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lepoppeta · 1 month

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For the song asks: Charlestor

charlastor/radiobelle has the benefit of relating to a lot of tropes and aesthetics in media that i already really enjoy and have a lot of content for. that being said, the songs ive chosen for them relate more to the pilot versions of these two characters, where it was speculated that alastor was going to be more of a mysterious, unflappable background mentor figure. ive heard their relationship being compared to that of clarice starling and hannibal lecter from silence of the lambs and hannibal, and i think some of that can vibe definitely be used here.

the first song that ever came to mind for these two (in recent memory) was a dangerous game from the jekyll and hyde musical (sung by anthony warlow and linda eder).

at the touch of your hand, and the sound of your voice, at the moment your eyes meet mine - i am out of my mind, i am out of control, full of feelings i cant define.

its a sin with no name, like a tiger to tame, (and though no-ones to blame) its a crime and a shame, and the angels proclaim its a dangerous game.

im a bit of a sucker for melodramatic gothic musicals, and the vision this song brings to mind is charlie wandering the empty halls of her dilapidated hotel and cautiously dancing with alastor and his army of half-sentient shadows. it relates to charlies pov more than alastors (as in this case he would be singing about her) and how they would have to tread carefully no matter what kind of close relationship they choose to partake in.

next up is me and mr wolf (the real tuesday weld).

you have the thing i love but the fear in me is way too much. if i open wide one of us may get lost inside. me or you, one of us is going to need to die.

my favourite version of this relationship is them being mutually fucked - alastor has never really given much thought to romantic love and hes shocked that hes willing to break so many of his own rules for this silly little slice of heaven in hell; charlie responds well to alastor setting clear boundaries against her sometimes-invasive behavior, and, like any good theatre kid, he "yes-and"s her (instead of vaggies pretty consistent "no"s). however, this song also touches on the fact that charlie is (or should be) at least alastors equal in power, if not far beyond him, and its a warning that neither of them should overstep in either love or anger.

the last one ill leave you with is actually one that was made canon by helluva - its look my way (paranoid DJ, but the alternate version sung by bryce pinkham) and its a bit of an ooc situation from alastors point of view.

unless its me, and no matter what in this world i could give - its not enough to get through the walls youve conjured up to live. is this what you feel? scorned by a world that cannot comprehend what you are, so ill grant you this mercy - this bind on our souls needs to end.

this is taking into account the deal that charlie makes with alastor in the penultimate episode of the first season of hazbin. the idea is that alastor (or at least, the speculative pilot version of alastor) strongly admires charlies perseverance against her own people - the very beings shes trying so hard to save. while charlie is a relatively open book he knows that she probably doesnt let anyone, not even her own girlfriend/best friend, see the emotional toll this project has taken on her (again, this tying in more to the pilot personalities of these characters), and hes upset that her deal with him has only made things worse in that regard. he makes the choice, to his own detriment, to sever the deal without her knowledge, so that if she doesnt keep her end of the bargain it will be of no consequence to her.

#ask game #answered ask #hazbin hotel #alastor #charlie morningstar #charlastor #radiobelle

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plural-culture-is · 9 months

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i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

#not plural culture #am i plural #plural system #plurality #actuallyplural #anonymous

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afaramir · 2 months

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LOLL i was gonna start like ‘hey there im denethor anon’ but u beat me to it. SIMILAR MINDS. Haha i read one of ur fics, was immediately smitten & was like i MUST follow them. (I’m glad i did, love the vibe of ur blog and the Flavour of ur opinions.. TASTY) so im a more recent follower but i’m gathering younger you weren’t a fan of denethor, huh? Can’t say i blame you. PJ certainly made some Decisions. he was like how do i convert a complex character into The most loathsome creature ever. He really did our fav gondorians sooo dirty. I literally watch through those scenes SEETHING in rage.

So I’ve been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for two days. like i am a denethor girlie. in my mind. spiritually. haven’t posted much abt him on tumblr. but nowww. you’re exactly right, ‘denethor Is a good leader…[insert ur paragraph here]’ yes yes yes you get it. listen denethor was a prideful, angry, resentful man but he was also valiant, resilient and noble. He guarded his city, alone (which takes GUTS, again, he was a badass!!), so well, for literal YEARS that Sauron was fearful/wary of him. i wish people were more understanding of him. he’s such an interesting character there’s so much to explore there. as you said the duty-vs-love, the weapon-first-person-next of it all. the layers. denethor as a weapon. denethor as a symbol of both sword/shield. AAHHH

BUT i think some people dismiss him hate him bc he is the mirror (the ugly side? if that makes sense) of humanity, of us. we ought to show him some compassion tho ‘cause havent u ever been taken under the darkness of life? felt the world slipping away & struggle to keep up w it? dont u ever feel hopeless? that things will never change, no matter what u do? DO YOU HAVE FEARS HAVE YOU FACED THE MONSTERS? WERE YOU ALONE, SCARED AND HOPELESS? AND HAVENT YOU MADE MISTAKES IN YOUR GRIEF AND PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY?? THAT’S what denethor experienced. He was described as a leader & a learned one at that for christ sake. He knew that evil was awaiting him and his kin and his people! he saw his future. yet. yet he soldiered on until. war declared. his sons killed (or so he believed). that’s when hope abandoned him. what was the point of staying alive now anyway? Evil was upon them, they would surely be tortured w a fate worse than death, so why should he not end the pain and kill himself? he fought the war against Time, Evil and The Dark Enemy himself and WON. he was a brave man indeed, to have fought these dark forces so much stronger than him. but he finally lost the war against Despair (and Grief), the cruelest of them all. imma cry 😭😭😭 no no no u don’t understand he didnt give up hope, hope abandoned him he- [GUNSHOT] (i don’t know how much of this even made sense lmao) anyway,

Faramir <333. do i even have to say anything about faramir? he’s the specialest little guy i love himm 🥰. On god i am one step away from rereading lotr just for him (plsss dont tempt me finals are in less than a fortnight) his and denethor’s relationship like u described my godddd XDD. fucked up familial relationships MY BELOVED. i am feral about this trope. the resentment… the jealousy… the mirror image of each other… the you’re-the-same-like-me-and-i-hate-that… mmmhm. hey do u ever think about 12 year old faramir admiring his father much the same way he did boromir and wishing he would grow up to be just like him? and do you ever think about 28 year old faramir knowing that he’s more like his father than anyone else and hating that? hating him? i do.

I’ll stop now lol im afraid my coherency has diminished by now. also sorry sorry for replying so late i am preparing for my exams. but rest assured i WILL be Rotating faramir around in my brain :3

hiiii denethor anon LOL this is the greatest ask ive ever received. every day i endeavour to provide only THE juiciest of opinions. aka this is my diary and you all are subjected to it. anyway im so glad you liked my fic i would love to know which one you read! i got into lotr via the films when i was super young so my past opinions were def coloured by The Choices. i have learned and grown since then<3 i was watching the book-to-film analysis vids on the extended edition dvds a couple weeks back and it made me so mad that i had to get up and turn off the tv. did you know there are other character options besides 'paragon of virtue' and 'one dimensional villain'...truly kind of a "nice dichotomy idiot! now what lies outside of it" situation. A Waste Of Your John Noble, To Be Honest. idk i still hold the films very close to my heart but the choices...i will simply respectfully disagree. and dont even get me started on faramir we WILL be here all night. another time. i have denethor thorongil situationship-fic to write. (i am serious about that) (i was simultaneously playing it 100% straight serious AND kind of joking about them. i shouldve known better. well.........we are so in it.)

you are so real for this. i have ALSO been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for days. weeks, even. sorry to everyone coming to the faramir goes to rivendell au for faramir and the fellowship the first 10k is literally just Keeping Up With The Stewards. we'll get there. i Will blame you for the impetus for my recent denethorposting on main but also encourage you to also do this. do whatever you want forever<3 nooo but straight up...guy who has so much strength and will that The Lord Of All Evil wouldnt contend directly against him and had to bring out the big palantir guns to bring him down. and if he'd not lost both of his sons i mean...who knows what would've happened. sometimes your sons ARE the only thing keeping you from killing yourself Do It For Them-style and lets be real that is a valid coping method. (i don't have an answer for that one and boy oh boy do i wish i did. it is going to become a massive thorn in my side in, oh, 70k or so when i hit rotk. well...i will blow up that bridge when i get to it.)

im actually putting a read more in this time bc this post broke a thousand words. continue at your own risk. there IS also faramirposting at the end here i promise.

just imagining denethor leading the siege of minas tirith. um. now stay with me here...riding out with imrahil's sortie. STAY WITH ME HERE. what do you think the livery of a steward going to war looks like. jesus christ i need to go lay down. yes i purposefully placed the read more before i decided to go momentarily horny on main. its also lowkey very vague au spoilers. sorry everyone but denethor IS canonically hot and we need to acknowledge it. Anyway.

denethor as a weapon denethor as both a sword and a shield...i am chewing glass for real. you GET IT. god i love person-as-weapon metaphor soooo much. When The Iconography Is Getting A Little Too Real. denethor as gondor, as her vanguard and standard-bearer and. i am straight up frothing at the mouth. all he ever wanted was to be a gentle lord in a time of peace.....and death was his reward...Sorry For Stealing The Fingon Death Quotation But I'm Right. so much of his behaviour and the strain on his relationships with his sons and all that is sooo...informed by the fact that to cope with having to be lord of a country at war he had to be so so unbending. he couldn't allow himself to waver, ever, not even for love, not even to save his sons.

