attempting to cover his face, either trying to control the throbbing of his skin, the blood from spilling anywhere else, or perhaps even shame.

No. It couldn’t be the last. To have done something like what he did required a shameless man to do so.

Nonetheless Toji didn’t bother to find out nor to be reprimanded, quick to assert what needed to be done and heading out the estate; he couldn’t even bother cursing those that had done nothing but the worst after the worst, each time a new low, for his mind solely pertained in finding you.

It took him a while to do so, as expected, but he knew it was only a matter of asking around for a woman that simply didn’t fit to do the job—and such, here he is now.

“I want—needed to see you.” Toji takes a step closer.

“Get—get away from me.”

“No, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“You were fine doing that before—what’s so different from now?” You spat.

“This is different, Y/N. You’re alone—and you need me.”

“I’m not alone—I don’t need you.” You gasp. “Get away from me or I’ll—I’ll call the police!.”

“If you don’t need me, then the baby does.”

It’s like he struck a nerve with his words, because soon after tears would begin to fall down your cheeks, revealing that the sight you attempted to portray, the strength you so fiercely put up against him, was nothing but a façade, a way to hide the fact that indeed, you needed help.

Exhausted from facing all these uncertainties on your own, afraid.

But not anymore, not when Toji was here, more than willing to step in, as seen in the way he swiftly holds you in his arms when he sees you almost faint from distress, attempting to comfort you as you continued to cry.

“Get— get away from me…!” you’d say again, still fighting against his hold. However, he doesn’t fight it, he simply allows you to vent, taking in all the pain and hatred your heart harbored from the moment you were kicked out of the estate. “Don’t touch me!”

“I’m not leaving” Toji insists, he feels you trying to squirm your way out from him, but his strength doesn’t allow it. “You can struggle all you want, but I’m not leaving you on your own—”

“What difference does it make to you? Your family abandoned me to my luck! And even forced my family to do the same!” you breathe, Toji’s eyes widen—he did not know that; his fury for the Zen’in grows, but this is not the time to deal with that. “They don’t care if I die on the street!”

“I know.” He murmurs, holding you tighter against him.

“And I—And I tried my best to—to move on, but I can’t! I can’t do it!” you sob. “I’m so alone, and scared, and—and ashamed! I don’t want to live like this anymore!! I don’t want to die!”

“…I know.”

“Why—why is this happening to me?! All I ever wanted was for—was for Naoya to love me. I never wanted anything else! I never wanted money, I never wanted to hurt anyone either! I just—I just wanted to live a happy life with him, to make him happy!

But then he—he tossed me away, at one thing he didn’t like, he acted like I didn’t even matter! He didn’t even put up a fight to defend me! he just—he just let them hurt me, like what we had was—a lie!

 Did he never—did he even love me?”

Speechless, all Toji could do is continue holding you as you kept on pouring out your feelings, hearing the heart wrenching sound of your sobs that just kept reflecting how wounded you were by Naoya’s betrayal, the transgressions of his family, and the disappointment of yours.

And all because of something you didn’t even suggest in the first place. It was him who made his way into Naoya’s mind, and eventually, it was Naoya who pushed you into it, regardless of what happened later.

He wanted to do it; you know?

He wanted to go back there and murder them for all they’d done against you.

But when he left that place one last time, he promised he would stop thinking about himself, and start doing what is right—what was needed.

If Naoya wasn’t to step up and be a man, then he would.

Toji would gladly throw away his own pride, his own anger and thirst for vengeance, just to see you safe and happy once more.

Things your husband, could simply not—but he… he’d do it in a heartbeat.

“I promise you.” Toji would reassure you once carefully placing you down to the bed after tiring yourself from crying, followed by a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

 “I swear, Y/N— I will not let my family do the same things they’ve done to me to our child. Even if it costs me my life, I will do everything in my power to keep the two of you safe.”

And unlike your husband, he means it.

Yes, a second part is coming :) just gotta put this one out first hehe.

Anyways, it's not exactly what you asked but I think it's going there??? I mean Toji STEPPED UP and was like OK imma take care of my baby mama. also, here Naoya .I. put it where it fits. ugh, can't say we're done with him...

agihajkgksa I'm excited for what's to come, I haven't written this level of angst in a while!! oof!!!

Thank you so much for your patience and for sending this ask :> I'm super happy you've like my oneshot so much!! I hope you'll be able to like this too!!

Take care, and see you soon! ❤️❤️

#ask #toji x reader #jjk toji #naoya x reader #naoya zen'in #toji fic #toji fushiguro x reader #toji x you #jjk angst #toji zenin #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x you #toji x y/n #prompt series: jujutsu kaisen

[irregularbillcipher]

honestly something that is more annoying than "that character would not fucking say that" or "i'm assigning you to actually look at the source material again" type headcanons are when you come across a headcanon where there is nothing technically wrong with it and you can't sit there and say "well you just don't get this like i do" because there is no actual solid evidence that whatever they're saying can't be the case, but it still feels like mischaracterization because of your own way too intense headcanons. and you're aware of that so you just have to sit there silently telling yourself "that is just as valid a read of the character as my interpretation :)" and trying not to go ham because you know you have genuinely no justification for feeling like canon is being ignored

#sorry for me this is whenever someone is like 'birdie is a widower and had a healthy relationship with his boys' mom' #technically until the 18th this is as canon as any other interpretations as to why birdie is a single dad #like nobody is reading anything WRONG here it just feels so fundamentally wrong to ME #(in all honesty though my main reasoning is that his whole character is mourning people he's lost. if he lost a partner he loved deeply #who was the mother of his children who he CANONICALLY loves and misses... he would be a wreck about it. as it is he never mentions the boys #mom and neither does his bio. his entire bio is an explanation of his worst losses and why he feels the need to drink. a loving partner #would probably get a mention. the fact that he was a /widower/ and not just a 'single dad' would get a mention #also considering the fact that there is a HEAVY implication that he's the only one paying for his kids' medical bills it doesn't #seem like a coparenting situation where maybe he just calls himself a single dad because majority custody or w/e. idk not to keep giving #this poor man a bunch of L's but 'birdie with a loving relationship to the boys' mom' just feels incomprehensible. she's clearly not in #their lives so the answers are she's dead or a deadbeat. he doesn't mourn her which takes dead off the table. sooooooooooo) #(okay so i suppose i do have some reasonings but i am aware i'm insane about them) #(.... any thoughts i have about kryptos gravity falls definitely falls under this tho)

[otaku553]

Thinking very hard about an AU idea of mine. Reluctant king Sabo AU!

In which Sabo isn’t saved by Dragon, but survives long enough to drift ashore and be saved by the doctors of Goa Kingdom, who do so only to ransom his medical bills from Sabo’s parents. Sabo’s parents take him back, thinking that his amnesia makes him a clean slate, but Sabo, young and stubborn and unsure of his entire identity, knows that everything is wrong and runs again, and again, and again.

Until at some point, he meets the Revolutionaries, and realizes that he can be useful to them, provide them information, make something good of an inescapable situation. From then on, he starts acting the noble that he was born as, in order to be a more useful informant to the Revolutionaries, until sunk cost fallacy hits and he believes that being a noble is the only way that he can be useful to the Revolutionaries. So at that point, why not take it all the way?

At 17, Sabo becomes one of Princess Sarie’s suitors, and at 17, he has doubts about using the princess for his own goals. Sarie is a romantic, and she wants a dramatic fairy tale of a romance, and she was already charmed, but the moment Sabo opens up to her about not wanting to use her to get to the throne, having lofty ambitions of helping the people (just not the people she thinks he’s talking about), Sabo becomes the one she simply must marry, because surely if she tries hard enough, she can make him love her back.

Soon after, the king and his son die. Sarie’s father and brother die. And while Sabo conveniently ascends to the throne, he also swiftly implicates his father, Outlook, in the assassination of all heirs to the throne, resulting in Outlook’s arrest and subsequent execution. And thus, at 18, Sabo becomes king, and begins to gradually institute great changes to Goa Kingdom.

Design-wise, Sabo wears an eyepatch because his damaged eye is considered a grotesque sight by nobles’ standards. Under the eyepatch, he wears heavy makeup to hide the burn scar. These are both at the behest of his birth parents, who spin a story about Sabo having been born half blind to hide the fact that Sabo had been shot by a Celestial Dragon and save face. To those who have seen his scar, they fabricate a second secret story that he was unfortunately kidnapped as a child. Sabo never does find out, until he regains his memories, where the burn scar is actually from.

#one piece #sabo #one piece au #king sabo au #I might write something for this #I have a lot of ideas for it #I love au’s where sabo helps the revolution while not being actually a member of the revolutionary army #but I very rarely see ones that I like #I am going to oc-ify sarie so much. #i think sabo would hate being king. I think he hates everything about the situation he is in #but I also think that in the wake of forgetting himself he needs some connection to cling onto #even if that connection is the extremely inspiring stranger that barely knows him but is proud of him for helping #namely dragon. #I’m still unsure where to put stelly in all of this #I think stelly gets extremely bitter when sabo starts surpassing him in everything #because he was supposed to be the successful replacement of a son #im also debating whether or not I want sabo to remember his memories before or after marineford #because the moment he regains his memories is very clear to me. I want garp to see him at the reverie and punch him. #but I don’t know if I want that to happen earlier or later

[yayakoishii]

Lucky | Sanji x Chubby!Reader

Fandom: One Piece

Pairing: Vinsmoke Sanji x Chubby! Reader

Could be considered a part 2 to Want but can be read (and is written as a) stand-alone!

Word Count: 1.8k

Genre: Angst, Fluff??

Warnings: Insecurity about stretch marks, mentions of/implications of (but not explicit) sex so Read At Your Own Discretion, low self esteem, etc.

A/n: I'm not the type of person to write about things that are personal to me, tbh, but this idea played around in my head. I know you can have stretch marks from a variety of reasons but I wrote my own, and I would just like to remind everyone that they're normal. You're absolutely gorgeous as you are, my lovelies. I hope you enjoy this little fic ♡

also available on ao3!

Sanji felt like the luckiest man in the entire universe.

When Sanji and you had finally got together, he couldn't believe it. It felt unreal to have you reciprocate his feelings, to have you look at him shyly but with warm eyes that made him feel seen and heard– and he was ready to swear over his life to you, holding back only so as to not freak you out. Unlike his usual grand confessions, you were more important to him, a person he could not even take the risk of driving away. If you found him clingy, or obsessive, and he lost you… somehow, even the thought of that made him feel like someone was stabbing at his heart with a fork, over and over.

And he was ready to take this relationship at your pace. Whatever you were ready to offer him, he would gladly take it. Even if you wanted to wait to have sex until you were married, he would gladly do it simply because he was already head over heels in love with you. It scared him a little, when he was by himself in the confines of dark nights, just how much he was ready to sacrifice for a shred of your pure heart. To have you around him as long as the world would let him… The fact that you never hesitated to showcase your love, though you were shy in public, made his heart soar. He never had to wait for anything – except maybe sex.

The problem though, seemed to be something else.

It's not like you didn't want it. Clearly, going by the number of times the two of you had engaged in heavy make out sessions that seemed to lead towards it eventually, you were as affected by him as he was by you. But everytime that happened, your eyes would suddenly lose their drunken haze and shift back into a sort of nervousness and sadness that made Sanji feel helpless. You would stop after that, drawing back into your shell, wrapping your arms around your body and blocking him out.

He took it easy. Sanji didn't want to push you into talking until you were ready, and he certainly didn't want you to feel that a relationship without sex wasn't on the table. So he waited, giving you time to talk about it yourself; it was no good. If anything, you got quieter over time, hesitating even more around him.

It drove him crazy, and he would have questioned if you truly did like him if it wasn't for the fact that you maintained all other aspects of physical intimacy. There was no hesitation when it came to giving him hugs or kisses or affirmations of how in love you were with him, whenever he felt vulnerable and insecure. And that was what made him wonder; were you struggling with your own insecurities of some sort?

It didn't make sense to him that someone as perfect as you should find anything to fault in yourself, but after all, his lens of love was not to be compared with the harsh critics that were your own eyes and mind. He knew you were hesitant of your own body, its curves and how it was different from the slender figures of the other ladies on board and on land.

In Sanji's eyes, you were perfect as you were– soft and warm in all the right places, with a kind and caring personality. There was nothing about you that he didn't love and nothing that he found ugly, yet he didn't quite know how to make you believe him.

It wasn't even that you hated your body. He had seen you have confidence at times, but he had also seen it waver when it came to rude comments or just general low moods. You had your moments of low self-esteem but even in those moments, Sanji found himself a slave of your beauty. No, a devotee would be a better word. He wanted to worship you and your body as you deserved and yet, all his plans were thwarted every time you stopped in the middle of an escalating make out session to give him a small smile and come up with some random excuse to leave.

You were all that he wanted, and he was determined to let you know just what you looked like through his eyes. Sanji's chance came sooner than he had thought, the very night of when he made the resolution.

You lingered around in the kitchen after dinner, humming a song shyly after Sanji had insisted. When he was done with the dishes, you had helped him put them back despite his protests.

"Join me, my love?" He had asked as the two of you stepped out of the kitchen. He had to lock it and he waited for your answer as he did so. You were silent for a while before you spoke up.

"Oh, Sanji, um," you hesitated, clearly overthinking and worried that if you declined then it would be in bad taste but clearly also hesitant of what he was hoping for. "I, I actually…"

"Nothing that you don't want will happen, sweetheart," Sanji said quietly, tucking a lock of your hair behind your ear. "I just want to spend some time with you."

"Oh!" You suddenly looked relieved and Sanji's heart clenched. Were you really afraid that he would force you to do something you weren't comfortable with? "Sure Sanji, I would love that too."

He held your hand in his as you walked to his room. Only once you were inside and he had closed the door behind him, did he speak.

"Sweetheart," he called out when you had settled comfortably on his bed. You looked up at him curiously. "Is it okay if I ask you something?"

You were quiet for a second, not unlike how you got when the sexual tension between you would get high. You clearly knew what he was getting to. Sanji waited until you nodded to move in closer to sit across from you.

"I just want to put this on the table before I ask," Sanji searched your eyes for something. "This relationship will always go at your pace. I do not mind waiting as long as you need me to, or even forever, if that is what you want. But what I want is for you to be comfortable and open with me. To tell me if something is bothering you. To be vulnerable with me, because you trust me. Is that alright, my love?"

"Of course, Sanji," you inched closer to him, a hand reaching out to take his. He let you, and brushed his knuckles against the inside of your wrist, watching you squirm at how it tickled.

"Do you not want to have sex with me, sweetheart?" He asked clearly. You flinched at that, and he could see the torment you were facing bubble up to the surface. "It's alright, love. Just tell me what you really think. I understand if I'm not appealing in th–"

"No!" You interrupted, looking at him with a pout. "It's not that. God, Sanji, you drive me insane all the time. I would have to be blind to not appreciate your figure."

"Then is it something else?" He asked seriously, hand now coming up to cup your cheek. You leaned into his touch, giving him a sad smile.

"Of course I want to… do it with you," you flushed, embarrassed at having to say that aloud. "I want it but… I don't want you to see me."

"You don't want me… to see you?" Sanji repeated, unsure of what you meant. Your hand came up to hold his where it rested on your cheek.

"I… have stretch marks," you looked embarrassed. "Maybe it's stupid to you– it probably is, but I know it's not what is considered appealing. I know I'm… not as slender as you might prefer, and I'm just… scared that you would look at me and feel disgusted. Feel like you made a mistake and break us off. I know!" You stressed it when Sanji looked like he was about to say something, "I know that you're kinder than that. But I don't want to lose you. I don't want to see you looking at me with disgust. I don't care about my stretch marks but when I think of you seeing them… I feel like I would rather die."

"Shh," Sanji shook his head, upset at your words. "What are you saying, my love? As if something like that is enough to shake my love for you. I can't even begin to tell you where my love for you begins or where it ends, because it's fathomless and so much that it scares even me. Any marks on your body are a part of you. I'm sure even they are as beautiful as the rest of you."

"Really?" Your voice was meek, wanting reassurance but also not wanting to be burdensome.

"Let me show it to you," he whispered, gently lowering you onto your back. The action made your shirt ride up a little, revealing the white and red marks. You squirmed and raised your head to see what Sanji planned to do.

A gasp left your lips when he placed a soft peck on one, marking the path to the next without lifting his lips. The action tickled you and a warmth pooled into your gut, along with the understanding that Sanji would never be disgusted by you or your marks. He would love every inch of you.

"They are like lightning," he whispered into your skin, warm breath fanning the cool surface, causing you to shiver. "Like pathways mapping the surface of the temple of the goddess I worship. Like waves crashing into the ocean, for me to appreciate, along with every part of you. I could never hate them, or you, sweetheart. Every part of you is meant to be worshipped, to be sung prai–"

"Alright," you choked, feeling overwhelmed. He kissed you in between as he spoke, careful never to move downwards or to make the act sexual. Every part of it felt like he was whispering and etching reminders of his love into your skin, like carefully tucked in notes in the folds of your flesh. "Sanji. Sanji, come up here."

He hovered above you for a few seconds, blue eyes misty with want before he gently lowered himself next to you on his bed. You swallowed the thick lump in your throat as you cupped his cheeks and took in every inch of his face, took in the blonde hair falling into his eye– and couldn't help but think.

"Heavens, I love you more and more each day, Sanji."

Think that contrary to what he believed, the lucky one was actually you.

#one piece #one piece imagines #one piece fanfic #one piece x reader #one piece sanji #op sanji #vinsmoke sanji #vinsmoke sanji x reader #sanji x reader #black leg sanji #sanji fanfiction #sanji fic #angst and fluff #insecurities #insecure reader #chubby reader #stretch marks #you're all gorgeous my loves <3

[huginsmemory]

Trigun and Christianity

In lieu of trigun Stampedes choice to make Wolfwood an undertaker instead of a priest (to, well, my disappointment), I thought it might be interesting to look at some of the Christian themes in Trigun, and then also look at why they might have decided to choose for Wolfwood to be a undertaker then a preist, and a potential reason to why Trigun has these Christian themes. Also, btw, this is chock full of manga spoilers so, beware!

To start it off... trigun is actually... pretty heavy on Christian themes. Fuck man, the main character is basically an angel, and in one of the first volumes they literally describe the plants as something divine (although they are later declared to be something humans made... But nevertheless the very clear imagery is there). Also what features very strongly is pacifism and the themes of unconditional love; Vash's refusal to kill coming from believing that going forward, anyone can change, even when he is literally being harmed or attempted to be killed by others. These themes of pacifism and unconditional love are very Christian, and Vash's actions very much centre him as a Jesus-like character. In fact, even the way that he (and knives) was born, a virgin birth, also could be seen as an allusion, as well as the way that he holds a physical form as a human while being more than human- Jesus being considered a 'son of man' while also being the son of God; ie, something in-between, something both divine and human. Knives as well is written in that angelic and divine light, although he is done so in a dark opposite of Vash, with an emphasis on his 'divinity' for imagery as he is obsessed with it. Interestingly, contrast to Knives, Vash, who goes around as a human, is multiple times called a Devil for his reputation, although he is the one that actually is virtuous... This in a way also alludes to him as a Jesus-like figure, as that Jesus was ultimately sought after by the authorities and in some places hated and even driven away by people.

12 disciples

As well, Nightow is pretty blatant that the gung ho guns, of which there are 12, is a allusion to the 12 disciples; hell, Wolfwood calls them straight up disciples when he is at Jeneora Rock. One might argue that then whether that posits Knives as a Jesus figure as that they follow Knives directions, or if one would consider Vash to be the Jesus figure, as the 12 literally seek out, and 'follow' Vash, and of which one of them literally betrays (although, technically, Wolfwoods betrayal goes both ways). However, I don't think that argument is really one that matters, as it's more of the aesthetic of Christianity that Nightow likes in this matter, not the philosophical implications.

As well, as mentioned above, Wolfwood is very Judas-coded; he gets close to Vash, only to inevitably betray him and deliver him up to his fate, while clearly being torn up about it. Vash is not surprised at all when Wolfwood tells him that he was one of the gung ho guns, and you get the sense that he knew about it all along, and knew exactly what he was walking into. Yet he still loves and forgives Wolfwood for all of it. Which... is exactly the same thing that occurs between Judas and Jesus, Jesus willingly going with Judas even though he knew what lay before him.

Wolfwood

As well, quite obviously adding to the heavy Christian themes of trigun, is that Wolfwood calls himself a priest. Although indeed it's part of his front, it's clear Wolfwood in the manga is religious, challenging and calling upon God in response to seeing the Knives born, and his response to the fifth moon incidence where he questions if it was the hand of God (which, actually, is caused by Vash's hand... again alluding to the 'divinity' of Vash and Knives). This clear religious affiliation continues through the series, such as when he is rescuing Vash from Knives, and even praying while he is on the ship with the people that helped vash.

Wolfwood also throughout the series is very clearly is morally wraught with guilt over his choices and sins... Something that's very Catholic/Christian. Hell, the fact that the punisher, the insignia of his murderous profession, is a literal heavy cross that Wolfwood carries with him, is poetic irony; he's literally carrying around the embodiment of his sins and his guilt from his profession and choices, which weighs both heavily on his physical body but also him emotionally. Wolfwood's guilt over his sins and choices comes to its climax when he's about to die when rescuing Vash from Knives, after betraying him; where he questions whether he can be forgiven for what he has done and whether he was wrong, and in response Vash saves him, declaring that he is not wrong; not wrong to go against orders, leaving his vocation of being a murderer behind, in trying to save Vash and moving forward. In declaring Wolfwood that he was not wrong, what Vash (heavily implied divine, Jesus-like character) is declaring is that Wolfwood can be forgiven for his sins, is already forgiven for his betrayal (unconditional love, anyone?), and that Wolfwood can change, that his past doesn't define him, because his future is also a blank ticket.

As well, this is followed up later by Wolfwoods confession to Vash that he hates killing:

The confession and the way he phrases it- seeing all humans as his brethren (although, in this sense he may be speaking tangentially about Livio) is something that also has Christian overtones. (Also, the way that they mention Vash sees the whole of humans as his relatives, also ties into that; except personally I'd argue that's more of a Indigenous view then a Christian, but theres plenty of things that overlap with other theologies and philosophies within the manga that aren't just characteristics of Christianity).

Redemption via acts

There's also a theme of redemption via acts, which both Wolfwood and Vash lean into heavily as a result of guilt from their 'sins', something that is very... Well, again, Christian, especially Catholic. Vash, from being unable to stop Knives and having obliterated July and just his and knives general existence, and Wolfwood from his profession, and so they both struggle with immense feelings of guilt. As a result both are very self-sacrificing; Vash very obviously so throughout the series, and Wolfwood in a quieter way, in choosing to continue to work to protect the orphanage, even though he desperately wants to escape the life he leads and hates killing people. They both don't believe they deserve to be loved because of the weight of their sins, and so they redeem themselves the only way they know how by self-sacrifice; this literally causing Wolfwoods death as he didn't reach our to Vash for help, and is evident in the way Legato looks at Vash at the end and realizes he sees a man that only sees himself as a tool and hates himself. This belief of Vash's that he doesn't deserve love/nice things is something that is also interesting, because he so aggressively pushes the 'blank ticket of the future', ie, unconditional love, while clearly being unable to apply it to himself.

Tldr: the point is, Trigun is very heavily Christian themed, both in aesthetic and philosophy, and the characterization of both Vash and Wolfwood reflect that. The show is rampant with such Christian philosophical themes as unconditional love, sin and guilt, confessions, forgiveness and redemption through self-sacrifice; for aesthetic ones, well, literal 'angels' as main characters, Wolfwood being a priest and carrying a cross, the 12 gung ho guns as 12 disciples.

Wolfwood as an Undertaker

Since Trigun is so heavily Christian themed, it makes it... well, a bit of a strange choice to pull the fact that Wolfwood is a preist out, since him as a preist further emphasizes the moral quandries within the story and the themes of sins/guilt/forgiveness and unconditional love. However, as one other post here on tumblr mentioned, stampede as an iteration of trigun is more directed towards a more modern and Japanese audience, some of which can be seen with the revamp of the character designs to make them more relatable, and I think they mentioned some specific character traits with Meryl. This re-vamping, especially one specifically for a Japanese audience might explain why Wolfwood becomes a undertaker instead of being a Christian priest. Nightow in the back panels in the manga is clearly is very enthralled with American culture- and his knowledge and love of the American genres shows pretty strongly in the themes and the setting for Trigun. In fact, the 1998 anime was better recieved in the west then in Japan, and a possible likelihood for it's higher popularity within the Americas is going to be directly because of the western audience being more familiar with the Western genre, as well as specifically, the Christian themes within the show (since western countries cultures are Christian based, even if one wasn't raised religious). As well, compared to the other typical gunslinging space western anime, Cowboy bebop, Trigun contains more Christian themes, which would make it less relatable, and less popular to the Japanese audience (of course there are many other differences in the shows, so I would be reluctant to chalk it up to just the religious themes in trigun- hell, Cowboy Bebop makes some great criticisms of capitalism that is not present in Trigun). Circling back to them revamping the show, if they are trying to make it more relatable to a Japanese audience, then removing more overly American influences, such as one of the characters literally being a Christian priest, would fit that bill quite well.

Trigun and Christianity... Why?

Also, I personally think that Nightow didn't exactly mean to make a story that is really heavily Christian themed. My sneaking suspicion from reading chapter 0, is the Nightow thought that writing a western with a main character gunslinger that is a pacifist would be a fun and interesting prospect, and then when he began to elaborate on it, he began to pull in more western (both cultural and genre wise) themes and aesthetics into the story, resulting in something that is very heavily Christian themed in the end.

EDIT: it's been raised to my attention by the lovely @trigum, that it says in the wikipedia on Nightow that he was raised buddhist and converted to Catholicism, although there is no source for that information. If so, this would, well, very obviously explain why Trigun is so heavy on Christian themes and negates the paragraph above. I'm not giving him enough credit then, my apologies Nightow!

EDIT 2:

Edit 3 (Feb 3): made a somewhat part 2, specifically looking at the phrase the 'bride of Christ'.

#trigun #trigun spoilers #trigun maximum #trigun anime #trigun 1998 #trigun stampede #wolfwood #nicholas d. wolfwood #vash the stampede #knives millions #feels wierd to write about Christianity #uh. yeah if thjs is incoherent please ignore me hah #also not to say that trigun is a very Christian bit of media but also??? it kinda is? #as ex christian the amount of guilt coming off these characters is so v me in middle school figuring out im queer #also sad about wolfwood not being a preist for both poetic irony but also. let's be honest that poetic irony is hot #also like. nightow best charcter design ever. sorry no one will be able to design a better character then trained assasin priest #who carries a huge cross machine gun and is full of guilt over his sins #and loves children #is this also tangentally vashwood #yes. ignore me #vashwood #if ur like ur writing is rambly sorry! i know a bit of it is repetitive #do i care? nope not any more #nightow slapping both vash and wolfwood: these boys can fit so much christain guilt in them

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Aroace Alastor

Hoo boy here we go- This one might make some people mad at me, so I'll preface by saying I do not want to start a fight and as long as you respect my business, I'll respect yours. But let's get this over with-

First off, I genuinely don't understand how some people can see the Ace-In-The-Hole quote and still believe that Alastor is only intended to be asexual and not also aromantic. Yes, the term Rosie used for purpose of the pun was 'ace', but can we look at the context of that moment before jumping to conclusions?

Rosie, motioning to Charlie: "Oh, who's this you brought with you? Come now, Alastor, she's much too young for you! Oh, I'm just kidding. I know you're an ace in the hole!"

Her original statement implies nothing sexual, only that he's involved in a relationship with Charlie, and she follows it up with why she knows that couldn't be because he's an 'ace in the hole'. I don't think you have to read too far between the lines to see that.

I would also like to say that when Vivienne has spoken about his orientation before, I recall her saying that she didn't want to confirm him being aromantic so that she wouldn't 'ruin anyone's fun', which I just feel like is an odd thing to say if she wasn't already explicitly picturing him as aroace. If she thought he had romantic attraction, why wouldn't she just say that? What fun would that ruin? I also feel like keeping things like this ambiguous just to appease the shippers is a little weird, but I digress-

And to those of you who I know are saying "But aromantic people can be in relationships too!!" *deep inhale* yeah I know. I'm not gonna pretend you're not right about that, but there are also aroace people who have exactly 0 interest in romance or sex at all. This is the part of the post that really is based on how I interpret certain moments, but to me he is absolutely one of those people. I don't really know where people get any vibes of him being interested in that stuff. I have never once looked at him and thought "Yeah I could see him in a romantic relationship with *insert character here*". Even aside from attraction in general, since that's what we'd be talking about at this point anyway, he just seems like the kind of guy who'd rather work and live independently instead of relying on anyone, whether practically or emotionally (which is also probably part of the reason he never joined the Vees, but that's another topic entirely). Hell, I'm pretty sure he's in heavy denial about even developing any kind of care or friendship with the people at the hotel (ie. the episode 8 scene with him and Niffty).

The only ships I see him involved in with people he doesn't hate (so ignoring RadioApple, RadioHusk, and StaticRadio. But to be real, maybe the fact all his main ships are enemies to lovers coded says something about the whole situation, but that's just me-) are Charlastor - which I will not even try to discuss here, people aren't gonna like this post as it is - and RadioRose. Rosie and him would at least be fair, if it weren't for one thing (which is also personal opinion on my end), and I don't know exactly how to word it. I'm tempted to say she has wingwoman vibes? But she knows he's aro, so that's not the right word, but there's vibes of like, she probably did act as a wingwoman before she realized that about him or something.. There's also something about her joking around like "Oh this is the girl? You have a girlfriend and I'm only now meeting her?" is almost giving motherly behavior. Idk man they're just besties to me, I could see them in a QPR though (not that they'd probably label it that way, considering the word queerplatonic is likely just complete gibberish to Alastor lmao).

So to summarize: It feels incredibly likely, if not practically canon, that Alastor was written with aromanticism in mind, even if Vivienne refuses to explicitly state it. Subtext and not-that-subtle implications can say just as much about a character as word of God, especially when that God has explicitly told us why she won't confirm or deny this information. Do I think any of this will stop people from shipping him romantically with literally any other character? No ofc it won't, and that's okay, that's just what fandoms do. I do think there's something to say for the fact the one aroace (or even at the very least asexual) character gets constantly shipped with everyone else in the cast, but this post is long enough I think. The only point of posting this is that I wanted to get information out there in one post to say "Hey, let's look a little bit past the surface for a second before saying there's no proof of him being aromantic"

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you at least took something away from this

#*prepares to be metaphorically burned at the stake* #i will also say i have a complicated relationship with staticradio #if its one sided thats fantastic but the moment alastor reciprocates feelings im out #will probably make a post on that too at some point #hazbin hotel #alastor #aroace alastor #rosie hazbin hotel #platonic radiorose

[madcatlad]

I doubt Jesson intended it but... why do I keep running into this really heavy theme throughout mcd.

Hear me out:

Children turning out to be monsters despite their parents efforts.

Let's start of with the obvious red flags

Zenix.