did you know he was 21 when sauron returned. pov you are 21 years young and you have been alone all your life you are the steward's only son you are his strange numenorean heir and no one else has the LITERAL PSYCHIC POWERS AND VISIONS that you do and you have had to contend with that, alone. master your own mind, alone. learn how the shape of politics and lordship and life bends around you. and the dark lord the enemy who brought down your forebears has now set his eye on your lands again. Jesus Christ. How Would You Fucking Deal. sorry i would have a nervous breakdown and go and live in the desert. Man. TWENTY ONE? LIKE ME? most days i feel like a teletubby with a job and a credit card. if you scale it to account for numenorean lifespan inflation i mean i don't know how the math works but like. i bet it comes out to being like. 17. HELLO? basically everyone i know was barely a person at 17. the dark lord of all evil and he's MY problem to deal with?

i mean exactly. haven't we all been prideful and angry and resentful. haven't we all been there. once again [pippin voice] let's all understand poor denethor a little better. havent you ever been taken under the darkness of life [your paragraph here] yeah exactly what you said. the idea that he fucking won the war against the darkness and only lost to despair is..........so much! goodbye i have to go cry!

faramir, me AND fate's most special precious little guy....oh captain my captain....exactly. Exactly. i cant morally endorse a reread right this second but like. After. make it through finals and then it is Faramir Time. (and good luck! you got this!) tactical smartass little bitch master of both man and beast wizard's pupil (complimentary) star and hope and jewel of minas tirith knight in shining armour...my beloved. the idea that like faramir as presented, as the diplomat, as the scholar, as the numenorean, was supposed to be the one to go to rivendell...it haunts me. where is denethor sends the right son to do the right job.txt. he is gondor's no. 1 horse girl he is better suited to the wild than the battlefield he has read every sindarin text in the library he KNOWS the story of elrond and elros. he is literally telepathic and psychic and prophetic. thinking about him interacting with elrond and galadriel (and every other elf. but them in particular) makes me feel deranged. its very...self taught dnd wizard meets guy who went to wizard school energy. he's insane.

YEAH ITS CRAZY THAT THEYRE THE SAME GUY. it's. boromir gets to be boromir but faramir has to be denethor.txt. gracious and lordly as a king of old...now who is consistently referred to as noble and kingly...that a younger faramir would've looked up to...yeah. the perpetuation of denethor's second-best complex. i have a whole nother post in the drafts about that i CANT get into it here but jesus christ men who are NOT breaking the cycle. they even look the same. i mean 37 year old faramir as steward is 100% the spitting image of his father and that makes me....genuinely fucking insane actually. i mean like older councillors are doing double takes every time he walks by. i mean like sometimes people call him by the wrong fucking name. WOW where did that come from. the complex that that would give him...hello? turning this over inside my brain at WARP speed.

you are not late at all lol we are leaving little letters in each other's mailboxes to read when we have the time. i hope your exams go well!!! there will be more Faramir And Denethor Hours soon<33

#from the inbox #Anonymous #denethor anon #Another 1000+ Word Denethor Post From Yours Truly (both of us). Sorry To The Dash.#by the way the idea of ONE GUY bearing both sides of the sword/shield dichotomy made me feel like i was gonna black out in the coffee shop #that was crazy shit LOL #btw if u want me to talk about the denethor thorongil situationship I Fucking Will. idk if u were here before my faramir february url chang #but what has happened to me with them is soooooo typical abby rarepairnation behaviour. Hey Wouldn't That Be Funny. now hold on a second.#long post #denethorposting

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lesbenson · 1 year

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lovely ali @fairydyke-mothr tagged me to post 5 things i can't stop writing <3 i am not much of a writer beyond fics aka half formed fic ideas so this list will be a lil messy. i have the most stuff for ted lasso and svu but ill focus on svu here LOL

1. toxic WASTE eo like love confessions buried in the nastiest arguments ever. im sorry i just love mess. similarly, someone saying i love you and being hit with like "no you dont. die" or "i wish i didnt" also eo as the soulmates who should never have met ive blown apart my life for you and eo from every outside view being the two most infuriating people ever (as explained by kathy stabler to barba, and amanda to liv and to elliot). eo who became a swirling black hole that took everyone with them. i think its easier for me to write eo from like other character povs bc i didnt originally watch the eo seasons so theres always an element of like. ghostly entity elliot stabler coloring my perception of him And i find their dynamic really hard to put into words in like. an interesting way. theyre just insane idk

2. the olivia bensonism of right where you left me and her constant fear of being left behind + her pushing people away + single most important person in my life and you just disappeared i have a few different "i cant do this" lines written and this last ep has obviously only made me worse

i also have elliot getting offered a transfer back to rome and in a moment of pure insanity telling liv he'll do whatever she asks him to. and because shes Her she tells him to leave and hes like okay ? and shes like i am obviously lying what is wrong with you.

a lot of sad liv internal monologues about how she misses elliot every moment that shes with him

3. the girls are fightiiing my list of conversations amanda and liv have never had and my ongoing list of out of pocket things liv has said or done to amanda <3 mess ! and a random fight about kim that leads to kissing lol

also a list of random thoughts about liv and amanda when i was first figuring out their dynamic like "real canon compliant rollivia means fighting and miscommunication"

4. amanda taking eo matters into her own hands. she talks to stabler. a lot. and she yells at liv for not making a move after she finds out about the intervention. more on this as it develops.

5. girl. grief and parental trauma ! the mother wound chile ! olivia bensons slight obsessive jealous homoerotic hatred of other women in non professional settings ! this became a note about how she separates everyone she meets into a kathy stabler or a serena benson and uses that to inform her feelings towards them

uhhhh if anyone wants more of any of these lmk?

tagging @o6666666 @heinouslydedicated @hargiloni @electricnachos @katiecotugno

#fic stuff?#thank you for tagging me :)

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dwn024 · 1 year

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youre genuinely one of my favorite mutuals! i hope this isnt weird to say, but i feel like ever since your boyfriend broke it off with you, youve been much more lively! from what i know it seems like from the start he disrespected your boundaries and continuously made you uncomfortable. of course it would have hurt a lot at that time, especially with the anon jumpscare and such. but people had, and still have your back!

youve got a really vibrant personality that shows through your text posts about your story – that youve put so much effort into, or you getting excited about computers and robots, or your love for your hometown. ive also noticed that youre really hardworking! when anon jumpscare happened, it would have been really easy to just give up on your project and be all sad (honestly probably would have done that in your place) (would have been understandable, twas a rough situation), but you managed to complete it in time in the end!

of course, you shouldnt overwork yourself, taking breaks to recover physically and mentally is good and you should do it when you can. but i really respect and admire your perseverance throughout it! and i loved your project too! i cant want to see more of what you make!

ive been wanting to try to befriend you for a long while now, i just dont know how to approach you. my typical approach to making friends with my tumblr mutuals is to message them on tumblr first, have a small conversation, ask for their discord, & from there we either continue talking or ill message them another time.

im saying this because i considered taking my typical approach with you, but i dont want to scare you. ive read a lot of what you post within the time weve been mutuals, and can see just how anxious socialising makes you.

i may not be the same as you, but i get anxious too. im scared of saying wrong things too. im scared of coming across as Too weird too! even now, writing to you, im scared! im thinking carefully about what im saying because i just want to be nice to you, and not say something wrong or mean or stupid. im even scared that this ask is getting too long, yet i still have plenty to say!

point is (well, points), is that:

1) the people who you want to talk to but are scared of very likely (unrelated to you) have fears & insecurities of their own, and are scared too.

2) i care a lot about you. i check your blog regularly to see what youre up to and because im interested in the things you say. im a regular post liker of yours.

& 3) id like to be friends with you, but i dont want there to be any pressure. we dont Have to be friends. if we do end up talking and you dont want to be friends just yet, or at all, ill respect your wishes and keep my distance

4) nothing. i just know you like this number

smilesies!

(p.s. im scared to press send, but im doing it anyway! if youre scared of doing something but you know you want to do it, do it scared!)

going to screenshot this ask cuz it’s so nice it made me bigcry actually for real uuuuuuuu ;-; thank you anon a lot

part of the reason i got more active here after the breakup is just cuz i stopped using vent app which is where all this whining posting and such would usually have gone cuz that’s what my ex used and i didn’t/don’t wantt o get contaminated by being anywhere on the same minefield as him and also i think it died which is good. but thank you for liking my presence and personality and being so niceys i relally really appreciate it

i would like to be friends if you want to i really really would like you said though it is Scary but not doing something will only make it worse i think i’m sorry if me being a nervous wreck made you not w ant to message me it’s still ungodly terrifying to get messaged randomly out of the blue when ik’m not expecting it even when it’s nothing but nice and friendly but i do like getting messages and being like thought of so i od n’t mjind too much ultimately cuz if anything i can hold off on replying until the initial panic dies down a tiny bit even if i got jumpscared by it i want to make friends and i don’t want my constant state of disproportionate terror to make that Impossible

bigsmile….thank you anon

#niceys

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reficu1 · 1 year

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hiiii ^^ was wondering if I could have a matchup for genshin?

name: Periwinkle or just Peri but i also go by quin sometimes

sexuality: bi with a preference for guys

gender: non-binary, they/them

likes: music, art, true crime, animals but especially sea creatures, makeup, fashion, the cold, dark psychology, night, horror movies an books, gore, monsters <3, tropical fruits, icecream, sleeping, giving gifts, snow, thunderstorms, nature, and dinosaurs lmao.

dislikes: rules, anyone super serious reminds me of my m o m lmao, people who interrupt others, sports, heat, people touching my sides without warning me first, people not paying attention to me when i talk, people who always hold a pity party for themselves as their whole personality, koalas, and people who think they have it worse than you.