It is implied that he was very young when he was taken in by Garroth. It is also said outright that he was a shadowknight even before that. The dark implication of this is that Zenix became a shadowknight at a young age (children becoming shadowknights is rarely mentioned within mcd, it notably is only implied with Zenix, and Alexis.) Garroth took Zenix under his wing, so much so the kid was literally described as like a son to Garroth. But despite his efforts Zenix betrayed Phoenix Drop. The way they address this issue stands out to me as multiple characters seem to describe Zenix as "already gone" from his arrival to Phoenix Drop. Even Laurence. Now one could chalk this up to Jess being unable or unwilling to truly address Zenix as a tragic character, and simply paint him as the conniving villain the series needed at the time (before Zane). And i think there is some truth to that. However the fact that Zenix' motives have remained notably undefined and his actions seem to contradict from what we are told about him so insistently. Even for Jessica this is a clear sign that something is up. "Already gone"... because my writer brain loves parallels I automatically connected it to (again) the only place that this idea is brought up in the series: Zane.

Zane.

Zane in mcd is evil, his motives also seem a little unclear at times, but this is because he characterized to be power hungry, unpredictable, and- undeniably evil. But was it always this way? Zane would prefer to watch the world burn than rule it. He seems to just hate people, so what terrible event caused such a terrible person? Nothing apparently. As said by Zianna, he was "always that way".

Zenix' "Already Gone" hits far too close to Zane's "Always That Way" for me. And the parallels don't end there, Zenix and Zane mirror one another in interesting ways. Both have familial-like attachment to Garroth, and their nature/motivation seems to torment and confuse him endlessly. They both became shadowknights (both were chosen by the shadow lord despite being outside of his usual "type" - Zane:At twink, Zenix:A child.) And they both seem to be obsessed with power, yet both have some kind of trauma surrounding people in power (Zane:Garte, Zenix:Implied to have been wronged by a lord in some way.) All this being said I have to point out Zenix and Zane both start with Z. They are the only ones aside from Zoey with a Z starting name, and since they already share so many qualities I can see this being a way for Jess to foreshadow this.

Garroth, like he did with Zenix, he questions what led Zane on his path but Zianna seems to put this idea to rest entirely, and her word is taken as fact. Which is fair the idea isn't too shocking, considering the kind of person Zane was. But the fact that even Garroth thought to question the cause of Zane's nature and is immediately shut down by Zianna, and then it is never mentioned again. It's just to reminiscent to how Garroth compartmentalized Zenix' downfall and never mentioned it again. It's just too close.

Zianna at the end of the day is Zane's mother, which one could argue that she knows him best, however parents can be blind to the trauma that young children might face and the results that this may cause. Important to note is that Zianna is likely a victim. A constant state of fight or flight could absolutely block her from realizing or addressing the effects of prolonged trauma in her children. In her mind she was taking the blunt of the rather, a shield between harm and her children, but as in most cases, and as shown in both Garroth and Vylad this was not the reality, so it would be easy to connected that this would be the same with the middle son, Zane.

But in the misfortune of her situation Zianna did the best that she possibly could. But Zane ended up the way he did anyway. The way that Zianna is characterized in her short time on screen really encapsulates the backbone of this concept. Her guilt, and her grief are so compelling, and the manner in which she rationalize her traumatic experience is very believable... but identifying a child who was raised in a household that actively encouraged cruelty as just "always like that" is very suspicious to me. And the strong thematic intersections aligning between Zenix and Zane makes me believe that there is something going on here.

Brian

Last but not least.

This reveal was unexpected but impactful. It was shocking because of this concept. Despite Molly's best efforts Brian became a traitor anyway.

It came alongside Zenix' in a way which I think is interesting. It was implied that they had some kind of relationship. And they both ended up betraying Phoenix Drop.

I wonder where this guy is now...

But some honorable mentions since this concept is interesting to me. (Most of the arcs were put aside so it is interesting to think where they could have gone considering the circumstances, so I'm connecting it to this mini-theory.)

Season 1, when Baby Alexis was turned into an adult SHADOWKNIGHT! She was returned to normal of course but still... is that a possible destiny for her to be weary of?

Leona. Kiki is so sweet, and a great mom, bit... there is too much mystery and unanswered questions surrounding this child of her's. (Why did Zane even do this?) She is somewhat implied to kinda-but-not-really be Zane's? Regardless of the reality one way or another she is a result of Zane, a pawn in his plot, maybe one that died with him, maybe one that returned with him, we don't know.

Considering this thematic presence throughout MCD I wonder where this would have led in season three. It would be interesting if this heavier side to the series continued. Especially since Aphmau is raising the heir to a destroyer's relic. If this theme is to be believed then where would that lead to in Alina's destiny?

"Minecraft Diaries: Son and Daughters"

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46724815

#aphblr #aphmau #zianna ro'meave #zane ro'meave #garroth ro'meave #zenix mcd #brian mcd #leona mcd #shad the destroyer #mcd #minecraft diaries

[archivalofsins]

Let's talk about Caligula Effect 2 and Milgram again today~ Though this may not make much sense or be hard to follow. Because still sick so I'm just typing stuff honestly.

I really like Cocoa #QP. She reminds me a lot of Mahiru. I've also finished Doktor's fight. To be fair I might have been a bit over leveled for it. So, he went down pretty easy. Yet, that's not the only reason I'm here.

I'm actually here to discuss how people put themselves and others into boxes and how that's impacted Milgram. This is something discussed over the course of Gin Noto's character story. Mostly showcasing how sometimes not having an exact box to fit into can cause a person emotional distress or to feel alienated.

There's discussion to be had around how labels and boxes are a way for some to foster not only a sense of community but a sense of self. Tangent I feel that this is why Caligula Effect 2 is very hit and miss for me because most of the lessons in it are things I already know. Plus, the narrative can be a bit more on the nose and leading than it was in the first game.

Something that makes a bit of sense consider how the first one was received. However, I tend to like the first games and Milgram's way of letting the audience draw it's own conclusions. Being put in a position where one has to think for themselves, and they only have themselves to blame for the conclusions they've drawn is far more invigorating to me then having everything spelled out for me. All nice and neat.

Yet, even though Caligula Effect 2 is very heavy handed in my opinion and this makes the characters rather grating in certain areas. There were still things that I feel went over a lot of people's head. That I feel Yamanaka is striving to hone in on through Milgram.

That thing being bias and idolization. Because the player is with the Go Home Club and those are the characters who the player gets to know through character episodes the audience leaves Caligula Effect 2 feeling more sympathetic for the Go Home Club members while it's far easier to ostracize and other the musicians.

The Go Home Club members direct parallels. Even easier for one to downplay how the Go Home Club members threat these other people within the narrative because through playing you learn more about these characters and feel as though you have adequate explanations for their behavior and the times they do end up lashing out.

The Go Home Club members end up lashing out a lot. In very unjustified ways where it's clear that they are taking out anger they hold towards themselves and their own personal situations out on the musicians. Hell Kiriko, flat out admits she did this to the second musician we fight. The only redeemable thing in that encounter is the fact that Kiriko and Pandora are doing the same thing in that instance projecting personal issues on the other party.

However, this continues to be a consistent issue the Go Home Club Members have when encountering the musicians moving forward. The most egregious examples of this being Mu-kun and Gin Noto in my opinion because Gin just hates on this guy and trash talks all his dreams when the dude is genuinely curious about why we want to leave.

Something not really fixed in my opinion by the implication that Gin was a fan of their music or them later. Like the treatment Mu-kun faces is so undeserved that the plot literally pulls a Deus Ex Machina to have him forget the last seven days entirely. Because he's still rightfully mad and doesn't give a fuck about Gin's apology after everything that occurred.

Because people don't need to be nice to you after you take all your personal frustrations out on them. Turning this whole ass other person with feelings into an object for you to release your hate and anger out on for a cheap bit of a catharsis is dick behavior and no one has to accept and I'm sorry about that after it's done to them. Just because someone is having a bad time doesn't mean it's okay for them to make someone else's time bad.

Yet, this isn't really something I've heard discussed when it comes to Caligula Effect 2. No one has gone yeah that was a very rude way for them to consistently treat the musicians. In fact I've been streaming it and most of the stream I've been a bit on edge because I've been seeing these assholes do asshole things. Yet, I keep being told there will be something that will excuse it later you'll find out why it was actually okay they treated people like this later.

While every part of me is like yeah I don't think there's much that excuses this behavior. I don't think there's one damn infallible reason to treat another person struggling with their own things the way I've seen these people treat others. While the game is completely showcasing that it is not okay to treat others like this regardless of what you have going on.

Through characters like Sasara, Shota, and literally how most of the group reacts to Gin's behavior in the planetarium with the same distaste and drawing of attention to the change in attitude that was shown towards Mifue's behavior during the Sweet-P incident. Like why are you so mad this isn't like you.

Yet, again because people have grown to know these characters through playing the game benefit of the doubt is immediately extended to them and a us vs them mindset is formed. Giving off this feeling of how could you be sympathizing with the musicians. How could you feel this treatment is out of place? I mean it kind of is but they have their reasons.

Cool what if those reasons don't justify in anyway how they treat others and by extension themselves to me? What if it is my personal belief that regardless of what goes on in someone's life they shouldn't make whipping boys out of themselves and those around them. What if childishly I believe living this way is unhealthy and unproductive? What if it's not excusable to me to deny yourself and those around you happiness simply because you've taught yourself to hate yourself without measure for one reason or another.

What if for as much as I understand where the mentality is coming from I'm at a point where I recognize that is not an excuse for how that mentality impacted others and at points could have done irreversible harm if someone didn't intervene? Which it gets to that point a few times actually.

Well, that's when the bias that Caligula Effect 2 seeks to highlight comes in. This is highlighted first through the glorification and idolizations of the original go home club and μ by X. What can a person defend just because they have a good relationship with someone. Just because they're someone's kid. How willing are they to assume the worst of everyone around them because everybody is someone pulling down the name of their favorite person.

Is enough for them to not care for humans without even knowing much about them? Is it enough for them to break into someone's else's mundane everyday- Dragging that person back to reality because they need the help. Because they need to prove mom didn't cause this and the mean humans need to stop blaming her for everything. How much is it worth to crush someone else's dream? How far are people willing to go to get what they want and does it matter what they do to get there? Do the ends justify the means?

Possessing someone else's body without warning making it so if the one did that were to die that person would die too. None of that matters. Talking all this good shit about people she doesn't even know lauding them on high just because of what mommy told you. The first go home club members were good people- That's a funny thing to just say without any firsthand knowledge. Mommy said so and that's enough? She doesn't even know these heroes that saved the world and showed her mom the error of her ways or what it took to get to that point.

Yet, X created this silly fairy tale of grandeur and good intentions. How childish and gross. I hope she grows up one day~ Then we get to the root of the issue with Doktor-

"I'd care more about one of you being sad than a bunch of humans I barely know."

Ingroup bias. Or basic favoritism. People are more likely to be kinder to those they view as being on their side and do more for those they view as emotionally important. Sound familiar-

"“Throw down”, someone’s value cannot be the same as another. “Throw down” should choose between superiority or inferiority."

This person is more important simply because I will it to be so. I think it therefore it is. I feel that they're more important therefore they are. Of course they had their reason for behaving in this way. I know this person well enough to say it was justified. I know them well enough to know they're good/can be good.

I don't want to questions if they've just been good to me, if they could be wrong, if someone could be a victim to them. Because that would mean I don't know a good person when I see one that would mean I could be bias. That would mean I could forgive something unforgivable if it was just attached to a person I liked- Oh, well that's just Milgram isn't it?

That's just like Milgram except instead of holding your hand to that conclusion Yamanaka is watching you leap towards it willingly this time. Because bias hurts. Bias is inherently unempathetic. Because bias will always create an us against them scenario. A Go Home Club in oppossition to musicians. It's much easier for the human brain to frame those in direct oppossition to them as wrong regardless of how polite they're being about it. Regardless of if they're about to be physically assaulted in front of you. Hell even if they were on your own side but it turns out cutting them down happens to be an easier way to your goal.

It came up in one that we were crushing peoples dreams. That there were people who could only get their happiness in Mobius. That there were possibly hundreds of thousands of people who could not do the things they could do within here in the real world. Without much pause and completely recognizing this was the case the first go home club continued forward with what they wanted. Because the only thing worth crushing another's dreams is a dream of one's own. Fact is if anyone wants to go home they have to come to terms with the fact that the dreams of some of these people are things that are absolutely impossible in reality.

That sort of person would have to constantly spit in the faces of those who may want to stay here to do that. Spit in the faces of the people this world was made for even. Never once discussing how easy it is to face reality when a person has one to go back to at all and never touching on the people who may not. At least as far as I know right now that's not happening but it might. Again in one we talk about this tentatively and the go home club feels bad but ultimately decides to leave because it's what they want to do. However, their is recognition of our own desires conflicting with and ruining the wishes of others.

Because virtual or real the reality is when it comes to the wishes of others someone is always getting the short end of the stick. Because not everyone's wishes can come true. Sometimes one person's wish conflicts with another's. Because of this there can never be a world without regrets. Because sometimes one person's happiness can be another persons misfortune. That can be a regret in itself.

Yet, that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive towards what will make us happy. Just because things are like that doesn't give anyone the right to step on others and end their lives just because they were having such a hard time. That's not fair, that isn't right. Everyone is having a hard time what makes this hard time so different from anyone else's? What makes it forgivable.

The only thing that does is that feeling in people's chest that tells them that they know this person. That there's good in this person that they have their reasons. The reasons they've projected on them, the reasons they can sympathize with, the reasons that make it all make sense in their book. Yet, those reason come at the expense of someone else's good name, someone else's life. It comes at the expense of dehumanizing someone in the worst way making them out to be a problem that needed solving instead of a person that was deserving of the exact same consideration being shown to the people that hurt them.

No one is above bias and that's why sin isn't easy. Milgram shouldn't be easy. It's not meant to be easy. People aren't easy- Relationships not only to individuals but groups aren't easy. Because easy things are painful. Easy things ignore the intricacies of a situation that people are usually suffering under.

Easy puts the fault on individuals instead of systems. Easy says the Go Home Club Members and the Milgram characters had to repond how they did because life was hard on them. They didn't have a choice. Conveniently without ever touching on why life was hard, if it had to be, who made it that way, the services and systems that failed these people over and over. Because why change the way things have always been when one can just put it on the individual to save themselves and choose whether or not that's forgivable or not later. Why think about it any harder when we can wait for a crime to happen and then administer the punishment?

Let's keep it simple. Sure they couldn't hack in their environment but others could so they're the odd ones here. Let's just have the punishment fit the crime and if I can forgive I can forgive. No need to think more deeply of it. That's how this has always worked. That's how Milgram is. It's how people are giving excuses to those they biasely like and having no mercy for those they don't. Be more bias because that's the best way to make it hurt more.

None of this is meant to be easy. Honestly, if it is for anyone then chances are they just haven't thought about it enough. Because bias isn't all fun and games. When a person is bias the only thing that comes from it is pain regardless of how positively or negatively they view someone/something. There are boxes and there are cages bias is a cage that doesn't help anyone.

#gunsli rambles #milgram #caligula effect 2

[jeskoholic]

Undying Love - Olivia Hye (Part 2)

Authornim: continuation and finale of a two-part shot

Here’s Part 1.

Here’s the Masterlist.

Tags: Olivia Hye x Male OC, Death and Reincarnation, Lover’s Sex, protected sex, blowjob, eating

Trigger Warning: Themes of death, mentions of self-harm, implications of suicide, violence, heavy angst, desperation, sexual content

Word count: 38k+

Enjoy!

---

Weeks have passed since Son Hyejoo and I shared our first interaction ever, and yet it already felt like months with all the development that followed after that. I would have preferred if it were under different circumstances, but apparently it was the sole reason that she got interested into talking with me. I cannot blame her; certainly after causing such a huge scene in front of many watching eyes just like that, our succeeding encounter was all but certain. Although, up until now, I never gave her a specific answer as to why I even did that in the first place as I merely dismissed it with a short excuse. Maybe it was also one of the reasons why she took a strong interest in me after what happened. She wanted to know the answer.

Perhaps her inquiry was the reason why I am waiting inside a small bubble tea shop not far from the school. It was weekend too, and the sun was bright up so I don’t really get why she would meet me up on this time of the day. Normally she would be busy on something else.

Initially, when I promised myself that I would ask Hyejoo out, I did not view it to be just like this. Instead, it felt more like it was he, who became the one that was asking me out, which was strange. I was determined beforehand, maybe even desperate, to find the connection between her and Olivia. Even on our small conversations there was always a hidden agenda. The sense of de javu that she mentioned to me in more times before sparked interest and inquiry in my head; she insists that she’s had this feeling that she’s met me, even more so displaying a suspicious state of calmness and comfort whenever she was with me. That’s normally not the case, unless she already met me before in some way. It only added up to the questions I had in my head...

That was one of my takeaways that maybe, in some shape or form, in some rule that was crazy enough for the universe… Olivia Hye might be present in the person of Son Hyejoo. The fact that it was not only me that was able to feel that might already say something that’s going on between us. There was an unknown connection; a link that drew us together whenever we decided to go out for whatever reason we might deem. It used to be for the purpose of knowing the other better but then it slowly became the thing that we were looking forward to every week. One coffee date became two, and then three, and then we could not stop because the truth was we never really wanted it to stop.

The next thing that Hyejoo and I knew, we were already dating.

It was bizarre whenever I think about it considering it all happened so fast. However, it was the mutual feeling that was the catalyst for everything. I could not relay how much familiar she seemed to me even if I had just formally met her a couple of weeks earlier after the locker room incident. That goes with her as well. I don’t know. It was too mystical, even fictional to think about but that’s exactly how everything went. Talking to Hyejoo for the first time felt like opening a familiar book that I have read before but subtly forgotten which I would think was exactly the feeling you get when you meet a person again for a long time.

I am not even trying to associate her with Olivia at this point. Yes, they sure looked really identical, but now Hyejoo’s doing almost everything that Olivia used to do down to her smallest mannerisms. It was haunting to even watch her do it for the first time, especially when I was so familiar with it before.

Today was our second date after officially being a couple for a couple of weeks now. Things have certainly changed now that I’m trying to put the thought of Olivia behind me as much as I could, and to the best of my abilities treat Hyejoo as Son Hyejoo; as the person she really is and not anyone else. So far, it worked really well and I’ve began to handle our relationship with relative ease, of only not for the momentary glimpses of Olivia in her. It was difficult, weird even, but I am happy that I am together with her despite sensing some sort of Olivia’s presence.

“Hey, Sang-hoonie~” I heard her familiar voice call me as soon as I heard the shop’s door open and close. I turned my head towards the direction of the voice and found the beauty of my girlfriend taking her steps towards my chosen table.

And there she was, approaching me with a smile was the figure of Son Hyejoo dressed in a long, red coat that stretched over her thighs; a vested white shirt underneath and finished with a black pencil skirt as well as a pair of high boots. Hyejoo sported a white bag to come with her otherwise formal demeanour, and it only finished the look of her professional aura. She waved her newly manicured hands towards me as she finally approached.

God, even to this day I still can’t believe that this beautiful person is my girlfriend. How could the universe be so rewarding to me?

“I’m sorry I came here a bit late,” her voice sung in the air like a sleepy wolf howl, proceeding to take the seat situated opposite mine. “There’s a little errand I had to run for the university, but it was no big deal. Have you been in here for a while now?”

“I… I actually am but it’s not that much of a bother. I elected to go ahead anyway because I have nothing to do back home. Have you finished your errand?”

Hyejoo nodded.

“Luckily I managed to do so, and so we won’t have to worry about the other people bugging me about things when I’m supposed to be enjoying this day with you. It’s so hard to get days like these especially now that we’ve been busy, so every time that I get to have this for myself, I want to make the most out of it.”

“I guess so… university’s starting to show its fangs. In a couple of weeks, or even days into the semester, we’re going to get really pummelled with so much activity.”

“On that note, shall we get something to drink first? I’m a bit heated up with all the walking I’ve been doing. I want a nice cold fruit tea and something maybe crunchy to go with it.”

I nodded in response and immediately moved to order her a cup. Fortunately, there weren’t that much of people in the place with us that I managed to get the staff’s attention immediately. Upon approach, the young woman carefully fixed her visor and immediately prepped a small menu for me.

“I’d like to have one of your Blue Berry Cheesecake mixes; one of these Winter melon Fruit teas, and a pair of pita sandwiches, one with tuna and one purely with beef. Please make the one with beef toasted, thank you.”

The young lady nodded and bowed in response after receiving my order, of which I gladly paid electronically. She went ahead with a smile and assuring us both that our orders would arrive shortly. I found myself eyeing the small menu presented before me when I was distracted by the figure of Hyejoo ogling at me from the other side of the table.

“Hmmm…? Is there something on my face…? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Oh nothing,” she said as she blushed. “I just saw the reason why I fell in love with you so damn fast.”

“I… I just ordered food for us… what do you mean?”

“Yeah, but I never told you exactly what I wanted and yet you nailed it perfectly… this is the reason why I have always been telling you. Ever since we met not that long ago I felt so secured with you. I always felt so familiar with you no matter how much I think that I’ve never really met you before. The way that you finish my sentences, fill out my wants without knowing what it really is… it’s too accurate that it’s almost scary.”

“Hey it’s just… I always knew that you were not a fan of bubble teas, right? I figured winter melon is a pretty refreshing beverage, so that’s what I ordered, and the beef—“

“You always defend yourself that way, you know, and I think it’s really cute whenever you do that,” Hyejoo interrupted. “I took a strong interest in you because you were this quiet and very reserved guy; it appears as if you’re constantly thinking about something and yet you manage to surprise me with how much you know about me. If I didn’t know better, it’s like I met you from before but I just forgot.”

---

Choi Sang-hoon sat there sufficing a smile on his face despite trying to resist the urge to force Olivia into the equation again. Hyejoo had no idea that the real reason for his rather ‘reserved’ nature was because he was silently observing her from the very beginning, wondering why as soon as he got closer to her, Olivia never felt more alive than ever. He could definitely not deny that. It was already disastrous to think that she misinterpreted that as him being really reserved. Twisted, for sure, but the whole dating situation between them made things easier for him to understand her better; the only problem was Olivia seemed to show more of herself in Hyejoo than when he had no idea who she really was.

The fact that Hyejoo also felt a sense of familiarity to him was another nail in the coffin.

Everything seemed to line up for him; even if their visual similarities were placed out of the picture, Hyejoo’s favourites were so similar to Olivia’s, their gestures were strikingly similar, and above else their voice felt identical. The only real thing that was separating her from Olivia was the fact that she does not have her memories; otherwise it would be easy to think that she and Hyejoo is the same person.

Unless, of course… they’re really the same person after all

That was what Sang-hoon wanted to find out, which was why he never really protested on Hyejoo’s idea of dating him. He’d do anything to get close to her at that point.

“Sang-hoon … yah, Sang-hoon …!” Hyejoo’s voice came booming from the other side of the table just as she was waving her hands in front of him. “You’re spacing out again! I just asked you a question!”

“Oh m-me…? Sorry, I was just thinking about something… what were you asking?”

“It’s kinda rude to do that in front of a girl, especially someone who’s your girlfriend, you know…”

“I’m sorry… what was your question?”

“I’m asking if you’re feeling the same sense of familiarity with me… I mean, it’s hard to believe that I feel like I’ve known you for so long… I mean, you should feel the same way right, otherwise you would not know my favourites?”

He was not sure what he was supposed to answer to that. After all, it was Olivia who he knew and not the Hyejoo that he met; it was just a crazy coincidence that they seemed to have the same favourites.

“It… it was just… I just got lucky that it all lined up, you know. There is that sense of familiarity, Hyejoo… I guess that’s the reason why I got so easily into you because I feel like it was so easy to be with you around. Look at us, we haven’t been dating for that long but it feels like I’ve known you for a year.”

“See…? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Everyone else was freaking out when I told them that I was dating you, especially Gowon… everyone seemed to be so surprised.”

“I can’t blame them, I mean look: you just got transferred this semester onto Block Berry and you announced that you’re dating me… I’m not exactly the person who would appeal to a person on your level…”

“Yah, what do you mean? You’re the star of the plays! A lot of people like you, you just don’t know it! I always get envious looks from people whenever we walk together around campus, especially…”

Hyejoo paused and her face turned red.

“… It was more prominent from that girl that you rejected, Im Yeojin. Gosh, I immediately became a public enemy of her friends because of what happened. It turns out that she really liked you.”

“Can we…. can we not talk about her now, please?”

“I’m sorry, but I just had to bring her up. That was the first time that I ever noticed you, so it was inevitable for her to get caught on the conversation.”

“Excuse me,” a third voice said as the waiter finally appeared beside his left shoulder. “I am sorry to interrupt but I will serve your orders now. Please clear the table.”

At least the sudden appearance of the waitress there subjugated the impeding conversation for a little bit. It was getting too saturated for Sang-hoon’s liking, especially with the mention of Yeojin. He just could not look at her in the eye as she never really stopped attending his plays despite being rejected, and even after the announcement of him dating Hyejoo, Yeojin seemed to be unfazed by that fact. She was persistent even.

“That day was so crazy, you know,” Hyejoo began right after the waitress left them both. “It was my first-time seeing a girl confess to a guy... anyway, sorry, I promised that we won’t talk about her. My point is, that was also the day that… that you got called to the Student’s Affairs Office.

“That was the day when we first met each other formally.”

“I… I don’t understand where you’re going with this, Hyejoo.”

“I know that I’ve asked you this question before, but I never had a good answer from you because we were always interrupted in some form… what made you defend me against all those seniors? You barely knew me by then; we were just classmates… especially me who was just a transferee… Why did you do it?”

Sang-hoon froze knowing that the reason was always the same since the very beginning: he was defending the memory of Olivia being tarnished. His mind went black that moment, hearing the comments about the woman he loved and came crashing down on his own seniors. He was triggered beyond reasoning, defending a person he thought was the very one they were telling malicious comments on. It was her, but at the same time it was not. He did not know how he was supposed to explain that to her in the most sensible way that he could.

“I… I actively tried to avoid that topic until then, and I think you get a hint of that.”

“Are you still uncomfortable talking about it, Sang-hoon? I can understand that. Maybe I’ll ask again in another time…”

“No, Hyejoo… I think I can’t let that slide longer because at some point I’ll be too afraid to admit. I guess it is better that I’ll just do it now.”

Hyejoo notably shifted on her seat upon anticipation, and placed her eager, dark eyes on the figure of Sang-hoon.

“I… the reason why I lost control the way I did was… was because I’ve been having some sort of interest on you since the very beginning. Hearing those words escape from the mouths of the seniors, ruining the pristine-perfect view I had on you… that was it. The small self-control I had on that day, including the emotion that drew from Yeojin’s confession with you watching… it just burst out and I had to throw it on somewhere. I would go out and say that I was duly pissed and my emotions were at its peak, which lead to that confrontation at the lockers. I regretted it the moment that I approached them, now that I’m looking back. Maybe I was just lucky that I am superior, physically, otherwise I would have gotten myself beaten instead.”

“Y-you… you’ve had your interest on me? Since when…?”

“Ever since you became my classmate; I remember that day that I could not take my eyes off of you. Let’s just say that I was captivated by your presence. I was duly star struck.”

”Oh my,” Hyejoo remarked as she blushed. “I didn’t know that… I never got to know that from you, only now. You were already looking at me way before I even met you after that incident. That’s amazing. It must have been really crazy when I first got to talk to you, then, was it?”

“It was… especially when you asked to talk to me privately in front of Gowon and Hyojong. He never really shut up all day asking me what really happened because I was so flustered after you left.”

And that was the day I decided to ask her out… luckily all those dates paid off and now here we are.

“That’s… that’s amazing… I’m glad that I got to talk to you on that day; otherwise I would not have met the Sang-hoon that values me so much right now. It was a happy coincidence and I’m glad how it turned out.”

Sang-hoon’s ears went hot.

“Hey, but don’t get me wrong... I know that I have taken a liking to you since that day, but that does not attribute why I got most of your favourites right. It’s not like I’m following you 24/7, nor am I asking Gowon for things about that because frankly, we’re not that close. I’m sure you know that, but I would not mind though if we’re friends. We’re acquainted, but there’s nothing after that sadly. It’s just… all these things that I managed to get right whenever I’m with you… I’m honestly surprised that I’m getting them as well. I mean, it’s just a pure guess and… everything is just coincidence. It’s like I have this weird, natural intuition to understand you just beyond the surface level, and I guess that’s the reason why I can get things perfectly.”

Yep, that sums it up about right. I’m definitely not using Oli as a reference; holy shit.

Hyejoo nodded.

“Don’t worry… I told you before; there are even a lot of things that I never told Gowon but somehow you managed to figure out. You knew that my favourite colours are in the realm of black, grey and red. You ordered a winter melon tea just now, even if we’re inside a bubble tea shop, because you also figured that I dislike bubble teas among other things. I never told anyone that, Sang-hoon.”

“Like I said, it was just a coincidence… it’s not like I have a reason for knowing why you like or do these specific things…”

“You’re right… it’s impossible. I guess it’s really just fate that we’re bound together. We’re so compatible with each other, and it’s crazy. It’s just fate, maybe.”

Hyejoo watched him as he took a sip from his mix and proceeded to hold his hand with her own. The young man was duly surprised with the gesture; suddenly feeling the rather cold sensation of Hyejoo’s fingers on his hand. He turned his gaze from being lost outside the shop and then to Hyejoo herself.

There was a moment of stillness between them both as they both engrossed in the presence of the other and appreciating the time they have together. In perfect sync, they drank their beverages in a steady pace through the straws; each having their eyes planted on the other. After that moment’s silence, Hyejoo sighed before smiling, and moved to withdraw her hand from him.

“I’m more than happy that things turned out the way they did. I’m happy that I survived what happened to me before otherwise I would not have met a charming guy such as you. This seemingly second life felt rewarding more than ever. I’m glad that I lived to meet you.”

Sang-hoon felt his heart leap out of his chest.

‘Second life’…?

Did he just hear her wrong or…?

 “What do you mean that… t-that this is a-a second life? Did something… d-did something happen in the p-past that nearly…killed you?”

Hyejoo took a sip from his drink calmly and smiled.

“It was… it was not that long ago, really, but after everything that happened to me it honestly felt like a long time ago. I can’t be certain. I’m usually bad at remembering things, especially dates. However, there’s something that I could remember from the past. It’s a bit blurry, but I do remember some parts of it.”

Could it be…?

“Hyejoo… you haven’t told me this before, have you?”

“I guess I just didn’t have the chance to tell it to you before,” she admitted. “There was a situation where I was so close to dying. I only made out of that situation because I was saved by someone… someone that I cannot remember.”

---A FEW DAYS LATER---

No matter how much I try to draw myself away thinking that Olivia is Hyejoo, I somehow always came back. Ever since we became together I never felt so close to feeling Oli in her than when we had that date a couple of days ago. I was trying my best to keep Oli out of that one but it felt like it was herself who wedged herself in the conversation. It was frustrating to think that… that it feels like life is toying with me with everything that was going on around me.

Hyejoo had an accident not that long ago but she was saved?

She was close to dying but she was saved?

How on earth am I supposed to not associate her to Oli after that?

What if she IS Olivia, but just can’t remember me?

What if Olivia is actually Hyejoo and she made it out alive of that hospital?

“Yo, Sang-hoon,” my friend’s voice, Hyojong, spoke as his figure sat opposite me. That alone was more than enough to shake me out of my dreaming. “This is an urgent call. It’s not like you to go calling me out to drink. What’s up with you dragging me to an outdoor bar like this?”

The thoughts continued to plague me for a couple of days because I can’t stop thinking about the connection, to the point that I’m even beginning to dream about her. Having to see Oli in my dreams smiling silently while I can’t reach her felt like a nightmare, more than anything else, so I figured that I should get it out to someone. That was the reason that I asked Hyojong out to go drinking on a small bar not far from his neighbourhood; there’s no way in hell that I could tell all of this to him without having a bit of alcohol in our systems.

The aforementioned outdoor bar was different compared to the usual places that people our age usually go to as it was this small, street side store separated by a couple of tarps. The interior looked a little dishevelled, probably a testament to its time as an establishment. Regardless, it was pretty low-key to get into a conversation like this. The tables were too far apart and I made sure that I chose the corner-most table that we could stay hidden from everyone else; not that there’s much to hide from, anyway. Hyojong arrived late and immediately took a shot at the glass I prepared before him. I merely let it slide because the more alcohol-sodden he is, the more confident I am at telling what happened.

“Drink up, man. It’s on me.”

“Oh I will, for sure. I just don’t get why you’d call me out in the open like this. You even went your way and go to the bar near my house. What’s up with Choi Sang-hoon that he asked his doomed friend, Hyojong, to go drinking out hmmm?”

I sighed.

“There’s… there’s something I actually wanted to talk to you about. It’s not really something that you’d expect to come from me, so I figured getting loose with some alcohol ought to flex my tongue just a bit. I hope that you’d listen.”

Hyojong nodded in response and took another shot.

“Come on, Sang-hoon, stop going around the bush and tell it to me. Put it straight.”

Why do I have a feeling that he knows what I’m about to tell him?

“It’s… well, it’s actually about Hyejoo… I—“

I heard Hyojong clang the little glass harder on the table, emitting a loud shake much to my surprise.

“Finally, you decide to open up!” he told me, wide-eyed. “God, you don’t have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to open up about you and that Hyejoo girl! I knew that there was something that was off ever since you went on a rampage against our seniors. You and Hyejoo became… close, maybe too close. I guess you had it coming. You were really protecting her name from those idiotic perverts, but … how the fuck did you two suddenly date each other that quick?”

I was genuinely taken aback by his sudden taking over the conversation, but I guess it was bound to happen. After all, it was planned to make Hyojong talk and ask questions about her because I was not really comfortable opening it out of nowhere. At least in this regard, I can smoothly transition to what I really wanted to convey to him.

“It’s a long story,” I replied as I, too, refilled my glass and took a shot. “But you were right; it did begin ever since we talked… yeah, after I beat up Takagi and friends… it’s crazy.”

“That, by the way, would stay in the annals of all Block Berry history as one of the most amazing feats of strength and bravery ever displayed in this school. I bet counsellor Vivi is really thankful for you giving her a reason to punish those idiots. Thanks to you, as well, we won’t have to see those stupid faces for a bit.”

“Well, you’re welcome, man.”

“But, let’s get back to the topic before we get totally side-tracked,” he raised his glass and engaged a toast, of which I gladly responded to. “What has gotten into you and Hyejoo? A couple of months into your relationship and you’re already drinking this hard? Is this just a celebration and I don’t know about it just yet?”

Hyojong then moved to drink the liquid Soju slowly down his throat.

“I… I asked you out here man because I’m confused. I don’t think I dated Hyejoo for the right reason. I don’t think that it was even right that I dated her in the first place.”

BFFFT

Hyojong’s figure immediate turned from drinking the small glass to containing himself after spitting the liquid on the floor. It was fortunate that he was quick enough to chance his direction and spew it all over the floor; otherwise the alcohol that was on his mouth would have ended all over me instead.

Honestly, if that would have happened, I feel like I deserve it either way.

“WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” he said after cleaning his chin with tissue. “What do you mean ‘it was not right that I dated her’? How on earth would the two of you even reach this stage in your relationship if you’re not even sure that it was the right decision?”

“It’s… it’s not that easy to explain, man.”

“Oh it definitely is not that easy, I can guarantee you that. How the fuck did you came to that conclusion? You’re dating the transferee, Son Hyejoo, the girl that caused you to suddenly became Superman and hand Takagi’s butts to them; the girl that almost got you bruised up, so why? You’re telling me that it was all… nothing?”

“I don’t think that I can explain this thoroughly so I guess I’ll have to use some props. It is better that way, I think.”

Hyojong raised an eyebrow.

“Okay…? What props are we talking about?”

I immediately moved to fish my phone out of my pocket and scanned a couple of the photos I took from the diary. This predicament was a bit anticipated on my part, so I figured I could use some that would bring light to Hyojong’s confused demeanour. Granted, this entire situation is complex anyway, so there we go.

“Here,” I told him as I held my phone up for him to see, showing him a picture of a young school boy in scout uniform standing proudly with his badges on. “Can you guess who this boy is?”

“Ehh…? I’m not that drunk to the extent that I won’t see you. That’s for sure you, right Sang-hoonie?”

“Correct. That is indeed me.”

“So…? What does this have to do with you and Hyejoo?”

“Just wait. I have more here.”

I then proceeded to open another tab, from my screenshots, this time, and showed him a photo of a young girl.

“Is that… that looks a lot like Hyejoo,” he said after examining the photo clearly. “I’m pretty sure that that is her. The background says it all. Why do you have her picture as a child? What is going on here?”

“Ah-huh, so you have a clear understanding what she and I looked like when we were young, right?”

“I get it. No, I don’t, actually. What the fuck does this have to do with--?”

“Now, tell me who these people are.”

I flashed him a picture of Olivia and I that was taken minutes after the scout’s photo I showed him earlier. Hyojong took a keen eye on the photo I showed him and eventually his eyes widened with realization.

“Holy shit… that’s you and… that’s you and Hyejoo! Are you telling me that you two have met before?”

“I told you that it’s that complicated. You’ll flip when I tell you the truth between us.”

“Oh god Sang-hoon; don’t tell me that she’s secretly a long lost sister? There’s no way you’d take a pic with her other than that, right?”

What?

“No, what the fuck man… let me finish. You see, that is how it’s so complicated. I just showed you a picture of me and ‘Hyejoo’… and it’s natural for you to think that we met during our younger years because of that photo I just showed you, correct? You’re right, and it’s the first thing that would come to mind as soon as I show that to other people as well, but the thing is… the person I had a photo with is not my girlfriend, Son Hyejoo, but instead was a different person by the name of Olivia Hye.”

Hyojong knit his eyebrows in confusion.

I got the leverage. Here we go.

“During my youth, I grew up far from my parent’s home country. It was twelve years ago, we were living in the outskirts of Australia when I saved a girl from getting carried away by a river current, and that girl turned out to be Olivia Hye. She was the one that you saw in the photo I showed earlier, the one who was with me as a child. Olivia and I were close since we were kids, almost doing everything together as long as our young minds could do. To cut it short, we became the closest of friends. Since we’re on the same year, almost, we went to school together. I guess you’d say that because we got so used to being with each other, we didn’t realize that our friendship slowly blossomed into romance. We were just so young to realize it. We promised to get married one day, even…”

“Holy shit, Sang-hoon, I didn’t know that it was this complicated. So are you telling me that this Olivia girl you met from before looked exactly like Hyejoo? Is that the reason why you’re acting like that right now?”      

I didn’t even answer him as I scanned another photo of Olivia and showed it to him as well. This time, it was the last photo that was taken before the disease was even first diagnosed. It was, from what I could tell, the photo of her that showed huge similarities with Hyejoo’s current look. It was the last time I ever saw her healthy.

Hyojong’s face was clearly flushed out of colour as he emitted a soft shudder.

“Fuck, I just got goosebumps. Somehow this is really creepy. You’re telling me that the person in that photo is the Olivia girl and not Hyejoo?”

“Trust me; I had worse reactions when I first saw Hyejoo.”

“That makes sense… oh right, that’s the reason why you were so shocked when Hyejoo first came in to class. I didn’t know… they look so similar! Are you sure that they’re not twins or something? They’re so alike!”

I shook my head.

“They’re not. I’m certain of it. It was the only sensible reason why they’d look alike, but that’s not the case. I don’t know how it happened. It’s just that they’re… they’re so alike.”

“Holy shit, have you even showed this to Hyejoo? Where is this Olivia girl anyway? Have you considered even introducing Olivia to Hyejoo?”

My heart sank. I never got to tell this to someone.

The thought of the words even escaping my lips were already dreadful.

“That’s… that’s the thing. Olivia Hye was diagnosed with a mysterious disease before we even graduated high school. She died years ago even before I came to Korea to study.”

Hyojong’s face lost the remaining colour it had as he sank back to the chair as I did.

“Oh man… I’m sorry to hear about that. I didn’t know.”

“It is okay man… I honestly haven’t told this to anyone else because, well, I had no one else to tell it to. It feels really light to get it out after years of keeping it in.”

“Are you sure you’re cool with talking about this right now, Sang-hoon? You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to. We can end it here.”

I shook my head.

“No… I feel like at this point I had to tell it to someone else. The weight is beginning to take its toll on me and I think this was the only way out.”

“Alright then… when… when this Olivia girl died, were you there when she left this world?”

“I was present. I was with her. I was there on the hospital on the very day that she left. In fact, I failed to give her one final request because I was too slow. I was so clueless that evening, but we were left together on her hospital room talking about our graduation. That was when Olivia told me to get her tteukbokki. I went out that evening to fetch it for her, but when I came back she was just gone. The room was already flooded with doctors and her parents were already crying because of her demise. I could never look at tteukbokki again in the same way; never had one since.”

“God damn man… that must have been so hard to go through. I know that it must have been a long time since that happened but still… damn. It’s too much. I can’t imagine the pain it brought you.”

“Yeah…”

“But wait… now that I am aware of all this, Sang-hoon… my brain could only process so much even if I link everything together. So, if you’re telling me that you met a girl from your childhood and then she died before you even get married at this stage… then how did you end up dating Son Hyejoo then?”

“Do you see now why I feel like it’s wrong to date her? I’ve been debating with these thoughts for a while now, Hyojong. I’ve always had it on the back of my head. Ever since day 1 that I saw Hyejoo enter our classroom, I already knew that something was off. You always notice me uneasy whenever I’m around her, right? The reason behind that was I was trying my best to keep myself distanced from her because I just cannot stop seeing Olivia in her. I know that I might just be too crazy for what happened, but Hyejoo somehow has almost all of Olivia’s actions and even the smallest mannerisms. The way that she recoils after a bow, the way that her face rests when she’s thinking deeply… everything seemed to add up. I wanted to believe that they were different but then every time that I’m close to accepting it, I somehow end up closer to her.

“I went to Korea to accept that she’s finally gone and move on from with my new life, and the next thing I know was that I’m classmates with a girl that looked exactly like her. I try to stray away by not even talking to her, what do I get? I get pissed off with three seniors sexualizing her and end up talking to her after that. I try to stay away after that but it was Hyejoo that was coming closer to me. Can you see the reason why now, Hyojong?”

“Are you telling me that you think Hyejoo and Olivia is the same person?”

“It’s harder to find differences between them than to point out their similarities. Hyejoo herself said it, too; there’s something of a weird connection between us both. It’s like we’ve know each other, linked by a past that she can’t remember. Every detail feels so precise and I can feel it in my gut. I can feel the same person in her now that I’ve began to date her. I just can’t keep thinking about it, man…. What if Hyejoo is actually Olivia? What if, during those times after I thought she died, she actually lived and her memory became scuffed because of her disease?”

“Wait… that’s something that’s too serious of a deal to make something out of... How can you be sure that she remembers something from her past vaguely? Did she mention of a moment that you’re absolutely sure that only you and Olivia knew?”

I paused and thought for a bit… and then…

“Something happened fairly recently. We talked about something that… that I think perfectly links to the past.”

I made sure that I offered Hyojong a glassful of Soju, mutually clanged our glasses to it, and then proceeded to take a shot. I figured I needed that kind of leverage for something big that was about to come.

“Remember how I met Olivia for the first time… that time when I told you that I saved her life when she was stuck on the river when we were children? The thing is… Hyejoo mentioned to me that a certain accident, or in this case situation, happened to her years ago wherein she was almost killed. The only way that she survived that was because someone saved her but she just can’t remember. What if it we were actually talking about the same thing, Hyojong? What if the person who saved her from the accident was actually me when I pulled Olivia out from the river? Shouldn’t that be at least a small clue? I got goosebumps when I first heard it from her and I was immediately able to piece it together…. I mean, it all makes sense!”

“But I thought you said that dating Hyejoo was a mistake… why does it look like you’re justifying dating her because she’s like Olivia, man?”

“I… I honestly… I don’t know. At some point I felt like it was wrong to repeatedly force Oli into her because it was unfair… I never gave this a fair bit of thought until I mentioned everything to you. It added up as soon as I began to puzzle everything in. Think about it… maybe there’s a reason why I kept on meeting her, right? I have a lot of unfulfilled promises with Oli in the past, and if Hyejoo has even the slightest chance of being Olivia Hye, can you blame me if I could not stop thinking of that way?”

I sank in my chair just as Hyojong supplied me with a disappointed frown. He took another sip from the Soju and nodded silently.

“Okay then, Sang-hoon,” he said after minutes of silence between us both. “I get it. Let’s just say that that was the case. Let’s say that there is a slight chance that she somehow has all of Olivia’s traits, mannerisms… everything. Let’s just say that she is indeed Olivia just for the sake of this conversation. Sure. I just don’t get it man… you were there when she died, right? You mentioned to be in her deathbed when she flat lined and you were certain that she was indeed dead… how on earth could you even make the world any sense that Hyejoo is the Olivia girl just because of that, when you were so sure that she died in front of you?”

And that was the question. Hyojong had every right to ask me that because it was indeed a valid query. I, however, never even gave an answer to that before. The thought of it began snaking inside of me like an angry bison, yearning to deliver the truth within my own words.

My heart skipped a bit as I was ill-silent, still lost for words as I attempted to cover the bitter truth.

“Go ahead and tell me and please be honest with yourself. What made you think that Olivia survived that disease?”

“I… I… I figured she might have because… since she died, I was so depressed and I locked myself in my room, cut all ties with anything that would remind me of her…”

“And…?”

“I never saw Olivia get buried. I never attended her funeral after what happened in the hospital.”

---

If Hyojong had not started to freak out just yet, he most certainly was after what he just heard. The first few words that escaped from Sang-hoon’s lips were already too much to take in, but hearing that he didn’t even get to attend his first love’s supposed funeral was something else in his book. Hyojong’s expression went from mindlessly leering on his confession to full in shock; still in the final remnants of disbelief that his hearing was not clearly deceiving him.

“WHAT THE FUCK SANG-HOON? SHE WAS YOUR FIRST LOVE AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN GO TO HER FUCKING FUNERAL?” he expressed with a rather increased tone, which was more emphasized on surprise and not on anger.

Sang-hoon, on the other hand, felt a cold shiver run from head to toe. Somehow hearing the truth escape from someone else’s lips was far more terrifying than merely thinking about it alone.

“I… I-I c-can’t bring myself to go there! D-do you h-have any i-idea how hard it is to s-see that? I-I cannot accept that s-she’s dead!”

“Oh my god…” Hyojong expressed, shifting his position on the chair and aggressively combing his hair with his hands. He was clearly blushing off already from the alcohol however this time; it appeared to Sang-hoon that the extra colour was brought in by the excess emotion he felt. “Are you fucking serious right now? That’s it! That’s the exact reason why you’re in that very situation now! You caused that thing to come to yourself!”

“W-what… what do you mean…?”

“Can’t you see it?! You’re still being haunted by your memories of Olivia because you never gave yourself a closure! I do not mean to invalidate what you felt before, and if I was on your situation I might have done the same damn thing, but don’t you realize that the reason why you’re manifesting Olivia in Hyejoo was because you never believed that she ever died? You kept on seeing this Olivia girl in almost every aspect of Hyejoo because it was what you wanted to believe in!”

“What are you trying to say…?”

“Sang-hoon, you’re forcing Olivia into Hyejoo so much! I get that you had a lot of memories with this Olivia girl, and no one can take that from you… but you need to get out of your shell and face reality; Olivia’s dead, and the reason you kept on believing that she isn’t is because you never gave yourself the chance to get a closure with her. You need to move on at some point. Sang-hoon … she’s dead.”

He clenched his fist as the words pummelled heavier against his heart. He was not angry at Hyojong by any means, but rather he was furious about the fact that everything he’s saying has an ounce of sense and he can’t think of reasons to retort back to what he believed in.

“B-but Hyojong… all those signs… those weaving memories… those interlocking clues, the mannerisms… everything seemed to add up. I know, maybe it’s my fault that I didn’t get whatever closure I needed, but what if I really didn’t have to do that. Hyojong, come on; there’s a huge chance that what I’m saying is true! There’s no way that I can feel this gut feeling whenever I’m around her, right? I could not just ignore that, right; what if Olivia and Hyejoo is actually the same person and I’m just too naïve to think that they’re actually not?”

Hyojong sank and leaned on his chair. He took one good sip from the small glass of Soju and shook his head once again.

“What if she isn’t?” he snapped back.

“What…?”

“Sang-hoon, what if she isn’t Olivia? What if they just look really similar and they’re not really the same person? Have you ever thought about that?”

“I—“

“Have you ever thought the other side of the equation you’re chasing? What if the Olivia you met really died years ago and Hyejoo has no real relation to her? What if you’re trying to make yourself believe that they’re one and the same when there’s a good chance that they’re not? Have you ever thought of what Hyejoo would feel once she finds out of your reason; that you just agreed to date her because you’re seeing a different person instead of who she really is?”

He was already furious, frustrated even, that he could not bring himself to give a good and sensible answer to Hyojong. His fingers dug dangerously and painfully deep against his skin as he continued to clench his fist, trying his best to clear his mind off of thoughts that might plague him for the coming moments.

Hyojong was right, and he had every reason to question him like that. Perhaps he was the one thing he needed, even though he really did not intend the young man to go and scold him out in the open like that. The words were painful, but they did their job of waking Sang-hoon up from a long trance he could otherwise not get himself out of.

“I’m sorry. I got a bit too heated up,” Hyojong said as he breathed heavily while at the same time scratching the back of his head. “I just wanted to express what I felt. I’ve seen how you stalked Hyejoo before… I never realized that it was this deep. Had I known, I should not have teased you before knowing that there was a huge, personal reason. Seeing her like that must felt like a ghost. I can’t really blame you for feeling that.”

“It’s okay… I understand that you’re really into this. It’s the welfare of another person we’re talking about, after all. If it was not for you, I would never have realized these things on my own. My pride just won’t let me do so. It was really frustrating to hear those from you because deep down, I know that you’re right. Maybe I am forcing too much of Oli into Hyejoo.”

“You know what I think is the best for you to do? I think you should give yourselves some space for a short time. I know you just became a couple, but for the sake of this relationship going on for long, you should find your peace first, man.”

“Are you telling me I should break up with her? Do you have any idea how crazy that might be?”

“I’m not saying that, although maybe you should do it in the long run when things become worse. For the meantime, just give yourself some time to think. Hyejoo would not mind if you take a week off right? Tell her it’s a personal family trip, maybe… but in that week you can go somewhere and get your thoughts together about Olivia. I’m pretty sure after all these years of keeping it within yourself; you ought to get your heart the peace it deserves. You can’t continue on with that unless you want your relationship to end, that is as if it’s not doomed from the beginning already.”

“What else should I do to do that? It’s not like I can just go to her funeral if I wanted to…”

Hyojong picked filled half of his glass with Soju and poured Sang-hoon the same amount. He then proceeded to drink a portion of it not even letting Sang-hoon give him cheers.

“The only person who can think of that is you, Sang-hoon. Only you can give yourself the peace you rightfully deserve. I’m sure there’s a place in your head. There’s a place where you can find the real peace you’ve been craving for. If you don’t want to do this for yourself or for Hyejoo, then at least do it for the memory of Olivia. Do it so that she can finally rest in peace knowing you’ve moved on from her.”

Sang-hoon could only nod in silence, agreeing to Hyojong’s statement of the truth. He was already choking on tears. For that moment, the high emotions that Hyojong set for their conversation finally subsided. Somehow, that short outburst of emotion from his head cleared him of his drunkenness as he seemed to have instantly sobered up. Sang-hoon, too, felt that. His pride being trampled upon by the truth was more than enough to wash the alcohol away without even having to pee.

Wherever this place was that Hyojong was talking about, he knew he could crack it at some point later. One thing was for sure: if he really wanted to settle things between him and Hyejoo, he should do this as soon as he could possibly do so. And so, as he shared the final stretches of his drinking session with Hyojong, he promised himself that in the next couple of days, he would find his heart for what it was really seeking…

… And maybe give Olivia’s soul the well-deserved rest it longed.

Of course, there was only one place he could go to…

---FOUR DAYS LATER---

Let’s just say that I am fortunate enough to swing from country-to-country in a matter of days. It was such a short notice that I barely even managed to pull it off. One could say that maybe it was purely out of impulse, surely after that conversation with Hyojong loosened up a lot of things in my head, and I failed to even weigh the eventual consequences of my actions and now I’m here. I’m back where Olivia and I grew up; maybe quite longer than I ever intended to. I knew I should have come back here as soon as I could have. There was no better time I could have done this than now.

I intentionally left this bit out of the picture. It would appear to everyone back in South Korea that I just dipped out of nowhere, especially from Hyejoo. I could just not bring myself to properly talk to her after that conversation. Of course, there was still that part of me that felt ‘undeserving’ of her, and so before I could even be swayed into another direction just by her presence, I went off and headed to Australia. I could only hope that Hyojong, given the testaments I left during our talk, would piece things up and eventually explain things to Hyejoo and Gowon.

It would appear that I just got snapped out of existence, but in my opinion it was better this way.

Arriving here felt a weird mix of familiar and foreign. The unwanted combination of the time I’ve been gone here and the eventual changes that came to be, things seemed to be strange to me. It would stand to reason that I would be merely heading here not knowing of what to do, but luckily the contact I messaged offered a good guide and managed to make my way from the airport, and into the town where Oli and I once lived.

Today I stood atop of a once-grassy hill; the surrounding vegetation clearly subdued off of its greenery with the years that had passed. The place was still the same, for the most part: a small resting place was wrought under a very familiar tree. It sure had aged with all the years that passed under its branches, but still the comfort of having the view of the afternoon sun grazing the soft horizon provided a view that was breath-taking. The peace was there, yet now that I came back; it only became more serene than ever. It made sense as to why she would choose this as her final resting place.

After all these years, the tree that Oli and I made our marriage promise before, served as her grave. There was no tombstone to even see, just the simple place of the hill overlooking the town. Olivia wanted to watch the sunset forever, and this would be the first time she’d ever see it with me.

“I know that it was odd,” Mr Hye’s voice came from behind me as I watched the tree dance on the afternoon wind. “Normally people would choose a cemetery or maybe cremation… our Olivia was different. She never ruled out the idea that she may not survive her disease. In the event that that would happen, she made sure to tell us to have her buried on this very tree. It must have meant something to her.”

“It sure does, Mr Hye. I can’t even tell you how significant this place is for her… for us. I can see now why she chose this.”

“I insisted on a different place, but her mother wanted to follow Olivia’s final request down to the last detail. There was no tombstone, no marking, no anything. It would even be hard to believe that someone is actually buried here.”

My heart could have just exploded at that very moment with all the emotion that I was feeling. Blood was rushing from all over my body; to the point that I could even feel it flowing on my very toes. I was so hooked into the emotion that I didn’t even notice a soft tear trail down from the corner of my right eye down to my cheek. Having to come back here felt like I was being washed from head to foot by Olivia’s presence; surely, she was right here with both me and Mr Hye.

I proceeded to walk towards the tree bark as if I was on a trance, and carefully ran my fingers on the trunk located close at its roots. The tree swayed as its leaves rustled in welcome, as if greeting me finally after a good while. Slowly, my fingers ran through the soft ridges and etch of the rough bark, eventually finding my way on a wanted writing.

It has carefully faded after all these years, but I could still feel it in my fingertips. It was the carving that Olivia did when we were little; the very traces of text that once had her warm hands graze on the surface of the trunk bearing the words: Olivia & Sang-hoon.

“There’s no tombstone, Mr Hye… but I could tell that this is where she’s buried. I can tell so much.”

I hear Mr Hye sob from behind me, making me turn my attention towards him. Years have passed and yet he still had the same look to him, albeit his face clearly showed the evidence of the passage of time.

“I’ve never been so glad to see you finally come here, Sang-hoon. I always knew that you’d come back, eventually… now I can be happy knowing our Olivia’s peaceful now. I’m really happy that you’re already here…”

“I’m… I’m sorry that it took me so long, sir. I have a lot of things to be sorry for; the funeral, her burial ceremony… I missed all of that because I was so heartbroken. I should have considered how she would feel before I revelled in my emotions too much… I have so much to regret…”

Mr Hye shook his head.

“It’s all okay now, son… I’m sure Olivia knew what you were feeling and she would have understood. If anything, you knew my daughter more than I ever did, so I am not really in 100% of a position to talk in her place. I’m sure she’s happy. I know it.”

“Mr Hye…”

“Our Olivia… she was never always an extravagant person and you know that. She’s happy seeing her friends and, for your case, the only person she truly loved on her sixteen years of existence. On her last moments, she made me promise to help all those who were suffering from what she went through. My wife and I… we elected to start a charity in her honour. The smallest thing we could do for her is to offer assistance to those who needed it, and hopefully increase the chance of survival of people suffering from her disease. We’re still small, but at least there’s something that my wife and I could look forward to in her name.”

“Oli… Olivia wanted you to help…?”

Mr Hye nodded.

“It’s amazing how she can still touch other people’s souls even after she’s dead, right? My daughter is a very mystical one… I can tell that for sure. Somehow seeing you here with her felt like the final pieces of the puzzle, Sang-hoon. Thank you so much for visiting our Olivia. I can’t thank you enough for it.”

She sure does, Mr Hye…

Her power and influence even beyond death is crazy.

“Well… I think I ought to leave the two of you here,” he continued. “It’s been a long time coming, Sang-hoon, and you two have a lot to catch up on. Stay with her for as long as you like. Stop by the house, okay? My wife had prepared a couple of snacks and maybe we can talk on a couple of things as well.”

He bowed in courtesy and I could only smile in return. That was it. That was my chance.

I had to ask him the one thing that was bugging me ever since I met Hyejoo.

“Mr Hye… sorry, but before you could go, there’s one thing I just wanted to ask you. It’s a question about Olivia.”

“Hmmm…? What is it, Sang-hoon? Go on and ask ahead.”

This would feel weird.

“Did Olivia have a… a twin sister or perhaps a relative that looked so similar to her?”

Mr Hye knit his eyebrows and then smiled.

“I don’t think there’s anyone in this world looking exactly like my daughter, Sang-hoon. Even on our family, she had the most unique face. No, she did not have a twin sister. Why did you ask, son?”

“I… I just thought I saw someone who looked exactly like her. Maybe I just miss her a lot.”

“I miss her too, Sang-hoon … I’m pretty sure that if ever there was a person who looked exactly like my Olivia… then maybe that’s where we’d be. Regardless, my daughter is at peace now, and like I said I better leave you two because you have a lot to catch up on. Don’t forget to head to the house, okay? Please take all the time that you need, son. You’ve grown so much… you’ve grown to one fine lad. I could only hope that she’s here with us.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”

With a final nod, Olivia’s father finally turned in place and descended the grassy hill. I do not know what has gotten into me but I somehow could not remove my gaze from him as my gaze transferred into the distance.

We were here.

Olivia and I were once together in this hill overlooking the beautiful landscape. The sunset was as pristine as I could remember.

Oh god… how young and unaware we were…

At some point we spent our day here not knowing that it would be the last.

I would have wanted us to be reunited in this place under different circumstances, but in the end I am glad that I came here for this reason. Things could have been worse and I could only take what I could with me.

I thought I would spend the next couple of minutes with my eyes and thoughts lost on the horizon, but then I found myself sitting on the grassy surface with my back leaned against the tree. There was an odd sensation… somehow I promised to Olivia’s father that I would be here with her, maybe even talking to her presence if ever she was there. Initially, when I was at the plane on the way here, that was how I imagined my first venture here would be. Then, maybe there was a part of surprise that Olivia was actually buried on the ‘Promise Tree’ and things certainly changed…

Somehow sitting here, I can feel here presence. It was not that whole ‘supernatural’ thing that people claim to feel. No, I do not feel her ghostly presence with me but rather… I could feel her entire ‘being’, or more so her very essence. It was akin to that feeling of finally going home after a long while. There was nothing peculiar; not even a sliver or an apparition of her but I can definitely tell that some part of her was there. The tree itself seemed to have given me that. I noticed it swayed its branches gleefully into the wind.

It was difficult enough to not fall asleep especially on a place like this, just like how we both did when we were young. The peace was exciting; the atmosphere it provides soothed my soul up to its very minute. I thought I was going to be sad; that I was going to cry in regret for not coming here after everything that we’ve been through…

But no… it was fundamentally different.

I could only close my eyes and let the wind breeze on my skin. The soft rustle of the leaves above, the chirping of the birds on the distance, even the gently rush of the river nearby where I first met Olivia…

It sure felt home, but an overdue type of deal.

It’s like that good feeling you get when you visit home, but deep down you know that the reality is you’re going to leave at some point. However, you’re still thankful that the soft reset of the mind was there. It felt exactly just like that.

Minutes passed and I am starting to get carried away with the environment. It was so peaceful; so nostalgic and borderline addicting. It certainly was worlds different from my life at Seoul...

I wish I could stay here in this moment forever…

I don’t want to chase you anymore, Olivia.

Please, just take me with you.

And then, that was it.

I felt a sudden familiar scent pass me by, beckoning me to open my eyes in an instant. It was a shock; only for a split second did I managed to get a whiff at it, but there was no mistaking. The scent was too familiar to me to not even recognize on the first time; add the fact that I should not even smell it on a place like this…

She’s here. Olivia just passed by me.

I was certain. That scent was her favourite shampoo. I could not be wrong about it.

That instantly felt as if it sobered me up out of being drunk; shaking me off of my personal trance. It was a crazy-scary sensation that instantly made the hairs on the back of my neck stand, only to be followed after by a sudden warm sensation.

Then, what immediately followed after that was calmness. Strange enough, as much as I should already be freaking out at this point in time, I just did not. Surely having to smell that scent that my senses haven’t experience for the longest time is supposed to blow my head out of the water, but there was that assurance right after. I don’t know. I was so shocked that I felt that for a moment but then my heart was beating normally. It could have been my imagination, but I could have sworn that it was real.

Somehow, as I was looking around for some possible sorts of sources for that scent, an excerpt of Olivia’s final entry on her diary echoed in my head:

You have to live well and healthy unlike me, so don’t remember me for too long. Please be happy for me. Live, Sang-hoon. Live because I love you more than anything else in this life.

That line seemingly made sense to me now. A simple warm feeling after her scent faded away. It was as if to say that I came here to get the meaning of her letter’s final message. I needed to give myself the peace from Olivia that it ever so longingly wanted.

I have to live without her.

I have to move on.

Hyejoo was, perhaps, another part of Olivia’s power to remind me that she’ll be there in the very end.

We’re there already; I managed to go dating someone who looked exactly like her. Maybe she was the one who guided me to find her. I get it now.

In the end, she was still looking after me.

She saved me.

Olivia wanted me to still have her in some form. Perhaps Hyejoo was the beginning of that.

I could only thank Hyojong for pointing things out to me, now I can finally go back to South Korea in peace.