hobbies: singing, poetry, painting, sketching, writing, cooking, crocheting, bike riding while listening to music, swimming, video games like (skyrim, minecraft, botw, subnautica)

personality: INFP-A. a lot of people say i seem intimidating at first glance, i'm very aggressive and tend to be very loud by nature yet not very energetic if that makes sense. i talk too loud basically lmao. im socially awkward and try to make people too comfy too quick and tend to overshare. my mood changes rapidly due to being a borderline. I have a very happy personality tho and laugh at so much its ridiculous yet im diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. im really lazy and hate even standing for more than 5 mins mainly cuz my whole body always hurts tho lmao. im quite introverted and unless i HAVE to i hate going out and meeting new people. i isolate myself a lot if i get even slightly mad or sad. i have a lot of self-destructive habits and just dont work on them lmao. i talk a lot about things i like. i have bad trust and attachment issues yet i dont completely trust anyone due to past issues. a lot of people ik say im someone very trustworthy since i can keep secrets and know how to stay loyal and help people when they need to vent. im very blunt to the point it has ruined relationships. i try to watch my speaking due to having grown up in an environment where if i said anything wrong id be screamed at or beat so i tend not to say a lot of things im thinking despite being blunt. i can barely speak up for myself if someone is mad at me for fear of them hating me or leaving me, to the point if i stand up for myself i start crying and shaking and have to leave the room. i have really bad issues with self-harm. i have a very short attention span and get distracted super easy t the point i can barely read properly lmao. im really hypersexual at times and then sex repulsed at other times. i have an obsessive personality and if i find anything i like i surround myself with it as much as i can and if not, im daydreaming abt it. i have a thing for correcting people abt anything ik a lot about. i have a thing for loving anyone, whether real or fake, that's usually unliked whether its for being weird, scary, or ugly in any form. so basically i love the unloveable cuz i understand them. i cuss a l o t lmao. im very clumsy and jumpy at all times lmao i get hurt a lot, randoms bruises everywhere. i find comfort in my depression so i dont plan on getting better but im not suicidal. im the type of person to be like "huh?" even tho i heard you loud and clear.

insecurities: my body. i'm overweight for my height and have really defined curves so i get oversexualized a lot so i hate my body, plus my scars do n o t help. ive been told my whole life by my grandma and my cousins that im only good for my body so yeah. the way i get obsessed with things and people so easily. the fact im very poor and currently am homeless along with my parents lmao. the way i look for bad in anyone i like becuz i dont want to let myself love ever again. how i dont want to get better at all, i just wanna stew in my shit lmaoooo. the way i eat really unhealthily. how when i would cry as a child my family would say i was being dramatic so now when i need to cry i gaslight myself into thinking im being cringe. the way i try to seem a bit cooler than i am in front of people online. my impulsive lying (im working on it with my therapist tho so i barely do anymore compared to before). My taste in people. my fashion sense cuz of my mom. the way im agnostic now since i grew up religious. my darker interests. my boyish personality. how i cant keep anything around me clean for more than two days.

I hope you have a great night/day ^^

Oh, it's sad how similar we are. I hope that in the future you will get rid of people who make you uncomfortable, or your parents will change their parenting methods. Although the scars on the body and on the nervous system will remain.

I match up for you...

Okay, it was difficult. I chose between two characters whose 7 is dominant in the enneagram, because of this they avoid their problems _(._.)_well...

I wanted to choose Venti, but he has huge problems with responsibility or absence. He is used to drowning out moral pain with optimism, conversations, and a penchant for bad habits. And a pretty sloppy attitude.

That's why I chose Child. Of course, I don’t know what will happen in the future and whether you want to have a family, so I will talk about his family in Snezhnaya. For the comfort of his family, he will do everything. Just look at his spoiled younger brother<^!^> Of course, the "lie" question bothers me. In his case, it is rather "a lie for the good" and "a wolf in sheep's clothing." The first is for the family so that they do not worry, and the other for his work. I talked earlier about avoiding reality or problems. Tartaglia has a tendency to avoid real issues that only concern his life and injuries. In conversation, he avoids the question by making a joke out of it, so as not to begin to study himself deeply. Since you don't really like touch, I see that his love language is deeds, gifts, money.

#genshin match up #genshin matchups #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #tartaglia x you #tartaglia x reader

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komoreangel · 3 years

Text

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐢𝐚

pairing: scaramouche x fem!reader

scenario: you met when you were both very young, and since the day he left you behind he still feels an undying fear for what sight would await him if he dared to return home.

or…

thantophobia - the fear of losing a loved one. but he had made it perfectly clear that you did not fall under that category when he left you and all of your promises behind.

request: okok my first idea was: scaramouche childhood friends to enemies to lovers. take with that what you will <3

a/n: hi anon ty so very much for the request we all know i love scara <33 but i did tweak it a bit basically its childhood friends to enemies to scara loves reader but reader isnt convinced (with a hint of 'ive always loved you' thrown in)

side note: this is a rewrite of an excerpt i wrote for a scara x oc, in which the oc was female (the same is said here but i will avoid using pronouns) and adopted into the kamisato clan as a princess (minor inazuma spoilers). the same situation is stated here. also i am 1000% willing to write more of this (includes my personal headcanons for scaramouche’s backstory, not canon!!)

growing up, you had always had poor health

your mother worried for you a lot when you were younger

she didn’t like to let you go outside much either

you spent most of your time in the palace walls while she worked, frequently being taken to see the royal physician

you would sit outside the door while your parents talked with the doctors about your “condition”

you weren’t even that sick

just weak for your age

that was when you first met him

he was training to be a soldier along his father

you were like a ghost in his eyes

sitting in the hall in the middle of the night

knees pushed to your chest, snoozing in the soft light of the moon

he was naturally a curious boy, so he kneeled in front of you and poked your shoulder

“hello?”

you startled awake

“wah-!” he fell back at your sudden movement

“who are you?” you asked

your voice was soft, and gentle, like a midnight breeze

“i’m [redacted].”

you remember what he told you, but some part of that memory had been erased from your mind…you wonder to this day what he could have said.

“my name is y/n.”

he thought it was a pretty name, although he wasn’t going to say anything

the two of you sat in the moonlight, talking quietly amongst yourselves

“why are you sitting outside the physician’s office?” he asked you

“my mama says i’m sick, and that going outside will make it worse.”

“oh. are you going to get better soon?”

you smile at him, a gesture that makes his chest tighten, although he can’t fathom why.

“yeah! she says that if we can afford to get some medicine from liyue, i’ll be all better! then i can start making friends!”

he slightly smiles

“can i be your friend, [redacted]?”

you had even said the name yourself once. why couldn’t you remember it?

his expression shifts to a slightly surprised look

“you…want to be my friend?”

he was quiet even then, and his silent expression would grow to an angry one over time

“yeah! you’re interesting, and you’re one of the few people who bothers to talk to me.”

he doesn’t speak for a while.

“you can say no if you want to.” you say to him.

“okay. i’ll be your friend.”

it’s a short response, but the bright grin that lights up your face makes it worth the wait

“yay! i can’t wait till i’m better so we can hang out more!”

you two talked in that hallway a lot

meeting after dark, talking about anything in the world

when you were about six, the worst of your illness hit you

the doctors didn’t even know what was wrong, and there were nights when he would sit outside the physician’s office alone at night, hoping, praying that the sun would shine on a world that still had you in it

you would collapse from exhaustion at the slightest overexertion

his father always told him he had to be careful with you, not only were you shorter than him, but you were also very fragile

those hours spent sitting in the hallway alone, he got to do a lot of thinking

he wanted to help you, but he didn’t know how

then, there was a sudden burst of hope

you were going to liyue with your parents

you would get the help you needed

he was happy for you, even if it meant you would have to spend time away from him

and then there was the terrible news

the ship had gone missing

you had too

he couldn’t sleep for days on end

his father was worried too

when he saw you again, you found yourself shuddering on the shores of inazuma

he wrapped his arms around you as tight as he could, as if his strength alone could undo everything that had happened

it was one of the few times he showed affection in public

he rushed you to the healer again

and this time there was no hoping

there was no praying

there was just the pit in his stomach, the fear that coursed through his veins and fueled his blood

every second felt like a decade, it was a moment in which you weren’t perfectly healthy and safe

the townspeople began to spread rumors, as people do

the guard’s son who was lovesick with worry for the sickly orphan girl

what a pity, no?

he wanted to shut them up. he wished he had the power to shut them up.

when even his father had to drag him away from the pharmacy, he didn’t talk to anyone for a very long time.

this was around the time he grew sour and snappy

his simply quiet demeanor developed into a scowl that constantly graced his face

he only smiled the day you were released from the physicians.

you weren’t fully healed. but you felt better than you ever had in your life.

his father took you in without a second thought, and he was just happy to have you with him.

“i’m better, scara.” you said to him, a happy smile on your face

“i was wondering when you’d hurry up and get well.”

you were a bit troubled by his attitude, but no less, you were happy to see your friend again.

it went like that for a long time.

he was rude, but you didn’t care because you knew what he was like underneath.

some nights he would sneak into your room and talk to you.

he told you he was just bored and felt like annoying you.

but his real reason was to make sure you were still breathing.

he always worried about you

so the day you received your vision, he felt a lot of relief

surely this meant that you could protect yourself. you were safe.

then the worst of all things happened.

his fathers death.

the day he felt like his world was ripped from underneath his feet.

almost immediately, the electro archon, baal, herself, intervened, and declared that you were to be adopted into the kamisato clan.

why you? why couldn’t he keep you with him? he was old enough to be able to take care of both of you

baal didn’t like his questioning. she said she knew what was best for you.

it was strange. because in the days he spent with you after, although not many, you didn’t seem sick at all.

for the first time, you seemed perfectly healthy.

he was glad for that…but he wasn’t happy. you could see that easily.

you knew this wasn’t the right thing for him

he stuck around for a year. you suppose you’re lucky he even stayed that long. you were pretty much his only reason.

sure he found friends in ayaka and kazuha…but he was unhappy.

he knew there was no point in staying, so he thought it was time he took his leave.

he approached you one day, as the sun began to set

you were worried for him, as he had been very angry towards baal and the emperor lately.

“scara, is there something you want to talk about?”

you watch as he stands before you

he blurts out, “run away with me.”

you’re taken aback almost immediately.

“what?”

he repeats his statement

“i’m going to flee from inazuma. come with me.”

“scara..”

his expression, as it does often these days, turns stern and serious.

“i’m not going to ask you again. come with me, y/n.”

you’re tired of him ordering you around.

“you know i can’t. i have duties here. i can’t just betray my country for you.”

“you know baal wants me gone. she’s going to kill me if i stay. she might do the same to you.”

you scoff at his words. “she won’t harm me or you. you’re being dramatic.”

he spits out his next words, laced with venom. “baal killed my father. i hate her and so should you.”

“scara.”

“it’s like you’ve completely forgotten about him just because you’re royalty now.”

“scara.”

“don’t call me scara. come with me if you ever cared at all.”

“scaramouche!”

he goes quiet

“don’t go. please.”

he frowns

“you know i can’t do that.”

you want to try and make him stay

but he won’t. you know nothing you say will convince him. he won’t let himself be convinced by you, even if that’s what he truly wants.

you inhale

“get out of here.”

“what?”

“go. leave. and take this with you.”

you throw the necklace you were wearing at him, and he catches it. baal had exiled him, it was true, but he couldn’t expect you to throw everything away for him.

“wait, what are you-“

as the two of you stare each other down, you hear ayaka’s voice coming from the courtyard, calling for you.

she has a guard with her, as the emperor assigns every royal family member. you managed to ditch yours early on.

“the guard is gonna get you if you stay, scara. get out of here, now.”

he scoffs

“whatever. i can’t believe i thought you were worth risking my life.”

he pockets the necklace and steps over the wall, and he’s gone.

nine years of friendship and he threw you away like you were nothing

in truth, the minute he was out of sight, he threw down his bag in anger

he turned around and you weren’t there anymore

you gave up on him

so if he hated you, you deserved it

it might be worth a hefty price anyway.

at least that’s what he told himself

(he never stopped missing you. almost as soon as he joined the fatui, he requested an audience with the tsaritsa to ask her how you were doing.)

“a simple agent, asking that much of me? and for a girl? that’s very bold of you.”

upon hearing it was about you, the cryo archon grew very interested. of course she remembered you.

the sickly orphan she gifted a vision to at a very young age.

she told him you were well

what she didn’t tell him was about baal going berserk and massacring thousands of her people.

upon receiving the news, he felt that chill upon him once again

the fear that fell onto his shoulders, weighing him down, too scared to ask for more information. he didn’t want to be told you were gone.

“the royal family was not harmed.”

he felt his muscles relax as he calmed down.

he quickly reassumed an upright stance.

he was the sixth harbinger. he has no weaknesses. he cares for nothing and no one.

but beneath his mask, the fire of his love for you burned brighter than the flame of any pyro vision.

a/n: ok so i really enjoyed this….scara banner when. i did tweak it a bit but i have other things written for this scenario in which scara returns to inazuma and reader is (deservingly) PISSED with him :) lmk if you want me to post those !

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shoutaaizawas · 3 years

Text

↳ touya todoroki x reader → ❝safe in your arms❞

summary: your bleeding shivering and scared you stumble to the last place you thought you’d go for safety inspired by @one-lonely-whumperfly post word count: 1.9k+ tags/warnings: injury mention, blood mention, mention of being drugged, angst, fluff, light enemies to lovers a/n: ive been super unmotivated to write but this was a lot of fun so shoutout to this prompt. also it’s super cold here. hope everyone is doing well.

Dabi was enjoying a quiet night at his apartment. It wasn’t a nice place and it wasn’t in a nice neighborhood but it was the place he called home. Being around the league could be too much at times so it was nice to get away and have time alone.

He was laying across his dingy couch with a plastic cup of cheap whiskey in hand as he watched whatever was on TV when he heard banging at his door.

Dabi let out a huff as he stood up, if Toga was here to bother him again he was going to have to move and hide his new address. Opening up his front door ready to scold Toga the words disappeared from his mouth at the sight in front of him.

There you stood, slouched against the wall. Blood smeared across your face, a foggy look in your eyes, and fear and exhaustion rolling off you in waves.

There was a lot to wonder in such a small amount of time. What happened? Why did you come here? How did you even know where he lived? Granted he didn’t have time to consider these things as you were currently falling to the ground.

Dabi reached out to grab you, his arms wrapping around your waist just in time. He pulled you up letting you rest your weight on him so that you could stand.

“I didn’t take you as the type to show up at my place and fall for me.” He teased. Was it the right time for a joke, no, but he was a villain he wasn’t supposed to care about those things. Not to mention the anxious wave rolling through him was unbearable and cracking a poorly timed joke was an easy way to cope. The smirk on your bloodied lips reassured the worry of offending you that he pretended wasn’t there. Despite your acceptance of his joke, your reply was serious.

“Didn’t know where else to go.” You rasped out. There was a rawness to your answer. There was none of that hero bravado. Just fear. It stirred something in him that he had been trying to pretend wasn’t there for a long time. It was easy to brush off when you were standing tall throwing his snarky banter back at him with the same level of wit he had thrown it at you with. There was something terrifying in your vulnerability that he couldn’t exactly place. Or at least he pretended like he couldn’t place it.

“Not sure if this would even be my first choice.” He said as he readjusted getting a better grasp on you. It was tempting to pick you up and carry you over the threshold of his apartment like a princess but he resisted. With your arm over his shoulder, he helped you to his uncomfortable couch, placing you down on it. Turning on the light he tried to get a better look at you.

Squinting from the brightness of the light only made things look worse. The blood on your face was still fresh, dripping down onto your clothes. Casual clothes. He wasn’t sure if he had ever seen you in anything other than your hero costume.

He took your chin between his fingers with a softness he didn’t even know he was capable of anymore, even more, surprising was how you didn’t flinch away from his touch. He wasn’t sure if that was some form of trust from you or just a sign of how out of it you were. There had to be some explainable reason you were here and not at a hero’s house or the hospital.

Looking at the cuts on your face he felt an anger rise in him that he didn’t expect. He wasn’t an innocent man, he had done this to people, he had probably done this to you at some point. Why was this upsetting him?

“Stay here, let me grab some stuff.” He said before going to the bathroom and grabbing his first aid kit from underneath the sink along with some wash clothes covered in warm water. Returning he knelt on the ground in front of you. Your eyes were closed and you were swaying back and forth even seated on the couch. He didn’t know anything about what happened but he had a bad feeling that someone had slipped you something.

“Tell me what happened.” A part of him was dying to know but he also knew you would need something to distract you from the pain of your wounds being cleaned up. Your eyes opened up and you stared at him blankly for a moment.

“Um, I- It-” You took a moment to get started. “I was at a bar. I was supposed to meet my friend. It was supposed to be a girl’s night, I got all ready, I even put on my favorite shirt.” You said looking down sadly at the black blouse you were wearing that was now covered in blood. Dabi carefully wiped away the blood on your face with the warm cloth looking for the wounds. “They couldn’t make it, hero emergency. I thought I’d at least stay for another drink since I was already there and dressed up.”

“Typical heroes, always running off.” Dabi scoffed.

“There was this guy, I didn’t think anything of it. I- I just wanted to finish my drink and go home but he started talking to me.” You said closing your eyes for a moment like you were trying to remember it all. “I thought he was maybe a fan. He wouldn’t stop talking to me, he got me a drink. I didn’t really want it but I didn’t want to be rude.”

“I would think a hero like you would be more careful.” Dabi scolded as finished cleaning up the cuts on your face. The thought of some guy bothering you made him sick which was unexpected. He moved on to cleaning the wounds on your face.

“I- I didn’t think he was dangerous.” You said in a small voice. Dabi paused, his hand resting on your chin tilting your gaze to his. For a moment he was pulled into your eyes, the warmth there even under the fear that still lingered. “I got up to leave, I was outside but my head was spinning. I didn’t drink that much, I knew something was wrong but I could barely stand up. Someone grabbed me, there was no one around, they pulled me into the alleyway there and I couldn’t do anything. My quirk wouldn’t work right, I couldn’t do anything to protect myself.”

The thought of you defenseless was far more upsetting than he could fathom. You hesitated to say what happened next, not that you really needed to, it was clear on the wounds that he was cleaning what they had done.

“Do you know who it was?” He asked trying to keep his voice even. The anger rising in him was hard to control, not that he was used to controlling himself.

“A local crime boss, or at least his guys.” You said. “I’ve been trying to stop him. He’s been using people, using their fear to get money and control from them. I’m going to stop him but he tried to stop me first I guess.”

Dabi made a note, it wouldn’t be hard for him to find him. Especially if he framed it as a business proposition from the league. That could wait, right now he just wanted to help you. How odd that was for him.

“Can’t let your guard down when you mess with underhanded criminals like that.” He said.

“What about criminals like you?” You asked. Your tone was teasing but he could hear the edge of honest interest in your voice.

“I’m a lot more straightforward. No fun beating your heroic rival when they’re already roughed up.” He said as he placed a bandage on your cheek. You had a few scratches on your face light bruises were already forming on your skin. “Let me get you some pain killers.”

Dabi returned with a glass of water and some pills before he went back to his room to find clothes you could wear. He grabbed a black shirt and some shorts.