I can go back and accept finally that Olivia is dead and that Hyejoo is a different person that she sent for me.

---SOMETIME LATER---

“Hey… umm… Hyejoo, it’s me, Sang-hoon. I know that I’ve been gone without any real notice to you and I was banking on the fact that maybe you would have asked Hyojong of my whereabouts. I went abroad and cleared things off of my head for a moment. I’m in Korea now. I’m sorry for a lot of things, especially leaving without even a notice. My line is open in case you wanted to give me a call. I can’t really bring myself to call you. I’m sorry and I love you.”

Sang-hoon had rehearsed that line a couple of times while he was still on the plane back to South Korea and managed to find the final iteration to send to Hyejoo through voice mail. Even on the airport, that sliver of anxiety still haunted him as he found his way towards his apartment. The cab ride was even left on the background as he repeatedly checked his line in case Hyejoo finally replied. There was no response, even in the repeated attempts he made it was merely just a single, dead tab.

He arrived at his apartment at a weird afternoon. Jetlag surely took its toll on him as he felt extremely frail after quick flights here and there, and ultimately Sang-hoon decided to ditch the classes on the following morning. He was already absent for almost a week anyway, and in his head he might as well complete it for the time-being. After all, with that huge closure he got from travelling to his home town, he figured he needed some sort of reward for himself. It would feel odd to have it like that, but he could only take so much of what was given to him. Even one day off of his classes ought to help him out like so especially when the rain was so hard up outside.

With that, all he had was the apartment for himself. It was not, by any means a huge apartment; as such a small pod for a student such as himself ought to be better than having too much space he would not even use otherwise.

He was perhaps fortunate to have arrived before evening even came for quick and sharp thunderstorms began to plague the city as the night finally unfolded. The rain would simply not let up as it was torrential; even heard inside the otherwise silent room. Sang-hoon could only settle back, let his mind loose for a couple of moments by getting lost on some early evening TV shows with the thoughts of the post-dinner sleep ought to get him back on track. One long and drawn out sleep was the final piece of the puzzle and he’d be sure that his head would be okay again come tomorrow.

Hopefully the weather would be up by then as well.

DING

Then there was that. It was clearly a ring from the installed doorbell of his apartment yet even Sang-hoon second-guessed himself. Clearly, with the torrent of rain outside, he could not think of a person who would even knock at his door at that time of the night; especially not with the impeding thunderstorms reaping the skies open with the repeated flashing. On top of that, he could not event think of a person who would even knock on this time of the night. Even with that though, he immediately turned down the TV and moved to answer the door. He swung it open and met the eyes of the door’s ringer with quite a shock.

Dressed in a long, brown raincoat that stretched and covered down to the knees, high boots, a red beanie and a black umbrella that was dripping on her side, she stood there with a hopeful expression on her face; her eyes gleaming with joy as she finally saw the person she wanted to see.

Son Hyejoo stood on his doorstep; her raincoat wet from the rain outside.

“H-Hyejoo…!” He squeaked as lightning flashed outside once more. “Come in, it’s raining so hard outside! You’re soaked!”

“I’m sorry for barging in. I hope I didn’t interfere with you in any way.”

“Quick, remove your coat so I can let it dry in the bathroom. I can get you some extra clothes you can change into so that you can warm yourself up.”

Hyejoo did as he suggested and handed him her dripping rain coat, revealing a button plaid shirt she wore underneath as well as a black skirt. Fortunately, since the rain coat was able to tank through the heavy rain, everything else was left dry aside the hem of her short skirt, eventually removing the socks and the boots that were soaked as well. He moved and locked the door and that one action shut the roaring rain from the outside.

“Do you want to change, Hyejoo-ah?” Sang-hoon offered as he called back, walking towards the bathroom to hang the dripping raincoat. “I have a couple of clothes that I think would fit onto you. They’re large, but I’m sure that they’ll fit.”

“I’m… I’m okay. I’m pretty much dry. I g-guess just a blanket would do… can I sit on your couch?”

“Are you sure about that?” Sang-hoon said, returning from the bathroom. He then moved towards Hyejoo and held her hands, feeling the coldness from the rain. “You’re cold. I think you need to change.”

Hyejoo shook her head.

“No, Sang-hoon … I’m fine. Just… just stay with me. I-I came here because I missed you. I was so worried when you disappeared. Even Hyojong had no idea where you went to… I thought you went on off ahead and left… please don’t d-do that again. I-I was so a-afraid that—“

“Shh, I won’t go. I’m sorry, my Hyejoo. I’m here. I’m here for you.”

Any attempt of reply from Hyejoo’s part was immediately thrown out of the window as he moved to embrace the young woman. For the first time since they had started to date each other, Sang-hoon felt his own hug to be genuine. It was as if it was the first time that he was hugging Hyejoo on full 100%; any thought of Olivia’s presence on that moment was even surprisingly forgotten. That moment, for sure, he was hugging Son Hyejoo with all of his heart.

It might also be the first time that he recognized her to be his girlfriend, as Son Hyejoo, officially.

The thought of having someone actually be afraid of losing him hurled Sang-hoon’s emotion to the skies as he felt his entire body succumb to Hyejoo’s immortal gaze. His pulse rose as his ears went hot, in turn making him hug his girlfriend harder and tighter than before. After that, the couple each took a step back, broke off of the embrace, and found their way at the couch yet still kept each other’s hands intact.

Sang-hoon then proceeded to hold Hyejoo’s soft cheek with his hand and smiled in the silence.

“I’m not going anywhere anymore. I’ve never felt so at home more than I ever could have.”

“Where have you been anyway? Why did you disappear all of a sudden?”

He shook his head.

“It’s no longer important. I… I just tried to clear my mind off of things. I think university has taken too much of a work to me that I just… I needed some room to breathe and re-evaluate myself and I wanted to come back when I was sure of what I wanted, and now I’m more than certain. I’m so sorry for leaving without letting you know.”

“I missed you so much! Don’t do that ever again you pabo!”

“I love you, Hyejoo.”

Son Hyejoo froze as she sat opposite Sang-hoon. She planted her gaze on his longing eyes; the very irises that seemingly were always filled with sadness seemed to be different at that evening. His eyes were reassuring, more than anything, and felt really happy that she was there. Hyejoo could only appreciate so much of what was going on around her, even with the occasional flashes of lightning and the boom of thunder from outside, she was just happy that she’s alone with him.

It was perhaps too much longing from Hyejoo’s side that she immediately lunged to plant her soft lips on his, much to the young man’s surprise.

Deep down, however, Sang-hoon could not deny that he too felt the same longing for her. On the first phases of their relationship together, he was very much conflicted distinguishing Olivia from Hyejoo and that he was always chased by the ghost if his past. He cannot give his all and acknowledge them both as dating on the full confidence that he was not dating a sliver of Olivia. However, on that night things have changed. He knew that there was no other reason for him to see Olivia in Hyejoo once again, and so with that kiss he quickly returned it to her; caressing Hyejoo’s soft cheeks as they kept their lips hooked on one another.

It was like glue, more than anything else. Hyejoo’s kisses were far from dry as they were filled with longing for his presence. The young man, on the other end of the spectrum, felt more of guilt, yet the thought of impending pleasure felt more than enough to have him clamped tightly on Hyejoo’s embrace. It resulted in most of his kissed being completely dry, merely letting Hyejoo carry on with the heated session.

Then, there was a pause. It was not brought by either of them realizing how far they’ve come as neither really wanted to stop, but rather it was the apartment itself. The anger of the rain and the thunder from the outside blew an electrical component somewhere in the city and inevitably resulted in a widespread power outage. The torrent of the rain from the outside could never have been more audible as well as each of the couple disappearing with the darkness save for a couple of flashes here and there. It was natural to come, yet for Sang-hoon and Hyejoo it was a warning.

The brief delay was like an eye-opener as they both sat inches from each other, trying to make up the details of the other’s face amidst the faint light. It was like jolts of electricity possibly even rivalling the ones coming high from the skies above but came was a mundane phenomenon; a short glimpse of certainty whether to proceed or back out.

“Is there something wrong?” He asked as he toned himself out a bit, and proceeded to ask in order to be safe.

Hyejoo merely shook her head as lightning flashed through the deep, curtained windows once again. She held on to Sang-hoon with her hands, surprisingly warm after that encounter, and moved to pull him with her as she stood up. Whatever she was planning ahead, it was already certain for Sang-hoon. The choice has been made when she decided to pull him rather than to apologize, and just like that the rest of the apartment disappeared like the rain while they both made their way to his bedroom. All thoughts of any other person aside from her were ignored and there was no one there but Choi Sang-hoon and Son Hyejoo.

The sound of squeaking steel followed by the soft click of the door’s locks was the signal that isolated him and Hyejoo from the rest of the chaotic world. The room was dark even without the outage thanks to the thick curtains pulled over the blinds of the small bedroom. It was a simple bed, table and cabinet arrangement that Hyejoo expected from a person living alone, even more so for such a bizarrely unique individual such as Choi Sang-hoon. She turned her attention to the guy after she locked the door, and there she approached his looming figure, perhaps even more intimidating because of the dark.

Hyejoo leaned closer as soon as she killed the distance between them both and he was quick to meet her lips with his own. It was quick; a smack as others would say, but to Hyejoo it was powerful enough to send her message across as if it was not blatantly clear already.

Another kiss progressed, harder this time, which caused his knees to weaken and seat on the bed. Hyejoo was quick to follow on the gesture as she immediately rested her weight by sitting on Sang-hoon’s lap, having the rest of the guy’s legs in between hers. Whatever urges caused her to go that far, it may as well have depleted as she felt herself awkward, and possibly realizing what she’s implying with her across since she even arrived there.

However, his natural instincts told him to put his hands on her hips in attempt to keep things grounded, and it was exactly what he did. That gesture caused Hyejoo to raise his head up and meet his gaze, flashed once again from the lightning through the curtains. There was a soft, drawn out kiss that followed, and similar to Hyejoo, Sang-hoon was clear to send his message to her as well: It would be alright. Hyejoo parted the kiss and slowly unbuttoned her plaid shirt while making sure to not remove eye contact from him all throughout. Soon, the black tank she wore underneath joined the discarded clothing on the floor below, basking in the evening light as Hyejoo sat atop Sang-hoon with only her black bra.

The room was barely even lit, yet the young man could trace through the dark silhouette and make up her body. Hyejoo always had that deceptive body; a rather sizeable bust concealed within the sin of the university uniform. The rest of her body; her thighs, her hips, her waist, everything seemed to have sprung out to match her shoulders and her chest. Now, he started to curse the outage for hiding such a beholding sight now limited thanks to the darkness. Nevertheless, it was an unbelievable yet captivating physique to him.

Sang-hoon let his lips explore the unseen wonder for him; planting soft, supple kisses that travelled downward starting from her neck; making sure that the kisses became wetter and deeper as he aimed for her cleavage. He found his target and gave Hyejoo’s profound collarbone a nimble bite before proceeding to kiss it as well, earning a hesitant moan from his girlfriend. Hearing the sound escape from her, he pulled her closer and deepened the kiss; Hyejoo’s breathing hitched almost immediately.

Son Hyejoo could only plant her eyes on what she could see while Sang-hoon made his way towards her cleavage. The bonds that linked them together strengthened for sure and the fire of the moment could only be blamed for it. He pulled her closer and pushed his lips deeper onto her chest, slowly creeping closer to her bountiful tits only to hesitate at the final moment. He withdrew and seemingly caught up with himself; pausing for a bit as he took in the moment. It was too fast, even for him. Hyejoo was aware of this and seemed to have caught on as well as she moved to take the hand on her hip and, with a cold grasp, planted it at the middle of her mounds. He let his mind in looser and took it as an invitation and eventually caressed Hyejoo’s soft tits while thanking her with a passionate kiss as light flashed once more from the outside. A little hand lock was, perhaps, the icing on top of the cake.

The ecstasy could only be so tolerable with how they were situated and later he finally gave in and let his back loose as they both crashed on top of the bed, lips still lost with each other and one hand exploring the presented body. Hyejoo was persistent as well, thinking that maybe she should match the pressure being brought to her. Albeit with a hint of caution, she moved caress the soft hulk of his arms, feeling his toned arms that matched his otherwise taller physique. He returned the favour as well by caressing her sizeable mounds while keeping him at bay to not simply unhook her tits right away. The small fabric that concealed her for him; the thought of having something to look forward was an idea he dearly loved.

Hyejoo, however, wanted things to be a bit different. The silence was finally broken, aside from the strong rains from outdoors, by Hyejoo finally speaking her mind for the first time since they left the couch.

“I want to be on the bed. Please.”

The request felt more like a plea with how soft she delivered it. Nonetheless, Sang-hoon was quick to budge as he quickly switched places with Hyejoo before laying her down. Despite the darkness, her harrowing presence glowed amidst the quite room, shimmering in the flashing of the lights brought by the weather.

He was quick to pursue the already established passion between them both, resuming his soft kisses on the girl’s lips with his hands having a mission of their own. Slowly, he channelled his supple lips all across her waiting body like a torturous tease; making sure that every moment was felt in the deepest way possible.

His hand continued to massage Hyejoo’s tits, trying his best to work around the bra and feel what he was intending to feel. With his hand occupied, his lips eventually trailed further down Hyejoo’s body, worshipping the immaculate sculpt of her voluptuous midriff as he added subtle licks to his kissing. He could only see so much but it indeed added to his increasing lust as he relied more on his senses to explore things that were previously unseen.

Sang-hoon slid his hands towards Hyejoo’s back, caressing the soft skin along the way. The message was clear, and luckily she was able to catch up on him. However, there was a moment’s hesitation as she held Sang-hoon’s hand before he could move to unhook her bra.

“I… I… j-just remove the hook…” she whispered, lightning illuminating her faint face.

He nodded and moved accordingly, with Hyejoo assisting the act by lifting her back up for him. With a flick of his fingers, he did the deed but proceeded no further upon her request; electing instead to carefully slide his hand away from her back but giving a good trace on her spine. He hung for a good moment, staring at the figure below him as he waited for her move. Hyejoo repeatedly rubbed her arms together as she brought her forearms up to her chest, eventually grasping the straps with her hands and slowly throwing them into the void of the bedroom.

Another inaudible curse shot its way inside his mind. It was not because he could barely see what was going on, but because he could perfectly make out the details of Hyejoo’s exposed tits even with the minimal lighting, even echoing a soft bounce as they finally hung free. It was perhaps a reflex from his end that he immediately grabbed the pair and kneaded Hyejoo’s exposed nipples with his thumbs. Surely, the overload of sensations could easily end him and yet the dark was serving like an informal blindfold, beckoning him to want more.

Sang-hoon immediately moved and flicked his tongue on her areolas and it seemed to have taken Hyejoo by surprise. Granted, she could not really see much from her end and so the sudden sensation was too much even for her, and inevitably an airy and uncontrolled moan escaped her lips. It was too hot even for her and her panties seemed to agree as well. Her skirt definitely lost the minimal purpose it had as it was completely upturned below her. Whether it was intentional for Sang-hoon or not, nothing was on the line already.

The kiss from her breasts were cut short as Sang-hoon raised his body for a brief moment and gently slid his hands down towards Hyejoo’s core, passing her tummy and eventually reaching the hem of her skirt and her underwear. A convenient flash was imminent, showcasing him the look her Hyejoo biting her own lip as if to prevent herself from moaning. And so, without any other ounce of hesitation from her end, he gave a soft tug and pulled them both at once. Hyejoo raised folded her legs as it got pulled, and he could not help but marvel at the sight. Slowly, as the final ounces of fabric Hyejoo wore were stripped off of her body, he took his time to plant kisses on her thighs, as if they weren’t already exposed with her skirt previously.

A soft clunk was the signal and Hyejoo was naked in front of him, shrouded merely by the dark room yet her outlines were exposed nonetheless. The flashing itself served as another part of the tease; only allowing soft glimpses of Hyejoo’s shaved pussy in that very room.

“Can you remove some clothes too?” She said softly. Her cheeks flared yet it was not even seen by Sang-hoon.

He quickly nodded and moved to grab the hem of his shirt, but he was stopped by Hyejoo’s leg.

“I want to do it… please.”

The request was odd but doable nonetheless. Sang-hoon did the first couple of honours as he unbuttoned his shorts before proceeding to lie down, all while Hyejoo rolled out of the bed and stood on its foot.

Hyejoo knelt between his legs and pulled his shorts and briefs almost in the same courtesy as he did to her. Now, to save some time, Sang-hoon pulled the shirt off of him as well. He didn’t even have time to register his nudity when he already felt his shaft was wrapped with Hyejoo’s tense fingers, seemingly buzzing off thousands of signals all over his naked body.

The first greeting she did was to give it a soft lick, admiring the mushroom tip of his penis leaking with pre-cum. She was shaking, but seemed to know what to do. The question of him being her first was not the concern, but rather the moment that was about to come. Things were too intimate to even think about the smallest of things.

Soft and long strokes followed with Hyejoo kneeling on the bed. The rain had notably toned down from the outside, settling on mere drizzles as even the lightning fell apart. The outline of her body was projected even further. Eyes finally adjusted, and it would seem that he could finally see the beauty of his naked girlfriend below her. Strands of Hyejoo’s hair tickled the perimeter of his cock as the girl seemed to debate whether she’d settle for a hand job, or use something else entirely.

“Can I?” she asked with a heavy breath.

He initially nodded and then realized…

“Go ahead. I’m with you, Hyejoo-ah~ Do whatever you want.”

That oddly turned her on. Having complete control, having his full permission really turned her on. That was all the drive that she needed.

She quit exploring and focused her mind solely at the task at hand. Hyejoo began by giving his cock a soft lick from bottom to tip, anxious if she had done things properly. She had never done this before, nor even imagined herself doing it sooner, so no visual preparations were done for that matter. The feeling of her boyfriend’s dick lodged on her mouth was not even a part of her illusions, but there she was. That moment, she was merely going on instinct. Hyejoo was shaking as she attempted to keep things under control; split between slowly letting her mouth do the work or merely let her animalistic urges drive her and head on furiously.

There were a couple of strokes that followed and Hyejoo seemed to have found the rhythm that suited her. She inserted good, drawn strokes after one good suck. The reaction coming from his body told her perfectly that she was doing things correctly.

Her head began to bob slowly, yet there was still a moment’s hesitation going from her. He could feel her keeping herself; probably even trying to not even unveil all out. It was surprising to think that despite that, Hyejoo was giving him the time of his life. Her tongue was perfectly held on the right places, on his most sensitive spots. She increased in pace, bobbing her head quickly but clearly out of experience. It was, however, enough for Sang-hoon to feel what he should feel. Insert a couple of sucking, and she was practically pleasuring him more than she knew.

“H-Hyejoo, wait,” He gasped. “N-not yet…”

“I… I’m sorry… I don’t k-know what I’m d-doing…”

“It’s fine. Do you want me to lead the way?”

She raised her head and nodded in the silence, and then Hyejoo carefully moved to slide herself towards the sheets as she lay against her back. This time, it was him who recoiled back towards the end of the bed and gazed over the figure of Hyejoo before him.

Surely, it took a good amount of time before his eyes finally adjusted to the light and now, he didn’t even need any sort of illumination to make-up the perfect sculpt of Hyejoo’s amazing body. The skies have probably cleared from outside as well, allowing a minimal amount of light to enter, just perfect for him to see what he wanted to see.

And there Sang-hoon saw an oddity on her body, albeit he must be seeing things differently with the limited lighting. It would appear to him as if Hyejoo’s cleavage extended from both ends of her boobs not far from the end of her collar bone down to what would be the edge of her sternum.

In his head, now that her tits were free, there was no way that he’d show that profound cleavage, but then again Hyejoo’s breasts were always deceptively huge as they were hidden under the clothing. Surely it was just one of the many secrets being conveyed to him on that intimate moment. It was definitely one of the deepest cleavages he had seen on any other actress he stumbled upon on his youth.

“H-hey… what’s the matter?”

“N-nothing… I’m… I’m going down now…”

He dismissed that thought in his head and proceeded to what he was initially planning to do, and that was to eat his girlfriend out on the best way he possibly could. He stopped and brought her lips on her lowers, greeting it with a long, upward lick followed by flicks on her clit. All those were returned by contained moans coming from Hyejoo’s end. She was moist, and that was expected, but the whole idea of Sang-hoon eating her out seemed to make things more erotic.

His hands ventured towards her tits as he continued to lick her pussy, feeling the depth of her cleavage first-hand. As he transitioned towards the other, he felt the bump of the supposed deep cleavage like a long line, but elected to ignore it with all the moaning that she has been doing.

Hyejoo’s body automatically responded by gently grinding her hips against his face, only to be met by a hungrier flick by her lover’s tongue. He had started to come to circles on her clit as well, sending her into an indomitable frenzy. Louder moans escaped her needy mouth as her fluids began to leak further.

Moments later, Hyejoo’s reactions became more imminent on her bodily movements. She began to grasp the bed with the sheets being more crumpled on her touch. Her legs began to momentarily move around his ears with her hips trembling more and more with the coming orgasm. She was screaming into the evening, no longer caring if she could even be heard by the neighbours on the dark evening. Something was bound to come and it was very prominent already. There was no going back.

“Oh my god~” she moaned, succumbing to the pleasure of her pussy.

Instead of altering his pace, Sang-hoon instead proceeded even further and even made sure to repeatedly thrust his tongue back and forth to meet her rocking. The bed had started to creak, but even that was given no real attention. Hyejoo was about to cum and it would only be a matter of time.

Hyejoo’s hips vibrated just as her thighs clasped his head and her back arched, and what followed was the raw squirt of her juices enveloping his awaiting mouth, topped by a long and drawn out moan for what it was worth. Heavy breathing followed the insane sensation; her chest heaving up and down as her orgasm finally subsided while her boyfriend continued to clean the mess that was clearly his fault.

He eventually trailed up and joined her on the sheets. The bare moonlight peering through the dark curtains managed to illuminate her messy face; forehead sweating and strands of hair all over her plain face. She was still out of breath from all that and he ought to give her all the time she needed because the best was just about to come.

She turned her face towards him and gave a long, ‘thank-you’ kiss.

“Are you okay?” he asked out of assurance.

“I am… we’re net yet done now, are we?”

“We’ve made it this far… we might as well go all the way. I love you Hyejoo.”

“I love you too. D-do you have a condom?”

He nodded as he moved to fish out a small sachet from his jean pocket. He never expected things to turn out this way but the purchase sure yielded its reward. He took that as an insurance in case he got too desperate to move on from the Olivia/Hyejoo conflict, and yet there he was about to use it on her. It was almost poetic to even think about. There was a rip, a roll, and perhaps a little stumble here and there but things managed to work out. Hyejoo went from sitting in anticipation to sitting in preparation, knowing that with his approaching figure, it was time for the best part.

He slowly crawled on top of her and aimed at her still-dripping entrance, carefully rubbing his covered cock on her folds and feeling the warm escape from her very core. Ever essence, every doubt coming from the past was no more. It was surprising even for him that he no longer cares about whom he thinks he’s about to have sex with; Olivia was no more and Hyejoo was the one with him. It felt more certain more than anything else. That small sliver of thought, even if it was held on the back of his head, intoxicated him in addicting invite knowing it felt very ceremonious for what he had achieved.

The limited lighting definitely added an ounce of sexiness to what’s about to happen. He finally got into position on his knees and Hyejoo was more than welcome to open her legs for him. Slowly, he went in; the silence searing their naked bodies as contact was finally made.

“Fuck,” Sang-hoon breathed as he pushed the mushroom tip in, the sensation of Hyejoo’s wet and warm cavern being the cause for his cursing. A small shake seemed to emanate all over Hyejoo’s parted body while eliciting a stifled moan. Hearing that, he paused and shifted his position to get better support.

Through the silence and the dark, he saw her bring her hands up to cover her mouth just as he resumed putting his girth within her opening. Her stifled noise continued as he did that, emanating what sounded like midway between a moan and a yelp. However, he had no intention to stop. He continued parting her very walls while Hyejoo anchored her hands on his shoulders for dear life. Slowly, he moved his hips back while making sure to keep the tip in, and gently moved inwards as he collapsed into a mindless delirium. He did not even notice his face so close to hers, and there was even a part of surprise when Hyejoo supplied him with a torrid kiss.

That felt like the invitation once again, and after that only the thought of making love to Hyejoo was on his mind. Painful groans from Hyejoo’s size turned into pleasure a couple of slow thrusts into the sex, and her pussy spoke for herself after being wetter and wetter by the minute. Hyejoo’s hands snaked towards her back and she anchored her legs on his thighs, as if to say that he could go deeper. He did exactly that, thrusting harder and harder moaning with the woman under him as well.

Hyejoo threw her head back as Sang-hoon penetrated her even further. The region was exposed, and so he moved to kiss her presented neck. It was rabid, animalistic, but it sure was pleasurable. The once rain-fall induced noise was immediately replaced with harmonious moans coming from them both, purely driven by the sheer pleasure of intimate sex coupled with the slapping of skin versus skin.

“Sang-hoon …” she huffed, tapping his shoulders for attention. “I… I want to ride… I want to ride you.”

With a huffing breath, he nodded and pulled out and repositioned himself and he saw a trickle of Hyejoo’s fluids trailing from the tip of his cock. He was sweating profusely, but there was little time to even notice what was going on around him. And so, he went on off ahead to lie down the bed as Hyejoo began to crawl up to him.

Hyejoo placed her thighs on his as she effectively straddled him, her immaculate figure basking in the limited light of the quiet room. Her lengthy mass of hair drape perfectly on her shoulders as she moved onto position. She was wet; Sang-hoon had clear evidence on that as soon as she proceeded to lower her crotch onto his, emanating a long moan that echoed across. Hyejoo anchored herself on his tight stomach and began to slowly slide her wet cavern on his thick girth all the way in. Her tightness was intoxicating, and he could not help but whimper at the tight sensation that was almost borderline heavenly. His hands slid from her slim and tight stomach up towards her exposed breasts with Hyejoo giving the first couple of bounces for them to enjoy.

“Oh my god,” she moaned harder and perhaps even louder than before. The new position definitely gave her a new sense of pleasure that she was not feeling from the previous one, but even he was holding himself back. The bed slowly rocked as her hips ground against his, creaking amidst the combined songs of pleasure coming from the couple.

Perhaps the new position was too much even for her to take. Son Hyejoo was simply lost in a world completely her own; dissolving into a fantasy of her own making as she rode him for all she could. She rolled her hips against his, greedy to orgasm for the second time as she placed her hands over his shoulders.

Surely he was not yet prepared for something like that, intending to draw out the satisfying act for as long as he could.

He sat back up, much to Hyejoo’s surprise and moved to plant supple kisses on her ample breasts. She seemed to have gotten the message and re-positioned herself towards the end of the bed, where Sang-hoon sat still buried deep within her love hole. The delay was quickly killed as she resumed bouncing on her boyfriend again, this time a lot more intimate with the kisses he gave and the moans that came out. It was addicting.

He then snaked his hands down her curves and made their way towards her ass. Grabbing a handful of each cheek, and in turn using it as leverage to thrust deeper into her, he pummelled harder inside her as Hyejoo’s moans collapsed her mouth next to his ear. Whispers of curses escaped with the in delectable pleasure. The shortness of her breath was one sign, perhaps for good as he could feel his climax that was about to come as well.

Sang-hoon felt Hyejoo’s hands wrap around his neck, pulling him closer towards her neck as she moaned yet again; her hips rocking in perfect sync against his upward thrusts. Sweat and saliva mixed onto their bouncing bodies as they both held on for dear life. The orgasm was imminent, and it would only be a matter of time. He wanted to savour the moment for himself and pulled his head back, in turn taking a look at the beauty of a pre-orgasm Hyejoo, eyes shut from the pleasure and mouth open of moaning with her hair dancing in a hypnotic wave. The sight only turned him on further as he neared, once again attaching his lips on the exposed neck of his girlfriend.

Son Hyejoo let out a long, audible and clearly drawn out moan right after her legs shook violently and her nails dug deeper onto his skin. Sang-hoon gladly met her at the peak and equally closed his eyes as well and joined her in the heavenly sin. Her walls clasped and pulsated, followed by the wet spurt of juices that dripped against his cock and fell onto his balls.

His engine was firing on all cylinders as he approached as well, with Hyejoo’s long trail of moans stuttered with the action. Sang-hoon shook as his face feel towards her collarbone, seemingly flat-lining in the middle of sex as his orgasm finally approached. His hands groped her ass tighter as it finally came; his cock shooting spurts of cum deep within the condom after a violent twitch with Hyejoo perversely rolling her hips off to match the incoming pleasure. The room was once again filled with perhaps the loudest combination of moans from the couple as the mutual orgasm finally subsided; his cock emptying every bit of sperm it could onto the rubber until he gave out of exhaustion before they both fell onto the surface of the mattress.

The exhaustion of sex eventually caught up to them as they huffed on, hoping to catch breath while keeping themselves on each other’s presence. They were all over the place, sweaty and yet filled with the bright sex-afterglow. All that the couple could think of after that was to rest and reward them for the great job, but of course some formality had to be taken off before that.

“I’ll clean up,” he said shyly as Hyejoo nodded and moved to remove his cock from inside her. Trails of her juices leaked as the plug was pulled, dripping more of her excess cum onto the sheets of her boyfriend. Sang-hoon immediately pulled the condom off and disposed of it accordingly; walking a couple of metres sure proved to be difficult given his current exhaustion.

 “That was amazing,” Hyejoo said as he came back and joined her over the sheets. “I guess I really missed you a lot…”

Everything seemed to have sunken in him the moment that he rested his naked body next to her. It was hard to believe that just a week ago, he had finally acknowledged his peace with Olivia’s soul, and now he just done and fucked Hyejoo without any second thoughts. It felt like a ceremonious beginning, more than anything else.

It might have been better that things turned out that way instead.

He fell silent as he brought the blankets over them both, not even bothering to give a reply to Hyejoo fearing he might say things he ought not to say. After all, his mind was still clouded with the post-sex glow that he merely clung onto her and let his exhaustion take him to sleep. Fortunately for him, Hyejoo felt the same; albeit she was more thankful that she finally got to feel the presence of her boyfriend, and his love was all he needed for the world.

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---THE FOLLOWING MORNING---

Hyejoo woke up in a jiffy. The bright glow from the outside sky as well as the lights that were carelessly left on from the intense session the previous night greeted her. It was crazy enough to think that he had sex with Sang-hoon, but even more so crazy to think that everything came from a supposed power interruption thanks to the storm. The sky was sill faint outside as it was still cloudy, but it was more than enough to tell that it was already day time.

She scanned the small room and embraced the environment before him. It was the first time that she’d been inside a man’s room, let alone his boyfriend’s, but she cannot feel but be amazed with how tidy things were. Of course, there were a couple of their clothes lying scattered all over the floor from last night, but aside from that, things were really organized.

Hyejoo moved her head around and sat up, hearing the soft snores from his body as he dug his face deep onto the pillow. The rest of the blanket was all over her body which in turn left Sang-hoon barely with any cover. Perhaps it was not the light that woke her up but rather the cold; she was still naked after all. With that, she decided to bring the rest of the sheets to his side and cover him for comfort, while she elected to look for a couple of her clothes to cover herself and re-join him on the sheets once again. The bright light from the ceiling was annoying her as well, and it was a primary concern to turn that thing off before it could wake him up like it did to her.