“You can stay the night here.” He said. “Change into something more comfortable.”

You looked down at the clothes for a moment, possibly reconsidering the situation that you had put yourself in. To his surprise, you took the clothes and shakily stood up. He pointed you in the direction of his bathroom.

Dabi went into his room trying to tidy it up. Making the bed, grabbing the trash off the nightstand. He couldn’t recall the last time he had cleaned up for someone. He never cared what people thought of him or his place and it wasn’t like he had very many guests.

He turned at the sight of you in the doorway. You looked good in his shirt. You looked better in general, you had cleaned off the blood and grime that had been leftover and you looked a little more coherent now. He was still waiting for you to realize you were crazy for being here but you were still here.

You moved to lay down on the bed, pulling the thin covers over yourself.

“I’m cold.” You said.

“I don’t have any more blankets.” He replied. It wasn’t like he even needed blankets, he never got cold.

Before he could do or say anything else you grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into bed. For a moment he laid there in shock as you scooted closer to him.

The silence wasn’t awkward or tense but he found himself wondering if he should say something to break it. Social anxiety wasn’t something that Dabi faced often, you seemed to be putting him through a lot of unfamiliar moments tonight.

“Why did you come here?” He asked finally. The question had been on his mind all night. The pause of silence made him wonder if you had fallen asleep.

“I was scared and felt alone, I could barely think straight I knew I needed to go to someone but for some reason, your face was the only one in my mind.”

Dabi glanced over to you, you were looking up at him with a soft look in your eyes that made his heart flutter. Having you here tonight made him realize that his fascination with you was past that of a villain has for their rival. His interest in you was resembling a crush more than anything else at this point.

The fact that in a vulnerable state you thought to go to him, no you weren’t even thinking it was an instinct that brought you here.

“You’re safe here.” He said quietly, his arm wrapping around your shoulders and pulling you in. Your head rested against his chest and the way you nuzzled against him made his cheeks warm. Your eyes closed and your breathing evened and he knew you had fallen asleep.

One night had changed so much for him. He wasn’t sure if you would wake up tomorrow and regret coming here or if just maybe you felt similar to him. The thought was scary but for now, there was nothing he could do except enjoy the weight of you in his arms and think about how good it would feel to incinerate the person who had hurt you.

taglist: @sugarmaplewings-fics @lilkiwisfinest @ewwis-but-more-otaku @kandy1410 @moonlightaangel @winnies-headcannons @bkghatesyou @paintedr0ses1 @toobsessedsstuff @spellboundxizi @ourladyofseijoh @x0doodlebug0x @katsushimaa @mooncademia @moon-write @todominica @why-so-red @kvichisaki @curiouslilbeast @izukukozume @maat-the-prescriptive

#dabi x reader #dabi #touya todoroki x reader #touya todoroki #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha #mha

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yandere-dark-cupid · 3 years

Note

If you’re requests are open can I get a Yandere Zuko x fem reader where after the war he looks for his darling by making his guards track her down but without anyone knowing bc he doesn’t want ppl to think that he’s back into his old ways again and keeps her in the palace

Ok Angel 💜👌💜. If you want, I could continue this as a mini part to part scenario series if I have the time T.Angel. There is just so many ideas worming around this concept and just think of the crazy things the darling and Zuko is going to go through, while also keeping both of their identities on the veeery low-key. Just let me know Angel 😊☕💜.

Also everyone is going to be aged up to 18+ Btw.

Side note: For the sake of this scenario, the darling will be from the Southern Water tribe. If this Angel decides to let me continue this as a mini scenario series, then the both of us are going to talk about if the darling can be a Waterbender or not.

Warning ⚠!!!: Their is going to be some slight Nsfw in this.

Yandere Zuko: A Dragon's treasure

Five weeks. It has been five weeks since you've went missing. Once the war has ended, Zuko was planning to propose to you. But every since his coronation of being crowned the new FireLord, you just up and vanished. It was like you were never there in the first place. And Zuko has been scattering everywhere in the palace and Fire nation to find you or some type of clue. But nothing. There was nothing there. You really covered your tracks, didn't you?

Right now Zuko was in his thrown room. He was fuming- No steaming with rage. If anyone were to walk in to the room, they'll notice it was boiling in there. He tried to look everywhere in the palace. Even outside the palace. But to no avail. Zuko couldn't find you. You've made it clear that you don't want to be with him or any where near him with this type of stunt you've pulled.

Zuko took a seat on his thrown. His hands was on his head, just about ready to pull his hair out and shout in frustration. But then a knock on the door stop him. " *Frustrated sigh* State your name and your business." Zuko said with spite and a hint of venom in his voice. The person behind the door flinched at his tone of voice. "It's me Sir. The guard you put in charge of the search party for Ms.Y/N". Zuko perked up at the mention of his missing lover's name. " Come in. " said Zuko. With out a second thought, the guard entered the room. She bowed down in respect for her FireLord.

" FireLord Zuko I have an update about Ms.Y/N's whereabouts. " Said the guard. She almost stuttered. The guard noticed how extremely hot it was in the thrown room. It was a clear sign that FireLord Zuko was pissed out of his mind. " Well, " Zuko said in annoyance and anger. Zuko was beyond angry at this point. He was a whole entire cluster fuck of emotions right now. " M-me and m-my crew found some people who could be connected to Ms.Y/N's disappearance , your majesty. " Stuttered the guard in slight fear. Zuko quirked up an eyebrow at what the guard said.

Ah. So the guard managed to find the ones responsible for his darling's vanishment, or at least had some part in it. " Bring them in. " Zuko said. The guard only merely nodded, not wanting to meet the FireLord's intimidating gaze. The guard got off their knees and went to call the other guards, to bring out the people that played some part of the darling going missing. The other guards quickly brought out four other people. Those people was tied up, bounded, and blind folded. The people was visibly quivering in fear. They were very confused and scared on what they did to upset the FireLord.

The four guards forcefully pushed the four people down to the floor. Each guard took off each person's blind fold. In front of the four people, there sat the FireLord in all his glory. FireLord Zuko glared down at the 4 people in a burning gaze. So these disgusting pathetic excuses of human was responsible for his darling going missing. Zuko scoffed at the thought. After a painful intimidating stare down, Zuko finally spoke. " So your the ones held responsible for Y/N's disappearance. " Zuko spat out to them with his voice dipped in poison.

" I-if y-you're talking about a someone that has (h/c), (e/c), and (s/c) then t-they came to m-my store to buy clothes." The woman stuttered in fear. Zuko stayed quite and only listened. " If you're talking about the same person; they came to my food stand and brought some food. " the old man said quickly in fear of what the FireLord would do to him if he took so long to explain himself. Zuko only merely quirks his eyebrow. " Y-yeah, that same person came to my Shop and bought some bags and extra equipment as his they were going on a trip. " The man said while sweating nervously. " The same person came to shack a-and brought some w-weapons. " Said the short lady in fear. Zuko only hmmed at what they said.

" So you're telling me the lady you just described went to all of your stores and shops to buy something. " Zuko said still glaring down the four people. " Y-yes. " the woman squeaked in fear. The old man only nodded quickly. " Mhm. " both the man and woman said. Zuko got up from his thrown and began to walk down to his stand. " What should we do with them you highness? " Said one of the guards. " Bring them to the dungeon. I will decide what to do with them later. " Said Zuko. " I-I don't understand what did we do wrong. " Stuttered the woman in fear and nervousness. Zuko quickly turned to the woman, the woman quickly shuts her mouth. Zuko then begins to slowly walk towards her.

Zuko shot one of his hands out and grasps the woman's face in a painful grip. The woman squeaks in surprise and fear. Zuko just merely just glares down at her. His eyes is filled with a flaming rage. " You all are held responsible for the disappearance of Y/N, " Zuko spat out in anger. Zuko releases his hand from woman's face. Zuko steps away from the woman and is now in front of the four bounded people. " Since you all play a part in my- err Y/N's disappearance, you all will be punished accordingly. " The four people only shook even more at FireLord Zuko's statement. " All of you take them away were they'll never see the light of day again. " Zuko said with venom dripping from his voice.

The four guards only bowed and said a quick " yes sir ". With that they took the four people away. Now Zuko was once again left in his thrown room...... alone.

Zuko let out a sigh of frustration out. He walked towards a window that was in the room. He stared down at his people, he was thinking about something. Based on what the four people said, Zuko can conclude that his darling is no longer in the Fire nation. Zuko dug into his pocket and took out something. It was a necklace. A betrothed necklace to be more specific. You see his darling was not from the fire nation, no no no. You were from a Water tribe, the Southern Water tribe to put it. While Zuko was on his trip to help Aang defeat his father and help him master firebending, Zuko found out from Katara on what her necklace means. He found out that from the Water tribe in order to marry someone, you have to make a betrothed necklace and give it to that special someone. When Zuko found out about this type of information, he instantly got rapped up about it. Ever since he's joined team Avatar he was thinking about what life would be like when he becomes FireLord, then his thoughts were drawn into marriage. He can't help but think, his darling would make the perfect FireLady. His FireLady.

And they'll have children. They'll be lovely children. With his darling swelled up with another one of his heirs all while holding another one of their children. It'll truly be a.. delicious sight to see ~ Zuko hmmed in delight at the thought of his darling bearing his children. But... that's if he witness such a darling sight. Zuko groaned at his mood being dampened and soured. But he knows it's true. Zuko knows if he doesn't act fast, he'll lose his darling. And that lovely little scene that played in his mind, will be nothing but a mere fantasy. Besides, he doesn't want to get himself accidentally sexual frustrated.....

With that aside, Zuko begins to start planning and strategizing. Zuko walks away from the window. He calls a servant, he orders them to get one of his best generals. The servant was slightly hesitant and confused, but never the less terrified. Wasn't the war over? They pushed their question aside, because they know now wouldn't be the best time to question the FireLord. He hasn't been acting himself lately and has been been flaring up at anything these past few weeks. With out much of a second thought, they did as they were told and went to see if someone could get one of the generals FireLord Zuko was talking about.

Zuko on the other hand, went back to sit on his thrown. He knew it will take time for the general to get here, so he decided to sit and be patient for him to get here. All while doing this, Zuko began to plan out in his mind on how he was going to get his darling. He was thinking about getting some of the Fire nation's best spies to help track down his darling. Sending out a whole search team and alerting the public while cause some type of panic. Not only that but he's trying to show that He and the Fire nation has turned over a new leaf, that and he doesn't want people and the other members of team Avatar know he's basically going back to his old ways. Since everybody knows the history on how he went to the ends of the earth to find and Capture the Avatar, and he's basically doing the same for his darling. It'll put a bad name on him and an even worse name on the Fire nation. So he'll lay as low as possible and keep shush shush about it, so he doesn't rise suspicion and ruin all the hard work he's been putting in the past time he's became FireLord.

With all those thoughts in mind, Zuko decides to call the same servant from before. So he can see if his message has been delivered. The Servant said they already sent a messaging hawk out to see if they can reach the general. Zuko only hmmed and dismissed them, and told them to report back to him once the massage has been delivered. With that the servant left, leaving Zuko in his thrown room. Zuko dug into his pocket again. He took out the Betrothed necklace out. He gently creased and rubbed the engraving and creases. He took so many hours and very much effort into making this for his darling. Looking at it always made him feel calmer, it made him happy knowing that his darling will be wearing it soon. But then his darling ran away from him before he can give it to them. Zuko pushed down on the purple garnet at the thought of his darling running away from him ( the rest of the necklace's gems are made up of smaller bits of Rudy and sapphire ). Zuko let out another sigh of frustration. He began to think. Once is darling is back with him he's never letting them go...........

My God, this was a boom ass idea. Not only that, but an idea of Zuko having a bit of a breeding kink has been floating around in my mind for some time now. I had a lot of fun with this. Like I said before T.Angel, If you want me to make a mini scenarios series about this let me know 😆! Well I hope you enjoy it. Until next time my Little Tainted Angels, see you soon ~💜❤💜

#yandere avatar the last airbender #yandere #yandere Zuko #avatar: the last airbender

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my-darling-boy · 3 years

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I'm a little scared because I've been wanting to transition, but I am afraid of the surgery. Can you give me some insight to it?

Ahh I actually have a word doc you reminded me I still haven’t posted about my surgery experience where I actually noted day by day what I went through as a healed and also how I even got the process started.

Just know I am terrified of hospital settings and surgery in general, I have very bad health anxiety over germs and I’m surely what people would call a hypochondriac, and even worse was the fact I had to go into surgery all by myself (at the time I got my surgery, no one was allowed to be in the surgery building with me for covid safety reasons) so that meant leading up to the surgery and my downtime after at the place, I was all alone. I’d never even had a surgery before.

What I found was that the surgery was... surprisingly mild. There were points of severe anxiety of course, but I attributed this to A) being alone B) never having had a surgery before C) being in a setting that already makes me afraid. But the staff was kind, they explained things as they did them (when IVs were going in, what I would feel, etc) At the heart of every fear lies the fear of the unknown: I combatted that by asking as many questions as I could. If I was concerned about something, anywhere from the size of my nipples to recovery and drains, I would ask. Surgeons and staff can’t read your mind, so if you have a worry or something makes you feel Funky, just say it! Like, when they took my drains out (which didn’t hurt at all for me) I almost passed out because I Looked at it as my surgeon did it and I tried to fight off the signs of fainting and so I told him I felt a bit strange and he helped me sit down and got me water, and I asked if I was okay, was that normal, and he said it was perfectly normal, I was probably just not prepared for what I saw :P

Overall, a solid month recovery time, very mild pains, great results, and I don’t regret doing it, my ribcage and back are thanking me, it’s been the best decision of my life and I’m so glad I fought for it. I remember that before surgery and during recovery when I was uncomfortable or in pain or afraid, I’d tell myself “If you get through this day, you won’t ever have to repeat it”. I would think to how a Future Me would be thanking me for going through with it. And now it’s hard to believe I’m already 7 months post op! And I AM certainly thanking my past self for going through with it!

Of course this is only the tip of the iceberg, so while I’m going to remember to finish that word doc, if you have any questions about my process, feel free to ask :)

#asks #surgery #trans health #surgery mention

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wekeepcoming · 3 years

Text

DO NOT SEND "YOU SHOULD DIE" DEATH THREATS TO PEOPLE!

"I am in many fandom and I have seen an uprising in death threats done in the Marvel, The Walking Dead, and many many others. Why? Stupid reasons! "Oh you don't like my ship? Go kill yourself" "Oh you don't like my art? Go kill yourself" "Oh you don't like my writing? Go kill yourself""Oh you said something about me i don't like? Go kill yourself" That is disgusting and horrible and if I EVER catch anyone doing so, I'll report you. I don't give two shits and a handbag what you think of me if I do that. Never. NEVER. N-E-V-E-R send death threats or suicide wish to ANYONE. No matter how you feel about them. Block them. My God. Anytime I get a threat, my heart aches that someone else might get one and that could seriously get to them. People have mental illnesses, they have literally crippling depression. Coming to a fandom tag and interacting with it may be their place to get serotonin. But then they like something other people don't or follow someone that others don't like and then they're being told to hang themselves or go jump off a bridge or worse. Do those that send these threats even care what that can do to people? Oh, also, if a person commits suicide, the FBI and police will eventually get to their internet history and see all the anon death wishes. They can track you down and you CAN be charged with Cyber-bullying.

In case we all need a recap on what bullying is, it means "intimidation, unwanted aggressive behavior, or harassment that is repetitive or is substantially likely to be repeated and causes a reasonable person to fear for his or hers physical safety or property; substantially interferes with a persons daily life". Just add "online to that and it's cyber-bullying.

Cyber-bullying is punishable by law, people. It's just like person to person harassment. Just because you think you're anonymous, doesn't mean you are and some levels of law enforcement have a means to track WHO YOU ARE. Also, Tumblr isn't a safe zone to bully. Tumblr admins aren't always the brightest, but they still have full access to our accounts and can be given a warrant by law that grants access to personal information you share on your account. It's the same method they can use to ping a persons phone. Which means they can PING who sent the anon message/Tumblr can have someone who knows code rewind the code and see who is sending stuff if the person feels threatened and scared enough.

Cyber Laws are complicated but there are laws against bullying and laws to protect people from it. You need to really realize that this stuff isn't funny or a game. People have hurt or killed themselves over these type of harassment and threats. Especially young teens. And with The Virus being a pressure on a lot of people, adults and elderly are also a high risk for suicide as well. It only takes one thing to set some people on the edge.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. But Ive never had a headspace to take my own life. Never felt I should or needed to. But not everyone is like me. So find a new way to act or just block and ignore them and move on with your existence. As Newton stated, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That's not just a motion theory, it's a true fact of life.

This is a message for myself and everyone getting bullied by anons right now. It's so sad to see our group dealing with this and it obviously being in group if the message I've received tell me eveything...

Please just don't do this. Please."

wkc: My friend is scared of being targeted by bullies in your alls fandon, that I'm sending this out for them to a fandom I'm not even a part of. They've been in your pairing fandom since it began back in Season 2. They used to tell me all the time to come to the Bethyl fandom and write for it and enjoy it but after they showed me their inbox and I saw what was going on in the tag to people, i decided that I think I'll stay away besides to post this for them and hover about.

Also, send me anything rude or threatening, I'll ignore it. Don't care. This is for my friend, not me.

#cyber bullying #alert #important #cyber laws #bethyl #I'm tagging this bethyl for my friend who wrote this but is afraid to post it under their name #And I don't give a shit about the walking dead - not my type of content - so ill post for them to feel safe

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phlox238 · 3 years

Text

i wrote a pretty long rymin fic and half of it is min being anxious and getting advice from a lesbian at a gay bar,,, it sucks but here it is anyway

2.5k words this is the most ive ever written

"So," The girl began, gesturing wildly with her hands. "You think you're in love with your best friend, who you've known since you were born, and you're in a band and traveling across Canada and the USA with. What did you say your name is?"

"Oh, fuck." Min-gi sighed, letting his head rest in his hands. "This is weird, isn't it? I barely know you."

"Nah, I just thought that, if we're going to have a slightly drunk chat in the back of a gay bar, then we should know each other's names. I'm Eryn, and you?" Eryn stuck out her hand, the many bracelets she wore on her wrist clanking together.

Min chuckled a little, then took her hand and shook it. Her dark skin was warm, which was surprising, since this part of the bar was near freezing. "Min-gi. But you can call me Min."

"Awesome. So, tell me about it, Min." Eryn tightened her ponytail, leaning forward on her arms.

"Tell you what about it? There's so many things that I could say." He was so caught up in this gay crisis stuff that he hadn't even considered stopping for a moment to really think about it.

Eryn shrugged. "Whatever you want to say. Get stuff off your chest, just let it out, if you want to. There's like, nobody else back here. Doesn't really matter, right? I'm not judgy."

"Okay...well, he has a girlfriend, first of all; has had many of them. So he's not into dudes." Min crossed his arms.

"Hey, he could still be. Just because he dates women doesn't mean he's straight. Could still be into guys. Don't give up hope just yet, okay?" Eryn laced her fingers together, as if she was planning something. The dark lighting of the bar didn't help anything.

“Damn,” Min rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t know you could like both.”