Her nude figure slid off of the bed and moved to fish the first articles of clothing she could find. Luckily, it was her panties that lay scattered next to the plaid shirt she wore on the way to the apartment. The decision was easy, and so she moved to place her underwear between her legs while her plaid shirt covered her bare tits for the time being. It was not much, but it would sure contribute to keeping her back warm while she stayed in the rather cold bedroom.

The next agenda was to close the overhead light, which Sang-hoon perhaps mistakenly left open even before the outage began. It was quickly taken care of with a quick flick, albeit distracted by the half-open drawer on her way back to the bed. She moved to slide the bed-side drawer back shut, yet the presence of an old notebook inside prevented her from doing exactly that; wondering why a child’s notebook seemed to call her to it.

Son Hyejoo threw a quick, cautious look from his snoring figure and then moved to fish out the red notebook. Her fingers trembled as she scanned the pages, nervous on what she could find out while her heart beat faster against her rib cage. Despite having intimate with him previously, it felt extremely invasive of her to check onto his diary. She knew that it was wrong but she can’t seem to stop herself from checking page per page. Someone, or something, was definitely telling her to read it. She was not even sure if that was his.

Then she found it; the name of the red diary’s owner.

Her head immediately threw into visible confusion and wonder as to why her boyfriend would even own an old diary belonging to one girl named Olivia Hye.

---WEEKS AFTER THAT EVENING---

“Choi Sang-hoon… Choi Sang-hoon…!” Hyojong’s voice came calling as soon as he saw his friend walking down, fresh from the class Hyojong himself did not attend. The young man eventually caught up with his friend quickly moved to tap his arm. “Hey, wait up!”

 “Where the hell did you come from? This is your third absence in a row, man. One more absent and you’re surely earning a trip to the guidance office, and you know how strict Ms Vivi is on those kinds of stuff, right?”

“I had other… priorities that I had to attend to, so there’s that. I’ll catch up, don’t worry… How’s the class anyway? Is there anything extravagant that I need to take note of?”

“Well, to be honest, I might have preferred if I joined you on not going,” Sang-hoon replied grimly. “It would have been more fun than staying in the class with enthusiasm seeping out of me like an uncontrollable leak. I feel like I lost the urge to learn, with every lesson seemingly flying by me in the speed of light.”

“Damn, I guess not going was the right call. To tell you the truth, I got busy doing something for another friend. That explains the absence, but I guess it’s not that much of a deal considering it’s easy to catch up with. I’m more worried with Ms Vivi so I’m definitely attending the next class to break the streak and then do another. I just can’t bring myself to pay attention lately.”

“Believe me when I say that it’s really not that much you’re missing out of, especially if—“

As he and Hyojong continued their little stroll down the hallway, he was quickly cut mid-speech as his girlfriend, or supposed girlfriend Son Hyejoo and her bestfriend, Park Gowon walked past them in an obvious display of rush. It seemed to him that they were eager to overtake him and Hyojong’s slow pace. However, Hyojong was quick to find it odd that neither of them even bat an eye towards them both despite having known each other for decent time, nor even Hyejoo greeting Sang-hoon despite supposedly dating.

“And… and there’s that too,” he finished, watching both figures of the best friends disappear on a corner and onto the stairs heading up. “Every damn time that that happens, I remember why I lost the enthusiasm to even sit in class. I’m more interested on heading to the theatre club nowadays but even that has a problem on its own.”

“Shit man… so that means she’s still not talking to you, huh? Damn… are you really sure you have no idea why she just blatantly stopped talking to you?”

“I wish I know what the fuck to answer to that because even now, I still have no clue. Tell me; how am I supposed to figure shit out when it was Hyejoo who just cut the communications out of nowhere, without even giving me a hint on what I did wrong to her? I’m not a psychic, so how does she expect me to fix this?”

“Well, if you have no idea, think about what this entire thing looks like to a dumb-dumb like me, Sang-hoon. I remember you two being so developed that you blossomed into romance so quickly, taking much of the campus by storm. So much so that you seemingly took so much of that fame into your theatre performances, right? People tend to watch it a lot because of the guy that is ‘Hyejoo’s boyfriend’ or something. That went on for quite a while, and you were the talk of the town.”

“Yeah, that’s one of the things I’m enjoying even if Hyejoo’s giving me the cold shoulder and let me tell you: it’s slowly losing its steam for me. I can’t seem to fully enjoy it nowadays.”

“Wow, I can’t even imagine how theatre work would make you feel that way. It’s your passion, right? You even told me before that you’d choose your theatre career more than the path our studies if you had the choice.”

“I still think I would purse that it’s just that with this mess I just can’t stay relaxed with anything I do. My rehearsals used to be so clean and exciting, but ever since this entire fiasco with me not talking to Hyejoo spread like wildfire throughout the campus, everything just became a bit out of control. That reminds me: you remember Im Yeojin, right?”

“Was she the girl that confessed to you in front of Hyejoo? Why? What has she done now?”

“I guess when she got wind of the news of Hyejoo giving me the cold shoulder; she became more persistent on showing up to my rehearsals. When she introduced herself to me, I began to fully recognize her on the audience whenever I’m rehearsing and performing. It dialled down for a while but recently, I began seeing her at the audience again. Mind you, Hyojong, I’m not one to brag about things I receive from fans of the theatre club because I don’t want to be the one patting myself on the back, but I never received that much ever since I got a bit distant with Hyejoo, you know. Things seemed to double, and I have a feeling Yeojin has much contribution to most of that.”

“Damn, I admire her perseverance… you don’t get to see that done by guys these days, even more so a girl… wow. I guess that goes to say that you should deal with this entire Hyejoo deal before it goes more out of control that it already is, right? What are you two anyway? Are you two still together or was there any break-up?”

“Maybe we’re still dating. If there’s that thing called ‘talking stage’ then we’re on the complete opposite of that at this point. It’s stupid. We’re still together, let me get that clear, because here was no break-up, no rejection, no message whatsoever; we’re still together as far as I know. There were just no conversations existing between us for some reason.”

“You can’t remember anything you’ve done to make her act this way or perhaps something you might have said?”

“Believe me, I tried recalling everything I did to her for the past weeks ever since I started feeling the signs and I cannot remember a single wrong thing I did to receive that kind of treatment. I had hints for sure, but the things I’m thinking about don’t make sense at all for this context. I don’t think it would warrant her being mad at me for days. I have a feeling it’s something larger and more serious and I can’t figure out what that was. Having no idea about it is frustrating.”

“Well, I have to agree; it’s got to be something major then. I don’t think she’d just act this way without any reason. In the off chance that she did, well … I don’t know… women tend to do that, I guess… no, that’s not fair to put it up that way. Even an irrational person would have something… some weird reason to get angry, so there must be something. I don’t think that Hyejoo’s that kind of a person so… whatever goes, man…”

“On that scale…? I don’t know… there’s… there’s something…”

Wait…

Could it be…?

There’s no way that Hyejoo got this upset just because we had sex, right?

I have a feeling that she’s not feeling awkward about that; otherwise there might have been some sort of build-up to that problem… if it was bothering her; I think she would have told me in some form before we even reach this point or at least show some signs and hints about it.

See, this is the struggle. I have a slight hint that it might be that and I cannot even tell it to Hyojong that it happened, because why would I tell him that?

I’m not comfortable disclosing that I had sex with my girlfriend, not even to my closest friends.

At the same time, it’s so pent up inside of me that I don’t know what else to do with the conflicting emotions. I know deep down there’s a good chance that it might be the case… that Hyejoo’s upset because we had sex but then again…

What the fuck…?

If that was the reason was this the necessary thing to do? If she really was awkward… if she’s not feeling it after we did it… shit… it’s not like we didn’t mutually agree to it.

I feel like if she’s going to feel awkward or even weird about it, the way she’s acting now would not be the way she’d act.

I don’t get it. It makes sense then at the same time it does not. It’s the only thing I could think of and yet it does not add up with how I’m seeing her act right now.

“There’s something I have in my mind but at the same time it does not make sense… so I’d rather not talk about it because I feel it’s so stupid.”

“Well, if that’s the case then I don’t know man… I guess the only better solution is to ball up and face your girlfriend for what it is. It’s not the easiest thing to do but if you want to fix this, you got to do what you got to do, brother.”

“Even if she’s not talking to me…? I mean, of course I already thought of doing that but I just… she was the one who stopped talking to me so maybe she’s supposed to be the one to go back and talk to me… right?”

“Hey, listen to me man… I know that shit might be really frustrating for you because you have no idea what the hell is going on… I get that. No one can blame you for that, okay? However, taking this out on Hyejoo instead of confronting her directly on what’s going on between you two would only make things worse especially in the long run. You told me before that you wanted to pursue her, right? You now have her, so what’s stopping you from keeping her from leaving you?”

Sang-hoon slowed and sighed with a heavy breath.

“Sang-hoon … I understand how you’re feeling but you got to let your pride go man… This thing could only get worse than it already is. Go to her. Find the perfect timing and ask her why she’s doing this, otherwise we’ll never know the reason why she’s like that. For all we know, Hyejoo might have a deeper reason that what we actually think and I certainly hope that that was not the case because… well, women can be scary sometimes. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

As Hyojong matched his friend’s slow-paced walking, the smaller young man gave Sang-hoon’s back a good pat.

“Shit happens, man, but sometimes shit happens for a reason.”

“I don’t know…. I guess I got a bit discouraged after what happened… I got a bit pissed that things have to turn like that after everything that we’ve been through…”

“I get that, but the way I see things… this would spiral more out of control if you won’t do anything now, would you? Think about it… this is the time you prove that you really like Hyejoo for who she is, and not because she just reminded you of someone you used to know from before. You already told me that you let everything from your past go so you can focus onto her today; that you dropped everything that could remind you of what was so that you can focus on what could be… do what you have to do to fix this if you really want her to stay on your life.”

Sang-hoon merely nodded, having no real interpretation of what his friend had said before his mind was lost into the stars. The hallway was just a small blunder of people at that point, as he was more occupied on his future conversation with Hyejoo. Certainly, the angle of the sex was still there in his head and was the most logical thing he could think of why Hyejoo was not talking to him, so at least that was a sound place to start. However, there was that thought on the back of his head that was lingering like an evil thought, echoing Mr Hye’s words to him when he came back to Australia to let everything go for good:

“Son, there are things in the world that are hard to understand; and some may be better kept hidden. Whatever secrets you discover here or when you come back to your country, please know that Olivia kept things from you for a reason and hope that someday you’ll understand why that was the case.”

It was less sensible than the sex part, yet what if there was some underlying connection between Olivia Hye and Son Hyejoo that he was not inherently aware of? Mr Hye elected to not elaborate on that statement and left it for him to interpret, and yet it made it seem that Olivia was way more alive than the past years of him mourning her absence. It seemed like a stretch to connect everything like that but with how the entire shit show was going inside his head, he’ll have to take whatever he could get.

The possibility of Hyejoo being Olivia Hye without the memories has never been clearly possible to him until then. Perhaps the reason why she was upset was because Sang-hoon discovered something he was never meant to discover in the first place.

Everything was just so confusing and the more he tried to understood it, the more that it became vague to him.

---A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER, RIGHT AFTER THE FINAL CLASS FOR THAT DAY---

I know at some point I got to go talk to Hyejoo and clarify things between us. Even if we’re heading to a bad direction, then at least no one can tell me that I didn’t even try to save what’s with us. I kept Hyojong’s advice inside my head even hours after we had that conversation, stretching towards the subjects that even he and I shared with Hyejoo and Gowon. I guess I got a bit used to ‘ignoring’ her for the past weeks that everything felt normal that I’m not paying attention to her at all, though I would say that the thought of talking to her plagued me more than I thought it would. I was so off for the rest of the day thinking about her.

Deep down, I can’t deny that I don’t want to lose Hyejoo. I don’t want to lose her now that everything seemed to be sorted for the better. I got my mind cleared off of Olivia, accepted that she was gone for good and that Hyejoo was a different person for me. I know that I want to do everything in my power to keep her in my life; and I say that despite losing ground when everything in this seemingly perfect relationship went to shit.

It’s my fault… I can feel it. I know some way, somewhere I screwed up… I just don’t exactly know what that was…

And now, I want to find out; the sooner, the better.

Also, having this heavy feeling is already taking its toll on my classroom concentration knowing Hyejoo is just there in arms reach. She felt so close yet so far, and my head could only take too much desperation and frustration that I could not just let this go any day further. I ultimately have decided to confront Hyejoo tonight and settle this once and for all.

There was no real point letting it linger around and do more damage to us both, too.

And so, as the university concluded its classes (at least for me and Hyejoo anyway), I immediately bid Hyojong farewell with a hint of a hurry. I know he was about to question my sudden decision and all it took for him to get what I was meaning to do was a single point towards Gowon and Hyejoo’s direction. Thankfully, Hyojong was one who would immediately understand things and decided to leave me be as I headed on to follow them both, but not assuring me with a good salute.

I was never a fan of doing this because I honestly felt like an idiot for stalking someone who’s supposed to be my girlfriend, as well as her friend that I am pretty close with to some degree. Out of nowhere, I became a goddamn stalker with how careful and precise each move and step was done. I made sure to match their pace and never let them out of my sight even if I was pretty much obvious with the rest of the people; no thanks to my rather tall stature. That alone inevitably made the entire thing harder to accomplish considering I wanted to stay hidden for the rest of the walk as much as possible.

Now that I am in this situation, I only realized the drawbacks of not having anything planned for it. All I had in mind was to follow Hyejoo and Gowon, stay hidden throughout that, and hopefully approach her on a good place once they went their separate ways. There was no way that I’d just butt in there and ask Gowon to leave just so I can talk to Hyejoo; I know that I might already have a bad impression towards her and I don’t think I want to add anything else to that.

At this point, I’m still lucky that neither Hyejoo nor Gowon had taken a glance at the back. I was able to stalk them as stealthily as one dumb boyfriend could do.

Once we made a good distance from the university, I finally found the opportunity to talk to Hyejoo. Gowon finally bid her goodbye and went towards a separate bus terminal, and just like that Hyejoo was finally alone. I continue my pursuit of her and upped my pace the moment we reached the vicinity of a small park heading towards her neighbourhood, and eventually I gathered the courage to race after her.

My steps grew louder and louder as I approached Hyejoo in the open park. The skies are starting to fade as well, making its way onto the ethereal yet cloudy evening. At some point, Hyejoo was able to pick up the sound of footsteps heading towards her, turned her head and eventually saw that it was me. Her pace immediately picked up with that.

“Hyejoo…!” I called to her to no avail. She maintained her pace and briskly walked away from me. “Hyejoo, please; let’s not do this! At least go and talk to me!”

Still, there was no effect. Hyejoo kept walking forwards ignoring all of my pleas for her to stop and listen. I knew I had to do more than just that to make her listen to me, and so I went off to walk past her and stand in front; effectively blocking her from walking further past the park. There was no one else in the park with us, thankfully. In case this conversation would turn sour there won’t be much of a commotion to be worried of.

“Hyejoo… please… I don’t know how else to approach this and make you talk to me… there’s something wrong… there’s something that I did wrong… at least let’s just talk about it… Please allow me to apologize and fix this and just not talk to me…”

I paused, huffing in place as I witnessed Hyejoo raise her head and supply me with a look of anguish; her sharp eyes staring onto mine as if she was burning my soul with deadly intent.

“What are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong with us. Please get off of my path because I want to head home early tonight,” she snapped.

“Are you kidding me? We’re supposed to be in a relationship and now we’re not even talking; YOU’RE not even talking to me! You’re even pushing me away! Enlighten me please… if there’s something I did then please tell me what I can do to fix it, not like this that you’re doing the silent treatment with me!”

“If you know that you did something wrong, shouldn’t you be the first person to know what that would be, huh Sang-hoon?”

I was about to reply when Hyejoo began to walk past me, making sure to graze her shoulder against mine. I found that thing to be so rude that I felt myself snap, logic and courtesy be damned.

How the fuck is that even supposed to make any sense?

All the pent up frustration that I’ve been experiencing for the past couple of days seemed to have poured itself out of my container as I finally lost it. I got mad. I got so pissed that not even Hyejoo bothered to make any of this any sense that I decided to unleash everything and ask her directly, because I’m done trying to figure out what this bullshit was about.

“Hyejoo..!” I called to her walking figure, and I never got any sort of response.

I ran towards her with my steps sending dust to the air with every step I made on the dry surface, eventually able to reach the retreating figure of Hyejoo. I yanked her by the wrist just enough to get her attention whilst applying as least pressure as I could to not totally hurt her, yet even then I felt I still applied too much. Apparently, it was effective as Hyejoo turned the moment I went in contact with her, only for her to swat my hand off of her arm.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Sang-hoon?!”

“Is it really me who has a problem, Hyejoo? Am I the one who has something wrong with me? I came here to talk to you! I came here to fix whatever the hell is going on between us and yet you don’t even tell me what the heck is wrong! You just stopped talking to me without any sort of context; and now I learn that you dread seeing me like this because you wanted to run off? What the hell is going on? I had no idea that there was already something that is a big deal to you!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You want me to admit it? You want to hear it from my own mouth? Fine; I don’t know why you’re acting like this! I had no damn idea because we’re doing so fine before you decided to just stop talking to me! You ghosted me and I’m supposed to be your boyfriend!”

“You have no idea why…? You’ve been dating me for a while and yet you still cannot get anything through that thick skull of yours why I’m acting like this? How vile could you be?”

“’Vile’…? What the heck? I told you; I don’t know why you’re acting like this! Was it because of what we did that evening? Were you acting sulky like this just because we had sex, huh Hyejoo? If that’s the case, I don’t know why on earth you would even act like this right away instead of talking to me about it first! It’s not like I can un-fuck you when you do this now, can I? Tell me; are you acting like this because we had sex?”

Hyejoo’s expression turned into disgust and anger.

Now what?

“What… are you seriously telling me that… that’s the reason you thought out… that you’re thinking I’m upset because… what the fuck…?”

“This is why I wanted to know, Hyejoo! This is why I kept on asking you why you are like this, because I can’t go on… I can’t let us stay like this! Tell me what’s wrong so that I can fix it…”

I tried to keep my emotions in check and yet I could not control my own voice. My legs began to feel weak as I shook in place; I guess that with all the frustrations I’ve been keeping for the past weeks that the thought of losing Hyejoo never occurred and sank into me until now, even more so when I just blatantly got angry in front of her. All that jarring realizations seemed to hit me all at once that my mind flew off from where we were standing, frozen in front of Son Hyejoo as she, too, had her eyes water. Eventually, a single drop of tear ran from the corner of her eye down to her cheek as the rest of her face flustered red with emotion.

“Do you really know why I’m mad at you?”

“Hyejoo… I’m sorry...” I tried to hold her but she quickly swat my arm away.

“DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY I’M MAD AT YOU?”

I was lost for words. I never thought that I would even see Hyejoo roar out of anger like that. All I could do was watch as she drew her backpack and fished something from it, all while suppressing herself from breaking down in front of me. It felt like the longest couple of seconds of my life. I don’t even know what I was expecting to see from it…

Then, my heart stopped the moment I recognized what she pulled from the bag.

I was not even able to process it completely because she fished it and slammed it against my chest, altogether leaving the crumpled red notebook to fall down towards the dusty surface of the park and crash with a soft mess.

Shit…

I could only watch in horror as the Olivia’s red diary lay mangled over the dirty, soiled floor; a piece I used to keep in pristine condition lay messed and deserted before my very feet.

---

The world might have as well ended for Sang-hoon. His limbs went numb as he gave up and knelt, his skin paled white, and his lips shook in horror with what was before him. Olivia’s Diary… of all the things he could think of that Hyejoo would get mad at him for, the absolute worst possible thing was the root of it all. Everything seemed to have crumbled upon him that moment. The vow of not checking on anything in relation to Olivia after he got his closure now bit him on the back.

He cannot even remember when he last saw the diary. Sang-hoon could not immediately think of a way for Hyejoo to see it by any means, and now it’s in front of him. Who knows how long she had it with her?

The Diary, the single surviving and tangible link he had with Olivia Hye found its way to the single surviving reminder of Olivia’s physical body, Son Hyejoo. Now everything made sense to him; the longer that he spent his knees planted on the dusty ground, gravelling at the now lopsided diary before him, the more that he wanted the ground to eat him up and end his torment once and for all.

He did not even know how to begin to speak about it. Hyejoo standing there in front of him, not even moving a single muscle added to the dread and solemnity of the moment. Her stillness was intimidating just as her silence was deadly. The gut-wrenching realization knowing she must have been waiting for so long to confront him of it; every page of the diary driving another strand closer in revealing his web of lies.

He rummaged through the mangled old notebook, trying as much as possible to get everything fixed and back to the way they were. From how he saw it, it would not appear that Hyejoo was blatantly rough on the notebook while she was in possession of it. It was just that the impact of her slamming it against his chest with all the built-up emotion, anger, and frustration that came with it caused it to crumple in a mess before falling towards the floor.

“H-Hyejoo…” he croaked with his shivering hands desperately clinging onto the messed notebook. “I-I…”

“How long… h-how long have… how long have you intended to k-keep this from me?”

Carrying the notebook, Sang-hoon finally gathered the strength to stand up. Despite that, the sheer weight and emotion of the entire ordeal kept his knees weak from Hyejoo’s immense presence, a deadly aura radiating from her figure.

“I never intended to keep it from you… I always wanted to clear my mind of things first before… before we became a thing…”

“Really…? You never intended to keep it from me? DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME. Tell me; if I didn’t see this notebook on your apartment, would you even… w-would you even tell me about your childhood sweetheart, Olivia Hye?”

“Hyejoo please… don’t think of it that way—“

“And how else do you want me to take this in, huh?” She snapped back, trying to keep her tone controlled yet authoritative. Every syllable that escaped her lips was filled with so much anger and disappointment. “Tell me; how on earth are you expecting me to take this in? What do you think I’m feeling now, reading everything written in that diary over there?”

Sang-hoon fell silent as he was lost for words. Hyejoo caught him off guard. His worst nightmares have come to truth and Hyejoo’s fury is the pure manifestation for it. There was no denying it now; he really fucked up. Even if he fixed everything he needed to make him accept Hyejoo for who she is: a separated individual from Olivia Hye, in her eyes he still used her as a substitute for his dead childhood sweetheart. Whatever reason he had, no matter how fair or not they were; it would most definitely look bad in front of Son Hyejoo.

Despite that, he still tried to console for his actions and attempted to appeal to her. He moved to speak but was swiftly cut by Hyejoo’s regretful tone.

“You and I know the truth Choi Sang-hoon; you never intended for me to find out about this notebook. You wanted to keep it to yourself forever. You never planned for me to know this at some point because you know how I would feel. You never intended to tell me because you wanted to bury the truth; you wanted to bury the real reason why you pursued to date me in the first place.”

“Hyejoo, please—“

“TELL ME THE TRUTH; tell me everything!”

Hyejoo’s voice tore through the silent park, joined only by the soft rustle of the leaves above. The skies have completely darkened, and the illumination of the post lights on Hyejoo’s face only made her appear more menacing than she already was. Her visage was terrifying than ever; she did not appear to be the Hyejoo that he knew, as she was more close to being an irate, vengeful spirit of Olivia Hye punishing him for defiling her honour.

“I-I’m… I’m sorry Hyejoo… I… yes… I… I did got interested o-on you because… because you resembled Olivia so much… you reminded me of her in almost everything t-that you did; t-to think that there’s one… t-there’s one person in this side of the world t-that… that looks exactly like h-her… a p-part of me was confused… a-a part of me wanted to believe that.. .that maybe she lives in you… that there’s a chance that… that you are her… there’s a reason that I c-can see her in you… I’m sorry…”

Sang-hoon, too, fought back his tears and tried his best to console himself, and yet he still shed in the end. Despite his best efforts to conceal his emotions from her, he cannot deny that deep down it slowly became adamant that Hyejoo was different. It was an unsung truth that he thought he had already accepted, yet now the truth is biting him more than ever.

“O-Olivia…” Hyejoo began, her voice creaking yet kept a cold tone. “Olivia Hye was a childhood friend of yours… y-you two agreed to marry each other once y-you become of age… You two were… you two were soul mates; destined to be together until… until she died when she was just sixteen… I read about her, digested everything about her… learned more as to why I reminded you so much of her… Sang-hoon, please tell me…

“She was your basis on everything when you and I were trying to get to know each other, am I correct? You dated me thinking that I was the missing link; that I was who this Olivia girl was supposed to be if she was still alive is that right? You wanted to believe that she and I was the same person… correct?”

“H-Hyejoo… I’m sorry… I know you must have felt it too because you told me the reason why we clicked together so quickly… Everything that happened… e-every move that I made… everything was… everything that I thought you liked were all based on her… on Olivia… that everything on you both seemed to add up; you both have the same preferences, the same mannerisms… the same face and body… even if… even if I wanted to believe that you and her are different, everything seemed to have been pushing her to you even more. Believe me, Hyejoo; I tried in all that I could to view you differently… I tried to force myself to think that you and Olivia were two different people, but I just… I just can’t…

“Maybe a part of her lives in you, Hyejoo… I’m sorry, but at some times… sometimes I think that Olivia lives in you so much that… that I thought she and you are one and the same.”

Hyejoo stood so still, her face void of any emotions. And so, the young man beckoned to continue.

“I… I’ll tell you the truth… all of it, Hyejoo… yes; I was interested on you because of Olivia Hye… You were the physical reminder that she was still alive after all… everything seemed to add up; throughout the course of our relationship, you had the same of everything I knew that was with her… I know I’m desperate and I’m going in circles… but I wanted to believe that maybe Olivia survived the disease at some point, forgot her memories and… and came back to me as you. I-I… I know that it’s a stretch. Even I did not want believe it, so I went back to the place where we left her... I went back to Australia because I wanted to clear myself off of everything, and maybe sometime there find the answers I’m seeking… that… that explains why i… why I randomly went missing… that was… that was when I wanted to find the things I’m looking for…”

Hyejoo’s bloodshot eyes glared at him once she realized a flaw in the timeline.

“But… b-but that was just… so you mean… y-you mean t-to tell me that… t-that it took t-that long into our r-relationship b-before you made a move to clear your head off? I-it took you that l-long to realize that you’re forcing Olivia Hye into… i-into me all this time?”

Silence

“Sang-hoon … y-you mean to tell me that… that almost all of this relationship was you… was you dating Olivia Hye and… and not me?”

He bit his lip in contempt as he knew the answer perfectly. He closed his eyes, and with utmost regret, gave her a small nod. At that point, Hyejoo’s nails were digging dangerously deep against the skin on her palms that they began to hurt her, and probably it was a better distraction from the pain and heft her heart was feeling. She thought that confronting Sang-hoon about it would ease her up after unleashing all her fury towards him, and yet it made everything worse exponentially.

“When you went off and caused a fistfight defending my name from Takagi, was it me in your mind or was it Olivia Hye?”

There was no response from his end. He knew the truth and yet he did not want to speak up. He had already caused a lot of damage.

With his silence, Hyejoo continued on.

“When you kiss me, were you kissing me or was it Olivia?”

No response.

“When you and I had sex, who were you seeing? Was it me or was it Olivia?”

Still, there was no response.

The silence amidst the whisper of the witnessing trees around them was swiftly broke by a series of steps. Ever since Sang-hoon and Hyejoo began talking, neither of them moved as everything was conveyed on a safe distance between them. However, the young woman walked towards him despite her legs feeling weak from his revelation. Hyejoo barely kept herself standing up.

“You dated me to fulfil the promise of your dead girlfriend,” she mouth as she moved closer to him. Hyejoo’s deadpan gaze only looked a lot more dangerous now that she was closer to him, accentuated by her flaring red face as well as her bloodshot eyes. “You dated me in the hopes that she’d live in me, that at some point I would turn into her in your eyes. You wanted me to become Olivia Hye, regardless if we just look like each other or not.

“You dated me to be her substitute. You never loved me for who I am, Choi Sang-hoon … You just loved me because you see someone else in me.”

“Hyejoo, I did love you! I love—“

SLAP

Sang-hoon froze in mid-sentence feeling the sting of Hyejoo’s palm against his left cheek. He went on off to hold it again, only for him to see Hyejoo raising her left hand.

SLAP

Hyejoo swung her palm on his other cheek, hurting the right quite harder than his left. He raised his arms in defence as the young woman began to pound his chest with her arms in frustration, tears streaming down her eyes harder with every strike, ultimately leaving him to drop the notebook back down the floor.

“You’re so fucking unfair! I loved you with all that I am! I gave you everything that I had! You’re so fucking unfair!”

Hyejoo continued to pummel him with her blows until her arms grew weak due to her emotions, leaving her with her hands over her knees as she wept, with Sang-hoon standing opposite her, quite pushed back by a couple of steps.

“Hyejoo…” he began, moving closer to her to assist her up and yet Hyejoo raised her body once more.

SLAP

It was something that came out of nowhere as he really did not expect it, resulting to the final slap being the most painful of the three of them. It was as if Hyejoo was reserving everything that she had with it, and that was despite having most of her ire dialled down previously.

“In my dreams, maybe you loved me back ...

“I am not Olivia Hye. I am not your dead girlfriend.”

And with that, Hyejoo turned and swiftly left Sang-hoon standing there feeling the impact of her palm against his face; but not before stepping over the fallen notebook one last time.

He knew so much that following her further would do him no good, and yet even if he wanted to do so, he simply cannot. He lost all sense of strength in his body as everything went away. Two of the most important people left him that evening; the precious memories of Olivia Hye stored in a notebook he always preserved in utmost pristine condition now lay soiled, stepped on, and crumpled over the dirty floor, and Son Hyejoo just stormed out of the park because of the mistakes he, himself, caused her.

The world might have as well ended for him.

---HOURS AFTER THE ENCOUNTER---

The strength and emotion that sprang from Hyejoo’s slap caused enough ripples throughout the following hours after that confrontation. It took a great amount of time for Sang-hoon to gather himself at the park, pick the messed-up red diary, and bring himself to finally head home.

He felt empty.

He felt so powerless.

Nothing could have ever brought him down to his lowest peak than that, and he knew perfectly that he had no one else to blame but himself. No one did this to him; it’s not Hyejoo’s fault, not Olivia’s… it was his only fault. He did everything up until that point to screw up the only chance Olivia might have given him to feel her once again; she was never meant to return physically no matter how much he wanted to fantasize about it. Olivia knew she was already dead at that point, and Hyejoo was the one who was not supposed to replace her, but rather give a purpose for him to carry on and continue fighting his battles. The fact that they shared the same face was perhaps the reminder that she still exists not on the ways he expected her to be.

But now, even that small chance was lost forever.

He was so occupied on what had transpired between him and Hyejoo that the trip heading back to his apartment was basically nothing to him. He was defeated and his purpose for living was lost. The last thing he wanted to do was to head back home to indulge on the aftermath of that conversation, fearing he might end up doing something he did not want to do. However, even if he did not want that to happen it was always bound to happen. The thoughts and future consequences of that encounter began to eat him from the inside out the moment he entered his apartment alone. The most human thing he could do was to lash his anger out on everything he could see.

His apartment immediately turned into a dismantled ruin the moment that he began to vent his frustrations on his furniture. The sheer destructive power of his physique was tantamount to the wreckage that followed his wrath. One bottle of alcohol was the catalyst; something he knowingly purchased on his way home to help him digest on things and yet all it had done was make his situation and his thinking worse. All the liquor did to him was to give him confidence to break everything in his sight. The phone, despite attempts of Hyojong to connect to him, was discarded in a pile mess as he threw it elsewhere across the room, sending it crashing towards the floor and easily breaking its screen with the impact.