Not without laughing at him first, Eryn started to explain. "Oh, wow, you really are new to this, huh?" She chuckled a little more, shaking her head. “That’s okay. There’s a lot of different ways to love people, you just gotta figure out what works for you. Oh, also; it isn’t just both. There’s the genderqueer people, too, don’t forget about them!” She smiled.

Min didn’t quite know what genderqueer meant, but he figured he could find out later. He was asking too many questions already. "Damn...how do you know all of this? I only realized I was, er, gay, like six months ago." Min marveled at her, the same way a nerd at school would marvel at the 'cool kids.' And honestly, she really looked like one, with her ponytail and undercut, her yellow, patched leather jacket, even the flashy jewelry she wore.

It made Min want to start dressing differently. Dressing cooler, like Ryan, like Eryn. Maybe he could.

Eryn grinned wider. "Oh, you know. It's just things you pick up along the way. I've known that I'm lesbian for a long time, since I was like 11. And I'm 21 now, so that's a long time. Lots of experience." She shuffled a little in her seat, taking another drink of beer. "Anyway. We're getting off track, aren't we? Keep talking, man."

Min laughed, a real laugh. "Okay, okay. A year ago, we, er…" He reached desperately for an explanation for the train, but decided that, just maybe, he could tell her. Really, the worst that she could think of him is that he's a drug user. "Can I tell you something? It's going to sound absolutely insane, probably, but I just. Need to tell someone."

She looked concerned, her dark brown eyes wide, but nodded anyway. "That's real ominous. But sure, go for it."

"Okay. So. Stick with me, here. A year ago, him and I got on a train, right? But then, there was another train door within the train. We just...went into the door. Well, the bastard threw my keys into it and then ran in, so how could I not follow?" Eryn was looking at him intently like she understood. Min could tell he was pretty drunk by now; he'd never be able to open up to someone this much sober. But that's okay. More than okay, really.

"It gets even weirder from then on. Ryan- that's his name, by the way- and I woke up on a giant, infinie train in the middle of nowhere. Gotta be pretty unbelievable, though. You probably think I'm on drugs." Min sighed.

Eryn was silent for a moment, but it was obvious she was getting ready to explode. "Dude, no fucking way!" Yep, there it was. "I got on that train! When I was eleven. I was super conflicted on my sexuality, had a shit ton of internalized homophobia as a result of having homophobic family. I felt like a disgusting person. So I got on the train, and it actually helped me through it." She'd completely lit up when Min mentioned the train. Looked like she was going to grab him by the shoulders and shake him.

For a moment, Min was speechless. Soon, though, he regained his voice. "You're kidding," was all he could muster.

"Nope." Eryn's grin nearly reached her ears. "Did you have someone to help you along, too? There was a white cat named Samantha for me. She was French, for some reason. But I miss her."

"Oh! Yeah, Ryan and I had a floating, talking bell named Kez. Weird, right?. I miss her, too. Wonder how she's doing." Min thought for a second, completely and utterly relieved to have met someone else to share an experience with. Then something clicked. "Hold on...I might have met this cat you speak of. Yellow eyes? Uh, blonde...hair?"

"Blonde hair? Well, she didn't have that. But yeah, yellow eyes, French accent." Eryn nodded. They were silent for a moment.

Min chuckled, suddenly getting the urge to continue on with their story. Telling someone about the train would feel wonderful. "We had a lot of...issues...regarding our friendship, at the time. That's why the train picked us up in the first place." He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "The train did help us. But we had a lot of weirdly intimate moments on it, and that's where my sexuality crisis started. Like, there was a car where we had to perform a song with each other to get out of it, and of course I got stage fright right before it. I left him alone on stage. Again." Min paused, the guilt almost making him feel like he was living through that moment again.

Eryn nudged him. "And? That doesn't sound intimate. What happened next?"

"I hid in the bathroom. So he came in, and at first he was angry, but I was having a full on anxiety attack. We sat in the bathtub, hip to hip, knee to knee. It was weird, but nice. He helped me calm down. And like...in our last year of Highschool, I gave him a shirt with our band name on it. In that bath tub, he had it with him. He kept it. Said he'd never done a show without it." Min laughed, but there wasn't much humor about it. "Man, I wanted to kiss him so bad right then and there. But I didn't."

Eryn had a soft look in her eyes. "I dunno about you, but that sounds pretty damn gay to me. Maybe he's just dating other people to distract himself from his crush on you, who knows! All I'm trying to say is, don't give up on this, Min. You two have something going on, I don't know what, but it could blossom into a relationship." She patted him on the shoulder, then took another drink of her beer.

Min did the same. "What if he's not gay?" His voice was small. "Worse, what if he's homophobic? I don't know...fuck, it's terrifying. I could lose him because I'm gay."

"Well," Eryn paused for a moment, "you could try and subtly bring it into conversation. Maybe, like, bring up a celebrity who's gay. See his reaction." She gestured with her hands a lot, Min noticed.

Min nodded. It seemed simple in theory, but he knew he'd manage to fuck it up somehow. The logical part of his brain knew Ryan wouldn't leave him for being gay, but at the same time, there was this voice in the back of his head. Irrational thoughts, irrational fears; that's all it spoke of.

"Thank you. Really. It's been nice to talk about this, especially with someone who's been on the train. That thing is...a freak of nature. Maybe not even nature, I don't know. I'll try that with him, too." Min said finally, after some silence. Eryn laughed.

"Yeah, it absolutely is." She smiled widely. Eryn glanced around, her eyes finally landing on the only visible clock in this part of the bar. Her eyes widened. "Shit, I should really get going! Sorry. I told my girlfriend I'd be back around now." She, out of nowhere, gave Min a hug. It'd been a while since he'd hugged anyone, he realized, and it felt nice. Although, very unexpected.

Min hugged her back, sort of awkwardly. They separated soon after.

"That's okay. Again...thank you, so much. I should get young too." By now, it was almost 11 pm, and he figured he should leave as well. Ryan should be back at their apartment soon enough.

Min was about to turn and leave, but Eryn stopped him.

"Hey! How about we exchange phone numbers? This was a good chat, eh? I'd like to stay in contact." Eryn searched her pockets for a pen and some paper, but only found a marker. "Can I, like, write it on your arm and you can do the same?"

Min knew Ryan would tease him over it, but oh, well, he made a new friend. "Yeah, that's fine." He laughed, offering her his arm. She quickly scribbled her number on it, and honestly, it was barely legible. But he could read it, somewhat.

He then wrote his number on her arm, they exchanged goodbyes, and were on their way. Min dreaded returning to Ryan, who would definitely start to go on and on about his girlfriend, and just prove to make Min feel worse about his stupid crush.

But maybe, just maybe, Eryn was right. Maybe things would finally go his way for once.

•••

Min's walk home was quiet (as quiet as New York can be at night) and cold, it being the middle of November. Snow was just beginning to fall. Being outside Eryn's words stuck in his head like glue. Talk to him. As if he could do that. The idea of even just mentioning anything close to being gay made anxiety rise in his throat like bile.

He couldn't. Probably.

Before he could think much more on it, he was home. Home. Back to the decent one bedroom apartment they'd scraped up all of the money in their pockets to buy. Back to the scent of cigarette smoke in the air, back to the strange stains on the carpet in the hallway. Most importantly, back to Ryan. No matter how much resentment Min-gi might hold to him for having a girlfriend, Ryan usually made things better.

He walked up the stairs and down the hall to apartment number 202, ironically. Unlocked and opened the door to find it dark inside save for a single lamp. Min walked in, curious, just to find Ryan curled up in the fetal position on the sofa. That really made him anxious.

"Hey...Ryan? You good, man?" Min sat on the empty portion of the sofa, near his head.

Ryan stirred, rolling over onto his back. His head was resting a bit on Min's thigh, and it felt kind of nice.

"I dunno…" He mumbled. "She broke up with me."

"What?" Min looked down at Ryan, surprised. "Lisa? You're kidding."

"Nope, not kidding." Ryan laced his fingers together over his stomach. "The thing is...I'm like, kind of relieved that she did it? How fucked up is that?"

Min tilted his head in confusion. He really wanted to run his hand through Ryan's hair, but that was a really inappropriate thought for the moment.

"She, uh...said some things. When she broke up with me." He sighed. "Called me a fag." Ryan laughed, like he found it funny. Min didn't.

"Dude, what? Why?" Min's voice was a little shaky, for no other reason than that they were talking about gay people.

Ryan sighed. "Take a good look at us, Min." He brought his forearm up to cover his eyes. "We're two dudes, living in a one bedroom apartment together. We do everything together. Of course she's gonna think there's something going on."

Min felt like he was going to fucking disintegrate. "U-Uh...and that's a bad thing?"

"I mean...no. It just kind of clicked that...maybe she's right. Maybe I am gay." Ryan sat up, his back facing towards Min. He didn't look back. " I always assumed that I'd be straight, but this...it makes sense. None of my relationships have ever worked out. With women."

Min reached out and gently touched his shoulder. "Ryan...it's okay."

Ryan looked back, now, and his eyes were watery. Min frowned.

“How could it be okay?” His voice cracked as he spoke. “It’s just another reason for people to hate me. For my parents to hate me. Hell, maybe even you.” By the time that he finished talking, his voice was almost inaudible.

"No!" Min almost shouted, jolting forward. "No. Ryan, I could never hate you." Fuck, how was he supposed to tell Ryan he's gay now? Part of him wanted to shout it out impulsively, but the other part, it just wanted to keep hiding. Because what if something goes wrong? What if Ryan's in love with someone else? All what ifs. He really needed to stop.

Min inhaled deeply. Here goes. "This is gonna sound really coincidental, but...I'm gay too."

Quickly, Ryan turned around to face Min. His eyes were wide behind his glasses.

"What? No fucking way. You're kidding." Ryan was leaning forward, using his fists to prop him up.

Min shook his head. "No...I'm not. I was gonna tell you soon anyway, but now seemed like a good time." He scratched his head awkwardly.

Then, Ryan launched at him, hugging him. Arms wrapped around his neck, knees touching Min's thighs, the whole package. Min was sure he'd die with how flushed his face was; but thankfully, he didn't.

After what felt like a while, Ryan finally spoke.

"I love you." He mumbled into Min's shoulder.

Min paused. "In a gay way, or…?"

Ryan laughed. "Yeah, you idiot." He shook his head in amusement.

"Good. That's...great." He hugged Ryan tighter, finally letting himself run his fingers through his hair. It was soft, just like he expected. "I love you too."

#rymin #infinity train #infinity train book 4 #ryan akagi #min gi park #infinity train season 4

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cursed-saphire-hart · 2 years

Note

Ok so uh I've been thinking about Tobi and this has been on my mind for a while. Doomed timeline specifically I'm gonna say rn that this has discussion of him unaliving himself so yeah uh be warned ig also this is gonna sound dramatic as fuck especially the ending but I'm feeling things right now and its making me write things Also I know I'm probably gonna get some stuff ooc and I apologize in advance. Last also but this is loooong so uh putting this here instead of the end TLDR What's everybody, mainly Tord and Anya, doin if Tobi offs himself? What happens if he tries and fails? Its been said before that even if he doesn't show it, Tobi struggles emotionally. A lot more than he lets on, hiding it because he's been taught that it made him weak. Its been said that people around him know something is wrong, and on occasions he's opened up a bit, but as far as I know? He takes on a lot of it by himself. And becuase he feels he has to hide it, everyone knows he's not in a great place, but so few would know just how bad it could be at any given time. I can almost guarantee he spent the worst of his childhood alone. Becuase no one was really helping him. He had his friends, maybe Yuu. But I don't think anyone around him could actually undertand what was going on. Its no secret that a lot of Tobi's issues stemmed from the way Tord treated him because I'm just gonna say it, Tord was abusive. If thats not the right word than I don't need to say how neglectful he was. People working for him, including Yuu, were conditioned to go with what he did and not interfere. So they can only offer Tobi so much. Tobi's friends might be awsome and they are but just like Tord's soldiers, they can only give so much, this time because Tobi's situation is so specific and large for lack of a better word that I don't know how he survived it because I don't know how he could be helped. Tobi was very lonely. What happens when that really starts getting to him? When he starts to feel like there is no one standing behing him to catch him when he falls? When he starts falling and no one sees him so he has to hang on and pull himself up evertime. Because no one sees it, so who's giving him credit for it? Did anyone ever recognize just how much living like this was hurting him and how he still carried on despite it? He deserved so muc better. He at least deserved someone seeing him and telling him just how proud they were. But that never seemed to come. No one could see him hurt becuase he wasn't supposed to hurt. He wasn't allowed to. Not allowed to crack so what happens when he breaks under the preasure and stress that he kept bottled up? What happens when Tord wakes up in a world where his son isn't alive anymore? How does everyone else handle it? How does Anya handle it? And if Tobi survives, I don't wanna think about how Tord would handle it since I know at the very least, he's not gonna change. Maybe avoid Tobi for a bit and lose it behind closed doors for however long he does but then go on as normal Im sorry for all this but uh Tobi hits a certain way

You guys always surprise me at how much you guys pay attention, and I'm glad I can write characters well enough for them to become people to those who read about them.

There's a reason Tobi never fell. Penny and A.k. were always there to catch him when he stumbled, he slipped alot, and sometimes he fell, but they always caught him. Ive said before that Penny doesn't fear Tord, she loves Tobi more than she could ever fear him. A.k. however has been under his command since he was a child, he can't break away as easily as she could. He's a soldier.

As you stated, soldiers are conditioned to follow orders, many have done worse things under Tord's command, even if they wanted to change things, they can't. Even Yuu can't break the mindset of a soldier, not at his age, despite loving Tobi so much. He's taken a beating for speaking up, but he didn't have the mental strength to push it far enough for a change to happen. A.k. has tried, he's tried so hard, and only wants to protect Tobi. A.k knew Anya, he knew how much she loved her baby, and has wanted to try and protect him for her, but he's stuck.

Penny on the other hand has no such conditioning. Soldiers are loyal to their commander, Penny is only loyal to Tobi. Everything she has done has been for Tobi. All her love is focused on Tobi. She became a monster, so Tobi wouldn't have to. You can call it an obsession, but she calls it love. Penny has had an outside perspective, she's seen Tobi at his worst, she's seen him get worn down and still stand up. She's not the type to try and fix things from the inside, that never works. She breaks rules, defies Tord, to make sure Tobi can vent, can make it through each week without crumbling, sometimes she fails, but she never stops trying.

Tord doesn't show enough love, pride, or kindness to Tobi, and without his mother, he's been alone ever since Tord started pulling away. He's felt lonely, but Penny made sure he was never alone.

Everyday, she shows him how much she loves him, tells him how proud she is of him, but she's no substitute for the mother he never got to know, or the father who keeps a 5 foot distance.

Penny loved him since the day she met him, even as a toddler, all she wanted was to keep Tobi safe and happy. She watched as things changes, recognized when Tobi stopped smiling like he use to, watched him slip time and time again, but never let him fall. She pulled him up again and again, because she decided that was her job.

If Tobi ever tried to stop the pain, the only reason it never worked would have been because he'd change his mind at the last minute. Maybe because he remembered his friends, because he thought nothing would change even if he did, or maybe because he didn't want it to end without getting everything off his chest.

In a situation where it happens and he makes it out alive, you better believe he wouldn't keep quiet. For once in his life, he'd scream at Tord, for once he wouldn't be worried about disappointing his father. He'd scream and shout, and demand answers. He'd cry until he was drowning in his own tears, screaming till his voice gave out, he'd make himself be seen. FOR. ONCE.

How would Tord react?

He'd be speechless.

He'd be reminded of the night Anya left, because it was the exact thing she did before leaving.

Would Tord change? Maybe. Maybe not as much as anyone would like. But there would be a shift at least. Tord is neglectful, and he's abusive, but deep down he does love his son.

Anya would be sad. Her baby being close to death would left her feel him, feel his pain, feel his pulse, feel his warmth, but couldn't find any joy being so close to her baby. Odd are she'd be the only reason someone would find Tobi before it was too late. She'd be angry at Tord. She'd make sure he couldn't numb this out. She'd make sure he stood still, and listened for once.

Their lives are messed up, and it would take a lot to fix, maybe a full lifetime. But they are fixable with a few pieces needing to be replaced.

#ew next gen

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librarycards · 3 years

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i hope this doesnt sound disingenuous, but i dont understand how alternative community healing can come close to helping most of us right now. that doesnt mean therapy and psychiatry necessarily can help but that i feel completely hopeless that the trauma ive experienced and that close friends have experienced will ever be healed. i have worked hard to read and repurpose therapy materials and try to soothe for example my trauma leading me to run away and panic from every type of relationship, or my close friend struggling with self harm as a result of did, and little progress has ever been made. i wonder if were doomed because of the stress were under, or if we just dont have the mental skill to properly find and apply techniques. i really dont know.

(tw: mention of suicide, disordered eating, self harm)

it doesn't -- it's a valid concern, and one i think about constantly as an anorexic suicide survivor, who is mostly friends with people who are also dealing with/have dealt with potentially life-ending mental crises. ultimately, it's less of a "will community healing Fix Everything" (it won't). it's that for many people, myself included, institutional psychology/psychiatry has made things exponentially and dangerously worse, to the point that we are unable even to try to seek professional OR lay help for fear of carceral retribution. the alternative will not be perfect or easy, but the current response is destroying lives. it's untenable, regardless of what's proposed to come after.

i also want to emphasize that you, and even you and your friends, can't do all this alone. part of the reason you all feel doomed is that a billion structural forces are conspiring to doom you and your efforts, to empower "professionals" and break necessary social bonds between laypeople, and also denying us access to the same training and knowledge "professionals" receive. the reason you feel you don't have the skills to heal yourself/your friends is because you don't –– not alone. psychiatry would not work without being systematized, either. that said, mini systems -- my friends and i had a crisis group/protocol in undergrad and had to go on suicide watch for a severely traumatized friend several times -- can work wonders either way.

lastly, it's worth noting that we can and do have the power to reframe what progress and improvement and health all mean. in the case of self-harm, psychological norms posit that the only real "healthy" ideal is to become completely s/h free –– but what would happen if you reframed progress to include x days, weeks, etc. without self harm, or even switching a more physiologically damaging type to a less damaging type? this does not make s/h a "good" idea, but it does shift the focus from cure to harm reduction, and redefines what it means to provide effective help to someone who's struggling.

i'm afraid I don't have a definite, "here's what to do" answer for you. ithere are going to be problems and failures. i'd say the difference is like the difference between capitalism and communism: under capitalism, "success" means that the wealthy few decimate the lives of the impoverished many. that's capitalism working right, just as institutional psychiatry working right subjugates the Mad, tells us to normalize or die. on the other hand, communism working right is, well, utopic –– even if it will never live up to those ideas IRL because humans are flawed, its ideal aim is good. likewise, the aim of antipsychiatry -- even if it will never actually be this perfect -- is liberatory and positive, and I would much rather have that as my goalpost. not to mention, it gives me waaaaay more will to live than resigning myself to inevitable psych control of my life.

#ask #anonymous #self harm m #ed m #suicide m #antipsychiatry #psychiatry #madness

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