Chairs lopsided, plates shattered, glasses lay broken on the floor, ruptured pillows sent feathers all over the place, and even Olivia’s precious diary was thrown across the walls that sent most of her pages flying off with the rest of the messed floor. If it was not for his trance-like silence, it would have been easy for his neighbours to think that he’s been murdering someone in cold blood, but even then his tears and enraged demeanour could only do much damage to what he could touch, leaving the demolition to be felt by his ornaments more than anything else.

Three bottles later, Sang-hoon found himself on the foot of his bed leaning on its foot, head aching with the aftermath. Scattered and torn sheets lay dishevelled around his exhausted body. He has sobered up a bit, only now bearing witness to the art of destruction that he had done. The faint light highlighted the torn curtains as well as the broken ornaments of the floor, emphasizing how much damage he incurred. He might have cut himself during his rampage, but even then he was already too numb to feel anything. His eyes were bloodshot from all the crying and the tantrum he has felt for the past minutes and yet there was still that urge to go on. There was no amount of destruction that he could amount to the ruin he left on his self; Hyejoo and Olivia were gone. His life was as fucked up that it could have ever been.

He stared into the empty wall before him and his eyes set on a single page that flew off from Olivia’s diary. It was a page that contained her photo as she smiled on their first bike ride together. She was so alive then, she was so happy smiling towards the camera, so perfect before the disease ruined the chances of her getting the life she deserved. If only he could bring those times back when everything was simpler; when everything he wanted to do centered on living a life with Olivia Hye...

However, Olivia was dead.

She has been dead for a long time.

The times that he spent fantasizing that she could still come back was an illusion he made for his own comfort, and everything was just a stupid lie, a deranged form of gas lighting himself from the bitter truth.

No matter how hard he can convince himself, there was no denying that she was dead. Even Olivia’s father said so.

But son, even if Olivia’s gone now that does not mean she cannot come back in some way, right?

 Even that was bullshit to him. Mr Hye’s statement when he went back was just a stupid ploy to make him better, to make him believe that there’s a pot of gold waiting for him at the end of the rainbow.

The only way he could think of was to truly join her, and end every torment he’s been giving himself because of her loss.

Hyejoo is not Olivia, and now even the only lasting reminder of her was gone because of his fault.

Was there even a reason to stay in the world?

He brought the empty bottle of alcohol closer to his face and eyed its glassy contents, holding on its neck before smashing it against the floor with a loud crash. Shard of glass flew all over the empty and dark apartment and around him, with the remnant of the bottle’s sharp end seemingly speaking to him, talking to his innermost frustrations and disappointments…

It would be easy for him to end everything once and for all.

All it would take was one quick swing…

One quick swing and he would truly join her for good…

One good swing…

“Oli… I can’t take this anymore…” he whispered, gazing onto the faint outline of Olivia Hye’s face before him.

I want you to continue with your life, Sang-hoon. The ending of my story may have not been a happy one, but that does not mean that you don’t have the chance to make yours happy.

Live, Sang-hoon. Live because I love you more than anything else in this life.

I love you, my Sang-hoon, always and forever.

It felt as if staring straight at Olivia’s crumpled portrait caused her to speak to him.

He knew he was at the lowest. His heart knows how easy it is to go out, to take the easy way out and forget everything that he had fought up until that point

However, Olivia Hye would not want that to happen…

She would not have wanted him to give up. If she was there, Olivia would be the one who would hug him and tell him that things would go right in the end. If things seemed so hard still, then it is not yet the end for his story.

The moment that he realized what he even thought of doing, he became afraid of the very thing that was on his very hand. He panicked on the spot and threw the sharp half of the bottle across the room, sending it crashing towards the wall and far from his reach. His eyes began to tear up as he reached up towards the page containing Olivia Hye’s picture, guilt ravaging him from within and added weight to his already heavy heart, and yet the hope was still there in front of him. With utmost effort, Sang-hoon gathered his remaining strength up and moved to pick up the torn portrait of Olivia and embraced the thin sheet of paper. It was already over for him and yet she was still there for him no matter what, and all he could do at that very moment was cry his eyes and heart out while holding the memories of his dead childhood sweet heart in his arms.

---

There was a bright flash of light and I remember myself running. My feet were fast on the ground as my heart pounded heavily against my chest. There was a great sense of adrenaline of which I could not quite put my finger on. I had to run fast.

Why?

I don’t know.

All in know was I was in a hurry and that if I did not run fast enough, I’ll fail. I held some sort of baggage in my hand and I had a huge feeling that it was the reason why I was running in the first place. There was a sense of rush, but I am confident that I am not being chased by anything, but it was me chasing something instead. I fled my foot against the ground as fast as I could because deep down, I know there’s something that I should be chasing; there’s something that’s at stake if I did not run fast enough. It felt so familiar and now I have a chance of undoing what I felt happened during the past. I had the feeling that nothing should stop me from running otherwise it would be too late.

As I ran further and further down the hallway, details began to slowly engrave to my mind. All ivory- white floor tiles in contrast with the equally bright and clean white walls, empty hallway benches that lined on the edges of the path I ran on, hazy and rectangular lights overhead; I was inside a hospital. The absence of any sort of personnel in this place amidst the seemingly long stretch of a hallway was beyond me as I seemed to know what room I was looking for. Doors came by from the left and the right and I did not even bother look at it until I stopped to a halt, my eyes planted on one particular door on my immediate right. This was it and I made it; there was not even a single point of hesitation for it. I turned the knob and entered with utmost confidence knowing I made it this time around. This was the door that leads me straight to my destination.

“Sang-hoonie…! You made it! You’re just in perfect time!” greeted a voice that was really pleasant, perfectly contrasting the rather dull and clean aesthetic of the room. There she sat on the hospital bed, her face as beautiful and youthful just as I remember from the years of being able to see it so close. She looked so lively and so happy, and I’ve never seen her so healthy and contented than ever. She supplied me with a bright smile, perhaps even more blinding than the bright hospital room she was waiting on me for. However, that flashy smile of hers certainly rivalled the bright white dress she wore. Sure, it was not extravagant as ever; yet the simple white skirt suited her so bright aura much.

“Oli, hello…! I got something for you, and I made sure to not be late this time!” I replied and I saw her immediately jump off of the bed in glee, skipping her way before giving me a tight hug. I was flustered with the touch of our bodies; she was so warm and caring and the hug felt different; something that was long deprived from my senses. It was the feeling of being home.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you,” she replied, her hands withdrawing from the embrace and setting on my forearms, still keeping her touch on mine. “And I waited for you just as said that I would. It’s nice to finally see you, my Sang-hoon.”

“Oli, come on; you were the one who sent me out for these, right?” I replied to her as I gestured towards the paper box I had with me. “I almost got caught up and luckily my legs brought me back in time.”

“Aww… you always made sure that I’m happy… but before anything else, can we talk about something?” I heard her say and then she beckoned me to take a seat with her on the hospital bed, of which I quickly agreed with a nod and followed without question. I set the box beside me and sat beside her, the tidiness and pure-white aesthetic of the room honestly blinding me eyes. I never thought that hospitals could get this degree of cleanliness. It didn’t feel real at all.

“What is this about, Oli? What do you want to talk about? Aren’t you supposed to be in a hurry for something?”

She shook her head and through her familiar sharp eyes then she gave me a very comforting beam.

“I have all the time in the world, Sang-hoon; it can wait. For now, I just want to be with you…

“And also, I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize…? What for exactly…?”

I turned towards her and Oli shrugged her shoulders and pouted on my direction. To my surprise, she slid her hands over the sheets of the soft hospital bed and held mine, of which I swiftly returned by intertwining my fingers with hers. The skin on her hands was so polished and warm, yet somehow I could tell that there was something different. Olivia Hye gave a good and lengthy sigh before speaking to me once again.

“A lot of things… I feel like things would have turned different if I were stronger than I used to be. I made people promise me things that made life unnecessarily difficult for you, especially my family. I intentionally kept things from you because I did not want you to find out, fearing what you’d do once you knew about my little secret. I thought when I did that, I was protecting you from the pain… but I realized that I was the one sparing myself from it.”

What is she talking about…?

“I have… I have been unfair to you in almost every way, Sang-hoon… You, of all people…. You who never left my side no matter what happened; you who always had my back since we were young… You deserve so much better than just being stuck with me, you know?”

“Yah, Oli… why are you telling me this now? It’s not like I’m complaining or anything, right? I love you, and you know that. Ever since we were younger we always were building up to us both getting married to each other, right? Look… whatever this is… whatever is bothering you, don’t let it. I can take it because this is all for you. I love you, Oli. I love you with all of my heart.”

“I know that…. I know what you’ve been feeling and I’m forever grateful for that… but it never takes the truth out that I’ve been really unfair, no matter how much you defend me, that would always be the case. That is the truth and I’m sorry for it. Sang-hoon… I can’t truly move on from this unless I correct my mistake, which is why I want you to give me a chance to correct it. Is that okay with you?”

“O-of course, even though I really do not understand what you’re talking about, Oli… Umm… just do it…”

“If that’s the case, then I better get going.”

Olivia jumped from the bed and stood in front of me. I felt a sudden rush; a panic that caused me to reach for her and hold her arm, preventing her from ever getting away again.

“Wait, wait, you said you had all the time you could spare? I thought you said you wanted to stay in this moment, now you’re leaving me?”

I watched as Olivia smiled and my grip relaxed. She then held my hand and beckoned me down the hospital bed to join her, of which I did without question. The beautiful woman that is Olivia Hye smiled in silence and held my hand with a very reassuring hold. If it weren’t for the bright premises of this hospital room, I would have thought that it was Olivia herself that was blinding me by her light. It was not even her white dress; but I could have sworn that her skin had that small glow to her.

“Sang-hoon… as much as I’d love to, you know that I don’t belong here. I have all the time, yes, and I would love to spend that eternity with you, but if that means that you would forever be trapped in the past, I can’t just let that happen. I promised that I would fix my mistakes, even trading all my time to help you out even in the very least possible way I can. You need to let me go, Choi Sang-hoon. You need to let me go.”

“B-but Oli… I don’t think I can make it without you…”

“You already did, my Sang-hoon. You just need to see it. I promise you that it would be okay. You’ll make it out of this because I know you’re strong.”

“But what if I don’t…?”

“You will… trust yourself. If you can’t, then at least trust me…”

“How about you, Oli…? Would you be okay without me?”

I rested my gaze on her sharp and kind eyes, with Olivia replying to me with a soft nod.

“I promised that I would find you, right? I would be okay because I never truly left you. I’m always with you.”

There was bliss amidst that exchange. I don’t know if there was a weird breeze that blew through the windows of the hospital room but I felt strangely at ease with that. Olivia’s assurance was enough for me; so enough that I slackened my grip from her. I trusted her with that. I felt comfortable that she would be okay, even if I did not entirely understand what she told me. Somehow I was okay with it.

“You said you had something for me… what do you have there?”

“Right… I brought you a box of tteukbokki like you asked,” I replied to her as I handed her the box from the bed. “I almost forgot that I had it. Here you go.”

“Omo… I’ve never tasted these in a long time,” she remarked with a smile after giving the small box a good whiff. “Omo, I can even smell the spices through the box. Thank you! Thank you so much for these!”

“Alright, so shall I walk you out?”

“Hmm… how about you close the windows for me first? We don’t want the next patients to get cold, right?”

Her statement flew about the air like it was magic. I never noticed that there was a window right next to me as it seemingly appeared when Olivia asked me to close it, and that was precisely what I did. I smiled after her and moved towards the window. However, while fiddling through the locks, I felt Olivia open the door and the sense of panic overcame me again. I felt afraid to for her to go; I was scared that I was not with her. In turn, I rushed towards the door watching the final frame of her body just before it closed for good.

“Olivia, wait…! Please wait for me…!”

“Oli…!”

“Oli…!”

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I felt the sweat and panic overcome me as I open my eyes. The bright sun rays from the outside immediately greeted me through the ripped curtains of my apartment. It was just a split-second, but every remnant of sleep seemed to have been shaken off of me. I was sweating profusely; the shirt I wore for last night’s sleep was wet especially on the chest part. I drifted my gaze around the mess of my apartment and things have started to catch up on me.

I was drunk last night and made of a mess of my apartment. Shattered glass and broken china lingered all over the place as an obvious evidence of that. Curtains were torn and I even woke up from sleeping on the floor.

My head hurts, probably because of the hangover...

The entire place was so messed up.

However, even with that I was still stuck on what I just saw.

It was just a dream but I saw her.

I dreamed about Olivia Hye.

---A WEEK LATER---

I know that everything might be a product of my imagination, springing mostly from my excessive thoughts about Olivia but I could have sworn that it all felt so real. Every moment I had with her in the hospital; the same room where she died… I guess I never knew I needed that conversation more than I ever did. Honestly, after the fallout between me and Hyejoo, my mind was in such of an inconsistent mess that I just repeatedly am blaming myself for everything that lead unto this. However, somehow I felt so relieved after that talk; it’s like I’ve finally reached a conclusion I never thought I needed to have especially with Oli. It was a dream, I know. Like I said, there’s a huge chance of it being just me imagining things because of her, but I’m sure that it really cleaned my mind out for a lot of things because of that.

I realized how low I’ve gotten and it was quite evident with the mess that I made out of my apartment. That morning, the very day after I just devastated myself to sleep, I spent most of the time just fixing the mess I made. Having to live alone was hard enough for what it is, and everything that happened here was my fault anyway so I never bothered to contact anyone especially Hyojong or even my own brother. I am in such a mess but at the same time I feel like I’m not going to break anytime soon. I’m stronger now compared to my emotions.

Despite that, I could not say the same with my relationship with Hyejoo.

I debated for days after that event with regards to when I should go back to school, as I don’t know if I could bring myself to face Hyejoo. One day passed, and I know I still could not do it. I settled the first day going around town and thinking to myself of what I should do next. Second day came, and I’m still stuck in that same unmotivated haze that I was into. I don’t know. Deep down, I know that I need to fix this chaos that wrought us apart and I do have plans to do that, all I’m waiting for was the right time for me to gather the courage. I’m quite sure that I don’t have that for now.

After that, the following days have just been a constant push and pull of emotions, debating whether I should go to school and talk to her, especially so since I also have no idea what’s going on with her side after the fallout. I pretty much isolated myself socially, with my only remaining link to school being Hyojong supplying me details of what was going on. I know I might be troubling my friend too much but I could only thank him so much for going the liberty of messaging me with the updates. I sure have missed a lot already. However, I have huge confidence that I can get to that at some point. I have full confidence knowing I can catch up.

Right now I just need to calm down. I need to set myself in the right mind to know what I want the next step of the plan to be. Surprisingly, the one thing that helped me get myself together was the reason why this started in the first place: Olivia Hye’s diary.

I also spent the week attempting to fix the once-precious possession. After all, it was indeed the only link I left with the past and it did look so mangled and distraught after I threw it all over the room because of my anger. Fortunately, I was able to stitch some of the torn pages back, albeit causing a weird and uneven page count because of the inconsistent leaf width, but I cannot do anything else with the torn pages and the overly crumpled covers. I stretched the folded ones but I do agree that they still look awful.

With that, a week after being so busy on finding myself, I tried to open Olivia Hye’s diary on a different goal. During the past, I always told myself that it was hard to even attempt to read a small entry on this note without being sad and nostalgic, as the thought of never even relishing the things I shared with her always bit me to the core. That was always the kind of thinking I had in mind. Now, I tried to read the entries as some sort of a time capsule and focused more throughout her messages to me towards the end; like it was the full and physical remembrance I had with Oli during the past. Throughout that, I realized something important.

Now that I’ve read every single entry slowly and internalized every letter she wrote the moment that she knew she might not make it. I realized now that Oli never had that thought of sadness with her. Her entries were never sad, but hopeful that I could make it soon without her.

“…. I wish I could go to his favourite place in town and treat him after graduation. There’s a huge chance that I might not even get out during that time, especially if my conditions worsen, but at least if I’m gone, someone would be able to do that with him and he’ll be happy for sure. That thought already makes me happy knowing that he’s happy with someone else…”

“…My body is slowly getting weaker and weaker as it gets even harder to write. I might reach the end of this entry soon, but it was never a worry even for me. I think Sang-hoon is even more worried for me that I am worried for myself; and I love that about him. I am more worried that I might not fulfil the promises we made more than anything else…”

“… When I was first diagnosed with this mysterious disease, the thought of never making it out scared me. However, I’ve felt how much of the people I love are trying their best to save me and it made me feel loved and bad at the same time. They should not even be suffering because of me, and the thought of not making out honestly felt better for them. I cannot stand them looking so pained and sad that I am not showing any improvements. I know that they don’t want to tell me that, but I can feel it…”

“…I hope that one day he realizes why I did the things that I did. I hope he understands why I chose to hide certain things from him. I did that because I wanted him to live and not stick his mind with me once I’m gone…”

I always thought, even throughout the years that I’ve read the diary entries one-by-one that Oli’s secret was not telling me of her condition; that in reality the treatment is getting her worse than it’s improving her. That was my interpretation all this time because it felt like the only logical thing.

However, with the dream I had a week ago, somehow that entry rang a bit differently in my head. It’s very baseless to connect a diary entry, something that was done physically and written by a living person, to something that I just randomly dreamt of in the middle of my frustration… yet with everything that was going past me, I can’t seem to not shake the possibility of it.

Oli said that she ‘made things unnecessarily difficult’ for me, and now I read that she hopes I understand why she chose to hide certain things from me, or was that even just pertaining to the same thing? Was she really just pertaining to the fact that her condition is not getting better when she had her medication before…? Surely there was no way that she would hide something from me that I still could not see up until this day, right?

Even now, I still have no idea how I shoulder interpret it. Regardless, I trust Oli. She said I can make it out of this and if she believes in me, then I have to believe her as well.

---4:20 PM---

I had just finished passing an email to my professor minutes ago, explaining why I had to turn in my assignment electronically rather than just going to school and sending it her personally. Even that had an odd tinge of awkwardness that came with it, especially so since I had no idea how to word it out that my absence really made sense. I thought I’d just decide on what to reply to her once she responds. I can pick up from that.

KNOCK, KNOCK

My gaze immediately shot towards the door just as I was unloading my recent groceries on the fridge. I don’t get visitors often; usually it’s just my landlady, Hyojong, and my brother who come in like that. But even they would send a prior notice to me, like a message of sorts, just to make sure that I’m at home that I can attend to them. It goes to say that I was really surprised with that knock, especially since the last time someone knocked on my door like that, Hyejoo was standing on the opposite side of it. Could it be that…?

I washed my hands in a bit of haste while leaving the rest of the unsorted goods on their respective containers for later. I walked towards the door, giving myself some last-minute tidying which mostly consists of fixing my shirt, adjusting the part of my hair, and finally getting a quick yet enough glimpse of myself through the mirror.

I’ll get real here; deep down I know I want this person to be Hyejoo. There was no other person in my head asides from her.

Come on… please let it be Hyejoo…

My heart skipped a beat as I began to unlock the door, quickly moved to swing it open, and the original anticipation of having my face project a good smile was later dissolved into a look of surprise and confusion. It was not Son Hyejoo whom I found knocking in front of my doorstep.

It was Park Gowon.

What…?

Why would she be here?

“H-hi, Sang-hoon,” she greeted, bowing with her wearing usual university uniform. Her formerly blonde hair now seemed to have faded onto her natural black, blending onto a soft and cute brown tone. “S-sorry for suddenly showing up here… I just wanted to know how you’re doing… yeah…”

“G-Gowon… yeah, I’m a bit surprised… but hi there. I certainly was not expecting you so sorry if I looked a bit confused…Umm…?”

“U-umm… d-do you mind if I come in…?”

I paused for a bit because Gowon was visibly nervous as evident on her unusual body language combined with the weird aura she had with her as well. I had no idea what was going on, even more so with Gowon, of all people, showing up in front of my very doorstep. I have a hint of what it is about, but still… she’s the last person I’m expecting to show up from all that.

“Come in, sure… welcome… are you okay?” I asked for assurance because she seemed so shaken for just being here.

“T-thank you… sorry, I’m just nervous…”

I opened the door wider and gestured for her to walk inside, of which she followed with her shoulders so tensed up against her body. Gowon’s steps were so small, cautious even. It looked to me that she showed up on a place she was not supposed to end up on. Then again, that might be the case; she did give off an aura that she was here because of someone else.

Regardless, I gestured for her to seat on the couch I recently repaired. My apartment did have some subtle evidences of my recent outrage, given the obviously evidence of repaired furniture as well as the small paint scratches lingering on the wall. I could only hope that I did not give out a creepy vibe even if I think it was already pretty evident at this point for her.

“A-are you busy doing something?” I heard her ask me as I closed the door behind us both, apparently drifting her gaze towards the pronounced bags of groceries I had on the counter. “I think I might have gone in here on the wrong time… sorry for disturbing you…”

“Oh no, please don’t think of it that way. It’s totally fine. I’m just unloading stuff I brought from the grocery so there’s no big deal,” I replied as casual as I could in attempt to break the awkwardness lingering amidst the air. “Can I offer you something? It does appear a bit messy here but I can get something for you…”

“I… I think I’m fine with coffee… “

My hands were so erratic and barely even holding things when I went on off to get Gowon the coffee she asked for, and I found that weird because I had no real reason to be tensed like this. I guess it was her… it was the sheer presence of Gowon herself that added a little bit of instability to me, knowing I seem to expect something. On the back of my head I know what she came here for, or at least I could assume she did… why else would she even come here? I was so much looking forward to the conversation after that I was just rushing on completing the task at hand. I barely even took some glances towards Gowon to focus, and once I’m done with the two cups of coffee I also took a small cookie jar and brought it in case she wanted some of those too.

Gowon and I exchanged nervous smiles as I set the contents on the table between us, finally giving myself a seat opposite her. The still air was still shrouded between us both and at this point I’m no longer sure if that came from me or from her.

“Thank you for these… you prepared even if I just went in without notice,” she added, taking a small sip from the coffee I gave her. “I wanted to ask you how you’ve been doing… you haven’t gone to class in like over a week. I just wondered how you were doing…”

“I’m… I’m fine, for the most part. I just could not bring myself to go back to school in full confidence; not now at least. I’m trying to busy myself on different things and so far it has been working out for me.”

“I see… you do look okay… I imagined you’d look differently now…”

“Was it better or worse…?”

“W-worse… sorry…”

“Well… I guess you had that right. If someone had been missing for that long, you ought to expect them to not look good, especially since things really did not end well when you last saw me. I’m sure you, of all people, would know about that… right?”

I raised my head as Gowon clearly paused on her cup, and yet ultimately sipped it a second time anyway.

The way I see things, Gowon and I barely had enough interactions despite her being Hyejoo’s bestfriend the moment she entered the university. I guess I could say that I knew her through Hyejoo, but even with that, it is still pretty hard to gauge how to approach a person. I wanted to be forward and ask her right away but I’m also considering how it would affect the flow of the conversation considering she seemed so anxious seated there.

“S-so, how are you passing your requirements nowadays…?” Gowon asked, diverting the conversation topic for what it was obviously headed to. “Having not to go to school might cause you to miss on a lot, you know… I’m just wondering when you’d come back…”

“I’m sending some stuff through e-mail. I had to make some dumb excuses for staying home and I pray that they buy it. If they don’t, then that’s when I’d think of what I could do.”

“Ah, that’s nice… I forgot that you have Hyojong to update you of those things… at least you won’t be behind too much… just make sure to get to the school for the final exams…”

“I intend to do that… I can’t imagine myself being stuck here until the end of the semester. Probably, and hopefully, by that time I figured out what on earth is wrong with me that I can compensate for everything that I have been doing for the past weeks and months. It’s crazy.”

“I… I hope you do… I’m looking forward to seeing you there…”

“By the way, Gowon, can I ask… how did you find out where I live?”

She seemed to have stopped on her tracks. Up until now, I could sense the feeling of restraint and anxiety from Gowon, not to mention how nervous and uncomfortable she looked like. I get it; she’s inside my apartment. I can understand why she might feel uneasy considering everything that was going on currently. However, I just cannot fathom why she seems to be fidgeting with something inside her pocket. Her hands keep in returning to her pocket and she appeared to be holding something in it. Not to mention, I could see her glancing at the wall clock I had above the door. If that was not enough of a hint that something wrong was going on, I don’t know what is.

“Gowon…?”

“Ah… yes…? Oh, how did I find out…? Hye… I mean Hyojong told me…”

I can’t take it anymore. I need to be forward otherwise this conversation is not going anywhere. Gowon looks utterly pressured with the time too for some reason; I wonder what on earth is up with that.

“Gowonah… I’m trying to keep this as chill and relaxed as I could, but I know much that Hyejoo sent you here for something. I know that she’s the one who told you where I lived… and you just slipped too…”

“S-sorry Sang-hoon… I don’t know how I’m going to tell you of things… I had to lie because I am supposed to ask you… Hyejoo…”

“It’s fine… I totally understand… what I don’t understand is why would Hyejoo ask you to go here instead of… you know, showing up? I get that she’s probably still mad at me, but I never imagined her to ask you to go here instead of going herself.”

“It’s… the situation is complicated… a-actually I came here because… I came here in behalf of Hyejoo to tell you that… she wants you to go back to school… she said that… that it’s not worth it wasting your academic life just because you two are not on good terms at the moment… she said that the Theatre club has repeatedly asked her for your presence, and that she cannot reply anything on your behalf because she… because Hyejoo had… she had no idea…”

That was the moment I felt my ears flare red as my heart began to beat fast. Gowon had begun to spill a sliver of everything that she knew, which is what I would have wanted the moment she went in here. However, as much as I wanted to talk and defend myself, I remained silent and merely occupied myself on the coffee; waiting for the rest of the story that she had yet to reveal. Gowon sensed that silence about me and beckoned, her forehead already displaying evidence of sweat.

“Hyejoo wanted me to tell you that… that she asked me to come because she does not want to give you more chances of going for her… Hyejoo wanted you to head back to school, continue with the club and your studies because you’re such a huge loss for the school. Sang-hoon… Hyejoo believes in your talents and… and your abilities… she said that… if you would just be confined in your own space just because of her, it would be a waste… that she could not live with it knowing you did that…”

“What…? Why would she ask you to come instead of her if that was just her reason…? I get that… I get that she does not want to see me to some degree, and I would never question that because it’s fair for her. But this... why does she need you to come all the way here just to tell me that?”

“I…”

There’s something wrong here. Something definitely was not adding up. The fact that Gowon is feeling so uneasy right now gives me the feeling that I’m close to squeezing something out of her. I had to be persistent and continue to pressure her into telling it, even if I am not a fan of doing this. Poor Gowon here was just caught in the crossfire for whatever Hyejoo had planned in her head.

“Gowonah… what is going on? Why are you telling me these things as if I’m not going to see Hyejoo again…?”

“Hyejoo wanted to break up with you after everything… she did not want to tell it straight up because… she can’t do it herself…”

What?

That does not make any sense to me. The frustration is already getting to me but I need to keep my cool for Gowon and this entire mission’s sake.

“Look, I know that I have been an asshole to Hyejoo for keeping a secret, and I am sorry for it. Every day that I spent with Hyejoo as a couple, I repeatedly tried to find the question; did I really date Hyejoo just for who she is or because she looked exactly like my childhood sweetheart? Gowonah, I know at this point she might have told you everything, and she trusts you to the point that you’d head here in her place just to break up with me. You probably know more than I thought you do, so I don’t think I need to tell you anything about Olivia Hye and who she is to me.

“Listen, Gowonah… I have no illusions that Hyejoo would still elect to keep me in this relationship because honestly, it would be better for her to let me go. I just want to ask for forgiveness from her; I want to apologize for using her as a substitute because the answer was evident: I saw my childhood sweetheart in her, and that is the reason why I went off crazy lengths just for her. She was already damaged because I did that, and the least thing I could do was to apologize for my actions and let her go. I don’t deserve her.

“However, even now a part of me wants to make this work out. A part of me wants to fight for her, because in the end I know that I saw Hyejoo as Olivia Hye but Son Hyejoo loved me for who I really am. She loved me despite me seeing someone in her. She saw the real me and fell in love that, the Choi Sang-hoon that could have been. I have been realizing a lot of things throughout the weeks that I’ve been revelling on our separation. It has been that long time alone that the silence made me think of her differently.

“Gowon, I’m not asking for a second shot from her because I know that I do not deserve it, but if she would give it to me I would never let that go; I would never let her go again. Deep down, I know that I saw someone else instead of her, but it also occurred to me that it was those same traits that I saw on Olivia; those very traits that caused me to fall for her were the very same reason that I took a liking into Hyejoo. She might not be the girl I once loved, but if I loved her just because of her appearance, I don’t think we would go this long into our relationship. I realized that it was not just the physical aspect that they’re similar, you know, but they were also both of the same pure and genuine heart. So if you’re going to ask me if I do want to fix this… I do. But if she does not want me anymore, I would not take that against her and leave her peacefully as I should. That’s all I wanted Gowon. I just want to apologize.”

I never noticed how much I have wavered in front of Gowon. Somehow all these pent up thoughts I have been thinking during this exile went off and Gowon was the one I had to tell it to. I never thought that that would happen but it just did. She was singlehandedly the least person I would view best to tell this to and I feel so fulfilled that she was the one with me here. If it were someone else, I don’t think it would have gotten the same sense of meaning.

Now, I have to worry about Gowon because that little monologue of mine seemed to have thrown her off. She was blushing from the other side of the table, not because she was feeling the butterflies I suppose, but because I just unleashed all my thoughts in front of her including my unsaid thoughts about this break-up with Hyejoo. She was just frozen staring at me with an expression that was so full of concern and pity radiating at the exact same time.

“Sang-hoon… oh my god, I can’t take this anymore… you need to know the truth…” I heard her reply once I fell silent. Like before, I noticed her glance at the wall clock again with a worried look, this time her face was already filled with sweat and her eyes were about to burst into tears..

“I’m sorry… I’ve been trying to keep this from you because… I’m trying to do this favour for Hyejoo… she wanted me to keep it from you. She wanted me to go here and distract you from what’s to come. I had to lie; I had to make things longer than they seem… I had to stall for her and I’m sorry.”

“Gowonah, please calm down. Hey, calm down and look at me,” I told her as I noticed her figure was shaking on her seat. “Calm down… what did Hyejoo tell you? It’s okay… it’s going to be okay, just relax. I’m listening, Gowonah.”

“S-she asked me for a favour… to go here and tell you of her farewells because… because Hyejoo’s intending to head out of the country for good... S-she… during your absence she has filed for a transfer, so I guess…. I have a feeling that she might be staying… she might study abroad… she’s headed to Europe… Sang-hoon… I’m sorry…”

Study abroad…?

She’s… she’s moving out for good?

What the fuck…?

“What the… why did you just tell me this now?”

“I’m sorry… she asked me to… she asked me to head here and hopefully stall you and prevent you for ever going after her; that she could just silently exit the country amidst what happened between you both, shutting down a potential conversation and a reconciliation. But now…. now that I have heard of everything… now that I have learned of what happened to you for the past week… I feel like I have no right to even deny you of the chance to get to her. I am not the person who decides if you should get to Hyejoo or not, but at least I can give you the chance that you need… and hopefully you get to her in time…”

“What are you saying…?”

“Sang-hoon, listen to me,” my heart raced fast as Gowon sat straight up, giving another good and quick glance at the wall clock above. “I’m stalling before, but now you need to go. Hyejoo’s flight is scheduled for this evening, and it’s departing at 6:00 PM. I’m sorry if I hadn’t told you right away; it was never the reason why I came here in the first place… please forgive me…”

What the fuck…?

In panic, I glanced towards the clock

4:52 PM

“Fuck… we have an hour to get to the airport! Do you know which airport she’s headed to?”

Gowon nodded, although I am barely even containing myself because of how much panicking I was doing. I can barely even concentrate with what was going on. In my rush, Gowon stood up, a bit shaky but she quickly composed herself and wiped the forming tears from her eyes.

“I’ll get a cab for us, Sang-hoon. I’ll help you get to the airport and chase after her. I’ll wait for you down the street.”

“Alright… leave the cups and the cookies; I’ll deal with them later. I’ll just grab a jacket, secure the apartment and meet you down there.

I did not even acknowledge Gowon’s nod of reply as she seemingly disappeared towards the door while I made my way back to my bedroom, fumbling on the easiest clothes to wear that my hands could readily reach. I was all over the place. The rush that I had in my head, the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins was everything. The situation I originally thought would end up as a tear jerker ended up being more of a chase for a single chance. This was it. This felt like the chance I could redeem myself from her and from Olivia Hye.

I never felt this hopeful since this week began.

I know that chasing after her would not undo the things I did during the past, but at least I got to pursue the possibility of me talking to her even if it would be the last. She would not be as Olivia now; she is Son Hyejoo and I need to get to her as soon as I could.

The apartment still had the lights left on, the unfinished groceries and the exposed coffee and cookies on the table when I moved to lock the front door and follow Gowon’s call from below. Everything flew at me all at once that the rush felt more like a split second of effort to get everything together. I went from sitting on that table to rushing down the stairs in a matter of minutes with one clear mission in mind:

I need to get to Hyejoo before her flight departs, and I have about an hour to do that.

---

All sense of comprehension and rational thinking were thrown along with the cab ride as Choi Sang-hoon repeatedly attempted to call Hyejoo, all while Gowon sat beside him giving directions towards the driver throughout the unexpectedly stressful trip to the airport. He thought that his one hour allowance was more than enough for him to make it in time. It just so happened that the time they traversed and rushed towards the airport was close to the city’s rush hour, ending up with them trying to squeeze through traffic all while the threat of losing Hyejoo looming in the cold air.

Sang-hoon attempted to connect a call to her throughout the trip in hopes of stopping her before she even boards. However, even that was nil as it yielded no results. Hyejoo’s cell was off and she was not responding on any of her socials. Even when it felt like a last, desperate attempt to do so, there still was no result.

The pair of them quickly paid the driver and hurried off towards the entrance of the airport, the cab zooming in the distance right after. Gowon and Sang-hoon hurried inside of the airport, having to go through a tremendous amount of convincing through the gate for them to be let in without an actual flight. It took a bit of Gowon’s sweet talking that they were eventually let in, with the promise that they would not take long inside and that they would exit on the same gate they were let in. As much as it was really amazing for him, he barely had time to recognize her help as he was fixated on chasing Hyejoo as much as he could. He ran towards the atrium of the very airport, carefully dodging a good amount of people walking to and fro while Gowon was left running after him.

He looked around the place, scanning each and every monitor above him in hopes of finding Hyejoo’s specific flight, and yet his eyes could not help but wander off towards the clock: 5:53. The realization that he barely had any time left seeped the minimal hope he had left within him.

“Follow me, it’s not a commercial flight,” Gowon said once she caught up and then passed him, headed towards the passenger assistance panel. With a sudden realization, Sang-hoon shook off from his temporary stupor and darted after Gowon. The pair eventually reached the panel and she was quick to speak to the person in charge.

“Good evening, ma’am, but please excuse us. We’re chasing a chartered flight scheduled to London, leaving in 6 PM tonight. Is it still here?”

“Chartered flight ma’am…?” the teller answered while she scanned towards the list of flights she had on screen. Every second passing that the attendance officer checked on her desk felt so nerve-wracking especially for him. It felt like every passing second was another lost chance to him…

“I’m sorry, but the flight you’re looking for had already departed five minutes ago. It went ahead of schedule. I’m sorry.”

“N-no… umm….thank you,” Gowon was as equally as pale as he was, yet she felt the tension he had with him. Choi Sang-hoon froze the moment his eyes fixated on the panel blinking overhead, devastated and had no idea what else to do with what he just heard.

That moment, the busy airport, the assistance desk, and even Gowon dissolved into silent noise. He felt nothing but the dread of his failure, of the entire weight of the loss causing his entire being and confidence to shatter. All of his misdeeds with Hyejoo seemed to flash on him that moment, increasing the dread brought by his defeat.

Even if he was a sliver of a time earlier, he would not have made it anyway as it was already doomed from the very beginning. The echo of missing someone just by a little bit of time stung him deeper than it should have. The first time he lost someone because of a late chase was when Olivia died, and now he had to endure the same thing with Hyejoo. It felt like an evil consequence for having to push Hyejoo too much into Olivia Hye.

“Sang-hoon … I’m sorry,” Gowon’s voice softly echoed as the smaller girl moved closer to him. He did not even realize that he turned away from the counter and faced the rest of the atrium in a dead gaze. “I’m sorry… I should have told you sooner… you might have gotten the chance…”

Even her apologies were left in a dead plea as she dissolved into her own soft sobs. He was not angry at Gowon by any means. Even if she had hesitated to tell him, in the end Gowon still chose to help him out. It was never her fault to him because she easily could have just shut up and he would never have even known of this plan in the first place. He merely supplied Gowon’s crying figure with a cold smile before turning his back against her, his feet pointed towards the entrance of which they previously entered from.

Gowon could only bring her head down as she watched the devastated figure of Choi Sang-hoon drag himself out of the airport. Once he was out, he continued on walking the same direction aimlessly, still quite engrossed on his disappointments and heft of the failure he had wrought with himself. His feet lead him away from the glassy exterior of the gate, past the road filled with unloading vehicles, and onto the other, park-like area that held a distant view of the runway.

A single tear began to tread down his cheek the moment he felt the grassy landscape graze under his shoes, fixating his eyes on the far horizon where he could see planes departing and heading off into the dark and cloudy skies above, wondering if Hyejoo was in one of those planes he saw fly off. Gowon followed suit, settling on the curb while keeping a sad sob dedicated for his defeat.

Sang-hoon’s legs wobbled as he lost all sense of strength to even stand up. He fell down on his knees with his eyes still fixated on the distance ahead.

It was over.

He lost his chance and it was beginning to hurt him.

There were no chances left.

He lost Hyejoo forever.

Sang-hoon kept his knees on the ground as the rest of his body fell frozen and limp with the weakening flurry of emotions, mind still lingering in limbo just as the weight of the situation began to push on him harder against the ground. A flood of tears trailed down from the corner of his eye down to his cheeks and onto the ground and yet he remained unfazed. It was more of a combination of shock and helplessness that he had with him, add the feeling of uncertainty as well as loss of purpose.

As much as the outside of the night-shrouded wide ‘park’ had that combined scent of industry as well as grass mixed with it, the hairs on the back of his neck raised momentarily when he inhaled the smell of a familiar flowery scent just as he felt the progression of steps head towards his direction. At first he thought that it was Gowon; being the person he knew was there with him. It would make sense for her to reach out and ask if he was okay. He was so sure that he didn’t even mind looking back at her for it.

However, he felt a strange sensation akin to a goose bump when the back of his head was caressed by an even more familiar touch. The coldness of the outdoor strip only emphasized the warmth of the touch; it was like home. It was strong enough to have shaken him off of his dreaming and seemingly restored all the strength he had lost mere moments ago.

A shiver went through his entire body just as he regained the courage and strength to finally stand out and face the person that held him…

Son Hyejoo stood beside his rather distraught figure with an air of warmth in her, rivalling the touch she did on Sang-hoon’s head. The contrast of her black leather jacket over a white dress seemed ever so perfect for his immediate predicament then and there, especially so since she looked like an angel that saved him from his absolute desperation. Hyejoo’s prominent and sharp facial features supplied a hearty smile towards the man opposite her, seemingly like a phantom giving him an expression he certainly was not expecting from her.

“Hyejoo… omo… it’s you!” he said, still quite in disbelief. His hands settled on holding her own, quite working his sensations on believing what he was just seeing. “Hyejoo… is this true…? Is this really you? You… you came back?”

Hyejoo nodded in clear attempt to suppress her weeping as she held on Sang-hoon while in turn wiping his face off of his tears.

“I… I never wanted to leave… I booked everything and decided on impulse… I was so ready … I was so ready to let go and then… I can’t put my heart onto it. It felt wrong just to leave you like this… and I came back… I came back for you.”

“You… you chose to stay even if… even with everything I did…?”

Hyejoo nodded once more, and the moment she felt tears streaming down her eyes, she launched herself over Choi Sang-hoon and gave him a tight embrace.

“You have no idea how hard that week was after we’ve fought… I wanted to talk to you the moment that I got mad, but I just can’t bring myself to… after all the anger I threw at you, I felt ashamed of what I did… I never should have disgraced your memory of Olivia, Sang-hoon … I know that she means a lot to you, otherwise you would not have seen her in me.”

“But Hyejoo… you… you had every right to get angry at me… I used you as a proxy for her… I saw her instead of you… I made a huge mistake…”

“Sang-hoon,” Hyejoo continued as she moved to hold his face. “It felt wrong to leave… If I took that flight, I would be coming back as soon as I could…”

“Hyejoo…”

“It never felt right… I knew that when I wanted to leave, it would not be the right choice knowing what my heart was truly telling me to do. My heart belongs with you, my Sang-hoon, and so even if I was so close to boarding I decided against it. I came back because I wanted to be with you. I came back because I choose to be with you.”

“But… but Olivia... Hyejoo, what about what I did…?”

Hyejoo shook her head as she, too, began to be flooded with tears as well.

“I don’t care anymore… even if you see Olivia in me, or see me as Hyejoo… I don’t care anymore. My heart speaks for you… We were always meant to see each other no matter what… If this was fated… if this entire encounter was done because of Olivia Hye, then at least I can thank her for letting me meet you. I’ll have to thank her that I was the one she chose to take care of you… I love you, Choi Sang-hoon. I wish that I went to your apartment the first chance I did.”

“Yah… you even sent Gowon … I could already feel that something was wrong… don’t get mad at her; this entire airport scene would not even be possible if it weren’t for her help,” he added. “She kind of broke down and told me of your plans, and so that brought us here.”

“I counted on her… I was so confused with what I was feeling that I left everything to chance; that everything would eventually line up if we were really meant for each other and thankfully they did… Whatever things you said to Gowon, whatever things you said to move her feelings tell my entire escape to you… I guess it’s all meant for us to see each other here.”

With that, Sang-hoon could not help but smile. It certainly felt like a very one chance, like a single point in time where everything needed to line up for it to work and thankfully it did. Hyejoo came back, and now he knew what he had to tell her after weeks of thinking about it.

“Hyejoo… I have been thinking about this for the longest time… thank you. Thank you for coming back and I’m sorry for the things I did during the past. I know what my heart is telling me as well. I thought I was staying because of Olivia, but I realized that I wanted to save the relationship we had because I saw who you truly were. I guess you could say that… that I fell for you harder when… when I realized the fear of losing you for good. I lost Oli before; I’m not losing you too…

“I love you. I love you, Son Hyejoo. I love you with all of my heart!”

The statement from Sang-hoon earned a slight blush from Hyejoo’s end, although she was already sure that her heart was fluttering for the man standing in front of her, and not for anyone else. She felt it too; the intense sensation of her heart being at home and feeling comfort when he’s nearer… it felt like the perfect place to be with on that time. Neither of them if they were causing a scene in front of the approaching airport-goes; the moment was years, even decades in the making that they just need to savour the moment while it lasted. Both he and Hyejoo could feel the flashes and cameras coming from the patrons taking a picture of them as they embraced in the middle of the grass. The intimacy provided touching warmth towards each other, probably even echoed to the tens of people who bear witness to their reconciliation. Even Gowon herself could not help but join in, all while keeping her tears to herself knowing how much it took for both of them to get to that point.

It was beautiful and well-earned indeed. Sang-hoon and Hyejoo were the moment and he never could have wished for a better conclusion than that.

“You know that we have a lot of cameras pointed at our way, right?” Hyejoo added once they broke off of the embrace as well transferring her gaze towards the small crowd watching them from the other side of the street, with Gowon even joining in the mix from the nearby curb. “People are going to know of our face now, snuggling at the airport in front of everyone else. What a way to be known, you know.”

“I’m more worried about Gowon standing there while we’re doing this, actually,” he replied, earning a chuckle from Hyejoo. “You owe her a lot, Hyejoo; actually we both do. She was the one that made this entire thing possible, if not the single cause why we met each other here at the airport. We need to treat her dinner for tonight, at least.”

Hyejoo nodded and smiled towards him, still keeping his hands anchored with hers.

“We have all the time in the world. I promise I’ll thank her for you. I love you~”

And before the young man could even reply to Hyejoo’s display of her affection, he felt her lips onto his as she invited her into an intimate lip-lock. All sense of shame and embarrassment were shaken off as he joined with Hyejoo, kissing and hugging her amidst the public while they both basked on the applause, squeals, gasps and camera flashes like a pair of celebrities, with Gowon joining in the camera to document a seemingly historical moment for them both. All was well for both Son Hyejoo and Choi Sang-hoon as they welcome the start of their new life together.

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---EPILOGUE---

The sun rose bright on a warm Sunday morning; its rays illuminating the beautiful face of Son Hyejoo as she sat waiting for her friend, Park Gowon, to join her at the table. Despite being an average weekend void of any sort of academic requirements, it felt ever so special for her. It was akin those days after a huge typhoon; just so full of comfort and warmth. Then again, it might as well have been. Four days has passed since the closure at the airport and Hyejoo was still picking up her new life as Choi Sang-hoon’s girlfriend once again.

Even if they had been dating before, with everything that happened they felt more like a new couple more than anything else.

“Sorry that took longer than usual. The restroom has a queue, surprisingly, and even in this time of the day,” Park Gowon greeted Hyejoo the moment she came back from her soft break, wiping her hands on the sides of her jeans.

Gowon continued on and sat opposite Hyejoo, her face equally illuminated by the bright light coming from the glass beside them. She did not seem to mind or flinch at the contact of light on her face; to Hyejoo, she even appeared to be glowing amidst the bright morning daylight.

“I hope you don’t mind the seat I chose. I felt so cold for a long time I just wanted to find something bright and a bit warm,” Hyejoo informed before passing the cup to her. “Here’s your order. Like I promised, it’s on me because I dragged you all over here.”

“Omo, thank you for this… but you know, I would not have minded if I paid for it. It’s not like you owe me a drink for that matter.”

“I think that that’s not even enough for everything you did for me and Sang-hoon, Gowon-ah. You did so much for us and I have caused too much trouble for your worth, so please allow me to repay you even in this manner; that goes to say that this won’t be the last that I’d be treating you as well.”

“Yah… I did that because you’re my friend; but I do appreciate that you think highly of me… I am very much grateful. I would have been okay as-is seeing that everything worked out the way that they did. I’m happy for you and Sang-hoon, Hyejoo-ah. I can’t believe that I used to speak ill about him and now, here we are; I’m just so happy how you two ended up because it you two went through a lot.

“I must admit, though, that I’m quite surprised that you came back all of a sudden. I honestly thought that you had your mind decided when you left, especially with how everything was set-up. It really never occurred to me that you’d even ditch your flight just to get to him. What made you stay? What made you change your mind?”

“You know, I was so close to the flight. All it would take was for me to head out of the airport’s doors and walk up the plane and everything would be over, but then everything felt so wrong. During his absence from the school and after my anger had subsided even by a bit, I tried to calm myself up and try to find answer to the questions I head soaring in my head. I wanted to know what made me so similar to Olivia Hye and whether if there was a real reason that we’re connected. I… I found an answer, Gowon. I discovered something during my investigation, and ever since then I began to doubt if leaving Sang-hoon was the best course of action now with that knowledge in my head.”

“Whoa… it must be really strong then. If it was enough that it alone caused you to not continue with everything, then it must be really significant.”

“I suppose so… the thought never left my mind after that discovery. Now that it was fate aligning everything for me and Sang-hoon, it feels like going against what was destined. It’s like a crime against nature.”

“’Destiny’… wait, what exactly did you discover, Hyejoo-ah?”

Hyejoo paused in front of her friend as she eyed the cup of drink she ordered, sighed and then moved to close her eyes. Her silky touch then went off towards Gowon’s hands on the other side of the table, feeling the cold touch of her best friend on her own.

“Gowonah… I’m going to tell you a secret that I haven’t told anyone just yet, not even him… so please promise me for now that you’d keep it until the time is right. Can you do that for me?”

Gowon was obviously taken aback at the sudden development, even more so surprised with Hyejoo’s touch. The contact only emphasized how heavy the revelation felt, quite accentuated by Hyejoo’s own cold and stern gaze. It took her a couple of seconds to gather herself again and get in the same page as Hyejoo before nodding in agreement.

“I figured that… I figured that I wanted you to know of this first because of all the crap I pushed you through… it just felt right that you should know, before everyone else does in the long run. I’ll tell you of the reason why I came back…”

Once again, Gowon supplied her friend with a curt nod.

“Okay,” Hyejoo began as she repositioned herself on the chair. “You know that while I had Olivia Hye’s diary within my possession, I did well and read some of the entries she wrote there, particularly focusing on the ones that were ‘significant’ before she died. Those were the entries that piqued my interest, thinking somewhere beyond those diary entries that there might be a hidden answer; a link that connected me to her in some way. After learning the truth of her existence, I took pictures of her ‘significant’ entries in hopes of showing it to Sang-hoon once I confront him, but it went to waste because I just went verbal with him in my anger. Those pictures were actually useful while I tried to learn more of Olivia Hye by my own.

“That was when I discovered that Olivia Hye died on the same year that I was saved; that she died around the same time that I was granted my second life by the person who saved me.”

“Omo,” Gowon’s eyes widened in shock, covering her surprised mouth with a hand. “Omo, so is that what you discovered, Hyejoo? Did you finally have the answer…?”

Hyejoo fell silent.

“Hyejoo-ah, so are you actually Olivia Hye?”

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“No,” she answered curtly. “I’m not Olivia Hye, Gowonah. I don’t even know how that is possible, but somehow I had the exact same face with someone that I have no real relation to. It just so happened that both this Olivia Hye person and I looked exactly alike, but we’re two completely different people. It’s hard to believe but it’s the truth.”

“Huh…?” Gowon supplied her with a confused look. “Wait, so you’re actually not? You’re telling me that you discovered that you’re NOT Olivia Hye…?”

Hyejoo nodded.

“I’m not Olivia Hye.”

“Well then… if that’s the case, why come back? I thought that was the entire reason why you came back to him; that it felt like a ‘crime against nature’ to not even go back to him? So why head back if you’re not actually the person he was dating before? What made you come back in an instant?”

Once again, Hyejoo sighed.

“I may not be the same person that Sang-hoon loved growing up… I may not be the girl named Olivia Hye but that does not mean I’m not connected to him in any way, because in a complicated way I actually am…”

“Huh…?”

“Gowonah, do you remember the story I told you back then, of how I almost died years ago… I haven’t told you anything in detail about that, right? I just told you that… that this entire life was a second chance because I was saved by someone… do you still remember that story?”

Gowon nodded, yet still she was not sure where the conversation was heading.

“Was Sang-hoon the person who saved you?”

However, instead of giving Gowon an answer for the floating question, Son Hyejoo began to shift herself on her chair once again, sitting as straight as she could to show her upper body to Gowon as much as possible. Then, amidst the early sun’s rays, Hyejoo notably began unbuttoning the first batch of buttons on her collared shirt from her neck, each split showing more and more skin as well as the white bra she wore underneath.

“Y-yah, what are you doing?” a panicked Gowon scolded from the other side of the table, quickly scanning the surroundings as well as the outdoor window for any passers-by. “Yah, are you seriously removing your top here, Hyejoo? You’re going to be seen by a lot of people!”

“Relax, I’m not going to remove all of it off… just until here,” she said once her unbuttoning reached the second button below her bust. “It’s not like I’m just casually undressing here out in the open. I mean, I chose this time of the day, and this particular seat within this shop that we cannot be seen by chance. Here, look.”

Hyejoo grasped both the hem of her unbuttoned shirt and gently tugged them open, effectively showing Gowon her breasts behind her white bra, including a small portion of her midriff.

“Y-yah, what am I supposed to be looking at?” Gowon answered with quite a blush, and yet she immediately paused once she noticed something different with Hyejoo’s chest. She inched her face closer and eyed her bust carefully, thinking it was just a deep cleavage in result of Hyejoo’s rather sizable breasts, but then it was not.

A huge scar lined down Hyejoo’s torso starting from the middle of her sternum and finishing just above her stomach. It was not easy to spot at first glance, yet Gowon was sure that it was definitely a scar.

“That’s… that’s a scar, right Hyejoo? Is that a scar from…Is that a scar from a surgery?”

Hyejoo nodded in affirmation before proceeding to re-button her shirt once again.

“Growing up, I always endured chest pains as a result of having a relatively weaker heart, which is the reason why I never did anything strenuous during my youth. I thought I could keep myself like that until I grow old, that I could keep myself doing as minimal work as I could, living with small work as I could. However, years ago my frail heart finally showed fatal signs and I had to be taken in because I was in such a huge risk. The complications were so severe that it almost caused my body to give up, and the only solution they found was if someone were to donate me a heart that was compatible with my body. Like a miracle, the doctors found a perfect donor; they found a heart that felt so compatible with me that they called it ‘the heart I should have had in the first place’. That was the moment that I was given a second life by someone I had no clue of.

“I always wanted to know the identity of my saviour, so then I can thank them for giving me this second chance at life. However, confidentiality was always there, so I gave up on the search for a bit… until recently I got to connect the dots that made me curious of their identity once again. I know I can’t do this alone, so I asked my father to use his connections with the medical field to find out what I wanted to find out, just so I can finally bring peace to myself and learn the name I yearned for years... It was very difficult to do so, and dad had to jump on a lot of ropes just to get the answer he was looking for, especially more so that even that even the donor’s family kept the secret to themselves and the doctors… I don’t even know how he found out because he never wanted to specify the details, but he eventually did…

“Gowonnah, I finally learned of the name of my donor…

“The owner of this heart was a girl named Olivia Hye.”

---END---

#loona #loona hyeju #olivia hye #fanfic #kpop story #park gowon #son hyeju #loona hyejoo #kpop smut #kpop #undying love #male reader

[teatitty]

Hold on I have meta I want to do about Aizawa's choice of alcoholic beverage when he's with Hizashi [gin tonic] versus when he's meeting with Yagi [strong beer] and how that correlates to his comfort levels

So let's just give some background first and compare this to Hizashi: in the Drama CD, Aizawa meets up with Hizashi in a private room believing this to be a "just the two of us" situation and, after asking Hizashi what he's drinking [a strong beer], he orders them both food and drink. He gets Hizashi another beer but orders himself a gin tonic and gin tonics are drinks that you can make as heavy or light as you wish, depending how much gin you put in in relation to the tonic water

Unfortunately we're not told how strong he takes this drink, but we can assume he had it fairly light considering the scene I'm about to get into and the fact that this was just a simple out of work meetup [it was actually a ploy to get to him to talk to All Might more but we're not here for that]

In his second drinking scene, however, we have to go to the light novel,s wherein Aizawa is the one to plan the outing. We know he's drinking strong beer throughout the night here because of the official illustration in that chapter, and we also know he and Yagi haven't been sat together for very long before Hizashi calls Aizawa's phone, finds out where they are, and joins them - at which point Yagi infamously points out that Aizawa immediately relaxes upon seeing his husband friend

We also know from this LN that not only was Aizawa quite drunk from the start of that scene, thanks to Hizashi's private talk with Yagi in the bathrooms, but that Hizashi seemingly has the highest alcoholic tolerance of the teacher faculty, since he not only survived one of Nemuri's deadly cocktails [it only took him out for about a minute at most and in the Drama CD there's implications he didn't actually pass out drunk but was simply feigning sleep] but he's also been drinking beer with everyone else and yet is still sober enough to have a fully coherent convo with Yagi in which he tells him about everyone else's drinking habits

So we know from these two scenes that Hizashi likes to drink strong beer, but is known to drink other beverages since Aizawa asks him in the CD about his drink of choice before ordering for him. What these scenes also tell us, however, is this: Aizawa's preferred drink is a gin tonic. He only touches beer when he's meeting with All Might privately, and since we can assume he showed up first, we can also assume he was drinking prior to Yagi's arrival, and given that Hizashi tells us he was already drunk during that first threeway conversation they have, it's easy to guess that he was drinking beer specifically to get himself drunk enough to make it through what he wanted to say to Yagi

Compare this to when he ordered himself the gin tonic [and a shitton of food] when he was in a much more relaxed setting with only himself and Hizashi, and the little meta I'm getting at becomes really simple! Aizawa's drink of choice when he's relaxed and with friends is a gin tonic, because you can control the strength of the drink to be as weak as you desire, but when he's dealing with what is - to him - an unpleasant social interaction, he chooses strong beer to give himself drunk courage so he doesn't just up and rudely leave [which he tried to do in the CD before Hizashi stopped him lol]

Which to me is just a really cute character trait and hella fucking relatable. I, too, would prefer to get drunk when dealing with unpleasant social interactions than go through the whole thing sober if I could

#bnha #aizawa shouta #meta post #have no clue if anyone else will care about this sort of thing #but I love examining the drink choices of my faves #for those curious: all might doesn't drink alcohol at all he's stone cold sober lol

[lesboygamzee]

ACT ONE - PART ONE

in reading homestuck again im going to try my best to analyse it to my fullest potential ; while i definitely like to enjoy homestuck Casually i think that doesnt necessarily mean i need to abandon fullblown analysis . i can acknowledge Hard Canon and The Implications in the same way i can acknowledge silly stuff + how im usually going to write characters . something something you have to know the rules to break them . thisll be half rambling half ( poor ) attempts at analysis and a bit of me going Hehe joke funny also i will use the characterses canon names and pronouns for simplicity + i feel its most suited . the exception is tavros because i have tried to not she/her tavros before and it was difficult and Painful i would never do that to her ... anyway .

[…] My intent was always to make the start date a very significant number in the story, recurring frequently. Consequently, I decided to make him thirteen years old, thus making the story about four thirteen-year-old kids. There are more references to this number than can be mentioned casually, some of which are serendipitous. Playing cards, which have a good deal of relevance later, are comprised of four suits of thirteen cards each, for instance.

(page 1 author commentary)

i wont point out every case of 413 occurring but i will point out cases i find particularly interesting or fun :o) the suit of cards thing isnt something i picked up on at first but thats interesting to know ! on page two john is incorrectly named ' zoosmell pooplord ' . zoosmell being a reference to an older comic ( series of comics ? ) of hussies . i read it to see if theres anything of value i can find in there ; even in the silliest and least plot driven media you can find some sort of significance to an authors later work . maybe an idea , a character archetype , or just the plot structure . zoosmells holds no value at all and is stupid though so

im not sure if i talk about it much but i do really like how each main characterses room is in homestuck . not only are they typically really good at getting across a characters basic interests but early on with the beta kids they really sold the whole ' webcomic pretending to be a game ( that is actually a game pretending to be a webcomic ) ' thing . the simplicity of it all , the items of interest scattered around in sometimes nonsensical places , even shit like how the walls are drawn just gives the impression of a guy who you can walk around and play as . and you can ! eventually .

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes. What will you do?

(page 4) time for analysing interests . while characterses interests definitely dont mean NOTHING in the greater scheme of things theyre probably not as important as most other shit . i find them fun to look into , though :o3

really terrible movies - i need to actually watch these , and i plan to ! im not much of a movie guy unfortunately . i dont think theyll be the end all be all of john analysis but i doubt theyll hold NO value . apparently theyre quite shit but i willing watch the big bang theory so i think ill be fine programming computers - john is the ' player character ' in a story that is currently quite programming-joke-heavy . the fact that hes kind of dogshit at it adds to this . guy doesnt know what hes doing yet and neither do you ! simple enough . paranormal lore - johns interest in ghosts is relatively significant but id consider it more ' iconic ' . the guy likes ghostbusters , his tshirt is a knockoff slimer , etc. i think all of the kids have one of these . it doesnt matter much in the greater scheme of things but i think its cool to see what interest a character is sort of built off of even if it gets overshadowed by other shit quickly ameteur magician - im a little lost on this one honestly . it can kind of go hand in hand with pranks i guess ? maybe theres something worth looking into with regards to characters and their relationship with magic . john seems to specifically focus on magic tricks which is opposed to roses interest in Real Fucking Magic . probably not though thats stupid

on page six is a rare appearence of the cursor . its a remnant from the homestuck beta where every panel was going to be a flash panel . it was ditched for good reason

its also one of the most blatant parts of the video game feel of early homestuck . thats a reader input interacting with a fictional world ! thats all there really is to say on it though i just thought it was neat

biggest plot twist in fucking history

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

(page 9)

i love sylladexes . johns is obviously based off a stack data structure . john rose and dave all have data structure inspsired moduses which i appreciate but i kind of like the silly ones that come into play later on too !!! like all of jades . unfortunate that they get dropped almost entirely eventually :o(

i should give characters that dont get one them . theyre pretty awesome i think

John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.

PROBLEM SLEUTH MENTION !!!!!!!!!!!

John: Read note on drawer. This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

(page 12)

i made a seperate post awhile back on how dadbert is a sort of symbol of masculinity of fatherhood of manhood etc etc and more specifically how this interacts with reading jeggbert as transfem or otherwise Not A Dude . i still think that holds some decent value

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful. John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

(page 15)

snrk . anyway , since it reminded me : regarding analysis that strongly take timelines into consideration when i look at a lot of homestuck character analysis i see a lot of people try and make a point of ' oh the homestuck characters dont actually HAVE these specific character traits because in ANOTHER TIMELINE they did so and so ' and while i get that , timelines are interesting as a concept and its fun to think about , it doesnt exactly have a place in character analysis . homestuck is ultimately a story and the characters are less like people and moreso tools to tell that story . this is simple shit i am well aware i am not acting like what i am saying is revolutionary but it does lead to people losing the plot a little ( literally lol ) but like .. character a doing something instead of character b or character c sparing character d or whatever blah blah blah . did these all happen ? yeah sure probably . hell you can explore that in an au and ill probably go ' woah , cool ! ' because again its fun to think about . but it doesnt matter .. homestuck tells a story and while it focuses on multiple timelines . just because john took a shit on his desk in one timeline doesnt mean i need to be factoring in ' probably took a shit on his desk at least once ' to how i write him as a character . he would not fucking do that because he does not do that in homestuck . go and write your shit-on-desk-taker!john au but it has no place in canon analysis and you dont really need to think about it all that much

typheus is a wind god etc etc basic observation . i would really like to read more on the denizens and what gods theyre inspired by but the sources i find are really long and hard to parse .. ill have to look at other peopleses analysis if i want to understand anything i will be honest

on page 25 is the first pesterlog to appear in homestuck , between john and some loser nobody cares about . in a post i unfortunately dont have the link to , said loser is compared to a sort of tutorial character for early homestuck , similarly to johns status as the player character . obviously as homestuck goes on more characters become ' playable ' , as in you see the story through their perspective . but its a pretty neat observation for the early comic !

TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it TG: did you get the beta yet EB: no. EB: did you? TG: man i got two copies already [...] TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now EB: alright.

(page 26)

^ classic tutorial conversation . go do your objective !!! your first quest !!!!

[...] The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

(page 28)

FACT CHECK : this is false === SHITTY ASCII 'BANNER' THAT OF WE ARE DONE HERE ===

anyway it is day two of me working on twenty eight fucking pages and it just hit midnight which means i am going to play miitopia . this is likely going to be one of the shorter posts but i hope i get less rambly as i go on so i can read more than an average of fourteen pages a day jesus fucking christ . Anyway

#homestuck #gamzreread

[hellishgayliath]

Pico Facts

⦁ He/him ⦁ Likes to garden ⦁ Doesn't know how to read ⦁ Not tech savvy ⦁ Knows they have Donnie's robots to help run the place and do a lot of the heavy lifting, but Pico would rather do the manual labor himself instead of relying on tech to do everything for him ⦁ They and Todd start a support dog service at the sanctuary to help yokai and mutants after the events of the movie ⦁ Just like Todd, he's stingy when it comes to sharing food, touch his food and you might lose a finger ⦁ Todd's too nice to harbor any ill will towards anybody so Pico's the one who does it for him instead ⦁ Dislikes Mikey the most becuz he ditched Todd to hang with meat sweats, Mikey is shocked and tries to get on their good side but it's not that easy ⦁ Mikey had also almost started a forest fire once with his kusari fundo when he was trying to show off his mad skills and that definitely didn't sit well with Pico ⦁ Tolerates Donnie cuz he's the one that regularly comes by to do maintenance checks on the park: emphasis on tolerate

• Doesn't know how he fully feels about Leo yet, but he knows he just has an annoying sense of air to him ⦁ Out of all of the turtles, he likes Raphael the most ⦁ He and Raph consider themselves both protectors of their family and being the bigger brother ⦁ You can only pet him if you have their permission ⦁ Can communicate with other animals (is it a curse or blessing tho) ⦁ Helps Casey Jr get an emotional support dog ⦁ Still has his regular opossum family of his mother and little siblings (8) ⦁ Donnie points out to him that because Pico's a mutant, will probably have a longer lifespan and will most likely outlive his opossum family since opossums have a life expectancy of 2-3 years. Pico is mortified ⦁ Misses the feeling of being able to hang on his mother's back before he was mutated ⦁ Immune to venom ⦁ Good climber ⦁ If you scare him he'll freeze up and fall over just like how a opossum plays dead, just imagine those goats that do that too

Him and Todd try to be peace keepers whenever his uncles Warren n Hypno and the turtles are around together because they did help jumpstart the invasion even if they didn't understand the full implications of their actions at the time

Gets kraangified early on in the invasion; its a sore topic for future Todd to bring up, f!leo is the one that had to put him down

When he gets infected, he keeps it to himself and leaves whatever base they're taking refuge in when everyone's sleeping, while also leaving behind his golden ring necklace by Todd's bedside

Becomes a laid back but responsible scout leader and takes over the sanctuary in the good future timeline

Loves the smell of cinnamon and raspberries

Likes peanut butter

Likes chin scratches

Only Todd is allowed to pet his head

Hates poachers

Got his right ear caught in a beartrap pre mutation, Todd took him in and tended to his wound (which is why it's nicked like that)

Falls out of a tree immediately after he eats a oozesquito and mutates (the branch couldn't support his weight) and gains a head injury, so he goes to the only other being in the woods that he knows can help him, which is Todd

Relied on making pictures with paint until he was able to speak

Is clingy by his opossum nature

His ring necklace has his named engraved on it (twas a gift from Todd since he is technically a blacksmith)

His voice would be Dipper Pines from Gravity Falls

Deals with body dysmorphia/dysphoria

Birthday is March 10th

Mutation Day is October 17th

Friends with Sunita since Todd brings him with him to Hueso's regularly(since he's his favourite customer), their friendship also works because there's a lot about the human world that they don't know enough about and can experience and explore together (plus it just sounds super cute)

Also finds her super cool cuz she and April got to kick meatsweats' behind

Has beef with a raccoon stealing food from him in the past premutation and after mutation, raccoons and opossums supposedly have a sibling kind of relationship/rivalry

#rottmnt #rottmnt oc #my ocs #working on info dumps for my dudes #will add more if i think of anything else new #pico lore #pico opossum

[givehimthemedicine]

more thoughts on Hawkins Lab / memory alteration / NINA / the rainbow rooms / Kali / Henry / El / Terry

(of possible interest to laozuspo and aemiron-main bc of that other HNL post / possible implications for Henry. no pressure tho you guys are both way ahead of me on this investigation)

Owens implies that he developed the NINA program only since El's power loss in case she ever needed it restored, but I have very strong doubts.

how does Owens know that NINA could bring El's powers back stronger than before unless this technique has already been used? best-case-scenario, tested on someone during recent development to make sure it works for El, but worst-case and more probable scenario, used to psychologically manipulate or bring out powers in the lab kids, maybe even El herself, in the past. maybe even Terry Ives (Becky specifically mentioned Terry doing sensory deprivation tank experiments, which is a component of NINA).

HNL has need to alter potentially all the kids' memories, not just Henry

the lab wants all those kids uniform and tractable, so they'll make good little lab rats / spies / assassins, right?

the lab-born kids like El would be relatively easy to mold, because the lab is all they know. but what about Kali, Henry, and any other kids who were wild-caught old enough to remember their former lives? you'd think even remembering the fact that there IS a world outside the lab would make them harder to control. don't they need to be wiped of their memories of their past lives and stripped of individuality, identity?

you would probably also want to wipe any kid after sending them on psionic spying / assassination missions so they don't retain classified info or gain too much knowledge of the outside world, lest they become an escape risk.

I think there's a strong possibility that NINA or equivalent was already used throughout the HNL program for this purpose.

I don't know how you straight up delete memories, but it's easy to see how NINA could be used to plant fabricated replacement memories. add a dash of brainwashing and presto.

Kali tells a little of her life after the lab, but I don't remember her saying anything about before it. all our knowledge about her kidnapping comes from that newspaper clipping, right? do you think she remembers her former life?

Henry is the only other kid we know is wild-caught, and he still has his pre-lab memories, but maybe that doesn't matter in his case because he's uniquely kept in line with soteria.

Two - Eighteen have to be free to use their powers for experimentation, so the lab can't soteria them, they have to be controlled a different way. the most secure way to keep someone imprisoned isn't with strong locks, it's for them not to fully realize they are imprisoned or that escape is even an option. I doubt any of the kids like the lab, but they probably have a limited awareness that there is any other place.

Henry's pre-lab memories could also have been made safe for him to keep (tampered with). we know Virginia was in cahoots with Brenner before Henry even went to the lab, and I wouldn't put it past her to cooperate with the creation of staged footage of Henry's home life to NINA him with. possibly even Alice, unwittingly. not Victor.

now let's talk about the rainbow room(s)

Kali and El both refer to a "rainbow room" in season 2, but the room we see in Terry's memories bears basically no resemblance to the season 4 one.

the areas Terry is seen searching look reasonably like a 70's hospital, and the rainbow room looks like be a small exam-room type area. but season 4's rainbow room is big, with tiled halls, heavy metal doors, high security, the whole works.

these definitely can't be the same room, but I've always wondered whether we're supposed to just fudge it and consider them to be the same?

did the lab retool and get a high-security makeover after the Terry incident, or did both places exist the whole time?

I haven't scoured every frame of the show so tell me if I'm off, but I think I'm deciding that no, the two rainbow rooms aren't supposed to be the same, and that HNL has always had both a publicly presentable hospital area (where the s2 rainbow room is), and a more intense locked-down lab/prison area (where the s4 rainbow room is). they serve the same purpose, just with different security levels.

the lab isn't the mid-70's hospital area made-over because for one thing, they still have a hospital area when Will is a patient there in 1984. this doesn't look like Terry's exact hallway, but note those wood-veneer doors and square plated handles.

HNL has always been both a "hospital" and a prison.

from the path we see Hopper take in 1x5, it would appear that the tiled hallway familiar to us from s1, El's room, etc, is on the ground floor, just beyond a keycard security access point. we see him get in the elevator and go down to the water tank / mothergate floor. he later describes this to Joyce as "upstairs vs downstairs".

but the lab is at least a handful of stories tall. so I feel like the hospital area must be on the second floor or up.

we aren't shown the path that Terry Ives takes to locate her rainbow room, but we do see her come walking from the direction of what looks like elevators just before she finds it, opposite bright windows, which I'm taking to mean that the Terry rainbow room was on an upper floor. not on the same floor as the s4 rainbow room.

tangent: is the hospital where Sara died supposed to also be Hawkins Lab? I thought that was in New York? this looks like a different landing in the same stairwell. I'm confused about the Hopper lore because I think some of it comes from the novels I haven't read and idk whether we accept that as canon. please advise?

anyway, idea: were the lab kids not numbered, not officially program subjects, from birth?

little Kali and El have long hair and seem allowed to wear fairly normal clothes during their free time. the tattoos go on left wrists and I don't think I see one on baby El, not that we're given a very good look.

the lab kids seem to be roughly a year apart each, but they don't go all the way down to babies. the youngest (Eighteen)'s actor was probably 7 or 8 at the time of filming. so there is such a thing as a minimum age for the program.

It can't be that they didn't start numbering the kids until after the Terry memory, because we saw Henry get tattooed in '59 or '60, very possibly before Two was even born.

I'm now chewing on a scenario where maybe young prospective lab kids were kept in a lesser-security area to be evaluated, and officially made test subjects only once they demonstrated powers.

after all, Brenner took newborn El because he expected Terry's abilities to be passed down, but you can't ask a baby to do telekinesis for you. it'll be a while before you get proof. and the lab can't be handing out number tattoos too hastily and wasting resources on some kids for years only to find they show no promise.

we know that didn't happen because there are no numbers 001-018 unaccounted for. no failed discarded subjects.

if not all people have equal latent potential, you can't pick all winners from the getgo, and if you also don't discard any failed numbers, that means you'd have to evaluate a bunch of kids, keep the best for the program, and discard the others before they ever become numbers. and if you do that (without just killing them), you probably wanna wipe their memories first so they don't go around telling what you're up to. this avenue of thought may be of interest to Will-as-a-lab-kid truthers (doesn't this require Will to be missing from home for a chunk of his childhood? explain to me please).

a program intake system like this could help explain how all the kids can be numbered neatly in order of age despite the ages of wild-caught kids being impossible to anticipate, which has bothered me for a long time. edit: I may have misjudged Kali's age, although if any other kids were wild caught I guess the question still bears asking

I hc this memory to have occurred during that preliminary observation time, unless they just didn't start shaving heads until the mid 70's. electric shock seems overboard for standard kid misbehavior. Kali must have already demonstrated psychic potential in order to be kidnapped in the first place, so I imagine this was probably disciplinary action for refusing to use her powers for them.

now let's look at El's and Kali's memories:

what event is this describing? if Kali escaped before El, how was Kali the one who found El gone?

could this be when El disappeared from rainbow room 1 and taken to rainbow room 2? did Kali ever see rainbow room 2?

or was El just in sick bay or isolation or something, and Kali thought she was gone-gone?

Henry corroborates Kali's escape being prior to El's. this puts Kali's escape after - what, say 73? 74? but before 79.

El apparently has no memory of Kali except for the one she got from Terry. did El lose her Kali memories (along with pre-massacre memories in general) from the coma, or did the lab wipe/brainwash her after Kali's escape, not wanting her to remember her at all?

because it's funny that even during the scene where Henry is jogging El's memory about Terry's visit, that same Kali rainbow room footage all we see. I know the scene was about her remembering Terry, not Kali, but it makes me wonder if she remembered that scene by way of her 1986 knowledge, or if that's also all 1979 El remembered about Kali?

El is struggling with the cognitive dissonance here - she insists that Mama died making her, even though she also does successfully recall the memory Henry is describing, and it upsets her. again, I imagine NINA is a lot better at restoring or implanting memories than at deleting them, so you'd have to rely heavily on old fashioned brainwashing to try to cover up an event like this. until Henry brought it up in 1979, El probably believed she had imagined it.

WHY does Kali pause like that before calling the Terry/rainbow room footage a "memory"? it makes me feel like she questions its veracity. either Kali was given different information about how kids enter the program, or she knows that isn't really how El's situation went down. or something. I'm suspicious of ALL lab related memories, even from the good guys.

flies in my ointment:

if Kali finding El gone is describing a time when El was taken out of my theoretical observation area and locked fully into the program, before Kali, you'd think she would have a lower number

if Kali escaped the observation area before she ever made it into the program proper, how was she already known as Eight? unless they were all numbered unofficially before that and just not tattooed yet, and if you gotta discard a kid you recycle their number

if you don't earn your number/tattoo/spot in the program until you're at least something years old, I wonder if El wasn't called Eleven as a toddler? Kali asks her name, she says Jane, and then Kali checks her wrist for the tattoo. I can't actually recall any proof that Kali remembers El as Eleven.

spinning my propeller hat and honking my clown nose:

HNL has high security and Terry already shot a guy on her way in. she had to have already had some idea of where to look in order to find El before the guards got to her. somebody told her where. hint: Henry somehow

did Henry lie and tell Kali that El was gone to prompt Kali's escape?

did Henry think he was telling the truth when he told Kali that El was gone, but really Brenner fed him that?

Kali seems less empathetic than El, do you think Henry would've had a similar alliance with her? why would he choose her to help escape. or did she not need help escaping?

why don't these people just ask each other the most obvious questions in the world AAAAAAHHH

#analysis #hawkins lab #mine #givehimthemedicine analysis #kali prasad #I ran out of brain in the middle of this post but you get my point

[wakeupthemembersofbylernation]

So… on one hand, two minutes out of ~4 hours is not much. Like there’s SO MUCH they didn’t show in the trailer, so to anyone losing hope about Byler or about Mike or Will getting Vecnaed, I wouldn’t do so just yet. Always remember that Noah Schnapp said, “They’re building that up, so definitely ship that,” and I find it hard to believe he’d say that just for nothing to happen. He wouldn’t be so giddy talking about Byler and liking Byler edits on TikTok at every chance he gets. There is still the painting, which narratively speaking must be revealed at some point, as it is Checkov’s Gun.

That being said, hmmm… I know it’s probably not evidence for anything but it’s so interesting to me that there IS a Byler scene in the trailer (even if it doesn’t seem like the one we were hoping for) but not even a hint or a glance at the Melvin reunion, despite the fact that we know it’s coming. So even if there are only two seconds of Byler in a non-romantic context, why would the marketing be non-existent for the supposedly biggest ship of the show… unless?

But yeah, the cabin scene is somewhat concerning for Byler. On the one hand, it seems to be directly a parallel to Season 2 in the way they are sitting and the way Will is confiding in Mike. On the other hand, it’s in a definitively supernatural/Vecna related context not in a romantic heart-to-heart context like we’d hoped for. But also, we were only shown like two seconds from the scene! We could be taking it out of context! Or there can also be more to the scene. Like what if a confession of sorts happens ~because~ everyone’s in danger supernaturally. Also, when will the painting be revealed?! It has to be at some point, and we know it has romantic implications based on El’s letter.

There’s HEAVY Empire Strikes Back parallels in this trailer, and I know people have already mentioned it, but that makes El the Luke of this story and Mike and Will potentially the Han and Leia of this story. Han and Leia get closer romantically during ESB, but then it ends on a cliffhanger when Han is turned into carbonite… so what if Mike gets taken to the Upside Down at the end of the Season? I know that’s a huge stretch. I do have a bad feeling about this as a whole and feel like the season is gonna end in tragedy just like Empire Strikes Back. I’m very scared for Robin. And I feel like Mike’s a ticking time bomb with all the eerie foreshadowing. And also…

How does Will know about Vecna’s plans? Has he already met Vec before? He sounds thoroughly confident, not like he’s guessing. It seems very similar to how he knew about the Mind Flayer’s plans when he was possessed in Season 2? I hope that means Will is getting his main character arc back and maybe getting powers? If Will is the Leia of this story, he would have powers just like the Luke of the story. Or maybe it’s related to him touching his neck and his increased sensitivity to the Upside Down? Or maybe he’s already been Vecnaed? I hope it doesn’t give credence to the theories that say Will will become evil or become a host for Vecna? He also looks somewhat eerie/evil in the clip, but maybe that’s just the lighting. Especially considering all of the eerie parallels to Vecna. I want Will to get powers, but not like this…

There is of course the nightmare scenario that Noah and Millie’s infamous interview was actually true, and there is no coming out scene, and they still leave everything completely “up to interpretation.” The Jonathan scene could still be a coming-out scene, but who knows? I know we’d mostly stopped fearing this after all the positive Byler calendar stuff, and I really don’t believe they’d do that to us after all of this promotion, but it’s still a nightmare Vecna scenario…

BUT there’s still Mike’s monologue. There’s still almost four hours of content. Mike WAS acting weird for a reason. There’s still Noah’s saddest scene. There’s still more people to get Vec’d. The Upside Down was frozen when Will went through for a reason. There’s still the Melvin reunion, which can go in so many different ways. And I still wanna know why Noah used the 🍆 to describe the season 💀

#byler #stranger things 4 #mike wheeler i know what you are #byler endgame #will byers #noah schnapp #10 more days #if we’re all going delusional then we’ll go delusional together #finn wolfhard

[zv5x]

Solitaire : 3

Dano!Riddler • GN!Reader

Warnings : romantic plot devices , references to the yandere trope , delusional and toxic mindsets , stalking , obsessive behaviors , implications / unrequited love , reader's boyfriend is a poor partner , breaking and entering

Taglist : @ravendgie , @repostingmyfavs @fr0gi-b0y , @chl0rinewater , @ur-moms-used-tampon101

Table of contents

He was young, promising and talented, and then video of his brutal execution started showing up on the news. His killer promised you love that your lover couldn't give, protection from the world, and now it's time to act upon those promises. Edward prays you're foolish (or trusting) enough to leave your windows unlocked.

Your home is perfectly tranquil and quiet, the perfect atmosphere to hold such a gentle and fragile being such as yourself. Edward has always admired what he could see from the binoculars he would hold to his face as he tried to get a good look at your interior sanctuary, you as well of course. He couldn't help but long to be inside such a sacred place, but the thought alone made him shiver and almost cry with anticipation and nervousness.

The thought of actually entering your home rather than imaginatively placing himself inside of you would finally become his own reality, and he was practically jumping at that fact. Finally, after all this time, he'd be able to be near you again, without the threat of that vicious scumbag this time. His time spent with the muse of his hatred was now long over, and now his time with the muse of his world shall begin.

Edward considered this romantic, as he not only was about to enter the apartment room he'd soon share with his beloved dove, but also because of the fact that he was wearing the same getup he wore when he publicized the murder of your abuser. It was almost heart stopping how giddy his outfit made him. He finally had the opportunity to tell you how he truly felt, and his clothes meant to represent his own persona will do just that, along with showing you every part of him like you've never seen before. He would have never found the courage to express himself to you if not for the Riddler, and he had to thank that side of himself for that.

He was looking into your room with his binoculars so intently, breath hitting heavy against his mask as he intently listened and watched. You seemed to be, no, that couldn't be right. You seemed to be crying? Oh dear. That just won't do, Edward knew that for certian. He couldn't have his beloved cry alone. What kind of soulmate would he be if he refused to follow the red string to his lover, who was desperate for consoling? It was settled then, he'd make his way to her. Ducktape in his pocket just in case he startled you, he made his way to your window quicker than he would have otherwise. You needed him, and he'll be damned if you didn't get him.

Staring far too intently at the television, you barely noticed the window of your apartment room opening. Tears were steaming down your face, sobs coming in between gasps and choking sounds. Of course, the cries you were emmiting weren't very pretty, but how else could you have expressed the despair the news was showing you right now?

Your poor, beloved Chad. Defiled and ruined for everyone to see. This isn't the way one would desire to find out about their lover's death, but thankfully you were given a death notification before the news was even allowed to air this story. It was so confusing at first. A cop car is the last thing you'd expect to see pulling up to your driveway, and you'd especially not expect to see two men coming up to your door right after. It was with a heavy heart, they told you, that Chad is dead. Murdered in cold blood by a man they have yet to even identity. A man so vile, a man of no compassion for the people's pain. They spoke of him like you would a horror movie villian, shivering as they talked like there was nothing they could have done to stop him. And now, here he is, posing and pruning next to your boyfriend who was sobbing in fear. Egotistical he was, insane he was more so.

This man, sick and demented, loved you. So much so, that taping a man to a chair and feeding him to your rat collection was a realistic option. This is a man who cared not for the optics of his actions. He simply wanted you, and he more so wished to prove to you that the people in your life were no good. That all you needed was him.

"Chad put on a good mask for my darling (Y/N), but little do they know that every night their precious boyfriend parades around town with whatever bitch he can pick up. Cheap whores are all he can manage." He laughs. "It's almost like he knew (Y/N) was far too good for him."

More evidence, more photos. And, most hauntingly, a voice recording to top it all of.

C : All I want is you. I completely forgot about them, what was even their name again. Fuck, see? I don't love them. They're nothing to me but a sack of meat I can take my frustrations out on

? : Frustrations?

C : Frustrations that you're not in my bed right now, babe

You nearly dropped to your knees hearing those words. All your fears were being thrown at you with evidence that confirmed them, and you could barely muster the strength to move to shut it down. The Riddler was back on screen now, tilting his head and shaking the camera as he screamed and yelled.

"NOBODY is allowed to exploit them and get away with it. I'll make sure all of you are in graves by the morning if I must. I'd do FAR MORE FOR THEM THAN YOU ALL EVER WOULD." He stopped to giggle. Long and drawn out, it chilled you to your core. "But that's alright, you can try and bring them down all you wish but I think we all know at the end of the day who they will always belong to."

You knew you desired police protection then, but you craved it now. You begged them for at least some kind of listing into a witness protection program of any kind. Please God's almighty, just anything to save you from that mental case. You told them, begged them for that, word for word. Alas, they did not listen to your cries.

You were far from on Chad's side now, seeing him with all these various women. Women with smeared makeup, and dress straps falling off their shoulders as they lean on your once boyfriend for support. Your blood was boiling, but your heart was aching too. You wished the Riddler had recorded the rats eating him alive so you could revel in his screams, and yet you wished for him to record himself going back on his plan and letting him run free in a bright, sunny park instead. Conflicted feelings poked at your heart, deflating it and allowing the blood to pool at your feet.

Having heard far enough, you mindlessly went to turn the television off. The remote shook in your hand, so much so that you could barely even aim it correctly to turn this damn report off. When you finally heard that click, it was a blessing to your ears. You didn't need to hear your boyfriend's whimpering, that man's heavy breaths beating against the camera, or the news reporters mumbling lies of pity and sorrow to the camera. Your boyfriend's, or, more accurately, former boyfriend's death was now sensationalized, and you were now a fool to the nation. Not only did you fail to realize that your boyfriend was a cheating scumbag, but you also unknowingly planted the seeds that allowed a serial killer to sprout and thrive as an invasive species.

Perhaps this was the situation finally hitting you, or perhaps it was years of trauma finally making their way to the surface, but you sobbed. Loudly, without care, you sobbed. Tears poured down your face as your couch began to change color due to the liquid, and you stomped your feet on the floor as hard as you possibly could. In the noise, you didn't realize who was standing there right in front of you.

This man hates seeing you cry. Chad has made you cry long enough, and it seems the man wishes to get you one final time before his soul finally falls downwards. Edward couldn't help himself, and he made his way down to the couch to sit right next to you. Immediately, feeling the pressure, your sobs stopped, and you looked up at your side slowly whilst sniffling in the process. Your eyes widened at the realization, and this man gave you no time to think before picking you up by the bottoms of your thighs and holding you on his lap. He almost shouldn't have touched you, because now he cannot control his breathing. It was heavy, unstable and varying in speed and length. His hands seemed to travel around you, paying special attention to your face and your thighs as if he had some kind of affixation towards them. You were absolutely sick now, squirming unconsciously and wishing for nothing more than for this to stop. You opened your mouth and went to scream, and that's when you wished you just took it.

Within seconds, you were on your back, neck slamming against the arm of your couch as you let out a gasp of shock and pain.

"N-no, please, I'll be good!" A few begs later, and ducktape was out of his pocket and being extended in front of your eyes, the man wrapping it around your head. Not before lifting your hair up of course, as he was trying to simply shut you up, not punish you. That will come only in dire circumstances, of course.

He had full access to you after some simple restraining of your arms. You could kick all you liked, he didn't budge, and he was sitting in a position that removed kicking his groin as an option unless you were built completely unbiologically. His hands continued their vicious assault on your purity, and you couldn't help but feel as if poison was in the fingertips of his gloves. Edward took your squirming and crying as you being pleasured by his touch, and of course you were! Soulmates can only be truly pleasured by their other half, and Edward knew for a fact that your bastard ex-boyfriend never was able to make you moan so passionately. Your love was untouchable. Your love was divine. Hands on your chest, sinking down to your inner thighs, he knew the love you shared with him was nothing short of perfection.

"What can you lose but still keep?" His voice matched the voice that echoed against your television just a few seconds ago, confirming the identity of his alias as the man straddling your legs right now. Out of all the perverted intruders out there, why him? Good lord, why him?" You whimpered, crying out, and he prompty shushed you with a finger and a soft hush.

"It's alright, you can think about it for as much as you'd like." He giggled, leaning into your chest and listening to your heartbeat. Edward adores every part of you. He loves you so very much, he'd even be willing to pull your skin open and rip your heart out just to make enough room for him to crawl inside and live there curled up forever. He needs you, craves you. He's got a demented, sick obsession, the most beautiful virus anyone could ever hope to catch. He's patient zero, and it will stay that way forever. Nobody else is permitted to have you.

"I'll be waiting for you forever, (Y/N). As long as you want to take, I'll be waiting. I'll never leave you."

He cupped your wet cheek with his hand, using his thumb to act as a windshield wiper to your tears.

"Not like he did."

#dano riddler x reader #x reader #yandere #riddler #riddler x reader #paul dano #male yandere #paul dano riddler #yandere male #yandere x reader #danonation #danocel #the riddler #edward nashton #edward nashton x you #edward nashton x reader #riddler x you #the riddler x reader #xreader #yandere boy #paul dano x you #paul dano x reader

[kitcam-the-great]

E2!Scott Headcanon Backstory

Consider this a continuation of this post. It’s not super detailed nor is it properly written. Just ideas I needed to write down while I was in the zone on Discord

❗️ TW: Heavy Implications of SA/R. If you’re uncomfortable by that I suggest you keep scrolling. I’ll see you in the next post. Also keep in mind that this is solely about fictional characters. No real people involved. I’ll let you know when it begins and when it’s over. ❗️

So he and his family were travelers. His mother sold dyes and woolen goods while his father was a cartographer. They all enjoyed collecting souvenirs from each of the towns they visited.

As Scott got older, he decides to travel on his own. Back and forth from new lands to his parents then back out again. He loved it. He loved the thrill of adventure and eventually decided to leave everything behind for good. He still kept hun touch with his parents through letters though. Can’t ever forget them.

Pretty soon he gets kinda bored of his life on the road. He’s real short on cash so it’s high time to find some work. The circus is in town so he decides to take a chance. Turns out he absolutely loved it. The people love him too. So many people tuned in for his acrobatic and dance acts.

Unfortunately being in the limelight for a long time got to his head. He became a bit of a narcissist, and wrote to his parents less and less. He eventually forgot about them all together. It all soon came back to bite him in the ass.

Disaster struck. A plague broke out in the land, and Scott got word that his parents became deathly ill. Upon hearing this, and overwhelming sense of guild loomed over him. He quickly rode all the way back to his parents, only to be met by a doctor instead. He couldn’t even get in to see them. The doctor informed him that they’d survive if he got some flowers for a remedy they been told to test. The flower in question were poppies, and Scott instantly complied. Searching far and wide for all the poppies he could find and returned them to the doctor. He was issued away, not being able to say a word to his parents.

Back at the circus, Scott hadn’t been performing as well, and the crowds were starting to notice. And so did the big top’s sleezy manager. He criticized him harshly and threatened to abandon him completely. Scott felt like he was under constant pressure. Nothing he did every felt right. Nowhere he wandered felt like freedom. He was trapped.

Then one horrid evening, Scott was visited by the doctor, who had come to see the show earlier that day. He let him know with a heavy heart that unfortunately the poppies, that have been merely rumored to treat the illness, made it worse. And his parents had unfortunately passed.

Scott grew cold. The best things in his life were stripped away from him. And it was his fault. He’d been greedy and he payed for it. And now he was gonna make sure that everything he did, everything he earned, would be in their name.

He kept performing and traveling with the circus. His acts were getting better and so was his pay. The manager was impressed. Proud even to have him on his team. So proud in fact that he allowed people to ‘rent’ him for private events.

Scott liked this new attention at first. He got to perform for some of the wealthiest people he’s ever met and made a fortune off of his acrobatic acts. He was a hit with kids too, thought they weren’t his favorite crowds. They can be real noisy and obnoxious.

One night the circus got a visit from a really big name in the entertainment business. This dude was real fascinated with Scott and asked the manager if he could borrow him for his birthday that evening. Scott cut in asking what would be his pay. The man simply said that he’d be getting to perform for some do the most noble people in his part of town, and that no real payment was needed. Scott laughed in his face and refused.

The manager, on the other hand, was INSISTENT that he take on this work. And that he’d double, no, triple. His pay for the next week. Scott rose it to a month and the deal was done.

The birthday was an absolute blast. Good food and loud music we’re practically pouring out of each corner of the place. There were all kinds of things to do, and a variety of different acts. But the one the man was the most excited for was Scott. So he gave his performance everything he had and the crowd was well receiving. Though, unbeknownst to Scott, he was far from done with the night. See the man had many other plans for Scott, and they weren’t nice ones.

❗️TW ❗️

In short, he blackmails Scott into sleeping with him various nights in exchange for a few of his collectibles. He knows how much that kind of stuff meant to him, and his parents

The manager was more than willing to give Scott up several nights in a row to the man. He’d be the one getting the pay after all. Didn’t matter if Scott came in the next day absolutely wrecked out of his body and mind. And he knew that Scott hated every bit of it.

He was hurting. He was a laughing stock. It’s what he deserved, he kept telling himself. He basically asked for this, what with his arrogance and narcissism. But after several months of mistreatment and mental torture, he’d remembered his parents and what they’d taught him. And realized, this isn’t what he deserved.

❗️End of TW ❗️

And what he did deserve was all the riches he could get his hands on. So one night, after a painful service, he went out, snatched one of the horses and carts and began stuffing it and his bag with all sorts of rare treasures.

The sound of the horse alarmed a few people as well as the the man who’d been renting the acrobat. The last thing he ever saw and heard was Scott, cursing his name and fleeing with all his goods. He never returned to the circus. To that horrible place to nightmares. And instead, he’s continue his parents legacy by traveling, mapping, and eventually selling.

#sloppy writing I’m sorry #tw: abuse #tw: sa mention #empires smp #empires smp headcanons #headcanon backstory #empires scott #dangthatsalongname #scott smajor #smajor1995